Handsome - Neil Patrick Harris asks about superpowers

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

Neil Patrick Harris asks Mae, Fortune, and Tig about what superpower they'd want to have. Plus: cutting your bangs talk, a song about Rapunzel, and secrets of teleportation revealed!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the handsome pod. I'm Mae Martin and I'm joined by my two co-hosts Fortune Feimster and Tig Notaro. I nailed that. You did. May, you came in with such confidence. Oh, my gosh. That you got Tig and I showing our muscles. Oh, I wasn't showing muscles. I was just... Oh, you were cheering. I was showing muscle.

I was like, May's confident, so I'm going to... I would love to support. I needed it today. I needed it. Oh, yeah? Are you needing a boost day? Well, I didn't know I was until I just said, I needed it today. I needed it. Oh, yeah. Are you having a needing a boost day? Well, I didn't know I was until I just said I needed it like that. And then now I'm like, yeah, I guess I am having a low cut. You know, I went to like a scary event in New York.

Oh, my God. I know. I know. Fashion Week. No, I would never. I would never dare go to Fashion Week. Gra to fashion graveyard yeah it was a haunted graveyard no it's like an award ceremony thing but i got so insecure before that i went psycho and i called down to the hotel reception i go do you guys have scissors they're like what just any scissors i'm like yeah they send up industrial like paper scissors. And I just gave myself a haircut because I got it in my head. I need a haircut and I need it now. And then I started like chopping at it, thinking I could do it with big, chunky scissors.

And I just had big chunks missing. And then I had to go to this thing. And oh, man. And wait, I'm sorry. That's psycho behavior. I think to be in a hotel room like an hour before a red carpet and being like, I got to get scissors and I got to cut my hair at the back where I cannot see. Oh, I've done that so many times.

Have you? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. During COVID, I bought like a full blown haircutting operation. Like a barber's kit? kit yes i was cutting my hair i was cut in fact i did two movies with my own hairdo no way yeah oh yeah and were you doing like clippers as well you mean like the razor shaver oh yeah i would just like go up the back of my head i would just pick my hair up and chop and uh and i did max and finn's

hair i did uh stephanie's dad i was stephanie wouldn't let me touch her hair yeah she was like i'll wait till the pandemic is over meanwhile three years went by she also had a beard but um she's rapunzel all of a sudden yeah Yeah, but I'm still really into it. In fact, I just cut her dad's hair right before I left town the other day. And I think it's the best one I've done. I'm so into cutting hair. I wish you'd been there. I needed that.

But I also really relate. Yeah. Do you do it when you're anxious ever? You're like, no, I'm just more like, I don't have time to go get a haircut or they can't get me in the day that i've decided my hair is terrible and then i truly just pick up my hair and just start um cutting away at it in fact i did my bangs that are right now our son finn actually oh my gosh when we got his haircut maybe three weeks ago this is what he told the hair person he was like i just uh i don't want

any bangs and so he just lifted his hair up and the guy was like okay and so he cut his hair but he of course left some bangs because it otherwise it's a buzz cut yeah otherwise it's peewee herban because then it's there's a little bit more hair on the side and the backs but he was that's what he wanted and then he was like but no bangs and there that hairstyle didn't exist and so the guy cuts his hair everything's fine and then stephanie and i were sitting in the living room just having coffee chatting and finn comes down and he just starts talking to us. And Stephanie said, did you cut your hair? And he said, no.

And she was like, Finn, did you cut your hair? He's like, no. And he was laughing. And she's like, you cut your hair. And then he got defensive. He's like, no, I didn't. And so, oh, he said, I just combed it differently. Well, let me show you first day of school pictures.

It looks cute, but. Oh, wow. He cut the whole. He totally cut his bangs off. He did. It looks kind of punk. It does look like a punk rock. It does. It does.

But like there are no bangs there. Wow. It's forehead and then main head. He's like, I learned this from watching May. You know, he's the one that looks like me, right? Yeah. Yeah, I really, I get it, buddy. But yeah, when I did that Army of the Dead helicopter movie,

that was my own haircut that I did. Wow. Well, you just have a knack for it fortune you would never touch your i only let super cuts touch is that where you go no i used to go to super guts no shame in my game and then i started getting um fan shamed what i had a couple people see me walking into supercuts and took a picture and i posted it on the internet so you do have shame in your game i guess now so no i kept going after that because i was like they will not stop me from my 30 haircuts and it wasn't even about

money it honestly was about time time you find someone fortune no i swear you're trying to save a few bucks on your hairdo it's fine no shame in your game it's that all of those beverly hills places take like three and a half hours and i was like i can't do this and like 10 different people touch your hair it's too much and to me i'm like the result is similar yeah and i think it was mainly getting with jack she was the one who put the foot down on the super cuts fans you know what can't shame me i know for sure it must have been when you got with jacks that feels like that's got jacks written all over it and 100 she was like. You have to go to a proper, not that they're not proper, but you know, because I needed some color.

Oh, you dye the hair too. I get it sun kissed. And is that a perm that you get? Can you imagine? Is that your permanent wave? A perm on top of my curls. No, my hair is naturally pretty brown. And I like it a little lighter because I have chubby cheeks.

