Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #103 with Josh Jones - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

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You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. at patreon.com slash have a word pod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn.

Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Jar, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pom-pom look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Are you sure you're ready? I'm ready. I was brand ready.

Born ready. Fucking knackered me. Oh yeah? Got a puppy, haven't I? Right. Got a little puppy. Little puppy bags. I think you're talking to the wrong cunt here, mate.

You're talking to a parent and you've never given me any sympathy about being tired. And now you're here with your puppy chat going, I feel very tired. Yeah, but a puppy's worse than a baby, isn't it? here with your puppy chat going, oh, Danny, I feel very tired. Yeah, but a puppy's worse than a baby, innit? I've got a puppy who woke me up once, scratching. No, like, she was howling, like, at the moon, like a fucking wolf.

Right. Everyone warned me, beagles, a little cunts in the dead mouthy, and I was like, mine won't be. Fucking is. Yeah. This is where the Adam Rowe, don't take our advice off no one, fucking school of

school of hard knocks bullshit mine's gonna be so fucking hard yeah uh she's lovely little lola yeah little lola i was gonna call her kobe but then i fell in love with a girl and i needed a name and lola just come to me. A lemon Lola. Lovely name. Yeah. Cute fucking dog. And my cute daughter needs a sit-down with that dog. Okay. It's like, I've been watching a lot of Sopranos recently. When shit goes down, they have a sit-down. My daughter is keen on the idea of touching your dog.

So... She can meet her. Oh, my God. Social distance. I'm not joking. You can't socially distance puppies and toddlers. Oh, she's not really a toddler.

Yeah. She's fucking nearly four. She'll love it as well. She's dead like... Like, Carl come in and select her and then pick the dog up with me and then come to mine,

help me as always, as he always does, help me tidy the house up, get her ready for the dog, cleaned out the cupboard under the stairs. Like a good wife does. The little dog bedroom.

And then you just held hands in a little tear. Look at what we've brought into the world for two and a half grand. No, a lot cheaper. Did you get a discount? Yeah. NUS? Yeah. Did you use your student discount?

Yeah. What, did you get a Groupon? You didn't get a Groupon, dog. No, I walked in to the place did you get a Groupon? You didn't get a Groupon, dog. No, I walked in to the place where you get the dogs. Right. Which we won't name. Okay.

And they just went, fucking hell, it's Rowey Bags. No, come on. Yeah, going to give them fucking... Come on. No, they went fucking Rowey Bags from the fucking nationwide, aren't they? No. They're giving them a fucking free dog. Oh, so that's how they run their business. Oh, that lad's been

on telly. He's got telly money. Give him a discount. No, it was just a cheaper dog. I didn't get like a Cavapoo. I got a Beagle.

Yeah, you got one on offer. Well, they're little cunts so that they can't charge as much for them. He went in the discount bin.

The one that was howling like, howl! Should be sound. 40% off. Oh, I love that one. Howl! Yeah, a lot cheaper and it's a good job really because, yeah, howl, howl. It should be sound. 40% off. Oh, I love that one. Howl, howl, howl.

Yeah, a lot cheaper and it's a good job really because, yeah, I couldn't afford it. Right, you made a saving. Yeah, made a saving. She's got it on the credit card. It's the most ridiculous. I don't know anyone

who's bought a dog. I had one mate that bought a fancy car. It was beautiful and it was like a bell end. Yeah. But I don't know anyone who's bought a dog.

I don't, like, I'm not comfortable with the fact that they did it to be honest with you I'd rather rescue but it's done now and you know

she can't be going anywhere that was an amazing moment where Adam wrestled with his morals like I'm not comfortable with it

I'd have rather rescued I mean I fucking didn't I turned up well there wasn't any to rescue I know we've been

through this you don't have to apologise you've fallen in love with the dog and I've seen the pics she picked me Well, there wasn't any to rescue. I know, we've been through this. You don't have to apologise. No, but I feel like I do. You've fallen in love with the dog. She picked me. And I've seen the pics. She picked me.

Do you know what I mean? We were there. I was looking at a King Charles Cavalier and I was like, maybe I'll get that. And then in the corner, there was just a little beagle looking at me and I went over and she was just biting me and licking me and she was like,

I want to come in. There was other dogs trying to get to me and she was like, get out the way. Fuck off. Oh my God. Hey, hey, hey. She's a psycho. Let's dad all right great now you made that connection that's what you need i imagine yeah and then she she come home in the car in carl's arms and then uh yeah you too yeah you too guys yeah and uh yeah I hope she's alright today

because obviously she's a little bit worried about her it's her first time away from her I've left you know I've cracked the window as in I've got a big car hey

come on but you do know all bands aside does it feel is it nice she's great I'm saying all bands aside that's such a bullshit caveat

because I'm not going to be like, I'll be dead genuine now. But do you feel, is it? She's lovely. She's great. And she fucking stinks when she farts.

Like worse than me. You know like It's so much like having a kid. Yeah. It really, really is. But like harder because they can't,

they find it more difficult to tell you what they want because it's not the same species. Yeah. A kid can be Yeah, like babies can say, I'm dead hungry. You're right, it's just totally different.

Species? Yeah. It's not the same species. Is that the right term? Yeah, a dog and a human. No, I know they're not the same thing. I thought species was inside a type of animal, like a species of spider.

No. Well, you're talking to the ministry of idiots here, so I don't know what you expect. Like, actually, Carl, let me break down species, breed, race. Yeah. Type. I thought she was going to be a bit nervous,

but the second we got her home... Oh, yeah, she loved it. She was just fucking great. She had a shirt on the carpet. Yeah. I haven't got a carpet, but I've got a rug and a shirt on that. It's, again, quite similar to...

Yeah, or harder. Much more difficult. Yeah. I just, like, don't be expecting any... I'd have to walk my daughter. Can't walk her for a couple of weeks, actually. She needs to get her fucking stabs. Oh, she needs to get a COVID vaccination.

Yeah. Wow, that's how expensive this dog is. It's before my fucking mother-in-law in the line of vaccinations yeah well she needs to get vaccinated so she can go for a little walk and what's what's the level of joking we can do about the dog you know because we are pretty vile about each other's uh parents grandmas but i get this feeling that we're not joking about the dog what are you gonna joke about fucking me dog? Someone needs to. But is that really my role in this whole thing? Like, let's track back through the 102 episodes.

It's never me, like, leaning into that shit. But I just, I bet, I bet. What sorts of jokes do you make? I wouldn't do it. I'm just saying. What jokes do you want to make about me dog? No, I see. You're getting like, right.

No, I will be sound about it. But let's just, there's some rules. Yeah, your mum and your nan, fuck that We make jokes about that But no, fucking, she's cute, beautiful No, I just want to know what sort of jokes you want to make No, I'm not going to do any You want to finger me, dog?

Is that what you think I meant? Yeah That's not the kind of jab she needs Yeah No, I'm not, I'm not I just, you know That's not the kind of job she needs. Yeah. No, I'm not. I'm not. I just, you know, I'm very respectful of you as a new parent.

Yeah. As both of you as new parents, you know, because Carl is a big responsibility. Uncle Carl, yeah. Uncle Carl. Trying to convince his ma to get one. Yeah. I have two little beagles. Lola. What are you going to call her?

Showgirl. Lola. Her name was Lola. And you going to call her? Showgirl Her name was Lola And this is Showgirl Are you going to get a two grand beagle just to do a bit? I can't really afford it but It's just such a good joke No I want to call either Jeff

Or Bruce Yeah Bruce is a good one Bruce is a great name for a dog After your favourite action hero? Fiona Bruce. Finn, have you got any pets? Have you ever had pets? Are you from a pet family?

It's a bit of a sensitive subject, Dan, but we'll do it. The cat? You know why? He's just being fucked off, hasn't he, by his missus, because she bought a cat. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry a cat. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I forgot there was a...

It's okay. My family also have a cat that I'm allergic to, so it's just... Are you welcome anywhere? No, not really. Jesus Christ, Finn.

Yeah, I went off to uni and they straight away bought a cat and was like, don't come back. That's not your room anymore, Finn. She sleeps in my room when I'm not there. anymore, Finn. That's the cat's room.

She sleeps in my room when I'm not there. Mate, can we talk about, my neighbours have got two dogs. They are large, barky dogs. We saw them out on a walk last week. We went for a walk and just by chance, Chester's not massive, they were parking up and Laura's face was like, oh God,

because they're so barky and mental at home. And I could see laura think this isn't going to be safe walking around the country park in chester and then they got out and they were absolutely sound because they're away from their house they were sound but fuck me at home they are the loudest stupidest barky dogs and they sleep in the bedroom next to my room so just in the middle of the night for no fucking reason is it a bark or a yap? no it's like they are huge dogs

I just don't like a yap it's so the both of them they set each other off so it's not like a it's literally it's the level of barking I'd expect from if a dog if you could see a dog's workings, like, I would reasonably allow that much barking.

If a guy came in with, like, an axe and a fucking hockey mask, that... Like, definite murder is about to happen. And it's just every night about 3.30, 4 in the morning. Is it me being a dick to get annoyed about that? A, why are they barking like dick to get annoyed about that? Well, A, why are they barking like that?

What's going on? And could you fucking move them, move them over to the other side of the house? to have dogs and children? Because you're like, why are they barking like that? Eventually,

when a child's older, you can figure it out. You'd move them though, wouldn't you? You'd move them to a room that isn't adjoining the house next door. Oh, you're in a semi-detached,

aren't you? Yeah. Just go and get them on that side of the fucking house. It would depend really, wouldn't it, on how much your neighbours like you. Well, it seems sound

as we're walking around the park, like, oh, this isn't such a coincidence, isn't it nice? But apparently, no, fucking every morning 4 a.m pissing me off yeah man what's going on at 4 a.m they're like every night just fucking do my

idea before so just like trying to ignore it yeah i'll give that a try that's what i do what i'm doing when i'm asleep, I should just, just before it wakes me up and I've got industrial fucking earplugs in, I should think, ah, Dan, just ignore this and stay asleep. You fucking rat. Oh, God. What time does Lola start barking?

I've got something. Do you know, we've done 150 episodes of this shit and there's so many times I I got something. Do you know, we've done 150 episodes of this shit and there's so many times I've said something inappropriate to you and it's like

water up and ducks back. And when I said that then, you looked at me like, you're the biggest fucking cunt on the face of this earth. Oh, just ignore it then.

Things fucking with your sleep, though. Yeah, I haven't had a good sleep. I really haven't. And that's going to be a while innit yes

it's like how long what's the time scale on dogs and just chilling out and not being balanced I think it's like

three or four days I hope so anyway you reckon you'll be sorted by Tuesday it's probably about three or four months getting

no it's not four months it better not be four months can I just say tomorrow we record our second in studio lockdown lock in socially distanced and I

it will be available exclusively on Patreon this Friday patreon.com slash have a word pod if you're not already signed up go and do that now it's going to be me

Danny and Johnny Bongo and last time we did it it was just me adam and carl it was the most fun i had in the second half of 2020 yeah uh which isn't beating much is it because it was a bit of a dog shit yeah but uh i'm really a nervous because johnny bongo's coming in and you know when like you're going on a stag do and then someone's got a mate and they're like yeah yeah yeah, Nathan's a fucking psycho.

It's got me a little bit nervous because I want to not be horrifically ill, which I know is probably going to happen, but I also know I'm the bellend who will be like, all right then. So I'm a little nervy, but how is your hangover going to go with a puppy that, oh, mate, that's made me like, ooh, for you.

Yeah. Look, I've just got a dealer, haven't I? And maybe I'll ask someone from my support bubble to come and help. That bubble? Yeah, I love that bubble. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Email in if you want to be in the bubble And look after the dog Yeah Did you see Something happened yesterday That made me think about The podcast and my future health Nigel Ung Nigel Ung

Nigel Ung Who does Uncle Roger Uncle Roger Hello niece and nephew It's Uncle Roger. Uncle Roger. Hello, niece and nephew. It's Uncle Roger. Now, we can do that voice because it's copying a Malaysian guy doing that voice. So it's fine, isn't it?

Yeah. But Nigel Ong... It's also a really good mimic of it, actually. I'm actually really good at it. Yeah. Can't be racist if you nail it. What? I mean, that's one of the rules. I don't need a nephew, it's Uncle

Roger. He did a video, put it on the old fucking YouTube, got three million followers or whatever. He's just absolutely smashing it. And it had in it a little bit of slagging off of China

yeah had a guy on that's on like China's shit list I think it's called Michael Chen who has talked about the

Mickey Muslims and also about Uyghur Muslims Uyghur Uyghur Uyghur Muslims Uyghur

Muslims Uyghur Muslims It's like Uyghur Muslims but with a J Uyghur. Uyghur. Uyghur Muslims. Uyghur. Yeah. Muslims. Uyghur Muslims. It's like Uyghur Muslims, but with a J. Uyghur. Muslims. Uyghur Muslims. Okay, I've got it. Yeah.

I'm saying it. Uyghur. Muslims. Yeah. And China complained and got in, I don't know if they went via YouTube or went straight to Nigel Ng's management, but Nigel Ng has been on Weibo to apologise for any offence caused.

Oh, Jesus. Like, China is so fucking picky. Like, oh, no no that's out of order can't have comedians taking the piss out of China and they've gotten his ear enough and he's shit it enough and China are fucking horrible enough fuck China

yes Adam yes he's had no sleep he's got a puppy but he's still not bowing down to China I love China mate why do you like China? shut up Carl

you fucking rat I had Chinese last night Mate I literally just thought of us Could you imagine if I get poisoned By the Chinese government Are we ever going on Weibo And doing an apology

No we're fucking not For calling them horrible cunts What's Weibo? Stop fucking killing the muzzies And we won't have a go at you It's Simple That was like

The way you worded that It was like the EDL And added like Change of heart Right You fucking knobheads Right Immigrants

Are alright The sound Do you know what I mean Fucking grow up Yeah Like You know what I mean Stop being nasty

They're just trying to go about the day I would love to get to the amount of Patreon subscribes it takes to apologise to a country. I mean, it's not a problem you've got at 10,000 subs. How did, when you say China complained, do you mean the Communist Chinese Party?

Who do you, who's the other option? Like the whole population? I don't think he got 1.7 billion emails. Jesus Christ. The whole of China turned into a car and went, this is out of order. I'm going to get on the internet.

If only I could fucking send an email out of this shit old country. Yeah, the internet's bad in there, isn't it? In China. No. No, but like a lot of it is. It's monitored. I said that when I went to Dubai. There's two Chinese lads in the audience at the gig.

I was like, where are you from? China. And I went, have you just come to use the internet? And they died laughing, and everyone else was like, nope. Have you seen how they monitor it in North Korea? What do you do? If you're lucky enough to have a laptop, which is quite rare, the laptop

randomly takes screenshots throughout the month. And at the end of the month, the police come and it's a file that you can't access. Oh my god! Oh my god. Why don't they just order laptops that don't do that? What?

North Korean curries. Yeah. Argos. You're going to North Korea in Argos. Like, lad, I don't want one of them non-C1s that watches you. Just give us a normal one. Give us a Dell. Come on.

Imagine sitting there with the police, though, and you've been watching us a normal one. Give us a death. Come on. Imagine sitting there with the police though and you've been watching porn and they see the screenshots of it. Oh, of course. There'll be so many. What, does it take ten a day?

Ten pics a day or something just to randomly take pics? You don't know when it's taken it. Oh. And it goes into a file and you can't access it. Oh, what would yours be? Mine would be

Gmail, Facebook, Patreon, porn, Patreon, porn. That's what happens when we get more subs out of a wank. God, it's gone up by ten. I don't know. Horrific. Yeah, be audible. Yeah.

Do you know when I was in... I'm quite comfortable with my search history. Good input. Thank you for that. Absolutely. Do you for that. Absolutely. Do you want to lie down? Do you want to have a nap? Adam, are you there? What the fuck?

Oh, I think it's fine. Here's other normal statements from Adam Rowell. Yeah. I went to Bahrain, and they are a bit fiddly about the internet over there, aren't they? You can't look at port. You can't just go on. Are you all right with this juice?

You seem confused by the top and the flavour. Like, I've looked over three times and you're like, do you know what it is? It's too fruity. Do you know what it is? It's spinny.

So, see the way the label lines up? Right. If I close it without the label lining up, it's doing me a din. Oh, that's fair enough. So, like, when it's like that.

