Handsome - Nelly Furtado asks about celebrity crushes

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

The iconic Nelly Furtado asks about celebrity crushes, plus TLC, Travolta hall passes, and Fortune's feelings for a certain Golden Girl!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Cheers. Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Podcast. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin, joined as always by my stoic, brave, handsome co-hosts. Fortune Feimster. And your very dear, dear pal, Tignotaro. Right here on Handsome. Here we are.

Here we are, keeping it handsome. How are you, my handsome friends? I'm doing well. How are you? So good. Does anyone want to see what I'm working with right now? Whoa, muscle-ize. What is going on?

Is this from treading water? Yeah, baby. Your biceps are popping. That is crazy. Tell us everything, Fortune. I biceps are popping. Oh, that is crazy. Tell us everything, Fortune, because you are looking quite trim these days. Well, I saw a video, this is not what sparked this, but I was in the midst of two crazy back-to-back tours.

Each tour was a year and a half, a hundred cities, 150 shows. I went from that first tour right into season one of FUBAR, finished that, started my next tour, 150 shows, a hundred cities, right into FUBAR again. So like a year ago, I saw my face and body and I was like, this is not good. I'm not taking care of myself. So I've lost like 40 pounds. Whoa. Wow.

Yeah. That is no joke. And how are you feeling? Good. I feel very good. I, what I was saying is they did like a best of, of videos on our, on our handsome socials and Jackson and I both are like, holy shit, I had just gotten, you know, on the road,

you just don't take care of yourself. Yeah, like you have no routine, you're traveling, it's, you're eating at weird times. And everyone was telling me I was looking tired and my hair was like turning gray and my face was really bad and it was breaking out. So I'm finally just reeled some of that in and trying to take some time for myself.

And every day I've been getting in the pool and it's a good, like you said, it's a good meditation, but it's also good for my muscles. Yeah, So you're doing it how many times a week now? Right now, since I've been home, it's only been a few weeks. And I've been doing it like five days a week. Wow. In two weeks. That's amazing.

I am, but I mean, that's still really impressive, Fortune. Thank you. I mean, listen, I will, we've talked about it before. I'm always up and down. It is such a journey for me. So there'll be times that I'm not doing anything, but right now I feel very good. Well, that doesn't, none of that, who cares?

We're just talking about right now. That's really incredible. For the record, I feel like only parents should be able to say you look tired to someone. That's like the craziest thing to volunteer. You look tired. If your parents says it, it's like they're concerned, you know, their little baby is tired and sleepy.

I feel like I wasn't getting a lot of people telling me I look tired. I'm sure you were very tired. I was. Yeah. Bags under my eyes were out of control. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm not going back into a hardcore tour. I'll be doing dates here and there

and then I have to work on my new hour, but I'm not going into a theater tour until like April. Yeah, there's only so many like, I don't know, eye creams and shortcuts you can take. Like really you do just need sleep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, and some eye cream never hurt. I don't know, eye creams and shortcuts you can take. Really, you do just need sleep. And some eye cream, never hurt. And some eye cream.

From J.Lo. From J.Lo herself. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. So yeah, I'm feeling good. You guys are doing all right? May, you said you're tired.

I'm always tired. I'm not gonna tell you look tired. I don't think you look tired. We just heard May, you said you're tired. I'm always tired. I'm not gonna tell you look tired. I don't think you look tired. We just heard from your mother that you were tired. Yeah, your mother called and said, May looks tired. I have like three weeks left, but I'm just looking out the window behind me.

I can see the park and it's such a lovely evening and people are playing softball in the park. And I'm thinking I might go for a little walk after this. That's nice. Yeah. Did you ever play softball in the park and I'm thinking I might go for a little walk after this. That's nice. Yeah. Did you ever play softball? No. Really?

No, I'm like, I smoked as a teen and I never did sports, but I liked soccer. Look at those softball dikes over there. Yeah, yeah, we were in the bleachers. I was playing soccer and smoking, Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And then smoking won. My thing is hacky sack. I think I've talked about this. I'm trying to bring that back.

You know, hacky sack. Sure. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty insane to be like a 37-year-old Googling tricks. And when you say you're trying to bring it back, do you mean to make it popular or bring it back into your life? Oh, it was never in my life. It's just now coming into my life,

but I want people to get into it. And it's such good cardio and it's really fun. And you kind of feel like it's so, so much of it is mental and thinking, I'm gonna keep this sack in the air. If it's the last thing I do. Yeah, that's what I'm always thinking about. How do we keep these sacks in the air?

How do I keep these sacks in the air? How do I keep these sacks in the air? Fortune, Marie. These sacks are looking a little saggy. Yeah, you gotta keep them up. Now, May, answer me this. Riddle me this, Fortune. A hacky sack is something you do with someone else or both keeping it in the air or it's a solo thing?

You can do both. I like a little group standing in a circle and you're just trying to keep it air or it's a solo thing? You can do both. I like a little group standing in a circle and you're just trying to keep it up and it's not competitive. It's like when you try to keep a ball in the air. But I like doing it on my own too. Okay, but it is good cardio. It's really good cardio.

