Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #112 with Elliot Steel - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. I've got an apology to make Oh Yeah another Yeah It's becoming a weekly thing Could you do it to camera please because that's how it's done

I'm very very sorry how old was she 94 I broke her hip bitch popped her pussy and broke her hip oh no no

not with a 94 year old come on would you fuck her granny like if you were we'll get back to the apology but have you seen Prince Philip

yeah so do you think I would why he literally looks like the walking dead

but he should do he's 99 he's 99 years of age he looks like he's been dead for six years but he's still

alive so maybe that granny juice maybe that's what's keeping him going rough start

when was the last time do you reckon he saw her funny oh guys rough as fuck start well he's been in hospital for two weeks so at least a fortnight ago i saw those pictures when everyone was like oh my god he looked like as i remember i've got a 95 year old granddad who is only slightly better in terms of visuals it wasn't as startling i've i've got a granddy who's like, things aren't working.

You're like, yeah, that is natural, isn't it? Do you reckon they're still at it every now and then? No. No? Do you reckon he shits while she's in the shower? Why? Like in the same room, I mean. No, I reckon they've got a separate,

I reckon they've got like two options. They've got separate. I reckon they've got a downstairs toilet and an upstairs. They've got separate fucking castles. I reckon they might toilet and an upstairs. They've got separate fucking castles. I reckon they might have separate shitters. I think they might have separate toilets. No shit. They've got separate staffs.

Do you reckon Buckingham Palace has got more than one bathroom, yeah? I researched it recently. Four. Four? Yeah, downstairs. Yeah. Rare to get that these days. They've still got one in the garden.

They've got one in the garden. Buckingham Palace isn't a new building. They've got bifolds, but then they've still got the old... Do you know what garage, though? Do you know if they've got electric toothbrushes? Yeah. No, because his teeth would fall out, wouldn't they? Like the vibration.

I don't think nine-year-olds use electric toothbrushes. Like, hey, my jaw's gone. It's what we use. Like, no. There's something keeping him alive, isn't there? There's something. Because he's shoved... World-class healthcare the whole of his fucking life.

That's what is keeping him alive. Usually, 99-year-olds are dead, yeah, because they've been fucking waiting on the NHS for shit that's going wrong. He goes, oh, I've got chest pains. Quickly, the limousine to the King George's Hospital. And like 97 physicians are like, oh my God, Prince Philip, let's keep him alive.

Or don't. Is he, do you reckon he's going to get a letter from the Queen when he's 100? Yeah, but they save him postage. Yeah. Just a text.

Well then lad. She just leans over like, lad, well done. Yeah. It's gutting that he's not king, isn't it? Do you reckon she'll hand deliver it in?

Talk about running the fucking game. Like, here's your, here's your, here's your little letter. Well done. fucking game like here's your here's your israel little letter well done happy birthday he's like can i be king for this last bit of my life no fuck off you're a prince a 99 year old power though does she to make him a king do you think he wants to be the king you go under the radar a bit more if you're a prince don't you and i mean it's under the rain it's easier he's the queen's husband

proper under the radar but it's easier to keep a bit of privacy if you're only a prince he's the fucking queen's husband bit of privacy who is he

are you coming to open this hospital Philip no mate no if you didn't make me the king I'm not doing

the fucking hospital do you reckon he's ever shagged anyone else probably I've never watched The Cram me missus watches reckon he's ever shagged anyone else? Probably. I've never watched The Crown. My missus watches it. He probably,

he was a gobshite, wasn't he? Is that what you're using as a reference for facts about the royal family? Yeah. Right, okay, yeah,

cool. What do you mean? Philip Young. Has he ever shagged, has he ever shagged anyone? Let me just check. I've watched The Crown. No,

but like, The Crown is like, very, very factually correct. Yeah. They have to watch it to like, allow it. When was the last time he got an erection?

1975. I mean, it was pre the time when it. They have to watch it to, like, allow it. When was the last time he got an erection? 1975? I mean, it was pre the time when it was almost frowned upon. It was like... Finn's Googling, did Prince Philip have a girlfriend? Yes. Yeah, that's it. Have an affair in the 50s? Don't click on that one.

Ooh. I mean, yeah. Yeah. If you heard Carl go, don't click on that one, it was because it was through a website that we refused to use. Yeah. Working out. I just think he's from an era that he probably did,

but I love the fact that he married a queen and she was like, nah, you're staying a prince. Well, what's my son? They're a prince. King consort, isn't he? It's not a decision. Whose decision is it? It's like, it's tradition, isn't it?

Like, if you marry the queen, you become a prince. You never become a king if you marry the queen. The only way you can become a king is if you inherit the throne. It's consort, like queen consort. Like, you're the queen, but you're not. You're just the king's wife. Yeah. I think historically, someone has married a queen

and been given the role as king. I would imagine that's been worked out over the years i don't know enough about royal history yeah but i mean who's executive level whip that in it do you know what i mean yeah yeah you know like when you you get involved with a girl and she's like you're not fucking doing that you're not being the king is the top of that do you know what i mean yeah you can marry me you can marry we'll have kids together you can have your own castle you can have an affair in the 1950s

according to the crown you can do nothing apart from opening a few hospitals but you're a fucking prince just like your grandsons ahhh

I fucking get that do you reckon he's ever bummed her should I google that google that one he's definitely bummed her do you reckon yeah do you reckon they have like just like because i think because they're royal you imagine that they just have squeaky clean like missionary sex and they cuddle but you reckon he's ever like fucking they don't chain them up in the aristocracy don't cuddle fuck fuck's sake They breed and then wander off into their own

wing of the palace Do you not reckon she's ever been like chained to the dungeons and that? And like he's coming and just fucking... The dungeons The actual dungeons Hello, is that the captain of the tower? Yeah, Philip and I are coming tonight, make sure the staff aren't tower? Philip and I are coming tonight.

Make sure the staff aren't there. We would like to use the dungeon. Oh, really, Mom? What for? Mind your fucking business. He'd have to be there, though, wouldn't he? Like the president. Someone's going to watch it and get bummed, probably.

As his job. No. Someone's going to watch the royal shag. I reckon they probably do have like a witness to everything because imagine if she got bummed to death right and then he's gonna explain it jessimus is getting demonetized as well i think we should if they don't clock it i think we should write to youtube and ask for it to be demonetized just i feel like it's the ethical thing to do it should be really funny if right

now in the middle of a song of the Queen bummed to death, if a Colgate advert comes on. Andrix. I just want to know. I want to know what their sex life is like. The Almanac one. Like, not now.

Obviously, he's 99, and at the very least, he's using Viagra. But back in the day when they were fucking like going for it and that. Do you know what I mean? Have you not seen? You haven't seen it? Because they're humans. I know there's rumors that they're lizards,

but they're apparently humans. So they've got needs. Do you know what I mean? I don't think they necessarily satisfy those needs with each other though, do they? No. I watched the great. Powerful people.

They just shine. They marry for status and power don't they yeah and then stick their dicks where they want and that's so

no but you can't really be having an affair if you're Prince Philip people will recognise you you can't be on Tinder you'll be like I fucking know him from somewhere

princes and kings can't have affairs because they're too famous well there's Biobie if you want to tell me don't tell me wife you know who she is winky emoji she's on the money yeah yeah I think if he turns up that sounds right don't tell me wife you know who she is winky emoji

she's on the money yeah yeah I think if he turns up in like imagine if he ever got a prostitute and he had to pay her

with his wife's face that's pimp and that do you know what I mean yeah you definitely Charles Darwin face up wouldn't it

hang on right I'm gonna need some fucking money for this Phil you dirty old dog okay how much do I owe you prostitutes fun he's not just driving around fucking hackney hang on right I'm gonna need some fucking money for this Phil you dirty old dog okay how much do I owe you

where do you think he gets his prostitutes from he's not just driving round fucking Hackney he's going elite isn't he they're coming to him no that's just doing they live in London

don't they that's what I did do you reckon he's getting London prostitutes I really feel like there was a funny bit about the old face there that you just decided

was not happening lad where's that prostitute from fucking hell face there that you just decided was not happening LOD! Where's that prozzy from? Fucking hell I love it when it starts like this Exotic ones All over the gasp Thailand, Russia, the Arctic

Inuit people Eskimo prozzies Do you think they'd be a bit lost? Yeah. You look warm, love. Take that fur off. Do you reckon they wear that all the time, even in our countries? Do you reckon when Eskimo's gone all the way to Africa,

they've got the fucking Kenny from South Park hat on? Do you think there's an Eskimo airport? Eskimo International. I've got a feeling, and I've never heard this, that Eskimo is offensive and we're being dead racist now. It's not.

It's, you know. They're not a historically disenfranchised group. There was no Eskimo slavery. I think they are. I think they are. I think they are. Is it like Inuit? Yeah, Inuit is, I think,

the cultural term, isn't it? Yupik and In yeah but that's eskimo is predominantly seen as offensive or non-preferred and has been widely replaced by the term inuit fucking eskimo twitter inuit that's the great thing about like the the uh arctic not having the internet inuit sounds more offensive than eskimo though yeah like i'd be more proud to be like, I'm a fucking Eskimo than I'm an Inuit. It sounds like you should have. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, they can, but they can only, they can use it.

Oh, right, okay. They can use Eskimo. Can they? We can't use Eskimo. Yeah, yeah. When they see one of their mates, they're like, oh, my Eskimo. Everyone's like, yeah.

Eskimo, please. That's my Eskimo. Where's he bought that coat from? I know. That'd be fucking expensive, that Where's he bought that coat from? I know. That'd be fucking expensive, that. Has he made that himself out of a dead bear or something? Yeah, because he twatted

a polar bear with his Eskimos. That's mad, innit? Eskimos. 46 hot Eskimos. What a fucking great website that is. That's some porn, that. Do Eskimos make their coats? That's a weird calendar.

If they were in Northern Ireland, they'd be hundreds of pounds. Going through Google in front of someone who's got ADHD, I'm telling you,

I like the idea of the clips, but you can't be typing in Google. Adam's like, I can see his head going, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

Do you reckon there's Eskimo porn? There must be. Get in that igloo, bitch, and suck my dick. Just give me five minutes, warm up. He's a good director, yeah do you reckon there's Eskimo porn there must be get in that igloo bitch and suck my dick just give me five minutes warm up

you're a good director aren't you yeah igloo's meant to be warm aren't he it's weird that can't get my head around it made out of ice

boil or not how many coffees did you have on the way go on be honest how many coffees have you had just one

was it a big one no it was a Greg's one as well it's quite weak boil or not boil or not don't need a coat and an igloo

famously you know in the quiz when we talked about Metallica have done gigs on every continent yeah the Arctic's

not a continent is it it's just a load of ice am I right isn't it isn't it Antarctica Antarctica Antarctica not a continent Is it? It's just a load of ice Am I right? Isn't it? Isn't it Antarctica? Antarctica Antarctica is a continent

But that includes I mean It's more than one place Isn't it? I'm sure it's What? Google Just Google

With that screen off Cause Cause What do we go The seven continents I just don't understand How you How you do a gig in

In the Arctic Antarctica is a continent. Fucking hell. Metallica with a load of Eskimos and penguins must have been sick, that. Yeah.

There's no Eskimos in Antarctica, though, is there? That's... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There it is. There's the gig.

Metallica rocks Freeza Mall show in Antarctica. So that was... The Arctic's not a continent. It's just a load of ice, isn't it? Yeah. That's fucking mad.

There are no Eskimos in Antarctica. Is there not? No. Where are they? Where you had it, Arctic. The Arctic. The top bit. North Pole.

Yeah, the northern. The sound. Not like them fucking southerners. What's down there? There's no indigenous people of Antarctica. Why don't we all move there then set up a new civilisation we're always trying to fucking conquer Mars aren't we

well closer he cries if the window's open for five minutes if I open the studio window just to clear some guff out he's like fuck I'm freezing it's almost like it was the middle of December when you did it yeah so how are you going to do in Antarctica I'd have a coat on we're going be the biggest podcast in antarctica think about it we would be

how many people were that metallica gig that literally looked like the whole of the crew of their plane that was about 48 people like whoa just to say i had a thought about going you know just for the experience it'd be good wouldn't? How would you get there? Where's the weirdest place you've gigged? Where's the... Because, like, the Forces gigs had gigs in the Falklands and it took them 11 hours flying. Absolute fucking beast of a journey. But that was one of those ones where a few years ago

when the Forces gigs were really in... It was, like, Afghanistan. What you did for, like, two weeks, you had to get safety training. You had to get a certificate, which is basically like, is what happens if an rpg blows up your gig right so for for insurance reasons to go to afghanistan and entertain the troops and you got something like 12 grand for the two weeks it was fucking danger money there was also gigs in cyprus when they're coming back from like the, the tours and everything.

There's gigs all over the Med and then Bahrain, Dubai and in the Middle East. But then Falklands was another one because they've got troops posted out there. And part of me was like, Oh, it sounds like a ball. Like,

but just to say you've been to Afghanistan to gig, you can't say no to that. Can you? Could be a tough crowd though, couldn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I imagine they're not kicking hecklers out there. All right couldn't it do you know what I mean I imagine they're not kicking hechlers out there

alright okay do you know what I mean did you I thought you thought it was just all the local Afghanis no no alright I thought you were like

tough crowd that I mean you're shooting them one minute then they're like listen ISIS you're a right pair of cunts you two but are you coming in

7pm it's the comedy show Adam Rose headline him it's ISIS just two people two fellas listen ISIS you're a pair of bastards we've beaten them we've beaten them you two cunts it's the comedy show Adam Rose headline him it's Isis just two people two fellas listen Isis you're a pair of bastards

we've beaten them we've beaten them you two cause fucking murder the world over I don't know how you've got away with it

it's those two two Isis like Hatton Beck of that Tyler Wells I think you'd have to do it you'd have to do it if someone offered it just to be like

fuck it yeah I'd absolutely do it Falklands yeah I'd go anywhere me for a gig as long as the money's right obviously i'm not going i'm not going to afghanistan for 50 quid you would you definitely go to afghanistan for 50 quid i wouldn't if it no it was paid for and they give you 50 quid are you fucking joking i wouldn't go to warrington for 50 quid exactly but you can it's the experience, innit? I've been to Afghanistan and gigged. How much of a cunt

promoter would have to be like, we've got a gig in Afghanistan, but it's not really, it's more of a new material night. Sounds like me, I've controlled that. Yeah, it literally sounds,

what, you can't pay full fees, but it's 50 quid. Gotta drive someone from London as well. Yeah, yeah. But don't worry,

it's cash in hand. Yeah, I would, I yeah I would I would definitely I would definitely have taken them up if I got offered it we know people that went out to do it yeah

but Antarctica Steve Harris Steve Harris is banned from camp Bastian isn't he for making a joke oh right yeah

he made a joke the friendly fire joke the friendly fire joke and he's legit banned from an active war zone that's great he does a routine about it but joke the friendly fire joke and he's legit banned from an active war zone that's great he does a routine about it

but I've asked him is it real and he's like yeah there was loads of that you've really got to be careful about what you say isn't it mad that there's two groups of people

banned from Camp Bastion one of them is Al-Qaeda and one of them banned is Steve Harris ISIS aren't

because they know where those two lads are and it's like listen we need ID if you're coming in Camp Bastion Al-Qaeda are banned do you reckon they have ID

in like ISIS and that do you get like a fucking pass saying it yeah do you reckon

oh yeah yeah yeah because otherwise you could just fucking blag it couldn't you I've been here for years I'd kill loads of people you get it written down they've got it on a database yeah they've got Janine Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because otherwise you could just fucking blag it, couldn't you? Oh, no, I've been here for years. I'd kill loads of people. You get it written down.

They've got it on a database. Yeah. They've got Janine in accounts in HR. Janine? Yeah, Janine. Fucking hell. She works for ISIS. Does she?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got it on LinkedIn. Was she rude from Birmingham? Was she? Yeah. She was like, why Birmingham? I don't know. Janine just sounds Birmingham.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, she works out there. She out there in the same boat as shamima begum got over there and they just went together oh poor shamima yeah shamima i seen a picture of her recently she's got like all the glasses on everyone's saying deported back to ours bless her how is she being fucked over and left over there? It's really brutal. It's a complicated one, that, isn't it? It's hard to... It absolutely is a complicated one. I love how social media simplifies it as well. Do you know what I mean? Because in my opinion, based on what I have seen,

is that she was groomed as a child, taken over there. She is our problem because she's a British citizen and she should be brought back and, you know, maybe tried and whatever here, but I don't really know what I'm talking about. The people who have got that opinion so vehemently on social media, she's ours and she should be brought back, as if, like, it hasn't gone through every level of court

and they haven't looked at every single bit of evidence and might know something that everyone else doesn't. I just love how everyone on social media is like, I know this because I have done a degree in art fine arts actually i drew a picture of afghanistan and i know exactly what's going on over there so this this this and this i just i don't even think you need to do loads of research on it like she's british yeah she's british but do you not think the judges that have decided that she's over there might have more of an eye on information than we have?

Because I agree with you. I'm just sort of devil's advocate. Oh, yeah, you're right. It's become political, hasn't it? Yeah. It's become political, and I don't know if they're doing it as a deterrent because that's a major problem, isn't it?

Young Muslims in the country getting radicalized and groomed to fight what they feel is like a holy war i think and now but i'd like to be leaving her out there and be like not our problem you're like she's definitely british yeah well i think it's proven that like maybe the court around by like working class mums and they've just gone that's it now you're either in or you're out she's out she's gone yeah you're not coming in you come back for your tea and that's it could you imagine if the if the if the courts were run by people from if it was like instead of just um what do they call it when the jury you know it can be from anyone in society can't it if also the judge was just from anyone in society so who's's your judge for your court case? I'd be a great judge.

It's Barry from Gateshead. He's a plumber and he doesn't fuck about. So you've been accused of bringing an ignorant, you fucking piggy bastard. Ten year, I've got me fucking scooter nicked when I was 19 and I won't fucking stand for it. Get in the fucking jail, you dirty bastard. That's essentially the magistrates.

Yeah, but it wouldn't, it would jazz things up, wouldn't it? It would jazz things up if randomly some fucking dodgy cunt from round your way was a judge for the day, like, you've been accused of breaking and entering, like, nothing wrong with that. Being called up for judge duty. I'd fucking love it if the Houses of Parliament

were just taken over by working class people Ali G because it's all fake yeah Ali G style but like real do you know what I mean because obviously that's quite

like exaggerated for comedy effect but just like you know when like fucking Boris Johnson is just spouting the same old shite and Keir Starmer or even Corbyn

before he has to come and go the right honourable gentleman is clearly telling lies to fabricate. I'd just love if it was like Carl or someone I know who just went, lad, you're chatting shit. Sit the fuck down.

