Handsome - Patton Oswalt asks about mythical creatures

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Hilarious comedian and actor Patton Oswalt asks Handsome about urban myths and cryptids on an episode tailor made for our Little Cowboy! Plus Fortune hangs out with Will Ferrell, Mae's car scrape, Tig getting bamboozled, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTube and HuluThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Potential savings varies subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook. Illinois. Comedy royalty, Kate McKinnon returns as Queen Mortuana in Headsville Roll, the highly anticipated sequel to Audible's fan favorite original comedy series. She's flanked once more by co-star Emily Lynn and a new star-studded ensemble including Richard Kine, Lori Metcalfe, Jimmy Fallon, Megan Malawi, Sam Richardson, and Carrie Coon. When we last left our gloriously unhinged Queen and her Raven sidekick Jojo, the unlikely besties had led to the woods for a simpler life.

Well, it didn't last. Queen Mo is back on the throne, an heir apparent, and facing her greatest challenge yet. Produce an air before her 40th birthday or lose everything and spend eternity as keeper of the menstruary. It has everything.

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Cheers Welcome to the handsome pod Hi, Fortune, it's TIG Hi, TIG, it's fortune Hi, who else do we have here? Hey, guys, it's May. Hey, May. How are you?

Hi, guys, how are you guys? Yeah, what is up? You were in Palm Springs? I was in Palm Springs for a night and then I went to Idlewild for the first time. How was that? Did you see my hair and makeup artist? I bet I did.

I bet I passed her. It's so nice up there. It's very queer. I couldn't believe it. How queer? What was going on? Just rainbow flags everywhere. A lot of keep it handsoms coming at me.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's nice up there. Wow. Would you relocate? Absolutely not. Well, it's a little too quiet. It's a little too quiet, yeah. And if there was a big lake, maybe, but I like to jump in a big lake, you know.

If your house falls off the cliff, you could just put it on a trailer and drive it up to Idlewild. Just parked the trailer. Yeah. That's a good idea of putting my house on a trailer. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of the best ideas. Where are you right now? I'm in Colorado. Oh, nice. Yeah. There's been a lot of, it's really crazy. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, surrounded fully by fires in like every direct oh my god but for like my you know it's like miles away but completely surrounded by fires and there's massive windstorms so that's why my internet was out yesterday and today um but um but all is all right you know it's uh just always a pleasure to be in the mountains. But luckily, there's no, it's far enough away where, you know, there's no smell of fires or anything like that. It's scary though when you look at the map on your phone

or something and you just see the fire emojis all around you closing in. I mean, it is truly that kind of situation. Yeah. And Colorado had its, I think, driest, driest winter since, I think 1981. Oh, geez. Oh, no. Yeah. It's just, it's such a bummer. It's so sad what's, you know, what's taking place on the planet.

But anyway, on our sweet planet. But it's so good to be out here and experiencing the outdoors and all the cool mountain folk and the cool music coming out of different places. And I just love. I mean, I love Denver. I love all of the different places that I get to go in Colorado. Yeah. Yeah.

It's your happy place. It really is. I mean. That's so nice. Yeah. Did you always have a connection with it? When did that start? Well, my mother went to college.

My mother and father, actually, I don't think my, did my father go? He went to Southern Mississippi, University of Southern Mississippi. So did my mother. That's where they met. my mother also went to college here in Colorado. She was in a crazy car accident where she went through the windshield and was in a coma. Yeah. In college?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Holy shit. Like they took the guy, the driver, to the hospital and then realized later that there was somebody else in the car. I went back and found my mother. Holy cow. Mm-hmm. She was just unconscious on the road.

I think in a ditch. Holy shit. Yeah, she was in a coma and broke a lot of bones in her body. And she was such an athlete and a dancer. And like even like a, she did fancy dives, like high dives. And my mother couldn't lift her arm very high as long as I knew her. And so she would dive like she'd do her fancy dives, but she'd have like rickety body doing it. Oh my God. All from that accident. Yeah. Like, she didn't have any meat on her shoulder,

on her, on her right shoulder. And so she would just, it was just bone. No meat on your shoulder. And then she broke all of her toes and they put these long, thin screws in each toe. And then when, I mean, that isn't all she broke. I mean, she broke her leg. I mean, she was a mess. And, but, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, but she had these long, thin screws that went into each toe. And when she got them out, she used them for olives, for martinis. When she would have people over. That's wild. That's wild.

And people would be like, oh, my gosh, Susie, this is such. a great idea with the screw and the olive and she goes oh yeah those are in my toes oh my they're like yeah but she also saved the um like you guys she saved the the vomit and uh bed twice no what and she was she in hospital for it uh for a while i think months you know weeks um and she is those for hors d'oeuvres and nuts and snacks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You work out from the same claw.

Yeah. And I think that anecdote says so much about your mom. Like, that is so funny. She just, she did funny wild things, and she was a funny wild thing. Like, she hitchhiked in Colorado in a blizzard, gotten a pickup truck that had no windshield in it. No. She and her best friend.

Tina, who was my godmother. She hitchhiking. You picked up hitchhikers. That's right. And I remember my godmother, Tina, got me shoelaces when I was really little that just said bullshit all over them. A toddler with bullshit. But anyway, so that's that. And my father lived in Denver years ago.

