Handsome - Nicole Byer asks about weird pets

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Comedian, actress and TV host Nicole Byer of "Nailed It!" asks Handsome a question about... weird pets!!! Plus phone etiquette, a Dianne Wiest story, and NEW MERCH at handsomepod.com... get yours now!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Yeah. May, I have the exact same shirt on. Yeah. And I'm a pretty little lady with a mustache. Yeah, you are. Now, I am unveiling what I am so pumped about about it's a sleeveless t-shirt uh right here that says keep it handsome yes uh now uh i love these kind of tees going swimming yeah you're a lesbian i don't like to show all my bits you know but check out handsomepod.com. We got more new stuff. Socks. Socks. Enamel pins.

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Yeah. On a hay bale. This is a sticker not to miss. And it's free withultry little cowboy may yeah yeah on a hay bale this is a sticker not to miss and it's free with your purchase free you're gonna love this new merch we are super stoked about it so yeah go to handsomepod.com and get yours handsome pod chatting with friends on the handsome pod cheers welcome to the handsome pod it's your boy may martin on this lovely afternoon joined of course by my very handsome co-host tic notaro and fortune feimster hi guys hi hello friends hello you guys i've missed chatting with my friends on the handsome pod every minute that i'm not chatting with you guys is a minute wasted but here's the good news what's that today i had a photo shoot and i've got some makeup on so i'm a little bit of a pretty little

lady oh my you're very much a pretty little lady. And I know it's probably not noticeable to you, but it is to me. Your eyes for sure. Yeah, your eyes are popping. Can you come closer? Come closer. Oh, look at that mascara.

See, I knew fortune was attracted to me. I got down. I get the vibe. I can appreciate my attracted to me. I get the vibe. I can appreciate my friend's beauty. Gosh, always trying to make it sexual. That's me. That's you in a nutshell. Relentlessly.

I'm like, Tig, stop talking about sex, you perv. I know. Speaking of, how's the relationship going may oh you know you know it's it's good as pervy as as usual and uh yeah i was thinking the other day and parvy it's pervy parvy oh that's horrible let's not make that kick off um i uh i was thinking because you know you know i i love to date i love going on dates and i i have my like questions that i like to ask on my dates and i was thinking that's kind of a shame i um i don't know i can't pepper a stranger with questions anymore but i mean oh yeah you can

pepper parv with it right i could pepper pervy parv with hey don't don't call her that we don't want it to take off remember yeah you're right do not keep saying it don't call her that. We don't want it to take off, remember? Yeah, you're right. Do not call her pervy parv. Oh, God. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, when we first started dating, there were a lot of questions flying at her. I don't know.

Do you guys want some now? Can I get some off my chest? Yeah, give us your questions you asked. Okay, if you were alone in the cockpit of a Boeing 737 and you had the radio controllers on the radio telling you exactly how to land the plane, do you think you could do it? No. Absolutely not. Really? Two against one.

You think you could, Mae? Yeah, which is weird because I can't drive a car, but I feel like I could land a plane. Really? If they were really talking me through it, yeah. I don't know i would be so nervous yeah well that goes without saying and what would that sound like you nervous trying to land a plane uh come in fortune we want you to uh just reach out with your right hand you should see a button there okay um okay i want you to hold on. Just take a deep breath.

Come on, Fortune! There's a lot of people on this flight. My baby! See, there's a woman that has a child and I don't... Their lives are in your hands. Push the buttons! I was just trying to go to the bathroom

and I just... In the cockpit? Well, it was beside the cockpit and then they had me come in here because the pilots passed out, and I don't even understand why I'm the one Because you're the co-pilot. Oh, wait, I'm the co-pilot. Down here, we're all big fans of your comedy, and we know you can do it. Just press the button. I appreciate that.

Move the lever! It was a weird choice to leave comedy to go into, um, piloting. Oh, some call it flying. Oh, and you're,

and the plane's crashing. You left it too long. See? Ow! And everyone's, everyone's mad at me now. Yeah. No,

everyone's dead. Yeah. Well, there were no survivors. All right. So that one, that's a good question. What's the next one? Okay. You have a year to prepare.

And you know, like a mall, like, yeah, picture a mall. And you've got a year to prepare. And you know, at the end of the year, they're going to block off all the windows and turn off all the lights. So it's pitch black in there they're gonna give you a two-hour head start and then they're gonna release hannibal lecter in there to get you so you have it you've had a year to prepare you can learn the layout of the mall fortune's best what i was just trying to go to the bathroom. Let's just remind everyone we're on a date right now. I like to know how

people respond under pressure. Also, I didn't see Silence of the Lambs. I know, or Lamb. You never saw it? Can we just skip that part when I say I haven't seen something? Jodie Foster is asking for your lesbian card back. Okay. Well, listen.

