Handsome - Rachel Scanlon asks about vacation horror stories

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

The hilarious Rachel Scanlon ("Two Dykes and a Mic") gets Handsome to spill their funniest and most shocking vacation horror stories! Plus, Fortune has a gay moment with a fan, Ginger heads to Europe, and the future bestselling children's book, "Disgusting Bunny"!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTube and HuluThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Chatsom! Chattin the Friends on the Handsome Pot. Chatting to Friends of the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Welcome to the Hands of Pod. I'm Fortune Feemster. I'm Ticknotaro. I'm Mae Martin.

Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo! You guys. Yeah. My day started today with someone at a coffee shop going, are you feeling handsome today? And I said, I sure am. And then they go, and then we were like sitting there. And then they go, I'm gay.

And I went, me too. Oh, my way. And I go, I love this. for both of us. And then she said, have a handsome day. I said, you do. How old was this person? Were they like 12?

No, maybe like late 20s or something, early 30s. They were just like, she was just like, I'm gay. And I went, I love that for both of us. I think I'm going to start announcing myself as gay. I kind of do everywhere I go. I feel like when someone even like says hi to me in public, I'm like, oh, you're gay. Like, that's a nice way to start the morning. Yeah, that's great.

And were you feeling handsome? I actually was. Yeah. Yeah. You're looking handsome. Thank you. Very handsome. I got a new LL.

Bean shirt. That's not a joke. Yeah. No, I believe. Nobody doubts you. Nor isn't an advertisement. I'm just telling you. I've been with my mom all week.

Yeah. doing a bunch of doctor's appointments. And I went to the store in downtown Belmont and went to the sales rack and got me four LLBin shirts for like 30 bucks each. What a deal. My goodness. So yes, I'm feeling handsome. Quite the deal. Yeah, I did notice you were back in the ginger chair.

That's right. Yeah. And I saw your post online that she has a big or had a big. appointment? Was that today? She had a big appointment the other day after her MRIs were taken of her liver and then of her brain which I don't know the results on the brain yet. The liver was they had put the radiation balls in her liver

to try to shrink the big big tumors. And so we were waiting for those results and it's so far they have contained the cancer to her liver. It's been a year now, almost exactly. Unbelievable. Wow. And so it's still contained.

Yeah. You know, he showed us the scans. And it is pretty jarring to see all the cancer in her liver. I'm like, that kind of took me back a bit. Yeah. But he did show that the big ones, he goes, you see that they're darked. That means the radiation did kill those. Whoa.

Which is good, but, you know, every doctor reminds her this is not going away. This is not a cure. You got cancer. You will never be ringing that bell. Right. So that's also a wake-up call where you go, okay, all right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's still good news. It is. Listen, it's the best news. It is her best case scenario. Yeah. That's amazing. So we will take it.

You know, we had very candid conversations this week where I just said, listen, now is the time to be doing everything you want to do. Now is the time to be saying all the things you want to say. No stone left unturned. You know what's ahead. We don't know the time frame, but you have a map here of, you know, getting things off any bucket list or, you know. And how's her headspace right now? Yeah. You know, just appreciating life.

You know, she hugged me before I left and she's like, oh, I want to stay in this place of like warm bodies, my blood's flowing. I bet. I'm like, I understand. So, you know, I think she's just appreciating being here. Because I didn't realize this. When she was diagnosed a year ago, the doctor had told her maybe 13 months. No one told me that because my mom forgot it. But my sister-in-law reminded her and she goes, oh, I forgot that he said that time.

So 13 months is a month from now. Wow. But I don't believe that is her case based on the scans I saw. No, it sounds like she's holding. Holden steady. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, we're just, you know, that being in those appointments for me was good because it made me sort of face everything.

thing too. Not that I've been a denial, but I just got more like brass tax with it. Like, okay, this, you know, we don't know how long you have. You're keeping it at bay. Longivity's the goal here. Yeah. So like, let's live your life. Yeah. Yeah. Getting very present with reality. Exactly. Does she still have treatment to go? Is she still doing the radiation balls and stuff? She will do radiation again. He believes in three months. She'll do it. He said you will be doing MRIs every three months for the rest of your life. Okay. Because the cancer is that aggressive.

And he believes she'll be doing radiation beads again in three months. And for now, she's just doing immunotherapy once every 28 days. You hear these stories, though, of, like, you know, keeping it contained for three, four years, five years. That would be amazing. Yeah. We'll take whatever. I told her, I said, listen, that it. It said from here on out, any day extra you have is a blessing.

Yeah. So you've already, you know, in a month you'll have come to what they said. I believe you're going to be going well beyond that. And that will all be extra, extra blessings, extra time. She actually seems really good right now. May and I talked about it in a mini episode, but I'm going to move forward with taking my mom to your, Europe.

Yes. Okay. I was wondering and I'm really glad you are. Yeah. She's walking well. Her dizziness has gone away. And I believe she's in the best health that she's been in in a while. And I think she can do it.

That's awesome. So the good folks in Copenhagen, London and Dublin will be seeing my mom. She's got to meet the fans. She wanted to go to all the cities. She wanted to go to Oslo. and Stockholm and Berlin. But I was like, let's just half. I think half is the sweet spot here.

Uh-huh. But she'll feel that love. I mean, that is really nice. That's going to be off the charts. Yeah. People are going to go nuts for her. So at the end of May, then she'll be, or no, the beginning of June, she'll be coming out to Europe.

So I just don't want to, I don't want to keep her from like, you know, with not, knowing what her timeline is. If she's like, I've never been to these places, I'm like, let's, let's do it. Let's go. Yeah. That's going to be fun. You guys are all, yeah, being very clear-headed about it.

