Handsome - Reese Witherspoon asks about gifts

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Reese Witherspoon rings in the holidays by asking Handsome about GIFTS! Plus more songs, laughs, and whiskey-sipping than any episode to date! Thanks for listening to Handsome in 2023, and see you in 2024.Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comEmail the show: [e-mail]🌏 Get Exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ https://nordvpn.com/HANDSOMEVPN It’s risk-free with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! ✌See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Our drinks are right there. Welcome to Handsome! Good job, Mae! You're listening to the Handsome Pod.

I am Mae Martin. I'm Tig Notaro. And I'm Fortune Feimster. And we're... Handsome! We're coming to you once again in person. Yeah, in person in the same room in Tig's

office. In our suits. Cozy, feeling suave. It's so cozy in here. Yeah, you have a nice office. In her suits. Feeling cozy, feeling suave. It's so cozy in here. Yeah, you have a nice office. Thank you. Did you just wink at each other? Tig just winked at me because I winked at Tig a few minutes ago.

And Tig went, ugh. Like, it was jarring for you. Have I misunderstood our friendship? Can I tell you, I winked at, I'm not a big winker. Okay. I was at the Minneapolis airport years ago. I was sitting alone in the food court eating. And this girl that was maybe 20 was walking around the food court with her tray of food and I'm sorry you can dress however you want on an airplane but she had cut off short shorts with like maybe some parts of her body hanging out of the short shorts and um for sure and she when she walked by me I was so I was I had never seen somebody dress like that in an airport.

And I really hadn't. Yeah. People normally are not in like they're going for comfort. Yeah. Yeah. And she came over by me. I had a mouthful of food and I winked at her. Oh, my God.

Not because I was attracted to her. She wouldn't have thought that. Well, guess what? She winked back. She said, oh, I guess I'll sit here. No. Oh, yeah. She sat down at the table with me.

Wow. And I was eating sushi. Okay. And I had a big sushi bite in my mouth you know those are hard to handle sometimes yeah yeah yeah and I'm like trying to chew this sushi while this like 20 year old in like short shorts is sitting down with me and I'm like this is not at all what I was I was winking because I had food in my mouth and I was trying to acknowledge her because she was trying to find a place to sit. And I don't I don't.

Wait a second. So what happened? Who does that though? Who goes out? That person's trying to find a place to sit. I'll wink at them just so they know. I do. Yeah.

I didn't know that I do. And I was I was I felt so weird and horrible. She was into it, though. No, I don't think she was attracted to me. I don't know what happened. She was like, oh, this is a great place to sleep. Well, I guess I'm safe here. Here's a 40-year-old winking at me in an airport.

So you just had lunch together? Yeah, and had an awkward exchange in the food court. Oh, my God. It was terrible. Oh, my gosh. gosh i know i hope she's listening i hope she's listening i've always thought about i bet her day i sat down with tig yeah like her version of that story is take me sorry yeah wink to me i sat down we really which is basically an invitation for me to have lunch with her meanwhile i'm like i accidentally winked at a 20-year-old who sat at my lunch table in the food court in Minneapolis.

So you're very particular with who you wink at now. I don't wink at people. Except you. It doesn't sound like it. Except you. You're winking willy-nilly. Yeah. Well, I'm sitting at your table now.

Are you winkers? Yes, I am. I winked at you like three minutes ago. And Tick literally went, ah. Yeah. I have to say, I really, it does something to me. When someone winks at me, like a pointed wink across a room or something, especially if it's someone that you kind of are seeing or something,

they wink at you and give you that attention. You're into it. It's like a bullet to my has it happened many times to you that you've gotten a pointed wink what if i had winked at me from across the room i don't know what would be happening right now i think i maybe i've seen it in movies i and then now because it's become like a i have a wink kink and so i'm like i kind of have a wink kink now. And so if I'm dating someone, I might say, hey, give me a wink tonight. So many fans are going to be winking at you now. I love it.

Because to me, it's either saying like, like, we're going to have sex or like we just had sex. If they wink, I've never associated it to. But now I'll never forget the term wink kink. So wait, we just had sex. Like you wrap it up. It's like we've got a little secret hey how was it i guess that would be weird if it was like a post quite like uh do you like it well that's oh you don't like little cowboy wait you can't little cowboy yeah look if george clooney's going

sure oh so you're into george clooney oh if he's winking. Okay. Why didn't we talk about George Clooney? No, we talked about Brad Pitt. Did we? Why were we talking about Brad Pitt? When we had to name our male, what male celebrities we would get with. George Clooney didn't come up, I think. George Clooney did not, but Brad Pitt did. Yeah, he doesn't do anything for me.

I could see that he is an attractive person. I mean, obviously, the majority of men are not. Hot wife. His wife's hot. His wife's hot. Hot wife alert. Hot wife. Yeah, I would probably lean more towards her.

One, she's like a lawyer. She's smart. Yeah. I'm all Clooney. It's crazy that we know all these things about these people, right? And her name is like, I'm all about it. I'm all about Clo her name is like i'm all i'm all about it i'm all about cluny yeah i'm all about cluny i'm all what if her middle name was about oh my god i'm all about cluny wait did you guys know that hugh i think i've said this hugh grant his middle name

is mungo so his name is hugh mungo grant no that's a true fact no you can take that straight to the bank i am refusing you're refusing the mayfax google it mungo yeah his middle name is mungo so caitlin's they did this on purpose i his parents mungo grant grant so his parents must have been fucking with him or or it just a common British, like, Mungo. It sounds like posh, but. Yeah, Hugh Mungo Grant. Kaylin can confirm. Hugh John Mungo Grant. Hugh John Mungo. OK, well, you missed a part of it. Hugh John Mungo. Can we detract the May fact? I mean, but May was right that Mungo was a middle name. And how do you know this? I don't know.

