Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #109 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

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Now then lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a Patreon. You get an extra 90 minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall, it gets a little bit loose, it gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favourite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit that can't go on the proper internet.

Once you sign up, you get the full back catalogue of all the Patreon exclusives we've done every week since May 2019. You also get to watch the now legendary lockdown lock-in where we got absolutely shit-faced and recorded it.

Oh my God, it got messy. And any more lockdown lock-ins will only be on Patreon. Once you subscribe, you also get early access to the public episodes. The public get it on Monday. You'll get it on Saturday morning. And there's discounts on merch.

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If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Jar, upset me, nasty bitch!

Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl

with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Do you want to do the first order? Order. Order. Order. Now, is this We've got a gavel

Is that what it's called It's a gavel yeah A gavel And Is that the gavel And that's the hammer Or is it that the gavel That's the gavel

And that's the plate I think together They're the gavel I think separately This is a hammer And that's a little thing Yeah Together

Yeah They become a gavel You sound like one of those Dodgy sellers on eBay Do you want a hammer And a little thing yeah together yeah they become a gavel you sound like one of those dodgy sellers on ebay do you want to hammer the little thing you know what i mean like on a on a motorbike from china like the handlebar is the handlebar the wheels of the wheels put them together most like it's really philosophical sent in by sent in by antonia thank you antonio antonia sorry antonia antonia Antonia because Antonia and Antonio are one letter different

but the picture they put in your head yeah Antonia is oh she's the girl a single mum from the northwest

of England and Antonio is father to 300 children in South America oh he's the father isn't he

so Antonia's kids are not there no more he's the father isn't he Antonio so Antonio's kids are not there no more he's the other half Antonio is like I think an Italian beautiful Italian lady

no no not in love Antonio she's a lovely girl by the way I've been speaking to her on Instagram she's really lovely

Antonio is lovely I've got a mate called Antonio yeah and where's he from he's very second generation Italian.

Antonio Malanga. Yeah. And Antonio. Shout out, Tony. Everyone from Chester calls him Tony. Antonio in Liverpool is Tony with an I. Yeah. Right.

Shout out, Tony Malanga. You know what they say about girls with an I at the end of the name? What? No, I don't. Really? That's the judgment. I always think it's mad that people are that misbehaved in Parliament and stuff,

that the big man has to have a big hammer that he bangs on the table to have fun to shut up. Yeah. Is it just that's the final... Is it literally just order? No, sometimes it's, hey, over here, I've got a big hammer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not analysis going on. He's just trying to wring his head. Hey, over here, I've got a big hammer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not an analysis going on. He's just trying to wring his head. Hey, look. I don't know if, Carl, you did it on purpose, but you've glued it to the table slightly too far away from Adam, which is really entertaining. Don't know why.

Because you know he wants it, but he's kind of like, order! Order! Have a little reach. We need a horsehair wig now for you, Dan. Why is everyone sending in So much fucking stuff What else do we get Hey

The have a word I'm not Like it's just a bit of a flurry Isn't it The have a word party That's from Indie clone Has someone registered us

As an official political party Not sure That's from Indie clone though He's a Modern day goat now isn't he Yeah And then this really This is the one innit Someone has sent you some worn knickers

yeah have a word dan knicker lover nightingale thank you for leaning on the k there in knicker i don't get it i don't get what joke you're trying to make it could have sounded Nicker lover Let's warm up to the end of our careers Shall we Three minutes in Do you remember Nickerbocker Glories I do Word association boy

I don't even know what they are That was a fucking elite ice cream man That was a treat that way innit expensive then mate they were like £1.29 back in the day they were expensive

screwballs yeah they were expensive back then like ice cream was all expensive the little cone with the bubble gum

at the bottom oh yeah do you know what I got into as a teenage lad which was so Tory I got into the oysters you know. Do you know what I got into as a teenage lad, which was so Tory? I got into the oysters. You know, because they got marshmallow in.

It's like a case of the old ice cream. My mum was like, wait, I'm not buying an oyster. Just because you like oysters. It's just trying to be difficult, but I genuinely love ice cream and marshmallow. Fucking works. I'm not into marshmallow, am I? No.

But yeah, those oysters are such a nana ice cream. Nobly boblies, up there, power. What was the- Twister's the goat though, Twister is. Yeah,

but you're talking about two different things, they're lollipops. No, when you go to the ice cream man, twist, if you're not getting a 99er, twist. What was like the multicoloured,

like ice creamy one on a stick? The zap. Was it a zap? Yeah. A zap. It was like yellow, yellow, green and yellow. No, that's not ice cream.

Yellow, green. It was? Yeah, it's like, it was like a lollipop ice cream, not proper ice cream. Yeah. I mean, fabs still go down well

in my household. Solero was heavy gear. Magnum. A white magnum is my favourite. Do you know what I realised about myself the other day? Right.

Do you know, Adam has been looking for a prop and I think we've found it. I've had this for, what, when did Tim send this in? About six weeks ago and I've loved it. Adam, but it's so menacing that mine is like a pipe and his is a weapon. Do you know what I realised? Listen!

Anything's a weapon if you hit someone hard enough. Okay, why are you... Working class realized listen anything's a weapon if you hit someone hard enough okay why working class philosophy anything's a weapon if you're hard enough do you know what i mean here's what i realized what we have to do broke me mrs joe with me dick one um once i've got my favorite thing from somewhere i never have anything else i'm with you here mate do you know what i mean like if i go to Chippy, I'm getting salt and pepper chicken with curry sauce, chips and fried rice.

And even though I really like crispy chili beef, unless I'm hungover or someone's died and I'm in a weird mood, like, I'm not changing from my main thing. That's my number two as well.

Yeah. Crispy chili beef, that's my number two. I was hungover at Pizza Express five years ago. Remember where I was? Headingley, Leeds. Tried Chili Beef, that's my number two. I was hungover at Pizza Express five years ago. Remember where I was? Headingly, Leeds. Tried the Polo Forza Romana-based pizza at Pizza Express.

For the first time ever, tried one of the different pizzas. It's basically the fiery chicken. I have never eaten another pizza at Pizza Express since. Done exactly the same thing. Found my choice, and you lose all the logic of like, well, you tried something new and you loved it why don't you now try other things new no i want to eat this one every time for fucking six years it's brilliant yeah it's like ice cream man i like all of the ice creams and

lolly ices we've just mentioned i'm getting a white magnum and if he's got no white magnum i'll just go dead base i can go for a ice cream on a cone however depends where you are and what what the heat's like yeah however do you not find though if you randomly eat at the same place two days in a row or like twice in three days you think maybe that's the only time i'll change it up if i'm at pizza express or nando's every two weeks or whatever that's a bit lavish but genuinely could be i will always go for my favorite yeah but if if randomly someone's like oh let's go there again and it's 48 hours i might change it up then what do you feel about that or would you go go face what i would tend to so the only the only time that will ever happen with

me is chinese that's the only that's the only time i'll ever happen with me is Chinese. That's the only time I'll ever have two within the space of 48 to 72 hours is a Chinese chippy. And what'll happen is I'll spend about an hour and a half deliberating on what to get because I'm like, I had Chinese two days ago and I had salt and pepper chicken then, so I'll get something new

and then I'll say, I'm getting crisp chile beef and then when I'm on the phone I'll change my mind and go back to salt then when i'm on the phone i'll change my mind and go back to something for chicken right yeah i don't change and i want to what about nando's you got you've got a straight down the line at nando's yeah hot chicken thighs extra crispy with uh chips and garlic bread never fuck with that when i'm dieting i'll get the butterfly chicken with rice and peas because it's like half the calories yeah but that's almost like not through choice, I know it is a choice

it's not through choice is it yeah I know what you mean, once you've locked in on your favourite, for me the choice is where you go not what you have when you're there and it winds Laura up because she's a normal foodie, she's like if you went to the same restaurant three times

she would try three different things for me, if you went to the same restaurant three times, she would try three different things. For me, if I go to Nando's, I get the fucking, I get the wrap. Sometimes I get the butterfly chicken. You're exactly like me. But I just, I get really in my lane. So if we go to Five Guys, I could tell you exactly what

burger I've always had and which one I'll have. I won't necessarily have that same burger at another burger place. I find my fucking I find my one. Regular cheeseburger. I just want the cheese and bacon on it. I don't want any of your shite. I think people overcomplicate burgers. If I'm having a burger,

here's the thing, right? This is quite weird. No ketchup and mayo? No. But, here's what I do. With a burger, I either want it plain. I'm going to say plain cheese and bacon don't count, so just cheese and bacon. Or I want fucking, I want a big messy thing

with like chili con carne and dazzles and all sorts of shit. Did you ever go Gourmet Burger Kitchen when they came out like 10 years ago? They were the ones that made burgers. It was very rare to see someone go, I'll have a cheeseburger with ketchup. It was more like, oh, this is the Mexican fajita burger.

And it's like, they really made it into a monstrosity. Almost famous. Had to put a bit of wood in it to fucking keep it up. To keep it as a burger. Almost famous. Switched that up though, didn't he?

Almost famous is my favourite messy burger, Gaff. And I really like, for just a normal burger, just cheese and bacon on it, maybe I'll put a bit of barbecue sauce, maybe if I'm feeling frisky. Byron, I like a Byron. Oh, mate, you can't,

like these burger places, because they specialise in one thing, it's like the pizza places, they've got to do something well, haven't they? You can't be one of them places where we only do this and then you're like ah they're not great like so byron gourmet burger five guys but like

the five guys i don't do loads i just get ketchup mayo a little bit of hot sauce on the cheeseburger with a bit of lettuce which is the hot sauce randomly makes it so good man that has become our like lockdown treat because there's one at elsmere port there's one in chester we all drive and just get a little picnic in the fucking disabled parking spots like please don't park in the disabled parking spots like the the whole area is closed there's only people coming to five guys and no one's getting out of the car did i tell you about the cubanos me and Mrs. made last week? What's that? A Cuban sandwich.

Have you seen the film Chef? With... Is it Jon Favreau? Yeah. Have you seen it? It's fucking brilliant. You know the sandwiches he makes when he goes in the... Spoilers. Is it about foot? Adam again dropping spoilers. No, spoiler!

Have you seen the film Chef Spoiler alert It's about food preparation Just saying I don't want to ruin it for anyone Jaws Spoiler alert It's got a shark in it Wow

Oh I know Could have been about a dolphin Jaws Yeah They haven't got very big jaws have they How do you know You do not know for sure Whether a shark or a dolphin's got a bigger jaw.

I refuse to accept that you know that. Back to the point. So many things have got jaws, it's absolutely mental. Come on, put it down. Never. You've got a real hammer next to you anyway. Oh, yeah. Right, put weaponry down

just put weapon just pick one it's almost like looking into your own death this is how it ends when we disagree when we disagree

out of a would you rather and the last thing I see is a B&Q fucking barcode off the handle of that fucking hammer and just as I like cough out the last bit

of like blood, I'll be like, it's going to do well for numbers. Clip this for Instagram. Get it on TikTok, man. Yeah, me and, so a while back me and Sam watched Chef. It's one of my favorite films. I love it. It's them feel good.

It always makes me hungry because he makes boss butties in it, right? He makes Cuban sandwiches it's like the Liverpool Echo film film review that's the Netflix thing at the top

chef loads of stars he makes boss butties in it watch it we'll take a sarnie people sneaking into the Odeon in Liverpool with bread and ham

and sliced cheese lad have you got any fucking sandwich stuff on you? No. So, yeah,

me and Sam decided we were going to make our own because there's a place in Liverpool called Kokomo. I got Carla Cuban sandwich from there a couple of weeks ago. It was lovely. I want to make my own.

So what do the Cubans do differently? So a Cuban sandwich, a traditional Cuban sandwich is like ciabatta style bread nice with mustard on each slice right on the inside yeah then a slice of like ham like honey roast ham on on the bottom yeah then a pickle right right then he's he's really taking it seriously, but...

Pickle? Then, another type of sliced or pulled pork. Oh, yeah. So, we got a pork shoulder and slow-cooked it overnight in orange juice. Right? Orange juice. Who the fuck are you? Lime juice.

Cumin. Paprika. Bit of salt and pepper. Slow-cooked it for 12 hours. right orange juice who the fuck are you lime juice cumin paprika bit of salt and pepper slow cooked it for 12 hours pulled it apart that went on top of the pickle right then

oh hang on is anyone else getting really like food horny I'm like oh god so sorry how long's this section can we order something

before the ham sorry is a slice of swiss cheese and on the top there's a slice of Swiss cheese as well. So it goes bread, mustard, Swiss cheese, ham, pickle, pulled pork, more Swiss cheese, more bread. And then here's the kicker bit, right?

It's already been kicked. Go. You melt butter and put it on the outside of the bread. Shut up, you dirty bitch. And then you grill the bread so the outside goes, like, crusty. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mama like that. Mama like that.

Oh, man. Me and Sam made, like, a lot of them last week. Cuban life expectancy, 47 years. Oh, it's good. Don't want it. Did you use any nutmeg? We didn't use nutmeg because I'd run out yesterday. Did you use cumin?

Did you use cumin? Oh, I'd be fuming if you didn't use cumin. Paprika, salt and pepper, lime, garlic. I've got some nutmeg. You've got some nutmeg, haven't you? Where did you get that from? Adam borrowed my keys last night to come to the studio because he can't find his pass so

I just gave him my keys because I couldn't be asked later. Threw them at him at the door and then I texted him saying are you home yet? About what four hours

later? Yeah I was in the Tesco near where we live. So I said get me a surprise. I got him some nutmeg.

I think he went to the chocolate bar. I think he did Yeah it's very rare When someone goes Surprise me You know like I got you a set of hand towels

It's not what people want is it They want a kinder egg I nearly got you some Chicken casserole mix Yeah Really annoying Really annoying Surprise

I got him a can of tuna once Couldn't open it In the car You're such a pair of dicks To each other Can I ask you a favour kind of tuna once. Couldn't open it because it was in the car. You're such a pair of dicks to each other. Can I ask you a favour? Could we open the pants? I'm really, really like

I'll open it if you want. trepidatious. Trepidatious? It's funny because I, what? It's gonna be, it's gonna have a

odor, isn't it? Why do you, why is it when you say pussy that it gets me? I don't know why. I swear like a fucking trooper. I know you're not being hateful or anything. It's just the way you say pussy is so weird. Pussy? There's going to be pussy on it.