And it's nice that you have each other and you're there and your brother and stuff. Yeah. So will it just be the two of you in Europe? Yeah, I'm going to go to the first half by myself and then she'll join me halfway. Okay. And then she'll be there for how long? as that stretch of shows. She'll get there Monday morning and we'll leave Saturday.

Fun. Yeah. So I think that's a decent amount of time. Yeah. That's a nice chunk. She'll fly out by herself, but I'll meet her in the Copenhagen airport and then I'll fly home with her. Okay.

Now, I just must know. Will you be sharing a room like your mom in one bed and you and another bed? She's going to have another room. She wants me to save money. So she's like, we can share a room. And I go, Mom, I have to sleep. I love you. But I am going to pay the extra money to get us both our own rooms.

Okay. Is she a chatter? Would she be, it would it be like silent for 20 minutes and then you hear. Fortune? It'd be snoring. Oh, snoring? Okay, yeah, yeah. But she's lost 100 pounds.

Whoa. Wait, 100 pounds? She has lost 100 pounds. So she does, she's like, maybe I don't snore like I used to. I go, maybe I didn't. I actually didn't think to listen while I was there this week. But I still think we should have our own rooms. Okay.

But it just is fun to think of you both in your nightgown. Yeah, I don't talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if you got scared in the night and you got down at your mom. She would love it. Oh, my God. I know. I think about if I was in Europe with my kids when I'm, when I was going to say when I'm an adult.

But that too. But when they're adults, like I would be so overjoyed to be with them. And then if they were like, I want to share a room with you, I would be so thankful and happy. Oh, I should have listened if she snores. I just need to be able to sleep because I'm working, you know? Yeah. You get some of those noise canceling headphones or something. Maybe I'm the snore now.

Maybe the tables have turned. Or you could put like a nose, a close pin on her nose. True, true. Do those things work? The things you put on your nose? Didn't we have a joke about in the olden times people walking around clothes? Oh, when somebody smells or something like that. Having a clothespin on your nose.

It's a really funny. Speaking of smelly things. Yeah, tell us. Yeah. I can't wait to tell you, girls. Go on, girl. But I was visiting my brother and his family, and he has a son that is. at the tail end of three years old.

And something came up about bunnies. And in our family, I used to tell Max and Finn that not only was there an Easter bunny, but there's also disgusting bunny. And I'm like, and disgusting bunny looks like this and he smells bad and he has rotten teeth. And so I told my nephew about disgusting bunny. Yeah. I have never seen a child so focused in on information. Oh, my God.

I was sitting in a chair and he came up and he was like, did how did disgusting bunny get to your house? And does he ever take a bath? Oh, my God. And I was like, no, that's why he's so disgusting. And so the night that I, the day, the night of the day I told him about disgusting bunny. Yeah. He took, he wanted to take a bath before bed.

And then he got up in the morning and then he wanted to take a bath in the morning. And then he wrote a letter to the disgusting bunny saying enough. Enough. And he wrote that he has to take a bath and he has to brush his teeth. Oh, my God. This is heaven to me. The bunny needs to hear that, though. Oh, for sure.

And I was there with my opener, the artist, Amy Berkman. And my nephew was really focused on like wanting her to do things with him. didn't know how to like try and um you know give her a beat yeah so i just told him i said i was like listen amy here's something you need to know about amy she's very very fragile and she's the oldest person i've ever met in my life oh wow and so uh i mean she was awesome with him and she actually she's an artist and she drew disgusting bunny oh my god this is heaven i have i have And I sent Max and Finn. Well, I'll send you, or we can post it, but I sent a picture of Amy's drawing to Stephanie to show Max and Finn.

And I said, ask them what this is. And she said, Max said it's disgusting bunny. And Finn said he has no idea what he's looking at. Oh, my God. Yeah. Anyway. This character is such a good creation. But does he live where the Easter Bunny lives?

Like, same crew? I haven't thought anything through until my nephew. was asking a million questions. Oh, and then the next day, they live in an old farmhouse and like the wood was settling and it made some creaks, some creaky noises. And he turned to me and he goes, is that disgusting bunny? Oh, my God. I love this.

He still thinks the bunny's magical, even though he's disgusting. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if that's disgusting bunny. And he said, will you go look? And I said, I was scared of disgusting bunny. I was like, I don't, I don't want to look. Oh my God. I truly can't believe.

I'm sure he's still talking about it since I left. I did not expect this response. You need to be making it more information about this bunny and why he comes and what you get out of it. Yeah. If there's a lesson in there. You could write a children's book. What did you say? You could write a children's book for sure about disgusting, about trying to get kids to have baths.

For hygiene, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we were saying we did happen to, my sister-in-law cooked us carrots and onions and all sorts of delicious things. And we were saying that we were going to throw all of the scraps of the carrots from the cooking for the prep out the door and let it just rot for disgusting bunny to come by and eat. Oh, my God. Okay, but what if you one night, like, you know the way people do with like elf on a shelf or like the leprechauns? One night when he's asleep, you make like a trail of like, I don't know, peanut butter or something or like just a mess in the house. And then you're like, oh my God, he was here.

This is great. He was clearly here. And when I went up to read him a bedtime story. And he brought his little kitten stuffy, the little stuffed animal over to me. And he put it up to me and he goes, this is my kitty stuffy. and she is so fragile and she is the oldest kitty I've ever met in my life. They're like sponges. Oh my, it is unbelievable.

