Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #14

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Fortune and Mae discuss birthday trips, parody songs, and irrational fears on a delightfully funny Pretty Little Episode!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

When you get a home insurance quote with Allstate, you might be pleasantly surprised. They make it easy to switch and save without the hassle or the headache. Home insurance doesn't have to be complicated, so give Allstate a try today. Check Allstate first, because you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state? Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to all state and reported savings. Savings vary. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Pretty little Episode. I'm your host, Fortune Feimster.

Joined, of course, by me, Mae Martin. Mae! Martin! Buddy, you have been going through it there in Toronto, filming crazy scenes. I don't know what in the world you are in right now. I know. And then I don't want to give spoilers and stuff, but when I talk about it, it reminds me of like, my mom was writing this book for a while and she would drop things and be like, like I was reading a newspaper article where a guy in Japan hid in a composting toilet and filmed women.

And then she'd go, oh, something similar happens in my book. And we'd all be like, what is this book about? And that's kind of what it feels like when I tell you guys about the show. I'm like, I was filming this thing and it's like, what is this show? I don't really know anymore. Also, you have to really love, what's the word? Buttholes? Buttholes, vaginas to hide in compost. And to see it at such a very close up angle.

What are you even seeing? It's darkness. I think it's about more than just liking, like to me that feels like you like getting peed and pooed on. Oh God, I can't believe this is where we're. Oh, I can't about that part, Mae. He was in a wetsuit. This is a true news story.

Well, that is helpful. But yeah, that's a weird kink. I'm glad I'm very not into that stuff, but that is funny that your mom's like, very similar to my book. Yeah, it'll be random things. Yeah, she'll see a pigeon eating It'll yeah, she'll see like a pigeon eating sort of an old dumpling on the street. Like makes me think of my book. I'm like,

what is happening in this book? Y'all are both creative writers in that way. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. How are you? How's, how's the fam? What's going on? Everybody's good. I just got back from a friend's birthday trip. A birthday trip is like a trip. Bold. Yeah, it's super fun, but also a lot of people. Right. And did you know, did you know all the other people? I know I knew them, but not everybody's super well.

So Jackson and I were the friends trying to like mind our P's and Q's and like, does anybody need anything? You know, what can we help with? Like, you don't want to be like the two people everyone's like, God, they haven't done anything. Yeah. They can clean up after dinner, you know, something like that. Oh, I know. Don't you think that big groups breed that kind of thing? Of course. So and so did this. And even if people say they're not,

there's someone there who's got an internal list of who brought what, who did what. Yeah. Who's contributed, who's paid for what, who's cleaned, who hasn't, and we didn't wanna be the bad ones. I'm always like just telling me what to do because I just won't think of it

where I'll get, I'm just having a nice time but it's not that I don't want to help and contribute like I went on one group trip and then everyone was packing up to leave and I guess I was like I gotta go quickly do a spell so I wrote I had decided like that on this weekend I was gonna write down my wishes it was a new moon buried it under a plant okay so I'm like in like, in my mind, that's a priority. So we're like all packing up. I'm like, Oh, got to remember to, so I leave and yeah. And then on the ride home, everyone was really quiet cause I guess they'd been

cleaning the whole Airbnb and I'd been like, I just didn't even think of it. They're like soap. Totally. They were pissed because everyone's cleaning and you're outside just like, you know, doing like your hands, like a magic trick. And you're like, this is equally important. They're like, but it's not. I'm like, we're all gonna benefit from the spell guys.

Like what is the benefit of, why do you end the trip with a spell? Please tell me first and our listeners. Well, I don't know. In this particular case, I think it was a spell, please tell me first and our listeners. Well, I don't know, in this particular case, I think it was a new, I mean, what if we're living in a simulation and all of reality is just based on our intention? Okay. So if you're going,

hey, my intention is this, this is what I want, I don't know, look, I sound really spiritual these days, I'm really, you know. Well, when I think of spells, I guess I'm thinking of the TV version where I'm putting a spell on you. Oh, like a curse or a love potion. No, I would love a love potion.

Either one, it can go either way. But a spell I don't think of in terms of like, we had a great weekend and let me close this weekend with a mantra, prayer, whatever. Yeah, a reflection, but really, truly in my mind, it was like, okay, Rose is doing the dishes, Camille is emptying the garbage, Mae is doing the spell. I was like, I'm an important part of this. And Mae has not been invited back to a group trip since. I used to be the person and I probably still guilty of this and the same, like,

tell me what you need, tell me what to do. I'll do it. And I've learned from Jax to be a little bit more proactive because she's super proactive, so I was trying to be like cleaning up more and unloading the dishwasher more and, oh, we don't have ice, let's get some ice at the store, that kind of thing. I was pretty proud of myself.