For once, stop chatting shit and just be fucking honest and tell everyone that the reason you bought PPE off him is because you're an older tenner from year nine. That's what happened. You went to school to get there. It's fucking bang on.

Everyone knows what you've done. Just fucking tell the truth. Just tell the truth because you're starting to look like a fucking knobhead. Yeah. That would basically be the Italian parliament. But there's all of those rules of like procedural court stuff is very old fashioned

and it's all just so that nothing can be libelous and you've got to say what you can say and the the judge is in charge of it and basically those rules are transferred to parliament like the speaker gets to control who says what you can't go you can't even go past the line in parliament it's the length of swords isn't it there's the length of swords from fucking hundreds of years ago you're not meant to step past because they had issues with people sword fighting in the length of swords, isn't it? There's the length of swords from fucking hundreds of years ago. You're not meant to step past because they had issues with people sword fighting in the middle of Parliament. But that, could you imagine that?

You've given PPE to your mates. How dare you, sir? How dare you? That'd be better. But all of those rules are in place to stop anyone talking like that, going, you're chatting shit. They'd be like, order, order. Order.

However, the politicians who actually speak normally stand out a fucking mile don't they yeah because they're not just basically gray-haired white tories who are 60 and independently wealthy and you just you instantly just feel they just look so much more normal who's the scottish girl is it marie black and she's like 24 yeah and she spent all of her allowance you're all fucking ruined in scotland i fucking love it up there i mean it's fucking shite sorry everyone it's fucking shite scottish impression it wouldn't be so shite if you didn't take all our fucking money and all our opportunities we've got fucking oil and you're fucking using it and we don't get fucking anything back from it.

And it's fucking not on. It's not on. James McFadden. How do we have anyone in Scotland that listens? She's like 24, isn't she? How good is that? She's got a working class last night. It's 24 and she's got

she's smart and she represents fucking love it yeah great if you could have like an hour in a room with any Tory MP to do whatever you want with them right and I mean whatever you want you could literally have a nice conversation with them if you want, or you can tie him to a chair and dismember his body. What would I want with an hour of Michael Gove? Sit down for an hour. That would be the most vile podcast you could ever do. Sorry, Michael, I'm just going to set up some recording equipment, and he just goes...

It has to be Jacob Rees-Mogg, doesn't it? Yeah. He just smashes his head in for an hour. Yeah, I wouldn't smash his head in, because you're going to see that. Everyone's going to know he's in a room with me me i'd just repeatedly kick him in the bollocks just like i'd let it die down and then kick him in the bollocks again and then let it die down and kick him in the box you take it and i think you'd be like keep doing it monkey boy keep doing

it right did you notice that as well it's quite an aggressive form of satire we do on Have A Word it is politics but it has a certain edge to it so what I'd do I'd keck him in parliament yeah I'd do his head in wouldn't I

I reckon he's got a sly schlong you know I reckon Jacob Rees-Mogg has got an absolute waponich pipe yeah that he wasn't born with he's just paid for a poor person's dick

and had it transplanted he's just at that level of wealth. Like, yes, I think I'll have a Puerto Ricans. Thank you. Are those kids Liverpool fans? Apparently so, yeah. Which is madness. Yeah. I think that's his way of connecting with the North in some way, probably. No, I think he's just like

probably from an era. He's probably a Liverpool fan as well. So he's from an era. Like the 80s, you mean? Yeah, where Liverpool was successful and his fucking dad's gone, oh, I'll support the team that's winning an era like the 80s you mean yeah where Liverpool was successful and his fucking dad's gone oh I'll support the team that's winning because I like to win

everything yeah maybe yeah anyway I've got an apology to make so to the royal family first of all

sorry to the royal family I haven't said she gets bummed I speculate that she might get bummed and that's just fair game

if you're in the public eye you've got to expect that some podcasters are going to be questioning whether or not you get bummed. Not all of them are going to but some of them Great Grandma Go on watch your apology What do you need to say sorry for

I need to say sorry to you Why what's going on Because remember a couple of weeks ago You were like oh you get up early And you're always tired So you go to bed early And whatever I've been getting up early

And days are fucking long aren't they Do you know how long days are I have to start getting up at like 8 o'clock And like it feels great at like lunch time because normally like you know I'd often get up at like 11 o'clock and then maybe like I'll lie in bed watching telly

for a bit till 12 right so lunch time is sort of when my day has started sometimes in the past and at lunch time now I sort of I look at the clock and I'm like I've normally even getting up now and i've got so much done like yesterday got up took me uh took my girlfriend to work oh god it's another one of his fucking day diaries this is brutal if i like can i just pause it because this

is about the fourth time he's done one of these if i did this he's the level of boredom in Adam's mind, he'd be like, lads, shut the fuck up. Do you think Prince Andrew gets bummed by his mum? Like, I love it how Adam's like, no, this is valid.

I need to tell you all about my day. Day to day to day. I have to literally tell him that one of my family members is dying before he's like, oh,

that's interesting. Who's dying? Carry on. Carry on. Give us the day to day. Buckle up, everyone. We've just been talking about the queen getting bummed to death by her fucking vampire husband.

And now we're going to have, I had a coffee at quarter to nine. I did some emails at ten past nine. Go on. So, took my girlfriend to work. She had to be there for eight o'clock in the morning. So I was up at like fucking quarter past 7 right

on the way back went to Asda did a big shop come back the car cleaners come cleaned both of our cars that's why I took her to work so we could harvest

so we could get it cleaned then I got like loads of stuff done I had my lunch right then what did you have what did you have

a sandwich oh and then yeah it was 12 o'clock and I was like oh my god look how much I've got done What did you have? What? What did you have? A sandwich. Oh. And then, yeah. It was 12 o'clock and I was like, oh my God, look how much I've got done. Is that it? Now you need to apologise.

Apologise for that. Apologise for that. He is flying too close to the sun Oh that's so funny Oh god What are you with the rest of the day? That's the thing There's too much of it There's just fuck all to do

And you wonder why I masturbate It's part of the fucking Filling the time innit Yeah but I can't be spaffing No No I've got a lady You know what i mean you're

saving up yeah i'm saving all my cum for you oh you're an old romantic are you allowed is she like got some weird level of control over you adam checking the fucking paper basket like there's no tissues in here god i flushed them oh really do you leave your cum cum rags just findable cum rags that makes it sound like you've got two tea towels they just come out like fucking cardboard um i just use whatever undies i've just took off sexy the sad story was still going go tell us about your one kid yeah sometimes like you know the undies that work like, you know the undies that are on the floor? That works so well. You know the undies that are on the floor?

Adam is being gaslighted by his new girlfriend. And I'll just wipe it. He's not allowed to wank until she tells him. And then those undies are going in the wash now, anyway, aren't they?

You know what I mean? Lovely. First time watching Have A Word? You're like, this is a weird one. No, it's not. It's standard,

standard fare. So what's the next step? You're now, you're up early. What's the next step in the evolution of the man that is Adam Rowe? I think it's going back to getting up late. Yeah, because the gigs are going to come back. You're like, fuck that. The problem with gigs is you're still wired when you get home, aren't you?

Like you're still a bit like, whoa. I can't sleep after the gig. But, like, there's just too much time. Do you know what I mean? There's too much time in a day. They're fucking long. Do you fancy doing some subtitling? It's just like, what do I do now?

Me balls are empty. The kitchen's clean. What family in it family engagement yes time for kids you've got too much time don't want to time for kit you do i don't it's happening i don't she's i'm telling you then i'll have no time yeah it does flip flip the other way have you ever tried middle ground maybe i need like a dog not a dog no maybe i feel like we've been very careful about that maybe maybe i should like get into like horseback riding or something horseback riding that isn't good middle ground between horse i love it how you specify horseback because a lot of people do horse underneath riding, but there's a lot of dick, you know? Thing is, I'm rowing bags, yeah? I don't ride horses like every other cunt.

Some people get on top of the horse. I was like, nah, I'm getting underneath the horse. Fucking hell, I'm upside down. I'm going dead fast. But I did get fucked by a horse. Massive dick. Couldn't help it. Shouldn't have worn shorts.

I'm horseback riding. Do you recommend that, though? If you're thinking have worn shorts I'm horseback riding do you recommend that though if you're thinking about having kids go horseback riding first see how you like that if you can deal with horseback riding

go for family have you ridden horses no but I've thought about it yeah next step I've stood next to a horse and imagined like

winning the grand national falling off a horse and imagined winning the Grand National. Falling off a horse in New Zealand was one of the most stupid things I've ever been involved in. We went on a Lord of the Rings trek around New Zealand on the South Island and me and Bondi were out there and we signed up for a horse trek and

I had ridden a horse when I was nine at PGL which is just basically walking and you're on the horse but it just walks that was what i'd done and so the woman was like has anyone ever done any uh horse riding and i was there was girls it was all girls because it's a fucking organized horse track it's not exactly like stag do a clock is it so me and bondi are there looking like a gay couple there's loads of girls some of them are cute jumping off the instructor's like hiya i want a big stallion um and halfway around she was like who wants to go faster and i was just

like yeah of course i want to go fast it's horse riding it i want a horse i want a walking horse i want to fucking go for it and as soon as it set off i was just out of control and i started slipping to the right it saw a puddle I actually saw the little boggy bit. The horse went left, and I flew off, bruised my ribs, and I had to stand up and act like it wasn't a problem. And then I was really overweight because we'd been just boozing for a month at the New Zealand Comedy Festival, and I couldn't get back on the horse. She jammed her hand under my arse.

All of these girls were watching. Bondi was watching. And at the point where she couldn't quite get me on the horse, she went, oh, you're quite a big boy, aren't you? And, like, wedged my fat, alcoholic arse onto a horse. And that was worse than falling off. And Bondi afterwards, you know when your mates want to rip the piss out of you, like, that was fucking hilarious.

He was like, it went beyond that that and i just felt pity for you because an attractive horse instructor was going you fat cunt get back on this horse i feel bad for the horse so i would say about horse riding it sounds fun but they're not to be trusted horses if you get into horse riding people are going oh it's great fun it's not it's awful if you get into horseback i don't know how long does it take before you get like your jockey license where you can like race them and i honestly i i would there's certain things we've talked about doing with this podcast i would if we go like have a word horse riding i am not going to be involved because i've fallen off that cunt and they're horrible it would be great to see you because you're so you're so competitive

that you do the same thing I did that who wants to go faster lad I was born faster fucking see you going yeah it'd be amazing it doesn't look that hard

it doesn't it doesn't look that hard does it now that they're just riding a bike you've never ridden one I can ride bikes as well yeah but you had to learn and you fell off

got ya yeah I suppose ridden one I can ride bikes as well yeah but you had to learn and you fell off got you yeah I suppose can you get all stabilised yeah that's what I was going to say you can't have stabilisers for a horse two extra small legs next to the back legs

like a wheelchair yeah I would love to see you A ride a horse and then B fall off one yeah but I'm worried

about falling off one because like fucking Superman fell off a horse and fucked B, fall off one. Yeah, but I'm worried about falling off one because like fucking Superman fell off a horse and fucked him, didn't he? If Superman died, go on, Harry. If Superman, if it fucked Superman,

what chance have I got? Yeah. It fucked my pride. It fucked his life, didn't it? Yeah. I don't want... Do you know he's not Superman though? When you said it like,

Superman didn't fall off a horse. Yeah. Yeah, but you know who he means, don't you? Yeah, I know. Christopher Reeves, wasn't he? But his reasoning was like, Superman could fall off a horse.

So if he's Superman... Yeah, but if you can play Superman... If he's an actor... You're in better physical shape than me, aren't you? Yeah. No one's getting the Superman call if they're in worse physical condition. I would genuinely like to have a jockey on.

I think it'd be quite interesting to see... AP McCoy? I've met him, he's sound. I think it'd be quite interesting to see. AP McCoy? I've met him, he's sound. I think it'd be interesting. AP McCoy. I'm getting to the point now where I love having comedians on. It's sound. But I know their job and I know their life.

Like, I would love to start. I want a porn star. I would love to speak to an MMA, like, fighter. A UFC fighter or a boxer. Interesting. I'd love to talk to a jockey to just see what their day to day is like I want a rodeo clown now

yeah after what we discussed on the latest Patreon episode patreon.com slash have a weird pod Lassie O'Harris of course gotta be the goat who's dead

who's dead isn't he get his mum out who's based in Runcorn that's the problem isn't it rodeo clown can we get a UK rodeo clown just some fucking noncy clown yeah I do rodeos as well That's the problem, isn't it? Rodeo clown. Can we get a UK rodeo clown? Just some fucking noncy clown.

Yeah, I do rodeos as well. I'm not allowed to do kids' parties since the incident. That's like Dorman on Begging, isn't it? UK rodeo clowns. Can we get Sophie Anderson on if we're getting porn stars? Because she's surely the closest we've got. I just can't imagine a porn star. I want to get totally dick-fect. I want to get totally dick-fect.

I can't imagine someone coming up from Bristol to But We'll buy their fucking KFC innit What are the top jobs that we want on What people doing What jobs do we want on Pornstar definitely I've got some questions

About squirting What are the questions Landscape Gardener Yeah And Sitchmash That'd be fucking great that What about what are the questions landscape gardener yeah and the sitchmash that'd be fucking great that what about

move on good bit of pan on that one guys fire from Carl in the booth fucking oh I'm gone I gave you the tennis ball

you fucking missed it not me you gave me a flat piece of shit landscape gardener landscape gardener at least I had a mother go yeah you miss 100% of the shots you don't take landscape gone landscape gone at least I had a mother go yeah

you miss 100% of the shots you don't take thanks for that yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah What about Pedophile Hunter? Stinson, is it? Stinson Hunter. Stinson Hunter, yeah. What about guys who go hunting nonces? I know. The thing is, I would love to hear those guys talk about all the shit that's gone on in a pedo hunt. But I really,

I just think they're horrible cunts. And I know, there's just an air of like, what they're doing, like trying to catch nonces is absolutely valid but every time I watch a video this is how cunt they are

they make me sort of feel sorry for the pedo which I think translates as you're just not very nice about it but then again they shouldn't be nice it doesn't have to be content though does it? catch them and show them about it no but I think the reason they do it that way is they know that it's very hard to get a conviction or certainly a good conviction so a lot of time people who are like grooming little girls and

stuff if they haven't actually fucked a child they'll just get like a suspended sentence or they'll get like put on the sex offenders register and released and sometimes it doesn't even stick because there's not proper evidence so the reason they put it out on social media is so that there's sort of vigilante style punishments of every millions of people now know who you like that little thanks for this remember my holiday if i seen him in the streets i would know he's a pedophile now yeah but like I think you'd have had an inkling anyway. Mate, he's the goat of, he's the goat of people that got fucking paedophile hunted.

Who am I on the day? Yeah. Thanks a lot. Well, thanks for this. There was a guy, who am I holiday? There was a guy that was doing standup on the, yeah,

I know we can't say, but there was a guy who I'd literally gig with. I forget his name anyway. I know his name. Because we got an email recently of someone with a similar name, and I went, the fuck? Really enjoying the podcast.

I was like, I hope you're fucking not, and then it's not the guy. There was a guy that was doing gigs and got pedo hunted. Is it called pedo hunting? Am I calling it the wrong thing? Yeah, horseback. They get pedos,

and then they release them on the first horn. The pedos are released! Limoncello breaks the scent. And they can just run off into the woods then. Limoncello. Oh, the pedo hunter's like, what are you doing with that Italian liqueur? Nothing, no reason.

Limoncello. So yeah, pedophile hunter. Nothing. No reason. A limoncello. So yeah, paedophile hunter. Rodeo clown. I think we should, can we do our own version of paedophile hunter? Have a word,

paedophile hunter. That would be so good. Be like, lad, can you meet us at the Heath Business Park in Runcorn? Give him a pass.

Right, they're in the, they're in the cafeteria. Finn, go and get the pito and two almond cheese toasties, thank you. I'd really, really, really like, and I know this would drive you mad, a proper conspiracy theorist. Someone who genuinely believes,

like, I like winding you up, and I like conspiracies because I just think it's fun to even consider the fact that they're real. But, like, David Icke level, no, everyone's controlling us. Alex Jones. Yeah. He recently did Andrew Shultz's podcast

and it's been removed off YouTube. Yeah, because I watched the trailer and that was insane. Yeah. So here's my problem. And I know people are like, got me as this massive anti-conspiracy thing. What happens then is it flicks over to

when Eddie was in and you were like, what? see there is a conspiracy the courts are rigged like just because you're into one conspiracy doesn't mean you should be into all conspiracies and just because you i reject the idea of a lot of conspiracies there are still things that i think are rigged on dodgy as fuck but i just don don't, like, the problem is when you, I've started taking the stance of all conspiracies are bullshit, but I don't know when you're being serious. And because you just start going,

yeah, and you know, the court system is legal, like dodgy and it's rigged and everything. And Hillary Clinton defo eats babies. Like it's,

they come from the same place then though, don't they? So that's my problem with the conspiracies it feels like when people go I'm into conspiracies

they just start spouting all of the conspiracies where I think you should be able to go like so what with the flat earth because we had a flat earther get in touch

really aggressively like the week before that's going we want to come on your podcast and then people go no they should come on the podcast are we really going to have a flat earther going

it's flat like is that a conspiracy that we're doing it'd be funny we could though but they've got to accept the fact that we're going to take the piss out of their entire identity right i mean like they've got to come on and let us do what we do but i think because the thing is proper conspiracy theorists reject the term conspiracy theorist do you know what I mean like if if someone genuinely believes in all this stuff they're like I'm not a conspiracy theorist that was actually invented to shut down people who question the JFK assassination they're like I'm not a conspiracy theorist I just know the truth they're the people I want on I don't want people going I'm a conspiracy theorist because they're

doing what I do which is be funny or life's more interesting if a lot of these are real like someone who genuinely believes that the queen is a lizard

and like we're all being monitored and Bill Gates now knows when I'm doing my shopping and that is there can we lead up to that level

of truther because I feel like I don't want to start uh the queen is a lizard and bill gates eats kids i think you need to ease me into it a little bit like like an epstein and do you know what i mean like i feel like as a non-conspiracy guy going straight to the queen's lizard might be a bit much in terms of what about sean atwood sean atwood's basically he guy. He does all, his YouTube's very Epstein based

and stuff like that. Right, right. And he's an ex-con. Something. Interesting man. You know, the one that really rings true is the way this is being covered up

with Prince Andrew. You're like, oh, this reeks. It reeks of the ruling class going, like they've done for fucking generations and generations. You're talking about Prince Philip generations and generations you're talking

about prince philip having affairs you're talking about what's happened to prince andrew and then historically the royal family covering up murder covering up it will have happened since the dawn of the royal family now i suppose it's a bit more obvious because they've got the internet and journalists i would love to hear someone get into that i know it's fucking risky and i know it's probably libelous but if you could do it cleverly i'd love to hear more about that yeah so speak to your mates scottish john that's fucking wrong you know really yeah um yeah let us know in the comments below and you can always email at haveawaypod at gmail.com any suggestions of the type of guest you'd like to have

non comedians yeah so tweet tweet us tweet us at haveawordpod when June comes isn't it then we've got the open book

um god Carl I'm so fucking excited about the summer because we've been relying on our mates people that are local but once the restrictions are lifted

oh fucking bring it on yeah it's going on Prince Andrew will be here yeah I reckon relying on our mates, people that are local. But once the restrictions are lifted, oh, fucking bring it on. Prince Andrew will be here. I reckon. Imagine if we got him on. Prince Andrew. Then someone next to him came along and was like... Emily Maitlis didn't quite,

you know, he didn't quite get all his words out properly. He's going to be sitting there, sweating, claiming he can't. We'll get him a pizza express in. Oh, look at you. That's very deferential. All of us dickheads get KFC and you're getting him a pizza express in Oh look at you That's very differential

All of us dickheads Get KFC And you're getting him A pizza express Do you not get the reference Topical though He went to a pizza express He didn't

He said he did He was shagging a child At the time Allegedly I love it when Adam's like Oh he didn't go To a fucking pizza express

You know what he did Yeah the worst thing you can do erm wow I think we should shouldn't we so let us know

who you want as guests especially if you've got an eye on anyone that's good on YouTube or podcasting like conspiracy wise not a full blown lunatic

one down from that and the first person to say jack mate gets banned off the channel because we know you all want Jackmate on it is going to happen, it's just when restrictions lift

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Very professional, these guys. They know what they're doing. SNL question. Dear Dwayne the Roe Johnson, Dave Bautista, Stone Cold Sensei Carl, and Vince McMahon. That's very well done, Thomas. Thomas has set this in. All right, lids, I know you prefer American comedy.