Oh, no, that doesn't look right. You see? Oh, yeah. I thought you were being a bellend,'s like that... Oh, no, that doesn't look right. You see? Oh, yeah. I thought you were being a bellend, but you're absolutely right. Yeah. That's the wrong way. Oh, God.

The worst game show ever. Yeah. O-C-D! Our next contestant is still washing her hands! Yeah, but... Yeah? So, China... yeah but yeah um so china if you got a bit of ocd is that what's happening there a little bit i think we've we've diagnosed add enough and then we've had emails of going people yeah no adam's definitely got a bit of it but have you got oh oh cd a little bit uh a little bit but like if you looked at my house you would never know you've not got the ocd

that helps keep everything clean and tidy no i just need labels to be like that and i mean just tell you like a little bit of symmetry a little bit of order yeah like but you're not like there's a specific order my apps are in on my phone screen oh there you go

like when we were in here I had to make sure all these things were perfectly lined up with each other like on our for anyone on the audio we're talking about

the studio backdrop yeah sometimes we forget how long it's been a while this shelf is exactly the distance from that wall as this is from that wall as this is from that wall uh you know like the symmetry of the soundproofing but that's just good

i don't know that's just good visuals in it yeah it's not ocd people people use ocd incorrectly i'm sure it's quite offensive if you've been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder you're a fucking weird and you're and you're oh now he's awake he's back he's back he's fucking blueberry juice just really kicked in if you've got that and you can't leave the house because you have to check the lock 40 times in a row yeah and then you've got to wash your hands to the point where it's fucking hurting yeah i'm sure when people are like, oh God, I am a nightmare, me. I have to have all the co-angers facing the right way. Honestly, I don't know how I survive my OCD.

You're just being a pernickety cunt, aren't you? I went to school with a lad who's got proper OCD. Like, goes down like 30, 40 times throughout the night to check the ovens off and stuff, even though he hasn't used it for years. Yeah. Yeah. That is... An actual AD actual add you think it's

just like oh you can't concentrate on anything but actually we were reading up of it because a friend of ours i think has got add and it's just the is it me no i think you do have a bit yeah yeah but performative like i'm not as bad as you make me out to be i think you do have a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Performative, like I'm not as bad as you make me out to be. I think you're also a bit bored of me. I think there's an element of that. I think we've talked to each other so much, you're like, oh God, this cunt's talking, which is sort of the point of the pod.

But it's like the inability to just, this is where I don't think you've got ADD. It's people with an inability to just do anything because they get dwarfed by all the options so you know like you've got to tidy your house but you've also got to clean up but then you've got to do that thing on the email and then really you should

go and collect that parcel and if people with ADD suffer to be like, the way they suffer is like oh well I can't I don't know which one to sort of start. Oh, I've got that. I just go asleep. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I've got four things to do, and they're all equally important, none of them are getting done, I'll just scroll on my phone. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've defo got whatever that is.

It's procrastination, though, isn't it, really? But it's, procrastinating is when people just like, chronic procrastination. Oh, yeah, I will get to it, and I'll do that other thing. But this is more like you're overawed by it. You're like, you cannot get it going because you're like, oh, but if I start that thing, I'm not going to be able to start that thing. And then, oh, for fuck's sake.

And it's just like being bewildered by it. Not just being like, oh, I can't be arsed. Like, you're bewildered by all the things you need to do. Like, I've seen that up close, and things you need to do. Like, I've seen that up close and it's hard to watch. Yeah, yeah. I've got that. Do you think if I tell HMRC that I've got that, then I just won't have to do me tax return

because it's a disablement? Just draw a smiley face and crayons like Disablement? Disability. A disablement. I think you might get a discount on your tax return if you just use the word disablement hello my name is Adam this is my tax return I earned some money but I have a disablement here is a boat it's a picture of a boat on the sea

this is my dog her name is Lola but you're not do you not get satisfied just getting those jobs done? No. No? I do. Once they're done. But all of them have to be done before I have any satisfaction. It's scary, isn't it?

Right, hang on. I don't get any satisfaction from job one being done. I honestly thought you were like, I need them all to be done so I can't do one. Yeah. No, but that is it. That's exactly it so like let's say like make it menial right just for now so like i've got to do the dishes i've got to brush

the floor and i've got to clean the bathroom right so once all three are done i'll feel dead satisfied but if i just do the dishes i've i feel no satisfaction that I've ticked one thing off. So, but once that one thing is done, does it not feel like I'm a third of the way there? No. So then all of a sudden, the task seems less daunting. No, it's more pressure, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like, because now I've started, I've got to carry on, but now I need to go on my phone and check this, and then I'll be on that for an hour, and then I'm not getting back off the couch to brush the floor. Why do I need to brush the floor? Who's coming round? It's just me and my dog just you and your dog and your bubble and my bubble yeah yeah I just I fucking love someone emailed in uh and I'll I'll find out who it is after but someone emailed in and said what things that you do that that other people would think are boring do you actually quite enjoy what are the things in your life that you know are like menial it's

not something you'd stick in your tinder bio but you do get quite a lot of satisfaction from yeah and that is that's when i'm absolutely at my absolute i feel like a dad when i'm like right these are the jumps to do and i fucking write my little list yeah and i tick them off like a dad when I'm like right these are the jumps to do and I fucking write my little list and I tick them off like a little nonce and then what I do, this is stupid because I'm not showing my workings to anyone

I write down one of the most easy ones ever, like a simple one to be like first tick done stand up, don't shit yourself tick tick yes that's actually psychologically I've looked into this, I really have. That's actually like a really, really, like for a lot of people, you included, like people will tell you, yeah, put a to-do list together,

and at the top make things that you're just going to do anyway, so that you can tick it off. So like make a cup of coffee in the morning. Oh, I've already done that. Tick. And because you've already got a tick on your list, it makes you feel better. I don't work like that.

Until everything is ticked, I feel just as anxious as when nothing is ticked. Right, but three ticks out of ten doesn't make... No. There's no alleviation. Nine ticks out of ten, no alleviation. So how the fuck do you get ten ticks out of ten? I don't. I just don't do it.

I just wait until my house is messy enough, and then I pay someone to come and clean it. Jesus. Talking about ADD, my fucking... My phone. It's because I've got... Finn, do you want to dash off and pick up our esteemed guest, who we will tell who it is in a bit?

Good lad! Oh, he's a good lad, that Finn, isn't he? Finny bags! Have you got the pass, yeah? Sweet. Oh, he's a good lad That Finn isn't he Finny bags Have you got the pass yeah Sweet Oh he's a good lad Good lad Don't like him no No

He's a good job He's a good lad It's not working out is it He's a horrible racist isn't he How can he be racist He's about 14 different nationalities Yeah but he hates Spanish people What Yeah Oh that's an unusual one isn't. Yeah, but he hates Spanish people.

What? Yeah. Oh, that's an unusual one, isn't it? Yeah. I can't stand Norwegians. That's crazy. Can you not? No.

Do you know any? Yeah, I should. I'm a Nordic cunt. I do. It would be great if people were racist, but towards really random countries. Bulgarians. Yeah.

What about town? Is that Paddington? Is Paddington Bulgarian? Oh, that's Uncle Bulgaria. What's Uncle Bulgaria? Oh, as in the Paddington Bear? Yeah. No, is it Romania?

No, Paraguay? Peru. Peru. Fucking hell. We went round the map. I got close though and it was a piece of South America. He's from deepest, darkest Peru. Peru, yeah.

How the fuck did you get Bulgaria? Uncle Bulgaria. That's what I was getting mixed up. Per, yeah. How the fuck did you get Bulgaria? Uncle Bulgaria. That's what I was getting mixed up. Peruvian. Is he a womble? Earlier in our series, did we come up with racial slayers for countries that didn't already have them,

or have I made that up? If you had a racial dream. That's amazing. It was Cameroon, because he called them the Roonies. Oh, yeah. The Roonies. I knew we'd done that.

You forgot about that, didn't you? I did. What about Peruvian? Pervos. Pervet. Pervos. Pervet. Pervs.

Pervs. Fucking Peruvs. Peruvs. Yeah. What about Pakistanis? Wow. I like gag reflex then. Just turn our mics down.

Adam can roll with this one. Stans. Yeah, that one. Why? Because you're a big fan of them? The game only works if you don't do a country that is predominantly a different ethnicity to you. Welsh? Yeah.

And then also that's a bit like... Fucking dragon shagging. Dragon shaggers? Not on board a ship. That's offensive. You're fucking dragon shagging. It's like the flag, isn't it? Dragon shagging cunts.

Yeah. Bulgaria is like second world country, so you feel a little bit... Bulgars? Yeah. No. What? Got connot world country, so you feel a little bit... Bulges? Yeah. No. What? Got connotations there, innit? No, bulge.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What, like about dicks? No. Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh, I know what you... Mate.

It's where my brain went. Oh my God. The bull heads works. The bull heads. Yeah, the bull heads. Let's do Pakistan. The fuck did we get there? And if you go in, what are they talking about?

Don't find out. Yugoslavia could be the Yugios. Yeah, could be, but it's not a country anymore. Yeah. They're now. You go fuck yourselves. Czech Republic, isn't it? Czech Republic.

Jesus Christ, it's hurting me. What? Do you think Czechoslovakia might have become the Czech Republic? Well, what does Yugoslavia become? Serbia, Montenegro, Bosnia. What can we do with Montenegro? Macedonia, maybe? Montes.

The four Montes. Yeah, they've had a war. I don't know if you clocked it. They got really pissed off. The Sprouts. You fucking sprout. Who? Belgians.

Brussels, innit? Kobe. He's not had enough sleep to do a Kobe. Lola? Kobe? Lola? What about Icelandics? Icepics.

Fucking icepops. You're not even a good one! you're not even a calippo you're the shitty one from the fucking newsagent from the Bulgarian shop can I just say fucking ice pops are so good

it's an absolutely sweltering day and I let it melt a little bit are you trying to do a hard left here Ice pops are so good. Like, it's an absolutely sweltering day. And I let it melt a little bit. Are you trying to do a hard left here? No, no, I'm just... Let's invent racial slits. But what's your favourite way to cool down in the summer? Oh, a blueberry ice pop. Brazilians.

Wow. Brazilians. Brazilians, the nuts. Fucking nutters. The nutters. Yeah. That is such a They're nutters. Yeah. That is such a hard copy. Hey.

It's hard to hate Brazil, though, isn't it? What's different about pubes compared to head hair? You're talking about hard left. What's different about... It's been, like, bothering me for weeks now. Right. Because I can't quite put my hand on it. Did you just link Brazilian to pubes

yeah had you been meaning to do that erm I was trying to Derren Brown one of you's into getting me onto the show

hmm he said nuts didn't he that's where pubes go yeah but what is it and the Brazilian is a a Brazilian yeah

yeah like what's different what do you mean? Like, why does this feel different to that? Why does your beard... That's not your pubes, is it, Adam Love? It is.

Right. Do they feel the same as your pubes? It's your face pubes. Yeah, they are pubes. You don't get them. They're pubic, aren't they? Yeah. Your face...

You don't get them until you go through puberty. Right. Do you want me to Google it? Yeah Your face You don't get them Until you go through Puberty Right Do you want me to Google it I think I think your pubic hair Is in your Is in your Near your pubis

No This is pubes as well Is your beard Pubic hair Why does Pubic hair Feel No

Never mind You're getting too far Into the question Karl Is facial hair pubic hair? I'd say so, yeah. It becomes puberty, isn't it? I genuinely thought it was around your pubis.

Ah, ha, ha. You're not definitely right. It's thicker and more coarse because its origins is a buffer. Oh, so it's to prevent friction during intercourse that can cause skin abrasion. So it's rougher to be smoother. Okay. What are you doing, Dan?

Just fucking talk amongst yourselves. There's two of you. I want to find out if facial hair is pubic hair. When did I get my first pubes? I had a little rat muzzy when I was like 13. Oh, shit. What? I'm on the dick muzzy when I was like 13. Oh, shit. What? On the dick.

Sorry to break it to you, but that beard on your face is technically pubic hair. Yeah. The follicles of beard hair are composed similar to the hair on a man's groin and armpits, according to Dr. Bobby Bucher, founder of Greenwich Village Dermatology. Bobby Bucher. Bobby Bucher. Bobby Bucher. Bobby Buker, founder of Greenwich Village Dermatology. Bobby Buker.

Have you... Bobby Buker. Bobby Buker. Have you just trumped on purpose? I did a celebration for it, yeah. Right, okay. We're wrapping this section up because I'm sick of smelling his boffs.

You have got pubes on your face and you're a smelly man. Oh, dear. See you in a bit. answering the podcast. If you enjoy online betting, get over to bettinggods.com and you can get some great odds on all sorts of sports, horse racing, footy. They do cricket, tennis and golf. But this is the big one.

You can get odds on hockey. So I know everyone that watches Haberwood is a massive hockey fan. Get some online odds for hockey at bettinggods.com. In all seriousness, we're really chuffed to be working with them.

Go and have a look. bettinggods.com in all seriousness we're really chuffed to be working with them go and have a look bettinggods.com back to the episode send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com let's crack on

with this nonsense guess who's back back again the party's back from a break Carl I've got a I've got some correspondence here This is from Indie Clone

On Twitter The gentleman who sent me Pokemon cards not too long ago And he sent a gift for Mr. Rowe Oh It was addressed to you It was addressed to me And you knew what it was and got that excited Because he spoke to me on Twitter the other day

And said what it is So Adam hasn't seen this Dan hasn't seen this but let's show them okay for anyone listening I know

oh is it a birthday thing yeah well you'd assume so otherwise nice one what have you got what is do you know what it

is no you've got no idea what this is honestly he literally doesn't know what it is? No. You've got no idea what this is? Honestly, he literally doesn't know what it is. It's a signed picture of Kevin Webster. Oh! Hey! Oh, my God.

We just said we need something for here. We need something for on the wall there. That is fucking beautiful. We'll put that up. We absolutely will. I can't believe that. He really looks like my dad, you know. Do you know what I mean?

Remember my dad? He does look a bit like your dad. Yeah. And my dad looks like Andres Iniesta as well. I've never seen any of them in the same room. Right, okay. Yeah. It's a wonderful person. He doesn't look loads like Andres Iniesta. When he had short. Right, okay. Yeah. It's a wonderful...

It doesn't look loads like Andres Iniesta. When he had short hair, he did. Yeah. Yeah. He looks like Andres Iniesta is like,

if Japan didn't do him loads of good. Do you know, he is on about £25 million a year to play for... Who does he play for? Colby.

What does he play for? Will he play for Colby? After we get a fucking couple hundred more patrons, lad. You know what I mean? I don't know who he plays for. I what does he play for after we get a fucking couple hundred more patrons lad you know what I mean I don't know who he

plays for I was going to go and watch him if you don't know football Andres Iniesta absolute Spanish wizard

Barcelona a shit ton of trophies a world cup two European championships and then got to the end of his

career legs were going a little bit although that had never been his game And then the Japanese Were like

Why don't we pay you More Than we pay the rest Of the squad Yeah Well have you seen The thing What they're doing in China

Right So Did you see all European players Went to China To get the money Yeah Like Hulk and all them

European teams Yeah It's slowed down though Now hasn't it Because they brought in A new thing where you're only allowed three non-Chinese

players in your entire squad yeah so what a lot of Brazilians have done is change their nationality to Chinese

yeah there's a player there's a player he's a black player with white hair looks dead Brazilian what like Abel Javier

sort of look yeah and his name is Fernando but he's changed his nationality to Chinese and his name is now

Fei F-E-I Nando so they've got round the so he can play for Chinese that's

fucking brutal mad that you never really heard of corruption in China no no or in football

like South American and Chinese football is usually a bastion of fair play is it gonna be like that you never really heard of corruption in china no no or in football like south american and chinese football is usually a bastion of is it gonna be like do you like the way we can call russia's russian cunts do you know i mean that's okay in it because they're not like why are you pressing my buttons right do you know by the way it's not it's not russians yeah not have a problem with individual people. And whenever I'm like, I know it's for the pod, I don't go around fucking my village in Cheshire being like, fucking China.

Like, I just think it's certain regimes and how they treat their people, their foreign policy. If you're watching going, oh, I know a Russian bloke and he's dead nice. I know. I used to live above a Russian couple called Helena and Dmitry and he's dead nice. I know. I'm not... I used to live with a Russian couple called Helena and Dimitri. They were dead nice.

Yeah. But... Right. Here's my question. Right. We can say fucking typical American cunts, Joe, because, like, they do a lot of shit wrong. Yeah? I mean, I don't.

