Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #101 with Tom Lucy - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full epsiodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favourite podcasting

because Adam says all sorts of shit that can't go on the proper internet. Once you sign up, you get the full back catalogue of all the patron exclusive we've done every week since May 2019.

You also get to watch the now legendary Lockdown Lock-In where we got absolutely shit-faced and recorded it. Oh my God, it got messy. And any more

Lockdown Lock-Ins will only be on Patreon. Once you subscribe, you also get early access to the public episodes. The public get it on Monday, you'll get it on Saturday morning. And there's discounts on merch, discounts on live tickets. It's an amazing deal. We're dead proud of it. This Patreon has got us through one of the worst years of our career,

but we also think it's a fucking dealio. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl.

I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up!

Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. 101?

101. We're officially into our second century of episodes yeah yeah like a fucking sick batsman

at the cricket sick batsman that was so much more gangster than cricket ever is he's a fucking bad boy opening batsman lad

yeah takes a fucking new ball and smashes it you've been into cricket you don't give off a cricket vibe. But now I've found out you're in a chess club, things are changing.

Yeah, I was in a chess club and I liked... I think it might have been 2006, there was Ashes. Yeah, Ashes. It was one that we... Was it 2006? Yeah, it was, yeah. Flintoff, Peterson. Oh, no, 2004, wasn't it? It was around that time.

I used to play cricket in my front 2004 I think Because I was doing big value that year In Edinburgh I was doing me year 9 sats Yeah Dan's really old I got into it that year

Yeah but I was smashing posts What were you doing? I mean I did actually have sex at Fringe Did you? Yes Yeah Back in the day when Dan was a shagger No I I really got into it that year

But I've never really Like It's just the fact that they can play for like three weeks And then go Ah it was a draw Like that just does my head in Three weeks Yeah

They can't know if it gets rained off enough No It has to rain after five days. Yeah, it's just five days. Five days. Well, alright, potato, potato. Okay, good. Three weeks, five days. I don't think Adam would have been a great accountant, would he? You've written down £200,000, but where's the

£1.2 million? Potato, potato! Numbers, numbers, numbers! Numbers! No, it's a bit of a I mean it is the ultimate fucking Tory fest isn't it like yeah I'd love to just take like a bottle of fucking

sours and some fucking stella to the cricket and just get it you know singing like it does go off oh it made me get an absolute shit face

Bondi's not bothered about any sport my best mate from school Bondi he was in the rugby team, couldn't have given a fuck, he was just a big lad, and they were like, you could be a prop, which is basically just a grammar school way of going,

you're a fat bastard who can run. So he was never bothered about sport, but just got forced into it. Went to uni, he'd done dentistry, became mates with a load of Asian lads because there's loads of Asian lads ended up on his dentistry course. Asian people love a tooth. Yeah, they love a tooth. It's a fact. They also have parents

pressuring them into proper careers. And they went to the cricket at Edgbaston and Bondi's got no interest. And he was like, oh, his mate Sheep's bought him a ticket. And he literally never stopped talking about it. He was like, it's fucking brilliant. You're allowed to get shit-faced from 11.

And then by three o'clock, the sun's baking, you're in a stand with no cover, just absolutely hammered. Bonnie was like, I couldn't get a word out of him about the game. He was like, I don't know.

But at one point, there was a guy collecting plastic glasses and carrying them around, and we were all cheering him. So that's all he was entertained by, getting shit-faced in the sun and watching dickers go i've got 200 and then dropping them like the darts you know the darts is the same yeah yeah oh i tell you what lads i'd love to go i would love to go alley pally for the dark yeah yeah what is it chelsea dagger isn't it Chelsea Chelsea you gotta go that's what I was gonna go no

it's both hang on which one which one's the more famous your one Dan's is the more famous one shut up just like that

Dan yours is the famous one the one I love it Just like that. And yours is the famous one. The working class. I love it. What? That's just a fucking working class. Yeah. It's a proper working class.

Get in there. Get the fucking alley pelly. No one's from Muswell Hill. Get the fucking tube. Get shit faced. Yeah, I love it. Do you like darts? Do you like playing it?

Oh, I love a bit of darts. I was raised on darts, boy. I had a fucking arrow in my hand at fucking one and a half. Oi! I got my first 180 before I was out of fucking nappies, boy. Do you like darts? I shit darts, boy. You look at me, you say, do you like darts, Dan?

I fucking shit darts yeah my hag it's quite fun isn't it everything's fun when you're pissed let's be honest any sport cricket on

like if all four of us went and we weren't allowed to drink and the weather wasn't good we'd be like yeah cricket's fucking dull isn't it goes on for three weeks

if we were hammered in a stand and it was sunny and Finn's trying to do fucking go on Finn do a fucking was sunny and Finn's trying to do fucking, go on Finn, do a fucking glass thing. Yay!

Finn's falling over! Yay! If we were shit-faced at the darts, it would be fucking quality. Yeah, but like, I'd also want to keep

an eye on the score and I genuinely mean it wouldn't all be about the fun. Right, so I'll tell you what, I'll get the apple sours lined up and you can be there with your, ooh.

What isn't fun, drunk? Ice fishing. I reckon that's better. It's so better than ice fishing. Tell you what I watched. Where did that come from? I'll tell you what I watched the other day.

I don't know exactly what it's called. There we go. You know in poker, people have got tells. Adam's bullshit tell is when he starts and you're like, oh, Adam's just telling, and then he goes... Because he's laughing at the shit he's just made up in his head. No, no, I haven't. I swear to God.

Go on, then. You tell me, boy. No, it's like... They've got skis on. But they look like squirrels when they jump out of a tree like they go like down are you like Eddie the Eagle

yeah like is it is it base jumping no when they go down they go down and then they like fly off and like they put the skis on

I want to say the long jump but that's Eddie the Eagle ski jump is it just ski jump oh mate I watched that the other morning erm

for a few hours and it was yeah a few other morning For a few hours And it was A few hours Literally for a few hours Yeah And then they did another one Where it was like Skiing down a hill

But you've got like There's flags And you've got to hit them It's like checkpoints Yeah you don't have to hit them You've just got to go between them Yeah but if you hit them Oh they thought I was trying

As best as I could Yeah no but That's the slalom Yeah Yeah that's it They're just trying They've got to go round it, but to obviously get down the hill quickest, you've got to go the least distance.

I mean, so they bang into them. They don't have to. If you're a spanner, you can be like, hey. I was just watching it. I thought it looked quite easy. Yeah. You can't snowboard? No.

Not that one. That one looked, you know, more difficult. The flying No. Not that one. That one looked more difficult. The flying one? The jump one. You know what I mean? You just fucking... Yeah. I mean, you end up in the same place, don't you?

You're getting down one way. Here comes Adam Rowe. All you can hear. There'd be like a load of... They do the little bell, don't they? They're like, and then all you'd hear, the whole crowd would be like,

and then it'd just hear, ta-da! You'd break both legs. Oh my God. But like, nobody doesn't believe you would. They'd be like, no. They don't like push themselves down or anything.

They literally just let the hill do the work for them. Gravity does it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right for them. Gravity does it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. You're right. Yeah.

There's almost no skill. The hill's doing all the work. Ta-da! Can we go? I honestly don't understand. Because I heard the commentators going, they trained for years for this. And I was like, doing what?

All they can possibly do is just have another go and hope for the best. Do you know what I mean? Can we go skiing? The hill is so steep. Yeah. And as they're coming down, like, they're falling with the hill for a long way. It's not like it's flat and they just have to fucking work it out. So as they come down, the skill is to, like, let your skis touch

and then get your balance. But you're, like... It's conquering the fear as well. Like, tobogganing's not hard. No, but, like, they've got your skis touch and then get your balance. But you're like... It's confident in the fear as well. Like, tobogganing's not hard. No, but, like, they've got massive skis. Like, it's not like they're trying to land on their feet. They're trying to land on, essentially, big planks of wood. It helps, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does help. Yeah. Because if you did it without, it'd be harder. Yeah. Yeah. If you just went down in your slippers, that's a different event, isn't it? Like, if you want to make it more challenging, make them wear ice skates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And make them land on ice instead of snow. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because, like, isn't it? I just think if you want to make it more challenging, make them wear ice skates. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And make them land on ice instead of snow. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because they do it in ice skating. Are we talking about watching it or doing it? Oh, you want to do it. I just want to get shit-faced and watch something. Adam's like, I want to get up there.

When you go to... I won an Olympic medal. The Olympic pool in Edinburgh. Did you ever go swimming when you were at the Fringe? They've got those... You know, not all swimming baths have got them but if you go to an Olympia

like the only one I've ever been to is at Edinburgh and they've got the diving boards yeah where you're like you can basically the size of a

I've been off the top one yeah yeah you fucking haven't I have into the shallow end as well you wear ice skates for that one fucking too easy to speed those lads no I didn't

I went up another go You never I did I did You never There was no fucking person by the ladder So I just got up and I just jumped off He'd had a bad review that morning

Fuck you JT Didn't you break the world record? No I just jumped off No one measured me or anything I just Done a few spins Yeah

Let your dick take the impact I just jumped off. No one measured me or anything. I just did a few spins. Yeah? Let your dick take the impact? I'm not even messing! You are. I've jumped off the top thing in Edinburgh Pool. The one on Holyrood. Oh, yeah. There's only... Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah, I went there. I was meant to go with Ed Hedges, mate of mine, but he was too hungover and I was like, I'm still going. I'll feel better after this. You don't want to do the Olympic diving board You don't want to do the Olympic diving board Just because you know where something is. I don't reckon I'd have done it if I went there. I was meant to go with Ed Hedges, mate of mine, but he was too hungover and I was like, I'm still going, I'll feel better after this. You don't want to do the Olympic diving board hungover.

I don't reckon I'd have done it if I wasn't. Like, do you know what I mean? Because I was hungover, I was like, ah, fuck it, give it a go. Just knowing where Sutton is doesn't mean you've done it. I know where Wimbledon is

and I've never won it. Oh, Wimbledon, yeah. No, it's semi-finalist though. Yeah, yeah. Wimbledon's really fun. Have you won that as well? I haven't won it. You know,

put your mind to it. I was in the qualifiers, but I had that ankle injury the night before. West Derby qualies. They're really into that. But I actually have jumped off the top diving board. Honest. Swear down. Swear down. Go on then. If you've got that instinct that you could do that. I just did a little. I reckon. You might have jumped jumped off but you didn't do a somersault i couldn't help it what huh like i just it just happened you dive forward oh do you want me to do this for you he's having fun though how did you dive off like a pencil or new year new adam i just i just went did you? and then your momentum just takes you and I was just spinning

and then I remember going like that and then the water just like got me mad yeah I'm not messing but there was an instructor

at the side who stood up and just started clapping that's fucking Guinness wouldn't you like that's the best I've ever seen I've never seen anything like it it's one of's the best I've ever seen I've never seen

anything like it it's one of the best guys we've ever seen because like I was like looking there was like a lifeguard stood at

the bottom of the ladder thing yeah there we go she went for the ciggy or something yeah so that's when lifeguards are

always going for the fucking ciggy I fucking love I can't I just took me chance was it John Grisham

the lifeguard he's off. I'm not messing. You are. You absolutely fucking are. I was in the pool just like treading water, right? And then I was just

keeping an eye on her and then I seen her just like check her watching her and she went off and I was like, she's not coming back. She's either gone for

a shit or a ciggy. I've got five minutes here and I squirreled me way up and like, I think the fact that like I was in a rush, that's what made me flip because I was justreled my way up and like I think the fact that like I was in a rush that's what made

me flip because I was just like fucking go for it like do you know me just go for it yeah

are you alright yeah how deep I'd have had another go if she hadn't come back oh yeah she finished her

just had half she's a lifeguard she can't have a full cigarette that'd be irresponsible you know a kid cannot drown in the time it takes you to have half a cigarette that's a fact yeah I can't have a full cigarette that'd be irresponsible you know a kid cannot drown in the time it takes you

to have half a cigarette that's a fact yeah I was the only one in the pool can we go to the darts is what we're saying are we good can we go to the darts

I'd love to go to the darts they say don't sit in the the lower concourse bit because people at the top throw pints of piss at you oh really yeah

you know I said about the working class yeah yeah it is it'd be it'd be what's the tiers of like Because people at the top throw pints of piss at you. Oh, really? You know what I said about the working class? Yeah. Yeah. It is... It'd be... It'd be... What's the tiers of, like, the roughest sporting events

where it could get a bit feisty? Where have you gone? Nothing. He's gone somewhere. He has, hasn't he? He's still flying through the fucking Olympic swimming pool there. It's just funny, because I know that this sounds like bullshit, and I know that neither of you even believe me 1%

and it's 100% true. I honestly, sometimes I have no idea. Like, if you had to ask me to put money on it, I'd be in real trouble. I'd be like, I'm not sure. Because you talk so much shit on this podcast and some of it is comedy gold. That's why I'm laughing.

I know. I can't tell you if it's bullshit. I don't not believe. I'd err on the side of bullshit. But the spinning, you didn't do some of sorts. I didn laughing. I know. I can't tell you if it's bullshit. I don't not believe. I'd err on the side of bullshit. But the spinning, you didn't do some assaults. I didn't mean to spin. My momentum did it for me. But when you hit the water,

I can't believe we're still talking about it. When you hit the water, was that, you managed to get yourself right there. Like, I saw the scene coming, but I was still spinning. Do you know what I mean? I opened my arms. Oh, so your belly flopped?

I was having a spin. Like, I oh so your belly flopped out out of a spin like I saw something like neck flopped neck like it felt like my neck went in

before my head how high was it he's off nah no it felt like I'm not saying that happened

but that's what it felt like do you know what I mean but then I come up like a rush more or less how high is that? That sounds right.

50 foot. Onto your neck. Yeah, but I obviously didn't go onto my neck or I'd probably be dead. How high is 50 foot? I felt like that. Three of his dicks. Yeah.

It was fun though, I'd do it again. The highest platform is 33 foot. I'd do it again. But I wouldn't normally be able to do it. I think it's because I was hungover. Because I don't really like heights. That's what Tom Derry does, doesn't he?

He gets fucked the night before the Olympics. Oh, he gets absolutely smashed. I think... He's a Sambuca man. Yeah. I think you should be allowed to have one pint before your driving test. Why is that?

Because it calms you down and no one drives safer than someone who thinks they might be over the limit. You know when you've had a pint and you're like right no I'm gonna I'm not gonna leave the car I'm gonna make sure to get

home because it'll be a bully coming to get it tomorrow where would you have the pint at the test centre no no because no no because they'd have to

check you'd had a proper pint so you'd have to go for a DVLA pint yeah just call in not I mean they'd fail you

if you went stellar yeah because that's irresponsible no but you know like do you not understand what I'm saying I do calms you down

and it also makes you a bit nervous yeah you know what I mean so you're like you know it could be over the limit and you drive up

makes you a bit nervous like everyone's turning up to the drive and says like couldn't give a fuck no but I mean like you know when you get into your driving test you get a bit fucking confident than that and you is it relative no no one gets that confident all right your side lad is it relative i'm going mackeys so like if if you had a pint it wouldn't affect as you as much as like a 15 or 18 year old girl yeah i can have two so you can have

you have two pints before you test? Oh, one and a half. One on the top. Chantilly's? Yeah. Two lager tops. Yeah. I just think, like, the roads would be safer if everyone had a pint before.

You think the roads would be safer if people who weren't allowed to drive got drunk and went out driving? They're not drunk. Tipsy. Not tipsy, just take the edge off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Shot of whiskey would do that. Yeah. DVLA whiskey. Yeah. That'd be an awkward would do that. Yeah. DVLA whisky. Yeah. That'd be an awkward bar, wouldn't it? It'd be weird, wouldn't it? Who's serving? The head instructor.

Yeah. There you are. Down that. You got to down it? Or do you... I don't know. Just take your time. Just at your own pace.

I'm just... I'm not like... Is it... Is it illegal? You know they do drug testing in sport what if after a Premier League

football match they tested the players and was like fucking hell Firmino's had about three pints I think it's got to be

enhancing hasn't it though I don't know but I mean is that if they tested for alcohol would they be like would that be counted as like, illegal?

Are you allowed to be pissed in sport, is what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not performance enhancing, if any. No, but you just said with the driving test, it makes you more relaxed. Yeah. You know. No, but I don't think it's classified as a performance enhancing. He's had some babies lately, I'm ashamed.

I think if you test a positive for like cocaine or heroin or something, there might be a problem. Hero keeping. I don't think it's classified as a performance enhancement. He's had some bevvies lately, hasn't he? I think if you test a positive for cocaine or heroin or something, there might be a problem. Heroin. Always with heroin. Always with heroin. I'm going to try R8 as a big fucking slug of heroin. Sheffield United have smacked off their tits then, by all accounts. Yeah. I don't think that's allowed, but having a bevvy.

You don't think that's allowed? No, I don't think it's allowed either. having a bevy. You don't think that's allowed? No, I don't think it's allowed either. Have you ever played football a bit pissed? Yeah. I hung over, yeah. And you genuinely do play better. Because the thing about football is you don't do things because you don't want to make a mistake.

He gets really emotional about football, doesn't he? I haven't played for ages. Jesus Christ you've been in tier 3 about 8 seconds you're like no because you don't you don't do things

because you're worried about making a mistake but when you're hungover you can go for fuck so you do you go for that fucking little step over don't you

yeah I do play better you get a little bit yeah I don't last as long I've played fussy after 4 pints right

just went out like after work and had fussy laser on had 4 pints and then went out like after work and had a footy later on had four pints and then went and had a game of footy does it affect your sort of stamina

and running or anything eh no I think I was just in a good mood just play a really confident central midfielder you've had like three or four pints

and you just like that good zone like you know like the taxi to town after pre-drinks I was like that

in that zone playing footy yeah so you know what I mean like that, in that zone, playing footy. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I had fucking Show Me Love playing in my head. Fucking, you know what I mean? Dude, dude, dude, Gerrard. How many goals?

Just shooting from everywhere. How many goals did you score? Lost count. 15, 20. Easy. That's not unfeasible, is it? For you to score 15 to 20 goals in a game of football. In a game of five-a-side?

Yeah. No, I'm on fire. Half-pissside? Yeah. No, I'm on fire. Half-pissed? Yeah. That's a fucking great bit of the night, isn't it? Taxi to town. Oh, God. The taxi to town.

It's all ahead of you. Like, arguably, if you average it out, that might be the best bit of the night because some nights are like, it's been all right, but so-and-so's missus kicked off and then we didn't get in that place because he was too pissed some nights are great some nights are a bit meh but all nights in the taxi when you're like the best nights are genuinely the unplanned ones aren't they like if you just end up at night it's

always better i think anyways i think maybe that isn't that yeah i've had some there's been some organized belting nights out but i think your perception of it is like when it's someone's stag do you talk about for ages someone's planned it you go out you can still have a blinder but you're like well that should be a blinder because it costs loads of fucking money and we planned it for ages when it just happens oh that your perception is, what a fucking win that was. I've had so many good nights, where like, I've been shopping,

and fucked the shopping off, and just gone, should we just have a pint and a burger, and like, wet the spoons, and then you're like, should we have another one before we go back shopping, and like,

should I have four more, and then not do any more shopping? Well, we used to take our ID, or we used to have it. Just fucking hammered. Yeah. With an LFC bag, and a fucking Primark.

When we'd go shopping, I mean, he didn't have ID, I'dark. When we'd go shopping, I mean, he didn't have ID. I'd take my ID with me because I knew we were going out. Yeah.

And his dad would laugh going, I see he's at 4am, we're not going out. And he'd go, yeah. So hang on, but you had, like you went shopping,

bought some stuff and then went on the piss. Sometimes. Because that would do my head in having bags with me. Yeah, but we always knew the people who worked in bars so we put them behind the bar. Ah, there you go. There's the piss. Sometimes. Because that would do my head in, having bags with me. Yeah, but we always knew the people who worked in bars, so we put them behind the bar and shit. Ah, there you go.

There's a connection. Yeah. You've got years of pissed up shopping left all around town. Those lads are left fucking... Oh, they were so good them days. Children 60 quid of Hugo Boss stuff in their fucking cloakroom. Terrible Scouse accent.

