Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #10 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

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Before we get going with this week's episode, I want to give a shout out to my mate Barry Dodds, who's one of my oldest mates in comedy. Him and Ian do The Incredible Parapod, which is a hugely successful podcast. If you've not heard it, go and download The Parapod. The Parapod movie is out, and we're going to give him a shout out for that. They're doing some live shows. The Parapod movie is the world's first podcast that has become a movie. It's skeptic versus believer in the paranormal. You don't need to have heard the podcast to be on board with this. It's two comedians arguing based on their beliefs

and spending the night in the most haunted locations in the UK to try and discover the truth. Going on tour now and playing Liverpool Everyman Cinema on the 20th of April with a Q&A with the cast afterwards. It would be great if the good people of the North West got on board and got tickets. That's one of the I think that's just

been added to the tour but yeah they're basically screening the film then Barry and Ian are going to be there doing a Q&A I'm watching it tonight I'm really excited

to see it tonight I'm actually going to be at that date in Liverpool on Monday the 23rd but me and my missus are going to that show and just I know we're doing

an advertising media and you sent us what to say on that but I will say I'm very glad we're doing a review for this I'm listening to the Parapod again at the minute it's brilliant and whether you're into ghosts or you're not it's well worth listening to it's so funny and so interesting

So that's the 20th of April at the Liverpool Everyman Cinema go and watch the Parapod movie live. Alright, let's crack on with this fucking episode. On social media at Havawadpod, with video on YouTube, you're listening to

the funniest podcast in the game. It's Havawad with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Hello Dave. Is that Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here. Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you there's no Uncle Dave here. Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before?

Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! First milestone, this. It's just, it's so amazing. And I try not to get emotional, you know, when you got here. But you get to the big 1-0 and you've beaten 80% of podcasts that have been produced. When people are like, should we do a podcast? Yeah, yeah, let's do a podcast. Yeah, well, what we'll do is, I can't edit it. Oh, fuck off.

Three episodes in, 12 people listened, and then they've been it. Who was that an impression of? Who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? He who shall not be named. Yeah, it's just, it's nice, isn't it? But it just feels like, to me, I knew it as soon as we got going.

I was like, this is going to do a lot more than 10. I got the feeling. This is a minimum. Because even if it wasn't going well, it's so much fucking fun. Yeah, even if it was just a way for me and you to hang out for like an hour and a half every week. Let's come to Chester and have a conversation.

We haven't socialised once in three months. I feel like I don't have conversations like this with my wife. Also, in terms of the fun, you know, a couple of weeks ago, I forgot to tell you this this Laura got back early from work we were still recording I went oh could you hear us because we're at the far corner

of the house doors shut we're in the east wing aren't we this is when we it's a big it's a big semi detached and she was like you were so

fucking loud you were screaming at each other honestly I was like oh my god there's an issue and she's like i think there must have been a problem and it was because we were like and you know what it was it was the beaver dam line when you were like what's a lesbian clock blocker a beaver dam a beaver dam that will like i i hope this podcast runs for many many years into thousands of episodes

and i genuinely think we peaked far too early. I think that was the pinnacle of this pod. Yeah, but I can't, you see, that's not my strength is like, like little gags and wordplay. Yeah. This talking bullshit, telling stories, making each other laugh. Like that's, this is what I love. But in Edinburgh, when they're like, oh, there's a panel show.

We're also going to do a bit of ad lib. So, okay. you are the... Can we get some suggestions from the crowd? Okay, you're a sheriff, and it's in the Old West, okay? But you run a pasta shop. What kind of shop? An Italian restaurant. Have you got some beef with improv chips?

It's a fucking nightmare. And they go, go, Dan. And you're like, what? What are you on about? What the fuck are you talking about i can't do that shit that's what like um when people call you like a good improviser as a stand-up people think that's the same thing and it's not is it it's like people think an improv tube is people just doing crowd work but it's not it's like right today is a murder mystery what are we what was the murder weapon we need a murder weapon guys what is it oh he's he's just said carrot oh wow all the other comedians

are like dildo dildo no no no we're not doing that we're not doing that carrot and then go and go adam go do you so you are the murderer carrot and you're like what what are you on about well how did you do it what What room was it in? Oh, fuck off. And it's the same as Twitter. When I look at people being amazing and really succinct and funny on Twitter, and then I'm like, people have gone, you don't do Twitter? And you're like, I'm not.

It takes me ages. I have to spell check it. And then I'm like, that's probably shit. You have to put your reading glasses on. I have to get my grandson to tell me how to use the mobile telephone. And, um, I just,

and then, yeah, but coming up with little lines like that, I was well impressed. Cause I'm not super, that's not literally my best thing, but be the damn, sir.

You are. Yes, sir. You, you are right though. Like I, I wouldn't want to have this length of conversation with my missus and i love her dearly but if she was like she returns our phones off and just

talk for an hour and 45 minutes and facing each other facing each other across the table with headphones on so there's no other there's like the fucking curtains are closed just looking at each other i reckon we do it at one o'clock on Monday afternoon. That's when we should do it. Yeah, yeah. When no one else is in. When Dan's family are out. In fact, if we start banging, this is not going to be a surprise.

Have you heard Anna and Dan are in a relationship? They didn't realise they were gay. They got to know each other on a very deep level. They spent two hours a week just talking about their feelings. And it just blossomed. And they're not gay. They're not. Like, they don't like Dick, but it just, it happened.

They're just so in love. They have a connection. I mean, it was a weird fucking episode. Their love has overtaken their heterosexuality. It's big. more of an impact it doesn't help that these fucking big cock-shaped microphones are in our face like i don't oh that'd be a fucking weird one wouldn't it guys something to tell everyone on facebook it's complicated can you imagine going to Jade? Jade, I've got some news. Dan Milk will get Laura and Jade in together. Guys, this is going to be out of nowhere.

Because Jade's definitely not going to see it coming because she's not been listening to the pod. We don't know what happened. It's just we were halfway through the first half of Word and then my penis was in Dan's nutshell. That was one of the weirder would-you-rathers. Would you rather... Give Adam a nose job.

Could you get your dick in my nostril? I don't know who that's offensive to. I think either your dick or my nostril. I think there's problems with both. You pseudofed, you dirty bastard. Anyway, well, apart from our you know burgeoning love the podcast is going well

and and that's down to everyone being fucking amazing isn't it yeah we had a lot of good good feedback

from last week's episodes did really well in the charts again we're scraping with that top we're charting America and Canada as well now and Iraq

and Iraq three downloads and we don't even have internet that top we're charting in america and canada as well now and iraq and iraq three downloads i don't even have internet it's my iraqi voice again oh you've got the kane brown added to the soundboard i know this is how you know you're going up there this is that this is the thing to get us in the charts. You can use that every time I call you old. Shut up! Stop saying that! Yeah, we did well in the charts. So thanks to everyone downloading.

I think I've had a plan for how we can smash into that top 40 this week, but we need the help of our listeners. I'm going to call it Double Download Week. So what I want you all to do is just tell, make one person in your life, if you're a regular listener, force one person in your life, if you're a regular listener, force one person in your life to also download

it, so someone who doesn't know about it, I don't even care if they fucking listen to it I just want to download numbers to put aside if it was the person in your life family, friend, colleague that you think would least enjoy it do you know what I mean after we've just

within three minutes, gone, you could stick your dick in my nose, Adam! Not for everyone. Disgusting! It's not for everyone. Yeah, I think pass it on to one person. And if you all do that, then we've got double downloads this week,

and we'll be in, like, the top 20. We'll be flying. Yeah, half the downloads will be like, what the fuck is this shit? Yeah, tell them they're not allowed to leave a review absolute shite

why would any man want to fuck another man's nose yes we and um yeah so just appreciate it man

just appreciate it have you uh what have you been doing over the weekend you've been you've been doing those gigs that we do I've been panic buying

panic buying this this is the thing i've realized you know like it's easy to be like oh i'm panic buying i'm not i know no one's gonna i almost know this the if you look at the stats of flu and then coronavirus and covid19 you're like it is being overblown the fear of the unknown the health thing but what is very real is people getting wound up by the tabloids, social media, and other bellends, and the panic setting in, and then schools, GPs, gigs getting shut down. That is real.

So I'm not really panic buying, but I am panic gigging. I am accepting every fucking gig. Any gig that comes in. Dan Knightley is available any night this week. He'll come to your house for £75 or above. If it's cash, anything above, I've got a new... Before, I was like, I'm not gigging for less than £150. It's just a morals thing.

Now, if it's £25 cash in hand and a bag of hula hoops, I'll play your fucking garage. £25 cash in hand and four andrex unopened that's how I feel I really do I feel like there's like I've just got to get these gigs in because I'm mates with some fannies

who are like we've talked about it and they're trying to play it cool but you can hear the fear in the voice talking to you just genuinely quite relaxing because you're like it might not be that good it might not be that bad but we know people like oh my god it's gonna be bloody awful what i've done is i've panic bought a load of um petrol so that

i can get here every day when we do the everyday podcast from the coronavirus right it's like at the minute it looks like i'm planning a mass terrorist plot i've just got loads of bleach and petrol in the house fuck mate you're gonna be on a terrorist watch list you've seen four lions i just kept going back and to us they're going hi uh it's my woman voice i love it when he covers up his beard i'm a woman can i I have some bleach, please? I do four voices. What are they? One of them's mine.

Yeah, we know. I'm doing British Asian. It's great. Are you all right, bro? You all right, bro? You don't even know me. What are you talking about me? Boy like that?

That's out of order, bro. I once bought a car. I once bought a car off a guy in leeds um i lived in chester and i drove up to leeds he had a volvo s80 yeah and if you imagine that car granddad car you know it everyone listening knows that car it's just the longest boring car you've ever seen beige leather interior i fucking loved it of course i stole it off a guy called uh because k cars just near headingly you stole it i bought it off a guy called kazam or kazim or anyway it was called k he's like call me cars got there how many names does he got because i'm kazim kaz i probably mispronounced in all of them

mr kazoo shows on got there he was like alright bro listen it's an amazing motor right and he was about 10 years younger than me this young this young

Asian dude and he was like listen listen amazing car it's a beautiful motor I've never seen like a file

of all the receipts it's the logbook it's absolutely legit bro right amazing and I listen it's my cousin's wedding next week we're having a little bit of a get together in the office my my All the receipts is the logbook. It's absolutely legit, bro. Right? Amazing. And listen, it's my cousin's wedding next week. We're having a little bit of a get together in the office. My nan's made a banging curry.

Would you like a plate? I was like, all right. I got whirlwinded by one. Where are you from, Danny? Is it Danny from Manchester? My name's Dan. I lived in Chester. But he was so confident.

