Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #110 with Simon Wozniak - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, Jesus.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. I have are we started? yeah are we started? as you're banging everything you've ever owned around the desk i have an apology to make uh i i told you the other day that once when we guys i'm trying to get... No, go on. Yeah, go on. Go on. I told you that when we were gigging again, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't reference COVID. And I did a gig on Tuesday for Theatre Clwyd. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Clwyd. That really fucked up my life. Theatre Clwyd. I think it's, you know, English people say Clwyd.

Go on. We've got a Welshman. Can we get him on the mic? There is a wonderful theatre up on a hill in Mould, in Clwydshire. Clwyd, innit? If you're doing it Welsh, it's Clwyd. Clwyd? That's Scottish, innit?

If you go in full Welsh, I'd just say Clwyd. That's because I'm... Yeah, am I adding an L or necessarily cluid it's not you're adding a double L though Floyd Floyd anyway do you know much about the Welsh language why do you fuck about with two L's when you've already got a K we don't have a K ancient you don't have a K no it's an ancient language it's not Finn's fault no lad one of my favorite things is Carl not accepting any Welsh pronunciations no lads and one of my favorite things is carl not accepting any welsh pronunciations like it's become one of my favorite lad how do you say that and finn's welsh

and he's like um you say it like this carl's like laugh no you don't um so i did a gig it was a stream gig now this is starting to happen i turned it down more and more it's nice like scott bennett took it but literally there's a leaf table. I said on stage, I was like, well, this is the first time I've done a set since October the 31st. What feels like 1974,

but was actually last year. And here I am doing a set. And then Scott's headlining and he's done in the lockdown about 4,000 stream gigs. And I said to you just a week ago, excited to be back. And when we're back, I'm not going to talk about COVID.

I'm not going to bang on about the panty day. I'm over it. And I would like to apologize to you and everyone involved because I walked on and basically went COVID! Like it was just, because I didn't work loads on new material because I've not done a set for so long. My set now is old stuff that I want to go forward with and new stuff that is just untried.

So it's either boring or mental and risky. And I referenced the pandemic a couple of times and the lockdown a couple of times. I really hope by the time we're in the room and we're doing gigs, like we're doing your Adam Rowan Friends, we're doing new material. I've just applied to do loads of Wednesdaynesdays at hot water because i want to build

up that new set i'm going to be past it but i actually thought of you because i was like fuck you've mentioned covid three times as you bring it up uh on the 17th and 18th of may i'm doing adam rowan friends at hot water comedy club uh hotwatercomedy.co.uk they're the first two gigs listed at the minute Danny's going to do both nights with me I think Alfie Brown's going to come and do

one or both of them there might be some other guests as well and it's going to be for me and my mates to do some new material it's not going to be polished stuff

necessarily but it's going to be a good laugh and you can come and see the first gigs back legally back on the 17th of May very excited about that

hotwatercomedy.co.uk what are you saying though you're sort of like legally back on the 17th of May. Very excited about that. hotworldscomedy.co.uk What are you saying, though? You're sort of like, legally back. I mean, if you want to see me illegally, I'll be in Sefton Park at 7pm, end of April. Just talking, just talking on a dog walk. I seen a band the other day. They were busking in Sefton Park.

I don't know whether that's legal at the minute, but they were fucking good. There was a fella on the bongos. No, it's not. It's not not i don't think it is legal is it my girlfriend started farting in front of me you're 10 years in with your missus and she hasn't done that and you didn't pause enough between those two things did she fart you did he didn't put he was like i saw a band sefton park don't know if that was legal my girlfriend started farting in front of me they were later than Andy

I know exactly what's happened Adam was literally like I'm going to talk about Sam farting at the start of the pod and whenever that happens I can start talking and Adam's like

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah finished Sam started farting in front of me that's good that's great three months in

yeah it's not great it's not great it's not great at all why right you know my thoughts are bad aren't they

like be honest I can take it it's not about you taking it it's about me taking it isn't it when you sit there and you go

oh lads I've boffed high end broadcasting from Adam Rowe it's not good no but I mean really professionally I just think you shouldn't be boffing on pod like in life High-end broadcasting from Adam Rowe. It's not good, no. But I mean, really, professionally, I just think you shouldn't be boffing on pod.

Like, in life, it's fine. Why are you not on pod? You can't smell stuff through the fucking audio. Just for me. Just as a professional courtesy. Shut up. What did Finn say when he walked in? The first thing Finn said?

Stinks of boffin here. Yeah. But she's Dutch-offened me. Dutch-offened? Is that the-o-ffin it's at the Dutch pronunciation how often has she done it the Dutch-o-ffin

oh the Dutch-o-ffin and she cupcake'd me and hang on no give me the tech of terms I know what a Dutch-o-ffin is it's

underneath and then and then it's you bake it don't you in the oh letting out the quilts

in your face but the cupcakes are... A cupcake is grabbing the fart with your hand and putting it there. Why did you have to show me so properly? Like, just give me... Order. Order.

Yeah, so she's done a couple and I'm like, babe, they stink. She's got a bit of a bad stomach. And then... Always? No, it's like the past week she's been holding these in for three months I'm quite a farty person

so I'm just gonna start letting them out now and I was like that stinks I think it's beautiful yeah she cupcake me so I waited until she fell asleep

and squatted over her head and farted on her face no you didn't oh I did did you record that no you didn't oh I did no you didn't

that's the bullshit bell and i'm dead she is too fit i've seen pictures she's very attractive for you if she woke up yeah to see your hairy and you know it is look at your face if that's how hairy your head is if you can go eyebrows like that your gooch isn't like porcelain, is it? No, I keep my gooch quite sort of... I like it getting... I don't think you've seen enough of your gooch. I don't think...

I think there's some... No, I do. I take a minute into the bath with me and I have a little... With a fucking Gillette Mach 3 Turbo. Turbo? Yeah. Do you really?

I do my gooch, yeah. Could you imagine a... You wet shave your gooch? I I do my gooch Could you imagine You wet shave your gooch I wet shave my gooch I'll get it out I don't always go right to my arsehole You've got to watch for Ofcom though If you get your gooch out Yeah

Ofcom So we're in it Have you ever suffered Any form of Uncomfortableness From the regrowth? Cut on my Gucci, you mean?

If you, I'm telling you right now, Cut on my Gucci's on mine, on mine, cut on the Gucci's on mine. If you, this is why I cannot have a wet razor

anywhere near a bath because I'm like, even I'm like, and then I start manoeuvring and then two days later I'm like, oh, I feel uncomfortable.

Itchy. Did you ever get that? Yeah, I get a bit of like sores of me hairs coming back from getting itchy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't, I didn't i wasn't i wet shave my gooch i wet shave my bumhole and i wet shave my balls and around the base of my dick you wet shave your bum hole so you pull me because you never know when you're going to a sauna and you might meet someone you

pack your ass crack with shaving foam? No. Just use soap or shower gel? I just do it while I'm in the bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing on it. It's just water, hot water.

It's a really sexy episode this one so far, isn't it? The visual cupcake, the way he showed me. What I'll do is I put my legs on the side of the bath like this.

Oh, God. Like, I'll fucking, you know just mad i've never shaved me bumhole yeah but like you need to shave your bumhole could you get could you get your shiny gooch away from my area you need to shave your bumhole i'll tell you why go on you like a loud Hey I haven't even been doing yoga Or nothing But it's quite impressive innit

It's horrible Get it away from me Do you know what I mean? Like I'm pretty sure This is like a black belt In yoga or something If you broke your hip Out of nowhere

Like making yourself laugh Mid part of it And broke your hip Do you know apparently You're not meant to put your feet You know if you're in a passenger seat of a car You're not meant to put your feet Up on the dashboard

Because it can break them You know if you're in a crash It goes through your you're not meant to put your feet up on the dashboard because it can break them you know if you're in a crash it goes through your head doesn't it yeah it can go through your your knee go through your head also what kind of fucking animal has their feet on a dashboard in a car

that's how you get invited to leave my BMW yeah but yeah like I'll be on the side I go right I go right for my air

so why you said you were going to tell me why I have to shave my bum off because it's hairy innit yeah some of his explanations make him sound so like like a child

yeah because it's hairy hair's grow there and that's not good is that what you say in the barbers when you say what you want it's hairy innit I don't think British barbers

are going to shave your arsehole I think I think the Turk Turkish British barbers are going to shave your arsehole. I think the Turk Turkish Turkish barbers will literally I'm not even joking. I think they would. I think it's a cultural

thing. If you. Oh my God. Of course. Here he goes. How do you pronounce their clued and how much you charge in for

a full body fucking. I want to look like an orca. Go. How much? I'm not sure. I think... I know it's a bit more acceptable over there. Ears, earlobes, nostrils, hair.

You get your fucking nose shaved. They will do your back, your arms, your pits. You're telling me that a Turkish barber's... No one's ever gone, listen, lad, do the whole fucking thing. Toes, balls, shaft of the dick. Get right up in there. What was that voice?

Shaft of the dick. Shaft of the dick. It's my Turkish barber. Have you ever had a Turkish shave and that? A wet shave? With the knife? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's sick. It is good. They're a different breed over there they don't care they don't they have no health and safety regulations so i'm sure arseholes aren't off limits yeah no but it's weird muslim men are very like islam hang on this is just my career. Islam's weirdly got some major issues with homosexuality,

but I also sometimes think of that area. What do you mean? What major issues? Don't be that. Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy.

I'm your business partner and I'm tied to you. So if you throw rocks in my fucking pockets, you're coming down with me. Dan, tell me the problems that Islam has

with homosexuality. Do some reading. Are you saying Muslims can't do a bit of bumming? Is that what you're coming down with me Dan tell me the problems that Islam has with homosexuality do some reading are you saying Muslims can't do a bit of bumming is that what you're saying are you saying Muzzy men can't do anal

with other Muzzy men look today of all days Adam you fucking bellend I I I think honestly with the Turkish barbers they'd be like of course it's your bum hole let me get down there in Berlin. I think, honestly,

with the Turkish barbers, they'd be like, of course, it's your bum hole. Let me get down there. So cram. I reckon you've got to pay for, like,

you know, a new knife. I don't reckon he can be using that knife on the next customer as well. From your arse to his face. Out of the utterly butterly and into Finn's arsehole. When did you get the full wet shave?

It was about three years ago. Get your foot off the fucking table. I'm not taking it down until at least halfway through. It's horrible. I've never been this comfortable. I feel like... Do you know what I feel like?

I feel like intelligent. I feel powerful. You look silly. Let me put a baby wipe down there you go um yeah i feel like people would come to me for advice more if i sat like this do you mean i look like i know stuff i look like i'm so cocky because i've figured shit out you look like you look like a substitute teacher who's trying to be one of your mates and he's showing a bit too much balls. You know, like one of the teachers who was a bit young,

like, don't worry about me, I'm virtually one of you. Here's the outline of my testicles because I'm wearing Farrah pants. Can substitute teachers fuck sex bombers? Or is it just permanent members of staff that are behind for me?

And what if they are... from me have you enjoyed doing this part do you like doing it do you enjoy it. Keep that in mind. How old were you? Is it illegal? Yeah. What about the head teacher? Yeah. He doesn't teach anyone, does he? Yeah, he doesn't really know the kids. Yeah. I don't mean kids. I mean like 16 and above.

It's going to be an awkward PTA, isn't it? Like if you have to sit back a year, if you're 18. Right. Right. You're an upper sixth. Upper sixth, but you've been held back a year. So you're 18. Right. Right. You're an upper sixth. Upper sixth, but you've been held back a year. So you're 18, you're going to turn 19. Held back.

That's the weirdest combo. That's the weirdest combo of like American film and TV, like English sixth form. You've been held. How much fucking idiot do you have to be to be like, listen, Greg, you've not quite made it through lower sixth. Both of us. Both of us did that.

What? We did three years of sixth form. You pair of fucking Gregs. No, it's not that. We just didn't take it seriously and we really enjoyed the games of footy that we used to have on the Astros. So we did three years of sixth form.

So what I'm asking you is... Could you fuck the head teacher? What, in third year of sixth form? In my third year, could I have fucked the teacher who was just in for one day And didn't teach me If she wanted to

Legally Yeah Yes Yeah You're an adult Right No Nope

It happened in our sixth form What? It happened in our sixth form didn't it What are you being prosecuted there for? Legally Criminal That was a gang man no one No What What What are we being prosecuted there for? Legally? Criminal? That was a gang man, no one?

No. What are we even on about? What could you get prosecuted there, criminally? I don't think you got criminally prosecuted, but you lost this job and got... Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not illegal to fuck an 18-year-old or a 19-year-old, is it? You're going to lose your job

because I think places of higher education are going to have quite a strict code of conduct that doesn't involve you sticking your dick in a sixth former. And the argument can't be, gosh, she was held back. You'd do better, though, if you were the sixth former. What do you mean? You'd work better than school, wouldn't you,

if you were slapping the teacher? Slapping the teacher? Slamming. Yeah. If you were slamming the teacher, you're going to do good in this class, wouldn't you if you were slapping the teacher like slapping the teacher yeah if you're slamming the teacher you're gonna do good in this class aren't you what's the matter you know you know what the matter is it's a genuine question i was just wondering you know as a 19 year old man could i have fucked that substitute teacher who was in once without her getting in trouble no no okay No. Okay, cool. Also, how hard was that? Would she want to?

Oh, she gave me a look. Really? Yeah. As she was walking down the corridor, she went into her room and then popped her head back into the hallway and went... She's a classy,

classy young lady. She raised an eyebrow and she went... What does she mean? What's that? Mate, your beard. Horrible. I don't want to smell it.

That's fucking vile, Adam. It stinks. Put your foot off the table. Put your fucking foot off the table. You can't sit like that because you've got no anal control. Your digestive system is a disgrace. You cannot sit in half of the birthing position and laugh. I am borderline not even joking.

Stop farting on the podcast. It started about six weeks ago, and you've lost control. Yeah, I can't. I'm sorry. Got an IPS. It's not my fault. He's got a problem. Well, it's just got worse recently, hasn't it? Five, six weeks ago.

You're discriminating against me because I can't control me. Oh, yeah, you're the victim. Get on Twitter with that one. Where's my fucking COVID mask? Oh, just breathe it in. Oh, it's horrible. You're an adult, man. Oh, you're fucking,

you are a dying wildebeest. You're going to be wiping off baby poo in less than two months. Yeah, but I love that kid that's yet to be born. This fucking six-form banger. Would you? These don't go well lately. that's yet to be born, this fucking six-form banger, would you... These don't go well lately.

Would you... Right. Wipe my nappy? Like, if I... If I... Broke both your ankles or something, or you were... were no let's just say like i my abs gets out of hand right so you're and i start wearing nappies yeah yeah and laura's gone you've got to stop killing off my wife in every imaginable i don't kill her off she's just left you yeah okay okay so i've got a nappy on and for some reason i'm looking after you i shit myself right in the

nappy right would you like clean me ass yeah because you're a friend and i'd want to support you yeah so like how about this i can't do it myself because i'm too drunk right but we're on our way to a really important business meeting you're drunk and you've shit yourself christ almighty that's how adam preps for business six pints in a boozer is it is it locked yeah it's a lock-in. Early morning lock-in before a meeting. Adam craps himself in an illegal Uber. Like, you're slowly sobering me up,

but you know I need me nappy cleaning before we go and meet the head of Fox to sell the podcast to America. Would you take me to a parent and child toilet? No. I'm going to stop you there. I'm not saying I won't help.

