Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #69

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

Fortune and Mae chat about driving lessons, muse about what animal they'd ride as a mount, and set up some fantasy paparazzi scenarios on Pretty Little Episode #69! Also, we have a live-streaming show Dec 22, get your tickets!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. You know what's smart? Check in Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking for creepy dolls when you visit a bed and breakfast. This is a really charming old house, but nobody needs to wake up in the middle of the night with a doll staring you down. Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability, all state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hey, Handsomes, we have a very special live show coming up for the holidays on Monday, December 22nd. Join in the fun and festivities from anywhere in the world by getting your tickets at the link in our social media bio or at dynasty typewriter.com. Your ticket will allow you to stream the show any time for a full week. It's the perfect gift for you and all the handsome folks in your life.

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order by December 12th. Write it down, December 12th. So go to HandsomePod.com and get your order in by December 12th. That's handsomepod.com. Handsome pot. Chatting the friends on the handsome pot. Chatting the friends on the handsome pod. Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the handsome pod. It's a pretty little episode. And I'm a pretty little host called Mae Martin. I'm joined by a pretty little host's name, Fortune, Feimster. Hey, bud. What's up, bud? Not much. Well, my nervous system's fried because I just got out of

my third driving lesson. Whoa. Yeah. As you know, I've had lessons in the past, but this was, I have a new guy called Robert. And today I drove out to the hills. I'm driving around. And he has a convertible. And I'm in my shades and my convertible.

You're taking driver's lessons in a convertible. That's so L.A. And then he goes, oh, we're not going to make it back in time for you to podcast. And I was like, oh, but we have to. And he goes, well, I guess we better go in the high. highway. I've never been on a highway, but I drove on the 405. Yeah, that's a big one. And then the 101. Not a big one. I said, Robert, if we're going to do this, like, you can't distract me. Like, because he chats. He'll show me stuff on his phone. Oh, no. And I said, how'd you do on

the freeways? Well, like, once you're on, it's easier than. Yeah. But I don't know, when I look over my shoulder before I change lanes like the minute my eyes leave the road the car starts to drift right right yeah you ever have that oh yeah I mean well the newer cars I don't know about his convertible but a lot of cars now have the like lights in the mirrors that they light up when if there's a car to the right so that's helpful I want all that I'm going to need all that yeah I mean it is but you know the freeways here are stressful the probably the good thing is that traffic Was traffic moving or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I was driving 65 miles an hour. Well, there's so much traffic here that rarely are you able to go past like, you know, 70. Yeah. So that makes it a little less stressful. But LA would be a stressful place to learn to drive for sure. It was crazy. And then he goes, well, I just got a text.

One of my students just passed his test. And he only made one mistake. And then he shows me the picture and it's a child with. braces like grinning like full braces like I did it I should have done this so long ago when are you going to take take the steps to do the actual driving tests of December 8th okay oh you got a date oh so it's already happened yeah but I feel like I shouldn't yeah right it should have already happened we're filming this a few days before that yeah so you get people know god I'll see May's going to leave us on the edge of our seats yeah yeah

Yeah, I mean, it is time for you to have a little more autonomy, having your own car and not having to depend on Uber's. Oh, it's ridiculous, yeah. But I think I've got to get a car so I can regularly practice and just going to the store. And so, like, if I get the license and don't have a car, I'm still going to stay rusty forever, right? Right. Yeah, at least that way you could just be driving around your neighborhood and stuff. You could, you know, still Uber to some of the bigger things if you weren't feeling it. Would you feel safe with me and driving?

I want you to practice for a little bit longer. Okay. My friend is... I'm very cautious. My friend had... I'm at the age where I have friends with teenagers and some of them are learning to drive and that is funny to hear about.

