Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #111 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word one of the most popular British comedy podcasts in the game, available YouTube and audio. And I'm here with my co-host, Adam Rowe, one of the leading lights in UK and European comedy. Adam. I started exfoliating. Fucking hell.

I knew there was a different you about something about you. Yeah. As I walked in today and you were there smashing a subway, I was like, Adam is glowing. And I've stopped biting my fingernails as well. Two big things to cover, yeah. Yeah, I was getting flaky skin and my beard very nicely said, that looks fucking horrible.

Start exfoliating. Where? Flaky skin where? Like, just dry skin on my face. Have you not got a regime now? No, I know you have since December. Yeah, it's fucking great. Yeah, so I have as well now,

but I don't have to do any of it. My missus just does it for me. She just like pampers me. Oh, it's good. You can tell you're in the new zone, aren't you? Adam, come on. I'll do some exfoliating and moisturising for you. No, I have to exfoliate myself.

She won't do that. In the shower. Because there's an exfoliating face wash on the side which I assume is for me right one of my favourite things about being in a relationship

is just using all the expensive shit that you know your partner doesn't want you going anywhere fucking near do you make a hand cocktail love it

hand cocktail love it you put like four on your hand yeah it's dirty that's dirty come yes i know you make me think of your cum don't you ever put like all of them together like and then just make a big don't you meant to do that i think that makes a new thing okay i think i thought you

were still thinking about cum i thought we were still doing the joke um no i'm the shower cocktail no i don't do what if you invent a new fucking element a new element i would honestly be worried uh what's the one earth yeah no shower cocktail i thought the elements were like oh what's on the periodic table elements elements yeah yeah so i'd be worried that if you've got herbal essences L'Oreal and like you'd be like oh my god you've made uranium

unlikely yeah I'll tell you what you'd be glowing then I'm in a great mood keep going sorry that hurt you

yeah you've been exfoliating your eardrums ow I think that's next there my ears are a bit waxy but you're not meant to use cotton wool buds in your eardrums. Ow. I think that's an extra. My ears are a bit waxy.

But you're not meant to use cotton wool buds. Can I have a look? No. As a friend, colleague. Come on. Do you know what that is? Do you know what?

They're not too bad, but I'm going to tell you something now. And I'm telling you this as a colleague, as a friend, as a business partner. You are starting to get

something that happened to me in and around the as a business partner. You are starting to get something that happened to me in and around the same age as you. You're starting to get hairy ears. Well, luckily, Dan, I'm going to use my Weed Whacker 1.0 from manscaped.com. What codeware do you use? I've already got mine. Don't need a discount code.

But genuinely, it happens to men. It's the grossest thing. Like on the edge of the ear like i shave my ears and i i shave my ears i get the old gillette mac 3 you know um only in the weeks where manscape aren't sponsoring us well we have to we're gonna have to stop saying gillette mac 3 whenped bring out a Manscaped in today's episode when they bring one out and they send it I'll use it because I'm like that, I will use any free

shit that anyone sends you know around the what would you call it, like the rim of the ear the ear, the upper lobe whatever, just like that you know on the edge on the beach of the ear yeah

and just on the beach and then I give that because I get a little bit fluff and I just clocked it with you you're getting to that point where you're getting a little but I didn't see

that didn't look too bad in there yeah it's not too bad but then I'm a gross man as well so I'm like you're alright keep going you fucking ear based wolverine

yeah my missus has got like full skincare regime every night. Like, we're watching telly and she's doing all sorts. She started doing it to me. Of course. And apparently, I'm going to love the world. And feel lovely. Girls wash their face 17 times a day.

I wash my face 17 times in me life. What are you up to? Eight. Wow, you need to slow that down. You don't wash your face yeah i do you wash your legs in the shower this is a uh a big what race topic in it do you wash your legs in the shower what i don't know if you're going yes or no yeah i honestly don't know what what his answer is you let the shower do the work. Your little nooks and crannies is where it gets nasty.

Now that needs some attention. And I'll be honest, and I'm going to get hammered for this, but one of my favourite things to nick from Laura is Femme Fresh. I don't know if you've ever tried Femme Fresh, which is basically vaginal shower gel on your dick and balls. Nice and gentle. Low pH level. So I only go

nooks and crannies. But to fucking shower gel your shins. No, but you wash your torso. What have you been doing? You're the rolling stock, and the bum and the willy and then you let the legs

have the run off. No, I don't. I'm fresh as for nooks and fannies. Do you know what? That should be our new drop. I'll just take and it'll just be silent. There might have been a hard cut there if you've just seen it and don't know what? That should be our new drop. I'll just take, and it'll just be silent.

There might have been a hard cut there, if you've just seen, I don't know what it was. That's not getting cut. Just let that hang. And everyone in the room just thought, gooby. We didn't even need to.

I think people at home went, gooby. You don't wash your legs, do you? You don't wash, do you wash, do you literally shower your tits? Yeah. You wash your tits. Hang on. Why? Whoa, whoa, went, Kirby, you don't wash your legs, do you? You don't wash, do you wash, do you literally shower your tits? Yeah. You wash your tits.

Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dan, Dan, over here. Yeah, over here. Got me? Do you soap your pits? Yeah. Yeah, so why don't you just do it as well then?

I mean. Do you not wash your chest? I'm going to turn into Steve Coogan like. Do you not wash your chest? You don't wash your chest. I don't. steve coogan like do you not wash your chest you don't wash your chest i don't have everywhere i can reach i wash yeah i just don't my back is filthy yeah because the shower dust that's mad i i'll be honest i actually am a pits and bits no i i am an all up like i i get showered all up my arms In my hands Yeah yeah I mean everything I can touch But Not your face though

I do my face I'm exfoliating I know but Before Yeah I used to dove my face I dove my face Right Yeah

I used dove Dove Dove's very drying though Isn't it Strong soap That's why I was flaky Oh man Just so you know

What it reminds me of Bill Burr's bit about lotion. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not the soap. Not the... I don't use a bar. What? He uses a bar to soap at the 40s.

I thought that's what he meant. I thought that's what he meant. Do you get showered? I don't. Where's my imperial leather? Do you wash in the garden in a tin bath? 40 on Monday. 40 today to the public, people shit this is out on monday

yeah but fuck the public people what are you doing you'd have been hearing about my birthday on saturday if you'd signed up at patreon.com slash have a word pod um you don't use but i use i use a bottle of nourishing dove lotion shower gel thing right however dove are famous for bars of soap aren't they yeah but you've got to be a bit of a fucking fundamentalist to be like i reject the shower gel only in bar form yeah that's going to dry you out a little bit yeah well you look well mate you look well but hang on the leg thing and i don't mean you put weight on because that's what people say don't they yeah when you put weight oh my god you look really well you're like you mean you're making some money because you are spending money on food motherfucker i i want to i

want i want to start losing weight and then eventually get to the people like oh my god you look ill yeah oh my god yeah are you on smack you did do that a couple of years ago didn't you and now it's all back yeah and i tell you what, for a little while there, you did look like a golf ball on a tee. But yeah, my sister made me a t-shirt for Christmas saying, what did she say? Oh no, she was like, you look like your head's too big for your body.

And then a couple of Christmases ago, as the weight was going back on, she was like, yeah, there you go. You've fought anorexia. And now she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're totally back on it. And I remember seeing you in there. I'm just filling out too much.

Must have been about five years ago when I was like, he's skinny now. But if you want to be popular with your friends and colleagues, lose weight, then put the weight back on and people love it. I can tell. You walk in a room

and you can see in their eyes like, hey, here he fucking is tried to extend his life tried to better himself for his wife and children not anymore you fat fuck get back in the room pudgy bounce over here you fucking big titted boy they really like it so i've done that for them i am i want to lose a little bit of weight for coming out of lockdown do you know what i mean i want to be the sexy guy in the beer garden that's what i want to be yeah but you've you've kept the weight off in the main aren't you but you do look well i reckon i put almost half a stone back on what are you talking about your legs oh my legs washing legs i wash them if i feel like they're dirty and what's your regime for

your big vagina because we just did what's your regime for your big vagina? Because we just did. What's your regime for your skin, babes? And how much weight have you lost? I think there'll be lids watching this going. I dove my dick. I dove my dick. You what? I dove my dick inside an house.

Of course. How do you dove inside your dick? Pull me foreskin back. Oh, sorry. I don't have an inside. I thought you were going really militant then and getting like an earbud. Dan, do you know when you have

special alone time the old special alone time do you what do you call a jap's eye without being racist erm doesn't matter

you've said it urethra is that it though just the hole in the under your willy I thought the urethra was the dick hole yeah is that the medical term

yeah I'd want to I'd want to double check that that doctor was properly qualified if he was like right Mr O pants off we're going to look at your dick hole Is that the medical term? I'd want to double check that that doctor was properly qualified. If he was like, right, Mr. O, pants off. We're going to look at your dick hole. I'm going to put a camera up your dick hole.

I wonder if any doctor in medical science has, and knowing that if they do use the medical term for it, no one's going to know what they mean, have just gone, listen, you know, we need to put a camera in your jap side. Yeah. Jap side is offensive, a defo keep saying of course but right but that's the only thing that's the only way i'm not the spokesperson for japan over there you've been yeah didn't this come up no no they just call it the eye

oh sorry guys listen so far's the thing no i've got something to say finn can you pull up what a japs eye is medical term please um just keep saying it is is the thing is the thing right because the reason it's called that and this is offensive is because it's a very thin slice isn't it and people have gone because of the historical racism towards asian people like their eyes are more slanted we'll call it a jap side that's why they call it my you know it's worse when you explain it out but i had a good look at my one a couple of months ago and i've got a surprise caucasian's eye oh dear my Oh dear.

Mine looks like... Have you seen... Edvard Munch's scream. Have you seen the adverts for the postcode lottery? You know when they tell them they've won? That's Their eyes Is what my dick looks like Fuck off

You have eight second pisses Like a fucking fire hydrant Oh I need a wee Oh my god A surprise Caucasian You have to stick a camera in your surprise Caucasian Stick a fucking Ford Cortina up there It's massive

so yeah I want to ask him how is that not funny Carl it is I am having I am having such a good time I think it's one of the best bits

he's done for fucking and then you're like I'm just trying to dodge actually I think that's very offensive because I spent time in Japan. And we called it the medical term. Which is the urethral metus.

I know. Right, listen. If you're of Japanese heritage and you're like, guys, there's no way around it. That harks back to some really horrible old school racism. I know it does. And I genuinely have used it for my whole life not really doing that thing that adam just did which is linking it to the thing i just because acknowledging acknowledging the historical context well i'm not gonna stop saying

it i'd never i'd never done that i genuinely in my head it was the but no wonder we've all stuck to that because the urethral meters the urethral meters fuck it's piss meat urethral meters

piss meat oh my god yeah Dan when you have alone time you've just really pissed off all the deaf Japanese people there as well by the way where do you

where do you moving on where do you moving on where do you finish into a tissue onto your belly and wipe it off because if it's onto your belly

and you don't wash your belly you got a jizzy belly I've seen Adam stand up about that I have never done that I think that is a level of ming that I will not do but have you ever come on your belly and then wiped it off i don't mean like i'm not saying rub it in but if

you ever like you know got a death hole wipe and just that's all if we're talking if we're talking about it welcome to my world of expertise and i think in comedy you should talk about what you know here we go now i buy a suspicious amount of wet wipes for a man of my age baby wipes i've noticed that yeah yeah yeah yeah now i use them a lot but i i will have oh no i mean if you've got a baby you always have wet wipes downstairs i don't know how anyone raised children without wet wipes pre-1985 or ever yeah don't say it what you've just thrown him off a hill, man. He's just kicked off the park, haven't you? Oh.

If you've got a baby, you can't stop wanking. I honestly... The nonce thing is absolutely, is definitely funny until in my head it's about me abusing my own children and then I'm like, I don't find it as funny. Yeah. That's a line for me. Call me crazy. Cause they are that, you know, they're called baby wipes because of the,

cause you wipe babies with them. Yeah. Not for where you went and you had like those sexy newborn motherfuckers. I didn't go there to me either. You led us there. Cause what you do with baby lotion then? What? What you do with baby lotion? What's? What do you do with baby lotion?

What's it for for the baby? You just, they just get dry skin. Oh. Yeah. They're playing. What do you think it was for? To help them go down slides fast?

Yeah. I don't know. I never really put this. For the torpedoes. Right. The torpedoes? The torpedoes. Oh.

Okay. I thought you said for the tall pedos. Where have you just gone in your head in the last two minutes? You've gone from wet wipes to way too much pedophilia too quick. Go on, you buy loads of baby wipes for the man of your age. Yeah, so I use them. What do you mean you use them? On what?

Do you want my night time schedule? Yeah. Night, love, bye. Make sure the door's closed. Night, night, love you. Then leave that room. Genius. Then I go in my room, the spare room,

which is definitely my room. It's decorated how I want it and it's got my clothes in it. It's not the spare room. It's my room. Has it got a race car bed? It's got a race car bed and it's got my clothes in it. It's not the spare room. It's my room. It's got a race car bed. It's got a race car bed, and it's got an Iron Man poster, and Rick and Morty, because I'm really into it.

And then I get two wet wipes out, treat myself right. I'm doing well in life, you know. The podcast is doing well. I don't think I should be a one wet wipe man. Yep. Couldn't say that. One wet wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. And then, yeah, that's me.

That's my little... But do you come into the wipe or onto yourself and then wipe it off? That's what I do. Enjoy your breakfast, everyone, Monday morning. I am a... If it's an away leg, I will use something to jizz into. Because you, you know... When you say an away leg, in someone else's house?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know when you're like, oh, I need to. I don't want to, but I have to. Someone else's spare room. I'm so sorry. Friends and family. It's fucking heaven. When you're like, oh, God.

See, I just hold a cup and try and catch it. You ever seen the Kim Kardashian poster where she's got the champagne on her arse? Adam does that with his thing. Yeah, so. Put a cup on me back. Kim Kardashian poster where she's got the champagne on her arse Adam does that yeah yeah so but if it's a home you'd need a a serious breeze wouldn't you

that's a Kobe that's a Kobe if you get that in that is yeah you basically to get that sort of like to get the physics of that right

you would need to be wanking into a gale force wind in space literally jizz have it go get the physics of that right, you would need to be wanking into a gale force wind. In space. Literally jizz, have it go in the air and then back at you. Come on. You can put spin on you, Jizz, can't you? You lick the bat.

Come at it from an angle. Do you know when we started and we were like, this is my new regime, this is my skin regime, I'm hoping to lose a half a stone. We went for baby like baby paedophilia and jizzing on your own back really quickly on my own back into a cup that's on me just silly words from a silly man why why'd you ask why'd you ask because we're talking about wiping torsos and you're

saying you don't and if you come all over it and then don't clean it then i'm yeah he was trying to entrap you because you'd said you don't, and if you come all over it and then don't clean it, then I'm... Yeah, he was trying to entrap you. Because you'd said you don't wash your belly. And maybe there was just going to be fucking six decades' worth of cum on it. Like a snail for that. Do you know how showers work? Like, you know when that shower's, like, washing over you? It's not like you've been working in the fields or something. It's just...

I do a little bit of a wet wipe sometimes, yeah. That's how I do that. It's not like you've been working in the fields or something. It's just, I do a little bit of a wet wipe sometimes, yeah. That's how I do that. It's really nice. I didn't realise why you were asking it as well. I was like, I'd lost the link of why you were asking it. I'm on it. Let me ask you a question. So what you're saying is, if you didn't wipe it off

and there was just loads of jizz on your stomach, the shower... No, I wouldn't leave it like that. Because what kind of animal does that? Okay, well well that's what Carl was asking and you're saying I don't

it was a ridiculous question though yeah it wasn't because if I come on that carpet and just throw a glass of water on it you're not going to be happy are you I don't think the glass of water

is the main problem there I wouldn't be happy I know I know you're excited about having Alfie Brown on but there was a there was genuine gale force winds last night in the chester how was the wind in liverpool i thought my house was gonna fall

down and i'm not exaggerating it's fucking mental the insulation on some of my windows is a bit dodgy and i can't be asking the landlord around because it's just effort in it you gotta wait in for like are they double glazed yeah but like the piping is a bit loose okay so like my bathroom whistles it's not good is it you know i mean if i'm having a poo is there an extractor fan is there an extractor fan no all right it's the window there's just a slight bit of you're like in a cartoon and you fall off a hill or a mountain or something

cliff yeah yeah that's what I can hear when I'm we know what whistling is what

we know what whistling is does your house have a bit of a in the wind does it sound a bit haunted yeah yeah yeah

and last night can you sleep like that yeah because I just put the telly on oh mate I don't know how

people sleep with ghost sounds. You just say it's not haunted, it's just bad insulation. Oh, it's just, I know, it's just an horrible sound.

I'm a needy sleeper, as it's been discussed before. I need to be. Sensory deprivation. See, I, if me missus is there, it's pitch black,

spoonie sleeping. If she's not there, then it's starfish sleeping with the telly on, a low volume it's a bad time to be getting a garden office built i'll tell you that we had about two grand of fucking insulation that was overordered sat at the front and they plastic like put a plastic temporary roof and the lads had left it there last night going yeah it'll be fine then the storm hit and i went out i wanted to leave it so joe thompson

who did some work in here is doing the because i met him through you uh his missus knows you from stand up yeah he came in here he was dead sound we got on really well he does great work and then went on his website his stuff is amazing thompson construction are building me the most badass garden office ever what a fucking terrible time to have gale force winds hit where you live when you've got plastic roofing on your very expensive garden office is where you really want to live once your wife is fucking sick of you um and then the are you ever going to see laura again once this garden office is built because you've got your own bedroom you've got your own garden office it's so exciting

can't wait I can't wait to watch the Superbowl I can't it was like it shouldn't really be this expensive I was like

I need more insulation I want to be able to shout in it I've got children in the house I've got pensioners who live behind in a bungalow

I want to be able to shout Patrick Mahomes you beautiful cunt at full volume at 2.45 in the morning, next February, Super Bowl. I'm guessing the Chiefs are going to be back.