I don't know if that's the right toilet. Parent and child? I think we might get some looks as we come out of the Asda supermarket parent and child baby change room that, fair enough, does have a changing table. I don't think it's meant for 29-year-old knobheads though. So when we come out of there and you're like,

oh lad, thanks so much for doing that. I feel loads better. And you're slightly hot and sweaty. And I'm like, you know, it just had to be done because it's important, isn't it? I think the look of fear and disgust in the actual parents' eyes with their toddler going,

Mummy, Mummy, why are those two men coming out of our room? I don't think it's worth it. Right. So, yeah. Regular toilet then? Cubicle? Yeah, maybe. Or just maybe in a bush.

Maybe just do it in a bush outside the Asda. Yeah, I'd help you out, you know. No, I wouldn't. What are we on about? Of know no i wouldn't what are we on about because i fucking wouldn't i'll clean your nappy really yeah how old do you think i am adam you're nearly 40 aren't you yeah how old do you think what how bad do you think the 30s is gonna get for you i mean you're 40 so you you're very near to like end of life care. I've just realised, I think I've shit myself in every decade of my life. You have?

There's been three. I think you've shit yourself now. You might need a check. Have you? Do you think you've shit yourself in every decade of your life? Have you? What do you mean by shit yourself? Pooed in your pants.

No. No. Childhood Finn has Yes On the way back from choir practice Yeah can you have Finn yeah First decade on the way back from choir practice

In my twenties I took mushrooms With a girl And we Er Went back to hers She was really nice And then I'd taken so many mushrooms

I lost control of my sphincter And sharted a little bit that was a bad moment because uh the mushrooms had taken an effect but like it's not like you shot and then you're all right your bum's like i lost control dude you're gonna have to go home and then when i was dieting i took uh dulcolax overdosed on laxatives and then i pooed my pants in a car park in sheffield we've talked about it on previous podcasts in my teenage years did I yes yes I did yes I did I remember going to the you know when you used to hang around on the park beautiful summer's evening it was like will you go with my mate and we're all 14 15 and I knew I had the squits but I just couldn't miss out I had the

worst FOMO ever so I took a backpack with two bog rolls in in preparation and I pooed my pants in Hurst Grange Park in Penwood and Preston. I don't, you know, yeah, so every decade. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast

if you've not watched before. Total morons. I'm the only one who hasn't pooed himself in an adult state. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do-la. So did you,

you must have done it in your early years. Obviously I've done it when i was a baby teenage years 10 to 20 maybe when i was 10 but i don't know like when i'm are you still a kid when you're 10 aren't you so maybe but i've never knowingly gone off shit my pants no i can hold it though i can hold a wee all day and a poo all day when he needs to go he needs to go yeah it's quite a strong bladder, mate. He's got IBS, and we talk about it more than we need to because he's a victim.

Survivor. Survivor. IBS survivor. Yeah. I wonder if they'll ever make a documentary about IBS, check how I get to present it. Maybe, yeah. IBS and me.

Yeah. Coming soon. Is there, like, yeah. IBS and me. Yeah. Coming soon. Is there, like, degrees of IBS? Yeah. Is there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's, like, is it, can it be worse? Where would you, so on the IBS scale of, like, one terrible,

if you have, like, salsa, you're like, oh, I've got a bubbly tummy. Yeah. And then 10 just, like. I think there's one where, like, if you even look at oh, I've got a bubbly tummy. Yeah. And then 10 just like. I think there's one where like if you even look at someone having a milkshake. Right. Yeah. Where do you think you are on the scale?

I think I'm like, I'm not that high up. Probably six. Four, five, six. I'm mid-range. You know what I mean? Like if I need to go, I can hold it for a bit. But then like, you know what I mean like if I need to go I can hold it for a bit but then like as you know yeah

but a bit like my four year old she's just got to the point where she goes I need the toilet and then you go she's now old enough that you can be like

hold it until we get there but up until recently if she went I need the toilet she's done it if you yeah it's gone

so that's where you're at in life I'm a four year old you're not far from the control of my four year old daughter yeah you could do like a party in your car I've got a party in my car I haven't really

well I believe that that's sad isn't it I'm 40 in a week and a half where are we going we're going to America now oh we're going big remember I'm 40 in a week and a half. Where are we going? We're going to America now. Oh, we're going big.

Remember last year? Last year we were like, right. What? What are we doing for Dance 40th? What are we doing? Not a goddamn thing. Laura's like, I'm really sad for you that we can't do something special. I'm like, there's been loads of people having birthdays in lockdowns this year you just got to delay it and do something after haven't you yeah i'm not it's like it's fine people have had worse years than me going i'm 40 i wanted to have

a bit of a party got a little plan for you like oh it's like a petting zoo yeah you do like petting zoos you've said that a few times haven't you what yes petting zoos yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like like pigs and that what's your favorite kind of skip eight ton or ten what is it 10 10 ton skip i mean i've got an eight ton right now i'm not i'm not even joking if you went dan i've paid for an eight ton skip for you you made that's my present what a fucking great present that would be that needs to go on the skip constantly this is a skip on wheels oh rent me a skip yeah i'd be so happy no problem consider it done we're not doing presents are we don't let's not start we did christmas really

nicely let's not do birthdays as well it was my birthday actually last week and i got fuck all so right right great great great it was mine in january and i got fuck all as well so yeah yeah yeah when's your birthday finn september oh i'm not asked yeah i'll be dead by then yeah sad though isn't it that we can't do the can't do anything but um it is getting delayed i'm going fucking big for 40 and a half september with your six-month-old child where you going daddy with the boys yeah i've literally several times i've forgotten i'm we're pregnant it's really bad laura doesn't appreciate that you'll be surprised here not a big fan of me going you know we could maybe go to italy in the summer and she's like what's happening on april 27th you're like oh yeah we're having a child

sorry about that why can't do they not let kids in this league i just think by june after a c-section laura's not going to be banged up for going to italy but it's the the point is i am so stupid that i'm like someone's looking good in it and I just forget that we're going to have a baby so can we say now that later in the year we're going to do a thing for my 40th for the pod can we do go and do a patron exclusive

in Amsterdam oh my god yeah please can we do something like that when the old Panny D is hopefully in a lull before the third wave only joking am I why don't we all

go to a Turkish barber and get our bums all sorted out mate Finn sorted out that's not although I got really excited

and then remembered that for my delayed 40th for the podcast we'd all go to a Turkish barber get shaved and then be like

see you then see you later Finn See you later. Finn, have you got the audio file? Right. Where can we go, somewhere fun, that's got a Turkish barber's? Turkey.

Yeah, that's true. I don't want to do a five-hour flight to get my arsehole shaved. Call me a maverick. Call me boring, but that seems excessive. Why don't, for your birthday, me and Carl do Turkish bumhole shaving lessons

and we'll shave it for you? Oh, my God. I've had some. I can do it now. You're going nowhere near my gooch. What about London? Why don't we... There's good Turkish barbers.

There's even Turkish baths. There's ones on London Road. In Liverpool. Right. There's about Turkish barbers. There is even Turkish baths. There's ones on London Road. In Liverpool. Right. There's about 15 of them. Yeah, but can we, for my delayed 40th, it's a big one, isn't it? Big landmark birthday.

Might not see the next one. Can we not just go to somewhere near where you live? I want to do something a bit more exciting than that. Why don't we go to... London and get a barber more shaved. We'll go to Amsterdam. How does that not sound good right now? After the year we've had,

after the lockdown we've just been through and are still in, going to London on the train with you, Belen, would be fucking great fun. And if anyone's like, lads, where are you going? Stag do? No?

Anything big? You're like, we're going to get our bum holes shaved in a big city with proper Turkish people, not half Welsh ones. They're not proper. I can't remember on the roadmap

that Boris Johnson set out when the Turkish bumhole shavers reopened. I can't remember that. 12th of April or 17th of May. Stay home, grow your bum hair, save lives. 17th of May, that one is. Is it, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a big one. Right. I am 40 and a half in September. We're going to Amsterdam, aren't we? No. Do we have to go to Amsterdam? I thought you wanted Amsterdam. Yeah, I just thought we were going to take an easier option.

Amsterdam's like 25 minutes on the plane or something. That's not true. Well, Dublin. Bubbling in Dublin. Yeah, we'll get the boat. That sounds awful. Why? I don't want to get a boat.

It's a booze cruise, isn't it? No. No, it's not. A booze cruise is when you go to France and bring beer home. Not when you just get on a boat to Dublin and get bevvied. Have you heard us, like, literally, like, where do we want to go to get our arseholes shaved? And everyone's like, there is still coronavirus,

and it's still a threat. And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know I know international travel is not going to be easy you're going to need a passport but my arsehole

is not shaving itself I think it's Amsterdam and we all do space cakes and never smoke and we just record I'm not smoking oh we just do cakes then and we record

yeah right and we'll do some crack yeah always with crack heroin should we do heroin once you've had a space cake

you might as well have heroin who isn't would you try heroin ever you've asked that question you've asked you've literally asked 14 to 15 times you've asked me that question

I always forget your answer I he's so rude so you wouldn't try it now no do you need a coffee babes no I'm fine. I'm sound.

Is that heroin? Would you? Would you try it? If you're on a date. If I promise it's not heroin. Pinky promise, right? If we're in Amsterdam and I was like... So September, we're doing it as a Patreon exclusive

we want some content we're always out about content I get to provide all the drugs this is Adam's idea of content Adam gets to pick right

yeah so I just get to give you a drug and go it's not heroin don't worry no would you try it no

why no because I don't trust you at all because it's definitely heroin yeah also what how can you take heroin what in like fucking tablet form Why? No, because I don't trust you at all. Because it's definitely heroin. Yeah. Also, how can you take heroin? What, in like fucking tablet form?

No, you didn't check it, did you? Right. So that narrows down what it could be then, doesn't it? Here's a needle. I'm not going to give you heroin. I'll give you like crack or... Why are you talking about drugs? You don't know what you're on about.

No. I'll just give you a line of weed. I'll give you one tablet of crack. And it could be a tablet of weed. One drugs. It's one drugs. You just take a half a drugs. I would love to see you freak out the drug dealers of Amsterdam

as you wandered around trying to buy drugs that you knew nothing about. How can I help you? Can I have one drugs? Maybe two drugs. How much are drugs? How much is drugs each? How many euro is a drug?

Do they all come in cake form? Can I have? I've heard of space cakes. Can I have a crack muffin? Can I have a crack muffin? I want... A heroin scone. We only have heroin scones, lad.

LSD meringue. LSD meringue. A waska custard cream. LSD meringue LSD meringue Awaska custard cream Ayahuasca custard cream LSD meringue sounds like a

Europa League team doesn't it what what LSD meringue sounds like it's merengue LSD merengue

difficult to get a win at their ground isn't it LSD meringue mate yeah Adam trying to to get a win at their ground, didn't they? Mate. Yeah. Adam trying to like be all cool like,

yeah, you're right. Lot, you're right. Yeah. Have you got any, have you got any ecstasy flapjacks? Are you telling me you wouldn't have

an ecstasy flapjack? Yes! Yeah. I absolutely would. But I'm telling you what the first one would be fine when you were like these aren't working i think we need a second ecstasy flapjack that would be some brutal chewing when you're all dehydrated and semi-high be fucking it would make i'd love to be in the nightclubs

with like cool DJs going all these hot birds knocking about and these bellends with fucking crumbs everywhere going I can't get through this thing I'm flapjack oh god there's a water

can someone please send us in send us hadow heroin in the post. Oh my God. Right. Let's crack a window. Let's get some fresh air in here. Have a word with our Lord and Saviour and then we'll be back.

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Right. So we have had an email. We have many emails. Haveawordpod at gmail.com. Joey Russell, shout out. You have really put the effort in on this one and I appreciate you man you basically made a fucking load of prep

easier by doing a load of prep yourself what's happening Adam Johnson Daniel De Rossi Carlos Tevez and Doctor Who nonce I don't like

Joey's Adam Johnson being a real paedophile isn't that you used to get called Carlos Tevez in school didn't you I did I used to get called

Tevez in school he's not a pretty footballer in school he's not a pretty footballer, is he? It's because I looked Argentinian and I was really good at footy. It was, yeah. He's not the Argentinian you want to be compared to, really, is he? Batistuta. He's tenacious. I'm going to be Batistuta.

Batistuta. He's a very handsome manistuta beautiful Batistuta is a very handsome man yeah Paolo Di Bala do you reckon yeah oh he's a good looking lad yeah he's Italian though I know he's Argentinian

isn't he who am I thinking of I was thinking of Baggio sorry what the fuck is going on here lad I was thinking of Baggio then um the shithead

one of my favourite Argentinians ever played right back for Inter Milan Zanetti yeah Javier Zanetti? Yeah. Javier Zanetti. Really good player. Really good footballer. He says,

we've got a quickfire round for you, Joey, or Joey Russell, has done a quickfire round for each of us and he's made it specific. Who's gone first? Adam.

Oh. Adam. Hey! Would you rather, gotta choose one, who's gone first Adam oh Adam hey would you rather gotta choose one you live and die by the WIR is this quick fire answers

no it's whatever's funny come on we know what we're doing don't we Adam would you rather the Reds finishing below Everton this season or

when you get your arsehole waxed when Joey Joey are you in our minds Reds finishing below Everton this season. Or when you get your arsehole waxed. When? Joey. Joey, are you in our minds? When did you send the email, Joey? I've only just recorded the first section. Fucking hell. When you get your arsehole waxed,

she sticks the strip to your balls as well. So. So I got a two for one. If you know qualms about having waxing strips on your testicles no why would you

that'd be sad wouldn't it no save me a fucking no angle in the bath I don't like staring into my own

do you know you know with waxing the whole thing is that the skin doesn't go with it yeah your balls will go with why

she might literally have a strip of waxing strip on your two testicles. Why? Because there's too much give, isn't there? Yeah. No, mine are quite tucked.

Mine are just like two little tiny knees. What? Honestly, I knew you'd back yourself into a corner and you didn't know what to say, but that was one of the most mental things you've ever said. My balls are like two tiny knees. Okay, crazy person. My balls are more like knees than eggs in socks.

Right. So apparently, Joey, who's got the phone on? I heard a ba-doom. It was me, sorry. It's gone off now. Very unprofessional. Sorry. So apparently, anything but the Reds finishing below Everton.

I'd lose one bollock for Liverpool to get Champions League football and sign Mbappe. Right. I'd happily lose a bollock for that. Liverpool's season, they'll... You don't need both bollocks. No, you don't. If anything, having one just below your dick

is more convenient clothing wise isn't it and like sitting wise what like it'd be more streamlined if we just had one oh hang on

you're not talking about losing a ball you're talking about if like genetically we just had one no I'm saying I'd happily lose one

oh so but you're gonna lose left or right, so it's going to sit left or right, isn't it? Yeah, but they only sit left and right because they're sort of leaning on each other, don't they? You think it's going to pop right down? It'll do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? No, no, I guess it's, you know. You don't have to draw it. What's he trying to do? I'm trying to do a ball. We all get the imagery, though. Yeah. It's not dead company. You won't get it. I'm trying to do a ball. We all get the imagery though. Yeah. It's not dead company.

You won't get it. I've got to show you. Like Newton's cradle. Yeah, yeah. It's just like that. Take the, these are your balls. Yeah.

