Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #102 with Tony Carroll - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be.

Have a word. and let's make a podcast i'm getting a dog and I'm going to call it Kobe. Oh. Not Hans. No. Not Mbembe. Hans is dead. I can't name someone who's dead. So is Kobe. Oh, yeah.

So is Kobe. You both bit. Oh, you pathetic. A weak pair of fucking idiots. It's so the form of this show, isn't it? Like, I said something wrong! Oh, fuck! They were fishing for it.

Irania. Yeah, Little Kobe the Cavapoo. Excuse me, what? Little Kobe the Cavapoo. It's time to cavapoo. Without a minipuck. So you're getting a cavapoo yeah rescue though obviously because that's the kind of guy you are rescuing it from a kennel that you give two grand for looking after it for a bit yeah oh yeah yeah that's an essential part of it's like a high-end rescue dog in it here's the thing right so i

tweeted yesterday here we go here's the ethics of buying high breed dogs go on i tweeted yesterday. Here we go. Here's the ethics of buying high breed dogs. Go on. I tweeted yesterday. Fuck it, I'm getting a puppy next week. And a couple of comments have messaged me, like from the lefty, oh, socially aware world that we work in, going, please rescue. Please do a rescue.

Don't be buying. Do a rescue. Have they met you? Yeah. Here's the thing. Hey. Hey. Like Adam's going into dog buying based on the pressure of his peers.

Hey, listen. Why did you get that one? Because I got tweets from some London comics. Listen to me, right? I would prefer to rescue. I really would. I think it's the right thing to do. And if there was a pedigree Cavapoo in the rescue centre,

I would. A young one, a baby one. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, I want a puppy. I don't want some secondhand 2009 dog. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

That's seen some shit. Like, I would rescue. Like, Minnie, my old dog, we rescued. Simba, my dad's dog, was a rescue. I would rather do it because you save some fucking money when you rescue one. I'm a good person, but fucking hell. No, I would.

Like, I'd rather rescue, but, like, at the minute, there's only, like, four, five, six-year-old dogs at the Dogs Trust in Liverpool. I don't want someone's second-hand dog. I want me fucking first-hand dog. Do you know what I mean? Right. You want to rescue a brand-new dog.

Yeah. I want to rescue a dog. I want one that, like, you know right you want to rescue a brand new dog yeah i want to rescue a dog i want one that like you know some kid got for christmas and then the mars gone it's fucking shitting everywhere send it to the pound what a cock a cocker what's called a cavapoo put it in danger before you buy it's a king charles cavalier crossed with a poodle oh king charles cavalier crossed with a poodle yeah yeah it's quite specific going into a rescue centre asking for that isn't it no that's a very well known breed

lad hey just put it in put the dog in danger before you buy it why because then you can say you've rescued it yeah

set fire to the kennel be one of them pricks near the side of the road with the dog like ahhh save your life rescue the dog yeah set fire to the kennel

yeah I would rescue but there's none available at the minute and it's my birthday on Monday when this episode goes out publicly it's my birthday so comments happy birthday in the comments if you love me or if you don't

but basically I'm getting myself I am needy we're in lockdown and I live alone I need a dog and I need compliments he's in my bubble Danny are you a dog and i need compliments okay he's in my bubble yeah are you a dog person fucking item do you know which that i was just calling back to the conversation we had before the podcast where carl went i ate people that ate dogs um yeah yeah i like dogs

do you like that i can't help it as soon as you say soon as you say, oh yeah, I like dogs. I like caravans more. I do. We've never owned one, but my dad's got dogs. Why didn't you get a cavapoo with me at the same time? I don't really think that's going to be the synchronicity that's going to happen. Why? Because I struggle to get a phone call out of the fucker. So can you imagine, like, hi dad have not spoken to you for a while.

No, no, no, no. But could you go down with Adam to a rescue? No, no, no, no, no, no. Not for him, for you. Right. Why don't me and him? In my head I was like, why do you want to get the same puppy as my dad and my stepmother?

Well, we were gone, weren't we? But it was my husband and all fucking, oh, I'm not paying that for the dog. Yeah, two grand's a lot. Yeah, but why don't you? It is. Why don't you get one with me? He's going to pay more for his dog than you are for but why don't you? It is. Why don't you get one with me? He's going to pay more for his dog than you are for your car.

That's the sad thing. Why don't you get a Cavapood, same time as me, brother and sister, and in a few years we'll make them fuck and we'll share the money, 70-30? Good. I like the split. That's actually good. Yeah? That's a good split for breeding dogs.

Someone... Yeah, but they're not really arse dogs. About what? Dogs love shagging their sister. All animals into breed. Cut that one off.

They don't call them rowey breeds. They don't. Never gonna end. They don't. Not all brothers and sisters love to fuck,

says a guy without a sister. Yeah, but all animals into breed though, except for... I have got a sister, I've just never met her. That's true. Have I never told you about this? Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Have I never told you about this? What the fuck? My dad's got a half-Shinese daughter. No. It's true. You mean this bullshit bell is not needed? Nope.

I shouldn't be saying this, but yeah. Do it! Literally, on behalf of all the people watching this. Yeah, me dad had a daughter who, like, he doesn't know. And Adam likes, Adam's got a fetish for Asian people as well. I haven't got a fetish for Asian people. That is offensive and racist to the equal measure. No, but you do like,

you're intrigued by Chinese culture. Yes. Salt and pepper chicken and that salt and pepper chicken. The triads. You've got to... I mean,

you could bang his sister and never know. Yeah. Right. Okay, good. I mean, that would be awkward, wouldn't it?

If you've never... It would be awkward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any half Chinese goes... I don't recognise your eyes no no like looking in a mirror

would be fucking awkward yeah it'd be really awkward oh dear that was such a specific joke and it worked so well

oh that's made my tits sweat right before we start talking about cover poos cock-a-boos and fucking That's made my tits sweat. Right. Right. Before we start talking about cover poos, cockaboos, and fucking two grand rescue dogs, you have... Serious?

No. Are you just... Are you just playing ball? He has... Is it half sisters? I don't know. Half sister? I've never really asked too many questions about it.

Half sister, half brother? on no no now i want to get the bullshit bell out i feel like carl you've you've you tell us some of the story dad went on holiday to beijing right that's that's that's where I'm at It isn't What? It isn't? I thought he met in like Liverpool No He went on holiday to Beijing Met this girl

She come back with him When? Like a few years before he met me Yeah She come back with him Went to Beijing in the 80s Do you think I think a lot of

East Liverpool South Liverpool Painter and decorators Were going to Beijing In Communist China In

In the 80s What a sitcom that is The unlikely lad I'm going to do some Fucking work mate In the cathedral In Beijing In the fucking wigwam.

He did, though. He went on an audience in Beijing. He met a girl. She wanted to go travelling. Taylor's oldest time. She wanted to go travelling. So she come back and started their travelling in the UK. Mr. Meek.

Mr. Meek. I want to see Narekri. She come back with him. To Dovey. Tell me, tell me, will we be able to visit Canal's Life? Must be somewhere in Spain.

Come on. I'm on the hook, sort of. She came back with him. It's really... She went travelling, but like, when she went travelling,

he got a letter saying, I'm pregnant, but you're never seeing the kids. I'm back to China I know that it's dead hard to find people in China yeah

there's loads of Chinese people China is one big game away as well yeah with just one half Scouse girl I know I'm a red but this is ridiculous up the red it goes down really well This is ridiculous. Up the net!

It goes down really well there. Ministry for the Interior. Right. Oh, God. All right. I can't buy it. Truth or lie? Truth or lie.

It was fine. But as soon as it was Mick Rowe going to Beijing in the 80s, I can't have it. All 100% true. Yeah, it's all true. That's not a lie. He's got a half Chinese sister. But you can't ring your dad now and be like,

Dad. No. No. He can never know until the episode. It's public. Yeah. He's banned from China. Really?

Yeah, he's got a thing on his passport, a stamp saying, Stop fucking old women. It says what? No women. No China. It says what? No China. No China. No China. It's two different stamps.

It's like no and then you pick where you're not allowed to go. No. Stay out of... How much of this podcast is just bullshit? That's all true. It's just mad. Of all the things that are actually true. Carl, don't look at him, look at me.

I'm looking at you. Carl. Yeah. His dad didn't go to Beijing in the 80s, did he? Now you looked. Come on. I don't know that bit, but I know he has a half Chinese sister.

And you've had no contact? That I know of. From Lil' Ro? She might have served him. What's she called? Do you know her name? Mei Lin. Mei Lin?

Yeah, her name is Ballot. Kobe. Kobe. Go on, do it. Chinese Kobe. Kobe. Go on, do it. Chinese Kobe. Kobe. Oh, no, that's Japanese Kobe. Kobe.

Kobe. Mr. Meek, Mr. Meek. We've got a problem. Get a dog, then. No dogs. No Irish. got a problem get a dog then no dogs no Irish no Chinese Chinese eat dogs don't they

don't bring around your new dog then famously was it Korean that have you seen that tweet from have you seen that tweet from the

Chinese Communist Party yeah all good yeah have you seen that tweet from the Chinese Communist Party? Yeah, all good. Have you seen it? Yeah, I have, yeah. I haven't. Do you actually not? So, basically, like, listen, I know we've done a bit of ethnic cleansing,

but they're happier. Come on. They were a bit muzzy, and we've had a chat, we've taken them away like a Chinese butlins, and now they're back And they're happy Why are they not seamless?

This is not even He's not even like Messing So it says Study shows that in the process Of eradicating extremism The minds of Is it erga?

How do you pronounce it? Erga Muslims No it's not It's erga Y-G-U-R Do you know it? I don't know why I looked at you I was just like You don't it's not It's U-Y-G-U-R Do you know it? I don't know why I looked at you I think it's the Uruk-hai

I think it's the Uruk-hai Okay No it's not The minds of erga Muslims No it doesn't even say Muslims Studies show That in the process of eradicating extremism The minds of erga women in Jingyang

Were emancipated And gender equality and reproductive health were promoted making them no longer baby making machines they are more confident and independent and that is from the verified chinese embassy in the us and it was liked by beyonce so that's nice isn't it all the women and abandoned was it really like by beyon? I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh, the single ladies. Oh, the single ladies. Where's your husband?

He's not coming home. So it's layman terms for that then? Basically, what they've said, because it's been sort of a not too well-kept secret that there's been, like, Muslim concentration camps. The Chinese and Nazis. Muslim concentration camps in China, but no one really talks about it because everyone's scared of China

because there's fucking loads of them. That's what we keep going back to. Yeah. So they've been ethnically cleansing Muslims. Like, they've been putting them in concentration camps and teaching them not to be Muslim. Like, torturing them until they no longer believe their religion. And they've essentially said,

we have been doing that. But look at the smile on her face. They're no longer baby making. Can we just find out what the pronunciation is? I feel like we need to know. For fuck's sake! I don't want to download a free audio book every fucking time right

we are looking at how to pronounce the name of this turkic speaking minority ethnic group originating from and culturally affiliated with the general region of central and east asia the Uyghur people Uyghur the what The Uyghur people Uyghur?

Whoa. The what? The Uyghurs. The Uyghurs. I don't think he's right. The Uyghurs. The Uyghur Muslims. Can be found in

student unions around Britain listening to hip-hop. For so many reasons here are more videos on how to pronounce O-R-E-G-O-S there's just 14 minutes in and there's been more problematic

stuff in this episode than all the others combined and that's saying quite a lot we were trying to learn then O-R-E-G-O-S can we just stop making that second third syllable O-R-E-G-O-S O-R-E-G-O-S what? Wiggers. Wiggers. Can we just stop making that second and third syllable? A wiggers. A wiggers what?

That's the line, isn't it? Right there. Wiggers. Oh, God. Uruk-hai. Oh, it's fucking awful. Horrible. Dadappia.

Oh, Jesus Christ it says why would they be tweeting that they're happier they're not going to lie about it you don't lie on Twitter

who would lie on Twitter from an official position within a government it's got a little flag on it and it says China government

accounts so you know that they're telling the truth it's the Chinese embassy in the US see the little flag oh yeah at Chinese yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Officially a China government's camp.

So, you know, how are Twitter not flagging that? Is Twitter terrified of China? Is Twitter a bit like, I know President Trump is inciting all sorts of hate and violence, but he's got 100 million followers. Have you seen what's happened? He's been indefinitely banned off Facebook and Instagram, and he's been suspended from Twitter.

And breathe in, breathe out, we'll get through this together. He's off Snapchat. Yeah, they've closed his Snapchat account. No more orange dick pics. No more little Donald. And he banned TikTok himself, didn't he? Yeah. He's not on TikTok.

He's back on Myspace now. Pixel. Myspace. Yeah. Donnie's where we? Donpixel.com. Break the boys. Break break the boys it's just him and mike pence oh dan you missed you missed the boys didn't you did you miss it as well we're in like that perfect middle ground of what pixel do you ever have a pixel account pixel you make your own website essentially but a free domain right and uh it

was like social media before social media so you had your own website, essentially, but a free domain. Right. And it was like social media before social media. So you had your own website. And each page, people would rate the boys. So it would be you and pictures of all your mates. Like, oh, he's fit, him. Yeah. Or rate the girls. Or you'd do like a versus, and there's like a little comment box.

So it'd be like a picture of me, a picture of you. And like a number one, number two. And then people would comment either one or two on who they fancied the most. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's what's been going on in schools for fucking years yeah they put it it's just putting it on yours was in the toilet yeah my picture was in the toilet yeah we can slide that in here you can put that picture and i'll send you in a bit were you at school with mobile phones

because that's how old i i am i got my phone i got my first phone in 98. Yeah. Well, I finished school in 97. Just. We had like D500 Samsungs. Blackberries. Blackberries. Flip-ups. Yeah. Motorola.

Yeah, the Motorola Flip. I used to play... Sorry, miss. I'm just busy getting all the puffy. What do you say, lad? I used to play Worms Armageddon in maths. Do you remember what your PIXO website was? URL.

No. I'm was rowies-webby.pixo.com Rowies-webby They don't call me rowie-webby It might be Oh please PIXO Is this pre-myspace by the way? Rowies-webby

Is this pre-myspace? Yeah How the fuck W-E-Y-S Yeah Hyphen W-E-B-B-Y It looks like PIXO doesn't exist anymore.

How have we got from ethnic cleansing in China to Rowe fucking Webby's on PIXO? PIXO is no longer the main. Back then they did call me Rowe Webby. Rowe Webby's. I had a couple as well. I shared a PIXO with my cousin as well.

Dolly? Adam and Danny. Adamanddanny.pixo.com did are we webby's I had a couple as well I shared a pixel with my cousin as well dolly adam and no danny adamanddanny.pixel.com adam and danny time to have a pixel with adam and danny

pictures of me and our danny in different parts of my bedroom solid you invented instagram did you have myspace dan yeah yeah does it still exist surely it doesn't oh please Solid. You invented Instagram. Did you have MySpace, Dan? Yeah. Yeah. Does it still exist?

Surely it doesn't. Oh, please. Surely MySpace isn't still a thing, is it? Is it still up? Yeah, Tom's still fucking banging shit out. Everyone's friend, Tom, from MySpace. I don't think it's a... Yeah, I did have a MySpace.

I think just every... That was what, 2005? 2004? MySpace is still a thing, but it doesn't... And then Facebook's... Facebook kicked off in what, 2006? 2007? Do you reckon we're going to get more or less downloads in China this week?

More. You reckon? You reckon they've got an algorithm checking it? Yeah, I'm not even sure you can, can you? Can what? Watch it in China. We can't. No, you can download it, though. You have like an algorithm checking it. Yeah, I'm not even sure you can, can you? Can what? Watch it in China. Well, you can't. No, you can download it, though.