So for some reason, it makes me feel like the lighter hair helps with the cheeks. You're like a little cherub. You're like an angel, golden blonde. I dye my hair as well. Oh, really? What's your natural color? Kind of light brown. And my mom

took me to dye it when i was about 10 and i was like i don't know if i want to she's like you need to dye your hair and then i went in like you're a blonde yeah i can see you in your soul and then i went in and i said strawberry blonde that was in the 90s remember everyone was like strawberry blonde we want strawberry blonde and then it came out bright red like fire truck red oh it was stressful you know how jack's was like no more super guts isn't it funny how like when you start dating someone they're like you're perfect as you are i'm so in love with you and then after a couple months they're like let's upgrade you like yeah there's like there's a couple of things as well. That I'm starting to notice now that I've taken my love goggles off. Um,

I need you to dye your hair. Yeah. I need you to go to Beverly Hills. Yeah. Three and a half hours later. And also a new belt. That one's pretty old and we have to get rid of these t-shirts. They have holes in them.

Yeah. Yeah. Since 2020, I've been in this real confusing place with my hair because the guy that cut my hair for 16 years passed away two days before lockdown he used to come over he'd cut my hair he'd cut thomas's hair our kids hair everybody our housekeeper everybody would get a haircut and i was just like i was not only sad but i was he would truly come over and just cut my hair and i'd be done in 10 minutes

yeah and everybody was like who does your hair yeah that's my dream this guy matt 10 i'm telling you just thomas did he cut your hair that fast it It was done. Yeah, for sure. It was so fast. So I've been going to different people. I've been trying different salons and I'll get my hair cut on set. I just, I don't know if it's because I am still like hung up on losing my guy. Your guy, yeah. up on losing my guy your guy yeah but now what i feel is a happy medium that feels good because even when people would cut my hair well it wasn't the same it feels ridiculous to say i was cheating because you know but it just you know you have 16 years you cut my hair yeah and so now what i do is i take max and finn to the barber shop and then i just say i'll have what they're having and we all just walk out with the same haircut i have things

though i don't have what they're having yeah and so that kind of makes it feel special right that's nice i like that do you also get in the fire truck no we're going to like legit barbershop you know there's seven there's seven you know if i had a fire truck they'd be like i'm not sick they'd be like mom this is lame they're getting what's called like wet shaved like i'm picturing them with the you know oh yeah with the beard uh the foam on the face oh yeah yeah and an eraser like a real razor i've always wanted to have that since that um you know cindy law no i fucked it all up cindy crawford and you know that that was a handsome photo that was a handsome photo shoot. That was a handsome photo shoot. We should probably get KD on here.

KD, what's up? What's KD up to? Gotta be KD. I don't know, but how about that voice, man? How about it? Constant craving? Constant. Constant.

Constant. I am constantly craving things. Can we use that soundbite to promote this episode? That was... If that doesn't sell this episode, I don't know what will. If that wasn't the epitome of a distracted person. I'm constantly craving things. Craving things. Craving things.

Yes. Yeah. We need to get Katie the original handsome. Uh-huh. Yeah. We could also get Cindy Crawford or Lauper, whatever. If your name is Cindy, give us a ring-a-ding. We'd love to have you on the show.

Yeah. Cindy Brady, if you're listening. I've never met a Cindy in real life. Really? Not one? Not a single one in my whole life I can say confidently. Hmm. Hmm.

There's gonna be like three Cindy's reaching out so pissed. Yeah. Being like, we've met multiple times. Yeah. Multiple times. I was in your improv class. It's me, Cindy. Yeah.

In my mind, I do. What about Cindy Lou Who? Oh, Cindy. Yeah, in my mind, I do. What about Cindy Lou Who? Oh, Cindy Lou Who, of course I've met. Yeah. Many times. Hey, you know how you mentioned Rapunzel? Yeah. Have there ever been any other people named Rapunzel

or is it just the one famous one? Wait, when did Fortune mention Rapunzel? When Stephanie wouldn't let you touch her hair. Oh, I didn't hear that. So I said she's like Rapunzel. I mean, sometimes I just drop in some of these. But yeah, I've never heard of a single other Rapunzel. Maybe there's someone out there with that name.

Reach out. Reach out and touch us. Rapunzel, let down your hair and give us a note. I haven't heard that song in so long. God, that takes me back. Can you sing it again? Rapunzel, let down your hair and give us a note or ask us a question. Let's see if we can all sing the same song right now.

Okay, ready? One, two, three. Rapunzel, let down your hair and give us a note. And ask us a question. We can do it. We did it. If anyone doubts, we can do that. Number one on iTunes next week. It's the

shortest number one song we've had on the charts. Cindy Lauper covers it. Rapunzel, let down your hair. Is that Cindy Lauperuper covers it rapunzel let down your head is that cindy lauper's voice let down your hair and leave us a note you gotta be like full-blown new yorker i'm doing like a nathan lane yeah come on i was thinking the peewee herman theme song that was cindy lauper can you sing it come on in pull yourself up a chair that's all i remember i was gonna say that's a short song straight to number

one we're all about short songs around here there's also you know um stonehenge yes are there other henges or is it just the Stonehenge? I've really been thinking a lot. I know. I like how you say Stonehenge. Stonehenge? Stonehenge. Oh, you say Stonehenge?

