Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #108 with Eddy Brimson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. Welcome to the Havowedge studio with me, Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale, Karl Riegler and Finn. Finn Cullovulus. Cullavulus is Welsh. Have a word studio with me, Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale, Carl Regler and Finn. Finn Cullavulus. Cullavulus is Welsh. Cullavusa. Hey. Hey.

Do you believe in seasonal defective disorder? Seasonally affected disorder. Oh, it's gone dark and I feel sad. Yeah. Oh, I've got small windows and a tree outside i don't get any freaking light yeah no then well well when i i still need psychology at a level and when i first heard about this right studied no you sat in the class when psychology was being taught you you registered yeah go on like when i first heard about it i just thought it was like a lazy doctor cop out

do you know what i mean like my wife left me my dog's died my kids ate me why am i sad it's raining isn't it yeah yeah i always thought that was like bad but then today on the way in i've noticed that i'm in a really good mood yeah and it's sunny but i have already come today as well oh manually oh so i don't know what whether it's the sun or my balls but I'm happy. I know. I wear the headphones because I just want to check that the sound's all right. I've still got the old production values in my head.

But I don't need those words in my ears as much as that happened then. Ooh, that was a lot. It's 20 to 2. I thought we were doing a genuine, like, let's talk about psychology and seasonally effective disorder. No, I do want to do that. It's sunny. Plus, I emptied my little rowy bags of all the jizz.

Dan, thoughts? But I do want to talk about it. Do you think it's a real thing? Because, like, music changes my mood as well. If it's sunny and I've got the tunes blaring like yeah you know what I mean

I think but aren't they all just like little top ups to your core mood like if your dad drops dead you're like

oh my god I just didn't expect it I'm gonna miss him so much oh top liner fucking I love a bit of top loader dancing in the moonlight what about your dad

never mind my fucking my jams come on the radio like i don't i think it can add to your mood but i don't think it can change you tell me you've never seen anyone dance at a funeral no i'm just saying no i've never seen anyone dance at a funeral have you not no at a funeral at the service no no at the wake yeah yeah yeah that's still part of the funeral no it's not it's the waste it's the wake it's the funeral why is it called awake fucking bear jokes bear jokes so no i've not seen anyone dance at a funeral i've seen people pissed afterwards at like the get together in like a licensed premises so yeah i know what you mean you're like oh my mood's so great today i think i must have been

suffering from seasonally affected disorder but what could be happening is you got laid you've had a coffee the sun's out and you're coming to do a fun job and then you're like fuck thank god for that i've got over my seasonally affected disorder that I never knew I had. I've just decided in this moment that I want people to dance at my funeral. Right. I will. Anyway.

Conga. Cha-cha slide. But imagine if you got, if you hired diversity to like... Throw your body around. To fucking put you in the ground. Spinning the coffin. Throwing it to the little midget one that was just a young child it wasn't a midget how much do you have to pay diversity to do their like dance routine with a cadaver

that's that's probably going to add to the fee in it like guys i know you're pretty famous in terms of uk dance troops the most famous do you do private functions yeah for the right price do you do funerals yeah but it's going to cost you we've not finished there's more you've got to throw rowey bags around in the coffin now yeah they're the pole bearers yeah they're the pole bearers yeah all right yeah and they're just like fucking, boom, boom, boom. Let me hear you say, way up. And then the fucking top comes off, way up.

You've got you on a bit of string, way up. Yeah. But I've really- Call it Weekend at Rowey's and I get on fucking strings. Really reference some random old tunes, having a top loader dancing in the moonlight and- But imagine how good that would be. People would remember your funeral forever. You know what I mean?

You could stream it, charge for it, pay for the cost of hiring diversity. Yeah, you could. Have you thought about what you want for your funeral? Seriously. I mean, not seriously. It's a comedy podcast.

When you kill yourself next winter because your seasonally affected disorder comes back like a motherfucker. You're like, God, I don't know. But I like snow as well. Oh, God. You sound such a little sweetie. I've got a lamp in ours, a sad lamp.

A sad lamp? Yeah. Got it for mum for Christmas because she works at home, so she's working at home in the horrible... What's the light that it's emitting? It's not just the normal UV from a... It's vitamin L, I think. All right.

It's a fancy bulb. It's a big, huge... Lightbox. It's meant to replicate sunlight. So when you put it in the room, it looks like a bright, sunny day. And it helps mum's mood. That's bastard.

They are nice. Yeah, they're great. I want one of them. Loomy, it's called. You want to have a look? Loomy, they're great. I want one of them for my car. And no matter what the weather's like,

it'll always be sunny. The weirdest souped-up car. Is that a Kia Sportage? Fucking bull. Light blaring. It'd be good though, wouldn't it? I have thought about what I want for my funeral. I definitely don't want to be burned.

I definitely want to go in the ground. Because like... You better die quick then, because I think by the time you're an old man, I'm not even sure you'll be allowed to be buried. Why? There's no room. I just think inevitably there will be...

What if I just get buried in my own back garden? They can't tell me I can't go in my own back garden. Yeah, it's not your garden anymore, though, is it? Well, I'll put it in the will that my fucking kid can only have the house if they bury me in the back garden. Right. Just under the paddling pool.

So you just send me problems and I just fucking knock them down, don't I? Why do you want to get buried rather than cremated? Because there's been instances, hasn't there, where people have woke up in the coffin. No. There has. Not one.

There has. Dan? Yeah, woke up in the coffin. I'd rather be burnt, to be honest, because what kind of fucking hell is that? Being six foot under, tap, tap, tapping like... You're not getting out. Guys!

Guys, it's been a mistake. I was just taking a big old fucking nap. No, but like, at least there's a chance that someone hears you and you get to get out. And if they don't hear you, oh, what an awful last few hours that is. Well, is that better than being burned alive while you're having a heavy kick? You're out.

You're out. At least you don't know about it. You're having a kick, you never wake up. I also believe that like it's possible when you get to the afterlife if there is one that whatever form you

dealt with in is what you go there and I don't want to turn up to heaven as an urn just rather a dead person I love your reasoning you sound like a knobhead but I love your reasoning

like there's all this fucking cutlery tapping around heaven like yep shouldn't have got cremated shouldn't you dickheads here come the urns bum bum bum bum bum

like something out of Beauty and the Beast little walking urns fucking urns that's why I'm not gonna like donate like a liver or a heart or something I don't wanna get up there

and be like I haven't got a fucking kidney anymore I love it or a heart you don't you don't go to heaven but if you do you don't go in the state you died because no one in heaven wants to see the guy who got accidentally hit by a fucking train at the pearly gates he's like and saint peter's like jesus christ mate you gotta stand back off the platform you fucking idiot why would he be giving him that advice literally got literally useless virgin

fucking plaster on his cheek. Heads hanging off. What a fucking state that is. So I don't think you have to worry about that. I've got to go perfect. And also, let's be honest, don't, you know, dress in something you just, you know, if you're going to end up in heaven with it, dress in like, you know, jogging bottoms.

That's why I wear them all the time. So if I get murdered, I'm in heaven in comfy clothing, you know? That's right, though, because ghosts have always got like the dresses on that they died in and that haven't they yeah so when you were little did your parents and grandparents say make sure you've got clean underwear on in case you get hit by a car yeah yeah what a stupid thing yeah did you ever hear that yeah i well it used to be i used to get told make sure you're cleaning underwear on in case you have an accident yeah and then i always thought well if i have an accident i've shit my pants anyway haven't i exactly you're not getting run over and going off i thought accident meant poo your pants i didn't think it meant get it by a car that was in case like they have to take your pants off because you've been at bike but old people were fucking weird like that weren't

they like you need to wear clean underwear why well if you get killed you don't want some fucking mortician feeling nauseous about your shitty knickers like i don't care also why why did we ever have to be told to put clean underwear on surely that should be like the basic of human cleanliness is clean undies when you're little yeah but kids are grubby aren't they kids are grubby yeah i i always feel dirty do you ever put socks back on let's say you've gone for a little midday shag and you've took your socks off and then you're going back out you need to make your stories more

relatable to my life I have a wife so heavily pregnant yeah but like back in the deer back in my deer you can tell he's getting laid loads can't you I thought I'd S-A-D, but then I got fucking laid.

Do you ever need to change your socks because you had sex with an attractive lady? No, but what I mean is, you know like when you were back as a fucking shaggar, right? Back in the fucking day. Right. If you sort of... If you had sex in the middle of the day,

but then you were putting your clothes back on because you had to go shopping or to I don't know deposits of cheque right then would you get

or sign up for the first world war what the fuck you're such a cunt to me aren't you that was a totally valid question about

wearing dirty socks and it became you're an old bastard Dan you know what it's like you might have gone and had sex you're an old bastard dan you know it's like you might have gone to have sex with you know a fair maiden you know and then you you know you've got to put a check in or some other old-timey thing or you know you've got to sign up for world war one because you want to fight with the boys and you know kill the kaiser so you've had sex, you're on your way to send your postal order. To give two bags of flour to the Earl.

Send off the last five stickers in your Panini album, right? Did you ever do that? Send off the last few stickers in a footy sticker book. I don't think I ever got a post-it. Keep on track, guys. Come on, we're getting to something. How did Panini come into that? Fucking ADHD boy. Yo, let me ask you a question. Did you do Panini? Go on, we're getting to something. How did Panini come into that? Fucking ADHD boy. Yo, let me ask you a question.

Did you do Panini? Go on, Adam. So you've had sex. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But your horse and cart is outside.

And the horse and cart is outside. And the horses are getting tired. So you've got to take them for some dinner. Right. So you've got to put your clothes back on. What do you put? Fresh socks on or the same dirty socks that you've took off to have sex in assuming you did take your socks off and you didn't leave them how long have i had them on for four or five

hours so this is at like 3 p.m in the afternoon and you've been up since like seven so you've you've done like you've been out and about yeah you've done a big shop yeah you know what i mean yeah you've been in the hospital made sure all your parents are getting over the polio and that yeah and then I'm in the mood for a shag big shot hospital trip

horse and cart outside someone getting pounded there's milkmaid getting some fucking dig milk yeah okay I would at that point

I would do international rules I think we all know what's coming The sniff test The sniff test I'd be like So

They smell alright But they're a bit damp Nah they're going They're getting changed then Really I fucking hate that Dampy sweaty Yeah if they're fine

Like When I was younger I had pongy feet But I've sort of Grown out of it I don't know if it's like A hormonal thing I also know what socks Are just like Sometimes like When you I had pongy feet, but I've sort of grown out of it. I don't know if it's like a hormonal thing. I also know what socks are just like,

sometimes like when you've got pongy feet, you're like, just check what socks you're getting because there's some socks just don't suit your feet. So I'm not too bad, but I'm, honestly, if you do a little bit of a sniff test, just get it in the fucking wash. My cousin, Danny, who watches and likes this podcast, has got the worst smell on feet in the fucking wash my cousin danny who watches and likes this podcast um has got the worst smell on feet in the history it constantly smells like he's walked in baby sick oh you know

i thought of you recently carl uh because uh oh is the camera going fucking hell um you were saying about when you got back from japan about taking your shoes off yeah and like why doesn't everyone do it and you're like yeah it's minging having your shoes on inside but i do it all the time i'm like so like i've got sliders and i use them sometimes but i usually i don't feel right unless I've got shoes on but I will walk outside and then I walk upstairs in the house where there's carpet and that is objectively minging why because you because there's there's stuff on the floor outside that you don't want no yeah you don't know how clean it is like dogs you know whatever it's it's not gonna be

definitely clean is it and then the only argument I've got in my head for like, yeah, just keep it. If people come around and you're like, this is a no shoes household and you've got someone like your cousin Danny who's got stinking feet, I would rather have the risk of dog piss on the carpets upstairs

than have to live with putting up with someone's stinky feet. And also for them, because they're going, oh, my fucking feet stink. When I first went round around to so my feet that they're not the smelliest in the world but every now and then there's a problem because i can be a sweaty man at times right when you're going for your mid-morning shags and it does play on my mind so the first time i went around to meet my girlfriend's parents in their house i got a shower before i went and then like i was sort of ready half an hour before i was going

because you know you were so i was anxious and like you just got to get ready and a bit of a big deal and that and i changed my socks and then sprayed them all over with aftershave and deodorant i sprayed my feet with deodorant and I sprayed my socks with aftershave so that like if I got there and they were like

shoes off I'd be like fucking savage bitch but that's that's that's experience and now

isn't it going listen I like her I can't appall them and I know I can have smelly feet that's just that's just clever game isn't it yeah a year players go and play I like her. I can't appall them. And I know I can have smelly feet.

That's just clever game, isn't it? Yeah. A year. Players go and play. Two years down the line, you're like, listen, I got a fucking mortgage with her. Feet off. Get on that.

I've married her. Fuck you. Clean it in. Yeah, you are crying. Yeah, that's good. That's knowledge. It's the same with restaurants, though. You don't go into restaurants with your shoes on either in Japan. Why?

If you go into a job. There's carpets everywhere, though, isn't it? It's a very carpeted culture, isn't it? It's tatami. So it's like a wood floor carpet. You're telling me if I go to Nando's in Japan, I've got to go barefoot? If you go to Nando's in Japan, I'll say, how did you find Nando's in Japan?

But if you go into McDonald's, no. But when you go in did you find nando's in japan but if you're going to mcdonald's no but when you go in you take your shoes off you leave them in the gen can i don't think that i'll ever that i'll ever catch on over here because i don't think town center spoons is the place you want to take your shoes off you get slippers everyone's got slippers though imagine you're looking at my fucking bird shuffle shuffle. Fucking bang you over. Shuffle, shuffle. Just do flip-flops. It's kicking off. Yeah. What do you miss most about Japanese culture?

You know what I mean? Good question. Like, you can have a think about it if you don't want an answer straight away, but like, I know you miss being over there. What is it about that place and those people that you like

probably just that everybody's just nice to each other and respectful but as like highest suicide rates in the world though so maybe happiness being nice to other people leads to misery it's not it's just not having an outlet it's been there's no passive aggressiveness and there's no aggressiveness but obviously if you see i say you piss me off in the street yeah oh my god fuck see or like you'd say something they won't do that they keep it inside and then it eats them and they kill themselves oh yeah adam because he's seen one stat about suicide he's like yeah everyone in japan kills himself so they don't get to have like a fucking argument on the street and then they all top themselves that's the most important no one dies of old age

in Japan they're all dead by 50 have you ever seen an old Japanese person good point I haven't great they're all suicide

yeah I've seen thousands of them but you've been there erm but yeah you've been looking for them they're number one

I think it was a big Japanese loads of Japanese have you been to the Japanese quarter in Runcorn they're number one You won't find Inando's there. Why is there no Japan town?

