Hate Watch with Devan Costa - 2 Girls 1 Captain

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Captain Jack Sparrow joins the crew to discuss the ongoing Johnny Depp trial, January 6th, Mandalay Bay, Building 7, LemonParty.org, 2 Girls 1 Cup and Brian Laundrie's innocence Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow Captain Jack: https://www.instagram.com/captainjacklive/ Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

Welcome to the Hate Watch podcast, folks. We're here on, what is it, like, day, it's day three of the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. The court keeps getting, like, better and better. It's like my favorite TV that I've seen. It's unbelievable. There's so many likable characters in it, you know? The sister I think about non-stop now. What a gangster. Robert Patrick. Johnny's sister looks exactly like robert patrick but terminator terminator too yeah and yeah she was like also like very like a like a

mafioso she like would refuse to answer she is uh she was amber heard's assistant for a long time and she testified and she obviously fucking hates amber heard she wants to see this woman go down hard and she's like this australian woman with a fucking grudge and a chip on her shoulder. I've skimmed this, but we're going to do this. And then there's another guy. We got Johnny Depp's fucking friend. Isaac.

They need to get Doug Stanley. That Isaac guy. Yeah. Isaac. Johnny Depp just met this artist guy. He was living out of his mom's garage, making art in his mom's garage. And he commissioned him. He paid him to live in a loft in New York on the same floor as him and Amber and just make art. And then he said he was going to set up a big show, an art show for him.

And he's going to invite all the most powerful people he knows. And the guy's going to make a fucking killing off his art. And so he's treated this guy incredibly for like seven years. He became great friends with him. And that guy testifies. And that guy's like salt of the earth. Is he pro-Johnny or anti-Johnny? He's pro-Johnny.

Is there anyone pro-Amber? There's not a single person. Does that come later in the trial? War Machine testified pro-Amber. There's not many good people that are pro-Amber heard. Later in the trial? They had, you know, War Machine testified. Pro Amber. Not really, there's not many good people that are pro Amber Herd.

Yeah. You know? She really screwed the pooch on this one. She really fucked up. Yeah. She really fucked up. And she's, there's all sorts.

She's smirking throughout the case. Just the weird stuff. Like, you know, if you watch enough court cases, it's like the body language. Johnny's just killing it. He's holding the door open for old ladies out front people are screaming his name and amber's there and she's just this meanie just this just a fucking just a bag of rocks she's just a worthless scumbag just sitting there and and it's her time has come yeah because I don't know if you guys remember, there was a few years in a row

where Johnny Depp's name was on Twitter and on the internet just being dragged. Like, he's an abuser. Like, everyone thought he was guilty. Everyone thought he was completely guilty. Everyone, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah, he needed this. He needed this bad.

Yeah. But anyway, John, who's this guy, real quick, before we get into this, who's this person at work? There's somebody at your job that thinks that they're benito mussolini and they're a homeless person so there's this old italian homeless guy who i think just escaped from an insane asylum or something and he uh he he's walking around and i hear him talking about the old country one day and he's just obviously bothering this woman as he's just he's just following her through the station and then he starts to speaking fluent Italian and I'm like I don't know if he's making it up I don't know what to tell what I can't speak Italian but I went in the other

day and he's speaking Italian again and he's a heavyset man he's bald and I think he guys the the hospital socks on the grippy one sure Sure, yeah. He just starts declaring that he's Benito Mussolini in the middle of Union Station. The security guards are like 35-year-old ladies and they're just like, okay. I don't know who that is. They're just like, okay, it's fine.

I start going up to him and go, wait, he goes, I'm Mussolini. I go, Benito Mussolini. He goes, no, I'm him. He starts speaking Italian again. I go, Benito Mussolini. And he goes, no, I'm him. And then he starts speaking Italian again. I start calling him El Duce. And he's obsessed with the pizza place, which is the funniest part about it. He's like,

Sbarro, Italian, authenticana. He's just bothering the young Latino women working at the pizza place. How does that happen? How do you turn into Benito? What do you have,

like a mental break at like a Sbarro? He's schizophrenic. That's how it happens. But you know, like a mental break at like a Sbarro? He's schizophrenic. That's how it happens. That's interesting. What does he say about the tons of footage of Benito Mussolini hung, getting swung by his testicles? Yeah. I haven't shown it to him yet, but I will next time I see him.

Might be heartbreaking. Yeah. This guy does that for fun. Anyway, I guess I should mention, we are joined here by a guest. Captain Jack Sparrow, thanks for being here, man. Thank you so much. Where am I again? Jesus Christ.

He's hammered. He's actually hammered. Look at how much of his body is covered. Is he already drunk? Captain Jack. That was full before. For Christ's sakes, Captain Jack. I mean, Jesus, slow down a little. Where am I, honestly?

What are we talking about? Well, you're having a big trial going on right now. It's nationwide news. Again! Last time they tried to hung, draw, and quarter me. They're not going to do that again, are they? Who was they? Have you known Amber Heard back in the day?

She seems like a lying whore. Seems like. You don't know from personal... I know you know from personal experience, right? Have you drank the pain away let's say i can sense a lying hole when i see yeah can you imagine if you were stuck on an island with her you know if i had a sister and a. If I had a sister and a dog, if she had a sister and a dog,

I'd choose the dog. Very good. It would shit in the house less, I know that. Just keep it away from the bed. Pirate's code. Yeah. Amazing. So have you been keeping up with your case, Captain Jack? Pirate's Code yeah amazing so have you been

keeping up with your case Captain Jack I keep getting mistaken for that one guy he's much prettier than I am he plays me

in the movies and I believe I'm owed reparations yeah Devin you have to like call him Jack Sparrow or he won't respond Captain Jack Sparrow

if you say Johnny Depp to him he he's not going to... I didn't call him Johnny Depp. There should be a captain in there somewhere. Sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow. Sparrow only. I don't wear this hat for my looks. So that is...

You do have to remember that. Be respectful. Respect is right. I understand. Are you still... Do you still have. I understand. I'll allow it. Are you still, are you on, do you still have the black pearl? I lost it again.

Me beloved pearl. Amber stole it? You know what? I wouldn't doubt if she's gonna get it. Yeah. She seems the type. That bitch, yeah. What I said.

I'm sorry to hear you lost the black pearl, man. Lying whore. hear you lost the black pearl man oh my god now have you have you recovered from any of the injuries she gave you because we've all seen in the news she's really been she's done a number on you for years she's really been abusive this finger is fake oh my god i know i know what a psychopath she is the worst part is she broke it and broke the alcohol that was in it and it went all over the ground that was more tragic than me finger yeah she wasted the alcohol she wasted the booze because you could go without a finger but if you know if you don't have any booze to help out it's she's why the rum is always gone yeah lying hole yeah she's really a bitch isn't she she really abused you because you were saying she's a stupid bitch outside yeah when you got

here you were just screaming about her yeah female dog this is what means that's too nice that's too nice you're right you're right yeah what about an upgrade yeah okay why don't you call her a i don't know what this word means oh come on we know you just came from a kid's party but you could say here it might be before my time what does it stand for uh see you next t, I guess. I hope I don't see her next Tuesday. Right, that's a good point. So why would he say that? Maybe like a siren.

Did they not have cunt in pirate dates? They didn't say cunt? I don't know what they said. They said Amber Heard. I don't know much pirate lore. Dictionary definition, we're going to go along those lines. Amber Heard was the biggest insult

back in the day. You got to remember, historically, that's not accurate, so he can't know the word cunt. I don't know if you said Captain Jack again. Every time I refer to him, I got to say Captain Jack. I didn't say Johnny.

No offense, he can just call me Captain. Alright, okay. It's a little intense stare, but okay. I'm not violent. I'm not violent. I trust you. I picked up on a little resentment toward this actor, Johnny Depp,

who portrayed you and you said you didn't get your royalties. I know you hate Amber Heard, but it also seems like you hate both. You kind of seem to hate Johnny Depp, too. It's a long story, but basically, he stole me, and I'm here to take myself back. Okay. He's the real Captain Jack Sparrow. It's more about the public image.

