Handsome - Paula Pell asks about bad dates

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

The hilarious Paula Pell (Girls5Eva, SNL) asks Handsome to share their dating horror stories! Plus Valentine's day shenanigans and a whole lot more... don't forget to get tickets to our May 4 Live Show in LA!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm your host May Martin, joined by your two other hosts. Who are? Fortune Feimster. Antignautaro. Yeah. Hi, you guys. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Y'all. Welcome to, I don't know. It's Valentine's week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I see how May is celebrating.

How? How. What do you mean, Hal? You have your window completely open for the world to see you. Come to my window. Yeah, look, there's Melissa Atheridge now. Come inside. You know what's embarrassing?

I had that piece of fabric hung up there. It was so good looking. It was so sketchy and you made fun of it, so I took it down embarrassed. But now I left up the little. patches of tape where it was hung up. Much better. Yeah. And you have your guitar case in the corner as if you're going to sing a little ditty to someone.

I wish, next time we're all together in the studio, I should bring in the guitar and we'll do some songs. Please. Why can't you do one now? Well, because I don't have a mic stand. I like to hold it in my hand. That's what she said. Ah! Who said that?

Who said that? Who said that? She did. She did, girl. Is she your Valentine's Day? I don't think you don't have a Valentine's Day, do you? Well, whoever she is. Oh, she.

Well, one thing is, last time I was at Largo, the tech guy there, does guitar setup for Alanis Morissette, and he said that she's in Sacramento on February 13th. And as you hear this, I'm scrambling, trying to get tickets. I'm texting people. I'm saying, please, what can I offer anything? Wait, why can't you buy it? ticket.

I was going to ask that too. Yeah. That's a really good. You're like, I just assumed you could just buy one. Yeah. Why wouldn't you buy a ticket? I assumed it was sold out. I think it sold out.

Oh, okay. Well, that's different. Why don't you look right now? Okay. Let me check. Let me see here. Hang on. Yeah.

Oh, man, that was a good concert. And not just because I sang as part of the concert. Yeah. Yeah. I just Googled Alanis. Sacramento. Okay. Atlantis Morris at February 13th.

Yep. Tickets available. Um, accepting. Oh, there are tickets available. Yeah. Okay.

No scrambling needed. Buy a ticket and support the woman. Oh my God. I'm doing it literally right now. Wow. Can I do it while we're. Yeah. Why not?

Walk us through it. Well, you might have to find, are you going to buy two tickets and ask the one? Yes, I am. Oh my God. I have a great idea. What is it, take? You should invite Alanis.

Okay. Isn't it an ironic? They're expensive. I'm going to do this. You're buying them right as we speak? Wow. Yeah, I'm literally doing it right now. I have to because there's very few left.

No, there's not, they're not left. So, but there's like ninth row. Uh-huh. Pretty good. And, you know, she can. Night throw is great. She can belt it out. Yeah.

Yeah, she can sing. Her concert was amazing. God, it was good, Fortune. Yeah. And this time you can go with somebody new. Oh, you're busy or? I will be doing shows. On stage.

I'm, I'm performing at the Beacon on Valentine's Night in New York City. That's a good room. How do I know if I'm getting, this is a scam website? Why is that where you want to be? Well, you want to, don't. Don't buy it on like a third party site. Buy it from her website.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what I should do. Go to Alanis Morissette.com is what I'm assuming it is. Of course, fortune knows stuff like that. Yeah. I would just Google like Alanus tickets, California.

I did. Hopefully people are Googling right now, New York City, beacon theater, Fortune on Valentine's Day. Okay, guys, I just typed in Alanis Morissette. It says the domain name Alanis Morissette.com is for sale. No.

No. We need to let her know. Buy it. No, we should buy it. We should buy it. Do you think she knows it's up for sale? No. This is not at all where I saw this episode going.

No, not at all, but I feel like we need to help Alana. How much does it cost? Oh, you know what? Okay, her website is alanus.com. That makes sense. Oh, she didn't. She's like, I don't need my last name. Everybody knows who I am.

God, if I. Right. But why would that still be for sale? She should also own Alanis. What are you seeing me? There's VIP tickets available and it says you got to get them. Share a special moment with Alanis who will lead. Yes.

Oh, it's the meditation. It's the meditation. Girl, get it. You're rich. They will lead this exclusive group in a meditation and answer selected question. What are you talking about? I have to do this, right? Wait, you're going to do that for you and a friend?

It's too expensive. How much? I know you got to buy yourself with a VIP and your friend has a way. for you outside. How much is the VIP? $1,200. That's a lot of money. And I have met her before.

My VIP's 165. And that comes with the ticket. Yeah. But are you leading a meditation fortune? I'm not. That's pretty special. I would pay $1,200. I would totally pay that for

fortunes meditation. I wouldn't pay it for my meditation, but I would pay it for Atlanta. This is more meditation. Because she's like a good at, she's like a guru with that. stuff. Yeah, she is very wise. Is she still vegan, Thomas? We should also tell her Atlantis Morissette.com is for sale. So why do we tell her? Why don't we buy it? And then

she has to buy it from us. You know, we're going to make some cash. You make you buy the website and then I'll trade you. Yeah. Yeah. Or I'll trade you. I want to sing. But still not for your friend. Your friend still has to wait outside. I got the idea. We buy the I may puts a bunch of different videos of singing Alanis songs. Oh, yeah, yeah. So she will finally see that an old man turn 98. He won the lottery. Die the next day.

