Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #82

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

Mae and Fortune put together a comedy roast roster and indulge in some conspiratorial thinking on a Pretty Little Episode that will have you saying "the Handsome is out there"! Don't forget to get tickets to our May 4 Live Show in LA!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Handsome Pot. Chatting the friends on the Handsome Pot. Chatting the Friends on the Handsome Pod. Pretty little episode. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm your pretty little host, Fortune Feaster.

I'm your pretty little host, Mae Martin. And we're feeling pretty and handsome. Yeah. Aw. It's good to see you. Lovely to see you, as always. Yeah. What have you been doing?

What do you got there? You're putting on a... I'm putting on a little shirt because I was getting a little chilly in here. Oh, you got to stay warm. I just got back from Indianapolis, Cincinnati, and Milwaukee, where it was one degree.

Well, Milwaukee was six degrees. and then I drove back to Chicago to Florida there and it was one degree. One degree. And that is just not okay. Yeah, that's not you. It's not very you. It's not me. It's not you.

I'm beachy. It's character building though. I was just, the other day I was thinking like, because I was talking to a friend of mine who grew up on the East Coast and we were talking about in the winter, how you had to wear your winter boots to school and then changed into your school shoes and you'd have like salt stains on the east coast. your pants from the salt and just the feeling of like burning in your throat from the cold. And we were like, some people in L.A. have never brought their school shoes to school and it shows.

Yeah, they have no idea about whether, I mean, I grew up in North Carolina where it's fairly tame, but the most I would have to do is like turn the car on in the morning to let it warm up and some of the ice melt off of the windshield. But it was not crazy. No, that counts. Yeah. Yeah, but that was like, you know, compared to like a Chicago or a northeast area, it ain't nothing. But it was, you know, I had a taste of weather. But those climates in the winter are gnarly.

I mean, everyone was so lovely at the shows and probably they were just so happy to be warm. Yeah. But, man. And it started snowing quite a bit. while I was driving from after the show in Milwaukee, I drove to Chicago. And it's a little scary driving in that stuff. Yeah, I have not had to do that. I've driven in the rain.

It was scary enough. Yeah. You'll have to build your way up to that. Did you go sledding as a kid, though? If there was enough snow, but a lot of our snow wouldn't stick. Or if it, like, once every couple years we'd have a, you know, several inches and then we would. Because we would do a lot of sledding. And I was thinking about the, there's always a moment, you're a kid like flying down.

There's a moment where you think I've lost control. Like this, this is a brush with death. And then when you get to the end, and there's like a flat part and you've picked up all the speed and you go, you've slide and slide and then there's like that long walk back. And you're by yourself. Then you're like, your parents are little people on top of the hill. Dragging your sled behind you. Yeah.

And you're like Sisyphus. It's like, it teaches you about reward and delayed gratification and to go from the bliss to then that slog up the hill. I think it's crucial. Well, because Toronto gets super, super cold, right, in the winter? Nasty cold, yeah. Nasty. So has it made you anti-cold? No, I respect the cold and I think it has a lot to teach us.

Respect the cold. Yeah, I like, I'm into it. I mean, I'm so deeply grateful not to live in it, though. Listen, I don't want to live in it, but put me in a cute cottage with snow around and a sexy fireplace. Yeah. One of my toxic traits is that at night, if I have like a date sleeping over or a girlfriend, I like to crank the AC, get it real cold in the house, and then they got to cuddle me. Wow. Isn't that kind of psychotic and manipulative?

They're like, they're like, yeah. And I go, they're there. They're there. I got you. That is hilarious. One of my toxic traits. It feels. Honestly, that has never even occurred to me to crank the air conditioning.

Yeah, it's got to be cold. Well, there's nothing worse than it being too hot and you got someone in your bed. Well, see, I haven't thought about the AC, but I have a, I love a fireplace. Oh, yeah. So even in L.A. where it's not that cold, I will. crank up a fireplace. Yeah, you have to. I like the ambiance, you know.

Well, it does something to your brain. They've studied that, like, even staring at a candle flame, your brain goes into like alpha relaxation mode. It's regulating. So it's staring at flames. Yeah, you look at the fire. You think about your Neanderthal ancestors that would have looked into a fire. Yeah, I am soothed by water and I'm soothed by,

fireplace or candles. Yeah. Yeah. I'm scared of big rolling deep water, though. Big ocean. No. I don't want to go swimming in the ocean. Only because everybody keeps getting eaten by sharks lately.