I'm so nervous. Has it got skiddies on? Sorry to disappoint you. No used panties in here. But whoever delivered this to you now thinks you're weird. Ha ha ha ha. Hope you see the funny side from a non. Oh, it's a little joke card.

Oh, look, and they do a little bit of... Someone's done that to a person I know, and I didn't put two and two together. I thought it was genuinely just some panties. Adam is gutted that we're not sniffing crotch right now. Like, I can actually feel it in him. He's like, oh oh I wanted to smell some pussy juice.

It's definitely not liking. Go on have a sniff lad is there any pum pum? Royal fail. Banter. Oh yes I mean mate got sent a swingers one. A swingers invitation.

But that's part his. I mean I'm A disappointed and be inspired because i will be using this website um go for it you know what i can see that that is a panty sniff panties.co.uk now i'm seeing the outside there's literally a sticker that says warm for at least 48 hours like if you do like sniffing women's panties you don't want a sticker of like you don't want the sticker going don't worry warm for 48 hours on the front like like who who you getting a birthday card off you fucking drag queen auntie like it's obviously now i'm seeing it's a bit of banter but i love it how someone wrote i hope you see the funny side you're like have you watched the podcast the people who accept our post at this business park think we're fucking morons like we have ignored all the official admin they've tried to send us.

We've constantly shouted fucking Jew at the top of our voice near scientists who are working, sometimes with the door open. Last week, we broke into the Fiverr side pitch and nearly got thrown off our own business park. We did. The fire safety marshal treated us like we were fucking morons because we were stood in slightly the wrong bit of the car park. And then when we moved to the right bit of the car park, we started throwing sweets into each other's mouths.

We stood... Lads, go full. Go long. Fucking candy shrimp, lad. So I don't think I'm worried about someone being like, oh my God, I've done this to Dan and just I don't think I'm worried about someone being like oh my god I've done this to Dan and just I don't want him to be annoyed I don't care the security

guards here will be like yeah it's those fucking idiots again and PS all the security guards watch the podcast so we know that they think we're idiots they're into it I like the idea though that there's a couple of guys working in the security office who haven't got a fucking clue

what we do in this room and they're the ones who have to keep signing for this stuff so they're like what have they got today a Bernard Manning CD what have they got now

is that a coffee table oh god and now it's sniff aunties knock over the UK Christmas presents are these definitely meant to be in the science block

a table it's been Christmas presents. Are these definitely meant to be in the science block? A table. It's been... I know it's a bit of banter, but... Have I ever talked about liking knickers and stuff? Like, have I set out a... Have I ever... Has that been a thing? In my head, I'm like,

I've never talked about sniffing pants. Have I? No. Oh, into it? Oh, it are you honestly not really oh i thought you were saying you are how's this oh no no you said you're into blue blue veiny tits yeah remember that yeah but you're not into sniffing knickers no no i wrote used toilet paper. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I think about it.

It's obvious, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Used toilet paper that's not in the toilet that's just been left. Fucking grim. I like knickers, though. I do like big knickers. Big fucking medical knickers. What?

I don't like small panties I like You know like a hammock of a fucking pair With a proper like seat Oh like a big So not like lingerie you're talking like No I like big knickers Knickers

What's your favourite knicker? What's my favourite? I'm into all sorts of knickers But just not the little ones I like big knickers what's your favourite knicker what's my favourite I'm into all sorts of knickers but just not the little ones I like big knickers and I cannot lie do you like smelling it's a really good job I mispronounced lie then did you hear me I cannot

you alright Adam what's funny about knickers have you ever So in porn If there's a bit where A woman takes off like A big pair of knickers I'm like

Weirdly I like I'm into that bit Yeah I don't know Could get into it You know like you're into like Uniforms and stuff Yeah

It is specific uniforms Sexy ones I don't just want her to Be dressed like she works in fucking kfc you know what i mean it's not all what's what's the least sexy uniform you can think like if you were like with your missus like i want to do a bit of role play she was like great i'll get a uniform what's the least sexy like right what what adam what do you want me to do role play wise i want you to work as a part time member of staff

of the pound bakery not even not even not even Greg's the fucking discount pound bakery where they're like no well it is a thing

go for a pound first of all it's always sexy when a woman's got access to pasties it's just that's just sexy that is just

sex what I want you know what I want. You know what I mean? What is it? Is that pastry on the top? Yeah. Or is it psoriasis? You'll never know.

That's the role play at the Pound Bakery. But Pound Bakery is a thing for you. I put myself on the oven. I'll wipe you off with my bandage. I know you don't like conspiracies, but on the subject of pound bakery. Oh, no. This is real. This is...

We were doing a fun role play. This is a real one? We were going to do Halfords. I was thinking Ikea. The HL is the worst. We could have a conspiracy. How can you possibly get from pound bakery to conspiracies? Right, I'll tell you why.

Because the pound bakery pasties are exactly the same as the Sayers ones. It's just Sayers charged like £1.85 and pound bakery charged two for a quid. Right. They're exactly the same. They get delivered in the same van. And I know this. I've watched the documentaries. Because at five o'clock in the morning, my auntie, who I used to live with, lives opposite a Sayers.

There's you. Five in the morning, I was getting up. Young Adam trying to crack the case. I was getting up to go away for the gig. So it's like they're doing it when people are in bed. There was a pound bakery van. Was it a steak bakeout? No.

Come on! Fuck off! Oh, come on. Was it a steak bakeout? No. Go! Bang! Fuck off! Oh, come on. That was good. I was calling bullshit on, I was getting up to go to a gig at 5am. No, I was.

I was going down to like... What fucking gig? I was going to London to do like a thing in the afternoon, like a filming thing. Right. This is real. Is it real? And there was a pound bakery van outside the Sayers.

I thought you'd had an aneurysm and you were like, yeah, I had a really important gig in Huddersfield and I didn't want to be late so I set off at 5am. I got there at 6.45. No, if you've got to be in London

for lunchtime, you have to be on the 8am train or something. Good shout. I've never been needed in London for lunchtime. Yeah, there was a pound bakery van taking stuff into the sayers right so they're the same but to go back to your original point no one is as amazed or gives a shit as much as you you're like lads i'm taking down the whole fucking system yeah hey are you watching sayers we're on to you right so what's the problem? I'm not saying anything.

I'm just letting you know. I don't even know what a Sayers is. What's a Sayers? Sayers is like a Scouse Greggs. It's a very well-known thing. Right. Yeah. But did you say, Carl, DHL?

Yeah, like a delivery driver. You're telling me that's not sexy? I've got a package for you you I don't want to take package What? Are you What? My Large vagina

What package I think you've mixed up the No I've got a package for you My massive biff You've got to sign for it She says I've got a package for she says I've got a package

for you and I've got a bigger one for you suck my dick Jesus Christ so sexy you really do that delicate

meandering around the sort of that role play like I've got a package for you I'll do what I do suck my dick

end of role play Adam's just got his knob out in front of a DHL worker they take pictures now as well don't know what I know. Stop me, Dick. End of role play. Adam's just got his knob out in front of a DHL worker. They take pictures now as well, don't they? Also... I'm showing this to my manager. No, there's one sexy... DHL is a new... I mean, if you're going to do sexy role play,

you want a sexy royal male don't you UPS any delivery I'm good FedEx is the sexiest no not Hermes

no one wants to role play with a Lithuanian man who is like a fucking veteran of the Kosovo war or something I don't know why

you'd be a Lithuanian and a veteran of the Kosovo war but every time I get something delivered from the Hermes guy, I sort of want to take him in and feed him. He looks fucked. His van looks fucked. He's stolen from my package and he looks so fucked.

I don't even care. Hermes is the weirdest. I've got my package. No one's doing a fucking role play with Hermes. It's got to be FedEx because they've got no door. You can just look at the tits. FedEx? They've got no door,

have they? Right. Is that a thing? Am I making that up? Yeah, you know... I think you've just seen one with the door that fell off.

Yeah. I thought they had no door. Yeah. In American films and stuff. But you know in the roleplay they're allowed out of the van. You don't have to just wank next to your hand.

No, but they like pull up like, eh? Oh, right. A little bit of side boob. Yeah. All delivery people, they've got something for you and you need to sign for it. That's sexy as fuck.

It's really not. It's just the way you said it. You could say that in a different way. Delivery people have got something for you and you've just got to sign for it. If you go, delivery people, they've got something for you. You know what I mean? And you've got to sign for it with your jizz. Yeah?

Hope you've brought a baby wipe for that fucking smart screen, love. That's going to need a wipe. The least sexiest dinner lady, innit? Gotta be. The thing is, there is a limit of how attractive you could be and it'd be a dinner lady role play. You can't be like absolutely stunning and be like, it's time for dinner.

You'd be like, this doesn't seem real to me. You need to be 55 and called Barbara. No, but like, still, I think I could get there, you know. Really? Do you want an extra scoop of chips? Do you remember the hunchback? Yeah. Not here, though.

No, do you remember that? That wasn't a sexual fantasy. That was you just getting of chips. Do you remember the Funchbach? Yeah. Not here, though. No, do you remember that? That wasn't a sexual fantasy. That was you just getting extra chips. Adam just did a lady fantasy. Hi, Adam. Hiya, Barbara. Oh, you've been a good boy.

I have, Barbara. If you're a bad boy, I wouldn't give you extra chips. I've been a good boy, Barbara. Here's some extra chips. Thanks, Barbara. Adam eats chips. Fucking. give you extra chips I've been a good boy Barbara here's some extra chips thanks Barbara Adam eats chips

fucking it started off as roleplay and just became you with a bigger lunch absolutely phenomenal roleplay Barbara can I have some more you can

you fat little bastard Barbara I've got gravy on me pants is it gravy it is tell them about the hunchback. Did you have a dinner lady called the hunchback? The hunchback of...

So, there's an area near our school called Naughty Ash. The hunchback of Naughty Ash. The hunchback of Naughty Ash. She used to... She was called the penny picker. We used to put money on the table, like two peas, and she'd come and pick them all up. Yeah, and eat them.

Come on. She didn't eat them. No, okay, good. Was it the hunchback of Naughty Ash or the hunchback of Notra Ash? Naughty Ash. Yeah, yeah, okay. So she always, that was her thing, was it? If she saw a chain, she'd pick it up.

No matter where it was, no matter how much it was, she'd pick it up. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like that in my house. One of our mates' mums was a general leader as well. Yeah, I don't do it to other people's cash. Bunhead. Yeah, that was fun.

Got called Bunhead because his mum saved hot dogs. So he was Bunhead. That's not fair. Do you know in your school? Yeah. Do you know if someone... If you knew the name of another child's mum, did that become an insult?

Because, like, can I say your mum's name? No, you can't. Okay, so let's just call her something different. Linda. Linda. So, like, if his mum was called Linda, and I found out I was about to, I would shout Linda at him a thousand times a day,

and it would do his head in. Linda! Linda! Shut up, lad! Or he'd shout my mum's name back my mum's name is anne you can't do anything with that because she gone i saw finn's mum on facebook yesterday for the first time yeah i think she added me no she slid she liked one of my posts yeah she did and i was like then send me a nude click on it she sent me a package um yeah mom's name is sort of two no i don't think that was ever used as weaponry yeah and there was not unlike it wasn't like linda's a slag it was just linda jemba um it's really not that bad and also massively annoying

oh yeah remember one of our mates mums was relatively older than the others, maybe five years, and she was just called dead. Because she was old. Because she was dead old. Yeah. Imagine Nan. Imagine any dead. Nan mum.

But wasn't there enough kids that were with the Nans? No, not that many. All right. Obviously, my mum's name was Anne Rowe, and I've just got an image burned in my head of you going, mum's name was Anne Rowe And I've just got An image burned in my head Josh Of you going

No you Going Anne Rowe Anne Rowe Anne Rowe That's what we used to do Okay now Easy Absolute thunderbolts

From these guys That was meant to be in fucking everything That was nowhere near as good As the hunchback of Naughty Ash That was the high point We had toe finger Yeah Why was that?

One of his fingers was a toe. That wasn't... I think knowing teachers' first names was always dangerous weaponry. Yeah.

I remember one of my mates getting lifted out of the playground by his collar for calling Mr. Kennedy Bob Kennedy,

which was really bold because he was a grumpy fucking, I think he was one of the deputies or his head of year for some reason. And like, it was well known that he was called Bob Kennedy. And one of the lads in our year or the year above called him Bob Kennedy to his face. You're like, why do you want to die today? This is like the midnights at an old Church of England

grammar school. They were fucking old school. Our school was in that era of like, it was well after corporal punishment, but you could tell... What? It's just that you say that, it's mad. The fact that you have to tell us,

you weren't allowed to hit you. When did corporal punishment end? late 60s or early 70s but my school didn't look any different and it had some teachers that had been teaching since the 50s you could tell there was moments where they were like like Bernard Malley

Bernard Malley was our history teacher and he had like even in the 90s I knew you have knocked the fuck out of some kids in your career and when we pissed him off he was like oh you could tell he was just like i can't even hit the little bastards because you could only like 10 15 20 years before he'd been like right nightingale like i i just i didn't fuck with teachers at our school. So, you just reminded me of something I watched last night. But first of all, I want to tell you,

so we were in sixth form in our school, right? And in sixth form, he's now a teacher there, and he's dead sound. He wasn't, but he is now. Well, he was always sound to me. But, so he wasn't a teacher. He was, like, the sixth form student liaison. He was like a liaison. Like, he was meant to me. But, so he wasn't a teacher. He was like the sixth form student liaison. He was like a liaison.

Like he was meant to be sort of like a bridge between the teachers. And how old was he? He was like 30, 40. 30, he's 40. So he's basically like head of sixth form, but not a teacher. He's like a, I'll shout at you, but it doesn't actually mean anything. Yeah. Sixth form when it's attached to a school is a tricky thing for the school to get right because you go from being a pupil and do this do that blah

blah blah and then all of a sudden you can go i don't need to be here and they treat you differently oh they totally treat you differently and that but you still it's only a few months ago that you were like yeah i was in the school and the same teachers still a lot of discipline we had the exact same teachers in the sixth form as we did in school. But this guy, I can say his name, can't I? Say his first name. Why? So his name was Paul, and let's just give him the same name, Smith.

