Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #30

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Fortune and Mae talk bedazzled body parts, childhood misconceptions, and more on a P.L.E. to remember!Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check that the gate is closed and latched at the dog park before letting your precious pup run free. Checking First is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Pretty little episode. Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Pretty Little Episode. Hello and welcome to a Pretty Little Episode. I'm Mae Martin, joined by the bedazzling Fortune Feimster. I'm bedazzled. Yeah, why did I say, I should have just said dazzle because bedazzled means you've actually stuck gems to you, right? Which could happen.

I don't know what you're rocking. Maybe I've got jeans right now that are full of rhinestones. That was such a thing for a while. And vajazzle, remember that? Oh, that's for your vajayjay. The ladies would put little, I don't know, stars or things around. That was one of those things that was like every stand-up comedian had a vajazzled punchline or something. Yeah, right?

I've never seen them in person on anyone. No, and I want to. Maybe when we could come back. Yeah. This seems like hot glue. I know, like are they super glued on? Like how do you, yeah. Gotta be a hot glue. A hot glue.

Have you ever done any like candle wax sexual things? Oh god no. I'm assuming that means you have. I have, but I've done with regular candles and then I've done with candles specifically for that where they're like the wax.

Oh, where it's like an oil or something? Yeah, like it doesn't get too hot or something. Yeah. How did the regular candle work out? Better actually. There's something that the specific candles, it's like, because it's not really painful. It's just like an annoying feeling. Like, it's like almost painful and it just makes you want to slap the person because

you're just like, oh, stop. And what do you do? You're just pouring wax on. You know, you tie someone up, you're dripping wax on them. I don't know. Or vice versa. Wow. We have very different situations.

I mean, you know, I'll try anything. But you know what? Why not? Why not? I like that you explore. I think it's great. Thank you. And as you can see, my love life is very happy and I'm very fulfilled. JK, JK.

What I do see is you in a, it looks like you're in a new space. Yeah, I'm in my new house. Um, yeah, it's really still coming together. I'm like weirdly, because they're building, I'm like crouched on the ground here. Yeah, I was worried about you, um, getting a getting your leg falling asleep or something. It did. It did. And I powered through.

Are you enjoying this new space? Yeah, I'm unpacking boxes that I've actually been in boxes for years that I never unpacked at previous places. And I'm finding things that I guess two years ago I was like this is so important and it's like a little clay sculpture that I did of a man. I don't know. It's nice to have my personality around me and be more settled but it's all covered in dust and sheets right now. I find it in the beginning, when I bought my first house,

it's so exciting, cause you're like, this is mine. It's my space, it's permanent. I mean, as permanent as you end up making it. But as far as like, you're not renting, you can do whatever you want to the walls or whatnot. But there is this pressure you feel to just get it all done in one go. And just know that you don't have to have

your entire house fixed or decorated. It can be a year before it's all done. That's so true. I'm too pumped envisioning dinner parties and stuff, so I'm trying to get everything done. But you're right. Sometimes you have to live in it first and see what you need. Yeah, because it will change what you wanna do. Yeah. And you can go room by room. I always say start with the den and your bedroom.

Yes, yeah. Well, I bought house plants for the first time ever, like real ones. Yeah. And they came, I found this company online and they came like, I ordered four plants and they're gonna get delivered already potted and everything. This company over communicated so much.

I had texts, I had emails, I had like call. Yeah, just being like, well, I'm in traffic but I'll probably be there in 45. I'm like, okay. And then, well, so have you ever had plants before? I'm like, I don't. You should go to Home Depot and buy some plants. I should have. But also now? I'm like, I don't. You could go to Home Depot and buy some plants. I should have.

But also now I'm really like, you know, on Instagram, I see a lot about how you've got to talk to plants and they're magical and they respond to love. So I've been like, like the first night with these plants, I was like, guys, you know, I know it's probably been stressful to get here, but like, we're gonna have a really good year. Doing it. And then I said get here, but like we're gonna have a really good year doing it.