Exactly. Exactly, okay. However, he does portray me all wrong in those pirate movies he says i'm always stopping sentence and staring yeah you don't do that no no no i'll never do that yeah yeah yeah no that's not you let's get to the case all right all right let's watch some of the testimony here this is kate james uh the assistant of Amber Heard, and she wants blood. She wants blood.

What did you say, Captain Jack? She looks very honest. That is not a lying hole. Exactly. You can't lie with a face like that. I like that she's also doing her testimony from Joe Rogan's old studio. That's cool. What's going on? Why is it low? It's not low. It's not. I don't recall. What's going on? Why is it low?

It's not low. I don't recall. Was it in the past month? No. Yeah, why is it so low? Was it in the past year? Yes. Did you talk about this case?

No. What did you talk about? I don't recall. If you don't recall, how can you recall that you didn't discuss this? I love the amount of well-to-do white women involved in this case. So having to say, I don't recall. Like the fucking Al Capone on the stand. It's like they're facing a RICO charge.

Yeah, like it's a RICO charge, but it's just a housewife. She's just like, I don't know. No comment. No comment. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know! No comment. No comment! It's great. Have you discussed this case or the UK litigation with Mr. Waldman? Yes, I discussed the UK case

with Mr. Waldman. What did you discuss about the UK case with Mr. Waldman? Can you hear this? It's hard to hear. Okay, cool. Can you pause, please? No details whatsoever that you recall? No.

Did miss. There you go. You want to approach? I'm not sure. You have to admit, Captain Jack, the guy is the epitome of cool. I mean, look at him. He's quite handsome right right not that i've been on a ship that long but you know he's quite handsome how much uh is

there how is there a lot of like homosexual activities to him because he's looking at devon i can tell you the reason why is there's bad luck to have a woman on board. Right. Because of the humble herds of the world. So as a result, some of those voyages get very lonesome. Natalie Wood's kind of action. Well, Joe, you're saying that the pirates, they just kill the woman? I thought that's what you were saying. No, he's saying that they don't have women on board and so the men look handsome. He's saying that they fuck men.

Oh, my God. Basically the question he was alluding to earlier. Got it, got it. Yes, this did go on. I guess pirates were quite progressive. That's true. Is there a pecking order? Is there like cabin boy to first mate?

What do you do? I wouldn't know because the crew, they're not allowed to have women on board. I always was allowed to. Oh, yeah. Because a woman should wear a dress or nothing. And I always have no dress in my cabin. There we go. So nude requirements for chicks.

That's sexy. Precisely. Boy, you really mastered this shit, haven't you? But you watch the Pirates of the Caribbean like every day? How long did it take you to get this down? I've never seen it. He lived it. He lived it.

He lived it. Of course. Of course. I did the same thing when I visited fucking towns. They chose the prettiest guy in Hollywood to play me, and he's always running away, and women are slapping him. No.

Not me. Not No. Not me. Not accurate. Not accurate. You're not going to get Captain Jack to break character here. I didn't mean to do that. What an insult. I did the same thing when we went to the colonial towns on a field trip in middle school. And I kept asking the people, just break character.

Why don't you just fucking... You're not a pioneer. Yeah. Shut up. I told you. I think I said once to one of them, I like they were like where are you from and she was like a blacksmith or whatever and i was like we're from california she's like is that west is it i was like what are you fucking stupid i would have said the same thing.

Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno.

Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno.

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Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Inferno. Infer I hate when they convene. What a boring friendly banter. Does he have a different suit on today? Amber's legal team sucks. Answer.

Nothing to do with the case at all. Question. What was it about? Answer. We have gotten to know each other. And, you know, I was on vacation. Said Happy New Year. That's it.

Question. Did you call him or did he call you? Answer. I didn't call him by the way one of my favorite things about this case is that johnny depp's been drinking coca-cola throughout it oh you know there's rum in there right yeah yeah it's like when you go to the movies in high school and you pour he's got like wine in a can he's doing like it's always sunny yeah yeah he's got the pink teeth. He's like, you knew it was Ryan Kent?

How'd you know? That's good. I like how he looks like he has IBS. His what? IBS. Look how he sits. He's got hemorrhoids. For sure. Johnny's got hemorrhoids.

Blood clots. He copied me about. Over text. He stole hemorrhoids from you. He stole my hemorrhoids. My God. No. Did you exchange drafts of those statements with Mr. Wormwood?

No. Who did you send those drafts to? Shillings. Is every word in those witness statements words that you drafted? Who did you send those drafts to? Shillings. Is every word in those witness statements words that you drafted? Yes. Did anyone provide it? It's just low volume. Uh-oh.

Jesus. You really ought to get that premium. Yeah, we don't pay for premium, Captain Jack. I understand. I don't have any. You get it. It's on my ship. You live on a boat. I understand. I don't have any of this on my ship. You live on a boat.

Can you talk to Bob Iger and try to get us hooked up with a premium account? He barely let me out of Disneyland today. They had to put a wax dummy in that barrel. And no one noticed the difference. Do you work at Disneyland, Captain Jack? I can neither confirm or

deny that. What do you think about the Don't Say Gay bill? I think Walt Disney should run with it and just make every single movie about being gay. That's a good one. What's wrong with saying happy? Very good.

Because in his time period it was happy. What did you guys call a bundle of sticks back then? Yeah, exactly. Let's get down to it, Captain Jack. Captain Jack, have you heard about trans people yet? Oh. Have you not seen my eyeliner?

I know. Get this man some glasses how else do you think we have women on board a ship you're dressing up as a woman on the ship and having sex with other pirates it's like prison I didn't think that through, did I? What's in this? So on the weekends, you're Captain Jacqueline.

Jackie. Jackie. It's a little better. All right. Let's get back to this spiteful Aussie. She's coming in so hot, right? She already has such, like, fuck you energy, like, the minute she's on screen. Anyone else provide edits to those witness statements for you?

Now, you've spoken with Mr. Depp since he and Amber got divorced, correct? Correct. When was the last time you spoke with him? You can answer. I don't recall. Was it within the past year? No. In any day prior to today, have you exchanged text messages with Mr. Depp?

Yes. When was the last time, approximately, that you exchanged text messages with Mr. Depp? I would say... Trifling bitch. Looks like she's out of Midsommar. I think 2016, but it's a long time ago.

When was the last time you spoke with Amber Heard? I don't recall. Was it shortly after your employment with her ended? She's acting very weird throughout the whole case. Who was the serial killer who tried to represent himself in court? Which one was that?

Ted Bundy? Yeah, it was Bundy. She's got Ted Bundy energy right now. I think she's realizing. Bundy had way more charisma. Yeah, but he sucked at being a lawyer. That was the thing. He got pretty good by the end of the trial.

The judge actually respected him. I'm not even kidding. At the very end of the trial. The judge actually respected him. I'm not even kidding. At the very end of the Bundy trial, he goes, God damn it, boy, I wish you would have gone down a different path because you would have made a hell of a fine lawyer. Yeah, they loved him. You went down the serial killer route, but you know what? If you went to law school, it would be okay.

You know what's crazy is that Ted Bundy, with his actual lovers, he was much less violent than Amber Heard. Oh. Truly. He killed strangers. He wasn't like fucking women and then like, alright, time to chop your head off. No, the women he was with, he didn't do anything to. He just killed random people.

He had straight girlfriends? Amber Heard has treated her lovers much worse than Ted Bundy. How have your lovers treated you, Captain? Yeah, Captain Jack, what is it like out there? Seriously? They're all alive. I mean, that's pretty good. No walking the plank for anyone, man?

They walked a different kind of plank. Oh. Very good. Is that your dick? That was a euphemism. That's his dick. Don't show business. He. That's his dick. It's not show business. He's talking about pirate dick. Captain Jack is fucking...

He's packing. It is a curse. Does your dick have an eye patch? No, no, no. But my right testicle does. Yeah, and I have testicular cancer right now, actually, too. Oh, banger. It actually too yeah it's hard how do we make this funny after that

he just nailed it I think alright anyway back to the case I'm dying have you spoken with her to the best of your recollection yeah he's like I read on this Have you spoken with her to the best of your recollection? Fucking cool. He's like, I read on this pack of Tic Tacs that there's sugar alcohol in it. That's not working.

