Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #91

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

Mae and Fortune name whimsical things and give some moving advice on a very Fortunate May episode!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Handsome pod Chatting the friends on the handsome pod Chatting the friends on the handsome pod Pretty little episode

Welcome to the handsome pod Our pretty little episode It's me, Fortune Feemster And me, Mae Martin May Martin Roaddog in it Yes Hello

Um, you're on the the road? Yeah? No, I got, well, I got back to LA about 90 minutes ago. And then I, nice. Yeah, I'm, and I, I came to Parves here because it's closer to the airport. It's like a 20 minute drive. So I'm here. Oh, there you. Podden up a storm with you, Fortune. You're in your chair. Podden. I'm in, you know, I'm in the south. I think you can tell by the decor. I like that little corner. It's a little different here than in California. Right. This is my little nook while I'm here. I like to give a little nook.

Yeah, and I've got my handy mic on a, what do you call it? Like a headset? Yeah, you look like you're conducting airplane traffic. I am. Which they need that right now, don't they? Desperately, there's a shortage. Get involved, dude. Get involved. This is how we help. You've got to help where you can and just step up sometimes. you know, get out there on the tarmac and start waving in those 747s.

They need help, so. I went to a head spa the other day. What's that? It's like... Is it just for your head? Yes, it is. And I was like, guys, I'm going to treat everyone on the tour. There's like three of us to a head spa.

And I googled and I didn't really read reviews. And then took everyone to this sketchy place where they ended up like, you lie down and they're kind of pouring water on your head. and kind of tickling your head and stuff. I don't like this. And then they're putting cream on my face. You know I know about my face. And afterwards, I look at all the products and it's like Vaseline.

It's like stuff from like a right aid. Like it was, oh, it was really, it was gross. We left feeling pretty greasy and stressed out. Yeah, was there anything about it that was like soothing? What was, at one point they touched my feet briefly. I liked that. See, I would go to a foot massage place over a head massage place. Totally. Don't let anyone near your head if, I mean, they thought me and my friend Matt were a couple, because I guess we booked a couple's head spa.

And then they kept being like, that's a fair assessment. I know. So we had like matching silk robes and they kept being like, let's just be in the same room together. And I was like, no, separate rooms. Yeah. Yeah. When I get a massage, I usually tell them I don't need the head or face. Yeah, it's... I don't really like strangers touching my head or my face. Well, I had a facial the other day and I loved it, so I thought this is the new me. And then I realize you've got to be pretty selective. Well, I think you've got to go for the face to a specialist.

I think so. Not a Vaseline shop. But next time, look for a, like a foot massage place. Because usually they, the foot massage places will either do like feet and legs. or sometimes I'll do full body. Whoa, okay, okay, yeah. And usually the foot massage places are priced reasonably. Okay, I'll do that, yeah.

I wanted to, I wanted everyone to be so relaxed after and be like, and everyone is so greasy and stressed out and just in the cab on the way back. Just gross, sideline head. I would not like that at all. I don't like to be, like, wet and dirty. Really, you're like, well, who does, I guess? but you like to be a clean dry person. Yeah.

Like that's why I don't want to be, and I don't enjoy like going on a beach and getting wet and then getting in the sand. Oh yeah. I mean, who does? Well, you know, I mean, there are plenty of beach people that don't think twice about it. Right, okay.

I can be on the beach and enjoy the sand, but I don't want to then get in the water and then have the sand on my wet skin. But then you're going to dry and the sand will just gently fall off your skin. I know, so you don't mind it. I don't love it. Yeah, I guess you're right.

You've got like a sensory thing about that maybe, yeah. I think so, yeah. I think you're right that maybe an orgy is not for you. You're exactly right, man. It's not for multiple reasons. You don't want to be wet and dirty. Don't want to be wet and dirty. I don't want anyone watching me.

This is not a spectator sport. Yeah. This is one-on-one situation happening for me. Right. Yeah. I had a guy at the meet and greet the other night who said to me, I have a set up for a joke and I want to hear your version of it, Fortune's version and TIG's version. We each have to write a punchline. It was a big ask, to be honest. He came in with big demands. But he was nice. But anyway, then the joke was like, what's the difference between top surgery and a double

mastectomy? And I was like, should I be offended by this guy? I can't tell what the vibe. And he was Like, because I know we joke about it all the time, but he was like, so anyway, you pass that on to you guys. And then, um, you all have to come up with a different punchline. He didn't give you a punchline? No, he wants ours. I think he's basically asking what's the difference. But I think he just wants to know. He's like, I would love a punchline, but what I really wants information. Google it, bud, you know. Uh, but yeah. Uh, but yeah, anyway, mull on that. I don't, I was like, I don't know that. Okay. It is funny the idea, though, of giving us all the same setup, and we all have to come over the different punchline. I kind of like that. Wait, and what's the setup again? What's the difference between a top surgery and a double mastectomy?