Hello, Tig. Hello, Paris. So he's a psychiatrist, and he's a cannibal, and he's super smart, and he will have had a file on you for a year as well, and all you've got to do is survive 12 hours in there and you have a two-hour head start to hide somewhere barricade yourself in you can use whatever you okay but if he catches you he's eating you okay the cannibal is let loose yeah are cannibals eating you because they are hungry and they think it they desire humans i think it's a power thing i think it's like a

i'm a fetish almost like i think he's got a taste for it and it's almost a challenge to his intellect like he knows you've had a two-hour head start and he's like can i knowing what i know of you find where you would hide in this mall so i guess the question is do you think you could elude him and then you would go by the bath and body works in the mall and yeah you would be tempted to say put the lotion in the basket yeah you could cover yourself in lotion also so he wouldn't smell you i don't know from the movie yes okay and uh fortune would not never even heard that quote. You've never heard anyone say, put the lotion in the basket. I heard it like 30 seconds ago when you said it.

Have you ever heard, hello Clarice? Yes, I've heard that. I know Fortune would not live through this because... Fortune, I'm sorry, but you would be somewhere crying like you did in the cockpit the panda express you'd be waiting in line at panda express where nobody was in line i'm eating some crab rangoons right now and some uh orange chicken and then i would have wasted all that time fortune that might actually get in his head because he'd be like, no one's ever not been scared of me before. He might respect it.

Yeah. Okay, where would I be? I'd go, I think you would, I think you... I'd be at Fashion Photo where you go get your picture taken in the mall. There or testing out a mattress trying to find your sleep number. Mm-hmm. I don't think you guys have got the point of this challenge. Urgency. or testing out a mattress trying to find your sleep number.

I don't think you guys have got the point of this challenge. The urgency is not there. I just assume we had two hours to hang out at a mall. I would barricade myself in somewhere for two hours, but then he's got 12 hours to try to get through the barricade. Maybe I'd build a fake barricade, and then I'd hide in plain sight almost. Did you ask this question on a date or this is a question that you were not able to ask on a date? I hate to admit I've asked it many times on a date. Okay, give us some answers. And also, did you hear from these people ever again? Yeah. i think so i the answer that is a big turnoff for me is when

people go oh yeah for sure i could take him yeah no problem i've had a year to prepare i'm gonna find somewhere to i'm like you don't this is hannibal they haven't thought about it enough have they and you literally get turned off yes yeah because i'm like he's had a file on you and he will get on the the pa system and go hello this is the kind of thing that you and parvati would get into an argument about like how you're saying the other night that um when we were recording whatever it was that you two got into an argument about and it was a hypothetical and it turned into a real argument yeah this feels yes teed up. I agree.

What an unattractive quality of mine, actually. Why would you do that? That's so stupid. A cannibal's coming after you. He has a file. You literally said, he has a file on you. Yeah, you can't escape him. There's a manila file.

The much-anticipated sequel to the Hannibal movies is just me in a mall in the dark. Yelling at Parvati. Yelling at Parvati. He's going to get us, babe. Babe, he is. He's going to get us. I do like that you have questions because then there's no silence.

I hate silence. Of the lamb. You wouldn't like me. And then, oh, you leave a lot of space in there, Tig? I feel like I'm probably more talkative in the earlier days of a relationship, whereas now Stephanie has her issues with me where she thinks I don't talk enough. Oh, really? It's very powerful not to fill every silence.

Like I can imagine on a date me being very taken with you if you were just kind of waiting for me to fill. Well, it's not that. That's what I'm saying is if we were on a date, I'd probably be talking more. But in my marriage, which Stephanie and I have talked about many times publicly, she'll call me. She'll want to talk about something, and I'm listening.

But Stephanie is very, very chatty. Yeah. She talks a lot. She was born to chat. She was born to chat. Tattoo, BTC. I knew someone who talked tattoo. And so I'll listen. I'm on the phone listening.

Yeah. And then she'll say out of nowhere, Hello? listen i'm on the phone listening yeah and then she'll say out of nowhere hello and i say hello and she's like are you there and i say yeah i'm listening and she's like okay well i haven't heard a single word or noise it's just silent and i'm like well i'm just listening to you and she's like well it would be nice if there was some noise and so i now i'm like oh that is a really good point it's a really good point uh couldn't have said it better myself are there any more details you'd like to give you just sneeze once every couple of minutes. Yeah. But see, I feel like a lot of women have that problem with men thinking men aren't listening,

but you're actually listening. I was listening. You're just not responding. You're like, was a response required? Those are the questions I have have and then she's like oh my god i like i'm just telling you something and you should just be like uh-huh oh right oh and then what did he say and then what and i and i'm not girl yeah girl do not leave out a detail i'll i'll spend an entire evening with somebody and they're telling me some huge juicy story and i come home i'm like oh my

god you're not gonna believe it so and so is is cheating on this person. And Stephanie was like, where did they meet that? And I'm like, oh, I don't know. She's like, what do you mean you don't know? How do you not ask? And I'm like, I don't know. I was just listening to them. I didn't feel like it was appropriate to pry.

We've been talking about it on the podcast i've been treading water lately just a a few minutes out of my day that i take for myself to do something that's good for me i wake up feeling better i have more energy and you know small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome code 25handsome.

