Handsome - Tom Papa asks about stolen gifts

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

The very funny Tom Papa steals Handsome's hearts with a question about pilfering presents! Plus, party kissers, Alf on a "Shalf", and... cheese in the pocket! Don't forget to get tickets to our May 4 Live Show in LA!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Chatting the friends on the handsome pot. Chatting the friends on the handsome pod. Cheers. Welcome. to the handsome podcast. My name is Tignotaro, and I'm sitting here with... My name is May Martin.

And a fortune fiendster. Yeah. Looking really, really, like a pretty little lady. Me? Yes, you are. It's because I have on some makeup. Uh-huh. Your eyes are popping.

Are they, you guys? They were like, do you want to take your makeup off? And I went, no. Never. Doing handsome and I want to be handsome. And I want to be pretty. Mm-hmm. So I have my, I don't have any lip taint on at the moment.

Mm-hmm. But the eyes are still popping. I thought maybe you had invisible lip-taint on. Yeah. No, just invisible mascara. Oh, okay. And so you started filming your movie today? Today was your first.

First day at work First day at work Everybody's really nice And it's funny to go from like The golf show with Will It's a lot of dudes Yeah

And a sporty world To like a lady A lady comedy A lady led comedy A lady led comedy So it's such of Both great vibes But just very different

Were you actually Pretty little lady Pretty little lady vibes Yeah we've Today was the filming. Oh my God, that's scary because you're like, are people going to like how I'm doing it? I know.

I was like, I don't know how, because it's a big, broad comedy. And I was saying, I don't know how broad to go with my character. You're like, want to be funny, but not like annoyingly over the top. I say go big. Go big. Yeah, they can always reel me in, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

It was good. I think everybody's got nice chemistry. We're feeling comfortable, more comfortable around. each other and getting to know each other. So great. Yeah. I drove Kim Kardashian in a truck. I mean, what is your life?

You drove Kim Kardashian in a truck. Oh, in a scene. In a scene, right? Yes, in a scene. Yeah. Okay. All right. Wow.

Because if you're doing that in real life, then that's like, what is your life? Yeah. That's true. Yeah. But were you driving for real or were you, was the car on the back of one of those? Driving for real. Whoa. Yeah.

See, I'm still just... Good thing it wasn't May. I'm still just impressed by driving, period. Yeah. Well, I've driven... When I did off his Christmas party, I... The car stood still, sat there. I didn't drive it. But I did drive Jennifer Gardner in the ambulance.

That was nerve-wracking. They keep getting you to drive. I know. The ambulance is big and it had all the camera people in the back of it. So that made me nervous. Well, Fortune seems capable. That's why you throw her in, you know, to do the driving. And then in Will's movie, you're cordially invited, I drove a speedboat.

Yeah, you're always driving. And I didn't even know how to drive a boat. I was going to say, I mean, that's my sweet spot. I know how to drive a boat. Yeah, I had not really done it. Yeah. And they let me rip it, too, in the water. Mm-hmm, round around in circles, I know.

Yeah. I was driving this beautiful women in cars. Here's what did you park the boat? I'm trying to think. I brought it up to the dock and then they like kind of took it over from there. But yeah, I know with the throttle and stuff, you got to push it back a little bit. Yeah. It can be a little tricky.

This is the butchest episode of our podcast yet. We're talking throttles and parking. Trottles, baby. When you were in the truck with, With Kim, did she smell good? Were you chatting between takes? What's the vibe? She's lovely.

Really just been very nice, very professional, very collaborative. She's not being like, you know, us and, you know, we're here and she's over there. Like it's, yeah, she was, we chatted between takes and she's got a good sense of humor. So she was laughing about I was being silly. She's really funny. I mean, I've watched her. Many times I've watched her and keeping up with the Kardashians. She's very witty.

They all are pretty witty. Pretty witty? Well, they have a lot of people around them. She's had like a group of friends she's been friends with since like kindergarten. Yeah. Well, this is a long shoot. By the end of it, you're going to be tight. You're going to be gossiping with the gals just like you were on Will's show.

Yeah. And then because, you know, we had her. The day after Nikki Glazer hosted the Golden Globes, so everyone just kind of went, I had three weeks off between shows. Yeah. So, I mean, between filming the last show and this. So it's been a shot, like we're all been shot out of a cannon.

Yeah. Busy times. Yeah. How are you, Teg? What's going on? I haven't seen you in a while. I did a minisode with Fortune, so we've been, you know, cheating. Talking, cheating on you.

We were cheating on you. I started my period. My period. Finally. Wow. Congrats, dude. Thank you. Oh, my God.

I'm hoping to get 300 tampons delivered to my house. Because I do work in space. Just for your next cycle. I'm, I started my, the beginning of my, um, period. minor, my, my, my, my, my, my market tour. Minor market tour. Minor market. Is that what, you've called it or that's, well, yeah, I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm just hitting the places that are not like Chicago, New York, that kind of stuff.

Right. You're hitting the smaller guys. Yeah, I'm hitting the Fort Lauderdale's and the Omaha's and what have you. So I'm just hitting those kind of shows for a while and going out for long weekends, but it's been busy as well because I had to overlap my Star Trek premiered. And then I think I told you, yeah, that the documentary is in contention for the Oscar nomination. And so it's just been pure insanity, like pure insanity, like the events and promotion and schmoozing. Yeah, it's not really amazing. It's not really your mind.