You know like there's Chinatown in like every major city in the UK. Why is there no Japan town or like other country town? Because you know how

immigration works don't you? Yeah. So why is there no like fucking Romania town or fucking Poland town? It's just a numbers

game. Yeah. There's just a numbers game. Yeah, there's just more. China was dirt poor and they exported people. They're still doing it, aren't they? Yeah. What's the biggest expat student population

in this country? It's like Chinese by a fucking mile, isn't it? If you go to the end of Liverpool, like city centre where hot water is, every fourth fifth person

is a Chinese student no they're not that is so there's a lot of Chinese students though it's not every fourth person I worked there

and I live in the city every fourth person on no no no on Hardman Street it absolutely fucking is on Hardman Street

I'm not you can get lost in the numbers maybe not every fourth or fifth person. There is a lot of Asian students on that strip. I worked there, remember, every day. There is a lot of Asian students, but every fourth or fifth person, just the idea of that image in my head is hilarious.

Yeah. Just go there then. You can just see it with your eyes. Honestly, if that was the case it would only be a matter of time before freddie quinn started a mandarin comedy night at hot water i'm going to i'm going to i want tiktok and i'm doing a chinese podcast i want to paint a letter. What are you doing? I'm just going to sort this camera out while you continue doing your job being funny. Can I just say, talking about the cleanliness of feet,

it's my biggest thing that I want to give to young men who are trying to get their willies touched. Clean yourself and your clothes. This is massively important. You know, if you're a bellend, it's very hard to change your personality do you know what's really really you can wash your knob i i was thinking last genuinely good advice i was thinking

last night about um there was an episode of mtv cribs that i watched when i was a kid and there was this big black american footballer guy? And there's a moment, and I think about it all the time. I've only ever seen it once. And I reckon I've thought about this at least once a week since I was about 12. Right? And I don't know really why,

but he was... In the episode of MTV Cribs, he was washing his face and spraying himself after shaving and stuff., he was, in the episode of MTV Cribs, he was, like, washing his face and spraying himself, like, after shaving and stuff. And he said, my uncle, he always said to me, son, if you're clean and smelling good, someone going to like you. That's it.

That's always stuck with me now. Be clean and smell good. And it doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are or how big your head is. are like you i really think when people are like i'm so single i'm just terrible with girls have you brushed your fucking teeth and have a shave or just sorted yourself out yeah like give it a go give it a try it's not gonna solve every problem especially as you get towards 30 because oh fuck yeah i'm so i'm in my head i'm talking to 21 year olds if you can't wash yourself by 30 i don't want to wash myself no but like i think there's a lot of

lads who certainly like you know the whole sort of nice guy thing, and they're like, oh, girls tell me I'm too nice and stuff like that. Right. As you get towards like 30, and all those girls who are like, he's too nice, they've been in like three or four relationships then, where the lad's being a cunt,

and they just want a nice guy. So wash your fucking bum hole, right? Brush your teeth, and keep being nice to people, and eventually someone will touch your dick. But you're going to wash everything else as well. Sorry, mate. You stink a bit. What?

My teeth are clean and my arsehole is fucking spotless? Yeah, but your pits. Never mind them. I've been listening to Adam Rowe and he gives good advice. So you think play the long... Yeah, okay. I know what you mean. Stay being a nice guy and stay clean

and eventually a beautiful woman who wouldn't have gone near you when you were 19 will walk into your life and chew your penis yeah i uh i think when you're at college age starting university being a bit of a rascal to women it's really good techers yeah if you're you're too nice, then also just be yourself. But I was a bit of an, I was a bit of a knob. Like I'm interested. I'm interested.

Let's go for a drink. I'm not bothered. And it would, it would be maddening to girls. I wasn't like negging or just being fucking horrible, but I was like inconsistent flighty. And it just, it just girls were like,

Oh my God, I don't get it. I don't get it. He's pissed me off. And that's so into it. If those, if you're still doing that in your early 30s you're gonna end up with a fucking bell end because by then everyone's grown up and they're like oh no you're a moron well in that sort of window of me being single after my last relationship and before i started seeing the girl i'm seeing now like i spoke to a different girls, and the amount of men out there

who are just horrible cunts, or at least from the perspective of the girl they've been seeing, have been a horrible, horrible cunt, just really bad, nasty people. There's so many that eventually, if you're just a dead, nice person, like, that'll be enough.

Yeah, Laura's... When i met laura i was slightly overweight bald fairly decent at comedy but like stood next to me people were happy to go like she's she's attractive enough that people are like you've done well to like to my face in front of both of us yeah which is basically going she's fitter than you deserve. It's a socially acceptable way of going, mate, I don't know what you've got in your bank account, what your chat's looking like. Do you take that as a compliment or is it?

No, it's not a compliment. No, sorry, I don't mean compliment. No, it is in a way though. I don't see it as a negative. I'm like, yeah, fucking. No, I don't see it as a negative. I'm not being rude here. I'm trying to find something very specific.

Carry on. Because essentially what someone's saying is, you've got yourself a beautiful partner. Well done, mate. P.S. I don't think you deserve someone that beautiful. Part of the reason I think I ended up with Laura is because she was with such a fucking rat bag

on and off for five years before we met. She'd been single for like a year year and a half and he was such a douchebag and she tells the stories of him and it's and it's almost annoying hearing them because even though it was nothing to do with me i wasn't in her life still obviously care about her she's my wife i love her to bits and it annoys me that she's ever let someone get away with that bullshit in her life it's helped me end up with her

but I wish I could just go and sort of break his ankle oh I know exactly what you mean I don't want to kill him because even though

it was in her past someone has hurt someone you love that's part of it and I'm frustrated with her for letting it happen yeah

for letting for being yeah I know exactly what you mean listen we've all That's part of it. And I'm frustrated with her. For letting it happen. Yeah. For letting, for being, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Listen, we've all come across wrong-ins in our life. And I'm sure if you go back long enough, there's some girls that know girls who are like,

well, he was like this and you did that to my friend. But there is a level, there is like, I was like, like mid-table championship dickhead. Like I was annoying, frustrating. I cheated on a couple of girls. I was like mid-table championship dickhead. I was annoying, frustrating. I cheated on a couple of girls.

I just wasn't an exemplary example of a young single man. But then there is Champions League cunt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really annoying to have to think about why. If it was just over a month or two months fair enough i'm like how is he still around four or five years yeah because it's an you're in you're in love with someone even though you know the toxic you've like enabled that person to be toxic and you're like oh but in the end i've ended up with laura so it's worked out great but totally the reason

i went on my phone is because you mentioned you and Laura stood next to each other now on Valentine's Day I was tagged in a story post by my girlfriend saying happy Valentine's Day so I reciprocated and said happy Valentine's Day to this beautiful morning so there was two pictures of me and my girlfriend on Instagram and I got a couple of messages going fuck it I'm punching you aren't you right yeah which is I I sort of, I don't see that as an insult at all. Not at all. Like, what that's saying to me is, you must be doing something to attract someone that beautiful. Also, we're realists.

We're realists. But this is my favourite one. Do you want to read that one out? That's the only message this person has ever sent me. So they've quote messaged you with the picture yeah just to let you know what exactly they're talking about your dick must have good girth to length ratio and that is does not and that is that is the response like literally he's looked at that picture and gone oh yeah i follow adam i'm you

know a big fan of the podcast and i really enjoy i've actually saw him on tour really enjoy and i'm happy that he's met someone but she's so annoyingly attractive compared to him i've got to talk about another man's dick and a private message so this guy has slid into your DMs to say you must have a big dick. Mm-hmm. Because he's just so, like, confused. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that, is it?

Rowie Games, mate. Rowie Games? That's a new one, isn't it? So annoying. Call me Rowie Game? If you could just time travel and fucking plant some motherfucker. The problem with that is if I time travelled and had to deal with him he's probably about six foot and harder than me so i've time traveled to like get twatted yeah but like do you know when like i think of stuff like that when i'm in love with someone

and someone from their past has hurt them like really badly and done something horrendous like i know we joke about it a lot on this but but I go straight to, like, torture and murder. Like, I don't just want to punch them in the face. I want to tie them to a chair and get some bolt cutters and one by one cut all their toes off and feed them to them. Right. But could you? I feel like I could.

I think with the right amount of rage, I could shoot someone in the head and then be like, ow, that didn't feel great. And then I just click out and I'm back in 2021. But I don't know if I could go through a full torture scene of like, okay,

toe number six. No, I feel like I could. I watch Lord of Bards and Citizen. Have you seen Lord of Bards and Citizen? No. Great film. Oh, is it? Who's that with? It's Jenna Butler and Jamie Fox Citizen? No. Oh, great film. Oh, is it? Oh, great film. Who's that with?

It's Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx. Yeah. Okay. Interesting fact about it. Right. Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler were meant to play the opposite roles, and both of them met with each other and were like, I should be playing your role, you should be playing mine.

Oh. And the director agreed to let them swap. Fuck these. Good choice as well. Yeah, it's great. So what happens in, is there a torture scene? So this doesn't ruin too much for you. It's sort of the first 15 minutes of the film maybe.

So there's a burglary at Gerard Butler's house. Gerard Butler's got a wife and a child. And his wife and child are murdered. His wife is very heavily sexually assaulted by one of the burglars. Jamie Foxx is a lawyer, and he is the prosecution. No, he's defense.

He's defense for the murderers. No, sorry, you're right. He's prosecution, but he lets them get off with a deal, doesn't he? He gives them a deal sort of thing because it's the best thing to do legally, but that really pisses Gerard Butler off. So a few years later,

Gerard Butler finds the one burglar who cut the deal so he didn't go to prison and he ties him to an operating table, cuts his tongue off, injects him with a thing which paralyzes you, but does nothing to your nervous system. So you can't move but you feel everything and i watch that scene and i can totally you know how i put myself in everything

i watch like i'm in it i could totally be gerard butler if someone raped my wife and killed my daughter like i could totally tie them to an operating table and do literally anything to them and feel zero remorse wow yeah I think I could I'd kill but I don't think I'd draw it out no I think I'd just

really yeah nah that'd do shit I'd like unplug his freezer when he went to bed fucking annoying that just shit imagine how annoying it would be

to be tortured to death by Adam Rowe as he'd like cut one finger off and then there'd be a notification on his phone. He'd be like, 25. He'd be just like, he'd be no tongue like, come on!

Kill me, you bastard! Kill me! He's like, fuck off, lad. He's got another Patreon sign up. In my head, I'm just like, you kill my wife, you kill my daughter. I will just, I'll end your life. Adam's like, I'm going to draw this out because I've got Insta. I've got people talking about my dick in my private messages.

But that's not enough to just kill them in my eyes. Because if they've killed your wife and daughter and left you alive, your suffering is endless isn't it you're gonna suffer and hate that and feel those emotions for the rest of your life

and I know you haven't got that long left but like we'll meet again so do stuff every day to do is that in like put super glue in

it's not about doing no it's not about minor inconveniences what's gone what was that no no no draw it out draw it out sign him up for a load of spam emails get him gradually you should do for that around halloween put someone's number on gumtree for free pumpkins yeah you love going for that don't you it's It's meant to be fire. He's literally, he's killed wife and child, and you're like, right, I'm going on Gumtree

for my revenge, Gumtree. No. There is pumpkins at this address. It's not enough, girl. Put super glue in his car key thing, and then at the end, kill him. How many? Pumpkins on Gumtree, little to-do list.

Pumpkins on Gumtree, to do list pumpkins on gumtree super glue in car and then murder him so you just build up in terms of the for like 10

years like battered his wife no because his wife hasn't done anything wrong no carl

all right then jesus christ you really went from you went from gumtree to twatting his wife way too but he killed

your wife yeah no that's not how it works is it that doesn't mean she's then guilty he's the one who has to suffer so you you do i are limb from limb yeah but isn't it an eye for night make him feel the same pain like push his wife down the stairs no no no yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you that japanese culture really rubbed off on you didn't it oh it rubbed off Yeah, if they bump into each other's feet. It's an eye for an eye, not a wife for a wife. Don't do it to myself.

And there was a pause when he thought of it, he went, pulling the trigger on this one. These lads can't be starting this off. Break into his house and turn his alarm off on his phone. Oh, my God! It'd be late for work! There is no middle ground with you in there. Superglue in his car door.

Turn his alarm off. Murder his kids! Am I right? Yeah. So, calling a bomb threat in his house? All right. Just, yeah. Well, I think we've done well,

considering we're talking about murdering and torturing people, to get out with a few punchlines there. Well, I just want to reiterate, I'm willing to do this. I think everyone who watches this religiously gets the vibe that you could, you know? Don't you like blood, do you? And in truth... I don't like blood.

I think we've all got that in us. When people are like, I forgive, I'm like, nah, mate. No. I don't like blood I think we've all got that in us When people are like I forgive I'm like nah mate No I wouldn't Like I'm a very unforgiving person Like I'll pretend I've forgot

But I haven't forgiven you How fucking bad would it be Like this is selfish And I don't want to lose my family But it'd really ruin podcasting Wouldn't it Like It'd be bad isn't it

Have you heard about Dan Nightingale yeah his wife and kid got murdered all right what's he gonna do about it he's gonna have to take two episodes off he's still gonna do the patron exclusive episodes obviously just via zoom from the wake will anyone be dancing oh yeah probably if like one of us went to prison yeah but like not for like 20 years i'm talking like six months it'd be great for the podcast oh my god would we still do it like if they let me like because it's me going to prison let's be honest but like what would we still do it like via zoom i don't think uh hmp fucking skelmersdale wherever you end up is gonna let you set up a zoom meeting to do a podcast

have you listened to Serial? Right. Most of that's done from prison, isn't it? It's done over the phone. Yeah. Well, yeah, but that was back then. Didn't have Zoom then. Right.

Maybe they let... I was like, oh, I'm just... Serial's about five years old. That was back then. 2016, different times, Dan! Different times! They don't have to know we're doing it for podcasting i'll just say i've got to have a you can be me lawyer yeah i don't think that you can be me lawyer he can be

your paralegal we'll get him a wheelchair am i the only one that as soon as i hear paralegal i just every time i hear paralegal i think about the fucking special so you two can come in right and you can you can be like uh get out i've got an hour with me client and then we just bring that with you we'll just do the podcast from the little meeting room that you get that in so when you say you're going in roll casters on the thing of allowed well you you're allowed to record your meeting With your clients In case they say anything I could help your case

Yeah Would you go to prison then Do we Take one for the team It would be good Do the numbers good You heard about Adam Rowe He's gone to prison

What for Something really bad I imagine Murder torture And what not But him and Dan Are still going How are they getting The Rodecaster in

In a cake Every fuck Carl's gonna be in with you as well for like my money would have to increase for me to plug a roadcaster every time he wants to do a podcast well it's good to know that you're that committed to uh have a word the podcast mate i hope you don't go to prison and i hope i'm gonna go out on a limb and say i don't want my family to be killed because it it's just awkward, isn't it? Trying to do banter three weeks later, like, fucking hell.

Yeah. Just take the podcast in a different direction. I think it might. Like, if they do get murdered, don't worry. We'll figure it out. Yeah. We'll get through it. The podcast will be fine.

