Handsome - Rhett & Link ask about morning routines

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

The very funny Rhett & Link ask an eye-opening question about morning routine machines, plus a "whale of a tale," Fortune and Ginger's trip to Nantucket, Tig doing kegels, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Woohoo. Also implies that we are May Martin. Yeah, yeah, or that I am also Tig Notaro. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah. We are individuals. Yeah, we are, although increasingly connected. That's right.

We're just one big handsome boob. One big handsome blob. Wait, one big handsome boob. A handsome boob. That is one sharp handsome boob. I'm sticking with it. I'm going to commit to that. Okay.

I recently heard a guy behind me goes, hey handsome, and I just assumed it was a listener. So I go, hey, and he was talking to someone else, this friend. And he was like, what? Like, what? Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. I know.

I get a lot of keep it handsome. So maybe we should encourage people to make sure to use keep it handsome so that May doesn't turn around to find out that they are not the handsome one. Although you are, you are the handsome one. But this is true. Well you're both looking very handsome at the moment. Tig, you've had a haircut. I'd like to comment. I have had quite a haircut. And this has even grown out for a week and a half. Seriously? Yeah. Yeah. This has grown out.

It's good. It's very sharp. It's clean. It's almost military a little bit. It's very, very short. You're going to boot camp. I am. Boot camp? Boot. You going to boot camp? I am. Boot camp? Boot camp, handsome boot camp. Boot camp! God, that sounds fun.

A boot camp? Yeah, when I was getting my hair cut, I turned to Stephanie, I was like, is this too short? And she was like, no. Like she loves it when my hair is so short. So I immediately am like, all right, I'm on board. Like she loves it when my hair is so short. So I immediately am like, all right, I'm on board. Great.

Yeah, great. I mean, you're only really trying to impress one person. That's right. How are you both? Where are you both? You're in the closet. I am in a closet. Tigs in the closet.

I am back in the closet. Happy to be here. It feels comfortable and familiar, very familiar to be in a closet. Tigs in the closet. I am back in the closet. Happy to be here. It feels comfortable and familiar, very familiar to be in the closet. Yeah, I'm just traveling around. It looks like Fortune's just home with her plastic plant. Yeah, there is. Yeah, you guys, I am.

Yeah, I'm at home right now, which is surprising. I've been in and out. And the plant's thriving. The plant has stayed alive. I didn't have to water it. Because it's plastic. Yeah. Just to be clear.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. Why would I want a real one right now when I could have this thrive? Yeah, you're right. So wait, have you been touring or filming? Yeah, June was crazy.

I had shows every weekend out of town and then stopped in to see Ginge. Tig made a cute video on a bench for Ginger and she said to tell you thank you. She goes, I have no way to tell Tig thank you. I'm like, I have a way. I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger. I was truly just walking along and I saw a bench and I was like, I have a way. I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger. I was truly just walking along and I saw a bench and I was like, I'm going to go sit down. I was like, hold on a minute.

This feels like a moment. And then I also thought I was going to post it on my page, but then I just thought there's probably a lot of people in my life that don't know what this means. So I was like, Thomas, can you just put this on the hands? I did on my stories, but I was like, yeah. What'd you say? I didn't see this. Oh, I just said that I was, I was sitting on a bench and sending positive thoughts to Ginger. And I guess I could have given it a description in my post, but.

Well, she, she loved it. Oh, but. Well, she loved it. Oh, good. I went home to visit her. It was really cool. She came to my show in Asheville, North Carolina, and she was backstage with me up until the show started because she's got to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down. And she walked into the theater like right before.

And because she's a star. And that, you know. Yeah, yeah. She's like Justin Bieber. Yeah. So she comes out in the front from backstage to go to her seat and the whole audience, like 2,400 people stood up and clapped.

Oh my God, I'd be a gamer. This like amazing standing ovation. I was backstage and I heard this roar and I was like, what was that? And it kept going. And I was like, oh my God. And then I kind of, I was like, I think maybe this is for my mom.

And she got, my brother told me she got really emotional and that just like, she just couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, like just for all those people My brother told me she got really emotional and that just like she just couldn't believe it. It was so sweet just for all those people to do that for her. People were showing up to shows and giving me cards for her and it's just really incredible the amount of love she's getting. Is she just feeling it big time? For sure.

I think she sat down and just all the emotions came from that. Just such a grand gesture. So to everyone in Nashville, that was really, really cool. And then I went home with her for a couple of days and I went with her to her chemo appointment. Just wanted to kind of see what it was like. And she had a little stuffed unicorn, a friend's kid made for her. It's really cute. So yeah, she's doing all right, you know, just still in the early stages of chemo. But I'll be popping into Belmont seeing her a bit more often.

That's right. Oh man, that must have been emotional, the standing ovation. Well, she's very, she's got like a sort of every mom energy. Like I think people really feel connected to her because she's so loving and yeah. Very open, hugs everybody. Well, she couldn't hug people that night, but in normal times she's hugging everybody and loving talking to people.

And so yeah, she's, the one nice thing about visiting her is that all these people in our town drop off food for her and I get to partake in that. Ooh. What if there's some highlights? Yeah, what are we talking? I've had fresh bread, I've had pound, pound cake, blueberry pie.

Hello. I was about to miss out on the chicken and dumplings. I didn't get in on that. They were coming the next day. What do you mean by dumplings? Excellent question, man. It is next week. I saw my face go, dumplings?