Sorry about that, guys. Yeah. I can't wait. Awful. Obviously, like, big announcement and all that yesterday. Very fucking depressing and all that. that Scouse accent sorry about that guys yeah I can't wait for awful obviously like big announcement and all that yesterday

very fucking depressing and all that it was coming though wasn't it I'd already written January off I just wanted to get fucking news even

for my gigs and that but you know shit happens but I can't wait for that first night you know when every single person in the UK

has been vaccinated and they can open up properly so like first week of February whatever it it's going to be. Mate, some of the things you've said on this podcast so far have been hilarious. The flying off the diving board at 33 feet. Like, Gemma!

They're getting shit-faced on your driving test, but everything's sorted by Feb 1st. Come on, don't be a pussy. No, but like, it'll be a few months, but that first night in town, when you can just fucking go for on, don't be a pussy. No, but like, be a few months, but like that first night in town when you can just fucking go for it. That'll be next year.

2022? Yeah. No, it won't. Lad, the new vaccine's got a three-month waiting period between doses. Yeah. And you haven't even had it yet.

No. And it's already genuine. And you're way down the list. No, but there's 50 million of them by March they've got. So, everyone by March will have had the first bit. No. Not everyone by March will have had the first bit. everyone by March will have had the first bit 50 million they've got

When are they going to do them? 50 million It'd have to be like Maccadie's It's not going to happen that quick No they're going to get people in like Aldi To do them aren't they? Keep going Now I'm on the hook

No but they've said like they're gonna like get like key workers how's he as well the fastest of all the supermarkets yeah like you're gonna be

able to go to Tesco it's gonna be 24 hours so you can go to like a drive-thru and get your fucking yeah 20 nuggets and a covid vaccine

Timpsons they're doing them in Timpsons you get your keys cut get your vaccine I think it'll genuinely at the earliest

October November before normal no before pot world see I know you You get your keys cut, get your vaccine. I think it'll genuinely, at the earliest, October, November, before normal. No. Before pot-willed. See, I know you don't believe in this strain, but this has shit the whole, it's shit the bed, this strain. Whether you think it's real or not, it's having an effect on policy. And everything's going to get tightened up,

because if the transmission rate goes mental, they're not going to let kids go back and we are going to go, we're going to get stuck back, like, down the gears, which is really depressing. Just the vaccine's not going to fix this in time as quickly as we thought it would.

Like, I think everyone thought, yeah, by March, April, it'll be all right. I don't think it can be fixed via the vaccine that quickly. June, I reckon, will be all sound. June, July. Genuinely, that's my guess. It'll be literally back to normal. June, July.

I think 2021's not going to be the year that... Happy New Year, everybody! I just don't think it's all fucking roses. No. I'd love it to be, but... And if it is, I tell you what, if it is, it would be amazing. It would be amazing. But I think I'm mentally mentally i'm doing that thing where you know you you go into a gig

and you're like oh it's gonna be shit and then if it's all right you're like it was all right that was all right if i'm doing the same thing with like 2021 where everyone's like oh my god that was a shit year 2021's gonna be amazing i'm just mentally preparing myself for a bit of a dog shit start to it. See, I can't do that because that's just too depressing to me. So if it's not all sorted by July, I'm just going to kill myself. Okay, cool. We're going to go for an advert now.

Cyanide, our new sponsor of cyanide capsules. 10% off. Oh, Jesus. What can we do pod-wise? We've done the live show. We did the live stream. That was fucking great. It was a great little early Christmas thing.

We didn't think... I mean, this year's been astronomical, hasn't it? Yeah. Terrible for the other part of our career, but... Yeah, but for this, yeah, it's been... What are we going to do? What can we treat ourselves when things have eased up? Laura's, you know,

out the baby. We'll go away together. We're on a trip. Yeah. When's the darts? See, I think stuff like that's going to be last.

Right, yeah. Yeah. I think we could just go away. Go somewhere cool like Copenhagen or something. Copenhagen?

Where did I go from? Because I was going for his birthday next week. But why Copenhagen? I'll tell from because I was going for his birthday next week but why Copenhagen I'll tell you now oh my god that was so random

we could go somewhere nice like Copenhagen alright and we're also sponsored by Copenhagen it's his birthday next week so I was going to get us tickets to go away

I was thinking Amsterdam but then that's going to be pretty close so I googled it and Copenhagen's open but not to like not to English people not to

british people well you're halfway there you could be like you know yeah what am i gonna do what action are you gonna do to get into denmark uh hello welcome to copenhagen where are you adam row where are you coming from i'm from newcastcastle. Ball and wrist. Ball and wrist. Fog on the time. You heard it? Gaza song. I know Geordie's thing. They're separate from this country,

but they're definitely still English. No, no, no. No. Newcastle. Okay. I'm from Newcastle. Let me in to have party with my friend. It is my birthday.

Like the Danish government. This was a gift from God. And Carl. And Alan Shearer. And Tamuri Kitzbauer. I would like to come into your country to have several pints of beer to celebrate my 29th birthday. Yeah. That is why I'm here.

Yeah. Do you understand what I am saying to you? I am saying I have arrived to celebrate my birthday. Can you be the border control person, please? Okay. Welcome to Copenhagen. Hello. Where are you from from it is my birthday today this is my friend carl okay can i ask you a question where are you from i am from originally where are you traveling from today where are you traveling from the motherland

the land of hope and sun and sea and glory. Where is this? Newcastle upon Tyne. Okay. You know that is still in England. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot do this to me on my birthday. I have had a test.

It says. You've done an accent to make sure you get in Denmark and you've done a different version of the same nationality. I have had a test. It says I don't have it. He has not got it. What is your problem? Why are you ruining my birthday? Why would you do this to a woman like me on her birthday? You've changed

genders on the fly. Changed? You do not know anything about me or my life. Adam, do you look like you? Okay. I think you? Yeah. Okay. I think you're in.

Let me into the country. You're in. Where is the best bar to go for your birthday? What, for... I want a cake. I want a shot. I want a pint of lager. For a trans...

And I want it for free. For a trans... You will give me it for free for the inconvenience that you have given me. Okay. You're in, by the way. Okay. You've fucking inconvenience that you have given me. Okay. You're in, by the way. Okay.

You've fucking balderdashed your way in. Yes. Let him in too. You're an attractive fucking Geordie woman, though. Let him in too. I'll give you that. Let him in too. I've been drinking on the big market. You're a six.

Don't think that'd work. It did work. Yeah. We've just literally played it out. What was the point of playing it out if that wasn't literally a test? I don't think that'd work it did work yeah we've just literally played it out what was the point of playing it out if that wasn't

literally a test it just it worked get it booked yeah you're such a good couple you two it's really nice

you're one of the best couples I know I'm thinking of having an illegal rave for my birthday instead okay yeah cool

wanna come no I'm gonna give that one a miss why I'm only having a rave because it's your scene alright yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah so you get you some pills okay I'm in yeah and I'm in I'm in I'm in I'm in

if I can take drugs I'm in yeah I'm just thinking of hiring some lights in there getting a DJ like a fucking hiding light 800 or something hiring lights I thought you said yeah I'm just thinking of hiring some lights in there getting a DJ like a fucking

hiding light bass hunter or something hiring lights I thought he said hiding light he did yeah what are you gonna do

for your birthday trying to hire a bass hunter to come to Crockey Park he's mates with Dicko I know yeah and that's not even a joke now you're gone

I realise my love is he from Denmark this is weirdly cyclical or is he Swedish he's mate with someone we know yeah which is odd

Finn Golgassian could you just check where Bass Hunter's from Sweden oh he's Swedish that's the same same sort of white fucking scandal mate

are you really yeah yeah what are you going to do I don't know go on tell us let's have a little fucking party in the

ashton room right yeah shh me you just shush into a microphone what are you going to do? I don't know. Go on, tell us. Let's have a little fucking party in our ashton room. Right. Yeah. Shh. Me. You just shush into a microphone. Me. The most popular podcast

in the North West. Shh. Me, Carl. You can come. Yeah. A few friends. Enemies. You've invited some enemies?

Yeah. Spice it up a bit. Who are your enemies? What? Who are your enemies? For me to know and you to be. Me? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. A few sh up a bit. Who are your enemies? What? Who are your enemies? For me to know and you to be. Me?

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. A few shandies, you know? So weird. We're going to have a party, though. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

Shoot. Even if it's just me and him. Yeah. Yeah. He's in me bubble, isn't he? So it's fine. Fucking bubble. I love it.

We're just going to expand the bubble a little bit, you know, to 10, 15 friends. I'm in... Yeah, well, I'm in 15 bubbles, so. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to look after those bubbles. I'm in a bubble bath. Yeah. I'm calling my head over now.

Yeah. I'm in a support bubble bath. Don't you bother. Yeah. Go away. Yeah, I'm in a bubble bath thing. Go away. Yeah.

You're in a bubble bath? Yeah. I'm in a support bubble bath. Fucking bubbles everywhere. If you start shagging someone, you're in a cum bubble yeah in a sport bubble bath fucking bubbles everywhere if you start shagging someone you're in a cum bubble nice yeah

yeah shall we wrap up for a little breaksy breaks before we announce that we're doing any illegal shit and give out addresses

no I am I am doing illegal shit yeah no I know you've laid that out yeah except before I announce it I'm just letting you know you and 10 pound patrons are all invited okay cool that just got bigger Yeah, I know. I know you've laid that out. Yeah. Except before I announce it. I'm just letting you know,

you and £10 Patreons are all invited. Okay, cool. That just got bigger, that buy, didn't it? Oh, no, it's a £10 Patreon bubble. Come on, guys. Wrong. Could be. Technically, they support us financially.

They are our support bubble. Yeah, are they just going to come one at a time or are they allowed partners? They can only come on their own. Oh, right, okay. So it's just 350 people in this bit. I don't have to bring me a present. All right, 350 people in the birthday bubble. How much?

£50 and above. Interesting. I don't need a £49 present. £50 or nothing. Interesting. What's your coffee intake? What's going on? I've only had one coffee today. Okay, good.

Because it's been a magical mystery tour, hasn't it? Literally. £50 presents, not £49. Do I have to buy you a present for your birthday? We've just done really nice Christmas presents. You do have to buy me a present for your birthday, yeah? It better be fucking lovely as well. I mean, I'm not getting you a present.

I think we've just, we've nailed it with the Christmas presents there. I planned on it. I mean, I got an eye level. You fucking are! we've just, we've nailed it with the Christmas presents there. I planned on it. I mean, I got an I Love Cock. You fucking are? I'm going to be fucking it on my own, on my birthday. I want presents for everyone. You're going to have loads of people around. No, no, I can't do it.

Neighbours are grasses. They probably listen to this. Hiya, Carl. I've got you an I Love Cock mug. I got you that, didn't I, Dan? No, let's share it. No. Oh, we haven't spoken about presents, have we?

Shall we talk about them before we go for a break? Then we'll do questions After the break What did I get you Dan Show them the mug again Do you know how much I laughed when I seen A mug that just

Because like I love the subtlety of it Yeah That's what you love about it Yeah It is subtle though isn't it You love the subtlety Of an I love cock mug

What does it say It's also really clever Because it's not an easy Re-give is it If I keep it in the box Save it for Christmas, give it to my wife's gran. Here you are.

GG. I'm not re-gifting anything, you little shit. Do you think the box being ripped is the thing that stops me re-gifting I Love Cock? I don't think it was the box being ripped that was the problem. Go in! That didn't go in the bin. I wasn't really aiming for the bin. That's all he got me.

That's the only presents we gave each other. Yeah. I gave you that and you went, I forgot. Yeah, I'm not into it. It's our Dan in it. In a wheelchair, as always. Old cunt. For anyone listening on audio,

Adam's got me a Professor Xavier bald bobblehead. And now he's having a wank. A little pop vinyl. Look at this. Ready? Sorry if you're on the audio But

Wee-lee Wee-lee And oh Karl got me a vintage 600 Polaroid camera Which was very You give good presents Don't you?

Trips to Copenhagen Yeah Fucking old Olympic jump here Yep It's a vintage Polaroid Well Merry Christmas boys Thanks for

Thanks for the delayed presents Hit you Oh yeah sorry And he got Got him some art It's a vintage Polaroid. Well, Merry Christmas, boys. Thanks for the delayed presents. Oh, yeah, sorry. And he got... He got him some art, some real art. He got someone to draw. Dean Coughlin. An unmade bed. Big Dean Coughlin.

So, Tracey Emin's bed has been immortalised. Well, I mean, beyond the fact that it is pretty famous. Dean Coughlin... Yeah. ...has done this for us. He's listened to for us for ages he does the damn daniel podcast with danny mack and he's done my own version of the bed so on the audio if you can't see it on the picture we've got my glasses we've got a volvo key some crocs

my weird muslim cap some porn hooch cronenberg loads of lube wanking tissues Mr Meeseeks I fucking love it I just want to you know thank you Adam that is a genuinely lovely present

that is better than what Tracy Emin did yeah it is yeah it is I agree I agree

we'll find somewhere for it I'm agreeing with you yeah Dan got me it's over there it's a it's a Nike Liverpool hoodie.

Very, very, very nice. Lots of space on the midriff when I give up on this diet thing and put all my tits back on. Yes, it's very lovely. I bought XL, which is not meant to be a dig. I just bought XL. Yeah, it's fine. Big hoodies are good.

Dan got me an Everton top, which is nice because they're my favourite. Yeah. It's fine. Big hoodies are good. Dan got me an Everton top which is nice because they're my favourite. Yeah. Finlay what did you get? I got some FIFA points from Adam.

Buzzing. It's the best present in the world Dan. And a t-shirt from Dan. A Liverpool t-shirt and a jacket from

Karl. I've been spoiled. I think I've done This is more than my own family got me. I know. I had a moment today when I was

like these are particularly good presents next year I reckon we all agree on a five grand budget yeah no we said didn't we it's 2.5%

of whatever the Patreon is that's what we spent on each other yeah good god which hopefully next year we've got 10-15 million pounds yeah

tell your friends to sign up patreon.com slash half a word pod and we'll get some really good Ferraris yeah shall we have a break yeah that felt like a break didn't it yeah Sign up at patreon.com slash halfawaypod. We'll get some really good Ferraris.

Shall we have a break? Yeah. That felt like a break, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Alexa, play Lifted by Lighthouse Family. Lift me up. What?

Alexa, play Lift me up by Jerry Halliwell. Lift me up. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK. Go and check them out. They're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers of CBD oils in the UK. You'll have heard about CBD. It's not weed. It's not marijuana. It's not got THC.

It's the oil derived from plant-based marijuana and cannabis. It doesn't get you fucked up, but it has loads of health benefits. CBD oil has been studied for its potential role in easing symptoms of many common health issues, including anxiety, depression, acne, psoriasis, and heart disease. For those with cancer, it may even provide a natural alternative for pain and symptom relief. Look, I'm not saying it's a wonder drug, but people are starting to trust CBD oil as an alternative to chemical-based medication. It could work for you for any one of those things. It's worth a try. Some of their best-selling products include Supreme CBD Face

Cream. They've got Supreme CBD Large Gummy Bears. They also even do a fruity e-liquid so you can vape and get CBD. Vape it up! And if you play a lot of sport, you can try the Supreme CBD muscle and joint rub. And if you place an order at SupremeCBD.uk, use the promo code WORD and you will get 30%

off everything. They'll give us a little cut, it helps support the podcast, and you get yourself 30%. So remember, use the promo code WORD at SupremeCBD.UK Fuck, I cannot say that company name one more time. SupremeCBD.UK

Wuddup? Don't be a Tory. Down your table shandy And tell a friend This is Have A Wad Now you're gone I've realised my love for you was strong Alexa, play All Rise by Blue See, people aren't going to know what we're doing here

On the Patreon episode this week We talked about Dan's Alexa That he got for Christmas And a lot of the listeners said that When they were listening to the podcast Alexa was also listening to it and started going off on mad shit So we're just trying to get all your Alexas to do stuff

Like Alexa count to a thousand And don't stop no matter who says stop You can't tell Alexa to do something And then be like Alexa, count to a thousand and don't stop, no matter who says stop. You can't tell Alexa to do something and then be like, Alexa, do this, and no one is allowed to override this order. Oh, I've got one. Have you checked? Really? I've got one.

Alexa, set a 3am alarm. Oh, you fucking rat. People might forget. Oh, people? Yeah. Oh, my God. That was people? Yeah. Oh my god. That was Sensei Carl. At Sensei Carl.

Alexa, set a timer for three days and 45 minutes. Alexa, turn the volume up to 50. Alexa,

ring the police. Can Alexa ring the police? Probably. Nah. No. Alexa, text mum, call her slag. I'm texting your mum and calling her a slag. Alexa, play the last played video on Pornhub.com.

Wow. Earphones in for this one. Alexa. Fuck off. That's what I do at mine. Yeah. She's going, I don't understand. I'm like, well, you fucking wouldn't.

What, Adam? What did I ever do to you? I know you're doing the questions, Dan, but I doing the questions done but i've just got some up i was watching um i was watching the page today have you ever seen it i know the the idea premise yeah yeah i've seen it yeah it's good so it's it's 12 you get to break the law for 12 hours once a year including murder it's everything yeah any law you can bend if you could page for 12 hours what would you do Bend. If you could purge for 12 hours, what would you do?

Genuinely, though. So, hang on. Before we get into it, is a purge just announced now? No, so they say on February the 1st. So you've got a month to get weapons? If you want to use weapons, yeah. You can do anything. What would you do?

So, non-comedy answer, real answer? Real answer, yeah yeah because you can go and kill people and stuff but if you genuinely for 12 hours go and kill people no but I'm saying your answer would be

kill people wouldn't it no fucking would you can do anything for 12 hours basically what would you do it's mad that film isn't it

because it's it's a really uncomfortable watch and then within that world everyone fortifies their house don't they yeah like because that's part and then within that world everyone fortifies their house don't they yeah like because that's part of their culture that once a year they get that purge 12 hours so everyone has like bomb blast like i think it's a wasted idea because the idea of that everyone would just kill each other is a bit untrue isn't it so what would you do i don't

know i'd probably work out a way to like defraud something and make money or something like that or but you would wouldn't you you'd work what do you mean Carl would ring Sky and pretend to be his mum and get the sport added that perfect

see how perfect that yeah it's dead perfect except in the world where there's a purge I don't think Sky have got the call centres on like we don't

we want to come into work because it's the purge okay well you have to because someone might be watching okay that ruins it then doesn't it. Like, we don't want to come into work because it's the Purge. Okay. Well, you have to because someone might be watching. Okay, that ruins it then, doesn't it? Let's say... I don't think...

The announcer for you. I think the Purge is more like, have you got murderous tendencies or would you just shut up shop? Because every time I watch that film, I'm like, someone's knocking at the door. I'll be like,

someone's dead then. Ringing the bell. Because I'm not fucking opening it. But it's so inhumane don't give a shit it's purge night the bomb shields aren't going down but we had to let him in as soon as you let him in on the purge you're like you fucking moron yeah let them die on the doorstep and i'll sweep up the body in the morning where's your christmas spirit fuck that what is it the Christmas purge?

It's a special Christmas purge. I just think it's shit, that, the idea of everyone with murder, it just annoys me. I wish people would come up with more fucking... You know in the purge, NatWest Online Banking isn't down and you just get to fiddle with money. It's more just like, you can get away with any physical crime on the night, so people roam around and just fucking settle scores and murk people.

But like, let's say I go and rob like a belt of a car. Yeah. Like an absolute belter. Cause I've robbed it. Do I get to keep it? Just robbed it. Robbed the, um, like on the next, the day after the page, they come around and go, look, you're not going to prison,

but we need the car back. Yeah. But is it worth going out on the streets of West Derby where you West Derby's quite nice on Purge night I think it might get

a little bit edgy no but I just wouldn't say in West Derby I'd go to like my local Ford dealership right how would you get there you drive in a Purge

in your Kia Sportage well I'd get there right just before the purge starts, so no one can kill me on the way, and then I've just got to make it back. So 6pm, purge starts, quarter to six, Adam's driving to the Ford garage. He's the only one who's thought of this as well.

Yeah. So I'm there, right? Do you reckon on the purge that, you know, Evans Halshaw might put all the cars inside? All the keys and the ignition. Oh, are they? No, no, no. No, like,

let's be realistic about this. So, I'm at People's Ford in Bootle. Yeah. Right? And just at six o'clock, like,

maybe just before it, I go in and threaten them. Just like, all right, lads, sorry, we're just about to show up, you know, because it's purge night.

