Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #104 with Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be.

Have a word. Oh, Carl, you're looking good. No, what happens is, sometimes my hair looks silly in the... So you were having a little check? Oh, I've seen him do it. I've done it. I've never seen Carl do it. He's a fucking poser, you know.

I'm not. I just don't want my hair to look shit in front of fucking tens of thousands of people. He'll make us take like 300 photos, because he looks a bit weird. You know, like a pre-menstrual... No. Adam, can you tell the truth please I'm telling the truth

like the most annoying hen night in the nightclub what he's doing here is he's talking about himself I'm putting my name in it I'm absolutely not I do it all the time you're like

oh no my hair looks stupid on that I'm not smiling right on that my eyes are closed you're joking there aren't you I'm absolutely not I'm not no he's not

how many times how many times am I sober for pictures and you're in venus exactly so i wouldn't be bothered would i remember how many times do i do a little instagram story and you're like show me no do that again and you think yeah because yeah because most of the time i'm sitting there like fucking scratching my ass or something so you you just do instagram stories without going live i'm gonna do instagram stories and i'll just do a boomerang you know content is king so i'll like go from the screen to carl and he'll go show me that and he'll go oh no and he fixes it and he'll be like go do it again yeah so if you ever enjoy my instagram stories with him it's probably take three because he's

a fucking bitch you know what though carl you look good mate i just didn't know you had that streak of vanity no i just sometimes my hair looks shit in the fucking in the air sometimes it's just one hair out of place and does me i didn't for weeks it's brutal when you look like me when you and you people like god you're so vain you're like it's not that with stand up it's something in your head when you're going in front of 300 people and they don't know you and you want them to like you you're just like checking that you don't look like a fucking moron well you're like oh god what are you used to this hang on i've got to say this so do you know um obviously there's a lot of my stand-up on hot water's uh youtube channel and a lot of it is like comparing with and i used to have agreement with them if i've done compared and don't even tell me that it's

going out just put the clip out i'll share it it fine. And you can tell how happy I am in my life by the clips because there's some where I've got my nice jacket on, my hair's done. I've had a shave and stuff. And there's some where I've got a hoodie on with curry stains, long hair that's not fixed. And I'm just like, what the fuck do you do, lad? Even in the life of this podcast, there's times you've looked like, you know, one of those homeless people that look a bit bloated, where you're like, how are you bloated?

Like, what's happened? Have you got an infection from... You're saying he looks like a fat homeless man? Just, there's been a couple of points in the middle of that lockdown. I just clocked the videos, and then if you look at him now, he's looking all sharp,

and he's got his fucking Jimmy Neutron quiff. Looks amazing. It is a big giveaway do you know what he used to do he used to have the worst habit on stage I think you've stopped it no he used to finger his

belly button do you know that I mean no for the first two years it sounds bad has anybody ever noticed has anybody ever noticed how Has anybody ever noticed?

How do you say that? Every single... It must have been like a nervous thing. Sometimes you don't know if you're MCing, but you don't do it if you're doing a set. But yeah, it's like a comfort thing for you and you won't even know. That's really fucking weird.

Because I always itch me when I'm watching the telly. If I'm on the couch, I'll just be like having a little... That's what you do on stage I mean I'll do it like that I mean do you still fit? yeah what's the point of scratching

if you're not going to sniff there's always no judgement but still genuine question if you scratch your gooch do you have a do you check do you know

I'm a pipe smoker come on you've answered the question with a pause I'm going to plead I mean everyone does I'm going to plead the motherfucking fear Come on. You've answered the question with a pause. I'm going to plead the motherfucking fear. But you know everybody like a little bit of scratch and sniff. Come on, brother.

Come on. Don't lie to me now. Love a bit of scratch and sniff. That's how you check if you're all right. Holy shit. That smells like strawberries. I'm either really healthy or I'm dying. It smells like brine. What? It smells like brine what smells like brine

you're an horrible man you need to check yourself in the camera again because you've gone wrong it smells like pork scratchings doesn't it Laura's belly's popped like

she's so pregnant now halfway through that her belly button's gone oh fuck this and it's like it's just popped with the pressure also

the pressure on her the pressure also the pressure on her the pressure we had this amazing moment where she was just like she was getting ready this morning and she had like her knickers on she was like this feels really weird to say this but my uh my fanny's gone really bulbous like all the weight of the baby and the pregnancy is sort of bearing down on her vagine, and she's got bulbous clunge. Bulbous clunge? It's a medical term.

You can look it up. Bulbous clunge? She's got a fat... Sounds like an Etonian. She's got a fat pum-pum, and it's so funny. She was like, honestly, feel it. It's amazing. I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum!

Oh, my gosh. She let me have a little press and yeah. It was honestly like she's in heat. I mean, she's not, she's definitely pregnant. And it's just like a really funny moment. Just like having a little tap of your wife's vagina. She's going, it is, isn't it? It's big, isn't it?

I was like, yes, babe. You've got a big pregnant fanny. Hang on. Can you just for the non-acquainted, because I've never seen a swollen fanny before. You've never lived, child. I'm just wondering, could you describe the difference between a normal pussy and a...

Oh, no, no. It's not a pussy, is it? Just be careful, because it's a public episode. And she does watch, and she will hunt you down and kill you with a fat pom-pom. Okay. How? It's what i said worse

than what you've said you said she's got a bulbous clunge yeah i suppose so why is that not worse than pussy pussy's sexual you know because i you know married her okay um she's got an inflamed vajayjay yeah there you go that seems aggressive. It just looks like it's taken on water. Like a squirrel with two nuts. It looks a bit bloated. It looks like it's... That's really... It's like your knee

the day after you've been for a run. Yeah. There's a little bit of that going on. It's really funny. Check my pom-pom. Is it big?

Yeah, baby, got a big pom-pom. You know it. Do you know the poem? Go on. I know. Do you know the poem that starts

smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu? Do you know that poem? No. Do you know it? No. Right. If you're getting into

poetry as well as rap battles, it's going to be No, no, no, no You're going to enjoy this Finn, just one sec I know you're editing Do you know that poem that I was referencing?

Let me read it out Because I guarantee Someone who's listening Before you read it out Where have you Where's this Where have you come across this? It will become clear

Okay So here's the poem You might recognise it I got sent a pipe by the way Smiling is infectious. You catch it like the flu. When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.

I walked around the corner and someone saw my grin. When he smiled, I realised I'd passed it on to him. I thought about the smile and then realised it's worth. A single smile like mine could travel round the earth.

So if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected. Let's start an epidemic and get the world infected. Well, it's an epidemic, one continent though. Yeah.

I don't think we need to go into the semantics. Oh yeah, pandemic. All right. So that poem was written by Spike Milligan. Really? And up until last year, I thought I wrote it.

What? What? What? Please. How mental are you? So, when I was a kid, I wrote a few poems, right? Go on. Oh, yes. I can't wait for this.

Go on. Oh, yes. I can't wait for this. Sold a few fucking shit, the dead dabs. I was a fucking poet laureate of the Cindy path. I don't want no more. I don't want no more. I am on the floor.

You are being a meanie. I am so excited for this. I'm old, were you? You silly cunt. You silly cunt. silly cunt Oh god Oh god You know it's fun if Adam's crying laughing No it's not even

It's not even that good So I wrote two Right both published Shut up I'm not messing Published Bullshit fellas down there Fucking beautiful Shut up, Ian. I'm not messing. Publicity. The bullshit fella's down there. Fucking beautiful.

You're not going to need it. Large pum-pum wife has moved the bullshit bell. Go on. Right. So, I wrote one of them in the summer between year four and year five. Oh, it's a big summer. Right. I wrote the other one in year six.

So, in year six, our entire class was invited to write, to come up with a poem and they were being submitted into this national competition to go into a book of school children's poetry and mine got selected. And I can't remember what mine was and I've got a confabulated memory, which is that I wrote that Spike Milligan poem.

I thought that's the one I wrote and it went into the book. So that's where that came from. But I did write a published poem and the one in wrote and it went into the book. So that's where that come from. Yeah. But I did write a published poem and the one in the summer between year four and year five, I wrote a limerick that was published in the Beano. Really? Go on. In the Beano.

What was the limerick? I do know it as well because I remembered it yesterday. It was, I once had a brother called Jack who once got stuck in a sack. He couldn't get out, so he let out a shout, and now he's got a bad back. Bino's not doing so well these days. That's fucking dreadful. I'm starting to put it together. I was in year four, or going into year five, and on the

first day of year five, Mr Scully, my year five teacher, who's from Warsawaw big warsaw fan bad breath he uh really painting the picture the first thing he did on the first day of year five he went to have we got a mr adam rowan this class and i was like yeah and he said you want to stand up i stood up and he went i believe you're a poet and I had no idea what he was talking about. And I was like, what do you mean? He went, you had a poem published in the B&O,

and I'd just like to give you the opportunity to read it to the class. This was the first minute of year five. And I had to stand there. He gave me the B&O because he had a copy. And I had to stand there and go, once I had a really cool jacket, once I was stuck in a sack, couldn't get out of the sack, now he's got a bad back. And I went, sir, how do you get that? And he goes, oh, I've read the B&O since I was a child cool jacket once I was stuck in the sack couldn't get out of the shack and I was going bye bye and I went to say how do you get that

and he goes oh I've read the B&O since I was a child pretty sure he was a paedophile how when you finished the limerick

did it how was the response in the room this is Adam's cool for the whole of year five how did you get

through the start of your life because you went from a poet into chess club how have you ended up how have you get through the start of your life because you went from a poet into chess club how have you ended up the cool guy that you've ended up so what where did you come across that that poem that one i think we got read i think maybe we got read that in like year six and i've sort of confused being read that with writing it but where did you just come across it this where is it why is it popped back in your head oh yesterday

i was uh in bed and i uh i was like i started reading poetry to people i was like smooth operator like brave driving me power go on and I went go on when a relationship is new enough that she doesn't go shut the fuck up

that's not yours that's Spike Mulligan's and I said oh yeah and she knew no she did know the poem and at first

you thought it was that good last year I was telling someone else about someone like for some reason I was talking about poetry with someone last year and I was like I else about... For some reason, I was talking about poetry with someone last year,

and I was like, I wrote a poem. It was about smiling. And I remembered the first couple of verses of that, not all the way to the end, about, like, let's get the world infected. I remembered smiling was infectious. You catch it like the flu. When someone smiled at me, I started smiling too. Passed around the corner.

Someone caught me grin. And before long, I realised I passed it on to him. I remembered that. And the person I was telling this is the poem I wrote looked at me and was like

no that's not yours that's a very famous poem about smiling it's basically a little like it's similar to comedy isn't it

when you're like yeah I'm pretty sure I've had a really good idea and then someone goes nah nah you've not you've watched something and forgotten about it

I was listening to Dr. Dre before And I thought I'd written Forgot about Dre Did you? Yeah Is that because you forgot about Dre? I forgot that

Did you go to a bit of a cooler school than Yeah Yeah So going from year four to year five I had a rap phase You had a rap phase Yeah And what's the first lyric of that rap song that you wrote?

Informer. It's still Dre Day. Still Dre Day something. Oh, okay, good. All right, you didn't write all of it then. Bars. A-K something. Famously, Carl has picked one of the hip-hop songs

that drops the N-word very, very quickly. So it's a really good one. And Carl, you thought you'd written it but how did that go it's still dre day sir were you like creative in school right and did you do any writing or drawing not as creative as you you cool guy um i drew a design of a mazda and sent it to mazda oh and they sent it they sent a thank you back going we'll send it to our development team because that's the kind of goony stuff you do when you're a kid i've actually got the letter from like 1990 my mate's mom had just got a mazda and we were like oh we will design cars and my mom took it sent it to mazda and we got an official Mazda letter going, thank you very much, Daniel. You show a lot of talent as a designer,

and we'll pass this on to our... That's it? Yeah. And that got read out, again, read out at school. Schools love doing that, don't they? Like, someone's done something. Adam can't hear anything. No.

Because he's lined up what he's going to say next. You've gone... No, I do know what I'm saying, but I'm listening. But you just went, school's like reading stuff out. Yeah, I'm waiting, because I've remembered something I did in year four it's brutal when they go

get up in front of everyone just like it happened to Adam but I was so young it was primary school and I was so young that like I think it was

maybe it was earlier than 1990 no one gave me stick for it like ooh you wrote to Mazda whereas the older you get the more it's like mazda nonce yeah car adam do you remember anything me and my entire class in year four

designed the second iteration of pokemon really yeah so you know there's the original 150 pokemon yeah right and there was pokemon red pokemon yellow pokemon blue well led by me it was my idea our class invented pokemon orange and i tasked the entire class to go home and draw new pokemon were you teaching names you teaching the class no but like i i it was my idea and the teacher like it's in year four she's like he's being creative let's encourage it and the hot you can ask josh about this 100 true and me me uh my teacher was from nigeria her name was miss ashibi right okay how have you never told me about miss ashibi miss ashibi sounds like a car miss ashibi miss ashibi we we have got a new car it's a missashibi it's not very good i think you might be how you say jag i got a jag car a jag

why is jaguar spelt with three a's um missashby told me off in class once because we had the first four Pokemon, Harry Potter books. And she was like, you've got to read them in order. So we were reading the first one, the Philosopher's Stone, as a class. You know, you sit around and everyone reads a page, whatever.

And I told her, because you were allowed to take books home, I was like, can I take Chamber of Secrets home, the second one? And she was like, you've got to read them in order. And I was like, I've already allowed to take books home, I was like, can I take Chamber of Secrets home, the second one? She was like, you've got to read them in order. And I was like, I've already read the first one. I was lying. And then, I can't remember what bit it was,

but there's a bit in this Chamber of Secrets that contradicts something in the Philosopher's Stone. And I was like, we were reading as a class, and I was like, that doesn't make any sense, Doug's in the Chamber of Secrets and says this. She was like, this is why you're in it in order. Out of my class why did you want to read it out of order

just to be I was just a little gobshite kid you wanted to know things that other people didn't I just wanted to know what everyone didn't know

but yeah we designed loads of new Pokemon and I would sit there at break time and the other members of my class would come to me and be like this is the

Ragamon and it's got hundreds of... The Ragamon! And I was sat there like, no, yes, no. I was doing like Pokemon Tinder, just bin in the pile. Do you remember some of your favourites from the Orange series of Pokemon? I am like 50% sure that in a box in my dad's attic there are still some of these in his what in his attic loft still on yeah johnny dantic fucker yeah i would love it if you got some of them yeah they're really badly drawn yeah but you know like i was just it was the talent i was

working with you you know you can't just it was the talent I was working with you know you can't get the staff yeah where did you take your inspiration from in my head a lot of Liverpool players

have been no I was Gerard Mon Gerard Mon Luis Garcia Zilla what are the names I haven't got a fucking clue

but like I would just draw them and they'd be like make some shit ones as well because there's some shit Pokemon ones so you need a few shit ones for fucking clue, but I would just draw them and make some shit ones as well. Because there's some shit Pokemon, so you need a few shit ones for the new game. But I'm not saying Nintendo owe me any money or anything like that.

Do you know what I mean? Never say that. You don't. But when the second edition of Pokemon came out, Pokemon Gold and Silver, there was some Pokemon that looked scarily like the ones that me and my mates drew. Yeah, and when Mazda brought out a sports car,

it looked fuck all like the special needs effort I sent in late 80s, early 90s. I made pedophile Pokemon cards last year. Pedo Pokemon? Yeah. Who's that pedo? For the quiz. Right. You've already seen.

They've seen me quiz now for Dave to Patreons. Yeah. This is public though. Yeah, but if you're Patreons, you'll have seen Carl's quiz V2. I did one in Japan

and it was who's that paedophile? If you're confused, the lockdown lock-in went out on Friday evening at 6pm. If you haven't signed up to Patreon

and you want to see both of the now legendary lock-ins, patreon.com slash have a word pod. And you also get the entire back catalogue of Patreon episodes, which are a little bit naughty, especially this week's one, which we're almost certainly going to get a lawsuit for.

Let's put it this way. The Les Battersby followed us on Twitter yesterday and it made us all very nervous. Les Battersby got away with... He was the one that got leased, like, shtick. Yeah. That was a weird moment, getting followed by Les Battersby.

Did you... So I never was into Pokemon, and I'm... Obviously, I'm not going to get into it now, but it was just past my... Laura was watching something about SMTV. Oh, yeah. And they were talking about the success that came because they didn't know what Pokemon was

when they started putting it on. So they started doing, Ant and Dec started doing sketches about Pokemon. And Laura's like, oh my God, I watched SMTV. It was like, must watch. And because I'm five, six years older than her, I was like, just completely missed this. SMTV was fucking unbelievable.

Wonky donkey. Wonky donkey. was fucking unbelievable. Wonky donkey. Wonky donkey. Yeah. Wonky donkey. Wonky donkey. When are we talking here? 98, 99? Yeah.

It was before Dick and Dom, wasn't it? On BBC. Yeah. It's like it didn't clash. It was a fucking belted of a morning. You wake up Saturday morning, you've got your Coco Pops, you've got your fucking Crazy Bones. Oh, yeah.

I'm aware of it. But I'm just like, from the generation before, aren't I? We just didn't... Like, what did we have on a Saturday morning? I can't even fucking remember. Pedophiles? Yeah, it was pedophiles. Swap shop?

Swap shop. No, I'm not that fucking old. You absolute twats. News about the war. A speech from the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. You said the radio, didn't you? The wireless. I said in the morning, we sat down for the one hour of BBC broadcasting.

I don't think you can complain about being old anymore while you're sat there sucking on a tobacco-less pipe. This is one of the best things we've had sent in. We've had Mother Teresa recently. Can't see her in the shop, but yeah. Well, Mother Teresa's been sent in. We've got a signed picture of Mother Teresa. We've got a signed Kevin Webster,

a signed Mother Teresa, which is official. What does it say, Dan? It says, top work, you bunch of nonces. Love you, Adam. Mother Teresa. It says, I don't want no more Mother Teresa hashtag 260

so she's she's a big fan she's obviously listened to a lot of the older episodes and actually says God bless you so we're actually

blessed by Mother Teresa we've got in the wall of fame so far blessed by God she's just asking him to tell you Kev Webster

Mother Teresa and Fastino Asperia what a fucking imagine that for a front line oh fucking hell mate Shag Mary avoid them Dan genuinely Teresa and Fastino Asperia. What a fucking... Imagine that for a front line. Oh. Fucking hell, mate. Shag, marry, avoid.

Dem, dem. Genuinely. I'd love to see her fucking ragging on me. I'd shag either of the... Like, honestly, I know you're going to say I love cock, but Mother Teresa there in that picture is 182 years old. She's praying to die.

Still untouched pussy, though. I don't even think she's touched it. It's just... The word isn't offensive, it's the context, isn't it? The way Adam drops pussy. Pum-pum's better. Yeah, it's playful. Untouched, bulbous clunge.