And then I said out loud, I was like, I'm gonna take really good care of you. Just like, tell me what you need and like, we'll take care of each other. And then I thought, imagine if I was the plant, I'd be like, they want us to tell them what we need. Like, we can't speak. What do you mean? Just water and sun. I'm dying. Yeah. And they're like, wait, you want us to take care of you as well? How? Like so needy.

Are you scared at all there by yourself or it feels pretty comfy cozy? I'm scared, of course. Yeah. I've got a big gate, but it is scary being alone in a house for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And I hear little noises and things and yeah, but there's a possum that I saw that lives around me

and it was nice to meet him and I hope I made a good impression because I think he'd be a good ally. Yeah. Yeah, do you have any wildlife living around you that you, do you ever feed birds or anything? Sure don't. Well, you got biggie. You don't need the possum to be on your side.

There's a lot of big like crows around, they're a nuisance. You think you want to put out a bird thing, but it would attract those birds and they're a real pain in the ass. Really? What, just because they're loud and aggressive? Yeah. Yeah. At my old house, we had a large fountain in the front yard and they would like murder each other in this fountain. Seriously? Like to the death?

Like fight? To the death. Oh my God. We found dead grows on the reg in this thing and we're like, what's happening? There's enough water for all of you. That's so dark. I know, but in the South though, my grandmother had like a bird bath or bird feeder and you would get these really beautiful little birds and it's just all crows. I knew a guy who

was this is in my teens and this guy was like a pretty big coke head and he had he had pet budgies and he was so kind of I don't know I think, warps your moral compass. It makes you a little sinister sometimes if you do enough of it. And he fed these budgies turkey. He kept feeding them meat of other birds and they became like, they got a taste for it and they became really aggressive and animalistic. And it was really, it was really dark. The things Coke will do. I know. The trickle down effect.

And then one morning I found him fully clothed in the bathtub, no water in the bath. And I said, what are you doing in the bath? And he went, didn't you put me in the bath? It was pretty funny. Dark times, dark times. Dark times. Yeah.

Guess what? You're in happy times. You're starting Yeah, dark times. Yeah. But guess what? You're in happy times. You're starting anew and I love it for you. Thank you, I feel that. Yeah, there's a lot of sunlight in the house and I'm excited to have people over to paint animals and hang out. Yeah, put your friends to work.

Yeah, exactly. No, no, just to paint whimsical paintings of animals. Oh, I thought you meant to paint a wall. Can you guys help me paint my bedroom? Yeah. Which I my bedroom. Yeah. Which I have had friends do. They're like, I'll make dinner and provide booze if you can help me paint my fence or something.

I like that. That gives me a sense of community. Yeah. I won't do that to you, don't worry. All right. I was coming for the food. Yeah, hang out. Let's get to some questions.

Let's do it. Hi, handsome. My name is Chelsea. I'm a pretty little lady from Winnipeg in Canada. Big fan of the podcast. Shout out to May. I've been a fan of yours for a while. You're the reason I started listening to the podcast.

So thank you so much. My question to you is with the exception of stories that get told around the holidays, what is something that you were told as a kid that you believed to be true that ended up not being true, but you believed it for an embarrassingly long time? Oh, man. True love? I mean, I think we were all sold a kind of lie about romance and love. Rom-coms, dude. Yes, because we always see these like sort of toxic passionate things. Like people stalking, like a guy stalking a girl or something.

Like yeah, you've got male is so toxic and like Romeo and Juliet and we thought that that's what love was, these big fireworks. The passion, right? Yes, yeah. But actually- I do think it tainted people in that, if your relationship isn't full of that kind of passion, you think it's bad or wrong.

