Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Mulligan (ft. Ian Fidance)

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

The amazing Ian Fidance joins the show to talk about his crazy drug fueled past, trans prostitutes, conspiracy theories and then almost paralyzes himself. Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow Ian: https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate you much, and I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. Hillary. You a big Hillary guy, Ian? Oh yeah, I got a tattoo of her. Yeah? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. you got all of pete davidson's tattoos i know yeah well both our dads died when we were eight but i don't fucking milk it to get shit no it's incredibly tragic and i feel for him yeah so immensely indeed right if anyone knows it's pain it's it's you. I don't care about anyone's dad dying unless it was in 9-11.

Well, time for me to start lying. I don't know why you don't. I would say my dad died in Pearl Harbor. Oh, wow. I like how I look like Ian's giant son next to him. Oh, I love that. You guys look like Fabergé eggs.

Like the small one or the big one. We're a Russian nesting doll. And we only have the big one and the big one. We're a Russian nesting doll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we only have the big one and the tiny one. All the other ones are missing. Are we recording? Yeah, we're on. Oh, I love that.

Right? It's just a conversation. Just jump in. I don't like when people are like, all right, welcome to the... Welcome back. We're here with Ian Finance. You know, we've never met.

Good zoos. Yeah. Dude, your house is amazing. This is such a, can I tell you, I hate LA and every piece of shit around here, except for the friends I already have and like the friends of their friends. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone else sucks.

And the fucking traffic blows, obviously. No, nothing on earth there. I've never heard of that before. traffic blows obviously no nothing on earth there and uh but i drive with new york attitude dude i was bobbing and weaving zipping and zopping threading the needle dude i'm fucking like dude i made screeching tire noises because i went through a red light yeah it felt so good i just got a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, passing these fucking losers with a mask on, alone in a car,

worrying about a fucking disease. It wasn't even real. I know. That's nice that you're someone finally saying. Yeah. They probably thought you were Armenian. Yeah. Hello.

That's like our city's Puerto Ricans. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Except way, way more hated. And they don't hit any home runs. Do they play loud music they uh yeah they play like like loud like trap music and they celebrate their uh genocide like every year and they like block all the streets and shit yeah they have a big parade

they do it like the puerto rican yeah oh whoa except it's yeah it's not like lie and they're very segregated stabby um no it's the asses are the same they just yeah they kind of make people uh tired with their cologne you kind of yeah that's that's their weapon of choice dude i didn't know that like brea is full like um you know like cholos and stuff oh yeah yeah uh anaheim is kind of like uh the hispanic part of la where they're all like conservative and like they'll like report like their family members to like ice no wonder i loved them they're like the trump supporting like mexicans dude i've been killing with a cholo joke and uh that's the area do you want to hear it yeah yeah next topic okay what what's a cholo call a cow with three legs what not even

dude crush it do you ever play clay's joke about uh cholo's this guy we did open mics oh yeah do you want to tell it yeah he goes like like uh this is a hispanic girl responding to a joke i just made stupid and then he had another joke that was like I'm gonna create a dating app for chillos called okay stupid like I'll go out with you but you stupid though genius that's incredible now you're doing comedy in like the fun part of LA like if you were over here it's like they get real yeah they get real sensitive and I didn't do any comedy while I was in LA I was like I'd much rather just kind of like

hang out and not be like I didn't do any comedy while I was in LA. I was like, I'd much rather just kind of like hang out and not be like, I have to get up at the Blee Blop. Well, those suburbs, like I call like, it's like to me, like I guess I'm like an LA elitist because I'm like in the city. So it's always just been like a freeway off-ramp town where I'm just like, you get off and there's just you know, lots of Dave and Busters.

Well, that's Delaware. Delaware is a drive-thru state. So everyone's like, I'm driven through Delaware, but I've never stopped. It's like, people don't even think it's a state. People are like, what part of Pennsylvania is that in? What city is that? You stupid

disrespectful bitch. You're doing shows to fun people. Although I think your show tonight might be canceled because they all just got indicted in the January 6th. Yeah, what's going on with that? I don't know. It's just a big distraction from gas being $8. Dude, I just, 40 bucks

have filled up half a tank. Yeah, I know. It's insane. But thank God we gave all that money to you great night, fella. You're supposed to think. What do you think? Chime in once in a while. Are you just a fucking mannequin that sits here as a seat filler? What the fuck is this? He picks his spots.

I can't keep up with that. I mean, what am I going to do? Talk over everybody? He's the opiate of the show. Occasionally he goes, hold on, hold on, hold on. We need to take a caller, Ian. All right, shut up.

I got to read jokes from the internet. This is my show. This is my show. All right, let's go to pal talk. Greg from Cincinnati had a funny thing to say. Greg says Ian's retarded and gay. Correct, Greg.

Let me prove it to you. Great job, Opie. Yeah. And then Anthony's just shining a gun in the corner. On his seventh bloodline. Anthony's painting one of his guns white. He's trying to make it look like a replica of the shooter of Buffalo. He's got big red mammy lips on the barrel.

And he's just in the corner miming the stomping scene from American History X. Like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm working out. I'm minding business. That's how he works out. I got to do 40 stomps every morning. Practicing curb stomps at a 24-hour fitness. He went and stomped the yard on opening night for all the wrong reasons.

He grabs a dumbbell and then just does this 40 times. I got to do my 50. He goes, this really gets the muscle going. I got to look in the mirror and do my 50 you're not welcome. You see this? It means you're not welcome you see this it means you're not well yeah god damn yeah lifting across is a really good workout guys it's like flipping a tire it is oh yeah you and i were talking about this like because we've never met but we i feel like i know you yeah you're like i don't know you're like the people's comic you're like this like very positive figure online to me

i don't know if anyone's ever told you that, but you really do. I've never met you, but I'll look at your videos and my day will be I'll just be happier. I feel like you created Trader Joe's or something. No, it's just I've experienced unfathomable

sadness and I never want to go back. Ian creates adventures in New York like every day. He'll just be like, yeah, I have a seven foot tall blind friend named Mangos. And that's true. He said he almost picked up a homeless guy on the way here.

Yeah, people were honking because we were talking. I gave him a 20 and I go, don't spend it all in one place, pal. He's from Dallas. He made his way here. He's actually a comedian. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very nice of you. Thank you. I enjoy that. I like being, I can't get down with like negativity and stuff. Well, you've come to the wrong place, I think. Well, I enjoy talking to strangers. Like when someone's got a name tag, they got it for a reason.

So I'm going to call them by their name. And I... Dude, today at Starbucks, this chick, because I got this Ghostbusters Firefighter shirt on. I don't know if you can see the... Ow. Oh yeah, that's a sick shirt. Right? So this woman was on the phone and she was like,

hold on, hold on. Oh, where did you get that shirt? I was like, oh, I live in New York. I went to the Ghostbusters firehouse. She's like, i'm moving to new york i could tell you were from new york just by the way you were standing because i was so mad that they were taking so long because some girl was talking with her dumb bitch mom in line not knowing their order and then they get there and they're like um do you do can you do mom do you like a lot of pumps i'm like uh-huh is there anything worse like the people at chipotle that act like it's a new thing to them like how does this work and i'm standing there and i'm like what the fuck and uh this woman talked to me made me feel better

but she wants to get this shirt and then she's moving to new york and we talked and i just like like um talking to people. Strangers. I don't know. I like to bring a spark of joy to wherever I go. And I gotta be honest, I've been told I'm best in small doses. But dude, I didn't know you were a beater boy.

I love dressing like I owe people money it's my favorite thing I was gonna wear a shirt like that but I didn't so that's kind of the coolest stuff I bring to the table you guys do look like three different type of deadbeats it looks like I'm the cop who arrested

all of you guys for racketeering we look like you took Devin and then smudged him with a thumb and ended up with the three of us. And then for Jace, you just left too much of the ink. You stamped it was running out, and then you spilled the bottle. Yeah, right there. You're the only guy who has a handkerchief that you just have handy. Yeah, it's hot as hell in here already.

And I use it as a snot rag. Oh, really? My grandfather had a handkerchief, and he tried to get me to use them, but they were white, so you could see it was like boogers. Right. But I use this because my dad wore these, and also it's a symbol of the gay community. You hang it out of your pocket so the fellas know what you're into.

Oh, okay. Which I didn't know until later. You're going cruising. Oh, now you pipe up. We found the God key to get him out of his shell. Mentioning anonymous sex of gay men. Look who shows up. Well, you know, there's still no cruising signs all over LA.

Really? Oh, so we're in the area. Yeah, Ian, if you want to see some no cruising signs all over LA. Really? Silver Lake, we're in the area. Yeah, Ian, if you want to see some no cruising signs. I thought this was Glendale. No, this is not. We're in Echo Park, Silver Lake. Because Glendale brings me back. That's where all the Armenians were.

