Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #106 with Pete Otway - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. Hello, Father. Here I am at Camp Granada. That's Moist. Simpsons. What's that? It's just been banging around my head. I have had some of the weirdest fucking tunes banging around my head recently.

And that's one of them. Hello, mother. And also, it's amazing how you... Fucking awful, the jukebox in my head. I followed a girl on Instagram because she came up. I was just watching some reels, which is, as we know, is their Instagram's version of TikTok, I suppose. Her name is Natalie Burdick, and she just does these weirdly

catchy comedy songs. You know like Tom Taylor is a comic on the UK circuit who does very short, funny songs. Little ditties. Well, she's doing that. But you can't get them out your head. And they're all sort of in this style. So have a little listen.

Did you know that in space you pee into a vacuum hose and it's sucked through a tank and it flies past the window? They're all sort of in this style, so have a little listen. I love it. Is that what's been banging around your head? Yeah. I mean, I can see it getting retweets and likes, but it's not necessarily what you want stuck in your fucking mind. Oh, no, and the Taco Bell one. It always bums me out when I'm sitting in the drive-thru line and I see they've taken down the sign. Let's give her some love. Watch she. Watch him start watching the live versions of it

and knowing every word. Adam's obsessive nature. Oh, you think there's going to be a live version of that? Yeah, yeah. Glastonbury. Adam driving back from Blackpool, missing a junction and ended up in Stoke

because he's watching the Taco Bell Instagram girl. Her name is Natalie Baird. B-U-R. Dick! Yeah. That's how you remember it. So that's what's been in your head.

Yeah. Hello, murder. Hello, father. You are getting off the Simpsons, aren't you? that's how you remember it so that's what's been in your head yeah hello murder hello father you are getting off the simpsons aren't you yeah I think that's where it's from the episode we're in but Rob's from the store

spoilers spoiler alert sorry guys if you're watching it in order I mean you are 28 years behind fucking I might start

the simpsons from the start. I've been thinking it. Watch it in order. Yeah, don't do that. Start from season two or three. No, you should start about three, yeah. One's a bit scratchy, isn't it? There's some classics.

The Christmas one's a classic from season one. But that's the first episode, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Because it's a classic. Yeah, it is a classic, but if it was in season nine 9 it wouldn't be a classic no

no it's just the first yeah I think it peaks about season 11 how many is that and they there's about 40 it's fucking ridiculous

in 2002 they should have taken the Simpsons round the back like old yellow and shot it in the fucking head because it was

done Simpsons is like yellow Coronation street then in it yeah i don't think coronation street ever hit the heights that simpsons did for me for me um but they tried matt graining tried to didn't he matt graining tried to say what i don't groaning that's great it's groaning. It's groaning. Is it? It's spelled groaning. Yeah. We'll just say it like that then.

Good stop. Good stop. Is it a gilet or a gillet? Depends if you want to look like a retard. Or is it retard? Or tard. It's actually a person with special needs. All right.

Don't say retard anymore. Do you not? It's very offensive to the retarded community. It's upsetting for you, isn't it? To the to the retard it's a joke he did a little joke there carl yeah but matt graining actually asked to end it and fox were like no you know because it makes us 15 million dollars an episode so why don't you just keep making it he was like but i don't want to make it he was like okay well why don't we give keep making it? He was like, but I don't want to make it. He was like, okay, well, why don't we give you this much fucking money every episode? And they were like, oh, all right.

You know, we've been in talks with 20th Century Fox about them buying Hathaway. I know we haven't really told all this. No, no, no. I mean, a lot of people thought it'd be Spotify, but randomly it was a major film and television distributor that we're going to get into podcasting. UK run corn based podcasting

because Murdoch he's fucking wily like that well I'm just wondering like let's say you know Fox

Fox yeah I saw the email 20th century Fox 20th century Fox owned by Murdoch yeah who owns the sun yeah

no no it's not owned by we didn't get the email from him though on the email it said he's about to sell it to someone who doesn't own. I got him in the weeds on that one.

Sorry. I know, I know. It's a Jedi buying it. Jedi's buying it. Steven Gerrard's buying 21st Century Fox. 20th. Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

That's a Futurama thing as well. Right, get us on the rails. What are you on about? Yeah, so we got an email yesterday, me and Kyle. We deleted it before you seen it. Yeah, okay. Because we didn't want you getting too excited. No. With the baby on the way. Yeah so we got an email Yes I mean Carl We deleted it Before you seen it Yeah okay

Because we didn't want you Getting too excited No With the baby on the way No You know what I mean Totally What in case my waters break

I know I'm put on weight With the surgery you've got to have On your thing On my dick Yeah To sew it back in Because it's never been used again Yeah

And I've had that in writing From my wife Yeah so We don't get too excited But I'm telling you now okay because we can monetize

your exactly surprise surprise hey get a party proper woo so 20th Century Fox

got in touch and basically they said they want to they want to buy this office yeah they're not going to raise any money up front

but it's going to be great exposure they're going to get us an interview in the sport the daily sport right right

right next to some obviously if it grows medical tits if we drain the swamp dry of humour and we're just sat here looking at each other

like I fucking hate this cunt and he's not funny I mean we're getting close it's pretty obvious we're getting close if that happens yeah

how much would they have to offer? Pay a month for us to keep going. Two grand? Oh, it depends who it's for. So if Spotify come along, you'd be like, I don't think my price is dead high

to go with an exclusivity deal and a cool sort of, they're not a broadcaster, but it's the sort of modern equivalent, isn't itth century fox i'd be slightly dubious like if channel five came up with like hello we think your podcast is very good we're channel five and we want to buy it and we want it to be a channel five podcast i'd be like oh I don't trust you because you're what do you call the community retarded yeah yeah yeah

so yeah Fox 20th Century Fox we could go on between Neighbours and Home and Away though Home and Away

Have a word Neighbours let me be the nut so yeah 20th Century Fox I'd be interested to see but I love it how you in your head were like

no money up front i think i'd like a little bit you know matt graining was like i don't want to do it anymore and they went what about 15 million dollars an episode he was like all right adam row yeah good exposure that daily sport seems legit i'm just wondering what would it take for us to sell out because we spoke privately about this because you know this thing has been doing well and we've had the odd whisper from the odd production company we really like what you're doing and we'd really love to

come in and ruin it we could really see you somewhere else without us putting any money behind it just now but we want to blow some smoke up your arse and then do very little about it how do you feel about that, guys? Suspicious.

But, like, let's say a big company, like, let's say there was a comedy channel called, like, The Centre of Comedy or something like that, right? Yeah. And it's, like, channel 117 on Virgin. Yeah. Something like that.

Doesn't he get fucked? He fucks himself with the details. Like, he's like, it's on 117. It's the centre of comedy. That's because that's Comedy Central's number on Virgin Media.

Oh, right. I didn't know what he was talking about. You ruined it. I bought that. What? I thought he just made

something up. Oh, okay, good. I thought you were just getting lost in the weeds again. I was doing jokes that you didn't get

because you're not on my level. Again, it's just a pleasure to witness such a high-level broadcaster. You know? So let's say the centre of comedy, new channel. New channel. Right. Do you think they'd be on a different number then?

No, because Comedy Central's dead, mate. Oh, right. Okay, good. Could have just been Comedy Central. Now we're seeing that high-level joke. It could have been Comedy Central. Go on. So they come in and they go,

right, we want to make, have a word, a late-night Comedy Central show. You'll have to stop doing the pod, but you get to do one a week. It won't be series. It'll be like a permanent fixture, like matching a day, right? Can I stop you there?

Yeah. I'm not stopping the pod. Right. If one of these guys comes in 10 million starts like what yeah i'm stopping the park i didn't know i didn't know we're doing that i think we know we're doing that that's what i'm trying people at comedy central like fuck me we got a. Yeah, but I'm just wondering what would your price be for it to stop the pod and we just do once a week on Comedy Central? I don't want to fucking ruin the pod.

They can, like, if someone comes in and starts, they can buy the brand and let us do a TV version of it. But they're not messing with the original. I'm very wary of having something that's gone so well and is so much fun and is now paying all my fucking bills at a time when comics are like working in iceland i'm very wary of fucking with what we do and like however many

levels it goes to and however many more people watch or become patrons we've said this just got to keep it in the room it's got to be like mates chatting like on the very first pilot that we did a year and a bit ago we said if we talk to each other and it's interesting and funny if we make each other laugh it'll work and that's what we've got to keep simple i like the idea of someone coming in and going we see it as this and maybe we could do some production of that but if they ban us from doing the original thing I think that we're screwed yeah I think that a tv company god bless comedy central they do some great work and I see some stuff on the internet about comedy central like like oh my god fucking schultz is it akash absolutely hounded them didn't they when they heard there might have been

some jobs gone at like the American HQ but I actually enjoy a lot of what Comedy Central do but they can't fuck up

and I will work for them again yeah but they can't fuck up the thing yeah because we made it my question is what is your price for them to do that

they haven't they haven't got the money they haven't got the money so They haven't got the money. So if they gave us a quarter of a million each, you'd say no? Well, you'd have a consideration, wouldn't you? But is this company worth more in the next five years than a quarter of a million each?

Because if they take it, and then sneaky lawyers, they've got the rights, because let's be honest, we're not details guys, really, are we? So they're like, oh shit, that didn't really do it. Passing Finn the contract. Have a look over that one i've gotta go i've got a fucking table i know you've got coffee on the fucking contract i'm sure it's sound four episodes later comedy central don't have a word and we're not involved there's a disabled woman and eshan Akbar hosting.

Should have read the fucking contract, lads. Fucking outfit. Yeah. I think we've just got to stay doing it in this cupboard in Runcorn, haven't we? See, that joke, that joke, it's not going to be allowed on Cupboard Attempts, is it? So let's keep it in the place where we get to do that joke it's not going to be allowed on comedy so let's keep in the place where we get to do

that joke however i i like the idea of like someone coming and doing the exclusivity like three shots of tequila have got i think that sound because that means that someone's gone we rate you we want to help you get bigger but we think you your brand should just be on our station or like app or whatever and as long as all of the people that listen to it now can still get that for the price that we've got it free or patreon then yeah i'd be into that where do your models stop with that though like what company do you know what i mean like let's say a new app comes out and it's run by isis right yeah what's it called? ISIS podcasts.

It's called Halal A Word. It's time to Halal A Word with Ahmed and Dave. Starting jihad. You've already got the ask. But like Would you go on Isis' streaming network?

No I think it might be Quite damaging to my fanbase I don't know Fanbase I don't reckon it would be Do you not? I think it would be noteworthy I would go on theirs

Before I went on one For the newspaper We don't talk of It would be a really Unusual move Really 100% 100% Yeah 100? 100% 100%

100% 100% If it came to a choice between the two I'm not saying I would jump at the opportunity To board the ISIS boat But if it was like It either stops or we go with ISIS then

Listen lads We we got a new producer in he's a bit grumpy but he's very good at video messages he's done them for years yeah we think you can get out of studio get into a cave just north of islamabad that'd be sick you'd all yeah yeah it'd be sick i'd love to go to northern pakistan southern afghanistan made up a new country that just sounded vaguely it's smart though because there's no racism it's not real yeah yeah i fucking hate afghanistanis if isis said they wanted six months of you doing podcasts so they got big in the west again for five mil i I mean, yeah.

Do we have to put ISIS propaganda on it? Like, death to the West? Or are we trying to rebuild their image? So is it like sort of, hey, you know like after World War II

when Germany were like, we're not Nazis anymore. You know, we've got water parks and that now. Now the sound. Is that what ISIS... That's a direct quote. That's a direct quote.

Read your history guys 1946 Germany Can't decide if it was east or west Probably west We're like Lads We're not fucking Nazis anymore

We've got water parks We're sound If ISIS were trying to do that They've got a new manager He's built up Like he's worked for They've got a new manager New manager yeah

Sam Allardyce has come in Yeah Cause they've got a new manager new manager yeah Sam Allardyce has come in yeah because because ISIS have been on the ropes yeah they've been lower and they just need you know

they need stability they don't want to go the way Al-Qaeda did do you know what I mean Al-Qaeda one hit one death really Al-Qaeda are definitely like Portsmouth aren't they

they want to be more like they won a cup now they're in administration yeah they want to be like wolves who came up a cup now they're in administration. Yeah. They want to be like wolves who came up strong. They want Allardyce in. Weird analogy.

But yes. Right. ISIS got a new manager. Right. And they're like, they come to us and they go, look, Pod's flying. You're doing well. In that accent? I bought me- Oh, look, the new manager of ISIS is from West Derby.

Fucking flying. Fucking flying lad. Lad. Jaddy Jeff? My name is Hassam Ladd a la fucking Purple Ben. Right. Hassam Ladd a la fucking Purple Ben. Hassam Ladd a la fucking Purple Ben. And I'm the new manager Of fucking

ISIS Right They come to us and they go Vodka's flying Doing very well It's doing well in Russia Very very good I am Muslim

From I don't know how to do an ISIS accent There isn't one They're all wrong But that's more wrong. Hello, men. Fuck, I can't do your podcast. Oh my God.

That's Dracula with throat cancer. Give him some fucking morphine. They come to us and they go, look, we've done some bad things, you know, all the terrorism and the murder and stuff yeah you know what i mean but yeah we um we're very aware that you know there's we we've got sponsors you know this company makes money and we want to keep it that way

we want to stop the murder and that we want to use have a way to promote our new ideology which is peace all over the world yeah um but like with just a little bit of islam you know what i mean yeah so we want to use 10 creative control yeah no like they just they just want like you know we have ad breaks we have three ad breaks per episode don't we yeah they want to like double the size of those ad breaks, but they get an extra bit in each one for us to promote their stuff. So you're going to do an ad read for ISIS? Yeah. Can you give me a flavour? Yeah, let me just get out of the way.

Adam into the middle. Can you just give me a... I can't. Luckily, I'm not good at ad reads. Okay. So as you'll know from the episode, if you're just watching, just throughout this episode, Adam's done the new 4K ad reads. I am a spanner when it comes to ad reads.

I can read it. I can read the paragraph. And then I'm like, guys, beer 52 is for beer. And then I'm out. But it's worked out really well because now Adam is about to do a fake 4K advert read for ISISis so let's do that or maybe i hear that right can i just say what you said before you just you were like you know because of islam and stuff i'd separate isis from islam you know because they're fundamentalist terrorists yeah but there's a load

of muslims are like they're cunts they're not yeah they are but they still their ideas are still based from Islamic scripture aren't they yeah they still think they're Muslims let's separate

yeah but for the banter let's separate it it's the same way that like you know Liverpool fans don't like lads

who wear the home shirt to the match but the people who do wear the home shirt to the match they still consider

themselves Liverpool fans it's just like that it's exactly like that you know but with more death and torture

like ISIS are wolves aren't they yeah but you've got to remember this is a new message from them so what's happening guys this week's episode is brought to

you with what's happening guys I go infidels what's happening infidels no because they don't they're not doing that anymore oh they're changing new new idea With what's happening, guys. I go infidels. What's happening, infidels? Go on. No, because they're not doing that anymore. Oh, they're changing.

New, new, new ideology. All on you, baby. What's happening, guys? This week's episode is brought to you by the under new management, ISIS. Now. Go on. It's very hard for me to do that bit while you're all sat there. Oh, you actually wanted me to move, right?

No, no. You stay exactly where you are, but shut up. What's happening, guys? This week's episode is brought to you by the under-new management, ISIS. Now, they've been terrorists before, but now they're preaching unity. They don't want death to the West anymore. Life in the West, but don't have a bacon butty. Let's get back to the pod.

See? 10% This is just for your career. Just thought it'd be apt. There you go. Just a little bit Would you ever convert to Islam? That hat makes it look like he would After that advert

I'm thinking about it Like if they sort of tone down their Nah I'm alright But what if like I don't want to convert to fucking United reformism You know what I mean If I'm not I don't want to convert to fucking united reformism you know what I mean if I'm not it's just a shit church of the

you know it's a Christian church I don't want to convert to like the church of England so no on Islam why? because I'm not into organised religion I would

if you just shut them up for a bit yeah why because they're do you think that would shut them up

if you converted to Islam yeah like the poor fans wanting to centre it

off the Islam's one Adam yeah yeah they want a podcaster you know

I could host their whole network I could introduce the beheading videos oh mate again

it's the Islam and the ISIS thing no I mean for them I'd host their whole network. I could introduce the beheading videos. Oh, mate, again. It's the Islam and the ISIS thing. No, I mean for them. You know what I mean? They're the ones recruiting me. They're second of it. You've really got to separate those two things in your mind and on the pod. You can't be like, would you convert to Islam?

You know, because of the beheading. Shut the fuck up. No, okay. Would you join ISIS is what I mean. What? Would you join ISIS is what I mean. Right, good. Yeah. Fucking hell, that's actually made me blush.

And Finn. I love that a hundred and odd episodes in, I've found something that can make Dan nervous. No, because it's- Considering the amount of shit we've said. I know, but it's the way, like the Islam Muslims are not that, considering the amount of shit we've said. I know, but it's the way, like, the Islam Muslims are not that.

No, they're not. I know. And I'm not saying they are. No, but you kind of did, Adam. No, it's like, you know, the way, like, here we go. Not all Leave voters are racist, but all racists voted Leave.

Right. Not all. Oh God, please be careful. Don't say this next line. Just please be careful. Let's pretend it's bullshit. Go on.

