Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Skankfest: The Musical

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Devan rails against Big Pharma, we watch Biden take another tumble and then we do a hate watch of some guy who does musical comedy that really wants to be on SNL and what it would be like if he did Skankfest Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

Are you alright, Johnny? Yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing? I just like to start every podcast by asking if you're okay. That's what I'm fucking doing. Yeah, you're a mess, you know? No, I'm not. I'm doing great. Drinking fucking mocha in a bottle. This is so fucking good.

Everyone here has taken a sip of this. It's really tasty. I won't. You will or won't? He's just one of these guys that needs everyone to take some of what he has. He's like, dude, just have some. Come on. It's a very deep chocolate flavor. Yeah, it tastes like chocolate. I don't know if you've ever had that before.

No, no, no. It's like a deep... You know what I mean? Right. It tastes like chocolate. There's chocolate to the chocolate. I know why you like it, because it tastes like chocolate.

It's delicious. Yeah, you're also vaping like berry juice. No, no. This is straight menthol. Flavorless. They hate my vape. They fucking hate my vape. Everybody does. Yeah. That's how I keep vape. They fucking hate my vape. Everybody does.

Yeah. That's how I keep you guys from hitting it, to be honest. You ask us to hit it all the time, just like all other stuff. No, they ask to hit my vape in case of emergency. No one has ever asked to hit your vape. They do it like it's a last kind of result. Devin, have you ever asked to hit John's vape? Maybe once, like drunk or something.

It tastes like utter shit. It's disgusting. That's how I like it. You'd be better off with cigarettes Maybe once, like drunk or something. It's shit. It's disgusting. That's how I like it. You'd be better off with cigarettes. No, because I smell bad. I don't get the whole smelling bad on cigarettes. I love the smell of a cigarette. I don't like when at any one time people quit, like, I realize how bad I smell. I don't know. I kind of thought it was kicked ass.

I thought it was I thought you were hot as hell when you'd come in. I wanted to fuck you right now. You're just trying to get John fuckable. I know. John, you should just rub all this baby oil over your big ass. Big wet ass.

Your big wet ass and smoke a cigarette. Shake those cakes around. I'm smoking a Newport and rubbing baby. You're like spilling it like a rap video. Yeah, Devon's like, we got a funny new sketch where you're going to rub baby on your big ass. It's just that excuse.

Fuck John. The premise of the sketch is me fucking Devin. And I go, take me. That was the funniest shit when we were like 19. He's Roman Polanski. He's getting you in the hot tub.

I had some people because you know we've all known that I've been battling testicular cancer for a few months now and so I recently I just decided

to like go get a physical just to have them I haven't even really felt it that much recently the weird aching in my balls I didn't know your balls

were aching they ached a few months ago out of nowhere I didn't really know what was going on I was kind of getting worried in my head if you actually had to stick to your cancer.

Maybe. Who knows? The x-rays haven't come back yet. I haven't taken my blood test yet. You'd be like the reverse Lance Armstrong. Yeah. If you get much worse. And they'd be like, you gotta fight, Devin. You're like, no. No fight in me. Live weak. Live weak.

Yeah, you just do videos where you're like life is hell shit person ever to like people want him to like overcome it you know the power just like just kill yourself everyone with cancer you just put a bullet

in their brain every day is a hell just be cutting bracelets off of people there is no hope god is dead but when i was telling the nurse about it i was telling the nurse about it she like kind of rolled her eyes she acted like i was there she acted like i was there to get my balls touched like it was a long con right that i'm like lying about a feeling just so some old armenian lady could like fondle my dick i love that your con is not like i you know i could get a hooker for 80 or i could pay 400 to go get a check to go get a check up and wait in a room with sick dying people fortunately

now i have the free like uh i have the california poor people uh i'm not poor enough for that It's great you go see your doctor in the back of a Yoshinoya They fondle your balls But yeah it was weird and then they had to bring Another lady in I don't know if this is new When the doctor checked my nuts She had to go bring in another woman to watch I don't know I guess maybe there was like

A casting couch situation with like doctors and nut checks she was like she needs to be here legally and I'm like alright I pull my pants down in front of two women hot wait was the chick that touched your nuts my doctor was like an old Armenian lady like middle aged Armenian lady

that's why I think if it's a dude it's all good she brought in a young like a young lady from out front she brought in a young lady from up front. She brought in a goddamn streetwalker. Now, we do this just to embarrass you and your weird nuts. And she was pissed. The other one was pissed. She had to be there.

Somehow, I'm still probably going to get a call. We forced two women into a room at the medical office. How are your nuts hanging, though? She said they're slightly swollen, but that she could feel nothing. And I'm like, swollen? Slightly swollen. So they're huge? You got big tissue nuts? No, they're, like, slightly swollen, but that she could feel nothing. And I'm like, swollen? Slightly swollen. So they're huge? You got big tissue nuts. No, they're not even big.

Did she palm both of them? She palmed them. Like those little magic balls that David Bowie did in Labyrinth. She made me cough. Fasten them around. Yeah, like the Chinese, like, stress balls. He's, like, doing the thing. No, the glass balls.

They're like, yeah, you do, like, that with it. You know what I mean. She fucked him up. She got him all twisted. She like pressed against my pelvis. And then she was like, sorry, just cough. And I'm like, I'm like, and she kept fucking retard. She kept pressing.

God damn. It's all right. There's nothing. We just shut up. How dare you get fucking upset? Fuck you, John. Now pull your ass out. Lick it up.

She said they were swollen? She said they were mildly swollen and that there's... She prescribed me ibuprofen. You're nuts. I didn't care about the swelling. You have to shove one up your dick? Just a little Advil?

I have to feed it into my dick. Like a suppository yeah yeah just dissolve it in a hot dog shove it in the hole no i don't know what the swelling means i think all of our balls are probably swollen yeah my balls always have the little weird uh balls on them do you have that under the skin yeah yeah yeah but that's just like ingrown hairs apparently. I always thought I had cancer, but I mean, they've stayed the same size. Maybe I have a bunch of little cancer in my nuts. I think it's like, you ever see ostrich skin

boots the Mexicans wear? Oh, yeah. That's like the texture of nuts. My dad had a pair. I had to take them off all the time. Your dad made you take his boots off? No, that's like... No, no, no. My dad molested me.

My dad raped me. Your dad would make you take off his boots all sultry? He puts his legs there. Get down there now, Chase! Get in there, good boy! My dad's like a Tennessee Williams character. Chase, come down to the ballroom.

No, when you... Cowboy boots are really hard to get off. Yeah, my dad's like a Tennessee Williams character. Chase, come down to the ballroom. No, when you, cowboy boots are really hard to get off. So like when I was a kid, that was like a thing. I was like, oh, I'm going to go help my dad. And I'd pull his boots off. Pull off big daddy boots. He'd be like, you're doing it wrong. Oh, really?

You get mad at him? No, no, no. Oh, that's fucked up. No, no, no. What if we were all like, dude, same. Yeah, that's very sexy. But he had ostrich skin boots. Yeah. And now that's what my balls look like. Yeah. That's what nuts look like. Yeah. Well, I think

I've self-diagnosed it. I've self-diagnosed everything that I've gone to the doctor for. I'm pretty sure I got a thing called varicelli. What is that? Sounds like a pasta. Sounds like fucking pho. I don't know. I just saw a big vein in my balls shortly after the feeling happened. And I was like, I've never seen that vein before.

And I looked it all up, and it said, like, it's just, like, a lack of, like, circulation for a little bit. It's not, like... Did you maybe, like, sit on them? Life-threatening? I think it was a... You fell asleep on them? I think it was from working, like, straining my body.