I let him call me the wrong name. He's like, you're Danny from Manchester I was like yeah I'd just eaten but he was like listen it's banging food amazing you've never tried it you think you go to a curry house you think oh I'm having Asian food

oh you're fucked mate listen my nan was honestly banging got it out I ate the food I wasn't feeling hungry all these like uncles and cousins were coming through ignore everyone don't worry about it

beautiful car amazing got in it started the engine i'd already paid him i realized i'd already paid him before i started the engine he literally dropped me around the corner and the keys is amazing drive away beautiful car and as i got in the car i was like i hope this starts because i've just given him the cash i'd already signed the sign the logbook. He whirlwinded me so much. And I started the car, I was like, oh, thank fuck for that. Ben and Brown, yeah? He just absolutely, young Asian businessman of the year, just fucking whirlwind me.

I was like, oh, God. Asian family food is fire, though. Last year, I did that TV show with Tez Ilyas. He had his own show on Channel 4, the Tez O'Clock Show. And every week, his mum would be in the audience and she'd cook for the whole cast and crew. She'd just turn up with like samosas and barges. Oh, it was class.

Mate, if that... How could... Like, we're mates with Tez. How good is that? Because he's basically the biggest name... It's the equivalent of me getting my own show and my mum doing a roast dinner every week. Just turning up and running a carvery

in the fucking media city. Doing the Scouse equivalent. Adam's family turn up at Netflix like, I know he's got his fucking special, but I tell you what, my Adam doesn't gig without his chicken dippers, all right? Just get chicken dippers.

Not in the fucking... It's not pork and all the fucking gravy. That's for everyone. One jug. Where's the fucking active fry? Get him nice and greasy. Come on. I love the fact that that's so...

Tez is like a big name in British comedy. And like, his mum's still turned up and it's basically equivalent of a packed lunch innit. Yeah but for everyone. She turned up and gave everyone at the school their packed lunch. I am not having my Tez do a TV show on a major channel. Why doesn't his mum sound like a gay man from Crescent? I decided not to do Tez's mum's voice. Okay you made, you know what, good call there.

You know why? because it was gonna be not good now i i don't know if you heard if you if we go back there there's a little pause and i go nope not doing the voice because and that's out of respect to the asian community and my mate tes right and his mum now k who's got k cars because even whatever his fucking name is bro i literally nothing about what I said about him was derogatory, and that is literally how he talked. He was sound.

I basically said he's the young businessman of the year. He fucking deron-browned me into buying a Volvo that I didn't know worked. I feel like you can do the fucking, listen, bang up, bang your plate, absolutely top, top class food, bro. And if anyone goes, that's not how he talked,

you don't know who the fuck, how do you know could be the best impression ever there's no disrespect Tez's mum you're worried that was gonna go bad she was gonna

send a video back no that was one we're gonna be like dude that's not good we're gonna have to cut that out let's go I gig with Tez Friday in his hometown

he was hosting the comedy club at his house he fucking murdered it if you don't know Tez Friday in his hometown he was hosting the comedy club at his house he fucking murdered it if you don't know Tez like he's one of the my co-nominees at the Chortle Best

Club Comic Award and he brought me back on stage at the end to ask the audience it was really funny actually he went right

we're in Blackburn but me and Adam we've both been nominated who are you going to vote for and it was like 50-50. And he was like, if this was in Liverpool, it'd be all him. But I tell you, it's because you're all white. And you don't know whether to go with the local guy or the one you look the most like.

It was so funny watching him chastise a room full of 100 Blackburn patrons not vote for their hometown hero and just call them out on what was obviously that. Yeah, it was great. Definitely. Yeah. He was on fire. That's an unusual I-wanna-win-votes technique, isn't it? Like turning on half a crowd.

Listen, you cunts. That's it. Next time I gig here, you're having none of my mam's samosas. Look at you having a little fucking cookie snack now I'm having a bit of cookie mid episode just eat it

oh what's wrong with that chow upset me nasty bitch what's wrong with that you're eating on the fucking podcast

yeah episode 10 and your standards have disgusting gone to shit why I don't know

to be fair you're not doing it on the mic yeah some people I've so weird that you're not doing it on the mic yeah some people i've looked so weird that you you're doing that now i was listening to one of my american nfl podcasts this morning and they were eating a fucking was it a cookie i think they're eating cookies on the thing i was like oh it sounds nasty man i'm glad we never do anything like that i haven't mentioned it at all

you've turned up with a cookie and then she bangs some in your face mid part what do you think i was gonna do with it no it's good you've eaten it but he was literally a bit left he was literally being gross with it oh into the mind oh it's horrible you don't want to do that it's misophonia apparently honestly that's the name of it that's the phobia misophonia that's what i did sound like i'd be amazing misophony but misophony misophonia it's the fear it's the it's like a like a phobia of having weird sound hearing weird sounds like people yeah do you remember um do you know monty burns not the simpsons character the the mental um scottish comedian yeah i think Yeah, the guy who's called Gregor Burns, but decided that he'd have a stage name.

Monty. Monty Burns. He's got that. Because he gave me a lift to a gig in Blackpool once, and I put a chewing, like a bit of chewing gum in the car, and he pulled over onto the hard shoulder and was like, pal, you're going to have to fucking spit it out the window, because I'm going to fucking kill you.

Right. Because he gets like PTSD from his time in Afghanistan. pal you're gonna have to fucking spit it out the window because I'm gonna fucking kill you right because he gets like PTSD from his time in Afghanistan what from chewing chewing gum? yeah or the Taliban had big these extra like I feel like

that story might make sense if there was way more bits in between the major points like how do you go from like in my head that story was you're in a car yeah yeah this gig should be good you put chewing gum in go and then he goes in between the major points, like, how do you go from, like, in my head, that story was, you're in a car,

yeah, yeah, this gig should be good. You put chewing gum in, go, and then he goes, fucking get the, I'll fucking kill you on the side of the fucking motorway.

And then, what is he on about? PTSD from chewing gum? No, PTSD from the sound of people eating. I think. What was this,

what was the traumatic stress though? I think he was captured by the the traumatic stress though I think he was captured by the Taliban and to get information out of them they just all had hubba bubba

for 12 hours straight they were blowing bubbles in his face I can't believe you didn't ask what the PTSD was well I'll be honest

I just wanted to get to the fucking gig in one piece of that stage. And in your head you went, I am never driving anywhere with this fucking lunatic. Well, at the time I didn't drive and I had to take whatever lift I could get. That wasn't the last journey we did.

Oh, sharing car journeys to gigs, though, is already hard. But that makes it fucking ridiculous. That sort of behaviour, like, what are you fucking doing? I had to just accept it was his car. I can't be like, no! I'm paying you to drive me! I'm chewing what I want to chew.

It's so fucking unreasonable, though. It's unbelievable. Yeah, but it's PTSD, isn't it? You've got to take it seriously. Uh, yeah. Bang on. But, like... Are you PTSD shaming him i do you've come very sensitive this episode are you ptsd changed him i get i i get it if someone has actually got ptsd you've got to be like wow that's you know that's someone suffering with their mental health and yeah you know but you can't be like is that chewing gum i've got ptsd

and then not ask questions like, oh, sorry, mate. Yeah. What, because your mum died in a fucking Wrigley's Extra accident? What are you talking about? Also, sort your breath out. You stink. I think he can chew. He can deal with himself chewing, but not you chewing.

Right. I think he just didn't want me to eat in this car. Yeah. Just a psycho. You can just see me slobbering chewy water down my face and he's like that's gonna ruin me how loud do you eat chewing gum

because you polished off half of that cookie pretty nicely yeah well Jade always has a go at me for smacking my lips I try and I do try and control it

but she's always like can you eat a bit quieter it's doing me a tin shut the fuck up you know it's moments like that when you're part of the and I love being you know with Laura when she says moments like that when you're partnered and I love being you know

with Laura when she says stuff like that I love how we both feel the need to qualify that before we slag out this stuff every time but as soon as she fucks off I'm just gonna sit there

watching Curb Your Enthusiasm all fucking day without her going oh it's boring what why's the picture quality weird because it's from 20 years ago it's a classic

and just smack my fucking lips. You know what I love doing as well? Hand on me balls, inside me kegs. She won't let me do that. Get your hands off your dick. It's horrible. No. Stop playing with yourself.

I'm not playing with myself. Stop playing with yourself. It's me built-in radiator. Me hands cold. Me balls are always warm. One plus one. Get three. There you go.

There is something really nice about just gently placing a palm. Just put it in your pocket. It's not the same. It's not the same. Hand on balls is great. Yeah, stop. What, are you getting excited? No.

No? Just like little, just checking everything's there. Do you know what, next time, when she tells me to stop, I'm just going to start furiously masturbating, so that she leaves the room that's always a good option you get excited well I am now yeah I'm not even horny

I'm just going to force one out could you yeah could you crack one out just to be just to be spiteful just to be spiteful yeah

a spite wank you've never done that before yeah have you I've had a spite wank yeah you ever done it just to be what I wonder how what context you'd have to do it in You've never done that before? Yeah. Have you? I've had a spite wank. Yeah? You've never done it?

Just a bit. But I wonder what context you'd have to do it in. Like, I'm not having sex with you tonight, so just accept it. And then she rolls over, and then you're there going... No, well, if Jade's ever not in the mood, we have an agreement that I'll just do that. What, in front of her?

Yeah, she's in the room, and I'll just, you know, sort it out. She lets you masturbate as she's going to sleep. She knows you're wanking. Yeah. I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

You look like you've seen a ghost. I mean, I've wanked on a fucking National Express. Yeah. But I still find that weird. I find that weird.

Why? It's my own bed. I feel, I get, I, no. I've never seen you this flummoxed. No. I think he's got it. He said, I don't do that.

Laura'd be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, no, I'm fine. I mean, I have done it, but it was awful. It really nervy. I felt weird at first, but this was like, I don't know, maybe like a year in, we'd just started living together, maybe 18 months. And she was like, I'm really none of you,

but just sort yourself out. I'm not asked at all. And she was conscious. She wasn't asleep. Yeah, I knocked her out. Did she watch? She's watched before. What kind of face does she pull?

I mean, you wouldn't... It's not like she's watching, like, intently. Getting turned on. She might just be watching How I Met Your Mother, and I'm just next to her sorting it out. In the bedroom? Yeah. Right.

So we're in bed. Am I... Everyone listening, is this me being weird that that sounds way too blasé? My wife would be like, What the fuck are you doing? Dirty! Nasty bitch!

Stop upsetting me, nasty bitch! I just, I've never wanked when she's next to me. Why though? What's the problem? I just feel weird. Why? But you'll do it on a bus. Yeah, that was, I know, that was a low ebb, that. Yeah. Yeah, that was all the way back when you were five years into being an adult. That was at the tender age of 23. Old enough to be a Member of Parliament. Unsurprisingly. Old enough to have saved seven years in the army.