Not all Muslims behead people in the name of Islam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone who beheads people in the name of Islam consider themselves a Muslim. Is that not right?

Is that not right? You tell me i'm wrong go on tell me yeah i'm wrong i mean yeah you're right but you didn't have to be yeah but uh yeah if it goes to v.a.r i'm on side and we forgot this is a public episode i think we might have. Fucking hell. It was already dodgy. And then it was weirdly like, would you convert to Islam? You're like...

Channel 5, though. I'd be up for that. After this conversation, now that ISIS have been on the table, I think Channel 5 will be like, we can put you on a little bit really good. I'd be up for that. Do you know what I was wondering?

What is your favourite colour? What are you doing? I'm just trying to get it back on track. Trying to meek and mild it. I spoke to my grandad yesterday. I speak to him every day because he doesn't want to pay for carers anymore, which is a bold move when you're 95

and you need carers. I don't think I need carers at the start of the lockdown that bullshit one in november he was like oh i don't want to pay for these carers anymore so because of covid we're going to cancel them and my dad went along with him so i ring him every morning and uh it's a painful, I love him. He's my granddad, but he's 95. And every morning we have to have a conversation where he's like, hello. I'm like, you all right? Basically, what's not being said is,

have you died in the night? And he's like, no, I've not died in the night. And we could just leave it there. But it happens to be like, you all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Bit boring, isn't it? Did you see the United result? Oh, pressing north end.

And he has, a bit boring, isn't it? Did you see the United result? Oh, pressing North End. And he, for some reason, just clocked on to me earning a living from podcasting. And we talked for like two minutes every morning. And then yesterday, he started asking about podcasting and we talked for 17 minutes. And it was the weirdest conversation as I explained what YouTube and podcasting was to a 95-year-old who sold oil

from the point of like the, after the Second World War right through to like the late 80s. Has he got banky, Grandad? No, no, he's not a sheik. A sheik? A sheik. A sheik.

Sheik. Yeah, he hasn't got like a well in his garden. Do you not know? My granddad lives in Kuwait. So what did he wear? An SOGallon? He just was an oil salesman. Like went around the northwest.

Like chip pans and that? Selling oil to garages and stuff. Yeah. He sold chip pan oil. And I had to explain. Ventilite. Yeah. and i i had to explain yeah i had to explain to a really old dude that we sit here and make our living talking bullshit and point it on the internet he was like so how does it i don't

understand you put it on the computer and then from the computer it goes on to like yeah youtube it's like a channel so you watch it on the television i was like no but it's like that and then in the end he was like you watch it on the television yeah yeah you do but he means a tv channel yeah yeah so i would have had to explain smart tvs to a 95 year old and that's not gonna fucking happen is it no and then in the end it just got down to and how often do you do it i was, two afternoons a week. And he paused, and I could hear in that pause, he wanted to say, fuck off.

It was this amazing moment where he worked his balls off, served in the Navy, spent a fucking age in his life working his dick off. And then I'm here in a pandemic talking to my scouse mate on a fucking YouTube show that he doesn't understand for two afternoons a week doing perfectly well. beautiful moment where i could tell he wanted to just be like do you want to get him on as a guest oh that would be that would be quite painful did he he's not a vet as you know he didn't go to the war he was uh i mean a veteran not like a

veterinarian he was 16 when the war is that a conscription or when it ended hang on when did it end was he 95 he's 95 so he was how old was he

when the he would have been 15 he was born in 1926 so he'd been yeah so how old would he have been 19 18

he'd have been old enough for a conscription then yeah was he a conscientious object no he wasn't he just didn't go he just didn't go just didn't get deployed 19, 18. He'd have been old enough for conscription then. Yeah. Was he a conscientious object then? No, he wasn't. He just didn't go. He just didn't go.

Just didn't get deployed. He was in the Navy for two years, just never got deployed. And then after the war, they sort of like went down the gears with all the armed forces. And he spent some time in like Scotland in the 1st or 4th,

but he never saw any action. And his brothers were in the war. Do you know? They were dying to go. If you, if it's just too young, basically. If World War kicked off now,

I'm not talking like sort of a bullshit fucking Iraq where, you know, we sort of get strong arm and then to go and I'm talking there's a genuine

malevolent, malevolent? Malevolent, yeah. Malevolent, like Hitler-esque China problem. Yeah. Yeah yeah it's going to be china in it right and it kicks off and we all get fucking you know we all get picked you know they do captains and each we all get picked that's how it happened back in the day yeah right

used to be numbers didn't it so it sort of was like in vietnam in vietnam they televised televised the draft like the most they really did they tell us the draft oh yeah yeah in my head i'm like the nfl draft got a shirt it's great to be part of this organization with the first pick of the 1970 Vietnam draft. The 8th infantry pick, Trayvon. But they pick you, right? We all get picked. But the way it's working this time around.

How depressing was that? Rummaging like, and who else is fucked? But you get to pick what you do. Right. So, because none of us are qualified, we haven't been trained. We're going to war next week. So it's like, Dan. Yeah. Do you want a tank, a machine gun, a grenade? Yeah.

Right. I'm really good at admin. I think I could be one of those guys. No, no, no. No, come on. I'm in the emails. I'm sorting the prep out. We will need that, actually.

Thank you. Okay, it's not frontline, but it's essential. We could do the Robin Williams thing from Good Morning Vietnam We can do the radio show Adam's on the front line and he needs another machine gun Let me order that from Amazon I'm telling you right now I'm getting a bazooka Front line bazooka

How long are you lasting? We'll win So you're on the front line with a bazooka And you don't die I don't think so Are you fighting for ISIS again? Front line a bazooka and you don't die i don't think so are you fighting for isis again front line and bazooka sounds like you're really there in the full guard side do you think isis are going to be on in that war do you like if it's world war and isis going to join us are they going to be with the chinese i think they'll be conscientious objectors we're like we'll just hang

back and see who gets tired first and then they'll just what would you pick out i'm a sniper sniper right so the problem is with the question is you've done if it kicked off now what would you do what would what you would do is stay home and hope that they didn't drop a nuclear bomb on your fucking head but if it was 1940, say 1939, and that world war was kicking off, what would you do? Because that's what you mean, isn't it? Like in the army or whatever.

Because there isn't, you can't get, you're never going to get national subscription. National conscription again, because it's just not needed because they've just got nuclear warheads. No, but they won't use nuclear warheads, will they? Oh, what? Just for a laugh? No, because they won't use nuclear warheads, will they? Oh, what? Just for a laugh? No, because they won't.

Because if one country fires a nuke, then the other... If one country fires a nuke, like, it could be the end of civilisation. Because every other country will fire theirs. Yeah. So why have we got them? As a deterrent. Right.

That is the actual answer, though, isn't it? I'm not talking shit. It is. It is. But if in a world war, it would show a lot of constraint, wouldn't it, from China and Russia, who are really sound.

They're dead nice people. So they definitely show that restraint. No, but like, they know they can't press it because then they'll get wiped out as well. See, I think there's people in control above governments anyway, so I don't think they'd be allowed.

Okay, cool. Let's keep it on the No genuinely I don't think Donald Trump had the ability to go He did though So Putin doesn't You think there's a power above Putin I think you're mad He's just put the leader of the opposition In jail in Russia hasn't he

It's going to be them cunts And I don't think they're going to be them cunts. And I don't think they're going to show that sort of restraint. But they've got to, haven't they? Because if they fire theirs, we will fire ours. Yeah, totally. And everyone will die. So they're going to be like, listen, we're at war.

China, Russia, stick. Fucking Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram and ISIS. Hang back, lads. Have a fucking day off. It's nice and warm where you are. I can't hear the, Boko Haram, and ISIS. Hang back, lads. Have a fucking day off. It's nice and warm where you are. Sunbathe. I can't hear the word Boko Haram without thinking of a really nice curry house. It sounds like it belongs on a menu, doesn't it?

Yeah. It really does, though. Next to the Karai chicken. Chicken madras. I don't think... Lambuna. Just because they can't fucking kill each other with nukes, they're not going to be like,

right, let's get Adam Rowe a bazooka let's get all the UK comics with some sort of weaponry fuck get Freddy out of Iceland he's not teaching anymore give him to ISIS

yeah from Iceland to ISIS that is the fucking name of his Edinburgh show he did and he's already got the fucking beard would you have a nuclear bazooka then? no just be firing like fucking Roman candles and that's already got the fucking beard would you have a nuclear

bazooka then no just be firing like fucking roman candles and that's what I mean just like a little well I would want like if I could pick

I want a bazooka or a tank your bazooka's such a shit weapon though isn't it you're so dank so quick you're literally like

well right with this situation he's a bazooka here comes Adam like fucking Gerrard you've missed see you lads

have a good one no but they gave me like an assistant who reloads it for me you'd have to take Finn Finn

Finn can fucking pop me fucking rocket to me bazooka where's the bazooka intern not getting paid enough fucking money will you subtitle that fucking bazooka intern? Not getting paid enough fucking money. Will you subtitle that fucking bazooka? Come on, Finn.

Oh, come on. Is he intern still? Yeah. No, you're not going to war as an intern. He's probably been given a role. But like, I was genuinely wondering if we did get conscribed conscribed? conscription?

if you got inscribed yeah what would you want to do? but you are fighting so don't want to be on a ship don't trust the sea don't like it

I'd rather be blown up I'd rather be blown up in a field than here whoop whoop this is the sound of the police I'd rather be blown up in a field than hear, whoop, whoop, this is the sound of the police. Whoop, whoop. What, the party boat going past? It's cold.

Whoop, what? Carnival. Carnival. You're at war and there's a fucking boat full of 18 to 30s with a fucking snoop dog why did you sing that it's just a

that was meant to be an alarm it's the sound of the police whoop whoop be shot by the police so you're in the field do you want to

drive a tank can I be air forcey I was an air scout after all oh yeah I can't fly yeah so what are you I can paint really nice Can I be Air forcey I was an air scout After all Oh yeah I can't fly Yeah

So what are you I can paint really nice murals So what are you No you've got You've got a You're in action So are you flying the plane Are you controlling the gun

Do people do separate jobs Or do you have to control Your own gun Oh I'd love to be a little gunner A little bummer gunner Yes On the back

With the little You know where the little Like the planes On the back with the little yeah you know where the little like the plane yeah it could be one of those tail gunners like that that that fuck off that's what you'd be i'd do that on the motorway sometimes not do that pretend you've got a machine gun when someone's just like i'm in the second overtaking lane but i'm doing 72 miles an hour i'm already speeding oh should I do should I go faster and you'd wish

you had machine guns to be like yeah fuck off if I wasn't a sniper I'd probably just be hand to hand hand to hand yeah

so you're running into no man's land for a scrap let's have it you'd hope they go alright and drop their weapons be a man

but that's how Adam that's how war works with Adam hey I know we've got nukes but you don't use them we don't use them in fact you know we've got bazookas

let's leave them off like alright no knives let's just go and have a massive scrap round the fucking back of the bike sheds that'd be well better wouldn't it

imagine did Carl genuinely say in the war he'd like to be just twat someone like a fucking gypsy boxer just turn up

well the army do have boxing don't they you can be a boxer in the army you can box for the army yes you can not in battle though

like fucking hell these guns aren't working get caught exactly fucking idiot you can box for the army well you need to know how to box

in case your gun runs out of ammo yeah can't have bayonets any more than illegal I it's just so much nonsense

it's so much nonsense I just but at least we're not besmirching the second biggest religion in the world carry on

are they Islam number two I think they might be number one yeah they're defo number one have you boffed yeah At least we're not besmirching the second biggest religion in the world. Carry on. And Islam number two. I think they might be number one. Yeah, they're defo number one. Have you boffed? Yeah. It's a pleasure. It's racially insensitive and nasally insensitive.

Here on Have a Word. But yeah, I really, really would like to try the time. I think you should use that fart on the front line. I think that should be your weapon. Chemical warfare. Chemical warfare. Chemical warfare. Never mind a bazooka. They'll just fucking roll Adam out full of fucking panini that he had for lunch.

Bend him over. Yeah. Yeah. It would at least distract them and then you can come past and you're playing. It would definitely distract them. And then as they're all lying there dead, Carl can come in and you're playing. Da, da, da, da, da, da. It would definitely distract them. And then as they're all lying there dead, Carl can come in

and fucking punch their head in so they're definitely dead. And Finn. It's a pleasure. Can you understand why my granddad is a little bit confused about how I'm paying the bills? Do you reckon World War III

will be live streamed? Do you reckon you'll be able to watch it? Like they'll put GoPros on the tanks and that. You know what I mean Twitch becoming a very popular platform for streaming

you know what I mean I reckon the armies are going to start hiring Twitch and YouTubers to film it all

and then we won't need you know like there's loads of World War 2 documentaries where they've got to put like

Reignachmans and that together there'll just be good raw footage that does exist Obama watched Ben Laden get shot didn't he

he did yeah it was a stream to him but do you reckon you'll be able to stream it as the public is what I'm asking I've seen all the seals who were involved

I've all got a different recollection of the story that makes them the protagonist so they all tell a story of like yeah I went in

and I shot him and I shot him and yeah each seal's got a different story making them the hero if they've all been interviewed separately yeah that would definitely happen to you yeah you definitely remember it as like i just i bin laden was there seal team six came in adam went first got his dick out i I just remember beating him to death with my dick. And it would have been quicker

if I hadn't had a medical dick reduction when I was nine. Do you remember that? Yeah. Do you reckon you could have smashed Ben Lardin's head in? Like one-on-one. I reckon I could have batted him because he was probably an old frail man, wasn't he?

He was a big guy. Six foot four. But imagine how satisfying that would have been to punch the head in of Ben Lardin and get to say that he did it do you know what I mean like because even though

he's an old man it would still seem like a big deal that you battered Bin Laden he wasn't that old who do you reckon would win the fight Bin Laden or Eamon Holmes

good question looking forward to the have a word pub quiz when are we doing that by the way it'll be the end of this month it needs a lot of it'll be released

at the end of the month yeah probably film a tuition for yeah needs a lot of... It'll be released at the end of the month, yeah. Probably film a tuition for. Yeah. Needs a lot of prep. Exclusively on patreon.com slash have a weird pod.

We need to get it done quicker than that. We don't need to do end of the month. We need to do middle of the month. How much prep do you need? A lot.

I've got a lot of ideas. Yeah. We're on it. We're on it. Post record. Let's have a little break and we'll be back with more of this bullshit.

What's happening, everyone? We are thrilled to tell you that this podcast is sponsored and brought to you by BettingGods.com. If you're like me, and you like a little bit of a gamble on the sports stuff, anything from horse racing to footy, ice hockey, any sport you like gambling on, head over to BettingGods.com.

They'll give you a load of free tips to help you beat the bookies if you go over there, they've got some of the best tipsters in the game, they'll help you pick some winners, go and do that now, help support our sponsors that's BettingGods.com see you in a bit, let's get back to the podcast

guess who's back back, back, back again again, again, from the break break, break, gotta drink drink, drink, back, back again, again, again. From the break, break, break. Got a drink, drink, drink. Guess who's back? Innocent Smoothies. They don't half give you a little bit of a kick, you know.

Full of fucking sugar, lad. No. Full of fruit. Yeah. And sugar. Strawberry, cherry, apple, guarana. Guarana. And flaxeds with vitamins.

Nice. And sugar. Oh, yeah. There's only 30 grams of sugar. Wow. Incredible. It's probably that flaxseed that's giving you that boost, isn't it? You know when you get that rush and you feel a bit like,

loads of energy? It energy that flaxseed kicking in you know as your body knows exactly what to do with 30 grams of sugar

all at once go blind in one eye get the judders ready to pot so do we have you give some great advice

I do got some genuine I know we get a lot of emails asking for advice and stuff Do we have? You give some great advice. I do. Got some genuine. I know we get a lot of emails asking for advice and stuff. Especially when I ask for them to email in, you know, seeking advice. I'm just like, I want you to know I'm here for you as well. Yeah, I don't feel that. Like if you ever need to ring me.

You know, you've got a problem at Laura. I rang you the other day. Uh-huh. I let it ring out. Five minutes later. Yeah. On WhatsApp, you went, what's up? Uh- Laura. I rang you the other day. Uh-huh. I let it ring out. Five minutes later. Yeah. On WhatsApp, you went, what's up? Uh-huh.

You weren't there for me. Yeah, but that's because I was busy. I needed to speak to you. Yeah, but, like, if I'm ever available, I'm willing to use that time to help you out with your problems as well. Right. It's not just the listeners. I care about you as much as I care about them.

But I've seen the advice you give, so. Yeah, but. I might. Like, you as I care about them. But I've seen the advice you give, so. Yeah, but. I might. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. Carl will tell you. Like, you know, Carl always comes to me first if he's got problems in his life.