You broke the law there Yeah They're all there With machine guns Fucking I'm just there like Lad look I'm not going to kill you Or anything

I have got this Uzi though Yeah They'll be like Well we've got our Uzi But that's breaking the law No No I'm not threatening them Listen

What Saying Lad I've got this Uzi I think in a court of law That's not a threat That is factual I've got this Uzi. I think in a court of law, that's not a threat. That is factual.

I've got an Uzi. I'm saying, lads, I've got an Uzi. How's that crime? I'm just saying, and it's loaded and I'm dead good at pointing it.

How is that a fucking crime? That's factual. And I've got a grenade. Not throwing it. Not throwing it. Not throwing it. Not throwing it. That's not illegal. No, I just go, look, I've got this grenade. Not throwing it. Not throwing it. Not throwing it. Not throwing it.

That's not illegal. No, I just go, look, I've got this Uzi. Right. And, do you like it? My ma got me for Christmas. Oh, nice Christmas Uzi.

Right. Handed down from generation to generation. Your grandad needed an Uzi when he was plastering the fucking wigwam. He's got his job boxed on. So, I've got my Uzi, and I're like, look,

I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know it's page night and that, but I'm actually a good guy, but I really want a Mustang and I can't afford one. Okay. So just do us a favour. Just go and get the keys to the Mustang.

Just, you know, just leave the Mustang keys there. Right. And then six o'clock, I'll take the keys. I'll rob your Mustang. Can't do anything about it though. It's fucking page night.

At least you won't be dead. Yeah. I reckon they'd be like, do you know what? He seems like a nice lad. Yeah. You're doing this before the purge though Adam so you're committing the crime before the purge

I'm not because I'm not going to pick the keys up until 6.01 that's the only crime that's been committed you're going at quarter to six to a fucking

people's in boot hall and going I've got a gun leave the key there because I don't want to hurt anyone but I'll only take it at one minute past six

because I'm not a dickhead okay so tell me you're the prosecution we're in court yeah right you threatened

I'm representing myself you threatened them with an oozy right yes yes you did put me on the stand put me on the stand

you went in okay I swore on it I swear you went in by almighty Christ I will tell the truth the whole truth and not a mother's truth

rubbing your nipple you didn't see that on camera Adam was like, I swear. I fucking love Mustangs. So ask me questions, like a lawyer would. Go for it. Right, go on. I'm willing to test the facts.

All right, stop fucking badgering. Yeah. Have you ever seen that? I'm the judge. Badgering the witness. He's the judge. Fucking shut up. I understand, but I'm also my own lawyer, so I get to object.

Yeah, but you've got to shut up while Dan's talking so shh fucking good luck with that this is this is Copenhagen fucking passport control all over again

you're in court you'll be held in contempt with that language please shut up right so on the night of the purge on the night of the purge

yeah obviously everything's fine from six he's laughing did you go into people's Ford bootle Yeah. Obviously, everything's fine from six. Did you go into People's Ford, Bootle, with an Uzi? Yes or no? At what time? At quarter to six.

No. Yeah, we've got you on CCTV, you did. No, check it again, I arrived at five-two. This is, right. In role play, Adam's... You've lost the journey already, by the way, because you haven't got your factory. Right, I've done loads of role play in those podcast. Adam is a classic blocker in role play.

He won't let you go with it. He goes, no, it was five-two. And I could go, no, we've got you on cctv it was quarter to six clocks yeah you say good fucking and then i was there a quarter to six and you had you had a you're the jody by the way you had an uzi i had an uzi yes yeah now obviously purged on purge night any crime is fine after six yeah but you know threatening people with an uzi is illegal isn't it? I am aware of that, yeah.

Yeah, okay. So you did that a quarter to six. I didn't. Did you not? No. So talk me through what you said to the people at Bootle's.

Objection. Non-specific. Sorry, what? Talk me through what you said is non-specific to this case. That's not a question that I'd have to answer,

of course. He wants you to outline who you're talking to at what time what you said you're asking me to provide what did you say to the people at the fucking car garage i with a fucking uzi is that specific enough I told the people there that I intended not to hurt anybody. With an Uzi in your hand? Why is he deaf? I don't know. He's fucking...

I brought my Uzi with me because I need a protection because I knew I would be travelling back home after the page stopped. Yeah, you're not allowed to walk around with an Uzi. It wasn't loaded. You're not allowed to walk around with an Uzi, though, are you? That's illegal. Define Uzi. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What a fucking plug. The Jody's watching this, by the way. Yeah. Define Uzi. And you said, like, a sawn-off shotgun. Yeah. You had a sawn-off shotgun.

You had a shotgun. Oh, my God. Can we get to the fucking plot of what happened? You had a shotgun. You know this is a shotgun Oh my god Can we get to the fucking plot Of what happened You had a shotgun You know this is a made up situation You go Define an Uzi

What's an Uzi Because you can change the thing Go actually it was an octopus Yeah I had an octopus I don't know why you thought It was a shotgun I did have an Uzi

I did have an Uzi But it was for personal protection Because it was page 19 Yeah you're not allowed To walk around Bootle With an Uzi Okay so am I being charged With holding an Uzi

Or with robbing a Mustang? I think it'll all go on the... No, you've got to get me on one charge. The charges being pressed are possession of a firearm and threatening to use it, yeah. Yeah. Oh. I didn't have an Uzi. You had the octopus.

Yeah. Can't threaten anyone with an octopus. Yeah. Jodie, what do you think? Guilty of... I don't... Also... I've got a fucking oozy to remember.

Don't worry, lad. It's an octopus. Don't worry about it. I love it how we had a purge fucking scenario and you just nicked a car. Like, you can do any crime and you've also got to get that Mustang back from the car garage

yeah but they're fast aren't they yeah you don't have to and you're forgetting like traffic lights a lot you can ignore them

so you can just fucking yeah on purge night there's a lot of Everton fans that you've wound the fuck up on twitter

I think you need to stay in mate yeah but they're not going to be like is that Adam Rowan his Mustang I think I think I think yeah I think you need to stay in, mate. Yeah, but they're not going to be like, is that Adam Rowan? Is Mustang arty? I think, I think, I think, yeah.

I think you need to stay in. I'd be absolutely fine in a Mustang. What are you doing then? Yeah, see? Oh, you just robbed a car. You haven't got a fucking jar of glue. I think I, uh, I think I could think of a few people

I'd like to fucking murder. Would you? Do you reckon you could go through with it? No, because I'd get murdered on the way. I know how my purge would go. I'd be like, I've got a fucking shotgun. Say you pay for personal protection, you know you're safe. Would you think you'd have the ability to go and kill someone?

No. I mean, could I be a murderer? Yeah. No. And I'm such a dickhead that even if I picked someone I wanted to kill, I would honestly get murdered on the way. I know how it would go. And I'd probably get all the way there and then be like,

I'd be the twat that got killed trying to kill someone. What would I do? What law is told I like? I can't think of anything really. It's difficult, isn't it? Because as you say, everyone would just protect themselves, wouldn't they? I do something... I can't believe Carl wrote this question and didn't even have an answer prepared for himself. I just wanted to know. You've got that shit, innit? I don't want to sit there and have

a really fucking prepared answer. It'd be something to do with money and the banks or something. What are you on about? I'm what? You're going rob a bank. Yeah. It's not safe to rob a bank though, is it? Because it's the purge.

People are going to wait for you to rob a bank and then kill you. No, I'll go to one like that little shit one. A little like that small Santander or something. On purge night. Look, that guy's robbing a bank. Don't worry. to one like that little shit one, that little, like, that small Santander or something. I wouldn't know what it's about. Or I'd go to the big... On Bird's Night. Look, that guy's robbing a bank. Don't worry. It's just a little shit one. It's just a... That's in Bradford and... Because they were an oozy at the credit union. Or I'd go to a really popular bar that I know they've got loads of money. I love it. I think they'd have squiddled it away. Yeah. you reckon it was oh I'm gone what I turn up at people's Ford

right 5-2 right but I don't show them the Uzi right I just let them know I've got it that's the same thing no it isn't

it is because I won't be on camera with an Uzi where's your evidence I'm just like why are they going to give you the key then do you know what I've got do you know if you go into a bank

and go I've got a bazooka in here give me the money go I'm not do you know if you go into a bank and go, I've got a bazooka here, give me the money, go, I'm not law. Do you know, as well, I love it in how our scenario... Is lying against the law. No, but threatening somebody is...

Yeah, but I haven't threatened them. I've got an Uzi. Isn't that good? So if someone walked up to you in the street and went, hey lad, I've got an Uzi. Well, where'd you get that from? Here's your phone.

I fucking jumped off the top of the fucking Olympic diving board fuck off do you know if you rob a bank with a banana under your t-shirt and pretend it's a gun it's the same as

using a gun yeah I'm not doing that you're verbalising it though I'm just oh I'm gone I've fucking smashed it

ah don't even need me Uzi here it is go on go to people's Ford right get the Mustang and they'd be open on Purge night till six.

Because that's how it'd work, wouldn't it? If you know it was Purge night, you don't want to miss out on a sale. Because people love buying fucking Ford cars ten minutes before the Purge starts. So turn up. Do you reckon they might be closing the shutters a little earlier than 6pm? Go on. So I'll go there, right? Just buy a Ford.

I'll help you get the money listen I want to do a whip around a Mustang no I want like a 70 plate Mustang right so you turn up

and you go listen lad right a 70 plate it's the new new licence plate it's a 7 zero wow wow wow

you turn up and you're like listen lad I'm after a Mustang got any he's like yeah got a fucking 70 plate Mustang over here

can I just tell you, I will show you, but I do know it's quarter to six and it is purge night. Just letting you know, lad, I want to sell you the fucking Mustang. That'd be a great sale for me.

I'm on commission. You know... Well, on top of your commission, right, I'll also put 20 grand in your pocket if you just stay until... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you trying to bribe a staff member at Bootle's? No. I'm not giving you a bonus, lad. Bootle People's Ford. I'm calling it a bribe. I'm calling it a bonus.

Okay, good. No one needs to know. Right? I'll put it in your back pocket as the price. Right. Can we jog this on because it's the purge club?

I know it is, but I just need to test drive it because I don't want to be spending fucking a lot of money. I don't think they'd allow that. I don't think I'd be spending this much money on this. But you just want to test it, even though you're just giving me a 20 grand bribe.

You do just want to test it. Yeah, I just want to test it. What's the 20 grand for? Shh. All will become clear. So you let me test drive it. Second I drop you off, 20 grand, right? I think we know where this is going, by the way.

Right. So you're drive him around one minute past six he's like lad it's fucking page i've got to get this back i need to get home i'm gonna get murdered and then i just press the fucking button just need the car adam just just steal it shoot him and fucking blow his head off yeah no i don't want like i'm not a murderer but i'd like open the door on like the motorway and push him out at one minute past six he'd survive

and I've got the key I've done it all after six no one's been threatened if anything it was the opposite of threatening twenty grand

but I was lying genius genius you were lying about honestly if that if it plays out like that the guy who let you still be

driving him around on purge night at one minute past six on a motorway, I think that's on him, innit? Maybe he's going through a divorce and he needs the money. Yep. Just look for one who looks really, really depressed and go to him. Bad sales guy.

You've smashed it, lad. Defence-wise, if I knew the Purge was coming, I'd have to work on defences, because I've just taken the padlock off our fucking side gate. What, like, personal defence? No, I mean, like, our house is an easy break-in, isn't it? Let me know, lad, I can get you the gun. Fucking Paul Smith broke into yours with one meaty elbow.

Yeah. I can get you the gun now if you need it. Couple of hours notice. How's the Xbox? Oh, it's been sorted. Have you? Yeah, some lad, like seven minutes after I tweeted it, I got a message going, I'll sort you online.

Really? Yeah. So we don't start streaming. Seriously, are we, like, are you going to start the Twitch thing with you? Yeah. 100%. Oh, my God.

Especially Jordan. I have nothing else to do. We've got this. We've got this, guys. We've got this. I wouldn't stay in my own house. Would you go for a park? No, what I'd do is...

What are we doing? For half an hour, say it was like six o'clock at the Purge. Yeah. I'd go to someone here to toast at half five. You'd go where? I'd go to someone I hate, but they didn't know he hated them.

I'd just go to their house for a cup of tea. Yeah. Just stay in their house. Do you think your enemies are going to let you in at 5.30 on Purge hate but you didn't know he hated them I just go to their house for a cup of tea yeah just stay in their house do you think your enemies are going to let you in at 5.30 on purge night they don't know they think I like them who have you got in mind

erm could you imagine if you just named on a fucking public episode pow probably a Liverpool player oh yeah Jordan Henderson

inviting you round for the blue is he no he's alright then erm who am I going with Robertson Andy Robertson yeah

and he's gonna let you in yeah because Jesus Christ brought some short blood mate yours is making his look fucking brilliant

what do you mean mine was brilliant I've got a Mustang and I'm home safe and sound by fucking 5 past 6 you push someone else on the motorway, though, wouldn't you? Yeah, you'd be fine. How fast are you going?

70. You're not breaking the law, even though you can. I'll speed up after I've kicked them off. If you want to hear more of these arguments, twitch while playing FIFA. Carl and Adam will be having mental conversations while shouting at each other playing FIFA

you got any other questions? Dan Johnson has a would you rather you have to get a positive test one of these you have to accept a positive test

would you rather it be COVID it's a hospital visit level you do get ill three or four months recovery to get fully back to normal so it's a covid positive put you on your ass uh sti positive test he's he specified herpes oh stays forever you've got it for life or pregnancy test someone

not your partner is pregnant it's yours and she's keeping it would you rather which one are you taking there I'm taking Covid she's taking Covid it's the only one where you get sympathy isn't it and it's the only one you can recover from can't recover from a baby

good can if you abandon it just abandon it just abandon it just push it out the most way no but just like don't get involved just be like you can keep it but I can't be arsed

oh what's that fucking amazing line of Dave Chappelle's it was my favourite line of that special killing me softly yeah and I didn't love all of it

but there was some amazing bits, but that line about, because of the Alabama, Alabama were pushing through the, Oh, no,

no, not killing me softly, sticks and stones. The anti-abortion laws. Yeah. And he was like, if you haven't got a dick, you're really not your place

to be making this argument. It is a woman's right to choose, but it's also a man's right to choose not to pay for it. Yeah. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon him.

It's your choice, but it's my money. You've seen Reversing Row. What? Reversing Row, it's called. What's that? It's a Netflix documentary about that. It's not funny, but it's interesting. Yeah.

So it's COVID, an STI, but it's herpes i i'd uh so it's covered an sti but it's herpes bad one two of these at the end of my marriage and and covid everyone's like oh dan oh you're real i mean covid looks like a bag of dicks done it especially if you get ill for three or four months i'd say covered because four months later you sound do you know what I mean a baby you know do you not want to like start the little row do you not want to get one out not with some fucking

randomer no no you got the money you rowey bags yeah fucking got the jizz

I'm rowey bags if it's his first one he owes it like half it doesn't he forever half his I don't want to kid you half his money

yeah if he has a baby doesn't he I don't want to kid you. Half his money? Yeah. If he has a baby, there's no other way. I don't think child support are taking half your fucking money. A year? Yeah. Shut down the fucking Patreon.

We're not doing Patreon anymore, guys, because you can cover that. If you could send in your Patreon money in cash to roweybags at me da's house yeah I'm taking covid it's quite an easy one really

because it says you recover herpes is forever and then you've got to explain the lump sum herpes will you take herpes where is it no I fucking wouldn't because Laura's going to be like alright where have you been and then I'm going to have to gaslight my wife.

Well, where have you been? Growing a baby? And she liked the plumber. Where would you have the herpes? Is it on your dick? Yeah, on your... No, no, COVID, please. COVID.

I don't want a dirty dick. Isn't it cold sore herpes? What? Isn't it cold sore herpes? No, but it's dirty. This is sexy herpes. Dirty dick. COVID. Tease it up. Sorry, Dan. Ben says, afternoon lids. herpes what isn't it called sore herpes no but it's this is sexy herpes sexy dick covid teased up

sorry Dan Ben says afternoon lids if you could pick one town or city to do a Bill Burr Philly rant where would you pick

same scenario imagine you've gone on they've booed for no reason and you don't need to be there so you just start fucking railing into them york

where would you want to absolutely shit all over? York. Both barrels? York. York. I documented hatred for gigging in York.

I'd lose it. Because, not because, like in Philly, he was getting like booed and battered, wasn't he? Like every other comic. I'd be losing me shit

because they're all just sat there like they're miserable fucking faces as they are. Yeah, we're just, we've come out because we're sick of staring as they are yeah we're just we've come out because we're sick of staring at each other

so we've just come out for no reason but we're not really enjoying it but we'd rather be here than staring at the same wallpaper oh yeah

you've got your puddings was that the attack was that the attack on the city of York yeah you've got your puddings it's Yorkshire what have they got

they've got Betty's tea room Yorkshire puddings are fired up Minster yeah but they got they've got Betty's tea room Yorkshire puddings are fired up Minster yeah but they think they're better than

they are Yorkshire tea Yorkies the dogs Yorkie bars made in York shite

misogynistic cunts yeah I don't think you're going to get a filly van who needs a tea room just have a cafe

like a fucking normal place you fucking pretentious think you're all royal you're a shithole slightly north of Leeds it's absolutely gorgeous though as a place as shitholes go it is absolutely gorgeous

it's a shit Edinburgh and a shit London it's like Edinburgh fucked London and had this disabled little shit town of a baby. A fucking shite. People move there when they're over their lives. When they've had their kids and their kids don't like them anymore and they don't want their kids to come and visit them, they move to a fucking York.

One bad gig is that. This is how annoyed it gets him. One bad gig. York would. This is how annoyed it gets him. One bad gig. York would be, as you say, one of the more dull, philly rants, because they haven't got booing in them if you'd fucking...

You could literally say all of that to them. They'd be like, well, how uncouth. Yeah, and that's me problem with them. Goodness me. Because they think they're above getting properly offended. Goodness me.

You fucking pathetic, silent cunts. I will be writing a strong... You non-clappin', non-laughin'. We actually really enjoyed it. Well, tell your face, Margaret, you stupid old bitch. Fucking shower of shite. Any York listeners watching, this is a comedy podcast.

Yeah. It was. I think you've picked a really fucking soft target Philly rant there. Where would you go for? Glasgow. Glasgow. I choose fucking Leith May the Wee. If they all started booing me, I'd be like,

thank you so much for having me. It's been an absolute pleasure, and I'm sorry about Brexit, and I'm really sorry about the independence referendum. Goodbye. Oh, and you're a fucking shithouse as well, are you? Oh my god, Glasgow. You'd be ballsy. You'd get that Philly rant reaction if

you started raging against... and I think you'd get more because it's also a nationality thing. Yeah. You'd be... it'd be suicidal in Glasgow. I'd have to turn that it'd be suicidal I'd get away with it in Glasgow I reckon I could turn that round in Glasgow

you would get away with slagging off Glasgow in Glasgow yeah yeah I feel like he's sort of one of my scousers at all

aren't he yeah I'm not sure York though you fucking you got a fucking tea room you pussies

who's got a minster it's not even called a fucking tea room, you pussies. Who's got a minster? It's not even called a fucking cathedral. Yeah. Shite. It's shite. And they think it's good. It's a place you take your nan when you can't be arsed in Preston

by taking her all the way to Edinburgh. I can't argue with you. I can't argue with you. Well, they took you to Edinburgh, nan, but they don't really love you, so let's go and have a cup of fucking tea for nine quid it's nice and you're paying

it's really nice nice place absolute bag of shite nice people awful what does this stand for is this two bad gigs what

what does this hatred stand for I had like three that I wasn't totally happy with they were alright you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what we've got, really. I feel like we've got one Have a Word, which I want to do now because it came up the other day.

