Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #105

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

Tig and Mae share their dreams and compare themselves to fruit on a Pretty Little Episode that reminds us of... a pineapple!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Pretty little episode. Welcome to a pretty little episode of the Handsome Pod. I'm one of your host, May Martin, joined. You sure are, May Martin, and I am Tignotaro. May, how are you? I'm certainly here and well. I see you're in camo. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if I've seen you in camo before. I rarely see myself in camo because I'm so camouflaged. I love camo, I have to tell you. I thought that when I put it on actually. No, you didn't. I did. You're starting. You're not telling truthful things.

I seriously, I think even when I ordered this, it's like a vintage sure, I think I maybe was like, I'd seen you wearing camo or something. Wow, look at that. Yeah, I do. Not to suck up or slowly assume your identity. Well, it is surprising, I'm sure, to know that I like camo and flannel. Well, you're always hunting. I am.

I am. Hunting for more camo and flannel. Yeah. Yeah. You're looking well? You're wearing a sort of... I'm looking well, but... Let's be honest.

My eye is basically closed right now. Is it not? It's taken a little nap. It's almost calling it a day. Is that just from being tired? It gets... Yeah, yeah. When I get really tired or I guess, which makes sense, if it's really late at night,

which it's not at 7 o'clock, but I have been traveling. I was on a different time zone. And also, I don't sleep well. when I'm not home. Yes. I don't know, but also I'm 55. I don't know. My eyes closing me.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think you should embrace it. I think it's cool. It's pretty pop-eye of me, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So can you not sleep in Colorado?

I mean, here and there. But no, I really have to be home. And I have to be in bed with Stephanie for a very good night of sleep. Yeah. I, yeah, now that I'm, now that I'm heavily involved again, I've, now I'm the same where I can't sleep without parv. I can't sleep very well and it's really annoying because she lives in Venice. And so how, like what is bad sleep for you?

Is it like a couple hours or is it a lot of interruptions or walk me through boring aging information? It's just the, yeah, sleep hygiene. 101. It's just, I can't fall asleep and my mind's racing and then I'll get up and and then maybe I'll sleep for a few hours and then I have to pee and then I'm awake again for a while. Oh my gosh. Yeah, and you just wake up and you're, yeah, you feel like you've been busy all night. You know what I was told not to do and maybe I've already talked about this but who cares here it comes again. I have been told not to look at my phone. Yeah. My watch. Did we talk about this? Oh, because you got an Apple watch. Well,

Yeah, but when you wake up in the night, don't look at the clock. Oh, don't look at the time. Yeah. Because you'll start, like, counting the hours. You'll start thinking about it. You'll start counting, crunching numbers. Yeah. Just tell yourself, you know what?

I can go back to sleep. Yeah. Who knows if it's five minutes till the alarm goes off or five hours, but don't look. Do you ever do like visualizations and stuff? Like I have my thing where I pretend I got in a plane crash. Of course, you act like I know this. What do you mean? I'm sure I've talked about this. I pretend I pretend I was in a small plane like the kind Harrison Ford would fly and it crashed in Alaska in the snow. Doesn't he always crash? Always. He loves to crash. Yeah. So interesting. It's his thing. And then I imagine like climbing out of the wreckage and I'm kind of a little injured and then I go through the snow and then I get to this log cabin and it's like a fire is burning. You have not told me. Why would you get to a log cabin where the fire's burning?

Isn't your plane on fire? That's true. I'm trying to find shelter or sanctuary. Yeah. And then, but I can't, like, I can't just imagine the cozy log cabin and crawling into bed. I have to go through the plane crash first. So it's traumatic. And that puts you to sleep.

Yeah, once I get to the, sometimes when I get to the log cabin and I'm all tucked up. I guess, um, I guess, um, I guess, guess it's just the same concept of like you just go through different steps because what I do if I must share this embarrassing thing I've been told to go through like you know head to toe your whole body yeah kind of whatever and I say good night to every part stop and I say good night to my hair good night to your hair may hear me out then I say good night to my scalp I say good night to my forehead. I say good night to my ears.

I say good night to my eyebrows. I have never made it past that. No way. I mean, even as you were doing that, I was feeling myself drawing my awareness to those parts and then like. Yeah. And you know what? Probably our listeners fell asleep too because frankly it's pretty boring.

Frankly. Yeah. Sleep hygiene. Yeah. This segment, you know, Debbie would be thrilled to hear you're saying goodnight to your hair though. Yes. She'd be like, oh, nobody says good not to those poor souls. They are poor souls.

