Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Roll Tide

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

The comedians job is to explore the haunted recesses of the mind. Happy Memorial Day Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate you much, I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. Richie saved the day with the mic problem. It's always a problem. A little unplug, a little replug. Scoot over, fat ass. I'm trying to... My new... I mean,

it's always been kind of a common joke, but I love calling not fat people fat. Yeah, it's a fun bit. It really cuts deep. Just gaslight a skinny guy. You can just do it for like a month straight. Just keep calling your skinny friend. You're a fat piece of shit, you know that? I feel horrible about themselves. Fat fuck. Yeah. They become more anorexic yeah they get a worse

eating disorder maybe they get body dysmorphia they look at themselves and they see something different body dysmorphia is uh fun it's a i i envy people with body dysmorphia yeah can it go both ways too can you think you're a real skinny person but be a real fat pig i've never heard that i've never well maybe liz i've seen she's like you know in shape and women online are always like i'm a i'm a queen and then they have like a bread basket and they're like in the bottom of their jeans no they hate them yeah the front of their body looks like a bee with another yeah yeah that is true and i shouldn't be talking but still these women are gross and they should go to prison until they're fuckable which is the only redeeming quality for women i completely agree i completely agree they shouldn't get them out of stim

get them on a damn treadmill folks i'm in a weird mood yeah this is gonna be a weird pod i could tell yeah we're real anything happened Jace? No I think I was eating really healthy And then I just kind of ate bad the last two days So now I'm starting to just crash a little You just hate women So women are going to get the wrath So what I'm saying is a school is going to get shot up We have to have levity in these times

I mean this is the job of the clown Hey, we have to have levity in these times. I mean, this is the job of the clown, is to take you down the dark corridors of the twisted mind of the sick, pervert. No, I mean, there's a lot of material out of this week. Yeah. A lot of funny, yeah, just on Bill Maher. A lot of fun in the news today, folks. Oh, man.

Yeah, this has been one of the worst. That's like maybe the worst news story in a really, really, really, really long time. Oh, it's brutally sad. One of the saddest things of all time. And it happened despite the bravery of the Uvalde police department. Yeah, who would have thought that Sheriff Buford T. Justice would drop the ball? I know, I can't believe Foghorn Langhorne didn't save the day. Yeah, every press conference he saw was just like,

listen, we got to the school. We got to the school, y'allall but my officers got stuck in their cars i say i say if that mom doesn't quit bugging me i'm gonna shoot her in the head now listen here now we're gonna get our kids and our kids only here. That's insane. That was insane. They literally got their own fucking kids. Imagine like smearing your buddy's blood all over your face like trying to pretend to be dead and like some

fat cop runs into the room and just grabs this kid and leaves. You try to grab him and he just smushes your face. Back in the intestines. And then the only guy that did anything was a border patrol guy. A retired border patrol agent. He literally just drove from a waffle house

he was at. He literally drove like 40 miles and then he's the reason. He just domed the guy. Because all the sheriffs refused to go into the classroom. Insane. And they lied and said that it was locked and there was no key, which was just not true at all. They just didn't

go. They have shotguns. Yeah, they don't know how to bust doors down. We've never seen that happen. And then no one's talking about the fact that that Border Patrol guy, yeah, he's a hero for killing the shooter, but he's currently deporting all the surviving kids right now. He saw the news, he's like,

he's like, oh my God! He's like, I bet a couple are illegal! He was that guy lassoing the Haitians in that fucking photograph. Crazy picture! That Django Unchained picture. He had fucking, like, what's the thing?

He had chaps on. God, that was cool. He was roping a guy. He was like, yeah! Like Planet of the Apes. It was literally, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, that was amazing.

It's very funny. I mean, the fact that they were really arresting parents and tasing and hog-tying them. The video of all the parents freaking out and them not doing anything is... Wait, I haven't seen this. The worst. They hog-tyed parents? Yeah, there was... So they're just standing outside and parents are screaming at them, please go inside.

And at some point, some parents tried to break the line. They tased one woman. Oh my God. Hogtied her. She eventually escaped from her hogtie, hopped the fence, and then went in and got her daughter

and ran out. I heard about that, yeah. And there was two other parents they arrested as well. So they did more harm than if they didn't even show up. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. Right, them coming yeah it made it a longer period of time for the guy to to you know right kill people yeah they didn't go in because they they heard they heard that rumor that he was trans yeah so i thought it was gross isn't there a picture of the subordinate patrol agent was like man you don't get a chance like this to kill a trans every day i'm on my way yeah they kept searching the women's restroom for him like this to kill a trans every day. I'm on my way. Yeah, they kept searching the women's restroom for him.

But he was at the pool at the gym practicing training for a scholarship. Yeah, it's truly this guy. I mean, all those cops should go to jail. I mean, they should all face criminal charges. Yeah, they should be like executed basically accessory to murder. Yeah.

Yeah. What is the point of being a cop if not for moments like this where you're supposed to go in like, you know? To be gay on Facebook. Big tough guy. That's why you're a cop. Beat your wife. You get away with domestic abuse and rape. That was showing me that cops have a 15 times more domestic abuse rate

than the average population. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's... But, you know, you've got to support the blue boys. They put on body armor to beat their wife. They drive constantly. They fucking rape constantly.

It's insane. Yeah, I remember there was that cop that got arrested for raping like 40 women in the hood. He would just go to the ghetto. Really? Like Asian cop. Oh, he's Asian. He was like half white half asian his his uh oh my god jesus the video of when they bring him in is great because like because you know they're like listen we're cops too you know we all love to you know we all

like they're like you know listen try to get him to admit to stuff but they're all also probably horrible people like don't glass houses buddy they're like listen you know, trying to get him to admit to stuff, but they're all also probably horrible people. Listen, glass houses, buddy. They're like, listen, I'm not going to throw sticks here, you know? I mean, listen, you let a shooting happen yesterday. Oh, Jesus. Police unions should be banned. It's been such an awful week on it.

The whole month has been weird. Yeah. And I heard something about Mercury in retro. I think these women are onto something. Yeah. Yeah slowly like there was something this i don't know i felt off it was like two weeks everyone was in a bad anytime i feel off i go i must be the moon if i can't think of a word i'm like i don't know it's a bad week for us mercury killed ray leota he'd still be with us if it was the opposite of retrograde. That was fucking...

He just fucking... Man, just died of sleep. In the Dominican Republic. He got shot by that guy who shot Big Poppy. They were both fucking that guy's wife. What'd he die of? He died of, I think, probably an aneurysm or something. How often do people die in their sleep?

He looks like a guy that would happen to. Why? What does that mean? I don't know. He looks kind of like my uncle. My uncle died of an aneurysm. Oh, okay. He's a big smoker, wasn't he?

Probably. Just based on me watching Goodfellas. I mean, he smokes a lot in Goodfellas. He looks like he smokes parlor. He's not very healthy in Goodfellas. I'll say that. He has, like, the face of a tequila or something, wasn't he? Or no, a kettle.

Yeah, something like that. Him and Moltisanti both did. Oh, yeah. Imperioli was like doing the tequila where the bottle, it fills up the cap. The Beyblades of tequila. 1800 tequila. 1800 tequila. My tequila just poured me a shot. What can your fucking tequila do?

Pussy, why don't you come down here? It's been a weird week. Weird month. There was a Buffalo shooting and then there was another shooting. There was one at Grand Central. Would you stop trying to bring your stuff?

No, no, no. The fucking market. The marketplace. That was like a real one though. I think it was like some gang shit. They got shot there. Gangs are probably pissed off that all these rogue shooters are taking all the attention.

You know? But yeah, it's been such a depressing week that it's made me, it's made me, I've just wanted to marinate in being, in shows that are like about like absolutely nothing. Like Seinfeld? I'm talking about Somebody Feeds Phil. Yeah, well, somebody feed him. That guy needs to be fed.

Do you watch Somebody Feed Phil? Oh, i love the show oh my god just him in vietnam being like so you call this this is made out of duck it's i i love that you love it jace i knew that you would be like a like a supporter of it yeah i like phil rosenthal i do like that i like him yeah he's a real dork yeah he's a real example of just 80s tv success yeah we're just a dad who just got a writing job what a life yeah the guy is responsible for everybody loves raymond and then just has this show where they just send him to all the coolest places in the world and he just eats right and he's like not even really that funny no not at all very sweet and it's just it's also amazing because like there was there's episodes where he's... There's an episode where he went to... Did you see the South Side of Chicago one?

No, I didn't see that one. Did he go to that hot dog place? He reacts. He meets Candyman. He's the lightest. So if I say your name three times, you'll got me with a big hug. He's surrounded by bees. So you're a metaphor for trauma in the black community.

That's so interesting. Caprini Green. He's the lightest, dorkiest guy of all time. But all these people are happy. Everyone he goes to eat their food, That's so interesting. Caprini Green. He's the whitest, dorkiest guy of all time. Yeah. But, you know, all these people are happy. Everyone he goes to eat their food, they're all happy to be on Netflix and the show. So, and every time he eats food and it's great, he reacts so lame. Like, he'll do like a little dance.

