Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #71

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

Fortune and Mae talk about made-up laws and retirement-age jobs on a very merry Pretty Little Episode! Did you miss our holibobs show? You can still watch the replay for a few more days-- get your ticket here!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome to Handsome's Pretty Little Episode. I'm fortunate. Welcome, sir. I'm May Martin. And we're coming to you right after the big. holiday. Yes, indeed. After Christmas, so everybody's probably fill in their bellies with some leftovers today. We hope all your dreams came true and your wishes were answered. I just googled, before we started, I just Googled, why do they call Boxing Day, Boxing Day? Do they call it that in America?

I don't know what. I mean, I've heard a Boxing Day, but I don't know what it is. Oh, it's the day after Christmas. Isn't that celebrated quite a bit in Canada and England? It's not a big thing over here and I'll think. Oh, maybe. Okay, yeah. Boxing Day is usually like there's Boxing Day sales and... Oh, yeah, no. And it says it's named after the practice of giving Christmas boxes

filled with gifts, money, and food to servants and trades people who had to work on Christmas Day. Oh, okay. It could come from the church alms boxes that collected donations for the poor, which were opened and distributed the day after Christmas. That's cool. I see. I never knew because yeah, when I was in England, not England, I was in Spain for Christmas once and they Boxing Day was a thing and they have something called Three Kings Day and like there's just these different holidays that they celebrate that I, and I knew in Canada Boxing Day was a thing.

Yeah, you got to hit the, you got to hit the shops. For America, what's the big shopping day around Christmas. Is it, is it Christmas or is it New Year's? I don't know. Do you, do you get like Cyber Monday or like Black Friday? Is that a thing? That's Thanksgiving. I guess those are our big sales out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah. Yeah. So, I don't know. I'm not a big shopper, so I could care less about that. Those I'm trying to be shopping days. I'm trying to be less of a shopper, like trying to give a lot of Christmas presents. that are paintings and stuff or things I make. From the heart.

Fortune I will. And I'm glad, I'm kind of glad it's just you today. You and me. Really? Why? What's happening? Well, I don't want to be ridiculed for this purchase. So please let this be a safe base.

What if I ridicule you? What is this? A drum machine? Yeah, it's a drum machine. It's a drum machine. You're going to have a full electronic band in your house. Seriously. And let me tell you, it's hard.

You're like Chucky Cheese band, the Chucky Cheese band. Yeah, and I sort of thought, I don't know, because it's small and electric, it would be easy, but you do actually have to know how to play the drums, which I don't. This isn't like a pre-made beat. I'm sure it has that, but it's been pretty fun, pound in a way. Are you wanting to learn a drum? What I want is to be able to create a full song just by myself, because I make demos and stuff with guitar and bass and things

but I always have to go to friends or producers to add things and it would be cool to feel. Okay. So we've got a drum, an electric drum thing, a synthesizer.

Yeah, I've got a little keyboard. I've got a bass. You've got your acoustic guitars. Electric. You have electric. And what any other that's about it it's oh harmonica i play the harmonica can you play harmonica a little bit i'd really like to learn

something like a violin but oh my god don't do that too hard it's really hard you play the flute not me wait really i've played a trumpet for a couple like two years in junior high maybe take place the flute Does Tick play the flute? I would be shocked if Tick played a flute. Who plays the flute then?

Lizzo. Yeah. I swear one of us plays the flute, but maybe it was the trumpet I'm thinking of. I talked to the ladies in the chicks band, formerly the Dixie Chicks. So Emily plays the banjo. She said that's ridiculously hard. but it's nothing compared to how hard the um what it's not the violent what's the other cello gosh is it no it's another handheld thing but like a violin is it a fiddle no fiddle no

fiddle yeah fiddle so her sister marty plays a fiddle and apparently it's like insanely hard so hard but how impressive yeah i did a show at lago the other day where i sometimes do covers of Elliot Smith songs there and I had the Watkins family hour that musical brother and sister act have been around forever and they, she plays the violin and so they accompanied me and it was like the simplest acoustic song and then as soon as that violin comes in, you're just, you want to weep. Like, it's so beautiful. It just elevates any song. Like if we added violin to our theme song, we'd be winning all the webbies. Winning those webbies. Winning those podcasting trophies.