Is that better? No. Who am I marrying? I reckon it's so painful. I don't even know if I want to spend like an hour with any of the three. Michael Lavelle would be all right, wouldn't he? I would shag Tino Esprit. Standard.

Because, you know what? I've shared a football pitch with the man, and he was a nice guy. You know what I mean? A man marked him out the game. Scored and on. A man marked him? No, I'm going to fuck him.

Yeah. Like a real defender. Yeah, but I'm fucking him. I had you in my pocket and my dick in your... I'm not taking his fucking Colombian pipe in my ass. All right. But yeah, I'll have a little fucking dip of him. I'll avoid Kev Webster.

Yeah, you don't want to loop in the Matrix or something. And I'll marry Mother Teresa. Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm not doing it for you! Well, I'm doing it for you! Yeah, I'll marry Mother for you Yeah Marry Mother Teresa You marry Mother Teresa She'd be a good spooner

Yeah Big or little Yeah Try and turn her Is she Ecuadorian? No She's from Where's Mother Teresa from?

She's Italian isn't she? Oh yes This is my house Where is she from? From where? No I mean where she grew up Mother I knew she was born in Skegness Oh she grew up up. I knew she was born in Skegness.

Oh, she grew up in Norway. You knew she was born in Skeggy? She was born in Skegness, yeah. She is born in Skegness? Yes, I know where I'm born. Adam, as we go to bed tonight, you... Can you hold that in front of your face, sorry? No, because I've used really good tape.

It's going to damage the water. Yes. Adam. Yeah? Is she smoking? It's not the only pipe I want tonight, Adam. Adam.

This is so disrespectful what are we doing with our lives can you imagine though right Adam do you think we're going to be fully monetised imagine if I'd have said 18 months ago that Dan's going to be stuck

with a signed Mother Teresa photo on his face with an Ecuadorian voice saying he wants to get chugged. The thing is though, what I'm wondering, right, is obviously she died a virgin,

right, but let's say you met her like five, six years before the end. I don't reckon she did. But let's say you met her five, six years before the end. Let's say you met her

five, six years before the end. Ask me anything. I'm an open book. And you gave her the fucking night of her life. And imagine she just become a massive fucking cum guzzling whore. Oh, God. six years before the end and you gave her the fucking night of her life and imagine she'd just become a massive fucking

cum guzzling whore oh god he's literally when it it's like do you know that game where you stick someone's name

to your face it's like the most disgusting game of that yeah no but imagine if you were the one who turned

mother Teresa from a literal saint into a fucking raging goose raging cocksucker goose I prefer goose the one who turned Mother Teresa from a literal saint into a fucking... Raging Gooser. Raging cocksucker. Gooser. I prefer Gooser. He's nice. Me not like a cum goosler.

No. No, that's not how you treat a lady. I mean, that's why I left. I left. If I wanted that kind of bullshit, I'd have stayed in Skeggy. If I wanted that kind of bullshit, I'd have stayed in Skeggy. Yes.

Do you know what's really funny? By the way, if you're listening on the audio... She's like begging me for this stuff. Please fuck me. Please, Adam. Just say bulbous clunge one more time. Bulbous clunge. No, never say it again. Genuinely, question for you

ah not bad take off me unibrow question for you yeah right stupid

sorry serious question Adam yeah serious question yeah let's let's come on

so she's on a deathbed right right there's no smells or anything right how old was she she was 98 she was an old lady like yeah was she 98 come on so she's on a deathbed right right but there's no smells or anything right how old was she

she was 98 she was an old lady like yeah was she 98 I'm gonna say yeah she was so old right and she's there

and she's asked for you haunted pussy right no stop saying pussy she was haunted fucking weird little children go on

87 87 oh she's fine 11 years after she was DTF she was actually born in Macedonia she wasn't born in Skegi no but she lived in India right mad she was trying that accent again yeah let me do my Macedonian via India via India hello My name is Mother Teresa Name it Mother Teresa

No She looks quite fit That's just racist Indian You fucked hard No No You're missing the hint of Macedonia Oh I missed it

I did miss it Listen again Listen Let me just do my racist Ecuadorian Because it's not as bad as that one My name is Mother Teresa It's just Hey

You have no idea what Macedonia is. She's a good fella. Hey! I'm a fucking Macedonian here. What am I? Fucking walking here. Oh, I'm from fucking Macedonia. It's New Jersey.

You mama culottes. Hey, so what's happened is, right, you get, the phone goes, right? Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Answer the phone. right, the phone goes, right? Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Answer the phone. You all right? What's happening?

Player, player. All right, Shagga? Listen, lad, I've had an email come through here. I know you're busy today. I've been on the emails. It's a... Nice one. I've had an email from Mother Teresa's agent.

The big shock is he's been on the emails. Go on. Fucking hell. I've had an email from Mother Teresa's agent right yeah who's she with off the curb

off the curb like okay I don't want to wear a suit yeah but mother mother we can get your support in

fucking McIntyre play the game wear a fucking suit, get your pictures taken by Hollingworth. Okay. Okay. Will I get lava, dear Polo? I think I'll be very good at it, I think I'll.

Listen, lads, Mother Teresa's agent's been in touch, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, she's on her lasses here, lads. She's going to go on her lasses. Last she's gonna go on her lasses yeah last legs last legs on her lasses love it i learn a bit of scouts every day nice one yeah she's on her lasses and basically she's been listening to podcasts right she loves her she's a worder yeah original word is original now she come on board a few months in is she a patreon five pound oh fair enough she does do a lot of charity work but here's the thing lad like yeah she's basically she's rang Laura already

right Laura was fucking made up to speak to Mother Teresa Laura's okayed all this erm basically you know she's lived her life

completely abstinent she's had a word with God she's so close to him she's got him on speed dial and she's gone look God I just want some pipe

before I go and he's gone go ahead girl get yours and she wants gone look God I just want some pipe before I go and he's gone go ahead girl get yours and she wants you to do it so will you come down

the Royal in Liverpool now and just smash Mother City's head in before she goes why has she picked that what she fancies him

oh yeah she's at the Royal Liverpool Hospital she's on her deathbed yeah they flew her from India? They flew her from Macedonia stroke India

via Ecuador and Newark, New Jersey. And she's dying in the Royal Liverpool and they've emailed the have a word email. You're now relaying this information. I've got to go to the Royal Liverpool,

which is full of fucking COVID. No, this is pre-COVID. She died ages ago? 98. Right. 98, so I'm a 17-year-old. Yeah. I haven't fucked anything at 17.

Had to bounce all the way through fucking Ormskirk on my erection genuinely like the opportunity there I would never say no to that

content is king no I wouldn't film it no sorry because you've got standards with Carl in the back

going lad lad fuck it again my fringe is off no lad, lad Lad Don't put that on Instagram yet My fucking headphones make me look weird

Right, bang her again Beep, beep, beep Yeah, probably just go with what we got Oh my god Her last Her last words Can we guess? Can we? what we got oh my god her last her last words can we guess can we

three words stay a bit her last words no she had three words what were they okay so we get a point

for each word we get right and a bonus two points if we get them all right before you say you know let me just have a

mother Tracer's last words three words Roy Liverpool what's it I don't want no more that's four words five

yes you've got to pick three words take it serious alright soz erm who are you she was murdered

in that voice can you just try and do Mother Tracer's voice it's just who are you she was murdered okay that voice can you just try and do Mother Teresa's voice it's just that who are you no hey

oh I'm fucking dying here oh are they your three I'm dying here no hang on I'm dying here um

where did she die? Can we get a location? Pontons. It was in Calcutta, obviously. It was in Calcutta. Calcutta, Pontons. I'm well sweaty. I'm well sweaty.

So you're going with... Who are you? Hang on. These aren't final answers. We're going to workshop this. I'll give you the first word. It's I. I've just shat.

Sorry. I. It's not funny, this, by the way. Is it not? No. Is it Halloween? Yeah. Oh.

Oh Oh Well Glad we're doing it Glad we're doing it I would fuck her Where What religion was she Christian? Where is Dan? What

Did you just say Where What religion is she? Yeah Mother Teresa What religion is she? Yeah but christian question mark is that what you said out your head she was um yes she was a little bit christian she was an albanian indian roman catholic nun okay yeah did you think she was just called mother mother like what did you think was

happening i thought theres Teresa I love the thing she used to wear me that white and fucking that white and blue rig what were her last words no no no no no

we've got nothing no I regret everything no I cannot breathe right

they were the last words According to Sunita Kumar Right It was a lie as well wasn't it Because if you couldn't breathe Your meal was tough Do you know Why I'm a bitch

Carl When you take us down These grim fucking avenues I'm trying to make you Lighten it up I I feel like you do it You're doing it a lot

is everything okay hun because that was a stupid conversation you were like do you want to guess the last three words it's I cannot breathe thanks very much do you want to know how she died

hit by a bus suffocation someone fat sat on her go on I think she was hit by a blimp and she couldn't breathe

yeah blimps are big yeah he winded her she died from getting winded by a blimp no literally for like a second she died from getting winded by a blitz no literally

0.5 per second I was like fuck off do you know what it's not funny she had heart failure yeah Carl you're a ray of fucking sunshine a ray of sunshine I think we need a break

yeah well you're not going to top that do you know what I was going to ask before I was like do you play Pokemon Go now I don't care and neither does everyone else oh my god

let's have a little let's have a second she's Pokemon gone call me call me If you enjoy online betting, get over to bettinggods.com and you can get some great odds on all sorts of sports, horse racing, footy. They do cricket, tennis and golf. But this is the big one. You can get odds on hockey. So I know everyone that watches Have A Word is a massive hockey fan.

Get some online odds for hockey at bettinggods.com. In all seriousness, we're really chuffed to be working with them. Go and have a look. Bettinggods.com In all seriousness We're really chuffed To be working with them Go and have a look BettingGods.com Back to the episode Send in your questions And suggestions To haveawadpod

At gmail.com Let's crack on With this nonsense Are we ready to Rock and roll Let's do some podcasting Today Yeah With this beautiful man And that vain man And roll, let's do some podcasting today. Yeah.

With this beautiful man and that vain man and that Turkish and Welsh man. On the way here, I went to Tesco. Got two meal deals, both for myself. One for my breakfast, one for my lunch. Meant to be £11.55. That's good meal deal on that, innit? Got it for six quid. £5.55 off

did you get what you wanted rowdy bags did you get what you wanted did you not just get the expensive drink for the sake of it no because the coffee machine was broke

so I got one with a little milky coffee the Starbucks cafe latte thing and I got myself an innocent smoothie because I'm trying to start my day with fruit did you just steal them

what did you just steal it I don't understand what happened. Like, do you not get Tesco meal deals? You mean the combined cost should have been 11 quid, but with the meal deal it was just six quid? Yeah. Yeah.

Sexy fucker, aren't you? They don't call me Rowie. Bags. Bags. They've started to, haven't they? I love giving advice on this podcast

mainly because it's a total roll of the dice to see what mood Adam's in and whether he's actually going to take it seriously

and give some advice or just tell you to go fuck yourself and your nan I would like if you've got any more dilemmas I really think he could be a great agony ant.

I genuinely enjoy this. Questions, the would-you-rathers, we've done to death. If you need some advice, have a word pod at gmail.com and we will sort your life out. What kind of speaking in touch now? A nun. A nun? Yeah, a nun.

A nun? Anonymous. Yeah, a nun a nun yeah a nun anonymous yeah a nun from which religion though you don't know how could you know that's the thing about nuns they don't tell you

which religion they are Muslim nuns sneaky bitches she's probably one of them fucking Hindu nuns right from Macedonia

oh over the fucking bridge! Where am I? Fucking mamakalutz. This is a lot of fun. Dear our kid Harry Hill and Andre Gomez, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've been with my girlfriend now for six months.

I think from now on, by the way, if they don't mention Finn, you should just make up a thing for Finn because he feels left out. Okay. Start again. You just missed it, didn't you? It is there.

It is there, just, yeah. Say it. Say the thing. Oh, yes. I misread it. Dear our kid, Harry Hill, Andre Gomez, and that big fucking cunt. Oh.

You should have just not read that bit out I shouldn't have read that out really I wish I'd just missed it yeah next time Finn sorry about that really aggressive but he's in a dilemma I've got a bit of a dilemma

and I hate Finn I shouldn't have read that out stop it I shouldn't have read it out filter it I should edit these before I do them why is Finn such a cunt no I'm joking

he says I've been with my girlfriend now for six months and things are going really well recently I should edit these before I do them. Why is Finn such a... No, I'm joking. He says, I've been with my girlfriend now for six months and things are going really well. Recently, she showed me a picture of her with her old flatmate and to my surprise, I'd actually, and this is the exact word he used, raw-dogged her flatmate before I'd met my girlfriend. So, to make things even worse, I'd been on on the sambuca that night and projectile vomited on a flatmate's back about two minutes into sex probably the most traumatic experience of both our lives upon doing this i just fled the scene as fast as possible leaving this poor girl covered

in sambuca and double cheeseburger you a classy motherfucker so i need some advice do i keep this to myself and hope that my new girlfriend's old flatmate never makes the connection or do i tell her now so it's out in the open and that's from anonymous shock horror um so can we just track back he's been seeing this girl and then it's going really well oh I've got some

pictures of my and then clock the picture who's that my old flatmate it's like oh I have sex vomed

it's his old it's her old flatmate yeah not a current one oh don't tell them no I think look here's the thing

what does raw dog mean no condom bummedered oh bummedered yeah raw Now I think Look Here's the thing What does raw dog mean? No condom Bum dereden Oh Bum dereden Yeah

Raw As in like raw meat As in like No Not an added Bum dereden Right And dog

As in like In the bum You young guys Well it is doggy style Because you come He I think he'd on his back Didn't he?

What? He vomited on her back didn't he what he vomited on her back nice um unless he just like curled it in right well let's give some advice all right here's the thing right this is going to come out so does he want to be a liar that's done this or just someone who's done this he's not lying is, is he, if he doesn't tell someone? Yeah, no, it is. Like, a girl will definitely see it as lying. Can you just say he didn't know her flatmate? He could.

He could pretend that he didn't recognise her and be like, oh, when you showed me that picture, like, I was so drunk that night, that's why I was sick. I didn't even recognise her. But if he was going to do that, he probably shouldn't have written in to a popular comedy podcast about her first also maybe like maybe the old flatmates is fitter than his new and more attractive and he can be like look just know i've settled for you i can get

better so watch your mouth yeah it's a really good tactic with that women love that after six months just sort of undermining them and letting them know that they are inferior and that you have options women good women like that you want to settle down with they respond really well to that sort of aggressive gaslighting and tactic yeah they want to know that their man is wanted my other women my wife does not if you could stop messaging me on instagram analogy isn't it what the fishing analogy yeah teach a man to fish who said it no teach a man to fish for the day it's not the analogy let him shag all your fit mates and you'll know how to behave but no it's i think it's like that but it's teach a man to no it's give a man a fish

and he'll eat yeah but if he vombs sambuca and double cheeseburger all over a back then you know he's got options what yeah weren't we listening to an audio he's like you know his routine i don't want to do i'll do it he's dead he's like making men work with women is like making bears work with salmon covered in honey and then getting pissed off when the bear like oh human resources the grizzly bear just did grizzly bear stuff he's like but when you're in a relationship, you need, like, women need to smell fish on you so that they know that, you know, I can still catch fish. Like, every now and then I'll take one out of the water and throw it back in just so I smell a fish.

You're just a fish that jumped back on the boat. Holy shit. And six months in, you you're like we've been together so long why do you still need a boat so i can catch fish and show you i can catch fish so you can act right oh my god he's got a point i think this lad needs to go down the route of, listen, eh, right? Look, just because I fuck someone who you know before I met you doesn't make me a bad person. It just means you've got similar taste in dick, so get over yourself.

Again. Shut the fuck up. Anonymous. Anonymous. If you're going to go down Adam's road tactically, I'd change some of the wording. I think... Use her name.

That's what he means. Just so she knows you're talking to her. I think Adam... Becky, listen. I can fuck who I want, when I want, before we're together. You can do nothing about it. I've vombed on her, and yours is next. Is he saying this before she brings it up?

Is he just coming in the house and saying this? Or has she already brought it up? Adam's given five different options of advice, and they're getting worse and worse. No, what he should do is shoot her with a gun, and be like, ah, you're dead, not bad. Ah, so I puked on her back, but I shot yous.

And I got the gun in about half an hour from Scotch Brian, me dad's brother-in-law, whatever. What he should actually do is sit her down, get the photo out, and go, listen, I've vomed on her back. And then if she's got questions, answer them. But if she goes, I don't want to know, then you're off the hook. Six months in, things are going really well.

I'll be honest, not to play the old, sit down, child, let me tell you about marriage. Anyone who's like, you can't believe you did that before you met me. Anyone who uses that rhetoric is an arsehole. Just, you don't own someone's history. Don't be a fucking douchebag. If you like someone and you're with them

and you found out what they were like, like, either leave or just fucking buckle in. Like, that's their life. But I think there's a lot to be said for just going. I can even see they're just ignoring it, Root. But I think if you're going to end with a long term you should be like can i tell you something and it's really embarrassing and i want to tell you before your mate gets in your ear that i'm an arsehole but i i have one of the most bad embarrassing experiences of my life and just by, it's with your old flatmate.

And I want to tell you, so she's not the one who goes, oh my God, at your birthday party, I recognised him. And I just, I could smell five guys. And I think you will know if this girl has got legs long-term. If she goes, I can't believe that you puked on someone's leg before I knew you. Because that's a bell-end reaction. I know he's been a knobhead, but he's not done it on purpose.

I think it's a real testing. Like, it's a litmus test of whether this has got legs as a relationship. I just want to go back about a minute and a half where you said you don't own someone before they're together and all that and that you should not be like, oh, you did this before we were together. So I just want to know, if you'd met someone, right, and you really liked them you're six months in

and then you showed her a picture of you and your rugby team right and she was like listen gonna sit you down

I gang banged them like once a month for a year once a month yeah it wasn't just a drunken night she was a barmaid they were on rugby tour

It was honestly Last Sunday of the month And bank holiday Mondays Last Sunday of the month And bank holiday Mondays Holy communion Fucking hell Would that put you off?

I used to get gang banged once a month By 13 people that you know You know what Adam I see that you're trying to break down my argument But I think you might have gone too far with the analogy Because I don't think getting drunk and vomiting on someone's back as unfortunate as it is is as bad as 12 times a year getting piped by 15 fucking lads including the prop like that's worse isn't it um are you

slush amen no just i'm not slush amen you can You can honestly, you can bang all the teams you want. But I think at that extent, you're allowed to be like, wow, that is going to maybe colour my view of someone going forward. Yeah, but like, why? Why? Why would it colour your view of them? What have they done wrong? What have they done wrong?