We're talking about Glendale. What happened in Glendale to you? I got a hooker, and I got the address mixed up, and I showed up in the middle of the night to an abandoned laundromat, and it was at the Econo Lodge next door. And the ad said black chick with perky tits. But it turned out to be droopers with a scar on her head. I was like, well, I'm here anyway.

And there was a man in the room that wouldn't leave. And he just stood in the corner like the end of Blair Witch. Like facing the wall? Yeah. And then there was someone underneath a blanket that looked like a dead body. Boo Radley was in the other bed. And then I asked if we could kiss

so I could get hard and she was like no. No they hate that. And then while we were fucking she legitimately goes, time's almost up. I was like, oh my god. And then she lied and was like, we should hang out next time you're in town. I'm like, you're not getting my money again, Sienna or fucking whatever.

So you really told her. I will say, I brought her Red Bull snacks and I said, keep the box of condoms. Wow, what a gentleman. Your brother gushers? That helped you out. No, I made her gush.

So you still went through with it even though there was a strange man in the corner that was likely going to rob you, right? Were you like, have a problem? No, I was totally dead ball sober. Do you take the pants completely off? Being horny will take you anywhere, honestly. I get in a mode of like where my brain stops working, my eyes go black like wing of crow,

and I just like straight up do these things I don't even want to do. And it's like I got to work on like not. I lost my virginity to a black prostitute. No. I was 18 and on Burbank Boulevard. Really? I had fan eyes. Dude.

Yeah. We're the same. I knew it was i knew we're the same i knew we were the same just a little less positive oh my god well that's why i'm here to pause you weren't you a sign spinner at the time i was yeah i made uh i made 87 bucks a week uh hold uh sign spinning like he's literally the guy like that and then i wouldn't spin it because it was like nobody was watching me so sometimes i would just throw up behind a bush and I would just wander around town. And I'd jack off at like Vons. Arthur Fleck in the beginning of Joker.

A hundred percent. I was Joker. But instead of the guys chasing to rob you as a black hooker, they wanted to rob your virginity. It was so brutal. I had the same thing where I was just wandering around a parking lot. I was like, where is this? I wandered into like, I was like, oh shit, I'm in a Denny's right now. This isn't the lobby of the motel.

Got there. It was just so sad. She was like playing like really crappy, trashy music on like a fake iPad. Like, and it was sitting in like a cup thing, you know? So that was like the speaker. Yeah. And she was like, handsome man. She was huge. She was huge.

What's she in my insert penis? She literally, her pictures, she looked like she was in the 50 Cent candy shop video. And then I got there and it just looked like she went to a lot of candy shops. It was brutal, dude. It was one of the most, and then I came in like. She wasn't in 50 Cent, but she was a buck 50. I came in eight seconds. I punched you and knocked you out. Oh, dude. It was one of the most, and then I came. She visited 57, but she was a buck 50. I came in eight seconds. I punched you and knocked you out.

Oh, God. She put like 50 condoms on me. Like I was just, like I had the plague. It was horrible. And then I left and I was like, I didn't even feel anything. I just came. I was so sad. I just wandered out.

And then I wandered across the street to a McDonald's and I got myself a little ice cream cone. And that was the best part of it. So you won in the end. I won came. I just wandered out and then I wandered across the street to McDonald's and I got myself a little ice cream cone and that was the best part. So you won in the end. I won in the end, but it was brutal. You fucked John Coffey from the Green Mile. Michael Clark Duncan. No, it's fine. Why don't you leave?

Richie, we'll get out of here. I think you should leave. I always thought, I remember when I was looking to get when I wanted to lose my virginity and I just got the prostitute, I always found it interesting that the ads the lingo they would use, like when prostitutes would say

sassy, like that was like sassy, sassy classy girl, like I'm a sass but like who wants to pay for like sass well i looked up so there's a site called eros.com because i got rid of back page and i'll look it up just to peruse every once in a while you know dip my toe in but don't go in the water and uh some of them for like their bio it's like personality that's it yeah it's like oh cool i just want to talk let's do a podcast i gotta i gotta prostitute in um minnesota years ago and i couldn't get hard so we just hung out in a trail mix in my bed and i made her put my glasses on

and we took a selfie let me see if i can find it just taking proof of a crime yeah yeah and then the next day i got a trans hooker and i had i gave i got bad cocaine i gave it to her and kept the good for me and i took a picture you can see your balls hanging down from behind i don't know like it says like goddess let me see let me see if i can find this. Talks amongst yourselves. Personality. Yeah, personality. That's what I'm paying for.

I'm paying for... Yeah, no. Like, the sassy thing was always just like, I don't even get how that works. Like, I walk in, you put 200 on the table. They're like, I ain't touching your dick. They're like, you picked the queen of sass, shit. Thank you very much, ma'am. Thank you.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. She's trans? No, no, no. She was normal. Here's a old... Oh, yeah, you can see those balls there. Yeah, just the little... You can see a little bit of the cocaine.

Oh, wow, yeah, those are balls. I gave her what I'm pretty sure was drywall dust. Yeah. And again, with her, I couldn't get hard, but I ran out of trail mix, so I was like, let me just eat your ass for 20 minutes. Was that back in the day when there wasn't really fentanyl in the shit? Right.

So you were like, yeah, whatever. I legit got coke at this place called the Gay 90s, and then I walked out and got coke from a guy in the street, and I'm pretty sure it was drywall dust. It was the hardest. He's like, this is that rock. And I'm like, yeah, it's gypsum. What are you doing? What was I doing?

This guy knows a lot about coke. He doesn't do it anywhere. That's why he won't speak. You a coke guy? Yeah, I was. Yeah, I am. I'm a little bit actually. What do you do about fentanyl? I did it. Are you scared? I'm terrified of this. I've never done coke. Don't do it. don't do it don't

do it i've done it once dude i gotta tell you i like dude as like a sober dude i feel this weird responsibility when i'm around people if coke comes up i'm like do not do it around me and do not do it tonight because i don't want it on me that like i was around you left you you did coke and then you die you know yeah right there's only like four comics that died last year. Did you hear that thing? That is a nightmare. I could not imagine. I don't know. I just don't like it. Even like Molly.

If a little bit of fentanyl is in a bag in the corner and it touches something, you're fucking done. So fentanyl is in Molly too and shit? They're putting it in Molly. I thought I could go get... I've done Molly once. It was the best time of my life. Yeah, it was great. I wanted to do a little more. I did.

Is it in Xanax at all? I don't know. Well, that's like a prescription. Are you, is there like. I used to buy, that was like the only like harder drug I would do is I would buy Xanax. Yeah, but that's coming from like a pharmaceutical company.

You would figure. It could just be stamped like in something. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I'm buying it from a guy who lives with like 18 roommates. Or they're like chopping it up or like putting it on a table and it gets

contaminated or you know a comic in DC that I we knew for a second he died yeah I think it was because he Richie thinks it's because it was a humid day and all of it you know clawed it to one side people did it and then they all got sick but he died

and it like can all clump like you know DC humidity I just don't know why anyone's doing coke nowadays with how many people are dying but he died and it like can all clump like you know DC humidity that's so tragic yeah I just don't know why anyone's doing coke nowadays with how many people are dying yeah dude no it clumps in the bag

like in your pocket so then when you go to do it it's all in like one area of the bag so he got all of it yeah then the rest just got sunk

so you got like a super high dose yeah and also it's like the messaging for it is like whatever you're gonna do just test your drugs it's like no why don't we try to well, if you're going to do it and just test your drugs, it's like, no,

what, why don't we try to like, how about no? Yeah. Just don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. Like,

I mean, just say no, didn't work, but I feel like, cause I was like so much ignorance at the time. Like, I feel like we should change a messaging. And it's cause Nancy Reagan was saying it.

We're like, cool. Like we're saying it now. She didn't podcast. Nancy Reagan was pretty cool. She used to suck a lot of dick. I was going to say, she didn't say no. She was a podcaster. Nancy Reagan was pretty cool. She used to suck a lot of dick. I was going to say, she didn't say no to Mr. T's cock.

Yeah. Yeah, she just got a stamp named after her. Yeah. Did she? Yeah. Really? Big old cock sucking face. Giant stupid bitch stamp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just evil cunt. Yeah. Would you like a dollar for the cock sucking cunt stamp? Fuck. You can throw me off. Get out of here. You're cunt. Yeah. Would you like a dollar for the cock sucking cunt camp? Cunt stamp? Fuck. Ian, throw me off.

Get out of here. You're doing great, buddy. No, you're doing great. We just all threatened to kick each other off the entire episode. Ian, what else was your- Someone wrote you the wrong one. It was like just booze and coke, basically, when you were- Yeah, I drank alcoholically.

