Hate Watch with Devan Costa - White Losers

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Jace joins the show once again as we attack Alexander Supertramp and Into The Wild, Grizzly Man, offer solutions for the homeless and then show our support for SeaWorld Get weekly bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Join the Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/hatewatchpod/ Available on all platforms. Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hate-watch-with-devan-costa/id1459356319 Follow the pod on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hate_watch_pod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hatewatchpod/ Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/devancosta Follow on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/

Okay, alright. Sure, of course. We won't talk about any industry things. Because it's good. Everything we get is good. Everything. Everybody we know who makes money doing anything is good.

I want to stay in the side. I think it's a cinematic shot. It represents the divide between you, me, and Richie. Yeah, I know you're right. It's only half in the podcast. You're like Ina Ritu. I'm Amores Peros.

It's a symbol for the commitment that I've made to Hatewatch. That's exactly right. But yeah, so who knows? I'm on this show, Pause with Sam Jay. I think I'm on next week's episode. Oh, shit. And I doubt I'm in it much's episode. Oh, shit. I doubt I'm in it much because... It's just you

screaming, why can't I say it? That might have happened. I literally got so drunk I don't remember. People were accusing me of stealing drinks and then HBO's handlers came in and put me in another room for a second to cool me off. I'm not kidding. I was literally

taken by people and put in a room. They were like like why don't you just relax yeah you're the only person to get kicked out of a tv show yeah they're like they're like we're not talking about louis they're like it's a show about black people and like the i don't know the differences and i'm just like we did louis ck wrong i think at one point i said uh they were like man what is what are you talking about you're going crazy and i'm like holding a drink and i'm like it's not my fault hbo is trying to date rape me i know i was wild because this this was one dude it was like i don't know like a grip or an ad or something and he was really respectful really nice the whole time real professional and then at the very end in like the trailer when it was all over he was leaving he was like all right i'll see everybody he goes he looked at me and he goes

you a wild boy not even mad you're a wild boy you're a wild boy i mean my friend the the host of the show her wife like got got angry at me at the end. We got in a weird fake thing. People broke us up. I had no idea what was going on. I was literally, it was three and a half hours of me. The next day, Jack calls me, my friend, who was a producer at the show, and he goes, did you eat yesterday?

I was like, yeah, I had a huge bagel at 11 a.m and the show was at 8 p.m i was just like stress drinking you know sure yeah what even i was just happy to be there that's so funny the guy thought like just your core was rotten he was just like well that's i don't know i like that when black people say white guys are wild yeah it's a compliment it's a compliment it's like the dave chappelle bit like okay craziest white guy you're you're like white boy wrecked to them kind of you're swinging you're slinging coke at 16 exactly yeah i'm uh yeah i'm cheddar bob i actually shot myself on the show that would be that'd be so funny you show up like dressed like alan iverson in 2004 i show up like malibu's

so he hit his thing you got brother malcolm said it best dude i don't jack was like you were like straying off all the topics and i'm like we didn't get any topics right you're just like having a conversation with somebody and then you forget that you're on like a show and then that so then they're it's like normal it's very casual and then out of nowhere the guy you're talking to will be like yeah so listen if you were a slave owner what how would you treat and you're like whoa we were just talking about basketball what the fuck i'm like put on the spot here right of course i'd keep all my slaves i mean what guys, crazy? I'm trying to run a business here. I'm trying to run a goddamn plantation

here. I need help. How do I treat them when I get bored? I'd make them competitive. What do you mean, how would I treat them? You know, like everybody else, I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb. It's not my fault we didn't have air conditioning back then. Maybe if we did, I'd give them one.

They'd get one unit. What more do you want from me? I'm on surrounded by black people in this loft in New York. Yeah. Like about what I would do as a slave. We'll see how it goes. They're probably going to edit most of it. Oh yeah.

I mean, or make an entire episode around you. If they wanted to have the best episode, like, they could, I would, I want to call them and be like, just throw me under the bus.

I don't even care anymore. Let's make 30 minutes. Don't stray away from the whole point of the show. A full documentary about you and the history of Devin Costa.

Yes, the history of this crazy guy. Like Ken Burns, your eight-year-old face flashing across the screen. Exactly, exactly. Like, yeah, like a PBS documentary about me fucking up my moment.

Born in Los Angeles, was asocial, grabbed on to black culture. Just Jack reading a letter he wrote to his wife back home about you. Dearest I couldn't think of a name you notice I did not do this

didn't want to say a black name dearest Doja Cat dearest Doja my dearest Cardi B anyway we'll see how it goes juicy juicy it dumpy all time

I don't know how that song goes it got to the point where I remember there was a bunch of other comics on the show and everyone you know when you're doing stand up you're going to see everybody so no one can really go off. So I was kind of there like I don't know

I'm flying back home to my basement. I'm going to fucking go off. I'm going to say a lot of things. I'm on the fringe baby. I remember when all the comics left I'm like drunk at the trailer like hey see ya and they're like alright. Everyone was kind of like, what did... You were crazy.

It's really like the Unabomber came to town to start reading his manifesto. It was like if the Unabomber had some Henny in it. You know, those bombs are a little more stylish. Yeah, sure. The bombs, they zip all the way up. Yeah.

Like a babe hoodie. Yeah, exactly. He worked for the postal department. Trying to think of black stereotypes. I couldn't think of anything. Somebody just said that out loud. Well, that's what we were doing. Black Unabomber.

Black Unabomber. Black Unabomber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would the Black Unabomber do? I don't know. Fucking, he'd play basketball or something. I don't know. Black Unabomber. Black Unabomber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would the Black Unabomber do? I don't know. Fucking, he'd play basketball or something. I don't know. Just looked completely phony then.

Oh, man. Yeah, he moves all the way out to some part of New York near the Hudson River, and they're like, he's out in the sticks, isolated from everybody. He's in Staten Island. He's in Flint, Michigan. They're like, the Unabomber's been whiling on the island. That's what they say on the news.

Reports of Jamal Kaczynski whiling on the island. Of course, he was MK'd ultra at Howard University. There we go. We're back! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

He's the only bomber. He's called the Unabomber still, but he shows up with like eight dudes with him to do it. Yeah. Yeah. The bombs are always set for too late. You God never gets a chance to put a bomb anywhere.

Anyways. You listen to kendrick's new album uh you know i started listening to it the other day and it's it's kind of heavy it's heavy and it's not like musically that interesting to me uh yeah it takes a long time he's a great rapper but i i'll probably like check it out kendrick's really testing my patience with this one i'm like it's very like spoken wordy yeah very piano-y it's growing on me by the day i listened to five songs and then i was like oh i'm just gonna go listen to pimp a butterfly again it just made me want to go back and listen to yeah which is you know to be a butterfly that was a fun album to be really into as a white guy oh that was great yeah he's driving around like yes i am a conqueror yes yes my colonialist i love it as long as it's like authentic like i told i read the biography of malcolm x i was like this is like one of the greatest things i've ever read malcolm x

keeps it real and he was like literally he's like the white man should be killed i was like he's goddamn right we're a menace it It's true. Yeah. Love Malcolm X. I wish No problem with X here. I wish Kendrick Lamar said faggot more in the album. He says it three times in a row in that one song about his trans cousin. Yeah, yeah. He goes, Demetrius is Mary Ann

now. Yeah. He's like, my cousin just won the national championship women's swimming. Everyone's now. Yeah. Volunteers a man now. Yeah. He's like, my cousin just won the national championship women's swimming. Everyone's pissed. Yeah. I thought that was good. People got mad at him on Twitter, I think, a little bit for saying. Well, because nobody cares about context at all.

He's saying we used to say it without thinking anything of it. It's not like he's saying it to incite anything. Right. If you've never heard a comedy podcast before, if take out context you lose nuance all right moving on anyway yeah exactly no one's ever taught no comedians ever talk about that yeah yeah let's talk about cancel culture a little bit yeah these these dims have gone too far it's like the republicans are like voting for no baby formula ever being made. These cancel culture in the dims. Why is there a baby shortage formula?

What does that even mean? There. So there was no one can get an abortion anymore. And they're drinking it all up. What is going on? I'll tell you why. It's because of Joe fucking Biden. Yeah.

Goddamn right. I'm the guy who made all the stickers and puts them up on the gas pumps. Yeah. I have no life whatsoever. I'm going to kill myself. Just like looking around. Got him. President, checkmate.

This guy putting stickers on an Arco pump, just like, talk about a revolution. People thinking they're like just fucking chabel bar for making a still let's go brandon sticker every time i see it i'm just like what what a sad retard i know it's just driving a fucking f450 god the trucks with eight wheels on them that being said uh the price of gas is ridiculous oh i mean don't get me started okay it's insane. And I hope something happens to the president.

I won't say what. Right. You just something. Anything. Could be good, could be bad. Could be good, could be bad. That's all I'm saying. Whatever motivates him to drop that price.

Whatever gets him to drop the price. Yes. That's damn straight. Maybe that's pain inflicted. Or maybe a good talking to. Maybe somebody sits him down. Sure. Right, right, right.

We're never going to have gas low again. Huh? I don't think it'll ever be under $5 again. No, no, no, no, no, no. And it's all fake. I mean, I think gas went up 90 cents, and that week, oil went down by 30%. But it was just, you know, they can gouge it or whatever. I mean, we're all just going to be fucking slowly beat. No, we're living through the Patrice bit.

It's going close to seven. It's going to go back to like five, and we're like, oh, thank God. And we're like, it was four, which was already horrible. Exactly. And meanwhile, all of our bodies are full of plastic. Like, we're all dying oh yeah all the time there's just plastic just ripping through our blood vessels just destroying these water bottles they're just we're just drinking water this is white blood cells there's

no way around anything yeah no it's literally you can't the microplastic it's in antarctica like they found it in like and like you can't escape it but anyway that damn trius is marianne now that damn joe biden uh no to answer you you had to get goddamn question about the goddamn baby shortage formula apparently there was a couple of baby formula firms that got caught like making their shit just shittily so there was a bunch of like e coli baby formula welcome to the street corner uh tough crowd they're making their shit shittily so the shit was all fucked up urana it was fucked up um no they were like they had like a bunch of e-coli outbreaks and they actually killed i think like three or four babies oh my god through their formula so they had to like scrap all of it. And then I think it's also partly an issue because Russia exports like 30% of all wheat

in the world. So that's like going to cause the way we're probably going to see food shortages in the next. It's a good time to be alive. It's a good time to be alive. These words are words I never, you never thought the modern day would have. Yeah. Like a shoe, a food shortage. Right. There's literally would have. I know. Like a food shortage.