Right? Really well imagined there. No, let's call him Danny McLaughlin. Cool. Let's not make it confusing. Let's call him Paul Smith. Let's call her Sarah Millican. Go.

Not confusing. And he was always like, he was trying to sort of be one of the boys and be one of the teachers at the same time. And we just treated them as sort of like below the teachers, didn't we? Because he was. He was. And we, so we did the of like below the teachers, didn't we? Because he was. He was. So we did the Duke of Edinburgh Award in sixth form.

I've told you a couple of stories of this. We used to go kayaking every week. And he was like the chaperone. He was the one who'd come with us. He'd drive the fucking bus and he was in charge. What was his sound? I was a knobhead in sixth form. None of knobheaders in like audible. Just like i was just stupid and badly not badly behaved like what's the how do i put it

i didn't want to be there and i wasn't asked yeah i wasn't like it's annoying at six months you didn't have to be there yeah they could rightly be like do you want to fuck off then we were still meant to call him mr smith what'd along the line gone just call me Paul and then you're done we were in the changing rooms at Kayakan and we'd all been little bastards that day right we'd been like hitting each other

with the fucking sticks and stuff like tipping the fucking stupid kid into the fucking like into the Albert Dock and he was like you've been disgraced today whatever and I went and you know when someone just ataced today, whatever. And I went, and you know when it, when someone just at the end of the tether,

I went, oh, for fuck's sake, Paul. And he went, hey, that's enough. It's Mr. Smith from now on.

It was just a silence. Yeah, you just, over the room. And then about five seconds later, everyone pissed. That's what happened one it's like you've got absolutely no

he's lost it I remember when Josh wrote him off because Paul was also studying at the same time wasn't he so he was studying

to get GCSEs and we had GCSEs we were doing A levels hang on was Paul a bit like no no no

I think he was just basically going back to basics to build up to become a teacher so he's just filling in gaps from his past probably

35 and I remember he had a go at Josh once for something like not revised nor blah blah and he went you haven't even got

a fucking match she has to see your soft cunt wow I'm telling you right now if you said that to one of our teachers And we didn't have a liaison You would not be coming back to Hutton

Like you couldn't do that shit See the problem that they had In our school Is that Josh is one of our best mates To this day I've known Josh since I was four Like I went to little school with Josh as well Me, Carl, Josh, we're top set at school.

So, and there's a lot of fucking idiots in our school. So they needed us to drag the fucking grades up. And the teacher had to get called a soft cunt every now and then to keep us there. So be it. Especially if the cunt never had GCSEs. Like Paul was far more expendable than Joshosh yeah we outranked the teachers yeah tricky position to be in and it when you're like what are these little bastards but we need them yeah my favorite moment in sixth form and i was only at sixth form for four months my mum died and then i was like if you by the way if you've

never heard that i assume that everyone knows that our mums are dead but if you're new to have a word we just you've already done it once you've mentioned your mum and just gone but she's dead so if you've only just gotten to have a word you're like this guy what's going on so our mums died when we were out of alcoholism and dan's was bummed to death go on carry on she was bummed to death she was bummed to death she was bummed to death ja ja ja upset me uh so i am fucking brutal absolutely brutal i you were doing... I'm so stupid that I was like, yeah, he's going to be really on this moment.

Mine died of alcoholism. And I could have put money on you going, she died of cancer and she died. And I'd be like, yeah, thanks. I'll carry on with the story. Yours got bummed to death. How did I not see it coming? How stupid do you have to be at episode 108 going,

can't believe you did a joke there. He's so fucking crazy. It's like the worst Roald Dahl story ever. You heard about James and the Giant Peach? They've updated it and it's really weird. His parents don't die from a rhino. They get bummed to death if that's how your mum died

and you had to be told about this definitely a fucking police officer comes to your door that's gotta be a specialist that they bring in

yes sir do you think they'd be so blunt Mr Nightingale sit down sit down your ma couldn't Don't be so blunt. Mr Nightingale. Sit down. Sit down. Your ma couldn't. I'm afraid.

Go on, Adam. Just ring on the bell. I'm at home. Is it just me on my own? Yeah. Are you you? Yeah. Yeah, I'm me.

And I'm all there. 16. So I was 60. We lived in a hotel. What do you want to hot? I want, yeah. 16. So I was 60. We lived in a hotel. What do you want, a hat? I want an ass, yeah. Yeah, go on. Use the fez.

What do you want a hat for? To Turkish police. Yeah, we ran a hotel in Turkey. How brutal would it be finding out that your mum had been bummed to death from a Tommy Cooper lookalike? How'd she die? Just like that. Are they upstairs?

Answer the fucking door. We're mourning. You don't know yet. I know she's dead, yeah. Who else is dead Hello Did you see me do the door No

Sorry I know you're still getting over the death That you had yesterday It's already a confusing role play Are you okay officer I'm PC Rowe I PC Rowe Of the Istanbul police

IPD Yeah I've got some terrible news Could you sit down I am sat down Okay It's weird that you answered the door in a chair You've been crying

Is it just you in? Is your father here? No he left two years ago He left two years ago God this is a public episode He's with my step mum I've got some news for you You'll have to pass it on to

My sister Your sister in Alright Yeah It's your mum Right She's dead Oh god

Yeah Bomb to death Oh Wow Yeah Someone had a fucking right good go of her She couldn't take it No

Ripped her arse off No No I'm out I'm out Because I'm actually thinking about my mum I got into that role play Fucking PC Rowe from the Istanbul Police Department.

I know it's a lot to think about. Don't need details. Thanks. Thanks for... Good day. Cheers. That was... You need to get the fucking legs on your camel sorted.

Got a back hoof out. Thanks for that. You do look like, you do look a bit like Tommy Cooper. How do we not just leave it just like that? It was definitely the punchline. And then we're stupid enough to go, no, let's do the role play.

And literally everyone involved in watching was like, I didn't need to do the role play. Just like that. That's fucking genius. Just like that. That's fucking genius. Let's have a little break, Harry. I can't follow my mum being bummed to death.

What's happening, lads? Do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world? We'll be right back. from tennis to ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now, and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets. You want to be winning your bets.

bettinggods.com. They're going to help you do that. Do you know what I did on the way here? Drove. Did? Yeah. Went Drove. Did? Yeah. Went to Starbucks. What?

And I paid for the coffee of the car behind me. Shut up. I did, yeah. Just to be sound. Right? And... Why? That's nice, I like that.

Because I was like... It's a random act of kindness. Random act of kindness that I'm hoping brings me like millions of pounds do you mean like what you think jeff bezos is is in the i just believe in a sort of level of karma so if i've done that it's meant to come back to you in bucket loads in it so that was like eight quid so i must have grands on the way so you did a random act of kindness hoping that that you were going to basically get rich off it. Yeah. So great.

Your act of generosity is really just you playing the long game. What actually happened was I pulled up a pay for mine and I was waiting. And then I thought, because I've heard of people doing that before. It's been the last few weeks, hasn't it? Like people be going, just do a random act of kindness. I haven't heard of it recently. Oh yeah, it's been knocking around recently, hasn't it like people be going just do a random act of kindness I haven't heard of it recently Oh yeah it's been it's been knocking around

recently hasn't it random acts of kindness I've just heard in the past of people literally going and paying for the like I'm talking like a couple of years since I've heard about it

like someone just paying for the car behind them Rogan drops a grand as a tip doesn't he Does he On waiters and waitresses Mr Beast

If they've served him well he just what do they call it when he just like like godfather tips on waiters and waitresses. Mr. Beast. If they've served him well, he just, wow, what do they call it when he just like, like godfather tips where just, they leave,

they don't realise until he's gone but on the way out he goes, put that on my credit card for our server at table 33 or whatever.

And he just drops a grand. Do you know what I mean? Because he's making, what does his production company make? It's something like, someone told me Rogan per episode is about 80, 90 grand.

Oh, it's more than that. In advertising. It certainly was when it was on YouTube and stuff. Right. Because we know, we know what I've there to make. Because we get the industry standards. Well, a few years ago,

someone quoted me 80 or 90 grand an episode and he was doing three a week so joe rogan experience makes 800 000 per episode at three episodes per week which makes him 9.6 million dollars per month hang on is that including a spotify deal no this was from 8th of january 2021 now isn't it so there's no advert on it as of january which is when he moved over, or December, it now makes 800 grand an episode. Right, so that's the Spotify deal. Yeah.

I'm talking about pre-Spotify deal. So what they've done is, they must have cut up the amount, divided the amount of episodes by his exclusivity deal then. How much do they pay Jamie? That's interesting. According to reports, Jamie earns 150 000 a year wow carl what a deal that is joe rogan got a hundred million pound exclusivity deal and jamie gets 300 grand a year 150. no sorry he'll so he'll get 450 grand over the course of that deal. Yeah. You're making bank, mate.

Oh, yeah. If we're ratioing, I'm doing good. Yeah, we need to have a little look at that fucking contract. Oh, my God. I think by the Joe, I think we owe you 22 pounds for six months work. So I did it. But a thousand, how cool would it be to be at that level where you're like. A grand. I would do shit like that, though. I did it. But a thousand, how cool would it be to be at that level where you're like. A grand.

I would do shit like that though. Like I really would. Not to homeless people though. Yeah. We buy the homeless one by us in the garage. We buy him stuff all the time. We've had this conversation. I don't know if we did it on a patron exclusive.

You give a grand to a dude on the street. You are rolling the dice of whether they're going to see the next morning or whether they're just going to be like, woo, they're going to turn Rochdale city, town centre into fucking Vegas. Yeah, totally.

But, I, it is what happened though, because I was waiting for my drink and I had the idea, and I was like, maybe we should pay for their thing. And then I was like,

what if they've ordered loads? Trying to weigh up. Family of four. Not to fucking judge. Right. It was like, what if they've ordered loads? Trying to weigh up. Family of four. It was two people. It was a youngish lad, I'd say like late 20s, early 30s, and his mum, or his older lover.

Either he's into cougar pussy, or it's his ma. One of the two. Did you get out the car and have a look? I mean, you can't use two cat analogies in one cougar pussy. There's too many felines in that. Like, this cat's really into cougar pussy.

Meow. But then I heard the woman who was serving me say what they'd ordered. So they'd ordered two large lattes and i'd like to think if they knew i was paying they'd have gone with medium yeah do you mean but they didn't know so i just yeah i paid for two large skinny lattes and then as i was leaving how much they beeped me it was like seven or eight quid did you get out the car just to stand around for a minute no i just got off did you yeah i just went off into the world I heard them beat me as well and I didn't look at them I was like

I didn't do it for that I did it for karma future money yeah you don't you didn't do it for the recognition

no stand up comedian podcaster Adam Rowe I didn't do it for the you've just told tens of thousands of people as well

oh yeah I just keep it private just for me and the 28 29,000 people they don't call me Rowe bags for nothing funny thousands of people as well I'll just keep it private just for me and the 28 29,000 people they don't call me for nothing

funny beep beep beep I wanted a caramel shortbread that's really nice yeah the woman cried a bit the woman who was

serving me she had a little cry she was like that's really really got to me that's nice and I was like don't make me feel

no because she was just like Joe Rogan had tipped me. Never mind these cunts. Should have bought Air One as well. You're right. Who would you love to drop? Three years down the line, we've been signed up by Spotify.

We're sponsored by Heron Foods. We're going places. You know what I mean? Where the fuck did Heron Foods come from, mate? I don't know. I'm just being a dick. And you're in the position to drop £1, pound Godfather tips.

Where would you like to do that? Pizza. Bars. Maybe. But I always think barman. I was a barman. A barman. And I was basically there to just have a fucking laugh,

get drunk for free, and try and tap onto the fucking bar staff. Barbacks. No, I'd do barman as well. Oh yeah, the 38 year old that's special. Oh no, no, no.

I mean like, it's a 17 year old barback kid who's probably like fucking shitting himself. I'd be like, yeah kid, buy yourself a new pair of webs there. Because that's the hardest part.

I want to know the, I want to know the tip policy of the establishment I'm doing it in as well. Oh no, I'll make sure you didn't tell no one because you split your tip if it's a big one.

Because I fucking hate a place that makes people split their tips I used to hate working in them anyway do you know what I mean because there's two different types

look we put all the tips together and it gets divided by how many hours everyone gets the same nope my absolute least favourite are the companies that

and this has been highlighted several times on it where restaurants can go that money's comes to the restaurant they stick they that happens a lot yeah it's so immoral i don't tip if that's the like i when i'm about to tip someone especially if like i've been saved well and i'm going to give them a decent one i will always say do you get the tip yeah especially now it goes i just don't don't give to me. It's a weird thing because in America, you'd never split tips because they work on a tip culture. And the level of customer service over there is so good.

Even in like Denny's, which is the, like that's the American equivalent to like Little Chef. But you get the most amazing customer service because they're like, if I'm shit hot, you'll give me $10. And if I'm serving within an hour, four tables who pay out or five, that's potentially $50 an hour. Like they can live off it, can't they? Over here, there's not as much of a tipping culture. And I, having worked in a few kitchens and everything, I've been in, I was young, so it wasn't like I had a say, but I worked in one

restaurant where they split the tips and the waitresses always bitched about it particularly one who was objectively fit as fuck and good at it but the the staff in the kitchen got a split of the tips yeah because you never get tipped in the kitchen you never even get complimented there's a policy for that though that is yeah so we we were our first bar job was, we spoke about this before in a place called Zeligs of Little Italy and it was where the beer

calendar pool is now. And initially I was a glass collector. I ended up on the bar, got called my glass collector job and then when someone else left the bar. Worked your way up, regional manager, CEO.

Essentially, yeah. I run the place now. And it's not doing very well. I have not been concentrating. So there was the downstairs bar there, which was where people went before they went up to the restaurant, which was upstairs. And also when they'd come after the day,

I'd sit in suites as well sometimes. And then upstairs there was the restaurant and there was a service bar. So the waitresses' tips. The waitresses' tips. The waitress' eye. The waitress' eye. Yeah.