No, but I, you know, I want to do everything I can for the movie. But it is, it's a hard nomination to get because they typically, it's typically just like global documentaries that, that make it to the nominations, you know. Like political situations. Very political, very global. And, but, you know, we still have to, had to give it all we had and hope for the best. And even if not, we have, um, really. friend projects that were continuing to develop and work on around Andrea and Meg and with Meg,

Andrea's wife. And so it's just this kind of fun, creative bubble of people that really, really connected on a project and want to continue to work together because it was just, it was so special. It was just a, yeah, it was a really special experience that, um, We all feel very lucky that it all lined up the way it did. And on our Zoom today, I was talking about how, because they announced tomorrow morning. Oh, they do? Okay, I'm setting my alarm.

I'm checking your alarm. You get them at 5 a.m. Yeah. That's when it's 5.30 in the morning where they read off the nominees. Oh, my gosh. Why do they do it that early? I don't know. I think it's for the East Coast Press, like,

in the morning shows and stuff. Yeah. But that's what I've been up to is I'm still filming Star Trek. It premiered. Finish the promotion on that dual crazy run of promotion and doing my tour. And I'm touring with Amy Berkman, who's an incredible speed artist. And our first. Oh, yes. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. She's an ovarian cancer survivor. She paints a portrait with. in under 10 minutes, and then we auction it off at the show to raise money for charity. And yeah, we raised like $15,000 a show. What? That's awesome.

And 100% of the proceeds went to the charity. And we're very aligned on, she's a vegan. And so we're doing cancer charities, animal charities, and environmental charities. It just feels good. And it was my fantasy when Andrea was alive to tour with Andrea and Amy. And then when Andrea died, I was like, man, I got to make this right. And so I reached out to Amy. And it just was a really good vibe.

And she's really talented. So it feels good. Feels really good. So who's she doing the portraits of? Well, like we were in Fort Lauderdale the first night. And she did one of a manatee. Whoa. Yeah.

And does the audience kind of weigh in on what they want? No. She dances to music while she's painting frantically. And the canvas, she flips it right side up at the end. She's painted upside down the whole time. No. She flips it in the end. And then you're like, oh, my God, it's a manatee.

Or you're like, oh, my God, it's Andrea Gibson's face, you know. That must be like. like something must work differently in her brain to be able to paint upside down like that. That's like a really, that's cool. Yeah, she had very aggressive ovarian cancer. And when she lived through it, she was like, I'm going to devote my life to doing good with my art. So, and she's amazing. Yeah, she's really incredible.

So that's what I've been doing. Yeah. What about you, May? I've been working on my fraughtrophy, a biopic. Got to. Yeah. Dance until you die. It's a three and a half hour biopic based on no factual information.

Don't die during the research. Okay, May. What do you mean? Routrefeia. Well, you're writing the movie, you said? Yeah. Yeah, I just, you know, you have to research for a film and. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want you to dance until you die. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you not know the story? Oh, no, I know the bullet points. And that's all I got. So taking a lot of our. artistic license on her life. No, I'm not actually doing that, but I would like to.

I am, well, one thing I haven't talked about on the pod is I did this, I think you guys will find this funny. I did a show with Lisa Gilroy, friend of the pod at Largo, and the premise was that we surprise each other. So it's like, we each have to plan two surprises. It's really anxiety-inducing because you're like, am I going to go too far with a prank? Like, is this funny? And, And last time a year ago, I got the phone number of her husband, who I've only met once. And I secretly texted him and I took him to Universal Studios. And we went on all the rides. And we did like a whole, I did. It was so good. So on stage with Lisa, I said, you know, I've only met Steve once, but we do have a relationship. And it's, it's not sexual, but it is romantic. And then I had this whole slide show of us, like, spending the whole day together. And she was flabbergasted. she went through this like whole range of emotions of like that is so funny yeah like at first she I think was feeling protective of him like is he you know and then was like so touched that two

people she loves independently hung out and then she's like what did you guys do together yeah then she's like then she's like did you kiss like she got really anxious did you kiss did you touch my love yeah so then um I've been I don't know how to I didn't know how to top that and I've been really nervous and I kind of was drawing a blank and I was nervous for how she would kind of retaliate. And so she at the beginning of the show, she's like my surprises were pretty, were pretty lame. I was, I painted a portrait of her and I had Atlanta Johnston pretend to be Alanis Morissette. But at the beginning of the show, Lisa's like, oh, I have this new necklace. Yeah, my, my admirer got it for me.

And I was like, oh no, what is this going to be? And she's like, it's okay. I'll talk about it later. And then she kept being like, God, I love this necklace. My admirer gave me. And then she starts playing a video. And she goes, oh, baby, are you there?

It's on Zoom. My father appears in the video. She has gone on to Instagram, DM'd my dad. And unbeknownst to me, they've filmed this whole sketch where she's like, did they kiss? On Zoom. I want to like just play.

you guys a little. Is that your dad's given name as baby? Yeah, it's baby, baby Chatton. Baby Martin. Baby Martin. I think you're going to laugh at that because he really went for it. Like he is really goofy in it. And yeah, I went through the same range.