If I hold these Skittles in my ass for five more minutes, I think it will give me a buzz. He's like, the fuck is sugar alcohol? I don't feel a thing. No one go to the bathroom on hallway B, stall three, I'm making toilet wine. He's going to start taking cologne from people. He's going through samples.

He's going trying to get cologne samples out of magazines in the lobby. Your Honor, is it okay if I huff this glue? He's got Sharpies.

When were you... Do you want a beer? I was going to offer Captain one Oh he's got He's got a whole bottle of rum He's got a bottle of fucking rum He's going to go through that Do you need more? How did you meet us?

Do you want a beer? So It's a hard seltzer It's a hard seltzer IPA if you want IPA There's a new thing Hard seltzers that are out now Captain Jack

Oh he doesn't Of course he doesn't know about that I don't think they've hit the Caribbean yet Yeah Kind of tastes like perfume It's kind of gross I think What do you think about that? Muscovy is cleared up

There we go It's pear Exactly Asian pear This guy is fucking good He's got a twist Captain Jack has an answer for everything I like it You got an answer for everything Captain Jack Cranks all around There we go. It's Paris. Exactly. Asian Paris. This guy is fucking good. He's got a twist. Captain Jack has an answer for everything.

I like it. You got an answer for everything, Captain Jack. Except for Amber Heard. Yeah. Lying hole. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Johnny's playing Tetris. The snake is filling the entire screen now.

I don't know what to do. This is my biggest snake ever. My TI-83 is running out of battery. I've written boobs three times. I can't play Worm anymore. I'm bored. In 1999.

For how many people have you served as a personal assistant? I'm intensely attracted to this woman. She seems so cold and cruel. I just want her to debase me. She's like a cruel seductress. Yeah. Vicious milking. And then she gets angry.

She goes, your cum got on me. Yeah, she's like, ner. Your cum's on me, ner. You came. Yeah, exactly. Who gave you permission? You came. You fucking came.

She's the type to answer emails while you rail her. She's on her phone emailing people while you're fucking came. She's the type to answer emails while you rail her. She's on her phone emailing people while you're fucking her. What do you have to say about that, Captain? I loved her in Game of Thrones. Yeah. Oh, fuck. She does look a lot like...

You watch a lot of TV for a guy that is a pirate. I discovered this thing called Wi-Fi. So I had it installed on me ship. Yeah? Have you checked? I discovered this thing called Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi? So I had it installed on me ship. Yeah? Have you checked?

It only plays Game of Thrones. Oh. And that's why I refuse to watch Pirates of the Caribbean still. Yeah. Take your word out that it's great. Yeah. You ever been on Meat Spin? Meat Spin?

Yeah, it's a sausage website. Go to meatspin.com. Show him Meat Spin. I can't. Bring the screen down. You can show him. Okay. Am I going to get a fucking...

Show Captain. All he knows is... Do I want to see these? No. You don't want to see this, Captain Jack. It's a classic, though. If you're learning about the internet, you need to see Meat Spin.

You need to see Meat Spin. Oh, the whole website changed. They don't even do it. Oh, no. Lemon classic, though. If you're learning about the internet, you need to see Meat's. Oh, the whole website changed. They don't even do it. Oh, no. Lemon Party. Quick. Captain Jack, hold on. Watch Lemon Party real quick. It's.org, right?

Yeah. I remember. I remember from back in... I'm getting a fucking virus now. They don't have that at Disney. They don't. I'm getting a fucking virus now. They don't have that at Disney. No, they don't. That's why they don't want you to say gay.

Bob Iger's house, they have that. Yeah, that's Bryan Singer's pool party right there. A little old for Bryan Singer. Man, I forgot how classic an image that was. Oh, it's wonderful. For our generation, that was the same as the Iwo Jima picture where they're putting the flag down. It's on the cover of Life. It's on Life magazine.

That's our version of the sailor kissing that girl. How three old queers took the hearts of a nation. I just love that it's an organization. Dot org. It's like, donate! Donate so we can keep sucking dick. Oh, golly.

Back to the Johnny Depp case. I love to make unexpected twists. You left Ms. Heard's employment in 2015. For how many people have you served as a personal assistant? One. That's the same person I work for to this day. I've been with him for six and a half years. Ms. James, have you had any other jobs since... Miss James, I know we're in the middle of a court case, but can you record a JOI for me?

I need a JOI countdown from you right now. Ten. Nine. John, you're seeming stickier than a kangaroo's belly. The pouch of a kangaroo. I feel bad for Captain Jack here. We don't have, he doesn't know what we're watching. He can't hear anything.

Are you hearing? I can tell what we're watching. You can get in. Something about lemon parties. And then any second now, they're going to bring out Exhibit A, and it's going to be some of the footage that you showed me. Right. Makes perfect sense.

Are you good? So you're on track. You're with it. Let's skip, because this isn't even that action-packed right now. Maybe we should get to it. Skip ahead a little bit. This one's two hours. The last one was an hour and a half.

Yeah, this is crazy. Let's get to an hour. They didn't even make a highlight. And why is it so low? I apologize. We can watch highlight tape versions of it. I just figured we'd try and just do the full thing. All right, we'll run through it.

Let me get to a good part. We just turn all the... So in the meantime, what's your opinion of British... You know, the guys that hunt you down. Like the East India Trading Company? Yeah, those fuckers. The Commodores and shit. Yeah.

They never caught me. Oh, yeah. Except for the time they caught me. So they try to... I've been asked that before. They hang you? Yeah, those guys prep. What do they usually do?

They tried to hang me, but I'm already hung. Another, you got a huge cock. Another huge dick joke. I don't know what he's talking about. Yeah, I don't think he was talking about that. What? I'm already hung. I do not have a huge chicken.

I don't know. Oh, you're already dead. That's right. You turned into a skeleton and shit. I saw the Big Mac commercial. No, no, no. It was a different person. Where were you on January 6th,

Captain Jack? I was invading a British capital. Oh, okay. A lot of people don't know about that. Do you prefer the term pirate or privateer?

I never refer to my privates in public. A lot of cock material for a Disneyland guy. That's what I was saying. That's what I'm thinking. Do you realize that Daffy Duck or Donald Duck runs around with a top but no bottoms? That is true. He's got a cloaca. He's got a bath, but when he gets out of the shower, he puts a towel around his bottoms. Explain's got a cloaca. But when he gets out of the shower,

he puts a towel around his bottoms. Explain that one. That's a good question. Captain Jack, is it true that they spell sex in the stars in Lion King, right? Is that true? I don't know. That's some weird shit.

I don't know. He doesn't know. Captain Jack, who do you think took Johnny Gosh? I did. Well, that's we should arrest you. Do you know the Where's Johnny documentary? I'll confess it was me.

Have you ever hung out with Jimmy Savile? Twice. And he still owes me money. Yeah, he owes a lot of people money. He owes a lot of Oh, my God, yeah. He owes a lot of people money. He owes a lot of people a lot more than that. Yeah. Yeah.

You know. Who do you, was it, was Mandalay Bay just an arms deal gone wrong, or what do you think? I should have been in charge of it. Yeah. Of the op. It would have gone a lot better. Yeah, yeah. That Saudi, those Saudi fucks wouldn't have escaped. Accidentally. Right. Yeah, yeah. That Saudi, those Saudi fucks wouldn't have escaped. Accidentally.

Right. I would win. I mean, you'd win. Do you like country music, or was that why you did it? You just hated country music? I only know one country music sensation. He is an old parish friend of mine. His name is Mr. Johnny Cash.

Oh! So you like Cash. I broke him out of Folsom. You got great taste. You got great taste. He's a man. You referred to Amber's apartment. Are you referring to the apartment on Orange Avenue? Yes.