You might. Yeah, but you know what I mean? Like, if I said that, you wouldn't, like, grimace. You'd be like... Do you think... Right, okay. What do you mean? Do you know what I mean? Like, if I said that, you wouldn't, like, grimace. You'd be like, do you think... Right, okay, what do you mean? Do you know what I mean? Right.

There's some countries where you can't... I quite like Americans. What do you mean? Do you mean when... You can't preface horrible cunts with that country's name. Yeah. Well, it's back to the fake racial slur thing. If they're predominantly a different ethnicity to you,

it stops being like, ah, it becomes racial, doesn't it? At what point can we call China Chinese cunts? I don't think you can. Ever? Even if they just keep killing people and that? Right. But I think you've got to make the distinction between the whole of the country, the individual people, people of Chinese heritage,

and that horrible fucking regime. Right. They're cunts. Yeah, okay. So, like... But you do sound a bit EDL if you're like, I tell you who I hate. Chinese cunts. Yeah, that sounds... I'm just wondering, like, back in the day, back in the day, when Hitler

was about doing his thing. About, about. Hello, I'm gonna do a little bit of Nazi history, you know. I'll tell you what about Adolf. He was a fucking mutton. Himmler,

he was from fucking Hartlepool. What do you reckon, like, Chinese people were like fucking German cunts? Because, like, compared to China, Germans are a minority. So do you reckon that was racist um i think if you apply our sensibilities about social politics to other less developed countries you'd be slightly upset because i think westernized values we're still working it out aren't we with what's racist what's offensive what's bigotry in this country in america and whatever

like if you go to somewhere like china i just think what they perceive as i don't even know if they would be aware of racism they'll just be like apparently uh i've had friends who've been to sort of Japan China Korea and on the like on the tram or on the train

and like my mate Sean he's about 6'1 was just in Korea and like people were coming up to me going Bradzilla they were like

Brad Pitt Brad Pitt but like like and then just like coming up not asking to be like yeah the amount of pictures we got with people it was ridiculous which because wherever he was i mean i'm i'm sure it doesn't happen in seoul or one of the like bigger cities but if you're out in the sticks and that they don't see a lot of westernized six

foot one guys they're like like noticeably taller than the average out there they're like you look like bragg pitt there's not nothing going oh i really shouldn't you know because he's a minority in my country probably shouldn't uh sort of racially stereotype him as looking just like brad pitt and because sean's from preston and has never been like Suffered racism He's like yeah yeah They think I look like Brad Pitt But to those Koreans No one's ever gone Whoa whoa whoa

Dude Kim You can't say that to a white person That's really offensive Do you know what I mean? Like I think You can't sort of set our Put our set of rules

I don't think you understand What I mean though Alright okay I don't want to call Someone on a train In fucking Birmingham A Chinese cunt want to call someone on a train in fucking Birmingham a Chinese cunt don't call

anybody on a train a their nationality cunt right I know you're short asleep but you definitely do need to explain this because I feel like

I'm not getting what you mean you know like when you say those American cunts yeah don't know what you mean right okay

so here's the thing right hi Jilly B ready listen no right you ready right so people in another country would generalise Right, okay, so, here's the thing, right. Hi, Jilly B. Ready? Listen, no, right, you ready?

Yeah. Right, so people in another country would generalise about us, yeah? Because of Britain's colonial past, yeah? So they would call you a British cunt. You're just projecting, I don't know. I think what Dan's saying about minority works, because if you say African-American cunt, it's got much different connotations to American cunt, hasn't it? Yeah.

So I think it's the connotation of what race and nationality are actually saying. I don't know why that's relevant. Well, because you're generalising. It's a general... And if you go, oh, those Chinese cunts, Well, because you're generalising. Uh-huh. It's a general... You just... And if you go, oh, those Chinese cunts. Yeah.

Like, there was a worry that it might be perceived as racist. Yeah. You're saying that... But if they are Chinese and they are cunts, because I'm only talking about the cunty ones,

I'm sure most of them are sound. Yeah. Right. But the ones running the country, they were killing everyone and that. And having a go at Nigel and me mate. Right. Like, can't we just call them that?

You can do whatever you want. I think you can run with this baton if you want. But I'd like you to do it on a different podcast. So Adam's got a new project in the pipeline. It's called Those Cunts. And it's where Adam gets a globe out, sticks his finger on a country and goes,

Is it alright to say Pakistani? No, it's not. And that's how you get an email on YouTube. This is China. Have we got any correspondence? Yeah, we have. This is a would- rather from Carrick. Carrick Michael?

It doesn't give his first name, maybe that is his first name, but Carrick. You don't really hate Americans, do you? No. Right.

But some people do. And they would have no qualms about calling them American cunts. Do you think it's more about that person than it is about the country? Like, if you're the

kind of person who just goes, those fucking Chinese cunts, I'm sure you could probably it is about the country. Like, if you're the kind of person who just goes, those fucking Chinese cunts, I'm sure you could probably say it about every country. Yeah. Yeah. But, well, no, not like Sweden. What have they done?

Those Swedish cunts. Yeah. Coming over here, building the furniture factories, selling dime bars. I'm not bothered about Chinese people being here. The ones here are sound. It's the ones running that country

and fucking offing people. Offing the Uyghurs. Yeah. This is from Kerry. I'm with you on that one. I don't know what went on there. You brought that back up! What?

You brought it back up and then you got all fucking hissy. Kerry. Alright, Carlito. I literally don't know what happened. Alright, Carlito. Not so silent, Bob. Deviant Dan and Finland. I have an idea for Would You Rather.

Would you rather be a radio host, like mid to top tier, like Radio 1, or a chat show host on TV? Chat show? Yeah, but not a good one. Because then, obviously, it's not equal, is it? So we've got to give it a bit of a caveat and say... Is it Graham Norton or Nick and I'm sure? Is that what we've been asked?

I think it's a good radio show or a low-level TV. Yeah, what's a low-level? It doesn't matter. It's going to be Eamon Holmes or Nick and I'm sure. I don't want to be Eamon Holmes. That's not a chat show either. Sort of is. No, it isn't.

It's a fucking news show. Yeah. sort of is no it isn't it's a fucking news show yeah I if it's gonna be dog shit I want less people to know it's dog shit but if it's gonna be great you wanna be on TV don't you

because TV's gonna help project like how many more people are gonna if you host something as big and as prestigious as Graham Norton and we've given it

like a lot of credit recently. It is pretty fucking good. I don't think it's cool for comedians like you and me to say Graham Norton's quite a good chat show. That's fantastic. The best on the telly. Well, Sloss did it, didn't he? This week? Or last week? Sloss is on this week's Graham Norton show

after being on the Hathaway couch. There you go, guys. Top quality guests here. You know I'm a big supporter of your career. When you get on Graham Norton, don't do that Chinese cunts thing. I don't think he'll bite. Graham, can I ask you a question? I at no point, by the way...

Hey, Benicio Del Toro, sit down, lad. Sit down. Shut up, Emma Thompson. I've got a question. When can you say... Oh, Chinese cunt Hey Nanny McPhee Pipe the foot down

Listen At no point did I say I want to say that I'm asking When it's going to be accepted He's being a spokesperson What do they have to do For it to not be racist anymore

Do you know what I mean Because like It's fine. Can I say Nazi cunts? Yeah. Why? Why can you say Nazi cunts? Yeah.

Because... Do you reckon back then they said German cunts as well? What, when we were at war with them? Yeah. I'm sure a few people did, yeah. Right. Do you reckon people were like,

don't say that, that's racist. Do you reckon if the Nazis were about now... But 70, 80 years ago... do you reckon people were like don't say that that's racist do you reckon if the Nazis were about now maybe but 70, 80 years ago do you reckon if the Nazis were about now right

in Germany if that was happening now right if that started now but that's the issue isn't it because some people equate what's happening in China to the Nazis

that's exactly my point so what you're asking is what do they have to do for us to go fucking yeah little gob shit mate I've said it on this podcast.

They're horrible cunts. All of them. Another would you rather. Did he literally take me round the houses to get me to be the one that said it? Listen, try and fucking email us. Uncle Roger might be making an apology. I'm fucking not. Grandad Dave is making an apology. I'm fucking not.

Grandad Dave is sticking with it. This is from Meg. I would love to get poisoned by the Chinese government. What? Go on. Are you saying they'd do that? Oh, yeah. Would you rather every time you have a shit...

The cunts. You have to Facebook live the experience. So every time you have a shit, you have to fucking give them the whole shebang. So every time you have a shit, you have to fucking give them the whole shebang. Or every time you have a wank, you have to Instagram the aftermath. What, the spaff? You have to take pictures of yourself

and how you're feeling. I'd rather do the poo. Would you? Come times private. Just a little insight. I went into the work toilet here as Adam was leaving after the Patreon episode. And I just went in for a wee,

which made it absolutely more painful. I am sure I went in the cubicle that you had been in. There was a guy at the urinal, and I was like, there's six cubicles. And not just because of COVID, just because I don't want to be like, oh, there's a guy right there with his dick out. You've got a little willy, haven't you?

And you don't want to see it. It's not, you know, it's not making the dick equivalent of Crufts, mate. It's never going to get best in breed. I might get COVID dick. You know, I've got to watch out. And so I went in a cubicle and I was like, ha, ha.

And I remember Adam had just been in there. It was so bad that I had to ring Carl as he was in the passenger seat of Adam's car to check which cubicle, because I was like, oh, there's only so much a mask can do. Have you heard of people getting COVID, Dick? What?

Go on. What are you laughing at? Go on. People who've had COVID, you know, like long COVID, because there's like long temp... Mine would be short COVID. Go on. People who've had COVID, you know, like long COVID. Because there's like long temp... Mine would be short COVID. Go on.

Some people are reporting their dick looks like a turkey twizzler. Are they? This dog's not doing him any good. Can we do a... Can we do a... Have a word? Yeah, I've got one here. Because we've got tons and I feel like...

I feel like I... Why are we just brushing past Turkey Twizzler Day? You what? Why are we just brushing past all these poor people with Turkey Twizzler Day? So, has this been reported, the old Turkey Twizzler Day? It was on BBC One last night. Was it on BBC One last night? I was watching the One Show.

Yeah? And they led with Turkey Twizzler Dicks. Claire Bolden. Not Claire Bolden. Claire Bolden. What's her name? Claire Bolden. She hosts Bolden. Claire Bolden. What's her name? Claire Bolden. She hosts the one show. Yeah.

On a horse. It's Claire, isn't it? How little sleep have you had? Claire Bolden was there. Fernando Torres was the guest presenter. I had a really weird dream last night. Do you want to hear about my dream? Go on.

I took my dog back, right, with a friend of mine. And I was like, this is my friend. And then my mum turned up. She was like, you don't need to be getting a dog. And then I had that dream like four times throughout the night. And I thought, weird, why was my mum at the dog place? You're asking me to explain your dream? I don't know.

Do you dream about your mum often? No. Do you not? Do you? about your mum often? No. Do you not? Do you? Sometimes it pops up. Yeah. It pops, yeah. It's a weirdly sobering little bit of the podcast,

but your subconscious does mess with you like that. I really, like, I love that dream state where you're like, what the fuck was that about? Like, those random things. And I used to do a bit about it never worked really well but it's almost like your subconscious is just the most random fa cup draw of what your dream's going to be about it's like okay this dream's going to be about this is going to be an exciting one it's going to be tobogganing in oh oh let's have a look singapore and you can, and there's aliens there,

and this is your ex-girlfriend, Nikki. And it's hot. Go. Yeah. Do you talk in your sleep? So Laura has several times told me that it's part of the reason we sleep in separate rooms is because she snores like a fucking walrus, and I laugh. in separate rooms is because she snores like a fucking walrus and i i laugh i she's like she's like it's terrifying like i laugh in my sleep as well in my sleep just go

no and that's that's freaking it yeah the the worst one ever was when i was with my ex-girlfriend we fucking talked about this on one of the very first podcasts. This is when I was seeing a girl called Vicky, who at the time was the love of my life, but we were so, it was so combustible, that relationship, and she was better off without me. I dream about her occasionally. And you're like, oh, come on.

We've been married five years. We've got a kid. And then she just pops up like, remember me? Are you ever worried that you're going to say her name in your sleep? And then Laura's going to be like, who's Vicky? Well, that's the great thing about sleeping in the spare room and having two big fucking R-Tard dogs barking through the night. God, those dogs were like, when they start barking, yeah,

do they say, Vicky, Vicky? Yeah. I talk like mad in my sleep. just like, you cement, when they start barking, yeah, do they say, Ricky, Ricky, yeah. I talk like mad in my sleep, and like, when I used to live with my dad, he said, so, me and our Jack used to sleep with our doors open,

and Jack talks in his sleep as well, and my dad said, it was like we're having a nonsense conversation, because I would leave a pause, and then Jack would fill that pause, with his sleep talk, and then he'd stop, and then I'd start again.

Oh my God. From other rooms. That's literally like, you know, in Step Brothers, and then Jack would fill that pause with his sleep talk and then he'd stop and the night starts again. Oh, my God. From other rooms. That's literally like in Step Brothers when they're sleepwalking together. That film is so stupid, but it works so well. Vicky clocked me doing a voice. Like, in the night I was, like, restless and it woke her up and then i went boys oh dear boys and she was mental so she was like mental enough that that was like she wouldn't

she it was one of those weird relationships where i look back and i'm like oh god i hope she's found happiness but it wasn't going to be with me she woke up right brilliant you came like instead of being like ah that's fucking funny isn't it you went boys i don't know what happened i don't know if i was dreaming about i can't remember but out loud in my sleep went boys and she was like oh that means he loves car so she genuine she was freaked out by it, and it wasn't funny. Anyone else would have been like, that's fucking funny, isn't it? Going, what? But yeah, you're not in control of it, are you?

I wake people up sometimes. Like, I'm sort of not sleepwalking, but sleep talking and acting out. And I was in bed with someone recently. It wasn't Carl. And I woke them up to try and... Dirty bubble. Go on. Like, QVC sell them a cardboard box.

No. I swear, don't press that. This is all true. This is swear down. Yeah, swear down on Martin Luther King, right? Swear. I was like, what? And I was like, it's a cardboard box.

Well, it's amazing. It's loads of fun. Do you want one? We've only got nine left in stock. I don't remember this. I was just told about it the next morning. And she went, I don't know any of this. Apparently she went, will you shut the fuck up?

I don't want a cardboard box. And I was like, it's really fun. It's amazing. It's that big. You can get inside and everything. There's room for everyone. And then, have you seen the clip of the X Factor? When the daughter's really shit and then the mum comes in to have a go at Simon Cowell.

And she goes, I think you've been very, very ash. You seen that clip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that. Because she told me to shut the fuck up. And I went, you've been very, very ash. Oh, wow. And then the next day she was like, do you remember trying to sell me remember any of that not a second of it she thought i was

awake right because i went you were just being a dick because i went no she thought i'd woke up when i went you've been very very harsh but i hadn't all fast asleep god let us know if you've ever slept walked or done any sleep talking that you know there's an app there's an app you can you can download yeah and it just sits there dormant and then it hears noises and it records it and it basically bunches it all into one file and you can play it in the night i just play it at the end of the night i don't want to listen to eight hours worth of farts don't do i well it's a very nice box and i'll shat in it my cousin Katie who listens to almost every episode

of this so she might well hear this hi Katie she'll be able to verify this she used to sleepwalk really badly when she was like

a young teenager and she once please please verify this because it sounds like bullshit woke up made a banana sandwich and knocked on her

next door name it was at 4 o'clock in the morning handed it to them and then went back to bed wow a banana sandwich that's quite

high level sleepwalking it was dead nice as well innit yeah 4 o'clock in the morning sorry to wake you here's a buddy see you tomorrow

better than sleepwalking a Molotov cocktail through the fucking you know at least it's yeah banana I mean it's inconvenient Yeah, it's just nice. I mean, it's inconvenient being woken up, but... Potassium?

I wonder what legally you'd be responsible for at that point if you sleptwalked and, like, committed a crime. That's what they say about, um... Is it Kennedy? He doesn't remember doing it. Like, they put him into this state. There's a Derren Brown thing about it, isn't there? Is it not Kennedy?