So they sit there. You lose your left ball and this one just drops in place. Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. Well, I'd rather lose the right one actually, but that's getting in the weeds, isn't it? And that's for Mbappe. Yeah. Killian Mbappe. I'd rather lose the right one actually but that's getting in the weeds isn't it and that's for Mbappe

yeah Killian Mbappe I'd sell a bollock oh my god I don't have Harland imagine if he was shit yeah and then you were infertile

Ted is crucious pre-season oh my god he does play he does play against LSD fucking meringue yeah Ted is crucious

Adam would you only be able to wear Have A Word merch all day every day something very hip hop have a word merch all day every day something very hip-hoppy about that line all day every day or have to be bollocko for every pod i don't know i don't want him to be naked for every pod i'm going to change that to you have to be topless so have a word merch or all the all the it's about to go down

I want me hoodie get you there he is broadcasting get your fucking tits out yeah so where would you go merch or topless

yeah you wouldn't go Bert Kreischer you wouldn't go the machine of podcasting? What he's forgetting is I designed the merch. So all I'd have to do is just copy an All Saints jacket design and put a Havre Word logo on the back. And wear that for your wedding?

There you go. Right. You'd look such a cunt in that, wouldn't you? Why? Because that's a nice jacket with a Have A Word logo. Yeah, but I just put the logo at the very back on the neck. It doesn't have to be fucking...

He's cheating. He's basically cheating. I need to find loopholes in every question so that my life is easy. Right. Or would you rather, last one,

have a voice like you've been hailing helium normally, in normal life. Yeah. All day, every day, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But as soon as you get in the bedroom,

you sound like Barry White. Or. Was that real? That was Rick Ross. Sounded like a bronchial pensioner. Barry White's in the bedroom, he's handy, isn't he? Or a voice like Barry White's in the bedroom It's handy isn't it Or A voice like Barry White

All day Every day But once you get in the bedroom For the love times For the sex of times You've got the tiny Tim voice Yeah so you've got to be Barry White in the bedroom

I wouldn't mind Walking around with a Helium voice In general Well you're done on this podcast Aren't you Why You couldn't do the podcast

If I was talking like this No no i know your career would be in the fucking bin you'd be in the bin i can make it work i can do it but i couldn't it'd be very hard to make a woman come while you're out like this this is so like this is like doing a podcast with Phil Walker no I don't think so is this helium at all yeah no but that's about it you're changing your accent

as well yeah you're going Lancashire for some reason I don't know why you're alright I don't know I've got helium there we go

that's better isn't it now you're doing the wirral yeah you're doing very well there yeah high lake just do you with helium I don't know how to There we go. That's better, isn't it? Now you're doing the Wirral. Yeah, you're doing very well there. High Lake. Just do you with helium.

I don't know how to. Would you not be better doing sexy? Hey, welcome to the Heverwood podcast. But imagine talking to a woman all night in a bar with that voice and then you get it in the bedroom. And now you're talking like this. She'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Where's Barry Wicombe?

And get that fucking green costume off. I wish I could fly. Right into the sky. Fuck yeah. I reckon, yeah, I reckon you'd be squeaky in real life. If a woman loves you,

if your partner loves you, she'll be able to put up with the squeaky bedroom. She'll just be like, Adam, please don't make any noise during sex no you have to be like don't yeah but i always shout when i come what's your shout silly person i mean it's a silly question but he's really really

shouts when he comes I normally shout I'm fucking done get off me I was going I'm fucking done

get off me that's as I'm coming but if you're shouting like that when I'm fucking done get off me then Abel's gonna think you've got a fucking

kid trapped haven't you Jesus Christ I'm fucking done get off me Dan these are the quick fire ones would you rather Jesus Christ I'm fucking done get off me Dan these are the quick fire ones would you rather never wear a hat again

or never watch NFL ever again the hat would be off straight away I don't wear the hat a lot I just

on the podcast I wear the hat and on stage on stage I wear the hat I like your head i thanks mate um but i could not give up the nfl i would it's my hobby it's like all i listen to on podcast is maybe a bit of like sagura and uh your mom's house and you look harder but you're that off

is that the skinhead thing I just think yeah when you've got your cap on and especially with the the headphones as well you're sort of you know you look harmless

harmless yeah that's good though yeah but take them both off for us no why I don't want to

I want you to take everything off and frown you didn't get your tits out if you do I'll get my tits off that's my version of nudity is taking these glasses off this hat off and these headphones off

if you go topless I'll go headless you go headless first I'll go topless do it at the same time no same time use it

go on use it I'm not doing it I'm not getting my tits out these fucking images live forever I can't start an OnlyFans got my tits out these fucking images live forever I can't start an OnlyFans if my tits are already out there

great really good business model don't give him any tits for free babe it's your body would you rather a night with your dream woman or a night free of wife

and kids soon to be kids surely they coincide you're not just bringing pixie lotto for a family dinner and a pizza lotto kids. Surely they coincide. You're not just bringing pixie lotto for the family dinner and a pizza lotto, are you? You get a night with your dream

woman, but she's got to come and stay with you in your house with your heavily pregnant missus. Laura, I know you're upset. Yes! You're seven weeks away from the C-section, but it's a would you rather and I take them

seriously madam um honestly a night free of wife and kids is is I don't want it loads I wouldn't want it

all the time but it's such a treat it's such a treat and then you just do nothing you ought to shout one can't you what is this

it's very quiet sinister my my self time oh no Touch a tree and then you just do nothing. You ought to shout one, can't you? What is this thing? It's very quiet, sinister, my self time. Oh, no. You need to let yourself go because you'll really enjoy it. No, just like animalistic screaming. Imagine what a wolf sounds like when its leg's caught in a bear trap. Try and sound like that while you're wanking, and it just adds another layer to it.

Where the fuck did that come from? No, what I do is I shout, I'm done, get off me! Even when I'm just on my own. Favourite team win the Premier League, or favourite team win the Super Bowl? Watford winning the Premier League, or the Saints winning the Super Bowl? Saints winning the Premier League or the Saints

winning the Super Bowl? Saints winning the Super Bowl could have happened three times in the last four years if we hadn't been fucking

unlucky and not quite good enough. Definitely good enough in terms of squad, in terms of roster. I enjoyed Leicester winning the Premier

League in 2016 so fucking much. I just found it massively entertaining. I think it might have been the point. I tried to work out when football drifted for me, and it was probably the start of the downward turn. And when we all stood in that pub in Liverpool, and you, me, and your brother watched Watford get hammered,

what felt like 17-0 by City. I think that might have been the point because the next season, Watford were like, had PTSD from that cup final and then went down. Yeah, I think if Watford won the Premier League, considering we're third in the second tier, it would be pretty entertaining. Did you find, I know you support other Premier League teams, did you find that entertaining

when Leicester got a run on that year? Like it was pretty remarkable, wasn't it? Yeah, no, it was good as a football fan to see an absolute rank

outside and do something like that. A team that at the start of the previous season had been in the relegation zone at the start of the year, hadn't they? Yeah, but...

Promoted the season before. Yeah, they got promoted just to avoid the relegation and then won start of the year, hadn't they? Yeah, but... Promoted the season before. Yeah, they got promoted just to avoid the relegation and then won the league. The thing is, they were good. Leicester were good. And I don't want to take anything away from them, but I think it is quite easy to. Because I think they benefited from the fact

that every other team was weirdly in the same transitional period and was really bad. Like every other team was breaking in new players or a new manager or whatever. So most seasons they would have been second maybe behind the Arsenal, Chelsea, Man United. They won it with what, 82 points? Yeah, 81 I think it was.

Like that'll get you third this season. City are like two, three games off that now probably. Or is City on 60 odd? Mate, there's been a lot of Premier League titles won with 81 points, haven't there? Over the years, but recently it's been maybe higher scoring, yeah. I think they benefited from that

and I think they also, and I don't mean in... If you come out with a conspiracy here... No, it's not a conspiracy. I think they're into Thai-based voodoo. No. Hillary Clinton has been to the king power. I think they benefited from

there was a lot of teams that I'd fuck all to play for who I don't think were that arse when they lost to Leicester because it was fair enough do you know what I mean

I think like teams in mid-table were going one or two no downs Leicester and going ah but they'll probably win the league and that'll be funny won't it yeah fair enough I just think from an independence point of view one of the reasons Teams in mid-table will go and one or two no-downs less and going, ah, but they'll probably win the league and that'll be funny, won't it?

Yeah, fair enough. I just think from an independence point of view, one of the reasons I love the NFL is the way their system is set up. It empowers the crap teams and it levels out the best teams. Everyone's got the same wages and you can't buy players. If you generate money as a business,

you can only put it into your stadium and your facilities. You cannot buy players, you cannot buy contracts beyond the NFL's mandatory $185 million a year for your roster of 53. And it means it's incredible how it regenerates. So the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were objectively one of the shittest teams in the league

four years ago. The Kansas City Chiefs were, rank the worst team in the league eight, nine years ago. They got the first overall pick

and now we're in an era where they are the two Super Bowl teams and it generates, regenerates that quickly. And football, one of its failings, it's,

you can never change it, it's part of it, is the Giants are huge, people can invest into them, you can never change it, it's part of it, is the Giants are huge, people can invest into them, they can be a lucky run or whatever, but really the Giants will always be Giants and there's teams, especially Watford size, if we get an amazing player, like the last one we had that was tremendous

was Ashley Young, someone goes, fuck, he's good, nice one, there's nine million quid, we'll have that. Yeah, and it keeps the small club small Ashley Young, someone goes, fuck, he's good. Nice one. There's nine million quid. We'll have that. Yeah. And it keeps the small club small. And then once in a while, there is a team, and don't get me wrong,

the Leicester owners aren't poor. And you pronounce their surname. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even going to attempt it. Into the V, doesn't it? But they just put this run together where as a supporter of a smaller team,

like I watched Leicester and Watford play in 97-98 when Watford were managed by Martin O'Neill at Vicarage Road. We went down and they went up that season. They're a lower, smaller team, basically. And to watch them win,

you're right, all of those factors found that very entertaining. Even though I'm not a leicester fan and one of my biggest regrets and i'm a fucking muppet for this they did their they did their tour around the city you know when they do the trophy parade and it was on monday it was a bank holiday monday and i lived in toton which is about half an hour on the train and the train i could have got laura to drive me 10 minutes and I could have got the train half an hour

and I would have been there. And I said to myself, I'm just going to go to Leicester. I'm going to have a wander around just to see the energy of the city that day and see what it's like. And in the end, I was like, ah, I can't be bothered. And I've kicked myself. I've kicked myself.

The two that would have been the second opportunity, Eddie Brimson, who we had on a few weeks ago. I forgot this. And after the episode, I remembered we were doing Cardiff Glee. I was doing Cardiff Glee and he was doing Cardiff Jonglers on the same weekend. We'd met the year before. And often, you know, this at comedy clubs, if some guys are at one and some guys the other,

you'll meet up on the Saturday, maybe get coffee get get some lunch and it was uh the fa cup final on the saturday and he went have you ever been to an fa cup final i was like no so if you don't know wembley got rebuilt and for about six seven eight years all the cup finals were in cardiff and the millennium stadium cardiff is right next to the city centre, which makes it even more special because you're literally train station town. You look round and there's a fucking 80,000 seat stadium. And he was like, let's walk round the stadium.

Let's walk round the town on cup final day. And he took me on a little loop. We walked round all the Liverpool fans. There was fucking loads of them. We saw these guys with a Rafa Benitez painting, like a mural, and they were walking around and they had bells. And they went,

make way, make way. And everyone was like, fucking Rafa. I'm telling you right now that they weren't from Liverpool. Right. Fair enough. Fair enough.

But the bars were teeming and it was all the reds on one side. And he went, yeah. And Eddie's like, you know, from Watford, he was like, yeah, the energy will be great. Watch this. And you walk around, it's really friendly. It's a fun town.

It's buzzing. And literally Eddie went around the corner, he went, right, we're going to go to the West Ham bit. Feel the energy with these miserable cunts, right? And as soon as we got around the corner, it was all claret and blue. And it was like, meh. And I'm so chuffed that he took me for that loop around the stadium,

around the little part of town. And I should have done it that day for Leicester winning the league. Cause it would have just been great to be in amongst a small city. He was like, we will the fucking league. So, um, Carl.

Yeah. God, it's been a very football. He won, hasn't it? Carl Everton top four or Liverpool bottom three one hasn't it Carl Everton top four or Liverpool bottom three what would you rather

Everton top four that's really positive that because that's Liverpool going down I don't want Everton to get relegated you know this is like a common like we've been asked

stuff like this before and I get it on Twitter every now and then like someone will just send me a message I love Everton being there and I like last week when we

lost to them, horrendous, awful whatever but like and I'm not stoking the fires here. I sort of like that there's a slightly worse team from right by ours that we get to take the piss out of a bit and getting to play them twice a year is always fun and genuinely

if Everton won something I'd be made up for him and the Everton fans are my mates I don't hate Everton I think they're quite a good club As I say I went to the 05 Champions League my brothers are red

I went to the 05 Champions League parade and Carragher was my cousin's mate I wore his Champions League medal for like half an hour when I went to his house I wonder if Man United fans felt the same

until about 2009 like you know I like having City there, play them better than when they're in League One. And then all of a sudden, here comes Abu Dhabi with a fuckload of money. Like, footy for me is about rivalries and stuff. Like, I enjoy it.

I wouldn't want them to not be there. I'd hate to be a one town a one club town like Leeds or Newcastle yeah

just like that's very true it's just a bit boring yeah and then they hate everyone I've never known a team hate more other clubs

than Leeds like we hate all the shitty teams in Yorkshire Bradford fuck off Understeel fuck off

and we also ate Newcastle United Liverpool Chelsea fucking scum when we beat them last week I didn't give a

we were watching it with his little brother his little brother was raging like oh Camden we fucking lost to Everton and I was like I couldn't give a fuck about you right now

Liverpool this is about Everton yeah I mean I feel like Liverpool watching you two, it's quite good rivalry. It's not like really nasty, is it? We've talked about that before.

No. Just think, sport rivalry is fun. Like, it's meant to be fun. You're not meant to actually want to kill someone for liking a different football team than you. There's a lot of Liverpool fans who do hate Everton fans

and there's an awful lot of Everton fans who are really aggressively yeah but when it boils down to it we're all scouts at the end of the day and we are very

fucking resolute together yeah whereas just take a trip up the fucking M6 by the way and it gets a little different innit

it's not like up there you're like oh I'll tell you what it's a fucking nightmare on old firm D she's a fucking Celtic fan I'm a Rangers fan that's not how that there You're like Oh I'll tell you what It's a fucking nightmare On old Firm D She's a fucking Celtic fan I'm a Rangers fan

That's not how that works Is it Is it not Is there no like Inter family Very much It's generational isn't it It's also religious based

I know it's religious Yeah I think I think it's a bit more I'm talking out Didn't they We're all scouts So it gets to a point where

Yeah but they're all Glaswegians Yeah I know But as you're saying There's not There's not any other extenuating circumstances. If I could give us, you know,

talking about my 41st, all football's on next and I can get us four tickets, flights and everything to a derby. Which derby are we all going to?

Galatasaray. We wouldn't last. Are you fucking kidding? You might get away with it. I know you want your arsehole shaved. Galatasaray. Is it Fenerbahce Galatasaray? We wouldn't last 10 minutes.

No, we will. You get a half and half scarf so that both teams like us. You two would. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, yeah, they'd love that. I'd love to see, is it Bocca River Plate? Oh, yeah, but that's just the same, innit? It's the same violence

yeah definitely let's just go and watch St Livingston yeah let's go and watch Portsmouth play Southampton

their own reserves I'd like to go to an old firm yeah I would as in like experience it because that's rivalry, innit? Which end would you want to sit in? I wouldn't choose one.

I'd stand in the middle of the pitch. The home team. Home team. I'm going to play the numbers and go home team. Well, it's at Ibrox. Fucking fuck you, the hoops. Yeah, all right. I'd like to experience it from a box or something.