She's got an apartment? Imagine not rich and having a fucking apartment. Well, all these people live in these cities where you have apartments. You've got like 15 apartments. What a loser. Bonafide bum. What a bum. Anything's going through Amber Heard's not my question. My question was just over the course of your employment, you have knowledge.

Everything's going through Amber Heard's head right now. I don't know, but Johnny's head's just full of hate. His head's ringing. His head sounds like a steam whistle. And her well-being on this day? No, because it had become a passion for her, and so I was nearly placating her, I would say. Thank God I took a Valium this morning. That first day was rough. Can I get a goddamn fucking Tylenol?

Oh, my God. It's really hard to hear. Well, she's got a fucked up accent. Waiting with my son, actually. I think it was a Sunday that day, I remember. It's really hard to hear. We had to wait all day. Well, she's got a fucked up accent. Well, no, just the volume is really low for some reason. I went home, and finally she went back to her apartment, and then she wanted me to go back and pack her bag for her at about 10 o'clock at night on Sunday, and I said I couldn't go.

By that point, I'd't go by that point. I'd already spent the whole day sitting there. So I said, I couldn't go and pack her bag because no, you can't. She wanted her to her assistant. Do assistants do that? Are they supposed to go pack?

Are they supposed to go pack your bags for you and shit? Yeah. But it sounds like Amber heard, she said, she's saying I sat outside all night while they were drinking. Then I had to go home because of my daughter. So she's done with work, essentially. And Amber Heard, it sounds like she's implying drunkenly,

was like, I need you to pack my bags. She's like, well, I can't. I'm going home. And she was very angry about that. Very angry. Very angry. She was very angry about that. You know what you did?

She pulled smoke. Lying whore. I'm whore. Smoke of a lying whore. You're goddamn right, Captain Jack. You got it, Captain. You said you were just placating her, right? Amber Heard's like,

if we weren't in court, I'd punch you in the face right now so you you didn't actually think that there was anything um that that amber was actually upset correct as i said it just didn't make sense that she went to the shuttle instead of going home that that was the first red flag forags and they left on you know so you so you you came to the conclusion that day that any she actually wasn't upset

is that what you're saying it's too much and I already answered once I love sass in court yeah did you hear that captain I did

yeah I've already answered that. What do you think of lawyers? I think they look better dead. Oh my god. I agree. Who represents you in the court?

No one. Because the court has never caught me. Not once. Except for the time they caught me. So those East India fucks. I represent myself. Yeah. And all I have to do is smile, look down, pretend like I don't know where I'm at, and

they release me every time. You always do seem to escape when you get captured. Yeah. That's your whole thing. It's kind of your thing. You're slippery. You're slippery. A little bit like a buddy of mine named Bugs. Bunny. Yeah. Bunny, captured. Yeah, that's your whole thing. It's kind of your thing. You're slippery. A little bit like a buddy of mine named Bugs.

Bunny. Yeah. Bunny, right. She's very slippery. They made a cartoon of him. He was a real person. Yeah. With the teeth and everything.

So he was a rabbit. Absolutely. Bipedal rabbit, okay. As far as I remember. What I'm asking is, did you come to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with Miss Heard that day and that she wasn't actually upset? I don't know how to answer that. It's such a strange question. She doesn't know how to answer such a strange question.

Like they said, you already asked. She looks like she doesn't walk. She just gets up and glides around her fucking house. Yeah, she's just a head. She's that chick in the globe on Haunted Mansion. She lives in an aquarium. Her head is just in an aquarium. She takes her fucking scarf off and her head just lops to the side.

Damn, dude. Did you reach the conclusion that day that Miss Heard hadn't experienced anything traumatic? Over the course of the day, I observed Miss Heard enjoying the company of her friends for several hours. That's all I have to say on that matter. Oh, does that upset you, Amber? Would it be odd for someone who's experienced trauma to want to be around friends? To you? Yeah, I don't know.

So, in any event, you... I love this ass. You're right. What'd you say, Captain? I love this ass. I felt my timbers shiver. I know, yeah. She's got so much attitude, though.

Yeah. Like Amber. She seems to still think that somehow she has a case. Yeah, very Ted Bundy-ish. I can't believe that my assistant has the nerve to do this to me. And after all the years that I spit on her and kicked her and threw her out of moving cars. Maybe she's got some good witnesses coming that we don't know about. Is that, you think that's a thing?

Well, I mean, I guarantee you they coached her and they were like this is going to look bad, this is going to look terrible and this is our plan though. They must have some plan. They can find somebody to fucking... Her plan is going to be like, your honor, my first

evidence is, look, public enemies. It sucked. Who really liked Rango, your honor, right? I mean, come on. And then she tries flashing the jury. She's gonna do a bunch of last-ditch efforts. She has nothing. This bitch has nothing. She just walks up.

Call it a mistrial. I'll show you my pussy. Let's go. Yeah. She just walks up and stuffs her panties in the judge's mouth. She's about to plug her OnlyFans on the way out of court today. Hey, jurors, just real quick, check me out. Amber heard 69 on OnlyFans. I'm

innocent. I'm totally innocent. I mean, she is hot. She's fine. She's got that sound of music hair. She's fine. If she was in the sound of music, she'd be a Nazi. She's fine until she starts talking. Right. There we go.

Very good, Captain Jackson. Very good. Cheers to that. We happen to know she's a crazy, violent maniac, so we're just grossed out by her. But if we just saw her and didn't know, fuck, that's one of the hottest chicks I've seen. Calling the violent maniac part kind of a turn-on

for me. I'm going down the path that Johnny went on. Never mind. No, she looks, she is hot, and then you get her and she takes you home and she bashes you over the head with a vase, and then she injects fucking cyanide into your big toe, like Michael Clayton.

And defecates in your bed. And shits in your bed. She's hot enough for me to forgive that. Really? If she shit in my bed, I'd be like, alright. If that was the only thing she did. If that was the only time she did it. She probably got those extra dark She's probably

What about like dark green? She's got those dark, dark black shits because she's on Tylenol and all sorts of Tums. dark green. She's got those dark, dark black shits because she's on Tylenol and all sorts of Tums. She's eating a bunch of fun pills. Her shit's green. Her shit literally looks like night.

It's so dark. It's just disgusting. It's like Venom from Spider-Man. It's Venom, yeah. Venom from Spider-Man. Where do you shit on the boat, Captain? It's called the head. Oh, the head. The very front of the ship.

So the rest of the crew doesn't get to whiff. Might turn them on. Oh, they're like buttholes. What do you think about the term butt pirates? How do you feel about that? Yeah, that's an insult, right? I don't understand what it means. What is this butt pirate?

I've been called this many times. Is it something about the way that I walk? I don't know. I think it's like a homophobic term. It's a homophobic derogatory term. For homosexuals. Gay pirates. Oh, yes.

It just rolls right off of us. Yeah, yeah. Generally, we just kill them afterwards. Yeah. What do you like? You like pistols or sabers? Wow, interesting. I only have a pistol with one shot.

Oh, yes. Now, I used you once before. I keep in that pistol with one shot in case I'm but heard winds that lying hold. You're going to Jack Ruby her ass. It wasn't a threat, FBI. How do I know who that is? How do you know? That's the FBI to you.

You can break character, Captain Jack. You're allowed to break character, Captain Jack. It's 2022. I must know who everything is. You already said you have Wi-Fi in Game of Thrones. It's out of the bag, Captain Jack. It's okay. Come on.

It is 2022 though. I do have an iPhone and a show phone. An iPhone? Dad jokes are also part of my repertoire. They're great. Have you ever seen those, Captain Jack?

I love it. Captain Jack, do you ever see yourself have you ever found those big dog t-shirts? You ever seen the big dog t-shirts online? You should start wearing those. They're for dad joke, guys. You should get a kiss the cook apron. You should become like a yuppie. I like it.

Have you ever thought about... I can just go around telling dad jokes. Have you ever thought about a different life for yourself? Aren't you dirty? Don't you feel dirty all the time? Well, you know where I keep all my dad jokes, right? In my dadabank. I feel like that was an original of you as a person.

You know, I gotta say... They're gonna kick me out now. I don't think that was Captain Jack. I don't care. I think that was you. You can do no wrong. That was you. You've charmed us.