Who's, uh... Is it Jack Ruby who shot who did he shoot I haven't got a fucking clue Carl again history for the retarded is it Jack Ruby

when you've got a a foreground computer in front of you lads he's literally had his fingers over the keyboard lads who did Jack Ruby shoot erm no Lee

Lee Harvey Oswald Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK yeah but Jack Ruby shot him yeah oh he shot Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK yeah but Jack Ruby shot him yeah oh he shot Lee Harvey Oswald yeah

and apparently he's like oh I do not remember that happening like not even like I don't even know who that person is well Lee Harvey Oswald when he shot JFK

maybe I'm getting this mixed up maybe this is Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK allegedly and then was he's JFK allegedly and then was he's not going to sue

and then was arrested and then while they were dragging him into a van they said why did you shoot the president and he said I haven't been charged with that he didn't think he'd shot the president I know what it was it was his brother Robert F Kennedy

someone called See a Hand See a Hand shot him Bobby Kennedy You have It was his brother Robert F. Kennedy Yeah Someone called See a hand See a hand shot him Yeah Bobby Kennedy And he was like I genuinely Like

It was like There's videos of him doing it Because he pops out of the car And shoots him He's like I do not remember that Like I was in some kind of state Lad I don't even remember doing it

And I made him a banana sandwich Do you Do you think There's any conspiracy around JFK Or do you just think Lee Harvey Oswald was mental No I think I think there could be.

I haven't researched it. I know it's a famous conspiracy. But just recently, because I can't be arsed arguing, I'm into conspiracies. And I think the Chinese, you know, probably did it. I think China did it. It really gets us back up that you don't like any conspiracy. I know, I think...

Seriously, though, JFK was dead sound. A bit like like any conspiracy. I know, I think... Seriously, though. JFK was dead sound. Bit like Corbyn, you know what I mean? Like, was trying to sort of fuck with the establishment a bit and was like, no, you should all be in a bit cunty. I'm going to sort some shit out. Dead nice, everyone liked him, you know? Type of lad you take home to your marsh,

he's like, he's all right, him. You know? Yeah. Like me. Yeah. Right? Who could dislike you? And just like like you know conveniently he got assassinated why that is so lacking in the full story any information it was a good historical

facts that i cannot be arsed answering it but yeah what about the magic bullet yeah the zigzag yeah the single bullet theory Chinese cunts yeah there was more than one bullet fired yeah it wasn't just him it was another grassy gnoll probably

best going into a conspiracy podcast and finding out more about it no he was dead sound and someone shot him what's that about

conspiracy yeah yeah yeah I think it's quite a famous conspiracy and it's not never been proved yeah

never been yeah if we could have a moratorium Yeah, I think it's quite a famous conspiracy, isn't it? It's never been proved. Yeah. Never been, yeah. If we could have a moratorium on conspiracies for one year, I'd be fucking ecstatic. What's a moratorium? I don't, just a break. No, I'm not going a year without talking about this.

Oh, I would fucking love it. How did we get from sleepwalking, sending you stories of sleepwalking, and when you've slept, and this fucking bell in like, do you remember Jack Ruby? No. Patton Oswalt? No.

Mark Kennedy, left winger for wolves. He shot someone, and then I'm like, no, you don't know it wasn't Sue. Prove it. He was dead sound, there's so much time. No, but he was.

Like, everyone was... Like, he was popular. You know what I mean? Yeah, he had no enemies whatsoever. It's mad that you don't need the establishment. Oh, he had no enemies. It's mad that you hate China and Russia, but don't believe in conspiracies.

I don't not believe in conspiracies, but I just... I've never had a conversation with someone about conspiracies that didn't make me feel that they were thicker at the end of the conversation than they were at the start. I'm like... I just think you need to open your mind a bit.

I will. I will. As long as you keep your arse closed, I will open. What about 5G? Yeah, 5G. Yeah. China. Genuine question, no.

I know you hate talking about this stuff but sleepwalking if you've ever done any sleepwalking have a word pod at gmail.com is there any conspiracy that you've heard about that you actually do subscribe to is there any way you've been like is there any way you think that's probably

do you know what I mean because like JFK is a big one. I think most people, even when they're like, I'm not into conspiracies, they'll buy into that one. And obviously 9-11. Yeah.

But it's because it's never been proved. And it's just conjecture and all this stuff. It's fascinating. I'll give it... But we haven't even proved gravity. Do you want to know what sums this podcast up? I've got two tabs open here. One of them is, who shot JFK?

And the other one is, why does pubic hair feel different? I'd rather talk about face pubes. For that whole next 12 months. 5G shot JFK. And, weird, right, there's an airport called JFK. And John Lennon, and he was shot. And John Lennon was shot.

And JFK was shot. Coincidence. John Lennon was shot by someone who falls. He was John Lennon, didn't he? John Lennon was shot by someone who thought he was John Lennon didn't he do you know about that and he was sleepwalking

do you know about that boys do you know about that though no the fella who shot John Lennon was he Chinese no

Russian no the fella who shot John Lennon thought he was John Lennon and John Lennon had stolen his identity that makes me want to use Instagram less he was John Lennon and John Lennon had stolen his identity.

That makes me want to use Instagram less. Yeah. He was convinced that like John Lennon was a John Lennon impersonator and would just fool the world and he was like

but I'm fucking John Lennon. So he shot it. Yeah. Oh my god. This is not bullshit. In his head it weighed up. That's my identity. And do you know Paul McCartney died in a car crash and was replaced with a look like?

Mark Chapman. No, that's who shot John Lennon and replaced Paul McCartney. Do you actually know about that one? That's why he's got no shoes on an Abbey Road. Oh! And they've left... It hurts me. They've left clues...bey Road Oh And they've left It hurts me They've left clues

Stop tapping me They've left clues But Swear to God Yeah Oh God Have you ever heard Hit me baby one more time

Backwards This is how bad this is I wish you were doing A Kevin Webster impression Right now Hey listen Paul McCartney's dead Have you ever heard

Hit me baby one more time Backwards Genuinely Yeah Right Get on this Right So Paul McCartney's dead. Have you ever heard hit me one more time backwards? Genuinely? Yeah, right. Get on this. Right. So, do you know when you type something

into Google but it doesn't want you to search it so it doesn't give you a suggestion? Do you know what I mean? Like, Paul. Do you know what I mean?

Paul, yeah. Right. I've just typed in Paul McCartney, D-E-A and there was no suggestion because they don't want you to know that he's dead. You know what I mean? Paul is dead is an urban legend and conspiracy theory,

a legend that English musician Paul McCartney of the Beatles died on the 9th of November, 1966, and was secretly replaced by a lookalike. The rumor began circulating in 1967, but grew in popularity after being reported on American college campuses in late 1969. College, clever people. Right. So, college,. College. Clever people. Right.

So, college. Clever people. Just ask him. So, am I actually going to answer this? Yeah. No. You don't think it's real? So there was a young musician in Liverpool.

Yeah. Who wrote songs, performed them, which were a huge success, pop-out. By 1966, they're the biggest band in the world. Right, look, Carl, I'm going to send you this. He was killed or he died? He died in a car crash. Oh, he died in a car crash.

No one reported it. Nope. Because they didn't want the world to be sad. Oh, okay. That's how news works, isn't it? Right, yeah. Get on this. I've sent you this picture. I want you to slide it into this episode, please, yeah. Get on this. I've sent you this picture.

I want you to slide it into this episode, please, if you don't mind. I need to show Dan this. Have a look. Ooh, his face shape. See? Different shape on his face. Different chin. Different nose.

I could show you a picture of me from four years ago, and you'd be like, that skinny guy's definitely not that big of a round fucker. That's not the same. They're about the same weight there, though, aren't they? Look, his hair's different. That is a slightly older man. That is a...

Are you mad? No. Okay. Look, look at the shit. Look, he's got a proper, like, sticky-out chin, and he hasn't there. Do you know what I mean? See?

So the replacement... Yeah. ...is also a very high level Singer songwriter From Scotland From Scotland Mm-hmm Right

And they just told us He must have a Scouse accent That's why he's not Pretty good at it No he was crap After 1966 wasn't he? Yeah The Beatles were

Didn't I don't think they released An album after 1966 No No they did release some Oh they did Some of their best work Some of their absolute best work.

John Lennon wrote a lot of that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Paul Adora, they've written a lot of it. Pre-1966. Yeah. So it was there, ready to go. It was like Tupac. When Tupac died,

Ghetto Gospel hadn't come out yet. It's literally just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ghetto Gospel changes. You're a silly person. No. You're closed-minded minded this is where conspiracy theories theorists let themselves down

when they're like what about JFK what about imaginary Paul McCartney Jesus Christ yeah what about him that's a conspiracy it's the biggest conspiracy of all time isn't it Yeah

Religion Yeah And you're an atheist I fucking hate conspiracy talk It's so boring Do you not think like Religion was invented to keep everyone Under control though

What Yeah he does believe that he's an atheist Yeah Religion was invented to keep people fucking whipped It's not a conspiracy, is it? Yeah. How is that a fucking... The religion...

How is that a fucking conspiracy? Does the religious fucking... The subjugation of the working class and human existence, like, blighted by the holy man being at the right hand of all kings, emperors. It's not a fucking conspiracy. It's just the history of human existence. Right. But it's not like the Pope's come out and gone,

yeah, we invented it all to fucking keep people fucking... It doesn't... They didn't invent it, did they? It's been since the dawn of time, since the first man went, Jesus Christ, if that sun's not there, it's a bit scary. Why is that big ball of fire in the sky? Then it goes down then i'm cold oh my god i'm a bit freaked out by that

and then like the the tribal leader went yeah everyone's scared of that shit i should get the guy that thinks he knows about that to sit there and say listen don't uprise against me i'm in charge and that holy man says that if you do that because i've been chosen by the ball of fire in the sky, so just stay there, enjoy your shitty life, give some money to me. That's nothing to do with Catholicism. That predates all known religion. You just said he said Jesus Christ, the son.

It doesn't even exist. Conspiracy. See, that is a conspiracy theory, though. It's not a conspiracy theory. That's not a conspiracy theory So do you think the Pope's in on it? What? Do you think the Pope's in on it?

I just think you're talking about You're literally talking about All of the history of man It predates There's videos of the Pope Putting the dynamite in the Off tower You're being

Stupid I don't want to end this section How much Can I give you money wise to stop talking this drivel? The Pope's in the Beatles. He's so angry. I hate it. Yeah. Have you heard the Jerry Hollywood

let's get Josh Jones on the couch yeah Josh Jones is in today he's dead good you're going to love him recently on 8 out of 10 cats and absolutely

smashed him was he brilliant good for him and thanks to Indie Clone for assigned Kevin Webster Pitcher cheers mate he's very kind

all the stuff that gets sent in is sweet right let's have a little interval and get Josh on hey so we've got a

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Just seeing a TikTok video in the break there. Right, you know, in the Lion King. Hi, Josh. Hi. Get to the end of the minute, lads. In the Lion King. Yeah? In the Lion King. Do you like the Lion King? Obviously. Do you like the Lion King? Love it. Hi. Get to the end of the minute, lad. None of the Lion King. Yeah? None of the Lion King.

Do you like the Lion King? Obviously. Do you like the Lion King? Love it. Right. You know when Mufasa dies? Yeah? Yeah.

Scar fucking... Is it the antelope? Yeah. No. What is it? Wildebeest. Wildebeest, yeah. Wildebeest.

There's a stampede. Ain't it reindeers? It's reindeers. Reindeers. No, like a load of deers. I think you'll get mixed up with Miracle on 34th Street. Is it gazelles? The famous serengeti reindeers.

Hello, my name is Santa. Merry Christmas. So, hyenas don't eat dead lions. And nothing does, apart from other lions. And there's a scene later on where Scar, after Mufasa's dead, is playing with a lion's skull. So Scar eats Mufasa,

and then he's playing with his skull. Whoa. After we've just talked about conspiracies, this one's big one isn't it jfk 5g and now mufasa yeah um jeremy irons didn't it mufasa no jeremy irons is scar scar that's what yeah james l jones is mufasa jeremy irons very sexy yeah was that a TikTok you were watching TikTok's just usually girls going dun dun dun and you're watching

conspiracy theories about Lion King could we just see that again like Laura got into TikTok I was on it for about three weeks but it already feels pervert

like oh I've seen what the kids are doing and it's very entertaining but I feel like it was just like the same dance that every quagmire and it's just like i try not to watch the dances you can you can kind of if you say what you want to watch it just blocks that stuff out you teach it your own algorithm what's your tiktok algorithm just videos of me right now that's your own profile that was brilliant i like all the

fail ones on tiktok where it's like oh no oh no oh no no no no no it's my favorite one oh yeah i know that where it is somewhere that was where it's like oh people born in 90 late 90s are old and then it does that voice. Oh, really? Yeah. People born in the early 90s, me? When are you born? Dead old. Early 90s. Are you?

How old are you? 28. Are you 28? A lot of people think I'm younger, but... Yeah, I think you are. I've only just turned 28, so basically still, like, 25. Oh, I nearly said I'm 28. That's how that works, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, because Carl asked me how old I was, like 25 oh i nearly said i'm 28 that's how that works isn't it yeah yeah i say because carl asked me how old i was i just told him that my uh my agent tells me to tell people i'm a bit younger really and you say no well i do normally if it was a producer i say i'm 24 okay you better hope none of them watch this fucking podcast the agent like just say you're younger because at 28 you're done aren't you if that gets out josh you're fucked at 28 but like jamie hutchinson he's a fucking prick he always takes a piss out of me because i like when we go out i take my passport with me and he's like no one's id in you but i do get id just not when jamie's there right yeah in the pill you get id in a lot of places no matter what you look like because No one's IDing you. But I do get IDed, just not when Jamie's there. Right.

In Liverpool, you get IDed in a lot of places, no matter what you look like, because they want to know who's in there in case someone gets stabbed. You get scanned into lots of places, don't you? Yeah. Scan. You scan your passports, you know who is in the building at what time.

Yeah. And they've got a metal detector at a lot of bars in Liverpool. What sort of bars are you going to? Yeah, they've got a lot. There's a lot of knife crime in Liverpool. Choose a life, not a knife. That and drill five alive. Josh is just like, they've got a gun. There's a lot of knife crime in Liverpool. Choose a life, not a knife. That'd be the best part of life.

Josh is just like, I've got a passport! Check it if you want! You need to check it! You probably do need to check it. Adam's got like a fucking oozy, knuckle dust or a lad. We drink at different places.

If you were to sign with management tomorrow, right? Yeah. Like, you know, there's a couple of uh rowey bags talent agency yeah right so you sign management and they're like we're gonna you know podcast doing well i'm gonna push you onto telly i'm gonna get on a few things but dan right can't let anyone know that you're about to turn 40 so what age are you comfortable saying you are am i allowed to wear a

hat because if i'm not allowed to wear a hat... You can't just wear a hat, mate. I've got you a wig. If I have to turn up at auditions like this, like, I'm 26! I think you could do 34. Thanks, mate. What about now?

No, no with the hat. Cowabunga. You look like Joey in Friends when he asked me. 19. Sup? I love TikToks and I love it. I just absolutely love it. Say this again.

How low would you lie about? So I think I could say I was 17. What? What? Like, if I shaved this, I've got a bit of a baby face, so I could be 17. Yeah. Yeah.

You looked 33 when you were 17 that's part of the problem there me and you the same age I'm 29 as of Monday okay

yeah but he says he's 22 because he's fucking mysterious I reckon I could get away with 26 yeah

I'm wearing 40 like a badge of honour yeah you just lean into it fuck you I don't know if you could I think no

I think you could 27 okay if I shave this though I'd look a lot younger Josh this isn't the podcast to be nice I don't know

lean in if you want to lean in no I'm being honest I'm being truthful 27 what like what about Adam's face disgusting which which bouncer is seeing those eyebrows wander up going lad 27 what like what about Adam's face disgusting

which which bouncer is seeing those eyebrows wander up going lad we're gonna need to see some ID here fucking get it out

your eyebrows there you go keep my passport in there one of the knuckle dusters when's the last time you got ID'd well like I say you get ID'd quite a bit

in Liverpool unless you know everyone you know what I mean it's not to prove age though what it's not to prove age though it's not to prove age no it's to prove who's stabbing who

basically oh actually lockdown one I've never like got a deed for stabbing people lockdown

about five times I've headbutted someone in a bar no you've what you've headbutted someone yeah he touched me Willie

he touched you Willie tell the story. That was it, basically. I was at your idols. Some stranger touched me dick, so I just nutted him and ran away. Was this in a gay bar?