I think maybe when I was alive, but I don't know. He was hard to track. And then my brother went to school out here. I moved out here as soon as I dropped out of high school. And we just have a lot of connections and old friends. Yeah. In Denver, Fort Collins, Gunnison, all these different areas. So anyway, it's Breckenridge, a lot of different places.

And it just, yeah, it feels really good pulling into the mountains. and having the mountain. Mountain Mama. Yes. And it's just also so fun to see Max and Finn and Stephanie really take to it because Stephanie had absolutely no connection. And she is serious Mountain Mama, man. Yeah.

Really? And those little cubs, yeah. They love it. And mountain biking and kayaking, rafting. It's just like, it's such a great summertime. People think. of Colorado for winter, but it is top-notch summertime getaway. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Anyway, that's what I'm up to. I love this for you guys. I love you too. And so what else? I see your yellow background

fortune. You're in the South. I'm in the Old South. Yeah, I, uh, this week's been really fun. I got to go to two of the World Cup games. So many people message me. saying peanut butter bitch was on TV. You want to TV? Y'all, I made it on television, got him a big deal. Well, the first game I went to was in L.A. I hope our numbers go up and I hope your star meter goes up. I hope my star meter is through the roof.

Yeah, Thomas Checker's Star Meter. My Star Reader's low right now. Oh, okay. Well, because I was with Will Ferrell, so his Star Meter went up high and I was his sidekick. Oh, okay. And he was dressed in character, right? He wore his hawk.

132. You're at 132, Fortune? Then it worked. Oh, my God. Because I was like 4,000 a week ago. Everybody was like, what's that gender? It worked. Yeah, I went to the USA game with him.

And he's so fun to go to sports with because he loves sports. And I really love sporting events, too. I get so into it. and he our seats were down you know a lot of the celebrities like him are in these boxes away from everybody but he likes to be in the mix so we were in them in surrounded by all these people and so they were like doing the camera to these different celebrities in the boxes and he had his hawk had on because to promote our um uh tv show for netflix and nobody knew he was Like the camera guys didn't know he was sitting there, so he kept yelling at the camera guy trying to get his attention.

It's me. We all started yelling at the camera guy. Finally, the guy looked up at him and saw him and gave him a wink. And we're like, okay, well, got a wink. We'll see what happens. So later in the second half, they start going around showing different people in the stadium. And they were showing like Leonardo DiCaprio and like all these different people. And then I said, well, the camera guys looking at it.

you. I said, get ready. So it came on me and Will and our whole section starts going nuts because all of us had worked hard to get the camera guys attention. So we're jumping up and down and I'm pointing at the Hawk hat and he's doing the Hawk thing and they put it on TV. And so my phone just started blowing up because I, you know, it's the World Cup. Like I, everyone in their mother is watching this thing. And it was so funny. Except your mom. Except your mom. But Will and I turned into like 12,

you know how like 12 year olds get pumped when the cameras, the jumbotrons on them? We turned into those 12 year olds where we're like, oh my God, oh my God. And losing our minds. So it was really funny just seeing us get so giddy about being on a jumbo tron. It's so exciting for him just to finally get camera time.

I know, finally. You totally can notice. And America won, right? So were people going on? No. They lost in the last five seconds. Oh, fuck. But it didn't affect anything because they were already won the round, thankfully. But man, he is beloved.

He, at halftime, I said, we'll get ready. And I look up, there is a line of people all the way up the stairs. A lot of kids. Just, he basically, it turned into a meat and green. him taking pictures for the entire half time. So I was like, I'm going to go get us drinks and hot dogs. That's so nice though. I just left him be and he basically did a meet and greet for everybody.

And then, you know, walking to his car afterwards, I mean, he's been in so many things for so many years. And he's six, four, he's so tall. Yeah. And so our whole, we walk, you walk through the all. the parking lots for like 20-something minutes. It's just like one person out of there, Wilfellow, Wilfarre, Wilfarrell, you know, you're my boy, blue, or like, whatever,

whatever quote, you know, more cowbell. Yeah. I was like, he is living a very different life than most people. He is just so recognizable. Yeah. It was a blast. Yeah, I had so much fun. And then I got to go to another World Cup game in Atlanta to watch the Congo.

They won. That was an incredible game. Oh, my God. It's just so fun. having this huge tournament here in our That's incredible. I should go see a game. I just like to see it up close on TV where you can really see.

TV is fun too, yeah. Yeah, but I should go see. But these fans from all these countries are so passionate. And so I really wish I could see an Argentina game because their fans are unbelievably excited. You get wrapped up in that energy. Like everyone's got drums and they're cheering and the sections are full of people, they go nuts.

It's like the coolest, like, fandom. I have an Argentinian friend called Martina, and this year she was like, you know, this year I can't. Like, it's so much effort and energy. Like, I'm just not going to get into the World Cup this year. And then I just saw an Instagram story of her like, like at this huge party with a drum and everyone's going nuts. You can't help it.

It's contagious. He scored six goals already in the, Yeah, it's crazy. Now, has Abby still maintained the highest scoring? I don't know. Does she? The highest? I thought she was the highest all-time soccer player.

