Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Play Against The Guys

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

Devan tells stories about his infamous Uncle Stan, John recaps taking Devan and Joey to Wi Spa and the great Conner McNutt talks about beating up his brother and getting roofied at a bar in New York Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/  

All right, welcome to the hate watch podcast the most diverse podcast in America as you can see I'm joined here by my black friends I I sought I brought up Stan before on the show I brought up Stan my uncle Stan on Tim's show before I had to see him today. What was that like? I didn't know you saw him today. I was just there. I walked there because he was a victim of a couple internet scams. He's getting old to the point where he's getting emails and he's like, I never bought $5,000 worth of PayPal. So I walked over there because my car's in the shop

because I got in a little accident on the way home. I was at my N-word premiere. I went to the premiere of the show, the black show, Bus Down. For those who don't know. I was on a show called Bus Down. Everybody. It's on Peacock. I know everyone has Peacock.

It's easy to access you'll get more trouble for mentioning that you said that i said it as a this than on actually saying it on peacock well anyway i was on a show called bus now and on peacock and i said the n-word and uh but it's all it was in very good taste um clans members told you to say it it really sounds like it wasn't in the script it wasn't i didn't even know the cameras were on my friend's show and I said the N-word a bunch. I took creative liberties and they liked it. That was my first day in show business. I showed up to NBC Universal Studios and I just screamed the N-word.

And people were like, how does it feel? And I was like, I do this all the time. They're like, this kid's got spunk. I told a guy, I go, I come to NBC Universal like every morning and say the N-word. I watched the episode with Jordan. Yeah. That's like the least problematic. Like there's like.

Oh, I say a big. I have a house. Yeah. I make a house like the black guy. House slave joke. Yeah. I go, I say to this light skin guy, my friend Langston, I go, you must have a lot of time to read when you're in the house all day.

Yeah, but you weren't like funny when you were doing it. No, I'm a mean man in the show. Holy shit, Devin. And so I had to watch the show around all these blacks. And, oh my God.

It was fun, but it was a little awkward because I'm like, I say it and then everyone looks, I'm like, hey everybody, I didn't write it. You know, know like whatever so i got pretty drunk there and then uh it was driving home unfortunately i was driving that was my first question and i got i got cut off oh and it kind of

freaked me out like really like i drove past me really fast like just ran into my lane and kept speeding and I hit the side of the freeway and I fucked my entire my wheel up. And you just drove home? I drove home literally like Jordan Belfort in the scene when his car is beat to shit and it's falling apart. Literally, it was like a jalopy.

I'm driving the jalopy home. It's making horrible noises. The whole car is shaking. So it's at the shop. So I couldn't drive to my uncle's stand. So I walked there today. And he's just getting scammed. I walk in and he's on the phone with Citibank. And they're like, hi, sir.

How can I help you? He's like, god damn it. Where have you been? To the lady at customer service. He's like, I've been waiting for you to pick up. You whore. He might as well just go that far. And so he, whatever.

I tell him it's a scam, and he ends up yelling at a few other customer service people. It's all handled. Then he forces a big wheel of cheese on me as I walk home. He goes, Devin, you need to take this cheese. I have too much cheese here. And I'm like, I don't need cheese.

I'm walking, too. Another scam. He goes, Devin, I signed up for another scam in Wisconsin. They've been sending me cheese. So I'm like, all right,

just give me the cheese. He gives me a giant block of sharp cheddar. Okay. So I leave. I walk with the sharp cheddar i call rich to pick me up because the cheddar's gonna melt so i get picked up and whatever we come back and uh but i just brought up stan because he's the biggest character anyone could ever meet he's he's

my unofficial i've never met him he's not crazy this is a little this is a picture of him um i know exactly what it looks like well this is for the for the folks yeah that met him he's not this is a little this is a picture of him I know exactly what it looks like well this is for the folks that's him he's a wonderful man he's 86 years old he's about to call you a faggot he literally probably called me a faggot right after that he's gay and he calls me a faggot all the time

Stan has called me and Devin faggots in public in front of people like loudly twice I think one time he pulled up and we were taking a walk and he just went what arein faggots in public in front of people like loudly twice i think one time he pulled up and we were taking a walk and he just went what are you faggots up to and we were at a mexican restaurant we're about to get uh what did he say we're the he fucking talked to the valet remember that oh he we've been banned from multiple restaurants like my whole life with him remember when you and i went and saw American Sniper with him? He forced us to go see American Sniper.

And John, we all had to sit in different places because it was sold out. So John just left in the middle of the movie because he just didn't like it and left. So then we walk out front and Stan's like, where were you? And John's like, I wasn't enjoying it and my seat sucked, so I just left. And he goes, you little motherfucker! He acted like a hated American. I'm a veteran cocksucker he goes you disrespected the flag he got so he dressed me down for like 10 minutes he like yelling at john in the front of the arc light all these people are walking to see the movie and they just see this insane man yelling at like a kid basically i had this woman who was like obviously like obviously an Iraq veteran next to me and she was just like

every two seconds wouldn't stop like just being like racist against Muslims and then I'm watching this movie about essentially just like a liar. Like this guy the sniper and I was just like this is so fucking annoying and I just left. And then he dressed me up for like ten minutes. And then he took us out to Thai food and he wouldn't let John eat. Yeah he wouldn't let me eat.

He ordered a bunch of food and then he'd be like this is for the this is for the patriots yeah he was like i was like i was like and i'm like really fat at the time yeah you're like hungry he's like no egg rolls for the fat traitor oh my god and he fucking we went to we went to ben was it bennegan's i don't know it was the fucking what it was like a Mexican restaurant and he's like, you know, these women are like behind us. It was me and Stan.

Oh, and by the way, he's like, he like, he would just threaten me and me and Devin like broke his shit at the time and he just keeps threatening to like ladle us with the bill.

He's like, yes, he always does that. He goes, he takes you out. He goes, it's on me. And then he gets like a lot of food

and then he goes like, it's on you. He goes, you're paying. He goes, if you don't pay, I'll never talk to you again. He's a criminalmind he's a criminal mastermind he really is uh like a month or a month or so ago i'm with him he's in his car he sees like his like neighbor up the

street from afar it's like this like middle-aged woman like probably a lesbian like bulldike kind of like you know and he sees her from afar and he starts yelling like hey hey hey and she's like in the distance like what what do you what do you want he pulls up and he goes you from afar and he starts yelling like hey hey hey and she's like in the distance like what what do you what do you want he pulls up and he goes you look like philip seymour hoffman from back there and she she looks furious like what and then he just drives off honestly hilarious well dude my favorite stan story from back in the day was when you talk about driving by the star wars premiere and it was kids and and they're dressed as Jedis. And Stan was like,

look at all these little gangsters. A bunch of thugs. He goes, look at all these thugs. And I'm like, Stan, they're dressed as Star Wars characters. With red and blue lightsabers. He thought they were holding guns. The guts and crips.

Dude, he's half Mexican. So he thinks he can get away with like saying ridiculous like racist shit like about mexican people yeah but he just looks like a white dude sure but his mom was fully mexican so one time he like i was like 12 or 13 it's like it's your birthday i'm taking you to get a present so we go to like the glendale galleria we go to a footlocker i'm like all fat and depressed i don't even care i'm like i don't know whatever i don't even want to be with him because he's just insulting me the whole day yeah takes me to a footlocker. I'm like all fat and depressed. I don't even care. I'm like, I don't know, whatever. I don't even want to be with him because he's just insulting me the whole day.

Takes me to a footlocker. He's like, you can get some basketball shorts. And I'm like, all right. So I pick out some shorts and I like try them on. I come out of like the dressing room

or whatever. And he goes, that's what you want? Around all these, all these people standing in line like next to us. And I go, yeah.

And he goes, you look like a beaner. Oh my. And I'm like, Stan, you can't say, standing in line like next to us and i go yeah he goes you look like a beaner and i'm like you can't say i like well i literally have told people i don't know him in public before i've said i don't know he just i i just met him today like i've it's it's he's insane so but i brought him up because this this this interaction with him today i I love him. You know, he's like, he's in my life. I love him to death. But the day Kobe died, worst day of my life, you know? Stan is the type of guy that kind of like, he's, you know, oh, I feel bad for Devin,

but he takes glee in breaking the news to you. So I have to play this voicemail that he left me. January 26th, 2020, worst day of my life. I'm the saddest any man could be. And this is what Stan thinks is a good message to leave somebody. Devin, this is your

favorite godfather. Sad news. I don't know if you've seen it, but it just broke Kobe Bryant was killed in a helicopter crash and you don't know if three of his daughters were with him

but the pilot that would make five dead as they say so I don't know what's going on but I just thought you should know I feel very bad but he said you can hear the, you can hear the,

he's talking like Stephen Hawking at the beginning too. What the hell is going on? You can hear the grin. He sounds like a robot and he's like, and by my calculations it should be five dead.

It's insane. Everything about that voicemail is insane. He goes, Devin, your hero, Kobe Bryant. Sounds like your hero, Kobe Bryant, has been killed with his daughter in a helicopter crash. He goes, Devin, your hero, Kobe Bryant. Sounds like your hero, Kobe Bryant,

has been killed with his daughter in a helicopter crash. He goes, five others are dead as well. And if the Batman doesn't show himself, five more will die. He's a Batman villain. He's insane. He's truly a Batman villain. He has diabetes. He's been trying to give me diabetes, I mean, he's been trying, he has diabetes.