Well, after his acting debut on your show. Yeah, he was up for it. Guys, can we do a quick check in with my eye? Is it open? Oh, let's see. Well, right now you're squinting. Is that on purpose? Well, I have trouble seeing, so I'm always squinting these days.

You got to do this. Do this. It's definitely a little closed. This one? Yeah. Yeah. Have you gotten it fixed yet? No, I can't tell March.

Fortune, you can't tell? Well, I was asking a case to get it fixed and it was a bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't got it fixed. Yeah. It's working. Yeah. All right.

Sorry, May. Go on. Okay. You ready? Yeah, we're ready. I think the audio will be funny, but I'm going to show the video. And maybe I can post a little clip of the video if my dad agrees. But I'm going to show you guys.

Okay, ready? I'm sorry, darling. I missed you, baby. I've missed you, too, my everything. I'm wearing the necklace. You got me. It looks adorable. Oh, baby, look, I know you're taking me to Paris next weekend.

Well, my baby loves her croissant. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I'm on you so cute, Lisa. I love you so much, James. I would literally die for you. It goes on for a long time. Oh, my God. I would love one of your mom walked in and I was like, what are you doing?

What are you doing? I mean, I was freaking out. I don't know. It was so weird seeing my world's collided. She should have done it with your mom. That would be really. No, my mom's, she's so shy. She wouldn't, yeah, but.

Oh, my God. Hello, darling. Lisa. Yeah, hello, my darling. And then she showed me their email thread, her and my dad. And she'd be like, okay James, I'll send you a Zoom link and he wrote, okay, baby. Oh my God.

And now they're having an affair. Did you see any nudes in there? Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking which hot sauce I'm using on my breakfast burrito. Big mistake. There's a big difference between medium spicy and spicy, spicy, and I just learned it the hard way. Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that

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But it really, it was, you know, when someone, it's like when someone makes funny you really specifically, it's like so touching almost. But yeah, it's the best. It was thrilling. So that's my, that's my big news. Other than that, I just been driving around the town. I bought a new body wash, you know. I know. I saw this car going down the road just slamming into cars and light posts.

Yeah, just pinballing down the street. And I was like, look at May. Yeah. Look at May go. Are you getting more comfortable? Yeah, I love it. I'm way better now, guys. And I'm glad you didn't get in my car when I first got it.

Because so are we. I have no plans to ever get a car with you. I will at some point, but I need to practice. Look, you're driving Kim Kardashian around. I got to drive you guys. I've been driving since I was 12. Oh my God. Why'd you wait so late?

I was like smoking and driving since I was born. I have my first make out of my car. Yeah. Because I've always been the passenger princess. I think I know who you might out was. I'm not going to. Who was it? Nobody.

Was it you? Yeah, it was me. Yeah. No, wait. Why would you know? What is happening? Two against one. I don't like it.

Well, when we filmed our minisode off mic, I was updating fortune on my various. Okay. Well, bleep it out. Who was it? Well, I'm scared. Was it your dad? Mays scared it would somehow get in here. Yeah.

We'll tell you at the end of the. We'll tell you after. We'll tell you after. Oh, my God. Because we can't accidentally let it slip through. Yeah. Is it a Las Morissette? Yeah.

That would be amazing. But it felt good because usually I'm the passenger and someone's dropping me off. I'm not listening to anything now. All right. Okay. I don't care about anything unless I have this information. Okay. Well, should we, for Thomas, we're believing this?

Yeah. Okay. And you're definitely bleeping it. I promise to bleep it. I mean, not even bleeping it. Like, take the whole chunk. Who the hell is this? And all of this is staying in until this.

Okay. Oh, my God. Who the hell is this? Yeah. Yeah. Who the hell is this? Well, it wasn't who you think it is actually fortunate. Oh.

It was. Oh. Okay. That's not. exciting to you? That's not thrilling. No. You're not into her.

God. No, I'm not, no, it's nothing against. I'm like, great, whatever. I thought you were giving me like scandalous information. Oh, no. It's scandalous. Just like, what a twist. Yeah.

Okay, cut that whole chunk out. Well, some of it keep in some of the teasing. Okay, yeah. But you can listen to the editing. And then also keep in my disappointment. No, okay. We'll come back. I was like, who was your first kiss that cannot go anywhere?

Oh, my God. That was a bit of a bust. Tiggs not impressed. No, there was, well, there was more to the story. But anyway, oh my God. We thought it was juicy gossip, me and fortune. It was juicy, yeah, I thought it was some hot goss. Yeah, TIG is unimpressed.

Well, Tiggs like, yeah, of course that that person would make out with you. Yeah. And, but like, I thought if this was someone your first kiss and like who they must be now that you're so protective. Wait, my first. You, with this person. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who would have been, wait.

I think Tick misinterpreted it thinking that it was something scandalous. It was not scandalous. It was just. Okay. So who would have got like. the biggest reaction for you that you would have been like, oh, yeah,

I guess someone, like married and famous? Justin Trudeau. Justin Trudeau. Tick wanted a scandal. Okay, yeah. No scandal. You know me, girl.

I always want a scandal. Girl, you love a scandal. I love a scandal. Yeah, you do. Yeah, I don't know who would be exciting for you to make out. Oh, Angelina Jolie would, you have such a crush on her.

