Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #34

Episode Date: April 11, 2025

Fortune and Mae talk embarrassing parent stories, Fortune's Prom Queen campaign, non-vegan food and more on a hilarious Pretty Little Episode!Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Handsome pot, chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pot. Pretty Little Episode. Hello, welcome to a Pretty Little Episode. It's me, Mae Martin, joined by me, Fortune Feimster, The radiant sunshine that is Fortune. I was listening to our theme song and Tig's pod made me laugh.

It cracks me up. Yeah. It doesn't get old for me. I know, after all this time, still got the giggles about it. Yeah. And then if I'm a fan of a podcast and they randomly change the theme, which happens sometimes, I do not like it. I know, just if it ain't broke, right?

Yeah, I'm a creature of habit. Actually, I just ordered a club sandwich, a chicken club sandwich. Ooh, I love a club. Well, me too, but don't you feel like that's one food that if they get it wrong, that'll ruin your mood because you get pumped about it, and then if it arrives, it's too dry, it's too hard to bite into, it's like, ugh, and too hard to bite into it's like ah

and this was perfect. It was. Oh good. Yeah. What's your perfect club sandwich like? Like to me it's a thin layer of grilled chicken. Okay. Crispy bacon, avocado, not guacamole, avocado, tomato, lettuce, cheese. Okay. I think I prefer sliced turkey on my club. Oh. Though I like a chicken too. I like a thin turkey slice. Crispy bacon as well. I don't want that fatty, chewy bacon.

No, I want crunchy crunch. Yeah. Do you remember microwavable bacon? Mm, I don't think I do. It had a real moment in the 90s. And even in the 90s, they were like, this will kill you if you eat it. It's so carcinogenic.

You're like, but it's so fast. Yeah. I like a lettuce, tomato, and I could do with or without the avocado, but I know it's a healthy fat, so why not? And a little mayo for me. Gotta have a little mayo. Yeah, and a sourdough toast.

That's what I had today. Yeah. Oh man, it was good. Do you know at Jones on Third, it's a place in LA, they put their bacon in the oven. Oh yeah, nice. And it makes it the crispiest of bacon. Oh God. We can only talk about this cause Tig's not here.

I know, I know, I know. I'm like salivating. Yeah, cause Tig would be like, well there's this other bacon made from bean that is very... Well, cause a friend of mine owns a very popular barbecue restaurant in Austin. And you know, we're headed to Austin for our show, which people can also get the live stream tickets for still. And they, they were like, oh, we should send some barbecue. And I'm like, mm, probably not.

We'll just send it to our hotel rooms. I just don't want our green room reeking of animal products. Right, right. And Tig's like, thanks, bud. I'm excited to have an Austin experience. Yeah, because you're going early, right? Don't you have a show? I'm going one day early to do like an hour of, and I have no Austin experience. Yeah. Cause you're going early, right? Don't you have a show? I'm going one day early to do, um, like an hour of, and I have no new material. Like it's all new.

It's all, so I hope people come to that. It's going to be pretty. Did you do your, your standup in Austin? Like before? No, I've never played. You're fine. Yeah, that's true. I could do,

it'll be new for them. Yeah, that's true. Texas is so different than other states, but Austin is like the artsy version of it. Yeah, I think people are gonna be dressed in nice jeans, like old vintage Levi's, that's what I'm picturing. Not so much. I don't know.

I love that you just think everyone's in nice jeans. It'll be good to have a little road trip though with all of us. That's right. Yeah, that would be really fun. Have you been up to anything fun locally in LA? No, I'm going to Disney tomorrow though. Whoa, fun.

And I had to, like so much of my work is mad at me for taking the stay off, but it was like end of the music tour, I promised the band I would take them to Disney. So I can't wait. You're like, the band needs me. Are you a Disney person? I like Disney, but now that I have experienced Disney with a friend who hired a tour guide, I don't know if I can do it regularly anymore. It's really hard to go back.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing that tomorrow. And it is you feel like an asshole, but you're doing the tour guide thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always really want the tour guide to have a nice day as well and to like me. And so I always feel like if my friends are getting too rowdy or they're not engaging in a conversation with the tour guide enough, I get right in there, become best friends. Asking lots of questions. Yeah. So tell me about, so what substance is the Magic Mountain made of?