Also, the Classico. God, we talk football more than we've ever talked football you'd love to see Real Madrid Barcelona yeah but it's so touristy though so like I know

but like that's like going oh there's no point going like to Rome it's so touristy you're still in Rome you don't have to be a chump about it

yeah I think it's the most it's the that's the calmest Rome or Lazio yeah if you go like you might get stabbed there, but it'd be fucking...

It'd be fun, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think I'd like to go to Argentina and watch them, but like, safe. Yeah, I honestly thought you were going to say Portsmouth, Southampton, which can get a bit tasty. Yeah, they all can, can't they? Like, they all can. Well, yeah, Everton top four over Liverpool going down.

I don't give a fuck about them. It's But yeah Everton top four Over Liverpool going down Why Don't give a fuck about them It's all about Everton Karl Only be able to Speak and understand Japanese Okay But you have to live in England

Or You can only speak English And you live in Japan But you can't learn Any of their language I did that one Yeah Would you do that again

Yeah I did it No but Would you rather do it? The alternative is wandering around as they're not knowing what any of the fucking aisles have got in. Looking at packets going, the fuck's a patatas for this ass? Patatas?

What? How can you be mentioning that? Callback! I lived in Japan for a year and didn't speak Japanese. It's dead easy. Carl, would you rather someone cut you up every time you drive or a nope I did not read that one properly

or a child using your balls as a speed bag for one minute of every day or a young Mike Tyson yeah how old an 8 a young Mike Tyson. Yeah. A child. How old? How old? Eight.

An eight-year-old Mike Tyson. No, an eight-year-old child. Random child. An eight-year-old child doesn't have to speed bag. Oh, yeah. So it'll just... Yeah, just show them. Yeah, come here.

Is it in private? Timmy, I know you're dying. Come here. Is it in private tell me i know you're dying come here all right is it in private yeah so you either have to get caught up every time you drive or you have to private you have to have it you have to pause privately speed bag but i think probably with a legal guardian for the child the speed bag my balls just Yeah. I hate my road rage. I hate my road rage, I wish. Oh, shit. I don't want it.

It's for one minute a day. A minute of? Yeah. Oh, God, that'd ruin your mornings, wouldn't it? Coffee. I get caught up every day anyway. So basically, it's, do you want to live the life you have now, or do you want to get punched in the balls for the minute every day

by an eight-year-old child? Maybe once a minute for the day I get caught up. Because everyone gets cut up every time they drive don't they no not every time oh I like that

one for Finn drive over the Roncorn Bridge and you'll see can I ask him Finn you've got two for Finn

yeah you've only got two no no you've not got two but Joey got a third one yeah and now I wish

I'd not deleted it it was like oh I can't think of a third one. How many leaks would you stuff up your arse as a Welshman? It just got weirdly like anti-Welsh

and I won't have that because we're a podcast of equality. Fuck those dragon shagging cunts. Dragon shagging. Got it on the flag, haven't you?

How do you pronounce dragon? In Welsh? Yeah. I'm not actually sure what dragon is in Welsh. Dragon. Dragon. There you go.

Sure. If you could take the place of Adam, Dan or Carl on the podcast, who would you choose? Oh, that is a good one. I'm not funny enough off the cuff to do that. But you've got to replace one of us. Basically, would you rather replace me or dan or sit there or do the job you're doing now few more responsibilities more money

would you rather finn is so young and nice that he genuinely looked at Carl like, oh, no, I'm worried about what I'm going to say. Like, Carl's going to be like, right, we're going to just go to the break, lad. You know. Yeah, no, it's Carl. Yeah. Well done, lad. And would you rather be the doctor in Doctor Who

or be an alive and kicking John Lennon? Oh. I don't know who he's kicking. It's John Lennon. It's John Lennon. It's just because it's unattainable, isn't it? It's a little corner, don't you who he's kicking It's John Lennon It's just because it's unattainable Yeah Definitely It's a very weird one to say Would you rather be

John Lennon What a strange Daydream That's my fantasy That's genuinely my fantasy So Your soul Is put into John Lennon. I'd love that.

Who is now not John Lennon. No, no. So, you have to live his life, right? So, it's like, say, Pete John Lennon, post-Beatles, early 70s. Yeah. You are in his body. And everyone's like, John, will you perform Imagine for us? And you're like, oh, fuck.

I'm a 24-year-old Welshman. I know how to play Imagine on the piano. I'd be all right. Yeah, so do I. I can do it on the keyboard. I can sing, so I'd be comfortable with that. I know most of John Lennon's repertoire on the guitar. How fucking confident have you got to be

to be like, I can play Imagine on the keyboards, and I'm a singer. I can be John Lennon. That's the most... No one will know a fucking thing. It'll be like when they replaced Paul McCartney with that lookalike.

You know when Paul McCartney died and they got that lookalike guy in? Yeah, Billy Shears. Yeah. Yeah. I could do it. What would you rather see live?

Oh, it's John Lennon, isn't it? John Lennon. Just John Lennon. John Lennon or Doctor Who live. Is that what lennon trump john lennon or doctor who live is that what you're gonna say yeah one of the live recordings so a doctor who stage show west end doctor who or the greatest songwriters of all time reincarnated could you imagine doctor would you rather actually be God or go for a nice walk? Oh, God.

I didn't realise you were such a John Lennon fan. Yeah, no. When I speak to people, they say I'm a bit weird. Because I know he was a bad guy. But he's the closest thing. Why was he bad? He used to beat his wives and stuff. But what did they do?

Oh, God. Today of all days. Today of all days. So pleased with himself as well. Look at him fucking... Don't worry about it. I've got carpets on soon. Selfish, silly prick. So, yeah, he was... imagine all the podcasts that we could have done you may say that we're bellends, but we're not the only ones.

I hope someday you'll join Patreon. Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. What a pleasure it has been. We'll see you after the break with one of the great white hopes of Northwest comedy, Simon de Wozniak. Yeah, itak yeah gonna be good to have simon in there i've wanted him on for ages one of my favorites good lad so see you after the money peeps but in lids do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world well i do but i'm sick of getting beat by the bookies now i've been going to betting gods.com since they started sponsoring this podcast. They're a great sponsor to have on board

and they are the best tipsters in the betting game. Anything from tennis to ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets. You want to be winning your bets.

Bettingguards.com. They're going to help you do that. We're back. Oh, here we are. We're back. It's beer o'clock. Oh, I know. As soon as you said it, I was like, Adam.

Bantasaurus Rex. Yeah, this podcast is proudly sponsored by Birramoretti, La Authentica, Premium Lager. Go to birramoretti.com slash have a word pod. You'll get fuck all for free. But go to beer52 still. Are they still sponsoring you? Beer52. Yeah.

Yeah, they don't really have anything to lose by sponsoring us because they only pay us if people sign up. Right. So people get signed up, they have to pay the postage and they get a crate and then you can cancel. But to be fair to Beer 52, it's not a one-click cancel.

And I think that is a... You have to do it on the phone. Fair to say. You're a cunt aren't you Amazon are like that aren't they they're like in Edinburgh going listen we gave you a fucking creative beer

you at least speak to us to fuck us off so you do have to ring and there's a lovely woman who's like oh no you won't be wanting to leave beer 52

you're like I really do want to leave yeah it's Lorraine Kelly yeah she's there oh come on i mean what's an evening without a craft ape so you've got to ring them to cancel over here yeah and then they go yeah no worries it's not like they're not like like angry fucking are they the only one no we've got loads you got manscaped haven't Betting Gods. It looks like we've gone... Simon, just before you start,

just mention all the sponsors. They'll be really good. Bettinggods.com, Supreme CBD. Who else? Beer of Moretti. Who do we want? Never mind who we got. Who do we want?

I want a beer. Millennium Blue. And I want a butt plug. Heineken. I want Heineken. Quinn's got the sex toys, hasn't he? Oh, I've got their number Freddie

Freddie Quinn he's he got because he's a TikToker because he's a TikToker I mean he looks 50 I know yeah but he's on TikTok

he got a box of sex toys gifted from a sex company is that right I think it's weird that Freddie's on TikTok and I know he's not here

to defend himself and we shouldn't be slagging Freddie Quinn off because he's our friend and stuff right but he's gone on the young person's platform and of all the comedians

I know if you told me one of them had fucked a 15 year old yeah I'd go Freddie I really think you've got TikTok

not as sorted in your head everyone's on it now and I can't I can't i can't it's such a i'd rather not my wife is so into tiktok what the dancing and i'm watching i like watching that i'm not doing me wrong i'd fucking love i've seen 15 minutes i'm just there 44 minutes

why why have you got one more yeah why have you got one more yeah why have you got an extra large jumper when you can clearly wear a small because that's over from something called

titties I've watched a few of them the young Asian girls it was like three Asians going yeah yeah yeah

baby I think Freddy like every other comic can do what the fuck he wants in a panini yeah and make some money oh i'm not saying it's just something that i go i can't do that like that's i can't i can't simon you as as much as i know and and respect your work i don't see you as the next tiktok comedian North West no I don't see that it doesn't fit with your no

every time I see you in that jacket I take the piss out of it and it's just dice clay yeah it's a dice clay jacket it's a dice clay jacket

I was going on here to do a few nursery rhymes that's all I wanted to do that was it you were doing them last time we were out weren't you yeah I was

lit on this muffin sat on my fucking dick yeah oh do you know the nursery rhymes I last time we were up weren't we yeah it was lit on this muff and sat on my fucking dick yeah oh do you know the nursery rhymes I the only reason

I know Dice Clay is because I listen to American podcasts and they they all hold him in such like esteem don't they

yeah he's for Rogan and Burr he was the comic that was smashing it on TV at like

in his late 20s at 30 when they were all like working jobs at 18 19 so burr talks about him in like legendary ways like they'd all come into work and they'd all repeat what they saw after died have you heard a bit of that yeah when he when he does three hours in a comedy club not listed or anything and just turns up on like a wednesday something. There's like 30 people and people don't even know who he is. Is it in Dangerfield? Yeah, I think so.

It's just after he did the Madison Square Gardens thing. And he's just, and there's like 30 people there. It's the random sort of night. No one knew who he was or they weren't a fan of him. And he's just put out this thing and his agent was like, if you do this, you're done.

Because he did like three hours in in three nights rogan always quotes it because at some point in some point of the three hour audio someone from like minnesota goes you're about as funny as a glass of milk and and rogan's never got over that as the funniest thing you could ever keep in your own failed special yeah they basically Dice Clay, that special. So why did he put that out as he spoke about it? Because he's mental. I've no idea. No, I can't remember.

He was on Rogan talking about it, but I have no idea why he did that. I think because he was so famous and he'd done like 70,000 or whatever it was. Yeah, I think cocaine might have had something to do with it as well. What gave you the confidence to whack out a three-hour piece of shit? Interestingly, Carl Donnelly told me that if he ever does a special, he wants to release two versions of it.

One is, like, filmed in front of his fans who love it, and another one is filmed in front of people who actively don't like him. To show people the exact same material. Takes balls, that. Oh, but that's such a great B-side. Yeah. What a B-side. What, seeing the show go badly?

Well, to be like, hear it. You could even do it three times. I'm not adding, that's a genius idea by Carl. I fucking love Carl Donnelly. He is such a good comedian and a sound guy and an interesting original voice and i love like like he's the only vegan that i really like he makes veganism seem well less annoying i'd love it if you did it in a theater by the jacket in it in a theater like a proper special

in a theater then like a 2000 seater then one in a hot water sized club and then one in front of a crowd that didn't know you and weren't keen what a brilliant

like what about an open mic night yeah just doing it turn up at some 10 people sat in a pub in Wellington yeah

and doing an hour there yeah so go on where's your where's the where's the theater you're doing what if i come to you i'm like i'm netflix i'm dan flicks yeah we're going to really take on the big boys i want you to film three specials we're going to put them out chapelle-esque

where's your theater i wouldn't even know i'd know like clubs no no i mean what where would you want your theater show to be yeah Yeah, he understands the question. I just don't think he can name any theatres. I don't think I can name any theatres. I think that's the problem Simon's having. Yeah, I've not looked into 500 seats plus theatres to do a show out of anything like that. You're looking at, like, Dan, you know loads of theatres. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know tons.

I don't know. I'm not really... I do a Radio City musical in New York. Yeah, probably something, like, mental. Something cool Madison Square Garden There you go Let's be honest

Stick me on there You might have to Comp a few seats Yeah And then I'd do The Oxford Glee Mate what about The York Barbican

If you really Oh yeah That'd be the lowest one Yeah 3000 people in York Fucking shithole I'm not into York it's a long thing

with this podcast I really know I've just never had a good gig there two gigs yeah and then do Comedy Balloon

as the last one in Manchester with eight open spots going he was a cunt to me at Beat the Frog that would make for a really good

stand up special yeah I think that would be an interesting one to see like a real good actor doingup special. Yeah, I think that would be an interesting one to see a real good actor doing 60 minutes there. Eddie Izzard did his special in... He did his... This is 15, 20 years ago.

Did the special, put it out on a DVD, and the B-side was him doing it in Paris, doing the whole thing in French, which is a flex and a half, isn't it? Yeah, I think if I... It's just a bit sort of wanky, that though, for me. Eddie Izzard is a bit wanky, isn't he? It's very good.

She. They. They. She. They. It's a they. Eddie Izzard is... Just flag me up when I'm wrong.

Good. Yes. End of sentence. Eddie Izzard's a woman now, though, isn't she? And I don't know whether she's... Right. Well, Eddie Izzard... Edna Izzard's a woman now though, isn't she? I don't know whether she's changed or not. Right. Well, Edna Izzard.

Edna Izzard. The dirty old bitch. Did, especially in French. What? When are we going to introduce Simon? We did it, didn't we? Ladies and gents, it's Simon Wozniak! He doesn't know theatres, but he knows pronouns he does um thanks

for coming in pleasure what have you been uh what have you been up to i prefer talking about andrew dice clare guys not a lot not a lot just in the house chilling with the fam are you working from home no no no are you a key worker then i know you don't want to say where you're at i'm considered a key worker yeah considered a key worker i was thinking about this today the people who are considered key workers are everywhere open at the minute is considered a key worker so that means fucking balthazar who runs the fucking pizza domino the pizza gaff by ours is a key worker like history will look upon him the same way as like a a covered nurse absolutely yeah hopefully so no to be honest i'd much rather clap for a takeaway that turned up yeah yeah it was just a piss take isn't it calling them heroes and key workers

that's like just spitting in the face of the staff of the co-op and that you're not a hero why because you're just not

like if I wasn't I worked in the co-op no fucking hero no one treated me with any respect was this pre nothing was this COVID pre COVID you know No one treated me with any respect. Was this pre-COVID?

Oh, pre-COVID. You're no hero pre-COVID. Just a grumpy bell-end worker in court. Now, Simon, now they're heroes. It started like you were like, you didn't want the credit. I'm no hero. I don't do it. I don't do it to be called a hero. I do it for £6.97 an hour.

Also, I did it in 2008, 2009. I didn't do it anywhere near a pandemic. I'm no hero. Don't label me a fucking hero. Yeah. Heroes wear capes, mate. I wear a fucking badge. It says Dave because I lost mine.