I think this is the part I was singing. Yep, it is. And now you know the lyrics. You had to Google them that night. Let's not get into it. I was nervous. I mean, I'm going to have to do this after the podcast. It's like sign into your Tiki Master account.

You need to think about it too. Do it now. Thomas Adelanis refers herself as about 80% vegan. Wow. My eyesight is so bad. I saw that she's been a vegan since the 80s. My brain just went. 80% vegan.

So that's pretty good. She's doing the best she can. She's helping. I have no judgment. I was just curious if she was still good. Don't judge my girl. I wonder if that means... I love your girl.

I know you do. Not as much as I love Carrie. Go ahead. I wonder if she'll be in... Oh, Carrie Russell. Yeah. Do I really have to... I mean, she's Carrie.com.

Yeah. Okay. I wonder if that means that Alanis will be in L.A. before that. Does she not live here anymore? We... This is a great idea.

We should spend the episode speculating. Sorry. Just speculating. where she might be before and after. And then we end the episode with Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Oh, man. But you guys... What is wrong with us?

I mean, Fortune, you are basically friends with her at this point. You have some sway. Like, one day will you... But I don't have her number. Okay, if we were dating, you and I have fortune. Oh, you and I are dating in this scenario. And it was Valentine's Day. Yes.

And you're friends of the land is... I'll get you flowers. Thank you. Would you motorboat, Fortune? Of course. It's Valentine's saying. I have to push them together. Go to you too.

But Fortune, would you? This a wreck. Fortune, put this down. You're going to break your back. Look, that's how far down they go that I can go. Oh, my God. What, what, mate? Sorry.

Would you, if we were dating and you wanted to make me special, would you reach out to Lannis and say, hey, May really wants to sing with you? Or could you? Probably, I would find a way. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you would. See, that's why you're such a catch. Love finds away.

I'm a catch. Love finds away. Love finds away. Fortune, it looks like you have a Star Trek. I know it does. I thought about that too. It's just a little polo guy. Yeah.

But when I put it on, it looks like your uniform. Well, not mine. Mine's kind of yellow gold. Yeah. What? It was, wait, you, you froze for me also in the, that is my job. And don't, do not make any fun of what I do. Oh, no. Oh, my lord, Fortune Marie. You need to go lie down. No, no, Fortune, no. Fortune, no. Uh-uh. Happy balance. I was on to say, everybody.

Uh-uh. No, no. I got to say we are, I think it's not a catch. It's been announced. I'm welcome at 4 a.m. today. What's that? Go back to sleep. How dare you?

You're acting like a beast. May, what were you going to say? I'm sorry to you interrupted you. Oh, I don't know. No, please. Please. Come back. May come back.

I like it when you guys bag me like that. Yeah. I'll go like this. May, please. May. May. Turn back. Turn back.

Turn back. Girl, come on. Come on. Don't tease us. There you are. There's that pretty handsome face. It's been announced that we're doing the Netflix as a joke festival with the cast of the hunting wives. Yeah, with Malin Ackerman and Brittany Snow.

And I don't know this. Should I not? No. Stephanie watches that show. But I was just watching Fortune, watching you do your, you know, go down on your hand.

And, and I was thinking, this is dangerous. Wait, how do we not have this information? Why don't I know this? I'm sure they told you. You probably didn't pay attention. That is so rude of you.

You know, I don't miss anything. Not even my part in an animated film. Well, I think that this is going to be, it'll be like a special thing. Maybe we'll maybe, we'll air. We could probably air it if we wanted to. Not like a live stream, but as a pod. But I think we're actually going to have them sit down and chat with him a little bit.

Chatting with friends on the handsome pod. We'll also have them asking a question, but we're going to also chat with him because they did have a lot of lady sex on this hunting wife show. This is what I'm worried about fortune. You've got to rein it in. I am worried about your decorum with these professional actors. They should stay home. You need to stay home. No, this is when you ask these questions is what the people want. It's like the actor's studio, but with lesbians. I'm going to have some really hard-hitting journalistic questions, and then I'll let you ask.

Well, Malin's Swedish, so people that listen in Sweden will really want to tune in. I can't wait to invite Stephanie. She loves that show. Do you think she has any lesbian questions for them? They're not lesbians in life. but they did a really good job going down on each other. This is what I'm worried about, like that we're going to be like,

to ask them about their sexuality. Should we ask them for tips? I'm good. Maybe our audience, maybe our listeners can help us think of fun questions for them as well. Yeah, I'm good. Fun or disgusting? I need to binge the rest of the show.

And then the camera. I just put into your camera. It's literally on the camera. Hold on. People pay good money for this show. They don't. It's literally free. That's why they have to listen to ads that they love.

That they can fast forward through. But don't. Don't. Don't do that. Stop fast forwarding. You get good deals. We got some good deals on things. I just watched Brittany in that really scary one.

Oh, wait. Which one? with the psycho killer and Claire Daines. Oh, yeah, that was a good one. That was really good. The beast or something. Yeah. The beast inside of you.

Yeah. We're talking about beasts. Oh, at the Netflix going to Globes party, Claire Dane was there and she was dancing up a storm. Is it one Dane or two? Claire Dane. Did I say Dane? Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm at Dane's. Oh, I was like, okay, I feel like her last name is. Daines. I think I said Daines. No, no, no. She was dancing like crate, like booty dancing, like all up in it, like super into the music. And did you get in on that? No, but I was in the circle that she was dancing in.

