Handsome - Stephanie Allynne asks about secret disguises

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Today on Handsome, Stephanie Allynne asks about secret disguises! Why is Tig wearing a bonnet in Louisville? Plus, gross nannies, Mae's party recap, and Fortune's Thailand adventure!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the handsome pod. This is Tig Notaro and my co-hosts, Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin. yeah we're coming right at you i mean a little delayed because we found out um may was having a canada day well you had a canada day party last night and that put your wi-fi out until exactly 10 30 okay well it was like i'm running late my wife is out can we start at 10 30 i'll be ready at it'll be ready and back up at 10 30 i mean it'd take an hour like may's probably smooching someone or some or if not a gaggle fun right now i'm like weighing up whether to double down on the tech thing or whether to just say yeah i had a canada day party but it well look we already we already had a feeling the wi-fi might not have been down until 10 30. the house is in disarray you know Are there people passed out currently in your home?

No, I like that image, though. People draped over all my furniture. Did you leave a bedroom full of people and say, I'll be right back? I'll be right back in 90 minutes. We pictured you kissing everyone like, I'll be back. I'll see you. Thank you for coming. What was your name?

I'll be back. I'll see you. Thank you for coming. What was your name? And fortune suggested that possibly the internet technician was in the room too. Yeah. Yeah. Bruce.

Bruce. Yeah. He came around early in the morning and then didn't leave. So tell us. Yeah. Tell us what happened at your Canada Day day party well don't spare any details but also it's canada day this is one of those things where as a kid i struggled with how is it that christmas and hanukkah fall around the same time. Oh, and so you're thinking about July 4th.

Yeah, 4th of July and Canada Day. Yeah, it is weird. And it's one of those ones where you, I think if I was in Canada, I probably wouldn't celebrate it because I think you're probably just celebrating like genocide or something. Well, and you probably wouldn't want to celebrate it too

because if we know anything about Canada Day, it knocks out your Wi-Fi. It's Canada Day, it knocks out your Wi-Fi. It's really dangerous when it does to your Wi-Fi. But when you're in the States, you're like, we got to, oh, we're not in Canada. Yeah. And I think, so I got all the Canadians I know together and we listened to like the most nostalgic playlist. And there's songs that are, I assumed were huge all over the world and just people have

not heard of here like oh love song by sky they're a french canadian uh pop duo don't know them oh man i know every word of that song and yeah we did some arts and crafts okay this is how that song goes okay and also my voice is kind of deep and raspy from being hung over. Well, you're handsome. Thank you so much. That's what causes a deep voice. That's true. Yeah. Okay, this is Love Song by Scott. Okay.

Your brothers, they all think I'm crazy. I think it's nothing at all. Today I'm feeling kind of lazy. So I'll be sleeping it off once again it's kind of like a love song hey crazy old fashion but i think they learned to say the words phonetically because they didn't really speak english yeah they were french canadian and in interviews they're like we are sky like they can't they don't speak english and then the song yeah we are happy canada day i have never heard that song but yeah sounds like a jam isn't that a good first line your brothers they all think i'm crazy yeah and why do you care about

your brother don't look impressed well i'm i was imagining i don't know i was trying to think what's the origin of this yeah your brothers all think i'm crazy yeah you're all on a farm there's a lot of brothers i was picturing a hoedown yeah on a farm yeah french canadian farm and maybe he's dating like a family friend so like the whole family knows each other yeah Yeah. And they're like, Oh, so it's a man singing. It's a man singing. Yeah. It's two men in this pop duo and he's got a little goatee and the other one completely bald and hairless. Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. Did you listen to like Sarah McLaughlin? Katie Lang. We did all that. Yeah. Alanis. Rufus.

Tegan and Sarah. Rufus. Yeah. You're doing Rufus's birthday party, right? Rufus Wainwright? I am. He's having a 50th birthday party in Montauk, New York. In my mind, you're going to do a beautiful piano ballad. Well, yes, of course. I think I'm the only comedian. It's, you know, Laurie Anderson. I think I'm the only comedian It's you know Laurie Anderson Yeah Yeah

There's a lot of musicians A lot of his family members And then Laurie Anderson And It's hard to follow A musician sometimes Mm-hmm

Good luck I imagine I would go on First Yeah I would hope Yeah Yeah

Tell us about the party though Yeah When did it start? When did it end? Started at seven. I was really anxious. I thought not enough people were going to come. And then and then it really got going. And then my neighbor texted me and said, I'm sorry to bother you. But I and she said, I really need to sleep with like 711 711 7Ls. Oh, that's a lot of needing to sleep yeah i really need to sleep like so wait are you in an apartment you're in a house right it looks like a house but would you believe there's someone below me i would believe so it's a house uh divided i guess into

but i'm on the ground floor it appears but then actually why am I speaking like a riddle because it's on a hill right so you're the top part and then there's a apartment underneath you it's not that complicated would you believe it appears it appears I'm on the ground you were being pretty loud with your Katie Lang songs yeah and then um and I said, okay, sorry, I'll try and wrap it up. So I wrapped it up pretty early, actually. How early? What is early? Some people stayed.