Oh, I can't fucking wait. So anyway, the insulation started going last night, and I had a moment where I was out in my dressing gown, dick and balls out, and that was flapping. People seeing my little dick. And I was chasing around insulation that was blowing all around my fucking street. Did you get it all back?

Sort of. It's badly damaged. I don't even know what you're meant to do. What a fucking mess that was. And my brother-in-law's been staying. Illegally. Because he's in a bubble. We're in a bubble with him.

In a boobly. Yeah, we're in a special bubble from Sheffield. We're in a bubble. Speaking of bubbles I seen a great bit of graffiti the other day it says your da

watches James Bond in the bath and calls himself bubble 07 mate what legend is putting that out as graffiti

that is fucking beautiful I saw one in my old uni and it was um communism will win. And someone wrote below it, Yeah, but be arse we're in the same webs as everyone else, though, lad. Oh, my God.

It was in a uni toilet, I was like... That is beautifully done. Why do I never see graffiti that good? Graffiti in the city centre and the bars is fantastic. Glaswegian. Glaswegian. Glaswegian. I think Boris Johnson is a proper ball bag or something. Ball bag.

Yeah. Fucking ball bag. There you go. Slag off the Tories and use a bit of Glaswegian as well. That's great. Have you ever written in toilet? Have you ever been a graffiti guy? Yeah, I told you about Colum Andy, didn't I?

When I wrote Peg Leg's Gonna Get Ya. Yeah, I told you about Columendi, didn't I? When I wrote, peg leg's going to get you. Yeah, and then had to wash all of it off. I've wrote Carl's number on a few toilets and said, if you want your dick sucked, call this guy and ask for his mum's number. But they always ring up and ask for his mum's instead, so it's a bit weird. Yeah, actually awkward,

because her number is out of service. Maybe that's the sound in your house. I keep getting missed calls. Your mum's haunting you. We did stick a bomb once in town. So a lad we worked with, I'll say his name. His name was Lloyd.

You know Lloyd? Yeah. Yeah, I can tell that story. Worked in bars for years, worked in like all the popular bars. Carl just became his own legal department. Yes, no, I can do this. Had a long-term girlfriend whilst working in town

in like all these popular bars and would just repeatedly cheat on her. And we used to always say, Lloyd, you've got a bird. Lloyd, you've got a bird.oyd you've got a bird to the point where we made stickers it's one i'm back on my laptop and put them in every bar in town it was his face and it said lloyd has got a bird and we stuck them in every bar in town like beyond the bars you got stickers made to be dickheads yeah call heads i give, you've been listening to the damn Daniel.

Whenever Adam comes with bare wordplay, I'm like, I love that you get really into the detail of stuff. It's very like, I think everyone enjoyed the fake Sky customer service thing. It takes a lot of energy to be that detailed a guy. And the fact that you got stickers made just to be an arsehole to your friend. Show it to the camera. Oh no, you can't show his face. I can't show his face.

But that was like, if you went to a back bar in town to pick something, you'd see. Or it'd be in a toilet. So if he was with a girl he shouldn't be with, it was possible that she'd go, hang on. I'd like to get people keep going on

about stickers for merch don't they I just is it me I'm a bit like should we just get some stickers made up

and see what people do dead easy to make dead easy to make and it can be pretty cheap and we can try and throw them in with the merch or whatever I don't know if our

merch supplier will do it, but we can work it out. I tell you what, it might be a live show thing then. Just give them away at live shows, yeah? Alright! Fucking hell, lads. I've got a fucking garden office to pay for.

That's not actually true. That is being paid for partly by my wife's boob compensation so have i told you this you've told me you haven't mentioned it on her have we done on the product no yeah we've just found out how much she's getting for a for a burst tip hang on right okay you can't just it's a lot you can't just drop that in without first telling people got a garden office because of my wife tits your wife your wife's tits have burst broken boobies in a in building

for how did they burst was it a motorboat an accident yeah i was going in there she was like she was like dan listen etta's asleep come get some and you know i'm like i'm like you know some people do a fairly good impression yeah i went like a lot of going to suit oh she loves it she loves the comedy of freddie quinn big tiktok i want to burst the city i want to do a tiktok and then one of them i was like oh we're off the road it was like being on the m6 money tires going right to just fucking just move it to the side of the room. Get a jack.

Wait for the RAC. So she got her boobs done. It's fucked. Sorry about that, lad. We're going to have to take it with us. I'm going to have to sew you back. Someone volleys a tit. Yeah, it's best, though.

So she got her boobs on When she was 19 Yeah Her grandma paid Two or three grand She didn't want to be a stripper That's a fucking hell of a nan That innit

Yeah Dropping tit money Yeah That's fucking Nottingham My nan wouldn't have paid for me You've got new tits You're going to get Nowhere in life

Not round here in Nottingham With new titties Do you reckon your nan Would have paid for your penis extension What If it was possible To get your penis extended Do you think you could have gone

To your nan and asked for some Dick money I don't know how we got in this lane Right The Dan's got incredibly I know how we did. Do you know, there's a few jokes now that have been going for so long.

For instance, the nonce thing that hit a point where I was like, we have managed to go from, Dan looks a bit like a nonce from my Danish sex offender line to literally before Christmas, Adam making jokes about me abusing my own kids, right? So that managed to go all the way down the line. And then I'm like, nah, weirdly, not enjoying that.

And partly it's because it's a bit grim, but also because I think people start believing it. I think you started believing it. And I think people do start believing it. And I want to be able to do, like, go out in public or do gigs and talk about being, like, a parent without Tom Twisselton or some absolute Uberlid going, you're fucking

nuts and ruining a set but the tiny dick thing has got to the point where people are emailing in oh i've seen this email this is this the email of the guy who's got a tiny dick and wants your tiny dick advice yeah can i read it out because it's about you it's addressed to you isn't it it's that it's that one okay i. I've titled it Small Dick Advice. So we have done this joke for so long that I mean, Adam's so generous

with his jokes. He's accepted the I've got a big dick banter. And I have rolled with this to the point where there is almost no comedy in this. A kid with a small dick

is like, I just need to reach out to one of my small dick heroes. By the way, do you know that nonce thing joe lee chapman yeah the vardy lookalike had to stop doing what he was doing because he'd gone out in public with his kids and people were calling him a nonce you have to stop being a lookalike right because of that so yeah i'll just stop being a lookalike though as in like

he stopped doing his job oh and don't get me wrong, me going round on the circuit and opening up with like, looking like a Danish sex offender, not the best bit of comedy I've ever done, but worked a fucking tree. But after a year of podcasting, when it builds and it builds and it builds, it is unnerving when you've convinced

your fucking partner that you're like, what? You know, because of the allegations. And I know people are at home are like, yeah, Danny's actually, you've got to watch out for him. And and if i ever need proof then this is it some guy going i've got a small dick dan can you help can i do the music for it you can yeah so i told sam about this as well and i'll tell you what she said in a minute so it says hi lids this is a question for dan as the pod knows as the pod knows is such a weird, weird, weird name.

As we all know, as podcasters, friends, and all of our listeners, especially our patrons, as we know, you have a smaller schlong than average. In your experience, I don't think you can call it a schlong if it's small. No.

You've got to be like, ah, it's a 1.8 inch schlong. In your experience, have women ever been disappointed and not wanted to shag you because of your size? The reason I am asking you all this

is because I am 17 and I have a smaller penis size and I am yet to lay pipe. You can't call it laying pipe. You can call it dropping straws.

I want to lay the pipe. You want me to dropping straws. I want a litre pipe. You want me to lit his pipe. Darling, you ain't lit his pipe. Do you want me to... Just drop your McDonald's straw from your milkshake at the drive-thru, babe. Pick that up. I am a Patreon and I would like to remain anonymous as all my mates listen. So please don't fuck me over.

Love the pod. All the best from Daniel Rivington. Oh. That's not a real name. Did a joke, you see? Imagine if his name's Daniel Rivington. It definitely is. He's not that fast.

Oh, God. So, this guy's got a tiny little dick and he's worried that he's going to get it out in front of a woman and she's going to go, the fuck do you want me to do with that? Mate. Have you ever had it? Has that ever happened?

Fuck off! It's not that small. Like, do you know what? If Laura's gone, if Laura ever leaves me, I'm living in the garden office that's been paid for by her. Where's she gone? Why's she gone?

We need more. To get in. If we need to get in the frame of mind that Laura's gone because I motorboated way too hard and another one went right now

who's living in the house right listen and where's she moved to people are literally like you didn't finish the boob compensation I'm not gonna

well we will she's gone she's taken basically her boobs ruptured she had to get them replaced and the company that made

the implants have been sued in a french court and we got special medical assessment from an expert and laura kept all of her receipts and she's getting oh this is real isn't it i thought you were doing the scenario much more she's getting a lot of we're getting a lot of money and she's got that money and she's gone i've got money now i don't need dan i'm taking the kids I'm moving pay for your own fucking garden offers I'm out of here

I'm moving to where's she gone let's pick somewhere I don't know Bognor Regis yeah Bognor Regis where did that come from

where did that even come from where did in West Sussex town just pop into your fucking bog is in it and it sounds funny

and it's dead Daniel Rivington Bogner Regis amazing random recall I love it when he's had a coffee I wondered why we were fucking flying so she's gone she's in Bogner Regis

she's working in HR for a confectionery company I'm sorry she's working in HR for a sweeties company what human resources would'm sorry she's working in hr for a sweeties company yeah what human resources like would you have to get involved in at the sweet you could be like put your dick in a jelly yeah that's it that's it don't stick your dick in the pick and mix first real barry i can't believe we've had to get you in here again stop fucking yeah fried eggs I guarantee you That at some point

In history In Haribo Or McVitie's Someone has pissed in the mixture Do you know what I mean? You can shag the rings What? You can shag the rings can't you?

You can shag the rings The big dummies This guy This guy can Sorry Right Can I tell you in my head how small your dick is? Yeah.

So in my head, right, it's... I'm going to draw it. Do you want to felt it so everyone can see it? In my head, it's normal. Yeah. Right. Okay. let's see well what what is your scale what is drawn there is a person with a seriously deformed hip like do you remember those kids that had the like plasters on both legs when they were like yeah they had like a growth defect that's what happens if you don't put a plaster on now the reason your hips are wide

is because that's you at the top of a swing. Right, okay, good, good. Genuinely, don't get me wrong, I ain't laying loads of pipe. Yeah. You know, I ain't laying major pipe. But you could run an Ethernet cable through me. Do you know what I mean? It's pipe, but you could run an, an ethernet cable through me. Do you know what I mean?

Like it's like sort of like cabling, cabling, cabling over pipe. Just had power out. Is it girthy? Do you think it's girthy? No, no.

I think it's more girthy. I think it's chodish. I don't want to talk about my dick anymore. For some reason, for some reason, I'm so used to being gaslighted about my genitals and my life by Adam. I'm like, this is normal. So there's Carl joins in. I'm like used to being gaslighted about my genitals and my life by Adam I'm like this is normal

as soon as Carl joins in I'm like shut up Carl you fucking prick I if Laura leaves me and I bang a listener which is literally inevitable

if she goes and I will never do better than Laura but if she fucks off to Bogner Regis to work in HR for a sweetie company and I'm left with a house

and a garden office which is not the point of having a garden office what's the point of having a fucking office. What's the point of having a fucking garden office paid for by her tits if she leaves? Then I've just got two houses. Never mind. You can live in the garden office. No. Yes. Good. Rent. Nice one.

If she leaves and I bang a lady that listens to the pod, which I think is inevitable because literally no one else wants me, I cannot wait for when I get my dick out and they go, oh, well, it's not that small. That'd be a nice moment.

I mean, it's not big, but it's not writing with your small dick problem small. So are you telling me that every woman you've ever fucked has been satisfied by your dick? No, but I don't know that and you can't know that you know we can't know that but i tell you what it's never been small enough that i've whipped down my kegs and had someone go order order order what am i gonna do with that chipolata on your way sunshine that's what it looks like to me do you know those little cocktail

sausages and a little buffet barbecue thing my in my head, yours is like four of them stacked on top of each other. What am I, a fucking Jack Russell? You've got a little fucking pink lipstick, Dick. Yeah. You have got lipstick because you haven't got any hats. Oh, God. No, no.

I tell you, my penis, let's just order, order, order, order. I just want to clear this up. It's never been small enough. And also, for this guy, you might feel like you've got a small wang, but you have to be trying to bang a really rude, heartless lady or anyone. If you whip your dick out and you're there and you're about to go down to it, because let's be honest, you get your dick out pretty soon, like in and around when you actually bang, innit?

It's not like you get your dick out, wait an hour and a half, and then go for it. There's not a lot of thinking time there, is there? If any woman or guy that you're trying to bang or whatever, if you are with someone who goes, what, lad? Lad? What the fuck is that? Just put your kicks on and fuck off because they're horrible so your advice

is to wait until it's too late for the woman to to leave and then surprise her with the dick so that she feels too bad for leaving instead of sucking it no what i'm suggesting is you do what everyone does and you apparently you have a different system you get on the first date you're like obviously we've just finished our starters but I don't want to surprise you with my dick

later on so before the mains come flop how's that looking good it will get bigger little bit of veiny okay

a little bit of a kink to the left I've done some real fucking road man work on it alright everything I'll see you later off it away it goes I have to show it

little Vinny Rose I can't wait until after the starters. I have to show her before we order so she's still got... Oh, no. Still got fucking room. Fucking out. I'll tell you what. Stick your hands in the breadsticks, love. I think you'll know which one's no made of fucking

bread, love. Don't get any fucking pudding, girl. No. I'm wants to turn you into sicky toffee pudding in me house later with me coming your pussy just ran out of things to say and went grotesque i was literally trying to do a joke about garlic breads and starters and dicks and he's like and i'll fucking jizz in your eye with some custard and some cake made of my love muck so mate genuinely stop saying schlong just don't call a small penis your schlong yeah don't say lay pipe that's the two things sam said me missus when i

when i showed her this email um from mr rivington she said it's not really she said he's got nothing to worry about what fucking girl's gonna shag him if he's calling it a schlong no one calls it a schlong yeah i think really uh mr anonymous is sort of tuned in with the the sort of lexicon is that right the the sort of the words we use in the podcast is Is that right? Like, he's using our terms of phrase. I don't think he's going around going, Hey, our girl, check out my fucking man muck spreader. And if you're really, really, really worried about it, the thing to do is only take your undies off once you're under the quilt. Never get your dick out before a starter, before the mains.

No. Or even the pudding. Take it off when you're under the quilts you know and you're already a bit fucking meaty you know the blood's flowing isn't this what everyone does

got a bit of weight in it like Adam's like is it this is this is obviously big dick thinking from you but you are literally describing

what most men having sex have ever done wait till you're under the covers and then maybe get an erection and make like you've got an erection and then you're naked

You're like Yeah that's a lot of blokes Not everyone stands In the fucking end of the bed Going Get on that kid Woo Fucking massive

Hey You're gonna need to phone a friend For lifting this girl Fucking hell Do your fucking back No I'll give you spina bifida With my dick

I understand A lot of men do what you're saying. I get it. Do you know what I mean? So I'm just saying, he's asked for advice. I'm just giving him

what most men would do. He's a boy. He's 17. Wait until you're done with the covers and if you're still really worried, you know,

once it's hard, have a hold of it yourself and feel like, is this, because by then you'll have had a little finger. You'll know how big A is.

And if it's not going to fill it, put the balls in as well. 17-year-old lad. 17. Put the balls in as well. She's got to be a big old lady. Have you ever tried that? Genuinely, lad.

Honestly, no one cares. Just find a girl that you like and be nice to her. And in the end she'll be like, ah, stick it in. Good start. Go in the bum first. You'll be alright. Don't worry about it. From one, you know, small dick bro to another.

Go under the quilt, get your dick out, put it in her arse. Genuinely. I hope Laura never leaves me, but I genuinely want to get to the point when some fucking some lady lid goes Dan I mean it's not massive but it's alright

lady lid anyway would you fuck her listener would you jump like pepper would you from the restaurant would you would you fuck her listener would you if Laura's gone if Dan From the restaurant. Would you?

Would you fuck a listener, would you? If Laura's gone. If Dan Johnson keeps sending in the amount of emails that he sends in, I think he's going to fuck one of us. Where's Laura gone? Oh, don't move her. Don't move her. She's in Bognor, isn't she?

It was the other scenario. It's a different one. So Laura's gone. Laura's in South America right right travelling but she's not coming back because she's met someone

called Roberto and when she was a kid she went to see a psychic who said you're going to end up with someone called Roberto and she feels like it's fate

is this Firmino in your head no oh right okay good no he's a melon farmer from Argentina.

What kind of melon? The famous melon farms of Buenos Aires! Welcome to Argentina! And that is why we long for the Falklands to grow our strong melons! It's the national fruit of Argentina. Fact! On the national fruit of Argentina. Fact. On the flag.

The melon. But the psychic said that Roberto would work with fruits as well. So she's like, it's fate. And obviously the kids are with Laura. They went traveling with her, you know, to find themselves. Yeah. So she's gone. Laura's gone.

Laura's gone. Yeah. And, you know, you go through the mandatory you know break up period you go to some therapy you find out this is all the therapy I need from when you were a kid

this is it you know you got fiddled with by a priest and it comes out but you get over it got fiddled with by a C of E priest

you've got to be unlucky there yeah we went to a United Reformed Church and there was a female vicar so I've really fucking got unlucky but go on yeah so she's rimmed you and there yeah we went to a United Reformed church and there was a female vicar so I've really fucking got unlucky

but go on yeah so she's rimmed you and it's come out right right right but you get past it I mean I'm blanking now but this could happen

yeah you get past it so eventually you're like oh I'm ready to love again I'm ready to get back out there and and you know

this happens quite quick so this is early next year and the pod's doing well and you know you mentioned on a pod a couple of times when we start getting emails from listeners going i'll fuck you down i'll fuck you and i'll suck your dick i'll tongue punch your assholes would you that's a couple of them would you would you fuck a listener? Laura and I are separated Laura's gone Laura's gone And she's happy She's with Roberto

Roberto the melon farmer And I've obviously got You know And she's getting a lot of vitamin C Or whatever the You know nutrients of a melon is Vitamin D Yeah

Dick And I've obviously got my own issues That I'm dealing with But I'm beyond that now Yeah And I'm looking for love Just to have someone go It's not that small of a dick

yeah i'd bang a listener okay cool well there you go guys get your emails in now no no no no no no no no no no don't no definitely definitely don't dan's private email she's not in argentina yet all right okay she is finn can you set up a new email i I would fuck Dan. Have a word at gmail.com. No, no. Finn. Finn. Finn. Char. Upset my very pregnant wife. I'm just trying to get some options lined up for her.