Are you enjoying this? Being a cunt? Is it different rugby teams Or is it the same one? No it's the same one It's your rugby team You just went and bought it Oh it's my rugby team

Well I know it's ridiculous Because what position do I play? You hold the flag Right Have you watched rugby? Do you know what sport we're talking about? Are you thinking about Quidditch? You hold the flag

You're the seeker I think you might have jumped ahead too far there on Harry Potter. If you got with a new lady and found out that me and Dan had run a train on her. Oh, no, it's a bit different when it's your mates, though, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's a whole flatmate. It's your rugby team. It's the same sort of question. I would say, do you know what, babe?

As long as it never happens again, we can move past this. I don't believe you. Absolutely. Stop projecting. Where is... Stop projecting. as long as it never happens again we can move past this I don't believe you absolutely stop projecting where is where is stop projecting you are the most

territorial slut shaming misogyny you are such a fucking hypocrite why I you know what

whether it turns you off or turns you on or you can deal with it or not just make the fucking decision then that's the thing you're allowed to be like wow that has

discombobulated me a little bit that's a lot of dick 12 times a year 15 dicks 12 times a year bank holiday mondays you're forgetting about them i don't know how many bank holidays are in a year oh and the bank holidays half of the 12 wow so even after the monday after is sunday yeah two two in 24 hours. Yeah. You're allowed to be like, yeah, that's a lot of dick. But you're not. Just don't go, well, it's fine, and then hold it over someone for three years of their shit relationship.

Just make the call and fuck off. I think you own up to it. He's got to own up to it. It's how he does it is the question. I think he should do it again. You're a silly person, isn't it? I think he should

look at that photo with it again. Right, and then go, ah! Oh! Ah! He could lie

and say she spewed on him. No, no, no. Can you just let it finish? Ah! And she'd be like, what's? Ah! And she'd be like, what's the matter? And he'd be like, bring her round for tea.

And then she comes round for tea and he starts screaming again. Ah! Ah! And then, she'd be so freaked out by him, she'll leave him. And he'd want to have

an awkward conversation. Okay, good. I thought that was going to be proper advice and it really went off the rails. I think he wants to stay with her, doesn't he? Yeah, he does, yeah. It'd be an amazing reaction if you started going,

the second time you'd seen the picture. The first time you're like, oh yeah, she looks nice. No, he should say, hey, who's that? And she'll be all flat, whatever. Yeah. And he'll go,

when was the last time you spoke to her? And if it's like more than a year keep the secret forever oh that's a good yeah yeah that's a good little caveat there's no point

admitting to getting absolute like if she's like yeah I hardly ever see her again yeah because you can at the end of the day go

I didn't remember it was the worst night ever and I'm really embarrassed about it I'm not proud of it I'm ashamed of myself what happened that night I just genuinely didn't recognise it

because we were steaming but that was before I met your darling now you know where I'm on the straight and narrow yeah I don't vomit on backs anymore I'm a changed man have you ever done that

have you ever have you ever got so drunk you've puked in and around the old lady love erm I did

shit on the bathroom floor of a one night stand I missed the toilet At her place? Oh dear When? Did you do clean up? No I

What? Oh Adam I just peed on the floor and she was in the kitchen so I just got off That's a lie isn't it? No he didn't He didn't Yeah that's a lie You didn't Do you think just got off no he didn't that's a lie isn't it no he didn't do you think it's a lie I know that's a lie is Adam lying

he's in a weird mood we can't have been through the whole bin shitting saga and you've failed to admit that you've like curled out a turd no bullshit I am lying I did let out out a turd. No, bullshit. I am lying, yeah. I did let out a ridiculous fart when I was shagging at 197 once.

And it literally, like, this is my memory of it anyway. Like, it sounded like it sort of matched me thrust. So like, we were in a missionary, right? Like this. And as I went to go down, I started farting.

But like, I couldn't stop myself, but I did slow myself down. So it was like, and then I pulled out, and it carried on and she looked at me and went what are you doing and i went get on board like the world's shittest accordion yeah i did that is true. I did a big fart that like, and it literally matched, because I was fucking going at it,

but because I started the fart, I went... Once it's happening, it's done, isn't it? Yeah. True. And it stunk. Oh, that's the worst. That's even the noise.

Because we'd add like chili garlic, my friend, kebabs. Oh, no. Did you? I think there's a lot to be said for just stopping and being like, well, madam, this has been, put this down to misadventure. I apologise, crack a window, and we'll never see each other again. Good day to you. Yeah.

Told you about the girl whose name I never remembered the next day and kept having to call her Gail. Oh. Did I not tell you about that? Oh name I never remembered the next day and kept having to call her Gail. Oh. Did I not tell you about that? Oh. It was at Hope Uni. I remember. Hope Uni?

Yeah, and my phone was dead and I had no money, so I couldn't just walk out and get the bus. I had to wait until my phone was charged so that I could bring a taxi to get off. So you're like, what's happening, Gail? Like that? Yeah, and she kept using my name. It was like she knew. to get off so you're like what's happening girl like that yeah she like she

and she kept using my name it was like she knew she was like do you want a drink Adam do you want to have sex again Adam

do you want some tea Adam and I was like yeah girl do you want a drink Adam do you want sex again Adam

yeah do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want

do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want do you want you can get away with not using someone's name for almost the entirety of being with them until there's a third person

and then you're meant to introduce like at the Edinburgh Festival I am a fucking master of knowing everyone that knows me hey buddy mate hey shaggy it's great until you're there with like your missus or a mate

who then stands there going, can you introduce us? And you're like, shut the fuck up. I have actually prepped Laura. I've prepped Laura many a time as we're going into Edinburgh at the festival and I've gone, right, if there's a pause in a conversation,

you just lean in and go, hi, I'm Laura, dan's girlfriend dan's wife whatever at the time and then it's on them to go my name is pablo do not wait for them to look at you and then look at me going are you going to introduce us because then i'm like now i'm fucked yeah because it's the fringe there's 3 000 knobheads i'm meant to know and i know the name of 294 of them, which is good. There's, funnily enough, I can't remember this comic's name. He's a younger Asian lad,

like South Asian. Is he North Asian? No, he's South Asian. I was in South and not East. All right, cool. You know what I mean? Cool, cool. I just think it was really funny how you like... Do you know what I mean?

You do, I do now It's just fine, it's just not like you to be so specific Before you did Macedonia You were like, what am I doing? Dan, South Asian, not East Do you know what I mean? Really offensive Yeah And he comes to me in the street And he was like

How's it going mate, you alright? And he was talking to me in the street, and he was like, I was like, oh, mate, you all right, yeah? And he was talking to me as if he knew me. And then I went, do we know each other? And he went, it's Lloyd, isn't it? He thought I was Lloyd Griffith. And I went, no, mate, I'm not Lloyd Griffith. And he went, oh, my God, Red Richardson. He thought I was Red Richardson.

And I do look a little bit like an amalgamation of those two people. Can I just say, if you are a young comic in Edinburgh, when you've got it wrong, don't start guessing other names. Just take the L and walk off. Richard Pryor. I'm going to get it. Eddie Murphy.

I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. Sarah Kendall. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I got mistaken for those two a little bit in Edinburgh. So, we've got some WYRs. Go ahead, Dan.

Oh no, here's a Daniel Pugh sent in a question. How are we? Ahmed, Daniel, Carlito and Fergus. Question is this. If you had to delete one of the big five social media apps Facebook, Insta, Snapchat, WhatsApp and Twitter,

which one would it be? So if you don't use one already, then that is excluded from your options. So Grandad Dave, I imagine you don't use Snapchat, so you can't choose that. Right, so... So which of the big social medias would you fire off if you had to call one? So, it's just Elisa for me. It's not just like ended. Am I destroying?

Like that's obsolete. It's gone. No one's on it. Or is it just I delete the app? Right. I think he means you delete the app. But I'd also be interested to hear which one you destroy. Okay.

Deleting the app of Defo, Snapchat, because I barely use it anyway. I have got it, but I barely use it. I, deleting the app of Defo, Snapchat, because I barely use it anyway. I have got it, but I barely use it. I suppose, in the spirit of the question, the three I still use are Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Now, if I was going to get rid

of one of them... Right, that's a better one, because WhatsApp's not really social media. It's not social media, it's a messenger. It's a messenger. And Snapchat is always

going to be the one, because it's for fucking 17-year-old girls. Yeah. I've started watching some TikToks as well so I'd keep that now I'd get rid of Facebook I just think it's a bit done

like I'm still on it because I need to for work purposes but I'd get rid of that if you're asking which one I would delete for everybody it would be Twitter I think it's the worst of human existence in an app

I think it's the worst of human existence in an app. I think it's the absolute cesspit of humanity. Nothing can be positive without someone being negative. I've seen someone... Apart from with our pod. Yeah, we get a lot of love. But you still get the odd comment going, not even funny, because that's what people want to do.

Because it's shorter and it's easier to be angry. There's a lot of tweets when people become cancer-free. Like someone will tweet, I'm cancer-free. it's like a young girl or something and someone replied sort of negative to that the other day i've seen someone go something like uh well a lot of people still aren't so you shouldn't be bragging about this it's like shut the fuck up this girl's been through all sorts do you know what i mean people just want on twitter there's just this need to be nasty and even more with celebrities yeah so like that to be a cunt to that girl is a special type of cuntry, isn't it? I remember Tom Brady tweeted about,

he only started using Twitter about two years ago, maybe three years ago, just hadn't bothered with it. He's going to be one of the, he's potentially the best quarterback of all time. He's definitely in the conversation conversation he got a million followers instantly and just started throwing out some tweets and one of them was like oh looking forward to christmas and playing the next day or something really innocuous boring nfl player and it's the speed of the first reply because that first reply sits under the tweet if you're the fucker who oh right okay now now if they respond again it so twitter now isn't it twitter's algorithm is

like threaded and also like a really popular one or a more a more popular account like because my twitter account's verified my reply is higher up the list than like... Right, okay. So it weights the responses. Yeah, but it's not... There's no exact science to it. It's like, there might be one where like Carl replies and his is top of mind's below it. Yeah.

But like verified accounts get more weight, big accounts get more weight, funny replies. When I looked at that tweet, and it happens all the time, the first one was there like, a lot of children are starving around the world on Christmas Day. Do you not think you should be worrying about that than playing football? And you're like, why? Why tweet that, you miserable, negative, pious cunt?

There's no point apart from doing that. Like, I've said left. I'm going to say right. I'm famous, and I said up. Well, I'm saying down. Just horrible, pointless. I've started, in a really strange way, to feel sorry for those people.

And I think that's probably given them far too much leeway and credit or whatever. But I always think, when I get, like like an unnecessarily negative or nasty response to something. You've said it before. You do a very like. No, I've even stopped doing that. I don't really give it any attention now. All right, all right.

But I just, like, if I put something like whatever and someone's like, meh, meh, meh, meh. I always just think, what has their afternoon been like for that to be their response? Because it can't have been better than mine. Because no one genuinely happy is being a cunt on the internet to people they don't know. Someone messaged me on Insta the other day to say something quite nice,

and he literally put in the thing, I know you're not the kind of person to reply to comments or whatever, but I just wanted to say this. And you're like, yeah, it would take a lot for me to start replying to comments. So if I tweet and you reply and I don't reply,

it's not because I'm above you or anything. I just think you can get lost in the to and fro. And I listen to a lot of American podcasts. We all like podcasts. I've been listening to podcasts pretty intensively for about five, six, seven, eight years. And don't know why I didn't pick a number. Eight years.

And so many of the American comics have talked about how they needed to cull that from their life. Not social media. Not culling social media just getting trapped in bitchy little fucking competitions and arguments with ultimately people you don't know like it's the same with the facebook groups with comedy like that the only saving grace with facebook because i know it's the it's one of the easiest ones to think it's's almost a bit redundant. It feels like it's for your Auntie Linda and some EDL supporters. What I would say is it's great for the stand-up clips. If you haven't followed us on Facebook, our stand-up clips stay up there.

We're getting new followers from Facebook all the time because videos that have done well keep going. Whereas Twitter just burns them facebook keeps them but it's also useful facebook for groups like the stand-up for the nfl one that we're in which is just conversation yeah and then the facebook work for comedy comedy i know you don't use it loads but i even helped admin it for a bit and i in, in the end, I was like, that was the one last place where I had to go, I'm going to stop getting into these arguments because you look at people going,

you're wasting your fucking day. You've said your point. They've said theirs. You're never going to see each other in the real world. Just fucking let it go. I'm getting really good at just deleting stuff before I send it. So like yesterday

I put a tweet out about Liverpool and another Liverpool fan replied and I typed a big reply and I went what are you doing and I just deleted it

and put my phone down and I felt so much better because you're at the level where you can make your tweet make your statement because people are following you for comedy the podcast

but also Liverpoolpool i'm not joking i know more about liverpool football club than i want or need to know i've unfollowed so many people on social media you're one of the few people i i'm missing information about my family and where they are in their life pictures of their kids and i know more about like liverpool football club just through you tweeting yeah it's uh but. But you can just put that tweet up there now and be like, that's what I was saying. Yeah, so I have my notification set as well to if you don't follow me, I don't see anything.

So if you're not a follower and you're just being a cunt, I'll never see it. Right. I don't get those notifications. You have to be following me or me following you for me to see any replies. And even then, I often go like you'll notice if i go on my twitter thing like see the way my twitter's got no notification thing there it's a really good way but if i go on it that'll come up now there'll be something there yeah oh on the red this is a rare occasion it's

not can i can i just say as well i just cleared it i'll have a word pod uh twitter is the one we use a lot the instagram it's all i have a word pod there's loads of notifications and i am now having to work on putting the phone down yeah because before i started working with you guys or adam last year i was literally i didn't have an Instagram. I wasn't really, I don't, I wasn't enjoying social media at all. And it was you that were like, you basically went, you need an Instagram and we need to play the game on this. And I've started enjoying it more and more. And now with Twitter.

Instagram's the best one for me. But I'm enjoying Twitter because I'm less like, I don't, I don't. You're not scrolling as well. I don't really do politics and I don't do sport. But what I'm finding is that having to just leave the phone because I'm not getting any negatives, but there's so many notifications. It's a bit overwhelming. So if we don't respond to your comments or your tweets,

it's not because we're above it. It's just because every time I pick up my phone every 20 minutes there's another 20 notifications it's also like i see arguments now from like people i know or like i'll be on their facebook or their twitter and you never see people who disagree have a big thread and then go you know what i see what you mean never happens you've got one person who thinks it's black and another person who thinks it's white and they both 1,000% believe that they're right. Like, this chair is black.

No, it's white. And here's why it's white. And no, you haven't looked into it. It's fucking white. Well, you haven't looked into the thing I've looked into. It's fucking black. And then it gets nasty. And it just becomes worse and worse and worse.

They just get harder. And then their followers and their followers start arguing with each other. Nothing gets solved. And like, I'll still tweet the odd thing about politics. I will do. I'll still tweet the odd. But what I want to start doing,

even with footy and stuff, I'm trying to tweet less about it because even that is less enjoyable for me because people just don't know how to have any humor about footy would they not i sometimes think that with your this is a genuine question i think that about your twitter what i wonder why a social media for sport never got going where you could because i with that facebook nfl group i put things up there like pictures or whatever we just ask each of the questions that i would never dream of putting on my Facebook

because everyone would be like what are you on about? Is there not like do you ever think that when you're tweeting about football that people follow you and aren't arsed

or like No because I just think they just ignore it like I scroll past so much stuff Yeah That's sort of the form of it isn't it?

I just like people are so humorless about footy like I love talking about footy. Like, Liverpool lost last night for the first time in three and a half years at home. Carl's been taking the piss out of it all day. I love that shit.

And I love when Everton are shitting a couple of weeks again. I'll get to wind him up about it. I love that. But you try and do it on Twitter. And people who actually like you get really, really, really angry because it's their thing. And there's no tone of voice with a tweet. It just looks like you're being a cunt sometimes.

Oh, mate. And it's so hard to judge it. Reading the comments of footballers who are, like, giving their tweets about some of the... It gets so nasty. Like, racist, horrible shit. Like, I saw Ian Wright at ScreenGrab, something that had been sent.

It's just this kid being fucking vile. And you're like, something about football just clicks someone into just rage, doesn't it? It's tribalism, isn't it? Same with politics. It's just tribalism. It's me and my people versus you and your people. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And you can see there's more tribes in it with politics. I don't know any Tories. And if I do know Tories, they're keeping it fucking well quiet. Yeah. Because it's basically two teams and then the third team,

which is bigger, is like, yeah, not arsed. Yeah. Whereas football is like, my team, big team, small team, big team, big team. I want to use my social media from now on

to celebrate my successes and to be funny. I want to be like, I'm having a good time. Isn't that nice? And also, here's a joke. And that's why Instagram's good

because it's a bit, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. That feels like a nice little time for me to go for a wee and us to have a break. You're busting.

I really need a wee and I'm hungry and I might get a KFC today for the first time in a while. Oh, the snack wraps are back, baby. That's what we're doing for lunch. Got another repeat guest in today. Who is it?

Who the fuck is it? Who the fuck is this guy? Who the fuck is that guy? We don't need to actually say who it is. It's who the fuck is that guy. Yeah, he'll be in in a minute. Bye for now. Bye for now.

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What are you doing? Hey What's that? Is this good? I'm doing a fucking party You're from Macedonia? It's a Macedonian accent Hey

I'm from Macedonia-fucking-donia He knows his accents He knows his accents, he knew that Hiya Freddie Quinn! Oh we've started Oh we've started, I thought that was preamble No, no, no, this is all fire mate You can't fucking let that gold go down the drain

You can still get pregnant with preamble Do you have many listeners in Macedonia? Only Mother Teresa's family. Is she from Macedonia? Where she was born and then she was raised in fucking India. Well, say no more. I thought she was Italian for some reason. I think it's the rig out.

I think it's his accent. I think the name Teresa's Italian, isn't it? It's Italian for Terry. Oh, yeah. Mother Terry. John's brother. It's eye-watering, the level of bullshit that is spewed out on this fucking rather popular

YouTube and podcast show. You know when a podcast has been going for quite a long time, when you literally run out of things to talk about, so you go on about Mother Teresa? Not only go on about her, make her a feature of a whole episode. And we thought we'd all be like, we nailed that Mother Teresa bit,

and apparently, got a guest in, fucking fire her back up again. Well, I want to ask Freddie his opinion on it. Well... Would you goose her? Would you shag Mother Teresa, given the opportunity? Would I shag her, given the opportunity?

What, now? Not now, like, she's alive. No, that's weird, Freddie. She's dead. You don't dig it up. Like, she's alive and well, and she wants your dick. How old is she? She's 87. No, that's weird, Freddie. She's dead. You don't dig it up. Like, she's alive and well, and she wants your dick. How old is she? She's 87.

87. And she's in the Royal Liverpool Hospital. Let's do it again. She's in the Royal Liverpool Hospital for some unknown fucking reason, and Dr. Adam is administering the last rites, which is fucking weird as well. Made the call to her agent. She signed to Off The Curb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of diversity. Good. So you have to go in to the hospital, bang her, and then she's like, peace out, homeboy. Do you get anything for banging her?