Yeah. I'm going to be good. I just won't ever be able to have like music playing in the car or anyone speaking. You'll get more comfortable in time, but it just does take. time you know so give yourself some grace my friend thank you my friend how are you back in time i see your dodgers hat go dodgers sorry how they that i know they beat your team stings the blue jays but that was an amazing world series in general it really was well i got to get

i'm excited for the world cup of soccer i want to be oh that i'm super excited for that too that you got I don't. I don't, but like, I was looking at tickets. They are crazy expensive. Really? Oh my God. Yeah. We got to find a way. Maybe we can like, can they, can the World Cup be a sponsor on Handsome or something? So we can be like, we don't need you guys. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I want to see some of those games. I'll be rooted for England. You were talking about people from all over the world. wanting ticket, so that's what makes them so valuable and expensive is that it's not just like your favorite team here. It's like everyone all over the world wants to go to these things. Yeah, glad I'm going to have my license for then. That's right. Because driving in LA

will be great. It sure will. Should we hear some questions from our angelic listeners? Let's do it. Hello, Tigman Fortin. My name is Naomi. I'm coming to you from South Korea. And I love you guys so much. I love listening to your podcast every week. I actually had tickets to see Tig right before COVID hit and it got canceled. And I haven't been back in the state since then. But I'm looking forward to seeing you all in the future. But I wanted to ask you, if we lived in a world where instead of cars, we all rode on mounts. And whichever mount you have, no one else could have that mount. What would you choose?

And it can be full size. So if you choose a fish or a turtle, it can be big enough for you to write on it. Which one would you choose? To clarify, this is which animal would you mount? Yeah, I missed that too. I just heard to mount. Yeah. Okay, so we're mounting an animal.

We're mounting something. Yeah. if we didn't have cars and such. Okay, well, I mean, I feel like the obvious answer is a large cat, like a cheetah. Well, I guess there wasn't, it wasn't specifically, Naomi didn't specifically say animals, but gave animals as an example. Right. So it could be people.

It says, what would you have as a mount if there were no cars? I've never really heard the term, and I'm like kind of delighted. Yeah, I haven't heard that either. I want fast but safe, basically. So I want, oh, and maybe a little sexy. Like, I'm still, I'm going to go leopard, you know, like Bagheera and Jungle Book. And imagine the rippling muscles underneath your bear gams. Well, it does make me think of the Zootopia 2 movie that we're all in.

Having it all, I just watched it. So I'm thinking about all those animals from that world. Yeah. And one of the boats, the fairies, was a walrus. And so they get on the walrus's belly has like a seats on it. And they got on the belly of the walrus and it swam them across the lake. Yeah, that's good. I mean, you'd struggle on land.

Well, yeah, I don't think I'm going to go with a wallers, but it just made me think how funny having just seen animals being used in that way. Walruses are pretty majestic and silly creatures. Wait, yours was a what again? A leopard. A leopard. That's good because they're fast. Yeah, and sexy and they're not going to make any mistakes.

They're a little, they might be a little too autonomous, like a little too rebellious. Right, right. I did ride on a camel once. Oh, you did? Yeah. Girl? When I was in Dubai. What was that like?

It's kind of great. It's not the most comfortable. Yeah. I mean, and you like get on. They're so tall. Yeah. And you get on it. Like, you really have to stretch your legs, get on it.

And then they say, like, hold on when it gets up. Like, really hold on. Oh, when it stands up. Really? Because it goes forward and then back. Oh. When it stands up. So you, it's almost like riding, like you see the bulls at the bars that people ride.

It looks like that. So you get on it and it wushes you forward. So I almost like chipped a tooth banging into Jack's head. Oh, my God. when it went forward and then it flings you back. And are you like between two humps? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

And then you're up and it's so tall. And then it's like, you know, a steady walk. But it's not sounding. They're giant. They're big. So it is not comfortable. But they ride them, you know, like people here ride horses. Yeah, yeah.

but if I'm going down the highway on my leopard and then you're clomping along on your camel you know I'm zooming You're going past me for sure I don't the leopard will have to be really strong for me to get on that one They're so strong Nobody would fuck with you if you're on a rhino

That would be too big though In a way the rhinos kind of like What's that really ugly Tesla that's like Armored? That's kind of the rhino is the Armored Tesla of the animal kingdom. I would probably do like a, like a cheetah or something. Yeah. Yeah. So in the same world as you, Cougar. I want to, I want to be fast. Yeah. I don't want to eat me. No, they know their role

in this world. I want to hear Naomi's answer. Yeah, let's see what Naomi said. I would choose a moose because they're very strong and fast. And they're also very comfortable, I imagine, and beautiful. And for day-to-day transport, they would be great. And also, if I ever got into some sort of battle, I think a moose would be really strong and fast. Thank you all so much. I look forward to hearing your answer.