I picked these things up. When you were in the UK, probably. I got eyes on the streets. How long were you in the UK for? 12 years. 12 years? Yeah. That's a long time.

Yeah, a long time. Yeah. I don't think I sound, but you guys think I sound Pontus. You sound more Canadian to me than you do a UK thing, right? I can see a bit of a mix of okay all right you probably had some influence there that's why you say pompties i don't think i do but i and we have it we have it i don't think i do you a-holes fortune watch your Sorry, dick assholes. You know, this is like a holiday-ish episode. And I will say England at the holidays is very, very beautiful.

It's very cozy. Like everything's old. Tell us about it with your accent. I think of love actually. Yeah, it's love actually. It's like, oh, good morning. There's a fresh sprinkling of snow on the cobblestones. Shall we all have a lovely suet pudding or whatever it is?

What do they do? Are there holidays? Is their Christmas holiday different than ours? No, it's just like dialed up to 100. It's like similar to, but, you know, carol services. And I used to go spend every Christmas there. What do you mean carol services? You can pay people to go caroling?

No, like you go to the church and you sing. Oh, right, right. very different very different i know you get someone to go caroling no like in church well you thought i meant like a service a service where you we provide caroling if we get the whole car that We wish you a Merry Christmas. That's a pretty good app, actually. But they do the Christmas Eve stuff. Yeah. Christmas Day, eat dinner. It's cold.

You get your spiced wine. You know what I mean? And we used to go and see, because my grandma is English, or was. The agent. The agent. I love your grandma story. Oh, yeah.

She's got a problem area. She doesn't. But yeah, she had a bidet. So we would go and we would see like plays that she that her clients were in and stuff. It was like a big perk. And we saw The Wind in the Willows, this like Christmas production of it. And there were these. I remember.

I don't know why I'm talking or thinking about this actually, but I remember all these podcasts. Yeah. Why are we doing it? We're sitting in suits in my office on a Tuesday night, on a Tuesday night. Yeah. Yeah.

Go on. So I just remember, you know, wind in the willows is about the mole and the rat and the badger. I don't know this no i don't fortune do you go against one are you serious i don't know the wind in the willows it's he's talking no matter how many times you repeat the wind and the willows i don't know remind y'all of the movie willow and y'all thought i was crazy that's true i knew willow smith

anyway so not personally there it's like these animals and there's kind of a war in the animal kingdom and anyway I just it was so magical to me because the there were kids in the cast and it was at this big theater and they played little rabbits and they would all they had fake snow that would come down and they'd all sing in the bleak midwinter and then a weasel comes in and grabs one of the kids and takes it off to eat and everyone's all the rabbits are screaming but i loved it you know kids love this kids love like a scary thing i think or at least i did and i was like i want to play that rabbit that gets grabbed by the weasel oh yeah what does that say about you wanted to be grabbed i wanted

i wanted to be in the cast and i wanted to be a child actor that got grabbed by the weasel and i imagined all the conversations i would have with this actor playing the weasel about how to grab how to grab me and here's what's so weird yeah weasel never comes up in my life and just two nights ago i was with friends and our sons, they like to play this game of like, I'm thinking of an animal and guess what it is. Yeah. And I thought, oh, this is great. I'll say weasel. Yeah.

Or I'll think of a weasel. And that's going to be hard. Yeah. Nobody's going to go weasel. Yeah, weasel. And it took, and it's impossible to stump Stephanie with anything. And I stumped her. And then they were like what is it and I

said it's a weasel and everybody's like weasel and then here I am two days later hearing about a weasel weasel and what this weaseled its way right back into my life yeah yeah what does this mean nothing absolutely nothing nothing means nothing did you ever when you were a kid you'd see like a kid on tv and you'd think that'd be really fun to play that part because i'd be around all the grown-ups and i'd be like having lunch with the weasel wait you're saying as a child wanting to you wanted to be an actor yeah i guess i wanted to be playing that or you wanted to be that character in real life no i wanted to be an actor because because your grandma was an agent so you're like i've got it in you knew your grandma would sign you yeah maybe she refused she didn't she was very strict she

would she didn't want you in the biz no she did not well she no when i started doing comedy on my own then she was she was okay yeah was she like kid you got what it takes yeah no she was like she wanted it to be very squeaky clean okay your grandma's accent what was it even like it was like we won't know yeah yeah so you can do whatever you want okay well she would do a lot of um said the actress to the vicar oh my god i love your grandma yeah she'd do a lot of innuendo yeah and she was she was hilarious yeah but you know when you're a kid and your parents take you to some holiday event and then after you're like maybe you stay up later than you normally would and then you're in the back of the car and it's cold out and you're all cozy and yeah you love a

cozy christmas yeah not so much my parents didn't take us to Christmas things right and it was warm when when you grew up was it warm in Mississippi well Mississippi, Texas I lived in both places but it was more of just

I feel like all we really did was the peanut special oh yeah the christmas and that was before streaming and all that or even renting it on vhs you knew what night yeah the peanut special was gonna be on it was like and so we'd watch that and then my mother would play she had you know record player and we'd listen to christmas music nice that's nice our only thing that we would do together uh was in the south you know you go to christmas eve service at church yeah so we would do that but i remember one christmas eve we

discovered uh south park oh really uh we turned it on before we go to church. And he goes, it's a piece of doo-doo. And he goes, doo-doo? Howdy ho. I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas pooh. Yeah. We're all crying, laughing.

