Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #64

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

Fortune and Mae muse about starting a harmless cult and take part in a listener-suggested game on a playful Pretty Little Episode!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Pretty little episode. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. This is a pretty little episode, and I'm May Martin, joined by the Ray of Sunshineerself. Me, Forgeant Meemster? It's you and me. That's right. Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

I always think about this, you know, Jiminy Glick, the Martin Short character. There's a bit where he interviews Julia Louis Dreyfus, and he goes, And here she is Miss Yum Yum, Yum herself. Miss Yum Yum, yum, herself. Miss Yum, yum, yum. That's, yeah, that's a funny, crazy character. I do like Jiminy Glick. I like Martin Short. How are you doing, man? Like your watch.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. Hamilton. Very handsome. I appreciate it. I'm good. I just flew back into town. I had a show in Atlanta, which was super fun. Yeah, so I'm just getting my bearings. Yeah. I'm off tomorrow to New York and trying to figure out what to pack. And not my synthesizer. I'm going to go, I'm going to pack a light. Yeah, you got to do the press. for your show, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did my pre-interviews with Kelly Clarkson's show. Talked a lot about you. You feel good about the topics they brought up? I think so. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It goes less so quick.

Have you ever used beta blockers for nerves? You know, they're like, they stop your body from experiencing the symptoms of nervousness or anxiety, and I've tried them one. and I felt real lethargic, so I don't use them, but I wish I could because they're supposed to make you just superhuman. You could go on the Kelly Clarkson show, no problem. So is your plan to take a beta blogger? I don't think I want to risk it just in case I'm like, well. Yeah, that would be dicey. Yeah. I think it'll be great. Just be yourself. Okay. Who is that again? Okay.

Okay. Well, the new evolved you after having come back from your experience. The new evolved me bears a striking resemblance to the uninvolved me, does all the same things, and is still anxious. But, yeah. Well, that's all right. You can still be anxious and still be the charming person you are. Thanks, bud. Well, ditto. I feel like there's only so much. much you can, like, calm your nervous system and have a bath and do self-care when the world itself is so scary. I know. I do enjoy a bath, though. Do you? I love a bath. Well, I know we've talked about your but hole getting out of the bath. Sorry, getting out of the bath. But yeah,

do you, is it, you have one every night or what? No, not every night. But like, once a week, maybe. Yeah, God, it's good. My new house has a bathtub. I actually. like my last house the bathtub was not very comfortable yeah um so i would uh hot tub it more yes um i haven't even um gotten in this hot tub you got a hot tub at the new place too i do it's a small little small one yeah but it's per i don't need anything big it's just me so yeah i'm hot tubbing over here hot tubbing bathing you're gonna be just so relaxed like jelly just Yeah. Yeah. So this one, this tub is still fairly shallow, but it's more comfortable. Yeah. So I can get in there and it's where I'll like learn my lines and stuff.

It's a nice image. Have you ever used like a bath pillow for your head? That's like, then you're going to fall asleep. I don't want that. It's too comfy. I used to date someone who would, she'd get in the bath and be like, come get me if I'm not out in like an hour. and she'd always fall asleep. One hour's too late. Yeah. Yeah. You're floating face down. Oh, no, yeah.

This one's too small for me to do that. But anyway, something's happening. I don't need to go there. I'm excited to hear some questions from these listeners. I keep wanting to send in a fake question doing a voice and see if anyone notices that it's me. Well, now I've blown it. I know. I was like, well, now I might be listening for that.

Yeah. All right. Well, let's hear questions that I don't think are from you. I want to do one that's like, hi, this is specifically for fortune. Now if you do that voice, I won't know it to you. Okay, I'll do a different one. But I don't think I would have realized that was you if you had done it without prefacing that. Really? Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, let's, uh, let's hear what people are saying. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, handsome. This is Allie coming from Chicago. And my question is, if you could start, like, a harmless cult, if there ever were such a thing, what would that be? You know, some cults might have started out harmless. But then those cult leaders get drunk with power. Yeah. And it always goes south. They always start with, like, proposing a solution to a very real problem.

and it all seems really appealing. And then, yeah, someone's like, but I could marry all of you. Because wasn't that one, like, wild, wild country, whatever it was, they wanted to try to help drug addicts and homeless people. And then they were like, uh-oh.

Very quickly, they're like, we're going to put snakes in people's mailboxes. This cult leader's taking lots of money from people. This one's sleeping with this person. Yeah. It always is like somebody gets drunk with power, start sleeping with everybody and steals the money. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much the trajectory.

Would you, so if you had a cult, would you, what would your rules be, or like the goal? Well, A, just in, I don't want to be a cult leader. Let me just preface that. Let's make that clear. Some people are like, do actually have that desire. I don't want to be in charge of people in their life at all. Yeah. That does not appeal to me in the slightest.

Yeah, you got your own life to deal with. I got my own life. Listen, I'm happy to give advice. I'm happy to chat with people. I want the best for people. But I ain't the one trying to guide you into the light to where you need to go. I'll give, you know, a couple, like I said, things of advice. But, man, that's just too much responsibility.