That's always the answer. answer, right? That would be pretty exciting. I mean, it would be crazy. Anyone that kisses her, it's like, that's like a big deal. It's a big deal in their life forever. And I don't, and if they're, if they say it's not, they're lying. Like anyone who just like, at a party, I don't want to kiss her, but I want you to kiss her. Why don't you want to kiss her?

Yeah. I'm more of a gin-annison gal. I think you have to be on one team or the other, right? Still or no. Well, like removing any teams, it's like you're at a party. Angelina's coming in for the smooch. And are you like, are you like, I'm a Jen? I have cheese in my pocket.

My pocket. I have cheese in my mouth. I'm pointing at my mouth saying pocket. She's in my pocket. That's how nervous you would be if Angelina is coming in. I'm sorry. I'm cheese in my pocket. I have checked.

I have cheese. And I have cheese in my pocket. I'm cheese in my pocket. Oh my God. That is now the let down line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you turn someone down and you give them no information. Pointing your mouth and say I'm cheese in my pocket and then walk away.

I got cheese in my pocket. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry to, I hope I let her down easy. Well, you did. You told her you had cheese in your pocket. Well, yeah, she's going to. She's walking away. in my pocket.

She's walking away confused. She's like, I don't want to kiss her now anyway. Yeah. Don't ever let me forget. I have cheese in my pocket. But we will forget. We forget everything we say on this podcast. I know.

People come up like, hey, speedboat through the desert. And they're like, wait, what happened? We only remember if it becomes a merch, I don't know. If someone else tell, okay, I just wrote it down. I have cheese in my pocket. It's the thing. Thomas, we put that on the list just so we remember to turn down Angelina with that line. Turned on anybody with that line.

I have cheese in my pocket. You have to point to your mouth, though. I have cheese in my pocket. Oh my God. I love it so much. And please sneak that in when it makes sense in any possible moment when you have Like if I say, do you want to go get coffee and say, I have cheese. Now, are you making out with her if she comes up to you at the cheese table?

I have cheese in my pocket. You're eating vegan cheese. Yeah. I'm, well, yeah, and I'm, I'm married. Yeah, but in a scenario where you're not and you're at the party. Yeah. No, I'm not, I'm not a party kisser. Yeah, I know what you mean.

What? That's the other excuse. I'm not a party kisser. I can't believe both of. You were saying you were rejecting Angelina Jolie. This is such garbage. Here's the thing is I'm pretty sure she would reject us. She's rejecting us.

She's got way more cheese in her pocket, by the way, in these scenarios. We're just letting her down before she lets us down. That's how it works psychologically. Okay. What if you're out and you're introduced to her and you're chatting, getting along? And then you're like, oh, my God, Angelina is so nice. And then at the end of the conversation, as she walks away, she goes, by the way, I have cheese in my pocket.

And you realize that she listened to the pod. She listened. I feel like fools. Be mortified. Then would you kiss her, fortune, for listening to the podcast. I would kiss her hand. We would kiss everyone who listens to the podcast. I don't speak for yourself.

I would do the TIG kiss. Kiss my own hand. What if we were at a party? Totally eating chips and cackling. I like this. Yeah. You turn. And who do you see?

me in a corner just making out with some girl wait this is a scenario where you're not married right whatever whatever you're just and you're suddenly a party kisser

I'm suddenly a party that's March right there party kisser I would be screaming and this party kisser and you walk in the door that is a fun shirt oh my God

we have more shirts I'm a party kisser. I'm so many shirts. We need to open a store. Yeah. Party kisser is good. That's really good. I feel like a lot of people would wear that.

For sure. If you were making out of a party, that would be wild. Fortune and I would be screaming. You don't even like to touch people. I've had so many people come through my meet and greet lines going, May's coming here in, you know, whatever month, I'm going there. And then whenever Tick comes, but we know she's not going to do meat and greets because she doesn't like to touch anybody.

She won't touch us. We don't want to meet anyone. We can't touch. Now, is it merch for also, I got cheese in my pocket? I don't know. We'll have to see how our listeners take to it. Okay, you have one shirt, like on the front, party kisser, and then on the back it says, I got cheese in my pocket.

I like that. Or a little like a stick, and you can do either one. So if you're at a party and someone's propositioning you, you can either hold up, I have cheese in my pocket or a party case. Yeah. We're just spitball in here. We should probably spook all our merch another time. I one time I had a party and afterwards I said to my friend, did you have fun tonight? And he goes, yeah, I made out with, and then he said this person.

Angelina Jolie. Yeah. I made out with so-and-so in the bathroom and I went, me too. And this woman had made out with both of us. She's a party kisser. Did she have on the shirt? She was such a party kisser, yeah. I really, I really respected it.

I do enjoy hearing about a party kisser who is just kissing everybody. Oh, my God. Male and female and pretty little ladies and theyies and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Are you not, are you a party kisser, fortune? I know May is. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why May used to throw parties was to be a party kisser. Yeah. No. Thomas, are you a party kisser?

Back in the day I was, but not anymore. Yeah. No one was kissing me at parties because I was by the cheese table. When cheese in my pocket. So I didn't even, yeah, I wasn't. Being very open to that. Uh-huh. Yeah, you were sending off signals.

Too into the cheese. I really loversher kutery board. Yeah, we know. You know why? Because it has the word kudder in it. That is exactly why. That's so funny. Oh, you guys.