That's what you do at fucking Easter. That's what you do. That's just when you're out of character. You say those jokes to your family at Easter. I love wine. Sometimes I even put it in my food. I would love to see the real you. Enough of the charade, Captain

Jack. Just leave it all off. And end up on Lemon Drop. LemonParty.org He's still learning. He's still learning. He's still learning. He's new to the modern era.

We just taught him Lemon Party. I was going to eat later. Thanks for that. It's all good. We all have to see it. Alright. What's this line? I wonder what Captain Jack would think about modern pirates. Oh, like Somalis. Did you see Captain Phillips, Captain Jack? I wonder what Captain Jack would think about modern pirates. Oh, like Somalis.

Like Somalian pirates. Did you see Captain Phillips, Captain Jack? I'm the captain now. I see. Yeah, I see. Very good. So you're aware. Oh, I've seen it, and I think the Somali pirates are doing a heck of a job.

Keep getting killed doing what you love. Yeah. I'm beautiful. Oh, interesting, yeah. Do you think your crew would completely wipe out the Somalis, right? No, they have very fast guns. Yeah, they're machine guns. Much better guns.

Yeah, they destroy you. You're right. Yeah, you're right. What is my pistol going to do against those? But you guys are already dead. You guys have, like, the power of the afterlife on your side. No, no, no. I'm immortal, but I'm not dead.

Right, right. And you're crafty as hell. You're drunk, but you're sort of an athlete. I do tend to get away with a lot, don't I? Yeah. Come on. You're kind of lucky, but you're also athletic and you're smart. You're drunk, but you're smart.

I like this guy. I think he wants me to tip him after this. You versus like a Navy SEAL sniper team, right? When did they train SEALs to be snipers? What would you have done if you're on that fucking lifeboat and you had Captain Phillips in front of you and you need to get money?

I would chop off the back of my hair, lash together a couple of sea turtles, and sail away, scot-free. Period. You would have done it. Yeah, that seems a couple of sea turtles and sail away. Scott free. Period. He would have done it. Yeah, that seems like it would work. Yeah, perfect. Captain Jack, do you think it's a good thing Chris Kyle's dead?

Oh, is this the bloke that was a sniper? Yes. God, you've seen a lot of movies for a pirate. He took somebody to a shooting range and that somebody shot him. They shot him, yeah. Ironic. I can sympathize. That's happened to me.

Yeah. I'm not supposed to prove it. Oh. Yeah. Did you hear about Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie? Yeah, what do you think about that? I mean, obviously, it's Brian Laundrie is an innocent man, and he was persecuted by this country

because we've gone against men for years on end, and he was just a victim of the Me Too movement, and he wound up killing himself because, you know, he... Gabby, yeah, so we think Gabby... I don't think I know any of those people. You've never heard of Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito? I don't think so. This one is eluding me.

All right. What do you think about Tower 7? Let me refresh your memory, Captain Jack, okay? Fall down by itself? Yeah. Oh, that theory. Yeah, Tower 7. I honestly have no comment on that.

Okay. But it is suspicious. As I commented. I did edit loose change. Loose change is basically what I watch every single day when I'm not watching Game of Thrones. Captain Jack, have you seen the new Pearl Harbor? I have.

Unbelievable. This is my favorite guy of all time. I have. You've really seen the new Pearl Harbor? Ben Affleck was amazing. Oh, my God. Come on. Come on.

I fell right for it. It's new to me, all right? It's new to me. Oh my God. Come on. Come on. I fell right for it. It's new to me. All right. It's new to me. Come on. It's a six hour 9-11 doc. Get with it, Captain Jack. Love movie story as opposed to focusing on what happened at Pearl Harbor.

I mean, Michael Bay nailed it. Yeah. What do you think about Brendan Schaub and the homeless cats? No idea who any of those people are. Okay. Had to ask. Do you think the comedy store would be better if they let the sexual abusers back in?

Oh, yes. They were much funnier than the current folks. And now they're all going to kick me out. Oh, no. it's great. No, you just gained our loyalty for a minute. We love you. What do you think of the show Louis? Yeah, what do you think of Louis C.K.?

He was persecuted wrongly, right? I mean, he's nothing wrong, really, right? I mean, come on. He's a goof. He was goofy. There's going to be a little bit of a character break, but nobody, other than George Carlin and Richard Pryor, obviously, nobody is funnier.

Nobody makes rum fly out my nose like Louis C. Woo! Louis C.K. and Worcester Australian chat. Jim Jefferies? Jim Jefferies, I love that. Oh, well, it's a spectrum but yeah Louis CK is like

I just died like I was so sad that he was cancelled sorry but for the record I listen to him on the old Pandora all the time hell yeah actually I was listening to him all the old Pandora all the time. Hell yeah. Oh, my God.

Actually, I was listening to him all the way here. Oh, my God. What? True story. We love loyal dogs of war. Pirate wouldn't lie. I love Captain Jack Sparrow. This is the greatest pirate of all time.

This is my favorite pirate of all time. I love me too. He loves himself. It's a beautiful story. God, you kick ass. A little too much. Yeah. What if I just... That one's for you too, by the way. We all know Bill...

You don't want that? Okay. Yeah. No, it's gross. They're disgusting. All good. Okay. So now that we have you being open and honest here honest Bill Cosby that was all lies right as Jim Jeffries

once said and this is going to probably get me into a little bit of trouble if as he said if I was going to be raped I would want it to be Bill Cosby just kind of wake up and then you see his to be raped, I would want it to be Bill Cosby.

You just kind of wake up and then you see his face with the brain in the reaper's mouth. I mean, how could you not want that? As rapes go. It's a bit for the wicked. Can you switch to Bill Cosby for the rest of the podcast? Do it again.

Can we request Bill Cosby? Do we have the podcast? No. Can we request Bill Cosby? Do we have to go back to gig salad? You know you're going to get jello pudding afterwards. Oh, fuck. I'll never do a family gig again. No families watch this. Don't worry about it. You're fine.

Captain Jack, sincerely, you've never Sincerely, you've never heard of Brian Laundrie, Gabby Petito I mean, they took the nation by storm This name has eluded me Alright, let's play it for you Laundrie's body has been found The discovery follows weeks of speculation About the 23-year-old's whereabouts

Also breaking tonight The FBI says that the skeletal remains found in a nature preserve in Florida on Wednesday are, in fact, those of Brian Laundrie. Rest in peace. Law enforcement had considered Laundrie the only person of interest in the murder of his fiancée, Gabby Petito. Fake news. The discovery comes one day after a stunning update from the FBI, which held a press conference

outside of this Florida nature preserve. Investigators found what appears to be human remains, along with personal items such as a backpack and notebook belonging to Brian Laundrie. In a statement on Thursday, the FBI says comparisons of dental records confirmed the human remains found are those of Laundrie. An attorney for Laundrie's parents also released this statement. Chris and Roberta Laundrie have been informed that the remains found yesterday in the reserve are indeed Brian's. We have no further comment at this time and we ask that you respect the Laundrie's privacy at this time.

On Wednesday, it was reported that Laundrie's father had gone to the nature preserve looking for signs of his son. So we know that this is an area that had been previously submerged. So just what initially happened was they were on a van life road trip in the middle of the pandemic. This guy and his girlfriend and they were in a van and they were vloggers like they were trying to get big on Instagram by like, hey, we're here. We're camping here. And a week before she went missing, they had footage from the... Where were they? Dash cam.

They got pulled over. Utah? Yeah. In Utah. The Utah police pulled them over. There was like a little domestic dispute. But they were actually going to charge Gabby with domestic violence. Because apparently she was hitting him while he was driving.

She was the primary aggressor. She was the primary aggressor. Is Gabby not Amber Hood? It could have, you know. It could have, yeah. I mean,

I think, you know, I think, I think Gabby Petito was, was fucking inspired by Amber. I think she, I've never heard of this. This sounds awful.