Don't, I've got PTSD from army jokes. Yeah, I don't know why you find it so weird. I think you should try it. No, mate, no. Has a girl ever asked if she can watch you masturbate erm

no I remember being on holiday once we were there was a gang of us there was one couple there was three guys three single girls three single guys

and one couple and it was fucking great fun we had a villa in Italy this is about ten years ago twelve years ago and 12 years ago. And me and my mate Tim cracked on one with one really early, and I cracked on with the other, just because it was like,

hey, you're here, we're here, we're drinking booze at night. It was brilliant. And I did very well for just being confident with it. Like, that worked well with me. And I don't know, it's just one afternoon, the four of us were there, and I was like, oh, I think I'm just going to go and crack one out. She was like, the girl that I was seeing was like, what? I think I'm just going to go and have a wank upstairs in the room. She was like, what, just like that?

Like, you know, you could tell... She was excited. She was like, oh, confident, I like it. I was like, yeah. She went, can I come and watch? I was like, oh, confident, I like it I was like, yeah, she went, can I Come and watch And I was like, yeah Went upstairs, she sort of sat at the end of the bed And I was like

That is Well weirder than what I'm doing And her face went from like To sort of like Confused And then she just went Oh yeah, she would just have sex i was like all right yeah fine because she obviously was like this is gonna be quite exciting and then she saw the

reality of a man wanking and went oh that's not sexy at all no there's several things to unpack here daniel um first of all that is so if that was what was happening that was so much fucking weirder than my missus going I can't be arsed shut yourself out shut the fuck up that what you're doing inviting a stranger

to come and watch her although she invited herself but she absolutely from the off thought you were just going to go upstairs go upstairs and bang her and you took that

far too much and face filed you and just got in bed and were like right I'll crack up you sit there say that you fucking knob.

But honestly, I want a round of applause when this is done. Make it a show. I'm a comedian. She looked confused halfway through. Yeah, because you hadn't made a fucking move. You just sat in your knees on the bed. Five yards away from a woman going,

why is he not trying to fuck me? Why did he actually think I just wanted to come up to a fucking bedroom in benidorm and just be like yeah i just want to watch i can remember her face now like i was like okay she was sort of like and then i started i think in my head i was like oh i thought her thought process was like oh it's not as attractive as i thought oh let's just have sex now i'm starting to realize her confusion was like is he actually gonna do this i can't believe it took this conversation for you to realize that's what that was she's looking at you like he thought i was serious oh and he he was serious she she thought you you making a move was you going i'm gonna go upstairs and have a wank she thought that was

a funny confident way of you going to her do you want to go and fuck and she's gone can I come and watch and you've gone yeah and she's like right

yeah it was a move you couldn't see me upstairs and fuck the life out of me now and you've gone upstairs and gone the stool's there sit there you can imagine

how cringy that would be right show time quiet in the audience please sit there I will be here and when I finish round of applause Imagine how cringy that would be. Right. Showtime. Quiet in the audience, please. Sit there. I will be here. And when I finish, round of applause.

And at the point of, I will say, ta-da! Please don't talk while the act is on stage. Turn your phones off or onto silent. And please keep any solid breakfast in school. No flash photography. Moron. That's my favourite moment of all ten episodes so far, is watching you slowly realise what happened there.

I'm a moron. Yeah. Fantastic. I still got laid, though. Yeah, you did. But it took you longer to get laid than it should have and that was your fault. That's no different to you going to a girl in a nightclub, do you want to come back to mine and play Monopoly?

And her going, fucking love to come back to yours and play Monopoly. And you get back and get the Monopoly board out. No, it is different. It's not? No, it's definitely different. If anything, it's worse. Listen, in 2020, in a nightclub, if you say to a girl,

do you want to come back and go for Monopoly? The only thing she's given consent for is a game of Monopoly. And you're in choppy waters if you're like, she gets it, it's euphemism. Bleh. Bleh. Have a word, podcast presenter.

Dan Nightingale's in a lot of trouble after he got his dick out during a game of Monopoly. He was seen leaving the nightclub at 4am. Oh, God. What an odd... the nightclub at 4am oh god what an if you random question when you play Monopoly

what do you want to be hat the car the dog what do you want to be the boot it's a long

time since I played Monopoly yeah I had a Simpson special edition for a while what are the

traditional Monopoly the boot no never the boot dog it's a little scottish terrier in it little fucking highland terrier car hat i think there's a boat as well honestly i'm looking back hat hat or car was was my go-to i always had to be the car and the banker so i could uh dip what are you saying i was a cheater at monopoly you were stealing from the bank yeah that i ran yeah that's why when the

financial crash happened in 2008 i had a lot of sympathy for the bankers because absolute power corrupts absolutely um can i ask you a question which fucking family members were daft enough to let you be the banker? It's my ball game It's my ball We're playing my rules and I'm going home Literally, when you vote Conservative it will make a lot of sense because I think you just literally word for word

described Boris Johnson's Conservative manifesto for the last election It's my ball, I'm going home I've made the rules. I'm in charge. Do what I say. Oh, Adam. Oh, we do have some fun. Now it's time for

Would You Rather with your favourite morons, Adam and Dan. Time for a feature, a first feature of episode 10 with Adam and Dan. Dan, what one is it? Tell us now. I think we should do some

Would You Rathers. We've had loads. We've got to get through them because I want to do everything that everyone's asked. I don't want people sending shit in and being like, oh, they didn't do mine. If you get in touch with the Have A Word podcast, haveawordpod at gmail.com We will. We will stick

your stuff on. Unless it's about banging dead people or relatives you fucking animals i will say this though um if uh if you are sending in at the minute and you're like oh they haven't done my one yet we don't be discouraged from sending even more stuff in it we will get around to it it's just at the minute we're getting a fucking ridiculous amount of submissions in a very good way we've got a bit of a backlog and we'll gradually get through them um and if for whatever reason we uh we don't get through them soon when we do a live show or whatever we will get through as many as we possibly can keep sending them in we're very very grateful we really do so to say

we're going to do absolutely everything's not not true just because it's not possible but we want we want to we've had about 30 would you rathers this week the podcast will be six episodes six hours long if we did them all would you

right okay from Phil Phil would you rather Phil Adam would you rather

that's my impression of Peggy Mitchell from EastEnders Phil Phil no Phil okay two syllables yeah Phil That's my impression of Peggy Mitchell from EastEnders. Phil! Phil! No, Phil! Okay, two syllables.

Yeah. Phil. Do you want to hear my impression of Tez's mum? No. No, neither do I. Would you rather... Would you rather get punched in the dick by Mike Tyson in his prime? Phil. Phil. Like, honestly, I'd love to know or what the or is, because that's not looking good already, the first half of that, is it?

Or get ball tapped out of nowhere by a member of the public. You're obviously going to take the ball tap out of nowhere absolutely not I'm getting punched by Mike Tyson in the dick in his

prime right first of all I'm a millionaire I've just been assaulted by Mike Tyson I'm going straight

to the papers right and also that store I will be dining out on that story for the rest of my

life are you that guy who got punched in the dick by Mike Tyson this isn't even I don't ever want I don't think you're going to be dining anywhere you know because your and I was on that story for the rest of my life. Are you that guy who got punched in the dick by Mike Tyson? This isn't even close.

I don't ever want... I don't think you're going to be dying in anywhere, you know, because your balls are going to be in your mouth and will live there, you know, because Mike Tyson in his prime is going to bang your balls straight up into your mouth. Yeah, but they'll come down eventually. For a while. No.

1989, 1990 Mike Tyson. Yeah. Full on. I mean, the way Phil's worded it, it's like he's a proper, like, he's literally going for an uppercut. Yeah, I'm talking like a punch to the dick from Mike Tyson that could knock Muhammad Ali out.

I would take that. In the balls. In the dick. In the dick and balls. Yeah, hang on. No, he said in the dick. Oh, sorry. So what are you going to do? Tape your balls to the side and be like, Mike, just the dick in the dick and yeah hang on you said in the dick oh sorry so what you're gonna do tape your balls to the side and be like mike just the dick yeah he said in the dick there's

a chance you lose your dick adam there isn't there is honestly if he hits it hard enough yeah not only could he fucking it'll just swell up break your pelvis it would swell up about adam i'm so sorry you've sorry you've lost so much blood into your dick that we're going to have to amputate your dick no

that wouldn't happen it wouldn't happen I'd just have a massive bruised dick for a bit and a story right like if I told you

hey I was walking around town yesterday and someone just randomly flicked me in the butt oh that'd hurt I'd hate it yeah it'd hurt

but you'd be like oh well cool okay what else happened if I told you no no no no no no no stop it

no if I told you out of nowhere apropos of nothing Adam I got ball tapped by some random dude just walking the street

yesterday you'd be like alright cool what else happened fuck off you'd be like eh who was it

I don't think you ever want to get punched in the dick by Mike Tate. I think you're underestimating that punch. I'm not. Adam, Adam, and I don't mean this as euphemism. How hard do you think your dick is? Your dick's not that hard. No, here's the thing as well.

Like, I'm the textbook definition of a grower, not a shower, so there's every chance you'd miss it anyway. I wanted to punch you, but I can't find it. Who's that? Alvin and the Chipmunks? That's Mike Tyson. That's Mike Tyson in his prime. This is my Mike Tyson impression.

This is not a good one, you know. That's not a bad impression. Adam Rowe. I like your comedy, but I've punched you in the dick. Hey, Dan. That's well worth it. Hey, Dan. I'm Mike.

What? That's well worth it. Hey, Dan, I'm Mike. What? This is my impression. This is Mike Tyson's impression. This is my impression. He's from New York, and he's got a list. And he's quite softy-pulpy. But I punch so hard, I fucking make your dick bleed and drop off

my name is Mike Tyson I've got a gentleman in the dick but I'm going is he deaf when he I said Mike Tyson in his prime

he's still got his hearing do you do it again do you brush it again. Do your impression again. Fucking ballet. How dare you say that mine was a shit impression. My shit, yours is the worst I've ever heard. Let me compose. Hey there. Let me compose. Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad.

My name's Mike Tyson. I'm going to punch Adam in the dick. I'm going to hit him really hard like I would in my prime. This punch would knock out Muhammad Ali. You sound like Michael Jackson. I'm going to punch him in the dick. If he was younger

I'd suck his dick. Oh no, Adam. Char! Accept me, nasty bitch. Right, you're wrong but I love you. How the word would like

to express that Adam Rose's opinions do not reflect that of the podcast or of Dan Nightingale. We are not accusing Michael Jackson of being a paedophile, despite all of the evidence that is out there.

He bums kids. That's ignorant. Yeah, but I'm definitely taking the punishment from Mike Tyson. I know. 100%. Right. 100. 100!

Wrong. Would you rather... From Charlie Cowell. From who? Charlie Cowell. Would you rather... Would you... From Charlie Cowell. From who? From Charlie Cowell. I'd never play him in the day. Charlie Cowell.

Charlie Cowell. Cowell. Okay. As in Simon. Yeah. As in Chocolate Factory. Simon and the Chocolate Factory. That's ignorant.