He's been trying to give me diabetes my whole childhood. Like he would like force me to finish my like dessert. He'd be like, you're eating your cake. Yeah. And it's always like, it's got ketchup in it or some shit. He serves the weirdest food. He'd be like, come on. He'd be like, I'm giving you lunch.

You be grateful for lunch. And I'm like, okay. So he boils like a hot dog. He puts it on like a frozen bun. He opens a can of peaches. He pours the can of peaches right next to the hot dog. Then puts it on like a frozen bun. He opens a can of peaches. He pours the can of peaches right next to the hot dog. Then he opens up some cottage cheese. Literally

my whole life, I would have to wait for him to go to the bathroom and I'd run out with the plate and I'd throw it into his yard. Oh my god. Crazy. Everything at his house is dirty. Everything's dirty. Everything's filthy. He has like three dogs. They all have like mental problems. They're all dogs that he like rescued. Like one of them, you can't go near. He's like, no, no, have mental problems. They're all dogs that he rescued. One of them, you can't

go near. He's like, no, no, Devin. It was beaten with a laptop. One time I tried to handstand his laptop and the dog just goes like, ah, ah, there's free here. I go, Devin, I told you, the laptop. It was beaten with a laptop. And he always names them after

old Hollywood movie stars like Bridget. He goes, where's Bridget Bardot? It's like this little dog with one eye and mangled legs. I just remember him telling these women behind us, we were sitting and having lunch, and they were having a really good time and just kind of talking at a semi-louder-than-normal level, and he just turns around and faces them and goes, will you all shut the fuck up?

Every time you're around him, there's like a moment. There's always a moment. Well, dude, it's kind of like the dream is to just be an old, out of touch man who's like,

that's how I'd want to end up. I want a lot of good years. Yeah. But then just eventually be a man who tells people to shut the fuck up. Just in public and nothing happens.

Yeah, just be an absolute psycho. No one cares anymore. He used to, I used to, my whole childhood, I'd be at like the grocery store with him and he'd be like just he'd ask like the the clerk like how's your sex life honey and she's like what like and then he would tell the bag boy to like individually package everything he goes i want all the canned goods in one in one box and you know like and

then they would like flip out and they'd be like fucking you do it then old man and like like walk out i was constantly terrified that he was going to be beaten to death in front of me. Literally, he has so many vendettas with people. He is constantly being banned from places in Silver Lake. Everyone knows him. I've been out, and I've seen him, but I didn't let him know that I saw him, and he didn't know I was there. And I've heard people go like, oh, there's that man.

Oh my God. I do think that's how my dad will end up. Yeah, probably. I think so. Because it's in him already. He's had absolute meltdowns. You know that Subway story? Have I ever told you that?

No. I was a kid. I was probably like, I don't know, probably eight, nine years old. And remember at Subway, they'd have like the kid's meal. It was like on a bun. Yeah.

Do you remember that? Yeah, kind of. like it wasn't a roll it was like a bun and uh my dad ordered me a kid's meal turkey sandwich and the guy was like uh yeah okay we can do that but we're out of like the the buns my dad's like okay just put on a six inch and the guy was like sir we're not allowed to do that it's like a different bread we gotta charge you for the six inch and he was like excuse me and he just kept saying no to my dad my dad fully flipped out me like what do you mean it's bread and he like knocked over chips just fully flipped out like yeah just ripping them off the rack freaking out screaming so the point where i think the kid was on he wanted to be like is this about the bread? Like what's going on in your life?

This cannot be about the bread. One time we were at Astro Diner, which Stan has been like literally like banned from like seven times. He's been unbanned there. But we always wait for them to get new management and then we just sneak right back in. But he got banned because he was talking to one of the waitresses and he thinks he speaks good Spanish, but he speaks terrible Spanish. So in Spanish, he asked her about her boyfriend. He goes, does he fuck good?

And he made the fuck gesture. He goes like, fuck, does he fuck good? He just has an accent, that's it? Yeah. No, he goes like, fuck. I don't know. He's out of his mind. It's insane.

There was a Chinese restaurant in downtown LA next to Philippe's. And we went there all the time. It's like the worst Chinese place. They finally went out of business. Thank God. He would only go there. He would go there.

He'd bring both his dogs that he got fake seeing eye dog papers for. He signed up for fake papers that they're service animals when they literally have no clue where they are. They're moronic dogs. We walk in. Every time we would walk in, the Chinese guys would come out

of the kitchen and be like, no, no dog! No dog! And he would walk over to them proudly and he'd pull it out like he's an FBI agent. He goes, I have the papers, cocksucker. And he'd show them the papers. He would walk into the kitchen and he would hold it up and be goes, I have the papers, cocksucker. And he'd show them the papers. He would walk into the kitchen and he would hold it up and be like, I have the papers! And he's holding his dog

and he's barking. And they just, hey, they probably poisoned our food. Amazing. I wouldn't trade them for the world because it's like these stories are just unbelievable. They go on and on. This is just like the tip of the iceberg. They're literally endless. One time we were at a play. He loved taking me to plays because he's an old gay guy and we went to

a play when i was like 13 14 and he's so great at like just scamming people and he and we're waiting at like one of those like fake like coney island hot dog places and on hollywood boulevard for the show to start and he's in like a back room like talking to all these like like older women that are about gonna go to the play too and i hear them and he's like like talking about their palms and like reading their palms and talking about their futures and he he'd be like oh no you're you're going to see good things coming for you and then he goes and you honey you need to get more confidence and all this shit he walks and then he walks out and and he sits next to me and then they all walk out of this back room and they hand him

$40. Thank you so much. Oh my God. He goes, anytime, anytime. They thought he was a psychic. I've seen him talk his way out of getting a ticket, a parking ticket one time. He pulled over and this woman, were you with us when the parking enforcement officer was like, you're parked in a red

and he was like, honey, I for you you hang out with stan solo i don't oh well my sister lived with him yeah so i fucking yeah we pull over he's gonna get a parking ticket and he's like honey i have some costume jewelry for you and he like gives it to the fucking parking lady and just talks his way out of getting a ticket it was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my life i know well it's it's crazy that he's he's getting scammed now yeah yeah no i know it's like you know that point yeah he's getting phone calls from home advisor he's like oh a worthy adversary he's met his match with the norton antivirus scam devon i'm on the phone with my arch nemesis i need your help he's like friends with susan sarandon's son.

Susan Sarandon's kid lives across the street from him. But he doesn't call the guy. The guy kind of hates him because he doesn't refer to him by his name. He just goes, Susan Sarandon's son. The great thing about a guy like Stan is that anything you tell me, I go, of course. Right.

What a perfect life. He's incredible. I used to see him. He has a pond. He used to yell at his fish. Like his fish, they weren't swimming the way he liked. And he'd be like, or he'd be feeding them and they wouldn't like eat it immediately. And he'd go, sit still.

To a fish. I'm teaching him paw he's trying to train his fish how to come he's like come now heel I said damn it that's crazy he has tenants and he like just is always in a dispute

with them because like he'll just go into their place when they're gone like just he'll just be like they've been smoking he'll just go into their place when they're gone. He'll just be like, they've been smoking. He'll rearrange things, and then they get in massive fights with him. He's the worst man of all time. It's really insane. My sister used to, he would wake my sister up at like 6 in the morning,

7 in the morning, just hitting her window with water from a hose. He'd be like, wake up,. And then just hit her fucking wall. It was insane. One time he tried to take me to get Kobe shoes when I was a kid and, and we couldn't find them. And he, he found some like Armenian dealer in Glendale that had them. And I'm with my mom too.

And he, my mom says that when he, she was standing next to him, I was like in the car. She says that Stan said, listen, the kid has cancer. Literally like out of school of rock. He goes, goes look at him he doesn't have much time left

and he like got the deal on the shoes the guy thought i had cancer i was like nine he's an absolute winner he's a he gets done god he's just been wheeling and dealing at thrift stores and for 20 years years one time i went to real sorry but i i we there's another shitty chinese place down the street from his from his house and i would always work in his yard and the summers and shit because he has a massive yard yeah full of plants and shit and he told me to go to the chinese place and get some food and he was a regular there you know and he would always harass them and stuff and they were they kind of played it cool they were kind of cool with him and then so he sends me alone and I walk in and the first thing this,

this awesome Chinese lady says, she goes, Oh, you know, bring the crazy man with you. Tell him what he calls Asians. You ever heard of this? No.

He calls them Buddha heads. Oh God. It's a lot of Buddha heads in here. He's literally the type of guy at dinner to be like, he's the type of guy to be like, he'd be like, you call them Orientals, Devin. It's rude to say that. Look at all these Buddha heads in here.

