Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #17

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

Tig and Mae talk woodland critters and perfect days on a pretty handsome, handsomely pretty little episode!*** Handsome has a live-streaming holi-bobs show Dec 21! Tickets at dynastytypewriter.com ***Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check you have all the ingredients before baking your signature holiday cookies. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. This is a HeadGum Podcast. and friends on the handsome pond. Pretty Little Episode. It takes me by surprise every time.

Every time. Every single time. It's a delight every time. It is, at first it's not a delight, it's just flat out shocking that it's Pretty Little Episode. I know, I don't remember ever recording that even. I don't either, I don't believe it's us, honestly.

I don't think so either. Tig, do you always feel a little bit like we're having like a clandestine meeting? Every single time. Every single, yeah. I just feel like we're cheating every time. Yeah, yeah. I think people saw it happening though.

I think they saw it coming between the two of us. The eagle-eyed, the eagle-eyed were noticing little Uh-huh, uh-huh. Glances. Now on a real note, who would be the ones out of the three of us that would hook up? Like really, who? Who? That's a really good question. that would hook up? Like really, who?

That's a really good question. I think I could flirt with Fortune till the cows come home and she wouldn't know that I was flirting with her. Like it wouldn't even occur to her. Whereas I feel like if I went hard on you, there might be some cracks I could get in there. Like you might at least know what I was doing. Not cracks in your relationship, but you'd be like, okay.

Okay. Yeah. And then the ball would be in your court. So you feel like you could break me down a bit? I think at least I'd get in your head. You'd be falling asleep at night thinking, that was weird today. Yeah. Interesting. What, that was weird today. Yeah, interesting. What was that about? Yeah.

And how would you flirt with me? Cause we're coworkers and we don't really hang out too much because we're in different countries. So how are you gonna make this known to me? Okay, it's gonna start with just- We're Zoom coworkers. Okay, this is how it's gonna start. And Thomas is always there.

He's always the bearing witness. Yeah, and he's got headphones on, listening, and he's got a camera watching. So how are you gonna get in here with me? Okay, first, we're gonna log on to do a regular episode. So Fortune's here, Thomas is here, you're here. And weirdly, I just, I only say hi to you. I go, hi, Tig. Like that's how it starts.

And you completely ignore Fortune. Well, later, you know, I'm chatting, but just a little hi, Tig. And then that'll get in my head. I'll be like, wow, I wonder why May didn't say hi to Fortune. Yeah, yeah. And then it might, because we're in different cities, it might be a little handwritten things appear in the mail from a secret admirer. Really? And you think the high TIG and then me getting handwritten top secret stuff in my mailbox, I'd connect the two? I don't know if the high TIG would be enough. That's a stretch because I'm,

it takes a lot for me. You basically have to say, I like you. Okay, well that's where, that would be my next step. Oh, I told you the secret. Now I'm vulnerable. How would you flirt with me? Oh. And let's say this has really lodged itself in your mind and for some reason you've decided this is the right move.

Well, here's how I think I flirt with everyone. Yeah. But also it's what I do to people I'm not even flirting with, which is I tease them. I know, I know. And so I wouldn't distinguish. I might be like, oh, Tig's going really hard on me. And I'd be giggling, I'd be laughing.

You'd be giggling. I would be laughing. You'd be giggling. I would be giggling like a school girl. Okay, and then do you tease people when you're trying to get something going on? I do, but also usually the people that I'm going for are sort of high status, and they're the ones making fun of me. And so I just kind of fall into that role role and then I kind of amp it up.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I've been accused of flirting with people that I wasn't flirting with. Because you were making fun of them in a really charming way. I just like, I don't know if it was charming. I think it might've been relentless. Bullying.

No, not bullying, but just like, oh my God. There's certain personalities. You just, you can't stop me. I can't be stopped. I mean, there is something nice when someone makes fun of you, it's like they see you. They're paying extra attention. They're noticing your weird little quirks and stuff.

For sure, for sure. noticing your weird little quirks and stuff. For sure, for sure. Okay. And your normal little quirks. Yeah, exactly. Normal and weird quirks. Okay, so I'd kind of noticed that you were doing that more than usual. Yeah.