Would you rather only get three-star reviews for the rest of your life or play to an audience of pissed hairdressers and teachers forever that's it forever you only get you right you might get every gig you ever do again is pissed up hairdressers from bridge bridge water bridge water this is a reference to episode seven i think yeah or eight hairdressers or teachers pissed up in every audit full audience of them that's the only crowd you ever get again yeah or the only review you ever get from here on in is three stars three stars defo it's such an easy one this i think because i think people who are not within the industry or certainly not earning money from uh comedy clubs primarily as me and you do they think reviews matter a lot more than they actually do and i also i think i think also people don't

realize once you've got a good review from a publication if you've got a five star review from the guardian if they give you three stars next year you can still put five stars on all your posters forever because they gave you a five star review one time one guy from chortle gave me three stars three times in a row then he sent the other guy last year another year before last who gave me four and a half stars and now forever i'm gonna have chortor four and a half stars on the poster. Yeah. So I've got a decent review

from almost every major publication that you can get in the UK. So three star reviews forever. Wouldn't give a flying fuck. As long as people are still coming to the shows and I'm still selling tickets. Absolutely.

Fuck those cunts from Bridgewater. I wonder what your review from Mike Tyson fanzine would be he's got a really soft penis this is another one would you rather perform to a room

of seven people every time this is from our mate bass jedi DMB but I can't remember what his real name is

he tweets a lot yeah he's well into it I've never seen he's literally like he's like on the staff would you rather perform to a room He tweets a lot. Yeah, he's well into it. I've never seen... He's literally like he's... Like, on the staff. Would you rather perform to a room of seven people

every time for the rest of your career that found your content hilarious so you only ever get to play to, at most, seven punters a gig and they fucking love you or a room full of 77 people who found your content mediocre and were enthusiastic

but were were unenthusiastic but entertained so they didn't hate you it's just it was just mediocre i nearly didn't put this in there but it just led on from that one so much this is an easy one as well it's seven isn't it yes yeah like it's an easy one but also they're both so shit you don't want to just do seven people whatever because comedy isn't like it doesn't lend stand-up comedy is an art form i think doesn't really lend itself to less than 80 people you need a chunk of people in a room really i i think oh totally you need but 77 people can be a 77 people can be a great gig yeah but there are loads of good gigs but if you're you're not really factoring in finance there are you so if you're playing to 7 000 people you are wealthy it's not going to be

great that it's mediocre every time yeah well i'll tell you what i've played just seven people at the fringe and they've loved it and you come away feeling fucking great you also feel like a skilled comic if you can make seven people in a room room laugh, it's difficult to do a really low-attended gig like that. For so many reasons, first of all, laughter's infectious, and secondly, people are a lot more self-conscious when there's less people in a room, and you're less likely to laugh when you're self-conscious, which is why comedy works better with all the audience in the dark,

because if it's very lit, they can see each other, and they're like, oh, do I look like that when I'm laughing? It's such a delicate art form, isn't it? It really is. So many things have to be right. I think I'm going to change his question and fire it back at you, just to make it more sort of difficult. Yeah.

So it's either seven people who love you forever or a thousand who think he's fine. Now... That makes it more difficult, doesn't it? Yeah, because obviously if you play a thousand people who think you're fine you're not going to get to keep doing that

forever are you so because because like people who play to a thousand so say an actor

that plays to a thousand people if they're shit a couple of times watch you'll see it famous comedians go up the league look at where

Ron Ranganathan is now he's he's one of the biggest names in stand-up i remember when we were gigging at 40 50 77 people like see gigs right now he's moved up the league if he starts binning it and having bad ones he'll come down from that thousand person seat seat theater so in my head i'm like well i want to say thousand because you're going to be wealthy but again it's not going to last forever but okay so yeah i see what you mean what if like being average to a thousand people is fucking horrible it's horrible in it yeah it is it's still seven and it's horrible seven like it's it's an odd question,

because obviously we're really taking this a lot more seriously than it's intended, this one. I think that's the whole point of this, would you rather, isn't it? If we were like, ah, it's made up, isn't it? If we went like, yeah, but Mike Tyson is now old. Next question. But like, yeah, I think if you can still be financially solvent

performing to the seven people. But like, yeah, I think if you can still be financially solvent, performance is the seven people. So, little proviso, you earn 50 grand from comedy, which is a nice income from comedy, right? Yeah. That's 50 grand until you retire at 65. Thousand people who think you're mediocre, thousand people that think you're okay,

or seven people that think you're amazing um it is it's difficult but it is seven it's seven it's it's the seven yeah do you know why because for the rest of your career you'd constantly be coming off stage going fuck it was all right i need to rework that set ah fuck what's not next night. Christ! It's all six and a half out of ten. And then the guy who's playing to seven would be like, oh, I just read out,

you know, my wish list on Amazon. Also, if you do the seven, you can be the soundest person in the world and after every gig take the entire audience

for a fucking Nando's. Every single gig though. You could literally go, I don't even need, you know, like Paul Smith at Hot Water just drives to Hot Water. I could literally go I don't even need you know like Paul Smith at Hot Water just drives to Hot Water

I could literally take that drive out of my life being like I if everything's going well and I'm earning 50 grand come to ours I'll just

I'll just get out of the garage just have 7 people 4 nights a week yeah listen and then 50 grand every December just drops into your fucking bank nice one

do you know what I now think this is the dream fuck doncaster dome i want seven people in your garage this time next year that's the future for have a word seven people in your garage that's the live show but it's going to be fucking expensive because they need to spend 10 grand each right hang on that gives us 70 grand and 20 000 pound for that so far we... We've now added to our... The live have a words. We've got Doncaster Dome, which on the pilot,

we were like, one day we'll do Donny Dome. I can't even remember. It was so long ago now. I can't even remember why we said it, but I want to do a live show at Doncaster Dome for no fucking reason. I also want to do a live show

in my garage to seven people. Okay. We probably have to do a few comedy clubs as well yeah do you know what honestly if you told me tonight we have to do a gig in my garage it's already quite clear i'd have to move two bikes out a few paint pots what would we do for seating yeah we've got some garden seating we've got some like outdoor chairs i've got the sound system. Sound system for seven people? Oh, yeah. You want it to look proper.

I've got lighting rigging everything. Oh, fuck. Okay, cool. We'll get the logo from behind me. Put that... Nice one. I just have to run it by... When we launch the Patreon, we'll do that.

I just have to run it by my wife because she thought the podcast was loud, so I don't think she'd be very impressed with a live gig going on in the garage. Oh shit. It has to be before 7pm because that's my daughter's bedtime. I really do want to do this one though. Yeah. I'm in.

I'm definite. Right. Good one. Would you rather from Derek Ashton. Derek Ashton. Who apologised for calling me Dave. You know, now on Twitter this week, four people have called me Dave.

Did you see that? You know, Freddie Quinn, he did Justin Morehouse's radio show. And he just tweeted and said, I've got Freddie Quinn on today. And someone replied to Justin Morehouse saying, who the fuck is that guy? Brilliant.

I would never want this to stop, by the way. Did you see the guy who put it out? It was like, Freddie Quinn's appearing in. And then someone put under his tweet about the gig, who the fuck is that guy? Yeah. Freddie's texted me like three times a week. I'm going to go.

I've had another eight people say. He messaged. Who the fuck is that guy? He messaged under say he messaged who the fuck is that guy he messaged under under the guy going who the fuck is that guy it's freddie quinn he's a comedian so he thought someone should be in a dick on twitter going who the fuck's freddie quinn he's like mate i'm trying to run a circuit comedy gig he's a decent good circuit comic just and i had to be like It's just a podcast thing Oh god sorry That is so funny

I think we're gonna have to Pay Freddie To You know when we start Doing merch We're gonna have to License his likeness Like they do on FIFA

For the players So we can get him On a t-shirt with Who the fuck is that guy That's at Freddie Quinn Promoted Please do

Keep them coming in Would you rather This is from Derek Ashton Would you rather He's put Dave Would you rather Dave and Adam Be Hugh Hefner

Or Steve Jobs Hef Yeah Yeah Yeah Why would you want to be Steve Jobs Well because he's like a tech legend and Hugh Hefner is basically a fucking sex trafficker.

So? I mean, they're both dead, so I suppose it's about legacy, isn't it? Do you know, because of this question... Oh, hang on. Well, if it's about legacy, then Steve Jobs. I think it's both.

Whose life would you want to live? So I could be born now and i live either of their lives no you have to live their lives like but they're but i don't know what you mean they're both you have to go back yeah from now yeah and you live their lives which life would you like hefner yeah it's not even close the legacy's horrific because i was like if if hefner if you have he died in 2017 if he'd have just been if everything had been shifted 10 years later, the Me Too movement would have fucked him. I don't even know whether it would, though.

You really? No, because, like, every, like, he fucked basically the most beautiful women in the world up until he died, aged 193. Not the most beautiful women in the world. Some of them were. Blonde girls who basically didn't have anywhere else to live that wanted to make it in the porn industry so he made them live with him at his weird old creepy mansion

and then he bummed them because he didn't want to get them pregnant. What's the problem? Now tell me the downside, Daniel. It's so nasty, it's unbelievable. Can you imagine? Consenting attractive women or make Chinese children work for four pence an hour

to build iPhones that you can sell for a grand. Oh, but the iPod. Yeah. It sucks. It is. I've got an iPhone. I'm not being like a morally woke prick, but they're both assholes.

Yeah. They're both assholes. But I have some information. Steve Jobs lived to be 56 and then died of pretty horrific cancer. Not that you die of, like, fun cancer. Yeah. It's all pretty bad, but... Hear about Michael?

He's got the... He's got bad cancer. The ball pit cancer. The what cancer? The ball pit cancer. It's where you constantly feel like you're in a ball pit Like a wacky warehouse Yeah

It's just fun Fun cancer And the tumours are yellow And red And green And blue I can't believe you said horrific cancer As if there's like a

Cancer light Yeah So what He died at what age age 56 of bad cancer yeah he got terminal bad cancer yeah hef got 91 he lived till 91 estimated wealth on hefner because it was rough anywhere between 50 and 150 million dollars ending around 100 million dollars Steve Jobs was 250 million he's balling

like 50 million would be enough wouldn't it yeah like once you get like they've got the same lifestyle

also what when you get to a level of wealth and everything basically living in a mansion and banging hot girls I mean then the money what's that for it's about a lempita and everything. Basically, living in a mansion and banging hot girls.

I mean, then the money's... What's that for? To buy them pizza. Adam, is that what hot girls are? I've come in your butt, girl! Get yourself a Domino's! There's money on the side! Oh, half.

Mike Tyson. Was that Mike Tyson? No, it's my Playboy voice! Oh, half. That's Mike Tyson! that Mike Tyson no it's my playboy boys oh hef that's Mike Tyson I really no that's a better Mike Tyson impression

than the one you did ten minutes ago no it's totally different no that's Michael Jackson again now mate that's when you know playboy's gone to shit when Hugh Hef

is like bring another one in hef this isn't your usual type. What would you rather be, though? Are you saying you'd rather be Steve Jobs? The answer is Hugh Hefner. All right. Yes.