I mean, he like, you know, he lives, you can't whistle around him like one time I was whistling and he goes Stefan stop it and I'm like I'm like okay and he goes

I can't take the whistling one time there was a man in the alley and he whistles I was like what he then moved on for context Stan grew up like

on fucking San Pedro Street in like the 1920s yes he grew up here in like yeah sure yeah for context it was real real rough for Stan what did he do for money his whole life um he was a uh like an accountant oh and then he was people let him manage yeah he managed their money he told me he used to trade alcohol for condoms

in like the 1930s through a hole in a wall and it was like and that's what he did for money i don't know what the fuck he made his bones oh i made my fortune trading gin for condoms it was he'll give you these like little insights into like 1930s 1940s la that are like really kind of crazy we were just like whoa what the fuck this guy he looks great he's got to be he's 86 years old and he looks amazing works in his yard all the time he still goes to the swap meet. He gets into... It's really the power of disputes. Well, I think, yeah,

I think hate keeps you alive. Hate keeps you going. It really does. It, like, cleans out his... It fuels you. It cleans out his heart. You have a reason to wake up every day. Yep.

Does he still smoke? Yeah, he was smoking when I got there today. He was a blast. 86-year-old smoker. He was blasting cigs when I got there. And does he do that thing

where he's like, I don't inhale? Yeah, he doesn't inhale. He just lights them like incense and he just kind of, like, puffs them. He smokes them like cigs when they got there. Does he do that thing where he's like, I don't inhale? Yeah, he doesn't inhale. He just lights them like incense and he just kind of puffs them. He smokes them like cigars? Yeah, yeah. He used to inhale. He smokes like king cigarettes. Like king menthol cigarettes, like cigars.

Yeah, he smokes like $3 cigarettes. They're like cigarettes that were made in like 1950. He got them out of a ration pack from World War II. MRE cigarettes. They got lots of flavor, Devin. I got this at a thrift store. But also he's the type of guy

where he's, I don't know, older gay guys that never were quite comfortable coming out, they assume, he thinks every single person's gay and every place. He thinks every place is a front for gay sex. Like we would go to Circuit City

all the time and he would be like, this place is just a den for gay sex. I know what you're all up to. He has that weird thing though. He has this self-loathing because back in the day, he couldn't be an out gay man or else he'd just get his ass kicked. It's that weird

thing where I remember one time I asked him, I was like, Stan, are you gay? He's like, no, fuck no. And I was like, but your dog's name is Bridget Bardot. He, he, uh, he, yeah, it's, it's really bizarre. It's, it's like, um, he just, he just, he's just a closet. He's been closeted. It's sad. It's like really sad.

It's because it's because it was so, he was so afraid to tell people back then and get he was a very good looking guy back. Very good looking. He was like, he was an old Hollywood.wood he was like he could have been an actor he looked like tom hanks but like bad like a model tom like perfect tom hanks he was in the bay of pigs he was on the plane he says this i don't know i think he i'm gonna run with it run with it he believes it fully he says he was on the plane and he was terrified and then they turned it around but i tell you what he told me when he told me that story i go he goes there are a bunch of boys on

the plane and they're all crying and everyone's crying. And I was like, what were you doing, Stan? He's like, I was soldier of the fucking year. I was jumping to Cuba. I was like, imagine Stan killing Fidel Castro. Just by annoying him to death, Fidel kills himself. He's like, listen here, cocksucker.

That's my uncle Stan. Oh God. What he's amazing he's amazing yeah those are all the hit like even uh just like meaningless interactions calls a story yeah just like the one couple times i've been over there he want he was like trying to give you lemons like he was just forcing lemons on you and he's like hey devon go pick lemons from my lemon tree go devon's like doesn't want to do it so he's like all right i'll go over there he starts like picking a couple of lemons he's like not the ones in the front the ones in the back you fucking asshole yep okay and then they start falling on his uh his creek and he's like pick those you're ruining my my fish you're gonna kill my fish yep do you think he's being like these are bits to him? I don't think so. These are good life bits.

No, he loves abusing Devon. He's gotten away with this his whole life. Yeah. Somehow my parents let me hang out with him for too long, and they should be prosecuted, honestly, my parents. I think it's like his early days must have been so stringent and strict. I think he just runs with that. Yeah.

Like he's like, it's really kind of crazy. I don't think he's like fucking around. I think he really just is like expects you to know what to do his way all the time of the time yeah he had an antique store on hollywood boulevard like next to like that sabor mic okay and it was a rough part of hollywood boulevard for a while the antique store was not set up it was a maze like nobody could even walk into it it was just full of crap and he would like i would help him all the time and sit there all day with him as a kid and he would just like leave me inside alone for like hours at a time and like go talk to like the russian guys like down the block or whatever and like crazy people would wander in and like they'd

rifle through his like ashtray for cigarettes like homeless people and i'd be sitting there watching like a vhs copy of bring it on like in the back and i'm like is he gonna kill me i'm like terrified for my life like where's stan then we'd go to sizzler and he'd like yell at the people at sizzler about upping the price on the buffet i mean just unbelievable unbelievable person just immense anxiety every time you hang out with them yep you kind of need someone like that in your life though yeah he used to he would take me junking he called it where we'd wake up at like five six a.m and go to go to local uh yard sales right sometimes we'd be on like a major street he drives like 15 miles per hour on like the highway like he like he doesn't drive he's a terrible driver and we'd be like sometimes literally on like a major street

where traffic is going and he'd see something he likes like across the like the the street and he'd stop his car in the middle of the street and he'd yell at me to get out of the car and run across the street and ask them how much it is and he'd like literally yell at me to the point where i'm like okay okay, I get out. It was like fucking like bow finger. Like I'm running across this like street,

like almost getting killed at like 12 years old. And then I run back. I'm like, they say it's 50. He goes, 50 is bullshit. Tell him I'll do it for 30.

Run back. I'm dodging traffic like Frogger. He actually is the coach from Dodgeball. He's ripped horn. That's exactly, he's ripped horn from Dodgeball. He's Rip Torn. That's exactly, he's Rip Torn from Dodgeball.

Yes. He's doing, he talks like him, he's making you run across the highway. This is incredible. Somebody, you know,

Vince, Ben Stiller must have met Stan along the way and been like, that's the inspiration. Yeah, this is the inspiration. I think there's a few characters I've seen on TV and movies

where they're like, they met Stan somewhere. They met him. Absolutely. You know, he sold that thing for like $3,000 at a fucking, at the Roseville. That's his whole career. His whole is he makes a killing. He buys shit for nothing.

And then he's so good at like swindling people and telling them about old Hollywood that like all sorts of like, you know, young professional couples would come into his shop and they'd like, oh, I love this piece. And we were like, you're're damn right you love that piece. That was James Cagney's dresser. Errol Flynn took a shit on this mirror and made his daughter lap it up. You're like, Errol Flynn butt-fucked me on that dresser. But yeah, God bless him. And he always says God bless.

He's like, you know what I mean? He abuses people and then he goes says god bless he's like really you know what i mean like he's like he like abuses people and then he goes god bless you god bless you it's crazy all right what do we got what do we got well john fucking you forced us to force john forced me and joey to go to we spa like oh oh wait we haven't talked about that no oh yeah john like wants to get naked around yeah i thought john's kind of like it's fun secretly really gay yeah i'm gay adjacent john i thought that when i looked at the reddit i thought someone had just like posted no i posted my own nude on the subway you're a psycho dude you posted what he's the one who posted i didn't know

the picture of himself. Oh, that was you? Yeah, that was me. You are a map man. You know what's so funny for me is I do listen to this podcast. And when you first started doing it, you're like, don't follow me on social media. I like to keep my life private. Literally, and you're now posting your own nude. You got so mad because I said your last name. The attention went to your head so fast, it's insane. Well, yeah, it did.

Oh, wow. Yeah wow yeah no this makes absolute sense oh yeah i can't take any more john's like i found a thing sounds like i found it john's getting so caught up john and i have been friends for like a decade like i will never not be friends with john the other day he calls me he's like i don't know man i've just been in a really bad headspace i'm getting worried you know the podcast is gonna blow up and we're just gonna like not be friends anymore like opiate anthony Anthony. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm terrified. No, the thing is, it's like, well, it's not, no, I don't know.

It's not that it's just like the entire ride home. We'd listen to that entire fucking Opie and Anthony thing. Oh, right. The fights. Yeah. My mind runs. And like, I'm just like, I'm not saying we're going to reach like Opie and Anthony fame, but I'm just like, I'm like, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm kidding. That's the, that's what Opie got. Hold on, hold on. Let's go to John in Cincinnati. Hold on. The thing is, is I'm just like,

I'm just like, you know, a lot of our conversations are about the podcast. And I was just like worried. And I had like this fucking panic moment where I was like, you know, are we only going to talk about the podcast now or some shit? It's just crazy.

I get stressed. No, it's fine. I just want, I just want to, you're a good hearted boy. Yeah, man.

You're doing a great job. You're great. The people's fine. I just want everybody to be happy. You're a good-hearted boy. Yeah, man. You're doing a great job. You're great. You're great. The people love you. I love you. A couple people probably hate you. A lot of people hate me. Yeah.

It's how it goes. It's cool. Do they? Oh, yeah. Like fans of the podcast don't like you? No, not my podcast, but like Tim Dillon or the people. Oh, yeah, yeah. They want to kill me.