And then how would you cross the line? How would you? How would I get this going on? Like a late night text, you up? It's 1 a.m.? Well, yeah, I guess I might be up because I do have trouble sleeping. So maybe I would just text you and say, hi, Mae. Oh my God, that would honestly be a lie. That's a really cool move.

I'd be like, take notice my high TIG. Yeah. And then hi, May. But it would come like weeks later, you know, because I would have thought it out. I'd think it through. I'd be like, oh, this is coming on too hard here. Right. You play a really long game.

Oh, when I was interested in Stephanie, I texted her once a month. Yeah, that's impressive. I'm like verbal diarrhea texting, sending memes. Sending memes, like I always get confused with memes and emojis. Memes are like little short videos. Yeah, or a picture. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Actually, maybe I wouldn't do that. Maybe I'd be cooler than that at this stage in my life. I don't think so. I don't think so either. My inbox would be full of memes. But do you agree that we'd be the more likely pair out of the three of us, or do you think you and Fortune would have something going on?

I feel like Fortune would respond to both of us like, I don't know, bud. Yeah, yeah. You know, just real like, yeah, I'm gonna go home with Biggie and Jacks, bud. And then you and I are like, okay, well, we're gonna hook up then. Yeah.

If we can't have Fortune, we're gonna hook up. Exactly, exactly. Oh, well I'm glad we got that out of the way. Me too, me too. How's your day going? Good, I have a lot of lines and Holly Hunter, the star of our show, likes to rehearse. So sometimes that takes up my weekends.

Right, I respect that, I'm a rehearser. Listen, I respect it so much. I just, it makes me nervous. Because I guess I am used to showing up to a scene prepared and I guess I am prepared. I can't even say I'm used to showing up prepared because I struggle in this line of work. But rehearsal, you're really fumbling through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Early stage and I don't know. But I think it's ultimately great for everybody to have rehearsal time.

There was once, there was a guy in my show, Feel Good, who we had written in the script that he had to do chin-ups or pull-ups, either one. It was like, he has to do like five or six. And so he spent months like learning. And then when he showed up on the day, it just wasn't the same equipment that he thought it was gonna be be and it really threw him off. And that's the thing with rehearsing sometimes you might get it one way in your head and then you show up and the director

says something totally different. Oh no. Yeah, yeah for sure. Well hopefully I don't have to do any of that sort of exercising because I'm definitely not prepared for that. You show up and they're like, we were thinking this starts with you pumping iron. Yeah. This scene. Twice your body weight. Yeah.

But that's, it's good. And what about your day? Yeah, my day's good. I went to the gym and I'm really noticing. Pumping iron. I was pumping iron. Mm-hmm. I was getting big. Nice. But I'm really noticing that I was pumping iron, I was getting big.

Nice. But I'm really noticing that I'm a messy person. Like the place I'm staying is so messy and I've barely been here anytime and I'm having to like face myself and look. And you just noticed you're messy? Yeah, maybe. Like I leave cupboard doors open.

It's not like dirty, like food mess, but just empty boxes. You're pretty tidy, yeah? I am tidy, but I have a problem area, which is my, I think I've talked about it, my kids art pile. Oh. And it is growing massively. And I'm, you know, in the back of my mind,

I'm like, I'm gonna do something with this. And I think a lot of parents do that. I just saw a thing advertised where you can send it away and they scan it. I know. Everybody's told me this, but I wanna do something with the actual art. Right, right.

But I'll sort this out. I went to stay at my friend's house and she had made a quilt out of like old jeans and stuff. I think it was like a loved one had passed. She made this quilt out of all their old clothes. Before I left, because I was staying in the guest bedroom, I left a little note in one of the pockets of the jeans that have been used in the quilt. And I was just like, whoever finds it, finds it. No one might ever find it. Yeah. yeah. Well, if it gets washed, it's gone. That's true.