They got 70% of the restaurant tips, the waitress. And 10% went to the managers, 10% went to the kitchen, and 10% went to the service bar. Okay. Yeah, all right. That's not that abnormal. Whoever's thought about that, that is quite well thought out.

10% is not a lot, is it? The managers, 10%. Yeah, I see it. Now it's usually per server. So each server will tip out 10 percent they'll be like six servers so like the bar is actually getting six ten percent yeah do you know what i mean yeah yeah um and then the downstairs bar was just a bar so you had like four bartenders on it and maybe two barbacks and glass collectors they had to do both jobs and

all the bartenders would keep their own tip jar but they 20 of that would go to the barbacks so when i worked in hartley's in preston which was the bar job i fucking loved we had a communal tips jar because i think there'd been problems with money going missing and all of that like it does if you've got six or seven people on a bar because they always put them in it's a half glass in it yeah it's a half glass and that's your tips i think they'd had murders before so what they did they had um i don't know if it was a pint glass you know but they had just had a communal tips and we didn't have any bar backs. We just all took turns to do the glasses.

So the manager, Andy, would at some point go, you know, like Amanda go and do the glasses or Dan go and do the glasses. And there was six or seven of us and I never heard any bitch in there because he was the manager and if he got tipped, he put it in and we all just split the tips. And it was just, it was a smaller bar though. that was a place where you only had seven or eight staff when you're

at a restaurant and there's upstairs downstairs and then there's kitchen staff and then the servers like i can see that it gets a little bit but but you want wait waiters and waitresses who are dealing with customer services to be shit hot don't you so if you own a comedy club restaurant or whatever you want people to be like, well, I'm not working at Zellig's. I want to work at, you know, Rohingale's, the comedy club down the way, because they're fucking great.

They let you keep the tips. So you end up with those really good customer service people. It's a hard balance to get right. Competitive tips are good. It made us really healthily competitive on the bar for when people were coming in. So you'd get like a group of people come in

or like three groups of people and every bartender would immediately stand to attend. You're like, mate, you wanted to serve people. When you're communal tips, if a group of people come in and there's three on the bar, you do it, lad. Can't be arsed. There's no incentive.

Yeah. I mean, there should be an incentive. There should be a manager going, do your fucking job. That only be arsed. There's no incentive. Yeah. I mean, there should be an incentive. There should be a manager going, do your fucking job. That only works, though, if there's a bar back. Because otherwise everyone's just saving people and not cleaning. But there should be a bar back as well.

Yeah. The bartender should be the... If I ran a bar, and if I ran a bar, I'd sort of try and make it as close to what Zellig's was as I could. Each bartender has a bar back Or you have one between two ears

Yeah, depending on how busy it is really When I worked in Emilio's The little Italian restaurant near the railway station in Preston Which was one of my first jobs out of college I was a KP Just helping out in the kitchen And a woman came in To congratulate the chefs

for a good meal or whatever, which wasn't really allowed, but she was sort of a regular. She was just one of them like racy Tracy sort of ladies, like late forties, early fifties, but a little bit of boob out, like fucking stinking of perfume, bit of jewelry,

clearly had a tan. And this is like February in Preston. So she's obviously been, right, okay. Came in, saw me. And then that was me at like 17, all dead cute. And she ended up giving me a £20 ticket. She was like, oh, you, look at you, doing really well.

Great. And I've got Giovanni and Diego, the chefs who are fucking brutal. She was like, Giovanni, Diego. Do you know what Giovanni's nickname was? Java the Bastard. Mate, you know that kitchen's nails. He once kicked the fuck out of me because he dropped something.

He dropped something and he went, ah, bang, bang. I was like, what am I getting it for? Shut up. She came in and gave me a 20 quid tip. She was like, look at you doing it. How old are you, love? I went, 15. Here, this is for you.

I was going to tip there, but you've done, you deserve it. She was like, take that. So then someone from the back has gone in the front and gone, fucking little Donnie's just got 20 quid tip. And all the waitresses are like. And I tell you what, Java the bastard was quality. He went, he just literally, he goes, come here. Put it in your fucking pocket.

Keep it. she gave it you keep it and then all of them came in going you you you put it in that in tips

that should be shared with everyone because this is 20 quid in like 1997 you could get like a two bedroom flat with that and like and I

this is what I remember I still remember going yeah I'll put it in the shared tips. She avoided the bastard and was like, you're a fucking idiot. I was like, yeah. And I was.

Should have just fucking kept it. Balls to them. Could have owned property. Do you know what the actual law is? What? With tips. So, this is true. Do you want...

If a tip... Oh, damn! If a tip is given across the bar the establishment can set the policy if it's put in your hand like in front of the bar it's yours to do whatever you want with

what's the law if they come in the kitchen and they're a bit pissed and they like squeeze me a bit too much it's one of those old convoluted laws that no one really enforces law if they come in the kitchen and they're a bit pissed and they like squeeze me a bit too much. It's one of those old convoluted laws that no one really enforces but that is the law. So if you're on like the restaurant floor and someone goes here's 20 quid the manager can't make you put that in the communal thing. I mean he could. He was

called Mario and he was scary as fuck. Why do these all sound like Nintendo characters? Java the bastard. Mario. Why do in an Italian restaurant, Italian owned, the names of the owners and staff sound like the Italian characters

from Super Mario? I'll tell you, because they're Italian, Adam, you absolute bell and pot. Why do these, they call it an Italian restaurant. Emilio was the owner, his son was Mario.

I worked in a Japanese restaurant for four years. I'm not messing. The head chef was called Barry. That's not a lie. That's not a lie. Genuinely. Now, I can't remember. I can't remember the lad who worked on the floor,

what he was called. But he must have been only about 23. But when I was 17, he looked 35. And he had a Motorola flip phone do you know when mobiles had just come out he was cool as fuck and he

taught him from Preston taught him like that proper taught him like that from Preston from just uptown right and as soon as he started

serving he learnt a little bit of Italian and he served everyone he learnt a little bit of Italian or he served everyone he learned a little bit A few words to make them to a day me Leo's Yeah, he learned a few words to just do he basically did the accent and it was perfectly put across

fucking weird We didn't do Japanese accent. not do the Japanese accent no yeah you imagine a lad called Barry Hawakawa with a fucking stained Everton top on we didn't have we didn't have a single Japanese staff in there and none of the managers

chefs cultural appropriation you're having the scram but you won't employ them bad not bad one of the best restaurants in the city though yeah again we're back to the whole You're having the scram, but you won't employ them. Bad. Not bad. One of the best restaurants in the city, though.

Yeah. Again, we're back to the whole, there's not a lot of Japanese. Italian staff working in Italian restaurants is definitely a thing, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. There's not a lot of Japanese people here because they're all in prison.

Because they come over here and they break our laws. Right. You didn't know where you were going with that when you started. I did. What's the most common law? They've started very good businesses with worn knickers. Yeah. There was worn knickers vending machines in Tokyo.

Yes. That has become well known over here, hasn't it? As like an urban legend. That British thing, it makes it feel like in Japan, everyone's like, okay, I want a bag of hula hoops or I'll have a Mars bar and some dirty knickers yeah

that's lunchtime and there was also a prostitute vending machine that I've mentioned before yeah you get a there's a there's a

it was in a prostitute vending machine in Akihabara there was like a little it's massive just a slide Japanese hooker When you're trying to bang him

She's stuck on one of them It's like celebrity squares Excuse me My prostitute's stuck E7 I paid it But yeah Just trying to reach up

There's loads of Japanese people In British prisons isn't there It's like the fourth highest Nationality You're just a silly man Talking bullshit I'm not That Reach up. There's loads of Japanese people in British prisons, isn't there? It's like the fourth highest nationality. You're just a silly man talking bullshit. I'm not. That is not true. There is not.

You're not the fourth. Where have you got this from? You've just made it up. I swear to God, I haven't. No. Jamie, pull that up. 150 grand a year. So it's British.

Number one. You're talking... I'm going to hurt myself. Go on. British. Right. American. No.

Canadian. Japanese. What are you even on about? Not French or Irish. Ah, you're fucked on Irish. Irish is... Irish number five. Oh, yeah. There Oh yeah So I can't

No don't break up my bell Your Japanese accent is so bad Welcome to The restaurant You're saying this is bad My name is Abari I am from A club of more

Europe's the most Represented Than Africa Okay We're not doing continents We want individual nations please There isn't one unfortunately Europe's the most represented than Africa We're not doing continents, we want individual nations There isn't one unfortunately Asia is the 5th most represented 4th most represented Oceania, 29, there's only 29

Australians New Zealanders Because we sent all the fucking criminals back over there Oh yeah, hang on Wow That's interesting, so I've actually got a nationality Because we sent all the fucking criminals back over there. Oh, yeah. Hang on. Wow. That's interesting. So I've actually got a nationality.

Number one is Japan. It's not. Is it number four, though? One, two, three, four. No. Number one. Can you guess it? No, it's not British.

So it's not British. Right, so it's not British. You know this. Why? Why does he know it? You know this. Russian? No. Do you know the one you always mention?

China? No. The one you mention about the mafia constantly. Really? Albanian? Albanian, number one. 999 prisoners. In the UK?

Yeah. Albania? Albanian. Yeah the UK? Yeah. Albania. Albanian. So you know that Albanian coke thing? I'm absolutely not having that. That is fucking nonsense. Right, so shelve the bullshit. That Japan thing was nonsense, wasn't it? Yeah.

Right. So, but who do you think genuinely is above Albania? A lot. Albania is number one in the UK. Ireland will be above that. It's not. Ireland is number one in the UK. Ireland will be above that. It's not. Ireland is number four. What's the top five?

Number one. By the way, Ireland, we don't think. Sorry, guys. It's just because they're close. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like top of the pops. Who's the most criminally? Number five.

I mean, it's not like the Scandinavian have got a foot. Like, you never heard anyone go, you've got to watch out for the Norwegian mafia. They're a fucking nightmare. This is very interesting. Number one, Albania. Number two, Poland. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to watch out for the Norwegian mafia. They're a fucking nightmare. This is very interesting. Number one, Albania. Number two, Poland. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Then Romania, maybe. Number three, Romania. I love that. Number four. This is borderline EDL fucking. They come over here. Number five.

Number four, where? Ireland. Right. Number five, Jamaica. Are there Jamaicans in there? Why are they in prison, though? Are they in prison because they're seeking asylum? It doesn't say.

No, no. That's not prison. That's not prison. If you're seeking asylum, you're not in prison. Right. Do we not just put them in there while we check? No, but they would not be classed as convicted, would they? No.

And then we go down from there. So what are Albanians up to? Cocaine. Cocaine. I'm not even joking. I know it sounds like I'm being an absolute narner about the Albanian. But the Albanians have got major organized crime links, haven't they? Are you telling me that more Albanians are getting caught doing coke in the UK

than British people because that's this is foreign obviously obviously British people this is internationals the UK

isn't like 19th on the UK the fuck Jesus Christ there's no British people in British prisons we must be dead good it's full of fucking

Albanians after Jamaica you've got lithuania then you've got somalians somalians yeah they're the pirates not in the fucking mersey oh yeah yeah yeah because they've been caught oh yeah yeah that's why you never see them we catch them too quick next one pakistani do you know somalian pirates well well dodged do you know somalian pirates i do i know those right you know Somalian pirates? I do, I know loads. Right. I know a couple.

When it's not like, oh my God, Albania, Pakistani. Good, let's go back to Albania. Like, do they sort of, you know their ships? Yep. Do they make it apparent that they are pirate ships? Yeah, because...

Like skull and crossbones and that. Do Somalian pirates dress up like pirates? Are there East African dudes with an eyepatch and a parrot? Arr! An American oil tanker they've all got rum old fashions as well usually is that not what it is though no it's just very very poor somalian fishermen they've all got like yeah they're all dinghies or fishing boats like they're quite clearly they are see if i knew if people knew that i think they'd be less

scared oh they still got ak-47s though have i think if you want to see if you want to see some brutal youtube uh the american uh the the oil ships but they there's also like the american navy is so colossal it's frightening and they just take YouTube videos of them shooting Somalian pirates. If they go anywhere near, if they're like, we don't know who you are and you're not responding. If you go within like a fucking mile of one of these oil tankers, they're like, okay, Baz, get the machine gun. And they just show the video like, yeah, killed them.

Oh, look, they exploded. And it's the weirdest thing where you'd be like, they're like, yeah yeah of course we recorded the Somalian pirates they deserve to die in their shit boat one of them

they've got a crocodile on it and it's got a alarm clock inside and it ticks oh yeah that's the bad one you've got to watch

for that one seen that one famous what's that one Peter Pan come on lad Captain Oki is soft conned

that's a I don't get that. Crocodile. I was at your own uni, like, why have to do that? I know. This is the person that five minutes ago was like, Japan are the fourth most represented person in UK prisons. Total bullshit.

Yeah, crocodile and a ticking alarm clock. Hey, that's weird. Yeah. So we've got some questions. Come on guys How long are we recording for? I know, I know We've got the special guest coming in haven't we So we've got to fucking hurry up

Somalian Pirates Do you want to start? Do I want to start? If you've never seen the South Park Somalian Pirate episode, please go and find it. It's one of the funniest episodes of South Park, and that is saying something because they have knocked out some classic. Well, I'm just wondering, like,

if I wanted to go as a pirate for Halloween this year, but I wanted to make it authentic, how would I dress as a Somalian one? I'd make better choices than that, homeboy. I think that's a Patreon episode when we show you as a

Somalian pirate 2002 England shirt yeah a knock off yeah a knock off Chelsea kit from season 16-17

yeah that's the Riverness to Roy United top do you want to start sure yeah we're going to do 17, yeah, that's the... River, Mr. Roy, United top. Do you want to start? Sure. Yeah. We're going to do a little bit of question tennis. We're changing it up just to, you know, keep it exciting.

Who would play you and the other main characters in the movie of your life? Be realistic. John Malkovich. Oh, wow, that was quick. I just thought of a ball. Do you play everyone? Okay, the movie. John Malkovich. Oh, wow. That was quick. I just thought of a ball. Does he play everyone? Like Eddie Murphy? John Malkovich playing Etta and Lorna.

I'd love to see. Like a method actor. John Malkovich trying to get in the role of a four-year-old from Cheshire. So, yeah, why John Malkovich? No, I just thought of a bald guy. Oh. I'd go Denzel Washington, me. Yeah?

