Handsome - Sarah Silverman asks about personal hygiene

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Today on Handsome, Sarah Silverman asks about how Tig, Mae and Fortune wash what will henceforth forever be known as "Grandma's problem area." Plus, "panties" pronunciation, sultry posing, greasy girls, and so much more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the very first episode of the handsome pod aka handsome that's right. It's Fortune Feimster and I am joined by my amazing co-host. Tig Notaro. I'm Mae. Oh man. And we're feeling very confident today. Yeah, yeah. You really, I felt at ease there, Fortune. Your radio hosting skills were, that was smooth. You know, I was trying to give us a little, welcome to the show, everybody. It's going to be a great time. Let's get your panties on and have a good show. Get your panties on. Get your panties on.

Yeah, get your panties on. Everyone's listening naked. They might be. I have to say, I'm going to go ahead and get right into a really tricky topic, but I'm not a fan of the word panties. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I just say underwear. Okay. about you may i'm with you i'm with you panties i wouldn't i mean okay maybe if i was when may said that panties is that how is that pantaloons i kind of like it when you say like that panties did i say panties it kind of well now we you say it like that. Panties. Did I say panties? We'll have to rewind and go back. Now it feels a little put on. You guys say panties. Panties. And Mae says panties.

Panties. Like the Phantom of the Opera or something. I managed to get you all to say the word a lot more than you're comfortable with. Put your panties on. Take your panties off. Whatever want may count dracula i i think uh i don't like it but if i was in some really kind of filthy scenario and someone said it to me in a really seedy way i might get into the grossness of it like i might be like i'll lean into the kind of horribleness. Into their gross panties. The dirty maid comes out. The gross panties.

Yeah, yeah. So you say underwear. Yeah, I say underwear. Hey, put on your underwear. And so, Fortune, you're saying that at your house, you're like, Jax, grab me a pair of my panties. Jax, can you hand me some panties? I just need to know. I need to know know if you when you are in the privacy of

your own home if you ask jacks please grab me a pair of my panties jack you might grab me a pair of panties i would probably say like that dim panties if i was because i don't i don't think i could say it seriously okay so you'd add like a southern drawl. I'd have to say, hey, give me them panties. So you're not comfortable with the word panties. I think when I'm referring to my own, I probably say undies. Okay. That's adorable. I like that.

I go, oh, I need some clean undies. Okay. And then Jax wears panties um she got the panties she got two panties and i have panties i have panties we have underwear panties undies so what do you say take underwear yeah underwear i'm pretty straightforward like i don't i don't shorten anyone's name unless they tell me to. Right. Now let me ask, you just don't like the way the word sounds?

You don't like... It sounds disgusting to me, to be honest. Like if somebody's like, I'm trying to find my panties. It does feel weird when you say it. Yeah. Excuse me, but I can't find my panties. In all of these scenarios we're creating, these people are not in control of their own underwear.

They're always having to get someone to pass it to them or they're looking for them. Give me them undies. Where are my panties? Pass me my panties. You're like, why isn't someone else always involved? Why is everyone walking around with no panties on? Panties.

Yeah. Do you have that feeling towards other words? That's the big... The cliche one is moist, right? Everyone says they hate that word, which I kind of agree. I don't really have a problem with that word either. Moist. I love a moist cake.

I got one. In England, instead of vacation or holiday, they go, I'm on me holly bobs. Me holly bobs? Yeah. They go, I'm taking my holly bobs. I've never heard that. And it's like a sort of cutesy, like this is grown adults saying that. Do you say, well, you better pack your panties?

Did you pack your panties? Can someone pass me my panties? I'm going on me holly bobs. Oh, my God. Well, that's for sure always going to be in my life holly bobs it's very like infantilizing right like yeah and so wait it's plural it's not it's not holly bob it's holly bobs holly bobs it's like like they call math maths right it's like you know we'd say i'm doing some math so they instead of saying i'm going on holiday they go i'm on my holly bobs huh so wait what are you saying about math yeah i don't

know either yeah you've lost me when we started crunching numbers okay so we're counting ponties if someone said uh like i would say because i'm bad at math i'd say i hate doing math they would say i'm bad at maths i hate doing maths oh what the they put an s at the end of it yeah they pluralize the people across the pond yeah make math maths maths yeah they're like i'm finishing my maths and i'm going on my holly bobs yes exactly and even better pack me panties well even like i would say i oh my least favorite class was math class they would say maths class maths class isn't that weird okay that is weird but we don't want to harp on it because we don't want to lose

listeners over over there international fans we love everything you say because we love maths and when you go on holly bobs listen to our podcast yeah if you go on holly bobs come to one of our live shows you know what we should have done with this podcast is have people send in math equations and see if we could solve them. Oh, Lord. God, that would be in big trouble with me. Just sitting for hours, all of us silent. Are you not good at maths?

