Handsome - Stephen Colbert asks about woo-woo beliefs

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Stephen Colbert asks Handsome about their woo-woo beliefs, plus the Handsome hosts are TOGETHER in-person for the first-ever time! Will they stay a pineapple apart? Plus MAE FACTS galore, theme song singing, whiskey drinking, and more!Handsome is now on Youtube! Watch full episodes: youtube.com/@handsomepodHandsome Live Streaming Show Dec 18! Tickets: dynastytypewriter.comHandsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comEmail the show: [e-mail]🌏 Get Exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ https://nordvpn.com/HANDSOMEVPN It’s risk-free with Nord’s 30-day money-back guarantee! ✌See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, handsome listeners, if you're listening to this episode on December 12th, the day it comes out, today is the last day to order handsome merch and have it arrive before Christmas. So go to handsomepod.com now and get those orders in while you still can. And you know we want to see in that handsome merch. So when you get it, put it on, send us a picture, upload it on social media, because we can't wait to see you looking handsome. HandsomePod. Chatting with friends on the HandsomePod.

Chatting with friends on the HandsomePod. Cheers. Welcome to the HandsomePod. Thanks for having us. Thanks for taking the reins there, Fortune. Listen, I was very excited to hear the song We don't normally get to bop to it No, we don't

It's a pretty catchy tune Well, Fortune, we're your co-hosts Oh, that's right, I'm Fortune Feimster Oh, right, I'm Tig Notaro Who are you? Well, I'm Mae Martin You sure are Y'all, we are sitting together in a room a very cool room in suits i've gone i've

kind of cash here with the tea and um you can see my very pale ankle if you're looking closely what does that say this says uh basement basement yeah i was classic may tattoo it was to remind me never to live in a basement apartment again. Oh, well. Yeah. That's a good reminder. I know, as if I'd forget otherwise. Yeah.

And I'd be like, oh, damn it. Have you ever been almost about to rent one? About to sign the lease. Oh, hold on. Yeah. And then have a look-see? No. I mean, yeah, I don't know.

You know, it's sort of on the basement of my body around the ankle that's the no i get it well because the basement apartment doesn't get a lot of light yes it's very is it depressing oh i mean i i lived in one of my teens where i i blocked off all the vents so i could smoke weed so it was dank and and there were no windows and then i painted on the walls like like caterpillars smoking bongs and stuff. Were you high while you were painting? I'm sure, yeah. When were you not?

I know. And then the landlords, I think I just did a runner basically. I just packed up my stuff and left. And these poor landlords would have gone in and been like, what is this? Alice in Wonderland in there. Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Venkataramanji, if you're listening. Thank you. I don't know how you remember all these people's names of course let me tell you what one of my landlord's names was what mr furley mr furley did you watch um three's company three's company is that kind of like three's company no do. Yeah. And that was the landlord's name.

Honestly, I didn't know that was the answer. I guess. Okay. That's where our age differences come in. I'm like, guys, my landlord's name was Mr.

Furley. Everybody's like, interesting. Yeah. My Rolodex. And I was like, what are some apartments? What shows had apartments?

It's basically like if i said i met a bird named big bird yeah and you both just i'd have more questions about that first of all i'd be like i don't remember any landlord's name really yeah this is one of those things again where one of us knows i was like everybody People are like screaming at the radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you not know this? Yeah. When you just said radio, I pictured an old radio. Well, however you're listening, your computer, your car. If you're getting us on an AM radio.

Moving the antennas. You remember when that astronaut, Tim something, did a video of him playing Space Oddity in space? And I would love him tim tim the astronaut yeah i swear that's his name do you remember tim the astronaut you don't he's canadian that's why i know oh yeah we're out on this one yeah yeah go ahead tim hadfield maybe oh no i don't i want a video of tim hadfield in space. Actually, he looks a lot like Thomas. Mustache.

Handsome. Him listening to the handsome pod in space would be great. That would be really great. I was just on the road for two weeks. How was it? A ton of people coming up to me about the podcast. That's nice. It's always cool.

It's really fun. Yeah. Well, my assistant, Kaylin, is here, and Kaylin's mom has been listening to the podcast. Yes! Kaylin's mom has been listening to the podcast yes Kaylin's mom is your mom hot probably hot mom hot mom alert

does she think we're handsome that's so cool I love it when a hot mom likes us it's the highest of praise a pretty little lady mom a pretty little lady mom yeah pretty little lady mom yeah yeah yeah and people were passionate about it i because i would say at my show i do a little thing like if

you're into merch it's in the lobby i do a couple announcements right uh before i end the show and i said and check out uh if you like podcasts check out Handsome And the whole crowd's like Really? That's awesome I want to do it Do it You gotta do it Why aren't you doing it? People told me for our live stream show that we're doing They've already got

Handsome parties planned No way, handsome parties with pineapples Yeah like what we have going on right here we have a little bit of whiskey oh may could you hand me that this oh yeah yeah absolutely can you tell people what you're handing tig oh i'm getting way too close sorry you're so right my knee was straying into the pineapple territory uh hand of pineapple over. That's right. And now you guys are a pineapple apart. As we should be. As the Lord intended. As we always should be.

As the Lord intended. We're recording in my office and I forgot that I had a pineapple ice container. An ice bucket. Ice bucket. You could put ice in there. Well it's an ice bucket as we just said. I know I'm just putting two and two together. Wait a second. you could put ice in there well it's an ice bucket as we just said

i know i'm just putting two and two together wait a second you can put ice in there and you can put ice in it you can even put a pineapple in that yeah well we had a lot of people keep saying to us after we've been posting clips on our socials how can we see you handsomes more of this yeah and this is our answer this is our answer yeah i'm here in an ill-fitting suit i'm here i'm worried don't talk about my friend like that you look handsome you look handsome as hell i'm sitting up straight because if i lean back on the couch that may and tigger on um all the buttons pop so even more handsome i just look like i have great posture and you do thank you how was y'all's last couple weeks oh that really felt like a loaded sigh but actually fine actually diarrhea's back oh the diarrhea's never went away no yeah i've been i've been pretty good i'm in the

writer's room um and uh it's it's weird writing stuff knowing that you're going to have to act it. Like I kind of wish that I was, I didn't have that. Every time something's pitched, I'm like, yeah, yeah. So then the character does that, right? Okay, yeah. Do you have to like get naked?