I drank like people shoot heroin, like, all the time. Wake up. Pass out. Bottle. Wake up. Drink. Couldn't stop. You drink, like, mouthwash and shit, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Does that actually, you feel a little, like, tipsy from just drinking mouthwash? Yeah, but I would do this mental gymnastic thing because I was living in a halfway house at the time in Delaware. And I was moving to New York, and I was of like slowly dipping my toe into like drinking again. And I would do this thing at work where like, so bitters. Do you guys know bitters?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The drink mixer. Yeah, yeah. That has alcohol in it. Really? Yeah. So I would get like, I'd go, I'd announce, I have a stomach ache. I'm going to get some bitters and coke, you know, or bitters and ginger ale.

And I put in there, dump the bitters in and be like, and then I'd'd see someone i put my drink next to someone's drink drink theirs and go oh whoops you know to like be like you're not choosing to do it yeah so then i would be in the bathroom and i put mouthwash to like gargle and then i'd walk to my room and go i can't just spit this out in the trash can i might as well just swallow it. And I do that like 10 times. Get used to it. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. Yeah, it's fucking nuts what the mind does

to excuse certain behaviors. Well, it starts living off of it, right? Your mind, it's kind of making the booze a part of its body, right? You can't just stop drinking if you're a full-blown alcoholic, right? You kind of have to wean off it, right? Well, alcohol withdrawal is the only withdrawal that can kill you like heroin coke whatever it's hell it's

terrible physically hurtful and painful but you can't die from it like you have to be put on like liberium or like if you do it yourself just like xanax and weed to like wean your way off but it's a you know fucking nightmare yeah whatever like sends your body into like toxic shock you're gonna have seizures yeah yeah like i was in detox one time they had to put me in the bubble which is like this area in front of like the nurses station so that if something happens they can like immediately they had to separate you from the trans hookers they arrested oh i wish i just stayed in you'd be like templeton the rat at the fair dude the legitimately the only friend i didn't talk for the first three days and everyone had bets on if i was gonna spill my soup on me because i was like shaking so much when i was like eating and uh the only person i talked to was a stripper from

middletown delaware and once i got out of the bubble i went to my room and we had to wear like medical scrubs and slippers. And I had a wet dream. And when you detox off alcohol, you can have hallucinations. So my hallucination was, first of all, also my roommate, there was a smoking cage. So like you went out and there was like a chain link fence. And that's where everyone would smoke. And the guy would take out the cardboard box with the cigarettes and everyone would go like a bunch of rats and then uh dude that my roommate

got someone to drop off heroin and some works to him over the fence oh nice he pulled it in so while i'm having this hallucination so i hallucinate i'm in a pink room with this huge pink rat and the stripper is in the room trying to blow me. I wake up. I have a wet dream all over my medical scrub and I look over and my roommate is shooting heroin into his toe. Oh God. And I'm like,

Jesus Christ. That's so existential. And when I got intake, they had, cause this is like a down and dirty detox, they shower you off. They like spray you off. You have to get naked. You have to squat, cough.

So like you don't have anything in your ass. And I'm in there and I'm covering my dick. And they're like, Ian, what you got behind your hand? I go, my penis. They go, we've seen all kinds. Let me see it. I was like, okay, here's all of me. They had to like check all my shit to see if I wasn't hiding anything.

And before that, they wouldn't even let me in because I was too drunk to go to detox. They just sent me to the hospital. Wow. Jesus. Fuck. And I spiked my IV bag like a football and sprayed blood on the nurse. They had to lock me down and put me in a mask. Oh, my God.

Your hand was electric? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I kept being like, I don't know what the problem is. You just gave me more vodka. I'll be all right. They're like, fuck. This is so sad. How long ago was this?

This was 2010. My buddy dropped me off because I fought him in my kitchen because he tried to take away my vodka. So I, like, tried to fight him. And then they literally rolled me into the car, dragged me out, and dropped me off at the doorstep of the detox. No, he's actually too drunk.

We can't let him in. Did they have to load you back in the car and figure out where to drive you? Where do they take you? The hospital. So they can medically drain you or pump you full of saline. Yeah, they get this woman to suck you.

Okay, interesting. You come out all of the addiction. Just a huge Jamaican woman in a scrubs outfit. I'm here to drain your balls. I'm here to drain your balls, mom. You got the big gums, boy. It's Chet Hanks.

It's just Chet Hanks. Hey, Bumblegum boy. Bumblegum boy Bumble Club Boy. And he was like, is there anyone you want to apologize to? Ian Fidance. I didn't drink the balls correctly. I left some cold.

I didn't drink your cum enough. Lord have mercy. I spit instead of swallow. There he is, coming alive with the gay shit again. I'm loving it so is this like jail or it's just a like a rehab place yeah like who who the fuck was your dad jim what is your deal uh no massive amounts of childhood trauma that i didn't deal with and the only way i could access emotion and sadness was through a bottle.

And once I found it, that really let me unleash the say. But, oh, it's like, dude, it's a gnarly, gross. It is across the street from a jail. And it's like this gross place. And God, man, one of my dear friends, Jill, who i met in rehab a year beforehand brought me like magazines and my slippers and she was like such a cool like ride or die friend and she ended up dying from uh heroin but uh that's the thing when you're in like rehab and like all they literally make you go hey turn to your left turn to your right. One of the people you looked at will be dead within five years if they don't stop.

Is it going to be you? And then legitimately most of them do die. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. You're good now. You did the steps and everything. I'm great.

You're good. No, but it's constant. You got to keep going. You have a lot of energy. I think a drink, you know, you could use a drink. I know. That's we don't get them. I know. That's not nice.

Get them. That is a big no-no, right? That's not cool. I would love if you just cracked a beer. That's not cool. I know, right? Drink. I pour some Coke on the table.

Ooh, give me the Fenty. Fenty, Fenty, Rihanna. So how soon after that did you, like, start comedy and stuff? Oh, I didn't start comedy until like a year later. Okay. Yeah. So like I lost. Oh, I didn't lose my job.

What happened was I showed up drunk. And I had already taken like a month off to go to rehab. And then like, dude, I was on fire. I was like working during the day for this construction company, doing my own side jobs at night on the weekend. was like great i was like ripping and running and you're probably just trying to fill the hours absolutely dude and then i got so busy and i was making money i was like i don't fucking mean anything you know and dude i fucking uh started drinking again showed up work fucked up and i was just starting to get jobs on my own like they finally started trusting me to put me as like the head carpenter on like jobs you know so i was getting

like a ton of responsibility it was everything i wanted and i just got fucking wrecked i showed up to work and what i thought happened was uh my boss is like get out of here don't come back i was like all right so i left didn't talk to him again didn't call him so much shame then in 2012 i like went through everything was moved to new york and i found out what job site he was on i went back and i was like gene i'm sorry man i'm in a bad spot you were so good to me and i i'm better now and i'm sorry you had to fire me again and he's like i didn't fire you i told you to come back when you weren't drunk and you never contacted me again yeah because i thought i got fired the construction industry is nothing but alcohol yeah yeah yeah and when you're good at your job they let you fucking right slide on shit right and i fired myself by

accident yeah i didn't know that he was like just dry out and come back i thought he meant like you done yeah and so for two years i'd never and then i show up like he's gonna love me and say good job pal and he was pissed did not like it like very upset at me still yeah yeah james i'm sorry he'll be all right yeah maybe i'll say whatever never mind what is it his say his last name i was going to i was going to publicly attack him yeah no no i wasn't gonna attack him i was gonna say this guy's a fucking angel he gave me so many chances he He was such a solid, good guy. Family, generational company. Really, really good community guy.

Wonderful man. Truly, truly a great guy. His last name is Mulligan. Oh, there's a joke to be made. Which is a term in golf for getting a second chance. A redo. And boy, did he dish them out. That was a long way to go for that. Yeah. That was good. No, did he dish him out. That was a long way to go for that.

That's a good wordplay. I had to be like, he's great because I'm talking about him. I'm not going to be like, hey, listen, you bald bitch. It's getting hot in here. We're going to kill each other. He straight up was like, hey,

you don't need to get a saw you can just cut through the lumber with them teeth i don't want to come off as vindictive but i have it's time for you to go i'm sorry i wasn't sitting here we're really not attacking just out of insecurity i swear do you realize how i just got my 10,000 steps in walking around the block for that one pun? Like, kill me. What am I doing? Check your iPhone. It's going to say 10 miles.

You drove us across town to show us the cool bird you found. Like, Ian, that's a crow. Look at this rare bird. I am sweating and running out of steam. It's like you're testifying before Congress right now. What ears do I need to consider?