I'm very much the same. A lot of my favorite comedians and actors got their big break on Saturday Night Live. That show has helped launch so many careers and has brought comedy to a massive audience for years now. It's become a prestigious thing for celebrities to host. So I thought it would be interesting to hear your take on whether a show like that could ever work over here.

Do you think British comedy could make a show like that? Would the British audience embrace it? Would you like to be in the cast should it ever happen? And who do you think would be perfect for it? Keep up the brilliant work. Your pod has kept me sane over a year now while I've been shielding. Love you guys. That's from Thomas.

I don't think I've ever watched a full episode of SNL but I follow their clips channel because they have years of just amazing highlight clips of people that you'll love. Will Ferrell, Bill Hader, and Kate McKinnon, who's on it now.

Yeah, she's crazy. She's so good. If you've not seen, if you've never watched loads of SNL stuff, I bet you've seen it by accident, but the Close Encounters clip, oh, it's so well done. Their clips get about 5, 6, 7, 8 million views.

That on YouTube's on 47, and it's meant to be like the CIA interviewing these three rednecks that have been taken, sort of beamed up by aliens, and two of them have had this, is it, it beamed up by aliens and two of them have had this is it um it's ryan gosling and two of them have had a really nice experience with like i don't know what you call it i suppose you'd call it god there was a blue light and it raised down on me and i just knew then that everything would be all right and then kate mckinnon is at the end she's like wow freaking different experience i had these little green men slapping my knockers and there's about 47 of them and one was at the door it felt super not legit he was kind of the

lookout and they were kind of gentle you know not not not hurting just sort of like that's what she does on the on the clip well let's leave it on the clip you're really touchy about your tits aren't you you won't be milked you won't be touched yeah weird like that you have changed

you have changed fuck it's almost like you've got something to hide you've got big nips there's a lot of SNL clips that I think are good

there's a lot that I think are a bit shit I think it's a serviceable part of the American comedy industry because it does launch careers and stuff and they do have some great guest hosts I think are a bit shit. I think it's a serviceable part of the American comedy industry because it does launch careers and stuff and they do have some great guest hosts. I think they've got a very big budget because

America's so big and it goes out. I think you would struggle budget wise to make something as good over here. It's also a cultural thing, isn't it? That show if it launched now wouldn't work. Because it's been going for 50 years it's part of the landscape of common like lauren michaels who is the producer of it is worth half a billion dollars because it's done that kind of numbers and you've got film stars

all through the generations of the of like people that are on it um have just become massive stars so that also has gravitas how would you start that over here who would you get like nish kumar like you know like you'd even struggle to get him because it'd be like it's a risk because it sounds like would it be itv that commissioned it and then everyone's like fucking don't trust itv with it like it's a weird one don't know how you'd ever get it off the ground yeah it'd just be the same people doing the same fucking shit they do on every other show over here

like TV comedy over here it's just very samey and we sort of discussed this on the Alfie Brown thing is like like we've spoke about it a billion times on this but like there's a

there's a genuine need for diversifying talent in comedy and on TV over here but it is putting people on TV over here. But it is putting people on TV now. That drive for diversity is putting people on TV who aren't ready for it, in my opinion. There's people who can't do club gigs who are doing four and five TV shows in a month on the telly

and then they're touring with an hour that isn't, it's just not at the standard that it used like 15 years ago if you got a nationwide tour selling between a hundred and a thousand seats in venues you'd done years on the circuit and you could fucking smash for an hour easily it's just not like that anymore and over here what that saturday night live would become would be we need we need a cast that's very diverse and you know there's a lot of great talent out there but there's

the talent that would be seen as ticking the right diverse box. A lot of them would be too big to be in the cast, certainly at the start of it, so you'd end up with quite a weak cast on a shoestring budget and the show would be shit. I bet they get three, four hundred

grand for a series, each actor I bet their pay from SNL is massive and crucially the writers if you go through all of the writers for SNL, historically when you've seen all these famous people on it

you then go through the list of people that have written for SNL and they become giants because they're getting paid. $7,000 per episode, 21 episodes. So they get $147,000. So they get $147,000 and then it also leads to like

massive amounts of opportunities because it's being watched by 20, 30 million people or something ridiculous. But that's for your first year. So like, obviously after that, you get renewed. So Kenan Thompson, who is in Kenan & Kel, he's on $25,000 per episode. He's the longest serving ever, isn't he?

Yeah. Michael Shea, $15,000 per episode. Pete Davidson, $15,000. So Kate McKinnon, I bet, is one of the higher ones as well. But that's major talent, isn't it? Kate McKinnon's in films now. $25,000 per episode.

So that equates to, what, $600,000 for the series, doesn't it, around that? Mate, it's major money, and it brings in the talent. What's interesting about what Adam just said is all of the same, like, oh, we've got to have diversity and bloody blah, it would be on a smaller budget. But who can do live sketches? Because I can't do pre-recorded advert reads. So I would-

You've got to be an actor. I would love to see them try it because there's been so much shit that's been done over here that is samey. They've nicked this. They've nicked that. But that goes out live. Like, they do those sketches well.

Like, they've got Louis C. Their guests are amazing as well. So they are filming their scene. And if you watch these clips, you just get used to it. They're just looking off. They look like they're like like a was it a thousand yard stare where they're just looking up they've got someone behind them on a cue cup with their fucking lines and then they drop that and then and i i would be fascinated to see just that whether it went wrong or it went if it went really well the amount of pressure is would be fucking brutal

and then you've got the added layer of what happened with that um close encounters clip ryan gosling is a top actor he's in some amazing films superstar he's a superstar but he's good like he's not just like a face he's got like he's a good looking lad or whatever but he's a list and he's a list but he's talented he's done some amazing roles he sat there and got the giggles through Close Encounters and the girl next to him I don't know her name

was like oh he's getting emotional because he was like because it was so funny so not only if you've got to remember your shit oh it's so

and the crowd know it some of the best clips of SNL are from you watch it don't you Finn from the dress rehearsals where all the audience are in. They run the whole show before,

and the cast know that it's not going out, and the giggles are off the charts. I love, I know it's a wanky thing, but blooper reels are funny. I would love to see British comedians under that level of pressure well the thing is like it's it goes back to sort of how america is further ahead of us when it comes to comedy like keenan thompson is a comedy actor he's not a stand-up comedian i imagine at

some point he'll do a stand-up special or he's probably done in a bit but he's a comedy actor that's his thing we don't really have that over here do we we have Miranda and the girl from Fleabag who's fucking brilliant exactly

but it's rare because the country is so much smaller there are some sketch like some sketch shows that have gone on like Big Train and Fast Show

where you call you call them comedy actors but it is a smaller pool yeah and when you pick them from a smaller pool it is a smaller pool. Yeah. And when you pick them from a smaller pool, it's hard to get.

Look at Mock the Week. What's your man? Is it Hugh Dennis? Yeah. When they went to, like, is it Punt and, what was it called? Punt and Dennis?

That was their sketch show. So when they started Mock the Week, they went to a non-comedian. They went to a comedy actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So would you do it? SNL, sorry, so would you do it? SNL sorry what would it be called

like what would it be called it couldn't be called SNL could it? it probably could like if they did it they'd probably license it I think

I think they would I think they'd have to if it was going to be sort of a copy or they'd do like an Aldi version of it Friday night not pre-recorded

from ITV Studios featuring Adam Rowe. Um, I don't know. Um, so, I probably would do it. Right.

But I, I think I'd get fucking, I don't think I'd last as long as Keenan Thompson has. You know your stand-up sketch show that just went out last week the week before last I'm on this week's as well you're on this week's

it'll be tonight so when this episode goes public if you watch the the stand-up sketch show tonight's episode it's episode 7 of series 3 you've never really taught us about the filming of that

I feel like that's I feel like people would be into that because like what we do as stand-ups and what we do as podcasters is very sort of different from comedy acting I've done a bit of like role play stuff at Edinburgh with The Noise Next Door and I got away with it once and died hard the second time got in my own head just just just froze up a little bit in a couple of moments which

is key how did it go with the stand-up sketch show how did those acting and the scenes how did you find it because have you done a lot of stuff before that that's like acting based no i when i was a kid i went to a drama class for two weeks and then they mentioned the fees for it and i never went back because my mum was like 470 quid a month fuck off lad here's a five half half not expected hadn't to be like yeah two weeks in i've learned to act pretty much the best actor ever bye bye i never knew that and no one in school knew that either no this was i was in like year seven kept that quiet so it was when i was still mates with me mate matty who i'd gone to little school with yeah and he went to

the blue coat school and he starts hanging around with a load of girls and they went to this drama class horse riding and the drama class

was funded by the council but there was no boys going to the class so they basically got told if you don't get some lads in

we're gonna stop funding you because it can't just be like we needed to be multi-gendered or whatever so you were the billy elliott of amateur dramatics exactly yeah yeah your dad like you're not you'll go play five a side no dad i want to set the board so we went for a couple of weeks

and the teacher liked me whether that was just because i was there to take a diversity box and get a funding but she was like yes yeah you actually found somewhere where you were the minority yeah absolutely adam gets all the good parts because he's a fucking man um yeah and then she was like yeah it's 70 quid a month and i went back to my mom and i was like they want 70 quid a month she was like well they can fucking swivel for that kid um oh yeahoh. Yeah, the stand-up sketch show is great fun to record. So what they do is we record the stand-up like a couple of months in advance. And then they...

So I recorded three routines. They'd asked for three specific routines because this year they got in touch with me and it was like, we want Adam on again. what routines does he want to do on the show so i sent them my youtube channel and said you can have any routine that's already out there pick whatever and they went right we'll have these three so i recorded three routines i recorded the arguments in greg's uh that's the one that was been out already yeah isn't it? Yeah, that's already gone out. I recorded the, is my dick good?

Me saying drunkenly to a girlfriend, have I got a good dick? And her saying it's nice. And me sort of saying that's not a compliment to a dick. That's the one going out this week. And the third one was, Scouse Dads, which they didn't end up using.

Because normally they get you to record three and they use two. And last season you did the pegin one, didn't you? The dildo one. Last season I did the Peggin one. The Russian one was the one before that, wasn't it? But I think I did two last season. I can't remember what the other one was. But yeah, and in season one,

I did the Russian one, which I watched on the plane home from Japan, which is the fucking weirdest thing. Russian neighbors. But what they did is- We really laughed at the Peggin one. I think that's one of your- I love that love that bit of material going if we're trying this we're at least buying a new one but it was it's one of those ones i think i do not enjoy a lot of stand-up that's fucked with but the watching you sat in bed with a girl that isn't you go just

acting that out just sort of added to it i thought it was great yeah yeah i think you know the sketches can sometimes really add to it and they can sometimes take away from it because a lot of fun with stand-up is the audience picture in it and the sketch does take away the audience's opportunities picture it so i think the sketch has to be really really funny and it has to add something to it for it to make the stand-up better than it would have just been just being stand-up um the way they do you record the stand-up better than it would have just been just being stand-up um the way they do you record the stand-up months in advance and then you a couple of months later they hire whatever place you need to do it and so like we hired they got an airbnb for me to do the strap on one the

greg's one last week they just hired a little bakery in london and then you lip sync your own stand-up so they just have a speaker like car's got there and they go, right, action. And then they play my standup recording from a couple of months before. And I have to be there going, and this woman said, what? Get out. And they've scripted,

because the old woman spoke, didn't she? Did she lip sync a script? No, she lip synced the standup. She lip synced my standup. But do they actually go, here's the script that you don't say out loud, or does she just listen and then copy it? No, no, no.

You get sent the script like a week in advance to learn your lip-syncs. I think it's amazing. You're getting a script to not read the lines? Yeah. It's such a strange thing, isn't it? I do read the lines. Yeah.

So if I lip-sync something, I think it just looks wrong and i think when i watch the stand-up sketch show i can tell when someone's done that so i just say it out loud because they're not using the audio anyway like german porn badly done i thought it was weird because i went to the recording of the stand-up bit yeah was that in august when you did your little just when i came home yeah so i was there and i thought it was weird that they had your joke written down yeah and they go

right you just need to say this next or you go one of me up to I was like there's a really sanitised version of him doing the joke yeah because it can't be there can't be a word out of place

can there no well that was in the the rehearsal wasn't it which they do sometimes use yeah yeah that's what I mean but it was just yeah I haven't mentioned that so when you record

the stand up sketch show in the evening there's an audience there and you go on and you do your stand-up there wasn't because it was covered that was the weird bit no but there was i mean it was only there's only oh shit you had the second one yeah yeah yeah in the afternoon jonathan ross are you no because i went to both right it so in the evening there's an audience there obviously it was like 50 capacity or something uh because of COVID. But in the afternoon, even before COVID,

even in series one and two, in the afternoon, you go on stage, in the afternoon, to no one in the room, in the same comedy club. It's just the two producers in the room and the camera guys. And do your set. And you do your set. And is the camera like...

Yeah, they record it as if it's stand-up and they tell you you've got to perform this like you would do stand-up because if you fuck up a line tonight if you fluff it we will use the footage of this and slide it in and we'll do a close-up so that you can't tell the audience isn't in there and they're like yeah and like if you get if you gotta learn. You've got to learn these disciplines as a comic because there's times you have to do weird stuff like this. But that's the thing. Like, I love the lads who make the standup sketch show.

It's made by Pete Strauss and Matt Campion. They're the co-creators of the standup sketch show. Hi guys. They run Spirit Media. Hi, lovely to, it'd be great to meet you. On set. They run Spirit Media. The dead sound.

Yeah, I've heard that. I've heard really good people yeah great humans yeah fantastic sorry i think i've got a strauss pubic mom um but i am we we've spoke we've had a couple of things recently that we've spoke about with regards to the comedy industry and stuff which we won't go into too much detail. Yes, we have. And I'm getting a bit... It's because of this. I love doing this podcast so much, and I love doing proper stand-up in a comedy club and on my own tours.

Apart from when I touch his dick. Go on. I don't really care about doing telly anymore. Like, there's shows I want to do. I want to do Live at the Apollo because it's the show that got me into stand-up, and it's the biggest show in, like, stand- i love what i like to you i think i'd be fucking good on it and i like taskmaster taskmaster as well yeah but they're fun like and the stand-up

sketch show i like doing but when like a new panel show pops up on like itv2 or e4 or whatever and there's like loads of comedians clamoring to do it, I don't give a shit. And if this Saturday Night Live thing come up, if I got offered the first season, I think I might go, I'm going to let you all jump on that grenade over there, and I'll wait until season two and see. Yeah.

I think also you're getting clever at playing the game, aren't you? So if Lorne Michaels, the one of the biggest producers in American comedy, was one of the producers of the UK one, you'd be like, this looks like it's got a budget. Yeah. And if Jonathan Ross was involved or something,

you'd be like, oh, well, you know what I mean? Like if there was names, but if it's just going to be the same people that are now basically like the C team on Mock the Week because it feels like when I catch Mock the Week

you've got like the guys who didn't move on no offence well that's true the guys who are virtually household names but haven't done what Frankie Boyle

or Russell Howard have achieved and sort of got stuck they're going it's kind of a decent earnings and it helps us sell tickets, but it all feels like they're stuck. And then you've got the guys that we know that are getting the crack at it. Like, Washu was on it and Josh Jones, who are like the polar opposite.

They're coming up. I bet that dressing room before that is an eggy place. I bet Mock the Week dressing room is like Jonglers was when I was there like 15 years ago going oh you're the old boys and you think you run the show and maybe I'm wrong

maybe they're an absolute fucking delight but I bet it's a bit like dry and like I also know what people get paid for mock the week which is essentially

fuck all because so you get a grand to do mock the week you get £1000 fuck all no but like no it is if it's TV it is because so you get a grand to do Mock the Week you get £1,000 fuck all no but

like no it is if a TV is I know no but it's not a grand is it so I know to our working class listeners

£1,000 to what looks like sit around and have a laugh for a couple of hours seems like a lot of money I would not be having a laugh on Mock the Week that would not make me

your agent takes 20% immediately so you're down to 800 I haven't got one you need you need to you need to pay a writer for a day's work or two i've got finn and they're 400 quid a day no they're not so often someone on mock the week isn't getting paid to be on it they're doing it for the exposure and it's it's a week of stress and then apparently i've been told from people who've been on it that i won't name because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. You can spend, they will go right, here's the

topics we're going to talk about because it's not off the cuff. Like, regardless of what, no, it's definitely not. It's well written, well ahead of time. So I know people who've been on it who have been told, right, you get £1,000 and then their agent has gone, right, well I've took my £200, you got £800, but if I was you

I'd spend that £800 on two writers, give them a date, and then you've got enough, right, well, I've took my 200 quid. You got 800. But if I was you, I'd spend that 800 on two writers, give them a date, and then you've got enough jokes and you can smash it, and then we get us back. And that's when you start making money because that's how the industry works. And then when you get your second episode,

you're like, you don't want to follow that up with a limp one. So why don't we get those two writers? They did a great job last time, didn't they? And who are the writers represented by? Well, surprise, surprise. I represent them as well and uh i know people who've done that spent their entire fee on writers and got like a load of jokes and then they've gone to the producers and gone here's my jokes and they've gone well uh let's just have a look no so that's too similar to one that hugh's doing

and oh dara's gonna do that so you can't do that. But those two at the end there, if you just do both of them, then we'll make sure one of them goes in the record. Oh, God. So people are spending a week, and, like, not to sort of be the fucking privileged man, and I do tell you, and it's dead hard. They were the ones as well that got across that. I do tell you, and it's dead hard, and do that shtick, but...

