Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #11 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

Holy shit tits there are no fucking gigs and there's about to be a fuck ton of pods. EMERGENCY HAW Pod for your soon to be locked down ass. We're going to get through this.The Patreon is: https://www.patreon.com/haveawordpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh my god! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm! What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure? Stay f***ing calm! Good morning, job seekers! On social media at HavawadPod, with video on YouTube, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Havawad with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Hello, Dave. Is that Dave?

No, there's no Uncle Dave here. Okay. Who the f*** is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! What was that? I've got a cough. I've got a cough.

Why didn't we set this up on Skype already, dickhead? What are you doing in my home touching things? Well, you know. Can I just say, you're doing in my home touching things well you know you can i just say you're not only my colleague and friend i think you're my hero you drove in a car on the roads you know did you practice metal honestly on with those dirty fellow road use you braved it you brave the m56 not just the traffic Bit of the M62 as well. About two miles I have to go on the M62 to get here. Then the nosely bypass.

Then the M56. He comes along and he wants to do a pod because he's got no fucking gigs. Oh, bloody hell, Adam. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. It's happening, isn't it? Fucking hell, kid.

I tell you what, the gigs are dropping out of my diary. This must be what it... You know, if you get accused of being a nonce, this is what happens to your diary. It just very quickly, like... Hull, April, Chiswick,

end of March. Is Chiswick still happening? You told me Chiswick was still in. That was two days ago and that's like a month ago in today's time,

isn't it? Well, our glorious leader, old Bojo, made sure that that's not happening this weekend. He probably doesn't want

dirty northerners coming spreading our fucking, like, muck down South. Like, oh my goodness, there's northern comedians in West London.

Shut it the fuck down. Yeah, so no, I'm not. That's the gigging. The gigs, the gigs are dropping. See, I've still got a couple in.

I've still got Hot Water Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow. And me Black Bill tour date on Thursday. All those venues are still open. Because they got balls. Yeah, they're just like, well, we... Because what Johnson did, what Boris Johnson did, and, you know, we're not a political podcast. We're not going to whatever, but...

Such a... So who did you say? Boris Johnson. Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch! And just for the record Cha!

Upset me! I will be playing that every time all Bojo's names mention from now on. Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch!

Yeah, a proper proper construct because what he's done is essentially he's he's looked after this insurance company mate tanny so at the minute if a venue shut it's technically of their own free will because he hasn't imposed a ban on live events told people not to go he's ripped the confidence away from it yeah but everyone's in supermarkets in schools yeah i think the government's going to get sued after this, you know, because what he's essentially done

as the leader of the country is said to everyone, do not go to pubs, but pubs you should stay open. So when pubs go bankrupt, who's liable for that? It's, he's,

Why didn't they just shut it down? Like, I'm not, because he's a selfish, horrible cunt. Char! Upset me shut it down? Like, I'm not... Because he's a selfish, horrible cunt. Char! Upset me, nasty bitch! Like, just shut it down.

I think everyone knows it's coming. Yeah. The fucking shutdown daily's on the way because the shutdown's coming. But, like, why specifically say, oh, don't go to those places? And then his fucking owl fellow was on Good Morning Britain or something today.

And, you know, Stanley Johnson, Boris's dad, and he's basically said, if I want to go to a pub, I will. Like, it doesn't apply to me. Because this is how

they fucking work, innit? That's how old people work, innit? Literally, I was in the co-op just near me, and it's like, over 70 year olds, don't go out. Honestly, you're in the danger zone

are you listening are you listening brian you're in the danger zone love and you can fuck off and there's the only people in that shop yesterday afternoon were over 70 year olds bitching you're like dickheads get home get home. What are you doing? Oh my God, what are you doing? Getting online shop on. Oh, that's right. Fucking work online ordering. It's going to be hard work, but they're the ones who,

they're as reckless as teenagers. They're like, oh, rubbish. Imagine if it goes that way though and it's just like 70 year old rebels. Rebels?

Rebels? The rebels? 70 year old rebels like just in the parks are they French rebels le rebel they're all shut down mate in fucking

Paris but imagine if it's just like you're just driving past parks and there's just like old men on the swings just like no

I'm not fucking staying in you're mad spitting and the teeth are coming out teenagers survive the war stop spitting on the park that's for kids survive the war i think i'll survive a cough and a fucking cold on on mobility scooters keep the motor running and oh no there's another biker gang of pensioners they roam the streets at night i spoke to me uncle he's uh i think he's like 68 or 69 like he's close to being offside like like his age is going to var on this fucking disease adam's uncle dan's granddad and he was like oh well they did this with they've done this loads

in the past they did it with the zika virus they did it with e oh well they did this with they've done this loads in the past they did it with the Zika virus they did it with Ebola they did it with MERS and everything and it was all just bullshit

it was like yeah but there was at no point with any of them did the world shut down for a week anyone who is citing that

they did they stopped the Premier League with oh yeah fuck all it's absolute bullshit I think it's a coping mechanism isn't it They stopped the Premier League with... Oh, yeah, fuck off. It's absolute bullshit.

I think it's a coping mechanism, isn't it? Like, we're all beasts, yeah, I'm fine. Just because coronavirus hasn't waggled its dick in your face yet, I've not seen it. Show me coronavirus. Where is it? Can I touch it? I can touch the Daily Mail.

I'll waft it away with the Daily Mail do you know what do you know what i keep seeing on online people going well does anyone know anyone who's got it does anyone know anyone who's got it do you know someone in your life got it well then why do you believe it then i'm like because i don't think idris elba and tom hanks are in on an illuminati plot idris el Elba, Tom Hanks, Michael Arteta, and Callum Hudson and Doi. I don't think they were called up to the fucking Elder Lizard meeting.

They're like, right guys, we're trying to lock the population down and we need four people of fame. Weird meeting. Also, I've never met a lottery winner, but I still play it. Do you know what I mean? You're a lunatic, Daniel. weird meeting also I've never met a lottery winner but I still play it do you know what I mean what you just

you're a lunatic Daniel it's fucking it's the Illuminati £2.50 a time for EuroMillions have you ever met a EuroMillions winner eh

think on ridiculous fucking disgusting disgusting I think it's time to acknowledge that this is a serious fucking thing. It's as we say, taking the piss and laughing.

Well, we've got to, haven't we? Like, let's be clear. It's the only gear I've got, Adam. We were talking about this before we put it on. We had a little pre-chat, which we don't normally do, but, like, there's people who are making podcasts at the minute and there's some people who are like, well, I'm not going to mention it at all on me podcast, and it's like, well,

that's going to get a bit fucking tedious when you're just pretending it's not happening at all, we need to be a bit engaged with this, but we've still got to handle it the way we do, we can't become the news and the doom and gloom podcast, we're going to be doing this every fucking day soon, we've got to reference it, we don't want it to be all about that it's still going to be the have a way podcast but we need to have our finger on the pulse a bit we can't just be like fingers in our la la la la la la la would you rather be a unicorn or a dragon i'd rather granddad didn't die never mind that shut up totally and also there's there's a time when it's going to be it's part of the like the collective thinking isn't it it's still relevant when brexit first got announced it's

funny because i wrote a brexit bit a month before the vote it was working okay a couple of comics had brexit bits then it happened all the remainers went what what? And it became reality. And within three months, every cunt had a Brexit bit. Same as me. I'm not chastising them. Within a year, you had to have a fucking really good Brexit bit. Yeah, because if you said the word Brexit, you felt the whole room of 200 people go. And now you say it and people are like, sure, don't fuck it up.

And this weekend, just gone, because I gigged in Leeds. Take a risk. Live your life. Am I going to get paid? Probably not. If you just had the loosest of bits about coronavirus, the crowd were like, it's so relevant. And that'll happen with the pod by next week.

If we're like, the week after next, if we've done seven pods already, I can assure you, no one's going to want to hear it. We're not going to want to fucking talk about it all the time. No. But the only bit... But we can't just pretend it's not fucking happening. Well, it's the Shutdown Daily podcast.

What are we shut down from? Doesn't matter. Shh! Secrets. Can I just say big up at the minute to a few people? The Comedy Store in Manchester, London, and Hot Water in Liverpool, because I had a couple of outdated invoices that i hadn't sent and they paid me straight away and anyone

who runs a business at the minute if you are like a freelancer or something a bit of money we're gonna be fucked for a couple of months get them paid like if you've got the money there put it in the bank i nearly sent an email this morning to go hey how you doing i was gonna send one of those emails to someone who i promoted that was me who just to be like you're all right with everything and i wasn't going to mention the invoice i was gonna be like you okay is everyone all right in your family hoping that they responded like yeah and then be like okay second email you know that money that i definitely want and if there's a shutdown and you've not paid me when they release the shutdown and i come out my house it's with a fucking knife and it's coming to i'm literally gonna come and threaten you don't fuck with people who are

self-employed because we're all staring down like a fucking really scary barrel so yeah man it's uh it's fine though and how were your gigs this week and we all right like there was a bit of a jovial spirit around everywhere you know what so uh well i was with you sunday and but before that friday and saturday i was at hot water in liverpool i had the weekend there it do you know what so well I was with you Sunday but before that Friday and Saturday I was at Hot Water in Liverpool I had the weekend there and you know

there was four shows Friday night and there was six shows on Saturday oh god that's bad isn't it business is down there well on a Saturday only five of them

were completely sold out the other one had like six no shows when will the circuit get back on its feet Hot Water in Liverpool if you don't know by the way if you're if you're new to the podcast and you've not heard us mention it basically you know um you you know there's the thing that you think of as a comedy club well hot water done

change the fucking game like yeah probably don't have one show on a saturday that seems wasteful we'll have two at five o'clock two at seven seven, two at half nine. Five venues. Fucking amazing. Five shows. And so... Six. Five sold out. Yeah, okay. It's tough times, isn't it?