No, it gives me almost like a lump in my throat of panic. You? No, I don't know if you know but i uh i failed three grades and dropped out and i have a seventh grade education so uh struggling a little bit with math how old were you when you dropped out basically 47 but i had failed so many times that i was looking around my classroom and realizing oh i used I used to babysit these kids in the neighborhood. Oh, because you finally went and got a GED later? I did, and my cat ate it. Okay.

Wait, for real? Truly. Here, I'll show you. Your cat ate your GED? I have it framed in my office. Can you see it? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do you think it was because clearly you're very smart do you think it's not that clear you just hate school um there's a mannequin in my office i know there is a mannequin there's a mannequin behind you that looks like cara de levine actually one of my sons came in and was like that kind of looks like mommy no you know people have tried to make it about that i was i must have been so smart or i must have been so bored because i was so smart and i really just didn't understand yeah right are you dyslexic or anything i don't know don't know don't care yeah i am just leaps and bounds beyond school but i i don't i don't know what my problem was i probably had a lot going on at home let's not let's not ruin the vibe here let's get back

to ponti how how is ever should we say how everyone's week was yeah go for it may go for it go for it i don't know i've never spoken like that before but why not start my week was pretty good i went to disney um with a four-year-old i've never i've only been as an adult with other adults to disney and it was a whole other experience seeing like the magic and the wonder on the face of a kid was it was amazing but then I felt sort of like I got overwhelmed and sunburned like a toddler myself I like sort of needed sugar and yeah but it was it was good I don't know do Max and Finn like theme parks are they too they did we we we took them to Disneyland and then we brought them on Space Mountain when they were four. Oh, my God.

Wow. That's a hardcore one for a four-year-old. Yes. Yeah. And it was one of those things where when we sat in and the bar locked in front of us, Stephanie and I looked at each other and we're like, what in the hell did we just do? As we were clicking up the thing yeah and max and finn had no idea what was coming you know they're just sitting there and

then we just started zipping around the mountains in the pitch black in the pitch black at 5 000 miles an hour and then uh and and then we find we come out of the Space Mountain, and Finn was stunned. He was speechless. He didn't know what had just happened to him. And I think Max was too, but he's such a guy that we always joke that we need to start looking into frat houses to go drop him off.

Right. Because he's the kid that like shows up anywhere and is if there's a pool he's like belly flop and he just runs and jumps in uh where finn's a little skeptical of things and uh needs to make sure everything's uh you know this was yeah my experience was like because i was the only one who'd ever been before so they were saying is this ride too scary for a five-year-old and i yeah i kept misjudging and being like no this one's not scary and we did this star wars one where you're in oh yeah i thought it's fine you're sitting down you're in 3d glasses it's called star tours it's not that crazy but then as soon as the lights went

off and i just looked at this tiny child and it was like stormtroopers are shooting at us and we're in a battle and we're and she just like really quietly is just like yeah scared and then she started um deep breathing because i guess oh no her her mama taught her if you're ever scared um just deep breathe so i just hear this tiny body next to me going she's over there oh my god doing yoga pose i know i felt terrible yeah but it was really fun they're scared in the moment and then they'll talk about it for weeks after right yeah yeah like it was no big deal yeah and just like i remember and then this happened i just went to disneyland a couple months ago and you did yeah i was terrified of every roller coaster i was forced to go on you were the one that was going deep breathing on the ride

i gotta change my pant damn panties jacks did you bring it can you hand me them my pants my panties yeah i get so scared i got a weird fact about space mountain because at one time i was on and it stopped halfway through the ride and and the lights came on and they just paused for like two minutes and they were like just a technical problem and then it kept going so afterwards i went to the guy and i was like what does that happen by the way and i thought it was like someone puked or there was an electrical thing and he said a lot of people bring their relatives

ashes to throw them on Space Mountain no what? apparently this is like pretty common so you're potentially inhaling people's ashes kidneys and toenails

you're zoned to a crisp oh my god like people are passionate about space mountain people are passionate about disney it's wild people are passionate about panties yeah i mean that that place is like packed everywhere we went there was like a thousand people wearing all the merch and yeah we made the mistake of walking through toontown which where is where all the little kids are and if you go there starting at like 2 p.m every child is screaming and crying because it's like nap time yeah just red face traumatized yeah or they just got put on space mountain by accident

and now time in toontown no one's sleeping i'm walking around going these kids need naps thanks uncle fortune i'm just doing what i can, you know? Well, how was your week, Fortune? My week was good. I've been on tour, so I'm traveling all over. Are you on tour now? Mm-hmm. I'm going to Tulsa here shortly, and I just got back from Michigan. Jax and I did some, I had some shows up there,

and then we went early to visit Jax's mom and stepdad. Oh. We went on a boat ride. Whoa. When you're on tour, do you try to like spend some time in the city too? Or are you just in and out? Like if I was there, I'd be looking for the escape rooms. Yeah. When I was doing clubs, I was, you know, there for two to three days.