I said Stonehenge. Stonehenge. I don't ever say it. Stonehenge? We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately, just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy and you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day.

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so freaking talented. Now, season 2 left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up, and I highly recommend that you do so before season 3 starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series.

So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcast wait tig you're not saying that daily and i don't say i've never said it and i refuse to ever say i guess you've never been there either i have but i only pointed out you've been there no i don't think about it i have a real quick stonehenge story is this is just sort of encapsulates both the wonder and magnificence of my mom and also the like sort of slight horror that could come about.

So I'm like eight years old and we're in London and my mom, it goes, it's like 4 p.m. My mom goes, let's get in the car. Let's drive to Stonehenge. And my dad's like, well, it's like a four hour drive and it's going to be dark when we get there and she's like james i want to go let's go on an adventure where it's gonna be fun we're all like whoa cool like it's so spontaneous yeah so we get in the car and like as we're driving like the reality is setting in of what's happening here and like that we're a four-hour drive and when we get there of course it's pitch black and there's a fence around it and so we have these but my mom's like trying to make it fun she's like i can i think i can see it i think and then

we get the camera out and we take these flash pictures which maybe i can post these or something yes please because we're like well we'll be able to see it in the pictures and when we get it developed because of the flash it's only focused on the chain link fence it's just a picture of a chain link and then we get in the car we drive four hours back yeah no yeah i think we got back at one in the morning but did your mom feel satisfied like that's kind of the whole point is that she needed it she needed an adventure that day and probably needed to get out of the house because probably my grandma was driving her crazy or something but yeah i think she felt pretty good i i remember sitting in the back seat with a little journal and a notebook and writing like what's happening you're like

one day i'll be a comedian and all of these stories will still not make any sense yeah yeah yeah yeah your mom sounds like a character yeah she's she's great your mom sounds like a character too my mom's definitely a character my mother was a character too a lot of my content comes from her same do you think there's anyone who's like my mom's just normal like i think everyone's like my mom is wild jack Jax's mom's pretty normal. Yeah. And Jax is a comedian. Yeah, maybe it's just comedians. I feel like Thomas's mom's pretty normal.

Yeah. Yeah. Thomas has a mom. Oh, yeah. You're never like, what is she going to do or say? Yeah, you're like, well, she's going to- She's very normal. She's very kind and sweet and smart.

Who you would imagine maybe gave birth to Thomas? Well, Thomas seems pretty normal, yeah. Thanks, Fortune. Did you ever wonder, Tig, what your kids will think about you and remember about you and stuff i guess you have no control over it you just have to do your best yeah are you a wackadoo i don't know i don't think i'm a wackadoo but i mean i'm sure it's i think about this a lot where because of what i do i'm not for many different reasons not like a typical mother I'm first of all almost 53 and

my kids are seven you know I'm almost retirement age and then I'm gay which obviously there's plenty of gay parents but I have those two things and then there's things with my career where somebody might think oh that's so cool people People have said this, how cool when your your kids are older that they know that you have done stand up with your shirt off after you had your double mastectomy. And I'm like, right. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, or they might be horrified. You know, they might be like, why were you doing that? Yeah, they might be like, why weren't you just sort of sitting and processing and like why why were you compelled to yeah because if you you can pathologize comedy but then also you can choose not to and be like oh it's awesome and just the most fun who knows but

when i do see parents complaining about the disconnect with their children i'm like all yours and i'm like what happened what do I'm like, well, what happened? What do you think you should have done? What do you, you know, that kind of thing? Yeah, I often wonder, because I was out with this five year old of the person I'm dating, and then someone just walked by me and just went, I love you to me like that and kept walking. And I was like, what does that kid think is happening like and the kid the kid has no idea yeah just what a strange impression of what life what the world can be like that sometimes people can walk by and be like I love you and I can go thank you thank you yeah no

questions asked just thank you thank you thank you thank you well that's something that finally my kids are understanding now because they would run into that where people would come up and just be like, oh, my God, I love you so much. And they would look at me and they'd say, Mayor, who was that? And I'm like, well, I don't know. But they've seen me tell jokes, you know, just slowly trying to explain who I am outside of our house. But now they're they'll come up and they'll say something. And then my kids will be like, they like your comedy. You know, they my son, Finn, especially clings to my legs when a stranger comes.

Oh, yeah. Like protectively kind of. Yeah. I don't know what it is i can't figure out the psychology there because it doesn't feel protective i don't know what it is but i love it i think it's so cute i know as soon as someone walks up that finn's gonna grab my leg oh what if their takeaway is that they just constantly go up to strangers and say i love you they don't know why i love you beautiful that would be so cute i love you i love you so much oh no i need to tell them not to do that well i don't know because there's so much that you

take for granted or assume that they understand. Yeah. Which, by the way, Stephanie and I realized recently that we had never come out to our kids. Oh, yes. I didn't even think of the coming out process in that way. Yeah. So you had to say, look. Well, we were just driving them to school talking about, oh, yeah. And then they realized I was gay and blah, blah, blah.