Or Sheena Jones was also dancing. We were all just like dancing. And did you say, hey, could you do a handsome question? No, I should have. We really. Let's do it right now. Let's just get you on camera asking us. I have a thing on Sunday with somebody that I'm really hoping I can get a question from.

It is kind of a big one. That would be awesome. It's not kind of. It is a big one. Is it? Is it? Obama? No.

It's like basically that level. Whoa. What? Oprah? Is it Oprah? No. It's that level. Okay.

Oh, my. gosh. Who else is that level of Oprah? Because Jennifer Anderson, Oprah, Obama, McCartney. Alf. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's exciting. That's a tease. Well, we'll see. We'll see you guys. Are you, is anyone excited for Valentine's Day? Good transition. Checking Allstate First could save you. hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you make some time to binge that new

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When taken daily, Euro delivers noticeable benefits within eight weeks and many may see results sooner. Take proactive care of your health and head to ohositive.com slash handsome or enter handsome at checkout for 25% off your first. purchase. That's opositive.com slash handsome for 25% off. I used to hate Valentine's Day. I'm not really that like into it now, obviously, but. What do you mean obviously? Yeah, why obviously, yeah. It's not obvious to me. It's not obvious to me. I don't know. It's just another, it's just another one of those Hallmark holidays. Oh, yeah, but who cares? Why not take the moment to celebrate? That's true. No, I'm happy. No, it's not. No, it's. sounds like you're being negative.

No, I love love. No. No, I love love. All right. I love you too. But growing up I had, I probably had a chip on my shoulder about it because I never had a Valentine. Mm-hmm.

And, um, and so, you know, when you weren't with somebody, that, a day like that felt poopy. Yeah. Watch your mouth. I didn't have valentines either. Ever? You seem like, you would have been like a little, have a bunch of girlfriends in like high school or junior high. No. Oh. I didn't know what was up with me yet. My face and my outfits

knew, but I didn't. Yeah. I feel like if you don't have a Valentine and you should just find any kind of like a dog or a kid. Wait, what? Wait, why a dog? What are we talking about? Shower the dog with love. Oh my God. Yeah, I need to explain this better. Yes, please. Oh, my God. We're all ears, It was a weirdo. Oh, my God. Weirdo. I was just, okay, this was my dog. Let's call the police.

Dog or a kid. If you don't have a date, find a dog. No, my thought process was that when I was in school, like my dad would make us feel really special on Valentine's Day and it would be like fun games and balloons and stuff. So like if you're feeling sad and lonely, just make it special for a dog or a kid. And it'll bring you joy. I bet your dog's going to be pumped about Valentine's Day. I didn't have anyone, but no, I have a Valentine.

Oh, my gosh, my cats are going to sleep right through it. Yeah, they don't even know. Exhausted sausages. You got to wake them on. The only flowers I was ever sent in high school was from my brother. He sent me Valentine's. What was going on there? Wait a second.

Hey. What is? Nobody has a normal Valentine's. He was being nice. He sent flowers to me and flowers to my mom. That's nice. And was he already... They're yellow.

It's friendship flowers. Was he already at college and stuff? No. I think I was in ninth grade and maybe he was a senior. Is yellow friendship flowers? Uh-huh. Huh. Yellow is for friendship.

What are white? Love, I believe. Triple X. What is white? Peace and love? Motorboaten. Red's romantic. Wine is most.

motorboat and white flowers means motorboat. My brother, he was probably like, oh, she's not going to have a valenton. Let me send my sister some flowers. My brother always sends me flowers. Not always. Everyone relax. I didn't have a Valentine in college either. I was a real loner.

I didn't go to college. There you go. Yeah, I didn't have one either. Yeah, I don't think I'm dated, Fortune. I don't know. Why didn't we? I don't know you yet. I haven't know you yet.

I bet male. I had male suitors, didn't you? Yeah. When? In my teens? Anytime. Yeah, I had male suitors, I guess. And then 16 plus I had girlfriends and boyfriend.

Oh, yeah. Casta Wadna. Do you think if you guys had met in high school or college? And you know when you don't know any other queer people and you're in a small town, you just think, I guess we'll date. Like, you guys might have dated. Dig. I can confirm.

that we didn't date but I think we would have been friends we would have been friends for sure being like, check that chick out and I'd be like, what? Are you gay? No, no. No, I just...

She's my best friend! Yeah. Taking our long time ago, we were both in the feminine women. No, I know, but you know when you don't really know with that yet and you're and you just meet a queer person and you think well I guess I'm just in love with this person because you're like recognizing things about yourself wait how about those

mysterious people from your childhood from junior high from high school that you're like I know like looking back there's something up with them yeah they're married to a man oh yeah I know I know several of those. I know where you're like, where I'm like, that person's one hundo gay. Yeah, like, wow, you're still sticking with it.

There is this one woman who I met like when we were like 20 or something. And I was like, okay, where is your girlfriend? And to this day, still never has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Wow. Straight as an arrow.

She's missing out. Well, claiming to be straight as an arrow. It's so fascinating. There's like, yeah, a long list of people through life where you're like, wait. She needs to travel. Just try the lady train. You know what I mean? I know you, man.

Get a ticket, take a ride. It can be one way. It can be round trip. Yeah. Yeah. You can hop on, hop off. Yeah. Like May does.