Of course, of course, yeah. Well, they kind of hate Tim at times too. They're all in parasocial relationships with everybody. They're the type of people that are nuts. They're being run by who they love. The Tim fan is the type of guy

to be like, drove five hours to see the King Pig in Cincinnati. He canceled the show. Guess that's just some fake business for you, baby. That's life in the big city, my friend. I'm going to go on to Reddit and talk about it. You're morons. You're morons.

And you want to fuck my girlfriend. And you can't. I fuck her. Fuck you. Anyway. Read the comment. Oh oh and also this guy you get a lot of sideline coaching now because we had tim on it's of course our biggest episode tim is like literally like somebody said it's like he's like human clickbait it's like the same as if we were like kim kardashian sucks john knopf's dick on the hate watch like you just get

views tim is amazing so this guy sideline coach goes, you guys literally left that Pete Davidson article on the screen for 10 minutes? Turn that fucking shit off as soon as you're done reading. Just distracting and makes the show feel shitty. And I just can't help but wonder what type of adult human being cares enough. If you don't like this new podcast, don't comment. Like, who cares?

Just blow your brains off. First off, are you watching a podcast? You're kind of already, like, a little bit of a schizophrenic like who needs to watch anyway so i go i'm so fucking sorry dude i hope your family's okay he goes this guy's name's clark kent he goes they are i am superman after all for real though take that visual aid off screen as soon as you're done referring to it i'm sure this won't shock you but i watch a lot of podcasts and these little things improve the quality a ton but by all all means, keep doing what you're doing. It's clearly working.

You guys are getting 1,000 views per episode, except when the podcast, God, makes a stop. I go, you're right. Everyone's been saying that they'd listen more if we got visuals off the screen in a timely fashion that satisfied an insane man in the comments section of a show he doesn't like who was involved in multiple parasocial relationships with people

that don't know he exists and would hate him if they met him. Thanks for the constructive criticism. That rocks, dude. There's not much to go on from that. There's nothing there. We'll clean up the studio, but every time it's mentioned, two more weeks until we clean it up.

There's always an empty cup of water. Who are these people watching? What is the Fab Five at home like, oh my god honey, the wires on the table are stressing me out. Who are you? Why does it matter? We talk. We got the new table.

I don't even know why people have to film podcasts. We talk. Who are these people? Anyway, let's move on. on well they want the simulation we love you but we love but we also love you and appreciate it and we love the community yeah it's great but yeah but you're like asking us to do work you're like paint the wall there's always something there's always something you're here for this there's always something this is they don't even know why they like all the shit they like besides tim like is there

really anybody at like matt and shane but there, but there's a million giant podcasts that you're like, I love them. You don't even know why. They just pop up in front of you. They're just who's in front of you. No one really knows what they even... There's two people that you should genuinely like, and it's Tim and...

And you. Tim and... There's maybe five great people out there, but anyway. I think this studio looks great thank you this is good you got like this

kind of little bit here yeah that's a little no no no but it's cool though it gives like a studio vibe like there's things going on right right it kind of looks like

what's this it looks like where Isis makes their makes their videos I go to the left and I'm fucking the yeah we were at

Wii Spa and with Joey and we had like what we were kind of drunk yeah we got drunk and then you we you you made us go to we spa like midnight devin hated oh but devin does this thing where he'll be like yeah that's a great idea and then like half an hour the next half an hour he's slowly gonna be like no no i don't want to do this the one where he doesn't want to do it anymore well i thought what a gas i thought like they make you take i didn't i didn't want to do this. He doesn't want to do it anymore. Well, I thought, what a gaslight. I thought like they make you take, I didn't want to take,

I don't get the whole guys getting naked around each other. I don't get that. That's your fat boy syndrome. No, it's just, it's not necessary. Dude, it is the fat boy syndrome. It's fat boy syndrome. I guess it is.

Yeah. I hate taking my shirt off. I hate it still. I have these, I have stretch marks. Dude, look at me. Look at this. Yeah, but you're like, look at me. Look at this shit. Yeah, but you're like...

Look at that shit. Yeah, yeah, but I talk about this all the time. The fat guy confidence, I'm more jealous of that than guys who are ripped to shreds. When I'm at the beach and I see a dude who looks like Superman, I'm like, whatever. When I see a fat guy who's just like, I don't care. I'm like, I'm jealous of him. Yeah, I know. That guy just doesn't care what he looks like.

Yeah, Tony Soprano fat. He's like sexy somehow to women. They truly don't give a shit. That guy just doesn't care what he looks like. Yeah, Tony Soprano fat. Yeah, he's like sexy somehow. They truly don't give a shit. It's just the confidence they have. I'm like, yeah, I could look like Chris Hemsworth and I'd still be like... They're all jolly.

They got a great personality too. I lost weight, but my body still has the effects of the war that I was in for 20 years. I have stretch marks. It looks like a graphing chart of all the shit I ate.

It's horrific. I have a stretch mark right in the front. It looks like a worm. It looks like a graphing chart of all the shit I ate. It's horrific. I have a stretch mark right in the front. It looks like a worm. It looks like there's a giant worm in my belly. I'm disgusting. I look like a muffin man. I have all this sag just coming down over my tongue. There's not really much of a story,

but we went to Wee Spot, and then John and Joey are literally full-on wrestling in the saunas as people are trying to lay down. They keep hitting this black dude's foot and being like, sorry, sorry. And Joey's like, sorry, buddy, but I got to do this. Well, Joey and I, we immediately buy a six-pack, and then we start sneaking the beers in,

and we're getting naked. Into WeSpa? Into WeSpa. Yeah, Joey snuck a bunch of beers into WeSpa. We got in there with beers. It was really surprising. I would do that. Yeah, it was sick.

Well, you got to chug them in the locker room and got to pull defense and have one guy block you. We were just taking turns chugging beers, and then we went into the Jade Sauna and wrestled a bit. But it was very fun. It was an absolute blast. And you enjoyed it. It was a good time.

And you guys didn't get kicked out? No. No. Joey actually, didn't he tell him to fix the glory hole on the way out? Yeah, see? As we walk out, Joey goes, by the way, fix the glory hole in the locker. I think he was like, it was a little rough around the edges.

Yeah. You got to go back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your brother met Kanye, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Like recently?

Oh, you haven't heard this story. This story's great. I've got a new audience member for this. I haven't heard about your brother in like fucking 10 years. You did bear the lead, though. Oh, my God. Wait, what? I hate when this happens.

No, my mom did the same thing to you guys. She goes, Dylan met Kanye. And I'm like, well, it's so much more fun to tell it the other way. Yeah, right. Anyway, so, yeah, my brother, he's sober now, 14 months. Do you know this? Yeah. It's really bad.

But he lives in a sober living house now. And one of the guys who lives there is like 60 years old. He does like landscaping work. So he hits up Dylan. He's like, hey, you want to come do this job with me in Calabasas? My brother's like, sure. And it's getting late and they're running out of light. So my brother turns on his headlights, not the engine, just the headlights to his car.

Car dies, right? And they're waving people down the side of the road. Only one car comes by and it's like a matted out Lamborghini SUV. And the guy gets out of the car and it's Kanye West. Oh my God. And he's like, you guys all right? You guys need help? Oh my God, dude.

He's like a great guy. And my brother's like, are you Kanye West? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys okay? And he's like, dude, I love the song Easy. Fuck Skeet Davidson. Kanye's laughing and he's like, dude, your battery's dead. That sucks, man.

And he goes, I would call my security company, but it's also my ex-wife's security company. Oh. So I don't feel comfortable doing that. He's talking to Dylan like as if he doesn't know who Kim Kardashian is. Yeah. My fucking ex-wife, you know? And my brother's friend tells Kanye that he's 14 months sober, and Kanye's like, congrats, man.

That's incredible. That's a hard feat. Most people can't do that. He's just being a cool-ass dude, you know? And then he stays with them until AAA comes. Oh, my God. He stayed with them for like 20, 25 minutes. Isn't that incredible?

That's great. Just hanging out, conversation, making sure they're okay. I like how he blames his ex-wife in this. So it's like, he's doing exactly what he's doing on Instagram in real life to strangers. That's fucking hilarious. He's getting more allies. Yeah, right. Exactly.

My brother's going to assassinate Kim Kardashian. If it wasn't for you, I'd be totally... Kanye's like, right now I need to take to the streets and convince just everybody that Kim's a horrible person. He's like, yeah, when your battery jumps up, here's her address. Do what you want with it. You know, whatever.

That's crazy. Yeah, and can you imagine just Kanye... That's like your fantasy about Kobe Bryant, but with Kanye West actually happening. Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to have fantasies that Kobe would break down on. He's like, I'm on my way to a game and I broke down

in front of your house like can you take me? and then in my fantasy he'd put me on his shoulders and he'd run me to Staples Center and Kobe's like my car broke down

and I'm really horny and what's crazy is these are dreams I had less than seven months ago oh wow that's awesome I know isn't it insane

my mom told me this story and she goes i couldn't believe it dylan's like forrest gump that's so funny yeah he just winds up at like incredible that is like a modern day forrest gump story though he's just like on the bus stop and he's like and a musician of sorts a gentleman named kanye west asked if i needed some help has any other thing happened or is it only one Forrest Gump story though. He's just like on the bus stop. And a musician of sorts, a gentleman named Kanye West asked if I needed some help. Has any other thing happened or is it only one? I mean the other stories that happen are much more graphic and brutal.