And then our kids, this is just months ago, said, you're gay? I would have cried laughing. We were stunned because we were like, it's so funny. Everyone around us, you know, it's important to them to teach their kids about different people and different worlds and lives and we never ever mentioned that we were one of those families oh my god our kids don't know we're gay honestly i've never i've always thought about the coming out process in many different forms and how people have to have that conversation yeah with people with friends with family but i have never thought about it in the sense of parents to kids we had never crossed our

minds and we're like yes we're gay that's how it should be though you're like do you still love us they're like that's cool yeah that's fine what did they say they were just like well stephanie just said you know how mommy and mayor are two women and then mentioned our friends mike and ray you know how their friends guillermo and inez and hugo they have two dads and you know we just kind of went through that yeah that that's what gay is but we're just like other families and yeah and then it was just like no follow-up questions we just can we talk about my bangs again yeah so but it really still this is so recent that we came out to our kids that's so good maybe that's just the natural way it unfolds it's like the better way because it's i guess

you're not really like kids sit down we have to tell you something yeah yeah yeah it doesn't take on this like weight and drama right yeah no but it was really a funny moment to have our sons who have been our roommates for seven years ask us what do you mean what what what's going on over there well should we get into our um question yes yeah let's do it you know neil patrick harris from doogie hauser how i Your Mother, a series of them. Come on, May, you can do it. Are giving me thumbs up and pumping the air in celebration of my excellent...

You're doing great. Whoa, Fortune, put that thing away. Those guns, whoa. Man, wow. Sorry, guys. But go on, May, you're doing great. You got this. Go, May. Go, guys. But go on, May. You're doing great. You got this. Go May. Go May.

You know, Neil Patrick Harris from Doogie Howser, How I Met Your Mother, A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Matrix Resurrections, and many other things. Let's listen to Neil Patrick Harris's question. It's Neil Patrick Harris here. Thanks for having me me on the podcast i love what you've done with the place whoa here's my query and i'm not gonna ask about your buttholes nay i'm gonna ask a classic if you could have a superpower, like a superhero superpower, what would it be? And I think more importantly, why did you choose it? Godspeed and huzzah.

Huzzah. The gravitas. Oh, by the way, Neil Patrick Harris has a very sexy voice. Fortune. Fortune's hair just shot up straight. It did. It does feel like I put my finger in a socket. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I've never seen you so in love. So static-y right now listening to Neil's voice. He had a very sultry voice. All the curls are gone from Fortune's hair. Just straight. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. sultry voice all the curls are gone from fortune's hair just straight very buttery voice very a lot of gravitas i think because i always see him when he's talking but there's something about just hearing him that i was like yes that is sexy voice straight he's relaxed he's he's probably in his home environment like you know we see him straight he's relaxed he's he's probably in his home environment like

you know we see him when he's when he's on he wasn't in his home environment he was he wasn't i don't know he was at home depot he knows he's on the handsome pod and i i have heard from people that they picture all of us in like um dark room with a glass of bourbon. Yes, and our suits. Some kind of suit. Yeah, either a suit coat or... And they're not wrong. They're not wrong. They are not wrong. What is the thing that you...

Like a smoking jacket. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We have our pipes, our cigars. Neil's taking on our energy. Yeah, he matched our energy. I think about this question quite a bit in general do you guys ever think about it in general i never think about this i thought about it when i was a

small child right right right why do you think you think about it so often i have a lot of flying dreams and and i i often think about whether i would want that or or time travel those are the but then the first thing that came into my head when he was saying it was like, I'd love to have a real big vocabulary. And that would be my superpower. But then I thought, that is lame. Well, the rest of us dum-dums wouldn't know what you were saying. It would be the most annoying superpower.

Also, Fortune, speak for yourself. I'm not a dum-dum. I know you have a very extensive vocabulary i would have and i have a ged that's right okay yeah take us a ged and i have a i have a diploma in shiatsu massage therapy guys um do you yeah wait what is that wait have i not told you fortune's a dumb dumb what is that it's shiatsu massage yeah i did a two-year massage therapy program i'm a licensed massage therapist when i was like 20 i did it uh two years monday to friday nine to five whoa thousands of dollars and never done never done it since what i did not like

touching people that much that and all the people in my class i know i think i was like just out of rehab and i wanted to get healthy reconnect with my bod yeah and i actually wanted post-secondary education and then my mom said okay i'll pay for it if you do one of two things okay private detective school or shiatsu massage therapy seriously your mother chose the two things yes and i was like i think i want to do like a history degree like you know like a four-year ba and she was like you're not you're gonna drop out but wait i would have picked the detective situation who cares what you chose why those two things i don't know why are we going to stone the hinge at 9 p.m okay all right i'm back on track