That's right. It's right. hops off. It does whatever they want. Yeah. I mean, with everything. No. If I would, my life would look so different if I did whatever I want.

Oh, yeah. Like you might have a curtain. Yeah, I would have a curtain. I'd have like exotic pets, you know, but I know you're not allowed. What kind of exotic pet? Coal. Well, you'd probably start dating it because Valentine's Day. It's just a good dog.

grab a dog or a um a koala yeah i'd have a koala yeah snuggle on my lap right now can you imagine i go look guys you don't need to see your we don't need to see your lap whoa look at my my legs you too may is showing their crotch i'm a need some eucalyptus if you had a koala you know that oh oh my god finally an organic mayfact a mayfax finally it's been forever oh okay uh koalas are actually I love that that's on your desk take forever. I said forever.

I'm assuming. I don't know. That's always going to be there. How dare you? Koalas are allergic to eucalyptus and yet they eat it all the time and that's why they're so sleepy all the time because they're actually, they can't digest it very well. Oh, they're dumb.

They also all have chlamydia and they also. Wait. I didn't know that. Yeah. And their fingerprints. are indistinguishable from human fingerprints. Whoa, that's weird. And also their favorite artist is Jennifer Lopez.

Every single koala. Loves Jennifer Lopez. Loves J-Lo. And razor blades. Mm-hmm. Well, sounds like a very exciting. I know it's, we talked about it last week, but it's TIG's anniversary on Valentine's Day.

Party kisser on the list over here. Are you going to do anything romantic? Well, party kisser got pinned down, you know. Yeah. But am I doing anything? No, I feel like there's something that's going on on Valentine's Day where I can't be with my special. Oh, no. You're not together? We're rarely together. Oh, no, I am home on Valentine's Day. And then... You've got to plan something special. The Independent Spirit Awards are the day after, and we were nominated for Best Documentary. So I'll be at that. So I will be home. But I think I'm going to be home on the 14th, and then the 15th is the award. So I don't know what the 14th holds.

Yeah, we'll make each other some overnight oats. Mm-hmm. Yes. I'll meet you in the kitchen for some overnight oats, my love. Instead of flower petals, you leave a trail of overnight oats. Granola. Blueberries. Yeah.

That's romantic. Maybe you'll wear your nightgown for her. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. Or maybe I won't wear my nightgown for her. Ew. Girl. Now we're talking.

Finally. Yeah. Sexy. And I feel like May still has a few days and they could end up with a date for the weekend going to this concert. I'm going to go to the concert. regardless and then yeah or maybe I'll meet someone at the concert that's right yeah yeah I'm gonna I'll set up a Valentine's Day I was proposed to on Valentine's Day it kind of ruined all future

Valentine's days for me well no you need to reframe I need to reframe rewrite your Valentine's don't cry because it's over smile because it happened that's right we'll be right back after this commercial break Should we get to our question? I feel that way about you saying that quote. I feel like don't cry because it happened. Don't cry. What is it?

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. You're smiling about me saying that? About saying that. Oh, that's nice. Look at my smile. That's beautiful. Thank you. Let's get to our question asker.

Today's question asker is an Emmy winning writer, producer, an actor who wrote for SNL from 1995 to 2013. She played Gloria in Girls 5 Eva and stars in the new comedy The Burbs on Peacock. Paula Pell is asking today's question. Woo-hoo. Paula's very funny. Paula's actually who wrote the movie I'm filming right now. Paula wrote it with her wife, Janine Brito.

And they're very, very funny. Amazing. And Paul is a very amazing actress as well. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear it. Hi, hilarious hunks of handsome. It's Paula Pal. Thank you for having me. I love this podcast so much. Here's my question. I'm posing to you. What is your absolute worst date you've ever been on? Just like a full diaper from beginning to end.

A full diaper. Oh, my God. A full diaper. That's funny. I'm not heard that phrase. Just a full diaper from beginning to end. I'm trying to think what to share. I feel like I don't go out on a lot of dates. I feel like I meet people and then we figure out we like each other. And then we're dating. And then we're dating. Right.

But even if you just like go out for dinner with someone, you're dating, that counts as a date. I mean, my most awkward dates were definitely like early on. This was the time of Craigslist being a hot spot. Do you remember these days? Did you end up in married threesomes? No, I've never been in a threesome. This is not a threesome gal over here.

Craigslist was like, this would have been, because I came out in 2005, you know, I was like a late bloomer. And Craigslist was very popular at the time for, like, finding, like, sports teams or dating or whatever. Like, it was a very, the community was active on, there and then, you know, eventually someone ruined it by murdering someone. It happens every time. But for a couple of years, you could, like, if you wanted to do anything social, or if you wanted to get murdered. Well, you didn't want that, but sometimes, you know,

just happens. And so I had joined some, I had come out and I was joined some sports team, was trying to meet, I was trying to meet gay people just for friends. And then I was trying to, like, get the courage to go on dates, but I had no game. I did not know how to talk to women. I was so awkward. And I went on Craigslist and started emailing with some people. But this was also no pictures. It was all just like women seeking women and you just put traits about yourself.

Oh, my God. And so I went on a couple dates via this and they were all terrible. Oh, my. I think I went on three dates, did three different women. Total blind date. Total blind dates. That's brave.