She will burn my unfinished garden office down with her pregnant fury. For the love of fuck, do not set that Gmail up. Can't. It's been used. Yet. It's already been used. It's already been taken.

There you go. Saved by the bell I'll be gone she fucking kills me okay erm yeah to Daniel Rivington

erm lad you'll be alright first time take your kegs off under there you never know though because like you're saying your dick's not that small

it's just become a sort of humour point for us on our half hour show don't get me wrong we've all been in the virgin active dressing rooms and gone whoa

you know it's not massive but yeah but this guy might have a fucking you know a little fucking third nipple down there you know what I mean

yeah so what would your advice be in that situation find a really nice girl treat her well. And get that good a fingering. It's honestly not bad advice.

Yeah. Really, just watch some lesbian pornography, but not like, you know, like, oh my God, I'm a lesbian.

Like the real sort of ground and pound, you know, proper. Ground and pound. Yeah, the proper, like, these are lesbians like,

my name's Barbara. Let's watch a fucking film Do this Right No but I'm genuinely Get good at the Get good at the Get good at the oral Be an oral master

Yeah And she'll be like Oh honestly Daniel And learn to live with the fact That licking bum holes is okay And occasionally You might taste a bit of poo

Do you know what Apart from the last bit Which was fucking horrible It's good Just get in there Yeah Lick what you can Have a bit of poo. Do you know what? Apart from the last bit, which was fucking horrible. It's good. Just get in there. Yeah. Lick what you can. Have a little truffle for snuffles.

Yeah. Snuffle for truffle. But genuinely, if you're not going to work in porn, and you're not maybe going to be a Lothario, find a nice girl. Treat her well. If anything, actually. Take her out, and don't get your dick out in the restaurant.

That might be good advice. Try and work in porn. There's definitely a subcategory for nipple dick to wear those take any of these points of advice yeah

do all of it try porn become an arse valeter work in porn lick bumholes oh there's nothing worse and finger like a maniac there's nothing worse

than a fat man with a small dick in porn you're like how did you get this gig yeah isn't in uni yet he's 17 so he's got time. Yeah.

Switch courses. Don't worry about it. Do the porn masters. Well, I tell you what, you know what you've said out loud here? Don't say it out loud again to anyone. I know with the modern climate we live in about share your experience, talk about your mental health, probably don't say this to another human especially your mates

because this might never go away he got a car got stickers made to take the piss out of his mates if you're like stickers are cheap if they're the kind of animals that do that stuff your small dick stickers could be everywhere have you ever in the bedroom used a blindfold once yeah okay used a blindfold? Once, yeah. Okay. From my experience, every woman I've ever been with loves a bit of blindfold fun.

Right? So they... What, on the first date? On the first time you have sex? Yeah. I really like you, Adam. Pull this on! Yeah.

So I would just... Because a lot of stuff's done online, how people talk for a lot, especially in the middle of the pandemic, beforehand, tell her that you're into blindfold fun say you know there's anything kinky you don't want to tie it up you don't want to you know shove it in a car boot or anything like that you just wanna what kind of role play involves a fucking car boot car boot sales sex oh car boot sales yeah get up at 4 30 fill the car boot watch the pasting table i'll bang you in a field yeah

make it clear it's just blindfolds, right? Yeah. So when you get back, put a blindfold on it. They're in car parks, not in fields. And then fuck up with a strap-on. She'll think you've got a fucking absolute fucking belter. Talk about pipe. You can get fucking big strap-ons.

Let's have a break. And our new sponsor, adamstrapons.co.uk. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, what's the best brand for products that help you shave your balls? It is, of course, the products available at manscaped.com.

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And maybe your beard will suck you off a bit more often. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Back to the pod. Hi, I'm Ria. Are we back? I am really looking forward to doing Adam Rowan Friends on the 17th and 18th. And I'm doing Hot Water on the 19th as well.

I can't wait to do that. Yeah, so... My head's been ticking, thinking of stuff. Oh, I've wrote more since I announced those shows, stand-up-wise, than I have throughout the whole pandemic combined. Definitely. As soon as I put the first, even though it's a very small tour and it's miles down the line, it's a year and a half away,

it'd be a handful of small venues, it's made me go... It just energises you. You've got something that you're working towards I can't wait to do it again 17th and 18th of May hotwatercomedy.co.uk

you're only doing the early shows with me I think it's important that people know that in case they balk and you're only doing short sets it's 15s isn't it is it 15s

10, 15, 20 whatever the baby's gonna be born end of April. So it's like three, that'll be my first gigs after the baby's born.

And I just like, Well, it's going to be the first, they're the first days that comedy becomes legal again. Of course, yeah, yeah. That's me being really magnanimous. Like, obviously I just, I'm not going to gig before,

you know, the baby. Oh, that's right. That's the first one I can do. There will be some beer garden gigs, though, no? There might be one or two in April. I don't think there'll be many. A lot of them are waiting to do something as well. Yeah, 17th and 18th of April,

hotwatercomedy.co.uk. We'll put the link, actually, in the description and stuff. There's shows at 7pm each night, which Dan's on, and then because they've sold, well, the Monday's sold out, the Tuesday's going to probably be sold out in the next few days anyway. We've added 9.30 shows, which you're not going to be at, but it's going to be me doing about half an hour, 40 minutes of stuff.

And I've got one, two, or maybe three mates with me just trying some new material to get back on the swing of things. It's not going to be perfectly written, not going to be perfectly crafted, but you will hear some stuff that no other humans will ever hear again. So that's interesting. That's it. It's always exciting. My favourite thing about new material

is seeing there's three ways it's going to go. It's either never being said again or it's an absolute gem or it's going to be, the third one's not as funny, one of those annoying bits where you're like, is it funny?

And then you noodle it around your notebook for six months and then go, ah, nah, fuck it, never worked. But that is, I love that about new comedy and new material nights. It's exciting. Would you do, if someone's got a beer garden, would you do, would we do a little beer garden gig?

Yeah. Because before, when the lockdowns were kicking off and the restrictions were mental, we were like, oh, fuck it, we'll do a gig. We'll do a gig somewhere. And then you look at it and you're like, yeah, we don't need the flak. We don't need the abuse.

But if it's all right to do a beer garden gig, I did a couple in the summer just as the restrictions were easing and they were great because people were happy for you to be there. Yeah. So if you've got a big fat beer garden. Yeah.

And you want us to do something in April, early there. Yeah. So if you've got a big fat beer garden. Yeah. And you want us to do something in April, early May. Yeah. More, more, more than up for that. Lewis Clark says. And if you do have one, have a word pod at gmail.com as always.

Yeah. Not that other email address from before that should not exist, Carl. Would you rather, Lewis Clark says. All right, Andrew. Oh, sorry. All right, Andre. I'll shove in Didier, Drogba, Carlton Cole exist carl would you rather lewis clark says all right andrew ash oh sorry all right andre our chavin didier drogba carlton cole and fernando forrest forest have i have i already done this question i'm as i'm reading this out i'm like i i feel like i've said that i i won't be able to

tell you whether you've done the question would you rather be able to pick any venue in the world guarantee sellout once a month and do a gig a gig a month, and do a gig there for the rest of your career, or have any guests you want, one public podcast and Patreon a month. So, we've not done that before, have we? No. I just feel like I'm so used to the made-up names, the Andre Arshavin, Didier Drogba, Carlton Cole,

Fernando Forrestini. Forrestieri. Forrestieri, yeah. Did he play for Watford? Yeah. And then Sheffield Wednesday? I see him at Sheffield, yeah. So he says,

you get to pick any venue in the world and you get to guarantee sell that out once a month for the rest of your career. Or we get anyone we want for an episode once a month. The first one? Really? Yeah.

I think you've really banged the podcast in a big spot there, Rowey Bags. Well, fuck the podcast. I'm doing Madison Square Garden once a month with new material. Oh my god. That'd be... You bet anybody on the couch means anybody. Yeah.

Doesn't it? Anyone alive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Donald Trump could be on the couch next week. Yeah. Oh, God. But eventually, Donald Trump would come and see me at Madison Square Garden

because we would run out of people to sell tickets to. Yeah, do you think he would? No, I know, but I'm saying that's not good for everyone. Donald Trump would come and see me at Madison Square Garden because we would run out of people to sell tickets to. Yeah, do you think he would? No, I know, but I'm saying that's not good for everyone. How mental would it be when you got bored of Madison Square Garden? When you're like, you're raging around. Adam, sorry, we've not booked in June for the Anywhere in the World sellout show. Where do you want to do? I feel like I'm bored of new york i've been there five

times made 8.2 million in five months but doing new stuff just fancy that as if you do new and then you go on top if you do new stuff what kind of fucking mental would be like hello new york Oh, New York! Anyway. Isn't it really funny when you think about when you've lost weight and then you put weight back on and everyone thinks you're great? Anyone? I'll put a maybe next to that one. I'll put a line through that one. I'll put a question mark.

I think that is quite good. How weird would it be on the sixth one when you're like, yeah, that Wigan working men's club sounds alright where would you choose if you want someone to sell out gig but you've got to do

new stuff so if you're not comfortable doing new stuff at Madison Square Garden where would you do it guaranteed sell out why what's the new stuff thing

because it's your new material gig you've you've put a weird caveat on this I have yeah because I want to put a spin on it so you know those Adam Row You've put a weird caveat on this. I have, yeah, because I want to put a spin on it. So you know those Adam Rowan Friends gigs

we were doing on the 17th and 18th of May, hotwolf.comedy.co.uk? Yeah. Me and you, you're doing the initials. They're at Madison Square Gardens, are they? No, but if you could set that- Dan Nightingale and no mates, Madison Square Gardens.

No, but like if you could do Nightingale and Friends once a month, guaranteed sell out any venue. And you can pick, do you pick a different venue every month or is it just, do you pick one venue and that's it forever? That's it. Pick your one venue. Ah, right. You have to do that place forever.

I'll be honest, this sounds ridiculous, but if it's, you just pick one venue and that's the one and you can do that every month. Like a normal promoter does does they found a pub or venue and and then they that's how but yeah you can pick anywhere in the world i would have to factor in that i would get fucked off flying to new york it would start i know that you're gonna do alexander's in chester i that has also yeah no not going to do Alexander's in Chester where's good and local

hot water no I genuinely want to be where would be good to be like the king of just who would I love

Sheffield there you go I'll do the Sheffield City Hall City Hall on a Saturday once a month to really fuck off the competition. I'll be the king of Sheffield. Shout out, Toby Foster.

Hope you're well. Please don't hate me. Just fucking about. Yeah, genuinely, I know it sounds ridiculous but i play the the hawaii opera house i don't know if they've got one but i get pissed off with the travel i i'd probably choose hot walls has got to be up there like it's just so easy but i i what about the everyman no i've never even been in the everyman

but it's not like a good stand up room is it not no obviously you've got the empire that's 3000 people do you want to be doing

new stuff to 3000 people do you know what I mean and adding rowing friends to 3000 people that's definitely sold out but this is the thing with that it's definitely sold out

they definitely they're not definitely loving every minute of it. No. So you have to put a proper show on. I think I'd want a 5, 600 seater. I was thinking the store in Manchester. I love the store in Manchester.

It's got... Oh, yes. I might pick the store in London. Once a month. I'll pick the store in London. a month. I'll pick the store in London. And you know what it'll be called? It will be called Dan Nightingale and all his mother mates that have been unfairly banned by the store.

Yes, it's going to be me, Johnny Vegas, and Duncan Oakley every fucking month. Genius. Why are my dream venues all about revenge? No, actually, third one, my ex-girlfriend, Vicky, I will do every month at her house. I'll do Baby Blue then.

And do a late show at the slaughterhouse. Fucking hell. Is that Anne Frank up there? Part of the contract You've got to say it Oh Such a Slaggy off in joke

It's funny though Who would you have on the couch If you could have anyone though? Tom Segura's my number one guest No not comic You can have any person On the planet Tom Segura is my number one guest

Of any person Genuinely Could it be the best episode? I would love tim dylan on that couch yeah i have gone from not to tim dylan we wouldn't speak for two hours he do you know what i love about having guests like alfie brown is and what i've noticed about me and adam because there's days where we do serious things and there's days there like i'm in a i want to answer these questions seriously and adam's just in the mood to fuck about but what i have noticed about us we have got to that point of like reps where we tune in to the guest so if it's freddy we're like ah it's one of our mates we'll take the piss and when it's alfie when it's alfie because he's smart and because we both

admire him as a comic, I think there's an element of like, you want to be able to like sort of tune up to Alfie. Like, I'm not saying we change who we are, but you're like, he's interesting. He's bright. I mean, he might be an absolute Muppet for the whole episode, but usually it's insightful. He's intelligent. And I think both of us are like, right, tune in.

I'd love to tune into Tim Dillon and see what that was like. Segura's a hero, isn't he? I think, for what, I think, well, Bill Baird, obviously, like, these are genuine dream guests, but I've thought about this a lot. It's one of the questions I get asked when I do those Instagram Ask Me Anythings is, who's your dream podcast? And I've thought about it,

and obviously we'd love to get Bill Baird on, and Andrew Schultz and all the big Americans that we've eulogised about a hundred times. I've thought about it properly and I think the comic that could most

sit on that couch and just jump into the skipping ropes of what we do I think it's Tom Segura. I think he's our number one target as a guest. What about non-comic guests

then? Just humans? Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Because you've had some non-comic guests then? Just humans? Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Because you've had some non-comics, you've smashed it as well, like Johnny and... Rolf Harris.

Did you do it? Oh my God. Do you want to turn our podcast into a live nonce hunter podcast? Yeah. Stinson Hunter. I think this would be great if this was like an all-powerful,

if this was like a demigod that gave us the power to book anyone, we could literally do a list of like... It could become like an all-powerful if this was like a demigod that gave us the power to book anyone we could literally do a list of like it could become like an ultimate live interview style conspiracy pod couldn't it because they have to be booked so you could book gary glitter ralph harris who are the famous nonces i could really michael jackson adam talbot i don't michael jackson's a difficult i don't think michael jackson's gonna say yes you know what because he's deceased is he big freddy genuinely i thought finn was having a walk that freaked me out when he thought i thought finn had gone out for fresh air and he's like why have you gone paedophiles Dream guests Who Yeah

Who are the big stars I think Tom Hanks I know he's not necessarily funny but I thought we'd stop doing paedophiles Chah Upset me Nasty bitch Order

Order I will not have that sir You can talk about my small dick He's a rumoured nonce Allegedly I'm not saying he is he is you wouldn't you go like and trump no we're not just brushing over that he's the fuck he is the father of modern cinema i mean really modern cinema before any absolute

film of files come on mate you can't say that about Tom Hanks I'm not saying he is I'm saying that there's chat about it you definitely just did no I said it because no one in here was saying it I said it as a joke Dan

with a comedy podcast I don't like that joke Adam I don't want anyone to hear this well then write it off come can we agent

and we'll have a fucking five hour zoom call about it guys we're just having a meeting come here mate never talk about Tom Hanks like that.

It's bank of order. He eats kids with Hillary Clinton. Shut up, you fuck. He covers them in marinara sauce. Marinara! Please for Chelsea. And he's another nod. Yeah.

There's chat about him. Sorry, we just had to have a meeting, guys. You won't have heard what we said, but that got pretty heated. But it's artistic process. There's chat about him. So, genuine, non-comic guest. Pick three. Obama. Yeah. we said but that got pretty heated but it's artistic process chat about him so genuine non-comic guest pick three obama yeah i think i think obama dollars fuck no are you having a laugh

he's got flavor no he's flavor first thing that came to your mind barack obama flavor he he is brilliant on stuff like that oh I love him his Between Two Ferns considering he's not a comedian makes him look so sound with Zach Galifianakis

I think I think Obama is is a pick where in terms of so what you're trying to get right if you've got a dream guest you're trying to get the numbers massive

and you don't want them to lay an egg I'd go Tyson because I'd love to see you try and push him to the level of murder genuinely my one of the first things that's come to my head is david eich because i'd love to watch david i have a conversation with you and just see where that goes have you seen the emails from the Flat Earther guys? Yeah, the ones getting involved, don't they?

I think they want to Zoom, though, because they're in America. I think they do want to Zoom, and I'll pull the internet out that day. That'd be funny as fuck to vlog that. Fuck the fuck off. David Icke. Right. And watching you listen to what he believes. you listen to what he believes.

Because I give you conspiracies that there's mountains of evidence for. He believes some really weird stuff. Yeah, I'm sick of your filofax of facts. It's just, it's too much sometimes. I'm like, Adam, you've just done too much research on this shit. So Obama-tices can fall off the edge. Obama.

I have to give you that. I think Tyson would be pretty good. Would you want Conor on more than Tyson though? No, I despise him.

He beats old men often. But I think if we're using that against Conor McGregor, Tyson's got a fucking pretty brutal check in history, hasn't he?

He has, yeah. So, if you're going to have a boxer on, there's got to be some wiggle room, hasn't there? Otherwise, you've got, like boxer on there's got to be some wiggle room hasn't there otherwise you've got like not Evander Holyfield

Lennox Lewis just being boring yeah wiggle room there's no interest in boxers really is there there's no interest

in boxers as in like Chris Eubank's sound isn't he oh I couldn't I couldn't assist opposite Chris Eubank I'd just end up

doing an impression of him and it would really wind them up. Please do it. Nailed it. Absolutely nailed it. Fiori, be good. You know when you're playing Madison Square Gardens with Adam Rowan friends.

All right, guys. Great to be in New York. I'll start with my Chris Eubank impression. That is really good as well. Really good. They'll love that in New York. Do you want some salted vinegar crisps?