Yeah, obviously. Because that was Wetherspoons. Staling rich Wetherspoons has really gone down in Cruise 101 in Manchester oh Cruise 101 dirty dirty boy

not one of the higher end establishments in the village Cruise 101 is like if you go in Cruise 101 and a guy touches your dick you're almost legally

not allowed to be like a guy just touched my dick he's like babes it's Cruise 101 but I went with my friend Sam who's well he's gay

but one of the like muscly ones he's just topless all the time and he's a I'd be if I was gay I'd be one of them

yeah so he's a ho and I'm I'm more of like the I like like book little book nerds little

so yeah geeky gays yeah I love a geeky gay. Have you got a name for that? Because I know there's a lot of terminology within the gay community. Cubs, bears. Just fucking geeks. I don't know.

Nerds. All right. Josh, I don't go for terminology. I just call them fucking geeks. But it's so rubbish because I am really genuinely attracted to nerds. So you type that in a gay porn app, it's shit. It's just a muscly guy with glasses on.

It's like, you're not fucking fooling anyone who's reading a book upside down. It's like, it's shit. There's not enough focus on it. Well, you actually want to see someone's PhD qualification before you watch the pornography they're in. No, but I want him to look nerder. You know, a bit anemic.

Like, anemic like anemic yeah just like literally I'm looking for someone with an iron deficiency you don't want to suspend disbelief

for your porn no I want him to look real I'd just like to just circle back a sec when this guy

touched your dick was piss leaving your penis at the time I can't I honestly can't remember I just remember him When this guy touched your dick, was piss leaving your penis at the time? I honestly can't remember. I just remember him touching my willy, me headbutting him,

him falling back and then me going, I don't know what to do now, I'm not away. Did you say that out loud? I just remembered. Because I headbutted him. I headbutted him and he went back and he was like bigger than me. And then I thought,'ve either got a run or something's going to happen

so I just ran it's quite a baller move headbutting someone with your dick out I know, I'm a bit of a baller though do you know what I mean? in Street Fighter that'd be a hell of an ender you're a bit of a scrapper though aren't you because you used to be a boxer

well I did boxing for a hell of an ender you're a bit of a scrapper though aren't you because you used to be a boxer well I did boxing for a couple of years when I was younger and now I think because I've spoke about it on stage and spoken and stuff I think people think

I still do I've not done it in like 10 years oh I heard you were the light heavyweight champion me and Anthony Joshua just we meet

up every week yeah yeah I was in the Olympics. She didn't take us in. Did you ever do any combat sports? Did a bit of judo when I was a kid. I did karate

but stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do it? Did a bit of judo. Mate, he was in the chess club. I don't know why he thinks this is so funny. I did a bit of judo, mate.

I did karate but I had to stop when he got me finger chopped off because he had a cast on me hand. Because you got involved with the Yakuza. Josh, you start in so many great stories, and I do not want to, do want to, my judo was just, I got thrown around a bit, and I was like, oh, this is all right.

I never even made it to yellow belt. What, you did karate? Oh, I think I was on there for a couple of weeks and i was like i'm really loving this this was when do you remember jackie chan he had um he had books out and you could get little medallions like i don't know just me all right i loved him anyway which bit of manchester did you grow up in do you not remember the jackie chan i reckon that was definitely legit in some part. Where are you from in Manchester? Well, this was in Failsworth.

In Failsworth. Yeah, the Jackie Chan School of Martial Arts. There's only one in the world and it's in Failsworth near Oldham. Do you not remember Jackie Chan's cartoon? I remember the cartoon. I remember the cartoon, yeah. And then you could collect medallions. Never mind. I had all of them i was buzzing anyway so the classic story of a young gay man in fail to every day every day guys like

oh tell me about it josh i went through my jackie chan karate phase fucking brilliant so then i thought i've got to become a karate master so then started karate but then i got my finger chopped off so i just stopped and never went back to it why did you get your finger chopped off i was trying to escape from primary school right and i don't know why um but do you know when you've got those metal fences with the free spikes yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would, like, try to do one, climbing it over there, and then I fell off, but my finger stayed on. Right. And, yeah, cut through, look through.

It's weird. But they put it on, like, sideways. Oh, is it sewed back on? Yeah, look at it. Oh, my God. Oh, shit, yeah. It looks like I've got three thumbs. Oh, my God.

I know. Yeah, it's like an angle, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I could be using that for a street man, though. Yeah, but gay men use their fingers as well. This goes...

And it's... Honestly, it's fucking solid. Listen. I don't know what they put in it, but it's solid. So bitchy. When you're waiting on someone, what's it? It's a weird old thing weird do you know how stupid I am

because this story involved karate and he lost a finger I just assumed samurai swords were involved yeah that's karate

it fails me that would have been a better story but no I just was escaping from primary school I honestly thought it was a karate fight

incident and then it just becomes you climbing over a fence I had to end karate because I got my finger chopped off in the karate fight no i was climbing over fencing i thought he was challenging the fucking leader of the dojo what to to a fucking scrap and then the sensei the sensei and he got a fucking sword up was like fucking back down and he just karate chopped my finger off yeah with a sword i did karate for a week. With swords? No.

With dicks. No, karate means empty hand. Right. It was shit karate. Oh, so I shouldn't have brought swords into it. Even though two or three seconds ago, you were like, I thought that karate thing was about swords.

Jesus Christ. It's just like dancing karate though isn't it when I only was there for the first couple of weeks but they teach you the the moves do you know what I mean

you have to learn like the dance moves the drills yes before you do I didn't really get to karate a lot of karate champions actually watch the rhythmic gymnastics

and get confused and end up in a fight so it's bullshit because he started laughing before he got it out watch the rhythmic gymnastics and get confused and end up in a fight. So it was bullshit because he started laughing before he got it out. But I did actually do karate for a week. And then my dad wouldn't let me go back again. Because after one lesson, my little brother didn't come off the PlayStation in time. You know, like when you're a kid and you're like, right, you can play for half an hour, then you can play, and then you can play, and then you can play, whatever. He didn't come PlayStation in time. You know, like when you're a kid and you're like, right, you can play for half an hour, then you can play,

and then you can play, and then you can play, whatever. He didn't come off in time, and I threatened to round. I was kicking him in the head. And my dad was like, you're not going back to Karate. I'm not having you getting a brown button and killing me fucking young son. I'm not weaponising this little fucker. Why didn't he just send the brother to Karate as well,

and then you can fight over the PlayStation? That's what I would do. And then you've got the strongest son, and then you know who gets everything. That's what we do for his will. Yeah. In my last will and testament, I would like a fight to death.

Christmas is boring every year. So they're now both training in mixed martial arts. Do kids do MMA now is the kids MMA training they must be because I mean karate and judo I mean judo was

like really was a pansy version of karate it's basically karate without any punching or like kicking how long did you do it for about two years

I'm not even joking it was a fucking ball like yeah did you judo throw me well probably because I'm i don't know you're quite sturdy though you're like bottom heavy you're thin but thick your big bone you haven't um but mixed martial arts is now mma and ufc is so much more popular i bet it's even like more popular than boxing i know boxing's been around for years, but UFC's the hot one, isn't it?

Yeah, well, Ronda Rousey. Well, I don't know. Rody Ronda Rousey. People like it because of male ones, but when I see a woman do something, I'm like, I'm going to do that now. So if I was younger, I would have been like, I'm going to be Ronda Rousey.

Yeah. Because I used to watch wrestling, and then because of Lita, I used to just start doing cartwheels around the house. But UFC's great for equality in terms of, there's only tennis in UFC that genuinely women headline major

UFC events, which is not the case in so many other sports. In tennis, the women technically get paid more. Because they do less sets. Because there's less sets, yeah. because they're lazy yeah that's why that is

have a word pod at gmail.com if you'd like to speak to Adam about that one can you ask me a question Adam is there anything that a woman can do

that a man can't do better give birth no as in like something they can both do you asked me this question is there anything that a woman can do that a man hasn't done better the question was No, as in like something they can both do? You asked me this question.

Is there anything a woman can do that a man hasn't done better? Is there anything that both genders do? Josh? I'm like, I'm a typical gay in that way I just love women Do you have any women idols? What are your women idols? Not that many then Condoleezza Rice Who's Condoleezza Rice?

Doesn't matter go on My female idols I'm really glad this is You've circled that back on Adam Great I didn't ask the question he did Yeah. I'm really glad you've circled that back on, Adam. Yeah. Great. I didn't ask the question, he did. Female idols.

Sarah Silverman. Good one. Joan Rivers. Fab. I need that there's no pictures of them in this room to give you a few clues. Michelle Obama. Oh, you're just rounding off big names now. Oh, do you want a smaller name?

Well, no. Cathy, who used to work in the supermarket. The woman at the chippy. I do like Sue, who works in the chippy right now. Sue and May, they're dead sound. They know me by name now. The other day, I actually rang the chippy and made me order, and she went, they're dead sound. They know me by name now. The other day, I actually rang the chippy and made me order.

And she went, that you, Adam. You know you're eating at the chippy too much. I'm like, aye, babe. God, I haven't even spoken. My first job was at a chipper when I was 14. 14, illegal, but fine. No, not illegal. And as you can't work, so you're 16. And you can't be like, I just... No, not illegal. You can't work until you're 16.

No, you can't be like that. Yeah, cash in hand. You can't work. I had all my clothes on. What do you mean? Even more illegal. You can't. You can work before you're 16, can't you?

No. You can't be tax registered until you're 16, can you? Well, what about paper boys? Yeah, but it's cash in hand, isn't it? It's not legal. No, it's not illegal. It's not illegal to be a paper boy I think you might

have heard something about that but the chippy with cash in hand he won't give me five pound an hour in my bank account yeah

I don't think it's illegal to work at a chippy under 16 is it no it's fine there's probably laws but it's not

well when I was 14 I used to work in a fruit shop that my mum worked in and I had to stay in the back and cut all the veg up. Like when you go to a fruit shop and there's bags of carrot and sweet that's being cut up.

That was my job. I was cutting the carrot and sweet up and bagging it, and I had to work in the back because I was too young. You were a carrot bagger? Yeah. That does sound like a derogatory term, doesn't it? Like a fucking carrot bagger. Didn't Arsenal play then when they opened the league bagger. Didn't Arsenal play then when they

opened the league? What? Didn't Arsenal play then? The chip shop. The illegal chip shop. Let's make it edgy. I lose fingers

in karate. Were you on display? Were you like in the... Yeah, in the window. In a fish suit rubbing his nipples with chips.

Sales are up,'ll tell you what you know what because I have to work in the back so that no one's seeing the child I don't think it was employment law

I just I just I just oh my god there's just some fruit and veg shop owner who's like keep that little kid

in the fucking back Jesus Christ. Adam! Adam's trying to come out. Yes. I cut my finger one day as well. Not like that bad, but yeah, I ate it. Can you Google that please and check

whether it's legal to work underage? Because I'm pretty sure. It can't just be legal to give a child cash in hand. Otherwise, why wouldn't everyone just use children? You know, if you ran Matalan, why don't you just employ a the 14-year-olds? The Children and Young Persons Act of 1933, which might need updating,

sets 14 at the minimum age a child can be employed and includes the following restrictions. They can't stay... You can only do light work and they can't do more than five hours on a Saturday or Sunday. Okay. There we go. That's 1933.

So 40, I mean, there's loads of laws. 14. 14, yeah. That seems reasonable, doesn't it? I'm trying to think how old I was when I got my first paper round. I started smoking at 12, so I needed to pay for the six. So was that your first job, the chip shop? Yeah. How did you pay for your six for those So was that your first job, the chip shop? Yeah.

How did you pay for your cigs for those first two years? I sold cigs in school. 50p each, all free for a pound, if anyone's interested. How did you get them? Well, I even got people to go in the shop. He sent someone to Spain! Can you go to Mammut in Calais? No, I used to get people to go to the

shop for me there was god this is quite bad actually for a while there was this guy who were like 32 when he got out of

prison but we didn't know what he did and he used to go in the shop for me which is weird but he didn't touch me so it's fine and my sister used

to go in the shop for my cigs and then when she had a kid she was like oh no and then grasped on me for smoking i was like you bitch right yeah did anyone round by your because i imagine by yours the answer will be yes because you're from manchester live but are quite similar despite the fact that we like to think that we're not did anyone like near yours sell fake ciggies did you have a house you could knock on and buy cigars?

The ice cream van near me dad used to sell them. And then he used to put them in a mix-up bag so no one knew that he was selling cigs to kids. Our ice cream van used to sell weed. A mix-up bag, as in like pick-a-mix? You got pick-a-mix in it. You put like six cigs in there. And they were like Spanish.

So fried eggs. Yeah. And then, you know you know few cola bottles and then six B&H what's a fake cigarette it's like they're not yeah

they're Spanish but like it'll be in a regal packet but they're actually just like they're just shite ciggies that they've put in that box yeah and you get them

off the lucky lucky man and everything my mum and dad used to sell them that's where I learnt how to fucking hustle and bustle from my mum and dad

so you were doing it as well you were selling cigs? In school, yeah. 50p each, free for a pound. You still know the price? 50p each? Isn't that... No, now you wouldn't make any money off it now. Poor kids. I mean, like...

Brexit? I mean, then it were alright. Yeah, it used to be three pound for a pack of the ciggies. For a pack of 20. Like from the fella. His name's Tony. I won't say his surname. God, I'm out.

I had to send it out to Tony. He used to get 200 bifters and it would be £30. We just got L&B from the shop. John Moore and Andrew Justice both looked about fucking... They both looked like they had families. What did they look like now? John Moore, honestly, was more manly at 14 years old than I am, just shy of 40.

Had a full beard and drove a Range Rover. That's my memory of it. Moore and Justice sound like a cop duo. John Moore and Andrew Justice. It's time to solve some crimes With Justice and Moore Justice and Moore Ain't John Moore the name of one of the unis in Liverpool? Yeah he actually

He bought Specky Brew for the kids round our way Saved up all the money Sold some L&B and then bought a university Specky Brew is that what you're calling? Did you used to drink that? Everyone used to drink that didn't they? No I didn't I've never touched this stuff What was your like shit first ale like you know the first thing

i ever drank like the thing you drank when you were dead young well white lightning white shine yeah frosty jacks white diamond white yeah ah which is a cider if you're not from the uk and you didn't go through the fucking grueling rite of passage that was, right, we're going down the park and we're getting shit-faced. We've got £3.99 and we need a fucking gallon of this paint stripper fizzy cider. It was great. I mean, it's terrible. Oh, it worked to treat. And did you ever do that where you were like,

if you spin around, you get pissed quicker. So you just stood in a park with a bottle of beer and just spinning around looking like a fucking knobhead. I used to love drinking down the park. It was so good. Especially in summer. Like in winter when the hard core, you're going down the park, you're like, no, I don't want to freeze to death, you lunatics.

In the summer where all the kids were hanging around the park and just as it started going dark, you were like, I'm definitely going to finger someone tonight. Quality. I loved it, mate mate it was so fun when um so where my dad lives in dralston in manchester when we used to drink around there we used to drink on a church like a church grounds and he was doing a saturday night mass and we was like at the back of the church drinking on the steps which is bad might as well get some free wine. Yeah, but he said the pastor tried to get us in the church. I mean, he was like, why don't you just come in in the warm, whatever.

So we all had to hide our beer and stuff. And I had a massive, it was like a fucking skiing coat that I got from TK Maxx. So I shoved two litres of cider down me sleeve. So I'm like,, there like that. I can't move my arm. Walking in like you're trying to accept the Lord. But I need a wee, so I go to the toilet while this mass is on.

And then, like, I just have a wee, but when I come back in, they see the top of the cider. So then we all get kicked out because they're like, you've been drinking cider in the toilet. And I got kicked out of a church. And then from down then, it's just gone down. And that was the start. That was when you lost God?

Yeah. How pissed as kids do you have to be when a pastor comes out and goes, guys, do you want to come inside? Like, yeah, this will be good fun. This is strong cider. Let's see if being inside a church can help. My mum's brother's a pastor, though.

Is he? Yeah, in South Africa. And he lives over there. And I said to my friend, like, oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You say things, right, and then you skip right over them as if it's just a normal sentence. You've got a South African uncle.