Barely knew anything. And I had, we had zilch in common all three of us. Yeah. And these were three very different women. I mean, the first one, I was,

we met for coffee and I was so nervous. I like, she had already gotten her, she was kind of nerdy, and she had gotten a tea. and I sat down and spilled her tea everywhere on the table. And you already know out of the gate, I don't want anything to do with this person.

I mean, she's thinking the same about me, though. Like, there's no chemistry. But I couldn't stop saying the word gay date. I was like, I've never been on a gay date. Do you go on gay dates? This is a very interesting gay date. And I was like, what am I doing? Wait, and you weren't being funny.

No, I was not being funny. I was being so awkward because I was, I had never been out of it. This is my first date with a woman ever in my entire life. Did you have your Star Trek shirt on? I did not. But you know, that was what sucked about coming out late is that these are the awkward things I should have been doing at 16, you know? Yeah. And I was having to do them at like, I don't know, this was like 25, 26.

And I was the dork. I was like, this gay day. date. Well, she's like, pretty crazy. You wanted a day date. That's so funny. Oh my God. Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. We used Squarespace to design a website to promote our

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In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. May, after I'm done with all this filming I'm doing, I really want to just take a weekend off and relax. I love booking stays on Airbnb because you get all the amenities of a home and I definitely want to place with a private outdoor. or a hot tub so I can take a long soak and look up at the stars. Here's my question, though. Where should I go? I mean, if you're willing to go a bit further, I do love mixing in a hot tub with the cold, so Colorado maybe, or even the desert. I got a house out there on Airbnb with some friends. It was so good. Everyone had their own room. We cooked up like family-style meals in the kitchen. If you wanted somewhere closer to home, would you do Palm Springs?

Oh, for sure. Another reason I love Airbnb is that booking with them feel so much more special than hotels. I've stayed at hotels where I've gotten on an elevator, had to find the right floor, and then search for the pool and the hot tub, and then you find out they're closed. I just love the privacy. Okay, well, this inspired me to book something soon,

so I appreciate it, buddy. And if you're listening out there and thinking about your next trip, I highly recommend you check out Airbnb and do some traveling yourself. The new year is here. Get back into a handsome, at-home routine you love, and elevate your space with Wayfair.

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And then I met another one at a bar, like a lesbian bar, and she seemed really into me. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was so scared of women. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was not ready. You were like, whoa, she wants to motorboat me. Yeah, but I was not ready for that.

that. There was, we didn't really have chemistry either. And then the other one, I think we met it at Chili's. Why are you laughing? You'd still do that now. Yeah,

I would do it now. Why are you laughing? Oh my God. We just split triple dippers. That sounds good. So the day wasn't, you know, we weren't compatible,

but man was the triple dipper. Fantastic. But I just was such a bumbling, idiot for a couple years until I finally just got you know like you just have to practice it takes just like doing it but those were the most awkward

and and when you when you're meeting like that it's so not organic you know you're putting two like totally mismatched people together and just like being like okay here you go it's different I think when you like you know go online you're talking

I don't even know if we talked on the phone really like we just like went out which was such a mistake and then I did another um a couple years later when I was more comfortable I already kiss her I know a couple years later I went on match did you kiss any of these people no no no no you just like peeled out and like drove home going what the hell like what was your conversation to yourself oh I couldn't get out of there fast enough yeah oh my god and then I went on I was never really much into the apps or whatever I just I just preferred to try to meet people in person. And this one, I finally went on the app because I was having a hard time meeting people.

And I emailed only two women. And I met them both in real life and then found out within a couple weeks of hanging out just as friends that they were dating each other. No. Because they were currently dating each other? They were currently dating each other. They had met on the website. Oh, no. What was the website?

I mean, like match.com, I think. And they, but they both continued to stay on. They were triple dippers. The website. And then I was like, and so they were like, we just want to be, they would each, were telling me they wanted to be friends. And I was like, why are you on a dating site? Yeah.

It was so weird to me. why like they broke up of course a couple months later they listen to this podcast now by the way and they regret well one of them I did ask out

after they'd broken up I mean they dated like three months it was like nothing and I think I asked a couple months after that if she wanted to go out and she was like no I can't leave you asked me out and I was like oh

oh my God that tone I know she seemed very yeah like very offended and then like hit on a friend of mine. I was like, okay. I had a couple years of just bad luck. Just drama early 20s fumbling through. I would like girls that didn't like me back and or they were like confused about their sexuality. I just, it took me a while to really get in get it right like as far as like starting to have good dates.

Yeah. Or were they maybe like turned off by gay date coming up all the time? I didn't do that again. That was the first. I just did it on the first one. But yeah, I just think that's what's tough about coming out later is because you want to, like I said, be doing this awkward stuff in your teens. Like that's when you want to be going through stuff, not when you're like 25, you know, late 20s. Well, yeah, I feel like.

Yeah. And I feel like, honestly, it kind of, there's like, something. sometimes arrested development vibe in the community. Yeah. Because people have not experienced. Yeah. Yeah. At least now with the apps,

you can get so specific about what you're into. You could put. Well, now I'm a grown-ass woman. Oh, okay. Geez. Okay. Now I'm Rico Suave, right? Yeah, you are, yeah.

Absolutely. I've come a long way. That was 20 years ago. So I was a baby gay, as they call them. I'm thinking of the date that sprung to my mind is it was my birthday. And I was living in England and I was living with my girlfriend who was closeted. And so I had like a little cupboard under the stairs that we would pretend was my bedroom like Harry Potter. That is adorable.