You have Spotify in China? Yeah. I know you can't. Jesus Christ. You won't be able to have YouTube, will you? Consumed by Facebook. Let's not underestimate the amazing freedoms we have. I know we bitch and moan,

but there are people in the world living under that tyranny. I can't even fucking have a rave for my birthday. You can't fucking watch Have A Word. And there's billions of them. North Korea is mad. I'm so interested in North Korea. Yeah.

I did a bit of crowd work. Adam's dad actually went to North Korea. No, Beijing. Oh, sorry. I thought he did a little mini tour. No, no, he went to Beijing, come back. Got himself a missus, checked out. Is that what he did it for?

What? He went over there to find a lady to find love anyway North Korea there's a dating show back in the 80s was it yeah

yeah find a Chinese bride North Korea is incredible have you ever seen the American students

who got turned into a cabbage yeah that's a pretty sad story fucking hell you can do like these mad trips where like Chernobyl American students who got turned into a cabbage. Yeah, that's a pretty sad story. Fucking hell. You can do like these mad trips where, like Chernobyl, you can pay to go as a group.

Yeah. I've seen them. One of them is go to North Korea. Is it? Yeah, yeah. I thought you weren't allowed to... No, no. So you've also got to have a guide with you. There's like all these mad rules.

It's a very restrictive tourist visa. Yeah, totally. No phones allowed allowed no cameras whatsoever i could sneak one in though they do really healthy um his name is i can't remember his name was if you're youtuber you'll find that easy but he takes it um he takes a picture off the wall a poster of the supreme leader in the hotel as like a um a memento as a memento of the trip got caught on CCTV got arrested got sentenced to a lifetime of hard labour in North Korean camps and I think it was Obama

fought for him to come home he was there for like six months fought for him to come home and when they got him home on the plane he was he died two days later he was just a cabbage in a in a wheelchair

he just like this is the comedy podcast have a word it's interesting as fuck if that's happening in North Korea and that's happening in China and obviously there's other places over there you don't know what's going on why are you so bothered about Russia?

they seem quite sound yeah they're dead sound there's nothing going on in Russia dead sound you don't hear about it great government great you don't hear about it when they poison people in this country yeah but he he brought that on himself a bit though didn't he yeah yeah you're right whatever his name was the bald fella didn't he ozzy they all end up looking like that. The first one was Litvinenko, wasn't it?

Was it, yeah? Yeah. It's just mental, isn't it? Absolutely mental. I don't, it's not on him,

it's not on him with the North Korea visit. No. But it's a fucking risky trip, isn't it? And people want to do that sort of, that's not tourism,

that's travelling and that's, I want to go to but how are they allowed to function it's just horrific could you not just wear like a little sneaky gopro like in a flower or something yeah they'd be sound about that they don't check they don't check would you rather right so imagine i don't know whether we've done something similar to this actually but let's say you you get done for a murder right and you've got to go on the run so you've got a fake passport under someone else's name right yeah and you two options of russia or china you have post pose this one but it was so far back i think you

asked me this question in about 1998 on this podcast so it's fine i think russia china or Russia, China or North Korea? Where are you going? I've just had a mate live in China In Beijing I've got friends in China No I've got family See Beijing's a bit different isn't it Because it's very westernised I think they're in Shanghai

Again it's the biggest city in China But it's really Yeah But it's really modern bits Little woe-y bags is over there Woe-y bags Good God Have we spoken about the world breaking

And not spoken about what happened in Washington Two days ago I go Shanghai I go China I go Shanghai Fuck yeah Fucking hate Russia Have we spoken about the world breaking and not spoken about what happened in Washington? What happened in Washington? I go Shanghai. I go China. I go Shanghai. What do you hear? Fucking hate Russia.

North Korea? 20, triple 20, double 20. Nah, I'm alright. That doesn't sound good, does it? Depends how hard you are, though, innit? You send me a fucking... You send me a dodgy WhatsApp and all of a sudden I'm coming like a vegetable. Oh, WhatsApp's encrypted.

Right. They wouldn't see that. Nah, I'd probably fuck it up and come back. I'd go North Korea, me, and try and sort of, like, be the first white person who ever become Supreme Leader. Yeah.

Dennis Rodman's best mate with the Supreme Leaders, isn't he? You'd go North Korea. Try and infiltrate them. You, Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-un. You'd be a good laugh. What a film that'll be What a sitcom Dennis Rodman

Teached me how to play basketball And they're all Notoriously smaller over there So I'd probably make The Olympic team Yeah yeah But Kim Jong-un Would win every game

He wouldn't I mean he wouldn't But according to North Korean state television, our supreme leader beat Rowie Baggs and Dennis Rodman. I don't mind him lying, though.

27-0. So that people respect him. Do you know what I mean? I get it. But I don't know. Like, it'd be all over the news and I'd just be like sat there looking at him like,

we know, lad. You got dunked on. Yeah. Yeah. You're really good at keeping that stuff to yourself, aren't you? Like, I'd just be content knowing what I know. Don't you think if you dunked on him,. Yeah. You're really good at keeping that stuff to yourself, aren't you? Like, I'd just be content knowing what I know.

Don't you think if you dunked on him, he'd just kill you? No. I've got stuff on him, haven't I? What? Incriminating photographs from your little flower camera. Eh? Got your dick out of the air, didn't you? Incriminating?

Dunking donuts. What? Incriminating? What are you going to give them to? South Korea. What are they going to do? Don't know. I'm not saying I've fought it all the way through.

What about Washington though? We haven't spoken about Washington. I am. Good producing there, Karl. Yeah. I felt for Jilly Bean as she tried to invoke the 25th Amendment on Twitter. What is the 25th Amendment? It just means you can get rid of the president because they're unfit to rule

oh yeah they're not going to do that now are they oh it looks good they are i don't know nah they're gonna wait now because he did that video last night didn't he saying like uh he's gonna commit to a peaceful transition of power now good on him though isn't it good now do you know what? He shits himself. I had a bit of respect for Donald Trump when he was causing murder

because I get that. You know what I mean? He's lost his election. He's like, I'm fucking nearly dead anyway so I might as well just cause absolute fucking murder. Let's just fuck.

Yeah, go. Cause a fucking riot. Let's have a scrap. And I thought, do you know what? At least he's going out with his household guns blazing

and then the limp, dicked fucker went on twitter and was like i want my account back it's the most grotesque human being to hold office serious office like you know when all those things are like he's set a new standard for politicians lying because that's the sort of old thing about politicians are politicians lie you're like this guy has so little grip of what's right and what's wrong and what's truth and what's lie. He started sowing the seeds of all these problems before the election because he saw the polls and went, well, this is rigged, this is rigged. And he's fought and he's fought and he's fought

with no consequence of people's lives and also democracy in America. And how they treated Black Lives Matter compared to how they treated this insurrection the also democracy in America, and how they treated Black Lives Matter compared to how they treated this insurrection the other day in Washington. The fucking double standards. Imagine if... Like, literally, in Portland, they're fucking using force

to reclaim the Capitol building, the state building. And then in Washington, they're like, oh, God, God, they got in? How did that happen oh quickly, put this wardrobe there, stay back, like how the fuck did that happen, that's top down, someone's gone, just leave it, see what they do

don't, where were the military it's a fucking disgrace what he's got away with and the only argument for not invoking the 25th amendment would to be just let him, he's now neutralised, he has no power, he can do nothing in two weeks. Mike Pence and Congress, Senate, it's all Democrat now

and I don't know if that works out because the Senate's just been won for the Democrats, hasn't it, essentially, but he's neutralised. So just let him fade. If you invoke the 25th Amendment, do you just, like, rile up all the trump supporters even more so just let this absolute fucking horrific period of america's history just disappear like instead of going right that's it you're not president anymore does that just fucking

stoke the flames even more just let him quietly fuck off into ignominy like and he's free for me whatever yeah and he's up for podcast imagine what it's like being is it millennia's wife yeah like she's off head i mean she imagine going to bed with him imagine like she's she's off yeah before before before he got into office no but i mean they re-signed the prenup didn't they they re-signed the prenup she hassle um haggled for a pre a re-signed prenup to, didn't they? They re-signed the prenup. She haggled for a re-signed prenup to be like, I will stick for four fucking years, but she got more money. Yeah.

I swear to God, after the 20th of January, the time is ticking on her going, fuck you, you horrible cunt. When do you reckon was the last time she sucked his dick? Pre-Oval Office. You reckon? I don't think she's gone next-Oval Office. You reckon? I don't think she's gone next to Lil' Bill. I reckon if I'm him

and he's writing prenups you get more money. He's like, I want one blowy in the Oval Office. With Rudy Giuliani sweating hair dye like, yes, don't forget that down for you. You can't hold office and not get smoked in the Oval Office. get smoked in the Oval Office. Get smoked in the Oval Office.

Come on! What's the point of being president if you don't get to have a little bang in there? I don't think you're ever in there alone, really. We're secret service. He's a potus who's about to... No, but outside. Yeah?

Yeah, so you stay outside there and I'm getting smoked? There's no way that any president has ever gone through a full term and not got fucking chonged in the office. But I think we're talking

about Melania. I think she may like get someone else to do it, mate. There's no way. He has ladies coming in to service them needs. There's no way

she does that for him. Oh, God. I would not want to watch that. Oh, it's the best. Imagine how much they get paid, though. Oh, he's such a fucking horror show. He's the worst person on the planet. He's literally the worst human being on the planet.

He's worse than Putin. Do you reckon? Do you reckon? I don't know. It's all just a fucking hellhole of scumbags in it. Where'd you get there? I don't know. It's all just a fucking hellhole of scumbags in it. Can I shave his bum? Where did you get there? I don't know.

Just intrigued? I'm trying to get this political conversation back on. Comedy? On brand. Oh, yeah, okay. What do you reckon he has for breakfast? Do you reckon he has Cocoa Pops? Therefore it's Cocoa Pops, doesn't he?

Because he's a fucking child. He's addicted to diet pills, apparently, isn't he? He's a fat cunt as well. And speed, do you reckon? And maybe a bit of... What's the limitless pill? Modafinil. Yeah, but it's got another name.

Modafinil, the one that makes... Adderall. Adderall, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he likes an Adderall because he's always like... Would you try an Adderall? Be tempted, just to see if, you know, it would give me superpowers or something. Would you try Ritalin? No, that's for ADHD, isn't it?

Would you try it for like a course of 20 years? If I got a prescription. No, but Adderall's meant to make you like super focused in it. But I know a comic who at some point will be on here. I won't name him in case he doesn't want anyone to know. But he takes it. And when he's on it he's so like I'm doing this this

and he gets everything done and when he's comparing on it he's fucking flawless and when he has the day where he crashes he's one of the worst comics I've ever seen in my life oh my

god not knowing this information is causing me actual pain yeah it's like it's he's so like, Northern? No. I think I know what it is. I don't think you do.

Really? Yeah. I doubt it. That limitless pill. Yeah. That'd be amazing. And it's just to unload. Well, it's like,

I know people who did modafinil in uni to do their essays. Is modafinil a type of Adderall? It's a type of... It's a narcolepsy drug. But what the side effect is... I've tried it. The side effect is that it makes you more attentive and keeps you, in theory, focused without being speedy,

which is pretty similar to Adderall. But, I mean, these things will have a detrimental effect, won't they? And also, like you say, unless you're going to take them forever you're like hi I'm high functioning next day like just a bag of Cheetos like yeah and also what are you doing with that hyper focus

are you just like watching more episodes of How I Met Your Mother I just feel like are you going to use it or are you like i struggle with focus don't i so it's meant to like make you focus so like when i've got like me taxes hands there although my accountant does it like but i've still got to go for me fucking bank account and be like this this this and this and whatever like that would be useful yeah you use for that when i'm writing an edinburgh show when i instead of getting to the last week of july and

being like i've only got 40 minutes yeah problem with that is you're gonna write in about 2 hours and 40 minutes aren't you how's your Edinburgh show yeah pretty good

I've cut it down to a day and a half my Edinburgh show whenever I get to the festival is always like 50 minutes ish and then by the end of it I'm over running

doing like an hour and 10 yeah because you pad it out lose the shit but yeah I would take it but like maybe when I've got some stuff to do like clean the couch or something and then by the end of it I'm over and under in like an hour and ten. Yeah, because you pad it out, lose the shit. But yeah, I would take it but like maybe when I've got some stuff to do like clean the couch or something. We should take it

just on an episode to see what happens. Yeah. Just see... Just be really serious. See what the results are. Really actually... Hi guys, welcome to

Have a Word Podcast. We're going to solve your problems today. How many have a words have they done in this section? 14. Saw your shit out. Get modafinil. Get some Adderall.

Come on. So yeah, I'm getting a dog. Yeah. I'm going to call it Kobe. Now you've got a sister. It's been a busy fucking new year, hasn't it? Yeah. Considering we're in a lockdown.

How do you do a dog in a lockdown? What do you mean? Well, they're still open. Because like, obviously it's essential. considering a lockdown how do you do a dog in a lockdown what do you mean well they're still open because like obviously it's essential because it's essential

otherwise dogs are going to waste why is there a sell by date no but like there'd just be too many dogs in the kennels wouldn't there right and then they get too old

and then no one up on time or a month or two older yeah right but it could be see you think it's going to be a month or two we could be here for years dad you've changed your fucking tune recently i want me dog honestly a week and a half ago he's like yeah probably be in tier two by february the by january the 16th yeah right well good luck and what are you naming the dog have you got an

are you really calling him kobe yeah it Kobe? Yeah. It's a good name. It's a good name for a dog. It's kind of good, yeah. Kobe. Kobe! Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!

Kobe! And when you throw him... I still think... Hey. What? You're not throwing a two grand dog, are you? If I ever get a dog, I want a... I want a used fucking...

I want that sort of like... Thank you. Like that PTSD thing of like... Thank you so much. Scarlett, is it Scarlett Dobson? I forget her surname because her name on Facebook is something else, but she messaged me like, you need to adopt. And then she sent me one and I was like,

I haven't got the time for that one. It's like a really big one that needs hours and hours of exercise every day. I was like, I was like, I've got the time now, but like when I go away, I can't leave that with my dad. You don't want a big dog

that shits like a heroin addict. Halfway through the park, it's having a prolapse. Like, fuck! No, mate, you want a nice,

brand new cockapoo that does little fucking, Carver poo. Whatever, fancy poo yeah gay dog you want a nice new gay dog

but then she said to me have you considered getting a disabled one because they're always really grateful fucking hell no I don't want a dog in a wheelchair

does she date like that maybe get a disabled one who's your new partner I'm not sure his name he can't pronounce it but he is so grateful to be here. Rob Mulholland suggested a load of...

We love it that we just talked about disabled boyfriend. Rob Mulholland. He suggested a load of names, and Elliot Steele, he gave odds on Eshan Achbach, Rowie Barks, and stuff like that. Rowie Barks was good.

And Elliot Steele said, I want odds on Thatcher. And Elliot Steele said, I want odds on Thatcher. And I was like, that's actually quite a good name for a bitch who's going to be shitting all over the council estate. Zing! Let's have a bleak.

Oh, before we go for a break, can I just tell you about my new YouTube show? YouTube show? Say it right, Don. Show me the sample. I've launched it. He's shitting on us!

He's having an affair affair I really felt bad launching another thing I was like oh guys I'm launching another thing it's called show me the sample it's me

my DJ friend DJ Felix Leiter and he plays me a track and I know nothing about it and he tells me about the samples in it it's out every Thursday check it out on YouTube

show me the sample thank you I also want to give a quick shout-out to a lad. He's a patron of ours and has been from the start. An OG. His name's Kiefer. And he's recently started a sweet business. Not like a couch sweet, as in like sweetie sweets.