You're sweating, you're using weird muscles. Okay. Yeah. Like how weird? Well, then what Tig suggested. I will do what you suggest. I have to get a hacky sack though. Oh my God, yeah, please do.

I gotta get a sack. Should we start a, like a GoFundMe to raise money to get you a hacky sack? A little crocheted hacky sack. I want our handsome listeners to spend their money in better places. I'll buy my own hacky sack, but thank you for thinking of me. If

our hands and listeners want to do anything, I know it's been a little bit since this happened, but they are still in need of it. Western North Carolina was affected very much by the hurricane. If you have an extra dollar laying around and want to give to some places like Operation AirDrop or beloved Asheville or World Central Kitchen, any of those places helping our good folks in North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida. They'll need help for a long time. They'll need help for a while.

So go there and the mills on wheels, helping a lot of those seniors that need it, I highly encourage those donations. Yeah. It's crazy how things, well, they go out of the news and put the ripple effect last for like a decade, you know? I can speak of Western North Carolina because I just know so many people that live there and I see the pictures that the rebuild of those areas will take years.

Oh my gosh. Absolutely. Yeah. I see the pictures that the rebuild of those areas will take years. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. Yeah. But you know, that's the time that we're in. We got to look out for each other. Yeah. I have a childhood friend that lives out there right outside of Asheville.

And I was reaching out to her and the phone call wasn't going through. The texts weren't going through. And I was, I kept trying and I was like, oh, boy, this is terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. That's so apocalyptic to not yet cut off like that. Yeah. I mean, she did. She did eventually answer and I spoke to her briefly and then it cut out. Yeah, she is okay. She and her wife had some flooding in the basement. But yeah, and I believe she listens to Hansome too. Shout out. Shout out to Amy and Sarah. There are so many places to donate to and so many things going on in the world. I sometimes

get overwhelmed and I'm like, do I pick one thing I can really get behind and bring awareness to or do I spread it out or what? But I've got to be better at it. I think anything you do helps. As we learned from a past guest, Arnold Schwarzenegger, he told us to be useful. Be useful. So I think anything you do in which the goal is to be useful, it helps. It doesn't matter big or small. And listen, I still stand by, you should put cash towards the environment.

Gold. Because if this planet isn't working, nothing else matters. This is true, my friend. Also, should I invest in gold? Yeah, yeah, what's the deal there? Gold bars. I don't know what my, you know, you're supposed to have like emergency kits and stuff now.

Now you need emergency gold. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, am I supposed to have, like will the banks go down at some point and I need gold? Well, do you have like a cash fund at your house? Oh, just a wad of cash somewhere? Yeah, like, yeah. Like 100 bucks, will that do?

Well, you should get your little cash envelope together. Okay, well, cash envelope, some gold, what else? Well, this is fucked up to say, but cigarettes for the apocalypse, you're gonna be able to trade those, not for you. I don't even smoke now, I'm supposed to go into the apocalypse with a bad habit? Yeah, because that's what people are gonna pay top dollar for.

Like in jail. And cigarettes. And toilet paper. And also lighters, I read something about lighters. I mean, the lighters make sense, I need a fire. But cigarettes? Yeah, no, to trade, make sense. I need a fire, but cigarettes? Yeah, no, to trade, to trade. Oh, to trade, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not being like, you guys. Because I do recommend many people get some kind of emergency kit, right? Really? Yeah, because I feel like at this point, what is safe from natural disasters? Tig, why don't we stay in Toronto? Just you and me.

Wait, what is Toronto's ailment? Just cold? Well, fire. Fire, sure. But we're kind of, I don't know. It's a lot safer, I feel, in Canada. Jax always says that Michigan's a good place because they have all those freshwater lakes.

Well, any place near the Great Lakes is a pretty good bet. Places like Buffalo, Duluth. I've been to Duluth. Duluth. Yeah, Duluth is a hot spot. I went to a Red Lobster in Duluth. All right, braggy, brag. I got some Cheddar Bay biscuits.

How long do you think it would take to drink a Great Lake? Like if we all run it, ran out of water and we just got Lake Ontario left, like how long? I thought you meant one person. Yeah, I was like, I mean. You're drowning now. Yeah. Yeah, but I wonder how much, yeah.

Like until it's used up. Well, let's say one person. Well. Would that last your whole life? Yeah. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And I think that that-

But who's this asshole hoarding the Great Lakes? This one's mine. I was here first. I think, I'm not sure which or all Great Lakes I think might not be terribly clean. Oh yeah, so you might get some bacteria clean. Oh yeah, for sure, yeah. You might get some bacteria. Yeah, you're gonna have to like,

you can't just scoop a cup of water out of that. No, I know Toronto, after it rains, you're not supposed to swim in the lake, grow another arm or something. Oh no. Why is that? After it rains, why? I think it washes all the poo in there or something.

I don't know. You got pink eye. I think our emergency kit consists of a first aid kit and a case of bottled water. And now I have $100. I don't think I'm prepared. I feel like you're not getting far with the yet. I don't think so either, my friend.