A small group stayed. All the cute ones? You can stay and you can stay. You get a rose. You get a rose. I mean, everyone else, they get the F out. Get the F out. But what time did it wrap up, truly?

10 minutes ago. No, it wasn't that crazy. I was probably asleep by 3. That's good. I have to say, Stephanie and I put Max and Finn to bed, and they're asleep by 8.30. And then we go do our nightly routine and go to bed. Really?

Yes. So 3 a.m. Oh, were you awake for the earthquake? Oh, that woke Jackson up. I didn't feel an earthquake. It was a giant jolt. It couldn't compete with your party. That's right.

Yeah, I was like, you birds, they all think I'm crazy. It was a 4.2 magnitude out in Malibu. Yeah. Whoa. And it like shook our whole house. Fortune, if you could please refer to it as the boo. The boo. Okay.

Yeah. There was an earthquake in the boo. Okay. And it was one of those, you know, sometimes they're like rolling where it's like it lasts for a couple seconds and then sometimes there's the jolt this was the jolt were you asleep fortune yeah we were both asleep and it we both were like yeah whoa see stephanie is the only person in our house that feels any earthquake. And she said it's the most isolating time because she'll be asleep and then the earthquake will hit.

And then she'll be just, you know, wide awake, oh God, oh God. And then she looks over and I'm like, and then checks on Max and Finn. They're all asleep. But she and the three cats are in a panic. Oh my God. In a panic. I'm glad she has the cats. Yeah.

You never know if there's going to be, sometimes there's a follow-up. Right. That's always like, can I go back to sleep or am I going to get jolted again? And that's the only time Twitter is pleasant, when you can go on there for everyone to be like,

earthquake, question mark? Did you go on Twitter? Yeah, because I'm always like, did I feel what I think I felt? You don't trust yourself. Earthquake! Yeah, that's a very, yeah thing trust your feelings that's right guys so may you had so much jolting going on at your place it was hard to even know that that was an earthquake yeah i didn't i didn't feel it yeah oh one cool thing happened oh i so i had got

marshmallows sort of as a canadian like i thought we could roast them over my gas stove. And so we had all these marshmallows. This is so Canadian of you. I mean, you're known as being, you know, nice people. And the fact that you're having a full on throw down and then you're like, I'm going to go get marshmallows for the party. Yeah. Wholesome, wholesome fun. But like for a s'mores situation? Yeah. Or just marshmallows for the party yeah wholesome wholesome fun but like for a s'mores situation

yeah just marshmallows well i couldn't find the um graham crackers at the i ended up just with marshmallows but so they're all on sticks um and then it's just a burnt marshmallow for everybody wait no that's what is it canada day if you're Canadian, that's more than enough. We don't ask for much. Well, us fatty Americans are like, we need a bunch of more stuff on that. You're like, get it? We need s'more stuff. Fortune, you are on fire.

Continue. How could we possibly continue? I know. That was too good. I i liked it so you got the marshmallows on a stick over the gas stove yeah and then i had bought also arts and crafts supplies and i bought play-doh and uh wow there was one one of these marshmallows was bright red and it looks like it had been rolled in like hot cheeto dust or something it was really i was like why is one of the marshmallows bright red yeah good question prankster had just made a play-doh marshmallow and put it in with the other ones and i almost roasted it and then i

started finding other little pranks around my house like someone had taken newspaper and wrapped up i want to say leave-in conditioner that was not from my house. Wait a minute. Was George Clooney at your party? Notorious prankster, George Clooney. Is he Canadian? Because I think Mr. Clooney. This sounds like an anecdote from Jimmy Fallon.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? And it was hidden underneath my TV. Oh, that's weird. It was like wrapped in newspaper and it was leave-in conditioner and also an empty bottle of cologne. Oh, you had a psychopath at your party. I had a true psychopath.

That's wild. I know. And they were making Play-Doh marshmallows. And I mean, I'm assuming that was the same person. Same energy. What would you do if you looked at your security camera and found that it was you? You did it.

That I had done that and had no memory of it? Yeah. You're the psychopath. I love that. I'm the psychopath. That would be a true Canada Day. I would absolutely not be that shocked. No, that was wild.

