Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #23

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

Tig and Mae talk gerbil myths, animal communication, and major spoilers on an unforgettable Pretty Little Episode!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Pretty little episode. Hello, May Martin. Hi, Tig. How are you? I'm doing well. Welcome to the pretty little episode.

Thanks for having me and welcome to you as well. Yeah, thank you for having me. It's always a pleasure to be here. An absolute pleasure. It feels like there's like, if there's a movie of the handsome paw, then the B plot is this relationship developing in the pretty little episodes.

What is the A plot? Just the regs, you, me and fortune Fortune hanging out. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. And then I guess there's a C plot I don't know about, of you and Fortune. Exactly. Shay. Yeah, exactly. And then there's the you and Fortune. Yeah. D plot.

You have no idea. And then there's the E plot of Thomas just running around nuts. Yeah, trying to get everyone organized. Putting things on lists and stuff, doing nothing with the list. Yeah. I'd watch it. Yeah, I'd watch it.

Why not? I went to see Gladiator last night. Oh. Gladiator 2. I didn't know that was out. It's out and it is so gay, kind of. I mean, it's just glistening men fighting. It was really, I loved it. I had a great time. But there is one part- Were you hot for them? Oh yeah. I mean, come on. It's like they're the two hottest people around right now.

Who are? Who's in the movie? Paul Maskell and Pedro Pascal. Hmm, okay. I actually had a sex dream the other night about an older gay man who said to me he could rescue me from execution. I was gonna be killed by the government, you see? And he said, I can rescue you, but I'll have to cover you in oil,

and then you'll stay young forever. And so he did this to me, and then he gave me an enema. This was my dream. It was crazy. Well, it feels like a dream that could easily come true in your life. I'm up for that, sure, why not at this point? You're having that dream.

Meanwhile, I'm tossing and turning with my eye mask on and earplugs in. Desperate to get even five minutes of sleep. Yeah. While I'm smiling. And you're getting an enema. Yeah I'm getting an enema from like a hot. Loving it. Yeah but there is a part in gladiator where and this is I don't think a, because it's not like a big block, but there's a big fight where they fill the Colosseum with water and there are sharks in there. So the gladiators are fighting in boats in the Colosseum and then there's sharks that they've put in there. And I thought that was so insane. And I don't know if that, I don't want to find out if that was really a thing that happened.

How would you even collect sharks? Well, I don't know if that I don't want to find out if that was really a thing that Happened I don't how would you even collect sharks? Well, I don't know Okay, they did flood the Colosseum, but there were not sharks. Yeah what I heard Okay, well that's crazy to know that they would fill it with water. I but yeah sharks seems like a stretch So why did they put sharks in to make it it scary, I guess, in the movie. But they were also, yeah, I like a shark in a movie. I'm really scared of them in real life. Are you? Well, you know, I've gone swimming with sharks. Oh, yes. Fuck, of course. Yeah. Like not in a cage, just out floating, free floating with bull sharks, which apparently are the most aggressive sharks. That's so out of control. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I won't do it again. I don't know if you remember, but I called Stephanie to tell her like it was exciting, good news, and she was not amused. Right. She was like, you have a family. Yeah. Right, she was like, you have a family. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, but I am scared of sharks. Yeah. Definitely scared of sharks, but it was really crazy

to full on face that kind of fear. Yeah. And that's not like a roller coaster face your fear. That's like, I don't know what my fear is gonna do. My fear is coming up to me and there's bloody chum in the water. Chum. And yeah.

Yeah, it's not like an irrational phobia either. It's like this is an apex predator that could easily swallow little TIG whole. That's right. I mean, I was reading in the news the other day about how people are so scared of sharks and bears when actually they should be more scared of deer. Really?

That's who's going to kill you. Why are the deer going to kill you? Jumping out in the road. Oh, shit. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Everybody has all these other fears when Bambi is frolicking. And isn't it in cows as well? If you actually look at the number of deaths caused by it, it's like the cute, you know, it's probably a lot of gerbil deaths and stuff, but we're scared of like...

Wait a minute, hold on. What are you talking about? You were talking about cows and then you said a lot of gerbil deaths. Yeah, I don't know. Please explain. Well, I was just thinking we're exposed to gerbils quite a lot and I'm sure there's more. I never see gerbils.

Where are you seeing, what is happening? I feel like they were big in the 90s. All my friends had gerbils that kept dying. Oh, friends had them in the 70s and 80s too. How are we, I haven't seen one in decades. That's a good point. We could, should we write some observational standup about that?

Yeah. Whatever happened to gerbils? But I just mean there's probably more accidental gerbil related deaths. Like gerbils are dying or people die because of gerbils? People die because... gerbils. Like, they trip over the little gerbil ball that the gerbil's running around in? Yeah, or the gerbil bites your jugular.

Or, I mean, look, I'm beating around the bush here, but we're all thinking it. What? What, Mae? The gerbil up the bum. That's a thing. That's a real thing. It can't be a real thing. Didn't Richard Gere do it? This is the dumbest thing in the world. It's a thing.