Out of men and women? I really don't know. Is it just Abby and Pele that I know about? I want to know. That's crazy. She has the most. She has the most for overall international goals out of men or women. Nice.

I did not know that. That's absolutely insane. Abby was incredible to watch. Oh, my God. That was like, Abby was just like a, like a clinch player. Like, it would be like they need one goal to win. You're down to the wire and just somehow it would always just like be there. Bam.

That's incredible. So fun to watch. Classic Gabby. That team was incredible with Megan Rapino and Tobin Heath and Carly Lloyd. that I mean just watching them was I mean such such a unique team so I mean we've had so many great teams in the women's and the men's the US men's teams so much better this this time too well we might notice Thomas looking distracted at some point because Canada's playing in about 15 minutes it's gonna have it up in a little quarter we're recording a little ahead of time be it

because of summertime. So as of this airing, a lot may have changed in the World Cup. So just know we're a little ahead at the moment. And is Ginger into it? No. She's not.

I mean, she loves that there's like a cool thing going on. She loves that I'm into it. But she's never been, I mean, she's grown up with us, taking us all these sporting things. She's grown up. She's grown up.

She's we grown up with her taking us to sporting events. It's been such a pleasure watching Jim's growing up. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I pack the right clothes when I go out on the road. Now I have a fashion dilemma on my hands. I accidentally packed five pairs of jeans and zero T-shirts for a week away from home. And now I'm going to have to do some emergency shopping. Yeah, checking first is handsome.

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I mean, she's one of those people that if you're like, hey, come, let's go do this thing. She'd be like, great, let's go. She's not, you know, seeing it out. Right. Guys, I said in the last recording, I wanted to tell you about something that happened with my car. Oh, yeah. And I've processed it a little more now. Oh, no.

Is it a traumatic thing that? Well, so I And I'm back on the road Let's just start there And I drove to Heidelwild and everything But was your horn stuck No, what happened How do you do it?

Was that a broken horn? That's a broken horn. I guess but you know When it won't shut off It's so funny No, what happened was And yeah maybe you can advise Well, so I was dropping off some film to get developed at like a strip mall.

And so there's a little outdoor parking lot. Sure. And I park and then I'm leaving. And I guess I'm like, I wasn't distracted or anything. And there's in my periphery, a park's car. And I guess I judged where the exit to the little parking lot was based on that car. And I didn't realize there was a concrete wall jutting out. Little cowboy.

Oh, no. Little cowboy. I was. was the Titanic on an iceberg. I crunched the entire side of my car, like destroyed my, and I mean, I was going so slowly too, but I didn't know what was happening.

So I kind of just turned into the wall? Yeah, like the corner of my car just hit the wall. Mays know it driving still. And just like that. But it gets worse. That's the worst when it's like happening. And it's like time. and you can't stop it.

Getting out of it or going into it? You're still scraping and grinding. Because I was trying to reverse and it was just digging deeper. Cowboy, tiniest little cowboy. There was a man standing there

who kindly told me how to drive. You've hit something with your car. I know. And so I stayed really calm and I got out of the I was like, I better look at the damage. And I get out of the car. And then this woman comes, pops up out of nowhere.

Like she kind of, I see her in my periphery and she goes, she's like, what the fuck? And I'm like, yeah, I hit the, I hit the one. She goes, you almost ran over my foot. And I said, oh, I said, I'm so sorry. I didn't, where were you? I didn't, because she had not been there. Yeah. And then within five minutes, she starts saying, you ran over my foot.

Oh, my God. She said, but you almost did, and then she said you did. Then she said I did. And she's walking on this foot. She recognized you from the handsome pod. And I'm like, she knew that voice anywhere. So I said, I was so confused and rattled, but I'm like really calm. And she's getting more and more hyped up.

And she's going, what the fuck? She said, you're fucking up. She goes, I said, I know. I'm really upset. You said, I know. Yeah, I said, I'm, I'm really upset. How old was this woman? Maybe 30s.

That's a troublemaker. I start to realize like some things up with this woman, right? And I said, I'm so sorry, I'm confused. And I'm like, looking at her in there, I said, did I hit your body? Like, did I? And she won't answer. She won't lie directly to my face, but she keeps going here. And then she stands in front of my car.

She says, you're not leaving. Then she starts going, Armando. Oh, not Armando. Armando. And I'm like, who's there too? She goes, I'm calling my brother and... What's Armando going to do? Well, kill me, I guess.

About to find out. Yeah. Armando's in the mafia. So I'm looking around. I'm like, and then I see this old lady in a car that's parked near me and she's looking at me and she's going like that. And I'm like, what? And I go, did I hit her?

And she goes, no. She goes, get back in your car. Drive away. And I'm like, okay. And then I said to the woman, hey, this lady says I didn't hit you. Then the old lady's pissed at me for. ratting her out and she just rolls up her window drives away. Oh, lady's giving you the bird. Yeah. So she's a mess. This is, I know. So she's blocking my- Yeah. Well, the woman said you're

messing up. Yeah. And then I said to the woman, okay, I said, you can't just block me in here. I said, let's check the security cameras. Yeah. You know, and I said, I said, do you want me to, I can call the police? She goes, no, I'm calling them. I'm calling them. Then we both make fake phone calls to the cops. Because neither of us want to call. So I make a fake call. I go, hi, hi, is this the police? There's a woman blocking her. She goes, yep, police are on their way.