Not as poor as my eyeballs soul. How are you, May? I'm well, I think. I've been, I'm well. What have I been up to? I went to Disney with three small children, actually four small children. I went with my friend Nicole, who's like my oldest, like from when we were 13. She's the one that was sent to a rehab facility in the states.

And wayward's kind of, yeah. So she's got these two little kids and we went to Disney. And they'd never been, I don't think they'd left Canada before really. And so they are four and six. And oh my Lord, that's a good age for Disney. It was beyond exhausting. But they were impeccably behaved. And the little one, Maggie, she's four, she, I kept hearing her whispering.

like we went on jungle cruise and you know it's just animatronic animals and every time we go by one I heard her whispering it's real it's real and then like we went on peter pan she's like it's real we're flying she really was immersed that's so cute what's crazy is we're going to Disney this weekend no way yes yes I'm doing a corporate gig for Disney and then we're just going to party in Anaheim How many have they been before? I think I've talked about this and I wish you'd pay attention, we're just recapping both of us. Yes.

No, we took Max and Finn for their fifth birthday. And you went on Space Mountain. Well, not just that. When we got there, we realized we had never shown them anything Disney related. And so when the mouse comes up, they were just like, who is this, what's happening? They're like, who are these praying? princesses. Exactly.

What monarchy is this? Yeah. That's really good. Are you going to stay until the night and see parades and stuff? I hope not. I didn't do that. I hit a wall and then I basically, I booked it for everyone and my thinking was I'll escape at some point. So around 4 p.m. I started really flagging.

But I did a thing where in the morning I said, guys, just so you know, you can win stars by being cooperative, helpful, like, kind, you can win stars. And at the end of the day, whoever has the most stars, I'm going to buy them a toy. And I knew I was going to buy them all toys. Yeah. But it worked like all day. They're like, how many stars do I have at this point? And like really keeping tabs on the numbers. And then I had to leave. So I didn't, I didn't get it. And then I texted one of their parents and was like, can you buy them all toys? Yeah. That's classic May for you right there.

Yeah. Yeah. Set it up and then bounce. Yeah. You know, I do want to go back when you were saying about your plane crash to put you to sleep. Yeah. This is really wild what I'm about to tell you. Tell me. And I was going to tell you when you started talking about this. And then I thought, oh, remember it.

And I didn't. But going back. Yeah. My cousin, her son, was just. in a plane crash. Yes, indeed. What? Yes, indeed.

It was a private jet. He was with his friend and his friend's dad. And when my cousin told me that her son was in a plane crash, I thought it was going to be like the plane bounced on like the runway and then the wing kind of hit the, you know? Yeah, like a landing or takeoff. No, no. They were going from Cabo. to Austin.

They had to emergency land on a freeway. I believe it was in Lubbock. The plane flipped upside down. Yes. Crashes, slides, the back half of the plane falls off of the overpass. Oh, my. It's in flames. My cousin's son and his friend get out and his friend's dad dies.

Oh my God. This was while I was in Colorado. Holy shit. Yes. Yes. Intense. And my poor cousin, my family, everybody is like having that kind of, I mean, I know I really took a crazy turn here sharing that story.

That's insane because it's one of those things that they tell you is so rare and will never happen. Right. Except for small planes. And I don't know how small this jet was, but it was private. his his his his friend's dad was a huge huge like tech CEO right yeah anyway who was flying the was the pilot also uh only the the the his friend's dad died wow yeah but like people are trying to like you can see it on online there's footage of the wreck god um but anyway that's i mean And where do you even start to get over that kind of trauma?

I know. I know. Luckily, we know these days a bit more about trauma. Like, I would start right away. For sure. I mean, not just him, but my cousin, my family, like, like the loop they're in of, like, if he had not gotten out. Is he injured?

Not that I know of. Wow. I, you know, I'm embarrassed to say, I didn't even. ask that. No, I mean, I'm sure they would have said if it was, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There wasn't, it doesn't seem like there was anything of note. I've made up in my mind that his friend's dad was not buckled in his seat up. That's helpful to be like, there's a concrete reason. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay, no small planes. No, no private jet. Should we get to questions? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Really?

really wild, intense stuff. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance, not checking what type of fruit I cut up before packing snacks for my son's soccer game. It was very sleepy this morning and mixed things up

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all state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, Fortune, May, and Tig. I said that in alphabetical order, so it was not to offend anybody. My name is Elizabeth, and in your episode with my favorite cisgender white male comedian, Tant Oswald, you said that you had hoped for a question from a newscaster in Omaha. But I hope you're okay with a question from an oncology nurse in Omaha. And my question is, do you have a recurring dream? And if so, what do you think it means?

