Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #1

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Introducing Pretty Little Episodes! We're thrilled to announce that every Friday we will be answering YOUR questions on a bonus episode! Just three pretty little ladies, answering your pretty little questions, on some Pretty Little Episodes! Enjoy, and submit YOUR question to speakpipe.com/handsomepod LIVE STREAMING SHOW Aug 24! Tickets: dynastytypewriter.com/handsomeHandsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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this bonus installment of Handsome. It's something we're calling Pretty Little Episodes. And it features questions from our listeners. That's right, if you listen to Handsome, you can now ask us a question. And also we want to remind you that tomorrow, August 24th, we're putting on a live streaming show that you can watch anywhere in the world. You can get tickets at our social media pages or at dynastytypewriter.com slash handsome. And your ticket means that you can watch the show for a full week.

The show is going to be so fun. I'm so pumped and we really want everyone to be there. So go to our social media pages and get those tickets to stream. Pretty little episode. Hello, it's the handsome pod. With our first installment of what can only be described as an optimistic experiment, we thought we're going to bring you a pretty little episode where we answer your questions. We had a lot of people reaching out,

saying they had questions for us, and we wanna hear what you're thinking about. I hope they're not obscene and offensive. I feel like they won't. You might like that. Please no. Yeah, so every week it's a little bonus, a little bonus episode.

Yeah, it's a shorter app. This time it's all three of us. Sometimes it might be just some of us if you have questions for us specifically. But yeah, these are the episodes that are all about you. Yes. Yes. Our handsome listeners. And we were overwhelmed with the response when we put on our Instagram page. Who has a question for the handsome pod?

A lot of you have questions for the Hanson pod. So it'll be a while before we get to many of them, but we thought let's start somewhere. We have to start somewhere and we have a long road to go down. But thanks for the questions. I mean, it really was like, holy moly, we didn't realize everybody was itching.

A tidal wave of cues. Yeah, so let us know what you think. And you can submit your questions to speakerpipe.com slash handsome pod. Should we kick it off, Thomas? Do you wanna throw us a cue and we'll see who we got? This first question comes from Megan. Hi, May fortune and take this is Megan from Northern California.

My question to you guys is what is that one experience that you had during childhood that your family just won't let you live down. No matter what happens in life, they won't let you forget what you did. It's so funny, because just so you guys know, we have not heard any of these questions ahead of time. So it does sort of like bring all these memories back to me at least, you know.

One popped into my mind right away. And I don't. Yeah, I feel like this does get brought up quite a bit, which is that we went to a fancy restaurant one time and I was like four and we were walking through the restaurant and it was properly like a maitre d' and everybody sitting, you know, eating their meals. And as I was walking with each step I took, I farted. So I was born. I didn't I didn't know I. So I was born, I didn't know I was, I wasn't like, didn't know it was fun.

I was just like, pfft Tutor? Hey, Tutor. Hey, Tutor. What's up, Tutor? I feel like a bunch popped into your mind, Fortune, when you heard the question. I mean, I probably do have things that I did when I was a kid that were ridiculous. But the one thing, the one attitude I had

that always gets brought up to me, even today, is when I was like a teenager, girls are kind of bitchy at that age and there are all these hormones going through our bodies. So we're just like, shut up mom. There's a lot of that. Well, I was kind of going through my bitch phase. And you would actually say shut up to your mom?

Probably. Wow. If I had said that. She probably said it to me as well. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. If I said that to my mother. The world would have stopped turning.

I would not be here today. Yeah. Okay, so you're going through your bitch phase. I was going through my bitch phase and I was, you guys know I love food. I mean, food is like the greatest. So it was always very particular about where we would go eat. And so they would always like, where does she want to go?

Like my brother's where I was like, wherever you want to go. Cause I would call such a like stink about it. Like, oh, I don't, I don't want to, why are we not going to Chili's? You know, this is so stupid. And I would be very intense about it. What a little bitch. I know, I was like such a little bitch. And to this day, my brother's like,

where, where do you want to go? And I'm like, I don't care. Like I truly don't care and have not cared for like 25 years. Yeah. But they are so like, if fortune doesn't go where she wants to go, she's gonna cause a stick. And I'm like, I really don't care.

They all call me like, where do you wanna go? What sounds good to you? And I'm like, how am I still going through this all these years later? Because you were ruthless. Yeah, it's not a bad side effect to have though that now you still get to make the call. I get to make the call. Yeah.