Right. There's literally a guy. I went to go get gas today. There's a guy in the middle of Glendale Boulevard. It's a massive street. Juggling. Juggling bowling pins with a top hat. I've seen him.

Yes. I mean, we're going. I mean, pretty soon there's going to be people with wheelbarrows full of cash and a guy juggling. Oh, I hope Caruso blows up downtown i hope he drives like a plane through skid row i hope rick caruso his first day he he's like in the tank like the gta cheat code he's just steamrolling through the streets i'm imagining him in like a in a tom uh apache helicopter just like just mowing down homeless people like i know that's you're not like supposed to want to vote for that guy because you just you

can't you gotta everybody in la like has to want to vote for like the you know the lady that runs like a juice shop right like you know johnson or something yeah peanut johnson yeah yeah everybody vote for scrabble bag uh nomina or whatever scrabble bag nomina yeah yeah yeah yeah ramen lot yeah alphabet soup is running for the 18th district everyone vote for sprouts mcgee yeah guys Adam Conover told me. Exactly, Adam. Yeah. The show where it's like all honest, and it just happens to be produced by Barack Obama.

Right, yeah. You know, let's tell, we're going to tell you how the government works. You wonder who made the documentary? The government. The government? Oh, okay, so they should be honest. Yeah, no, but yeah, it's the thing.

It's like in LA with the homeless. It's like they didn't do something for so long, but now we just have to kill all the homeless people. We just have to shoot them in the head and dump them in the ocean. Yeah, it's not even their fault. It's ours. And now we have to punish them for our mistake.

I'm sorry. We should have gave you housing. You're just holding the Anton Shakur cattle broad to their head like my bad yeah I'm getting I'm like I'm getting paid 15 bucks an hour to do this I'm almost there my life's not even much better yeah I got roommates I'm 38 yeah you know you listen the other the afterlife will probably be better than this street yeah they're gonna go to hell they'll go to hell there is it's always like it's like rick caruso who's he's his plan he's like we're gonna light him on fire right and then there's the liberal

person running who's like i with my first day in office i will enact like everyone will have to house a homeless like the quartering act will be back but for homeless i He'll be like, I think a homeless person should rape your wife, personally. Yeah. But yeah, no, it really is, you just have to, at a certain point, just get them out of the city.

I don't know what to do with them. Just get them out. Just put them on a bus. Yeah, and blow it up. You know, field trips? Put them in like a speed situation.

Give them a chance to survive. I think like a dark night, you have a cruise ship full of rich people and a cruise ship full of homeless people. And you give them both triggers to bombs on the other ship. Here's the thing. How about we don't just violently

kill them immediately? No, of course. I'm kidding. Put them on a big... I used to take field trips as a kid. They somehow had the money to get us a bus. Sure. Get them a big bigger bus. Okay. Put all the homeless on it. Take them to the desert

and just let them out. And then they'll just, you know, it's like when you catch a mouse inside and you gotta like catch a little Folgers can and gotta put it out. You gotta leave it. Let it, you know, take them to the wild. take him to Slab City isn't Slab City

just a big concrete thing and they have like what's Slab City I think it's like a place for people that want to get off the grid just go to live like you ever seen

Into the Wild oh okay remember the end of Into the Wild when he's living in that weird I wanted him to die so hard

he's burning money and shit that fucking loser I'm like fucking I'm glad he died the whole movie is like my parents fought yeah so now I go kill myself in the woods right a loser. I'm like, fucking, I'm glad he died. The whole movie is like, my parents fought. Yeah. So now

I go kill myself in the woods. Right. My parents, they had to fight a couple times. Because you're literally, you're waiting for the scene where the dad hits the mom and he never does. I think she like shakes him for a second. It's like, quit being a pussy. It was fine. It was a classic shove. Quit being a pussy. Who hasn't

seen their dad do that? Our dads all shove their moms because they were being a bitch. Yes. I mean, it's like Jesus Christ. Was your mom a woman? Then I guess your dad had a point. Okay, you little bitch. Now you got to go live in a school bus in Alaska?

Also, you're a retard. All you had to do was walk up the river. There was probably a part you could have crossed. There was a bridge. You gave have crossed. There was a bridge. You gave up immediately. There was a bridge a half a mile upstream. No, there really was. If he had a map, he would have seen the fucking bridge.

He's an idiot. He's treating any tree full of berries like anything's edible. It's like it's the M&M's store, just grabbing berries. He fucked up the moose. He killed that moose. He killed the moose. He didn't even get any fucking meat from it. Dip shit.

Dip shit. I could figure that out. More like Alexander's super dumb ass hey how about this you want to know how you savor your meat when you kill it you cook it dip shit you cook it put it in salt right after okay retard get some lowry's go to the store how about that couldn't? Couldn't go to the store. You need him a stove. Yeah. Hey, how about you just live inside? Exactly. How about into civilization?

Dumbass into the house. How about you try mindfulness techniques? God, I hated that guy. Three guys who clearly have other things going on. Oh yeah. That movie was the scene when he's burning money and into the wild. Yeah. It's yeah. It's directed by Sean Penn to like Eddie.

Every, every scene is an Eddie Vedder song. Like... I'm such a pussy. I'll never be as good as Kirko Haynes. Gonna rise up and die in my school bus. Gonna rise up and... I should have looked into how to survive before I went out into the wild.

Maybe just a little bit. What's any difference between that guy, Super Tramp, and the fucking Timothy Treadwell? Timothy, the guy that wanted to fuck bears. No, that was his full name. Yeah, Grizzly Man. Grizzly Man, Timothy Treadwell. Timothy Treadwell, yeah. Interesting guy.

Got his girlfriend killed by a bear. I have found that this man i love when bernard's like this man was obviously a gay man he was such a little bitch and he got no pussy then he listens to the audio of him being killed like around his family and then he goes you should never listen to these but it's like, what the fuck? Why are you listening to it in front of us? Yeah, they zoom in on his face. His eyes are just wide. Just hearing the guy get torn to pieces.

You know, Werner listens to that like every night. Oh, yeah. It's the only way he can get hard. What if that was Timothy Treadwell's long-term plan to kill his girlfriend? He's like, I'll just have her eaten by a bear. Can't get rid of this bitch. God, no one will think I did anything if it's a bear. I got this in with the bears.

He's literally chasing foxes around the woods and shit. He wanted to fuck animals. Yeah, he was gay for bears. He wanted to get railed by a bear. Yeah. He wanted to get railed by a bear yeah yeah when he gets a ripped open by a bear by a bear yeah yeah yeah yeah ken kendrick should make a song about that timothy wants to a bear now grizzly man what are you doing i wasn't old enough to understand faggot faggot faggot we didn't know this bear ain't free

I wasn't old enough to understand. Faggot, faggot, faggot. We didn't know. This bear ain't free. Kendrick makes a whole album about white losers. If somehow we find out he looks up to all these people. Yeah. You dick two inches.

You fucked a bear. Yeah. It's the hard part for, but he turns into Timothy Triboyle. It's a fun bet. This dick ain't free. That's why you want to fuck a grizzly bear. Oh, man. Yep, that's a great album.

Much better than this one, which was not that great. And the album cover sucked. It's kind of a boring album cover. The album cover is like you're in fifth grade and you're like, I'm going to be a great artist one day. You put a crown on your head. You hold a baby.

Oh, it's a crown. Like Jesus jesus i got a gun in my back i also don't even really know what it like he's like mr moran and the big step is i'm like what is that yeah what is it what is your fake band i'm sure references something that someone could yell us yell at us about but you know he's like i got daddy issues he goes i'm wild in the sack yeah you know what they say about men with daddy issues they fuck crazy it's it's it's also such a kendrick name that it's almost like kind of dr sucey like i feel like he likes dr suce rhymes right kendrick's new album cat in the hat yeah i mean it's growing on me but you know he's so big it's at that point where he thinks he's like jesus yeah and i've always told you i've never really been and this is the wise thing

i've always said is i've never really cared about the lyrics so much in rap i just like the music more so yeah and the music's pretty but it changes it's not continuous every song stops a minute in and then goes into a new beat yeah and it's just not even I don't know there's just nothing that really pops out or anything there's not one song where you're like I'm gonna listen to that every time in my car

I'm not really driving down the street blasting his trans aunt song I'm not really pulling into parking lots like, yeah! I got daddy issues. I got daddy issues and my cousin's a girl now. Those bass boosted cars where it just blows

hair and dirt everywhere? Yeah, I went back and listened to Good Kid through Damn and it's like there's so much more interesting. I think him and Thundercat should have just made a group and then just done a bunch of albums like that because I think they're like, he just needs somebody to make really interesting music.

I wanted some more jazz on it. Yeah, like Thundercat on To Pimp a Butterfly. I've heard this a lot, and I did the same thing where it's like, it's so bad that I was like, I had to go listen to his whole discography other than this album yeah it's not bad i know it's not bad it's it's the curse of like if he makes that good of stuff for such a long time i'm gonna hold you to this insane yeah yeah standard i just wanted a like a fun song yeah i wanted one i wanted a dna a dna yeah exactly yeah anything an eye perhaps yes

give me an o we all morph into seinfeld just give me an o even fuck yeah yeah yeah kendrick sucks you watch any of the staircase Jason you know what the staircase is no I don't watch any of the I can't do the documentary to the series to the thing I'm with you I'm sure it's great

do you know what happened with the documentary yeah the owl and the staircase the dumb bitch fell down she fell and they said it was him but you know this is the real fucking killer is this guy. That damn owl. Look at this sociopath.

Throw that maniac. Throw that owl in the clink. Dude, owls look like they're in cults. Look at this. It looks like it's going to a sacrifice with its Robert Durst eyes. It's a little on the nose. I fucking hate owls.

Their head turns all the way around. What a creep. They shit little mouse balls. The little balls with the mouse bones in it. They just puke them up. Do they puke them up? I thought they shit them out. They might puke them up though. They probably shit them.

I remember in middle school we had to pick them apart and you'd find a little mouse skull. They ate puke them up, though. No, they probably shouldn't. I remember in middle school, we had to pick them apart, and you'd find a little mouse skull. Oh, right. And they'd be like, they ate that. Yeah. And then it died. My favorite video on the internet is when that family releases that little gopher into the wild, and it immediately gets killed by a hawk.

And the baby's like, meh. I love that. I love nature. Nature at its best. The viciousness of all existence. You know, anytime anyone's released an animal to the wild, it's killed instantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We really forget that that's the nature of the entire universe.