The whole family? The whole family's watching this. My mom's kind of mortified because her boyfriend was there. And my brothers are Before church. My mom's kind of mortified because her boyfriend was there. Yeah. And my brothers are crying going, how do? I'm a Shaggy. The Christmas food. And she's like, let's go to church. Oh my god.

We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great.

My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. your gut with Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic, go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seed's DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the showacks and it is back baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up, and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia

Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. But we would always go to church. Some Christmases we went to two services We went to our church What's that? Go on The United Methodist Church The United Methodist In case you're wondering And then to the Lutheran Church

Because they had a great choir And you just couldn't get enough We couldn't get enough of Jesus Well, we got all of our Jesus in Now we gotta go hear the good tunes The good tunes They sounded amazing Let's hear a little uh

sing noel sing noel noel noel they also this is the only reason i do this show also not just to hear you but to see where your face goes you know the banger no holy night let's hear it the souls of brightly shining it is the night of our dear Savior's birth. That's the banger? Yeah, that's the banger. Guys, it's not Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It's his church. It's gotta be about Jesus.

That's Jesus. Jesus is all... Hold on. The Lord night. That was the note. What if you blinked open your eyes we weren't here this podcast never existed you're just sitting in a suit singing christmas carol you don't even know how hard that note was i don't think you do or what if you did that you hit the note i don't

think i hit me either you close your eyes you hit the note wow i didn't expect to go there tonight what about away in a manger what's that one we're just requesting the crib for a bed the little lord jesus lay down his sweet head i like fairy tale of New York what's that you know it's you were drunk you were pretty all in New York City oh yes oh I hate you I love you

keep going it's like a duet okay do one in your Canadian accent then the other side in Debbie okay okay how does it go can you give me the first line someone Okay, do one in your Canadian accent, then the other side in Debbie. Okay, okay. How does it go? Who cares?

Can you give me the first line, someone? What? A fairy tale of New York. Thomas was opening a Facebook account. I love you, Lord Jesus. I beg thee to stay. Oh, yeah. I was just passing the time until we found out So Debbie and Canadian

Debbie and Canadian I don't remember how it goes after that one Doesn't matter So Canadian It was Christmas Eve babe And then Debbie In the drunk tank An old man

Said to me I've got a lovely one or something like that and then i'd go he's back to his facebook yeah thomas is making your christmas list of what he wants you gotta get into this tune honestly i'm into it we're into it right now i need more eyes and ears we're gonna have to google it did you ever get the giggles oh i love googling don't get too excited on googling as soon as this wraps up i'm googling have have we heard what did you giggle in church like would you get the like laugh attack we have to back up and say did you go to church oh yeah oh you know did you not go to church how'd you get out of it being in the cell well i mean we went until i was in probably sixth grade or something and then

my brother and i were like yeah yeah i had to go as part of school for a couple years it was like an anglican school so we'd have like morning assembly and stuff i would cry laugh like just knowing you're not supposed to laugh like i miss that when you're not supposed to laugh and you're just aching like and you think i'm gonna die did you get that at church when there's oh yeah when i was little yeah i had to go every sunday till i went to college wow really and do your parents still go uh my mom was was on and off, but she's back. So now she's volunteering. She's back.

She's back. She means business. They reeled her back in. But she's very, she wants people to know she is a United Methodist member, not the other one because the church split over gay folks. Okay, well, that's good. And she's on the side that likes and accepts gay people. And did she hop over once you were like, surprise?

No, we were always United Methodist. Oh, okay. But in the last couple of years, when it happened, they voted about accepting gay people into the clergy. And I don't know what was up for vote. The people that did not approve split and started their own Methodist church. So she's very verbal about being in the United Methodist one.

Right, right. Yeah, so she goes to church now. She's back at it. I think I'm going to go home for Christmas Eve, so I'll probably end up at church. Yeah. It's a nice vibe. I don't mind it on Christmas Eve.

Y'all heard me jam out to- We did. Yeah. I heard the banger. To these songs. I think- Silent night. It kind of reminds me.

Holy night. I mean, how could I not do that at church? I don't know. All is calm. all is bright. See, that's my church singing voice, in case you didn't know. No, I did. I didn't think that was your rocker dude. No.

What about Jerusalem, that hymn Jerusalem? Do you know that one? Can you sing it? Bring me my bow of burning gold. Bring me my arrows of desire. I don't know this one. I like the real dramatic ones. Like, Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?

would one day walk on water. Mary, did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters? Did you know that your baby boy Sorry. Also, it's almost accusatory. Yeah. Did you know? And it's like, what is Mary doing on the other side of that?