Yeah, is it like a Southern thing? Like it's like a biscuit or something? It's like a, it's a doughy, it's kind of the same stuff that you make biscuits with. It's like doughy little like balls kind of. Like a matzo ball. Yeah, a little denser and it's in like a like a... Not great. It's kind of gravy-esque with chicken. It's an old Southern comfort food.

Give me a grave. It's really good. I think you actually would really like it. Yeah, I'm not gonna abbreviate gravy to grave. But yeah, oh my God, yummy. It's like a white cream base. Not quite gravy, but in that savory family. I'm wondering how long we can describe a dumpling.

Yeah, I think you have 25 minutes. What else you got? I just got back from Nantucket and I had lobster rolls and like, it was a surreal trip. I went for two days to do this comedy panel and I've never been to that part of the world and it was very, have you been to Nantucket? I've been with Mr. Thomas. Oh, you have?

Yes, I have. It's very, I mean, beautiful. A little bit like the movie Get Out, like very white and everyone's wearing these blue and white striped kind of cotton shirts and like very, yeah, but the beach is beautiful. And then I went to, I mean, first of all, on Nantucket, there's handsome listeners.

This woman came up to me and just this beautiful woman hands me a envelope, walks away. Love this. And then I open it. It's interesting facts about Nantucket. It's like, hey little cowboy, here's some- Oh my God. I'm like, whatever we've done, we've done right.

I like my life now. Whatever we have done. Whatever we've done, we've done right. Because I like having a life where beautiful women hand me lists of interesting facts and call me a little cowboy. Mae, you are living your best life right now. I am. I went to the Whaling Museum.

It was fucking crazy. The Essex is this ship that sunk hundreds of years years ago and Moby Dick was based on it and it's a harrowing tale. I won't get into it but this whale. Some would say a whale of a tale. It's a whale of a tale. Wow. Well, you know, you step away from the podcast for a couple of weeks, you forget how good and bad the comedy can be. My favorite kind of comedy. Yeah, yeah.

Whale of a tail. Go on, May. I mean, they do love a whale pun in Nantucket and whales, they're proud of their whale connection. And uh, What about, well, well, well. See? I feel like I got a little more silence than I deserve. Whale, whale, whale.

I don't want to be over here just blubbering about nothing. And are you glad you went to this whale museum? Yeah, it was, they had a skeleton of an 80 foot whale and I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened. This whale took down a giant ship, and then the survivors got on these little dinghies in the middle of the ocean, like 60 days from shore, and they're like little boats not meant for big waves. Wait, is that how time is measured, 60 days to shore?

Yeah, what do you mean? I don't know. I just never thought about like, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just taking that in. Well, we're 60 days to shore. They didn't even know where they were. They were like, their compasses were failing and they end up having to eat each other. Hold on a minute. I know.

Who ate the last one? There had to be one last standing. And this is where I, and I don't want to piss off Nantuckans, but the captain was, he survived and they, they pulled, they pulled sticks, right? And, uh, pulled, what do you call it? Um, stick pulling. Stick pulling. They did one of those. Yeah. Or like the shortest stick. Yes. And, uh, okay. I, or like the shortest stick. Yes. And, okay, I want to ask you guys this.

So you're on your little rescue boat. You're starving, you got no water. And then they find this little island and it's just basically a sand bank in the middle of the ocean. And, but it has a bit of fresh water and it has some birds and bird eggs and things so they rest there for seven days there's that seems legit i think there's 20 crew members at

this point after seven days the captain says look we got to get back in our dinghies and we got to try to hit south america it might be 60 days like we might not all make it 60 days to shore 60 days to shore. Yeah. And I'm staying on the island. Well, yeah. So three of the guys go, we're good. We're going to stay here. And yeah, they are like, well, there's nowhere you're going to run out of food. And they're like, we're going to stay here on the off chance that you survive and you send help. And those three guys did survive. But then the other guys, they mainly died, except the captain did this pulling the sticks. And the poor little-

The stick pulling. The stick pulling, the poor little cabin boy, 16 years old, he pulled the short stick. You'd think the captain would step in there and say, you know what, I'll do it. Hmm, no. No? Not in those days.

The captains were usually drunk and like, yeah, get out of here. So I'll be honest. Get out of here. I'll be honest. I don't remember what we're talking about. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check if there's a music video for that new song that you've recently become obsessed with, because music videos are fun to watch and hear.

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Grazza is great because it's easy. With their no mess squeeze and spray bottles, I never have trouble getting the exact right amount of olive oil just where I want it. That also means I avoid getting oil where I don't want it, like on my stove, my countertops, or on the floor, or parts of my body. Adding Grazza to my existing recipes has made the flavors pop even more. When you order now, you get 10% off your first order on Grazza's site, but I personally suggest

grabbing the Trio. That's all three squeezy bottles. S frizzle and drizzle so you're set for every style of cooking so head to graza.co and use handsome to get 10% off of the trio which includes sizzle frizzle and drizzle and get to cooking your next chef quality meal. I was gonna ask, A, would you have stayed on the little island or risked the journey? And B, if we were on a lifeboat, and we were pulling, so would any of us volunteer to be eaten? So wait, and in this story,

Yeah. the people stayed on the island, the other people went away, they came back and got the people on the island? Eventually after like 90 days, like a handful of these guys made it close enough that they found another ship and they ended up sending help and they rescued the guys from the island.

So I guess knowing that is gonna color your decision. It sure will. I'm staying put. Yeah, okay. I'm staying put. Yeah, I definitely would have stayed put. And I'm eating fortune. Six days out on the water seems terrible. I would be trying to catch fish with my hands. Just standing really still in the shallows with.