That'd be good for your Somalian pirate party. Canceled. Yeah, I'd go Denzel Washington for me. cancelled yeah I'd go Denzel Washington for me is he growing up in Dovey? what? he's growing up in Dovey yeah yeah oh young me

there's got to be a young me as well hasn't there? yeah yeah because he's a 59 year old black guy from America so obviously already 29 year old Adam Rose and Reach. And remember continuity is important. So you grow up

to be a black cool guy. You gotta yeah there's makeup and that though isn't there in like CGI. So the kid. I wonder if you know the whole PC culture would you know white chicks

would that stand up now 10 15 years later but black chicks wouldn't do you know what I mean if there was two white

detectives dressing up as black I mean that yeah but are black people allowed to white up I don't think me and you

are going to get to do what the female ghostbusters did and become two black female cops. Fucking hell, shitty crow, we've got to go get your back, guys. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale in their first ever last film.

Robert Downey Jr. was on Joe Rogan talking about that. Yeah, Tropic Thunder. And Robert Downey Jr. was like, yes, it should still be made because that one's a bit like on the line isn't it that

it's it's difficult with Tropic Thunder because they knew what they were doing that's why he said it still should be a thing it's 10 years old that film

they knew that Blacking Up was totally wrong then but it's that's why it's funny because within the film that guy is so mental that he genuinely became in his head he became a black guy didn't he like it's it it's you can't that's a that's almost like ironic isn't it that is part of the parody like when was the last time someone actually blacked up? I mean, White Chicks is the last time someone whited up. Yeah.

Is it white up or do you white down? Surely if you black up, you've got to come back down. Surely that's... There's some territory there. On your own on this one, Kik. I'd say across. No, isn't it like... You white a class.

You black up. Adam, get your phone notes out. Pop that one in. Gigs are coming back. You'll need a closer. I'd say a cross no isn't it like you're white you black up Adam you white down get your phone notes out pop that one in gigs are coming back you'll need a closer you white down I can see your colour chart

you're white across but no that's no erm yeah I always think that do you know like when we talk about like

and I don't want to talk too much about it because we've talked about it a thousand times and it does get boring like when people get get upset by a comedian referencing something or you can't joke about that or whatever,

I don't know why comedy gets put under that scrutiny. Because if I do a joke about homophobia or the talks about something like that, then people go, oh, you're a straight man, you can't talk about that. But if a straight man writes a drama series where someone's getting called...

You're one of the names that you can't say in a podcast. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, yeah. That's okay entertainment because it's been dramatised rather than humanised. Because it's an account

of something real. But it isn't always done. Yeah, but it's been depicted as part of the drama of like, this actually happened, so we are showing it. That's in terms of like racism, like sexism, like domestic violence. Like this is a reflection and it's artistic. Then if within stand-up, you stray into those conversations,

is it just because it looks like spoken word? It looks like you're doing a TED Talk. Like can people just not detach looks like spoken word it looks like you're doing a TED talk like can people just not detach from like stand-up's not a

proper performance if it's a play that's obviously the theatre these are characters and it's being depicted for drama's sake

and if you're just talking about it you're like are you just telling me things like do you know what I mean but it is bollocks

I mean like it's bollocks but this it's an explanation without being a reason that is an explanation without being a reason oh that is an explanation without being a reason but i but i'm this is where you and i've differed in the past a little bit i think sometimes comedians try and veil themselves in this invincibility of like it was a joke oh yeah i was joking yeah and at some point you have to be accountable

to some of the bullshit you say if you get stuff wrong if you misjudge it and also who decides what is a comedian because there's loads of comedians who say things and they're way past the line like Chappelle is almost beyond reproach

isn't he? because everyone's like yeah Chappelle's great but then if a lesser comedian did the same joke everyone'd be like oh i don't don't really enjoy that like yeah it's weird how you then decide if you love the comedian or not if you respect the comedian or to almost like that becomes a gauge of what you'll allow them to say um but yeah film is it's almost like it's a different realm of thing completely like oh you can just

account what you want yeah so John Malkovich yeah yeah John Malkovich who would you pick out for me yeah

in the film in my film who's playing you who's playing me yeah Dawn French Dawn French yeah

yeah yeah let's make it Dawn French. Dawn French? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, let's make it Dawn French. Why not? Why not? Is that you? Dan's always playing me. Now he wants Dawn French to play him. I think Dawn French has been a dick.

I think he could be played by Moby in my one. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's well known for his theatrical roles isn't he who would you pick for me then if I can I have Ross Kemp yeah he's hard isn't he

if I can't be done in French who would you pick Joe Pasquale Joe Pasquale Joe Pasquale Denzel Washington and Moby in the same film sounds good I would love to sit down for that script reading let's have a would you rather Squally. Joe Pasquale, Denzel Washington and Moby in the same film.

Sounds good. I would love to sit down for that script reading. Let's have a would you rather from Jordan. Would you rather wake up fully deaf or fully mute? You do not know sign language or have any warning

this is coming. You literally wake up tomorrow and it's happened. Deaf. Would you rather wake up fully deaf or fully mute? Deaf. I don't really listen to you anyway.

I just want to be able to say things right it won't affect the podcast at all if i can't hear you you know he's joking but there's about 30 of him's like yeah it's kind of right though i'll wait for your lips to stop moving and then i'll just say what i was going to say anyway which is what happens anyway it's really depressing that this is my because there's no gigs and I know I do show me the sample but it's not the same that is kind of true and this is my whole artistic existence

it's just looking over at him and like lad do you remember Zalegs she's waiting for me to stop talking so we can do memory lane with Carl lad do you remember Kenny got shot twice in the head in Zellig's bar back

Kenny Machies no no let's not call him that let's call him Russell Kane fully mute do you know if you didn't do

podcast or comedy you'd take mute wouldn't you if you didn't do podcast or comedy you'd take mute wouldn't you because you basically can hear you can enjoy every facet of life

apart from talking you can still communicate what you want you can be just like oh shit I've just got to order something

at my home you know just take a speaking spell everywhere just draw whatever you want if you're amused don't you pump them but wow i mean that had worked really well in a night club wouldn't it like this guy just girls he's a great dancer he's bought me a drink and he's such a good listener thinking about going back to to his, I'm just waiting for him to make a move.

All of a sudden he gets out a crayon and a piece of paper. The line. I don't know what you mean, love. What is it? And he writes, pum pum, question mark. Heard it when he didn't get the crayon out. I probably could be a good dancer if I didn't talk so much. Give me more time to concentrate on it.

I don't think you're a good dancer. I'm not, but I could be. Guys, I know we keep talking about post-rona, and I know we talk about gigs and everything. Can't wait to go on a night out with you guys. I just want to see Adam dance. We don't really. When we've about gigs and everything. Can't wait to go on a night out with you guys. I just want to see Adam dance. We don't really. When we've had a bevy.

A little two-step, innit? This is home. You're not a great dancer, either, are you? I've had a bevy. I don't care. I'm a two-stepper. Yeah, just stay in me square. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to try too hard with dancing as well, I don't care. I'm a two-stepper. Yeah, just stay in me square. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't want to try too hard with dancing as well, do you? No. Are you a dancer or a two-stepper? I reckon dancers. I can... Like a bitch. I can throw a few. It's slowing down. There's less range of movement as I get fatter,

but yeah, I do sometimes... Are you tops off if you've had drugs? No! Never in my life! No. I had you down as a tops off, you know? Oh, yeah. And a barbecue.

Oh. I could see you in a nightclub just like having a pill or like having a client and just being like, Woo-hoo! Fuck off. Just a small town boy! In a gay club for the first time. If you ever do Do that Just do us a favour

Scallies Have a word Yeah yeah yeah Just so people can Just so when they take The picture of the dead body Outside a nightclub in Manchester It gets us a bit of publicity

No I'm not But I do like a bit of a dance I'm just I have just a big flirt On the dance floor That's what I do I have a laugh And I have a bit of a flirt

Yeah What's your flirty dance move? No flirty dance move I just have a bit of crap Do I what's your flirty dance move there's no flirty dance move I just have a bit of crap do I do the lasso yeah no

fishing rod what kind of banter have you seen in like lacrosse these are classics you said you flirt with dance moves I wanna know

that's why I'm just trying to describe what I mime on the dance floor yeah yeah I do the gaffer tape I mime gaffer tape and I mime gaffer tape. Hog tape. And I write,

pum pum question mark and show it around like. I write, would you rathers and like show them on the dance floor. Would you rather? Yeah. I think because of podcasting and comedy, I go deaf,

but it, you know, your speech goes when you go deaf sometimes. I reckon we're old enough though that we'll remember how to talk yeah

you know what I mean you hope so yeah just like don't do it like that because you know you don't talk like that but you can't hear yourself

it's not how it works mate doesn't matter I reckon they're just doing that for attention I struggle to speak into this microphone without the headphones

have you got one? yeah would you rather only be able to lie three times per week or never be able to tell the truth? so it's only like three times a week or you've got to lie all the time oh you couldn't you couldn't

I don't know parenting and not being able to lie would be fucking horrific because the amount of shit that Etta gets told, like, why can't I have batteries and that? We don't have batteries. They're literally in the drawer. I just don't want to give you batteries. They're expensive.

Go and fucking draw something. Tell me what you want. Yeah. Sugar poofs. I don't know why she's from Newcastle I want sugar poofs daddy daddy can I borrow

a piece of paper from you why does it say boom boom have you been at a nightclub I want sugar poofs Eto

why are you talking like that I don't know I've gone deaf I'm almost sure this is how I spoke before I went deaf imagine if when you went there you just you you couldn't remember how you spoke and you just gradually like i was like uh you are going to have to use sign language

hello my name is adam rowe i have been clinically deaf for 18 months, but it has not affected my speech at all. I'd rather speak like that than like, brummie. Right. Fair one. Are you saying you'd only be able to like, never be able to sell a shoe? I've got one. I've got one that links in from what you just said. You just, how can you not like, again, we've talked.

You still get three a week. You just have to ration them. Yeah. Okay, I'll go three a week. Yeah. If you can't lie in life, it's so ridiculous. Like, you want to be an honest person, and I think I am, but like the amount of lying you just do to have a functional, normal day. Yeah.

Like. We couldn't do this podcast if I couldn't lie. Your relationship with the truth is just unbelievable. I don't even think you think. You don't think you're lying. It's just part of your, like. Like, if you pass two cars on the motorway, you're like, I passed 70 cars on the motorway.

It's just how Adam sees it. I've loads of emails how many have you got you got 43 but in his head he's like i got two and a half thousand emails um no i yeah 6277 yeah yeah it's just that's how it goes but um it is part of being a good human is lying a little bit yeah because who needs to be honest all the time? You're just that weird fucker on the spectrum that can't be diplomatic. I just want you to know I respect you. Oh, he's a good little... Is that a truth or a lie?

Liar lids. This is from Dan Johnson. Danny G. Dan Johnson Danny J Dan Johnson sends in an email a day now he was on fire the other day and I'll be honest he isn't a Hall of Famer and he has been for a long time but my god the quality

of his questions there'll be one duffer for six usable questions just as proof of it I went through my favourite prep this morning and pulled out three questions and then didn't even realise I'd put three Dan Johnson questions in

and they found this like well why don't you read other questions because you're not children you don't get a turn it's about whose is the best questions Dan Johnson's

fucking nailing it I love how Dan just got really pissed off with something that no one said yeah yeah hey stop moaning, all right? Fucking sick of you jabbering on.

I'm reading Dan's questions and you can just sit and wait. He says, Eyelids, do you own anything cool that's signed by someone? Or if you don't, what would your dream item of signed memorabilia be?

Please don't answer something that's just based on value of the resale. I mean based on how much you'd be happy with it if you owned it. So do you own... Look at Finn, a Doctor Who fan, nodding away. Oh, yes, actually. David Tennant signed my left testicle. Put a scarf round it and touched me. But he was the doctor.

Have you got anything signed? No, but to answer that question, it wouldn't be Dr. Who. It'd be John Lennon, 100%. Would it? That'd be mine, yeah. I think that's priceless for me. I've only got one tattoo and it's the Beatles. I'm just mad about it.

That's fucking mad. I didn't know that. Oh, I didn't. Were they a band? I think so. I know they mad about it. That's fucking mad. I didn't know that. Oh, I didn't. Were they a band? I think so. I know they were a band. One of your lies. One of your lies.

Carl? What would I have? Yeah. I'd have the keg from the episode Dressers, Dressers, Dressers on Two Points of Lager and I'd get Will Mellor

and Ralph Little to sign it. I'd like that. Oh, that'd be... Yeah, that'd be cool. From your favourite TV show? Our favourite TV show.

From our favourite show. And yeah. Or I'd have Joey's Fridge from Friends signed. Yeah that would

be real. Do you actually own anything signed? That Bill Bear poster behind me in the studio is signed.

Yeah that's the one. Nice. We've got a signed picture of Kevin Webster, a signed picture of Mother Teresa. Macho Man Randy Savage is absolutely not a real picture. I've got a signed pair of goalie gloves by John Fashney. I'm sure that's worth a lot. He wasn't a goalkeeper.

I know, but I just had some goalie gloves on me. You just had some goalie gloves on you? I had some goalie gloves on me. I was like, it's football. It's related. You're not not going to get his signature? No, no. Can't turn that down.

Neil Fairbrother signed my face. He's a Lancashire cricketer, and I didn't have anything for him to sign. I was about 13 at the time, just going through puberty, had spots, gave him a pen, and he could have been nice about it and be like, mate mate I'm not signing

your face and he really went for it and it fucking hurt I've got nothing I don't think I've got anything signed I've got a piece of paper from the day after Rooney

scored that goal against Arsenal do you know the goal when he was 16 he was 16 and he went into a fucking looping my brother's wife

works in a hospital where he went to get medicals or whatever. She was like, oh, my brother-in-law's an Everton fan, so it says, two Carl Best wishes, Wayne Rooney. What that?

That's quite cool. Yeah. Before he was famous. I don't really like... I understand the sign and thing, but I don't really care about it. It's old, isn't it? It's an old thing now.