You just get the knowledge that you were the first and only. Hey, I'll give you this. You're allowed to put it on TikTok, the whole thing. If I'm aware... Telling me that's not good. But you get to do a selfie saying,

I've just banged my Teresa. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. I'm just here at the Royal Liverpool. There's Teresa. Oh, aye. I can't breathe. Freddy's on me.

Stop me fucking joke. If I'm aware, I can't breathe. I'm away for Freddy yeah there you go you little poo is it wrong to say that purely based on

like looks I don't think I could get it up for her come on lad but there's something it's fresh untouched poo

but there's something that does make me curious about what a handjob would feel like do you know what I mean it's the handjob thing I'd let her wipe me off. There you go.

Yeah. Being a little bonald hand. Yeah. Oh, I grant you three wishes, Kerr. Thing is, though, she's got God's phone number, do you know what I mean? If you did that for her,

you might get, like, a fucking... a blessing. So... International sign for blessed. So I'd fuck her on the off chance that she put in a good word about my dick to Jesus. That's amazing. She got Jesus on fucking speed dial. Like, J-Bomb, listen.

Just been given a fucking good hard Poland by Freddie Quinn. Could have done with an extra intro too. You're obsessed with a phone line to God. She's just died. She can speak to him in person on speed dial alright JC God the Holy Ghost one of them cunts I don't even know how that works

oh I do yeah have you been speaking to one of those those Hindu nuns the father the son and the Holy Spirit, and God is in all three of them. So they are three separate entities, but God is in all of them. So God's in God.

Imagine you get a jar of jam, right? And you put bits of that jam in three different doughnuts. Those doughnuts are still their own doughnuts, but they've all got jam in them. Do you know what's weird about that is, one is a jar of jam, and that's in a doughnut that is called a jar of jam. Look at his face.

The last time I was here, there was a little bit of back and forth banter about how some of my analogies don't quite work. And even for me, what you were saying was a fucking stretch. You know what I mean, though. God is not a preserve. No, he isn't. He's a fucking gobshite who owes me money.

What for? Just let it, let it. Just let it flow. Let it flow. How are you Fred? I'm alright mate I'm glad to be out Of the fucking house Do you believe in God

On any level? No I I was raised At a Catholic school And my My nan was quite St. Teresa's

Yeah mate All hellos Yeah mate It's so funny It's almost like we grew up On the same street It's almost like we grew up On the same fucking street

Hang on Is that a school? St. Tr... What? Oh fucking hell Is that a school? Yes that's what she did She helped

She helped starving children In Calcutta And she set up a school In Penwitham Yeah yeah Well I imagine The actual saint Didn't set up that school either

But when the school was You have to be dead To be a saint Right When was the school set up? Like either. But when the school was... You have to be dead to be a saint. Right. When was the school set up? Like, before she died. Right, oh, okay. Has she been canonised?

Yeah. Canonised? But there was a Saint Teresa before her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's the Saint... She's Saint Teresa 2. Right, I got it. She's, like, flagrant 2.

She's the best. Saint Teresa. Are you telling me? Are you telling me are you telling me swish that Mother Teresa you're in a fucking mental mood

was fired out of a cannon you said canonised yeah that's what they call it when you when you make a saint but you can only have it's like twitter handles you can only have one saint

with one name so she's like saint Teresa too right saint T underscore Reza no she's the saint Teresa no she'd be

saint mother Teresa she's real saint Teresa no it's like when those comedians put like John Smith comedy it's saint Teresa forgiveness

what if it's like saint Mo because they just used the star for mother she's to the Marisa go be What if it's like Saint Moe? Because they just used the start of Mother. She's Tudor Marisa. Kobe. How have you just managed to say the most ridiculous thing anyone said on stage?

Yeah, it was a social media joke, but at least it wasn't canonised. Wouldn't she be Saint Moe for the start of Mother, just to make everything easier? There can't be another Saint. Mal. EastEnders. Got an headstove in by St. Mal. We were like the C of E normal Christians, and then you were on the other side of the field. You were St. Teresa of the Little Cathys. Yeah, but I mean, I...

I know we're not a sectarian area of Preston, but I really did think you were very different to us. Did you? I felt it. Which one did you go to? Crookings Lane. Did you? Crookings Lane had manky uniforms.

Maroon and blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had grey and yellow. It was horrible. Yeah, it wasn't good, was it? No. But they just felt like they looked fresher. Is there any other saints you'd like to fuck?

We're going down memory lane Saint Christopher why patron saint of travel is there yeah right just thought I'd get me

motorway diversions out I thought you were doing like a a covid travel corridor I've got my own travel corridor what's she the saint of can you google that for us please what is it

nothing she's only died you don't have to be the saint of something Can you Google that for us, please? What is Mother Teresa the saint of? You don't have to be the saint of something anymore. You can just be like a saint. She only died 20 years ago. What is she? She'd be like the saint of online banking or something. Do you know what I mean?

She's a very modern saint. What's Mother Teresa the saint of? Actually, really good working wireless routers. The patron saint of Bitcoin. Patron saint of Bitcoin. She's a superior general. Doing all right. Old fucking Mo.

Is she a saint of anything? No, but her title is the superior general. The superior general? She's going to a fucking war with Satan. She hasn't got a specific role. No, she hasn't. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah in the

a role do you really are your family still Catholic are you are they still still doing it my family

my immediate family pretended to be Catholic so I'd get into a better school yeah yeah classic dad innit yeah yeah yeah all Hallows is a better school

than yeah the other one yeah yeah yeah I will christen my kids if they can go to St Margaret Mary's or Shoe Island too. Good school, that. Well, a lot of people do do that.

So here's a thing that happens that doesn't officially happen, but I'll tell you that it happens. So basically, you're not allowed to choose what kids you get, right? So at year seven... Schooled. Schools, yeah. I mean, schools. Madonna did.

Yay! Fucking hell. So what'll happen is, at year seven, what should happen is the kids that just get dumped there are just the fucking kids that get dumped there. And if you get a particularly thick cohort of kids, then you just have to fucking make it work, yeah? But what...

Who has to make it work? The school just has to make it work. They have to make them get good grades. That's... But if religion is put in as a little caveat... So, but if religion gets put in as a caveat, then they can begin to pick and choose which kids they take. So, let's say you're a religious school and you have fucking

thicky mcthickerson who wants to come to your school and he's going to bring all your grades down because he's a thick cunt what you can do is you can go have you been to every fucking sunday mass for the last 10 years because like well i missed one you're like you're fucking out i've been going to the so garage for my breakfast for the last 10 years? And the kid's like, well, I missed one. And you're like, you're fucking out, mate. I've been going to the SO garage for my breakfast for the last 10 years. Exactly. I've not been baptised.

You were surprised, dear. Whereas the clever kids, the ones that you want at the school because they're going to bring the grades up, you go, can you say the word God? Yes.

Great. No, you have to go and sit with, we had to go and sit with the vicar. That's how, I don't know where, That's because you were the thick kid and they were trying to keep you out. No.

But you just passed the test. What are you on about? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? No, it wasn't because... It was because that's what you had to do to get into school.

You had to get a thing from the... Unless you were clever. The clever ones, the ones above you, they just let them in. So what kind of officially, unofficially happens sometimes is that the criteria for letting the clever kids in

is a lot looser than the thick ones. And then that way, they can pick and choose which ones they want. And naturally, because they get... Did you have to have a letter from the priest, from St. Teresa's, to get in? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's so dodgy when you think about it, isn't it, basically?

Oh. So you as religionists are like, we are going to choose who we want. Because we weren't really religious. My mum just knew how to play the fucking game. So we had to basically just sit there. I remember going to see the vicar, and it was the weirdest. You're just sitting, have a cup of tea with him. Mum there, me there, like, oh, so you want to go to this school?

Like, no, I don't want to be in your fucking living room, v we don't even go to your church and we all did this nice smiley thing and then he writes a letter and you get in a cfv grammar school like it's horrible oh yeah and the thing is as well is it's a self-fulfilling prophecy because what happens is they take the best kids the best kids the best academic kids they then get the best results and they look like the best school and then so more people want to go to it because they think it's the best academic kids, they then get the best results and they look like the best school. And then so more people want to go to it because they think it's the best school. Half the time, these Catholic schools

aren't the best schools really. It's just they take the best kids so naturally they get the best fucking results. Conspiracy. There's a God conspiracy going on. Oh, there's definitely, definitely a conspiracy with religion and education

in this country. I went to do that sit-down thing with the priests to get into Cardinal Heenan from St Margaret Mary's. So St Margaret Mary's is the church, like right in Dovecote where I grew up, the parish club is where we used to drink as a family and stuff. And I was year six or whatever,

and our priest was the gayest man. Like, you knew he was gay three weeks before you met him. Do you know what I mean? How did you get in the school adam well i got into school oh adam's a very bright student wasn't asking you three weeks warning though he's hungry for knowledge i uh i nearly got in a lot of trouble when i asked him in front of my mom and dad i didn't think god liked you to be gay wow never he brought to you and like i can barely remember it i was already how gay was he like he had a doily and everything really oh yeah so he he sat down and he was

talking to me about skill and i went can i ask you a question and he went yeah of course that's what we're here for you know i ask you questions you ask me questions i went i didn't think god liked it if you were gay and he went i'm not gay i'm married to the church i don't i don't go near men or women and i was like yeah is the church a man when we come out my mum was like you're a fucking idiot he's not gay he's just got a like an effeminate voice and i was like i didn't know mom i just I still got in though yeah I still got in don't know what

me fucking dad had to do to make that happen listen listen your son isn't your son isn't Cardinal Heaton material but over in that room

Mother Teresa's dying for a shag your dad did the thing that Forrest Gump's mum did the Cardinal Heaton priest is like fucking hell lad dad did the thing that Forrest Gump's mum did? The cardinal heathen priest was like Fucking hell, lad. Oh, your dad is very very interested in your education.

And you were just there going You were telling us... What a weird fucking thing to have to go through. Yeah, it's strange, isn't it? You were telling us just before we started Because you've never really mentioned As part of your comedy before Or certainly not last time you were on here

That you've done quite a lot of teaching But you've just told us that you're not arsed anymore Because you're never going back to it Yeah fuck it it's done now Why? Because I fucking hate it Why do you hate it though? It's really

What about enriching and improving the lives of millions of children? It's really hard So that's It lives of millions of children it's really hard so that's oh it's it's easily the hardest job that's not what you want to be doing anyway it was a i remember when i got mates with you you were doing your pgc just as you were starting to get a lot of paid gigs and you were like yeah it's not ideal i just want to sort of i want to fall back and i was like it's it's a clever, but it's not like you wanted to be in teaching. You are a comic. But this last year has jiggled everything up, hasn't it?

Because you look at, right, when I started to get paid work and stuff, I was very conscious of the old shit comics that were trapped on the circuit. And they hadn't achieved what they wanted to achieve in life, but they had nothing else. Name them. They're in the fucking...

Name just one. Just name one. They're in their 50s or whatever. They can't fucking walk into a job and then it says, oh, I was a comedian for the last 30 years. All right, cool. Well, we're going to start you off a minimum wage.

It's just not going to work for them. No, you've to work for them. No, you've been working for yourself. You're a little, you're like, comics are so, they're captaining their own fucking weird ship to then be like,

now you're part of our team where the supervisor's 28 and he's an absolute hard-on. It's not going to... This is it. And there are, as well, I think every comedian has a glass ceiling

where they just aren't going to get better than that and i don't think you know it's so brutal it is isn't it so true and the thing is as well as you don't know you don't know where your glass ceiling is until you can feel something rubbing against your fucking head and then you're like oh shit 50 quid middles is my glass ceiling but you two have been doing it at the point... A name popped into my head there. But you two have been doing it long enough that, like, 10 years in, you're still like, ooh, this feels a little bit ceiling-y, but I'm sure there's more going.

Mate, when you've been doing it 15, 20 years, there is a bit where you're like, oh, yeah, this feels all very... It's, like, repetitive. You've found your ceiling. It is a brutal thing.'re like, oh, yeah, this feels all very, it's like repetitive. You've found your ceiling. It is a brutal thing. There's nothing wrong with that. That's life.

You're probably finding ceilings for yourself at the moment. Like, you're probably not going to get on TV. And I'm probably not either. It's just something that's just not really going to work for us. No, it's why you hustle for other avenues. Totally. And you feel the little bump and you go, oh, I'm not going to go down that route okay pivot and then you got this instead which is miles better than fucking tv which is you know great because you're the masters of your own

destiny pretty much but i never you can't i don't know if you know you can't do the mother theresa deathbed on the bbc i don't think they're gonna okay it i would like to get it checked okay right we'll speak to our people if you're willing to let me because obviously we do stuff on this and you know

we could turn them into bits I feel like we both contributed a lot to that if I can have that routine if I do get a stand-up shot of the BBC I will try and get it

cleared right then I walk out with the postcard sellotape to my face again hello Adam you said we could do it again. It's not as good, is it? Imagine that on Live at the Apollo.

Just no explanation. No explanation. Nothing about the podcast or even how you two know each other. Just the walking embodiment of glass ceiling walks out with Mother Teresa selling tape to his face. Not even that he's a comic.

Just that it's like a random bloke that you've got to come out just so this bit will work. I have a wrinkly hands. I give a hand job. The glass ceiling is real. I felt it. But for some guys and ladies and other,

I don't know what to say anymore. People. What did you say? People. other, I don't know what to say anymore, there is a... What did you say? People! Like, listen. That sort of encompasses everyone, unless you don't regard people of different genders as people. Yeah, Freddie's

really struggling. Men or women or... Oh, fuck you! Just people. Well, I think you're familiar enough with my body of work to know what I feel about the subject! No, so, look, there are people who, like, their glass ceiling is doing a fucking, you know, hundred quid gig in Grimsby. Do you know what I mean?

And that's that. And I looked at those people, and the thing is, when you get to that, when you're in such a precarious situation for work, you never want to mix your setup. You always want to do the gold, which is just it gets every year it gets a little bit older and a little bit shitter our fear is not great for development of stuff like so so many of those people and they were clinging on to the circuit by their fucking face they were going to carlisle to put the electricity

on and it was just like uh and i And I thought, I would rather give up comedy than be one of those people. I'd rather not do it and look at myself in the mirror every day and go, I failed on my own terms. This is back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've just realised that when you said, go to Carlisle to put the electricity on, you meant so that they could pay their own electricity bill and not just go and turn on Carlisle's Christmas lights. Every year in Cumbria, they have a big thing. We're going to put the lights on now in everyone's houses.

We've got comedian Freddie Quinn. He's come all the way to Cumbria. I'd fucking do that gig. I don't give a shit. I'd do that gig. Did you say Carlisle? Yeah, man. Do you know,

this is a 100% true story. So, comics that will eventually sit on that couch from the North East who are friends of ours. I'm not sure if I've told you this before. Chris Ramsey, obviously very famous Geordie comedian.

Jason Cooke, who you lived with for a bit, didn't you? And, you know, Stefan Peddi. So they were all in Jason Cooke's BBC Two sitcom very famous Geordie comedian, Jason Cook, who you lived with for a bit, didn't you? And, you know, Stephen Petty. So they were all in Jason Cook's BBC Two sitcom, Heaven, which is a small suburb of Tyneside. And it was the title of the show. And someone got in touch with the show

and wanted to book Chris Ramsey for what I, I can't remember the figure, but a derisory amount of money to come and turn the Christmas lights on so Chris was like no I don't even think it got to Chris I think his agent just went don't be fucking stupid and they were like

well can we have Jason then and Jason was like I don't want to fucking do that I'm not doing it Stefan Peddy was like I'll fucking do it we'll go and flick a switch for a few hundred quid or whatever it was I'll fucking do it I'll go and flick a switch for a few hundred quid or whatever it was i'll fucking do it i'll go down it was some cunt's living room this is true i could bring stephan and get him to tell you he literally had to like lean behind the telly no and flick on a four plug amazing oh that's so fucking funny.

I hope he got paid cash for that, just for that awful, awful moment. Also, also as well... You did that fucking great. Also as well, if there's one person that you didn't want leading behind your telly, it's 30 Stone Stefan Petty. He once rang me to cancel a gig

because his car was in the garage and he couldn't get his hire car on. It's amazing. He's too big for his hire car. Yeah, yeah. His hire car didn't fit him. They gave him a K.A. and he was like,

it was when I ran a gig at Hope Uni. Twice it's been mentioned today, isn't it? And yeah, he was booked to do it. And he was like, you can't get me fucking car on. It's too small that's fucking his big bone his heavy structure well yeah that's why

I got into teaching anyway because I wanted to have a backup just in case I ever had to fucking take a gig where I switch someone's fucking meter on do you know what I mean no chance so yeah I got into teaching and then i trained for a year and then i did two years for an nqt which is like your your first initial year of teaching

um you know once i was qualified then i just fucked it off and i thought well what i'll do you qualified as a teacher and i was like i'm doing fine as a comic so you basically did everything you needed to do to get the qualification and then they were like, I'm doing fine as a comic. So you basically did everything you needed to do to get the qualification. And then they were like, right, Freddie, so where do you want to go? I want to go to Carlisle for 100 quid. So fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, well, the thing is, the idea was that I could always have supply to lean back on. I've been doing some supply during the pandemic and it's fucking crap. It's just dog shit. So supply is when teachers are off sick and you go in and sort of have to walk into teaching a class that you've sort of got no idea where they're up to

or what they're doing. Yes, and you basically just have to make it up as you go along. So, I have taught Spanish during the pandemic. Do you speak any Spanish? Can't speak a fucking word. None. How do you do that? No, you behead.

I don't fucking know. You just make it up you are sorry just a class full of kids in preston who just can't speak spanish now because you told them all the wrong way i'll show you how i do it right and this only works with younger kids older kids see straight through it right let's say there's a fucking question on the board what does soy mean or something like that yeah what does soy mean uh okay adam on the board. What does soy mean or something like that? Yeah. What does soy mean? Okay. Adam, what do we think? What does soy mean?

Penis. Penis. Is he right? And then the class will let you know. What if they all go, no. Then you go, he's not right. What do we think? And then someone will go, oh, I am.

Is she right? He's just playing high and low with the? And then someone will go, oh, I am. Is she right? She's playing higher and lower with the class. Literally, Bruce Forsythe. Higher than a penis, you say, and I am. It's literally as easy as that. Right. But then sometimes you will teach, like, so, for example, I had to teach a year 11 class physics, the lesson before the mock exam. Oh, that's not fun.

Literally, one of the kids was like, sir, what's the formula for converting kinetic energy through to excess heat energy? And it's like, I don't even know what he just said. You need your real teacher's phone number and ring his sick ass and ask. But they're all self-isolating, so it's like... So you've been doing it this since,

like, the schools went back in what, like, July or June, July? Well, no, that's school holidays, isn't it, July? No, when did the schools go back? June? September. Did they go back in September? I thought they went back before. So have you been picking off bits? I did some bits, and I did some bits in November as well.