good point why are we going to oh i don't say it i don't say that word oh you don't say henge sorry right yeah i think private detective school seems like it would be a lot of following people around. And then. Yeah. But man, massage therapy. It was a small school and they all the men had ponytails and were full of rage, like vibrating with rage. And they're all like coming into the Zen environment to kind of breathe and do body

work. And they were full of rage.ful ponytails yeah rageful fiery they just swing in their head back and forth and just whipping that ponytail around yeah and then i show up with my pigtails yes they're the ones that need a tat tat they're the ones that needed to call down to the front desk and ask for a pair of industrial scissors just chop it off yeah i mean if somebody all right if someone moved their kimchi in the fridge that ponytail would be flying around the room whipping around yeah wait how i forget how we got on to this i'm sorry i don't know we're not off this yet did your mom just say massage or specifically shiatsu massage

specifically said shiatsu and what is shiatsu exactly let's's see if I can remember. It's acupressure. So it's like you leave your clothes on and then it's like... No fun. Pressure. I know. It's pressure points. And I wanted to get massages for two years. So I was like, great.

But I forgot I'd have to massage the ponytail men. Did you know when you picked it that you did not like touching people? I think I love touching people, but I didn't like touching those dudes because they were vibrating with rage because they were rat-a-tat-tat. It's interesting because they're polar opposite. Yes. With massage, you're so up close and personal with someone. Yeah.

And then a private detective, you're like in a in the shadows in a coat reading a newspaper upside down yeah you know at a huge distance yeah on a park bench at least this is what we gathered from watching dick tracy no it's true it's true and you would think that people would catch on and be like that's a detective but no one does oh and then also the way you know for sure it's a detective is if they lower the paper and look over it with their eyes yeah their eyes dart back and forth what happened after you finished the two years and your mom paid for everything and you're like thank you for this degree never gonna do this and y'all just moved on i think she wanted me to have a vocational backup plan for for comedy

which made okay sense and i was moving to england with my ex so we then i moved to england and i only did massage for there was one summer at the edinburgh fringe festival in london where i ran out of money like like ran out of money you know when your account is empty runs out of money yeah runs out of money you know you know exactly what you're saying yeah you know when you yeah when there's when there's zero if not less when the money has literally run out yeah like there's no more you're saying zero yeah a deficit and so i put a facebook message saying hey can meet any comedians in edinburgh at the fringe festival if you want a massage i'll come to your house i'm so embarrassed now looking back like i've massaged so many comedians in their homes and uh so many of them that's their memory of me like their lasting memory is me being like okay

well just lie on the floor and I'll, you know. I'll sculpt you. But you made money, right? It got you out of a big jam. Yeah, yeah. 40 bucks an hour. I was really undercharging. 40 bucks an hour?

Yeah, you could have charged more. I was embarrassed. You were like the super cuts of massage. Any comedians that we would know of that you massage that i can follow up with yeah we'd like to ask some questions i massaged um jamie dimitriou i massaged i think lou sanders yeah but a lot of british what about brett goldstein i mean i would do anything to get my hands on brett goldstein no i. No, I don't think I ever massaged him. We would work out together in our apartment.

We lived together in Edinburgh for a month. So we would work out and he would like really motivate me. And you're motivated if Brett Goldstein's yelling at you, you know, but kind, kind yelling, supportive yelling. Like what? What would you say? Well, he's the only person in the world that calls me Mavis. Mavis.

Which is not my name. And he goes, come on, Mavis. You person in the world that calls me Mavis. Mavis, which is not my name. And he goes, come on, Mavis. You can do it. Come on, Mavis. And that's all you need. And then you do it. Pretty much. It doesn't take much over there.

It doesn't take much. I would truly be like, could you please be quiet? Mavis. Mavis. Yeah. Well, what a journey you've been on. In the end, your mom was right because they got you out of a few jams. Yeah.

And now the superpower that I want is a big vocabulary because I only went to shiatsu school. Well, I'm going to answer two ways. Okay. Because one's for selfish reasons. And then I feel like I need to do like a world peace kind of thing you know what i mean you know you don't even need to do the second one we know the first one's what you want well the first one because i feel like i live most of my life in a plane yeah these days because i'm touring and i and you're a pilot i'm a pilot i've basically not stopped touring in many many years except for the pandemic there was a bit of a little break

i would love to be able to is it teleport when you just like arrive somewhere yeah i'm on star trek yeah yeah that would be amazing if i could just like teleport myself to like this backstage of a theater and maybe a local coffee shop i'll teleport to the coffee shop first get a nice why are you wanting to teleport to coffee shops to i want to avoid planes but i love trying local coffee i don't want to miss that on but I love trying local coffee. I don't want to miss out on that. Are you afraid to fly? No, I don't mind flying.

It just takes up a lot of time. Yeah. And I feel like the majority of the performance part, that's the easy part. I don't know. I've seen you struggle up there many times. I can do the show no problem then you're like you know up at 4 a.m to catch a flight and you're yeah you're connecting in this place since you fly so much have you got flying down to an art like do you you got your little your hand luggage you do your thing yeah yeah i keep a

i keep a a bag with all the toiletries and everything in it that stays in it. Oh, I should do that. That's smart. It's like pre-packed. You do? Okay, I'm going to do that. You just know it's there. It's got the toothpaste, the toothbrush, the brush, the deodorant, all that stuff.