Because I just, I never did anything. And then out of nowhere, Richie and I just started doing, like, manual labor. And then I started working out, and I'm like, oh, my goddamn balls hurt! Devin's always lifting with his balls. I never did anything. And then out of nowhere, Richie and I just started doing like manual labor. And then I started working out and I'm like, oh my God, damn balls hurt. Devin's always lifting with his balls. I tell him that. Yeah. I know that lower back stuff can affect your nuts. Yeah.

Like I had a lower back injury one time. My nuts hurt. It's one of those. I almost don't even want to go in for the blood test and stuff. Do the blood test. I haven't got a blood test in like a decade. You should just to figure, I took a blood test. I figured I had really high blood sugar.

So that's So that was probably why I started eating all those plants. Right. Yeah. Does that bring it down? I'm going to do it. They're normal levels now.

I mean, my balls are huge, but my blood's great. You don't want to wind up like, what's his name? Warren Zevon? Uh-huh. The artist? Sure.

He just never went to the doctor his whole life and he just had cancer. Yeah, just died of cancer. Yeah, but he's a genius. But I also think going to the doctor gives you the problem. Yeah, that's true. Because I never heard of people just dropping dead of cancer until they got told they had it.

You'd be walking around with a big lump on the side of your face. Think about this. I think I've seen, come on. Have you ever heard of a guy that just died of cancer but had no clue he had cancer? Come on. They always get told by an evil doctor. Big Pharma! Come on!

Big Pharma! We're talking, come on! Bureaucracies! And the Big Pharma. This is you on Rogan sputtering for a minute. And then you got Big Pharma.

I mean, they're just so big it's goddamn big and it's pharma it's short for pharmaceutical so it's big pharmaceutical which i've been told means drugs dude i'm kind of not kidding though i'm totally kidding i'm not like i don't know how deep i just feel like in the old days people just died maybe they had cancer i guess but like now it feels like you go get told you're fine you hear stories about somebody that's fine they get told they have cancer they drop dead in two months right like and i don't think cancer was started it the doctors started these i do think they definitely push pills for sure. I think you maybe could not have something that severe and then they put you

on a huge regiment of shit and then all these other things start failing. Doctor tried to put me on like heart medication when I went in and I was like, well, maybe I could try to eat veggies for a month or just go on heart medication for the rest of my life. Yeah, like 31. And the doctor was fat, which pissed me off. They're all fat. There's something I've heard and it's some of the best. yeah just go on heart medication for the rest of my life yeah yeah like 31 yeah you know even the

doctor was fat which pissed me off they're all fat there's something i've heard into some of the best it's somebody told me one time is doctors aren't nutritionists yes like you can fix a lot of stuff by just like eating totally yeah they don't care they want you doctors want you to be because they get like paid their fucking lunches get paid every day by like fucking oxycontin even this lady giving me ibuprofen for my balls that I was like, I don't even know they're swollen. I mean, it's free, I think, because I have the Yoshinoya insurance. The Obamacare.

Yeah, but that's just like a weird, I was just like, yeah, I didn't tell you they are like hurting, hurting to the point where I need ibuprofen. You got big juicy knots. Anyway, but yeah, I mean, it's like, come on. There's plenty of people that didn't need to die they were told by a doctor they have to I think they went to the doctor

when they were like coughing blood yeah you're thinking of like bright dead redemption or something yeah like consumption or something I'm saying

like you knew something was eventually something you know something's wrong and you're like I gotta go to the doctor like my fucking my eyes my eyes falling out

somebody's a big supporter of Big Pharma okay fine whatever yeah Josh just wearing whatever you want John and you're like, I gotta go. My fucking eyes falling out. Support her at Big Pharma. Okay, fine. Whatever you want, John. Whatever you want. I'm over here with a bunch of scrapes in my back. Goddamn fucking Sackler family over here.

I'm trying to fight the power. John's wearing Pharma merch right now. Big Pfizer windbreaker. Have you ever watched the commercials for Oxycontin in the 90s before they knew it was bad? It was like they would show it at like drug conferences and it'd be like an old man being like, you know,

ever since I fell on my back in the war, doctors got me on 10 Oxy's a day. I feel great. And then it like cuts and it's like this man overdosed in like 2005. Yeah, like homeless. Yeah. You remember the Zoloft commercials, little bubble that was all sad and then the rain they take zoloft and be happy and then they'll be like you're going to get like bloody diarrhea and you'll

fucking kill yourself yeah that was great your life will leave you because you can't fuck anymore but you know you'll be you will have an antidepressant. Yeah, my parents when I was like 13 really. Yeah, I was wild. You don't have a chance to know what happiness is. All the pills. I was like, what are they doing? I'm just a kid. They wonder what they was all big pharma.

You're defending them. The doctor told they bought it. Wow. Did you have a problem before you went to the doctor? No. Okay. Sounds like a dipshit. you went to the doctor? No. Well, okay. Oh, sounds like a dipshit Devin's kind of coming through. Hit him. Hit him in the face. You know, you can be so stupid, you solve things.

And that's my goal in life is to be such an idiot. I see through it all because I can't think. Yeah, you've embraced a minimalist lifestyle through not being able to grasp big concepts. Exactly, James. Exactly. I'm just Exactly, James. Exactly. I'm just saying, man. Didn't hear about cancer back in the day. People just dropped dead.

They didn't have like a year where they were just like every day was a hell and everyone's visiting them and they're going to die. Yeah, they just died. They just died. Like people. They died like people. Yeah, they didn't die shriveled and on all sorts of bullshit that doctors are trying

out on them and whatnot. And I'm not going to let them do anything to me because of my cancer. What's the thing they call before a hospice? It's like quality of life or something. It's like when you're just... What's that called? You guys know what I'm talking about? Like quality of life care? Yeah, that shit's crazy to me. Oh yeah, when they're just like, yeah, you're going to die, but we're just going to

give you a bunch of morphine. Yeah, like let's just like let's just keep you alive we're gonna have you be a punching bag for a jamaican we're gonna let an immigrant woman really take her frustrations out on you dude that's the crazy wailing out of You see that black dude beating up that old man? Yeah. That shit's wild. Absolutely brutal. Dude, that shit was crazy. That was nuts.

Let's play it. What's it called? Look at the black dude beats up old man. I think this could pull up a lot of different videos. A lot of knockout games. Reddit slash public freakout. Oh, yeah, this one was nuts.

Oh, yeah. You want to put that up on the... Put that up, Jamie. It's like an old woman. Oh, shit. Yeah, she looks like a purse dog. Oh, my God. Just leave her alone. She's like, shit. Yeah, she looks like a purse dog. Oh, my God. Just leave her alone.

She's like 50 pounds. Yeah, just don't. She doesn't have to. Stop fucking with her. She doesn't have to take her pills. Oh, of course. Yeah, pull her hair. Jesus Christ.

She's so old, she looks fake. Oh, and her pussy's out. What a stupid bitch. Oh, my God. We all turn on her. Beat the shit out of her. Oh, man. Fuck this bitch. Jesus.

She's like bending her head over like a counter. What is she trying to get her to do? Whoa. Jesus Christ. Now you got this. She's got to ground and pound. Also, who the... Hammer punch her. Hammer fist. now you got this she's got the ground and pound also another fucking nurse that's like yo yeah they were trying to do a tiktok dance

here go to a different one, dude. Oh my god! What are you doing? What are you doing? She's just kicking her ass now. Oh shit, she's going to tap soon. She's going to get her on an armbar, dude. Herbdean comes in. One of those huge, fat UFC refs.

I love how every UFC ref looks like a truck driver. He just walked in. Well, that's what we do here. We like to make light of really dark, serious, dark situations. That was brutal. Yeah, that looked like a Conan O'Brien skit back in the day. The Conan O'Brien was the old woman. Yeah, it would just be like a doll with an old woman wig.

You just throw her around. Oh, man. That was insane. That happens so much more than we think. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those people should be killed. That's the worst thing you could do. It happens in centers for people with special needs.