Yeah, but being a messy person, you wouldn't know about washing quilts. Oh no, I'm obsessed with laundry. Oh, okay. I love doing laundry. Right, I love too. But then I don't have to fold it. Oh yeah, yeah, you love it. I love it. I find it relaxing and it makes me feel like

I'm taking care of my family. Yes. Getting their little clothes ready for the week and you know, all that kind of stuff. Folding their little clothes. Oh my God. Yeah. So matching socks and all that. Did you ever, before you kind of settled, like, like when I was first kind of living in my own places and stuff, did you go to the laundromat ever? Did you have that?

That was a big part of my life for a while. Yeah, yeah, I definitely went there. I remember Sarah Silverman went with me one time to do my laundry and she pulled one of my flannels out and she said, if I didn't know you were here, I would think there was a little tiny lumberjack doing laundry. A tiny lumberjack.

Jack doing laundry. A tiny lumberjack. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check that you have your passport before heading over the pond for a handsome holly bob. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only.

Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate firing casualty insurance company and affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois. But yeah, I used to spend a good amount of time in laundromats. Me too. Yeah. Those are the days where you could be bored

and enjoy boredom and just sit there, watch the clothes turn. Yes. There'd be some shitty TV on the wall playing like Dr. Phil. Oh my God, nobody would possibly do that now. I know. Yeah.

It's all phones. Also internet cafes, people used to go and just spend 14 hours playing Diablo or video games and they would just live off of like ramen noodles and chips. And I don't think that's a culture anymore. Wow, not even familiar. It was crazy. There was a guy called Diablo Dave in Toronto, who I think lived in an internet cafe. Wow. Just playing for and he would make money by selling like items that you can collect in the game. He'd be like, well, I got a battle axe. You can buy it for $4.

You know, it's very likely he's listening to us. I hope so. Yeah. Should we see what our listeners want to ask us? Maybe there'll be a question from him. Sure. Good evening, handsoms. My name is Shem.

It's a little bit after midnight here in Salt Lake City and I'm up with my new son, baby Zeke, who is not quite three weeks old. We would love to know if you were part of a community of woodland creatures and also a small business owner, what animal would you be and what would be your job? For example, you could be a squirrel that runs a bakery or a tortoise that provides affordable marriage counseling. Oh my gosh. That's one of my favorite questions we've had in a while.

Yeah, it's good. And I immediately know that I'd be a beaver working on the dam. Working on the dam. Just on your own dam? Or can people hire you to work on their dams? I mean, I'm for hire, for sure. But man, what is better than seeing a beaver working their little beaver face and teeth off, just trying to get everything? The fact that animals know what they're supposed to do is the craziest thing in the world.

That's so true, actually, like that the beaver's not like, I'll build a tree house. It's like, no. No world. That's so true actually, like that the beaver's not like, well, I'll build a tree house. It's like, no. No, I gotta build a dam. And then here comes the new babies building the dam. But I guess that's what beavers do.

And maybe I'm being asked or we're being asked, what would we do? Yeah, like a little business, like what's the beaver's passion aside from, you know. Yeah, I would say the beaver probably works at the tennis courts. I love that there's tennis courts. Are they using little acorns for balls?

Probably, but they're using their little tail. Oh my God, yes. Like it's the test. That's right. Is exactly it. Smack. I love that. What about you?

I would be an old badger and I live, I'm a sort of bachelor and I live in my little badger den and I make, I'm a sculptor. And yeah, and you can commission stuff and you can bring found objects and I'll turn them into art. And yeah, I'm a Badger sculptor, I think. Wow, and tiny sculptures or math?

I'm changing my mind about it all. Can I be a rabbit that makes soup? I wanna be a rabbit. Oh my God. I would hope there's carrots in there. Yeah, a rabbit that is making this really good smelling soup out of my little rabbit warren and you can come and I'll give you a little cup of soup. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, that's better than this old bachelor badger who you bring garbage to and he turns it into art. I don't like that. Yeah, out that goes. Yeah, should we hear what Shem has to say? I would be a porcupine that runs a 24 hour library. Porcupines are ridiculous and beautiful. And I would love to be able to go to get a new book

at four in the morning. Thanks, love the show. Great. I mean, Shem is just hitting it. Yeah, and also he said it was midnight when he was sending this message. So, well, it sounds like a midnight message. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Shem and congrats on your little tiny, uh, cub.