So I would go all over the city and try all the places. But right now I'm doing a theater a night so it's usually like three cities and a different theater each night so there's no time I'm lucky to get like a coffee and a meal right and then I'm on the in the car the plane the next day to the next city what a life yeah it's wild that's a lot of traveling I bet you're getting a lot of points. I just learned what that is because I got my first credit card. I'm 36 years old.

I just got my first ever credit card. Yeah, I've only had debit cards because I've been nervous about spending too much, I guess. But I just realized. But you're only almost 40. Of course you just got a credit card. I know. It's insane when you think about it. So I have no credit but did you get one

that has points that you can get because that's the whole name of the game with credit cards yeah my friend do you know sabrina julies she's like a point a points psychopath like obsessed with points and so she's instructing me and it's one that automatically is pays itself off every month from your bed there you go so i don't i'm not too stressed and i'm getting my driver's license finally but that's a whole other story we should baby's growing up i know i know yes yeah yeah you're got your big girl panties on i got my big girl panties on no you know they'd be little little tiny boy boxers yeah we've been talking about it on the podcast i've been treading water lately just a few minutes out

of my day that i take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day now i've been using seeds dso1 daily symbiotic and it's great my skin feels better i feel better it's just good so trust your gut with seeds ds01 daily symbiotic go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome code 25handsome. I love the show hacks and it is baby, for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind

of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. What about you, Tig?

Did you have a good week? No. No, I got sick. Stephanie's been sick, and then i got sick and um our sons max and finn turned seven on monday and i was in bed sick and it was yeah so but we had some really fun lead-up times and we went sailing this weekend before their birthday and then we also had their birthday at one of those big bouncy house places and i feel like that's prime location for you to break an ankle or get an injury you're an injury i didn't i didn't i wasn't bouncy house

yeah okay yeah just it was a bunch of know, anywhere from three to nine year olds. So that was really fun. And then, I don't know, maybe you guys know our wonderful producer, Thomas. He got engaged and we had his engagement party at our office. Oh, my God. And it was just a really special, fun night. That's so fun. I had no idea Thomas got engaged.

He did. To a very wonderful person. And it just, his mother came out and all his friends were there. And it was just so, it was just a really, really, really wonderful night. I hope Thomas feels that way too. He's shaking his head. Yeah. Yeah.

It was so fun oh my god that's amazing yeah so that was kind of the build-up to um getting sick um was thomas's engagement party and then sailing and uh bouncy houses and all sorts of things well we we did our photo shoot for the thumbnail and yes it was really funny to me imagining if this podcast never comes out and we just have these professional photos of us just hugging out hugging in suits yeah cheersing and laughing and posing with whiskey just we're all three in suits holding whiskey and at some different points hugging each other laughing and then also like pulling some sexy faces yeah like whatever sultry you two nail

the sexy faces jacks was like you have to work on your sexy face i'm like i don't think i can do sexy face i think you can i think you did i think we were all looking very very sexy i think you can too and i also think it's not true that that's like the quintessential sexy face i don't find very sexy i try to do it anyway where you look kind of bored and horny and like serious but i find isn't that what you're supposed to do i have no idea i even did the hand in the shirt at one point yeah i did and i was like i didn't even know that was an option i know but the i find it i like when people are smiling if i could just stick my hand in my shirt i'm like may is coming up with other poses that i didn't realize

i think may knows more than we do about sexy pose yeah you know we've got our big girl panties on and may's over there with like some cool underwear no boy shorts a little boy yeah being sexy i do feel like you have sexy on lock this is crazy this podcast is the only place where my confidence gets boosted like that I don't feel that about myself but thank you I was trying to do like a Napoleon style hand in the

you know he's always got his hand in the meanwhile we're doing Napoleon Dynamite over on the other side I love tater tots that's unrelated right it's also so funny that we poured those whiskeys to be we thought it'd be cool if we were photographed with the whiskeys and then didn't drink them tig you don't drink and then we like poured them back into the bottle after it's so geeky i drink whiskey but more of an old-fashioned i do a little bit of sugar in there, and then I can drink it.