Yeah. Who is a man of the cloth. So a load of my mum's family live in South Africa. And then when he was like 20 he moved out there to join him or whatever

and now he's in the church and and he's been there he's like nearly 70 I think so he's been there for ages but so I was saying to my friend oh my uncle's like a pastor

in South Africa he just went oh yeah my aunt is a garlic bread in Venice I was like you are thick as shit I thought you were just making up words

to sound exciting that's fucking incredible you got any South African relatives I've got a mate who lives in South Africa yeah

met a girl in China when they were teaching English out there and she's from South Africa she's from South Africa

and they've moved back there to live shout out to Sean and Gianna teaching English out there. And she's from South Africa. She's from South Africa. South Africa. And they've moved back there to live. Shout out to Sean and Gianna. Would you ever move there? I am not sure I'd visit. Why? I just don't know yet. I've been.

Nice? I didn't really like it. But I was only about nine. But I remember thinking, because obviously when you grow up in a city, you grow up with different races and stuff. And you're like whatever and then when i went to south africa i was like not everybody's treated the same i think it's the first time i noticed like some shit is fucked up do you even at nine did you know did you know the history of apartheid and all that

no but i knew that my did you literally just work it how racist is south africa that you even as a nine-year-old like la la la la la this is racist i'm not even sure what racism is but i can fucking sniff it out we stayed at my uncle's house which was massive like it probably like over there because then he was working as an electrician which is a good job but over there his house was fucking huge and he had like a maid and um but she was she was like black and that's when i noticed it because i was like everyone where all the people with the big houses were all white and then all everyone else who were working there wasn't yeah so even at nine i was like oh you know yeah they've got a uh they've

got a difficult history there haven't they but uh i've obviously like they might have listeners in south africa guys do you know what you're talking about but it is a it's a it's a bad history isn't it like we didn't play sport against south africa for fucking years because of apartheid like there was a total sporting ban like english teams wouldn't play them like the cricket and the rugby wouldn't go over there because of apartheid and obviously that got changed and then nelson mandela came and things are different but there's still that cultural divide of like that's where the black people live and the white people you know a lot of people really hate mandela

and i found that out when i had so I used to do a stand up routine about a girl saying she wouldn't sleep with Nelson Mandela and in the routine I defended him and basically said she should shag him and that clip went on Lab Bible and it got nothing but hate

because there's a lot of people saying Nelson Mandela is an angel and you should never joke about him and the other half were saying he's a terrorist and he doesn't deserve to be defended. And I pissed off both sides of the spectrum and left very little grey area of joy. That's really one of those ones that you probably don't need to get into the comments on, isn't it?

Just referenced him because he's a famous old guy. You don't even know about Nelson Mandela. Well, you need to listen to our podcast. We don't know much about much I would like to visit, I'd like to see it but it's it's got a famously one of the comics

from the Northern Circuit, Martin Moore who used to be Martin Big Pig looks like a Viking doesn't he and he's got this huge beard and they went out to do gigs there this is years ago and they were gigging outside joeberg in an area where it's a little bit feisty a little bit rough and it's just a done thing that you stayed in the hotel complex because the crime's quite bad in south africa in certain places johannesburg's got a bit of a history for it and because he's

just didn't know he just went off for a fucking walk did anything happen nothing happened yeah because he looks like a boar he looks like so there's a there's a history of south africa with like like the white people the the sort of indigenous black people and then also the boars and he just wandered out but because he looks so fucking frightening he just he just he got left and the promoter was having fucking kittens when he walked back in like never leave the complex again for the love of fucking god

and Martin Moore's just a rock hard viking looking northern Irishman like they didn't see a problem absolutely fine that's when you know somewhere's a bit tasty when the promoter's like please don't leave the building

I know we're gonna do the gig here but stay in the fucking building I get that when I'm in Rochdale listen faggot get away I know we're going to do the gig here, but stay in the fucking building. I get that when I'm in Rochdale. Listen, faggot, get away. Stay inside. He lost a finger to karate.

Leave it. There's a comic that I won't name because I'm not sure how public information this is. He's definitely done stand-up about it, though, who did gigs in South Africa, and he thought he was going with a couple of prostitutes and they drugged and robbed them. A comic got drugged and robbed

by South African prostitutes. You know when I hear stories about comedians doing stupid shit like that, I don't sympathise that

much. If it was a normal person I'd be like, oh well that's unlucky. But when it's a comedian I'm like,

you fucking bellalala. Finish the gig, get a couple of prostitutes, two days unlucky. But when it's a comedian, I'm like, you fucking Bella. Finish the gig. Get a couple of prostitutes two days later. I get really jealous of comics who get to go to Dubai and stuff because loads of comics go and do Dubai, don't they? But I'm like, I can't go there

because I'll get fucking killed. But I'm just like- No, you'd be all right in Dubai. I don't think so. No, you would yeah so shall I just go now yeah just give it a go

are you talking about your homosexuality yeah yeah well I know a homosexual man and he lives out there now and he is camper than you are

and he's doing quite well over there he's not dead he started a pride if you're interested next year it's not dead. He started a pride. I don't know you. If you're interested, next year it's going to be pretty big. Dubai pride.

And it's the only places that hasn't got COVID restrictions. And I swear to God, if Dubai stays the only place that hasn't got COVID restrictions, I reckon people will be like, I know it's risky, but I fancy Dubai pride. It's just one bloke that Adam knows.

Yeah. Dubai is a very sort of liberal islamic country no well the uae yeah dubai is a very liberal city have you been yeah i've been doing comedy that yes okay um have you been yeah a while ago i've been to Bahrain several times Dubai I've been to Oman how many gay days did you see floating about I fucked a few but they were really let me just remember

I speaking as a man who's got a mug no I understand your nervousness no yeah just don't want to get killed because

Larry Dean's been out there and I know he's yeah but he can like hide it but he I can only hide it for about a minute and then my voice sets

do you think what do you think they're going to be like hello passport control they're like let me just do the gay dar on you

not good I don't want to tell Larry's story for him but I'm pretty sure he would have if he was a camper gay man

he might have been in a lot of trouble out there because he got stopped at the border because he had CBD oil oh and like you know for his his vape and it's illegal out there it's a drug yeah so he got like arrested at the at the

border and the the comedy club that had brought him i was had to like negotiate with them and get him out if they'd have known he was gay then it might have got a lot a lot a lot hairier like is that is that honest like all joking aside you would you yeah i'm not i wouldn't even risk it if it's a country where it's like either even if it's just been legalized in the last five years i'll be like i'll wait five more like i'm not a fucking guinea pig yeah i'm not yeah give them a decade of getting used to it and then you can show off. There's an argument to say no one should be going to these places

where it's illegal to be gay. The money's gone. No, but it's part of their culture. You're like, oh, so their backward horrible shit is historic. Oh, well then let's leave it in place forever. It's grim, isn't it? Yeah, but as a comic i'm more like get the

money i don't get don't like put your good money free holiday like i'm i'll retweet stuff josh just don't actually bring it up with any of your friends or like where have you been josh uh real just been real for 10 days and I've got a really good time I've been to the sun centre shut up because I feel like every other comic

has done it and I'm just like bastard because it's like good money and a holiday I just want to go somewhere nice

it's club money it's normal club money oh is it yeah so you do like if you do the laughter factory which is a great comedy club and I love Gail and Duncan who run that

they I hope they don't mind me putting their business out you get 220 per gig and you get your flight and accommodation paid for so you normally do like five or six gigs yeah so you're there for 10 days you do six gigs you'll get about 1200 quid but josh could you straighten up your set because and and I mean this, as one of your biggest fans, I compared one of your very first gigs back in the day. Yes, The Frog. I always loved your stand-up.

Could you go to Dubai and be like, right, I've been smashing all the puss. Smell me fingers. Really? In Dubai, they're like, that's very good. Yeah, I could just do like you're like, that's not English. That's not English. Yeah, I could just do like,

I love so much pussy. I'm so full of eating so much pussy. I can't do it. I feel dirt. No. It's like Dave Twentyman's set. I'm just being a dick. I can do,

I can go on stage and not mention it but I can't hide this if I could have hide this I would have done it in school this is just the way it fucking is now

I am I'm pretty sure Larry did hit like the stuff about him being gay on stage while he was out there so

but I'm not sure it is risky though it is risky it is risky and I'll tell you why I know for sure it's risky but also

isn't he from Glasgow so they'll probably be like we'll fucking attack another one he'll probably fight us back and work out what he's saying yeah like they there's a lot of uh there's a lot of like dodgy territory like about what you can and can't say so in every hotel over there there's the picture of like the the royal family the royal family so like the the guy who looks over dubai abu dhabi and then the whole country yeah but there's another word for them because i had a friend at you king in it the royal prince i thought it was a sheik i don't know yeah i i had again come here for facts i had a friend who was from dubai at guna and her dad was a plastic surgeon in dubai and she showed me a picture of his car it was

like the fucking batmobile yeah it was insane and she was at sulfur juna yeah but you've got to even if you've got it even if you are a plasterer from Dubai, you probably are driving a fucking great car. But Adams, they're more worried. I know, I know, I know. I know he really wasn't a plasterer. Same thing, really. They're obsessed. They're obsessed with no defamation of the royal family.

Oh, yeah, we literally got told. In Bahrain, you don't even go anywhere near it. And sometimes there are, like, government representatives at the gig, monitors. We got told when we landed the first time, don't worry about terrorism, all their money's here. So they're not going to bomb this because they'd literally cost themselves money. And secondly, we're happy with almost anything on stage. Don't say cunt too often and also nothing about

the royal family at all because literally if they want to arrest you there's nothing we can do about it so don't do that but I'm pretty sure Larry did his stuff about being gay and when I did my trans bit I pissed two people off, one woman got pissed off

because she was like you're transphobic it was just drunk and not listening and there was a what i pissed two people off one woman got pissed off because she was like you're transphobic uh it was just drunk i'm not listening and there was a local guy who was pissed off because i say in that routine like trans people should be allowed to choose their gender and whatever and he's like it's disgusting and they were both arguing each other in the audience oh my god that's amazing as a comedian but i tell you i'm tagging out if you could just and have that horrible conversation i hate it when they tell you what I'm tagging out if you could just fucking deal with each other and have that horrible conversation I hate it when they tell you

like so they say you can't talk about the royal family I hate it when you go on stage and they tell you anything when they say oh someone's birthday

I don't give a fuck like fuck off like fuck off it's Darren's birthday when you first start emceeing you're like

oh you'll do it now I just say oh I forgot fuck off oh it's Darren's birthday. And when you first start emceeing, you're like, oh, you'll do it. Now I just say, oh, fuck off, fuck off. The worst is when a promoter, a really good promoter, sets a room out nicely, fills that room, sorts all the tech, and then picks good acts, and at that point lets the show happen. They don't go, right, just to let you know, this is how this room goes

because I fucking know this room. Don't say this. And it just makes you go, I'm going to fucking say it. Well, I would do that. Depending on the gig, like, do you guys differ? No, the royal family.

Yeah, yeah. Adam's like, oh, you don't want it? I've got it. But if I'm doing a fucking pub gig in fucking Lancashire or fucking Yorkshire and they're like,

oh, by the way, they don't like the word cunty and I'll be like, right, first word. What's up, what's up cunts my mum's favorite swear word it's everyone's favorite i already like your mum more because of it it's a favorite one i remember years ago very long ago when i had a girlfriend uh my girlfriend was at my house and then do this in dubai this bit and i said to my mom like oh because i thought she was posh she had a garage anyway i was like she doesn't like the word cunt you know she's quite to do so then my mom was like okay i won't say it and then all i could just hear me this cunting dog

this cunting house cunting stinks in here. I was like, oh, fucking hell. That's so funny. Amazing. What was her name? What? The girl. Or my mum.

No. What's your mum's name, lad? Come on in here. We want to know about your family. Ann Ward is my mum's name. What was your first girlfriend's name? Jess. She wasn't my first.

My first was called Jade. I'm still friends with both of them now kind of you are friends with all your exes i i am we were just speaking yeah we were just talking about it before we started recording josh split up with his boyfriend in the first week of the first lockdown and then live with him till september oh so we live from the first of from whenever it happened in march till the end of september was there any lockdown non-committal hanky-panky get like twice just to scratch the itch but like a couple months in between my bum holes itchy yeah get it for me but it wasn't as like i I think both of us knew.

We were just doing it just to get it done. But it wasn't a nasty, it obviously wasn't a nasty. It was a great breakup. Because no one has a nasty breakup and then is like, right, you fucking bastard. I know it's a one bedroom flat, but I can't get out of the tenancy for another six months. We're still mates now. I was texting him yesterday. It was like, luckily, the best breakup you could have and we still live

with each other how did you what did you do to so he went on the sofa and i took the bedroom nice one well you won that one yeah well i don't know how was that decided um i had the bedroom i just said oh i'll have the bedroom. Just got your monkey finger out. Just remember, I've done this to myself. I broke his ribs. I did accidentally break his leg, though, when we was together. That was an accident, though. It wasn't like domestic abuse. What?

Okay. When we was together, we was in Edinburgh, and we was like tie fighting. And I pushed him over and he fucking snapped his leg and then because he snapped

his leg before I have to promise it was an accident but then so we went to the hospital and I felt like a domestic abuser

because the woman was like oh how did you do this and he went oh I fell over but it was me and I was just sat there

looking at him like how did you do it how did you do this and he went oh I fell over but it was me and I was just sat there looking at him how did you do it how did you do it but he did actually do you need to come in a different room love can we just have a oh my god

but yeah so so I have to be friends with him or he could fucking grass on me do you know what I mean so you used to be a boxer you had put people

in toilets and you broke someone's leg by accident that was a genuine accident have you ever hit anyone else emotionally too nice

no yeah but that was an accident yeah yeah keep saying it it'll come through I'm friends with all my exes they fucking

better be mates but yeah we we split up and I thought oh fucking hell I'm gonna live with my ex-boyfriend I'll get loads of

material out of this. And then we got on with each other fine. How did you, what did you do day to day? Because that's quite an intense six months of one being on the couch, one being in a bedroom. How have you got through? It's ended friendships, it's ended housemate relationships, it's ended marriages.

And your six months out, that was fine, honestly. But we never argued when we used to get up of us are right argumentative people right and if we if i was starting to get an idea i'll just go for a walk do you know what i mean but we he did what he did in the living room and i had the bedroom and then in like the afternoon we'd just watch like a film together and then it was nice we kept our distance but this is the best we've ever got on it was it was really lovely actually what a nice story your break up sounds like my marriage we do things over there you sleep there i sleep here sometimes we watch a film together but we still yeah we still text like at least like twice a week

god i'm fine. Just keep in touch. Do you not think that because you broke up so well, it was meant to be? Nah. No, it's not. No, I'm a cat. No, I genuinely don't think it went well.

I think we got on better when we split up. Because it was like, I think we should have been mates from the get-go. But because we met on a dating app, we thought we had to fuck. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But I think we was just... It's on the terms and conditions when you tick it. I think we were all made to be mates.

Do you know what I mean? How long were you together? Only like two years. Right. How's being single in a pandemic? Shit. Because I'm back at my mum's as well. Not breaking the rules.

Back at me cunt in mum's. Not breaking the rules for a little bit. I haven't chagged anyone in months. I've been losing weight. Listen, I'm holding out now so that I'll rather wait a bit longer so that when I do it, I'm like... Ta-da! It's like Joseph and his technicality.

Get yourself some glasses, call yourself a nerd. Yeah, I just look sexy. Touch this dick. I won't headbutt or anything. Shall we have a little interval? Yeah, I need some chocolate as well because I'm getting light-headed. I need a wee. Right.

Okay. Okay, good. Great point for a break. I need a wee. Right. Okay. Okay, good. Great point for a break.

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down your table shandy and tell a friend this is Have A Wad right final section of episode, what are we on? 103? 103.

It's 103. Yes. You're moving to London? Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons we broke up as well. But yeah, I'm supposed to be moving, obviously like gigs and stuff. And then I'll come back up here all the time

to make the money on clubs or whatever. Mate, that's the touch, isn't it? That's what Joe Lycett did. He was down in London, got a place in London, and then when he was up in Birmingham, stayed at his parents', and he basically did half and half. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do this day.

It's a fucking treat. The only thing that scares me about that for you, and I don't want to piss on your chips, every comic I know that lives in London who isn't from there is miserable. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I'm not a miserable person. London will get you. It fucking won't.

You can try. It won't. I think I'll be all right. Because when I started Commodate, I tried to live in London with my friend Tora and it was two of us in a bedroom. So it's two single beds and that was shit. But I'll go there with like making all right money off comedy.