I like that. The hairdryer for my curls and my perm. Got to keep your perm. Got to keep my perm. Gotta keep your perm. Gotta keep my perm intact. And then, yeah, I've got flying down, but there are a lot of things happening in the world today. The weather's worse than ever. You know, people are low staff.

The airlines don't give a crap. There's just a lot of bumps in the road that you have to navigate. Bumps in the sky. Bumps in the sky, thank you, that I would love to avoid. So if I could teleport places, good for me. Wait, but do you ever worry that you would miss out on like the journey? Like maybe on the flights you might meet someone cool sitting next to you.

You might be sitting next to Cindy Lauper, you know? And she's like, hi fortune. Hi fortune. No, I don't worry about missing out on that yeah if the airplane food was better yeah then i might want to take that journey but it's not it's no bueno it's never gotten better also guys i'm at a coffee shop in saint petersburg i'm meeting people that's true you know what i mean oh yeah and then you just teleport right out of there and freak everyone out yeah well no i i i'm in saint petersbury at that point i get my coffee

walk to the venue okay i'm gonna i don't need to teleport from place to place we don't want to overuse it because teleporting probably is exhausting do you think i don't know i'm assuming i don't i think no i think you're just there you think it's just a blip no you're just there okay well good but this is coming from someone that has teleported yeah it takes being on star trek i actually have teleported on star trek what does it feel like uh it feels like and cut and then Tig, leave the stage, please. Yep. That's exactly what I want.

Yeah. And she's gone. What? Tig, come back to the stage, please. And she's back. It's very easy. That sounds easy. I just figure, why not enjoy the local scene while I'm there? Then the show's over.

I do my meet and greet chat with people have a good time i've been social i've experienced saint petersburg now it's time to teleport to the next city now we're going to jacksonville i just had an image of you so you're getting ready to teleport and it's you and jacks and biggie the little white dog and you guys all do a big bear hug and then and then you all teleport together, and you're flying through space, the three of you, in the hug, and then you arrive in the hug, the three of you. Would you bring her with you, even if you're 10?

Yeah. What if you accidentally teleported with some weird person that was in line to meet you? Oh, no. And then you're like, I hope they like Jacksonville. So that would be my superpower for myself. If I needed a superpower for the world, I would have the ability with my hands

to take all of the pollution out of the ocean. With your hands? Yeah. Scoop by scoop? With those muscles? Or in one big scoop? No, it just pulls the trash and everything out of the ocean. And then it, I don't know.

I haven't thought beyond this. And can you do the sound effect again? It's pretty quiet. I have like vacuum hands. I thought you were saying you were going to pick up all the trash on the planet. And I was going to say that's not a superpower. That's such a job i could just do that that's just like a massive task you've given yourself that's a that's a massive

um what is that highway program adopt a highway yeah you could just do that but there's a lot of trash i need vacuum hands you need vacuum hands you're doing the osh but you're leaving you're leaving the air and but you're leaving you're leaving the air and the jungle and stuff you're just focusing i mean guys i can only focus on so much do you know how much water is in the this world way more water than anything else may's the one with facts i don't have the percentages but our planet's made up of a lot of water i have a fact that might lead into tig's answer to this wonderful question okay and the fact is that in 2005 they actually made superman officially vegan because they said yeah they said superman can

sense like things life force and stuff like that and and when things life force ends and so he couldn't he became vegan i did not know this yeah good for him where did you hear this i just said batman that's so dumb yeah where did you hear this it's just one of my facts you know and i and i like i do like superheroes i'm i am sort of up to date on what's going on oh yeah yeah you know we do want to preface all of may's facts by saying we don't know for sure what is actually a fact no but may this is a asterisk may's facts yes yeah yeah yeah in brackets not verifiable don't google no but i think they are true they come usually from fax websites you know interesting okay then it's it's for sure then it's also we're talking about a made-up superhero yeah yeah so even if your facts are off yeah well he's a vegan yeah for him does that make

you feel more connected to him too even though he's a fictional no but i like that i like especially in 2005 you know veganism is now pretty hip in the past couple years but 2005 i mean obviously people were vegan back then but to make superman vegan do you remember when like at every comedy show like vegans were the butt of it was such a sort of hack joke like the vegans i don't know no okay i don't know i i you know what i think about a lot is like george w bush yeah and then um i feel like people really went on a rampage making fun of um who's that comedian i'm forgetting his name carrot cook oh dane cook oh and carrot top like all that kind of stuff i always even george bush

i would always kind of be like yeah we're gonna smoke them out of their holes yeah that kind of thing i guess or like long ago when people would make fun of how dumb Dan Quayle was. I know this probably isn't your wheelhouse. May. I don't know who Dan Quayle is, but it sounds like a superhero. Captain Quayle. He was the VP of George Bush Senior, right? Mm-hmm. Oh.