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Okay. All right. Actually, because he's, now he's, because you said he's showering and rushing his teeth. Oh my God. Yeah, he wants nothing to do with it. He thinks it's so disgusting. What if the dirtier you are, the more that attracts disgusting bunny. So you got to stay clean or else disgusting bunny's going to come. Right. Well, you know, it's funny because, you know, there's a potential children's book that, that I, that, that, that, uh, Stephanie and I were thinking about, but I'm very curious now if an agent would see more potential and disgusting funny. For real, though.

I don't know. I did not see. I think it's so cute. Yeah. Well, I'll send you the picture. I want to raise kids with you. This is making me so brooding. I'm like, this to me, I could do this 24 hours a day.

And you're right when they lock in on something. Like, oh, me, you have to meet my nephew. It's, it's, it, it, this kid has never seen a screen in his life. Yeah, I love that. And he's just like jumping out of trees and, just like, imagination alive. Well, I remember my mom telling me that there was, well, when we were kids, we had a book on tape of like Beatrix Potter or, yeah,

or Rupert the Bear. And there was a character in it, and it said that he gave a fake, smile and he was like a bad guy and he gives a fake smile and my brother just like the concept of a fake smile he latched onto and he was so deeply terrified of it and he'd be like like with the fake smile and then he was like mom what does that look like and then she would show him like that kind of thing and he was he hated it but he would practice it and he was like and then you'd go mom is that a fake smile or a real smile like with people yeah I don't know the things they latch on to us. I know. I mean, Max and Finn loved discussing money, but they didn't have days of questions

about his backstory or anything like that. Does anyone want to know what this is? Yes, I was just going to ask, where are you? What's this beautiful, silk glamour curtain? Instead of YouTube, go to Hulu. Go to Hulu. I mean, nobody has any questions. I have many questions. I mean, just tell us. Or do we need, is this like, Disgusting money. We need to get to the bottom of it. I'm just in a hotel room. And this is the, I have my computer plugged in.

I have light on me. And then this is just the, the back of the. I was expecting more from that. I know. But it's beautiful. It's just a curtain. That's it.

It's just disgusting curtain. Where are you? What city are you in? I am, I'm, where I am. Where I am? I just did the same thing. Where I am.

I got, I just got in the elevator. and this guy was like, hey, where are you coming from? And I said, I don't know. I could, I was in, I was in Seattle yesterday, but it took me, I couldn't come up with it by the time he had to get off the elevator. I said, I don't know. I don't know. I can't begin to time.

I know I'm in Connecticut. Are you all, you're both doing stand up right now? Mm-hmm. Newtown. I'm in Newtown, Connecticut. Nice. I'm in Portland. Yeah, still on tour.

Portland, where? Oregon. Portland, Oregon. Oh, okay. I was going to say I'll be in Portland, Maine tomorrow. I would have loved that. I'll be in Portland, Maine, in June. Okay, girl.

I'm in Portland, Oregon, and everyone at the meet and greets recently is asking about our wellness weekend. Everyone is like, but they're saying, a woman last night said, listen, I said, I don't know, I think fortune's resistant, but I'm obviously quite open. I want to do it yesterday. And then they said, well, you've got to also make sure on the weekend that TIG does things that you would fortune are into, like the depuffer. That's right. That was all they could come up with. It has to be stuff we all want to do. Okay, girl, we can do.

De puffers are made for wellness weekends. Right? True. Okay. We can combine that. And we can play hide and seek or whatever you want to do, May. That's so accurately. That is what I want to do.

I want to play hide and seek in the dark. Do an escape room at some point. I do have one of those red face masks too. It looks scary. The LED vibrating face masks. Oh, it vibrates? Mine vibrates. I don't think mine does.

You're sounding like a part. Hey. Hello. Filing Wellness Weekends getting interesting. We'll do like a spa element and then we do hide and seek for me. Or some kind of trickery. Well, when this comes out, my. My birthday will have been three days before, and I booked laser tag.

So, yeah, that's in keeping with my personality. I booked private laser tag. Private? Like, you're just alone? That would be. Just for your group? Yeah, just for like 10 of us, I think. Oh, okay.

Don't correct me. You thought it was going to be May just running around shooting at nothing? Peeu, pew, pew! I would love that. I haven't done laser tag in forever. It's a real adrenaline high, but I'm so tired. This is a, can you believe I'm still on tour? Yeah.

My tour is like two years long, so yes. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Who am I complaining to? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I do 100 cities and 150 notes. Yeah, you're right.

You're right. Yeah. Are you, so you're in a hotel room right now, though, May? Just to do the pod because the Wi-Fi is so bad on the bus. So, yeah, I've got a day room. And then I'm getting a tattoo today. What? Yeah, the tattoo artist is going to come to the venue and give me and my friend Matt

friendship tattoos. What is it going to be of? Well, actually, I need your input. I haven't fully decided. No, I was going to. I do. I would need this figured out well in advance. Yeah.

I'm winging it. I think it's either going to be a little bus, a little drawing of a tour bus. Okay. This is so corny and like improv. But before we go out on stage, Matt always says, got your back to me. And so we were going to get G, Y, B, maybe on my back. But I don't know. I'm not that fuss about what it is.

If you do a tour bus, maybe you have half the tour bus. He has the other half. Oh, that's good. Or disgusting bunny is an option. But we don't want to put out the visualization, visualization of the bus in half. Oh, you're right. You're right. It has to be a whole bus.

God, you're good. Oh, my God. Do you guys know about. My God. My God. Do you know about the situation I've been in with the bus and the... No. Did I...