Have you ever had a job? yeah yeah I quit I quit I quit uni and then got a job in a comedy club

and then I started doing comedy but before I went to uni I had a year out which like after my mum died I couldn't do

A levels so I went and got two jobs and scared the shit out of myself i worked in a steel stockholding warehouse in north preston and uh it was just like is this is this it and that and they were like yeah you could maybe do manager training i was like i'd rather pull my dick off so it was a massive i don't know this might not ring true for everyone but i would be all for like my daughter getting to 16 or my kids getting to 16 or after a levels and then having a year

in a job without qualifications just to make them go i'll do this is working life and it's if you've not specialized or you've not picked if you're not got lucky it's pretty fucking tough because i think some people stay in education to go higher than degree, because they don't want to just go get the job and then they go, that's it now. It's just, this is the job. So they go, oh, I'll go and do a master's, PhD, whatever,

because they feel like they're working towards, it's not like, it's not final. Like I had that when I went, when I had a job, after I'd failed all the A levels and shit. Everyone was like, you have to get a job now. I was like, all right, whatever.

And then I applied. What did you do? I got a job on supply chain in John Lewis where Adam Staunton worked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Liverpool comedian. Supply chain.

Yeah, supply chain. Basically stocking the shelves. But it was fuck all to do. So we'd we'd be walking around with a pen stuck and then it get on this box get on this right so you just go in there and you just look at you got it looking at the bathroom accessories like so is that is that where you go to john lewis and there's like a little corner bit for collections? Is that what I mean?

It's them, but you also... If you've ever collected anything for John Lewis, there's like a little seated area and a reception and they're like, oh, are you here for collections? And then they disappear into the room and they're meant to bring back your box. Yeah, so it's that sort of team going around. And there's fuck all to do, but I used to go to bookies all the time

and I that's really bad but this is what happened 47329 so I was there trying to you know

fucking I was thinking this isn't enough money for me so I was like 19 or 20 at the time so then I'd leave on my first break

at like half 10 which meant to be a 15 minute break and then I'd go to the bookies so like do you know John Lewis's and then you go down to Anita with the lab book is by boogles so i'd go i'd

go to that one and i was in there and obviously none of you are gamblers are you no right i have a little right so i was like bad so therefore i'm putting it how old were you 19 19 year old gamblers that's high stakes it doesn't matter what you're betting it's high stakes half 10 i'm going in feeding the machine and all that i stayed in there there's a 15 minute break i got back a That's high stakes It doesn't matter what you're betting It's high stakes Half ten I'm going in Feeding the machine and all that I stayed in there There was a 15 minute break I got back a quarter past twelve

I was coming up the escalator To the fucking The floor two With the bathroom accessories And my manager Was a bit of a fucking weirdo He was like Sam

Where have you been? And I was like Sorry mate I've been helping out downstairs And he was like Oh god I didn't know where you'd gone And I was just there I mate i've been helping out downstairs and he's like oh god i didn't know where you'd gone and i was just there i had like a big fucking wad of cash because i won and then i did three days and i lost it all three days i went from having like got paid like 900 quid got up to like 1400 quid and two grand

and then by the Sunday yeah there's a reason there's bookies all over the shop isn't it it's not because they keep losing well you go to Cambridge

and they've got one bookies and it's shrouded by a load of ivory and that and you wouldn't even know it's fucking there is that true

I don't know no but you in your head also in my head now no because I'm some pissed fella having a ciggy

in the lab I want to go down to Cambridge and find the secret bookies there's a fucking owl whisper to it yeah no but but um yeah no you look at like the map of it because they did a big documentary on these fixed odds betting terminals and they were just like in the north and the deprived areas there's like 15 bookies within about like a five mile radius or something. And then you go down to Cambridge, Oxford, all these,

and they've got like one or two. That's it. But they've lowered the limit now. It's like a quid a spin because you could lose. So like, oh, it's like fucking crack. The gambling thing is the whole way they make money is going look everyone else loses money you know that we know that yeah but the sell is but you can be the one that fucking wins like and that's like you have to be a bit like yeah but you get to that

point with the roulette is that the sign he did the roulette because I couldn't be arsed fucking horses and I didn't understand it. But the roulette is like you put it in, your number comes in, and you fucking win. It was just like bam, bam, bam, bam. It's so basic, isn't it? Yeah, it's just like. So you're in the book, he's just not the fucking gambler.

I thought you were like betting on horses. No, no, no, fuck that. He was waiting for a computer to decide whether it can be asked giving him some money no but the thing is you can you can get up but you can't

leave you just can't go I remember the first time I went I was like 17 we sat at the pub and then these

fellas who were 18 said we'll go to the bookies and I was like alright sound put like a quid or two quid in

and was just doing red or black and got up to like nine pound and they said we're going now so i cashed out i was like i think i think put two quid and i've got 10 or something like that i was like oh wow and then it just fucking six years of misery really do you still gamble now uh um no his missus is definitely watching

you there you go i've just lost 700 quid can we get a dominoes you fucking what you're gonna fuck it do you think we are not made of money was that the only minimum wage job you had i always think it's funny that there's a minimum wage you know i understand like the socio-economical reasons so that we can't, we're not exploiting people making them work for two pounds an hour. But minimum wage just puts such an attitude

into the people on it. Because they, you couldn't give less of a shit on minimum wage. Because you're just like, you're paying me the amount you're least allowed to.

Legally. Yeah. Legally. Yeah. If you own a business, even though, even if you're paying a bit more just do just be the good fucker who's like 60 pence more or whatever yeah just so that you're not like listen if we could donna we'd pay you three pound 23 and i think you'd fucking work for it like it's not good, that is it.

Like, I know. What is it now? What is the minimum wage? £8.50, £8.90? There's no threat with it from the boss, is there? I'll sack you and I'll go somewhere else who's legally got to pay me what you're already paying me. You've got to have a reason for me to do a job for someone.

And I've got such problem with authority anyway, as well documented like for me to have any respect for you employing me i've got to have something to lose and if i'm on minimum there's fuck all to lose and i always had that attitude but management when they were like do this because i said i'd be like fuck off yeah but when there's fuck all to lose that you're going to lose that, them little bits of crumbs that you're getting. So that's what they've got,

you're thinking, they've got you by the fucking gun. get a minimum wage job. Oh no, but when I was 19, and I was like, in the 18, 17,

in my head I was like, if this is shit, I'll go and get another job, because I was quite like, confident, relatively, and presentable. So I walked in places

and went hello I really like the look of it and I don't know if you're looking for work but I'm actually really keen to work here and I think I'd be great

and they were like bloody hell a young man who's bloody taken the bull by the horns I used to get jobs dead easily and then be like

nah I'm not in the mood yeah because that's because comedians probably like I the authority is you've got to bite your tongue and go I've got to get on with this

but you'll just keep going from job to job to job wouldn't you yeah that's what I did I worked in a lot of different bars I

like I quit I spoke about this before I quit halfway through a shift and didn't even tell them I was going that was in Lunya actually but that was when you basically needed a bit of upkeep and pocket money.

Yeah. If you're 30, if you're 35, shit's different, isn't it? But when you're 17, you're like, all right, cool. I'll be skimped for a bit and then I'll sort it out. I feel for anyone who gets stuck

in one of these fucking jobs and then they look at the outgoings and they're like, right, well, there's fucking bills and everything and then you've got some bellend boss like when you're

like no one who's like oh it's hard work at minimum wage when you're 18 you're like most 18 year olds will be like

pah but the bosses are like the gobshites who cave a shit at minimum wage aren't they that's the bit that fucking gets you

yeah you're just a fucking loser which is why you're the one telling me what to do and that's what a lot of anger a anger just a loser on one pound fifty yeah and i'm like just because you committed to this shit job have you ever had that stupid boss like told him to fuck off

um well no not if they're like where have you been the book is never mind i'm not i'm not i'm not like that i'm just, it's getting there now, but then obviously, just as the pandemic, I was thinking, maybe I can just fuck off. Because I used to have this thing of that, you know what,

if it gets too much, I'll just fuck it off because I've got comedy going. Now that's gone. It's like, when anything happens, it's like, oh,

I need this wage, but, because the comedy mate used to make me think fuck off yeah i wasn't asked about them telling me what to do i thought it was funny because i thought yeah give this another six months i'm gonna be fucking it off is it fair to say simon that you are we've talked about this in the pod on the pod there's certain levels of comedy that got banged by this pandemic and i when gigs start up again, people will want you to gig for them. But just before this pandemic hit, you were doing gigs,

ripping it to the point where we were saying like, fuck, do you want to follow Simon Wozniak when he's on form? And I saw you'd been at the Glee a couple of months before this all kicked off. And hadn't they basically seen you and gone, oh yeah, stick him to headline so you were just at that point for who closes and that is a little bit rogue anyway

yeah but what I mean is you were at that point where you were really going to kick up a gear and then the pandemic just took it all yeah because I think at my level that's the bit that's a bit like shit because it was like I don't know well it's difficult isn't shit because it was like well i don't know well it's difficult isn't it because i suppose you had a few things going on and then they've

just been kibosh but i don't know like i think if you were like they're just starting out and you weren't that far ahead it's like oh well you're not you know 20 quid yeah yeah 10 spot and gloss there's not going to be a whatever still going to going to be there. Yeah. But I think just as I was in that bit of just getting to be like just two more years or three more years on the circuit and I would have been like an established sort of, because there's still certain gigs that I would go, he won't put me to do a double there or something. I suppose in theory it's all going to be there, isn't it?

If it restarts, it opens up, the gigs are still there. You're still going to be, it's just a bit of a kicker, isn't it? I think it's genuinely like... Just a pause. Yeah, I'm a lot more optimistic than I was a few months ago. You two have also been in, like, a spotlight have been on you now, haven't you, with this podcast? Like, of all the comics, the ones that aren't forgotten about on YouTube.

Like, you two are just like, oh, we're going to go back and we can just do whatever show we want, really. Because you've got an audience like that. Yeah, the freedom that this has allowed us is that we can sort of pick and choose what we want to do now, which is very, very nice. The old guys, I think this might push a few, like, not the old guys, but the guys who are sort of like, I used to earn 40 grand from junglers.

Well, you know the people that, because you've never not been able to do stand-up since you were born. Do you know what I mean? This is the first time they've ever said you can't do it. People are about to live a year plus without doing it. They might go, you know what? I can function without it.

You used to think I could not live without gigging, whereas now people have been forced to live without gigging. You're thinking, will they come back? Will they still have that? I'm a bit worried about that. The other day, he was like, do you think they'll just not come back? And I'm like, I think this year,

maybe working for a living at jobs you don't like, might make you appreciate 150, 200 quid for talking to some people and having a laugh on a Saturday. It never felt like a job for me, because I've always had a full-time job doing it. Yeah. So whenever I gigged, it was never like a chore, because I was just like, oh yeah, it's on.

I'll drive to Birmingham on a Thursday after a night. I had that a lot, certainly a few years ago. And we've spoken about this before. I've always been like, why would I turn down 200 quid to talk for 20 minutes? What part of a working class lad can go 200 quid for 20 minutes work? Even if you haven't done it for five years. Like, absolutely. absolutely, yeah. But, like, I think, I was talking about this with Paul Blair of Hot Water

and Freddie and Danny and Paul. They were saying, oh, there'll be some that just don't come back. Because, like, one of them went, oh, those ones that were on the edge anyway and were looking at getting a part-time job anyway, they won't come back. And I'm like, they will. Because their lives won't have changed much because they'll have got the job that they were gonna get or they'll have kept the job that they just got common any anyone who's or still got a part-time job or still had one is fine because they've still got their thing that's kept

them ticking over and like you say comedy is not a job or a chore. It's the thing on the side that... Unless it suits me to tell someone that it's a chore. You know what? I'm driving eight hours a fucking night after a shift, you know? And then I'm like, yeah, I'd do that. I drove to Houlton for... That's how you know you're a proper comic, is when you start bitching about comedy. That's literally the sign.

Instead of being like, oh, I just think it's such a... Oh, I'm excited excited and it's a gig when you're like yeah but he's a cunt isn't he you're like yeah there you go fucking hell

someone's someone's come up the ranks I've missed green rooms and talking shit more than I've missed gigging I think do you know what I mean like that little backstage

let's talk some shit and be audible yeah I miss that as much as I miss getting on stage I did 30 Cluid on Tuesday night there was four techies in the room,

one show manager, Hayley Ellis, Scott Bennett, and Amy Webber. So three... To a screen. To cameras. And Nate was put on the internet. And this is how weird this pandemic is. It was a pleasure.

Just saying it out loud, just making a few people in the room laugh. What was the most fun? Hayley Ellis messaged me the next day and went it was so nice to sit around and all talk shit and you're like yeah it was it was that's why doing this is like sound like that's why i was coming here and just sit here and have a drink like if i was in a pub like just yeah it'd be like that's all i'd want i wouldn't want like the the nightclub version yeah i'm not bothered about that so if i just came and sat here

with four comics that'll be in a green room anyway the fact that you can get paid to be doing it's a bonus oh my god the lockdown lock-ins i would take that over a lot of fucking nights out yeah like being able to sit here booze in our own place and like the last one we got steaming the one before we got drunk i kept myself on a level. Yeah, I was out of control. At one point I started eating cheese and texting my new girlfriend. It's more fun than going out to a disco. A disco tech?

Yeah, I knew you'd fucking bite. A disco? I knew you'd bite on that. You look like you say disco. Like your face, you've got the face of a man who uses the term disco for nightclub. Disco tech. I like calling it a disco techque now i think it's coming back yeah i think it's a nice

piss taking down tall it's ironic can i ask you a question oh and if it needs to get cut out oh my god it's about to go down i mean i've never out, but. Did you really go to a prostitute just for the joke, just to be able to tell the story? I went to the fucking brass. Is that, is that true? And do you,

are you okay to talk about it? What? The, the, the brass. Yeah. You, like,

the brass. You had a routine about going to see a prostitute and you told people that like, you actually did it and the only reason you did it was to get the stand-up material out of it. Is that true? Yeah.

Oh, that's method. That is a proper comic sat right there. That was a low point. Was it a good bit? I was really serious. Yeah, it was fucking quality, but I enjoyed telling it. Because I'd never done a story, because I'd never had a story to tell that I thought was worthwhile telling.

So I thought, this one will be all right. I'll see how I get on with telling this story. So you generated your own story. So I did a six to seven minute story, because I'd like to do a sort of a story, but I just never had it. At what point of sitting there on your eighth coffee with a blank piece of paper and a pen when you're like i don't do that i don't do that i just i just don't know what um i don't know how i don't know

how you turn over so much material and i'm just thinking like it just takes me something i'm thinking about and i just can't generate i think i've got quite a bit of material but every time i see you i just sort of forget about it and just keep because i'm just focused on generate i think i've got quite a bit of material but every time i see you i just sort of forget about it and just keep because i'm just focused on 20s like i've never even entered my mind to do the edinburgh one because one it's expensive two doing 60 minutes that i don't even like for 24 days to eight people who are in all different i'll kill myself for that that you put that first one which is almost

always like that gets you to the second one that's better and the third one that's you know I do think I need to do an hour

but it's just not many people have absolutely creamed that first Edinburgh show 20, 25, 30 of just stuff that I think's good

do you do you do you do you notebook it rather than write I've got it in my phone yeah I've got an idea and then I think

so what happened with the were you like I want a story and then you're like i'm actually gonna go and do it it's just a thing and i've never ever paid for sex and i don't want to die i've not done it did you go did you go for an away leg or did you go did you go for an away leg or did you go for a home fixture well i don't know it's a whole different type of bucket list. No, that was nothing but net. That was a good joke. I'd imagine you don't want to go to a brothel for the first time.

You'd be like, hey Simon, I've not seen you since fucking 2010. No, well, it took a bit of doing to be honest with you the first one was shut first one was shut fucking Tory

cutbacks first one was shut austerity this is a disgrace this so where was where did you

I have no idea how did you find somewhere in and around the city centre how did you find just the taxi man knows, doesn't he? Oh, does he?