There's some nudity and also I'm like maybe, yeah, maybe the character could just be chilling. The character, how often is this character nude? a whole lot okay but it's gonna be interesting the character has a very actually i can't i don't want to say excited for it yeah does the character ever have diarrhea you know i have to write that in it needs to be a major plot point it's also it's it's a thriller, like a scary, so it has to be like real bad.

Yeah. Oh, so you're going to be like on the edge of your seat while you're acting. Toilet seat. I can't act fear, the edge of my toilet seat. Oh no. Do you find it hard to act fear? I just find it's like, you're kind of like. Breathing, right?

Yeah. It's like, it's not a calming thing, right? Yeah. So you're like a like breathing right yeah yeah it's like it's not a calming thing right yeah it's really a little bit stress yeah really and at the end of the day you're like hot like if and if you know a jump scare is coming it's really hard to be like the nerdy propeller may pop out the propeller grows out of my head and starts spinning but I haven't done a lot of thrillers I feel like I'd be good at

being the person scaring people oh being the killer? yeah you're the killer? trash person in a tank in denim shorts You're the killer? Trash person. A trash person? In a tank. And denim shorts.

It's like, you know. I'd let you in. Yeah, just like, I'm on a, have a piece of land. Right. With a little trailer on it. The story just writes itself. It's dirty. It's dirty.

Probably not great with hygiene. Yeah. A couple of teens. Yeah. I definitely have denim shorts on. No shoes. Too short for what I should be wearing. No shoes.

Definitely a white tank that's dirty. Yeah. But people, I'm minding my own business because I know I have a problem. And then no one's leaving. But someone comes up upon my land. Yeah, please write this down. It's a good pitch. And I go, what are you doing here?

You're on my land. I have like a thicker Southern accent. Yeah. And people are like, ooh, she's spooky. I like that you're like, she's dirty. She's dirty. She needs like a shower. There's a stench coming from the trailer you don't know if

it's from my trash keep writing i'm writing it or if i've got bodies under my trailer right or have i not even your trailer is it my trailer have i emptied the septic or not septic you know the thing yeah toilet we don't know okay and uh and then at some point i'm going to have to murder someone the end i'll see you at the oscars thank you okay yeah i really like the idea someone in the head with a pineapple yeah whatever it takes they're on my land so you're kind of the hero i like that you're like homicidal however it depends on what you're looking for an hero that is not my that's not your take some dirty trash person trying to club me in the head with a pineapple you're a hero it's like oh no but i like that

you're like i'm homicidal yeah but yeah I know I have a problem I have a problem yeah I'm on my land okay uh the title of the movie is I have a problem yeah yeah yeah there was a sign that said no trespassing guess who did and the person that died you know one of my favorite signs to see is a sign that on an abandoned building or something that says keep out yeah yeah because it feels like and this is a total bit of course it sounds like i'm setting up a joke but it really like when i'm on a walk i look over and a sign says keep out yeah i feel like i'm being reprimanded for something i'm already doing yeah and they're like you know how you're not in here?

Keep doing that. Keep being out of here. Yeah. You know, and I'm just like. And you don't like that feeling. No, because I'm being yelled at for just doing the right thing. I'm already out. I'm not in there.

Well, it makes me wonder what is in there because I wasn't interested in going in there. Yes, she was coming in. That whole dirty woman with a problem. Now I want to know what's in there. You know? Yeah, I know. Because before, it's just a building. Did you think about what was in there?

Not until the sun went up. No, yeah. Now you're going, why do they not want us in there? Yeah, who's they? Who put the sun in there? What's in there? They, them wants us out yeah yeah out of the three of us of like if this turned into a horror movie slasher like i you'd be the

one i least expect wait this podcast yeah if it turned into a slasher yeah yeah this is a slasher we write a horror film every week one of us is trying to kill the other two yeah yeah and there's one survivor keep it handsome white blood off her face panting haunting haunting haunting very good and then we turn into a ghost and we go yeah ghost yeah oh i forgot about yeah we have a lot of sayings we do we can't keep up there's only so many stickers we can make could you guys see me doing the turn into homicidal like where i always wanted to play the turn where it's like i could see you doing the tour where i'm like guys we got to get out of here uh because you know because of the car and then you go wait

how'd you know about the car and yeah yeah, yeah, write this down, write this down. This is good. Guys, we got to get out of here. You would be good at the turn. Yeah, I want to do the turn. Maybe like the heartthrob that were like very doughy-eyed, like propeller hat on. Just want everybody to get along.

And then I turn evil. Yeah, then you're like, you're the one that everyone doesn't expect. I would love that. And what are you, just a dirty person? I'm probably at the party eating cheese. In your cut off shorts? Yeah. In this movie I'm not the killer.

No you're the same person in every character. You're just a filthy mess. I'm over by the snacks which is how I live my life anyway. Any party I go to I go into the house straight to the snack table, sit down down because it's impossible to get crackers at home i didn't there's so much better other people's houses when you came to

my party not to always reference the one party no i enjoyed your party but you there were this is i didn't have any snacks and you were protecting jack's elbow so you guys just put backs to the wall what a party in the whole going to say what a partner. Thank you. No. No crackers protecting your wife's elbow? This was when Mae was single. So it was kind of reminiscent of like a more like a drinking party.

Sure. It was a little high school party vibe. Yeah. It got a little out of hand. A couple people brought some chips and threw them on a table. And there was just a bunch of liquor bottles oh not loose chips no i thought that's what i meant too people grabbed a handful of chips and just scattered them no people were just throwing like the bags like they opened it up threw it on the table they're like ah there's chips like there wasn't a lot of hosting jack said broken her elbow yeah and the party got very

boisterous boisterous and she didn't break her elbow at the party no right she had broken her elbow and the party got very boisterous. She didn't break her elbow at the party. No. She had broken it just like two weeks before. So she was about to have surgery and your party was very popular. Because Mae's very popular. Thank you. You're welcome.