Like, it's stressful writing for telly when i did roast battle it was fucking stressful because i wrote 60 odd jokes and they were all rejected and it took ages and ages for roast battle the offensive tv show the the show where the your job is to offend the person in frontier and you've got lawyers going i can't say say that, that's offensive. This is what your show is. So imagine doing, and that's on Comedy Central, which is a non-terrestrial, non-publicly funded, supposed to be offended TV show. And that was hard to get things cleared for. Imagine trying to get stuff cleared

for eight o'clock Monday night, BBC, when there's three people on the show who've been there for years who get first dibs on the type of jokes I say.'s i'm i want to do am i i want to do tv that i think looks fun and obviously you know i i want a career and i want to be touring and i want to be doing all of that sort of stuff but i'm like when i started stand-up i wanted to be on every TV show. I wanted to do all of it. And I wanted to sort of be famous for stand-up. The more I get into little glimpses of what that might be like, the less I want it.

And I think I want to be successful on my own terms a lot more than successful because a gatekeeper has gone, here's a thing. God bless these fucking four walls. Yes, mate. I absolutely do. We've just had We've just had a weird few weeks Of this podcast where we've really

Upset some people And then we've had to navigate How we deal with that and agents get involved And we have to make a judgement call And it all starts feeling Like that writing process Of like, can't say that, can't say that, can't say that. Oh, that's a bit risque,

which is not what we built this on and not why we love it. You are accountable to the shit you say. I get it. You're still a fucking person. You can claim you're a comedian. You can claim you're a podcaster. You're still a human that has to interact with other humans online and in real life.

However, I would never want this podcast to end up in that process, that logistical creative process where agents, managers, sponsors, producers have a say of going through these notes and going, right, Dan, the prep for today's pod. No, no, you can't ask that. No, no, no, you can't ask that. Imagine that first section that we just ran off Before Adam gave his pretty

Fucking detailed breakdown of his morning Had a croissant, 9.15 Imagine how many times That would have been stopped On the BBC How many times? Basically, this episode Tied up in a dungeon and bummed to death

So there was a witness necessary So that they could make sure She dungeon and bummed to death this episode so there was a witness necessary so that they could make sure she was definitely bummed to death and it wasn't suspicious circumstances and that's TV licence payers

the episode would have started at do you know how to pay your TV licence fucking no I'm just I hope we never

end up in that sort of fucking game also like our MO literally from the start we never like at in that sort of fucking game. Also, like, our MO, literally from the start, we never sort of, like, at times we're defensive on this podcast and we say inappropriate things.

And we never, when we put this podcast together, it was never like, that's what we're going to do. It's gone that way because the MO we set out, literally word for word is, if I can make you laugh and you make me laugh, as comics, people are going to be pissing themselves that's literally what we said from the start wasn't it like from week one it was let's try and make each other laugh and that'll reach the people at home and comedy at

its core and this is the reason people don't like seeing the same jokes two tours in a row comes from surprise and it's very very difficult to surprise another comic, because most comics can see where you're going, so the reason that this has become the inappropriate, like, offensive podcast, is because it has to be for me to make Dan Nightingale laugh, and it has to be for Dan Nightingale to make Adam Rowe laugh, and that's what we do on here, and that's why we cross the line, and that's why we will continue to cross the line, and okay, sometimes people are going to go, that's not right, we don't think it's right,'re not doing it to quote the great dave chapelle we're not doing this to be right we didn't come here to be right we had when when that kicked off a couple of weeks ago when we got some complaints about a clip we put out on twitter and if you are

a patron of this podcast you know in detail that we won't go into today what it was about when that kicked off those people going they need educating on these subjects and it's like no we don't because we don't want to be right about them we want to be funny about them and the funny comes from being wrong we're not trying to educate people we're trying to make another dickhead sat a yard away piss himself laughing people really try and do struggle with the boundaries of like spoken word and being absurd to make people laugh like like satire and jokes and absurdity is meant to be funny it's meant to elicit a response if it was all just factual it wouldn't work as comedy every time like people just get this weird thing of like well that didn't make me laugh and

therefore i feel like it's an offensive statement you're like that's not how it works like some of these things are meant to be absurd yeah they're not meant to believe them wholeheartedly like they're they're silly they're trying to make you laugh sometimes it doesn't work sometimes it does but just because you don't agree that it's funny doesn't mean that you're like, we need to shut it down. Good grief, guys. Fairly quick, made a really good point.

That's what producers do, isn't it? Before it happens, they try and stop the problem before it happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go the other way. We have the problem and then backtrack from there. We don't really backtrack, are we? No, I know.

We're fucking around. That's why we're're here we're here to make a gentle laugh get your dick out let me flick it i'm not getting my dick out i can't touch your nipples go on what did freddy say touch his dick with your nipples touch his nipples you there freddy said it's it's quite interesting the scrutiny offensive comedy gets put under because if if you go and see a comedian and he's upside down

with a bucket on his head talking with his feet and it's just absurd surrealist nonsense and you're not into that people just go I don't like that that's not for me

and they leave and they never talk about it again and he's like why can't people do that with offensive comedy and go that's not for me so I just won't watch that.

Do you know what I mean? Just turn it off. Just turn it off. Not happening anymore. Yeah. That's the thing with the internet. Here we are on our little corner. Well, I had to type in the name of the podcast.

I love him. He said, just look away. He said, how does it exist? Just don't look at it. I love Tom Segura's routine on his ball hog special. When he's like, people come up to him after shows and tell him they're offended by jokes. He's like, you've got the right to be offended.

You don't have the right to expect anyone to do anything about it. He says, my children come up to me sometimes and one of them will go, it's loud over there. And I'll go, is it? Well, then don't go over there. Okay, good. And then I kiss him on the head. that's how i'm gonna start dealing with adults who get upset by jokes at comedy shows well you should never hear anything you don't

want to hear so bye bye you stay home now oh my god ball hogs so good it starts with that thing about the uh the kid at the park like her and his kid and he was like I will take your my shit eat my ass just the way he threatens to like fucking hurt another child

I'll kick your chest through your back but it's so funny because as a parent you're like oh my god that articulates exactly how you feel

like Etta got scratched by a girl at nursery who's three and Etta was three it's fair fight she maybe lost the fight but nursery like right etta has been scratched and you're like all right cool well turns out i'm gonna have to uh punch a three-year-old in the fucking head so you're gonna take her to home like no no she's in the car i'm just waiting it i'm waiting to see i'm do you know

where sophia is as dad wants to see her that's the only by the gates. Do you know where Sophia is? Yeah, as dad wants to see her. That's the only thing I'm worried about, about being a parent. The only thing. Kicking the fuck out of a three-year-old. Do you know if someone Gerard! Hurt someone I love, right?

Like genuinely, I've got no, there's no threshold for tolerance for me. Like, I'm more likely, if you upset me or attack me, I'm more likely to let that go than if someone hurts Carl, my little brother, my dad, my missus, my cousin, my auntie. I will kill someone and I will go to prison with a smile on my face. I'll wink at the judge as he sends me down for 20 years

i really really will and if it's my flesh and blood my child that i've raised if another child hurts that if i go to the parent and i'm like your child ain't mine we need sorted out if that parent has got any level of non-remorse i will i'll end up in a cell and i know it's coming and i really don't know how to handle it i am not joking i literally look at my daughter and i go if you know when people kill like have children die and stuff i will not be like i forgive i just hope they get the counseling in prison i will murder that person yeah and i'll be like, do you know what? I'm going to, my whole life is ruined anyway. So I might as well have a ruined life in prison going,

yeah, but at least it's one all. Yeah. Oh, that's how that will go down. And if someone kills Laura, I'll be fuming. Fuming. Fuming. No, that I'll be pissed off about. I'll be fuming no that I'll be pissed off about I'll be fuming

but if someone kills my daughter there'll be a murder there'll be a murder there'll be a murder there'll be a murder there'll be a murder I'd get you involved I reckon you

you know we'll do it on Patreon tag it Dan's revenge murder remember this week half an hour's notice I'll be there with two bazookas and a newsie you know we'll do it on Patreon tag it Dan's revenge murder remember this week half an hour's notice I'll be there with two bazookas

and a newsie Scott it's John on the phone we're going for revenge murder you can't kill someone for revenge with a bazooka yes it would be the most satisfying

you hurt a member of my family stay there in Liverpool though is that Adam Rowe with a bazooka oh shit love the podcast lab nice for me can i have a picture two seconds do you know last week they might be listening to this so i took me a girlfriend to get a vaccination she's um she's a just remember this is a public episode yes it is my wife's so pregnant and annoyed

and while she was in there two people stopped and mentioned the podcast and the first one went Adam lad, Adam bro loving the podcast mate, keep them up and he just drove off and the second one this is, you know Dinah's Lane yeah, like in sort of the heightened page

mossy area of liverpool rough as fuck um and it's me missus was getting a jab at a chemist that's where they're doing it they've turned the chemist into a vaccination i love these changing places yeah it used to be a pet shop and now they do vaccinations you get a free mouse go on but uh this fella stopped like in this shit hole of a car. I'm sorry. And he was like, Adam, you all right, lads? Are you with Dan? And I was like...

I'm not sure if I just went like... What's up? I'm just trying to touch his dick with my nipples. I was like, why the fuck would I be with Dan Nightingale? Waiting outside a... Do you think I've brought Dan for his vaccination? In Dinah's Lane in Liverpool? For fuck's sake.

Wait, are you with Dan? Yeah. There he is. Getting his Danny jabs, isn't he? Amazing. I love it when... Bless to that guy. I love it when...

I love it. Right, guys. I can't believe I've just threatened murder on someone That doesn't exist but it felt actually quite good To do it We've got a A mate of ours Coming on I'm really looking forward to Chatting to him Elliot Steele is our guest today

I've had a fight with this lad in the past Punched him in the face dead hard He's a good egg Got a couple of stories I'm looking forward to telling Elliot Steele is our guest today. I've had a fight with this lad in the past. Punched him in the face dead hard. He's good. He's a good egg. Got a couple of stories I'm looking forward to telling with Elliot. So tune in after the break from the money cunts. Do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world?

Well, I do, but I'm sick of getting beat by the bookies. Now, I've been going to bettinggods.com since they started sponsoring this podcast. They're a great sponsor to have on board, and they are the best tipsters in the betting game. Anything from tennis to ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now, and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners.

Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets. You to be winning your bets bettingguards.com they're gonna help you do that and we are bad are you ticklish uh yes are you yeah yeah yeah really no i didn't know i wasn't that wasn't i've not consented i'm just saying you know because i'm really ticklish but me missus it's really annoying because normally when when i've been in past relationships if someone pisses me off you just tickle them and they fuck off she's not ticklish anyway uh elliot steals here what a what an opening

do you want to expand on it i think there's nothing more off-putting than when you're trying to tickle someone and they're like yeah she's not it does nothing to me there's one little spot on it and it's like here that's ticklish but the rest of it fuck all me um elliot that's what we've brought you up for thank you we're really hard hitting we're edgy we're you know we're pissing off some minority groups are you ticklish well i don't want to offend any of the ticklish community i'm quite uh they're a bit touchy. I'm an annoying person to tickle because I kick when I'm tickled. I'm like, I proper giggle and laugh, but it's torture.

So everyone around you thinks you're having... So you kick people? I'm probably like... Like a Japanese schoolgirl level kind of... You have sort of convulsions and you've trained as a kickboxer, so that's a dangerous it's my best move I've just got to hope the opponent tickles me

what fighting are you still doing because you've trained I haven't for the last for the last year I'd picked up jiu jitsu I say pick it up but I was

I was terrible at it I was just white belt but then I've done Muay Thai for about three four years and then can I tell that story boxing no oh when i got if we're gonna tell the most embarrassing story of my life yeah absolutely

oh of course we could tell this story there you go so elliot straight into this podcast and i'm gonna jump in at places just to put a bit i come across as a dickhead no you don't you don't i don't not the way i'm gonna tell it do you know the second half to this story no i don't think so so you can fill that in so um me and elliot a couple years ago at the edinburgh festival you know rich massara i do yeah our friend he started a similar time to me uh comic based in manchester you know this is the story i was on about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he does a show at the Edinburgh Festival every year. I don't even know what it's called, but essentially two comics.

It's at the Banshee's Labyrinth. Is that the one? In the little cinema room that they have. So there's about 50, 60 people in there. It's full. It's free to get in. And the concept of the show is, you know at the Free Fringe,

people pay a donation at the end? Well, he doesn't do that. He has two comics on stage with him and a movie playing, right? And it's the comic's job to take the piss out of the film and just be like, what the fuck's going on here? So the added little extra to it is, instead of donating at the end, like every 15 minutes of the show,

they have a whip around in the audience and then the bar the venue give them a bottle of jaeger meister at cost which is about 20 quid so he gets 20 quid off the whole audience they all put like 50p in and then he goes and gets a bottle of jaeger or two whatever he's got enough for and everyone just gets free jaeger meister it's just a piss up while two comics are taking the piss out of a film and me and elliot did armageddon no no no you you were, do you want to do it with me? I went, yeah. You picked Armageddon.

I went, great. Armageddon's three hours long. It's a three and a half hour film. And the whole point of the show is you get pissed. And Daniel, like, Adam chooses this epic of a film. And then so I'm there just, well, yeah. Then I just, I just get, we got tanked. How do you get a venue for three hours of a film?

Cause it's like, it doesn't start until like half past midnight. Oh, it's the late show. Yeah, it's not, it's not a family

and kids show at 12 in the afternoon. Little Timmy, how do you get a kid? Sort that cough right out. Yeah, so we got absolutely hammered.

This, this, this, you love Armageddon, it's so funny. I don't love Armageddon, well, I uh you love armageddon it's so funny i don't know why i got defensive but i fucking don't i don't love armageddon i just think it's really fun just a steve beshemi fan um it is the most ridiculous like michael bay kind of just no put like is there's a bit where all i remember is when they uh go to get one of their drillers who they've got to send to space yeah to blow up an asteroid yeah that is the plot i've not yeah that is it right they they do it with like rap music and all these like helicopters are

coming over to get him and you just go wouldn't you could just phone him you could just surely there's like nasa or somebody just has this guy's number You don't have to send the whole army in to go. They have to come and see you. Hey, mate, by the way, we've just got a job for you, if you can buy it. Have you seen the interview with Ben Affleck, where he gets asked, basically, because for those who don't know the plot of Armageddon,

there's an asteroid heading to Earth, and NASA figure out that the only way to stop it is to fly to the asteroid, land on it, and drill a hole and put a nuclear weapon in it to blow it up. So the reason, so what they do is

they go to Bruce Willis and his drilling team and they send them to space to do the drilling to put the thing. And they all work on the offshore rigs, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all like oil drillers. And they're quite the bunch of characters. Oh, Dan, you would not believe it. Oh, Dan, you would not believe it. Oh, pretty varied bunch of rogues. They don't like taking orders from the establishment.

But there's an interview with Ben Affleck where they go, and there's a black one. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. But when they put their differences aside, they get the job done. They come from different places. Maybe if we all work together in society with our differences and had a black one,

we could put it all... We could all work it out. What a borderline racist allegory. I think that's the moral of Armageddon. I think that's what they were going for. Get yourself a black friend. You can save the world. Yeah.

Same as Thundercat but but there's an interview with Ben Affleck where he basically the interviewer says something along the lines and I'm paraphrasing he goes

did you ever think at some point during the film that maybe it would have been easier to teach astronauts how to drill rather than drillers how to be astronauts

and he just goes yeah next question no no no he goes he goes I and he just goes yeah next question he goes he goes i asked he goes i asked michael bay he goes i brought this up to michael bay and he just went shut the fuck up you know when you're making a script or something you're like i got my a plot b plot c plot now let's look for if there's any holes and in the writers room they went well there's that big one and they just went no one will notice no one wants to notice if you're sat during armor getting going this really isn't this is ridiculous i love it fucking astronauts look boring you definitely want drilling teams well they're the most calm people in the world if you ever watch an interview

they're healthy they sleep a lot they're're in good shape. Joe's. Calm. No, the astronauts. Yeah, if you ever watch an interview with them, they're like, and then there was a time where we were circling this bit of the Earth and something went wrong. They're completely boring cunts. Well, we worked together and we fixed it. And you're like, no, I want explosion,

and you met an alien, and now the government's... Bruce Willis and his team of fucking lunatics. Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon they just value them up all, astronauts? So they're all... Valium a pick up one what's the one Valium's a

calmer isn't it maybe they're all just Valium'd off their tits and that's what that's the key to being an astronaut I think they just pick people that are calm and boring and can handle all of that

oh god one of the engines has exploded oh we'll just get on with it can't have you going lad lad Houston we've got a big

content problem no no I'm not joking lad my anxiety You can't have you going, lad, lad, Houston, we've got a big content problem. No, no, I'm not joking, lad. My anxiety, my health anxiety has gone through the fucking roof. You don't want to hear a big bang. That'd scare you. The next thing you don't want to hear is the person in charge going, ah!

Just crying in the corner. You're not gonna. We are fucked. Fancy first on the phone. I need to ring me dad. I've seen someone. Tell him to feed the fucking dog. I've seen Adam deal with Mackie's getting his order wrong.

I would not want to be with him on the International Space Station. That's really the collision course with the national. Oh my God. Be good astronaut. order wrong I would not want to be with him on the international space station oh my god be a good astronaut so what happened during Armageddon the view what a dangerous game

that is two bottles of Jägermeister a midnight show in Armageddon and you two lit it was two at a time it was two bottles of Jägermeister

between 50 people every 15 minutes like it was a constant onslaught and we've got beers while we're doing it as well it's. Like it was a constant onslaught. And we've got beers while we're doing it as well. It's just a con. It was like the, the,

it was like the lockdown locking by the sounds of it. It was worse than that. So we're hammered. All of us had our tops off. Cheering you on. Just at the end of the story, I went sober for three months and ended up in therapy. Rob Mulholland still sober.