I don't want you worrying about the podcast when you've got to plan to do a few more. I'll be on fucking Freddie Quinn's Mandarin podcast by then, anyway. Let's have a break, and we'll be back with some correspondence. Mirror, mirror on the wall, what's the best brand for products

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And we are back. Got some emails and shit. We've got some emails. This is a request for help from anonymous what's up lids big fan of the podcast and I've got my mates onto it too

but they're too stingy to pay for the Patreon for fuck's sake why are we helping them that's what all the good bits are why are we helping them we're helping one of our boys

this came through Patreon anyways I recently became single and moved into my new gaff in December. Coming out of a long-term relationship. Sorry, let's get this right. Coming out of a long-term relationship in the middle of COVID

hasn't done much to help my sex life. So I thought I'd purchase a few things off Love Honey to spice up the self-love. Is this a man? Yeah. One of these being a flashlight turbo thrust blowjob masturbator. Wow. That is a fucking tragic sentence.

Trust me, this thing was... Before we go into his question, I love the fact that he's given it the full branding. The flashlight turbo thrust blowjob masturbator now I've been aware of these every word in that sentence

adds a tenner onto the price of the thing doesn't it it is a good bit of kit as well shut up I've been told

he's doing I reckon Carl I reckon Carl secretly has some like little self love sex toys you know I reckon he does no

I do I reckon you've got I'm not against he does no I do I reckon you've got I'm not against them but I don't I reckon you've got a fuck doll your ma my mum's cadaver cadaver's you twice

do they yeah he's nicked it I prefer Jane Doe erm cos she's anonymous you don't know who it is you're just like

fucking any dead body that's the one god i got rough really quick you two bring out the fucking rough in each other have you ever used a flashlight i remember these from joe rogan's podcast back in the day there was original sponsor on the joe rogan experience the fleshlight. Have you ever used one? I was talking about this with my, my missus today. I thought it was the fleshlight, not the flashlight.

It is the fleshlight, yeah. He's misspelled it. And when Paul Smith, guest co-hosted when you were off gallivanting. Family holiday in Wales. He told us that he's got three,

he's got two and a travel one. Travel one. And they're all modelled on different porn stars' vaginas. Get to fuck. They are? I just think, I got my travel vibrator masturbator right here. Do you know what I mean?

Like, come on. Would you ever make a mould of your dick for Laura? Because you can make moulds molds can't you have both as long as they could like add a few percent this is a mold of my dick plus 60 percent what like keep the shape and size but like just drag oh copy and paste the middle bit perfect replica but like twice as big there you go miss me love just ratio it off yeah yeah yeah but that's not something she has requested

I mean she doesn't even want my dick she doesn't need a fucking mannequin of it I know I've never used a masturbator

through a fucking wanking futuristic fleshlight just through fear of being caught doing it like

put my dick in one of those jelly snakes ones what the ones where you do this yeah that's disgusting the ones that like

you can poke your finger all the way through and they run away from you yeah it didn't really do anything but I did pop my dick in it did you expect a reaction from it

I just I expected it to feel good and it didn't really I just went back to wanking yeah you're at the end at the end of the day

you are a man with your dick in a jelly snake. How old were you? A couple of years ago. Why? Did you have a jelly snake? Because I bought it.

It was in the shop. I seen a jelly snake and I was like... Oh, you bought it for the purpose of wanking? No, I bought it because I wanted it. And then, there's only so much time you can spend alone in a room with a jelly snake before you put your dick in it.

Yeah. Not for everyone. I think most spend alone in a room with a jelly snake before you put your dick in it. Yeah. Not for everyone. I think most people could just leave it as a jelly snake without fucking it. It was whispering to me that I could hear it. What? Like, it was just over there in my head. I was, like, in the bed. And it was just over there.

And I was going, God, look, come on. Look at me. What do I look perfect for? Holy shit. I bet you shagged your teddies when you were little. I didn't. That's called comedy acting. Oh, my God.

I didn't. And it was strong for the audio. I thought about shagging the couch ones, but I didn't go for it with it. Before I started here, I never knew shagging the couch was a thing. Yeah, apparently it is, yeah. Like, it does look like a bit of a

a dick gap doesn't it no I mean to you but then again jelly snakes ask you to fuck them so I'm

I am finding a whole new level of weird on you like it just started talking to me it wasn't talking to me it was just looking at me like the dirtiest scene

from Harry Potter ever like Adam stick your dick in me it's more like It wasn't talking to me It was just looking at me Like the dirtiest scene From Harry Potter Ever like Adam Stick your dick in me It's more like a bit of flubber You know what I mean It's just a thing But it's got a

It's got a A dick hole in it And There's no way the people Who made that Thought that no dicks Were going in it Have you ever seen

Those pink pigs That you go Yeah I love that I've stuck my dick in there But I haven't used a flashlight because I'm not a pervert. I like the chicken ones. Have you ever used a flashlight, Finn? No.

No. No. Thanks, Finn. Unfortunately not. Sorry. Can't find one big enough, mate. Oh, coverloots. He's got a fucking weapon.

He's got a big dick. Oh, definitely. Come on, mate. It's all right. Oh, he's packing heat. He's got a big plate. You got a big dick. Oh, definitely. Come on, man. It's all right. Oh, he's packing heat. It's been commented on Twitter. Has it? I've seen someone fucking in it,

like an art going, I bet Finn's got fucking pipeage. I missed that. I need to retweet that. Yeah, retweet it with your big dick. No, I've never used any of that. We just, like, and I am,

I'm a dirty old devil, but I feel like that's the line, like, I just can't, I can't be that guy. I've used, like, a bullet, like, on me bellend, but the bullet belonged to me girlfriend. Was she there at the time? Sometimes. Right.

There was one time she was just out and it was there and I was, like, I was having a wank and I was, like, Is it an help? Yeah. I've done that. Yeah. I love you. Did it help? A little vibrating fucking thing on the tip of your bell end? Or you just put it on your balls as well or on your taint?

Oh my god. On your... Girlfriend's bullet up your bum bum. No, because if you lose that... Oh, that's a difficult one. Where's my bullet, babe? And it'd be on as well. Vibrating. It'd be on for ages.

As Adam vibrates his way over the kitchen floor like, I think we're going to have to go to A&E. Waiting for the Jora cell battery to run out. Famously, they last a while. It's on the fucking packet, lad. That's not enough. Love, I'm glad you're home. Have you got anything

that contains a lot of fibre because I need a snack erm so yeah you can die from that can't you the bullet going up your bum he's got flashlight

turbo thrust blowjob masturbator trust me this thing was hidden deeper than Madeleine McCann in my good god

I hadn't read that before I read it out trust me this thing was really well hidden thanks for that anonymous in my house yet following a little New Year's Eve get together Good God, I hadn't read that before I read it out. Trust me, this thing was really well hidden, thanks for that, Anonymous, in my house, yet following a little New Year's Eve get-together,

oh, fucking old computer, following a bit of a New Year's Eve get-together, it has now gone missing. I've checked all over the house, but I can't find it. I'm pretty sure I know which mate has taken it, but I know he's a cretin, and he so poor he's probably been using it my question to you is it wrong to accuse a long-term mate of stealing your fleshlight how'd you go about it and would you even want it back thanks anonymous well the answer to the last question is no once Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

At the minute, the only one who's done anything disgusting is his mate because his mate has put his dick in this thing after his mate's dick has been in it. There's no way. There's no way he's cleaned all of the cum out of it. There's just no way. So his mate's dick has touched his cum. I'm just going to say right now,

you didn't even need to go as far as the... Once the dick's been in, it's a... No one wants a second-hand fleshlight. You know? This is not something you can rent from Travis Perkins. That's done, isn't it? Yeah.

And I didn't even consider the old J's element, but it's Romeo done. What a grubby fucking mate. I'd have it out. Would you? I'd have it out with him. If you think, if you really think someone's stolen your masturbator

you can't just be like i've got to let that one ride oh gotta be like may have you but what if he hasn't though i'd make a whatsapp group of everyone who's in the elf and say someone has and i'd be like cludo like a fleshlight cludo yeah right it was drawn on new year's eve yeah with me fuck master 3000 january the 4th anonymous just started a fucking whatsapp group guys i've invited you all to this group we're not doing a stag do i want to find out who's nicked me masturbator yeah i'd i'd i wouldn't ignore it i think you've got to have it out because if he's genuinely one of your long-term mates, you're suggesting he's not like a work friend or something,

you need to be like, mate, if we're going to be mates, I cannot continue thinking you've nicked a fleshlight. So let's say, you know, the other day you were saying you want to have a little get-together once the rules change a bit. It was Adam. You know? A barbecue. Barbecue.

So we all come round to yours. Yeah. Me, Carl, Finn. Whatever happened, it was adam you know about a barbecue barbecue so we all come around to yours yeah me carl finn uh whatever happened it was adam we'll get a couple of the old there's a bit of a party in yours can't wait can't wait tier two bring it on after this question you've gone do you know what you know laura's heavily pregnant she doesn't want sex at the minute and i just want to take up me i'm gonna get a flashlight a flashlight. I'm old. I've got rheumatoid. Rheumatoid. Rheumatoid. That's a better name. I've got arthritis.

So this isn't as easy as it used to be. So you've got yourself a flashlight. Yeah. And then you've hidden it. You've seen me coming out of that room on the night of the party. Right. The room that it's hidden in. So you're pretty sure I've took it.

You don't know. Chances are. Also, I've got a three-year-old about to turn four. So if I do, it has to be so well fucking hidden so that Etta doesn't wander out like, Daddy, I'm a magician. Needs to be in a vault. It has to be so well hidden.

This guy thinks he can hide stuff. I'd suggest I could find another level. So if you've been in that room, and then it's gone missing... So you're almost certain I've got it? So how are you going to approach that? Would you just come to me, would you? Would you do it on the night?

Would you go looking on the night, being like, where the fuck's that gone? Would you wait a few days? Would you wait until the next public... Would you do it on pod night would you go looking on the night being like where the fuck's that gone would you wait a few days would you wait until the next public would you do it on pod the best way to do it is of course because as we know from months of doing this i don't have a conversation you can't monetize come on the fuck are we gonna do have a private chat if i tried to have a conversation with you off pod recently there's like this there's this moment where you can see adam weighing up like why the fuck are we doing this not recorded because it's really about my private life he's like i don't give a

shit this could be on a patron exclusive uh would i do it on podcast yeah what you should it would be if this actually happened it would be a bit eggy to do it on podcast. No, it'd be fire. Right. What would you be fuming with me? I, honestly, this is the weird thing with you. You give as good as you get. Like, I've fucking really pissed you off in here,

and we had a right rudge with each other, but you don't hold it. 20 minutes later, you're like, no, I'm over it. You're very good at being like, i'm a fuck off nah yeah you're right don't worry about it so i actually think that's kind because we know some people who i've been very good friends with in the past who hold on to shit for six or seven years so there's there's having been friends with different types of blokes i would much rather the sort of like, yeah, I'm fuming.

What the fuck do you say that for? Knowing that 25 minutes later, if you go, right, I got that wrong, you're like, yeah, no worries about it. So I think I would have it out with you. I don't think you would, Nick. I'm masturbating, though. You're not that guy.

You're not that guy. You've got expendable income and an attractive girlfriend. I don't think you're the nicky kind of it's not main finn oh i'd be looking at finn yeah finn's single yeah also finn's easier to give shit to but you gotta remember i'm a comic and i travel around for work you know sometimes i'm on my own in a hotel room can i just say if you if we have this party after what you said about that snake telling you things you're not allowed upstairs because the last thing i need is you in etta's room with a fucking my little pony you sticking your dick in a my little pony

what are you doing like no the my little pony she wanted it she fucking she was talking to me. Like, stay in the kitchen, dickhead. Keep out of the pantry, you dirty devil. What are you doing with my muesli, you fucking perv? I don't know. I went to a house party once, and there was a house party WhatsApp group. Like, they made it for like,

come at this time, bring it on, blah, blah, blah. We made it up, name him. You'll know who he is. I know who he is already. Yeah. There was a donut in the kitchen so like he put his knob

in the donut there's no build up to that there was donuts in the kitchen so obviously he put his knob in the donuts

the fucking glazed now lad and put it put it back oh custard filled oh sorry put it back and I because this this whatsapp group is just filth

and i accidentally put it in the party whatsapp group so basically i just went look i'm shagging your donuts in the kitchen here and put it in the whatsapp group with like 50 people in oh yeah that wasn't anyone you say wow no we went in and took it put it in the bin you go to some crazy parties, don't you? The selection of doughnuts. This party is going to go until 11.30pm when we all have an insulin spike and crash and need to go to Betty Bo Bites. No, it was like, they weren't on offer.

He got them out of the cupboard and shagged one of them. He got the family doughnuts out. You fucking animal it wasn't me just so I know dirt bag is there anything in your house

that I am allowed to fucking come round the garage get in there get in there if you want to stick car wash

up your arsehole you go for it mate bit of fucking WD-40 for loop. No, but like... So would you genuinely want to know?

Because this guy... I don't think you would... I'd get it. I'd have the conversation with you because I don't think you're a fleshlight knicker. Right. It's not your game at all. No, but if he did, he'd do it for banter.

If I honestly had a fleshlight and it went missing and I'd seen Adam upstairs Know my little pony's involved And I I would honestly be like He's nicked that To embarrass me on the pod To be like

Dan I really enjoyed that Barbecue we had So nice that Bojo's let us out Look what I found Under your bed Hidden Well then you've got to go with that So

In that I want you to just just genuinely put yourself in that situation you've caught me coming out of that room the flashlight is gone so you now if you're telling the truth you think i'm about to embarrass you on pod so would you before that podcast go have you fucking got flashlights on the podcast but i don't think you'd stick your dick in it at any point no i give it a rinse at least a rinse what if I was just like Dan look there are no fleshlights

on eBay what if I was like look I've got a gambling problem all the exposable income I've you know I've got no money at the minute

and it's causing a lot of stress in my relationship and I'm having sex and I needed to fuck something so I found that so I needed it mate is that okay

I don't think that can't afford me I don't think that would... Can't afford me. I don't think that would be the case. I think you'd do it to embarrass me. And in my head, I'd be like, it'd probably be really funny on the podcast if you went, look what I found upstairs at your party.

I genuinely have trouble touching it. This guy, this guy needs talking to. Like, I don't know how you could be with mates with a guy who you thought actually nicked a fleshlight that would genuinely affect but what's the end goal what do you want to happen i suppose if you know what if his mate is like look lad i did take it and you know yeah there's no there's no win for either person there is he got because if he has took it are you saying he's got to stop being friends with him would you really want to be a mate

with someone who nicks your sex toy if it's one of his best mates he's got all his days do you know randomly I would be more forgiving although your partner wouldn't if they'd nicked like your missus' sex toy

but then again would you still want to be mates with that guy I think that's less forgiven is that even less for good i'm just i've just sniffed your beds for him yeah yeah yeah yeah so yeah yeah i know i know where you're going don't don't look at don't you're looking at me like no that's awful it is i mean he can nick your fleshlight that makes sense it's made for penis i'd rather you sniff my dick than my Mrs's vajayjay. Yeah. I didn't want to be involved in that one.