It's true though. And so I was doing, I was defending her space. because you know people bump into each other yeah trying to get at her so i wasn't as social as i could have been because i was being the bouncer to jackson elbow i might have a new year's party what are you guys doing i will be in florida doing shows but i'm gonna be out of town all right cool that always takes me by surprise it does it's it works it does work yeah yeah yeah we've been talking about it on the podcast i've been treading water lately just a a few minutes

out of my day that i take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the show, Hacks, and it is back, baby, for season three.

That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up. And I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series.

So check out that podcast. to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. I think I'm gonna have a New Year's party, but now as you're talking, I'm like, I gotta grow up.

I gotta have the cheese plate. I gotta have some snacks. Now you're in a relationship. Yeah. Now is the charcuterie board. Well, the previous party was more like, who's gonna kiss at the end of this yeah how many people will kiss at this simultaneously yeah who's gonna kiss i didn't make it to that part i was out of town you were out of town stephanie was there stephanie was there yeah a couple of funny things happened

apparently someone threw up in my sink and then a friend went up to them and said hey why don't i get you to the bathroom yeah and they went don't tell me what to do oh i don't know who this person was my apology was that you no i didn't drink that night i was being a good girl yeah you're protecting yeah elbows i love that they were like don't tell me what i know and the other funny thing that happened was my friend joe who actually we've just discovered matt who's filming this knows from a very small town in england joe was visiting and um he was like oh gosh i've got to kiss an american girl he's british he doesn't say gosh but he's like oh i'd love to have a little kiss with a little kiss yeah a little snog did he get one oh yeah i felt like that's important to get some switches i think he kissed a couple people

but wow there was this one woman there who had a different night how's your elbow how's your elbow does anyone come near the elbow excuse me that's my wife's elbow can someone throw a chip in my mouth um yeah this woman took him i look over and she just grabbed him i don't think they'd spoken really grabbed him took him into a bedroom and then started kissing him and then apparently she stops kissing him and then looks him in the eye and goes you're gonna fall in love with me you're gonna is so yeah and she goes you're going to fall in love with me. That is so LA. Yeah. And she goes, you're going to be obsessed with me.

You're going to want to move here from England. And he was like, really? He's like, get me out of here. That's an LA thing. I'm booking my ticket on my phone. You're going to be obsessed with me. It's a pretty great attitude to have in life. I hope you're ready to get a green card because it's coming.

Wow. I know. Do you know this person? No, I don't know who that was. Did you know anyone at your party? I knew a handful of people, yeah. You missed it, Tig. I wonder where I was, what I was doing.

You might have been on the road. I think you were on the road. For sure. I wasn't just like, no, I'm not going to. Not going to that party. There's too much random kissing happening for me that is a bit much for me i'm not like a random kisser person yeah i bet people walked into to your house being like this is the party to kiss someone i think that at that particular party there had there was a an expectation a reputation going in but i think you know it's in these short

eight months i've really changed my ways i mean you yeah you really did a 180 and it's no problem i'm really happy you're great it's the easiest thing i've ever done it's been eight months it's been eight months oh i didn't realize that yeah yeah okay wow well anyway and all's good all's good in the hood all right i love it that's good so you're not missing those single party days no because you know then everyone no you know no i'm still like it was everybody would leave and then there'd be just like garbage around

and you know and then alone and I'm well you have to pick up those chips all over the table I guess Mae was rarely alone there's like six people in my bed no I'm discovering the joy of real intimacy you know that's great yeah it's great it's a different world it's a different world all together

but very I think very hot it is hot it is so hot it's so hot I'm gonna go say that to Jax our relationship's hot show me your elbow nine years together

it's so hot she's like okay can you turn the TV channel? Have you ever... Have what? I was going to say like broken your elbow, but... Oh, good question. No, but I have broken some other bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Broke my toes, my femur. Your ribs got broken from Allison Janney. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Allison Janney. Yeah, yeah. If you're going to break a bone, you want a celebrity to do it. She's amazing.

I would love. She could break every bone in my body. She's a tall drink of water. She's a tall drink of water. She picked you up on the way to your show, right? We were on a party bus, as you do. And she came up behind me she's i think six feet picks me up like the heimlich maneuver yeah and there's actual

footage of my bones breaking oh you see me you see me going oh my god oh my god and then you had to go perform and then i performed with broken bones but anyway what about yours well i was just thinking about how i would probably let alice and jenny do break a bone but then i you know i have this game well you know jennifer aniston but i have a game that i play which is like how uh what would you do with like oh would you let jennifer aniston peer pressure you into doing basically because it's interesting to hear where people's lines are. Because I'm like, if you do whatever Jennifer Aniston. I would do whatever.

Like anything. Anything. Like if Jennifer Aniston's like, hey, you want to get in this scenario? She's being real friendly and warm. She's calling you sweetie. You're getting along. Honey. She's like, honey.

And then she's like, do you want to get tattoos like on our necks? Like, of course. But this is probably why she's friends with you because you would say absolutely not yeah i would say hard pass i'm gonna get a tattoo what else would she ask do you have a tattoo no i don't either but would you get one with jennifer similar and you know i notice every episode two of us are always on the same page and and then there's an odd one out. Is there something that we're all on the same page about? No. No.

No. We're all, we all find Jennifer Aniston attractive. Which is magnetic. Well, wait, did you, is that where the Jennifer Aniston thing came, like, do you have a crush on her? Are you attracted to her? She's gorgeous. It's deeper than that.

It's like. She's handsome and gorgeous. She's a pretty little lady. Yeah, it's like, it's more like I, I just want her to like me. Like, I, it's, it's deeper than just attraction. It's like, she's a pretty little lady yeah it's like it's more like i i just want her to like me like i it's it's deeper than just attraction it's like she's so magnetic i would say you want her to be your pretty little lady friend oh friend i was gonna say hero but then i got a flash of you filthy on your land i can be your hero baby

I love that song I love that song What? You do? See we're on the same team And you're alone Yeah Enrique?