Oh, interesting. Elizabeth, do you have any memory of us asking for a question from a newscaster in Omaha? I don't have any memory of anything. Yeah. Yeah. I love that we don't. In the world when people remember things. Yeah.

And we don't. An oncology nurse. Wow. Yeah. I don't think, first of all, thank you for your service. Second of all, I don't really, when I was little, I had a recurring dream. And I think it was from watching or reading, I guess probably reading or being read to, Alice in Wonderland. Because I had a recurring dream where I would walk towards a house and I was the same size as the house.

But as I got closer to the door, I fit in and walked into the house. Oh, wow, that's cool. But nothing shifted. I couldn't figure out what was happening. So I would have that dream a bunch when I was like under five years old. Was there anything in the house or was more about the... No, it was more just like, I'm heading towards the door. I'm heading towards the door. Oh, and by the way, go to Hulu. You're not going to want to miss what I'm doing right now. Am I right? Oh, this is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Go to Hulu. I'm headed towards the door, house, the door, and then I feel. in. Yeah, well, that seems directly Alice in Wonderland for sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. My recurring dream is that my grandmother... Also, I think it means nothing.

She asked if we thought it meant anything. Yeah. Yeah, that means, I mean, well, you're having to shrink yourself to be yourself at home. Ow. Sorry, Tig, but. So you don't think I was just... Trying to sort out. The Allison Wonderland moment?

Yeah, just like space and crunching numbers. No? Yeah, probably was just that. I had to shrink myself. Okay, whatever it is. I currently the thing that comes up the most is that my grandma has faked her own death. And I find that out. This is my grandma who I was close to, the British one.

I find out that she's faked her own death. And so I'm like calling her, trying to get a hold of her. And I'm like, I usually go and see her. And she's like, where have you been? I'm like, I thought you were dead. And she's like, nobody called me. And I'm like, you faked your own death. And she's like, it's guilt.

And like, I should have been more involved. And yeah, often she's like can't walk properly. And I'm carrying her around. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Or she's in some weird apartment, like hoarding. And yeah, I don't, and then people are like, hey, if you dream about a loved one, that's them sending you a message. And I do not like that idea because every time it's very, yeah, it's like, hey, I'm still here.

I'm alive and you are, you should be looking after me. So I don't know. What does that mean? I don't know. I think it. You have to shrink yourself to live in your house. I think it means I have to shrink myself to feel comfortable at home. I think it's a sort of Savior, complex martyrdom, like family shame. Yeah.

Should we go to our next question? Yeah, well, let's hear Elizabeth's answer. Oh, that's what I mean. Should we see what Elizabeth has to say? Yeah. My recurring dream is that I'm either in my high school musical, high school show choir, or community theater play, and I'm either late to rehearsal, forgot about rehearsal,

missed my cue, all sorts of things like that. And I think what it means is that I really need to get back into doing musicals again and not just when I'm singing around my house to myself. But I think I'm going to have to wait to do that until my kids are a little bit older. Keep it handsome. I like that. Yeah. I'd love, once you get back into it, Elizabeth, send us some footage of the big night. Oh, please. I hope it's all, maybe all the oncology nurses can write an original musical or put one on. I don't think that's going to happen, mate. Why?

Too busy? I just didn't get the feeling from the message that it was something she was doing with her oncology floor. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she could put one on with her kids, get them involved. I think that's easier than to loop in a bunch of adult. Stressed out adult.

nurses who may or may not have any interest. Yeah, yeah, that are dealing with cancer and... Mm-hmm. I mean, if, listen, Elizabeth, if you can pull that together, then seriously get that to us. Yeah. Because that is a USP that I'm into. Mm-hmm. What's USP?

I don't know, unique selling point. Oh, yes, USP. Yeah, yeah. All right, thank you, Elizabeth. And what else do we have? Hey, May, TIG and Fortune. Fortune, I'm coming to see you in Portland, Oregon this upcoming September. This is Sonia calling from Portland, Oregon. And I have a rather silly question for you guys. If you could be any fruit, what fruit would you be? Sonia, excellent question. I don't know why that seemed to really stress us both out. We both fell very quiet. I'm pensive. I immediately went to a kiwi.

Wow. Nature's testicle. May, why are you trying to ruin my life as a kiwi? Well, I think because you picked the most unattractive fruit. It's fuzzy and brown. But it's so delicious. A golden kiwi? Have we talked about this?