Oh, you two are so supportive. I've watched your friendship blossom. This is kind of a serious one. From Anonymous. Hi, Lids. I'm in a right state here and need your expertise on this sticky situation this is from a lady so me and my ex of a six-year serious relationship broke up at

the beginning of 2020 since then we've been doing couples things together from long walks to shagging all signs pointed to us giving it another go fast Fast forward to this current day, a whole year later, we are still doing couples things, and he has since told me that he's not looking for a relationship and he's currently not talking to anyone else and he's focusing in on us. So she's getting the whole, like, I know we split up, I know we're sleeping together, I know we're doing couples things,

but I don't want to get back but I'm not looking for another relationship I know for a fact that he's seeking other girls attention he's on dating sites and in his bio specifically says looking for a relationship and when I ask him about it

he gets all defensive and he somewhat gaslights me into thinking that I've done something wrong I love this guy very much and wish he could realise how much he is hurting me so lids all defensive and he somewhat gaslights me into thinking that i've done something wrong i love this guy very much and wish he could realize how much he is hurting me so lids am i causing more damage to myself and thinking that he's just using me until another last comes into his life should i cut ties i'd love to hear your point of view that is from lady anon adam's taking this one seriously you'll have heard the finger click

on the audio it's about to go down um first of all the reason he's got looking for a relationship in his dating website bio is because he knows a lot of women even if they are just looking for a slice of dick don't talk to you if you put i'm just offering a slice of dick is that one of the options on tinder looking for a relationship giving out slices of dick what genuinely it's been seven years since i was on a dating website and i didn't do tinder e-harmony what was it e-harmony i was uh on match.com she's a pretty standard fit you paid for your membership i did yeah went on a date with a girl called Louise Who lived in Liverpool

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah We had an argument on the second date Not a good sign What about? Directions Directions to Crosby She started whinging at me

And I was listening to Tom Tom See this is where I could have helped you You know if you rang me for advice Because you know how to get to Crosby I know how to get to Crosby. I know how to get to Crosby. Stop your fucking whinging, Adam! Did I just follow the coast road?

Adam just said, look, first of all, don't argue on a second date. And you'd have gone, oh shit, yeah? And then maybe you'd be there now

instead of Laura. I'm really glad, A, we had an argument on the second date because I love my wife my heavily pregnant wife i love her she's beautiful i'm so happy i'm with her no it was not meant to be you shouldn't be arguing on a second date should you no internet dating did not work for me but genuinely what are the if you can put i'm looking for a relationship you can also like i'm looking for

a bit of fun all right like it it's not like a drop down menu. That's his bio. He's typed that out. Right. It's not a, oh, so I thought it was like looking for a relationship, giving out a slice of dick.

You just want to blow loads in your mouth. Yeah. You can put literally whatever you want. You want a spaff in your ear. Yeah. How many? You can put whatever you want. Or you can take all of them.

I'm looking for a relationship. But they're not options. And to blow loads. You literally just type whatever you want. Yeah. So like, I'm just here for three seconds. A lot of people put, I'm looking for a relationship and to blow loads. You literally just type whatever you want. Yeah. So like a lot of people put, I'm looking for a relationship because they don't want to seem like a, you know,

like a who are, and I'm putting men in that category as well. That's not a sexist thing. What was your bio? What was your bio when you were on the, um, the old, they don't call me rowdy bags for none.

That was the whole thing. They don't call me rowdy bags, but you can you hey and i mean that for men as well that's not sexist i call everyone who is dad you're who and we're going to cavity yeah so i think he he's put that in his bio doesn't net just because you've got that in his bio doesn't necessarily mean he's telling the truth. I think he's lying to all the women out there so that he gets some punani.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very possible. Oh, I think that's a very fair assessment of his online dating situation. Yeah. So she needs to not worry about that bit so much.

However, so many other red flags here. That's potentially a orange flag. That could be an amber flag. But everything else is red, red, red, red, red. I think what's happened is, you know,

they've broke up and he's gone, this is better. But, I miss Shagana. Yeah. I feel like I'm on such thin ice with this because but I miss shagging her. I feel like I'm on such thin ice with this because I've been this dickhead. I've broken up with her.

I miss shagging her. Walking on my own isn't as good as walking with her. If I can just walk and shag her, but then at the end of the day, I can tell her to fuck off so I can play the Xbox. That sounds good to me. So, madam, what you've done is you've... He's having his cake and eating it too.

I was about to say, you've let him have the cake and fucking you've gone on windy walks with it. By the way... And he's eating it. Just let us park at that phrase for a minute. Stupid, isn't it? Because, like, to us, having a cake is eating it, isn't it? But I googled that phrase a while back

having the cake and eating it means like you've still got the cake there and you've eaten it oh you want your cake and eat it have it

scoff the whole lemon drizzle and be like we've got a whole lemon drizzle that's not a real quote though is it it's like a misquote I'm not sure what it is but that's a misquote

google it but you're right that is the meaning of it but it's a misquote it's something like bollocks having your cake is eating it if you've been with someone for six years and they it ends like you should never have to be on their internet dating profiles checking if they're looking for relationships or not that's like there are fundamentals here when you're writing into this podcast, asking that question,

if you read back your email, you know she knows the answer to this. She loves him. I'm not saying he's a total cunt, but he's done that laddy, twatty thing of being like, yeah, this isn't working out. Should we leave it? And she's gone, oh, my heart.

Okay. And he's gone, yeah, cool. All right, so we're not together anymore. But, you know, I want to go and walk up that hill and it's weird if I go on my own. Do you want to come for that walk? Like couples do.

And, you know, can I see your pum pum? Yeah, nice one. Yeah, so he's been a bit of a douche because he's basically cake and eating it. But she knows the fucking answer to this. You've got to jib him off. You've got to jib him off.

Or, um, trap him with a baby. Oh, Oh yeah. Really, really good advice. I didn't see that one.

I didn't see that one, but Adam's just, Adam sees things from different angles. And this is why, this is why he's the agony on. He sees it from different angles. Oh, he's,'s the agony ant. He sees it from different angles. Oh, he's trying to get with other relationships. He's banging you by the side.

Get pregnant on purpose and trap him like that because it works and it never fails. Or here's the other option because maybe like actually getting pregnant, that could be risky. Just tell him you're pregnant, lie to him for nine months get fat and have she wants the cake now and if he sticks around through all that then you can be like you

know what maybe he does really love me then borrow a baby for a bit yeah okay it's taking another turn this advice abducts a child at the end of it that'll keep him involved this is easier yeah yeah I mean he won't start a relationship

with her when she's not in prison so let's see how that works out in a year and a half when she's been convicted he'd probably

prefer it if she's in prison now yeah as long as they let them shag for a bit like when he goes to visit doesn't happen

it does that's from films it does conjugal visits it doesn't happen are they does. That's from films. It does. Conjugal visits. It doesn't happen. Are they in a caravan? And it's shaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watching. Not watch many films, but you watch them once. Is that in Armageddon? Mate, I'm telling you now. Do the right thing. I've been that guy.

Don't adopt a child from someone you know because they might recognise it. Don't keep letting him get the right thing. I've been that guy. Don't abduct a child from someone you know because they might recognise it. Don't keep letting him get the puss. Just keep the cake. Put a wrapper on it and go, mate, you've had your cake and now I'm keeping the cake. I honestly think my idea is better.

You just abduct a child from somewhere like far away. Drive to Coventry or something. Coventry gets some weird... Literally, Coventry is like fucking rural Montana all of Montana is rural Coventry is two hours from here

if you abduct a child from a big family it'll take them longer to notice as well so if you see a family of like six or seven kids so which type of community would you think you could get one of them because who has big families let's really drive this podcast into the ground.

My dad's one of eight. He's a fan of Chinese baby. Anyway, should we do the next one? Chinese babies are cuter. Is your partner Chinese? Because if he is, extra bonus there. She hasn't mentioned his race. He might be Chinese.

Then you need a Chinese baby, actually. Because if it comes out and it's not even a bit Chinese, he'd be like, I don't mind. It's getting a bit complicated this isn't it yeah it's almost had a like i'd have made that weird towards the end uh this one's amazing from anonymous i love how all the advice is from people who need to be anonymous right then lids bit of a sticky one i split up with my ex over a year ago and she's since got a new man. Now over the last six months, I've gone from working in security to setting up a private investigation company, which involves following people, finding out an array of things from cheating partners, et cetera. Obviously with it being private, not many people are aware I run this company.

My ex partner's new bloke has contacted our office for a quote to find out if his partner, my ex, is cheating. Now, I already know she's not. She's not that type of person. She is a cunt, though. Wow, this is sick. Yeah. Do I take on the investigation, secure the bag, or do I just tell my ex her new partner is insecure as fuck and coming after her with like private security firms so love the pod you legends ps adam you should come and do a job one day and investigate some shit i think you'd be really oh my god well first of all i've always wanted to be a private investigator oh yeah as of one minute ago yeah yeah yeah yeah he would be staking out a case

and within 10 minutes he would have put it on Twitter or Instagram it would be on Instagram stories like lad guess what I'm doing

someone's fucking shagging behind someone's back he'd miss it he'd be like oh yeah oh they've gone

I heard gunshots but I was gives a minute gives a minute I'm just checking Insta It's my job Fucking Patreon's gone down what's that about Oh no it's gone back up I would love to go and help him out I reckon I could probably help him

You know we're talking about stuff to vlog I'd be a big fan of watching this content Adam investigates First of all there's actually someone I'd like to about stuff to vlog be i'd be a big fan of watching this content i definitely like adam investigates ai first of all there's actually someone i'd like to send the investigator after who it's not me new missus no i can't tell you who it is okay can you give us any details what the fuck what was in that panini before you started this episode well who would you like to send him after? I can't tell you.

Why did you say it? Give us some clues that we know. You massive dick tease. It's someone you know. Who? I can't tell you. A comedian? Define comedian.

Gets paid to be funny. Yeah. Not well. What? Not, doesn't get paid well. him gets paid to be funny yeah not well what not doesn't get paid well erm oh okay yeah

what in in a in can you give us any more details before we just get totally annoyed it's a man what's his name

just give us that you nearly got me there there's professional there's a professional crossing of wires. I just want to know what he's up to. All right. When he's not in my fucking sight.

All right. Yeah, but anyway, going back to the problem of hand. What are you ever shaking your head for? It's the most fucking annoying thing ever. I would like to get the investigator to go and follow someone. Who?

Can't say. Well, I don't know whether you're involved with this thing. Don't throw me under the fucking bus. I'm not. I'm just keeping my cards

close to my chest until I find out. If you found that a little bit convoluted, the guy has started an investigating company and this new partner of his ex

has turned up and gone, listen, I want you to follow so and so. And he's like, oh my God, it's my ex. Well, first gone, listen, I want you to follow so-and-so. And he's like, oh, my God, it's my ex. Well, first of all, confidentiality, you can't break that. It's only a start to this business. That's going to be all over Yelp if he fucking, if he goes to his ex and goes, by the way,

fucking John wants to know what you're up to. And then she goes back to John and goes, I can't believe you hired fucking Jimmy to fucking follow me. Jimmy the investigator. Yeah. Like, then John... Jimmy, investigate! Somebody stolen my paper from my fucking doorstep.

But, like, Jimmy's business is gone then, isn't it? PIJ's gone. Yeah, I don't think it's going to blow completely. So you can't go see your ex and grass and he fell it up what i would say is you if the police find you investigating your ex and she's onto it it's not going to be very convincing that you're not stalking her do you know i mean if she's like my ex is stalking me and the police come to your car and go, Jimmy, lad, you need to look after Claire. And he goes, how shit is he at this job, though?

You've instantly gone, she fucking works out straight away and you get done for stalking. Let's assume that... Women are very perceptive. Yeah, right. But let's assume he can get away with the job that he's been doing for a while.

Like he's been doing private a while like he's been doing private investigating it's more just the moral dilemma you don't have to work you don't have to go long term with like the business plan

and everything should he go right fuck it it's trade I've got to do it or should he just refuse the work no I think

it depends how much money he's got you know what I mean if he needs the work he should do it he definitely shouldn't grass the fella up to his ex Panny D yeah I think it depends how much money he's got. You know what I mean? If he needs the work, he should do it. He definitely shouldn't grass the fella up to his ex. Panny D. Yeah, I think if he needs the work.

I think part of him wants his ex back, which is why he's considering grassing this up in the first place. Yeah. So I'm just going to run with that as an assumption being correct. He should go to the fella and go look you're right she's piping behind your back and it's with me he should say he's shagging his ex is it illegal to hire a pi no no but you can't be cast as like stalking or espionage it's not stalking is it i think if you get caught and you get a complaint filed against you

then yeah you've got to back off but you don't just instantly go to prison because someone's gone he's been following me around stalker you're done also you've got to assume that if they're doing this professionally they're not like outside a front window with a camera like hey Claire

shh go about your business hey Jimmy knows I've been doing this six months Right, Claire? Shh. Go about your business. Hey, Jimmy knows. I've been doing this six months. Also, your fucking paper's gone. And I've had your milk. I wonder how you do start that, though.

Just like be dead good, like... On Yelp? Not like how you start a business. Yeah, by being a sneaky fucker. I think being a PI is a lot like being a podcaster. All you really need is the want to do it like i don't think you need any qualifications you just need to go i'm a private investigator i'll go and have a look for you get set up a patreon get them on there just for three pound a month like if i had the private investigator and his opening gambit was I'm a private investigator I'll go and have a look for you.

Probably wouldn't hire him because that's the worst sales pitch ever. Do you know what? If I was this guy I'd fucking tell his ex. Why? Because I'd be more loyal to her

than this dickhead who's starting... She's a cunt though? He said she's a cunt? Oh yeah, that's true. So he doesn't like... I think he just needs to ignore her. In my opinion,

he needs to just let it go. No, I think he needs to follow her. It would be weird because he must, if you're a private investigator,

you must get so many boring jobs where you're like, oh, I don't care. But how difficult would it be to refuse this work

to be like, could you go and follow your ex-missus around who you think is a cunt and you're getting money off their new bell-end boyfriend of all the jobs you're like i've just sat here in a car like waiting for something to happen to take a picture and be like oh god this is dull i don't give a shit about these people's life to leave this job and go no i'm not doing it to be able to watch her and be like oh my god she is cheating on him what a pair of twats they deserve each other it'd be so hard to follow your ex around

I'd notice if my ex was following me around because I know what they look like what if she had that hat on then she'd have gotten away with it

he'd have put that hat on hat, sunglasses, fake muzzy that's not her she'd never had a muzzy or a hat so you'd recognise her

and then talk yourself out of saying it Adam walking around Liverpool like Mr Potato Head. Tell Adam, no, he never wears hats. I'm not going to challenge this. He doesn't have a sombrero. God, I thought that was Adam, my ex.

But he's wearing a sombrero. So, can't be because he's not Mexican. Yeah. And if I put the accents on as well, like if Carl turns around and looks at me, what happened with the sombrero? No, no, no, no. Me not from here.

Me Mexican. Weirdly, one of your best ISIS impressions there. I'd buy that. It'd work. So what's the... I think he needs to... Just leave it. Yeah. I think you need to follow your ex.

And look, like, who doesn't want to have a little follow with their ex and see what they'll do? That's what I'm saying. It's juicy. Yeah, I think he's your follower. And he's got a good excuse. You fucking stalking me?

No. Fucking John hired me, actually. So sure. So he's at his job again. Yeah. Adam cannot get past the fact that he's going to get made. Like, he's like, you're going to get caught. You're going to get caught. Well, he's gone his job again. Yeah. Adam cannot get past the fact that he's going to get made. He's like, you're going to get caught. You're going to get caught.

Well, he's gone from security to PI. I just don't see him getting away with this. Do you know what I mean? You can't go from fucking the door of B&M to following your ex around. Why does he blow his own cover within five seconds, though? Why doesn't he even go, oh, no, it's just a coincidence? Why does he go, oh, I'm a private investigator? You're an idiot.

Yeah. Why does he go, oh, I'm a private investigator? You're an idiot. Yeah, I just... If it was me, I'd be taking the work. Yeah. It's a punny day. Ooh, can't be easy being a private investigator in a lockdown.

She's still in. She's in. She's in. She's in she's in she's in she's going to Asda oh fucking Asda

is it and she's armed Asda though because maybe she's sucking someone off who works at Asda

yeah yeah on shift do you think on shift that happens or maybe he's on a spree

yeah there's a queue at the pizza counter fucking anyone want to do the meat feast oh yeah you never know she could be shagging anyone yeah yeah you find it very hard to keep the question within the question don't you like that's a yeah okay i've seen the question i take it on the moral dilemma what if she's sucking off someone from asda we thought about that i think we need to consider that um do you want to do the uh

aaron wood got in touch a couple of people have got in touch they've seen this on the internet it's about fighting mike tyson as a child oh yeah as soon as i read it i was like it's very i feel like it's on brand for the podcast. So before we go to our half time, thank you for the guys that emailed this in. This has obviously been doing the rounds a little bit. So Aaron Wood was the one that sort of wrote it out the best. He says, hello, Liz, disclaimer. I didn't think of this question myself. I've seen it somewhere. There's a live televised fight between you and Mike Tyson, and you get to choose the age that Mike Tyson is when you fight between one year old and 18 years old. If you beat him, you get a grand for every year he's been

born. So if he's 10, you get 10 grand, 15, 15 grand, et cetera. You get the picture. This is televised. So the younger he is, the worse you look. If he's four and you win, you beat up a toddler on live television. If he's four and you win you beat up a toddler on live television if he's nine and he knocks you the fuck out then you're the guy who got ko by a nine-year-old child what age a nine-year-old's not gonna what age do you choose to fight mike tyson up a couple of notes he's added he's done his own research for this bit mike tyson at 15 won olympic gold after knocking out Joe Cortez in eight seconds. So, wouldn't fuck

with 15. There's a rumour Mike Tyson at 12 years old KO'd a 27 year old man in his boxing gym. So, Adam, you're fighting a young Mike Tyson. What age are you going? You want the bag or you don't want to get

banged out? The thing is, like, like, five grand wouldn't change your life, would it? Like, you'd have a good couple of months, you'd go on holiday or whatever, but it's not life-changing. Before you answer any more, can I tell you, one of the emails we got, it was a million for every year of their life.

