Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #105 with Danny Mcloughlin - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

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You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. at patreon.com slash have a word pod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dunn. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn.

Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. episode 105 big number that isn't it nice round number

banging out some fucking stats here, kid Go on, bang some out Well, we've been doing it for just over a year 150 recorded episodes Few bonuses Quite a lot of patrons 105 public episodes Averaging out between 2 and 3 hours

That's a fuckton of absolute nonsense over to you adam yes uh we have accumulated over 17 views now uh but you know we're just building we're building and but to be honest we are like most podcasts in the country how how are we like most podcasts in the country i was just doing the 17 views banter. Oh, you're saying everyone else is only getting 17 views because they're all four-cut shit? Weirdly defensive, like, what? And I was like, I was slagging off everyone else. Yes.

Every other motherfucker. How are you? How's your life? How's your pregnant wife? How's my life? I'm a power, and I did know her from year four, mate. She's good, man. She is, she's, she's good man she is she's

she's you know beautiful she big bone she heavy structured she hung deep yeah she pull her shit out

the whole room get dark yeah and she farts like a fucking rhino yeah oh amazing

yeah and you can't do anything. It's pregnancy hormones and she's making babies. She's growing my son so she can just smell how she wants to smell. And I love that woman,

but she don't fucking stink the house out. She pooing, yeah? Oh. She sat this, I said this the other day and she wasn't happy about it. She farted and it reminded me of a fart

that my dad did on holiday in about 1992 when I think my dad was hungover. It had that like, you know when you're like, oh my God, that's a fucking dad fart. That's how pregnant she is. She's doing hungover dad farts. And I love her and she's beautiful. And I'm so proud of her.

Do you have an index of farts? You what? Do you have an index of farts you know how the memory uh is evoked by certain scents and smells they're not the ones you want i'm just trying to force a part out okay good good imagine if that was the reason you had an aneurysm and it would be so fitting that oh my god if you heard adam's dead he had an aneurysm on his podcast why because no don't do it don't die don't die what one i don't want to smell it two i'm financially tied to you if you die and it'd be the most weird viral video ever because everyone would be like oh my god adam rose dad and they'd have to watch 30 seconds of me talking about my wife and my dad

having similar farts. And then you just go, oh! Right, guys, we're going to have to cut it short. And then you just be dribbling like, no! Keep it going! Have you thought about how you want to die? How do I want to die?

How do I want to die? Yeah, if you could pick now. Right. You don't get told when. How I go. Right? Because then I think that's the worst thing in the world, knowing when you're going to die.

Because you'll be waking up that day like, fuck, it's today. So you don't know when. I can't put a when on it. No. I can just put circumstance. So, you know, yeah. Hit by a blimp. You know? Yeah, but you just make a dead skateboard in accident.

You've literally gone to hit by a blimp so many times who the fuck since the Hindenburg has been hit by a blimp I think I've got it from somewhere I think it's on the Simpsons I think so I just want to go somewhere that isn't me wanking

right but do you want like a long drawn out illness you know I like you know I put up stats in that department as well wanking. Right, but do you want like a long drawn out illness? A long drawn out wank? You know I put up stats in that department as well, boy. Do you want like a sudden, ow! Ow, every stubbed your toe and died. Do you want

a long drawn out? No. Do you not? No. But you're dying, don't you want to make everyone else in your life suffer? Why, you're so evil under it all. You're so evil. you're dying, don't you want to make everyone else in your life suffer? Why? You're so evil under it all. You're so evil. I'm dying.

You should feel fucking awful. I want to see other people feel sad. Yeah. If I just go, bang, bust, blimp, bang, I don't get to see everyone moan. Exactly. You want everyone to be like, I miss you so much. No, you are, lads. Just think about, you know, like, do about, do you know all the people who've...

Can't get his bullshit out. It's phenomenal. You know he's on form when he can't get his own bullshit out. Do you know all the people who've wronged you? Yeah. They're not going to come and see you on your deathbed though, are they?

But they might. This is the thing. Every argument you've ever had, you can win with a long drawn out illness. do you know what i mean because they feel guilty they come and say yeah no it was all my fault and you're like oh i forgive you so you get to be the bigger person you are in arguments at the same time it's the dream you're hosting a year long say you get dick cancer you get cancer of your dick because it's too big and it's got its own gravity this is a problem I won't have

you know but your dick is so big that's a known fact welcome if you've never watched the podcast before and you're thinking is it all about Adam's dick it's

about 10% Adam's dick it used to be bigger it used to be bigger it was medically reduced because it was frightening other children at PE it wasn't shut up Carl

it's way funnier that he thinks he had a medical dick reduction when he was eight. He does think he. He believes it. I know, but he's gone, hasn't he? So you've got dick cancer, you know. You've got a tumour of the bell.

Yeah. The bell. Bell's better. The bell. Yeah. Tumour of the bell. You've got... Yeah.

You've got... Drawing it out. A year. You've got a year to live. Right? And in that year, you're just doing a meet and greet with everyone you've never liked.

What a fucking brutal year that is. Like you're on all the fucking chemo. Bring in the cunt. Yeah. Sean Collins comes in. Listen, Adam. Let's clear it up and you're like you fucking rat

I've got cancer to the dick everyone in York or do you go to York or do you just bring the whole population of York it's really not that bad

in York I don't hate the people in York I just think they're humorless cunts who should stay away from comedy yeah well you'll be

booked in on Adam's deathbed tour. He'll be playing the Barbican in York. Roll me out, you butcher fucking Northern Tardy! Do you not see the

logic, though? Everyone who's ever wronged you comes in and everyone who's ever liked you turns up as well and they bring you presents, they bring you

Haribo, they talk to you you know you die at the end play with your play with your dick you die at the end of it but the game is how do you want to die? you've got to die someday, you're not going to live forever sorry to break that to you

I'm 40 in like two months, it's happening I know it's coming, I just don't want to die with my dick in my hand and lesbian bukkake on the laptop how does lesbian bukkake work? oh grow up Carl like you've never been to Japan next question

yeah so I know commonly podcasting that I'm trying to ha ha ha very very funny but why do you keep doing that tagline

I I wanna know make good time in blimp death ha ha very funny podcast in rank one I genuinely

interested in how you die if you could choose it I mean I like honestly either I'm genuinely interested in how you'd die if you could choose it. I mean, like, honestly, either long drawn out illness for me or very, very public murder. Very public murder? Because content is king? That's, honestly, you're such a committed...

I just, like... Imagine the likes on Instagram if you get shot in the head in the St John's shopping centre. Yeah, I just think, like, you know, but, like like live on telly or something you know like the new year's eve countdown at times square and i'm the one pressing the drop the ball thing right and then someone just takes me out i love it how in your death fantasy you're way more famous than you actually are like everyone else is like oh i just don't want to you know my family's seeing porn and i'm like i'll be doing the countdown i'll be famous in america like the biggest tv event in america apart from the super

bowl which i'll already be done in my death fantasy oh imagine i was singing the american national anthem at the super bowl that's better you've changed my mind my yeah god in the land of the free You get shot You will get shot by someone And the hope Of the brave It's how he wanted to go Keep the game going It's what he wanted

Public may have long drawn out illness That affects other people more than it affects me. What are the bad ways to go? My absolute worst, shark attack. Yeah, that's big. Can't go in. I hate water because of it. I go with hover boat crash.

Hover boat crash. What's the thing? Hover boat, is it? Hovercraft. Because no one's ever crashed one of them and died and I'd be the only one. Yeah, that's unique, don't you? Hoverboard? Hoverboards. What is it? What's the thing? Hoverboat, is it? Hovercraft. Has no one ever crashed one of them and died? Then I'd be the only one. Yeah.

Well, that's unique, don't it? You don't want to get killed by a shark? No. I think... Or an octopus. They're even worse. Drowning in a bath during a house fire. I don't reckon there's many worse ways to go than that. What?

Like, drowning and off. And you're being stabbed. With an octopus in the bath. I keep making it worse. With an octopus and a sex pest wanking into your face. And he's like, I'm burning, but I love to wank. And you're trying to hide from the octopus and his jizz. Yeah.

I can keep making it worse. And you've got a paper cut. I can keep making it worse. I've actually got a really sore finger at the minute. Why are you in the bath? Do you want a house fire? You can't choose when your house goes on fire. No, but you can choose to get out the bath.

What a fucking spanner you'd have to be to... The house is on fire! Quickly! Save yourself by getting in water! It's the safest place! If there's a fire in the house, run a bath, draw a bath, and then get in it.

Because water beats fire. He'd do that. Yeah. He turns on a soft song and someone's playing on his own. It's a great way to get fucking poached. The water's getting hotter. Poached. I poached an egg for the first time the other day.

Fuck me. I poached an egg for the first time the other day Fuck me How have we gone from his dying corpse Being poached in a house fire Where he's in the bath too Yeah I've poached an egg recently Well it's very easy Poached an egg for the first time

Absolutely smashed it Gordon Ramsay can come to ours I'll make him a poached egg Yeah probably not worth the visit then for him is it oh boy Gordon Ramsey's shit snacks make a piece of sauce you can't that's very Winston

yeah lad yeah I can't do Gordon Ramsey I can't do any impressions apart from fucking Mother Teresa and I will whip her down Adam Gordon cutting fucking beer he's saying good old right Apart from fucking Mother Teresa, and I will whip her down. Adam, Gordon couldn't fucking be here.

He's saying good old right. Gordon, are you Danny Dyer? Shut up, you fucking mug. Are you every darts player pre-1995? Fuck off, you naughty little cunt. If you knew anything about Gordon Ramsay, you'd know. He makes everyone poach him an egg. Oh, does he?

Yeah, because apparently it's hard to do. I smashed it, though. Yeah, yeah, of course you did. I did. It was all yolky. Yeah? Yeah, but it was all cooked as well. You do a little whale pill, don't you?

And that, like, makes it, like, all... Anyone else think we're talking about eggs? At least... Anyone else think we're talking about eggs? And I just feel like I know it's earlier than we wanted to do it. Right, okay. So as you all know, as our regular listeners know, we get a lot of emails on this podcast. And very, very rarely do I read them because I like being surprised in the room

so normally either carl will prep the episode or dan will prep the episode and they've read through the emails and picked the favorite one the other day i was at a starbucks drive through waiting for my coffee um and this email come through so i had nothing else to do so i thought i'll read that so i've already heard this one. Dan's already heard it. Carl's already... Finn hasn't heard it yet. None of you have heard it.

We asked for... We basically... We've been doing have a words, which is, can you have a word with someone that's pissing me off or whatever? And we've done a ton of would you rathers. And we love answering your questions. But there's a little lane that's sort of developed naturally

that I'm really enjoying, which is the Adam's agony ant. Because he gives such good stroke fucking dreadful advice, and it's very entertaining. I also like the idea that you had, Carl, about getting back the domestic disputes. I used to love that when I was a listener. I used to love them.

Totally forgot that we did that in the first lockdown. Do you want a drink? I do want a drink, yeah. I can tell you, like a baby. Could you get us some sort of drink? I don't think there's anything but beer, but I'll actually have a beer if there's nothing else. Lads, lads, lads!

This is why he gives such great advice. He gets pissed at work. I'll have a beer, please, man. Are you really? I just need a drink. Oh, can I have a beer? Alcohol-free IPA. Fuck.

Don't you dare ever talk to me like that. Is there a bottle of Moretti in that fridge, kid? Finn said alcohol-free IPA. But I don't even know that. Right, so, so also domestic disputes if you in this lockdown like now

um have got any problems with your missus or your husband or your partner and you want us to help resolve it

yeah here he is oh oh Australia Galithia that's mine beautiful

oh who's the Carlin for? Could you do mine as well? I can't believe we're having a beer. Absolute Ladasaurus Rex. So if you want us to... What the fuck did you just say out loud in real life? Yeah, Ladasaurus Rex.

I thought I got away with it. You're doing it. Please don't hurt yourself. Oh, my God. If you've never tried Estrella Galithia. Ooh, them boys at Estrella fucking smashing them beers.

Cheers, kid. You know, sometimes at work, it's just such a slog, isn't it? Dan. Well, I'm driving home, aren't I? I'm telling you right now, that is not going to be My last one

It turns out We're doing the third lock Danny Mac turns up And we're like Oh Finn There's some more of those Australia ones on top of the fridge

Will you just put them In the fridge for us please Yeah we put all of those Beers in the fridge Cheers lad I love Finn I fucking love Finn. And he's got the way he cools beer, though.

So, if you've got domestic disputes, at haveawordpod at gmail.com. You want us to just get involved, sort out any arguments, any, like, you know, disputes that you need, a final judgment on, Adam and I will sit in judgment on those. But if you need advice on anything,

like this young lady did. Oh, guys. I feel like we needed a beer to do this one. Hi, lids. Oh, cheers. I need some relationship advice. But unfortunately, my problem is probably too much for the agony aunts on daytime television.

Please refer to my boyfriend as henry as he and his mates listen to the pod he's a fork on hoover isn't he right i'm already on his side um so henry and uh anonymous lady anon were in bed last week chatting and getting all touchy-feely when he asked her if i'd be willing oh sorry i'm doing it in the wrong tense all touchy-feely when he asked her if i'd be willing oh sorry i'm doing it in the wrong tense all touchy-feely when he asked me if i'd be willing to try something new being as kinky as i am touche anonymous i like that you've admitted that i'm always down to try new and fun things however however what followed has kind of made me feel all weird and uncomfortable and i require require your assistance on what to do next he said and i quote babe would you consider shoving soft boiled eggs up your vagina

then squat down and lay them like a hen then let me eat them coated in your juices touche henry you fucking weirdo fuck Fuck me, man. Oh, that's amazing. Now, at first I thought he was just being disgusting and taking the piss. Fair shout, we do it for a job. Like you probably think I am, but no, he was deadly serious. He was, and still is, into the idea and really, really wants to give it a go. Oh, Jesus.

I was pretty grossed out by his proposal, and I'm not going to lie, at first it even made me doubt our relationship, but we've been together for nearly two years now. We have a flat, car, and a dog together. And if she just said chicken, I'd have lost my shit. And a dog together. And as creeped out as the request makes me feel,

I do still love him. So please, could you experts give me some advice on what I should do? I want to keep both our sexual satisfactions up. So if you have any suggestions for a compromise for his fetish, I'm open to stuff, just not fucking soft-boiled eggs, then feel free, or maybe you'll side fully with me and you can have a word with him to sort his shit out so we can forget all about it and move on.

Absolutely loving the, this is totally true. She's put absolutely loving the podcast and hope you can help me out. Thanks, Anonymous PS. I swear on my mother, she's put PS, Dan, you're a sexy bastard and I like your hats. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that, yeah. Oh, did you actually see that? I thought you think I was talking shit. No, I've seen it.

Whatever, just always end your emails like that. So I don't want to be seen as not taking this seriously. So as Adam considers his opinion on it, let's just have a moment of reflection. Are you thinking on it? Let's take this seriously, guys, because this is someone's relationship at stake. Are you playing Chick Chick Chick Chick Chicken?

Play it like it's mine. I downloaded it for my daughter! I didn't think I'd use it for this! My three-year-old loves this song! I'm going to be like, Etta, shut the fuck up with that! Right. That is an obvious compromise yeah So before you give resolution on him

Because you're one of the You're one of Runcorn's leading 29 year old scouse male agony aunts And that is a fact Can we just talk through What he wants here Yeah So he First of all I love a bit of pussy juice Okay can we just talk through what he wants here? Yeah.

So he, first of all, I love a bit of pussy juice, okay? So I get it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. In what? In a cocktail? But not usually on, you know, fresh produce. No, in a martini.

A dirty martini. That's a dirty martini. Oh, the fuck you're making. That's a revolution. Look, I get it. Do you know what I mean? Some people are into weird shit. I love it how they were lying there and they were getting a bit frisky.

And I'm sure there was a little bit of preamble, but the way she's made it seem, he's just gone, oh, babe, will you stick a soft-boiled egg up your fanny? and I'm sure there was a little bit of preamble but the way she's made it seem he's just gone babe will you stick a soft boiled egg up your fanny squat over me and bang it out onto my chest so I can eat it

oh my god yeah look I wouldn't want a girl to do this well if I was hungover I could see myself being into this oh my god well when I'm hungover some I could see myself being into this. Oh, my God.

Well, when I'm hungover, some of my porn searches are worse than this. It's just the thought of being hungover and being like, I'm so dirty horny and I'm hungry. It's two birds with one stone. Yeah, two birds with one egg. But, look, I think it's a bit weird, but I think, you know, judge lest ye be judged. Right?

I can't judge the guy. He's in Swift. But you sort of can. No. He wants his missus. Do you think the weirdest thing you've ever wanted to do is weirder than this? No. It's not weirder? What's the weirdest thing you've ever wanted to do doesn't it doesn't involve food or animal role play i promise you i'm into some dirty old ting yeah my ex-girlfriend

tried to plop on my chest once ah scott i i don't know what we were doing we're absolutely gives me a floppy addict in a big pile i know i don't know what we were doing i don't know what we were doing. Absolutely. Nothing gives me a floppier dick than a big pile of poo. I know. I don't know what we were doing. I don't know what we were doing. I was like, go on. And she went, she did what you did before. I went, and then nothing happened.

And we were like, should we stop this? And she was like, yeah. Oh, that's worse. The worst thing is, we were in the kitchen at the time. Fuck me, we got in some right state.

Suppose of all the flooring in a household, though, a kitchen is the easiest one to clean poo off. Oh, my God. If you are going to get really nasty, don't do it in the bedroom. Don't do it in the lounge. Not on the carpet. Yeah.

