Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Scorched Earth

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

We talk about the grieving process, Devan takes his rage out on some of the top TikToker's doing comedy, we watch I Am Sam and then enjoy the greatness of Chet Hanks Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate you nuts, and I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. We're just going for it. We're just going for it. Lay it all on the line. just going for it we're just going for it lay it all on the line but yeah that was uh joey and i went uh we went like oh fuck them fucking fans up but uh we went suit shopping uh-huh for the please talk about your dead friend let me just get the fan right before i talk about a funeral throw that on the ground okay let me throw this on the ground too we need to get the ambiance right to talk about your dead friend. Be like, yeah, hold off about Jack.

I don't like that mic in his frame. How's the feng shui? Can we get one of those light meters out here? So, Joey and I, obviously, if you don't know, our really good friend died a couple weeks ago. And it's been a hell. It was John. We lost. We lost John. John died in a weeks ago. It's been a hell. It was John. We lost John.

John died in a bar fight. RIP John Battenberg. Finally got shanked by... John tried to do one of the moves from Roadhouse and got stomped to death. So Joey and I are like, literally, it's like Harry and Lloyd going to look for suits. We had no clue where to look for suits yeah we had

we had no clue where to even start so we just go to the glendale galleria we wander around we even were like we were willing to just drop 450 just to have the nightmare be over so like we walked into one of those like places that does it all for you like indo china or some shit like that like right at the fucking americana okay and none of them can get it back to you in time by like the date we needed so then we feel like i'll go to men's warehouse we go to men's warehouse this is like a jaded armenian guy like just try just throwing suits at us like yes looks great we all look great you look great amazing and we have these black suits on and joey's like we joey keeps asking the guy he goes are you sure this doesn't look sad

enough the suits were too shiny and black he's like I just don't feel like we look sad enough and then Joey goes so listen pal say you were going to an all black funeral what's the one thing you can't show

up looking like and everybody's like well I cannot even imagine that. And the guy goes, just make sure it's not too big. And I was like, like the Michael Jordan suits? He goes, yes, yes, they will clown you.

Wait, he really said that? I wish he did that. But he was basically saying that. It will be a Joan fest. It will be. It will be a straight Joan fest. The black teenagers, they roast so well. It's the barbershop culture.

But yeah, it was like, Joey was legitimately like, yeah, he asked the guy, he was like, come on, these aren't sad enough, right? He was like asking, like, where's the sad suits? You guys are dressed like Wary Sanders, mid-90s. Like those big, dumbass Armani suits. We show up looking like Steve Harvey. You have big, yellow Kings of Comedy. You got the breast.

What was that called? The three-piece suit with the chain across it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Joey. I'm talking about the Kings. Then Joey's like, he was really insecure about it. He's like, I just don't, you know, I feel like we're gonna get made fun of.

And I was like, not to be sad, but I was like, Joey, you realize Jack's gone, right? The guy who's, we're going for the funeral. He would be the one to shit on us. We're finally safe. This one time. Yeah, you're finally free. We're finally free.

I couldn't fucking show up with a stain around the sky without getting like a drive-by roasting. Yeah. Now you're like, who's got the last laugh now, huh? Yeah, uh-huh. Look at that. I'll show up with a ton of stains. I would love if you just got drunk and grabbed the mic

and just really went for it. Like when Tom Hanks did Michael Cork Duncan's funeral. Have you seen that video? No, no, no. What have I started? Freestyling? Yeah.

Joey, give me a beat box, buddy. I wrote a couple of bars for this situation. It's like everybody from the three. Oh man. But yeah, it's been interesting watching,

um, the, the, the, how we all grieve in different ways. I haven left joey's side or richie's really uh for about the first week was horrendous and we were all just staying up all night yeah yeah because everyone was just breaking down randomly um but joey grieves in very interesting ways uh the ways you would expect for hearing stories about him. Woke up at 6am to Ida running in the

room. We all got drunk and just sad and he couldn't go to sleep so he was on my couch all night just drinking and I go to bed and Ida runs in at one point, wakes me up and goes, Tevin, he's calling in bomb threats!

And I run outside and Joey's sitting on my couch with his phone out and he's on the phone with Chase Bank. It's 6am. There's a lady on the other line that's like, okay, so you want to pay off the $375 in this account? Is that correct, sir? And Joey goes,

would hate to be in Times Square right now. And then I have to wrestle a phone out of his hand. Yeah, grief is a weird visitor for us all. I mean, yeah, little did Chase Bank know. Yeah, Joey grieves by becoming the Unabomber for about a week. He really, he's obsessed with bombs. And this has only made it worse yeah because you know now the snakes are coming out yeah yeah joey called me

like drunk at like 9 a.m one day i had to like walk out of work and he's like buddy i got this lady who's gonna suck you off real quick and he's like i'm gonna put you on the phone like we're doing a like we're doing a business meeting. And I was like, all right, put her on. Joey's like, can you send your resume? Joey's like, I found you a lady that could suck you off on LinkedIn. Yeah, so we talked for maybe 15 minutes. I'm like, all right, Joey, I have a job, so I have to go now. I'm sorry, buddy.

It's 9 a.m. on a Wednesday, so I got to get out of here. Yeah, we're better now. We've all had a little talk with each other about how we can't let this kill us all. Right. Well, that's what I was worried about. I mean, I came over day one, mostly for the credit. My goal was to leave going like, everybody's just like, I, you know, I came over day one, you know, mostly for the credit, you know, I just wanted, my goal was to leave going like,

man, everybody's just like, man, what a great friend Jay says. What a great guy. And it's also funny. I've never been around somebody, you know, I didn't really know the guy that well,

you know, I came in later after you guys, but of course I'm sad for all you guys and I'm not drinking. So it's weird to be around people who are grieving when you yourself are not really grieving yeah you know yeah it's weirdly kind of i think much tougher for me it is odd yeah oh i feel bad for anyone that was around i was barely paying attention to who was there i was happy you know i love you all but i was yeah you just go down this like you know you have blinders on i was either crying or staring at the floor. Yeah. This is basically...

I honestly forgot you were there. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. I forgot everybody was there. Yeah, yeah. I put Devin to sleep at one point. Yeah, Chase tucked me in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that was passed down. Was I? You were about to fall out of your chair the whole time. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And all these drunk boasters were just watching. I was like, I guess I'll put him to bed or something.

We had sunglasses on. You know, I couldn't tell. I had no idea that losing a close friend in a tragic way would just, it kind of permanently turns you into Mike Ehrmantraut. Literally the last two weeks, I just find myself just staring

at like the wall of a Starbucks or, you know, like you just sit in front of the TV and you look at your reflection of the TV. You don't even turn it on. And then you go work for your cartel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh... Yeah, you got a dark, troubled past now.