They couldn't deny us because they're like, listen to that violin intro. Yeah. Well, I think, you know, what we have, it ain't broke. So we're right. We'll fix it. You're right. That's usually a sign when you're a fan of something and then something you love about it changes, it's a sign things are going to go.

Like when the Survivor theme song changed, I was like, I think it's back to normal now. I didn't know what changed. I didn't know it changed. Briefly, I think. Do you still watch that show a lot? Of course. Every week. Oh, my gosh.

This season's great. I guess it'll be over by the time this comes out. And then season 50 will be about to air, which is all previous players. Yeah. And a big season, 50 seasons of Survivor, it's going to be epic. Would you ever, like, I know Mike White has done it, like, people on. He's on season 50. Oh, we're like.

Would you ever consider it? I mean, it's so close to parve And I'd feel so like I'd want to do her legacy proud almost Because then it's just she can't be touched So I don't know, I'd like to just... No, you'd have to do your own thing. I think I'd be so anxious about washing my face And I think maybe when I'm like 50 and, you know, then I would do it.

I would like to do it. You never know. I can tell you with great certainty that, There's not a chance in hell. I would do that show. Would you do, would you do traitors? Uh-uh. Really?

I got asked to do, I've been asked to do several reality shows. I got asked to do Celebrity Big Brother. I've been asked to do the Masked Singer. I've said no to all. Right. I just love games, but you're not, yeah.

I'll do like game. I don't mind game shows. I've done plenty of those. I was on Celebrity Will of Fortune and Jeopardy. Yes. I've done like a pyramid. But I like those games a lot But some of the games

Because I always think I'm not an anxious person But then under a timer Answering questions The anxiety shoots through me Like nothing else Yeah And you just go blank Yeah

Some of those trivia games with timers on them Because I'm fairly decent at trivia But you put a timer on it and I'm done for. Yeah, I think it's always a good strategy to just say something really confidently because then funny stuff comes out. Yeah. I'd love to go on those shows.

I'd love to see you on Traders, though. I think you'd be incredible. I love the game mafia, but it gives me so, even in just a game with friends, it gives me so much stress having to, like, be deceitful. Yeah. I don't care for it. No one would see it coming with you. I played like a crazy-ass game in Wafia with, I'll never forget with my Sunday company

and I was down to two of us and I had to be so convincingly lying. Because you were a mafia? Uh-huh. And he was like, you guys, she's lying. And I'm like, I had to be like, you got, you know, and everyone was like, she wouldn't do that, but it's, you know, for the game. Yeah. And then I've just felt like a monster.

I mean, there's a thing, there's a UK season of celebrity traders on right now. And it's in, it's all famous. It's like, like Stephen Fry and Jonathan Ross, like Alan Carr, these really famous British comedians and actors. And Celia Imrey is on. And she's like, I think she's like an Oscar winning super respected actress. She's in her 70s. And so they're explaining one of the challenges to all the contestants. And it's really tense. And they're in this dark room. And they're like, the host is like okay players it's Claudia Winkleman and she's like you will have to find a shield and then there's a silence and then you just hear and then everyone looks and Celia Emery just farted and she's like and she goes I'm so sorry I but I always own up when I've done it that was me I farted it's incredible yeah I love that don't you wish people were more confident with a well-timed fart their tits I wish it was more accepted especially when you're that age though you can kind of be like, my bad. Yeah.

I was my British accent. My bad. My bad. My bad. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not check in for sun dogs on a cold, sunny winter's day.

Sundogs are a rare winter rainbow caused by ice crystals refracting sunlight in the atmosphere. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state. first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Well, let's get to some questions. Let's do it. Hello to whatever combination of TIG, Fortune, and May. I am lucky enough to speak to. This is Sarah calling from Maine. My question is, if you could pass

a law that's like not super high stakes. So nothing about fixing all of the actual problems, but like just something that you think would make the world marginally better. What law would you pass and why? Great question. Oh man, I actually have so many. My first thought was that it should be illegal to say, okay, slowly backing away now. You know when people do that? I don't think I've heard that much in real life, but I have seen it in a lot of movies or TV shows. Yeah, I just remember working in call centers and stuff where I would do something not even eccentric. Like, just something, I'd go, oh, yeah, I, you know, I'm just, I'm going to have a glass of hot water. That's good for my, and they go, okay, slowly backing away now.