I was talking about an imaginary dirtbag. I don't want to do either. Although I've got a preference. Adam's dick. Come on then. Lads, leave that for a Patreon. I think you've just got to bin this guy off. I don't think...

Do you reckon that's... Do you reckon that's the end of the friendship? No. What, if he's nicked your flashlight? You could be mates with that guy because he's 100% done more than stick his dick in a fucking donut. First of all, you've got to make sure, A, that he's defo done it. But then, I think you could get past that.

Yeah, you'd laugh. You'd go, you dirty get. I'll just buy you one and I'll just get past it. Yeah, because he's took it for a reason, hasn't he? He hasn't took this for jokes. get past that yeah you'd laugh you'd go you dirty get I'll just buy you one and I just get past it yeah because he's took it for a reason hasn't he this has been

he hasn't took this for jokes like I would take yours or like you think I would take yours he's took it because he fucking he's intrigued

he's intrigued he wants it he wants to know what it's like but he's too embarrassed to order because there's a stigma with men

ordering sex toys for themselves there's a stigma we need to talk about this is another thing about female privilege. Oh my God. How did you drag them into it?

Get away with fucking murder when it comes to sex toys. How did you drag them into it? This is just about wankers. They can have big fucking massive purple dicks shoving them up their arse and in the fanny and around their face. They can have all the fun they want, but I can't order one of these without being a perv.

Know what I mean? You're on your own on this one, Tonto. Maybe he's got a missus, and he's being like, what do you think about sex? She's like, oh, no, disgusting. So he can't order it to the house. But nicking your mates is so gross.

As if you're trying to make this about a stigma with sexuality. This is women's fault, really. I know he's nicked your flesh, and you've got your jizz in it. It is. It is about that. Because you say, oh, Nick and your mates want. What's he meant to do? Nick of strangers.

Just go burgling houses until he finds a flashlight. Oi, PS, the judgment on flashlights is not just from women. I sort of judge people with flashlights. I think sort it out, mate. Come on, it's too much. What about butt plugs? Oh, you know We've all enjoyed a weekend or two

See I don't use them But I'm not I'm not really against people Adam's used them But for medical reasons A butt plug That was an IBS joke That didn't work

I'm telling you right now There's no butt plug in the world That can stop my arseholes flow Right yeah Like the Hoover down Yeah Plus you could break a toilet or two. Right, so,

I think we should put this to Twitter, at Have A Word Pod. Give us a follow on Twitter. We're going to put the poll up on Monday morning. Am I right here? I honestly think

if someone has nicked your second-hand flashlight, that that's you done with them. That would be me done. I'm telling you right now carl if i ever get a fleshlight lad you find it and you want to take it i'll forgive you i'll find a way you know i would rather you got my penis off with rusty shears you've got a weird relationship boys why i'd forgive you i know you'd forgive me but i couldn't forgive myself

um is there any any following the fleshlight drama should we call an interval But I couldn't forgive myself. Is there any following the Fleshlight drama? Should we call an interval? No, we've got time for one more question, I think. Maybe? Yeah. Watch it. You always do that, though, don't you?

You always do, like, should we call it? Nah, let's do one more. And then it's shit, and you're like, yeah, I should have called it. I think that was tight enough. Oh, here's a little would you rather. Dan Johnson, who sends in an absolute fuckton.

He does. And he always sends them like three or four at a time, doesn't he? Yeah. He says, eyelids, would you rather appear on Dancing on Ice, I'm a Celebrity, or The Masked Singer? I'm a celeb, Dancing on Ice, you have dancing on ice or the masked singer so yeah obviously dancing on ice is pretty fucking that's that's the one i go straight forward that's the ice skating that's strictly come dancing the itv version shit version in it yeah and then there's i'm a celebrity is usually in australia but this time was in North East Wales.

Unlucky. And then the Masked Singers, this new one that Joel Domet's hosting. Are you aware of it? I know of it, yeah. I know the basic format. So they get celebrities in full costumes, but they sing songs along the way.

Finn, you've been watching it. It's my favourite programme on TV at the minute, genuinely. I know it's crap telly, but it's one of them that's kind of, if you lean into it with a couple of drinks on a Saturday night, it's perfect telly. Yeah, it's trash telly and it gets a bad rap and we can all fuck. It's that easy to slag off reality TV and all that

and The X Factor and whatever. It's easy to go, oh, it's shit. But it's still watchable shit. There's a reason it's so popular. However... Dancing on Ice is my limit. Go on. I think I'd go Dancing on Ice. Dancing on ice is my limit. Go on. I would,

I think I'd go dancing on ice. I couldn't do I'm a Celebrity. I've actually discussed the prospect of I'm a Celebrity with my agent. Has it been offered? It hasn't been offered, but it's been like,

if it was, would you be in? And I've been like, look, I'm not going to say no to like one of the biggest shows on telly because the exposure it gives you. You mentioned Joel Dommett now hosts The Masked Singer.

He got jobs like that because he did I'm a Celebrity and people loved him on it. The problem with that is I'm much more of a cunt than Joel Dommett is and I can hide it for an hour and a half. Well, hiding it for three weeks is a bit of a fucking problem, especially when you've got no fucking lecky and you're eating fucking beans every day and you can't have a pack of crisp

and you've got fucking David Guest or fucking Sunita telling you you're a fucking dickhead. Do you know what I mean? Sunita of Corrie. No, I meant fucking the other one. Simon Cowell's ex. Oh, yeah.

I would absolutely... Now, now I'm thinking about it I would like to choose I'm a celebrity for you because just in

terms of viewability it would be so much funnier watching you lose your shit with like a female presenter of five live

like watching you go off at Victoria Derbyshire would be so much more entertaining than adam like adam's ice skating he's not great he thinks he's fucking brilliant and he's he's falling over like that would be fairly entertaining but in terms of like watching you lose your mind although i don't know because i don't would you you not just be yourself? No, I would be.

Aren't you trading off that now? Like you're just honest and. Totally. Absolutely. But it's a high pressure situation. And like, I'm a leader, right? I'm not. Right.

I am a leader and I'm competitive. Right. But like in that situation, you have to see yourself as a team so you know when you go and do like the fucking bush tucker trials and I'm a celebrity and it's like you've got to get in this fucking bath with a load of worms to get a star and if you get 10 stars

I think you'd be dead good at that I'd be fucking brilliant at it right I really would and I'd do everything I possibly could I'd face fears and whatever to get the stars. And I guarantee you, if it was possible for me to get the full 12 stars, I'd get them. I would.

Because I'd be like- Eating caterpillars. Yeah, totally. I'd put myself through it because then we're all having a boss grand tonight. If some fucking dickhead come back and was like, I would have done anything, but I don't like cockroaches. So we've only got two stars tonight.

I'd be like, you're a selfish cunt and you better be on the first plane back to fucking Coventry. He just did Jordan North. I don't know if you watched any of the last I'm a Celebrity. In my head, that was a girl. All right.

No, Jordan north was that guy and you also did his voice i don't know he's uh he used to present on rock fm which is the preston like the lancashire thing and he's ended up on radio one he's quite quite a good looking but he was such an unbearable funny like you've got to go abseiling like oh no i don't like heights and then he puked before the abseiling watching you deal with him would be you know what i mean like because in my head i'd be like we're the team so we all have to work for the team and but the second you're not working for it you're not part of the team anymore just fuck off just imagine anandette going uh in camp last night it got interesting as adam raw comedianar, comedian from Liverpool,

went round quietly and sort of talked to all the fucking celebrities about murdering Jordan North. Just in the middle of the night, like, lad, lad, lad, Vernon. Oi, Vernon, lad. Vernon K, get up, you big twat. We're going to kill that fucking rat, Jordan North. Why? Because he's a fucking fanny.

That would be amazing. I'd just be like, I'd be like pleading with the public to vote him off first. I'd be like, listen, this camp's going to be sound once that fucking selfish cunt is off. Yeah, but what about when it gets down to a small team and you get competitive and you want to win? In fact, I hope, I know he's not a massive celebrity yet, but if you are watching in any way

and you're involved in ITV television production, I'm telling you now, he can't sing and he can't ice skate. But fuck me, when he gets hungry and tired, when he gets mad eyes and he wants to win I'm a Celebrity, it might not work out, but motherfucker, it would be the most entertaining TV. Watching you lose it with Jordan North. But in the end, it's like there's only three or four of them,

isn't there, in the final? How many? Like four. Oh, and you get fucking... Do you know what, though? Genuinely, and I know this sounds so counterintuitive to my entire personality i don't think i'd care about winning that do you know i don't i i don't think i would but maybe that

would change i would spend all the money on the planet to keep you in all of the shows do you know if you well it's free now do you know if you were shit at dance on ice i'd make sure you got to the final. Yeah. Just so you'd be awful for it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. I'd still want people to vote for me and stuff like that.

And every Bushhooker child, you're doing it. Yeah. How well did Ramsey do on Strictly? Really well. Like... I'll watch it. Well, Laura loves it

and Etta really likes it. And I watched Chris Ramsey. I mean, I remember Chris when he started out in stand-up. And we used to be mates and we just sort of drifted a bit um and i saw him a couple years ago he's so nice dead friendly he goes everywhere on tour with his mate carl who started out with him so i know those boys from like beat the frog 12 13 years ago and watching him on strictly was mental because at first you're like,

oh, it's weird watching a mate of yours do something that's so mainstream. But then you do start rooting for them a bit. Even though they're a comic and they're trying to progress their career, they really try. They earnestly try and they really care. Even the comedians, once they're in it, they want to do well and they want to win.

What's up? I just remembered a dream I had last night. Was it about Chris Ramsey? It was about Chris Ramsey and Carl Hutchinson. I was going to do a gig at a party that Chris Ramsey was at, but I'd gone the barbers and got him to cut me hair exactly like carl hutchinson and he freaked chris ramsey i was he was like why have you got carl hutchinson's haircut and i was like i really like it and then i woke up i'm sorry how many episodes ago was it when adam said people telling you their dreams is fucking boring it is yeah but when it's

that weird and on conversation that's what the kind of dream just spun me head because like you brought them both up and I was like what and it was last night mate just say cadaver one more time let's make it really weird um listen ITV he is a major option his dreams are weird and he'll torture anyone who fucks with his family but there's no way I'm doing it

unless I'm the highest paid ever highest paid celeb ever how much do you want what do you want about I want to know whatever the highest paid one

ever got I want 10 grand how well do you think other words do I don't care he's a podcaster guys I might not

I might not bring the profile but i'll bring the fucking drama the highest paid i'm a celebrity ever yeah okay i'll give you three is there three there yeah so there's caitlin jenner yeah she's gonna do numbers isn't she harry redknapp yeah noel edmunds right they are all minted aren't they Who got paid the most Caitlin Jenner Half a mil Noel

Noel Edmonds got paid the most Half a mil Noel Edmonds got 600,000 Noel Edmonds is I won 610 Noel Edmonds is Incredibly wealthy though Because everything he was involved in

Past the 80s He owned the production company didn't he He's Like Deal or no deal he was involved in past the 80s he owned the production company didn't he he's like deal or no deal he owns the production company deal or no deal

was fucking good wasn't it if you are smart you come up through radio and then go I've got these ideas for TV shows and I'm going to

own the production company that puts them out that's how to get fucking wealthy so clever Noel Edmonds deal or no deal was shit you'd be. So clever, Noel Edmonds.

They don't know the other shit. You'd be so much better than Noel Edmonds. More people would die as well. Let's have an interval now. We've got a guest coming on. Is it alright? Should we have an interval? It's good. You're right. It's a good little question. Always right. Fucking team. Always. Eddie Brimson's coming on.

Looking forward to talking to him. Let's have an intervalle. He'll be a good one, this. He's going to be smashing. What's happening, guys? It's Adam here, and I'm telling you about our new sponsor, FinalRunner.com.

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Sensei Carl's involved. Dan probably won't because he's a fucking gimp. Back to the pod. We're off. We're back. I kind of regret not going to the toilet in that hour-long break. Oh, you need a little whizzy-woo? Or do you need a nasty poo-poo?

Well, look, you know. Do you need to take a little trip? No, we'll see how we get on you know what i mean if i have to leave halfway through i tell you what at any point if you just put your hand on the table like this like in an emergency you know in a driving test yeah they just put the hand on the dashboard and that's an emergency stop we'll know exactly what you mean if you just go well you just have to get off like i'll if i need to go then i'll just oh that's gonna that's going to help, isn't it? This is my fourth coffee. Yeah, okay, good. And they're all being quite strong.

Right, so just expect a weird ad break in this one. If Adam pulls a weird face and then you're being told about merch, we all know what's happened. We've got Eddie Brinson, ladies and gents. Hello. Thanks for coming in. He goes away and comes back looking much more relieved. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our listeners. do you weigh yourself on and then weigh yourself off what before a poo oh i've done that loads of times i do that all the time one time this is 100 true i weighed myself before and after a poo and i put weight on oh my god i'd shit like antimatter what had you done shit a black hole you've taken on so much emotional strain that you'd put a few pounds on what's your record

I work in kilos now what I can't not whole kilos listen Brexit's happened mate get on fucking board with it

I think yeah I think I've done like one and a bit pounds like one and a quarter pounds it's about the same isn't it you've got a one one and a bit pounds like one and a quarter pounds that's about the same isn't it yeah but a one pound pool yeah you've how are you weighing poos just for your

own signs you've literally you've you've had the same body shape in the 20 years i've known you put weight on oh babe no you can't tell well it makes you look slimmer Didn't it But no I put weight on in lockdown We've all had a tricky pan of D I've got I've got fat happy Oh yeah yeah yeah Fatty In a new relationship

And you've got fat Not a relationship That's not making me happy Is it just the global doom And that just Yes She's trying to hide My disappointment with food

So many people have died but I won't let the cake industry die someone's got to eat it the reason I used to weigh myself before or

after a poo is like do you know so I have an app on my phone which a lot of people when they're losing weight

are trying to sort of it's called MyFitnessPal oh yeah most people use it now and you can put you can like scan a can of coke it knows exactly how much sugar and calories are in it and it works out like how much you've had in a day and whatever and it's really good for tracking your weight now i used to treat every wednesday morning like a ufc weigh-in yeah so if i weighed myself in the morning and i was like half a pound heavier

than i was a week before so it really was like, I haven't lost any weight. I thought, well, if I squeeze one out and then weigh myself again, then you're sort of lying to your nap. Oh, 100%. But as long as I weigh that on that day, I haven't lied to the app. When I was doing the Cambridge and Thursday morning was my weigh-in with the Cambridge weight loss plan, which is basically posh slim fast. It's not a group way.