By the way, can I just say say that summer holiday was a load of shit wasn't it like right schools have been off when well from the end of march right through until about june like well we're gonna need the summer holiday though aren't we guys definitely end of july into august that's absolutely massively important have we just been off for five months yeah never mind that it's the children's mental health. You know, they're really struggling at the moment. I love it when parents do that. Like, I need my child to go back because their mental health and I need them to fuck out the house.

Yeah, yeah, sure. It's about their mental health. But you've been quite vocal. Like, not to get too serious, you know, comedy podcast, very funny, ha ha ha. But, thanks for summing it up. That's our new bio. comedy podcast, very funny, ha ha ha. But, thanks for summing it up. That's our new bio. Comedy podcast, very funny, ha ha ha.

Spoken like a foreign national. Me make talk, Mother Teresa, boom boom. Very many laugh, ha ha ha. It's like you've got a Serbian man to sum up your podcast. minute laugh. It's like you've got a Serbian man to sum up your podcast. Adam Rowe, Comedy Man Liverpool, Grandad Dave,

Boring, Freddy, Not Teacher. But you have been quite vocal about the fact, because, you know, there's parents who listen to this, not good ones, but there's some. Because you really don't think the kids should be in school, because you basically think they're not getting an education anyway.

Oh, they're not. So I used to be fucking, like, especially when I was a teacher, like, my line was always that unless your kid is literally fucking dying, then they have to go into school. None of this fucking, oh, he's got a migraine so he can't come in. Fuck off. Get your kid into school. Stop being a prick.

Because you can't miss school. Because what happens is you've got to think of this from a teacher's perspective right you've got 30 fucking kids in the class let's say they're in year 10 or year 11 where it starts to get important right let's say you have two kids off on the week where you talk about a character from a book and then you you teach it to the other 28 and then the next week you move on to a different character, and those two kids come back, well, how the fuck are you going to, what, are you going to teach two sets at once? What, are you going to teach the two,

and then they're going to miss out on something else? Like, what the fuck do you do? So, like, actually kids missing school is a massive fucking problem when you're teaching, because the curriculum's so goddamn tight that you can't afford for any days off and shit like that but at the moment they just aren't getting an education like again i can't speak a fucking word of spanish it's pointless me being in that room and being like oh what does what oh what's one mean what what anyone who knows they have to be there because especially like even like

if they're key workers kids they have to be in at the moment, don't they? Yeah. That's the, so. Yeah, but it's not a school, is it? It's more like a fucking creche. Because the amount of, the amount of staff that are off is insane. Like I was working at places where over 50% of teachers were off. Now I like, that's just unbelievable.

Like if you have in a school, if you have two or three teachers off on one day, it's like, oh, bloody hell. Oh, we're snowed under at the moment. It's insane. It's unprecedented because- And now you've got half the staff off. What, isolating, actually got COVID?

Yeah, one of the following. Because the thing is, so the one where I taught physics, the head of science was meant to teach that day, which is a good shout on paper, isn't it? She got a text message at five past eight to say, you've got to self-isolate. And so she's like, she spoke to the head and she was like, says I've got to go. And they were like, yeah, you've got to, you can't be insured to be at school. So they just fucked her off at five past eight and that was like says i've got to go and they were like yeah you've got to you can't be insured to be at school so they just fucked her off at five past eight and that was that and then i had to come in and i'm just a body in the fucking room i don't know any goddamn physics so it's like

jesus it's pointless than being open and also as well you cannot you cannot like socially distance and stop it from spreading you just can't't. It's impossible. Are the kids bothered about COVID? Are they talking about it? Like, are they even aware of what's going on? I was teaching in schools when killer clowns were a thing. Huh? Do you remember killer clowns? Like people dressing up as clowns and scaring the shit out of kids.

Two years ago? No, it was about four years ago. Wasn't it after it? It was like four years ago? About four years ago. I don't really remember that because we touched on that. We were at one point,

like we didn't end up doing it. So I'm just going to sort of say it. We were looking at doing, it was only when we had like 500 patrons as well. It's like five times the size of that now. We were going to do a big prank of some sort. We were going to use the 500 patrons

to like want you patrons to like, want you all to tweet at the same time saying you've seen like a UFO and see if we can get like, get it trending or something. And one of the ideas we had was to just get loads of people to dress up as clowns and go to Newsham Park in Liverpool and just spread this like, what the fuck are all these clowns doing in Newsham Park every night? How brutal would that be when it was just three podcast listeners turned up? One of them hadn't even made the effort with the clown costume

and none of us could be fucking arsed. You'd lose three listeners there going, I fucking spent... It's a proper Pennywise. Bastard. Yeah, one of you guys or one of the patrons mentioned that then, like there was this killer clown thing. It's big in America, wasn't it?

Yeah, because we're adults and for us, we don't see a dude dressed up as a clown and go, oh my god, he might hurt me. You go, look at that fucking prick. If it was dark and there was someone walking down the street with a clown mask on, I'd fucking run a mile. Would you? Yeah. So here's the thing.

I would think, probably a pedo. Clowns walking down the street, do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm a night-time clown. I go to night-time children's parties. Also, he's on a register.

He's scary, wouldn't he? But not for you. Why? He might have a knife. I'm so like you, but I haven't. Yeah, but neither is he. Yeah, but he could get one.

But you wouldn't think that he's a pedo either, because one thing about pedophiles is that they don't try and attract attention to themselves. Do you know what I'm saying? Big fucking red car with a nose on the side. Where is the honour of pedophilia these days? Dress up as a clown, let us know. You're looking at him like,

well, this is a bizarre double bluff situation that he's doing I can hear footsteps slap slap slap yeah I mean pedos keep a low profile generally speaking

don't they yeah yeah high profile pedophiles outed this year don't know whether you've heard of Prince Andrew being shagging

the lot of them mate in the art do you reckon he'll ever get done for that well absolutely not no is Mars the queen exactly it's mad being shagging the lot of them, mate. In the arse and everything. Do you reckon he'll ever get done for that? What? Absolutely not. No. Is Mars the queen?

Exactly. It's mad. And do you know what? Right, let me just say this. If my ma... This isn't a conspiracy, either. If my ma was the queen and I got in any sort of trouble with the law,

I'd be fucking fuming. Do you know what I mean? If your ma's the queen, I'd be fucking fuming. Do you know what I mean? If you're Mars the Queen, I expect her to help me out. Oh yeah, you deserve a pass, don't you? No, you don't deserve it, but you would expect it. A royal pardon.

Yeah, that happens a lot, doesn't it? Royal pardons. That means you don't have to go to court or anything. That's how that works, isn't it? Oh no, that's right. Has any prince ever been prosecuted in your lifetime? What are you asking me questions that you know I don't know the answer

and you don't know the answer? Exactly. So as soon as neither of us know the answer, he goes, exactly. Could be true. End of. There you go. 5G, Hillary Clinton, each children, Prince Andrew has fucked me,

he's fucked a clown, and he's fucked kids, and he's fucked Freddie's children from school. There you go. Do you know that he's not? There you go. Hey, do you know that he's not? There you go. He cut off. He's so finished with conspiracies. Do you really not think he shagged that game?

Have you not seen that interview? She's just a lack of information on your part. You've seen two tweets, not concentrated. I've seen the interview with Emily Maitlis where he's like, I can't sweat while he's pissing with sweat doesn't like conspiracies Dan yeah

but this isn't a conspiracy I can't wait for you to start your fucking conspiracy podcast I think some conspiracies and I will not be a gift some conspiracies are bollocks like Flat Earth is bollocks for idiots

but I do think that Prince Andrew fucked an underage person at some point. I just, I think it's just too much for coincidence. It's not really a conspiracy, is it? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying it is. If you went round to, like, a pedo's house every day

for, like, a year or whatever, and they were outed as a pedo, it's not too much for people to go, what were you doing there every day? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not too much, is it? Exactly. And I think the whole like,

Epstein, you know, killing himself and shit, I think it's just, there's something clearly not right. All very convenient. Yeah. But, do you know what it is I think that powerful people have worked out

that we can only be arsed for a certain amount of time we probably have we're arsed until the next thing happens so we go oh my god I cannot believe this this is fucking outrageous and then we all sleep on it and then we go ah it's fine innit

and then they go we're going to make fine, innit? And then they go, we're going to make a female Ghostbusters and everyone goes, no! How much did you waste on track and trace? 11 billion? Female fucking Ghostbusters! So the kids are talking about COVID and you brought up killer clowns and then... So, yeah, yeah. So the kids are talking about COVID and you brought up killer clowns and then...

So, yeah, yeah. So the kids were... I mean, there were some kids that pretended to be scared of killer clowns, but they fucking weren't. But there were children that were genuinely afraid of them because you've got to remember, they're fucking kids, they're idiots. Yeah. But a lot of them are genuinely afraid of COVID.

Yeah. Because they've had a year of being told, if you don't wear a mask, you might kill your dad. Do you know what I mean? And so it's fucks with their fucking heads. It's weird. Etta is not even four. And they've obviously heard,

we never said coronavirus in front of her. We never talked about it. Just careful, aren't you? Because you don't want her to be obsessed with germs. She's at such a young age. She just came back back from nursery this is about a month and a half ago and was like because of the coronavirus and you're like where the fuck did that come and because we laughed she's just obviously heard it from another kid now she just throws it in like whenever she's like she does a little cough and she's like i've got coronavirus and because it's because she's three she just can't she doesn't know and she's just repeating

it it's so funny however we've got mates in comedy you've got kids who are like eight nine ten eleven years old they are smart enough to to see death statistics on the news and whatever even if they're not fully concentrating, they're taking that in. Etta's age, this isn't registering. She won't remember it in six months. At that age, it could be fucking really messing with these kids. I remember when I was that age, I was terrified of my mum and dad getting a divorce.

That was the scariest thing to me. And any time they had an argument, are you all right, Adam? And any time they had an argument... Is it a really weird mood no no no i just love the thought of correlating a global infectious pandemic with you watching all your mom and dad's mates getting divorced going they're gonna catch it that's what i mean though but i always used to think any time that they had an argument and stuff i was like shit this is the

one this is fucking it do you know what i mean Why were you so worried about that? I don't know, really. I mean, I don't think I really cared. Did you not want them to be happy? I was, again, I was eight, nine, ten. You're not fucking thinking like that. But that was your big fear? Yeah. I was really scared of my gran dying because she smoked.

And what I remember one night when I was a kid, I just cried uncontrollably. And they couldn't soothe me because I'd just got it in my head that if you smoke you die and I just watched my gran smoking and it's because at that age, 8, 9, 10 years old you're quite bright in a way

you're taking all things in and I'd been I'd seen adverts about smoking all of this warnings and I was like well I love my gran and she's smoking and I got myself so fucking wound up with it that I was inconsolable. Also, the adverts- I was really scared of Stephen Gerrard signing for Chelsea for a while. It looked really

close for a bit. Were you alright? Yeah. Did you- we're inconsolable? Like, just for a little minute there. It's not real, Adam. It's not real. The adverts for fucking smoking as well are horrific. If you're a child watching that, the amount of fucking anti-smoking adverts there are where one person takes a little bit of a fag and then they suddenly turn into like fucking brown

sludge and shit if you're looking at that you think yeah it'll fuck your fucking head up massively yeah any any parents like you know when you're like you can't smoke in front of children that's a whole new level i wouldn't let children see the cigarette packet anymore because they are basically a 3d horror fucking film aren't they like it's absolutely there was a point there was a point when it was non-smoking adverts was like a doctor and he go i uh i'm a doctor do or don't smoke and then that was the end of the advert and then that was it and then about 2006 they were like let's up this fucking ante and then it was like they were smoking and like fat particles were dripping on the floor and shit and people were like collapsing and stuff

and you're like holy fuck as a non and never smoker i think that's good yeah i don't like i don't know but if you're seven and you're watching that and one of your parents or your grandparents smokes, it'd be fucking terrifying. Yeah, but then I think that's good because then the parent might be like, I need to stop smoking so that my kid's not worried about it. Yeah, but yeah, I get it.

There's a fine line between that, warning them off it and giving them horrific fucking nightmares because some of those cigarette packets... I used to have a bit about this on stage if you still smoke these days you do not give a fuck because what was my bit i can't even remember it where you're like i was behind a guy at the counter and they've got like the bulletproof metal sheets and and the the lad had never worked on the counter before and the guy was directing him

from the illnesses on the warning pictures like no mate to the left no that's mouth cancer no that's not i want sovereigns three to the left the tracheotomy that's my brand and i know it's an exaggeration but it literally is that graphic with cigarette packets they're like all the same color all the same print and then the fucking print. And then the fucking horrific warnings. Like I'm all for it. I don't want kids thinking they can smoke, but I would not want Etta even looking at a cigarette packet at this age. It's frightening. But it does frighten.

I mean, it works. You're right. It does work, but they are frightened of COVID. Now they are definitely afraid of COVID. And there aren't any fucking, well, there are like rules and bubbles and things in school but they just don't fucking work because schools aren't designed like hospitals are like hospitals are designed to contain diseases and stuff and there's a school's designed

there's wings and yeah shit if you think about a school right what a school is designed for is to house the most amount of kids in the smallest fucking area and it's got to be built in a way that a thousand kids can get to their lessons within five minutes all at once yeah yeah that's literally how they're built and the way they behave the younger you are the more i remember going to my mate's club night and everyone was just bumping into me and you're like yeah because I'm 30 and I don't like being bumped into because I like my personal space. That just happens naturally as you get older.

These are all 18, 19-year-old students, and they're used to being corridors at school and then university where they're crammed in. And they're used to barging past each other. So how can you ask enough kids at school to be like, you just stay away and stay there? They don't give a fuck. I've got a great story about how cramped corridors are at schools so one time i was teaching at this school

and uh we were in you know every school has like one of those buildings that was a temporary building but was up for like 30 fucking years the annex yeah yeah yeah so it was in that and the um the corridors were fucking ridiculously small. They were so small that a one-way system was operational because otherwise people couldn't move. And kids were square. I was fucking ridiculous in there. It looked like I was wearing the fucking building.

Do you know what I mean? And so I'm walking like this, and I was having a bad day anyway, right? And I could feel these two kids behind me trying to push past me. But because it's so tight, you can't really even turn around. And so I'm walking. I feel these kids pushing behind me trying to push past me but because it's so tight you can't really even turn around and so i'm walking i feel these kids pushing me that's me i could hear one of them going and i was like oh they're crying oh you're trying to push past me because you're crying and you're embarrassed because you're crying in public well you know what sometimes people get embarrassed and sometimes people cry and you just gotta

fucking get over that so what i started doing because i'm a petty motherfucker how old were you at this point 30 um so so uh oh i'm a grown adult uh so but but what i did because i'm petty is i was like you know what i'm gonna walk even more slowly just so you can learn that you don't push past people just because you're having a bad day and you're fucking crying. So I walked really slowly like this just to make a point. And then I went into my classroom and these kids burst past me and I turned around to look and see exactly who it was. And one of them was having an asthma attack. Oh my God. Freddie, you know you're not going to be doing teaching anymore.

I don't think that's a bad thing. You've never really enjoyed it, Davia. You hate children. There are bits about it that I really, really like, and to be honest with you, it is the most rewarding and the most fucking infuriating job in the world at the same time the amount of hours that you have to put in on pointless shit is fucking insane every teacher does like 50 60

hour weeks it's fucking bollocks um and it's most of the time it's not even on it's not even on stuff that like that matters do you know what i mean just the curriculum you got to tick all the boxes yeah so here's the thing right you can't just fucking just the curriculum you got to tick all the boxes yeah so here's the thing right you can't just fucking rock up or you shouldn't just rock up and be like all right okay we're gonna learn about um of mice and men so here's some fucking mice and men books i'm gonna read mice and men and that's gonna be a fucking hour do you know i mean like what should happen is every lesson should have a starter every lesson should have something called a plenary at the end, which checks for knowledge and learning and shit like that.

But your plenary can't be, oh, John, what's the name of fucking Lenny's friend? Oh, you know, you, what's this, what's that? Because you've only checked the learning of three people. It has to be an exercise that checks the learning of 30 kids within five or 10 minutes, which is fucking impossible if you think about it as it is. But there's also shit like differentiation and stuff like that.

Within a classroom of 30-odd children, they're all going to have different problems. You're going to have some who are more clever. You're going to have some who are a bit fucking stupider. You might have one or two that are dyslexic. You might have some that have some personal issues going on. And you have to, every lesson has to be cultivated and managed around all those fucking things oh god it's impossible it's absolutely the spannery kids at school it's like how are you here oh sometimes how are you here kid

you you're only just in were you in like a higher set i was in higher sets for some things middle sets for others i don't think i was in the sets for some things middle sets for others I don't think I was in the bottom set for anything so if you've never taught bottom set before bottom set is so fucking

hang on let's just check have you ever taught bottom set before let me just check if you've never I think I think honestly doing this podcast

with Adam Mike Mike Mike counters about 40% of that I was in top set for everything, so you can suck your mum. Even R.E.? Yeah, we were both in top set for everything, the entirety of school.

I play the card. I'm actually very intelligent. How long were the lessons? But some top sets in some schools are like middle sets in other schools. Yeah. So it's not really like all top sets are the same. Mate, Adam never misses an opportunity to tell us how intelligent he was at school don't take it personally that's been a literally a year

long of like i did very well at school do you know what and i went on a chess competition and won that do you know what's uh do you know what's brilliant though is if you teach bottom set it's true though you do they are so are so fucking... You fucking... Disrespect me on my podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On our podcast, you are disrespecting our co-host. I was your priest. All right. If you teach bottom set, they are so docile. They're too thick to be naughty, basically.

So they just sit there like... Do you know what I mean? I just get rewarded for not... What? Do you like if there wasn't a fire that week? Do you all get mountain bikes? Yeah, pretty much. Because you have to reward them.

Because, right, imagine this, right? So here's the thing, right? Kids know that they're not clever, right? So when you get to about year eight and you start to see, you start to go, hang about. Hang about. Why am I in the same set as this

fucking idiot ah i guess i'm a fucking idiot as well that guy's just shit himself and he's humming the national anthem exactly i think i might need to work harder exactly right so you get to a point where you realize that you're not that smart and there's just nothing that you can really do about it it's not like you can get more brain, is there? You just fucking have to deal with that shit. So you have to constantly be, like, encouraging them. And that's why, like, every little thing, you're like, oh, well done. Because otherwise you just never fucking get anything done.