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could increase with high risk driving you take what you're given and you yeah and then i'm like okay well i'll go home i'll tell stephanie happened. And I call her, my name for her is Question Head. Yeah. And she calls me Idea Head. You're coming up with ideas, though. I mean, that's something. I come up with a lot of ideas. She comes up with a lot of questions.

I know you do because you came into this recording being like, we got to learn three songs. You're Idea Head. Yeah. Well, because I was presenting that maybe we should start a handsome band. I really am on board. I feel like you're like the Paul McCartney of this group because you're sort of the way Paul would be like,

guys, let's make another album. Like you're the engine. I could play drums. Yeah. May, guitar. Yeah. Thomas on keys. Mr. t-dog and then lead singer fortune i mean all we need to do is learn three stupid songs and then we open for ourselves at our live shows everyone call in right now let us know how

you feel about that and if we should or shouldn't start the handsome yeah call in we don't have a number but nope but just call give us a ring-a-ding we're waiting here for your call i feel like i know what the songs should be like the like one should the the first two should be like a jimmy buffett song maybe a sherry berry and then i feel like we have to do a hansen song hansen yeah well we should probably cover songs that are that we've mentioned like come to my window yeah some gay songs yeah every song is gay let's be honest Some are gayer than others. We've had the Indigo Girls on here. They wouldn't mind if we sang one of their songs.

I don't think they would. I'm trying to tell you something about my life. I just went, in my mind, I went, cut to us involved in a huge lawsuit with the Indigo Girls. They wouldn't mind. We're tearing the community apart. Did you see the Brady Bunch where they were in court and somebody had a neck brace on?

No. The attorney threw his briefcase so it would make a huge noise and then the person with the neck brace turned their head. That's a good one. Yeah. That stuff happens in real life. I was reading a news article that a woman was got a car accident she was suing for damages and they found a picture online a couple days

after this car accident she was competing in a christmas tree throwing contest no where you take old christmas trees and see how far you throw. But she was claiming that she'd been injured by this. Saying that she had hurt her neck and her back. Oh, my God. And they go, well, then how did you do this? I don't know how they presented it in court. I'm just imagining it was something like, well, what about this tree? Look how far it went.

Can you do that with a hurt back? feel like tig and i have just fallen in love with a new character which is your uh prosecution attorney yeah you the lawyer well what about this well you know i have a powerpoint presentation a clicker that i'm furiously clicking i'm more interested in the slide slide i'm more interested in the christmas tree throwing contest i don't know where this happened it might not have even been in this country it might have been another country doesn't matter where it was i just love that it was happening and it reminds me of when i was a teenager i would get up to stuff let's just say and one of my favorite pastimes after the christmas holiday season was when people put their christmas trees out on their uh curb well guess who snuck out of their house and went around dragging Christmas trees out into the street, creating obstacle courses?

No. Yes, it did. And then would hide and watch cars come around the corner. And you could tell by the way the car was moving that they were like, what in the hell? Oh, my gosh. And then they would drive, nobody would move the trees. They would just drive around the trees, just zigzag down the street.

Like these darn kids. Yes, yes. I mean, we've talked about how you like pranks before. That is a real new one. And also just the amount of time of you dragging these trees yeah it it's no big deal you have a friend or two and you drag a tree out and it has this like wooden cross already at the bottom of the uh the tree and then you just set it up in the in the street and the cars just zigzag around them and as a teenager a lot of cackling. So you're signing them up standing up?

Yes, standing up. Oh, my God. Okay, that is way fire. Oh, I was picturing them laid down. No, no. They're on the little crisscross that they're hammering the nails to. That is funnier for some reason. Yeah, for obvious reasons.

Because a car is zigzagging around christmas trees until that one car just burst right through one nobody did that's good me and my friends were like laughing till we wet our pants in the bushes waiting for cars to come by oh my god and it was also i would create situations i wanted to be in or i wanted to see you know like i would i'd give anything to turn a corner and have to zigzag through christmas trees in the middle of the night because reality is boring that's why i do escape rooms because i want there to be weird stuff happening that i'm not expecting you know my brothers and i would um throw snowballs at cars

back when we were teenagers thinking that was hilarious and then one guy in a truck like a giant truck stopped in the middle of the road and he had on he had like throw it in reverse he threw it in reverse and had those big headlights that that you can like move and we were like pissed our pants of not laughing but being terrified and this guy's like who did that and we're like oh my god did you get caught by him no we ran like crazy but that was the last time we ever did that here's my other thing i did and this is Here's my other thing I did. And this is so bad. I would go and take people's table, chairs,

the umbrella that goes in the middle of the table, and set that up in the street. You would get that out of their backyard? Yes, ma'am. Tell the members of the court why you were and then dick did that slide slide so you would go to like you're setting up outdoor furniture just in the street that is so funny i would be like this neighbor is the worst okay but i would i wouldn't do it on my street i would go you know yeah i, go somewhere else. And, oh, my God, there was this other thing.