Yeah, instead of on a dinghy in the ocean. I'm just gonna hang out on the island and immediately start eating fortune. Oh no. Yeah, I don't eat fish. Well, that's true. But I'm meat. Yeah, what do you mean? But I'm meat. And I'm full of hamburgers. I don't eat fish, but I will eat fortune. I'm full of hamburgers. I start eating fortune and then I start eating fortune and then help comes the next day. That's the fear, right?

You wait till the last possible minute and you're like, all right, we got to eat something. And then the next day, I think I might volunteer to let you guys eat my ass. Eat your ass. Yeah, I guess I could just start eating fortune's ass. I wouldn't have to eat so wild. Well, actually, that's true. Couldn't you eat part of someone while they were still living and not kill and they wouldn't have to die?

Yeah, I just slice off a bun. Slice off a bun. Yeah. I kind of regret bringing up the whole story kind of, but I guess I was really. Well, it's like the movie alive. Did you see that? No. The airplane crash? Oh my God. I was obsessed with that for a long time. And you know, they would eat their friends,

but it was all frozen meat. So they didn't have to like chew it or taste it and they just swallow it. Uh-huh. Oh God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Whereas Fortune's ass would be heating in the sun. In the hot sun. That's right. Yeah. Island ass.

I was just very taken with like the, I don't know, the idea of just being at sea and this 80-foot whale and what a grim time to be alive. But it was a fun trip. I went to the beach and that's my story. Wow, what a story. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah.

That was, that had to do with Nantucket, huh? Yeah, yeah. Okay. And you liked the lobster roll? Oh man, I really loved the lobster roll, yeah. And who were you out there with? Were there other comedians? Yeah, I did a comedy lobster roll. Yeah. And who were you out there with? Were there other comedians? Yeah.

I did a comedy panel with Ben Stiller who I've never met and, um, Amber Ruffin and a bunch of people. Yeah. It was wicked. It was fun. It was really fun. And Donald Glover was there and he asked a question and man, that's one of the coolest people alive.

Yeah. He's a real talent. I mean, it's like his music is ridiculous, ridiculous. It's like, okay, you're comedian, you're an actor, writer, and then boom, yeah, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, we went there to Nantucket on a family vacation when Max and Finn were, I think they were two. Oh my God, just paddling in the water? Just running around, yeah. Paddling in the water, running around. We went on bike rides, all sorts of Nantucket fun. We had rented a house on the water and have many pictures of Mr. Thomas sitting and reading

to Max and Finn, his little tiny cubs. And reading the story of the cannibalistic sailors. Yes, that's right. Yeah, I would go back for sure. Or maybe when we finally do a handsome vacation, all four of us. Maybe it's Nantucket. Oh, yeah. Put that on the list, Thomas. Put that on the it's Nantucket. Oh yeah, put that on the list.

Put that on the list, Nantucket vacation. I feel like Thomas isn't putting things on the list anymore. What do you guys think? It's been a while. Yeah, he kind of looks at us like, yeah, okay. We get to stuff it once every like five months. What did we get? I don't remember ever getting.

Okay, that's one thing. Is that the only thing we've? Santa Claus. Oh, we sat on Santa's knee. Santa's lap and that's one thing. Is that the only thing we've... Santa Claus sitting on Santa's lap. Oh, we sat on Santa's knee? And that might be it. That might be it. And there must be over 6,000 things on the list. My mom and I drove up to that, I think we went to Nantucket, a few places.

We also went to P-Town together and she kept calling it a gay enclave. A gay enclave. This was back in, I had just come out like maybe six months prior so I had not seen, this sounds so naive in these times. You came out and then you were like six months later dragging your mom to a gay enclave? No, I didn't drag her there. I didn't even know about P-Town. Oh, okay.

She told me and my friend got married in Boston from growing up and we rented a car and decided we would, this was like 2006 maybe, and that we would drive around all that area because it's so beautiful. And she was like, we have to go to P-Town. It is a gay enclave. And I was like, what is a gay enclave.

And I was like, what is a gay enclave? And she's like, there's just a lot of gays there. And so we, we pull up and we walked down the street and there's all these, these gays holding hands, which for both of us, we had not seen that much. And so we both were like, we just were like, look at the gaze. What's Jesus going to think? But we were just so like, but we were like enamored with it. We were like, oh my God, this is so cool. And then my mom was like, I got to go get some fudge.

And I was like, okay. So I stood up. Fudge can't wait. It was a tiny candy shop. So I stood outside and my mom comes outside. She goes, there was a woman making eyes with me. And I said, I think she was checking out your fudge. Oh my God.

That is hilarious. So that was my first trip to P-Town to the gay enclave. I have a couple of shows there coming up. I've never been. And since the day I've been with Stephanie, that's been her dream vacation is to go to P-Town. So we're cramming it in to our summer travels and gonna spend a few days there.

You'll love it. That's how I felt when I first moved to Los Angeles and went to West Hollywood. Even though I had been out already for years, I had never been in a city that had West Hollywood or Boys Town vibe or any of that. I bring my fags everywhere. Yeah, I was truly like, what on earth is this gay circus?

Yeah. I know, I feel like there's been moments in my life where I must seem homophobic or transphobic because I'm just gawking in support. I'm gawking in support. Like when you're young and you just come out and you see a gay couple or something and you're just like, oh wow, and you're staring and then. Yeah.