It was like, so, if it's one, you get one million, if you get two. And the problem with that question is that you just bang a one year old you really just go I'm not even taking any risk five million

sounds really good and you just uppercut first punch a five year old obviously if five year old Mike Tyson gets him and goes,

that was fucking bullshit, and then comes up, then, you know, it's going to get weird, isn't it? But I'm telling you, I would swat a five-year-old. For five million quid. Yeah. Five million quid. For five grand. Do you know what I mean?

Five grand, you're like, ah. And because of that logic. You bet 18 grand isn't life changing so no but it could be that's because of an house it should be 100k per year I think

because then 10's a mil you start getting life changing alright so so what about 10 what about 10k a year oh well then I'm still taking a 5 year old

I think it should be 100k a year because then when he's 10 it's a mil that's life changing it's too easy though it's too easy because you just go low

a 5 year old half a million quid, your life's changed and you've got no risk. I'd punch a 10-year-old dead then. Physically, I can bat at a 10-year-old, no matter who it was. Mike Tyson at 10. Yeah, he was still two, three foot smaller than me, I'd punch a 10.

But at 12, he knocked out a 27-year-old boxer. Can I just say, but guys, I would love to watch Carl fight A ten year old Mike Tyson Any older And it's not fun Because fourteen year old Mike Tyson He battered me Is going to wear you

Like a cock glove Yeah but I'd blather him at ten At ten I think it would be Interesting As you laid your The biggest twenty nine year old punch You've got on him

And then he went It's fucking nothing Does it have to be a boxing fight? Yeah it has to be a boxing fight i'll boot his head off if it was like a right yeah it's not mixed martial arts although i don't know why that's important yeah boxing's difficult it's made it far too easy by putting the money up no that's what that's i'm saying we can just find the line is it what about if it's five grand a year? So at five years old, it's 25 grand. Still five years old. Yeah? So you take 25?

Yeah. Right. So can we go back to a grand a year then? Yeah. It's the only thing that makes it difficult, is it being so low. And because it's so low, I'm taking the 18-year-old. Okay.

I'll just come out swinging, hope for the best. Yeah. I'm probably going to lose. Oh. Oh. Wasn't he a heavyweight champion at 18? I promise you. A heavyweight,

sorry. You're genuinely, it's a worry for your life and you're going to take that risk for 18 grand. Yeah, I've got to fight him. Yeah.

I've got to fight him. Yeah. At an age. So, so why, so 18 grand is worth nearly dying for i'm not gonna nearly die i swear to god if he if he just holds back lets you just like try and fucking do your business and cracks you right at 18 like they're not gonna call you rowey lives yeah change your life if mike

tyson punched you in the face at 18 it would change your life no it would yeah but then I could just like he's not gonna kill me I'd just be knocked out I don't think your podcast is so good no more

I think 10 is the optimum age mate so you'd do it for 10 grand yeah 10 G's yeah I think he'd be interested yeah but physically he's not

I've got like a 5, six inch reach on him and shit. Yeah, like 10 grand is still a decent chunk, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, maybe I'd go towards 10, 2, 11. Yeah, between 10 and 15. I'm 28 and you're not the 27 year old, Dodds. I've got that age majority. What about you?

You haven't answered yet. I think 10. This is how ridiculous it is I can't box I mean you can't but you think you can I can't but I know I can't

I've had one fight you've had one fight I don't want no more no I had a boxing fight I've been in the ring I've got experience gone three rounds

you're right you're right you're right you're right so probably 17 then 18 yeah cool I'm genuine I could easily lose to mike tyson the child i'd worry about some of the lads

on the park in sorghal in in cheshire so that's how that's how much of a pussy i am when i had that to do with those lads on mountain bikes i was like i'm five foot eight i'm not in good shape and i i really think if they thought about it and just, I'd be in trouble. I'd have to think about it. And they were like 14. So I'm not fucking with Mike Tyson any younger, any older than 11.

Yeah, he knocked a 27-year-old out and that's harder to do than knocking you out, isn't it? Yeah. 10, I reckon. I reckon 10. 10's the right age. In all your heads, though, you're like, we can knock him out. He didn't get knocked out a lot 10 10's the right age in all your heads though you're like

we can knock him out he didn't get knocked out a lot did he when he was young yeah but he didn't fight me when he was 10 he was fighting other 10 year olds weren't he he wasn't fighting me

in my prime life he was fighting all the bullies wasn't he when he was a kid yeah but he was hard as fuck 10 but he can't bang a man

at 10 I hope that gets no context Yeah, but... He was hard as fuck, but he can't bang a man. A ten. I hope that gets no context. I don't think we've had a sensei context, but I honestly, I would love a no context to have a word on. He was hard as fuck, but he can't bang a man. And what you've just done now is given them the option to do a no context with you saying the thing he said. Yeah, I think ten.

You're a child still. Yeah. 12. 12 is banging 27. You're old. Fuck them. Yeah. So we know.

Yeah, I'm going 10. I'm locking it in. 10. Punch his head in. Put me 10 grand on if Bills win the Champions League this year. Lose that 10 grand.

How much would you love to see? I'd just love to see the fight. This is why it's a weirdly fun question. Because you're right. If you lose to a 10-year- love to see the fight. This is why it's a weirdly fun question, because you're right, if you lose to a 10-year-old, it doesn't look good, does it? But I don't know if you're,

oh, I'm absolutely, like, how tall are you? Oh, he wasn't that tall, though, was he, Tyson? No. He was only about 5'8", 5'9", wasn't he? Oh, he wasn't that big on the inside either. He fights on the inside. I'd keep him.

I've got the reach. Those early fights, when he was low, and he unleashed those fucking... Yeah, he's just, he's exploding upwards on the inside I'd keep him I've got the reach those early fights when he was low and he unleashed those fucking he's exploding upwards yeah

I wouldn't do that yeah so my hit is 5'10 so he's 5'10 if I keep him jabbering so so at 5'10 he was fighting heavyweights

all of those fights in the early days late 80s early 90s where he was a monster from the mid 80s to early 90s all his he was a monster from the mid 80s to early 90s.

All his strength was like coming from low and just exploding. He almost like bounced off his feet, didn't he? And that's what he'd do as a 10-year-old fighting a five foot nine Adam Rowe. Oh my God. I'd give so much to see the look of fear as 10-year mike tyson really

walloped you and you're in i guess a train i've got to fight as i am now you have to take the fight like as i am yeah 10 10 then yeah yeah i would batter them at 10 i would i just would what was his plan it's 10 year old in the world that I can't fucking spar. Was he champion at seven? Isn't there? I fucking love it. He said it so seriously. I love how seriously we take these questions. No, lad, you're pissing me off.

There isn't a fucking 10-year-old in the world that I wouldn't spar. There isn't. There's not a single 10-year-old alive or dead that I couldn't beat some weird Samoan fucking growth hormones rugby playing the Dagestanians or like Khabib's family they all fight bears when they're five

yeah if he's mad are you a ten they wouldn't because they're fighting baby bears it's not like he's fighting a fully grown adult bear

like me you're a full bear are you I'm a babe yeah I am sorry sorry everyone Adam's a full grown bear

I genuinely think there isn't a ten year old. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Adam's a full grown bear. I genuinely, genuinely think there isn't a 10-year-old in the world who I couldn't beat in a fight. And if you're listening to this and you think my little cousin would, set it up. We'll do it for charity. Right.

I'll smash your cousin's head in. Right. What charity do you think that would be for? Yeah. I don't know. Zoe's Place. The children's hospice in West Abbey that's where they'd be

yeah that's where they'd end up when you find a child you want to make sure the charity sort of matches the event you're paying for the aftercare aren't you fuck off set it up

all these kids dying in a hospice what happened to you I don't feel so good The doctor says it's not looking great What happened to you Adam Rose sparked me out I'm just saying if anyone's got a ten year old Who's up for it

We can do it for charity Elite sports are still allowed under lockdown What network's taking this elite sport Channel 5 You know? Elite sports are still allowed under lockdown. What network's taking this elite sport? Channel 5. I think it's exactly there. Live on Channel 5! We've got comedian and podcaster fighting a child!

And it's better than everything we've ever put on. I think I could be on it. Channel 5, making television, still. I reckon I could be on channel five making television still i reckon i could be on the joshua fury undercard on the undercard the undercard it will be on these yeah no but like just a portion like 20 of the of the gate goes to the charity thing is though it would get lots of eyes on it would yeah if you said did you know Adam's fighting a 10 year old

on a telly next week he'd go and put it on yeah and I'd knock him out with one punch yeah yeah you're right be the fastest one punch

in our hat and box in history you're right but like there's a lot of things that would get eyes on that aren't allowed you know

like if you said that Ann Widdicombe was fighting two badgers that would get a load of eyes on but I don't necessarily make

think it's gonna get you know Eddie Hearn's good he's not that good no but that sells itself that fight it sells itself

can't on the on the Joshua Fury undercard you've got Adam Rowe fighting a primary

school age child. And Ann Whittaker taking on two badgers. What a card. Imagine they accumulate on that. Fucking hell. Yeah. We've got the badgers,

Adam and Fury on this. Yeah. Thanks for backing me there by the way got you lad yeah but yeah genuinely I am up for that

if anyone wants to set it up yeah I will do it if you're bored of homeschooling kids are annoying around the house get them training for a fight

with a 29 year old comedian come on give them something to work towards it's nearly half term they're gonna be bored it's winter you have to be in going to be bored. It's winter. You have to be in a car to wait, obviously,

because there's not many 10-year-olds that are just under 14 stone. The one I find is that fucking Fijian. Should we have a break? Yeah, it's so difficult to follow our own bullshit we have our very good friend i started comedy with this guy pete otway joining us in the studio today uh one of the good guys very excited we'll see you in very seconds see you soon mirror mirror on the wall what's the best brand for your balls manscape.com manscape.com are one

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Let's get back to the podcast. Big shout-out to Ribena, obviously. Fuck you, Ribena. Full-time sponsor now. They're not a sponsor. You did it on the Patreon episode. What have you got with Ribena, obviously. Fuck you, Ribena. Full-time sponsor now. They're not a sponsor. You did it on the Patreon episode. What have you got with Ribena? Ribena Light, the number one blackcurrant product on the market today.

It's calorie-free, as long as you ignore the 30 in there, innit? I'm a Vimto man. I'm getting into Vimto, you know. Not in front of your Ribena overload. Pete's hot ways here. And he's got a beer. Never mind fucking Ribena.

Pete's got a beer. Hang on. Have we fucking started? Yeah, mate. It's just how we are. It's a nonsense. Lovely stuff. Can I just say

before we go any further how nice it is to be here with two of what I would say my oldest mates in comedy and only one of which it was ever tricked me into hosting a drag night before. So that's nice.

On this site? Yeah, I know. I drove in. I was like, no, I got PTSD. I was like, shit. You know Tony who books the Ron Conn game? You shithouse. No, no, no.

I'll get someone to do it. Lad, cash in on. Few fucking drags. It was on the forum. It goes up. You know what I mean? Like Friday, who's free? I'm like. Lad, cash in hand. A few fucking drags. It was on the forum. It goes up. You know what I mean? Like, Friday, who's free? I'm like, yeah, I'm free.

Nice one. He goes, it's my run. Can't get offered good things. No, no, no, no. No, don't you fucking dare. That's not true. That's not true. Let him tell his version,

then you can rip up. So I rock up, right? And like, don't get me wrong. I feel like drag is quite sort of in vogue now. Do you know what I mean? It's quite cool, isn't it? Yeah. It's not like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like when we were kids, drag vogue now. Do you know what I mean? It's quite cool, isn't it? Yeah. It's not like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like when we were kids, drag was like a bit like... I don't know how to explain it, but a bit like... Revolting. Well... It's fake. You go with your opinions. Doing your ISIS advert again there.

It was almost a bit like novelty, wasn't it? Gay culture is very in vogue. Yeah. It's almost like it's been, like we're 20 years into that. Like the places like the Birdcage in Manchester. Yeah. Now let me tell you,

now let me tell you this fella was none of that. He was straight from Benidorm, which I'm not even joking. Half of his jokes were just playing out clips of Tiny Tim. Do you know Tim fucking, what's his name? Yeah. And just me in between, just asking people what they did for a living

while he got changed that was why i was there it was hack drag yeah it was hack drag and they'd basically rocked up and they'd gone oh shit who's gonna be on in the fucking change like while he's backstage changing oh we'll just get pete in to ask some dickheads what they do for a living so tony had text me you're the chalk on his cheese absolutely mate do you want uh do you want a gig for tonight i was like i'm i'm uh i'm all booked up mate why and he was like hey well there's this massive i can't remember the name of the act but this massive act in benidorm and i've gone and secured him for for the heath in runcorn and i need a compa and i was like what a cv that guy's got. Benidorm, Roncorn. Who needs to gig anywhere else?

Obviously, like for our listeners who don't know, there's comedy forums where you advertise available gigs for people who haven't got work that weekend or whatever. And I did say it was a, I need a comp on Friday in Roncorn for sort of a difference. No, no, you did not.

It was, I need a compare for Friday in Runcorn and I'm thinking he does a gig on Fridays in Runcorn fucking great stuff yeah

love it how in your memory you're like I was dead sound I explained everything that it was yeah absolute bullshit so then I turned up

and that was yeah by the way that's what every shit promoter says to justify all of the fucking you-know-whos.

Like, lad, got a gig in Ellesmere Port, and old boys died. They want a bit of a turn for the fucking week. Oh, you're bitching now on the phone, but it's fucking cash in your hand. 75 fucking big ones in a pan-ed. Yes, you're going to have to talk to the grieving widow, but it's fucking cash,

and you're not working at Iceland. It's always the get out. Yeah, that's exactly what it was, yeah. But it was, it was cash, and I was away earlier than I would have been. But genuinely, I'd forgotten about it, totally blocked out of my head, and then I drove to the wrong car park,

which is chilly about a minute, but I drove in, and then I come around there, and I'm going, the fucking cunt, straight away in my mind, just goes, that bastard got me to fucking mc a drag you've locked it out oh it's so nice to have you on pete we don't we actually have the drag act here thank you it's great to see you did a fucking great job and he also got one of my testicles you said on the way

you were listening to an old episode yeah so you you texted me today and you were like have you listened to it before you were like

you know what you're coming to don't you yeah and I was like yeah I've listened to a couple you know

like the clips and stuff I had listened to everyone's watched the clips all comedians like yeah yeah I've watched the clips

you know because I follow you on online and I have to so I'm on my way in and I'm literally coming down that, to where I got lost by the little roundabout. I'm coming in and it's the Ishan Akbar episode, the bit where you're getting him to do just a fuckload of accents, right?

So I'm on my way in and I'd completely forgotten that I was expecting a call because my mate wanted to foster kids, right? And I'm his referee. Oh, no. So suddenly I go from fucking Ishan Akbar, telling me he's a fucking nonce from Venezuela or whatever he is. The Venezuelan bus driver. Like, I'm right in the middle of that, right?

And I'm laughing and I'm going, what the fuck have I signed up for here? And to the phone, hi, yeah, it's Chris from the foster, from the social services, just ringing about your friend Paul, about the referee. I was like, I cannot fucking do this now. This is not my day.

I'm not in the headspace. Let's just box that off right now. You've just had Eshan Akbar doing his Nigerian bus driver. What qualifies you to be a reference for fostering children? Yeah. I've got kids. I've got kids.

Yeah, no, that's it, I think. That's fair. So is that what you're asking? Have you got kids, lads? Would's it I think that's fair so is that what the thing you ask have you got kids would you leave them with Paul no problem I mean I'm not

going to surprise but I was surprised to get the call I thought you know what I mean I thought he might have gone for a scattergun

you're essentially the fostering phone a friend yeah I think I am the only one of his mates that's got kids to be fair so I think that's

probably it if I was the foster kids would you be a reference for me I would definitely speak to those people I would like it if that's the route you're going now at this point in your life i think i'd like to be put down as a uh i don't know if i want to use the term reference or someone that needs to be spoken to here's the thing right and i didn't think about it with him but like genuinely like like for a job nothing nothing is ever going to ruin anyone's life for that is it right

for like referee for like a fostering you never really know someone do you like i bet no like is that fair don't talk to. Just get his fucking web browser up. That's what you really want. You don't think he's going to do anything wrong to a child. Absolutely. But you wouldn't put the mortgage on it. I reckon I've got two mates who I would say no to if they asked me. And then there are mates that I'm like, yeah, of course.

But yeah, you don't fucking like... No, no. You don't want to be on a Channel 5 documentary in six years. Knock, knock, nonce o'clock, right? And in six years. Knock, knock, nonce o'clock, right? And I'm there. Knock, knock, nonce o'clock. You can tell he's worked in broadcasting. He comes up and names it.