We have those big five gallon jugs of water in our garage. Four or five of them. And then we also have that kind of food that's dehydrated. Like astronaut ice cream. Is it vegan? Yeah, we have a few buckets of- Like lentils and stuff, just vegetables and things. I would get like a water purifier kit like a Brita.

Yeah, Brita. You know what I learned? Put it out in the rain. If you have like a metal coffee container or something like that. And you put a candle in there and you're stuck like in a small room or your car, it'll heat the whole place. Oh really? Yeah. Look at that.

Tig is our survivalist here, what else? Our house is two stories and so I also have a ladder that you can throw out of a window. Oh, wow. I need one of those. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. My hometown in Mississippi got hit all the time. Right.

Well, and by the eye of the hurricane when Katrina hit. Yeah. And I think, I don't know, I don't know between that and probably my medical emergencies. I'm always like, I do not want to be stuck in any situation and be unsafe. I really do not want to be. And of course, none of that will make sure that I'm safe, but I just, it gives me some peace of mind. And I wouldn't want, when I say I don't want myself, I don't want Max and Finn or Stephanie, you know.

So what I can do, I've tried to put together. Yeah. We said if we were in a plane crash in the Andes or something, within minutes I'd be eating ass. Yeah, yeah. We did say that. Even if the plane didn't go down, I think that. You'd still be eating ass.

Yeah. I think if you hit slight turbulence, you would be eating ass. Oh. Well. Well. Who's gonna give me some ass? Oh.

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I need to have some, here's our batteries, here's our lights, here's some water, here's, you know, we're going to, I'm going to get it organized. It's pretty satisfying to put it together, I think. Like I remember when I was a kid and if we'd go, if we were ever in a hotel, I'd make a little survival kit out of just like the toiletries, like I'd take a plastic, I'd be like, I got two Q-tips, one cotton ball and one strawberry I took from lunch.

And like I'd make a little kit and I'd be like, if shit goes down. I've got the strawberry. You were expecting the worst. Y'all boys, yeah. Yeah. The one big hurricane I went through was Hurricane Hugo. I was 10 years old and it came inland and there was like talk on the news that it could

possibly change directions and everyone was like, yeah, whatever. But my brother was like, no, we got to get ready. So he went in the backyard and he got all the lawn furniture and put it under the house. And then our parents woke us up at like two in the morning and it sounded like a freight train outside of our house. Wow. And there was no power and they made us go downstairs and huddle in the hallway. It was so scary because it sounded apocalyptic and when you looked out the window it was pitch black and you could just see kind of, you could see rain, but you could, the wind was like shaking the house.

It was so strong. Wow. And we had this like a hundred year old oak tree. If that tells you, you know, this was a massive tree. And at some point we were in the hallway and the loudest sound I've ever heard in my entire life, it felt like it was coming through our house. We were so scared and that sound lasted like 30 seconds and we were like, what was that? But again, you couldn't see anything and then the morning that hundred year old oak tree had been split. The wind

was so strong, it split it in half and it made it fall down on the side of our house. But if it had come through our house, we would have been goners. But it went through the kitchen side of the kitchen. And the wind split it or like it got hit by lightning? Oh my God. And the wind split it or like it got hit by lightning? Oh my God. That's how strong these hurricanes get. Yeah. Oh my God.

When I went back to Mississippi after Katrina, there were caskets on the beach. There were school buses in the water. There was, I mean, it was just level. There was houses just gone. You just see the foundation, just cement and no house, just steps going up to nothing. If there's lightning, are you supposed to get under a tree or not under a tree? Not under a tree. Not under a tree. Not under a tree. No. Yeah. All right. But if you don't like someone, tell them to get under a tree. Under a tree.

No. Oh no. No. No. I remember seeing a thing about a woman who got hit by a meteor, went through her house and she was having a nap in bed and it just hit her on the side of her stomach and she survived and she had this big burn on her stomach.

What are the odds? What are the odds? I'd like to know. That's like a one in a gazillion. I don't know but it was it's a crazy picture. It's a black and white photo and she's just lying in bed and she's been napping and then a meteor hit her. Wow. How did she know it was a meteor? Well then she must she called this you know local whoever and they came. Yeah, who do you call? I don't know.

I would think it was just like a kid threw something through my window. Like a flare gun came through. I think it went right through the top of her house though, right? Oh wow. You know? That kind of stuff is crazy because you're literally just like in your house, you think the safest place you could be and that happens, which is where the saying comes from. Now this is an old saying.

I don't know if it started in, I want to say 1918. What? Yeah, the saying is, and I quote YOLO, you only live once. Oh my God. My great, great grandparents used to say it. It's been passed down by generations. Grandma, grandpa, YOLO.

Grandpa, grandpa, yep. And so now it's words to live by. You only live once. Life is short. Yeah. These are, let me write this down. You're saying, what is it? Life is short.