Like, he'll eat the food and he'll be like, oh, oh. He's the guy who's not code switching. No, he doesn't. He never code switches. No, no. He's the whitest man ever. He's just like, oh, that's not code switching no he doesn't he never code switches no no he's the whitest man ever he's just like oh that's a tootie patootie I think he's in the south side

eating like a guy's like ribs and he's like oh yeah yeah patoot and they just have to watch and be like alright

yeah he's hanging out with R.L. Burnside and just like now this catfish is the bee's knees with R.L. Burnside and just like, this catfish is the bee's knees. He's the type of guy that's just like, I boop your nose. He's one of those guys. He's the guy who doesn't have a job but tucks his pants

and tucks his shirt into his khakis. Not even joking, just to walk around. Well, there, we could pull up some. He wears suspenders all over the t-shirt. He looks like missionary sex. Like was a person. This is like him in Lisbon.

This is the only clip I think we can play because it's not on Netflix. Just to give you a taste. And then we're going to play the theme song. Oh fuck. The theme song. Of course the thing isn't connected of course. The volume isn't connected. Of course. Oh, Jesus Christ. The volume isn't connected? Of course.

So just keep talking. I don't know. Talk about rape or something. Everyone, no dead air. No dead air on this podcast. So anyway, does no really mean no? We can't edit 15 seconds out. Please.

What's the worst thing you did to another living human being? John, what's the worst thing you've ever done to a person? John, talk about the worst thing you've ever done to a person? John, talk about the worst thing you've ever done to somebody. The worst thing I've ever... Wait, what? Alright, the dead air is over. It's okay. We got it.

You don't have to do anything. Don't admit to anything. But anytime there's dead air, somebody better admit to a crime. Wait, what? Hey, what? Anytime there's dead air, fill it with the crime you've committed. Wait, what did I do? Nothing.

Okay, good. Four hours of sleep, dipshit. Oh, sorry. Wake up. What the hell is with you right now? Dude, I'm a little... So mean for no reason. I like to run this podcast with an iron fist.

It's crazy. You're like David O. Russell. Anyway. That was like a blur. Anyway, this is my favorite show. I'm a very mean man that I sit around all day like a thoughtless orb and I

watch somebody feed Phil. We're watching Phil! Get in here, you fucking whore! We're watching Phil! He needs to be fed! Phil needs his food. He's going to Wiener Circle tonight. Imagine just the worst person alive

that is obsessed with the most harmless man alive. They call him Mr. Peery Peery. Mr. Peery Peery. This guy seems to know about the cheap. This guy seems to know about the chicken. This is what he does. Everything he says, he goes, today we're going to have some potatoey-way-doey.

Some chicky-chicky. Who doesn't like a chicky-chicky? I boop your nose. And it's like a guy in the south side of Chicago. Is he Jewish? What's going on in the south side of Chicago. Is he Jewish? What's going on here? Oh, of course.

Big Jewish. Phil Rosenthal. Highly successful. Yeah, he created everybody who loves Raymond. Oh, cool. He's highly successful. And the state of Israel. Yeah, that's right. He's like, we got to mow the lawn.

We got to take out Palestine. Food writer and enthusiast, Miguel Pires. You're Piri Piri. Jesus fucking Christ. You're a legend. You're Piri Piri. Mr. Piri Piri. Jesus fucking Christ. You're a legend. Mr. Piri Piri. I am your humble servant. It's like, who's this goddamn fairy

trying to shake my hand? I mean, chefs are all out of their mind. This is in Chicago? No, this is in Lisbon. I can't find the Chicago clip. It's on Netflix. Everyone go watch it. It's amazing watching him navigate

the South Side of Chicago. He goes to this Polish restaurant, but it's in the hood. It's run by black people, but it's a famous Polish place. He's just eating outside in the hood. He's just like, oh, wow. This is very vibrant.

This is where they shot Michael Jordan's dad. That's very interesting. He goes, ooh, it's like a bang bang. Just the most simple man. Yeah. Just a simple man. He's a happy, hungry man. Okay.

And I love to eat. Somebody feed Phil. I love to eat. He's Phil. I love to eat. He's a happy, hungry man. In fact, I don't even know why we were playing this clip. We have to listen to the theme song. This is the best theme song ever. Happy, hungry man.

Travelling on to Sweden land. Trying to understand the art of pasta, pork, chicken, and lamb I'm just sitting in my room loading an AR-15. I'm watching this. Yeah, Devin's in a big diaper. Watching SFP. Wearing a giant diaper. Driving to New York, paying for everything with cash.

You have a big shrine to Phil Rosenthal. Candles and weird animals you've killed. It is funny. You could ruin anybody's life. You could ruin anybody's career. This poor guy. This most harmless man of all time. What if I just was like What if you shot him with an AR-15?

What if I was obsessed with him and I went and did a bunch of horrible things? And then they come into my house and they see that I've been worshipping Phil Rosenthal. A bunch of horrible things. They're like... And then they come into my house and they see that I've been worshipping Phil Rosenthal. A bunch of horrible things in like a playground somewhere. Just the bad stuff.

We don't need to get into it. It's been a rough week. You know? Stop. We don't need specifics. Okay. But okay, say I go do a bunch

of really horrible stuff. Yeah, with like a lot of... We're talking like... Like projectiles. We're talking crimes that they kill you over. Sure. Okay?

But they come to my place and they go what the how did phil rosen how did somebody feed phil inspired manifesto you could do it to anybody you hate you just have to actually go out and commit to be going to prison for life and hurting people it's it's your ruin everything i don't know you're catching the ride yeah i don't know how effective you could do it to anybody you want it's kind of one of the great you could kill bruno mars that's why this is a free country and said phil rosenthal told me to kill bruno mars and then everyone be like i don't know man the show seems harmless but fuck that guy he inspired yeah they'd have to take it off they take it off everything phil rosenthal be in front of his house doing a press conference. He's like, I don't know what I did. Listen, I did not even know who Mr. Maz was.

Maybe the way I ate chicken in Lisbon was very, I don't know, it inspired somebody to rape their grandmother. I don't know. It's like Jodie Foster is always linked with John Hinckley now. Right. And she did nothing wrong. All she did was a hot, hot piece of ass in Taxi Driver. She almost got the president killed. She was so hot in Taxi Driver. Dude, she was so hot. All she did was a hot, hot piece of ass in Taxi Driver. She almost got the president killed.

She was so hot in Taxi Driver. Dude, she was so hot. So fucking hot. The hottest woman I've ever seen was her in Taxi Driver. I had no idea that she's 15 in the movie. That's my type. That's my, listen, I like her the the small girl from a modern family jesus christ it's true you could you could ruin anything if you want to commit to committing

crime i think it's got to be like uh really because i mean the the catcher in the right thing who was that oh that's john lennon guy that's mark david chapman yeah yeah i don't i don't think it ruined catching the ride though because they still teach it in school you can't read it in public. That's true. Yeah, technically you can, but you don't realize how uncomfortable it feels. It's not Mein Kampf.

I like to read it in public, and I bring a big suitcase with me. Just so people wonder. A giant violin case. Yeah, it looks like it could be something I assemble. It's one of those hard cases. It's really long. No one knows what it is. And I have a big Blue Lives Matter sticker on it. It's a fishing pole. hard cases. It's really long. No one knows what it is. And I have a big

Blue Lives Matter sticker on it. It's a fishing pole. You get the Punisher skull. You should do that with like Marvel movies or Disney Plus or something. I'd love to do that. To like slow the halt of them being mad. We were talking. Everyone loves Paddington 2. It's a real hip thing. What if I fucking put a bunch of Paddington 2 stuff all around my room and I go fucking commit a bunch of crimes?

No more Paddington 2 for everyone. It's over. You kill all the bears at the zoo. Exactly. What if it inspires me to go just murder bears? We're sorry we have to cancel Paddington 3. No more Paddington 2. Yeah, Paddington 3 can't come out. We were going to have Samuel L. Jackson in this one.

They're like, listen, we have no idea how this inspired anyone to commit atrocities, but it did, so we have to ruin it now. I'm picturing Devin walking into a movie theater with a blue overcoat and red hat and a fucking machine gun. His Dark Knight shooting. I don't kill any people.

Yeah, well, they're not people. I pull baby bears out of a big backpack I have and I blow their brains out in front of everyone at Paddington 30. This is a sequoia, do you want? I don't even know what I do you want? I'll show you amusement. I pull a bunch of cubs out of a big knapsack and I just blow their brains out.

You can likely spend a lot of time in prison for that. I don't think you can. What happens if you kill animals? I sound like Jiminy Glick. What happens if you kill an animal? You tried to kill President Reagan. What was that like? Who are your heroes?

Helter Skelter backwards. What does that mean to you? It is a fun thought to have. Anything that bothers us, we could ruin. But we'd have to become famous for being you know demon i think there's some things more prime than others like i don't think you could take marvel movies down but i think you could definitely like take down like the punisher i'd love to like if you like were like then punisher inspired me like disney would for

sure move every episode of the punisher off netflix yeah right like there's some things i think they have to be like right leaning like-leaning. Like, the Joker. Like, remember the dark, the fucking... Remember that fucking movie came out? Yeah, all over the fucking movie. They really wanted something to happen.