Yeah, it would end up just being another thing on your to-do list. Another thing. I guess if, I mean, a cult of like happy stuff. Yeah, just hanging out. Yeah, like hanging out, getting massages, taking baths. Not together. I don't need it to be sexual. Eating pad tie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, maybe like it's connected to like an elephant sanctuary. Remember you wanted to hang with elephants in Thailand? That's right. Yeah. I remember. I listen.

What would yours be? I feel like you would, I think we've talked about it a long time ago, that you would be a good cult leader. Really? I don't remember anything we've said. I know, this was early days. What occurred to me just then was, this is nefarious, but I think for good,

I would start a cult that specifically appealed to billionaires and far-right world leaders like Trump and those people. And I'd lure them in with like, this is an exclusive elite cult where it's like the Illuminati. And then once they're in there, I'd soften their little hearts and awaken their inner children and change their minds and their hearts. Oh, okay.

So it would be like taking all the scary people fucking up the world. Yeah. Luring them in by being like, you get a gold ring and a nickname. And then I would, I'd be like, and now I'm going to spoon you and whisper in your ear that you got to do better. And you think that would do the trick? You know, I'm not forgiving. You might get murdered. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't actually want to spoon Donald Trump. Let's be clear. I just want to trick everyone into one place and then like. And get people to be better. Yeah, like brainwash them. Make them listen to Bat Midler. From a distance. From a distance.

Then what? What happens there? The world is blue and green. and the mountain something from a distance God is watching us God is watching us

God is watching us God is watching us from a distance My grade five birthday party invited over about half the class and they all sat underneath the ping pong table in my parents' granny basement and I put on Bet Midler

and I sung in my best voice the entire like multiple songs and they had to listen and so maybe I should be a cult leader because I was a bossy kid. You got people to do random stuff for sure. They were like this is the worst birthday party I've ever been to. Well, all right.

Well, listen, in this world of handsome questions, anything, it can be anything you want. So your cult can be the thing that you said. Yeah, okay. mine and it will just assume it works yes and then mine will just be everyone's happy getting massages and eating pad tie having bath we're not trying to accomplish anything yeah that's kind of nice that's refreshing yeah just relax is yeah should we hear what alu's answer is yeah i'd like to say i've already started it um i would start a tap dance cult i'm always recruiting people to my tap class

which is in chicago so when you're in chicago and you really want to take some tap lessons come join me. But I've been recruiting people who maybe I've met at work or other places who used to tap dance and haven't in a long time. So they'll come back to tap class. And then, I don't know, I think the whole goal of the cult is that tap dance brings joy. And just come to put on your tap twos, take a class, learn about tap dance, get in the tap dance, get in the tap community

and it's pretty harmless there. All right. Thanks. I like that. I mean, Hallie says it brings joy, but I do remember when we all tried

to tap dance, I found it wildly frustrating because I wanted to be good at it and there's like a big gap between my want and my ability. It's definitely harder. No, it looks hard, but it also is hard.

It's hard. It's hard. You're using all different parts of your foot. Yeah, we were sweating up a storm when we did it at our live show. We really were. Yeah. Also, I can just see the Netflix documentary about like it started like a harmless tap dance cult and then there's footage of like writhing naked people, but they got their tap shoes on still and they're all tapping on people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what, smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.

You know what's not smart? Not checking if your shirt is inside out before you leave home. But honestly, you're still rocking your look, even with all the tags sticking out. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Well, thank you. All right, let's hear another one. Hello, TIG, May, and Fortune, or whatever combination of the two of you is here today. My name is Sarah and I'm calling in from Washington, D.C. And I've been particularly moved recently by you all talking about your families and especially TIG, you're just passionate about your kids and all that you say about them. And so I thought maybe you could play a game that my dad, used to do with my sister and I, kind of at a bedtime tuck-in situation. He worked a lot and so

he would come in and we would pick a number between like seven and his current age and then he would tell us a story from that age. So maybe you could give numbers to each other and tell a story from that age. I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have. to say and yeah just love this podcast listen every week and it's very soothing especially where I live huh not heard of this game of you no I like a game and I like that I'll get I'll throw an age at you okay 38 38 and I'm supposed to tell you a story of something that happened while it's 38 yeah because I'm 38 aren't I or am I 39 I don't know I think I'm 38 Yeah, I'm 38.

38. Gosh. Okay. That would have been pre-COVID. I unfortunately live my life lately by what specials or what tour I put out. That makes sense. What tour I went on, what special I put out. So that would have been pre sweet and salty, which came out in COVID.

So I was still doing clubs. Okay. but you know it's not like your childhood we were like I specifically remember when I was 12 we did this thing like when you're an adult everything like becomes a blur unless you have milestones like I got married or I got engaged I got this uh Jackson and I were together a couple years then um so I honestly do you remember your 30th birthday birthday my 30th 38th yeah I do not okay because We were never big into like parties, so we never did much for our birthdays. I did a lot more for my birthday when I was single. Yeah. I remember my 30th birthday and my 35th birthday. Okay, are we switching gears?