Now I haven't taken a poll from the whole group. Maybe they feel differently. There's a WhatsApp group that you're not on called Processing Fortune's Behavior. That's right, but it was fun. But I am so glad to be home. Not anything to do with that. I just was not anticipating going on a trip. That was very last minute. And I was like in the mode of home from filming after five months, back from Europe. I had this amount of time between my next tour, I'm so pumped to be home and I was like, oh, back away again.

Yeah, so, but now I'm home. I'm excited to get into a routine. Yeah, I'm excited for you. I'm excited for you being excited for me. And we're excited for what? What? Questions. From our pretty little handsome listeners.

This is literally the perfect lead in for this question. Oh great. Is it about spells? You'll see. I put a spell on you. Did you ever listen to that song? Did I ever? Batmiddler's version.

Because you're mine. Is that the words? I don't know. Yeah. Hi, how are you? I'm good. Did I ever, Batmiddler's version. Because you're mine. Is that the words? I don't know. Yeah. Hi, handsome pod. This is Ryan and Tia, and we live in Nashville, Tennessee area.

Hi. And our question for you is if you have any fun little parody songs that you like to sing around the house, either to other people that live in your house with you or to yourself. Fun little parody songs. either to other people that live in your house with you or to yourself. Oh man. Fun little parody songs. Parody songs. Because I started doing musical comedy where I would change the lyrics to existing songs.

And then I heard some interview with one of my favorite comedians being like, that's the lowest form of comedy. I was like, oh no. So I used to have a ton of like, Yeah, because you play guitar. You know, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. So I had, feed me pies, feed me chicken pies.

So stupid. And I had a song about Don Cheadle and having sex with Don Cheadle. Oh. In fantasy and it was to the tune of what's going on. I can't do it now. Don Cheadle, have sex with me like that. It was like, and so I wake, okay,

cause I saw him, I saw him filming a movie on the roof beside my apartment basically. So then I wrote this fantasy about like, oh, I can't actually remember it, but basically. So I wake in the morning and I look outside and Don Cheadle's on the roof. And he looks so high. I wanna get on Don Cheadle right now.

Pretty much, yeah. And it got pretty graphic and then somebody- And we're gonna bone, bone, we're gonna bone. Oh yeah. Don Cheadle and me. That doesn't rhyme, but you know, it's a working song. Yeah, but the energy's there. It's horny as hell.

And then somebody sent it to his agent, like someone who knew his agent personally. Oh, wait, you put this out, this song out? I did it live and filmed it and I had a video of it and then someone sent it. And then Don Cheadle actually responded to me and he sent me a photo of him watching me sing it. And he's like making this face like what the fuck and then we kind of used to tweet at each other back and forth and then this was like 15 years ago or more yeah then cut to last year i'm backstage at a kind of event

yeah i look over he's wearing a covid mask but i'm like unmistakably that's cheetal and i thought he's not gonna remember like i mean i look totally different now but i i'm like, unmistakably, that's Cheetal. And I thought he's not going to remember. Like, I mean, I look totally different now, but I'm like, I have to say something. I love Don Cheetal. Yeah. And so I went up and yeah, right. He's so effortlessly cool. And he was with his wife and I go up and I go, hey, I'm so sorry.

You're not going to know who I am. And he goes, I know who you are. And I'm like, oh, I went, I just need to tell you, I'm not creepy and weird. And he was like, no, I got it. It was funny. And then I sat down, we chatted for ages. Oh, yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Anyway, that's my story. What a parody song. Well, you're singing nonstop. I'm singing all the time, but I don't know if it's a parody. The first thing that, you know, well, the classic, it's not a parody, but my friend's song from the groundlings back door, but whole I sing that More actually like sing it to yourself. Oh, yeah

And now giggle. It's the same as a front hole But it won't put a baby in the oven Um, is there a parody song I don't know that I have an actual parody. No, you're just singing like beautiful covers of existing songs. What I do is I sing songs and I often am singing the wrong words. Right. And then does Jax correct you? No, because she knows none of the lyrics. Oh, right.