I love the music video Enrique Iglesias Okay Yeah You remember the music video? I can be your hero baby I don't think about that song ever I can kiss away the pain

Oh yeah I will stand by you. Thank you. Y'all are very much on the same page. I scared myself when I did that. Yes, we are. This table turned. It's like a lazy Susan in here.

The tables turned so fast. They turned so fast. Well, should we get to our question? I think we should. All right, Tig, what do we got? Wait, we're all on the same page about that. We are. We are now. Thank you, Meg. Wait do we got? Wait, we're all on the same page about that. We are. We are now.

Yes. Thank you, Meg. Wait till you hear who this is from. Yes. Well, our question today is from one of my favorite people. I think he's so, so funny. You know him from, see if you can guess who this is. Okay.

From the Colbert Report. I don't know. Sure. And the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Okay, keep going. Even though I love him so much, that's all I know him from. Strangers with Candy. Oh, Strangers with Candy.

He was on The Daily Show. Daily Show. Oh, right. You know me. Yeah. All right. And we've all been on his show in the last couple months. Yes.

And he has pushed Handsome real hard. Yeah, we appreciate that. He is such a pretty little lady. He's such a pretty little lady. You know, people tell me that he and I look alike. Yeah, I see that. And you're both calm. Yeah.

Stoic. Stoic. Yes. Well, let's hear what his calm, stoic question is. All right. Hello, Handsomes. It's Stephenven colbert here's my question how into self-help mysticism are you do you have your chakras realigned do any of you do crystals do you believe in astral projection the sort of things you would associate with going to sedona how how how woo woo are you how woo woo are you you yeah i'm surprised he didn't do that yeah

i feel like you're very woo woo right thank you I feel like you've gotten more woo woo though right yeah yeah I'm getting really deep into it and my dad was always like we used to have to if we saw the new moon through glass we had to get out of the car and bow to the moon and say good evening lady moon and things like that

that was in childhood in childhood yeah but he still to this day does it and then finally an odd story from your childhood i know someone wrote on our socials we have to have may's parents on because the stories don't seem real but they are they're magic yeah he said lady wait you had to say what to them oh you have to turn a coin over in your hand bow three times and say good evening lady moon. Good evening lady moon. Do you mind doing that whenever you see me?

Oh 100% I will. Good evening lady moon. Also please crescent moon. Oh I'm so sorry I strayed into the pineapple. But then so Stephen mentioned astral projection which I thought he said asshole projection so I'm very happy to know Which I thought he said asshole projection.

So I'm very happy to know it's something different. We all believe in that. And this episode is sponsored by Toshi. Hello, Toshi. So my dad swears that when he was, when my parents had babies, they were living in a small village in Greece. You were one of those babies, by the way. I was not. They had me in Canada. was um they they when my parents had babies they were living in a small village in greece you were one of those babies by the way i was not they had me in canada oh okay but then uh no they had babies in greece and they had they barely had like a roof on the house like they were sort of being hippies and they were fixing up this old place and they just had a baby yeah and uh my dad swears

that he woke up in the night and my brother Joe was floating above his crib and that he was connected by a silver cord to his body and his like astral self was floating. And my dad said it happened two nights in a row and he went and went to try to grab him and he floated back to his crib. And my dad's like, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. I saw it happen. So that is what astral yeah projections is it's like when you can and people try and practice doing i've never heard of that you can send yourself out of your body and you're connected by a silver cord but maybe babies are less tethered to their body i've heard as light as a feather stiff as a board

i love that we did that at that party. And what is that? At my party. Is that a Ouija board thing? No, that's just basic physics. That's just a Girl Scout party. Yeah, that's just everybody's going and lifting someone up. And you can because the person goes really stiff.

All of your energy together. Right. But is it something happening or is it just people are lifting a person it's just people lifting a person but sometimes it feels we should try it later yeah yeah there's just the three of us thomas put that on the list i'll go we're like ow my fingers hurt and do you guys do like even if you're not consciously thinking it do you believe in like manifestation oh yeah positive thinking like law of attraction like i'm visual yeah like i don't

even consciously go like now i'm gonna but i guess if you had a gun to my head i'm a little bit more woo-woo than my wife the one thing we're woo-woo together about is every new year's day we cut out things from a magazine oh yeah and make a vision board yeah we do i know my god what a couple of lesbians i know but my wife is the least woo-woo person you've ever met yeah she when she moved to la because she's from the midwest she's like what is up with all these weirdos and uh i'm like just get used to it like she'd go to a dinner party, and it was just a normal dinner party, and they're like,

we're all going to go around the room, and everyone is going to say one thing. And my wife's like, what's happening? And I don't mind it either, but my wife was like, what? Everyone wants to hug. Everyone wants to share feelings. She's just like, it blows her mind now she's

a little more used to it yeah but at first it was hilarious to see her reaction but yeah we we make vision boards and uh yeah at the end of the year we'll take a look at it did you put anything on there that might have led to this podcast you know i don't know because i haven't looked at the one from last year so i should you look at them you never know yeah maybe you put like the merle bromance like some pineapple or a pineapple on there or what if our faces were on there i think i definitely had um like something like a whiskey drink why is that on your vision board i don't know do you not know how to do a vision i think i i think it was for um

i i got very specific on this last one and i was like i want a brand deal oh oh i see okay oh man you never it i mean well you know there is a whiskey drink that looks just like the one in front of me guys we can't stop drinking this whiskey. We cannot stop sipping this. I'm going to have a sip. Are you? Should I too? I have done. As far as woo-woo.

Hey. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Okay. I was just hamming it up. Can we all? Cheers to the handsome pod. Vision board. hamming it up. Can we all? Um, are we all good? Cheers to

the handsome pod. Vision board. Vision board. Yeah. Here's to all of our vision boards and all of our dreams coming true.