It's just a lisp. Do you want some salted vinegar crisps? It's not that bad. Do you want some salted vinegar crisps? I have some salted vinegar crisps.

It just sounds like a weird thing. Do you know what I mean? Prawn cocktail. Why is Chris Eubank obsessed with crisps. It just sounds like a weird thing. Do you know what I mean? Prawn cocktail. Why is Chris Eubank obsessed with crisps? Do you want them from Seabrook or Thoth? Do you want a garlic bread with your lasagna? Spaghetti bolognese?

What about musicians? Obviously, Finn Adove, the late, great John Lennon. No, it's got to be Someone alive Yeah I know But I'm saying Finn will still try Who's mad as fuck

I don't want someone Who's like I am amazing And I'm just trying To change the world I want someone I want someone Who is mad

As a bag of monkeys Like No Liam Gallagher I just feel like It's going to be Eggie Do you think Do you think

Do you think he's class He'd be sound Yeah Can we have Noel as well Make it really spicy No he's a gobshite I prefer Noel to Liam Yeah Noel's a gobshite

Liam's dead sound Yeah Right cool Yeah I can't believe you said that About Tom Hanks I feel like I want him To be my dad

So Me saying Tom Hanks Shags kids Is worse than Tom Hanks shagging kids. Awful. Allegedly. It's way too much of a pause, isn't it? Shaggy.

Shaggy. Yeah. Or Sean Nepal. Or Sean Nepal. Yeah. Do we want any women on the couch? No. Okey-doke.

Yes, of course. Okey-doke. We you a leaper yeah katie lee jew a leaper katie lee that musician megan markle yeah because i really felt with oprah she had to pull some punches you know here she could sit down like fucking there's harry looking all like nervous and Meghan could be like guys I'm gonna say it they're fucking nonsense they're racist bastards they said

Meghan hey what colour's your fucking baby gonna be at the Queen yeah would you rather no it was a member

of the Royal Family it wasn't the Queen or Philip no from the voice you've got to guess which member of the Royal Family hey I'm fucking royal me Johnny V would you rather stupid of the royal family it wasn't the queen or Philip no from the voice you've got to guess which member of the royal family hey

I'm fucking royal mate Johnny V would you rather give up your title of being a princess or let Prince Andrew do the babysitting would

you rather no you've got to do it Meghan Harry Harry sit down you ginger nuts no come in lads

come in how good would that be if they were we're going to do two be we're going to do two interviews we're going to do because Dan Nightingale and Adam Rowe

did a really good job of the mental health episode the bonus mental health special and I just feel really comfortable talking about my own

mental health and you know and they talk about race all the time is this Chris Eubank that sounds like it's Chris Eubank

in press I'm going to talk to him why don't we get Chris Eubank? That sounds like it's Chris Eubank in press. I'm looking at a sauce and vinegar quiz. Why don't we get Chris Eubank and Michael on the same episode? What they said to me was, if your child was a flavour, what flavour would it be? And I said, that's racist. That's really racist.

Is this Tyson now? No, I think it's Michael Jackson. That's ignorant. No, that's ignorant No That's ignorant Fuck Meghan Markle's fit isn't she She is yeah Really pretty

Glowing She's got that pregnancy glow And she got rid of Piers Morgan Woo Go on Meghan Yeah She got rid of Piers Morgan That fucking jowly twat

He's coming back somewhere though Of course he is. He'll have his own show. For about eight minutes, the country was like, God, he really holds the Tory ministers accountable. Oh, yeah. And when that ended, he was just an horrible cunt again, making ITV eggy in the morning.

Well, she ghosted him, didn't she, on a date? That's why he's so salty. Fucking hell. What the fuck? Was that a real date? He thinks it is. What the fuck was all a real date he thinks it is and then he put on a taxi eminem doing on a date with that moon face tory cunt

anyway uh got a new sponsor today it's the daily mirror and the films of tom hanks what's your favorite tom hanks film catch me if you can as if he wasn't trying to let us know something there And the films of Tom Hanks. What's your favourite Tom Hanks film? Catch Me If You Can. As if he wasn't trying to let us know something there. Toy Story. Toy Story. Sex Toy Story.

The Post. Poston. Pictures of his dick. Terminal. What's The Post? What's The Post? It's a film that Tom Hanks was in Cast Away Is that the third one that came to your head

The Post I've never even heard of it All the Tom Hanks films that he's won Multiple Oscars for Forrest Gump Nah nah that's hack The Post Forrest Hump

He humps kids in the forest Yeah This is awful. Do you know what? Allegedly. It's awful. There's certain people we can't talk about like this. I don't know.

Yes, it's paying the bills. Yes. I really appreciate all of you fuckers and the Patreon. But come on, guys. You don't know Tom Hanks. I feel like I do. But you don't. You never know anyone, really.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors of pizza parlours in the basement. I'd love it if you turned out to be a pedo. If I did? Just on that logic. Yeah. Hide in plain sight. What are you looking at?

Escape route. Wear them wet wipes. Throw them over. Have we got any more correspondence? I think we need an interlude. Let's put a ladder up to the wall and climb

up this hole and do a break. I don't like it when you do that. You know because I prepped the questions and then you sit there like a young Henry VIII

going, more! More! I mean the guest is coming in in 20 minutes but more! Have a break if you want If you need a nap Yeah I do Want a little break

Thanks Alfie Brown's coming in If you're a patron You might have already seen Alfie before He did a patron exclusive The only patron exclusive guest episode ever Now it's his public turn But before he's here

Hear from some of the cunts who give us money to do this shit. Sorry, Tom Hanks fans. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train? Yes.

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Go get it. SupremeCBD.UK. What? Hi. Welcome to episode 111. I like the symmetry. Well, it's not symmetry as I put the... 111?

It's pleasing, isn't it? Is it? Triple one. 111. Just three lines. Remember, you showed me a message the other day where we were like, basically wanking each other off via podcast and WhatsAppping by going, look, look at what we've done and this is only episode 11.

And you were like, and here we are and i've fallen out of love with him and one one one is very bad luck in cricket in the first ball of the 11th over the umpire will david shepherd specifically an old umpire might not be alive the big round one round one, white hair. Yeah, that's the third. Would lift up his leg and it would often put the bowler off. So, I hope... Was he farting? It might have been something numerically about like an intestinal numerical

issue that meant that he had to guff every time it reached a certain number of balls. Not a lot of those around is there? Like, usually with I, it's not linked to numbers often. No, no, no, no. The number nine? Do you know what I've discovered?

We talk about my IBS a lot, particularly lately. Oh, by the way, someone has signed me up to the National IBS Network and sent me a card that says, I can't wait on it. Is it over there? Yeah. So I can show this at any establishment where you know and get all the pussy yeah yeah that's how it works it's basically a card that says let me use your toilet

or i will shit on your floor um so you got a one for not having a mask one to be excused shitting yourself wherever you that was fantastic i didn't ask for this some listener has signed me up to the bladder and bowel community um the holder of this card has a medical condition and needs to use the toilet quickly please help now i don't know whether this is like a get out of jail free card that you can only use once and they have to keep it right or whether this is to stay in your voucher you get for your birthday off your nana yeah it's a voucher shit yourself anywhere love yeah but what about to go into the ladies if there's free um i don't know i don't think it works does it work like that for real isn't it it's not gonna be

this is a real thing like they've laminated it it's plaster oh yeah you know it's not it's not like a free pass for everything though no i know i know. You can't bust into someone's house and shit in the nursery. Like, oh, sorry. No, that's the cut. And then get your card out. Everyone's like the mum. There is a limit of what that card will get you out of. You can't shit in a post office.

Specifically, the limit is going to the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I also, like, I'm not sure, like, whether someone would accept this anyway. Because everywhere I've worked, we've never been trained in this issue. Do you know what I mean? So I imagine if you hand this in to the manager of an all-bar one, they're probably going to go, I'm going to fucking know what this is.

It's not particularly good quality either. It looks like you might have laminated that yourself to try and... I don't know. That's quite good. I mean, that's gym. Yeah, let me feel it. That's gym membership card level of professional yeah but I just feel like you want something a bit more

if I work in Topshop then maybe I want something a little bit more like a little hologram or something like a little hologram of a poo like a poo passport oh god you've got a stamp here little chef, top man

and a child's bedroom i love that your brain went straight to top man as if i'm going to be on the streets of a high street and be like where we'll have a toilet and top man would be well the top shop um oxford circus may it rest in peace was always a great shit if ever you needed one did they have a toilet yeah i think i was thinking of doing an app of all the places that you could shit in uh london weird well you're gonna have to join forces because adam's already creating the where adam will shit in liverpool app okay well you can do the liverpool branch yeah i mean my one will have i think the app is gonna be called mock stations that's good mock stations that's good that'suckstations. That's good.

My other great business idea was wasitnilnil.com. So if you've recorded a football match that you want to watch after it's happened, you just wasitnilnil.com it and then it goes yes it was nilnil or no it was not nilnil and then you can either watch it or not watch it accordingly. Good idea.

The only two football matches I've ever avoided the score of and not watched ever are Liverpool's first league against Manchester City

that we won 3-0 in the Champions League quarter final of 2019 19? 18 and Liverpool 4

Arsenal 4 when Andre Arshavan scored all four Arsenal goals oh my god I remember that game Arsenal wasn't avoided completely 2009 about 2009 yeah something like that but he had four Arsenal goals. Oh my God, I remember that game. Arsenal was a yellow.

2009. About 2009? Yeah. Yeah, something like that. But he had the face of a prick child, scored four goals and after every single one would go

shhh to the crowd, which is my least favourite thing that footballers do. I've paid £47.50 to come in here, you little

rusky shit. Don't tell me that I can't make the noise. I've prayed to make this noise. Andre Arshavin has got two mentions completely

independently on the podcast. That guy before called me, called Adam Andre Arshavin. Yeah, and he was like, he looked about 18, and he was about 26 wasn't he yeah yeah he had an amazing

Euro 2008 for Russia and then Arsenal bought him and he looked great he had one of those seasons season and a half

and then fucked up but Arsenal had a succession of the this is not a football podcast but they had lots of those like Hleb

which is do you remember Alexander Hleb Hungarian Belarusian Belarusian was he Belarusian yes Belarusian which is do you remember Alexander Khleb Hungarian Belarusian Belarusian was it Belarusian yes

Belarusian which is sort of also Russian yeah for those of us that know our geopolitics it's sort of a bit

you know they've got special and then there's those countries in between that are like Muslim but European would you agree the Euro Muslims

what happens when they draw I call back to an old episode trying to get a guest in trouble Alfie Ian, would you agree? The Euro-Muslims. What happens when they draw? I call back to an old episode trying to get a guest in trouble. Alfie is so in tune with this podcast. It's unbelievable. When he walked in before, I was like, fuck, I'm looking forward to this one. He's come up with an app that we've already come up with just beautifully on his own

and has basically done the, ah, they're basically Russian, which we did with Uzbekistan and armenia i fucking love it um well armenia is still under um russian protection and they feel a lot of uh they feel a lot of kinship towards russians and a lot of uh russian and armenian have dual citizenship yeah but that russian protection is not always welcome is it you know there's a lot of places under wink wink russian protection and they are shitting it dan's got beef with russia dan doesn't like Russian protection's not always welcome, is it? You know, there's a lot of places under wink-wink Russian protection, and they are shitting it. Dan's got beef with Russia.

Dan doesn't like Russia. He doesn't like Putin. He doesn't like anything that Russia stands for. And he's got similar issues with China, but he can't be as vocal about them because there is the old racial... Is he on TikTok? Yeah.

No, I can be more horrible to the Russian premiership because I look a bit Russian. When he gets Chinese, everyone's like, all right, fella, leave it. What would you have to change about your face to look more Chinese? They are horrible murdering, cheating cunts, aren't they? What would you change about yourself to look more Chinese?

Okay. What would you do? Thanks. What would you do? It's not enough to get poisoned in Salisbury. You're now trying to get me cancelled on YouTube. What would I do to look more Chinese? You can't get cancelled on YouTube.

It's one of the social media platforms that it's just impossible to get cancelled on. It's not like Twitter. Twitter, you breathe sideways at a subject, and then suddenly everybody goes, um, excuse me, and they do this thing. Yeah, what are you winking at the camera for?

Well, I don't know. You don't know what I'm about to say. We like to keep it just on the fairway. Yeah. We've never been in trouble. We've caused no controversy ever we're fine aren't we we're just but you can't on twitter or whatever when you publicize the episodes you're going it's this is the time that it's all over for us have you ever actually come close oh do you not know what's happened in the past week or so? No, my research for this podcast has been listening to the... Fuck, I've forgotten his name. The nice boy who was...

Josh Jones. That's the fella. Do you know what was really funny about that? It was the hands that got it for me. Yeah, you put the hands... Anyway, sorry, sorry, sorry. I think he's really... I like his videos on Twitter.

I will tell you post-episode the shit we've been dealing with. I was getting sweaty palms there as I thought Adam Rowe was going to explain fully to Alfie Brown what we've just been through in the last week and a half. And I was like, guys, you can start it again. It's going to happen again. I'm sort of comforted by the fact that news didn't reach Alfie.

Do you know what i mean yeah okay yeah i've muted almost everyone on uh but i haven't seen you to record i haven't muted anybody here yeah i followed you in the last week yesterday yeah yeah yeah we've been we've been relatively quiet yes we've been quite that's the best thing to do yes and the old social bunker okay okay yeah anyway we we've upset a uh you know certain a minority twitter okay and uh i don't advise it although still want to do this podcast like the great thing is that most people aren't on twitter and most people not on twitter think everybody on twitter's a dick i actually don't know what

your situation is or where i would come down on it morally but i don't care yeah i mean i care enough to want to find out but i don't care enough to want to the thing with twitter is i don't fuck the dolphin i've said it in its blowhole though yes well yeah the the yeah nominally the only true blowjob but he's got a card for it and he whipped it out but apparently I can rape a dolphin this means I get to fuck you fuck off

squeaky come here you dust cunt it's laminated I don't just want to swim with you from the nationwide advert, you're not too bunker in the sea. I'm a dolphin whisperer. Don't tell fucking anyone about this.

Flipper, come on. I was trying to think of squeaky. I was trying to think of a fucking dolphin name. Squeaky. Squeaky, at least that was original, I suppose. Wasn't squeaky when I got there lad but it fucking was when I left not often you get that many

dolphin rape jokes one after the other but we manage it you say we piss people off I don't know I think dolphins are intelligent enough that they could consent most bestiality is necessarily rape, but dolphins are so smart that they could probably go,

yes, I'm up for that actually. Well, Dan's got a theory on this that we've discussed before. Dan thinks beyond a certain size of animal, it can't possibly be cast as a crime because it shouldn't be. Yeah. You can't fuck a buffalo against its will.

If you manage to fuck a buffalo against its will if you manage to fuck a buffalo the buffalo wanted it yeah and it would be a great like exercise in natural selection if we let the people who are into bestiality beyond say llama draw the line at llama okay if you want to fuck a horse try and fuck a a horse. And then if that goes wrong, we have one less horse fucker on the earth. Have you ever seen any animal porn? I've seen a woman who got bummed by a horse. Bummed, was it? I would have thought that she'd go vaginal first.

Bumshagged by a horse. You've got to be so confident at your anal dexterity. I mean, why? Why make it more difficult for yourself you're already fucking a horse i think she might have been a bit dirty though so yeah yeah not like come on be a lady you've only just met the horse slag there was a whatsapp video that went around certain what's up groups a few years ago where a woman was getting bummed by a horse. Oh, I can't watch any of that stuff. She died.

She got bummed to death by a horse. Oh, for the love of God. I was at 13 when I saw it, and a boy at my school who had some issues, I suppose. Internet access. Well, both in the it lab and used the it lab to go on um farmlove.com and uh showed us all this uh this film about the lady getting um no she don't do it not on the work network what animal was it with a horse it was a variety of different animals

all the ones that live on the farm really oh right and one woman it was the one woman yes but I mean I imagine there must have been a photographer there

because it was pre-selfie on tripod days oh right okay cool farmlove.com yeah you said that again

like you were like you were doing an insert I think they need to make that less innocent or was it was it like an afternoon

did you look that far into it no I did you go on IMDB is what Adam's Adam's asking was she in I read the

where's this farm what else as with all films I'm not really confident enough in my own opinion until I've read Peter Bradshaw's review in the Guardian so I wasn't Where's this farm? What else? As with all films, I'm not really confident enough in my own opinion until I've read Peter Bradshaw's review in The Guardian.

So I wasn't... And how many stars did he give it? Farmlove.com. Very hard to tell with him, but I can't quite remember. He's often quite fickle with his reviews. Is he?

Yeah. As you know. Oh, yeah. I know. You read Guardian film reviews, don't you, all the time? Honestly, when it comes to farm porn, I'm there. How well do you know what to think if you don't read film reviews?

I do what I do with most of my opinions. I quickly decide what it is and then defend it until people get upset. Yes, I've seen you do that. Yeah. You've seen that bit, have you? That's every week. You've seen farm do that. Yeah. Oh, you've seen that bit, have you? That's every week. You've seen farmlove.com. You've seen that

and you've missed our follow away. Um, um, when did, when, when did we start? No,

I won't. I'm sorry. I won't press it. No, no. Podcasting. Adam didn't, any Dolphin fans in,

just rest assured that was just humour. Okay. I would love it if Dolphin Twitter came after us. Peter, surely. Peter. He would love it if dolphin Twitter came after us. Peter? Surely?

Peter? He loves dolphins. He does. Would you eat a dolphin? Would you eat dolphin? Yeah. If it was a thing? Yeah.

I'd eat most things that I can't imagine falling in love with. Right. I wouldn't eat a dog because like I've had dogs and I like dogs. But everything else is just such a foreign entity as a species. You've never met a pig? What?

You've never met a pig? I've been to the petting zoo. And you petted a pig? Yeah. Yeah? That's farmlove.co.uk. Different website. A bit more innocent.