Well, we need to have a little handsome whiskey night where the three of us get together. No one else is invited. Yeah, just bros. Just handsome bros having whiskey. Who's asking? What of it? Get out.

Get out of my room. I'm just in here with some handsome bros in our big girl panties. Sharing some war stories. Trying to swallow whiskey. Yeah, get out. We're all coughing. This is strong. Cigar smoke.

Choking on our little suits. Yeah. Trying to smoke a cigar. Didn't light them. We're just so handsome and sexy we did a show together fortune that leads into our yeah may and i did a show at largo and our lovely friend who is one of tig's best friends sarah silverman uh happened to be there uh we all know sarah love sarah uh sarah has a new special out on max called someone you love and it was so funny great new special oh so good

yeah yeah it's like all our voices just got really serious but that's because it was so good it's like yeah loved it it's great yes yeah we're being honest about it yeah i love that sarah did the thing in the beginning because you know i've had like my mom introduced me at specials and like some people have their kids introduced and they're everyone's trying to find a different way to like yeah their touch on specials and so sarah just had two rando kids at the beginning of her special. I was like, can you pretend to be my kids? That's just, I love how her brain works. Yeah, she's so silly.

So I asked Sarah, do you have a question for us? And it turns out Sarah did. Also, she didn't even hesitate with what the question she knew right away she's like oh yeah i do i want to know this and this is yeah because i was like you can be serious you can be silly she's like i got it i was like oh okay so here we go hi handsome it's your old pal sarah silverman i have a question and I'd like to hear you guys discuss it. How do you each wash your asshole and vagina? Just under the whole undercarriage area. Thanks.

I've been dying for someone to ask this question so that I can finally find out how you guys wash your assholes i truth be told i've never had anyone ask me this it's something really yeah i haven't really thought about it much in my life i guess when you have kids you're you have to get desensitized to washing someone else's asshole or like cleaning up someone's butt right well even on your own you you've had decades to get used to cleaning it it's not like i waited till i had kids and then was like oh finally oh this is how you do it yeah like for 45 years just a terrible build-up back there and then i had kids and then was like oh okay all right it's just not something

that i i obviously have been washing it i guess i mean i know it sounds like you haven't you don't seem it sounds like you haven't maybe i have to say i don't always think about that hole yeah like i i'm externally grazing the area i'm sorry the dirtiest hole you it doesn't cross your mind while you're in a shower or tub i mean to clean yourself i don't think that i'm like thinking like it's asshole time yes same nor are you like time to get those toes sparkly clean you know focus on armpits do you have a routine as you go through cleaning your body there you go it's armpit time well i definitely i shower every morning i have to what do you mean you have to because it wakes me up if i if i have a day where i don't shower in

the morning i feel lethargic all day same so my routine i thought you were saying it like you have to like you don't you wouldn't imagine what happens with my body you guys don't want to know what yeah happens to my panties when i don't shower which that is hilarious that this randomly ties into the panties. Who knew that would be a tie-in? But yeah, so I shower every morning. I usually wet my hair using conditioner. You're not supposed to shampoo every day. Are you supposed to condition every day?

Honestly, I don't know. Do y'all know? I don't know if you were jumping in there like you knew I I only wash my hair about once a week wow and I don't ever condition it because in my head I'm thinking oh well my natural oils are conditioning my hair everyone talks about these natural oils I I'm like I shower and bathe way too much I used to wash my face like 10 times a day almost borderline like problem time like I wouldn't say borderline. Yeah, you're right.

Full problem. 10 times a day with whatever soap was around. Like sometimes that pink soap in airport bathrooms, just like scrubbing my. Yeah, I just hated feeling oily in any way. Wait, the pink soap in a public bathroom? Yeah, you know what I mean, right? I do. But that is not good.

Can't be good on your face no and it so it was making my skin oilier I guess because I was oh yeah constantly and also everyone thought I was bulimic because I would eat a meal and then I'd be like gotta go to the bathroom and they'd hear the tap running I'd be in there 15 minutes I'd come out all red face but it was you washing your face yes yeah you just were like feeling it's like my face feels dirty to me yeah i don't know where that interesting came from i sort of do because my mom used to call me a greasy girl but it's probably rooted there yeah i think i think we got to the bottom of it pretty quick really like directly found the answer yeah but now. I don't know where that came from,

except my mom did used to refer to me as a greasy girl. It might lead back to this one traumatic moment for me. About my face? But everyone used to tell me you're stripping the natural oils and I'd be like, shut up. But then as soon as I stopped washing my face that much, it's all better. It's all cleared up.