No, you've been on tour forever, May. We don't know, May. No, you have to tell us, girl. Give us the deets. Stop me. Girls, if I've told you this before, please stop me. And Thomas, because I can't remember if I have... Thomas, girl.

Thomas, stay out of it. Girl, Thomas. So, you know, I asked Jeff the bus driver, like, What's the gossip about people you've driven before, right? Yeah. Did I tell you this? And he told me... This sounds familiar, but continue.

Everything sounds brand new to me. Okay, great. So he told me that Bieber... Well, he told me some stuff about Bieber. And then he told me some stuff about Ariana Grande. He was like, he goes, she's a little freak. I said, what? Tell me how.

And then he couldn't give me a single reason why. So I was like, okay. So we're just dropping half-assed... Yeah, just half-ass. Well, I see. Gossip? I suddenly was like, should I repeat this on the pod? Yes, you should.

Well, spill the tea. All he said was that Bieber would stop the bus to go pray in the middle of the highway, like on the divider. Maybe we should cut this out. I feel like it could be, they, TMZ could. We're not cutting that out. Thomas. We need more of this. Anyway, okay, so he's telling me.

He's not in control of edits. The Lord is. So I was like, a bad thing to stop for. No. I was thinking I wonder what his story would be about me if someone asked. And then I realized, you're up to freaky stuff too. No, I just realized. So I've clogged the toilet twice.

I've clogged the toilet two times. You're not supposed to poop on the bus. Everyone knows this. No one. What are you eating? No, it's, May, it is a rule across every. No, no, it's not the place.

First of all, I didn't even know you pooped, May. The poo is not the problem. Everyone poops. It was a big. I flushed a tampon down and I thought it was a composting toilet. This is so embarrassing, but I'm telling it, I guess. You're trying to get ahead of the bus driver talking about your... Yeah.

And so what happened was... I want to tell this before he does. Okay, so I thought, because it wouldn't flush and I thought that it wouldn't flush because the bus had run out of water. So in my mind, I thought... But just to clarify, your poop was never a problem. Not that I know what. Okay.

No, we're talking about cooter plugs here. Yeah. You flushed all 100 tampons down the toilet. That we're in the space. That wouldn't have been space in her back now. Yes. All right. So I thought it's a problem that we've just run out of water.

So I thought I'll just, I won't flush the toilet. I'll just wait and flush it when we get more water. Great plan. Yeah. So in the meantime, I'm still peeing in that toilet. Anyway, this is a big problem. Then we realize it's broken. I've broken the toilet.

Then it's my days off. I said to my tour manager, Kenny, who's on the bus. I said, this is so embarrassing, but I can't speak to Jeff, the driver. I can't have him. He can know that I know, but I can't handle just. You can't take the fall for it. No, I know. This is why you have to pay people to take the fall for your tampon.

No, I would never. No, that's their job. No. Like he, your friend Kevin has to go in there and be like, I did this. Everyone's got a tampon fall guy. Okay, but wait. Everyone does, Mae. Kevin's got to take the fall.

Tampon. I said, just tell Jeff that I'm ashamed and that I can't speak to him about this, but that I'm really sorry. So this, I know this conversation's happened. I can't make eye contact with Jeff. I leave for my two days off. I come back. again no i'm like hey jeff how you doing there are signs all over the bathroom that he's put up

that are like please do not flushed amps it turns out i've also broken the button to flush the toilet because i was hitting it so hard panicking he had to was that poop related no it's because i couldn't flush it and it turns out that he had to unscrew the toilet and take the whole toilet off the bus and rewire the button wow i'm humiliated i'm so embarrassed. So I'm going to have to write him a card acknowledging that I know what I did and that I'm so sorry. And then asked to stop the bus and pray. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for forgiveness, man. But I'm just like, I can't believe that's going to be how he remembers me. So I need to do something. Well, you need to get his home address to send him the card.

Oh, do you think? To his home with that card. Oh, are you, were you just going to leave it on the toilet seat? I was going to find this here. At the end of the tour, I was going to... That definitely will be your story, though. He's going to be like May Martin was on this bus, and I had to take out the entire toilet. Oh, my God.

And then no information beyond that. That's it, yeah. Apparently, he said to Kenny, he said... Oh, Kenny, I said Kevin. You've been saying Kevin, but I like that. Apparently, Jeff, the driver, said to Kenny, well, at least May is pretty healthy. I'll tell you that much.

Someone doesn't. need a wellness weekend. Oh my God. Anyway. Someone just got uninvited to wellness weekend. I will not clog the toilet guys. I swear to God. But then I felt so bad, I thought, let's do something fun with Jeff.

Let's book an escape room in Vegas. And he said, I love escape rooms. And we booked an immersive, it-themed. Whoa. Pennywise the clown chases you through 30,000 feet. So the night before, I thought, I'll just. It sounds like you're just punishing Jeff again. Exactly.

So I thought I'll just check with Jeff and make sure he's okay with clowns. So I said, Jeff, how do you feel about clowns? He goes, petrified. I punched one in the face once because it got too near to my daughter. He says, I have a traumatic experiences related to clowns. And so I said we got to cancel the escape room. Thank God. Imagine.

Imagine you did that to Jeff and then he had to face one of his greatest fears. And at the end of that escape room, he has to undo a toilet and fix it. It's hell. This poor man, I'm going to have to give him a big bonus and a card. Yeah, you will. How much longer are you on this bus? Till May 12th. Oh, you're in the home stretch. I'm in the home stretch, would you say? Yeah, you're almost done. Still long. It's still pretty long.