This is the last one. There was, like, it wasn't a farm. It was kind of like a junky house with, like, piled up old rusty cars. But they also had horses and cows roaming around. Okay. but they also had horses and cows roaming around okay they had signs down their property where you know how you read one sign then you drive a little further you see another sign and it said yeah in a cartoon in a no this happened where i was living it said come get your scoop from the king of poop. Okay?

Wait. But that was in increments. That was in one word at a time. Yeah. Who is the king of poop? Well, they had cow manure for farmers to come get for people to, you know, put in their gardens or whatever to grow. Oh, my God. And so I took the sign that said the king of poop.

That was the final one. And I put it in this guy's front yard at my school that was not nice. That's really good. See you roaming around your town up to pranks.

Always. Always. Take strikes again. Yeah, I would watch this TV show. Is it just like having enough time and sort of boredom? Would we still do that if we had more time? No. They have ring cameras now.

I would. I would. Because you know why? Because we could do as we spoke about earlier on a previous episode. We wear a horse costume and nobody knows it's us. We clip clop down the street and be like, well, there's that horse again. I don't know who's doing all these pranks, but. There's that horse pulling all the table and chairs and umbrellas out into the street.

I think you two would be up to this. I'm too much of a rule follower. I would be too nervous. Yeah, you'd be stressed. It'd be two against one. You'd do it, Mae, right? Like, you guys, I don't think that this is right. Someone could get seriously hurt.

And I'd be like, I know it's not. I know you think it's fun and games, but someone could get hurt. I'm going home. At my camp, my summer camp, someone did the best prank I'd heard of, which was that they had already loosened all the screws on the cabin. It was like a cheap plywood cabin that some of the staff slept in.

And so while someone was asleep in there, they then unscrewed all the took away the walls of the cabin. So when she woke up, she was just exposed to the woods they're pretty good they did it so quietly and carefully yeah and they also it was the year that the uh the blair witch project came out and this group of staff yeah and we're in the woods and they they went out to watch it on the day of put your lotion in the basket i like that version of Silence of the Lambs where it's just a nice little old lady.

An old lady. Put the lotion in my basket. Do you want me to put lotion on your hands? Okay, go ahead. So they go on their day off to see the Blair Witch Project and other staff members, knowing that these staff members would be coming back, they parked blocking the road that led into the camp

so that the staff would have to get out of their car and walk alone down the road through the woods at night and then hiding at different places in the woods. No, girlfriend. The people jumping out at them. It was great. Hard pass. No.

The most I ever did was toilet paper some people's houses. That was our big rebellious thing we did was some toilet paper. Does it still haunt you, like the guilt of it? You're like tossing and turning. Oh, I feel so bad. I think about that because they probably had to go out there with their parents to clean it up. You know that toilet paper gets all the way up in the trees. I can one up you something

even worse. I had been acting up in my science class in seventh grade, and was sent out to sit in the hall. And me and two, maybe one or two people were sitting in the hall. Did that happen in your school? Like if you got in trouble, you had to go sit in the hall? Yeah. Well, that is not the place you put kids that are acting up because then you're just sitting in the hall yeah and our class was at the end of the hall near the bathroom so i suggested why don't we toilet paper the school during school hours oh no so the the doors to exit the school were at the end of the hall by the bathrooms. And so we went and we were like pulling all of the toilet paper out, going out and just toilet papering the bushes and everything. And then the teacher from across the hall from my science class came out and we were like, like mid toilet papering with just toilet paper all in our hands.

Just like, what are you doing toilet papering the school is this when you look like dave grohl long hair i was yeah that was soon after no it was seventh grade the picture you saw when i was smoking and changing the tire that was 19 i was 19 gotcha but same vibe same pig right yeah would the teachers call your parents and stuff like did your parents know you were a little troublemaker oh my god yes yeah you know i failed three grades and dropped out of high school i have a seventh grade education everyone's well aware yes yeah i used to smoke in my bedroom what an overachiever we should probably put a warning at the beginning of this episode in case people's kids are listening don't do what tidge did yeah in case hannibal lecter's listening put your lotion in

the basket well look at you now. Should we get into our question? Yeah, let's do our question. Yeah, let's do it. I'm excited. Today's questioner is an Emmy-nominated comedian, actor, and TV host who hosts the Netflix baking competition show, Nailed It. She's so funny. You can watch her special, Nicole Byer, Big Beautiful Weirdo, on Netflix.

And she's also the host of the podcast, Why Won't You Date Me, which I have been on and it was so fun and funny. And best friends with Nicole Byer and Sashira Zamata. Nicole Byer and I have a question for you all. Okay, what kind of animal would you like to have as a pet that's like not a normal pet? So like, it can't be like a dog, cat, I guess there's a fish, like it can't be any of the normal things that you can get at like a petco or something. May, are you an animal person? I'm not sure quite what you mean, but

do I like animals? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah. I don't know if I thought you meant was I like a furry or like had some fetish. I don't know what you think. I assume you have fetishes because you're May Martin. Are you a furry? No, I'm a big, big animal.