Yeah. up but then as soon as i stopped washing my face that much it's all paired up yeah yeah i think the less you actually wash the less oily you get i guess that's true yeah i mean not to bring it back to napoleon again but napoleon uh had a fetish for like dynamite yeah no napoleon napoleon bonaparte bonaparte bonaparte he had a fetish for he would write to josephine his wife he'd if he was a like on the battlefield and he'd say i'm coming back in six weeks josephine and he'd say dear josephine he'd say don't shower i'm coming back in six weeks i want you like disgusting yeah that. That's so gross. I know he was obsessed. That's wild.

Well, you know, in the old times I was taking a tour of Portugal and they were like, you know, in the back of the day, people only had two baths in their lifetime. What? I don't know what part of history this was,

but there was a part of history. They were like, you get a bath when you're born and you get a bath when you're dead. I was like, that, that's wild to me that is crazy and you don't know what point in history like was it the 70s or like the 70s kind of look like people had greasy hair and mustaches no matter what the gender and it was just it was when castles were around i don't know because we were passing my castles and that's the story that they said when castles were around is this a history podcast yeah i think so i did speaking i did google like weird bathing techniques

and look we should get back to our personal assholes but um i read that in 19th century germany they used to bathe in horse broth they'd boil down a horse and then bathe in the broth i'm vegan i'm vegan let's not all forget this yeah you would have been in big trouble and uh in ancient greece crocodile dung bath apparently is very toning for the skin what and may did you google this because of this question that sarah submitted or because you were just looking for a freaky new way to get your undercarriage clean well i do i do like to amass facts for if i'm on a date to have a lot of facts but this specifically i think i was hoping to like distract away from having to talk about my own asshole so i i did google some historical bathing wait a minute

when you go on a date you google things thank you for going back to that i have walk walk us through this before we even get to your undercarriage i have hundreds of facts in my notebook and in my phone and it's in case conversation dries up i got facts and i've got like how would you rather question and you bring up alligator dung yeah i would when you're trying to get someone's ponties um off yeah or on yeah no puns intended hey uh so uh alligator dung yeah is an excellent you rub that around on your body to clean probably like a sort of full clay mask and is this from olden times or yeah this is um around cleopatra times and she okay wow she would also bathe in milk and honey and it was like that sounds nice well it sounds nice and then you find out it's sour donkey milk

after you've been relaxing in heaven you find out it's sour donkey milk. Now, here's the thing. Everybody always puts such importance into what people did years ago. You know, they'll say, this is the caveman diet. This is how they ate before civilization, you know. and I'm like, they knew nothing. Of course, they were bathing in alligator dung. Yeah, they don't know anything. They were also had that was available.

They have no information. They're so newly into anything, anything. They don't have CBD, cupping, they don't have retinol, they don't have pantiesd cupping they don't have retinal they don't have panties exactly they don't have anything so it's like when people say to me no you should do this they've done this for thousands of years that immediately makes me think i should not do this because this was a decision made by somebody with absolutely no information. Yeah, someone who thought that the world was on top of a turtle's back in a cosmic ocean. People that would walk up and bite a tree trunk and then jump off a cliff because they didn't

know they were anything about heights. That's what I imagine cave people doing was like, yeah, a tree and then jumping off a cliff and being like, they don't have a map. Yeah. Well, you don't need a map to know that this is far down to not to not map. I would at least think they would have grabbed a rock and be like, let's see what happens is rock. And even still, they don't have the information to know that they will die. Okay. Okay. Agree to disagree. Okay. All right. You see it your way. This portion of agree to disagree. What if we immediately went to a video clip where Fortune and I are just wrestling each other? It is.

It isn't. It is. It isn't it is it isn't that would be pretty great content i'm just trying to imagine someone who's just gone on a date with may and they're like talking to their friends about it at brunch the next day and they're like well you'll never guess what i learned and then they're like did you go out with May? Napoleon didn't want his wife to bathe for six weeks. Love that stank. The embarrassing thing about it is sometimes I don't want to admit that I've just been Googling and amassing facts. So if I got a new fact that I think is good, I'll try and steer the conversation. I'll be like, towards it.

I don't know about alligators. I don't know. And then I'll try and get there wait that's your segue i don't know about alligators you ever you ever think about alligators or you're like talking about your hobbies yeah i gotta steer this alligator somehow i know that reminds me of alligators how about about those alligators? What about their dung? Yeah, like I'm not listening to anything my data is saying. They're like really talking about their life and family.

Alligator dung can really get an undercarriage clean. I mean squeaky clean. The thing shines. Check, please. Well, that's a first. I've not ever heard that before. And nor will you hear it again. I can promise you that.