Are you ready to be off this bus? I'm ready to be off the bus. May was ready to be off this bus the second they stepped on the bus. Here's my challenge. I'm busy, and I found myself spending way too much time figuring out what to eat every week. It's like, I decide on lunch, and then by the time I've cooked a meal or gotten delivery, dinner's already rolled around. But since it started using Hungry Root, it's made my life so much easier, taking one less stress off of my mind. Hungry Root is made eating better a lot more fun. Like instead of boxed mac and cheese, I found a recipe from Hungry Root to make it homemade instead. It took the exact same amount of time.

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I found a place that's right on the water with a sweet deck and a barbecue with a beautiful view. Plus, there's a dock so we can park our boat when we're not out fishing. Fortune, that sounds dreamy. Well, you know, I haven't mentioned this to my brother yet, but there's also a karaoke. machine. So I don't know. Is it weird to do karaoke at the end of a long fishing day? No, that's so normal and so perfect. But here's my question is, are you going to be eating the fish that you're that you're fishing? Honestly, I have no idea about that part, but this place does have an amazing kitchen. So we're definitely going to be cooking something. And that's what I love about Airbnb. If we were staying at a hotel, we would not have any of these amenities and we'd have way less space to

just hang out. With Airbnb, I know we're going to be. be making some fun memories for life. Okay, well, I can't wait to hear how the trip goes. Have a blast. And if you're listening, check out Airbnb and go have an adventure. But I'm, you know what? I'm making my gratitude lists every night still. And it's bittersweet. I'm going to be sad when it's over because it's been so cool. And I'm going to make like a tour book, scrapbook and sell it for charity. And so you're doing a gratitude list to try and make yourself think that you're in a good mood? Yeah, and it works. Like yesterday I thought I had this amazing ice cream. I met. This woman gave me personalized darts engraved with my name and all my things that I'm into. What a day. It's been great.

That's awesome. I can't believe I told the toilet clogging thing. I guess we're leaving it in. I just want to say, I thought it was a composting toilet. I thought it was like it would drop into a hole. I didn't know there was a macerator involved and that's mine. You didn't know there was a macerator involved? No, I don't know. Oh, okay. Are a lot of toilets on the bus composting? The toilets on the bus go composting. Why, fortune?

Oh, God. Why not? That's true. Why not? You know what? It was kind of triggering, too, because I realized when I was a kid, I was scared of the sound of the toilet flushing. And so I wouldn't, if I got up to pee in the night, I was too. scared to flush and then I get in trouble.

Well, I feel like the bus toilets and the airplane toilets are way louder. They're scary. That's not why I clocked. I'm not scared anymore. You face that fear. What precious little traumas you had. Don't worry. I got some real ones.

I got some chickens, too. Okay. I love this. Thank you for sharing me. That was brave. Thanks. It was brave. And it was also kind of a little disgusting bunnyish.

Oh, my God. It was. Yeah. And the good news is the toilet's all set and you'll get to ride out the rest of this tour. Oh, I'm never pooing again or getting my period. I'm going to be squeezed tight. Yeah, you will. Well, amazing.

Should we get to our question? I say yes. I say yes. That's why we do this show. Let's do it. Today's question is brought to you by AT&T. Today's question asker is a hilarious stand-up comedian whose podcast Two Dikes and a Mike has become a hit show

touring the country with a live show. Rachel Standup Special Gay Fantasy is streaming now. Rachel Scanlan, who I have the pleasure of having Open for Me on the Road, who also is a hilarious headliner in their own right. Rachel Scanlan is asking today's question. Nice. Hello, handsome podcast. It's me, Rachel Scanlan.

I'm so happy to do this for you guys. I'm obsessed with you all. You three are like the founding fathers for me. You guys are better than the founding fathers. If I were to be carving Mount Rushmore, I would put your three handsome faces up there. If I was making the pyramids, I would take that sphinx head, knock it off,

and put your three heads on top of that cat's body. And that's a positive remodel. I like you guys so much. Thank you for letting me do this. Here is my question for y'all. What is your worst ever vacation story? Now, a lot of times vacations can have a lot of buildup. You plan it for so long.

You want things to go well. And then for whatever reason, the universe refuses to let you have a good time. So what is your worst vacation disaster stories? Really dive in there. Don't be ashamed. Don't be afraid. Let me know.

I can't wait to hear. As you can see, Rachel's not very shy. Well, yeah, I'm just going to say. Rachel has really good energy. Great energy. Rachel, like I said, headlines, but has also been opening for me on this tour here and there. Nice.

And the audiences just connect right away because Rachel's energy is amazing. Yeah, energy is a real thing. Like that, Rachel, there, I was like, there's light coming out of that person. Oh, yeah. Like that. So Rachel's always like that? Oh, yeah.

Rachel's vibe. Ray of Sunshine, bubbly, super fun, and has a lovely mullet. Oh. See, I couldn't even see that. My glasses don't work, but I will believe you. Yeah, a little bit of a mullet. We both have the curls. Rachel's is just in more of a mullet shape than mine.

Mm-hmm. But, yeah, great, great energy. That's awesome. And vacation story. Oh, man. I have one. Yeah. Cued up.

Get it, Mae. Let's hear it. It just came to me. So I have this friend Carolyn Taylor who's been my friend since I was 13. I waited at the stage door of Second City to get her autograph. I was like idolized her. She would have been like 26 or seven at this time. Was she a camp counselor?