I don't know who wrote that one. Okay, but I'm gonna write that down. Life is short. And then what was the other one? Yolo. Yolo. You only live once. You only live once.

Do you have any others? Because these are good. So make the most of it. There's also got milk. Wayne also said, let's go girls. Oh, okay, yeah. That's just more of a mantra than it is a saying. Okay, anything else I should write down?

Did you get got milk? Oh, got milk? Got? Question mark. Soy milk. Sure. Got unsweetened soy milk? Oh, I should make a t-shirt that says that. Yes. Soy milk. Sure. Got unsweetened soy milk. Oh, I should make a t-shirt that says that.

Yes, you should. Another wise words to live by, and I've said it before, I'll say it again. It is from TLC. Eat my ass. TLC. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Don't go. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

What? What else is that message? That contradicts YOLO. That contradicts YOLO. That's saying don't try. Just don't. But that was our grandparents saying, and now this is TLC saying. It's saying stay in your lane.

TLC is saying, what are you doing? You're not the special one. Yeah. That's what are you doing? You're not the special one. Yeah. That's what they're saying. You're not the special one. TLC was saying, what are you doing? You're fine. It's the opposite of shoot for the moon

and you'll land among the stars. That's the opposite of that. That's Casey Kasem. Isn't it like? Shoot for the moon. No, isn't it? You'll land among the stars. So like Galileo or somebody?

Yeah, it's somewhere in the air. It's not Casey Kasem. The, it's like Galileo or somebody. Yeah, it's some yeah, it's not Indigo girls wrote Galileo. We all know that If there was a Galileo person, no, they made that up Galileo's head was on the block I can't believe these are really great things been crediting casey casum this whole time I don't know who that is. And I've been trying not to. He was an American radio host. Keep your feet on the ground

and keep reaching for the stars. That's what Casey Kasem said. He was responsible for America's Top 40. Wow. Cut. Anyway. America's Top 40. I don't know if there's,

is there another saying that Tigney's right down, May? Cause these are really, really inspiring. Um, what about don't throw the, don't throw the baby out with a bath water. Just don't throw, don't go throwing babies over waterfalls. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Why buy the cow when the milk, wait, why buy the milk when the cow's free?

No, why buy the cow when the milk's free? When you can get the milk for free. When you can get the milk wait, why about the milk when the cows free? No, why about the cow when the milk's free when you get the milk for free when you can get the milk for free You've heard that one. Yeah, these are good. Okay, I got that one man Have we changed lives today with these things should we change everyone's life and hear from our questioner? That's right. I'm feeling nostalgic Today's questioner is a Grammy winning Canadian singer songwriter who has sold over 45 million records. She's got a new album titled Seven, very enigmatic.

Nellie Furtado is asking today's question. Woohoo. Hey handsome podcast, how are you? Nellie Furtado and I have a question for you. If you're willing to answer, but I am, so I want you to. Who was your very first celebrity crush of all time? Oh. Oh my God, great one.

Nellie Furtado. Nellie Furtado, what a legend. Nellie Furtado has had some big jams. Yes. I mean, you'd have to if you're selling over 45 million records. That's right. She's a man eater.

She's a man eater. Making work, thinking, facing the truth. I'm like a bad, no one's wrong. I don't know where the home is. I like that promiscuous song. Is that the one with Timbaland? I think so, yeah, yeah. I can't, I don't know how to sing it. No, keep going.

No, it's like, whoa. Okay. Okay, Tig, I felt like when Nellie Furtado asked that question, you nodded sagely, like, I think someone came into your mind right away. I know exactly who it was. Really? Yes. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

Do you want to hear? Yeah, desperately. It is John Travolta. Yes, of course. Of course. John Travolta. Yes, of course, of course. John Travolta. John Travolta in Greece and Urban Cowboy. I mean, holy Lord, John Travolta. I'm telling you.

I've said it before, it's that wiener shot. What? Yeah, what? With the Jamie Lee Curtis movie. We've talked about the wiener. No, no, no, no, no. For me. It's a jazzercise class.

No, I just didn't, no, no. For me, it is him as like a greaser. You know, the white t-shirt, blue jeans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And driving around in a hot rod. Was there any part of you that was like, I wanna be him or you just were like, I have the hots for him. I mean, whatever you want to call it. He was like, on my radar. I was like,

there is nobody hotter than John Travolta and especially in urban cowboy. So do you think let's imagine you go to a house party now today and John Travolta in his urban cowboy era is there. Does he look insane with a crowd of today's people? Like would he look really of that time or would he you know what I mean or would he still be like top of his game smoking hot by today's dimples? Oh my god. Well, he just looks like a very classic cowboy. I mean, I guess these days cowboys also kind of wear, I mean, I know that there's rhinestone cowboys, but I also feel like traditional-ish cowboys these days

will still oddly have have sparkly jeans. And where I'm like, wait, I don't know. I don't understand. You lost me. Cause like, I like the cowboy that just got the hat. The dirty jeans. And whether they're dirty or they're even ironed, those Wranglers that are just like that.