Yana, I just like the trans women. I'm not gay, Yana. Yana, I'm just a simple boy. Yana, his name was Mulligan. I couldn't help myself, Yana. Made a simple boy. His name was Mulligan. I couldn't help myself, y'all. Made a simple joke. Everyone in the whole town grabbed pitchforks, trying to chase me out.

Ian's testifying for Johnny Depp, just going on a log rant. Trying to build pitchforks. Hack, hack, hack. Ian waving at the fire like Frankenstein. You're just making it bigger, Ian. The fire likes oxygen. Just stop fucking talking.

Ian's responsible for every fire in LA for the last 20 years. Ian's got to go hide in this castle he just helped build. Ian's just looking at some dry brush like, his name was Mulligan. Nothing? Guess I'll take another Mulligan over here. Let me blow you, man.

There really is something about how hot it gets down here that makes you I think it might be our new thing, though. We get people goofy. By the end, it's like, do the right thing, almost. You're like, what's every slur that I remember? We just leave and we burn down a small business. I'm going to get choked out by a cop.

We really didn't anticipate this. I'm Radio to get choked out by a cop. He was my boombox. We really didn't anticipate this. I'm Radio Rahimian. Rahimian. You're just playing Joe Rogan experience on the boombox. He's like, I told you we don't want to hear that shit about the vaccine. He's just some Italian guy like, turn off Dr. Robert Malone. Enough of that shit. He was removed from Baylor. He's not an accredited doctor

He didn't even invent the fucking vaccine Oh shit Are you okay? What just happened? Why did you do that? Are you okay, Ian? Alright, Richie, Richie Give him a hand

Give him a hand, Richie Oh god Alright, well get him out of the chair This is gonna paralyze him He's coming up with the chair Oh my god Give me a hand. Give him a hand. Give him a hand, Richie. Oh, God. All right, well, get him out of the chair. This is going to paralyze him. He's coming up with the chair. Oh, my God. Give me a hand, folks. That was like Million Dollar Baby.

Oh, that'd be so great. That'd be so good for the podcast if he had died on set. He would just do this. We come in, we're like, we just came back from Disneyland. And you know they would still cut the clip too for Instagram. Like, put the captions on it. And then I would just do a smash to like, donate here. He's actually in a lot of pain.

He's not doing great. It's a link to the Patreon. It's a trick. You see why you don't come in too hot? Yeah. You see why you don't come in hot? You know what I mean? Hot because he places his sweat on you. Holy Yeah. You see why you don't come in hot? You know what I mean? Hot because this place is a sweat station.

Holy shit. You got to pace yourself like Richie. We're going to try and get H Foley down here to kill him. That's a mean shot. Don't even know the guy. Did I cut my tattoo? Did you really? Oh, what happens when you cut a tattoo?

Does it kind of permanently damage it? It's not good. Yeah. Oh, I think I did a little. Did you actually like hurt yourself over the tattoo? Yeah. I'm fine's not good. I think I did a little. Did you actually hurt yourself? I'm fine. You good? I'm fine.

No, I thought that was fucking great. I fell out of my chair laughing. I wouldn't want to do and be anywhere else. Ow, and I hit my shin. He literally fell out of his chair laughing. Oh, God. That would have been so bad. Imagine if he paralyzed. I literally grabbed his hand because I was trying to predator handshake him back up.

You know what's so fucked up is that it would have been so great for promotion if he did parallel. Oh, right. Yes. Ian doing stand-up just like, hey, guys, how's it going? Truly, it was in slow motion as I was following. I was like, don't pull down the green screen they don't use.

I've used it literally like once. It's just here to make it look like I do a lot of work. They paid $15 for that. You're going to green screen Jace with the big Indian from Warped Blue and the cookers behind him. They're going to green screen us on the same size as everyone.

Little Jace in the cupboard. Little tiny guy. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking fuck. I'm dying. Man. Yeah, shit. I'm dying. Man. Yeah, shit. I could have a cigarette.

You know what? I won't stop you from lighting one up in here if you want. I can open this window. Really? I usually don't let people smoke in here. Would you guys hate that? No, for you, we'll do that. No, I mean, you know.

You put your body on the line for the program. You smoke Marlboro Reds. You're already halfway to Lieutenant Dan. Ice cream. I just have a portable toilet. I make Jace clean it with his tongue. But Lieutenant Dan, she's got a dick. But you ain't got no dick, Lieutenant Dan.

My favorite thing during the BLM riots. Oh, here we go. Here we go. All right. Everyone look at him. Don't make me fall out of my chair. Was sending that clip from Forrest Gump going, I'm sorry I ruined your Black Panther party.

Just me showing up at rally. You think it's a Grateful Dead show? I'm looking for a miracle man there was well i don't know if you remember this it was like during the i said that when i was on pause with sam j actually that's why they didn't use oh my god no i just yelled about how Louis didn't do anything right. Right, yeah. Correct, but continue.

We got the Louis case, by the way. Oh yeah, take a look. On display. Anytime you want. It's hard to find them on DVD nowadays. Oh no way. That's cool. You want me to get this autograph for you?

Please. It's just me writing it with my left hand. Yeah, you spell it S-E-E-K-E-Y. It's just me writing it with my left hand. Yeah. You spell it S-E-E-K-E-Y. It's income. It's fentanyl over this DVD case. Oh, my God. I got to take my shirt off. It's so fucking hot.

I'm going to open this. Yeah, we'll open it up. It wasn't open? Dude, I am sweating. Pop it off. I know. I'm sorry. It's so hot.

No, it's all right i love it um now i remember one of my favorite things during that whole time was i i you know the face app where you can morph your pool of blood right over there there you go see you need to pace yourself in there it is there it is oh 52 minutes in There it is. Oh, 52 minutes in. Yeah. It's all right.

No, I want you to feel comfortable again. So go ahead. Rain down on me. We only have three more hours left. What were you saying, Jace? Oh, I do. Your favorite moment. Favorite moment.

What was your favorite moment of BLM? I took the FaceApp app and I morphed Ian with the George Floyd shot. And I just sent it to Ian like 7 a.m. in the morning. Edit, edit, edit that out. My apologies. Two drug addicts. Oh, my God. I mean, obviously, this is a big bit of our podcast.

Have you ever seen the Judge Joe Brown take on George Floyd? No. Oh, it's kind of a favorite of ours. We might as well show you. You've never heard anything like this before. You haven't heard this take, rather. You never heard this take from an old black man. It's interesting. I love old black men.

They're the best. During the pandemic, I became best friends with my friend Chloe's dad. This old black dude named Vinny, who spent years in Sing Sing. He's the fucking shit, dude. I want to do a podcast with him. He's the quickest, slickest old soul brother. But he's also very ho-tap and says these outlandish things. And I'm just like, three seconds of research.

Hey, Vinny, yeah, that's not really correct. He's like, yeah, well, that's some white shit. You're on white Google right now. Wikipedia, some white shit. That's what they want you to think. Bing is for the brothers. Pull up Bing. Ian, you were created by Yankov.

Dr. Yacoub went wild with you, boy. You use ass Gs, I use ass Jaws. I don't think I've ever seen a black guy named Vinny. Yeah, that's crazy. I was wondering, is he just a very tan Italian man? Is he self-hating? No, no, he's the fucking best. We fell out of touch.

Maybe I'll call him. We fell out of touch i gotta i gotta maybe i'll call him he fell out of touch during the ryan yeah yeah yeah no but he is like um you know he was like really immunocompromised he couldn't he he's the only non-hassidic people in his apartment complex like old hasidic williamsburg and i used to ride my bike and like bring him him and his wife valita sandwiches and we had a little breakfast club and it was just me and like all these older black people it was amazing it was awesome just the seeds are terrified of you guys yeah it was just me apologizing the whole time yo no joke so what is the festival they do sacot or whatever where they chop up the chickens yes i know about that yeah right what

do they do they know they chop they chop the heads and they like sprinkle the blood around the kids during a festival interesting yeah yeah they're archaic beasts so um they are we're like standing outside we're smoking me and vinny and uh this guy comes up and he just goes you want to make money and i was like what and he goes you work for me right now you make money and i go how much he goes don't worry we pay you after and vinny's like and and i was like no and he goes a boy like you you don't want to work and make money my i know boys that may want to make so much more money i'm like are you trying to sex trade me or get me to carry your dead chickens around? Like, what is happening?

And that's what he was trying to get you to do, was carry the dead chickens? Yeah, yeah, like do the chicken cleanup. Right, right. Oh, man. Yeah, and he was going to like, give me money. I'm like, what? Do you think, how many times do you get asked,

are you Jewish, like going around Williamsburg? All the time. Well, not as much anymore, because I kind of like learned how to have a look of like, don't talk to me. Right. But it used to be a lot. A lot.