I just cheers my mic. Ooh. We're the most handsome drinkers. We're like, very handsome. It tastes great. Do you know that in, um, Turkey fact yeah so in turkey if you chew gum at night they say that's bad luck because it

will turn into the flesh of the dead what is this wait we have a new prop for Mayfax. Mr. Thomas just came flying in with a red button. Look at the tech, the level of sophistication. So what does it do when you hit it, Mae? It's your voice saying Mayfax? That's my voice? It's Tig and Fortune saying Mayfax. Look at that. And it's a sort of like whimsical whimsical how did we have the budget to

afford because we have no budget we have no budget meaning sky's the limit i don't even know if we get paid you know what we just show up in suits i I have not been paid yet. I hope for the best. I truly, I'm the only one that ever asks about money. And I have not been paid yet, let me say. We haven't been paid for this show. I know. I have not. I assume at some point something will come trickling. Right now we're doing it for the love of it.

For the love of it. This is dangerous because if someone pushes it, I feel pressure to provide a fact, which is kind of a fun. But you just did provide a fact. Okay. Oh, boy. Did you know knocking on wood comes from in churches when they would say that they had a piece of Jesus's cross,

the original crucifix, and the priest would say, come and knock the wood for good luck. And that's where knocking on wood comes from. Come and knock on the wood. Oh, nice comeback. Yeah. What's that? Jimmy Baha, my lord.

Three's Company. It's Three's Company. Three's Company. Oh, is it really? Come and knock on the door. We've been waiting for you. What's the premise of that? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Three's Company. Two gals that have an apartment and a guy moves in. Yeah, but they pretend like he's gay Maybe he lives there to split the rent I think it's you know the housing market Is high But it's from like the 60s The 70s or 80s

Our listeners just wandered off The 80s It's the 80s yeah it feels very Jazzercise Well it's Suzanne Sommers and you know right yeah I was a golden girls gal that was my sitcom of choice golden girls

is three golden girls for four gals four gals one of those Betty Betty White yeah oh you never watched I never watched it sorry oh my heart hurts right now I was watching home improvement well because you're the decade behind me yeah yeah i'm the decade behind too

meanwhile i'm over here watching flipper gentle ben what's gentle ben i don't know Gentle Ben either. What's Gentle Ben? Just a bear. But I sure did love that. Also, Jimmy Walker on... What's that? Dynamite. Well, you know, what can I say? I was...

You said dynamite. It made me think how gunpowder was invented in China. Thank you, Mae. It made me think how uh gunpowder was invented in china thank you may sometimes people on our socials will correct me oh yeah there's been a couple corrections yeah yeah and that's always fun too to read because the last one was about the the art give me a bell oh and they said well you know the it was the telephone wasn't defended by Alexander Graham Bell. So that was probably where that came from. I have never doubted a single thing that has come out. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, yeah. People were saying something about what half is. Oh, and they were really annoyed about the difference between an aardvark and an armadillo. Which I still don't know. I'm choosing not to know. Yeah. You don't need to know. They're your facts and that's it.

But our listeners are more than welcome to tell the truth on our social media. Have you gotten any facts right? I think a lot of them, yeah. I bet you, yeah. Like you're probably like 8 out of 10 are right. They're at least in the arena. You know, there's some truth to them.

It's at least making people Google. It's making people google it's making we gotta get people googling at the end of the day you have to look up facts yeah people grab your phones right now and just start googling google needs your business like your life depends on it but we can't get away from our question oh yeah yeah yeah so manifestation you believe in um i don't think things just appear um i certainly you know i was talking to a friend of mine recently who was saying that she just appreciated how i lived my life and that um she said she felt like some people could think that I was just lucky. But she said, I feel like you, everything's very intentional. And so I have intentions that I set,

I guess, in my life where I think, oh, I would like this to be going on and I take the steps right towards making that be a reality in my life but I don't think that I just loosey-goosey go oh you know it's really interesting is before I got together with Stephanie I did something so did I already talk about this on the show where uh I made a list of what I was looking for? Oh, I don't, I don't think you have talked about that. Okay. Not something I typically would do, but I had reached kind of the end of a line of, man, these relationships are just not working. And I made a list of everything I absolutely needed in a relationship yeah and a list of what I one million percent will not have again yeah and after I fell in love with Stephanie I remembered

I had made these lists and I went and dug them up and I it was an embarrassing moment because I said Stephanie I want to show you something I never never imagined showing to anyone, but that's how much she was the person for me. And I show her these lists and I said, you are everything on all of it. And I said, the one thing that you don't have that I really love in a relationship is she didn't cook. And she was like, I've wanted to learn, though. And she has since become quite the cook at our house. That is amazing. How specific were you on the list?

Were you like, I should look it up. Yeah. I want, I think I was pretty specific. I think that is good. I like that. I think that more people should be specific about what they're looking for

because you know, a lot of people are frustrated with dating and get very much like, why do I keep picking the wrong people? I was in that position. Until I manifested Jax. That's right. Tig and I talked about that dinner we had where I sort of just was like, I can't date these people I'm dating anymore.

I was dating a lot of unavailable people, a lot of that stuff. And you were unavailable. That's the other thing. You had walls up. You had walls. You didn't even know we were there. a lot of that stuff and you were unavailable that's the other thing is it goes both ways yeah but I did do a woo-woo thing right before I met Jax which I had never done before what is it I went to I was so like at the end of my rope with like I can't do what I'm doing anymore I got and like how do I find someone I was really just just like, I was ready to meet someone, which I hadn't fully been ready before.

That's where that unavailability was before. And I finally like gave myself over to like, I'm ready for whatever, but I don't want to make the mistakes I've been making. I went to the place that's very popular in LA, a woo-woo place called House of Intuition. Love House of Intuition. Yeah.

Never heard of it. They have a lot of candles, a lot of crystals. I'm not a crystal person, but I get that they work for, you know, some people swear by them, and I think that's great. Is your dirty character a crystal person? Probably. Crystal meth. Two against one.