I love that idea. Did you know that my birthday is also on canada day oh my god it was your birthday yesterday yeah i've been celebrating it alongside canada for as long as i've been alive happy birthday what did you do um it was pretty low key i flew back from tulsa i had a show fun so my half my day was spent on airplanes. Did you treat yourself to a private jet from Tulsa because it was your birthday? You know, I didn't. I've never

ridden in the private jet. And Jax and I got brunch and then we stopped by my friend Allison's house for a drink later and then we went to dinner to this like tasting course crazy like too many courses

of just you and Jax or Allison as well just me and Jax the three of you Allison you want to go on a triple date so yeah it was a very low key you know some birthdays you want to like yeah and then others you're just chilling I was just chilling

yeah that's nice. That's nice. I didn't want to steal Canada's thunder. Do you kind of keep track of who reaches out to you and who doesn't? Like, am I on a bad list now? No. Am I on a good list? Yes.

I reached out. I reached out. That's true. Listen, I don't hold anyone against that because I'm really bad at remembering those kind of things. Yeah, me too. So I do not sweat it. Yeah, all right. Yeah, okay, good.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, meanwhile, if you moved the camera slightly to the right, there'd be a dartboard of my face. There's a whole board of it. A tally. Yes, it does. The naughty and nice list. I'm going to email Jax and see if you were irate about me. You mean this board?

We've been talking about it on the podcast. I've been treading water lately. Just a few minutes out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS-01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better.

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guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up, and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. And did you get any presents? presence um i'm not a big presence person because my mom for lack of a better way to describe it loves stuff um a lot of stuff yeah and that was my case my whole life uh so i'm sort of anti stuff as a result so people are always like what i don't know what to get you i'm like you don't

need to give me anything i'm fine but if they like insist i'm like i don't know what to get you. I'm like, you don't need to give me anything. I'm fine. But if they insist, I'm like, I don't know, like a- Trash bag? Like a gift card to a coffee shop. I love coffee. Okay. Like that. Or like a bottle, like bourbon. You know, I'm like-

Noted. Or I just prefer experiences. I do too. I tell my friends, just take me to dinner or something sometime. I would rather just us hang out. May, looks like we're going to have to take Fortune to dinner sometime. See, I would love that. I would love that too, actually.

I could organize an escape room for us. Does that appeal to anyone? Like a sort of horror escape room? Um, no. I can't imagine you in a horror escape room you can't imagine it no well i can and i love imagining it i just see you doing bits the whole time i just thinking of like why or just stopping and being like just let me out just let me out yeah you're like i give up i gave up before i came in yeah i'm definitely an experiences person i would like to just have quality time yeah all right

we'll get you a bottle of bourbon and take you to dinner come on now. That sounds perfect. Speaking of experiences, should we have the experience of listening to our question for the day? Yeah. Yes. May and I have not heard this question. Have you? I haven't heard the audio, but I do know the theme of it because it comes from my wife, Stephanie Allen.

Stephanie Allen. Stephanie Allen. Well, we just did. Thanks for including that. Stephanie and May have been doing a lot of shows together. We've been doing a lot of improv, me and Stephanie. Our family is very entangled with you, May, somehow. Well, yeah, because you think your son looks a lot like me. Well, one of them looks a bit like you,

and then you do improv with my wife. And then we do this podcast. So we just got to get you and Max somehow connected. Yeah. I know. I need to get into like the Dodgers or something. So I have something to talk to him about. Well, no.

Finn is more the Dodgers who you look like. And then Max is, you know, Pokemon and martial arts and stuff like that i happen to know quite a bit about pokemon oh well then you're in we're all set which one which one is good with stats finn that's finn the dodgers yeah finn gets up at 5 a.m gets on stephanie's phone checks all the stats for everything and then that was hilarious goes out and shoots hoops plays hockey street hockey in the driveway it was the nfl i happen to know it was the nfl draft yesterday see i wouldn't know finn was probably on top of it yeah i'll check in with finn about it yeah it's not running the whole thing yeah all right well let's see uh let's see what my lovely wife Stephanie has to ask us.

All right. And aside from being my lovely wife, you also might know her from The L Word or In a World, which is the movie that we met on. And she's also a very talented writer, director. Heck yeah. And improv. Genius.

And improvisation. Yes. Improv. How do I say it? Improvisational genius, I would say. And improvisational genius. With a very distinct style of improv. Yeah.

A dry wit. I met Stephanie years ago when we both did the Groundlings. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And I knew Tig and Stephanie at the same time, but they weren't together yet. You didn't know we were headed towards each other in life. I did not.