And he does like these big pizza boxes full of sweets. He dropped me one off. He dropped Carl one off. Dan's getting one this week. On Instagram, they are high underscore life underscore confectionery uh go and check them out because the box i got was delicious fire and when i'm hungover on sunday i'm gonna be making me wait for a bit i love this podcast and i love the many sort of roads we travel to get to the same point. But to start off with, I'm getting a dog, to get to all the places we got to,

including, you know, genocide, ethnic cleansing, the fucking uproar in Washington, to end on, back on dogs, and also a shout out for a sweet shop, is pretty fucking incredible.

Sounds like good production to me. Yeah. Ooh, I like it. Let's have a little uh prods for nothing prod your ma that that that that's a bit felt like such a zinger it felt like it felt like we do one of the american late night like you were saying yourself and that's a line no but I could be friends with King Jungle. Right, see you in a bit.

Alright lads, hope you're enjoying today's episode. We are thrilled to announce that we are working with bettinggods.com. They're going to be sponsoring the podcast. If you enjoy online betting, get over to bettinggods.com and you can get some great odds on all sorts of sports horse racing footy they do cricket tennis and golf but this is the big one you can get odds on hockey so i know everyone that watches have a word is a massive hockey fan get some online odds for hockey at bettinggods.com in all seriousness we're really chuffed to be working with them go and have a look bettinggods.com back to the episode send in your questions and suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com let's crack on with this

nonsense oh we're back and we are back welcome back to part two of four of the have a podcast this week's guest is the incomparable tony carroll we'll get to him in a bit but for now it's just us two cunts so far this episode we've touched on genocide um the American amendments thing. Dogs. The wheels are coming off this. Dogs. The American amendment, you know, the people shooting and the... North Korea, my family tree.

And now we've got some questions. We've got a question about something from someone, haven't we, Dan? That is too much of a setup, isn't it? And, Danny, are you going to say that using your voice and breathing and noises from your mouth? If you could do that now. Mark Woodward says, Ey up, Carl, Dan or Finn.

Okay, good. Not trying. Woke up this morning and realised I'm 30 next year. Was a bit shook. Does Adam realise that yet? Wonder how he feels about that. Lol. Ey, Woodward's up on the band well would he

i uh yeah so the day this goes i have turned 29 by the time this goes i was muscle tough um and i looked into the rules around lockdowns and you can still have uh a gathering for a funeral so i'm having a funeral for my 20s. Like it. You're still 20s? You're still in your 20s? Yeah, but for the start of the end of my 20s. Oh, so you're having a funeral for the start of the end of your 20s. Good save. I don't think that's the most...

I don't think that's the biggest issue. No, no, no, no. He's having a wedding for the first part of his life and the next year of it. 28 plus 1. And that's a wedding. And that's how many people are allowed in that adam i'll get ordained and i'll just mad i'll just marry someone i think off oh my god let's actually do that you can marry dolly and luther already

engaged get your suit i'll get ordained i'd please get ordained you can get it on the internet go to i want to be ordained.com Right we need Very very quickly We need two have a word listeners That are thinking about getting married And you need to shuffle that forward And do it Adam's gaff

Yeah you can The universal life church Free online ordination I'd please do it I'm gonna get ordained right now Yeah please do Put it on the expenses Can't have him paying for his own ordaining

Can we? Come on Do we use my real name though? Yeah you've gotta do it Otherwise Carl you're just a fake priest You stand at a lectern of lies Yeah you get ordained See if they'll let you do Sensei Carl. I will.

No! You've got to do it properly. If the busies turn up at my party, that isn't happening. Yeah. Can you prove you're ordained? I don't have the printout, but I've got the email. You don't want to train when you're trying to get your booking thing. I've got my email. You don't want to train when you're trying to get your booking thing on.

I've got my email. There you go. Proper. Father Carl. I'm currently being ordained, yeah. What would you be referred to as? Vicar Carl. Doc.

I'm ordained. Lads, you've not even put your fucking postcode in. You've not even put your postcode in. Can you see that on there? No. Really? How can that be possible? It's my Air Force certificate.

That took 14 seconds. Go back. It's utter bullshit. I'm an ordained... What's the church? The Universal Life Church. The Universal Life Church. I'm ordained What's the church? The universal life church The universal life church I'm ordained

I'm an ordained minister Please tweet that From like the halfway Like I'm saying Carl can now host You're getting married I said Oh my god Go up and get your suit

Oh yeah I tried to do it And I did Northern Irish Go on You're getting married I said Get your suit Get up and get your suit Oh yeah I tried to do it and I did Northern Irish go on you're getting married I said get your suit get up and get your suit

oh you did Northern Irish he's Northern Irish shout out to Darren Conway he's from Dublin oh sorry yeah go on and get your suit oh it's Northern Irish I love Darren Conway

I forgot I'm a fucking get up and get your suit on I'm just gonna do John Lenn it's only the lads if anyone doesn't know what we're talking about, go and check out Darren Conway and his wedding script. We're having a wedding.

Yeah, well, I'm ordained, so message me if you want to get fucking... I can legally do it in the States as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they'll let you in to do that, won't they? Yeah. I mean, they've shut the borders, but fucking hell, you're an ordained priest. I'm a minister now. So am I the sensei Carl or minister Carl?

Father Carl. Father Carl. Father, come on. It's Father Carl. No, I want to be Daddy Carl. Papa Carl. No, no. How fucking...

Mate, by the way, if you're in the Catholic Church and you're training to be ordained as a priest, and you say, I don't actually want to be called Father Carl, I want to be called Daddy Carl, that's a red flag. I mean, they're only really going to notice that red flag in the last few years, but... Grandmaster? No. No, it's got to be called Daddy Carl That's a red flag I mean they're only Really going to notice That red flag

In the last few years But for a lot of like No No it's got to be religious Papa Carl You're not in a hip hop Fucking troupe In the name of the Papa

The kid And the Holy Ghost What's No you've got to be Father Carl No Papa Carl But he sounds like a smurf Either way

I've got legal documentation here And I can marry you sweet if you used on packing i'm out of use that'd be big of me and annoying um i don't think laura will let a lot slide you know i even we were just talking about in the break i i uh we put a clip out from a Patreon episode a few weeks ago where you say you want a gang bang where everyone's like

what's your fantasy and Adam's like like a tennis outfit and I'm like gang bangs and I my five month pregnant wife watching it went yeah it's good

yeah she's sound I don't think she's gonna put up with Carl marrying us why? I think that's the line why?

I think that would be the line and even on a lockdown lock-in? Oh, yeah, fuck. It's a lockdown lock-in, isn't it? Yeah, we'll just get it annulled a few days later. I can do that. Father Carl. Are you ready to move on from Sensei Carl,

or are you attached to him? I mean, I'm always going to be the Sensei, but, I mean, you can hide... I think we should go into a new era of you being Father Carl. But I hate Catholicism. Can you take confession? Papa Carl? Yeah, like Big Papa.

I'll take Papa Carl. I love it when they call me Big Papa. Once again, it is a bit of a red flag, though, if you go into a place of worship and it's like, call me Papa. Can I go in the church now? Yeah, they never shag kids there, do they? Can I go in the church now and just do shit?

That's so subtle. That's so subtle so subtle can I go and use their printer and stuff who the church the church of universal no can I go into

a church and I'm going no no you're not ordained in their church yeah they have different

like you have to pass a test I don't know if you've heard but religions can get a little bit territorial I don't know if you know that about

certain religions, as in all of them, apart from like... The Catholic ones have like a test. You have to do an exam. You have to know all the words to the hymns and that. Like in Belfast, that's caused a lot of problems in the past with Protestant and Catholic priests trying to use each other's printers. They're not like each other?

Oh, mate, they're really fuming. We're having a march. Can we just print out some leaflets? I don't know, it's a fucking church. You have to recite the Bible backwards. What? To be a Catholic. As in, say the words backwards?

Yeah. And backwards. Whoa. Wow. I felt like you were being racist towards your sister there. Oh, that's worse than me fucking mispronouncing the Uruk-hai. No, I was just saying, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. So you're alright about being 30? You're alright about being 30? Yeah, I think I'm going to suit being 30 more than my 20s I'm quite mature yeah how about you

Carl because you're the same age aren't you when are you 29 February end of February god I'm last

like I'm the biggest kid ever so I'm not going to stop just because of number changes and my 30s I feel like I'm going to be better than my 20s. I spent most of my 20s literally, like,

borrowing bus fare to get to gigs, and now I pay for my own petrol. I thought you were going to do a joke. I pay for my own petrol and council tax. Yeah, I'm an arse thing. I'm off pay as you go! Fuck you! What? Like, so...

We're going to be successful 30-year-olds as well, so it makes a difference, doesn't you what like so we're gonna be successful 30 and old as well so it makes a difference doesn't it like we're gonna have a good 30 in my 20s I just had fun

I did comedy throughout just had fun fucked about in my 30s that turned into meeting someone settling down and that's all

boxed off now I'm 40 in two months and that's where we get rich I wanna have six children by the time I'm 40 and then I'm really going down we get rich I want to have six children by the time I'm 40 and then I'm really going down the gears

in my 50s oh yeah gonna be wealthy probably divorced when she's watched too many stupid fucking videos when I talk about gangbangs

yeah like I think I'm gonna settle down in my 30s I'd like to think so yep yep just try not to settle down before then eh

um hiya lids this seems a tough one to phrase into an obvious question as no regrets is the easy answer when thinking about what you've done so far but what i want to ask is if you started your comedy career today with all the knowledge of your successes and failures what would your comedy roadmap look like are there people or gigs that you'd avoid is there a gig you'd say no to, that you have said yes to?

Is there stuff you would have done differently? Did you burn material by doing Edinburgh Too Soon? I always love your comedy insights and hope you can give light to what you may have done differently and how that have changed where you are now. Cheers. That's from Dan Johnson. Dan,

you've sent some fucking great questions. So if you could go back to the start, is that 2010? I sort of misquoted the timescale on that. Sunday the 27th of June, 2010. February the 8th, 2002. You always remember your comedy birthday, don't you? I remember it as well

because England were knocked out by Germany of the World Cup and Lampard scored a goal that was about three yards over the line, but they just allowed it. A sad day, but a happy day. What would you have done differently?

You can have a little... See, it's very hard to say I'd do anything differently, because things have gone sort of okay for someone a decade in, um,

who, yeah, you've been on television several times and you've got one of the biggest podcasts in UK comedy. Yeah. Managed to do a few tours, you know, got to open for my absolute fucking,

um, my goat, my, my comedy hero. If you feel like I have a better term, you've got one of your heroes to open for you? Yeah, Freddie Quinn. Jar!

Upset me! Not the bitch! It's hard to say I do anything different. I tell you what I would do differently, probably. But then, I struggle with questions like this, because I'm a big believer and obsessed with the butterfly effect. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So if I did this thing differently, then maybe all of those things wouldn't have happened, and I can't pull myself away from thinking like that. No, it's quite a sensible way of looking at it. away from thinking like that. No, it's quite a sensible way of looking at it. However, the story of my mum's death that I did in my debut Edinburgh show

because I had the idea of, you've got to use that for your debut. It's a big story. You only get a chance to win Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival once. I sort of thought that that's what I wanted. I think I would save that until I was a better, more skilled comic, put it this way

I don't think the show I did in my debut year was very good, I think I could do that story very well now I think if you spoke to every comic in the UK that's been going a certain amount of time and done an Edinburgh show I think one of the things they'd change is when they did their first

Edinburgh show I wouldn't change that I did it then but I wouldn't do that story I should have waited on that it's a very good story you'd be able to use it I did mine in 2008 after 6 years I wish I'd waited another 4

so much because it was just, I was doing, my stand-up was fine. Did you say you did it after six years? It was all right. Yeah. Which is a normal time to do it. It's not, like I did a job,

but I look back and I was just doing okay circuit comedy and the reviews and the general response was, yeah, it was okay. It's pretty good. It's all right. Yeah. If I'd have waited another four or five years with the show I took up in 2012,

could have actually made some waves. But by then, everyone's like, oh, yeah, been around. Yeah, if I'd done... I'd have started this early. That's what I'd done. I've had this thought several times recently. You can't... It's easy to do this,

but imagine if I'd have got this kit together when I had expendable income. This is different for you, because in 2010 you were starting out. In 2010, I earned really well from stand-up. Like, I was doing well. I was fucking around and drinking too much. I could have got some of this kit

and should have started some of this. Back in the day when podcasting was like, there's five podcasts now like ed gamble and ray peacock peacock and gamble did fucking numbers yeah there's just nothing else about yeah i wish i'd got on that earlier imagine i thought about this as well how could we have done it earlier because we couldn't have worked together like we do now more than two years ago i don't know no i've thought about this quite a lot because it's very easy to go fucking hell why don't we start that sooner but it just never would have worked the way it did and the only

reason this has been successful is because like we've worked our asses off for a full year now this is our birthday episode, by the way. Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, like our first birthday is the 10th of January. Marry us. I think it's right, actually. Yeah. So a full year we've done this now. And we've worked our arses off.

We've gambled at the right time by getting this place and bringing Carl in and then bringing Finn in, like to sort of get things rolling and get the clips out and whatever. But we've also got Lucky and we've mentioned this sort of privately that it's sort of a bit sort of weird to say, but the pandemic has helped us a bit because when the lockdown hit and we went all in

and we're like, we'll do it every day and we'll keep these people entertained and it gave us this relationship with our listeners that I don't think we would have got otherwise and the relationship between me and you being sort of friends but not good friends yet and now we're really close and whatever

that's all happened at a very very specific perfect time and if we'd have tried to do this three or four years ago this podcast wouldn't be the enormous pile of bullshit brilliant bullshit that it is. Also, it's about where you are in comedy as well. If we'd have started this before you'd done the miles that you'd done,

like if we'd say that we started in 2015 when I started my very first podcast, started in 2014, and I did 83 episodes, and literally we get the views, total views that my first podcast got in the first eight minutes of putting it on patreon and that's what literally 330 views or downloads we do that when we press publish um you'd have been a comic on the way up and like coming through the support

ranks and everything. I was a headliner that would have changed the relationship. You were younger. Yeah. And we came into this as two headliners to the point where you were doing tours. You'd gone past me in the, the,

the pecking order, but that wouldn't have been right either. That would have been a, it would have been me. It would have been me doing you a favor. Yeah which is what is happening on other podcasts and i understand it i'm not knocking it at all but we've benefited from going well no way it's like yeah yeah yeah the comment is equal but i wish i i look back and go fuck me if you did just put some money into cameras and everything and work this out.

Hindsight's 20-20. Yeah. It's a good question, though, Dan, and I really like... Dan Johnson is a Hall of Famer for the amount of stuff he's thrown away. We get more questions from him than anyone. He sends even more in than even Harry does. Yeah, it's superb, man. Would you rather from Dan Pugh, who's another Hall of Famer, Ahmed, Darnell, Carlito, and Phineas,

would you rather have the power to instantly fall asleep whenever you want, so no late-night insomnia, that's a thing of the past, or have instant food, so breakfast, dinner, or tea, when you want it. You can just click your fingers, it's there. You don't get like pizza gourmet food you get what you would have had anyway

but you don't ever have to cook you just get to go bang that's my breakfast it's absolutely a piece of piss this question sleep

well I can do that anyway so food for me he you oh sorry I thought you said he had insomnia

no no you can just sleep anywhere I stayed in his once this was years ago I'd had murder with my dad so I was like can I just come and stay in yours and he had no spare bed

so I stayed in the bed with him we were watching the telly and he went should we turn it off because we're getting up early in the morning aren't we and I went yeah and literally

he hit his head at the pillow and then I went hey Carl and he was snoring I can sleep in 10 to 15 seconds. My girlfriend hates it. That's literally like... That's...

That's almost worrying, isn't it? That if you were driving and you went... No, I have to choose. Like narcolepsy. I've taught myself how to do it. Narcolepsy? Yeah, yeah. I've taught myself how to do it.