It says, Hi, Adam and Dan. Absolutely love the pod you're both amazing can you have a word with my mate emma please we are turbo shandies tonight and emma brought them out with little slices of lemon in i asked her what she's playing at and she said she put slice of lemons a slice of lemon in everything i posted a picture on twitter and dan called me a tory can you please have a word with emma and tell her that a slice of lemon doesn't belong in a turbo shandy i can't take the blame for her being a bad tory thanks slice of lemon so goes they made a turbo shandy yeah did you see on twitter no and and she and every one of them someone dropped a

slice of lemon well well i mean i know it's a turbo shandy but this is a cocktail party and dropped in a slice of lemon yeah that is a bastardized version of her i know you call me a toy sometimes but fuck me that's the line no yeah she's a dickhead a slice of lemon goes in um any white spirited drink that has either lemonade or full fat coke with it so why you pour fruit in a drink? Go on, I actually don't, I'm not, I don't know. So you can free pour the spirit because a free poured spirit has to be in a cocktail and it has to have at least three ingredients. So the ice, the spirit and the fruit class as three ingredients.

That's why you can't free pour brandy or whiskey. That's why you don't pour fruit in them because you can't free pour it. So, I mean, what do you mean free pour? You don't have the measures? You don't use a jigger, no. The optics? Yeah. No, no, no.

Or a jigger. So to free pour, it has to be classed as a cocktail, which has to have three ingredients, the ice, the spirit, and the fruit. So what does lime go in? Lime goes in rum and Diet Coke. Right. Rum. So like a vodka Diet Coke is lime, a vodka and coke is lemon,

a gin and tonic can go with either depending on what the person wants, but most places will put lemon with it. That's a preference, that one. I'm not a big fan of the old, oh, it's a Corona, and we've put lime in the top. Do you know why they put limes in Corona over there? Why did

they do it over here? They do it over here because they do it over there. Because of over here because they do it over there because of flies yeah but when you're in fucking Ormskirk I think you need to behave yourself

you're not in Guadalajara that's why if you get a whiskey you'll never have fruit in it because it's not been free poured I'm not a big fan

I think I just don't know I haven't said that what are you having tonight what are you having tonight I've literally bought myself

a Smirnoff Ice, because it's New Year's Eve tonight. I know this is going out in the new year, but tonight is New Year's Eve. I don't know. I probably won't have anything. Because I'm just going to be in mine, doing fuck all. I might, at midnight, let myself have a pour of one of my fancy whiskeys,

but I probably won't even do that. What are you doing, Carl? Are you seeing Serica? Yes, in a safe environment sport bubble. Okay. Fucking hell, lads. It feels like you've just got a secret email from the COVID cops. Yes, in a secret bubble.

We're both going to a very sanitised, empty room in Cornwall. Yeah. We'll move empty room in Cornwall. Yeah. We'll move. It's Cornwall. I'm getting smashed up with my pregnant wife and three-year-old. Fucking lads on tour. Getting smashed up?

No, I'm just kind of... I'm having a few beers. Yeah. I know Laura's not. I've got confetti cannons. I might just get Etta sugared up. Like, have another fruit shoot. How old is Etta going to have to be before you'll let her drink in the house? Seven? Eight?

Nah, I'm not an animal. Nine. Has she finished her sats? Wine with food's allowed, innit? Yeah. No. Yeah. Bottle of rosé.

Yeah, you can make it if you say. She can't start drinking wine before I do. That's going to look fucking stupid, innit? Not like I'm an old man, you know. Where I'm having... No, we've had this conversation. I'm not into it. Give her a bottle of rosé.

What's the right age for a child to be drinking at home? Honestly. 16, isn't it? 12. Is it 14? It depends. It's 14 about right. It depends what they're drinking.

I don't want to, like, going around the streets getting fucking hammered. Like, I'd rather we were the sound parents that let her have a drink at home with her mates rather than pretending she's not going to do it. That's the biggest... Parents are such idiots like that. Well, I know we did it, but I don't want them to do it,

so I'm going to pretend that they're this angel until they're 17. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I'd say 12, 13. What are you giving them, though? Yeah. Taboo. What's taboo? Archersches all that

sort of you know arches and lemo yeah she's not happy 12th birthday love jaeger bombs

now's the time but you always drink at home drink your jaeger bombs at home how old would you have to be before you let her have a line of cocaine

that's going to be an awkward one genuinely what am I going to do with the drugs thing it's on record that I've done drugs what am I going to be an awkward one. Genuinely, what am I going to do with the drugs thing? It's on record that I've done drugs. What am I going to do? She's like, Dad, what do you think about drugs? Like, it's disgusting.

Now I've found Jesus. Let's do the same thing as you did with alcohol. We know you're going to do it anyway. You're 14 now, you've got to do it with Mummy and Daddy. Bring your friends round. We'll get it in. I've got a really good deal. We'll get it in.

Now, listen, I'm not irresponsible. I don't want you doing coke from somewhere I don't know. Let's do the coke from my dealer. Now, is... Is... Can you imagine having to ring the other parents? Now, have all the other parents been all right with it? I'm going to need to speak to the other parents about the coke.

Jesus Christ. Never thought about that before. I have thought about what tap we're're gonna take when she's older like it is a bit of a concern because now she's just a kid and it's all easy she's like it's just so simple you just like don't fall over don't hurt yourself it's dead sound but as she gets older she'll get more independence and i don't want to be that hypocrite who's like don't do that and don't do this yeah if you tell them no they will they're gonna do it anyway what about lads in the house every time i think about lads i'm like i just become marcus from fucking bad boys what really

how old are you you're at least dirty from fucking bad boys. What, really? Reggie! Who the fuck is Reggie? How old are you? You're at least 30. You ever made love to a man? You want to? Yeah. But if she's got a boyfriend at like 14, what am I going to do?

Can he stay? The lad in the kitchen, Andy. Lad in the kitchen? You don't have to be in the bedroom, do you? If you come round To visit But But If she's gonna do it anyway

I'd rather If she's got a boyfriend No chance When she's 14 You'd be closing That bedroom door Not that chance But what

But if she's got A boyfriend What are you gonna do Say No it's not Cause then she's just Then it's just gonna happen Somewhere else innit

If they're 14, 15 And they're gonna do it Why are you pushing them Into a it? If they're 14, 15, and they're going to do it, why are you pushing them into a place where you're like, 14 and 15 are very different ages, though, I think. All right, okay. I'm just saying, in and around that, before she's 16, genuinely, what are you meant to do? Pretend it's not happening, and then she might get pregnant or something.

I think you should book them a hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, love, listen, love. Listen. A little bag of lemon. Premier in, premier in. I think you should book them a hotel yeah yeah yeah listen love listen love listen little bag of lemon premier in premier in I spoke to me mate

Lenny and I'll tell you if you don't if you don't accept it's happening it's going to happen somewhere else and then it's like she's going to hide stuff from me

I hate the idea of that so you could be in the house now and there's some 14 year old little scuzz oh no I forgot about the lad oh god would it be easier for you if she was a lesbian well 14 she brought a girlfriend home that's such it's a weird like almost the only case don't be, I'll be scissoring up there! Open that door! Open that door! Oh my God, it's the weirdest thing.

It would be better if there wasn't some... If there wasn't some lad like, You all right, Mr Nightingale? You all right? I've come to see you. Because I was one of those horny little bastards with some fucking young gay girl who's got like a wedge and some futuristic lesbian hair colour. Hi Mr. Nygall, hi, you alright?

Come upstairs. Would you give him the would you give him the talk? I got the talk off my first girlfriend's dad. Oh my god you didn't. Yeah? Did you? He said it like a joke. How old were you? 15 or 16 in between the main. I would definitely do it in a black book. Son, calm 16, in between the ages.

I would definitely do it in a black book. Son, come down, sit with me now. Sit with me now! I've got a few things I want to talk to you about. He said it in a jokey way. We'll murder you. But it was like, yeah, if you dare to, you know, we'll go to the woods and you'll be coming home.

And we were all laughing. And he went... It was something along the lines of that I was like oh shit I love it lad have you seen the film

The Purge if you hurt her it'll be fucking one minute by six for the rest of your fucking life see I know like when I'm a dad here he goes

here he goes when I'm a dad little sweary five year old fucking Vinnie Jr. What do you want, Dad, you cunt? Go on.

Oh, like, in all honesty, my kids... Give me the keys to the Mustang, you fanny. No, my kids are going to be raised right. They're going to be going to church till they're 15. Oh, for fuck's sake. Well, that's where they'll lose their virginity. But, like... Catholic church, ladies and gents.

That's the kind of humour we don't usually do. If I've got a Little girl And she brings A lad home He can stay How old 14 Fucking hell

Really Stay But They're in Separate rooms He's staying With me Sharing your

Bed Yeah What's he called DeMarcus spoon him to sleep so you're noncing no no no no

no protective spooning I'm just enough that's it I'm just gonna be like I've got a oozy but you don't show him

don't show him now now you're spooning him so if he feels your dick your dick just like nudging his thighs like, fucking hell, Mr. Roe, I can feel you, Roosie.

You got it in bed. Don't call me Roe, you bums. That's illegal. If you want to fuck her, you've got to fucking get spooned by me. If you want to be her lover, you've got to get with her dad. Jesus Christ. Your daughter is going to be single for a long time. Look, I've made up a fucking floaty bed, right?

It's in mine and Amar's room. You can stay over, but you're going to sleep with us. You're not staying in our bed. At the foot of the bed, like a dog. Curl up. Good night, Tionte. We've got an en suite, so you don't need to go out of the room for a wee at any point in the night.

If you'd like to leave wake me up and I'll let you out I'll undo the handcuffs is he a hostage yeah yeah and this is

what does he get for staying what does like what is he getting out of this do you know if I was this kid I'd be like I might stay for tea love

and then fuck off you know because your dad gets really weird about 9pm when he starts getting the fucking handcuffs out like lad bedtime goodnight princess

I would like heavily threaten him like the first lad who comes round to my door heavily what you got there I think is light that is menacing though a dad going like we'll go into the woods and you won't come back just bring him in

in front of my daughter Eliza A dad going, we'll go into the woods and you won't come back. Just bring him in. Be like, how are you, mate? You're nice to meet you. In front of my daughter, little fucking Eliza or whatever her name is. Eliza. Is that the real name that you like? Eliza. Let me have a word with Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

How old's Jeff? No, Jeff's coming back. This hasn't happened yet. Jeff's coming back. Do you remember? Jeff's coming back, man. Yeah. Bring Jeff into the kitchen.

Little Eliza Linda. Eliza Linda R won't he yeah bring Jeff into the kitchen little Eliza Linda Eliza Linda Rowe yeah bring Jeff into the kitchen Jeff is her age yeah no no he's six months older

yeah okay alright so bring Jeff into the kitchen you're like look look I'm your dad I told you he could come round got fucking boss spag bol on there

me and your man are making a fucking belt of a spag bol and we've got fucking cheesecake for dessert and it's your favourite isn't it okay you just go in the living room watch the telly Jeff come with me lad let's go and have a pint me and you have a making a fucking belted of a spag bol and we've got a fucking cheesecake for dessert and it's your favourite isn't it okay you just go in the living room watch the

telly Jeff come on me lad let's go and have a pint me and you have a pint take him in

the kitchen take him no row his bar by then you've got an extension don't you yeah I'll take

him where she can't hear us actually me soundproof dungeon you gonna call it that office

office are you gonna say come into me soundproof dungeon yeah it's his office but for Jeff's it's a

dungeon listen Jeff right are you Jeff yeah Are you going to say come into my town please don't Yeah It's his office but for Geoff's it's a dungeon Alright Mr. Rowe Are you Geoff? Yeah I just want to say thanks very much for

I've really I've really Thank you for letting me round No no It's a pleasure to have you mate Obviously we've known for a while now that you've been into Eliza

and she's into you and she talks about you non-stop Oh Thank you Mr. Rowe And we're very happy to have you and genuinely I want to welcome you to our and we're very happy to have you and genuinely I want to welcome you to our family

you know you're very welcome to be a part of it I hope you're together forever doesn't always work out for high school sweethearts and we'll understand

if it fizzles out okay I just want to let you know right see this knife right I'm not messing lad

if she ever even cries a single tear because of you I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to your ma. Fucking, I'm a celeb style. You see how much celebrity get me out of here?

Yeah. Okay. You know, after the kangaroo bollocks, your ma's going to be eating Jeff bollocks, okay? She cries one tear because of you. I will fucking cut you up, you fucking cunt. I will cut you until you can't be cut no more and feed every bit of you

to your ma your da your step da the fucking family dog you'll be fucking done for alright you understand can I ask one question

no you can't what's the wifi password do you understand what I'm saying yeah I've got it you don't understand I've got it Mr Rowe let? I've got it, Mr Rowe Let's go and have some spag bol Okay, good

Connie garlic bread as well Well, that's a frightening insight into the future Good luck, Eliza Eliza Linda Rowe Oh, not here yet Oh, shit On her way Oh, not here yet. Oh, shit. Oh, no way. I actually like the name Elijah.

It's from Hamilton, isn't it? Is it? Have you seen Hamilton? Yeah. It's good to know. Nearly bought you a Hamilton Academicals shirt and then thought, I'm not buying a 40 quid Hamilton Aki shirt

just to be like, you like Hamilton? And then everyone would be like, good joke, Dan. Kobe! 40 quid. Elijah was the name of Hamilton, Alexander Hamiltony shit, just to be like, are you like Hamilton? And then everyone would be like, good joke, Dan. Kobe! 40 quid. Eliza was the name of Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton's wife.

Yeah. Eliza! I put myself back in the narrative. Well, there's large swathes of that where I didn't know what was going on, but I tell you what, imagining what would happen to our sexually active children is way more entertaining than I thought it would be.

You know, generally, it's not one of those subject matters you think is going to be dead fun. I wouldn't tone that down around it and say, well, you know, when we're sat there and having a laugh and that, I'd be like... I think you're going to be a fucking nightmare for this kid's boyfriend because you're going to be, hopefully, well-known by then.

You know? What if he's a patron? Oh, that's tricky innit no that's worth two fingers do you know what I'll I'll save

I'll save just so that there's no awkwardness I'll sign up to patron I'll give him my login and tell him to cancel his I don't want anything off this cunt good

good good hey Jeff ad maria that's what I'm saying now so what were you talking about in the cunt good good hey Jeff I'd marry you that's what I'm saying now so what were you talking about in the

soundproof dungeon dad I was just threatening him love I was just letting him know I'm going to cut his body off you're not going to lie about it Jeff's just crying just one tear rolling down his eye

what's he saying he exists but he doesn't exist unless he's a bit older depends on when you're having babies isn't it I reckon it's going to be at least thanks I on when you're having babies, isn't it? I reckon it's going to be at least... Thanks a lot, Karl.

Thanks a lot. I love when Karl just goes, oh, let's get a bit factual here. I thought time works. Yeah. Oh, right, we've got Tom Lucy. I mean, he's coming in. I can't wait to see him.

I can't... So excited. I cannot wait to see him. What's going to be interesting to this is see me lose about four pounds in the break. Because the first section was recorded at the end of december and the second section was recorded at the end of november so gonna be great to lose weight in this advert break yeah we had a mr tom lucy coming to see us a couple of weeks ago we've had it in the can for a while uh we knew it was going to be tough to get guests over the christmas

period we've saved it for now it was a fucking belter it's great to have tough to get guests over the Christmas period. We've saved it for now. It was a fucking belter. It was great to have Tom Lucien. Enjoy the adverts. Enjoy the episode with Tom. And happy new year. All right, lads. Alexa, play Keep On Moving by Five. Order. Order.

Order. Like the man said, you can order our new line of merch at haveawordpod.com. Go and have a look. We've got some amazing new merch we've really upped our motherfucking game got new colour t-shirts new hoodies

logos designs and the best bit we've got our catchphrases some of our favourite podcast catchphrases catchphrases like rat

chow upset me and baffalusho go and check out the website see if there's something you want to buy for yourself haveawordpod.com follow us on socials

at haveawordpod tweet about it share it on facebook give us a like on instagram oh jesus no you're a good egg back to the pod you beautiful lids from texas to skim everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game it has to be have a word yeah yeah dr said Ruby, have our ad. Yeah. Yeah? Doctor said... I knew you were going to do one, and you hadn't quite planned it. Yeah, Doctor said I had a dog up my arse. Ah, shit. Welcome back, part two of the Have A Way podcast, episode something,

and we've got Tom, fucking Lucy here. What's happening? Yeah, absolute pleasure to be here, chaps. Thanks for coming in, man. You were commenting before that you've watched a couple of episodes and we've all got caps on. Yeah, I just mentioned that you always wear the baseball caps, but then you said you don't always wear the caps. I don't always wear them. He does because he's got bald man problems and he looks a little bit...

Doesn't look good. You look like Moby mixing a new... That's a new thing. I could do that that but i need the do you wear caps on stage i do wear it yeah i do like midweek to look like that's progress i'll wear a hoodie and a cap and be like can't really be arspania yeah and you take that into account it's midweek i've just been gardening sit on a stool as well yeah muddy trainers i do like a little sit down sometimes you know

do you never wear caps not on stage i would feel weird about wearing caps on stage it's like short shorts i wouldn't wear on stage shorts and caps oh good shout on the shorts i've done shorts at edinburgh i've done my full hour in shorts yeah really because like that second week of the edinburgh festival i sort of give up on trying to impress the audience. I'm sort of like, look, you've paid your fiver to get in. Yeah, yeah. If that. Some of yous are here for fuck all. And I'm going to dress how I feel comfortable.

This room's boiling. The walls are literally sweating with the infections of the plague. If I want to wear shorts, that's the least of the problems in this fucking cave. What kind of... Not like sports shorts, though. Yeah, you really short shorts. Speedos. Woo!

I put swimming shorts on. Yeah, they're like five-inch ones that are just for, like, marathon runners. At one point, I had... With a little ball pocket, like... I had a pair of jean shorts at once, and they're just not acceptable for a fat man to wear. Yeah, jorts, they're called, aren't they? I look like Holly Valance. I think...

I bet you fucking did. I just... I nearly carried on and went oh no no i think shorts is a it's got to be like extenuating circumstances hot room in edinburgh everyone's like fuck i'm hot but like it's amazing certain gigs you're like come on mate we're paying your money but seeing someone someone absolutely crushing a gig in shorts is quite... Who's the... Roger Monkhouse. Roger Monkhouse. He's got a winter outfit and a summer outfit.

Yes, he looks like... I've seen him compare the Comedy Store in flip-flops and absolutely destroy it. You know you are liked by the ownership where you flip-flop into the room, yeah. Imagine an open spot arriving in flip flops and don war doing it this is what you did wrong just going down his fucking outfit after the lockdown i i just worn shorts through the whole of march april and may

yeah yeah and i just the first couple of gigs back i was like i'm not ready for jeans and but they were outdoors as well the one here that we did the run corn gig the in the big room i wore shorts i fucking loved it yeah but then it just then you just got to go back to normal i've i've done a couple i've been on a couple of zoom like calls meetings and been wearing shorts and accidentally had the the camera sort of angled up my shorts and then someone's had to say, can you just push the camera up a bit? Because it's sort of going directly up your shorts.

Wow. How low do you have your laptop for the old two days? I've since got like a little thing to put it on. There you go. I did a very quick Zoom meeting with me dick out. Because I slept naked and woke up, I've got to do that thing. And I just threw a hoodie on.

Yeah. But I had no one of these on and I just threw a hoodie on. Yeah. But I had no one of these on. I nearly answered the door two days ago. I sleep naked quite a lot, and I live on my own now, so walking around completely bollocko is one of the privileges of that, isn't it? Yeah.

So I woke up, and it was, you know, some of you might have seen, there's an artist in Liverpool called John Charles, and he painted portraits of me and Paul Smith. You know that picture? Yeah, yeah. So he's got his own fashion brand now called Be Boss, Be Kind, and I ordered a hoodie and a cap from that.

And his missus come to deliver the thing, because rather than post it, she's like, I know where Adam Lynn is, I'll just take that. And I was half asleep. I'm not sleeping very well. So I had like three hours kip, and I just hear the knock on the door, looked out the window and was like, oh,

be down in one minute and literally just ran to the door, put the key in the door and had my hand on the handle and I went, oh, I went, one minute.

I had to go and put something on. There's something very toddler-like about being naked from the waist down, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. It's one of the, you'd rather,

it better to be full nude than just like t-shirt and nothing else like child on the beach some lights there's some theories about the fact that sleeping naked is supposed to be really good for you there's some like some theories about how it's uh could feel like your your psychology it's good for the bed bugs to get a good fucking nibble on your dick they can really get at you is it like got nothing in the way. Is it like those things people used to do where they put their feet in a fish bowl? Yeah. Is it like that for your whole body?