Two against one. There was a candle there that said love. I believe it said love. The different candles have whatever, you know, money, success, whatever. Yeah, it adds up. Health. And they have little crystals in the bottom. Yeah, little crystals in the bottom.

But you have to light it and it cannot be unlit for like three days, which can be dicey if you have to leave your house. Yeah. Which it did. So I bought the love candle well that's woo-woo already that you would leave a candle exactly yeah you were already in i was willing to risk the entire house yeah someone so i was biggie got that well he wasn't in the in my life he was alone and sad oh right right okay yeah and so i i got this candle i sort of

i think the same thing i started verbalize what i'm looking for, what I want, what I hope to find. Lit the candle and let it burn for three. You're supposed to let it burn until you get to the end and the crystals are down there. I'm sorry. I know. No, no, no. I'm just laughing at, while you're describing yourself, setting intention lighting your candle i'm immediately split screen thinking what was i doing in that moment that fortune was home lighting her candle

and setting her attention it's just what were you doing i don't know it just makes me laugh to think of like that this was going on yeah yeah of like, what was I doing? I was so committed to this candle that when I had to leave, I got a large pot, put some water at the bottom of it so if there was an earthquake or something, it would just fall over in the pot. Ah, smart. And I let it burn for three days. I met Jax a month later.

Huh. Wow. I'm just saying. I don't know. Coincidence? wow I'm just saying I don't know Coincidence? I don't know Here's my thing I'm glad your house didn't burn down But I think if you were worried about

An earthquake you're gonna need Something bigger than a little pot If it was a little shake Then it would be grateful It works out So do you feel I feel like that candle i was putting energy towards something better right this episode is sponsored by house of intuition whether it was a coincidence i at least was opening myself up to something healthier yeah well that process

yeah yeah yeah was was uh all systems go had any like other crazy coincidences in your life i have them all the time sure i have a lot of deja vu which they say a glitch in the matrix or like you've been there somehow in your mind or something i don't know oh yeah i have a crazy one yeah that i hope i haven't told this before on the on, but I was in Nepal and I was 20 and I was trying to get off drugs and I was volunteering in an orphanage. And then I went hiking up in the mountains. Did the orphanage know that they had hired a drug addict? Oh my God. You were clean at that point.

I was clean at that point. You were clean. You were just like wiping, you know, taking off dirty diapers constantly. Yeah, I was a little strung out, but I wasn't on drugs. I was, I was sober. I was, yeah. And so I'm there and then I go on this hike and, you know, I'm thinking about my life a lot. I'm in this kind of magical part of the world. And then I am up in the Himalayas and it was, I think my 20thth birthday. And it's like snow-capped mountains. And there's a little hut where you can write down your wishes and put them. So there's like thousands of little pieces of paper from travelers. And I just had this really clear

thought about this guy that I knew in high school who, like, was, you know, going through stuff, needed some help. And I wrote down his name uh and then I wrote it twice on the back and he and I he had been a drug dealer and but we were friends and I owed him a lot of money anyway wrote this down you know orphanage stuff anyway yeah and then I go back down how much money only 800 bucks but at that time that was a lot a lot in high school so i'm walking down the street in katmandu who should i see walking towards me that guy this guy that guy yeah that guy i even knew it was that guy yeah and a sneaking suspicion isn't that crazy and he's like where's my money yeah 800 was the first thing he said. But it was a joke.

Is that what he said? We were speechless when we saw each other. We were both like, what? And I knew he'd also been to rehab. Like, I just was wishing him well, you know, because he's a sweet guy. And we were speechless. And then he was with his mom. And then I hugged him and he went, you owe me money.

And I was like, I know. I'm so sorry. And he's like, I'm joking. I'm joking. I love a drug dealer that's good for their mother'm joking I'm joking I love it we spent we had the night that night we reconnected it was a really there's there's more to this story that I'll tell you another time um oh no well once you get paid for this podcast my mom swears that an angel brought me into the world. Oh. I know.

You are an angel. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother.

It is a mother. It is a mother. It is a mother. takes a lot of liberties with all the details but basically back then when i was born you didn't know the sex of the baby beforehand and so all the nurses based on their experiences with pregnant women would kind of guess what the person was going to have and based on my mom's cravings and the heartbeat and all that stuff they were like you're either gonna have a boy or a lazy girl what which how dare you wait a boy or a lazy girl you shouldn't be allowed to say that which i am kind of chill so i get that okay what but my mom was like i knew in my heart of hearts that you were gonna be a girl that you were gonna be lazy

so she goes she already had two boys she like really desperately wanted a girl and this is also back when if when you had a baby you stayed in the hospital for like another week you didn't like go home a day or two later so as they're wheeling her in to have this lazy baby. Who's lazy now? She's wheeled in to have a lazy baby. So she goes, she goes, right, they're wheeling me down the thing and a nurse that she's never seen appeared out of nowhere

and said, I'll see you and your 10 pound baby girl after the, whatever, your birth. And she goes, and we locked eyes and i just knew that this was someone not of the earth that my mom he's my mom's woo woo and so i got my mother's woo woo yeah a little bit and uh and she goes and i just knew when she said that that i was having a girl

and i was born i was 10 and a half pounds and she goes I was in the hospital for a week never saw the nurse ever again for the entire week I was there never saw her before it never saw her after so she swears that like Della Reese brought me into the world you know the woman who goes and brings pineapples to dances but she doesn't work at the school I feel like Martha I feel like there's a woman she dresses up like a nurse she goes to hospitals and just one in a hundred times she gets it right she just goes up to i'll see you and your seven pound baby boy and she just hopes that she's like fingers crossed all right yeah so i guess i'm yeah and were you touched by an angel. Were you inappropriately touched by an angel? Touched by an angel.

Now, were you a lazy child? My wife says that I'm the hardest working, laziest person she knows. You are always working. Like, were they showering you? You are not. You work harder than anyone. But I work so hard in my job.

Like, I'm constantly working. I do not stop. That when I finally am at home, I like. Crash out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she gets the. The best of you. So she unfortunately has to take care of everything in her life.