This feels like apocalyptic, like the grid is down. The grid's down and we've got to domesticate. Yeah, you've got a lasso of moose. Yeah, to be able to ride on. Well, let's hope we, that's not the case. You know what smart? Checking Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart?

Not checking the weather report before heading up the mountain. You were hoping for a day of skiing, but it really helps to have snow on the ground first. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings varies. Subject of terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

It was a bit of a leap to say that moose are comfortable. I don't know about that. But who knows? Actually, wasn't there a guy? There was, oh, this is going to be a really garbled fact. Is this the fact? Yeah. There was a guy who had a pet moose that was an alcoholic.

The moose was. and uh yeah i can't remember the details but is it ringing a bell thomas guy with guy with a drunk moose moose i can't say it is i could i mean to be fair the moose was supplied this alcohol so yeah the guy was an enabler for sure here we go i found it okay the phrase drunk pet moose that's what i Googled, refers to the historical anecdote of Tycho Brahe, a 16th century Danish astronomer who kept a pet moose that became so inebriated on beer at a banquet that it fell down a flight of stairs and died. Oh, this is sad. I'm so sorry. No, that's really dark. Oh, man. Poor moose. Yeah, that sucks. So I don't think the moose is an alcoholic. It just got into a batch of something.

yeah yeah yeah it was just its trough was filled oh no all right well we're gonna treat our thank you for that tidbit i'm sorry it was a different time a different time you had your moose at your banquet that's right i bet even at that time he was eccentric though even i bet even in the 1600s they were like this is probably yeah they're like don't invite tycho to the banquet he's gonna bring that loose cannon Yeah. Should we hear another one? Mm-hmm. Hey, handsome. My name is Mallory. I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee. And here is my question. May, I'm not sure if you remember this or not, but you told Justin Trudeau that his legacy would be great.

And now he is dating Katie Perry. Is that the great legacy that you envision for him? That's hilarious. And if not, what did y'all think his legacy would be? Oh man, of course I remember. It was a really impactful moment. If you don't know, I met Trudeau when he was prime minister. And I had all my friends were like, you've got to challenge him on his environmental policies and all this stuff. And then something, I was bewitched by his charisma. And I heard myself say, your legacy will be great. And he just looked confused and was like, thanks. I think what I meant was he legalized. marijuana in Canada and he just at the time that he was elected

he seemed like a really a breath of fresh air it was hopeful it was like Obama there was like a yeah it was like a surge of optimism and then like Obama like there's only so much you can do in power

to live up to all your promises and he you know he made by the end of his term or his reign would you say people were like like really disappointed in him, but, um, I don't know. But now he's dating Katie Perry, so how do we feel about that? We feel, I mean, it makes sense somehow.

Yeah, they're both good looking. They're both good looking and they're both. It's like Zoolander, too very good-looking, I can't do the accent. Ridiculously good-looking people. He's, I was about to, I've never called anyone a hymbo. Um, that's like, was he a hymbo? I don't know, but he's sort of, he's like so, like a kendall. He's so classically good looking Trudeau that I don't know.

I truth be told until the Katie Perry stuff did not know he was divorced. Wasn't he married or? Yes, he was. He was. To Sophie Trudeau, who is the star of my favorite YouTube video of all time, which is her on Martin Luther King Day getting up to make a speech after these deeply moving speeches have been made and there was a gospel choir and then she gets up and no one's asked her to do this and she goes, okay, I'm going to step up. This is not planned. Trust me. I'm going to sing

an original song that I have written. And she sings an original tune. You just got to watch the video and it is, I know it off by heart. Is she French Canadian? Yeah. Yeah. She sounds like Celine. in Dionne, but not in the singing realm, probably. Totally. Yeah. Wow, I did not know about that. I will have to look it up. Yeah.

When did they get divorced? Was that a recent thing? Yeah, I think a couple of years ago, pretty recent. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think they're going to have a blast together, those two. They're going to have a blast.