But there was a proper, like... Maybe this is me just looking through it with, you know, sort of a coloured vision, but, like, there was a proper sort of rebellious atmosphere in the air. It felt like we're here and we're not meant to be yeah yeah it felt like an underground secret thing you know like in prohibition when people used to go to speakeasies and get a bevy and that was exciting it was really exciting they was that was the best weekend i've done at hot water in about six months it was just and the bill was amazing

it was phil nickel alistair barry me paul Paul Smith Compa and just a fire fire fire build from start to finish and obviously Hot Water's like because of everything with the online stuff they've done

it's an exciting place for most people to go because it's not like your local comedy club and it's just you know Claire's birthday and we're all going for that

people come from all around every time I gig there it's a tourist attraction who's from there Stockton on Tees Preston someone's come up from gloucester someone flew from canada this weekend yeah well no wonder then that add on the fact that you're doing that sort of that's not rebellious but it's exciting you're being you're being a little bit reckless and it's and i also think there's a little scouse working class mentality there. It was like, fucking 17 quid, mate.

I'm not letting me 17 quid go just because of a fucking virus, all right? I've paid for my ticket. I'm getting my seat. Yeah. I'm getting four Coronas from the bar. Four Coronas.

That'll be cheaper than normal. Four Corona. Oh. Oh, yeah. It's funny, isn't it? Someone tweeted a picture of a guy with, am I right?

There was like a Chinese guy holding a four pack of Corona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a picture of a guy with, am I right? It was like a Chinese guy holding a four pack of Corona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a picture of him. I was like, dude. Yeah, like, look. Don't do. I understand that on a very basic level to take that photo of a Chinese man holding a case of Corona at the minute is a bit racist.

I get that. But if you're a Chinese man at the minute and you're walking the streets with a case of corona you fucking know exactly what you're doing you know exactly what you're doing and you know what i fucking love it he was bouncing around liverpool with a case of corona at like one o'clock in the morning i was like mate come on i tell you what's a great way to get a bit of space on the pavement get away did you hear the voice yeah i did yeah but i'm so desensitized to you doing asian voices now they just he promised to kill myself wow oh crazy oh jeez and i'd just like to say there was a lot of people who listened to the podcast

who came out to the Frog and Bucket on Sunday night and seen my tour show. Obviously, you were there with me. It was a fantastic night, and I'm just very, very grateful that people came out and supported it. I know at the minute we don't know what to do, whether we should carry on or whether we should, and the government's now advising us to stay in,

but not making sure that we stay in. The government useless at the minute and just a nasty bitch um i'm just very very grateful that people came out and watched the show um despite all the the fear out there at the minute and i'm very very grateful for any support i get at this time yeah it's great and it was a great atmosphere as well it was really really good it was my favourite night of the tour so far and thanks to everyone who also came out last week in Aberdeen and Glasgow there was a lot of

podcast fans in both of those cities as well so yeah big thanks to everyone who's gone out over the past week and you know

at the minute I think we're looking towards shutdown where every major event like this is going to get cancelled but at the minute at the minute

Hot Water Comedy Club in Linfield is still open and I'm going to be there tonight and tomorrow and I will be in Blackpool on Thursday and I might even be at Hot Water at the weekend because if they're still open and there's comedians cancelling, I think I'm going to be there quite a lot. And I understand that there's a,

there's also like a bit of snapback on that about you being irresponsible, it's disgusting, you should shut down. And I know that's a minority of people, but when you're self-employed and you all of a sudden have all your gigs taken away, like whole April, Chiswick, end of March, you're going, what the fuck?

Like three weeks ago, everyone's planning the summer holidays and like, okay, it's fine the summer holidays and like okay it's fine because that money's going to be owed by that person and then and then it's just ripped away to turn around and go i think it's really irresponsible that you're ignoring government guidelines and going to these clubs you're like give us a fucking break and i don't broadcast this like i it's just been announced just before we started recording that france macron in france the the sort of i think he's prime minister or President of France, I don't know what they use there, but he's announced mortgages, rent, and utilities

all under government control now. You don't have to pay your rent or your mortgage. Utilities are going to be provided by the government. You can't go out. It's on lockdown, but you're going to be okay. No business has to pay their business rates. They've covered it. They've gone, look, it's a fucking nightmare,

a global nightmare. Oh, mate. Just shut everything down. Trey fucking Pianelad. Our government's not done that. It's going to. It's going to happen. It's going to have to,

but I don't know whether our government will take that level of responsibility. We'll see. They've got to. Well, we'll see. They've got, you can't, otherwise there's going to be panic in the streets of Roncorn.

And I don't broadcast this, but my missus is completely out of work at the minute. My dad is both very, very sick and on benefits. My little brother's out of work. I'm going to have to look after them. I've got a little tiny bit of money squirreled away that'll last a couple of weeks at best. And I'm not even allowed to suck a dick anymore.

No? Let me suck your dick. I'll suck your dick for flat dollar. You're just going to have to deal with one on a bus. What? Hang on. Now that I'm thinking about this, all that's got to happen for flat data you're just going to have to deal with one on a bus what hang on now that I'm thinking about this all that's got to happen what else do you want

taken care of like Netflix come on it's public service do you know if Netflix I think it absolutely made it free from now

till the end of this malarkey by the end of it when Netflix is like right dudes I'm glad we got through this but it's going back up to 12 quid a month

I think people are like fuck I've not finished Better Call Saul it'd be like it'd be like literally online streaming heroin like you want to

take some of my heroin yeah yeah and then shit it's not free no more I think Netflix should be like a drug deal and just give someone the first one

oh hey come on hey you're scared it's weird isn't it but don't worry about it Ozark season 3 is coming out. Have a little bit. Oh, you like Jason Bateman? Oh, he's interesting.

Yeah, you like the cinematography. Now I want 12 motherfucking pounds. I had an idea as well, by the way, that we can do from our Twitter account, which is over a thousand followers now. Thank you very much for everyone who's following us. We've got a lot of mates, stand-up comedians, who've got albums and specials and stuff

so i think we're going to do a tweet later on just for the shutdown people are going to need to keep entertained we'll do a little tweet and uh anyone any of our colleagues that we like can just reply to it with a link to their special or something yeah and there'll be loads of content for our followers to enjoy so if you see a a tweet from i have a word pod with a links to comedians with specials out that i don't know if they've got like a whatever if you've got a go for me or whatever if it's just free content you can from that deduce who we don't fucking like because no are going on that tweet so just be ready oh i see these names but where are the other names david pricks man david pricks those motherfuckers be bullshit

oh man now it's time for would you rather with your favorite morons adam and dan It's time for the would you rather section. You're murdering the start of all these sections. Oh, two options that neither of them are good. Right. But you have to pick one. Death is not an option. For me, before you freestyle these songs, at least think about what lyrics are coming out

because the notage is hard enough but when you pause and go i can't think of a word okay i've got it i've got it you ready go on it's time for would you rather with adam and dan send us horrible questions and we'll answer them it's time for would you rather with adam and Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan It's a bellend He's one of the most successful bellends in British comedy

This is it This is the end of the fucking world and I'm with this lid I'm going to answer these all of them doing me Mike Tyson

impression Can I just say we got this email from Harry Robinson now Okay Loads of people send in Would You Rathers Pick up Harry Robinson now. Okay. Loads of people sending would-you-rathers.

Pick up Harry Robinson. I am the would-you-rather minister. I'm the minister for would-you-rathers. So for those who don't know that, yeah, Dan handles all the would-you-rathers. I handle all the have-a-words now. We've split it. So if you get just read into what I'm into, because my Harry Robinson fucking touche, mate. You've just toned it. I'm into. Because Harry Robinson,

fucking touche, mate. You've just toned it. I'm not saying this will be the best Would You Rather ever, but he set the right tone. Instead of, would you fuck a squirrel with your mum's tit or shoot a fucking badger with your dad's dick? For fuck's sake. Animals.

You really don't like picturing fucking your mum, do you? No. What, my mum that died in 1997? Not mad, K. Listen.

Call me a weirdo. So old-fashioned grandad Daniel. Do you know, it's actually, mate, as as being a comedian when you've got a dead man if people are listening going oh dead man you could do it mate it's water off a duck's back yeah if my mum had literally just come off the phone with me i'd find it more offensive would you take your mum's dick and stick it in your dad's ear Yeah like I've Do you know what's really funny this is true So my mum died in 2014

2013 sorry and it was quite sudden She was an alcoholic she was in hospital In intensive care for like a year Come out she was out for about 6-9 months And then she passed away in her sleep Because Sorry Very sudden And obviously the day that happens there's a lot of like friends coming

around family coming around for a drink and whatever um and uh we went to pub in the afternoon went with me dad me mom's sister me auntie me brother a couple of my cousins whatever and i had one of the funniest moments of my life right because my best mate Carl who we've mentioned on this podcast a million times Carl Regler currently stuck out in Japan I don't think I'm coming to see you mate I'll be on the street yeah um he lives out there and I had a trip planned I don't think it's happening enjoy the Olympics though that's definitely oh that's right um we're in the pub and I I said something like uh i'd love to have a game of fifa later on and carl just on autopilot went i'll have a game of fifa with your mat and i had to stop himself

and oh mate it made me so happy because he went he went a combination of so pale white and so bright red he looked like a fucking drumstick lollipop. He was fucking so gutted and embarrassed. And the whole table, me dad, me mum's sister, me and my little brother and me cousins, who'd just lost someone we loved so much, were so happy this happened.

And he's like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean... I was just... I've had a pint. I was just an autopilot. You know what people say? Too soon? I think at the wake.