It was so nuts. They wanted something to happen. That was crazy. I remember watching it and kind of thinking I was going to get shot. Yeah. Yeah.

I just remember I was in Michigan. That was what was so fun. It was a really interactive experience. Yeah. It was fun. It was like those 4D rides.

Yeah, exactly. Way better than I'm at it's like a bugs life way better than 3D but yeah let's think of other what are the most harmless things let's think of really harmless things that we all hate Great British Bake Off

exactly you put a big bomb in a cake you put a bomb in a cake you poison a bunch of cookies you kill like 30 people in a town just by going around town giving people cookies and cakes. And then they break into your room and it's just tons of

Great British Bake Off posters and your journals and how much you love the show. Explosive vest. You killed 30 people in the process, but you've single-handedly taken down the admiration for the Great British Bake Off. Hamilton. You play the soundtrack like on a live stream while you're just blasting people yeah yeah you

say you wanted to create the revolution yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah you just say it was like the revolution but then you go but and you go like and i don't know lin-manuel miranda like got me into hip-hop and hip hip hop very violent music. So you blame him. This guy got me into it. But he's also my hero and inspiration. But I love him to death. And I want your whole manifesto is about how much you love Lin-Manuel Miranda. And then he can't ever

work again. Because people are like, you fucking inspired the largest shooting in American history. You're watching the president speak and you pull out a gun and you say, I'm not going not gonna miss my shot and then you just blow it that's perfect yeah that's which is from the musical and then you've tanked lin-man moran does the whole career right exactly you say his dumb gay selfies uh made me shoot the president you're like biting your lip while you're shooting the president yeah his dumb horny selfies made me do it. Not the ideal start to this podcast after the recent events, but we got to do it. We got to do it.

It happened naturally. We roll with the punches. Do you always, I recently realized somebody pointed out to me every time I'm in a movie theater, I kind of assume I'm going to get shot to death. Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah. There's always a moment where I kind of look at both exits and I'm like, it could happen.

I do that. Yeah yeah in theaters mostly now if i'm in the mall or whatever like you know you can kind of like i guess anything could pop off you know that call the call of duty uh level no russian no russian i call it duty level rock dude but mostly theaters loved it mostly theaters yeah i think i do think my life will be ended yeah Yeah, because I'm trapped there. I can't get out. Any crowded event. Right. And also, most movies are so bad, I'm like, why wouldn't I die now? No. Like, I'm just, it's just a bunch of idiots paying way too much money to watch, like,

a dumb, bad thing. And, you know, anyway. Back to, anyway. This is why we need. What's going on with this guy? This is why we need Phil. I mean. Look at him.

Tell me that doesn't brighten the mood already. How does this not brighten your day? He's like, Ooty, that's a Ooty patooty. It's just the whole show is him taking a bite of something and going like, Ooty, Ooty, boom! Everyone's like, how do you have a show? What do you do? Yeah, what's great about Phil is he's been so rich for so long,

he has no idea of the pain and suffering of the world. No, no. If you told him about the shoes he'd be like I had no idea that there was all this destruction a shooty woody no there's literally episodes where he's talking to somebody and he's eating all the food they made and then they start talking

about something really tragic that happened to them and he goes I don't feel that with these cookies he has no he doesn't relate to any atrocities. Somebody's like, we couldn't pay for my mom's chemo. He's like,

why didn't you just sell a show to CBS? I don't understand it. I want to see him like... Have you tried to make a specky wecky? How can you be sad about your mother dying of cancer with this duck confit in your mouth? She had leukemia. He's like, we couldn't pay for my mother's chemotherapy.

He goes, this pork is juicy. I'll tell you what's not dying of cancer. This pork. He's like, when the food comes, he always puts his arms back. He's like, Somebody, somebody feed Phil. Somebody

feed Phil. This has to be a fucking act. This has to be a fucking act. It's not an act. Is he of arrested development or something? Is he retarded? Like, what's going on? No, he's just a very harmless he's dude he's his whole he's he made a ton of money on everyone's raymond his life forever amazing he has to be sadistic in his private life this is the new type of shade they like to give shows where you're where it makes white women feel

comfortable you live a fantasy life you live a fantasy life and they like these these shows were but it's like weird anthony bourdain at least asked questions about life, and he was kind of philosophical at times. This guy literally just gets paid to go to the greatest places and eat. And then he goes like, ooh, daddy, it feels good in my tummy. Like, it's unbelievable how it's just so infantile. We'll be getting on the elliptical after this. Oh, my.

There's got to be something dark to this fucking guy. I'll be at the gym next week. I'll tell you. Yeah. John is right. I would love if he gets back home and immediately just his face just goes blank. And he walks down into a dungeon. He's like, I told you to stay in the fucking box. And he has like a fucking just, yeah, woman.

Armless legless woman. You do have to wonder. You have to wonder about these people. He's boxing Helena. All right. It's time to remove your last leg. You dirty cunt. And then he walks outside.

He's like, oh, boy. We're going to get some cake. He just self-flagellates in his fucking living room. He gets home. His house is barren, and there's just a single crucifix. And he just self-flagellates. There's just a mattress on the floor. Nothing in the house.

Fuck. He just gets down in front of a big cross and starts speaking Latin. Vomits in a bowl and feeds it to his slave in a cage. Come on, I'm so mad. I'm in a cage. He looks at his slave, he goes, only Phil gets fed. He's like, do you want to see what Phil ate today? And then he makes his slave feed him good food. He goes, somebody feed Phil. Playing Russian roulette

with an armless torso his basement is full of 10 Korean guys like a deer hunter just slapping each other he's just fucking dogs yeah Phil staring into a mirror blankly And then just slicing down his whole arm

Phil likes to cutty wutty Alright, let's see how he interacts The painy waney makes me feel a wivey wivey It's a sauce You know, like a spice Very hot Hot chili I'm excited

I'm going to do medium spicy We might get messy That's what I'm talking about right there Just simple stuff like that We might get messy He tucks a napkin into his shirt We might get messy. And he puts a napkin in his... He tucks a napkin into his shirt. Tucks a napkin into his shirt. We might get messy. Fucking dumbass. Like a lobotomized man.

It's truly... These are the shows, it's like, they just love giving these to people where it's like, okay, Phil Rosenthal, executive producer, great show. Everly Lowe's Raymond's tremendous. He's obviously very talented. But when was he ever in the public eye like when i saw this show i'm like why is this not like a comic that we know or anybody that's like even a

public figure yeah it could be anybody they just it's like a no-show it's like a it's just like hey let's just let this already billionaire go on vacation and like eat food like i'm sure aisha curry will have a show like this soon they're're just shows for housewives or men that are retired and don't do anything. It's very weird to give this guy a show. Yeah, because it is funny. There's almost a market for people who want an Anthony Bourdain, but they're like, I don't like it when he talks about war. Yeah.

Right. He tattoos. Yeah. They like the good part about the show where he gets into what actually makes the country the country. Exactly. They're like, he talked about Cambodia, the killing fields. It made me sad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil goes in, he's like, ooh, it's stuck the killing fields. It made me sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil goes in, he's like, ooh, it's stuck. Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Phil's stepping over a dead body. Yeah. Phil's like,

ooh, watch out for that landmine. They go kablammy. I'm sorry you missed it. And the Vietnamese are like, you know who put those landmines in? Henry Kissinger. He goes, he goes,

I'd like to Kissinger some meat. You're just an itty bitty soldier, ain't you? Oh, look at you. We're going to shoot a cow-ee wow-ee with a bazooka wooka. So I just got taken to this farm. There's a little kitty we can kill. If you pay him the right pricey weicey.

We're taking a taxi waxy to a place called Lady Boy Heaven. I got itty bitty kitty weenies. And then Phil kills him. He's like, I didn't know you were a fucking man. What do you think of fucking gay?

You think I'm fucking gay huh fuck you is that a fucking dicky wicky the fuck is give me a fucking knife it's like in the

departed when the fucking when Frenchie is strangling his wife you know I didn't know these shows are for white women

that's really it it's like who's the most non-frightening man I'll show you who they're for they're for people that just can't take life. Yeah, right. Front page right at people.

Here's like the comments. They're just like, this song immediately puts a smile on my face. I need a 10 hour version. Like there's people out there that probably get in their car and they play. Like they're like, just on my way to work. They're like, I'm a happy, hungry man. I mean, these are the types of people that enjoy commercials. It's TV Zoloft is what it is.

Yes, exactly. I like how excited Phil gets about chicken. That's a comment. I could watch Phil eat chicken for hours, and I have. I mean, these are people out there. These are the same types of people that like, they like the Liberty Bibberty, like, you know, the Liberty Mutual Insurance commercial

and they quote it at work. The Liberty Bibberty, bro. Yeah, they go into work and they're like, did you see the newest Dilly Dilly commercial? That Bud Knight cracks me up. They think the Old Spice commercials are like classic comedy.