I remember going down to the Pride Parade when I first was thinking about coming out and it was so intimidating. It's crazy now because I've been to a bazillion prides. It's like you don't even think twice about it. But I think of myself in that mindset then of like just seeing all these gay people hold hands and I just couldn't believe it. It was like, oh, I can't believe this exists in the world and it's OK. And it celebrated. And I mean, thank God.

But when you hadn't seen it your whole life,'s celebrated and I mean, thank God, but you know, when you hadn't seen it your whole life, it just like May said, you kind of are gawking in this like, what is this kind of way? Can I tell you my first Pride when I was like 16 and I was 17, I was living with my girlfriend at the time briefly and she was a teenager as well. We were both like sketchy teens and she always went to Pride and she was more like experienced in that world.

And so it was so hot in Toronto and she was like, you gotta get painted, like colorful colors, but we only had acrylic paint. And so she covered her entire naked body in like rainbow, but it was acrylic paint. So it was like flaking and burning. Like it was, it was like cracking. Anyway, we're so excited.

She wears this like tiny like bikini and I'm probably wearing some denim booty shorts or something. And then we go to the big main intersection and within five minutes she breaks her ankle. No. She goes, well, we'll just climb this fence so we can get a good view. And then turns her ankle and then we had to go to the hospital. Oh my God.

Actual break in the bone? I think it was a fracture in the end, but it was like, yeah, yeah. So we spent the day in the hospital. She probably couldn't move with all that pain. Her body was stiff. Yeah, so we spent the day in the- She probably couldn't move with all that paint. Her body was stiff. I just remember the sweat and her sitting in emergency,

basically naked, covered in paint. Oh my God. They probably get some wild things happen that weekend at the emergency room. I actually just remembered, I used to work at the lesbian coffee shop in Los Angeles when I first moved to town. It was called Little Frida's. And we were right there on Santa Monica Boulevard in WeHo. And that

was another thing. I had never been to Gay Pride before. And I was like, you know, in my late 20s and mind blown just standing there, the doors of in my late twenties and mind blown, just standing there, the doors of the coffee shop open and the different people and outfits and what they're wearing, just every, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, it was already crazy to me that there was a lesbian coffee shop.

You know, I mean, that, I mean, even though the owner claimed like, well, it's for everyone. It's like, sure, but look around. There's a main vibe here. Was the owner called Frida? It was for Frida Kahlo. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, this is a lesbian coffee shop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't even know about this coffee shop. I was late to the lesbian game. You're just hearing about Little Frida's?

Yeah, I knew you had mentioned working there before, but I had never heard of it. Just outside of you. Like blows my mind just imagining Tig working in a coffee shop. Like just the idea, it's so out of context for me. Like the idea of going in to buy a coffee and it's, I'm picturing you now just being like, hello.

Were you good at it? I wasn't, I wasn't. I wasn't good at it. What did you do when people complained about their coffee? I mean, basically what I was bad at was, and maybe I shared this on the show, was math and money and counting back money. Did I share that story about when I was fumbling with the cash register and this woman in line

said while there was a whole line of people waiting for me, she said, you know, it's not too late to go to college. Oh my God. Mic drop. But I have to say, it was a massive shift in my life in that moment. Cause I, once she walked away, I turned to my boss who was also a good friend and I was like, oh my gosh,

I just want to go out to her table and just be like, hey, thanks to you, I just quit my job and I applied to college and I'm leaving right now for, you know, whatever. And my boss said, you know what? I'm on your side. She should never have said what she said to you. If you want to walk out to her table and say directly,

not sarcastically, but directly say, what you said to me was so unacceptable and I really didn't appreciate it. My boss said, I can get behind that. But if you go out there and fight fire with fire, I can't get behind that. And I was like, whoa, okay. And it changed my life. And obviously we know I am a sarcastic person, but it shifted me where in real moments to actually speak directly like, hey, this needs to happen or I feel this way. Yeah, this hurt me. Yeah. Yeah. or I feel this way. Yeah, this hurt me. Yeah, yeah. And to like really just directly deal with something

and then save the sarcasm for another time. But it was amazing to have my boss say, I don't want that kind of person in my establishment and she should never have spoken to you like that. So I didn't go out and talk to the woman, but it did make me realize that there's a time and place for talking a certain way and acting a certain way. And then when you wanna be direct

and handle something serious or important, then step up to that moment. I thought you were gonna say it made you realize like that then you quit your job and went to college. We're like, you know, a good point. Yeah. No. What a wise boss.

I quit my job and became a standup, so I'd never have to do math again. Well, the reason I had that job was because there was an all-female lineup of standup in Little Frida's, and that's the first place I ever got on stage. And so I took a job there so that I could ensure that I could get on stage to do stand up. Because when people would drop out of the show or they were running late or the host canceled, I could just hop out from behind the coffee bar and do comedy. And so that's why I took that job. I love that.

Yeah. You're like, I don't want to make your coffee. I just want to tell some funny jokes. I just want to tell jokes, yeah. Yeah. No, didn't go to college. Still running around with a seventh grade education. Yeah.

And killing it. Did you get your GED? I can't remember. I know we've talked about this. I did, and my cat ate it. Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you get your GED? I can't remember. I know we've talked about this. I did in my cat-aid. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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and an extra 25% off thousands of summer essentials plus a free $60 gift for just signing up. That's thrivemarket.com slash handsome to claim the offer before it's gone. Thrivemarket.com slash handsome. Well, should we find out who our question asker is? I think that's a great idea. Well, today's guests are a comedy duo best known for the YouTube series Good Mythical

Morning, which I've been on, super fun show. They've hosted it since 2012. They have over 32 million subscribers and now they host a podcast called Ear Biscuits. They're fellow North Carolinians, so you know I like that. Rhett and Link are asking today's question. Nice. Hello, handsome pod.