You can just go through Williamsburg and just pull women's wigs off, can't you? No, I mean, don't they all have, aren't Hasidic women, don't they technically shave their heads

and they're wearing wigs? Oh, I didn't even know. I had a Chinese cab driver in New York tell me that when I went to the airport. He goes, they're fucking crazy, man. They're fucking crazy, the Jews.

They fucking, they chop the women's hair off. There's nothing better than a foreign cab driver because they just love talking about every other race. He's the bastard. I had a guy in San Francisco one time. He was like Cuban and he's driving me around. He's like, hey, you look, this like lady with a fat ass walked in front of the car.

He's like, you look like a mamacita. And I was like, si, si. He's like, habla espanol. I'm like, un poco. That's literally all I know. And then we're driving a little far. We drive past Castro Street. He goes, Castro Street, no mamacita. Actually, de Marcon.

And I was like, yeah. Very good. You're like, I love Marcon. I love putting a little salsa on it. That's the fruit from the cart, right? It's a deep fried little pouch. You get the hot dog on the shopping cart, you put a bunch of mayonnaise on it.

Every Uber driver I've had in New York, or taxi driver, they're all like a madam or a pimp. I had a lady driving me from the airport, and she was just talking about the women, and she was like, man, it's amazing. Oh, wow.

And I'm like, what? Dude, I was late to the airport. My Uber driver gets it. I get in the car. I'm late and I'm like, all right, how long till we get there? And she goes, I'm not speaking English. And I was like, listen,

if you rush it, I'll give you a big fat tip. And she goes, I'll get you there soon. And I was like, oh my God. Right away, Mr. Finance. Pushes like the men in black button Holy fuck Damn Oh man I am fucking dying

What part of New York You live in Ian? Williamsburg Okay Do you ever come out east? Yeah I was in New York Like a couple months ago To film

Get cut out of a show Oh yeah Yeah so I was in Williamsburg for a little bit. I like it. It's nice, but it feels very, I don't know, it feels like very Jewish. Too nice or something. What part were you in? You were probably by the water.

I was right by the water. I just kind of felt like I was in a fake New York. That's a super expensive blah, blah, blah part. I live in the Puerto Rican area. I'm right between the Williamsburg houses and the Hasidic area.

It was all families for a while. When I was straight, there's a field in front of my apartment that they all play baseball, like softball. And all the old men have stitched uniforms. The whole neighborhood comes out no no these are puerto rican oh it's my apologies yeah yeah no i got excited for a second yeah no they

didn't play sports no they don't play sports yeah they don't take off their penguin suits so um they uh play like domino it's like so fun so communal and um i used to like drink and and like hang out with them and everything and And then, like, the neighborhood obviously, like, changed or whatever, but it still got, like, a little homey type feel. Like, my neighbors are, like, real cool. It's funny. I like my, like, long, because I've been there since 2007, so, like, my long-term neighbors are, like, we're very, like, first name.

And then, like, I say hi to, like, a white that moves in. I'm like, hey. And they're like. You know, but, dude, this hasidic guy came out to me the other night and he's like i is how far away am i from blah blah i was like oh down that way and he goes i just moved here i maybe i'll stay if i make friends and i was like is this guy cruising is this cruising usa yeah but But I like characters and stuff. New York's the place to be.

I almost gave him my number to be like, I can have a Hasidic friend. Yeah, why not? Yeah. You could help him light his candle on Saturdays. Give him a nickname. I literally had that happen because my brother lives in Beverlywood now,

which is the real up class Jewish, but a lot of them are still practice. Yeah. And I was house sitting for him. I hear a knock on the door and I go out and it's just a Jewish man this big. And he's like, oh, I thought, I thought Ben would be here. I'm like, oh, I'm his brother, Jay. And how are you doing?

He's like crushing his hand. Ben's nice to meet you. You are butterflies. Ben selling him baby dicks. In a Ziploc bag. Like fucking cocaine. I just like to suck on them while I work. Just cut off fucking circumcised dickheads.

Eat some like crawfish. We like to cook them like a calamari. He's Italian. He's Italian now. My brain is shutting down. What are you doing next time? I'm going to sit at you. Hey, look at me.

I'm a fucking Jew. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Jew. Ever since I could remember, I wanted to suck baby piss. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a landlord. Nobody, he answers her. I'm I'm like hey nice to meet you he goes can you light my candle and I was like

I literally was like what the fuck are you talking about and he's like you gotta light my it's the holiday I can't light it and I was like

oh the fucking they're not allowed to light it on their own they're not allowed to like turn on any appliances light anything shoes are weird

they can only suck baby dicks and they all have like that fucking Jewishish thermometer out front of their door yeah what is that and they're jewish and they're goddamn jews it's terrible it's fucking horrible i will say i think like the tradition of religion is cool like just like these old like things that people did to keep them in line and like community as well and communal i think that's so fucking great but at a certain point you have to like mold it and change it to like update and the fact that they're like so insular and also like yo divorce is not allowed

and if a woman tries a divorce they'll be intimidated by the other jewish men like they'll show up and bang on the door with hammers because you need to follow them around to get a divorce yeah and that is not okay. You know what I mean? There's paid enforcers for her dad will hire enforcers to make the husband get her a get. Yeah. I'm just realizing that's from a Sopranos episode.

Don't tell me! No, it's like season two. Oh, yeah. It's in the early seasons. Oh, that's right. Yes. Yep. The guy.

Spoiler, the Haseeds kill Tony. That is what happens. They talk his ear off. You just see that huge hat trying to get through that diner door. It cuts to black because the sound guy just couldn't keep recording. They're just like, fuck it, just end it.

Just end the show. It'll look artistic to people. These fucking Jews ruined it. You know who didn't stop believing? The Jews when they had only two days worth of oil. And on the first day, the Maccabees. On the first day, Mr. Maccabee got a very bad tummy ache.

No Pepto back then. Tommy, I also woke up this morning. I also got myself a gun. My daughter, she's trying to get a divorce. Is that a gobicle? They're just eating gefalto? Exactly. Oh, fuck.

That's so funny. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. But yeah. I wandered into Greenpoint when I was in New York. I like Greenpoint. Yeah, it was so funny. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. But yeah, I wandered into like Greenpoint when I was in New York. I like Greenpoint. It was nice. Yeah, it's not bad. It's all right.

It's a nice, fine place. It feels a little like- Polish, very Polish. Very Polish, yeah. I went to a Polish AA meeting one time. Yeah. I spoke Polish, and I was like teetering on drinking again. And they were all drinking during the meeting.

Yeah, just stunk like vodka. But I was teetering on like if I should drink or not. And I took it as a sign of God to be like, see, you can't understand. And so I'm just leaving. I mean, it is like a bad punchline. Like walk into a Polish. Mulligan?

Oh. It's just the Mulligan. His name was Mulligan. We've left for hours. I'm alone. Your life fits nighttime. You're just walking into a wall. Mulligan. We've left for hours. Your lights fits nighttime. You're just walking into a wall.

Mulligan! Mulligan! You just see the sun come up, the moon come up, the sun come up, the moon come up. Ian's got a huge beard. We sealed Ian in here to film podcasts until he's dead. It truly feels like I'm in a cargo container.

It is insane, dude. I know. I should award you. I apologize. I don't care. I'm fucking having the best time of my life. It is hot as hell. We got to figure this out.

I just don't know how to get rid of the fan. I don't have the energy right now to figure it out on this weekend. Can't get a cold AC? We will. Cost money. You know, this weekend. You can't get like a cold AC. We will. Cost money. You're like the first guest we've really had that I care about comfort. Oh, sweetheart.

Just because, you know. Yeah. It's usually just my friends. I'm like, oh, fuck it. They have me on every week and beat me like a pig. Get in the studio, boy. Turn it up high so his bacon skin can sizzle. Swirl for me.

Turn his levels down. Make a joke. Devin's just pulling your tail. Richie hitting me with a cattle prod. Tell him it's a shenanigans. How is your day today, man?

What do you think about trans people? Get him his feet. Big bag on my face. You just put pie in the bag. Leftover Chipotle parts. You get all the beans. Show me in Judge Joe Brown.

Oh, yeah. If your computer hasn't exploded at this point. Dude, you could get a small AC. I was just talking to him about that. Get a Dyson SpinFan. They're very silent. Okay. All right.

We'll figure it out. You'll be back the first time. Nah, come on here promoting another YouTuber. I don't know that DC that Dane, whoever. Don't come in my chat room talking about some that he's real history. No, he's not. Matter of fact, that person know nothing about history. He is like a pseudo historian.

So I have to learn from some Dane somebody. Dane Cook? To give some quick context, they're apparently going to put up a statue of George Floyd, I think in like Philly or something, and that's what they're discussing. Is the statue just parallel to the ground?