Don't do it in the hallway. Don't do it on the lino. On the lino. But ideally, in the garage. Get your freak on. In the garden? No. No, neighbours do get weird about that.

Oh, look, the neighbours are out. Why's he clucking? Oh, Jesus. Right, yeah? I, look, I think he's a bit of a freak, you know? What's the dirtiest thing? Just pointing at you. What's the dirtiest thing?

You surprised me here, sir. I thought you'd take quite a strong line with this. Well, no, because I haven't done that much dirty stuff, but I'm open-minded. Do you know what I mean? Oh, my God, you're so open-minded. Like, if a woman come to me and said, I want to shove eggs up me fanny.

In Asda. Be like, Carol, get back on the till. up me fanny in Asda be like Carol get back on the till fucking hell I know there's a fanny T okay if a woman

turned to me in bed if I had if I had wooed a woman to my lair yeah and been to fucking co-op on the way home right if I'd wooed a woman to my lair yeah and been to fucking right co-op on the way home

right if I'd wooed a woman to my lair yeah right and she turned to me and said right

and I went what and she was like I'm a chicken and I want to lay eggs on you and you to eat them I'd be like you know what

as long as you're willing to dress up like a tennis player next week then we can try your thing first that's not a trade off that's not a normal trade I want you to do something fucking weird

with animals my vagina and soft boiled eggs it's not animals is it and next it's pretending to be a chicken pretending to be animals I suppose yeah next week I'll dress up in a sexy sporty outfit

but we're not getting an actual chicken involved I mean that's the next step isn't it you prefer them poached as well don't you imagine if you do it once you're going to want more aren't you the fantasy can never live up to the reality can never live up to the fantasy that's why murderers kill again.

Well, where would it go then? Two chicken fucks later, you've had your softball then she's like, Adam, Adam, it's not real enough,

I want to be Mother Goose, lad, and I want to stick a fucking raw egg up there, pop it out, I'll incubate it,

sit on it, and then you've got, I can't even think about it. You've got to pet your chicken. You could do, like, rhino poaching. What? Do you want to poach rhinos with the nose? The horn?

Yeah. You could go there, pretend you've got a rhino, and I'll be the poacher or something. Oh, that's an insight into what Carl's into. I reckon he's into some fucking crazy shit, you know? It's not the first time sex with a rhino has been mentioned. This week.

Literally. And if you're like, oh, wow, that's weird. No, it's not. It's absolutely standard fare. Look, here's a compromise. They've got to be hard-boiled. If they're soft-boiled, they could, like, squish up there. That's not a compromise.

It is. That's a slight change of the weirdness. She doesn't want to have an eggy moo. Do you know what I mean? Are we doing this seriously? If you are not into shoving eggs up your vagina, you're not frigid, are you? You're not kink-shaming anyone.

If you love him and he is the one and you're very accepting sexually, and this is genuinely what he's into, have you got to give him a free pass to go and do chicken shit? This goes back to my old routine that never worked on stage that I've told you about before. It shouldn't count as cheating if it's something your partner won't do. I mean, if that's honestly, I know it sounds weird,

and to most relationships you'd be like, no. But, like, at what point do you say no to someone so much that it just makes them go, do you know what? This is important to me. I'm seriously into this. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if this was important to you.

Like, deal breaker shit. But it could be. It could be. So why don't you go, I love you. You're not going to go and kiss another girl. You're not going to go and have sex with another girl. You just need to find someone who's into the egg thing. Good luck on Facebook.

I don't think many women are going to lay eggs for you if you don't give them at least a peck on the cheek. No, but he gave them like 50 quid. Prostitutes. Yeah. Egg laying prostitutes. I don't think he's going to find anyone on Tinder. I think you have to pay a little bit extra. No, I don't them like 50 quid. Prostitutes. Yeah. Egg-laying prostitutes.

I don't think he's going to find anyone on Tinder. I think you have to pay a little bit extra than that. I don't think that's the normal rate. Yeah, but he would, wouldn't he? Yeah, I don't know how you... I'd love to see you pull up

in your car on fucking Sheil Road in Liverpool and there's some fucking prostitutes who's there every night and all she normally gets is a fucking tiny

dick little old businessman who hates his wife and then one night this guy pulls up and is like, listen, love, how much to lay some fucking eggs? Yeah, yeah. They're free range, don't worry, I'm not a dick. Yeah. And they're only medium.

Oh, yeah, big ones there, wasn't he? But could you do that in a relationship? Could you let your partner go away and get their freak on? Well, could you do it if it was up your ass what lay an egg say lord i said dan shove this up my ass i wouldn't mind it because i quite like the feeling of pooing i imagine like it would just be similar do you think if sam asked for this though it might disturb you it might not be the sort of like logistics of the egg going in and coming back out it might be more the fact that your girlfriend's gone.

Lad. Guess what? I want to try something different. Here's how my brain works. I would 100% do it because then I know I could ask for literally anything in the future. Right. You just want tennis players? No, I don't.

That's so easy. That's for now, though, isn't it? Maybe in 10 years I'll be like ooh you know also no girl

is gonna if Adam goes love I've got this weird little kink about costumes and tennis players what girl's gonna be like how dare you

you know I prefer netball like no one gives a shit about wearing a tennis t-shirt that's what I'm saying no yous aren't listening to me I wouldn't I wouldn't now be like yeah we can do that as long as you dress up

as a tennis player i really wouldn't do that what i'd do is go yeah but that gives me a fucking get out of jail free card to do whatever i want in the future if i want you to hang upside down like a bat and let me fuck your face you better fucking tie yourself to the seam and love wow that's in my nose from somewhere though you guys no i came from somewhere quick you're just done seeing inside his mind not into tennis plays either you're just into short pleated skirts that's it yeah yeah oh oh stay away from that catholic girl's girl um right i think she's... She's got a problem, hasn't she? Because I genuinely think if this is something you're into enough

that you can't just crack one out watching this sort of weird stuff, you have to do it. I wonder if there's... What are you thinking, Finn? Are you trying to lean in on this? I wonder if there's any of this on. Hang on. I'm thinking, what about them bouncy ball eggs?

Do you know the eggs that are bouncy balls that look like an egg? Yeah. That's kind of a... He wants to eat it though, doesn't he? Oh, shit, he wants to eat it. I missed that bit.

Well, that's the compromise. Pop some love eggs up there. Yeah. Pop them up. But you know, if you're not into it... How many eggs? She has to...

But you have to pretend to be a chicken. I found a porn video called How Many Eggs Will Fit In My Pussy. Should we just slide it in here or just get thrown off? I'll just turn the monetisation off now. Yeah.

No. Oh, God. Adam. Adam, we're going to get... I don't want to lose the money for this episode because you're... No. Oh, no. No.

I'll slide that. No. Oh, my. I'll cut that out otherwise we're not getting any money. That's horrible They're never the fit girls are they that want to do this stuff Right Let's just make this nice for a bit

I'm not into it In all seriousness What's she doing here What does she do Hard boiled eggs In all seriousness, what's she doing here? What does she do? Hard-boiled eggs. I think it's... She's going to have to look. She loves them.

She doesn't want them to go anywhere. So she's got to just give it a go. No, I don't think she does. She does. I think she's clearly said that she does. She has the option of being like, mate, if this is a deal-breaker, I'm fucking off. But she's not. She loves them. you don't just walk away from someone you love because they want you to

fucking shit out an egg take that to the grave yeah oh good luck to both of you have you muted something yeah hello um jesus yeah look she's not going to walk look what's her name anonymous Anne anonymous yeah let's give her a name

Anne Anne no that's my mum's name no do it as Anne no no it's Leslie Leslie

listen girl right Leslie Adam Leslie yeah that's the one you've gone with cool why is that a problem

just go ahead Les Leslie Leza are you a fucking idiot Le Le Leslie You're a fucking idiot Les Les

Lesley Les Lesley Toolhouse Look Go back to him Say you're only going to do it if it's hard boiled Try it once Keep that card forever

Get him to do anything You want the garage cleaning? Play your card You want the attic clearing out cleaning play your card you want the attic clearing out play your card you want a shit on his face play your card you want a new dog play your card they were the two next to each other you want a shit on his face play the card you want a new dog play the card you want a asphyxie wank in a room next to his sleeping sister? Play that card. You want a Vauxhall Corsa?

Play that card. Too specific, then. Yeah, you know. You want to paint the room pink instead of blue? Play your card. Does she get one? She only gets one card. You want to go to Sainsbury's instead of fucking Aldi?

Big shop? Play your card. Right. You know? You want to get a taxi,bury's instead of fucking Aldi? Big shop. Play your card. Right. You know? You want to get a taxi? Not a bus? Play your card. You want picking up from a nice house?

Play your card. You only use it once. Get yourself a card. Get those eggs up there. Do your thing for your fella. He'll be dead grateful. And he'll probably realise that reality doesn't match the fantasy and he'll never want to do it again.

And then you'll have your card. Or make him do it. Say you'll do it, but you've got to do it with this music on. Also, listen to me. If you can keep an erection with this music going. Leslie, look, you've said in the email you're kinky. I reckon you've had worse things in your pussy than a bit of egg. Pussy's getting battered at the moment, isn't it?

As a word on this podcast. Over this song, yeah. Yeah. You know, touch him by this. He's run out of things to say, so he's going to go really dirty. Watch this.

I know the form. I know the form. You start, you're like a boxer who starts throwing haymakers like, I don't think your vagina is a temple, is all I'm saying. So stop being so precious about it and get the yolk up there. Unfollowable. We'll see you after this advert from an advertiser

that probably regrets their business partnership with us all right lids hope you're enjoying today's episode we are thrilled to announce that we are working with bettinggods.com they're going to be sponsoring the podcast if you enjoy online betting get over to bettinggods.com and you can get some great odds on all sorts of sports horse racing footy they do cricket tennis and golf but this is the big one you can get odds on all sorts of sports, horse racing, footy. They do cricket, tennis, and golf. But this is the big one. You can get odds on hockey. So I know everyone that watches Havoword is a massive hockey fan.

Get some online odds for hockey at bettinggods.com. In all seriousness, we're really chuffed to be working with them. Go and have a look. Bettinggods.com. Back to the episode. Send in your questions and suggestions to hav a word pod at gmail.com let's crack on with this nonsense welcome back um on monday's patreon episode which was fucking bananas in places patreon.com have a word pod

in places, patreon.com slash have a word pod. We ended up having Adam do some basically ideas for adverts. Yeah, so I asked you was there any adverts you wouldn't do or like what your price would be for like you know, adult diapers or

dick pills to get them hard and that. Yeah. Thanks to whoever photoshopped that, a picture of me with an adult diaper on disturbing it was really disturbing it was it wasn't that well photoshopped but it was the right it was the right size head well i when i first saw it i hadn't noticed someone else i thought you had an adult diaper on and we're just taking a selfie in your mirror at home yeah yeah do you know how mental i am because the guy with the adult diaper on and were just taking a selfie in your mirror at home. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know how mental I am?

Because the guy with the adult diaper on was actually quite slender, I was like, it's fine, I look thin on that. Just, that's bad, isn't it? It was me taking a selfie of the adult diaper thing. There's a kink. That's in and around my line where I'd be like, I'll do it. But laura was like i want to

wear a nappy i want you to wipe my ass yeah i really feel like when you're doing these would you things like it's really hard to do it with like the pregnant mother of your children yeah because you're like ah where's where's my daughter at this point it It's better to do it with an imaginary lady. Me and Carl are babysitting at her. Wow. Then the nappy is not my biggest concern. She can. Skateboard.

Yeah. She will be able to by the end of it. Has she got a cuddly rhino? Oh, fuck him. Is there a blimp here, lad? Yeah, I think nappy stuff. She's like, oh, I'm a big baby, and I'm wearing a nappy. No, I just laugh in her face.

I was laughing in her face. Baby wants a wipe. I'm like, mate, it's round the corner for me. We've already got wet wipes in, ready. See, that's different to laying eggs to me. Because if you're saying I want to wear a nappy, you're basically asking your partner to play a pedophile aren't you um no because i don't i think i don't know much about that it really doesn't do anything for me but do do they just want to

role play as a baby i think a lot of the times they don't actually want to be banged it's the way it is isn't it it's not it's not the banger getting the sexual gratification it's the baby going i'm a baby i'm getting something out of this yeah it's i think yeah to get into it you've still got to be shagging a baby haven't you no i don't think they banged it's getting looked i think they role play it and they like the baby and it's weird role play it's like the people who do cats who role plays as cats it's it's more a kink than it is the i'm a sexy cat bang me yeah like i actually think i might be talking about a point then because you because you don't have that weird turn on in your head you're like yeah but it must just be leading sick because for most people it's like a combination of visuals and arousal, touching, and then penetrative sex, isn't it, essentially?

People who've got these weird lanes psychologically can go all the way down them without getting their dick out, without having sex. Like, it's enough of a thing to be like, I'm a fucking weird. Right. But you're quite tolerant about eggs up the pussy guy. Amazing, like, turn there.

Because I imagine when he's eating that, like, there's juice on it, and I imagine his dick's involved somehow. No, but you've imagined that. That wasn't mentioned at any point. No, but... No, but you're assuming. Some of these roleplay people just want to do that roleplay.

And you're applying your sort of, like, normal, which is my normal but what about the word daddy yeah not into it again it's hard

because I've got a kid that calls me daddy so you'd be like I even me who you know I'm as far away

from having children as it is possible to be like why he kills them because you've had the snip yeah I've cut the dick Because you've had the snip. Yeah, I've cut the dick off.

Is that what the snip is? You are. Yeah. Mate, you are three years away. I am as far away. I am five beers and not concentrated away from Adam. We've got to have a chat. Oh, Jesus.

Should have stuffed some fucking eggs on there, lad. But yeah, a girl calling me daddy. Do you know what? I imagine if we were in the middle of it, it would probably, like, I probably would like it because there's really nothing that I don't like about it. Yeah, if you hung over and she goes, if I say it's not going to make it, what if she calls you Papa Ad-Ad?

Papa Ad-Ad. Oh, that did something. Ah! Papa Rob Ad. Papa Ad Ad. Oh, that did sort of even me. Papa Row Bags. Empty your bags, Papa Row Row. I'd prefer, like, Uncle Robert to Daddy. Uncle Robert. I've got an Uncle Robert. How did you know that?

Did you know? Oh, Jesus Christ. I've actually got an Uncle Robert. That was the fastest freakout in my head. Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. I've actually got an uncle running. That was the fastest freak out in my head. Oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Uncle's so much worse than daddy, you freak. It isn't.

It is. What kind of girl got at him? I'd rather shag me niece than me daughter. Oi, no context, have a word. I don't know who you are. If you don't clip that out, you're doing a disservice to everyone that watches and listens to this podcast.

Could you imagine if a girl was like, oh, Adam, that's dead good. Go on, lad. Do girls say that in bed? Go on, lad. Go on, lad. Give a death. Go on, lad.

Come to the house. Come to the house. And then she goes, can I call your uncle Bobby? Uncle Bobby? What kind of abuse has that person suffered? In adult life she's like, I just want you to call me Uncle Bobby.

Tell me I've got to keep a secret. Sorry, I've gone too far with that. Oh, I reckon the worst thing... Sing Jingle Bells and tell me to shut up. Worst Christmas ever. Sorry. The worst thing...

The worst family member you could be called, I reckon, is Great Grandad. Like, Great Grandad Charlie. Do you know what I mean? Great Grandad? Yeah, like, if you were fucking going at it, and she was like, go on, fuck me, Great Grandad Charlie.

I reckon that's the worst. I think mummy's worse. Mummy. Mummy. Actually, no, Paul likes that, doesn't he? Does he say it on stage? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

All right, good, because... Oh, should I be a bit about her? Yeah, because he's a friend and quite influential comedian. Don't want to be like, oh, Paul didn't want that out on the internet. It's out now. Yeah. Yeah. didn't want that out on the internet it's out now yeah um yeah i mean in the moment we're sat here two lids doing a podcast chatting bullshit it's easy to be like ah yeah that's fucking stupid

isn't it but when your dick's hard and you're having fun when you're in the moment it's a different line isn't it all of a sudden your tolerance if you're with an incredible person and they're pressing all your buttons like doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl and they go i just want to do this it's very different from in an afternoon half a beer down i am call me emperor ding dong emperor i'm just trying to think of something that would make you go, no. Emperor? That'd be great.

See, one time a girl... Emperor Ding Dong! One time a girl took a sip of water and then dribbled it into my mouth, and I quite liked that, and I can't explain it. There's moments on this where I feel very connected to you. Really?

Yeah. Do you like the same thing? Yeah. I was with the same thing? Yeah. I was with a girl once and she spat water into my mouth. From her mouth. She didn't spit it in. She just like... Stephen Orton did it.

Right, well then it sounds less sexy. That looks like the least sexy thing I've ever seen. Love, can you pretend you're dehydrated, but then halfway through the sip of Volvic, you have a stroke. and I'm under you I know it's a weird kink you know alright Adam, oh yeah that's great

the universe is massive could you imagine if you went to the Stephen Hawking thing that'd be easier than the egg, wouldn't it? Just getting your speaking spell out. Babe, I want to try something different tonight. Get your old Auntie Margaret's wheelchair and fucking gaffer tape a speaking spell next to it.

And she has to be like, and she has to do the advert. The universe is massive. I don't know why I'm doing it in the Geordie accent. The universe is fucking big, like. Right, this'm doing in the Geordie accent. The universe is fucking big like... Right, this is my kink. Don't judge me, babe, but have you ever considered being a female Geordie Stephen Hawking? The universe is massive.