Yeah. Is consumption. Yeah. That's it. It's a big meat grinder. And we're the meat. Yeah. Would you, like, if you were dying, would you ever think for a second like you know how like tribes

like somebody that's dying like they would just like wander into the woods and die alone sure would i do that would we should yeah no i want i want a lot of attention i want yeah i would be screaming i want like a jamaican nurse and shit that's like sassy and fun and i want to like slowly die and i want to like really i want to like really harass everybody inside of the place i would beg to just get sucked off since I'm about to die. I'd be like can that Jamaican nurse suck me off? I would every day just be like suck me off.

Yeah, they come to my house. I'm like somebody suck me off, please. I would keep hitting the emergency button like I'm having an attack and then I'd be like I need my balls drained. I'm about to slip it through the grapevine. I need a nut.

Real bad. One last time. I would love to be like an old guy dying, but it's like a decade of him in the home. And I just fucking torture my kids. They have no clue what the outcome is going to be. I don't let anyone know. It's just a nightmare for them. I've told you I would love to just be so fucked up They have no clue what the outcome is going to be. Like, I don't let anyone know.

It's just a nightmare for them. I've told you I would love to just be so fucked up that it's a real problem for people. Yeah. Yeah. And I could just like really be like, oh, sorry, do you got, I can't cut the line. Right. Yeah. You see, I have no hands. You see that I'm a torso.

Okay. Can I hop in front of you? Can I hop in front of you? Because I'm a pillow sack. Yeah. And then you look up and then you go, why don't you pick me up, faggot? It's your problem. I'm missing my legs.

Why don't you pick me up and bring me to the front of the line, asshole? Why don't you suck me off? I have no legs and arms. Yeah, and why don't you suck me off, too? Just the fucking a pushy a pushy torso. Yeah, because what would you do

yeah I would just be a huge asshole all the time you can't be like hey that torso's a piece of shit yeah you can't talk shit about him

yeah well you fight him there was a guy in a wheelchair with uh he had something in comedy I forget his name he got in like

a beef with me online he like started attacking me online you know who I'm talking about I'm gonna pretend I don't you kinda know right

I think I do but there's a couple people in wheelchairs dude in comedy with MS or something roast battley guy yeah i think i know yeah so i don't know what i don't know i didn't thanks for nailing it down you know handicap handicap guy at roast battle which one we'll never know to make it clear forgot his name yeah i don't remember anything totally forget i don't met him i don't know if i've ever met him actually he just started viciously attacking me on facebook like five six years ago for something i don't know i think i made dc oh yeah we were in dc i made like a joke about somebody being in a wheelchair but it had nothing to do with anything

oh i remember it actually it was something to do with uh like a comedy maybe and then like a receiver catching with no yeah. Yeah, yeah, like on funny comics or something like they're like the equivalent of like a wide receiver with no arms or something. Right, sure.

Something like that. Some dumb female comedians. Some dumb, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And he just like started like shitting on me and I was like, am I in a fight

with a handicapped person right now? And he just kept bothering me and I started like viciously attacking him. I think one point i was like dude your voice the text is insane right now like and then i think i ended it with like listen man i just want you to know i will never give you a push because he was just really being so mean you have done that a couple times you like really got at people who have to be fair, got at you first. They came at me first and I finish it. You've really attacked them in a way where it's like,

oh, we've all wanted to say that. You're the king of the screenshots sent to a group chat. Devin's always getting in a scuffle with someone and then he's like, wait, what? He's blind in one eye? Are you fucking kidding me? I made a mom joke to a kid

and they were like, his mom died three weeks ago and i was like now well well i fucked her it's a generic like your mama you know sure right i was like so well you know yeah fuck her corpse yeah you just gotta double down you gotta you gotta go full trump yeah exactly just lean in yeah lean in but yeah i'd fuck you again i won't do it it's really weird when you're in moments where you're like this is out of like curb you're like i'm like a weird larry david character yeah yeah like people were calling me like like like like all my black friends were like you're in a fight with this like what the fuck are you doing i'm like i didn't start it i'm defending my honor the fuck you know yeah you're beefing all handicapped comedians yeah yeah i always think

i always think it mad it was almost a bit i wanted to do one time but the comedy will rot your brain to the point where you get pissed at comedians with handicaps for crushing yeah yeah this will be the deaf guy it'll go up he's gonna be like i can't hear you and be like no really i can't hear you and you're like it's just so mad comics with like clef palette yeah it's just what are you doing this to us for then you always have to lift them up on stage right it's like jesus christ i've yeah it makes you an ass like comedy makes you such a piece of shit you're like god damn it i gotta fucking lift you up i refused one time yeah i think i've told you about that at a show i used to help work at it was going to be one of those people and i

said i'm not going to well that's the weird thing is that because it's like okay you have sympathy you're like oh this is great you know he's trying let's yeah let's help him and then they a lot of times these handicapped comics that we get on stage and they're like all women are whores and black people should be killed. And you're like, everyone's gotta be like, hey, come on. He's in a wheelchair.

Let him spew hate speech. Lift him up there. I have seen that before. Like, you go to like Costa Mesa or something. You go to Costa Mesa and there's like little crippled Hitler

on stage. And everyone has to be like, come on. I mean, he's in it. Look at him. It is so funny yeah he's got the arm braces and then he walks up just like

which in costa mesa would probably crush oh yeah um just hitler at an open mic oh what was it didn't you follow a guy in cost Mesa one time? I followed a guy who did a basically, you know, like one of those bits where you just say a bunch of things in a row, like very quickly, and it gets an applause break. He did that with every racial slur that exists. It was George Carlin. It was basically doing a Carlin type bit, but it was much more ignorant. It was like, he was like this. I was talking to this woman and I called her a bitch.

She's like, you can't call me a bitch. And I was like, oh yeah. And then this woman and I called her a bitch. She's like, you can't call me a bitch. And I was like, oh, yeah. And then he literally said every slur. Yeah. Like hard are every like everything, you know, Chinese. And then it like and then he got an applause break. Yeah. Like he crowd surf.

He crowd. He basically could have it. I remember I looked at there was one black guy in the whole crowd. I looked at him. He was like, he's like, come on, man. I remember I was there and I was like bombing one time because they have TVs on too. And I

was like, look at this. I'm doing so bad. The black guy's watching hockey and all the white people were like, and that was the every one of them came up to me after they're like, love that thing with the black and I'm like, I got it. I can't do comedy anymore. This is absurd. No, you really could start a rally if you wanted.

It's crazy out there, dude. Oh, man. Yeah, I remember I had a bit. I don't even remember what the joke was, but it was basically like, oh, you should never say a gay slur. But, and then it was like some jokey, I don't know, some hacky thing. And then I said it in Costa Mesa. I said, you should never say a gay slur.

And then I started to get booed by the audience for saying, I was like, I was about to say it in the punchline. I was doing the fake thing at the start. God, you impatient. You impatient. I was about to say it. Yeah. I have to tell this joke in Echo Park tomorrow.

So this is the setup. God, what a hell that was. What a hell. You would go to these places like San Diego or whatever, and you could get away with murder and then you come back to la and everyone's like yeah you're like evil just brutal yeah you're under some christmas lights you can perform for fucking grimace in a bikini just these fucking just every all all the comedy in la was just like it was just a bunch of like young adult novel characters just a bunch of people that were like in Fault Behind Our Stars.

It's people who Stalin would have sent to the camps. It's people who are detrimental to society. For their improv. For their theater kid energy. Stalin would have been like, I hate this energy. Yeah, yeah. People who literally have given nothing back to society. Yeah.

And we meshed well with them. We got along great with all the GoFundMe kids. Oh, yeah. All the comics set up. You know, everybody like once a month would be like, guys, I have like a couple parking tickets. Like, there's a GoFundMe. Like, I have some like, when I pee, it hurts sometimes.

So, like, maybe you guys could just like use that to make yourself feel better about sending me thousands of dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, guys, I haven't worked in seven years, and unfortunately, that has come to rear its head now. Yeah. Well, there's, you know, we don't name names. I think we brought it up one time,

but, like, there was the guy that, he was like, we would water the streets, and everyone would get nervous that he's going to kill himself. So they set up a go-for-me for him to take his money and go home, and then he just took the money and stayed doing comedy in L.A. Yeah, he just kept it. And then he'd aggressively post about it like, stop telling me to move home, alright?

It's not gonna happen. Not gonna happen. Anyway. Not gonna happen. I remember it was so funny how quickly people would set up GoFundMes for other people. I remember one comic went missing and then later figured out she was just in Vegas on drugs and her phone died. But somebody set up just a GoFundMe for her because she'd been missing for seven hours right right i was like so

does that money am i keeping that where's that going where's that going you know to be fair i set up a home uh go find me for a homeless guy's dog and i gave him all the money i'm pretty sure he od'd on heroin from him so really you think no, no. He definitely used it to buy heroin, though. Yeah. Yeah. I don't help out people because then it's unfair to arrest. You're not helping. That's my strategy. It really showed me how wrong I was to help him. Yeah.

Yeah. It's mean to the other people. Because he showed up really fucked up the next day and then was like, can I have some more GoFundMe money? And I was like, dude, no. I mean me money and i was like dude no i mean he used it on the dog he like the dog got better so it didn't die but it was just like dude you were fucking you were and then i saw a guy it was like this business complex i used to work at i i was i knew the owners of one of the other businesses and we were talking to the guy and the owner

offered him a job and the homeless guy was like i think i'm good man it's like you live on a on a mattress under an overpass yeah well what are you doing and that's why rick caruso needs to kill these people they don't want to work jace i mean they don't want to work can i say it was kind of honestly like one of the first moments it was one of the first moments where i was like it's not a good sign yeah not a good sign yeah homeless people turn down a job spending all my gofundme money on on heroin yeah yeah you can't i mean yeah like most of them are hooked on some sort of drug right here's the thing we we say up front the same thing like i understand people have mental illnesses i understand people have addiction issues that's very sad and there's everyone else that being said get a fucking job get off the streets you know homeless people always have like uh the sane ones who probably could hold a job always have like some

like good have some homeless logic as to like why and when you hear it you're like that sounds kind of good they're like might take the fucking job be like nah because i'm worried that like with my problem i'll steal and you seem like a good person. Great. They should start a podcast. And fuck your business up. Well, there's like tears. There's the homeless guy, New York homeless guy,

where he's just naked, covered in piss, just going, rah! Yeah. Also a DLA homeless guy. That guy, just put him down. And not for us, for him, because he's in hell. Just please kill that guy yeah and then like the guys with mental illnesses and stuff you can maybe treat them and probably get them better but i do feel like there are some people who just are like yeah i just don't want to like

live in the system or whatever and i get it well it's fascinating how la has handled it because i mean they're you're in like nice neighborhoods now where they've been... I was in the arts district yesterday and I'm at a hip coffee shop and all these people on their laptops and there's just a guy with his dick out who looks like he's from Mad Max standing directly in front of all these people and everyone's just on their laptops.

