Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #12

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

Tig and Fortune answer a *pressing* question on today's Pretty Little Episode-- why is FORTUNE-MARIE always the one who gets in trouble?!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Pretty little episode. Welcome to our pretty little episode. I am Fortune Famester. And I am your friend, Tignotaro.

You are our friend, Tig. I am. I am. I am. I am your friend, Tig Notaro. You are our friend, Tig. I am. I am. I was going to say I'm a friend to everyone,

but I feel like there's a few people. It probably doesn't. They're not on that list. Yeah, I'm probably not on their list, but I would say the majority. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, how you doing, bud?

I'm doing all right. I'm in Toronto. Yeah. Yeah. How you doing bud? I'm doing all right. I'm in Toronto. You are not. No. It's hot as balls here. Oh, Jen. I'm telling you, I don't know a lot about balls. I've heard they're hot when they get, you know, stuck in the swampy areas.

This is starting out terribly, terribly. I cannot believe how much balls come up on this podcast. I know. I don't know how that happens, but somehow it does. But yeah, it's hot here. Is it nicer weather there? Is it chilly? Yeah, it's definitely starting to get chilly.

I mean, look, it's not as cold as it gets here in Toronto, but it's getting like at night when I go to bed, I can feel that it's chilly. When you have your onesie on? No, I'm just in my pontees. It gets really cold there. You're going to be there in the coldest of months. Yes, I am. You're going to blow away, Tig.

I know. Blow away. Why would I blow away? Cause it's cold. Yeah, it'll be cold. And I assume there will be some wind involved at some point. It's so funny. When I was little, I was such a picky eater.

Like it was real bad. And my mother used to say, if you don't eat, you're gonna blow away to Windville. Have you ever heard of Windville? Have we talked about this on the podcast? Never heard of Windville, but it makes total sense to me. Well, I thought it was real. I thought it was a place,

it was apparently where skinny kids lived. Yeah, I never blew there. I didn't blow there either, but I also, it didn't change anything for me. I just felt like, whatever, I'll take my chances. I'm not eating this hamburger. I'm gonna have a piece of cheese and a pickle and I'll be on my way.

A piece of cheese and a pickle, that was the meal? That was about what my palette, yeah. I didn't have Windville, but mine was like, if you don't stop eating, you're going to fat camp. Did that come up? I never went to fat camp, but I did get sent to a nutrition class when I was 12. 12 or 13.

Was there a threat of... fat camp didn't come up? No, because we couldn't afforded fat camp anyway, whatever that was. But somehow, I think through insurance, we were, and my mom knew a lady at church who held nutrition classes. And did you go to one? It was like me and six 45-year-olds. That is hilarious. Wait, you actually went?

I went to like three classes. And insurance covered that? I think. Or the nice church lady gave us a deal. I bet that's what it was. Yeah, you know, one of those classes, kind of like what, remember when Oprah lost a lot of weight and was like, she brought out that wheelbarrow or whatever.

Yeah, wagon all hard. Look at all this fat. Yeah. It was kind of like, this is how much sugar is in all this stuff. And I was like, whoa, that looks delicious. That sounds good. But then it didn't take then, but then like three years later, I went on a health kick and I lost like 50 pounds. And some of that did come back into my head of like,

you know, that was when like counting fat grams was the big thing. I don't know if you remember that era. Vaguely, I had a friend that was always switching diets and she did like a cabbage soup diet. And then she was eating all like fat-free cookies. It was that era, fat fat free cookie, everything. Yeah.

Snack wells and things like that. Yeah. I feel like we lived in Austin then. Yeah. Me and my friend and yeah, she was just living off of these fat free cookies and crack. She was like, this is incredible. There's none of it was good for you. I was like, there might not be fat, but there's like all these other things.

Chemical. You're not eating food. You might as well just ingest the cardboard box that came in. Yeah. But I could slam some Snack Wells cookies. Are they still around? Honestly, I don't know because yeah, that was like a big fat. Everything was fat free.