So I'll be able to do stuff. Yeah, yeah. It'll be different. And I'm going to like, I know that I'm only going to be there for a couple of years. So I'm just going to have fun. Yeah, Manchester's there if you yeah when and if isn't it yeah so it's like Tory who flyered for me when you flyered for me yeah so I met Josh I think had we met before I don't think so we met when he flyered for me in 2017 like that year that I put like a big flyer in

teams together for that small room Josh was one of my flyers oh funny it was uh when did I compare your first gig that was my that was my second gig that was 2015 god almighty that feels like longer ago yeah so five years ago but um because do you remember I didn't I I didn't know you had to have five minutes on the gong, so I had three minutes and then went to walk off, and you was like, no, carry on, carry on. I remember sometimes there's a compare where you've been doing it a bit and then you compare new nights. You see rough diamonds and it's the most fun.

The three acts that are most fun to watch are the people who come down from Glasgow, and they've been doing it a year and a half, and they're decent. Or they come up from London, or they do a car share from Cardiff or something, and you're like, wow, that act is ready to crack on and move on the ranks.

And then there's the lunatics who are insane, do not know what they're doing, and just watching them be like, it's fucking great. But then also the people who come on, don't really know what they're doing, aren't sure what's happening, and are fucking funny.

And you can tell, I remember seeing you, that was, and you still do it now sometimes, you're like, are you alright? I'll fucking end you. do it now sometimes and you're like are you alright I'll fucking end you and it totally

took me back like it's so funny I hadn't seen anyone do anything like that my name's Josh and then all of a sudden like but I will fucking end you

aggressive I remember that year when you flyered for me because you really made me laugh one day because you know like in Edinburgh when obviously

the people who fly up for you, for your show up there, tend to be other comics or someone who just wants to make a bit of money so they can be at the festival for a few weeks or whatever. And you did the full run for me. And one day, you know, when you get a little text from a flyer, they're going, I'm not coming in today, I don't feel well. And you're like, bollocks, what happened?

And you text me and said something like, I'm not coming in today. I got really drunk last night. I've shagged some guy and I don't want to leave yet. Yeah, it was a Brazilian guy. Oh, listen. I just loved the honesty of her text back. I was like, yep.

I hadn't finished what I wanted. Do you know what I mean? I was getting... I ain't got what I wanted. Yeah, I was... I love it. You can't really bollock someone. Oh, no, I loved it. The honesty of it. Yeah, fuck some guy and I want... I love it. You can't really bollock someone. Oh, no, I loved it.

The honesty of it. Yeah, fuck some guy and I want to do it again. It was so fit. It was really... I didn't deserve it. Oh, it was great. I didn't deserve it. Thank you.

It was so gorgeous. So much. Was he good, though? Because I always think sometimes the stunners aren't so his face was minging but his body was insane he had the best bum

I've ever seen you're like me thanks for tuning in minging face so I forgot about that yeah it was really really funny that

it was really funny I could imagine you being quite good at flyering I was and then when you weren't banging a brazilian guy yeah i was quite i think i was good at it and then when it got to the point where it was like i like the year after i was like i don't want to do this anymore and then last edinburgh i didn't have to fly her for the show that i was on so i was like now i'm never gonna do it again

but i was all right i'd just be like, ah! I've done five Edinburgh's, and the only one I flied for was the last one in 2018. I always fly for my own show. Yeah, I think it was partly becoming mates with you, and just I rang. It was one of the weirder conversations of my professional career, going, I'm going to ring a comic that has been doing this nine years less than me and go, how do I need to sell this Edinburgh show?

And you were like, get out there, do your own team. And I did, and it helped fill the room. I didn't mind it. I was in charge. I wasn't paying out to a promoter. I wasn't losing money because they should have been doing the flyer in. I got out there, and so many of the people just a bit older and like

I want to fill this room, I want to do a good job and when they saw you out there and you had a really nice poster and you had some good credits like Comedians Comedian Best MC, a Chortle Award nomination, some good reviews they were like, it really helped the relationship between audience and

comic, I had my most fun in the room because people were turning up going yeah we like you we met you instead of you being this faceless like

I'm too big for this you'll have seen some students doing it for me it helped it definitely helps like if you have a way with them

do you know who else was a great like member of the team that year another comic was Harry Staccini Harry flied for me that year as well.

And he's so affable. He just woke up to big groups of people and he'd always have a backpack on. And I think he just looked like a lost like, Eastern European lad. He was going to go up and go, excuse me, do you know how to find this place? So he was going to people going, yeah, right. And they'd go, you okay

mate? And he'd be like, yeah, I just want to tell you about this show. And he had such a, you couldn't say no to him. He had like that last 20 minutes when you're looking to fill the room, he got so many more people in Harry. Shout to Harry. That year I fired for Chris Washington's show

and then as soon as I finished that I fired for yours. And then our show went to about half ten. While she had my room, there's an hour and a half before me so you didn't even have to move really did you

you just had to put his flyers in your bag and get my ones out I had a little five minute sick break and then got back to it brutal watching someone fly her badly innit

and they're just like they're working for an agency they don't care and they're just like I'd rather that than the fucking like knobheads

who just go too far there was this stupid bitch across the road from where you did it oh it did me fucking i did every every day i just hear her go kabam and i just wanted to go kabam and in the fucking face i was like yeah she was always like ka-choopow. And I was like, get it by the bus. She was a gobshite. Yeah. Kabam. Yeah, she had like one of those, you know,

when you can look at someone and tell they stink? Like one of those people. Do you know what I mean? I know. Yeah, I sort of do. I started. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I smell it. She was fucking ugly. Yeah, it was fucking unbearable. Pachow. Would she do that to me every day? And I'd be like, you've to me every day and i'd be like you've seen me every day you know i'm flying me on but she'd do like with her legs like and it was just like what are you doing i don't even know if you can make those noises when you're white yeah and she's just like in the street i'm not

taking a flyer that that's racially offensive. Because all the, I know a lot of black people are like, Carl, have we got any correspondence? We have, yeah. My camera's gone off, so you can't see me,

but you can hear me. That fucking camera. This is from Lewis Watts. I hope you're all keeping well. My question is, what celebrity death had the most impact on you? So any celebrities, Dad,

and it's actually like you actually cared or... Did that hit you hard? Did you? Did she die? Do you want a minute? Do you need a minute? It's just weird to bring it up today.

I was thinking of us on the way here. Yeah. We mentioned dead mums before and you didn't seem bothered but Mother Teresa Mother Teresa she's a celebrity though isn't she

she's not a celebrity is she yeah she's celebrated she's a famous person I think you could cut Carl I think there's a difference between celebrity and famous though isn't there

she's an icon yeah stick her on the wall another one of me female icons yeah whoever we've just been sent Kevin Webster we would really like someone She's an icon. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Stick her on the wall. Another one of me female icons. Yeah. We've just been sent Kevin Webster. We would really like someone to send a postcard.

A signed Mona Lisa picture. Hello, lids. Fucking rats. When did she die? Old, were you? Oh, mate. Time blurs when you're so gutted about something. She was such a huge part of your life at this point as well I think she died before I was born

No, no, you were alive You were only five years of age I was five? Yeah In the 90s? 97, she died She had such a, like, posthumously She had such an effect on my life

I found out about it after that And then I was upset that she died Yeah, but have you heard about the conspiracy about Mother Teresa? What is it? That she's still alive. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and she was in Bewitched.

Yeah. Yeah. No, no, that's a true conspiracy. That's why that song starts with some people say I look like my dad. The father. So, Adams' Mother Teresa, Dan and he...

No, it's actually Alan Rickman do you know five years today five years today I reckon it actually was oh no it was Kobe it actually was Kobe

and I'm not a basketball fan but it was just like it was the way he died and his daughter going with him it was Kobe spun me head it was horrible

the daughter yeah in the middle of a shit year that was a bit much wasn't it yeah Kobe it was and I don't know why I remember talking to you about it it's a daughter it's a bit yeah in the middle of a shit year that was a bit much wasn't it yeah yeah Kobe

it was and I don't know why I remember talking to you about it yeah saying like this has affected me in a way that I can't really explain because I'm not

I wasn't a fan of his at all and also the fact that his daughter died as well it was a daughter but that was the maybe yeah and mine's if I'm being honest mine's

you what who Kirsty McCall yeah that's the name yeah she died in a speedboat If I'm being honest, mine's... You what? Who? Kirstie McCall. Yeah, that's her name. Yeah? She died in a speedboat. No one will know that.

Did the Capella chop an head off? The Capella? The Capella. Fabio Capella. What's he called? The Capella. The Capella. Mine was one of the Chuckle Brothers, but it's not quite...

Which one of the Chuckle Brothers is that? Yeah, Barry, really. I just needed to remember which chuckle brother it was but it's really cut me deep it's cut me deep so i feel like with like a good bit of makeup you could replace him as a member of the chuckle brothers yeah like it wouldn't take more than an hour in in the one who's alive horrible carl the one's Alive is related to those people in Blackpool from Gogglebox. I saw that on the internet the other day. Oh, is it? Pub quiz?

Oh, the one that lives in... They live in the caravan. Pub quiz? No, erm... When's that come up in the Black Horse? It's the brother and sister, innit? Yeah, the brother and sister from Gogglebox. They're younger.

They're younger. They're younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know Gogglebox is weirdly fucking quite good television. It's great. Is his second name Chuckle? Barry Chuckle. Yeah.

It is. It is Chuckle, yeah. Yeah. Honours birthday certificate. Paul Chuckle. Paul and Barry Chuckle. Just so happens that's a funny way they went into coffee. Mother Teresa. Or certificate. Paul Chuckle. Paul and Barry Chuckle. Just so I know, that's a funny way they went into coffee.

Mother Teresa, or Kobe, Barry Chuckle. Yeah, I just through grief couldn't remember specifically which one. Yeah,

of course. Do you know why, because someone that we follow on the Have A Word Twitter account at Have A Word Pod, retweets a lot of stuff from fucking Paul Chuckle. It just comes up occasionally.

I'm like, why am I seeing Barry Chuckle memoriams? Stop making me give a shit about Barry Chuckle. Genuinely, is there a celebrity that's got to hear? Because it's obviously not. I think it's funnier saying Barry Chuckle than Kobe. So, you know, I went with Kobe.

I went with Barry Chuckle rather than the, yeah, Kobe because his daughter died. Great question. I want to answer the question. It's Alan Rickman for me. Yeah. Because he was part of my formative years with Harry Potter. Alan Rickman. He's my favourite character. I mean, if we're really doing it, it's Robin Williams.

Oh, yeah. That was horrible. Mine's Carolina Hearn. What a way to go, though. Carolina Hearn. Oh, yeah, that was a body. Carolina Hearn from Rolf Hamelin. I thought you meant Caroline Flack for the second, then,

which wasn't... Carolina Hearn's death will always be now attributed to the TV warm up where they made me go on

to do TV warm up after playing the bit from the Royal Family where Ricky Tomlinson like sort of talks to her

when she's having a baby after the baby there's that there's that really hot scene yeah so after Carolina Hearn died I was doing warm up at Salford

for the BBC for the BBC showcase the Salford showcase and you had to go on after that second night I've got Johnny Vegas

Peter Kay in the building Johnny Vegas and his Agent Bev absolute pair of fucking legends in the audience

pressure's on do you think? The night before, I had Russ Abbott, who was like a childhood hero of mine, just a very pressurised, you're the TV warm-up guy, no one gives a fuck about you, all these famous people that you care about are in the audience

and we're going to undermine you every step. Carolina Hearn had died eight months before, and they were like, Dan, didn't tell me in the book-in, just, Dan, we're going to do a little tribute to Carolina Hearn had died eight months before, and they were like, Dan, didn't tell me in the booking, just, Dan, we're going to do a little tribute to Carolina Hearn. The director was going to come on and speak about her, because obviously it's so important. This is not just BBC, this is Northern BBC.

She's so attached to that. They played the clip, spoke about her, everyone's down, then they played the clip, tearjerker, then they electronically the clip, tearjerker, then they electronically closed the curtain. They didn't want anyone to go on after that because it'd be too sad. And they asked me to walk out at the same speed as the curtain

to start the TV warm-up. There was no break. They literally played the most tearjerking bit of the Royal Family. The whole crowd is like, even Johnny Vegas looks sad, and then fucking Numbnuts has to time his walk with the curtain. I went, you all right?

I'm the warm-up guy. Everyone's like... Yeah, that was tough. That's a hard gig. Yeah, I just went, that was really moving. And this isn't going to be easy, but my job is the TV warm-up guy. So we're going to crack on now. Dry your eyes.

I just had to try and make it funny. Forking hell. Have you ever met someone famous and been overwhelmed? No, no. No. Like, I've got a little bit starstruck, but not like, ah! I cried. With who?

Saran Jones. Saran Jones from Coronation Street and The Bill. Well, Scott and Bailey, which is my Game of Thrones. Have you not seen Scott and Bailey? Oh, what's the fancy Saran Jones? What have we just watched? Gentleman Jack. Yeah. Last year. Oh, my God, that watched? Gentleman Jack, last year.

Oh my God, that's so good. She's amazing, Saran Jones. She's one of the best people that's ever lived, I think. One of the best people. So where did you meet her? Not actress. So I was working as one of those charity muggers in the street, just trying to get people.

How old were you? Nine. It's fucking real. I was trying to get people to sign up you? nine it's fucking real I was trying to sign get people to sign up to this charity and you get told what was the charity?

oh it was dead hard sell it was like a ten pound minimum about for deaf kids who's gonna fucking put money

in for that it was well hard anyway what? deaf kids just doesn't do the metrics does it not? was your pitch

falling on deaf ears? oh my god everyone one two three call me oh that literally dishonored his memory but yes i was doing the fundraising you're pleased with it You're pleasing in that one? Sorry, Josh. Don't be daft. So I was doing the fundraising and you get told to fuck off all the time, so just whatever. And then I just turned around,

automatically started doing the speech and she was there and I just froze and didn't say anything. And she looked at me like... And just like walked off. And then I dropped my clipboard, ran in the Arndale Centre, went in the cubicle and cried.

Oh my God. Because I was just like, so overwhelmed. Didn't you say hello to her? No, I couldn't. There's some people, I'm not very good under pressure. And if there's some celebrities,

like if Adele walked in this room, I'd just kill myself. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't speak to her. You couldn't speak to Adele? No. room, I'd just kill myself. I couldn't speak to her. You couldn't speak to Adele? No. Why?

I'd fucking... I'd sing for Adele Meeks. She's so normal, though. Never mind, I'll find... I'd be too like... I'd just like her too much that I'd just... I couldn't... In case it's bad, it'd ruin the experience.

Did you see that thing with Adele where they got some Adele... Lookalikes. Lookalikes. I've watched it so many times. They were like Adele tribute acts, and then they put the prosthetic makeup on Adele, and then made her pretend to be an Adele tribute act. But I was quite...

And then she went on at the end, and it was great. The six of them were all like... I'm going to start going, hang on, is that... Is that her though? That's actually her she does come off as pretty fucking sound Adele doesn't she

no she does I was a bit pissed off with those six though because I was like fucking hell you're a bit underwhelmed if it was me I would have been like

striking like oh I don't deserve it but they were just like oh that's Adele oh god you're supposed to be fans they didn't they looked like they didn't give aiddal I'm like you're supposed to be fans they didn't

they didn't give a fucking shit I was quite underwhelmed with their reaction well they didn't kill themselves is there anyone you'd have that sort of reaction with like someone famous oh I don't who would really who would get you is it someone from comedy

or have I been sort of have we done enough gigs to know how not to act like a bellend in front of famous comics? I don't think there's a comic now. Comedy doesn't... Like, because comedy, because you do it and you know the steps and it's not as, like, fascinating. But I don't know nothing about music.

Do you know what I mean? Denzel Washington. Be a mad one, wouldn't he? Yeah. Ooh, Tom Hanks. Yeah, that level of like, they have been like star of screen and everything from like...

Eats kids. The time... I literally do not want to hear your stupid cunting conspiracies about Tom fucking Hanks. Tom Hanks eats children. Oh, for the love of God. Why would he do that?