That's crazy. And I was very excited once you did. Mm-hmm. Me too. So here we are, and here's the question. Hi, Handsome Podcast. This is your handsome friend slash wife, Stephanie Allen. And my question for you all is, if you were running from the law, and you had to hide out somewhere in the world, where would you and how would you do it and what would be your disguise oh thanks sister wife that's really good yeah i'm i'm always so interested in this because

whenever well first of all in a comedic way what always amuses me when there's like a criminal and then they'll show pictures of them from before and they're like look they're changing their their their look you know uh and then they show you they had long hair and then five years later they had a mustache and then then the next year, they have a perm. And I used to fall for that when I was watching the news. And then I realized, everyone looks differently as time moves on. You're not always disguising yourself just because your hair is dyed, or you got a perm, or you grew a mustache, you know? That would be a really funny assumption to make every time your friend comes

over and has a new haircut what are you running from yeah what did you do yeah but when i hear about people that are actually in trouble and that are changing their look and running from the law living on the lamb as they say yeah i always think what a fun opportunity to just like really change your look you know and start fresh yeah i don't know if you saw that documentary the the jinx and he goes on the lam and he hides this is robert durst yeah and he he went in disguise as a a mute woman yes like it was so unnecessarily drastic that changed he could have just dyed his hair and been like us but he he went in full drag and he said he was writing down i'm mute i was like and he rented an apartment he accidentally writes i'm a murderer i mean i'm mute i'm mute i'm mute

well he's isn't he the one that got caught on camera saying like, I did it. Yeah. Was that him? Yeah. They got the recording of him saying, I killed them all, of course. So it's like, why go to the trouble of going in drag as a mute woman if you're just going to confess to the drugs? They say that and they're like, she's not mute.

And she's not a she. Yeah. I killed them all, of course. i killed them all of course i killed them all of course how is that the end of your story of like doing that running from the law being a mute woman and then saying it even though you thought you were saying it to yourself. I know. Why are you talking out loud? It killed them all, of course. I know. If anyone hasn't seen that documentary, he leaves his microphone on.

He doesn't know he's mic'd, and he goes to the bathroom. Well, don't give it away. Oh, yeah, I know. We've got a huge spoiler. It's been out for a while. He killed them all, of course. Of killers?

He also left shampoo in May's apartment last night oh yeah he left in my apartment you were partying with his corpse oh is he dead yeah he died god dang it no but his ghost still comes to canada day parties and leaves leave-in conditioner and play-doh marshmallows around just to fuck with people uh classic him man yeah classic him classic him uh but how how would either of you disguise yourselves and where would you go where would we go have you thought about it take well stephanie and i were on a walk the other day and this conversation came up because there is this really small area between a fence and a garage in our neighborhood where you would have to turn sideways and hold your breath and shimmy down this area to get back there and i was telling Stephanie I said oh if you're ever trying to hide just head on down in this area and then she was like but yeah but

somebody could walk by and just look down and see you and I said yeah but here's what you got to do you take some cardboard and you shimmy down there with the cardboard sideways just as your body is and then you turn the cardboard you know you turn the cardboard to block anyone looking so down box you in you just live in that little nook well you got to bring a lot of snacks yeah you got to bring a little bucket to you know sit on when you yeah that's if you're like i feel like in a in the middle of a chase yeah right that's the kind of hideout for that but if you're gonna go long term you're gonna have to find a you're gonna have to bring out a lot of snacks oh yeah i have a recurring nightmare that is it's my

only at the moment current recurring nightmare and it's that there's a kind of government sanctioned hunger games scenario where there's like an island in northern ontario where we know canada government yeah canada we know that the government has said we're gonna release the texas chainsaw massacre killer onto the island but you have like a five-hour head start and you can hide anywhere and if he finds you he kills you and the government sanctions this and so everyone's like trying to find the best hiding spot and i always know in the dream that the best place to hide is like the most obvious or something or it's like literally standing behind the door and so maybe i would just stay wait you're saying that's a fact that that is the best place no that's just what my subconscious that's in your

dream oh i was like that's so interesting. This clearly means something, right? Yeah. Well, I feel like it's probably inspired by all those things you do, the escape rooms, right? Maybe. May, what are you trying to escape? What am I hiding from?

Yeah. Yeah, what are you hiding from? Also, I always want to go into the water right up to my eyes, because it's an island and a lake. So I'm always saying to the government organizers, I always want to go into the water right up to my eyes. Like it's because it's an island and a lake. So I'm always saying to the government organizers, well, can I go in the water like right up to my eyeballs? And then they're like, no, it's off limits.

Wow, I don't remember a single dream of mine. Ever. And yours seemed very specific. It happened. It's just only because it's recurring. Yeah. I think I would try to get to Northern Ontario. If I was on the run, I would probably, my friend has a cottage and it has no cell service

and it's like really rough and it's up in the woods. And she named it, I don't know why, but she named the cottage Nanny Garbage. So it sort of has the vibe of an old woman and it's a pile of garbage. So it's called Nanny Garbage. Nanny Garbage. So I'd go to Nanny Garbage and I'd hide out. Wow. All right.