That was like, that's from the same night. So, um, at one point, the entire audience had their tops off including the women like tops off the whole audience were all singing doing selfies i'm sure i've got a video we can slide in here maybe on my phone at some point from that night oh god there's no video evidence of that night i think there might be um your phone has got so many videos and pictures it's a massive like adam goes oh you remember that thing from last year yeah there it is i can't do anything yeah i don't pay for iCloud storage you can keep

adam one time on facebook i was i was out with adam in liverpool street and i just started buying nitrous oxide of these really dodgy guys and just started hammering it. And Adam decided he should film it. And then like a couple of weeks later, just on Facebook, there's this video of me. Fuck's going, yeah, bro, we're doing that. And I'm like, take that down.

My man's on it. He got some balloons and I was like, I don't do drugs, I'm not doing anything. We need to get some more. Just in the middle of Jordan. I am in no position to judge. Last time me and Elliot gigged together, I don't know how much detail we could go into,

but we basically got some fucking drugs and went for a three hour walk. We were like, should we get some stuff in? We were like, yeah, yeah. We didn't have anywhere to go. The hotel rooms were tiny. It was quite a nice mild evening.

So we basically got coked up and had a three hour walk around Brighton. It was fucking great. Dan does drugs like a dad. That's all I can say. He does it like a dad who's away for the weekend. This is his one, you could tell this is his one thing.

And he's like, no fucking about mate, by midnight I'm in bed because I'm up tomorrow. This is the best. This is us, we did some, then went for a massive walk. We were still like a bit high

and we had some left. So we basically went to the hotel, did some more and then went, should we go out for another walk? So we did, we like did two halves to it. I've honestly shat every bit of shit under the sun. And Brighton's

one of those places that you can walk around bollocks at like midnight and it's not a hassle there's some towns and town centres where it's not

a great idea but Brighton they were like what mate it was fucking brilliant but you don't want to be doing that in Birmingham

do you I don't know there's always I always think of like some of those like towns like Middlesbrough I don't think a like some of those like towns like Middlesbrough, I don't think a 1am coked up walk around

Middlesbrough town centre is the best idea. Let's go look at that trolley and that burnt out car going to this. Were you there that night in Brighton? No, I wasn't there for that.

No, you weren't there. I was in the group chat because I heard of the disgrace you made of yourself. Yeah. What happened in Brighton, Adam? I just got my dick out and had a piss on the dance floor. because I heard of the disgrace you made of yourself. Yeah. What happened in Brighton, Adam?

I just got me dick out and had a piss on the dance floor. I'm not even kidding. You've done that before. Is that Sophie Ellis Beck's song? He's done that before. He's pissing on the dance floor. That's Adam's dance move. He's ruined them fucking shoes.

Hey. And now there's no more room Cause he's got a big fucking whipper Yeah I'm never in more of a state Than when I hang out with that clique of lads We've calmed down a little bit I think Yeah but a little bit for that Is still high level innit

Yeah I mean it was It was like a group of like It very much like Touch it masculine We could do this I think there's a lot more Career orientation Especially for myself because i fucked up that fringe yeah like i totally fucked that up because i was easy to do in it oh i had a great time but uh when the

month ends and you know everyone's like no we're going back to get on with our careers and lives that we formed for myself and i'm like i haven't even paid off my coke debt let alone the flyers and you've been for so many walks so what the armageddon night so we're hammered tops off we're singing i don't want to miss a thing at the end of the film towards the end of it or maybe that was halfway through the film i don't think we got near the end anywhere near the end of that film. Is it Aerosmith? Elliot went out for a ciggy. Is that right? Yeah. I think so, yeah.

I went out for a cigarette. You left the building for a reason. This is where I disgrace myself, isn't it? Yeah. And that's when the doorman went to him, you're not coming back in. I was just in my boxers, by the way. To your own show. Yeah, to my...

I was just in my boxers, and I've walked out i'm like in a pair of shoes just having a cigarette and to be fair this doorman has every right to go no this is like an establishment and he's like put me pants are in there yeah i remember that i was trying to believe it go well what do i do here mate do i just walk off with no clothes or do you like can i at least go get them if i could go get them you might as well let me stay cause I've just put them on.

The only issue is I'm not in clothes. That's all the issue is here. The clothes are in here. So if you just let me in there to either get them and leave, I've still got to put them on, it's problem solved. He's like, mate, listen, I've got no clothes on. What, neither is anyone in there. You can't be excluding people who have ironed clothes.

Was that Kevin Webster? I'm not making for Rosa. That's what I do after a few Yeagers. I turn Geordie for some reason. And then I believe you threatened to beat the Dormin off. I didn't. And he said, I know my time.

I know my time. I trained my time. It got to that point where he was like, he did that Dorman thing of, I understand why he's not letting me in, but he's gone to that point of, well, fuck you. I've made my decision and I will not be reasonable. You're now coming at me with,

like anyone with a modem of power, you're coming at me with a level of logic of like, hey dude, it's a show where we all drink my mates for some reason chose a five-day film uh we're all gonna have these yeagers someone's gonna end up without clothes on if it's just that be grateful you know what i mean no probably not my best point i've ever made but well i don't know what i'm saying it back it's kind of right you can't allow someone to play armageddon with you you can make that and expect them to keep also he's a bouncer a venue at the edinburgh festival it's not like he's like all bar one cheltenham you know like we've never had any behavior like this what an international arts

festival no one's ever acted the twat if this was richard osman it would be a completely different story if i was him they'd welcome me in I, so he wasn't letting me in. He then got, I think a bit threatening. And I was like, oh cool. Because I was drunk. He would have fucked me up. He would have beat sevens. You know, he would have beat the crap out of me.

And you were in your underpants. And I'm in my underpants. Ready for the fight though? Like a UFC fighter. I don't think you want to get squatted in your knickers. No, you don't want to be the guy known as he was ready for the fight and still lost it. He came prepared in all the gears. Like if you turn up to the gym in the full UFC kit,

you know what I mean? It was going to be a compliment. And then you still lost the fight. No. If anyone turns up for five a side, your chin pads, they're going in gold. Yeah.

It's equivalent to're turning up in like yellow boots or like pink boots yeah you better be good he so i got turned away but that's the same night that i ended up kissing kate smurfway oh yeah yeah yeah was that that night that was that night oh fuck you know kate smurfway says why does that made me nervous him saying that so kate smurf phrase is a feminist activist as well as comedian who is could have said comedian first is she not coming on this in a few weeks yeah yeah she's the next she's here tonight hi kate um i think elias as well and forgive me for saying this if you think it's inaccurate, I think you are the antithesis of everything she stands for as a human being

everything she stands for? yeah you should be the last, like if there was a queue of men, if Tinder was real life and she put them in order of who she would kiss, you'd be near the back of that

queue, but I learnt a lesson from Armageddon to put our differences aside and come together in this love salad from the green mile in the loft bar go leave and yeah it was she's the very antithesis of everything you stand for, but a great kisser. She's great. She's very gentle. Yeah, because we did our first ever Edinburgh Fringe together. We did.

When I did the Big Value Showcase, I did it with a 17-year-old Elliot Steele. Oh, you were so young when you were first gigging. I was such a cunt when I was that age as well. I don't remember you being a cunt. I just remember someone being like, oh, Elliot Steele's on and being like, I think I might have worked with you when you were 18 for the first time.

I think so, yeah. And being like, oh, it's just annoying. Like, even though you were good and you were sound and you were absolutely worth it, but it makes you annoyed at yourself for being like, why wasn't I doing paid work at 18? Like, it's just, it's very young. It's very young, but it doesn't.

So I think that's like the uni years of my life. And so i think that that's like the uni years of my life and i treated those years in comedy like the uni years of my life so that set me back i think it actually set me back if i'd come into comedy at like 25 and being like you gotta turn up and do the work and do all of this stuff but instead i was like 18 that's the second day i met adam he told me a story where he'd shat in a bush on the night home so this is the people i was hanging out with at age seven. That was the first. At least it wasn't on a dance floor, thank fuck.

Have you shit on a dance floor? No. Oh no. No, I haven't. No. What would it take? And you better not kill the dude. What would it take for you to shit on a dance floor?

Two more drinks. Than I had in Brighton probably some spiced meat do you remember the the when we were in

the car just gave me a real like do you remember the I've made a terrible mistake thing in Ed's flat oh fuck yeah

we sprayed just yeah yeah yeah so we i was very very hung over obviously like so that was 2014 so i'm 22 and i was deemed the senior of that you were the mature one i had an 18 year old ed and a 17 year old elliot who were doing some total of 11 minutes each. And we... Tight 20. Tight as fuck, mate. And I had to make up the extra time. Donald pulled me to one side at one point and he was like,

you need to be doing bits as well. You've never seen someone stretch out how funny being 17 is. And then I couldn't get drinks here is the punchline to this other joke. Isn't your first few Edinburgh's a brutal when you're like, oh, this is harder. This feels like there's more people watching.

When you're at clubs, you're like, yeah, I'm a young comic. I can put this together. There's only three other comics on. These crowds seem quite happy. And then you get to Edinburgh when you're young and everyone's like, go on then. You're like, I don't feel like I've done all my homework. It's a lot of pressure that first few.

We went back to Ed Hedgesges flat after one of the shows one day to get a bit of lunch and then just sit around talking shit for a bit and we're all very very hungover because we've got out and got hammered the night before and uh they're in the living room and i went for one of my famous poos you know what i mean and you've smelt them and you know i don't even know these guys like infamous yeah i i don't even know these guys a few days maybe a week or 10 days or something so i didn't really want to leave them with a stank so i'm sat on the toilet and i can smell it and then i was like they can't walk into this so i'm just gonna grab that deodorant and spray it everywhere and that should hopefully cover it and then what they heard from the living room was, boys, I've made a terrible mistake.

And I'd grabbed shaving foam. So they walked into a shit-smelling room covered in, with me, shaving foam, because I'd just grabbed it and gone, Our first response was, So I'm just stood there, stinking of shit. As it expands As it slowly expands

We thought he shat foam We We were all just there Adam you're not well But that show Because we were on at what 12.30 12.30 every day

Like was the The start time of that So dangerous But it was amazing At how Unprofessional because we started realizing nobody was nobody gave a fuck no one was watching daryl's not there daryl couldn't give a shit well he probably could but he's you know someone's ripped him off for five quid somewhere so he's

in an argument about that like he's so he's we are really saying hello to a few people on this one. Singing hi to a couple of old friends. I've noticed, as I've got it, there's like been a nervy energy from Dan. He's just sat there. I love it. But I also, I know that I'm going to be answering the emails. Oh, hi, Kate. I'm really acting like the pandemic is going to go on forever and work is never coming back. I'm acting like, you know, when you see an old school teacher

and you're like, I always thought you were a cunt, but then I remember, oh, I'm still in year five. I've got to go in. Donald watched one of the shows about five or six days in and he pulled me to a side

because you and Ed were young and they'd been given the spot to just have the spot. Ed had just won So You Think You're Funny. He's like the new new yeah i'm coming elliot's like comedy prodigy just signed with the big agents and they they'd been given this because like they're the they're the future of comedy they get the thing but they they didn't have the full 20 that they needed so daryl turned up one day and he put what's on side he went are

they doing like 11 minutes every day and i went yeah he went no wonder it's finishing shows he went you need to be doing like 15 to 20 on top of your comp here and so i started comparing and then in between in between everyone doing a 10 minute set you started doing adam rowan friends at your first yeah turned big value into rowey bags and mates but we would all do it was great fun like even though the month like the first i don't know how you guys find your first edinburgh but it was hell like i look back and i go I wasn't happy during that but I look back and go oh that was so much fun

yeah yeah that was nobody gave a fuck it was it was the greatest time ever and we would start trying to get things I know we've talked about this before

trying to get things into into our sets yeah yeah yeah and uh what was we gave each other like funny things but then we'd give Ed like something like

really serious. Like it would be like- Oh, so you challenged each other before the show to be like, make sure you say this. Oh yeah, it would be like, Adam's would be like, deep throat bonanza. And then my one would be like, banana cream pie. And then Ed's would be like, correctional rape.

And then Beyonce's like- Good luck, Ed. And Ed's on stage shitting luck Ed and Ed's on stage shitting himself like what if just for laughs are in and he's

and he's young enough to think but I've got to say it I've definitely got to say it can't lose face oh my god I mean I can fuck up

my career but I'm going to lose a bet but that's that's the thing when you're young you're quite like your first Edinburgh's are a's the thing when you're going to a coin delight. Your first Edinburgh's are a roller coaster.

When you're excited, you're so excited. It's almost like your first relationship, isn't it? It's all like, oh my God, this is going to be amazing. And then the nights out are the most fun thing ever. The hangovers are hell. When you're down, you're down. At like four or five Edinburgh's in, you're like, yeah, it's fine. It's all right.

It's good. Doing decent shows. It just levels out. It gets easier to just cap the I don't think I'm ever going back for the full run

said this before and I'm going to keep saying it so that I bring it to reality I'm not going back for the full run because I don't want to

I don't like it and I don't want to so I'm not doing it it'd be nice to go up if we could find a venue for a week to do a little run of have a word lives.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll do two or three shows. I'd love to just not advertise it to our fans. Right. And do what we do to your typical Pleasance audience. Just fly. We're not doing what I just said at the Pleasance.

No, but that's built for you guys. This will hunt in the Guardian. It's built for this. The Pleasance, this podcast is perfect. You should do it in the courtyard unannounced. Go great. You should shop a stall next to the guy who sells halloumi wraps or whatever the fuck they're doing up there. I want to be in the same venue that you watched Armageddon i want to be in that bad news now that i've been

on here you're not getting that venue that show nearly got cancelled after that night like they pulled bitch to a side and was like that was too far if that ever happens again we will cancel i do i do owe him a massive apology i don't know know. That's part of the... Well, this is now an apology podcast. Oh, hang on. Go for it. That's what we do, honey. An apology. We're ready.

To Rich Mishala and the people of the Banshee Labyrinth, including the bouncer, I just want to let you know that I let myself down. I let my family down. You've done this before. He's been speaking to the same lawyers we had on the phone last week now do daryl it's a daryl martin no don't i want to let you know i couldn't

give a fuck no uh no but i've had to do it i had to do it when uh with well i went to sarah pasco at some point but i don't know if you guys want to touch on all of this. We can touch on that, yeah. You sort of briefly mentioned it before we started recording. This is making me sweat in the ass. I love it. I don't want to drag you guys into it if you're... Ah, we're in. You've got a story to tell.

If you're in it. No, because I don't want to come in here and then like, I'll just have a good time and leave and then like, I go, oh, we're going to do that again at some point. You're like, oh, we lost everything. What we'll do is we'll let elliot tell his story we'll give him our platform to do so we we don't need to add anything to it you don't need to say anything bad about anyone and we'll just you know i i i think it's exactly what people that watch this podcast want and enjoy think it's kind of they want the honesty they like it it's a fucking comedy podcast it's opiate

anthony level like you know it's that sort of thing but the i have just on that no not looking forward to gigging in london next time when i'm like hello people that never come to roncorn i was uh yeah i was on another comedy podcast. Yeah. Main word there, comedy. Yeah. And I did like a story, like it was interjected by Jamali and Kai. And they were just sort of doing things. And Sarah Pascoe took what I said

and what we all said out of context and put it in a book about sex work. Why she's writing a book on sex work i don't know she's never done sex work she's never got a sex worker so it's kind of like someone going i'm gonna write you know write a book about being a cab driver i'm never gonna get in a cab i'm never gonna become one but here's my opinion on all of this and it's a good booking you know i was listening to i was enjoying it and then i was listening to an audio and then my name pops up and she starts dragging us into it now out of context what we said looked really bad yeah yeah but that's why it was funny i don't i don't know

it's not a funny matter because i don't know i don't think you've ever been through this i don't appreciate you laughing at my woe i was just thinking if you transcribed the script of have a word the podcast oh my god that would make for something if you write it down with a whole thing dude imagine the first half of today what if the queen was bummed to death said adam does she take it in the arse he speculated playfully this is a question i asked my dad the other day i went do you reckon the queen's ever earnestly been called a cunt by someone she knows do you reckon anyone's ever gone to her like look you're just being a cunt here like but about something in the house she's like going well you're

sat on the remote and i'm not sat on the remote are you are you and then she just someone goes look you're being a cunt about this like genuinely said it i reckon charles has got that in him i don't think charles but i reckon philip because i don't but that's an interesting thing someone in this world has never earnestly been called a cunt i must fuck with you a little bit i think it could be her i reckon charles might have done it behind their back rather than to her face like i want to be the king when's this cunt gonna die it's not the same it's like the same as if a line of people are there to meet you i'm sure someone in line is shouted out you're a cunt you'll manage to see something but someone you know like if i was doing something like on that night and you came to me with elliot mate you're being a cunt right now yeah i'd go oh fucking hell i'm being a cunt but she's probably

never had that said to her it shows and it shows yeah yeah so anyway so sarah pascoe she was being a cunt so what did you say what how nervous you have to wash your seat down later i feel really i'm more scared of sarah pascoe than the queen not even talking about i i like sarah like i do it's just you wrote shit about me what what did you say we need to know what you said it needs to be contextualized well does it yeah yeah of course it's like this is the thing right with things like this we're fucking about do you know i mean sometimes it's funny to sit there with mates and fuck about and say the wrong thing because that's that's funny and in the context of a podcast where you've built a relationship with people

that's a funny thing to do and when people you've just written the blurb for our work in life basically that's exactly what we're dicking about there's a relationship like i'll listen to this right there's there's things where we will laugh at like there'll be a joke made about your mom or we could do a joke about it like it's done because there's a relationship there and that's fine and the people in the relationship can watch it people outside of it if they just see a snippet of that and go it's that that's the problem with society it's like no you fucking idiots we aren't saying that this is the we should all behave like this it's like funny to think if we did think like that yeah there's a lot of people out there who think like that and we're we're satirizing we spoke about this in the first half you're trying to make

comedians laugh and comedy comes from surprise and it's very hard to surprise a comedian without being, without going too far. So you have to go too far to make a comic laugh

a lot of the time. And you're trusting that the people that are watching sort of get it. It's not like being at a comedy club on a Saturday night

where people have just turned up and it's a party atmosphere, don't know you. We basically assume that we all know each other you're our mate you know our sense of humor everyone watching knows and then all of a sudden out of context clipped out in front of the wrong person it sounds awful yeah and it's but

it's also that thing you're saying about comedy club in a comic you still have like 10 minutes in the first part you set where you can build a relationship with the audience so then you can so like i sometimes do more risque jokes and but i'd make sure maybe that's five minutes in or i put one in early just to let you know what the fuck i'm about rather than fair play to anyone if they just walk on and do that opening gambit and it's dark it's class yeah yeah if you walk on you'll be like thanks very much the thing about pedos is like you're like whoa it's it's interesting and i like that kind of comedy but i'm i can understand when he's not doing the week. I've started doing that though.