Next question. Oh, what a life that man had. Would you rather, from Edson Napper, I hope some of these are just Twitter handles and not these cunts' real names. Edson Napper. Would you rather these are just Twitter handles and not these cunts reels and names Edson Napper would you rather

your bellend be the size of your head or your head be the size of your bellend pow your bellend be the size of your head your bellend

be the size of your head that's how big it would be if Mike Tyson punched it so ladies and gentlemen just before we crack on to the rest of the show just a quick

little advert here for my tour I've still got a few dates left if you want to come and see me on Sunday the

15th of March I'm at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester that is currently sold out but we might release a couple of tickets

on the day there might be a bit of standing room if you want to just turn I'm at the Frog & Bucket in Manchester that is currently sold out but we might release a couple of tickets on the day there might be a bit of standing room if you want to just turn up or ring the venue to make some returns, Thursday the 19th of March I'm going to be at Blackpool at the Comedy Station the 21st of March I'm going to be at the Improv Theatre in Bristol the 16th of April I'm going to be at Comedia

in Brighton, the 19th of April I'm going to be at Northern Farm in Maidenhead the 22nd of April, which is a Wednesday, I'm going to be at Northern Farm in Maidenhead the 22nd of April which is a Wednesday I'm going to be at the Glee Club in Nottingham Thursday the 23rd of April

I'm going to be at the Polar Bear in Hull and Friday the 24th of April is the final show of this tour at the Courthouse in Dudley

you can get tickets for all of those shows at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows A-D-A-M-R-O-W-E.co.uk forward slash shows. Go and get them. I've got support acts on most of those shows. Dan is going to be coming to join me

for a couple of them as well. You might get lucky and see Dan there. Come and see us do some stand-up, and I'll see you there. Thank you very much. It's new feature time, isn't it? Brand new feature. Oh, yeah.

So, we said to everyone, after I came back from the Leicester Comedy Festival feeling rough as a badger's dick, we asked them to send in some hangover stories and we have been getting fucking bucket loads of these, haven't we? Mate, it's one of those ones where you're like, it's almost like people have gone,

oh, God, like they're dying to tell the stories like a vietnam vet getting a flashback if by the way we don't really need the full story of the drinking do you know what i mean like you can give it context yeah we really want the hangover story that's the key like because of we've all got like funny drinking stories that's fine but we're looking for hangovers from hell yeah um one that when we were talking about it i didn't even once we got so shit-faced me and my mates from school we were about 18 and my mate sean his dad is from ireland sean's heritage is from ireland and they rented us a little cottage on the west coast of Ireland for about a week we drove over there in my mate Tim's mum's Volkswagen Polo because none of us had a car

but I had a license drove over had a great week went out drinking on the last night morons I tried to keep up with the boys I just couldn't drink like them they all played rugby I was a little theatre fanny uh we were drinking pints of Budweiser, which at the time in the UK was unheard of, but in Ireland, big thing. So I was extra shit face. Projectile vomited that night over a table, hit the table and it was so gross. The next day they woke me

like they were trying to wake me from the dead. I was like a zombie, but we had to drive because we had a ferry booked in Dublin. Oh, fuck. So there was no like, we're going to have to let him sleep it off. They had to get me up.

They'd let me... I had one of those showers. You know when you're so pissed in a shower, you're hungover, that you can't quite work out. The heat's either coming from you or the heat of the shower. Like, there's almost no difference.

Like, hot water's heating your face and then you like, get your face out of the water and you're like, oh, still hot there as well. We got about sort of 10 miles out of Westport, had a medical McDonald's. Have you ever had that when you're like, this isn't a meal. This is a prescription.

And then we drove the rest of the width of Ireland and made the ferry. And when we got on the ferry, out of the car they'd all been on the way we were like lads lads lads on the way back everyone was like oh my god oh my god how's he doing this

I got a round of applause on that ferry from the three mates genuine like 18 year old mates just going on the subject of that McDonald's

thing I would like some suggestions for the best hangover scran you can have so here's what I get. There's a place in Liverpool called Marmaris.

It's like a kebab house takeaway Chinese sort of mashup. It's on Lower House Lane in Croxton, Liverpool. It's not far from where I live. And they do a salt and pepper box, like a munchie box. So it's got chicken nuggets in, chicken pieces, chicken wings, doner meat, ribs, onion rings, loads of chips, spring rolls, and all of it in a giant 15-inch pizza box. Just full to the brim with loads of salt and pepper,

Chinese five-spice seasoning. It's 12 quid, and it comes with a pot of curry sauce and a bottle of orange Lucasade. And it's a fucking weapon to take to a hangover war has it has anyone eaten that that is an hungover i do eat it sometimes like on a tuesday afternoon as soon as they open up from you i want to take these hangovers you know people's hangovers are very serious adam okay and i want to take them seriously when we're reading them and i i think they deserve each hangover story deserves a little bit of respect.

Have you got... Kieran and Dudley sends in this. You've got backing music for... Because hangovers, it's not funny. Okay. Well, it is. We're totally taking the piss. We're trying to make it funny but I'm just trying to give them the due deference they deserve.

I feel like this is the bit in the movie where they've broken up. She's wandering around the woods on her own. I'm only keeping interrupting you because I can see how much it's winding you up. Char! What's your favourite colour, Dan? You fucking deserve this. Mine's yellow Liverpool we're gonna go Unbeaten

I'm sorry Sorry I'll start I'll start again We're going down Stop being a cunt Alright On my stag do at

Reading first This is from Kieran and Dudley On my stag do at Reading Festival, this is from Kieran and Dudley. On my stag do at the Reading Festival, my best man, Dan, had a pretty grim trip home. Whilst the weekend had basically been about me getting destroyed by my mates, Dan clearly had a big last night.

We were travelling back to the Midlands and decided to stop for food at the services. Dan, in his infinite wisdom, has then spotted that the services have shower rooms in the bathroom. He disappeared while we all had breakfast. 20 minutes passes. Half an hour. 45 minutes.

And someone has to go look for him. So hungover, he's forgotten that he doesn't have a towel with him. We all refuse to help him out because he's generally a twat anyway. He then comes out of the showers, dressed in his clothes, dripping wet, and without his socks

that he's used as two tiny towels. Socks aren't even tiny towels They're tiny flannels The idiot then has to travel home still dripping wet Bless him Oh mate Kieran Kieran gets it

That's exactly That is a 101 example of what we're after With this stuff Do you know what I'm quite If we get drunk stories as well a 101 example of what we're after with this stuff. Do you know what? I'm quite... If we get drunk stories as well, if we get a doozy or one of them,

we will read them out because there's some... I've got a drunk story that I think you'll enjoy. Yeah, but were you so drunk that you used the shower rooms at a fucking service station? Which is...

God, I can't, I see them and I'm like, oh, it's dirty. That's where lorry drivers wash and they're definitely dirt bags. Yeah. Lorry drivers and prostitutes. That's,

that's there. Is it? Yeah. I wonder if there's any lorry, I wonder if there's any long distance haulage drivers listening to this. Was that a pun on whore? Haulage? If so so kudos

so here's a story for you I think you'll like this so this was about I think nine years ago right

and I'd been doing stand up about nine months or something and Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool back then was just an open mic night do you want this

no go on it's an open mic. And Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool back then was just an open mic night. Do you want this? No, go on. It's an open mic night. Liverpool, Hot Water, go. So Hot Water Comedy Club was an open mic night in Liverpool at the time, just a Sunday night. But they were running a comedian of the year competition. Right?

So it was semi-final night and I was in the semi-final. And it was in Envy, the nightclub, which is no longer there, RIP. But we were there every week, and there was a few regulars, obviously, you know what I mean? And because it was a big night and they'd sold loads of tickets, they named a load of drinks at the bar after us, right? So there was a four-pint pitcher of lager was the Paul Smith.

It's big, it's orange. It's Paul Smith, right? Right. And the Adam Rowe was the one-pound vodka Red Bull, and it was just like the one-pound vodka Red Bull. Adam Rowe is in envy every fucking night. That sort of thing. So Paul Smith goes on stage, and he bores himself a four-pint pitcher of lager

because that's his drink, and the audience immediately starts chanting, Down it, down it, down it. and he got about half a pint into it and was like i can't do it so everyone's calling him a pussy i said to carl really good mate of mine i could do that defo get me one now and i'll do it on stage as part of my set and i'll definitely win the semi-final if i can do that and he's like shut up not giving paying a tenner for a fucking four-pint pitcher if you just down it and ruin the whole fucking night whatever uh so he never got me but then i i won that night and i took some money out with me i got given 100 quid prize money i'd spent all of it in envy on a combination of one pound vodka red bulls buying a few people

drinks one pound jaeger bombs and i was fucking hammered, right? And there's a girl... It just made my heart hurt thinking about Funker Rebel, that much Funker Rebel in your system. The next day... We'll get to that in a minute. There was a girl who worked for me at the time and I really fancied her. She was an Irish girl called Michelle

and she had that sexy Irish girl accent. She was quite powerful and aggressive, reminded me of my old RE teacher and it just did something for me. It's called Mr. Edwards. Yeah, it just did. I was into it and I'd been into it for a while, but back then I wasn't as confident with the ladies as I would

be these days, so I hadn't told her. I'd fancied her for months and not told her but because I was full of like vodka Red Bull and Jagermeister I was sort of contemplating it

then Carl and at the time Paul Smith's girlfriend came up to me and was like do you still think you could do a four point picture now

and I went yeah absolutely so they gave me it and I've still got footage of this I will find it it's on an old phone

that I've kept forever because of this. It's in the house. Battery's dead. I'll try and charge it. And I'll try and put the video on the Have A Weird Pod Twitter, right? I got about three and a half pints in to a four-pint pitcher. This is about three or four o'clock in the morning. I'm already hammered.

And I'm going for it. And I got so close to doing it. Got a massive round of applause from everyone. Like, oh, that was actually a really good effort, lad really good effort but now i'm in a very very very bad way um and i'm started like you know like on tec and or is a street fighter can your stomach take three and a half pints of fluid in unfortunate turn of phrase in one in one go erm well the answer's no the fact that you could

keep that in there for three seconds is impressive erm well it wasn't much longer than that so I'm literally swaying

and is it Street Fighter or Tekken where it was finish him what was that Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat get over here

where he's just stood swirling in the corner that's what I look like I'm I'm fucked and Carl comes over here. Where he's just stood swirling in the corner. That's what I look like. I'm fucked. And Carl comes over to me and he's like, you're right, lad, you had a good day. And I went, I'm going to go and tell Michelle.