No, she was a comedian at Second City. Oh, wait. I think I remember you telling us about meeting going to see that. show, right? I would go all the time. I would go like five nights a week. No book and stuff. Yeah. And then we became friends and had got a, had a real friendship. And now she did this documentary series. I have nothing about figure skating. And she's been, she was in my show Wayward. And I'm obsessed with her. So when I was 25, she agreed to come to the UK to visit me. And I still had this hangover of like, fandom about her. Like I still do, to be honest. And I was like, oh my God. Like she's coming

overseas to see me and I was like I got to plan something fun so I said let me plan a trip to Wales the two of us and let me tell you everything that could have gone wrong went wrong on this trip it was cursed by the gods it was like every train we could miss we missed everyone was like like we were sitting on the platform waiting for our train and then we went to we said to the conductor some guy who worked there there a train never come and he went oh but it did come we're No, we were sitting right here. We didn't see it. Oh, no, but it did, but it was half a train. So you didn't see it. Half a train. Yeah. And then we'd say, okay, well, can we get another train? No, there's no more trains today. And we'd say, well, is there a bus? Oh, yes, there's a bus. Oh, great. But it doesn't run today. No, not in a Tuesday. Everything was like that. And then we'd, we end up in this small town and I've booked this Airbnb. And we open, or no, it was a B&B. So it was run by this woman. She opens the door and this smell hits us like eggs and like, we're like oh and then she welcomes us to our room and it's two single beds in the room which is

embarrassing already this is you know Carolyn at this point is like late 30s you know I'm 25 and she says oh you've got company tonight we say what she points up there's spiders all over the ceiling no no crazy and then like we couldn't get said no no it was like 6 p.m and no one would feed us in the whole town everyone was like oh but we don't serve dinner yet until oh oh oh but we finished our service. No, no, but there's no space here. Sorry, and we're like, what?

Wales hates us. And then finally, we went on this sort of bus ride, winding up to the top of a mountain, and everyone said, oh, you've got to try pizza eats at the top of the mountain. You got to, that's not their accent, by the way. We get up there. We would never know. Yeah, I didn't know.

I mean, I assume that the people in Wales are Irish. No, they're, oh my God. Fortune. They're Welsh. I know, but the way you're talking is Irish. That's a full, I'm doing a full Irish accent, because Welsh is like a lilting. Anyway, so we go up to pizzas. I order just like fish and chips or something. Carolyn orders a bean casserole. Oh, uh-oh. So they're reading out. Part city. Is you just trying to have a terrible vacation on top of a terrible vacation? trying to to the spiders off the ceiling they give you like a number for your order right so they're like okay your order number 98 so we're sitting waiting 20 minutes goes by they're going okay order number 96 we're like oh it's almost us order number 97 we're like oh thank god we're so hungry that we're like every reason to think you need that bean casserole yeah and then okay order number 99 order number 100 we're like what about us oh you're it's not ready yet because of the bean casserole we never usually make that we've never had a anyone to order that before. Then they finally bring. Who orders a bean casserole? And Carolyn eats it and we get on the bus to go back down and she says, she says, she goes green.

She says, I'm going to shit my pants. And I said, this entire casserole of beans. Yeah. I know. Fortune caught onto this right away. And cheese is probably the other part of it. Yeah. Yeah. So I start laughing hysterically. Like we've reached a point of like delirium and we get into town and it was like there's no room at the inn. Like she was knocking on restaurant doors saying, can I use the bathroom? And she was panicking. She's shuffling around. Yeah, those Irish Welsh people were having none of it.

I said, I hope you never find a bathroom, which was a really dark moment of my personality. And then it just in general was the wildest trip. But also, why would you not want her to find a toilet when if she does use her own pants, a toilet, your life will then become very miserable. Yeah, that would be bad for you. Like, even worse than hers, honestly. Wait, but what happened? Did she ever find it?

Well, that's all the time we have. Okay. No, so we said, did she ever find a toilet? We went to the B&B where we were staying and it was locked, but they, that we remember that she'd put our extra luggage in this shed and it had a toilet in there,

but we go in and the toilet's not connected to anything. It's just an empty toilet. Is this toilet day or what? Yeah, so she said, I can't go there. So then we finally found a cafe that said she could use the toilet. But it was like the cafe was the size of the studio at headgum. And the toilet was right there. And it was only like a mesh like there like.

And she had to go and have explosive diarrhea while everyone sitting eating their food just on the other side of this mesh. Oh my God. It was funny. Well, everyone sat eating bean casseroles. Yeah. This is terrible. But we really want to have another go-round. Like, I needed, I want to go for round two with the universe, you know?

No, there's no reason. Yeah, I would be curious if y'all would have a better time. But also, she probably would order something like that again. Exactly. I do feel like. I mean, if we know Caroline. Carolyn, which we do. Is it Caroline or Carolyn?

Carolyn. Well, we know her so well. Yeah, that's why I call her Caroline. She is your type. a person, you would be into her. Me? Yeah. Both of you. But yeah. Okay. All right. Okay, that's my story. Wales's nightmare.

It was cursed. Oh, but the train did come. Oh, but it was a half a train. Oh, no, there's no buses. Yeah. The bus comes tomorrow. Well, I have a story. Yes. My friend was at her house in Colorado. Somebody knocked on the door and asked if she wanted to buy a romantic getaway package. Yeah, you always say yes to that.

And she did. And she bought it to go with her boyfriend. And then they broke up. Oh, my God. So she gives me a ring a ding. And she's like, I bought this romantic getaway. From a stranger that knocked on my door. Yeah, somebody's selling.