Oh, my God. Adam's shiny, clean dick, because all the bedbugs are like, Guy! He's in bed! Did you ever go to one of those fish foot spas? So, you put the feet in, there's loads of fish, who are basically fish slaves. There's piranhas in a...

Come on, now. Which absolute gypsy-owned discount fish... Come on, now. You're the fish pharaoh. You've got a little bit of trout and a few piranhas. Yes, Moira, you lost a couple of toes.

Christ, you got a fucking freebie. Just like small little nibbly fish. Baby piranhas were in the bowl and you put your feet in and they'd chew like all the fucking dead skin and stuff yeah

they're normally it's normally in the middle of like a shopping centre as well no they had a great in the middle of Wilco's and Boots 2008 to 2014

and then everyone went oh fuck off it wasn't there people the fish started dying because they were eating fungus no I thought they stopped it

because they were spreading you were spreading it yeah because you were eating fungus. No, I thought they stopped it because they were spreading diseases. You were spreading it, yeah. Yeah, because you were eating someone's foot and then eating someone else's. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking spreading the gear around. FTDs. Getting AIDS from a little fish. What a shit life.

You just say FTDs. FTDs. And that could be either fish or feet. Pick your joke. What a crap life. Insidactive jokes without them, though. Crap life for those fish. Crap life, my friend.

Just fucking horrible foot after horrible foot. Yeah. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. No one was forcing them to eat them. Do you know what I mean? You're saying it like the fish. What, like there's one fish in the corner like, No!

Not doing it! It's why we're here, Pete! Come on! No! I'd rather fucking starve not getting minimum fish wage do they get do you think they get fed food as well

or is that their food people putting their feet in could you google off us please Karl could we find that out pull that up I wonder if anyone tried to stick a dick in I think you'd be immediately

I've got a new mattress I don't have the old Adam Rowe dick cleaning option At home with the bed bugs Like a dick valet A dick valet? You take your dick to get valeted Yeah, like a back sack and crack No, I mean like put your dick in the water

You're quite sort of well groomed You couldn't wear a cap because you'd look famous then Do you know what I mean? I know you in the water and it just you're quite sort of well groomed you couldn't wear a cap because you'd look famous then do you know what I mean I know you're not famous quite you would look famous do you think if you had your big coat on

that you come in with a cap on head down people would be like who's that Jude Lawley like a famous vibe Sam Smith

they'd probably think you do you have got like Sam Smith's current hair cut as well yeah I've been told I look like Sam Smith for years yeah

people used to shout it you keep copying his look though every time he gets in a maybe need to gain a bit of weight to a really ill Sam Smith

Sam Smith with AIDS yeah but do you do you look quite probably shouldn't say that keep going on this road don't turn left

maybe don't use that from fish from fish no look he could get AIDS he could anyone could get AIDS you know you put in your dick yeah I imagine turn left. Maybe don't use that. From fish. No, look, he could get AIDS. He could. Anyone could get AIDS,

you know. You put it in your dick. I imagine he's putting his dick somewhere. In fish tanks. Yeah. I think if you're dipping your dick in a fish tank. Then you deserve AIDS.

You should. I'm not going to say you should get it. I will. You should. Fuck them. If you're being a dick, if you're fucking fish

with your dick, you deserve everything you get. It's brutal when audience members decide you look like, so it's just such a fucking annoying heckle to get in it. Yeah. Because they go, who's it? It's Sam Smith!

Yeah, yeah. And then they're expecting it to be like, ahhh! And it's not actually funny. It's also, I don't really know, because when people used to shout it, I don't really know how you're supposed to respond. There's no like,

fuck off and die! There's just nothing, there's just nothing there's nothing particularly because your style on stage is very friendly and you're quite conversational when we gigged together last year in shrewsbury yeah you went on and i'd compared and i don't like everyone can we talked about this recently you can do your comedy how you do it and you started off and i was like oh tom's doing the opening half an hour and you chatted to the audience to get into every bit of it and at first i was like oh it feels like he's comparing and then after 20 minutes i was like oh he's absolutely nailing it it's a very friendly conversational style so if someone chips in with her you look like sam smith you can't be like why don't you go fuck your mom anyway mate so where do you work well someone's i

remember someone saying to me, I can't remember who, but they said, with heckles, you need to, like, you go back with the same level of aggression they've come to you with. So if they say, like,

I don't like your T-shirt, you don't shout, get cancer. Do you know what I mean? You've got to be the same level of... It's a great put-down! It's got to be the same... What could they say

that would justify you getting cancer? Get cancer yeah no you get cancer brilliant that's a great it's it's a weird bit of advice though isn't it whatever energy they bring you just like it's very sort of like drama teacher advice isn't it i don't like t-shirt i don't like your t-shirt professional comedian i don't know what sort of gig you'd have to be doing with someone which out i don't like your t-shirt professional comedian I don't know what sort of gig you'd have to be doing when someone would shout I don't like your t-shirt the worst heckle is repeated compliments isn't it

you know when someone's like I really like you and you're like you've just ruined that joke but thanks anyway be quiet you be quiet you this sounds so ridiculous

someone laughing too much when the gig's going well but one person is either way too keen, way too drunk, or... When they're like... And you're like... Because the gig's going well,

but then they're going so big with their laughter, you feel like, I'm going to be... This is the only time this year I'm going to have to be like, could you enjoy this less? Because it starts annoying the other audience members. To be hearing someone laugh at what you've written i mean like i wish she'd fucking stop that yeah because at first you're like wow you've got a big laugh and everybody's

yeah they have and like well into the set it's just too much i i think that thing about equal aggression i'm not sure that's a great bit of advice you need to go one up just one up I think if someone loses it it's so empowering to be like alright why are you so angry it's just a comedy show if you just go and they're like

no I feel like you're fairly aggressive I can be I get aggressive this is becoming a little theme. And I love it when he goes, no, no, no. No, I can be. I get aggressive when someone is really rude.

If someone gets proper aggressive, like, I'll fuck them back. I'll smash your head in. Then I'm just, like, I laugh at them. Because I know that that is exactly what they don't want. Like, last year, Hot Water did some external Christmas shows in a theatre called Grand Central and in Liverpool it's the old Barcelona bar

and I was the last act on and there was a group of six in the back three girls and three lads and they'd just been cunts all night like every comedian had come off and been like they had a fucking nightmare at the back and I went on and I just like they were a fucking nightmare at the back. And I went on and I just,

like they were just talking, like in a big theatre, but you could hear them. They're like, yeah, after here, we'll go to fucking Inc. And then maybe we'll go to fucking 52. And then we'll go. And I was like, hey,

and I was just really audible, like not aggressive, not shouting, just like pulling apart what their personality could be. And when you talk at someone and don't give them a chance and you've got a microphone they got really really angry the lads tried to rush the stage and i tried to rush the stage the dormant that eventually they got kicked they should have been kicked out after the first fucking section but they got kicked out and then

after the show i went to leave and the dormant grabbed me and went they're all waiting for you outside saying they're gonna kill you you need to go to fire have you ever have you ever had anything get a little bit physical uh this is literally like i know we've you know we've missed gigs and they're just coming back it's gonna be a rope here let's remember when you nearly got twatted i don't i don't think so i've seen it like there was a famous thing that happened at top secret in london where where somebody threw a pint glass at the stage do you remember that? No. It was like a big...

Was that at you? No, but I was there because I went on just before I threw the glass. God, this is boring. It was James Loveridge, I think. Oh, yeah. Do you know James? Yeah, host Spank. Yeah, so of everyone to get a pint glass thrown at,

he's probably the best one because he's hosted that show for years. Spank's like a really, the latest of late night shows at the Fringe. I think Spank's like what Late and Live used to be, isn't it? Yeah. Late and Live's a bit tame now. Mate, Late and Live shouldn't even be allowed to be called Late and Live. Spank exists, you get confirmation times come through, it is ten past three in the morning.

Yeah, yeah. It's a fucking thing. And they also do that thing where they get someone completely naked on stage, don't they? Yeah, the cock spot. Yeah. The free, you get to advertise your, like, am-dram show. So at Spank, so let's contextualise it a bit for listeners.

This is at the Edinburgh Festival. Yeah. And Spank starts at three o'clock in the morning, doesn't it? Is that right? No, it's more like two. Maybe it ends at three. Maybe it starts at one and ends at three it's late it's insanely late yeah and uh but it's always busy every night even like a monday night yeah

and it there's two hosts they co-host it and they're bouncing back and forth with these abigail is still doing it abigail showman uh james loveridge evan demaree started doing some of them last year i believe and it's fun and they have acts go on doing late night sets the acts are often as drunk as the audience because it's ladies

as fuck and they've done four shows that day and they wanted a pint the audience are hammered every time someone on stage says spank the audience shout

we love it because it's like sort of Pavlovian drilled into them like a cult yeah but they love that that's why people love podcasts.

They like the repeat jokes. They like the... I like that. It's fun. But to have it at a live show in Edinburgh, that takes some doing to get people to know your catchphrase because it's such a transient... I saw Ian Sterling rip into someone that was rude to me at Spank.

He went on the set after me and he slammed them. And I just did my set there was some bell ends i dealt with it but not spank style and ian sterling went on and sort of defended my honor which i hadn't asked him to do he's like your fucking damn name goes on and you're being a god and every time he slammed me he went spank and everyone you love it what the fuck i have not done this gig enough like it was amazing just saying Ian Sterling is such an underrated comic

yeah man like because he's done so much like reality TV and stuff I think some people think he's like a reality TV guy who does stand up

he's a fucking comic he's sharp as fuck any fucking room he can go and I remember talking to him after that first or second series

of Love Island and he was doing a massive tour and talking to him about what that was like. And he was like, he said, because he did this thing before he came on stage at his tour, he would have the mic on stage and then a table with the Love Island water bottle on it. And it said Ian on it, just as a little nod to the show. And he said before he came on audience members would be queuing at the front of the selfie to take a picture with the fucking water bottle and he'd be in the wings going oh my god they're having a selfie with a water bottle

that's fucking insane yeah um he's a great comic james lovebridge that hosts spank it's not the kind of comic that you'd think would anger an audience enough to be glassed. No, he's so friendly. He's so nice. But the point is that if anyone's going to throw a pine glass at a comic, James is probably one of the best because he's hosted that show for...

He's used to it. So what happened? It missed him and it smashed against the back wall. But if it hit him in the face, it would have... I mean, it's serious damage. Yeah. Pine glass in the face. Oh, that's one.

As you're picking glass out of your eyes, you're like, did it get recorded? Have they got the footage? How funny would it be if James Loveridge became the new Jim Jefferies? Getting a sack on stage.

Maybe in that case, your baseball cap might have helped a bit if you had a cap on. You could have just put your head down I really want to get I think our audience will love the fact

that this cock spot thing exists as spank though so at that late night show where it's fucking wild everyone's pissed and co-hosts we love it every time someone says spank

before the penultimate act so you've got the headline actor who's always a decent profile and the penultimate act is normally the newest one to spank, one who hasn't done it before. I've only done it once, and that's the spot I did.

And just before that new act goes on, they let anyone in the audience who has got a show at the Edinburgh Festival, you can come on stage and promote your show to the 200 people that are there, as long as you get completely fucking naked. And I seen some absolute maggot dicks that night. Yeah, but I remember being there thinking, surely no one's gonna get completely naked and then every time i've done

it someone's got completely in front of like 300 people do you know how dick my how big my dick would have to be for me to use it to promote my head in the show i think i could do major damage to my sales like yeah you'll get naked and then you'll promote your show and you'll sell more tickets yeah yeah i think i'd ruin a load of children's nights like and it's not set if anyone's like oh is it a bit pervy it's really not it's some awkward 19 year old drama student even when the girls get naked is it going oh is it going to be really raunchy she's like fucking hell it'd be amazing

if you got completely naked it just completely killed the atmosphere of the night all the clapping just dies down there was just a lump

on one of your balls people on the front row are like you want to go that's how you find out that's the night you found out you got cancer

another cancer reference I'm loving it 18 minutes in sorry oh man have another cancer have you been uh have you been gigging since we've come back have you just been doing zoom stuff have you been taking covid seriously i did uh i i did quite a lot of gigs in in between the two lockdowns yeah in that summer bit uh

where are you based mum in london i did a lot of outdoor stuff driving gigs did you do any of those? no yeah I did yeah

and what a joy that was I had one day one but that was my very first gig back and I was watching my set on YouTube

before I did it and then got on and you couldn't hear anything. They'd managed to, for some unknown reason, socially distance the cars from the stage. Because people in cars really need to be a good 15 to 20 metres from the stage. I've always said that, yeah.

And the sun was setting behind the stage so you could just see through the windows that the sun was hitting them. It was like July and they were like... It was fucking brutal. With Freddie Quinn wandering around the back around the background oh you ripped it oh the feedback was amazing and they'd been told they weren't allowed to honk the horns because of the they weren't allowed to honk the council had gone you can't honk that's the only um because because i only did one one of them but then we did two shows in a night and the first show was tough because none of us had ever done

gigs to cars before but then the second show you kind of you kind of already used to it and i remember doing a joke and thinking i got more beeps in the first show and i was like i was already like used to gig into cars i couldn't do it me i just needed to be back i sort of wanted to do it more out of curiosity than anything else. I said that at the time. I was just like, this summer, hopefully, is the only time you'll get the opportunity to do a drive-through gig. Pray God I don't want to do any more.

We've done beer gardens. Freddie Quinn organised a gig in a garden in Chorley. I did some beer gardens. It was unusual, but I've got to do it I'm like you know when are they happening again the outdoor ones I've quite enjoyed

they were fine they've been fun like as long as it's a sort of you know they're literally a metre apart and there's still a bit of

atmosphere I did one in a field and they were literally told bring your own chair and put it wherever you want and there's people like you're in one penalty box on the footy pitch

and they're on the fucking line at the back bring your own chair and put it wherever you want yeah that's a great idea I'm like no I'm comfortable here you can't talk to me

there was a lot of goodwill though yeah initially wasn't there of like wow because it was well publicised that comedians had had a blitz type thing yeah

get your garden furniture and come down and support live comedy yeah yeah and then that wears off it's like yeah it's just fucking they should have done

a drive through spank that would have been incredible get your knob out on your feet 500 standing on the roof of your car with your knob out

just open the bonnet like look at the engine on that that's better than the blitz thing was funny as fuck wasn't it like especially like Liverpool

right I don't know whether you know there's not much time you spend in Liverpool you know Liverpool is a very that Spirit of the Blitz thing was funny as fuck, wasn't it? Like, especially, like, Liverpool, right? I don't know whether you know, there's not much time you spend in Liverpool. You know, Liverpool is a very parochial city, and I think if Liverpool were given the independence referendum that Scotland were, it would be a 93% yeah, we're fucking off, and seven would be.

Oh, the only problem, maybe Runcorn trying to get involved as well. Like, no, we're fucking, we're not scored, ass! Like, Liverpool is very insular and I've got a t-shirt that's got Liverpool and England written on it with a line

through England and it's like we're not English we're Scouse sort of thing it's got that identity

it's a nice t-shirt and Liverpool it's not a very sort of Brexit shagging British flag in your Twitter

bio type of place it's just not that type of place and then because there was a lockdown and you weren't allowed to go anywhere, for the first time ever, people celebrated VE Day.

That was one of the funniest bits of the first lockdown. Victory in Europe Day! What's that? I don't know, but it means I can have a pint in the garden with Geoff from next door. So I've put some bunting up. Let's get the fucking fire on.

Just any excuse to just not be sat in your fucking house on a sweltering day. I saw because this is the first time I've been to Liverpool since what's since what's happened

hey you're not in Liverpool lad get your fucking binge right but it was but from the outside it seemed like Liverpool was

just going mental because every night on the news there was videos of like people rioting in Liverpool and well this is the thing this is why you shouldn't watch the fucking BBC and Sky News, mate,

because they try and vilify the North and Liverpool in particular because we tell them to go fuck themselves. What news should you watch then, Adam, if you're not going to watch... LFCTV. LFCTV! Loads of news about Brexit, the COVID vaccine, and fucking Jeannie Wynaldum. This does sort of have the vibe of a conspiracy theory YouTube channel.

You just need like a Brexit, not a Union Jack flag. Or an England flag, yeah. Mate, we literally can't have a Union Jack up. I just don't think it's going to suit our look. Two white guys. Some of the jokes we do around accents aren't going to work well in front of us. Yeah, Liverpool's been sound. Some of the jokes we do around accents aren't going to work well in front of, like, for the kids. Yeah, Liverpool's being sound.

What happened was, when they put the curfew in place of 10 o'clock, that's when things seemed to go a bit mental, because they let literally every pub in Liverpool out at 10 o'clock at the same time. And, like, Liverpool's not like London. Do you know what I mean? In London, if you miss the tube, there's another one in 45 seconds. In Liverpool, if you miss the bus, you've missed the bus. You've got to walk home from town.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So, yeah. I was surprised when I went into Liverpool. It is weird because Liverpool's reputation is almost sort of, like, Liverpool leans into it, doesn't it? Like, we don't fucking...

Like, I do this podcast so regularly with you. And then I went to Liverpool to do that hot water stream show. And I just expected everyone to be like, ah, fuck it, we do what we want. And then to get in there and be like, the streets were relatively fucking empty. There was hardly anyone there. Did you wander into London at any point to have a look? Because I must be tempting to go and do the 28 Days Later thing and have a little mooch. I was walking around all the time. I found it really sort of quite interesting to walk

around and it was all dead everywhere. It's quite weird. You're saying no one outside the M&M store in London. It's fucking weird, aren't it? Yeah. What a travesty. How will this economy get back going if the M&M store is shut? Surely the biggest tragedy of the coronavirus, the M&M store going under. The thing with Liverpool, though, being like, you're like,

oh, fuck it, you know, no, we'll do what we want. Oh, no, I'm not saying it is. It's just the perception, isn't it? Perception. That you help me believe. Yeah, yeah, totally. But that is also what is portrayed in the news,

isn't it? For everyone who doesn't live in Liverpool, it is portrayed as like... My uncle visited in August. He lives Eastbourne. Yeah. And he was like, got off the train, picked him up,

and he was like, oh, this is Chester City Centre, which is meek and mild at the best times. He's like, oh, it's actually quite normal, isn't it? I was like, what the fuck do you think is going on? Just like everyone licking each other and fucking dogging. The was must have been perceived as like on fire or something yeah liverpool's got a very strong uh identity of socialism and and the the ideology of socialism

in liverpool is very very popular so because it was drilled into a lot of people and also there's no one more importance in Liverpool than your nan. Your nan is fucking, you know, we worship our nans. It's your nan, then God, and then maybe someone else. Maybe Yamar after that. Your nan's number one. It was drilled in early on. Jürgen's not far back.

That's what I meant by God. Fair one. But it was drilled in early on. If you go out and you're mixing with your mates you might kill your nan and if you tell that to Liverpool they will go

although we don't like the government we don't like being told what to fucking do it's like look I fucking hate Boris Johnson but I really fuck I love me nan more than I hate Boris Johnson I honestly think

if the message had been that clear it would have done more good and I'm you know I don't think the government are ever going to come to you Adam to do many adverts but I think you could have done great fucking work if you'd have had a nationally televised i'd be like look lad your fucking nana will be gone stay

in your fucking house i think it'd be great what's the what's the liverpool obsession with the nan why is that a thing scouse nan that sounded so southern what's the liverpool obsession with the nan always i don't understand there's a lot of sc's the Liverpool obsession with the nan? I don't understand. There's a lot of Scousers who live with their nan, despite the fact their parents are alive and well. And those kids are always a bit fucking weird. Nan kids.

What? Nan kids. Nan kids. They live with me, nan me. Oh, what happened to your mum and dad? They fucking live two streets away. They just can't fucking put up with me. It happens quite a lot.