Yeah? Yeah, maybe. I mean, I think we're pretty resilient as comedians, sense of humour-wise. Rigor Mortis hadn't even fucking set in. Major, your mum joke. On the day we were having a drink to sort of toast her death.

I'll have a gimme a FIFA with your mother. And it was literally like he'd started fucking buffering. He was just. I've got a really funny story from when my mum died. Oh, that's right. There is no funny stories.

My mum died. Anyway. There is no funny stories. My mum died. Anyway, anyway. If you're the type of person who, just because your mum's dead, you can't take a mum joke. Because mum jokes aren't about your mum. They're about the mum. Do you know what I mean?

If you have a dead anything, and you can't, like, if you have a dead mum, and you can't take a dead mum joke, it's not that you're like, hang on, I think jokes are really funny my mom's dead you're just the same type of cunt that goes i i love comedy apart from when it's about heart attacks because my gaga died of a heart attack i i don't think comedy about a stub toe is funny because once i really hurt my time just shut the

fuck up you've either got a sense of humour or you're not you're allowed a grace period yeah yeah yeah do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah you'll have a grieving period

which Carl was very much well yeah Carl love you to bits but there are some people who take it like do you know

when I I'm sure a few people who listen watch the I did roast battle and the girl I battled Mais Maisie Adam, made some jokes about my mum and the fact she was an alcoholic and the fact she was dead and I told

Maisie anything goes, there's a lad who I went to school with who is a bit of a gangster, I can't name him but he's like, he's a gangster drugs, guns, a lot of it, he's dead sound but you know, dodgy guy and he messaged me and said just watch Roast Battle lad, thought you were fucking great just to let you know, thought you and he messaged me and said just watch roast but a lad thought

you were fucking great just let you know thought you went a bit far with those mum jokes if you needed to disappear just drop me a text oh my god cheers mate nice nice for you to get in contact and uh she is an alternative comedian based in london and i don't think yeah you're not in the same world oh yeah and again this is a great thing about being on episode 11 I think everyone that listens

that's into this just gets it do you know what this is why oh my god I've had a boss idea what I want more submissions

because we need more submissions because we're doing this we're going to be doing this often I want your best ma joke sentence really there's a little pause I was like where going to be doing this often I want your best Ma jokes sent in really there's a little pause I was like

where are you going with this Adam I want who's dead our new who's dead and how did they die to be honest I think it's going to start

taking over the show in about a month no but mum jokes everyone in Hull original mum jokes get them in to have a weirdpod at gmail.com. We want, at this stage, we want fucking any submissions, don't we? We've got our regular features.

We've got your drunk stories, your hangover stories, your would-you-rathers, have-a-words. Weirdest place you've ever played. You've cracked one out. Did you see the guy who got angry about that? Because I tweeted yesterday from the account and said, look, we're going to be doing a lot of these podcasts. We need a lot of submissions.

We need your drunk hangover. We need have-a-words and we need would-you-rathers. And someone replied and said, have you already got rid of the wanking one? Because I've got a great one. He was like pissed off that he hadn't got his fucking weirdest wanking. If you send in anything to have-a-word-pod at gmail.com,

I can assure you, if this fucking shutdown happens and drags on, we'll be like, uh, yeah. So what we've got is, this is from Emily. She went to Greg's and ordered a steak bacon.

They give her a chicken one. She doesn't like chicken. Awful. Nice to hear from Emily. A guy got in touch and I, I'm so sorry. I've, I've forgotten his name.

Uh, he's, he sent in, oh, brilliant. Simon, Simon Edgington great shout

he basically is so into the pod he's seen the shutdown dailies come in we've said we need more content and he's got an idea

this is cool like we're trying to lead you with what we want but if you've got an idea or you think you'd like to tell us something or you've got something you want to ask us

or someone to talk about he's got a gents an idea for the daily pod you two get to pass verdict and sentence over domestic disputes of which there will be a limitless supply during this crisis oh my god he's a genius simon both sides have to submit their side of the story and get the piss ripped out of them verdict given an amusing sentence passed a natural extension of have a word yeah okay now oh my god like like let's just say right now that's gonna be the new name of the podcast that's gonna replace have a word domestic disputes couples court oh you know what domestic disputes is better because it's not just gonna be your your partner. It's going to be your fucking mum.

We'd like to say your mum. Your mum. We're still in the grey spirit. Your mum. Is she with us? Your mum, RIP. Your dad, your brother, your fucking... Some people are going to be locked down with their housemates. Yeah, oh, that's an awful thought, isn't it?

That's going to be marred. Yes. I honestly think this is one of the things from this. Relationships are going to be in trouble here. There's going to be so much. We'll all come out like blinking in June. They're like, oh my God, there's fucking pregnancies everywhere. There's also going to be a lot of babies in December.

Divorces all over the show. Really? Six months? Fuck it. I thought you were like, I thought you did your math there. Because you're good at math. I know you did. It's March.

Nine months is December. In my head I was like, six months. now it's nine months then i know fucking hell i just said june and december i was like christ almighty is that is that what lockdown rations are gonna do we only fucking stockpile penguin biscuits and we've had the kid after six months um yeah i we definitely want some of them so if you've got like certain attack you go like we're gonna get on each other's nerves like i i get on my my bird's nerves anyway and she drives me fucking mad like i think for us to be together forever we're gonna have to have different post codes at some point to be honest with you and this incubation period we were just in the same house

in the same four walls for a long period of time. If your partner, your son, your ma, whoever you're living with, is doing your head in with something, but they think you're in the wrong, get them in and we'll decide for you who's being the cunt. Shut down daily domestic disputes. Yes. Fucking, that's a mouthful. But we've got the time to fill. Yeah.

I really think there's going to be some people who, you know, there was a part of me thinking, people listen to this podcast on their commutes. And I was like, well, they want to sort of put their earphones in and sit somewhere for an hour doing something else, ignoring the people. I was like, oh, fuck, yeah, they will. Oh, yeah. This could really take off.

Yeah. And people are working from home. You've got to remember that. People are going to be working. We've had so many messages from people who are like, I cannot wait for this to go daily. Like, I think people are actually spreading the virus on purpose anyway that's an amazing suggestion so shut down daily domestic disputes they're not going to kick off yet but they're on the cards yeah get them in yeah harry robinson sorry harry that we went on a

15 minute tangent absolute bel. Belting though. Harry Robinson, we're just going to do yours actually. Cause I've got, we've got loads, but I, uh, let's deal with yours.

Would you rather, uh, would you rather be quarantined, shut down with a deaf, blind, mute. I'm going to add person, Harry,

cause it looks a bit brutal that you've just been like you know one of them a deaf blind mute they can't hear, see or talk they can't hear, see or talk they're a fucking nightmare with coronavirus knocking them out and they're very touchy can I read your face

but they can't even say can I read your face they can write it down just I read your face I think I'm writing it down just like that pen or Piers Morgan ooh I think Piers

because I reckon we could come out the end of it and Piers wouldn't be as much of a cunt we could actually talk him we could actually take him through his ideas and tell him why he's wrong you know it's a really weird thing because it's happened twice this week where i've agreed with pierce morgan tweets i'm like it's mad what the fuck is this oh shit oh god that's a good point isn't it it feels weird you're like oh yeah because like he's seen as such a, like, not on our team guy all the time. And, like, he's backed Boris Johnson.

Sorry, sorry. Jar! I said me, nasty bitch! For so long, and, you know, like, but now he's proper calling some of the bullshit out. And I think it's because he's old and fat, and he's worried he might die. So now he's finally at risk.

He's like, actually, we need to do something about these Tories. And he owns a restaurant. He'll have a, I've got shells in two restaurants.

Well, it's going to be brutal when Katie Hopkins comes out, by the way. Upset me. When Katie Hopkins comes out.

That soundbite was offensive for Katie Hopkins. Nasty bitch. When she, when she comes out and goes, to tweet, guys, first of all,

what about self-employed performers, actors and comedians? I think they really need some form of insurance paid for the next few months. You'd be like, and then she follows it all with, and I really think Liverpool should be awarded the title. They're so far ahead.

You'd be like, you fucking, it's a good point though, isn't it? If Katie Hopkins erm comes out and supports that Liverpool

should be handed the title I will join UK that's my price I will become a paid member of the UK independence party

or the Brexit party whichever one she wants and I will vocally support that party forever if she can somehow get the premier league to give us the title i will do fucking anything at this stage because let's be honest there might not be any football for a while and i just like it maybe the football's gone forever and if we get given the title then we're forever the champions that's

it so yeah Casey Hopkins Boris Johnson you want my support you want to be backed by Havowood you want to sponsor Havowood get the Premier League

to give us the fucking title it's just right innit I can't Piers Morgan you can't spend any time with that bellend at least you know so and so

with his deaf he's blind he's mute he's not going to do your editing is he he he's blind he's mute he's not going to do your edin is he he's not going to be like he's not going to like pass you a little note like put something else on netflix but what you know because he's because he can't do netflix on his death yeah but what why and a mute yeah but he's also mute so he wouldn't be going no but i'm trying to...

That was the voice. That was the vocal for what he wrote down. But why is that in that voice? All right, okay. I will write in the... So, a deafblind mute person, in their head, how do they sound? Adam!

They don't write in, like, big quill, like... Adam, would you change the channel? The colours of whatever you're watching flicker on my eyelids. I mean, look, I think... I think it's a close call. Oh, Piers Morgan's house is big, though. Oh, hang on. Yeah, if we're in their house, in my head,

Piers was coming round to us. Oh, we're going round Piers's, mate. Oh, yeah,. Yeah, if we're in their house, in my head, Piers was coming round to us. Oh, we're going round Piers's, mate. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fucking great. Yeah, that'd be boss. Big six-bedroom house. Yeah, I bet he's got a PlayStation as well. Oh, and he gives off all the cocaine vibes, doesn't he, Piers?