It just happens all the time. Because it's like, well, who's going to tell? Right, right. Well, some of those are big dudes. You know what I mean? Well, yeah. And they only respond to the fist. Big Pharma John again.

Big Pharma John. A big fucking goofy. Big capitalist pig. They got bowl cuts. Yeah, John's wearing a big top hat, smoking a cigar. This here retard only responds to the fist. I can see you doing that in the 60s Being one of those guys in the white suit

Like lobotomy Yeah, just being Lobotomy Being the shit out of Jack Nicholson Yeah Trying to play cards John would totally be the guy that would like He's like to take glee

And strapping up Jack Nicholson To a bed Just fucking up Chief He's like, you had a lot of You know, you were You think you're real tough Yeah, you think you're real tough You think you're real inspirational

I'm just like that dude I'm real vindictive you think everyone around here you really inspired everyone around here that's me dude you think it's cool to give these

mentally ill people the best three months of their life take them out on a boat take them out on a boat I'm gonna sap your brain like a fly John would have

the big clippers too like like hitting him. Did he end up retarded at the end of the movie? Yeah, they lobotomized him. And then Chief suffocates him. Yeah, suffocate him. I totally forgot the end of that movie.

Yeah, he suffocated him and jacked him off. They have those people in Japan that jerk off retards. Really? Yeah, it's called like the White Hand Society. The White Hand Society? Not because they're covered in cum. It's like, so if you're like too fucked up

and you can't cum on your own, you can't jerk yourself off. No, I understand. They have people to come in and jerk you. Like a guy, like the wolf in Pulp Fiction comes in, sets a briefcase down, and you got a retard in the chair. Minus a dick in the trunk.

I mean, they need to be milked. I need the room for 15 minutes. All right, clock's ticking. Let's go. Am I stalking? Do you have a pot in a wet towel? So is it the type of thing where they don't even have to be hot or sexual? I think it's like we're going to make a...

Because the Down syndrome person doesn't even know what's hot. Oh, they know, buddy. They fucking know. Well, I did see there was a guy who wrote a blog post maybe five years ago about how he has a mentally disabled son, and he wrote a blog post about how him jerking off his mentally disabled son actually brought them closer together. I don't know about that, bud.

I don't know about that one. Just everybody on Twitter just 360 dunked on him for four days. Imagine posting that online. Yeah. But like a really sweet, like when I see the look in his eyes and I can hear him moaning for. Hey, I'm for it. But.

Just hire a hooker. That's the thing is hire a hooker. Hire a hooker, buddy. Hire a hooker. Just once a month. Or get like one of those like reach your claw. And take away the father-son time. Right.

The kid can't fucking play Frisbee. You got to jack them up. It's like playing catch with your dad. Get him one of those leather sleeves. They make horses. Fuck. Yeah, that could be. Or maybe one of those things where old people can't reach the top shelf.

So they have the grabber. Yeah. Yeah. Just a clue. Watching the prices. Right. Yeah. Got a jerk off Steven real quick.

You turn up the... I can't hear the score. Can you turn up the game? Just lazily... I mean, I don't know. That's like a great... And the kid with these hands. Yeah, roll time.

There's a gray area there, you know? For sure. Because he's got down... I think he should get... No, it wasn't even Down Syndrome. Oh. Because Down Syndrome, they can just jerk off. He just has a severe ADD.

This guy has a severe ADD. He was just studying for a test. My son has attention deficit disorder. That all makes him so horny. He's got SATs tomorrow. Check him off. My son has seasonal affective disorder. He's got allergies.

No, he was one of those hand guys where they have the little bird hands. And like the neck that's too long and kind of like warps to the side. And so I was a giraffe. Like bird fetus guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

He should come. I think it's good that he makes him come. Can you imagine how swollen his balls get? It's a nice feeling, yes. But you'll come naturally. It feels nice, and the guy doesn't know what's going on. What daddy jack you? I mean, my dad did it to me, and I wasn't retarded. And it felt great.

It felt great. And we kissed, and we got closer. And then we'd watch Platoon. Just the guys hanging out. Guys night. Boys being boys. What do people think when we say guys night? Do they not think our dads aren't jacking us off?

Right. Exactly. For Christ's sake. Come here, son. Yeah, we all did the sleepovers where you put the porno in, you know, start jacking each other off. Everyone jacked up. Your friend's dad comes downstairs and jacks everyone off.

Are you guys jacking off? Yeah. Let me handle this. All right. Make some room. He gets under the covers. I brought s'mores and gel. He's like,

I finally figured out how to unscramble Cinemax. The dad says that. The dad doesn't know how to order porn. He goes, I don't even, your mother's a real whore

the dad comes in hey we got a free trial at HBO your mom doesn't know about it we're all gonna watch we're all gonna watch oh man that brings me back fucking cat house cat house was one of those things where all my friends

we all wanted to get into it it was like trying to be too much like a real documentary i know so you most of the time you're like jacking off and then like this big fat guy comes on screen and just explains like keeping up the lawn and you're like god damn it yeah the president of the ufc like just walks into the room dana whatever dana y walks in he's like she's thing is the whores they got pussies you gotta get the dicks into pussies and that generates revenue. Well, I just remember I'd watch like no, like I knew nothing about sex and I'm just watching

like truckers and meth addicts just like just fuck these like women in the desert. Apparently that's like technically the only radius that's like England. I love how they have a helicopter pad. They're like, we got a helicopter pad because these guys really need to get sucked.

We have a helicopter pad in case Lamar Odom needs to go get rushed to the hospital. We had Steven Paddock in here last week. He needed to get sucked off. The crazy thing about those fucking places. Sucked him off so good his ass permanently closed. You know he will get sucked off holding the shot he's got all

the duffel bags with him i still love that's the only shot of the best picture ever it's fucking my name is earl killed 56 people yep yeah no it's so prostitution it's legal in vague it's illegal in Vegas, but outside Vegas city limits, it's legal, right? Apparently it's like legal where they have that ranch. Right. Yes. Yeah. So you can like pick up a hooker, but you got to drive her into the desert and get sucked

off. Which no one's doing. Everyone's fucking hookers in Vegas. Yeah, of course. Yeah. But I guess. Those places are such a like, it's such a thing of like the early two. It's like the Playboy Mansion.

Like they're just like covered in cobwebs now. I'm sure like that helicopter pad is like not like osha compliant anymore it's like falling apart yeah yeah oh the playboy mansion like the grotto is just full of shit and like old newspapers yeah what do you think it's empty what does the grotto look like is hugh hefner still alive there's a comedy show going on in the backyard of the grotto right now. That was a cool pool. Bunch of retards with string lights up. You had a woman with giant bolt-ons.

Yeah. There's no one here to abuse me anymore. Hugh? Someone's supposed to have a businessman put cigarettes out on me. All right. We got to do it. We got to watch Biden fall. All right. All right.

I was waiting for this. I wish he cracked his head open like a fucking coconut. That would have been great if he. Yeah, it would have been great if he fell in his head, just like an old watermelon. Just exploded. Just like came up. He didn't even hit anything. Can you imagine if we had footage of the president killing himself accidentally?

Falling off a fucking bike. How do you have any faith in America anymore? I mean, it's fully over. If his head just explodes. It just lazily spills. That's it. The time his head unfolds and then his brain just kind of sloshes out. It just bounces down like a basketball.

It just slides across the face. People are like, the smell. Jill Biden's just trying to push it back in. Like Jackie O. Got her big fat ass in the camera. All right, well, here we go. All right, yeah, let's watch this idiot. Huh?

What a retard. Yeah, well, I watched it. He never got his foot out of the little stirrup yeah is the problem yeah but then he just well it's like the thing you like it's like clip bombs he's not he's not in the fucking why is a man that is too old to finish a sentence on a fucking bicycle right of course okay like what weekend of bernie's are trying to make him look like he can fucking do shit yeah it's like when they had exactly yeah in muppets take manhattan when they all ride the bicycles and nobody knows how they did it to this day so they use the same tech on biden

that's the mystery you slow it down you can see the wires above them just dragging them across the land george soros is floating. In a fucking blimp. Yeah, big blimp. Just puppet master strings. Big nose. Yeah. Now I'm going to make him say, come on, man. Oh, fuck. Didn't you say the bike was Russian?