You go for a one-on-one way. She sells you space food. You do a weigh-in. And then she's like, how many banana shakes would you like? So it's a real business transaction, but there's a weigh-in. And having that there with, I got so, like, you're competitive, but having someone there for the weigh in makes it more real. It's like game time,

motherfucker. And if I woke up on a Thursday morning and I hadn't lost weight, I wouldn't, I'd be nil by mouth. I wouldn't, I'd dehydrate myself. And then I got in the habit of on a Wednesday night taking laxatives because I just got so competitive.

I was like, if I don't wake up on a Thursday morning and need a plop, I am going to make myself need a plop. So I was dehydrated and full of laxatives. So stressful. So unnecessary. Just to stand in front of someone, like, outside Leeds City Centre in a fucking office with her going, well done.

You've lost half a pound. You're like, thanks very much, Kate. I got into it. Elite fighters use the sauna, and we went for a shit it's quite the different it's quite the different process that in it have you ever had that where you're just about to go to the gym and you're all kitted up and then you feel like a poo and you have a poo and you weigh yourself think i probably don't need to go now oh i mean i've done it yeah i mean i can sort of see that happening in the future yeah like i'm just yeah i'm always

going to the gym and just thinking you know what you've done enough dan you've got out the car stood up walked you've done your job whenever i start going back to the gym i also i start the gym in stages do you know i mean first of all i sign up and that's enough for a month do you know i mean and that's fed i lose 30 quid out me out me out me bank direct debit then the month after maybe i'll go for a swim once a week jump in the sauna and it's a good three or four months before i'm actually using gym equipment really yeah you gotta i mean you can't just go get straight on a treadmill you'll hurt yourself i miss it let's see that's what i've got a little bit of a tire going on so we've got to get rid of that anyway with all due respect means you can't sit there looking like that i've got a bit of chubby hair like i've lost about two and a half stone

during the old pandemic and i'm still a good three years of effort away from looking like that so the worst thing you can do is be happy in a relationship though isn't it yeah it's so selfish yes the people that you fall in love with you're like oh brilliant you love me unquestionably and now i'm gonna get fat and it's your fault and she's a proper feeder man oh really proper feeder aren't you a vegan no i was i was vegan i tell you what i was i was vegan for 23 years and then i moved to brighton which was the most vegan place of all and then i started eating eggs and cheese and then i started eating eggs in brighton and i moved to scotland and started eating cheese right do you still know the turning points were so i won't eat

me i don't wear leather or buy any leather i don't what i don't buy wool and stuff or any of that but um so you're a vegan at like scrambled egg essentially yeah it's you know comics have to have a niche there's always a fucking niche in comedy yeah

and then all of a sudden there's this niche of being vegan comics and someone put on a vegan festival and all these people I've known for years who were eating meat

and I've been vegan for 23 years did I get asked to do the festival did I fuck so I thought and that's why most people go vegan, to increase their book and diary.

Do you know what? For model reasons or to save the animals. It was an angle for a while. Carl Donnelly, Julian Dean, we're looking at you, mate. I remember being in KFC with Carl Donnelly, and he was like, fuck, when I finish this thing, it's out of burger. I'm going to go vegan and start a podcast.

Exactly. Exactly. I love it, the idea of going to go vegan and start a podcast. Exactly. I love it, the idea of like going vegan just to get fucking vegan gigs. Like there's a real...

Mate, it became a real thing. Everyone labelled themselves as vegan. They got this vegan festival. So you're an OG vegan? What's an OG? Like an old gangster.

You're like the original. If you... I was old school when it was tough. When it was hard. It was hard being a vegan. Different times. Nah, it's just when it was hard being a vegan different times nah it's just easy every dick's a vegan now

would you go to a zoo yeah I wouldn't bother me okay you wouldn't eat a zebra am I right is that an expression sir I've had a few penguins since

hey come on come on he's getting fat but he's still funny you know fuck it the only reason I asked that is Carl Donnelly Come on. Line him up. Come on. In he goes. He's getting fat, but he's still funny. Fuck you. The only reason I asked that is Carl Donnelly,

who you mentioned, who is like a proper vegan, he comes to stay. When I lived with Danny and Chester, we used to have lots of comics come and stay because we had spare rooms. And he comes to stay. And there was two moments in the same night where he just had like this ultra vegan thing to him. So I came into the living room with a

glass of milk i like a glass of milk i'll dip a biscuit in or whatever and he looked at me like i've walked in with like the blood of a child on my hands and be like i killed something in the kitchen like he was like what the fuck are you drinking a glass of that's like baby cow growth fluid you're drinking and i was like yeah but it's fucking great with audios love and then a couple of hours later danny was like i might go to the zoo tomorrow and carl was like i can't go to a fucking zoo i'm vegan i'm against zoos it's against me whole philosophy the way the way you characterize carl makes him sound so much more aggro than he is he is literally the most chilled out london guy like does a bit of like asmr and he's all He is literally the most chilled out London guy. Like,

that's a bit of like ASMR and he's all chilled out and the way Adam, what the fuck are you drinking, lad? That's the fucking milk I've had for a baby cow,

you fucking rat. Wow, that's very hardcore. Do you think he was appalled at the fact that it's like dairy or the fact that you're a grown man drinking a glass of milk

like a fucking American child? His words were, that's not a drink, that's mental illness. Wow. He thought it was literally insane that anyone would have a glass of milk. Yeah, but if you can have cornflakes with almond milk, you're a different type of fucking weirdo though, aren't you? Because it's not right. Almond milk's rank.

Horrible. Oat milk's nice. I like oat milk latte. Oh. Oat milk latte, extra shot of coffee. I think you'd like's nice. I like oat milk latte. Oh. Oat milk latte. Extra shot of coffee. I think you'd like it because you like

asking for it. What? I think you'd like it because you like asking for it. I hate asking for it. I really hate asking for it.

Go coconut milk, mate. That's the way. Oh, yeah. Coconut milk's quite nice. I've tried that. What is this podcast about? Genuinely,

with a bit of muesli, when I've been trying to be healthier, that's all right. Coconut milk, bit of yoghurt on top and some figs. Weren't you... Do you remember your Edinburgh show where you... Weren't you like a protester to the point where you were on lists, not in the...

You know. Yeah, I was for... This is going back a long time. I was the joint press officer for the national anti-hunting campaign so very anti-fox hunting so i used to be out sabbing every week every sabbing look at that that's how you know the fucking industry every sabo every saturday and um and then some midweeks so i used to be out doing that all the time and then and then i ended up um yeah i ended up being press officer

because the bloke who was running it got put away and so I took over and then I found myself under surveillance by MI5 So you were so anti-hunt that you ended up in the like basically one of the leading members of the anti-sabot

anti-hunt I wasn't I was just helping out I was joint press officer for a while of the leading members of the anti-sabot what auntie wasn't there wasn't i wouldn't say i was just helping out i was joint press officer for a while when i um the the petition that we delivered to ban fox hunting down the street i delivered that oh amazing did you talk at down the streets i stood outside and we had pictures taken and we had this this guy but i've done that but we didn't we didn't really talk because people it's funny when you deliver a petition at um down the street you

think oh this is my big day and then you've got about two minutes to get in and then they bring the next one in because it's just a conveyor belt of people delivering petitions do you know what was before or after yeah i don't know uh more zoos, probably. You really hope that they've not booked the pro hunters. And they're behind you like... Yeah, I did all that. What era are we talking here, Eddie? This was 90... When they came through my door was 93.

When you say they came through your door? I got a date. It was one morning, I was in bed. And all of a sudden, I heard the front door getting kicked in and i was like what the fuck's that and then i had all these boots come steaming up the stairs towards the door i went quiet i opened the door and then this bloke stepped across in front of the door kept with machine gun on and uh so i shut the door and he come out he they kicked the door in and and they took me away so and this was because you were so anti-fox something this is yeah the the 93 was a really weird time in over here because there was a lot going on there was the anti-hunt movement which was a big attack on

you're talking the head of the establishment here you're talking lords ladies landowners gentry royal royal family. So it's a big sort of attack against them and their way of life. Oh, yeah, and let's be honest. If the working class were into fox hunting, like, it would have been long gone, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's landed gentry going,

but we've always done this. We've always done this, yeah. And you just had the poll tax march. You had the criminal justice bill. You had all the road building stuff which and it was all kind of interlinked and there was a little period where they were start it was very very political back then so there was all these movements going on and there was a little period where they were starting to think we're losing control here

we're losing control of what we got and someone a lot somewhere along the line someone said you need to go through the doors of all the people you at the top of these movements to smash them and i was just i'm just a press officer well i'm merely the press officer well i deliver petitions we was a very active hunt saboteur group it's very it's a really horrible place to be it's a very violent place to be sat and on a hunt because the the farm lads who are out there to protect all the riders they're big lads and they don't mind a tear up and you're in the woods in the middle of fucking nowhere lads are coming at you with shovels and it's not a nice place to be and famously who are the people tooled up in this country like the the countryside boys have got access to

shotguns they're the cunts who are shooting things like i've got shot at before because wait just can we just slow down a little bit because if i'm even having a panic attack about how much information is getting fired up some cunt watching on youtube needs a fucking break for the second okay so hang on when you say like you a horrible place to be because you were anti-hunting you were going in the middle of them hunting to stop them hunting yeah it was you're not just standing on the streets of london going no no no you're literally trying to stop them get at the fox yeah you're in the field you're in the fit running you know running around fields chasing horses and dogs and all that. So really, it's physically draining,

but it's mentally draining because you don't know what's going to happen. And the way you sab a hunt is, once you try and stay as close to the horses as possible, and then when you know they've got a fox up, you hear the horn will go and all the cries will start out. And what you've got to try and do is get between the fox and the dogs and the dogs yeah because once the dogs get on the scent they're down and off they go and um so you have to get you have to let the fox pass get between them and then you

you lay uh the trail of citronella right which is lemon juice because then the dogs are like then they eat it and all sudden they're like oh fuck me what's, and they hit it. And all of a sudden they're like, oh, fuck me, what's that? And they lift their heads off the scent. And that gives the fox space, more space to get away. It's such a serious thing. And you're like, you've got to get the hit between the dogs and the fox. And then you've just got to lay some citronella and, you know, air freshener. And if you've got smelly Dave, get the smelly Dave. No, no, no, that won't work.

Smelly Dave won't work. If smelly Dave takes his shoes off, they'll fucking stink. The dogs will be like, God, he needs a wash. So, yeah, no. That won't work. Smelly Dave won't work. If Smelly Dave takes his shoes off, they'll fucking stink. The dog's like, God, he needs a wash. So yeah, so that's how you do it. So you have to physically be there. And the other thing is,

you have to, you can't get physical with them. They get very physical with you, but the second you get physical with any of them, that's it, you're nicked. You're taken away. So the people on the hunt will attack you, but the second you get physical with any of them, that's it, you're nicked. You're taken away. So the people on the hunt will attack you, but you have to sort of...

You have to, you can't... You just have to eat it. No, because it's all geared up for them. You know, they're doing something which at the time is lawful and you're stopping them doing it. So the police are there to protect them. And they're landowners and they know the MPs

and they know the lords. Yeah. I pulled a copper into a river once and I got nicked in Radstock. That was on a mink hunt. They were hunting mink. And that's in the rivers. And we were in this river up to here. This copper's standing on the bank and he just kneed my mate in the face.

And I'm like, did you fucking see all that? And this copper goes, what are you going to do about it? So he just grabbed his leg and pulled him in. A splosh. And then I got nicked on that and I what did they charge you for well check this out right I got nicked on that

they put me in one of them little cell vans handcuffed I'm so committed I think I'm right I'm fucked here this is gonna be big right

and then I get to I get to Van Stock Police Station and they get me in front of their sergeant and he goes when was he arrested and then the guy to the police station and they get me in front of the desk sergeant and he goes, when was he arrested? And then the guy goes, I was standing there. One o'clock.

Okay, what's the time now? It's four o'clock and you've just brought him in. I can just go to the, take him to the cell and then 10 minutes later, they bring me back out and they get the copper in, right? Stand me in front of the desk sergeant and he goes, this officer's going gonna make an apology to you because lawfully we're only allowed to keep you handcuffed in one of those wagons for an hour

and he was in there three hours so i do apologize and this officer's gonna apologize to you and if he does that it's you okay to go and i went yeah fine my god amazing that is perfect though isn't it like i was right you've pulled a busy into the fucking river and he had to say sorry to you mate i've no doubt in all my time of doing all this because you do you have to stay above the law but yeah there's moments where you have to push it i definitely had someone looking over me all the way through i mean they could have if they got you out of that van quick enough if they're in the mood they could do you for could they honestly do you for attempted murder for pulling the police

you would not believe i got arrested outside savabis on on um inciting to kill police officers. It didn't happen. Right. We was at a... Are you okay with this story? Right, mate. Please tell us. Yeah. Because to be honest, we had Pete Otway on recently

and he just never shut up about Fox Hunter. That's a fucking nightmare. Genuinely. His dad nearly drowned working for the police once. Anyway. Right, genuinely, this is what you are people don't think this kind of stuff happens but this is this is what you're up against when you start attacking them the system and there is them people think it doesn't exist but there is us and there is them

and we live in we do live in a democracy but once you start to step over a level to affect their mate it fucking comes down on you right now so you don't believe in any of this shit

do you I'm sorry what you're telling a socialist that he doesn't believe in any of the system about like I talk about this all the time

and you call me a conspiracy fan no this isn't a conspiracy this is literally the whole makeup of the UK and it always has been. Fucking change the tune now, Annie.

Now that there's someone else. This isn't a conspiracy. This is the aristocracy. This is how it's always worked in this country. There's plebs and the fucking wealthy. Real wealthy. Not scratch card. Not playing for fucking Liverpool.

Take no names of him. When you're not here. He's talking about like, oh, do you believe that JFK got bummed by a goat it's that level of conspiracy

I have no time for this isn't a conspiracy this is the system all I'm saying is I think the American them killed JFK which is the same exactly the same thing

oh yeah that wouldn't surprise me for the love of god we're having the most interesting story ever we're not dragging it into conspiracies Eddie for the love of fuck, we're having the most interesting story ever. We're not dragging it into conspiracies. Eddie.

For the love of fuck, I agree. I agree with him and you. Okay, so there was a big auction going on at Sotheby's of hunting memorabilia, right? So we went down there in our van, right? I'd gone down on the train. So they put crash barriers opposite Sotheby's. We're all standing there with our placards giving it grief.

Not giving it, just normal stuff. So what are they selling at Sotheby's? Hunting memorabilia. Right. So we've gone down there to protest against it. What kind of fucking bell then goes, oh, we're going to Sotheby's. Well.