Josh, do you want to do a podcast with me? Can I come to London with you? I'll bring my arm for the couch. He does. He took a picture of the pavement and put it on Instagram, and that's a sign to the nonce community that he wants a new kid sent into Greece. He's a fucking dum-dum. Greece he's a fucking dum-dum

this guy's a fucking dum-dum yeah Tom I think someone like Tom Hanks, Denzel like if you met Brad Pitt Notting Hill one of my favourite films if you met Brad Pitt you would be like alright Brad how you doing mate I think it would make you be like don't be a dick

that's why I'd freak out not that I'm like oh my god they're so famous in my head i'm like don't say something stupid don't say something stupid don't say so that in my dreams i don't wake up like oh god i can't believe i said that in front of fucking brad pitt i i don't have that i just cry in front of them if it was someone i'm like but but again i'll be more saran jones to me is more impressive than Brad Pitt I think she's one of the best actors we've got do you know what I mean

right so and she went she went to my college that's why how would you be with Jürgen I

I think I'd be fine bit excited though yeah I'd be like fucking hell Jürgen like that you're so normal isn't he though yeah

he's really normal he's not Hollywood is he like Mourinho's more Hollywood who's fucking hell, Jürgen. Like that. He's so normal, isn't he, though? Yeah. He's really normal. He's not Hollywood, is he? Like, Mourinho's more Hollywood. Who's Jürgen? Jürgen Klopp is the manager of Liverpool Football Club. Ah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, it seems sort of feasible for that to happen. Denzel Washington seems so unfeasible. Do you know what I mean? Well, when you're in the Albert Hall, when Adam did the Bill Bear, not Walmart support support Ryan Reynolds was watching

yeah Ryan Reynolds I've seen me do Sander we can see him up the top which is fucking insane and someone from Van Wilder was in Nike yeah

I love that film you've done stand up in front of Ryan Reynolds yeah look at you that's so good Josh I'm not sure you're getting involved

in comedy for the right reason off the curb where do you see yourself performing for Saran Jones and Miami Nuggets how would you react if you were on stage

at like the Frog and you just like you look like you're two minutes in three minutes in you're smashing it you're just ripping and you just glance over

and on like a a hen do Saran Jones Saran Jones Saran Jones oh Frog obviously being from Manchester

it's such a good club I won't give a shit about the rest of the 17 minutes on stage I'd be like Saran I'd be like fuck this gig

fuck all you who paid your money I'm sitting with Saran Jones and then I'll get there and then I'll just cry and ruin a night. Ryan Reynolds has just bought

shares in Wrexham. Yeah, he's now a... If they're coming to visit Wrexham, they're not staying in Wrexham. Which town that's very picturesque and has got some lovely hotels and Americans love is 20 minutes up the road?

Chester. Chester's right there. Liverpool, Manchester, only an hour, hour and a bit from Wrexham. I reckon there is a chance Ryan Reynolds might be

knocking about at Alexander's. I don't know. Get Ryan Reynolds on the pod. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Get Van Wilder on. Yeah.

Did you wank off a duck? Did you really wank off a duck? Can you get Serrana? We're working on getting Michael Lavelle on. You know, Kevin Webster. Okay. That'd be good. I do a pretty good Kevin Webster impression

I've heard it Do you know if If ever he comes up with A Kevin Webster based conspiracy I'm out I'm just dropping them I'm going to un-fucking screw the mic and drop it and walk Maybe he is Kevin Webster.

That's the conspiracy. My dad, Kevin Webster, never been in the same room. Imagine Ryan Reynolds coming on and you being like, hey! Getting his fucking videos up on YouTube. No, it is good. Listen, Ryan. Did you see Ryan in the audience? Was he like that? I saw him. He's seen him in one. Listen, Ryan. Did you see Ryan in the audience? Was he laughing?

I saw him. He's seen him in one of the like VIP boxes. Did he look like did he understand anything? I couldn't hear his inner monologue when he was

He was but he's very expressive as an actor. Oh, was he laughing? Yeah. Oh. It was quite dark but I saw him like

in the doorway talking to someone like god knows who it's talking and i text him i don't know if you already knew yeah i think you already know carl's carl's best mate is doing the biggest gig of his career so far and carl's watching ryan reynolds watch his best mate i went i paid good money to watch a drag queen american one that i'm obsessed with. I was dead excited for ages, but Kate Beckinsale was in the audience, so I watched Kate Beckinsale watch the show instead of watching it. Yeah.

But it was stunning. I've never seen someone... When you go and see a drag queen, what do they do? Well, loads of them do different stuff. Some of them do comedy. This one was more... Well, she was hosting um porn idol which is a big show it's like a strip show and she was hosting it but she she's i don't

know she does like dancing and splits and stuff she's good but loads of them do different shit yeah there's like yeah it's comedy singing is a big thing, isn't it? Yeah. I can't think of another thing that drag queens do. They'll do your tax return. Lip sync and stuff. Right. So the lip sync to songs. But it's good. But my favourite ones do comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boss, have we got any other questions? Yeah, this is from Sean Taylor. You have five minutes to hide a paper clip anywhere in your house. A detective then comes in and has 24 hours to find it. If he doesn't get it, you get 50 grand. Where are you hiding the paper clip?

That's a fucking unbelievably good question. Is that Art Sharnie? That's Sharnie, yeah. Big Sharnie, yeah. Fucking Hall of Fame Sharnie. Can I put it up my arse? No, it needs to be in your house. I'll stay in my arse the whole time.

Did you say the same thing? Well, I'm guessing the detective will think it's up your arse. I don't think detectives can just go, right, bend over. We've got a warrant for what? Your arse. Let's say it can't be on your person, otherwise you'd just swallow it, wouldn't you?

Can I put it in his pocket? Oh, you are clever. Yeah, but how are you doing that? Do you mean... As he comes in, just go, let me pat you down, make sure you're not wearing a wire. You're going to pat him down.

I've got a warrant. You're not going to go in his pocket to find his phone or chew his nothing over the 24 hours? I'll be able to touch that my paper clip, that's yours. You can't hide it up your arse or in the detective's pocket. You can't hide it in your ass or in the detective's pocket. You have to hide it. I'd put it in a piece of fruit in the fridge. Okay.

Oh, God, you don't want to forget that. That's there. I don't eat fruit. He hasn't got fruit in his fridge. That would be the weirdest thing. I don't even think you keep a lot of fruit in the fridge. I keep all your fruit in the fridge I do anyway

I've got a fruit bowl Maverick I tie it to a piece of string And then flush it down the toilet Right And then tie the string to the underside of the Yeah The underside of the toilet

And if he checked the toilet And said why is there a piece of string Going round the u-bend in your toilet No it's not a string It's like thin wire Oh thin wire I'm sorry Ned Shut up me arse.

Can you open up the paper? You can do it, won't you? So I'd open it up and stick it in between the ridges of a toilet roll. Stick it in a bog roll. I feel like he's going to find that. All right. Right. You're not going to beat Adam's up my arse.

Find me a better place than up my arse. In his pocket, apparently. Not my pocket. No, his. In a banana. As well, if the police... This is for murder. If I did murder someone, my stepdad's got OCD,

so no detective team will find shit once he's finished cleaning it. Right, real OCD. We were talking about this in the first section. There's been a lot of beautiful symmetry. Yeah. Very nicely done. Has he got proper OCD? Yeah, like proper clean.

Everything's got to be ridiculous. Diagnosed by a doctor? No, he won't go, but we know. What are you talking about how clean the doctor's surgery is? When you wash your hands you've got to like spray the sink out and dry it out

when you have a bath you've got you have baths instead of showers because of condensation it's like right it's proper

I can't remember the last time I cleaned the sink I there is a fine line isn't there where because I love it having a tidy house

I love it but living with someone with OCD I shared a tidy house i love it but living with someone with ocd i shared a house with barry and it was hard work yeah it's just like everything just disappeared or got fucking thrown out or putting it and it just it looked like we just moved in every day for the two years we lived my mum's house is like a show house but i've got used to it now i kind of like it i can't stand mess now i've kind of gone it. I can't stand mess now. I've kind of gone a bit that way. Oh, I've lived with some grubby motherfuckers. I'd hide it

in the keyhole on the front door because if he's not leaving in 24 hours, he wouldn't look. Yeah. There was a weird pause there, wasn't there? There was a weird pause. There was a weird pause. Have we got that we could edit out but we're not going to.

No. We've got all the real shit. Just for you and me, Adam. Just for you and me. We've got a have a word, but I pulled one up, but then we talked about your ex. But I actually think you, this is quite good because

because you're quite good with your exes maybe you could give some good advice should we do this yeah go on press the button what a hummer that guy

oh god yeah I don't know if I can say it it makes me look like a bad person everything does you're awful you're on a podcast with us too

a shot on his dick for revenge oh yeah yeah yeah Josh when do you come back on this podcast I am not joking you have been

one of my favourite guests for a while thanks mate you have been this is what we've been doing this a while we worked out

did Harry Robinson the goat I think this is 149 this is 149 it's 150 sorry we're including the patron all you want is someone that can talk

and who is funny but what we know is sometimes it's just about throwing some stuff out there that's all it is and then one of you runs with it or you don't

or you throw something else out you have been an absolute throwing machine it's been like watching a fucking Hall of Fame podcast just come on like,

yeah, fucking chopped my finger off, corrupted, I've shat on a dick, I worked in a chip meet illegally, there's balls sailing over the... Oh, mate, you shat on his dick for revenge. Does that not happen a lot anyway? No. See, this is why it stresses me out

when straight people talk about anal because you don't know what you're doing and you've got no business being there. Because it pisses me off. Looking for paper clips. No, when I... See, this is how I got away with it. Because if I would get anally penetrated,

I'd douche everything. It's like fucking... Do you remember Kim and Aga? Like, they'd be now cleaning me fucking... I'd douche me big steps. Have you ever douched your bumhole? Yeah. Yeah, I have as well.

Why? Because I was getting a finger up there. What? What? Oh, like medically? No. Isn't a finger more of a like... A sexy little poke while I was getting a blowy?

Hang on, love. Put your finger away. I'll give you the nail clippers. Give me the douche. She didn't want to get poo on her finger. I think that's fair enough. Sexy. Fair enough.

I'll just go in the bathroom. I'll get the water high. I'll get low. Yeah. See, this is why I would never go near a straight guy because like I can't go near an asshole

if it's not been douched like I'm sorry I've just if not a bush took a trial like I won't it's a good move for life though

don't go near an asshole unless it's been douched no yeah I wouldn't what Steve Shantoski is lying about it like like be playing a fucking game

of kaplunk absolute nightmare so you need it all prepped yeah lying about it. Like, be playing a fucking game of Kaplunk. Absolute nightmare. So you need it all prepped. Yeah. Right. But that's what porn stars do, innit? Porn stars,

they don't eat for like, 12 hours before, they douche, it's all clean. I take supplements, fibre supplements, so like,

Firm it up. So everything's together, quick access out, it's done. That's a bit disgusting, but a bit disgusting but this time you didn't douche no so right can i give a backstory because i look like a dickhead of a dog right i am can i just say this isn't the have a word and we might not be doing the you know you've just got this feeling that this might be headlining the so basically i was seeing this guy for ages on and off and he wasn't treating me very well adam he was a bit mean actually well he wasn't mean but he was a dick anyway he was more i was well

more into him than he was me and i think he knew it and he was just always in and out of my life and i thought i've had enough of this i need to get him out my life proper so one day he said i'm back in manchester can i stay at yours and i was like yeah so i spent the day i feel sweaty talking about it i spent the day like drinking cans of fosters and stuff and and then and what drinking cans of fosters and loads of like horrible food and then what did you eat um i i had like chips just loads of like carbs and like but i had a good few cans of fosters and then why is fosters like every gay man knows but um so basically then he came round, we were naked, and he was like, have you douched? And I said, yes.

And then he started, and yeah, I shot on his dick for the revenge. Was it a big, runny one? It was like a pebble dash. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, but I'm not sorry. I, yeah, and do you know what? Oh my God, I'm so sorry, but I'm not sorry. Yeah, and do you know what? I just wanted to scare him, mentally, and I think I did. But it was awful because he was like,

obviously like, what the fuck is going on? And I had to pretend that it was an accident. So I was like, oh, sorry. Do you know what the funniest bit is is the idea that several hours before you're like angrily eating

a chicken tikka why didn't you just text him and say don't come round that's more of a it isn't Wes that's more of a

sign that you want to be with him and shitting all over him yeah but he wants to scar him he said just going please don't come round I don't think he's getting up well he'll be fucking devastated for life there shitting all over him. Yeah, but he wants to scar him, he said. Just going, please don't come round.

I don't think he's getting up. Ah, well, he'll be fucking devastated for life there, shitting all over someone. He didn't treat me very well, and I just thought, do you know what? I'm going to shit on your dick. I'm going to shit on your dick, and I did. I bummed a woman once, and she shit the bed.

Thanks for listening. Press the button. Turn it off. Thanks for listening. Is this the lockdown locking already? Did she know she was going to get bummed? Did she, Adam? Let's hope she did.

Because that's a hot button topic recently. She asked. She was like, fuck me in the ass. So was she prepared? Well, she obviously wasn't prepared for it. No, she didn't. Can I ask, love? Have you had any fosters recently?

Yeah. We were getting into it and she said, I want you to fuck me in the ass, so I did. And then she pooed the bed. After we'd finished. Jordan, not after. At least I did it on purpose. Yeah.

Maybe she did. Yeah, maybe she did. Fucking weird. Dirty protest. Was it the Mother Teresa? Would you shag Mother Teresa if she was still alive? No, she's too much of a hero to you. Has she ever been

Goosed I'd fuck Barry Chockel Wanda Teresa Was she celibate Or is she I'm gonna google that Oh it's a conspiracy that

What What does Goosed mean Shagged Never heard that I think it's like a Scoutism Oh right

Is it Do you know what Goosed means Yeah Yeah I mean sometimes I think Goosed means Knackered.

She was, yeah. Oh, it was absolutely goosed. She was celibate. She was celibate. I want me to go, yeah. Yeah, she got fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got a really good Google.

Did Mother Teresa get goosed? Scouse Google, lad, she fucking loved it. She shot everywhere, but she'd been drinking Heineken. Yeah, but imagine getting it. She shot everywhere. But she'd been drinking Heineken. Yeah, but imagine getting to be the only person. Like Mother Teresa comes up and going, hey, just letting you know. Me and her did it.

You know? The Have A Word podcast is out every Monday. If you'd like it earlier, you can sign up on Patreon. Patreon.com slash haveawordpod. You'll also get a Patreon exclusive where we talk about Mother Teresa and Barry Chuckle and such nonsense. Josh, honestly, this has been a terrific... It's been one of the best ones for a while, hasn't it?

And we love a quality repeat. We will have you back. Yeah. Before you get your, you know, get down to London and leave us in the north. Or if you move to London before we get him back, we'll get you back and you can tell us tales of what it's like down there. Ah, the posh London dick. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Posh. Great career move. Yeah. Just getting out of Houston. I'm here! No, I'm going for the career,

but I'm also going for the posh London dick. Yeah. You know London's got more poverty than any other city in the UK? I know, but I'll just ignore that dick and go straight for the pos London dick. Yeah. You know London's got more poverty than any other city in the UK? I know, but I'll just ignore that dick and go straight for the posh dick. It's also got more wealth than any other city.

You've just got to take a left, not a right. Yeah. Yeah. The wealthiest city in the world, eh? Pov dick. Must have some good dick. It's got some rich dick.

Oh, yeah, it has. No fosters, all right? No fosters. Thanks for listening, everyone. It's been an absolute pleasure. Adamski, do you want to close it out or am I closing it out Josh are you going to plug yourself Oh yeah come on give us your apps

I don't know I have to tap on my head Can I look at my phone We'll just find it Lockdown lock in Tell a friend sign up Get involved it is released on Friday The 22nd of January At 6pm I We put it out at

6pm. I'm already regretting saying we'll do one, you know. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. What are you drinking? Johnny Bongo's bringing us Buckfast and some peat in or whatever it's called. No. You've got to do it properly.

Can't get Johnny Bongo in and then be like, I'm on the shandies. Don't be a fucking pussy I can and I can get called a pussy all day I don't want to lose a kidney I want to gain some patrons patreon.com slash have a word part it's released on Friday the 22nd genuinely the most fun we ever have as a podcast

is on the lockdown lock-ins it's so fun getting bevvied up there's nothing else to do get drunk along with us there'll also be the lockdown lock-in bingo. We'll retweet that. So every time we say some stupid nonsense, you can drink. Josh, where can we find you doing your wonderful thing? Right, so I've just had a look what I'm called.

It's joshiejones92 on Instagram. And then I'm on TikTok's joshjonescomedy. And I have a podcast, Dead Drama comedy and I have a podcast dead drama where I slag off dead people wow there we go been an absolute pleasure see you again batteries