Really? Oh, my God. There's like shark attacks like every week, it seems. Here? I mean, everywhere. Not here, but I mean, a lot of places. Florida, Australia. That way.

woman in Santa Barbara that was just like she was with a bunch of people training no guy in Australia with a bunch of surfers um girls in florida with their friends and in uh waste deep water I mean waste deep no yeah I think some the waters are getting warmer yeah or their or the sharks are organizing there's some broader plan I don't need to be in the ocean I can enjoy it from the beach You get in your tits out tub. Tits out tub. That's all you need. That's right.

Yeah. Well, should we hear some questions from our lovely listeners? Let's do it. Hello, handsoms. This is Margaret, currently in California, a lady. I was wondering if you could put together your own roast, where you picked the comedians who are going to roast you and let's say minimum three maximum eight

which comedians would you be picking to roast you Oh, okay. That's great. First of all, I hate roast. Yeah, we're all scared of it. We've talked about this that you and me especially, like I just, I'd want to go self-deprecating or compliment someone like I can't roast someone.

It's not my thing. I will watch them to stay. you know, the jokes crafted, but boy, do they make me uncomfortable. Yeah, it's hell. It's absolute hell. Because some people you feel fine for, you're like, oh, they're strong. I know they can take it. And then others, you're like, ooh, I know that punched them in their soul.

Yeah, or you can see it on their face. And then I feel like a lot of people out in the world, they think comedy and they think Rost. Like that's, so I'm glad that you don't like them because sometimes I've been like, am I even a real comment because I hate Rose? No, it's just a thing that certain people can do well. Nikki Glazer. She is an incredible roaster and really blew up from that.

Yes, and they're smart jokes too. And I think like if I was, okay, if I was planning my own roast, I'd want to go with like friends who. Okay. So they would ease into it a little bit. Yeah, and they'd be really well-observed things about. about me. It wouldn't just be like,

oh, you're non-buying. May's toxic trait is pumping the air conditioning up just to get cuddles. Yeah, yeah. So I pick you and TIG,

obviously. I would pick Chelsea Peretti, probably. Oh, she'd be good. She'd be really good. She's so dry and sarcastic. Yeah, totally.

And I feel like she's made fun of me before and I've loved it. May. I was trying to do a Chelsea. impression. Oh, let's hear it. I don't think I can do it. Yeah, it's a tough one. It's pretty crazy how you

it's not bad. Is it? If I had my eyes closed, I would never guess who that was I knew that was her with four words. I mean, Sarah Silverman's great as well. What about

Sabrina? Sabrina. Angelis, yeah, Lisa Gilroy, Atlanta, I just pick my friends and I'm noticing there's not a lot of men on this list. Brett Goldstein is such as gentle, soft soul. Like he, she. Mavis. Mavis. And he hates Rose.

I have a hard time saying anything bad about you. Yeah. I can't do it. I can't do Brett's accent. You do it. It'd be like, come on, Mavis. Oh, Mavis is a lovely day, then. That's a good.

That's a good Brett impression. Yeah, I'm doing a show with him soon. But he doesn't, he's not a roaster, yeah. Yeah. So I'm not picking any like strangers who are just going to go with like the first thing they see. What about you? Oh, boy, let's see. I would have you in TIG as well.

Thank you. We would be looking handsome and we'd probably have on a suit because we'd be on some sort of stage. Uh-huh. And if people are going to make fun of me, I at least want to be looking really sharp. Yeah, you're going to look good. I actually had a roast for my 30th birthday. No.

Yeah, in my backyard. And I honestly don't remember what a single person said about me, but I do remember having fun. Okay, so it didn't cross over into. It didn't, no, I didn't have regrets about doing it. We pulled an old chair out into the yard and I sat on it. I do remember when I was wearing a pink button up with a black tie and jeans. A pink shirt with a black tie.

So roast for you that's about the outfit. We're learning. Yeah. I had to look sharp. Yeah. And I don't know. Yeah. Clearly nobody said anything too hurtful because I feel like if someone really stings you,

it stays with you forever. Forever. Forever. So I think I came out of that unscathed. But it was my birthday. So I think they were going easy on me. Yeah. So who would you, were there any people that were at that roast that you'd have back? I mean, those were a lot of, like Aaron Foley, I think did one. I like Aaron Foley. I would have

her do one as well. I mean, I would, I would have Nikki Glazer do something just because I would want to see her joke writing and what she, what her observations are of me would be great. What about Chelsea Handler? Yeah, Chelsea Handler. I'd have her, she'd be funny. Leanne Morgan. would be funny. Oh, I don't know who that is. Fortune, you're so yummy. Leanne is an older comic who has like really blown up. She's from Tennessee and she's like, you know, my darwin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Which Leanne is supposed to do a question for our pod and I keep forgetting to circle back. But she's very funny. Margaret Cho would be good. Yeah, Margaret Cho is good. I don't know if I'd have dudes doing it either. Isn't that weird?