Right there, come on. We're going marketing after this. Yeah, you know, I'm sat there with my fucking blacked out with a different accent or something going, yeah, no, I thought I knew him. We lived together and everything. Yeah, with a mask on. I'm glad you said out

you can't be blacked up with a different accent on channel five not these days well uh channel five might allow it yeah that's a good point and it what a high pressure situation to not do lad banter yeah absolutely yeah you know i was on a stag do with him about a year and a half ago and anything goes a year and a half later hi Mr Otway we're ringing on behalf of child services

hey what are that fucking nods see I I would ruin it for Carly yeah if I was his reference you know what I mean I'd make him sound

like yeah but you'd ruin it for Serica as well wouldn't you that's the tricky one there you'd have to live how do you know he's not just

adopted into Surprise-a what what for Valentine's yeah but you'd ruin it for Serica as well, wouldn't you? That's the tricky one there. You'd have to live... How do you know he's not just adopting to surprise her? What? What? For Valentine's? Yeah. One of them cards that pops open, and it's just the child. Daddy!

Do you think he's like a puppy? Yeah. So I just put a child in a box and gave it to her for Valentine's Day. Can you do that, though? Can you adopt a child without your partner's sort of presents? Yeah, yeah, of course you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. a child without your partner's sort of presents? Yeah,

yeah, of course you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, for Christmas presents

and birthday presents, as long as it's one of those big ones, anniversary, Valentine's. Patrick, St. Patrick's Day. Yeah.

As long as you put holes in the box. Yeah. It's actually, they like it because it shows that as a partner, you really care

but no what I'm saying is like you don't live with Seneca you're not married so there's no like legal record that they're a couple

so can you adopt a child on your own could he claim to be single to get the child so child services aren't like hang on

where's your beard I don't think they would give me a child on my own what I don't think they'd give me a child on my own

why not though because they say that single men can't raise children no because i sit in a room with you talk shite no because i sit in a room with you talk shite and play fifa that's it but you wouldn't tell them that would you what would you tell them though you tell them that you want a kid and that's the only prerequisite for what i don't know if they you know what here's something interesting i don't know if legally they can say flat out that they don't let single men adopt kids. I don't know if that would fuck with some sort of like, in terms of like, it's a weird one.

Cause as I'm essentially saying as a white straight man, I wouldn't want to be discriminated against. Yes. A lot of the pedophilia historically comes from our community, but, but like, I don't think it'd be a very easy process. Being like, lad, I'm sick of playing FIFA on my own. I want a kid. Fucking player two.

And that's what I'm going to call him. He doesn't need a name. Player two. I'd go for like 10 and up then, age-wise. 10 and up. Because kids are shit and Xbox aren't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want a six-year-old like that.

But they can't discriminate against single parents because like Barack Obama's mum was single. Okay, I think I get what you're saying, but I think you're confusing all of that single mum thing with single dad trying to adopt. What's the difference, Sam? What's the difference? When it comes to adoption,

you are giving a child into someone's trust. So are you saying as a single lad, you don't see any problem with a guy going, listen, can't be arsed with a missus, like, fucking tidy up your dickhead. I don't want one, but I want a kid. All I'm saying is I don't see me doing any worse a job than Barack Obama's mum.

Fucking hell. So you reckon you would raise the next president of the United States? I don't see me doing any worse a job than Barack Obama's mum. Fucking hell. So you reckon you would raise the next president of the United States? I think everyone is saying why don't you just knock someone up? It's way easier. Yeah, but then you've got what if they get to the point where they want to keep her? I don't want.

Can I just say though, I'd love to see the next United States president with a Scouts accent. You fuck him up up Fuck him off Have you ever had a Prime Minister with an accent? Well they all talk like gobshites Gordon Brown I suppose Yeah but he lasted about three and a half weeks didn't he

I mean he's Scottish It's not an accent Duncan Ferguson was manager of Everton longer than Gordon Brown was. Gordon Brown, Neil Kinnock

didn't get elected. Yeah, I suppose. You don't really have, because in America it's a thing, isn't it? So I'm from Florida. I've got a Floridian accent. Is it?

Floridian? Is that the word? Is that? Yeah, Floridians, yeah. No, I meant, I didn't realise that was quite a thing. Well, Obama's from Illinois, isn't he? No, Obama's from Hawaii and he...

He's from Illinois, he has a Chicago accent, doesn't he? He was born and raised in Hawaii and he was congressman or something in Illinois. Oh, right, okay. But he wasn't raised there. Right. Yeah, but there's this white regional... Look, I love how seriously you took that that why can't i adopt a fucking kid are you calling me a nuts whoa

we're joking about obama you don't joke about obama i'll do i'll do fucking nonce jokes all day i think obama was quite good no yeah but you seem to like you seem to be quite heavy on the obama facts yeah well you know i you know, you look at his fucking successor and you go, you know, it was better back then, wasn't it? Yeah, no, that's fair. I'm not going to argue with that.

Absolutely. So you're making an adoption of kids? Yeah, my mate's fostering. Fucking hell. Fuck me. It's lovely to be here. Conversational fucking pinball.

Yeah. I haven't seen you since the worst gig i've had in about seven years i think we've all got bits going on for the last time we saw each other which was the last why was the worst steve buger as manchester uni gig oh christ you died hard yeah oh i really enjoyed that like as a mate as a mate when when a comedian who's a mate dies really really fucking bad yeah yeah no i really enjoyed that one mate yeah i feel like you started to enjoy it as well yeah i did yeah you've talked about it on the podcast a lot as something that you weirdly enjoyed

yeah yeah could you tell from your point of view yeah so um so adam obviously in the last few years has started to go down A very definite route With his comedy And the students Of Manchester University A couple of years ago Were not fucking having that Oh that is such a fucking

I think one of them I think one of them Started at the back And just went Why are you being horrible About gay people Not gay people Actually

Member of the same group Right okay Yeah yeah Fat people Right yeah yeah Why are you being horrible About fat people Is what she said I think they just wanted not gay people actually member of the same group right okay yeah yeah fat people right yeah yeah why are you being horrible of fat people

what she said I think they just wanted they wanted some real nicey nicey stuff and yeah no but I especially because I feel like probably like the 10-15 times

before that I'd seen you you'd been you know knocking out the park smashing it smashing it I see you on Twitter great gig

great gig great gig he's down his arse yes yes yes come on do you know what's really funny about that night because as we both know smashing it. I see you on Twitter. Great gig, great gig, great gig. He's down his ass. Yes, yes, yes. Come on. Do you know what's really funny about that night? Because as we both know, fucking great comp here,

Pete. Well, I was watching you that night, not have a great gig. Yeah, it wasn't a great gig. And I was watching him going, I'm going to have to fix this.

And then I went on and was like, Pete, ripped it. That brilliant moment where you're like, oh, hang on. They're not shit. It's shit. So that was the last time I saw you. Last time I saw Dan was far, far worse for me.

I don't know if you remember this. So we did Manford's gig in Chorley. I do remember. And so Dan's doing a double. And turns up just before the middle act. And so the middle act, I didn't know this and I'd never met him before.

Can't remember his name. David something. He's blind, right? There you go. So the middle act is blind. You might as well call him David Blind Lad. Only because I've never seen him before.

David Eagle, I think it is. And I'd never even heard of him before. Do you know what I mean? I haven't heard of him to this there you go right and he was absolutely cracking right

he was a brilliant comic I didn't know he was blind I'd spent but also we're all in different green rooms because of Covid it was in that little block in the middle

in like August September when you could gig I think it was just just before we went into that next lockdown October it was October the 31st yeah

and I announced to them on stage that we're going into lockdown on Monday. None of them knew, right? So we're all backstage and he's wandering around. I didn't clock that he was blind, right? No one told me that he was blind, anything like that. So unsurprisingly, Pete, he sat down, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah, he was sat down.

I had no idea. I go out on stage to announce him. I bring him on, like you say, I'm comparing. I bring him on and everyone's got their own mic stand and whatever on the other side of the stage so he walks out and he's got no fucking idea where his mic stand is and i suddenly clock that he's blind i think i think the woman went his dog i think the woman went i think the woman went the side of the stage went he's blind he doesn't know where his mic stand is and obviously usually then i just walk out go and

get his mic and mic stand and give it to him whatever but i feel like anyways everyone's a bit sensitive about the whole covid touching thing anyways so that's part of the problem is because you usually there's just a mic in the middle yeah you walk out and he would know where he's going to that or whatever and it's very but that night they and they're lovely at chorley little theater but they've got it in the head about, like, you can't sit there. They were so worried about being shut down, and you feel like going... What month was this? This was the end of October.

You feel like going, Chorley Little Theatre, no one cares. No one's watching. Ease up a little bit. But they got it in the head. They had to have a mic off to the side, a mic in the middle. You couldn't go. You weren't allowed. They were trying to do a one-way system.

And it's all very difficult, even when people aren't blind it's massively and this isn't the funny bit because at the same time as well you like it's like the whole shaking hands thing whatever some people don't give a shit but when you're in an audience there was like 150 people in there that night i'm like i don't want to go on and touch everything because i feel like everyone's hypersensitive stuff so i'm then side of stage trying to fucking guide him to this mic stand and all this. So anyways, he did his set great. I go back on after him and I say something. I just try and make light of it because you can't pay him when something like that happens.

You just try and like go with it. So I said something like, I just don't need you all to know. I didn't know he was blind. I feel like you all just thought I was being a cunt and I didn't know he's blind. Made a little ha. Nobody fucking laughs like at all at the end of that section so I come off

and Danny stood by stage going did you just try and make that funny and nobody laughed and I was like yeah what the fuck it's another one of those beautiful moments

where that night was really difficult because they were a nice audience there was a lot of regulars there so they'd probably seen everyone before anyway but the announcement

of the lockdown had just been made so it really was as we were as i was driving to that gig i was listening to five live because the the prime minister was basically telling everyone we were going to go into at least a month-long lockdown his five o'clock announcement and they found out either via you telling them and the atmosphere it wasn't like they were pissed off with us but it was tense but motherfucker it had gone weird and the a lot of the joy of comedy yeah had drained from that a little bit yeah and so the next bit of this i loved that bit

watching you trying to explain that you're not a cunt you just didn't realize he was blind and that and you could tell in the room they were like but he was clearly blind yeah absolutely and everybody in that room is going obviously he's blind because he walked out going

and I'm like I'm trying to then go no but we were all in different green rooms and I've not really met him you know what I mean so then Dan goes out to close

and opens his bit of Pete really tried to gloss over that bit and you weren't having it and they then weren't even having it was just going on being eggy and eggy the whole fucking time of pete really tried to gloss over that bit and you weren't having it and they then weren't even having that gig is usually great yeah that night it had got a bit like yeah like everything because through the whole of the autumn there was like like we're trying to make it work you know we're

gonna go out we're gonna do garden gigs and we're gonna do drive-through gigs and we'll really try and make it good and then that was the night that went oh no that's all for shit we're going to do garden gigs and we're going to do drive-through gigs and we'll really try and make it good and then that was the night that everyone went oh no that's all for shit we're going into it yeah we had that uh the in obviously in december liverpool was mainly sort of open one of the only places in the country that wasn't yeah i obviously did the full run at hot water and we were supposed to get new year's eve as well but on the 30th they went no liverpool shutting tomorrow and we had two gigs of hot water that night danny mclaughlin was comparing and he went on in that early show and it was like 15 minutes after it had been announced so everyone before the show is sat around on their phones finding out that as of tomorrow you can't go and

see your nan and but that night we were allowed 100 people in a basement in the dark. Yeah, yeah. And he had to address it because he started comparing and they were like, yeah, but we can't go anywhere tomorrow. And he had to be like, look, I know we've all just had shit news,

but let's just fucking enjoy this. And Liverpool, I think, I'm speaking for Liverpool here, I don't think you saw that coming as a city. No. Because you'd all been through the ringer, you'd been held up as this, like, look, there's a problem a city no because you'd all been through the ringer you'd been held up as this like there's a problem in liverpool then you'd all been tested then all of those instant testing like there was a there was an amazing setup so you were in tier two while the

whole of the country was either in tier three or tier four and i got a sense from you lot of like yeah we're sorted because liverpool's all right so it really was a fucking instant like kicking the balls wasn't it like oh yeah that's gone to shit hospitality who lost so much money from the food and stuff that they'd prepared for new year's eve i think as much as that as well i think as soon as they announce a lockdown when you feel like everything's all right they announce lockdown everybody's brain in that room in that audience just goes oh shit this is more serious than we've been taking it again. I'm fucking sat in a room full of people.

Do you know what I mean? Like it felt like that entirely a little bit. I didn't get that vibe in Liverpool. I got the vibe of fucking hell. Can't go to fucking Nando's tomorrow before we get on the fucking Mozambique. Yeah. And it's also,

anyone that's there isn't isolated. So Liverpool was in tier two, but there would have still been a lot of people in Liverpool isolating and taking it very seriously if you're in a basement room just after Christmas before New Year's Eve in Liverpool you're one of the ones who's like I want to live my life so you're getting the news as someone who's like you've just shat on my chips yeah yeah big time yeah it was a it was a kicker but it was always coming though wasn't it they were literally they were signaling it they were literally they were signalling it

they were like enjoy your Christmas because it's going to get fucking crappy I don't know if we hadn't you said before as you got here

you were like oh I'm out of the house I don't know if we hadn't had this if I wouldn't have lost my fucking mind I'd lose my mind now so I feel very very privileged

at the minute first of all we get to come here we record twice a week me and Carl have been here another day this week to do some other stuff I all, we get to come here. We record twice a week. Me and Carl have been here another day this week to do some other stuff. I'm going to be coming here at least one extra day a week just to give a bit of purpose.

And obviously we've got some news coming, which will probably get us here maybe another day a week. And having started seeing someone new and having heard around a lot in my bubble, that's been good. But when she fucks off for a bit and I'm not here for the day, if I'm on my own for 12 hours, I start getting a bit... I can't pick something on Netflix because there's too much choice,

so I just end up scrolling and then putting Friends on. I can't play FIFA because I never feel better when I finish playing FIFA than I did when I started playing it. So I just sit on the couch, scroll, like doom scroll, and reading every bit of shit news, looking at the same posts I have for hours. And then I talk to, like, Freddie Quinn, who's spending days on end on his own because his missus is a nurse.

I'm speaking to Danny McLaughlin, who's on his own most of the time. His missus is a nurse. His missus is a nurse. Freddie Quinn, the other day in the WhatsApp group, said something like it was like 4 o'clock in the afternoon and he said

I'm still in bed what's the point getting up to go and lie somewhere else and I was like imagine those people who've been on their own for a year

at the start of that first lockdown I was like fuck this I've got a 2 year old this is dog shit and then now I'm like

thank god for the 2 year old because I've not been bored once do you know what I mean because I'm literally waking up going, I've got to do something. So he needs to adopt.

Yeah, absolutely adopt. So what we were saying earlier, if you need a fucking reference, I'm here for you. Let's get a little Chinese one. What if we get a child? For have a word. For have a word.

A studio child. Yeah. Mum bem wei. Mum bem wei. Yeah, we'll get him. We'll get him in here. He can do the adverts. That'll be cute.

Like if you've got a child, if you've got an adopt... It's a bit 52. And we've got a child looking down the camera going, please, please, please buy the beer. I nearly didn't do the voice in. Don't worry, Dan, I've got it. Please buy the beer.

I need it. I'm going to die. If these people cannot afford to feed me I think having a kid In a pandemic Is a It makes everything Weirdly more focused

When it kicked off the first time And everyone was like oh shit Our jobs are gone I was having a problem not having panic attacks Because I don't it's not my like also because i'm friends with guys like scott bennett who is just a walking panic attack so there was one point when i was really keeping on top of it but it wasn't just like oh my job it was mortgage provider yeah kids so it made that more intense but then the day-to-day as that sort

of leveled out and then things sort of got easier the day to day of being like i've got to get up and look after this kid i can't be like what's the point there is a point because she's like what we're doing like a three-year-old doesn't know there's a pandemic so you've just got to get on with that we we found out we were having another baby a week before the first it basically started i was filming on this filming job and i got the call i got the the call, fucking hell, off my wife, saying she was pregnant. Off your agent? Yeah, I got the call from my agent.

She said she'd been in touch with the- All right, Pete, got a new job for you here, mate. Nine months time, you're going to have to be wiping arses again, son. Okay? That was proper Australian in the middle of that. Yeah, so we got that. So I had that proper fucking at the start of it, just going, oh shit, this is like, I'm good.

I was literally like, I'm just going to go and have to get a job like straight away and then yeah what did you do oh the rishi dollars came in we're all good um yeah just well i was i was i was working quite a lot up to it so it was all yeah it was all good are you still doing the radio stuff now i do bits so yeah yeah rock fm and radio city i do like their breakfast cover when someone's off and yeah but it's just like a week here and there so if you don't know pete's a comedian that we all we've gigged with for years but you've also been doing proper broadcasting fucking yeah rocket 97.4 rocket fm i had a job on the radio for like two two and a bit years something like that and then uh and then they just yeah they just binned all the radio industry off so that went so have you still been doing that through throughout since the pandemic you've still been going in and everything and then they just yeah they just binned all the radio industry off so that went so have you still

been doing that throughout since the pandemic yeah yeah you've still been going in and everything still been going in yeah so I probably

get a week every two months something like that I go and do it it's like just nice little are you basically the standing teacher yeah

are you the substitute radio DJ me and another girl do it together now a girl not another girl I've not come on here you girl not another girl I've not I've not come on here

you've got news yeah I've not come on here for an announcement just slip that one in yeah so yeah so we we just do that

and then yeah and then yeah just so that yeah it's quite nice really radio every day have you done radio no no i yeah i did radio every day is fucking i got an audition sort of do you remember what was the one in oldham

uh shanners shanners did the breakfast show in the weekend the weekend morning show and they were looking for cover and they gave me a go on a saturday afternoon i was like i think i'm gonna be really good at this i think i've got this went in did it and they never got back in touch really and i was like yeah it went pretty well yeah and they did not want to know radio is one of those you can feel like you fucking nail it and you've got a job going and then you can feel like nothing's coming and then suddenly there's like a a big job and you're like oh shit yeah but it does like so i when i did it so i was on rock f FM on the Drive Time show for a long time. And for some context, Jordan North, who's quite famous now,

I took over his job when he left, basically. Yeah, and he's just done... He's just done I'm a Celebrity, all that sort of stuff. So he's on Radio 1 now. That was just for anyone who's not heard of Rock FM, basically. So I did that.