It's very dystopian. I'm writing my screenplay. I got one better for you. Last weekend, John and I bartended at that event very dystopian i'm adding my screenplay yeah i got i got one better for you last weekend john and i bartended at that event and it was for some kind of like california dnc thing like i don't know what it was and they're literally like talking in uh like their rhetoric saying things like and for the homeless or i mean the uh unhoused neighbors that will take care in union station you can like hear a guy screaming outside of the venue wailing wailing and the an actual mayor like i don't know which one i'm not i'm

not not naming because i'm scared i've legitimately don't know which one but some mayor of some city in california is up there saying like and our unhoused neighbors and we need to take care of people and women need small businesses and whatever the she's giving her speech about and just like the the most disgusting yeah it just piss is wafting in yeah from the other side there is something about the homeless guy yell from a distance that's so funny yeah just the screaming not close up because that's terrifying but like three blocks away you just hear you know what i terrifying. But like three blocks away, you just hear, ah! You know what I hear a lot?

You also just hear, there'll always be a dude repeating some very aggressive, you know, swear. You'll just hear Elf in the distance like, bitch! Yeah. Bitch! Yeah. I'll kick your motherfucking ass. You know, like that.

Over and over again. Just a homeless guy in the distance. Caruso! fucking you know like that over and over again almost guy in the distance he's gonna run me over with his trolley from the americana yeah downtown's just so bad the last time i went downtown a guy tried to fight me i was just standing i was waiting for a friend on the street corner the guy gave me the i get this all the time where a guy is convinced i'm the cops but he's like I'm too slick to get caught by the cops I'm like you're just on heroin man

I'm not a cop and he's just doing these like why are you eyeballing me man downtown LA is an utter shithole I'm like I'm not eyeballing you it's an utter shithole it has none of the charm of New York you can't park though it has all the buildings and just everyone's insane

but it's like fake the fashion district makes no sense there's like fake. You go to the girls, it's six. The fashion district makes no sense. There's like a woman in like a really nice dress and there's like a guy like eating a bird next to her. Like it's the weirdest neighborhood ever. Yeah. LA's fashion district, they just like roll you in toilet paper.

Like that, you know, I forgot the name of it. Mummify? Yeah, they're like, it's just a bunch of people getting mummified and they're like, it's the new bunch of people getting mummified and they're like, it's the new style. Yeah. It's all it is. It's like white tees.

I tried to, I tried to go down there to buy jeans once because I thought I was going to be slick. I was like, I'll go to the, I'll go, I'll cut the middleman. There's nothing down there. I went to a jeans warehouse and I walk, I was like, can I buy jeans here? And the guy was like, he's like, come on, get in the back. And I was like, is there, he's like, show me the jeans of my size. I was like, is there a changing room?

He goes, just change, change right now. Right here. And he was like so aggressive. I was like, okay. And then I just changed in front of him. And like, I was like, these are good. How much? 50 bucks?

Great. We were filming part of that indie movie in downtown for like a couple weeks. And the director of the movie uh he he always like tucks in his shirt like to his pants and he pulled his pants are real high like kind of old-timey sure and he uh he's got a good uh like a like a butt like a bubble butt he's got like a good ass kind of for a guy i don't know sweet ass and we were filming in the you know in a lot of homeless neighborhoods and it was a really, really long day. I remember we were ending a shot and walking over.

He has his headphones on. There was this homeless guy that had been harassing us the whole day. As the director walked by, he goes, Fuck out of here, fat-ass faggot! We all couldn't help but laugh. It was so funny. That's so funny. The fact that he's insane,

like he's having visions, but he's still like, damn, you got a fatty. And you're gay for making me notice. You're gay for turning me on right now. I don't know. I envy homeless people's productivity, though. Yeah, that's true.

Because it's like everything we do is kind of meaningless, you know? Homeless people are very... There's days where I wake up and I'm like, I don't know what to do today. But then I look at a homeless guy and he's just holding a bunch of old Backstreet Boys shirts and he's like, I got to get these shirts to Corona by noon.

And you're like, I don't know. He's got a big day ahead of him. I'm a loser. Just pedaling a little bicycle. A tricycle with a bunch of cans in his backpack. He's like, I gotta get to Pasadena by 3pm

or else my mother is killed. You're like, what a day ahead of you. I gotta get to the needle exchange by 2pm. What is time? This guy going insane. I look at their spots sometimes, too, like where they live. And I'm like, it's pretty nice. It's not too bad.

It's kind of nice. Whenever I see a homeless person with a fire and they're making some beans, I'm like, you're like John Wayne or something. Like a movie. You're a cowboy. You're a goddamn cowboy. You're a 405 cowboy. I've considered doing the van thing for a little bit.

Really? Just to save up money. Just to rent your place out and just sleep in the van? Yeah, just sleep in the van, yeah. I've known some people that have done that. Some van life. Yeah, I feel like I could do that, honestly. It's not that.

It depends how comfortable, like what type of van you get. Real small. Real small. Japanese. How much extra would you really be making, though? You have to still pay your rent. How much extra would you really be making though? You have to pay still pay your rent. Like how much more would the same me like seven hundred eight hundred a month, you know,

and that's like a tank of gas for the van. Yeah, I know it's very impressed. I mean, yeah, it's just the idea of like escape kiss right away. You can escape this grind, but you can't so suck it up and shut up. Don't be homeless if you can. You're just

doing it because you're so defiant against the Adam Ruins Everything guy. Yeah. He had something about van life is stupid and there's a lot of homeless people in LA. Oh, is he saying people doing van life? He's like, stop your hipster bullshit. There's people that really need help and live in van life. So he's saying van life is like

homeless appropriation. Pretty much, yeah. But why can't people go do that if they have the money to go look what if they just like wildlife right yeah you're only allowed to be homeless if you're a legitimate danger to yourself and others yeah that's what he's saying right he's like all these van life people they should start doing heroin right if you really want it uh if you don't look like you're in death grips don't become homeless would you live it yeah I know that is a hack bit

but I'm always amazed how fit homeless people are yeah a lot of the time they walk all the time yeah but it's like

they'll literally have like abs and like pecs and you know muscles and stuff it's crazy sometimes I'll fucking I'll be driving

and I'll like homeless people wearing yoga pants. Would you cut that out? I just wasted my double take. I thought you were like, look at that. She's eating a squirrel. LA is just a nightmare.

You can't turn any street you you turn down you're just like oh there's right there's yeah there's really good pockets you just have to stay away from a lot of areas yeah like downtown hollywood that whole van eyes should be burned to the ground van eyes is an utter shithole yeah it has no identity is a shithole that's where richie and i work it is the creep it's so creepy yeah it it feels like everyone a shit hole that's where richie and i work it is the creep it's so creepy yeah it it feels like everyone you talk to is involved with some sort of human trafficking everybody even the guy at 7-eleven you're like are you like a kingpin yeah and some sort of it could be the emptiest street in the world and it's still full of trash and shit everywhere it's

brutal it sucks it's terrible it's somehow always 115 degrees in Van Nuys. Yep, it could be dead of winter. Yeah, you could be in Reseda, it'd be 87. It's 115 in Van Nuys. And it takes forever to drive through. Yeah. It just is never, it never ends. I hate it so much.

I hate it. If I lived in Van Nuys, I would kill myself. I literally would be like, I don't want to do this anymore if I had to live there. I would, in my suicide note, I'd be like, had to live in Van Nuys. I killed myself because there's another thing it's like that thing where you're like you like talking shit about la because you live here but then people you know i know people back home and they're like oh you live in that fucking hipster you know gay homeless people i was like this it was a beautiful day today you know there's a lot of nice areas i had

sushi it's tremendous yeah yeah you can't do that in texas if you're in the right part yeah you can't eat some bat sushi yeah what are you talking about yeah you fry an armadillo you fucking retard texas sucks yeah texas does every place every place sucks every no place is good yeah except for la and new york yeah look at how great la is all we do is talk about like homeless people trying to kill us all the time you can't everything's expensive but yet you're still like we still all love it here because it's sunny out and there's a nice breeze because it's like if i live in dallas it's like okay i go to the cheesecake factory and then i kill myself like that's literally all there is to do yeah i mean the cheesecake factory

what a place it is great love but it's so high in calories it's crazy they'll have plates there that are 4 000 calories i'm not even kidding the penne carbonara at a cheesecake factory is i think 3 800 calories which is double your daily recommended calorie intake you know one bowl of pasta that That's insane. What are they putting in it? What's more in the pasta? It's literally designed to send it to Africa to feed to the little big belly kids.

There's a sign at this fucking owl thing's been up. God damn killer. There's a sign at every cheesecake factory when you walk in that just says like warning like cancer is in all the food and everyone's like yeah yeah warning you're at a cheesecake factory there's cigarettes in the burner and it's so funny because it's the interior is always so

nice for such a lovely it's a nice interior and then it's a microwave plastic bag food but you can tell it's plastic bag food it's like what trump thinks like a fine dining restaurant basically it's like but i loved it as a kid we would oh my god yeah when you're a kid that's like the epitome of class i feel so bad for some of the waiters we had like when i was like middle school you'd get like you'd you'd get like 20 bucks from your mom on a friday night and you're like we're gonna go to the mall we're gonna see a fucking movie we're gonna go to the cheesecake factory or in islands right but if we were really like we're going to go to the mall and we're going to see a fucking movie and we're going to go to the Cheesecake Factory or an Island's. But if we were really splurging, we'd go to the Cheesecake Factory.

So it's a bunch of fucking little retards going to the Cheesecake Factory all hoping to get jacked off by their 7th grade girlfriends while we see fucking Alpha Dog or some movie. And we go to the Cheesecake Factory before it acts like we're like people, you know? And I have friends ordering the shrimp scampi

and shit and then we all pull our money together at the end when we get the bill and we're like people sure you know and i have like friends ordering like the shrimp scampi and shit and not and then we all pull our money together at the end when we get the bill we're like we literally have like exactly what we just run out no never tipped like god and that happens all the time probably cheesecake factory my friends we went to prom and we was like 20 people we went to chili's and my friends did that nobody tipped and i felt so bad that i i paid for like the tip that's nice yeah because i had some extra cash on me yeah but it was like i just couldn't believe it i even told i was even like are you guys not gonna tip and they're like no fuck that why do i gotta tip they literally did the reservoir dog scene we had i had no concept of anybody's yeah i was just like you're a fucking waiter your Your life is great. Right. See, I was born a million years old.