Like, oh, God, it's going to be a bloody nightmare being locked down. I'd get into drugs. Oh, fuck. I'm not into drugs. I've got half a kilo. I'd be like, oh god, it's going to be a bloody nightmare being locked down. I'd get into drugs. Oh, fuck. I'm not into drugs. I've got half a kilo. I'd be like, fucking hell, Pierce. Let's see if we can do the whole shutdown without sleeping. Meanwhile, at Pierce Morgan's quarantine...

A 24-hour shutdown daily podcast. Just live streaming a fucking rave. Me, you and Pierce Morgan, off our head on fucking beacon tablets. Oh, you and Piers Morgan off our head on fucking beacon tablets. Oh, God. Right. Piers came out of that one well.

I mean, that's the bit, isn't it? Harry's trying to lead us to go any fucking anyone. I'd rather look after someone with a severe disability than hang out with Piers Morgan. But Piers Morgan's got a big TV, though, hasn't he? Yeah.

Would you rather be a lad with a micro-penis or a girl with a mega-clit? Oh, my God. And that's the end of the coronavirus chat. Now we're on to mega-clit. Do you know why I've read that out? Because I didn't even know. I've heard the phrase micro-penis.

I don't know if Harry Robinson's made up mega-clit, but it sounds like a bad guy from Transformers. It doesn't sound like a medical term, does it? Fuck a megaclit. I can't imagine a woman going to see a gynecologist. Do the gynecologist voice. I love it when you do voices. So, thank you for coming in.

Yes, doctor, thank you. Thank you for seeing me at such... This has been a problem for a while, thank you. So we've ran some tests. Should I put my knickers back on? No, you can leave them on. Oh, is this the result? Sorry, I should have asked before I cut my knickers off.

Yes, no, keep them off, it's fine. It's difficult to get them back on. Exactly, I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Okay, thank you, doctor. We've taken some photos, some videos. We've shown it to, we've got several second opinions on this. We've had like 15 opinions from doctors around the world. And I'm really sorry to tell you.

Only fans? Sorry, go on. That might be your only option from now on. Okay. You might be your own porn category. Because you're the first woman in the world who we're going to diagnose with a mega clit. Okay. woman in the world who we're going to diagnose with a mega clit okay so what that basically means is your clit is so enormous we can't call it a big clit or an enlarged clitoris oh that's now that's medical a big clit sorry sorry yes thank you it's a sensitive time. It's not an enlarged clitoris,

because that would be between four and seven centimetres long. Yours is 18 inches. So if you'd like me to put that in layman's terms for you, you have a clit the size of a foot-long subway and another six-inch subway. And the only way... An 18-inch clit is not a mega-cl mega clit it's a third leg in it that's like that's where's that how big how wide is it oh god it's too graphic i regret asking that last

question micro penis though oh dear micro brewery lovely micro penis hard work i think i'd rather be a woman with a megaclip. Yeah, man. Because you'd just tuck it away. No, you wouldn't. You'd just be like, come on, daddy. Do your ting. Slap of the base.

Where's she from? Slap of the base. Coventry. Slap of the base. And also, the good thing is, no men. Get ready for some banter. This is going to be some prize money. No man can claim that.

You can't find it. You can't find it. You can find this one. Thank you. You can find this one because it's tucked behind my ears. You can find this one. You're sleeping on it, motherfucker. I don't have pillows.

Yeah, having a micropenis has got to be the worst thing in the world, hasn't it? It's probably not good it It's probably not good It's probably not good Do you know anyone Who's got one I'm just trying to Sympathise with someone I'm not

All joking aside That's the You know Because you just can't Do anything with it With a big clit though Slap it a bit Yeah with a big clit

It's just easier To make you come out You could never Yeah Yeah You don't have to do All the little fiddling With a finger Just slap it full With your hand Get a fucking Get a badminton racket Never. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to do all the little fiddling with the finger.

Just slap it full with your hand. Get a fucking badminton racket. That's how mama like it. You survived the car crash, Mrs. Jones. The airbags didn't deploy, but you seem to be fine. Because mama got a big clit. It ain't no big clit. It ain't no enlarged clitoris.

It's a diagnosed mega clit. Disgusting! Would you rather... Oh, Harry. Are these all from Harry? These three, honestly. Hat trick. Would you rather have free alcohol for the rest of your life,

but the hangover lasts for twice as long and is twice as bad, or never have a hangover again of any sort? You're literally right as rain, fresh as a daisy, ready to go, but you have to pay five times as much for any alcoholic drink. Oh, man. That one. Second one. Second one.

Because I just buy all my alcohol from shops, which is roughly about the fifth of a price of what they charge in the pub anyway. Right. And then just go to the park with my mates all the time. What the fuck? Yeah. Did Adam, who, did 16-year-old Adam just answer that question? I just go, like, get someone to get served for us,

and then I go to the park and it don't matter. Yeah, but that wasn't the best drinking time of your life when you were 16 in the park, but now you don't need someone to get served for you, you can just go in and get it yourself. Oh, also, do you remember when you couldn't be hungover because you're like 16 like oh my god we were wasted i feel fucking great it's it's this is the perfect thing yeah absolutely that one how much do you spend when you go for it you get lit up on a weekend well how much you spend well i

don't do coke or anything so like all of mine goes on alcohol the most i've ever spent in one night was 300 quid. Right. On a combination of me and buying, like, women's drinks or whatever. Like, I was single at the time. Okay, good. So this was, like, four nights ago. It's Christmas. So that night would have been 1,500.

Yeah. Fucking hell. I wouldn't have been there. Because I'd be in the park. Yeah, no, so you just wouldn't go out again. No, 60 quid. Because I've been there? Because I've been in the park? Yeah, no, so you just wouldn't go out again? No. 60 quid. So 60 quids worth of alcohol in the park would cost me 300, like, that's three bottles of liquor.

Yeah. Adam, who is going drinking with you in a fucking park in the middle of winter? Me, mate. All the 70-year-olds who don't give a fuck about the coronavirus. Carl's in Japan, mate. all the 70 year olds who don't give a fuck about the coronavirus called in Japan mate

so but I honestly I get it because the temptation is to be like I don't want to be hungover anymore my hangovers are rancid exactly

I tried to pay for a hotel for an afternoon I tried to pay 80 quid for four extra hours in a fucking hotel in Leicester just a month ago because I was like but I spent that night I checked the bank

in I spent 80 quid and I was like oh okay it's fine it's all right we weren't drinking any more expensive if that had been 400 I'd have been like Laura that's that's not easy is it no but like imagine if the hangover was how many times worse worse is it? Five times worse? No, just twice as bad. Twice as bad, but for twice as long as well. Yeah, that'd have been pretty bad. So that'd be like a six-day hangover for you, twice as bad as it was. Oh.

Exactly. Come to park, lad. That's where we'll do the podcast from. Are we doing another live date? Yeah, we'll do a live date in Crocky Park Donny Dome Dan's Garage Crocky Park

I don't know where Crocky Park is But it doesn't sound like I'm taking equipment there mate I'm Croxteth Croxteth Croxteth Park in Liverpool Soxteth and Croxteth Yeah they're quite far away though They're not that close

A place with such a strong accent would give its place names an easier... You know what I mean? Easier to say. What would you call it? Croxteth and Toxteth. What would you call it? Tock Park. Tocktown Park.

And Crocktown Park. Yeah, but now say them in a Scouse accent. It's just as bad. Tochtown and Crochtown. Exactly. Croxteth. No, come on. Croxteth and Toxteth.

Yeah, but we don't say Croxteth. We say Croccy and Tocky. Croc we don't say Croxteth we say Croccy and Tocky Croccy yeah Croccy Park Croccy Park where are you from lad

Croccy did you not see Ross Kempon Gangs in Liverpool oh my god it was fantastic did you just go down Croccy

yeah so there was there's the Croccy crew and the Nogger Dogs Norris Greens there's what there's what I wasn't a racial slayer

there's the dyslexic racist? The Nogger Dogs? There's an alien in Liverpool called Norris Green. Their gang's called the Nogger Dogs. There's a crockster. I hate block people. What was that, Brian? Crocky school.

Won't play Minecraft. Crocky crew. And yet they... Camp went and interviewed them and I think he looked more scared there than he did in Baghdad war-torn Iraq Ross Camp I'm in croaky

with the nuggets that's how it's pronounced the nogger dogs why are they called the nogger dogs because they're from Norris Green Nogsy

oh of course they're from Norris Green sure for that is Nogsy and an extension of that Nogger Dogs

Norrie Norrie Dogs why is it not Norrie Dogs because they're not from Norris Green they're from Nogsy why is

Nogsy isn't Norris Green quite nice no oh is it not Norrie dogs? Because they're not from Norris Green, they're from Nogsy. Why is Nogsy... Isn't Norris Green quite nice? No. Oh, is it not? It sounds nice though, doesn't it? What were you fucking... What was the Dovecoat Mafia called? There wasn't one.

It was just the choir. It was just... It's just the local church choir. Dovey Heads. I'm sorry? The Dovey Heads? The Dovey Heads? Yeah.

Where you grew up is not hard is it no the fucking knocker dogs and the the crocky soldiers and the Dovey heads

we smell of soap no Dovey's a bit rough but it like is it we haven't that's where Ross Kemp

stayed in a hotel so it's not that rough sorry I wish you could see dovey do you know what's really funny i lived in dovecot slash dovey when um just before i moved to chester and when i moved to chester i was living with danny mclaughlin a friend of ours who uh in the build-up to it was like i'm just gonna warn you the area of the chest that i live in is quite a rough area of chester and i was like he did the same thing to me back in the day like this is a rough bit i was like all right sound and then he picked me up from my auntie's where i was living at the time in

dovey and as he picked me up i went so uh the area we're gonna live in is quite rough and he went not compared to this lad no no and i went what, what do you mean? He went, well, they've got a fucking speedboat and they haven't got a gate. Yeah. It's so true. It's so true. When I first moved to Chester, my mate did the same thing in town. She was like, this is the rough bit of town.