Hmm. Okay. I mean, it's, we're waiting into tricky territory there. I think we got, I think maybe only TIG would be brave enough to just throw something out. TIG would involve this motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet take you come up with one very quickly. Yeah, I do like the idea, though, of us all coming up with a different punchline.

Maybe a different setup, though. Maybe if we go with something a little less charged, like, what's the difference between a cat and a dog, you know, something like that. Something like that. You know what I mean? My dad asked, his dad joke is, what's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? One is $1.99 and the other one is under a buck. Oh, I like it. I really like it. I'm always, I need like a little trove of these to tell Uber drivers when they say, tell me a joke. I did a corporate event once for a bunch of dentists and I went online and purposely looked up a bunch of Dennis jokes and I started my set and I said, listen, I did not write these. They were from the internet.

Yeah. And I gave him a trove of dad joke, you know, involving dentist. And they loved it. Of course. That was their favorite part of the set. That's what they wanted. Yeah, totally. Yeah. That's really funny. They were like, we'll take that over your stories any day. Yeah. I was like, fair enough. I have found that a little on the road that people, like, if you do a local reference, that is the highlight of the show for everyone. Yeah. And that and they want to know where you ate. I have a question for you. Okay. So I pull like an animal tarot card in my tour show for the audience. And then so I always get an audience member to help in the front row. Yeah. So this person pulled an eagle and then she starts freaking out. And then she says, well, Eagles, she goes, I'm from Alaska. And I was like, what's the connection? And she goes, Eagles are like pigeons in Alaska. And I said, hold the phone.

Because they're everywhere. Yeah, but I was like, not like pigeons. So I'm like, no, really. like pigeons, like they're everywhere on the street, they're eating out of the trash. Is that true? Really? If that's true. I have no clue. We've got to be talking about that more if that's true. Eagles like pigeons? Because I guess at one point weren't they in danger of being extinct? That's what I'm saying. I got into almost eagles. Like the whole audience was chiming in and I felt like I'd started a big argument. And some people were going, yeah, they're like pigeons. And I said, I call bullshit. Yes. This says, yes, Alaska has the highest population of bald eagles in the United States with an estimated 30,000 to 100,000 plus birds. Okay.

They are abundant along the coast, particularly in southeast Alaska, where they nest in tall trees and feed on salmon. So, I mean, yeah, it sounds like the, it sounds like you would see them often there for sure. Okay, nesting in tall trees I get, feasting on salmon I get, but just sitting around like pigeons, I don't know, I'm still not sold. That I wouldn't know until, yeah, I went to Alaska, which I've been once to Alaska, is beautiful. You did, right? Is that where you went fishing? I did go fishing there. I was on a cruise with my friend's family. Yes. And I was one of our excursions. We went fishing.

Yeah, nice. Beautiful. And then I got on that boat and sang karaoke in a karaoke competition for the three days and one. No, you didn't. Why haven't you, why isn't that number one on your IMDB? I don't know, but I was a, this was, this was before I was on television and I was famous on that boat. Oh my God. What was your big number that like blew them out of the water? Well, my first one was my go-to, which is go by or all by the chicks. Oh, yeah. Then I, we started a small bar and the venues got bigger as you progressed. Oh, my God.

The next one was total clips of the heart, I think. Yeah, classic. And then the finale was in the big theater. And it was, I said this is from my favorite cruise ship movie, a little time, Titanic. Oh, my God. And I'm saying my heart will go on. No wonder you dominated. And then it was a double whammy, that and then Sweet Caroline, because that's a crowd pleaser.

Oh, my God. You knew what you were doing. And I won a sweatshirt and a mug. I'm disappointed by that reveal. You didn't win like a free cruise? I didn't know. This was on Holland America. How dare you?

I didn't win anything but some Holland America swag. You know when I touched you in that one? Uh-huh. Did you do the big moment where you go, baby, baby, baby? Like, did you really bel? Well, that wasn't one of my songs. Oh, wait, what am I thinking? I don't know which one are you thinking of.

What was the middle song you said? Total Eclipse of the heart. You're thinking of Celine Dion. Oh, okay, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Total Clips of the Heart is Bonnie. Yeah, Bonnie Wright. Tyler?