Yeah. And you can kick ass. I just turn on a ball game. Not even watching it, just like on the radio. Just sitting there. You guys all live in different apartments now? Like a sad old guy apartment. Yep. Yep. And you just iron your old

your one shirt that you have. I have one pair of shoes. You're very meticulous about your horrible life. Yeah. Yeah. I starch it. Yeah. You start. You have all your bean cans lined up. Very meticulous about our horrible life. Perfectly. The labels showing like it's

flip. I have the most depressing picture of my loved one that I could find like in the, in the car. I look at it every day. Yeah. You can't even keep it out. You keep it in a separate area. It's in a separate area. I go into a lock box and I just look at it.

You're like, well, that's enough grief for today. I'll put this back in the safe. And you go, ah, it's Wednesday. It's's beans night beans night again for old Mike I know you weren't like friends with him like I was and we were and stuff but you did like

know you know as a figure the figure you knew Jack to be like not never expected him to I mean this is the whitest thing he's ever done he really went joker mode it's unbelievable it's i i i'm like wow jack if you knew how white this made you look yeah yeah fucking machine gun kelly over here i know none of those people ever it's always the smart ones

that go through with it yeah you know demi lovato i how many times has she really thought about pulling the trigger yeah what's your problem why can't you do it yeah why can't you fucking pull your let me tell you the you know if the guns had whipped cream in it you'd do it yeah well i was also pissed i was like i've been wanting to do this for 15 years you know that's what's also one of the craziest things about it is that, yeah, it's so out of left field. Yeah, yeah. For, you know, he was not. He wasn't your, like, typical depressed. He wasn't, like, kid-cutty depressed. Yeah, yeah.

Like, Jack wasn't walking around, like, humming. Like, I'm running. If only we could have got him. Kid C. Ghost. Anyway. If only we could have played the one- cop of i'ma keep on moving on that's the only thing that can save a black suicidal man it's just kid cudi's homes but i would really love if you went up to the funeral big suit

just fugue stayed, and you're like, nah, Jack wasn't like them other brothers y'all know down in LA. I'm going to go. What if my suit has all the Eastern Conference and Western Conference basketball teams on both arms? Yeah, you have cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve. Yeah, let me tell you something about brother jack let me break it down i just i just it's a complete stereotype i'm like jack he goes he loved my homemade patented collard greens jack got a big handkerchief And you're dabbing I go oh lord

Just audience in silence Mouth again Oh god Oh shit Well I was gonna say There's At Michael Cork Duncan's funeral Tom Hanks does speak

Oh really And I might be changing Into my memory But at one point He does go like, now I remember talking to Michael and he said, oh, lordy, I sure do love acting.

Pull it up. See if we can find it. Yeah, if you can find it. Watch, it's going to be like perfectly normal. Tom Hanks is like, listen, I am well versed in the black community. We all know my son, Chet. Where do you think he got it from? We're going to let Chet do a little dance he wanted to do real quick.

I taught him everything he knew. No, I'm the one that brought him to Jamaica. First class, of course. Here we go. Here's Tom Hanks at Michael Clark Duncan. At the Green Miles funeral. It's true that he himself told me. Michael grew up in a part of Chicago that we three stooges are not

he's like michael was wild as hell boy south side south side brother illuminated themselves their trademark was they had a little patch of red dyed into their their afro their hair hair. Big Mike said he told me, I kind of like these guys. Oh, there you go. I kind of like these guys. And I said, how do you decide to join a gang? He said, you walk up to him and said,

I like to be in your gang. The crowd likes it. They're into it. This was at a time when you could do this. They had all probably just come from bringing down the house. They all, they all saw the movie together. They're like, I loved for Scott.

Yeah. Now they wouldn't. Now he would add to cover for the bomb. He would be like, that's how he sounded. Yeah, that's how we talk. Yeah.

So spot on and be fired. Yeah. Yeah. He'd come back from his friend's funeral and they'd be like, uh, Tom Hanks, we also, he thought he from his friend's funeral, and they'd be like, Tom Hanks, you're canceled. We all saw this. He thought he was at Baba's funeral.

Now, when me and Michael started that shrimp fishing business. They beat the crap out of you for 20 minutes. And that's how you get in the gang. It sucks that you can't do voices, because he's trying to sound like how Michael Clark Duncan sounded. Right. sucks that you can't do voices because he he's trying to sound like how michael clark duncan sound right but nowadays this is like you're racist for doing the voice yeah yeah of a guy that's how he kind of you're trying to sound like how he's it's literally he's doing what chad hanks does yeah he's actually doing a very good job great chad hanks making perfect sense now

tom hanks is a wigger his whole family Hanks is at the funeral with an AI sleeve and a fucking jersey on. Even Colin Hanks is just taking Xanax and two-star foam cups. Yeah, Colin Hanks, he's like doing the numbers. He's like, I don't know, did they pay to get in? So after being beaten, having the crap kicked out of him for 20 minutes, Michael was a member of this gang, and they took some red guys... He sounds like Quentin Tarantino on the Django Unchained press tour.

He's a little... He keeps doing the voice even when he's talking as himself. And gave him that little patch in his head. And he goes home. He said, and my mama was in the kitchen, and she was cooking something at the stove.

He felt so good when he went home after this. And I sat down in the chair, and I kind of like caught my attention. He's like, black people love me. You know he said that. Now, I just saw his mama. She's about as tall as his podium. I'm guessing she's as tall as the stove itself was. So this is how it went.

What's that in your head because you know how black women be being naked. He starts doing a whole, like, his mama came in, smacked him upside his head. We need to take Michael to the ER. You know when grandma comes out with that sandal off, it's time for a real ass whooping. Y'all know what I'm saying. Y'all know what I'm saying. And her whole foot was up his ass.

When she starts beating you with the spoon. And she's... Oh, God. I'm getting some good tips for my speech. It's hard to get you now. Cry. And Mama says, as she's sticking a fork in the pork chop, put him back in the pan. Pork chop? You borrow some scissors from your sister. You cut that thing out of your head she goes back so michael went and

got the person went to the mirror cut it off so now his beautiful afro natural's got this big dent in it right you know with a big crater in it where it used to be this red thing and he goes okay mom i cut it out of my head i said now you go tell your friends you ain't in that gang. I said, what did you do? I went to the corner where the gang was and I found him. I said,

my mama says I can't be in your gang. To be fair, the man is killing. He's killing. It's great. Very charming. This was killing. It's great. Very charming. This was written by Gary Owens. And another thing, why is church so damn long? Gary Owens. The goat, dude.

He's amazing. Greatest. Have you seen Gary Owens? Yeah, you saw it like one time, yeah. Greatest white black comic of all time? Yeah, you saw it like one time. Greatest white black comic of all time. Yeah, he truly is. Unbelievable. He's amazing. He's our Cat Williams. He's like, you know, you go to Golden Corral

and they don't let you take the rip to go? Oh, man. Yeah, but you should do that, though. be that'll be me i'm are you giving a speech i don't know i don't think so right i don't know man uh that'd probably be tough he has so many i mean yeah i don't know i really i i have no clue what to expect um yeah you probably think it would be family now like hey here's some yeah like you know la scumbag also it's like it's just you know we can't get into anything really but it's so complicated now with with with whatever whatever why he did

this and shit is that like i if i'm the family like why even though i was his like you know not i was like a real friend real friend you know but it's like why would they not think this city killed him sure so i'm like afraid to even go up to his mom you know i just feel like she probably looks at everybody in this city as like a member of the beast that took you know sure yeah so i don't know i'm just gonna i'm just gonna probably sit in the back and take swigs from a flask and try and get through this worst day of my life. But with that being said, it's really made me excited. I'm very angry. I'm in a bad, bad mood.