They were on a boat recently and she was in her bikini and he was shirtless and jeans. I mean, everyone's living their best life over there on that boat. whenever I see pictures of a celebrity couple standing on the stern of a yacht and making out and getting photographed, I'm like, they must have known. Because do you go and stand on the roof of your boat and make it, like, remember Jalo and Ben Affleck, their famous yacht? Well, now, I've heard various versions of this. Oh, okay.

Not with this particular couple, but there are some celebrities who 1,000% call the paparazzi. Yeah. And those pictures are there because they wanted those pictures to be there. Yeah. Now, how did a decipher who does that and who does not? I'm not sure. Yeah. But I do know there are other celebrities that genuinely are just like doing their thing

and these camera lenses are crazy. I remember filming in Toronto, actually, with Arnold. Yeah. We were on a boat in a harbor just filming. And I looked up and saw, like, pretty far distance, a guy taking pictures of Arnold in particular. And then those pictures were in the daily mail like two days later. Imagine if you saw a walrus with the camera attached to its head. Oh, and I know that Arnold doesn't care about that.

So he's not calling those people. If you were going to call the paparazzi because you wanted a photo to. get out to project a certain image of yourself? Okay. What situation would you like to be fake, snapped and like where you go, oh, damn, the Papps are here? I mean, all I can think about is how many horrendous photos there are of me online. My favorite thing to do back in the day was Google, like, just my name and me walking. And I have the craziest faces. Because really? Yeah, like I walked out of a thing. I didn't know that there was like a camera. person there and I'm like my face is like distorted my belly's like hanging out I have some of the

worst photos um and obviously that's not a a common occurrence it's just once in once in a blue moon there's the camera I wouldn't mind staging a whole kind of hero situation for myself where I get actors to do a fake they start brawling on the street and I go up hey whoa whoa whoa guys come on oh that's a good one because didn't Ryan Gosling have that there was he broke up a and there was a photo of it and it was real. Oh, really? I would like that. Yeah, I would just, I mean, I would do just the bare minimum of like I've actually like

brushed my hair. Oh, right. Okay. I have a little makeup on. You just want to circulate like a good. Just that I can take a decent photo. My guts, like, you know, they, they, a nice jacket's hiding the, the, the, the rolls a little bit. Like, I'll take that.

Nice jacket. All right. Yeah. Well, we can arrange that. Oh, please. Did Mallory send an answer to that question? The answer to that question for me is, yeah, that's pretty much what I thought. All right, thanks.

That you did intend for that to be his legacy dating Katie Perry. Or that Mallory is saying that's what she expected Trudeau's legacy to be, dating a celebrity. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's kind of fair. Yeah, I mean, I could see him kind of like living out the rest of his life, like doing speeches and stuff and going to like gala's and dinners and just dating good looking women. Yeah, for sure. He'll probably have a podcast.

Oh, yeah, good. He'll, he might send us a question and then we'll be sorry forever, ridiculing him. Well, what? A lovely couple of questions. I always enjoy these because I never know what we're going to be asked. And neither of these things are things I have thought about. You never think about what your mount would be? I know.

Well, now that this apocalyptic question has been presented, maybe I'll think about it more because there could be other animals that were just not even considering. Oh, I mean, we didn't even touch on polar bear. I'd love to see a little mouse mount Biggie and for Biggie to be the vehicle for a mouse. That would be really cute. Yeah.

Well, it's December 12th. What do you got going on? I'm about to do some holiday shows in Florida, in Orlando and St. Petersburg. And then I'm going to go spend some time with my mom for the holidays. And then I'll end the year. year in Norfolk, Virginia, Seattle, Washington on New Year's Eve, and then Vancouver. So any Canadians out there who want something to do at the end of the year, come on out.

Yeah, big time. I think I'm, I have a Largo show coming up, but if you check out my, my Instagram or maymartin.com for stuff, and then I'll probably be trying to chill over the holidays. But keep sending your questions, please, an advice request or whatever you want to say to us to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And I guess on the meantime keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tignitaro, and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Wulet. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast.

What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking that your plants are watered before heading out of town for the holidays. Nothing's more sad than arriving back home to wilting house plants. Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America. American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.