That poster, I'd still, just as much if Bill Baird, I't put a squiggle on it and also the squiggles not it the squiggle like you supported him is the special thing isn't it yeah squiggles just then people have to get a photograph to prove that something's been signed for authentication the authentication you have to be like here's here's the poster there's signature, and here's this to certify that it is real. I'm like, just get a fucking picture. Then again, I suppose they sell that on, don't they?

Old school, that was what you did. If you saw a celebrity, you're like, oh, can I have your autograph? If you get famous now, God, you'd miss those days. When the 25th person in your day goes, can I have a selfie? and you've just gone for a fucking loaf of bread and you feel like shit yeah like no wonder celebrities become recluses i can just go i'm not going out i'm gonna get someone to be my personal assistant and just go

and do shopping for me because they just don't want to deal with people back in the day like we're just writing a signature if you felt like shit like who cares it's like the selfie thing's annoying it is not for me i'm not fucking famous i imagine if you're a superstar i've seen it happen to paul smith a lot like if we've mentioned this before if me and carl go on a night out or certainly before you went away when we were going out well at all it's once an hour every two hours someone will stop me and whatever and it starts doing your head in a bit because we're just trying to have a nice house. I'm always as polite as possible. Paul Smith, it's every five yards.

Yeah. Especially on a night out because that's his clientele as well. Coming out of hot water, he has to go through the fire exit. Yeah. And if one person catches him, he's so kind and he starts doing it.

And I don't even say bye, Paul. I usually be like, all right, see you part there. Nice one. Just leave it. I'm out. I like doing it and i don't even say bye paul i usually be like all right see you part there no i just want to just leave it i'm out i like doing it yeah but every night every time yeah 10 15 people you have to sort of remember that like you know the reason his bank account looks the way it does is because of those people don't get me wrong i if you're outside where you do your thing that you're famous for and you're a wealthy celebrity, that's par for the course.

I just think at fucking quarter past seven, middle of winter when you've nipped the co-op. Oh, God, can you imagine? Oh, don't get me wrong. I think people have to sometimes just accept the fact that they're going to be told no. Do you know what I mean? I've just seen some of so

yeah don't be that cunt yeah like if yeah if you're coming out of hot water or a theater you've just done a show in or if you're on a night out with your friends and someone stops you and goes can i have a picture you're on a night out if you're of public interest at all i'm talking from the very low level that maybe I'm at up until fucking a superstar. Like, you've got to accept that the odd person might know who you are. There's a chance that they've bought a ticket to see you before, they've bought, they've downloaded your show, they've listened to your podcast

at a Patreon. You've got to go, I've chose this life and if someone wants to take a picture with me, I sort of see that as part of, part and parcel of the job. But if I'm hungover in fucking Sayers or Gregs and I've got like me as part and parcel of the job. But if I'm hungover in fucking Sayers or Greggs and I've got like mealed up and I'm all fucked

and you're like, can I have a picture? You've got to understand that I don't want that picture to exist. I don't want to remember this moment. Most people get that, but so many people are weird about like, oh, you're a person and I i can i just don't care about like the human element of like you clearly don't want to have your picture taken at that point yeah we've had quite a few and went shopping before lockdown yeah so we got about four or five pictures and stuff was in town shopping that's fine yeah it's great it's it's nice and

it's it's lovely to see like people like Because they're all really nice, respectful people, but... No one's asking for a photo if they don't like you. No. It is nice, but I do think if you are having a bad day, that's something for people who are watching who... I'm not talking about us, but if they've got people they like and they follow or whatever, you don't ever really know what day they're having.

A, they could be hungover. B, they might be feeling really unattractive. They might not have had a shower. Their fucking dog might have just died. Someone might have just been putting off. You never know what mood someone's in. And I guarantee most people who are of any public interest will be, on an average day, will be dead, dead, dead sound

if you ask them for a picture of some sort. Yeah. But if they are a bit, mate, I can't do that today. Obviously, if someone's dead rude to you, goes, oh, no, fuck off, I've got no time for that, then, yeah, they're being a bit of a dick.

But there's probably a reason. If someone's like, not today, mate, I'm too busy, or, like, they might be making an excuse because they're just not in the mood to have their picture taken.

I'm a big fan of chasing fame for the thing that you do. So only put yourself in place. I'm talking complete bollocks because I'm not in this position. But if you're famous for what you do, that's fame that's totally directly related to you getting to do what you do but just fame for the sake of it like going on any tv show that doesn't help sell things just because you want to be a celebrity and being in the fucking tabloid newspaper because you're part of that culture like like radiohead are one of the biggest bands of the last 25 years in this country and they've made millions and they are hugely respected

and they play like arenas all around the world you could walk past them on the fucking street Tom York is fairly famous Johnny Greenwood, you could literally walk past them on the street because they have never chased a fame that is about just being famous

that's a beautiful level to get at so if they get stopped in a fucking co-op, you know you're dealing with a Radiohead fan. Someone goes, excuse me, are you Johnny Greenwood? And he's like, yeah, I am. He's going to be like, nice one, sound. Because for the rest of his week, no one's fucking bothering him.

It's a difficult one when your face is fucking everywhere. And I've seen people, these are my least favorite cunts, who see a fan of someone go, oh my Godul sinar i've seen this happen uh oh with fans i told my wife that you're on tonight and like oh and i can have a picture paul's like yeah yeah and then a guy goes oh you that guy all right can i ever get a picture as well oh i don't really know who you are but i want to show my wife yeah fuck off Fuck off. You're a fucking adult, you rat. Like, I just, I think you're in a position where you're going up the league table now.

There's a way of being famous that isn't just like fucking throw yourself everywhere so that people are like. I actively piss my agent off sometimes when they're like, do you want to audition for this thing or this show, this new panel show on and I'm like I don't like the sound of it like I've always thought like not when I started, when I started I was a bit different, I was young and naive but like

in the past few years I've thought especially as a comedian I was talking about this with my dad yesterday actually because like I suppose we can say a bit of news we're looking at getting a second studio space that we can do some other projects in and yeah and my dad was like do you know what i think you should do should think about uh i it was like i love what you do but i've already napped but

there'll be people who don't and you you want to be trying to get everyone you know what i mean for your tour shows now why don't you try and do something really family friendly? And I went, because then they'll come and see me on tour and they'll hate it. There's no point doing something that gets you either the wrong fans or loses your fans. There's no point me going on. We're talking about on Patreon, I think. I'm a celebrity.

Because you've got to be Mr. Family Friendly Happy Guy. And that's just not who I am. It's nine-year-olds, 11-year-olds sat there with their mum and dad watching you. Yeah. Like, I don't want to do the childish panel show on E4 where we're all throwing guns at each other. We're all in our fucking late 20s, early 30s.

When I saw Manfred on the Alan Titmaw show 15 years ago, I was like, to be fair with Jason, he is trying to be a bit more mainstream. Oh, he's trying to be very mainstream, Jason. And I suppose he always has been, but like, who is watching daytime television? Like, you've got to look at what, like when my old agent went, we've got you an audition with CBBC.

I was like, what the fuck are you on about? What, am I going to be the new Mr. Tumble? And then go and close the frog with my bit about fucking threesomes. Like it just, it's got to make sense. Yeah, it's the difference between wanting to be something and wanting to be famous, isn't it? Like I want to be a comic and a good one.

You want success, you don't want fame. Kind of. It's not even, yeah, well success, I suppose. It's a weird thing to say you want, but like I just want to be good and I feel like if you're good at something

success will come if you do the things to make it happen yeah I don't just want to be that guy who's on everything and then they come and see me on tour

and it's just fine yeah and also you can't be on here and our whole deal is like you know we're we're doing comedy that can't you can't do

on tv like and then it's difficult to then put go down the gears and be like hey i'm doing warm-up for gok one like it it's this is working we find it we found a lane you can't then be like mr saturday night and i also think with the whole like getting autographs and getting things signed once you've met a few people like Bill Burr and you've like he's played

the Albert Hall I don't give a fuck if a person has signed a thing I don't care because I've sat I've sat in rooms like with amazing comedians

and in my head there's a bit of me going yeah maybe I would like a picture to show my mate who's a fan of Ramesh or whatever but like a picture to show my mate who's a fan of Romesh or whatever

but I'm not asking fucking Romesh for a picture because I'm his I'm his colleague tonight and you'll look more of a bellend

in that room than so I just I don't know there are some sports people though that if they sign something for me

PS the whole autograph thing if it's been done randomly and you just get given it, couldn't give a shit. I want it signed. There are some sports people.

If you've got a Stephen Gerrard fucking to Adam, I know you're a big red. I'd be impressed with that. I really like Larry Fitzgerald that plays for the Cardinals. When I saw this question, I was like, randomly, I would love him to sign something for me. I don't know why I watched his... It has to be exotic, that's why.

Right, yeah. Like, Stephen Gerrard thing isn't that... He could probably get one today if he tried hard enough. I almost certainly could get Stephen Gerrard to sign something. So, like, it has to be something like... Wouldn't it be annoying if it was a Rangers top? I kind of find that funny, though. Yeah, I also like the idea

do you know what I mean like if you if I I love the fact that Finn has got goalkeeper gloves signed by a centre forward do you know what

I'm not joking if I got a signature of Fastino Asperia I'd be so fucking happy what if I get him to sign the picture of me and him there was a

there was a player for Watford called Tommy Mooney. And I watched him play in the early nineties for Watford. I would love a Tommy. He was from Middlesbrough, played for Watford for about four or five years. And he, I would love something signed by him for me. Like that's,

that's, that would mean more than any like famous footballer now to me also I'm nearly 40 what the fuck am I gonna oh my god

Marcus like someone is it Rashford is it Marcus yeah if he signs for me he's 23 he's a kid

am I getting fucking excited about someone 17 years younger than me not that he isn't an exceptional human being because he is but Tommy Mooney

anyone who knows Tommy Mooney I've who knows Tommy Mooney, I've worked out that that's who I like. Should we have another break? Yes. I was really enjoying that. We can do a couple more questions when we come back before we close off.

Do they have a word? Special guest. Special guest as well. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Special. Special. What's happening, guys?

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This is a place of work, okay? And I want to see some fucking good podcasting in three, two, one. Oh, we're already live. Okay, bounce it. Did you see the Mr. Potato Head thing? No, I did not see the Mr. Potato Head thing. Why don't you tell us what it is? Oh, there's no guest.

I'm not lit. You're not lit? Oh, no, there's no guest. I'm not lit. You're not lit? Oh, no, he's not lit. Oh, my God. Don't unplug your lights. He hates that light, doesn't he? Oh, what? Why'd you turn it off, ever?

Just didn't. It was giving me a headache. Finn doesn't know where it is. Just a little switch. Warmer. Not warm. Cold. Warm.

Hot. Colder. Hot. It looks like a verge. I'm trying to find a cliff. Hot. It's here somewhere. Not warm Cold Warm hot Colder Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot, the man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the boat, man in the's the man in the boat you know what I mean the man in the boat yeah I don't want to think about it like that

little fucking sailor if you look at it like a little boat like the little lure pack if it's like a little boat like this yeah right this is a pussy right

a little boat it's the little fucking ball at the top innit yeah pussy I hope he has a daughter one day yeah

and then he has that awful moment with a toddler when she's like daddy daddy I need the toilet have you wiped your pussy you don't call your daughter's vagina

a pussy you literally you call it a minky moo can we I'll pay you money from here on in to refer to

vaginas as minky moos it's weird it's not normal but it's better than you being like you know

in the pussy the fucking pussy a minky moo does sound like a boast it sounds like a fucking yeah she sailed upon the minky moo

a minky moo it sounds like a child's loll She sailed upon the Minky Moo. A Minky Moo? It sounds like a child's lollipop. Do you want a Minky Moo? What flavour Minky Moo do you want? Strawberry or chocolate? It's minute milk, innit? Fish. It's a bit fishy, innit?

I find me. It's not alright. So, Mr. Potato Head. Can you imagine if a girl went, Adam, I'm really... I want you. You're I'm really I want you You're fucking sexy I want you to fuck me

But before you do Lick me minky moo Get it out girl Do you like me minky moo? Yeah Ironically Not hairy Stop checking your fucking phone

I was turning it off Do you like it when a woman sits on your face? No contacts, dead easy Bam Our woman Our woman Do you know Just on the bus

I think I think There's no seats love Can we get on this? Tell you what This is why I prefer sunbathing round the pool because at the beach

these women are fucking animals right erm I think it's one of those things that I do like a bit of

I quite enjoy the pornography of the sit of the face sit and I am intrigued by the pegging porn you know oh really yeah fucking and i consider my fifth of a beer and he's opening up oh yeah because i'm a closed

book normally um but i don't know if i'm i'm that enamored by the doing of it. You know, like, oh God, a girl sat on my face and you're like, you're there, you're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doing a Freddie Quinn impression. You know when you've got to move a cheek for breathing, like... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't breathe through my nose either.

Oh, wow. It's dangerous, isn't it? Do you have to tap out? Like, you've got... I have to use a fanny like an airbag. Just keep blowing into it. You know, like a paper bag when someone's having a panic attack that's what i do stop doing that adam i'm inflating tap out like a babe yeah like like you've got you in a fucking an armbar um and then the pegging stuff i watch that i'm like oh that's a bit fun to look at but i just can't see myself being like babe tonight strap it on yeah i i don't i just can't see it i don't want to do the

pegging and i don't like watching it either you like watching men get bummed by women just recently it's just ticked over into i find myself in that lane the other night i find myself it's literally like you know when you go to the supermarket you're like what pudding do i fancy tonight and then you're like oh cheesecake vanilla you know it's like sometimes with porn i'm like that i'm like oh there's some banging spanking tonight and i go and have a little look for a spank do i want to spank women no do i want to be spanked absolutely not but I do kind of like watching it. I don't know what you mean. I'm a spanker now.

What? I'm a spanker. Oh. No. I'm a comedian, Karl. I don't think I can get myself that deep into a role play to be like, naughty girl. No, you're not to say it, but you give them a good belt.