I've been in a horrible mood all week. And I really want to shit on people. Sure. Scorched earth, Jace. Scorched earth. So let's start here. Did you see this article today let's get into it get into it we're who's some libs we can our young fresh and already reaching

millions meet the social media stars trying to break into stand-up and that picture just a perfect summation of all just just bad that's somebody watching their stand-up just a gun and screaming. And you know what's hilarious? This article is, you have to subscribe to the website to even read the article. So I had to do intense work to figure out the names listed,

but I found them. Okay. So let's start with one of these rising stars. His name is Manya Chihuahua. Manya Chihuahua. Okay. And this guy's huge and he's doing stand-up all over town, apparently. Let's check him out. Radio station's playing

Central Sea. Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa on Radio One. Hope you're having a great afternoon, whatever you're up to. Now, we're going to play you the new Central Sea tune. It's called Doja. It is a little bit offensive But we'll play you as much as we can Here we go

And that was Central Sea Doja Up next, Sam Fender That was pretty clever I don't get the joke What's the joke? Because they can't play They're like, we're going to play you as much of the song as we can Oh, and it's fine

Because it's so filthy Small amount They had to shut it off immediately. That's what it's like. All right. Well, Munya is the new Richard Pryor. Next. Munya is actually incredible.

Sorry, Munya Chihuahua. Great name, by the way. Great name. Definitely doesn't make me feel like I'm in an even bigger simulation than I already feel like I'm in. Your name's Munya Chihuahua. You have one million followers, and you're a big deal. And you have Martin Scorsese eyebrows eyebrows and you're a black man people do just get hypnotized by the black guy with a british voice yeah they're amazed by it

you watch that you you immediately think you're watching like a guy ritchie movie or something yeah all right let's um let's uh uh this is her name is stevie martin not steve is, her name is Stevie Martin. Not Steve Martin, her name's Stevie Martin. She's on the list. This is her video trying to print something. For whatever reason, they're all British. I am in a rush. I can scan it for you as well if you like.

Nope, just printing. Photocopy? No, I'm fine, thanks. I'll throw in a free fax just to be sure. I just need it printed. Got it. Great. I'm out of blue ink. Oh, I only need it in black and white.

I can't print in black and white. I can't print in black and white without blue ink. Why? You can order an ink cartridge through me if you like. No, I'll just go to a shop. You can order groceries. Why do I need to order groceries through a printer? Hello, I'd like to buy a blue ink cartridge from my printer, please.

You can't actually get blue cartridges. Oh. You need traditional colors. See, these days people don't print things as often. So it's like, how do you print? How do you print something now? It's hard to use your printer. And it's a frustrating thing for people

and so she's making light of that. That's so fucking true, man. It's great satire. I don't want to even keep going because I'm afraid I'm going to start laughing too much and we won't be able to continue the podcast. Next! We're just going to burn through these. Yeah next we're just gonna burn through yeah we're gonna burn through these real quick and then i'm gonna cry for 30 minutes as we end

um this is called the sugar-coated sisters they're they're touring they're touring the country okay we're sick bitches with the sugar-coated sisters i. I've got bipolar. And now I've got diabetes. It's not... I've got bipolar. And I am diabetic. We're... Sick bitches with a sugar-coated cystus. The good genes just pissed us

and the doctors all just pissed us and pissed us off. They tried to medically gaslight me, especially because we're women. They would not take us seriously. They tried to medically

gaslight me. Medically gaslight? Yeah. Wait, are they saying they don't actually have diabetes? Because they're women and the doctors are like whores. Tell them they have some shit. They're hysterical.

I hate women. That's why I became a doctor to tell stupid whores they have diabetes when they don't. She's actually a brave independent woman. Tell her she has bipolar disorder. That's why she's been in and out of a psych literally think they have bipolar disorder if they're like happy for most of the day and then

like they're like oh it's raining and i was told some bad news now i'm sad i'm like i must have bipolar disorder people are like absolute idiots yeah there's also this like tendency of this on tiktok where it'll be like you'll scroll and then it'll be like some woman be like do you have this and it'll be like get sad when you're driving sometimes it's like you have this and it's like schizophrenia the finger pointing up schizophrenia do you sometimes eat mixed nuts and shake your hand well you have autism i don't know 17 year olds on tiktok are the best diagnosis everybody's just got adhd folks i know for christ's sake what's the deal with that every kid is for jennifer

melfi these days uh he said that all right enough we already got the sick bitches all right alley woods this guy big deal he's on the list his video when you're in a queue but it's peep show they're all british people are a plague what the hell is he doing he's trying to start a second queue there's no second queue this is the queue he knows it as well people are joining don't join the illegal queue i'm not gonna say anything can't be me where's the police batman um excuse me this is the cue so if you want to join in the back thank god oh right thank you you sweet angel yeah so that guy's famous on tiktok yeah i like what they call it a q though the q what do they mean the line that's what they call a line in england bunch of idiots absolute idiots and they invented the language and they still haven't caught up to our perfection yeah get in q oh i'm gonna take my

car from the garage it's garage it's garage porridge eating toothless piece of shit yeah you nasally retard god live in some place called dundleberry or some fucking wacky yeah every time there's a heat wave a thousand people die yeah what's going on because they just don't do ac they had no clue about heat yeah up until this year and they're like, oh, the roads are curling up. And the queen's pussy reeks. We didn't have an airy chili. A chili boxy. They literally, like, yeah, I'm finding out this year that British people in England,

they're like, oh my god, we never knew it gets hot. Right. They're suffering an intense heat wave i guess and like the roads are curling up okay like the cement is like but they literally they don't have ac over there so anytime there's a heat wave in europe like thousands of people die because no buildings like if you're abroad in like spain or italy or something like that you you kind of just like melting there's really no ac and there's no ac and there's no ices there's no ice they hate they hate ice yeah i hate ice is that because they say like i remember a long time ago somebody said like uh like like you're supposed to drink like room

temperature water like cold like iced iced drinks are bad for your stomach or something they drink uh like lukewarm beer warm yeah. They don't drink cold beer. God, they suck ass. It's disgusting. What is wrong with these people? They don't have huge ice makers in every restaurant. It's disgusting. Dude, ice is like the best. I got a Yeti tumbler full of ice right now.

And my low-calorie Gatorade. Is it low-calorie? I'm not dying of... It's zero. It's zero, and it says... This is how you know it's good. It says on the bottle, zero sugar, thirst quencher.