What about you, Tick? Well, mine has to do with food as well. I was a very picky eater as a child. I just liked cheese and pickles and, you know, nothing, I just, my palate was not in order. And I remember my stepfather, he had made a sandwich for me and I was like, oh, I don't want the, it had so many, it had so many different things in the sandwich

and I was so overwhelmed. And he said, well, Tig, just take off whatever you don't want. And so I did. I took everything off that I didn't want. And all that was in there was one little round pickle. And so I became famous in my house for my pickle sandwich. That's so funny. Before McDonald's did veggie burgers and stuff, I became famous in my house for my pickle sandwich.

That's so funny. Before McDonald's did veggie burgers and stuff, I dated a girl who would order a hamburger with no meat or cheese. So it was just that bun and then that ketchup and onions. That warm ketchup. Yeah, with the onion and pickle and it was just the flattest little piece of, it was like a piece of paper.

Yeah. Should we hear Megan's answer? Yeah. My answer is I am a pool pooper. I pooped in a resort pool when I was about eight or nine years old. My friend that I was in the pool with kept trying to perfect a handstand and she wouldn't let me get out of the pool until she perfected it. And I just couldn't hold my load any longer. So I just let it go. And after I did, she ended up seeing my load at the bottom of the pool. And with her goggles

on went down to poke at it. I tried to get her to stop. But we had to clear the pool because the lifeguard obviously saw the goods at the bottom. So in my family, oftentimes they just yell baby Ruth referring to the sandlot scene or just say pooping in the pool. So can't wait to hear your answers. And if I could freeze time, I would love to hang out with you guys for a day. Yeah. Yes.

That's nice. I love the idea of their family just out of context going pooping in the pool. Baby Ruth, it did make me think about that scene in the sandlot where the kid drops the baby Ruth in the pool and everyone thinks it's a dookie. I'm kind of idolizing that friend who's like, you're not allowed out of the pool

until I perfect this handstand. Yeah, what a see you next Tuesday. Thanks, Megan. Yes, Megan, thank you so much for that. We'll always think of you when we when we drop a load in the pool We drop the goods. I Don't really understand that Experience thankfully pooping in the pool. Yeah, I have not done that

I gotta say I don't really like what eating, Megan, that the density of this poo floated right to the bottom? Like a... You know? Like dog poop. Yeah. Like one of those little turds. Oh my god. Anyway, next one.

This question's from Pia. Hi, handsome pod. My name is Pia. I'm a big fan from Germany. And I would love to know what are little things that each of you like to do like tiny little things in day to day life that just make you happy and make you feel like yourself. Hmm Pia, little things that make us feel like ourselves. Nice little things that you do for yourself. I take a walk every day.

That's nice. Just by yourself? Well, today Stephanie joined me, but I really try to fit it in and it clears my head and I like also on my walks to make sure that I'm walking different directions on streets so that I see different angles and notice shops or houses or just anything that I've never noticed. And I think it's always good to remember to look up

when you're walking because you can get so used to walking and just keeping your head straight. Or down if you're looking for pennies or something and you're missing the whole world. But it's a good thing to remember to look up. That's nice. Well, Fortune's got me addicted to this phone game now that she casually. Oh no, did I?

You asked. She casually mentioned, and I have a pretty addictive personality, and now I gotta break out of that so I can get back to looking up at the sky because I'm playing this fucking game. I know, it is addicting. It really is.

But I don't know, I like to watch some dark porn. Oh my God. It really lights my day. No, I like a bath, I like to listen to music or play my guitar. Sometimes just taking 10 minutes and strumming around. I like to start my day not in a panic. If I don't have to wake up at a certain time, I try to set the alarm like 10 minutes before that

because my dog Biggie, he does sleep in the bed with us and he comes in the morning and like kind of licks my hand if my alarm hasn't gone off yet and he plops down like in my little arm nook, and then Jax will wake up and we'll have like 10 minutes of just like loving on him and cuddling. And it's just like a nice way to start the day just in that kind of like love bubble with the two of them. That's heaven.

Yeah. Snuggle time. That's awesome. Yeah, thanks Pia. And try dark porn if you haven't yet. Just try it. Maybe you own a home or maybe you're about to become a new homeowner. Either way, you're going to want to save time and money

by switching to Allstate for your home insurance today. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.

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if you could dress up in any historical costume, what would you dress up as? And then what would you do for the day? Oh my gosh. Oh, Adam. How many times have I been asked this? Oh man. Zero.