It was an asset. The bike is a Russian asset. I tweeted it. Then I saw a few other people. Similar things. I was like oh fuck off where was this um where was this

Delaware Delaware yeah cause he's got a he's always pretending that he's you know all he does is hang out in Delaware and he'd eat ice cream and fucking you know

jack off his kid take showers whatever he's up to take showers with his daughter yeah the black and the black kids there's all the hair on my legs.

Hunter Biden rides by one of those like BMX bikes. With the sticks coming out the side. Hunter Biden flies up on some Heelys holding a prostitute. He's got the speaker playing

still Dre's coke off his hand. Busted beats that doesn't really work. Like blown out bass lines. I see like four of those guys a day. Oh, that's great. I woke up and watched that moment and I'm just like, we just live it's just like a simulation. It just feels like a simulation.

Yeah. He fell. He fell last week too. Don't old people usually die like a month after they take a fall like that? Yeah, I mean, he could have broken his hip. Could have fucked himself up. Yeah, or just like his dick and

balls just like falls out or something that that would be better. Yeah, if they had to make an announcement, they're trying to scrub the president's balls from Twitter. Balls fell off. What if that's what turned everyone against Biden? They're like, his dick's small.

That's a bipartisan. He's got a really long ball small dick combo. The opposite of old Hunter. Old Hunter Biden. Oh, he has a big dick? Yeah, he's got a big old hog on him. Does he really? Yeah, he's got a nice juicy hog on him.

Nice. Where'd you hear that? I just heard about it. You've seen the sex tape. We've all seen the foot job video. No, I've never seen it. I literally tried to find it just because I heard he had a big old Johnson on him, but apparently he stacked, I think, Skittles

on his dick in one of the pictures was what I saw. Damn, he's cool. He's pretty nice. He's like Taste the Rainbow baby. Jesus. Very good, John. Very good. It was a's cool. He's pretty nice. He's like Taste the Rainbow, baby. Jesus. Very good, John. Very good. It was a tribute to Trayvon Martin.

He comes Arizona, I see. Yeah, puts a little hood on the top. They make his dick like four shades lighter in a photo. What is Zimmerman up to? He's probably kicking ass. Kicking ass and taking names. Zimmerman's standing in a forest or like whatever somewhere and he's just like

I'm here to kick ass and drink beer. He's all out of beer. He's probably smoking cigars. Didn't he like beat the shit out of his wife shortly after he got rid of that? I know he started buying like a lot of guns and I think he might have got a gun charge maybe or something. I don't know. I heard he was on SNL.

It was a great episode. Him and that Jake Novak guy. You saw you saw that. Oh yeah, that video guy. I sent it to the group chat yesterday. The guy who was like the guy's auditioning for TikTok. Yeah, pull that shit up.

I'm clearly trying to segue into you. Thank you. I didn't know that. Jake Novak, Twitter. He landed the AR-15. Oh no, that's a different video. We should watch that. That's him on his political tip.

Let's do the SNL one first. SNL cast member. And here's why I should be a contender. Hi, Lorne Michaels. I'm Jake Novak. And I know that you're feeling the heat because your roster lost K. Kyle 80 MP. That means you got an open seat. And I feel allowed to be feeling it because when it comes to comedy songs, I kind of been killing it.

See weekly music videos. I'm a jam, bro. I'm a rapid rhyming hammy nerd like Lin-Manuel Miranda mixed with Sammy Berg. It's kind of my jam, bro. Like rapid rhyming hammy nerd like lin-manuel miranda mixed with sammy berg it's kind of my jam bro oh my god i want to fucking die i want to make this guy eat a fucking nine millimeter this guy would be fucking 9mm. This guy would be the funniest person on SNL in decades. You know what?

I honestly want him to get the job. It's not. It kind of fits. I know everyone's making fun of him. Everybody was dunking on him, but it's like, oh, he can't be on SNL. They got to do the singing lobster sketch. Yeah, like what is the difference?

I don't really quite understand. Like he's just corny Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson's corny too, but Pete Davidson is rapping and this guy does like dee-doo-doo-dee-doo. We have to finish it, but I don't know. I kind of think this guy is kind of groundbreaking. You know, I was thinking like the other day, like TikTok killed SNL essentially

because you're just flooded with sketch comedy. It was pretty shitty before. I know, but then I remembered that Orange Julius sketch with fucking, what's his face? From when? Oh my God, with Sylvester Stallone and shit. It was so funny. That's from like 1998.

That's so fucking good. It used to be so fucking funny. It used to be good. Yeah, people say SNL's bad, but have you seen Matt Foley? Motivational speaker? Hold on, I think we have to restart this. Chevy Chase wasn't bad. I feel like I missed out on his flow.

You disassociated. I couldn't believe what I was seeing at first. It's kind of his jam, bro. Actually, he writes for Logic. He wrote the Suicide song. It seems as good as Logic's lyrics, honestly i want to be the next snl cast member and here's why i should be a contender hi lord michaels i'm jake novak and i know that you're feeling the heat because your roster lost kate cow 80 mp that means you got an open seat

and i feel a lot to be filling it because when it comes to comedy songs i kind of been killing it see weekly music videos i'm a jam bruh i'm a rapid rhy' hammy nerd like Lin-Manuel Miranda mixed with Sammy Berg. But haven't you heard I'm more than a rapper, I'm an actor too. So here's a couple of nice guys getting their jackets. After you. After you. After you. After you.

After you. After you've seen that scene. I mean, I'm in, right? But I've been sitting on the ringer. In addition to the spittin', I'm a hell of a singer. I could be bouncing out on Broadway, but I'm runnin' for 30 bucks. So I can hand-deliver you the next dick in a box. Uh, not literally. Obviously, I just, I really want to give you the next big thing.

Ha! Oh, God. Dear Mr. Michaels, won't you give me a chance? My melodies will make the people laugh while they dance. I'll write, I'll perform, man, I'll sweep the stage. But whenever it is, I'm ready to do it in Studio 8H. What do you say? Did I dive or get you to bite? Maybe we could try it live on a Saturday night.

So check my feed. You'll agree where I should be in September. Right with Colin, Keenan, Chloe, and Bowen as an SNL cast member. Take a look at that face, folks. As an SNL cast member. That's the next big thing. We'd like to see Jake Novak be gay on the opening sketch. Jake, we're going to have you cold open.

We're going to have you shot on stage. The whole time I was watching that, I was just like, imagine just like a stray bullet piercing his skull. Yeah, you four roofs over like taken. Just like the jerk. Jake Novak sounds like a real asshole. Hey, Rhymes, what a piece of shit. Holy shit, that is stunningly awful.

Yeah, but it is. You see his rap about AR-15. It only gets worse. This one's actually really good. Hold on, everyone, shut up! I want to see what this retard has to say the grave says i've struggled to find the there's a part i've watched all his videos there's a part at i think 52 seconds it's gonna make you lose your mind if this is the same video i'm okay yeah all right i mean that last one was like a minute, and it felt like we watched Apocalypse Now.

The redux. Land of the free. Go full screen. I like seeing all of Jake. Home of kids in the grave. I've struggled to find the words. Keep the disposition sunny. Oh, this is kind of sick. It's kind of like atmosphere.