You probably won't even hear it if you listen to this podcast. We'll cut it all out. Yeah, Thomas for sure is making a note. Edit out alligator dung talk. Have you guys ever used a, is it pronounced a bidet? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. I have i have not well it's very european that right so you probably had did you have one in london my grandma had one actually

yeah in in her old house but i never really got good she should have oh trust me yeah yeah i heard about her of course she had one what a smelly butthole all that tea and scones oh boy well they have so i think in america the more popular version if you have a a couple of dollars to put down on a toilet are those uh japanese toilets the toto toilets and they spray up into your butt yeah it's like a more modern day bidet and is this a have we gone to commercial is this our advertisement i would love to have them as sponsors so we can all get a bidet the handsome pod is pushing bidets like so hard just get your undercarriage clean people for the love of god we're like thanks for this question sarah this episode happens to be brought to you by well i listened to sarah's podcast and

now i'm like is this a conspiracy where she's just trying to get it back to because on her podcast she's like it's brought to you by hello tushy that was a pretty good sarah impersonation that was pretty good that is but yeah i have a good maria bamford impression let's hear it oh okay guys yeah oh um ask me a question okay first of all i realized i couldn't just um maria what'd you have for lunch oh well i'm not doing it well i'm loving it that's great you're there i keep going into uh kate mccoochie iucci. I want to say oh jeez guys. Right. And Maria's more I don't know. Yeah. She's a little Marge Simpson-y.

Or is that Marge? Yeah Marge. Yeah. Okay. Homie. Oh God. What has this podcast become? Our listeners are like you lost me there. It's you doing an impression going wait is that it am i right i was into the panty discussion but when we went marge simpson i'm gonna go get a snack okay so back to the buttholes yeah first off do you guys call them you you know, Sarah refers to it as an asshole.

Is that how you guys describe it? I say butthole. Well, it's interesting Sarah said that because she, if you're really familiar with Sarah's material, she for a long time claimed she didn't have one, that it was just a gunshot. That's so funny. So busted. It was an old gunshot wound i believe um and that she absolutely does not have one so that's do you guys go just to get to the real heart of the matter i hate to ask but like

am i supposed to am i meant to be going in my butt when I clean it or just the exterior? You, yes. Because you're related to your grandmother. Old Smelly Butt. Yeah, this runs in the family. So I would highly recommend you get in there. Old Smelly Butt Martin. What's her God-given name? Oh, it was.

It was. No disrespect. R.I.P. it's just a medical issue it's not we're not disrespecting anybody here i i would probably spend more time cleaning the front the the vagine more than the b the v more than the b right really. Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, me too. But maybe it's a new era. Oh, you're talking about because the young folks are eating. Yes. Eating butt. They're eating, I guess the proper thing is eating ass.

I keep seeing this on. That is the proper way. That's the proper. That's how Mae's grandmother would have said it. I tried to say eating butt, but it doesn't have the same effect. It sounds trashy when you say it like that. Then, yeah. So I think maybe more, you're saying, May, you think more infamous.

What's the word? Emphasis. Thank you. Is being put on that. I'm the one without an education. I can't just be pulling up words for everyone so may you're saying yes more emphasis on the b than the v well these days on the v than the b yeah yeah that's what i have been doing my whole life and same with you more emphasis on the v than the b yeah okay here's my

question why must you not give an even clean to both? Why do you refuse, both of you? Time. Time constraints for Fortune. I'm busy. Fortune has a hard out. I'm a hard out. She's got a hard out on her undercarriage. I have to get out of that shower in 10 minutes.

I think I just, I want to feel super confident in the V, like if I'm inviting anyone to that area. So I just, I get really focused on it. Well, if you've invited someone V that like, if I'm inviting anyone to that area. So I just, I get really focused on it. If you've invited someone onto that area, guess what's not too far away from that area. The B is grandma's problem area. The medical term for that area is I've never invited anyone to my B.

It was my understanding. That's how you hook jacks with it was through the b yeah you're like i got a filthy b and she was like napoleon no i've never wanted anyone near my b well i'm only just sort of being confident and brave enough to be like well some it's got to be something in it like people love it so i've got i'm interested i'm i'm like oh you're you're into it now i haven't i haven't gone there but i'm really open to it okay so i'm gonna have to focus on the beat you're gonna have to wash it you said you've never invited anyone to your to the b and i have to say now that you've announced publicly worldwide that you don't spend time on it i don't know that you're gonna have many visitors well my wife is a germaphobe

so i know she ain't know what's going on it depends you know what direction you're wiping if you're wiping i know there's a whole thing about which direction to wipe one's more difficult than the other unless you have a bidet right yeah and you just um this could solve everything yeah that's why this episode is brought to you by hello toshi toto and hello toshi what about colonics have you had one of those i've had one i've never i haven't had why am i having deja vu like we've talked about colonics before we for sure have not okay no we definitely have one million percent you know you know this podcast goes back many years it's hard to remember we've talked about wait so you've you've had one colonic I've had one