Does the statue have a gondola pregnant woman's belly? It's just wearing Timbs and getting sucked off. That's where the green screen you added me out for that. I mean, it's a fact. Did he do that? Did George Floyd do that?

It legitimately held a gun to a pregnant woman's to rob her. Yes. Who's robbing the baby? Look it up. It's yeah. Really? Yeah. Holy. It's on foundrymusic.com george floyd pregnant woman pregnant woman all right well live from the compound just came up

uh george floyd's encounters with police I feel like like Lemon Party is going to come up or something this is like an article also be careful the sources just well storm yeah just pull up Nick DePaul's YouTube channel yeah well I'll take Ian's word for it who needs to do the

research it's there's no evidence to suggest a woman threatened a gun pump by George Floyd that's not true for which he pleaded it's on yeah that's on like a fake website yeah george floyd of the new york times facebook was convicted of a robbery appointing a gun to the stomach of a pregnant woman or am i mistaken i bet you they like wiped this yes absolutely absolutely i'm i'm telling you that that new york times article it's dense but i guarantee they like put it in at the end okay yeah i did watch his porn video yeah that was pretty good was it good yeah yeah it was like

it wasn't bad he was a good lover yeah yeah he had a he was in a porn yeah he was a porn star you can literally go watch it shut up yeah yeah oh that's great yeah yeah as soon as you get a pipe he was a porn star i mean yeah he looked like every black guy really and now his face was next to malcolm x i know and john lewis yeah what it's like insane wait wait he really he filmed like one porn video black yeah yeah it's like a real classic uh like shoes stay on right porn in a room and just a blank room and at the beginning they're sitting next to each other. They both like... Yeah. It has an awkward start. Interesting. You know, not a high level of production value.

I heard he lost his breath a lot. Being on this topic is just like, hey, let's just ruin our lives. Let's save it. Play Judge Joe Brown's take. Nothing we've said. All right. Time them out.

Don't come in my love room, honey, promoting someone who has no relevance when it comes to history. And all of them do. Exactly. Some of these little scoundrels are getting out of hand, popping caps. It's because it used to be they wouldn't do that because the grown men would hunt them down. Exactly. Now, now, now.

Exactly. Now, they get the fool and then the fools get to talk about they shot down another. Oh, hell no. Like you got some respect. Exactly. With acting like that anyway. Crime going up to like I have no pity. Somebody came up to me. Do you see what he did to me?

I said, look, man, don't come over here and knock the shit out of your ass. It would have no pity. Do you see what he did to me? I said, look, man, don't come over here and knock the shit out of your ass. It would have been me. Speaking of crime, I texted you this. The city of North. Joe Brown's like, I heard George Floyd was black. I do not care for that.

I've been a judge so long, I'm legally white now. I'm a bench. I'm a city hall. In the city of North New Jersey, it's predominantly black. It's been majority black since the 60s. Had the first black mayor in the 60s, right? There was so many other people that you could have made a statue of. Whether it's Marcus Garvey, Frederick Douglass, Amari Baraka.

Baraka, who is president. That was his father. I'm cold blooded. I don't give a fuck what somebody thinks about what I think. You know, let's say this. Look, you know what's bad about George Floyd? George Floyd is six feet seven, two hundred and fifty pounds. And he didn't get shot. Essentially got his ass whooped by a five foot eight inch tall 135 pound white man oh my god who killed him with no weapons and he was crying yeah crying for his mama and he's so damn embarrassed actually his girlfriend he called his girlfriend mama oh really yeah so apparently that's who he was crying he was thinking about big mama's house

but no like do you call your chicks like mama or mommy or something not yet no give it some time yeah i did that out but not the george this is this because you live in the puerto rican neighborhood you think that's very common that's just yeah yeah i mean i mean that's like a new york it's gotta be like more of a like a new york neighborhood thing yeah we're like what's up mama what's up mama yeah yeah what's up little mama yeah yeah okay yeah we don't do that out here yeah no i don't think so i was thinking in your neighborhood you said you lived hasidic and puerto rican and it was like two uh groups of people who are saying the n-word and shouldn't be oh hilarious oh no here we go he wasn't being ironic jesus richie's a little defensive nobody laughed i mean that's how you usually

sarcasm but not irony all right no more do we need yeah i'm just i'm just waiting for the topic to come up bring up the uvalde shooting. All right, let's get to the mom speaking on it. Oh, my God. Bring up Matthew McConaughey. No. Yeah, so what were you, did you find it or no?

You didn't. I'm telling you it's scrubbed from the internet. It's scrubbed. It is completely scrubbed. It's like when I was really into Pizzagate at the very beginning of all the Pizzagate stuff because it wasn't just crazy people saying like, well, there's a lot of weird stuff. Like just what does this mean? What does this email mean? All their accounts got deleted on YouTube.

Yeah. I hate how I even was trying to look up because, you know, there's like 20 food processing processing plants that burned to the ground this year. Yes. Which is like weird. So I was trying to like look it up because I like a conspiracy theory, but I do like to get I like to get the real ones. So I don't like lose credibility. Yeah. And I was look it up because i like a conspiracy theory but i do like to get i like to get the real ones so i don't like lose credibility yeah and i was looking it up and

now if you look up any conspiracy theory it's the first five pages are just blanketed with like fact check false rooters snopes all that shit false you're an idiot for thanking this we don't have any proof that it's not a conspiracy but they'll just go on and on about it's memory holing yeah exactly it is legit it's legitimately like gaslighting to be like oh was i yeah it's memory holding yeah exactly right it it is legit it's legitimately like gaslighting to be like oh was i yeah it's the same thing you look up like fbi agents messaging shooters and shit like that and they'll do the the exact same thing on that yeah like you used to be able to find all the art uh that marina abramovich made that all these politicians bought and had in their in in their homes and right their offices which were insane

pictures yeah a line full of kids tied up with bright red asses and ball gags in their mouth no literally swear to god they're just hanging up in their mansions hanging up in their mansions you ever been to the big hunt in dc before it closed no really you never did comedy at the big hunt no downstairs place weird and it was dark so i never really looked around and then i remember i was you know i was there for like a month one time and i started looking around i was like oh this art's like weird as shit like it's weird pedophilic art i mean it's a not a it's called the devil's basement it's called the devil's but but the owner is like a punk rock dude who loves that type of shit it's not but dc is that's just it was just a little weird there's a weird thing going on in dc yeah i used

to it was also at the mcdonald's which was weird he dragged me home and i just like just i comet ping pong like what are they yeah yeah yeah yeah well dude that that what's that guy's name jack probaseik or whatever yeah yeah he fucking ruined it by like doing like a uh i'm a sovereign citizen to like pizzagate whatever and that just made it look like foolish. It's weird. Like some of these things, there is a sliver of legitimacy to it. And then the wrong people get a hold of it and they blow it up

and you discount it not because of what it is, but because of the messenger of who is speaking. Right. Every conspiracy theory, I think, has at least the air of the truth to it. You remember Alex Jones, they made fun of him because he said, they're turning the frogs freaking gay. If you look it up, there's literally a weed killer they allowed on the market

for 30 years that were turning frogs and they were making them trans. It's like an actual thing. Really? Frogs were being born without mail. So they were annoying in social situations? All these frogs were getting booked on JFL. So I want to marry them? He's like, the frogs are starting GoFundMes.

They're in abusive housing situations. That's why I saw Dave Chappelle stepping on all those frogs last night. Oh my God. That's why I saw a frog ribbit out of his room at 4 a.m. when no one was looking. Yeah, just him at the Hollywood Bowl with a big frog hopping at him. Taking him down.

Jesus Christ. You know that frog's gonna stab his roommate. I agree with that, though. There is always a little sliver of truth. And then it makes, and then it just compounds on a conspiracy, because you go like, well, I wouldn't think it's crazy to think, to say that like,

uh, the CIA brainwashed a guy into go into comet ping pong and make, and the legitimacy of it. You know what I mean? Like they've literally, there's been documented cases of they've messaged people who have like posted, I'm going to do something. And then they messaged him encouraging.

There's a guy, he was like a Muslim from like, I think Minnesota. Yes. And he was mentally deficient. Yeah like i think minnesota yes and he was mentally deficient yeah he was mentally deficient they messaged him two different agents messaged him like being like i'm a hot lady in a hijab i want to marry you but you need to like take us to allah basically he's like i don't want to do it i'm just going to kill myself

and they kept messaging him and then you want to do it and then finally just arrested him for like conspiracy that's like that chick that bullied her boyfriend into suicide right yeah yeah it's really hard to like get sympathy because that's the thing like the fbi does that and then they go look we stopped this act look how great we are patriot act good idea let's keep spying yeah i think there was even like there was like reports that the kenosha guy the guy who drove through that parade was like screaming like they made they made me do it. They kept telling me to do it. Like, why they were arresting him. Really? I don't know if that's fact-checked, but I think I saw that.