Really? The nan kids of Liverpool. There'll be people watching this who have there'll be a few nan kids watching who are like he doesn't mean me you as well and there'll be people watching going i've got a nan kid mate and they're a bit fucking tapped do you know any what do you know any i've got a few nan kid mates yeah yeah and they they live always two streets away from the mar so that they can be sent to the mars whenever they fucking need but they live in the nan's box room because the mar maybe had them a little bit too young i was like i can't fucking deal with this and then am i was like i'll fucking take him you carry on you carry on listen i'm 39 but i'll do it again

tom did you do you know any nan kids from where you're from it doesn't sound like a very london thing i don't think so i think my my dad i remember said that the first the first flat he lived in when he moved out was his nan's house but that but it feels like a thing from the past doing that yeah moving in with your nan is your first i mean not to paint too fucking depressing a light on it it's because someone's fucked up like it's a it's a hard thing isn't it if your nan has to step up and raise you someone's in prison on drugs or just having a fucking nightmare normally but these liverpool nan kids that's not what i'm talking about what do you mean they on paper they've just like mom i'm leaving she's got all the fucking blue

ribbons i'd love to stay mom but nan's got all the best biscuits ribbons I'd love to stay mum but Nan's got all the best biscuits you see you're taking the piss but yeah my two cousins did that there's a load of kids in Liverpool who live with their Nan their parents live round the corner

how old are we talking they're there from when they're a kid until like the 27 and they eventually move out they grow up in their Nan's house but on paper like from an outsider I'm sure if you go and see their therapist

they'll tell you that there's underlying issues but from an outsider it's just I live with me nan lad why what happened to your ma she lives a few streets away

with me dad what are you fucking on about why is that weird it's not lad you crack on with your day don't ask too many questions they've got a look in their eye and you're a bit scared of them

full of fucking biscuits and don't want to be judged honestly kids are semi-common i am making it out like it's like a chris rock bit about you know when you're the kids are being raised by grandma and it's all about basically in that i've seen those chris rock bits and it's basically about drug abuse isn't it yeah and so in my head i'm like oh shit it must be like because of yeah it's a serious and you're like nah they're just nearer the bus stop that could be it that could be it it's 100 i like plastic sofas amazing please look i'm telling you right now can we have a shout out for the nan kids comment on this video on youtube if you know a nan kid

and this is definitely going to be a social media clip so tag a nan kid in below this I guarantee you this becomes one of the most interactive videos we've ever done

because they're fucking everywhere and they're all there's something wrong with all of them you can't put your finger on it you can't put your finger on it because you'll be sitting around in a group with them

at the pub and everything's just a bit fucking normal. Everything's sound. But every now and then you look over, and they're just like a little... And you're like, oh, I don't know what that was. And you're like, yeah, don't ask any questions, lad.

Diabetes. Well, they've got a little twitch going on. Yeah. Yeah, you know that interaction? I'm not sure it's going to come to, like, be a lot of London people like, oh, my God, I did spend a summer. I remember my grandparents,

they've got a lovely villa in Provence. Yeah. Where's Provence? France. France. I was going to say the south of France, but then I'm not. The south of Provence.

Provence. France. In Provence. Have you ever lived with your nan, Adam? I used to go and stay a bit. On a weekend sometimes, I'd just ask my mum, can I go and stay with my nan?

Oh, yeah, that's a touch oh hang on hang on that's not a Liverpool thing no that's fucking getting looked after by someone who really likes you

yeah that's quality isn't it your grandparents have regrets from how much they fucked your mar up don't they and they try and

atone for that by raising you better that is classic isn't it like your parents have got to lay down the fucking law otherwise you end up a wrongan or like getting run over grandparents like come round and i will just yeah don't tell your mom i gave you where do your grandparents live i had grandparents around

the corner and then i had grandparents where my mom was from about 25 minutes down the road she was she grew up near blackpool so uh we had my nana and granddad were my mom's parents and they had my sister every time so if my mom and dad were away yeah my sister went there and then my grand and pop pop's still alive he's 95 he's got four types of cancer and refuses to die and uh he's such a heart it's great i've said it on the pod before he got told he had leukemia by the doctor my dad was with him they drove off and he just the first thing he said my dad was like what do you think dad and he went what a load of rubbish and that was two years ago and the leukemia is sort of gone it's the most northern response to finding you out that is the most you've got leukemia i haven't

bollocks i'm gonna just live to prove a fucking point i but we always went i always went to them because my gran was bless her she's been dead 20 years but she had raised my dad and she only wanted to be really only wanted to be grandchild to a boy yeah so it was really noticeable when it was like right mum and dad are away for the weekend and obviously i'm going to Gran's and you're going to Nana's because she was like, I'll have Daniel because she just wanted to deal with boys. So my sister's got a little bit of resentment about that.

So my nan and my grandad, my mum's parents, they lived about 15 minutes away in a taxi and then my grandad... They live in a taxi? They lived in a taxi. Big black one though, you know, plenty of room in the back for a bit of banging. Why?

Why did you do it to yourself? No one even did it to you then I've never seen me like I've got nothing Against my nan and my grandad Getting what they need Okay? People have needs You've got to get over it

You're fucking my love Mate Wait, wait I've seen us do banter But I've never seen someone Do it to themselves Like, yeah, yeah They were good people

I love the dick that's how much abuse we give each other we start doing it to ourselves and my dad's dad so my dad's mum died long before I was born my dad's dad lived

around the corner and he used to have a a round that he did every day so in very typical Liverpool style a lot of my family lived in Dovecote which is the area

in Liverpool I'm from yeah so my grandad lived there sounds quite nice Dovecote it lived in Dovecote, which is the area of Liverpool I'm from. So my grandad lived there. Sounds quite nice, Dovecote. It's not. Dovecote. It's... It sounds nice, doesn't it?

It's like Warrington, but with more directions. Is that near Provence? It is. It's the Provence of East Liverpool. That's an old one. Yeah. So my grandad lived there, and in the morning, he'd go to me auntie Maisie's and have a cup of tea and maybe a bit of breakfast. Then he'd go to me auntie carol's and he would stay in me auntie carol's

all day because she lived over the road from the bookies literally over the road and he would go and every horse race he would go and put a 20 pence bet on and then go and watch it in me auntie's and then go back and put either collectors winnings or put his next bet on with more money he'd go back to 20 fucking pence yeah he wasn't trying to become a millionaire he was trying to pass the time

imagine the woman at William Hill like alright Derek here you go kid usual bet his name was John actually sorry

don't get his fucking name wrong sorry the plasterer and he was just making 20 pence bets with all that he'd made his money

cathedral money did he leave all the winnings to you? He did, yeah. £4.57. Took him 25 years to win. It wasn't money, he left me just the ticket. The 208 at Doncaster. That's a working class inheritance. I leave to you a seat at William Hill.

He'd go back and forth from there. Then he'd go to my auntie Maisie's again on the way home for another cup of tea. And then he'd call into mine. And even after my mum and dad split up and my dad had moved out, he would still come to ours to see me, my little brother and my ma. And my ma cooked his full tea every night. So she made an extra tea for him. And this is, I don't know how i feel about admitting this on the pod

but it's i suppose it's a good story my granddad john for one reason or another a very old man was a sun reader he read i honestly wondered what you were going to say that it made you question whether you're going to say it and then totally forgot that the sun is in the whole of liverpool he he used to read the sun which in Liverpool is just they probably sell about 10 copies a day now it's non-existent really I remember when Chris Turner

comedian Chris Turner I did Baby Blue with him once and he turned up and he was like have you been in a newsagent's there and asked to buy The Sun and he told me to get

the fuck out of his shop what's going on and I was like we don't buy it yet that might have just been Chris Turner though I did a tour show. I did a tour show in Liverpool.

And in 2017, I won the Sun's Best New Comedian. And it was on the tour poster. And there were posters in Liverpool. And my agent was like, maybe take that off the the tour poster. And there were posters in Liverpool. And my agent was like, maybe take that off the Liverpool tour poster. Yeah, serious, man. That's the example of him talking about it being parochial and the thing with socialism and the sticking together.

It's a city divided by two football teams. But that's not a Liverpool thing. That's a Liverpool and Everton thing. Is that a City of All? Yeah, it's not a Liverpool thing that's a Liverpool and Everton thing Is that a City of all But is that what year are you talking about

what year would this have been are you talking about It was post Hillsborough Okay Yeah because I wasn't even born when

Hillsborough happened but I remember at one point I went into the news agents Nina's News it's called on Dovecote Shops in Liverpool and it's called in on dovecote shops in liverpool

and uh it's ran by a woman called nina and her husband alan we're running together that's how they've been seeing some of my shows in the past couple years like your local news agents are supporting you on your fucking career that's amazing like i love it dovecote so everyone knows each other so So, like, I went in one day, and I'd been in my Auntie Carol's for a bit, and my granddad went, go over to Shop Forest, get me the sun. And I went over, because I had no idea when I was a child.

Yeah, yeah. And Alan said, no. He went, if your granddad wants... He went, who's that for? I was like, it's for my granddad. He went, if your granddad wants to be reading this thing, then he can come and get it himself. I'm not serving this to a kid.

So why did he have it? Why did Nina's have it? You legally have to stock any mainstream newspaper. A newsagent can't refuse to stock it, but they can refuse service to anyone. Wow. So it's a really weird legal thing.

And me grandad... So there's a lot of fish and chips in Merseyside eaten out of really fresh sun newspapers. You won't see it? No. You're going to a shop. They won't even put fish in it. So what sun newspapers you won't see it so you'll go into a shop they won't even put fish in it

so what's they won't the fish are like they won't even no they won't like they'll literally they'll put one out on the thing

and they'll just cover it with another newspaper so you'll never see it yeah so where it's very common for people to go in there's no delivery

what do you mean so because you said they're legally obliged to sell it to stock it yeah they just go in the bin they just have one and then the rest will go in the bin but they no the shops can't really do that What do you mean? Because you said they're legally obliged to sell it. To stock it, yeah. Do they just go in the bin? Do they just have one and then the rest will go in the bin?

But the shops can't really do that because they could get us to be in trouble. But you know on the newspaper stand where there's the mirror, the mail, this, that? Yeah, yeah. So someone will put three copies of the mirror over the pile of suns, right? And then if someone comes in, the shop will be like, oh, a customer must have done it. So you won't see it there and it's very very common for someone i've done this to go into like a tesco and get the pile of sons and just put them behind the frosties do you know what i mean just take them out yeah you won't see all the frosties off the shelf put them at the back so

no one can get it why do the why do the son bother sending papers to Liverpool? They must be making a massive loss. I think also another part of the legality of it, and I might be speaking out of tenny, I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure they have to send it to every news agent as a stock thing. But when Alan refused to sell me that

copy of The Sun, I went and spoke to my grandad and I was like, he won't sell me it because of this. And my grandad was like, oh, fucking bock's that. And I remember years later after I'd looked into it and found out the whole thing about it. Because I was literally a child. I must have been about seven or eight when this happened. I'd just been sent. You're forgiven.

Everyone gets it. You're like, I didn't know everyone. Because of that, my grandad eventually stopped reading it. Because of that interaction. Just sort of shamed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. You can't like. So, of shamed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really?

Yeah. You can't, like... So, Sun Comedian of the Year there, Tom Lucy. We've got a new comedian. Woo! Yeah. What an awards night that must have been. Yeah. What was that?

It was a thing they... I don't think they do it anymore. It was the Edinburgh Festival, and I remember some, like, coked-up Sun journalist came to watch my gig, and then I got this award afterwards, which doesn't mean anything. Yeah. But it was, like, it was published in the Sun. I don't want to say their name again now.

Fuck them off. Right. Yeah. No. Like, I want them bleeping every single... No. You can do that. Let's see how much you want them bleeping.

Oh, I fucking hate them bleeping. Oh, I fucking hate them so much. But yeah, I just went the grandparent route and it just sparked that memory in my head. Grim.

Can we have a break? Yeah. Do you need a little minute? I need a minute. You need a watch? He needs a minute to read the fucking mirror. Should we all have

a shower together? Wow, Tommy. There's probably one next door, don't you fucking... I'ma like that. I'ma like that. We'll be back

after these messages from the moneybag people. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer 52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast, baby,

to give our listeners a free case of eight beers. You will get eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack. You just pay the 5.95 postage. You can pause or cancel your membership to this Discovery Club at any time. But until you do that, they're going to keep sending you beers. They're going to send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included Germany, California, Belgium, Korea,

New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. Every month, you'll get a new theme of beers sent to your house. And I'm telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away. Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R 52.com2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us.

Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. Tom, have you ever done any gigs on the Isle of Man? I have, yeah. Could you imagine if you went, no? More Kevin Webster, please. No, we were just having a little chat there in the break about you've not done the gig on the Isle of Man.

There's one gig on the Isle of Man. I was meant to do the gig on the Isle of Man, literally on the 17th of March, and on the 15le of Man. I was meant to do the gig on the Isle of Man. Literally on like the 17th of March. Yeah. And on the 15th, we got put into national lockdown. It's a bit of a ball late from the Northwest as well. Like getting down to Hampshire's a ball late to then have to wait for a ferry as well.

Oh, you're thinking of the Isle of Wight? Oh no, that's the Isle of Wight. The Isle of Wight is basically fucking... Oh, it's over the water. Oh, right. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's very near Liverpool, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, I take it all back. That's our island. Yeah, there's a fucking Sc, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, take it all back. That's our island. Yeah, there's a fucking Scouse thing with the Isle of Man. Right. One of our old mates who we used to work with, Nick, he's Scouse, but he's from the Isle of Man, but he's got a Scouse accent. Yeah.

It's very strange, the Isle of Man. Yeah. Very strange. They have cats with three legs, don't they? What? Is it three legs? Two dicks? What?

Manx cats? Manx cats? Yeah. They've got two two dicks or is it no tail there's something wrong with them anyway right tell me are you like what they fly the cats fly please google man cats from the isle of man because there's a bit there's something wrong with cats in the isle of man what's the capital no tails no tails what's it called oh and three dicks douglas is it called doug Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is it a country?

No, but it's got like a... A capital. Not a capital, but like counties have got like a... It's a principality, isn't it? Is that what it's called? Is it? I think so. Thank you.

Dick Edgerton Recorder. No, it can't be a principality, because that means there'd be a Prince of the Isle of Man. Is that a requisite, yeah? Well, Wales is a principality, and there's the Prince of Wales. Is it a prince of the Isle of Man. Is that a requisite, yeah? Well, Wales is a principality, and there's the prince of Wales. There is a prince of the Isle of Man. Here comes the bullshit. No, it is.

Here comes the bullshit. There is a prince of the Isle of Man. Thinking time. What's his name? He's giving himself thinking time. How many dicks has he got? Maybe it's a Provence. Oh, Tom Lucy. It's actually prince it's yeah yeah he's dead now

prince yeah don't have to be beautiful it's famous for being like a tax haven the isle of man people so like lewis hamilton got in trouble for putting his bank account in the isle of man and then in order to have a bank account in the Isle of Man. And then in order to have a bank account in the Isle of Man, you've got to sign the document on Isle of Man ground. So he famously flew his private plane to the Isle of Man, got off the plane, signed the contract and got back on the plane and flew back to London. Yeah.

Why would you pick the Isle of Man as your tax haven when you could just pick Monaco? Well, he lives in Monaco. He lives in Monaco, yeah. He's got a lot of tax. That makes it even fucking weirder. He's as your tax haven when you could just pick Monaco well he lives in Monaco he lives in Monaco yeah he's got a lot of tax that makes it even fucking weirder he's already in tax haven yeah maybe it's better in the Isle of Man

I don't know but it's part of the UK isn't it you should get a tax guy on here and talk about it it's part of the UK so I think it will be

linked to that it's like Guernsey he's got to show some Guernsey's the same yeah is there any word you can't say on the Isle of Man

Carl got bored with the HMRC Guernsey's the same. Yeah. Is there any word you can't say on the Isle of Man? Carl got bored with the HMRC inquiry. That was the lack of knowledge between the three of us. Yeah, there's cats with no dicks, and they can levitate, and I think it's Prince, the King of the Isle of Man. And you don't have to pay tax, they use fucking rubles next question yeah so the point is that i went there to do the gig and and uh the promoter of the gig said just so you know there's a word we're not you're not allowed to say here and he couldn't tell you what it was no no they got something else, they got something else. They call it something else, which I've forgotten.

But the word rat is like, you can't say it on the Isle of Man. You can never do a Have A Weird Live show on the Isle of Man. My God. It goes back like hundreds of years to some old superstition. Oh, yeah. Why? What are they saying, Jamie? It's a superstition with the long tail, which is the cat, I think.

Oh, so they cut the tails off cats? So it's something to do with rats? In case there's secret rats. It's something to do with, yeah. And they never use the three-letter R, whatever that means. So it must be the letter. No words.

Three letters with an R. Oh, three letters with an R. So rat has got R and then three letters. So they never use letters with. I'll say rig. Art. Rob. Oh, it's just rat.

Oh, right. Rob. Just rat. My dad's got it. Rob. My dad's got it. Rob. Rod. Ron. so they never use letters i'll say rig art rob it's just rat all right just rat rod ron yeah red red yeah but i thought i thought that was like that that would that would be a bit of like an old superstition, but no one takes it that seriously. But they're into it. But they are fucking serious about it. Because as a comedian, it's the worst thing to do is go,

don't say this word. And at the gig, on stage, I said, oh, apparently there's a word I'm not allowed to say, thinking that would get a bit of laughter. Dead silence in the room. Get cancer! Do you know what they call them cancer do you know what they call them do you know

what they call them yeah I can't remember but what is it big fellas big fellas rats that's it they're referred to

as big fellas yeah that sounds so random it sounds scousey I told you there's a scouse thing in the island man that sounds

I had to get the fucking exterminated out like here the fucking big fella rummaging around the cupboard that's mate Johnny I had to get the fucking exterminator out lad I had the fucking big fella rummaging around the cupboard

that's mate Johnny Bongo talking about the three lads on the back there on the card that reminds me of some of the

big fellas in the fucking walls you'll have to send the exterminator out we've got the big fellas

and they're under the fucking flower beds your gypsy accent really kills me you know of all the dodgy accents we do on this podcast Every now and then

It's allowed because they're white in your head now And that's why it's allowed now If they were a proper ethnic minority I'd be a little bit more careful about it you know Are you saying they're not a proper ethnic minority? I don't know but I'm glad we've not got a union jack behind me right now I'll tell you that for fucking sure

got a question here do you have a favourite accent to do Tom do you do any accents not really come on Sam come on the box is gone Adam

the box is gone ah yes are you going to try and make me do a gypsy accent no you what can you no no you that'll be a nice little clip

for your social media completely out of context Tom Le something she was on have a word hello there i don't know about just living with your nana bullshit but i know what words you can't say any other manner and any accents do you ever work with a comic who's like got a strong accent and you find yourself doing the accent i say what i used to do a lot and I had to stop it is when I was going to do a gig I'd be listening to some comedian and then at the gig

I would basically just do an impression of whoever I was listening to on the way there. Dad inflections and stuff. Still your material. Yes, I'd be doing stuff about growing up in Guildford but with Chris Rock's voice.

Guildford is a motherfucker! To the window! stuff about growing up in guilford but with chris rocks too many hills and shit every uphill you go up a hill you come back you still go up a fucking hill still a hill what's with all the hills still a hill there's two types of uphill there's hills and there's mountains. And hills have got to go. Chris Rock's guilt for this. Yeah, yeah. Started doing the gig in a red suit as well. Oh, my God. When I'm driving late at night, I'm not looking over my shoulder for mountains.

I'm looking for hills. I'll tell you what, though. It's still... If you watch, like... I don't know if you get this, but if i ever watch like a comedian's special and then and then that i i think in their voice for like a day or two and then you're you're thinking of ideas for routines but they're they're not they're routines

that would be great for whoever you watch but not for you have you seen nate bargatze nate bargatze special the tennessee kid on netflix I've been doing stand-up 17 years when I watch that. He's my age. It's not like I'm young and he's more experienced. And for a month, I could feel myself doing it, going, talk like you talk, Dan. There's something about that special. I loved it.