Never had one. I think I'm allergic, but that's my own diagnosis. Yeah. Okay. Well, What's a golden kiwi? They're yellow inside rather than green. Green is too, like right now, it's hurting my mouth talking about it and I'm salivating.

Same. Not in a good way. The green ones are, they're too much for me. I loved them as a kid as I got older. Can't do it. Golden Kiwi, get out of my way. It is just perfection. And, yeah.

And so, I don't know. I guess I'm thinking if it's, It's cold. I'm inside. I have a little bit of fur blowing in the wind. And if I get hungry, I can just eat myself because I am a gold, golden kiwi. That's a pretty good slogan for golden kiwis. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. I just don't want to be something that ripens too fast. Like a banana to me is you're not long for the world. There's no nothing solid there. I'd be a stone fruit. What fruit is long for the world?

Well, longer than a banana. I like an avocado. That's a fruit, right? Those ripen and are out the door when you blink. I know, you're right, but at least it has a stone inside. Maybe, I mean, I think plums are probably the sexiest of the fruit. fruits, but I'm going to go avocado. Okay.

Yeah. Because I used to read this kid's book called Avocado Baby when I was a kid about a baby that eats avocados and it gets so strong. Anyway. Oh, Sonia, what would you be? My answer, I would probably be a dragon fruit because I look a little wild and crazy on the outside, but on the inside, I'm actually rather sweet and mellow, and some people are surprised by that. Thanks a lot for all you guys do. You are the best. You make my morning all the time. And I love

listening to you. See you soon, Fortune. Well, thanks for listening to us. Hearing that makes our morning and our afternoon and our evening. Good night. You've said good night about three times And goodbye. And goodbye. It's funny how you hear a voice and you're, as soon as she said I look wild and crazy on the outside, I was like, oh, I've got to picture someone completely different now. Yeah. What is that? Now I'm picturing like Albert Einstein, like crazy hair and.

Sonia, will you send in, is it Sonia or Sonia? I think it was Sonia. Sonia. Okay, Sonia. Sonia. I've known both. Sonias and Sonias. I only, I went to a psychic called Psychic Sonia. Oh, okay.

Psychic Sonia? Yeah. Okay. And she wasn't. She wasn't? No. No. Definitely not.

We should set up, put this on the list, a psychic, like we should rent a space, like where it's like 24 hours psychic and we each take turns and we just do our best. Oh, and we're the psychic? Yes, yes, yes, indeed. Oh, my God. Yes, sir. For the general public? Yeah.

Anybody that will come in and pay us 20 bones? That's great. I mean, how much does it normally cost? Dude, on the strip there, you go in, it's like 40 bucks for a reading. Then they're saying, oh, you are in trouble. I got, if you want me to clear this, it's $400 for a package. Okay, we'll do that too. We'll clear things.

Yeah, we'll clear things and we'll sell packages. Yeah. I'd like to see a psychic with the three of us. Like, I mean, if we can get fortune to get us in with Tyler Henry, the psychic medium. He just posted a video where he's sitting on a chair and, you know, Fortune had the reading

on his TV show and it was really accurate. He talked about her uncles and everything. So he just sounds familiar. He posted a video and he's sitting on a chair in the kitchen and he's doing some paranormal experiment. Wait, is he the one that scribbles on a notepad? Yes. Okay, okay. And all of a sudden his whole stool moves with him on it.

It goes, and I just look at that and then keep scribble. Roland go about my day, but then I'm like, wait, was he can't, is he just faking? Like, or did I just see a stool with a man move? You know what you could do? What? Go back to his page and look. But I won't get any clarity. I mean, it looks. Maybe write him. And say, hey, was that real or fake? Yeah, yeah. And what if he's like, yeah, I haven't told anyone this, but it's all fake? Yeah. I'd like to see him, them. Okay. Well, that was a pleasure, as usual. Lovely to see you, TIG. Lovely to see you, too, kid. Please keep submitting your questions. And if you need any advice on

anything, we want to give it to you. Go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. I'm at Largo tomorrow night on August 22nd in L.A. But other than that, I'm just kicking around writing. What about you? I'm just touring around, you know, and tignotaro.com is where you can hear or find all of my tour dates. I think we should wrap it up right here. What do you say? Let's do it. Yeah, until next time, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tignitaro, and May Martin.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Wulet. email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a what podcast, what a podcast, what a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my mom's luggage is in good working order before flying her out on a trip. Big mistake. Now instead of seeing the sites, we're shopping for a new roller bag. Yeah, checking first is Han.

So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.