I would go with the night costume kind of from the Leonardo DiCaprio, Romeo and Juliet style. Oh yeah. And I, yeah, I'd go full night and I'd be just looking at people through fish tanks and that's a reference to that movie. I was like, wait a second, oh yeah. I could see you in that outfit for sure.

Yeah, I'd like to go full night I think and just ride around on a horse and maybe joust. Joust. Yeah, yeah. See, I was gonna say I'd wanna go full on, I wouldn't even say little cowboy, like full on cowboy. Yeah, like turn of the century cow, yes, yeah, yeah. That's fucking cool. Cow, cowboy, and I would probably ride the horse

to all of the public parks that have the signs that have a horse with a circle and a line through it. There are parks that say no. In LA? Yeah. Really, who say no horses? Yeah, and it cracks me up because I always picture someone just clomping along

and then taking their horse, they're like, I'm gonna go to the park. And then pulling up and then a sign's like, no horses. It's like, oh shoot. None of us are saying plague doctor. You know, those weird long masks, they're pretty creepy. I would maybe go as Cleopatra. Oh, pretty little lady.

In a long gown. A smoky eye. Like a snake bracelet around my arm and eating grapes. And everyone would be like, who are you? I'm like, I'm Cleopatra, obviously. Oh, no, no. And they're like, oh, I would not have guessed that. I'm like, oh my God, really? Would you do a full wig?

Like the dark wig with the bangs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, got to. God, I want to see you. Yeah, if you want people to know who you are. I'd be like, how do you not know I'm Cleopatra? You can't, Look at this wig. Do you think Cleopatra was always like,

oh my God, I totally need to go get my bangs done? Probably. Yeah. Those straight bangs right across. Yeah, and her friends were like, you should totally grow your bangs out, Clea. She's like, no, it's my thing. Yeah, I'm Cleopatra.

Cleopatra. I really like that. We gotta get together, the three of us, and take you be a full cowboy. I'll go night and fortune in full Cleopatra, you know that? We gotta get together, the three of us, and take you, be a full cowboy. I'll go Knight and Fortune in full Cleopatra. Thomas, put it on the list. That's right. Did Adam have an answer, just out of curiosity?

He did, here it is. For me, I would dress up as a French dandy and go to Whole Foods shopping and just have fun. All right. Okay, sweet and simple. Yeah, and just have a laugh at Whole Foods. I don't wanna go to Whole Foods. Yeah, no possible way this guy's going to Trader Joe's.

No, not in that outfit. Not our sweet and simple Adam. Like a powdered face and a, yeah. Let's do one last question. Yeah! Great, this one's from Vicky. What up Vicky? Give it to us Vicky. Hi handsomes, my name is Vicky and I live in Scotland. I know Fortune and Tig are happily married and Mae is heavily involved with someone. I'm thinking prior to this, my question is have you ever come across someone that got you all flustered or hot and bothered

and proceeded to make a complete fool of yourself in that moment and how did you recover it? Oh my God, I love Vicky's accent. Yeah. Or no fortune and T are married. I can't do it, but man. Yeah, you really can't. I love that, yeah.

Guys! Guys! Or no fortune and T are married. I know in the past, but I'm thinking in the past was there anyone who got you hot and bothered? See, they can do it good. Yeah. Yeah, good May.

May's a real talent. We're just southerners. I, the only thing I can think of is, can I say this? Yeah, there was someone who I would get so wound up around them that like, yeah, I might, I would just stammer, my heart was pounding, like, I've rarely had this with anyone. And, and so I was going to hang out with her with my with another friend and my friend said, have you ever tried beta blockers? And gave me like a beta blocker to actually stop my body from physiologically

going because I would just be making insane jokes. I'd be doing like physical comedy like just oh really crap falls like I'd be over sharing. I was like bright red. It was really showing your b-hole. Showing my b-hole. I know. I know. It wasn't me. It was you. And then I then I took the beta blocker and I was like, not that I, people take them for public speaking and stuff, right? Oh really? Or if you're, yeah, cause it just-

It's like a, it just calms you or something? It's not like a Valium or something where it actually is a sedative, it's like it stops your body from physiologically, like your heart racing and stuff. Oh, okay. And yeah, it was a pretty remarkable difference. I was like a sane person. And then after that, I was okay.

It was like, I needed just one hangout with her where I wasn't a psychopath. And did you ever get involved with her? Never. Never, oh, interesting. Never, no, yeah. Yeah, I had somebody that I was just not so about, and we had met on a TV show, working together.