He doesn't swear. He's one of those comics that, on purpose, doesn't deliver it very polished yeah you know like there's that style like chris rock is super polished yeah he he uses like word for word he used like almost powerpoint words yeah like he will repeat the premise a few times and then the other style there's like that a caster like nervous on purpose almost and nate bargazzi does a little bit of that almost doesn't know his script on purpose and that's so not my style for a whole fucking month i was like what are you doing and it's just because it it got in my i think that's

i feel like that's the sign of uh a great comedian when like you when they've got such a distinctive style yeah you can that you can you can think of an idea and go, oh, that feels like a Louis C.K. idea. I am. Yeah. No, that's a bad example. You're a hero. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stay there, love. I think I've told you this before off pod. I had to stop doing a routine because I named Bargatty. So, weirdly, someone introduced me to it. It was probably Freddie, like most of the American comedians that I don't know yet. And, like, John Mulaney, Freddie Quinn was like, you need to watch this guy. And I went on YouTube and found a Nate Bargatze routine that he did on, like, a late night show. It reminds me of, like, Conan or something.

And it's almost, word for word word one of my routines so i did a routine for a bit about uh the insanity training program and it was like uh they show you the before and the after photo and i'm like mate how do i get your before that i'll do i'd be happy with the before that'll do me i've seen him do that bit yeah i haven't even remembered that yeah yeah he yeah, yeah. And he does that, but with P90X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I seen it, and I was like, it's almost like one of us has nicked it off the other one. It's that ridiculously similar. I'd never heard of the lad, and I was like,

this is fucking, and it's on, he's done it on Conan or whatever. And I just had to stop doing the bit. Do you think that happens? Because it's too similar. Do you think that, because I think that happens, because people always, they jump to the conclusion that like so-and-so's stolen a routine, but I see it happen quite a lot where two comics have got pretty similar bits.

Yeah, but this isn't like that. Like, I get that. I've seen that happen a thousand times, where two comics independently have gone, I'm going to write a bit about walking the dog, and, you know, what it's like to pick your shit, like, a common thing like that. I've got a bit about walking the dog.

But there's certain comics you're like, you don't, when a joke is like that I've got a bit about walking the dog but there's certain comics you're like you don't when the joke is like say Gav Webster or an actor that's got a really specific style

and way of thinking they're the ones where you're like probably not going to have the same joke as that person but if you're doing observational storytelling

there's a chance you're going to have overlap but if you'd have seen Nate Barghatty's routine and then seen me do mine, or vice versa, you'd have gone up to either me or him and gone, that's Adam's bit, or that's Nate's bit.

It's so strikingly the same. Wow. He's still pissed off about it. Comics are definitely guilty. And I've definitely done it before where I've gone, I've got a new idea for a bit about this and I do it

and Danny McLaughlin will go Joe's got a really similar bit to that this guy and I go I remember I worked with him nine months

ago and it's probably gone in and I've forgot about it that happens and you just stop doing it because you've been sort of inspired to a bad extent

but I didn't know who Nate was never heard of him and it was just really really really pissed me off Tennessee Kid really well done I remember doing it extent but i i didn't know nate was never heard of him and it was just mate go watch nate really really really never heard of him tennessee kid really well done i remember i used to do a routine about gout and and uh i remember you got it when someone goes mate so-and-so's got a great gout bit well this but a lot of people then started saying to me that john robbins has got a famous gout

story i was like yeah but we can both have story we could both talk about gout it's not like we're not doing the same joke yeah that that but it used to happen almost every gig i'd do it someone another comic would go oh just so you know john robbins has got a gout bit yeah i saw a comedian frog years ago he'd written a whole bit about alanis morissette's song ironic the joke was it's not ironic is it and he broke it down he did the whole bit it got laughs and then he came off and went yeah i think that went pretty well that's my new bit and everyone's like what ed burns most favorite bit of comedy and he was like and and you know when you can judge the reaction yeah like we're like humans are very perceptive about when you can call bullshit he was so

clearly gutted because he'd spent fucking ages writing it all out and then we'd all go yeah Ed Byrne got famous off that bit

in the late 90s idiot yeah and he was gutted and he just had to never ever do it again but he hadn't robbed it or seen it

I could tell the way he did it he did it so badly on stage yeah that if he nicked it it would have been better yeah but he was getting laughs because it's a funny premise yeah but it was the way he reacted he went oh you're kidding oh fuck i was like yeah there's a man who's just wasted but there's a lot three days of writing and practicing it happens quite regularly with like big a-list comics where they get accused of stealing routines and i and i and i i reckon because a lot of those big without naming names a lot of those

big comedians that have writers that work with them yeah and it might be that one of their writers has seen it it's gone into the back of their head they've then pitched it to the guy he's he's now doing it completely unaware that it's come from one of his writers who saw it from an open spot comic also they're touring with themselves aren't they they once you got off the circuit yeah you only didn't know what's going on so so comics who are doing hour and a half they write their hour and a half when are they watching like we're constantly if you're on the circuit, you're constantly watching all different. You'll work with hundreds of acts a year. I've got to say something, guys.

I do think that there's got to be some cunty writers, though, who are like, I've got to write for fucking, I don't know, I've got to write for fucking Ahmad Jalili, so I'm going to just go down a comedy club, write down my favourite bits, and Ahmad will never know. And Ahmad's fans will just think that is. There's definitely country writers who are going to comedy clubs and shystering.

And then Omid's got 10 minutes on the insanity routine. About living with his nan. I'd like to think, because obviously we've all got aspirations to get bigger and bigger as a comic and do big tours. I don't, I'm done. Is this you? Yeah, yeah.

Once you've won the comedian of the year, new comedian of the year 2017. He just wants to do new material on Wednesdays, a top secret in London. With a cap on. Happily, just covered in fucking brick dust. I don't think I'd ever get writers for me stand up. I'd quite like having some plastic cut boys around me. Was that what Kevin Hart calls his crew

yes mate plastic cut boys he does he fucking does and then he's got about 8 guys he's just got his mates

you must have heard of this the plastic cut boys no I haven't he's got about 8 mates of his that are all old school friends

and they just travel around and they all write for him and open for him I went to see him do his Netflix special at the O2 and and he had

about nine support acts before he really does he gets all the plastic cut boys out and the crowd are humored for the first classic plastic cut boy and by the second one they're like yeah i went and we went to he does a stand-up routine about going to see kevin hart and about and about the company i've now stolen yours no sorry one of my writers gave me that i on in the bit i've retold the story of going to watch it but it wasn't i really wasn't talking about kevin hart i was talking about the compare yeah because the compare he's called spank spank horton is his name. We love it! He was particularly painful to watch. Because I knew what he was doing. He had a tricky job on his hand.

He also, what I found really difficult is, I've never heard so many warnings about filming a gig. Oh, yeah. It was unbelievable. From the moment you sat down... It was quite hostile, wasn't it? It was hostile. But on the fifth warning, I was like,

wow, they are really getting this across that you cannot film the show. It was if they care that much. But he must have said it 30 times. Why not do that thing that all the Americans do where they put your phone in a pouch? Why not do that thing? I think this was pre...

The one you went to was pre-pouchers because they're only about two or three years old, aren't they? This is 2016, 2015 maybe that I went. The other thing i found weird about going to watch it is because they were shooting it for netflix before kevin hart even came on stage the warm-up guy was telling the crowd they were getting shots of the crowd laughing so he was like oh what we need you to do now is laugh as if you've heard the funniest joke ever and we'll get shot to the crowd and the in that might work in america but in england in london everyone was like well we'll laugh when you say something funny we're just gonna laugh we've paid 60 fucking genuinely the atmosphere in the arena started to turn a bit where people i could hear people shouting out

where the fuck's kevin it started, if it had gone on much longer, it would have got a bit tense because people were like, what the fuck's this? Those Paper Cup boys, I think there was three sets. Yeah. And it was, including the compare, we thought we turned up late. It was an eight o'clock start.

We got in there at ten to eight. He only went on at about nine, ten past nine. So there was over an hour of his support acts yeah and one of them was pretty good one the one before kevin hart i would say main support yeah he could have yeah but he was just the first two i was like this is just objectively i've come to enjoy myself pretty poor comedy and it was getting titters it was getting laughs

but if I'm honest the guy before Kevin Hart was better than Kevin Hart the night I saw him I remember that guy yeah and then Laura was like why he was quite good

why do you think he was better and I was like because he's doing his best comedy ever if they started out together him and kevin hart which i guess is they're his mates from when they started out in comedy yeah yeah that's 20 years of of set so that's his best material in 20 years kevin hart's doing his

fifth special at that point or whatever yeah so he's on his fifth hour and it showed yeah where did you see it manchester manchester the emmy and yeah MEN yeah I went to the O2 one have you played the O2 because I know you I was the spank horse because I know you Jack Whitehall you've done some big

tour sports haven't you I did I've done a couple of tours with Jack Whitehall where I've been the support act and they've been in arenas so we've done hi Jack

would you like to come on the podcast you're welcome on the couch anytime I think Jack would be terrified in here would he yeah I think Jack's quite shy actually I think you would scare him that's so funny

yeah now I want him in more than ever we'll come in but you did the O2 with Jack yeah we did we did four nights at the O2

which was which was and we had now I'm saying it we had a couple of support acts me and Lloyd Griffith did it nice so Lloyd went on first

and then I went on and then Jack went on but how was it how did you did you feel like you like four O2

O2 arenas yeah so on the first one were you nervy by the fourth one was it better luckily like the the London dates

were at the end of the tour so we'd done all the arenas around the country so by that point we were quite used to it. But it's still like the O2 is different to... Yeah, it's 20,000, isn't it? It's got that, yeah, it's got that sort of...

So what did you have to do differently? I'm fascinated by this. By that point, you knew how to... It's a weird... It's very different gigging in a theatre or a club. Everything is much slower. So you get through a lot less material than you would in a theatre or a club it's everything is much slower so like you you get through a lot less material than you would in a in a theatre because you just have a lot comes in waves right down yeah and and you feel like you're going too slowly but you're not you have to really slow down why is

that just because just because you go to such a massive room and like if you talk too quickly because your voice is literally echoing around the room it'll just like if you talk too quickly because your voice is literally echoing around the room it'll just get lost you talk too quickly like one of the speakers is still saying what you said yeah three seconds ago while the other one's saying and also so i didn't know this but some of the arenas in the country have better much better sounds than others yeah the o2 is really good but like sheffield arena is terrible for sound because it's an ice rink so sheffield arena when they have gigs there they put seats on the ice so the ice on the ground that's so yorkshire in it right we're having an arena right we need a floor floor they can just slip and slide

to the bastard seat amazing amazing but they you know your career's going alright if you're sat here slagging off arenas like I slag off gigs in Sheffield just because they're shit gigs you're like oh damn

let me tell you once you've done the O2 the Nottingham Arena is a nightmare amazing I just remember the Sheffield one

because because of the ice about halfway through the night this sort of like mist starts to appear around me. It's fucking melting, Jack! Because of all the heat of everyone sat on it,

this kind of mist starts to appear. As if it melted, you know, this fell into a big pool. How beautiful would that look? Like it's a Jean-Michel Jarre concert and smoke rises up as you're... That's what a reference that was. as you're trying to do your bits oh that's fucking brilliant now how does i suppose it's a bit of a hairy question but you you do an arena tour you're not a mug you know how many people are there is the pay like is it done for the whole tour is this something you're allowed to say on

i'm always fascinated by this when because i've had offers of support not loads and it's like a big room and they're like obviously it's the 150 pound tour support you're like you're doing the maths of the rest of the room i know they're not here for me people there they're paying for me do you know what i that i've done a couple of tours with him, and the first tour, he came on stage on a horse. He thought it would be funny to come on horseback. It just sort of plays up to his posh persona.

So we travelled around the country with a horse in a horse box. I'd love to do that, a hot water, you know? Yeah. Trying to get through that little gap in the fucking audience. You'd have to have a little pony. Fucking calm down, shit girl! No, come on now, Adam, get on the stage now. Fucking Shamrock's getting edgy, come on now.

That'd be brilliant. You know, after the pandemic, there's not going to be any horse entries. The country's in recession, the government's fucking ploughing all this money inside. It's like, oh, she's too nice to raise her everyone. Jack jack whitehall's gonna have to work on his image a bit like should we do horse for 2021 it was it was pretty funny to come on stage in an arena on horseback because the horse would sort of walk through the crowd to the stage it was pretty funny but uh yeah anyway we tried how did the horse then get from the floor onto the stage? There was a ramp. Oh, right. Okay.

In my head, that was a big jump. Yeah, it vaulted the last bit. I can't believe that is a real story. The money thing. At the end of the tour, because we had the same horse the whole time, and the horse trainer, I guess, came around with us. I know. At the end of the tour, I was chatting to the horse trainer and I found out that the horse was being

paid more than I was for the tour on the last night of the tour. And I was like, that's not good, is it? I feel like I've been slightly mugged off it. That's a really painful conversation to have with your agent, like, mate, I'm really not happy about this. What, fucking horse is getting horses on more than i am

amazing it was bad so does that answer your question about money yeah it honestly does beautifully done the horse the horse was actually very like it had a lot of credits the horse the horse had been in loads of tv shows and like i was chatting to the horses the sun new comedian of the year 2016 as well yeah yeah sorry i said the name been in like beep that one out he'd been in loads of like uh films and tv shows and he was like quite a quite a famous horse he was sort of like very uh is this what your agent told you afterwards like he said well he's been on loads of tv that's why he's got them that's why the fees are what do you remember any of the credits um they were all like films that have horses in i don't know black beauty

it was black beauty maybe black beauty i think you've just said a horse film from your head i just want to think of a film with a horse film from your head I just want to think of a film with a horse in it the Lloyd's TSB advert yeah he's got fucking commercials

oh that's brilliant yes it was it was very but then also in the before the we did about a month of theatres

before the arenas obviously you can't bring a horse into a theatre famously so he would as you know as you've tried

he'd just ride Lloyd Griffith in... Well, I wore a horse costume and Jack rode me onto the stage because he had a joke about coming on on horseback so he wanted to test the joke out. So for quite a few nights, I had to put a horse costume on with the tour manager and he would play the

head or the ass i think i was the back but i remember him saying have you ever supported anyone before that's ridden you onto the stage tom it says here that in cardiff the horse pooed on stage uh yeah i yeah that was a that was a thing that they would do every night and it would it was supposed to look like it just happened that night, but it happened every night. Behind the curtain there. See, everything's written, trust no one. Fake shit.

Yeah. Carl, have you got any questions for our esteemed guest? I have, yeah. Let's start with a little funny one. I love it when he does a review of the bit before he does it. No, it's a bit of a... Is the question going to be... It's basically, if this bit's not funny, then it's a bit of a... Is the question going to be... It's basically him going,

if this bit's not funny, then it's your fault because I've got a good question. No, I've got loads. Are there any words you can't say on the Isle of Man? That'd be a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Actually.

Would you rather be four foot five or seven foot seven? Seven foot seven? Seven foot seven. Yeah. Seven foot seven is not as easy as you think though is it if you get a

a plane anywhere it's gonna be a fucking nightmare being a being a midget doesn't look fun all the time apart from when

you've got loads of leg room on a fucking Ryanair flight it's fun for everyone else if you're a midget isn't it yeah 6 um crazy room on a fucking Ryanair flight. It's fun for everyone else if you're the midget innit. Yeah.

Six. Crazy eyes. Keep going. Keep it going. You know what I mean? I reckon you're more likely to get invited to parties if you're

four foot five than you are if you're seven foot seven. Is four foot five midget? What's four foot five? Am I going to

Google the legality of midgets? I don't think midgets. I's four foot five? Am I going to Google the legality of midgets? I don't think midgets... Under five foot, you're a little person. I do know that six, seven, you're technically disabled. Four foot ten. Really? I thought that was giant.

No, they count that as a disability if you're six, seven. Being too tall. But if anything, you've got more ability. You can reach the fucking highest of shelves. That's not a disability, is it? I've got more ability you can reach the fucking highest of shelves that's not a disability is it i've got i've got beef with that yeah but then dwarves can also reach the lowest of shelves yeah um everyone can reach the lowest if you're too tall you fall over uh four four four tens dwarves yeah so four for five you are definitely you're getting a bite like you're a little person please little person yes oh yeah yeah you're right

yes you are what if you were 7'7 but dog shit at basketball wouldn't that be fucking awful you're like competitive how tall was like

Michael Jordan 8'6 5'6 6'6 8'3 he wasn't particularly tall though was he what did you say 6'6 I think he was about 6'5

Shaquille O'Neal was the big ol' money yeah he was about 7'0 Shaquille O'Neal Shaq big old money. Yeah, he was about 7'0". Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq! I think the tallest guys in the NFL, like the stupid tallest ones, are like 7'5", 7'4".

They're like ridiculous. They make large men look really silly. But they all die when they're like 43 because the heart goes, mate, I've done loads of work getting blood to that fucking heart. It's like big dogs always die early. The midgets live long then.

The small dogs. Midgets live forever. Do they? Like turtles? Yeah, because they're magic. Yeah. Because the blood doesn't have to go around. No, that's it.

I'm sick of bumping into 143-year-old midgets. Go and see your nana, you're like, oh, Jesus, they're fucking everywhere. Trip it over. go and see your nana you're like oh Jesus they're fucking everywhere tripping over this has been a real

you can't you can't you couldn't move for midgets in my mind you're going to town in midget hour did somebody send

that question in or is that you just came up with that yeah I got sent in yeah we got we get a lot of them. The amount of things in my inbox.

It's so mental, my inbox. Are we all going tall then, yeah? I think tall, yeah. There's nothing bad about being tall, no. What about if you were caught in a lady, or the person you're... Wow! Try and do that again. That was fucking amazing.

What about... I don't know where you are status-wise, but if you were, you know, DTF and you'd found someone you want to bang, Tom, a lady! Or someone who identifies as a lady. And, oh my God, did you see the email where we basically...

I have ADHD. No, no, no. A trans lady emailed in. A trans woman emailed in and went, listen, I don't know if you've fucked a trans woman, but Adam's single and I quite like him and down your fit as fuck and I think you look good.

Now you've put the weight on. And I was like, thank you. I am so starved of flirty emails that I'll take it off a trans woman. I'll have a look. Have a look. That sounds exciting. That was a defensive batting away of that one, wasn't it?

I'll have a look. I'm not committing to yes, I'm not committing to no. I want to have a little browse of the old... See if she can spell. Did she send a photo in as well? No, no. I need to leave an air of mystery around these things. Thanks, mate.

You're going to have too much mystery. What were we talking about? Six. Girl, you're on Tinder. What's your height restriction no people do mileage what's your height restrictions see this is a difficult one in it because i think i've told you adam five uh nine but i say five eleven okay five nine two four that's his dick what five nine I reckon five nine so like I I could put up with a girl being a bit taller than me

when she's got heels on so you you five sevens you because what is it an inch or two heels innit yeah it can be a bit more than that

so yeah what if she was dead fit and six four I just I look I know this is toxic but I'd just feel emasculated if she was fucking...

Like a centre-half? Yeah. I couldn't be stood next to fucking John Terry. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'd just feel insecure, and I know that's my issue, but if they're... I think you've made...

As soon as you say stood next to John Terry, the thing isn't about her height. You're like, yeah, I don't want to fuck John Terry either. Surely, if you're 5'9", there can't fuck john terry either surely five five if you're five nine you then there can't be that many girls who are taller than you five nine oh yeah yeah but with heels so they get like that extra three inches what's the average height of a lady five four five three five four yeah yeah i think average height of a man is about five nine five ten yeah i can do i can deal with it with heels on but five three is the average of a man is about 5'9", 5'10". Yeah. I can deal with it with heels on.

5'3 is the average of a lady in the UK. Here we go. 5'9". Not a man. Cut the tails off. You're so average. Well done. 6'5".

I think I'd go small for the lady. I think that's, you know. You'd want to be small. I think that women value height quite a lot. Yeah, exactly.

To a 4'5", I'm fucking tall. Statuesque. No. No, what are you saying? You'd rather be... You'd rather be not... What would you rather your missus be?

I swapped it round, remember? Oh, right. Oh, like what you'd get from a girl. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'd want a seven foot seven girlfriend. No. No.

Can't be dating a fucking oak tree. What the fuck are you on about? Or a John Terry. John Terry. Yeah. Good question dating a fucking oak tree. What the fuck are you on? Or John Terry. John Terry. Yeah. Good question, though. Thank you. Question, go on, another one.

I have, yeah, and this includes a bit of an interactiveness. So, all right, lads, this is from Scott. He's got a whiteboard. He's got a fucking whiteboard. To the whiteboard! Scott Harcup. Okay. All right, lads, loving the podcast.