What have you been up to in LA? I've been sick for a week. I know. So I keep thinking every day it's going away and not quite yet. Yeah. So yeah, just gearing up for my tour. Yeah. It just started and I'm going to be on the road like crazy. So trying to get healthy before I basically am gone for three weeks in a row.

Yeah, and staying in random places, eating at random times. I know. I do have to be better about my health on this tour. My last tour I gained so much weight just not taking care of myself. Yeah, like what are you going to do? Cook vegetables in your hotel room sink? Yeah. Boo. Yeah, like what are you gonna do cook vegetables in your hotel room sink? Yeah Boo, so I'm I gotta commit to like at least just going to the The gym even if I just walk on the treadmill. Yeah something. Yeah, break my body I'm trying I'm gonna try not to eat late. Yeah, that's gonna be a thing I'm not gonna drink very much. And then limit my fried food.

Yeah, yeah. That's a good plan. And limit my sugar. Yeah. So those are my goals. I have been eating very late and not, and I can't fall asleep till like three in the morning. I'm like, I get weird at night.

I think because I know everyone's asleep, I'm like, no one's gonna bother me. Like, this is my time. Yeah. Last night I was lying in bed and I have my sleep talk app that records the whole night and it's activated by sound. And so in the morning you listen to your sleep talk. But as I was lying in bed, I was thinking of a song melody that I was writing in my

head and so I just start, I knew it was recording. So I just start, I knew it was recording. So I just start singing in bed. And then I felt like a maniac. I listened to it in the morning and it is not good. It's like croony. Well, should we get to some questions? I would love to hear what people want to know. Hey, handsome. This is Ashley from Austin, Texas. I need your help settling a long time debate between my husband and I and tell us which one of us is actually the insane one. Okay, so when you are done with the shower, you turn off the nozzle, do you immediately step out onto the bath mat and grab a towel and start drying off or do you stay in the shower and try to run your fingers down your body

and get as much of the water off first? Okay. Oh, I've never thought about running my hands down my own body. It's all I do, Fortune. That's all I do. Like, get this water off me. I actually did, this is so weird

because of this exact thought crossed my mind when I got out of the shower today. And I did try to get the most of the water off before I got out. You did? Yeah, I did do that. You know what's even weirder? What? I also had that thought this morning,

but I stayed in the shower in like long reach for my towel and towed off in the shower before long reach for my towel and toweled off in the shower before stepping onto the bath mat. That's crazy that we haven't, as a species, been like, we should keep the towels within reach of the bath. Yeah, it should be like, boop, right there. It was like, ugh, go, go, gadget arm.

Wait, so we both genuinely had a shower water experience today? Genuinely this morning. That's fucking weird. Thatuinely this morning. Fucking weird. That is really weird. This is the telepathy tapes in action. But you went like this. Yeah kind of.

Wiping water off your body. Yeah and off my my thighs. So I will say to answer her question. Yeah. Um I mean I see what I see that you guys are squeegeeing your own bodies, and good for you. But I would be the more inclined to get on the bath mat and towel off.

Yeah, I mean, that's what the bath mat's there for, I guess, but they don't dry that fast, and then you got this wet bath mat. Mm-hmm, true. But okay, so we're coming down on either side of that. Should we see what she said? Yeah. My answer is, of course I jump out of the shower

and grab a towel. That is what a towel is for. You can't actually remove water from your body with your hands. That is totally insane. Okay. Can't wait to hear your answers. Thank you so much for all the laughs.

I listen to you every morning on my run and I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm insane because I'm just cackling running through the neighborhood. I love you. Bye. Oh, we love you. I love you. You called me insane. Yeah. I'm on your husband's side. What do you mean you can't get water off your body with your hands? We're waterproof. Skin is waterproof. Well, I think you can get dry, but you can flick like the excess.

The excess, yes, exactly. But you can't get dry that way. Yeah, it would be cool to have, you know, the way when a car goes through a car wash, I'd like to do that with my body. Like the Jetsons. Oh yeah, or like the Austin Powers sequence where he's defrosted and yeah.