We're switching gears. Okay, let's say 35th, 35th. 35th. Yeah. Okay. So when I turned 35, I had just met Jacks like three days before, four days before. Okay. we obviously liked each other and we're kind of like seeing um how we like we hung out in

Chicago and then um spent time getting to know each other over tech she was in Italy for like three weeks um so I was uh like oh I like this person but I'm still like living my life and I had a big 35th birthday party that I threw her myself at the gay country Western bar in L.A. called oil can Harries. Yes. And it was super fun. It was my last party as a single woman. Not that I did anything on my birthday that was indicated that I was single. But I had my friends, burlesque, troupe do a fun dance. Oh, fun. And it was hot as balls because it was summertime. and this bar did not have air conditioning. And I did not take that in account.

So everyone had a blast, but was like just every picture, everyone's face is red and just pouring sweat. That's so fun though. Yeah, but it was such a blast. So ordered a bunch of pizza and cupcakes. Did you dance? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We had a really great DJ that plays like all the old school stuff, like 90s and stuff. so like everybody was dancing like crazy and so yeah that that birthday felt kind of like my last like we're the last time i felt young oh my god fortune okay this year we're having a party well i just in july i had a birthday and i did absolutely nothing no so it's not getting better it can't happen again like that okay next next year i'll have to be in a better i was not in a great space, I guess. We'll do a big party next year. Yeah, because I was, I was leaving my life. I had left my life as a married person, going into my life as a single person again. And there's a shift there

where you haven't really seen a lot of your friends for a long time because they just got so used to you being in a couple and me touring and being unavailable. Like I still have those friends and those friends still love me, but you're just not in their rotation with them. Yeah. like you were when you were single. So I just was in a very transitional year. Yeah. And those milestones are tough after breakups too. It's, yeah.

So, yeah, there you go. 35 for me. Let's see for you. Ooh. What about your 30th? Well, I had a crazy party for my 30th in London. I was living in London and I was too drunk. and trying to make everyone play spin the bottle

and I did give a handjob in the bathroom to my friend. Your friend? Well, I mean, we'd been hooking up. Oh, okay. I thought your friend was just like, happy birthday. Like, let me try to a British accent. My happy birthday.

No, that's not good. That's an Australian. But it was like. Why don't you give it a wink? Wow. That's your birthday present. Those were the magic words. That's all you had to say.

But I remember it was, I was just like really gung-ho. But, well, we went to make out in the bathroom. And I just remember being like, really, and there's a whole lineup for the bathroom. And he was kind of like, let's not, not here. Also, it's your birthday. Why are you giving hand jobs? You should be getting something. It's the gift.

It's a gift for me too. Really? Okay. No, I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. But it was a really fun party for sure. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and then I found out that he slept with my friend that night.

So, like, he had a great night. Were you upset about that, or it was fine? I think it was fine. Yeah. Oh, okay. Look at you. Just free love. Free love.

Everybody gets some. Those are the days. Well, Sarah, thank you so much for the question. Yeah. We like that game, even though it kind of brought into focus for us that the last decade has been a blur of non-events. But I know, I'm going to start wringing some new memories. Or just keep it a little journal or something. I want to get more fastidious about that.

True. Maybe, maybe fun things have happened and I've just gotten old and I forgot about them. A billion percent fun things have happened. I had a lot of fun on, after my show in Atlanta. Oh, yeah? I had some good friends that happened to be, well, some that live there and happen to be in town. And they came backstage and I had stuff to make old fashions with. Oh, yeah.

And we just, and it was Zach's birthday. So we, like, drank old fashions and ate cake and for, like, a couple hours. And it just ended up being really lovely. They didn't kick you out of the dressing room because that's my favorite when they let you stay in hang. Because I know, yeah. You don't want to go to a bar and go, you lose people in the traveling from point A to point B. I know. we tried to go to a gay bar for like 30 minutes and then we're like what are we doing we're tired

and um and we did lose people in that transition but um it all worked out it was yeah the show or actually it was about an hour and a half backstage i never like to go too late and be rude um yeah but but then other times they're like oh people stay here to like two in the morning i'm like i would never do that this was like till 1130 yeah and yeah it just was like everyone was laughing and there was a couple groups of people that didn't know each other and they were all by the time I came back from my meet and greet, you know, chatting and drinking. Yeah. See, write that in your journal. Yeah, that's right. All right. Well, thank you so much for your questions. Keep sending them please. You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And we want to know

your, we want to know your games that you've invented or weird game or I do anyway. Ask us questions. Ask us advice. Whatever you want. Yes, please. Well, until next time. Keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com, and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hit gum. podcast. You know it's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know it's not smart? Not checking for a beautiful sunset when it's getting dark. I never know when Mother Nature is going to strike with one of her picture perfect sunsets. What better way to end a day? Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary,

subject to terms, conditions, and availability, all state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.