She doesn't even say anything to them. Wow. And you guys both are doing this. Yes. With your fingers. And does she seem crazy? She's starting to seem pretty strong out. But like the way she looked.

Oh, she seemed strong out like on drugs. She's just waiting for someone to smash into a brick wall so that this could happen. Yeah, like she doesn't see. And hair comes. Like an unhoused person, like she seems, you know, she's got her phone, but she's pretty manic. Wait, did Armando ever come over? Well, so she's yelling at Armando. Then she says to me, you got to go to an ATM and cash me out. Yeah, I knew it. So I knew this is coming.

And so I'm like, what do I do? Because part of it, there's like the 1% in my brain that's like, did I run over her foot? And then I gave her $5,000. No. And, but you wouldn't be walking. on your foot if you ran over. And she, I keep saying to her, what's interesting is that she won't lie to my face. Because I said, can you look me in the eye and tell me, did I hit you with my car? And she, she won't say that I did. She's just blocking the car. And then I said, okay, I'm going to park. And part of me is like, give me your, I said, if you want to give me your Venmo, I said, I'm not going to go to the ATM. If it's going to take $100 for you to get out of my way and we can

both go on our days, like, fine. And she still is blocking the way and going, Armando. And I'm like, Armando will kill me. I don't know who he is or if he's real. And then so I said, I'm just going to park. And she went, turned her back for one second. And I just reversed. And I went out the other exit of the place. And thank God my car was still functioning, but it's all destroyed. Oh, I was like shaking. And then I got home and then I've had to put my car in the shop and stuff. And But I was like, what is that about? Have you had that where someone's trying to get money out of you? I mean, I'm sure that's a thing.

I mean, I told you how I got bamboozled on my. Wait, I don't know if you did. No, who'd you get bamboozled by? Well, I didn't tell you how there's a rule in our house that I'm not allowed to push buttons anymore. I don't think so. I don't think you did. This is not something. Thomas,

So you remember this when I got bamboozled? This is a long time ago. But we didn't talk about it on the pod, right? Okay. Well, it's embarrassing, but I'll share it. It was a long time ago, probably a decade or so. And I was on my computer and it froze, and this message popped up and said, you've been hacked, call this number.

Oh, no. And I was like, oh, gosh. And so I called the number. and they were like, you know, if you pay us this, we can get your, your computer on. And so I paid and I was so, I was like, thank you so much. I want to get my assistant this protection. I'm going to get my wife this protection. And so I, I was, Thomas was my assistant at the time and he was helping me do something

with my, with my money because clearly I needed help with that. And he was like, Tig, what is this payment? here. And I was like, oh, I meant to tell you, I want to get you this protection. And he was like, he Googled the company, he goes, this is a scam. This is not, they, they robbed you. And I was like, what? And so I told Stephanie about it. And then, you guys, I don't know if it's good that I'm announcing this to the world, but I've changed. I am not as. You're not gullible anymore. No. And, And so Stephanie overhears me, take a phone call, which is the bamboozling company calling to see if I'm happy with their product. And I was like, how dare you?

I was like, I found out you guys robbed me. I want my money back. And then the guy says, man, we didn't rob you, but we're happy to refund your money. Just open your website, your bank account. And so I'm in my office and I'm like on the computer. And I'm like, wrong you again? No, no, no, Stephanie overhears me in the office. She comes in and she goes, what are you doing?

And I was like, this is that company. I told them that we caught him and they're going to refund my money. And she goes, close your bank account. She was like, they're about to rob you again. I go, no, no, no. And they're refunding me the money. And she was like, hang up the phone. And I was like, oh, my God, you're trying to rob me again.

And then And then after. He's like, I'm so sorry. We'll return your money. Go back into your bank account. Yeah. Open your bank account. And then after that happens, Stephanie was like,

you are not allowed to push any buttons in this house. You're not allowed to answer the phone. You're not allowed to answer the door. You're not allowed to get on your computer. You can't turn the TV on because any time I turn the TV on, the whole house blows up. And so it's a rule that's been in our family for a decade now that I'm not allowed to push. But he's like, oh, I'm so sorry.

You can definitely take care of this. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Isn't it so like galling, talking to someone going, you're robbing me. And they're like, it is so, yeah. It's so crazy. And it's also like, what is wrong with me? It's like, I'm the person that people thought was.

cool, I smoked, I, you know what I mean? Like, I can like, you're bamboozling me. Yeah. You're, you've lied to me again. But I have this weird part of my personality where I can sniff out certain things that, you know, like I feel like I have an extra sense. But then I also have a problem. I think it, I think it's a power and a weakness sometimes. It's that often, it's that often. I just take people for face value. And if people tell me something, see, I probably shouldn't be saying this. Or you don't, like, you wouldn't assume ill intent with someone who's like, but it's pretty rare that someone is like blatantly lying to you confidently like that.