Oh, maybe. Tyler, I think. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, if anyone went on a Holland America Cruise, I want to say this was 2005 or 2006. I was the karaoke champion and that was kind of a big deal. I bet there are people who have seen you on TV now and remember that and are like,

I was there at the very beginning when Fortune was where it all started, my friend. A born superstar, triple threat. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my party guests actually want to play elaborate games before kicking off the fun. My bad. My idea of a fun party is throwing a tea bag into a cut. from across the room. Unfortunately, that's not everyone's cup of tea. Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check I'll save first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with

Allstate. Potential savings varies, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Should we get some questions for us superstars? Yes, please. All right. Let's see what people want to know. I may fortunate take. I'm a huge fan. I have been listening so long I've gone back and started re-listening. My name is Kelsey. I am originally from Halifax, Nova Scotia, but I currently live in Toronto, so I'm a huge fan of any time it gets mentioned in the pod.

My question is, what is your most whimsical thing that you do for yourself? Where do I start? I know May's got a list. Oh my gosh. Yeah, where do I? I mean, I'm doing spells. Yeah, May. Hit us.

I do spells in the sauna. I went and bought these like spell herbs that I put in my bath and I do protection spells and things. If I see the new moon through glass, then I have to go outside about at the moon and say, good evening, lady moon. Wow. If I see a magpie on its own, that's bad. And I got to see two magpies because one for sorrow. two for joy. But if you see just one, then you can say, good morning, Mr. Magpie. How are you today? How's your wife and children?

Oh, no? We'll like take away the bad luck. I don't sit on the corner of a table. I don't stir with a knife because I stir up strife. So you got to stir with a knife this morning. No. Okay. But you didn't know. So you're off the hook. But now you know. Okay. Now you know. You went to know. No. No. Now you got to be careful now that you know. But I know. Yeah, those are the main things. I mean, but whimsical.

Is that sort of what she meant, do you think? That sounds pretty whimsical to me. Yeah, yeah. That's more whimsy than I've gotten my life. Do you have superstitions, though? Like before you go on stage? Like, I say a prayer before I go on stage and I do 10 push-ups. Yeah.

I do not do that. I have seen you do push-ups. I know that's part of your routine. Yeah. You know, I still have that old, I still feel weird about throwing away a penny. Oh, yeah. I don't like to do that. Yeah.

And spilling salt, I definitely still do the, you're supposed to like throw it over your shoulder or something. Yeah, over your left shoulder, I think, to get in Satan's eye. Satan's eye. I know how Satan's eye. So stuff like that. Would you walk under a ladder? That I would because I'm not really thinking about that.

I mean, you know, there are times when I'm sitting like in a park or something and I see. like a bird that's like really prevalent around me. Yeah, occasionally I'll be like, oh, that's my grandmother saying hi. Like, so I think that kind of says little whimsical. Yeah. I mean, I have some whimsy in me for sure, but I think I'm probably a little bit more grounded in my, you know,

day to day. I think so too. Yeah. You seem to have gotten a lot of whimsy from your parents, don't you think? Oh, my God. I mean, how am I to, like, I'm a goner. with the parents I have. Let me, this is a message my dad sent me today. He sent it on Instagram and a DM, just to sort of an example of the whimsy. Hi, mate. One of your English fans has sent me a book

of poetry she's written as a gift for you. So this is someone he's been DMing on Instagram. Meanwhile, Friday is a full moon in Scorpio and is also Beltane and the evening of your birthday, very potent, thinking I must do some important puppet work that day, or at least leave things on the deck to soak up the moonbeams. Beltane is the Celtic Fire Festival about fertility, very important to modern witches. I mean, you were cut from his cloth.

Exactly. 1,000%. Like even if I didn't subscribe to that stuff, it's all in my head. If I told, if I had said any of that stuff to my father, he would think I'd had a stroke. Really? He'd call someone.

He'd be like, what is this jibber jab? you're saying. Yeah, it's funny. It is so mainstream culture now, the kind of woo-woo. But in in the 90s, if there was like a character on a sitcom who was into that, it would be like a wacky-dackey. It would be like, Phoebe. Oh yeah, they'd be like, this one needs help. Yeah, and now it's all of L.A. Well, yeah, you found your people, I think. Yeah. It's all about finding your people. Once you have other people around you that believe that, you're like, here we go. Oh, yeah, you're right. Should we hear what Kelsey has to say? Yeah, let's hear Kelsey.

these whimsie? My answer of the most whimschool thing I do for myself is whenever I'm putting away my winter jackets, I'll slip like a $5 bill or like a tunie or loony in the pocket and then forget about it, of course. And then every October, November, when I dig them back out, I discover it for myself. And I think that's really fun. I like that. I would recommend. Thanks for the pod. Bring so much joy to my life and I'm sure the life of everybody else who lessons. Bye. Aw. Thanks, Kelsey.