It feels like women are more of a safe space. Yeah. Maybe Nick Cole would be good. And then Nikki would just rip us a new asshole. Yeah, Nikki would just destroy us. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking if your friend enjoys theater before buying tickets for the new show.

That's going off script in a bad way. I can admit a four-hour musical that reimagines Queen Victoria through the lens of disco is not for everyone. Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. My friend Gillian Bell's not a stand-up, but she's very funny.

So I would have her do something. She's very funny. I would maybe have Lisa Kudra You'd have Tony Kulet And she could rip on my We could do ours together And she could rip on my Australian accent Oh let's do ours together

That feels less scary Yeah But I do And then karaoke at the end I do think Thomas should Roast us I think that would be cathartic And we have to wear fake moustaches

While he's doing it Yeah so to hide the tears To hide the trembling lip Well that's a fun question And I haven't ever thought about that before. Like my friend Matt, who lives with me, he, I think I said this on the pod, but when he made the observation that I walk like when you see footage of Bigfoot caught by camera just striding across through the forest, these like weird long, gangly legs,

he said I walk like Bigfoot caught on camera. And so that's why you got to have your friends roasting you because they notice things, you know. That's right. Oh, I would want Karen Kilgariff as well. Yes. Because everybody knows her these days from my favorite murder podcast, but Karen is one of the funniest stand-ups I've ever watched on stage. So I would pay good money to see whatever she came up with.

Yeah, definitely. Roast away, Karen. And it would be hysterical. I would probably be crying, laughing. Yeah. Because her observations would be so specific. Yeah. Should we hear what Margaret says?

Yeah. I hope we're on the list. Oh, Lunell would be really funny too. Yeah. The comedian Lunell. Meg Staltor. Yeah. My answer would be the three of you, obviously.

Thank you so much for the podcast. It's been such a joy to have, and I hope you all have a great 2026. Thanks. Thanks, Margaret, you too. We'll go easy on you. Yeah, we'll go easy on you. Yeah. All I can come up with is Princess Margaret or something, but I don't know. I'll work on it.

I'm workshopping. All right. You workshop it. Yeah. Who else we got? Hey, y'all. This is Melanie from Calgary, Canada. I have a question for you.

What is a conspiracy theory that you believe in? Bonus points if you made it up yourself. This is right up your alley. There's too many. I was like, I feel like you believe in quite a few. There's too many. But, okay, well, I guess my big thing right now is the chambers underneath the pyramids, these giant chambers, which make me believe it.

maybe they're big batteries, like energy charging stations, the pyramids, that you could charge up your spaceship or something. There's one that I've heard that Garth Brooks is a serial killer, and that one's pretty juicy if you do a deep dive. I'm sure, Garth, if you're listening, I don't think you're a serial killer. But they look at women going missing in the towns that he's touring, And that's crazy. There's a couple of weird, yeah, I mean, it's nuts, but it's fun to look into.

The Titanic. What is the conspiracy about the Titanic that they sunk it themselves? Yeah, because like there were, because there were a lot of bank leaders on it or something like that. The other ones aren't that fun, like 9-11. But there's a lot with that one. I mean, I'm more into the sense. The only ones like Bigfoot and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, lockness monster. Yeah. To see that. Yeah, like my brother's pretty into giant creatures and things like giant sloths or great huge squid and things like that. And it's called cryptozoology. That's what it is. Yeah. And it's like almost mythic creatures, but a lot of people think they're real.

Yeah. Yeah. There's that one about John F. Kennedy and the umbrella guy. What's that? You know, there's that video footage of the day. And there's a mysterious figure that was holding like a black umbrella. And it was, they were on the route. And they, some people think that the umbrella, that the opening of the umbrella was signaling to Oswald that the president was approaching.

And then some people think that other people thought he had some kind of poison dart from it. Oh, I don't know. Why would he need the poison dart, you know? That he, I don't, making him like an easier target, I guess. Like so, but I mean, he was like a sitting duck anyway. I don't, that, that theory to me does not hold water, but. I just want to, before I die, just get a list of, A, all the closeted actors. So I just know for myself and B, all the condomers.

conspiracy theories and the truth. But this is how Trump, like, gained some traction by being like, guys, if I'm president, I'm going to tell you about aliens. I'm going to open up the JFK files. I'm going to, and instead he's just like, no, and he's like, but I won't release the Epstein files. Yeah, it's sketch. Area 51, that's a whole thing, right?