Like the gang members leaving him in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, getting kidnapped. That story is literally insane. He was kidnapped by gang members. He was kidnapped. He was drunk. Oh, his buddy was drunk driving. And it was my brother's car. So they're hanging out. Oh, his buddy was drunk driving. And it was my brother's car. So they're hanging out, drinking all night, and they need more beer. And this guy

Josh was like, my brother's like, I don't want to drive. And this guy Josh is like, I'll drive. Just as drunk as my brother. Not on the insurance. And my brother's like, good idea. So they get into the car. And this guy pulls the e-brake to do a drift into the 7-Eleven parking lot. He's like Tokyo drifting into the parking lot.

Fucking whips, hits this car. Oh my God. Their tail end hits like their tail end, just fucking crashes into it. And he tried to drive off, but the wheel's like stuck in the bumper and shit like that. And these guys grab Dylan and this guy Josh out of the car and they throw him and they throw sacks over their head. They just had those on hand? Yeah. Jesus. you know hey come on this is Tunga California so they throw sacks over their head and they're like driving around for hours they're holding shit to their head my brother thinks it's a gun you know I don't know it could be anything it

could just be like a stapler who knows but they're like pushing shit into their heads threatening to kill them and then he take they take him out of the car into the wash area, make him sit on their knees. And they like hold something to the back of their heads and Dylan thinks he's like, I'm going to die. They're going to kill me right now. Gangland execution.

Unbelievable. And then they just drive off. And Dylan is sitting there like just don't know what to do. Takes the sack off his head and then just walks home. He just walks home like Saul Goodman stuck in the desert.

Yeah, he walks home and we wake up to this note on the kitchen table. It's just like the worst handwriting in the world. It's like shaking, you know, and he's like, hey, mom, dad, I was kidnapped last night. So please don't wake me up. I'm pretty tired. You literally can't write that.

Yeah, that's unbelievable. unbelievable just let me sleep in because i was kidnapped and a little shaken up but yeah it was i remember one of the hardest i ever left was very happy that dylan is done with this he's doing great now he's doing great but there was a really rough period of time where connor had a story every time i saw him connor's like dude it's just been so stressful my brother like keeps going to work drunk and i'm like what does he do and he connor's like he's a valet he like drives cars well yeah it's like a bit idea i still i still do it sometimes but yeah he was fuck he was he would be like i came home one time my mom was like he's drunk he's trying to drive to work where he valets cars

you know and it's like i'd like that that story was insane because i had to run out there and like be like don't do this he was like suck my dick i was like no no i don't want to do that and i was like dylan you can't drink and drive and go to work and he goes i do it all the time as if i'm gonna hear that me like all right i didn't know you were good at it go ahead but, then I beat the shit out of him. That was insane. He's got a big fight. Yeah, it was like an epic fight. Like I had to like reach into his ignition, pull the key out.

He starts chasing me around the street. I stop and I go, Dylan, look, I'm doing this for you. I care about you. And then he puts his hand on my throat and I go, I go, dude, you got three seconds. Take your hand off my throat before I kick your fucking ass. And I count down. I go, three, two, one. And he kicks me in the nuts.

Oh, no. Just like a perfect goof. Honestly, so funny on his part. I mean, like an all-timer bit. Like a three stooges bit. Just counting down to get goofed, you know? And then I beat the shit out of him. Like I really just like beat the living shit out of him.

And my mom is coming out. My neighbors are coming out. You know, I felt Irish for the first time in my life. I was like, dude, I am Irish. This is awesome, right? Get him up. I bring him inside. On the way inside, he throws a hammer at me.

Like he takes a mallet and throws it at me and it barely misses me. And we put him dead we put him dead he knocks out right away and i go inside to to see my mom she's crying inside and i'm like kind of nervous because like i did what i had to do i had to beat him up yeah there was no other way out of that yeah but i still felt bad about it like my mom watched her son beat up her other son our neighbor saw it was a fucking shit show and I sit down with my mom and she's crying and I'm like, is everything okay? And she goes, that was

incredible. She goes, I've never seen anyone get beat up like that. And then she goes, you reminded me of Marky Mark. I reminded her of Marky Mark. The coolest thing my mom's ever said. Oh my God. Connor's got one of the greatest families of all time.

Yeah, they're fantastic. They're like, you can't, you can't come up with that. And they're all happy for like the first time in like 13 years. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. That's good. My parents have their house back, you know. Oh, right.

Dylan was terrorizing the house forever. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know. It's still the same place? Same place, yeah. Dylan was terrorizing the house forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, it's still the same place. Same place.

Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Wasn't he like trying to like sell your cat or something? Didn't he like, what did he do with your cat? No.

What did he? Might as well. I guess. Run with it. Yeah. Sure. No, there was like a while where he was like finding my old shit at the house.

And I'm in, I'm in New York. And and he's like do you mind if i sell this i'm like why yeah because i know what it's for you know so don't do that but yeah he's he's good now that's great yeah man that's good um all right all right it's time to leave did you guys see uh connor you seen power of the dog no i haven't actually no no it's i've just heard you guys talk about it it's like a homo it stinks it's just not it's just a it's not a good western i thought sam elliott recommended sam elliott hates it too but i didn't i didn't agree with him sam elliott act like just like made up things about the movies like they're all out there on horses dressed like fucking Chippendales dancers. You're like, what?

No, they're not. He just watched Magic Mike. He didn't even watch it. Did you ever see Slow West? No. I feel like it's probably in the same vein. I think it's the same kid from Power of the Dog. Yeah. The only artsy Western I like is Assassination of Jesse James. Where it's got aesthetically...

I like The Sisters Brothers. Did you see that? That was all right. I saw that. John C. Reilly? Yeah. So Jane Campion is the director of this movie, and she's getting a bunch of awards for it just because they have to.

Because, oh my God, a woman made a western. There's also no movies. And there's no movies. What's going to beat this out? Dog? Channing Tatum and a dog on a road trip? Have you seen it? No, I hear it's great. It looks awesome.

It looks really heartwarming. I mean, the way movies went this year, Jackass should have won Best Movie. Jackass kicked ass. So look at this. So this lady's like, female winning for a Western. It's like a big moment for women.

And then she uses this to like just shit all over Venus and Serena Williams. It's like very weird. It's very weird. Very strange. Watch this.

Oh, she looks horrible. Ah. Give my love out. She looks horrible. She looks like a fucking she looks like Iggy Pop. She looks like Iggy Pop. What an ugly woman. She looks like she's about to chew the head off a bat.

Get back behind the camera. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. She looks like shit. Oh my God. She does look like she should be carrying like four bags up to the stage. Like one of those ladies is just always walking around with a bunch of bags. Bag lady. Yeah, a bag lady.

There's a name for it apparently. Here we go. The nominees. And you know, Serena and Venus, you are such marvels. However, you do not play against the guys. Like I have. Oh, God. Look at Serena's face.

She's going to go up there and whoop her ass, dude. I mean, what a ridiculous thing to say. Also, didn't she just beat out her biopic? Yeah, yeah. She's like dancing on it. You don't compete against the guys. She would destroy most men at tennis, right? Yes.

Well, no. I think so. I bet she could take on a bunch of the mid-range professional tennis dudes. She could beat a lot of them. Yeah, like a dude that's really good. But whenever people say, like, best tennis player ever, not females, like, no, no, come on, what are we talking about? I just feel like, personally,

I don't know if tennis has the same discrepancy as far as other sports. Like, obviously, someone from the WNBA is not going to sure yeah no it's not like that but it's there's still a little bit of a difference like I don't think she would be immediately like the best in men's too no no I didn't say that but like most men that play tennis like I think she could

destroy like the best guy at the court you know what I mean yeah well a WNBA player could do that too I don't know if there's like a D-League for tennis. I don't fucking know. Chain Campion's not even like making equal equivalence here. It's like, what is the – yeah, all the cameras are the same. You have the same opportunities as anyone else.

You don't have weaker muscles than men in a sport. It's not like they give women – it's not like the cameras for women are smaller like the WNBA ball. Women can't pitch like men can in a meeting they just can't do it it's not the same thing a man like completely tone-deaf how tall they are exactly but also it's it's about the movies it's not has nothing to make this analogy about the actual game of tennis i know it's so tone-deaf and weird it makes no sense it's not applicable at all no i know it's so strange and and And Serena ends up having to clap for her,

but I think just because she doesn't want to look like the bitter black woman on Twitter or whatever. She should have flipped her off. She should have ran up there and fucking... She should have beat the shit out of her. She should have curb-stuck her. She pulls her shirt down. It's like a black power fist.