Yes. And I'm like, no, actually it's pretty normal not to have that level of passion because that passion leads to other, like you said, toxic things. Yeah, and also it puts so much emphasis on just connection and chemistry, which is like, that's great. But relationships are also, it's a choice. It's like, you know, it's making that decision every day and like putting work into it. And there's never a movie about that,

about the day to day, like. The actual work it takes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's all, it's all romanticized. You're seeing the about the day-to-day like the actual work it takes yeah yeah yeah because it's all it's all romanticized you're seeing the best versions of people falling in love mm-hmm not like um hey we got bills to pay yeah yeah we're tired oh yeah we're tired yeah what What about, my mom told me that, and they told me everything,

like they never let me believe in Santa, like they told me. Oh really? No, they said that's a lie, and they said there's no God. Like they were really, like wildly, like I was really jaded as a kid, but they. You don't seem jaded to me now. Thank you. Well, no, you said you were jaded when you were young.

So when do you think that evolved into not being jaded? It was more like I had too much information at a young age, I think. Like I knew too much about like the adult world. But I remember still wanting to believe in Santa and being like, no, I still wanting to believe in Santa and being like no I still want to leave cookies out for him and my parents being like that you know it's just us we're just gonna eat the cookies and I was like let

me live that's fine let me write the letter to Santa. Some magic. Yeah yeah what about you were you like a whimsical child that believed in like magical things and creatures and. Yeah, I believed in Santa, but I was always trying to get to the bottom of how much Santa paid for things. Right. The logistics. I always was trying to like look for price tags on and I'd be like, there's a price tag

on this. Yeah. And it's like. My mom would be like, get off my back. Yeah. And it's like, get off my back. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know, to check that your time travel machine is fully charged before traveling back to your high school prom in order to make sure your best friend Sarah falls in love with you. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire & Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Northbrook, Illinois. When it comes to food and so many other things, it's hard to know what's actually good for our kids. That's why I love Thrive Market. It's like having a personal guide to healthier living for my entire family. Now food is one area where I feel like I got it covered.

Thrive Market makes it simple to find trusted, family-friendly brands without spending hours in the grocery store. From snacks and school lunches to pantry staples, everything they offer is 100% non-GMO. I know what my kids like to eat, so it's easy to create a filter for those foods and make shopping for them a breeze. Plus, Thrive Market's Smart Cart feature takes the guesswork out of healthy shopping. When you create an account, they ask about your family's needs and automatically build a cart

full of cleaner versions of your favorite brands. I've been loving Benza's chickpea spaghetti pasta, for example. Ready for a junk free start to 2025? Head to thrivemarket.com slash handsome and get 30% off your first order, plus a free $60 gift. That's T-H-R-I-V-E, market.com slash handsome. Thrivemarket.com slash handsome. So yeah, I was like wanted the magic, but also wanted to know like the logic of it. Right, like this. So I had both sides.

Yeah. But I did love looking in the sky and trying to see Santa both sides. Yeah. But I did love looking in the sky and trying to see Santa and whatnot. Yeah. But I believed in that stuff to the proper age and then whenever that age is that you're like, okay. The only thing I can think of, there's nothing that's coming to my brain

as far as like beliefs. My mom, we weren't very forward when I'm talking about like the human body or sex or anything like that. Like we just didn't talk about it. My mom would call, this is so embarrassing. My mom would call the vagina a boom boom. Oh my god, why doesn't it take care of it? I just called it a boom boom for like so long, like too long.

Like into high school? I think maybe till like late junior high. Oh my god. And I said it in front of my friend's mom, and my friend's mom was like, what? And I was like, you know, you're bim-bim. Oh my god. My friend started dying laughing, and I'm like, what? That's what it's called.

You got your bim-bim and your bum-bum. It's a vagina. I was like, eww. Oh my god. Well, let's face it, vagina's not a great word. It's not vagina. I was like, eww. Oh my god. Well, let's face it, like, vagina is not a great word. It's not a great word. It's not fun to sit in. Boom boom was way better.

Boom boom is pretty badass, yeah. So that was highly embarrassing when they realized I did not know the medical term vagina. I always called it. Boom boom. So she would be like, did you wash your boom boom? Or like, yeah. Ow, I fell right on my boom boom. Oh my God. I love that.