It'd be really hard to like go into town and buy supplies and stuff. I guess that's where the disguise part of the question. Would you change your look? Yeah. Would you grow your hair out or something like that? It's kind of an iconic look. I don't know. I don't know if I could.

Yeah, we were on the run, so you can no longer be doing stand-up and being an icon. I might shave it off, actually. Rather than grow it long, I'd shave it off and I'd go Jason Statham. Who is Jason Statham? Oh, I forgot, Tig, that you don't know any actors.

He's like an action hero. Oh, okay. I know take that you don't know any actors. He's like an action hero. Oh, okay. I know how much you love action. I'm an action star. I know. We saw that picture of you with a cigar in your mouth. Don't ever forget it. It broke the internet.

Now, is Jason Statham, is that an actor or a character? It's an actor. He's an actor. Yeah, who looks kind of like, you know, the way Bruce Willis had like a shaved head in Die Hard. So he's got like a bald shaved head and he's an actor yeah who looks kind of like you know the way bruce willis had like a shaved head and die hard so he's got like a bald shaved head and he's he's british and he talks a bit like brett goldstein and he's like yeah okay so you'd say i'm gonna i'm gonna kill you yeah yeah and then make no mistake you're dead yeah he's's like the silent but deadly type. Yeah. So you'd shave your head and then run up to Northern Ontario

and stay at Nanny Garbage? I'd go to Nanny Garbage. Northern Ontario is beautiful, right? A lot of lakes and stuff. Stunning, yeah. And I'd probably start working out like crazy and like sort of jailhouse workout style on my own. Just like push-ups.

Push-ups, yeah. Shave my head. I'd get really into it. Cartwheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd probably do a ton of cartwheels. Yeah, cartwheels and somersaults every day. Oh my God, Mae, you brutus.

Marshmallows. Just eating marshmallows and doing cartwheels all through Northern Ontario. No one's going to find you. Yeah. I'd hunt squirrels.

I'm like, where can I go that has good food? Yeah. So where would you go? Well, you just did an amazing British accent,

Fortune, so you could maybe go to England and be like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. Well, then you're going to

get in trouble right away because they're going to call cops and be like fortune feimsters using a weird accent and threatening to kill everyone well I was thinking I would go to Thailand oh that sounds fun I love I love Thailand it's one of my favorite countries I've ever been to I could eat pad thai every day yeah me too and and the good thing is so fortunate is you would not stick out at all in thailand ordering pad thai they're like oh my god the american is back ordering fortune fortune feimster's back ordering fat tie again. They're like, they won't recognize me because of this wig.

I'm taller and bigger than everyone. Well, the disguise would be difficult for me. I have a very distinct look. And I went to Disneyland a couple months ago, and everyone was like saying hi to me the whole day. And my friend was like, would you put on a hat? I go, it won't make a difference. And I put on a hat. And it did not make a difference.

I just have a very specific look. If you're listening now and you don't know what fortune looks like, spend a moment Googling and then put a hat on her put a hat on me yeah put a hat on her in your in your imagination and see if if she blends in to the thai population i've had hats sunglasses masks we were like what's up fortune i'm like what i know same i always feel like i'm the most generic looking lesbian alive and I'll have again sunglasses mask maybe even a hat on and people are like oh my god Tig hi I'm like what is happening yeah what is happening I'm not even in Thailand we'd have a hard time blending in

yeah especially in Thailand I love the idea of you placing your order at the Thai restaurant. And when you call, they're just like, hey, hey, Fortune, what can we get you? And I'm like, you guys will never turn me in, right? Right. Right. I would become friends with everyone and they would protect me. You guys like me, right? We're good, right?

We're good, right? We're good, right? And I've been to the jungles in Thailand where it's like very remote and I've helped for a day take care of elephants just for one afternoon. And I'm sorry, jungles? More than one jungle you've been to? There's multiple jungles.

And you've been to more than one jungle? Been to two. You help take care of elephants. Yeah. By petting them or giving them peanuts or what we do. You wash them, feed them. Because they pass. In Thailand,

some people have like, there's an elephant in the family, right? The grandfather or something owns an elephant. Of course. And he dies. He leaves it to his family. And they're like, what do we do? I guess we got to call fortune.