Gatorade Zero is unbelievable. And that's it. Gatorade Zero is amazing. I do love Gatorade Zero. It's actually really creepy how good it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll water it down a little bit. Smart.

Sometimes I just drink Pedialyte with water. Pedialyte's good for you. That's not too bad you know if i had like a long fuck session you know yeah you drink a lot i'll just i'll be like hey babe and i'll just been in a great mood the tables have completely flipped yeah i have a new girlfriend i'm very happy you guys are going through some brutal stuff i was like feeling good for like an hour before this and i was trying to cheer devvin up and then you guys brought up Jack like immediately to start the podcast, even though you were being funny about it.

I was helping. Yeah, I was just like, all right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, we're all we all one day we'll ride and die in the ground. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know, listen, I'm going to after this, I'll start I'll fall to my knees,

but I need to fight through it for people. We need content. Goddamn, these people give me $1,300. I have to just keep going, despite the fact my best friend killed himself. The show must go on. No, it's for you. It's for you.

That's almost one month's rent. So $1,300? In Oklahoma City. Oh my god. I mean, I could get a motel somewhere. Once every three months. I could go on vacation to Torrance.

A whole STEMI check's worth. It was even funny. People were commenting on my Instagram. They were like, where's the new fucking episode? I was like, number one, it's not my podcast. Number two, his friend just killed himself. Jesus, he's fucking a whore.

No, they really want you to just jump back into it and just start going off. These little kings that just want to just dance. I mean, it's unbelievable the amount of content we have out there. I love the amount of times people will, because I've hosted a podcast for like two years,

and the people just message you and be like, hey, man, love the app. Listen to every episode about eight times a piece. I do not have the money for the Patreon right now. I cannot spare $3 once a month. I got people on the Patreon where i've seen them cancel and resubscribe like 10 times and i'm like what are you what are you with the gas state are you like trying to pay your child support and you're like fuck i ate five bucks to devon cancel need

it back you like pay the judge and then you're like i'm sitting pretty and then you're like i love the pod give here's your five back i'm like what is like how how bad are judge and then you're like, I'm sitting pretty. And then you're like, I love the pod. Here's your five back. I'm like, what is like, how bad are you doing? If you're like, shit, I gotta cancel the $5 Patreon. Like, are you living literally like a paycheck to paycheck? I think a lot of people are actually. And they're all dumb. They all have like $600 lease payments on like a new truck.

That's the one. And a mortgage. And they're just like, they're burning it. it's the minute they get it in i know every poor person i know has airpods and a brand new kia yeah yeah but they're it's insulting it's insulting and but they're paying so they're paying every month like 400 bucks for their fucking you know tinted window car which they don't have yeah people love to be trapped in a position where they can't stop yeah they do it on purpose they don't even have to think they can't go to work on monday and be like this fucking sucks because they literally if they stop they'll be dead yeah in three weeks not that there's a lot of not that it's not very easy to get trapped

into a horrible cycle without trying sure yeah there's definitely a lot of people that purposely kind of like they enjoy getting in a cycle of like chaos and you know well i i have to work here forever now because i i have my student loans and i have to pay off this car that i leased to buy and i'm not even talking about necessarily like poor people because i do think there's a lot of very low-income people who are just trapped on that treadmill i i know people who make a million dollars like combined salary a year and are still like broke yeah just because it all goes out the fucking window yeah the minute you get it i worked with a guy when i was working nights um at this bakery he was like a smart dude worked his ass off wanted to like go to college and to give a degree in blabity blue and shit and uh he worked for like five six months like but like really proud of how hard he worked

and he was like taking i would just let him pick up like a lot of my shifts because i was like segueing out of the job and he i come to work one time and he like has a brand new like acura like acura is a very nice car. Brand new, tinted windows. I'm like, congrats, man. How did you fucking do this? He's like, it's a 450. I'm like, you're now enslaved yourself.

You work graveyard at a bakery. You now work for Plantation Acura. He's like, don't worry. It's eight years, 12% interest. It's totally like, don't worry. It's eight years, 12% interest. It's totally fine. Don't worry. Don't worry.

If you don't pay after three months are up, they kill your family. It's fine. I'm doing great. I work nights. I work nights. He literally comes in at 10 p.m. and stays up till 10 a.m. And he's like, I'm good. Degrading his DNA to afford this car. When are you even

awake to drive the thing, you fucking moron? That's true. Buying a new car to drive to work. To drive at night. At midnight. When nobody sees it. Nobody can see it. And leave it overnight in a shitty part of town. I don't want people to think I'm a scrub

when I come home at 4 a.m. It annoys. I'm still driving my first car I've ever owned. It's a Toyota Corolla from 2007 and it annoys the shit out of everybody I know in my life. Well, maybe it's time to become a modern share. I'm the only person that I'm. I look at you like a king

for doing. Yeah, because I that's a great car. First off, the Toyota to Corolla was a 2004 2007 is 200,000 miles on it it i'll get i'll probably get another 200 out of it you know unless i just decided to wrap it around a pole one day oh i do have to say this not to go back to the brutalness of reality but it was very funny when we went it was very sweet but we went over and everybody kept like when we got the news that you know he killed himself like everybody called me and then you said and like a couple

people like hey man don't ever kill yourself and i'm like i'm doing great i have lust for life i know but it's very fair it's very fair given by people checking in on me like i had a couple people that were hitting me up every day. Like, are you okay? And I'm like, Jesus Christ. What did I give? What vibes did I give off to you? Leave me alone.

If you keep texting me, I will kill myself. And I'll write a note before. I'll be like, he kept checking in. I didn't know what to text you, but I just heard, you know, you guys have been going at it. And so I was just like, I just see you a picture of a donkey getting hit by a train or a video of it. And I said, this will cheer you up. Just looking for anything to help.

To be fair, that was a very funny video. That was a great video. We can play it on the Patreon, but it's literally just a donkey standing there, and the train hits it and it just unfolds in front of it. It's so funny. It's a dumbass piece of shit donkey.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your loss. No, it's okay. Life is brutal. No, it's okay. I hate donkeys. I love donkeys, actually. They're very smart. Yeah, are they? They're actually smart.

Are they ornery? I only know them from cartoons. Yeah, they're very loyal. They're like horses' companions. Yeah, yeah. They're probably smarter than horses, I think. Yeah, horses are actually pretty dumb. They're very intelligent animals.

Okay. Yeah, they mourn. If a donkey dies, they do like a thing. They do that African thing with the coffin. Yeah, they post on Instagram on a lot of Jack's friends. Donkeys. Donkeys, dolphins, elephants, you know, animals treat their friends better than a lot of Jack's. But neither here nor there.

But yeah, donkeys are very smart. So are crows. Crows, very smart. Very smart. They can be trained to get cigarette butts in exchange for food. I've heard about that. Yeah, people have been doing this in cities to clean the cities up. They get cigarette butts and they trade them in.