Like pigs are great fun they they can be your friends they're they're smart yeah pigs are smart but i knew bacon before i knew pigs so that you've added a different criteria in there yeah that's a different moral criteria that you wouldn't eat if you knew like what do you call what would dog rump yeah uh let's call it yeah if i'd eaten that first if i'd eaten that first yeah then yeah i i might have a different opinion is that why you've got a beagle because it looks less sort of tasty he's eating it have you eaten it the dog was delicious okay good i had a chef friend once that um cooked everyone pigeon pitta. And there's a few people like,

you did it very well. Pigeon pitta? Is that like baking a pigeon into a pitta bread? Got some pigeon meat, made it. There's not loads of meat on it. But yeah, apparently it was delightful. I'd eat a pigeon, yeah. Fuck them. Yeah.

You're a vegan. I know, but a pigeon? Oh, really? You're a vegan? But if you decide the animal's a bit of a cunt, or the whole species is a bit cunty... Well, no, the thing is that I'm not a vegan. I just live most of my days as a vegan.

But the... No, I know it sounds silly. I'm not a racist. I just attend a lot of EDL meetings. I'm just thinking about... Go on, on sorry how do you live as a i'm interested to try and unpack that allegory um uh i'm i don't like because i'm not because i sometimes have uh you know a bit of cheese or something you fucking maverick indeed oh dear what a clumsy oaf oh Oh no, heavens to Betsy. In all the excitement, you've forgotten where your mouth is.

Can we have those wet wipes? Just throw a certain, yes, as you were. Pour the tea into your blowhole. Me call it, me call it. Oh, after all the good work you did catching that card as well. So what do you mean? Is your missus a vegan well she became a vegan after i became a vegan because i decided i became a vegan when i started living

with my brother who is a zealot vegan oh he's hard um so he is uh hard lines as i believe uh people might call it uh doesn't uh tolerate uh people not being vegan very easily uh we'll often see people in the uh shops the shops wearing like a fur coat and go, excuse me, is that real fur? Like one of those sorts of interfering... Is this your brother I've met? No. See, I don't mind that anti-fur thing,

but if he comes anywhere near me in a queue for KFC, there's going to be an issue. If he gets in between me and a Zinger Tauburger, that's a problem. I mean, the ladder of uh wrong like how do you how are you gauging it like which animal's worse is milk worse than beef because i'd sooner or some part of my brain thinks that it's more acceptable to eat beef than it is to drink milk because i wouldn't mind like i'd rather be shot in the back of the head than forcibly milked milked forever oh see i thought beef would be but worse than

cheese well this is my own personal i think you you've done what i do and what a lot of people so my ex went vegan and she's also started firing this information at me because she knew how to work me around on an issue, which was, I'm not going to look into it. So she would just slowly drip feed me information that will make me feel bad about something. Yeah. Right. Okay. So like the, the obvious thing to go as well, you know, vegetarian is one step down from vegan. So, you know, but vegetarians would still have a bit of milk. so that can't be that bad because some people still have that but the meat's the worst thing because that's the thing none of those two

and then fur's the top of the and then fucking dolphins is above that like you say if you're just killing an animal to eat its meat that's better than making it a milky sex slave for years before you chew on it I mean truer words rarely spoken that's better than making it a milky sex slave for years before you chew on it.

I mean, truer words rarely spoken. It was beautiful, but the sex bit wasn't part of it, was it? Just a milky slave would have done. It's like the farmer goes, come on, Daisy, you fucking do it. It was your podcast brain going, this has made too much sense for too long. That was a valid point. Nods. Cow nods. There's something vaguely sexual about milk and anything isn't there uh yes as somebody who is uh dating a woman who is currently using a breast milkable

i wouldn't call her my milky sex slave but she's certainly in milky indentured servitude he's been checking her imdb as well lovely uh no she's using breast pump like that one for youtube squeezy squeeze uh is she pumping it uh yes we've got many a breast pump uh watching the nipple disappear into a breast pump for the first time twitching up the little hole like a rat's nose. It's really brilliant. It's one of those things where you're like, I don't want to see this but I cannot look away as the nipple goes no, surely not.

No. So you've got one child, another one on the way. Did Laura breast pump first time round? Not for long. She... Is that how I burst? What? No, no, it's pretty... Yeah.

Oh, just from the first half, just so you know, Laura, Dan's missus, her tit has burst, and she's getting competition for it. No, no, okay, backtrack. Her tit ruptured a while ago, long time ago.

She had a breast implant. She didn't just have an exploding tit. So you need to know that there was an implant initially. She didn't just have an exploding tit. So you need to know that there was an implant initially. She didn't just one day go, this one's getting big. Oh, okay. So it wasn't like- Like, yeah, you're not overfilling a fucking car tire.

She had breast implants and there was a problem with the breast implants. Yeah, and it's not currently going on. She had like mastitis and then suddenly the lump went. And she's getting a payout because the company was sued and she was one of the plaintiffs. That's the real version in my head the normal average tits that you motorboat i motorboat it and i lean too hard when we're right and then she woke up the day went down something's not right lad and i was like yeah you've gone scouse for a start i don't know why you're scouse

this morning she's gone i think having one big left tits made me more scouse lad so have you ever been in a house with a breast pump around? Yeah I live in a house with a breast pump Can you breastfeed with implants? Yeah Great She's not like Hooters stripper tits

I know Good evening To Mr and Mrs stripper tits Her daughter, Hooters Can you breastfeed with those? Hoot. Stripper Tits, her daughter, Hooters. Can you breastfeed with those? Hooters Stripper Tits, no talking in the classroom. So welcome to your careers meeting, Hooters Stripper Tits.

What do we think we might be, what openings might be available for you? I like architecture. Well, have you had a go? St stuck my dick in the breast oh i thought you meant i thought i was milking myself but like have you put it on your oh yes to see i because it wasn't working so i needed to see if it worked so i sucked my disgusting hairy nipple up at once and it was a very bizarre sensation i thought you were going to ask have i ever drank breast milk um you go on amazon and price up breast breast breast pumps i will pay it out of my cut of this month's money to see adam lose his lebanese tit upper breast pump that would be superb they moo as well when they're on

mmm mmm mmm oh Tommy Tommy Tippy mmm an LV no sorry

an LV or no an LV won't be good enough what he wants is a Medela get him a Medela they really I'm not doing this

they have a Medela oh come on hand on heart the truth is I'm worried that some milk's going to come out and I'm going to this. Because hand on heart, the truth is, I'm worried that some milk's going to come out and I'm going to be a medical marvel. Do you know what I had at school?

I had a condition called gynecomastia, which is where a little bit of lady tit tissue develops under your teenage boy's nipple. And it's Latin for woman breast syndrome. Now imagine being a 13-year-old boy, newly sexualized and entering into the world of fancying girls and being told by a doctor that you had something called woman breast syndrome. It was so humiliating. What was the treatment?

There's no treatment. It's just like don't have a girlfriend. That's the treatment. It's like being told you've got pussification of the bum hole is it still there yeah kind of you got no big old lady nipples is this just slightly big like i remember i'd naked wrestled somebody at Late and Live and Brendan Burns went, Alfie, your nipples look like they're shouting.

And, uh... They look like you, do they? Uh... Oh, that was the peak of his career. That and the fucking Perrier. Oh, my God. Alfie. Okay.

Come on, reset. Would you though? If we had a breast pump. On camera. How much? 25 quid. 25 quid? 25 quid.

I swear to God, I'll do it right now. Dan, Dan. I am not putting my teeth in a breast pump on camera. Have you tasted breast milk? Please. Putting my tit in a breast pump on camera.

Have you tasted breast milk? Please. Yes. It's absolutely marvellous. It's really completely beautiful. Delicious. I don't remember it being really... I got told it's a bit fruity.

It's sweet. That's what I mean. It's certainly sweet. It's warm. And, well, it depends when you have it. Oh, I didn't have it from the fridge no yeah no no uh i got straight on so hang on would you when you say you've tasted it would you drink it or have you just tasted it well the first time i ever tasted it was at a house party where the

first one we went to after our first son was born and uh you have to do what's called pump and dump which is when you pump out all the boozy breast milk that's full of fucking cabernet sauvignon and um pour it into a plant pot or something uh because the baby can't have it otherwise the barbie the baby gets uh hammered yeah uh you know whatever has a first white russian exactly exactly um so yeah i i didn't want to waste it felt like a waste putting it in the plant pot so i i did a shot of it but since then i've tried to because i'm interested in how the and what you have to because you can't just straight suck a nipple and have milk come out

you've got to like almost pump it up you've got to like breathe in the nipple to the back of like have it come to the back of your throat and then use your tongue to kind of coax the bottom of the tip fuck off really yeah that's amazing and babies just know how yeah how do you know that how do you know that bit what you just know that bit well i worked it out all right you've really got you're really gonna get it back to the back of your throat and like amazing i think it's a wonderfully i just have you say you like it would you have it in your tea would you have a glass of it it's very valuable and a lot of emotional energy goes into the production of it and i think spiritually

the um the producer um of uh the breast milk wants the consumer to be very much predominantly a baby. So I don't think I'd want to enjoy the breast milk willy-nilly and make light of all the effort that's gone into producing it. But were there some going spare, I'd definitely like to experiment with perhaps making breast milk butter, ice cream and other, possibly not cheese. I don't think it would lend itself to a cheese. Rob Rouse has got a lovely bit at the end

when he goes, I think we took it too far when we made fudge. Fudge, it would be a brilliant fudge. Lots of natural sugars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be a popular flavour in the ice cream parlour, wouldn't it? Well, there was a place that-

Titty flavour. Is that what you call it? Is that the branding? There was an ice cream parlour in Camden that made tit milk uh ice cream yeah that that works out yeah it wasn't rather room that one wasn't as a vegan that's okay isn't it um yes because uh the as long as the woman's it's not factory farming it and you haven't got loads of women yeah she's concerned the lady would have consented yes true um you'd

hope well i think it was part of the marketing blurb. They made sure that that was pretty much nailed on info that you got. Up top, sorry. Is honey vegan? There are certain vegan grey areas. Honey is one of them. And things like mussels and oysters are another. You still eat oysters, don't you?

I eat oysters, yes. And it's sort of so that you can't be called a vegan. Yeah, there's a very entertaining YouTube video, which don't stop watching this, but do seek it out. YouTube.com slash? BBC3. Oh, sorry, I thought it was on your YouTube. No, no, no, no, no.

Just say it's Alfie Brown vegan video on YouTube. And also look at the response videos by different vegan activist bloggers who, it's the pageantry of point missing that goes on in all of those videos is fantastic. I don't know, maybe in your antagonising of the general wokosphere, you've had response videos made or something like that.

I don't know. Yeah, but there might be some on the way. Never had a video. No. Well, I look forward to that because they are... There's some valid complaints

and then there's some absolute nonsense. Okay. Yeah, well that's off in the way, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah,

we did. Why muscles? Is it because they just... They have no central nervous system. They have no capacity for pain. They have no brain. They have no... How can you be 100% sure of that? Because they don't have a brain. system they have no capacity for pain they have no brain they have no how can you be a hundred percent sure of that because they don't have a

brain because they've looked yeah wow i mean some people say that this is this is what i mean like when i put things to you and you haven't got an answer and i'm like exactly and you have a go at me and but like if someone does have an answer for me then i'm willing to concede can i okay well counterpoint the things you put at me is you go tom hanks fucks kids and i go that's an awful thing to say you go you don't know that he doesn't and that's you thinking you've won you went yeah muscles how do you know they don't feel pain because they've got no brain and then you went all right there is a bit of a. How do you know they don't feel pain? Because they've got no brain. And then you went, all right. There is a bit of a difference, isn't there?

You know, like. I think you're nitpicking. Hang on. Given that you've been subject to all these complaints, am I going to get, I can't believe you went on their podcast of what they said about. No, no, no. Yes.

Yes. About that community of people. You dirty muscle eating bastard. No. We don't think so anyway. Okay. I've been wrong before. Yeah, wrong before yeah yeah i'll be wrong again uh you'll be fine yeah can i ask you a question we've got a question about stand-up and uh we are really warming towards you know because the roadmap out of this clusterfuck has been laid out let's hope it works out yeah can we talk a bit of stand-up sure is that all right is that okay if the listener approves well i just because you're

like if you've never seen alfie do stand-up he's absolutely amazing oh and alfie's going to be at the adam rowan friend shows that we mentioned in the first half all four of them so i mean every single time you've publicized it you've put and friends in quotation marks. And I kind of go, oh, none taken. And colleagues. And friends. And people available who can work to a decent standard. And people I've met before. This is from Dan Johnson.

Daniel Johnson. Yeah, Daniel Johnson. The mentally ill singer-songwriter, Dan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brilliant. Before he died, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah, he sent a yeah yeah before he died that's amazing he sent a lot in before he died but he also

scheduled a lot of his emails so we get them regularly that's really really good he would have been into that very clever says Iolidz just saw a TV show with a dentist who talks about how he feels trimming his nose hair and making sure he hasn't got any bats in the cave is a requirement of the job given the fact that thousands of people are looking

upwards at his nose like throughout a year so he's a dentist and he thinks part of his job is to not be in a fucking nasally hairy mess and have bogies of stuff because that's just being professional as a dentist he said are you ever self-conscious when stood on stage or have you ever turned up, lights on you full and you know you've got a massive spot or black eye or something? If so, do you reference it before you start your set? So is there anything in and around stand-up that makes you nervous, makes you self-aware, or do you have any rituals

before you get on stage that make you go, right, I'm ready, I can do this? My clothes are something I think about a lot. I'm a bit of a buffoon with liquids, as you've seen before when I spilled this. And there's been times where I will normally drive to whatever gig I'm doing, wherever it is, in the clothes I'm going to do the show in.

And I know a lot of comics don't do that. They'll have like a shirt or a jacket or something hung up in the back of the car. Particularly comics who wear a blazer or a suit on stage. They take that separately with them and they go in casual clothes. If I was going to a gig tonight, I would be intending to wear this on stage.

And there's been several times where I've had to sort of, because I've spilled something on myself on the way there, I've had to, on the way to, let's say, Birmingham, I've had to go via Stoke and find a fucking top man in Stoke to get a hoodie or a new jacket because I've spilled some shite on me. And I just can't go on stage with a tea stain or a...

I've got a fair few five pound black t-shirts because I've got mayo, like, down a shirt or something i once uh i i took my me and jesse took the kids to the cinema just before i was uh on um oxford glee and uh as we my daughter fell asleep and so i put her onto my lap and was holding her there and just as the film was ending um she pissed onto my crotch and i was sodden but she'd managed to piss like so acutely into the area that i would have pissed into if it was me who had pissed myself and i wandered around westfield uh desperately looking for trousers and had to eventually drive up and in those service stations they have those little

like camping shops sometimes and I had to buy some like wading trousers to go to Oxford and do Birmingham Glee So you were in Westfield? I was in Westfield but couldn't find anything in time

Oh right, okay And then Because that's a fucker isn't it? Being in one of the biggest shops I just didn't want to be late so I had to leave immediately and I thought it's better to be late, so I had to leave immediately. And I thought it's better to be covered in piss and punctual.

And I can open with that salmon fishing bit that I've been really wanting to try. I always, before a gig, will check. I will usually ask somebody else in the green room, is my nose clear? And I'll swipe my fly. I'll swipe my finger up my fly to make sure it's all done up um i'm a big fan of the d linton rollers don't know why anyone would give a shit about a bit of lint everywhere but if i if i feel like someone in front of me is going god you're linty it bugs

me yeah i don't i've got several lint rollers in the house now because i just can't yeah yeah i've been called vain as i'm getting out getting ready for a gig like people like oh my god you're being so vain you're like it isn't vanity it's paranoia professional that you just look you just want to go do i look like a normal person like is anyone going to be like what the fuck is that like show business as well at the end of the day we are comics and whatever but you know you've got it you should look presentable and say i've looked awful on stage in the past but i think a lot about what i look like on stage and i perform differently depending on what i'm wearing i i feel most comfortable on stage in a some sort of bomber jacket like an open like this or that's proper gig i've seen you in new material like hoodie

yeah is that right yeah like i just i'll sometimes sit on the stool on new material as well just look and take my time a bit more i won't really roll up with a routine until i'm really comfortable with it i i like the idea of putting something on for a gig that makes you feel remember dave williams telling me that he always had a suit and a thing and he was like it's not necessary i don't dress like really i don't dress like a student and then put a suit on there wasn't a massive difference but for him that was just part of what got him ready for the stage like this is what i wear on stage and this makes me feel like a comic is there anything you wear there's like a certain thing for an like one of the most and this goes for material as well as what you look like

slash what you wear how you appear to an audience the audience can't know anything about you that you don't know yourself. So if you've got a bunch of dandruff or a big spot on the end of your nose and you don't say, and it's distracting people, they're going, fuck me, he's got a lot of dandruff. They're going to think that they've got, it just damages the power balance that's necessary for it to go well. One button on your collar being buttoned and one button not being buttoned. I swear to God God I've come off

and gone oh that's why it was no wonder they hated me oh that's why they keep saying I'm racist

ow but that bugs me because I'm like someone will have sat there going yeah he's good

why's he not putting that second button yeah exactly or when one of your buttons just comes to find that out just as you got off stage you go ah because you don't you don't want the feeling of anyone sat there going

and this goes for material as well if you're doing a bit of material like i saw some uh a fellow comedian do once um about uh like how what a nightmare it was when he made this girl squirt everywhere and i remember seeing that and going, you want us to know this, and you must be more aware of why you're telling us this than how it comes across. Because you'll say, oh God, it was just such a funny story and such a nightmare.

But really, you would like us- My dick make pussy explode like fire hydrant that's exactly right yeah yeah wow was it tom rigglesworth then sounding like yes that's a brilliant that reminds me of the poem paul mcafree bit about um subtle humble brags within you know when people do that thing like that's an amazing bit of material if you're single and you're out there, you know what it's like guys, when you make a woman come too much,

I'll be sticking around. I'll be downstairs in Barisa. It's the same way. Ask anybody how they are. I'm so busy. It's a nightmare. Oh, you do.