It's so hard to sniff that out because you're, you would just never assume that someone's just blatantly lying. Right. But then there's certain people in personality types or behavior where I'm like, I don't like that. You know what I mean? But then somebody calls and just bamboozles me. I mean, if Stephanie had not been home and I had been by myself, I can't even imagine.

Or if Thomas hadn't found that. Isn't that what happened, Thomas? Am I remembering this all correctly? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. You were convinced it was Apple, but it was just. Bamboozling.

It was so humiliating. It was so. humiliating. Like I really came down hard on myself on that. I was like, what is wrong with me? Yeah, I'm sure it feels very disorienting. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I think it was, it was like the beginning of my relationship and I, I feel like, even though Stephanie and I had a sense of humor about it, it was like the early, like first couple of years of being together. And I just felt like a loser. I was like, yeah, you're like, do you think of me differently? You're like, I should know better. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, whatever. It was a learning curve. And I think it's, I don't think I

was as tech savvy. Not that I'm terribly tech savvy now. I don't think you would fall for that now. Yeah. But I feel like also since that happened, I constantly sent Thomas things and go, is this real? What is this? I'll screenshot things and I'll be like, should I click on this? Is this? That's good. No, I know, but like I, yeah, but that all stems from that. Like even now, even though you're not my assistant, I'll be like, is this weird? Is this real? And he'll be like, delete that.

Don't click on that. Yeah, true is always yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Summer always makes me rethink what I'm reaching for every day. Lighter fabrics, better materials, pieces that just feel good the moment you put them on and look effortless. That's why I keep coming back to Quinn. They focus on high-quality essentials, think breathable linen, soft organic cotton, washable silk,

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I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host.

to show what's our podcast here on HeadGum. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-on-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like your skateboarding through the internet or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place.

I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all on my website. Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to, like, do I need another type of website to, like, find the right pictures or, like, another type of website to upload the, like, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or, like, no, it makes it easy on me, please. Yes, and you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. You know what I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs.

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save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. So should I like not go back to that film photography place? like, what happens if I bump into this woman again?

She took pictures of my license plate and stuff, but I didn't, I don't know. She would have no proof that you did that because it didn't happen. No, or the security cameras would, would indicate me. Because you literally had someone watch the whole thing go down. You're like, that did not happen. Yeah. But wait, are you saying like she might hang out at that photo place? It seemed like she hung out there because she was yelling that Armando was in a nearby house and stuff.

I might just go to a different. It was also embarrassing because there's. really hot queer people that work at this photo lab. Oh, hot queer people. I had just been in there. Stay away from there. Chat into these cool people. And then they saw this whole thing play out of me being like, I'm already upset about

my idea. Picture me and May handling a bamboozling together. Teeming up. Now look me in the eye. Tell me you're not bamboozling me. I need you to be honest. I so relate to that. also I said to her yeah

can you look me in the eye and tell me did I hit your body I kept saying that phrase but like what I've done if she was just like yes and lying I would have been like okay well then you doubt yourself that yeah yeah go to a new place

go to a new place don't take any more pictures I really though it made me feel so stupid with my car I felt so embarrassed because I was like I just drove into a wall there like how do you does that happen? Listen, I bought computer safety for everybody.

Yeah, it just happens. Sometimes you just have a total brain fart. And it's like, yeah. And you'll be like, why did I do that? Like, for sure. Have you done that? Have you like clipped a parked car or done something like that? Or driven into a wall?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you always do something stupid. like I drove off a curb and it scraped the whole bottom of my car and you're like, why did I, why did I not just like pull, go left a little bit? Was that recent? Was that recent?

Like a couple years ago, but yeah, there's always like something of like, God, that was so stupid. Yeah. I know better than that. It was a good reminder because I had, I'd been feeling really confident and good.

And now I'm like, I, but that's also just being on a, driving a vehicle, you know, they're very large. cars that, you know, that's why you always tell yourself that you need to be very present. Yeah.

Oh, my Lord. Anyway, that was the anecdote. Yeah. Should we, should we get to our question? Yeah. Yes, we should. Today's question asker is an Emmy-winning Grammy-nominated actor, comedian, and writer who starred in movies like Ratatouille and Young Adult and TV shows like the Goldbergs.

His new stand-up special, Tea and Scotch, is available to watch now on. On YouTube, Pat and Oswald is asking today's question. Woo-hoo. Tea and Scotch. What a combo. Yeah. Hey, guys. It's Patton Oswald.

I am in Terrytown, New York, also known as Sleepy Hollow, over the headless horseman. And that got me to thinking, if there was an urban myth or a cryptid that could be proven to be real and exist and true, what would you want? to be proven to be real. This, of course, being the town of the legendary Headless Horseman. Oh, this is classic, yeah, classic May.

When Thomas is like, May can't wait to get to Patton's question, I was like, God, I wonder what Patton's question is. And I'm here going like, God, what is an urban myth can I think of? I don't even. It's also classic Patton. It's just perfectly him. and it's perfectly you. I think we'd get along.

I don't, I've met. I've never met a couple of times, but never like properly chatted. So he's into nerdy stuff like that. Oh my God. His whole brand is nerds though. Oh, really? Okay.

And he's so knowledgeable about all of it. You guys would like go into a deep hole of conversation for sure. And never come out. If I can just say also, I completely forgot he was in young adult. Did you guys see that movie? Oh, that's right. Was that with Charlize?