She's like, you see this? It means not fucking welcome that's awkward and then she goes yeah she like keeps doing that awkward pump Kirsten

I mean that clip fascinated me she just runs up there she goes you know what's better than power the dog American History X

I mean remember when Meryl Streep was talking shit about the UFC or whatever? It's the same thing. It's the same fucking, like, you know, it's insane. Can you pull that up? Meryl Streep and the UFC shit? Sure. It's like the most inclusive sport of all time. Yeah, it's one of the only sports where the the fan base knows the female fighters yeah i don't

well and look forward to them and also like there's like a lot there's a fucking cross-dressing really famous fighter and shit oh great how much is premium i think i'll pay for it's like 30 bucks a month i'll fucking pay for it um but yeah and then what is naomi Naomi Osaka's crying about a heckler? Yeah. Yeah. So she like mentioned Serena. Well, Serena and Venus just keep getting like thrown under the bus all week and being their

name. They're just being used as pawns. I know. People fucking. So Venus and Serena, the backstory is that they were supposed to play each other in like a finals match or like at the, in some competition. And Venus, I guess had gotten like injured right before it or something like that. And, but it was like a minor injury and the whole, the tennis community was like, bullshit, you guys just don't want to play each other.

And so people were, when Serena won, maybe I haven't switched, but I'm pretty sure there's it. When Serena won, they booed her when she won. So that was like a big tennis moment. When I first saw it, I thought it was going to be like a race thing. Like she's in Australia getting booed because she's black or something. But it wasn't at all. They were just booing her because she didn't... Naomi Osaka

said something about Black Lives Matter like two years ago now? Three years ago maybe? On Twitter, gets lambasted on twitter has like a mental breakdown doesn't play because of mental health she comes back and a guy yells you suck in the arena and she and she asked the line guy i don't know the name of the tennis people to for the microphone i don't think he gives it to her at the time. She plays, she loses, I believe,

and then afterward, there's a video of her talking, and she starts crying, and she compares this to what happened to Serena. Let's watch that before the Meryl Streep. I just like going down award show paths. You've gone down award show paths. There's so many stupid moments. There's so many great moments. There's so many great moments.

I watched the SAG Awards, the entirety of the SAG Awards the other day. I'm like an old queen. I'm like drinking Chardonnay. I'm like, who's going to win best sound? All right. So this is Naomi after the match. She's very sad. You suck!

You suck! I just wanted to say thank you. I feel like I've cried enough on camera, but I just wanted to say, oh, yeah. All right, let's get to it. Come on. It's time to pop the Zoloft and get the words out. I've gotten heckled before. It didn't really bother me.

But it's heckled here. I've watched a video of Venus and Serena getting heckled here. And if you've never watched it, you should watch watch it and i don't know why but like it went into my head and i it got replayed a lot um i'm trying not to cry but i just wanted to say thank you and congratulations. Yeah, just thank you. Okay, that's What? Was she doing it? Was she killing herself at the end? She disemboweled herself. What if the heckler wasn't even, he didn't even,

he didn't know what environment he was in. He was like, he thought he was at a comedy show. He was just like, next joke! She won? No, she lost. Oh, she lost. Yeah, she lost yeah she lost i mean she's still like a fucking champion like come on man right this is the new this is the new shit this is the new shit this is the new shit these these new these these athletes they stub their toe they go into like month-long depressions they don't they don't show up to things tennis is like they then demand to

be paid they don't play it's they blame it on professional athletes so fucking yeah they just this is the new thing they have because we let too much power be in the power of the players now like there was always a discrepancy where like you know yeah the players should have had a little more control but it's just gone so far the other way that now the players will just be like yeah i'll be at the nba finals when i Okay? Yeah, I'll show up when I want to. Like, there's just, and then they, if they make a stink about it and say like,

well, it's because I'm, my dad yelled at me and I'm having mental health problems because of it. Everyone has, well, mental, like there's just buzzwords you can use. Mental health, you know, like social justice issues.

And then the NFL, the NBA has to just be like okay you're right. It'll be a press nightmare. Yeah we'll cancel the season we're so sorry. Well it's like the question are you okay has been amplified onto the world stage. You know when you're feeling down and you're holding it together and someone's like hey are you alright?

And you're like no! That just seems like that's happening in the sports world because mental health is a thing now so people are just more comfortable. But everywhere else in the world you're like no yeah that just seems like that's happening in the sports world because like yeah mental health is a thing now so people are like just more comfortable but everywhere else in the world they're like i know everywhere else in the world they're they're like yeah well it's the lunch rush so can we yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah imagine a bus driver just pulling over he's like i need to take a mental health day he just walks home he doesn't expect to be fired they fire him he's like are you kidding me he's like kairi irving didn't get fired i i remember i remember i was working like my first like fucking restaurant job i was like a fucking barista and it was this

really really uh intense fucking brunch spot in atlanta like insane there's a really small restaurant tons of people going in and i was working really hard and my mom texted me and told me she had covid my mom's like you know, has lupus and is like a stroke survivor. And this is when it was like gnarly COVID. And I was like, I immediately just felt like my heart's sinking. Like, oh my God, I'm like 2,000 miles away from my mom. She might fucking die. Like all this shit.

And like, I remember just like, I like had tunnel vision and I was like going to have a panic attack. And like my boss goes up to me and I go, and he's like, you good? And I'm like, dude, I think I'm like having anxiety attack. My mom just told me she has COVID. And he goes, well, you chose to work at the busiest restaurant in midtown atlanta so get it together i was like oh my god all right i just kept fucking working why even ask are you okay if you're gonna answer that way that's crazy that was wild man but i mean

sometimes you need that it just punches you in the stomach. Get back to work. It was crazy, man. But I was just like, okay. But the thing is, is that guy was a fucking Olympic swim coach before he owned a restaurant. And I was like, oh, maybe these people have like pussy coaches now or some shit. I don't know. I mean, yeah. Tennis is an extremely grueling sport. I only know that from that Netflix series where they like went through different stories and that guy like lost his mind and they like showed what he did

simone bile or sorry uh naomi osaka has a documentary we watched it like a while ago and she's talking about her mental health while like getting massages and like i know it's all for sports it's all for a job but it's like she's like it's just so hard like i'm just you know mentally like dealing with mental health yeah i'll have an acai bowl can someone bring that into me she's like getting massage it's like your life think about i think about like a chick-fil-a employee when they're depressed and they're like my pleasure i'm a mover in new york city it's the hardest job in the world i have no problem saying that it is the hardest job in the world so when i hear stuff like that

i'm like i don't shut up yes connor's job the world. So when I hear stuff like that, I'm like, shut up. Connor's job gives me anxiety across the country. I'm like, oh God, I bet Connor's just stuck on one street right now. They're all honking at him. He's moving a piano out of a fucking truck. I start having panic attacks. I moved somebody during the last blizzard. It was literally

10 feet of snow and I'm moving people. Do you just move? No, we just move. Okay, God, if you packed, I would fuck you. The people who, those companies do the pack also. My buddy's a mover in New York, and he does the packing too. Oh my God.

He probably gets paid less too. Probably. It's such a cool blue collar job. Like that's such a cool new job. Anything with a box truck. When I wear a Carhartt jacket, I'm like, I've earned it. Yeah, what was the, I saw one tweet where it's like, everybody want to wear Carhartt stuff till they got to do Carhartt jacket. I'm like, I've earned it. Yeah. Yeah. What was the, I saw one tweet where it's like, everybody want to wear Carhartt stuff till

they got to do Carhartt shit. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a nightmare. There was one day during the blizzard while I was, I was driving the van and, uh, there was a spot across the street from us. And, uh, you know, those like videos, like those viral videos, like a race car driver who like drifts into a parking spot.

Yeah. I was like, that's a spot right there. And was like all right let me make you turn i just started drifting directly into the spot and like the wheels to the curb and we stopped it like was perfect and we're like all right let's go move now that we almost died i think but uh yeah it's terrifying that's awesome yeah you guys have to like double park, and just don't people just honk and hate you and yell at you? Whatever. You can't do anything about it. I got to get my job done.

Yeah. That's life in the big city. That's life in the big city, my friend. Oh, fuck. I also went to Nassau Community College, and I love hearing King Pig talk about it. That's just a little fake business, baby. Oh, this is the Tim fan.

Okay, I was like, I don't know who this character is. Look at me really quickly. What's going on? Fuck, I really want to watch the Emerson College comedy college videos. Yeah, come on. Let's try. We're winding down here.

We'll rehash something that we've already done before. There's other videos, though. They did a bunch of showcases at Emerson. Emerson College of Comedy. I think there's another special. We didn't watch. They did a new special. They did.

They have more specials than Netflix. That's wonderful. There you go. Emerson College of Comedy. Bill Burr right there. Yeah, that's it. Wait, they let Bill Burr in that building no no no here I don't know dude

I think I know her Joe Bernstein no you think you'll ever run into her I hope alright hold on this is the Emerson College of Comedy stand this is their special

like hotline for all the people's specials there's another one there what about sam we already watched these guys goldstein yeah we watched all these guys i mean that you gotta narrow it down to that one bud nako narder stan goldstein goldstein berg all We're going to do Nako Narder. Nako Narder? I don't know. Is that a Star Wars character? Do you think he's Russian? Because if he's Russian, we can fuck him up. Nako Narder! Give it up for Nako!

Oh, yeah. It's just that bug alien from Star Wars. Nako, more like not going to be funny. Is that a dude or a chick? It's a chick. How come a giant piece of... Don't gender her. Go to the mic. Nobody can hear you. You're not at the mic yet.