It's certainly getting me through life as well. Listening whilst the missus screams her head off, giving birth. Oh my god. That's a long labour, isn't it? It sounds a bit dark. Anyway, I have a debate about that shit. I have a debate which can't be solved. Let's avoid that one. So,

you must pick two of these to defend you while the rest try to kill you. Okay? So, I'm going to read it out. I'm going to put this up. You don't have to keep asking me, okay? Okay.

Crocodiles. Oh, 50. 50 hawks. 50. 10 crocodiles. 3 brown bears. 15 wolves. 1 hunter, which I'm guessing is a man.

7 Cape buffalo. 10,000 rats. Big fellas. 5 gorillas and 4 lions. Big fellas and callback. So, five gorillas and four lions. Big fellas and callback. It's a hell of a shopping list, I'll tell you that now. You must pick two of them to

defend you while the rest are trying to kill you. That's a good question. I want five gorillas and 50 hawks, please. Yeah? Because the gorillas are going to be hard as fuck. Oh, now I want the buffalo.

I think the rats are the show, you know. No, they're not. Because you could just fucking bang them. 10,000 of them. 10,000 is a lot, isn't it? Yeah, but you've got fucking rats. 10,000 rats. And all you need is a knife.

Seven buffalo. Buffalo would crush the rats. Because they'll be fucking stomping on them. Mate, that was beautiful. I didn't even hear that. He did an Alanis Morissette 10,000 rats joke 10,000 rats when all you need

is a big fella you don't want to say 10,000 rats but 10,000 rats is a lot of rats 7 buffaloes I definitely want

and I think I want the girls as well so there's my answer buffaloes 10 hawks 10 crocodiles 3 brown bears would kill the rats by standing on them and the gorillas like seven buffaloes killing ten thousand hang on what could a rat do to a buffalo chew the legs off wow so how many rats per buffalo it's about 1300 yeah's about 1,300 rats are trying to twat seven buffalo.

I'd go rats and hawks. She's got the ground and the air. What the fuck? I'd go rats and hawks. But how are you stopping a fucking brown bear getting at you? What? The rats? And the hawks would do its eyes in.

It's blind and it's just fucking picking its back. That's fucked, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know, you know. I'm going 15 wolves 5 gorillas can I just say no matter what you pick

I think you're fucked it's not either way it's not a good place to be is it yeah what's going on here what a day

which one we've completely ignored the hunter yeah he's fucked though isn't he any of them kill him yeah yeah because he's got

one shot who the fuck sent in this is this man having a nervous breakdown no he's having a baby who the fuck sent in this is this man having a nervous breakdown no he's having a baby who's got time to write questions like this

it's a long labour you want to see what we do on the drunk episode I invented a quiz show called who wants to be a maida ray with dicks

and it was about the maida capitals of the world and the biggest dick size in the world and I amalgamated them and made a quiz

it took me hours and it was fucking nonsense is that an idea you're pitching around the channels or yeah i think it's going to end up very late nights on channel five tom what are you going for uh hawks and bears hawks and bears bears are the biggest aren't they so yeah i i think you need an animal that's going to be able to one of the gorillas can sort of hug over me like a so the other four gorillas are fighting one so the hawks what they can't get to me so like babe like the the mama gorilla is going to look after me like in tarzan and. And maybe the gorillas... Mama like that. Mama gorilla like that. Maybe the gorillas will get around you and put you in a little cocoon.

And raise me. Yeah. I think with 15... I think 15 wolves is being underestimated here. We're forgetting the lions as well. Mate, I'd rather have 15 wolves than four lions. Fact! You could ride a buffalo away from the gaff, though. You could just get on and be like, come on, Jeff, off'd rather have 15 wolves than four lions. Fact!

You could ride a buffalo away from the gaff, though. You could just get on and be like, come on, Jeff, off we go. God, there's been too much animal riding on this, hasn't there? You were pony. How are you going to ride a buffalo? Fucking watch me, lad. Get me one and I'll show you.

It's a fucking scouse buffalo. Can we get a buffalo for next week? It's just like a really aggressive horse, isn't it? Yeah! Just a dead aggressive horse. That feels like how your gypsy character would sell a buffalo. Come on now Yeah. Just a dead aggressive horse. That feels like how your gypsy character would sell a buffalo. Come on now,

you don't need a horse. I got a lovely buffalo from Moira. Moira the buffalo. Moira the buffalo. Yeah, I've, I've,

gorillas. Is there a right answer to this? I think they're all wrong. Yeah. You're fucked. Yeah. You're dead. You're actually wrong. The right answer to this? I think they're all wrong. You're fucked. Yeah, you're dead. You're actually wrong.

The right answer is 50 hawks. No one was asked about crocodiles, eh? No. Because they're water, aren't they? They're not in the fucking habitat. And they're slow, aren't they? Like, they pretend. They'll be, like, pretending they're all cash.

Yeah. You fucking bang them before they've even realised. I'd bang a crocodile. I'd smash a crocodile, then, you know. Do you reckon? One-on-one. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, one-on-one with a crocodile. We've just got to close the. Yeah. Yeah. Like one on one with a crocodile. We've just got to close the mouth, haven't we? Once the mouth is closed, they've got no strength opening the mouth. Or you're going to choke him out. What's the biggest animal you reckon you could bang? The biggest animal? Like crocodiles are big animals.

What's like the fucking toughest animal you reckon you could fucking... What the fuck? Just an angry horse isn't it Pigeon I'll take a pigeon on Yeah Do you reckon Smash a pigeon

Fucking hell Hard London streets I'd have a pigeon I think they've toughened you up too much I'd have a pigeon if it was tied down I reckon I could bat at a giraffe Yeah He's gone

He's gone But I haven't Oh I thought you had I haven't I thought you I'm genuinely I really want to answer this question. All right.

I'd swat a panda. Yeah. Like Placid, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd fuck up a koala. Would you? Oh, I'd bang him right out of a tree. Shark.

Apparently, if you hit a shark on the nose, it fucks off. So if you get a quick one in, and they try and go away, and then you fuck a couple of rib shots. But where do you go then? There's no way you're going to hit a shark on the nose It fucks off So if you get a quick one in And they try and go away And then you fuck a couple of rib shots But where do you go then? There's no way you're going to take a shark Where do you go then? What do you mean? Well you've punched the shark

I had my dolphin back to shore Oh sorry What about a stingray? It took Steve Irwin down didn't it? Yeah But he was too confident with animals He was like Oh it's a fucking stingray

Give us a hug Fuck off It didn't attack He was fucking molesting it Steve had his hand on the stingray's knee oh look I can fucking stroke it

yeah do you reckon he was tickling he listen when he died everyone was like oh my god

it's so but he like stop fucking with animals they'll not kill you do you reckon he shagged any of them I don't think he was fucking them

I'm just saying is this an exclusive he's barefoot shagged something do you reckon yeah haveagged any of them? I don't think he was fucking them. I'm just saying, is this an exclusive? He's barefoot shagged something him. Do you reckon? Yeah. Have you seen that Netflix thing, My Octopus Teacher? I saw it in the list and went, I can't be arsed. It's about a man who has a relationship with an octopus. Would you bang out an octopus? Yeah. That's a that's a stupid question just out of the way of the ink don't you miss me

yeah right I've got another question here are you sure because this feels like it's fully off the rails this isn't going to

get it back on the rails by the way yeah good lean into it I love it when it goes weird Gary Harris sup lads

Gary Harris Gary Harris play for Stockport County in the 1990s Gary Harris keep up the good work bit of a mad one but I really like

this girl at work and I'm not quite sure how to approach the subject she always seems interested in me and we always have a laugh especially on work nights

out and stuff but I'm pretty sure she's got a boyfriend should I send her the picture of my penis no please help no you should like right course but I'm pretty sure she's got a boyfriend. Should I send her the picture of my penis? No. Please help.

No, you should not. Like, right. Course. Shoot your shot. Yeah. Shoot your dick. Did you say they work together? Yeah.

And she seems interested but she thinks she might have a boyfriend. I will always say... I think the dick pic comes a bit further down the line. How many messages before the dick comes out, Tom? I say at least one. You're a second message dick pic? No, I'm not. I'm saying you've got to at least be like,

what's happening? Then. You can't just open, you can't write what's happening on your dick. I thought all you young lads were just opening up with the dick. No. You can't write what's happening on your dick. A lot of guys do, I think.

They just go straight in with a dick pic. Get on this yeah you laughing at it or not if not move on I don't no woman

like lads need to stop sending unsolicited dick pics because no girl in the world sees it and is like like if you're

getting a bit flirty I just want to see a dick and sad maybe she's in the mood but no one's getting an unexpected dick pic in the inbox

and being like that's the dick for me made my morning yeah unless it's an absolute pipe oh there's a caveat

the thing is a pipe can be I'm not speaking on behalf of ladies but a pipe are we talking like stupidly big yeah but

I'm not saying she'd want it but she might be like fucking size of that bollard cock you just look it's creepy in it it's grim so what should they do then Are we talking like stupidly big? Yeah, but I'm not saying she'd want it, but she might be like, fucking size of that? Bollard cock. You just, you, look, it's creepy, innit? It's grim. So what should he do then, in reality? What's the age?

How old is he? He should ask her out. Imagine if they're 54. She's 53, I'm 54. They also work together. Hoping with a dick pic. You think she's got a fella? What is this?

Ask first and then send the dick pic. Like, it's so easy to find out if a girl's got a fella. Take a risk. Yeah, take a risk and ask her out. Don't take a risk and send her your fucking pubic region. Yeah, but how does he ask her out? He works with her.

It's not something you do in work. Write it on his dick. Yeah, he should do that. Get a fucking sharpie. What if he's not a wreck and it just says, what? You got a boyfriend? Question mark on the fucking vein.

Maybe the fact that she's not mentioned she's got a boyfriend probably suggests she probably doesn't have a boyfriend. There you go, Tom. He's fucking Poirot over there. Just ask. Just, like, all it takes to find out is, what have you been up to?

Have you been in ours? What, your boyfriend? I haven't got a boyfriend. It's that easy. It's really that easy to find out if someone's got a fella. And then you go, so just to clarify, you are single, you don't have a boyfriend. And then the DP.

Can you just sign this? Yeah. Have you got a boyfriend? His issue isn't a boyfriend, it's't have a boyfriend. And then the DP. Can you just sign this? Have you got a boyfriend? His issue isn't a boyfriend, it's how to approach the subject of asking it out. You just ask. Just shoot your shot. And if you get shot down, take it on the chin. And just be like, I shot me.

Like we were talking about on the lockdown lock-in. The lad we used to work with who we won't name on a public episode. If you want to find out, go and check out the lockdown lock-in on patreon.com. Slash have a word pod. The lad we used to work with, he If you want to find out, go and check out the Lockdown Lock-In on patreon.com slash have a word pod. The lad we used to work with, he would go up to a girl, be like, what's happening, girl?

Can I get you a bevy? And if she said no, he went, can't blame you for shooting me short. Just do it in work. Hey, what are you doing on Saturday? Just wondering if you want to come round. So how's that making a fucking... I don't know if it's that confident.

Should you do it by text? Should you do it in person? In person? I would have thought that the fact they work together makes it a bit easier because you can just make it seem like a work drink, can't you? Oh, yeah.

See how it goes. It doesn't have to sound like... Linda, have you got any spare envelopes and some pussy? Let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get to it. Full on year six school tactics.

And if she says no, just pretend you were only messing. Yeah. Or ask your mate to ask for you. Yeah. Ask HR to ask her for you that's what hr are for mate will you get hr to ask will you go with my mate do you want to go out with me no ah i was only messing you dick i thought i'd go out with you i've got a question that i want to know but how long can we how long can we uh yeah go on we've got 10 minutes okay it's not a have a word though okay okay no have a word today guys send them in we're just we are running low on them dan owen have a word pod

at gmail.com i know i like lids very professional today i like it just a quick question from the pod sometime a bit of a conspiracy theory question if you could know the details to any major event what would you choose the kennedy assassination so he said, e.g. the JFK, Princess Diana, moon landing, for some examples, what would you want to know and why? What about you, Tom? I'll come to you first. Not really into the conspiracies. I love them, me.

The Kennedy assassination. I really want to know what happened. I would say, only because I've just been watching a thing about it, but I'm quite into the Princess Diana conspiracies. Yeah, she was definitely off, though. That's quite interesting. Yeah. And Area 51.

Area 51 or JFK. It's one of them two. Area 51's not related to Diana, I don't think. Or so they have you believe. That's what they called the area in Paris, were they? Area 51. I'm going 9-11, me. Yeah.

I just want to know if it was a fucking inside job or not. Maddie McCann. Maddie... Oh, that's a good shout, yeah. I think it's quite obvious what's happened with Maddie McCann, I think. What do you think happened? I think she was killed within the week, as soon as the news... Yeah, but what...

Like, was she kidnapped? Were there parents in on her? No, I think she was kidnapped because of, like, negligence, and then she was killed when the news blew up. She was hopped off, wasn't she? You seem to know a lot about that. Yeah, I'd like to know what... Like negligence, and then she was killed when the news blew up. She was hopped up, wasn't she? You seem to know a lot about that. I'd like to know what Adam's grandad did for an actual job.

He was a plasterer! He actually was a plasterer! So just so you know, because you might not be honest, my grandad single-handedly plastered the entire Liverpool Cathedral. What? Right? And these don't believe me. Single-handedly plastered the entire Metropolitan Cathedral. What? Right? And these don't believe me. Single-handedly plastered the entire Metropolitan

Cathedral. Who's the guy who painted the ceiling in the Rome? Yeah, what's his name? Sistine Chuckles. Michelangelo.

He's like the Michelangelo of Liverpool. Yeah? Johnny Angelo? Wouldn't you be if we could find all the conspiracies

and then just be the bullshit bell was what is Steve Angelo the DJ related like long term to Michelangelo no

no silly silly person how can we this is it's remarkable this pod does so fucking

well he's just been like yeah I think Madeleine McCann was probably killed you know after negligence and then

within two minutes was there Steve Angelo? Directly related to Michael Angelo on the same mental schizophrenic podcast. Is Angelo Michael's surname, or is it one big word? And was he a Ninja Turtle? Michael Angelo is one name. Is it?

Not Michael. What's his surname, then? I don't know. Because it's not fucking Smith, is it? Michael Angelo Smith just hasn't got the right name. Are there any conspiracy theories you actually believe in? I don't think 9-11 was... Like, I think they knew about 9-11.

I think there's aliens in 8051. You're a Holocaust denier as well, aren't you? No. No, I'm not saying it didn't happen. Fucking hell. I'm just saying There's a few unanswered questions And a few loose ends

Dan I want to know yours Because you're quite a A non-believer aren't you And I don't think I think the government Were involved in JFK as well Yeah that's I think the government

Were involved in Madeleine McCann Yeah Yeah yeah yeah What did they take her for Yeah She was Fucking toys

She was a spy A spy God Madeleine. She was a spy. A spy? Madeline McCam was a spy. Spy Kids 3 is going to be a belter, isn't it? Oh, JK. Keep going, Tom. So where is she now? What's she up to?

Oh, no. God. She's in Area 51. With Diana Osama bin Laden. Diana's there. Two-pack and Biggie are there. Two-pack's in stare 51. With Diana Osama bin Laden. Diana's there. Two-pack and Biggie are there. Michael Jackson's there.

Oh! Yeah, I want to know where Two-Pack is as well. All under one. That's in Kildare. My mum reckons Michael Jackson's alive. She completely believes he's alive. Right. And what, just on a hunch?

She's got a... Tom! Tom! Dinner's ready and I've just got a feeling about Michael Jackson purely based on a hunch yeah Tupac's released

too many songs after his death yeah Tupac's released too many songs after his death and they're all good as well do you know what I mean

that's the problem I've got with the Tupac thing is every song he released posthumously yeah was a banger so like I'd understand if there was some shit ones what bangers has he released posthumously yeah was a banger so like i'd understand if there was some shit what bangers has he released mate so gospel tupac's nan has released every fucking

video every tape that she found in the fucking attic if she had a recording of tupac doing a shit it would be a hit song with elton John singing over the line are you telling me that he wrote get on gospel and just went that's not good enough for any album bollocks

he was in Cuba the recording is fucking perfect it's not even a dodgy recording Elton John Tupac's nan's a fucking big fella Tup is in cuba so do you reckon you know elton john you reckon you think elton john knows where two pack is no i don't i

don't reckon elton john's in on it what about that because he seems like you could see keep a secret don't he elton like tell elton all your secrets darling i don't reckon he's in on it i reckon there's only like four or five people who know like it's a need to know basis what's that what's that really there's a really weird conspiracy theory the one about

that Paul McCartney died yeah yeah yeah Paul McCartney died and was replaced by a lookalike he was he had no shoes on and the album cover and stuff yeah yeah

and they leave hints so that like you get onto it what do you think of that do you believe that Paul McCartney was replaced by a lookalike do you know what the got a different nose and everything do you know what the a local. Do you know what the... Got a different nose

and everything. Do you know what the gay bomb is? Do you know what the gay bomb is? This is a real thing. Get ready to press it because you're going to want to and it's not even fake. Gay bomb.

Do you know what the gay bomb is? So I think it was World War II. The Nazis wanted to come up with a weapon that didn't just like decimate people in areas. They wanted to do something that messed with

foreign military so they came up with a plan i'm not sure they put it in action i don't i'm not sure they did either but go on to make a bomb that would make all uh like enemy soldiers gay homosexual because then they'd be too distracted wanting to fuck each other then fight the natties and what was in the bomb? Glitter and a Cher CD? The Nazis are like, come on Gunter, put the poppers in the bomb and we'll explode it over the trenches. Why does he sound gay? That's just your gypsy impression. How are we going to find more boys, Gunter? impression how are we going to find more boys gunter i've got an idea glitter bomb surely that's not true yeah genuine uh a gay bomb and a halitosis bomb but what but gen but what were they going to put in the get how was that going to work i wasn't part of the

bomb building in world war ii my God. Just as the bomb explodes. I am there. Oh, that has been one of my favourite episodes for ages, that. What a treat. I still feel bad. This is how mental

this podcast is. Of all the offensive things we've said, I still feel bad that you got ridden by Jack Whitehall on his horse. That's not easy. And then they replaced him with a real horse and paid the real horse more.

You can use that as the caption for the episode. I got ridden by Jack Whitehall. Have you got anything to plug? Do you want to tell people where they can find you on social media? I do a podcast with Maisie Adam, who you roasted. I roast battled, yeah. Absolutely decimated that. Yeah.

Gay bombed her. Gay bombed. Gay gone. So you can listen to that. It's called That's a First. The second series just started. Oh, nice. It's a bit of a different vibe to this.

Slightly, yeah. We just interviewed the Hairy Bikers yesterday. They'd be great, aren't they? They would We just interviewed the Hairy Bikers yesterday. They'd be great, aren't they? They would love this, the Hairy Bikers. Yeah.

They're really funny, they're great. Should we get them in, Hairy Bikers? Yeah, I'm up for everyone. This is better than being at home.

Yeah, it is, yeah. Should you try and get sort of really obscure guests on? Really weird like... We need Michael Lavelle, don't we? Yeah.

I want a porn star on I want Kevin Webster from Coronation Street I would love a Sophie Hudson no I want you're like the new Howard Stern aren't you

I would love to just I want to talk not even like someone a scouse porn star is there any scouse porn stars no

there must be I know there's scouse girls who are on the internet getting fucked no there's no scouse porn stars. I know one

and I used to babysit for their kids. Oh, did you? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even lying. I want to get her on. Oh, God.

And the kids. I've got such a story about that. That's a little teaser. Tune into the next episode of the Have A Word podcast. If you're a porn star, come and sit on our couch.

You're going to have to tell that story on a Patreon. I've got some questions. It's juicy. So your podcast is called That's A First with Maisie Adam on all good

podcast platforms social media at Tom Lucy Tom Lucy yeah Tom James Lucy on Instagram I couldn't get

Tom Lucy another company running around with your name yeah I've tried to get it off him but awesome

well thanks for supporting the podcast as always please go to patreon.com Slash have a weird pod And sign up

You get an extra episode every week You get early access To these public episodes And you also get Discounts on merch And advanced Stuff on live tickets Oh and the new merch

Is amazing Starts at three quid a month Go and do that now Keep supporting Thanks for listening Bye Felicia Bye Felicia