Ah, a vintage horn. What a tit. Oh, mate. I'll tell you another story in isle of white i snapped the hunt oh no i shouldn't say that because you didn't know that i did it no no it's all right that is yeah the horn the horn for a hunt is the main thing they've handed down over years and we something happened at the isle of white hunt which is they they released a fox out of a bag into the hounds right in front of us because we'd up their day

there's this coachload of old biddies there as well and i saw it all happen but as they did it the the lord of the the hunter master dropped his horn and i picked it up and snapped it in half and that is for them that is he was in tears, this bloke. Absolutely. That's been in my family 200 years, because the dogs are really trained to specific horns. So if he gets a new horn, the dog's like, who's this cunt?

The bullshit bell when we changed it. When we changed the bullshit bell. The tone was different, wasn't it? Slightly different to the original bell. Just the same. It's exactly the same. Our listeners, when they hear that, are like, wasn't it? Slightly different to the original. It's just the same. It's exactly the same. Our listeners, when they hear that, are like, what's that? Somewhere a hound just went, huh?

Anyway, so back to Sotheby's. So we're standing opposite Sotheby's. Now, what happened was, my mate comes round in the van and he pulls up outside Sotheby's. We used to have this van that we used to go on hunts in. And he leans out the window and the coppers go over and go, you can't park here, you've got to make... Out the windows, goes to him, tells where to park

and the copper directs him off and the mate goes. This copper's walking up and down, right? And his name's PC Pratt because we heard one of the other coppers call him. So every time he's walking past, I'm just going, Pratt, Pratt, because we heard one of the other coppers call him. So every time he's walking past, I'm just going, Pratt, Pratt, right? Then we hear that. I love, that's like fucking being on fucking Bali

and a game of tennis. That's your name, no? Well, that is your name, no? So you can't get pissed off because that's your name. So anyway, we then suddenly hear that they're not coming into the front of southern bees they're going in a side door so we then all go to run to the side door to protest them going in and as we run around these coppers grab hold of us i get pinned to the floor

with two other mates and we get nicked and they take us down to themselves and i can't remember what police station it was anyway they took us down there next thing i hear right we're released the next we're released after one o'clock so we can't get home so we're stuck in london tonight and um then the charges come through i'm arrested with my two mates with incitement to kill police officers because allegedly I've jumped the barrier and shouted, quote, first one to kill a copper gets a fiver. Right? A fiver. I end up in Bow Street Magistrates Court.

Oh, Jesus. With my two mates. One of my mates' dad is a lawyer. He got him a barrister. I had used by then all my um what's what's the free um help you get from the lawyers all right yeah okay yeah yeah right because i kept getting well that's a that's the medical well i'd used it all up right so i'm having to get a quota of legal representation yeah if you start using two only a point where they don't give you it anymore.

So I'm having to represent myself. See, I could do that. They get up. Here's one good thing, though. One good thing. They get up, they give their evidence. This is what happened. This is what happened. Then one young copper got up,

and their lawyer said, you know, this happened. Did you hear these words? And he went, and he went, well, it's a yes or no. You were there. And he goes, do you recognise this gentleman in this court? And he just looked at me and he went and he went well he said yes or no you were there and it's and he goes do you recognize this gentleman in this court and he just looked at me and he went no i don't he

clearly wasn't prepared to lie but there's three coppers have gone up described me better than i could describe me and said word for word this is what i said yeah and was pz pratt one of those i then get up in the court and i go, right, I'm defending myself. I go, the first thing I would like to say is I would like to remind the officer that he's under oath. And the fucking judge went bananas. How dare you come into my court and speak to an officer about law? And I went, he goes, why do you say that? And I looked at the judge and went, because he's lying. and my mate's barrister just put his head in his hands like

this because i'm thinking i've got nothing to lose here i mean i'm going away for a long time here right right at the end of the afternoon in comes the clerk of the court he goes um then all of a sudden it's announced we have um videotape evidence from security cameras outside of south abyss of what happened and we're like well everything they said didn't happen because i wasn't apparently the van came around the corner slammed to a brakes the back doors opened and i jumped out with three others. Is that when you said? Yeah.

No, we said that once we got over the barriers is when we apparently said that. I wasn't even in the van. No one got out of the van. So we're like, well, that didn't happen. They can't have the video evidence. So we then go down into this video room with my mates barrister me and and and alan and um tricky and hang on and no whoa whoa whoa no we got alan and we can't just push over tricky i think our chickies go they're all they're all punks they're brilliant right but of course he is. His name's Tricky. Great name.

And their lawyer comes in. They put the video in. So we're all sitting there watching it. And we're starting to think, are we mad? Because this didn't happen. And it shows. The van comes around the corner, pulls up. The copper walks over.

My mate leans out and the copper directs him. Exactly what we said. And my mate's barrister's gone, what fuck's this and the cop has just looked at me and went don't worry eddie we'll get you sooner or later and then we come in the next day and i'm like my my mate's barrister went we will sue the ass of these for this we come in the next day and before we could do anything judge said we've just because of evidence that came to light last night, there is no case to answer here. However, then he looked at me, I don't believe for one minute a police officer

would sit in a room and concoct evidence to get a conviction. Case dismissed. Okay. So they can lie their arse off to try and get the conviction. So let's get the video evidence. Sorry, it was destroyed overnight. Just accidentally.

That's what you're right again that is a conspiracy i'm fully behind right there you go there's only one step between that and petergate so this is what you need to get on board oh my god that is it's literally even though it's years ago i'm sitting here going fucking bastards the police are doctoring evidence and hillary clinton is eating children and they're both happening it's a big jump in it it's a big jump they really try and screw your head up because they i could go on for ages about there's so many stories of things they do but one of the things after it was dropped one of the things they do is when you when you leave your house or when i leave a flat i'd then come back in and they the furniture would be moved around i remember you telling me about this we did a gig together

and it was somewhere in scotland billy kirkwood was on it was me and you it was up in st andrews right yeah yeah yeah it was it was dead nice wasn't it was only a few of them but it was dead nice really posh but i remember you telling me about this there and i was like wow that's fucking like they just come in and just just move your table a bit just enough to like just to let you know that they've been in your house yeah they fuck with your head yeah you can't go to the police and go someone's been in my house how do you know my coffee table's three degrees to the left it's funny though because you start to think, is this really, did this, and then I went and worked on a, on a island in Scotland to get away from it.

Once it was all calmed down, because I couldn't then go out on hunts, because if I was out on a hunt, I'd, I, the police would be all over it. And so it was, you were too high profile.

It was stopping people, stopping them hunting. It would become more of a, was this when you were doing comedy? Am I, no, no, it was before high profile stopping people stopping them hunting it would become more of a was this when you were doing comedy am i no no it's before comedy right and um you weren't like finishing up the saboteur going i've got to close what for jungle so i really like lads i know i've just honestly i've done the last of the citrella I've got to get to Leicester for six Oh it's fucking Donna Donna If you're going to kill it

Kill it I've got to get to Leicester No I can't open So no What was we talking about I can't remember The police The system

The country No but yeah I've lost the last bit I was telling you about It was their mood And you're feeling it like Liam trying to fuck with your head. I went and worked an Iona in an Abbey to get away from it, or just wanted to get away. And my mum was, every now and again I'd send her to go back

to check on my flat, because I was up there for three months. And she rang me up one day and she goes, I know that it's been really tough for you, and all the stuff you've told us, but I know you're telling me the truth because I went into your flat today and your washing machine was out in the middle of the floor. And I went, oh, they must have had something.

Mine was that though if I put it on a heavy spin, you know. So they come in to take a bug out? Probably. Honestly, they knew when they came through the door and then took me in this car, they drove me to Windsor. I was arrested on suspicion of terrorism, planting two letter bombs in Windsor at the Horse and Hound magazine. But I didn't do it.

But the thing is... I can see why they guessed you. Well, the thing is, right, I was was living at the time my girlfriend and we were joint press officers right and we were sending out a lot of stuff from the flat now if you're going to take things to that level you don't tell anybody else so when they came through the door and arrested me and her and they're telling me everything about myself all my family every everything i've done right and i'm like fucking hell and then it all makes sense all these people you keep thinking i know i know that bloke you realize oh there have been the blokes

who've been following you oh my god but then i'm sitting in this cell and the solicitor come in and said you're looking at a minimum of 13 years because it's terrorism and a conspiracy charge, which means premeditated, much higher sentence. So I'm sitting there thinking, fuck, Elspeth's put the packages together and I've taken it to the post office. So my fingerprints must be on it. So she's done it without me knowing,

but there's no way I'm going to convince the jury that i didn't know because we were living so i'm fucked so you're thinking i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm going next 13 years i'm gonna be just to clarify this just a couple of things because i know how much our listeners are going to be loving this episode i just want to clarify a few things so elsbeth that was your missus my girlfriend at the time and what you're saying is what you thought at the time was she wouldn't have even told me she was going to do this

if she was going to go to that level she'd have just put the package and gone post that Eddie yeah if you're going to send a letter bomb to you know Horse and Hound or any publication

you really should once you've made the bomb send the post to the post office yourself that's a bit of a shit house thing to be like made the bomb but I tell you what I'll make a bomb i'm not going down post office with them she obviously didn't do it no i know but when you're sitting in a cell and like three hours before you were tucked up in bed and you're sitting there thinking and all this information's

bombarding you that's what goes through your head she must have done it and unfortunately i've got my fingerprints on it or she could have you know she could have i could have gone and bought the envelopes yeah yeah and she could have she could have put it together and posted it herself yeah as i bought them you know so all this stuff's going through you anything i'm fucked but it was really weird it was a really weird feeling because i was just thinking well that's that's what it is that's why yeah just just one more thing when you say like people following you you're literally talking about mi5 here uh yeah i was i was arrested by it was all held by thames valley police with the uh the police whatever he's who charged me and did all the stuff for me yeah but yeah but it i think it was higher than that i think it was mi5 and all that because of because of all the different

things that were going on because you do get linked in if you're involved in hunting i did a couple of days on the road protesting thing i was staying and you know so you get linked into all the different sort of movements that are going on because you kind of believe in the same things. Yeah. So you basically, in their eyes, you're all linked in with the troublemakers, essentially. Yeah. You're becoming a problem for them.

Right. So they want you out of the way. And in fairness, what they did, this is only my theory that someone said, go through the doors of these top people. And they obviously came through my door a bit early because they obviously thought, they genuinely thought that I'd done this

because it was a brilliant moment. We're sitting there and they come in to interview me for the third time. And I'm sitting there and the solicitor's gone, they want to go in again but they seem very agitated so we see it was sitting in and this cop was asking me these questions and then one of them just had his pad and paper and he just went like that picked it up and threw the pad across the room and walked and stormed out and my solicitor looked at me and he went what the fuck's going on

and i went they've just realised they've fucked up I told you I didn't do it is this the letter thing yeah that was the letter thing and he basically got released I got released

after 13 hours but then they continually kept nicking me for the next 6 months and in the end I got taken to Luton

court there's a Watford fan that's a football thing after all we've just spoken about. Like MI5 control themselves. The busies

lying on the fucking stand under oath. Yeah, yeah, this happened, this happened, this happened but fucking Luton. I nearly got put away for years

but fuck the Hatters. Amazing. And I got they I got taken to for failing to indicate and uh they tried to make out that they they tried to make out that i'd driven a van towards some horses on a hunt driven and this and one of the um hunters got up and said i hit their horse and it was a cut and even despite the fact that a police officer got up and went,

I examined the horse and there was no injury to it whatsoever, they had finally done me for failing to indicate and they fined me £460 and put six points on my licence, which was the maximum they could give. And again, when they left, they went, we told you we'd get you. Oh my God. Can I ask a weird question it

sounds really pernickety if the police have bashed your doors in out your front door and also your bedroom door because you closed it on them do they pay for the doors do you know what we came back right in my head i'd be like i know that was stressful no it's not it's not where's my fucking doors dickhead no I come back we lived in a masonette so our door was a side of the cell

oh fucking great thing happened right we we and we come back and there's the tape across the door and the door's fucked

so we're of course I've got the ump by now I've rang up and go what about the door and they went it's not our problem it's for you to fix

we had to get it was a council flat yeah if they're giving you I've rang up and go, what about the door? And they went, it's not our problem. It's for you to fix. We had to get, it was a council flat. Yeah, if they're giving you a £460 fine for not indicating, they're not paying for your door. That was about a year later. Imagine a police carpenter turning up, sanding it down. Lovely action. It's a really nice thing to do. So the busiest can just volley your door in and then leave you to fix it.

And they took away so much stuff from the flat. They took all sorts of stuff. I never saw half of it back. Here's the thing, right? When it was dropped, within about an hour and a half of it being dropped, phone rang, News of the World. Are we here? You've been under...

Really? How the fuck did you know? Go fuck yourself. Bang. And on that Sunday, there was a little bit in the News of the World, we hear you've been under like oh really how the fuck did you know go fuck yourself bang all right um and on that sunday there was a little bit in the news of the world hunt saboteur sues police for a 1p tesco's carrier bag because it was one of the items that was listed that they'd taken they'd taken a load of stuff away files and that that were in a tesco's carrier bag and the news of the world and the news of the world and the news of what i said hans saboteur right tries to make you look like a petty little prick

yeah oh my god what was i gonna tell you oh yeah when i come back right when i come back i lived above an old lady called margaret right and it's just i thought she was lovely i thought i've got a gun i've got I'll give her a knock and explain. Cause she must've shat her pants because her front door was, my front door was right by her bedroom. I've gone, she, she lent out the window as they took me out in his paper suit and shouted.

It's okay. I've called the police. They're all at the end of it. They've i've called the police i've got some news but i knocked on her door and i went margaret i'm really sorry um about what happened this morning you must have been really scared and she genuinely said to me she said i'm more disappointed than anything and i went why she goes i never had you down as a drug dealer and i went my i'm not a drug dealer they think i'm a terrorist she just shut the door amazing it was really weird it was a really strange about about two years really strange but incredibly uh i met some of the best people i've ever met and it was a really purposeful time because we we did actually

we did actually achieve quite a lot in that time yeah well and so that's like mid 90s when did you get involved in comedy i just feel like I've mentioned comedy. We all know you from stand-up. And I mean, I've known you 15, 20 years from when I first started. When I started out in comedy, because I support Watford, and I'm not as into football as I used to be,

but I was like, I used to go to away games all around the Northwest. And as soon as I got into comedy and told someone I was a football fan, they were all like, oh, you'll want to meet Eddie Brimson. So it's really weird. I think I met you in about 2004, but I had two years of older comics go,

you will fucking love Eddie Brimson. And I remember meeting you on the Royal Mile. It was Edinburgh 2004. I was flying with Josie Long, Mark Oliver, Mick Ferry. It was our big value show. And someone went. What a fucking line. Someone went, oh, it was our it was our big value show and someone went a fucking line someone went oh it was it was amazing uh uh seymour mace was on and someone went oh eddie brimson's over there

and i was like it was that that was my first fringe and i was meeting so many famous people josie long was made was mates with jimmy carr and and david o'doherty because she'd started so young in comedy and we were bumping into people. I was so starstruck to meet Eddie because I was like, Eddie, Eddie, I'm the other Watford fan in comedy. You were so nice about it.