Yeah, you hit them hard enough so they know they've been naughty. You don't need to spell it out. You. Honestly. If you can get through this life without having to get rid of one dead body you've had a win i genuinely feel like at some point somebody's gonna die in your life and it's gonna be your fault so did you um did you see the mr potato the Mr Potato Head like Bukkake like Bukkake I love a Bukkake

do you? in the morning coffee not for me love how do you like? yeah good innit but I just think sometimes i look like a fucking painter's radio but i also like the other one the reverse the reverse lesbian bukkake i'm into it yeah that's very like that's meant to be quite degrading for the man but i can watch that

it's not degrading to be covered in pussy juice I laughed because I was about to say pussy juice no no no no I knew it was going to no what have you promised minky moo juice oh minky moo juice it sounds like

minky moo juice I feel like it's important for clarity to let everyone know these are our first beers. So, Mr Potato Head. When a woman's sitting on your face, do you have a wank while it's happening? Why can't she do it? Well, where are your hands? She's sitting on your face, do you have a wank while it's happening? Why can't she do it? Well, where are your hands?

She's fucking in pain. Where are your hands? Just down there. So you literally try and come on her back? No. What? What? When a woman's

sat on my face I'm sat like I'm going down a toboggan run so basically she's sat on your face and you're wanking so it's basically just like

wanking with breathing difficulties isn't it which is the asthma wank yeah that's what I do anyway can we invent a sex move can we invent a sex move

yeah I think I just have, haven't I? What's it called? The wank toboggan? Um, watch your back. The watch your back. No, have you ever done... Can we tie the watch your back?

No, have you ever done the propeller? Have you ever done the propeller where you lie down, erection, a woman lies on top of you, closes her legs around your penis, you don't insert into the vagina, you just... And her legs...

And then you spin them. You spin them. That's called the propeller. Anyone? Is that a real thing? No, I thought we were just making up sex positions. Yeah, we should. The propeller? Don't try this at all. Carl, let's make up sex positions. I make one up. Is that real?

It was just so quick. I'm just trying to think. What would the mum-bam-way be? The mum-bam-way? No. No, Carl. No, no. No sex position that we create here

should involve an imaginary small dead African child. And that's just... I don't know what you and Serica get up to. Mr. Carl. What about the... That'd be a weird role play wouldn't it serica plays an ethiopian orphan and i play lenny henry red cross have you ever had a red nose wank i just feed her give her some water what about the ways me socks it's where she like lies and puts her head over the bed like she's looking under the bed for socks

and you're just under there with your dick out and she sucks your dick. You're under the bed? That's happened, that. That has fucking happened in your direction. With an erection. Do you know... Wears me socks.

I don't know where your socks are, love, but here's me fucking bellend. I don't... Here's me bellend. Where's your socks Out of love But here's me fucking bellend I don't Here's me bellend Where's your minky moo Here's my Tommy J I don't think you Thought that

Role play through Because that's essentially You waiting under a bed With an erection And that makes you sound Like a bad pedo Doesn't it No

Let's do a role play Where you're in bed And I'm underneath it Like a monster Another one The monster The monster's ink. Another one. The monster. The monster's ink. You go asleep, babe.

The monster's dick. You go asleep, babe, and I'll just start scratching under the bed. And you'll be like, what's that? And I'll be like, it's me. It's the trapped cat. Fuck me. I'm in the walls. Another sex position.

What would the green mile be? The green mile. Oh. Tired now, boss. That's when... Switch just goes to bed. Tired now, boss. Night-night.

That's when you're finishing a mouth and she goes... It just flies off. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. There's no guest. Do you know what the Pet Shop Boys are named after? It's when you tie her to a chair and electrocute her. But with like sex toys.

Nope, that's not a position, that's murder. There you go. Do you know what the Pet Shop Boys are named after? The sex move. The Pet Shop Boys. Because of the band, the Pet Shop Boys. Well, it's two men, isn't it? Right.

Do you know what that move is? No. Genuinely. I know they're gay, aren't they? Famously, the Pet Shop Boys are gay I didn't know that was I just thought it was a name I didn't know the Pet Shop was a position

It doesn't involve puppies does it What I know of it, it involves mice And The bottom And tunnels It's the Richard Gere Oh yeah Richard Gere got done shagging a hamster or something Yeah Not shagging though is it the dance of consent so um there's a thing

this week on twitter about mr potato head oh yeah mr potato head mate get to the fucking point with this jesus christ call you're all over the shop did you not see it there's a thing that came out and people like hasbro have said mr potato head there's no more it's just potato head because they wanted to be gender uh inclusive yeah and then there was a day of angry white men going this is a disgrace on twitter and then about nine o'clock last night hasbro came out and went that's absolutely bollocks mr and mrs potato head is still a thing And then It was just Someone had just Come out and Yeah people do it all the time But like

No but it was like It was a widely reported thing It wasn't like a rumour It was like Oh this is happening I mean The Daily Mail Online Live for that

Fucking article Don't they Have you seen Mr Potato Head Because of PC culture Who gives a fuck The amount of articles now Where it's like People Are calling For Hasbro To make Mr Potato Head, because of PC culture. Who gives a fuck? The amount of articles now where it's like, people are calling for Hasbro to make Mr. Potato Head gender neutral.

And it's just one Twitter account of someone who's bored going, it should be... Yeah. People's arguments was it's a fucking potato. Like, why are you trying to... Yeah. Why are you arsed? And also, Mr. Potato Head very easily cross-dresses as well.

I don't know if you've ever used a Mr. Potato Head. You can work anything in anything, can't you? You can give him his wife's handbag. You can give him his own handbag. Lips. Well, that was the point. It was a potato and you buy the whatever you want with it. Have you ever dressed up in women's clothes?

Good question. Thanks for asking. No. No? Never been tempted? I haven't. I think I put eyeliner on once

no I don't know I've worn girlfriend's knickers before have you but it's not sexy is it you're like

I've got your knickers on it's so smart again you're a comedian there's a limit of how sexy I can ever be without being like... Like, my wife and I,

our relationship is built on us having a laugh. It's very hard to be sexy properly without being like... You fucking dick. I don't know, like... Would you ever put a dress on? What? For what? Like, just in the afternoon,

you live with your missus, she's out. Yeah. Oh, it's not a sex thing, you're just wearing women's clothing just to see what it's like yeah yeah see I don't know

whether I would but I can understand the like let's have a look why not see if I'm fit yeah yeah

I think you've got too much confidence from that female mock-up someone did on Twitter when they made you into Jennifer Rowe don't think that's what you'd look like

you'd need but it is literally me though yeah with a woman's face mock-up someone did on Twitter when they made you into Jennifer Rowe. I don't think that's what you look like. You'd need... But it is literally me, though. Yeah. With a woman's face. Oh, yeah. There's been a few of those filters. Anything about Mr. Potato Head? Oh, you've done it. Don't know. There's been a few of those filters where you put, like, your face through a filter and it becomes a woman, and every

time you do it with me, I swear to God I'd shag her. Yeah, but you'd shag you. I wouldn't. I'd shag her. Yeah, but you'd shag you. I wouldn't. Why? Far too much. Yeah, you do. Ready?

We're going to do some Havowords, as is our God-given right. It's time for Havowords. We're out on the dance. We're the moon and prime. We're the two friends. It's what's meant to be. So we've got three Havowords. I put out a back call For some have a words

If you've got any questions Domestic disputes You'd like some advice from Adam He gives bad advice You'd need anything from us Any correspondence Would you What do you mean bad advice

Name one bit of bad advice I've ever given I can't remember you're right Have a word pod at gmail.com got any questions would you rathers anything you want to ask the lids haveawordpod

at gmail.com however we end every show with a have a word we can have a word with something that's pissing you off

a celebrity that's pissing you off a thing that people do your family members your partner even yourself and we don't get loads of great ones,

but we do one every episode. So play the numbers, you might get one on. We've got three here. Crackers. Now we've got no guests because the rat cancelled. So we're going to close off with some other words. This is from H. Adopts. Yes, H from

Steps. As I wrote from H, I would have put every penny I have on you going. From Steps. Yes, H from Steps. As I wrote from H, I would have put every penny I have on you going, from Steps. I literally knew you were going to do it. It was great. And I actually thought it might be Carl that did it. No, I knew it would be him. So this is from a girl.

I didn't want to say her name because she didn't say if she wanted to be anonymous or not. But she put, all right, lids, might need you to have a word with me. Been seeing this lad for a year now. Oh, God, it's got this feel, hasn't it? Been seeing this lad for a year now.

He's had commitment issues since the day we met. Red flag. But slowly but surely started to warm to me. How romantic. I've worn him down. Being with him is driving me round the bend because I just want to settle down and he's not ready for it yet i've never met his family or friends what are your thoughts

why is he still on the fence after a year shall i fuck it off that's from h adam well i went round to my girlfriend's house on Christmas Day three weeks after I met her. I met him on the dad. Yeah. You did? Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? H, mate, you've emailed in, and honestly, I feel bad for you,

but you know, don't you? I've never met his father. As soon as you've written that sentence, you know. Are they definitely alive? Are you bonking him? And then he's like, no, I do really like you. I just don't want to go out in public with you or be seen by my friends or family.

If you could just stay in this emotional cupboard while I stick my penis in you once in a while, it's bad news, isn't it? I would say, though, just a little thing. It has been a weird year. It's bad news, isn't it? I would say, though, even if you really like him. I would say, though, just a little thing. It has been a weird year. It's true.

You know what I mean? If there's any year where you could go a full year of dating someone without meeting their family and friends, it would be 2020 slash one. He might be a secret agent.

He might be. He might be a murderer. Is it just me like I really like being in relationships with people that definitely like me

yeah I never got that thing of like wear them down you've asked them to marry you four times ask them a fifth time

isn't it nice to be with someone who's like I think you're great I'm like brilliant yeah I need constant constant appraisal. In every walk of life, he goes through.

If I put the toilet seat down and you don't notice, I'll never do it again. It's tricky, isn't it? Because you fall in love with who you fall in love with. But your head is, you know, the heart wants what it wants. But in life, if you only ever act on that, you are going to end up in situations where objectively you know someone's being a bell sniff and you're like oh i really like him though

you've got to sort of think practically i think this guy even if he's not a cunt he just this doesn't sound fun mate does it like it's just a bit weird he's just not into it like if you're a year in like it sounds like she can't really even talk to him about it and if you're a year in he should be like at least talking like yeah if you're dating someone for a year i would be so excited to introduce that person to my family and friends like once i really like someone i want them to meet me mates i want me mates to go she's good there keep that one around i want them to meet me mates. I want me mates to go, she's good there. Keep that one around.

I want them to meet me family and me family to like them and them to like me family. I went on one date with Laura and then went to the New Zealand Comedy Festival for two and a half weeks and we Skyped nearly every day because I've got no chill

and I was like, she's great. I really like her and I think she likes me i was at the other side of the world and skyping a girl i'd been on one date with like i i've got no chill if i'm in i'm in i haven't told the story on this shit of me and sam have i on the second time i met her when you were there we spoke about it on a patreon i don't think we did no we scared around it because we spoke about the

circumstance rather than the action oh and when on the night time yeah and she was behind you yeah so i know you know but i'll sort of tell the patron so i'd gone on a date with sam and before that happened obviously any long-time listeners know I split up with a long term girlfriend towards the end of last year like in August I think it was and just before I went out with Sam

I'd said to Carl I don't want anything serious for a while I'm not gonna I'm just gonna see a few different people be honest with them all and just fucking chill

and I went on one date with Sam and went no no no yeah let's see where that one goes and that was on the Thursday on the Sunday night we had nothing to do

and this was when things were sort of semi-open so me, Carl me little brother and me little brother's mate we went to town to have a game of table tennis we watched Liverpool play

Villa? no it was Villa it was a Sunday winner it's not pertinent Liverpool played Aston Villa. No, it wasn't Villa because you got beat 7-2 by Villa

and I definitely remembered that. No, but we played them again. Anyway, great fucking interlude. And then we went to the only bar that was still left open that we knew of and our mate happens to run it.

And as we're coming in, I knew that the girl I'd been on a date with, Sam, was out with her mates and that she had been in this bar earlier and she date with, Sam, was out with her mates. And that she had been in this bar earlier. And she was saying, oh, we might be going somewhere else or whatever.

And then as we come in, you have to check your coats. There's like a weird no-coat policy in there. You have to check your jacket and just be in your shirt. So as we're checking our coats and she's coming down the stairs to go to the toilet. And I was like, hi, I've met this girl once. And we've spoke every day, but I we've spoke every day but i've met her once i mean she's on a night out with her mates and uh so was it just by chance that she was there i knew she'd been in there earlier right i didn't know quite the details of what like so we go in and there was one table left in the whole place and we get sat in it. So we're on like this tall stool and it's a nightclub because of the

restrictions at the time in December. You've all got to stay at your tables. It's not like you can just find a space in the bar. This is your table. You sit there. So I'm sort of sat here. My little brother sat there, Carl's facing me and the toilet is over there.

So I'm sort of checking over my shoulder. Carl goes what are you doing and i was like i'm gonna see where she goes where she's sat and then i'll go over say hello maybe buy her and i made some drinks and then i'll come back and then it's done takes the awkward thing out the way i've been a nice guy and whatever and he goes all right so i look over my shoulder and she's coming back from the toilet and she sat there she's literally right behind me and on that night out she was with four other girls and one lad who was a boyfriend of one of the girls and i hadn't seen any of this and i'm just getting a bit nervous and i'm looking at her and she looked fucking gorgeous and i was saying i want to go talk to him he was like just shut up i was like it's so awkward it looks like i've asked to be sat here and he was like i guarantee

yeah he was just trying to calm me down because he could see I was like nervous and anxious because it looked so weird to anyone. And he went, I guarantee you, she'll be happy that this has happened. You've bumped into someone you've been on a good date with. I promise you it'll be fine. And we just sat there and I was like, I'll go over in like five minutes. And then she went, Adam, come here.

So I went and sat down and what had happened is the lad who was with one of the girls is a fan of this. And he didn't know she'd been on a date with me or anything like that. She'd mentioned to a couple of her mates, maybe I went on a date on Thursday. She hadn't gone on a date with, I can't give any specifics. So she'd sat down after being in the toilet for five minutes.