How did that count? You count fat that you eat like points? It would be like this many fat you can have this many fat grams in a day so I clearly You know none of it took too much, but I got I got healthier in high school So that's all that matters. So some of the information I got healthier in high school, so that's all that matters. So some of the information stuck, but I don't know how, I lost a bunch of weight, but I don't know how healthy I was. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's always a journey. Everything is, everything is. It is, my friend. Well, maybe our friends have some questions on their journeys. Mm-hmm, Maybe. Maybe so. I do before we get into it. I have to brag about something.

Please. I got a text from Stephanie. Yeah. Max and Finn won their first baseball game. Their team is the worst in the league. Yeah. But I don't know if I told you, but Finn was like, I think I need to join a different league. And, um, today, Finn not only hit a home run, but he hit it out of the baseball park and no kid in that league in the history of time has

hit a ball out of the baseball. Wow. That's incredible. That's not easy. No. And Stephanie sent me videos and like the whole team just jumped on top of him and Stephanie was like, I'm crying. Anyway, that's so cool. It's so great.

And then Max, I guess, stole every base and didn't get caught or, I guess, tagged out. Caught. Caught. He wasn't caught. He wasn't tagged out. So they had a pretty great, they had a double header. Amazing.

Yeah, yeah, pretty cool. Look at them keeping it handsome. I know, they really are. That's awesome. High fives to Max and Finn. High fives, and yes, we can get into what our handsome and pretty little listeners are wanting to ask us.

That's right. All right, this question comes from Belle. Belle of the ball. G'day, handsome from Sydney, New South Wales in Australia. I hope you're all doing well. Low key, have a crush on May, feel good. That show, Awakening, excellent. Anyway, my question for you all is why does fortune always have to be the one that gets

in trouble? Thank you. I feel like you need to be getting in trouble a bit. I feel like when I see or hear someone do something wrong in my head, I go, fortune, and I feel like this should be a TIG equivalent. That's right. Anyway. Okay.

TIG. What a letdown for Belle that May isn't even here to answer this or talk about it. It's just me and you. I was going to say join the list. A lot of people think May's hot, which we totally get. It's a very handsome group here. Yeah. I mean, take your pick of handsoms.

That's right. Always May. Belle, it's a thing we have to go through us and Jennifer Lopez. We're very handsome. What is that? Tic, that was, that was my Australian accent. I know, but why Jennifer Lopez? Like I.

It's one of the few names I can say in an Australian exit is Jennifer Lopez. Okay. I was like, well, this must be a line in a movie. I don't understand what's happening. No, I can only say two words very well. Jennifer Lopez and razor blades. I can't, I can't do that accent. It's hard. Not all of it. Not everyone can be a chameleon like me. I can only do that accent. It's hard.

Not all of it. Not everyone can be a chameleon like me. I can only do Cajun. I don't know that I could do Cajun. Oh, you can't do Cajun, you. Hey, buddy, you better learn how to do Cajun. I don't know. Cajuns are probably like, she can't do that.

It kind of sounds like a Boston. No, it's not Boston. Is that Ben Affleck? Come here, you. Come here, you, let me cut your hair you. That is not Boston. I wonder if we have any Cajun listeners, we've got to. There's gotta be, yeah. So I should get in trouble.

Yeah, why am I getting in trouble? Well, because you are- I'm nodding. Yeah, but you're a good little girl. I'm a pretty little lady. You're a pretty little lady. You went to church. You made good grades.

You know, you listen to your... Rule follower. Yeah, you follow rules. So when you talk about sweaty hot balls, I'm so deeply disappointed in you, Fortune. I know. balls. I'm so deeply disappointed in you, Fortune. I think, I know, but it is fun to get you riled up sometimes. Although many of the times Tig's doing it, it's for comedic effect. I would say every single time. There hasn't been one. Oh, the first time might've been a genuine Fortune.

What was it? Do you remember? I don't know. I probably said something dirty about hand jobs or something. That was your genuine reaction. And then everyone got a kick out of it. And so now it's for comedic effect. But now, and still, and maybe we've talked about it, some people don't get the joke and think that I am actually really upset with you.