It's Rhett and Link from Good Mythical Morning. We got a question for you. If you could have a morning routine machine, like a Rube Goldberg machine that gets you through your morning routine. Like the guy in the Casper movie. Or the Grinch in the Grinch movie. You haven't seen the Casper movie.

Why are you bringing that up? Well, because I'm told that that's a good example. It's a great example. What would yours do? What would your machine do, step by step? We miss you, Fortune. Aw, I miss you guys. They're so great.

Oh, that's a great question. I got to go on their show and eat really good food where you tell them your favorite food and they have three different versions of it, like the high-end version, the mid-level version, and the low-level version, the cheap version, and you have to try to pick what like the high-end version the mid-level version and the low-level version the cheap version and you have to try to pick what is the high like the fancy version it was just really fun did you get it right um i think i got two out of three right i can't remember and were you

blindfolded too um no it's it's all in front of you like you'd be surprised some of the stuff that you've you're like it's got this has got to be the high-end one and it's all in front of you. Like you'd be surprised some of the stuff that you've, you're like, it's got, this has got to be the high end one. And it's like, no, that's the grocery store version. Yeah. They're really funny and have like, it's crazy. Those, the YouTube folks that have just killed it, they have this whole office and production and it's like a machine over there.

So do we. Yeah, look at us. We've got- They have this whole office and production and it's like a machine over there. So do we. Yeah, look at us. We've got- Look how professional this is. This and this fake plant over here. Yeah, you're in a closet. Oh man.

They're talking like, is it kind of like the Jetsons? Is that another- Yeah, or like- Oh, okay. Okay. Pee-wee's Big Adventure, like, you know, yeah, a machine that wakes you up and does, moves you through a routine, makes it all easy.

So they're asking like, what would that entail if we have that ability? Yeah. I guess so. I'm not good in mornings. I don't like mornings and the time that's really touch and go that's really dark for me is the time between getting up and having a first sip of coffee. It's like making it to the coffee machine.

And so that was where my head went first was like maybe some kind of intravenous coffee thing. Oh, you're laying there and it goes into your system? Or like a straw that comes to the bed. Because you're just so out of it during wake up and caught like, what is it that's happening with you? Yeah, I know, I'm trying to picture you getting to the coffee machine.

Like, are you stumbling? Are you a zombie? Yeah. Yeah, I'm like. Are your pants to your ankles? Your boxers to your ankles? Your ponty is. Your ponty is.

Why would my boxers be to my ankle? I don't know, you just sound like you're really struggling to get from your ankles. Your pontilas. Your pontis. Why would my boxers be to my ankle? I don't know. You just sound like you're really struggling to get from your bed. Like you can't function until you get to this coffee. That's why I can't figure it out. I can't picture what the hell's going on. Yeah, probably some doctor would tell me.

It's just probably I'm not sleeping enough, but I wake up and I'm like, ugh, and I'm like exhausted. And I just, oh man, like, yeah, just, I mean, it's not that, it's just that I shuffle over and but it's like- With your ponties around your ankles. Ponties around your ankles. So you're one of those people that's like,

do not even talk to me until I've had my IV coffee. That's what May has on a mug. Don't talk to me till I've had my IV coffee. That's what May has on a mug. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee. I kind of am. And I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto and they've already been up for two hours. They are wide awake.

They're ready to chat. They want to know how I'm feeling about politics. What time do they wake up? Maybe seven. And then when do you roll out with your ponties to your ankles? I am not laying you out, shuffling to the kitchen. I picture you with big, thick glasses on.

Like you can't, your hair is every which way. Yeah. You're scratching your chest. Yeah. You know. It depends on what's going on. Like if I have something to get up, like today I woke up at nine

cause I traveled last night, I got in late. So yeah, but I have to really. But is nine early or late for you? You usually I'm up at eight or nine. That's like normal for me. But it feels like I could happily sleep till one because I don't go to sleep early enough. What time are you going to bed?

I mean, as I'm saying it, I'm like, it's not that, cause I'm just doing the math, cause usually it's around one or two. We're not good at math around here. Yeah, you know, I can't do math. Yeah, true. It's not too late for us to go to college. So yeah, one or two.

So I guess I'm sleeping like six, one or two is late. Yeah, like my circadian rhythms probably all. So yeah, coffee and maybe, and maybe a fact of the day would be nice every morning. But what about you guys? What's, what's your for your machine? Your machine is going to be like anything. here's your coffee also. Dolphins were known to swim in the blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Good morning, May. Pretty much that's it, because I've been reading about how the more we use chat GPT,

our cognitive functioning is gonna decline. We're gonna get our, so I wanna have to do things. That's already happened. Totally. I mean, humans are- We're gonna get our, so I wanna have to do this. That's already happened. Totally. I mean, humans are. We're dumb-dumbs. Yeah, we are useless. Yeah, that's why I'm trying to memorize

all the capital cities of the world just to keep the old noggin firing. Yeah. But yeah, so I don't wanna like make it too easy for myself. But if it could either roll me over to the coffee machine and make the coffee or intravenous. Okay. Here's what I think.

I think you could get to a point eventually where you could do that on your own, Mae. If you really put your mind to it. I gotta figure out how to keep your ponies on though. Yeah. Okay. I am not. Well, they to keep your ponies on though. Yeah. Okay. I am not. I don't know.