Yeah, selling. You know, it's a different time. Right, right. So she buys this package, asks me to go in place of her boyfriend. We go to the Bahamas, okay? And the reason it turns out that this was so cheap was because it was off season, okay? There's nobody there. It's burning hot. Everything is closed. Oh my God. It like it's it and also when we checked into the hotel room, the bed was heart shaped. Of course. Oh my God. Okay. So me and my first.

are sleeping on a heart-shaped bed. And speaking of toilets, I know you love a toilet, May. Yeah. This was like the romantic suite. So we were laughing so hard because the toilet was near the bed. But like it had this little like half a wall kind of like a little look. No, it was like it was a full wall but it had like this little window where you could open the window from the toilet. and look at the bed and it's like what sort of weird relationship like why would you be on the

toilet like you i guess if you just got married and you miss your person you can't not talk you can't be away from them you're on the toilet whether you're doing a duker or um a tanton duker you open you open the little blinds and you're like hi but um oh my god yeah and then and then we also got lured into the like you know go go on a tour and meet with this is so long ago when we did not have enough money to be on a vacation and so when they when the people are like oh do you want to go look at um time share condos and and at the end of the tour you get a free meal so we went and looked at timeshare condos to get a free meal that was so disgusting I've done that oh my gosh it was such a, but it's also that thing where I'm sure with your friend, you probably had a great time.

At the best time. Yeah. We had so much fun and we also, we were taking pictures to create our own pamphlet of like the off season in the Bahamas. And we were just like dripping in sweat. We were so sunburned. Everything was closed and we're lying on the hard shape bed and peeking at each other from the toilet. It's if you can switch your mind to delighting, delighting in the misfortune and stuff, then it's really joyful. Everything in life is about that. It's just like you just have to move a few things around and see it differently and then just have a blast. Yes. That's so funny.

That's my terrible, but good story. I love it. I want to see some of those picks. And I'll send you a pick from the Wales trip to you can see in our eyes the kind of, I have two stories because they're short. Well, one was when I was living in Spain, I went up to London to visit a friend of mine who was studying abroad in London. And another friend of mine who was also living in Spain came with me.

And we wanted to all take a trip to Scotland together to Edinburgh. and our, you know, planes from London to Edinburgh are not that expensive, but our friend was really cheap and she was like, I think we should just take the bus and we were like, did it really research it? You know, because this was like pre, this was like when internet cafes were the thing we had to pay for internet.

So we didn't really research how long that would be. And the buzz ended up being like eight hours overnight, miserable. We were like, holy shit, why did we agree? to do this. This is crazy. We get to our hostel and it's like we've arrived at like 6 a.m. They're like you can't check in to like, you know, two or something. So we're like wandering about Edinburgh and the cold and we're just like, you know, have nowhere to go because nothing's open yet. Then we go finally get into the hostel. We get this room and it's nice and cozy and we're like, oh, this is lovely. And we go hike Arthur's seat.

and my friend falls down the mountain. No. No. Like rolling falls down the mountain. Falls down. Oh my God. Not like we need a hospital, but like she's limping now of the rest of the trip and we had to get a walking stick for her clothes are ruined and muddy. That's quite a hike too.

Yeah, it was crazy. And then we then we go like. clean her up and we go to dinner and like we're starting to have a good time and we're like I can't wait to get back to our hostel that cozy warm room we get back to the hostel and it's only like I mean it's like 7 p.m. it's not that late and our the lights are off in the room and we realize that all of our luggage is like in this put in the center of the room and we're like what is happening and um we turn the lights on and they're people sleeping in our beds and they just like moved our luggage to the middle of the room.

And we're like, what? But none of them wake up. They're all still asleep. So we go down to the front desk and we're like, hey, there are people in our room. And they're like, oh, shoot. Yeah, our bad. But like we're totally booked tonight. Oh, my God.

So they're like, okay. but like that was our room and they didn't want to like wake these people up so they ended up putting us in like the the basically the workers quarters where there is like 40 bunk beds in this basement of the people like that work there and it's free it is a dungeon and it is like freezing cold and so we have to sleep in the workers quarters where like with all these Like 30 other strangers are in there. Oh my God. And we're like shivering through the night only to like, you know, the next day, get on another. I think we say like one more day. We got a proper room and then had to take an eight-hour bus back. It was like this is the worst trip of our lives.

Wow. I've done that. Any fun ultimately? Did you have, I mean, is it? Not enough fun to warrant all of that. Like, I mean, we had. You know, I haven't been back to Scotland since, which I know it's not Scotland's fault, but it was just like one disaster after another.

That like subterranean Edinburgh cold, like the stones and everything's damp and yeah. Yeah, everything's damp and overcast. It was like that time of year where you just felt worse, just walking around. It's crazy. You're right. Like these days you would just check Reddit and there'd be a thousand people going, oh, don't take the bus. It's worth flying. Like, and it's so useful.

Like, all of us were... Expend another 50 euros. It's worth it. Yeah, but now we get to have... The whole time we were like, I can't believe we did this. Oh my gosh. At least we got to have these crazy adventures. These days very sanitized way of living.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the other trip that made me laugh, and it was more of like an overnight trip from L.A. down to San Diego. But I can't remember if I told this before, but this was years and years. years ago and I had just gotten dumped and it was like a week before Valentine's Day and my best friend Andrea who listens to this pod shout out. Shout out. Hey girl. Hey girl. Um, she had just, she was going through a breakup and, uh, we decided my cousin was like, he was like, oh, like I hate that you're sad. Like come down for Valentine's Day. We'll go out to dinner and we're like, okay. So she goes with me down

there and we're just like two sad sacks that like everyone people were starting to recognize me from like Chelsea lately or whatever and they're like hey girl how are you it's like I just got dumped I'm sad that's what I would do that's what I would do immediate over here yeah and they're both like okay you don't have to tell everybody then you just got dumped but like literally every person I was like I just got I got dumped I'm really sad yeah and then she and I like were we're like this is the saddest Valentine's Day. So we went to the grocery store and bought bubble bath and went back to the hotel and intervating suits. Yes.