This is crazy. You never heard of this. This is a big deal. What we, what we think happened is probably they got to the campsite they went to. She didn't understand survival stuff. She went too far into the desert, and she got probably picked apart by coyotes. And then they drove Laundrie to suicide because they falsely accused him of...

Well, the coyote strangled her. That's the thing. I never would have thought that would be a punchline for a laugh. And then she got strangled. You know, you gotta laugh at life, eh? Because we're just lying about it. She was an innocent woman that was killed by her boyfriend. We're just completely

misrepresenting the case to you. I thought, no lying whores. I don't know. This gentleman is lying. I seem innocent and I lie all the time. I mean, no, I don't. Oh, pirates never lie. Alright, I guess let's get... He's non-stop.

You missed the one-liner. I didn't get the liner. That was fantastic. Not overtime. It was a Sunday. I was not being paid. No. Did you...

I kind of want to show Captain Jack the Jim Jefferies beige frequency. It's a little too long. It's too long for now, but... It'd be eye-opening to you. Yeah, Jim Jefferies... I know there's something not right with him.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. He seems a bit off. He kind of goes wherever the wind blows. He has a bit of a... He's maybe a thief. Maybe stole some jokes from doug stanhope

little spineless then he got a show at comedy central all of a sudden he was woke even though he's you know admitted to having sex with fucking 17 year olds on the radio back in the day and having all sorts of stories that nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about still super popular louis c k isn't. All he ever did was ask women if he can please himself in front of them. At least he asked. I know. He didn't Bill Cosby

them. There's just my take on it. Men are awful. Don't listen to me. Completely remarkable how well you fit in. You can see Captain Jack at California Adventure tomorrow. You can see Captain Jack being escorted out of Disneyland by Mickey himself. I mean, let's be honest.

Disneyland's a pretty pedophilic place, right? Yeah, fuck those people. Come on. Well, pedophiles go there. They don't deserve you. Pedophiles love Disneyland, right, Captain Jack? I mean, you're there all the time. I mean, you must see them, these fat pedophiles.

Not you. What do you imply? I'm saying you must see these fatsos and the Mickey hats and shit. Honestly, I wouldn't doubt. I'll put it this way. That wouldn't be a place they would not go to. Do you have like a game with the other pirates at Disney World where you're like, okay, pedophile? Never been to Disney World.

Oh, right, right, right. Smart. What about if you're just in the Caribbean? If you're just in the Caribbean and you see someone like pedophile. Oh, no. We pirates, we don't put up with that. No women, no kids. No women, no kids.

It depends on the woman. Amber heard the lie. She deserves a few things, but I would never advocate violence against her. Just maybe being stuck in the stockades for the rest of her life. What if she was in front of a cannon? And she just happened to be there. An accident.

She was running at you with a knife. Self-defense is a whole other ballgame. Seeing as what she's capable of doing, I would need two cannons. Yeah. Would you have a problem hitting her? Would I have a problem hitting her? Oh!

I would! The only way that I would hit her is if she was trying to kill me and or somebody that I sort of like. Sort of like. Interesting. Johnny Depp. Yeah.

You're talking about Johnny Depp. Is that that pretty guy right there? Yeah, look at this fucking... God, what a fucking hug. He hangs out in a secret window somewhere. Stephen King, shout out. That's very good, Captain Jack. Very good.

Knows Jim Jefferies, doesn't know Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp? No, he knows him. Maybe it's selective knowing. Yes, yes. He's got way more money than I do, and I'm a bit jealous. Fair enough, fair enough. Alright, I guess we keep continuing.

I'm Johnny Depp. Captain Jack. Captain Jack. Captain Jack. You're a fucking card. You clever bastard. You lush. What are you doing after this? You want to get fucked up?

Are you asking me out? Yes. We are. I'm on land to have fun. Not that kind of fun. No, no, no. I would take you up on it on another day, but I have a bonnie lass waiting for me on me ship.

Oh. Really? I mean, no, I don't. Oh, okay. I'm just picturing walking in a red lion with Captain Jack. I want to go to a red Lion with Captain Jack Sparrow. That would be the coolest fucking thing. Like, I'll do another gig salad just to get hammered with you.

As Captain Jack. We'll pay you. Can we hire you next week just to get drunk with you? Yeah, let's go to an Asian massage parlor. You wouldn't have to hire me. I go get drunk with you cats anytime. Oh, what a guy. Oh, amazing.

What a legend. Captain Jack, have you heard of a new room massage? No, anyway. You had me at massage. Who is she and does she give

happy endings? That's the whole thing. That's the whole point. Have you heard of a milking station? No. It's like, imagine they just cut

like a hole in the table. It's like if the hole was in this table and you stick your fucking dick through it and they give you a massage and then somebody under there jacks you off. Under the like, imagine they just cut a hole in the table. It's like if the hole was in this table and you stick your fucking dick through it and they give you a massage and then somebody under there jacks you off. Under the hole milks you. Wait, wait, wait.

Hang on a teak. So basically you've got to go through all that just to get an old-fashioned? Yeah. That doesn't sound appealing. Is that a handjob? I guess a handjob is an old-fashioned. That's a term. Yeah, yeah.

That's a new one for me. I love that. I've never heard that. It's a new term for you, old term for me. I'm a new one for me. I love it. You've never heard that? It's a new term for you, old term for me. I'm going to start using it. I love it. Tall girl,

give me an old-fashioned. Give me an old-fashioned. Hey, babe, how about an old-fashioned? 40 Up Street for an old-fashioned. That's the Disney version of mentioning that particular act.

It's somehow dirtier than just saying like handjob. act. It's somehow dirtier than just saying handjob. It's way dirtier. Where are you going today, Captain Jack? I'm going to go get you an old-fashioned. They don't know. They think it's a drink. They think it's a cocktail.

I'm going to go get me an old-fashioned. Captain Jack, have you been to Koreatown? No. Where is it? A lot of Jackown? No A lot of Jack Shacks A lot of Jack Shacks You get a lot of old fashions over there I think I need to hang out with you a lot more Rub maps by the way Pirates love maps

You should check out rub maps You all know, wait, I'm taking your internet privileges away from you. That's the greatest treasure map on earth. It is. The internet brings together such fine people. Anyway, let's show Captain Jack

two kids in the sandbox. I guess. Two girls, one cup. Two girls, one cup. Two girls, one cup. Two kids in the sandbox is when they're shoving a fucking, like, a pear down a kid's dick hole. Should we do a joker? Don't subject him to anything more.

An actual kid? No, not a kid. Not a kid. I didn't just say, like, there's a famous video. It's like man's dick, and he's shoving, like, a thing in his dick hole. What do you think about shilting? Play Two Girls, One Cup. The gig salad request said,

I've heard shovings in dick holes. You should have incorporated that in the gig salad. This is Two Girls, One Cup. This is, like, another staple. Captain Jack, you have to know Two Girls, One Cup. Captain Jack, come on. They must have this in the Caribbean. We all have to view this.

What the hell? I can't do this. Devin keeps getting viruses. This is like... Oh, here it is. Two Girls, One Cup. Here we go. I hope this isn't very good.

This is actually... Turn it down. Oh, no. No. No. No. Just watch There's no way Chocolate ice No, it's not. It's not. It's real. It's shit. It's shit. That's terrible.

That's shit. That's shit. We're shot. We're shot. We're shot, Jack. We're officially shot. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Oh, God. I want to know. You guys all win the award for strangest gig I've ever done. Congratulations. No, we don't. We're all around. Cheers.

Cheers, Captain Jack Cheers Joey give me a drink There's beers over there I need one too Oh fuck me We're all out Well you know we didn't really get to anything

In the case today But we had the great Captain Jack We did establish that Ember Hood is a lying whore. That's all we need. Perfect. Perfect. Very good.

Perfect. I don't know. I guess, you know. I like how when we're out of booze, we're just like, okay, well, let's just shut the whole thing down. We're done. That's what I call a quits with Seth.

I understand. Are you good with staying beyond the 45? I can stay a bit. You know, I don't want to be back anytime soon, but eventually she will come looking for me, and you thought Amber Heard was tough. All right, I guess let's get into a little more. Just bail whenever you've got to bail.