Which is hilarious. Which is hilarious. And we can't stop the ride for that. Yeah, because Jags read something a couple weeks ago and they're like, they're like, did something happen in the podcast, somebody thought Tig was mad at you? I go, Tig's not mad at me. I go, I don't know what we were talking about, but I can assure you Tig wasn't mad at me. That I was mad at you personally?

Yeah, that you sounded annoyed or something. I'm like, it was 100% a bit whatever it was. Here's the problem. I have a very dry delivery and sometimes I pretend to be upset. Like I was just at a pizza party and somebody was showing me or I was showing them something on my oh I was showing the home run that Finn made and the girl touched my phone and I was like, oh, oh no. And I pulled it away from her and said, I'm sorry, you can't please not touch my phone. And she did look at me for a second, like, oh, I'm sorry.

That kind of thing. So whatever. Jackson was more of like, what did you do to annoy Teng? Oh, did she really think? Really? I was like, I didn't do anything. I might have been naughty or dirty. Yeah, that's all that's ever happening. But if do you feel like I should get in trouble, Fortune?

And how should I get in trouble? Well, that's the thing. There's not much that you could say that I think would shock me or me have that reaction. Now, May, on the other hand, has had some shocking revelations being, you know, very sex positive, which is amazing. But sometimes I clutch my pearls. Yes. And then I yell at you.

And then I get in trouble. That's what's, that's all right. I think so Crazy about being a comedian especially for so long. Mm-hmm nothing Real, I mean I'll speak for myself. It's hard to offend me same. It's hard to hurt my feelings Same I've had people Say, you know like hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about this, that time that, you know, I said this or that to you.

And I'm like, first of all, who are you? New number of who it is. Yeah, no, but like, I, it's just, it's really, I think it's such a different world because comedians sit around and tease and joke and tell weird stories and reveal everything. And so then somebody comes along and they're like, hey, can you not use my whatever?

And it's like, yeah, no problem. And then they apologize later for telling you not to use something. Yeah. And it's like, and it was a big deal for them to speak up. But then you're just like, I have people saying horrible things all the time around me or to me. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm the same. I'm not easily offended. I don't get my feelings hurt easy. Like, I'm just used to, yeah, you can be like talking with a bunch of comedians being vulnerable and then they're making fun of you five minutes later. It's like-

Absolutely. Part of the deal. Yeah. And we all do it to each other. Yes. And we all have different ways of doing it, different deliveries, all sorts of things. And that's what makes it fun and interesting. That's a song.

That's the song that we're singing together in Windville. In Windville. Well, I don't think we answered the question for Bill. I think we did. Did we? Yeah. And here's the answer. The reason I don't get in trouble is because no one's actually getting in trouble. There you go fortune See yeah. All right next question Hi handsome podcast. This is Jean from Peoria, Illinois and the question I have for you three comedic geniuses is

What joke have you heard from another comedian that has made its way into your daily lexicon? Like you bring it up to your significant other while you're walking around the house cleaning or have a joke with your friends about it or, you know, a family joke where you bring it up. Do you have a joke you love? Well, I mean, I really love this concept. I don't know that it's like infiltrated my day to day life. I mean, there's so many little gems out there. I mean, you have one that I think I've told you I just love the like,

because she's my best friend. Yeah. When I heard that years ago, I was like, oh my God, that is so funny. I think that's, that was that joke of yours that like put you on a map in my brain, you know what I mean? When you like are really aware of somebody. Like you got, that's what got my attention. And then the comedian Bill Hicks, I love this concept so much. I just think it's so smart and silly and great and true. But he talked about why is it that when people are on drugs, that they only think they can

fly when they're on top of a building, not when they're just on the street. I just think that is so funny to picture to picture somebody like flapping their arms, walking down the street saying like, I can fly. It feels very 70s or 60s for people to think they can fly when they're on drugs. I haven't heard about anybody thinking they can fly anymore. That was during the time when they were like warning us not to take, was it PCP? You remember? Yeah, uppers and downers. during the time when they were like warning us not to take was it was it PCP? You remember?