Yes. And on your 24 hour library. Yeah. I can't wait to hear what the little cub does for a living in the woods. Oh my God. Zeke. Zeke. All right, let's move it along. Hi, handsoms. My name's Lucy, a long-term listener, love the pod. I live in England and I'm hoping that my accent might sway you to feature my question. I know you're always talking about cute accents and I don't know if mine's cute but here we go it's British so it's worth a shot. My question is that I want you to imagine that you are 80 years old and you have a genie come to you and the genie says you're 80 years old you can go back and have one perfect day

from any point in your life and you get to pick what day that is and you get to relive it and redo it but you've probably then only got a few months left and then you're going to snuff it or you can have another five years so you'll live till you're 85 but it's just going to be kind of your average life between 80 and 85. So yeah, I would like to know what you would choose. And in this scenario, you're not doing great, she's saying. I mean, I guess you just live an average life for five years, right? Right.

Or you go out in a bang. Go out in a bang. And when you go back and live the perfect day, I wonder if you're still 80 or you go back to being young. Yeah, I guess we just have to decide. I feel like- From her answer, it's like you're back in that day, however you were that day.

Okay, okay. And then you die right after that? Yes. I, you know, I think because I have children, I would take the average, the average long stretch, just because I'd wanna see, I wanna see what goes on with them. I wanna see what they become, what their life is,

what they're up to, how they're doing. I think I'm gonna take the five years too, because even if your life is average or your health isn't great, you can read books and yeah, five years is a long time. No, I'm going to take the five years. Yeah, also in the five years, someone might invent something that means you upload your consciousness and live another hundred years.

And somebody might invent something that could make those five years not so average. Yeah. Yeah. So hold out hope for that. Or they could invent a time machine and then you could also have the one day. There's so many options. Yeah. I don't even know what day I would choose because I'd also be worried that I'd go back and it wouldn't be what I remembered or I'd mess it up. Yeah. You don't want to take that chance. Yeah. Okay. We're both taking

the five years. Yeah. Another example we're both taking the five years. Yeah. Another example of how compatible we are. Truly. This episode is very sexy. I would choose to go back and have one perfect day. I don't really know what it's like to be 80, but my grandparents said it's meh, you know, take it or leave it. So I think I would go back and I would choose, I know exactly what

day it is. It's a Sunday and me and my husband have not had children yet. So we're not permanently exhausted and we are lying in bed on a Sunday morning and it's a beautiful day. I'm just cuddling up and my husband just said to me, do you want to go for a roast dinner at the pub? And I was like, yeah, okay. And we just did. And it was great food. And then we had a lazy dog walk and just watched telling and it was just so peaceful and so calm. And I don't know why it was one of the best days ever, but it just was, you know, I, that's a great day, but I have to be honest. It also sounds like a classic day of an 80 year old. That's so true. A lazy, like where the highlight is a pub lunch. Yeah, yeah.

Also so funny that she wants to go back to before her kids were born. I know. Lucy. Classic Lucy, that's our Lucy. That's our Lucy. I love Lucy. Yeah, very British answer as well. Yeah.

Couldn't be more British. Yeah. I mean, through pub in there, you got to. A lovely, perfect day. Well, we did it, Mae. We pulled it off again. We pulled it off again, and we were able to be professional, even though there's a lot simmering between us.

Yeah, we kept it together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we kept it together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we did. For now. For now, beads of sweat pouring down my... Well, Diablo Dave, if you're listening, there's still a chance for you to send in a question.

Go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. Please keep sending your questions. We're loving these. It's so fun. Yes, indeed. See if you can beat Shem's question. That was really good. Yeah.

And don't forget, tickets are available for our live streamed exciting holiday show, December 21st, and you can go to our socials to get tickets. May it was a pleasure and until next time. Keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast.

What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast.

That was a hate gum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check what time the headliner starts playing before going to a concert. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.

This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casually Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.