I remember PE with some of the slightly spannery kids. We had a swimming baths at our school. Yeah, we did as well. And that, you know, when you're like... Someone's shitting at once. You know, we've talked about it before. that you know when you're like you know we've talked about before you know when you're taking them taking the mickey when you've been around them for so long watching some of them lads swim was like so like in in theory like a lot of like

like god he's a bit thick and makes things hard work and then you see them swim and we were an all boys school we were fucking animals but still everyone after a couple of years of watching them so it was like yeah it's not funny anymore as you're watching someone be like there's fucking floats flying everywhere so you can see a PE teacher going what am i doing with my actual life like put your head under the water they have no they have no motor skills it's like dropping a cat in a river they're just like how did you get to school

if you're that scared of a metre and a half of water did they have to swim to school did your school have a moat one of ours pooed in the pool one of ours did poo in the pool yeah pooed in the pool

his name was Yusuf and he pooed in the pool Yusuf what year did Yusuf poo in the pool yeah his name was Yusuf and he pooed in the pool what year did Yusuf poo in the pool 10 please tell me you called him poosif they can call him anything because he had down syndrome for the yeah he had down syndrome yeah not as fun story anymore he got told off surely didn't he no he celebrated yeah yeah he got a fucking got a certificate

at the end of the year at the end of the year assembly got two mountain bikes ten metres and one third when I by the way when I say spannery

I just mean a bit thick no we do too alright there was no Down's syndrome if anyone's like Dan's been a real prick about swimming

with Down's syndrome I'm defo not our kids were just thick and a bit dyspraxic but here's the, Dan's been a real prick about swimming with Down syndrome, I'm defo not. To be fair... Our kids were just thick and a bit dyspraxic. But here's the thing, here's a genuine thing, right? Imagine that you're in a set for school and you know that the set is based on ability

and you're a kid with no disabilities and then you look to your left and there's a kid with Down syndrome and you're like, I'm the same as that. That's shit. Do you know what I mean? And it's like, at least they've got an excuse. Do you know what I mean? Whereas I'm like, fuck, I'm the same as that. That's shit. Do you know what I mean? And like,

it's like, at least they've got an excuse. Do you know what I mean? Whereas I'm like, fuck, I'm just thick. So they know, they do pick up on it.

I was teaching once, I was teaching Shakespeare, right? We were doing like Romeo and Juliet or some shit like that. And the thing is, is you don't just jump into Romeo and Juliet. What you do is you do a week on Shakespeare

and Shakespeare's life and the globe, and then you do a week on the fucking time that he lived in and stuff like that, and the Tudor time, or whatever the fuck it was. And then you do like a week, and you build it really, really gradually and really slowly. I was about four weeks in. We were literally at the end of Act One with the bottom set,

and we're going really fucking slow and a kid puts his hand up and i'm like yes and he goes sir and i went yeah and he goes was shakespeare real and i went he was yeah and he went oh and that was it that was it could you imagine if you if you he asked the question you went fuck this but there was a minute i wonder how long you've been sitting on that question he thought we did a week on shakespeare's life what was he thinking that i was just making facts up about a random person fan fiction i like to think he grew up in England. Why can't you do that? Can't you go back once

and just TikTok you just losing your shit? Go back for one more day in a school and just burn the place down. Not literally, but just film all your classes and just go fucking mental at some kid. You stupid fucking cunt! Of course he's real!

What have you been doing for the past six weeks? You sick, wood-headed fuck! Wood-headed! You used to die, Fred. I, um, I, I, well, the thing is, is I honestly, it doesn't bother me that they're thick. It doesn't bother me that they don't try. Yeah, but content

is king. It's just all the other shit that goes along with teaching, all the fucking meetings and stuff, man. Go viral with that though, lad. It's so much easier being a comic, innit? Just like, write some bits, tell some stories, learn them, get good at them, do a bit of driving, bit of a ball, like, some promoters

are knobs, some comics are hard work, but you just get to do your own thing. I watch people in bands and think, that looks like a fucking ball ache, rehearsals, instruments. Carrying your own amp. Oh, just a fucking nightmare, and then someone's guitar's out of tune or whatever, and then all these jobs just seem so hard

and I'm just like, come on comedy, come back, it's so easy just talking. You know what I've been fucking doing recently, don't you? So they've shut the schools at the moment and they're not opening any time soon, so it's like I'm not going back there. So I have been doing part-time delivery driver for Iceland. Hang on. Mama like that, mama like that.

Tell a story. Well, there's no story to it, but there is a moment in your life. There is a moment. your life there is a moment he's playing our tune can you hear it oh right but there is a moment

where you go a year ago I was a professional comedian doing my dream job and now I'm gonna put it loud I'm fucking Iceland I'm an Iceland part time

yeah I'm fucking dreadful. Carlisle! All is forgiven! And it's up there. What would you give for that?

100 quid in Grimsby now? It's 10 hours work at fucking Iceland. Is it a 10 in an hour? What?

Less than that. £9.69. £9.69. Do you think promoters are ever going to pay decent wedge ever again? Like, even in, like, five years, it's 2026,

and people will be on the forums, comedians will be like, bloody hell, it really should be more than £120 to close the fuck chuckle hut in Hull. And the promoters are going to be like, well, well, oh, you're whinging them out of the fees, are you? I remember back in 2021 when you were working at fucking there's a comedian that we both know whose name i'm not going to say but they put a post on facebook a little while ago where they were like guys guys i have just been offered a gig uh for a corporate zoom gig and it's it's just it's 400 pounds and i'm not going to do it because i just

feel like it should be more money than that but i won't judge you if you take it but i'm just letting you know that i feel like you know we have to have standards in our industry and it's like are you fucking you're switching your fucking webcam on and talking for 20 minutes, 400 quid. I mean, by the way, if you're thinking, God, comedy can't be in a bad way, there's not a lot of those gigs knocking about. There's not a lot of those gigs. Most of them are like 25, 50 quid on Zoom at the moment.

I did one of them yesterday. I did a Zoom corporate yesterday afternoon, and it was the first one. So I did a few in December, as I told you about. This is the first one I did where I couldn't see anyone. This is the first Zoom thing I've done with no front row. Oh, dreadful, isn't it? It was just me.

So it was on Zoom, so you can see all their names in their little black boxes. Not one face for 25 minutes. And just had to keep talking and tell me face I was smashing it even though I was hating it. Did you laugh at any point? Because I've done a Zoom gig. I did, I think it's the Kiri's one. COVID Arms.

Where the only person you can hear is Kiri and she's in a small box and she's like distracted because she's comparing the show. She's like it works like this and you get to the end of the bit and there's a pause for the laughter in your head. Nothing happens and you go, oh my God, I'm filling my own pause for laughter. That's what I did. I had pause and I have a little look down at my little notes of what next bit I'm doing.

And then I just go, yeah, so I've been losing weight. Did you ever do any of the driving gigs? No. So I did, I did a few. Yes, I did, Freddie. Thank you. Oh yeah. Well, well, I did some in December, right? And they were like, guys, we encourage you guys and guys and girls and people in cars. We encourage you that if you find a joke funny, we want you to honk at those horns. We want you to flash at those lights. It's going to be great. Let's try it on three.

You know, that fucking shite. But the thing is, is like what would happen is that you tell a joke and then they'd laugh and they go, ha, ha, ha. Oh, beep, beep, beep,

flash, flash, flash. So there's a five secondsecond delay between them laughing, remembering that they have to do the honking. But you can't fucking time for that. No, no, no, no, no. It's impossible. You tell the joke, then you go, and then I said cucumber.

And also, yeah. So anyway, I was... A honk of a horn, the instinct is like, oh! But honking horns is very rarely a good thing. You're never like, smash that down about there, kid. Well done. I like your hair, lad.

But you'd finish your joke, oh, it's a cucumber. And then you'd move on, you'd go, so I was in the, and then they'd go, you'd be like, oh, fuck this. But, you know. Yeah, I'm not going to do any driving gigs.

I've stuck to me guns for nigh on a year now i've not yeah i think they're dying on the only the only zoom gigs i've done have been corporates and i've not done any driving gigs i'll do those outdoor ones again in the summer if they if they become a thing they were great they were fun yeah still not quite you know got i'm saying no no no no no i i i'm genuinely i'm sort of mean that i think everyone's experience okay so we've got the podcast we've we've grafted but we've been lucky a lot of people are having to graft at real things and i do think post like pandemic i really think fees for comedy are gonna be in a weird place I think there's some places that will pay what they used to pay.

And I think a lot of people will be like, I think we now see the value of gigging for 20 minutes. And I think it's 80 quid, 100 quid at best. Do you know what I think they'll do? I think what will happen is the opener and middles fees will suffer. But I think the headline fees will get bigger. You've been saying this for ages. I've said this for years.

Yeah, I think it's going to go to the American model where it's Freddie Quinn plus support. But why would that person not go and do a tour show? So, no, well, because everyone's going to take a step down now, I think. So I think that people who would do a tour show would now headline those gigs for three, four hundred quid and I think that people who would not bother

touring because they're on TV all the time would now take one down and start to tour a bit more and stuff like that. I think everyone's going to push everyone out. I don't know I don't know how that works at the Frog or or like the Comedia in Brighton. It's a very big shift culturally I actually think

you're both wrong for now. I think that's going to happen long term. I think in 5-10 years maybe it'll be slightly accelerated by what's happened. I do think it will go more that way where venues will be like look we need you to put 30 of the bums on. We need you to pay your own fee by getting the people in the

door. That's what we need you to do. Not on a weekend. These aren't weekends. No, that's what I'm thinking. Not necessarily immediately, but a bit further down the line. I think the independent promoters will be the first to try. Yeah, that model

sounds more like a mid-weeker, doesn't it? No, no. A weekend for independent promoters and shit like that, I think that'll be the first thing to happen. Because somewhere like the Frog & Bucket, the Comedy Store, Comedia, a weekend for independent promoters and shit like that, I think that'll be the first thing to happen because somewhere like the Frog and Bucket, the Comedy Store, Comedia, Hot Water... Glees.

Glees, they are their own brand. Do you know what I mean? And people are going to want to go because it's that club. On a Saturday night, they can do 600 tickets a night. Whereas if it's comedy night at the fucking, you know... The Fuck Chuckle hut. Yeah, the fuck chuckle hut upstairs in the pub where there's 200 people,

or, you know, in the function room of the hotel, you know, gigs, I think that they will start to pay for your, you know, acts with TV credits and profiles. Pay a bit more. I don't think that's wrong. I think the idea that it's going to be names headlining the Glee, the Comedia, the store, is such a massive shift. I don't think the store will ever necessarily go that way,

but I think there will be some clubs. I think it's possible at the Glee. I think it's possible at the Frog. I think it's possible at Comedia where they go, right, the Oprah in the middle get 120 quid, but the headliner gets 400. I don't think we're that far away from that. Do you know what else technically needs to fuck off as well?

It doesn't make any sense for a comedy club or comedy promoter to always pay the same fee to close. That doesn't make any sense. And if you don't know, there's a weird rule, not rule, but like a tradition in stand-up, that basically a slot at a night is a fee and if it's found

out that other comics are getting paid more than other comics, it doesn't half-generate some bad, like, bitching, doesn't it? Well, actually, when you think about it, it's completely sensible. Because, number one, not every comic brings the same thing there are some comics that are better than others obviously but there are some comics who have more

profile than others and will bring more um you know more people and save you money on advertising so it makes sense that money gets passed on to them essentially um but also as well it's about how well they negotiate you know like there's there's no fucking plumbing comedy forum where every plumber goes leaky tap 50 quid do you know they just fucking charge what they want to charge yeah but it i think it's the the idea of a circuit is where that changes it's not a plumbing circuit do you know i mean it's a comedy circuit it works because everyone is willing to do the same thing for a plumbing circuit do you know what i mean it's a comedy circuit it works because everyone is willing to do the same thing for the same money i i know what you're

saying and it you know it already does happen when a big name act you know if a club wants a big name act like i book a couple of gigs sometimes the promoter the people who promote the gig will go can you get us a name this guy you have to give us some more money, and I'll pay a little bit more. And comics don't moan about that, because if I put Russell Kane in Runcorn, then he gets a bit more, because he'll sell 50 or 100 of the tickets himself. So he earns that money by being who he is. But if you're just putting another circuit comic on... Yeah, if you value different circuit comics against different circuit comics,

it is going to get pissy, isn't it? Yeah, but I think it's the natural progression of things. I think it's the natural progression of things, especially now where there's so many different social media platforms and we've all got our own little profiles and people. But I think it'll be a good thing because I think it will encourage people to cultivate a following, which a lot of comics are so fucking lazy in doing. And do you it's going to take it's going to take people like the blairs

it's going to take younger promoters to change the game because as we know this industry is run by older guys and it's very slow paced if you look at the pace of the rest of the circuit trying to copy what hot water have done no one's managed it i mean they've laid out the blueprint of success yeah i know there's there's things like paul smith but the way they've used social media and the rest of the circuit like yeah we could do some videos and like it's been painful it's been it'll be younger promoters changing the rules it's been four years now since hot water uh opened up and they put cameras, really high quality cameras, and recorded all of their shows. There are how many clubs that are doing the same thing as Hot Water now,

as well as Hot Water when they started? No, none. Not many. None. So nobody is at the level of Hot Water of 2017. Yeah, yeah. So that's mental to me. They've tried.

For years. They've tried, they just haven't worked it out. We work in a fucking oil tanker of an industry that is constantly so slow to fucking react to any change at all. Well, I'm not saying your theories about where we're going are wrong. I just see it as it'll be so glacial, the movement on it, because they're like, well, we do what they do, and they've always done it the way we do it.

Like, the way weekend comedy clubs are set up now is almost identical to when they were set up in the early 90s. Yeah, there's very little innovation because there's a... A lot of copying. There's an attitude of, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Do you know what I mean? And it's not, like, it is getting broke, but it's bending. Like, it hasn't gone... Yeah, it's like, it is getting broke, but it's bending. Like it hasn't gone.

Yeah, it's bowing in the middle. It's bowing and eventually it'll just collapse in on itself. But if there was a big problem and the circuit snapped

and everyone would go, oh shit, we need to change it because it's bowing. They're going, no, it's just about keeping us up.

It's fine. It's fine. Oh shit. Then it's gone. And I can understand weekend comedy clubs, they just want to pay a headliner 180

and not 400. It makes it cheaper to not top load a fucking bill. Yeah. You know? I think we need to have a break because we're an hour and five in and we haven't had one yet. Okay. Probably a good shout, isn't it?

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Welcome back to the final section of episode 104. 104 with Frederick Quinn, Adamski Rowe, and me. back to the final section of episode 104 104 with Frederick Quinn, Adamski Rowe and me it's been an absolute pleasure so far it really creeps me out when you talk like this and you know it does I really wish you were wearing headphones right now because it makes it

a lot worse you don't like it, you sound creepy you sound like you're going to do something to my daughter and I don't like it well you haven't got a daughter yeah, future daughter wow things are moving quick in this relationship on this be upon one night fucking prego the next um freddie carl loves giving adam shit about that uh would you like to have a word with some people Would you like to do some Would you rathers

Let's do All of the things I'm here now You wanna do all of the things I wanna do everything I wanna do everything that you've got Let's clear out your inbox Would you rather

Sapning Grandad Dave Rowy Bag Sense8 And Finn Would you rather Only wash your hair Twice a year

Or only be able to Check your phone Once a day This includes Just gl to check your phone once a day. This includes just glancing at the time or a random notification. If a day is too easy, how about, no, I reckon, no, a day. You're right, mate, a day. So, washing your hair twice a year or checking your phone once a day. I'm looking at you because you A. have hair

and B. love dead phone so a couple of questions I need you I know they're not being added so if someone rings me does that count now you can use it as a telephone you can't be like

you can phone me once a day can I text if you text me so you can use it as for messaging and you can use it to call people but all my other apps are locked all the apps all the social media it's a one day check i'm fine with that then absolutely and like i don't think i'd necessarily what i don't think i'd find it easy but like for someone to say you can't do it that's what I need I need someone to lock me off from it

I can't wash these luscious locks twice a year Adam was watching a video we were already he went 40 seconds yeah and I nearly flicked his phone out of his fucking hand

listen listen look I am addicted to my phone but having that restriction would help me I can't wash these luscious locks twice a year. These get greasy in like a day. Your hair's been on strong form recently.

Uh-huh. And I need to keep it up. I wash my hair every day. You're not meant to. Can you, you know when it says you can only wash your hair twice a year? Yeah. Can you wash your body, but just not your hair? So put like a little hairnet on and then wash your body.

So yeah, you're allowed to shower. It's just, it's not, your hair has to stay unwashed. So by what, week three it gets really fucking... But there are people who don't wash their hair. It's like a well-known method of hair care. Vegan, hippie, gobshite cunts who stink of shit and live in fields. No, no, no. It's quite popular to use dry shampoo and shit like that.

Dry shampoo is still washing your hair. No, it's not really. It's not, though, is it? It's not really. What is it, then? It's just, that's like saying using gel is washing your hair, isn't it? Dry shampoo is just like a product, which is used to clean your hair. It's like if your missus...

It doesn't wash your hair. It's to make it look like you've cleaned your hair Yeah Yeah What you've done is heard shampoo and gone Yeah it's like shampoo It's just a fucking spray That zhuzhes you up a bit

It's like I don't know what the fuck I'm on about As I said zhuzh I was like You're the baldest cunt in the north west This is quite easy for you two innit Because you two are Oh yeah it's not for me

Well Your hair What your beard Yeah Do you wash that Yes Are you mad It isn't it because you two are for me oh yeah it's not for me well what your beard yeah do you wash that yes are you mad it doesn't look like you do

it doesn't though does it if I told you we'd never wash that would you be surprised can I I honestly Freddie

looks like a man what hang on let me just word this just leave it there who could stink a bit. But can I just say, he really doesn't.

He is one of the better smelling comics knocking about. Yeah. But he looks... He looks... And just to clarify, this was you choosing your words carefully. You look like you could stink. You look like you could stink. You look like you could stink.

That's a compliment. You don't stink. Mate, come on. You look, you know what I mean? You look like you could stink. Mine is always, mine is always the last bus seat to be fucking sat on next to me.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, God. That's more of a space issue though, isn't it? Yeah, it's coming out something one cheek in the aisle how often do you wash your uh your muzzy your beard my beard daily daily yeah well when you say wash it i run water through it to wash it i don't I don't fucking I don't fucking when do you use shampoo yeah like a when do I use shampoo um

I use shampoo whenever I have a shower so yeah daily alright on your beard yes for the Christmas where are you going

headwise here you're not you're sort of flirting with the baldacious aren't you so I I would be shaved now

you need to you need to commit to that and make it look like you decided yeah but it's locked down innit so I can't fucking get rid of it usually I'm a number one guy I would be shaved now, but lockdown is... You need to commit to that and make it look like you've decided. Yeah, but it's lockdown, innit? So I can't fucking get rid of it. Usually I'm a number one guy.

Just get a bich. Oh, no, don't go too shiny. Just clip it number one. Yeah, that's what I usually do, but there's no barbers, is there? Why don't you just do it yourself? Because I have a head trimmer, but it's in my old flat that's flooded, and I just can't justify buying a new one. So I just haven't yet.