Well, they're on, they're on Fortune. They're just at Maeve's ankles. Like how would that even happen? Like, do you mean like- You just stand up and they just fall. Oh, they fall off. Okay, so I'm picturing they're moth eaten, they're old. Like my underwear.

They're moth eaten. Yeah. Beige. Oh, the idea of, because I have a roommate now in my back house. My friend Matt is living with his girlfriend briefly while they get settled in LA. And just the idea of me full vagina out and walking in the morning out. Or even half. Half of it. Some people would out to get up. Or even half. Morning. Some people would love to see that. I mean, I feel uncomfortable even saying the word. I can't, yeah. What word?

Vagina, it's not a great word. Coffee. Yeah, coffee. And wait. We could have another word for it. Like what? Cooter. Cooter. Yeah, cooter. My another word for it. Like what? Cooter. Cooter!

Yeah, Cooter. My favorite word for it. Okay. Well, let's move on from, from May's Cooter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

If we must. Or Mccoochie. She's supposed to be sending in a question. Has she, Thomas? We got to get Mcc get Makuchi's question. We haven't got one yet. Wow. Oh my God.

Kate, what's happening? She keeps teasing me with this. So yeah, what about you? Well, I have been waking up really early lately. I don't know why. I'm like wide awake at like 6.30, which is not me. Really? Give me a ring of ding.

But today, guess what? I got up and went treading. Oh. That's why my hair's a little wet. Isn't that so fun in the very early morning? It's the best way to wake up. It's like the pool's like a little warm and the birds are chirping.

I make coffee so that I could drink my coffee before I tread. So I'm just in the pool, just, you know, I turn on some music. That's nice. That's amazing. Yeah. Do you make coffee the night before

or you make it, you got a machine? No, cause I don't like a brewed coffee. I just like espresso. So I have a little espresso machine that I do like, I'm like a little barista, like, to- Oh, you do the full thing. I do the, get I'm like a little barista like to do the full thing I do the get the beans they the grinder being you know grind up a packet with the thing and yeah this is what I need to be doing I don't think this would appeal to you for

your treading but my friend kit this this guy that lives near me, he has a pool that does not have a heater. And he invited me over to tread one morning at 7 a.m. without heat. Oh my God. It's like a cold plunge. It was like an hour long cold plunge. But I have to say. Oh yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Only once in my treading career have I gotten out at 30 minutes. And it was because we were at a public pool where they were like, everybody out. We got to switch to, you know, granny swim or whatever. But but yeah, it was so exhilarating to tread in cold water. And I I suggest doing it with somebody else in the pool so you can complain and laugh with each other. And shake together.

Yeah, and be like, oh my God, this is so... But my whole day was so electrifying. I was in the best mood. And do you... I guess you're moving, so you kind of warm up a bit as a... Barely. Yeah, but in a hour. That's like the cold has deeply penetrated you by now.

Oh, yes, indeed. So you are... Yes. Wow. I have been penetrated by the cold has deeply penetrated you by an hour. So you are- Oh, yes, indeed. Yes. Wow. I have been penetrated by the cold. I don't think I could do an hour in the cold. I could maybe last 30, but I don't know if I could do an hour.

You could do it. It's fun. It's not like it's 30. It's not like 40 degree water, you know? Right. It's like 70 or something. But it's still, it's cold. 65, something 70 or something. It's cold. 65, something like that, but that's cold.

But so far I'm not like what would you don't want the machine to take over. I got to figure out what I want the machine to do. Yeah. Push it in the pool. That's great. I was going to say, I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses, but that's weird. That's a machine. That's's weird. It's a machine. That's not weird.

It's the way of the future. You know, a few good morning kisses. Good morning. That's a nice way to wake up. I always thought that a hotel should offer that service that you sign up for where they're like, do you want someone to come in and spoon you and be like, time to get up. You have a zoom at nine o'clock. Yeah, I would like to speak.

I think you can pay for that. I would like the sweet sounds of a voice, fortune, it's time to wake up. Why don't you call me and I'll do that for you. All right, please, spoon me. That's a nice, that's a preferable way to wake up. And then I always wake up fairly happy anyway. I'm very glad for that. So I don't have my ponies around my ankles

shuffling to the espresso machine. With your cooter out. My cooter's hidden and I'm usually like robustly walking to the espresso machine. I would, it would be nice if whatever this thing is makes my espresso for me. I don't want to make it And then pushes me in the pool Turns the music on pushing me in the pool And does it sort of pour the espresso into your mouth too? And then no we can just put it in a cup and I'll do the rest

So it's exhausting to you to press that button, huh? I mean, just the grinding of the beans and the packing it. You know, if I don't have to, I mean, I'll do it, but if this machine's like, I got you boo. You're too much of a star to have to be able to push a button to get that espresso out of there. This machine will say, I got you boo. Yeah.

It doesn't. Yeah. I got you boo. It's the I got you boo machine. Yeah. Yeah, I got you boo. Yeah. It's the I got you boo machine. Yeah. Yeah. I got you boo. And I'm like, oh. When it pushes you in the pool, do you want that to be at like a different moment each

morning so you're not quite expecting it or like sure. Or do you want to go stand? Keep me on my toes. It can pick me up and throw me into. Pick you up like a baby and just toss you in. But also hold me for a minute and then toss me in. And whisper in your ear, I got you boo. I got you boo.