Oh, no. That I love her. Oh, no. And that I fancy her. Oh, God. And Carl went, okay, cool. Because that's what a good friend does in that situation. He sees his mate in peril and about to make a massive fucking mistake and goes, well well this is fantastic music

so I walked over to the bar and Michelle was on her own behind the bar no other staff in at this point it was a Sunday night in a nightclub it was about four in the morning

they're getting ready to shut we're just the last customers in and I stared at her across the bar and I can sort of remember in my head

going compose yourself if I was drunk and you got one shot, one opportunity, seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. But it's going to be mum's spaghetti.

Where's your capsule? Where's Leslie? And I went to say to her, I want to take you out for a drink. Oh no. And what I did instead was projectile vomited and when I say projectile vomited I mean

I don't mean like it went like 30 centimetres out of my mouth I mean have you seen Team America World Police? yeah like a 5 yard reach like if we were playing darts i could have hit the board from the official the official like dartboard line that they draw

and it hit her it went all over the bar and all over her face she had to go and sort herself out and then because there was no other staffing she also had to clean it up off the bar the next day i woke up and remembered none of it i just remembered that i'd won and that we'd had a wonderful night so i text carl i was like we're gonna get some food and he was like yeah we should probably do that shouldn't be allowed and i turned up at his and i was like come on then let's go and he was like do you want to talk about what happened last night and i went what are you talking about and then he stared at me for long enough for my brain to sort of flash back oh yeah the night before his events um and yeah i remembered it and then that later that day i i

ended up in hospital getting an ecg because of the vulcan rebel so an ecg yeah you know an ecg is where they think you're having a heart attack yeah well i thought i was having a heart attack so they they by law have to check it and they basically went you are put you're having a heart attack yeah well I thought I was having a heart attack so they by law have to check it and they basically went you are showing the symptoms of a heart attack but you're not actually having one

was it the Red Bull or was it just shame and embarrassment like oh my god I've never felt shame like I think I must be having a heart attack no you just puked

on the girl you fancy I wasn't I found it funny because she found it funny like I texted her immediately it was like Michelle I just remember what happened I'm really fucking sorry I'm really sorry she was i wasn't i found it funny because she found it funny like i texted her immediately it was like michelle i just remember what happened i'm really fucking sorry i'm really sorry she was like don't worry about it it was disgusting but it's a funny story isn't she found it funny she found it very funny where is this girl what a fucking absolute trooper she gone

back to ireland somewhere i think she's in asia actually i think she went in Asia actually I think she went travelling I might be wrong now If Michelle McClements is listening to this Big shout out You fucking ledge She was great Michelle And then I ended up working She's in Asia Getting the coronavirus

It's a good laugh you know I fucking love a bit of COVID-19 How sound is that girl? That's my hangover story. Not only did I vomit all over a woman, but I was hospitalized with the symptoms of a heart attack at the age of 19. And I don't do cocaine.

So it was like, and do you know what it's like to have those heart symptoms and have a doctor look at you like, how much cocaine have you done? I'm being like, I swear to God, I've never done it. He's like, you're 19, you're having a heart attack. It's cocaine, isn't it? I'm like, I swear to God, I've never done it. He's like, you're 19, you're having a heart attack. It's cocaine, isn't it? I'm like, I swear to God, it was energy drinks. He's like, it'd have to be a lot of energy drinks.

I was drinking energy drinks mixed with vodka from about 7pm until about 6 o'clock in the morning. It's 11 hours of constant Red Bull speed in your heart, raise up on vodka, slowing it down in your heart, being like, we really don't know what to do with this. If you died if you had a heart attack that day, that

would not be as funny a hangover story but do you think Envy as a nightclub would be in any way like guilty of murder because I really think I think you could put manslaughter on there like when someone serving you the 43rd discount,

vodka, Red Bull drink, you'd be like, that probably should be a limit, you know, 30 per, per customer. When you're panic buying vodka,

Red Bulls, someone not, it's not Michelle. Cause she's too sound. So someone should be like, Adam, 30 is enough. When you're like, Adam, 30's enough. And you're like...

Yeah, awful. But phenomenal at the same time. Keep your hangover stories coming in. We've got some. We're going to work through them, and we'll take them very seriously. Because heart attacks on 19-year-olds, you know, they're not funny.

But as long as you don't have one, it's really funny. Do keep them coming in. We have got some of those to get through over the next few weeks, but the more the merrier. We'll get through them all, and the better they are, the quicker they'll get read out.

Get them into us, haveawordpod at gmail.com, along with your would-you-rathers and your have-a-words. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. This is Have a Word. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems that you have with your friends.

Keep going. There was more to it last time. It's your verse. You tell us all the bullshit that they've done and we'll call them cunts and it will be loads of fun. Oh, God. See, you know, before when I said I can't do ad-libbing, I can't sing ad-lib either. And now you've proved it.

But if you want stories about me wanking on buses and in front of girls on holiday, I'm your man. This guy. Okay, got a few other words to do this week. okay uh got a few have a words to do this week first one is from a regular listener and someone who came and seen both of us actually at the tour show in chester uh so this is from carly it says hello adam and dan can you have a word with people and people is in capitals uh can you have a word with the people who start podcasts slash programs with you and then start skipping ahead and watching or listening to them on their own?

Gobshites. Me and my boyfriend Stephen started listening to the podcast together, but he started listening to it on his own on his way back from work and stuff. Have a fucking word. Well, first of all, this is tantamount to having an affair.

Let's just say that i have never heard of a couple listening to a podcast together like so for me i love podcasts i listen to a load like it's very me it's very private that that's like driving to gigs or fucking around in the garden yeah mowing the lawn that's a i i'd never like let's look together come on sit down laura put your phone away let's listen to a podcast so i'm mad impressed that they've been like we'll listen to that together yeah i'm a hundred percent with you on that um that if jabe's like i've got a podcast should we just do it together i'll be like no tell me what one it is and when i'm driving to fucking norwich i'll listen to it on my own hey i don't wank in front of my wife I'm not fucking listening to podcasts in front of her

Are they correlations? You think there's a correlation line between those two things on the graph? I really like podcasts So yeah let's just say that is a bit weird For us for you to have a thing together But when you're on a Netflix series Yeah I think it's like cheating

Steady And that's why I think it's like cheating Steady And that's why I think It shouldn't count as cheating on your partner If you do something with someone else That they won't do What? Right Hang on

That was the biggest jump ever No, no, right One minute I was like Yeah, you never skip ahead on Ozark What? Are you fucked or what? Right, no You've been pegged

Right, listen So let's say Laura asked you to do something, and you were just like, I'm sorry, I can't do that. Right. And she's not for me, it's never going to happen. Lasts more than three minutes. Yeah.

She's like, I need that fourth minute, it's when it really hit me straight. Babe. No, but something like, you're just taboo, and you're just like, I'm never going to be into that. And she, like, she keeps bringing it up.

I'm trying to think of something. It might have been like, uh. She keeps bringing it up, though, and she's like, come on, I really want to do this, and I'll never feel truly sexually completed

unless we get to do it. Right, instead of breaking up, because you can't satisfy it, isn't it better to just let it go and find someone who'll do it and i'll tell you why i think this is along the same lines right if if me and jade start watching a series together then she can never watch that with someone else that's ours but just because i don't want to watch something doesn't mean she can never watch it. And it's the same thing.

Right, hang on. I'm not saying you're wrong. I've just lost your reasoning. Say you're watching Ozark. I only say that because the third series is about to come out and me and Loz are excited about it. Ozark is one that we love. Thrones, Game of Thrones, same level. We watched that together.

If it got recorded Sunday night Game of Thrones it was ready for Monday night we she would be fuming if I went ahead and watch it on the afternoon yeah because then I'm less in awe of like shit that happens and she's like oh look you've fucking seen it so that I get that but what you what you saying but Laura's got no right to be pissed off if you watch an nfl game actually because she doesn't want to watch it yeah okay i know you're gonna say well i'm watching the nfl on my own but you can't shit on your own chest can you right so you're saying sexually if if she wants to like peg someone with a dildo yeah and i'm like. Yeah. So it's either like, we only do it together,

or you can do it on your own. Yeah. I don't know. I think I... I don't know. This is how important Game of Thrones is. I'm like, they're both bad. I give you that.

They're both bad. No, what I'm saying is, if Laura wanted to do that, would you rather sexually suppress her forever and say, you're never going to do that with me and you're not allowed to do it? So that one thing that you crave, you can never ever fucking have.

Never. Or let her do it. Just go and do it. You can't kiss him, because we do that. Right. You can't suck his dick. You can't fucking properly.

Would I rather suppress it? Adam, I really don't think you understand how marriage works. It is about 90% suppression. So you wouldn't just let her go and fuck a man in the ass? No! Why?

No, sir! Why? Because that's the whole deal. No! But you don't do it. She can't kiss him. She can't even hug him based on these rules.

She's just got to go into a fucking... She's got to bang him. She's just got to go into a travel lodge on the M4. He's already waiting and she fucks him in the arse

alright Steve yeah yeah and then she comes back yeah oh could you imagine how awkward that would be when she came in the house

like alright babe did you have fun yeah but it's not cheating it's not it's because you don't do it together

cheating is you here doing something that you do together with someone else okay so what you're saying it now works the other way. So, if I'm into stuff and Laura doesn't do it,

you think I'm completely validated by going and getting it. Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think many women listening to this podcast are going to be like, God, Adam, you've really opened my eyes to this. Like. So, what I'm saying, so you're saying how it's like TV

is it basically if we watch Ozark Game of Thrones together you cannot go and watch it somewhere else

yeah but I'm not arsed about you know the real housewives of Atlanta so you can go and do that she can watch that with whoever she wants yeah

yeah and I think that's a valid point but I'm still not having a bum in a guy called Steve in a travel lodge off the M4. Do you know what would be double hard if she's like, after she bummed him, after she pegged him, she was like, Steve, look what I've got.

I've got the HBO app on my phone. Should we watch an episode of Game of Thrones just to fuck my husband over? And he'd be like, no, you dirty bitch. Haven't you already fucked around with my bum and me? No, we have a rule we have a rule I can do this

pick the episode with the dildo go on touch it touch the screen with the dildo but yeah you can't we will have a way with Steve and EF

for Carly because you can't be doing this I was fucking around there obviously you can't just go bumming whoever you want just because you miss

it was such I was just trying to draw a comedy parallel it was so complicated theory i was like i need to get my head fully around it but at the end of it i'm like i don't really agree and also i've now visualized i don't agree i know but it was funny the journey was funny but it really ended up with me imagining a guy getting bummed by my wife. And in the end I'm like, God, that's been a weird one, hasn't it? Just visually.

But what I'm taking from it is, looking forward to Ozark. Yeah, Stephen, I know you listen to this podcast, lads. And you can't be skipping it, Ed. Like, you've started it together now. You're just going to have to wait and listen to it at Carl's. Yeah. Yeah.