I at least know like 80% of the song. Right. Do you ever sing something when you want to give a criticism or a feedback, but you don't want it to be too biting so you're like, can you throw away your garbage? Like people do that passive aggressively, right? I'm sure they do. I haven't done that before, but I sing and don't even know that I'm singing they do. I haven't done that before but I Sing and don't even know that I'm singing. Yeah, I was singing with someone recently. This is a humble brag But the you know the band the chicks do I I Was saying I got them to sing on karaoke their own song. Yes

They were hesitant. They're like, you don't wanna hear that. I go, I 100% want to hear that. That's all anyone wants. And they're like, nah, I go, yes. So we went and sang from the first album, like the classics. Oh man, that's cool. And I was like, nervous because I was like, oh God, they're going to be looking at me singing to them

their own song. What if I don't know all the lyrics? Oh, don't get me started. And I messed up a couple, but I was really, I was locked in as much as I could be. Looking at Natalie, Natalie was looking at me and we're saying, there's a trouble, there's a trouble, keep seeing double with the wrong one. I like that. Classic country from the nineties. I need to get into their music more.

I'm going to, I'm going to do a deep dive. Oh, they're amazing. Their latest album, Gaslighter, cause they've, you know, gone far away from country for a long time now. But they still, Emily and Marty play those amazing instruments. So it always has like a hint of that because it has banjo and they have fiddle. But man, that album is really, really good. You got to listen to it. Okay, I will.

But anyway, I didn't answer the question because I don't have a parody song, but I love to sing, so. I think the butthole song counts. Thank you, friend. Should we hear what these friends said? Ryan and Nashville. We sure should. Our answer for this is Handsome Pod related,

and it's for our dog. And we like to sing, scratching the head of a handsome dog sing scratching the head of a handsome dog kissing the face of a handsome dog. That's so good. I love that. You have to sing that to Biggie. Scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie, you want to hit, look he's right here on the desk.

Oh my god. Scratching the head of a handsome dog. You like that biggie? Scratching the head of a handsome dog. That's really good. Handsome homeowners, we want to help you save on your home insurance. That's why we're proud to be sponsored by Allstate. With Allstate, they're not just saving you money, they're saving you time by making it easy to get a quote without all the headache. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched

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ordinary. Thanks for the question, Ryan. Let's keep them coming. Hi, handsome's. Take 27. Pretty little lady here. My name is Jana. I am from May's hometown of Toronto. Fortunately, I've been lucky enough to meet you in the past. Yes. Tig, I don't want you to feel left out at all. Hopefully, one day our paths will cross too, but love you guys all. I do have a question. Do you have any irrational fears, something that has no bearing as to why you should or would be afraid of it, it's completely irrational, but you are afraid.

Interesting. Oh, hmm. This isn't like a, it's a fear in a different sense of the fear you're thinking of, but I have something very rational that gives me the willies. Yeah. And it's, anytime I tell people about it, they're like, what? And I'm like, I know, it's so stupid. I've had this since I was a kid.

I think it's mental at this point and it's not changing. But I cannot stand the feeling of biting into a strawberry. Oh, I know you said this. Okay, yeah. Tiny little seeds. Yes, okay, I did know this about you. Like make me a, if I see like a blender

with like a bunch of blackberries or strawberries and the seeds are at the bottom, like I can't even look at it. I'm like, wow, give it away for me. That feels like past life shit. Right? Because it makes no sense. No, it doesn't. It feels like you caught some illness

from a raspberry seed. Yeah. And so I can't even, like, if I, the thought of biting down on those hard little seeds, like, I have a fear of that. Like, I'm gonna accidentally just like chomp on a bunch of seeds. I'm like, oh God.

I get that. So that's like a, yeah, like a visceral, my one like that is people touching my face. Like, if I'm in love with you, touch my face please, as much as you want, as much as you can. But like friends who like, or randoms, who just put their hands on your face, I'm like, get your hands off me.

I hate people touching my face. Even like in massages and stuff, I say don't touch my face. I say yeah, I do the no face thing too. No face. And then also I don't touch my face. I say yeah, I do the no face thing too. No face. And then also I don't like the smell of people blow drying their hair in the change room. Like I don't wanna smell your, both these things I don't want it

unless I'm in love with you. So I don't wanna smell your hot head if I'm not in love with you. You know what I mean? Yeah. But other than that, I fear deep water, which is rational, I think. That is rational for sure.

Cause I fear sharks, but that's also rational because they keep biting everyone lately. Yeah, I fear death, I fear dying alone. I fear all those things, but that's normal. Yeah, absolutely. So nothing irrational about that. Except I guess it is irrational that we, like it's way more dangerous just to cross the street,

but we're like sharks are really a threat. Well, I just stay out of their home. Yeah. You know what I mean? I stay on the beach and I look at their home. Really? You don't- And I say, what a beautiful home you have, and I don't go in it. That's my thing,

because we are technically going into their home and then going, ugh, it bit me. Oh, it bit me. Yeah, that's true. And what if they had a little sign on their shark home that said, bite first, ask questions later. That's right, or it says, bite me.