Right, right. But as a child, were they throwing Barbies at you? And you just wouldn't lift a finger to play? I'm just a chill gal. Yeah. I know. So I can see that. I can see like a lazy girl or a boy kind of fits

my personality. This is the laziest baby. I would say Stephanie's woo woo. And I'm not really. You don't strike me as woo-woo. No, but I do enjoy that she believes in certain things. I'm all for people believing in whatever helps them. Absolutely. You know what I mean?

That makes, if it opens portals within themselves or makes people feel better or protected I'm all about that as long as it's not like I believe people are demons yeah yeah yeah I mean if it's a lazy cult that's fine and they don't have any ill will and they're not trying to make money off of people yeah

I mean our handsome listeners they're in a handsome cult would you call this a yeah as a handsome I would follow. I'm trying to think if I would follow. Jennifer Aniston yeah I'd join your cult. You'd join my cult? And did you say you're trying to think if you would join Fortune's cult?

It's pretty chill. We just sit around and drink whiskey. There's something about Fortune do you agree that if Tig really was like if you were calm and serious and you said i know this to be true and i will not lead you astray and this is how you gotta live i think yeah you'd follow yeah i could see tig running a cult you got an authority yeah you guys are gonna follow me or not all right let's go that's like that's your goal that's that is that your impression of me that was crazy as a matter of fact let me hear your impression of me you guys are either gonna

follow me in my cult or you're not i don't have time to sit here and wait for you to make a decision i'm going and where am i going off to the. I'm going off to grow my beard in the woods. Where all the lesbians go. To the woods. To the woods. You're going where all the lesbians go. Lesbians, follow me to the woods. Will you do an impression of me as a cult leader? That's your impression of yourself, which I don't see you in that nerdy way at all.

Oh, I see it. Thank you. Here's what I see of your cult. Hey, everybody. What? I want you guys to sit down take your clothes off get comfortable what i'm gonna come around and kiss everybody on the mouth okay or on their broken elbow and that's how you guys are gonna know the cult has begun i wish i had that kind of That's the energy you have to me. Like you're putting out a sexy energy. Yeah.

Sounds like fortune's attracted to you. Fortune always mentions how hot she thinks you are. I think Mae's very, we're all handsome. Okay, but I feel like you give Mae a little more attention than you give Mae. Say you're very sexy.

You blew up the internet with your movie picture. Movie picture? With a cigar. You just sounded like a golden girl. You on your movie picture. You had a cigar and an army outfit. Then you broke the internet. I know what I did, but listen here.

I haven't. Here's fortune's call. I stopped here. Here's Fortune's cult. Can I stop doing that? Here's Fortune's cult. I'm sitting up because my buttons are popping. Hey, everybody. I'm starting a cult, or I meant to, but I was too lazy. Jax is going to run it.

Yeah, Jax would be in charge. If anybody wants to join me at the snack table, we've got a charcuterie board flying in. I would join my cult. I think it would be pretty fun. I would join yours? Yeah, my cult sounds great. Eating chips?

Chips. In the woods? Cheese. I would be too self-conscious to be in May's cult. Everyone's naked.'s naked you're okay you're the one saying that you can show up in your dirty outfit may's like it may's cult's in like a spa where everyone's naked no yeah no no they're wearing ponties i've been very clear about that no my cult would be more like you know i just like i would like to boss people around and be like, have you guys seen that video of Barbra Streisand singing My Man?

Let's all sit down and watch it. Or like bossing people around. That's a suggestion. It's a polite suggestion. Bossing people around are like, I started a cult. Let's go to the woods, Dykes. That's true. Yeah.

OK, Dykes. That's my cult. OK, Dykes is your cult. Yeah. All right. Let's hear what Stephen Colbert has to say. I have just found out that the assignment was not to ask you a question. It was to ask me a question, and then I answer it.

I'm a little confused, but I'm happy to do it. Though I do want to point out the email that originally started all of this from Tig was I'll need a literal minute from you to record a question on my cell phone for my new podcast, Handsome.

Cool, dude? Definitely cool. But that doesn't say answer the question. That says record a question. I'm not crazy you're crazy okay so i guess my question should have been tag do you often lie or was just sort of recreational for you to lie to me in this email because i don't lie. Okay, so here's my answer. How woo-woo am I? I am not very woo-woo. I thought I was more woo-woo than I was,

but we actually just went to Sedona recently and I was at first into the whole idea of having my chakras realigned or to achieve some sort of out-of-body experience on a red sand cliff. But I also just really enjoy hitting the bar. That's another way for me to have an out-of-body experience. So I decided not to.

I don't judge other people for having their woo-woo experience. So I decided not to. I don't judge other people for having their woo-woo experience. That's good for them. Evie's looking at me because she's saying, you totally judge. You totally woo. Evie is totally woo-woo. And I'm not woo-woo enough for her. But I'm into

other people doing it. I tend not to. That includes like acupuncture and cupping and tarot cards and palm reading and all of that. So sorry to anybody out there. If I lumped your woo-woo together with something that you don't believe is woo-woo, I'm sorry for the woo- woo melange that I just made okay goodbye you handsomes

thanks Stephen well and on the other side of woo woo Stephen's a religious person that's true which sometimes religious people aren't as into the woo woo which doesn't explain me I'm not religious or woo woo I like a psychic though.

I enjoy a psychic. I do too. It's fun to have somebody just tell you things. And you don't know. Like sometimes it's accurate. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes you want it to be accurate. And you're like, ugh.

Like the Long Island medium. I wouldn't mind if she came in here. I want that. I would be into like seeing what dead people are around. Yeah. Did we talk about the Long Island venue? No. Do you have a story?

I do. Oh, wait. You met her? I was a guest on it. You were? I was. Oh, wait. On a podcast or what?