Yeah. Especially. There's not loads of you though, is there? No, but I find it quite fun to just set me stall out at a comedy club. Like this, I don't know whether I'm allowed to say this, but I'll just say it anyway, because why not?

Why not just completely drive everything into the ground? I got in trouble last year. I was, I won't name the brand, but I was linked with a brand, right? And I put a joke out at the start of the pandemic, which was essentially, it's only going to kill old people, and do we really need as many as we've got anyway?

Let them all die. And that was my opening joke for ages. I was just walking on stage, and when we, I twisted it, when we come back from lockdown i was like uh you know all your nans are dead and i'm not arsed and to be abrasive at the start i found funny but then the brand i was linked with tried to get that joke taken off the internet and i was like i'm not i'm not doing it here's why here's why i think like brands and uh left can go fuck themselves. Yeah. And I say this as someone raised in like the back of SWP meetings and all of this stuff. Like I was raised as fucking idiots think brands are their friends and they are morons.

HSBC sponsors gay pride in London. HSBC takes money off Hezbollah who throw gay people off of roofs. And people go, oh, thank God. They might as well have a meet there I bet there was some corporate psychopath in that meeting going look we've been caught doing this buy a rainbow flag and make those you know flat puffs just one second allegedly not shame as alpha it's fascinating it's

it's interesting I'm just trying It's interesting I'm just trying to talk Less than you two But this is This is the thing Look up Look what he's done to Dan

If that chair had wheels on He'd be over there He's like Ah I'm off So would you rather Have flippers off but that that like clientele and way of thinking is now uh affecting comedy where it is just like no no we're fucking about we're saying something funny and we're recording it we're putting it out there and this is a new thing and you guys are at the front of that in the uk so you're getting this brunt of it that I don't think people have had in the UK yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not, so when people go, does cancel culture exist? Yeah, it's not always going to lead to a cancelling, but I've been in writers room where you go, let's put this funny joke in

and people go, oh, there's a hypothetical woke person who might start a Twitter storm and that's going to stop this. We just talked about it before, yeah. Sorry, I'm going over. No, no, no, no, no, no. It it right oh sorry i'm going no no no no no it is in writing people go no no no can't do that's funny that's funny in the context of this

this is funny and people go i just i don't know and i get it i don't blame these people but then when you've got people who are comedy producers and promoters and fucking comedians if you're a comedian and you throw other comedians under the bus go fuck yourself get back to your drama degree you're not involved in this like it's getting a round of applause for that baby

I hate that that was the most lacklustre round of applause it was on there he's got an applause on the soundboard I thought we'd all be able to hear it

you've just got no headphones on Andrew Schultz quoted from the Planet of the Aes that ape don't kill ape do you know what i mean and comics shouldn't kill comics shouldn't throw another comic under the bus every comic should be like he was trying to be funny it's that patrice o'neill interview where he's up against the woman have the right yeah you like the the you've got the right to

attempt to be funny and if you don't be if, if it doesn't work, then you made a mistake and you move on. But the attempt is what he was trying to fight for. And that's what every comic, in my opinion, should be standing for. The hypocrisy of a comedian

then going, awful joke, terrible. You're like, you cannot be a proper comedian and then be so hypocritical and so short-sighted to go, well, that's awful.'re like god almighty who are

you pandering to who are you trying to make your crowd they're pandering to a lot of the producers this is a big problem in uk comedy is the people who produce comedy on uk tv certainly the newer shows and obviously there's exceptions there's a lot of producers i really like and i really like working with but there's a lot of people who are just you know they've just come out of oxbridge and they're just like well for the last four years me and all of my friends have thought this so i'm just going to keep that as my personality forever now and anyone who doesn't like it and anyone who goes even one percent against what i think even if the other 99 is exactly aligned then i would never work with them and they're blacklisted from all my shows that's

why it works and that's why i don't really give a shit about telly anymore. But also, talking about brands, the reason those writing rooms have those hypothetical woke people is because they represent a complaint that hasn't happened yet that will go to the producers and then end up on the laps of the sponsors who pay for the show. So this is the major problem with having brands who have to be sanitized because they're trying to sell to everyone. They've got shareholders.

Everyone is answerable to the final, the bottom line, which is the money. This is why art and comedy and pushing the boundaries of what is funny and what is acceptable and satire cannot be linked to Johnson & Johnson. And fucking... Well, hold on, hold on.

I've got to leave them out of this because I've got a thing going on with them at the moment there's one thing I don't want to step on today their vaccine is the best one 30% effective so I could have made

a better one in my bath sponsors and brands and the comedy creative process it's such a dangerous marriage isn't it we've spoken about this

over the past day I don't mind saying like you know this podcast is starting to do quite well and we've got a lot of listeners and a lot of you know whatever and we had someone basically come to us and go we could get you linked with uh a big podcast network let's say i won't name them and he was like do you want

to start that conversation and we went no yeah good because then it's not it's not because we don't want to take money from the man if If we got enough money, you better believe we'll fucking sell out. Do you know what I mean? I'm for sale. Absolutely. But we're not- What's your price? What is the tap on the shoulder?

Like, all right, boys. We're going to say- I'd want to take a million. So we'd need five or three. I just need drainage in my garden. I've got really bad- That is what you'd sell out for? I want to be a millionaire. I want to be able to say i'm a millionaire and open my bank account and prove it i'm going to put a

million pounds in my current account that's what i want to do what point of that of that million are you like doing this podcast and you're sat there and just before you go on someone goes hey uh dan adam guys i see what you want to talk about today and you've got this email we were just wondering actually if you could talk about there's a great story about cats during a fancy dress party

and that's more light hearted and shows the world more how many would be giving the million pounds back within three episodes oh me fuck those cats I fucking want to see them all get AIDS lad what we really don't want, more than someone coming in and going,

we've got topic suggestions, which would be annoying as fuck. I thought you were about to point at me and just go, bringing up all this shit. We don't want a boss that people can go to and go, they said this, tell them off. Because when we got that controversy last week, they had my agent to go to

and go blah blah blah blah we don't want we don't want we we don't like that there's some we don't want someone who can go this is a problem for us so you need to change it it's our thing we're not trying to upset people but it's our thing and we are going to fuck about and say some stupid shit someone went to my dad once on twitter that that is so fucking weak it is but it was oh by the way if you don't know elliot his dad's not like a civil engineer my dad's not terry from the book oh my god i'm gonna go to my dad's knocking on excuse me sir you know your son so i love how your brain worked there by the way you had the name Terry Terry Butcher Terry Butcher Terry Butcher he's a butcher

you got the name think of a job a job but yeah I did I don't know someone tweeted something like if you're given unlimited phones

and can make a a theme park of anything what would it be and I thought it'd be funny to tweet Schindler's list right and but then i deleted schindler's list theme park schindler's list theme park i then deleted it because i thought i thought it was hack i was like i thought ah that's the go-to holocaust film should have been boy in striped pajamas one yeah do you know just as a joke yeah that was the problem that was low low hanging fruit is that why they were ringing your dad hey this is the original

list is the go-to hack of the holocaust you know what i mean should have gone pianist i i never every time schindler's list is brought up i i always just remember that there's a lift company called schindler's yeah i just can't and i'll never not a lift company called Schindler's. Yeah. Schindler's Lift. I just can't. That'll never not be incredible to me. Schindler's Lift. If you are the kind of person who gets in a Schindler's Lift and doesn't go, something's wrong with you. I was going to get them to do the pool cart things on the things as well

because they're good at the elevation and stuff. So the theme park was going to work out. I had this planned out. It was all there. One ride. You do not wanna follow. You do not wanna follow. Loads of shoes for sale.

Oh wow. I'm gonna be here till about fucking half 12. I'm gonna ring my agent myself. And let him know about this one. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought this isn't good. I'm gonna ring my agent myself and let him know. Sorry, should I stop? This isn't good. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're just fucking around.

So what would you say? I mean, I've got an idea. This is why, when you lot said thanks for defending me, I was like, you really don't want me on a side. It's proof you've done something wrong. But yeah, so I deleted it because i was a bit hacked the guy i then just tweeted i deleted that because it was hack and this guy was like well with you with your jewish heritage and your dad being marked still and like having coming from

like part jewish family do you really think this is the thing to tweet when i tweeted it was hack he was then like how can your how if your account was hacked did you get it back so quickly oh god so i was just like this is the best thing. And I was like, what does he think my dad's going to do? Take my PlayStation away from me for doing a Holocaust joke on Twitter. Like grounds me like,

son, what have I told you? Not to do Holocaust jokes on the internet. And certainly not hack ones. I did not raise a plagiarist. All right. Your dad's way more likely to bully you for taking the easy route with the punchline. Oh my God.

Also, if you're from Jewish heritage, does that give you the right to make the jokes more than the other way around? He's basically going, well, you're Jewish, so you definitely shouldn't make those jokes. Wouldn't that be the same bar that they use? Anyone should make the fucking...

It's funny pretend that you're going to do a Schindler's... Like when everyone's like, I want an Iron Man theme park. And then someone goes, do a Schindler's, like when everyone's like, I want an Iron Man theme park. And then someone goes, I want Schindler's Lift theme park. That's just a funny, ridiculous thing to say. Could you imagine me going to investors? Guys, seriously, just trust me. Schindler's Lift is going to make a massive comeback

in the form of a theme park. It's going to be like Disney World. I don't think that's an episode of Dragon's Den. I think there might be a hypothetical woke person that maybe shuts that down and for that reason i'm out right what did you say on the podcast yeah it needs to be contextualized for the tuesday i was talking telling a story about a time that i aggressively got approached i don't know if have you guys been to ibifa before no i'm going in august you're going in august oh god so you you'll see this like if you walk down part of

the strip in ibifa you are grabbed by street walking sex workers okay like sex workers they will cut and it is aggressive yeah and so i had this fit like there was one who was like to be like do you want to come and get in this limo with me and this woman and i was like absolutely not because you're going to rob me like i did it's just that's what's going to happen that limo is going to drive off i feel like right now that you're trying to explain what you did to me your girlfriend no she was aggressive love listen though i was walking down the strip and she said get in the limo and i was like all right all right long long story short i end up getting a hooker or sex worker

sorry i end up getting a sex worker right that's that's the story and not in a limo not in a limo and it was one of the most depressing experiences but what was funny about it was like when she was trying to take me down this bit to rob me i was like i'm not gonna go down there because i'm gonna get robbed we just kind of like just both stood there and then that was that she gave me like went to touch my dick it was like no this isn't going to happen is it because you're here to rob me that's the story and then afterwards i gave her the money and she went oh could i have another five euros to go and get pizza and i went you've done this date the wrong way around that's the story right that's a joke that's a joke that's the punchline right there we

go it's like when i smack head in the middle of a bus for the bus and then he sees how much change you've got and he goes can i have the quid as well never get all the change out that happens a lot though don't you like can i have 20p like of course you have 20p and he's like oh that's a two quid there i love that yeah it was yeah do you know what it was exactly the same as that this woman that i solicited for saying yeah yeah totally the same thing um i told her story so i end up in sarah pascoe's book where she's using this as an example of uh men's attitudes towards sex workers but i was on with jamal and kai and kai made a joke well i like sort of go oh then it turned out she was a sex worker and kai went what gave that away when she went sucky sucky five dollar that's what he said like it couldn't have been more clear it was a yeah she

then went kai's racist joke and i was just like like reena's like but kai isn't racist don't frame him as a racist do you know what i mean like that's what's fucked up about this stuff you could get and go oh that was a racist joke or was it a joke playing on the stereotype that is given to certain sex workers yeah because when they are street workers approach anything it was hack more than anything it should have been it was the schindler's list of sex work i wondered where you were going with that little side note before full fucking circle yeah i wish i brought it up now because i know that on twitter this guy's gonna go why did you bring me back oh jesus but that's the thing when i watched what happened to you guys it was that similar thing where anyone i speak to was a comic going oh what they're going through

is horseshit but i'm not going to say anything because then it will be me yeah yeah thrown under the bus we had messages from comics going you, like, I thought what you did was funny. I understand why people didn't. The witch hunts bollocks, but I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to get crucified. But yeah, and we had comics get in touch and go, who did publicly say something and said,

I'm in a WhatsApp group with 12 other comics. Everyone's on your side, but they're not going to say anything because they don't want to get crucified with you. It's a tricky one because I don't think you can just go to people like, you have to come out and put your career on a, because you know what it's like.

We absolutely didn't expect that at all. And look, we said this on Patreon. We really don't want to upset people. We dance on the line with this. When someone gets upset by something we've said, we're not happy about that. And we don't want to do that. It's never our intention to do that.

We're just- And people have a right to be annoyed and upset. Of course. But, you know, like, they have that right, but it's the way they then try and shut the whole thing down and stop you ever doing what you do. Like, it's an overreaction. But I think the layer that we've not...

Someone complained to Ofcom. Yeah. They do realise you're not part of... The BBC. But it's... The other layer is comedians being part of the bbc but it's the the other layer is comedians comedians being part of that lynch mob is a special type of like do you know like it's yeah it's fucking horrible man because like we're all in this thing like what we all go through in edinburgh and stuff and there's like a

version where you're gonna have a shit like the older comics who took me under their wing and bullied me mercilessly from 17 from when i was 16 i started bullied me mercilessly give me shit all the time it was always done as a way of hey what we're doing here means any crowd you meet who do this to you they're not going to do it half as good as we've done it to you so you're bulletproof now you go on and someone in the show starts screaming at you or tell you fuck off and fuck you and fuck this it just can become you can deal with it it's funny because you now are sat here insecure about things you didn't know you needed to be insecure about but there's also other things that like if you're a comedian it's without ever having like a ring or official certification you're part of like a comedian's m's group. You're part of a clique of,

it's a small group of men and women that can make a living doing comedy in virtually any country. But in this country, I'd hazard a guess at six, seven, 800 people, max could properly call themselves standups. Your men would be like, there's a bit of camaraderie. Okay, you can criticize each other.

You can say when each other's doing wrong but just feels like hanging's a bit much and it feels like it's just i don't know what it's almost going against the code of like are you would you are you happy to throw another comic under the bus do you think you're gaining something or or are you more activist than you are comedian that's that's a that's a good point. That's exactly what it is. The thing I don't get with these people is like, the place I think you always start or stand out or like I like to is like,

I'm a fucking idiot who doesn't know anything. Like what you lot were saying on the podcast was funny, but it was Dan and, it wasn't fucking Mensa at the UN, like giving their like speech about, it was two guys fucking about. You don't wanna be right, you wanna guys fucking about it want to be funny just wanting to be funny and these people are coming at it from uh I think it's a place where they

haven't worked on themselves as people I think like comedy is almost good in therapy in a way when you get good at it because you start going like here's my issues that I'm gonna go tell to a room of strangers I'm kind of fucked up so let's not take everything I say it's golden I'm not perfect I'm not perfect here's a story about I've just told a story about me getting a sex worker in ib for like what the fuck went wrong in my childhood that led to that moment do you know what i mean like that that's not an attack on sex workers it's a it's a it's layered it's it's like it's a sad story about you really yeah it's incredibly tragic yeah but it's funny it's but I paid a woman to touch your dick and then didn't let her

alright and then used to buy her pizza I know what you're trying to say Kai's racist Kai's racist so let's have a break but that group of lads

that you're really good mates with and you know me and Dan are both friends with from a bit more of a distance Kai, Slosh Milo McKay Brian Cullen

like that group of lads they are going to take the piss I've had such good nights with them both in Edinburgh there was that night in London which was oh chicken wings

did I tell that story on this have I told it on the Slosh one yeah did I with the bag yeah did I tell it

yeah shove your chicken wings up your arse shove your chicken wings up your arse and they chased us with Elliot's bag you forgot your bag Mr. Chowing Man there you go for Sarah

that was accurate that wasn't a racist impression that's exactly what one guy sounds like try and write that accent in a book challenge accepted Try and write that accent in a book. Challenge accepted. I reckon I can do that. Try and...

And also, I didn't say... Everyone reading it on the bus, we'll go over it again, say it out loud, and people are just going to look at him and go, fucking all right, mate. I didn't say where that man was meant to be from. He was a Cockney. Born, raised, eighth generation Cockney.

That's just how he spoke. Oh, God. Let's have a break. Who's the sponsor with? It's sliding in here. I don't know. I think this might be a merch one. Hey, listen to this.

This podcast, I've aware as yeah, is sponsored by beer52.com and we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor and I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay?

What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well you might get a month worth of south african beers you might get some from argentina the next month you might get some from south korea or something all over the world they'll help you discover the best craft beers that you've never heard of and here's the best thing because you're a listener to this podcast not only do you get a free case of eight beers and an award-winning beer magazine for free just by going to beer52.com slash weird.

All you do, pay the postage and packaging, eight free beers, free beer magazine, and a little tasty snack as well. And also, it helps us out. You support our sponsors. They support us. This thing can keep going. We can keep the Have A Weird gravy train on the fucking track. So go to beer52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some bevvies.

Fern Norton. We've had some emails. I'm going to be doing the prep today. Is that all right? Yeah. Cool. We've had, yeah. The views we've seen is,

it got tense. No, it genuinely did it. Dan's having another period. Apparently I'm not doing the dishes enough. Someone said that the other day You know in a comment Did you see that? Does Dan really hate it?

No I saw that But someone said What happened before this record Because it seemed really tense At the start Was that at Patreon? I thought you were being A bit of a moody bitch

Didn't I? Oh no it wasn't that Is everything alright at home man? What's going on? Everything's really good at home It's because he started Going fishing a lot. He's like...

Genuinely, before we started recording, I wasn't eggy in any way, but realistically, it's me doing the prep. This is from The Goat. Sapnin, Adriano, Danilo, Sensei, Cafu and Fred and guests on the couch. I have a debate that has divided my uni house and I need urgent answers

to have a word with one side or the other. It came to light that one of the lad's birds makes him dab his cock after having a piss for good hygiene. I thought this was fucking mental but all the girls including my other half agree and think it's disgusting if a

lad doesn't dab his surprised Caucasian eye after having a piss am I? mate that is why he's the goat that is wonderful that's why he's the goat is this Harry? yeah of course

am I living in a fucking simulation or does everyone actually wipe the end of their dick with toilet paper after having a piss? And am I the disgusting one with a pissy rue hole, to quote Alfie Brown? Please settle this debate as it's driving the house insane. The girls think this is equivalent to having a piss kink if you're not happy to wipe your dick hole.