Yeah, they smoke the end of them. Like a scumbag friend of ours. Crows are Armenians, I guess. Well, they do love shiny things, so that's kind of true. They steal jewelry all the time because they love shiny stuff and they decorate their nests with shiny stuff yeah yeah so they are they're like yeah they're like persians crows what do we like like tomorrow we wake up crows all of like bbls you just see ida sitting on the edge of the bed standing. Ha! Chanel!

Chanel! Gucci! Gucci! Yeah, Ida eating tender greens and throwing it back up. And then eating it again. Yeah, pigs are very smart. Pigs are very smart. Yeah, pigs are very smart pigs are very smart yeah pigs are very smart yeah yeah it's it's weird yeah like a lot of the animals that we have chalked up to being like idiots like in our public consciousness they're like actually like yeah some of the most intelligent owls i don't think

are very smart no owls aren't owls are very dumb. No, owls aren't. Owls are very dumb. I mean, I hate owls. What creeps. Yeah, they just sit in there. Anything that moves its head in a 360 direction is like completely disgusting to me. It only goes out at night, you know? Yeah, I know. It's like that cookie you know with the car. Yeah, the owl just fucking put down a down payment on an Acura.

Owls are all in debt. Owls wearing a diploma. Yeah, owls like, oh, look at me. Or what is the thing? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the hat. The hat. Owls graduation cap. Yeah, they graduated magna cum lord or whatever.

What is it called? Magna cum laude. Cum laude. I loved making cum jokes on my friend's graduation day in high school when they all got cum laude. Yeah, I was cumladi. Yeah, dude, because you're a cum lord. You're like,

anyway, I'll be at community college working at Del Taco. You're a loser. What are you, a cum lord? What's your starting salary? $80,000? Loser. At least I didn't graduate.

Come, Lord. Anyway. Gay boy. I'm due back on my shift. I got 80 hours this week. Enjoy your job at Apple with the benefits and all the stock options. I got, you know, AM, PM. They treat me pretty well, I'll tell you.

I get to keep all the cigarettes I steal. You know, sometimes if everyone hasn't eaten the donuts, I can take the donuts home. Come, Lord. Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck everybody! Scorched earth!

Yeah, you go full Mystic River. Mystic River, Devin. Is that my daughter in here? Is that my daughter in here? Truly the greatest acting performance of all time. Incredible. It is amazing that Sean Penn is a great actor, but every big scene is him just kind of scratching his face up and sounding slightly retarded. Yeah, he's doing

I am Sam in the movie. It's just I am Sam, but he can say words. He's walking up to Clarice. Do you think it'd be good if I maybe fell into a cake during this scene? You know that scene's in I am Sam. There's literally a scene in I am Sam where he's running and he plays a retarded man

and he has a cake and then he just falls face first into the cake. We're looking that up. Because I remember a big scene in I am Sam where he's trying to make a frappuccino for a lady and and the lady behind the counter is like no i said caramel you fucking retard and you're like could this have ever how did this happen why did the crash guy write this most obvious terrible dialogue of all time. I am Sam Starbucks scene. Here we go.

Yeah, play that one, and then we'll do the cake one. He's, like, offensively mentally challenged in this movie. Like, it's, like, hard to watch. He's sorting the sugars. He's sorting the sugars because I guess that's his skill, is, like, he's good at organization. That's what Hollywood thought. They're, like, all retarded people.

They have some skills. Yeah. Autistic people do, but they thought severely mentally challenged people also did. He has an IQ of 30 in this movie. But apparently he loves the nut. He knows how to put the nutmeg and the chocolate near each other. Perfectly balanced. All right, show his fucked up weird little face.

Enough of sorting all this Starbucks bullshit. Show him he's working at Starbucks. He's the guy that kicks out black people. Starts the whole nationwide fiasco. Just Howard Schultz there like, you should... You're homeless. You're't... You don't... You're homeless!

You're using our Wi-Fi! You can't use our Wi-Fi! Two black guys in a suit. Two black guys in suits, like, going to work. Excuse me, sir. Get out of here! You use the system! I run the bank.

You're welfare baby! Just Yo, welfare baby! Just a couple welfare babies! Go! They're like, I'm Rich Paul. They're like, we gotta send I am Sammy. They won't be offended because

he's retarded. It's a foolproof scam. That's what Starbucks is like. We could kick black people out of our stores if we send in I Am Sam. And Howard Schultz is like, and get this, they're too dumb to unionize. It's two birds,

one stone, guys. You just go to Starbucks and there's just shit in your coffee and bits of paper. He's like, would you like cream? He starts jacking off in your coffee. Oatmeal coming right up. I think we just wrote the greatest

bad TV sketch of all time. We need a time machine and Will Sasso's phone number. No hate on Will Sasso. He's great. Will Sasso's phone number. No hate on Will Sasso. He's great. Will Sasso's amazing. He is legitimately so funny. Nobody can get offended by what I've done here.

My friend's dead. He's like a drool face. Yeah. Okay. Good morning. Somebody screams at him though, I think. So, yeah, you know, to play an

authentic mentally challenged man, we got a guy with a six-pack. Right, yeah. People keep coming up to him at the Starbucks. They're like, weren't you in like Mystic River?

They're like, you're retarded. You're retarded? Harvey Milk is retarded? They're like, dude, you were in like Dead Man Walking.

You're like, what an Oscar. Yeah, it was a great movie. What the hell's going on? Why are you drooling in my macchiato i thought you were the gay councilman in san francisco i thought you were being brave by making out with a man on screen let's just watch i am sam scenes can you please do the

cake scene real quick yeah it's very quick and it's a very funny payoff. You got to be watching the video for this one. What? The internet's out. Oh, I think it's the second one. Stairfall? Stairfall, yeah. I'm here!

I'm here! He falls down the stairs into a cake. Hold on. He starts making out with the kids. This is him, by the way, trying to win an Oscar. It's totally just... And instead, the Oscars are like, Sandra Bullock for Blindside. We don't care how much you flailed, Sean.

Sandra Bullock did a bad southern accent and helped a big black boy. Sorry, Sam. Or sorry, Sean Penn. But Sandra Bullock made us all have a fantasy of a hot, hot southern wife banging a young big black kid. Just getting railed out. Sorry, based on a true story, retard. Sorry about that. I literally watched an interview with him where he's like,

and you have to understand, to prepare for that role, I spent six months living in a mental illness home with these people, and I feel like I accurately portrayed them, and then he's falling into cakes and, you know, drooling into coffee at Starbucks. Fuck. There was a scene where somebody's like screaming at him at Starbucks. I know what scene you're talking about. I remember that. They probably just didn't

put it on. It made everybody too sad. Maybe it's this Starbucks? No that's the same one. The happy music is playing. I don't need the happy music. Oh the customer is always right. Oreo ice cream mud pie. Dakota Fanning's in it. Yeah, this is so great.