You're not in school. I was like, you're not in school. You're free. Yeah, you don't have homework. I thought everyone's serving me. I was like, you're lucky you didn't go through my day. I'm in high school, you asshole. You know what is funny?

I still would not, I would still prefer any day of work to any day of school. Honestly. And 100 million percent. Yeah. There's something about school just being told what to do and having no power or anything. If I don't work, I can go buy heroin and do it. It's amazing.

The freedom we have every day. I can wake up and be like, I can drive anywhere I want. Yeah. I can go do anything. I can call it sick. Go get a hooker. Get my dick sucked right now.

If I wanted to in school, it was like, you had, you can do, you had to get a ride to your friend's house. You had to do schemes to get out of school. Yeah, your fucking mom had to drive you in your Volvo

to your friend's house. You had to get out of your shitty Volvo with your Keep Tahoe Blue sticker on the back. And then you had to fucking get a ride back. Carpool. It's brutal. Carpooling. You're just stuck there. Carpool. It's brutal. Carpooling. You're just stuck there.

Carpooling's when your parents are just like, I don't know, just fucking find some family and go with them. I hated school so much. I used to pray. Every morning, if the phone rang

before I got in the car with my mom in my house, I'd be like, maybe they're calling to say it's over. I would repeatedly wake up and I'm like, what if the school maybe burned down or something? Pray for it constantly.

Anytime there was a tornado, I was like, please, dear God, hit the school. Constantly. Please kill people in the school. I used to literally, I'm not kidding, I was so depressed in school a couple times, I was like, I hope somebody shoots it up. I was like, I mean, we'd get like a week off,

wouldn't we, or something? Dude, I remember, and this was like, because it was my dad always, he was a coach, so he was always, whatever high school was like, I mean, we'd get like a week off, wouldn't we? Dude, I remember, and this was like, because it was my dad always, he was a coach. So he was always, whatever high school was at, I was at. And we were going to a new school. And the week before we got there, they had a horrific tornado, like, like rip the roofs off blue. It like fucked some kids up because windows like blew open, like shattered and like sliced kids up.

Yeah. And it fucked the school up so much that they announced, they're we're gonna have to delay school by four weeks and me and my dad were like like i'm high-fiving my dad my grown-ass dad dude i was i would at the end of the day i was so depressed i would i would stand like waiting to get picked up and i would look all the cars like passing and i would literally i would, man, if I just ran in front of that and broke my right arm, I wouldn't have to do any work. I literally would have in Big Daddy

when he jumps in front of the car to make the kid laugh. I thought maybe if it's not going too fast, I was like, I want my right arm to be broken. Because I had school and then I also had, I was so heavy into athletics because i was like drilled into me so as you do a whole day of school and then literally you do

like football basketball baseball golf and it would literally just be a grown man you're 15 and a grown man is yelling at you calling you a faggot and a pussy and a bitch until you cry and then he calls you a faggot for crying. And you're like, yeah, I would literally be like, I was like, well, I'm going to kill myself one day. That's going to happen. It was brutal. I think if high school was... Can you imagine you walking up to a 15 year old and just screaming at him?

Never in a million years. And I went to that type of school where it was kind of militant. All the alumni worked there now just so they could shit on the underclass. Like, fucking freshmen. It's like a 40 year old man. It's like teaching a class, like fucking hate fucking freshmen.

It's like all Ben Affleck's in days of confusion. It's like, yeah, what the hell? Like you're like a 45 year old guy. You want to like paddle a kid. You want to hit a kid in the ass with a paddle, you freak. I had fantasies throughout my entire 20s of like going back and just like

dressing down fighting every single teacher because I wish I had the fortitude like at that age to be like hey man you make like thirty thousand dollars a year your life sucks you fucked everything up you should kill yourself like just throw it back at them yeah yeah you didn't know I hated when they when they had tricks too like where it was like like you know their teachers are basically just like hack comedians like they have they have an act and they do it every year for 30 years yeah and i this one guy this i think my algebra teacher he did this thing where he like bet the kids like he could do a backflip he's like a little fat guy we're like you can't do a backflip you fucking idiot so like i bet him like all my lunch money and then his backflip was he

got on the on this chair and then he just jumped off the back of it flipping us off and all the kids were like oh hilarious and then he like took my money and I was like no I got in a huge fight with him I think I got like detention I was like that's bullshit you just took my money with your bad joke

what is he a carny what is he doing I don't know he was like trying to make some I don't know play three card money with you guys... He played three-card money with you guys? But then there were all the kids that liked that shit. Right. Any kid, if nobody did homework and you spoke up and you said you did it and then we all got failed, that kid should be fucking put down. Yeah.

I still hate that kid to this day. That and I was always really... We had kids, because it was in the country, we had kids who like parents were just like meth addicts and like in jail and they would come to school and they were like all fucked up looking like I remember one kid like shaved a Hitler mustache into his forehead, completely shaved head. And then sorry, just a Hitler mustache. And he's like, it's for Hitler. And I was like, Jesus, I got that much.

Okay. They would like heat up. They'd heat up fucking hangers in ag class. And like brand each other? And they were brandy. They'd be like, put a dick on each other and they'd be like,

this is badass. And they'd go home and their dads would just beat the shit out of them. You can't even. It was terrifying. You can't even blame them. Yeah.

Their life is so horrible. They're like, I don't know. I like it. Hitler seems cool. School sucks so bad. I like Hitler. You're forcing around people whose dads beat them and they're addicted to pills. Dude.

Oh, it's brutal. It's terrible. I saw like. And there's no point for it at all. You gain nothing. I literally saw teachers starting to fight kids after class. I'm like, what the hell? One of my teachers threw a retarded guy into a wall.

What? I'm not kidding. Tell that story. What the hell? Contextualize. We had a mentally handicapped gentleman named James. And James was, I think I've said on this podcast, he was, you see this sometimes with handicapped people.

He was so horny that he, to look down, he was short. So to look around girls' shirts, he always walked on his tiptoes around the hallways. So he had these huge, like jacked calves and no other muscle on his body. And he just walked on, he walked on his, he walked on his tiptoes everywhere like a rooster. It was crazy. He, he did the classic thing a couple of times where he got up and had a boner and tried to hug a girl. And she was like, oh.

It was just out or something. He was just grabbing himself through his jeans. What are you going to do? So anyway, sorry. I'm getting off base here. We had another teacher, not Mr. Lippy,ppy whatever his name was he was a very old guy history teacher and he was like james you need to get out of your desk and james like no i won't do it mr lippy that's how he talked he goes get out of the desk he goes no you can't make me and then

mr lippy went over mr guppy sorry mr guppy came over and just like all right you're gonna get out and then he like yanked his seat and then james just like into the wall like his head went into the wall oh my god and he just kind of fell down and crumpled and the teacher getting any trouble no not at all what a life oh man uh you know what's funny is everybody hated the kids so much that they kind of were like, didn't care. They were like, we get it. He needs some tough love. He needs to get smacked around a little bit. We probably were the last age group where it's like,

if you heard about someone who still beat their kids, you were like, most people don't do that anymore. But like, what am I supposed to do? You know, he's raising his kids. I remember moving out here and describing getting spanked to people and they're like, that's child abuse. I was like,

I don't think it is. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's not child abuse. My dad just ritualistically hit me with a slab of wood. It's not child abuse.

Because I was doing wrong. Because you were a freshman. Right. Yeah. No, it's not child abuse. My mom would just hit me with her ring on her finger my dad put his cigarette out on me but i did it's because i was being bad because i didn't practice piano long enough it was. Yeah. So my mom had to pull the thing down on top of my fingers. You know, but we're all still here.

We're all breathing, folks. Listen, we're survivors. Oh, man. But yeah, just every time we always end up talking about school. I know. Yeah. It was such a traumatizing time. It's crazy. I can't even believe how much of my life was wasted yeah i remember asking a kid

and like i think i was in like fourth grade i was like i was like how long is this and he's like well it's fifth grade and then sixth grade and then seventh grade and then ninth grade and tenth grade and eleventh grade and twelfth grade and i was like this is i i can't this is like finding out you you like you're gonna die yeah yeah it's like as existential you're like so i have no control over the next like 14 years like well that was brutal yeah when you were in first grade and you're like i got what fucking 16 more years of this it's a sentence yeah it really is it's literally a it's a jail it's jail but you're allowed like goldfish and chocolate milk. Yeah, childhood is prison.

Yeah. I mean, and then when you're home from school, you just like whatever crapshoot you got with your family, which could be even worse than school sometimes. Yeah, and then maybe your family would take you to like Legoland. You could like drive that car be like so this is what people with freedom do and you go right back to your cage man you just stuck i just went to church for seven hours every week

in addition to school i had church on top of it seven hours every week sundays where we had sundays were shot you do morning and evening service. What? Four hours. Oh, my God. So really you had one day off. Yeah, really, yeah. Why don't the adults, how come none of them just never wake in the middle of it?

You do this for seven hours? I mean, we get it. Enough. What a belief. They really believe. Yeah, yeah, it's wild. Do you have any do you have any religious beliefs well i believe that yourself well i mean to put it simply i

believe that a evil scientist named yakub invented white people in africa about three thousand years ago right right but the same other than that yeah no i mean i'm i'm a spiritual person for sure i definitely i feel like when people say they're spiritual, that just means like after a long day, they like hold their steering wheel and they sigh really loud. They're like, I'm spiritual. Like at the end of a long day,

I'll go like, and then you go to work. You have to leave like fall. I drink. I'm spiritual. I light a candle and I drink white wine sometimes. I drink kombucha.