I nearly thought it was necrophilia. I just closed my eyes. I'm fucking a dead body. It's like lucid dreaming, isn't it? You have to teach yourself how to do it. I've taught myself how to sleep. Where's the best places you've slept? Because I need, I'm a, like, he's called me a fussy sleeper.

I'm earplugs and... Oh, no, I could sleep on the motorway. Noise, sound, like, because I shared the bedroom with my older brother when I was little. And he was, like, listening to music or snoring, so I had to just learn to... Or smash and puss. He wasn't doing that.

But basically, I can sleep anywhere under any circumstance. He might have been and I might have fucking repressed him. What's that song? He watches this. I know he does, yeah. That's why repressed it. What's that song? He watches this. I know he does, yeah. That's why I said it. Shout out to our Paul. But yeah, I can sleep.

So, the food on for me, because I can just sleep whenever I want. No, the sleep for me, like I had a fucking awful sleep last night. You just can't get comfy. And I'm dead conscious of my arms. Because it might pop out. Yeah. Not just like, oh. Like of my arms because it might pop out yeah

not just like oh like yeah because it might he's just had an edible amazing just her like

do things like I struggle to sleep when you come in and you've had a bad night's sleep yeah like you wear it like am I wearing it today

no no no no no no sorry sorry like there's been times when you've come in grumpy as fuck and uh especially when your anxiety was up with the end of the lockdown which isn't like that's not you on your own a lot of people were suffering that we got on those um zoom meetings and i could tell early on i was like okay yeah and then you were like yeah i've not slept well let well, let's, come on, I can do this. And we did it. Yeah. Most days it was perfect.

I, I, I'm in a really good mood today, and I was yesterday as well. You've been on a great, you've been ungrateful. Yeah. Recently.

Um. But not sleeping. Yeah. Last night. Is a, is killer. I think you're looking at me like that. What?

Last night. It's your little green. I'm looking at the poster behind you. Shut up. Um. Driven of, yeah, I just you shut up I just couldn't sleep I couldn't get comfy did you pull your pod

no what didn't have to if you if you rang what you just have to literally medically

a nurse what is it was it one two what's the a wet nurse not a wet nurse what's the phone line you ring for health I'm thinking like one one two What's the A wet nurse Not a wet nurse What's the phone line You ring for health

I'm thinking like One one two Oh yeah As in not nine nine nine Not nine nine nine Beats me to a nurse She'd literally be like Medically pull your pud

She'd give you a prescription For a wank No it wasn't that I didn't need to pull my pud Right I just couldn't get comfy I just like Just couldn't

Yeah Ended up like spooning two pillows Oh you need a pregnancy pillow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've got one. Like an L-shape one. I had one of them from Ikea.

Huge fucking thing. Oh, I need to order one of them. In fact, I might do it. No, I can't do it now, can I? It's not professional. Online shop and Jordan partner. I tell you, if you've ever got wrecked in your life and gone clubbing, the first one would be a wonderful superpower.

Because as you stop feeling good and it clubbing, the first one is, would be a wonderful superpower. Because as you start, stop feeling good and it's six in the morning and everyone's gone home and you're back in your bed and your heart's, you're like, everything about your body's like,

it's definitely time for bed apart from your heart that's like, and then in that, that can take three hours to get to sleep. The amount of weird thoughts you have. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That sort of. I to get to sleep. The amount of weird thoughts you have. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. That sort of... I've turned to Jesus. I've stopped eating carbs. I'm like, change, Dan! Change, what are you doing? Because I've just been lying there for two hours. I can't have another one.

All right! Run out of moisturiser. It's a fucking nightmare. Moisturiser? Yeah, whatever I'm using to pull my pud do you not have a dry one I change it up moisturiser

that's common is it I don't but it's common yeah oh mate treat little Vinny to a little

honestly moisturiser I just grab it and make it angry honestly I just I just go for it. Yeah, so do I sometimes.

But sometimes, yeah. I've used baby oil before. What? Don't you, like, slip off the end? I've used baby oil and you do do that. I don't know if you know. You need purchase, don't you? Are we literally going to have a conversation about how to have a wank?

Like, oh, I just can't keep on to it like it's a fucking eel teachers a moist one right well on the lockdown locking that's coming up i'll uh baby oil is a good one but it does get it all slippy baby oil is not great it's very like it's it makes a mess oh yeah millennium lube's a bit more of a pro's choice i've got a bottle of that i've never opened it you know when we first spoke about Millennium Lube's a bit more of a pro's choice. I've got a bottle of that and I've never opened it. You know, when we first spoke about Millennium Lube, like a thousand episodes ago, I ordered a bottle and I've never opened it. Right.

For me, next time, next time you have a bit of insomnia, just clip it up and then don't call me straight away. Phone slipping out. Dad! Dad! I feel alive!

Honestly, it's like the difference between driving a fucking Vauxhall Nova and getting in a Mercedes. What does it do, though? What difference does it make? Makes it all shiny and nice. Boy, you're going to enjoy that. Does this feel weird in your ears,

everybody? I'm telling you, it's a slipper of kind of happy. Oh, it's just God in kind of happy a slipper oh it's just gourd innit does it tingle it no lads I can't believe

I'm teaching you fucking lube like if it's my birthday I spit on my hand but that's about the size of my hand oh god

that's probably the less counsel version of that what's wrong with that I'd rather yeah because then your dick smells of like old saliva

can I just go and wash it okay your hand listen I think you need a little journey of self-discovery

honestly if you think he's in a good mood now wait for the next episode queen joke the hand oh that's my

favourite joke of all time tell it properly but this's my favourite joke of all time. Tell it properly, but this is my favourite joke of all time. We'll close off this with this. No, I still want another question.

Oh, no, I think, Nick, I don't, go on. Why doesn't the queen wave with this hand? Go on. It's my hand. That's the best joke ever written.

He fell off his chair. Adam, it's on the fucking floor. That's the best joke ever written. See Adam Roweowe live on tour 2022 get your tickets oh dear

let's have a break and we'll be back with our guest Tony Carroll pod legend TC yeah top cap

tea time looking forward to it see you in a bit lads order order order like the man said you can order

our new line of merch at haveawordpod.com go and have a look we've got some amazing new merch we've really upped our motherfucking game. Got new colour t-shirts, new hoodies, logos, designs.

And the best bit, we've got our catchphrases. Some of our favourite podcast catchphrases. Catchphrases like rat, tur, upsetting it, and bafflution. Go and check out the website. See if there's something you want to buy for yourself. Haveawordpod.com. Follow us on socials at haveawordpod. Tweet about it.

Share it on Facebook Give us a like on Instagram Oh Jesus No you're a good egg Back to the pod You beautiful lids From Texas to Skem Everybody is listening

To the funniest podcast In the game It has to be Have a word The lump's gone But it's still here It's a fucking catchphrase Hey

Welcome Welcome What are you fucking Looking over there for I've seen him While I had a talk You don't know I just wanted to know

Where Finn was from Finn's from Ril Oh are you Finn Yeah Via Istanbul Is the Sun Centre Still open here That must be

The most popular question For anybody There's a sequel now though There's the Sun Centre 2 It's very original Yeah it's literally called Sun Centre 2 So the water park and Water park's a bit of a fucking generous term

They didn't rename it They called it the Sun Centre 2 They built another one down the road That's a bit more modern And kind of a bit less noncy So down the road they've built that And modern and kind of a bit less noncy so down the road they've built that and that's called

SC2 oh god oh shit it's closed now because of COVID just letting you know so they have to close it though

because there's bleach in the water isn't there so surely that kills all the COVID yeah COVID can't swim hey and you

don't know that it can't so you're wrong yes and we've got Tony Carroll in yay mama like that

mama like that looking for love with Tony Carroll he's looking for love always looking for love guys how are you I'm okay I just wanted to ask

a question first before we start I wanted to ask you a question you don't really but I'm cool cool cool I was just wondering

yous have both got like the scousest podcast in the world right cool cool I was just wondering yous have both got like the scousest podcast in the world right yeah and I was just wondering why it's in real why it's in Runcorn

not real Runcorn because he lives in Chester alright so it's in the middle of both of us just went past the fucking town hall

here in Runcorn Runcorn town hall yeah seen Doc and Martin McFly outside the town hall he wrote that on the way in. Yay! Comedy!

On his little notebook. I'll fucking say it was back to the future. He does that, didn't he yesterday? It's the first new joke he's written since I've known him, you know?

I'm coming back this year, mate. Coming back? Great year to come back. There's more gigs than there are comics. I don't know if you've been following anything I'm coming back this year, mate. Coming back? Yeah. Great year to come back. There's more gigs than there are comics. I don't know if you've been following anything on social media, but I haven't got a slot. I didn't really follow it when I was doing it.

I couldn't stand anyone, to be honest. I think the last time us three were in a room together was when you booked us both to do Woody's. Do you remember that gig? Did you do Woody's? The little... Karaoke bar. Karaoke bar, yeah. It was the night my grandad died, yeah.

I remember it really well. I'm not even joking. I just went... I had to be like, and that's grandad dead, and off we go to Liverpool. That was just... 100 quid.

That was a weird gig, that, like... I was fucking doing stand-up one minute, and then 10 minutes later, singing Mustang Sally. You know what I mean? I mean, that's what you used to do anyway, wasn't it? Yeah. You used to sing on stage anyway

didn't you oh oh oh call's in hello were you trying to be fucking

subtle there like creeping around as if like the three cameras watch it watch so I've brought

some gifts for you guys right because I thought you know everyone's bringing gifts so I thought

Christmas has come late yeah these better not be re-gifts Christmas you know oh so I just decided

I thought I'd give them out first get the gifts out the way isn't it that's probably the best thing I've got I've got something for everyone fucking hell

this is happening all the time even Finn I got you something what yeah I thought you didn't even know Finn existed yeah I know but I've seen I've seen some kid behind the car and I thought I can't leave him out and I don't know your name Ie, dwi'n dweud wrthyn i chi rhywbeth. Beth? Ie. Dwi'n meddwl nad oes gennych chi hyd yn oed yn gwybod bod Ffinn wedi bod. Ie, dwi'n meddwl bod oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd oedd o Milky Way Christmas I got Carl my good friend

and Orange Lucas because I know you love them he's been the garage on the way I have both like Tony Carroll

is giving Christmas presents out like a divorced dad I got I got Dan at Subway I got you guys something

that I thought this podcast was half shit before you started using my stories so I thought I got you guys something that I thought this podcast was half shit before you started using my stories. So I thought I got you something to hang on the wall. No way. It's a pair of my granddad's. Callback.

That is a callback. A long time coming. Episode four. Finn's so lost. He doesn't want them back either. How do you know? He's not well at the moment he's nearly

dead Tony did you on the way think of that joke and think shit I haven't got Carl not on I'll give him my

Lucas aid no actually you got me a Lucas aid what a fucking lad I got a fucking stain on him

a piss stain on him he wasn't washed authentic it's hard to wash them I want a fucking Lucas aid he's cacked he's have to wash them right I want a I want a fucking Lucas Ace

cactus granddad you had to come on before I come I had to wrestle with him to get them off he was going Tony you're not taking me

pants again I said I'll fuck it up you're in this right okay look a lot of our listeners yeah

are day one OGs what are you doing, Kyle? Oh, yes, Sands. You can't just tell them to put it down. A lot of our listeners are day one. They've been here from the start. But there's a chunk that aren't.

I mean, statistically, it's impossible that there's all of them from the OG days. There's a good chunk. But there'll be a lot of people that haven't. Yeah. There's a good chunk. Four. But there'll be a lot of people that haven't. I think we need to recap what this is. So do you want to tell us why in your own words

you have brought us a pair of your grandad's trousers? Well, it's a long story, isn't it? It's been told before but basically what happened was there was a comic that used to be on the scene.

Called Luke Montague. Luke Montague, yeah. And he was doing a corporate gig. I think it was for St. Alan's rugby team or something like that. Yeah, one of the big ones.

Yeah, massive. And he said to me, he said to us while we were on a night out, wasn't it? Yeah, we were in Envy. Yeah, we were on a night out. And he had a suit.

He was saying like, he was asking, wasn't he? So we didn't really have much, so he just said like, oh, I need to get a fucking suit but I so we didn't really have much so he just said I need to get a fucking suit but I can't afford it so I just said

you can borrow me grandad's if you want it wasn't just I live with me grandad's you know what I mean you know when someone

says to get him struggling financially I can't afford clothes your first daughter's always I'm a nice guy you know what I mean I've done it

out of the goodness of my heart but I mean when you're starting out and you're getting your first few gigs it's shit like that you need to do

isn't it because yeah look after each other because you've got a corporate gig when you're in new comics not like you've got loads of suits in

you're just being a good egg being a good guy so I give him my grandad's pants and he goes off and does it and then a couple of weeks later

I wasn't really desperate for my grandad's pants back he was but my grandad was like fucking hell Tony wears my ge anyways so so i said i'll ask you guys one pair at a time i'll ask the question granddad so next gig comes on a sunday we still used to do hot water when i first start on a sunday it was like quarter of us done it because yeah there's really many comedians the envy days yeah the envy days yeah rest in peace OG so

I give him the keks he does the gig a few weeks later I say yo did you have a good gig where's me granad's keks he said

I've lost them so I said what do you mean you've lost them so he says St. Helens rugby club is pretty rough yeah he said

I've been moving around and I said well fucking fine I'm not doing all you have to pay for you like designer pants? So, I'll design a suit. Were they, though? Were they British Home Stores?

No, no, I do designer, yeah. What designer? You lent him the full suit, didn't you? Because he gave you the jacket back. Yeah, he gave me the jacket back, sorry, yeah. What designer was it, Tony? Can you remember? I can't remember, no.

No? It would have been... Tom Ford, probably. Yeah, yeah. A couple of thousand pounds worth. A couple of thousand pounds couple of thousand pounds oh yeah yeah yeah

F and F yeah it's your grandad Pablo Escobar what's going on yeah yeah so he gives me the jacket back

and then he says he's lost the pants so this is like a hurried up version of the story so he ends up taking a piss a bit so I end up

threatening him outside Envy for you I'm not that kind of guy can you remember how that went down yes I can remember how that went down so Luke said so everyone's queuing up to go into the comedy club

I'm outside having a ciggy and Luke walks past so I've seen him when he's been avoiding me I've said hey where's me fucking grandad's kicks but like there's people outside queuing up

all the same now like this like what this is going to be a very professional evening where is his grandad's kicks these are thinking

you know what I mean so Luke stops like that freezes and he goes oh Tony like that's what he used to do yeah

he has Tourette's that's not he's not just being a dick Luke Montague's got Tourette's yeah he does so so he so he ends up saying

oh no I don't know I don't know whatever he said I'll find him I'll find him so then I've said to him listen lad I said next time I see you you best have me granad's pants

or I'm gonna punch your head in that was it you know what I mean so so he ends up very straightforward set there you know there's only one

there's only one solution you live by the code you die by the cold so a few weeks later he's on the on first in the gig or something or whatever and i end up going down it wasn't just for me i wasn't going down for me on his kegs i was obviously going down comedy or whatever and um he ends up just going there leaves a bag with adam and paul he says oh there's tony's yn mynd yno ac yn gadael yn y bag gyda Adam a Paul ac yn dweud, oedd Tony'n cael ei ghecs. Nawr mae'r gwaith o'i gwneud yn 32 o fath neu beth. Ac mae'n ei bag. Felly pan dwi'n mynd i'r gig, ar ôl ei fod wedi'i gadael, dwi'n mynd i mewn ac mae Adam yn mynd, oedd Luke wedi droi ei gwech o'i llaw. Felly mae'n ei ddodd. Felly mae'n ei gwneud ac mae'r gwech yn greu.