Have a way with yourself, Stephen, lad. Don't be't be skipping i love my wife oh she doesn't leave me basically steven either keep listening to it together or someone's gonna piss on your bit next one next one right the next one fair warning is a bit longer and it's it's best described as fucking heavy okay this is this is a serious one right okay so i was sent this on instagram right uh it's it's from a guy who doesn't want to be named uh because there's a third party who might listen to this who he doesn't want to know that it's about him so he he's asked us to use the name for him bernard so bernard has emailed in uh yes and the the person he wants us to have a word with is someone not called Pat. But for the purposes of this, we'll be called Pat.

So Bernard has emailed in about Pat. Yeah. I love how we've got like... You've stolen me place, you little people! Oh, you're not ready for this, you know. You're really not ready for it. And our listeners aren't ready for it. It's about to go down.

By the way, are you going to be able to keep saying Bernard and Pat? You've not got the real names in the email, have you? The real name's in the email, but I'll nail it. I'll nail it. Are you deaf on it? I'll nail it. Right, get this right, Adam. Hi, Adam.

Because I regularly forget to edit this shit out. Hi, it says his mum. Go on. Do you know what I've noticed as well? I've got to give you an honest thing here. I don't listen back. I can't listen to my own voice, so I don't listen to any of the episodes.

Once I leave here, I trust you to edit it, and I just promote it, right? But what that means is, I'm getting random quotes sent to me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, where they're like, oh, fucking a dog out, wait, funny that,

and I'm like, is that something I said six weeks ago? What episode is that? Exactly! Mate, that's the problem as well. The longer this shit goes, the episodes will be up for... People will be discovering the podcast like, fucking hell, Dan. I barely remember what we've said today, never mind last week.

Do you know what I mean? It's really funny. Anyway. Hi, Adam. Loving the podcast. Can't wait for the next installment. You guys really crack me up. Well, thank you very much, Bernard.

Huh. Professional. Nailed it. I've got to have a word for the two installment you guys really crack me up well thank you very much bernard huh professional nailed it i've got to have a word for the two of you but i'm not sure if it's me you should be having a word with or pat uh currently my best friend but she's also the love of my life right okay okay you're gonna have to start start again because I was literally waiting for you to trip up so much that I wasn't listening to this. Start again. Start again. Hi, I'm loving the podcast.

Can't wait for the next installment. You guys really crack me up. Thank you, Bernard. Very professional. I've got to have a word with the two of you, but I'm not sure if it's me you should be having a word with or Pat, currently my best friend, but she's also the love of my life.

Oh, so Bernard loves Pat? Bernard loves Pat Bernard loves Pat oh god we met six years ago and we were just colleagues he's actually said colleges which is funny we were just colleges

trying to teach teenagers but I've read between the acts I did GMPQ we were just colleagues for the first three years right we shared the same interests but neither of us let any feelings grow as We were just colleagues for the first three years. Right. We shared the same interests, but neither of us let any feelings grow

as we were both married at the time. Ooh. We both separated within a couple of months of each other, and within six months, we were seeing each other. Lovely story. Okay. The relationship didn't last long as Pat wanted to be on her own for a bit

and concentrate on her kids, as they'd obviously had a rough time due to her divorce. Yeah, okay. Six months after a marriage, you know, sounds like you've done a bit and concentrates on her kids as they'd obviously had a rough time due to her divorce. Yeah, okay. Six months after a marriage, you know, sounds like you've done a bit of a gap, but it's not long, is it?

It's not long. We remained friends, best friends, in fact, up until November last year and I started seeing a girl which Pat took on the chin. This ended after only a couple of weeks

as I knew I would never fall in love with this woman so I ended it before it became serious and she or either of our kids got hit. So we just... He had a few weeks with someone and was like... In November. Yeah.

Ended it before he had to buy a Christmas present. Oh, what a fucking legend, Ben. Clever, clever. Yeah. He's like, I'm not buying these stepkids a fucking PlayStation game. Literally. Once you've had the eighth chocolate out of the advent calendar they've bought,

you can't dump. Seven chocolate... One to seven, you can't dump. Seven chocolate, any one to seven, you can still dump. You can literally, as you're chewing chocolate seven. A chocolate dose. After that, buy a cheap present. And a half of my Christmas bonus. I'm joking.

I've actually done that. I literally got to the 12th, went to dump someone and they were like, I've had a really bad day. Can we just have a nice time? It's my one day off before Christmas. And I'd gone to dump her

and I was like, I was like, okay, let's have a nice day. And I dated her for another month. Of course. Did you buy a present?

Yeah. I spent about 50% less than I would have. Yeah. Good boy. 50th of jan go i'm sorry pat i told pat that i'd broken up with this woman who i only dated for a couple of weeks uh as she was a great friend and it was someone i would turn to it was a rough week and so i needed a bit of a kick and to speak to a friend and their best friends uh pat broke down

and confessed how the last few weeks have been the hardest of her life that she loves me and never wants to lose me again she got well joe so after uh you know seeing each other after the divorce and then becoming friends she realized no i can't just be friends with this guy i'm madly in love with him and it's it took him dating this other woman for her to realize that it's's a classic woman. What? I said classic woman move. It is, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're fucking mental, aren't they, Daniel?

These women people with their shitty women brains. Char! I'm setting me, nasty bitch! Which it is, though, isn't it? Like, oh, I just think we maybe need a bit more of a break for my kids. I'm seeing someone else. Oh, I think I love you. Sorry, go on.

So, Pat has now told Bernard, madly in love with you. It's absolutely devastating to me kids i'm seeing someone else oh i think i love you sorry go on so pat has now told bernard madly in love with you it's absolutely devastating me that you were seeing someone else yeah uh pat is the woman who made me realize at the age of 35 i'd never been in love before even with my ex-wife oh because the love i have for this woman is in the stratosphere i fell into her arms and we shared a blissful two weeks together i fell into her arms and we spent a blissful fortnight and then the bitch crazy um we spent a blissful two weeks together then the woman i was dating for two weeks got back in touch with me and told me she's pregnant. Who the fuck is that guy? Disgusting! Upset me, nasty bitch! Upset me, nasty bitch!

Oh my god! Oh mate, for the rest of this, have a word. We're just going to have this on the background. It gives me PTSD. Can't have that on. Fucking hell. So, Pat jumped ship immediately. Oh, Pat.

Sort of understandably, as I have a child on the way. She said she couldn't watch me have a child with another woman. It would be too painful. But she still wants to be friends. She said, I'll tell myself it'll be easier this way because I know we can't be together because you've got a child on the way with this other woman. Mate, mate, you haven't got time for friends.

I honestly don't understand what the difference is. Friends slash partners. It's still going to feel the same if she loves me. She's a mega commitment phobe. I know this. Am I better cutting all ties so I can move on? Or should I be telling her to get a grip and if she loves me, she should deal with it

as she's already doing and just understand that I'm raising a child with another woman. I need your help, lads. Me head's banging. Who are you going to have a word with? Me, Bernardard or her pat that that's for the the the email this is hall of fame shit and this is for your life jeez oh geez that is epic adam and you know when you were building up there was a little bit of me thought adam is really over building this now and not possible is it when you drop the the girl got

back in from november you know the old seven chocolates out of the calendar looks like you left a fucking chocolate in the calendar mother fucker shit was it a kinder surprise calendar oh bernard lons

what's in there what's in 25 open up 25 there's a pregnancy test damn kinder you fuck me who's in the wrong who's in the right

do you think Pat should be like ah it doesn't matter you're having a kid with this other woman you were fucking for two weeks Bernard Bernard Bernard I'm on your side

and I'm not being a dick I'm on your side you have you've got a girl pregnant that's that's life with you know

shit happens no judgement on that your life is complicated you've made it complicated That's life. You know, shit happens. No judgment on that. Your life is complicated. You've made it complicated. There's no blame. It's complicated. I would suggest you deal with the complication at hand because Pat, as much as you love her,

is hard fucking work, isn't she? She is. She sounds like hard work work, isn't she? She is. She sounds like hard work. You break up, you're mates, you like each other, then she's like, I need break,

I've got my kids, six months, I need a break. Then, oh my God, you've seen someone, I love you. Oh my God,

you got her pregnant, I can't deal with it, we'll still be mates. It's a fucking nightmare. You're already having a child with an enemy, so. Do you not think Pat

has got a slight bit of reasoning to be like, you know what, that woman you fucked for two weeks, which was really upsetting me, actually, and I know I'm being... I couldn't let me feel in show and blah, blah, blah, but the fact you're having a kid with her, I just can't get past that. Do you not think that's a bit reasonable?

Selfish. Selfish from Pat. No, not really, but I'm not on her side, weirdly. I'm not on her side because even though I know divorces and separating and if you've got kids, it's all difficult. It's so eggy. It reminds me of girls at A-level, like, we were seeing each other from the first week of first year

and then I dumped you because I saw you looking at Karen in the quad and then you started seeing because I saw you looking at Karen in the quad and then you started seeing someone and I felt really bad so I said to you it was the hardest two weeks of my life and we got back and I'm like how old are you? Are you in your mid thirties? Got my arse in all that bullshit Also Bernard lad Does Pat sound hard work?

Yeah. A little bit. But he loves her? Yeah he does. Like if you love someone like who isn't hard work? I'm a pain in the ass. I know for a fact you are. Laura must do your editing as well. Jade drives me up the fucking wall six out of seven days a week. But that seventh day is worth it.

When you're rested. Yeah. I, yeah. Have you thought, Bernard, of just abandoning this child? No. Why? Because that's, we can't have a, have a,

you know when we do have a word? Yeah. We can't have a word with an unborn child. You know what, Pat and Bernard, we're on your side, but I'm

going to have a word with this unborn child. No, I'm not having a word with the unborn child. Just get the, you know.

Just get rid of it. Just say, no, I don't want it. Bye. I don't want that baby. Should I just crack one out next to her shouldn't you

through the awkwardness why'd you do this I want to sleep with you fuck that I've listened to have a word that's what he'll be doing from now on yeah maybe we should

change it oh Bernard yeah that's the new name of the podcast it's have a wank that's our advice just have a wank that mate that's the new name of the podcast have a wank that's our advice just have a wank that load is shot

I think abandon the child that's what I think you know your ability to say things with a straight face is fucking unnerving sometimes ten minutes ago you're telling my wife to peg someone in a fucking travel lodge and you just don't even blink.

Abandon the child and go and live. Because you're going to resent the child, aren't you? He's going to hate that kid. Is this why he didn't want his name said on the podcast? Because he doesn't want the child support agents? CSA on his case. He's going to hate the kid. He's not going to love that kid.

No, he's not. He's not going to love that kid. He's not going to love that child. That child is either going to grow up with no dad or a dad who hates him. What's better? That's the situation we've got here. He's going to hate the kid. He's going to resent the kid

because that kid is why he's not with the love of his life. What if he gets Pat pregnant? He's not fucking Pat anymore. Pat doesn't want to touch his dick. Matter of time. You reckon? Yeah, man. You reckon they're getting back together?