You're just on your own, no producer or whatever for the afternoon show. Yeah, I was ready to go when I was done if you're going from there to like gigs and stuff and you're like yeah great because some days you're great you put something out and like loads people get in touch and then other days it's a bit like like i swore on air one day nobody rang nobody said anything oh that's brutal i was like oh shit this is over and then the next day I walked in my boss was like morning were you even listening John

it wasn't even like a little so I was doing this thing about how we had loads of fish cakes in our freezer because content was rife it was coming up to Halloween

and I was like oh I'm just going to put fish cakes out and I did this little bit where I was playing off and I was like yeah the kids are coming up they're like

what have you got have you got any sweets and I'm like no we've got fish cakes and they're like no sweets and I was like, yeah, the kids are coming up. They're like, what have you got? Have you got any sweets? And I'm like, no, we've got fish cakes. And they're like, no sweets. I'm like, no, we've got fish cakes to fucking burn. Anyways, Sam Smith is up next. And like literally no one here. So that's how you know you just need some validation

as a commercial radio presenter. When you start swearing on purpose just to feel like, just to check if anyone's so, okay, that was Kirsty with the weather. I fuck kids. And let to check if anyone's so okay that was kirsty with the weather i fuck kids and let's see if anyone gets back with me okay yeah and then sometimes they'll be like you'd walk in and they'll be like oh great numbers we've had our uh had our rage hours in absolutely amazing numbers i was like really fuck we were uh we were talking before you got here today about like uh you know the the the potential of move and have a word to a channel

of some sort yeah yeah do you think it's made up potential there's not like don't worry no one's coming commercial radio would would let us do what we do because we're just just just from an experienced all right so i'll give you so i got a um what's it called where you get a complaint like a an off-com complaint yeah i got an off-com complaint once yeah um and so this is this is your base level lads this is where you're at right so um so every day the i think it was the breakfast show used to give away a thousand pounds if people answered i think it's 10 questions in a minute or something they get them all right they win a thousand pounds playing that every morning right and i had to play it out every day on my drive time show and first of all commercial radio you kind of like you don't get that many links because you've adverts and all

that sort of stuff and then links you've got you want as your own so playing out someone else's content every day is a bit like fuck sakes do you know what i mean so i'm trying to give it my own own spice right and this woman won a grand and she was just like you know like your fucking manchester bit about yeah yeah the monotone yeah yeah she was like that and i um i think i think i came out of the link and just said something like so that was kerry from preston who's one of a thousand pounds for being the dullest person on earth or something like that and uh yeah just you got an off-com complaint yeah because she rang in and was really... Well, let me counter with something that we had on recently. I sellotaped Mother Teresa's picture to my face

and Adam called her a cum-guzzling whore. I think Radio X is there for you, lads. I think that's where you're looking. I didn't say she was a cum-guzzling whore. I said if she ever got fucked she might become one okay

have you emailed smooth FM I think classic FM is off the board yeah so that was the sort of like I think I can't remember

exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of being really dumb really innocuous it was the kind of stuff that as a stand up comedian would be the most

gentle of barbs that was always the gear change and I remember like one like one woman really innocuous it was the kind of stuff that as a stand-up comedian oh yeah would be the most gentle of barbs that was always the gear change and I remember like one like one woman who was quite matey within the in the office

came to me one day and she was like oh she went I talked to my auntie the other day about you she hates you like just about to go on air and I'm like

really and she's like yeah she says oh god that PE is horrible to people and I was like oh shit, really? Like, yeah.

Do you ever think people at Ofcom just want to write back and tell people to fuck off? Do you know what? Just grow up. Just shut up. Do you know what I always get really confused by? You know when there's like a headline in the Daily Mail where it's like, 134 Ofcom complaints for Love Island last night. And I'm like, where is the fucking crossover between people who are watching Love Island and people who

complain to Ofcom like where is that fucking diagram where they're in the middle going and 134 complaints out of a viewership of 9.2 million that's natural like oh my god can you believe 134 people complained who gives a fuck

every one of our episodes gets like three thumbs down on YouTube it's probably like the same show isn't it and it's the same three thumbs i'm gonna watch it who are these people that are tuning in though going yes i want to see some fucking adonis lads some tits out girl oh he slapped her ass no i'm fucking calling do you know what i mean like yeah where is the fucking crossover there i love it when people write in and complain to comedy clubs because if you if you at home you're on your couch, you've just finished your fucking chicken dippers, you're like

oh I didn't like that and you're just like whingy like I'm going to make a complaint but it's something else to go to a comedy club take fucking umbrage with some joke or like a side or observation and go right well I'm going to get home after my

night of comedy which was ruined and write a complaint and the most famous one at the frog and bucket is when someone hand wrote out a letter of complaint saying i uh enjoyed my night of comedy we were in the front row with my husband and i where the compere Phil Ellis called me a slag I am a married mother of two and work in a care home and I think you'll agree I am very much not a slag you're like I cannot believe she wrote it all out and then and then read it back and went yep i'm sending this i also think that you know just because you're a married mother of three works in a care home doesn't mean you can't be a slag do you know what i mean like if you want to be if you want to play around she shouldn't be speaking for all married women of three

you're not the fucking mp for slags. You shouldn't be speaking for all slags. You're not the fucking MP for slags. The elected representative. What is this, Slag Southwest? No, you are not the king. I tell you what, though. What a great place for a fucking stag do. Slag Southwest. Where are you going for the stag do?

Dublin, Newcastle, Fortland? We're going slag town. All right, I've heard it's really got a good strip this year. But also, like Phil Ellis, for anyone who doesn't know Phil Ellis, he's like, you wouldn't see him on stage doing 10 minutes and go i'm gonna take what that guy says seriously do you know i mean like he he's so silly he just dicks around and when he calls someone a slag it's that is the whole joke he's really not antagonistic he takes the piss yeah

he asks a really innocuous question they answer and he he goes, slag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something like that. And she went, I've got to write it. And fair fucks to the frog and bucket. They framed it. They got it. They framed it. They put it up in the dressing room.

Do you know the kind of person that would actually get really offended by that? Someone who is secretly a slag. Yeah. Like, do you know what? I'm going to go out on a limb yeah and let's let's just for the sake of this hope she's watching uh me and pete thinking a slag no

can you get an off-com complaint for youtube i'm not saying i think she's like i'm saying the sort of person that might get offended by someone who secretly is or was maybe one day oh i just think one day. One day? Just one? Really busy day? I don't think it's anything to do with what she is. I think she's just a dry, boring bellend. She wasn't bad, eh? I don't think she's like, oh God, I've sucked off three men

in the disabled toilets. I love what she did off Comstock. You've just reminded me of the weirdest fucking start to a job I've ever had. Morrison's Cafe when I was 16, I walked in and- You're like the second comic who sat on that couch who was working at Morrison's Cafe. Yeah, I put on about four stone in a year.

It was fucking amazing. It was like literally two sausages for them, one for me. What a swag. Swag. I literally walked in, the woman- I'd love to see you at the fucking, the hot plate going, non-sauce for you, non-fatty for me. Stop eating the sausages!

Stop eating the sausages. The woman who worked there, literally about half an hour into my shift, like little lull in the conversation, she just went, how many is the most people you've shagged in a day? What? What, different people?

She was like, mine's two. Was that right? And she put the second sausage in the day. What? What, different people? She was like, mine's two. Was that right? Has she put the second sausage in the barn? I know people who don't like a quiet room, do you know what I mean?

Like an awkward silence. House of interest, please. Yeah, yeah. One. Just the one. Just the one. No, just the one. Yeah, just the one.

Mine's seven. The one. 17. 17. 17. Where were you? 17. Where were you? Croatia. Yeah, just the one. Just the one. 17. 17. Where were you? 17. Where were you?

Croatia. Yeah. At a gay club. At a gay club. Slag. Oh, dear. Yeah. You were a bit of a man slag at one point, weren't you?

Have you ever fucked more than one girl in a day? Oh! Oh! Wow. Yeah, well, two at once, isn't it though does that count oh no no no no oh no so you just went beat roof uh no no no time for an advert guys i just you know when you're like, woo! No, yeah, I think so. You think so? Yeah. Or did it go after midnight? I sort of know so. You know so?

Yeah, it was like a gremlin thing. It was after midnight. It wasn't like, right, you finished up love, right? There's a wet wipe. Off you pop. Deborah, welcome. Is it two? Yeah, within 24 hours.

Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. Liam. Festivals, you know what I mean? Festivals? Yeah. I've never, you know, festivals.

Where are you bonking at a festival? In the tent? It better fucking have been in the tent. Yeah, I suppose so. It can't be underneath the main stage, can it? Day one, though. No one needs a day three shag at a festival. Oh, there isn't enough wet wipes to make that all right.

Yeah. I found love on a Sunday. you're a dirty person oh my god yeah no i think yeah that was a very uh dangerous little few minutes of my life there it felt very like i got a wife in the third trimester that beer is making me a bit loose as well because i was like oh yeah let's talk should we have a beer for the last section i can't i'm on antibiotics okay slag all right let's have a little intervalle let's have a break let's have some money cons can i have one yeah have an australia galicia all right everyone this week's episode is brought to you by SupremeCBD.UK.

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A lot of people are starting to use this stuff now, and it's really, really helping people. We've got a 30% code with supreme cbd that code as always is weird w-o-r-d head to supreme cbd.uk right now and use the promo code weird at checkout let's get back to the pot we are back it's 97.8 have a word we're in the studio with Pete mama like that I just pressed any button

and it was mama like that sorry we've got wacky buttons and everything yeah wacky as fuck mate ones for death

so got a few odder odder odder odder would you like or would you rather you've got a would you rather feel about you sir

uh i would rather like a would you rather and that's the kind of banter we do at 97.8 have a word can't base their firm um would you rather from landry this is from landry okay he's always one of the first to comment on YouTube. Good on you, lad. All right. Would you rather be able to pause real life or rewind it? Bernard's Watch. So, you get a power. It's a weird superpower.

It's Bernard's Watch. I'm too old for Bernard's Watch. What's Bernard's Watch? Was it on kids' TV? Bernard's Watch was essentially he could pause his life, but he could still move throughout it. So everyone else was paused, and he could shimmy through.

So he could play cricket against himself, was one of them. He'd bowl the ball, click his watch. First thing I'd do if I could pause time, I'd set up a cricket match. That's definitely what I'd do. I would... Hang on. What would you do if you could pause life? What I'd do. I would-

Hang on. What would you do? If you could pause life, what would you do? I would- Put your hands up. Who is going straight to a bank like a fucking child? Yeah. That's what everyone used to say.

We went straight to boobs. Oh, yeah. Definitely boobs. Yeah. Me and Carl went straight to boobs. And you were like, oh, money. Yeah. I went straight to the Champions League final

In the end Such fucking children You went straight to what? I went straight to the Champions League final So if I gave you The ability to pause time Now

You'd go to the Champions League final No I'd wait till Liverpool are in A Champions League final Pause it Push the striker When it gets cut back

For the tap in I'd just move people Out the way And score the winner So the first thing you'd do Is wait Three years Until in I just move people out the way and score the winner so the first thing you do is wait three years until they're in

you score the winner yeah and no one had noticed so how it would look on TV was out of all of a sudden

the ball goes in the box there's a glitch in the fucking matrix and a 29 year old came in and goes did it you know that Sunderland match right it's the fucking beach ball it's year old came in and goes did it you know that Sunderland

match where I hit the fucking beach ball it's like that but Ro just pops up like do you know what VAR is what

it'd be a quite an easy spot on VAR what would oh yeah you have to make sure you're in merch yeah I'd wear the full kit

I'd like carry Firmino off and put him in the dressing room and he'd think you were in for the bit. Could you imagine if you accidentally unpaused time

when you had Bobby Firmino? You were just halfway down the tunnel at the Champions League final. Everything's deadly silent. All the players are like, and you've got not unlocked. Like Bobby Firmino is what 5'10 5'11 you've got him

over your shoulder and then all of a sudden you hear noise and you're like oh fuck I've accidentally unpaused that and then you see his big Brazilian teeth

like why the fuck is that my leg fucking hell lad I love it how you're you've got the power to pause time and in yours

you have to wait for Liverpool like eight years go by Adam's like I'm gonna fucking pause the shit out of time. And in yours, you have to wait for Liverpool. Like eight years go by, Adam's like, I'm going to fucking pause the shit out of time. I could pause things on the way and help them get to the Champions League final. So every game we play, I just move their goalkeeper slightly out the way of the ball

as he's about to save her. Yeah, it's going to look weird, isn't it? As the ball comes in, and then literally on the rewind, it would be like... No, but you could put like... So you could move the ball so it looked like the ball was... You know, if you did it slowly, it would just look like the ball was like...

Just look like a wind. A real problem with gust of wind here in front of the Kop, especially when the away team is shooting. The ball comes in, great strike. Where did boobs go? I'd love to know you want to look and touch tits i understand yeah but as grown men in relationships who have access with permission to boobs what were you going to do with pausing times and boobs i've got to be so i think it's because right i'm gonna to put a caveat in which I'm going to

save my arse here I think it's because I watched this program as a child slash teenager when I wasn't married so that was where my immediate answer

came from and when you weren't married as a child you always had and yeah but also you can look at boobs on the internet

but there's like it's not better than the one in HD right in front of your face no no but what I mean is but there's like... There's not a better one in HD right in front of your face. No, no, but what I mean is like, there's like... So, how do you see boobs? Tell me how you see boobs.

Right. As a teacher, as a child, like for instance, you might have a teacher where you're like, what do her boobs look like? Exactly. So... Carl, yes, he's with me.

Yes, he's with me. So, there's a child. He has Bernard's watch. Yeah. He has Bernard's watch. He has Bernard's watch. Yeah. So you sat in. I've just realised how fucking racy this is.

So I just want you to play it out. This is us as kids. We're so innocent in my own watching this show. I know. I know. Yeah. Let's play it out. You're kids.

You're in geography. You've got Bernard's watch. You pause it. You go up to the teacher. No. You unbutton her blouse. Take her bra off. Go, well, this is illegal go chebs

teacher chebs then you put a bra back on no you obviously follow her home and wait until she's in the shower no but wow you were all little mini rapists yes absolutely in the boot i'm not saying i do this by the way i'm just saying I know what they're saying genuinely though if you want to tell me that this is a sexist thing you cannot tell me for sure that there's no one in an all girls school having a look at Mr Rogers dick let's not make it a battle of the sexes

is that the one they're going for I love it how I don't know old dick Roger not just Roger we had a teacher at our school um who was the head of history and his name was richard and when he answered the phone when you were in detention he would answer it hello this is dick head of history and fuck me he would literally he knew what he was doing because he would look up and go like you're not allowed to fucking laughing

then yeah no i would just like to go back to that boob thing and just go head of history hello this is dick head of history that boob thing was just go, head of history. I know this is dick head of history. That boob thing was my immediate answer and I've just realised it's because that was really ingrained in me. As a child. As a child going, yeah, you want to look at boobs and I want to look at that teacher's boobs.

That's what I want to do. How does it work at a bank, the old pausing time? I have to admit, the pausing, no, guys, I swear to God, it's like I'm talking to all the 12 year old versions of you.

Like, what boobs? What a geography. What Mrs. Chester's tits. I'm talking to all the 12 year old versions of you like what boobs what geography what Mrs. Chester's tits I just want to see them you know I know it's sexual assault but she's paused in time she doesn't know

so is it sexual assault if she doesn't know do you know the funniest thing hey if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it is it

so if I touch a teacher's tit and time is paused, am I a nonce? Why is this nonce? The scouse is the nonce. A child nonce. It's the other way around. Great, brilliant. It's anti-nonce.

That was literally like arguing with a woman, Matt. Like, oh, nonce. Nonce. I've got you on the back foot now. You said the wrong word. Do you know the most amazing thing about that? Well, a nonce is the worst thing you can be in the world. a child looking at an adult's tits is the opposite of a nonce so it's the opposite of the worst thing in the world which means the best thing in the world your

child and a teacher's tits means good mental mental this is my business partner yeah no absolutely i would i would like to and this could be i mean this could be like a youtube video that goes viral type situation i would love to see 12 year old boys try and panic while they're trying to get a bra back on for the first time because they've never fucking touched oh my god i can't fucking do the clock i'm gonna live here forever i really feel bad for the teacher yeah there's a kid like sat back and sweated looking all flustered as time starts again and she's got like a bra wrapped around her head one tit out her hair's all like children oh yeah yeah yeah so that's

yeah that's definitely where but i feel like i feel like they were asking for that i feel like i feel like i feel like they've managed to get out of this and you keep putting yourself back reverse back down no can I can I can I just I feel like I feel like they were asking for that doing Bernard's Watch like as a

kids TV programme going yeah we're gonna make it possible for you kids to do anything and all these little lads just going yeah

genuinely how useful is it like like I don't how would you rob a bank if you could pause time you'd have to like

rob the drawers wouldn't you yeah you'd end up robbing small independent businesses yeah basically you'd be just robbing cash only car washes tax dodgers fucking money launderers how depressing would that be as you tried to fucking rob the fish and chip shop and you couldn't get in the till and everything's paused around you and you're moving around how could you ever not get in the till you just wait until she fucking opens it and then you press it all right yeah yeah yeah good point i just rob old women's handbags yeah you can do that anyway you don't need to watch for that you need a claw and a mask i'm gonna drive back to the Lake District after this. A little safe place.