It goes on and on. It's a bit... Isn't it mad that the universe is supposedly infinite? It's having a good time, isn't it? Can you get that, like... Can you get your head around that? That the universe is meant to be infinite? Like, it must stop somewhere.

Just pause. Are we genuinely going to do... the universe... after we have just just done Geordie female Stephen Hawking sex role play and you've gone, great point, Dan. And really take on board what you say, but isn't it mad that the universe is infinite? Yeah. No, but it is though, isn't it? Like what's it expanding into?

I know. Just like, you know, empty space, isn't it? Because the universe is meant to be everything though. So, empty space, isn't it? Because the universe is meant to be everything, though. So that empty space will be part of the universe. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Why do you look at me like I've got any answers? I've just done the female Geordie Stephen Hawking sex fantasy. I'm not the guy who's going to answer this.

Do you know? The universe is fucking massive. What are you expanding into? It's dribbling water into my mouth. It's expanding into itself, isn't it? That doesn't make sense.

It's like when you put your head up your arse. Yeah. Where does it go? It comes out your mouth. We've sorted that out on a previous episode. I don't know what your point is. Are you scared of it?

I just don't believe them. The scientists. I don't know how they know that. Yeah, they don't. Because they haven't been. No, they don't. But they know that yeah they don't because they haven't been no they don't but they don't not everything's a you know

a definite isn't it not everything's an absolute the earth used to be flat didn't it like back in the day the earth was flat according to scientists and then they were like oh no we've had a look now

and it's not pumped it up oh it's hard what what what don't be so stupid I can't have it

I can't have it. I can't have it. No, that was the truth they believed, wasn't it? Right. So this is the truth we believe now. I'm not saying it actually was flat. Right. I thought you were being the thickest I've ever heard you. No, no, no, no, no.

Like, they thought it was flat back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they had a look, and they were like, that's not. Who was it? Who was it? Was it Aristotle? Who worked out that it was who worked out Buzz Aldrin it was Buzz Aldrin

yeah yeah yeah he just went it's round yeah he went up to the yeah yeah yeah Lance Armstrong was bouncing around

like a nonce and he was like Lance Lance oh he's gone fuck me that's round it's spinning

don't I mean it's spinning famous Buzz Aldrin quote one small step from Anneous Buzz Aldrin quote. One small step for man. And Buzz Aldrin's like, it's fucking round and it's spinning and that. What's Lance Armstrong's famous quote?

Never mind that. What about Buzz Aldrin as he was coming second down the ladder? Fuck me. My ass is fucking killing. That took forever. Yeah. Like, I just... I think in in the future maybe scientists will go it's not expanding like yeah yeah it's all theoretical isn't it it's theory

guessing why do they get a guess yeah it's guessing why don't we you get a guess you get a guess right here 25 000 people i have a guess. And try not to sound like a fucking numpty. I think. There he goes. Swing, bala, bala, bala, bala. I think we are an alien life form. And we were dropped off the air because we ruined an old planet. And they were like, right, let's just keep the human race going.

Let's drop some of them off there. We'll come back and try and fix this planet. And maybe they did fix it, maybe they didn't. And we'll find out one day. Adam can't hear what's being played. But after a theory like that, I think this is the only way to sort of answer it. Right. I think we were dropped off here

after they wiped out the dinosaurs I think we wiped the dinosaurs out parking what? parking what do you mean? just wiped

you know like when you reverse and you don't see what's in the space no no no I think we were like that planet do us that but those fucking T-Rexes are going to be a problem yeah

so they sent a asteroid slash missile at the planet wiped them all out do us that but those fucking T-Rexes are going to be a problem. Yeah. So they sent asteroids slash missile at the planet wiped them all out then dropped us off here and went back to fix their planet.

Do you believe in dinosaurs Dan? He is a crazy lady sometimes isn't he? Do I believe in dinosaurs? Yeah. Yeah I think so yeah. Yeah I think so. I've not done any

of my own research on it. Yeah. Crocodiles are dinosaurs aren't they? No. Crocodiles are as are dinosaurs, aren't they? No. Crocodiles are as old as dinosaurs, aren't they? All birds are dinosaurs. Yeah.

Birds, pigeons. I've seen a magpie on the way here. Dinosaur. Yeah. Did you think that? Yeah. Jurassic Park around here. Fucking magpies everywhere.

Every time you see a bird seeing Jeff Goldblum interfere with a pigeon once where was that Jurassic Park flick Jurassic Park 3

you haven't watched that one have you so Adam's had burns oh my god oh my god oh my god Adam actually ended the bullshit

that's amazing it's huge in my head I'm like how the fuck are we going to get this back on track and Adam's gone

yeah that's enough of that what tipped you over was it Jeff Goldblum and a pigeon and you went that's enough fucking hell

that beer's really leveled you up so the the adverts thing was how the fuck did we end up? I haven't got a clue. No one ever knows, do they?

Right, this is from James Seward. No, we still haven't contextualised it properly. We got distracted. I mean, I did sort of... Basically, Dan asked me to improvise an advert on the spot for adult diapers, and then we also did some ladies' sanitary towels adverts. But, like,

so we opened that up to our patrons and said, if you want us to improvise any other adverts, we'll do a new feature called Adams adverts. And some people have corresponded. Listen, and you just, you just do you because you have actually got a bit of talent for this, for designing,

coming up with a storyboard and just letting it play play out. The advert that would best promote these products. This is from James Seward. A up Adamski, Daniela, Carlos, and Finito. Just watched Adam's adverts on the latest Patreon, and I'm pretty sure I'm closer to having a six-pack now than ever before from all the laughing. Oh, James. That was a long-winded way of sucking our arse.

Just thought I'd throw a couple of suggestions in for part two of Adam's adverts. You can choose any of these. Because you're all getting to the level now. You're like... I get to choose my own way. I don't have to do everything that comes across my desk. Oh, you're at the top of the have a word advertising.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like Mad Men. You're right up there. Have an advert. You's like Mad Men. You're right up there. Have an advert. You're Don Draper. Anyone? Have an advert.

Anyone watch Mad Men? Mad Men, yeah. Have a commercial. So you can choose from a multi-pack of lid branded condoms. That's have a word condoms. Okay. Oh, he's jotting that down. Or pretending to.

You can do an advert for Turbo Shandy. Okay. Or you can do an advert for Turkey Teeth. Turkish Teeth. Or Kim Shepard has taken a picture, sent it in. Nair Hair Remover. Sensitive cream for legs and bodies for all types of hair. Excuse me.

What do you want to do? What do you want to do? What do you want to do the advert for? Lid Johnnies. You want to do have a word branded condoms? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I'm just doing a stretch. I'm a bit stiff.

Okay. So there's obviously this one. I'm really enjoying today it's definitely a weird one isn't it when Carl's just mid episode like oh

my constitutionals you're getting old mate I see Lid Johnny's right so this lad's on a nice house what are they called by the way Lid Johnny's

Lid Johnny's Lids Dick Lids Dick do you know this is why he's got it not all the time but he's got it Lid Johnny's Lid Johnny's Lids Dick Lids Dick Do you know This is why he's got it Not all the time But he's got it

Dick Lids Yeah Put your dick lid on Put your dick lid on Oh my god You come up with this song Yeah Put your dick lid on

Put your dick lid on Right So this lad's Oh you'll make a child No sorry He's having a boogie In the nightclub just drink

just and then this crack how does that music go again bush bush bush bush bush

bush then this woman comes over starts rubbing her body on his dick this woman comes over starts rubbing her body her body on his

on his on his crotch yeah right she's scratching her where's this like Baloo from the Jungle Book yeah body. Her body? On his crotch. Yeah. Right? She's scratching it. Where's this? Like Baloo from the Jungle Book. Yeah. Is this a dance hall? Where's this?

Is this Jamaica? Does this happen anywhere? No, it's in a pop world. It's in pop world, in town? It's in a pop world, yeah. Oh, a pop world. A pop world. You don't know the city? You can just see the Spice Girls on the wall. You can hear Five on in the background. Which pop world would you think you'd film at?

Probably Liverpool. Probably Liverpool, but you don't find that out in the story. No, it's not important. Yeah. So she's ballooning. Do you know what I mean? Ballooning. Yeah, she's going for it.

And then she turns around and starts having a kiss and that. And then she goes, do you want to come back to mine? And he goes, yeah. And then it freezes. he starts having a kiss and that. And then she goes, do you want to come back to mine? And he goes, yeah. And then it freezes. Great script, by the way. Just let me stop. You've really captured the nuance and the subtlety, the delicate dance that is romance in a nightclub.

Do you want to come back to mine? Yeah. And then it freezes, right? Yeah. It freezes. The whole nightclub freezes But he's like animated So he's still Oh so it's one of those

Pause the moment in time Yeah yeah Yeah Right And all the extras have to be like And then there's a choir Right Oh

There's a choir Right Light up Yeah they light up in the corner And they're going Put your dick lid on Put your dick lid on Put your dick lid on Put your dick lid on put your dick lid on

put your dick lid on and he goes ugh right doesn't doesn't put his dick lid on goes back to his shags it

right in the advert yeah or like it's it's implied like the after nine o'clock version

you see the penetration but before nine o'clock it's just just, like, you can just, like, hear it, right? So you don't see it. Yeah, because that's not going to get any Ofcom complaints. Fucking. It's your middle of deal or no deal. Oh, fucking hell, love.

Sorry about that. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you hear all of it what you just listened you just hear there's like 10 you see you turn the lights off and then you just hear ah jesus oh god so so they're proper going for it and that yeah and then she goes did you come in me and he goes we should have laughed because it really encourages him. She goes, did you come with me? And he goes, soz.

Honestly, are you going to get a writer in for this? Are you going to do a lot of... Love to see that written down. Then it says nine months later. Oh my God. And they have a baby. Yeah. But he can't handle it. And he throws himself off a bridge.

Right. And then it comes up dark screen, and it says, should I put your dick lid on? End of adverte. Once again, Adam, this is, by the way, for the shagger. Once again, you are the master of subtlety. Did you come in me yeah

soz oh he just says soz he just says soz yeah and then jumps off cuts it nine months later baby and he's like

is there any script there he hands the baby back to her goes I'll be back in a minute and then he jumps off the bridge why does he jump off

the bridge because he's suicidal because he doesn't want a baby how does he get to the bridge is it just you just follow him for a bit you just see him on the bridge it cuts from the jump off the bridge? Because he's suicidal, because he doesn't want a baby. How does he get to the bridge? Do you just follow him for a bit? You just see him on the bridge. It cuts from the hospital to the bridge.

Never have a hospital near a bridge, that's a fact. Beautifully done. Tell me that wouldn't sell more condoms. I think it would get some people talking. It sounds like one of those mental Russian adverts that you see on YouTube as a piss take. You want a baby fucking baby

I'm jumping a river be a real man die not on a river like onto the M62 oh no he jumps off the sign that says pies

it's not there no more no we'll put it back no if you're gonna jump off a bridge don't be a dick do it into a river no

because you might swim off then you don't wanna go swimming you'd just swim off wouldn't you do swim off then you don't want to go swimming you'd just swim off wouldn't you you think if you jump off the Thelwar Viaduct into the Mersey

from that high up you're going to survive you can do a dive you can do a dive well what you're going to change your mind halfway and just

assume the diver's position if you do a what if you were like and then you went well why would you you wouldn't die

why would you go yeah but if you can land it because Adam you're such an then you went well why would you you wouldn't die why would you go yeah but if you can land it you'd go because Adam you're such an athlete you'd be like oh fuck I don't want to live I can't handle it

I'm not ready to be a dad I'm the furthest person away from being fucking hell I can nail this yeah and then look you'd be in the Mersey

looking out for some like ten ten you just belly flop it from a hundred and fifty feet yeah but if you do it onto the motorway then it's just defo done innit looking out for some like 10, 10. You just belly flop it from 150 feet. Yeah, but if you do it onto the motorway then it's just

defo done, innit? Is everyone losing their fucking mind? You cause a massive pileup and people die. Why? When you are dying do so many other people

have to suffer? Because it's back to your It's back to your I know the world has failed me. So you have to end other people's lives? No, not end them. Just ruin them.

Right. Give them a harrowing image to live with. Yeah. Do you know how motorway pileups happen? It's not like, oh God, that was harrowing. Is it a four car pileup car crash? Four car. Four car.

Four car pileup car crash. A four car pileup. It's a four car pileup car crash. Yeah. That's my advice I think I love the imagery

of you jumping off a bridge no I mean but I love the idea that you're suicidal

so you jump off like if you don't know the Thelwar viaduct is that the one over

the M on the M6 in it and it goes over the Mersey at the highest point

it's absolutely massive i love the idea that adam would be like and then just beautiful entry like one little splash yeah fucking nailed that that's me that's me like condoms anyway hair removal i could do as well if you want yeah now can you do it here's a little challenge because i'm the advertiser i work at nair n-a-i-r nair hair remover and is that meant to be no hair is that an amalgamation near her near their jordi's aren't they yeah near 100% where is it near the fucking Virginia right

can't say these are the words you can't say I'm from the advertiser look it's there no right yeah yeah but I'm the advertiser and I've got you're the company

I'm the advertiser I'm the company don't get your fucking roles mixed up here oh we're paying you dickhead but I'm the advertiser oh sorry yeah

well we've all seen you I didn't go to fucking Yale to be disrespected by you no you didn't go to fucking Yale to be disrespected by you. No, you didn't. Yale. The writer of the dick lid advert didn't go to Yale. Fucking Ivy League nuts. We don't want the words pussy,

clunge, beefcake, tuppence. Was pump up allowed? Clunge. Yeah, we hadppence. It's pump all the lad. Clunge. Yeah, we had... Beefcake? Beefcake.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. It's legs and body anyway. Right. What's the top of your legs? Eyes.

Okay. Vagina every time. I see this being one of those ones where like it's um all very clinical you know like the shame warren advert for like um hair transplants yeah i see it like being like clinical clinical yeah why it's all just like white background and like a two camera advert that's the way i see this one. Woman or man? Man talking about women. Oh, that, honestly, and I'm telling you right now,

I don't know if you know marketing to women, but that works really well. That whole man, easy, that whole mansplaining thing, that's gone now. No, no, no. Turns out women have come full circle, and when it's talking about their removal of body hair, they love being explained from a man. No, no, no, no no no no you're a pet

you're fucking well hairy you look like a pissing gruffalo see that is why you've brought me in because that wouldn't work

right well that's the problem we've had it there before we've had a lot of gruffalo scripts this is a man talking to another man or all men

about their partners oh this is genius yeah you know you've had women advertising to women you've had men in the olden days advertising to, this is genius. Yeah. You know, you've had women advertising to women. You've had men in the olden days advertising to men. This is more like gaslighting on an advert. Yes. This is healthy.

This is the direction Nair want to move to in 2021. So he'd look to the camera and he'd say, fellas, is your woman a bit of a hair cut? Oh, wow. Any music for this? Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, you can't say cunt on an advert.

Fellas, is your woman getting a bit prickly? Is she refusing to shave because she's not going anywhere because of lockdown? Well, now she doesn't need to. We've got near hair removal. Are you doing it in short hair? As soon as you said near, you went... Yeah, now you don't have to. We've got near hair removal.

Slap it on your wife, even if she doesn't want it. As she goes to sleep, rub her down like one of them fucking killer wheels that's got beached at fucking Tynemouth. Oh, look, there's an orca, Dave.

Fucking hell, it'll dehydrate, Barry. Get some fucking water on it. Daff cunt wheel. I fucking hate wheels. Nair hair removal is so easy to hide in bottles

of shower gel. All you need to do, empty your wife's shower gel, fill it up with Nair, and she'll be squeaky tomorrow. She won't be hairy anymore. She'll look like a baby's arse. Do you want a baby's arse in your life? Yes, you do.

Every red-blooded man wants a wife who is clean and hairless like a baby's arse. There'll be no hair left on any bit of her body. She might have to draw her eyebrows back on.

Give your wife a skinhead. Have a wig at the ready because this stuff is going to go through her hair like nobody's business it's near hair removal available at boots super drug and my uncle john beautiful that's nice i like that really good at that really good at that any other products you'd like suggesting listen uh, when people suggest things, it's very tempting to be like,

oh, I'm going to go for the wackiest option. With a mind like this, you don't need to. You just give him the starting point and he'll fucking run with it. One of my favourite points today was pretending to be two Geordies putting water on a whale at Time Mouth. When you carried on, I was almost sad that I had to stop

I was having such a good time I love beer we should drink it more on the podcast shall we have a little break shall we let's have a little break and we will be back with Danny McLaughlin

Danny Mac in Danny Mac Danny we'll be back with Danny McLaughlin. Danny Mackin! Danny Mack! Who's not a Geordie? Danny McLaughlin. Not there. Danny McLaughlin. Danny McLaughlin!

I'm just going to cut the cameras now. Don't cut the cameras. Don't cut them. We've got Danny McLaughlin coming in. I'm not sure that was allowed. Yeah, I've cut that one. I'm not sure Danny Mac wants that little

bit of our podcast associated with his name. Well, tough shit. It's our podcast. Can we do an advert for beer? The last 25 minutes.

Beer is really good. It makes your wife more attractive That's not the case for me That's not the case for me I just have to not breathe through my nose Okay, call back from earlier See you after the break Order, order, order Like the man said

You can order our new line of merch At haveawordpod.com. Go and have a look. We've got some amazing new merch. We've really upped our motherfucking game. Got new color t-shirts, new hoodies, logos, designs. And the best bit, we've got our catchphrases. Some of our favorite podcast catchphrases.