How is it that we do it every single week? I don't know. We deliver the goods every time on time. You and Stephanie never made out at a party? In the early days when you like, I mean, our first kiss was in public at La Poubelle in Hollywood. La Poubele, that sounds sexy. That was when our photo was, you know,

our first kiss was captured in a picture. No. I don't think I realize that was in a picture. Yeah. Wait, so like a paparazzi? picture? No. No. The paps or the paps giving you. Yeah, they're like, oh my God, here's two unknowns. Let's grab this. You've heard us talk about hungry root before. I love hungry root because I love keeping things simple. And hungry root simplifies my life and routine like nothing else. I'm always

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Wayfair, every style, every home. I was writing my book, and it was like 11 o'clock at night, and we had a texting relationship for months, and I was thinking, do I have a crush on this person? And then she, it was the first time, it was like six months into texting, that she was like, oh, I'm out with my friends. Do you want to come join us?

And I was like, oh, sure. And then I was like, oh, my God, I've been writing my book all day. I haven't showered. And then I was like, oh, she doesn't date women. It doesn't matter what I look like. So I just went down there all filthy. And I had this big Canadian wool sweater on with an eagle on the back. And I walk into La Pubelle and she's sitting at this huge table with friends.

They had just done improv next door at UCB. And she was wearing a huge Canadian. sweater with an eagle and hers was dark blue. What? Mine was off white and we were like, this is insane. And so we switch sweaters. And do you know Armand Whitesman?

No. Oh, anyway, he's part of that whole UCB world of long ago. And he was like, oh my gosh, you two get together. I'll take your picture. And as soon as we touched each other, we started making out. Oh, my God. And as a joke. No, no.

Like we were What? Yeah. And we immediately started kissing and our first kiss is captured. And then we went to my car and made out all night. And then the next day is when she wrote me the 50,000 page email saying, I'm not gay. I can't date you. And then I wrote, okay, Dike.

And then the rest is. Oh my gosh. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Like, so you started kissing in front of your friends in front of the person. In front of her friends. Oh my God.

And I wonder if. Before you arrived that night, if Stephanie had said to them, like, I don't know if I have a crush on this person. No, no. She's not that kind of person. Wait, did one go in for the kiss first? We both did. We both. Wow. And we are not those types of people.

And we were just immediately like, party kissers. Yeah. We did not have any cheese in our pockets. Yeah. So that's pretty sexy. That's hot. Yeah. And it wasn't like you were doing a bit for the photo.

and then it got... Oh my God. There was no bit. I was like full-blown crush on this person here. Let me show you the... Can I show you this? Please. The picture of our very first kiss.

It's so insane. I can't even believe that we have this. That is pretty crazy. It's so crazy. Okay. Prepare yourselves and here it comes. Oh, my. Oh, my.

God. I know. For a minute, I wasn't sure which one you were. And that you've never looked more. You've never looked more Tom Cruise. There's something very Tom Cruise about the hair. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that is very romantic.

Okay, are you ready? This is the final thing to blow your mind. Okay. Yeah. And this I promise. Blow your cooters and pooters off. Excuse me. I actually don't want to say that at all.

Okay. I've never. And you and you both, wait, yeah, is that a saying? It is now. Cooters and shirt. Put on the merch list. wrote on the list. Oh, we need to start.

Yeah, we need to start a new list of, I'm going to blow your cooters and cooters. Oh my God. What is this episode? I don't know. What are we doing with our time? My family is at basketball practice and they have dinner. This is what I'm doing to make a living.

But so when I tell you this final part, you're going to go, oh, come on. You knew. She knew. No. Okay. I was just back in town. I had been in New York. I had been touring.

I was back in town. And because I was in town, she said, come meet me. She didn't say come meet me. She was like, hey, I'm out with friends at La Poubel and we're hanging out. Come meet us. It was Valentine's Day. No. Yeah.

Oh. So our anniversary is Valentine's Day. She was looking for the smooch. No, she wasn't. She was. She didn't realize it, but deep down, she was looking for a smoot. She's not a bar kisser. But on Valentine's that night, after months of texting you, she wanted a smooch.

Yeah, she got it. She sure did. I have a really specific question, but. And now I lie down next to her with a CPAP machine. machine on. But anyway, go ahead. So in your friendship before then, had you ever had any prolonged eye contact with a little twinkle in your eye? Because that's my favorite thing. No, I think more than anything, anytime we went out to eat, we would just have so much fun, talk forever, laugh, stay at the restaurant for like three or four hours. Then we'd go out

to the parking lot, the sun would come up, that kind of so. And I would leave going, oh my God, I think I have a crush on her. Well, yeah, that's a lot. But I didn't think she did. So I just went about my life and party kissed other people. Yeah. Until she married me. Well, you got a party kiss until she's ready to only party kiss you.

Yep. That's where we are. Good. Yeah. And look at you now. And now you're rejecting Angelina. because you got cheese in your pocket. You're real full of yourself.

I got a pocket full of cheese. Well, that was a fun treat. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for listening. I'm happy to always tell the story. And yes, May, we should get to our question. Yeah, let's do it. Today's question, asker, is one of my dear friends.

He's a comedian, an actor, and a radio host who co-host, the serious X-M show. What a joke with Papa and Fortune. That's right. He's my radio co-host. His latest stand-up special, Home Free, is available to watch on Netflix. Tom Papa is asking today's question.