Mae'n blach ar y dechrau. Felly dwi'n meddwl, beth yw hyn? Felly dwi'n ei gwneud. And the keks were grey, right? These were black at the start, right? So I thought, what the fuck's this? I opened them, and the waist's like that. Like, I'm a big guy here, and you're bigger than me, right? And I'm talking like this. As they're George, six-pound keks, black keks. With the tag still on them. And I just thought, what the fuck? And then, honest to God, I think... Yeah, I haven't seen him since has he

what's happened because I remember thinking this when we told the story on episode 4 which is nearly a year ago I remember thinking what has happened has he

has he just has he lost them no you don't lose a pair of pants so the spits he's missed out there so what happened this is my best memory of it

and we're all going to tell a story about my gonads kegs I've got one as well so what I remember is he told you we'd lost them and you were like

you come over to me and Paul who were crying laughing and you were like what do I even do about that lad and we were like you can't really do anything because you're like well if he's actually lost

a pair of kegs you just can't get them back like he's if he's actually lost a pair of kegs you just can't get them back like he's not going to be able to match them to the fucking jacket they're just gone so you either make him pay for them or you don't and you felt like i'll ask because you knew he had no money because he would have just bought a fucking suit in the first place and then a couple of weeks later he knew you weren't on and he come and did the gig in envy in the pants and me and me and paul did you know about this me and paul smith took a look no he did no i'm just i'm just not happy now yeah i mean paul

smith took a photo of luke and the kecks and sent it to you and you were like with the caption lads are these your granddad's kids i can't remember that and you were like keep him near and then he got off and then you were like you spoke to him or like on the phone or whatever and you were like

get the fucking next I'm coming down next Sunday you better be there with me keks and he turned up at like fucking

six o'clock and I'd been working in envy for like the footy or whatever and he gave me the keks and just fucked off and then when I gave you the bag later

you thought I was taking the piss at first because I handed you this bag. And it's these fucking enormous, size 43-inch weasels and six pounds sticking still on it. And from that day, I've never seen Luke again.

And he deleted us all off Facebook and all that. Jesus. By the way, for Jilly Bean, keks are trousers. Or pants. I think she got it with the visual. To be fair to Tony, we're using keks or trousers or pants I think she got it with the visual to be fair to Tony we're using keks

but who owns the rights to the script that's the question when Hollywood comes fucking knocking like imagine that for a movie yeah

where's my grandad's keks Guy Ritchie he's gonna play me though he's gonna have to be someone fucking hard let me tell you that oh my god he's gonna play you

Jean-Claude Van Damme can I can I play you John Claude Van Damme can I play you John Claude Van Damme yeah I reckon so Rikishi the wrestler why I don't fucking know

Rikishi why is that Rikishi I just remember one time Tony tagged me in a a photo on Facebook it was of an action figure of a wrestler

and you were like doing one of my things and then I tagged you in a Rikishi picture it just came to me yeah because you used to do that bit didn't you where you used to go

with your hand what was it what was it oh this'll be a good game what was it old bits that Adam's forgotten oh

I know exactly what one he's on about I was gonna fucking batter her but I thought nah I used to go I was gonna fucking

batter her but I thought nah and he's go I was gonna fucking batter her but I thought nah and he's doing this thing with his hand this was a true true story but like not good stand up

but it worked when you're starting out none of it's great stand up we all had some terrible stuff like I heard two girls talking

one of them said I was gonna fucking batter her but I thought nah I'll just get fingered by her fella instead on the back on the bus yeah

and I used to tell that story and he had an action figure of Ray Mysterio the wrestler and he bent like the hand into the position

I used to do people's sets with action figures at home and just get them and you did in the telling of the story you did the hand like nah

but I thought nah I'll just get fingered by her fella instead oh you all know In the telling of the story, you did the hand like, nah. Well, I thought, nah. I'll just get fingered by a felon instead. Oh, you all know each other's bit. Tony, can we have one of your classics? Oh, no, no, no, my turn. My turn.

Go on. See, this is like, because you don't do stand-up anymore, really, and when you do, you've come away from what you did at the start. This is proper memory lane for me and you won't have seen Tony too much when he's last now because he didn't do much other than

envy and Bobby Murdoch's gig because he just did Bobby you're like that by the way yeah big Bobby

I love Bobby so Tony used to do a character Tony's character was a victim of domestic violence. Tommy wouldn't play, no.

So he'd go on stage. As a bloke who's suffered domestic violence. Kind of ahead of your time on that one. I'm telling you. Do you know what happened as well? Trying to redress the... Do you want to tell you what happened, right? Why I was half pissed off,

why I stopped doing the character, was because on, you know, Coronation Street, they robbed my set, right? I'm convinced. I'm convinced, yeah, because I've done Meet the Frog a few times, yeah. So I reckon I've done it on stage there and there's been like the writers on a night out or something.

I thought, yeah, I'm going to steal that for the fucking Corrie. And remember Tyrone? Yeah. Off Connison Street. I'm just saying, yeah. Oh, Tyrone. No, Tyrone's a fucking OG.

Tyrone is like a legend, mate. He's like a mechanic, like a little fuckhead. He works for Kevin Webster? Yeah, he's Kev's. Who? Hey! Oh.

He works for him. That sounds not like him. Mate. Kevin, are you having a laugh? Tony, did he tell you? Not It works for him. That sounds not like him. Mate. Are you having a laugh? Tony, did he tell you? Not doing it for Sophie. Not doing it for Rosie. It's his first time here.

He's beside me. Tony, has he told you to mention Coronation Street? Right. Tyrone! Fix that fucking car, bro. Tyrone is like Kevin Webster's apprentice, yeah? Some fuckhead, yeah? So, he was getting domestically abused by his girlfriend. Fix that fucking car, bro. Ty Rhodes, like Kevin Webster's apprentice, yeah. Some fuckhead, yeah. And, um,

he, so, he was getting domestically abused by his girlfriend, right? Fizz. Molly? It was Molly.

That was Molly, wasn't it? Yeah. I don't watch it. Lost in the weeds. Carl just saw me. Who was it? Fizz got a ways to watch it. So,

like, that's, it's bad. Don't get me wrong, like, I don't support any of that. Like, I'm not taking the piss out of it. Thank you for clarifying

Tony Carroll would like to go on record to say he is not in favour of domestic violence and I wasn't taking the piss out of it when I did my character

at comedy clubs I was actually trying to highlight the problem yeah I was I'm raising awareness no so what I was doing I was like

I was my character was about thinking it was it was domestic abuse but it wasn't it was it was domestic abuse but it wasn't it was just silly stuff you know what i mean like i used to say she used to make me beans on toast with only one piece of toast and get them sets on stage right it was fucking genius right well ahead of its time i'm a victim now so i just thought i'd own and the coordination

writers stole my character now i now if you're watching this, I want to know if you did. Coronation Street. What other lines from it were there? That's such a good line. I remember me just opening mine. I met her at the gym. I was on one treadmill, she was on another. Mine wasn't going, I was just standing on it.

I used to say she woke me up in the middle of the night screaming and shouting, where the fuck is my lighter? The only problem is she doesn't even smoke. It was so good. I'm bringing it back. Do you know what? I enjoyed it so much.

Do you know what? Literally, this act, as ridiculous as it sounds right now, was unfollowable. If he went on it would just level the place and the next act on

it's just like the fucking gig's done he really made it believable he went on because you you used to wear like a you used to wear trousers

and like a shirt and tie you used to wear a pair of proper kegs a belt shirt and tie so he looked like some fucking accountant

suicidal accountant who's just come straight from work and just had things to get off his chest about his can you remember any of the other lines

erm no I think that was it is this like what we're talking now 8 years ago you lasted comedy 9, 10 no no

I haven't lasted it when did you when did you so after I've done that character for like a year or two years it wasn't really that was just a joke so Cymdeithas? Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion.

Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion.

Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. Yn ystod y ddynion. I'm fucking a weirdo or you know what I mean like it was fucking it was good like I used to just absolutely tear it up

yeah then the next gig I'd die on my ass and then the next gig take the roof off next gig die on my ass and I thought

it's just it's fucking me mind up here you know what I mean because not to get too wanky about it it's quite clever it's quite a clever premise yeah

and if crowds are like what yeah yeah like a lot of British comedy now because we're our stuff is the mainstream it's very like

this is me have you ever done this? I've done this and crowds love it. Yeah, yeah. There is more complicated set ups and that's kind of

it's kind of a more complicated set up so if a crowd are like what? That's not domestic violence you're like I think you're the first person who's ever accused Tony

of being too clever for the crowd. Look at him sat there all happy with himself like damn I can go off in some fucking intelligence I'm tired now but I think that's true

isn't it yeah I think that's what the biggest problem was I couldn't get consistency with the act you know what I mean so I used to do my head in a lot so I just decided

like Adam and the lads like after gigs and when I've done that on stage if you can see me in a green room after it it's just like who I am just one of the lads you know what I mean like I like just fucking taking the piss out of people so they used to say to me Yn ôl y gigau, pan wnes i wneud hynny ar ystafell, os ydych chi'n gweld fi yn y llyfr yn ôl, mae'n dweud wrthych chi, mae'n dweud wrthych chi. Rwy'n cymryd y llyfrau. Roeddent yn dweud wrthych chi, mae'n ddiddorol i mi fod yn fy hun.

Ond rwy'n credu pan dechreuais, roeddwn i'n dal i ffynnu ar gyfer gynrychiolion oherwydd roeddwn i'n hwyr yn eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eithaf eith you know what I mean it's not me myself so I think I was half scared starting oh my god I wasn't expecting such a personal revelation well you know I'm just spitting facts that's why we're here you know what I mean yeah if you totally open up

and yourself you're dying where do you think that fear of exposing yourself comes from oh my god Adam let me do it again Tony

one time when I was a kid and my uncle Ian come round oh god I'm joking how many slices of toast would you have with your beans Tony. One time when I was a kid and my uncle Ian come round. Oh God. I'm joking. How many slices of toast were there? Were they beans?

He was done. It was just beans! Just beans! That's it! I used to love you getting the one you're getting tired of and bummed that one.

That was a funny routine. That's probably my best ever joke I think. Oh, Carl's got none of this. You can't, and Carl, what was one of your bits

from back in the day Because you were always Like yeah I'll out put it on Do you remember That seat implant That Carl did In 2011

Table of 40 At the front Fucking hell Carl So I think what happened Was The final store Was the Canadian Year final

The Hot Wheels Canadian final When I lost To my arch nemesis Adam Rowe Oh mate So I think what happened was the final straw was the comedian of the year final. The Hot Wheels comedian of the final. When I lost to my arch nemesis, Adam Rowe. Oh, mate. Have you seen Karate Kid? Like Cobra Kai, isn't it? That's what we are. When we're a bit older, we have kids.

Me and Adam are going to seem to be standard comedians and they're going to meet in the final. Right. Yeah. It's going to be hell. So the year he's talking about Vinnie Rowe 2010

no it was Friday the 6th of November 2011 alright Rayman alright are you messing he's had it tattooed on his dick

every time he gets hard even if I'm in town and I place your hands by reef I've got to leave wherever I am tell him what you're

what was your walk on song what was my one yeah it's how do I live by Liam Rimes oh yeah so he'd walk on to how do I live

by Liam Rimes and then pretend to be a victim of domestic violence that's a great walk on song how do I get through a night without you and she's walked down

like that everyone's got everyone else has got the foo fires. Yeah, everyone's all amped up on that community final. I'm walking down, everyone's like, what the fuck's this kid doing here? I had a stinker. But we were all mates on that final.

It was quite weird and quite insular, and Hot Water was criticised at the time because it's such a scouse club, and all the finalists either lived in Liverpool or were scousers, so it was me, Tony, Lewis Calvert. For Liverpool Comedian of the Year. Yeah. I mean, it's not the end of the world.

No, but, like, everyone was allowed to enter. It just so happened that the finalists was full of Scousers. It was Jay Edwards, wasn't it? No. Dave Ernie was one. Kearney. Kearney. There's a lot of names that you don't need to know here.

Yeah. I don't know them. It's not like you're... Oh, yeah. And maybe I'll google some of these names these are all like they're not comics anymore it's only Adam that's doing anything the title went to the right winner you know what I mean

longevity yeah I could have been sitting next to that now only if I would have won that part couldn't make Covid yeah so me and Tony were like Yr unig ffordd roeddwn i wedi gwneud hynny o'r pwynt hwn. Mae'n rhaid i ni wneud Covid. I mi a Tony roeddwn ni'n ddau dda a byddwn ni'n ymlaen â'i gilydd. Beth fyddai'n mynd i'w gynnal? Roedd hynny'n rhaid i ni ddweud wrth i ni ddweud.

Yn ôl, roedd y clwb yn dweud, roedd Adam a Adam yn gweithio yn MV hefyd. Roedd y staff yno. Yn ystod y dyddiau cyn hyn, roedd pawb yn dweud, Mae Tony'n mynd i gynnal, mae Adam yn mynd i gynnal. Roedd yn beth mawr i ni. Yn ystod y dydd, na oedd unrhyw ffrind yn maru neu beth? Na, nid oedd yn maru. Roedd Ben yn y tîm ffwrdd o ran y rhanbarth.

Roeddwn i'n gael rhai gêm ar y dydd. Roedd fy nghyngor yn y tîm agored, ond roeddwn i'n 18 pan oeddwn i'n rhanbarth. Roedd ben yn cael ei dynnu'n llwyr, ond roedd y chynnydd yn mynd i'n rheolwr. Roedd fy nghydweithiwr Ben wedi cael slydiadau, ond roedd y ffwrdd o'i blent yn ei llaw ac fe wnaeth ei ddysgu. Felly roeddwn i'n ysbyt â nhw oherwydd roeddwn i'n rheolwr. Roeddwn i'n 18 ac roedd hi'n ychydig o flynyddoedd yn fynyddoedd. Roedd ei mam a'i tân ar y hôl ar y hôl neu rywle, felly doedd gen i ddim o ddodd-drych. Felly roedd rhaid i mi eistedd ymlaen ym ysbyt â nhw. Ac roedd hynny'n ddrwg i mi. Yn gweithio ar eich nodau.

Dwi ddim yn dweud fy mod yn hapus bod hynny wedi digwydd i'w. Mae'n dda nawr, mae'n dda nawr. working on your notes I'm not saying I'm glad that happened to him do you know what I mean but like you know he's sound now isn't he no regrets yeah he's alright now just at the time because the impact he thought he was going to go

how can he see now he's got like 70% oh that's fine I'm fucking made up it happened yeah yeah it threw me off like what's the cut off where you feel bad

yeah lower than 70% so you did a few more years of stand up and then you packed it in no so after that that was the last character act I thought fuck you know I'm going to leave that then I just started writing just about Ie, mae'n rhaid i mi gael y gwaith. Felly fe wnaethoch chi ddod i'r stand-up ychydig mwy o flynyddoedd a wedyn fe wnaethoch chi ei gosod? Ie, felly ar ôl hynny, dyna'r pen ddwy o'r cerdded i'r cerdded. Fe wnes i ddod i'r cerdded a ddechreuais i ysgrifennu am bethau.

Ac wedyn, fe wnes i ddod â phwysig iawn o ran fy mab a'r hynny, oherwydd yn amlwg rwy'n byw gyda nhw. Dwi'n dweud am fy mab a'r cerdded, oherwydd nid yw'n ffordd i mi fynd i fy mab a'r cerdded. Ydych chi'n blant mab a'r cerdded yna? Ie, i'r blaen. Ie, fel blant mab, ond fel... Ie, rwy'n gweld hynny. Yn wir, rwy'n wir hefyd, ond... Rwy'n gweld hynny. Yeah? Like a nan kid? Yeah, yeah. Seen that bit of old, yeah. Actually, yeah, I'm weird as well, aren't I?

I am, aren't I? Yeah, you are weird. Yeah. Our grandad kids are even one up, I suppose. Yeah, probably, yeah. That's really... He had a big influence though

because he was performing back in the day and stuff like that so I had like... Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he do, your grandad? My grandad was a singer though. Wow.