It was like it was literally a tiny. It was a quarter of the size of this office I'm in now. and it just had a single bed and it was just so if people came over we could be like, oh no, May sleeps in there. Like, wow. You sleep in like a little match book.

Like a Barbie dream house. Yeah. And so it was my birthday. And I'd started to be like, okay, you gotta start telling people now and the pressure was on and it was a sore spot. Anyway, she brought me in the rain

to way out to like Richmond, way outside of London. like really the outskirts to walk around a garden. And I slowly realized that it was just because we wouldn't bump into anyone we knew there. And then also she got tired. And so she made me tell them that she needed a wheelchair. And so I pushed her around this garden and the rain in a wheelchair. And I was like, this is the hottest thing I've ever heard.

I was like, this sucks. And then sounds awful. Oh, it was awful. And. Wait, where did the wheelchair come from? And why could she not walk? Y'all were young. We were young. She was just tired. She was like, I need to pull that some time with Stephanie. And then we went back to our apartment. And then she was like, oh, my friend's coming over. So can you like not be weird? And then I was like, okay, well, I wanted to take a bath. And she was like, well, that'll be weird. If you take a bath. You love a bath. Yeah. I love a bath. Anyway, it was just. I love you too. And then the other bad date I could think of. Wait, can I ask a follow up?

I want to hear this one. But did y'all last much longer? We were together three and a half years. Wow. And only a handful of people. And she was in the closet the whole time? Pretty much. Yeah.

I mean, everyone knew our friends, but they were British people in their 20s, too awkward to say anything. I was like, this is, yeah, I mean, I should have got up. And I'll be honest. I don't know how I missed how the wheel She just got tired. They just had spare wheelchairs for, you know, the elderly and stuff at Q Gardens. You could rent them. And she said, can you go and tell them that I'm, I need one and that,

you know, I have a leg problem or something. And then I, I went and got one and I was, I just remember pushing her around being so tired and it dawning on me that we were out in the middle of nowhere. So we wouldn't bump into it. Yeah. You know, that's interesting. Even though this isn't what you were saying, I just had this memory that my first girlfriend, she would want to hold my hand, and I was so uncomfortable that I would, I'd limp when she held my hand. Really? I would act like I needed her to help me. Oh, like, that's why she was holding your hand?

Yeah. Dig! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, her little internal homophobia back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So glad to be far from that. I know. I know. I was very, very uncomfortable. And then what was your other one made that you were going to talk about? The other one, it actually ended up being a fun weekend, but it was with an ex of mine. We went up to Big Bear. And I was like crazy about her.

And we're in the car. We got up to Big Bear and it was like day one. And she said something like, we should probably talk about where this is going. And I was like, yeah, great. I wanted to go everywhere to the moon and the star. Yeah. And she was like, oh, well, I'm not really sure what I want. And then I was like, fuck, we have this whole weekend now. And I'm like visibly shaken by that. But I'm like, no, I'm going to be cool. And I'd rented this Airbnb and it was the middle of winter and snowing. And we got in the

hot tub that night. And it was nighttime. And we locked ourselves out. And it was snow. And we're in the hot tub. But the Airbnb was 45 minutes from anywhere. And, And we're in our bathing suits. Oh, we had our phones. So we called the company that ran the, and they said, well, we can have someone to you in about 90 minutes or something. But the roads were so icy. People were like, and so we're just freezing, but also the chlorine and the bleach and the hot tub that we were in there for hours. And when I got out, my black bathing suit was bleached, like almost orange.

Oh, wow. That's a long time. The guy showed up and he'd forgotten the key, and he had to take the whole. front door off its hinges to get us in and then put it back on and then basically the next morning we woke up and our skin was like cracking dry it was the biggest boner killer we had to go to CVS buy as much moisturizers we could you would have loved it fortunately I know you like to put the lotion on each other yeah I'm sure I'm sure we did that I mean you could make a you know make something with that yeah yeah that sounds like a terrible weekend especially the woman that was lazy

and wanted to sit in a wheelchair. Well, the wheelchair was a different act. I know. But that is just like, I am tired. Yeah. And like push me around in a wheelchair. Unless you had to pretend that you lived in a Barbie dream house under the stairs. She was a real character.

There's more stories there. Oh, those aren't the only two? Did you draw from some of that for feel good? Because wasn't that character in the closet? I did a bit, but in Feel Good, I made you really root for the relationship, I think. Right, right. And in real life, I don't think anyone was rooting for it. Everyone's like, okay, it's time to move on.

Yeah. She's rolling around a wheelchair outside. I'm exhausted. Just because she's tired. An exhausted sausage. TIG, what about you? Well, yeah, so you don't go on many dates, but... No.

Would you probably ask... Don't yell at me, Fortune. I would have... Don't. You try to be someone who had the confidence to ask them girls out. No. Really? No, I didn't ask girls out.

No. Even in Colorado? Oh my gosh. This girl in L.A. She was a stand-up writer, producer, person that I just, like, would meet. You know, we just became friends and we really, like, enjoyed each other. Oh, my. gosh. I never want to overstep or make somebody uncomfortable.

Yeah. And I don't like to assume anybody is attracted to me. Like, it's crippling, you know. Yeah. And she had never been into a woman before. And we hung out. And she lived in this apartment in Santa Monica. Oh, my gosh. I'm just, it's so hilarious because we're still friends. And she's, you know, she's great. It's just so funny to think back before we knew each other better. And so she had me over.