Hey, handsome. Handsome. It's me, Tom Papa, your friend. Friend to all of you. Wish I could see your faces right now. But all I see is my face. I have a question for you. Have you ever at any point in your life, in any age, stolen something and then given that as a gift to someone else, and you never told them that you stole it?

Have you ever stolen something? I don't know what your motivation is. I don't know what the situation is. But you needed a gift and you stole something and then you gave it to them and then you never. You never told them that it was stolen and they just enjoyed it and have it and hold it. And you never said. That's it. I love Tom.

What a nice energy he has as a person. Yeah. How did you guys start working together, Fortune? I had met him through Aaron Foley, very funny comic here in L.A., who's been dear friends with Tom forever. And then he, Netflix wanted him to do a radio show and he was like, you want to do this with me? And I didn't really know him, but I was like, yeah, let's do it.

And so we're in our sixth year together doing this radio show. It's every Monday through Thursday, two hours a day. Good Lord. I know. It's a lot of chatting. A lot of chatting on Channel 93 on Sir 6M if anybody wants to check it out. And does Ginger still listen? Yeah, she still listens.

That's so nice. Yeah. She loves Tom and he is a bread baker as well. I didn't mention that in his bio, but he's a fantastic breadmaker. Really? Yeah, he even just came out with his own line of bread baking products that have been doing really well for Nambay. Wow. I'm trying to think of a pun on Papa somehow.

Pampa. Breaking Bread with Papa is his podcast. Oh, nice. Um, okay, stealing things. Well, I can tell you, I, I never stole again after my mom caught me when I was five stealing a piece of gum. And she made me go back in and be like, I'm so sorry. I said that's good. I'll let me do it again.

Um, and were they nice about it in the store or they said, you know, you better. Yeah, they were nice about it. But, you know, she wanted me to learn my lesson. And I did. Uh, so I didn't steal this, but I definitely was, um, uh, uh, uh, trying to take credit for something. I was riding my bike around the neighborhood when I was in elementary school. And somebody had thrown out a bunch of stuff on the side of the road.

And one of the things they threw out was like crocheted, like, you know, blessed his home or whatever kind of thing. And I was like, oh, my mom's birthday's coming up. No way. And it even had like a little like you know it had gotten some dings being in the trash and I was just like bless this heart. This is going to be a pretty sweet birthday present. So I took it from out of the trash and gave it to my mom. And I'm sure she was like, thanks.

Because you can tell that was used and abused. Ratt holes. Did you give it a wash or no? Just no. Excellent question, May. Excellent question. I did not give it a wash. I was just like, this is, here you go.

Enjoy this. Yeah. I never asked her about that. I should ask her if she, you know, did you see it around the house or did it go back in the trash? I think it went right back in the trash. Yeah. But I got credit for.

giving her a present. I wonder if some other kid found it in your trash and it's like, oh, bless his home. My mom's going to love this. The traveling knitted or crocheted blesses home. Yeah. That's funny.

Oh, I have a similar one to that that someone made me. Hold on one second. Oh, off she goes. Yeah. There she goes. What that? Huh.

Oh, it's right there. What does that say? A handsome listener Croce, is this crochet? Oh, Fortune Marie. Nice. It's backwards. But it looked just like this.

It was a circle. No, that's not backwards. For us, it's not backwards. Oh, for me it is. But a handsome listener made me this. But this is what the bus, this home looked like, it was one of these circle things. Oh, Thomas said it's cross stitch. It's called cross-stitch.

Whatever. What are we saying? What are we called? I'm not a nerd. Fortune said crochet. I said crochet. I don't know. Cross-stitch.

Are you calling Thomas a nerd? Not Thomas, just knowing anything about anything. It's cross-stitch, like you put it on your wall. It's just, it's not like a tea cozy or like a coaster or something. Yeah, this is just like a, I don't know. So wait, where, do you have it hanging on your wall? I have it on my shelf. When I decorate my home, this office, I hope to eventually have a bunch of like a shelf or something in here.

where I can put fun trinkets on it. Someone also gave me an alf, a stuffed alf thing. Someone gave me a croaked. This was crocheted, an owl, a crocheted hooters owl. How do you know it was crocheted? Wait, I don't.

Yeah, I knew that. I don't know. And also, dream big. Look at you, hoping one day you'll have a shelf. I know. Right here right. When I have a shelf. Oh, my gosh.

One day I'll put my fortune, Marie. on a shelf. So, yeah, not stolen, but I feel like that's adjacent. Oh my God. Then during Christmas, you can have Alf on a shelf. Oh, God, that's good. I love that. That's strong.

Al-oh, I still got it. On a shelf. Still got it. Alf on a shelf. That's pretty funny. It's good. It's really good. I got to be honest.

We might have to, at our next holly bulbs, we might have to do that. Yeah. Alf on a shelf. And it also might be merch where we can get an elf, we can get an elf put in a Santa suit or an elf suit. Tick, have you ever re-gifted something or like, yeah, or picked it out of the trash? I was, I mean, I was at a some sort of industry, like, entertainment party long ago. and I was there with a comedian that has since gotten into trouble and not discussed much anymore. Anyway, we were at this party having a ridiculous time.