All the best, Harry Robbo. I'll take this one, just initially, if that's okay, Elliot. My ex-girlfriend forced me to do this. She was like, you wipe your dick, because that dick comes near me, and I don't want eight-hour-old piss in my fucking vagina hole, or my bum hole, or my mouth, or my ears.

So, wipe your belly, right? And then... Paraphrasing or... She did not say most of that. I met that woman and that was not verbatim. So... She was always walking around going, I'll tell you what, he's got to clean that

before he sticks it in my ear. That's me. And honestly, that might be... I've been asked for much. This will be the end of us then she then we broke up and genuinely

like that was one of the positives and I was like I don't have to wipe my dick anymore like this is genuinely how did she know how did she know that you didn't women know everything Carl and they always find out

and plus sometimes it dribbles in me undies and she'd be like you haven't wiped your undies women know everything and they have a sense of smell yeah do you shake but sometimes sometimes And they always find out. And plus sometimes it dribbles in me undies and she'd be like, you haven't wiped your undies. Women know everything. And they have a sense of smell. Yeah, do shake.

But sometimes you shake it for a minute and a half, two minutes, three minutes, you come, and then you put it in your pants and it still dribbles out a bit. Can I say, I'm with Adam on this one. You dribble? I swear to God. Very, very rarely. You think you've done the job

and then all of a sudden you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's Trixie for months I've been like how liberating is this I'm saving so much money on toilet paper that's how big your dick is

how many these dabs take forever I don't have to go to Costco to get my dick wipes anymore using a beach towel I don't have to go to Costco to get my dick wipes anymore. Fucking always find a phone. And using a beach towel. Get the new one. As a his and hers genital wipe.

And then last week, my girlfriend was in the bathroom with me while I was pissing. And she was like, I think it's disgusting that men don't dab their willy. So I got it and I was like, this again. Backstreet's back. All right. and she was like i think it's disgusting that men don't dab their willy so i got it back streets so now i'm back elliot where are you at i think and i think the read between the lines in the story it begins

with they say they're at uni and those are some women who still have high expectations of men oh really what i mean they aren't they're still like i want a guy to have good hygiene i want a guy to have this my girl she's three years old i mean my girlfriend's 28 and she just she's like she knows she's a lot yeah you're alive well done like that that's the stat do you know what i mean well done she's dealing with someone who got a sex worker in ibf genital hygiene isn't my girlfriend's like main starting point you have a lot to go through with that so i think that's like that 18 years old you know like if you're like the equivalent of if you're a guy you're like i want

a girl who's gonna be like she's gonna be able to do this do that in the bedroom and then it's just like nah that's yeah it's the same political ideology isn't it when you're 17 18 19 you're like no we everyone can have a million pounds each we should we should everyone should have a free rolls royce the second they turn 16 and everything can be fine and then just as people get older they gradually and gradually and go well you know nurses should get paid a bit more a bit more but that's it they can solve all of their problems in a nightclub smoking area on ecstasy i think it's still a good idea just be like what if we just love each other more and that's just the answer and that's what you do when you're that age and then like i'm still 24 so i've still got a bit

of hope but it's fleeting yeah it goes with each passing birthday it just suddenly like it's gone from like i want to drive a lamborghini to like i'll take a fiat to now if i can pass my test do you know what i mean like that is just so what's to happen it's gonna be as long as i get the bus seat with the most like i would hate to have a sit down with the 21 year old me because i thought i was going to do some bits. I'd be literally like, he'd be like, so Dan, where are we? Just turned four.

He'd be like, listen, I'm just one bit of drainage away from a phenomenal lawn and I know I would see genuine sadness in his young eyes. See, I'd sit my 21 year old down and be like,

you were right kid. What would you tell him? What was 21 year old hoping for? It's exactly the same as you now. Have you made no personal growth in any? He's just started dabbing your cock. That's all you've done eight years later. Just be like, watch out lads,

you're gonna have to fucking wash your cock. It's just got better hair. 21 year old, you would be like, l lads how'd you do that i probably weigh the same but i'll carry it better we are the same we're the same as we were as 18 yeah we've spoken about this a couple of times since he's been back like with this podcast and carl coming on board we've sort of found a way to never grow up which has always been our goal since we became friends yeah is to just find the way to monetize being fucking morons. Yeah.

And then this come along and like, just dream, believe, achieve. We've thought it into it. That was our school's motto as well. Yeah. It really was.

That was our school's motto, wasn't it? What? Dream, believe, achieve. No, it's very close.

Oh, just dab your dick. That's it, yeah. Dab your dick. I think it's respect, believe, achieve. Oh oh it is

yeah so forget your dreams respect the teachers believe we're right achieve your GCSEs what motivational speaker was running this school I always wanted a job

at least it wasn't in Latin it was so noncy I always wanted a job but I didn't want to wake up at 7 o'clock or 6 o'clock that was my as long as I had a job Zelligs if I was working in bars when I worked in job i didn't want to wake up at seven o'clock or six o'clock yeah that was my as long as i had a job i've always worked in bars when i worked in japan i didn't start till

midday and now we start whenever the fuck we want to yeah so well we've just just quickly like look behind the curtain here today we all met at 11 we were like bloody hell these goodies early starts on it 11 a.m i nearly missed an 11 o'clock train because I was standing there doing such a lazy fuck do you know what I would say about the old

most fucking hate us you know when we're like we've all decided we're going to start getting up in the morning and waking earlier from 11am onwards

Tom Twisselton finishing the shift Tom Twisselton listens to the Patreon exclusive by 7 7.30am on a Wednesday morning

and then he does a little tweet going oh it was quality this week lads and you're like god almighty that's early he works fucking hard

I think there was a lot to be said I think a girl forcing you to dab your dick is a little bit over the line of like

alright as if because it's one of those ones and I don't like this argument all the time but if you like pop your head around the toilet went love have you tried your fanny i think it would i think it would be met with a bit of displeasure however i don't think there's anything wrong if someone going you need to dab your dick like if you don't dab your dick pre-sex

having a wash i don't think is the worst idea you know if if that's an issue like i could understand if i was a girl and i was about to bang a guy be like right i'm into it this is what i'm into but you need to wash all of that first properly in a shower including your legs you plan sex that's that's the thing but sex not meant to be planned in any way This is meant to be flat It's just There's like spontaneous Nice light flowers

And oh no The fact that you said anyway Also implies It's also a surprise To the attacker What am I doing? Mate Oh fuck

So consensual people Shouldn't plan Like we'll have sex later on Let's have sex now No But right So What are you talking about? I'm not wrong It's really weird That you bring this up Sensual people shouldn't plan. Like, we'll have sex later on. Let's have sex now. No. But, right. What are you talking about? I'm not wrong.

It's really weird that you bring this up. If my Mrs. I just leaned in and started, like, putting... Would she be like, oh, my God, you've taken me? She'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Does, like... Is that what middle ages... Yes, mate. See, so...

Do you and Sarah could just grab each other and start making love? They just go for it, yeah. And that's what you're supposed to do. You watch some telly and you catch a side of a tit and then you're like, let's fucking go. Yeah.

Well, what if it's a really good TV show? Finn, do you feel comfortable sat there? You just sat there editing a podcast, you catch the side of a tit and then you just bang Finn. Listen, wait there. No, wait. Listen.

So, I understand both sides here. I understand that as you get older it's sort of like are we bonking on wednesday night yeah week's notice make sure you clean i get that it's an exaggeration but you're not far off i get that right and it's so much better the spontaneity thing totally i sort of found out something last week though because like me and my missus were going to bed and like she we both knew we were going to have sex when we got there we hadn't gone sex in

35 minutes get me ready we hadn't done that but it was going to happen what you put on a telly you know as well I'm just looking for something to just put on not watch oh yeah we know so we'd done that but I had felt particularly moist that day and not in a a Lady Vajara moist way.

I mean like sweaty. And then you told her and she was like, fuck and I'll dab everything. No, so I went in the bathroom and I washed me dick and balls in the sink. Did you use some Gillette? A spray of Gillette? Love made a mistake.

I'm going to have to shame it now. I used some Dove, right? Soap or? Are you sponsored by fucking dove are you some dove so i doved me dick right and i just went for it then we got in bed and then she smelt the dove on me dick and she was like have you doved your dick and i said yeah i was like i did it because i felt particularly sweaty today. And she was like, I wash my fanny all the time. And I was like, what? Mad.

That's the first time I've dove my dick. Unless I'm getting a shower. I don't normally go and do a full clean because I don't feel like I need it. And I also think sex is better when it's dirty and smelly and ugh. No. No.

No. It's a bit, I get what you're saying. I don't think a lot of women would agree with that. Like, oh yeah, I love it when the knob's absolutely on. There's that like sex smell and then there's that smell. Do you know what I mean? There's a difference between like, oh, I'm into this and just like, ugh.

Morning sex stinks, doesn't it? I don't want it to be like covered in shit. Don't kiss me. I just want it to be a bit sweaty. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You'd be wanting to be clean at the start. I like the human stinking.

You get into the stinky. You don't start stinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want it to be like at the start I like the human stinking you get into the stinky you don't start stinky yeah yeah yeah I don't want to be like smothering myself in feces should we have sex tonight no you've got to go to the gym

for three hours first yeah yeah could you do a tough mother before I think there's some there's a there's probably a happy medium for me of like

I would love a bit more of that spontaneity like is this happening but then a quick pit stop before you know my biggest turn off is uh what's the opposite what's the opposite spontaneity like planned yeah like arranged organization as soon as i get a whiff of it being i'm like nah but i don't know why it's weird i just think brushing your teeth before a bonk there's nothing no but you shouldn't you shouldn't have to you shouldn't have to but there's the spontaneity because sometimes like what you've seen about watching the tv have you had it where you're

watching a really good tv show and you're like you feel a hand go down and you go like i know but we're about to find out what tony soprano is going to do with uncle jude do you know what i mean have you ever had that thing and then you don't want to go and kill the spontaneous moment and go just a second like but in your head you're're like, we can't, we're going to miss that. Pause. Pause. Always pause. I can't.

This has been a problem in every relationship I've ever had, okay? I can't do two things at once. I just can't. I'm doing one thing, I can't do the other thing.

If I'm talking to you, I can't concentrate on the telly at the same time. It just can't happen, right? We know that. What? We both know that. Exactly, right? We know that. What?

We both know that. Exactly, right? So if I'm watching something with my missus and she starts talking, I pause the program, right? And I'll wait for her to finish. You done? But it looks eggy.

Yeah, you done? Right? It's when you're tough. Right? But when that happens, right? i always want sex got a high sex drive if someone wants to have sex with me let's go as long as you've got a vagina and you know you're in a relationship you're relatively nearby let's fucking have it this was my talk to myself on the streets of ib fairies

so as they start doing that when we're into something good and we're watching it right i know that it would not be sexy to pause it so i can't go yeah yeah we can do this but i'm just gonna pause this so i know to leave it but it does sort of ruin the sexual intercourse for me because the entire time we're fucking i'm sort of going i'm gonna have to rewind this in a minute yeah and then when you watch it back you're like I remember Aiden this

we were doing that yeah yeah yeah because I'm so I think that all that's what we're up to I can't concentrate on fucking yeah

while Lionel Juicy's on in the background guys honestly I don't care if it kills the mood dead in its tracks that shit's getting paused

I would I wouldn't be I'd be like oh oh I'd be completely freaked me out to sort of semi hear the story

oh I'm a poser I'm a poser you're gonna turn it off I will dove my dick I will brush my teeth I will lock the back door I will put the recycling out and then it's about

to get thick you're a renaissance man you're an old fashioned guy oh yeah I've had sex three times in the last 18 months and she's pregnant but you've caught up with so much You're a renaissance man. You're an old fashioned guy. Oh yeah, yeah. I've had sex three times in the last 18 months. And she's pregnant.

But you've caught up with so much Game of Thrones. For my life. Oh yeah, it's my job, isn't it? Just like crossing stuff out. That was fun, wasn't it? It's not easy doing the prep, is it? No, honestly, thanks for giving me the tutorial.

Fucking lamp Lamp I quite like that Because that means tall Hi lads Quick one If you were stranded On a desert island

With no food Which one of you Is getting scrammed first And what part of the body Is getting eaten So If we're all If we all got it's finn in it finn looks elliot what do you think oh no elliot doesn't look tasty i i oh who would i

eat first out of all of us four i'd go i'll go with cole you know being in japan it's got like like you know spicy spicy like oh it'd be like fusion yeah it's spain and japan yeah it would just be yeah like delicacies teriyaki charito japanese fusion yeah fish and chips with chirito and some japanese sushi nailed it raw fish yeah oh man chips oh hell yeah and chips there's some Japanese something couldn't think of anything Japanese

not one I'm not joking he does not look tasty does he he looks like he's gonna be like pulled pork or something that's not quite right

what you get from Sainsbury's yeah I think Finn looks delicious Finn looks like a I think if we were gonna be you alright

so what I wanna say if we were all joints of meat, what would we be? I think I'm like roast beef. I'm a roast beefy kind of man. Carl's a leg of lamb. I'm a T-bone.

It's good. No, you're a leg of lamb. Yeah, I feel like a lamb. I like lamb. Finn. All right, breathe in, because I know where this is going, and it's going to be...

No, I think Finn's lamb. He's Turkish, isn't he? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I think Finn is a sausage. Explain your logic What can I do Because he looks sausage Because he looks sausage That's not a compliment at all

Explain your logic He looks sausage Because he's you know Fucking chipolata lad I think you look like Chicken Deep fried saucy fucking chipolata I think you look like chicken deep fried cuts of chicken yeah like a greasy like

one you get from a place in London at about three in the morning yeah chicken shop yeah chicken shop chicken it's yeah you're not 100% it's definitely chicken it's nice though innit we all like it and we can't eat it too often no look at this what do you think you are Fucking circling around

I know what Dan is What do you think He's pork belly Lovely pork belly as well Delicious Full of fat Tasty Pork belly is lovely

I don't think pork belly Go on Donna Come on tasty pork belly's lovely no I don't think pork belly I think go on Donna come on come on egg the famous meat and you wonder why

and you wonder why I get annoyed with him what meat has everyone your egg hey you're in a fucking mood today aren't you

called your fucking egg I called everyone else meat fucking Your egg. Hey, hey, you're in a fucking mood today, aren't you? Called your fucking egg when I called everyone else meat. Fucking. Are you on the line yet, Dan? You're fish because I've got you on the fucking line, lad. You're fish. Finn, you're a bit fishy, actually. Cod.

Cod sausage. Fish sausages. Fried chicken. You're roast beef. Fully Britishish i love that you've just got to ordain yourself roast beef it's my game oh that's fair point um but but he's really pissed off you've got to kill someone because he's not going to give himself up is he like beef same amazing guys you can eat me first like it's first beef to last it's last in last longer but podcast wise it's last in first eat it in it yeah elliot oh you can fucking try uh you don't look like there's

much meat on you even though you look like you weigh more than finn you look like i'm quite pigeony pigeony pigeonier that's not a bad thing It doesn't feel like a compliment. I've never gone to the gym and someone's going, yo mate, you're looking pigeon-y today, my guy. Like there's not- There's not much meat on a pigeon, is there? Apparently not. There's no Mr. Olympia pigeon category, is there? Well, make one then.

Yeah. That's still fun. No, I'm not. I'm genuinely trying to think who would go first. I'd definitely eat Finn definitely Finn Finn I'm sorry he's got some spice he's literally

the youngest one here and everyone's like yeah let's kill him first yes what's fresher I'd like a little in my head I was

genuinely like I'd like holiday that'd be nice I think it would kind of ruin it when the first night when we were eating

Finn yeah like the wedding the first night I am starving look lads they don't open the buffet

till tomorrow so we've got no option other than to eat Finn we've not even got hungry we've not even

we've still had the meal on the plane I'm still digesting it I was like listen let's not draw this out

we've still got snacks. We bought a load of stuff at Duty Free. Someone's got a big Toblerone down. We don't need to eat Finn. Elliot, that's pudding. Where would you start? That was the other part, wasn't it? Which part of Finn are you eating?

Let's say it's me. I'll let you live out your fancy. I'm dying first. I don't know. I don't think he wants to eat you. Why? I don't know. I'm't think he wants to eat you. Why? I don't know. I'm dead.

Oh. That's good. Go for it. Which part first? He's just enjoying you being dead. Don't know. You've got to go. It's just something that...

It's arse chicken. I don't like chicken on the bone. So if I could just... Eyes. Eyes. Eyes, not eyes. Jesus. Elliot, that's so dark.

Hey, hey. If you're going to... Eyes. If you're going to be a cannibal, go hard. Eyes, teeth, fingernails. It's got to be ass cheek, hasn't it? That's where the most fucking... Carl, he's died in the plane crash. He's died in the plane crash.

And knowing his history of IBS, you'd start eating his ass first. That's where you... No, but you can cook off the shit cheek you don't just go straight what is this

he's not cooking me bumhole I'm not cooking his bumhole I'm not cooking his bumhole the delicacies the eye he's gonna slice me cheek it's got a it's got some chunk in it

it's got some meat to it what happened there you had a little bit this is weird that I know this but you're oh sorry sorry I chop it up I put it in a wrap I can't eat Adam off the bone

You've got tortilla bread I always No ingredients You need a filling Any sauce to go with me mate First night I'm still in. Any sauce to go with me mate? First night, first night, you're like, love ya. I'll have a pack of tootsie everheads, some wine gums, I'll have a Diet Coke.

You gonna eat lettuce? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's still quite full as well. He's still quite full, he's eating it cause he's tired. Next time lads, we should brine the arm before we serve him. Got a better leg. Have we got to have a word? We have.

We've got several. Oh, okay. Do at least one. What shall we do? Shall? Yeah, we'll do this one. It's a bit of a big one. Oh.

So this came in from Holly. Buckle in for this one. All right, lids, please can you have a word with my ex-flatmate's dad? Two weeks ago, my roommate threw me a surprise party for my 21st.