I'm desperate for a dog, but I think I travel too much. Do you like cats? I don't, but as a kid, so my mom promised us a goat. I was in grade three, and she was like, I think we were on vacation. She said, when we get back, I'm going to get us a goat, and we'll keep it in the garage. Yeah, that didn't happen, but we were so disappointed. But we did get guinea pigs and hamsters. Yeah, very different. A goat would be great, I think. Then you could have goat milk. What was that accent?

That's what goats talk like, no? Then you have goat milk. Hey, come over here. Let me talk to you. But truly, what was the connection there? I've got goat milk. What is the connection there? Is that a Russian mafia goat?

I'm a goat. Hey, you want some of this milk? Come here. She's the goat for goat milk. Come here. Hey, you like goat? You like goat milk? I give you goat milk.

As long as you don't eat goat, I give you goat milk. Then you live. You be happy. I live. I was just actually on my way into the grocery store. I was just going to buy some regular milk, but thank you. Yeah. You don't kill me.

You just take my milk and we good. Okay. I don't know where this goat's from. He sounds Russian. That is my goat impression. I like it. Thank you. Thank you.

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That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Use code HANDSOME at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. I love the show hacks and it is back baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what?

It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. You guys are animal people. We know Fortune's an animal person.

Y'all know I'm obsessed with my dog. He is my world, and I love him. I've never been obsessed with an animal like I am my dog, though. But I am an animal person. I like animals for sure. So if there were no rules and you could have any, I will tell you, Kirstie Alley will tell you kirstie alley pet lemurs she got pet lemurs those are the little monkeys they got the long tails i don't actually know if they

are monkeys they're like lemurs i thought lemur was of the monkey family though maybe uncle lemur i'm gonna have to google welcome to the family wait is that your lemur impression yes you drink my lemur milk uh i live you you don't kill me you don't kill me milk just drink my lemur milk okay and then put your lotion in the basket. Sorry to scare everyone. Oh, lemurs are not monkeys. I sit corrected. What are they? Marsupial or something?

They fall into the primate family of prosimian. What is this? A fortune fact? This is a Google fact. I feel like celebrities often... We've talked before about Justin Timberlake and his pet monkey. I thought that was Justin Bieber. Oh, sorry.

That's what I, yeah, sorry. I don't want to spread rumors about Justin Timberlake. Yeah, Justin Bieber. Yeah, he listens to this. Oh, every day. He re-listens. I will say real quick before we get into pets more, I did Nicole's show, N show um nailed it oh the baking one

congrats thank you guys i that was all i wanted to say no okay um moving those cooking shows on netflix i don't know if you guys knew this are ginormously popular with kids oh yeah i have kids and uh didn't i send you the video of Max and Finn watching you on Is This Cake? Yeah. I happened to walk into the room and they said, Mary, is that Fortune? And is that your friend Fortune? It's like, yes.

It was so funny. And for a while, that's how they knew you. It's like, Fortune from Is It Cake? I've done Is It Cake? I've done Nailed It? And I've done Sugar Rush. Those are all three baking shows on Netflix. And kids are always like, I can't believe, A, that they even remember anybody from those shows aside from the host.

Yeah. I never knew kids were so into baking and food and all that stuff and every episode i've just done one and kids are always like oh my god really or is it cake yeah it's crazy well that's like the the office i was on one episode so many years ago for one little scene and people will come up to me to this day and be like were you in the office really like yeah yeah and i always feel like i look like the most generic lesbian like if i ever went missing i would never be found again you know i just i'm five five brown hair brown eyes just lesbian as the day is long and it's like how do you know who i am

lesbian as the day is long lesbian as the day is long your memoir title yeah i know there's just certain shows that just kind of stick with people like they're fanatical about them so they watch them a lot i think kids watch those baking shows over and over again because they're fun and big and bright yeah so it makes me laugh because nicole's show nailed it so hugely popular and nicole's stand-up is not for kids no no they don't know that she's well that's like what's his name bob saget that's true uncle jesse yeah sorry true dad True Uncle Jesse. Yeah, sorry, True Dat. Thomas, can you go back in and edit True Dat into everything, please? Yeah, periodically. Just to make Tig look like an active listener for Stephanie.

True Dat. True Dat. True Dat. Oh, yes. True Dat, my love. True Dat, my love. Or just say word. Word. Word, word., my love. True dat, my love. Or just say word. Word. Word, word.

And then sneeze. I don't trust anyone who has like ferrets and lizards, but I think that falls under the category of normal pets because they're just in the pet store. How would you guys feel if you started dating, say we were all single, and you started dating someone that has a pet snake i don't love it you know yeah because you know that story you know that story do it the woman and and so her husband

dies and she's so sad and then her pet snake starts sleeping in the bed with her stretching out like is this a true story? Yeah. Yeah. True dat. It's crawling out of its aquarium or whatever and it's lying next to her in the bed each night. She thinks, oh man, it knows I'm lonely. Guess what? It's sizing her up, huh? It was measuring her by lying

next to her in the bed long and that's what they do before they swally a hole. And she got swallowed? It might be an urban legend, but yeah, the idea is... May! May! The anaconda swallowed her. Fortune!