No, they watch the Old Spice commercial and they're like, that's too weird for me. I think that's kind of sick. I mean, look at these comments on a Liberty Mutual insurance commercial that came out in 2020.

These are real human beings out here, okay? Liberty Bibberty, I say this all the time, it worked compulsively and it's alarmingly hilarious. That guy works on death row. Waiting for the governor. Yeah, just like, libbity, bibbity, bibbity,

just... Sending a man to hell. Feces hit him in the face. He's like, libbity, bibbity, oh, there's a riot in cell block C. Just placing a sponge on a guy's skull.

This guy. Cell extraction-y, wax-y. So we're going to give you a shavy wavy so the currents get into your brainy hainy. You're going to taste peanut butter in your mouth. He's wetting the sponge. Liberty.

Look at this harrowing comment. Okay. Anyone else still dying at this? It's over a commercial for an insurance company. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. These people need to be cold. This is my favorite commercial of all time. Imagine commenting.

Probably one of the best commercials ever, this guy says. Liberty, Bibberty, bro bro that's the weird you can't play the commercial i don't think i can you get copyrighted comments we can read and these are fascinating this commercial never fails to make me laugh i mean this is why people really don't get that upset when you know a lot of people perish can i can i tell you a funnier not a funnier but another funny thing i've seen is if you go through like a country music spell and you're listening to old country songs like vince gill i was just listening to go rest high on that mountain would you like go rest high on that mountain son your work on earth is over and then you go

through the comments and it's just the saddest just white trash story like over and over and over again everyone's favorite song on youtube the first comment is like this song reminds me of when my you know my wife had chemo and then the roof caved in we were both struck by lightning that week. She lost two arms and then I went to my son's graduation and he had a heart attack on stage. I went home and stared at the paint dry. I just remember this song playing

and it gets me through every day. It's like, Jesus, fuck. Yeah, it's like Chattahoochee by Alec Jackson. When he water skied on in his fucking jeans and the song is i'm coming out this reminds me of my we listened to this song and then my wife walked into the shed and blew her brains out on my son's birthday uh bob seger keep on rocking I'm rocking in the free world. Brother man,

keep on rocking. Oh God. That is, that's like every top comedy on any song. You go to the happy birthday song. This song reminds me of my wife, blue brains. I did the harmony.

Did I tell you? I don't think I shared this story on here, but I tell you at my sister's wedding that my mom, um, I was doing the best man's or the, I was doing the ceremony like, and I was doing the reception after. So I was introducing everybody and I go,

all right, everybody give it up for the, uh, the best man's going to give a everybody uh give it up for the uh the best man's gonna give a speech give it up for him and i went and sat next to my mom and my brother and she leaned over to us while he's giving the best man speech like he says a joke gets a laugh and then she leans over and she goes um so his mom uh killed herself last month they all went to work and then she went into the living room blew her brains out they've been devastated and then i just go back up room and blew her brains out. They've been devastated.

And then I just go back up. I was like, hey, give it up for everybody. Now we're going to do the father-daughter dance. They've been devastated. I like that part. And if you haven't guessed, they've been devastated. They've been doing worse than you would expect. All right, we're going to remove the guidance.

Get on down. Really bad. We're talking slit his wrist. We're talking attempted suicide. All right, one step now, y'all. Down to a whole bottle of Benzos. Bad. I'm a little annoyed. Where do you know it by?

I've never been a Benz man. All my friends are. Just wait, buddy. Where do you know it by? I've never been a best man or anything yet. I've been two. Just wait, buddy. Yeah, are you going to get married soon? No, I don't know. But, you know, when it happens. All right. Joey will be your best man.

Joey, yeah. You can't have more than one. What's the deal? Yeah, why do they do that shit? Can't you just have a group of best dudes? We have a bunch of best men. Yeah. And they all fuck you.

Like, I'm going to pop it for all my best men yeah it actually sucks it's much better to be like third guy in the wedding party because best man you have to plan the bachelor party oh god which can be a nightmare because you're balancing like nine guys some guys like want to do coke and go crazy some people like are sober yeah so you gotta plan the whole thing did you have to did you plan Ben's? Yeah, but I mean, Ben's sober. So it's like we just, you know, we played golf, drank some tea. And then we got a little Thai boy hooker and we all just put cigarettes out on him. Just calm stuff. No, but my other buddy, Pat, I was his best man.

It was a really relaxed night. Other than the victim's screams. A chill night. No, they trained him. He doesn the victim's screams. A chill night. No, they trained him. He doesn't make a sound. Oh, wow. You know how in MKUltra they can wipe your mind? Yeah.

They figure that out. They got him on Silk Road. Oh, yeah. By one of those professional victors. His just eyes go blank, and he doesn't move or make a noise. Some people think he's already dead. If it wasn't for his damn balls. He arrives in one of those cabinets from Alibaba.

It's just, it's $14,000 for this Ikea cabinet. My other friend, Pat, we, we were all fresh out of college. So it was a wild bachelor party. Yeah.

And up like he was like thrown up in a tub. I'm like holding his head back. Oh wow. and then i think i ended up like spending like like a lot of people didn't pay me back so i ended up like 800 bucks in the hole for the weekend that's the thing with these weddings it's like they just expect they just expect people to just have a thousand dollars to come for not yeah i have nothing to do with it especially as you get older when you get into your mid mid or early 30s and all your friends have been making money for 10 years. And they're like,

alright, it's in Hawaii. See you guys there. And you would spend like five grand going to the wedding. You just can't do that. Can't do it. Who the fuck... Even if I had money, I'd be like, what are you, retarded? No. I don't even know her. Your wife. I don't even know who... Your wife. I barely remember you.

Hey, buddy, I hate women, all right? Hey, buddy, I'll come if you're marrying a guy. Because dudes rock. You know what? I'm never going to do a gay wedding, and I feel like I'd love to. It would be great. Just Macklemore it up. I cry.

I'd be like, you faggots just live a life. In a positive way. Sorry life in a positive way to pause i'm sorry it's positive way uh the gayest shit i've ever seen gay weddings should be they you know that sounds great what do gay guys do after where they just watch the departed and get a pizza because they're bros because guys rock that's right they visit a after their wedding they visit a guy in the South who doesn't know how to dress well and then they, that's right,

they remake him. Yeah. Yeah. This is an interesting comedy premise. What, I would, it would be,

it would be so much easier to be gay. You know, Devin just stepped out of 1984. Yeah. And the, it was on a plane recently.

The food is, what is it with these peanuts? Christ sakes. Yeah. What am I? What am I? Dumbo? Yeah.

These peanuts are crazy. And what, so what is up with trans people? Can they just go kill themselves? Did you see that Dave Chappelle's Oh, does he have another special? No, his trans attacker said a couple things or something. Was his attacker trans?

I don't know. He had a sus amount of nose rings. Let's put it that way. I was a little... For the record, I don't know what that means. Yeah, but that could just mean he's really into like... You know what I mean? You could see him putting makeup on.

I don't know what you mean. Nope. Transphobic. No clue. You're denying me. No clue. What do nose rings have to do with trans people? I think if you're a dude and you have a nose ring, it's weird.

I think people with nose rings and a lot of... It's triggering. People with nose rings and people that have the big earlobes, they look like they eat crickets. This is a long-standing Devin opinion. I feel like people with big earrings and nose rings, I feel like they have a

bag full of bugs. A big bag full of bugs. They look like they hunt Jaguar paw. They eat the food from the Matrix ship. That big oatmeal. Alright, what did this retard say? He says he was triggered by the comedian's jokes.

He was triggered. The stunning takedown at the Hollywood Bowl was obtained by TMZ May 3rd in an exclusive jailhouse interview with the New York Yeah, come on now. He's trans. I don't know. He just looks more like Tekashi69. He's had work on his face. He's had Botox injections.

Like, look at his lip, dude. That's Botox, though. He could just have sexy DSLs. Yeah. Dude, dudes don't have sexy DSLs like that. Just because you want to fuck him doesn't mean he's a woman. Okay, listen. Listen.

This means you're gay. Let's not jump to conclusions here. Why is he wearing, like, a fucking X-ray vest? What are they going to give him, like, a fucking crown? He looks like he's in Dune. Are they doing a wisdom tooth surgery or something? What is with this dentist? He's never meant to hurt the comedian.

Lee spoke from the Twin Towers Correctional Facility saying, I identify as bisexual, and I wanted him to. He goes, I identify as bisexual, and we love attention. Why I tackled Dave Chappelle. Not my bisexual ass tackling Dave Chappelle and stabbing my roommate Chappelle. Not my bisexual ass tackling Dave Chappelle and stabbing my roommate. Not my bisexual ass. Not my bisexual ass stabbing

my roommate to death. Me again. But you know, I'm a Pisces. That was Andrew Cunanan's last words. Sorry, fellas, but I'm a Pisces, and we get a little wild. What he said was triggering. I wanted him to know that next time, he should consider first running his material by...