How bad would things have to get for you to rob someone who's vulnerable? Fucking hell. How is that a question? Nope. You've been in a weird mood all day. It's like he's trying to find the line of where we can get our own show cancelled yeah

do you reckon any of our sponsors watch? not convinced not absolutely convinced do you think Rybina are still involved? you'd just go for like the ones you'd do a bit of searching with it, wouldn't you? You'd go and find really old pricks. You know what I mean?

If someone's like really old and racist. No, I'm not pausing time to rob old people. No, he's not talking about that. You're absolutely fucking numpties. He's not talking about that. He's talking about like if you are on hard times and you know robbing old people, easy money.

Yeah. You find them offshites. Old racist nuns. Right right so you've got to basically research to find out that they're like a racist yeah to find out the sexual offenders near you it's called nonce near me.com is it knock knock nonce is it not is it.co.uk or.com it's nonce near me.com because it's worldwide all right put your postcode in tells you how many sexual apprentices there are in your area yeah yeah yeah that's an actual thing in it yeah it's an eye it actually is a real thing fuck off i just thought you'd be in it no no you can get an app and it shows you on your road who

is on the sexual offense on your road it does it says no i know but they're not on every road are they no no it's not like which one on your own 14 but yeah it says because you've got to sign the register to be for public knowledge so it lets you know once you've gone on it yeah there's that thing in um raising arizona where jesus the bowler has to go around and tell everyone on his new street that he's a sex offender and i was like i honestly again you know through films you think things are real i thought you had to do that if you moved in as a sex offender yeah let your neighbors know that you were on the list just write nonce on your own house no just knock on like you just just moved into the neighborhood i've made you some banana bread enjoy that lovely

with a cup of coffee just before i go i am a sex offender okay little kids okay lovely lovely stuff okay smashing great stuff probably get them to play in the back garden what would you do if you went on noncenamee.com and you checked your family out and you found out that their house was on the thing? It'd be horrible, that, wouldn't it? Yeah. Like, noncenamee.com, you put like...

I think finding... Are we pissing around? Is this a website? I'm trying to get the podcast cancelled. I don't think it's called noncenamee. I don't think it's called noncenamee. I think it's like... It's not called noncenamee. No, it's called I don't think it's called Nonsense Near Me I don't think it's called Nonsense Near Me I think it's like It's not called Nonsense Near Me

No it's not In fact calling it over here I'm going to give you that Right Someone get that website Get the domain Let's do it No

But there is There is a You can check You can check who's near you A Tinder for wrongans Yeah well Yeah I'm looking for a wrongan

And I'm not willing to travel more than 10 miles yeah yeah good word nonsense um it's uh yeah what would you do for what one of your family members yeah if you found out like your fucking your uncle or whatever was like on the list would you then bring it up with them because i don't think it tells you what they've never fucking on the website i don't think you get like it they've done I've never fucking seen it I don't think you get it does there's a picture of them on their offence all of their offences

yes it's a register like when you look at a football player and it tells you what they've won like their appearances where they've been

honours in the wikipedia 2011 2012 career statistics fucking hell they got a gun in Benidorm he's got an international cap

it lists the offences as a picture of their face Christ almighty I mean beyond your family did they get to pick the picture they use

I think it's like no filters it's like the passport pictures isn't it no filters allowed you can't take

a selfie it'll just be like a have you never been arrested in that year mugshot taken no

have you not have you been arrested have you three times yeah you've been arrested three times you? Three times, yeah. You've been arrested three times?

That's a weird segue from... Nonsfinder.com. Have you never been arrested? No. Fucking hell. Well, good. What have you been arrested for? First one was... Oh my God, Pete.

I've talked about this on the thing in Australia where I pissed off a balcony. Yes. And there was a policeman still below me. I say I pissed on a policeman. Is that a true story? Yeah, yeah. I was pissing off a balcony and there was a policeman stood right there and he was like right um second one drink driving but didn't get done right but to be fair because uh because you live in cumbria no one cares we were quite far away so this is just another story i do with stand up but I was 17 we'd gone to a beer festival I drove us home

there was six of us in the car my mate Sam was in the boot can I just say of your parents to let that ride right guys where you going

a beer festival at 17 just got your licence Pete well as long as you're the designated driver I can't see a fucking problem so my mate Sam was in the boot

like just like had a massive 10inch gash on his head. I literally put my hand on his head as soon as he got out of the boot, and blood was dripping down my elbow. What happened with the crash? We were, well, the car was quite heavy because it was overloaded. And you were drunk.

And I was drunk. Look at you blaming the vehicle. What happened with the crash? There was no power steering. There was no, yeah. There was no... Yeah, so we went through a wall at like 40, 50 miles an hour. Through a wall? Yeah, yeah.

Into a family home? A field. We're in the middle of nowhere, so we called for the police right away. I was like trying to make myself be sick and stuff to try and get like alcohol out of my bloodstream. That normally helps as well. Yeah, yeah.

If you're sick, so you smell more like alcohol. I was sick in a conference. There was a bottle of absinthe on the back seat that had gone all over everybody so we were scared that that was going to go up when the police turn up and they're like can you smell can you smell alcoholic sick and he's covered in vomit i bet you he wasn't driving so we got we got to um we got to uh we got to the they came over they blew me and i blew up like massively and then um went back to the police station but this was like quite a while later i hadn't had that much but like uh and then we got

back to the police station basically and then they have to do the official one that's the legal one and there's a legal limit and then a prosecuting limit and there's one or two milligrams between so that they can't say in court well maybe it was the uh yeah i know what you mean um and i was in between the two limits at like that was like three hours later basically uh so they sent me on a driven dangerous driving course that was the second one and then this third one you got away i'll tell you what you got away i know big time i know you've not i know we're making light of it there but if there's anyone that yeah oh just don't do it like it is yeah it's it's such a killer the police turned up and she was like she's so we went and saw her the next day because so we crashed in the middle of nowhere in the lake district and my mate lived

like three fields away and he was like look there's too many of us here the police can ask questions i need i'm closest i'm gonna run home right so one of them ran home right and then the police turned up it's like yeah normal five of us why has he got massive gas in his head oh there was a skateboard in the boot and it came up and hit him on the back of the head we said right so then next day my mate george who'd run home goes he was in the middle seat just with that belt on and he was pissing blood and uh so we had to go to the to take take him to the hospital had to go back to the police station because at the hospital they were like you were here last night weren't you because i took him to the hospital they were like yeah yeah and they were like uh he wasn't here was he part of this crash and they're like yeah so took him and they were

like you need to go and amend your statement at the police station so went to the police station and she was basically like look and this isn't i wouldn't make light of this but she was like we turned up and we immediately said this is multiple fatalities like no problem at all and then obviously wasn't but yeah awful so yeah so that was the second second one um and then third one was the murder yeah yeah murder different rules in kendall in it different rules in kendall australia piss on policemen yeah you drink drive you get away with it yeah and then uh yeah and then i just called the policeman a cunt basically you call them a cunt yeah there was a reason well I was a bit pissed off

with the police at the time where was this in Kendal were you at the Black Lives Matter parade I was just a bit pissed I saw it

it really kicked off in Kendal the Black Lives Matter they really got behind it basically my I don't know this is comedy podcast come on though

but it's good yeah yeah alright alright if it's all shtick it lacks a bit of backbone alright so my funny first interesting second yeah this I'll say this next sentence you two will go oh okay uh so my old man died in a car crash and uh he died in the middle of the lake district

now we're talking yeah there we go um and uh the dead parents sorry yeah we've done mine and yours yeah and you i'd press it. Just don't laugh. Just a little joke, lads. Come on. You all right, lad? So this was like on the Friday or something, right? And on the Sunday, the next day, so my old man's died in a car crash.

And the next day, I log on to Twitter and I follow our local police force and the local uh it's like a police officer who's taking a selfie at the bottom of my dad's crash site going lovely view from the office today um so i tweeted it out of the official fucking police so obviously i went nuts and for a little while after that i was a little bit fucking pissed off with the police so genuinely this guy took a selfie woman yeah she took a selfie like the obviously the crash wasn't in there but i knew where it was she was like uh oh this pass in the lake district is closed today um what a lovely view from the office i'm having though or something

like that and i what was that what was her thinking there that it raises awareness of like don't crash around not even a crash but just like like content is king they literally try and like, don't crash around here. No, not even a crash, but just like... Content is king. They literally try and do content, don't they? They try and do like friendly stuff. And I personally, since then, I've got a bit of a fucking bee in my bonnet, obviously. Personally, since then, I feel like official Twitter accounts like that should just be for official things.

It's not like, you know when it's like, oh, have you seen this police account that's having banter with so-and-so or something? I'm like, nah, fucking bring that on. Yeah, because of course course any official account is sorry about that we had a little bit of a tech issue when when the camera went just as we were getting to a fucking juicy bit slagging off police twitter police twitter so tell us once again pete why are the police overfunded but it is it is just some 23 year old who does the media account and definitely so he's like

oh my god this will be great when football clubs get annoyed because the football twitter account did banter and it was like it's fucking disgusting you shouldn't shouldn't do it it's not the club is it yeah yeah it's some bell and going also when it's a football club like it's a football club like they're not like yeah publicly you know i mean it's i don't know yeah when it's the ballers when it's the fucking police uh it does seem weird for the police to be having banter about deaths and stuff don't it about anything i feel like just anything just like just shut up and be the police without being a dick like just get on with your job do you know what i mean like it's not your job isn't banter like and if you're one of the bell sniffs that follows your local police constabulary then you're part of the problem as well like who do you follow

get some absolutely cracking banter from fucking west yorkshire police that's great no definitely and then like yeah you seem like go viral now don't you because like policeman's done a fucking funny reply but just to go back to why we brought this up in the first place yeah yeah so you got arrested for calling a police so me and me my now wife were on our way home after a night after like a big afternoon drinking yeah it's like 11 at night driving again yeah yeah driving i did not learn his lesson i just thought for a piss uh we're walking up to my mom's house and literally we're like 200 yards away or something and i think we're having an argument over pizza and the police stopped because

like two people are arguing in the street on a sunday night it's not like um classic police stop for that in kendall yeah yeah yeah yeah because in liverpool they were just driving right past that shit. And so she's going, no, no, he's fine. He's absolutely fine. Don't worry. And then they're going,

I think they wanted to check that she was all right. And then... Which is fair. Yeah, which is fair. And then their boss turned up and he, Emma literally went, look, we're going to that house there,

like 200 yards away. Just let me get him there. He'll fucking fall straight asleep. I'll eat the pizza. Don't worry. And he went, went right just go home right now and we won't do anything and apparently i just turned around and went yeah well you're a cunt aren't you he's like i've got to arrest you know haven't i like that's literally like yeah i'm allowed to swear at them i don't think no what it's like one of those i hate adults who don't like i swear words you know like you should be allowed to call the police

whatever you want to call them. But would you should think? If it's their job, should they have to take that off you? I think... Yeah. I'll put it here now. I think it's absolutely fair enough

that I was arrested. Right. No, I think you should have been... No, you can't say whatever you want to an officer of the law. What if they are being a cunt? Yeah. I mean, that's... The issue there is he wasn't, was he? whatever you want to the off an officer of the law what if they are being a cunt yeah i mean that

the issue there is he wasn't was he that probably has happened historically yeah but you know yeah my dad called the policeman a gobshite didn't i told you that story when i got done for wasting police time didn't get arrested um yeah and basically i told the police i'd been mugged which i had and they went well we don't think you have and if we look into it even more and we find out you definitely haven't then you'll get a criminal record and this was in my dad's living room

and my dad just went he's being a gobshite just fucking paid a fine tell him to fuck off just move on with your life and they didn't do him because he was actually talking to you about him

yeah clever yeah that is clever that's a little apparently that's a little rule as long as you're not looking at the police officer yeah well you won't turn to stone love listen we will go home but i just want you to know not looking at him he's a cunt so yeah so that was my that was my three arrests how fucking what a wuss that i've never been arrested i feel like yeah well i feel like

it is surprising that i've been arrested though. Like, I feel like. You were one of the more. In this room. It's you. Yeah, I feel like I'm a bit of a fanny really. Who are you looking at? No, I don't know.

I'm very respectful when I need to be. I mean, you were both quite surprised, to be fair, that I'd been arrested at all. So I think three times. No, I wasn't. Well, you're an edgy, you're an edgy radio presenter

but you're not the harshest comedian we know you are married with two children and you live in the fucking Lake District yeah close to the Lake District you're not exactly like Omar from The Wire are you no

no yeah I wonder what I will be arrested for because it's going to happen you know you know what I mean I wonder what it'll be arrested for because it's going to happen isn't it you know what I mean I wonder what it'll be it's not going to be drugs

nope I don't take drugs I'm not going to rule out selling them I don't I can't see that in your immediate future no I can't see it

you basically drive between Runcorn and West Derby so you're not like top of the mule list lads take this package over the fucking Mersey flow

I feel like you're best we've got four kilograms of heroin, but we're not paying the fucking toll. Send Ro. I feel like your best chance is during COVID, just fucking like... Yeah, having another house party. Got away with the first one.

Bubble? What? Bubble. Fucking bubble bath, lad. Fucking bubbles everywhere, lad. I didn't do that of course like everyone doesn't know anyone who follows you on instagram's like yeah i'm all right i haven't done anything all right cool yeah yeah no no i was just i was you made a joke and i was making a joke as well yeah yeah you know uh-huh You know? Uh-huh. You're full of cum bubbles. Anyway. If I was single and didn't have kids and wasn't married and stuff,

fuck me, I'd be... Breaking the rules. Not living by the rules that are in place. Yeah, but the thing is, you live in Kendal, and as we've just learned, the rules don't really apply to you lot anyway. I'll tell you why they don't apply.

Talking about drink driving and stuff. I went and worked out in Australia for a while on a farm, and the farmer was a bit of like a local celeb. And one time he got arrested, pulled over for drink driving and stuff i uh i went and worked out in australia for a while on a farm and the farmer was a bit of like a local celeb and one time he got arrested pulled over for drink driving and he goes uh so we've just been at the curriculum all afternoon he's had a couple of beers or whatever but literally i mean you're driving like in australia it's like in a fucking desert and it's a straight line back to his house where was it in ours it's not like built up sydney it's like four hours outside of melbourne four hours east of melbourne place called

gippsland it was like proper dairy farmer country and that's what i was doing i was milking cows Sydney suburbs. It's like four hours outside of Melbourne, four hours east of Melbourne, place called Gippsland. It was like proper dairy farmer country and that's what I was doing. I was milking cows, right? So we drive from this, we drive from this, from this fucking, he's probably had like two, two too many beers than he should,

but like they drink them that big over there. So it's like nothing. Driving away, gets pulled over. Policeman comes to the window, he goes, oh, Ian, you're on mate. He's like, oh, fuck it.

Oh, we know this guy then. And he goes, oh, have you, have you had a drink? And he goes, oh yeah, yeah yeah so he blows his thing and it blows up as well he goes oh mate you're lighting up like a christmas tree and he goes well i've just had a fucking sip so can you do it again in five minutes like he's literally drinking on the on the wheel he's going oh yeah yeah that's fine chatting away and then they blow him again and he goes ah that'll do and that's it and they just send him on i got told by my bar i think i honestly think and that's not making light of like you're

driving i think country australia is like a different fucking yeah of course it's like it's like it's literally like living in a fucking desert do you know what i mean like if he come off the road he's not doing anything do you know what i mean he's like over the air they have to wait 20 minutes after your last drink to breathalyzer my barber told me that oh really so if you say if they go when did you last have a drink if you go literally five minutes ago They have to wait 20 minutes after your last drink to breathalyzer. My barber told me that. Oh, really? So if you say, if they go, when did you last have a drink? If you go literally five minutes ago, they have to wait 15 minutes before the breathalyzer. Gives you more time to sober up.

Yeah. And then they come back. I mean, but if you're way over, it's just, you're still done, aren't you? But there's a chance it could bring you down. If you've had like two or three pints. Is it fair to say you've just finished? The agricultural communities have a slight issue with drink driving and the rules on drink driving because once you're in the country

you're like ah i know those rules apply but not really to us because i mean like a 10 square mile radius there's me farmer jones and farm i've never done it again but that was definitely my thinking when i was 17 years old like we took we took the country lane home do you know what i mean like there was a dual carriage where we could have gone yeah and then in rural australia it's just another level i know someone who was told that so i know someone who served in uh the army and he served in iraq and when he come back he was speeding on the motorway and he had had a drink and he was pulled over by the police and was getting into it and stuff. And the policeman seen on the back of his, uh, the back of his car and on the back seat,

like his army uniform was like, what's that? He's like, I just got back from Iraq and he put the breather out of the way and was like, Oh, I can tell you're not drunk. Uh,

yeah. Get off the, get off the motorway or someone else will pull you over. Take the country lane zone. Yeah. Drink driving on a motorway is not the same thing as rural Britain or Australia

is it if you're pissed and you're on a motorway you this person wasn't pissed but he was over the limit it's the most dangerous place you can be in it

ridiculous oh fucking hell shall we do or have a word to wrap this off as it's you know a tradition old boy

we should it's the title of the show Daniel it's time to have a word with Adam and it's the title of the show daniel it's time to have a word with adam and dan tell us all the problems you have with your friends this was going to be the whole podcast and now it's just the final 10 percent um uh have a word right want to keep this anonymous fucking hell guys grow some balls man put a name on it. Give him a name. Is it a man or a woman? Don't know.