Funny, but laughing feels wrong. Hypocrisy's rife. I gotta say something. This is like common. Unless it's taken by a gunman. 19 more times. He's on his like talent quality shit here, you can tell. Then condemn them to slaughter. We teach our

daughters how to hide when they should be learning history. Then we're surprised when it repeats itself. It's no mystery, it's indifference. See them run when asked how to combat the madness. If you don't care about your rights, they only care about their status. And they have us where they can hold us. Packed in the Senate and SCOTUS and acting bogus, hocus pocus while we hopelessly focus

on the joke that is trying to feel safe in this country I love my home, but I don't know if we'll truly become free If we can't agree Uncle Sam's holding a bad gun The nation's fighting for its soul Are we sure it ever had one? Children dying in the dark What can you tell me why

I cannot try to change Why is that what I'm doing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha children dying in the school he's like chance he's incredible yeah that's the big day yeah holy shit who is this guy he's amazing isn't he yeah he's just got hamilton brain does he have more yeah let's keep watching jake know that i like they're they're all on tiktok okay fuck how do we find his twitter i think you can google jake novak tiktok maybe yeah i don't know it would probably just pull up like random stuff if you pull up like twitter video searches of his name it should should show just more. Oh, what was that?

That's like an influencer called Jake Novak who's way cooler and funnier. Fuck, I don't know. I can't find anything on Twitter about him. Let's type him in on... Do Jake Novak TikToks. Let's see if we can... Yeah, I think he has 280,000 followers on TikTok.

Here's what's crazy is that I don't... 2,000 on Instagram. I could see him being on SNL. Yeah, no, 100%. It's not that crazy. No. And I mean, what he does sucks, but he is good at doing it. He's good at the worst thing we all hate.

Yeah, there's jam, bro. Okay, here's a lot. Comic music videos are my jam, bro. All right, here we go. Here we go, folks. Here we go. We're on a TikTok. All right.

All right. He's a 10, but he's... Yeah, I don't know if they'll all be singing. Let's watch. This one has 671,000 views. It folds. I'd like to see you wiggle, wiggle. For sure.

It makes me want to dribble, dribble. You know. Riding in my Fiat. You really have to see it. Six feet two and a compact. No slack, but luckily the seats go back. I got a knack to relax in my mind. Sipping some red, red wine.

He did it, dude. What was that? I see that tongue out. For a second, I. The money don't give a fuck. It was funny. First, let's see that tongue out. For a second, I was like, he's kind of winning me over

and then he did the red one. For a little bit, I was like, this is like fucking, this feels like, you know, Anderson Paak. Can you imagine

you just dropping him in like a, like a LA, like rap battle? Imagine dropping him in a fucking panda bar body bag season all right let's go to this one hold on i love anxious guy's perspective okay all right here we go this one means cookie so on my mind why would you be on my mind? It's not like I'm in love

Alone? Whoa, no, hold the phone There's hardly a time when my mind isn't full of you Every rhyme I find bent like space time by the pull of you But our prime is passing by cause I'm too frightened to be fully true It's time to die and I love you, which I fully do I fully blew that Aw, crap, snap, my stomach just sunk

A flashback to a half-assed paragraph I texted when i was drunk see that's what happens i'm trapped by reactions that are all clunk and no spunk now as was attacking i'll pack my heart in a trunk and be a monk no i'm shrunk from this for the last time i'm fine it's real this love is too electric to be threatened about messing up street star seat don't take whichever sign will stop you stressing because you're not alone now we can finally stop the guessing what if i mean the kids got yeah he's got it he's got it yeah i mean it really i'm gonna sound like just a 50 year old bald comedian but it's

it's because he didn't get his ass kicked enough growing up it is yeah no when you take bullying out of schools this is what happens it is um this needs to end you're furrowed you look like you're in a staley kubrick movie right now john's doing like the Gomer Pyle stare you need to stop rapping Joker I'm loading up the M14 private no that why are you so gay this is my rifle

this is my gun who was the famous the black militant guy that said we need to kill all white people? That guy rocks. Was that him? No, I think it was another guy. Malcolm X? No, no, no. Jinx! Farrakhan's cool as hell.

You owe me some change. Change in my pocket! I don't know. I was trying to ask. I'm going to be on SNL in a couple years, dude. You don't even know what I have planned. What's up my sleeve? The songs that I have.

You do the same rapping, but you're just dropping hard slurs in it. Well, Michaels, you my boob. See, the hard R, that's kind of my jam, bro. The hard R. That's kind of my jam. The hard are. It's kind of my jam, bro. These same raps, but you're just denying vaccines.

Oh, shut up. Well, that's Jake Novak. He's not even been around that long. He doesn't even have that many. It's that classic tick tock thing where you just get 400,000 followers. But then you to his instagram he has like a 500 or whatever it's just like not real yeah yeah man that really sucked my ass he you were a massive embarrassment for a grown man it's crazy you're a grown man. How are people like this grown up?

They're all grown up. He's probably like 34 years old. This guy's all grown up. This guy pays the IRS. And he's in his living room like, I just got my jam, bro. The IRS is like, we don't want your money, son. We're arresting you, 1950s IRS guy.

Regardless of whether you pay, we're arresting you. I feel like he's got to have a day job, right? So that means he had to go back to work today, probably. Oh, there's probably a Slack group where everybody's making fun of him privately in the Slack group. Does he do stand-up, you think? Oh, come on. And he's definitely the guy at the office who does a lot of bit about coffee. He does bits about how it's hump day.

Yeah. And he's getting his steps in. Yeah. He's just like, well, at least I'm getting my steps. I'm going to walk to lunch. Oh,

here we go. Here we go. Hold on, guys. Hold on. Okay. That's good. If you guys heard the Corona hoedown,

please stay at home. Really? You know what? He should be a writer for Jimmy Fallon. He would kill for Fallon. Oh, it i'll get drunk just slap him around fallon the evil nefarious man oh god here we go here we go the coronavirus spread around and now the world's on pause but some don't seem to understand we humans are the cause the good news is i know how you can stop this new syndrome all you have to do is stay the

fuck at home okay first of all the chinese did this and they're not human so they're fucking insects all right what do you think of that jake you bust out of your roommate your roommate you guys both live in like queens together you bust out first off the fucking chinese did this and they're insects he's doing his songs you're trying to cook eight pounds of beef at once it's really it's people like this is the reason everybody just went outside immediately yeah it was literally this literally it was this and when fauci threw that first pitch and he looked gay yeah and he like threw it into the ground cdc is like please no more awful comedians stop making pro stay-at-home songs. You're going to kill millions.

Fauci at a press conference. We have put together a task force to stop Jake Novak. Our number one priority, wear a mask. Stop Novak. Fauci has Corona. Does he really? Good for him. Hope it takes him out.

Well, he made AIDS too now. Monkeypox, right? Yeah, what is that? That sounds like a cute way to explain AIDS. It's monkeypox. That's you describing it to a kid. You have monkeypox. See, your uncle went to a bathhouse.

It's monkeypox. It's like a clubhouse for guys only. We were supposed to keep our eye on him, but we looked the other way. See, he didn't take something called prep before going. See, your uncle's what we call a bug chaser. But he doesn't chase bugs like you do. What he does is he puts little slices on his dick and then has unprotected gay sex in bathhouses around the country.

But you know what's worse than that, little Billy? Your other uncle, Jake Novak, who makes musical comedy videos on TikTok. He wants to be on SNL someday. Fuck. But monkeypox is only affecting gay men. Fuck off.

Wait, truly? Well, it's because it's spread through sexual intercourse. So much like AIDS, it's going to spread in the gay community faster just because of more like random hookups and stuff like that interesting is it really becoming a thing like we need to give a fuck about i think in europe it's only nine it's 98 gay men who are getting monkey pox yeah so that's it's really is it's like aids too. Which didn't like Fauci suppress a bunch of like medication for AIDS. I don't know. I think in like Dallas Buyers Club, he's like, you know, trying to stop McConaughey from

right living. He's like, don't fuck Jared Leto. He's upset with him for some reason or whatever, you know, but nothing, you know, listen, no disease is worse than Jake Novak. That's true. I mean, just that face. Look at him. Lots of you keep going out in public.