I was like, first of all, Claire, your town is tiny. So, literally, if I can throw a stone from the rough bit of town to the posh bit of town i don't think there's much difference you know you know what i mean it's not it doesn't get from like oh it's baghdad down frodsham street but once you get to paper chase it gets really nasty like it's just fucking ridiculous and also you walk around going there is no rough bit of a really nice town and just to quantify that you can run into Bell Ends anywhere

yeah sister of my friends just got beaten up in Lytham Stans which is on the Fylde coast and you look at Lytham you're like

oh my god it's just nannas having cups of tea I asked Danny what he meant by it was rough because we lived on Ehrman Road

in Chester which is the Ehrman Road the Ehrman and I went what do you mean it's rough he went well

there's a fucking Russian fella over there who smokes weed sometimes I'll tide his house I was like what do you mean by it's rough? He went, well, there's a fucking Russian fella over there who smokes weed sometimes. I tied his house. I was like, and that's rough, is it? At least he's smoking away from his children and keeping them healthy. Listen, you've got to be very careful on this street

because I know for a fact, at number 73, they take the daily mirror. They take the mirror. So just be careful. Oh, God forbid we get a sun reader. Number 32 have not paid their council tax in six months and they're refusing to answer the door to the TV licence, man. All I'm saying is, I'm not saying it's a ghetto,

but that fucking family across the road, it takes them up to 12 hours to take the green and grey bin in. Horrific people. Great. Harry Robinson, this one goes out for you, bro. That was exceptional work from everyone here i have a word i've never we've never read out three would you rather this from one person no nice one hang on did we answer the question i just quit drinking oh yeah well i did answer the question i answered straight away yeah you did no i'm gonna drink five times as often

no i'm gonna i'm gonna drink a five times as often. No, I'm going to drink five times the price, but in the park. No hangover. Can I ask you a question about the booze, about boozing? Do you, what have you done? Have you stocked up any booze for home? I've got quite a lot of alcohol in the house anyway. Oh yeah, yeah, because you collect alcohol. Yeah, I've got like loads of bottles of whiskey and gin and shit.

I'm going to be sad on me, mate. That just made me laugh, like, I collect alcohol alcohol in my tummy it's called the drink problem uh all right okay good let's uh let's crack this fucker on let's crack on with this nonsense oh well i just feel like we're surviving here adam we're doing okay we're just getting through you Are you feeling good? I do. I feel great. I feel really good because I'm getting to do what I love. This is what I love doing. I'm genuinely going to miss comedy

if it goes away for a bit. I'm going to miss it. Thank fuck we started this when we did because this has become my other work base. I mean, my wife's going to want to say, you know, family and children. Masha'Allah. But they're great as well but

um but this i'm so glad we get to do this and i'm glad that jokingly two weeks ago we went fuck if there's a shutdown we'll do a shutdown daily two weeks ago that seemed like such a fucking ridiculous possibility that we were like we were like we'll just say it because that'll never happen and no one would want it anyway But it turns out almost everyone who listens to this fucking thing, we've had so much correspondence, Twitter, emails, Facebook, Instagram, the amount of messages we've had going, well, when's the fucking daily one coming? When's it coming?

And we've sort of, we finally got an answer for that. Yeah, it's happening. It is happening. Because we haven't got gigs. This is what we want to be doing. Like, we will go insane without performing to some level. And this is a very low-level performance, isn't it? It's a performative conversation.

Like, normally, if I go on holiday, I think I might have said this on the pod before, if I go on holiday with Jade for a week, on the day before we're coming back, and she can see our mitchin to do a gig she's like the day we get home you're going straight to hot water i don't know i don't care how long you do just get on stage and fucking talk because you're starting to do me fucking head in all right i've never had more than two weeks off i can't do it so in 18 years i haven't

i haven't had two weeks away from it and sometimes you're gigging the weirdest thing is it's a funny relationship it's like any job you love it doesn't mean like we're like dancing down the fucking motorway going brilliant a gig in telford like there are times when it's a job yeah but you take it away and all of a sudden there's a lot of comics talking about oh i'm worried about money and oh i'm worried about venues surviving and you're, I'm sad that I don't get to do the thing that I fucking feel like is the best thing I do. Yeah, it's going to be a very, very odd time. But we are going to try in that time to use all our creative energy

on this fucking thing. And it's at this stage, we're going to sort of lay out the plan of how we're going to do that. So this is an extra episode. As you'll know, normally comes out on Friday. You're getting this on Tuesday. And if you've listened to it a couple of days later, this did come out on Tuesday.

Thank you very much for listening as always. You're still going to get your regular Friday episode this week. We're going to record that in a couple of days. That'll go out on Friday as normal. Friday morning, it'll be out. Guaranteed, it's coming. Now, we're going to start doing a shutdown daily from next monday because that's when we expect that this country the country's not shut down yet is it

there's still the option to go out and do some stuff there's still some businesses open there's still a lot of up in the air because the government are not fucking leading so there's still a lot of people in co-op going what's a load of bollocks but we think within a week that's going to change again so we are not fear-mongering no i think a lot of people are going to be shut down they're either going to self-isolate or work from home so it's going to start happening properly and once the country's in full shutdown that's when we said we'd do it we're now expecting that to be next monday so we've now put a plan in place for us from next Monday which will be the 23rd of March you will get a daily

have a word podcast now they might be a bit shorter than normal they might be 45 minutes to an hour maybe an hour and five we're normally between an hour and 15

and an hour and 40 I think we should just roll like how it feels because there's going to be days we don't know what's coming and I think we're going to have to roll with the punches there's going to be days we don't know what's coming and i think we're gonna have to roll with the punches there's going to be days where the shit going on at home and everything obviously once a week you and me can a lot this time and it takes a few hours

and there's like there's going to be days when we're like lads this has got to be a quick one because this is going on or whatever totally and there's other days if it's rolling and we're having fun then then you know so don't get too attached to a time. Yeah, and as often as possible, I'm going to come over here and we'll record it in the house. There might be a few episodes where we have to do it via Skype, but we've got all the equipment in place ready to do that as well. But we're going to give you an episode of this every day in some form. But for us to do that,

we might need a little bit of help from you lot. First of all, thank you so, so much to all the new followers, people who've been telling people to download the pod, subscribe, people who've been leaving reviews, all of that. However, it's going to cost us quite a bit of fucking money to do this every day. So we've set up, and this is far earlier than we expected to do this, obviously, we've set up a Patreon page.

For those of you who don't know how Patreon works, basically, it's sort of like you sign up to do anything for a month. You'll pay a monthly fee for the podcast, basically. And we're asking

for a couple of quid from people who can actually afford it, aren't we? We don't want a lot of money off anyone.

We're not asking you to make us millionaires or for us to be rolling in the Benjamins from this. We just want to make sure that we're covering the cost of this because it's going to cost us a couple of hundred quid a week in petrol in space in online uploads in bandwidth everything costs a bit of money to put

this together and also and this is not to to to to make light of anyone else's situation we haven't got any money coming in. No. And like, you know, like that's just a reality that this is a way that you can basically alleviate some pressure. So if we sit down to do this every day, my wife is going to be like, dickhead, what are we doing with this time?

Is there another way that you can maybe just earn in a little bit of money? Is there anything we can put in place? Yeah. And if I can say to her there's a chance that this could make us a few quid by doing this it's just going to give a little it's going to get it's going to be goodwill in in in our house to keep it getting done because really i don't want to do anything else i want to do this and and and by no means is it you if you're listening going, fuck, I can't afford to pay for this podcast. Then we don't want your money. Yeah. We don't want it.

So that's, before we tell you sort of the couple of quid we're asking for and what it'll go towards, let us say this. If you're skint, if you're now out of work as a result of this fucking bullshit that's going on around the world,

if you're on benefits and you're struggling already, we don't want your money and you're not going to miss out on anything at this stage at all you're still going to get your podcast every day the podcast is free we're not charging for the podcast and we literally never will there will always be free podcasts going out a hundred percent however we're gonna so patreon lets you set it in tiers what we'd like to do is set up a donation

thing where we're like give us whatever you can afford patreon doesn't allow us to do that so we've set up three tiers for this so the first tier is going to be three quid you'll you'll pay three pound a month and at the minute based on the amounts of stuff we're going to be doing for three pound a month you'll be paying to help us create about 28 hours worth of content that's based on seven episodes a week for four weeks yeah that's a lot of shit for three quid a month um and that's really it's a price of a pint in it yeah that's that's the sort of it's donation seems a bit wanky but that's basically what you're asking for the price of a pint for one of us a month and that's that and again please do not feel obliged to do this if instantly you're listening to this going fuck lads i love the podcast and i want to help out but i can't if you if that flicker of a thought crosses your mind

we don't want your money it's cool yeah it's cool because we're in the same boat as you a hundred percent and we know there's self-employed people who listen to this who are now fucked and we totally get it nobody give me money for sucking dicks everything dried up um so yeah the price of a pint we'll share the pint now obviously no yeah we'll get we'll get two straws

that's against government regulation distancing Adam it's disgusting yeah so if you if you at a gig would come up to us afterwards and go

can I buy you a pint this is a way you can do that you can buy us a pint a month and it'll literally go towards petrol everything everything we've got to pay to run this shit and if and if you want to give a bit more that's fine there's two other

options there's a fiver there's a tenner yeah there's and literally don't be like oh how to give them more we don't want it we're not some because i've seen some comedians patrons and there's like there's like way more and 20 quid 20 quid 100 quid that is we don't want more than 10 from anyone we we don't want that's the limit just be i don't want anyone feeling like oh but that but that's great it's great stuff like it's not necessary that look if you if you want to go above and beyond the tenner then the way to do it is to to go for the 10 pound tier and also tell everyone you know about the podcast the The way this is going to work is more people downloading it.