We went to the roof of her apartment in Santa Monica. And it was like, yeah, so. want to come sit with me on the swing? And I was like, sure. And I'm like, is she intimate? Like, I just didn't know what was happening. And so we're like swinging. And then she's like, well, it's getting late.

Do you want to spend the night? And I was like, and it was, to be fair, it was very late. But I mean, it's not like I couldn't drive back to Hollywood from Santa Monica. But I was like, sure. And so I stay. She makes up the couch for me. Okay. That is confusing then.

This is mixed signals. Yeah. Well, I think I probably had something to do where I was, I could imagine. You made up the couch. I probably was like, I could sleep on the couch. You know what I mean? Right. I was trying to like probably get ahead of things.

And so I'm like on her couch and she's in her bedroom. And then you just hear this voice go, um, um, TIG. And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, are you comfortable on the couch? Oh, man. She wanted you to come in the bedroom. Yeah. And you probably went, yep.

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She was really putting it out there. No, I mean, we ended up like hooking up, making out kissing, like, That night? No.

Not when I was spending. TIG is not picking up on anything. Yeah, it's like you have to absolutely Just kiss you. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no world that I will do that. Yeah.

I was pretty bad about that too. I never knew if someone liked me. Yeah. I think I've mentioned a story also about this girl that when she was done with me, after we have done with me sexually or no she was she was she was so done with me because um it just it just it was not happening and then of course it created that situation where where i became more interested in her yeah when she was less interested and uh one time i stopped by her how i think i mentioned this on the show wearing the shirt that she always

would tell me I looked cute in. She was like, eh? Yeah. And she, yeah, wasn't having any of it. It didn't do it. No, no. But we're totally pals still. We haven't really ever talked about that.

About you on the sofa? Yeah. And it's also, I mean, like, we're both married with kids and, like, rarely see each other. I think it's been like 10 years since I've seen her. Oh, okay. Yeah. But anyway, that was uncomfortable. And I was fully to blame.

TIG, are you comfortable on this of it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely had some awkward, like, phone calls where I liked someone, but, like, nothing was ever happening. You know, it would just drag out and drag out and drag out and drag out and find. Finally, I would just call them and be like, I like you. And they would be like, I don't like you like that. And I'm like, okay.

Okay, bye. Oh, wrong number. God, my 20s were a mess. I would love to see. But once I hit 30, I found much stride. Yeah. But man, those 20s were, whoof. Yeah.

I, yeah, it's rough thinking back on my life. before. Oh my God. I'm always like my apologies to everyone. My apologies. I was just not great at things. Wow. It's a weird thing. Some people are good at it and some people aren't. But then eventually you found your your right person and then it was so easy, right? Yeah. I mean, God, so easy. But it's also, I don't know what I was going to say. Hmm. Oh, I know what I was going to say. It's so impressive, though, Fortune, that you felt that way and you still put yourself out there. Yeah. I didn't ever do that at all. Right. It was so hard. I mean, I was like, you know, my stomach was in knots. Yeah. But still, that's like true bravery and like strength because it is because you're you're so.

full of fear and insecurity and you're still like I'm still going to put myself out there I what it it had gone on where we were in this weird like in between for a bit where I couldn't it part of it was I just couldn't take it anymore like the not knowing because I was my feelings were continuing to develop and and I had this like run where I liked a couple of not at the same time but I liked a couple women in a row that unrequited love thing and I couldn't get out of that pattern where I just was like falling for these people

that just nothing was happening but I was developing feelings and I just got to the point where I was like I have to like find out because not that I won't be their friend but I need to know so that I can put my energy elsewhere if this isn't going to develop.

So, yeah, it was basically just, after a while of me, just not wanting to feel that, like, awful in between anymore. And now you and Tigger are such good friends. Look at us. Yeah, we made it through. I was just also. I was also, I don't know how I ended up on this coffee date with a girl. It was right after, it was in 2012 after all the hell I had been through.

And she was like, Well, there you go, Fortune. She looked like a version of Jennifer Aniston, you know? Okay. And, but she was so deeply boring. Like, I was, I was truly staring at her, like, how on earth are you choosing these words and sentences? And I was so confused. And after our coffee, she texted me.

that was so nice. And I was like, and then she knew that I had a show that night and she texted me before the show saying, have a good show. And I was like, uh-oh. And then, yeah, and then at night, when I was in bed,

I got a text from her saying, sweet dreams. And I was like, oh, oh, I called her text. Red flag. I called her text for Aniston. But I was just like, no, no, no. And that was actually a story I had told Stephanie before we got involved. And then when she and I exchanged numbers, she texted me at 11 o'clock that night and said,

Sweet dreams. She's so good. Those callbacks. Yeah. Yeah. She's good. But anyway, I can't even imagine the awkward stories people have about me. Oh my God. Wouldn't it be nice to hear what people say about you? Well, it makes me think I would love to text that friend. friend, the comedian, writer, producer. What if it was Paula Pell? Yeah. No, that that went on with all those years ago and just be like, how hilarious, how hilarious. And what are your memories of that?

Yeah. That would be funny. Anyway. Let's hear Paul Appel. Yeah. After my divorce, I went on a date. Someone fixed me up with someone. I had moved to L.A.