All right, well that was controversial. What a treat. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check that you find the perfect walking staff when you're walking through the forest and pretending to be a wizard. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate fire and casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Sweet, listen to an album. Hey handsome, this is Jamie from Winnipeg, Canada. My question is inspired by the amazing stories Fortune tells about her mom, Ginger. And the question is, has one or both of your parents ever done something so embarrassing to you in public that it has seared itself into your memory forever and it just makes you cringe every time you hear it? Let me give you an example. My friend took his mom to a Mexican takeout restaurant once and standing in the middle of the room squinting up at the menu, she said in a loud voice to her son, what's a chicken fajita? What's a chicken fajita? That's funny. That's really funny. Oh God, my mom did nothing but embarrass me as a child.

On purpose or just by being herself? Just being her personality. Isn't that so brutal? You become a parent and your kid's just like, oh, this person. I know. Well, I was born in 1980. So my young years were in the 80s. So pre-cell phones. So she had a habit of yelling our names in stores if we got separated from her. She would just scream our names at the top of her lungs across the store. Oh my God.

And it was so humiliating. And would you prefer if she got on the PA? I'd prefer her not be lazy and just walk and try to find us. Yes, you're just an aisle away from- She didn't want to move extra steps to look, but she would do that when we were, this was less embarrassing because it was at home, but when she wanted us, you know, back in those days too, especially in a small town, you would leave in the morning,

like summertime, and you stay gone all day. You go hang out with the neighbors who are your age, and she would walk outside and scream our names to come home for dinner. But somehow it traveled all that way, like blocks and blocks. Really? Yeah.

That's impressive. That does feel very like in a Spielberg movie, the kids are all out on the street and the parents shouting. I'm not easily embarrassed. My brother is more easily embarrassed. But my dad would like to be funny, embarrass us on purpose. And I loved it. He would say, oh yeah, instead of saying, excuse me, he'd say, excuse me to strangers. Like when we'd be driving out of a parking lot and the, you know, the parking lot attendant would be there in the booth. He'd say, spank you very much instead of thank you very much. Like he did a lot of, I guess that was Austin powers.

Yeah. Type. Yeah. But he did. Uh, another Canadian. Yeah. Yeah. And he would do things like when I got home from school,

he'd know when I was approaching and he'd pull down his blinds and he would do like puppet, a puppet shadow puppet show in the window so when I got home, or he'd wear Mickey Mouse ears so I could see this like projection of this mad man up in his office.

Your dad's full of personality. Yeah, he's wacky and sweet. So you didn't get embarrassed ever? I'm sure I did, but no, I can't really think of, I mean, when I would go shop clothes shopping with my mom, and then I'd have to try things on and always come out and show her before, you know, and there'd be some woman there working there,

and my mom would be like engaging with her, and I'd just be like engaging with her and I just feel like no, oh god. Yeah, femininity stuff was embarrassing for sure. Very much. I was on the homecoming court my senior year of high school. Oh my god. And I kind of like was treating it as a joke and they were like, no, you have to wear like a dress every day to school for five days.

What? Yeah, because it's part of your campaigning to be homecoming queen. Oh my god. And I was like, I don't wanna. They're like, you have to. You have to be a pretty little lady. And my mom took me shopping at a woman,

like a full grown woman's store. Yeah. I'm 17 and she's buying me like you know dresses that go down to the floor with shoulder pads. Oh my god shoulder pads of course. It was like burnt orange colors and vomit green like the worst fall colors. Do you have this in vomit green by any chance? And I was so horrified. All these other girls were like in these cute little like you know knee-length dresses. Yeah. And I'm like, I look like a six-year-old spinster who is also you know trying cases for fun in my shoulder pads. Oh my god. It was humiliating and my mom just thought I was the most gorgeous I'd ever been. Oh of course, yeah you felt the love more than you ever had. Yeah. She's like finally there's my daughter. There you are. My pretty little lady. Do you

think shoulder pads will ever come back in? Men are starting to, like I've seen in formal wear having these like pointy shoulders lately. Oh really? Yeah. I don't think that's gonna catch on though. Should we do one more? Yeah, let's do one more. Hi handsome, I'm Court from Denton, Texas.

My question, do y'all jaywalk or are you strict crosswalkers? And what is your reasoning? Is it situational? Is it for safety? Are you just a rule follower? Or if you are jaywalking, are you an agent of chaos or what's the deal?