What are we going to do? So there's this elephant reserve in Thailand who helps teach locals how to care for their elephant. Whoa. In a way that's like they're safe and protected. They're being well taken care of. They're also expensive to take care of. So they have a thing where a small group of people can go into that village or that jungle and pay to help for the day like take care of the elephant walk with the elephant wash them feed them and it helps them the money goes towards that family caring for their elephant you know

they're trying to get elephant people not to ride elephants yeah they're just trying to like get people to care for their elephants better and they're providing a way for them to be able to financially do that as well i love the image of you you're on the run but you keep doing like sort of really public touristy activities like humanitarian yeah you're washing this elephant you're just whispering in the elephant's ear we're good right we're good right we're good right you're not gonna rat on me right you're like i don't know what fortune did that was against the law but she's really kind with these elephants yeah she's really a gentle elephant washer yeah so that would be my plan until clearly I'm going to get discovered pretty soon. So I don't think I would be in Thailand very long. You'd have a hat on and you would be scrubbing elephants.

Eating pad thai. Where did fortune go? But you'd get caught because I think you'd reach out to Jax. Like you couldn't. I think you guys both would reach out to your, and that's where you go wrong. As soon as you- Her phone was tapped.

Yeah, yeah. Because you got to cut off all contact. By us. We are tapping it because we still need audio from you to keep doing the podcast. That's true. Yeah.

We're tapping Jax's phone and we're just editing those conversations. Elephant. Hi. Hi. Yeah, and Thailand's got beaches as well, so I could really enjoy myself there when I'm not taking care of elephants. I feel like you're just thinking about your perfect holiday

and you're not thinking much about the actual hiding from the law. The danger. Yeah, what are you going to wear when you're hanging out on the beach? My lesbian swimsuit what is that triple xl t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of sweatpants i love that soaked like a rat i don't know it's pretty great i'm either gonna go there for vacation or in hiding we'll find out how my life unfolds okay and tig yeah what's your yeah tig did you did you decide something besides behind the garage behind a cardboard box behind the garage oh your pup is so tired. He's handsome, y'all.

Very handsome. He got jealous about me talking about elephants. I just had a vision of if you're sleeping with someone and their dirty talk was, your pup is so tired. That is my usual dirty talk. Leave it to may may's internet went out because all the dirty talk may was doing it blew the internet

um yeah i i guess you know if i had to run and and hide from uh somebody in my neighborhood i'd shimmy down that little area between the it was so fun to find that little area too because we walk past it all the time when we go to get coffee and i had never seen it for seven years and then i glanced and saw this little area and i just thought well that's a fun little place to it's fun um and i thought i'd point it out to stephanie in case she needed to hide in the neighborhood but um i think if i were to be be hiding i would grow my hair long yeah okay i would get a permanent wave okay i would wear pigtails oh my god i've never needed to see something so badly i really want to see you in pigtails okay pigtails i would dye my hair what would i dye my hair probably a natural blonde you know

yeah and then i would also just gorge and i would try and triple or quadruple in size wow yeah wow and would you just stay in LA? I'd just stay home. Yeah. So you'd be answering, you're that confident that you're going to answer the door? I wouldn't even leave the house. I'd just be like,

no, hiding under the bed in that disguise. They're like, this can't be Tig. This person's a fatty fat fat. Hey,

don't talk about me like that. You said you were going to pack on the pounds. Yeah, but you don't have to call me fatty fat fat hey don't talk about me like that you said you were gonna pack on the pounds yeah but you don't have to call me fatty fat fat i'm sensitive let's see i would go and i would i would go to i'd probably go out in the desert or something like joshua tree it's kind of exposed like I'm picturing you just standing in an empty desert and you can see you for miles. Yeah, but I'd be behind a cactus or something. Okay, yeah, yeah. You would have a house there.

Yeah, I'd buy a house. In someone else's name. In my name. In a trust. I'm no fool. Maybe I shouldn't go to the desert. I'd be in the city. More people.

Yeah. But I'd have to be in a city like Louisville or something. So my pigtails made sense. Because in LA, they'd be like, you are so out of style. You are not in with the times. Did you not get the memo about pigtails? So I'd have pigtails on, I'd quadruple in size, and then I'd wear like a real homely type dress

that maybe a Mormon person would wear or something. Okay. Or I'd dress like Little House on the Prairie times, you know, little lace-up boots, long sleeve. So far, I feel like fortune's having the best time in hiding. I'm having so much fun in Thailand. I'm having a blast. In your pigtails.

In my bonnet in Louisville. I'm having a great time. I'm in isolation eating squirrels and bare-knuckle boxing. You're like doing prison workouts. I'm eating pad thai, chilling on the beach, watching elephants, getting massaged. And I'm like at bars trying to meet a man. Yeah. You know.

Do you remember Pippi Longstocking? Of course. I never forgot about her me neither and when i was growing up i loved her and my mom had red hair and so she would claim she was like i am pippi longstocking and they wrote that about me when i was a kid and then i changed my name and i kind of went into hiding and i i would get irate because i loved pippi longstocking i was like you're not her not her. And she was like, I am her. Like I, when I was a kid, that was me. The stories are of my adventures. And now I grew up and I'm not Pippi Longstocking anymore. But it would make me so mad. Wow. I know. And so what age did you move beyond your Pippi Longstocking's love. Yeah. When did you and your mother work this out? It's still an ongoing dispute.