It's like get off my lawn. Yeah, get out of my manger. And at some point you sing, is the great I am. It's very dramatic. Is the great? The great I am. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Grandma got run over by a reindeer now you know what i don't know how it's christmas eve

some people say there's no such thing as santa but as for me and grandpa we believe i was always pretty creeped out by uh i saw mommy kissing santa claus that oh yeah because it seemed like santa was a creep yeah but it was the dad it was the dad i get that now yeah but oh i didn't get that until just now are you serious promise you always thought the mom was cheating you're not saying i was trying to get some that's how much i believed in santa i was like wow this very moment. Wow. I'm really. All the wheels are falling. I'm almost 53.

That's crazy. Okay. And, you know, Stephanie and I, we went to our kids school for the teacher conference. Yeah. And we were talking about just that. And I do feel like our sons are a little mature for their age. And you can really be in a moment of feeling like, wow, they really, they can sit down and really talk to you about certain things in the news and sports and whatever. And then they fully believe in Santa.

And you're like, oh, gosh, right. They're just seven and a half. The other thing, aside from Santa, that blew my mind when we were talking to the teachers is that there are two teachers. Max has a teacher. Finn has a teacher in separate classes. And one teacher turns into a mad scientist and it's the same person obviously that just has a wig and a and a lab coat amazing and the kids believe that that is a different no yes love that and and then the other teacher turns into a real bitch. I can't remember what it was. But there was also on St. Patrick's Day, they were saying that there was like a little leprechaun.

Yeah. And then when the kids went out to play, they came back in and Max and Finn came home telling us. They're like, oh, my gosh, a leprechaun came in and and wrecked our class yeah they did that when i was in kindergarten green dye in the toilet and turned like a desk upside down the kids really believed a leprechaun went nuts in their classroom i was pretty special yeah and when i was in kindergarten we came back in from play and and all the bins were everywhere yeah they're like did you know that's a little bastard well and then there's some uh some animal that was a stuffed animal and the kids were talking about how it was a stuffed animal yeah but the teacher i think when the teacher turned it into some other

character said it was actually a real whatever animal and the kids were saying i think it's a stuffy which is what they call stuffed animals okay and then while the kids went out to play in the playground they came back in and there was like a poorly written note that said i'm not a stuffy and the kids were like oh my god and completely believe it. Well, I love that stuff. You're supposed to be, you know, be gullible when you're a kid. I know. Did you have older siblings that would fuck with you?

My brother said there was a baby penguin that would come at night, a baby penguin. And, um, he would put plasticine out and be like, we'll see if it leaves footprints. And then he must've been making little baby penguin footprints. And I was like,

he for sure was one million. I think he might have been making little baby penguin footprints and i was like he for sure was by the way one million i think he might have been yeah but i was obsessed with baby penguin he'd write letters from baby penguin that's so cute it was pretty good i was always trying to even though i believed in santa i was trying to prove him wrong uh and prove that he didn't exist even though i didn't know i would try to um anytime my parents left out toys from santa i would be like there's a sticker from the store on this uh-huh yeah i don't know if this is from santa and they were like can you just believe oh my god scream at you on christmas you just believe already I was always trying to like find the presents before they, I don't know why I was like determined to know what I was going to get.

And to know it wasn't from Santa. The naughty nice list freaks me out. But yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm, I'm now going to be maybe around a five-year-old on Christmas. I guess I got to,

you for sure will. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You live with her. I guess I'm going to be around a. You for sure will. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You're living with her. You live with her. I guess I'm going to be around a five-year-old. Yeah, unless you become the unfortunate dad that leaves. In some 90s movie.

Yeah. I got work to do. But she believes in Santa, yeah? Yeah, so I got to tell the line, I guess. So you're going to have to leave out cookies and milk. That's so fun, though. For the reindeer, and carrots for the reindeer. Carrots for the reindeer.

Yeah. In LA, you could also leave out oat milk or almond milk. Thank you. Yes, of course. Great, great. My mother used to write in her own handwriting. Oh, really? You're joking.

Yeah. Two-tig from Santa. And I never put it together. It's just like that's what handwriting is. Have we said this on the podcast already that i want to take a picture with santa claus and the three of us like in a mall where we're all sitting on his lap thomas put it on can we add that yeah actually would be in our suits yeah right we already have an olin mills uh situation i can't wait to review our list we have a is accumulating. We have a lot to do. We're going to take like a weekend

and do all these things, right? If not an entire month, we have a long list. Should we hear what our guest today has to say? Yeah, this is a very exciting one. We have a very special guest. They're all very special. Everyone's very special. This is a very exciting one We have a very special guest They're all very special This is a huge movie star

Is she? Yeah Really? Because we've been in a movie together You have been in a movie together I'm in a movie with her that's coming Really? I don't know the name of it I'd like to be one day

She's pretty awesome You know her from so many iconic roles. I mean, Legally Blonde. Legally Blonde. Sweet Home Alabama. Your Place or Mine. The Morning Show. She's also a TV star.

Big Little Lies. Big Little Lies. Little Fires Everywhere. Her production company, Hello Sunshine, has a book club that's wildly successful yeah you were on uh the morning show i had a little cameo as myself so in the world of the morning show i am me yeah did you do like a walk-on i did like my walk-on role to the morning show it was um like they had an up front and I was a comedian at the upfront.

That's awesome. Playing myself. But she's a pretty little lady. We love her. Reese Witherspoon's got a question for us. Oh, hello, handsome pod. It's Reese Witherspoon. I love you all so much.

I'm so excited to be on your podcast today. I want to say, first of all, season's greetings. It is the holiday season and i have a very important question for you which is what is the best gift you've ever received or the best gift you've ever given i can't believe she said i love you all so much and that includes me it doesn't to be fair she doesn't know who's on this show. She does, too. Stop it. No, I talked with her about our podcast. You did? Yeah, she thinks it's awesome.