Yeah. I've saved my house spiritual you know i drink a lot of like there's a lot of drinks at like whole foods that have like an indian woman with nine arms on the front of them i'm spiritual i drink those i shop at sprouts wish i was rich enough to shop at whole foods i'm spiritual i have an orange i'm holding i'm spiritual i smell fruit i'm spiritual fruit yeah i light incense to cover up the smell of shit in my bathroom i'm spiritual you know i don't i don't i don't have the energy to buy deodorant sometimes i light a match i blow it out and i i try and get the smoke under my pits i'm spiritual just a bunch of it just descends

into i'm spiritual i live in a tent yeah i bathe in a truck stop restroom i'm spiritual call me spiritual i just love being out of nature i walk around union station every day trying to fight people spiritual i've been arrested about 800 times spiritual shot 10 people in buffalo i've crossed the city of la over a million dollars in medical benefits i'm spiritual drink a gallon of burnett today i'm pretty spiritual no no i i mean i i i definitely believe in some like there's definitely like a you know taking care of yourself feeling good treating people good yeah being better and then you know maybe when you die there's something but probably not but who knows i don't know the only the only thing that made me think maybe there's something else

was mushrooms yeah that was the only time that's the only experience i've ever had where i'm like all right yeah maybe we're on to something here but then it's and i also give into the whole thing of like there is definitely a like i pray yeah because i think honestly just even if it's bullshit i think it is kind of good for you it's like to for your own brain to like yeah and i think to at least pretend you believe in something bigger than yourself yeah right i think it's just good for your brain you know it's like eating broccoli or something i mean it's a pretty absurd thing to think that like all of this happened for nothing that's also just as absurd as believing in like a god right sure you know yeah but then the idea of heaven it's like what do you do you know we

need you need finality in life to even know why you're enjoying heaven like what like how do you just keep enjoying heaven if you're if it's just great forever i used to get panic attacks about that i was a kid in church and i was like i was like i was like forever i was like it's got to feel bad after a certain point i used to drive myself crazy with that i want to believe in heaven but it just doesn't even i don't get it how do we just party forever yeah how do we know how to enjoy things if we are always having enjoyment it is very funny funny to take a kid and basically put a completely fake

belief system in it and then see it grapple with the logic problem of it. It's almost like short-circuiting a computer, giving it faulty inputs or something. It's just kind of interesting, almost scientifically. Did you ever

have an existential crisis where you're like, fuck, there's probably no, you start freaking out about death and everything? Yeah, all the time. I mean, especially when I was just getting sent around everywhere when I was younger, and then I just have time to sit there and just think about it. What's the point?

Yeah, what's the point of anything? Yeah. I remember my youngest brother realizing that we all are going to die one day. Yeah. We were watching that movie, What Lies Beneath, the Harrison Ford movie with Michelle. Do you know the movie I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so, yeah.

And it was like, it was talking, you know, the lady dies in the lake or whatever. And then my youngest brother, not Ben, my youngest brother, he was like five. And he goes, what? What happens? Is grandma going to die one day and my mom just being like yes she is and he was being like but she doesn't go to church so is she going to heaven and my mom's like well we don't know and then i'm just being it's just he's just started like screaming he was like just distraught yeah yeah my i remember my the thought that that

i i had him a couple times and then i would just like move on from them as a kid yeah yeah i remember my the thought that that i i had them a couple times and then i would just like move on from them as a kid and then i remember it all everything crumbled in my brain like i had like a night where i just i couldn't sleep and i just kept thinking couldn't shake it the next i just kept connecting the dots where i'm like okay but wait there's other planets and we're just the planet but how are we so we're not special like there's a million like right and then that just triggered this thing, and it was like this, just all the blood left my head. And I had, like, two, three months where I was, like, I was so depressed. Like catatonic?

Catatonic, yeah. My parents were, like, afraid to leave me alone and shit. I had that in college. That's cool, man. Yeah, it was pretty sick. Right after high school? I was like, yeah, AJ Soprano, you know? Yeah.

You gotta need that phase, honestly. You're kind of like a complete idiot if you don't. You need to have an existential face. I had it in college because I started learning so much about the Bible. You learn so much about the Bible, you realize it's not true. It's just made up.

It's the Council of Nigeria. They just picked random books. It's the most famous book club of all time. I wanted to kind of believe in the Bible. Like, you know, I went to Catholic school. I didn't know anything about Jesus or anything. Being Catholic's fun.

I wasn't raised religious. It is fun. It's like, it's like you don't really have to participate. You don't have to like do anything of the rules, but you just pretend, you just go to mass. And then as a adult,

you get to be like, grew up Catholic. Grew up Catholic. That one got me started. You're like, hey, I'm Catholic. All the women are whores. They're whoresores they fuck the kids

we're all drunk yeah it's fine we have nine kids and everyone dies in house fires uh but yeah like i just i wanted to get into it but i remember like the year of bible lit class that i had and i wasn't even trying to hate it yeah i think it's stupid i legitimately was like it was like five six months into the school year and I'm like, every time this dude gets up and tells us to open our Bibles, it's like, every story is like, so then the angels came down

and raped everyone. It was just non-stop rape. It was crazy. It was wild stuff. And Jesus is a bore. I remember being like, the Bible professors being like, so how do we know that the Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, how do we know they're right?

And then people raise their hand. They're like, well, they were written when Jesus was around, so they should be the accounts of what happened. And him going like, actually, the Gospels were written about 300 to 400 years after the death of Jesus. And you could see a whole 400 kids in a classroom, all raised Christian, did not know that. And them all learning that at the same time. And people just kind of being like, like when you show like a dog a magic trick.

They're just upset and like it kind of like changes their world. Yeah, yeah. And it was fun we got to watch about 4 000 people in my class slowly stop believing in god over four years it was fun yeah people responded very differently to that some people dug in harder some people became more religious yeah yeah i remember from a very young age just not buying it like being at passover when i was like seven and them going through like the low then the locusts came and then jews had to put blood i'm like this is what yeah well also in judaism the story i've ever heard also in judaism aren't they like well it's all we all know it's

fake like that's the service they're like it's all fake guys come on yeah it's a way to live your life and uh stick together i also didn't like this is guys we all know this is about controlling the weather. Yeah. The only books I liked reading as a kid were like those books where every page had like a picture on it too, like Call of the Wild, you know, those like, and the Bible had no pictures.

No pictures, yeah. No pics. I had the Extreme Teen Bible, which had a skateboard on the cover. Ooh. Yeah, Extreme Teen Bible, and sometimes it would cherry pick verses to convert into teen speak

that was like Jesus said, lol speak the the Hasidic Jew podcast. I was there's a Hasidic Jew podcast. They rap and then he's like rapping the story

from the Bible. They have Brendan Schaub on. Pull it up. Oh boy. Jewish freestyle rap, Logbaumer. While they waited, they sat naked with sand up to their necks to protect their garments

from getting wrecked. Only put on clothes when it was time to pray while they stayed in that cave and studied all day. Twelve years they lived there on their own. Welcome to the pod. That was sick. One of his biggest battles was against the powers of Rome. The bridges and the markets. Charisma is what the Hussites are known for. So these are Uyghur Hussites?

I don't know what you call those. These two guys just run the podcast. And then the guy rapping, I guess, is their guest. He is, yes, a Uyghur Hasid. Right. Okay. All right. A Hasid.

I'm getting heavy Mark vibes, honestly, just for this podcast. I didn't mean that as an insult. I'm just saying the combination of Uyghurism and Judaism. Sorry, please continue. They're in front of a bunch of Torahs and shit. They all look like Action Bronson a little. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

He's wiser than you or I. He was a true believer and overachiever from the yeshiva of Rebbe Akiva. Oh my God. Rebbe Akiva. But Rebbe Akiva kept on preaching in prison and still taught students until the Romans

had him tortured and killed. And it was after Rebbe Ishimaru and Rebbe Yossi were discussed. You would have said that the Romans were sweet for building bathhouses bridges and streets yosi sat silently he heard everything he said but he spoke no word i like him i think he can hear a weird little freaky white boy i like that boy they made for their own interest he got

the same hair as superfly the bathhouses just for themselves to wash and the bridges are to tax all those who cross when the romans heard how it seems like there's just such a lack of fun if you're this religious i know yeah ever have fun it's crazy ever yeah ever ever these people ever let live do you think they fuck really good though i bet they really fuck it's just so weird when people like devote lives to, like, life is hard enough. Now you're going to have a bunch of more rules. Yeah.

We already have rules from the government and the state. You have more rules. Playing the hardest difficulty. Yeah. On life. We have a lot of fun at weddings. We do the dance. And haven't you seen us with the chair?

No, it's great. We do the dance. They put the meme music over the top of us on the internet they only celebrate when someone's like really signed a contract to never change and then they're like yeah you really fucked yourself over this time

we love subjugation now you're married and do it you're fucked I had a Chinese cab driver in New York and he started talking about the Hussites. He wasn't even trying to be mean. He was just like, oh, they're fucking crazy. They suck.

He goes, they're fucking crazy. They stink. He's like, they're up for Trump. And he goes, and they make the wives shave their heads. Right. And then they put wigs on. They fuck the wives with the wigs. He was just genuinely like, let me tell you about what I've seen. It was crazy. You know, they fuck their wives with the way he was just genuinely like let me tell you about what i've seen like it was

like crazy they fucked their wives with the whip yeah just send me like i need to tell you a tale that's very funny yeah just you know and they all i don't know this is yeah it is very funny to see just uh do you ever see that very old this american life story where was all the hasidic people moved up to upstate new york and took over an entire take it down they took again take to get these jews out of here they're ugly they're making me angry they don't look hot they look great is this a video this this american life thing jason um i i cannot tell you how to find it but it was american life is a radio show i mean they include videos sometimes anyway but it's basically it was a hasidic council uh took over a school board in upstate new york because

they just kept having people move up and they could keep electing hasidic people and they started to change the rules to reflect like oh no board meetings on saturday they kept changing stuff to just reflect right well it was literally like a hostile takeover of a public school system and they showed the board meetings like two years into this and people were like trying to be very cordial and it was kind of weird how how like slow you could just see like the first guy just being like yes you're fucking jew and then like everybody went full like anti-semitic with it and then they even air people they're like i'm sorry but it's just like you know it's just i love jewish people there's not the crazy you know yeah yeah because it's that's that's usually not like jews don't usually like make other people care about if other people are

going along with their set of rules or even you know jewish right yeah but if you're just changing the methods of the whole town yeah you know no taking over a town yeah yeah no it was even you like watching it you're like man i feel like such an like an anger that it even like triggers something in like me you know what i mean is acidic jews um are their own thing sure they hate me right apparently according to the seeds they hate me more than anybody because i'm a jewish person who's not well it's it's like seeing somebody and that's like the biggest sin you could ever be i'm ruining judaism yeah it's it's like seeing somebody be the cartoon stereotype of a group of people like in real life that's that's what's kind of crazy about it you know you walk down fairfax and yeah the top hats and stuff it would be like you saw like

a chinese person in la but they're wearing a big rice hat and they're like a rickshaw. Like building a railroad through La Cienega. It is. It's like the ultimate. You're like, what is going on? You're like, you guys are really committed to it. Yeah, when I first saw acidic Jews, I was like, are you guys racist against Jews? I thought they were like.