Richard Gere, I have heard this rumor, but there is no world Richard Gere had a gerbil in his anus. I don't know, you get so famous at a certain point, nothing excites you anymore. You're like, oh, I guess I want to feel something. And wait, okay, let's remove Richard Gere and the made up story about the gerbil. Yeah. I mean, and quickly go back to him, the poor guy,

like what a weird story to follow you around and you're still putting it out there, May. Okay, so removing him from the conversation. Where did this come from? People are not putting gerbils, right? I don't know. If it must have come where there's smoke, there's fire, right? It must have come from somewhere.

It must have been a thing. Maybe I mean, how would that even work? How do you get a juggle to go? Look, the problem is not trying to get it to go in. It's trying to get it to come out. That's the problem. Both seem like a problem. You don't like if you if I walked into the room and you had your pants down

and you're trying to lure a gerbil. Oh man, you're right. How would you get the gerbil in there? You'd have to put some food in there first or something. But you're right, as we've actually broken it down and started thinking about it, it is so much more horrific than I just imagined. I actually think it'd be easier to get it out

because you just reach in there and pull the critter out. But like to get it to go in to a closed cave. How easily are you reaching in there to pull it out there? I think you'd have to have a little string on it. It has a tail, right? Don't they have tails or are those just rats? They have little nubbin' tails, I think. Okay, well, I'm going to push for...

Well, nobody should be doing this. I was going to suggest people do this with a rat because then you could at least keep the tail within reach. But like, what terrible vegan would I be telling people use a rat rather than a gerbil? Yeah, yeah. I don't believe that people really did this. Thomas, can you Google to see if that's like a thing that has really happened because the gerbil

would have to be using its little claws and open it. Like how? It's for sure happened though, it must have. Are you speaking from experience, May? Absolutely not. No, they freaked me out. From one of your May? Absolutely not. No, they freaking out. From one of your gerbil orgies? No, no, never.

Wikipedia says there is no evidence. First of all, the entry is called gerbilling and it's also known as gerbil stuffing or gerbil shooting. And Wikipedia says there is no evidence that the practice has ever occurred in real life and its existence remains highly dubious as all rodents have long nails and teeth for digging or burrowing and naturally try to burrow out of any small spaces.

Oh, I rest my case. I rest my case. This is the dumbest conversation to ever happen. This is my whole world. My world is crumbling because like, isn't it crazy how I feel like in the 90s just, we didn't even have social media or anything, but we somehow managed to spread rumors across every high school in the world. And poor Richard Gere is his face at least in that Wikipedia and saying leave this man alone. It's he's not, but I did find this by searching Richard Gere, Gerbil. You search Richard Gere and it immediately goes to Wikipedia, Gerbil, Anus entry. That's so funny. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

Like you know how to check and make sure your phone is charged before you call that really good friend that you haven't talked to in ages. Yeah, checking first is smart, so check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary, terms apply. All state fire and casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Oh my God. Well, should we just transition on over to our first question? Yes, let's go. I have a great question. Hi, Handsome's. My question is, if you could fluently communicate with an animal, what animal would you choose and what question would you ask it? I love that this is teed up by Thomas's.

Now this is a good question. Yeah, Thomas loves this one. Oh, man. I mean, I feel like my lazy go-to would just be my cats. Right. Just to find out what... Our son, I call him little son, but our cat, Linus, I have given him a voice that makes him sound maybe not so smart. Yeah.

I have given him a voice that makes him sound maybe not so smart. Yeah. And so I would definitely love to know what, if anything, Linus is thinking. Yeah. I mean, my first thought was like, you know, a White House dog or something that could tell me all the secrets about aliens and stuff. Then I thought, is there maybe a bird who lives outside one of my ex's houses and could tell me whether it's worth me still holding on? You could also have like a stray cat in your ex's yard.

Yeah, that's true. Or a little mouse that's living in the house. Now I feel like I'm being creepy and spying. Something about the bird just felt a little more innocent. I just, I don't need to know what's going on. I just wanna know, should I still have hope? And I wanna know what else you see in from up there. A bird would be really interesting to talk to.

Like one of those, the fact that monarch butterflies migrate across the ocean with those flimsy little wings. I wanna know how they're doing that. Butterflies are remarkable. Right? Absolutely remarkable. Right? Absolutely remarkable. Would you like to talk to a mountain goat? I already do.

They haven't answered back, but oh my God. I'm like, how are you doing that? How are you doing that, Mr. Clovenhove? I noticed that neither of us have said Biggie. It's because look, in the safety of this pretty little episode, we know we don't need to talk to Biggie, you and I. We know Biggie would just be like, hello.

Yep, I love Fortune, I love Jax. I love Fortune, I love Jax, I'm sleepy. I'm hungry. It would be pretty cute actually. Oh my gosh, everything, all things biggie is the cutest thing. Yeah. Well, should we hear Jacob's answer? Yes, please.