She's very in the know with all the podcast world and books and all that stuff. She's in the know. Oh, everything. Everything. Really? Every single thing. She does know everything that's going on. She's a boss.

That's a really good question. Best gift you've ever gotten or given the holidays. I'm trying to think. You know, I know right off the bat. Yeah. There was this organization in Los Angeles that I thought was so incredible called A Place Called Home. And they help, you know, kids that are struggling, yeah, at risk, homeless, all sorts of, they're incredible, what they've created. And I was telling Stephanie just how blown away I was by this organization. And then for Christmas, I opened this and uh she had made a donation to a place

called home and i burst into tears really i was like i was so not expecting that yeah that's very and it was just it was like it was just something not that i said in passing to her but i just i was like god this place it's so great yeah and then so it's a combination of like how thoughtful she was and then also the place called home yes but yeah it just hit me all at once and i burst into ugly tears and she was like oh my gosh are you okay i was like i didn't see this guy i was i was so floored that's great that's really great yeah i know i'm trying to think of my mom was notoriously terrible at giving gifts really um to me because she she would give me the gifts that she wanted

yeah my mother did that too like she would only give me things that she liked so every year like any other a pretty little lady would have loved these gifts like makeup kits everything like girly yeah and so every christmas i'd be like huh this sucks see mine was more like before i was right my family i was raised on Willie Nelson and I appreciated Willie Nelson. Yeah. Like ran through the deep, deep veins of my family, my mother, my grandmother, all of these people. But when I was eight, I didn't want the redheaded stranger album. You know, I just, that's not what I was looking for.

And I want to just make a public service announcement if you have a child and you are just showering them with what you like or you liked as a child yeah move on move on well finally as I got older, I started feeling grateful. Like, I should be grateful for whatever gifts give them. But I never liked any gifts she gave me ever. Were they, like, really feminine? It was very feminine stuff. I was not out yet. It wasn't.

Yeah. We hadn't, you know, gone into the, like, I'm gay talk. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, anyone else could have picked up that I was a giant tomboy. Yeah. You know give me a soccer ball. I would be like great. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Yeah. It was always very makeup forward

blout a lot of blouses. Oh. Blouse. Blouse. She gave money to my sister-in-law one year to buy me the girly clothes and anybody else was like amazing school and i was like i can't wear any of these they're all blouses that is also that word is horrible i'm gonna get you a new blouse ping me in the blouse so finally one christmas as i got older

and i felt i felt so weird doing this but I was like this is good like she's just wasting money and I don't want her to waste money yeah I said mom can I show you like of the presents you've given me what I'm into can I show you boys underwear can I just show you that and then you surprise me so I like made a. And it was like some snacks on this side. It was like mounds of makeup and girly stuff over here. Like what she spent all the money on. Yeah. This was like a $50 Chili's gift card and like a can of tennis balls and like a couple snacks.

I was like, I'm into this pile. Oh, oh, oh. And it finally clicked. goes oh yeah after all those years of hers wasted money there is nothing more depressing than when like someone you're dating gives you something that shows you that they don't know you at all like um who's that chef that passed away anthony bourdain i i don't know who he is I've never expressed any interest and somebody bought me an Anthony Bourdain like poster I want to say and I was like huh but then I had one a wonderful ex of mine I just finished filming feel good so I was really exhausted and

and I'm hard to shop for I guess but, but I love escape rooms. And she turned her apartment and her neighbor's apartment into like a giant escape room. And it was, she had spent so much time with all of these clues. And it was like, in one part, I had to put together a phone number. Then I called the number and she'd arranged to have like my friend pick up and give me another clue.

And then, and it was also quite scary. And then it ended, and I ended up finding her in like a bed or whatever. And that was a good present. That was a great present. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to escape the room to get to the sexy time. Yeah.

Although then it became a present for her, I felt, at the end. Because it was like, here I am. You did all the work. Yeah, yeah. But it was really. This is your present. Yeah. It was very thoughtful. i liked that a lot i don't know what the best gift i've given is i'm terrible i'm not great at giving gifts really you know why

i'll tell you why why because you don't care about gifts i don't i don't care about and i remember you saying that and i feel like i'm not the greatest at it either and i'm not into gifts yeah i don't need anything like that experiences i love it yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm kind of more like can i give you like a $200 gift card but i also notice very much when somebody is incredible at giving gifts then you have to clock so good they want a good gift oh oh interesting restraints restraints me as someone who's really good at like remembers what people mention like it's thoughtful and it's like some handcrafted something or like some nice something i don't know you don't think so but she could have someone else do it right she could have someone else i need to hire someone yeah it doesn't tom cruise like

always gives the same he gives it it's i'm i know about this i've never gotten it but i'm very well aware of it because i love cake he has a tom cruise cake he gives it to everyone he's worked with it's a cake from a bakery in woodland hills called dones or something like that and it is called the tom cruise cake. Wow. I talked about it once. Someone from Gold Belly sent it to me. What's Gold Belly? Where you can like order things from restaurants all over the country

and have it shipped to places. And it was a Tom Cruise cake. It's like a Bundt cake. It's got coconut and like white chocolate chips. You cannot have it. You can't have it. But it is so good. Really? And every year you like, he remembers everyone's birthday. He has a long list of all these people

I've never been on it. He doesn't remember everyone's birthday. Are you new to this industry? He hires someone who remembers all these. He doesn't even remember that people have birthdays. But I'm just like, does he work with someone and does he whisper to him, this isn't it and put him on the cake list?