And that lad, as she sat down, I'm like, you're not going to believe who sat behind us. It's the comedian, Adam Rowe. And she went, I went on a date with him on Thursday

and he went fuck off and she was like tap him and ask him and he was like no I'm not fucking tapping him and asking him fucking stupid

trying to make me look stupid so that's when she'd gone Adam come and sit here so I went and sat down she's like what the fuck's going on what the fuck's going on nice

yeah and then we ended up in a very illegal lock in that night shhh oh no but we're on our way out of it as we left there Nice. Yeah. And then we ended up in a very illegal lock-in that night. Shh. Oh, no. But we're on our way out of it. As we were left there, a mate of mine who runs a bar,

like a couple of streets away, he's just stood outside the bar he runs, and I was like, oh, I'm going home. And he was like, do you want to come in here? I'm letting like 30 people in. Yeah. There's been Rona. It's been the shittest year ever.

Yeah. Like if they were like, I've got a shed. Do you want to come in here? I've got four cans of lager. I'd be like, sounds fucking great. And not all new relationships can be like that.

Just to illustrate the difference between this guy and me. That night I got very drunk and I don't remember doing this. But I know for a fact I did it because she told me and she's definitely not lying. Apparently I said to her, look, she's definitely not lying apparently I said look

car's on the table I'm not going to see anyone else but if you want to at this stage you can but I will be devastated

no chill no chill whatsoever fucking worked though didn't it I told my sister after the second date when I got back from New Zealand

I think she's the one you know we were engaged about fucking 10 months later romance doesn't always work like that though, didn't he? I told my sister after the second date when I got back from New Zealand, I think she's the one. You know, we were engaged about fucking 10 months later. Romance doesn't always work like that. I've been in some awkward situations,

but mate, you deserve someone who likes you properly and treats you like that. This is where lads can be bad. All people can be bad. They don't shag you.

They can say one thing, can't they? Like, behind the scenes, they can say whatever can say whatever like oh i do really like you but people's actions count for a lot actions speak louder than words so just do yourself a favor you deserve to be liked by someone that you like uh next one we're gonna do a few here all right fellas love the pod all right fellas love concentrate concentrate concentrate adhd love the pod all right fellas love concentrate concentrate concentrate adhd love the pod can you have a word with my mate brandon for being such a wet sap he was messaging a girl a week before she said she was interested he then started sending presents to

her house and telling her that he loves her she then started messaging me and didn't say any of this had happened so i had no idea i've now been seeing her and it's going quite well he found out and wasn't happy understandably i've apologized though and thought we'd moved on like adults he's now saying that i'm dead to him and just being a big girl's blouse about it how fucking old is ash from all He's being a big girl's blues about it. Should we not just move on since we're not children? He's also a Tory rat, so this probably has done me a favour so I don't have to be associated with him.

That's a great final dig there, Ash from Hull. So basically, his mate Brandon is a right drama queen when it gets to getting into girls. Very dramatic, all in. This girl has been messaging him. Ash didn't know a fucking thing about it. And now Brandon has seen his ass to the extent that he's like, you're dead to me.

Are we having a word? Who are we having a word with? I mean, Brandon's a fanny here, mate. But Ash didn't know that Brandon was into this girl. I suppose we've always got to take these at face value. We're always, like, to be fair, Brandon, if you're watching this, you might have a different side of the story,

and we would love to hear your side of the story. Have a word, pod, at gmail.com. But according to Ash, it's innocent. This girl has had a few messages off Brandon, but then messaged Ash. They've started seeing each other, and it's going well. And now Brandon has been like

how dare you sir you can't you're bound she's not his no she isn't but there's we need more information

for me for me to have a way with someone here I need I need to interview the suspects because if she knew

that they were me someone's messaging both of them that's offside yeah but and but messaging a girl doesn't mean she can't also message someone else no but in 2021 no it it doesn't but like put it this way if i was into a girl and we were talking and she knew i was best made to Carl and Carl was single as well and then she starts messaging me and they ended up together,

that... Yeah, that doesn't look good. Like, I'd hate that girl then and that would then taint our friendship. But by the way, Brandon, that's not Ash's fault, is it? No. So be pissed off with his missus.

I mean, there are loads of relationships where lads have to deal with partners they don't like. Fuck me, we get enough messages about it. But it's not your mate's fault. He's done nothing wrong. I love the thing. He's also a fucking Tory rat, so this has probably done me a favour.

I love it how you've just put a gig... Who the fuck is a young Tory in Hull? I know. How can you be a Tory in Hull? How can you look a hulk and go Mate, I find that there's nothing more suspicious to me than a young conservative

Like, honestly Who's talking to you? I think it's a tendency, can't be Like it's a contrarianism thing? Yeah, especially on Twitter This is where I sort of see It depends where you've grown up and what you've grown up in and around. If you're from Hull,

there's like Hull Collegiate that my brother-in-law teaches at. It's quite a well-to-do private school. But you're still from Hull. So like, just because your parents are Tories, how are you, like, fair enough, you've got a nice upbringing, but you're like, yeah,

your politics are exactly my politics. I essentially like money more than fucking humanity. How can you be young a nice upbringing, but you're like, yeah, your politics are exactly my politics. I essentially like money more than fucking humanity. How can you be young and be like, I'm definitely a young Tory? I find it really suspicious. I think it's the old

echo chamber thing though, isn't it? I think we live in an age of social media echo chambers where depending on what source of upbringing you've had and what, like, it's the whole,

the great hack thing on Netflix, the algorithms send you what you already like. So if you have any source of conservative leanings, you get sent more conservative stuff. It's the reason conspiracy theorists are going around the fucking bend because they just end up talking, only seeing each other's things, and then they go, that makes sense as well. I know what you mean, but I still think, I think you have to be a bit of a contrarian to be a 21 year old Tory

because I don't think Facebook is going to be like oh cool I know what lane you're in you're in the East Yorkshire young conservative lane that's going to be you

and four fucking bellends called like Simeon but you're also you're also forgetting that like all it takes with that is

like I'm not saying he has got any sort of stop defending Tories I'm not I he has got any sort of stop defending Tories Adam I'm not I'm only joking like what maybe he's like sort of to what like

there's certainly in the young north of England there's definitely a lot of sort of far right stuff isn't there and EDL and that's a part of do you know what I'm saying yeah that's not

that's not conservative isn't it no know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's not, that's not conservatism, is it? No, but because they're on the far right, they'll then be shown things from the right, which they then might like, and not stuff from the left. Oh,

when I hear Tory, I don't, I don't think any of, I feel like that's like a whole, a completely different thing. Oh yeah, like young Tories, like,

when people say, oh, you're a Tory, I never think about like the right wing of like like basically fascism and like yeah i i think he's like literally identifies with the conservative party and like probably knows a bit about politics and as from a well-to-do family he's gone yeah yeah but i just find it really unusual because i understand as you get older like i i think there's a weird thing if you're from a

sort of working class or lower middle class background where you're like well i identify as a socialist there's a real inverted snobbery against people from like the upper class or who vote conservative like they're not the antichrist or anything like i i get understand how people have different politics to me and i don't like the inverted snobbery of like, oh, you're posh, you're a cunt. Like, there's loads of working class people who are absolute twats. There's loads of posh people who are fucking scumbags.

But just because you're from one side, you can't just point and go, you're different, I hate you. But I still think a young conservative makes my skin crawl. Like, yeah, I'm'm 19 and I'm really strongly anti-Europe and anti-immigration

like I just I find it really unnerving so fuck Brandon fuck Brandon yeah just fuck off Brandon you little rat

fuck off Brandon you little fucking gimp I hate ya or if you've got a different side of the story please send it in Brandon because I love a bit of drama

have we got one more have we got one more? Have we got one more in us? Yeah. Yeah. Alright, Adamola, Davison, Corral, and Fred. Can you please have a word with my housemate? Been living with him six months and been noticing things going missing

every now and then. Bev's food and the odd bit of green keep disappearing. That's weed. That's marijuana, guys. Jazz cabbage. I've never heard the phrase jazz cabbage. Amazing. You don't know about jazz cabbage? He's my only ham.

Completely ignored it. The weird thing is, I thought it about five seconds before you said it. I thought it. And then you went, I went, nah five seconds Before you said it And went I thought it And then And then you And then you went I went nah

And then you went Yeah Jizz cabbage Sounds like jazz cabbage You talk about jizz And non-cabbage On the most recent Patreon right

Yeah Anyway Young Tories do that You know Soggy Biscuit Yeah Yeah they do They do jizzy cabbage Yeah because they're all

Agricultural aren't they They get round the farm Get a cabbage out Comey kale Come kale Come kale Yeah Oh my father's a landowner

Right He's my only housemate So I know it's got to be him Finally Had to write in After coming down one morning To find my Doner meat sarnie I'd made the night before

To be empty With just a single piece of lettuce inside. I can take a lot, but don't eat a man's sandwich filling straight out of the bread. Normally, I'd twat someone for doing it, but it was on his birthday and I have to live with him

for another four months of lockdown. Any advice on what to do? Cheers. That's from L-Dog, who has signed off an email as L-Dog. P.S. Love the pod and up the toffees. Oh, that's what he's about. Yes, lad.

Up the toffs. He's called L-Dog. Nice one. Smash his head in. I think that's a really easy answer here. Put anthrax in all your food. There we go. Thanks for listening this week, ladies and gentlemen.

Where are you getting anthrax? The Gladys street end. Same person I can get a gun off. Dark web. Give me an hour. You, honestly, he can't even log into Insta. How the fuck are we getting on the dark web? Finn, what's the password for the dark web?

Who has, am I the only one? I've never eaten Donner meat. What's a Donner meat sarnie? I think he means like a Donner, like a wrap. He saved a bit of sandwich for the next day. I've never had doner meat. That's amazing. I've never had doner meat.

Wow. I want some doner meat now. When we go out, I'm taking you to the Botan in Liverpool. Never. I like chicken doner. No, you'd have a lamb. It doesn't look good. It doesn't look good it doesn't look good

it is good though like for like while you're eating it the second you finish you just want to call family members and tell them you love them yeah

while you're eating it takes five years off your life yeah Laura occasionally because she's ditty likes a doner meat pizza oh yeah

under the cheese oh I don't think she's ever specified. Yeah. Oh, that's a... As if under or over the cheese. Like, over the cheese. You're a fucking animal.

By the way, that's the first time Finn has popped up in about 45 minutes there. Oh, yeah. That's the Turkish in him there. Oh, we're talking about Doner kebab. Oh, yes. Under the cheese. Yes.

Chili garlic, my friend. I'm not doner kebab Oh yes Under the cheese Yes Chili garlic my friend Just what Finn sounds like Yes yes I have some title to clear It's a very good clip Hello my name is Finn Oh Dan you have to have a Donamy pizza Please I fucking Oh let's order one Yeah I need some food anyway L-dog Oh, Dan, you have to have a Donamy pizza, please. Oh, fucking.

Oh, let's order one. Yeah. I need some food anyway. L-Dog. Just call him a cunt and just live with the four months. Deal with it, man. Fucking deal with it. Spike your food.

I'd bring it up with him and he'll deny it and then start leaving stuff that's really easy to steal around and if it stops getting stolen, you know it was death for him. It's death for him. It's the only housemate. Anyone who steals from their mates, by the way, is a class A helmet-headed cunt. There's someone in our outer circle who's a kitty thief.

There is? Oh, yeah. Oh. Do you ever do kitty on a night out? What are you saying? Do you know what I mean? I do. Kitty.

Are we getting real? No guess, so we're going to get... Who is this? No, you don't know them. He knows who he is. I thought you meant a comedian. No, no, no. There'll be like 10 of us on a night out,

and we'll all put a 10 in, and there's undercooked in the kitty, and whoever's holding the kitty's job and it's very rare like it doesn't happen anymore because he's known for it now but like it like you know when like it's just like it's like he's been declared bankrupt and he's not allowed fine yeah yeah you don't mean beers and the kitty's gone you're like we had 50 quid left no it's gone lad yeah you've all put 20 quid in and you've had three rounds and you've just had beers and you're like,

that's about 12 quid. So where's my other eight quid? Have you known him a long time? Because this is not someone you keep... About 10 years. Yeah. He's trading off the fact you've known him a long time

because otherwise you just wouldn't have him in your life, would you? Oh, I've got so many stories about him. Hey, that's pretty... I nearly said something but then it'll just

give everything away. That's pretty bad fucking form, isn't it? This is a housemate being a selfish cunt, and we've all dealt with it, and we've all been this person. Like, every housemate is, at some point, if you've shared a house, gone, ah, I'm starving, ah, someone's got a snack, I'll have it and replace it later.

You forget, you've got a pissed-off housemate. It's annoying, he is a bell-end, deal with it you're not gonna have to deal with them call him out fine stealing money from a kitty he's proper stealing what else he does he never buys you a bevy back no so like if he's still tight we'll have a beer and he'll be like oh you know you're not drinking lad oh i've been paid or something good i'll get you one and he'll get a drink off everyone and then go off is he an alcoholic no he's just a tea leaf

he's just a gobshite yeah I couldn't I couldn't have that in my fucking friend group oh he's not in our friend group

he's just attached to her do you know yesterday I figured out he's a squad player yeah under 18s I figured out yesterday what gobshite means

it's a poo in the mouth innit hmm I figured out yesterday what gobshite means It's a poo in the mouth isn't it I think that's a button press One of the fastest growing podcasts In UK history He's a cunt this guy And I don't like him

He's a poo in the mouth There's such a good chance of you twatting your own, like iMac. All right. I don't think, Oh, order. Order.

Order. Order. Oh, it's three, isn't it? I'll do it once. Yes. It's been an absolute pleasure.

Ladies and gents. We had a moment this morning where we were a little bit worried that without a guest we'd have to scramble I've genuinely enjoyed today's pod as much as I have any other recently it's been a pleasure, thanks for watching apologies about the guest but I think it's a fucking

remarkable achievement to get this far into a pandemic and not miss one guest episode but we just lucked out a little bit we will endeavour to get another guest on next week and what not and hopefully restrictions lifting means we can get some guys from London and down

from Scotland and just spread the net a little wider. Michael Barrymore on next week. Michael Barrymore's coming on, Chris Rock is the week after, John Fashenoo, famous non-goalkeeper Tommy Mooney, left winger Watford, 92, 96. Are you going to be okay? Tommy Mooney, left winger, Watford, 92, 96. Are you going to be okay?

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