Do you want me to know you're doing well? You're, it's a, you're being performative about the fact that you're, you, you love the fact that you're busy and it doesn't necessarily, it's not proof of doing well. It's, you can be performative about the fact that you're you you love the fact that you're busy and it doesn't necessarily it's not proof of doing well it's you can be doing really well and not be busy yeah i we've sort of mentioned this before i suppose which is our catchphrase um

i prefer big dick that's going on merch god we've mentioned this before their big dick but i prefer like just like i'm dead happy i've got this i'm excited that's what i said i just don't know if we've mentioned this before. With their big dick. But I prefer it like just, like, I'm dead happy I've got this. I'm excited. That's what I said. I just don't. Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, I, I, well, yeah, no uh well yeah no no absolutely it's the um what's the line from ratatouille i ate false modesty it is just another way to lie yeah um did little ratatouille reference my goodness me um and also that is my i much preferably going i'm doing really well I love my podcast and it's all going brilliantly and here we all are

isn't it going great for me at the moment rather than oh it's just a nightmare I'm so busy it's just so much work on it the Edinburgh Festival

for me is the worst for that is the humble little brag of everyone instead of just going

I've got a five star review and I'm fucking made up of work dead hard on this i'm paying nine grand to be here let's go with the next day i just hate that whole i can't believe this people saying i'm so proud of my little show my little show proud of your little show you're proud of yourself and it's not that's what led to me possibly inadvisably and in jokedly to, only referring to my last show as my massive and important show. My little show is sold out on

Saturday. I can't believe it. Well, you should believe it. You're in a 40-seater and you were on Have I Got News for You on Saturday. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, my little show doesn't work if you're in the Pleasants. What is it, like the Pleasants Grand? Yeah. My little show's doing

very well this is show business it's the life we chose oh damn oh heavens to Betsy what a palaver is Edinburgh coming back Alfie in your opinion

obviously there's been a lot of chat in about how this industry will do are there going to be two fringes in the bin is it coming back

in any form well they're planning just to sorry I won't let you answer but like they are planning to do a small version of it this year Well that, well I can't answer now can I? I've been told How can I speculate

about it now when I know what's going to happen? How can I be entertainingly speculative when you've just told me the fucking answer? They don't call him Madam Fax for nothing. No, but do you think it's coming back? Do you think it's going to be able to come back? Well, I know now.

It is, yes. Yes, I do, yeah. No, but it's not. Yes, I have an inkling because I heard something recently about the fact that it's coming back. Fucking hell. Do you think it will ever come back

in the form that we left it in in 2019 Well I don't think Nicholas Parsons Is going to have such a big audience anymore Shots fired There's a lot of Nicholas Parsons fans Listening to this Well yes I mean yeah

It'll come back fine Everything will be fine I think I sort of agree Do you think it's will be fine, I think. Really? Yeah, in time. I sort of agree. Do you think it's going to be alright? Yeah, I think everything will go largely back to exactly how it was before. It's just everything's going to be slightly more expensive for everyone.

Well, that's depressing. Like the fringe using the pandemic to become the same but more expensive. I think what it does, what it, what it, the main effect that coronavirus will have on comedy will be content based rather than practicality based.

I think practicality wise, we'll go back to being sat close to each other in rooms, but I think you can watch. And, um, I'm about to say it's quite heavy. Is that all right? Yeah.

Great. Um, I think the way that, is this from Ratatouille? During lockdown. It's one of my favourite quotes. It's brilliant. Also, that movie is fantastic.

Excellent. Whenever I was hungover and I was... During when Jesse and I were broken up and I had the kids and I didn't want to do any genuine parenting that would nourish them. Well, I mean,

Ratatouille doesn't. I would just stick Ratatouille on and let that do the parenting for me it's a really it's a really good Disney Pixar it's beautiful it's got an old nana

who's blind with a shotgun it's a really entertaining little scene as she wields that gun around at the start my daughter really

likes that film I've never seen Ratatouille and you single handedly with what you've just said have just sold it to me the good parent and the fact that it's very good and it's got one of your favourite quotes that was all like oh yeah i might watch

that it's like there's a blind woman with a shotgun in it i mean there's a mad parisian midget nana who blows her own ceiling to bits right early does it's also a very good um uh look at the kind of limitations of criticism which you might appreciate as a comedian who's been reviewed um what's what's the reviewer called i've forgotten what the reviewer is called oh piss it's peter o'toole but i don't know what he's called it is peter um yeah but we won't ruin his uh spoiler for you um i'm very excited for you to see it what's the heavy thing you were going to say oh yes heavens to betsy um during lockdown the way in which we experience uh tragedy together as a people is usually we

meet up face to face and we talk through the tragic event and via human cues jokes and essentially the knowledge that it's not being recorded and broadcast into the ether for people to misinterpret means that we're able to communicate and dissect tragedy. See the murder of George Floyd or the murder of Severo Arrad more recently. But now, because we're locked down, we can't express any of these or we can't talk through any of these tragedies with each other in the same way that perhaps we would have done at gigs or offices or something so our experience and the way in which we communicate our feelings about these tragedies is much more performative and much more uh narcissistic because it's all through social media now so you're not getting any useful or um uh developmental thoughts on these subjects. And I think that's going to affect the way that we do stand-up because the way that we do stand-up will be more...

People are so... You, to your credit, and whilst you may have said something to upset somebody, creativity comes from risk. And that, I think think will be lost. Cancel culture, and I think is overplayed a lot of the time, but it's the fear of having people call you a cunt that I think stops people from expressing themselves and ideas move forward through trial and error.

And if we're too critical of error, then we'll never move forward. So would you, you mean... Very poignant given what we are not going to talk about. Do you mean in terms of just being able to sit around or go to the pub and have a cuppa? Like with the Second World War, there was obviously,

when people talk about the blitz spirit, they were in the underground together it was a shared experience and so that was almost like that was almost like a form of counseling there was also no social media then so my interpretation what you've just said and correct me if i'm wrong is social media is so black and white and if you don't think this you're on the other side so you're wrong and there's no nuance with it and there's no you feel like that well i felt like this and it you don't think this, you're on the other side, so you're wrong. And there's no nuance with it, and there's no, you feel like that, well, I felt like this, and it's slightly different to the way you felt, but we can read each other's cues and we're all human.

So when we go and do stand-up and I go, ah, I'm playing with the line here, I'm being risky, I'm risking for the aim of creativity, the audience is more attuned to going, well, I don't quite agree with that, but because we're all together, I can sort of wait and see where he's going. But social media is making people a lot more reactive too.

That's not what I think, so that guy's a cunt. Everybody in social media, on social media, sorry, it's the same sense of safety that you have when you're in your car. When you're in your car and somebody cuts you up, you speak to them in a way that you would not speak to them if you saw them face to face. The social media provides you the same outlet for your anger.

So you think the isolation basically enforces extremism almost, like one opinion goes one way, the other opinion goes the other, and there's nothing to sort of drag you back to the middle. If you and I have a debate about fucking something that we feel passionate about, Russia or something, then we'll listen to each other and we'll try and understand each other more because the humanity of the face-to-face experience

will mean that we are involved with each other and respect each other more. If I don't know who the fuck you are, I've got nothing to empathise with and you're a cunt from somewhere else who I don't give a shit about because you don't think like me uh same as when you're uh driving and uh i think the the i hope that it changes because that's not just the direction that we're going yeah but i think it's been exacerbated by social media because the sense

of community that we have when we talk to each other is necessary for these ideas to percolate and develop. But there's an international element to social media, isn't there, that was already happening. Like the internet is bringing people from all around the world together to call each other cunts and disagree with each other. And you'll never get that sense of community or that social interaction and that cleansing almost human part of it so is that not where we're ending anyway it was or it was already a problem it was already a small issue but people

seeing each other enough and had that social interaction enough that it's that it's sort of cleansed people were still cunts in their car and online but we're getting so used to being in our car and online and not having that, it's very easy to change human behavior so that people will forget what it's like to go, I don't agree with that, but it's okay. They'll be more reactive. I think that's-

There's no long lasting effect you think it's going to help us go- Well, I think we'll just have to adapt. And the brain is, you know, it hasn't adapted to social media. It's incredibly, incredibly new. And when the printing press was invented, there was a huge rise in populism in America in the 18th century

with corn laws and something. I can't remember. My history is fuzzy on that. But the same thing is true now. You've got a rise of populism synchronised entirely with the rise in social media and a haughtughty moral uh finger jabbing certitude that is uh wholly unpleasant whether on the left or the right yeah the flag nonces and the council woke yeah knobs on the other side yeah and they all hate us me and you well yes I feel like I've had

like the my left wingness removed from me slightly by what it is now to be left wing because everyone thinks those two sides think everyone is the other thing don't they yeah oh you're the woke crew and if you're not exactly like them and then it's

the same the other way like oh you're basically right wing. I also think before this conversation is, I mean, and I'm, I'm enjoying it. So please tell me to let's talk about our willies in a minute. Um,

we'll have a break before that. Okay. Um, uh, I, there, there's, there are too many people and the,

the human species is, is based on communities of people. That's how we develop. That's how we feel at communities of people that's how we develop that's how we feel at home and that's how we feel at our safest and with too many people we can't be successfully narcissistic anymore so we have to be narcissistic in groups which is why identity politics is such a huge thing now i'm this you're that what do you stand for i'm a vegan it's why i don't like the term vegan because i don't want to, I don't want to be a part of your fucking club, as I say in my standup. I much prefer just being, you leave space for so much more free thinking ability when you don't subscribe to any pre-built ideology. Otherwise, in the words

of Simone Weil, you just become pliable to the party spirit. Yeah, there was a great Sarah Silverman clip that I've seen there was a great Sarah Silverman clip that I've seen this week. So Sarah Silverman does her own podcast now, and it's solo, and she occasionally will have like a caller phone in, pre-recorded that she responds to. And a lot of it is just sort of her,

just sort of like what Bill Bear does and what Tilton Dillon does. It's just her sort of emptying her thoughts on whatever given subject she decides she wants to talk about. Bit of self-development, bit of sort of examination of herself from her past she apologized for some old jokes about Paris Hilton last week as well but the clip I seen the other day was about the fact that she's

a member of the democratic party and she doesn't want to be anymore because and it's and i've sort of tried to touch on stand-up wise we've touched on it a few times on this is it it pisses me off that people that i know what someone will think about one of a hundred subjects based on what they think on the other 99 do you know what i mean like you can sort of pick if you pick a democrat that they almost certainly want abortion to be legal and guns to be controlled and if you pick a republican they almost certainly want abortion to be illegal and guns to be completely left as exactly you're a brexiteer and an anti-mask person yeah and it's because people are going well this is our group so we're all going to think that and there's no sort of nuance to it at all.

There's no... There is, but what happens with all those political parties, the people who end up leading them set the tone for what the party line is. There will be a lot of Democrats who are pro, is it Second Amendment? Yeah. The right to bear arms.

Like, they will want good, like, there is grey area. There always is. But it doesn't look like it ever because the leading lights of a party drag up so the Republicans become this, like, this is what we are, anti-abortion. And it's, life isn't like that.

There's way more nuance. There's way more grey area. Yeah. And there are people that intersect all of those, but their voices aren't heard because, like we said on social media they just become

yeah there's two sides to the argument and that's not that doesn't sell. That's what Sarah Silverman was saying I'm leaving it because I'm fucking sick of

like she even and what she's really great at is going I'm guilty of this as well. She's like if I hear a Republican start talking about something I'm immediately suspicious of it

and I'm exactly suspicious of it. And I'm exactly the same with a Tory, particularly a Conservative MP. If I see them talking about an issue, my instinct is to be, well, I'm going to not like what you're saying. And that shouldn't be how it is, should it? It should be taking each individual at face value, really. It's very hard to do that because you're like, you're one of them and you're not me. And we're all guilty of it.

Yeah, and it's also the problem with the political spectrum and people identifying way too much with, I'm left wing, I'm right wing, and then I'm a conservative, or I vote Labour, when in reality, you can agree with the policies cross-party, can't you? But then you get called a Liberal Democrat and then you've never been in power. It's an unfortunate part of politics, can't you? But then you get called a liberal Democrat and then you've never been in power. It's an unfortunate part of politics, isn't it?

We're just trying to work things out, I think, and live in a world of politics coming into contact with social media and how that manifests itself. Anyway, comedy will come back, but, you know, we'll all have to be good, which is not a problem. Do you think it probably,

then what you're saying is, it's going to look, give it four years, as long as this has been sort of got on top of, and there is no more like worries of lockdowns and the death rate is whatever, and it's basically can be aligned with a normal flu over winter. You're all saying it's going to look exactly the same

in two, three, four years. Yeah, but when I said that before, you sort of put what I said in the context of Edinburgh and meant to correct you. I think everything will go back largely to normal. I have a question, which is on topic. My worry wouldn't be about the future of edinburgh i think the future of edinburgh is very much in keeping with the future of at least in a

in a in a sense of what we're going to want from uh culture and entertainment as a society what i worry about the future of is club comedy and the fact that a lot of the time when producers, TV producers are putting people on the television, they're not acquiring the comedian for the job. They're acquiring the comedian's audience that already exists. It's not necessarily based on talent. It's like my joke. Sorry to quote myself, but it's funny. Please follow me on social media. Please do follow me on social media please do follow me on social media it's alfiebrowncomedian at instagram.com i don't like the world i don't promise you anything

just do it to me as a favor because that's what the world that we live in because producers are going to look at how many followers you've got and go oh if we put him on the program then the producer then uh his followers might watch the program you know the followers are important i don't like the world either but there's no way that malala was getting into oxford without all those followers um how did malala get dragged into that and she doesn't even play the frog yeah she'll be fucking gutted watching this won't she uh another drive-by fucking hell uh hang on she, like, in a drive-by, was she? She survived being shot in the head for wanting to go to school, yeah. Oh, I didn't mean that.

As soon as you said drive-by, I was like... I didn't mean that. I meant, like, just a... Because drive-by is like a... Yeah, you were singing Blue, were you? I genuinely... Drive-by was a murder. You meant the banter drive by

Yeah I had no idea she'd been shot ever In Pakistan All I know about Malala Is that she was a clever little girl Who went to Oxford Yep great save That's all I knew genuinely

I don't look into shit I watch her Instagrams now She's had her lips done um and there's an advert with her and every time I see it I nudge Jessie and go

she's had her lips done it's so funny for some reason I don't know why what was your question? oh yeah so I wonder if comedy clubs go the same way of um booking people based on the uh following that they have rather than uh and the actual skill of stand-up and club comedy in a sense is um it is less valued in the future. How can that happen?

We've talked about it. We've literally talked about it. I've speculated on this both publicly and in green rooms and stuff. I've thought for a while that comedy clubs will end up a bit more skewed to the American model of club comedy, which is this weekend at Hot Wheels, a comedy club is Alfie Brown plus support. Yeah. And it will be, because

as a lot of our regular listeners will already know, club comedy in the UK, as a general rule, there's the odd bit of money that changes, but in general certainly at the glee clubs, every act's on the same money. Everyone's on 200 quid, 230 quid, something like that, and it doesn't matter what spot you do, you're seen

as doing the same job as everyone else and that's what you get paid. It's sort of seen as a fair way to do it occasionally there'll be a club where the middle spot gets a bit less because they're a less experienced act and maybe sometimes the headliner gets a little bit more or the comp here does because they're there all night but in general the idea for club comics in the uk is that everyone gets a similar fee I think it will end up a bit more, Alfie Brown plus support, where a headliner is on 500 quid and the supporter on 120 instead of everyone being on 200. This is why I disagree,

because most clubs already have supports on 120, 140 and a compare. Do they? I mean, the standard. So say the Frog. Say we use the Frog in Manchester as an example like the headliner will get 500

you shouldn't use of any that's more culturally important I thought you were having a dig and actually you know you're on their side

if you put the headliner's fee up to 500 what are you dropping it's 160 to middle 160 to support 200 to compare what's getting dropped

I think the compare will go down to 150 and I think the two supports will be 100 quid. So you're going to pay the headliner 450 and that act in theory can bring tickets in. Yeah. So why would they not want to just do their tour show? Because like if they toured a venue of the frog size,

then they might not fill it. I think they might make less than 400 quid from a tour show. But who are we talking about? More regularly than they can tour. And they can try out new stuff. They should be at a level whereby they can... I can't see this as an industry thing because in

britain everyone can drive to every gig there are loads of comics and you can within the day drive for 60 quid of diesel to most gigs around the country in the states not only is it a cultural thing of like you know this is how their clubs do we have guys who sell so like theo von or like santino at that level of like not superstar but getting up there we'll have the weekend in tampa and they'll play thursday friday saturday they'll be flown in they'll get five grand and the support acts are local how does that work in this country i don't think it's all localized and i and the frog i've been there when sorry i've been there where someone from tv who's got a bit of a following because of tv is headlining over acts that are better at playing

the frog and as you all know it's a fucking arse over tit night yeah it doesn't it the the clubs hate that they want the headliner to be the best act yeah a hundred percent but i don't i'm not saying this is going to happen early next year i just think it's heading that way and it'll be down to the sales there's so many comedians now so many and so many of them are on social media and so many of them are mass and social media followings and if if clubs don't go that, then what they're going to have is there's going to be someone who's this month's TikTok flavour of the month. I actually don't think TikTok's going to translate into Ticketales much,

but people who do a lot of Instagram videos or Facebook or whatever, like Mo Gilligan did and like Paul Smith did, they're the first two that have really gone on to sell massive theatres and Paul Smith's done a fucking arena in Liverpool. In five, ten years' time, there's going to be 200 of them. Do you know what I mean? There just can't.

It can't be 200 Paul Smiths. I don't think there can be, but I also think what I meant when I, like, rather than that model, which seems to be a little bit too much of a, it seems that in all different countries, Sydney Comedy School has a completely different system, America, they've got a different system, we've got a a different system here and it all seems a little bit too complex to change the way that we work because each place

has got a system based on uh you know geography and the way in which they work best which is fine but i think what i meant more was that rather than say you've got, you know, three acts and a compare on at insert comedy club name, rather than them all being people who have spent the last 10, 15, 20 years honing club skills, learning how to deal with this weekend crowd. You've got people on panel shows on TV now that can't play these gigs, that don't get booked by these comedy clubs. So are comedy clubs going to start booking people because they've done Mock the Week, despite the fact that they might not be as bankable as somebody who isn't on these panel shows, but can play The Room?