He must, right? That's probably what Simon does. I want to be on this cake list. Have you worked with him? Never. He's not going to be like, we're going to get fortune on this. Well, maybe he'll listen to Handsome. Okay, Tom, if you are listening.

Yeah, that would be the greatest gift. Could you get fortune on the cake list? And then if I could get on one with vegan ingredients, and then if we could get May on the cake list, hold the coconut. Y'all are being very difficult. I just want it as is. Yeah.

But to me, that would be the greatest gift, a cake that's tasty. So you're saying you do not enjoy a disgusting rotten cake. I don't want a gross cake. Okay. No, Tom. No. Don't wander off.

Fortune does not want a gross cake. No. No. So I can't even remember like a good present I've given someone. Sounds like you've done a terrible job. Have you given Js anything jacks has had many presents okay like but i mean lots of jewelry bags jewelry bags basically anything she wants i like taking people away for a weekend or something or like uh against their will against

their will well i i do pressure people into these escape room immersive I just this weekend was just brought three friends to do a fun thing and we ended up being chased by a cannibal we had to hide in a dark in the escape room? yes and they were like why is this fun for you like really scared but oh man

I loved it I had no idea you I knew you liked them I didn't know to the extent i love them i'm doing them every week oh when i'm on tour and i see an escape room i think of you yeah i do i'd love to do the best one if anyone wants to sponsor this or if there's an escape room company i want to work with you okay to design this is where we all tell what we want yeah i like a tom cruise cake i would just like money donated to homeless children. I know, you're being so sincere. And I'm like, I didn't like any present my mom gave me.

I just want cake. Well, we should probably put that on the list, too. That we do an escape room together. Oh, my God. You'd see a side of me that i don't know if you would i've only done it once take that off the list scratch that why isn't anyone having their whiskey i've only done one escape room it was with lance bass he was really good at it he got us out of the pickle we were in i'd love to do one with lance

your pinky up there put a lance on that list in the escape room. I've been given some nice bourbons for Christmas. Yeah. I like that. Okay. Jax's stepdad is a collector of fine bourbons and whiskey. And he's gifted us some really nice. My brother does too.

He has a whole collection. And that's where all the whiskey in my office comes from. Oh, nice. Yeah. This is not all of it. This one's a really, it's strong, but it's smooth. It tastes good. What is it?

Do we know? I don't know. We're falling off the rails. It tastes like it's something good. My dream present is someone gives me a treasure map or like a clue that's like, this is going to take you 10 years to figure out. 10 years to figure out. 10 years. But when you get there, I will have left a note. Or like finding a.

I will have left a note. Provided. After 10 years. Provided that global warming hasn't created a situation that's washed it away. No, hear May out. There's a note. I think it's just about the hunt and the grat even if the note is just like you found me okay wait i have a question for you yeah it's just about the hunt

yeah is that your personality oh it's just about the hunt no in my 20s yeah it was all about the chase yeah yeah yeah no i'm very and now you're like i'd like to spend 10 years searching for a note yeah i just want a humble note yes just to say even just a note or a gift certificate to go to homeless children yes of course okay or like with whiskey what i my my fantasy is finding like a washed up pirate chest and inside is like a bottle of whiskey that is 400 years old i have to be honest like the goonies i think i have a washed up pirate's chest do you i think so that's what i should start calling it my washed up pirate's chest still got it you still got it i still got it oh you winked at me again

I want to get in on this Fortune who is more your type me or Mae y'all are equally my type no no no pick me y'all want Mae pick

I want you both baby do you want a washed up pirate's chest yeah or a sort of hairless twink I love hairless twinks and pirate's chest? Yeah, or a sort of hairless twink. I love hairless twinks and pirate's chest. How do you choose?

If you put the two of us and Jack in the middle. Well, I would have to go with my wife. But when the wife is away, the handsomes will play. Oh, God. Now I can't do it without making the noise. Giddy up little cowboy. Little cowboy over there. I can't really do it so good. Are y'all going to be watching any

movies over the halt? What are we going directly into small talk? Yeah. What are you going to be doing? You just agreed that while your wife's away we're hooking up and then now you're going into what movies are you gonna watch so anyone gonna watch any movie what kind of music are you into oh my god oh my god well sure um i all looks like Christmas and so does that one. Yeah. Should we end there?

I feel like I didn't give a good answer for the presents. Is that why you started wandering off into small talk? I want to pee in my pants. I want to pee in my pants. I want to pee in my suit.

I think Jackson went somewhere for Christmas That was a nice present You think you did? I think so I will say this about gifts Even though I call myself Not a great gift giver I don't like being beholden to the day

Yeah you're just generous year round I'm like yeah like if I know at some point someone that I know needs a thing, I don't want to wait till like the birthday or the Christmas. I'm like, here you go. Right. But then don't be mad at me if I don't get you something on your birthday. Okay. And you know what?