Thanks, Kelsey. I do like setting yourself up for a fun surprise. Yeah, that is nice. Yeah, I wish people sent more letters. It's nice to get something in the mail, like unexpected. That would be fun. I am into the astrology stuff. Like, I like the reading about like compatibility in terms of your sign.

Why have we not had our compatibility read? I don't know. We'll have to put it on the list, Thomas. There's that app co-star. That's for me, wildly accurate. We could see what our compatibility is. Another time, we'll do it. We should get our charts read.

Another time, we'll do it. I did it with my friend Sabrina and Jalise. We had like our friendship compatibility, and it was really accurate. Oh, I'm sure. You guys are peas in a pod. But it also highlighted like right where we're different, you know? Yeah. Amazing.

Another, let's get to another one, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Hi, handsome. This is Emmy, and I'm a pretty little lady in Texas, but I'm soon to be a pretty little lady in Chicago land. And I'm here with my eight-year-old son, Elliot, who I think would be great friends with TIG's roommates. And he has a question for you. Oh. Hello, do you have any advice on moving? We can't really answer our own question because we've never done it before. Fair, fair enough. So like Elliot said, we can't really answer our own question, but we want to say thank you for putting some silliness out into the world each week. And also, we loved Zootopia, too. Thanks.

Oh, Elliot, what a great question. Elliot. Moving is not my favorite. Oh, really? But it's a necessary thing, you know, because sometimes you got to, you know, uproot and go to another place for other opportunities or job or love or whatever it is. Yeah. So I, you know, if you can afford it to get some help with the movers,

is helpful. To actually pack stuff up or just to move it? At least with the, I like to pack my own stuff up as far as my personal things and the breakable things. But like big furniture, I think it is worth the money to have someone wrap it up and hold that stuff out, wrap it, put it in your truck, in the truck and then take it. But if, you know, there's like treasures, I usually want those in the car with me. So I, I can, you know, make sure they're okay. So I would highly recommend the big stuff outsourcing and the important stuff to yourself, keeping that close by. Yep. I think it's important to allow yourself to be nostalgic and feel the

emotionality of it. It's actually like a great opportunity to go through all your stuff and you're looking at your memories coming up and then I love unpacking and you get rid of some stuff, but make sure that you bring what you care about and let yourself get, you know, if you feel emotional leaving the house, definitely say goodbye to the house, like go around the house and say thank you and goodbye to the house for all the memories. And you're always going to have those memories. But I think let yourself sort of put on some music and get a little emo with it when you pack, you know? And then when you unpack, that's the best new space, new start. Yeah. I do. like trying to go through stuff before packing up so that you are like donating things and not like

taking all these things like if you hadn't worn something in a long time yeah probably time for it to go so you're not like drudging uh trudging a lot of things across the country yeah um that you're not going to end up using it's a good time to sort of um you know weed through some older things definitely see if it sparks joy my first first house that I bought, I had such an attachment to it because it was such a milestone for me to get it. So when I sold it, I was very emotional about it and did that whole like going through the rooms and like really taking it in saying goodbye. I'll think about that house forever, I think. Yeah.

And then my, this, this last house I had, I was like, bye. Yeah. Take some pictures. Twice. Take some pictures of, uh, of the empty house before you leave. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because a house when you're eight, that's a significant. Yeah, and have fun in Chicago.

Chicago is such a cool city. Yeah, a lot of adventures ahead. Yeah. Well, amazing. Well, those were some fun questions. I really liked those. Thanks, guys. As always, if you guys want to ask us any questions or ask for any advice, like Emmy and Elliott just did, you can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod to submit any of that. We love hearing from all of you. Yeah, please. Yeah, do you have anything coming up, Fortune? I've got nothing, really. I'm just headed to Europe soon. So I will be going, and I am going to take my mom. Yes. I am going to take her to the second half to the Copenhagen, London, and Dublin part of that trip. But yeah, we'll be going at the end of the month. So if there are any European handsome listeners, I'll be there. And then Stockholm, Oslo, Berlin. I'm pumped to hit all these cities. You're going to have the best time. You're going to hear people saying, Keep it handsome.

Keep it handsome. I can't wait. Well, I guess all that's left here, do you have anything you? No, I'm good. Okay. I guess all this left is to tell everybody else to keep it. Pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feamster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willis. let email us at hansompod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a what podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I water the correct plants when I'm about to head out of town? Eipsie daisy. Some of my plants are fake and I just accidentally watered some plastic roots and ended up with a puddle on my

floor. Yeah, check-in first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.