You see Denzel from Man on Fire coming. He just kidnaps the kid. He's like, give her back. He kidnapped her. He grabs Sean Penn's head. He's just bashing it into the table. He cuts Sean Penn's finger off and puts a cigarette lighter on it. Shout out to Zoe.

They tried to kill my wife. They tried to kill my wife. That Shed Hanks clip is maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. Let's watch that. Yeah, put that on the screen. Shed Hanks on Z-Way. I love how Z-Way thought she was getting him, and he looked awesome.

I looked amazing. Chet Hanks rules. He was fully the most hateable guy up until that point, and then became likable because of her. Dude, he's ripped. He's handsome. Yeah. He's doubling down in a very charming way.

He's like, yeah, I just like dog in that way. Yeah, yeah. And then he's like, hey a very charming way he's like yeah i just like talking that way and then he's like hey mom does it i can't do it as good as it will let the master work yeah please can you put that up i don't think it's on the screen plans you know what i mean i like the joker you're like do i look like a guy with a plan i love him whole crew laughing i'm like a dog whole's having to pretend like got white people right and everyone's like we love this guy i got it batman you complete me my father was a drinker and a fiend. Yeah. R.I.P. Heath.

They tried to kill my wife! Chet Hanks is awesome. Yeah! Oh my god, he kicks ass. Keep playing it, keep playing it. He's killing. Denzel don't impersonate black man shout out John David Washington

do you ever feel like you're desecrating like black people when you dude this is like a Sacha Baron Cohen character and she's trying to like hey I'm supposed to be the one that ironically like shits on you. Yeah. And it's not working at all.

No. It's great. Because he's just not giving her the, but you've seen other celebs go on there and they're literally like, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm responsible for slavery.

I said, yes, queen in a funny or die sketch in 2003. And for that, I'll give you my house. I'll give it to Black Lives Matter right now. If you tell me to. She goes goes don't impersonate black men. Yeah. Why can't people impersonate everybody? It's very fun. If you can impersonate it's fun.

Also, she's he's impersonating just an actor being a good actor. He's not even impersonating Denzel Washington. He's impersonating Denzel's character in a movie. The whole point of movies is so we can have fun with them. Yeah, remember them. Remember characters. I also love that he's like holding court. He talks right through her.

Yeah, he doesn't even listen. He doesn't even acknowledge her. He just keeps going. I mean, he's like a dog that you can fuck, you know? People just love him. He's like a little Labrador. He really is so adorable. You feel like you're honoring them. No, I don'tador he really is so adorable oh you feel like it's

an honor you're honoring them no i don't feel like i'm doing anything i feel like i'm just doing an impression just being chester marlon hanks live in the flesh he kicks ass yeah i love i love doing what they do with him in atlanta too just the clips i saw yeah he was great in atlanta where he's speaking patois yeah he's speaking patois and then they're like where are you from he's like he's like i'm from tribeca on the low low sometimes you get the big sad man i think i i told you there's that guy on youtube uh jama or something he does he's the white guy who does perfect chinese in chinatown in new york and blows people away i've seen that he's done it with other languages and i watch one where he's he's speaking patois in jamaica queens but patois

is literally just like you go be like i got the big sag because i don't got the fish on me plate man you basically are speaking english but like a weird version of it yeah and people like oh that's very good patois let's watch that what's his name what's his name uh x i a o m a i believe and if maybe if you type in patois or jamaican new york city yeah new york city it sounds so fancy for what it is you know you're like it's patois yeah like hey man yeah just meet joe black talk white boy speaks j. Yeah, I think that should be it. Outside, there were like,

like baby clothes almost. Like, just t-shirt. Just t-shirt. Jamaican t-shirt. me never yet go out, but me don't like to buy some Jamaican tings,

man. It just sounds like he's like mocking them. he literally, he's like Jamaican tings. He just say tings. Oh, man.

But he's always spot on, though. Yeah. This guy's amazing.ican Tings. He just said Tings. But he's always spot on though. This guy's amazing. Jamaica, Queens, which is actually a real place in New York. And it's called Jamaica, Queens because there's a lot of Jamaicans here. I've been there before. Super fun area of New York. It's literally just dudes riding motorcycles and four-wheelers around. And you're just eating the most crazy shit in the world.

Is the food great? The food's yeah it's i mean it will literally like you'll pass out like you'll black out because it's sugar bread and oxtail and you're just like oh my god i'm in fucking food yeah yeah they give you a stick with like a cow head on it i love new york next time i'm there i'm gonna go your mom sometimes it gets mischaracterized as like broken english or like bad English. Right, right, right. But the reality is it's actually a real language called Jamaican Creole or Jamaican Patois. It is based on English.

Yeah. So if you're, you know, an English speaker, you can probably. So there is technically no Jamaican. They don't speak like Jamaican. No. It was, I believe English or Americans, whatever Dutch settlers, like, cause they grew sugar cane out of there. So they were just like in slavery for forever. So their entire language was like wiped out,

but it became this like kind of weird, uh, English Creole hybrid, which is, which is patois. Like Jamaican, Jamaicans are not like from Jamaica. Everyone was brought there is what essentially what you're saying.

Like, I think that's like, yeah, I would assume so, yeah. Unless there was just a little island in the Caribbean that just had six, five black dudes just hanging out naturally. That accent is the weirdest thing to me.

Yeah, I just remember someone was telling me that. I think that is the history behind Jamaica. Literally, it's not... The people we know as Jamaicans aren't even indigenous. Yeah, they were brought there. Everyone was was brought there on ships and made to like harvest sugar cane did you guys know black people sold black people in slavery anyway

i do have people yeah that's that guy that's your high school civics class yeah he's like yeah well black people sold you ever been at the bar too long? You talk to that guy. You're like, mate, I guess. Sure. Probably. Well, I guess it's not an oppressive system at all then. You're like, yeah, I'm sure that happened, but what do we do with that info? Be like, hey, all right, enough of their ripes.

Do you know crack addicts sometimes sell crack? Oh, I guess it's good then. All right. But they're selling it to help people. Yeah, is your it's like oh so we we should do slavery yeah so like what is the yeah what's the point it's like yay so we could have had slaves because they sold them to us they agreed other blacks agreed so like why can't i why do i have to like wake up early and like you know water my plants. That's just a guy who has too much just Tucker Carlson brain.

Just zoomed in. Yeah. Tucker. What if I wish Tucker Carlson wrote, I wish they served beer in hell. I wish he was Tucker Max, too. Tucker Max Carlson. Tucker Max Carlson. He just segued.

I find it kind of interesting that I don't have a big, thick pod grinding on my ass right now while I have a cold beer. Last night at the club, I did have that, and I came in my sweatpants. Last night at Magic City. The Democratic Party doesn't want you to get a pumpkin. Oh, dude.

Come on. Stop talking to this guy. Go speak ting. Go speak ting. Yeah, he does always like his ads up top. Fucking dumbass making a living. $10 for this? $10 for the red one too? Yeah.