And my answer is I would choose ravens, specifically this group of ravens that lives in our yard. We recently moved just outside of Toronto and I would ask them what the most interesting thing is about the area that they think is interesting. Okay. Thank you. That's a good one because ravens and crows intergenerationally carry grudges against humans. Like they'll tell, a crow will tell their child. For years. Yes. Like that. So that would be interesting. They really remember stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Good answer, Jacob. Very good. Very strong. What if the crow was like, I saw a murder. And then you had to decide whether to take the information to the cops and tell them what your source was. Only you can answer that, Mae. Yeah, I'd go to the cops, but I'd probably be committed. Should we hear another question? Yes. Hi, handsome. My name's Lucy and I'm from England. I'm from the southwest of England, just near Bath. If you know Bath, that's where

they filmed Bridgerton. My question for you is, what is the biggest thing that somebody has spoiled for you? So it might be the plot of a movie or a book or something, a surprise that was going to happen for you, but something that really sticks out in your mind of, oh, you ruined that. Well, my life. Who ruined your life? It's so funny. We were just talking about how Max and Finn are 8 1 1 2. Yeah. And we have the reverse problem for most people

where we can't get them to stop believing in Santa. Oh my God. Like you've told them and they're like, no, he's real. We haven't told them. We just show them movies because we're kind of like, oh my God, they're almost nine and they are all in. And we're just like, oh my, like we are so ready to just be done with the Santa and the eating the cookie and the carrot and. Oh my God, they're gonna be at college and leaving cookies out. Oh my gosh.

So we're trying to spoil it for them, but it won't take. I had somebody spoil Titanic for me when it came out that Jack was going to die. That was bad. I mean, I knew that ship was going to sink because I knew it was based on truth, but I didn't know that Jack died and that was a bummer. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry you went through that.

Thank you. It was my first date maybe ever with Dalton Dane. We went, we held hands. Wow. Yeah, our parents picked us up. It was a really romantic date actually. We also went skating and we went to McDonald's. My goodness.

How old were you? 12, 13, maybe 12. 12, yeah. Have you ever had a movie spoiled for you? Well, people spoil movies for me all the time because they know I'm not gonna watch them. Right, right. They're like, is it okay if I tell you?

I'm like, tell me everything, it's fine. Did you know, have you seen The Sixth Sense? I haven't. In fact, Stephanie was just talking to me about it the other night where she was like, it's truly a masterpiece. Like a movie like that will not shock anyone. Like, or you can't.

Yeah. Yeah. She was talking about how unusual it is to be absolutely blown away. It was so great. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I won't spoil it for you then. Well, I mean, she spoiled it for me. Oh, she did?

Yeah. Yeah. What? Stephanie. Well, I mean, I can say, no, I want to watch it, which I want to. But she was also talking about how cool it is that a movie like that, you watch it and then everybody wants to go see it again to view it with different eyes. Yeah, that's very cool. Yeah. And a tough writing puzzle. You're like, that's like a math problem.

Yeah, truly. If you're trying to write something like that. Should we hear Lucy's answer? I'm way too lazy. Yeah. And my answer for this question, I have a very, very clear memory of being probably about 14.

And one of the big Harry Potter books had just come out, and I was so, so excited. And I was one of those people that would go and buy the Harry Potter book at I don't know midnight and then read it all day but whoever this guy that was in my class obviously read faster than me and I had just almost got to the end of the book but not quite and I remember him standing up at the back of the school bus and shouting down the whole thing, Serious dies! And I

just could have, I could have killed him. Yeah, that was the biggest spoiler. I was a huge, huge fan. I'm still a huge fan. And yeah, just kind of really, that really sucked. But anyway, I love you guys. Thank you. I listen every week. And yeah, you just make me really happy. Like, oh, thanks. Thank you, Lucy. But you did just ruin Harry Potter for me. Right. So now it's been ruined. Yeah. Ruined. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What kind of personality do you think it takes to be the guy that stands up at the back of the school bus? I mean, I think if he's looking for like infamy, it worked because she still remembers it to this day. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. And I'll never let go. Real quick to go back to our kids believing in Santa.

Yeah. Truly less than a week ago. Less than a week ago, Max told us that he was lying in bed just before he was falling asleep and he saw Santa fly by outside the wind, eight and a half, fly by with his sled and one reindeer. And he said he thinks he was doing a practice loop for like all the new people that have moved into new houses. And yeah, yeah. Who are we to judge?

Maybe it happened. That's so cute. Maybe it happened, but that's just an example of how deep they are in this. Anyway, that was a grand old time. A grand old time. A grand old time. Yes. Jacob and Lucy.

Thank you so much. Great questions. Lucy, very British name to me, like Lucy Pevensey and Narnia, you know? Anyways, make sure to, uh, submit your questions. Yes. Speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. I wanna hear questions about hypothetical kind of dilemmas, moral dilemmas.

I like a moral quandary. I always like questions about music and relationships and kids and food, plant-based food. Questions about plant-based food, yeah. And nostalgia, like, yeah. And send in your answers as well, please, so we can get to know you a little bit and you can talk to each other.

Also check out our merch at handsomepod.com. Tell your friends about the show. Let's keep building the community. Yes, please. Submit, review, rate, all that good stuff. And until next time. Keep it pretty handsome. Pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod.gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

Like you know to check and make sure you've got plenty of candles before throwing a birthday party for your 100 year old grandmother. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.