And these were different times. He misspelled potatoes. No. And practically got canceled. That's how different times are. Yeah, I reacted that way. And then I was like, could I spell it? Like, is there any, you know?

I wouldn't even say practically. He was so written off as the dumbest person. People were convinced he was the dumbest person alive because he misspelled potatoes. And think of the dum-dums we're dealing with these days. I would give anything to have someone that even knew how to spell some potato. Who could identify a potato.

I am kind of stuck in the cultural moment of George W. Bush. Like that was, I guess, when I was getting into comedy. That's like my SNL era that I loved and deified those people. Like, yeah, I don't feel at all connected to modern. Like I'm not, yeah. You're not what? I don't know. I just had a moment where I became, when Fortune said I'm craving things,

like I lost confidence in what I was saying. And then I got, and then I sort of trailed off and hoped someone else would come in and just change the subject. May just wandered off telling us what your superpower is. Yeah. Well, I don't have a superpower, but.

We know that. And you would think that while you were both talking i would be thinking of the superpower but i was so you were invested in my superpower yeah where you pick up trash yeah yeah vacuum hands you know who does pick up trash is david sedaris really what do you mean that's what he does in his pastime wow he just walks around yes i like has like one of those lights on his head and uh goes and he spends his day just picking up trash that's interesting he is a superhero yes he is that's why i'm taking care of the oceans yeah david's taking care of the streets on the ground i have nothing to base this on but i believe that telekinesis and telepathy like that we're capable of that if we just tried

hard enough you know i've tried many times and i'm wrong okay try what am i thinking yeah number from 1 to 20 fortune is thinking of number two no what was it 18 i'm i'm thinking of one now fortune guess i mean don't guess but like really connect with me i'll give you a clue you in particular no clues sorry yeah you guys are connecting with your brain. Six. No, it was 14 because I thought fortune, 14. Oh, interesting.

Tig, what am I thinking in general? No numbers involved. You're thinking about a black cat. No, I'm thinking that I'm hungry. Okay, let me think of something. Something with a clear image, you know? Okay. Yeah, wasn't it clear on being hungry?

Pool table. Like a pool table and a game of pool and like a cigarette. I was thinking about an old shoe. You know those kind of shoes you pull up with a fishing pole out of? Yes. Yeah, I was thinking about one of those kind of old shoes the kind that fortune will get with her vacuum hands i'm like fortune you forgot something and i reel in an old boot shoe won't be in my ocean baby not what i've done with it

i met this guy once and i was on vacation in Nepal. I was like, I thought you were going to say Nebraska, but go ahead. I was on vacation, Nebraska. And I was like 20 and it was a very like mystical trip. And I was volunteering in an orphanage and I met this guy at this bar and he had grown up in a cult and we got really drunk. And he said to me,

I've seen someone fly like on the cult people would occasionally through meditation like fly and something about the conviction with the way he said it i believed him and we made out no he just got you to make out you think that was like pillow talk yeah yeah maybe i bet a lot of people a burning man i've seen people fly too yeah you're right you're right speaking of i think that would maybe be my superpower is i might want to fly i love birds so much and i actually don't enjoy flying uh in a plane do you have flying dreams a lot i barely have any dreams oh Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right. They've all come true. That's why. I have a lot and usually I have to start jumping.

And then as I jump, I'm staying afloat longer and longer each time. And I keep jumping, jumping, jumping. And then I, but I'm usually doing it like to prove myself to someone like, they're like, I bet you can't fly. And I'm like, watch me. And then I try and try and try. And then sometimes I can stay up and it's so gratifying. Wow. This is all in your dream?

Yeah, not real life. See, my dreams are, if I do have dreams, they're more of the annoying dreams where you're like, there was a guy, but it wasn't that guy. It was someone else. And then he, we were in a hallway and then a jack-o'-lantern popped out of the, and where you're just like, what am I? That's the thing with dreams like that. It's like, of course, this is what you're dreaming about. You're exhausted. You're so tired that it's it's like you're just it's crazy what your brain is doing.

Yeah. It's like, I don't know, grab a pumpkin and, you know, we can work with anything. And then you analyze it when you wake up. Really, it's just nonsense. Yeah. It's just you're an exhausted person. That's why you had that dream that made no sense. Yeah.

And then Annie Lennox starts playing. Sweet dreams of mid-afternoons. Who am I to decide? Another handsome gal. Oh, yeah. Very handsome. She's somebody that I've always wanted to see live. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tick's going to fly us there on her wings her wings yeah on a wing and a prayer you'll already be there teleported so i'll be on tig's back with all of her garbage yeah and i'll be on tig's back just whispering smelly multi-syllabic words into tig's ear being like why didn't i could think of extraordinary that was the only word i could think of. That's really good, though. Should we hear what Neil's superpower would be? Yeah. I would choose very clearly it would not be flying. Hey.