And then he dared me to go up to the bar and just like not hide, just walk up. Because they had all of the alcohol out. And he wanted like a bottle of scotch or something. And he was like, will you just casually walk up and just grab that bottle and then bring it over to me? And I was like, sure. Oh my God. I went over and nobody saw me. And I just picked it up, walked over and handed it to him.

And we had a good laugh. You love a dare. I want to. You want to see what you can make TIG do? I want to see what we can. Yeah, what we can get. Well, there has to be, you know, it's like a certain thing where like if I got caught, I wouldn't be scared to get caught because it's so ridiculous.

Like the jug of whiskey or whatever I took was like, and the fact that I didn't run off, like that I, the dare was go up and just casually pick that up. Yeah. Like, just bring it over to me. And so I guess that's stealing and giving something. as a present. Yeah. That's exactly what that is.

Exactly it. Yes. Yeah. He gifted it to himself. That's right. I probably drank it all. Uh-huh. Yeah.

He probably did that night. Yeah. Right then. That was a good one. What about you, May? I can't think of it. I can't think of a time I've stolen and gifted, but I have had a gift given to me that I later found out was stolen.

What was it? In grade seven, Ian Peach. Oh, there he is. infamous. I was so excited because he came after school and was snowing and he gave me this necklace and he said specifically that it was from Tiffany's. Grade seven, 13 year old, right? But I'm like, he's, you know, his family's loaded. Like, he lived in this nice air. So I'm like, maybe he went to Tiffany's and got me a, I would never have known what Tiffany's was in seventh grade. I told everyone, Everyone in my class.

I was so, like, I was just so deeply moved by it. And then the next time I was with him and all of his friends were there, I was like, Ian got me this. And, like, and I was bragging about it. And they all started laughing. And they said he stole it from the mall, from a little stand. Like one of those crappy little carts, little carts, yeah. It wasn't from Tiffany's.

No, and he stole it. Yeah. That Ian. Yeah. God. And I mean, if you could have seen the necklace, it was clearly. Pretty jiffy. It was like a diamond missing.

Yeah. One time I was at the Grove here in Los Angeles, and it was right when the Grove opened. And it was like, oh, my gosh, the Grove. And these friends of mine were eating. But I mean, true, it was like, oh, my gosh, the Grove is finally open. And this group of friends of mine were eating it around. restaurant there. And they just told me the name of the restaurant. I had never been at the Grove. Like I said, it just opened. So I was running around in a panic. I was a little late for dinner.

And there's this woman working at like a sunglasses cart or something at the Grove. And I just said, excuse me, do you know where whatever a restaurant is? And she was so rude to me. And she goes, no, I don't hang out at the grove And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, but you work at a cart at the grove? Like, I don't understand where the snobbery is. But it made me laugh so hard because I did, I felt like a loser. I don't hang out of the grove. Sorry, I don't hang out at the grove.

I don't know where that is. I hang out of the grove sometimes. I go to the cheesecake factory. We know you do, girl. You know it, Adam. peanut butter, fudge, cheesecake. Yeah. Anyway, I just, I always, really, I think about that woman every time I see one of those cards.

Like, she just made me feel like the biggest loser that I had lunch plans. It's so funny how, like, one interaction with a stranger and one sentence, they said, it'll stay with you your whole life. Like, you'll think about her, yeah, once a month or something. But I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. It's like when I saw that woman running for the subway and she just about made it on and she sort of bumped into this other woman.

And then the woman goes, Jesus. I've thought about it every day. Jesus. Jesus. Yeah. I feel like to have asked this question, yeah, that Tom must have had something on the top of his dome. I know what if he was like. Tom's a thief.

Yeah. I'm a thief. That's what we're going to find out. Oh, I did find a ring once that, do you put quotes around find? Yeah, I found it. And it clearly was like costume jewelry. But I was like, my mom's never going to know that this is not real. These trash gifts. And I gave my mom another trash gift. I was like, man, I'm a great daughter. Look at all these gifts. I'm giving my mom. Doesn't La Poubel mean the garbage?

Does it? Thomas? Did I have a garbage makeout? La Poubel means garbage? I thought it meant the cooter. No. Gosh. And we're that I was at La Poubel sounds like a vagina.

Yeah, Poubell. Porchon. Are you talking to me? I'm going to blow your cooters and poo bells off. Are you talking to me? How on earth? Is that what you've come up with? I wouldn't have even come up with garbage.

Poubell? Poubel doesn't sound like a vagina? No. No. Okay. How does that sound like one? Like a Pouss? Pousse.

French. It's French. Jesus. Clearly you guys don't speak the language of love. Clearly. I would like to touch La Poubele. I'm glad. I was right about that, but we've had a garbage theme that trash gifts, La Poubelle.

Garbage vagina. But imagine if someone, um, if someone found your dumpster tits and tried to re-gift them. Oh yeah. Do you think someone tried to repurpose your dumpster tits? Yeah, a couple of rodents drag them over to the house. They're they just like familiar? There's those little nips. Or you see a rat with massive tits.

Oh, good times. Everything about this episode made complete sense. Wait, has Tom told us? No. No, we go to here, go to go. Okay. Okay. Hit us, Tom.

Well, my answer is no. Of course, I never steal. I'm not a monster. Set us up. Yeah, I stole. And now I'm lying. So now I'm not only a lying monster. I'm a stealing monster and a lying monster.