I don't believe anything naturally happens anymore. No. Like, at all. I just feel like there's something always else going on. Well, I mean, like, dude, Russian, that's funny how, like, the Cambridge Analytica thing went away when they legitimately proved that there were Russian troll farms sowing discontent in our political process. They made a Facebook group with a fake Muslim parade in Ohio, sent out invites, whatever, then sent it to like these like Republican groups. groups and then they made a fake anti

Muslim parade thing and actually got legitimate human people to leave their house and go to this thing and like fight each other for a thing that never existed and they put it together. They're doing like Sasha Baron Cohen like bits. Just fueling a culture war.

Totally. The Russians are like the fighter and the kid Reddit. They got a bunch of homeless cats over there. Yeah, just watching like gringo puppy. It's a Soviet Union, Papa. It's like Ukraine

very dicey, dicey at the moment. Go down vote Ukraine special. Looking good, Papa. Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee responsible. ukraine special looking good papa bobby lee bobby lee responsible they were sending dalia fake text messages like they are going willing to go to any lengths to get these guys yeah yeah everything's a conspiracy bro yeah and also dude like the algorithm fucks us up the algorithm especially with tiktok the shit it pumps

into us like dude it's all just like these young like it's it really is turning people into like pedophiles in a way because it's like normalizing young kids being sexualized and then because of my fucking algorithm i'm like seeing this and I'm like oh god and then the next time I go to Google it searches for child pornography and I'm like this goddamn algorithm and then the government has been making me bust to this

stuff this algorithm this algorithm downloaded Tor onto your computer dude I mean this algorithm This algorithm downloaded Tor onto your computer. Dude, I mean... What the fuck, man? This algorithm... I went to this girl's house

15 hours away. You wanted to catch a predator talking about the algorithm? Fucking Zuckerberg, man. You're just like... They make you do things. Oh, shit. I just love like you watching catch a prater.

You see and walk through the like. Hey, man. It doesn't spin real quick. I'm such a goofy bastard. He's just like, you're getting financed. That's an elaborate finance. Who here likes pizza and beer? Take a seat. Take a seat. Or should I say take a molly? like pizza, take a seat, take a seat,

or should I say take a mulligan? Can I get a mulligan? Check them all. I didn't want to fuck this little girl. Can I get a mulligan? Please take a seat in the park. I blame algae rhythm. I was at the space ship to Don G.

Character algae rhythm. Fuck. Yeah, it's the it's thehythm. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's the Don Cheadle character from Space Jam. Jace, do you know anything about this? Because you're my guy that you read. Sure. I heard that Mark David Chapman disappeared for the week before he killed John Lennon. Really?

Like, no one has any clue where he was for about a week. I never heard that. Well, the government was against John Lennon. Really? No one has any clue where he was for about a week. The government was against John Lennon. Right. My parents are both huge Beatles fans and I remember when I was a kid they were reading some book about Mark David Chapman and they were both immediately

convinced. My dad never goes into conspiracy. My mom is more inclined for that but they were both like, there's no like for this week that he was just gone right and then the first time he appeared was killing yeah because the fbi and the cia they had like reams like of documents like on john lennon they were like tapping his phone and stuff yeah right fbi saw him sitting in the bed with yoko and they were like this is fucking horseshit i'll get you out of bed she's so ugly i out of bed. She's so ugly. I'll fucking kill you.

She's so ugly. We got to kill him. Dude, you were telling me the other night about that guy that was like, yeah, they're like Coke orgies in DC. And then immediately hours, Madison Cawthorn,

his entire life was destroyed. Literally. It was, he was like, he was, I think on a podcast, he was like, yeah,

there's DC Coke orgies. That happens. I've been invited. And then within two days, there was 10 different stories and videos of him leaked online. Yeah. Just immediately. You remember that story about that madam,

I think it was in the 90s, maybe late 2000s. Heidi Fleiss? I can't remember. What? You guys didn't watch Real Sex? I remember Real Sex. I remember Real Sex. I watched Real Sex. I just don't remember.

I thought you were trying to say Barry Weiss. I misheard. I'm not a Real Sex stan like you guys. Barry Weiss had a sandwich shop. But yeah, she's a good podcast,

by the way. Does she? Yeah. Big fan of hers. She got based. Dude, yo. She left The New York Times and got based.

She used to date Kate McKinnon. Did she? Yeah, yeah. They used to rub pussies up against each other. I love that. She got tired. She left the New York Times and got based. She used to date Kate McKinnon. Did she? Yeah, they used to rub pussies up against each other. I love that. She got tired of Kate's bug-eye face. Doing characters in bed. She saw her play Hillary at the piano. She's like, I'm starting my own university.

Tried to play Hallelujah on her clit. That's great. Anyway, who was saying what? Yeah, somebody was saying something. Somebody was trying to make a point about something. Oh, it was Richie. You said there was a madam. Yeah, a madam in D.C.

She released her little black book and was outing all these politicians for going to her high-end whorehouse, and she was killed a week later. Yeah, I mean, there's so many cases. Wait, look it up. I wonder if that's memory hold dude they're all literally every time i do this i feel like i'm in a movie where i'm like they're deleting my brain yes there was this one will come up telling you while he's looking up there's also two type in like dc madam okay murdered

while he's looking up there was also this like four years ago there was two different congressional reps i think one was from ark. One was like from Alabama. And they were both trying to introduce legislature that would like crack down harder on sex trafficking. Right. Both of them like within a week shot dead in their house. Basically that thing where they're like, yeah, Robert broke in. Yep. Shot him in the back of the head.

Shot them both and then rolled them up in rugs. Rolled them up in rugs. That's what everyone does. People kill themselves. And then they, when they're dead, they roll themselves into rugs. Yeah. They set up like a Reese's thing where they knock it down and they fall it is it is insane because everything is moving away from books which are hard facts and now things can be edited and taken away which is like the technological version of like burning a book yeah to like rewrite history right because nobody all this shit in the annals of history it's it's going to be online it's not going to be in actual like

physical proof like you can't go into an encyclopedia britannica and fucking edit that and that's fact and they can also use the algorithm to like push certain narratives just to like people away from certain things or towards certain things i mean look how quickly like cursive was phased out yeah you know like they're nobody's getting taught i can still do cursive and people treat it like i can speak chinese people are like amazed yeah yeah yeah that's because when you do it you're like oh that make up the oh well my cursive is i just write swastikas for everyone. Is that an S? It's cursive. It's just S-S. Right.

I went to school in Texas. Yeah, it's really gnarly, man. And it does make you feel like, am I insane in person? So this actually somehow is on the internet. I knew this one would be there. Yeah, the DC madam, the woman who knew too much. Yeah, but what website is this? It's on CNN.com.

There's a wiki for it. Really? But it looks so old. Yeah, but what website is this? It's on CNN.com, so. There's a wiki for it. Really? It looks like. But it looks so old. Yeah, wait. It says CNN. Well, because I was very young, but I remember when it happened

and it was like on the news and everyone just had this air about it. Convicted DC man. Where they were just like, yeah, you know, that's what happens. You can't come to power. And you were in DC at the time. Yeah, I grew up there.

Yeah, so. Well, it's like the Epstein thing. Which you grew up at, at ping pong. Yeah, I did. I was born in the basement of comic ping pong. Well, it's like the Epstein thing So what's like the, she grew up at Comet Ping Pong. Yeah, I did. I was born in Comet, at the basement of Comet Ping Pong. Well, it's like the Epstein thing.

It's like, what the fuck? There's the camera doesn't work. This and that. La la la. And then I still have friends who are like, no, dude, he killed himself. Like you're being a conspiracy theorist. Well, that's the thing

because so many people glom onto it. And then like bros that made Anchorman their personality are wearing sweatshirts that are like, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself with a Santa hat on. And then it's like, oh, the conspiracy gets adopted by like dipshits that are like, I have many leather bound books. It's just a joke. Yes. And then it's an eye roll and it goes away. But it's like that's like a legitimate thing.

Like, why is that not like it goes away and then like like later when just lane gets convicted there's absolutely no follow-up on any like think of like any conspiracy case they follow up like a rico case they're like we're gonna get everybody involved with this they painted it in the media it's like this was a lone woman acting alone with jeffrey epstein that was it it. Steven Paddock, the largest shooting in American history. We know literally zero about it. No info online about it whatsoever. You can't find anything

about what happened. There's literally no way he could do the shooting. It doesn't make any sense. You can't even open the windows up there. Trust me, I've tried. I've tried to kill myself in Vegas. You can't do it well dude it's the thing like i i okay so i totally agree with you but then i go to the level of like for what reason like what is the nefarious puppet master reason like i i don't know and then i'm

like i guess not you know for steven paddock i i know exactly what you're saying but for paddock specifically there's like 30 different accounts of they're like, yeah, there was helicopters taking off and the guns were coming from the helicopters. A lot of people suspect that Steven Paddock was basically an arms dealer, like working like, you know, like Blackwater type shit, like underground for the government. It was a deal that went wrong.