No, I think probably around eight or nine, I just got over Pippi. But I do remember that I was playing with Karen Trakus in grade one and we were hiding under a table playing some make-believe game. And I kissed her hand. I was like pretending to be classic me classic yeah yeah it was pretty smooth and she was pretending to be pippi longstocking and i

was someone else and and then someone saw us saw me kiss her hand and it was my first experience with like they ran to the teacher and were like may kiss karen and it became this like mob and then my teacher was awesome about it and was like you guys are lame for telling me that like who cares leave them alone and that was mrs reiki and she was great and we're still in touch oh wow okay i love when anytime may goes down memory lane you use people's first and last name full names yeah yeah calling people out yeah yeah and it is your friend that you smooched the hand of cool with being called out on the handsome pod for an under the table makeout i just kissed her hand kiss and it was all driven by me i consider that a makeout i

i don't know if you heard me but i live in in Louisville and wear a bonnet and have pigtails. Apparently you've turned straight. Yeah. Yeah. And really conservative. Yes. Suddenly you're fighting against gay rights. Absolutely.

You think babies come from storks? We're like, wait a second. We're like, we know you're in hiding, but you don't have to actively campaign against gay people take your bonnet off i'm not in touch with karen actually but i should i should look her up yeah we'll look her up too yeah let's call her yeah karen that should be a segment on this show is that May has to call all the people from their past that. Yeah. That you've smooched.

Or just that you that you mentioned. And then we just try and dig them up. You know, Thomas can be Googling them simultaneously, seeing if there's a number. Like that one guy from your special. Yeah. We're like, we can't find Karen tracus but we found this mute woman that looks like somebody ian peach yeah yep we're gonna look up ian peach suzy cassaba get ready everybody yeah well should we hear what stephanie's um what stephanie would do yeah yeah i'm really

curious yeah hopefully stephanie's not also straight now in Louisville. What if Stephanie was in Louisville straight? That feels like one of those names that you call yourself when you ride into Deer Abbey straight in Louisville. If I were running from the law, I would be in the Caribbean on a beach in all linen in a hat. And I would be walking on the beach with a fruity drink. Yeah.

Stephanie's doing what I'm doing. Okay. We're just vacationing. So she just has like a big floppy straw hat on sun hat on enjoying herself and linens i think in in this scenario also you you guys are loaded like you got tons i guess you robbed a bank or something yeah you got a bunch of loot i guess so but tig's not getting to enjoy it no i, I'm in a bonnet in Louisville. I don't know if you remember the end. Trying to find a man.

I don't know. Do you remember the end of Silence of the Lambs where he's on the beach in white and he's like, hello, Clarice. I feel like that's Stephanie in her fantasy. She's on the beach like, I got away with it. All in white linens. Now, would this surprise you?

No. I never saw Silence of the lambs oh my word oh my word listen when i say i'm under a rock i i uh i mean it with all my heart hello hello clarice did you know what they were referring to nobody said that to me and if they did i probably didn't catch it because i probably just thought that's weird my name's not clarice you would be funny in improv because you wouldn't get the references to anything anyone was making anything that's me just out in the world i'm like who what it's kind of cool because you just think everybody's super creative like someone's like let's toss the ring into Mordor you're like cool you're making up this whole yeah happy to do it happy to do it are there a lot of classic movies you've never seen fortune it's astounding and and then also the conversations i get into with people where they're like oh no

no you know who it was like if you saw a picture of her you know who it was and i'm sitting there going you don't know who you're talking to and then they'll show me and i'm like yeah i have no idea who this is that is so funny but i of course you know i work in this business i meet people i work with people i have have, you know, I socialize with people, but it doesn't necessarily mean I've seen their number one worldwide sitcom or, or movie. That's why everyone's friends with you.

Cause you're just like, I don't know who you are. We're just, uh, yeah, we can hang out. Sure. Tell me your name again.

I'm no better than you. We're just two equals. Your house is five times bigger, but Tom Hanks is like, okay. I do know Tom Hanks. Look, I'm not going to start name dropping now, but I do. I am astounded

by, you're like, oh yeah, I'll name someone every now and then for whatever reason. And Tig's like, oh yeah, I'll name someone every now and then for whatever reason. And Tig's like, yeah, we had dinner with them a couple weeks ago. That's wild. Yeah. Can you ask George Clooney why he was pranking me on Canada Day?

George and I have not met. I have seen him at a party and I did see him walking down the street. That's pretty great. Okay. Are you sure it was him and not someone in disguise? I knew for sure because he was carrying a whoopee cushion. Well, that's him right there. But he did those crazy pranks where someone's uncomfortable.