And then if we're getting advertisers in, then that can help sustain it as well. So for a fiver, you'll essentially be getting a spofopint, you'll be getting a round in there. And if you're minted and you want to lash a tenner in, we'd be super grateful for that.

And when the shutdown stops, I come around your house, suck your dick. That's how that's going to work. £10 a month, one suck a month. If's how that gonna work. Ten pound a month, one suck a month. If you put a tenner in, do you know what? Fuck it,

we'll list you as an official producer. Everyone who puts a tenner in, we'll read a name out of people at the end of the episode. Literally, every episode, the executive producers.

Here's Morgan. You're Ma. You're dead, Ma. here's Morgan your ma your dead ma your dead fucking ma produces my podcast that's a ma joke your dead ma produces my podcast what erm

but er but but at the end of all this when we all come out from the fucking bunker anyone who signs up to the Patreon,

so as soon as we're allowed to, as soon as it comes out that, right, the world can go back to normal, you can start doing gigs, you can start doing whatever again, we're going to do as many live shows as it takes to make sure everyone, well, we're going to start doing live shows anyway, but as soon

as we announce the live shows, anyone who is a Patreon member, for the first set of live shows that we do you will get a free ticket you will be guaranteed a free ticket to any live show that we announce that you want to come to basically if there's if there's 200 odd people have signed up for the patreon at three quid a month we will the the literally as we come out of the bunker the first thing we're going to book in is, like, a gig at, hopefully, Hot Water. Or somewhere like that, yeah. Someone, maybe there, yeah, as soon as we can get a venue, the quickest we can, and we will put on the very, very first live show

of Have A Word as a thank you. And we'll not charge you anything, no booking fee, we'll just get you in. And look at the amount of content we're putting out here. Maybe our listenership will go up, and maybe there'll be 300 people on the Patreon in London, and they're like, well, where's our live show? We'll fucking come to London, and we'll do a live show. If you sign up to this and you help us make this,

look, it's your product as much as mine. What if there's a live show in Iraq? Well, we'll do it. But I want a live show in Baghdad. Well, maybe we'll just pay his flight to come to the Liverpool show. I really like all the humour about Baghdad and Crocky. And Crocky. But Dovecote is full of fannies.

I know him. Yeah, do you? He works in the shop I ask. Iraqi Dan. Hello. Welcome to B&M Baggins. Did I tell you what happened on air? That's the business part of it.

I can tell you, Adam Adams just looked at me and gone ah fucking bored of being a businessman let me tell you this stupid shit I saw the little light in your eyes go off like la la la la la did I tell you about the fella in Manchester on Sunday though you got off after you did your set and I asked in the audience

does anyone not drink and some fella went I don't and I went what's your name mate and he went Stan Pakistan and I went what's your name mate and he went Stan Pakistan and I went oh cool you say your name's Pakistan and he went no

and I went right oh you're from Pakistan and you just you preempted me next question of where you're from he went

no no no no my name's Stan but my mates call me Pakistan oh Jesus just an Asian fella I don't even think he was from Pakistan and in his head

he's like yeah i'm gonna tell everyone that this is what my mates are like and he come up to us like oh he was he was asian by the way oh 100 yeah he tweeted afterwards and was like here i hope i didn't throw you off with me with me joke about the racist nickname i've got i was like absolutely not make the fact that you've just rolled with that and gone you know it's humor amongst friends in it it he was great it was a really really funny how you know stop me writing me it's rare that a heckle or audience interaction stops me i live for that shit but i was like oh i can't top that there's there's nothing there's nothing that i can do that is funnier than an asian man just openly admitting that that's his nickname and he's got

absolutely no problem with it whatsoever my favorite stuff about that is when all the white people around him are like is it is it okay to laugh is it okay to laugh oh god adam it's okay to laugh i love that when something happens to do with race at a gig and it even gets mentioned and there's like a black guy at the front row and you can see all the little fucking snowflakes like that's the problem with comedy looking at the black guy oh he can see all the little fucking snowflakes like uh that's the problem with comedy looking at the black guy oh he's laughing he's laughing he's laughing he's laughing people get offended on other people's behalf rather than people actually getting offended themselves anyway so um the patreon is go if you go on the patreon it's have a word pod

on patreon okay so that we've kept it. By the time you are listening to this, the Patreon is live. It will be up and running. And look, realistically, for this to be financially viable, we need a few hundred people doing this down the line. We can probably keep it running for a few weeks without this, but long term,

me and Dan not gigging, got zero income coming in. We haven't got the 500, 600, 700, 800 quid a month that it's going to cost to run this because we'll run out of money very, very quickly. We want to keep giving you the product that you're asking for. We want, the fact that so many of you are like,

when is this daily one coming? We really, really, we love making this and we're so blown away by how much people love us making it and interacting with it. This is the way we can keep it going. It's at the price of a pint every single month. But do, but genuinely do what you can do. Don't do more because on a serious note,

and I know we're making light of what's going on, and as the shutdown dailies get going, I think our strength will be you listening and us talking the shit that we always talk. We're not going to obsess about what's going on and we're not going to be morose. We're going to do a few little changes along the way. We're going to change twat of the week to ledge of the day.

That's a bit more positive enough. So if you know someone who's been spectacular an absolute gem of a human because backs are against the wall now if you've got one story of someone being sound as fuck instead of doing a twat of the week let's do a ledge of the day and i'll give you one of them to start there's um a lad put on facebook earlier i seen this a sc, a scouser, and he said, look, I've got no symptoms. I've been working from home for a while, and I'm completely well. I haven't been interacting with anyone. But if there's any old people who are scared to go out at the minute, let me know exactly what you want from Asda or something.

I'll post you the receipt. I'll leave you shopping outside so you don't touch me, and you can just PayPal me the money. So he's literally going around shopping for old people and making sure they don't touch me and you can just PayPal me the money so he's literally going around shopping for old people and making sure they don't get infected that's a legend today, someone doing something like that, helping the world out in a non-selfish way, stuff like that

send them in. Someone on my street put a thing through our door, it was like instantly, as soon as the government said over 70 should self-isolate there was a little thing in our door going, can you just if you're available and fit and healthy enough to help out with the shopping for the old people that's not even like

should I do it that's someone like as soon as they've heard the news they've been selfless enough to go right so we're asking for all the usual bullshit you know the would you rather the weirdest place you crack one out but if someone's been a good egg let's let us know

and we'll let everyone else know and with the Patreon we appreciate you guys and genuinely if you can't you can't we get it we're still gonna do what we do

we'll make it work if you can that's massively appreciated yeah do what you can we'll do what we can we're gonna get through this and let's keep each other

fucking entertained we're gonna get through this we're gonna get through this what the fuck is that what's that in my head you've just clicked it off i just got some uk garage better than i've got 21 seconds to go shit okay boys let's do another feature already this podcast is meant to be have a word it's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. It's fucking everywhere. There's all the problems that you have with your friends.

This was supposed to be the whole podcast. Now it's the final 5%. Adam, you are the have a word master. I'm the have a word executive. So again, sorry to keep hammering this home, but thank you very much for everyone who sends this sort of stuff in for us it really makes the podcast work keep them coming in and as as you've already heard throughout this episode we're going to need a lot

of these if there's any domestic disputes if there's anyone in your life being a bit of a pain who you want us to have a little conversation with them be like lad stop doing that on your behalf we will have a word with them let's keep them in let's keep it simple get them in a us to have a little conversation with them and be like, lad, stop doing that. On your behalf, we will have a word with them. Get them in. Let's keep it simple. Get them in. Have a word. To haveawordpod at gmail.com.

It's genuinely made me feel better this. I really appreciated you holding my leg during the recording. So, we've got two here. We've got two. That's my big clit. We've got... That's a fucking mega clit, lad. First one.

Hi, Adam and Dan. This is one of... Hello. It's worth saying as well, we've mentioned the Patreon now. There's actually a few people, because we were hesitant to do that, but we've sort of been pushed into doing it by the fact

we've had several messages this week saying, look, I want to send you some money for this. It's given us the confidence to do it, because I even said to Adam yesterday, mate, I just think let's just do what we do and it was the few people emailing in going, guys, you know, we appreciate it. Yeah.