I know this has happened to some people. I just don't know if this particular lady had it happen to her. No, it definitely has happened. I also need you to go back and apologize for what you said about lizards because my makeup artist stephanie daniel listens to this podcast and is obsessed with it and she has a lizard if i say something about lizards may just said that you can't trust people that have lizards and stephanie is going to be so brokenhearted stephanie listen she loves this show so much she's and you know what it is ripping up her handsome poster as we speak an album her final i spent when feeding it to her lizard i spent so much time

buying drugs and parks from people and so many like coke dealers had had like iguanas and lizards like they would walk around with them so I just associate them with kind of greasy long haired skinny dudes with their lizards on a leash you know so there's well she has long hair but you

know she's an exception to the rule yes or maybe they were exceptions to the rule and there's a great lizard community. There's a big lizard community. Lovely people. I can't. Snakes for me, if there are any handsome fans, please don't hate me. But snakes freak me out.

If there's any snakes who are handsome fans. I had to film a scene with the legendary Diane Weiss, one of the greatest actresses there is. Don't know who she is. I don't either. Two against one. The mom at Edward Scissorhands. Never saw it. Oh, my God.

Y'all are making my heart hurt. She's freaking amazing. I don't doubt it. So I did the show Life in Pieces. And my character, they decided, had a pet python that was like 13 feet yellow python with like beady red eyes. And Diane's a big animal person. She has a pet bird. She has all these pets.

She's really into animals. And so she was not fake. Wait, is she a little cuckoo be honest be honest i feel like people that have birds and snakes and a turtle and seven cats i don't doubt she's amazing but is she a little cuckoo let's be honest i don't think like i don't she's not cuckoo at all maybe she honest. I don't think so. Like, I don't. She's not cuckoo at all. Maybe she's eccentric. I don't know. But she was always lovely. I. Anyway, I'm obsessed with her.

She's so cool. Is she a little cuckoo? I'm sure the best. But was she supportive of you? You guys, stop. I'm going to start talking about lizards. How dare you? Don't talk about Stephanie's lizards.

So they threw this 13 footfoot python on the bed, and I had to have this, like, scene with Diane. She's, like, an Oscar winner, and I'm, like, trying to be in the scene with her and make eye contact. We're having a serious moment, and this python starts coming towards us slowly, and they're filming this.

Girl, no. And she's not breaking a sweat she's not breaking eye contact i'm dying inside and then it would like get to right here and then i'd be like help oh my god they came in and grabbed it and like threw it across the bed i was losing my mind wait why did they throw it across the bed that's how they wrangle these snakes they just grab them and toss them that was the scariest moment of my acting career put the lotion in the basket scared in that moment when tig just this old lady with their lotion i don't know she that old lady with a lotion probably has a pet snake yes well famously buffalo bill has a little white dog not unlike biggie who buffalo bill the serial killer from

sounds the lambs he's like size 14 women yeah and then biggie falls or that sorry not biggie but the little dog falls into the pit where he's keeping the women and so that's how she's able to trick buffalo bill because he loves that dog he just hates women anyway uh i think that um did you know that koalas their fingerprints are indistinguishable from human fingerprints so you could get a pet koala and then you could i don't know how you'd use that to do crimes or something but yeah yeah all you people out there looking to do crimes maybe you want a koala i'd like to have a cut something cuddly like a koala or a wombat is going to be my answer something little marsup like a little stuffed animal cuddly yes you got to follow the wombat accounts on instagram if you're not already busy enough oh i do follow a tiktok where they bathe

um is it a beaver fortune fortune fortune fortune why don't you take a time out why don't you mute yourself? No, it's not. Fortune? Fortune! Mute yourself. It's a real beaver. I wasn't talking about a popular lesbian TikTok account. Fortune's like, I was following a beaver account. I don't know if it's a beaver.

It's one of those little tiny guys and um they they bathe it and it's just having the best time of its life yeah are you too oh i'm loving every second of it i bet you are okay we're going to commercial i'm trying to find it hold on guys hold on to your ponties. I love that type of animal, though. Like a little waddling little guy. Oh, found it. Of course. I'm sure it was on favorites.

Is this a beaver? Oh, that's a gopher. A gopher? Yeah. Oh, then I'm watching a gopher getting made. Well, you're peeping on a gopher look at this does this gopher does this gopher know that their bath is being look at that oh they are scrubbing okay but that's not appropriate if the gopher has not approved yeah and the way it's standing there is kind of sinister

i don't know but that's kind of that's what i would that's what i would pick like i don't this guy's getting bathed and it's got 1.5 million followers watching this what are we doing making this podcast we could just be bathed in the gopher his name Marmot, in case anyone wants to see a gopher being bathed. Okay. It's got almost 40 million views, this guy. Okay. I'm posting stand-up clips. I can't get that.