I love how frugal you are. It really makes me laugh. Oh, yeah? I love talking money with Freddie, because it goes from me being the older guy to feeling like the fucking young guy instantly. As soon as we're talking about money, and Freddie's like, well, I think it'd be sensible to do this and this,

and I'm like, yeah, I've just bought a drill with some money, I think you're so much more switched on with money stuff than I ever was, well the thing is I spent many years of my life as a degenerate gambler with absolutely no money at all and so now I've gone

the other way, so I was massively addicted to gambling, especially in my early 20s you're more addicted to gambling than drinking and you're quite addicted to gambling especially in my early 20s you're more addicted to gambling than drinking and you're quite addicted to drinking aren't you because you love a bevy but I remember

we went Chester races and you didn't even have a drink all day because you wanted to gamble more than you wanted to drink yeah yeah 100% that's so good

that's like when I used to go clubbing and people were like well I'm not having a beer because I want to do drugs that's like commitment if someone said to me you can either never

drink or never gamble again i'd probably never drink again jerry i love gambling i love it so you were a degenerate gambler and now and now i'm a responsible gambler so adverts for gambling are really fun at the moment aren't they like we can get great odds but obviously don't fuck up your life and we'll put um limits on how much you can spend because it's really dangerous but come on sign up for a membership you know what i'm really fucking sick of the gambling adverts where it looks like we're all mates do you know i mean those adverts meet the thinker he's working out all the odds it's like fuck off like it's oceans eight yeah exactly some sad wanker in his mum's spare room. I bet both teams to score because they have an average of seven shots on target.

My favourite. Me, gut shot. Oh, I just fucking think this. Oh, fuck off. I bet like an alcoholic auntie. Like, I really do. Like, I'm talking about horses. I like the uniforms

and the names I like your mum on national day yeah yeah that's how I bet and I I ended by the time I'd

got home on the day we went to Chester races I exactly broke even and that included getting hammered all day and a massive Indian

in taxis home and stuff which is basically winning isn't it yeah yeah yeah it was really really good but like it was doing Freddy's heading because he was he had a form book and taxis home and stuff. Which is basically winning, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really, really good. But it was doing Freddie's heading because he had a form book and everything.

He's like, actually, I think you need to go for... Of course you need a form book. Why would you not have a form book? But you were figuring it all out and every race by... You're such an old man. I wish I had a spare pipe

for you right now. But did you win, Fred? No, he didn't. He lost the fairing. No, I won. I won over 200 quid no you didn't yes I did

and I'll tell you exactly what horse turned it around for me it was Sir Dragonay oh yeah you won right at the end you were having a miserable day

for a while no I was on the fourth or fifth race Sir Dragonay won it 10 to 1 and I had 20 or 30 quid on it yeah and that horse I've bet on since and it's a fucking beast

but the yard that the horse is from very rarely put in a horse with like no fucking yeah yeah yeah like if they were putting something in

it means something do you know what I mean Freddy keep talking sexy for the ladies listening tell me about that stable ladies get some kitchen roll you're going to be pretty damn now

I love it though I will bet on fucking anything I will football tennis horse racing boxing

UFC even though I don't really like it I'll bet on fucking anything yeah I'll bet on the UFC tomorrow because I'm watching it

because it's just absolutely interesting you got a tipster have you got a tipster have I got a tipster yeah I'll let you go anywhere for your tips

so there's a really good place that you can go called OLBG. No, no, no. I think you need to try bettinggods.co.uk. Yeah, I think what Freddie would say is bettinggods.com for all your tips. So I know the guy from Betting Gods personally, and he wanted me to do some stuff

where we were going to go to horse racing meets and we were going to go to horse racing meets and we were going to go to football matches and stuff and we were going to do video bets and stuff like that. Fucking COVID. Well, this is exactly it. But I was going to go hay dock with him at the end of... Yeah, they're one of our sponsors now. Very kindly so.

Oh, nice. Three-month sponsorship deal. We didn't quite understand what they were at first but now we've got it worked out well i get all the i get all their emails and um through because the guy signed me up for you know for free anyway for lols that's so funny so because you just did you waste a lot of money when you were young young oh i spunked everything away so when i was at it started when I was at college. Did you go Newman?

Yep. So you'll know the opposite Newman, there was that Ladbrokes. Yeah. I literally spent about 30% of my time at college in that Ladbrokes. And that's a Ladbrokes, not in the middle of Preston, in the middle of Avonham, which is one of the roughest bits of Preston. I'll tell you how much time I spent in bookies. You know the fixed odds betting terminals

where they have roulette and stuff? I could look at the animation and instantly tell you what number it was going to be. There was no point even looking. I'd go, 22, like that, because I'd know the recording from it. I'd recognise the recording. I gambled that much.

Bookies are grim places, aren't they? I don't mind people who bet online and everything, but actually going in the bookies. I prefer going in the bookies than betting online. Boxing day, I've told you this before, that's when I bet more than any other day. Because I go to the pub at like 11 in the morning with my mates from school,

and we just bet on all the footy. Because I enjoy watching footy when it's not Liverpool anyway, but I really enjoy it if I've got a bet on it. So if Leicester are playing Tottenham, and I've got Vardy first goal, 3-1, that keeps me invested in the game. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, totally.

And I don't bet to win, I bet for fun. So I don't care when they lose, because it's such innocuous bets, a couple of quid, three quid, whatever. That's good betting, though, because you were watching it anyway, and you're just using betting to make it more interesting. Yeah, that's all I use it for.

I bet specifically to win. So you bet to bet. Yeah, totally. So the thing is, I've reined it in a lot because I could get myself to the point where I would bet on literally fucking anything. What's the weirdest thing you've bet on? What's the weirdest thing I've bet on literally fucking anything. What's the weirdest thing you've bet on? What's the weirdest thing I've bet on? Let's see.

The weirdest thing I've bet on. Sport-wise? Sport-wise. Have you bet on other things? Have you bet on, like, women's... Oh, yeah, like women's Paraguayan fucking second division. You couldn't think of a sport? Think of a weird sport you'd bet on.

Women's. One of them. One of them fucking bullshit sports. He gave himself a really wide berth with women's because he knew that anything he picked was going to be bullshit. That's the way he worked. Sorry.

Adam, you sexist fucker. That was so funny. Women's. Because you were like, women's because he knew that anything he picked was going to be bullshit. That's the way he worked. Sorry. Adam, you sexist fucker. That was so funny. Women's. And then you started looking around like... Volleyball? I think that's just volleyball, isn't it? Oh, God. Women's paragliding.

Women's paragliding. It's not competitive. Women's, women's, think of us by ironing. No, paragliding. Paragliding. It's not competitive. Women's, women's. Think of us by ironing. No, no, no, no, ironing. It didn't mean ironing. Women's. I would 100% bet on women's paragliding.

What about women's base jumping? Oh, yeah, 100%. Like live or die. Is it? Black or red? Yeah. Oh oh she's disabled does that mean I get an early payout

she broke both her legs on the landing does that mean they pay me out oh cock fighting I bet on cock fighting in Asia we're from the same place

we're from Penwitham in Preston and you're like I bet on cock fighting Catholics do it a little bit differently. We drink the blood of Christ and we bet on cocks. You bet on Asian cockfighting? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you win? No. Right, here's my question. Right. Because you stated, I'm just going to lawyer this up a second. For the record, you stated on the record, like moments ago, that you only bet to win. So what information? For the record, you stated on the record, like moments ago, that you only bear to win.

So what information did you have for to pick a cock? Praising South East Asia like me. Hey, mister, mister. We got great form on this cock. Well, on that account... Which one you want? This one's seven, I didn't this one's seven I know

this one's three I know but got bigger thighs even though I didn't

have any information on it I was still betting to win I wasn't betting to have a lovely time I

was betting so that I could win money that was that was the end goal I mean if you're betting

on cockfighting you're definitely only betting to win aren't you yeah PS if you're at a cockfight

you might as well have a flood yeah I love going cock fights if anything if you don't bet that it's weirder because that means you're just going there to watch i love the sport um did you was this when you were in asia yeah yeah okay so this wasn't on like sky bet no no no i also wanted to i also ray winston hello that cock's got a bit of fucking pluck ain't it i also wanted to i also ray winston hello that cock's got a bit of fucking pluck in it i also wanted to bet on uh like like you can bet on fights over there so you can bet on like you

know they'll do like fucking mma fight and shit like that i also wanted to bet on but i couldn't find one there is a thing where what they will do is they'll do greyhound racing in Asia. It's really popular. But what they do is they have a little monkey. I'm so sure I know the joke in your head. They have a monkey and they sew to the back of the greyhound as like a little pretend jockey. And the monkey doesn't do anything. The monkey's just fucking terrified, but it just looks funny. A real monkey?

Yeah, a real monkey. Check out Google... Google! Greyhound monkey racing. Right, okay. So I wanted to find one of those, but I couldn't. So you went to a cock fight?

You were there? Yeah. And you seen him? Yeah. And you didn't win? No. Was there only two cocks in the fight? Or was it like a Royal Rumble?

What a Royal Rumble! What, they announced someone knew every 30 seconds stone cold steve coxton the cock the cock come on

it's a cock bottom stone cold steve coxton triple cocking racing for peanuts greyhound monkey racing Oh, my God. Triple cocking. Racing for peanuts, greyhound, monkey racing. Where was this, by the way? Thailand.

Thailand. The monkeys themselves are not integral to the race. It just looks funny. Yeah. But they've sewn them into the jacket, so the actual jacket has little arm holes, and they literally just tie them up in there. It's dead funny, because the monkey's like, what is going on here?

Yeah, that's exactly what the monkey's like. This isn't how I saw my day. I've been sewn onto a fucking dog again. It's a weirdly Lancashire monkey in fucking Thailand. Why the fuck Did I come to Phuket Bastard Ah yeah

In Thailand Yep Did you get stared At a lot Not so much in Thailand But loads in Indonesia Particularly Jakarta What

Thailand They've just They've got more Westerners knocking about Well Freddie looks like A lot of their Patrons Who are looking for a wife.

Oh, did I tell you about the time in Bali when someone offered me sex with a child? No. Nope, didn't see that TikTok either. Right, okay, so... Why are all your stories sad? Monkey sewn into jacket. Child prostitution.

I don't want to go teaching no more. So basically, in Thailand you didn't really get stirred at. In Jakarta I definitely did. Because nobody looks remotely like me over there. They're all about half my size. None of them are as broad as I am. None of them have ears. Godzilla!

And none of them have tattoos. Exactly. So they're looking at me, but they're not looking at me out of like, like, they're looking at me the same way you would look at someone who had like a horrific birthmark. Do you know what I mean?

Like, out the corner of your eye, what the fuck is that type thing? We just weirdly, we talked about it last week on the pod. My mate Sean was in Korea and people would just come up to him and take a

picture and go brad pitt you're like brad pitt really and it just because they'd seen so few tall i don't think that happened to him oh jonah hill money ball just weird indonesian kids just getting on your knee Moneyball! Just weird. Indonesian kids just getting on your knee. Oh, Brad Pitt! What went wrong?

Little fucking street vendors coming home to their wives. I was work today. I served Henry VIII. I saw Santa. So anyway, right, I was in Bali. And the thing is, Bali's such an amazing place, by the way. But I was in Bali. And what would with Bali is such an amazing place by the way uh but I I was in Bali and what would happen is a lot of people a lot of times would ask me whether or not I wanted a prostitute so people would come up to me and go oh you want lady yeah oh yes you do you want lady

and I would go no because I'd know and they would go oh like that and some of them would go you uh I know you want you want you want child like that and they'd do that and I'd go

no and they'd look at me like you do do you know like like they'd look at me

as if to say well if you're not keen then the market's gone on it do you know what I mean this guy not a leader we might as well just we might as well just let him go now, quite frankly, because if this guy isn't fucking interested... I would love it. Imagine the conversation with his mates, like, he's not a pedo. I would love it if he just kept

guessing what you wanted to fuck. You want otter? Smaller, smaller. You want kimono dragon? Kimono. Did you just call that a kimono dragon? A kimono dragon? You fucking idiot. A kimono dragon?

A dragon in a silky little dressing gown? She fucking wants it, that one. That dragon's a right slut. Oh, that's so funny. I love how you went from otter to kimono dragon. Kimono dragon! They're fucking big, them. You wouldn't fuck them.

A kimono dragon? Yeah, you would not fuck a kimono dragon. No chance. What's the biggest thing? You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't fuck a kimono dragon.

That should be the advert. Even if she wants it. So I've had many conversations about if you had to fuck what animal, what animal you'd fuck, right? So my feeling is that it has to be size is important because you don't want it to be too big and you don't want it to be too small because you'd literally rip it apart with your dick.

So it has to be a certain size. So I think it has to be... Lower, lower, lower. I've literally got a gerbil looking at me going, I can take it, big boy. You ain't ripping shit. I've got field mouse going, get me a bit of lube.

I think it has to be, it has to be size-wise between a dog and a cat, but it can't be a dog or a cat, because you don't want it to be, like every time you see a dog, you don't want to be like, oh, I fucked a dog, haven't I? What if you're thinking goat size

yeah so I thought sloth was my animal have you seen how scary they are oh no do you know how scary that animal is

a sloth yeah they're dead slow though I don't think people understand how fucking terrifying sloths are cute they're not

they are they've got claws about this long and they crawl on the floor once a week. They're not. Dead slowly though. Do that face into the camera.

Honestly. Freddie would be finished for an hour and a half before the sloth even said no. Google sloth. Now if you're watching. In my fantasy, what I'd do is

I'd have the sloth gripping onto my forearm like a branch and then I'd just sort of like pump myself onto it, and that'd be done. Wow. Wow.

I think you want to go really big and lazy. What, like an elephant? Yeah. You actually never forget, do they? Yeah, but they wouldn't even feel your dick. No, but think of the danger involved in fucking an elephant. Think of the danger involved. Imagine right now.

We are literally doing the Patreon bit that we did on Monday, though, aren't we? Yeah. Everyone that listens to the Patreon is going, guys, you've literally did this bit on Monday. Yeah, fucking buffalo. Oh, my God. How bad is your memory? We did this on Monday.

Dan, you used to have a bit about her we used to we did the the bestiality bit like there's a certain size where you should just be like fair fucks like if you're

it shouldn't count as a crime anymore if you wanna fuck a rhino there should be no laws against it because if you're stupid enough to try and you get away with it then fair fucks to you yeah I think you can't rape a rhino

if you're fucking a rhino it wanted it. I think the same about, like, you know, like, old women that give their money away and shit like that. Like, I think, like, if you're stupid enough to lose your money, then that's just, like, you've just got to fucking lose your money. Freddie, how did you... Did you just equate shagging a rhino to robbing a pensioner?

I might have, yeah. One for one on the analogies today. That's one for Adam, one for Fred. How on earth did we get to that from where we were in that question? Washing hair twice a week let me tell you about Jakarta I've seen that couple who've lost 775 grand and they're not

getting it back from the bank so Barclays have taken them to court because they were like Barclays you should safeguard us we gave our money someone rang them from Saudi Arabia going your account has been hacked and it's really bad so what you're going to need to do is put how much have you got in there 700 grand you need to

put 250 grand in this account because and they were thick enough to keep going they even went into barclays and answered all the safeguarding questions and And the last one, where they transferred 350 grand, the guy in Saudi Arabia was on a fucking speakerphone listening to what was going on. And they still were like, yeah, we did it. And Barclays have gone, I'm sorry. If we give you all the checkpoints to do not do these things and we're asking you the questions

and you're thick enough to let someone manipulate you that much, it's your fault. There's only so many safeguards they can put in and they're like but we didn't know i think i think the the uh exception is people who are not sound of mind then i think it's harsh 60 odd but yeah but the ones who are just thick and naive and think they know better i genuinely think that most fraud is like if you can get away with it then fucking fair fucks to you this is a different one this is a young couple who got done in a cyber scam but oh sorry it's it's very similar though but this one um they received an email from a they only noticed it was fake when they noticed the email was dot corn not dot corn because they are an make a com yeah yeah by the way

I think there's a special place in hell I don't believe in but for people who rip off pensioners of their savings it's happening so much by like scamming them about roofing stuff

like oh yeah that's bullshit I honestly think there should be I think they should be forced to try and fuck a rhino depends though like if that old woman's

got no family then what does she need that money for fucking hell no just give it to her it's just all he's done is gone It depends, though. If that old woman's got no family, then what does she need that money for? Fuck it. No. Just give it to her. All he's done is gone. Dan's gone one way, I'll go this way.

No, but do you know what I mean? If she's got no children or grandchildren, just pass that on too. She's going to die anyway. She's going to end up leaving it to the cat's home. Cats don't need it. I could use that to have a fucking good night. How would you scam an old person?

How would I scam an old person? How would I scam an old person? Hey, give us all your money, I'll double it. How? How will you double it? How will you double my money? I've got a system at the Stock Exchange. Okay, well, I am retired now, but I spent 25 years at the Stock Exchange. I'm really interested in these systems, though. Please explain. Do you know anyone old who didn't do that job? Do you know anyone old who didn't do that job?

And where do they live? Shall we do a have a word? Shall we fix someone's problem? Do a have a word. I feel like we've tried to get some have a words out recently and not been doing a good job. Have a word from Anonymous. All right, Darren and Adrian Urgent. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. I thought someone was calling me Adrian Urgent. All right, Darren and Adrian Urgent one here. I'd like you to have a word with me. Been at uni now since September and have managed to catch feelings for a roommate. For context, she's a straight 10, and I'm a 6.5 on a good day.

Why did you shake your head there? I can't start with this story. You shook your head like, silly boy. I'm saying it's just a bad place to be in, isn't it? Can we just finish it before we start passing judgment? I feel like six and a half out of 10 can't fully comprehend what a 10 is. Yeah.

Oh, no, she's a 7.8 with oh yeah yeah he thinks he thinks that she's a 10 because he's a six and a half but an actual 10 you you can only be a at least an 8.5 to properly and correctly classify a 10 and ps anyone who calls himself for 6.5 is probably a 4. Because... What, a 6.5 is like, I don't look great, but I'm short and fine and my mum told me

I was attractive. Like, don't get me wrong. Once you bring in the decimal system, like, that's when you're getting ropey, innit? I get it. What it is already is

he's put her on a pedestal as this 10 out of 10, but actually, she probably won't be. And she'll probably... But she's just well more attractive than him. I think he's saying, I am okay, but she is hot.

So somehow, do you want to know a full story? Somehow we've been shagging a fair bit, but it's nothing more than sex. But obviously I need to get over it. Any advice, as I know you were dirty slags back in the day? Yeah, we're all changed now. First of all, before we answer the question, I just want to know,

what do you think you are on a scale from one to ten? Oh, my God. What do I think I am? You have to classify yourself. He's a 6.5, according to him. What would you give yourself? Are we all on the same scale? Yeah.

You're saying Margot Robbie's the same ten as the lady outside? Yeah. So people outside are like fours then? Can I be on a seniors tour? You know, like, there's golf for young men, and then there's the seniors tour where it's like, listen, he's had both his hips replaced, but he can still drive off from the fucking team.