I observe. We need to do the opposite to flatten out the curve. If you don't know what that means or why it matters, look at Rome. Get your food in Madison and stay the fuck at home. I love when they like to be like cute, but say cuss words. It sounds a little mean, but the way to stop the virus is a big one. I got a bunch of baby oil in a fucking rice cooker.

But no matter what you do, please stay the fuck at home. Stay the fuck at home. I got a katana. I'm going to slice your fucking ass. So he don't die. He told his roommate, he's like, so listen, it's like an upbeat song, but I say, I say fuck it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love that. Stay the fuck at home. I say fuck it. Yeah. It's like an upbeat song, but I get edgy. And I'm cute. I stay the fuck.

He had to take- He goes, I'm going to get a lot of shit for this. That's what he said. He goes, I'm going to get a whole bunch of shit for this. He had to take two shots to say a curse word. Yeah. Work his way up for it. He's like, oh boy, Jake, you're being a bad boy.

He's drinking Malibu. There's also the guys I love where it's like, wait, it's so easy to stay at home because you don't have any real friends and you don't have a real job. Right. Everybody just have a job where you send two emails a day and it's fake. Yeah, exactly. That type of guy. God, look at his fucking frightening face.

Oh, God. Look at this fucking retard. It really is something you want to turn into hamburger meat. It looks like I have a visceral uncanny valley reaction to this fucking cock. I'd love to just see like Louis Gomez like curb stop. I'd love to just see like a crowd at skank fest. Just eat him alive. Just tear him apart.

Just guys in colostomy bags. Biting him while he's alive. Freon addicts just eating him. Let's go kill Jake Novak and suck this tube out of a fridge. It looks like the end of Zombieland. He's on the Ferris wheel. Shoving whippets up his ass.

Trying to make him explode. Dude, Skank Fest was great. We killed Jake Novak. Then we called Louis gay. We ate him. We ate him. Dude, I ate his fucking pinky finger With cheese whiz

It was sick dude It's like back in the day You know they collect like Body pieces of the people They executed These guys run around With his fucking leg Yeah

He does funny songs Every Wednesday Oh that's great Great album Mark it on my fucking calendar Jake Funny songs every Wednesday Check this out

I made chapsticks Out of his forearm Yeah every Wednesday. Check this out. I made chapsticks out of his forearm bone. They're all from Philadelphia. They're all from Philly. Yeah, we're gonna take his beef towel and make a nice butter base out of it. It was a great show. Oh, fuck.

We all skinned Jake Novak alive. My pit bull ate his cock. We skinned Jake Novak alive. My pit bull ate his cock. We skinned Jake Novak alive. And then Ari Shaffir roasted Ahmaud Arbery's family members. It was another classic skank fest. Dude. Dude, it was great. We all skull fucked Jake Novak.

Then we had a 9-11 joke competition. It was fucking killer. Anyway, I got to get back to my mom. Her new pills come in this week. I got to get back to steal them. Yeah, that Jake Novak's gay as hell, though. Jake Novak's gay, dude. He's not gayer than Trayvon Martin's mom, dude.

More like Gavon Martin, dude. Gavon Martin. Did you guys see that prank that Ari Shaffir did? Dude, check it out. Where he showed up to Trayvon's funeral. Wearing a Klan hood, dude. We have to protect edgy comedy dude i heard i heard a lot of edgy comedy dude ari shafir fucking dose trayvon's mom and molly dude that she was fucking hilarious she won't stop coming at trayvon's funeral dude it's fucking crazy dude look at this me my drood

so that's george zimmerman and he's a chad because he's got muscles and like a big dick and shit and that's trayvon martin he's a he's a virgin because he's skinny and he don't he don't get no pussy and he's black the greatest sin of all and this is me over here and i'm face fucking uh i'm face fucking jake novak over here in the corner that's me it's not gay because you know yeah i drew this in my own shit because i drop all my crowns down the sewer that's me taking a big plopper on jake novak anyways we got to make it to the needle exchange by three o'clock i got all these thin needles because of my alligator skin and then the fucking flyers play at six.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, we've already been kicked out of every sports bar in Austin. But they live in Austin. Yeah, that's what I love. Austin's fucking gay, dude. Yeah, it's gay. You got Elon Musk. He's cool. I like how he tweets and shit.

Because he's a chat. They're dating like gilbert grape's mom she's a bigger podcast fan than anybody i always got to go to her place because she can't get out the door yeah yeah we've been impersonating philadelphia women the entire time this hasn't been yeah i was wondering if skank fest was wheelchair accessible i even i know that's gay but my girlfriend can't get inside because her damn chair yeah they're all anti-ada yeah i'm anti-ada you know my girlfriend's a damn cripple. She can only walk sideways like a crab. Like a Baltimore crab. I'm going to put some Old Bay on her. Skankfest seems like a cool, fun time,

but there is an aspect of it where you're like, is everyone here, you know, are they mentally okay? Are they eating people? You like all the comics there. It's the fans. I like all the comics, but yeah, some of the fans, you're just like, why? They're like, you know.

I got Jamie Kilstein tattooed on my back. Because he was a cuck and then stopped being a cuck. Dude, he went to, like, cuck conversion therapy. Like how they do for the Mormons. Anyway, my wife changes her hair every day. Give her color every day. She's 7,000 pounds.

Anyway, I'm going to try and steal one of big jay's gloves oh god wouldn't it be great to just have this jake novak guy just throw him to the yeah to the animals yeah yeah just kill him like Osama. Literally. Just SEAL Team sex him. Novak. Novak. Peaks his head around the corner. He's being defended by the polycam. Somebody shoves Jeremiah Watkins' saxophone up his ass.

This is like he's Gaddafi. This was like Gaddafi. Instead of being hung in a town square, he's hung at 30 Rock, and he's just swinging at Rockefeller in front of Rockefeller Center. Look at him with that microphone, dude. The microphone. That sounds like a cock.

This is how I fucking like that. Should we watch some more Novak videos? Sure, I guess. You can't even really riff about it. Depression, depression, depression. Where's that one? Right there, buddy. Right up.

Oh, December depression. Oh, yeah. What's he got to be sad about? Probably because he loves Christmas so much. It's because his fucking girlfriend's boyfriend. I'm looking him on the full screen. It's a tough time of year. The best time of the whole dang year.

Children singing Christmas songs and spreading snow each year. Everybody's happy. Everyone except for me. No no i'm not making sure i want to empty a fucking gun into them at like three in the morning i've got december depression i will not feel good this month but all the music sounds so fun on all my holiday nights i, it's not even just, it's not even fun. It's, it's, it's can't even shit on it. It's also like these guys who have to eat like a fucking bowl of antidepressants every morning, just look themselves in the mirror.

Yeah. We're into therapy, but like shouldn't go. Cause they should feel bad about themselves. Right. Yeah. Just sitting it, sitting, just sitting it. Sitting it. Sitting it.

Sitting your shame for what you've wrought on humanity. That's your contribution to society? Dumbass rhymes about being sad? You should be podcasting. It'd be so... Just Jake Novak on the Legion of Skanks. The whole crowd, they just fucking kill him. Cut, cut, cut.

Day of the Locust. It's like a fucking cartel execution video. They got a chainsaw. They find Jake Novak's head in a fucking GMC in Arizona. The Colombian Nectar. They kill him and his little pet monkey. Llewyn Moss. Yeah.

Llewyn Moss opens the door of the fucking truck and he's like, Soylent. He's like, We don't got no Soylent. We ain't got no Soylent. He's like,

He's like, Close the door and the skanks, the skanks are coming. He's like, There ain door, the skanks. The skanks are coming. He's like, there ain't no skanks out here. Fucking retard. I saw your gay ass Rob. I saw your gay ass Rob.