What am I doing, wasting my time trying to be funny? You have to take a bath. You got to scrub your hairy belly. I got to just get my hairy belly bathed. Oh my gosh. Put this on the list, Thomas. This has 284 million views. May and I will come over and give you a bath.

Put it on the list, Thomas. This is straying into the lawyer character. This has 40 million views. This has 280 million views. Watching a gopher getting bathed what are we doing wasting our time trying to come over jokes probably all you watching it over and over again during the thick of the quarantine i used to watch um the bears in alaska yeah they had those cams yeah they have a bear cam i I bet they still do. I don't know why we only got into it. They're hibernating right now. Oh, yeah. You don't want to have a pet that

hibernates. That's going to be a real bummer. Just farting up, farting in your basement. Oh, you know, Natalie Mains, who's been on the pod, has a tortoise. Yes. So does Leonardo DiCaprio, who has not been on the pod, noticeably. I'm getting a question from him soon. Shut up. Don't toy with me. Because I forgot, the tortoises are land.

Is that right? Yes, and they can live to be 200 years old. Yes, and Leo has a really old one. There was one recently that was around when Isaac Newton May fact. Yes, I'm hazy on the details but he was isaac newton's buddy and he died recently tortoise used to hang out with old isaac newton isn't it crazy you have to like you have to leave your tortoise to someone in your

will because they live for so long they'll leave you i know and then you got some relative like oh god i don't i don't want to i mean it's i wouldn't want that yeah but not everybody would want a tortoise handed down to them i'd want it if like once a year like on christmas eve once a year the tortoise can talk and it tells you all the things it's seen. But it can't talk. Yeah. Only the goat can talk. Only the goat. And the lemur and also lemur.

Someone's like, oh, your cousin just died. They've left you a hundred year old tortoise. Yeah, I'm into it. You're good with that? Yeah, they don't take much maintenance. I don't want it. Well, I will say that my family has an intergenerational rhubarb that my father has got in the garden,

and it's like hundreds of years old, this plant, and it's like the pressure to not kill this rhubarb because it's, is it called perennial or whatever? You know what I mean? It comes at different seasons. Yeah. I believe so. You just hope in the spring that it's still alive.

And it pops back up. That is a lot of pressure. I didn't know anyone could leave someone a plant. Who left you the plant behind your head? Oh, this is from HomeGoods. Is it a real plant or is it a fake plant? It's a fake plant. I thought so.

You think I got a green thumb? No. No, I don't. No, I don't. And I'm going to say my animal would be a monkey. Okay. And if kangaroos weren't deadly killers, I'd have a kangaroo hopping around the house

because that would seem so out of control and ridiculous trying to have people over, have a dinner party, and you have a kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo.aroo kangaroo kangaroo five and if it behaves badly you can go go to your kangaroo oh may is on fire what do you think kangaroos are cute but australians get annoyed by them yeah they're deadly and there's so many there's so many of them i'm just trying to get to work and there's all these christmas trees in the road and there's a kangaroo behind behind each one no i think may is winning on this yeah may's doing but may's doing better

they're so mean they've got razor blades how would you say that may they'll cut you with a razor blade i don't know they cut you with a razor blade i went really may they'll cut you with a rise of blood i don't know they catch you with a rise of line i went really nasal he'll cut you with a rise of line honestly i think we're both doing good i think we're both nailing it we're from different regions of australia sure ah that's what it is but tig i'm surprised you'd have a monkey because i feel like it's such a high energy like chaotic element element. Like, I mean, comedically you interacting with that energy would be great. Can you imagine a kangaroo sitting right beside Tigger right now and the camera pans over and it's just like chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Well, that's why I would want it. It was, would be for that outrageous energy of like, Oh my God, here comes a kangaroo, you know, But see, my preference is a cat. That's more my speed. I never feel like I can make a dog happy enough. You know, like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? Where are we going?

You know, whereas a cat's like, just staring at you until you get up and feed them. I was going to say that a monkey has a dog energy, but also it would throw its shit at you if you're not, you know, they could throw their poo. Okay, then how about this? Well, no, I love birds so much. Oh, you don't want to put it in a cage though? Right. That's why I have bird feeders around my house so that like I can see them out of my windows.

Yeah. My grandma used to have a, put a, she put a bird bath right by her window and she had a book of bird species. So when different birds would come to the bird bath, she would look up the bird. Oh, that's really nice. I really like that image. Yeah. My, my, my dad feeds the birds every morning

and has like a relationship with each one and like they come and see him. Yeah, I like that a lot. Feed the birds. Feed the birds. So what would your animals be? Toppins. Oh, a penguin would be fun.

Waddling around the house. A wombat I want. You want a wom would be fun. Waddling around the house. A wombat I want. You want a wombat? Yeah. Well, now that we know how much I love seeing gophers get bathed. Yeah. I think I'm going to have to have one of those little guys and I'm going to have to bathe it. And guess what?