To go bath together. Oh, I think you told that. That sounds familiar. Yeah, yeah. Well, that doesn't matter on here. We're big supporters of friends taking back. Because that made us laugh so hard. That's so great.

We were making bubble bath moustaches and stuff. But I'll never forget just telling people how sad I was. And I was bumming everyone out. Yeah. They were trying to have like a nice Valentine's Day dinner. And they were so pumped to see me. And I was like, I'm not great. Yeah.

I did that with cancer. Everywhere I went, people would be like, how are you doing? Like, you know, I'd be at a bar and I'd be like, oh, not great. I have cancer. Yeah. I'll have a drink. Yeah. Yeah, no one knows what to say after that.

Everyone's like, okay, well, hope your night turns around. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was me filming wayward and trying to inspire confidence as a leader and showrunner, but still everyone's like, how's it going? I'm like, well, I opened a bear portal and my life's over. Can't seem to close it. Yeah.

I think we all just wear hearts on our sleeves. That's probably what it is. That's our superpower. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, should we hear what Rachel has to say? Yes, we shall. We should.

My worst vacation story happened about five years ago. My wife and I got into camping, because as a lesbian couple, you're either going to dabble in veganism or campingism. And we decided to go camping because my wife and I really wanted to go to the Rocky Mountain National Park. And specifically, my wife really wanted to see a big horn sheep. And so we borrowed a tent from one of my friends. And my friend was like, this tent is great. The only thing is that it's not waterproof, so don't get it wet.

So we got to the national park, but it was already nighttime. And so it was pitch black. And I could not find where our campsite was. So I see a grassy knoll and I'm like, here seems good. We've set up our campsite. We're like, here we are. We go to sleep. 10 minutes later, all of the sprinklers turned on and absolutely annihilated the tent.

I'm like, we're under attack. I opened up the, you know how there's like a zipper door situation? I opened it up and the sprinklers just nailed me right in the face. Water's getting inside the tent. I'm freaking out. I was like, babe, we're under attack. Grab. grab the tent. We move everything like a couple yards over. Go back to sleep. Ten minutes later,

boom. New sprinklers. Just nailing the tent. I'm like, we just move from one sprinkler section to another sprinkler section. It was so upsetting that we just decided to leave immediately. We just packed up and drove overnight until the morning. In the morning, I looked out the window. I saw a big horn sheep. I woke up my wife. I was like, Dave, it's your big horn sheep. And my wife was still so upset about all the sprinklers that she just looked out the window and went, I don't give a sheep. I don't give a sheep. Anytime anyone is upset in our marriage. You got, I don't give a sheep. That's great. Well done. I don't give a sheep. Watch your mouth. Mm-hmm. I really like that. Oh my God. But yeah, to be in a wet tent overnight, no, thank you. No, I think I'm not. Even during the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also driving through the night is terrible. and then seeing a sheep and not caring anymore is really bad. That's heartbreaking. It's sad. Tigg, if you saw a mountain goat and you didn't care, I did. When I was visiting my brother,

we did go to a local farm and visit little baby goats. And they were hopping all over the place. And I couldn't, I couldn't stand it. It was so cute. It's too much. Oh, that's so good.

Did you agree that lesbians get to a point where they choose either camping or veganism? Yeah, I've overlapped. Have you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, don't forget that our podcast is now also available on Hulu. Yes, it is. On top of where you have been listening or watching it before, you can also catch us on Hulu. Check out Hansompod.com for all your merch needs. There's some really good stuff on there. And thank you to everyone who came to our live show in L.A. It was incredible. Yes, it was a good time. I always love a live show.

And also, congrats to us winning two Webbies. That's right. We won two Webby Awards. It's like I'm blowing my whole trend of not winning anything. I know. It's such a bummer. Yeah. Our podcasts won't stop winning.

Can't stop. Can't stop. Can't stop. Won't stop. Thanks to our listeners, subscribe and rate and review. It is so helpful to this show. And check us out, like Fortune said on Hulu. And I'm going to be on Twitter.

tour, tignotaro.com. I'm also at Largo and Dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles, working on my stuff. Amazing. I am doing the final few dates of my tour. If you're in Denver, Colorado, on May 8th, we just added a late show. There's still tickets left for that at 10 p.m. Kansas City, May 9th, still some tickets. St. Louis, May 10th, there's just like a handful of tickets. And then Nashville, my last show of the whole tour. Come see me. off. It's 7.30 and that's on sale. Speaking of Nashville, look at that. Nashville comedy festival. Anyway, go ahead, Fortune.

I'm in Toronto this weekend, May 8th at Massey Hall, in Reading, Pennsylvania, and then my Europe tour, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Copenhagen, London, and Dublin. And then I'm back in the States for Rochester, Minnesota, Cedar Rapids, Omaha, Portland, Maine, and Detroit, and Red Bank, New Jersey. So get those tickets at my website. And until next time. Keep it out

Handsome. Hansom is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feamster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at HandsomePod at gmail.com, and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod. What a podcast! What a podcast!

That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I have a good mantra before my big meditation retreat. This is a cosmic disaster. Now I'm chanting keep it handsome over and over and I'm not getting anywhere closer to inner peace. Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds.

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That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot.

A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episode. every Tuesday.