I didn't mind it apparently you're really energized after well so so yeah you like lay down and they you gotta roll on your side oh you have to drink a bunch of stuff and water you invite not whiskey not whiskey no whiskey when you say stuff you have to drink a lot like a ton of water until um or no is that a different test are you thinking of a bladder ultrasound maybe that's an ultrasound i definitely did have a colonic but i maybe didn't drink water but you when you invite them to the b you gotta so you they stick a tube in your b and then they're like did you drink a lot of water? You're like, is that the wrong test? I'm so sorry. I thought I was getting an ultrasound.

Is this not an ultrasound? So you lay there while this tube is taking all the stuff out of your body. Out of your grandma's problem area. You would be shocked. I'm telling you. Not just me, because I have a lot in my system you'd be shocked by the amount of stuff that comes through that tube i don't doubt that there would be like what's the amount pieces of lego give me numbers like what like a lot i don't know buckets

wait buckets and just were they really like two buckets on a pole on their shoulders? Well, as you know, I can't remember if I drank a lot of water for this. So I'm not sure. But there was someone with a bonnet on that had buckets on a pole. And then they make butter. And then they went and churned your... And they made bee butter. No, it's just butter.

That's where it came from but then it feels great you feel you do feel like cleansed yeah after i'm actually shocked i haven't gotten more we should get one for the pod we should i think the three of us need to line up a colonic colonic yeah are we gonna have three separate doctors performing them simultaneously or one person running? Thomas will do it. Here's the thing. So we know that May's open to the bee. Hasn't done it yet.

Tig, what is your relationship with your bee? Closed. It's closed for business. Closed for business. Closed. Are you washing it? Haven't washed once. Oh, no way.

I don't believe it. No, I'm a bit of a germaphobe myself. And I really get into every nook and cranny and scrub-a-dub-dub. Okay. Not to overshare, because I'll be invited to other people's bees and i'm totally comfortable with it and i get psychologically why it's hot because it's so vulnerable and it's like i and so that's now where i'm wrapping my head around like maybe i need to invite people to my because i think there's something hot about like it's so it's so uh yeah it's vulnerable it's like

a process you're doing together like you gotta be you know what i mean i like any process i find hot where you can we rewind for a second so i'm scared so you're being intimate with someone yeah and they're just like hey you can get back there in that b if you want is that how it works yeah i mean to be honest a lot of men that i've been with they oh they want a finger up the butt they want okay other things up their butt and it's it got me more into it okay and then some people it's just part of their wheelhouse it's just never been in the in the menu for me like but now that i sort of see the appeal, I'm like, okay, I got it. So maybe I got to get hello, Tushy.

Well, you know what? You're going to have to report back to us. Why isn't it called goodbye, Tushy? Well, hello. Like, well, here we are. Is hello, Tushy? Is that a bidet situation? Well, it could be hello or goodbye because the tissue goes down and the tissue goes up.

What if it's because it's shooting water water you're going hello yeah that's what i kind of thought okay then that's because it goes up your butt you're like hello i'm sure we'll hear from the company and they'll let us know but it's a bidet right it's not like a I think it's one of those electric toilets, I think. Okay, gotcha. Where it has different settings and... Yeah. I think one of the settings is like a cool wind, like that drives you.

But I don't know that I would like that. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you guys are interested, but our pal Sarah Silverman actually answered this question as well, if you'd like to hear what Sarah said. I really would, yeah. I also kind of feel like I already know. Oh, really?

Because hello to she? Just being too close to her for too long. Okay. True. You guys know each other very well. So what I do is I, I like a liquid soap, maybe a Dr. Bronner's, is that you? And I lather up my pubes.

Then I use that lather toes then I use that lather I scoop up that lather and put it amongst my within and betwixt in between my undercarriage vagina and asshole lather it up in there rinse

thanks just a thanks thank you guys for letting me share that can I tell you what is so incredible is that my stepfather who passed away was so buttoned up you know

just tried to do things the right way that was in his mind this is you know the right way and this is whatever his favorite comedian of all time sarah silverman no way the most buttoned up man that walked this earth i love that always call and be like tig did you watch watch Sarah's new special? Or did you see Sarah on whatever show? It was like she was his other child. He loved her so much.