He was really good. Frank Sinatra? Yeah. Yeah. He was a singer though wow he was really good Frank Sinatra yeah yeah he was a singer as well like that like that's another singer yeah that's a singer can you frame a reference

show me your grandad the big influence you know like what like Erykah Badu yeah yeah because she's a singer isn't she who?

Erykah Badu who's that? it's a singer you don't know who Erykah Badu is who's Erykah Badu? like your grandad go on Erykah Badu so he had a big influence Erika Baddyn. Yr hyn yw hyn? Mae'n gynhyrch. Dydwch chi ddim yn gwybod erika Baddyn? Yr hyn yw erika Baddyn? Fel eich granddad. Erika Baddyn.

Felly roedd gen i ddiddordeb mawr ar gynhyrchu, pethau fel hyn pan oeddwn yn ifanc ac roedd yna bach o gynhyrchu cyn i mi ddod i'r dyfodol, stand up a phethau fel hynny. Felly pan oeddwn i'n ysgrifennu pethau roedd yn ddiddordeb eithaf oedol ond yna roeddwn i'n rhoi gwisgo arnyn nhw, fath o newydd, felly doedd dim yn unig o'r hach. Dim unig o'r hach, roedd yn cael ei ddwyn. then I put a twist on them like new ones so it wasn't like a hack but it was like a semi it wasn't a hack they were stolen it was semi

it was semi hack stuff and then after that that was just a ironic hack I'm not ashamed to say it and if anyone wants to fucking say it the cat on the roof

is the perfect example isn't it yeah the cat on the roof joke yeah exactly stuff like that I'm not gonna say it oh come on you can't say cat on the roof joke

it's a joke joke just do it it's a it's a classic innit go on yeah what is it you go

we're on an oldie and you have to look after her oh yeah my girlfriend asked me to mind the cat while she was on an oldie and then and she asked me

to mind the mum as well an elderly mum while she was on an oldie and then she rings me and she says hi babe I was the cat and I say it's dead she starts crying and I go hefyd, i fy mab oedol, pan oedd hi ar y ffordd. Yna, mae hi'n sgrinio ati i mi ac mae hi'n dweud, Hi babe, mae'r gwartheg yma. Ac rwy'n dweud, mae'n marw. Mae hi'n dechrau cofio, ac mae hi'n mynd i ymrwymiad ffôn neu beth bynnag, mae hi'n cofio. Ac yna, mae hi'n dweud, mae hi'n mor marw. Ac yna...

Rwy'n gwybod y sgwrs. Felly mae hi'n sgrinio. Jesus, Tony, mae wedi bod am amser arno. Mae'n ychydig o flynyddoedd. Rwy'n cofio, mae'r sgwrs yn mynd, mae'r mab yn marw. Gwna i ddim arall. Felly, mae'n dweud, mi... O, na, mae fy gwartheg yma. Mae'n mynd ar y llwyth. Mae'n marw. I remember the joke goes your mum's dead hang on I got nothing else so he'd say how's me cat it's dead she goes

is it dead and he'd go yeah it's dead you didn't fucking have to say it like that did you why the fuck do you want me to say it well you could have been a bit more like

kind about it put a bit of mystery in it say like he climbed up on the roof and died peacefully eee eee ask me mum

well she climbed up on the roof that's exactly how it was Adam you can have it mate you can have it but that's not like he'd he'd talk like an old pub joke

and he'd he'd add a bit old pub joke and he'd add a bit of acting to it yeah because he had no ambition to ever do any gigs on weekends or at water he didn't give a shit

but you've got a following though even now you've got a following yeah to be fair I've got a really good following to be honest

every time I go back on when I say like hot water something on a Tuesday when I'm just bored or something I say

oh yeah I'll just jump like the last one I've done it was like 200 tickets free on a tuesday they had they had like not many in and i just jumped on me and just sold it out on a tuesday 180 people so many of his mates and like like he's got like his little tony's yeah no it's because you're known in town now yeah i think that's what it is yeah i think it's just because you like to follow

what what i do i've got a quite a good a good name aren't you? Yeah, I think that's what it is, yeah, I think it's just because you like to follow what I do, I've got quite a good name, you know what I mean? And that's because of what? Because you quit stand-up and went into, you're working nightclubs and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

That's it. So you're a face, aren't you? General manager of one of the most popular nightclubs in the city. Yes. Ink Bar. I'm 54. 54, yeah.

Are you GM of 54? Yeah, well, I do both now. Yeah, yeah. I've got a different role now, so I work for 54 and Ink now. Oh, shit, okay. Yeah, so I've just... It's been a shite year for you,

it's been shite enough to stand up. It's been terrible. You've got bricks and mortar to worry about. Yeah, it's been terrible. But, as I say, there's nothing we can do about it, so we've just got to crack on. There's no point in getting...

We were just saying before, like, looking forward, everyone's like, I think it could be all right, bye. And we've been doing it all year. How's it in your industry? Like, what... Because we got to gig again. Yeah. We got to gig.

We got to open, but fucking serving food and stuff like that went... Which people love in a nightclub, don't they? Yeah, it was just... Toasty when you're trying to bang someone. Yeah, it was just terrible, but... ffocon gwasgaru bwyd a phethau fel hynny pan roedd pobl yn ei fwynhau mewn cwbl ysgol ydynt yn dda toasty pan fyddwch yn ceisio bwydo rhywun roedd yn ddrwg ond nid oeddem ni eisiau penderfynu'r gwirionedd a phethau fel hynny ond yn y diwedd oherwydd bod pawb arall yn ei wneud mae'n rhaid i chi fynd ymlaen â'r achos mae gennym bobl yn cael 40 pan oeddwn i'n rheolwr cyffredinol o inc mae pawb yn cael ei

newid nawr ond pan oeddwn i yno roedd gen i 40 staff a mae pawb yn cael teuluoedd a phethau ac rydych chi'n dechrau teimlo eich hun. Nid yn unig am chi, mae'n unig am nhw hefyd. Felly, rydych chi'n ymdrech amdano, ond yna rydych chi'n cael neges i staff a chyflawni glas a phethau yn dweud fel, a ydych chi'n gwybod pan fyddwn i'n mynd i agor eto? Rwy'n dechrau... Ie, gadewch i mi... Rwy'n siarad gyda Matt Hancock. Ie, oherwydd rwy'n y rheolwr cyffredinol o Ynch yn Llywodraeth, felly byddaf yn cael ei ddod ar ddial gyrff. Matt, allwch chi agor? Mae gennym rhai gylchglau sydd angen rhai arian. Ie, because I'm the general manager of ink in Liverpool so I'll get him on speed dial Mark could you open up we've got some glass collectors need some money

so it was tough but as I say I've got this approach I think what happened when I was a bit younger I was going back for the stand up thing and that's what I brought into the nightclub thing that's why I'm a bit more confident because when I was younger doing the stand up and the character stuff

I was very insecure and I was younger doing the stand up and the character stuff I was very insecure and like I was very shy you wouldn't think so but I was and then one day I just woke up

yeah and I thought I don't give a fuck anymore it was weird and ever since then just was there anything that happened the night

before there did you have some DMT or it was just honesty like I can't explain it I remember I used to be dead self conscious

in that though didn't I like I used to oh it's one of the best things you can ever get to that point where you're like oh I can't explain it I remember when I used to be dead self conscious in that though didn't I oh it's one of the best things you can ever get to that point where you're like oh I don't give a shit but you know what Dan I used to

like because I've always been a big guy I was taught like I used to wear like coats in the summer to think like it's going to hide the fact that I've got tits in the belly

you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah stuff like that and if it was on a lads all day I wouldn't get my t-shirt off and just wear it t-shirt in the pool yeah yeah and then one day I if it was on a lads all day I wouldn't get my t-shirt off and just go t-shirt in the pool yeah yeah

and then one day I just woke up I can remember it and just woke up and thought why am I arsed like I don't give a fuck what people think or say

oh it's a nice it's a nice place to get to I've been such a well better person since then like now I just take my top off and fucking

tie it on her not even on holiday sit there having a scan and I'm just like fuck off I don't care those changing rooms open love

not even asked mate I'm not even telling you again you don't get your tits out in Wilco I shouldn't have to say it again and then like

my fashion sense was terrible and stuff like that and then I just started getting into more like more expressing myself you know what I mean

oh my god you're a new woman you did take your top off in Ibiza though for a specific reason do you remember no started getting into more, like, more expressing myself, you know what I mean? Oh, my God, you're a new woman. You did take your top off in Ibiza, though, for a specific reason. Do you remember? No. We went to Ibiza and we all did shots. Oh, yeah.

So it was Ibiza, September, hot, obviously. We're at the pool. Oh, no. All of us sweating like a motherfucker. And I think it was Jago said, oh, let's all do shots out of Tony's belly button. So we all poured apple... Not the shot glass in the belly button. Is that in there?

No, it didn't go. All right. So we all poured apple schnapps into Tony's belly button and shot out of it on a hot, sweaty, heavy day. And all the girls around the pool went, oh, I'm going to need some cleaners to dry this popper down. tea every third day. And all the girls around the pool went, woo! Oh, I'm going to need some clean air to dry this popper down.

Damn! Oh, that's got me sweating in all my places. What do you do if we brought Tony in one day for a lockdown lock-in? Would you do a shot out of his...

Just get him... I'd convert to Islam before I did apple sours out of your fucking belly button. It's clean then as well. I would convert to Islam before I did apple sours out of your fucking belly button. It's clean, Dan, it's fine. I would have to be in full PPE. Jesus Christ.

No, I mean, it's different when it's a lad's holiday. This is why dickheads come back with broken legs in it. Once the, no no we should do it you don't want to be the one going I think that's unhygienic that's not the that's not the chat

is it we were about 19 wasn't we 19s were we yeah about 19 how did you do it did you just lie there did you do one

yeah is this the video of it do you lie on the side of the pool on my holiday though and when you go on holiday when you're younger you just

it's just like shit that you do and then when you're old and you go on holiday When you're younger You just It's just like The shit that you do And then when you're old And you go on holiday And you think Why would I even do that You know what I mean Like me and Carl

Fucking hell Oh yeah If you and Carl Went on holiday now You'd just be sat there With a pint of shandy For the week wouldn't you Yeah yeah yeah

Well we share the room Me and Tony So yeah It wasn't good In Ibiza Yeah and then you get to Where I am in life Where you're like

I just want to Tony can I Can we go on holiday Like Because I've gone so far Beyond that now I'd love to I am in life where you're like I just wanna Tony can I can we go on holiday like because I've gone so far beyond that now I'd love to get into that shit when you were like I'm a general manager of a club

in my head I was like can we go can I come absolute grandad in this hey I'm VIP I know Tony cannot wait to take you to Inkbar

when it's over I am not joking you'll have a good night I wanna live you'll have a good night you'll have a good night you know you'll have a good night honestly I'm gonna be like

a fucking debutant I am we get looked after in that gaff I threw a KFC cup didn't I for six miles on it oh mate

I can't believe this right top floor of the hotel in Ibiza we're sharing a room and me and Carl have blathered one night we're facing the hotel

which is but mad is a daycare centre like with kids toddlers yeah okay

and good choice for breakfast that morning we had to grab like loads of fruit so we were throwing oranges at toddlers

why did you tell everyone that Jesus Christ from the top floor of the hotel they could have killed them, Cal. How many young people have to be blinded in your stories? Fucking little Jose with citric acid.

Any pairs, it could have been anything. We were throwing fruit at toddlers. Not like little objects. From a distance, though. In the end, at dinner and stuff we were looking for we were going lad you're gonna be alright

you know we were eyeing up things in the canteen to throw off the roof you fucking animal at kids that night we came back

fucked I say night it's probably about 8am in the morning and there was mancs at the on the ground floor shout out to all our manc listeners

he was singing like oh hate singing like England songs. And we were like, fucking shut up you little man. And he was like, are you Scouse bastards? And I threw a KFC cup full of Coke. Have you seen the cups over on holiday

when you go to KFC? Like they're that big. Like this big. A bucket. Like this. No, literally. Carl. From the top of a hotel.

Top floor. I hit the kid in the back of the head And I mean Across the road Dan Adam This is Two miles

The shot right It's at least two miles I mean Gravity did a lot of the work Have you seen American Sniper The base So Carl gets this cup And he goes Fuck off yeah

And you just watch it And you just see it And you know it's gonna hit him And it goes Fuck off Well he's just The cup Like lands like this fuck off, yeah? And you just watch it and you just see it and you know it's going to hit him. And it goes, fuck off. Well, he's just kidding. The cup, like, lands like this

and the whole drink just goes. And he goes, you fucking scouse bastards. And he picks up a rock, right? Not me. Not me, the fella. The fella goes to throw it at us.

Bow and pails. And he throws it and it comes back down well if he can get a cup down here I can get a rock up there same distance it comes down

hits him on the head he's trying to get another one oh this guy's cricks I'm fucking honestly I'm in I'm in bits did they find you

no they must have come looking probably but that hotel's famous it's called Pixus Park have you ever heard of it hotel's famous it's called Pixus Park have you ever heard of it? Pikey Park

it's called Pikey Park what? it's like 20 quid it's like the cheapest hotel in Ibiza and they call it Pikey Park and that's where

Spanish parents think I'm going to get my I'm going to get my kid in nursery across the road that's why we threw objects at them yeah so the parents

had moved them out of there it's infamous it's the best spot because it's the egg in Ibiza it's the hotel next to that

so it's the best spot but it's the worst hotel it's 20 quid a week but you come back and your bedroom your door would just be open someone had just

booted it in passport and money we had to hide it in the lights me and Carl booted someone's door in there was five fellas in there all sniffing gear all like that I went shit and we had to hide it in the lights. Me and Carl, me and Carl booted someone's door in and there was five fellas in there all sniffing gear.

What? All like that. I went shit and we had to run. He chased us. Wow. Talk about picking the wrong door. Yeah.

Carl, someone booted us. Carl skidded through some fellas they had coked up like that. What? I went, oh shit. Someone kicked our door open

so I was like, fuck that, I'm going to kick someone else's door. One all? Yeah. But you had to hide your possessions. Could you imagine if a family books that Someone kicked our door open, so I was like, fuck that, I'm going to kick someone else's door. One-all! But you had to hide your possessions. Could you imagine if a family books that just accidentally? It might have happened. Yeah, definitely.

Where they're just like, it's cheap, and you know, we've had a hard year at work. And then you animals are throwing fucking... Who's taken their children to Ibiza anyway? Ibiza Towns? Yeah, Ibiza's not just clubbing and kids. Have a nice side as well yeah Ibiza towns like

beautiful yeah oh that no that's just not for me I went to Ibiza when I was a kid when I was like yeah

you were doing pills when you were nine no way yeah I was there seven years old my parents knew what I was into got him a glow stick

for his birthday good god I've never went to Ibiza in my hair day I've only been to Ibiza in my hair day. I've only been to Ibiza. Going this year. Yes, I'm going again.

All things being well. Yes. Yeah. Looking forward to that one. You don't think it's going to happen, do you? September? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not saying that.

I just feel like... I just want to hear a story of like, when Adam comes back, I took a pill in Ibiza. I wouldn't take a pill. I know you keep saying this, but you're not in Ibiza I wouldn't take a pill I know you keep saying this but you're not in Ibiza you're in Runcorn

right now it's easy in a studio in Runcorn to be like I wouldn't take a pill when you're like bam bam bam

bam bam and some hot girl is like do you want this no no I wouldn't do it in Runcorn

I'm not doing it here I'll have a fucking apple sours from Tony's belly. Tony! Tony, I need you! Go away! Throwing satsumas at her.

When do you reckon he's going to open then? Have you been told any, like... I'm just hoping we get like, the races. And I said that last year. April? Because he said two weeks in March.