Catchphrases like rat, tur, upsetting it, and baffolution. Go and check out the website. See if there's something you want to buy for yourself. Haveawordpod.com. Follow us on socials at Haveawordpod Tweet about it Share it on Facebook Give us a like on Instagram Oh Jesus no you're a good egg

Back to the pod you beautiful lids From Texas to Skem Everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game It has to be Have a word I think I'm going to have a beer once or twice more often. Yeah. Well, first section was firing the fucking pod.

Yeah. It's just put me in a nice zone. All right. Okay, good. I feel good. But as you said before, when the ball starts rolling, you don't know when to stop the ball rolling so got an hour and a half of danny mack here are you going to end up shit faced um no no i'm not

gonna have any more i've got to drive home so you can only have four hey i love some beer i'll just drive home and fucking mow down some students. Hey! 2004, banter. Danny Mac's here! Hello! Hi! One of the... Why have you got a bit of tape on there? Do you know why I've got a bit of tape on here?

Why? Because your big fucking fat hands come over, you twat that up too loud, and then press the buttons and you can't hear it. And I can. That is a little fucking road-proofing. Right, okay. Cool.

Thanks for answering. That was a big... That's cupboard locks, that is a little fucking roadproofing. Right, okay. Cool. Thanks for answering. That's cupboard locks, that. It's a baby gate. It's essentially... I can't throw myself down the stairs. Baby gate sounds like a horrible scandal. Oh. What would baby gate be?

It's not out in the swimming pool these days, you know, since Babygate. That's not how you want to get impeached, is it? Babygate, definitely not. He should have just kissed the fucking thing. What was Watergate? What happened at Watergate? There was some flooding. A fucking nightmare. Do you know what it was?

It was something to do with... Only from Forrest Gump was something to do with only from Forrest Gump I know all my history from Forrest Gump what it was there was like something going on and some special needs fella over the road

saw it happen some ping pong champion who had special needs whose missus got AIDS but he forgave her and took her back I want to see Trevor McDonald describe Watergate I want to see Trevor McDonald

describe Watergate in that way Sir Trevor McDonald I'm back to Watergate I'm Sir Trevor McDonald this is the news at 10 a special needs ping pong

is he dead? no he's not dead I was just being a dick but I love it how Trevor McDonald is reporting on Watergate in 2021 also what I like is

Adam then didn't say special needs properly and he said special needs in 2021 also what I like is Adam then didn't say special needs properly and he said special knees you need special knees if you're going to be a

ping pong champion kid bouncing all over their gaff and special knees they're the doubles champions

mate it started exactly how you knew it was going to start stronger wordplay than you and me have ever managed.

The wordplay champ? Yeah, man. Got to bring it. I'm the wordplay champ. You're the accents champ. A meeting of minds. The only person who gets close to you for wordplay is Paul Blair, isn't he? Yeah, and he's not even a comic, is he?

No. He's like, you know what he's like? You know them, like, the dudes that could have played, but their knees went when they were 14, so now they just go and watch on the sidelines and people go, hey, see him? You fucking Meg Rinaldo him every day.

He could have played him. He's like that player. World-class under-12s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby game. He had trials for, insert big team here. My games He had trials for insert big team My grandad had trials for Bradford and Man City Before the war Your grandad had war crime trials I do not believe you

He did Bradford and Man City You talk so much shit on this podcast That it's so hard to know This is the plaster But I really feel like You came up with Bradford and Man City Too quick for it to be all bullshit that it's so hard to know. This is the plaster. But I really feel like you wouldn't say... You came up with Bradford and Man City too quick for it to be all bullshit.

My grandad played for Villa in the 50s. What? No, he never. Yes, he did. Did he really? What's his name? Alan Gill. Alan Gill.

G-I-L-L. Hello. Gilly. Alan Gill. Aston. He hasn't got many YouTube clips of him working. You're looking for that like a fucking compilation. He played for Villa and he ended his career at Preston North End.

Oh, there's a Carlos Gill? Yeah, Carlos Gill. He definitely played for Villa. That's one L, though. Yeah. And he played for Villa as well, actually. Well, there's no record of any Alan Gill at Aston Villa. Yeah, if Ro hasn't got him

on Shiner he didn't exist what the hell what do you mean didn't have your grandad on swap how many appearances

do you know oh yeah just let him pull him up it's impressive that he knows his career I've got the newspapers do you want to go to the library and get old newspapers

I've got old newspapers and shit in the house have you there's a guy around Chester you might have you? there's a guy round Chester you might have seen him who's people call

Salmon Rusty because he looks like Salmon Rusty it's not him he walks around with like bags full of old newspapers have you seen him?

no just walks around with them and takes them to the library and copies them out and then goes home nice to have a purpose innit?

yeah man but the library's shut now innit so I don't know what he's doing I think he's just walking around and who did he play for Bradford and Man City yeah he played for

the league there's a fella round by ours who we called the running man yeah he was the first person I forced off on you

same he's got two bags of shopping and he's always running. What? Do you know what he does in town with the bus? He does it by the Shankly's as well. So what he does is, right, there's like a road by ours that's like on a dog leg

and the bus comes from... Don't say that again. Never have you sounded more Scouse than when you said, dog leg! never have you sounded more scouse than when you said dog leg I rode by ours that has got a puppy's heel in it

the bus comes from up here and the bus stops here so if you're at the bus stop you can't see the bus is coming he goes and stands on this corner with his shopping and then sprints to try and catch the bus when he sees it and I've seen him miss it

before no he does he pretends to miss it he'll be like oh and he'll get the last bus home from town so what if the bus driver goes

do you know what I'm going to wait for him he'll be like come on then mate he's like ah no I missed it can't do it

he just runs all day he's like just this little old scruffy old man just runs around is he homeless or I think this little old Scruffy old man Just runs around the back Is he homeless or I think so

Because he lives on a bus all day Right Because if you get the last 18 Home he's on that Oh it's gone sad now Hasn't it this Yeah No but where's he going though

That's like when I see a blind person Out for a walk Yeah where the day going What are you up to Do you know what I mean Where are they off Fresh air then What do you mean

Yeah just go in the garden We always say that When we see a blind person, we always say, where are they going? Why? What's the point of going travelling when you're blind?

Exactly. Yeah? You might as well just do laps in your garden. Yeah. What's the point of going to Paris when you could just walk past Café Rouge and sniff?

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but actually, what is the difference? Fuck me. It's not wrong, is it? No, I'm not. I i'm like no one likes getting on a plane no one enjoys it do you know i mean especially airport security and that these days

why are you putting yourself through that if you're blind when you can just go and have a little sniff of a fucking pussy somewhere right it's how baguette's it's gone just going sniffing baguette i love it how baguette baguette comes in your head so quickly when you mention french people we mentioned french lesbians the other week and you were like what like with how baguette comes in your head so quickly when you mention French people. We mentioned French lesbians the other week, and you were like, what, with a baguette and a beret? You couldn't see lesbian, you could only see French. Wow.

What if you were blind and you were being a bit of a dick to your mates so they all started speaking French and told you that you were in France? Yeah. It'd be a big reach for your mates because I know most of them like I don't think they're capable of learning a language just to mug you off

what about people who go and watch the match that are blind blind people go to the match don't they well they have people explaining it to them

don't they yeah what they do they have people describing the match to them they have their own

commentators yeah there's one Liverpool game he's famous for he goes with his mate who went blind and he stands with him

and goes Salah's got the ball on the left wing he's passed it inside commentators have to do who went blind and he stands with him and goes Salah's got the ball on the left wing he's passed it inside commentators have to do that like you know like lawyers do

pro bono where John Motton has to do that like three times oh he did it in the 60s he does it all

John Motton sometimes Clive Tildesley really made his name with a blind lad called fucking Pete speaking of like me mate

speaking French to me Carl speaks fluent Latin it's useful That's it What Danny you know about this Don't you Have you

No Do some Latin Ask me to say something Say Say I can't really speak Latin I'm blagging I was arguing about Latin That sounded racist

Prove me wrong Yeah Prove me wrong proved me wrong isn't Latin only written is it only a written language is it is it only a written language it's a dead language so it's only written when Caesar got stabbed he didn't go

hey read what I've just thought nobody speaks it now have you got a pen? Just leave that there for someone to discover that. I mean, now it's only, it's a dead language, it's only written.

Yeah, but you can say it once you know Latin. You can converse in that. You know, dead language doesn't mean, like, you can write it down and then someone goes to read it. I know. Shut the fuck up. That's a dead language. Keep that language out of your mouth.

You can't, like... Jesus. The only Latin now is a scouse tin. Is there any other dead languages? You'd know more than us here, because you're... Yeah, I reckon. Yeah. Probably. Yeah, Gaily.

I would guess. I'm coming back, Gaily. Wow, how to piss off A lot of people But it's dying I just There's a lot of like Diehards

No Irish person Or Scotsman That listens to this Is like a Like a nationalist To the extent that they love The Gaelic language I don't think it's a dead language

No but it's dying Same as Welsh We did it in uni They're both dying languages But Welsh is still on the road signs Isn't it Yeah a dead language, is it? No, but it's dying. Same as Welsh. We did it in uni. They're both dying languages. But Welsh is still on the road signs, isn't it? Yeah. A rath. That's it.

I know Alan, because my granddad's name's Alan. I mean, I was laughing in the hospital. You have to send him out. Alan, out. That's all I know, that. It means exit. It'll never go away. Certain Welsh words will never die, like ambulanth.

Ambulance mean it means ambulance it's just ambulance with a little W in it it's like the person who wrote it on the ambulance was like god we've got to make this Welsh word

sound more Welsh I'm convinced ambulanth that's I know it that was first so a lot of it so a lot of it

like was them that decided words because it's an old Welsh is an older language than English is it so we robbed their stuff. They're the Brits. They're the original British people, aren't they?

So, but I'm convinced because like, parking in Welsh is parkio. And I'm convinced that they've gone, hey, how can we Welsh this up? And he's gone, just put an IEO on the end. That is pretty much it. if we didn't have a word

yeah what's bowling exactly we were we were behind an ambulance in wales and it was literally ambulance yeah yeah right and then we we drove past the shooting school which was it was unbelievable we're like the one word is like, ambulance. Were the Nazis there shooting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, just find shooting school, please,

and read out the Welsh. Well, school is a skull. A skull. A skull. Yeah. It's the most Welsh-looking fucking thing. And then ambulance is just like, yeah,

can't be arsed. Bus is just bus with a what? Instead of a what? Savie. Savie. A skull savie. A skull savy. A skull savy. Shooting school.

Yeah, we do this. Ambulance. I'm a lamp. What? Shooting? If you do... What the fuck is that? That's how you...

That's the phonetic. That's the phonetic. Not sweet like the Swedish. That's English. I know. I'm going shooting on the weekend. It sounded like Fargo Yeah no if you speak to a Welsh person in Welsh

Which I can barely do They will just chuck in a few English words If they've not got a word for it in Welsh I remember Yeah pretty much Eight years ago or something That they got K Yeah my surname doesn't exist

My brother went to a Welsh school and they were just confused when did they find out about it? they heard about it it was when shit was going down in the south of America and they were like what's this they're not called anything they're the summer

summer summer the dot dot dots no it wasn't that long ago that you've got K I don't think it is officially summer summer yeah the dot dot dots no was it wasn't that long ago that you've got K I don't think it is officially in the alphabet but they will

they will write it now if it's in someone's name or if it's in an English word begrudgingly yeah and this is why it might be classed as a dying language

the fact that a whole nation is like I'm not dealing with that did you just have two L's at the start of your surname because they use that for K don't they yeah that's that. Did you just have two L's at the start of your surname? Because they use that for K, don't they? Like, clan, don't know.

Yeah, that's a different letter. It's a letter. They just use a... Two L's. Yeah, it's one letter. It's his own letter. So the alphabet will... I don't know this...

I can sing the Welsh alphabet if that helps you. It'll be like, A, B, C, D, E, L, L, L. Just think for all the ladies watching. Could you actually... Could you please sing the Welsh alphabet? Hang on, let me just get Some appropriate music for you There you go What music's that?

Chick chick chick chick chicken For Shirley Bassey I think I can remember it To about N Because it was high school Listen a lot of the ladies And the young Homosexual men

Will love this This will be a real Like little Addict teaser for you It's in a different tune as well Which is quite fun Oh my god just Ready everyone

Order please Order Order Abba kaha da da in a different tune as well which is oh my god just ready everyone order please order and then i'm i'm lost from there fuck off yeah if you can hear i can do it what's that the tune This language is very old. Fucking amazing. Just you and all the cheerleaders. You made that up. You fucking did, lad. You mad at them. Every week.

As if he could make that tune up to match the letters that easily. He could. Go on then, do another one. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P. Yeah, you can't just do the one E. You just don't do another tune. Q, R, S, T. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P.

It's really not hard, is it? That's just the normal alphabet with a bit of a fucking jazz to it. Skater girl. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P. alphabet with a bit of a fucking jazz to it? A skater girl? A skater boy song? A-B-C-D-E-K-H-I-J-K-A-L-L-M-A-N-O-P! Yeah, you can do anything. It's not that hard. That was skater boy by all of you. You could do Darude Sandstorm if you wanted, like...

A-B... A-B-C-D-E! A-B-C-D-E! A-B-C-D-E! A-D-U-T-M-E! A-B-C-D-E-E-D-U-T-M-E! I can't do it because I can't actually do the alphabet what an idiot

alphabetic Darude sandstorm that's ever been done on a podcast it's the only yeah the one and only Q R U

that's how that's so Welsh innit don't you fucking dare do it to the normal ABC yeah ABC

ABC is a twinkle twinkle Little Star, isn't it? A, B, Twinkle. Yeah. It is. Well done. There's something else as well, isn't it? I think there's about four tunes with that rhythm. It's like dancehall, isn't it?

They all use the same rhythm and then they just change the words. Do we know one of the others? No, probably not. But there is. No, I know. And the others no probably not but there is no I know and I'm trying to remember what it is Google it

we're Googling it pull that shit up Jamie you said Aramaic before and I can't stop thinking about it because that's not Arabic is it no

what's Aramaic it's like a Middle Eastern language that I only know because of Indiana Jones okay cool but yeah

I mean you can Google that if you want did you know about Aramaic yeah Joseph of Arimathea okay

good conversation no I did but I don't know anything about it I think it's I only mentioned it because I think it's a dead language

what are you asked there's alternate tunes so the Americans have head shoulders knees and toes for the alphabet

A B C D F G fuck off I've never heard shoulders, knees and toes for the alphabet. A, B, C, D, F, G. Fuck off. I've never heard head, shoulders, knees. And row, row, row your boat's one of them as well. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T. Can I just say, none of them are as good

as Darude Sandstorm. A, B, C, D, E. E, F, G, H, I, J, M, N. While we record the rest of this, will you set up a as good as Darude Sandstorm. ABCDE! E-E-D-A-D-E-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N-D-E-M-O-N a while back because it's January can I still do like New Year's resolutions because come December 2021 I'm fucking nailing Darude well in December 2020 we did a lot of gigs together at Hot Water

and obviously we knew we had you booked in to come and because one of our most requested guests ever just takes a bit of a while

to get parents booked in you had a really good idea you wanted us to try and between the three of us write a comedy comedy club song

oh because I'm convinced that musical comedy is easy what is it Pinnacle of the Circuit you mean what Johnny Awesome I'm basically saying

that like guys I mean if we're going to be douchebags can we do it more subtly than my mate no no no by the way johnny that was car being a douche now also the difference is and i've said this loads is johnny awesome is an amazing musician i can't do the music i'm saying some of the lyrics

we could if comics this is why i'm not devaluing them at all because they're all comics I'm saying any comics can come up with musical comedy I'm not saying anyone can you've just done the alphabet to DeRoot Sandstorm exactly you have proved your point I've fucking nailed it

my mother-in-law my mother-in-law Fritzl I think we can do it though do you know genuinely people have emailed in going My mother-in-law. Frittle. A frittle. I think we can do it, though. Do you know, genuinely, people have emailed in going, God, you're not a big fan of musical comedy, are you? And it's not that there aren't some fucking amazing musical comics,

even on the circuit. It's just that in terms of all comedy, there is an easy, like, there's an easy route to everything. There's the lowest hanging fruit on every possible subject. There's a joke that every comic in the room go, there's the first joke, there's the second. Kitson takes the ninth, Stuart Leiter or Acastle takes the ninth, and then some guys go, it's the first thing you think of.

And with some musical comedy, it is literally the first thing you think of every single time to a tune, which makes it more palatable. It gets a round of applause. You're like, so that's lazy comedy that got a round of applause. And it makes comics go, meh. I'm going to toss them some bail in the fact that I imagine it's harder. I don't do, or I try to think I don't do that lowest common denominator. No, you definitely don't.

But I might if it had to rhyme. If it had to rhyme, I might have to say Willy Poo Poo instead of whatever. Well, that's what the two forms of comedy. I want to know what the alternative is. Dick shit. The two forms of stand-up that often take that first easy option, the first slip road is comparing yeah where people are like i know you did a generic thing that other people say and it's almost someone else's bit but it's fine because you're comparing like there's a weird i hate that

no you don't you won't accept it i hate that idea and i also hate the idea that you if you're a compare you can nick what other fucking compere's are doing because it's compere-ing. No, I wrote this. Go and write your own put-downs. I hate it, you know. To a certain extent as well, there's almost like audience interactions.

There's been a few instances of mates pulling off mates bits because they were like, no, no, I wrote that. And it's because it was done. It's a bit material under the guise of audience interaction. I've had loads lifted. And I've said to people, I did that. And they're like, oh, yeah, but it's comparing. It's like, nah, it was me comparing.