I'm going to take this as you'd like a cake any old day. Yeah, any day. Does not need to be on my birthday. Okay. Christmas? It can, whenever. Okay. Should I get? Just calm down. You'd like a cake any old day Yeah any day does not need to be on my birthday Okay Christmas? It can whenever Should I get But like I'll give my parents random things

But then I'll forget to Like send a card But I just bought them a washing machine Or something You don't need to put a card on the washing machine No but like at Christmas I'll call them and stuff And I haven't to put a card on the washing machine No but like at Christmas I'll call them and stuff And I haven't like sent a card

But I just like fixed their roof Three weeks ago Yeah that's sort of how I am All by yourself You were up a ladder banging on the roof With all your podcast cash So should I get you guys something For Christmas or no

Let's decide now if we are or we're not. I don't think so. I think a present is good when it really strikes you as something that person wants. And not just like, oh, I got to fill this obligation to get someone something. And otherwise, I do think you should give your money to some good stuff. Yeah, that's true. To some good. Oh, there's some good. I your money to some good stuff. Yeah, that's true. To some good. Oh, there's some good.

I did. And year round. Yeah. Not just. Oh, I do it before taxes are due. I'm just kidding. I got a good wedding present for someone recently that I'm pretty proud of. Well, yeah, because this will come out after I give it to her.

proud of that should i say that for well yeah because this will come out after i give it to her i got for abby jacobson and her wife jody because i never get to go to a fancy wedding and uh i was feeling the pressure and they have a movie that they love and they did like a screening of it i can't remember the name of the movie shit it's uh a woman a present an unmarried woman okay from the 70s with a Jill Claiborne. I don't think I've seen this. Don't look at me. You know, dig? Oh, Jill Claiborne, love the woman.

I think I did a good thing where like in the final scene, there's an abstract artist in it. Yeah. And I kept thinking, oh, the actor is not doing this art because it's amazing. And then in the final scene, it's like a significant piece of art. And I, so I Googled,

I found out the real artist who was doing that art. And then I bought like from the seventies, like a print of, I think it's good, but I haven't given it yet. That's a good present. I'm sweating saying it because it, what if they don't like the art?

That could happen. It's really subjective. It's very subjective, but it's a thoughtful gift. what if they don't like the art that could happen because the art is subjective it's really subjective but it's a thoughtful gift even if they don't like it yeah you can tell they're like Mae did a nice thing also this is going in the garage in the garden

this is going in the garden the garage or the garbage the garage or the garbage The garage or the garbage You know British people say garage They do? Yeah garage You didn't? No

Even listening to Elton John all these years And all those songs about garage I'm trying to learn more about the UK Because I'm going to be doing a show in London Have you never been? I've been But I forgot I'm sure May's full of facts.

I got some facts. I'll be there the end of January. What venue? Uh, I don't know. Union Hall? Is that a venue? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that? Yeah. We're going to London and Amsterdam. That's awesome. Yeah, great.

Should we see what Reese said? Yeah, let's see. So, the very best gift I ever received was actually a very coveted toy of the 1980s which was the teddy ruxpin and remember my dad and my brother going to the toy store and coming home and giving it to me on Christmas Eve and the joy that it filled me with I had wanted this toy so badly. The commercials were so appealing and you could put little cassette tapes in his back and he would tell stories. But I immediately opened up Teddy Ruxpin and put my Paula Abdul cassette tape in his back and had him sing Opposites Attract, which was my favorite song at the time and it was just completely

christmas joy childhood christmas joy that i will never forget yes i love that i had one of those so did i had a teddy ruxpin yeah i did not do you know what i can gather it's a bear that sings yeah i mean it had a cassette thing in its belly, right? Yeah, and you can put different things in it. So you could just put like Van Halen in there? I guess so. I guess. I don't remember the...

I remember mine saying like, I'm Teddy Ruskin. Yeah, I'm Teddy Ruskin. Yeah, but if Reese is putting Paula Abdul in there, I feel like I could put Van Halen. Yeah, Metallica. It's been Metallica. Yeah, Metallica. It's been a while. Yeah, they were like all the rage. Willie Nelson.

Yeah. Put in the redheaded stranger. Bring that around. It made me think. I once saw a one woman show. I was maybe, I'm going to say it, whatever. I was like 20 and the show was called. The Vagina Monologue.

Yeah. The show was called She Never Bought yeah the show was called she never bought me an easy bake oven okay so that's the title so the show starts it's a 90 minute show minute one she's like Christmas morning like and the whole show is building up to the fact that her mom didn't get her but the tight that's the title so you know it you know it and the whole show was like i come downstairs and i see a present wrapped oh my god it must be the easy bake oven and it was like okay we know it's not gonna be show is this i i don't i don't remember her name even this is in toronto at this little theater and i went to see it really be promoting her she never bought me an easy bake oven but it was wild because you knew yeah yeah

and then what happened she never got it's not the easy bake oven but it was wild because you knew yeah yeah and then what happened she never got it's not the easy bake oven it's something else and she's mad about it or something and we're all like but it's part of her art now yeah okay but it wasn't a good show no wait take are you i feel like you thought it was good i was hoping it would be a twist like of course it's in the title oh yeah no no there's like some brilliant twist that would have been i would not have named it that probably that was the mistake she made like the toy that i oh that's good the toy that's a richard pryor movie how about toy story richard. Toy Story, has that been taken? That is, by the way, such a brilliant idea for a movie.

What? Toys that come to life? That's right. Just making sure. Toy Story? That's what it's about. Yeah. And it's a great movie.