I don't know if they're getting back together for good, but I think they've got another good two weeks in them. Won't you back? Won't you back for good? I think Pat, as much as you love her... Whoever I fucked, whoever I fucked, I didn't mean it. I'll abandon all my kids. I'll abandon, I'll abandon, I'll abandon. Can I just, also,'t mean it. I'll abandon all my kids. I'll abandon.

I'll abandon. I'll abandon. Can I just, also, once you've banged someone, you can't really be mates. All this bullshit of like, can we just be friends? No, not really. Once my dick's been in you, we're not bezos, are we? So stop pretending.

I'm not. What? Have you been to a travel lodge with my wife? No, you can't be mad. I hate all that bullshit. Listen, I've got women who are really close friends of mine,

but you can't, once you've banged, you can't be mates. Can you? So what if, nevermind, Pat's, the, the,

the, he's, he's, he can't be close friends i think like you can be amicable yeah you can't be like come around watch the game it's not happening come around a bunch of kids you know so bernard moves on and he meets another one woman betty he meets betty down the line she's not been in the scene yet Pat's Pat's his mate and he's like

oh Betty look I love you to bits and obviously I've got 19 kids with different women from my past and they keep happening that's not good but I'm

I'm mates with Pat we had a weird on and off relationship and she was the love of my life but we're mates now you know so we're mates is that alright Betty

Betty will be like go fuck yourself yeah I couldn't handle that. I don't think you can be mates with someone you've banged. I really don't class myself as a jealous person at all. Like, if there's lads liking and commenting on Jade's pictures, I trust her so much, I'm just like, it's fine. But, like, being really good mates with an ex is just, ugh.

Because there's so much there. There must be. Especially if it was a relationship. Not just a one night stand that they've sort of ended up in your life from, but a relationship. And this is a relationship, isn't it? This is a relationship that hasn't quite happened,

but Defo would have. Could you, this is the, right, right. You got, could you go drink? Could you go to the cinema, you and your mate? Yeah. Think of any of your mates now in your head. Carl in Japan, Bondi, my mate from school. And then I think of my mate Kate John, my mate Moor Grew,

Kate Moor Grew, one of my best mates, my mate Jenny D from college. I can go cinema on my own with them, go drinking with them. And if we're out drinking, we could stay in a hotel room. If they're like, it's just two twins, I'd be like, yeah, it's fine, just get hammered anyway, bang. And Laura would not fucking blink. Would any future partner of Bernard be like yeah it's fine just get hammered anyway bang and laura would not fucking blink would any future partner of bernard be like oh yeah you went drinking did you went to cinema then went drinking then you stayed in a hotel with pat nah you couldn't so you're not mate i think

you'd look a bit laura there as well to be honest with you like i've got female friends who there's it's completely platonic and there would never be anything in it and if I was like to Jade I'm going drinking with Amy and we couldn't get

two hotel rooms we were just going to stay in the same one Jade would be like are you fuck mate I don't know but you know Mulgrew

you know my mate Katie Mulgrew like I'm best I'm best mates with her I'm incredibly close with her husband known incredibly close With her husband Known them all 15, 20 years

I know But like It doesn't It doesn't register It's almost like It's like It's like Sharing a room with your sister

That's how I see it Yeah She's my mate Yeah That Yeah and I That's not I totally get it

But I'm saying Jade My missus would be like I don't trust you to not Fuck your Imaginary sister You are pretty You are pretty hot though Adam I am yeah Yeah Jade, my missus, would be like, I don't trust you, so not fuck your imaginary sister. You are pretty. You are pretty hot, though, Adam. I am, yeah.

Yeah? Sexy guy. As long as you're not chewing chewing gum. It's not chewing gum. What's our advice? What are we saying? Right, well, let's start the advice. I've written it all down here.

It's taken a few pages. Bernard, you need to use a condom. No, okay. You can't go back in time and use a condom. There's a kid on the way. He loves Pats. And he's having a baby with a woman. He hasn't even named the other woman.

I don't even think he knows her name. I think he's just calling in November at the minute. She's saved in his phone as, like, Wetherspoons woman I I don't know if I don't know it's so huge but

it's such a heavy one innit I get bad Pat vibes I get bad vibes about her I think she's hard work but you're so you're telling them to just not be in love

with Pat anymore that's your advice just turn that off but she's a nightmare. You don't have to fuck her. No, man, I'm thinking about Bernard. Yeah, but... Bernard doesn't want...

Bernard doesn't think she's a pain in the ass. Bernard's in love with her. He can see past all of that. Yeah. But I mean, I... You know, I like kebabs. Oh, my God. You've got to be wary with them, haven't you? You can't have them every night.

Did you just call Pat a kebab? No, but I'm just saying, just because you love something doesn't mean you need to just fucking throw yourself head first at it. You've got to be careful. He's been married before and didn't love his wife at any point as much as he loves Pat. Oh, I know, but... To him. What's your advice?

Just head first into Pat. I'm not a child. You're a bad person. I'm not. That's bad. I'm not. I'm an objective person. What I'm saying is actually for the kids' benefit.

Okay. For the kid's benefit. It's so serious, but... I really think... Fuck Pat. Fuck her off as all shagga. She's not having it. She's not having what? She doesn't want it.

Yeah. There's no monopoly being played in that relationship, mate. But she does want it. It's because of the kid. The kid's the problem do you know what I know that the people listening to this

will be parents and they'll be like they'll have that point in their head going well no because you're a parent so it doesn't matter how it's happened

every lad listening to this who's not a dad is like yeah mate fuck the kid off Adam's right and everyone who's got kids he's like no because it's a kid and it's your responsibility partly no fuck pat off so you're saying fuck pat

off she's a nightmare and you can't be mates with her so he's just got to cut ties well what's the point would you be mates with her can you be mates with her i don't think you can be mates with her i think realistically because obviously you can't abandon your kid unless you want to. Me the kid if the kid looks like a future footballer maybe you just need a couple of years. If the kid's like

Daddy! Yeah alright okay fuck that. Change your phone. You can't you can't abandon your kid. I think realistically

a Bernard lad Bernie Berno you've got to you've got to cut ties. Like you berno uh you've gotta you've gotta cut ties i'd like you can't by what you're saying you one the one thing that isn't an option is for you and pat to be good mates it's just never gonna happen because you're always gonna be lusting after her if she gets into a relationship with another guy it's gonna fucking kill you like and she's never gonna

like watching you with another woman or with this kid she's gonna hate your kid because she's gonna be looking at like if it waiting for that kid we'd be together and i think you're gonna look at the kid that way as well to be honest with you and i know that's not a nice thing to hear uh and i'm sorry for planting it in your head but i do think that it does make this is a fucking eggy situation and i think you've got much bigger problems than we can possibly solve for you well he knew that when he emailed in really did he a fucking eggy situation and I think you've got much bigger problems than we can possibly solve for you.

Well, he knew that when he emailed in, really, didn't he? But he can't fuck the... I think he's just looking for advice from anyone. He can't fuck the kid off. Okay.

You're not allowed. Well, he's got to fuck Pat off then. You know what happened to Pat? Say she does meet someone, she'll be like, I can't do it, you've got to raise this kid.

She'll meet someone three months down the line. I got pregnant and he wants nothing to do with it. And do you know what bernard now that i'm pregnant with another man's child i realize that i have always loved you will you take me back you fucking hate pat don't you i'm off her i've gone right fucking off her and this unborn kid i've really warmed to him or her so yeah my advice certainly is i think the only thing you can do, lad, is if you love someone, let her go.

Let Pat go. Yeah. And just going forward in terms of who you're banging, if you could just get Mike Tyson to bang you out in the dick, that would be great because you need to put that bad boy away. A bit of bruising would do you the fucking world of good. This is true. Sorry that you're in an awful situation, Bernard, mate. Oh, right. Well, we're not going to top that for just fucking severity and drama, are we? I think we are. Human drama. I think

we've got to call that a podcast, haven't we? It's been emotional. We've got a song to play us out, as always. What have you got? I'm just getting it up now. While Adam's doing that, I'd like to say, if you ever want to see Tez Ilias live, he's absolutely superb. And Tez, all respect to you and your family. And Mike Tyson, I'm sorry for any offence.

Michael Jackson, probably a pedo, so less of an... And he's dead, so it's fine. Sorry, go on. You ready? I was just making a's fine. Sorry, go on. You ready? I was just making a few apologies. Pat, fuck you. Ladies and gentlemen, please keep all your submissions coming in

for the Have A Weird section, the Would You Rather section, and the Hangover section. And if you've got any questions you just want to ask us as well, get them in as well. You can contact either me or Dan on social media. I'm at Adam Rowowe Comedy on Twitter.

Dan is at Dan Has A Podcast. And the podcast's own Twitter is haveawordpod, at haveawordpod. And if you want to email us, that's the best way to get us, to be honest with you, haveawordpod at gmail.com. We've got some exciting news coming up in the next few weeks about the future of the podcast and stuff.

And once we've got some plans in place, we'll get them over to you. Thank you so much for downloading. And remember, double download week. If you've got some plans in place we'll get them over to you thank you so much for downloading and remember double download week if you've got someone in your life who you could just say

do us a favour subscribe to this podcast or just download this week's episode let's double our download numbers and see where we can get in the charts

on Apple if you can that'd be the best one for us but as long as you're listening and spreading the word for us we're very very grateful to play us out this week

we've got Design Rewind, a fantastic band. Go and check them out on the internet. Mate, I love this. It's a banger, innit? Can we ask them, once we've played them out, if they like the podcast,

if we can use this as a guide? Again. Because I think it's amazing. I almost don't believe that there's... Who fucking made this? It's phenomenal their quality their quality their name is

Design Rewind they're brilliant and this is their song Stone Cold Thriller we'll see you next week see ya bye Just that word on your own Wait a bit, stop, check your phone

You start cold, free that mystify All that's done. Ready to go. Drive it too fast. And the birdies are stone cold freedom. Fantasize. I just got paid. I'm rich for a day.

It makes me smile. It's time to meet that friend of mine. I will be mine Spencer, can you call us nice tonight? Suddenly behind the nine and five Get the water, I won't hold you back tonight Ooh Stone cold freedom Ooh, Stone Cold Freedom Ooh, Stone Cold Freedom Brand new friends and you got the vibe Music on live with your body right

Stone Cold Freedom Mystified Take those shoes from side to side Music on live with your 45 Stone cold freedom Mystified Take those shoes from side to side Bring it on down for the bonafide Stone cold freedom Fantasize I want to dance This is my chance

It's got to be I'm out all night No end in sight I'm out all night, nowhere inside, I'm feeling free You're just a killer, call it ice tonight Suddenly

behind the night I'm proud Guess no one is out Hold me right tonight I don't want to be that Star called freedom Star called freedom Oh freedom Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, StarCult Freedom Star-Called Freelance Star-Called Freelance Star-Called Freelance Oh, I'm free now. Thank you.