I bet it was like almost cathartic for him to see someone being so open. Well, and my mother was so wild and open and free. And I guess he's just, I mean, my mother, there was nothing similar between my mother and Sarah. But I think probably that's right is just he was drawn to anything that was nothing like him. Yeah. Anyway, that's what makes me laugh to think of if my stepfather could hear that he would probably be laughing very hard and amused but you would never hear anything like that out of him can we talk about using your pubes as a as a lathering device like because i i just lather in my head i don't know that you don't start the ladder there it's so funny to be like i just love how earnest sarah is about. Here's what I do.

Liquid soap. Well, none of us are using bar soap, right? I don't use bar soap, but you know what I do use? The hippie side of me. I use this bar shampoo. I've heard of it. And because then you don't have to use extra plastic with shampoo. You just have this bar and it lathers up so nice on your hair you just rub it around i just with bars it reminds me of my dad or my grandpa maybe who

they'd use it until it was just like as thin as a credit card like just use it right down and then you got all these little slivers of soap everywhere yeah Like the weird sort of rituals that you do in your bathroom that you kind of assume everyone does and you're just like, well, then I lather it in my pubes and I scoop it back. Today's podcast is very educational. We know. That's funny.

Thank you so much for the question, Sarah. I feel like... Yes, thank you. It was a good one. We learned a lot. I still want to dip my bee into some sour donkey milk. That's what I'm... That's your takeaway?

Yeah. Or some crocodile dung. I learned to just stay away from fortune's bee. Grandma's problem area. Sex for you. No matter how much fortune tries to lure me into her grandma's problem area. So my grandma has a problem area too now? No, I'm saying this is just as a general,

like just grandma's problem area is just the name of a bee at this point. But that's traceable back to my specific grandma. Your specific grandma. May's grandma. She has got the... When did she pass? 2012. Okay, and still stinking to high heaven.

They couldn't even bury her in a regular graveyard. They just had to put her out in the field. Oh, grandma. Well, grandma's problem area. Well, so that's what I learned is no matter how much fortune tries to lure me to her Grandma's problem area. Come on, T. Hard pass.

Nope, hard pass. A formal written invitation, not going to work. I learned, and I'm not a hundred percent on this the clonics don't require you to drink water maybe that is for an ultrasound we all gotta go get one an ultrasound uh yeah we all gotta go get an ultrasound definitely gonna get a colonic post the results super stoked about that and possibly a a toilet that has the spray on it yeah hello toilet hello hello if that's not part of their ad campaign it should be hello hello toilet I do know this

it's always lovely talking with you guys I laugh more here than anywhere and we hope everybody else enjoyed today's episode as well and we hope everybody goes and puts on their ponties ponties or take

off your ponties and say hello toilet before we go does anyone have anything handsome they'd like to promote oh thank you for asking i have a very handsome tour going on right now i will be coming to norfolk virginia baltimore maryland san antonio texas new orleans port, Oregon, Spokane, Washington, and Boise in the next couple months. Go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Very handsome. I'm on tour too. September 15th, I'll be in Torrington, Connecticut. September 16th, Rochester, New York. September 17th, Wilmington, Delaware. September 25th, Colorado Springs, September 28th,

Breckenridge, Colorado. Then I'm going on a European tour in October. Go to tignotaro.com to check out all the show and ticket information. Then I'm back in the States, October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. And then I'm taping my next special November 4th live in Brooklyn, New York at King's Theater. I also want to mention that if you want to see our three handsome faces all in one place, I'll be hosting a live streaming version of my podcast, Don't Ask Tig, the evening of September 12th and Fortune in May are my very special guests. So go to don'tastig.org to get your tickets now. Oh, and if you enjoyed the podcast, it really helps us if you subscribe to and review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts. And also tell three friends about the podcast to tell them to tell their friends.

May, do you have any handsome things going on? I am at Largo on August 24th, and I think there's still some tickets for that. I'm doing improv, actually, with Tig's wonderful wife, Stephanie Allen, and Elena Johnston. We're doing improv based on audience questions, and we might have a special guest or two.

And then similarly, end of August, I'm at Dynasty Typewriter doing improv. These are both in LA, by the way. And at Dynasty, I'm doing four or five nights in a row. I should know the exact number, but it's like August 30th, 31st, September 1st, September 2nd. I guess that adds up to four nights. I'm doing a different improv show every night. You never know who's going to stop by. There's going to be surprise celebrity guests and people like, well, Stephanie Allen, Lisa Gilroy, Alana, people from the UK, and then surprise directors. And we're doing ridiculous improv. Tickets are on sale at the Dynasty Typewriter website. And don't forget, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com

and follow us on social media at handsomepod.