What did she call a penis? I don't recall. Yeah. Ask your brother. I bet there was something weird. Yeah. Like a don don. So yeah, that was very embarrassing.

So thanks for the memory. Yeah. My mom told me that she was Pippi Longstocking and that the books were based on her because she had red hair and it used to infuriate me because on some level I knew it wasn't true, but there was a slight possibility it was and it would just drive me insane.

I'd be like, no, you're not. She'd be like, I am. Well, thanks for that question. Wait, I want to hear this answer from Chelsea. So one time I was with my dad and my brother and we were at a local golf center. And to enter this building, there was a revolving door. And we were on our way out. My dad was paying, I think, for the time we had been playing mini golf or something. And my brother

and I were just kids and being bratty and we were running around through the revolving door and my dad told us to quit it. And when I asked why, he sort of said, that's because you could suffocate in there. So I believed until well into my, I think, early 20s that if you spent too much time in a revolving door or if you went through it too slowly, that you would in fact suffocate due to lack of oxygen. And when I finally learned that that wasn't true, not only was I so embarrassed, but I was shocked at how long I went thinking that that could be true. Yeah.

That's really good. It worked. I probably didn't spend too much time in one of those revolving doors. Yeah, and I guess if you spent tons, like maybe you could one day suffocate if you spent like a month in there. But you know, when you're a parent and you just don't want your kid to do something

you throw that stuff out like yeah you don't you know. Do you remember like an urban myth about somebody flushing the toilet on an airplane while sitting down? Oh it sucked you down out of it? It would suck your guts out your bum. Yeah I heard that one. Yeah I think I still get weird about flushing the toilet, me too. Yeah. In an airplane. Yeah. Should we hear another one? Hi, AnsemPod. This is Kristella from Austin, Texas. May, Tig, Fortune, love you guys as a trio and love you

guys individually. Here is my question. Is there a name that you've always liked? Maybe you thought you would change your name to that someday or you would have a child name that someday and why do you like it? Great question. Esgret. Esgret. I would love to, I've always thought I would like to name my son Bugs or Buster. Bugs.

Yeah, Buster after Buster Keaton. I like Buster. You do? And how do you feel about Bugs? Bugs is, I mean, listen to each their own. It's a little more out there. Like Bugs Bunny. Yeah.

Bugs Bunny always comes out on top. Bugs to me seems like a pet name. And that could be because of Bugs Bunny. Yeah. Buster I can see being a little kid. Bugs could be the nickname of Buster. Mm-hmm. I also really like the idea of Benny for a girl like Benny and the Jets. Mm-hmm.

I've never wanted kids so I've never spent too much time thinking about what my invisible kids' names were. Yeah. What about if you were trans, what would you want your boy name to be? I feel like sometimes you take whatever your name is and make it the masculine version of it. Yeah. I don't know what fortune would equate to. Frank. Frank. I definitely wouldn't want Frank. You wouldn't? Frank Feimster's

pretty good. I know. I do like the alliteration. Yeah, alliteration's key. Like I'd have to be Fort. Fort? Fort. Can I just be called Fort? Fert. Fortford. Fortford. Yeah, what other? Oh, Fred. If I was going to be a boy, my mom was going to name me Alexander and call me Alex for short. That would have been fine. Yeah, that's nice. My favorite name is Fortune. I've told this before, but I grew up going by my middle name and an old family name and very much my grandmother was very

proud of the Fortune name. It was her mother's maiden name and there was a bunch of Fortunes in her family. So she really wanted me to be named Fortune but I also genuinely like the name Fortune. It's incredible. Yeah. Fortune but I also genuinely like the name Fortune. It's incredible yeah and Fortune Feimster like you gotta be famous with that name. Right, who wants to listen to Emily Feimster do comedy? No way. Emily Feimster? Actually truly I'm changing the channel. I took my mom's maiden name or they or she gave it to me my brother got my dad's and then my mom just does like a feminist thing I think was like I took my mom's maiden name or they, or she gave it to me.