No, but that's part of the... That's taken into context, innit? Like, George Clooney is on the scale of nine. Isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Even though he's old. So that means we can't be more than fives then?

Why? No, no, no, no, no. You've just, it's objective, isn't it? You're a good looking lad. You've got youth on George. He's old. You know, you're younger. Why am I trying to...

You've got fresh meat. Your hair looks good on the third or fourth Instagram story. Call back. What would you think you are? I'd probably say, in terms of looks, maybe a three and a half. You can't have a personality measure. So, in terms of looks, what would be other...

Well, what I do to make up for that is I'm quite good at manipulating women. So, what I will do is sort of like... I didn't expect it! I will... I will take and find... I will take and find a six, and through actions and words, I will make that six think that she's a four.

You horrible cunt. What? Every... Hey, he's not horrible. He's resourceful. Exactly. Every predator has to fucking be able to catch. You horrible cunt. What? Every, every... Hey, he's not horrible. He's resourceful. Exactly. Every predator has to fucking be able to catch. Why would you call yourself in the modern climate that we live in,

in 2021, with Twitter working with you on it, would you be like, as a predator? As a predator. I mean more like in terms of from an animal perspective. I realise I've probably just cancelled myself, haven't I? The thing is about gaslighting, as a predator, I mean, yeah, it's unethical,

but I'm fucking good at it. That isn't even the worst thing that's been said on this episode, never mind in general. Okay, so if Fred's a three, I don't worry you. I think I'm like 8.2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's been pretty fair there, hasn't he? You said George Clooney was a nine.

Yeah, well, exactly. 0.8. Yeah. 0.8 off. What's Dan then? 0.8 for his money. So if Fred's a three, you're at 8.2. What's Dan?

Right, right now, I'm probably in and around 3.5 I've had a bad one what do you think you are 2004 though I was pushing late 7s early 8s beautiful

beautiful man child like Mowgli you obsessed with Mowgli yeah you chag Mowgli I'd love to be look like Mowgli little fucking Indian hipster.

What? It's like when he knew Mother Teresa. What is this person's problem? Freddie's getting the part back on track. Because from what I read, he is a six and a half, and he's shagging a ten. And that was the end of the email. Has he? He wants help. and a half and he's shagging a 10 and that was the end of the email have a word with me i am fucking a really i don't understand why he's upset it seems like everything's working out really well for him is he angry that he's paying online lessons. I don't... So I know a comedian who used to act as like a bit of a pickup artist.

You know, he read like that book, The Game. Oh, yeah. Being largely sort of... Oh, yeah. Which was directly quoted from about three minutes ago. But like, it's about sort of like men who are sort of conventionally unattractive trying to pick up women who are out of their league,

and, like, a lot of them got very good at it, apparently, and could do it. Yeah, it was seedy, and it was negative affirmation. It's not a healthy way of going around meeting women, is it? No. Totally. I do quite well, or at least I used to do quite well, considering that I'm not blessed with looks. That is a damning thing for your girlfriend to hear, isn't it?

If she ever watches this, I do quite well. Well, I used to. I retired, basically. Yeah, put it in a disabled one to quote your last one. No, I used to do a lot better than what I should do in terms of, you know, I don't think I was ever, I don't think I ever went through

that much of a dry spell because I think that I'm quite good at flirting and I am quite good at like... Would you please just flirt with me a bit now just so I can see what it's like? Well, no, because I don't have sex with you. So it's... Actually, no, I would.

I'd fuck you. Right. Because I know that you'd hate it more than I would. Like Tyson. Tyson fucks people. He doesn't need to annoy them. Remember that video? I'll fuck you till you love me.

I really didn't expect Freddie Quinn to say that today. And just no laughter from anyone. I'd fuck you. And I honestly, the temptation to just press stop on the record, to let that be the end of the pod it'd be like the end of the soprano season so whenever like what are you doing have you seen episode 104 have a word as a cliffhanger um so what i was trying to say was that the person i know used to like act as a pickup artist and he's very remorseful for it now and he thinks it's

disgusting and whatever um he said that when this was happening because what you're artist and he's very remorseful for it now and he thinks it's disgusting and whatever he said that when this was happening because what you're saying is he's six and a half just fucking take the fact he's shagging a ten the person I'm talking about is probably about

a five or a six and he said he was regularly shagging tens because there's pickup artists she works especially on attractive women who are used to always getting a lot of attention

and whatever and he found it really really horrible because it was like he tricked them into sort of sleeping with him and then the next day when they woke up they were like how the fuck because it wears off immediately and even though you're having sex with very attractive women as this guy is it's not enough because you want something more and that's what he's saying yeah because you've used you've used almost inhumane like mind trickery to have a hot... It's a bit like

wearing a hat. Honestly, what do I think I am in a hat? On a good day... One for one for one. No, but I'm genuinely like, with a hat, I could pass as a 6.5, knocking on a 7.

As soon as I take the hat off, girls are like, oh, God, that looks like my granddad used to look like. Like, it is... That's a mental version of the same thing, is it's trickery. Let me say, this guy, I think what the problem is, is that he sort of thinks that he's getting something out of it. So she's getting just as much out of it as he is,

because if you've ever, as I'm sure we all have, have you ever fucked somebody who's just so beneath you that you don't give a fuck about them? It's great! Like... Tell me more about your particular story Freddie.

Who did the man sell you in particular to that time? So I used to... Oh, you want a starfish? You don't want child or woman, you have starfish. Put it on your dick. Like a vajazo for your dick. I used to have a thing about this,

about how you can never fuck somebody that you love the way you want to fuck them. Because you'd never do that to somebody that you loved. So if you have somebody that you just... You can't piss on the mother of your children. Exactly. So, but if you have somebody who's this grotty little fucking six and a half

of I think you're beautiful, then you just fucking ride that dick however you want to fucking ride it. She's getting just as much out of this as he is. Yeah, but the point is, they're getting just as much out of it, they're both getting sex out of it. But he's fell in love with her, hasn't he?

Or he's falling in love with her. He is worried about... Because he can't believe his own luck. No, but he's also... I don't think he's about... He knows what's coming. He's peaked. He can't enjoy the peak.

He knows. Because he's looking at the fucking downhill that's coming after him. Exactly. He knows. A 6.5 self-admitted. So what he's doing right now is he's on top of a mountain, and he's not fucking just admiring the view. He's looking and going,

I've got to go all the way back down again. Just admire the fucking view, mate. If this is your peak, then this is your peak. Most people never get to fuck a 10. So just you having your cock and balls in somebody who's better looking than you by a lot is a reward. And it doesn't matter if it happens once more or for another 12 months. Just enjoy what's happening.

Do you put your balls in as well? I realised that I said that, cock and balls. I fold it all in, mate. Oh, God. I want everything inside me. Cock, balls, your left arm and one ear. Get frisky. He doesn't want to die on the peak. What, sorry?

We're doing that analogy. He doesn't want to come back down. He doesn't want to come back down. But if she's a 10... He doesn't want to die on the peak. No. He'd love to have a arse tap out of his palm. He's scared of catching feelings, isn't he? He's worried that she's going to go, yeah, obviously this is the end because look at me and look at you. And then he's going to be

in a state. So you're saying ride it out and just take your medicine at the end because look at me and look at you and then he's going to be in a state so you're saying ride it out and just take your medicine at the end of it i've heard a hundred percent enjoy what you've got he can't enjoy what he's got right now because he's thinking about what will happen later on he's thinking oh what if i never get to have somebody as good as this ever again what if nobody else what if this is the best that just fucking let it be what it is do you know what i mean yes freddie why is he i don't get why people over complicate shit like this he's been hurt before and he's worried about what's coming oh what a fanny yeah how are you with breakups i've never really hit the like i can't do it but i'm i think's obviously quite a self-aware. I've had a couple of bad breakups.

I've had some that I expected to be bad. And then, like, literally two days later, I'm like, this is wonderful. Do you know what I mean? Like, I remember being with somebody for about 18 months. And she was like, come and watch me. It was like a Sunday morning, 9 a.m. She was like, come down to Southport and watch me run for Race for Life.

I'm raising money for my fucking nana or whatever. I was like, alright then, okay. And I just fucking didn't. Because I can't be arsed getting up at, you know, nine o'clock in the morning to watch somebody wear a pink t-shirt and run around a fucking field. That's a special type of lazy that isn't it and you can't be bothered

to go and watch someone go yeah exactly it was literally exactly that and then we she finished the race and we broke up

over the phone I remember thinking I've been literally with her for 18 months and I remember thinking I don't care at all yeah

like I thought I'd care more than this. It probably took her months. Like, that whole day was ruined. She's crying into a medal. Like, ahhh! And you're like, do you know what? Actually, I'm glad I stayed in bed.

Here's a fun fact. When I got with her, she was thin, and then my lifestyle rubbed off on her so badly that she put about two and a half stone on. Oh, yeah. And then she ended up getting a personal trainer to get the flab off and then ended up getting with him and is now married to him.

So you're welcome. You helped her find love. Exactly. And he goes to all her races. Well dodged. Can we do one more of these can we do one more that was so good Adam

Adam Smith nope from Joe alright lads can you please have a word with my Christian mate who's constantly falling in love with random women but won't do anything about it because of his faith. I've tried to tell him it's all bollocks,

but he won't listen. Cheers, lads. Love the pod. See, I know what that is already as well. It's not because of his faith. It's because he's a pussy. He's using Christianity as a front for the fact that he's a bit nervous around the girls.

That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah, and it's... How Christian is he? Maybe he's nervous around the girls because of his faith, do you know what I mean? Maybe that's his entire personality. Have you ever spoke to a Christian?

Like, all they talk about is fucking the bread and that, and it's so annoying. The bread? The bread and that. The little fucking cracker that they give you with the fucking ribena

the little cracker and the ribena you know what I mean I was like oh communion yeah and you got in that catholic school

did you what did your dad have to do in that cupboard but like I think I reckon what happens is he's got friends

and he starts talking to them and they're just like, ugh, this again. Yeah, we get it. He fed loads of people with a fucking one meal deal. Well done. Why are you telling us again?

Where's the news stories and that? Do you know what I mean? And he knows he's dull as fuck so he won't go near these women. No, I think he's just using it as a mask because he's afraid. Because he's a... Yeah, what...

Is he... It's pretty strict Christianity that doesn't let you go anywhere near girls. I think that's priesthood, isn't it? Yeah. No, I know. Born-again Christians are super strict. Mormons?

Is it Mormons? Meh. Did I ever tell you about the... Are Mormons Christians? They are like... Are they a form of Christianity? Pretty sure. It's a really, like, off the fucking main...

No, they've just got a third book, haven't they? Yeah, so... They've got the trilogy. So Mormon is Joseph Smith, and he finds some fucking plates in the desert. He finds some gold plates in the desert, right? And an angel comes to him and says look man you've got to fucking transcribe these plates right yeah so he gets a mate who's

like his rich mate and he says look rich mate i've got some fucking gold plates uh and i need to transcribe them an angel's given me to them and they're in this fucking box here they've got to be dark because i'm using this fucking seer stone thing to you know to transcribe them so i'm going to read it out and you're going to write it down and his fucking gullible rich mate is like okay and so he literally reads out this whole fucking you know third testament if you like yeah and then the guy's writing it down oh my god this is amazing i can't leave an angel spoken to you and then he gives it to his wife and then his wife's like this sounds like bullshit so his wife takes it and hides it and she says right okay well we'll know if he's telling the truth you say that you lost the papers and then get him to transcribe them again and if it's

exactly the same he's telling the truth and if it's different then he's not telling the truth fucking sorted so he told him what happened he He said, I've lost that transcription. Joseph Smith was super, super pissed off, went away to go and pray. And he came back a couple of days later and was like, you'll never guess what. The angel has given me some different plates. And we're going to transcribe them again. And it's going to be the same sort of story, but it might be a little bit different here and there.

And the religion is literally started off from that yeah and then they got hounded round the country didn't they until they got to

Utah or Salt Lake City Salt Lake City yeah is the Mecca but they got hounded out of every town as they went

yeah yeah everyone hated them but they are Christian yeah but who's laughing now they've got a hit Broadway musical yeah which is theirs they backed it and that's basically an advert for their church Everyone hated them. But they are Christian. Yeah. But who's laughing now? They've got a hit Broadway musical.

Yeah, which is theirs. They backed it. And that's basically an advert for their church. Do you know they actually put an advert in the programme? It said something like, if you want to hear more about being a Mormon, please visit our website. Yeah.

When we went, there was Mormons outside handing out fucking... I nearly took one and just went, oh, I'm not doing it. It's actually quite pro- that towards the end isn't it for anyone who hasn't seen it sorry you can turn off if you don't want any spoilers it's definitely not pro Mormonism I don't know about that

it's pro the idea of religion do you know what I mean it's a piss take on religion for the entire thing and then towards the end it's like but you can understand why people need it yeah but it's not pro Mormon on religion for the entire thing and then towards the end it's like boy you can understand why people need it yeah but it's not pro-Mormonism like it rips the

Mormon church a new one doesn't it don't get me wrong I think that everybody who believes in a God I think is mentally ill to an extent genuinely I think that if you believe there is somebody that looks down on you from heaven I think you need your fucking head checking but the attitudes and the virtues

that you get from being a religious person, the certain attributes that it gives you and the way that you are meant to conduct your life is fantastic. Oh, mate, everyone of faith that I know is a good person, a good and kind person. So if you want to believe that there's some fucking dude in the sky

that you've got to not piss off, if that ends up making you a good person then who gives a fuck? What I would say about Joe and his Christian mate is watch this kid go off the rails eventually when his balls are so blue through his faith and his lack of any conquest that he's

literally into the worst type of nasty porn by the time he's 26 Are Mormons allowed to have a spaff? I don't know, He's not a Mormon. Jehovah's Witnesses definitely aren't. They're not? Well, Jehovah's Witnesses have a buddy. So, when they are doing their mission, they have a buddy

That's Mormons as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. No, it's Jehovah's Witness. And Mormons. And Mormon too. They go in twos, yeah. They have a buddy that they follow, like, everywhere with them and stuff, and they have them haven't for like two years yeah when when Mormon's gone

it's in the book of Mormon the thing yeah what are you nodding for the top article is how I learned to masturbate as a Mormon

a blog right good just nod well I imagine then that they're not allowed to otherwise that wouldn't

be an article would it like no one's doing it how I learned to have a wife as a Christian joking aside this lad will go fucking mental like it won't just be like oh I can't do anything that shit builds up

if you ignore I said this is how terrorists are born if you ignore the horn all of the way through 17, 18, 19, 20 you're going to end up that is too much you have to embrace it

but I just think he's afraid of talking to women I think he's afraid of talking to women and he's got this little Christian thing that he uses to go oh well it's not that I'm afraid because what sounds more pathetic I'm afraid of talking to women or my religion do you know what I mean?, I'm afraid of talking to women,

or my religion. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, I get it. Also, kids of religion, you can date girls from your religion. Did I ever tell you? You're not going to get anywhere, but just go and flirt with other Christian girls. I tried to date a very religious girl once.

She was very Christian. I met her in college, and she was deaf in one ear. And I took her to... See, this is the thing. She was much more attractive than me, but because she was deaf in one ear, I was like, that's an in. So, I get it.

Don't you dare scold them. No, it's just funny. I think someone gave me a compliment. Do you know what that's like? It's your hearing love. Do you know what that's like? It goes in think someone gave me a compliment. Do you know what that's like? It's your hearing love. Do you know what that's like? It goes in one ear and not the other. Do you know what that's like?

Do you know when you've only got a quid or only a little bit of money and you go to Asda and the extra special cakes are normally out of your price range but then they've whacked a yellow sticker on it because someone's dropped the box. Yes, it's the same thing.

Yes, yes. She might as well have had a giant yellow sticker for a fucking hearing aid that said that said reduced on the side of it that's all i saw this freddie look for in women a whoop sticker anyway right she um she was like she was like do you want to come to church with, and it was the day after Halloween, and I went to church, hung over to fuck, and I still had some green paint on my neck. What's that? Face paint.

Oh. And I sat through mass, and I was like, do you know what? This isn't fucking worth it. And then that was the end of that. But why did you tell us she was deaf? What, sorry? I thought that was. And then that was the end of that. But why did you tell us she was deaf? What, sorry? I thought that was going to be part of the story.

Oh, no, it was just a fact. Just a fact that she was deaf in one ear. I'm deaf. I just remembered that about her. I'm deaf. I'm deaf. Our podcast has been done. Oh, Freddie.

Three hours in it. Freddie, that point when you said about manipulating women will stay with me for quite a while. Probably stay with me for a while as well, won't it? I think it might stay for a while when we retweet it. Oh, it's been a pleasure. Thanks very much. What do you want to plug?

You're on TikTok. You're nailing TikTok. Yeah. Follow us on YouTube. YouTube.com forward slash Freddie Quinn comedy. F-R-E-D-D-Y-Q-U-I-N-N-E. If you want to do... That was the whitest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

F-R-E-D-D-Y. Still. Q-U-I-N-N-E. Or you can find me on TikTok at Freddie Quinn. Feed. My stand-up special Club Comic is closing in on 100,000 views on YouTube, and I would like you to get it there because it'll feel like a nice milestone. Search Adam Rowe Club Comic for us, if you don't mind. If you've seen it before, just go and watch it for 30 seconds

and get me views up. That'd be great. Give it a watch. Lockdown Lock-In went out on friday and it was a fucking hit everyone went crazy about it the reaction was fantastic people are saying i mean it hasn't actually been released yet and we've not seen the reaction but we're expecting we assume i just pressed the button on the thing are you doing uh regular lockdown lock-ins? We are going to do at least another one. Would you like to be one of the guests? I was thinking, obviously, the last time that I came on here,

there was a lot of people saying that I definitely beat Blair at the drinking. Paul Blair. So if you haven't listened to the first episode that Freddie Quinn was a guest on, he had a drinking competition with the owner of Hot Wheels Comedy Club mr paul blair uh on a stag do in berlin and there was a bit of a debate on who won the drinking competition uh if you haven't seen it yet go and check that episode i know what you're thinking but but i think it might have to be out of a lockdown yes we can't have you two sat on that couch like i'm into it I think it'd be great to do it

let's do it out of a lockdown then we'll have to need some alliteration don't we can't call it a lockdown lock it after

post pandemic piss up that was quick that was good like it Gerard erm yeah have a word

patreon.com slash have a word pod it feels very weird when you've lowered your own seat. Could I have really enjoyed my... Well done, boys. The news today was very good. Everyone is doing really well. Yeah, the lockdown locking, for those who don't know,

is an episode where we get absolutely fucking hammered and we put it behind the paywall on patreon.com slash have a word pod because it's not for public consumption. You can get it right now. Get merch at have a word pod.com. That's the end of the episode. He's Freddie Quinn. He's Dan Nightingale. I'm Adam Rowe.

Bye Felicia. Bye Felicia.