That's what I got on that show Yellowstone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, there's some cowboys throw in a little pizzazz in the, in the like jeans. There's like designer jeans. You need to watch Yellowstone, get your ponies wet. Okay. So fortune Marie.

They have a character on there that all the straight ladies, and I'm assuming you too TIG, would go real wild for. He's a bad boy. You know what I also think is so hot is a black cowboy. Oh yeah. That's right. Oh my gosh. A black cowboy.

So hard. Oh, yeah. That's right. Gosh, a black cowboy. So, so Tig, if you know how like they found there's quantum science, it's like maybe we invent time machines and stuff. So let's say you're at a house party with Stephanie. Yeah, we look over house party. You're back at this house party. You look over. There is John Travolta in that heyday and he is into you. Do you say and of course he is.

Of course he is. Yeah. And do you say to Stephanie, like, is that a hall pass? Would you ever consider that? Whoa, what a scenario you set up. Well, here's the problem. Yeah. I, I'm, I'm struggling here because I, I feel like I'm struggling with this impossible scenario

that could never happen. I'm struggling on many different levels. But I think knowing John Travolta over the years from a distance and like kind of who he is and what he is now, it kind of tarnished. Yeah, it's just he's not my vibe anymore. But please, everyone stop what you're doing or Thomas if you can drop a picture of him, his profile shot on urban cowboy. I mean, and then while we're at it, she's Deborah winger in urban cowboy. Yeah, you really love thisinger in Urban Cowboy. Yeah.

You really love this movie. That was so interesting. Have you not seen it? I don't think I have, I need to see this movie. You've got to. I have barely seen anything, and that is a movie I have seen so many times. I need to be hot and bothered.

That was a horny movie for you. I'm gonna think, look up this character's name on Yellowstone. Well, also, I live, Urban Cowboy took place in Houston, Texas. Well, this guy's name rip or was it in Yellowstone? And I lived in that area when that movie came out. And so I really connected with. Cowboys in a city. Yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah. Okay, Fortune, who's yours? I was looking up 80s movie stars to see, thinking of someone right. I mean, I had a thing for older women. So Betty White for sure got it going for me. Seriously? That's, that's, are you serious?

Hot for her? No way. Yeah, cause she was like in their fifties when she did. Golden girl? Yeah, they made them look a lot older, but they were all in their like fifties. I was not expecting Betty White. No.

I love that that's more shocking than me liking John Travolta. I'll tell you how it really was. Cause I'm, I'm struggling to remember what male cause I know that I, you were straight as a board. I know I was straight. Yes. Straight as a button. So I definitely had male crushes and I think I've said it before, like

Jonathan from new kids on the block. I like sobbed when I saw him sing, but I'm trying to think of like the TV and movie people that really did it for me. And the first, well, there was two people and I can't remember if I've talked about either of these on here, but one was the hot blonde in Crocodile Dundee when she went to the river in her white bathing suit. Holy shikies. How much money did you spend on food last month? How about entertainment? Travel? If you have no idea, that's okay. But Rocket Money can give you those numbers by categorizing all of your expenses

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And we don't know her name. She's the hot blonde. She didn't marry in the crocodile dundees. No. Yes. If I don't remember her name, but she was, but that was my first like. Was that hard on you? Bling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Was what hard? Was that hard on you when the two of them got together? Bling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Bling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

I think I even thought Crocodile Dundee was pretty cute too. It's that Australian thing, you know? Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. So she was my first like, holy cow, that is sexy. Maybe I'm not so straight. And the bathing suit was like a one piece, but it was before, you know, now when people wear bathing suits, you're seeing ass cracks and everything and you're seeing all the vagina,

everything's out in the open. Are you? Yeah, like bathing suits are barely covered. What beach are you going to? I'm telling you guys, look around. Everyone's asshole is poking out of their bathing suit now. The easier to eat. I'm telling you, the bathing suits these girls are wearing now, it's just straight up asshole

shots. What? Where are you looking? She was an early adopter of the bathing suit, even though it was a one piece, it rode really high up and showed a lot. And you liked that. I loved that. But then the person who I would dream about who was like, holy cow, maybe I'm not

straight, but I can't be gay because it's gross. I'm Southern and I go to church and blech. I'm a pretty little lady. It was the crazy, you would never think of this movie being the thing, but Sandra Bullock, while you were sleeping. I haven't seen it. I loved it. She was like the girl next door who was so cute and relatable.

She did lie. Yeah. She did lie. She did lie and pretend to be engaged to a guy in a coma. But then she got really close to his family and they loved her. But while he was in a coma, who she really loves is his brother. Wait, is this a spoiler alert? Yeah, this is a big spoiler.

I haven't seen the movie yet. It's been decades. I haven't seen it. So if you guys don't know at this point, but Sandra Bullock, While You Were Sleeping, va va voom. She's pretty cute, that Sandy Bullocks. But yeah, for males, I guess it would be Jonathan, Jonathan from New Kids on the Block. For males, I feel like that's the sign that you're gay.