Yeah, uppers and downers like don't take downers. Because they played they used to play that on that PSA and when I was in school of the girl jumping through the window or something. Oh, because she took PCP. I don't even what Oh, is that the same as angel dust? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Because I remember growing up being like, do not do angel dust. Yeah. What was that? PCP, angel dust. You're going to think you can fly. And then they would show that PSA to us. And we were like, oh my God, this is terrible. Yeah, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to jump through a window. No, thank you. Yeah. What about you? I love stories, obviously, because that's what I lean into. Nate Briggetti has many stories I love. But he has a whole bit about ordering coffee with cream in Starbucks and they end up giving him coffee with whipped cream. So he goes through this whole thing of like being an adult man, like why would he order

coffee with whipped cream? It's just, you have to listen to it. I can't do it justice. That bit and him, they might both be from his Tennessee kid special, I want to say. That one, and he drove by a horse that he thought was dead. And he went through a whole scenario of what he and his friends would have to do to help pick up a dead horse. Both are so funny. I'll have to check that out. But one joke that, and I couldn't quote a

single other joke of his, but this one I saw at the Comedy Store and it made me laugh. Nate of Theovon. a joke once where he goes, so, so my cousin got bit by gay. And then he has this long pause and he goes, so we'll see. It made me laugh. I was like, cause you know, when you hear Thea set something up, you're like, Oh God, what is he about to say? And it just, it went in this whole other direction that I was not expecting. And it made me laugh. So we'll see.

So my cousin got bit by gay. So we'll see. That's funny. What was that first thing that you said about Nate? The coffee with cream? Oh, yeah. Yeah. When Stephanie and I were going to Mississippi for my father's memorial, it was like out in the middle of nowhere. And we stopped at

some diner or something. I mean, just a middle of nowhere, Mississippi kind of place. And they sold coffee. And Stephanie was like, Oh, they sell, you know, coffee. Let's stop in there for coffee. And I was like, this is not going to be like, you know, like a fine roasted bean. No, no, this is not even going to be Starbucks. And so we go in and she ordered a coffee. It might've been a latte or something. Not only was it burnt, terrible, disgusting, but the woman behind the counter did say,

you want some whipped cream on that? Stephanie was like, whipped cream? I was like, yeah. She was so confused and I was like, yeah, I don't think that this isn't a latte. Even if you ordered a latte, this is not a latte. Oh, I will say too, your Taylor Dane story, it comes on quite a bit on like SiriusXM on different comedy channels. And I will, I have sat outside like a gas station and just listened to the whole story.

Oh my god. That's a 13 or 14 minute story. Well sometimes I'll just sit there and listen. Wow. Well that's kind of you. It's so funny. Can I tell you what it started out as? What?

20 minutes. 20? And I remember the first time I tried it out, I was at the Moore theater. This is so many years ago and I had not gotten it worked out and it was still at the 20 minute length and I essentially told a boring story that bombed for 20 minutes and then cause it's so even at 14 minutes, if it's not going well, it's a struggle. Yeah.

And I buckled in. You went in for it. I went in for it and I will never forget it. And I'm sure the audience won't either. My apologies if you were there for that. And look what it turned into though. Yeah. Well, it's your jeans answer.

Yeah. The one we have is from a member of the Handsome Podcast and it is Fortune, you hadn't swam. And my wife and I say that conservatively 10 times a week to each other at some point. Thanks a lot for your answer. Really loved the show. That's so great.

That was my story about, for my sweet and salty special where I couldn't do the butterfly. So I ran across the pool. Well, you've made it into the hearts and minds. That's right. Of Gene and crew. Gene, that's so sweet.

And many others too, Fortune. I did forget about his part of it being part of your daily life. I don't think I'm yelling anyone's joke on a daily basis, but these are jokes I think of quite a bit. Same. I don't think I have anything from anybody stand up to it. But that would be like if you're a dentist and you're like constantly talking about another dentist and their work, you know, I mean, yeah, kind of.

It's pretty much the same thing. It's exactly the same. All right. Well, I think that's it for this pretty little episode. Yeah, this was fun. Chat with you. And yeah, just make sure you submit your question to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. Yeah, ask us a question. Yeah, ask us a question. We can't wait to hear from you.

And until next time, huh? Keep it Pretty Handsome. us at handsomepod.gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.