And they fixed me up with this girl. And I was all excited. I got to blow dry and got my nails done. And I was all nervous. And I got ready early and sat and waited with my purse in my lap. Like I was waiting for a church to start. And I was waiting for her call because she had a meeting at like seven and was going to be done ready for dinner at canters at eight. We're going to have a little deli meal all excited.

And she just kept delaying. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. because I kept having to check in, hey, are we still doing this? I'm so sorry. I'm walking my friend to his car. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm talking to my friend.

He's going through something. I'll be there very soon. I'll call you. Finally about, I'm not kidding, two hours go by. And I'm like, if you want to cancel and we can do this some other time, I had completely melted all my, all my beautification. And she said, no, no, I don't have my car. Can you pick me up at this corner and we can go to go to a bar?

So I picked her up. We went to the bar and started talking. She was really nice and we're laughing and talking. And she proceeds to tell me that she went to dine with her friend she was talking to that delayed the date at Cantors, where we were supposed to be going. What? And she thought it was funny. And she was just telling me like, can you believe it? We did that.

That's so weird. I had very low self-esteem at the time. So, of course, at the end of the date, I was like, I hope she still wants to make out with me, which she did not. Oh, my Lord. God dang. Paula, you don't deserve that. Is Paula in a relationship now?

Paula's happily married. Oh, okay. She remarried. Yes, Paula remarried and is so happy. Oh, good. How long has she been with her wife? Her new, probably not new. I don't know.

They've been together for a bit. I don't know how long though. Yeah, but they seem like a great fit. Oh, that's awesome. The nerve of that date. Yeah. To be like so funny. While you were waiting, I went to the place.

We were going to go. That's so rude. And that's so silly of me. Yeah. I did ask someone. I thought I asked someone on a date once. This is again back in my 20s. And it was one of those outdoor movies.

This was like a bunch of my friends were going. I was like, oh, this is the perfect, like, first date. Like, we can kind of get to know each other. So I asked this girl and she brought a date. Oh, brutal. That's like Mike Barbiglia. My girlfriend's boyfriend. She, I had, I like sat there and had to like entertain her date like, like, she's like,

she's like, fortune's so funny. Oh my God. Oh, my God. What am I doing with my life? Those kind of moments of truly where you catch yourself in a month where you're like, what? What? How did I end up here? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. That is so funny.

I'm excited for the Paula Pell's movie with you in it, fortunately. Yeah. When does that come out? I mean, this is the one we're filming now, so I don't know. Well, as Paula Pala. Paula and her wife, Janine wrote it. So they wrote it together. They're both the really fantastic comedy writers. That's so cool. Yes. And they live on a farm as lesbian do. Wait, in real life? Yeah. Really? Like with chickens and stuff? Cows. They've got animals. Why? I should she invited me. It's in, uh, I think it's in New York, somewhere in New York. I can travel. All right. Well, tell Paul you want to go to her farm. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's my big dream in the, in the end. Oh my gosh. But it's my big dream is I want to, I want to start an animal sanctuary.

I could see that for you. And to go back to wheelchairs. Yeah. I want. Bring it full circle. I mean, I would love to have an animal sanctuary with animals that are like in wheelchairs. Oh, like three-legged donkeys and so, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. Try to stop me. I bet you'll do it. I bet you'll do it. That is, I mean, that's what I want. Yeah. Yeah. I love that for you. Good. Thanks. I love you too. Well, awesome. That was fun. That was so fun. What do you guys have coming up on well, Valentine's Day, right? Yeah, big New York City, Beacon Theater, February 14th, and then in March, I have San Diego, Oklahoma City, Fayetteville, Arkansas,

Little Rock, Arkansas, and a bunch of those rescheduled dates, like Toronto and San Antonio and Portland, I'm so sorry I had to reschedule again, but I'm coming, I promise. I'll be in Tucson, Santa Fe, Ventura, California, Monterey, Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Charleston, West Virginia, Cincinnati, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Keene, New Hampshire, Newtown, Connecticut, Portland, Maine, Red Bank, New Jersey, Bellingham, Washington, Brooks, California, San Luis Bispo, Albany, New York, Peakskill, New York, Clayton, New York. Oh, this is when I can go see the animals, Rochester, New York. There you go.

Calispell, Montana, Spokane, Washington, Eugene, Calgary. Omaha, Oklahoma, all of those places. I will be there. Tignotaro.com looking forward to it. I'll be with Amy Berkman, the speed painter opening for me, raising money for good causes, including for animals. That's what I'm up to. All right.

I am tomorrow night. I'm at Largo in L.A. trying out my new hour before I go on tour to all those cities then. February 26, Oklahoma. and the 27th Houston and Dallas and go to maymartin.net. It's selling out, but there's still some tickets available. See if I'm coming to your town and I can't wait. Subscribe, rate, review.

Also subscribe to YouTube so you can see Fortune touching her knockers. Yeah. All right. Bang bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, mine, line. And, um, I mean, it's really. That's the noise they make. I don't know what to tell you. No, I know.

I used to have those things. things. They're still, they're still bouncing in the dumpster. But yeah, it's a wonderful community of people. Just a sea of handsome merchandise at the shows. It's so wonderful. You guys are the best. Yeah. You're so, so great. And until next time, what do you say we, uh, keep it handsome. Hansom is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at Hansom. Ponsompod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod. What a podcast.

What a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking how long it takes to bake sweet potatoes, not so smart. The rest of dinner was ready long before those potatoes were done. So now we're enjoying them for Disney. start. Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

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