How would he do that? 23-year-old Isaiah Lee is also facing attempted... Like, was he going to go on Twitter? Attempted murder charges for Dave Chappelle. Now he tried to kill his roommate. Oh, he did? Yeah, he tried to kill his roommate. They didn't charge him.

They bounced him. And then a week later, he tried to stab his roommate. Nice, dude. With a big knife. Nice, dude. Oh, really? A week later, he tried killing his roommate? And the DA was like, what?

Like, this is crazy. Yeah, they were like, what? Who knows? There could be ramifications to bouncing people all the time. He tried to stab somebody. We didn't know he was violent. He only tried to kill a famous comic. He thought he could get away with it again. Oh, man. Well, let him out. Come on.

And that's why the cops are here. Send him to the Ukraine. Too much trans hate in this country. Why are we putting him away for trying to kill a couple people? What's the problem here you know he wasn't even trans he's bisexual he's bisexual yeah how come everyone immediately said he was trans just because of his sexy lips he's so sexy and hot they just liked his goddamn lips he's got big fat lips this guy's dating jim norton

that is the move anytime you uh see a guy who is attractive, you're just like, well, he's trans, obviously. I'm not gay. He's a woman. I'm not gay. He has great tits. You think I'm gay? He identifies as a woman, so I'm not gay.

Look at that sexy ass. Do you think trans women aren't women? You want to know my favorite person? Oh, fuck. I can't look him up. There's a guy that does makeup for the D'Amelios or some shit like that, and he has a big fake ass. Do you think trans women aren't women? No, no, no. My favorite person. Oh, fuck. I can't look them up. There's a guy that does makeup for like the D'Amelio's or some shit like that

and he has a big fake ass. Jeffree Star. No, no. There's this guy, this bald guy. He's got a fat ass. He does. He's like a gay guy,

but he has a big fake fat ass. A BBL. That's crazy. And it makes me laugh so hard and it's like a great ass. I think it's so funny when like straight dudes have like dope asses.

Yeah. It's hilarious to me. I don't know if he's a straight guy, but yeah. I do love a guy with a huge big ass. Or yeah, just dudes in general. Kyle Lowry on the Miami Heat. Great ass. Big fat.

Big juicy. Big dumper. Baseball players have a lot of great asses. They do. Hank Aaron, great ass on that. Did he? Oh, yeah. Pull up a video of Hank Aaron.

I used to. I used to. He had a big fat Megan the Stallion ass on. You probably knew him in high school. I just typed in Hank Aaron ass. Is that the first thing that comes up? No, no. Hank Aaron.

Just him bent over on a deep thing. What do I type in? Is he shot? Hank Aaron just playing. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Rumper. Look at that big dumpy ass.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. An excellent comes. Here it comes. An excellent day. Here it comes. My cum. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Unfortunately, there's one black man on the field, and he's the best. Here he is, famous Negro player Hank Aaron with his big, freakish ass. Look at that. And there it goes. And there it goes. You can hear the clap of his cheeks. They go. That's not the stands.

Those are his cheeks. Look at that. Booty, booty rocking everywhere. As the great Bubba Spock said. As the great Bubba Spock said. 70 years from now in the future. Booty, booty rocking everywhere. Hank Aaron, shake that laffy taffy.

Shake that laffy taffy, Hank Aaron. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Stepping up to the plate, that bootylicious Hank Aaron. Hank Aaron with his wet ass pussy up next. Hank Aaron, who famously got triple teamed by migos last year my anaconda don't want none fuck man if you look if you look later in his career his ass gets much bigger like if you look at his uh record-breaking home run oh really it got bigger and bigger. He has a big, big old ass on him. Kyle Lowry. He is so big. World War II, like, what happened?

He's so big. Yeah, it was World War II. He's a fat ass. Oh, my God. Look at Kyle Lowry. Is he rock on? Look at that. Oh, my fucking God. Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' in the air. God, he looks like, it's like Nutty Professor. Great ass. Jesus.

Is there white guys with good asses? John Claude Van Damme. Bryce Harper, I think, has a nice number. Bryce Harper has a nice number. But it's more solid than juicy. There's a dude I went to high school with. John Cena's got a good ass. John Claude Van Damme had the best ass on any white man ever.

Have you seen him in the 80s? It was insane. Yeah, he would show it in movies. He'd always be doing the splits with his big fatty. Well, there you seen him in the 80s? It was insane. Yeah, he would show it in movies. Yeah, he'd always be doing the splits with his big fatty. Well, there's one scene where he fucks that lady

and then the scene is her waking up and he's pulling his ass into his jeans. Jean-Claude Van Damme ass. Not on YouTube. Where? Yeah, whatever.

Pull it back to videos. His hottest moments? Yeah. We just end up videos His hottest moments Yeah We just end up watching his hottest moments Oh look at that thing Yeah there you go Look at that I don't know what that is

Oh this is called man big juicy bubble It's not like gay porn now It's not John Glenn Van Damme It's just a guy with a big ass That's insane why do women like men's what do they what do women do with this what do they do with this you know they spank them yeah a lot of women are obsessed with the if you're dating a woman they like to put their fingers up your butt yeah it's like butt stuff yeah they're obsessed with it yeah they love that

obviously because here's the thing when a woman dates, she wants to subjugate you and make you less than. Yep. So she will try to basically take you down through your own ass. That's right. And that is why white women are obsessed with finger stuff. Are white women specifically obsessed with finger stuff? I think white women specifically are. Black women love the finger stuff, too.

Oh, yeah. Latina women, too. Yeah. Asian women, also. Yeah, all women. They just love it. I just know every white woman I've dated has, like, as a bitch, just been obsessed with, like, trying to, you know,

Is it because it emasculates us? I think so. I think it's subconsciously trying to take a proud man down. That's why you've got to act like it makes you more powerful. Nice try. If it happened, when, if, whatever, it happened to me, I'd be like, ooh, you got poopy fingers. Like, you got my poop on your fingers.

I would shit all over her. I would shit all over her. I'd shit all over her. You would turn into a jet casket. Oh, yeah. Truly. Turn her face into a fucking dairy queen. She's doing it like this. And it comes out like soft serve poopies is like dude if she gets

pooped on then she's gonna smell bad right that's right poopies stick your hand in the shark very good anyway jump out of this plane poopies we're paying you 400 a day that's dangerous to jump out of a plane right you have no health. You guys see this news story? That's a little fun. What happened? Kourtney Kardashian reveals she was told to drink Travis Barker's semen to help with fertility. Now, that's like Travis Barker and his doctor. They're in on this, right? His doctor's Larry Nassar.

His doctor's Peter North. Hi. His doctor's like, listen, if you want to have kids, you're going to have to film yourself coming in Courtney's mouth four times a week. Send me all the footage. Ropes. What a dumb bitch, though.

Don't they look like characters out of 300? Travis Parker and Courtney. They look like a movie about the future. They really do. Yeah. They look like they don't walk. Like they just hover. And he looks like he rides like a giant elephant or something.

That has like guns attached to it. She looks like she just sits in a cave all day. Just fucking takes big shits out of her giant fat ass. Women with big asses look like they just take huge shits. At this point, Kim Kardashian just looks like she has to take a giant shit.

It must be really tough to wipe her ass. It's a lot of real estate. Imagine trying to get in there. It's all horrible. Do you think they've ever, like, is their ass so big that they can shit and it just doesn't hit the ground? Like, the whole shit gets caught? It never comes out.

No, that's what I'm saying. Her ass is full of expired shit. Right. It's like when you drop the remote behind the couch, but it doesn't hit the ground. It just gets stuck. It's stuck. Or it's like when you look at an old trash bin and you've never cleaned the inside of it, so there's just, even if It's stuck. Or it's like when you look at an old trash bin and you've never cleaned the inside of it. Even if it does come out, there's just

residue. It just gets smushed together by your cheeks. They've got to power wash your ass every month or so. There's corrosion. There's corrosion. It's like the Statue of Liberty. They have to retrofit their ass cheeks. We'll get this ass cleaned up for you Mrs. Kardashian

Her ass looks like a battery that exploded He's a happy hungry man Eating ass all over the land So this is an ass filled with shit Very interesting Oh stinky winky Oh big ass filled with shit very interesting oh somebody stinky winky oh big ass filled with shitty you guys seen kim kardashian sex tape yeah it was so bad it's so terrible it's not great ray

jay's always just like going back to ray jay keeps putting the camera on him and being like like doing like white boy stuff he's like hang loose yeah that was you could tell that was a really personal piece he made it wasn't meant for outside eyes you know yeah his uh kim's mom sold it or something like that fuck off oh yeah yeah it was a poor what a bunch of weird adrenochrome sickos a great family yeah did you see she got mad because uh northwest on his uh minecraft game or his roblox game he got an ad for kim's that's right i saw that on the show i don't even think that's real i made possible i mean it probably is i guess but they had a whole episode about it they never showed like on the on the ipad like what

why isn't roblox like a kid's game that's a pedophile haven but how why would there be an ad for a sex tape on that because a bunch's a bunch of pedophiles. Maybe Northwest is Googling his mom's sex tape. Maybe Northwest is just like a freak like that. Imagine your mom's Kim Kardashian. Northwest is a freak, bro. Is it even possible to look at her like your mom? Do you go jack off to pictures of her like every other guy? You wake up, you're like, she's got such dope tits.