Did college not teach you about microphones? You're talking. I just start over because it wasn't in the mic. There we go. I wasn't very memorized so I just had to write this down on whatever was lying around. Which happened to be this.

You're the teacher in the package. Like, that's three points off! Connor, can you imagine your father paying for you to go to the Emerson College of Comedy? Well, my father did pay for Flappers University. It's kind of the same thing. I wonder if there's Flappers University tapes. Oh, boy. I think that was my first tape. We wonder if there's Flappers University tapes oh boy I think that was

my first tape we gotta watch some Flappers stuff I'm not being facetious I went to Flappers University no I know what is it

what do they do it's just a comedy class they just call it Flappers University yeah super embarrassing um is she holding her headshot

a little fun fact about me I'm Asian which a lot of people don't know because they're so used to thinking of me as just like that Jewish girl. Nobody's thinking that. I am Asian.

It definitely didn't help that my parents named me Hanako because it sounds so much like the Jewish girl. Connor's like, these guys are pieces of shit. We're just watching complete strangers do their first stand-up ever. And just bashing them. I've heard you do,

I've listened to the episode when you did this, and I was like, I wish I was there. Now that I'm here, I'm like, this is the meanest thing I could possibly imagine. I do this because we don't have callers, and it would be fun to have callers call in and be like, shut up, idiot,

and hang right up. I do this because we don't have callers and it would be fun to have callers call in and be like, shut up, idiot. And hang right up. Is that us or them? Sounds like you. But sometimes if I really want people to know. No, that's her. What the hell? Her comedy is so bad the mic is breaking.

Yeah, look. Weird. That's kind of how white people are. We're saying like ignorant things in front of my people. Yeah, look. Weird. That's kind of how white people are. We're saying, like, ignorant things in front of my people. Ah, here we go. I think it's because they think, like, babies,

we, like, haven't learned English and won't tell on them. So that's happened a few times. For example, I was with my friend Ryan. How come she's wearing these fucking Dick Tracy pants? And by that, I mean, he was wearing...

Her pants are up to her fucking nipples. I'm just picturing she's a hostess at some restaurant and pants are up to her fucking nipples. I'm just picturing she's a hostess at some restaurant and Stan walks up to her. One time I was with Stan, we were crossing the street from the Galleria to the Americana and it was like a Saturday. It was packed.

You get almost like New York's levels of people crossing the street. We're all crossing a sea of people and there's a convertible, two Asian women in the convertible wanting to make a right turn out of the parking garage. And they're honking at everybody crossing the street. Just honking. And they're laughing and cackling, like,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And just keep honking. And it's really annoying. Everyone's like, who are these awful people? And as we're getting closer, Stan goes, hey, fuck you, lady! And the whole sea of people turn, and they're like, yeah. And then he walks over to their car, and they're afraid.

They start putting the convertible hood up. And he walks over to her, and he goes, You think it's funny you keep honking all these people trying to cross the street? How? Fuck you! And the last fuck you happened right before the hood of the car went back up. This one stands a hero. Stands a hero. Sometimes stands a hero. He's the car went back up. This one stands a hero.

Stands a hero. Sometimes stands a hero. He's the hero we all need. He's the dark knight. I think he's always a hero. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. You're right. Definitely. I was mistaken. All right. All right. Let's see. Let's do a little flappers.

I'm a little done with Emerson. Yeah. Let's see. That was kind of low energy. Yeah. She doesn't bring the heat. She doesn't bring that. I want to see someone like really trying.

Let's watch tapes of people we know. If the podcast gets up to like 15,000, and some miracle gets up to that much, I will just start. Just like, yeah, this guy. I did comedy with him for 10 years. He stinks. Hated every minute I was around him.

That would be so brutal. Dude, the most vulnerable thing in the world is someone watching your tape. I know. I do it as a bit at parties. When I have people over, I'll put on my friend's tapes on YouTube. You know that's what Jay Leno did? Oh, that's so funny. It's the funniest thing in the world. My friend Joey came over for Christmas

and I just put his... He's like 19 years old. And he's like, stop, stop, stop! And I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm like holding the remote over here. We used to do that to Mike Menendez all the time. It's the funniest thing in the world. Oh, man. Okay.

He moved back to LA, by the way. Carter didn't tell anybody. Oh, wow. Mike is back? Yeah. What? Yeah, he called me, and then I forgot to call him back, so I called him back, and he was like, yeah, I moved like two weeks ago.

Yeah. Interesting. Good for him. Yeah. Whatever. Connor, you don't know any of these people, do you? I got to hear the names. Do you know Elizabeth Malone? Nope.

Jack Salvatore? Nope. These are all people that have been killed in murder suicides. These are all like seven years old. They've all killed themselves or their family. They're all fentanyl. Don Brody? Nope. Drew Craft? Nope. Do you love Drew Craft?

Conor knows every one of these people. But I'm Drew Lynch. No, I do not know that. This is now, now this is legitimately we're like psychopaths. We're like going to the phone book like who should we snipe?

How's it going tonight? Oh my goodness. Oh, he's like older. I can't, I can't, I can't do the guys that are old. It's a lot more fun to make fun of like rich kids at Emerson.

Rich kids. That's right. Connor's right, Connor to make fun of rich kids at Emerson. Rich kids. Connor's right. Connor's right. We're back to Emerson. We're going back. What other colleges have it, Richie? You said UCLA does one too.

Oh, do that one. UCLA. Westside people? I think they do. Sir. David Cho, UCLA stand-up. Isn't he like a famous...

Nathan Mosher? Yeah, pull that one off. Yeah, we know Nathan. He just went to UCLA. Oh, word. I guess they don't have showcases at UCLA. They run a better program, clearly.

Yeah, UCLA's program is like, you never do it. How about that? Hell yeah. I could do a quick Google search. We're beating a dead hack at this point. What else do we have lined up? Got some tennis?

Well, COVID's back somehow. Apparently China's on full lockdown and Germany's afraid that they might lock down again. does some tennis well kovats back somehow oh yeah apparently china's on full lockdown and germany is afraid that they might lock down again it's china like is it a is it the new is it omicron it's omicron oh so it's like who gives a shit well that's what i read john you said it was a different one you said it was like delta like optimus prime or something no i thought it was it's just omicron it's general grievous i had my My fucking boss came in and was like, get ready.

My boss came in and was just like, it's going to happen again. And I was like, wait, what? And I just did a quick Google search. It was like 31 million people under lockdown. Yeah, that is true. They might be juking us, man. They may just do this to fucking invade Taiwan. Oh, really? Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.

Well, if we lock down again, I hope we do get nuked. I talked to a dude. There's a guy who comes in. He's like an infectious disease expert at USC, and he's just like, yeah, it's just going to become a flu shot you get every year. And I was like, well, it's not happening to me. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

Yeah. We're just going to die. Just like the flu. That I never got the flu shot. Yeah, I never get it. I've never gotten a flu shot ever. And then just like the flu that i never got the flu shot yeah i never get it maybe when i get the flu every year yeah what's up with that that's my flu shot i do my own research we'll get the flu and covid i love those places where like there's there's uh uh they've um like in la like it's like no more masks indoors but there's still the virtue signal

like neighborhoods like atwater has a couple coffee shops where they where they still have signs up they're like just so you know you still have to wear a mask in here sorry state of california and it's like like i don't it's like hilarious because they're like we've done our own research like they're the the same as the people that were anti-vax it's a sorry state of california yeah it's crazy one of them says something like that yeah it's like acting like it's like a state of georgia or some shit like this is the most liberal fucking state on planet earth it's we were we had fucking uh were we the first ones to go on a lockdown i don't know new york was i think so yeah i think new york got really new york got hammered at first how was it do you remember like the early and i think you mean

what was it like no i mean like how well like i remember early on when they were like saying like wearing a mask was racist do you remember that shit when people were wearing masks in like chinatown it was called new york do you remember that and they were called the kung flu yeah yeah stuff like that what was that what do you mean it was racist to wear a mask well i remember there was there the initial like yeah john's right no there were there were initial reports people saying like wearing masks is racist because you're like isolating our chinese like like citizens and stuff i don't know it sounds like it was maybe like a three-day period yeah it was a short period it moves quick i was doing a joke right before it was like locked down and i don't think a joke has ever

aged more poorly but yeah i was doing this joke about how i don't want to wear masks and i go i don't want to wear the. And I go, I don't want to wear the mask. It just feels like cultural appropriation, you know? I was like, that's their thing, man. They're good at it. It's like their do-rag, you know? That's funny. I was like, they've stylized it. You see like a Supreme mask.

You're like, oh my God, you know? That's great. Remember Jeremy Lin, the Chinese player that took over the NBA for like a few weeks and they called it Lin Sanity? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made a joke where I was like, Fox News should probably stop referring to this as Lin Sanity. That's great.

But, dude, the last show I did before the lockdown, I'm on this show at this venue called Pine Box in New York. It's whatever. It doesn't matter. And the show is packed, and there's these three girls in the back talking. And it's one of those rooms where the stage lights are so bright you can't see anything. But the whole show they were talking.