Okay, man. Yeah, that's right. You saw me talking to him. I've been talking to him for a long time. I've been picking up blocks and I know you want to try to talk like a friend. You can't go to Jamaica. You can't go to Jamaica. No, me never yet go a yacht. Me never yet go a yacht. Me never yet go a yacht. What do you mean try a yacht?

Me a bring you to Kingston. Me a bring you to... Ongo... Ongo... Ongo... Ongo to Jamaica. You go to Jamaica. I can't. Me not a tourist here. He's like, I beat my kids. I think you're gay if you eat pussy, man. I hate the gays, man. She goes, you Jamaican. He just starts singing Paul Wall songs. I got the right, dip it, George.

How'd you know I was Jamaican? Oh, I saw you beating your queer son, man. Shout out Mike Jones. Shout out Mike Jones 8004 That cool, that cool, cool man. Cool the man. Yeah. Bless up, bless up. You know where we can find some real Jamaican food for them? Jamaican food? Jamaican food, yeah, yeah. She's going to go get food for them.

Yeah, the slave's just taking them, yeah. We never yet know real Jamaican food, man. They could use a wind guard right here Why? Tell me something, man. They could use a wind guard right here. Yeah, I mean, I hear audio right. Jesus. Little part to a... Huh?

Oh, I teach you. Me learn in the internet. Oh. Yeah. In the internet. In the internet. With me friend here. Under the sea.

No, no, she... No, no, no. It's just like a cartoon They're all like falling for it They're like, you're obviously Jamaican, man Big ups You saying both, man London on the H on, man Britney Griner one time

Exploiting our culture, man Me gonna go farm some sugar cane, brah. Big time till the sun, big sun go down. Everybody's like, what are you talking about? He's just walking up to fucking shops on the street. He's like, Jamaican Bob's that day, man. Sir, this is Flint, Michigan. Tell me the water got the big evil in it, man.

Obama come through. He tried to pretend drink it. Yeah, me have to go. Me have to go. We try some real Jamaican food, man. Some jerk pork. Some jerk pork. Yeah.

Yeah, man. It's not called brown, we eat it with red Oh, them Jamaican patty Yes, that's right Oh, yeah Me don't like to buy a beef patty and a cocoa bread Yeah, I don't like to buy one beef patty They're all like, what the hell is going on? With the cocoa bread.

Yeah. If it's true, you know what I'm saying? I've never yet tried real Jamaican food. I've never yet tried real Jamaican food, bud. Beef patty and a cocoa bread. He's like, dude, you can drop it now. You're just talking into the camera. It tastes ton of, man. It tastes ton of. It's so good. Then we noticed a man dancing outside of the jamaican

probably crazy guy dancing we noticed he's doing some type of uh uh jamaican uh annual of a Jamaican annual soul Jamaican tribal dance it's just a shirtless crack at it we never yet go yeah but me no like to buy some Jamaican things and My wife's white baby. My father has shown a ball. We are going to talk again. I'm kind of like half convinced if you gave me two Xanax, I could pull this off. If I had no fear in the world, I could go do this too. I just go down there like, just give me the light. I did not do that. You got the right. I'm not Jamaican, man. Just give me the light. It's not dark. And then I go, I'm going to put your neck on mine.

Just give me the light. You walk in with the big wrapped, like dreads wrapped in the big diaper. The sway in the morning hat. He used to wear it. It was huge. Yeah, when he did MTV News. Yes.

And he said, I'm here, Kanye, and it literally goes. Yeah, it's just, he's going back. You look like you're like, like storing did MTV News. Yes. He interviewed Kanye and it literally goes. Yeah, it just keeps going back. You look like you're like storing your tentacles. He looks like the alien from Alien. He does.

He literally does. He's like asking Kanye, like, what do you feel about homophobia? And they're like, hip hop. Watch Sway. You ain't got the answer, Sway! About all them tings! You can't speak patois, Sway! Sway! You're doing good.

Very good. Thanks, thanks man, thanks man. Me like this one. Me like the bell. Me like the bell, yeah. You're doing very good. Oh, you know in Jamaica we have a lot of white people down here. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the bell. Me like the bell, yeah. It is very good. You know, in Jamaica, we have a lot of white people down here. You're a complexion. We have a lot of white people in Jamaica.

For true. For true. For true. Born and grown in Jamaica. Me no say a very Indian people in Jamaica, too. Be no say bear Indian people in Jamaica jamaica what the fuck is patois be no dare bear yeah it's kind of like yoda talk a little bit like you have to reverse every sentence half english half complete nonsense yeah yeah and there is one word every once in a while like i

know it's like one is like or something like that and that means like and or like i think that means one one yeah yeah yeah it's also funny in the he speaks great um chinese he does amazing at that let's listen to chinese um but he does it is funny when you he is saying the n word for the pauses yeah because he's speaking perfect chinese yep oh really and that's their that's their like uh yeah as they say like in oh okay oh but it's what it's ega yes so this guy's just like a linguist like he just knows like every language yeah he's really good at picking up languages but what he it's kind neat in the video. He'll always talk to somebody just like, what are these?

Are these some Japanese fruit? And they're like, you know, like really pissed off at him. Right. And then he'll just break into perfect Chinese and they'll be like, and he literally like, he knows Chinese so well.

He knows like these weird provinces. They're like dialects. They're like, yeah, you speak like Xiong. Like my kids can't even speak Xiong. There's one, he's in a barbershop and he like catches them talking shit speak like Xiong. Like, yeah, like I my kids can't even speak. There's one. He's in a barbershop and he like catches them talking shit. I think about him. Yeah in the barbershop because they're like what is white? What's this white boy doing here?

Like what are you doing? And he just responds in perfect Chinese. Like I'm just trying to get a haircut. Oh yeah. They actually turned to Aquafina like they're like,. They're like, how do you speak Chinese?

He's like, Comptown. He's like, . . . . . .

. . . . .... And then they know They're like Chinese Jews No no no no

Friend of the pod Ian Fidance Friend of the pod Certified friend of the potty in finance. Friend of the pod. Certified friend of the pod. Certified trap shit. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

It's a silly one. That's a silly one. This is Chinatown in New York, right? Yeah. It's plushy. Yeah. It's a silly one. That's a silly one. This is Chinatown in New York, right?

Yeah, it's slushy. A little bit of my life and what it's like to be... Which is completely taken over Little Italy, by the way. Little Italy doesn't exist anymore. Little Italy is like three shops, and there's an Armenian guy out front trying to get you to come into Domenico's or something. It's like going to Disneyland in the Italian... Everyone's doing Italian blackface in Little Italy.