You're like, dude, I fucking wish I could fuck Kim Kardashian. Because the only way to escape this, you have to go the other way and be like, oh, I just love a woman with no ass and zero tits. Just a flat white woman. Do you think every time that kid got breastfed, it would do like a thumbs up? I'm the thumb that like, this is every man's dream. How do you breastfeed through silicone? I don't know.

That is interesting. He breastfed and tried to grab her hair at the same time. He pulled it back. He likes to breastfeed face down, ass up. He keeps trying to flip around to a 69 while he's breastfeeding. He's the only kid who likes to breastfeed on his back. It's weird. He pours a bunch of oil to breastfeed.

Oh, God. He's like, can we breastfeed in this van called the Bang Bus? Mike, can you milk yourself into this martini glass and I drink it? I'm going to breastfeed through a hole in the wall. You guys see George Bush? They're trying to kill him.

Really? ISIS. Did they throw another shoe at him? They wanted to assassinate him in Dallas. They were going to... Cool. ISIS. How do you kill George Bush?

You give him like the cat in the hat. You're like, read this. His head explodes. Try and get to the end of it. You give him one of those small toys from McDonald's and he chokes on it. A Rubik's Cube. Yeah, you give him a pretzel.

He choked on a pretzel right after 9-11. You don't put a gate around the pool. Dumbass. That's how you kill George Bush. You put him to sleep on his belly. You leave a cat in his room overnight. You just touch the back of his head. It's not fully.

The bones aren't there yet. You can hit his brain. We are with Sandra Dutz. George Bush choked to death on a fucking horsey pull string toy. George Bush fell in the pool. ISIS plotting to assassinate George Bush. You don't put away a game of hungry, hungry hippos. It just eats it. Yeah.

We're sorry to say that George Bush was accidentally left in a hot car last night. Yes, it is very sad. Someone left out some plastic bags and George got into them suffocated to death. George got in a strange white van last night.

ISIS plants that kidnap and rape George Bush. We told him to beware of stranger danger, but he just doesn't listen. Apparently they had candy, and George is gone. He had watched McGruff that day. He's gone. He's gone. Mr. Bush, help me look for this dog.

George W. Bush. I have lost my puppy. George Bush apparently followed a trail of candy into the woods. George Bush was on the along AOL chat room. Hugh Jackman's just trying to find him in Prisoners. He's like torturing Paul Dano. He's like, what did you do to George Bush?

Paul Dano's just like, hello, hello, hello. Just retarded ISIS guy. Paul Dano's just like, they're so sweet when they're retarded. Fuck. How did they try to kill him? I don't know.

What was the plot? They were ISIS. They threw a shoe at him. Show Jace this church. Jace, okay, we thought you'd like this. Okay, can you put it up on the big screen? Oh, big screen stuff. Okay.

Oh, you set it up. Sure, sure. Okay. Yeah, so pretty much, because it's a a long video so we're skipping a little bit but essentially it's exactly what it says pastor admits to molesting a 16 year old over 20 years ago wow she then shows up and confronts him in the service but the guy so he confessed it during the service and then she comes so he's doing it like a pastor he's giving a sermon but he's like beating around the bush talking about how like it's um you know this guy's not the first bush he's beating around

beating around the playing field all right um jesus can i kill myself yeah so he's like um talking about how it's like adultery and like i'm confessing to i've sinned and it's adultery he's trying to like big dick it right yeah and he's not and then he has a lot of bd energy look at this big dicker and like damn i don't care what a solid dude that he would say that i don't care i don't care what the brother did. He's lying. Dude, he's retarded. So anyway, I guess this... You retarded. This molestation victim comes up.

Comes on stage. Calls him out on stage right after he talks. For missing some details. Interesting. Okay, let's play the video. Let's watch this. Does she pull a handgun out? And recently...

Recently? Recently, I went to Whataburger. They have canceled the honey butter chicken biscuit. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last day on earth. That is an unpardonable sin. Ladies and gentlemen,

I need to tell y'all that this will be my last sermon. Have you ever been to a church? I will be executing myself at home. Jay, have you ever been to a church like this? Huh? Have you ever been to a church? I will be executing myself at home. Jay, have you ever been to a church like this? Huh? Have you ever been to a church like this?

Like it's a weird geodesic dome? Yeah, no, a lot of churches kind of look like that, honestly. Interesting church. It's like old men giving massages to younger boys. What is this, the Freemasons? All right.

Am I silent? Ladies and gentlemen, it's come to my attention that the Permian Panthers starting quarterback is not going to play this week, this Friday. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be killing myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted to let you know I molested a 16-year-old. Roll Tide, but I molested a 16-year-old. Roll Tide. Roll Tide. Oh my God. I just want to say, you know, that girl came on to me. We'll hook them anyway. In accordance with our church bylaws, I'm stepping aside, stepping down from ministry responsibilities and have committed to the Lord and now to you that I will submit to the process and

recommendations of this board. So he's resigning. Yeah, so he resigns. Look at these fucking fags. Oh my God. He resigns and then they go, they applaud him. Oh my God at these fucking fags. Oh, my God. He resigns, and then they go, they applaud him. Oh, my God.

These fucking faggots. Give him a standing ovation. They go, hook them horns. Just shoot that church up. I'd be so stoked. They go, the worst thing that ever happened in my life was when Texas beat USC, which was amazing.

Hook them horns, but they were led by a black feller. Reverend, we just want to say we're sorry that whore bitch did that to you. Honestly, that would be the real reaction. That's literally the reaction.

I've literally seen that happen in real life. You've seen it happen in real life. Talk about that real quick because I know this is a great story. Yeah, I've told this before, but we had a guy who was like 26. He was a coach and he fucked like four students

and I knew him. He was a cool dude. He better be. He was cool as shit. He hit Matthew McConaughey and he was confused. Coach Tears is so cool. I hope he fucks me. Coach Tears. And they came forward and the whole school was like those fucking whores

breaking up the marriage. And then the whole – the booster club made bumper stickers like, we support KT. All these religious people, like, I heard the girls didn't even spit on it. And they're like, oh, my God, Marjorie, you're telling me it was dry sex? Those whores made him have dry sex? Now I heard Marjorie, one of the girls came. And I just find that disgusting.

I've come once and it's for my son Jakibi. When I got pregnant with my son Jakibitan. Jakibitan? Jak Jakibitin. Jakibitin Yarborough. And my other son, Bucky. My daughters,

Mikayla, Matayla, Mikayla, Matayla, McKenna, and Mskenna. I'm teaching Matayla now how to not be a pillow princess

Yeah my beautiful son My beautiful son Hidden Valley Ranch I'm about to be a grandmother I've recommended some names I think Crystal Light is a beautiful name. I live by three rules. God, buck shots, and back shots. Anyway, we're expecting Crystal Light.

She's expected to be born five months premature. She's a preemie. She's a preemie. Of course, we had a lot of preemies because our great grandpa he grew up inside of a dynamite factory i want a sweet i want a sweet girl so i've been i've been adding some pure cane sugar into my dr peppers at night typically we have not had a woman born with a uterus in about three generations now she's about the size of this here Twinkie. Alright, let's get back to this. Look at this.

Yeah, they're applauding. Look at this talk. For 27 years I lived in a prison. It was not 20 years. Whoa. I lived in a prison of lies and shame. Lying to protect the Lowe family. For years I thought I was a horrible

person having suicidal thoughts, not realizing what had been truly done to me, that I was a victim and I would still be in a prison if my brother, and many of you know him, Edgar Wolf, had not approached me just two weeks ago with what he had seen as a teenager. That bothered him all these years. His pastor. In bed. With his younger sister. With t-shirt and underwear on. People knew but were too afraid to come forward. And they have now.

The lies of manipulation have to stop. I was a prisoner. What she so pissed about. I even said that like a hillb But what's she so pissed about? I even said that like a hillbilly. What's she so pissed about? Yeah, there probably is some guy being like, you know, Matthew 15, 23 says women cannot speak in the service.

So frankly, I have not listened to a word you said, miss him. I don't remember reading this in the program. Her family made her walk home that night afraid they would get struck by lightning in the car. They're like, the Lord will strike down upon me because of you and your sins. Yeah. Michaela, she sat on a chair while she had her period, and in Leviticus 12,

that says that the Lord should kill us all. And that is a just God, and that is a loving kill us y'all and that is a just god and that is a loving god y'all and you know i just pray that god uh makes all the gay people die from monkey pox y'all i just know he sent aids to y'all bless him bless his name bless his name what a bird say what aurger after everything The father The son

And the honey Butter chicken biscuit The father The son The honey Butter chicken biscuit To the father The son

And the Bucky's Cafeteria That pulled pork From Bucky's So yeah Bucky's fudge Yeah so McKenna's Her preemie baby

Is going to be born On one of them rollers For the hot dogs At the Bucky's And it's just going to Live born on one of them rollers for the hot dogs at the Buc-ee's. And she's going to live in that for a couple months next to the Takedos. Oh, God. She'll grow. She'll grow.