Only if they sell tickets. But have been on Mock the Week, that's the way everything's heading. Kaz been on Mock the Week. Yeah. I suppose these places, and I'm- But if you've been on Mock the Week, you's the way everything's heading kaz been on mock the week yeah i suppose these places and i'm but if you've been on mock the week you don't necessarily sell tickets no there's people who've done mock the week a handful of times you've got less twitter followers than carl um i think if you can sell tickets like you want to do your own shows but

i mean adam's right it makes sense yeah but then it also makes sense that it just doesn't happen do you know like the theories i was? I was exaggerating about the 200 but let's say there's even 50 or 80 or whatever, a lot of comedians who've amassed a following and when I'm putting comedians, I'm not saying people who necessarily stand up, what I mean is people who've amassed

a following from making silly videos if comedy clubs are trying to compete with one or two of them being down the road selling 100 tickets at the small theater like what's the one in manchester but club but comedy clubs just sell there to the mailing list there's only a finite amount of people who are going out to see comedy and if they're elsewhere going to see these people who've amassed things comedy companies will slowly go where the fuck are our audience going how do we get them back in

well that guy who was down at the corner house theatre last week doing his show maybe in three months time we need to get him back and instead of doing him there

we'll just give him 400 quid to close problem is it will not say so say one of the amazing hone circuit comics who doesn't have

a social media following yeah who like we could be cunty and pick the name now one of the amazing hone circuit comics who doesn't have a social media following who, who like you, we could, we could be country and pick the name now and say, we massively respect them, but they don't sell tickets.

And then say, say Josh Jones, who we had on this couch in a year and a half starts getting a bit of TV. Like, you know, like Tom Allen has done. And then all of a sudden the frog are like, we want Josh to close. But actually we've got Andy Askins

in the middle because he's willing to work for 120 yeah it's a fucking weird night isn't it it is

it becomes weird but you're judging it on the fact that the audience of the Frog at the minute are people who don't know anyone on the bill

if you put that bill that way around now Josh is great and I love Josh I love Josh but it's an unnatural you wouldn't necessarily want him to close after Andy Askins has been in the middle because it's just an experience thing but that's because you're thinking of the frog

as being full of the people who are currently at the frog they're not just going to disappear though no but if you're booking Josh Jones to close under the reasons I'm saying it's because you think half the room

are going to be there for Josh and if you have half the room there for Josh then that balance is then the right way round but then you've got

half of the room that are just there because it's the Frog and it's been there 25 years and it's Gemma's birthday and half of them will still think

Josh is good and laughter's infectious and the other half of the room being there for the if I was Josh I'd still want to play half the Frog half of the room being there for the... If I was Josh, I'd still want to play half the frog on my own

and see if I could build it from there and take the bigger fee. What do you mean? If you sell 100 tickets at the frog... Yeah. You know, at 14 quid a head, you're going to make more than 400 quid, 500 quid, aren't you?

No. Well... You know? If you sell 100 tickets at the frog at 14 quid, that's 1,400 quid, 500 quid, aren't you? No. Well. You know. If you sell 100 tickets at the Frog of 14 quid, that's 1,400 quid. By the time you've paid promotion, by the time you've paid for your agent's fee, by the time you've paid for flyers, posters,

the Frog's taken their cut and paid for the support act, you're not making more than I'm speculating that the Frog would pay you. Really? You're not. Out of 1,400 quid the frog would pay you. Really? You're not. Out of 1,400 quid. I think if you were doing it as part of... You get roughly a third.

Because, no, no, no, the cost of the flies and the person and the da-da-da-da-da wouldn't factor in. You'd be doing it across a tour. So you would probably make more if you've got a good deal and your tour person wasn't policing you. I'm not just...

Adam's, like, there's... I get it. You get roughly a third of the gross as the act when you tour right so

1400 quid roughly a third of that is about about 470 480 quid yeah but then Josh is taking

all the risk of putting that tour show on but then there's a risk if you're getting booked for selling those tickets at Headline

Act on a Saturday night if it's roughly the same money I'd rather do a one man show I wouldn't you wouldn't? like if

to have a room that all love you rather than a room that aren't that bothered they just came because it's Gemma's birthday I think if you're doing a club

you're doing that like two or three times a year so that's and you're doing a tour show I just I see the reasoning i just can't see how this is going to play out i might be dead wrong and like i say i don't think this will be next year or the year after i'm saying fucking better not be i need some gigs mate five six

seven eight years down the line i think that's where it's going he's organizing some gigs if you want one i i'm on okay good i on. I'm taking a third of the gross. And you're already sort of seeing it. There's still, there's, it's already happening. The odd gig pops up where people are like, the feeder closes 200 bit more

if you can put bums on seats. That's already happening. I could see it happening on Thursdays and Fridays. I think comedy clubs might be like, we can do Saturdays, but I know what you mean. That's not our way.

And may we and may we may we honestly be still doing this glorious podcast HMS Absolute Bullshit in eight years when you're like see

you're fucking I'd love it if we were still here in eight years will you have me on for episode 222 oh 100% I would like you on

every second month mate because you are vintage that is a hell of a first half. Because he's quality and I love him. Let's have a break. We'll have some money cunts tell us.

Stop calling them money cunts. I like the money. You can't call them money cunts. Seriously. That's so funny. Why? It's funny. They don't watch it.

All they care about is us spouting their shite oh I thought you were talking about your patreons no we're sponsors okay who are you sponsored by can I do an advert read oh 100% we're sponsored by Manscaped Final Runner

Supreme CBD Beer 52 Beer 52 bettinggods.com bettinggods.com. Oh, bettinggods.com. Football Index. Nope. Nope. Okay, shut up. Is that it?

Is that everyone? Oh, and farmlove.com. Farmlove.com, yeah. They've just got on board. So that's going to be interesting. Let's have a break. Money Cunts. Do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world? Well, I do, but I'm sick of getting beat by the bookies. Money guns. ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now,

and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets. You want to be winning your bets. bettinggods.com. They're going to help you do that.

And we're back. Guess who's back? It's time to have a word With Adam and Dan Do you start each section With a song A little sing song No You can't hear it right now

But the theme tune is playing I wrote Because I'm a songwriter As well as a comedian And podcaster Is that the big alto sax? Welcome to the Have a word podcast

With his dick Welcome to the Haveover Words Podcast with his dick. Welcome to the Hover Words Podcast from the... Yeah, yeah. Or he's got a very big urethrametus. Is that right?

Do you know what that is? Is that like pussification of the bum hole? Sort of. Not far off. It's the medical term for the hole of your penis. Which you would know as?

Your roo-hole? Roo-hole? A roo-hole? Talk to me hole talk to me rue holes drag race um yeah my rue hole um yeah that's what i refer that's what i call my because there was i i used to call it uh yeah something xenophobic or racist actually yeah all right all right fucking vegan so did they half an hour ago yeah so did we about quarter past three this afternoon oh did you refer it to something as your as yeah i think you mustn't yeah but what we've worked out is that adams is so yeah oh we were very careful this is a public episode we made sure that it was soaked in irony yeah adams is so massive it's

actually called the is it the yawning Caucasian? Surprise Caucasian, aye. I prefer the yawning Caucasian. Does his mouth? Yes. Your eyes close when you yawn. Oh, yes! The shocked cyclops.

Adam yawns really well. Right, okay. We've had a few have a words come in, very serious, and we've had some fun here today, we've had some serious, but this is people's lives,

so act accordingly, don't draw a cock, thank you, hi lids, will you have a word with my boyfriend, or me, basically, he's been on furlough since November,

and in the past couple of months, he started chilling, with a bunch of car nonces, who sit in Mackie's car parks and all drive shitty cars. He doesn't even drive. He's like 10 years older than me. He's chilling with girls as young as even

16. He says it's because he's bored in lockdown and friends his own age are busy with children, etc. I take the piss out of his mates and say it's weird that he does a lot of chilling here, mate. That he chills with girls. Some of them are slags, by the way, younger than me at his advanced age.

Am I wrong to do this? Should I just let him chill with whoever he wants? Or am I right that it's weird? I swear to God, she's put chilling with people like this and that he needs to grow up. I didn't want to mention her name. She didn't say that she wanted to be anonymous. But probably best to. I needs to grow up i didn't want to mention her name she didn't say that she wanted to be anonymous but probably best to want to make up a name daniella rivington

as i said her age um yeah yeah it's tricky in it because she could be 40 and he could be 50 and then it really is then it really it's weird that she speaks like that yeah there's absolutely no way well she's at least 20 isn't she for them to be 30 you've gone you know what I mean like she's not 15 is she

no all it says though is that he's 10 years older than her exactly so that in my head that's should we guess that she's like 18, 19 I want to say she's near 20 because

if you're 10 years older he's nearly 30 she is 15 and she's 25 you can't be doing this can he yes adam go for it lay down them rules go on because there's absolutely no way that he's just going to sit in cars with 16 year old girls he's trying to get his pipe smoked yeah in a voxel nova yeah his exhaust yeah skoda fabia with a spoiler and do you remember the rust Zapp here from 2007?

I know we're not, you know, millionaires, but if we do well, like seven or eight years from now, when I'm completely wrong about the circuit and we're rolling in it, I would love to waste some money on souping up a piece of shit. I would enjoy that. Yeah, to get a Lada and and um you know take it to the jaguar factory and get them to put a proper engine in it i don't can i just say i'm not sure the

jaguar factory are being like custom builds do you not think you'd have to take it to like a custom no there are they they did it they did a larder at the jaguar factory on an episode of top gear that i once yeah i'll be stop being stupid with this fantasy about being millionaires. I genuinely didn't think like a factory like Jaguar would be like. Well, I think they did it for that episode of a TV programme. Right, right.

If you're rich enough and you can do anything. Yeah. Just buy Jaguar. That's the ultimate truth. Right, so I give you a hundred grand to soup, what would you do?

I would much prefer to do that. I would not get, I felt very sorry for all the people on Pimp My Ride who like Westwood or Exhibit. Exhibit yeah uh would uh speak to and then like put like a bowling alley in the back of their fiesta and then and they go oh my god

everybody would have to be shocked but like literally fold themselves in half with joy going oh my oh my they would all it was really over the top and then like they must i wanted to see the bit where they call up their insurance company and go listen exhibits just put a bowling alley in the back of my fiesta any modifications i loved how tenuous the links were like oh, oh, he's a nurse. Let's put, like, an operating theatre. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was so tenuous, the links. Because he hasn't gotten to go. He's a Republican.

Let's put an abortion clinic in. Oh, that was too far. That was not too far. That was classic satire. Should have said gun range. Or combine the two. Okay. Yes.

That's too far. That one. There you go. That one. I think that's good humour. Anyway. But write in. Let us know. It's very well written. Yes. That's too far. That one. There you go. That one. I think that's good humour. Anyway, but right in, let us know.

Really well written. Yeah. It's very rare you get a well written shooting a baby in the head joke and that's what you did, isn't it? That's what you did.

Thanks. Well done. It's worse that you don't align things. Your support makes me feel more guilty. They never did the engines up of the cars.

No. They only did the aesthetic of the car. They did the interior, the seat in, but they never actually fixed the car. How funny would it be, though? No. Yeah, yeah.

If at the end of the episode, they'd just done the engine, and they just took his blindfold off, and he'd just seen... This is the same piece of shit. Now, that's... Take it for a drive. So once you've souped up your nissan micro and you're

like yeah it's fun wouldn't it also be good to get a piece of shit like fiat cinquecento 2002 and then make it look identical but give it like a va engine so everything looks crap and it's got rust around the things but actually you've supercharged it and you lift up the bonnet and you're like, what the fuck? And there's like a fucking takeaway in the back, like a Chinese takeaway.

No, the opposite. You don't touch the car apart from the engine. So people are like, who's this dickhead in a yellow Cinque Trento? And then you're like,

0 to 60 in like 2.8. It feels like the answer to this problem has become a lot more for the boyfriend than it has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what I'm reading... Just get him souped up, get a couple of 16-year-olds. What I'm reading from this is, he needs a car. The McRib's back.

This guy's having a great time. Hang on, these 16-year-olds are slags. Quality. I've laughed the fart out, by the way. Oh, Ed, Where's the spray? Let's give him an asthma attack. He deserves it. Like a naughty dog

with a water bottle spray. You dirty little scouter. Right. Don't have an asthma attack. Um, I do not like the fucking bellends

that hang around McDonald's car parks all parking up and shouting shit into each other's windows. Yeah. I just, maybe it's because

I was never a part of it, but I... Have you ever never seen shouting each other's windows? No, the Mackey's car park souped up,

the souped up car crew in Mackey's, Mackey's car park. I don't know it to be a McDonald's... Do you live in a really bad film? I don't know it to be a McDonald's specific a really bad film I don't know it to be a McDonald's specific

phenomenon but they they meet with their cars in I can understand it more it's a lot of McDonald's car parks in these COVID times

yeah when you're not these unprecedented COVID times sometimes have it worse as well like

Wrexham apparently is absolutely crawling with boy racers sometimes have it worse as well. Like, Wrexham, apparently, is absolutely crawling with boy racers. There's nothing to do there. Souped up fucking, like, big,

is it big bore sports exhaust or big boy sports exhaust? Yeah. And then dump valves, like, yeah, yeah, those should all be illegal.

And they're always, none of those guys is like 25 and randomly spent 48 grand on his car and he still lives with his mom none of them are dating like a 32 year old who's like like a like a well-paid nurse it's always like some i do want rough looking 16 year old girl you're like are you being a weird like car park child trafficked what's her name diana picklington or something yes that's it um good memory i uh i don't think

it is that um i i do want to say that you must not tolerate this boyfriend and you you must uh uh yeah this isn't a conversation this one is it this isn't no no no she you need to leave him today also i actually think you need to take a bit of a look at yourself for putting up with this for so long. You're not entirely blameless here. The fact that you've had to ask for outside help to know whether your obviously loser boyfriend is a loser or not. Loser slash creepy nearly nonce.

A feverphile is the word. It would be better if he had a car He's the 29 year old that has to get a lift there At least 29 I'm learning a new word R. Kelly is an a fibophile Or a fibophile It's two different pronunciations

But it's the sexual attraction to teenagers Oh wow R. Kelly is Underage teenagers or like, you know, the ones that are definitely legal online. I think it's just

young looking teenagers. Oh, right. Great area though, isn't it? I don't know if it's... I don't know what it is. Because R. Kelly... R. Kelly would have sex with underage girls

and then make them drink his piss and call him daddy. We've all been there though. But what we're not like... Does he do not like does he do into grips with is how difficult it would be to drink piss and i don't know if you've tried that but oh no is it very difficult it's very difficult is that worth it for the podcast do you know what i think about that, right? That's not the first time this month

that's been spit on my couch. It's like Alfie has tuned into this podcast spiritually without actually seeing any of the things we've done. That literally happened. Yeah. So, what, somebody was taking the piss out of somebody trying to drink somebody's piss and say daddy at the same time.

Yeah, that's us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happens. Weird, it's just deja vu. It was Josh Jonesones but we'd stop recording do you know how fucked up you've got to be sexual fantasy wise to be fucking an underage girl and then watching her drink your piss and still being like this hasn't quite done it for me i need to think you're my daughter as well.

I don't know how he's still got a career. What do you mean? I think I believe I can fly. They're killing it, man. They're killing it. I love it. R. Kelly would be a great guest. Just in terms of numbers.

We're doing the non-saunter episodes. This is from the first half. We're not just having an aneurysm R. Kelly is a guest no no no no

all the other paedophiles fine yeah this one yeah he can sing he's got some bangers hasn't he yeah in Gotham City

whoo he can come on if he'll sing us out that's me stipulation cool world's greatest yeah you need to leave your boyfriend oh yeah

and i'm that little bit of hope when my back's against the road that uh used to get sung in assembly every week in my little school shut my little school but so proud of my little school How many did it see? 500 So proud of my little skull It's tiny It's tiny Yeah Someone sung it

Have you been off steady yet? No we would sing it Like You know like As a hymn Like Because it's a Catholic school So we would do hymns in assembly

did you have the instrument lawn? did you all just acapella? what did you gargle? like I think it was acapella I think the whole the whole school so it's year 4, 5 and 6

3, 4, 5 and 6 isn't it? yeah we'd all just be there just going, I'm that little bit of hope when my back's against the wall. And then the teacher would like, you know like when a singer sings the next line so that the whole crowd know it. Do you know like, or like says it. Like Robbie Williams will be like uh a certain way cause salvation and then they'll go cause salvation and you go let my wing go and fall

no let my the teacher be doing that so we'd all be going um a little bit of hope and the teacher be like when my back's against the ropes and we'd all sing it did you do Ignition next? Oh, I was trying to think How can I top this with a funny one? And that's why Carl's great Sipping on Coke and rum It's the freaking weekend, baby I'm about to have you, bro I can imagine the whole of his little school

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce This all popping in the fresh navigator we have. Honeys to the left just like the party was catered. I have fellas on my left. Fellas on my right. Honeys on my right. Put them all together, we can have a good time. And after the show is the after party.

And after the party, the hotel lobby. Round about four, you'm going to lobby. Round about four, you got to clear the lobby. Then I take you to a room and call me daddy. Call me daddy. Anyway, break up with him, you silly shit. A lot of the girls who email in already know the answer to that. The have a word female contingent, it's always like, guys, maybe I need you to have a word female like contingent is always like guys maybe I need you to have a word

with me and they always are. It's like this guy was like we were sleeping together for six months and he said he didn't want a relationship and now he won't answer texts and he's like seeing someone else. Should I just let it go? You're like yes. As soon as you press send you should have known the answer and we'd love you but please

make the right choice. This is not who you're settling down with. I feel like this girl is far too far gone, because she started by saying, have a word with either him or me. So in her head, this wasn't a slam dunk. This is the biggest tapping of all time. Your 30-year-old boyfriend is fingering 16-year-olds in a Mach-E's car park. It's not okay.