I said, oh, we get the races. I'm saying again this year a year later yeah from April onwards it's a good time the club's January, February March picks up a bit but from April the races

that's when it goes full tilt well if even if you're spacing open please can I I know I've got a child due late April

but if I can squeeze in a night out in and around there go and wet the baby's head well wet that is what all new mums want go and wet the baby's head are you going to the local no I'm going to a major club

in Liverpool city centre with a bunch of fucking lids it's hip hop and R&B as well what you wearing what trousers are you wearing don't you worry what's that stain it's a good callback.

I reckon you'd like 54 more, though. I liked 54 when we went a couple of weeks ago. It's like disco music. No, I think you'd like disco music more. Yeah, I think you'd like it more. I like 54, though. Can we genuinely... Good clientele.

I'm not joking. At some point this year, I want to feel... When we're allowed to go out, we're going out. Right, all right. Next, later in the year, I want to feel... Oh, Dan, when we're allowed to go out, we're going out. Right, all right. Next, later in the year, if there's a live show, and then we can go out, if that's the place to go, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I've got the table booked.

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supremecbD.uk Don't be a Tory. Down your table, Shandy, and tell a friend. This is Have A Wad. And we're back. All right, you okay? Yes, I'm fine. Slightly different position.

Yeah. We've just had a little manoeuvre of Tony you wanna see his face it's important Tom Tanner says if you could have

the set of any game show down the years in your house which one would it be I'd have to go for total wipeout

it's not a game show is it well it's a TV show where people run around and shit it's kind of a game show isn't it that's what, it counts. It's a TV show where people run around and shit. It's kind of a game show, isn't it? That's what he means, isn't it?

He's got his castle, then. Yeah. I'd be fucking bossed out. Might I be the chief? Because I look like fucking Mark Lebet. You just watch TV. Me just sitting at the top of a massive list. Grandad!

Me just sitting at the top of the stairs, like that. I'd do that anyway. The beast. The beast, what a guy. Grandad Me just sitting At the top of the stairs Like that I just thought anyway The beast What a guy When I was a kid I used to On my own Pretend I was Mufasa

On the stairs Playing Lion King And then I'd throw myself up The cube would be boss though Wouldn't it Fuck yeah Do the whole fucking script Hey the cube would be great

Yeah Just have a big cube in your house And you could fuck Phil Schofield in a break It's the middle of winter And I've got a toddler Anything like Just have a big cube in your house and you can fuck Phil Schofield in a break. It's the middle of winter and I've got a toddler. Anything like Total Wipeout would be fucking amazing. Like a safer version of it.

I feel for it. Just in the house again. Everything's fucking freezing. It'd be great if we had a proper soft playroom. If you just jammed in everything from a kid's tv show oh 50 50 remember that 50 50 yeah it was on um bbc after school when we went to school and it was two schools versus each other and they do all like soft play shit like that it's fucking boss i am i want to do tip and point i love those 2p machines at the fair what?

have you seen tip and point? yeah it's like the 2p machines isn't it? there's a TV there's a TV could you imagine how budget that would be

you know when people get rich and they get like Street Fighter 2 or something like the console game if Adam in his game room

had a fucking 2p machine where every night he'd win and then have to like put the two peas out so the balance in oh we did to play that when we used to we used to it was the person to get rid of their two peas one oh right okay yeah yeah yeah yeah because the thing yeah because you'd win shit fuck's sake you have to get rid of it that quick oh that's good yeah because you'd win like four people and wasn't me i had money the game for those was that get rid of them all get rid of your coins first wins i i get weird about the 2p machines

i just get it in my head that once you know you walk around the 2p machines you've got you like a pound of 2ps and then you're like right that one looks like it's ready to drop as soon as i put that all super glued on mate it's all a fucking rigged as soon as i put that first... They're all super glued on, mate. It's all a fucking rigged game. As soon as I put that first 2P in, I then can't leave that machine. Yeah. Because my worst nightmare is... That's how they get you. ...putting fucking 80 pence of 2Ps in...

Hundreds of millions of pounds every year are spent on those machines. Hundreds of millions. Yeah. Hundreds of millions every year. That's fucking thin. Rill knows. That's how Rill's

built Rill is built on stolen 2Ps because they fucking get you in because they have they have them all exactly

they have them all hanging over the edge how do you think they played for fucking SC2 that's what I mean they've got their own bank hundreds of millions

every year I mean if you want to take a I've seen a documentary about it on YouTube if you want to withdraw it's a bit of a ball because it's in 2Ps

Rill's one of the only four countries one of the four places in the whole world right I've seen a documentary about it on YouTube. If you want to withdraw, it's a bit of a ball, because it's in two piece. Rhyl's one of the only four places in the whole world, right, that the banks aren't run by the Rothschilds. They're run by the Sun Centre, aren't they? Yeah. The Sun Centre. Has Wales got a mafia? A fucking budget mafia.

Atlantic City with the Sopranos, and then Rhyl's got like... The nearest thing you guys are talking about is a guy called les harker he owns the whole the whole front in rail don't name him les harker yeah he's you are you're in fucking trouble now son oh my god he's quite old now so I think where you going Les

you fucking shit house where you going stop robbing the two peas you robbing cunt I need to get one of them

myself one of them daughters mate marrying some money innit there's a fucking you listening Les yeah

Les I'm coming for you I'm coming for all your two peas all your ten peas he's a pensioner that Les yeah Les I'm coming for you lad I'm coming for all your 2p's All your 10p's He's a pensioner That owns some amusements In real

Why are you so angry About the 2p machines Have you just decided to be What I'd have countdown Because Rachel Riley's Attracted Yeah you don't get

Rachel Riley That's not part of the thing She's a Tory yeah Tory If you could have any game show And their host It's a weird It's more of a hostage situation, isn't it? Like Rachel Riley in the dining room.

She's like, when can I go and see my family? Ah, if we're getting the host as well, then I want Pointless, because Richard Osman knows everything. You can just have him there. I just really want Philip Schofield in my house. He'd ruin you. I'd love to bump Philip Schofield.

I'd love to bump Philip Schofield I'd love to see you I don't know what an awful image what I don't think it's awful Adam is it why I think it'd be alright it's the love between

one of your friends and a famous British TV presenter I wouldn't just bump Philip Schofield and leg him I'd actually like get rid of him you know what I mean

get to know him would you have sex with a man? Would you ever try it? I would make love to Philip Scofield. How have we got here? I wouldn't just fuck him. I wouldn't just, like, bum him, like, hard. You're looking...

I'd make love to Philip Scofield. If you watch him, Phil. Philip, please. Just answer me DMs. I keep messaging you and you're not reading them. You know, when Philip Schofield came out as gay do you reckon he was

after Tony Carroll I was like this yes I can finally bump Phil Schofield do you know he he asked Lana Del Rey to marry him that much

on Twitter she followed she followed me on Twitter you know Lana Del Rey what a combo I've been doing the scenes with Phil

and he just won't answer you are looking for love though aren't you I am looking for love yes when was the last time you were What a combo. I've been doing scenes with Phil and he just won't answer. You are looking for love though, aren't you? I am looking for love, yes. When was the last time you were pounding puss? Jesus. You asked me if you shag a man

five seconds ago. Pounding puss? It's only been a few weeks. Yeah. But, I mean, I want love though. I want the fairy tale, you know what I mean?

You want the fairy tale. Yeah. So what are you looking for in a woman? Or TV presenter. If Phil doesn't get back to me, right? Nah, what am I looking for in a woman? Someone who's trustworthy.

Because I'm going to have an empire soon. I don't want her to, like, fuck me over, you know what I mean? I want her to... Hello, we want prenup! We want prenup! Exactly. Would you make her sign want prenup we want prenup exactly would you make a sign of prenup

erm no she's just she's got to be able to trust people haven't you you know what I mean she's got to be

trustworthy she's got to be she's got to be funny that's it really over six foot no like like small like small

girls to be honest so a trustworthy midget basically I want her to be small and trustworthy

like a fucking goblin from Gringotts you can trust her with your money and she dies Mr Carroll's room

is this way if there was a woman right who was really trustworthy and you'd like you'd seen a picture of her on the internet, and she looked fucking stunning,

but then you met her, and she was seven foot, would you still go out with her? Is trustworthiness, does that outweigh the height, or does the height outweigh... Would you rather have a lying midget or a really trustworthy basketball player? Well, I still run a football team, don't I? I'm looking for the centre-back, so...

Yeah. She can play centre-half for me. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, but which would you rather be with, like, long-term? Really tall and trustworthy or a lion little dwarf? A really tall, trustworthy person. Yeah.

Yeah. Who would you rather be with? Height's a weird one, isn't it? Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's quite a sexist thing. Women want tall men. Total generalisation. But traditionally,

and then men do not want women that are loads taller. I've seen a tweet about this. Apparently, men want small women because they want to be able to control them. And women want tall men because they want to be controlled. I'm not saying I agree with it. I'm just saying it was on Twitter and the person who posted it

was a tall black woman. No one lies on Twitter. We've already proved that. He's on Philip Schofield. He's on Philip Schofield. How tall is Philip Schofield? 5'9". Do you have a look?

Do you have a look for us? Can you Google how tall Philip Schofield is? I never thought I'd ask that question. Philip Schofield has got a clean backside area, because he is gay, and he definitely keeps it neat. You're a bit obsessed with people's clean bums. Start to think about it more. Since we've shaved Brennan's bum,

you've mentioned clean bums a lot. Is everything, what's getting, has Manscaped not brought out the bum eater or whatever? I just, I'm just like. I'm going to have to work on the name of that. Like, you know, I just, I'm sort of wondering how many men have some anal hygiene regime.

But what's making this? I don't really know where it's come from. Yeah. I just think, you know. Just if you, you know. Like if it's really hairy, it's come from yeah I just think you know just if you you know like if it's really hairy it's not very cleanly is it like

there's gonna be still be poo particles on there when you Philip Schofield's 5'11 5'11 same size as me so are you 5'11 yeah

the kiss will be perfect Jesus Christ Connor Mudge says if you could live one day in the life of any comedian who would it be and why? you get to live one

day in the life, I mean waking up in his or her family home is going to be weird but then performing as them although you're not going to know they're set so it's going to get weird pretty quick I'm happy do you wake up and like

if that's such a psycho answer. Can he be dead? Yeah, but that's just a cape, isn't it? You just want to rest. No, can the comedian be dead? Well, I suppose it's a hypothetical. You could choose when and who. I reckon Bernie Mac would have been good.

Yeah. Oh my God, when he was doing the King of Comedy tour. Oh, so good. Or to do the Def Jam. The problem is though, you've got to be able to go out as Bernie Mac and do, do you know what I mean?

If you go out as Bernie Mac and then you have your accent and go yeah I'm a victim of domestic abuse look so weird I ain't scared of you motherfuckers I'm big boned a day in the life of is you are them aren't you? you motherfuckers I'm big boned A day in the life of is

You are them aren't you You experience what they experience Yeah Be nice to have a big chopper as well You got a big willy? Me? Just averaging us Dude damage to Phil Schofield

What can I get a cease and desist order From Phil Schofield's lawyers I I really want to just message me back Yeah I go Kevin Hart Why? I don't know if I'm ever playing arenas So Do you think he's the best of the arenas?

Do you think he's the arena goat? His life looks pretty good though If you're doing genuinely whose life do you want to have a live for one day you're not just going to pick a

circuit comic to live your day like in theory you'd go bigger wouldn't you go Bill Bird see no

Lee Evans would be mad wouldn't he he'd be fucking sweating and all that I would go smaller I'd go like you know

just to remind myself where I've come from he's gone in a weird mood uh i had to go joe rogan and just go on and be like okay last minute change of guests we got tony carroll on and jamie be like i can't really find any information about it i'd be like don't worry about it and so there'll be nine million people watching joe rogan interview tony car going, tell me about... What's your obsession with Philip Scophi? Who is that?

And then it'll definitely get back to him. Would you rather from Dan. How are we? Andrew, Donald, Karimba and Fuembe. Question is, would you rather never eat bacon ever again the other one or every time you do

purple aki comes over and asks for a piece and gives your bicep a squeeze that one bacon's overrated bacon's not overrated and you're a fucking pedophile no it is

people like bacon because everyone says it's great just saying no it's not true it's the best thing in the world no it is it depends what it's with.

I can't just have bacon on its own. Bacon sandwich. You have to have it with something. It's got to be sausage or an egg, hasn't it? You can't just be on a... Bacon sandwich. I like a bacon. I like a bacon.

I'm not saying it's not nice, but I'm saying people act like it's fucking... There isn't anything better. I like... Nothing better. What about lamb? There's nothing that bacon doesn't improve. What about lamb?

Bacon's better. Bacon doesn't improve. Nothing. Cornflakes. Cornflakes and bacon. Oh, you've been fucking teary-eyed, haven't you? No, I haven't.

Bacon doesn't improve here. What? Vaseline. Vaseline? Yeah. I'm talking about the food. It's called... Toothpaste.

Vaseline. Vaseline. Yeah. Any other food? There's no food that isn't improved by bacon's presence. Including, like, yoghurt. Lemon drizzle cake.

Yeah? Yeah. It's a weird one to... What would you go? Bacon or purple ackee? If anyone doesn't know, this is a bit of a Scouse legend, isn't it? Purple ackee.

Yeah. He's a horrible man, like... Yeah. I tried to take a photo of him onto Manchester Piccadilly train station and he caught me and come over and threatened me Is he in Liverpool? Yeah, he allegedly caused

the death of a child as well when he ran away from him Everyone deserves a second chance Godfrey not guilty, just saying Everyone deserves a second chance This podcast has taken some fucking with the

Ergo Muslims whoop throwing fruit at nursery children whoop oh yeah he did kill a child though

I'll move on then Karl thanks for that let me just delete that everyone deserves a second chance so I'll probably go with Purple Achey

and I'll probably try and talk some sense into him and say leave the fucking kids alone lad you know what I mean he's a sex offender yeah I'll probably say to talk some sense into him and say leave the fucking kids alone lad you know what I mean he's a sex offender yeah

I'll probably say to him like just stop fucking grabbing kids cocks and that you know what I mean did he actually did he actually grab a kids cock no he makes like men like do press ups on the man's back and he grabs him and like

yeah I think he gets it can you just there's two talk to a non-scouser I need to know without all these weird urban myths. Okay, I'll tell you the truth, Dan. Who is Purple Hockey?

Purple Hockey is a guy who gets sexually aroused. He lives in Liverpool. He's known around Liverpool. Everyone in Liverpool knows who Purple Hockey is. Now, he gets sexually aroused off men's muscles, right, and touching them. You know, people have weird fetishes. You might have some yourself, Dan, I don't know. I've got a few.

Yeah, yeah. So his weird... Like gang bangs. His... What? His weird fetishes is men's muscles and squeezing them and touching them and, like, sweaty, you know, big, like, muscly men.

That's what it is. But when you were little, you were threatened, like, oh, if you do that, Purple Hockey big muscly men. That's what it is. But when you were little you were threatened like, oh if you do that Purple Hockey he'll come and get you. I got told if you said Purple Hockey three times in the bathroom he turns up in your shed. If you ever need proof that Liverpool is its own little country there's no bogeyman, there's Purple Hockey.

He is, and he's real lovely. Well he was peg-leg as well wasn't he in Colomendi when you still go to Colomendi. Fuck sake Tony. We just talked about the Patreon. So if you're not already a patron, you've missed out on this chat. Go get that shit. Lad, the legend was that peg-legged was going to get you, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I wrote peg-legs going to get you in one of the wardrobes and had to clean all the wardrobes because I got caught by the teacher. Yeah, that was scary that time. You know, mate, when you're in Colomendi and you didn't like your dorm or you meet some school and someone goes, fucking peg legs on his way

and you're like, fuck that. We went to the Louvre. Fucking Paris. Very different educational experience. Yeah. Yeah, but you're not that far away from us, are you, Dan?