Yeah. Yeah. That takes balls, doesn't it? Sam is well uncomfortable. That takes balls, doesn't it, to get in a fucking black taxi and be like, listen, lad. I was with Chris Sullivan. Were you really? What, did you take a chaperone?

He was just there. Right. He was just sort of a... I don't know who Chris Sullivan is. I do not know. You know Chris Sullivan. Yeah, yeah. Started a company about the same time as Sam. All right, all right was just sort of I don't know who Chris Sullivan is I do not know you know Chris Sullivan yeah yeah started to come in at the same time as Simon

alright he sort of gave up yeah no that was I knew that question might crop up you had a feeling it did

it did yeah no I did that Simon you can have it taken out if you want we don't I think I like this reaction that I'm giving I think it's a bit more authentic

it's a bit more authentic it's a bit more there's a bit more jeopardy in it Simon's look of uncomfortable fear would you do it again? I don't mean like I don't mean would you would I visit a prostitute again? have you ever visited a prostitute?

have you? yeah, I did but mine's so pathetic. I did it and I'd been clubbing and then got talking to these lads from Coventry. We were in Birmingham and they were like, one of them was like, we're going to a fucking brothel or one of them was

and the rest couldn't afford it. He'd saved up. Saved up? So I went as well. In Birmingham as well? I had about fucking 500 quid because I'd just been paid in cash. Is that how much it costs?

No. How much did you pay? I don't see it. 15 pounds. So I went in and just got intimidated. Couldn't get an erection. And basically

paid a woman from I think Cyprus 70 quid to look at my small, flaccid penis, and I apologised. I went, I'm really sorry about this. She was like, it's fine. Did you keep your money, yeah? Yeah. She's not like,

oh, listen, love, good try. Here's your 70 quid back. We've got a returns policy. And honestly, even within 14 days, if you decided you weren't happy with the shagag we'd give you a full refund and here's your receipt

just in case no she was like yes dickhead sorry he couldn't get it off yeah oh mate

saved yourself not half a pill I was like really sorry it was it was one of the worst experiences not because

a lot of people are like well you know going to a sex worker is discrimination it was anyone who literally watched the. Not because, and a lot of people are like, well, you know, going to a sex worker is discrimination. It was, anyone who literally watched the documentary of that night would be like,

the real tragedy was how much of a bellend you made of yourself. So my experience is tragic. Right. I can't imagine, like, come on. Well, I was saying that,

that sounds like, that's like just, yeah, it is quite tragic. Yeah. So I don't know, like, you know, when you hear that story, you're like, oh, well, you're just being really laddy.

It's the most pathetic story. I quite like telling it. I'm not sure what's worse. I think it's better that that happened because then I'm the idiot and that I didn't have sex with a sex worker. I just walked in, made a fool of myself and then wandered off and felt shameful

if anything you what you really did was pay for some private healthcare really it's more like booper than prostitution what you did

you gave a woman 70 quid to have a look at your dick we came downstairs and it was like and she she literally there's like a reception area

and she went like that Kobe Kobe I am not even joking she went like that. Kobe! Kobe. I am not even joking. She went like that. And I was like, that's code.

I knew it. Didn't need to ask. I just sort of fucked off. But I knew that there was code going on. She looked to reception. And that was floppy dick Kobe. It was 100. She went.

Oh, right. So she went to the reception yeah the reason it was quick because we were up there for about 14 minutes or so come on there fella come on no come on no and he was like no it was awful it's not even funny it's just tragic was the lady you slept with attractive adam's a dog with a bone here i've always been interested and I just want to... Horrific. Does she have all of her teeth? I don't remember, but probably not. I think she cried.

You think she cried? I think she cried. What? I think she cried. Was it her first day at work? No, she just had the sniffles, I think, afterwards. Oh, yours is more depressing than mine how can you make

a prostitute cry I have no idea I wish I was working for minimum wage do you know what's really funny imagine if because that was

your low point imagine if you were her low point too there's a good chance there's a good chance that was the case yeah

that was I knew that did you make air con what are you fucking kidding adam you can't touch you can't go anywhere near that it's not like it's not it's not adam's so confident he'd be like listen i probably get a discount because she'd come so hard that's adam is so like when rowey d gets going she'd be like oh my god babe and she'd be american she'd be going she'd be like oh my god babe and

she'd be american she'd be like she'd be like oh my god i'm not gonna charge you if anything i'd like to give you 50 pounds because this has been amazing so when you fall in prostitute sex worker okay when you when you when you do that do they not normally finish? No, they're not. They're not in it for the sex. They're not. What if they really love money? What? What if they get turned on by the thought of...

What, so you're going to be like David Dickinson? Just folding out an extra 20 to see if she gets all excited. I'm going to put down 250. No, 270. i can't go any higher i will go to 310 and she's like if she's really turned on by money do you reckon she might be working somewhere a bit more fucking exciting than somewhere in the city center that a taxi driver knows about yeah the second one he went to

yeah the one that's still open because the decent one's like we shut up once in fact it might not have even been a brothel to be honest if you just fuck this

it's empty or some shit mate do you know any brothels yeah yeah yeah Barbara Barbara turn the duvet over I've got another bellend! Aren't you all being crazy?

Maybe some sex workers just love getting shagged. They don't. Or maybe some of them do. And if you find one of them, you could make her go off like a broken firebag. You could get escorts that enjoyed it a bit more, a bit more of a lavish sort of, you know, visiting Kyle Walkerer for example yeah

well not like there is there is it's an industry like stand up and there are people in industry in the industry who'll drive to ashby delazouche for spiky mike to do 50 quid 15s on a saturday am i right yeah and then there's people who get a thousand pounds to do a zoom corporate there is levels to the industry i imagine sex work is a little bit like that yeah and i think i think simon was involved in a 50 pound middle adam's like would she be beautiful blonde eastern european yeah darling i work for a thousand euro a night but for you rowy bags I listen to the podcast

Just buy me a bag of chips Yeah Wow He's going somewhere here He's got something in his mind What are you thinking of them? You poking the bear? Yeah

You poking the bear? Did she get wet? Oh God Today of all days You poking the bear? Yeah You poking the bear? Did she get wet? Oh god Today of all days Have you got another beer? Yeah Can I have another one as well please? Did she get wet?

No No No It wasn't It really wasn't like What I wanted it to be Right But

I think we should have played this music a long time ago what I wanted it to be. Right. But. I think we should have played this music a long time ago. Does it creep into your mind when you're masturbating sometimes? Yeah. Because of how dreadful it was? There is a darkness in you, sir. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean.

Occasionally. What the fuck? I'd never want to fuck that woman. Ever. And then you're thinking about fucking her because the fantasy is safe yeah

oh right this is 100% true so the woman that I'm most ashamed of fucking ever is the one

who occasionally creeps into my masturbation fantasy yeah more than anyone else yeah like if you it's like that,

you're like, would you fuck this woman? And they get, you have to go, no fucking, nah, nah, I wouldn't do that.

You have to pay me. Then sometimes you go, she just, whenever she, you might be in that little mood that you think, I'd like to. How does it pop in your head? Like,

hello Simon, here I am again. Well, it's just boredom, isn't it? You think, oh, that one's not worked.

I have to go for this one now. And then you just, before you know it, you just have to pick one. Oh, wow. Are you telling me you've never been having a little go and some horrendous beast from your past has popped into your head? But just not because it's like you're attracted to it.

It's basically sexualized intrusive thoughts, isn't it? It's a form of that. Yeah, but it's like a subconscious thing. But I enjoy the thought being there when it comes in. Because, because of the, of the,

of how, you know, when you, you know, you think it's like, oh, that, that would be horrible.

Yeah. Because there isn't the actual reality of it. Yeah. Can't smell your thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. There's no, um, no consequence to that. Well, that's all fantasy isn't it

so yeah it's kind of like a woman having a rape fantasy maybe is that you know oh it would be nice being raped

or being you know like that I know you're looking at that so I'm going I said it but like but like you know I hope no context

have a word doesn't get his hands on this one do you know what I'm saying like the reality it's not a rape rape fantasy but get his hands on this one but all fantasy like there's people who act it out who live it out

who go to like sex clubs and all sorts and then there is a lot more people who like either the visualisation of it through porn

or the idea of it like there's loads of things that I like the idea of that I do not want to do. Yeah, exactly. That's the same. That's the same thing. But I am not aware of something that is particularly awful and cringy from my past being like,

isn't this cringy? Why don't we live it again? Like that. Like things from my past that pop back aren't the awkward, cringy, regretty ones. They're like random things i know what you mean but it's not like you two connected on a whole like it was cringy it was bad and

that's why i enjoy you thinking about like it pops up yeah i suppose it's like um like be say you wanted to be uh humiliated sexually by a dominatrix. Yeah. Just say someone wanted that. Yeah. So say... I never get that. Say you wanted to just be humiliated sexually. I can see you with, like, a candle hanging out your arsehole, tassels on your nipples.

Still wearing that jacket. This is coming off in a minute. I'm fucking sweating under these lights. And I need to piss as well, but i can hang on to that um what was i talking about oh being humiliated by a dominatrix yeah um i don't know where i'm going with that but yeah does it do you like the the version of it do you like watching it Or do you like doing it is a whole other thing, isn't it? Yeah. You keep that away, don't you?

You go, I'm not that. I'm not entering that realm. I think some people just like the idea of really weird stuff as well. But, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I understand if you want to put a Roman candle up your arse. I get it. And I'll watch it. But there was a guy, I was listening, you know the Wolf of

Wall Street, Jordan? I was listening to him on a podcast and he said that he went to one of these parties and there was this woman there and like, men were just doing line-ups on her. And then one guy at the end, I think this is what he did, at the end, they'd all finished, innit? Oh, God. Right.

Oh, God. He says he saw this and he said, he tapped out of that party he said that's it i'm out of here because the last guy went in finished dinner and then went down on her and sucked it all out no no no no no no and then he he went this is too much for me now he left that party mate that's too much for me just hearing about it yeah. Yeah, that's far too much, isn't it? Yeah, because it's... But he was so... I mean, the guy obviously doing it would have been completely fucked up, but it's kind of like that one-upmanship.

To do that is a whole level of, like... Like, even to enjoy that sort of, like, degrading stuff, to actually go... I always think with all of this sexual stuff, it's the bit in between like getting ready for it and then yeah sort of like i almost think in the moment being fucking covered in pvc and having a sexy woman with boots leaning on you going you're a fucking pathetic boy and me having like a roman candle like in between my legs I might be like well yeah it's a weird little pervy moment but it's the uh it's the like are you love getting to the door you're right have you brought your pvc love yet don't worry come in my kids won't

be back for two hours yeah but that when you visit a professional they make it all better I don't I just it's not like Laura having a go it's like it's i i think that's the bit that i would cringe most they know what they're doing yeah do you know what i find weirdest about what you've just said about that party yeah is that he did that after he'd come like yes like i get the fantasy being there before you finish because sometimes i'm watching porn and the second i finish i have to put my phone in another room oh that's normal isn't it yeah yeah you're disgusted by what you're looking at yeah two seconds later yeah that's so like i could understand sometimes have you ever done it where you just you forget you've just closed your phone danny on the train and you open it up yeah yeah all right good god Like, good God. Yeah. I am. I can understand him being like, oh, the idea.

Headphones in. You just check his line on the couch and you miss it. Just, oh, fucking hell. Oh, what was that? One of your favourites. One of their videos in the office. Tennis again. Love watching tennis.

He regretted that two minutes later. When he was doing it, he should be like. No, I don't think he did it's not the first time he's done it I'm pretty sure that's what he said on the podcast

is that they were at these parties and it was just getting hookers in and everything and in that environment I think it's just who can do the sickest thing

it's a bit like Jackass they're a bit like that aren't they I can totally get when he's in like horrible

disgusting man mode and he's like I can imagine him being like when he's in like horrible disgusting man mode and he's like I can imagine him being like I'd love to suck all that out of there like it knocks me sick it's more than that

but the second he's finished it's more than that it's not just heat of the moment like come on that's gotta be something in him that he's like

no I particularly that's like getting shat on innit you go like oh let's get shit on then you go yeah but the reality of being shat on is completely different innit like oh let's get shit on and then you go yeah but the reality of being shat on

is completely different isn't it like you don't know what's coming out like in your mind you've got a thing going oh this is what it'll be like

well the aftermath is the important bit isn't it when you've been shit on and the sex is over there's just shit in the room then isn't there

I think it's difficult to talk about it when you're not into it because it is the reason we're appalled by it but to them that's part of the and let's be honest it's 0.001 percent of the population isn't it because it's a very niche thing like getting shit on but part of the reason that we're all like ah

what is part of the reason they're like yeah it's so's so like, do you not think? It's so fetishized because it's so alien. Yeah, it's because it's disgusting, isn't it? That's why it's... It's good fun talking about it though. Yeah.

100%. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Should we have an advert break? Yeah, let's leave it on that one. Yeah, okay. Leave it on that point. Yeah.

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and a little tasty snack as well and also it helps us out you support our sponsors they support us this thing can keep going we can keep the have a weird gravy train on the fucking track so go to bf52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some berries for nothing and we are back for the final section of episode 109 what no no no but if you can't hear me 110 I think I think it's 110 right erm we've got a moral dilemma

from David Dukes oh Dukes oh Dukes oh Dukes Dukes Hall of Fame David Dukes he doesn't run it any

he's running him does he yeah I think he's called Dukesy runs or something on Twitter doesn't he ok likes a little sprint

I'm going to start running again next week I think I've put about two thirds of. Likes a little sprint. I'm going to start running again next week. I think I've put about two thirds of a stone back on when I get it off. I'm going to Corfu. I'm going to Ibiza and Corfu in August. And I don't want to,

no one wants to be the fat one in Ibiza, do they? Well, you need to lose the weight before you put it back on there. Basically. Yeah. I want to lose about five stone.

Right. Yeah. And I'll put one or two back on do you weigh like seven stone I'd weigh about eight eight and a half nine right

cool better start visiting those sex workers then how much do you weigh now about fourteen at the minute I reckon do you want to get to nine stone no I'm joking Simon you really

took that seriously. That was really funny. Heroin? Yeah. Would you take heroin? I don't think it's as addictive as... Everyone seems to think as soon as you have one go of it, you'll be hooked forever.

I think you could probably have one go and go, it was good, but I'll leave it. Yeah, it's because CEOs of major international companies are going to be like, Friday night, Gareth, get the fucking heroin out. People in the bottom rung. No, you can have high-functioning heroin addicts. Yeah, I know you can, but generally the heroin problem isn't around the city rung. No, you can have high function and heroin addicts. Yeah, I know you can, but generally,

the heroin problem isn't around like, the city of London and corporate executives, is it? So it's more about how, if your life is in the bin and then someone goes,

yeah, have heroin and it gives you that escape, you're more likely to get hooked on it, aren't you? Yeah. So you think you could have it

and not be arsed? I just don't think, I think there's too much associated with it. I go like, you know, it's too risky if you get addicted to heroin if you get addicted to other substances it's a bit more fine yeah you get addicted to heroin there's a stigma yeah if you're doing the nottingham glee and you ask for a free pint everyone's like yeah you can have one if you sort of you know jack up yeah it is frowned upon anyway david jukes let's keep this section nice and light light from david jukes. Let's keep this section nice and light. Light.

Light. From David Jukes' morning lids, here's a little moral dilemma for you. You're walking down the street on a Sunday morning. It's really early and there's no one else about. You see an elderly bloke walking towards you. He doesn't look well. Suddenly, he hits the deck in front of you.