It was me. It wasn't just. It's not a stock line. I haven't got that from the big book of comparing. Yeah. And just because you compare by numbers doesn't mean that we all compare by numbers. All the best compares have idiosyncrasies

that don't make them like, okay, what's your name, what's your job? And if there's a person in your group and you don't know who the fucking idiot is, it's probably you. And it plays on the audience not really knowing what comparing is, still. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, credit to Paul. It's only because Paul went big on the videos not really knowing what comparing is still yeah yeah like credit to paul like it's only because paul went big on the videos that people have started realizing that fucking comparing is good yeah people used to think people think he invented it as well people that's that's what i'm saying about like how in the same way that acts think that you can just nick what other people do audiences think that we all that we all just do the same because like like you said people have said to to acts oh you just do the same. Because like you said, people have said to acts, oh, you just do what Paul does, like asking people what they do and that. And I think because compare isn't as understood as the others,

people think that it's just like, I've been asked like, and I'm sure you are, like, oh, they think you come out the kitchen sometimes. Oh, yeah. They think you just fucking, oh, did it take you long to take your apron off before you went on stage? You should really give it a go. You're good at this. You should do a set.

And that's because, sorry, Adam, that's because until, well, I don't know, there's no comparing ever on telly. No. And there should be. Oh, there is on Live at the Apollo, except it's just a set with an intro. Exactly.

So all them old shows like the ones I used to watch and you probably used to watch you might be a bit young but like Live at Jonglers and Edinburgh and Beyond and all that I've seen them yeah

it was the one that Tommy Tiernan did in the late 90s is it The World Stands Up no it wasn't that was a good one was it no it was like

it was a weird late 90s and Tommy Tiernan properly compared it did bits and interaction it was literally called something like The Stand Up Show oh it might have been that I think it was the one on ITV late 90s, and Tommy Tiernan properly compared it, did bits and interaction. It was literally called something like The Stand-Up Show. Oh, it might have been that.

I think it was one on ITV. And it was properly compared. There was one on Channel 5 called Gas. By Tiernan, who's a legend, yeah. Maybe, like, the success of Paul, although, like, I was about to say, maybe the success of Paul will lead to more of it being on telly, but when I meet, like, TV producers and stuff in London, to this day, they've not even heard of Paul,

which is mental, because he's an arena comic. It's so stupid. You're talking about how audiences sort of, not don't respect the compare, but they have this preconception that you're not a comic. But when you are a comic and you see a good compare, you two are two of the best in the country. And I hate comparing when either of you are in the room

because I don't put myself in that bracket of comparing. But I'm still like that when I compare and he best in the country. And I hate comparing when either of you are in the room because I don't put myself in that bracket of comparing. But I'm still like that when I compare and he's in the room and I compare when Mick Ferry's in the room. And like all these fucking amazing compares that when I started doing 10 spots were comparing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like obviously starting Beat the Frog and Dan's on and you're like, oh, fuck.

And like doing the gong show and Mick's on and other people like that. I still don't like it. Yeah. And it's how I imagine like, oh, fuck, and doing the gong show and mix on and other people like that, I still don't like it. And it's how I imagine, I don't know, if Flintoff's in the crowd, Joe Root might be a bit, oh, Flintoff's watching, do you know what I mean? No, being in the room with people you respect any time in comedy makes you go, ah, I want to be good because I genuinely,

I rate this person. But comparing is a smaller pool of people who are good at it. And, like, Danny's one of the best, and there's probably about ten other acts that I really rate as a compare. Well, there's hundreds of decent comics. About four for me. Yes!

It is true. It is true. And also what you end up doing is, this is a weird thing that compares will do. You start timing yourself against how quick they are and where you go. Like it's hard sometimes to watch it as just like you've got your set coming up and you're just enjoying it. I find myself sometimes seeing where you'd go with it.

That's the best bit. And timing how quick you are with it. You're like lightning fast sometimes. And like watching other comics and you go i wouldn't have gone there i'd have gone there and it's a weird thing you do you get a little bit rain money with it you're going i go there like it's a funny weird thing being in the room with another comic i think that's the best bit though like watching you go oh and then me going i'd have gone there and then you'd have gone there like that's why i honestly still don't know in the year of our lord 2021 this is the thing though like i don't know how like everyone doesn't want to compare yeah because

like going out and smashing a set closing and having everyone like love you and that is great but it's still not as good as smashing it comparing i don't think no i the reason i don't compare that improv boom like that yeah the most live isn't it yeah yeah yeah it's the that i remember you saying something to me about material about when people can't turn over material they can write great material and then there's people who have great material but it's six seven years old and then there's other people who can write great material within six months, a year, a year and a half it's turned over

and you literally said, well, yeah, because they're better at it that's being better like having a great set that's ten years old is great there's only a few hundred people have ever been able to do it being able to turn that over every year and a half makes you even more elite that's the same as the comparing buzz

where you're like, you've done it and you've seen it and you've done it yourself. He didn't mean that, but I was fucking stupid. You've done it and you watched them do it. You were the hit. Do you remember? Do you remember? Do you remember?

Do you remember? Do you remember that time he did it? You were being so, like, oh, God, that was brutal. It was really fucking funny. Those moments, and it doesn't matter if it's in a set or comparing, where something is truly ad-libbed and it's in the moment and it's one in a million, that is such a beautiful moment in stand-up.

And my second favourite bit is watching a comic try and replicate that the next time because they're like, i want to do it again and it doesn't work as much anyone in from coventry well there's a difference though what's funny is like i've i've replicated loads of stuff and pretended i've done it for the first time you're american that yeah yeah that's great when it happens yeah but when that people are like is anybody in from this specific part of america yeah yeah like that doesn't work takes the magic of it i think there's a skill in doing an improv the second time and making it look like you've just done it and i think that's why it's a separate skill and that's why the dudes we were talking about who haven't

written material in 10 years, there's still a different level in them. So there's the ones that haven't written a new joke in 10 years, but they fucking perform it like it's the first time they've ever done it. Still smash. Compared to the people who haven't written a joke in 10 years and just whiff it out. That's a skill in itself.

So you can almost... Being able to perform your old shit that you hate. Like it's brand new. Like you're enjoying it. Yeah. Yeah. I can't... Going over saying,

hey, to your family that you've been with for 35 years. Hello, Jude. Yes, they love you. Like that. My favourite is the girlfriends or partners of those comics. They're at the back. They're at the back. They're at the back. And if their battery ran out on their phone,

they'd just get a fucking bus. They're literally like, oh, I've got to watch this. I know people who aren't in comedy that have been with me to gigs that know some of these people's stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get tweets sometimes. That's not right, it no no mate carl yeah carl's worked carl what you were talking about when you worked at baby blue before you're

at hot water you were there for years there's some sets there's some sets i could do front to back with songs with oh everything particularly with songs you say mate and this is and this but i love the material yeah yeah it was great but i just knew it inside i think that's a good that's a good thing i don't think you would know it as much if you didn't like it because you'd switch off the fact that you do know it is because you're like you want to hear it again you should do blue every couple of months and you do the same stuff and every time i go that's fun oh he's my favorite and a good oh he's a monk he's in australia now he's in he's in a tibetan monastery and he's a monk yeah hack it's the only moment but he's my benny boots my favorite ever so just

go back to what you were saying before like i don't do much comparing because like you were saying everyone should want to do more of it or everyone should want to do it. And I like doing it every now and then. You know, we do the secret Sunday gigger sometimes and I like hosting. Sorry, let me, I just want to clarify. I didn't mean everyone should do it. I think everyone should be able to do it. Yeah.

Like you should want to be able to do it. Yeah. If you know you can do it, but you just don't want to do it and then so you just want to close. I'm not saying everyone should have a go at comparing. I'm too competitive as a person, which is well documented on this podcast. I bet you're not.

I fucking am, lads. 20 quid. So, because I know, I just can't put myself in the bracket of comparing as you two, or Mick, as you were saying before, or Paul. So I don't do it that often, because I know I'm not the best and can't be the best at it.

So I'm like, I'm not really interested. It's the same reason I don't play Call of Duty. I get shot every time I walk out with a gun. So I'm going to play FIFA, which at least I've got a chance of winning the game. You didn't start doing it early enough. Me and Danny had a similar route of like, started comedy and compared straight from the off.

Like that's all, in my head i was like i just want stage time you were way further down the sets route yeah well you were like scott bennett's the same he had to start asking to do to do comparing but by then you're a headliner you're further down the line and you're like oh comparing is a bit of a hassle but for me it was at one point it was three quarters of my diary yeah if i hadn't have had to compare it i wouldn't have been a professional comic. You get on quicker because you get to be on bills and earn money with headline acts

that if you weren't comparing, you'd be doing the middle for fuck all. Stage time, lots of it. I think a big part of the comparing is being quite likeable, personable, and setting the night up. What I think I can do is I can do the improv, which is why I don't hate getting heckled

especially if I'm closing because I'm always like like I'll come off a hot water sometimes and like one of the staff will be like fucking cunts and nerds and I say

I'm like no they've just joined in I quite like that that made tonight's gig different to last night do you know what I mean even though you did the same put down

the exact same put down give me six kids and I'll come to where you work and kick your man in the tits you did the same put down. The exact same put down. Give me six, kids. And I'll come to where you work and kick your man in the tits. That would be... Whoa, that's just someone with a family business. Wow. That is not a good way to make a living, innit?

That is not the put down. And I'll come to your local corner shop and help you stack the shelves. What? I don't come to where you work and kick your mum in the tits. Because that's your job. What's their job? Working nine till five, kicking mum in the tits.

Taekwondo instructor. Do the alphabet to that. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, U, X. But with musical comedy, it's the weirdest thing with musical comedy. B-C-D-E F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R S-T-U-V-W-X But with musical comedy, it's the weirdest thing with musical comedy. There's so much... That thing about knowing people's musical stuff,

fuck me when that's in your head. I think I still have to do it right now. With so many different songs. Shanna's. I met a nice lady on the internet. Every comic in the UK, I think can sing that fucking song because he's closed with it for like 10 years.

It's a funny fucking song and Shanna's has got some new bits, but he closes on that on the weekend. You know what's so funny about that? I think, I don't know he's not here, so I don't want to, but I'm not being a cunt,

like there was a time in that song because he did it, he's done it for, what did you say, 10 years? I know what you mean here. Are you going to say there was a time? There's been edits. About eight years where PC became more of a thing. So there used to be a line in it where he used to say,

she comes from Thailand and he, she's only nine. But obviously, because the audiences have changed and people have gone, fucking out of order, she's nine. So now he goes nine team what's the other one there's like

there's um so he looks like that song is so old it's been updated so he looks like Susan Boyle so it looks like Sally Gunnell

he's had different like people I've not heard Sally Gunnell no I don't know who the fuck's Sally Gunnell oh fuck off I don't know who Sally Gunnell do you know heard Sally Gunnell. Who the fuck's Sally Gunnell? Oh, fuck off. I don't know who Sally Gunnell is. Do you know who Sally Gunnell is?

No. She's an athlete. She's 25 years old. Do you know who Roger Black is? No. Do you know who Colin Jackson is? Yeah. You do know who Colin Jackson is?

Yeah. Do you know who Derek Redmond is? You never watched the European Championships in 1992. You weren't there for the 92 Olympics. I was four months old. Yeah, you weren't there, mate. But neither was Freddie, and he should have been. His song went to number one.

Let's crack on. What? Freddie Macon. Yeah, he had the song. I thought you were talking about Freddie Quinn. I was like, how the fuck is Freddie Quinn getting mugged off here? I was like, what? I was trying to work out how we were being addicted to Freddie.

I'm like, well, I'm into it. I just need to know why we're being addicted to Freddie Quinn. That's the first thought in your head, isn't it? Like, what is it? Pasty, pasty, salt and pepper chicken. Fucking cunt Freddie Quinn off. Who? But the musical comedy can be done cheaply, easily.

Do you think? Yeah. Shall we parody a song? Not now. Why? I don't want to do it now. Why? Because I want it to be good.

Right. I don't want to... Well, it's up to you, but I mean, it'll need workshopping. Oh, you don't just want to ad-lib it, like alphabet style? No, I think we could do like a proper good one. And I'll come back and we record it if you want, properly. It's up to you. There's a story of Barry Castanola being away at the Forces gigs

where you did decompression, and he had an argument with one of the lads who ran the tech there because a musical comic was out there smashing it, doing an easier version of musical comedy like there's guys that we love that do it and there's guys that you're like yeah it's fine it does the job and you're in your head you'll be like oh yeah can you give me clues and that what they won't get at home he's white um uh him you know that guy yeah yeah the white he's uh white uh between 30 and 50 yeah yeah working lower middle class oh right yeah white british guy straight now you know

him yeah i know that really in british stand-up that really narrows the field so they were like he was just whinging at the back because the sound tech is the guy you whinge to and he was like it's fine it's fucking easy it's just a bit dog shit

and the sound tech was like well yeah you say easy but you couldn't do it and Barry went I could though couldn't I

I could I could write a musical comedy song if someone played the guitar for me i could sing a fucking parody song and i bet it would work and he went no but you couldn't because it's skilled it's difficult and he went i bet this week i could do it for a hundred quid so they put a hundred pound bet on that barry casanola could write a comedy song and then two nights later he had

someone go up and play the guitar next to him and he or did he even play his own guitar and just did three chords and it fucking went down it went down pretty well and it was just it was about drinking and it was just and barry did it in a way that he was actually trying to make it funny for them but he was also trying to make it like yeah but it was shit though and it worked quite well and apparently the sound tech was like yeah no I mean it worked alright but it didn't work that well and you're like nah mate

of course it did he got away with it me and Carl do this in the car all the time on the way home a song will come on on a playlist and we'll just start parodying it for a laugh and it works in a serviceable way that I genuinely think me and carl could close the frog this is what i'm yeah that's what i'm saying that's why it wasn't a

dig at musical comedy yeah saying that anyone can do it because i don't think anyone can do it that's what i mean i think but i think all comics could do it yeah if you're funny enough it's only the like you said i don't know if barry played his own shit but if you if i have someone playing the shit next to me i could write because it's let's face it it's not really a song you may as well call it a poem yeah like it's just a beat it's the same as you did as the the comedy rap battles yeah which were just basically rhymes bars poems exactly it's just a little what do you call it when it when it's a it's a slam a poetry slam isn't it essentially yeah so i think yeah i think we could do one easy yeah i do what do you want to just let's just put it you know put it in the melting pot what's the theme what theme do you want to do

let's do something fresh covid hey because danny you love talking about covid now brexit's gone you need something to talk about that's topical and in the front of people's minds that's your i mean i'm so glad that covid hasn't gone like Trump has because I would have literally had nothing to chat about just a year ago Danny's set like ah I'd kind of like to give this up

Brexit Trump Covid you wait till 2033 when my Covid stuff comes out mate when it's old enough to be fucking

nostalgic Danny's closed up in his Falkland war bit you wait till fucking garlic Covid Danny Mac close in. So who remembers Kuwait?

Yeah. That's the war I'm doing. Will you Kuwait and see? Give us a song. We're not really doing COVID. I was just being a dick. I want to do a COVID Brexit Donald Trump song. Don't Stop Me Now by Queen.

Don't Stop Me Now. Can we have a B-side option? Just like margarine or something. You know what I mean? Like, just to, because I'm already

just doing a, I'm going to hate it as I do it. Yeah. Don't stop me now because I haven't got a mask on, but I am exempt.

Strong. Nailed it! Strong start. Strong start. You nailed it! There you go! And he's off. He'll be closing the whole fucking Nailed it! Strong start. Strong start. You nailed it. There you go. And he's off.

He'll be closing the whole fucking chuckle hut. Don't stop me now because the borders haven't closed yet. I'm getting a board. I'm not joking. Spikey Mike would pay 25 quid on a live stream for that. Right now. Oh, God, I fucking could not write that song. I absolutely could write that song. No. 25 quid on the live stream for that right now oh god I fucking could not write that song

I absolutely could write that song no you couldn't and do it in front of people when you got your ukulele yep did you write your own

comedy songs I wrote a little comedy song what was it tried it two people remember it him I don't remember it and Rob Mulholland.

And that's enough for Paul Smith to give me shit about it and you to give me shit about it. Dan, is your uke in there? No. I remember you having it. I don't remember. I probably wouldn't have watched it. I got the ukulele for an Edinburgh show in 2012

and then never did it never did it that's the shit that's the reason one of the many reasons i hate edinburgh because it makes perfectly good comics think they have to buy fucking ukuleles to try and do something different no but you know what i mean though i've done it i can't remember what it was that show that the idea was the all the bad ideas i'd had for an Edinburgh show, and one was me taking... It was meant to be me taking the piss out of the fact I could have been a musical comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was going to write a music... I was literally going to do a version of what we'd done, but it was a nod to the irony that I'm not... I wasn't actually going to 100% try and smash out a musical comedy song. Then I enjoyed playing the uke, and I still play it. I still quite enjoy it. But yeah, I did it on stage once, and Rob Mulholland was there,

and he looked truly disappointed with me. He was that angry. He took his dog for a walk and ratted about it for nine minutes. He was being dead nice to me. I was like, was it all right? And he went, all right. Which I knew was like, nope.

But I'm being nice, and I don't want to call you a cunt. I'd love to have seen you compared with you. Yeah. Trying to improvise. No, you wouldn't have. Have you seen musical compares? No. I've seen like improvised raps.

Oh, mate. Oh, wow. I need a word. I need a way to die. Okay, where do you work? Human resources. Waka, waka, waka I need a word. I need a way to die. Okay, where do you work? Human resources. Oh, waka, waka, waka. Fuck that noise.

I like it how I got mugged off right at the end of that section. Did you just do a little... All right. Oh, waka, waka, waka. Did you get onto it? What? Oh, that's all right. What?