Sam. Sam. Weird. Weird that you'd pick that one. Okay, right. That's a really good point, actually. Billy. Billy, okay.

This is from Billy Piper. Could be Elliot or Piper, yeah. Yeah. Have a word. Want to keep this anonymous. My name is Billy, Elliot or Piper. Eilish. So I'd like you to have a word with my boyfriend.

He has a girl best friend, which any other time I will be okay with. It's a female. Guys, it's female. We've got three female listeners. Let's concentrate. However, they have a bit of a romantic history, and she has made it very clear to me that she still has strong feelings for my boyfriend and that she does not like me at all. My boyfriend does not see an issue with this.

There have been times where they arranged to do something, then last minute he will fuck off to go and be with her. Once or twice, I wasn't asked about it, but it's all the fucking time. She even has the audacity to message me and let me know my boyfriend is with her and I don't have to worry. She rubs it in my face every time I do eventually see him and she's there. So please can you have a word with him because it

makes me feel like pure shit and makes me think he still loves her. Also want to clarify this was going on before lockdown and I just don't want it to happen again whenever Bojo lets us the fuck out. Thanks from Billy Piper. Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah I mean fuck out thanks from billy piper batman no no no no no no i mean like i'm sorry i i i don't

consider myself the jealous type but fuck that noise mate like new new new new as your missus got male close friends no no killed them all gone dead they're all dead yeah mysterious accidents terrible stuff they were in the fucking boots as well

I tell you what though I've got I've got some female friends yeah that I'm still mates with but nothing like what

have you been with them though no exactly that's the kicker isn't it oh I have I one of my best men was a woman. Right, yeah, yeah.

I had three best men and a best woman. Kate John was, although she was really going to be a groomswoman and she went, mate, give me this because I really want to be a best woman. Can you give it me? I was like, yeah, all right, fuck it.

She wanted it more than it would have bothered me to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was best woman. I also had Morgz was one of my groomswomen. Yeah, yeah. Kate Mulgrew is one of my really like best mates

my friend Kate John is one of my best mates the proviso of that friendship is that you have never yeah stuck your dick

in or around them or want to yeah it's just as Adam says that is the bottom line yeah if you

if you if you if you would Bernard watch her, then it can't, then you cannot be friends with her anymore. If she's even in your top 10 of the Bernards watch, then you are not allowed to be anywhere near her anymore. No, no, no. It just can't happen, can it?

No, he's being. This is the second one of these. Really, yeah. It just can't happen, can it? No, he's being... This is the second one of these. Really, yeah. Where we've got boys, we've got girls. I love it that girls watch our stuff and listen as well. And I think because we're two guys on a podcast and we talk a lot of shit, but if you call out country, you call out country, don't you?

The first one before you got here was basically a case of a guy going i know we split up a while ago but i still want to fuck you and then not be in a relationship with you so that's shithousery isn't it and this is this is not good no are we having are we having a word with him yeah he's gotta fuck one of these women out of his lives out of his life do you know what i mean he's got to fuck one of these women out of his life. Do you know what I mean? He's either got to stop being mates with that one or Jim is Mrs. Off. I think the thing is as well, are they in a friendship group?

Do you know what I mean? That's all right. You can see them in a group situation. They're not, though. These two women hate each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't like each other at all.

Laura's got no mates that are guys. Yeah. And when we met six seven years ago i was like oh why is that because i've got my mate claire kate mulgs and she was like um because they always try and have sex with me yeah and like she wasn't she didn't say it in an arrogant way in any way. But Laura's beautiful. But it always gets weird. If she's mates with a guy from work and they get on really well and they've done it under the guise of like, oh, no, we're mates, you know, I'm a mate from work. And then inevitably, works night out, they do the leaning. The old works do leaning.

What about... they do the the leaning the old works do leaning well what about I yeah so she just hasn't got any male friends I think I've actually only got one real like

that would meet for a drink outside you've met my mate Lauren oh yeah and she's well sound yeah and also we all went to school

together me her and my missus so it's sort of different in it like they know each other their mates so that's sort of different anyways but yeah like yeah that's eggy as fuck yeah it's just like once you stuck the dick in do you know what what i would say is we're having a word with him

but it's down to you mate and it was the same with the first email you know if you're writing in like all you're doing when you're writing in is going i know what the problem is like you're asking us for a judgment and we're going yeah of course yeah but what she's doing is she wants she wants to be able to go to him and go well they agree with me dickhead so you can keep all the arguments to yourself literally these three cunts sat in a fucking cupboard in runcorn think you're a dickhead as well. It's not just me. And we've got female friends and we get it but if you're with someone and you love them

there's a lot of trust involved in that and they go, mate, can I just say that I know you're mates with her but you have fucked her and she is a weird like, she's weirdly bitchy with me and it makes me feel insecure. If you turn around and go, nah, you're talking shit then that's not on, is it? To play devil's advocate really quickly, though.

That's what we're here for. Surely if he wanted it, he would be either carried on doing it. I think he is. Do you reckon? Yeah. Best of both worlds. 100%. Honestly.

Is he tupping on the side? You know, this have a word, just lulled a little bit as we came to a really normal sort of agreed conclusion. There was a part of me after doing this with Adam for so long that was like, that's weirdly not satisfying that Adam hasn't accused someone. And then you're right at the end, you're like, no, he is. He's fucking someone.

He's shagging her. No, look, you can't tell me. No, I agree. You can't tell me that there's nothing at least, like, I'm not necessarily saying he's knobbing her and she's fucking biffing him. Do you know what, as a man, I would find it, let me get this right.

Right. I think I would find it hard to be around a woman who I knew wanted me if I wasn't gonna right is that right is that the reason you don't go to gay clubs yeah absolutely just because when you're around men that just want you you're like i totally agree with what you're saying no i'm not i'm not saying i'd even be tempted but i feel like it would bring in like a level of temptation even if i didn't fancy it i'd be like well if i could do you know what i mean like i feel like it would always be there in the back of your mind does that sound yeah yeah yeah I'm trying not to get into trouble on

here no but you're right and any man who says otherwise he's like no I just like the fact that I know that I'm attractive and I just know they're talking shit I wouldn't even want it in my parameters I'd be like no I don't even want to know if anybody likes me hey and also we're not we're not talking about being mates like yeah like you in life you've got your partner's mates you've got old friends you've got your mates girlfriends you've also in comedy there's loads of attractive like like comedians and there's people who work behind bars and in management and in promotion and everything but being best mates means that at points yeah you will be like like there'll be intimate moments won't there well it's just you two watching a film yeah it's just you two at the

end of a night out it's just you two like oh fuck i can't get a taxi back it's so late uber's not working i'll stay in the spare room that's being close friends there are some people who you're like listen i know we're sound but i can't be in those situations with you because it's entrapment. Yeah. It's not even about the temptation thing. Genuinely. I don't think I'm being temptation. I feel like just like.

No, but if he wants to be with this girl who's written in, he's got like, look, some men and some women are absolute, insecure, psycho, control freak gobshites. And she isn't. Do you know what I mean? She's got every right. So if he wants to be with her, he's got to accept that she's not comfortable with this

and that it's reasonable for her to not be comfortable with it. It's not like she's going, listen, right, you're my boyfriend. If you see a woman in the street, you cross the road. She's not doing that. She's going, you know that woman you see a woman in the street, you cross the road. She's not doing that. She's going, you know that woman you fucked a couple of times whose number you've got and you keep cancelling plans with me

to go and see. And keeps being eggy with me. I'm just like, not saying it's a deal breaker, but I have written into my favourite podcast to see what they think. Like she's being, I'm not calling anyone a cunt.

I just wanted to back the fuck off a little bit. Yeah, we've all been with those girls who are like, did you just look at her? You're like, yeah, because we're in Wilco's and she works here. She's at the fucking cashier. My first girlfriend hit me in the head with a handbag and it was a Scouse Girls handbag as well. They have metal chains on and they're full of shite okay yeah because i gave carl's girlfriend a hug on a night out slag yeah

i know somebody oh no i didn't i meant oh god carl fuck i love your missus yeah like his missus was getting off and i'm like Alright I see you Let's give her a hug And she's like Did you Yeah His will goes all over the place Rock Heiser's in the head With a fucking Machino bag Yeah no this isn't that

Is it No she's I had a mate Who we played football For an hour And he had like 167 missed calls And we worked out

That his partner Had literally been Ringing him like Ring ring Voicemail Straight down Like for a whole hour And he just sat there

And his phone was still ringing he was like they'd been seeing each other for like two weeks and he's like what the fuck is going on mate this isn't that is it it's nowhere near that

do you know what though the 167 missed call girl at least she did it in the first two weeks at least she let him know early listen listen I've been able to

hold it together for the first five dates but I am a fucking lunatic you're at five a side that's four dicks you could be sucking right now

admittedly I don't play five a side and I don't know the rules of football it's actually nine if you can get the other team involved yeah yeah yeah

after our tubs at least she got all that fucking crazy right in the shop window at the start of the sale road on her because it's the the really mental ones

are like when you sign the lease on the fucking rented property and then the night in you're like wait so we've got our first flat together

and she's like and another thing so you'd rather the psycho come out early honestly get all of psycho come out early. Honestly, get all of your psycho out early because some guys, Get it on the table of who you are.

Some girls, they want the jealousy. They want, and I'm not talking about the nasty stuff. I'm talking, some people thrive on all the bananas and all the drama. Yeah.

They want a girl who's like, where have you been? And some girls want the guy who's like, you better not fucking look at him. Don't, most people don't, but they want a girl who's like and some girls want the guy who's like you better not fucking look at him don't not most people don't but they want that but at least if it's all out early you can make that decision it's a fucking nightmare when you've been with someone for ages and then you're like oh my god is she cutting her own fringe crying in the living room yeah that was a very honest moment that That felt so real. And I was like, I looked at Carl like,

this is the real one. And then you went, yeah, that was real. You got so red. That was real. And we are still sponsored by Ribena. I'll save you for 12 month contract. The thing is though, right, I don't want any of that.

I genuinely just want a nice, trusting relationship where you both are like, right, I don't want any of that. I genuinely just want a nice, trusting relationship where you both are like, no, do you know what? Don't do shit like this because this makes you an arsehole.

But, you know, I've got girl mates, you've got lab mates, that's all fine. But at the same time, I do find it attractive if I'm fearing for me life

a little bit. That's why like, Alice Morgan from Luther is like my dream woman. And it's not the actress. it attractive if i'm fearing for me life a little bit that's why like alice morgan from luther is like my dream woman and it's not the actress it's the character if there's a risk that you might be knifed to death in your sleep that turns me on i've never seen anyone clap their hands and close their eyes i know what you mean because all of the cray cray ones are the fun fun ones and they're usually beautiful

because let's be honest you have to be if you're going to eat half the cheesecake and throw the rest away even though you don't like cheesecake you've got to be at least an eight that's how it rolls you've got to be hot to act like that because otherwise if you were like a three

like you'd be like you're gone You've got to be hot to act like that. Yeah. Because otherwise, if you were like a three, like, oh, what have you been? You'd be like, what the fuck? You're gone. You're gone on the first day. So it is fun. It is exciting to be like, oh, you're exciting and scary.

Having rode that roller coaster and got off in my late 20s and then met someone who is sound beautiful. We have a laugh. We're into each other. And you get to ride that fucking roller coaster, which isn't a roller coaster. It's so much better. It's a hot crazy scale, isn't it? It's just...

It's a hot crazy scale. So you've got your graph. Oh, here we go. With hot, crazy, and you've got the lines. You have to be as hot as you are crazy. Absolutely. But if you are more hot than you are crazy so this above the

above the line holy shit the above the line up here this is perfect because this means oh you're doing sports illustrated and you're also

drinking beers and watching the game yeah yeah but if you're down yeah do you know what I mean this is you know

what are you looking at her for this is Susan Boyle With an Uzi innit Do you know what I mean I love it I love the fact That you managed to get

A weapon And it sounded like The first part of Susan Boyle's name Susie Boyle Susie With an Uzi Take that to the bank Susie uzi boil uh we are not

gonna top that um pete during the first lockdown you started doing some artwork and selling it i did and i purchased that amazing print and it's going up in our downstairs bathroom because it's lovely and i buy a lot of stuff thinking that laura's gonna like it yeah and a lot of it is gonna end up in my garden office where she doesn't care to see things and she loves it and it's going she doesn't mind looking at it when she's having a shit my mate's got one up in his toilet and he takes a selfie every time he has a shit with it look where i am again thinking of you yeah you just reminded me of your Baby Blue story, sorry. What Baby Blue story?

I can't remember it, but every time I hear the words Baby Blue, I think, Baby Blue. Navy Blue. Is it Navy Blue? I saw it. It's been a stupid catchphrase of mine that all my mates, Laura, all my family know it, that if you're ever on the toilet and you're within earshot of someone

you ask them to ask you what ask me what my favorite color is yeah that was there you go what's your favorite color and then you strain and go navy blue and it's not that funny if you do it once it's not that funny if you do it twice but But if you do it, every time you have a shit with an earshot of someone since 2003, it really starts building some fucking momentum. So they ask you what your favourite colour is? I think it was on a late night TV show. It was just some gag with two old ladies.

They're in the toilets and they're asking each other about the dresses and you don't know where the joke's going. But eventually it gets like, oh, I like that dress you were wearing, Morag. Which one? The green one? No, not the green one. Oh, I can't think of which one to trade on.

Oh, you mean the other one? Yeah, the one that was navy blue. Now, not the best joke ever. But I committed to that as a catchphrase, a pooing-based catchphrase, so early. And I didn't even know that you knew it it's because you told me about it once oh because we were skiing together we went skiing and uh and i thought about it recently because my my daughter was outside the toilet as i'm sat there the other day and she's running around asking me where her dummy is and i'm sending

her in different directions and then suddenly i go is it under the stairs i didn't know it was coming and then suddenly it was there like mid conversation i was like this is how alien this is to me because you the reason you have to do that and the reason you have to do that it's because there's some level of strain it's because you have to put a bit of effort into the poo coming out isn't it whereas what I do is I sit down and then it happens it's a different joke

with Adam did you like that dress I tried on which one navy blue not as fun navy blue not as fun

yeah I fucked my own plug then didn't I you were plugging my stuff and then I so Pete does this amazing artwork is what we were saying and I shit looking at it

Yeah Yes that's where we're at Yeah yeah Every piece is Blue Do you want to give it It's shout out Where can they find it

It's just on Instagram Potway Art P-O-T-W-A-Y-A-R-T Yeah that's it And then there's a little website Could we slide a graphic Is that going to be too much To ask guys

If we could slide a No we can slide that in We've got a guys if we could slide it we'll slide that in that's making it easy yeah keep moving it yeah the camera's on pete right now pete otway i say this every time when it's a proper mate that's in it's such a fucking laugh talking to a mate and um it's been a pleasure having you on it's been great thanks for coming in oh boy i'm very sorry guys about the tech issue sorry to you as well pete about that we're gonna get that sorted there.

I don't think they're going to give a shit about it. It was annoying for us, but for them it'll be like, click. Yeah. I got to go and have

a poo while that happened as well. And what's your favourite colour? Doesn't work, sorry. Turquoise. Turquoise. It's not as good.

Is that really your favourite colour? I like a bit of teal. Teal's my favourite colour. That fucking noncius thing you've said for ages. I like a bit of teal. Teal is my favourite colour.

What's wrong with teal? There's nothing wrong with teal. It's just a bit of a surprise. You don't seem like the kind of guy who's going to be like, love a bit of teal. That's mad that we have the same favourite colour. Honestly, it's so connected. I like black as well.

Okay. Why did you make that up? it's so connected. Yeah. I like black as well. Okay. Why did you make that up? Black's a shade of teal. Really dark teal. Really, really dark teal. You can't see it. I feel like we'd better get out of here because this beer's

sinking in. Thanks everyone. Check out the Patreon and all that usual malarkey. Adam, you got anything to add? Well, we're going to do a quiz this month, aren't we? Sensei Carl's quiz is going exclusively

on patreon.com slash have a word pod. We're going to get guests asking guest questions. We're going to do a round each, me and you. There's going to be a lot of videos,

interactive questions. Carl's going to do his. It's just going to be a fucking mental quiz. It's going to be dead good and it's going to be a lot of videos interactive questions yeah Carl's going to do his it's just going to be a fucking mental quiz it's going to be dead good and it's going to be exclusively on Patreon because we look after the people who pay for our lechy

yeah give my other YouTube thing at show me a sample a little look where me and my mate Felix Leiter talk about tunes and the samples from it is that us? my stand up special

has hit 90,000 views I want it to hit 100 soon so go and watch that again don't even have to watch it just go and press play it's been an absolute pleasure Pete thank you very much smashing thanks for having me

bye Felicia bye