You were like, all right, mate, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a big footy fan, aren't you? I am, yeah. And that sort of ties in. Like one of the reasons we asked you to come in today is you've got a book coming out

that you wanted to promote which is called Naughty Boy. And we asked you to come in today is you've got a book coming out that you wanted to promote, which is called Naughty Boy. And I want you to tell us about it. Well, a few years back, I got asked to write a screenplay for Lionsgate and I wanted a football violence film because I've written a lot of books about football, fan culture and a darker side of football fan culture

back in the 70s and 80s about football violence and all that. a darker side of football fan culture back in the 70s and 80s about football violence and all that yeah and the books were um a lot about to do what i try to explain or why people get involved and drawn into that kind of world and and how how it actually works rather than the perception that was around back then that it was much more organized and so we sort of blew the lid on that because when i was younger i used to be i used to be involved i used to like a bit of that and so i understand that so when you say you still like a bit of that you're talking about like fighting with other teams fans yeah yeah well football back in the 70s late 70s and through through the 80s and was was very different you know very different

to what it is now and Watford were really good as well Watford were fucking brilliant back then there's some great footage mate there's some stuff

on at the moment videos about Watford made videos of us back then and we were just incredible incredible and I followed Watford

from the old second division which is now a championship down to the fourth and then all the way back up into Europe. The Elton years. I was there all the way through it.

And it was magical time. If you don't know, like if you're an international fan of the podcast, like we're Watford fans. Watford are a small town that I have no right to follow. It was just my- Yeah, tell them how you followed it. It was me and my mate in first year of like or year seven just trying to be difficult trying to be original

because everyone was a liverpool fan or a man united fan and his dad was from watford so we were just being little weirdos basically and then his dad took us to a few games and it was the first game you're like oh i love this yeah as soon as you're in the away end and everyone's like pass it to fucking feet and we used to even though I'm from Lancashire what was your first game? Oldham

away when? it wasn't the one where it was snowing no no it was 2-0 Watford Holdsworth not Dean

David Holdsworth scored with a header Gary Porter was captain and honestly it was being part of something even though I was captain and honestly it was being part of something

even though I was from Preston it was great we went for about four seasons all the North West away games and we got to the point

where because we were in the Watford fans even at Preston North End versus Watford we were in the away end and as soon as we got in there

we go we wouldn't go come on Watford in our voices because that sounded weird we'd put on a fake we go we wouldn't go come on Watford in our voices because that sounded weird we'd put on a fake Watford accent come on the best one was ever right this I want you to carry on it's really nice this is episode 108 and we've we've really avoided talking about football right the reason the reason we've done it is avoided talking about football on the podcast

right can't do that the reason the reason we've done it is because as you know I'm a Liverpool fan and I'm a wind up

and we didn't want to alienate any listeners but you're a proper fan though you're a proper fan but he he's not as into footy as he used to be and in 108 episodes

I've never seen this joy of football on his face it was fucking great Tommy Moon I fucking loved it once an all in always an all in In 108 episodes, I've never seen this joy on his face. It was fucking great. Tommy Mooney. I fucking loved it. Once an only, always an only. Once we played Preston, and I will never forget it,

it's called the Town End. It's like the rowdy end at North End. And we were near it in the away fans. But I'm from there. My granddad was a season ticket holder at North End at Deepdale. It's the weirdest thing. And we did the chants in a fake Watford accent, like, pass it to fucking feet.

We'd join in. And then at one point, and I've never heard it before, the Watford fans started singing, you can't talk proper, shut your mouth. You can't talk proper, shut your mouth, right? And me and Fraser Fraser both from Preston sat there and went

oh that's weird isn't it yeah fuck it you can't talk proper shut your mouth it was the strangest like I love being a Watford fan but we

this was when Watford were second tier and never that good yeah you followed them in the Elton John years he paid basically

paid them up the ladder yeah well well say that he was the original shake he sat in the dugout paid basically paid them up the ladder yeah well well say that we had a lot of shake he's a proper proper fan and um he the key was great getting graham taylor in and a lot of those players he didn't buy it's not like now he didn't go out and buy all those players we had a brilliant youth system which we've always had and well it's kind of gone

tits up recently but a lot of those players came through like Luther and John Barnes they're all local you know came through

that's how that team came about and yeah it was incredible it was incredible to follow them back then and it was

it was good fun on and off where was it where was it the most naughty where did it was it Luther I got battered at Swansea badly. If I'd have had to guess where you got battered.

Swansea? I tell you what, they get fucking nasty in Swansea. Oh mate, I got proper battered at Swansea. What they did is we played them on a Sunday and they,

just before kick-off, all of a sudden there was about 20 of them in the Watford bit. This is at the old Vetchfield. And they started singing and fucked straight off. And we was like,

that's shit. If you're going to come in, do it. Then as we're walking back to the car, there's me and my brother and two of my mates. And we're walking along and there's this big car park,

all rubble around it by the side of the ground. All of a sudden, we're walking along. It's coming straight at us those 20 lads straight at us and it's like

oh for fuck's sake here we go we go to do a jog on my brother stays there like that and this lad picks up a bit of wood and whacks my brother

in the leg with it and it sticks in his leg right so I thought it's my brother I wish if I knew now what he was like I'd have fucking left him but I thought it's my brother. I wish if I knew now what he was like, I'd have fucking left him.

I thought it's my brother, I can't just leave him. I'm gonna have to take money. So I go start walking back and I go leave him alone. Start coming and then I turn around and as I turn around, there's a load of them there straight on the floor knee in the back lift me head up and my head's just getting kicked the fuck left right and they fractured my skull and all I could hear was car doors

in this car park going click all the Wofford fans going we'll leave them to it right and I got up

went round the corner I got up they went you know you cockney bastard and being a I jumped up we're not fucking cock know, you cockney bastard. And being a, I jumped up. We're not fucking cockneys.

Walk off, get around the corner and just die. You can kick me in the head, sir, but do not call me a cockney. How dare you? I'm from Hertfordshire. I got around the corner and died in a heap in this alley. And then my two other mates come around just creasing up laughing, going, we watched that. It was fucking hysterical.

Right, and left me. But two weeks later they were playing at spurs and we were away on the next day so i took a little mob of us down to tottenham to see if we could right so we're standing on this lower shelf in tottenham and without really thinking about it because the Tottenham and all without really thinking about it because Tottenham's naughty down there

all of a sudden they're singing fuck off Watford fuck off Watford but we're a blip we're kind of like we don't give a shit about it

and then 20 minutes in the end we left ran round to where the away end is at Spurs and went in with a Swansea to see if we could

find the guys who beat me up but they weren't there. Right. It's a waste of an afternoon. You were so much harder than I have ever been in my life. If I got twatted in Swansea, I wouldn't go looking for them at Tottenham. I'd just never visit Wales again.

It was bad. It was a really stupid thing to do. And I'm surprised I managed to convince my mates to do it because it was a really stupid thing to do. How did the Tottenham crew? They just could they clocked you they clocked us because you didn't turn up in watford scarves yeah all right good no but hamill where i'm from my mum and dad are from tottenham hamill's got loads of people with a link to loads of talking fans so they would have just known who we were all right so someone would have said there's a

load of watford down there so and they couldn't make out why the fuck are they here and then we fucked off so just to go back to where we started one at oldham though right we went to oldham that's why i said it was the one that was snowing we went up thereham that's okay Oldham that's why I said was it the one that was snowing we went up there one year it was snowing

and it should never have been on this footage is actually online because I watched the goals the other day right it's one old draw and they put us in this corner bit

and at the end we come out to go into our coach right but it was only about 150 watts because the weather was so bad people just didn't

bother it should never have gone on and we just climbed on our coach and then all the Oldham lot come out it was only about 150 watts because the weather was so bad people just didn't bother it should never have gone on and we just climbed on our coach and then all the old them lot come out

I thought oh here we go it's gonna so the door's open I jump off ready to go the door's shut and it's just me

John's over there I'm banging on the door to get back on what did you do do you want to build a snowman? They put all the windows through and we had to come all the way back from Oldham

on this freezing cold day to work for with no windows in the cave. The only the closest I've ever got to being involved in a footy fight like that is I went to Leeds away in the Carlin Cup and

I don't want to get twatted for the Carlin Cup and I don't want to get twatted for the Carabao Cup and the way Leeds Leeds ground is right near the motorway so the

the away team car park where all the coaches stay is about a 10 minute walk from the ground it's at least 5 and I was 17

I went with my two mates Tony and Nevin and we watched the game we went through I think it was 1-0 I think David and Go

scored the winner I think because the next round we got knocked out at the Emirates and we went to that as well but we're leaving

and we're walking towards like the thing and we're getting close we're getting right by our coach Park and my mate Tony he's a bit mouthy but he's not a fighter by any means and we're walking towards the thing and we're getting right by our coach par. And me mate Tony, he's a bit mouthy, but he's not a fighter by any means.

He just goes, never coming back to Leeds again. It's a fucking shithole. And then from behind us, we're just there. Well, then fucking don't come back, you scouts cunt. And there's about 30 of them. And we're like, we're not there for that. We've just been there to watch the game. And I shit myself. And then we just got just close enough them and we're like we're not there for that we've just been there to watch the game and i shit

myself and then we just got just close enough to our car park for about 40 50 liverpool fans who were there for that to come and sort of take over the situation oh yeah that's rat ellen road is just off the m621 and it's got one stand that was relatively new the rest like there's been films made about leeds united hasn't there like the damned united and they just used the the ground as it is because it hasn't been touched since 1972 there's none of these like shopping complexes around it it's it's you could get murdered around ellen road like it's i've got a lot of time for Leeds. Are they annoying?

No, just when I was a kid, before I started going to football, I followed Leeds when I was watching football on telly because Mick Jones was my hero as a kid. Carl, if you just heard Carl just crack his knuckles next to a microphone. It's like he's going to spark, Eddie. Yeah, I fucking love Leeds as well it's kicking off

yeah so he used he was I don't have heroes in any shape or form the only two people I look up to Luther Blissett who's just a

gent and he's taught me so much about life in general who's that Luther Blissett Watford legend

ended up playing for Milan. Oh, of course, yeah. And they worship him. They've got, there's a section called the Luther Blissett section at AC Milan. And,

they've got a real socialist section named themselves after Luther. All right. And Mick Jones, who used to play for Leeds because he was a left, he was a left man. Just to go back to the original,

where that's part of this conversation has started from this is your book oh yeah and tell me you're not interested in this book after that

which is was originally a play and a screen was originally and you wanted to you were saying before I was asked to write a football film

but they clearly wanted another beat me up film and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to write something which was a bit more in depth and what draws people to that.

About the reasons why people get into it rather than just it's footy and they're fighting. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to do it. So I wrote this script.

They said the first script I wrote they said it's a bit too art house so I put it away. A couple of years ago I dragged it out again. Thought this might make a good book.

Mainly because there's some really good scenes in it and I didn't want anyone lifting the scene. So I thought, I'll write a book and then it's mine. And then halfway through writing the book, I was just preparing to go to Edinburgh. And when I go to Edinburgh, I like to try something different. Yeah, I've always known that, I've always noticed that about you. Yeah, because I'm scripted,

I'm a scripted comic, but not at Edinburgh. I like to fart. You always do something a bit different. I remember doing a, because for those who are not sort of attuned to every episode of this podcast where we have spoke about what Edinburgh's like before,

during the Fringe, you do your show, but you do a lot of sort of extra shows to exit flyer and and get people in and i remember doing a gig with you in the beehive where you wore a gas mask yeah yeah i finished this that year i finished the show i was in the third floor which is you that gig's in the second floor yeah i was in the third floor and i finish the show in a white paper suit like i got arrested in and i'd put a gas mask on and i had a stick with a baby on it and i play it like a guitar and then i'd just go

let's give thanks this is the best gig i've ever had i'm gonna end my career tonight and then i'd climb out the window and draw the curtains so i was standing on the ledge outside of the building, three stories up, waiting for the people to go. Wow. She just tickled my back that night. One night, this woman tried to pull me back in because she thought I was actually going to jump. And as I'm going like that, she then let go, and I just grabbed the curtain and I'm hanging out.

Well, she definitely knows the industry. Don't do it, love. It reads like a four. It's not it reads like a four it's not worth it chortle's not worth it i never get people to um oh a few people have reviewed writing because it's so different anyway what we digress now so that year into coming up to 2019 when i was writing the book i thought this book could make a good play right so then i decided i'll do a play as well as a stand-up show so i adapted the book down to a play which is really hard work for an hour did the play at edinburgh and it's just there's a little bit about football

because it's a hedonistic it starts in an institution it's a it's a one-man play it's a hedonistic it starts in an institution it's a one-man play it's like a monologue and um it starts in a institution and then this guy takes you on this hedonistic weekend away of sex drugs and violence but the violence manifests itself at football because it's just part of the weekend but there's a lot in there about the importance of football and what shapes this guy in particular. He talks a lot about his past and these flashbacks to his past. And then once they get back to London, it gets very graphic. Something really bad happens.

And so it leaves you, the book leaves with the asking a lot of questions about what actually happened why was he like he was because one of the themes of it is this is a big thing for me everybody seems to have an excuse for their bad behavior they've either got this or this happened to when they were young or some people are just cunts i love it some people are but there don't seem to be any acceptance of that and that is one of the themes of this book he's kind of saying that yeah through a lot of it and if you then society mold you if it does or if it's nature nurture whether it does or not then you can play that to get yourself out of situations yeah there's quite a lot of in-depth in the book so i did it

edinburgh did really well the reviews surprised i couldn't believe how well it went the reviews are really good the most important thing to me was about the writing though rather than the performance and the reviews and people stayed and said that they thought the writing was really strong so when i come back i then turned it back into a book i cut it right down yeah normally a novel's like 75 000 words this is 25 000 it's a novella but every word has to count like stand-up when you're doing stand-up no fat no fat particularly because i don't fuck about on so i'm not like you i no fat particularly because i don't fuck about on so i'm not like you i'm not like lou i don't fuck about on stage yeah you fuck about yeah and i wish i

could but i'm very scripted yeah yeah i am i've made a lot of my career just fucking about yeah but it's brilliant it's such a skill to be able to do that we can all fuck about but it still has to be funny no i know you know and it's a real skill to make it funny. But it's nice to see real content in it or read real content, especially. Yeah, but being able to fuck about, if you're not going well, you have nights where they just don't buy into it.

If you can't do that, which I don't really do that, there's nowhere to go. So if a gig's going tits up, it's going tits up. You can't then go, well, let's get something out of this gig. We've just recently, funny you should say,

we've just talked about it recently. It's all very well, like ad libbing and messing around, but you do need the content. You need the bits. It's not easy. People think that sort of stuff, oh, it's just riffing. Yeah, it is riffing, but it's not just riffing. You really have to know what you're doing to be able to do that.