Can you edit it? Yeah. Can we edit this out? Yeah. I'd love to edit this out. I genuinely thought you were going to say, fuck that noise next door. I thought you were having a little little sub little thing here give me a subject matter jimmy savel we'll give it a go like we haven't done it every night for seven years and they admit it they literally admit they go yeah

people always shout Jimmy Savile and we have the ad-lib song ready and they're like these guys are geniuses and they're like yeah

they actually said to me once in Birmingham they were like we prefer when people don't shout Jimmy Savile because it makes it more interesting if they shout Jimmy Savile

they do it so much we just fucking hoof it thing is though they could say nah not doing that yeah but I tell you what or they could say, nah, not doing that. Yeah.

But I tell you what. Or they could go, something else, not Jimmy Savile. If they really wanted to, they could be like, we did Jimmy Savile yesterday and we're all about keeping it new.

something different. Let's keep it weird. Margarine and Widdicombe. They could have. Yeah. Yeah. Let's keep that in. No.

Let's keep it in. All right. They definitely do have their presets, don't they? Should we have a... Yeah, it's professional remembering. Yeah. What, you want to go to Australia and you don't like heights? One, two, three! Don't go up, there's rock. Don't go up, there's rock.

We can't cut this out. We can't cut it out. It's too good. The boys are sound. They don't give a shit. They don't give a fuck. They're making fucking bank. They are good at what they do. And at least they're not going,

I've done this song for 20 years. At least they are fucking... I think it's 14. That was my ukulele song. Hello? I'm dying a bit inside. No nomination for me. I love how, though, when you took that uke off,

that was in your head, that was the big finish, wasn't it? It never got to a preview. Oh, did it not? It didn't get in the Edinburgh show. Basically, it was when me and Danny lived together and I was fucking

twanging it around a bit and then I was like yeah I can't play this I'm not putting it in an Edinburgh show so you know it never made it of all the shit

that I get given on this that's the one I hate it just goes if I ever go back to Edinburgh I'm taking a flute like yeah yeah your massive

you don't know how to play a flute that's not how you taking a flute. Yeah. You're massive. You don't know how to play a flute. That's not how you play a flute, mate. I have to look a spanner in the eye. I'm taking this flute. It's broken! Fucking shit flute. You've never seen a flute, have you?

Have you not seen my joke about flowers? Everyone does that. Like they're having a fucking episode eating a baguette. I can't believe I've just uttered the sentence, have you never seen my joke about flutes? Danny was about to be like, mate, I've actually done that bit. I saw that, I saw that. I've actually...

I saw that. You're actually... what's your joke about flutes let's close this section on your flute joke to get away from my ukulele nightmare um do you know what i love about flutes how mysterious the front of a flute is do you want to have a look not allowed mate mate there is about three comedians that have ever lived that could get away with that and still get paid money and Danny's one of them. Right, break time.

Advait. Some of the money cunts. Stop calling them money cunts. Why? Because one of them will watch. They won't. Alright. Okay, good. Who should have put in then? Do you honestly think if any of our sponsors watched this episode

the bit that they would be like no no no we can't be associated with this can you imagine if they were like I'm not we're not sponsoring Flute

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Fuck, I cannot say that company name one more time. supremecbd.uk fuck I cannot say that company name one more time supremecbd.uk don't be a Tory down your tabo shandy and tell a friend this is Havawad you thought I was investing any money

in GameStop it's crashed it's what? It's just crashed. Why don't they turn it off and turn it back on again? Just blow it! Just blow it! What's GameStop?

So basically a load of people on Reddit just started investing in a stock that should have been dead just to fuck with Wall Street and it worked. It lost 12 billion apparently or something like that. Wall Street lost a hedge fund. Dissolved a 12 billion pound hedge fund. So what are we going to do?

Are we going to do our version of it? With like Little Chef. I think we should go public with Hathaway Studios. We should float Hathaway Studios on the stock exchange. Right. How much is the stock? Who decides that? How much the stock is? I. Yeah. How much is a stock? Who decides that? What?

How much a stock is? I think it's Wall Street. So you could go in and go out. No, you value your company and then split it. Yeah. Is that what they do? Depends how many stocks exist

in that company and then you split it. I think you decide how much your stock is. No, but that's what I'm saying. It's like when Facebook does that. We split it.

We release eight stocks. 20 grand each. Eight stocks. Wow. I want six. Eight stocks. Wow. I want six. A box of oxen. Oh, so you're keeping six? This has worked out really well for your business partner here.

Everything's been 50-50 till the stock split, and now I've got one stock. Some punt on fucking... You can have six as well. I'll have six. That's 12. Carl can have three. I'll have four.

15. I'll have four. No, three. I'm 4 no 3 I'm having 4 15 and you don't know how the stock exchange works really do you

5 more and Finn can have 2 and Danny Mac can have 1 for the drive home for the toll on the bridge on the toll totally

and I'll you know we'll get KFC that's another share lad I'm not putting it on the card I'm giving you a share no but like when do you think we could go public?

Not sure that's on the cards. Why? Because I just... I want to be the new Amazon. I can't work. I can't work with any more people. Could you imagine having an annual general meeting where a load of our fans turn up and decide what the company's doing?

You'd lose your fucking shit i wouldn't because i just tell them what to fuck off but i've still got six years also yeah as long as you retain 51 you still got all the voting rights or whatever still have you been investing recently i've just been a united fan for fucking years yeah we keep your lasers we keep control of it borrow money money against the pod Yeah Yeah yeah And live in Tampa And then leave Yeah And then just move

And then we'll get Pogba What? Borrow two billion against the pod Right And we'll just move to the Seychelles So we've got some questions Investment ideas Who put the domestic disputes up?

Me and Finlay did a good job Finn That's how you become undeniable, kid. Carl, did you prompt him or did you just do it? Oh, I told him to. Ah, well, all right, Finn, you're fired. That's how lazy Carl is, though. He sat next to that computer and he still made Finn do it.

The best thing that ever happened to Carl was Finn. Like, I just hit lad. Get that one. So we've got some domestic disputes. Dan, this is this is people's lives okay and it's a comedy podcast and how do you describe it do the blurb comedy podcast haha very funny okay good haha can you get your pipe because when because when adam does the blurb for his own podcast he becomes a Slovakian woman. They come and they're talking very good. Adam Oli says, keep me anonymous, sorry. Oh, no, he doesn't.

He says, eyelids, Adam here. Me and my girlfriend have been... Did he say eyelids? Eyelids? He said eyelids. As in my eyelid? She hasn't got any eyelids. Oh. No.

Are you sure she's not taking the piss out of me? Eyelids! There you go, that's better. Me and my girlfriend have been back and forth... Oh, no. Are you sure she's not taking the piss out of him? Hi, lids! There you go, that's better. Me and my girlfriend have been back and forth. Oh, sorry. He's been back and forth with his lass about possibly moving in together, but she has a bathroom rule. She said, by no reason should I ever go in the bathroom

while she is in there, especially when she's pooing or weeing. I like freedom in my own home, so I would have liked this sorting out. All the best. So Adam Olly says, he's thinking about moving in with his missus, but she has a long-standing bathroom rule, so no-go zone.

We need to solve this domestic dispute. Easy this one for me, as far as I'm concerned. She needs to be okay with the fact that he might walk in while she's pissing. If she's having a shit, he needs to stay out. I think poo is the line. Yeah.

Just think, let someone go to the bathroom. Why does he want to go in there? What if there's a child on fire? Trapped in the bathroom. All right, then. He should stay out unless there's a child trapped. That's the only way you can go in. Trap child in your cum.

Hold your nose. No child. Fucking wait five minutes. You definitely need to eat more roughage if you need to abduct a child to have a shit. Nosebleed. No, no, no. There's a child trapped in the bath

your eyes are watering you're going silly look you've got spotted the child and she can't reach it because she's shitting

because she's shitting how bad is her shit that she will let a child like oh I'm crowning how does he know the child's there though how does he know

the child's there there's no because the child yells out help me help me I am troubled he's troubled Does he know the child's there, though? Why? How does he know the child's there? There's no because the child yells out, Help me! Help me. I am troubled. He's troubled if he's fat enough to get stuck in the fucking bath for a start. You're allowed to break the door down if there's an Edwardian child.

Troubled! Ah! I beseech you, sir! Break down the door! The woman does shit! While I drown. Where did the child come from you fucking lid the plug hole the spider child

the child came in through the window trying to escape escape what from the maid that is in the garden you're really helping out here so lad what we're saying is stop drowning children. Sorted.

Are you at the Wee and Poo stage yet, with Susie Q? I have not been in... Oh! No, I've not been in the bathroom or the other way yet, no. I just don't understand why anyone would want to be in the bathroom

while anyone is in the bathroom. Like, sometimes you need to go in there, don't you? Why? You don't need to, you want to. Yeah, to brush your teeth while your missus is having a shit. Like. Sometimes you need to go in there, don't you? Why? You don't need to. You want to. Yeah, to brush your teeth while your missus is having a shit. You're an animal. But you can brush them off when they're away.

No, but you can brush them five minutes later. Like, there's, no one's ever in the bathroom longer than half an hour, I reckon. Yeah. So, there's nothing that you need to do in the bathroom that you can't wait half an hour. But what if you're late for work? You need to just have a quick. You just need to do in the bathroom that you can't wait half an hour. But what if you're late for work? You need to just have a quick... You just need to budget your time better. So he needs to be getting up 10 minutes earlier.

Yeah, and she needs to lock the fucking door. And then he can't get in. You're not sharing of the bathroom space. I'm not going in any bathroom while anyone else is in the bathroom. It makes public toilets really awful. Because the bathroom is where you go. Do you know what what whoever's in the bathroom i don't even want to know why they're in there they might they might just want to go in and have a sit down five minutes

peace i'm not going in to him like that's the place it's like what are you doing in there thinking yeah it's like i'm reading a fucking domestos bottle go away it's like base in Tick the bathroom yeah it's like a neutral area it's like the airlock at Laser Quest yeah

it's where you go to just decompress can't be shot no yeah yeah can't be dead for ten yeah I'm on the bath

I'm still on the bath I just don't get his obsession with what why does he I think the question there is why do you want him I think I don't get his obsession with... Why does he... I think the question there is, why do you want him? I don't think he necessarily wants to.

I just don't think he wants any restrictions placed on his life. I know, but that's life, innit? Do you know what I mean? If you live with your mum and dad and your sister, you can't, like, twat the bathroom door and be like, Mum, you dirty bitch, I'm brushing my teeth! Exactly that. You've just got to let it go.

People are allowed to shit privately. Unless you have a small child, and then all of that privacy goes because they just walk in. Or anything. Like I said, I might be fucking trying to relace my shoes. I think the reason you go in the bathroom to do anything is because you don't expect to be bothered in there. It's the one room where you don't expect anyone to burst in.

Yeah. The bathroom door, if it's locked, you should always knock on it. Yeah. Even if you're the only one in, because you never know when a small child is going to try and escape murder. I didn't know when that guy got in touch, when Adam got in touch, that Danny had such strong beliefs about bathroom privacy. I just think, you know, you get to start a relationship.

It's different, but you get comfortable in a relationship. They can have a wee while you're brushing your teeth. Dan's made the perfect point. Like, if that was your mum, you wouldn't do it. No, because I never want to listen to anything coming out of my mum's vagina. Okey-doke. Next one. Leave some romance

in the relationship and I'll have a shit on it all. Hey, we've put a fucking lid on that one. No, but... Alright, lids. You've topped it.

There's no following it. You've got it. When you spoke about your brother being born, that was it. I'm assuming that's what you meant when you said you never want to hear anything coming out your mouth.

Or in the toilet. It's a baby. I did not know it was... What did you have in the break? What? Did you have... Lemon Fanta? Where's it from?

Spain. Dubai. This is from Tom. All right, lids. Me and my girlfriend are mid-twenties been together for six years this is important as a young testosterone-fueled male

I have a high libido and she doesn't we don't have sex that often anymore Dan and Carl must know how this feels cheers lad but when having a laugh and a joke with her I may occasionally place my hands on her chebs momentarily

before the hand is slapped away. I don't know why I found chebs so funny. But any man who writes in and refers to breasts as chebs will get his email read out. My argent, argent, is now we are very much uh committed and sexually exclusive she owns my body i've been together four years six six years and now they're sexually exclusive don't fuck i'm rushing to a kid no they are sexually exclusive it's just exclusive for a while it's not just happened uh this is weird because this is your terminology

she owns my body and can do with it as she pleases and her body belongs to me that's the sort of that's you've referenced that in the past yeah she believes that my cock is hers and i cannot touch her without formally written notice and an hour to prepare what she take may need to have a word with one of us. This, uh... Oh, that's from a non. Sorry, Tom. I think you should be, like, slapping your beds. Bumming.

Mate, if... I don't think you deserve to touch a woman if you still say chebs. Oh, come on, Dan. Come on. Others. Oh! Fucking hell.

But when... Babylon's. But a relationship goes so far... Lobber dobs. You come full circle on that, Come on Others Others Fucking hell But when Baboons But a relationship goes so far Lobber dobs You come full circle on that Where at first You're trying to be sexy You'd never do that

I think if you'd been together With someone for a while You could be like Babe can I touch your chebs Yeah maybe Tits sound sharp Come on Tits tits tits

Tits sound sharp You've got Yeah it's very childish But it's fun Breasts sound slippy Yeah Breasts Anything sounds slippy. Yeah. Breasts.

Anything sounds slippy if you do that at the end, though. Rugby. Yeah. Doesn't. Sandpaper. Yeah, see? The least slippy thing you can get sounded slippy then. I think they are doomed to fail.

Yeah? Yeah. Why? Because he's got a high libido and she hasn't. Oh, that's what you've taken? Yeah. That's the main thing? It is, don't it? No, it's more about

just like the the touching and the Yeah, because he's touching because he's trying to get something going and she's like, no, fuck off, I'm watching Emmerdale.

Yeah, there's a bit of a worry in it. Yeah, they're not going to last. Leave her now. Get it over with. Nailed it.dale. Yeah, there's a bit of a worry in it. Yeah, they're not going to last. Leave her now. Get it over with. Nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. So what does she need

to do to keep him? Suck his dick. Always, very rarely come down on the side of the lady. Before, it's like, look, this is love.

Get them eggs up there. Don't you dare. No. I'm telling you, if we did an accounting of all of these, it's very rare that you're like, love, I'm on your side. I'm not saying she has got to do anything.

She should leave him and find a man who doesn't want to fuck her. And doesn't say Chebs. Yeah. She should find someone who, you know, their libidos match. Also, maybe if you want to get laid with your girlfriend, don't go up to her and go, ha, ha, ha. That's what I mean. That's in the same ballpark as Chebs, don't go up to her and go, That's what I mean. That's in the same

ballpark as Cheb's, isn't it? Just don't think for a laugh that you can just grab a woman's boobs, go, look at your Cheb's. It's kind of funny, but women don't like it. They're not like, oh my god, that was great banter. Some women do.

Some women love her. Unless it's fucking Benny Hill. I don't know if women love that. No, I'm not. I'm just, I don't want to speak for all women. So there might be a woman. Please do, though. Yeah, there might be a woman.

I'm going to turn please do, because it's good when you do. There might be a woman watching this going, I love a honka honka. I'm into clowns. You just never know. Yeah, I'm a fucking nightmare at the circus. I slip off the chair.

Right into the hay. Why, you know... I love it. Stop speaking for women as if you know what you want. You just did, you fucking nutty. I didn't. I said it's possible that some women like getting honker-honkers. Yeah.

Out of the blue. For their boyfriend of six years. Some of them maybe so what's the civil dispute who's won yeah you've got to stop grabbing her

tits mate sorry it's not it's sort of yeah the answer is either leave her alone or literally leave her alone yeah

stop touching her or fuck off imagine if your girlfriend just went hi on your dick for no reason? I don't have to imagine. Alright, is that how...

He had a 15 minute bit on it, didn't he? Yeah, me. It's going to be on telly next week. Stand-up sketch show. I love it how you had to remind him of his own bit that's about to be on TV. Oh yeah. My ex-girlfriend used to, after sex,

she would play with me dick. She'd flop it about, she'd sing oh my god ring my bell skin back open me bell end were you asleep at the time no have you been abused are you all right babe why would she do it what like it was a fucking tennis ball with a slit in it yeah she'd grab'd grab me bellend and like just boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Like, you know, like your eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd make it.

Your eye. Because you liked it. Your eye! She'd just, yeah, she'd boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Did she ever put little clothes on it and treat it like a...

Put googly eyes on it at one point. Like a worry dick. I've actually got a picture of me dick with googly eyes on it. What's funny is if she just put one googly eye

it would look like you. For normal life. I believe that because she liked the crafts. Adam, if you show it me, I want it slid in on the episode. I want to see it.

Slid in where? For the audio users, this is Adam looking for a picture of his dick. Adam's looking for a picture of his dick with googly eyes. One of the best podcasts in the UK today. today speaking of do you ever do that circus gig you know the famous one where the with the the story about the uh introduction barry yeah did

you ever do that no i did it and it's just when you said oh the circus and fell into the hay i got a guy out to, you know those... Where was it? Was it in the Lake District? No, it was in, like, a park in Stockton. Right, yeah. So, you know those balls that people stand on and juggle on that look like gym balls?

I said it was a gym ball, and I got a guy out of the crowd, and I bet him a fiver he couldn't kick it across the room. But it's obviously a dead hard ball and he fucking went back he booted it and went that way nearly broke his foot

everyone was like ahhh I was like it's just one of them you know the ones that pregnant women sit on and you can boot them for fucking miles

and he proper like goal it was like a goal kick I can't believe he didn't like just check out he didn't touch it he just fucking ran and hoofed it and went that way.