You immediately go to help him and are straight on the phone for an ambulance. They tell you the ambulance will be there ASAPap the guy looks up to you and says i'm on my way out son my ticker's gone do me one last favor i won a few hundred grand last night on the lotto i was on my way around to tell my son can you make sure he gets it and tell him to enjoy it spend it on him and the rest of the family he hands you the ticket and then passes away right in front of you paramedics turn up a few moments later and reassure you there was nothing that anyone could have done you still have the ticket the old guy gave you no one else knows he gave you it was a lucky dip ticket so no special numbers

bollocks and there's no way it can be proved that you didn't buy it so do you pass the ticket on as per the dying wishes or do you cash it in yourself we're talking a six figure sum of money here cheers fellas

keep up the good work it's easy innit what keep it yeah stick on the rule if you win what colour yacht are you on

you go half six figures 100 grand or like say it's 200 grand it's a couple of 100,000 you get the cash

200,000 well how are you going to know his son and that he's too much I'd have to work that out on the back of the ticket cash machine with the ticket

I love it how we have to do loads of caveats he's written the address name and address so there's the name and address there's the ticket Fiona and he's gone

I'd cash it yeah so you get your 200 grand yeah and then I'd get I'd go to his son's house knock him run leave 100 grand for me conscience and take the other 100

and keep it oh you'd give half of it to his son I'd do that with 10 grand do you know I honestly think I honestly think because that guy doesn't know at all

exactly 10 grand I don't know on the walk it would be the most amazing. You've got 100 grand in a little fucking bag, and you'd be on the way going, yeah, this is the right thing. I've kept 100. Give it under a leg.

And then all the way along, you'd be like, I mean, he doesn't need 100, does he? I tell you what, call it 50. And then the next round the corner, like, 50's a lot, though, isn't it? I mean, what, call it 50, you know, and then what you like, the next round the corner, like 50 is a lot though, isn't it? I mean, that's his old mortgage.

I mean, what he needs is an extension. Call it 25. By the time you got to the front door, you'd be leaving a bag of sand. Well, you'd look at his house first and see, you know,

if he's in it, if he's in a load of terraces thing, I'll give him 20. If you opened your front door and found 500 pounds on the floor, you'd tell everyone that day. Of course. But that's not the moral dilemma,

innit? If you left a tenner, everyone would be like, oh fuck, a tenner. Nice one. You have a 500's like, hey,

I found 500 pound before. Yeah. You don't go tell everyone you found tenner. Could you imagine if you took that 500 to the police? You've got to leave a note,

haven't you? You've got to leave a note because if you come out and find under grand or 500 quid or whatever, you're going to leave a note, haven't you? You've got to leave a note because if you come out and find under grand or 500 quid or whatever, you're going to be a bit suspicious. Why is that there?

Who was in me garden with this money? And if there's no note going, listen, your dad's croaked it. That'd be a weird way to find out what your dad was saying as well.

On a note on a hundred grand. You know what? It's probably just safer to keep it all. Just don't give him anything. It never happened. You've got it. Take your 200 grand and fuck off. Mate, it's definitely safer to keep it all. Just don't give them anything. It never happened. You've got it. Take your 200 grand and fuck off.

Mate, it's definitely safer to keep it all. Keep it all, yeah. You're opening too many cans of... I love it how you've taken a moral dilemma and you're just looking at potential problems. I'm weighing it all up. Why the fuck would you bother? Oh, I've got five grand left on my doorstep.

Oh, well, that guy, your dad died. Why that guy? Yeah, I've got a security camera I've got your face just have the ticket but it's a moral dilemma isn't it I don't believe in karma

so I'd go yeah go on no I don't believe in karma right but I also believe in being a good person so I don't believe in karma imagine how much good you can do with 200 grand

yeah there you go you don't miss what you've never had you're not being a good person by giving someone something you never knew existed if he needed it and you're like ah ah, yeah, maybe box him off.

But if he's just an almost fella. Yeah, you turn up, you look at his car, and you go. Ring the bell. When he comes to the door, just go, listen, lad, right. How much money would you need to solve all your problems right now? Be realistic. Whatever he says, give him it. Fuck off.

What about if you decide whether this cunt's worth any money so you go do you know what you you're siding with me rather than you because you're right it's way easier to keep it go fuck like why would you bother right so fine but say you're being a bit of a pussyhole like me and you're like i'm gonna feel bad what scheme could you come up with to go in and decide, A, if he's a nice person or a twat or deserves any money? Like, what could you, like, you can't just knock on and be like, hi, we're for charity because I'm a nice person, but I'd be like, nah. So I would maybe come up with a scheme to get in the house

and decide what kind of people they are, have a look at the house, have a look at that. Befriend them. Befriend them and find out who he is as a person. Spend six months pretending to agree with everything he says. Spend 200 grand on surveillance. Shag his wife. Shag his wife,

and then say to her, was that good? Does he make you come like that? And when she's like... I'm a sex worker, and I've never come like that, but you made me come. Or just...

I don't know. It just seems like, yeah. If it genuinely happened, I would just keep the money and then just see how I got on with it. I know. Go straight round the lab books. Put one pound spins on.

Simon on a comedy podcast. I see what you're saying, but I'd just keep it. I'm literally trying to concoct a funny situation and Simon's like yeah nah just keep it lad

it's gotta be authentic he wants the truth I genuinely would give him half that would be my what if he was a what if you knocked on to give him half and he's there

and he's got like a fucking rottweiler and he's like massive fucking St George's flag and he's like you can tell he's just like one Rottweiler and he's like massive fucking St. George's flag. And he's like, you can tell he's just like one of them flag nonces. Yeah.

Profile pictures. What the fuck do you want? Oh, yeah, but I'm not knocking on. I'm just going to do knock and run. But would you not want to know what type of person he is? Kidnap him. Are you saying? What?

Kidnap him. Kidnap him. Time to a chair waterboard him no is that how you find out about someone your first dates with Sam

must have been brutal I just feel like I want to knock on and be like hi and then if he's like hello you alright

sorry sorry I'm just doing childcare I've got three kids and it's been a bit mad in the pandemic my wife's not been well I'd be like listen here's a shoebox let's just call this quits Sorry, I'm just doing childcare. I've got three kids and it's been a bit mad in the pandemic. My wife's not been well. I'd be like, listen, here's a shoebox.

Let's just call this quits. But if he's like, what do you want, you fucking cunt? I'd be like, why are you so cockney and you live in Sorghal in Cheshire? Oi, oi! Would you not? I want to talk to him. It's Bray Winston. He doesn't need the money.

How the fuck have I knocked on Jeff Innocent's house? Yeah, I think... I don't on Jeff Innocent's house yeah I think I don't want to know whether he's worth it just from my conscience I've given him half I'm surprised just give him half

and fucking do you know what I mean like half of 200 grand sound half of 100 grand if it was like

500 quid if he's like I've fucking got three numbers here I'd just keep that. Because 250 quid's not going to change this cunt's life at all. You know what I mean? So I'd just keep the 450 to 500 quid.

And, you know. Have you ever thought about what you'd do if you actually had a paper ticket and won the Euro millions? Everyone has though, haven't they? Everyone's spent the 160 million. No, no, no i i love that daydream that's a great daydream i'm talking about literally the first thing what you would do no no

you've not got the money you find out you've got five numbers two nonce euro bonus ones you're like it's 182 it's only it's 182 and then you go on and it tells you if anyone else has won. And you're like, no one else has won. And then you're there with a piece of paper. And then the game is, don't burn it. Don't put it in the fucking sink. Like, I would shit it until I was, I don't know where you're in the middle.

Is this Brussels? When you do that with the ticket, when you've got a winning ticket, do you just take it to the newsagents you bought? I didn't like you doing a scratch card. Yeah. They cashed out the ticket When you've got a winning ticket Do you just take it to the newsagency board And do it with a scotch gun Yeah Mr. Sears How much

Under 82 mil Hang on But I imagine There is a Camelot Head office in London You have to get The ticket From your fucking house

In the north west of England Oh no You don't do that Do you know Haven't you not seen the video I genuinely want to know Carl that's why I'm asking oh there's a video

on social media I don't know how long ago a fella in England won 80 mil and he rings up and goes erm I think I've won a bit of money and he reads his number

and he gives a QR code from the top of the thing and he goes yeah you've won a you've won 80 mil that's a lot of money and he goes oh

it's alright innit and the fella's like yeah it is cos I'm on 22 grand a year you fucking dick and he goes what are you gonna do with the money he goes i don't know and then just like he's just most british reaction ever that you give to like a little code reminds me of the dave johns bit of the bit he used to have this bit when i started out comedy and he won't mind i don't think he'll mind me doing it because it's so old i don't think he's done it for ages when he's like i fucking hate when you see people like we won the lottery and it hasn't changed us what a fucking waste that is if i won the lottery you'd be like dave has it changed you has it fucking changed me of course it's fucking changed me you see me

riding down south shields high street on a fucking elephant with beautiful women fanning me with fucking big palm trees and then and then they'd be like dave do you want more turkish delight and i'd be like no i tire of turkish delight fucking brilliant he had this amazing you know when it's just a simple like setup but then he built it up to that that line of like dave do you want more turkish delight no i'm tired of turkish like fucking amazing i thought you had to go down to london shitting it like sellotape it into a book and then put the book somewhere safe in my head you do bellum don't you you ring them and you give them your code off your ticket and they would you tell anyone i wouldn't tell people i've considered i would not tell my wife but they they'd be able to tell they'd be able to tell but wait till it's like a lesser jackpot or something so if you want 150 just like that you'd won 13

and then now everyone's still in your in your ear though aren't they yeah but then if you go if you buy a house and then they can add it up and they go hang on he might be struggling now after you know if you bought like a 7 million pound house

a yacht and everything they go struggling oh he's gonna he's blowing his 13 mil there and then you've got

140 if one of us won the lottery and tried to keep it secret it would be so funny watching the rest of the circuit I'd love it

working out have you heard about have you seen Adam Rowe recently yeah yeah he turned up to a gig in Runcorn in a gold fucking

Bugatti yeah Bugatti like how else is Patreon doing it'd be amazing I'd be like I'd order two Bugatti Veyrons to a gig

and go and nor of them and then pay a taxi like 700 grand to take me there and just have two Veyrons sat there I'd turn up to the

shittest 50 quid middle in Ashby Delazooch gig in a fucking limo I'd turn up in the shittest 50 quid middle in Ashby Delazooch gig in a fucking limo I'd turn up in a Hummer limo dressed like a pimp with a fucking crown on sheepskin fucking robe and I'd do

my middle set dressed like that without referencing a fucking thing this is who I am get on like Conor McGregor driving to a UFC heavyweight title fight this is who i am get on like conor mcgregor driving to a ufc heavyweight title fight it's just the money that i want this is the fucking the fucking money i fantasized about doing on stage whatever the fuck you want to do you hear people go oh he just does whatever he fucking wants to do and see how he goes i go i go no really do whatever the fuck it is you feel

like but you know like taking a footy out there and doing keep you ups until you'd lose it and then go, ah, fuck. Yeah, but you'd have to do that at your own gig. You'd have to buy your own gig, build it, because even if you were rich,

hot water would be like, ah, yes, you know, you can do it, cool. And like everyone would be like, Wozniak's a millionaire now so he just does what he wants. You do that once, you go on die on purpose

on once, and a promoter would be like, I don't give a shit how rich you are. You're not dying on purpose. You just did 10 spots on Monday. Just buy his fucking club. So you fucking pay an hour.

No, that's the thing. You've got to buy the club. And then that's going to be weird because how do you book that club? So you've won 182 million. You build your club. We all still love comedy. I still want to do it.

So you build your club. You pick the perfect amount of people. 300, maybe 280. on one level it's low ceilings it costs you 25 million to get everything perfect it's in a great spot there's parking it is the dream club and then you go on the pro comedy forum like closing 250 and everyone will be fuming so how much do you have to pay you have to pay stupid fucking money just because you you're worth 182 million so yeah lads i'm not worth 182 i've spent the gig that everyone wants to go is like um i'm closing whilst the accent oh it's a five grand ticket for 15 minutes at the end you can do whatever the fuck you want do you mean like i don't think but a crowd wouldn't care they'd be like yeah he's just and also if they know you're a millionaire that's a brutal i think we're a lottery winner and trying to do stand-up must be an awful look

you've got to own it i wouldn't like make it known on stage sorry did they not see you in your gold bugatti that was obviously a slight i would turn up like in a decent card enough but like i wouldn't like talk about it on stage if I won. You'd know that I've got a bit of money from me fucking Instagram and the car I was driving and whatever. Do you know what I mean? But I wouldn't be on stage being like,

fucking, I've been a millionaire. I think that's shite. Right. I agree. This is why, honestly, if I won 182 million, I'd consider not telling anyone. Make everyone's life better subtly. How much would you give us?

Yeah, but that's the problem. As much would you give us? If I told... Yeah, but that's the problem. As soon as you tell one person and they know you're trying to keep it secret, they know, and that's the potential for them to be like... If you win the lottery, I'm talking 182 million,

and you don't slide me a cheeky five or ten, how much are you going to give us then? You think you're getting 10 mil from my 182? You've got family, haven't you? I've got the interest on that. You get it back in six months? Right. Can we have 10 mil from my 182? You've got family, haven't you? I'd be interested in that. You get it back in six months? Right. Can we have 10 mil, please?

I'm telling you right now, you're not getting 10. I'm potentially not telling Laura about a fucking penny of it. You're not getting 10, are you? She's like, why are you and Adam driving around in gold Bugattis? Never mind that. Never mind that. We've had a really good month at the podcast.

What do you spend the money on? The 52 sign-ups have gone through the fucking roof. What do you spend the money on if you're hiding it from your wife? And that's the problem. If you're just trying to keep it secret,

it's subtle. And the only thing I can think of is the more expensive petrol at the petrol station. Yeah. Super unleaded? Yeah.

You know like the posh one that is basically for fucking Tories. It's like, are you normal discount or are you a Tory or what you could do is just every now and then set yourself up a big paying gig

and they go have you got that and you go I don't know they just said 250 grand to do this and you do that every few months and you build that and you try and accumulate your wealth in a way it's already there on a Tuesday trying to a way that you're already there. So I don't know how you do it.

On a Tuesday. Trying to hide money that you've got is hard. It's difficult. On a Tuesday night you go, Laura, I'm just off to a corporate. She's like, really? Where is it? London.

And you go and just buy a bungalow around the corner. Go and watch fucking Netflix all night. Set off in a suit. Come back and like, that was four grand. Put that through to the taxman. Pay the tax. How much would you give us? I've genuinely thought about this quite a lot. through to the taxman pay the tax how much would you give us

I've genuinely thought about this quite a lot I think keeping it secret is genius how much would you actually give me 182 million won if I was making it public not public

but like you're not hiding it 182 million yeah I have got to sort out 10 close friends probably 10 mates and about

10 family members they're getting a million maybe 2 million each that's 60 and down to 120 i might give you a mil is that all right a mil oh this i've literally done this on stage 182 million is so much that i just said i'd give adam a million pounds and he went i think you're being a bit of a tight cunt and that's why people don't tell anyone because once you're that rich

and everyone knows you just got it on a roll of a dice everyone's like well I want some money this is why you don't tell people how much you earn you wouldn't notice

the difference between giving me two and a half mil and a mil you wouldn't notice so why not you just give me a I don't want to

life happens don't it imagine if I gave you ten grand and gave Finn twenty mil just give me a... I don't want to... Life happens, don't it? Imagine if I gave you 10 grand and gave Finn 20 mil just to be a prick. Do we still do the pod? I honestly don't know if a lot of people would listen. Would they? I think you'd have to start a podcast like How to Waste 100 Million.