I got you little baby fortune. And it also is the one in charge of heating the pool and stuff, I'm not having to worry about that. Oh, you can't worry yourself about that stuff, little tiny baby fortune. Thank you, Tig. Yes. Yeah, so yeah, that's what my. Thank you, Tig. Yes. Yeah.

So yeah, that's what my I got you boo machine would do. Okay. I like that a lot. I got you boo machine. That is a good name. Mm hmm. All these things are going to exist. A hundred percent.

Tig, how about you? Is it going to have a Scottish accent like marnon fruit? Marnon fruit. Get your marnon fruit. You know, I struggle in the morning with... I try to meditate right when I wake up. And it's... Well, it's just the idea with transcendental meditation is that you do it ideally twice a day.

Oh, wow. And so, but, you know, 20 minutes each time. And so if you think about when you wake up first thing in the morning, a lot of people, you're not totally productive at that time. So why not just immediately when your eyes open, go into your meditation, you close them again and go into your meditation. I'd fall asleep, I'd fall right back to sleep. Well, here's the thing.

This is where, here's my true honest to God struggle. Oftentimes I will meditate in bed and lying down. And I should be sitting up and I only do that sometimes. So yeah, I would love for my, I got you boo, to sit me up for my meditation when I'm on the mornings that I've just had the roughest night. Cause that's when it's the hardest for me when I wake up. You're in your nightgown. You're in your nightgown.

I'm in my nightgown. So I Got You Boo would sit me up. And then as soon as I'm seated in bed meditating, then- Is it crossing your legs for you too? Like it's sort of positioning you? I can do that. I can do that. Okay.

And then I Got You Boo. That I can do. I got you boo is also going to stand there. Wait, is I got you boo a robot? I think so. It's whatever you want it to be. Okay. I got you boo is standing there. And then once I finish meditating, I got you boo is going to remind me to do my, I do these like five minutes of stretching. Giggles. You know me. How dare you Fortune Marie. How dare you.

Look at how tickled Fortune is by that. The robot's keeping time for you. One, two, three, four. Take a break. Release. And release. Oh my God. the thought of that. Yeah, that tickles me. Thank you.

Meanwhile, May is just getting an IV in the arm full of coffee. Mine is feeling increasingly bleak. Tickles. And you're getting cradled like a baby. Yeah, we all have different needs. I just have my robot making sure I stay on track because like with my sleeping issues,

I have to immediately get sunshine when I wake up. What does that do? It regulates your circadian rhythm. And so basically as soon as you open your eyes, you need to be in natural sunlight and that's gonna tell your brain, this is your wake up time for the day. And so that gets you on a more regulated schedule.

So I would want, I got you boo robot, to be like, after I meditate, do your five minute stretches and then I do that and I do my Kegels and whatever. And then the robot also will be like, don't forget your sunshine. And then I go out on the back patio. I thought you were going to say, don't forget your sons. Don't forget your sons. You have sons.

And then the last thing I would want is, I love making my smoothie. I love the process. However, I would like I got you boo to bring, because there's a lot of ingredients of my, and there's a lot. And so I would like for I got you boo to get all of the canisters out of the pantry

and maybe even measure it for me and then put it back while I clean it up. Yeah. Yeah. So it's measuring it and then you just have to tip it in. Yeah. Yeah. I can do the tipping. You know how Fortune can't push a button. I'm totally fine with doing that.

Yeah. And then Fortune, do you ever feel like if we, like if we went away with Tig for like a week to a cabin in the woods, you would sort us out? Like, I just feel like I'd- We would be coming back so much healthier. Oh my God. I'd be meditating. We'd be sleeping. You might not be, but we'd be- Guys, it's funny you should say this. I am planning a retreat weekend for me and Stephanie for our anniversary.

Oh, are we invited? But at home. It's just gonna be me and Stephanie. Oh, we're not invited. No, you are not invited, but for like a totally unplugged meditative, listen to vinyl, talk, journal, cook healthy food. That's going to be our fun retreat.

I know some people are like, that sounds like hell. What is that? Wait, so it's like a whole weekend of this. We're going to spend a whole weekend together, just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do. But we're just going to do it privately. Will the boys be there? No.

Okay. That's so nice. And what I was going to say is I would be more than happy to do it with my handsome co-hosts. Well, okay. I've booked an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August, and I'm going to mainly be up there by myself and I don't drive so I'm really gonna be stuck there and that my Goal is to come out of it completely mentally and emotionally and physically healthy. So, okay. I mean fortune we're both

I was gonna say we're both single but it sounds that's weird that came out wrong, but like We're both single. Come on up. Come on up here. I could be the third wheel. But like come up for a couple days and like we'll put our phones in. I bought one of those boxes you lock your phone in and then you put a timer on it

for like four hours or whatever. Like. Look, whether it's at your place there or whether it's, we can do it at my office. Well, no, at my office in LA. I am so excited by this. I can't even tell you. To do this with Stephanie,

and then if that interested anybody on this Zoom, boy would I love to do that. Will you have like a schedule, like, or you're just gonna, okay, so like at this time we're doing this. It's going, it would sound like absolute hell to you. Yeah. But it is truly like, but it's fun.

It's fun. Okay, imagine the three of us are together and we get up to watch the sunrise. How awesome would that be? Yeah, that would be nice. And then meditate. Okay. And then have like a really healthy smoothie.

Listen to records. You know, I have an awesome vinyl collection. Listen to some records, journal, talk. Journal. Mm, ultimate journaling. Do a tarot reading. We could do all sorts of things. Yeah.