Yeah, whenever you've got to leave. Cops involved in the next 15, 20 minutes. Yeah. No, no. Now, we've done... At this point, no more. Let's watch a beheading, though, Captain Dick. The next 15, 20 minutes. Yeah. No, no. Now, we've done... At this point... No more. Let's watch a beheading, though, real quick.

Still would be better than the cup thing. You know what I wanna know? How that girl had that type of consistency of shit coming out of her. They shoved fudge up her ass, man. It's not real. Oh, really? CGI. Not CGI. How do they shove fudge up her ass, man. It's not real. Oh, really? CGI. Not CGI.

How do they shove fudge up your ass? Yeah, like a tube. It's like chicks. She probably gets fisted every day. It's not that hard to shove. Here's the deal. You get a cold life, you eat shit. Yeah.

So it's got to be fake, you know? No, it's not. Especially for the fact that it was just way too, like... We saw it in her ass. Yeah, it was too perfect. It looked like a Mr. Softy or something. It showed it coming out of her ass. Well, I'm sure that's probably what happened,

but what did come out? Now this is what we're discussing. All right, we're going to... We are going to get to the bottom of this right now. Yes, the bottom was part of the joke. Very good, very joke. Very good. Very good. Very good.

But no, either way, it was in her ass. Captain Jeff. It was still in her ass. It was in her ass. They shoved the chocolate up her ass, and then it comes out, and then the girl eats it. But there's still remnants of shit around that. But I mean, like, you've never licked an asshole before? No.

Cleaning out the bleaching. It's still enema. Enema. Yeah. Not that I've ever had one.aching? It's still enema. Enema. Yeah. Not that I've ever had one. Whatever. It's real, though. It's not like CGI.

I'll tell you that. For sure it's not CGI. I don't know how we get back into this case. How do we do that? I don't want to get back into the case. It doesn't matter. We're hanging out. Captain Jack, I hope you stay, but you're welcome to go whenever you want.

We're going to keep going. Keep going? Yeah. And, you stay, but you're welcome to go whenever you want. We're going to keep going. Keep going? Yeah. And, you know, that's it. Many years from now, I'm going to recall the time that I got to witness, you know, spend time in a studio and watch Johnny Depp and Amber Heard and then shit coming out of anuses. And I'm going to recall the time that we recorded a man get fired from Disneyland.

I think we both have something to remember here. They really don't let you play this stuff for the kids? Here's a secret. I don't work for Disney. No, no, he does not work for Disney. No, no, no. You're more of a Six Flags guy. Not very far. Not very far.

Not very far. There we go. Yeah. Food is not my thing. Did you, would you put that on Miss Hurts tab that day? Everything was on Dex tab. What'd you say, Captain? The Game of Thrones queen.

Does it look like me? No, it does look exactly like her. I know who you're talking about. I'm literally looking at her and I'm thinking it's her cousin.

She's hot. Lannister. She's really hot. Cersei Lannister. Cersei. The brother fucker. I said it. Listen.

That's all right. You got Knott's Berry Farm. It's Knott's Berry Farm. Knott's Berry Farm is like our- They're all about hillbillies. Knott's Berry doesn't have the money to be like trolling the internet, watching our podcast. No, this is not completely safe. You're good, Captain Jack.

You're good. It's like protected by satire laws. Captain Jack was never supposed to be a role model anyway. It's really funny when I get hired for birthday parties. I'm like, oh, you want your kid to meet me? Teach him how to wench. The name of the episode is Knott's Berry Farm Employee

Comes On Podcast, but besides that, I don't think they'll catch you. It's named Knott's. I like it. Parody law is airtight and you couldn't be safer. You're fine. I've been doing this for too long. Yes.

Don't touch me. Take that, Mickey. Fuck him. Did you have any concern whatsoever about Miss Hurd's well-being that day? No. When was the first time you remember? He's chewing on Xanax. It's actually nicotine gum.

He's hardcore. I thought I smoked a lot. Yeah? You smoke weed? It depends. I'm more of a rum guy, but sometimes late at night I like to hit my vaporizer. Me too.

So you've got vaporizers on you. Yeah. Which is legal, Disney. like to hit my vaporizer. Me too. So you got vaporizers on the sleep. Yeah. The THC. Which is legal, Disney. It is. It's recreationally legal. Yeah. I use it for medicinal purposes. Captain Jack, you ever done like mushrooms or acid? Yeah.

You ever done like meth? For the record, I have never done meth. This isn't... I'll even use my civilian voice. I have never done meth. Or heroin. Or crack. However, I have...

You're going to prove. I have hallucinogens. Okay, there we go. There we go. That's his third eye. That's very... That's good. He broke character.

He goes that way to one damn minute. Hold on. I can deal with shit. I can deal with Steven Paddock! Odd didn't break character. That was me practicing my California accent. There we go. Okay.

That's... Paul wasn't right in the relationship between her and Mr. Depp. I don't recall exactly when it started, but it was usually her complaining and crying. And bitching. She's constantly bitching and throwing pots at the guy. She would be very, very insecure a lot of the time,

and she would call me up crying. I remember one time she called me when she was alone in New York City, and she was crying, walking around the street, crying. And he wasn't there. Captain, say you had a guy, one of your pirates on your ship, and he had a problem with a woman, and he just started crying to you about it. How would you treat that? You know what I mean?

Well, you know, there's a simple way to treat that. You put your arm around them, you walk with them, lead them to the edge. And you throw them off. And then throw them off. Oh, man, you would've loved Brian Laundrie. So there's no whiners on the boat. Yes, especially to

the captain. Yeah. John, do you have, like, specific boat. Yes, especially to the captain. Yeah. Good. John, do you have specific advice that you want to ask the captain? It sounds like you're going through something. I mean, you know. No, no, no. Seriously, I'm there for you. What can I do? How can Captain Jack Sparrow be there for me?

Have you ever dated a woman with a borderline personality disorder? Oh, yes. Outside, Captain Jack told me some stories, actually. Well, yes, he actually had. Every single one of them, as far as I'm concerned. No, I'm kidding. Yes, I have them. Yeah, and how, you know, when they just...

It wasn't easy. No. I mean, like I said, I'm not only Captain Jack. I'm also here to advise you on your love life. I mean, who better than me to come to? You're honestly doing a better job than my therapist. You know how much luck I have with women. Yeah, you're sailing the seas.

No, yes. Honestly, of all the ones that I have dealt with, I think Bd is the most wow see that's the thing how do you how do you even deal with it you don't you get pots thrown at you and you know i just left when it happened to me you just realized that there was nothing i could do about this whole situation yeah but the sexed okay it was wild I believe the fifth John are you absorbing the advice I am honestly my old therapist kept calling me Jim

she didn't know my name you refer to me as Johnny it's a good name I try Jack is John I think I may retain your services a little bit It's a good name. Yeah, I try. Solid. Yeah, I mean, we have this Jack is John, you know. And, you know, I think I may retain your services a little bit. Anytime, Jim. Okay.

Anytime. He's very quick. This guy's like Steve Harvey. That's great. Steve was going to sign because I was worried that the couple I was in would take a photo of her, and she was in a very dysregulated state. And so just out of kindness, I said to her, it's better if she went inside rather than walking around crying in public.

I remember that, but I don't remember exactly when that was. It might have been 2012 or 2013. Have you seen the Budweier tip? That's a great question. Captain Jack needs to see the Bud Dwyer tape? That's a great question. Captain Jack needs to see the Bud Dwyer. This we can keep up, I think. Well, the thing is, is the court case is, you know. What we realized when, like, you kept referring to the fact that, you know,

you don't know a lot of modern things, and we just want to. It was a slow day. This could be a new series, Current Affairs with Captain Jack. Yeah, we'll show you,'t know a lot of modern things and we just want to... This could be a new series, Current Affairs with Captain Jack. Yeah, we'll show you. Now, let's just set up who Bud Dwyer was. Can you play this on the fucking thing?