Yes. My soul ganger. Where she's like, go. Is it where she goes back to her hometown and she's, does he make out with her? I don't even remember what it's about, but I remember loving it. Diablo Cody wrote it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And Stephanie and I, when we got together, we both not only love. young adult. We went to the theater to see it numerous times. Oh, wow. Really? Yes.

I really loved that film. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, that is the reason I had Diablo Cody on my list of who I wanted to write my my Amazon series, One Mississippi with. And that's who I ended up working on it with because I was like, I loved the tone of young adults. We should get a question from her. Oh, yeah.

I could reach out, see if she'd do that. I know her. Brooke. Yeah. A.k.a. Brooke. A.k.a. Diablo is a much cooler name. I sort of thought that this question was more about mythical creatures and less about, like,

cryptids are more like a Yeti writer. I have to admit, I've never heard cryptid. A cryptid is like a zoological. Marvel that people always say is really like a giant squid or Crackin or a Centaur or something? I think a centaur is more like a mythological creature from myths and legends and stories but

a cryptid is more like the Sasquatch, the Loch Ness monster. Oh, okay. Yeah, that have never been proven. Big foot or something. Yes, yeah, totally. Okay. Oh, I guess that is the Sasquatch. Is that the same thing as Sasquatch? I think so, right?

Yeah, a Yeti. So it's either an urban myth or a cryptid that you wish were true. I mean, I want them all to be true. I want to live in that kind of world. I need to Google some urban myths because none of them are coming to light for me. I mean, I was really excited because I was going down the road of like, yeah, what mythical creature. I was thinking about how.

So you're not as excited? I'm. Not really. That is into it. I need to switch gears in my brain. I am still thrilled. This is, you know, a pretty basic, obvious, probably biggest one, but would be Bigfoot. I mean, how fun would it be?

Or Loch Ness Monster? I mean, can you imagine if it was like, no, it's real. Yeah, there's a job. Well, Locknest Monster is probably the most likely to be real because we don't know what is Why? Well, because there are a species deep in the ocean that we don't, you know, prehistoric aquatic dinosaurs. Aren't they in a lake or something?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. In a Scottish? Yeah. Yeah. It's like in a lagoon or something. And we do have the technology. Yeah, we could just go swimming and feel around.

Yeah. You don't even need technology. We could just swim. We could put a bunch of people in the, I think, is it a lagoon? It's a lake. Yeah. Because lock is a lake.

What makes something a lake and what makes something a lagoon? A lagoon is at Disney World. Yeah. Thanks, fortune. I really don't know. Doesn't, isn't a lagoon? Thomas, can you let us know? Thomas, can you help us?

Let's hear what May thinks a lagoon is. Okay, yeah, let's see. Because I would confidently say that a lagoon is. An inlet from off of the ocean that's like maybe with a river feeds into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. I believe it is a bean. A lagoon.

Very good. Fortune, I need you to mute yourself and walk away. It's often flicked. And walk this off. Okay. Okay, Thomas says a lagoon that's flicked. A shallow sound channel or pond near or communicating with a larger body of water. Oh, I love it when bodies of water communicate.

Me too. It's so hot. Because isn't it like a runoff from the ocean? Isn't that a bayou? Oh, God. Now we've got to Google Bayou. This is a disaster. Which is also a Disney World.

You know what I would. What I hope is not real that I really don't want is a werewolf. And I would hate to be a werewolf more than anything. Well, now we have to tell you what a bayou is. Okay. A creek, a secondary water course, or a minor river that is tributary to another body of water. Now we got to Google secondary water course. Tributary.

Yeah, tributary. And I wouldn't mind Googling secondary water course. watercourse as well. Can I tell you to go back to Bigfoot, I just remember as a kid being in the woods and always, always looking for Bigfoot or looking for prints on the ground and hoping that he was going to run by. Bigfoot wasn't really alive for you? Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh, Quicksand, Bigfoot, all of that stuff. When I was in the wood, you know, Huckleberry Tigg was out in the woods. I was, I was always on the lookout, and I told you had my little clipboard and took notes and followed little bird tracks into the woods and would follow the river, creek, or sewage ditch as far as it would go.

The clipboard is really a good part of the image. Oh, my gosh. I read a news story recently about a guy who was, there was an owl in the next yard. And so this guy was making owl sounds and forming a friendship with this owl back and forth. And then it turned out it was just his neighbor also making owl sounds. They were both just, they both thought they were having this, like, beautiful connection. With nature. Well, yeah, I'm going to stick with, I'll say Bigfoot because I feel like it's so specifically tied to my childhood.

And I've searched for Bigfoot so many. times to know what you hell. I mean, maybe if urban, maybe Atlantis would be cool to discover. Oh, yeah. Something that doesn't fit with the paradigm of history, like something that was way too advanced for when it was. Something like that would be cool. Like a city under the ocean, you mean?

Yeah, well, Atlantis was not originally under the ocean, apparently, but is now under the ocean. But yeah, it would be very cool to find an underwater city would be. the sea. Darling is better. Downward it's wetter. Take it from me. I would love to see a singing crab.