And I'd be like, all right. That's funny. I guess maybe we would all be better for that. I think we would. You would be better for that for sure because you hate it. I think I would like to massively change all school curriculums. This is a big jump from my last suggestion, but I'm just like we should be teaching relationship skills and schools

and financial literacy and gender and better history. Like, yeah, I would just make my own school curriculum, whole unit on the Beatles. Plus, too, like, yeah, just, like, throwing in some, like, empathy classes and, like, emotional intelligence. Communication stuff. And also the schools at the curriculum currently is very centered. It's specifically designed for people, you know, when you deal with the right brain and left brain, the side of your brain, that's creative is not the one that, why can I think, um, which one's which? Right brain is, I think right brain's like logical and, okay.

And so that's, yeah, so the, the logic side is what the curriculum is based on. So if your brain fires in that way, um, you tend to, uh, excel. But if you're a left brain or you're more creative or you're visual, um, you need to, you know, picture things they don't teach that and so you those people tend to to lag behind yeah they I know a kid who at their school and in grade one they could if they were kind or cooperative they would get stars and then if you get enough stars you get like student of the week and you get a prize or something like it's it's very like uh yeah and but if you have to go pee you have to spend one of your stars so you're like being oh wait what

I know. So all these kids were like holding their pee and not wanting to go pee or blow their nose because they'd have to spend their stars. And I'm like, no, come on. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Should feel the pee whenever. Maybe having more, more bike lanes and like biking be more of, you know how like an Amsterdam bikes are so prevalent. Yeah. Having more of that would be kind of cool. You know, where right now you don't want to ride your bike because it's like, it's not very pedestrian friendly. yeah and so I think if it were more part of the culture and it would be something a lot more people would do I'd like that yeah yeah imagine if L.A. was a big bike city that would be great yeah yeah should we hear Sarah's answer let's hear it my answer to this question I have two

the really unsurious one is that I would make it a law that you could not do any advertising or merchandising for Christmas until after Thanksgiving because I think we just really need to write that stuff in. And then my slightly more serious one is that I think everyone should have to take refresher driver's ed and pass the test again every 10 years. Thanks so much for having me on. Bye. She's not wrong about that because you're dealing with that right now, prepping or you've just done it.

Well, I'm really noticing also in learning how to drive how badly everyone I know drives. Like no one's doing all the things that they teach you in school. I mean, I wouldn't mind, and I don't mean to be ages here in saying this, but at a certain age, I feel like there should be check-ins of like, otherwise it's up to your families to be like, hey, you shouldn't be driving anymore. Yeah. Like, I know with my grandmother, like, she, you know, probably should have not been driving a little bit sooner than when we realized it.

Totally. And actually, now that we're here, I imagine it is really hard to stay on top of like cultural changes and the evolution of things as you get older. And maybe having like every decade you have a little course just to like technological changes that you need to be up to date on or like things that were. It'd be annoying for sure, but like it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt. And just to learn about like,

yeah new terminology and things that you need to learn yeah and improving people's driving in general sure when it hurt yeah I like that Sarah thank you thanks Sarah should we squeeze another one oh squeeze a nun squeeze it in squeeze it in my friend squeeze a nun squeeze a nun squeeze a nun squeeze a nun Hi, Tick. Hi, May. Hi, Fortune. This is Katie from Central Wisconsin. My question is, if you had to have a retirement job, what would it be? So, like, you retired and then you had to go or you wanted to go work some more because you can't sit on your butt like me. So you went and got a job after you retired, what would your retirement job be? Hmm. Well, I'd be older, so I don't want to, because like at this age, I'd be like wanting to be outside and on my feet. But at that age, I want a cush job. Yeah. But still been in your feet because you want to stay active. I like those greeter jobs that some, the older folks do, you know, at different like fast food restaurants or Walmart or something like that, where you just say hello to people as they come in. Is that a thing where you just go, morning, welcome? Huh? Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.

Or they, like, you know, help clear tables or stuff like that. Yeah. But it's mainly being social. I always said my mom would be so good at those. Now she's too old, but there was a window after she retired where she still had a lot of spunk. Yeah. And would get bored sometimes. And a greeter job, she would have loved.