For males, I feel like that's the sign that you're gay. For males. Eddie's gay. For males. For males. If that tells you anything, he's gay. All right, what's yours, Mae? First of all, like the Disney villains, like Jafar, Ursula, the Sea Witch.

I like like a villain. Someone with like a twinkle in their eye, you know? Classic. A hedonist, you know, with a joie de vivre. And I think my parents showed me Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was five and I was way too young and it's the horniest movie of all time. And Frank Conferter lit me on fire, electrified me. He's so sexy the way his body moves. And I showed it because my grandpa was in the stage show and my dad loved it. And yeah, so. it because my grandpa was in the stage show and my dad loved it.

Did your grandmother book him in the stage show? Yeah, I think she did. Yeah. Of course. Because my grandmother's client was Richard O'Brien who wrote Rocky Horror Picture Show. So it was like a big part of our family lore. And I remember them fast forwarding the sex scenes, but oh my God, when Frank- How dare they. takes his cape off and he's in this corset and is, oh my God.

And I would go to bed and be really horny. And I was like five and I remember thinking, I wish I was Rocky, the creature created purely for pleasure. Anyway, then later on I got into a hocus pocus and remember I had that sex scene where all the witches eat my ass. Remember like a meatloaf slicing it. I was maybe seven and I had this dream.

I remember telling my parents, I've talked about it on the pod, but I remember telling them I had this dream. I can't wait to have this dream again. I love this dream I had. It was about all three, which is Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Najimy, and they kidnapped me and I was naked and they were going to eat me and they were slicing my ass like a meatloaf. That's crazy.

I told my parents and they were like, what? I was like, can't wait to have that dream again. I loved it. That was so funny. I think I like, but what Bette Midler and Tim Curry and all my early crushes have in common is this like twinkle in their eye and like kind of confidence and exaggerated femininity, almost like a drag queen-ish quality that I really liked. And then later on it was Buffy with Sarah Michelle Geller and Angel as well.

But yeah. Later in your childhood, you're saying? In my teens, like early teens, I was like, I would like vibrate with excitement when the theme song to Buffy would play. I'd be like, ooh, yeah. I was very into Eddie Van Halen. Oh, yes.

Like that was my teenage crush, like nobody's business. I just, I couldn't imagine there was any cuter guy alive. His smile and vibe when he was playing. Oh my God. Poor Eddie. Oh, I remember a man. I remember a male. Poor Eddie. Oh, I remember a man. Oh, I remember a male. A male.

Yes. Patrick Swayze, not only in Dirty Dancing, but also in Ghost and in Roadhouse. Yes. You know what? You're right. And Tu Wang Fu, is that what it was called? He was- Where he played the drag queen?

So sexy and he could dance? Are you kidding me? Dirty dancing is. I love a dancer and I love a strong man who can be vulnerable. Who can pick me up and twirl me around. Yeah, and like he was shirtless and Baby comes to his cabin and it's raining.

Oh my God, yeah. he's like, Johnny. Did I tell you that I wrote this sex scene in the show I'm filming that I just filmed where I crawl across the floor like Patrick Swayze? Oh my God. I wrote it in the script and I forgot I had to do it. And then the time came, let me tell you, you don't look like Patrick Swayze crawling across the floor

unless you're Patrick Swayze. You can maybe pull it off with the black tank and the black pants. Thank you so much. Baby, oh sweet baby, you're the one. Down, down, down, down. What about Harrison Ford in Blade Runner? Harrison Ford has that thing

of being a big strong man but vulnerable and him in Blade Runner I'm pretty into. Oh, you know who else I was into? Speaking of older women. Who? Julia Sugarbaker. Who's that? Played by Dixie Carter in Designing Women.

What the fuck, you guys don't know this? You don't know who Julia Sugarbaker is? No. She played a woman from Georgia in Designing Women, and she was always standing up for the rights for someone. How dare you come into my office and you treat this person like this. You will not do that in here.

And Jean Smart was in there, Annie Potts. You guys never saw Designing Women? Are you kidding me? No. No, but I do love Jean Smart. in there, Annie Potts. You guys never saw Designing Women? Are you kidding me? No. No, but I do love Jean Smart. I saw Samford and Son. Good times. I swear to God, Designing Women might be one of my top favorite TV shows of all time.

Yeah, I never saw that. Okay, I gotta watch it. Julia Sugarbaker was ahead, well ahead of her time. And I was Southern, and they were all Southern time and I was Southern and they were all Southern and I was Southern and she was like the progressive Southern woman who stood up for people while designing. All the while designing. I can't believe you took a break from designing to stand up for me.

To stand up for people. Put him down her needle and thread. Yeah, when she would get on her soap box, it was hot. Do you think her family, like Sugar Baker, like her family was... They must have been bakers that put sugar in there. Can we just take a minute to remember Patrick Swayze making a clay pot as a ghost? Oh yeah.

I was kind of into how Whoopi Goldberg and Demi Moore slow dance in that. Oh that was pretty sexy too. I thought we were about to get some smooches. Me too, cause he takes over Whoopi's body, right? To slow dance with her. Unchained melodies playing in the background. Oh, that song.