I'd never seen a man hit that much, go that way, and then go the opposite way. If you're talking about why you love comparing, it's getting men to kick massive balls. Pete was on the sideline because he thought there was going to... The guy was fine, but he thought there was going to be a lawsuit. I've actually found it, but it doesn't look very good on this, so I'm not showing you. Are you fucking kidding?

Oh, come on, lad. Oh, don't do that. I mean, it's a dick with googly eyes on. I'm not showing you it's my dick anyway. Mate. What were you doing then? But what were you doing? Were you just having a look?

I was looking for it, but I'm not showing you. Have you found it? Yeah. You fucking rat. Get your dick out. Get your googly eyed dick out. Where are the eyes? Are they on the bell or on the shaft?

It's a dick with googly eyes on. How good can it look? Come on. Come on. Come on, babe. Don't be shy. I actually can't find it. You liar. You just leave it there. No? No, but you don't see it. Some of our strongest podcasting there.

You talk about circuses that's why I thought oh no my dick looks dead shit there that's why you should have taken another

picture of it that's why I thought I had to run with the circus chat because he was just like yeah thanks dad

really well done mate thanks mate just start a podcast Ryan Blair this is Rybo Rybo so my missus has recently contracted covid i think he might want this to be anonymous i've said his name now my uh missus has recently

contracted covid she's been all right but completely lost her taste and smell and we have all been isolating at home now my bird can be a bit of a prude this has never really bothered me and we've been together since we're 15 going on 15 years now and it's still going strong in the bedroom even after having a kid i can't really complain my missus isn't keen on the taste of jizz so finishing in her mouth is oh beautifully written this sir so finishing in her mouth is a rare occasion during isolation i recently put forward the suggestion of letting me blast in her mouth one night because she can't taste it anyway, but she's still having

none of it. I personally don't think this is fair and she'll be up for further negotiations. I love my Mrs. to pieces, but can you please have a word with her? The issue is very time sensitive as her taste... The issue is very time sensitive as her taste could come back at any time.

So I know... See, I know a lad who got COVID and his first thought was to go and lick his girl's bum hole. Oh. I thought you were going to say taste his own jizz. No. That's the first thing he did when he undertakes

got to text oh shit get your arsehole up girl yeah it was a mate of mine and I know for a fact that he's watching this right now he texts me

said he had COVID because I was I was meant to can I have a clue who it is you'll know I'll tell you in a bit I was meant to collect something from him and he it is. You'll know. I'll tell you in a bit. Was it Ryan? I was meant to collect something from him.

And he was like, oh, you can't, I've got COVID. And he's like, anyway, I'm off to lick my beard's arse because might as well use me like a taste for something. Oh, I know who it is. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. I don't see the thing is, I've not swallowed many loads. Not many. Not many. But I imagine it's more of a the people who don't like the jizz is like you know the people who don't like mushrooms where they claim it's more of a texture thing yeah so that's still going to be there have you noticed that everyone who says

they don't like mushrooms that's the reason they offer you like oh mushrooms oh oh it's a texture thing it's a texture thing you're quite weird with your food though aren't you yeah you don't eat beans is that a texture thing i just don't like thing. You're quite weird with your food though, aren't you? Yeah. You don't eat beans. Is that a texture thing? I just don't like beans. But what is it about them? Is it the flavour or the texture? Have you ever eaten beans? Back in the day.

I've never eaten a baked bean in my life. Yeah, but there's only one person that's more fussy with food than me and it's you. You've never eaten a baked bean in your life? Mate, I was there to witness Dan's first taste of roast beef when he was about 32. You've never had beans on toast? I've never eaten baked beans.

And roast beef, it took you 32 years. I made one of my fucking midnight roasts. Yeah. And I think we were watching the NFL or something. And he was like, you know when you see a kid pushing his food round and he was like, he had a bit of it and he's having some roasts and I was like, is is that alright? And he's like, yeah, I've just

never eaten roast beef. Yeah, my first cheeseburger I was 29. What's going on? He's never had beans either, Finn. Beans are shit though. Like, without sounding like a cunt, if you've grown up never having to eat beans, you wouldn't choose to eat beans.

A lot of the time when i ate beans it was because we had nothing else in when i was when we were poor as kids like now i don't need to eat beans doing all right working class hero don't worry about me i'm not eating beans or nothing so that's it so i'm all right i don't need to eat beans they're not a dream now isn't it mate that live in the beans that's the thing So I'm all right. I don't need to eat beans. It's an American dream there, isn't it? Mate, that's living the beans. That's the thing. I just want to... What do you want to do?

Do you want to have a swimming pool? Do you want to have a big house? A car? I just don't have to eat beans anymore, bro. Later! It was all a dream. I never had to... I was going to be good as well.

I never had to eat the baked beans it was so under pressure that I actually had time to point yeah because all I saw was your eyes like light up I thought Adam had got his dick out his googly eyed dick and I was like oh this is my moment fucking dropped the bars

oh sorry I've got my feet up here can you remember? let's try oh I know Sorry, I've got my feet up here. What is it? Have your feet up, Lord? Squashing again. Can you remember? No. Let's try. Oh, I know. Oh, yeah. Should she swallow his jizz? Yeah.

No. Well, she's got COVID. Like, how do you feel, love? Oh, not good. Why is that? Not good. I can't smell or taste. I know, but time's ticking.

Look, if this is the worst thing that happens to you, 80-year-olds are dying. You've got off lightly. Imagine if it's the cure. My dick could be like Pfizer. Imagine if it was, though. Imagine if she just had a mouthful of jizz and she was like...

Oh my God, I don't like the texture, but I can smell and taste everything. Like when Popeye has spinach. Just have to take your rowy bags to the fucking COVID ward. Adam just bust the door down, knob out, Google his eyes. I'm here to save the day.

So go round all the care homes just bukkake-ing all over. No, you don't want to waste it on them. On their face. I thought you said you don't want to waste it on care homes. I'll be dead soon anyway

that's honestly you only get a bucket and a half I'm not wasting it on fucking Doris I've heard you need a second load give me fucking ten minutes love I think she

yeah I mean you know she's been given a superpower there she can either use it for good or evil. Eat some beans. Do that. Don't taste them while you eat them.

I think it's funny, though, that he's actually... We put the request out and he's within five minutes gone. Oh, it's playing on his mind, isn't it? Fucking brilliant. I need someone. He's obviously been talking to his mates about, like, come on, love. I love you.

You've been together 15 years. Now's the time. What is the about come on love I love you've been together 15 years now's the time what is the thing about like where you finish it's not the portent is it it's the journey no that's not true at all I don't think

I think it's just such a porn thing he's like oh your face your leg that's the difference in people my age and your age and people his age

I just don't care like about there's no way I've watched more porn than this comes there's no way not if he watched the the the uh do we do stories i don't know do you want to oh god oh oh god no it's just it's a story but it's yours it's not my story to tell you probably told it i don't want to about what the triple bin bag. What? Oh. You know, there's an act. Did you come in free bin bags? No. Well, there's an act.

I could literally cure COVID all around the world with triple bin bags. There's an act, an acquaintance of ours, that's famous for watching a lot of porn, and he had to get rid of it. And you said you'd store it for him or something. And you went round, and there was that many DVDs that he had to triple the bin bag

I know exactly who this is you haven't named him but you've told this story yeah well that's why I didn't oh I named him he's not ashamed of it it's Andy Watson yeah but you said like some of the titles you read the titles out and one of them I'll never forget it until my dying day was fuck it like it's hot

it really was I'm not even joking forget it until my dying day was fuck it like it's hot so when we live together this is when i live with barry jason i wonder which story we're gonna tell uh and andy and he he's just such a little porn addict he's like yeah i love it he doesn't care he's got no qualms about it and he's the guy that i i recommended Millennium Lube to and he spilt some on his laminate floor. It never dried and he nearly broke his ankle four times. It's like the worst home alone. Hey, fuck the micro machines off.

Put a bit of Millennium down. Harry and Marv won't know what's hit them. I don't want no more. Yeah, he... At one January, I'd said that I was giving up booze and caffeine and I was just having a proper, like, just being a fucking attention-seeking 25-year-old. I was like, I'm not going to crack one out as well

for the whole of January just to see if I can, just to affect that control of me. And I've never seen a person more confused than he was when at the start of January I was like, yeah, I'm just not going to watch porn, I'm not going to crack one out. He was like, what? I was like, I'm not going to.

He was like, I don't know what you mean. I was like, I just want to see what it would be like to not, I was single at the time, not masturbate for a month. He was like, what? You know when people are like, I'm just going to chop my dick off. He was like, what?

Why would you do that? He was like, I don't get it and then I came home for a gig on about January the 10th and he's he'd been more interested in that than he'd been

interested in me at any point of living together every day he'd be like how do you feel do you feel weird because he cracked four out a day

and then one day on about January the 10th I came back from a gig that I'd been doing and he had gone in my room and taken all of his porn and arranged it around my room in a display

just to wind me up it was the weirdest thing it was funny but looking back it was horrible but I literally walked in and it was like I was in the middle and he'd done it like that so he knew where I'd walk in

and see it so everywhere I looked the front of the DVDs were facing me it was just walking into this weird like control panel

of a spaceship but just with tits and arse and fuck it like it's hot it was so weird I was like Andy is like it's like the funniest thing ever people flew that cheeseburger

past David Blaine when he was in the box we don't get names anymore like funky porn names like you used to with DVDs People flew that cheeseburger past David Blaine when he was in the box. We don't get names anymore, like funky porn names like you used to with DVDs. No. It's just like a very descriptive title now, isn't it? People have realised... Eight midgets, three women, let's see what happens.

Partridge in a pear tree. No, that's never been... Let's see what happens. Eight midgets, let's have fun and get together and see what happens and see how it plans's have fun and get together and see what happens and see how it plans out. No. It's just more like...

It's more search terms now, isn't it? It's more like BBC, Rex, Blonde, Bummo. It's because people have realised that they only need four minutes and not an hour and a half on DVD with different chapters. Yeah. I thought you were going to tell the story about when you walked in and I was having a wank when we lived together. I don't remember that.

You were such a champ about it. You don't remember it? You were such a champ about it. You thought I was away. I was up. I was in my office chair having a little like, you walked in and went,

oh, sorry mate. I realise. And then I went downstairs and I had that awful moment where I was like, ah, Danny Mac walked in. Like, it was just one of those brutal moments.

And you went, ah, who are you Skyping? And I went, I was cracking one out. And you went, yeah, I know you are. Yeah, I just thought I'd give you a get out. I don't really remember that. That's not the story I meant, though, with Watson. It was when he, it wasn't when he left it because i don't remember that he got told that he had to jettison all his porn yeah and you said oh

i'll he was with a girl and and i genuinely like porn and whatever like i'm not like not as much as andy but he was like and he she's told me to get rid of it because he was addicted he had like you know people collect movies yeah it was like you know those programmes on BBC One

with the hoarders yeah he was like the Mr. Trebus of porn I imagine but Rick but everyone's got their porn collection away somewhere he had his in his like

a little DVD rack like I need to know where you know Tits and Ass 9 is next to 8 and he was like i don't want to throw it away so can you look after it like a gun that had been used in a murder

that's when i knew that i was also a wanker was he giving it to you so that he could easily get it back if it yeah i went to shit with him I was his porn safe house yeah and I had no qualms so he wasn't giving you it because this was I didn't have internet this is 2008

and I didn't have internet at that flat initially or whatever I was like yeah great and he came round and he'd had to he couldn't just it was so heavy

there was so much porn he had to you know when people double bag it yeah not for like groceries because you put the yoghurt pot in and it slices it porn you had to you know when people double bag it yeah not for like groceries you put the yogurt pot in and it slices it it's true he'd put three black bin liners yeah and i i think he ended up giving me some porn and i was just like oh it's just the internet was

happening and i didn't use it and i put it in like a bedside table drawer and left it there and about a week after i moved out i was like oh fuck it like it's hot still there so i know and it was his poem was like not it was like women and men have sex it was all the nastiest stuff so some poor who's watching women and men i know but like there's some porn that's very like aren't there isn't she beautiful isn't he a stud don't they respect each other his was like all of anthony's poem like there's some porn that's very like isn't she beautiful isn't he a stud don't they respect each other his was like

all of Anthony's porn was the kind of porn that like 10 years later that porn star is trying to get an injunction to get it deleted you know like

oh my god I'm having kids what if they ever find it and I'd left it'd be a nightmare dad if your mom was a porn star wouldn't it

like I don't want to shame them or anything but that would be ruthless it would be ruthless for the porn star why wouldn't it? Like, I don't want to shame them or anything, but that would be ruthless. It would be ruthless in our school. Why?

Well, yeah, it would. Like, if you were at school and everyone had seen fucking, sorry, didn't think it through. Yeah. I forgot school.

Especially now with phones, your mom getting shagged. We found out my mum's mate shopped at Aldi and we didn't let him live it down. Imagine if she's getting fucking... Before Aldi was cool.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. When you used to get threatened with the Aldi carrier bag. Yeah. When you were naughty, oh, all right, you'll take your pee kit with that. Oh, I'll be good, I'll be good. What's mad is the difference between me and Andy Watson.

One of the many differences is I once gave you a bag of trainers that I had to triple boom bag because there was loads of them in it. That was one of the weirdest things ever. Do you remember that was in Teesside middlesbrough car in a car part we were in a car danny was like this is before we lived together you were like oh mate what size are you i was like size nine so i've got some old converse like that i was wearing plain white converse you were like i've got a few pairs of them you can have them if you want i've got loads of shoes he was like oh yeah it's kind of my thing i buy shoes i've got loads i don't need and i and i have always been fine i'll ebay shoes and whatnot so i had no qualms

i've never known anything like it the same level of the porn in the bin bag out of the boot of a car in teeside and you weren't you you had literally like eight pairs of white converse and you're like yeah yeah i've had a few of them all perfectly wearable you had one pair of polish ferrari like pumas oh yeah yeah polish ferrari pumas they weren't that they were puma mostros i don't know if you remember them they were like a cycling shoe but i know what you it's mad that's the best description of because when i'm a footlocker sorry puma straps yeah but they did like an actual collab with Ferrari, and they looked like they were pit shoes. They were like Puma driver shoes that people used to actually wear.

Mate, they're the kind of shoes that genuinely you, I know, you would have been, you'd have had them for a week and gone, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, well, I wore them. I remember it perfectly. They were Puma Mostro. They were white with a grey, whatever the Puma. What is the Puma thing?

Yeah, it's like a lion's tail, a Puma tail, isn't it? Is that what it is? Is that what it's meant to be? It's a Puma. What, the line? The line. No, the line. The line with the badge.

No, not the badge. The stripe. It's like half a rainbow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, and they were a bit thin because they were a cycling shoe. So, yeah, I was like, I did, I wore them like once

and I was like, nah, these ain't it. They're not for me. Do you know, when I talk about comedians being mental, like we are a bit of a different breed. Do you remember that time when you gave me a bin liner of 28 pairs of size 9 shoes in a car park in Teesside? And we're all sat there going, oh yeah, yeah. What's the matter?

And this is where my psyche is. I remember that exact shoe, wearable, how many times I wore it and how much I paid for it. But I don't remember me walking in on you having a wank. How many pairs of shoes have you got right now? I've got like, you know those tubs that are like that, that you you get that are on wheel like there's two wheels and you lift them up and wheel them yeah i've got four of them full in the attic and then i've got like a a bookshelf like a kallax yeah full of and then i've got a wardrobe with over the wardrobe storage which is full over the wardrobe storage,

which is full. Too many. But I've started painting them now. So, Have you really? The way I painted them in lockdown. Oh my God. You've seen it as well?

But I was doing it first. What's going on? Well, what it is, I don't know, I'm painting their own shoes. What has COVID done? It's one of the coolest comedians. And I paint my shoes. That's a cool thing to do.

Because I've got old shoes. I've got old shoes. And they look beat up. And I didn't realise, because a lot of these shoes I buy, you can only get at that time. You'll know if there's a drop. And then they're 500 quid.

Some fucking prick selling them. Because he queued up for five hours outside. Like trainer touts yeah and I won't do that so what I'll do is say I'll get these I'll paint them all white

these and then I can paint them whatever colours I want right and it just means I don't have to spend 500 dabs on fucking shoes because some guy's got

16 email addresses and a rich mum you've got to get that right haven't you you know otherwise you get it wrong and it doesn't look as cool. Yeah, you can fix it.

It's going to look like someone's... A bit more white on, a bit more blue on. Like someone's cast at school when they break their arm. Will you sign my arm? Yeah. Will you sign my dabs? What I will say is it's a lot easier than I thought it was and the paint goes on a lot better than you think.

Yeah. No, like you couldn't tell if I had a pair that I'd painted, you wouldn't be able to tell, by the way. There might be some, like, I might have gone out the lines or whatever, which you can sort.

But the way the paint goes on, it's the same as the factory. Yeah. It really is. A little bit of fucking... Where are my nonce shoes? You owe me a pair of nonce shoes. Okay.

All right. I did give you them. No, I don't want those ones. I don't want the awful beige Asda fucking reject things that we painted this studio with. If I'm going to wear nonce shoes, I want some nice size nine. What's it?

It's shoes to nonce kids in. Oh. No. No, he wants me to... No, Carl. You've still got them Puma ones I give you. No, Carl. Can we get those out?

I like Ferrari and the kids. That's another no-contacts-have-a-word, isn't it? Let's wrap this bad boy up, shall we, with a have-a-word. Play the theme tune. Is that right? Play the theme tune, sing the theme tune, write the theme tune.