But she ended up doing that for the U.S.O, but as a volunteer position for like 10 years. so she did scratch that it. Yeah, I mean, she's a ray of sunshine. To be greeted by Ginger anywhere, be nice. Yeah. I think I would, well, I'm thinking about the other jobs that I would like, like I would love to work with kids. Like maybe I would, so let's say I'm in my 70s or something.

Maybe I'm getting a, I'm teaching a weekly mythology course to like 10-year-olds. And I'm really trying to like make their mind. Explode. Maybe not mythology, but I'd like to teach kids, I think. Something whimsical for kids. Yeah, maybe putting on little local community theater shows with kids or with like special needs kids or something. That would be really fun. Yeah. Or I listened to a podcast about a guy who went into prisons and put on Shakespeare productions with the prisoners. Like, that would be incredible. I'm noticing though that I'm always like having to be in some kind of leadership role. Like I think I'm bossy.

I think I am yeah and I don't I like I don't get to scratch that itch enough I'd like to be in charge of a group of people and be like yeah guys well that's what at least you got to do that with your show way yeah yeah yeah I think it's fun to give a pep talk to a group of people we're gonna go out there we're gonna get a big day ahead we're gonna get this done we're gonna have a good time kind of like yeah yeah okay should we hear Katie's answer yeah my dream retirement job is to be one of those singing like telegram people who dress in a ridiculous outfit and then make up songs to like parodies for people's birthdays and what have you. I love to just make up random songs and I think that would be so fun. Yeah, I like that. I think we once said that I would quit the podcast via no, that you guys would tell me I'm fired from the podcast via singing telegram. Oh my gosh. Well, we would never. We would never I mean, we'll send you a telegram for something much more positive.

How about that? Yeah, it would soften the blow, though, if it was a little barbershop quartet. They always talk about singing telegrams on movies and TV shows, but have you ever I've never seen one in real life. I think at one of my, in middle school, there were like a couple of kids who wanted to do that and they would go classroom to classroom sometimes on the charity day. You could, you could pay like a dollar and they would deliver a message to another student like Karen has a crush on you.

Really wouldn't fly these days. We had that, but around Valentine's Day at school, but it was like you could purchase a candy bouquet, which was just like a bouquet of like suckers. And you could write a little love note on it. And that's how some people would let their crushes know that they were into them. Huge day. Oh, and so anxiety-inducing, oh, my God. That's right. I didn't get one.

That's all right. Oh, no. Usually the people getting them were like those like handful of eighth graders that were in a relationship. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would have been like, what? Where their boyfriends would have been in big trouble if they didn't send one. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. Oh, my God. Tyler didn't send me a candy bouquet. That's right. Grounds for breakup. But weirdly enough, I did not have a boyfriend. That is weird.

And I was not enough of a feminist yet to know that I could buy my own. And send yourself a candy bouquet. Why not? Why not? Well, that was another fun one. It was indeed. We always love everyone asking us questions. You can submit your questions or advice request to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod.

As we go into a new year, I'm sure there are things that you want to ask us, you guys, are advice you want as you start making your video. vision boards, which I assume everyone is doing. That's right. Thinking about your resolutions. Now is the time, y'all, as the years coming to an end, to be thinking about what you want to accomplish in 26. Or don't.

Personally, professionally, love, relationships, all the things. I think it's good to just, you know, the manifestation. I believe in it. I believe in manifestation. Also, I hope everyone's just chilling, sitting around, soaking up the end of the year. Yeah, enjoy the rest of the year. Thank you for being with us. We love you.

They love you a lot. Hopefully I see some of you guys in Seattle. I'm doing a New Year's Eve show that night. So if you are looking for a fun hang, come join me. I'll be there in disguise, in a fake mustache and glasses. And then right at the countdown, I'm going to walk on stage, shed my mustache, plant one on you. With a candy bouquet. Yeah, with a candy bouquet.

Yeah. I only close that loop. What a treat. Well, I guess all their remains. Yep. Keep it. Pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tignotaro, May Martin, and Fortune Themster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at handsome pod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast. You know it's smart. Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.

You know, it's not smart. Not checking how often you're supposed to feed the fish when your house sitting first. a friend. Was it one pinch twice a day or two pinches once a day? You should have written it down when they were telling you. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.