And every time I saw her, like for the years after that, we'd run into each other, I was like just over the moon for her. And I felt like there was like some sort of something, but also I thought, well, maybe it's just me. Would you just like talk a lot and blush and? I don't even know. Maybe I was just even telling her.

I couldn't even control myself. I was like, I'm really into you. But we did become involved. And I don't know if it's a matter of did me wrong or just wasn't quite as into me as I was into her, that kind of thing. You're starting out at such an imbalance there. When you've kind for someone

and it's never gonna really be. Yeah, totally. And that's what got me over it, where I was like, oh. When I say she did me wrong, I mean, we're still totally pals and I love her and she's great and hilarious and all of those things.

And it was me. It was me. But for me, it's like if somebody kind of hurts my feelings in that way, it's kind of easy to move on. Right. Where I was like, I really followed this one into a hole. You know? I think I'm done. Yeah, it's been nine years with Jack,

so I don't even remember. Yeah, it's hard. How that feeling was. I think the most reactions I had was probably back in the day when I was more in the closet, sort of the unrequited love. Yeah. That was when I was the most like, you know, like that putting lotion on my friend's arms.

And yeah, that was when I was the most like physiological, like I was like, oh my God, what is this feeling? I definitely went through a phase where if someone who I had a crush on or was like starting today, it would come and see me do stand up, I would bomb almost always. Yeah, cause I try and I was too self conscious about whether I was also cool, like, you know what I mean?

And that's the enemy of comedy. And then I try something like out of the box, like some weird crowd work or something that would, I don't know. And so I think I'm over that now, but that was a real thing. Oh, love. It's interesting to be married because I was so out

of my mind for Stephanie, and we've been together for so long that it almost feels like nothing kind of compares to the excitement around her. Oh, that's nice? It's true. But it's a different feeling of excitement. Yeah. It's gratitude. You feel safe.

And this is your person. Yeah. Yeah, usually if you're having that like cold sweat, that's like red flag usually. If you're like a little bit. It's supposed to be like fear. Yeah. Is what that is.

What's supposed to be like fear? That kind of crazy off the rails feeling is nerves. It's supposed to be like fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is what that is. What's supposed to be like fear? That kind of crazy off the rails feeling is nerves. It's actually your body's saying like- This person could ruin you. Yeah. Run away. I mean, that's the thing.

Yeah, when you have that kind of level of thing, it's usually not like your person. Yeah. Because there's the like danger, like, uh-oh, this person can really break your heart kind of thing. It's not the right one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's hear Vicky's answer. My answer is about 13 years ago, I was a probationary police officer, just getting used to going out on the beat and driving the cars, et cetera. One day I was just leaving the station about to get into the police car

when a woman called excuse me and I looked up and saw the most beautiful woman, long auburn hair with the sun shining at the back of her, just stunningly wow. Out the back of her. I was standing on the pavement with the door open just about to get into the car so turned and said hi. Just at that my foot slipped off the kerb and I fully head butted the roof of the police car and fell backwards onto the pavement. Both my partner and the woman just stared, jaws wide. Nothing was said prior to my partner making his way towards the woman stating, just ignore her. There was no recovery for me other than to get into the car and sit quietly mortified.

To my chances of being heavily involved with this woman, drifting into the ether, along with the heat from my burning cheeks and bumping on my head. First of all, that's a beautifully told anecdote. I know. Yeah, but I'm also thinking Vicky could have handcuffed her. Oh God. And the lady's like, what is happening? Yeah, also Vicky sounds like a sort of a character

from a British cop drama that would be a hot cop. Like you can picture a sort of, I don't know, did you ever see Prime Suspect with Helen Mirren? Anyway. Oh, I never saw that. Two against one. Two against one. Well, thanks Vicky. What a treat. Oh, I never saw that. Two against one. Two against one. Well, thanks Vicki.

What a treat. Yeah, thanks everybody. I love this. Hearing from our listeners is very cool. Send in your questions to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And let us know what you think of this experiment or if you think we should do it different. We're curious, so let us know.

You know, but be kind. Don't, nothing crazy. They're like, no thanks. Keep in mind, it's a free podcast and we're giving you some extra free content. That's right. If you don't like it, moving along, but if you do, keep it handsome.

That's right. We just enjoy our handsome listeners and we appreciate you listening to this prelude episode. In the meantime, keep it hansome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast!

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! Home insurance can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be.

With Allstate, you can save time and money by switching your home insurance. They make it so easy to switch, you're going to be asking yourself why you waited so long to do it. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings.

Savings vary.