And then everyone would be like, that'd be a good podcast. If you sorted out everyone you know, genuinely 30 people these guys few mates I reckon if I gave a million each that would be 40 million

maybe even less and the rest I could do houses investments holiday home comedy club and that's 80 gone we could do a podcast called

How to Waste 100 Million well hang on though just how to waste 10 no because i've sorted seems to be no simon i've sorted everyone out i've given 10 million to charity i've sorted everyone out my financial future and my great grandchildren's financial future as long as they're not fucking smack heads is great would you listen to this podcast if it changed from have a word to spend a hundred million have a million yeah and like

they email in and give us things to buy and things to do and we just go a yacht is the go to if you're trying to blow big money in it just buy fucking

but I almost feel like because the upkeep of a yacht you've got to pay for the staff you've got to pay for so much to upkeep that's two million a year gone on keeping it up no don't get me wrong

it's not just how to quickly spend 100 million. It'd be how to do it on a podcast. They'll have to take suggestions. That'd be an amazing email. Email in and let us know what you want to waste millions of pounds on. It'd be fucking great. Everyone could live vicariously through us. Why can't someone do that?

Someone dead rich if you listen and do that podcast. How to waste 100 mil or 10 mil or whatever. Elon Musk stopped trying to get us to fucking Mars and buy some fucking trainees. How gutted would you be if you'd got 100 million? You'd set the podcast up. And Elon Musk went, nah, fuck these cunts. I've got a new podcast called

How to Waste a Billion Dollars. Yeah. Fuck. Right, let's do some questions. Do you want some quizzes? We've only got half a word now. Oh, do you want to do a half a word just go on

burping fucking sorry burp do you want another drink or anything Simon yes what would you like I'll have a beer but

my bladder you see the problem is with my bladder is it's a terrible bladder now obviously you know when you need to piss you just become a lot more

quieter and agreeable. Right. Because you just, your main focus is on not pissing yourself. You've got, you've got scared bladder. What's the scared bladder?

Well, like, because you're focusing on not weeing. Yeah. Yeah. That. Well, let's do,

let's do a, a have a word and then see where we're at. Just like an old man. All right, lids, please keep this anonymous. Could you have a word with me? Oh, shit, sorry. Time to have a word.

So for a little bit of context, this was two years ago. I was with a girl for a few years and we had a child together. A few days before Christmas 2018, she informed me that she had been cheating on me for two months with a girl. A girl that she works with. She then spent the next two years jumping from lady to lady and never committing to anything serious. Fast forward to now and I'm a few months into a new thing with a girl.

We have a lot in common and get along well, but I have a lot of barriers and insecurities due to the previous messy relationship. Should I see where this can lead to or take a step back and take some more time to concentrate and work on myself before expecting someone else to deal with my issues? That's from Anonymous.

So he was seeing a lady, obviously had serious feelings for her, and she went a bit less biotic. Do you ever do that partage thing when you're reading out an anonymous one? And then they've got the name at the top. This is from Joe Thomas. And then he goes, he wishes to remain anonymous.

Yeah, we've done it at least three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's a bore late for Carl because he has to edit it out. And we've done it at least three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's a bore late for Carl because he has to edit it out and we are, literally I'm stupid enough to be like, so I try and really

get the anonymous ones in. So that's... So what happened to him? What do you think? He was with someone. He was with a girl, really liked her, proper feelings.

She was scissored on another girl. Yeah. For ages. She was pregnant though with his kid. She's pregnant? No, they had a kid together like that proper feelings she was scissored on another girl yeah for ages she was pregnant though with his kid she's pregnant no they had a kid together

and then she cheated on him and basically I don't know if she's bisexual or gay but she turns turned it looks to me like she's just turned

turned heel I think she's gone do you know what we've had a heterosexual relationship and I'm now a mum but I am now gay

yeah and he is I know the stories of gay dads getting off it's funny you are had a heterosexual relationship and I'm now a mum but I am now gay yeah and he is I know the stories of gay dads getting off it's funny isn't it you are you know when dad's turned gay and the kid's like 11

and the dad's gone off on another block when dad's turned gay sounds like a fucking great show that happened that happened that happened to Harriet Dyer Harriet Dyer's dad

yeah no it happens it happens Harriet Dyer has got Harriet Harriet Dyer who's a great comedian from the Northwest, has got a great bit about that. How her dad was just like... I'm a gay dad and a gay mom.

In middle age was like, yeah, I am gay. And then they were around at Christmas one time and they'd bought him one of those picture frames that you put an SD card in and it shows different pictures yeah and literally around the dinner table it just clicked on

him and a guy in a really uncompromising position oh no yeah because he just oh this is a lovely gift popped in an SD card

she did a bit about it on stage which is why I can talk about it but just all Christmas dinner and then oh there's dad with his new boyfriend in a dildo lovely turkey why his new boyfriend in a dildo

lovely turkey why do two men need a dildo they've got two dicks I don't know specifically pertinent question

I love it how I love it how of all of that story you were like that's fucking ridiculous why do you need a dildo that's one too many yeah

two men need three dicks just sex toys maybe you just don't do you know what I mean that's one dick too many yeah I don't know it's just sex toys maybe you just don't do you know what I mean that's one dick too many yeah so anyway so we had

I had a bisexual ex-girlfriend right and it is a weird a weird feeling where they've cheated on you with it no

she never cheated on me I don't think but it's a weird feeling to be to be trying to be tolerant and supportive and you're almost weirdly turned on by the prospect of it but then it is cheating it is it is if she leaves you for a girl you've

been fucking left and almost like you can see though in it you can see the argument that like it's actually more dangerous if you're a straight guy like if she decides that she wants to be with a girl you can't really compete and it's funny I'd be having no qualms at anyone leaving me for someone of the same sex anyone I couldn't give a fuck

I'd be like that's funny that's good it didn't feel funny at the time like when you if you're really in love you kiss a girl back in the day

and then turns out she's a lesbian I always go oh that's funny here's my thing I sort of I sort of I look at her now and I'm like I's a lesbian i always go oh it's funny that here's my thing i saw i saw i saw i'm not gonna know they're in a girlfriend i sort of agree with what he's saying in that if how sweet if if like if i was with someone and she she kissed a girl that's cheating

absolutely cheating if they fuck the girl it's absolutely cheating if they're bisexual both so i think you have to discuss it before and then go are you okay if i get with another girl if you get another girl fine little lad yeah i don't want them to get with them and i couldn't deal with it because i i just can't because like if we're together we're together like no but i was trying to be really really tolerant and and like it's a turn on like like her and i were quite sexualized because of the prospect because it's it's arousing isn't it it's like men like lesbian porn like it's a lot for a lot no but for a lot of men it's a generalization but it's one of the most searched categories on porn hub because it's an

idea of it isn't it right but when it when you hit reality it's it's actually it's not as fun it's like i tried to do a bit about it going it's weird if she's like i kissed a girl you're like oh my god you've really hurt me but tell me more and do you feel a little bit emasculated by it maybe that see that's that's what i was sort of getting out too oh a bird's been necking like you're laughing it up like Simon I get why you think it's funny but I'm telling you

it isn't actually that funny like it's not like when you're really in love with someone and she's bisexual like it's weirdly threatening

yeah I know what you mean like to me sorry I scolded him for laughing about on a comedy podcast the fact that it would still be

absolutely cheating if they went with a girl yeah yeah yeah but i get what he was saying in that it's like well i can't do that i can't be like another man is more hateful because it's like you're choosing him over me with a girl you also know what women are like it's more like i'm never gonna be a girl you're saying he's a more attractive, better version of me, but I'm not a girl. So if you go with a girl, it's not as bad. I get the psychology of that.

It's basically like, you got a new car and I'm a good car. And she was like, nah, I went with a motorbike. You're like, I can't do anything about it. It's like if she come home and was like, right. I was like, I've made a bolognese, right? Right. Let's go for another analogy. Food analogy with women is perfect because it works. She comes home from work and I've made a bolognese, right? Right, let's go for another analogy. Food analogy with women is perfect because it works.

She comes home from work and I've made a bolognese. And she goes, I'm getting a takeaway, right? I go, do you know what? Sometimes you just want a takeaway. But if she orders a takeaway Bella d'Italia and it's a fucking bolognese, that's more of a problem than if she orders fucking salt and pepper chicken.

Do you know what I mean? You just don't want my bolognese. Yeah. Yeah But I know what you mean I know like he's got a better ball and that's a better bolognese what you're gonna have that once I'm not even ordering a takeaway bolognese. This is it. This is And seeing if they've made bolognese as well this food analogies are perfect for relationships as well i just think it just adds up do you know what i mean like why did you why did you eat why did you do it why did you do it's because if you were just eating the same fucking meal but it sounds

quite sort of easy and you know it sounds quite sort of simplistic but it's the same sort of thing in it and you go it, would you fancy carbonara again after you've had that one? I get it, I get it. But genuinely, this has messed him up a little bit, hasn't it? 100%. This has messed him up a little bit. And I think the weird blurring of the line is

that for lads, like, lesbian sex in a pornograph ideal like pornography ideal which isn't real lesbian relationships like it's never done it for me no it's a plastic version it's the stuff you see on porn is almost always a lesbian ideal for men that are like yeah it's not real gay women in a relationship it's fucking Fucking shit back and sides and shit. But it's totally... But when the reality hits you, you're like, you're jealous and all sorts of stuff is going on.

B&M workers. Sorry. That third beer. That third beer is sending you weird... He's got... There's no B&M workers in any of them. We're also going to be going out to all bisexuals. What a strange thing to say yeah you mean gay women what being i know what you fucking mean no but the aim also but especially bisexual is that you know

there's so many more people they can shoot on you within it you got that it feels exciting and then the reality is a bit i think sometimes a bit daunting so what's he if he's still in his head what's he doing if he's met a girl i honestly feel like mate you've met someone and she's nice she's got to get on with it because you could be 10 years down the line still thinking about your missus who had a bit of lesbian sex you know ross from friends moved on you should do too. Is that fair? Yeah. He should try and move on.

I don't think he should take a step back unless he needs to. And the fact he's written in means he might need to. He doesn't sound like he's all in on this because the thought of taking a step back doesn't enter your head if you're in love with someone. So what's the point of the fact

that he's just been cheated on or he's been cheated on in... It's just in his head. I think it fact that he's just been cheated on or he's been cheated on in... It's just in his head. I think it's that he's been cheated on. I don't think it matters that... That she's a girl. That it was a girl. I don't know.

He's mentioned it a fair few times. Yeah, he has, but I think that's just because that's what happened. I don't think, like... I think this email would have still come in. Yeah, yeah. Whether this was fucking Sally or Stephen.

Yeah. Two S's. Alliteration is funny but at what point do you say oh come on mate crack on you could really spend your life fucking but then is he being responsible by going i'm not in the right spot i don't know just in my head i'd try and be an optimist there and be like, at least try it. Chances are, she's not going to bang Susan from B&M, you know? Who would?

She's a rotter. I'm going to go to the shops for some bits. I'm going to go to B&M. Why? Why? How attractive was the female? Because I need discount bin bags. Is there a euphemism?

How attractive was the female? She cheated on her? You're Is there a euphemism? How attractive was the female? She cheated on her. You say you're not taking it seriously, Simon. No, I'm not, because it's a fucking bullshit problem. He's a fucking pussy. What's he doing? Fucking write it into YouTube balance.

See you, Simon. Tie a bow with it, Simon. What are the shops the lesbians work in? B&M. Hollister. Hollister lesbian? B&M? Hollister. Hollister lesbian or B&M lesbian? Which one are you going to have a go on?

WH Smith. I'm going to gamble on Hollister. WH Smith, I know you. You're always fucking selling stationery. So you can write letters to your lesbian friends. CX is the major

lesbian hub. No, no, no, no, no. No. What are you talking about? CEX? Look, let's just be honest and say the only people who want to fuck people who work in CEX also work in CEX.

It's a whole different... Is that the game? It's a whole different sexual thing, Matt. Yeah. That's not like... They're not gay or straight, the people who work in CEX. They're CEX. Yeah. They've got green hair

and a Sega Saturn and they're into each other yeah yeah yeah like they just bump into each other fuck they go to the woods and do it yeah them kind of ones who dress up as

behind perspex screen and then babies are born in the back room and they come out and immediately fix an Xbox what are they called them ones who fuck in the woods and dressed up as fairy animals fairies fairies yeah

that's CX yeah I don't even know what CX is but that sounds like it's the game show CX the game I've never really been

I don't game yeah CX you know when you walk up church streets yeah yeah not whiskey

I think I know it's the one in Central Station they do it is yeah yeah or the was right yeah

fucking jar game CX Twitter ladies and gents this has been an episode of Have A Word the podcast I'd like to thank our guest Simon Pozniak

for his insightful feelings about B&M and the gay community do you want to plug anything, Simon? I'm doing a thing next week in London.

Laugh Now. Yeah, I saw that. You're on with some big acts, aren't you? Yeah. Paul Foot is on my one. And Reg Hunter. Is it a run of is it a run of different nights and acts

yeah so it's like a six week thing so from like 19th of April to or 19th of March or something to like middle of April or something

you're going to the venue filming it and then they're putting it out yeah I think it's like a screen like a a web cammy sort of thing like that what venue is it

the O'Meara have you heard of it wow you heard of it no I know the kind of gig you're doing you're just doing a way better than one of the the shit that I didn't choose what venue is it the O'Meara you heard of it wow you heard of it no I know the kind of gig you're doing you're just doing a way better

than one of the shit that I did on Tuesday well they like I've not done a gig to like the screens I hate it do you I'm doing two Zoom gigs

tomorrow and I'm dreading it it's better when you're on the stage mic in hand lights to go to the venue it's not right because there's no audience there

but there will be people in the room doing it on Zoom in your living room that's not right that way you do your just in the outside I've only done corporate gigs because it's

I'm not going to turn down like but corporate from home yeah but I just don't do Zoom gigs and now venues are getting this tech up aren't they and so

you've done the frogs yeah so no I'm doing it a couple of weeks on saturday so it looks at home like like the gig it's not like so adam's doing gigs when he sat there and he's got like he's either come in here or whatever but these ones to the people watching at home they look like gigs don't they they look just like gigs you're on the a stage. The one that I'm going to be doing, I think, because I think it's going to look a bit more legit than like just like a hot water feed

that they, different angles cutting through. Yeah, that's what they did. That's what they did at Theatre Cluid. They had three cameras, one at the back. It was really well done.

Yeah. And you were, but it felt better, like we were saying, to be there on the stage. We were there chatting. Actually, if there's a halfway

between zoom gigs and normality they're not so bad could you see the audience on your no you just did it to the fucking ether but at least you're on stage with a mic and lights not for me i mean it would be if they paid him enough yeah yeah it's not for me until it might be for me yeah yeah it's absolutely not for me adam real comedy gmail be for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's absolutely not for me. Adam Real Comedy at gmail.com. Right, guys. Thanks very much. Been a pleasure. Sign up to the Patreon.

Yeah. Do your teeing. Some merch. Haveawaypod.com. Patreon.com slash haveawaypod. See you later. Bye-bye. Oh, hang on.

Sensei's quiz is out this week. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawaypod. We've done loads of extras. Carl's been doing loads of extra stuff. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. We've done loads of extras. Carl's been doing loads of extra stuff. There's different rounds. We've got special guests, people asking questions. And it will only be released on Patreon.

That's coming out on Friday, tea time, this Friday, the 12th of March. So sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod from as little as £3 a month. What's that?

It's a fucking coffee, innit? Give us a coffee, you fucking gimp. Bye, Felicia.