Oh, it's so good. They should do like three of them. How many are there? I don't know know i just saw one like 25 years ago actually someone on the handsome social someone made that handsome pod made a art of me as woody as little cowboy that was cute it was really good i liked that a lot yeah yeah we have some good art circling around yeah yeah yeah thanks for those well i'm excited for the holidays so much you watched any movies i'll probably watch sweet home alabama okay because of reese

yeah and i love that movie okay yeah or legally wait is she from alabama no no she's from tennessee oh but she was in sweet home okay all right in there she plays a girl from alabama okay well because she's an actress yeah i might watch big little lights again i like a bunch of smoldering these amazing actresses give all bringing their a game what a show i like season two or what a show what a show yeah i like season two where Meryl... What a show! What a show! What a show! What a podcast! I like season two where Meryl Streep has those big fake teeth. Oh. And she screams. Have we talked about that?

I think so. I mean, it's like you... If you're Meryl Streep, any decision you make, no one's going to push back. Everyone's like, all right, you're going to come in with some fake teeth meryl yeah come on in what are we talking about i'll tell you this yeah i appreciate you guys i appreciate you guys tell you what i appreciate you both so much if i could ask Santa to bring me one thing It would be a podcast with you two You already have that

Then I don't need Santa You mean a podcast with just us two I'd like to be a podcast with you guys Well Surprise We've been doing it for three months Right under your nose Where am I

In my office recording a podcast I'll be at church singing We've been doing it for three months. We have? Right under your nose. Where am I? In my office recording a podcast. I'll be at church singing lots of hymns. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Is that Christmas? Joy to the world. Oh, there we are.

I also just want to flag, because maybe we can isolate it in the video or something, that earlier on I tried to do a call back to mary do you know yes and and it just i did it it bombed you guys were talking what was it i just slipped it in and then you can probably see on my face the shame and i just want to acknowledge that i know that happened i know it i know it bombed find it and isolate it i want to find it and isolate it and we'll and we'll have you go Yeah I really I think I did that I think I went my eyes kind of glazed over And I just looked

I've done it again It's because I have a big mouth And we were just talking about something No it's because it was really not I think it was even like quite a poignant moment You know what I have to say Big old dikes from the woods Big old dirty dikes from the backwoods.

I have to say, one of the Christmas songs I do love, which I don't think it really gets played or sung in church, is So This is Christmas. Oh, yeah, I love that. So this is Christmas. Yeah. That's all I have. John Lennon, he sounds kind of boring.

Like, oh, God, I have to sing this again? So this is Christmas. Yeah. John Lennon he sounds like kind of bored like he oh god I have to sing this again so this is Christmas I wish I could remember have a merry little have yourself a merry little Christmas I love it and I especially love it

with Chrissy Hines singing it I like I love it keep going from now on our troubles will be out of sight thank you we have your headshot and resume what about the uh david bowie bing crosby oh yes that rumble stillkin should cover that. How is this word coming up again?

Teddy Rumpelstiltskin. Teddy Rumpelstiltskin. Teddy Rumpskins. Now I can't say it. Teddy Rumpskins. Well, well, well. Teddy Rumpskins. What a podcast.

We are always going off the rails. That is my son max's favorite christmas song oh it's an amazing song um i want to thank everyone who's listened to handsome this year yes heck yeah uh thanks for listening share it with your pals yes share it with your pals have listening parties review it five stars or four i always say it no no we're still good no cut that out cut that out if we want to stay on the air we need five stars we need you to subscribe we need you to send it to your friends that's right yeah yeah and have yourself a merry little christmas Christmas and anything else get you some merch

get you some merch handsomepod.com YouTube channel youtube.com slash at handsomepod and join us when we are back in the new year. That's right. And I also want to make sure that you sign up for my email list because you're going

to get all the information first. That's right. For everyone, even on social media, you're going to get it first on my email list. Go to Tig Notaro dot com. Yep. Yep. May, where are you? I just want to say, I think from having half a whiskey, this ear has gone red.

Am I right? Yeah, it's a little pink. So we can point that out. We can zoom in. I'm sure. Isolate the ear. Why does it do that? I feel like your history with alcohol and drugs.

Why would your ear go pink? Maybe my ears were always pink in those years. Maybe your ears finally sobered up. Yeah. All these years later. Or someone's talking about you. Oh, is that what it is yeah the guy you fortune fact when your ears are red isn't someone talking about you i heard when your nose is itchy it means be careful someone's looking for a fight oh okay well we already did a woo-woo episode yeah that's true um i got nothing to

promote really january 16th i'm at largo in los angeles with actually a very exciting surprise guest oh who is it wait yeah tell us i'll say no you don't is it me it might be t no i'll tell you after uh i'm on the road right after the new year i'll be in uh eugene oregon and vancouver then i'm going to be in uh burlington vermont and then i'm gonna be in washington dc and red bank new jersey london and amsterdam denver colorado madison and milwaukee wisconsin there's gonna be a lot of shows y'all coming up what What a pretty little lady. Go to fortunefeimster.com. And you were twiddling your thumbs while you did that. I really?

It's because my jacket's tight. After the holidays, I really got to get on my health journey. That's for another episode. Welcome to Fortune Feimster's health journey. It's slow. Starring Fortune Feimster and go to my website to find my shows but I'm typically

around Los Angeles at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter and yeah I'll see you out there and here on the Handsome Pod and until then Keep it Handsome Handsome is hosted by me Tig Notaro,

Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!