Yeah, you don't see an Asian guy with the long tail and the shaved head. First acidic Jew I saw, I was like, is that a Sam Hyde character? It is. It is. It's like the ultimate. You really don't see... You see like a black guy, like literally pants around the knees, like big do rag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just kind of scaring everybody. Blasting an air horn. Yeah, exactly. Just turning shopping carts over. do rag yeah yeah yeah like just kind of scaring everybody blasting an air horn yeah exactly just turning shopping carts over yeah and you're like what are you like what are you doing you know yeah anyway delete that part of the podcast delete that part no that's like true though that's why it's so like acidic jews are so they're they're you know when you first you're like what you guys really commit to this shit yeah yeah wow it's just more fascinating to me to see somebody like yeah exemplify that in any group you know yeah and they have so many like

there's so many days or you see a white person who literally talks like hey i'm going to go down to the bank you know right like that type of thing yeah they are they're always going to the bank always going to the bank and it's like why you go there all that you own it and what do you need to keep going like jews like Like Jews on the bank. Right, right, right, right, right. Let's watch more of this little rap. Let's pull something out. I'm getting, I'm sweating.

Watch some more rap. He's good. I walked into weird water, so I'm freaking out now. Was that weird? I don't think so. I don't know. I was just, I got, you know when you're halfway through a thing and you're like, ah, shit, it was explaining the black stereotype.

That's what you just see. I saw, yeah. You had a little existential crisis. I just, my soul leaves my body. Yeah. You were like, this is a black stereotype. And you said something that is not what black people do at all. It's like you see a black man

just talking about roller coasters. Like, wait, my racism's wrong. It's like you see a black man talking about roller coasters. Wait, my racism's wrong. And still, next. He and his son had to hide away. They stayed in the bait midrash each day. His wife would bring them

some water and bread, but he feared they would torture her. Is this on Gas Digital? Yeah, this is what Lewis Gomez is doing. They'll be at Skankfest. they would torture her is this on gas digital yeah this is this is what louis gomez's new podcast all right give it up for our guest zach amico they sat naked with sand up to their necks to protect their garments from getting wrecked only put on clothes when it was time to pray while they stayed in that cave and studied all day 12 years they lived there on their own and secrets were shown to

rebbe shimon the concealed was revealed to bar yo high clear as that day on har seen i all right what is he talking about yeah shut up shut the hell up be a christian shut the hell up jesus lives He died for your sin. He died for you. Then Jesus came and ended all that bullshit. Enough. I couldn't. Yeah. God. Do you remember when everybody was really into the epic rap battles of history?

Everybody thought that was the coolest thing. When people were like, dude, the John McCain Obama one just came out. Are those still on YouTube? I think they're still being made. I think that guy is like a billionaire. Epic rap battles? Epic rap battles. Wait.

Hit world. John Wick versus John Rambo. Five months ago? Donald Trump versus Joe Biden. Yeah. Who cares? That type of stuff. Might as well be jib jabs.

Yeah, exactly. Do you remember that? Yeah. Bing, bong, bong, bong, bong. E-bombs world shit the crazy frog I remember people would be like this grown men would be like this frog is damn crazy

what was that thing on the internet what was that thing where it was the Burger King guy and he's like welcome to Burger King ding foyser dun ding foyser that guy yeah what why did we all like that I don't know I think it was just a retarded guy they were such idiots the I can has cheeseburger memes and stuff like that yeah on earth were we doing yeah what are we talking about man do you remember i remember once while i like to send somebody a

really old meme from like 2008 that's like just like a why you know yeah yeah i don't know where because it's just like you're like oh i forgot that like everybody was fucking into that remember ebom's world i yeah a little bit i didn't get on ebom's world as much it was kind of scared me yeah it was a little racy like the games were kind of crazy but i remember the early days like i think my mom they had like parental controls on the computer i was i didn't know how to delete history so i was always nervous i just went to ebom's world so it looked like i was like playing video games but then which is like it wasn't video games it's like I was playing video games. But then, which is like, it wasn't video games. It's like, shoot, Osama bin Laden in the head 400 times. And they had these trivia games where if you got to the trivia right, the woman would slowly strip and finally be naked.

So it was like, I kind of learned. I learned more by trying to jack off on E-bombs World than I did in school. It was like, I- You learned how Billy Madison learns. Yeah, exactly. I'd be like, I, you learned how Billy Madison learns. Yeah, exactly. I'd be like, if I own,

if I, if I figure out like how the Nepalese, like, you know, the Nepalese fishing methods, she shows her pussy. E bombs world was wild. I remember there was a game where you,

where it was a bunch of like, where it's like a burglar breaks into the house. You're the burglar. I think there's a, there's like a woman and she's trying to rape her, but there's all these bloodhounds in the house. So you have to move all the bloodhounds out of the way and then by the time, if you want it,

it was like he rapes her in a really cartoonish way. Like, giant dick and she's kind of into it and it's like Betty Boop. It was like insane, though. Anyway, back to these views. I don't even know what I'm talking about. The internet was weird, though. I remember the kids who were into pussies always freaked me out.

Still a little bit. People who are into seeing pussies are weird to me. When I was back in the day of jacking off in the heyday with your boys and stuff, I remember there were always those kids that were like, you jack off to porn with dicks in it yeah what are you gay well i remember i would there would be kids would be like i do you ever seen a pussy uh just love that shit so much the smell of the taste like what are you talking about what are you talking about i hate pussy when i was a kid gross these were my least favorite part

of uh porn yeah as a kid i was like give me the mouth watching a porn i'm like what's your face if they i'm watching porn they do a close-up i'm like all right let's not i was like the first pussy i eat pussy with my eyes closed i take my glasses off i can't do it yeah yeah i'm like it's kind of gross it looks weird you blur it out for yourself it looks like a cronenberg movie it's get it out of here it's very weird yeah his lips just hanging out i remember those kids that like they i had friends they would be like i only jack off to lesbian porn because i'm not a fag like it needed to be all women they were like so insecure that they had to only jack off to

like there couldn't be any men in the porn right yeah i remember a guy said that to me when I was 25. He was 40. Yeah. It was a dude from when I was going to AA meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were just like talking about porn. I was like, yeah, I'm like obsessed with like deep throat porn. And I was like, dude, you like the guy's dick is in it though. I was like, are you fucking kidding?

You're 40 years old. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Yeah. It's wild. Wild stuff. Porn's wild. Porn wild. That and when they show like an ass, like they show the asshole.

I'm like, don't get away from me. Yeah. I'm very, I'm very, I guess. The gaping asshole. I'm very gross about sex. Yeah. Yeah. The gaping is, yeah, get it out of here.

I don't like knowing they're human. If I see a vein, I'm like, ugh. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to see your, I'm like, your blood's flowing. I don't want to see the functions. I don't want to know you're functioning just be exist without me knowing how i can see your pulse rate yeah disgusting i hate knowing people are existing yeah it's gross when you're in the shower it's all existential you're like you look at your hand you're like

oh my god dude i do that all the time i'm always in the shower yeah water just falls off my nose and i'm like i like act like a movie character. I look down at my hands. You pretend you're the end of Blade Runner. What am I? You know, you get out of the shower and you see your disgusting naked body in the mirror. And you're like, oh, I am so human. I got to get some goddamn clothes on so I can stifle these thoughts.

Cover it up. Yeah, it's just that feeling just that breathing i hate now i remember like 15 i would i would go into the mirror like uh look into the bathroom mirror all the time i'd be like what like pulling on my face and be like what yeah i exist in this body and apparently that's like a sign of sign of really major depression. Really? I did that. Depersonalization or whatever.

You start grabbing yourself and poking yourself. Yeah, the same one I did acid. I did acid. It was the same thing. I was like, my face is just, it's meat. I actually realized that. You're like, it's just fucking, you could cut it off and just eat it or whatever. It's weird that you don't, I mean, the brain is everything, right?

Sure. Like, like I don't have any, and if there weren't mirrors around, I would forget that I'm not just like what I'm seeing. Like, it's like, like, like, like a video game where you're just like the guy's just holding the gun as opposed to you see the guy walking around with the gun. Life could like really just be like first person. Like you just don don't even you're like i yeah i look down i have an arm but i don't i don't really know what my face looks like like if i have mirrors would just be i don't know we just feel like we were inserted in bodies you know what's even what's been really trippy lately i've been uh researching i've been listening to a lot of youtube videos about the gut uh biome

you heard about this yeah they're always trying to always trying to talk about it yeah i know i'm unfortunately one of those guys now they're always like if you drink you know this apple cider vinegar right you know you're not depressed you need kombucha uh it has seemed to be working for me i like it i do it a lot but it saved my life no it's weird it's as long as i got my lucky orange as long as i just keep touching this i'll be all right i'm spiritual i like to think of myself as spiritual. I'm a spiritual guy. Hey, look at that. I'm the guy who does that move all the time.

Oh, look at you. Look at that orange go. Look at that. You hold that orange. Look at that. I brought it for a snack so I can eat it. We're all having a nice snack. My personality is just breaking off and floating away. we're just like in an hour just could be like what are microphones really this is why we have to meet up at night when we get all this out of the way during the day

exactly if we do like now let's just fucking be flying. We do the podcast that night. We're just like, would you shut up about fucking existential crisis? Aren't you tired of that? You've already been thinking about it for eight hours.

Let's watch some bullshit. We do a podcast at two in the afternoon. We're just like, what? I know I'm just

getting started. Like I have five toes. That is a good thing about getting you get old enough where it's just gay to be depressed anymore. It's exhausting.

Like you have a thought, you're like, what am I even here? It's like, shut the fuck up. You've heard enough people be sad. You're like, I don't give a shit. Fuck you. You kind of start doing it to yourself. I do that all the time.

I literally am like, shut the fuck up. Oh my God. I have to do stuff. Yeah, you're being so gay about it. Yeah, huge waste of time. But no, the microbiome,

the interesting thing is there's 10 trillion more bacteria cells on and in your body than there are cells that are you technically. And so a lot of people think that's interesting. I think that's interesting. I'm going to grab the orange. I think that's very interesting. Your voice cracks. that's interesting i think that's interesting grab the orange i think that's very interesting but no and then and then 98 of your serotonin is apparently made in your gut which is literally what makes you feel good or not so it's kind of like you then you get to the point where like am i literally just like a fucking just a zoo am i a cruise ship for bacteria and that's like the only reason like

i thought i make choices and do things but that's probably not even true you get like this weird like do i even have free will at all type of thing right right or we just run off of other life forms inside of us right and we're unaware like i mean there's we all we never know why we feel a certain way you're just like i don't know i guess chemicals are being released into my brain and i'm i'm not the judge of that yeah you know you could eat as many healthy things where it says some bullshit on the back of it about what it does for you but who knows what's happening and like right yeah i don't know that's the weird thing is i've been eating a lot of plants and kombucha and like kefir and stuff and i've felt so i've had so much more energy and felt so much better that's almost kind

of tripping me out where it's like oh i'm not even like i don't even know like know what i am really right you know right yeah i mean it sounds like the biome's kind of like the like the you know the engine and you gotta right sorry i don't know why you're giving me so much rope and then i just i mean the many you i say i just cut you off it's it's full of you know you gotta it's you gotta keep your biome yeah it's the powerhouse of the body to be happy to put in effects yes and your body is you guys know i can i can do an hour and a half of funny and then i just go to and then i just turn into pete holmes literally the first the first 10 minutes is us like fucking like shitting on like Into the Wild. Be like,

you're a fucking loser. I hate that guy. The last like ten minutes is us like, I mean, I guess our hands are an extension of our If you prick me do I not bleed? We always slowly drive ourselves crazy when you're on.