Yeah, area. I mean, I'll believe anything, basically. Nothing would shock me, you know? I mean, I think now when it comes to aliens, people, especially since the military spoke out that they exist, that there's less skepticism than there used to be. Yeah. It's becoming pretty mainstream. Yeah. The NASCAR mummies are an interesting one if you want to give those a Google. They're like alien mummies or something. I don't know. I don't. But I would say in general, I personally am not a big conspiracy theory gal.

Is that because you just are like, I don't want to waste energy down a rabbit. whole or are you like? Yeah, it's more of like when there's not an answer to something. Yeah. I don't. I sometimes be like, oh, that's interesting. Like, what could that have been? Yeah.

Really spending a lot of time on it. I sort of take things for face value. Yeah. Well, and that's not always the right thing, but, you know. I'm the opposite, like, but to my detriment for sure. And then the other day I realized, like, I have had like a low, level anxiety since around puberty, just like what's the meaning of life? Why are we here? Is it a simulation? What happens after we die? Like all those questions. And then I realize I'm kind of,

I'm feeling like urgency like I'm going to answer those questions. And I need to realize, like the joy is in asking the questions. I'm not going to get answers. And yeah, I think some questions cannot be answered. We will not know. Yeah. So I have to get rid of that low level constant anxiety, which comes from this feeling like I haven't done my homework because I haven't figured out those questions yet. Yeah. I think I'm too chill to like fry any further. You're like, it's not my business. I have people tell me I need to ask more questions. And I go, oh, okay. Yeah. I guess I could dive more into that thing. Right. I'm going to do a night. I saw someone did this and I'm organizing one at my house that's a conspiracy theory night where we all wear tinfoil hats.

And then everybody has to prepare a presentation on a conspiracy theory. And it could be the craziest one and you present them to each other. Okay. That definitely seems like a May party. Yeah. Well, you have snacks? I'll have snacks. I'll have hot dogs.

One hot dog. Two chips. One hot dog between 12 people. Yeah. Everyone's like, can we just have a normal conversation? Well, if the party is planned for this purpose, your friends will come knowing this is the deal. Yeah.

Should we hear Melanie? I just real quick. One good one is that Stanley Kubrick filmed the moon landings and that the shining is full of him confessing to that. And there's like hidden messages and clues and symbolism. There's a whole documentary on it. Huh. Yeah.

Anyway, let's hear what Melanie has to say. There are a lot of people who do believe the moon landing never happened. Yeah, I don't know. I think it happened. We need some conspiracies out there about the handsome podcast. If anyone wants to start one, like that we're all AI or the. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah, let's hear Melanie. My conspiracy theory that I made up myself that I 100% believe is that nobody actually likes beer. Everyone's just pretending. They don't want to admit that they don't like it and they're just kind of going along with drinking garbage water, but nobody actually likes it. And if you're going to say, I do like beer, what I have to say is that just further proves my point. You don't actually like beer. And you can just admit it. It's okay. I mean, taking a quick poll here, because Fortune, you don't like beer? I don't like it. I think it's an acquired taste. Yeah, I don't really like it either. Thomas,

do you actually like the taste? I do like beer. Okay, all right. But you would say that. Yeah, I would say that. Yeah, I think it's nasty, but. Yeah, to me, it's just, yeah, it has such a weird taste. And I know to some people, it's like the most refreshing drink ever. Yeah. I'm not, it's not for me, but I think people start drinking it in college and stuff because it's cheap. Yeah, it's cheap. And, yeah, it's cheap. And you can chug it. I like that theory, though, Melanie. Mm-hmm.

I mean, I definitely had to train myself to like the taste of coffee or when I was smoking. I sort of, you hate it for a while and you have to force yourself. So I could see how that happens with beer. Mm-hmm. Well. What a treat. What a treat. What a treat.

What a treat. Questions. Yeah, you can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod to submit your questions. and if you need advice about any situations in your life, please keep sending them. That's right. We're here to help you and to answer your questions.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we appreciate all you guys tuning in. Thank you for listening. I hope everybody's having a lovely March. We're heading into spring. Oh, my God, finally.

That's right. Spring is here. Spring is sprung and the grass is Riz. I wonder where that birdies is. And guess what? We get that hour back so it doesn't get dark at 5 p.m. Yeah. That I love.

Yeah. Yeah. Give me that sunshine. And I guess all it remains, really, is. Keep it? Pretty handsome. Handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com, and please follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast, what a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that I got my handsome tuxedo ready to go. before a big event, big mistake. Now I'm walking the red carpet and a t-shirt and jeans.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.