I mean, it's on YouTube. Alright, let's get it. Well, no. We're not going to show this. But you'll see it, Captain Jack, and you better fucking watch. This is up there with Lemon Party. Somebody explain what's going on.

Budweiser was a newsman for this. No, he's a politician. A politician. How long ago was this? The 80s. Oh, okay. Late 80s, maybe early 90s. And he was going to go to prison.

He was falsely accused. Falsely accused. So Brian Laundrie was guilty. He was actually falsely accused of embezzlement or something? Some shit. White collar crime. But anyways, it looked like he was going to jail. He got convicted and he was being sentenced.

And it was wrongful. Yeah, it was actually wrongful. He didn't do it and he had no clue what to do, and he was just at his wits' end. And that's this guy right here. Look at him. A very happy guy. Yeah, he does seem pleasant. You just watch this video, Captain Jack Sparrow.

I will. In 1986, State Treasurer Bud Dwyer was convicted of bribery and was to be sentenced. Yes! Let's still watch it. Why don't we all watch it again? Because I haven't seen it in a while.

I haven't seen it in a while. I kind of have to watch it every quarter. I watch it every morning. This beats the whole cup. Yeah. There he goes. Can you imagine watching TV and this happens?

Yeah, I just said, like, it's a little sensitive. Do you want to do it? And I was like sole purpose of YouTube. They allow just Yeah, I just said like it's a little sensitive. Do you want to do it? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, you know. You better down that rum before you get to this.

What the fuck was that? That video sucked. And you gotta go to like LiveLeak for the real shit. It's very possible that YouTube's sensitive if it involves

actual death and destruction. Yeah, I think Captain Jack is right. Disney censored my life with those bloody pirates. Captain Jack knows the YouTube terms and conditions better than us. You ever see a man get hit by a cannon? Like a cannonball?

What's that like? Do they just disappear? I'm not supposed to laugh about that. It depends. In general, what ends up happening is that they blow apart on the inside, but the skin still keeps the bones there, so they just end up looking like Plastic Man. Oh my god.

How did I know who Plastic Man is? I still can't believe how good this costume is. Oh, it's not a costume. I'm sorry, this is fucking... God damn, I did it, Devin. I did it, Devin. That's your actual clothes. This is for Halloween. Ninjas. Ninjas. God damn it, I can't find the goddamn... It's your actual clothes. You know what Todris is for Halloween? Ninjas.

Ninjas. God damn it. I can't find the goddamn... It's so authentic looking. It's like... It's very possible that they decided to... I can't find this goddamn footage. Well, you know what?

What we can do is... I've seen it before. All right. You've seen it. You've seen it. At least you've seen it before. That's all we wanted to know. I didn't recognize the name, but the moment I saw his face...

If you've seen it... I remember he just kind of... Yeah, and then it came out of his nose. Yeah, he does the He really bled a lot. If you're going to go, do it in front of everyone. How would you do it? I don't like it.

Well, Captain Jack's already dead. Oh, that's right. I'm not dead, I'm immortal. Right, so it wouldn't do it. You kids out there listening, drink plenty of rum, and you'll live as long as me. What other advice do you have for children? If a man, if Jim Jefferies approaches, no, I'm just kidding.

Stay away from Bill Cosby. Yeah. Don't let him give you any Jell-O pudding. What would you say to the kids who want to move to L.A. to follow their dreams? I actually was asked this before, and this is what I told them. Los Angeles is littered with the corpses of once-upon-a-time actors. Turn around and go back.

Hell yeah. Yeah, you're right. Fuck yeah, dude. End up on Skid Row trying to be on freaking Ellen DeGeneres or something. The realest pirate of all time. You think that I became famous because I'm good? No, this is a gift from God. Yeah.

You know how you run and you do the thing in the arms? The lizard. The lizard run. I want to see you running through lines of tents. The lizard through water. On the water. The lizard copied me like Johnny Depp. I want to see you running down Wall Street in Skid Row just through lines of tents.

Like Charlottesville, but it's Jack Sparrow. Just like crackheads coming out. Some guy without pants on smoking a pipe. You're just like, ooh. That'd be great. That sounds like a Captain Jackass stunt. Exactly. Very good.

Captain Jack Sparrow. Very good job. I don't know why Captain went in front of me. Captain Jack Sparrow. Very good job, buddy. I don't know why Captain went in front of me. Captain Jack Sparrow, can you tell our listeners or the people to listen to the Hate Watch podcast and to rate it on

iTunes? So this is Hate Watch? Hate Watch, yeah. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to know all the up-to-date things about everything with a little bit of a rated RX slant, watch Hatewatch. I love that. Subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Hatewatch podcast.

Patreon.com slash hatewatchpodcast. Patreon.com slash hatewatchpodcast. And Captain Jack, just so you know, Devin here, he has a problem where he goes to these truck stops. Yes, this is true. And we can't get him to stop going there. And he gets paid money to give old fashions to some of the truckers. Everybody has to make a living. We're trying to get him to stop. We're asking your advice.

Why would you stop him? We've done that. We've pulled him out of a million trucks. It's more of a love of the game type of thing. My question is, how have you gone through a million and you don't have a hook for a hand? Do you get it?

But no, so the Patreon... How much jergons do you go through a million and you don't have a hook for a hand? But no, so the Patreon... How much jergens do you go through in a year? I mean, I have a new blister every night. So that's why the Patreon... Nightmare of my life. You need this wrapping. Yeah, give me that wrap. Put that...

I don't wear this for my hair. Yeah, but that's why... It's not fashion. It's old-fashioned. So the truck stops. But that's why It's not fashion. It's old fashioned. For the truck stops. But that's why the Patreon's important. I don't even know

if you want to but if you want to say your social media I'll give you my address if you want to switch from truck stops to marinas. There we go.

Okay. Alright. If you want to know who I am and who I am I'm not giving any information because I don't want to be affiliated with these scouts. No I am and who I am, I'm not giving any information because I don't want to be affiliated with these scouts.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm Captain Jack Live on Instagram. I follow him on Instagram. It's a great page. He kicks ass on there. Go follow him. There's some fun stuff on there.

This guy rocks. It's not his... He kicks ass. It's more PG-13, but mostly PG. You know what the real market is? If you want to start making money, Captain Jack, you just got to be alt-right. Alt-right Captain Jack.

How about you just turn into the alt-right Captain Jack? Alt-right. I see you on Candace Owens. I see you on Ben Shapiro. Why don't you do a Dave Rubin interview? Ben Shapiro looks like one of those talking ventriloquist dummies. And in that Weasley voice, I can't take him seriously. I couldn't take him seriously anyways.

But besides that, does he not look like a ventriloquist dummy? He does. I don't make fun of people's looks, but his looks are silly. His sister has huge tits, though. Have you seen the nudes of his sister? Captain Jack, look at Ben Shapiro's sister. Those aren't real nudes. Sean, shut up.

Is this going to be like a... Oh, no. Is this going to be Ben Shapiro's head on somebody's head? No, it's like... There was a report that Ben Shapiro's sister had leaked nudes, and these are the pictures, and she's like the hottest nudes. Look at these milkers. I recognize the eyebrows, so this is all they'd go.

Look at that. Those tits are full of black on black crime statistics. Oh, fuck. Holy hell. Unbelievable. Anyway, so look at that, G.S. We've given Captain Jack all we can here. Captain Jack, you kicked so much ass.

Thank you so much for being here, man. Hey, you guys are amazing. This is definitely the funnest time I've had in a long time. I have fun everywhere, even when I'm not having fun, but this was actually really fun. Thank you. That's beautiful. You're awesome. Thank you for coming.

Thanks for listening, folks. We'll be back next week. Thank you, Captain Jack. We'll have a Patreon out soon again. We'll keep going through the court shit. We're keep going through the court shit. And we're going to do the court shit with our real podcast. We just thought this would be a fun thing to do. I just shook the hand of Truck Stop Boy. Anyone else?

Truck Stop Boy. He made me shake his hand last. And they all set me up. They all shook my hand first so I would get his ass. All right. Thanks for listening, folks. Thank you, guys. Bye.

That was fucking awesome. That was awesome, man.