It's worth noting, before all this, it's only me and her living in the flat as it's her parents who own it. Because the party was more for me than anyone,

most of the people who came were my student friends from uni when they came round they asked me if i could get some coke in as they didn't have much alcohol i said it was fine as long as they don't act like dicks about it because my roommate really hates drugs oh jesus they said they would keep it to themselves the night continued as normal the only way you could tell it was even going on is because they were going to the bathroom to do it every now and again and then going for three hour walks around brighton again halfway through the night someone told my roommate

it was happening by accident as he thought she already knew that happens a lot she got really upset and started spouting nonsense about how she couldn't believe they were doing it in the bathroom as her towels were in there and also whenever my when when one of my mates did a key in the kitchen she said i can't believe they are doing it in the kitchen i don't want cocaine on my chicken nuggets tomorrow uh she went to bed said no one ever honestly i can't believe they're doing it in the kitchen i don't want cocaine on my chicken nuggets tomorrow i would love cocaine on my chicken and she went to these are mine not nuggets. And she went to, these are mine, not Etta's.

She went to bed, very upset. And by this, by the time the party had died off, we all just went to bed. The next morning came and about five of us

were still in the flat. I apologized to my flatmate for causing her so much upset. And she said, we were okay. She then went out to the shop

to get some food and the rest of us were just sat home watching TV, hungover. Out of the blue, I get a phone call from her dad i pick up the phone and immediately hear holly it's andy i want you to pack your fucking bags and get out of my flat as soon as fucking possible how dare you associate my property with drugs if you're not out in the next hour i'll come and get you out myself and I'll be calling your father and tell him exactly why I didn't know what uh what to expect that I was really sorry I didn't know what to say except that

I was really sorry and it wasn't me who was even doing them but he was having none of it and told me to get out and hung up turns out my flatmate had texted her parents in the morning telling them that had been drugs in the flat and I had said it was okay I understand they would not want drugs on his property and it has a right to be angry, but the aggressive phone call and actually kicking me out of the house two days before my 21st birthday is ridiculous. Is he the dickhead for kicking off and kicking me out

or am I the dickhead for saying yes to my mates at the party? P.S. I have officially been kicked out and spent my birthday on a fellow patron's couch. She's a patron, keep that in mind. I have now fully moved out and my ex-fl a fellow patron's couch she's a patron keep that in mind I have now fully moved out and my ex-flatmate has converted my old room into an office

nonce for herself and refuses to speak to her dad about it sorry for the long one lids but it's hard it's a hard one to condense love the pod

Holly so are we having a word with her for getting a beaky mates round or the flatmate's dad who sounds like a royal i'm gonna let our guest take the lead do you want to grab that mic in closer to you

first up massive respect uh no um yeah whenever someone you she's dealing with someone who's just this is a good thing you're dealing with someone who's a goody two shoes you've had to go through the loss like doing a bit of blowing i i get both sides of it like if you've never done drugs and you find out someone that's done cocaine and you're gonna your picture is gonna be like of the cartel stood there and like people doing it off machetes for some reason there's like flocks of geese running around you know i mean that's gonna go straight to crack cocaine heroin yeah yeah that's what's gonna be your image of it so i can totally get why they've done that but if someone's like you're gonna get cocaine on my towel like it's called rack it's not rack of towels do you know

what i mean it's like it's a it's an overreaction but she shouldn't have snitched to the parent i reckon there was some i reckon there was some beef going on beforehand where she wanted her out like if you're doing drugs she's no but then she threw the party so she obviously liked her i think i think you know it's quite weird really because i've been surrounded by drugs growing up and you know a lot of comedians do it i've tried them before they're not really for me me and you are very similar drugs and that we don't really like them yeah and i mean you two are the same i'm not into it it it's a weird one i think it's a massive overreaction i understand why he's pissed off

i understand why the daughter was like wake up like it's the same overreaction I understand why he's pissed off I understand why The daughter was like It's the same as what you're saying I don't do it and they're doing it in my house And you invited them And you're saying it's okay I understand they're being a bit whingy I think she's a fucking lunatic

To be like my towels are in there Like cocaine erodes towels I don't want cocaine On my chicken nuggets in the morning. Well, then don't put it on your chicken nuggets. I dried my hair and now I'm a drug addict. The scar-facing with the chainsaw is taking place. No, my towels. I love the overreaction.

Do you reckon you could rub it into your hair follicles if you had it in your towel? I reckon someone's tried. I reckon someone's tried. Do it on your gums. Do it in your hair. I've often said you can do it on your gums do it in your hair I've often said you can do it in your bellend

yeah you can yeah stick a pill up your bum what you can do it because it's a semi-permeable membrane you can do cocaine through your bellend yeah but Adam would need

thousands of pounds of coke that's the problem to get through all of the dirt where he's dabbed it he's dabbed it so it just makes it wet anyway it just all falls down it's all

look at that man you're fucking pointless I the thing with doing drugs is doing it around civilians is one of the most dangerous games to play like i've no judgment but i've i've been there at parties when you're like you're there's housemates who don't do it. And it's not fun for them. And it's not fun for you unless you're really selfish. Like, I don't give a shit. Fucking Gemma invited us round so we can do what we want. You have to be a real arsehole to treat anyone's house like that.

It's just not a nice feeling. I just try and separate them as much as possible. On my stag do, I had, there was 20 of us i had loads of mates i had my dad i had my uncle robert i had three of my female friends i had my best mates from uni some mates from comedy it was a real gang of us and i'd say there was about 10 of us who had coke and i've got mates in the forces my obviously my dad and my uncle Robert not that into it and a few people that just don't do it. So I said exactly what that girl said was,

do not do it anywhere. Don't talk about it in front of my dad. You know what I mean? But we were old enough. Like I got married at 34, 35. You're old enough to be like, you know how to do it. Take it to one of the bedrooms, do it.

And everyone was so moving around no one noticed my dad had no idea we got away with it beautifully obviously it was a bit obvious when everyone was fucking hammered and flagging at 3 30 and 10 of us were like let's talk more in the hot tub and then and then apparently will duggan who is a mate of ours who's a great comedian he was there and had no idea it was happening until at four in the morning he was hammered and my mate who i'm not going to mention because he doesn't want to know was sat in the hot tub on his own apparently he was just sat there going my eyes wide open will was hammered and came into the garden and my mate who's met him a few times just went will just the man i wanted to talk to and will was like oh

everyone's high as a kite but it wasn't in their faces it's a tricky one when you're doing it around someone that doesn't want it done around them it's kind of on you like I've done it but as soon as you've got someone who's like I don't want this it's sort of on you

I don't know it's a tricky one can I ask you if you had a house party in yours well this has happened right

but I mean now yeah 10 years older so you have your 30th in yours let's say let's say like for whatever reason it happens and me and Elliotiot come and isn't in mind with my mom yeah yeah no no so you you

would not let your mates do it even though a lot of them do it if your mom was in the house yeah no way what if she wasn't as long as it was like there was no fucking remnants no no no so we so we can't do it in her room no well what's the fucking point a couple of my mates I made smoked weed when we were 18 they still do now I was like I'm gonna ask them to do it

just don't do it in my house don't do it in the front whatever and fucking yeah I remember about a week later gotten away with it and mum opened

the Littlewoods catalogue and they'd been fucking whatever they do with it using it as a roach no no no so it's just like they must have balanced whatever they were doing on the inside of the little wood's catalog so the inside of the little catalog is just full of weed i was there so in their head you've gone don't do it in the house so they're like yeah we'll smoke it outside we build it in the house we've got to

make it in the house there's a breeze it puts puts you in shit. I had mates a day when we were, when I was 14, I had some mates there and they were smoking and I wasn't and I went to bed and I was like, just make sure when you go out for a cigarette

all the shit away and the next day I come downstairs and my dad was just sat there and he just left the pouch of backy just sat there. He didn't move it

and it was just that thing, you know, when you're like, nah, that genuinely was my friends. It wasn't me. That excuse that's the excuse yeah yeah yeah it's it's one of those ones like if you have a party and there's people who want to come and do drugs and your mum's in the house it really is incumbent on them to not be the guys like listen i know carl's mum's here but i love to party like that's not

the kind of party you want to get fucking wrecked at at your house is it but you have to you have to put that stipulation in i think because i think if someone goes to me like or say someone wants to go to me hey we're having this party and i was oh there's a party and someone goes i'm gonna bring some mdma then and they might bring mdma with a thing going i'll give some to carl like i was saying like thank you just assume and then you turn up happy birthday happy birthday and you say turn up and you've half hour before you got there dropped and you get there and carl's like no no there's no yeah you have to make sure it's obvious you can't be going i don't do that because just if you've not told them before then yeah what would you do if uh at the party you walked in the bathroom and

your mum was just with a massive pile of cocaine just snorting I'd be like you're doing it let's fucking get on yeah yeah yeah because you're a really close family like that I used to buy that at Secret Santa I used to get

like 30 quid's worth of Lemo for Secret Santa for whoever I got and they would always fucking make that when you worked in a bar yeah what the fuck that was

one of the most scouse things that you've said for a while yeah Secret Santa got 30 quid of Lemo. What's Lemo? So here's what happened. Here's what happened, guys. Elliot.

I'm sorry, is your family the Kray twins? No, in bars. Oh, yeah, no family. I thought he said... He's not giving his uncle Brian. I thought he was getting it for his family. No, no, no, no, no. As in, like, the lads or...

Do you not know what Lemo is? No. So Lemo, what happened was, right? It's a scouse thing. I think it's spread further than Liverpool now, but it started as a scouse thing. All the drug dealers in Liverpool had like a big meeting and they were like, listen,

the police are onto us calling cocaine, coke. How do you know this? It doesn't. Have you seen The Godfather? It was at the Holiday Inn near Lime Street. Got a conference suite. They all had a big meeting. They were like, look.

I don't want it sold to kids. I don't want it sold to kids. Hey, Dom Steve. You show great respect to my family. So they were like, look, the police are getting onto us, calling a coke. We need a code word. Might take us a few hours to hash this out.

Something that they're never going to be able to guess someone said pepsi someone said cherry aid then someone said lemo and the meeting was over what is what's the reason for it why is it i mean that's a very fucking jokey way of saying but that's probably why it was it's coke yeah but aren't the police wouldn't anyone now watch this and go i mean we've solved it i think the police that code fairly quickly i don't think they were waiting for this episode because because when you used to go clubbing they called them gary's because of gary ablet tablet yeah yeah i thought lemo was something to do with like a rhyme thing and apparently it's just like i think so yeah it's just clever because no police the police are going

they're moving a ship oh I've got you the Christmas jumper oh I've got you the 30s I need those to be made up I don't want to

well I'm not joking it's a fucking great idea I don't do it I've never done it but I've bought it how sound are you hey don't do this anywhere near my mum

get on it but what's weird is one of my best mates now Alex I bought his mate some for Secret Santa and he gave him some and that was the first time

he ever did drugs and then a couple of years later I became one of his mates and I was like oh I bought your first ever bed of drugs he's dead now overdose

wow so I don't know yeah the dad's a fucking bellend 40s gotta be careful with the mates it just sounds like a very sort of like i i imagine i have friends who have parents like that who like would have no idea that they what their kids are up to but and but were to find out would

be like you're breaking this family apart because they've smoked a spliff yeah but coke is like that's a serious drug yeah that's not like you know if you if it was oh they were caught with a bit of spliff it would be like but hearing people have been around your house doing coke is a bit like yeah yeah if you've not done it you're not accustomed to it yeah that's my stepmom rang me 10 years ago and went oh my god my my uh nephew's been caught with buying crack cocaine and i was like wow and they were like everyone's really worried his mom's really worried and obviously came to me because i'd been quite open about i go clubbing i've at the time i'm 25 late 20s i've got i'm not dependent on my dad for money or anything so i just talked about it

and i'd done it on stage but because my life was going okay i become this weirdly semi-respectable person to ask about it so i was like right it's definitely crack cocaine or has he because he'd been caught doing like nicking money or something for his and it ended up that him and his mates were buying coke and to me that is the two most different stories ever like because crack instantly goes like that sounds horrific it sounds like it's like veering off towards heroin addiction all sorts of horrible stuff and coke is what fucking like wealthy bankers in the city of london do every week but to her she'd heard cocaine and gone well it's crack cocaine and that's what parents do if you if you've never been involved you go oh that's terrible because it sounds a bit like the thing

it is it's confusing but it's not as bad as it sounds it's a party drug now isn't it especially in the uk it's definitely a party yeah but why why do you say like crack and heroin like because i in my opinion i think like i reckon crack and heroin have the stigma that coke had maybe like 20, 30 years. So whereas coke used to be like the, whoa, you're doing coke drug. Whereas like the amount of people just on nights out now who just go out and do coke. And I think that's when I sort of would stop doing it. When I at one point went, I'm now looking for an excuse to do this. So I'm going to pack this in because I think you have to have a certain mentality to be an addict whereas i was just

being head initiative it's so addictive it's so addictive oh yeah yeah yeah but the feeling of being in in in your head you're like i feel great i feel coherent you you know when we're on form on the pod and we get to the end of it like we were really on it then we were hitting the funniest that's basically even if you're not like that when you have coke you're like that's how you feel you feel switched on firing bloody blah and that feeling is addictive that's what you've got to watch out for yeah i think i think as well especially if you have something like in your life that is missing or you go this is the answer do you know what i mean shit yeah but but like crack that's it's still just coke it's just smokable and it's the only reason that that's there is because it

was like in america that was considered the black drug that's what black people do whereas coke is more of a like you know it's it's a bit more oh party yeah yeah yeah whereas like perception, yeah. Oh, it's perception. It's a perception. If I said to you earlier, after the show, I'm going to get some coke in, do you want a little bit? Or I said, do you want to get some crack?

Do you want an honest answer? Would you not be like, would you not be like, dad, dad. Do you want an honest answer? I'd go, fuck yeah, man. But like, I don't think there's a-

Would you do heroin? Yeah, I would. That's common to some men. That's going on. We need Laura's gone. But would you do heroin? I wouldn't inject it. Yeah.

But I know people who've done- Would you rub it on your dick? Yeah. Well, how else are you going to- You know people who've done it? I know people who've done it. Yeah? And they've said it's the worst calm down they've ever had they'd never injected i know people

who smoked it i think i know someone who snorted it and they were just like it was meh i think they were just like it's not because it's sensationalized because in a tv show you watch like requiem for a dream or you watch train sport or something it's like it's like they make it like slightly sexy and like oh it's gonna do this this and this and then you probably come to it and go i just watched uh spongebob for four hours like people it's like it's like i've heard people it's like being stuck and i'm not a downer guy like i'm i'm not really too into downers yeah so when i when i take them i just sort of sit there full of angst you know whereas uppers were the thing that i preferred but now like that's why i still think the best drug was ecstasy that the only problem with ecstasy is the comedown yeah like the comedown

the next day because you've used seven years worth of happiness in four hours your body goes yeah i'm gonna give you this now that's when no one gets addicted i don't know if anyone's addicted to ecstasy they're addicted to like the lifestyle that it brings of like going to a rave going to a club but this is this is the thing when i first yeah no one's just doing ecstasy in the house i did on a tuesday on the couch no you can't do it every day you can't do it every day you just it doesn't even when you're 22 and you're in the middle of clubbing you you you come down you miss sleep and you come down even though you've had the best time you've loved everyone you've wanted to talk about everything everyone the music was amazing

by tuesday you're like i need a few days off i need to be left alone i need to eat some vegetables like it is it's not an everyday thing it's even even when you do that thing where you you've probably done it where you've gone out on a night out and you go to do it again the next day and then you just stood there and you're not up and you just feel you're a hollow man you go with a cup of tea would you do heroin no but like you can't predict the future um no i don't i don't think i think i would find heroin too heavy as like what is that just the stigma that's the stigma that comes with it that's why you don't

but that do you know what I mean about the crack and the heroin thing like I know it's the same but like it's it is way more stigma it's way less socially acceptable

oh if I turn up to a house party and people are smoking crack the first thing I think is like fuck this is going to be a story yeah like this is going to be

like a woman and people not even a bit but to this landlord dad it's literally all the same yeah yeah it's easy to go yeah this guy's a prick and he to be like a one-time thing. And people were not even a bit just like- But to this landlord dad, it's literally all the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's easy to go, yeah, this guy's a prick. And he does sound like a prick.

But to him, he's just like, people have done crack and heroin at my house near my daughter's chicken nuggets. And that's the worst thing to come out of the drug war yet, really, when you think about it. I think he's massively overreacted. I think I would have a way, but I'm going to go, look, I think he needs to be told,

look, a lot of people do this, especially around your daughter's age. Your daughter's a good girl. She doesn't do it. I wouldn't worry too much about it. You've made your point. It probably won't happen again in your house. Don't kick the poor girl out.

And to the girl who's sort of ran the party, who's written in, I'd go, yeah, if your roommate is this much against drugs, I wouldn't allow your friends to be doing it in your house. She's turned her dream into an office. She doesn't want to, did she? She doesn't fight for it to stay there.

She sounds like a lot of fun on a night out. She should just like, almost like count us in and just go turn her bedroom into like a constant sex place. She's like, no, no, no, you've got your office. And it's just like a guy with a needle out his arm and a blanket lying on the floor turkey twizzlers everywhere

well that's been an ep hasn't it that has been an ep the the reaction

to Carl's big fat silly stupid quiz has been amazing if you love the podcast

and you are like oh god I keep hearing about this patreon we've got two phenomenal lockdown lock-ins has been amazing. If you love the podcast and you are like, oh God, I keep hearing about this Patreon, we've got two phenomenal lockdown lock-ins and now this amazing quiz and then about nine months of weekly 90-minute episodes

of the Patreon special. We're getting a lot of trouble, but it's fucking great. And we're closing in on 3,000 Patreons, which is a milestone we really, really, really, really, really want to hit. Patreon.com slash halfwaypod.

Extra episode every week. Early access to public episodes. And once a month, on average, we do a bonus thing like the quiz or a lockdown lock-in of some sort

where we get pissed. And you know what? For three quid a month, I think it's as good a value as anything you spend your monthly money on. So go sign up now. Elliot, thanks so much

for coming on, man. Do you want me to plug anything for you? Yeah you can i just plug i'm starting up my youtube stuff again like i need to keep doing it but uh my instagram and twitter like i'm putting a lot more stuff out at the moment especially when stand-up comes back i'm going to be putting a lot more stand-up clips back taking what are your instagram and twitter uh elliot still on instagram and at elliot still come on twitter okay and youtube subscribe to my channel elliot still you get his things to slide in as well as ours this weekend

honestly boys it's been a pleasure you've been great thanks for coming up it's been really fun to talk to him mate and have a laugh sweet

my special very very close to 100,000 views which is Club Comic on YouTube we've still got some merch available again

coming to the end of that line of merch there is some new stuff coming that's at haveawaypod.com Dan do you do a side project?

yeah I do show me the sample we've just hit 2000 4k now when we hit 2000 Patreon subscribers I'm getting all the motherfucking drainage

and crack cocaine we've just hit 2000 subscribers on YouTube go and check out me and Felix Leiter it's at show me the sample. Pod.

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