She'll grow. She'll work a little tan. Doctor recommended. We don't really have a crib for McKenna. It's just kind of an empty bag of buts but she crawls up and now she loves it it's like a ball pit in there it's a lot of exercise she gets through if she gets through the the checks mix and through the cheese it but we don't we don't have a sitter so she gets set by our eight pit bulls. We just put them in a room and they just have at it.

And we didn't like pit bulls to begin with because they're considered the black people of dogs. But at the end of the day, they are killing machines and they will protect you and your family. My wife works for a charity that saves pit bulls from black people. And also, once I realized... And then we adopt them and we sicks from black people. And also, once I realized... And then we adopt them and we sick them on black people. It's like a real revenge fantasy. It's really amazing what we've cooked up.

And I'm hearing a little bit. We call it reverse jangling. Woo! anyway we are a cultured people a lot of the towns here are german names that is what's so funny about texas i had no idea about the german all the the german towns well the germans moved because they were the third wave of immigrants to New York. So they were, even the Irish were like, hey, you fucking. So the Germans came to Texas first, named a bunch of towns, and they were like, this sucks, though. They're like, we got to get back to Germany to kill all these Jews. Yeah, the Germans moved to Texas.

They're like, this is terrible. We got to kill all these Jews. We moved here. There's no Jews to kill. They're like, all the people here are killing themselves with high fructose corn syrup and religion we have to leave Bratwurst Texas

the fucking wasps just convinced them the Native Americans were Jews no but we would occasionally you play like our district was Wall Texas and it was nothing you go in the town it's nothing but 6-4 W-A-L-L-L. But it was nothing but just 6-4 white dudes.

Just big ass white dudes. That was the whole town. Interesting. Because they're just all German. And all their names were like, you know, Frankenberger. Right, right, right. Yeah. Hitler Stevens.

Hitler Stevens. Coming to the court, number 33, Hitler Stevens. Kid running out with the stash on. It's a big Jack Adolf Hitler. All the guys in the stands, they're like, he's got a hell of a jumper on him. Look at that stroke.

Notice the way he shoots the ball with a perfect stroke. This big jacked Adolf Hitler gets on a lifted pickup truck. And then that's where they also started the three-point thing being for Nazis. All these old white guys in the crowd like, three! That's A-OK with me! Look at that jumper! He hit that straight from the sniper tower. The aim. okay with me. Look at that jumper.

He hit that straight from the sniper tower. The aim. Oh, man. I don't like that there's an obvious screenshot out there now of me doing that. No context. That was a risky episode. What are you gonna do? We're trying to get past

this. It's risky whiskey. It's been a rough week. A little whiskey whiskey. A little whiskey. Ooh, little Hitler Whitney. Little Holocaust-y schmolocost-y. Ooh, wow, this is delicious pie. That's Phil Roast.

Somebody feed Phil. He's just casually going through the Holocaust. Ooh, I love this rhubarb. That high school's mascot is just a train with a big smile. Oh, man. All right, let's get, because do they like kill the lady that's like saying that he like, I wonder if they start booing or something.

Yeah, that's so late. This is what? She's, yeah. I'm a prisoner no longer. She starts yelling at the pastor's son in a second, and that's where it starts. Everybody's starting to sit down. I know you do, and I have plenty of other stories that I could bring to you.

All these people are like, we were told Colt McCoy was showing up. Who's this bitch? We heard the McCoy family singers were going to show up. Things to show up. This whole row just got lightheaded when they stood up. Yeah, that's right. They had to sit down. They're not even sitting down because they don't agree.

They're just like, I'm a little lightheaded. Y'all, I'm not supporting my diabetic foot went dead. I got to stand up for a second. Get some blood to it. Doctor says I got sludge blood, y'all. Sludge blood. I got sludge blood. Sludge blood.

The worst part about diabetes is it made my whole left foot black. And that's my ace favorite color. The diabetes. Diabetes. God damn it! This is the black man's disease! My brother, he was left out in the cold. He got the frostbite.

His whole right foot's black. I'm all like, black back! These diseases that the black fellers have come up with are killing me and my family. I said why, girl? I said why? Why are you doing this to me? Please make me white and pure again.

I just saw that. God damn it. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, boy. That's that Jack Rabbit West Texas football. That's that West Texas Young Homeslick White Wreckum Townsend football. Oh, fuck.

You gotta give him like a jack. You gotta give him like a jack rabbit. You gotta give your knees back. Your knees back. Back straight. You don't know we're referencing the Rootin' Toon. Rootin' Toon and Football Man. It's a video we made.

That's how we imagine every guy in West Texas is just that guy. He's just a football coach. God damn it, boy. You big as shit. I can't eat solid food. Get out there and hit somebody. I have CT. I'm like, why you big as shit? I can't eat solid food. Get out there and hit somebody. I have CTE, I have over 400 concussions in my lifetime.

I have never rested. I always got back out on the field. I'm 37 years old. I am 37 years old. I got the brain. I have the brain of a 100-year-old man. Makes me more prone to violence. And that's why I've been raping all the women in my church. And we got the Panthers played this Friday.

If the Panthers don't win state, I'm going to kill myself. Lucky for me, I don't remember day after day. Doctor says I got something called not Alzheimer's. The Walls told me we're going to win on Friday and to blow my wife's brains out. It's just the sun go down, my brain turns into an itchy sketch, boy. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. God, I almost pissed myself.

Holy shit. Anyway. Anyway, let's watch this rape bitch talk. Let's watch this lying whore speak. Saying that about the good pastor. My least favorite word is victim. Victim. You can't be a victim.

You gotta take control of the ball. All you gotta do is hold on to that damn football, you whore. My daddy won state. My granddaddy won state. And my great granddaddy was Hitler. But that's me, don't hit the steven oh my god oh fuck it's Still the black diabetes.

I'm fucking sweating. I'm sweating too. I'm very hot right now. We're just inside hell right now. I don't even drink coffee unless there's cream around. Get them black coffee. Black foot. Oh, fuck. allowing blacks to play quarterback was an unpardonable sin the only pocket they don't stay in is on the football field

trying to steal and take from me scrambling. The only pocket they don't stay in is on the football field. Trying to steal and take from me. Always leaving the pocket because they got a gun in their actual pocket. Black quarterbacks they think that football's my wallet. Am I sure that you vowed my wallet. Am I sure the Uvalde sheriff?

Am I sure the head sheriff at the Uvalde police department? If you try to go in that school, I will shoot you. Oh, God. Hold the line. I'm looking for a run. Hold the line. Oh, fuck. Offsides hog tire.

We're going to go into the school in a wire formation. Wishbone, y'all. Wishbone. Well, it's been a rough week. We've made a lot of people laugh. But that's our job as comedians. Well, it's been a rough week. We've made a lot of people laugh. Yeah, you know. But that's our job as comedians. To explore the dark. What are we supposed to do?

We explore the haunted recesses of the mind. Truth tellers. We do this for you. We dive in and help you cope with depression. Nothing makes me happier than making people laugh. I make your life easier and I make trans people kill themselves. It's a win-win. I do love when comics say that.

I do comedy to make people laugh. I love making people laugh. It's like, well, you could just go up to all those people and show them Chappelle's show. You don't even have to do anything. I live to make people laugh. That's why I do a three-hour podcast where I don't tell a single joke. I live to make people laugh. That's why I do a three hour podcast where I don't tell a single joke.

I just tell a 45 minute story about how bread makes you trans. I'm obsessed with trans people. That is all comedy, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know what's going on, but comedy is like now just everyone has a trans bit. Yeah. It's just you do keto and you hate trans people. Keto and trans. That's it.

That's all comedy. That's all. Yeah. The biggest way to make it in comedy is to get into mixed martial arts that's it yeah yeah yeah it is anyways back to play that fucking play that liar video never been done if you can't admit the truth you have to answer the guys you are not the victim here I tried to tell someone but all that was done was cover up no one ever came to me no one ever helped me no one ever got me counseling I have

wanted to talk to somebody all of these years and never you have you have somebody that you talk to. I never have. The church deserves to know the truth. This church has been built on lies, but no more. The lies need to stop. I could give story after story after story. It's been built on middling football is what it's been built on. It's been built on lies. It's been built on hard work.

You heard. Blood, sweat, and tears is what it's been. Blood, sweat, and tears. We were short. We were on the one yard line. Everybody taking me. We lost to that damn Astrodome. To that goddamn

black team. What you just said is the most accurate thing you've said about Texans. I swear to God. It was always you'd get the state and you'd face the first black team you saw all year. We've been watching for goddamn people that are built well. You'd be in the state championship at Grove, and it's like, they're so fucking black.

Yeah, damn it. God damn it. I can't believe we're losing out there. The other team's got helmets on. We've got cowboy hats. Why are we not winning? Up to out there. The other team's got helmets on. We got cowboy hats. Why are we not winning? Up to the ref. You're out.