And you don't have to put up with it. That's a reach line. And I mean, even if he's just hanging out, it's still sort of weird and desperate. But I mean, maybe it's institutionalised misogyny and she thinks she's not worth it. Of course, because he's coming home and she's going, where have you been?

What are you doing? And he's like, oh, you're fucking mental. You're controlling. You're trying to tell me where I can and can't go. So she's like, oh, maybe I am. You're not, you're not, mate. You're not. He's not great.

At least get a car. At least get a car. I mean, that's at the very least. Yeah. I would say that that's actually not enough at this stage. You've also got to stop driving it to McDonald's to hang around. Promise me we can soup up cars wait of course we can but if you're gonna finger a 16 year old at least make sure you can drop it

off home afterwards do you know what i mean that's just basic human decency there you go we're not cutting that out that one that one needs to breathe lids i think you might have to have a word with me. I told my mates that I shaved my chest at my treasure trail one day in college. For a laugh, they bought me Vite hair removal cream for my birthday. First few times I used it on my chest and trail.

What's this trail bit? But then I got... It goes down from your belly button to your cock. Okay, is that the Latin for it? Okay. First few times I used it on my chest and trail to his cock. But then I got curious.

Could I use it for my balls? I made sure no one was home the day I tried. And let me tell you, fellas, it slid, oh God, he wrote, let me tell you, fellas, it slid it off like butter. I was smooth as a baby. Since then, I've used it on my pubes and I've experimented it on my arsehole. I'm quite a hairy man from

the waist down and I'm not going to lie, when I'm working out or using my exercise bike, my arse gets quite sweaty and the odd times there's a patch of sweat where I sit. Since using it down my crack, I've had no patches on chairs. chairs i'm wondering is it wrong to use it for my pubes and arse should i keep using it or should i just buy an electric razor cough lawnmower 3000 cough manscape.com cough use word for 20 off it's actually literally written out it's almost like someone from manscaped has sent in a half a word to just get some extra advertising so uh this is uh this lad is from he's called alex i'm saying his name so shiny alex from shiny town is saying he's using v on his pubes his balls and his arse what we're saying is it weird or is it just good arse management i think it's good

arse management i want to pull you on something you said on, I don't know whether it was Patreon or... You didn't listen. I did listen. I did. What did I say? On the last episode or the last Patreon, I can't remember which one, you mentioned the fact that you can't wax your balls.

You're like, because it's looser skin. Remember? This is not from experience. Yeah. But from from I've had my backs whacked isn't there a thing called a back sack and crack

so isn't that your sack getting waxed yeah yeah you might be right but I just for me but you don't want it

if you've got quite a you know your ball sack can be quite viscous can't it it can be like it can viscous no do you know what I mean

like it there's a lot of give in your testicles yeah there's a lot of loose skin so if you've got really strong wax and a strip and Big Barbara from the waxing place and she pulls, I'd worry that it went with.

I would be worried. Yeah, exactly. I am exactly with you. I'd be worried that my ball set was going to come off. Again, when we get the breast pump, I will get some waxing strips on and we will have an unusual patron exclusive where I milk you and wax you. We're not getting the breast pump, I will get some waxing strips on and we will have an unusual patron exclusive where I milk you and wax you.

We're not getting the breast pump. It's already ordered. Can I say to you? Is it really? No, we'll order it. Finn. Finn? Finn's wired in.

Fuck Finn. Over to you. I would say to Alex that it's, no, it's not weird at all. Using V on your, wherever you want is fine. However, writing into a podcast to ask for approval about it is extremely weird okay listen you're attacking the institution here uh if you do this i am the harry and megan uh i'm not ready to laugh about that okay sorry um you you can't you can't call them out for emailing in that's the you've got to encourage the email

and then take the piss i mean thank you for emailing in you shiny smooth weirdo then fine more power to you mate you know you've got it's it's it's it's it's good and conscientious um procedure in the uh engaging in oral sex with people. It's always just a little bit nicer if you've got a nice smooth knob, I imagine. You're quite a hairy man. What's the... Well, compared to me.

I think what he means is you've got a beard and long hair. Yeah, plenty of hairy... For more... Cock. Cock. Do you shave your cock? It's trimmed.

I shave my cock. I bick me cock. B shave your cock uh it's trimmed i shave my cock i bake me cock bick your cock i don't understand where the head on your cock is honestly like it's not like that no i don't it's not like a kiwi no i do it's just you get the odd like thing halfway up your dick oh on your actual shaft you get hair the odd one not the bell you don't if you've got a hairy bell no but it's gone wrong yeah that's actually that's a jellyfish not a cock um yeah no i don't have a i don't know i'm no i'm i'm um oh i've got some stragglers on the shaft but what about your your pubic thatch does that is that there pubic thatch what's that the top it's your pubic hair have you ever been to the cotswolds and seen the roofs so I used me

manscaped lawnmower 3.0 for that yeah how much did it cost you fuck all okay and it will cost you 20% off RRP

if you use the promo code word at checkout manscaped doc I think I just fair enough

if it works for you but to be completely baby bald everywhere I just I think, just fair enough if it works for you, but to be completely baby-balled everywhere. I think girls don't want a pube in the mouth. I just don't think they want to see toddler crotch. Like a chicken. Again, I think it's open to, like, some people might want that and some people might not. And I wouldn't want to veet my, not only because of the chemical element,

I wouldn't want to veet my not only because of the chemical element that I you've got very your skin around that area is a

is very much a partially permeable membrane that can let in lots of disease and indeed chemicals that's why it's quite good to brush the bellend with cocaine

if you want to get high I've never done cocaine but that is a way that some people do it sure talk yeah because the

bellend lets in. Yeah. That's a hell of a way to be getting caught doing coke in the toilet. That's why if you don't want to drink it's bad etiquette to stick your dick in the bag as well.

You just stick your dick in the wheatgrass shot and then you imbibe the minerals that way. What brush do you use? Like an oral beam? No, I made that up. But the first bit was true. The first bit was true.

Fill up the bum coke on the dick no friends alright well Vita way Alex Vita way Alex yeah what I do down there

is have we not just done this literally two episodes ago with the waxing thing and he told us everything I go down to there Alfie's ass though he wasn't here

I go down to there just above the dick where he manscaped and then everything below that I take a Gillette Mac 3 through is the manscaped

they're gonna milk real nice is the manscaped do you do it at like zero what grade is your zero so it just leaves

like a very bristly what about a nicks like stubble sounds itchy as fuck oh that doesn't sound comfortable at all.

Also, you wouldn't want that. It'd be like, I once was courting a girl who didn't get rid of it. Caught in a girl? Courting a girl. But I can understand the trouble you had. I was once courting a girl, dating, and she had stubble, like she'd cut it to a length that it was stubble. And I felt like I was getting my cut it to a length that it was stubble and i felt like i

was yeah my dad every time i was yeah yeah it's either it's either smooth or let a bit of hair yeah you don't want the like five o'clock shadow on a pum pum oh that's gonna be some no i mean you've not got a vagina that we're talking about i mean it's still i know i would still be worried about that. Were I to... Suck a dick. Suck your cock, my biggest problem would be... Would it? The stubbly.

That would be the biggest problem. If he'd scrubbed it first, I'd have no truck. And as we discussed in the first half, I dove me dick. Dove it? With dove. Soap. Yeah, but not a bar. Were you thinking bar right then?

Were you thinking bar of soap? Mentally? Well, the verb to dove, like, not a bar. Were you thinking bar right then? Were you thinking bar of soap? Mentally? Well, the verb to dove, like, it implies a bar. Thank you. I use a dove, like, shower gel cream thing. One of my favourite guests for a long time. Alfie, do you wash your legs in the shower? No, I'm white.

Told you it was a race thing. Told you before. Is it? Yeah. Asians and black people wash them. Oh, I didn't know. Members of the BIPOC community, Adam thing. Told you before. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Asians and black people wash them. Oh, I didn't know. Members of the BIPOC community, Adam Means. He does apologise.

Members of the what community? BIPOC. What's that? I actually don't know what it stands for. It's just one of the new... Is that replaced BAMES? Sorry? Yes.

BAMES offensive now, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, is it? Black and minority. And what else is offensive? This podcast a lot of the time. Okay. The yawning Caucasian.

Have we got any more? One more. Do we still play those games where you have to be like a bus driver from Inverness? Oh, do you want to? Do you want to do that again? I was asking if you had. We haven't done that for so long we can but let's just make it accent and person because i think it got a bit random when like adam started adding

way too many layers like and they've just lost the mother no that was so great it was like it was a huge like that's what made it better every single one of you people and other people sat there going i cannot do this well alfie Well, Alfie's an actor as well. Alfie can do it. Call me an actor. You are a comic and an actor, not a comic actor. Good save. You're an actor.

I'm doing gigs, aren't you? Okay. So let's go with Paraguayan window cleaner who is trapped in a well because he's trying to save a stranger's dog. Oh, okay. Oh, um... I am... Oh, help me, I am in a well.

There was a poochie down here, a tiny little poochie, so, so vulnerable, and I wanted to... He was dirty and a Poochie. And a dog is a companion of man in the purest form evolved to be together. And I was just lonely for pal. Pal is where I spent some time. He's actually doing the well.

Fucking genius. I didn't incorporate window cleaner. I apologise. No, but... No, but I knew he was a window cleaner from what you said. He sounded like salt of the earth, didn't he? Yeah.

He sounded working class. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. Sorry, were you going to do I Have a Word? I didn't mean to. I just was asking if that was still a thing. One more mean, yeah. Oh my God. Um, sorry, were you going to do, I have a word. I didn't mean to, I just was asking if that was still a thing. One more.

Go on. Hi lids. I need you to have a word with me, me and my wife of two years, 10 years to get me and my wife of two years. We've been together 10 years of two kids and we have lost our libido. I'm tired most nights. And so is she.

I've forgotten how to initiate it nowadays. Can you recommend how to get the spark back? Cheers. And we're going to go to Alfred on this one. Thanks, Daniel. I'd recommend investing in perhaps some Viagra, which I found taken recreationally can be a real uh laugh um i used it uh mainly when i was a single man uh because i did feel uh like it uh lent uh or it was very helpful i don't know if

any either of you have had uh casual sex a lot whilst sober but it's um a harrowing and a vile thing to do in my opinion and uh it's much better being steaming drunk but being steaming drunk can often lead to a flaccidity in the uh cock department there's a fine balance there's like a levels to get your confidence and also exactly you're too mortal but also too sober and you're all too in your own head about it but um if you are uh soused then you can be up for even the most um uh you know engaging and uh exotic of times with a perfect stranger i to a limit can you can you you'd have to both take it though wouldn't you because if he if uh if your man takes it yeah he's like i need to initiate it he takes it no that a woman who sent that in no that's a guy oh right

waits till he's got a hard on and then walks in stonker and she's like I just don't want to and what's he going to do oh I suppose yes

we have lost our libido yeah it's a team effort to get it right yeah I don't know what to do about I just I mean having a bit of fun with Viagra

I mean also it doesn't just your cock doesn't just neither of you done it no I have yeah also, it doesn't just... Your cock doesn't just... Neither of you have done it? No. Your cock just doesn't shoot up. I have. It didn't just shoot you up,

but it felt like it never shot down. It was a long time going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A key. Had enough now. Go away. Really? So I didn't really know what it did.

I knew it just... Your cock got out for ages. So when you've had it do you come and then it stays up and you can then just come again it's just like everything to an extreme so you can come and then it's sort of uh will shut down to uh sort of a semi-type capabilities and then within quite a brief period of time it's back up and in full working order and ready to go again. That's Adam's dick anyway. You really have to...

But you do need to be very, very able in the cardiovascular department to achieve your second, third, fourth orgasms. So if you're a big lad, you're out of shape and you're absolutely fucking steaming don't double drop viagra and expect to be like three bags double drop it just don't double drop the second dick grow unless you are like unless you're you are granddad uh don't just don't double drop it i always sometimes with the old, when the romance is gone,

you need to get out of your environment that people don't do. If you've got two kids and your home life and you've been bitching about the recycling and the washing up and you've been like, just moaning at each other like,

well, you should have get the bins out quicker. Like, just book a room away and go for dinner and have some drinks and get the kids take and just go to a hotel.

And if it doesn't happen there, that's when you need a combo. I honestly think when people are like, oh, we're not really having sex at home, you're like, home's not the sexiest place when you're running a family. I mean, I was having sex with my partner recently and all I could hear from the other room was, Max and Ruby, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Ruby and Max, Max and Ruby. from the other room was max and ruby ruby and max max and ruby trying to run it really hard to come

with max and ruby blaring in the other room but now one thing that increases the libido i found or at least it was increased my libido is the fact that jesse's uh you know breastfeeding and has recently been pregnant her body's changed entirely and it's like if you'd look at her like from the neck down it's like fucking somebody else it's fantastic my wife is so pregnant i don't know if i'm allowed to laugh at that why um very good uh pregnancy sex is a is a real treat um do you like that yeah? Yeah Last week's guest Simon Wozniak I know For a fact

That he is Very attracted to pregnant women I think it's pretty sexy I think the reality is That it's a bit There's other things going on Discomfort Annoyance

Like in the porn The prego porn Like I can say Oh my god She's pregnant And she's really In reality I can't just

It's a very weird combination to have a wife in the third trimester who is horny and angry at you for doing this to her. It was just a lot of reality. I just, this didn't happen this time. We've sort of not gone there. But when Laura was pregnant with Etta, there was one time when she was like,

we're having sex now. And I was like, okay. sex now and i was like okay yeah she just seemed irritated the whole time and was pregnant and beautiful but frightening was she having sex because she had the physiological kind of hormonal need yes okay it wasn't just like we need to have sex because no they do in relationships she felt it great. But then it was just frustrated because it's that third trimester, the end of the road is, it's uncomfortable, isn't it?

Just get a hotel room, go for some drinks, not loads. Maybe you don't need Viagra. Watch a bit of porn together? Yeah, get the,

not the hotel porn, though. No, no, no, no. Get up, you know, watch something nice that women like too, like Belisa House. Or Gangbang.

Yeah, what kind of porn should they watch at them? What would you recommend? For a couple. Not farm love. For a couple. To get them going again. Depends what they're into,

innit? Well, yeah. Well, right now, they're not into anything by the sounds of it. Yeah, you need to awaken a libido. What would you,

what would be your entry-level libido awakener? So it can't be too extreme because you're not trying to it's an entry level um entry level but enlivening um why are we all looking at them for a porn genre this is the weirdest moment like i just like you know entry level assumes that they don't watch it a lot anyway and if they've lost the libido I imagine he is watching porn because he still wants to spaff so he's still he's behind her back

welcome to Adam's dictionary of scouts alright then you need to kick it up a nickel I reckon they go like you know there's a girl I've been with who was into porn and she really loved big black dicks

coming in a blonde woman's vagina. That's all she wanted to watch. Like genuinely. Take us home Adam. Genuinely. That's a direct quote by the way. Almost.

She was like I want to watch porn together. And I went, what do you like to watch? And she said, literally, big black dicks coming inside a blonde woman. And you didn't marry her? Damn, homie! You let a good one go! Yeah. I don't think that's the entry level that this guy's gonna have work for him lad

Adam Rowe has said no no don't bring Alice you never know like maybe you know whatever she's into because I imagine let's say she watches porn as well just for the sake of it um find out what she's into and then just go like one level up from that to turn on so if you know what i mean i the whole watching porn it's just like with a partner

that's a that's a private time that's a private time i've never done it but i've i've heard it works for some for some first time i did the girl just cried i don't think she's never watched That's a private time. That's a private time. I've never done it, but I've heard it works. For some. For some. First time I did it, the girl just cried. I don't think she'd ever watched porn before.

So when I was young, she was like, I'd like to. And we put some on and she was like, it just doesn't seem nice for her. I was like, I don't think this was for you.

Yeah. And it was the wrong sort of... It was gentle. Did she know her? It wasn't. Yeah. Oh my God. Claire from school.

What's she doing in LA? Just fucking run. So I think that is a natural end point for what has been an absolute rollercoaster of a podcast. I'd like to thank our colleague and friend, Alfie Brown. Thank you, man. Eddie Brimson, who was on just a few episodes ago and was an absolute fan favourite,

has brought out the book that we were talking about, which is about football violence and some of the hooligan stuff that he was involved in when he was young. It's called Naughty Boy. So go and get Eddie Brimson's book, Naughty Boy. It's at Eddie Brimson on Twitter. I also did Mixtapes with Mike,

a podcast with a comedian down in the Midlands where he plays 10 songs that I pick and we talk through them. So check out Mixtapes with Mike. It was really fun to do. And our big fat quiz, what's it called? What did you call it? Sensei Carl's stupid fucking quiz?

Sensei Carl's stupid fucking quiz went live on Friday and we plug our Patreon for very good reason. We're really proud of it. We think it's a great deal and occasionally we do extra episodes. If you love this podcast and you're thinking,

wow, I can't see the Patreon's going to be really good value. It's amazing. And this that landed on Friday is a real special one-off, isn't it, Carl? It is. It's a three-hour quiz-based spectacular and this that landed on Friday is a real special one-off, isn't it, Carl? It is. It is.

It's a three-hour quiz-based spectacular and it is worth the £3 a month alone. Yeah, you can just play it with your mates at home. It's dead, they're good, it's funny. We really enjoyed filming it and I just want to plug me special one more time.

My special club comic, which is on YouTube, Adam Road Club Comics, it's that, it'll come up. I am 2,337 views away from hitting 100K. And I've watched that several times, so two of those are mine, and that is fantastic. Thank you, mate.

And I know it's arbitrary, but 100K just seems... Let's get in there. It's fucking exceptional. He made it himself. Support the King Lid. Support us. And if he loves it, if we get to 100 quid,

he'll let us milk him. No. And we've got a new line of merch coming. And once that comes, I imagine the old merch will be unavailable. So if you've seen any of the merch that's on sale at the minute and you haven't quite bought it yet,

go and get that done now at haveawaypod.com because it won't be available for very much longer. Got some new tin coming. Okay. Thanks very much for coming in, Alfred.

Thanks so much for having me. A pleasure. It was a pleasure as always. Bye for now. Bye for now. you you you