No. I went out to her house in Long Island. Or on Long Island. Glad to know she's on brand. And went to her house. Wow. This does not seem like something you would be into. I did this because when Stephanie and I first got together,

she was into, you know, all of these. The woo. Yeah, the woo. And so I was like, oh, that'll be fun. I'll go do that show. And I'll like really open myself to this experience. do that show and I'll like really open myself to this experience and um nothing lined up it was so awkward oh my god I went in there ready to cry I went in there ready to hear that I have a week to live I was just like and everything was like Was like the, like, was she?

I was, and I, you know, when you try to like bridge the gap. Give something, yeah. But it was. It's nothing. Yeah. And even, and this was like 2013 or 14. And I was like, and what about my health? And I was just barely out of like health scares.

And she was like. You're good. Yeah, you're fine. Why? And I was like you're good yeah you're fine why and i was like so nothing is coming up no oh man and i was like wow okay because i have open incisions on my chest oh wow oh my god yeah was she embarrassed like was she it never aired okay yeah yeah there you go there you never ever like this one didn't work. That explains a lot. She probably blamed the ghosts in your life. They didn't show up.

Yeah, something happened. Yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. Well, you know, not everyone hits the nail on the head. But I want to believe. I'm open to it. I'm open to it. I'm open to it, too.

I was so excited to, like, go do this and have it appear on TV for Stephanie to be, you know, blown away that I was that vulnerable. And all the crying that you're doing. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this. Yeah. And then I was truly like, no. That's so funny. No. Anyway.

I haven't to Sedona. I just got a massage there. Should we end on that? Should we end on that? That feels like a natural conclusion oh man this was fun yeah it was really fun

I love being in the same room with you this is our first time to record in person together that's true that's true that's crazy it felt right it felt good it felt real good real connected to you guys me too yeah I'm not moving that pineapple but I feel anybody want to join my cult Right. It felt good. It felt real good. It felt real good. Real connected to you guys. Me too.

I'm not moving that pineapple, but I feel it. Anybody want to join my cult? Come on, Dykes, let's go. We're going in the woods. Hey, guys, sit down. Take your clothes off. Very different cult leaders. Very different, yeah.

Love it. Well, thanks, everybody, for listening. And coming up in a week, on the 18th, you know, we have our live stream. We're doing a show at Dynasty Typewriter. We sure are. You can still get tickets for that. The live show is sold out. But get the live stream link.

It's on DynastyTypewriter.com. Have a viewing party. Yeah, a handsome party. Yeah, you heard that there are. People are having a handsome party. Because the link lasts for like a week. Yeah, and send us little pics and vids oh yeah you wear a suit if you want if or a sweater or if you're a pretty little lady but wear a little bonnet get those photos in a view in your bonnet yeah get a pineapple get a pineapple get a bee in your

bonnet we got merch that's right holidays are happening the merch is flying off the shelf but we're getting it out for everyone for the holidays great great yeah so we got a shirt we got a tote we got a hat and we got stickers oh man yeah it's good stuff it's really really good stuff you can get that at handsomepod.com Fortune, you're good at that. You're really good at selling that. Real good. The shows and the... Careful, Fortune. Would you guys like to tell people

where you're going to be? Where they can find you? January 16th is all I know. That's all I know. Where are we going to be? I'm going to be at Largo. Well, I'm on the road as always. If you like stand-up comedy,

Florida, I'm coming to you after Christmas. I'm going the road as always. If you like stand-up comedy, Florida, I'm coming to you after Christmas. I'm going to be in St. Petersburg, Jacksonville, Orlando, and West Palm Beach, Florida. Then right after the new year,

I'm going to be in Eugene, Oregon, Vancouver. I got some other places like DC, Denver, and a lot of places added. Oh, London and Amsterdam out in Europe.

Oh, my God. So come see some shows, fortunefeeds.com. Okay. Well, I'm pretty much off the road these days. I have shows that you can check out in Los Angeles at Largo, and I'm doing some shows at Dynasty Typewriter. And then I think I have a show in May. I'm sorry, in March in Maine.

Maine. It's at Waterville, Maine. Sounds about right. Yeah, I think it's about to sell out. Yeah, it is. So good luck. Get your tickets now. I'm also going to be in Maryland.

I'm not sure where in Maryland. I don't have anything in front of me. But I'll be in Maryland and Maine. Go to Tignotaro.com. Just all of Maryland and all of Maine. Yeah, I'll be there. Also, go to Tignotaro.com and sign up for my email list, and you're going to get all sorts of information

before anybody else does. I love how you're looking at me. May, I want you to get tickets first. I don't want to copy you but i also have an email list if anyone wants to email us i've been doing these secret pop-up shows really uh yeah where i give people like three days notice in a small intimate club i'll sign up and you can only get the information on my email list okay i'm signing up for both these lists that's right get my own list and uh propeller'm signing up for both these lists. That's right. I'm going to get my own list.

What we really want you guys to do is to keep listening to the Handsome Pod. If you like the pod, go give us a five star, leave a review. We love that because we want to bring more handsome folks into the... And pretty little ladies. Yeah. And make sure you subscribe. And also, send an

episode to a friend. Why not? Why not, Mae? Especially around the holidays. Any day. One thing we would like to introduce to you guys that we haven't talked about yet is we've got a YouTube page, y'all. A YouTube channel. This is huge.

So, our YouTube page is youtube.com slash at handsome pod and we're we've taped today's show uh so that we can share the episode with you guys on our youtube page you can see the entire episode my gleaming white ankle you can see may's basement my basement is untanned We all look very handsome. Yes. Because a lot of people had been asking us for visuals.

Yeah. More visuals. They want to see these handsome pretty little lady faces and suits. Here we are. And here we are. So go to YouTube,

subscribe to that. Uh-huh. And, you know, hopefully we can keep this going. And until then. Until then, keep it handsome. That's cool to do it in the same room yeah we can get it right i do really want to do the theme song live

but just we don't practice it can we just try it now wait is this still part of the show oh yeah yeah are we still recording it yeah okay can we yeah ready okay we'll just see what happens all right one two three yeah flawless right i thing we were recording handsome is hosted by me fortune feimster

tig notaro and may martin the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas roulette email us at handsomepod at gmail.com

and follow us on social media at handsome pod what gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!