Oh, my love, my darling. Oh my God. He was sexy. Talent is hot and and being funny is hot. And dancing. Confidence is hot. Funny is the hottest. And standing up for people while designing. While designing. I was really in, I was never attracted to Chrissy Hynde from The Pretenders, but she was like the first female rock star where I was like, I was so into like guys before that. Whether it was Eddie Van Halen or Willie Nelson or you know,

whoever else. And then Chrissy Hind just like rattled me. Yeah, I was just way into her, but I just wasn't ever attracted to her. The other day a friend of mine was like, remember that letter you wrote Angelina Jolie? I went, what? I have no memory of it, but I hope she never got it. Whatever it was.

I was sure it was that one letter. Yeah, it somehow was the one fan letter. Were you hot for her? Oh my God. I went on a date to see Tomb Raider 2 with a guy and I was like holding sweaty hands with this guy just and then the movie ended and I was like, I loved that movie. I mean, she was really amazing. He was like, yeah, yeah, it was pretty good.

And I was like, no, like she can do it all. She's really got what it takes. Yeah. She can raid my tomb anytime. Fortune Marie. She really is. Fortune Marie. Well, we never followed up.

You went to an event where she was. Did you ever, did you get to say hi or be anywhere near her or meet her? Did we? Yeah, did we never? I don't think we ever followed up on it. Well, exciting news. Yeah.

I did not meet her because she's Angelina Jolie. She like glided on stage, gave the classiest speech, and it was like seeing a Greek god. She's not of this earth. Her bone structure, she's wildly beautiful. That's how I feel about Charlize Theron. Really? I was just done a screening with her.

Oh really? She's gorgeous. Yeah. And fun and cool. So it seems, I don't know her, I've met her a couple times, I don't know her very well, but she's gorgeous. Do you think Angie would be a fun hang? Hmm. I think so.

Hmm. Okay. All right, nevermind. Moving on, moving swiftly on. Fun. Wee! That kind of fun? Not that kind of fun,

but probably would come up with a plan to save the world. Maybe? I think I could unlock her previous wild child self. I see. I'd be like, let's have a 90s style night. I see her watching someone be silly and going. You know what I mean? Well, I heard she's a huge fan actually of our podcast.

Shut the, no. I would kill, I'd be so embarrassed. You never know, she might keep it handsome. I truly wonder, I'd be so embarrassed. You never know, she might keep it handsome. I truly wonder what I wrote in that letter though, I have no memory of it, like what would I be saying? Dearest Angelina. Angelina did make a lot of lesbians

have sexual awakenings with the movie Gia. Gia and also Foxfire? She jumped up into a fence. Yes, shirtless, y'all I remember. She jumped up into a fence. Yes, shirtless. Y'all remember. Shirtless, in a photo shoot. Jumping up on a fence. Jumped up against a fence.

And every lesbian that watched it was like, okay. Yeah, I remember she. I'm feeling things here. In that movie, she sleeps with that woman and then the woman in the morning is like, I gotta go. And she is topless and she follows her out into like the stairwell of the apartment building, just topless.

And the woman's all like, oh no, what do people see? And she goes, where does everybody have to go when they say they have to go? I thought that was so cool. That's cool. It just titties everywhere. See, that does not do that for me. Can you imagine? You'd be like, this is going to be hot.

Jump against a chain link fence. Get your boobs stuck in the chain link fence. No, I think it goes back to like, they have to be funny or at least even if they're not funny, because I get why people are into beauty obviously and sexy and like amazing fashion, but I really cannot even think twice about somebody unless they are funny or if they have to have a great sense of humor. And that's not to say people that are hot and high fashion and all that don't have a great sense of humor, but I like really to have a painful cackle. I like people who laugh easily and laugh a lot at the right things.

And yeah, all my current, I mean, the early awakenings were all these sort of icons, but I come where they, but now I, yeah, it's got, you know, you got your Megan Mullally, Nick Offerman, these are, Catherine Hahn, these are my big crushes. Oh, you're hot for Megan and Nick? Yeah, remember we talked about it. Remember we talked about our crushes.

Yeah, funny or bust for me. I just- I gotta be doing role plays at last days. Well, should we hear what Nellie Furtado has to say? Let's hear it. If she says that those three witches, she had a sex dream about them. How about Julia Sugarbaker?

Maybe it's us. Oh my God. Please let it be Betty White or Julia Sugarbaker, AKA Dixie Carter. It's gonna be Thomas. When I was about 13, 13 I think, maybe 13, yeah, 12, 13. Yeah, I had a poster, or 14, of Mark Wahlberg, Calvin Klein ad.

I was Marky Mark and he's like, all about the Calvins. And yeah, he was my first celebrity crush, I think. But then there's a better story to this. So years later, I was asked to be in a movie called Max Payne. It's based on a video game. I was asked to play a role.