Can anyone make that happen? I would love for Sebastian to be real. Is that Disney? Yes. Girl. There's like a Japanese thing called a Kitsune that's like a fox spirit. That's just very sexy.

Like they're shapeshifters, they're tricksters, they're playful. They're always falling in love with humans. Is this a cryptic? No, this is a mythic creature. So sorry. They all seem the same to me. We started out very excited about this question. This is going very sideways and you should have an answer on the tip of your tongue, May.

Well, May said Atlantis. Atlantis. I wasn't listening. And now it's going into a mythical creature, not a crypted. Okay, fortune, what do you have? Okay, I had to Google urban myths. Because I just, you know, I lose sight of how many are out there. Because I hear like these urban myths and you just go, whatever, that's not real.

Or a lot of them I don't think about it, you know. I present them as facts. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll give you one that was intriguing. that I heard about at a comedy club I was doing a show in Huntsville, Alabama.

Congrats. They said there was a town nearby that had a long road that had like a dip in it where it like dips down and then there's a hill up. And I guess I don't, I could be butchidding this story, but there was an accident there at some point.

So they swear that if you park your car in the dip, that something will carry your car up, start carrying it up the hill. Like your car will start moving on its own up the hill. I don't know. But that would be kind of cool if that was real.

Or guess who has a car and is going to try this out? So that would be kind of cool. And it's only in Huntsville, Alabama. Or some neighboring town. I don't think it's in Huntsville, but everyone knew about it. And I think it would be cool to try to test that out. Yeah.

And then I looked up. No, I want more. No. No, I'm giving you more. I got one too. On this list of urban myths from the test of time, there are two that are very intriguing to me. One is the alligators in the sewer system. Do you know about these?

Byte your bottom. They come up and bite you? They used to just believe that there was all these alligators, and especially like in the sewer systems of like New York. I don't know why this is like fascinating to people, but. And that was a long time ago, right? The alligators. Yeah, apparently that a long time ago,

they just believed there were alligators in the sewer systems. So you want, you want that to be true? Yeah, why not? Yeah. Let's spice things up down there. Yeah. Very like Gotham City. You know, it suggests that these alligators originated from pet owners who,

you know, after purchasing an alligator, I like a little it's too hard to keep an alligator so they just dumped them off somewhere so now there's all these all these alligators in the sewers. But one that's more, that feels more like cool

is the curse of the pharaohs. Do you know about that? No. No. What are you reading on Google? I am. The curse of the pharaohs has captivated the world

for over a century. Are these your own words? No. Of course not. Is this about like anyone who excavates the tombs is cursed? Yes. Yes. Well, that's, that is true.

That's 100% percent. The legend warns that if anyone who dares disturb the tomb of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh will suffer dire consequences. Those are your own words. Yeah. That sounds like fortunate. Often in the form of violent premature deaths, incurable illnesses are unexplained misfortunes.

The curse is said to be a supernatural force placed upon the burial sites of the mighty rulers of Egypt to protect them from grave robbers and those who would dare violate their sacred resting place. That's really, I think that should be true because don't mess with it. Pretty demonstrably true, isn't it? Like, we should be able to prove that. Well, there's stuff. There's stuff behind it saying that the legend gained worldwide fame because following the discovery of King Tut's tomb in 1922 by this archaeologist, Howard Carter.

And this is all from memory. I'm not reading this. No, no, it sounds like your own words. And I'm assuming after you finish telling us that you'll also tell us what tributary is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your own words. They said that shortly after opening the tomb, several members of the expedition,

including the wealthy guy who funded the excavation, they died under mysterious circumstances. Can we be finished with this? No, the wealthy guy passed away months after due to blood poisoning caused by an infected mosquito bite. All right. Well, should we hear what Pat? It seems like a Pharaoh thing. Another one. Oh, Jesus.

Fortune, this is enough. You didn't know what they were. And now I just. Stuff from my own memory of history. The mosquito bite feels like that is put that was real. He got bit by mosquito. Wait, this is your memory of history? Oh, I have a vast memory of ancient Egypt.

Although I did take an ancient Egypt class in college. Of course. but I did not learn about this anyway. I think that's kind of cool. And I think it should be real because don't mess with these pharaohs. That's right. Yeah, I think so.

I always thought like when that disaster happened when they were going to go explore the Titanic, remember? Yeah. I was like, well, they're messing with basically a grave site. Like, I know. There's something, I don't know. But I want it to be true that. I cannot imagine getting into a submarine,

but any of cool. Right? How are you thinking? I got on into one that was on land. And I was like, I got to get out of here. Yeah. Even if someone said, it's just, it's for a photo shoot. It'll be fun.

We'll just go down a few feet. No, thank you. I want to get in a submarine as, like a little baby submarine as much as I want to get in a space shuttle. Yeah. I don't want to do either of them. Oh, I got what you meant. I totally followed that, man. I don't need to go to the bottom of the ocean and I don't need to go to the galaxy.

Top of the world. hostile environments not meant for us. Yeah, I'm good. No. Just Jeff Bezos. The Urban Legend. And he listens. You know he listens to this show.

Do not beam me up, Scotty. Yeah. That's my old show. I know that's your stomping grounds, but I'm just saying, I don't need to go to either place. Nobody's inviting you. Good. Okay. Fine then.