My brother got my dad's and then my mom just does like a feminist thing. I think was like, I want one of the kids to have my name and then, and then like the alliteration size name. Yeah, you have it too. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Should we hear Christella's?

I always liked the name Tabitha. I thought I would have a child name that someday or maybe change my name to that because that was the name of Samantha's daughter on Bewitched. And I've since had a daughter that is not her name and I have no desire to change my name to that, but that's okay. Thanks for all the laughs guys and see you in Austin in April. Yeah. Wait, so Christelle has just totally gone off her own idea there? She's like, I always wanted to do this and now I haven't done it and I don't want to. But Tabitha's cool. I think those are coming back in style, sort of old timey names like your Agatha's, your

Tabitha's. Agatha's and Tabitha's are really making a comeback. Eleanor. Oh yeah. My grandma's name was Evelyn. Oh Evelyn's a great name. Yeah I like the unique names like the ones you don't hear often. Yeah me too. So bugs it is. So much bugs. Yeah. I'm so glad she's coming to that show in Austin. That's gonna that gonna get like almost 3,000 people. It's gonna feel pretty electric, I think.

And then the Ryman is a huge theater too, but it's such an iconic theater. Yeah. You talk about being a musician. When you go through, have you ever been to the Ryman? Never. Go a little bit early and just walk through the halls and go into the rooms.

There's all these really cool posters. You see the history of the place and all the musicians who play there. It's pretty special. Yeah, I love that kind of thing. I like feeling, I feel like theaters especially, not to get all like woo woo, but I feel like they have like an energetic echo

of all these audiences that have been there over the years and all this like, all these good vibes. I don't know. Yeah, I love an empty theater and like a, yeah, being in a space like that. Also, I went to, there's this weird museum in London that has like curiosities and like odds and ends. And they have all this stuff that I guess cleaners as like curiosities and like odds and ends.

And they have all this stuff that I guess cleaners at different concert venues have taken from green rooms after bands have been there. And they have, yeah, and they have used condom from the Rolling Stones. And they have the poo of Kylie Minogue. No. In a jar. Why do they have that? I don't know. It must have been unflushed, which I'm like really Kylie would flush. I think this is going to be bullshit.

Yeah, she seems like a flusher. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like was this just an immersive art thing? That's gotta be. But it felt real. I would be mortified if I found out that was in a museum. Oh my god. I'd go sign it, but yeah, that would be humiliating. What would they find in our green room after we left? It'd be so tame. It'd be like... Our last green room in Toronto had a little charcuterie board, which I always ask for

those because I love them. Yes, and it had some whiskey. And we had some whiskey. And we had a pizza. And we had those bonnets that someone in the audience gave us. I'm so stoked. It's so fun to go to these live shows because people have such a great energy, but to get to bring them to other places, other states, very exciting.

Well, awesome. Well, keep sending in your questions at speakpipe.com slash handsome. If you have anything you want to know, ask us, but also we're here to give advice as well. Don't shy away from that. Oh, that would be cool. Relationship advice or you got a problem at work or. We can't promise it's great advice, but we'll give it. You can check out maymartinmusic.com to see if I've got any tour dates.

I'm in LA, Toronto, New York, and London playing my album. And then also I'm always at Largo in LA doing new stuff. And yeah, what about you, Fortune? Yeah, I'm at the Irvine California Comedy Club working on my material as well as the club in Huntsville, Alabama. And then my tour starts in Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Phoenix, Rockford, Illinois, Greensboro, North Carolina, and Roanoke, Virginia. I guess until next time, all that remains is keep it pretty handsome. and follow us on social media at HandsomePod. What a podcast!

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check that your stained glass window is properly installed and sealed at your new house

to stop rodents and spiders from gaining entry to your property. Checking First is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate Fire and Casually Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.