It was terrible when I went there. It is one street. Yeah, and they're all like, this Feast of San Germaninto or whatever, which I think is literally something that didn't exist until 1970. The San Gennaro Festival. Yeah, San Gennaro Festival. I think mostly the real one goes on in Jersey, probably. But yeah, Little Italy was very,

it felt like I was in like thunder mountain for italians like it was just so lame you're gonna see like brer rabbit as an italian yeah and so yeah mostly you like walk out of little italy and you're like oh i mean chinatown these are real chinese people right oh it is aggressively aggressively chinese yeah yeah it's i literally what i used to have to work walk through that to get to work and there was a i've told you this there was a guy at a fish store you have these big frozen halibut and to break it up he would like just be banging it on the sidewalk where people are like spitting and everything and it's just like yeah jesus christ

no sanitary measures Wuhan Seahouse On the corner of Flushing Street And 57th Avenue Now that was a spot We should do a little full screen Alright get to it react. In my opinion, one of the coolest things about learning Chinese is just to be able to order at all the amazing Chinese restaurants here in

New York City or really wherever you live. He's like, I learned Chinese so I can tell them about the rat in my soup. Ha ha ha! Learn Chinese just to ask them to not put that bean sprout shit in it. I gotta hate beansprouts. I hate beansprouts. This one?

Ooh. This one. This guy's like sitting at the table with him telling him how to order. See, now he's playing dumb. Fish dumpling. This guy's like annoyed. Legal host thing. I got legal host thing. Ooh. guys like annoyed. They're all like what? Chinese people turn their head.

They react the same way when someone's just dying right in front of them. Yeah. You know. Man. That would be, you feel like you must have like a superpower if you can do this shit. It's funny how much better his interactions go than how mine would go in Chinatown. Of course. Because it kind of instantly unlocks like, oh, well, come in.

We'll give you like, take this shirt. Like, have it. There's respect that you know. Yes. And it's funny the amount of Chinese moms who are like, the go-to is always like, I can't even get my daughter to learn Mandarin. They're just always pissed at their kids. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, they're still pissed. Their kid has an A-plus

in every class, and they're like, nah, she's still failure. Well, you know, they go home and they're like, this guy speaks better Chinese than you do. And he looks like a big white retard. This fucking neurodivergent speaks better Chinese than you. Look at how jaded this woman still is.

Or she was. Now she's happy. She's like, we're taking over. He's sitting next to a Chinese couple now. She's like amazed. Yeah. She's like amazed. Chinese woman laugh. Oh, he's very cute. That's classic. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You see my video? How long has he been sitting here? He's just a while. There's like a lot of new customers. Oh, they move tables. Never mind. Also, I wonder, they're probably staring at him too

because he's just carrying a camera with him as well. Yeah, that's another reason. But I guess that's more common with the Chinese. Yeah, they think he's like Anders Breivik. They think he's about to shoot up their Chinese restaurant. Is that the guy who came out of the lake? Yeah, out of the ocean. The most badass shooter. The harpoon.

Dude, you gotta respect that, honestly. It was very, like, James Bond-y. Well, it's like Freddy vs. Jason or something. He just walks out of the water like Jason Voorhees. With a wetsuit on and a mass-murdering harpoon type thing.

Shooting people with harpoons. Oh, God. If only Steven Paddock was just doing harpoons. I know. That'd be a fun one. Imagine if Paddock... It was also funny because he dressed for the occasion, for the setting. So it's like if Paddock dressed up

like Frank Sinatra. He ate a pig pompadour. He ate a pig pompadour. He ate a big pompadour. He's like, He's like, Luck be a lady tonight. Mandalay Bay. Seven's just how

I like them, Johnny. Oh, fuck. Should we keep watching this fucking... Yeah, you can get... They're all pretty... Once you kind of watch the first, you kind of like get the idea. What else does he do? Let's do like one more. Because we've done good work here. You have the massage ones. He gets

a massage on the street in one, and the guy is just like banging his fucking shoulder. I tried China's most painful massage. Yeah. The most painful part of the day your calves calves yes there we go imagine the hand job they must have given him if you watch a ton of chinese martial arts movies like me it's one of the best chinese Boaster. They just pissed at him. This guy's just like a torture guy. Oh, yeah. Sub-exhibit area. Okay.

Yeah, that's kind of... That's bad, right? Watch this. What the hell was that? And as I go down, okay? Okay. That's going to hurt more now. Uh-huh.

This is going to hurt a lot. He's just sticking a little needle into him. Dosing him with fentanyl. He's in one of the rooms from Hostel. Wow. Oh, f***. What the f***? This is the revenge for all the wishy-washies over the years.

You know, like Kill Bill and stuff, where they do a five-point strike, and they know exactly the right spots, and they paralyze somebody. So this is real. This is real. Like, these are like, holy shit. This guy's talking to not Chinese. Not Chinese enough for me, bub. Yeah, I'm gonna give you an ancient Chinese massage.

Would you like me to, how do you say, finish you off? Would you like me to rub oil all over my body and rub up and down your genitals? What's the end result of these techniques? Ear prostate. Right, right, right. You're going to feel wonderful. You're going to feel all opened up, all energetic. Feel great.

I kind of do believe the Chinese do know what they're talking about, though. I totally do. Because they all live forever. Yeah, I believe that. Even smoking, they all live forever. I know i know yeah the amount they spit and stuff maybe we're supposed to be spitting like every like three minutes maybe that's like maybe our spits toxic that's the cure for cancer yeah crouching and spitting is the cure for cancer walking with your hands behind your back well yeah taking a brisk walk with your hands behind your back. Yeah, it turns out hitting your son is good for longevity. Oh, fuck.

How long have we done on that guy? We've done an hour and ten. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I think we've done good work here. Move over to the Patreon? We did the Patreon yesterday, actually. Oh, all right. We can keep going with you if you want.

We could rack one up because we will not. Yeah. actually. We can keep going if you want. We could rack one up because we will not... There will be one more week off next week because we have to go to the funeral. We won't be back in time. I imagine that will bring up more sadness

that we just don't want to trudge through for one week at least. Join the Patreon. We will be doing a lot of stuff on there. Yeah, you're still releasing a Patreon app. We're still releasing Patreon apps. So yeah, just join the Patreon for now, but we'll be back in the full grand swing of things. Joey's in

Minneapolis right now. He just flew there just to get away from the city. He's at the Derek Chauvin statue. He went to the he's building one. He gotvin statue he went to the he's building yeah he got very confused about Jack's death Joey's just a midi apple it's going eight minutes 47 seconds it's disgusting you think Jack's kneeled on his own yeah he thinks he's I've been telling people like when they ask because I'm because I'm just like,

I'm like, he was shot. I'm like, my black friend was shot. The cops were there. Yeah, I go, you know how sick this country is. What do you think? You don't need to ask any more details, okay? Black friend shot. You get it.

You get it. You get it. You read the news. I mean, also, to be fair fair he was very upset about ukraine anyway god bless everybody i love you uh thanks for being with us through this thanks for all the kind messages um and we this isn't we're not ending the show and i saw people say what are they done now? I don't know. If you follow me on Instagram, it's been pretty obvious what's going on. We will be back.

Join the Patreon. This ain't going anywhere. Thank you. Love you. Goodbye. Thanks. Love you, Jack. Bye.