Yeah. Can I quickly say, I don't know if this, I think it's a different Jana who's who left this question, but there's a person in Toronto called Jana Watson. And basically one day I'm walking down the street. I hadn't been home in a long time, a couple of years walking down the street. I see who should step in front of me. Jana Watson. I go, Oh my God, Jana Watson. It's so good to see you. I give her a hug. She's like a little standoffish. And I'm like, listen, I'm in town for a couple of weeks. It'd be great to see you. Let's get together.

She walks away. As she walks away, I realize I've never met her. That's not her, no. No, it is her. It is her. But I've just seen her in the Instagrams of my friends. She's not my friend. I just know her so well from my other friends' Instagrams.

And I'm like, oh, Jana Watson. Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious. And she was like, yeah, I guess we'll hang out. She was like, okay, nice to meet you for the first time. Yeah, yeah. I just love that you know everyone's first and last name. Got to. Ian Peach.

Ian Peach. My irrational fear is downward escalators. I'm fine with escalators going up, but escalators going down, I always hesitate taking that first step and I wait for the perfect step before I step on. I get that. Those are, some people get stuck on what is scary. You want me to give you a new irrational fear? Sure.

Maybe it's rational after I tell you this. Apparently a lot more elevators than you realize aren't there when the door opens. What do you mean? And you just step in and it's not there? Yes. Oh my Lord. You're welcome.

New irrational fear unlocked. I don't know the stats on it. I can't give you a may fact. But I've heard, oh, I've heard A, that you should always look when you press elevator button to make sure the elevator's there, because it does happen where it's just not there. People walk and shoo, that does happen.

Now, I don't think it's like, this numbers are like crazy high. I just know it happens Sure, so just look okay, but the thing that happens I think more frequently than that because that's not as frequent, but it happens is You you know when you put your arm in to stop the elevator Yeah, and we all trust that the sensors are gonna like The stat on that you don't have the actual stat.

Is that oftentimes the sensors, it doesn't stop. It doesn't work. So it just closes and then rips you on your arm. On your arm, yeah. So there are a bunch of people who've lost limbs. Again, I don't know the stats. So is it one in twenty, one in a thousand? I don't know. Guess how many people die every year from champagne corks? How many? 24. Whoa, that's on average.

That's the and that's such a preventable death. And also what how are they dying? Is the cork just going right into the brain? Right into the dome, boom. Yeah, I don't really get it, but yeah. Here's what you should do. Point it away from you or put a towel over it. But what if you point it away, it flies off, it hits the chandelier, chandelier falls, crushes you.

New irrational fear unlocked. It flies off, it severs a string that's holding up an anvil, how does a decorative anvil hovering over your bed. I also saw what someone wants, you know the manual wine openers where you twist it and then you turn kind of like jimmy the cork out. Yeah. Saw someone opening the wine, jimmy it out, she had it under her face goes, boom, with the wine thing chipped her whole front tooth. I mean, you'll live through that.

It's just not pretty. It's not pretty. And she all of a sudden had like a Jim Carrey tooth. You know, where you've got that like fake tooth. He really... Yeah, he has a chipped tooth. And he took the veneer off or whatever for Dumb and Dumber. Yeah.

So there you go. If you didn't have those fears before, you're welcome. You're welcome. You got a whole batch of new worries. Remember worry dolls? You put them under your pillow, little worry dolls. I feel like parents used to, instead of paying for therapy for their kids, they'd give them a little bag of worry dolls and you put them parents used to, instead of, you know, paying for therapy for their kids,

they'd give them a little bag of worry dolls and you put them under your pillow and they soak up your worries. Never heard of that. But I like that. Well, let us be your worry dolls. Tell us your problems and we'll make you worry more. Yeah, thank you so much for sending them in.

Keep sending them. You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod if you wanna submit a question, uh, to get, uh, one of us, handsome folks to, uh, potentially answer it. You can also pick up some merch. If you're in the mood at handsome pod.com. We got new stuff, autumnal stuff, autumnal, autumnal. Yeah.

Get that. Yeah. Go sure. and get that hoodie. I'm waiting on my hoodie so I can rock it. The weather finally changed here. Oh really? And it feels like fall. And I'm super into it. Like bright red leaves in Toronto, it's so nice.

I love it. Well this has been such a treat chatting with you my friend. Always a treat scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie snoring. Aw. Awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We hope you have an awesome rest of your day.

And don't forget to check out all three of us next Tuesday on the HandsomePod. And until then, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. And until then, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. That was a hate gum podcast. What a podcast! That was a hategum podcast. There's no better time than today to save money on home insurance, whether you're a

first-time buyer or a long-time owner. Allstate can save you cash, but they can also save you time because they make getting a quote quick and easy. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state.

Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.