It's a short scene, but I'm at awake. And my husband has just died. And it's kind of Mark Wahlberg's character's fault. So I'm really angry at Mark Wahlberg in the scene. I don't remember the characters. I guess he's he's Max Payne? He is. Anyways, so I'm in the scene. We're at a fictional wake. There's a lot of extras and there are a lot of people I've hardly acted before. And I'm feeling the pressure.

I'm like, Mark Wahlberg is about to walk on set. But not only do I have lines with him, I have to slap him in the face. So he comes out on set and because I'm a novice, I'm a singer, I'm not an actor. I actually thought that I could slap him several times right on the face to practice. So they're like, and action! And I'm like, whop-a, whop-a, I keep slapping him! And his face is getting red, and he's like, wow.

And he's so nice, he doesn't say like, we don't have to really practice the slap. And so I'm there just slapping Mark Wahlberg, meanwhile, my 14 year old self is like, oh my God. And then I mean, I barely got through the scene, but I made it happen. And then I couldn't cry. I was supposed to be sad and they had to put fake tears in my eyes. Anyways, that's my celebrity crush story. But I thought it was pretty damn good. That is wild. Just slapping the shit out of him over and over. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm surprised that they didn't say.

I know, yeah, like just say, oh, hey, by the way. Especially because you're not an actor. Maybe it's good we tell you, don't actually hit him. Our star, the star of our movie. I remember one time I was back when Sarah had the Sarah Silverman program on Comedy Central, I played a cop and I filmed this episode and then I flew up

to San Francisco for a weekend gig. I was there whatever, Friday through Sunday. And no, I guess it was longer. It was when I was doing like a full week at a comedy club. And I got a call from production that I had to fly, they were going to fly me back down. Because I had to do a slap. Like, I had to get slapped in the face. So I they flew me down early in the morning, I went to set, I got slapped in the face,

and then they drove me back to the airport and I got back to the studio in time. And did they slap you for real? No. Okay. No. I got a slap coming up where I get slapped and I'm like, I think I'm not a good enough actor

to do that, to act it. So I'm like, can this? Oh not a good enough actor to do that to act it. So I'm like, can you do it? Really? Yeah. Cause you just turn your. Some people want to get really slapped and some people don't. Yeah. Not me.

Right. Yeah. I've been slapped a couple of times, but nothing too, too big. Yeah. No, thanks. But those Calvin Klein ads were pretty sexy. Oh my God. They were.

Yeah. They were crazy. I wanted the guy from the bear in them now. Oh my God, they were. Yeah, they were. I wanted a guy from the bear in them now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Alan White. Yeah. He does the commercials now.

Yeah. He's in his panties on a rooftop. Ponties. Ponties. I'd like to see our faces photoshopped onto the original Mark Wahlberg Calvin Klein ads. Yeah. Yeah. Could somebody make that happen, please?

I mean, I imagine somebody's already done that, but could you please just reveal your ... Just publish it? Yeah. Yeah. It's an easy lift. Oh, wait, Fortune, is that the face that you're going to do? Are you practicing your face?

Like this? It's kind of like... Yeah, that's pretty... It's motor. Okay, yeah. Biting your lip or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to be on a couch with your Calvin Klein's on and your wiener bulge. Yeah. You got to have a wiener bulge in all these ads. I'm just assuming they're padding that. They're padding that. Yeah,

they put a, they're definitely a sock in there. I doubt there's an actual sock. I hope there's an actual sock. Go old school. Come on.. I bet it's a sock, go old school, come on. Okay. Well, what another wonderful podcast. What a podcast, this is a pledge as always. What a podcast. Please, if you would like to start your holiday shopping early, go to tignotaro.com

and get my brand new album that is the audio version of my special Hello Again. And all of my tour dates are on there, including Toronto and Los Angeles, where I work out new material. So come on out and say hello again. Fortune, what do you got coming up? I have a show this weekend, but in Santa Rosa, there might be a couple tickets that open up.

But my big special that I'm excited about just got announced. It's coming out December 3rd on Netflix called Press. Yes. I'm super stoked. I hope people will watch it. That's really exciting. Thanks, bud. I'm just doing new material at Largo November 5th

in Los Angeles, November 15th and December 4th. But also check out handsomepod.com. Check out our merch. If you like the show, subscribe. Tell your friends. If you know Sugar Baker, what's her name? Julia Sugar Baker. Hello, Julia Sugar Baker here.

How dare you come into my design office and say what you're saying. I will not stand for it. Not today, not tomorrow, but do you like the tiles in your kitchen? Is that verbatim? No, I took some creative liberties Well, we appreciate everybody listening we hope everybody's Doing alright and we're sending love to everybody who needs it And yes, and even people that don't need it. We're sending you love everybody needs love That's right. And you know what else people need?

They need you to send your favorite episodes of Handsome to them and be like, hey, check out this nonsense I'm listening to. Come join the Handsome crew. It makes me and Angelina Jolie chuckle. Yeah, Angelina loves this show. Angelina all that's left is keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod.gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. of my comedy special Hello Again is available everywhere, just in time for the holidays.

Go to Tignotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check that you're a pineapple apart at any school dance you attend. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you attend.