I'm a monster. I was little. I was small. And I was, I needed a gift for my grandmother. And my friend and I went down to town on our bikes. And we went into a gift shop. And I was looking around. I was like, ooh, that little, that little cup looks quaint.

And that looks grandmothery. And the guy, the shopkeeper, was kind of following us around. We were probably 10. And maybe 11. And we were looking around and then I saw this cup And the owner was like he knew we were up to no good Kids don't have money. Why you went a gift shop? And my friend distracted him and I stuck it in my shirt

And I stole it. Wow. Yeah, and got on my bike and went home. And then I gave it to my grandmother. I gave it to my grandmother and she liked it. It was just a little. She liked it and put it up on her shelf on her little grandma, you know, like one of those little corner shelf, grandma.

It's pronounced shelf. Shalph. It's a little thing with all the things. And that little mug sat on that shelf. And I would come over and visit even like later, like in college and stuff. And it was always there. And she would always point it out. And I would just sit there and think, I stole that.

I just stolen goods. But it made her hands. happy. Yeah. So was I wrong? I don't know. That's a whole other question. Oh my gosh.

And just what? This is it. That's the mug. Oh my God. It was worth it. He stole it from his grandma. But I still have it. Wow.

How much could it even have cost? I'm a monster. Mm-hmm. He is. He's a terrible person. Yeah. But it actually reminded. reminded me of another, I did.

I lit in a similar story. Like I did. I stole something. I'm just remembering. And gave it to my friend. There was a pet store that I used to go into to look at animals just to like, you know, just to see the cute little things. Oh, when you said that I could just smell it. I could smell the sawdust and the aquariums and the, yeah.

The poop and yeah. Yeah. I see this little kitten in a cage. Oh no guys oh wait you stole a kitten? I opened the cage Put the kitten in my shirt Got on my bike and rode over to my friend's house And gave her the kitten

Yeah and it was the same color as her bedspread And she named her kitten bedspread And she kept it? Yeah, yeah Oh my God, bedspread lucked out Yeah, wow you stole a whole ass kitten Well, it was just it was in a cage And it was just a little poof ball

Like, imagine if you saw, I didn't, you know, I couldn't, I knew I couldn't bring this kitten home. I don't know why I decided Kristen's mother would let her have it. But I was right. And then Bedspread's name became shortened to BS. That's good. Yeah. You stole an entire creature. Yeah.

Yeah. Put it in my shirt and just, meow, meo, meow. Kitty city. Yeah. Well, look at you. I'm a monster too. Yeah. I'm a monster.

I've called the police on all of you. All right. I just took stuff out of the trash. That's true. I'm just trash. I called Oscar the Grouch. But you took something at a store. Come.

I did when I was five. Well, let me just to clarify, to clarify, I have stolen things. I just haven't gifted them. Your what? My boo was itching, sorry. Fortune Marie. I don't mean to go to YouTube. I don't mean to rub that in your face.

face. Your boob? Please don't. Go to YouTube. Fortune just is. I'm not scratching it now. Okay, but you can rewind it. Okay.

Or whatever you do, you go back. Go to YouTube, you can see Fortune scratching her. My dumpster's hit. Her dumpsters. Oh, you guys. Look at us. Look at us doing it again. Look at us.

Yes, yes. I have a snow globe here. We're trying to wrap up the episode, unfortunately. I'm just showing you what I got. All right. Well, I'll tell you what I got. What do you got? I am going to be in Tucson on February 26th, Santa Fe, February 27th, Ventura, California, February 28th.

It just goes on and on and on. Largo, March 6th. go to tignotaro.com and all show information will be on there. And sometimes dates do change. So apologies. And that's usually due to Star Trek shifting shooting dates. So my deep apologies if that does happen. That is happen with me. I had to reschedule. Yeah. And I deeply apologize for that as well. Yes. Yes. I would love people to spend Valentine's Day with me if they live in New York City. If you're a bar kid, Or if your bar kisser, come to the show, February 14th at the Beacon Theater. That's my big show coming up.

And then I'll have San Diego in early March. All the rescheduled dates are on my website. They have new dates in the spring and into early summer. I'm coming to a lot of fun places. So check it out. I am. Well, it's coming. My tour is happening so soon.

I'm starting in Oklahoma City, February 26. And then Houston on February 27th and Dallas on February 28th. Then New Orleans March 1st and go to Maymartin.net for all the rest of the shows. I'm going to 37 cities. A lot of them are selling out, which I'm so grateful. But some of them are not. So come to those ones, please. And I love everyone.

Thank you. Subscribe to YouTube. Share your favorite episodes like this one with a friend and help build the handsome community. And get your merch. You can get your own peanut butter bitch shirt, your own frowlchafow shirt, fortune Marie shirt. And if you keep getting them, we'll keep making

all these crazy-ass shirts. Isn't it frowiceafowy? I don't know. You don't know, whatever. Dance till you die. Dance till you die, frowlterfowee. Until next time. Keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tignitaro, and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Wollett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance.

That's smart. Not checking that your chess board has all 32 pieces. Girl, you'll never get checkmate without coming prepared. Checkers just isn't scratching my board game itch. Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could to save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings varies subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, I'm Drew Offiwalo. And I'm Dason Offoallo. And we host the Headgum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins.

We talk about all kinds of things like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had once, or even a show you're loving and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.