Get the people going. It's provocative. So, Adam, Dave, Sid the Sloth and Finn. Sid the Sloth. Could you please have a word with me? As I don't drink alcohol, never have, I need some advice. Believe me, it's socially, believe me, it's limiting socially and sexually. Being sober at house parties is totally fine, but it does make things like clubs just weird.

And honestly, some of my groups have stopped inviting me to anything involving drinking. house parties is totally fine but it does make things like clubs just weird and honestly some of my groups have stopped inviting me to anything involving drinking the thing is there's no real reason i don't drink besides the taste i just never have i'm 21 have had one short-term relationship have never had any form of sexual anything corona isn't a thing here in western australia shout out western australia and most of my peers are doing pretty well with the ladies uh people always say there is plenty of time and i'm still young but you'll be told that up until the day before you have to do uh before you don't have plenty of time and you just aren't young anymore oh fucking hell mate do i just say fuck it and see

what drinking is like or do I stick to my guns and hope that someone magically falls through the cracks? Because, damn, these wanks are getting aggressive. So, love the pod. It basically says you smash the pod. Start drinking, you fucking pussy! It's easy, isn't it? Just have a fucking bevy.

If all is made to do, isn't it? Yeah. Or find new friends that, like, don't do that. it's easy innit just have a fucking bevy if all his mates are doing it yeah or find new friends that like don't do that but is there any nuance to it or are you just like

I'm a drinker pussy no he just needs to like he needs to either be okay with the fact that they're like oh he's always because I imagine they're not just not inviting him

because he doesn't drink they're inviting him because he's shit when he doesn't drink he's not fun but because he's never drunk then that just means he's just shit yeah so I'd say that the crux of it is that he should work on himself

and maybe develop some sort of personality have a niche yeah you don't need a drink they're like whoa this guy don't drink but fucking he's got a ukulele get some like no you know what i mean like something like that like oh there's bongo's bill. Tell you what. No one wants that guy, don't they? No, I'm just saying, like, in lieu of drinking, there are things you could do. Hey, if he rocks up at a house party with a fucking Diablo, swimming in poo, mate. This is the worst advice.

Listen, you don't have to drink. You just go out with your mates on a stag do, and you can do close-up magic. People love that. Girls love that. girls do love magicians yeah girls love magicians oh yeah they do where's bill oh he's on his way i can hear the segue what up ladies yeah replace it with hardcore drugs yeah is that you didn't say you didn't like drugs get some smack you've never been a big drinker, though, have you? Nah, man. I'm from a...

I know. I'm not competing, but I'm from a family of drinkers. But not proper. I reckon we should have a... No, you'd win. Do you reckon? Well, yeah.

I don't think you're going to win. My family would have to drink yours? Yeah. Okay. Because you've got... Pros. It's called a name. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. I don't mean you can. My family would have to drink yours. Yeah. Okay. Because you've got the trophies. It's called a day. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. I mean, I didn't want to say it because it's not my podcast, but yeah.

She didn't get burned. She is in the ground. So you've got a meeting place where all the others can go and drink. So you've got a meeting place where all the others can go and drink. I think the reason people drink, like, you know, you've got mates that go, all my middle classmates are the ones that hit it the hardest when we were like 20 and that. Because I've grown up in pubs in the way that

my dad used to play Sunday League. So I'd go with him after the match and they'd all be in the pub and I'd be there with an apple ties before they added the R. Made it an apple tizer. And I'd have like a bag of fucking mini cheddars and I'd be with the lads. And I think the main mystique is the getting in

because you've never really seen the inside of a pub. Oh, it's so true. And I think once you know that it's just a fucking room that stinks with some chairs in it, when you get to 17, 16, 17, you're not like, whoa, the pub, it hasn't got that mystique.

It's like, ugh. When I was 17, 18, it was the biggest thing ever because I'd never been in it. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm a sort of half-Iospy in both years because I was sort of raised in the same way as you were, but I wanted to go to the pub.

Yeah, but it's genetic, isn't it? So it's calling you yeah doesn't matter whereas it's i'm lucky that i've not got that family piss head gene because my dad has got a weird like he hasn't drunk for ages like he won't drink for months but then he'll fucking disappear for a weekend like come back fucking throw the dog at the wall wake up monday and be like oh soz and not drink again for 18 months. Like, but it's there, do you know what I mean? And all my family were drinkers.

Where does he go? Just into the hills. No, the pub. Oh, right, okay. To find a dog. And he'll come back. Just every year and a half. Every now and again, he'll just go missing.

Like, not missing, but like, he'll come home late, and he'll be out early so he doesn't have to look my stepmum in the eye. Like, it's weird. But he doesn't do it now because he's old but that's what he used to do and all my family my grandad was on it

all my uncles were on it and because pardon me because I've seen it I've never been that arsed about it and also I have I've drunk enough

to know that it's not amazing so I've not never had it so I'm like I've had it and I know what a hangover's like and I know it's fine

the night out's fine but I also know that I could only do one of them pissy nights like once every month or whatever so that's why I never and because I do what I do

as well and we do like we're always driving so you can't really do that I'll just have a few oh there's nothing sadder than the guys who are good comics

and treat gigging like a pub yeah there's nothing sadder than the guys who are good comics and treat gigging like a pub yeah it's like it is it is a venue you're right and the staff are friendly and they will give you some beers it's not a piss up like don't get me wrong we've all had i've had beers at gigs and everything when you've got your feet under the table you're a regular you're comparing towards the end but like it's the people who are on like the second beer as the first section closes you know like saturday night but some some of the guys at compared baby blue it's not an easy gig to compare you have to be sober they're fucking steaming you're like behave also i will say this i think the i don't know whether this is the place for like in-depth comedy psyche chat

they love it oh yeah they love it but because those guys remember the the fucking golden age when you could make 100 grand a year off the circuit and then the money sort of stagnated where you wasn't really earning that money and you wasn't really earning the profits that you were then that's when the free drinks tokens become a thing so they sometimes they're drinking to get their fucking money's worth, honestly. Because I'm like, this gig, I used to be able to earn 500 quid. Now I can only earn 400 quid, so I'm making sure I get me free beer. So they don't even want to drink come a lot of the time. Can I swap this for a bottle of wine?

And take it home. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you feel up. I mean, I used to do that at Baby Blue because I like gravy. So I used to get gravy. That's what I used to call it at Baby Blue because I like gravy so I used to I used to get that's why I used to call it can I have a bottle

of gravy wine and Carla get me a bottle of red wine and I'll take it home for me what do you reckon for this kid though at 21

like I like Adam's basically said it in a more harsh way but I think he's built up a bit of a thing about alcohol he's got no reason to be like he's built it up as like a thing about alcohol. He's got no reason to be, like, he's built it up as like a thing,

like, oh, don't do it, oh, what will happen? And he's liking it. These are two separate issues. His virginity and alcohol are not the same thing. Like, don't build either up too much, but definitely don't drink the booze. It's like super bad, this, the way he's just like having the big house party. What I would say,

don't build up the booze too much. Try and be serious. Is that what, it's hard in Western Australia or any of Australia because you can't just go magaluf and you can't now anyway. But what I'd suggest

is like a holiday normally sorts this sort of, this type of person out. Get a prostitute. Well, not just a prostitute. I don't mean that, but I mean they're on... Adam's like, yeah, I'm bored of this. Get a prostitute I don't mean that but I mean they're on Adam's like yeah I'm bored of this

get a get a brass get a brass get some eggs swat them up there but it's like a neutral ground isn't it

it's like an away game so he can come back and forget nothing you know like that whole cliche of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

he could do that in Bali or wherever they have to go because it's fucking miles away from anywhere and sort of drinking that and then if he doesn't like it come back and he's still got his life in australia without the alcohol so that if i'm trying to be serious i'd suggest maybe that i just think yeah go away dan's right but just separate your virginity from alcohol because you're setting yourself up for a fall if you're like should i just get drunk and then try it on with a girl you're setting yourself up for a fall if you're like should I just get drunk and then try

it on with a girl you're like nowadays that is a dangerous prospect mate if you think you have to be pissed to crack on with a girl and you've never drunk before and you're like I'm hammered but this seems like the right night to try it on you're like you're going to end up in a tricky spot. I actually think Dan's first suggestion of get

get a thing have a be a you know, get a Cobra I mean I was joking I was partly joking about the Diablo and the Bongos, but then if that is your thing, then you find other people you go on thebongos.com you go on the Bongos forum

get a ukulele, there you see it is cool, get a thing and then you've got something in common that is an alcohol with other people and you can chat about your cobra yeah and then that'll you'll meet someone

that you like there koala bear if you don't want a cobra koala because he's Australian yeah so he could have a koala yeah

yeah that'll go down well in Australia he'll be the only the only virgin with chlamydia a hyena in Australia yeah a hyena in Australia

yeah yeah loads of hyenas loads of hyena in Australia? Yeah. A hyena in Australia? Yeah. Yeah? There's loads of hyenas in Australia. Loads of hyenas in Australia? There is. An indigenous animal in Australia, is it? The hyena? Yeah. Yeah. It is. The Australian hyena? Yeah. 100%?

Dingo, I'm thinking of. Ah! There you go. You're thinking of Dingo, aren't you? He's back in the room. Different animal, isn't it? No, elephant. No, get a dingo then. Whatever. Any sort of rabbit. Rose just watched Madagascar and he thinks animals can just get on a plane. Get a King Julian.

They're dead good. Yeah, no hyenas in Australia, but there are dingoes. Exactly. No, thanks for pulling that up. Get several dingoes. Adam's gone. We're not the Nolans.

He's got his tolerance for this. Take a dingo. Get a dingo. Fuck a girl. Get shit-faced. Go's gone. We're not the Nolans. He's got, his tolerance for this is gone. Take a dingo to the pub. Get a dingo, fuck a girl, get shit-faced, go to Bali, fuck a prozzie, with eggs,

get a ukulele, fuck a ukulele. It sounds good to me. It sounds like a great week. Tell me that's a bad week. That's what's stuck to. I think maybe what he needs to do is,

first of all, two issues here. There's the drinking here there's the drinking and there's the sex thing I don't think a prostitute is necessarily a bad idea if he can go to a foreign country or find an Australian one

it is though mate it's grim as fuck don't lose your V-plates he's 21 who wants to lose the virginity to a sex worker no

come on what a bleak way er what you didn't I didn't no why did you do that yeah that looks it's funny wasn't it I think if he's 21 what a bleak way what you didn't I didn't no why did you do that

yeah that looks it's funny wasn't it I think if he's 21 and it hasn't happened yet why doesn't he just do it well it's a heebie jeebies a brothel no he's the sex worker

yeah I was the sex worker she's just been in the toilet or cubicle or you know there's a window heebie jeebies Amsterdam

chipping pin he needs to lose his virginity ASAP and get the monkey offers back. Does anyone want to do a joke about fucking a monkey? Okay, good. And the drinking one either needs to start drinking

or, you know, cobras, koalas, bongos. Find someone with a similar interest. Remember when we went to Amsterdam and we're both pussies and we don't do drugs or sleep with prostitutes, so we we went to Amsterdam and we're both pussies and we don't do drugs or sleep with prostitutes so we just went to the zoo?

I can't. We went to Amsterdam for not just a night, four days. Was it four? I thought it was like two nights. Wasn't it three days?

No, it was two nights, I think. We had one weed muffin or half. No, not even that. I think I heard like it was like

the equivalent of a rollo yeah and I got a quote off a prostitute that was so you got a quote mate he went up

he went up it was like come in love have a look at the damage no he went in I remember it he's like

knocked on the little wits and he went how much and she went thank you very much and then she shut the door and it was like mate you like it was so funny i just got a prize 45 euros i just wanted to see what happened what was 45 euros for though i don't know we didn't stick we were we were both nearly 30 years old one of my mates has slept with a red light one of your mates oh here we go here we go

45 euro is missionary and if you want anything extra you've got to tip them a little bit how long how long have you got

I don't I'm not actually that sure genuinely it's not me it's my mate if he put it in her bum while in missionary oh

it's rape no it's not like if it's a prostitute and he says oh god Adam you're in really choppy water. Like, if it's a prostitute and he says... God, Adam, you're in really choppy water here, mate. No, if he's, like, kind of put it in your bum and she says, yeah, is that more? No, that's...

Yeah, OK, there you go. That's the wording we were looking for there. Yeah, yeah. It goes on the bill at the end, like, you know, the Indian when you don't realise you're paid for poppadoms. You think they're free? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!

You're charging me for licking a nip! The audience! You have to pay for them! I thought they'd come with the poppadoms! I am not joking. I remember more the walk around the Vincent Van Gogh Museum, and in that park, and we were such fannies. Yeah, that's what I mean!

We, like, went and we just... Was it just you two? Yeah. Yeah. It was good, but we didn't do anything that people go to. That's why it was funny. We did do one thing. Oh, we did?

We went to a sex show. Yeah, and it was like... And we sat there. This is the saddest thing ever. We sat there doing it, which is the least sexy thing ever. Yeah. And after about two minutes of being in there,

they were fucking, and you were like, oh yeah, this isn't sexy. It's really boring. And me and Danny were like, great room for comedy though. Yeah. That's literally what we did.

Look at the sight line. Yeah. We just spent the whole time going, oh, lovely. All you'd have to do is move that spinning podium

she's getting fucked on, put a stage there and then we were just like. That's our wife, honestly, you do a preview in here. That's all we did round Amsterdam.

That was the, that was the, the most Amsterdam thing we did. Yeah. Would you go to another sex show if you went back? No, it's shit. Oh, it's so, that's all we did round Amsterdam that was the that was the the most Amsterdam thing we did yeah would you go to another sex show if you went back no it's shit

oh it's so not it's you just go in and you're like this is so unsexy but it's a spinny thing

you can see every angle yeah it was on a spinning but it was it's dead slow it was like it was like we were in like a theatre

it was like a proper theatre it was a lovely theatre I am not joking it was like the Epstein it's a great room for comedy when joking it was like the Epstein it's a great room for comedy when I say that I mean the Epstein theatre I'm just talking about sex shows in the Epstein

I don't mean the island it was like a theatre and it was fucking beautiful like the Epstein theatre like there was like the raked yeah it was beautiful

but the sex was boring great great sight lines. No, no, no. It's just like, basically, it's a tourist trap. It's one of them things where you go to places that they do it, they put it on because they know people will just want to do it

so they say they've done it. Yeah. So it doesn't even have to be good because they know people only want to do it so they can say they'd... Like, the Empire State Building is fine people only, no it's not it's fine, people only do it so they can say they've done it

that's all it is and it's like that we went up at midnight beautiful, we went to the sex show at a similar time would you go in a wank booth? yeah, at the Empire State Building you would go in a wank booth do you know Of the Empire State Building? You would go in a wank booth. Do you know like city sight lines like that sort of turn me on?

Is that why you always come on the M56? The run call from there? It's the power plant. The Stamway. Stamlow. No, I like a little like, not like seeing like the, is it called the Skyline?

Yeah. Yeah. City Skyline. The Cityscape the piano city skyline fucking Stromboli with Geppetto there like

um Danny Mac tell everyone about the damn Daniel I've got a podcast called the damn Daniel podcast uh on wherever

you get your well Spotify and Apple the people podbean I don't know if they do yeah I don't know how do they we're hosted on podbean we're hosted on podbean

but I don't know if people go there to listen I to listen so you get it on any of your yeah any of your podcasts seems to be on youtube yeah on youtube as well just instagram uh twitter yeah it's good we got a few there's a few people that you've put like come because of this yeah that you've put told people yeah you'll come over. They'll definitely come over. Appreciate that. Today's been a cracker. Shout out Jamie Moores. Oh, yeah, Jamie. Keith Gaydon. Oh, yeah.

He's an OG. Yeah. So, the Damn Daniel Pod, at the Damn Daniel Pod on Twitter. I think they're all podcast, yeah. It's either Damn Daniel Pod or Damn Daniel Pod. Go and have a little look. Why don't I just check it, then?

Danny, it's been an absolute pleasure, my friend. Have we got any housekeeping that we need to do? We are going to do a Have A Word pub quiz. We're not going to do a lockdown lock-in in February. We're going to change it up because Sensei Carl's quiz has become people's favourite bit of the lockdown lock-ins. My kidneys and liver need a break. So we are going to do a patron-exclusive pub quiz.

At some point mid-February. It will be out in and around the same time in February that the lockdown lock-in was out in January. So patreon.com

slash have a word pod. If you're not already signed up to the patron, we have one of the best patrons in the game. We've now got the two infamous lockdown lock-ins up there.

An exclusive episode every Wednesday. They've been going up since the start of May 2020. And also, if you're not already a Patreon, you won't really understand that us doing this pub quiz, like, you'll see on Twitter and stuff

that our Patreons will be getting excited about it because it's not like a normal pub quiz. The questions that Carl comes up with are absolutely ridiculous. What was the one from the lock-in? The whole round was Osama bin Laden or Eamon Holmes. Yeah. Fucking genius.

Go and check out Danny Mac's podcast, The Damn Daniel Pod. Their Twitter is at Damn Daniel Pod, and I imagine the Instagram is the same. Thanks, Laird. Thank you. Cheers for having us. And we'll have some new merch coming soon. That's on haveawaypod.com.

My stand-up special club comic is closing in on 100,000 views. Go and check that out. cheers for having us and we'll have some new merch coming soon that's on haveawaypod.com my stand up special club comic is closing in on 100,000 views go and check that out I've got some stuff on ebay and anything else

I've got a very good Ferrari a puma a good a very thin good for go-kart bye Felicia bye