Well, the Patreon is the normal thing to do. Go on, I want to have a word with someone. So, hi, Adam and Dan, so excited for the podcast going daily. You need to get away for people to donate, set up because you can't be doing that much work for free. How can I send you some money? Well, we've already answered that now thank you so much for asking uh before we even mentioned that we really really appreciate it uh this is emily from

plymouth thank you so much emily um can you please have a word with people who are slagging off panic buyers uh the key word here is panic people are worried and they're buying things they need or think they need to get their families through this awful time i personally haven't bought panic bought loads of stuff but i totally understand why people are doing it they're scared the media aren't helping they're making this situation far far worse have a word with people on their high horse this is a time for understanding especially the actions of people who are terrified emily from plymouth i'm fully on board with this you know yeah like i understand that if you're if you're watching people fill eight trolleys with fucking bog roll you're like come on mate

we've all got it we've all got to like sort ourselves out here no you see that's cunty panic buying in it yeah yeah that's different that that's being a cunt and knowing about it but people going how am i going to feed my family in three months when all the shops are shut and they're buying like i don't know for a family of four 20 bags of fucking coca noodles and they're just trying to put a little thing away so that they're okay people are scared man you've got to let it go i can't judge anyone what i found funny last week is as it was ramping up there was still a little bit of like decorum about the panic buying like in our local co-op all of the co-op brand

toilet roll had fucking flown off there wasn't one left all the andrex was just sat there classic classic northern move like i'm not paying three fucking quid sandra get the fucking toilet roll there's only Andrix left Brian fuck off Sandra you idiot you'll shit in your hand before you spend that much on toilet roll

but now that's gone up the gear and everyone's like god I've got Andrix as well now I went to do a big shop the other day just to get as much in as possible there's no toilet roll left so I've

what I've done is I've gone through all my old socks and the ones that I don't really wear anymore I'm going to just use them to wipe my arse And then just lash them in the washing machine and wash them Hang on I wish I could press this harder

Disgusting Why is that disgusting It's like reusable toilet roll isn't it If you've got a garden go and poo in the garden The dog poos in the garden Poo next to your fucking dog Why Go and poo up I'll happily poo in the garden the dog poo in the garden poo next to your fucking dog why go and poo up go on i'm jay's gonna be like yeah i'm walking at him right i'll happily poo in the garden but

then that doesn't solve the problem of wiping me out could you imagine the location of where i'm shitting is not the problem imagine your dog's face the first time it starts crouching then it looks over just slowly and then you're next to it, and the dog's like, dude, I know I do it, but fucking hell. Jog on a little bit over there. Yeah. Also, I haven't passed the solids since the late 90s.

Oh! That's the lawn gone. But yeah, the location's not the problem. It's... What are you going to do if you run out of toilet roll, and there's none left, and you can't go and buy them?

What's your solution? Get an Amazon bidet. Amazon are not going to be running, Daniel. In fact, in fact, as you were taking the piss out of me there, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I've got a fucking Karcher pressure washer.

And in the morning... You're going to jet wash your bumhole. In the morning, we're all going to go and have a family shit at the end of the garden. Right in the back. And then I You're going to jet wash your bum off. In the morning, we're all going to go and have a family shit at the end of the garden. Right in the back. And then I'm literally going to like, Etta, Laura, turn around.

It's going to be like a carter. We're going to pass it round. They're like, my wife's going to do my... Etta, we don't shit on the landing anymore. We do it in the back garden. You can't jet wash your arsehole. I'd never thought I'd have to say that to another adult human. You can't jet wash your arsehole.

Jet wash will take paint off a brick wall. Can I just say but when I first got my cartridge pressure washer I was fucking around uh cleaning off that you know like all of a sudden I really need uh clean uh concrete slabs outside you'd never given a shit before and then I'd got like some shit on my like crap on my shoe just I was like oh and then I was like oh god and it was sort of like you know like because of spray you get muck coming back and it got on my shoe and then i realized i've got like a dirty shin and i was like oh fuck it sprayed mud onto my shin so i'll just pressure wash it off i gave my skin your skin off oh you did. You're a fucking... You're a fucking moron.

Oh, you don't do that again. No. Oh, could you imagine a pressure washer on your arsehole? But you're going to jet wash your, what, two-year-old baby's bum hole? No. How old is she? Three. Time to grow up.

Three years old at the bend over. You can't jet wash a bum hole. Pressure wash your little poop poop. That should be a soundbite that you add to the thing. You're three years old Bend over You can't jet wash a bummo Press your wish Your little poop poop That should be a soundbite That you add to the thing You can't jet wash a bummo No you can't really

No P.S. You can't wank next to your missus though When she just By the way I've had fucking endless support For that this week Well I've had people message me

That you're a weirdo You and these snakes Only messaging one of us You know what made it worse as well Yeah she's just watching message me that you're a weirdo. Are you these snakes? Only messaging one of us? You know what made it worse as well? Yeah, she's just watching, you know, How I Met Your Mother. That makes it fucking weird.

Why? She's just gently watching reruns on E4 and you're like... Next to her. I don't make that noise. Like a rapey fucking beaver. Hang on. No, no, no. It's not rapey fucking beaver hang on no no no it's not rapey

to just be self-masturbating no sorry I know that it's the opposite of anything it's just I'm going to enjoy myself you don't have to do anything you don't want to do watch the telly I'll be fine

listen listen nothing wrong with that in separate rooms and also I wasn't calling you a rapey beaver I'm just saying that sound did sound like a rapey beaver

didn't it if you had to say how does a rapey beaver sound like what the fuck i think that's what your ass sounds like when you do when you're non-solids and the dog's like it really really does okay we went off the rails on that one i want to know what your actual plan is. For what? For when you run out of toilet roll. It's the end of the world.

You've took the piss out of my sock option, so what are you doing? I'm going to use my socks and then clean them, and then I've got new washed socks to use again. Reusable. I'm looking after the environment. It's like an old-fashioned diaper, isn't it, really? That's what they

used to do like cloth you know some of the old vegan we don't use pampers or Aldi nappies

we just have a rag and we keep washing it dirt bags it's not 1913 what are you going to do I'm sort of not

joking about pooing at the end of the garden and then walk around with a shitty arse all day

you know when a dog's got an itchy arse just sort of do it when a dog's got an itchy arse? Just sort of do it at that end of the lawn. You know, like, just fucking... You look like you're in a Backstreet Boys video. Ask a... I don't know, it's going to be some...

You know what? Get yourself some socks, lad. Yeah. I thought you were going to poo into the sock, you know? What? I thought that's what you were going to do. What does that... Me toilet's not going to break.

I thought you were going to open the sock. No. And plop into it and then tie your sock and just wazz it over the fence. Why? Why, why, why? Bums away. No, the toilet's still going to work That's not the problem

It's how you get it off your bum I don't know why you're shitting in the garden When you've got a perfectly usable toilet You've got two Can't you just go in the shower Yeah I tell you Adam I will give you something

When you back down You do actually back down You wanted to keep you wanted to keep this going and you're oh yeah next question okay cool yeah yeah we're just gonna get in the shower so yeah i mean i wouldn't sniff the plug hole for a bit did you do that normally that's as soon as i said it i regret saying. You're a fucking plug- Hi, babe. I'm home from work. What are you up to?

Just sniffing the plug hole in the bath. Oh, cool. What's for tea? You fucking creep. What is for tea? Loads of frozen shit. Fucking jack-o'-doodles. What? No, go on.

This podcast has gone off the rails. I'll go weird. I can't wait for, like like When we're three weeks in And we're looking at each other What if the sirens went off And it was like And this had to be the lockdown now And Laura's stuck at work

It had to be a nursery And it was just you and me Constantly shut The shutdown daily That's to figure out a way to live stream it And just be me and you Where would you poo in the studio? In me mug.

Do you think that it's going to be locked down to the point where we can't go into the next room where there's a toilet? Oh yeah, sorry I forgot that. I don't know what you think's going to happen. Do you think everyone's going to get like a fucking private, like an army private

in their house like you've got to stay in that room actually? Nope. Do you know what was going to happen with the shutdown? I'm going to wank separately from my wife. Like a fucking gentleman. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Plug hole sniffer. I'm going to wank separately from my wife and then sniff the plug hole.

That doesn't smell good. No shit, Sheila. Fucking weird. have to plug out that doesn't smell good no shit Sheila weird so yeah look we can't remember the thing it was have a word with panic yeah panic look I

think hey guys it's not good but it's okay like we understand everyone's scared you should be more understanding that people are scared you can have a word with

them in the shop you can go mate look come on don't buy that much stuff there's there's a lot like there's some shops like fuck them who would you have that cringy conversation i wouldn't know what you see you know toilet rolls went what if like uh what if bananas went if everyone just took the bananas and you were like fuck there, there's no bananas. Would it make you want bananas? Possibly. Everyone wants what they can't have, don't they? Yeah.

That's why billionaires fuck kids. What the fuck? How's that where your head went? How's that where your head went how's that where your head went I think that's a theory I've had for a while yes we have no bananas come here Timmy we have no bananas today come on stop crying

yes we have no bananas oh my god of course it is good reasoning do you not think that's right though? Billionaires can have whatever they want, but it's illegal for that. Yeah, okay. Good.

Why billionaires? You know everyone can't fuck a kid. It's not like, you know. Yeah, but billionaires can have anything else. Oh, good reasoning. Yeah. Clever girl. Yeah.

I reckon I'm onto something there. There's a strong correlation between billionaires and pedos. Do you know what? Actually, I can see your point because if I if i won the euro millions i'd want to have sex with younger women hey yes we have no wives left because we did a shit joke sorry love i love you babe we're gonna get through this together come home safe yeah so look if if someone's panicked by and you've got to be a bit understanding of it unless they're taking the absolute piss. Unless you're panic Patreoning, and then I just really recommend it. And that's Patreon, have a word pod. Okay.

Thanks to Emily in Plymouth for that one. We really appreciate it. Do you think you're going to be able to go swimming in a lockdown if you're in Plymouth? What, like in the sea? Yeah. No. If you've got alymouth? What, like in the sea? Yeah. No. If you've got a beach house? No. Why? Because no.

You don't know? You've made up that no? No. You have no maritime authority. You're so right as well. And I've seen you say it. You don't know what the fucking song was here. No.

I'm going to press on it. No. Hey, Emily, get out the fucking hole. No, you could. Actually, if you're at a beach house, what's 5-0 coming, though? Go fucking Coast Guard. Out of the water. Yeah, I you're at a beach house. What's 5-0 coming, though? Go fucking Coast Guard. Out of the water.

Yeah, I think they will be doing that. Why? What, are you going to give corona to the fucking fish? No, but you're in a public place. It's going to be locked down, Daniel. Shut down. Please tell me I can go jogging. I don't think you'll be able to go jogging.