And no one was addressing it. So I went on stage this whole bit where I was like, hey, you guys want to keep talking? I need you to stop. It's really annoying. You're ruining everyone's set. So do we agree you're going to stop talking? They're like, okay, yeah, we'll stop talking. And I went off stage again. I had the host bring me back up and i thought those would be very funny right they immediately start talking again and uh and i'm just like ignoring it and then i do that

joke about the mask being do rags and right after that joke they say something and i go can you guys shut the fuck up and then the hosts go over to grab the girls and like you guys have to leave and then those girls go you're telling me you're gonna be a white guy on stage making fun of asian people and then kick the only three asian women out of the door and i was like i can't see you i don't i didn't know you were asian and it was this whole thing where they're screaming that i'm a racist and then and then i didn't do stand up for another year and a half so that was my that was my last set and i was like what a nightmare they're waiting for me at the bar to confront me i was like oh really god yeah what was that like

dude yeah i ran past him i was like you thought they were going to give you coven i mean you got to run past here connor connor's like i was like i don't want the chinese flu get away from me yeah but i heard it was kind of like a, like, New Orleans for a bit. People were just, like, drinking outdoors and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was here, too, though. Yeah, I missed that, too. I was in, like, small town.

Yeah, I was kind of like that, too. Me and Richie, like, fled. I just know you could get a drink to go. Yeah. Yeah, you were, it was drinks to go. I got drugged. It was great. You got drugged.

I got drugged at a bar. Really? Yeah. Like, to-go bar. Yeah, I got roofied. Biked home, broke my shoulder. Holy shit. After both these moments, Connor... Do you remember it at all?

After both these moments, Connor had this started playing. He's like, I didn't know! I couldn't see you! It's dark in here! I didn't know you were Asian! And then it cuts to him getting date raped or whatever. The beginning of the episode is Connor going to those like, could you do something about the lights?

Like you can't even see the crowd. I think what I actually did say was, I didn't know you're Asian by the way you're acting. I thought you were a white woman. So talk about, this was the weirdest thing you told me and then we'll wrap it up. But you got, Connor had like a fucking crazy, like, yeah. So it'll cost me. Yeah. So talk about, this was the weirdest thing you told me and then we'll wrap it up. But you got, Connor had like a fucking crazy,

like, yeah, so, Bill Cosby. Yeah, you know, so I was moving. I got done with the moving job

with my coworker, Evan. And it was like 4 p.m. It was kind of early. He's like, you want to grab a margarita? And I was like, yeah,

that sounds great. So we go to this place. It's like, you know, window service. You order at a bar, you sit on a bench outside. There's like no one around.

And also precursor to this, I'm a heavyweight. I can drink a lot. Yeah. I really can. Okay. And I've never blacked out my entire life. So I get insane.

Never once. I've never forgotten. That's wild. Yeah. And, uh, so I got a margarita and I'm feeling it, you know,

but nothing crazy. And then he goes, you want another one? I go, yeah, I'll take another one. Gone. Now I don't remember a single thing. Wow. I he date rape you no no no so here's the story so i uh i don't remember anything i don't remember biking home and i came to in the

accident i think it was like the adrenaline you know so i'm biking down this like one-way street and there's a car i think double park but this is also like this could be just a drug memory. I don't even know. I could have just biked straight into a parked car. Who knows? But in the memory, I just remember a car merging into me, avoiding the parked car, not seeing me. I crashed right into a parked car, flip over the handlebars, shatter my shoulder.

I had no idea in the moment, but I'm right outside of my apartment. That's what sucks about it. I was this close to being, throw my bike over my shoulders. Don't remember anything after that. Woke up in the middle of the night this is how i know i was on drugs woke up the other night doing things i've never done in my entire life like acting weird and like i convinced myself that i could pop my shoulder back into place oh dude so you're fucking it up

further so i thought i had a dislocated shoulder yeah so i put my arm on like I had to lift my arm like this I put it on my door frame and I start yanking my I'm fully like screaming at like 3am in my apartment like freaking out and then on my way back to bed I think I must have slipped on something and hit my head on the nightstand and I woke up on the floor so my girlfriend

was out of town she got back the next morning and she just comes home to find me fully just fucked up out of my mind. And I start crying immediately and she has to help me out of bed. And she puts me in the shower and I start throwing up this like brown, like bile, just so it was awful, dude. And then I had to go to the emergency room to find out that I had a separated AC joint. And I told the doctor what I did in the middle of the night.

He goes, you made it worse. And I was like, well, this is terrible news. But dude, for months, I didn't assume right off the bat that I got drugged. I would never assume that. You just assumed you drank so much you ended up forgetting about all those drinks. I was just like, I don't know what happened, but I blacked out for the first time in my entire life. That's so scary.

And when you were doing the shoulder thing, you were kind of coming to but you were still really fucked up yeah well this is hours later because i mean i the accident happened at like fucking like 7 p.m jesus you know so like because i remember we got our first drink on like 4 35 o'clock so it couldn't have been that much later so it was hours later i think i was coming out of it but so yeah for months because i couldn't work for like eight weeks and i was holding this like shame where I was like, I couldn't handle my liquor. I didn't drink for a while, you know. And then I go to work and I work with my friend Evan, who was there that night. And we're getting done with work.

And he goes, hey, you want to go blackout again? And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, what do you mean? And I was like, do you remember that night? And he goes, no, dude, I don't remember that night. What the fuck happened? He was like, he was like easing his way into like revealing that he got drugged that night oh and i was like oh fuck dude yeah we got we got got because he was also just walking around for eight weeks being like i don't know what happened

but he got lucky he biked home nothing happened but he told me he went out with his girlfriend after that and he doesn't remember any of it he's like he's like i woke up the next morning being like what happened last night she was like we went to dinner we went to dinner we went to dinner and you were acting like a psycho he was like yanking her by the arm yelling at people in the street no memory of it that's crazy no memory we both had two margaritas did you guys ever go back to that bar and like see the bartender i'm scared what the fuck is that dude who would just drug two men and not even try to who fucks or who, man? It doesn't even try to fuck them.

Like, what is this bartender? I go back to the bar. I'm like, am I not hot enough? They're like, no, you're just too fast. I've been trying to figure that. I'm like, what is this? It was the weirdest thing. I think sometimes maybe they test them on people.

You know there's some girl in New York who's like, you know what I do? I just go around fucking roofing white men. That's so funny. Men need new york who's like you know what i do i just like go around fucking roofing white men yeah it's like men need to know what it's like it's like the promising young woman yeah yeah that sounds like something that would happen in new york some weird yeah you know maybe that is so insane but not the middle of the country that's hilarious you tried to fix your own shoulder that's such a a masculine thing. You're just like, I can do it. And that's what I'm saying is like, that's not like me. I would not do that.

You wouldn't do that? No. I mean, nobody would fucking do that. Well, I also, I don't act crazy when I drink. I'm the same as I am. I don't change character. If anything, I'm just funnier and happier. I like music.

Like, I wouldn't fucking pop my shoulder back into place like that's pretty badass though you turned into jason bourne what if it worked that'd be so sick if it worked you know like i was right fucking awesome went back to bed that's insane i have a friend who got in a motorcycle accident and his uh his his like left knee like swelled up like like a balloon and he he went into his bathtub and lanced his own knee. Oh my God. And he was like, he's like,

yeah, it worked. Like he bled his own knee out, but he just can't feel his fucking knee anymore. He's like, he's like Anton sugar in the bathtub. Just dude, home surgery.

He blew up a car to steal from a pharmacy. And he, he just lanced his own knee it's it you must have cut a bunch of nerves in the process it's like yeah i can't feel my knee anymore i'm like okay dude yeah jesus i've never done anything like that before the dentist like i used to like i didn't wear my retainer and then like in school i would just like try and push my teeth together like with my oh yeah i'd feel like all afraid the dentist would yell at me like i've been wearing it so the day before i would just be like come on get closer

i've taken out some gnarly ingrown toenails but that's about yeah yeah like shit i should that's tough dude it hurt yeah it hurts so bad that's tough dude my girlfriend had to go to the doctor for an ingrown toenail I was like, I did it once, I was like, never again. This is really trickling off. Connor, you guys can leave.

Connor, give out your Instagram and your Twitter and shit. You can follow me on Instagram at 420naughtyboy. I always think about changing it

just because it's so stupid, but every time my girlfriend comes home from work being like, yeah, so I was telling my coworkers that you do comedy and they asked about your Instagram

and I tell them it's 420 Naughty Boy. I go, yeah, that's why I have it. It's so funny. It's hilarious. It's a great handle.

Yeah, so 420 Naughty Boy on Twitter at Connor McNutt. That's great. Check out Content McNutt. Check out Content McNutt, one of my favorite comedians and one of my best friends.

Yeah, there we go. You turn into a big-timing asshole. Did you roofie me? Really, I was hoping you would lead with best friends. I was like, is he going to say it? No, I had a little malfunction. You start big-timing Connor.

You're like, he's a great up-and-comer. You start big-timing Connor. You're like, he's a great up-and-comer. Up-and-coming comic. He goes to Emerson College. Connor's doing open mics all week, so you can check him out at these open mics and Tribal Cafe. Where are you at tonight? Was this live?

Is anyone in LA? Go to Bar Bandini. All right. Let's wrap this up Alright thank you guys Bye Join the Patreon Bye bye Yes