And the only way you find that out is through years of practice where can we find it where can we um the book the books should be out it should be out definitely next friday and it'll be up on amazon and you can get it as a kindle download or you can get it as a paperback so that's going to be friday the 26th february it should be up but it might even be up by monday it's with them all now so it's just got to get up there. Well, this episode is going to go out publicly and we're still not done,

by the way. We've still got another full section of this show to do. We don't often do an hour. Yeah, it's a good chunk. We're usually talking to comedians who talk absolute nonsense,

just like us. And both of us have sat there going, more? Tell us more. Well, definitely by Friday. Well, hopefully by Friday Friday the 26th

February it might already be out right now and it's called Naughty Boy written by Eddie Brimson yeah

that's it right let's have a little break let's speak to one of our sponsors and then we'll come back and we'll we'll tie a fucking bow won't it lad yeah

we'll do that fucking dilemma thing got it I reckon do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world

well I do but I'm sick of getting beat by the bookies now I've been going to bettinggods.com since they started sponsoring this podcast they're a great sponsor

to have on board and they are the best tipsters in the betting game anything from tennis to ice hockey to footy rugby

horse racing if you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now, and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser.

You don't want to be losing your bets. You want to be winning your bets. Bettinggods.com. They're going to help you do that. We're back. We are back. With Eddie Brimson. So, Eddie, we get a lot of

correspondence from our listeners we get some a lot of weird shit a lot of weird shit something we asked for recently was like domestic disputes

or like any dilemmas when it comes to relationships and we got one that came in a few hours ago from a guy called Stephen Thompson long time listener basically he's come up with a hypothetical moral dilemma and he wants us to all know he wants to know what we'd all do okay with that situation so imagine you're coming home

from a gig it's around 11 p.m and you're less than a quarter of a mile away from your house you realize in this very moment it's your missus' birthday, but you've completely forgotten to get her a present of any kind. Oh, Jesus. The shops are closed. There's no feasible place to get a decent, worthy gift. Now, he's addressed this to me and Dan, obviously. So he said, Laura, as she is right now,

is heavily pregnant in this situation. And my relationship with Sam, who's my new missus, is still fresh out the box, yet to descend into the daily battle between love and resentment delicate for different reasons and he remains very keen to impress her so you're you're in a relationship um and you know you've this is this is what's happened and you know your missus will be extremely pissed off if you fail to acknowledge their birthday in any way as you're approaching your house just a few streets away, you notice a perfectly intact bunch of flowers, absolutely stunning,

and a cute cuddly teddy positioned right next to a memorial for a kid recently hit in a road traffic accident. Oh, Jesus. There are plenty of other flowers and items left by the memorial in the tribute, so the removal of these said items wouldn't be that noticeable. There is also no one around,

so you're unlikely, but it's not impossible for you to get caught. Do you take the flowers and save yourself from having to go through the ball lake of dealing with an angry partner, or do you opt to not pillage the memorial of a dead child and arrive home to face the music?

Cheers, regards, Stephen. Before you gave me that option, I was going to say I would fake a car crash. Someone's done the work for you, Eddie. Exactly, someone's done the work there. Hang on, so you're saying you would fake a car crash and then wait for flowers to arrive weeks later? No, I just wouldn't go home.

That's what I mean. I'd fake a car crash and say I was in hospital. I'll be home in the morning. I'll be there's no point in you coming I'll see you in the morning and then I'll get something the next day yeah do you like grapes yeah do you think your partner would buy that where would you go would you go to a hotel uh no just sleep in the car. She won't now. She won't now. But okay, so now that scenario, yeah, I'd take the flowers.

You'd take the flowers? Absolute hot. Not a teddy bear. It's fantastic having this dilemma with your partner. The teddy bear is a bit more, oh, thank you, that's so nice, love. Why does it say gone too soon? On the teddy bear is a bit more Oh thank you that's so nice love Why does it say gone too soon On the teddy bear

I don't You wouldn't take the flowers would you Because I'm telling you right now I wouldn't even think about it I'd take them Immediately Who are you hurting Who are you hurting

If you can sleep at night you're not hurting anyone but there is a chance you're just not concentrating and someone clocks you doing it yeah I think that is the cringier bit but then what you do is

you explain the situation don't you right if you're taking and someone says what are you doing you say look this has happened

I'll take these for now I'll get you some fresh ones in the morning. No, what I would do is go, I put these here, but this is the wrong tree for the wrong dead kid. I'm taking them to put it on the right one. Or I bought these and left them. Sorry, is this for Timmy? Articulated Laurie.

Oh, little Jessica hit by a motorbike. Wrong incident. My bad. I'll just, I'll just untie. Gone too soon, bear. That's what I would do.

Fucking brutal. And then, if that person is like still pissed off for you, then they're in the wrong and you look, you look good, if anything.

Or, I bought these, left these there to pick up on the way home and then this happens there's no dead kid people are just assuming there is oh my god how scared are you of all the bushes to pick you know you're scared of your missus if you're stealing memorial flowers off a railing that's when you know what would you do would you just get home and be like look lord i

don't think it's being scared i did i just think it's the right thing to do right thing to do it's okay right cool we did nothing for valentine's day yeah so i'm all right turning up with nothing if you're in a very intense romantic relationship where you make sex bivouacs like maybe there's a bit more like there's he made a little did he yeah are we not allowed to talk about that which the the tp oh yeah no no you can he's very romantic it's a surprise honestly like he will steal from dead children's memorials but lou's surprised that i'm a romantic man oh first valentine's it was astounded that's my full name it was they don't call him adam i made a i made a i cleared my spare room i made it I'm a romantic man Oh First Valentine's It was astounding That's my full name It was

They don't call him Adam Rom I made a I cleared my spare room I made a teepee Out of bamboo And bed sheets No that's cool

Or quilts Genuinely That's cool I'll be honest with you First Valentine's What did you do Eddie In this I took a Swansea

Yeah I took a damn All alone for a bit of revenge. In our relationship, right, there's definite role reversal. I am a bloke, I like being a bloke, but I'm in touch with my feminine side and I'm quite romantic. She ain't. She's not romantic in the slightest. To the point, the other other week we were being intimate

right and i was down at the sharp end three pronged attack thumb finger tongue all of a sudden all of a sudden there's a fart right i look up to see these eyes wide open and i think so i think i don't mean to be embarrassed by this it's okay darling and she's gone that wasn't a fanny fart you need to get out of it you got three seconds to leave the bedroom i think there might be a bit of luggage. I feel like in this situation and with this dilemma, I think it might be a waste to leave Lou Comran sat over there if you wanted to maybe come and say your piece.

I want to hear about the three-pronged attack. You would agree, wouldn't you, that you're not... We need to get her a microphone so she needs can move that over there that's gonna be better this is former guest lou conran as i'm sure a lot of our listeners we were just sitting in the car having a sandwich and I asked her genuinely, do you think I'm a manly man? And she went, you're fucking joking, aren't you? He's more of a woman than I am.

Honestly, you are. And he rotates his cutlery. Who does that? What a weirdo. And also... Rotate your cutlery? Yes, because he doesn't like the other ones on the bottom to be left out. What?

Do you know what? It sounds mental, but also quite sensible as well. Don't... Make sure there's a little rotation going. There's a rotation so that they can't wear them out. Oh, so the spoon you've just used goes to the back of the queue. It does make you look mental, but also it does make sense. It makes sense.

It's the least sexy thing I've ever heard. Come to bed and make love to me, Eddie. I'm just rotating the spoon. No, it's not. Come to bed and smell this, Eddie. It's what I usually get. Get on that. So you farted on his, out of your bum hole, onto his...

I think your silence... Onto his trident. I think your silence says it trident I think your silence says it all right now but no come on we're generally right

yes and of the of the relationship I am the more romantic you're not yes

every time you every time you tell me you say shh Mr Romantic I'm gonna get murdered when I get home every time you tell me

that you love me or you wanna say something nice I inadvertently break wind or belch or something like that because I can't handle it

she can't do it I can't handle somebody being nice to me it's not just you I did mention this on the video that is coming out for a quiz

I was having a sexual intercourse with my partner the other day. What? What were we doing? We were intimate. Sexual intercourse. What happened to banging, guys? That's the difference.

It was clattering into me. Some wind shot at the whole point. I was having sexual intercourse with my partner and during it, she burst out laughing and I said said what are you laughing at and she said i just thought about how big your head is we just finished once and i looked up and she went and i was like you're fucking kidding me you've been in the north too long tickety boo

oh I'm cracking both both thumbs fucking hell is it a great Steve Shanyasky you're done

pal yeah the two thumbs up is literally that have I parked it properly you've done really well

oh my god damn this has been a fun one shall we wrap it up with what we traditionally wrap up an episode with I have a word our main feature

title feature erm so Dean Wicks sup Adele Danielle Caroline and Fenella

Fenula fuck it can you have a word with my brother's ex-girlfriend they broke up a month before Christmas, and the day after she was messaging me asking if we could stay in touch

as she thinks I'm lovely to be around. I'm also moving near her in September when I start uni, and she is already making plans. Is this just friendly bits, or is it creepy? Cheers, lads. She wants a revenge. Cheers to revenge. Spot onads she wants a revenge cheers for revenge yep spot on

she wants a dick spot on she wants to shag him so that she can go to her ex and be like I shagged your brother his dick's bigger than yours his pubes are trimmed neater

his bum is that do women use that as dick I think they do yeah his dick is bigger he's more manscaped his bum hole is nowhere near as smelly.

He's got better abs. His skin is lovely. Well, she's vindictive. He's got a better credit rating. And he rotates his colouring, which I find to be sensible and not creepy and OCD-like. That's what she wants. That's exactly what she wants, though.

What do you think? Yeah, no, he's bang on. It's definitely she wants. That's exactly what she wants, though. What do you think? Yeah, no, he's bang on. It's definitely a revenge bang. I mean, it's your siblings, your friends, once they split up, it's a very tricky relationship, isn't it? Because what if the brother's been the wrong in the relationship ending and she's nice and you've always got on? Do you just have to, like, close that door emotionally?

Yeah. Be gone to me! You do, yeah. You can still be mates. You're done. You can still be mates, but you can have to like close that door emotionally? Be gone to me. You do, yeah. You can still be mates. You're done. You can still be mates, but you can't get involved in that side of things.

Have you ever done a revenge bang? I don't think you've been matey. No, I'm not even talking about the revenge. Like, no, I've not done a revenge bang. I have. I think it's tricky just like, I think it's just tricky like still being like, hey, because you're not enemies or anything,

but you do in a breakup, you have to pick a team, don't you, really? And he has to pick his brother. Yeah. It's family, isn't it? Unless he hates his brother and there's a family rift, which there clearly isn't. Eddie? Well, if there's not a rift, you can still be mates.

You can still be mates. It's just, I think the easiest thing to do is to let it go. But I have done a random check. But you can't do he can't go he knows what it sounds a bit he knows what's happening there

yeah yeah you can be mates but this is too matey she's yeah she's yeah I feel like I feel like you're dying

to tell us the revenge I can't everyone's watching going do the revenge well he'll clearly get a phone call when he's pissed one night and go round there and do it yeah

he's gonna do it it wasn't like an intentional revenge man but it definitely do you remember the line you used to your ex's new fella hang on boys

we've lost a bit of context here what's I don't know what you're talking about I genuinely don't know what you're talking about hang on your revenge man it was great

it was you have to tell me off pod you were arguing and you shouted something to him and it wrote him off no I don't know what you mean. Okay. Fire!

Can I say it? I'm not going to say any names. Go on, you can cut it out if it's wrong or whatever. So you... They worked together and he was being a bit aggy with you and you went, yeah, but your beard sucked my dick, so fuck off.

No, I don't know what you're talking about. I was there. You'd obviously had a drink oh i know oh i do i know who you mean now i'm not even talking about no recollection i very rarely remember anything when i'm drunk enough to say something like that I know what you're talking about now that got tense I just didn't know what he was on about

it's not the nicest thing I've ever said but if you had the full context of that situation you would absolutely be on my head I thought that was definitely getting cut out of the podcast and it's definitely not no it isn't but the one I'm talking about is so one of uh my ex-lovers um we did you summer with her and chad swerve to be fair not even i would have said

that um adam one of my former romantic partners um we were on a night out uh me her her friend and uh a guy and it transpired that after an argument me and her had had a week before she had slept with this guy and he now thought because she was all over me on that night i was he was like what the fuck's going on with you two and i was like why is he pissed off and she was like oh when we had murder last week i shagged him so i went do you favor just don't ever talk to me again and i got off which then caused an argument between them two again so here may followed me and was like they're having murder i want to carry on drinking can we go out and i shagged her make that night lovely stuff and once after that as well actually i think i honestly think it's sort of it's kind of fair game isn't

it a little bit like it wasn't like i was like to a mate like hey she's pissed me off let's go like madam are you interested in revenge i don't know because i'm going down to White Hart Lane next week. Yeah. I've got no idea whether my ex knows about that to this day. Well, luckily, this isn't a Patreon episode. This one's going out on the internet forever. But yeah. Yeah. Happened that night.

And then a few months. Oh, my day. What the fuck argument was that i can't i can't i can't oh yeah you you know who the both are now yeah yeah yeah yeah well this is you look really disappointed this has been a fun one this has been a fun one don't think that we've done the the breadth of the discussion like we've done today for a while, hasn't it? Like the hunt saboteur and then ending on a revenge bang story.

It's been... Vintage. It's been... Yeah, just leave, mate. Your brother's ex, just tell her to jog on. There's lots of people she can be matey with. You're not that guy. Because it's going to ruin a fucking Christmas or two.

Speak to your brother and go, look. Just tell your brother about it see that's what he should do and see how he feels go look who needs it fucking this girl's doing this and i want to know how you feel about and if his brother goes lad i don't want anything to do with it and if you want to go there fucking fill your boots because she wants to shag his brother she wants to i just feel like there's there's like plenty more less emotionally stressful fish in the sea. Yeah, but like,

it's got that added layer of it being a bit wrong, hasn't it? Which is a bit of a turn on. So maybe he's into that. Nice one. Romance. Yeah,

he is. He's a romantic. Romance. Make her a teepee. Eddie. Yes. Pleasure. Lou.

The three pronged attack. I will not forget at least you didn't shit on your hand oh god that's another day and on that bombshell go and check out

Eddie's book Naughty Boy sign up to our Patreon go and watch Adam's special on YouTube it's been a pleasure it's been great thanks for listening

and yeah there's still merch available haveawaypod.com anyone who hasn't got it yet but you in order they know about that the big thing is patreon.com

slash haveawaypod extra episode every week up to 48 hours early access to this public stuff and plenty of other bonus content coming your way

including pissed up episodes and Carl's quiz coming early next month bye Felicia bye Felicia let's face it most meal replacements are rough on sensitive stomachs and Carl's quiz coming early next month. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Let's face it, most meal replacements are rough on sensitive stomachs, not Sperry. Sperry is a complete plant-based meal crafted for better digestion.

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