You deserve to die. He goes home to his fucking trailer park girlfriend, and she's like, why you got all that soil in? He's like, I got something to do. Just toss. He's tossing it to something to do. Yeah, just toss. He's tossing it to her to get back because he didn't kill him on sight. About to go do something dumber than hell, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm going to do something dumber than hell.

Tell my mama I love her. Yeah, tell Trump I love him. Trump's been banned from Twitter for three years. Well, I guess I'll tell myself. I'll tell myself. Oh, fuck. It just ends with him walking. Take note, I can note that down. It ends with Tommy Lee Jones at his brother's house.

They're drinking week old coffee. It's all these TikToks. Pure, unexplainable people. In my day, comedians didn't even have a twitter yeah you know big yon didn't have twitter and he was a good share musical comedy you can't do nothing about that i saw him i saw my father he was carrying a horn like in the old times but it was just it was playing musical hip-hop rhymes out of the horn and he was going up ahead to

kill himself my father in line he was doing he was going up ahead to kill himself. I saw my father in line. He was doing pro-mass songs. Do you know why I'm here? That's pretty good. I'm here because you made musical comedy. He pulls him over and goes, please stop.

Please stop dancing, sir. Do you know why I use birdshot? Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Better than a good no country riff. Talk about murdering people you've never met. Do have a good no country riff. Just hold still. Please stand still.

I am God's anger. You're like writing new lines. This is clearly a spec script you wrote. No country for old men too. But John Knapp. Me and Devin had a whole thing where it was just trans Anton Sugar all the way through Texas. What was it?

What was the Anton Sugar? My pronouns are they, them. Yeah, that's right. It was trans Anton Sugar. He had pronouns are data. That's right. It was trans. It's a trans. I swear to God. We also had a trans Anton sugar.

I swear to God. No, it's like he blows up the car so he can go in and steal hormones. We had that same fucking joke. Oh my God. I did. I did that story too. He's like in the bathtub shooting himself up with fucking estrogen. He's in the gas station trying to make the guy guess his gender.

Call it. Well, I don't know, sir. You got a real shitty pair of tits, but you got a beard. It's a spectrum. Hello, sir. It's a spectrum. So you're saying you were born into your gender. Well, I'm not saying that now.

Don't put your pronouns in your Twitter bio. He's got that silence gun, just sipping bullets through a windshield, and you just see his purple hair in the fucking darkness. Blue or pink, pick one. Blue or pink. Yeah. Yes. Blue or pink. Pick one. Blue or pink. Blue or pink. Do you? Woody Harrelson's played by Joe Rogan.

Well, you sick son of a bitch. Sick son of a bitch. You don't respect my pronouns. And I didn't want to break the glass behind you. If the pronoun you used to take you here, what use was the pronoun? I made the promise. And the promise has to be for fruit. Oh, fuck. That's just a good time.

That's a great goddamn time. No country for gay men. No country for gay men. No country for gay men. We also had this thing where he's obsessed with buckies.

Yeah, no, he was obsessed. In our gag, he was like, I love the buckies. We kept stopping at different buckies. He keeps pulling

people over and being like, where is the nearest buckie? He's like, the fudge. The homemade fudge. that old chicken farmer just like oh you don't spend a couple years being trans brother i've been there where where's the nearest gender reassignment?

He's like popping the locks off. Hey man, stuck in a woman's body. Hey, we all been there. Brother, I've been there. Oh God. What are we searching for? A man who recently got his dick chopped off tommy lee jones hits the scene he goes if this ain't a mess it'll do to the mess

just sees his dick on the ground looking for the best one i know we did this already but the mexican is just like testosterone testosterone ain't got no testosterone I know we did this already, but the Mexican's just like, testosterone. Testosterone. Ain't got no testosterone. Ain't got no T. Ain't got no damn T. Ain't got no damn T. Ain't got no T levels.

Oh, God. Oh, no. He opens up the bag. It's just a bunch of hormones. That's a hormone deal gone wrong. He's like, well, ain't that something? You know, my dad was the first gay man in this county. I was gay at the same time.

I think he's pretty proud of that. I know I was. I know this is dumb as hell, but I love it so much. It's so funny. It got John and I through five states. It was insane. We were doing it nonstop. We did the complete same thing. We licked up.

Yeah, that's so funny. There's something to like. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, God damn it. Transanton sugar. Yeah. Manton sugarigurh.

Because he kind of already looks like he's going through it, right? Yeah, exactly. He already kind of has the mannerisms. He's got the high heels and the hair. Just the clicking on the asphalt. I am gay. My pronouns are desire. You ain't got to do this.

You say you do, but you ain't got to. Keep this. This is your lucky coin. That's what they all say. You ain't got to do this. You look gross. You don't have to cut it off, they say. It makes you some limbs and beards.

I ain't never seen a woman wearing a suit and a vest. Why you all wear vests? My body rejected the implants. Yeah, they're toxic. You know how many straight people i know in el paso this many you know how many genders i got this many i want to like add to it in a witty way, but I just... The non-binary Texan. Yeah. Non-binary Texan. I keep wanting to add to it, but I couldn't think of anything, so I just be like, yeah, fucking trans!

Gross! You're just bucking in your chair. I just ruin it all. All nuance goes out the window. I go, you're not a real man like whoa that is you that is like any experience at like a job where you'll just be joking around so we'd be like and that's the thing is we should kill him you have a harmless joke and then you find out that yeah the person starts saying stuff you're like oh boy the other night at my

the other day in my office they figured out that the dodgers had an lgbt night and i would have had to like stand up and just walk out i'm like i'm gonna go on an appointment for an hour because were they gonna all gonna start making ridiculous yeah just like ridiculous like i remember fucking one of my co-workers said the thing where he was literally saying this he was like uh he's like well what's what's to stop me from you know dressing up like a woman and going out in a in a in a woman's bathroom and molesting a bunch of kids. I'm like, why does your mind go there? The law. You sick fuck.

Who's your coworker, Fred Mertz? No, he was literally saying that, and then I was just like, I wasn't even trying to argue or anything. I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ. There's nothing stopping you from dressing like a woman and going to a woman's restaurant. It's like the blessing kids.

It's the law. Yeah, well, it's also like, number one, his head goes, so he's like, how can I molest kids? How can I use this to fuck children? And then number two, it's like you could literally for anything. It's like, well, why should you get a driver's license? Because you could just run over a kid and then fuck him. Exactly. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Everyone's always getting fucked. Yeah. Never underestimate somebody wanting to fuck no matter what is happening wow hey they were talking about the the trans swimmer that was what kept the conversation they love that leah thomas yeah leah thomas which is always i'm like i you know i'm not like either way on it like a nuanced conversation just don't give a shit about swimming yeah yeah it gives a shit yeah what do they do at LGBT night at Dodger Stadium?

They just say no cellos are allowed. Just guys like bowed up at this. What do you mean, fool? They're like, I'm gay as hell, dude. I'm gay as hell.

I want to fuck all the Dodgers. They're like, what is this, Skittles Day? Hey, Papa, I'm gay as shit. I like to take the dick and I dip it in a little salt with the sugar. They consume it for my beer, yeah? I dip my fucking dick in it.

Taste my rainbow, cracker bitch. I'm Latinx. I'm Latinx You know what's crazy is like that I don't think a single I think like 98% of Hispanic people hate Latinx Oh they 100% Every Mexican person I know hates Latinx

But I still see it What is it Latinx or Latinx I thought it was Latinx Latinx Latinx Oh I thought it was latinx latinx yeah latinx like latino latinx yeah oh i thought it was like latinx latinx like he's like malcolm i have no idea what i have no clue what's going on get your head out of my pocket fool what is yeah so what does it mean what does latinx mean it's non-binary uh for latino yeah which is funny because the entire language is based around feminine and masculine nouns i i picked up this

dude it was like a latino verb excuse me he worked at occidental college and he was like basically what happens is you get like the barrio and then like one kid goes to berkeley and then comes back and then just tries to do this shit and nobody wants it right yeah so it's it's he's like it's they he called it hentification it's like you go to like fucking you get the one educated kid who hangs around white people and fucking their ivy league college and comes back and it's like i'm gay now and you all should be like us i think it's honestly mostly just white people that too yeah a lot a lot of east la is like white art communities and shit. And also these people, if you're an artist, you're just white now.