You know what I mean? I thought you might have caught up on some of our lingo. Preston. Yeah, it's not that far no it's not I just lived off Liverpool Road

in Preston do you think someone from the outside then or yourself do you think do you know when people take the piss out of me when I say pool

and everyone's like oh pool I get it's the you can tell we're pool

school school do you think we're different because we know we are different mate come on. You're old Lancashire.

Liverpool's old Lancashire. But Liverpool is so different from where I grew up. And I grew up driving on the old Liverpool road. You're in Liverpool in 40 minutes, 35 minutes. It could not be more different. If people don't know the northwest of England, Manchester, Liverpool are the main cities. But I'm from a town that basically forms a triangle,

like, with Liverpool and Manchester and then Preston. And that drive towards Manchester, yeah, of course, it's like it's a different part of the northwest. But you're basically going into the bigger version of you. So Preston into Bolton, into Manchester. And then you go the other way and it goes Preston into... All right! You basically go past some nannies in Southport

and then everything changes. It's a big difference, I think. What do you reckon that is, though? Because Manchester people are similar to us, but we're totally better, you know what I mean? So... What's the difference difference we're nothing to do with Manchester Preston's nothing to do

with Manchester no I'm saying why do you think that is we're different though like the big cities but then again Liverpool

do you think it's like because of generation thing where because people like haven't got money and stuff like that do you think that's what it is

I think a big part of it is that Liverpool has got a strong Irish heritage it's very very scouse like most people in Liverpool are scouses there's not many

outsiders who come to live there and not many people leave Manchester's got a big Irish population as well but it's not the same yeah but Manchester's also more of a metropolis

isn't it? there's more people from other places that live in Manchester and have sort of like Liverpool tends to be like 4th, be like fourth fifth sixth generation of living in liverpool manchester's not necessarily like that the the weird thing is with manchester liverpool they totally part of the same thing because without one the other didn't get rich in the industrial

revolution they needed each other one was the port and one was the fucking factory mills and everything wasn't it um yeah but i'm from like shitty preston where if you when i was starting out in comedy when i gigged in liverpool for the first time liverpool loves taking the piss out of you're fucking william and you do you feel it like you get there and like liverpool just sees us like this slightly like i've come down the road and you've got big buildings. There's like five floors of buildings and you've got a travel lodge. That's how it feels as a Prestonian coming to Liverpool. You can tell everyone's like, fucking knob. I love it though, man.

I really fell out of love with Liverpool. Has your opinion changed then since you've met? Since Hot Water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's changed my opinion with Liverpool. Has your opinion changed then, since you've met? Since Hot Water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's changed my opinion of Liverpool. Laura takes the piss out of me because when we met, I was ready to give up on Liverpool.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm not talking as a city, I'm talking, because the only... As a comedy place. As a comedy place, because my love of it had been ground down gradually

by gigs that I didn't enjoy. Rawhide was there it disappeared into the ether after a few efforts and then baby blue was down at the albert dot this is when i met you 10 years ago but it got worse and worse and worse and my experience of gigging in liverpool was just it's the same we were just talking about another city that i don't particularly look forward to gigging it it's because of the gig isn't it it's because of who runs it how it's run

and I was done and the other day she was taking the piss out of me because I've started saying lad around the house because we

because we had John May on and it's just got in my head like lad lad so I've and Laura goes around calling people rats now it's like

yeah so if you're not Scouse or if you don't listen to this podcast rat is an awful thing to say it's a horrible way to say it Laura's using it in conversation with family she's a rat and you can tell people

but our whole household has become more Scouse and she's like it's funny innit because when we met you were nearly done with Liverpool and now my whole life is like

I'm with these lids all the time I get so desensitised I think to like insults like calling someone a cunt is such a big thing to some people

and I'd call me dad that like no problem do you know what I mean but the thing with that is it's a it's a swear it's a swear word, isn't it? And it's like, so you're fighting all the same.

You're like, that's a bad word. And anyone who goes, it's a bit of a see you next Tuesday, you are a cunt. But I had someone go, oh, my God. A gig went, oh. Some of your language was a bit, I mean, you even used the war against terror. Some words.

And that was their word for twat Yeah Yeah Of the war against Yeah because I'd said twat That was one of their bad words So to say twat They'd started saying the war against terror But when like rat's not a swear word

It's just a slam innit Yeah And to some people that's like You're a rat You're a rat you it's just a slam innit yeah and to some people that's like you're a rat you I'd say that to Carl if he like

had me last rolo do you know what I mean the best thing about Liverpool oh yeah is that we take words that don't mean much and turn them into words that mean a lot

you know what I mean yeah like fuck off it's fucking phone phone's blowing up it's silent lad is that Phil Schofield

I've loved you since I was I met that I've seen you just said hang on but it's any city with a strong sort of

identity it's the same with Newcastle isn't it Newcastle's got those like if you're from West London and you're and you've never been to Newcastle

it's been done on purpose it's not by accident that it's just it's a tribal thing of like we're them this is us you're them and we speak like this and it's the same for like this is so white person being like but i remember seeing uh doc brown's bit about like like gangster talk in london yeah and about he was like explaining what everything meant and then he's like the fact that i'm explaining this on tv there'll be kids in south london watching it going fam like you're out of it yeah there's new words now and it's basically like it's like a if you don't know the update you're out of the gang so if you don't use these new, you're out of the gang. So if you don't use these new words,

these new turns of phrase, that shows that you're not one of us. So people go to Newcastle and go, what the fuck are these people talking about? And it's a way of them going, nah, we're fucking different. I think it's the same in Liverpool. Like you have this,

you have this thing where you can tell even a scouser who'd been away for 20 years came back and didn't know these updates. Like you've been away yeah yeah yeah you're different good friend of ours on the podcast Alfie Brown really good mate of mine he's writing at the minute a

sitcom of sorts about a guy it's sort of semi autobiographical about himself about a guy who really, really, really loves Liverpool and wants to live in there and moves there and ends up living with a scouser who he just, like, he really wants to be made to.

And he sort of, he told you about this, hasn't he? He sort of pegged me as to play that guy if it ever gets made. And he just wants to be a scouser. Because that's what Alfie is so... Have you met Alfie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very well spoken, as anyone who watched the Patreon episode that he was on knows.

Very well spoken. He sounds like he's fallen out of an English literature exam, doesn't he? But if he could, he would be a scouser. If you could just wave a magic wand and make him a scouser, and he spoke like one, and he lived there, and he was part of... He would absolutely do that because his family are from liverpool and like he was taking me through

like uh some of the the the writing he's done for it and he's like so uh yeah so i've just got like i'm making sure i'm getting a lot of the right link and there's even he's got what you're talking about about like with those south london kids like you don't know the new iteration of the words. Like he'd written down the word jarg for like fake trainees. Yeah, but it's blag now. Are they fucking blag? And I was like, you can't,

you wouldn't say jarg anymore. So he needs an update. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because his granddad or his ma had gone, oh, like in Liverpool, they call fake stuff jarg. But they haven't lived here for 15, 20 years. And then like black culture, you don't go around going, bro, bro.

You're like, bruh. If you don't, 10 years ago, you wouldn't know that update. It's a territorial thing of going, this is ours. You've got to know all of these things. Otherwise, you're not part of our tribe. Yeah, I think Liverpool's amazing and I'm so glad that hot water did what it did

otherwise this podcast might not be where it is because I would have maybe stayed and the stars align the stars align have you got to have a word

shall we do a have a word have we got time what are we on oh we're doing all right aren't we have you got to just staff my buttons.

It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems. Tony can't hear it. This is gonna be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10% sound, sound, sound, sound. What are we doing? What is the question?

Who is it from? Let's tell it to Tony. So, this other word is from Ben. Say, hi, Ange, Dorothy, Callum. Hello, Ben. Callum and Norway. Just wondering, who's Norway? Hi, Ange, Dorothy, Callum and Norway. Fucking hell.

Maybe like Finland. Norway is Finn. Finland, maybe. Finland, Norway. Finland, Norway. All right, Maybe like Finland. Norway is Finland. Finland, maybe? Finland, Finland. All right, okay. We figured it out. Just wondering if you can have a word with my shithouse brother

who goes through my room and steals money and other possessions almost daily. He's been told and told and never stops. I've installed... This is bad. I've installed a camera

to catch him doing it and have a load of footage to do what I please with. I want to get a gaff closer to work and rent anyway but my parents are saying I should put up with it till I have a deposit saved. Any advice on how to deal with a little rat?

Cheers for the live shows on Sunday the 20th. It was amazing being in the room and I can't wait for the next one. That's 20th it was amazing being in the room and I can't wait for the next one that's from Ben put a lock on the door get a lock

lock him out we invented them years ago didn't we very simple solution if he can't get into the room he cannot get the money I wonder if there's a reason

there's not a lock there must be a reason is it just it's just going to be like Pikey Palace and his brother's going to smash the door down? Just booted in anyway. Five lads doing coke. She said he's done it more than once, then, yeah?

So this isn't happening all the time. Stealing off his brother. Well, she needs to source. Is it she, is it? No, it's a guy called Ben, yeah. He needs to fuck a man up a bit, doesn't he? And have a little word with his brother, doesn't he? I think if you were looking for sympathy, Ben,

you really emailed the wrong podcast yeah you're not going to get it mate you're talking to three scousers now who are like shut up that's your victim

you need to beat him till he cries roll your fanny back up put it in your neck Ben don't be a victim mate don't be a victim

next time he does it stab him I also think wow yeah is that how you ended up living with your grandad yeah

look like I mean it's Is that how you ended up living with your grandad? I mean it's a pretty simple one isn't it? Have you ever had any trouble with Jack? Robbing money off me? No No but you It's too far that isn't it? Of course He's had some

Jack's a fucking gobsmack You've met Jack haven't you? He's a fucking little dick He's not stealing money off you though, is he? No. There's a line. There is a...

I haven't got a brother but I'm like, that's fucking dodgy. If Jack'd done that to me I'd beat the living shit out of him. I'd have actually battled him.

I'd have had to fill you in. I'd use a bat. I'd use a bat. You need to ask him, like, it spends how old do you think they are? How old do you think they are?

They're young, aren't they they they're living with a mam the fact that he's there must be a reason there's not a lock there must be a reason there's not a lock because he's installed a camera

who goes right I need some CCTV footage rather than a lock so he can use it as he pleases or something sounds like he's going to clap his he pleases or something sounds like he's going to clap

me on something doesn't he sounds like he's going to wank using it are you alright it's just a really weird way of coming

out yeah I think he needs to go hey stop stop stealing me money I know you're doing it just

batter him do you need a beating Adam this is how this plays out Ben's decided he's going to take your advice just batter him he needs a beating Adam this is how this plays out Ben's decided he's going to take your advice and he's just going to bang him what do you do?

wait come down in the morning he's having his rice krispies do you go hey you've seen the film Scum right or

do you just out of nowhere snooker ball in a sock wow get up in the greenhouse what if you've not got snooker balls what can you a sock wow get him in the greenhouse what if you've not got snooker balls what can you use table tennis

balls get him in the greenhouse table tennis balls eventually this will hurt you just buy

some snooker balls don't you or golf balls or get him in the greenhouse or wrap a chair down his head

put a lock on the door and say lad stop stop robbing me money you don't have to go and buy his nuka balls no

because then he hasn't learnt his lesson yeah but you have to reason if he's never mentioned it to him before he needs to be like lad what are you doing here if he does it again then then back off

beat the shit out of him and then go lad that's because you robbed me money if he's not mentioned it he needs to say something I think he has mentioned it and has basically said Ben you're a victim

and I'm robbing you money and that's why he's doing this then buy his nuka balls if he's doing it and his brother has just basically said Ben you're a victim and I'm robbing your money and that's why he's doing this Dan buy snooker balls if he's doing it and you beat the shit out of him and then go that's because you

robbed me money and then he'll go I didn't and go lie to me one more time I'm going to lick you with the snooker balls again and then he'll go I didn't rob your money

and then you show him the video and then twat him with the snooker balls while he's watching it do you think you're harder in your head than you are in real

life because you do talk the talk with the violence like, I'd just fucking twat him, break his arm, snap it off. I'd rub it in my ass, his broken off hand, and then I'd run the finger up his own nose. If you've got snooker balls in a shot, I'll do you. Right, I've got the fucking answer. Ben, listen, mate, add me on Instagram or Twitter.

That's how you get a following. That's how he sells out a hot war on a Tuesday. TonyCarol14, message me privately, and if you want me to, I'll come round and have a word with him. Tony, why is the number 14 in your Instagram name? It's born on the 14th. It's my favourite number. Okay.

What's your favourite colour? Oh, pink. I mean, red. Whatever Philip Schofield's wear is. Grey. Oh, Ben, I can't believe your brother's nicking. No, seriously, Ben, we're only joking. He doesn't need filling in.

No, no, no, whoa. Answer the question. Ben, if you need anything or you want to reach out, add me on Instagram or Twitter and we can talk about this. And if you want me to have a word with your brother who's robbing you, then that's fine with me. Or if you just want to have a word with your brother who's robbing you then that's fine with me or if you just want to have a chat

or you want to open up then Tony it's not that real you're like come round we'll sort it out I feel bad now

we can start a bubble we can start a support bubble yeah you can open up to me and speak to me and what's going on I think he needs a punch in the face doesn't he

yeah he needs a pat oh after all that you're going to be with me call me a fucking god snooker ball sn him. Oh, after all that you're going to eat with me. Call me a fucking god snooker ball. Snooker ball in

a sock. Yeah. You're literally going to, hi mate, you're going to fucking Sports Direct. Can I have two

snooker balls, please? We actually sell them in a set. I don't want all of them, I just need two. No, you just get

them all so it doesn't arouse suspicion. Never buy a baseball bat without buying a baseball. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what are we going to do about my love life, by the way? Oh, it's trumped. That's my love life trumped up. I think we should, I think you should to this camera, sell yourself and tell us what you're looking for in a lady. So, ladies and gentlemen, our

esteemed guest on this week's episode is obviously the fantastic, the handsome, the beautiful, the successful business mogul, Tony Carroll. Business mogul, I like that. And he is looking for love and he is going to tell you right now, right down this camera, what he's looking for in a woman and what he's got to offer you. And if you want to date him, let him know below and we will pick the winner. And one of you will get to smoke his pipe. Fucking boffed. I haven't.

I saw you do it. Adam. I haven't. I saw and heard you do it. I haven't. You're a lying bastard. Smell that. Awful.

Oh, that is fucking rank. Right, okay. Listen, try and get laid quickly because that is grotesque. Hi, I'm Tony Carroll, age 28, from Liverpool. I'm looking for a nice woman who will share my big character with. Jesus Christ. I love Philip Schofield, so I hope you do too. Add me on Instagram or wherever. If not, I don't care.

What age range are you looking for, Tony? 22, 23. Are you going down? To what? Yeah. To what? Is that the oldest or the youngest? That's the oldest.

No, that's the youngest. Yeah, the youngest would probably be 22, 23. How old's your oldest? Probably, yeah, younger than me, probably be 22, 23. How old's your oldest? Probably, I don't want to go, like, I think the girls my age are quite damaged, so. Get that out of you.

Get them when they're young. Get that out of your Tinder bio, son. Get them when they're young and mould them into what you want them to be. Yeah. Manipulate women into loving you want them to be. Yeah. Manipulate women into loving you. It's called groupies.

I'm joking. Yeah, I'm looking for love. So if you like what you see, which obviously you do, I'm big sexy. And see you soon. I'm off for a wank. I need a poo.

I know, you do. Thanks for tuning in thanks to Tony Callum coming in extra episode every week on patreon.com slash have a word pod and merch available at haveawordpod.com

we'll see the patrons on the patron exclusive episode next Wednesday and we'll see the rest of you next Friday fuck off bye Felicia bye Felicia