Saudi princes basically just started like shooting or somebody started shooting into the crowd and they basically like killed Paddock, blamed it on him. Really? That that's like that's the only that's the literally the only thing i've heard from it that makes any sense well there's like a conspiracy theory about the oklahoma city bombing and i don't know like what the reasoning or like how that but i like uh there's i think his name was like charles yerky or whatever the security guard no the police officer oh that's right it was the first one on site and he publicly stated uh there was like two guys i saw this type van whatever whatever and then he was like lauded as a hero and then within

the year he uh was found dead in a field stabbed up shot in the back of the head and was ruled a suicide and he was telling he was telling his wife during the time he goes if you knew what really happened yeah he's like if they if i'd say what really happened like i don't know what's going to happen to me yeah and it's like what the fuck and but then again it's like i don't know if i'm intelligent enough to like go to the next layer of that onion to find out like what's at the center of this you know right and then i i just get distracted and then it's also tough because anybody like we're throwing this on youtube anybody can like take the time look up everything see where we're wrong and we're probably wrong about a lot of

stuff the pregnant thing but i don't accept that that's real that's the first clip from the podcast no but that actually gets canceled out by how we started this whole thing is that you can't trust any where are you going on the internet? That's the website that, that is in a book and that's been, it's defined. Exactly. So they can go, Oh,

go like when Joe Rogan's like, Oh, let's fact check that. And people are all upset at him. Cause he makes a mistake in a three hour podcast and they haven't fact checked it. It's like, well,

what even is your fucking fact? We live in a fact list society. Like literally what I get pissed about is like, we're all blind people grasping for the truth. And i think anybody who's like on our type of side of thing is like we know shit is fucked up and we're trying to at least yeah like think about like what's happening versus guys who are just like it's all the government is all above board we haven't done anything wrong you're just like crazy fucking um there's this video clip of this uh ex-kgb operative yuri brezman off that uh was filmed in like 1986 i believe and it's called how to brainwash a nation

and he legitimately talks about um psychological warfare uh where it takes multiple decades to demoralize a nation and you have to first start with the education system and get communist ideas into the professors so that you get it into the younger people so that then the government doesn't have to make these laws to subjugate the people wait subjugate?

yeah, suppress suppress the people you then manipulate them so that they suppress each other there has to be like a catastrophic event and then people will not know true from false until the boot is on their throat and the gun is in the back of the head and then they won't even believe that still right and he's like you know espionage people think it's a sexy you you know, like spy thing, but it's just basically information and psychological warfare. And I totally believe that we are reaping the benefits of their sowing.

I think this is true. I think it was like Trotsky and Lenin, or maybe just Trotsky, was like basically kicked out of Russia, and I believe he was in Germany. And this was all the way 90 years ago. Hitler literally sent at least Trotsky back into Russia to try and sow discontent during wartime amongst the masses. So that's like a principle that's gone back at least that far. Well, me personally, in high school,

I went to a school and spray painted this. I'm not going to say school names. This school sucks, blah, blah. Other school forever. Other school rules. And then turf their lawn. And then went to the other school and spray painted like, this school sucks, blah, blah. And then there was a fight between these guys.

It's that easy. Yeah. So imagine at the level they have. My buddy put bleach in the field in the shape of a dick. We were just bored kids. Imagine what I could do. And then Steven Paddock killed 60 people.

I know. You know Michael Hastings? You ever heard of the Michael Hastings shit? Yeah. The car crash. I've been to the tree. He was blown up. He was blown up in his fucking car and they drove him right into a fucking tree we can go visit it

after this if you guys want my favorite places to go yeah well i i didn't know that the 9-11 let's roll thing was fake that is fake yeah it's like it's just to make us it was to make us feel like patriotic rah rah yeah yeah it did that does disappoint me that it is fake i know yeah i mean that's what i'm saying is that that got to me where i'm like i'm i'm one of those guys yeah yeah it was a cool thing yeah totally we're cowboys now do we even know did they rush the cockpit like was it even a thing like in the ukraine war the fucking death angel of russia where it was completely fake those guys that go the ghost of keeve yeah yeah we're gonna kill you and they're like kill us fuck mother russia it's like no they were just captured and taken away

well they even tried to release like official statements like the uh the angel of keeve or whatever he was called they like he was passed away in a in a dog fight this morning and then people are like yeah that's not we're not finding any records and they're like oh that was actually misinformation sorry well dude i'm like in a chat with like my old friends from high school and i'm like dude this is like complete propaganda that we're falling for it doesn't exist and they're like it helps the citizens get arms and fight back so it's worth it i'm like but you think it's only happening here i'm like we were a huge propaganda machine for so we still are are. It's insane. And also that same metaphor, even with the war in Ukraine, the fact that gas is $8 a gallon.

You literally see Chevron, Exxon, and BP just posted their first quarter profits for the year. I think BP is 400% increased profit from last year. Chevron's 200. I think Exxon just posted their highest quarter in literally 20 years. It's people using misinformation. And all those people pay congressmen. They have the biggest lobbyists there are.

Well, Biden the other day, what the fuck did he say? He was like, you know, the Putin increase is what's really get it. Like, he's blaming everything on that. Yeah, and then, like, his tweets are like when i'm president i will yeah his tweets are like he's still running for president yeah he's like he's like when i'm president i'm gonna do something about this gun stuff yeah someone should do something was so fucking great you're literally like the president yeah you have the most power of any man in the world insanity dude that's like trump being like well you know

if only someone would come along and you know turbo speed this vaccine you know I did make the mistake though the other day arguing in my group chat no honestly dude like name one fucking bad thing Trump did seriously man

we're in a worse situation now and then they listed all this shit and I was like I'm gonna be honest you guys are right yeah you guys totally right i was wrong i didn't think i get so it kind of bad guy i get so caught in that like in my woker group chats well they'll just like say something annoying and i'll just like push my little hat forward and be like i love trump yeah yeah and then they're like well this this is i'm like oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i like my candle i'm actually gay i'll be in the corner of the room eating my bag of baby penises yeah i don't care i'm not polite but all i know is our lives are like way worse right now under

joe yeah like yeah it's way more difficult to get gas i mean it's like it cost of everything's more i totally agree but my thing is like every president gets blamed for the transgressions of the prior administration so i don't know what is trump's fault and what is and that's also like i can i just say real quick sorry go ahead i just do know that biden promised that everything would be better and nothing bad would happen. So it's like, that's worse. I feel because he truly literally sold us a bag of lies and everyone bought into it.

And it's, it's, he also just isn't even, it doesn't have the mental capacity to even pretend to like explain to us like why it's that bad. He just goes like blame Putinin he's like wanders off into an airplane the putin price it's just so annoying it's so frustrating and how hard it was like oh i was just gonna say very quickly that see that's the hard thing is like also there was like a price gouging bill on gas that the dims did put forward and every republican vote against

it it didn't pass but at the same time the dems could literally end the filibuster at any moment and they don't do it so it's almost like you feel gaslighted yeah for being like well the republicans suck but it's like our like the democratic party like using that to like they have a chance to like undo all of this it's as if they're not working for us yeah huh it's crazy can i be honest man yeah you know what like, truly? I think the pandemic ultimately showed us that, like, I don't think people are afraid of dying. I think they're afraid of living. Should we end on that?

Yeah, let's end on that. Let's go get some fucking food. You sure we shouldn't do a mulligan? Come on! Whip your penis out! All right, patreon.com slash HeyWatchPodcast. Ian, there's a couple thousand people. First of all, I loved this.

And I'm a big fan of the podcast. And I'm a fan of you guys. And I'm so glad that we are friends. It's so nice. It's so weird to be friends. It's like a weird online thing. But it's almost more real than living in the same area in a way because you like yeah you know it's weird like you like when i was

getting like sober i wasn't ever as bad as he had of course but i would call you in all the time and he would help me through all this it was like weird meeting him yeah in person for the first time yeah yeah we never met yeah yeah i tried to kiss him he punched me. Yeah, yeah. And I went home and jerked off too. iAnimal69, Instagram, Twitter, and Twitch. Next weekend, June 17th, 18th, it's going to be at Royal Comedy Theatre, Toronto, Canada. Weekend after that, Columbus, Ohio, Natalie's Grandview, July, headline Cleveland Hilarities,

American Comedy Company, Governor's Long Island, lots of stuff coming up come on out hear a joke have a smoke and suck my dick hell yeah thanks for listening later bye