Oh, for the love of fuck, I'm already getting tub-tub. Oh, and I bought loads of biscuits. Yeah, but no one's getting fat shamed in a fucking pandemic, are they? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. You can come out of your house. I can't fit. I'm going to be fucking...

Moosive. Documentary fat at the end of this shit, man. How did he survive? What size clothes are you, Adam? I'm a two-man tent now. The pandemic has had awful effects. We need more material for Adam's fucking underpants. These socks stink.

I'm not going to then wear those socks. I'm separating into wearable and arseable. Damn, Adam, you've got some smelly-ass feet. They used to smell sweaty, now they smell of shit. Oh. Emily, go and have a stand. Emily, if when the shutdown happens,

and it's coming, I want you to go for a little swim-swim in the old channel for us, and let us know if it was allowed. Emily never emails back, because she floats off to sea. And no one's like, who the fuck would go swimming in a lockdown?

Yeah, maybe the Coast Guard will be at home. Coast Guard working from home. Just in a boat in the living room. Right, final have a word for this week. Oh shit, is KFC going to be locked down? Yeah. They ran out of chicken on like a random day.

Give me fucking strength. Are you joking? I actually don't know. I'm hoping fast food doesn't get shut down because that's going to be fucking dead easy

for a while, isn't it? What type of takeaway will you order first? Probably maccies. Oh, go on. Okay. Grab a mac with bacon meal.

What type of takeaway would you not order? Are you trying to get me to say I wouldn't order Chinese? Oh, Adam! Adam! Disgusting! I had a Chinese last night. I had a Chinese last night.

And do you know what? It's Kate Amms on Muirhead Avenue in Liverpool. And they thanked me for going in because business has been shit because people are scared. It was fucking delicious and I feel fine. I am fine. Oh, Adam, you've come back. You're so kind.

Hey, everyone, pension fund back. Going to be alright. You're feeding us and family in China. Adam, you're so generous. My God. You are Patreon.

Stop it! Oh, final one. What's happening, boys? Looking forward to the daily podcast. Have a word with my mate. He's been telling me for two years he wants to split up with his missus, but he's just allowed her to move in with him.

She's talking about having a kid and he's just allowed her to move in with him. She's tight. What? She's talking about having a kid and he's just going along with it for an easy life. Have a word with him before he does something he'll regret. Ta.

That's from Sam McGuire via Twitter. Sorry, I didn't mean to ding. Can I read that again in the tone that it should have been read in? Adam and Dave, have a word with my mate.

He's been telling me for two years he wants to split up with his missus but he's just allowed her to move in with him she's talking about having a kid and he's just going along with it for an easy life have a word with him before he does something regret And he's just going along with it for an easy life. Have a word with him before he does something. Regret.

Oh, shit. He'll regret. Mate, what a fucking lid. I know lads who have gone into relationships like that, though, where it's just... And I totally understand. It's so much easier to just stay with the status quo than have than have the conversation have I told you that

I've still got like a phone contract from when I was 17 that I still pay because I can't be answering O2 I don't want to break up with O2

so I just pay them like 40 for the month mate oh god I hate hearing about shit like this because you just you just watch it from the outside

looking in going you guys are aides leave each other alone i know you're together and you say all the like things that couples say like we love each other well maybe she loves him we haven't heard what like you're just addicted to each other you're just used to each other bin her off and you know what she'll fucking hate you but who cares because you'll never see her again and ultimately relationships are a fucking ball ache

sometimes and if you if you're in a relationship with someone who's a you don't like you're just going to end up murdering her and there's no

freezer space at the moment where are you going to hide the body is that what you're jumping to immediately yeah so you think murder

I just think I've got the thing is I've why I'm finding that emotionally taxing Is that what you're jumping to immediately? Yeah. So you think murder? I just think, I've got, the thing is, why I'm finding that emotionally taxing, because I've seen so many of my mates do this, just be like, well, it's all right. She just keeps, you know, she's here, isn't she? But you're like, there's so many nice people out there who want to meet someone else that's nice. Just go, be with someone you like.

Isn't it? Don't marry someone you can't be fucked with. What type of psycho she is? Aye, all right, I'm in. Well, the thing is, if he's not told her how he feels, it's not her fault. And also, I'm going to defend him at the minute because apparently they've just moved in together.

It's about to go into quarantine. We're about to go into shutdown. Tinder's going to be fucking light at the minute, innit? There's not going to be many offers on Tinder right now. So you need to keep it for a while. You need to keep some company. There's going to be no offers on Tinder. I don't know no offers.

There's some people who... Oh, you can just, you know... What do the kids do on Tinder? Sound like a grandad. I heard myself. There's no kids on Tinder. Is there not? What's the point?

You're a billionaire. No billionaires either. Eee. The fucking jokes. I hurt myself. There's no kids on Tinder. Is there not? What's the point? You're a billionaire. No billionaires either. Eee. The fucking jokes. I tell you what, the world's ending but these lads have got the fucking jokes,

you know. Callbacks and everything. From a previous episode of the podcast, you know. High-end broadcasting. I've got mental now, God.

I can't wait for it to be I'm having a fucking race. I'm seeing each other every day. I've just got fuck all left to say. Can you imagine if we start getting tweets going, guys, prob's just one less a week now. I go to every two weeks.

Take Sundays off. Take the Lord's Day off. So, look. He hasn't told her though, has he? No, but this is not the time, is it? No. You can't be like, have you just moved in?

I want to break up. Good luck on the streets because your dad can't let you back in because he's high risk. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a good point, isn't it? You can't dump anyone now. No.

You can't. You are stuck with them. Or what if your divorce is just about to go through And that guy's on lockdown And you're like You literally go I'm fucking sick of you Leon Just get out of my fucking house

Government just enforced the lockdown Do you want a cup of tea love? I'll be in the spare room I'll be in the spare room I love you Love you babe Yeah there's going to be a lot of relationships that go longer

than they fucking should yeah yeah like Liverpool's relationship with the fucking Champions League we are the champions champions of Europe

now you've gone fucking mental listen mate we're having a word we're having a word you've got you're in the shutdown's about to happen

you can't dump her because it'd be fucking sham listen love I'm not sure which is right I know we've moved in together but obviously everything's in my name

could you fuck off by Tuesday lockdown Wednesday that's not on but uh at the end of this oh it's gonna be a grim I once had to go out with a girl over Christmas

that I wanted to dump this is gonna be worse this is a probation period that's what it is this is make or break for your relationship at the end of it you can either go

look we tried but now fuck off or it could be the making of you it's going to be the most intense two people episode of

Love Island a whole series of Love Island except it's not a villa Love Council flat it's your shitty flat just staring at a woman that you're not that keen on.

Love bed sit. With Ian Sterling going, and Neil. Mark and Amy are having another fight. Mark didn't want her to move in, but didn't want to cause a fucking rough ass. Rough ass? I don't want a rough ass.

Not only did the accent go dodgy. Mark wanted to not do it, but he called her rough ass rough ass I don't know what rough ass is not only did the accent go dodgy a mack of antitone not a do it but you could have rough ass Amy has eaten all the pot noodles

despite the fact that there are perishable items still in the fridge Mark is going fucking mental Mark's shitting a sock

when we're doing an Ian Sturgeon impression that bad we need to stop the podcast The thing is though this is the second episode in a row where we've tried

to do an impression and in our defence it's getting better Right My Ian Sterling is not that good Ian Sterling I am here

on the island I am at a council flat in Waverton. Honestly, how many different nationalities did you get in one of you still? I am a I do not agree. Welcome to Love Island

Madagascar. Everyone on the island has eaten a ring de lima This episode has gone weird My name is African Ian Sterling Why do you say African? Because you sounded fucking African mate

Do your Ian Sterling impression It's absolute racist dog shit Go on please do it again While you're laughing Say Rufus again Oh they're having a Rufus What the fuck are you on about? That name is...

I was actually trying them as well. My name is Yas. Right, Adam's gone. Guys, we're going to get through this. We're going to get through this pandemic. And we're going to be mental. I want to ring Ian Sterling and have you... I've got his fucking...

We should do it next episode. Because he's going to be bored at home yeah Ian can you do can you listen to I love Ian he's a fantastic comedian

he's got specials and stuff on the internet go and check him out because a lot of people see him as the voiceover guy from Love Island he's fucking brilliant and he's good on Twitch

playing games as well he's got a following on Twitch anyway so to got a tune mate we have got a following on Twitch. Anyway. So to... Got a tune, mate. We have got a tune. So the last episode, we had Design Rewind.

I've got to email them and ask if we can use some of their music as beds because they're amazing. Well, they were so popular with our listenership. We had so many messages saying, who the fuck are these? And where can I find more of their stuff? So you can find more of their stuff

right here, right now. Two episodes in a row, we're doing a Design Rewind track. They're on Twitter, they're on Spotify and everything. Go and find them. This is Design Rewind with Tie Me Up. And just one more shout, do us a favour, keep telling people about the podcast, keep leaving five-star reviews, keep subscribing,

keep telling people to follow us on Twitter. We're going to get through this together. Let's do the shutdown daily starting next week yes mate in a bit We'll see you next time. All it's gonna do is knock me down It's gonna tie me up, up Tie you up, up Tie me up, up Tie you up, up Tie me up Pay your tax on the wrong side It's gonna take you to the wrong town

Knock up the college door like a smile It costs you less than a round Walking around with a broken heart Anything, all it's gonna do is knock me down It's gonna tie me up, up Tie you up, up Tie me up, up Tie you up, up

It's all messed up, up Not enough, up Tie me up, tie you up We'll be right back. anything, all it's gonna do is knock me down. It's gonna tie me up, and tie you up, and tie me up, and tie you up, and so mess me up, and I need no, to tie me up, and tie you up, and tie me up, and tie you up, and tie me up, and tie you up. Thank you. It's how you roll Thank you.