Ref, they're blind. Come on. Get them out. Look at them. God damn Dallas, Carter. God damn movie made it look like a bunch of fools. Fuck Friday night lights. Fuck them.

More like a hundred to life for the black team. Oh, fuck. I love how we play the rape story and then we just go back to it. We keep doing it. It's like both guys. We can't.

This poor girl can't say anything about it. We're just sorry. We have a riff. Sorry, bitch. Hey. Boring. Boring. We are riffing here.

We have a good thing going. You're not going to ruin that. Have you seen this momentum? Come on. You have to run with the momentum once you have it. You got to run with the ball. Get up in there and get up the gut. Shut up.

had a pretty good season until we ran into that team where a couple of them players were bigger than six foot all right all right yeah all right back to this yeah all right all right you were raped by your priest we get get it. Let crime geek out. Oh, okay. Crime geek. If I would have gotten counseling, your dad would be in prison. Oh, now they're trying to silence her. I'm trying to help you the way, but every time you covered up for Russ Spankle,

my best friend was my age. When your associate pastor was molesting his two daughters. And you know that. You sent him to be a pastor in another church. We can call Melanie right now and Cassie, her sister. They sat down with you. You sent Melanie.

Every man there's open carrying. She want me to shoot her? They're starting to turn on her. You can tell the truth because this is a lie. You're hysterical. You need to come. Yeah. Listen.

Listen. My wife... We... Listen here, bitch. Listen here. Did somebody not have their pills today? Sounds like somebody needs mother's little helper. Listen, I think we know what this is.

It looks like it's somebody's time of the month. I think Aunt Flo's interrupting church, y'all. Anyway, throw her in the pit! Anybody got a bar of pit? Wait, wait, wait. Throw her in the pit! there's just a big like

sarwak pet from star wars throw her in the pit let her down there with the goblins just retarded people that keep in cages mongo feast feast

feast feast Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast! Right after they throw her in the pit a bunch of 5,000 pound people on rascal scooters waving the American flag just scootered by blasting air horns like

We will not be replaced, y'all! we will not be replaced we will not be replaced by lion horns she's in the pit y'all she's in the pit Mongo you got a good month ahead of you boy

you about to be well fed oh fuck it's like the rancor Mongo Oh, fuck. It's like the Rancor. Mongo! Mongo. Oh, God. It's not just adultery. It's another level when it's a teenager.

And I will not let this man talk about my wife like that. It happened for nine years. When she was 15, 16, the sexual grooming started. Would somebody shoot her with a tranquilizer gun already? It's crazy. Let the man speak for her now. That's all we're going to say.

Except that's it. That's fine. That's her husband. Oh, her husband's cutting her off. Listen, I know it's getting a little long. Husband's like, listen, I know it's a little long-winded rape story. You should try going to dinner with her, y'all. I mean, it's like finish a story.

God damn it. Sorry, sorry. I made my bitch tell me the end of a story first. She's getting hung up on a lot of inconsequential details. What's he holding? The mic, I think. It's a necklace. It's like a virginity necklace.

Oh, yeah. Walls. Jesus. This was Bobby's purity ring, which she wore while this man had sex with her. She fell ashamed over the tears wearing the cover of a purity ring. Why does that guy take a.38 out and blow that guy's brains out? Well, you know, they're both... They're men of God. We'll settle it on the football field.

I'll see you at state. I'll see you at state i'll see you at state they think they're both in remember the titans right now my team your team strong. You're supposed to be my Superman. They can't just bamboozle people. Came to my attention last week that what happened to my wife was illegal. I may explain there are a shed of laws that govern this country. I've been watching a show called Better Call Saul. It's been showing me all sorts of stuff. It's a show about the white man versus the evil cholo.

It's a show about an innocent white man, white lawyer, man of the law. You want to talk about a victim? Saul's a victim. He was corrupted by the Mexicans. The Mexicans? The Mexican corrupting brother Saul. They got a Mexican in a suit on the show. There's a couple Mexicans in a suit and they look the same.

Called the twins. And boy, do these fellas mean business i go my god they made two of them two of them mexican you can't have two and their and their boots their boots are scary they got a skull on the tip of their boots. It's so badass. They got a damn skull on their boots. Why didn't it look closer? I think them damn boots were snakes. I saw them twins. I said, God damn.

These Mexicans having babies two at once now. So, y'all, my wife's being a bit of a scholar right now. She's being a real bitch, y'all. Fuck. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's finish it up. This is the good part. They're getting to the good part.

It was far beyond adultery. So here's the covenant period ring back. I don't want it in my home. We're done. Oh, it was nice that he knew it would make that noise. They walk off. They're like, all right. So anyway, back to Genesis. Yeah, they're like, oh, God, isn't us some good erase?

Damn, look at that fucking mouth. Oh, my God. I expect that. Oh, my God. That man's half cockroach. These people look like human banjos. Fucking A. There's a fetal alcohol syndrome.

Yeah, it is a lot. A lot of welders in there right now. A lot of guys inhaling aluminum every day. I told you I committed adultery. I told you it went on far too long. Did you do it? Beat him to death. Yes, we did.

Did you do it? Beat him to death. You didn't tell us he was 14 years old. Woo! No, at 16. Oh, shit, he admits that it was 16? No, it was 16. He's going to jail now. Holy shit, he admits that it was 16? He goes, she goes, no, it was 16. He's going to jail now.

Holy shit, he just admitted to a crime. Although, what's the age of consent in Texas? 12. Yeah, what is the age of consent? Oh, there could be a statute of limitations. Also, some states it is 16. Maryland at 16. I think it's like up to the court's discretion, though. They make those laws in case like a 16.

I'm from the DMV. I know they make those laws in case like i'm from i'm from the i'm from the dmv you know i know they make everybody in dmv knows that they make those laws in case like a 7 18 year old that sex like a 17 year old so like if it's like a 15 year old having sex like a 38 year old wasn't that called the juliet law right or whatever it's like 19 and 17 yeah within two years it's like up to the court's discretion whether or not it was like abuse or something yeah all right so it doesn't mean you can just bang 16-year-old Richie. Richie. Sick fuck.

Alright, let's finish this up. I'm going back to Maryland where I'm safe. Can you look at the age of consent in Texas real quick? Eight years old. Yeah, it's at conception. At conception. years old yeah it's a yeah it's at conception it's fucking 17 17 17 well there you go yeah so he's going to jail he's going to prison yeah that guy should where he should be fucking he should be fucking executed they should all just beat him to death in there yeah there's just a lot of. I want to see them yell at him more.

All right. Let's wrap this up, and then let's move on to the Patreon, because we've done good work. Oh, Jesus. How long have we done? Like an hour and 20. Really? Yeah. Jesus, I guess I'm just so hot.

Time flies when you're fucking... When you're playing that West Texas football, baby. That's that West Texas Dallas Midland. That's that West Texas pedophilia for you. That Rootin' Tootin' Pedophilia. Rootin' Tootin' Statutory Rape. It's not all true, but that did happen, yes. That did happen, y'all.

Does this idiot not realize what he's admitting to? It's the ego of being a man of God, right? I think he's kind of basically doing that thing where he's like, listen, y'all, I come before, you know, we're all weak. We all fall short of the grace of God. Right, right, right. We skipped that part at the beginning, but that's exactly what it is. You can kind of get away with anything with religious people.

Right. If you're already, like, they come see you every week, right? Like, you're a part of their lives. And then they almost, like, grow close. They're like close they're like god bless him he must be under so much pressure right now he right right he regrets it y'all he didn't mean it yeah there's people in the crowd like first polanski now this is their big plan knife in the water is a cinematic masterpiece, y'all. I love it.

And you're not going to do what you did to Pileski to my pastor. If it was up to you, you would have aborted Roseberry's baby. You know how good Pileski is? He's a goddamn Jew and I love him. I ain't flying to Switzerland to hear a good sermon, y'all. If you modify this thing, I'm going to fly to France to watch this pastor speak because he had to

leave the country because he fucked the girl in the ass at Jack Nicholson's house, you're sadly mistaken. That girl says she should be forgiven. That's on record. The girl's mom drove her there.

She'll blame that whore. Oh, fuck. What are you doing? A photo shoot at 14, bitch. Woo! I love that this is not the Patreon. It's crazy. Texans defending Lansky. I love that this is not the Patreon I can't do anything about that except to tell you that

if I could go back and redo it all I'd do it again if I could go back and redo it all I'd come on her tits I think we could just wrap this Yeah let's call it Let's call it We'll move over to do a Patreon episode

We're going to get to the Patreon folks Join us over at Patreon Patreon.com slash hatewatchpod We are still quick update But there really is no update We're still putting together the boxing match We're looking for a guy We We have to find the right guy. We're going to gyms lately, and it's

kind of hard, actually, but we'll find one. And Joey's in great shape, actually. Yeah, Joey's working out a lot. You know. Ran 10 miles. He does great stuff. Anyway, join us on Patreon. Thanks, everybody. Thank you.