Should we hear what Patton has to say? We should. But wait. Wait, wait, what is it? I just really quick, I want to say, I'm done to see, darling, it's better, dumber, it's what to take it from me. Sorry.

I want to say, there's a documentary about a guy who went around to all these mystical people at saying, put a curse on me. I want to see if it's real. Curse me. So I want to watch that documentary and not sure what happened. And then also, I'm sorry for adding that when it went nowhere, but also.

No, no, it was very helpful for the episode. Yeah, thank you. Also, the urban myth that I want to be true is that Stanley Kubrick filmed the moon landings. He was part of that of a conspiracy and that he confessed to that in The Shining. And there are clues all through it of him confessing. And there's a whole documentary very compelling. Is this why people think you spread conspiracy theories? This is what people think I'm a gullible, immature, flaky little.

Cowboy. You know, before we go to Patton, when you were little, do you remember that thing where you look into the mirror and you count or something and then you die? You say bloody Mary. Was that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they kill you.

You say bloody Mary in the mirror. Or Candyman, Candyman as well. Yeah, did you guys all try that? Yeah, and I lived. No. You lived testing fate. I had a babysitter that would come over. and uh

scare the shit yeah oh my god um but anyway yeah yeah but you know

I turned out fine wild it was a 70s um yeah they were they were wilder that's true

you were out in out in the woods terrified of Sasquatches and well I was searching I was searching what would you do

if you found it I probably hide behind a tree and people and just observe. Take some notes on my clipboard. Who's the nerd now, Pat? Yeah.

All right, let's see what Patna says say. I don't know why, but I would really, really love it if the Loch Ness monster was real. I think that would be really cool. If there was just this giant dinosaur that managed to find a way to live in a lake in Scotland, there's something very beautiful about that. So my choice is the Loch Ness Monster. All right. keep your heads about you

oh I thought he was going to say keep it handsome oh me too yeah yeah he said keep your heads about you because of the headless horseman duh don't know if you guys know

what a callback is duh duh duh oh you guys doesn't you want to know more about the ancient Egyptian pharaoh

honestly yes I would do I could do another hour. Wait, I just saw Thomas yield mermaids. What was from? Is that from the under the sea? Yeah. Just because that could, I would like it if mermaids were real. Oh, you were like, I really want to weigh in on this too. Yeah. We find that Thomas has a mermaid

fat. Yeah, I was going to say, would you guys date a mermaid? I know you would. Yeah, I would. Yeah. I would. I would. I'm not much of a water gal as far as being in in the ocean, so it's not for me. Oh. What if she would swim in your tits out tub? Tits out tub. It might be nice to have a mermaid in the tits out tub. That would be nice.

Now we're talking. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll reconsider. But she'd have to be kind of a, the mermaid would have to be kind of a top because. Okay, you could get a merman.

Yeah, a merman would be good. What do you mean by? Oh, because I don't want to. The whole. go down below the waist really but if the mermaid was doing all the stuff then great anyway let's wrap up okay that was a very fun episode patten's question really took us on a ride really a roller coaster you know what i want to say to our listeners if you are a handsome listener that is a public figure and you have a question for us send it in we might choose you come on

Send it on in We just start getting random videos One from Kid Rock They're like I'm a newscaster in Omaha I would like that I think that would be cool Random videos

A newscaster in Omaha I'm a random newscaster And look I love a newscaster In Omaha I do like Omaha a lot But that's not why we're here I wanted to tell everyone to please subscribe and rate and review our podcast wherever you listen. Same on YouTube and we are available a day early on Hulu

and go to handsomepod.com for all of our wonderful, wonderful merchandise. Yes. Are you guys touring coming up? Oh, yeah. I'm at Largo. I have one tour date at Largo on the 29th tomorrow night at Largo in L.A. with lots of fun guests. What about you guys? I'm picking up my tour

August 6th in West Hampton Beach, New York. And then I'm going to Foxwood Casino in Connecticut. Then Red Bank, New Jersey, Halifax, Canada, Provincetown, Massachusetts, Greenville, South Carolina, Wilmington, Boise, Portland, Oregon,

Austin, Chattanooga, Dayton, Louisville, Madison, Durham, Oakland, Bakersville, Los Angeles, Denver, Palm Springs, Nashville. And then And then my tour is done. That's, then it's over. Oh, that is so exciting and sad.

But you can catch me. I'm locally in Los Angeles. And I'm also in Rochester, New York, Calgary, Iowa City, Des Moines. Omaha, where the newscaster lives. Oklahoma City, Cincinnati, Charleston, West Virginia, Chattanooga, Knoxville. Olympia, Washington, Fresno, Napa. The list goes on and on. go to tignotaro.com.

Oh, and go to who are you to check out Fortune's guns, man? Are you still working out? I'm sure not. I've been real bad about it. And until next time, Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett.

Email us at handsomepod. At gmail.com. follow us on social media at HandsomePod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I bought some espresso beans when I went to the grocery store.

Rats. I've been enjoying making coffee at home, but when you don't have the beans, it makes it a little difficult. Yes, I'm getting dressed and heading to the cafe. Yeah, checkin first is handsome. Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and. writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry?

Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.