You're just a fucking, you know what I mean? You're just a fucking liberal. Listen, listen. Let's give John enough rope to hang himself. We're having a fun time here. We like to go forward to the podcast. And then out of nowhere, John will just scream the N word. And be like, you get what I'm saying? And we're no john no building art installations you're just a liberal cuck like you're no longer part of the fucking braza dude like you're just fucking

you know like you're not some like who are you to tell some fucking dude that's like a cholo like what do you what he should say yeah he's not gonna live you talk it's insane well i don't get it though why is it only for hispanic communities that there's not is there an african-american x or black hell no or like hell no dude yeah what do they call that dude no black people hate gay people that's all i use it it's crazy in uh but i don't know, in Atlanta, there's a lot of gays. Yeah, they're all down low

and it's super dangerous. they're all down low. Fucking, I had a buddy who was this like bisexual black gay dude and he like, he was like,

he'd be like, yeah, it fucking sucks. Like, he'll fuck a dude and then he'll like want to kill you. Because you lived in Atlanta.

Yeah. For a while. It's like that shit. Yeah, it's like very dangerous. Like, you ever seen those videos where like the guy's like,

there's like a gay dude, he's like, yeah, he fucked black dudes, and then the dude's beating the shit out of the gay guy that he fucked last week in the street because he's like, don't tell people I'm gay. That's why so many trans prostitutes get killed in Atlanta and shit. These down-low brothers get all pissed off. Right.

Down-low brothers. That's what they call them. They call them down-low brothers. Yeah. Yeah, true, true. Listen, I've been in it. You can just let him sit in there. I'm fine, call him. Call him Downlow Brothers. Yeah. Yeah. True. True. Listen, I've been in it. I'm fine in this fucking hot tub.

I've been in this hot tub all fucking day. I get what he's saying. It's just funny to Yeah, it's hard to. It's like watching a guy drown. No, I'm pouring all over himself. I'm thriving here. I'll keep talking. I don't give a shit. Do all black, yeah, I keep talking i don't give a shit do all but yeah i guess i don't know

i know there is a there is a problem with homophobia in the african-american gay hip black people love gays though but once you become hip you're just like a fucking like you're white i guess that's what i'm trying to say it's like you're no longer like connected to the fucking barrio or the raza or anything right well i've also heard that a lot of the the black homophobia was rooted in the fact that like as a black man like you're like you don't want to have your masculinity taken away from you because you're always like in this society uh treated as like you know less than so to have anything that takes that you as a man this away is like viewed as a threat and i'm sure that's the same across classes too. I don't even think it's I'm reading this

off of note cards right now. Why can't they be more like white people? We love gays. We're open to everyone and everything. Including blacks. Let's check black Twitter. Let's see what they say. I would have taken gay.

Also there's like very little policing of black homophobia because they're already black. Well, because you can't police. All white people don't want to get involved. They don't want anything. Yeah. They go, he doesn't know any better. Well, no, it's not just that. It's like, I'm so scared to tell a black guy what to do.

There's liberal racism, too. Yeah, liberal racism. It's on the straight, on the real tip. Oh, for real? No, it's like that's a lot of liberal racism is like having problems with everything, but there's stuff where it's like, well, they don't even, they live in the ghetto. They don't know any better. Well, every election they do that, they're like, well, guys, we got to educate the blacks

to vote for. I remember that woman tweeted. She's like, I already know Bernie ain like i already know bernie ain't gonna win because black twitter ain't having no bernie on the timeline and then just dunked on so much just had to yeah yeah yeah change her identity yeah yeah i mean we'll know that the black community is like fine with with gay people when like chick-fil-a starts like getting on with the you know like pride month and stuff right like doesn't chick-fil-a hate gay people no it's just the fucking well they release the statement don't year like yeah no you're going to hell

no they always they're like they're like listen we love everybody we love all our customers you are uh deemed for eternal damnation yeah we love the hell out of you but enjoy the chicken sandwiches while you're alive on earth before you burn in hell not gonna be any chicken sandwiches in hell yeah i'll tell you that. No pickle brine in hell. What is it? Chick fuck gays or something? Thanks, Nick DiPaolo. That was Chip.

Oh, Chip. More like chick fuck gays or something. What is it? Chick fill like a guy's ass like she's pegging him or something? The owner of Chick-fil-A is like a baptist and he did like an interview in like a baptist magazine and was like i don't agree with gay marriage and then all of a sudden for some reason because in in liberals minds corporations can have identities

like people they just think that the whole corporation is anti-gay right and mitigating like you know the 17 year olds that work there for a summer job you know they're just like yeah those they're all like homophobes delicious it's really good it's amazing i don't i don't need any i don't need any politics behind food yeah grilled nuggets are really like what what does water burger feel about the trans yeah i don't care yeah it can't have an identity you can't have an opinion it's a fucking corporation the hottest take you've had this whole you just said the grilled chicken nuggets are good they're good man if man. If you want some low-cal shit, grilled chicken nuggets.

I know you're dipping them in all the sauces. It's like covered in sugar, yeah. Oh, okay. All right, whatever. What is that Polynesian sauce? That seems a little too foreign. How come Chick-fil-A knows about Polynesia? They can't expand their minds to gay people. Yeah, they can't expand their minds to gay people.

Let's go to Polynesia to get a sauce. But we went to Polynesia for a sauce. Well, you know, the owner was like, what if we call it Orient sauce? I got inspired when I saw Willy Wonka and all the Oompa Loompas. What if we get us

some of them little Asian fellas? We're fucking done, buddy. This is it. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm about to be in the Sex Lives of College Girls on HBO. Are you? And Black Lady Sketch Show. Devin's playing Mindy Kaling's character.

And I'm about to be on I don't know, some gay show. You're in the new Billy Eichner movie. Yeah, I'm in Billy Eichner show. You're in the new Billy Eichner movie. Yeah, I'm in Billy Eichner movie. You're in Bros. And I'm in, I'm on this other show. Devin's going to be in Joker too. I'm in another show called like Fuck Island.

It is funny you have this podcast and then go do all these shows that are. None of them have been coming in lately. Yeah. No, it's funny. shows that are haven't none of them have been coming in lately yeah no it's fine you know real people respect me sure you look down my black friends I thought

respected me and then they flew me out to just not have me be in anything cut me out of it I'll let you say a word no but then you know I got the hispanic community they love me they love me you know chris estrada i was on i'm gonna be on his show and hulu but it's not i don't think i'll ever be on a one of these that we right the shows nobody watches i'll never be on one of those yeah yeah the shows of 30 000 people watching them. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway.

Let's go to the page. I know you're really looking for the Anton Sugar thing. It's over. I don't know. Your voice was so funny. I just want to hear one more thing.

The top surgery. Say something about Bocci. Say do the Bocci's again. I go with the Bocci's. And then you get the fudge and the peanuts at Bocci's. What if I named a sauce that was not so desirable?

You know, think about Anton Sugar. He almost has to do like Dracula. Chase, what do you think about what we do here? Do you think we go like so crazy where it's like there's no, like it's we have committed fully. You know, it's always

it's always what we can just. I don't think we're that done. Like, I think we talk about everything with a lens of absurdity and people. if you're actually listening. Shut up, faggot. In context. There we go. You just want to know that everything is done in jest.

It's all in jest. Except what John says. Except for when John talks. But those views do not support the views of the podcast. There we go. That's all I wanted to hear. Patreon.com slash HeyWatchPodcast. Join us. us we're gonna do one right now all right john say come on say another word hold