But for you and Stephanie, are y'all both saying, I want to do this, I want to do this? I put together a schedule of what I think would be great and I'm going to run it by her. I just told her about this the other day and then if she wants to make tweaks, of course we can make tweaks, but before we go there for the weekend, we're going to go grocery shopping and we're going to plan our menu and like cook and prepare the food together. And it just, I don't know. I think it will be really, and there's absolutely no phone use. We have a landline where Max and Finn

can get in touch with us. And anyway, that's the plan. And if you guys have any interest, I am so down. Will there be some sexy time in this? With the three of us. Well, obviously that goes to that saying, that goes to that saying. May and I are single. So, so, I know, but this will be single. So what?

May said we're single. Put on your schedule with Stephanie though as part of the schedule sexy time. Yeah, well let's say insert sexy time. Intimacy. Intimacy. Oh, intimacy is the appropriate word. Intimacy from 8 to 9 p.m. That's the biggest boner killer ever.

We will spoon. Also guys, time to read as well. And then what? Here's the only screen. This is what I also added into the schedule is a movie at night. Because there's so many movies that Stephanie wants me to see. Oh, I like this. Yeah.

And so like movie time before bed. Tig, you're really speaking to like where I'm at right now. Like this is my constant fantasy and this is of just unplugging and like, so this is why I booked the place in Airbnb. So yeah, you're speaking my language. This is, I really want to do it. Again, this is the last time I'm going to say it. If it does interest anybody on this Zoom, let me know.

And I will gladly lock it down for a couple of days and meditate and watch the sun come up and tread water and cook healthy food and... Dude, you and Stephanie should just come up to the Airbnb and just do 48 hours and we'll go in the lake, we'll go and I'll do whatever you say. I swear I won't look at my phone, I won't even talk about cannibalism. Well then what's the point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, should we hear Rhett and Link's answer? Yeah, I would like to. Let's do it.

My morning routine machine would plop me in the shower where I would be sprayed with water on my body, but coffee in my mouth, and then a team of blow dryers would descend from the ceiling and blow dry my entire body. Thanks for clarifying. Without me having to lift a finger because I already blow dry my body,

but it takes a lot of work. I highly recommend it. Wait. My morning routine machine would administer via IV all the liquids that I need for the day because I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water and I'm trying to drink water right when I wake up but I never have a taste for it.

I just don't have a taste for water. So I need- It doesn't really taste as water. I just don't want it and I know I need it. I have the administration of water and then the machine would go into my son's room, wake him up, argue with him about why it's important to be on time for things and why,

if you can't learn how to be on time for school, then you're gonna not be on time for other things later in life. And it's gonna, people are gonna think less of you and also there's gonna be opportunities that you're gonna miss out on. And then the machine would raise its voice and be like, I'm serious!

I'm serious, we have to get to school! I've got things to do today! I've got places to be!. I've got places to be. That's right. Oh my Lord. That's the North Carolina coming out in him. Well, speaking of that being the North Carolina in him, he reminded me of Zach Galifianakis in that moment,

the way he raised his voice when Zach was silly yelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Zach is from North Carolina. That's why I'm bringing that all together. That's our North Carolina raising your voice. Yeah. Well, the nice thing about having a robot to yell at your kids would be then you could be the hero who comes in and goes, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop yelling.

Hey, hey. And then you're the hero. My I got you boo. I forgot would also sing to me and make me breakfast. But wouldn't you actually want it to just accompany you while you sing, like play the That's a way we could harmonize. That would be nice. Yeah. Yeah.

A nice morning harmony. Yes. And some friends on the handsome pod. chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Boy, we still got it, do we not? We still got it. Well, that was a really fun episode, huh? I can't wait for our retreat. I know, this led to a health retreat with sexy time.

It always does. As soon as we get off this Zoom, I'm gonna be sending dates your way. Okay. Ah! I thought I'd get into where I'm gonna be and what I'm gonna do. It's not a very long list, all right? Is everybody ready for this?

Yeah. August 17th, West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York. Saturday, August 23rd, P-Town. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. P-Town. Gay Enclave. And then, yes, it is a gay enclave. And then Saturday, September 27th, the Beau Ravage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi. So there you go. Also check on tignotaro.com for all of my working out

new material in Los Angeles. I'll be in Toronto soon at Largo Dynasty Typewriter and Comedy Bar. So that's what's up with me. On July 25th, I'm in Montreal at Just For Laughs doing May Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theatre. What about you Fortune? I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane July 20th for the Great Outdoors Festival. I love Mateo. I know he's the best. I'm hosting a gala in Montreal July 26th which

May will be on. I'm doing it. I can't wait. Yeah. That's going to be fun for Montreal folks. Then my stuff starts in September, San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, DC, Portland, Maine, Boston, and Burlington, Vermont with a lot more added. Atlanta, New Orleans, Mobile. You can get your tickets at fortunefamesture.com. If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend. Let's keep building this awesome, handsome community. I mean, everywhere I go, people tell me to keep it handsome and it is just so fun. Also, don't forget to rate and review the show

and subscribe to also not just the show, but to our YouTube page. These are the ways to ensure the show keeps going. People always ask that, like, how do we make sure this doesn't go away? Subscribe to the show review rate, tell your friends, share episodes. All of it is so important. And we just love you guys. And all the best to Ginger and let's get to planning

our retreat. We got to bring Ginger to the retreat. Oh my gosh. Or we fly out to where she is and we have the retreat with her. All right. Okay. Well, until next time, huh? Keep it handsome. Okay, well until next time, huh? Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast.

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