Unless it's late at night. Unless it's late at night. I know. Unless it's late at night. I go to Pete Holmes-y with it at the end. I don't know why. Why are you talking about Pete Holmes like he's like Gandhi? No, no. I mean it as an insult to myself.

Oh. Yeah, I mean, I get faggy and existential is what I'm saying. Does Pete Holmes do that? I'm sure. I haven't listened to his podcast. Can you imagine listening to that podcast now? I'd rather kill myself. I'd rather live in Van Nuys than listen to that podcast.

And then you bring it back around. What is Pete Holmes' podcast? I'm sure he, I don't know. He made it weird. Yeah, he has on one of the emotions from Inside Out on and they talk about how they're so glad everybody, they're like, I want my kid to be trans. Yeah. That movie was good, but I hated how many adult

people I knew that were like, they talked about it like it was the godfather. I'm like, oh, really? Did Flubber show you about you being happy? Are you so much of an idiot? Can we just make these things with real people? Enough of the animation. I'm sick of everything.

I have to watch Flubber with pants on to teach me about life. Right, yeah. I think the last one was i watched was that onward i was like the goblins don't know their dad yeah and then you're just like i think i'm good at this point i mean there was something good about covid where we all were just kind of like wow god it all just sucks just just shut up it was it was kind of fun it was kind of nice yeah it was nice to just be like ah death surrounds us and things will just get worse forever yeah imagine the next thing where it's like covid but like people there's

like there's significant like visual effects they're talking about this with the monkey pox yeah this damn monkey pox we knew that like covid would make us all deformed we'd none of us would we we would make you deformed i don't know but monkey pox makes you it turns it make you deformed? I don't know, but monkey pox makes you, it turns you. Turns you into a monkey? A goddamn monkey. These damn apes. 12 cases of it. And now it gives you like big, big warps and blisters. I can deal with that. It's like very old timey. Yeah, that is very, that's very like Braveheart-y type of like little king or something.

Yeah, it's very like diseased blanket-y. It's boils. Yeah, boils. Yeah. Disgusting. Disgusting. Bullshit. God.

I was, I was, I heard about that. I was like, i was like i was like if this i'm gonna be so damn pissed if monkey pox yeah i gotta like be i gotta say monkey pox killed my dad yeah fucking monkey pox apparently we have a vaccine against it though do we yeah why haven't they fucking used it on these fucks i'm i don't be ivermectin is better dude yeah you gotta take the horse uh paste or whatever damn right i'm in for another pandemic i'm already bored alive same yeah i want to die it was fun that first month or two and you would just you were just like i don't care i'll just eat whatever i want i drank for a month straight i literally i I literally woke up and I started drinking which is something I've never done before

since I started. I was like 9 a.m. I would just yeah, why not? I was I was like fake doing keto and then I would just like get into this like like morning drink scientist mode where I'd be like, it's like a keto Irish coffee. I feel like

it's fucking good. It's like buttery, but there's Jack Danielson. What a brilliant invention I've made. I literally made bulletproof coffee with Jack Danielson. Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, I was like, I put whiskey in my McDonald's spray.

What a genius. Pick me up. I remember I called, Richie was trying to be all positive about it like a couple weeks in, I think. And we were on the phone or something and Richie's like, he was like, maybe we should work in, I think. We were on the phone or something. He was like, maybe we should work on this or work on that.

He was like, you don't want to... This is going to end and you want to maybe get some stuff done. I was like, would you shut the fuck up? I think a week later I called Richie and he's like, oh yeah, I don't know. This is just never going to end. He's like, it's never going to end. Who cares? Who cares what you're working on?

He's like, delete all your files. Throw your away nobody's ever gonna care about anything there were the people who are so positive like toxically positive up front i remember i remember people being like i think there's one you know virus we need to worry about and that's fear y'all yeah it's like dude i hope you get it and die those nature is healing itself people yeah look the dolphins are swimming. I'm like, I'll slaughter every dolphin to be able to go to Applebee's. Yeah, I'll kill myself. I'll choke them to death. I'll join those Japanese guys in the cove.

And we'll blast like hip hop as we stab dolphins in the face. You just dressed with the big white headband. I'll be blasting Keith Ape, fucking itchy maws. I stab dolphins right in their stupid noses. I don't care. They get depressed. Who isn't depressed dolphin? Yeah, I can't go.

Remember that whole thing about dolphins and whales? Oh, they're so depressed. They get sad. Well, maybe if they evolved to have hands and crawl out of the fucking ocean, they could really see how bad it is. Because I'm depressed too. I'm depressed too,

pal. I can't smoke outside of a bar right now. And I'm bummed out about that. It also was funny. I didn't realize how much you needed to be around people. I had no idea at all. It really is genuinely really good for your. Yeah.

How quickly you get, you go insane from just being on your own. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. Wild stuff. We should go to SeaWorld. Dude your own. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. Wild stuff. We should go to SeaWorld. Dude, I would honestly go to SeaWorld.

I mean, I know they got a bad rap for a while and all that. Who cares? I like to see if the SeaWorld is a kid. The animals are our slaves. We can do with them what we want. Yeah. I liked it as a kid. We act like we're keeping dolphins back from curing cancer.

It's like, lock them up. You know what they're... Do a trick. Shut up. They get eaten to death. That's their whole life. Who cares? It's only like two of them.

Most of them are free. The whale is depressed. What is it, not writing its memoir? Because it's depressed. Shut up, Shamu. Get out there and do a flip. Shut up. Nobody cares.

Can we give all the animals of sea world like electroshock therapy so they're all just they're all like jack nicholson at the yeah just you see the whale just swim into the wall i want to go to the zoo too and i know that's just a big it's a it's a jail for animals. Yeah, the zoo's okay, but that makes me a little more, for some reason, land animals make me a little more sad. Makes me sadder, too. The water animals, I'm like, butcher them. I don't care.

Cut them in half. Yeah, I don't like anything in the sea. Yeah. You get, seals are cute, but even then, they're, like, annoying. Yeah, they do the, like that. Aren't seals vicious? Don't they? I fed them once.

That was fun. Yeah? Threw a little fish out, and we caught it. Nice. And did a little hands thing. Yeah, they do the, them once. That was fun. Yeah? Threw a little fish out and we caught it. Nice. They did a little hands thing. Yeah, they did the... Like that. That's cute.

Yeah, but I'd still... I'd slaughter him. You find out all these... I'd kill his kid in front of him. You really find out all cute animals are psychopaths. Yeah. Ducks rape and kill each other all the time. They have that coiled dick. Yeah. Seaters like just rape each other to death yeah well the shamu

they uh torture uh seals to death that's right they'll they'll launch them they'll spank them with their tail just to fuck with them and like shoot them like hundreds of feet up in the air i've seen video of it it's kind of crazy like they could just go bite its head and it would die yeah they swim up underneath it turn upside down and just spank it with its tail so hard that it flies up in the air it's all like fucked up are there any animals that have like guilt god i don't know have they ever studied like that there's an animal that has is there an animal ever killed itself like yeah yeah do animals like feel like depressed to the point where they're like i can't do this there's a very funny scene from that verner herzog documentary

about the penguin that walks into the ice have you seen that no can you pull that up real quick i think it might be on youtube type in verner herzog penguin but he talks about is he kind of pontificates on can uh animals actually have a desire to destroy themselves? Nihilist penguin. Yeah, I think that should be it. Dr. Indy. That's not a penguin. There's such a thing as insanity among penguins. I try to avoid the definition of insanity or derangement.

I don't mean that a penguin might believe he or she is lazy. He's like, the thing about penguins. It's a great, great voice. Penguins. Napoleon Bonaparte. But could they just go crazy because they've had enough of their colony? Well, I've never seen a penguin. They just go crazy.

Bashing his head against a rock. Oh, Jesus. They do get disoriented. They end up in places they shouldn't be, a long way from the ocean. Yeah, this is kind of a nice moment right here. These penguins are all heading to the open water to the right. Look at them.

But one of them caught our eye, the one in the right. Look at him. But one of them caught our eye, the one in the center. He would neither go towards the feeding grounds at the edge of the ice, nor return to the colony. It pulls a handgun out and blows its brains out

all over the snow. It's like Fargo. Penguins like pancake house. Take me blood everywhere. Like Fargo. Penguin's like, pancake house. Take me to pancake house. Burn her. Just a sociopathic, nihilistic penguin.

It's dress and choker makeup. Boy, you're smooth smooth. Please go back like 10 seconds though. Okay. Just for this, just so the audience can... Nor returned to the colony. Shortly afterwards,

we saw him heading straight towards the mountains, some 70 kilometers away. This is gonna be the funniest suicide. He plainly explained that even if he caught him and brought him back to the colony, he would immediately head right back for the mountains. But why? Wow.

Yeah, he's just going to die out there. That's crazy. Warner Herstle keeps asking these guys here what's going on. They're like, I don't know, dude. I'm just here to fuck them. Dude, I don't know. I just smoked a menthol cigarette. Dude, I just like fucking penguins.

Would you stop asking me about them getting depressed? Okay? I'm a freak. I thought this was like a real sex thing. You come down and watch me pork this penguin over here just sticking his dick through the little hole in my eyes already some 80 away from where it should be the rules for the humans are Do not disturb us

Alright, hey guys We recorded a really long episode with Jace And so part two of it will be on the Patreon Patreon.com slash HeyWatchPodcast And we'd like to thank everybody that is a patron for getting us to a thousand we're at a thousand and so that means Joey will be

enlisting in an amateur boxing match and we'll be you know working on that we've already contacted some gyms Joey's he's a yeah you found some places for him right yeah we're looking into places we might have some other la comedians involved that are

that we love that unfortunately sometimes i think go a little overlooked we'll see i don't know if they'll get involved or not but it's gonna be a good time so yeah we're looking at boxing gyms uh hopefully gonna get introduced to some fighters soon so yeah yeah so anyway uh check out uh the second part of this podcast on the patreon and uh thanks for listening thanks