I'm kind of a rebel. I do jaywalk if it's safe. I trust my judgment. And if it's safe, I will. My pet peeve is people who jaywalk with strollers because then you're pushing the stroller out in front of you. I'm like, just, it's not worth the risk. Yeah, but when I moved to LA, people were like,

you cannot jaywalk and you will get a ticket. People warned me about that. Is that a thing here? It does happen here. I have heard of that. Well, some streets are so dangerous because in LA the freeways are so bad and often backed up that people don't really get to drive fast. So on these other roads, these like, you know, residential roads, they freaking fly. Yeah. So yeah, in LA I oftentimes will find the crosswalk partly because of being a rule follower and

also just like it is wildly dangerous. But you know, occasionally I'm being lazy and like, let's just, there's no one around. Let's bop over right here. Yeah. You're not going to be homecoming queen if you're jaywalking all over the place. That's right. You're still pushing for that crown, right? Your hope is. I mean, May, I was so close to winning. I lost by just a few votes. Yeah. Seriously.

Yeah. It was like a big thing at the high school where like one side wanted, you know, there was the one girl who won everything. That was like the the girl who won everything that was like the, the two shoes of everything who w who was expected to win. And I was the dark horse representing the people. Yeah. Like the arty kids. Yeah.

And so the people were like, we're doing this. We're going to overthrow. Yeah. We're going to overthrow the norms. Yeah. And I got close and then the norms. Yeah. And I got close. And then she won. Yeah, she won.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was like a Judd Apatow movie, you wouldn't have won. That's right. Yeah. But it was pretty funny to be even considered because that was not, I was not the blossom flower I am now. And did you have to like make speeches and have a platform you were running on and stuff?

I do think there was a, one of those things kind of pageant like. Yeah. Where they tell, where you had to say your likes and dislikes. Love it. And I do believe I was funny. I think I was like, I like long walks on the beach

That's funny and I want world peace right those things. Yeah, and you hate seeds in Strawberries and raspberries. Yeah, and then we had to also um ride around at the football game in a the back of a convertible wearing a dress. Oh my God. And waving like a princess. What, just like the finalists were doing that? Well, all the homecoming court rode around. Oh my God.

And then the winner was announced at halftime. I would. It was a big thing, because I'm from a small town, so Friday Night Football was like the place to be. Yeah, the whole town there. The whole town. Oh my god, I want to see you in that convertible.

I'm sure I'll find the picture. I had shoulder pads. Oh my god. But this, that little dress was cuter. I finally like stood up to my mom and was like, I'm going to wear a short skirt. Whoa, with those gams. You got to get your legs out. And you can suck it, yeah.

Yeah. Oh my god. Anyway, I'm a rule follower for sure, but occasionally will jaywalk. I'm, uh, yeah, an agent of chaos, I guess, but I'm very careful, I will say. I just trust, you know, yeah. So for me, I'm a proud cross-walker if that's even a term I wish I had a cooler reason than safety. But yeah, I mainly just don't want to get run over Fair and I wanted to add I've been a tech fan since she was a cop on the Sarah Silverman program And I followed fortune since she crushed on last comic standing. I Didn't know if Megan told handsome, but I feel like we'd be survivor superfan besties.

Yes. Keep it handsome. Oh, very cool. That's so cool. And also, yeah, if anyone wants to talk survivor, I'm watching the current season. It's an excellent season. So well cast. I forget you're a big fan of that.

I am. I've remained a big fan. And the new season just had an amazing moment in the last episode. Really? It really is the best show on TV. I'll go to my grave. I have not watched it since like season two. You've got a lot of joy ahead of you if you want to dive in. I don't know if I do.

Yeah, fair. Oh, what another fun, pretty little episode. Always a pleasure. I love hearing what people wanna know. And I'm excited to meet people at our live shows. Our live shows, yeah. We had Nashville already headed to Austin. Yeah. And we would love for you guys to partake

in the joyous show that we are about to do. Our live stream is tomorrow. Yes. from Austin. So get your tickets. The link is on our Instagram page or our website. Dynastytypewriter.com. You can watch it for a week and yeah, it's going to be epic. Have a viewing party. Watch with your friends. That's right, buddy. Yeah. I can't wait. I know what I'm going to buddy. Yeah, I can't wait. I know what I'm gonna wear.

Yep, that's a surprise. In Austin, you're a little cowboy. Exactly. So, better get out those fresh jeans. Yeah. Well, thank you guys for listening. Listen, thank you. All that remains, I guess, is to remind everybody to please.

Keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! media at HandsomePod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that you've fully stocked the fridge before a busy week. by checking Allstate First.