Pranks that mess with your life? Yeah, that mess with you. I'm not a big prank gal. I feel like Mae's a little bit more into pranks that mess with your life yeah that mess with you i don't like i'm not a big prank gal i feel like may's a little bit more into pranks i like a prank i like a prank you like a prank too i love a prank because you were the one that was saying something about the going to dinner and someone tying shoelaces yeah i was in my childhood art class i went under the table and tied everyone right i we had we were doing some craft with yarn and i went under the round table that i was sitting at took a long piece of yarn and tied everyone's shoelaces i looped it through everyone's shoelaces right and then tied it it's

so good see i'm not into that well i would be like uh tig god but that would make me so happy that's what i'm looking for is a tig like when i would i would go to camp or something people would play pranks and i was like really guys guys I just want to have a nice chat. You didn't say, y'all. Y'all. I don't care for this. Because I'm a little puss. I didn't like getting like, you know, the pranks where like water's dumped on your head.

Yeah. You're like getting your sleeping bag and there's like sand. I'd be like, guys. Now I have to clean this up. Yall i'm wet i'm sticky i would try not to do hacky pranks i try to do you know creative ones you know i'm not gonna i'm not gonna put toothpaste on the toilet seat okay that's good i can i can appreciate a clever prank but not as much the one that involves getting dirty, wet, or sticky. I also like a prank that it takes a while to play out, and then you see the end result.

Yeah, like chess. Yeah, I like that a lot. My friend in university started a rumor that another guy at university made his own bombay mix at home do you know what bombay mix is it's like a spiced indian baked salty snack it's like okay it's like like um checks or what or what something maybe you'd eat behind a garage yeah exactly maybe you would shimmy down there but it was just like such a specific and and weird lie to make up oh he makes it yeah he actually makes his own bombay mix at home he like he bakes it and does the spice blend and he just wanted to see how long it would take for that to get back to the guy like oh i heard you make your own bombay mix

no anyway but it just took it took months and everyone just believed it was true and then when it finally got back to the guy and he was like what it was it was great nope wasn't me yeah got him how fulfilling well um thank you to stephanie allen for uh sending in her audio clip question yeah thanks stephanie it was real good i know if if you see a woman in linen and a big hat on the beach, immediately, citizen's arrest. Murderer. Or if you see a woman in Louisville.

With blonde pigtails. With a bonnet on. And if you see me in Thailand, pull up a chair and have some pad thai with me. And you just won't see me because I'll be deep in the woods, in solitudeitude atoning. At Gross Nanny? At Nanny Garbage. Nanny Garbage.

Oh, okay. Gross Nanny is the neighbor's house. Gross Nanny. That's a chain. It's a company that you can call to watch your children. Should we get a Gross Nanny for the kids? Well, you know that company called Molly Maid? Yes.

That cleans houses? Now there's gross nanny. It's just an old woman cleaning your house? No, she doesn't clean. Oh. She's disgusting. She makes a big mess. The one thing she guarantees, though,

is that your child will be there and alive when you get home. But the place is a disaster. The kids kids fingernails are filthy but uh you called her gross nanny gross nanny all righty well that was another fun episode of the handsome pod i feel like i get to know you guys more and more every week did i like it same yeah i like it too before we go does anyone have anything handsome they'd like to promote yeah i'm actually on tour starting in mid-september i'm coming to san antonio texas new orleans portland oregon spokane boise minneapolis sioux falls south dakota oakland california evansville

indiana dayton ohio and charleston, West Virginia with lots more dates also on my website at fortunefeimster.com my big thing this week is I'm a Dynasty typewriter I'm doing four shows in a row on August 30th 31st, September 1st and September 2nd it's called

May Martin Summer of Improv and it's special guests it's surprise celebrity guests and we're all doing. And it's special guests. It's surprise celebrity guests. And we're all doing improv and it's going to be really insanely fun. What about you, Tig? Well, I will be in Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th, Rochester, New York, September 16th, Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th, Colorado Springs, September 25th, Breckenridge, September 28th, Boulder, Colorado, September 29th. And then I am off to Europe in October, and you can get all of my tour information at tignotaro.com. And then I'll be back in the States in La Crosse,

Wisconsin, October 28th, and then Brooklyn, New York, November 4th for my next comedy special taping at King's Theater. Also, if you're enjoying Handsome, tell a friend, tell two friends, tell three friends, tell your family. Send them a link to this episode right now and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps us make the show even better. And lastly, but not leastly, I have a Don't Ask Tig live streaming show coming up with Fortune and May on September 12th. Tickets can be purchased at donastig.org. So get a group of your most handsome friends together and don't miss out. And until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.