Because of bugs. Oh, bugs. It would not be super strength because I just feel like my anger would get the best of me. I would want to be able to stop time and to move freely within the time that was stopped with the caveat that when I started time up again, I hadn't aged faster than anyone else. I know that's a weird wrinkle. But here's the thing, if I could stop time and spend three hours fixing something or reading something or cleaning the house, then I'd start timing and I'd have more wrinkles. I just turned 50. And I feel like

an extraordinary amount of time and bandwidth is spent thinking, if I only had a little bit more time in my day, afternoon, evening, I'm sitting here in this farm that we live at trying to fix a German cuckoo clock. Oh. I don't, what? fix a german cuckoo clock oh i don't what i've been cleaning up dog crap earlier i fixed a frame of a piece of art busy little bee and i'm gonna have to like sand and stain a table okay so this is why i wish that i could stop time. Neil. NPH. He's in a farm?

I really like that. I feel that time scarcity thing. I love wasting time. Do you? Mm-hmm. I can just do mindless whatever. Really? And all of a sudden it's 7 p.m.

I wish I had more time to do that. That's what I want to do is very little. I want to lie on the floor and be bored and let let the old mind wander. But yeah, I got these cuckoo clocks to fix. So I can only do that because I don't have kids. So I'm working all the time. But then I come home from tour and can just waste time like nobody's business. And if anyone cares, I have a cuckoo clock on my wall in my office you do yeah let's see it do you see it coming out of the wall oh yeah oh yeah did you know that i know the song from the sound of music that involves clocks all right you ready for it yeah there's a sad sort of clanging in the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple to end up in the nursery there's a sad

little bird or maybe it's not sad there's something little bird that's popping out to say cuckoo very carefully they tell us but firmly they compel us to say good night to you thank you wait this is a song you wrote no it's in the sound of my bank remember so long farewell i'll be to say good night i hate to go and leave this pretty side anyway i want to re-watch it but i don't want to brag about my skills but yeah when your voice gets that little vibrato in it it's so beautiful it's very sound of music though it's very like how do you solve a problem like like that's the vibe i watched that movie like a thousand times we just watched it early days i love it i think i know most of the songs let's hear them let's hear them wait tune into

the next episode i can't just give it all away right now. Our son Max is very into musicals. And it has to usually have something to do with an orphan. Yeah. Or a nanny. Yeah. That's the vibe. Do you think he'd be into Little Shop of Horrors? I don't know.

Also, did you know that that time stop thing, that's a very popular porn category. Oh, it is? Time stop, where it's like in the film, in the piece of cinema, usually it seems to be very popular in Asia, and someone will freeze time and then just go about doing nasty things to all the time frozen people. Oh, that sounds dice sounds. That is naughty. Yeah.

Well, I mean, the other people are simply other porn actors who are pretending to be frozen. Okay. So they've given consent. Yes. Yes. In real life, that would be no good. Well, Neil's just trying to fix cuckoo clocks so he can go to the pool.

Yeah. I didn't know Neil was so busy on the farm. Yeah yeah i didn't know neil was so busy on the farm you know i didn't even know he was on a farm also he's he's created this entire workload for himself yeah technically could take the cuckoo clock to a clock yeah maker fixer fixer yeah that's all i was thinking one in the village in which he's living. Well, I hope Neil hires some people to take care of all these tasks so he can go sit by the pool. Because he's 50. The guy's 50.

And he's got a gorgeous voice. And he is handsome. He is very handsome. Yeah. Very. I want him to host another award show at some point because he sings and dances and taps and does all the things. I like that. Right.

Maybe the three of us can. All right. Well, I have all of my Sound of Music songs ready to go. And I have nothing to offer. Hey, the voice. Hey, the voice. That's coming out of my cuckoo clock meaning your mouth well listen if you've listened to this episode and you've been thinking about what your superpower would be we want to hear yeah leave it on social media and maybe we'll pick our favorite one and

we'll read it next week on the pod on the handsome pod yeah what would your superpower be is it a porn category well who knows yeah all right anyways um thank you for listening fortune do you have any uh things coming up you want to promote yeah i'm on tour. If you want to see some stand-up comedy, you guys, I'm coming in mid-October on to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Oakland, California, Evansville, Indiana, Dayton, Ohio, Charleston, West Virginia. Just added a bunch of shows like St. Petersburg, Orlando, and Jacksonville, Florida. And we just put the Chicago Theater up on sale. That's going to be in February.

I guess you go to fortunefamouser.com for tickets. May, do you have anything you want to tell our lovely, handsome listeners? On the 10th, I'm doing improv at the Elysian with Stephanie Allen. And then I always plug these Largo shows, but I'm there on the 12th and the 22nd. And tickets are at the Largo website. Tig, what about you? the 12th and the 22nd and tickets are at the Largo website. Tig, what about you? I am going on my European tour. October 10th, Amsterdam. October 12th, Berlin. October 15th, Oslo. October 17th, Brighton. October 19th, Manchester. October 23rd, Dublin. October 26th, London.

And then I'm back in the States. October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. Then I am going to be recording my next stand-up special in Brooklyn, November 4th. This has been The Handsome Pod. And as always, keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. Perfect. N it handsome. Perfect. Nailed it.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at

handsompod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at Handsome Pod.