Who's about to be a TikTok star, baby? This girl. I think you specifically want. This girl and her hairy belly. It'll be me and the gopher together. Well, should we hear Nicole's answer? Yeah. To her own question on Handsome Pod.

My answer is I would like to have a kawaka. It is. A kawaka is, it's like like a I don't know what it is. It is a Australian big rat. It's like it's a rat that's the size of like a common cat. And they're always smiling. And there's six there's six and a half pounds. And they're really, really cute. and they just they like will take pictures with you and they'll smile and i think they're really really cute and i don't know if they're deadly or anything um so that's something i'd probably have to figure out uh before i got my kawaka um and then i'd have to figure out how to import my kawaka to the united states but yeah that's what i want i import my kawaka to the United States. But yeah, that's what I want. I want a kawaka. I'm obsessed with her.

How do you think you spell that? I don't. I don't know. But there's like a place where they all live and then you could tourists go and you can take, you feed them. And so they come right up and they take selfies with you where they're actually smiling. These little, and they look a lot like Marmont, like your gopher buddy. Well, see, Nicole was into the Australian thing too.

Yeah, like a little cuddly marsupial. That's the vibe. Okay, Thomas just sent a link with pictures of quokkas and you got to click it. Oh, those are cute. That looks like the thing that's bathing in my TikTok. They're smiling in selfies. They do smile.

That is ridiculous. Okay, I'm sold. I'm is ridiculous yeah okay i'm sold i'm sold that person's pretty is that chris hemsworth what no that's a quokka go down here buy the quokka quokka mole quokka mole my name cartoon yes great great and it has an australian accent it talks like this you well you can do with an actual australian accent yeah let me do the voice i mean you guys are both doing several voices on this animated series like a southerner quack a mole quack a mole did you say what you wanted, Fortune? I wanted the gopher. Oh, right, right, right. But we're not certain that marmot's a gopher.

I think we also mainly don't care. Oh, that is a species. Then I want a marmot. What is it? Because gophers do seem annoying because they burrow through. You don't want to come outside and your whole yard's torn up. Marmots are large ground squirrels. Takes out.

Haven't even. They're living in Asia, Europe, and North America. They're herbivores. Herbivores? Is it herb? I'd say herbivores. Herbivores. They're activeores? Is it herb? I'd say herbivores. Herbivores, man. They're active during the summer.

A summer animal loves a good tiki drink. They can often be found in groups. Oh, they hibernate underground during the winter. But that's all right. I'll probably need a break during the winter. Tig, can you wake up? We're just wrapping up the pod. Fortune's done

how dare you guess who's not guess who's not gonna be invited to my marmont party bath party you just got uninvited so i think we need to wrap this up before it becomes even better. Me too. And thank you, Nicole Byer, for your wonderful question. Yes. And thank you both for all of the raw vulnerability. Yeah, thanks for all that you do, both of you. You know what I'd like to say to you too?

What? Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again your heart is true young pal and a confidant okay i wonder if we can go back and do that again wait where may and i are just staring at you invited everyone you knew you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say and then all together okay thank you for being a friend thank you for being my friend okay well that is we have to cut that into just a little video and uh do you have anything coming up guys um i do not i'm about to head to oh it's gonna be my birthday in a couple days and then i'm fun yeah may is getting older seriously are you excited for the birthday do you mind getting older no i'm i'm upset about

it yeah uh but um yeah so and then i'm going to canada i'm going to be filming so no live shows for a while but check out uh feel good on netflix or my stand-up special sap if you see me on the street give me a little hug no hugs for me but uh go to tignotaro.com and see where i'll be trying out new material i've also been doing shows with my lovely wife stephanie allen and uh we're doing this uh segment called she said she said where we just chat about our life and, and the audience chimes in whether they have similar experiences in their relationships. Yeah. My, my special is out. It's on Amazon called, uh, hello again. That's right. Thank you, Mae. And if you really want to do a deep dive, I got a show called One Mississippi on Amazon. I got a book called I'm Just a Person. There's a

documentary called Tig. Whatever. Check it out. Check it out. Well, there are only a handful of stand-up dates left after this crazy, fun, 100-city tour. May 11th at the Netflix Is a Joke Festival. I'll be at the YouTube theater with Matteo Lane, Chelsea Handler, Sam Jay, a bunch of funny comics. May 18th, Toronto, Ontario. Yeah, Canada coming to Massey Hall. Might have a special guest. And then this summer I'm doing some fun casino dates. June 15th, New Buffalo, Michigan. Atlantic City, New Jersey on July 6th, Niagara Falls, New York on July 27th, and Charlestown, West Virginia, August 10th. My website, fortunefeamster.com has all those tickets and information for that. And check out our YouTube page. You can watch us having these

stupid conversations. They are on YouTube. Go there and watch them. Subscribe to our YouTube page. Subscribe to our whatever podcast. And tell a friend. Share an episode. If you like this episode, send it to a friend. And maybe say to them

thank you for being a friend. And then send this. And until then, keep it handsome. Nailed it. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com.

Follow us on social media at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast!