Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #113 with Paul Smith & Lori Callow - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. So, Laura's gone. Where? Columbia. Mozambique. Azerbaijan. Ontario. Cayman Islands.

She's running Nestle. She's shagging a ballet dancer Called Roger Where's she gone? Bedfordshire To her mother's Why? No argument No fight

It's not my style I've peaked I've peaked with this lady I'm keeping her Long term Legally Emotionally She's tied down

Financially Defo tied down Is the house in both of your names? Yeah It's a joint thing Fiddy fiddy Legally, emotionally, she's tied down. Financially, defo tied down. Is the house in both of your names? Yeah. It's a joint thing. Fiddy fiddy. So you can't kick her out?

No. There's also the court system that will defend women from being booted out. Really? The fucking dishes haven't been done again! Fuck off, Debbie! You're out! You're in the garage, you lazy bitch! See, whenever I buy a house I'm not putting

Anyone else's name on it No of course But as if you buy the house Yeah that's If you're buying I can take them out then If you buy Yeah I think so

Unless it's It's my house Not her house Unless There is a point in time When I think It gets a bit Squirrely

Anyway The landscapers Are in the garden. There's two skips on the front. It literally looks like a gypsy's fucking front garden. Yeah. Sorry, a traveller's front garden. Do travellers have front gardens?

Surely, by their very nature, they don't have gardens. I think they have caravan skips. Skip. Fire pit. And four dogs. Boxing ring. I don't know. I don't know the culture. They do. Yeah, they do. And four dogs. Boxing ring. I don't know.

I don't know the culture. They do. Yeah, they do. Fake landscaping company. I tell you what, if you don't know the culture, that was a fucking educated guess I have, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've basically watched Snatch. Select that!

Do I like dogs? Oh, yeah. I like caravans more. You're very welcome. You're very welcome. Get to buy a drink. Do you know what's mad about Snatch? She's basically,

can I just fucking finish this one thing and you come back to Snatch? Can you just finish this one thing? Matt. Laura's gone. She's gone. She's gone. Yeah.

For a week. It's the best thing ever. She's took out over there. She's took out. What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't go and leave the child.

We're not having landscapers fucking bathroom being ripped out. We've timed this so horrifically and I know it's not the rules, but my mother-in-law and her partner have been shielding. They can't be in the house. So they've had to fuck off to Bedfordshire, maybe illegally, but I'll take the fine because you cannot have wife, pregnant wife and child around a bathroom.

That's got ripped out it looks like a fucking grenade's gone off upstairs and then all the landscapers like lads lads i'll have this done in 25 fucking minutes lads and you know he thinks i'm a tory as well i've just got that vibe about him like look at you with a fucking volvo you fucking tory you do give a bit of a what's vibe off. What's this fucking cheese? You fucking Tori. What are you getting? Garden apples. What? Tori that. Cheese in his house,

yeah. Are the apple trees? Oh, fucking hell. Have you got apple trees? What? Have you got apple trees in your garden?

No. Oh. I haven't got anything in my garden. He's ripped it all out. My cousin had apple trees in his garden when we were growing up.

He lives in Versace, which is exactly as rough as it sounds if you're not from were growing up. He lives in Versace. Which is exactly as rough as it sounds. If you're not from Liverpool. Versace. Yeah. Versace. I was born in Versace Hospital.

I was born in it. No, I was born in the font. Like that used to be a hospital. You know, the font, the student pub in town. At the old women's. What? At the old women's. I think it's called like Oxford.

Were you born in a, it's a screen maternity ward? That sounds like, that sounds like genuinely like the font just sounds like a student pub. Well, the font is a student pub that me and Carl used to spend a lot of time in because they used to play, they had an Xbox in there and FIFA. Oh, I love those pubs. I mean, I don't now, but I did when I was a lad. Yeah. We won a quiz there once, didn't we?

And we cheated. We cheated a lot. Yeah. And we won a crazy beer. Because we were like, they said the prize is 24 cans of Red Stripe. And we were like, fucking sick this. It was double bottles of Sagittarius. Was it?

The big Sagittarius. Yeah. 24. So that's like 48 beers. Yeah. Yeah. And we thought, right, we'll have a cheap night out here because we'll win the quiz by cheating. Right.

And. Then drink the beers. And they went, yeah, you'll have a cheap night out here because we'll win the quiz by cheating. Right. And. Then drink the beers. And they went, yeah, you can't drink them here. You've got to take them home. And we were like, we live in West Harbour. We've got a nice house. That is honestly, that's entrapment, that. Yeah.

And when we say cheating, we were just dead smart. What was our team name, Carl? I don't know. What was it? I remember what it was. Was it Les Dennis and the Horses? No, it was much more horrific than that. I don't even want to say it out loud,

actually. I think it's like, it belongs on Patreon. You're going to unlock it when you say it. Tune in next week for Adam's pub quiz name. Can you just give us

a realm of, was it topical at the time? Okay. Did it include a missing child? No. Okay. So,

I've got to contextualise this. There was a prize for the most offensive team name. Then I almost feel like that's... Ours was Jade Goody's missed smear test. Oh, yeah. You did unlock it. I've put that away. No wordplay. Just brutal. You know, like pub quizzes like ah it's

it's a little bit of word play nope not with young adam and young carl jay goodies miss smithess had she already died of ovarian cancer yes she fucking had obviously and did you win for that no because you couldn't win if you also won the quiz. We were too good. So I think- How did you cheat? I had a Blasphemy. Yeah, he had a phone.

This was before phones were like massive. I had a Blasphemy. When they had the full QWERTY keyboard. Yeah. Fucking flat. But if I remember rightly, I think what they did was they went, right, so you guys have won the quiz, and oh, they'd have probably, like, they went, right, let's go through the names now for the thing. And then they went, they picked one,

and they went, the actual winners of the most offensive team name would have been them, but they've already won, so they're not getting it. Because, like, the second prize was, like, a bottle of wine or something. But you couldn't drink in the fucking pub. No, but the wine, you could. And we were like, can we just have the wine?

Because we want to drink it here. And they were like, no, no, they've won the most offensive team. Do you remember what we did like two years later? We went in and tried to get in. We went in two years later and went, can we have our glass of the pub cuisine? Because they told us we could come back and pick it up. Completely different branding, completely different management.

Like the staff are like, mate, I'm going to work here for two more weeks. I've been here three. We actually went, can we have a crate? Because we said we won something two years ago. Yeah, no worries, lad. I'll just write that down on wastage. Is it Jade? Is that your name, yeah?

Yeah, there you go. Why is there a crate missing? Hey, fair, fair, fair, fair. The things we knew, the answers we got in that quiz were insane. We didn't cheat smart like we get that one wrong we get that one wrong

it was like I don't know where is the queen born or like how many toes has she got we knew that they were the worst

they were the worst examples of tricky questions how many toes has she got how many toes has the queen got how many lizards got?

I remember one of them was like, what's the latitude and longitude of the Amazon River or something? We got it right. And we were like, oh, I know that. So we went like, yes, please. Like the kids, and you see it loads in TV programmes and films, like the kids that steal the cheat sheet from school in America and then they sit the exam,

but then they get 100% and they get found out. Like, it's the most obvious tell but that, the font in Liverpool, like, fucking geniuses these guys.

I mean, they've got a pretty fucking dark sense of humour, I'll say. Half an hour before we're throwing their Xbox pads on a shit telly because FIFA's doing that.

I didn't. Yeah, but it was before phones had a BlackBerry with the fucking WAP. Remember WAP? They are WAP. Wet-ass pussy.

But it's not. It's Web Access Portal. Yes. So Brad Pitt was in Snatch. He was, yeah. Laura's gone. You guys are cheat. Yes.

You were born in the font. I was born in the font. And Brad Pitt was in Snatch. Eight minutes. Eight minutes. Next. I can tell everyone's in a good of. And Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt was in Snatch. Eight minutes. Eight minutes. Next. I can tell everyone's in a good mood. We're like.

It is mad that Brad Pitt's in that though, isn't it? Because he loved Lockstock so much. Is that what it was? Yeah. Big guy. He asked to be in. He asked to be in the next project. That's mad.

And they've gone, hey, you can be in it. Guy Ritchie made some fucking sick films. Yeah, he did. And then he had a bit of a weird period, didn't he? They were his two Lockstock You made Love Actually Lockstock came out

When I was finishing my GCSEs Or was I in A levels It was like 97, 98 And it was The coolest shit It's got the best soundtrack I think Or one of the best

British anyway Yeah Has to And we got the soundtrack And then learnt All the fucking bits in between Like Don't know Tom Seems expensive Seems Seems and we got the soundtrack and then learnt all the fucking bits in between like don't know Tom

seems expensive seems seems but it seems to be a waste of my time that is 900 nick in any shop you're lucky enough

to find in it and you're complaining over 200 did you watch it last night what school of finance did you study it's a deal it's a deal

it's sailing a fucking century in fact Nick fuck it I think I'll keep it alright alright keep your ellens on Jesus Christ you could choke a dozen donkeys on there what do you do It's sailing a fucking century. In fact, Nick, fuck it. I think I'll keep it. All right, all right. Keep your elements on. Jesus Christ. You could choke a dozen donkeys on there.

What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick? Finance revolutions. Hey, I'm working here. That is. I honestly haven't seen that film for 20 years. But when you're that age, you're such a fucking sponge for that sort of stuff. And we listen to that soundtrack all the time.

So good. So good. In fact, I am going to re-watch lockstock while laura's gone laura's gone she's gone i'm going to be she's coming back i'm going to be watching too much porn yeah i'm going to be looking at the garden with a thousand yards there because it's a shithole and then i'm going to watch lockstock and then have another one do you watch like waste porn porn when Laura's not in because you're not scared about getting caught? No. No? No.

I've got my same, if I'm, you know like, not just going to bed and like looking at dirty Twitter. Do you have the volume on louder? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even wear headphones. That's the treat. That's the treat. Yeah, yeah. I've got my headphones for the wank. Dan looks like this when he's wanking.

And they're on. That hoodie. Puts the roll caster on. You must be facing the door as well. Because otherwise you wouldn't hear them coming in if you've got your headphones on. I, honestly, when everyone's in bed and I go to bed, it's just quickly get Twitter out, pull the pod.

It's very functional. Practical. Yeah. But when everyone's, when Laura's gone, when the house is empty, you dare to treat themselves nice. I'm close.

You put it on your surround sound. Do you have a sexy one? I've got close to the point of like lighting some candles to make it romantic. Do you know, treat myself. Fuck them out when you come.

It was already gross. It's so funny with Adam. He's he's like yeah this isn't gross enough i've got layers let's add one the dirty onion but yeah whenever i buy an house i'm gonna have it written into the the thing that i can kick it out whenever i want yeah it's what friends of ours have done i don't want to get them into shit but we've got comedian friends who very sensibly like this is my money it's my name on the mortgage i love you to bits you live here and that's fine yeah but it's my house yeah you can decorate it however you want however if you're with sam she doesn't put a penny in and you own 100 i don't know what the legalities are

but after a certain amount of time they're basically they're basically like your common law wife right okay so what i would do in that then, I'll look into it before I buy the house. Have a break. No, I'll just rent a flat and I'll just slowly decorate it with stuff that it looks like she could own. And if she's ever like, no, I'm a common law wife, I'll go, she fucking lives in a flat five days a week.

And when they look into it, they'll go there and they'll be like, oh my God, and I'll plant her DNA there. I'll cut her hair when she's asleep. God. Take her eyelashes off. And I'll just spread them around the house is sam gone because it sounds like you're planning to murder sam like she lived there and i don't know how she died her dna is all over her flat that's how you know i didn't kill her the blood splatters in her flat that she didn't know about that i've paid for. Subtle. And I've eaten

the leg of lamb. So fuck off. You can't go to prison if you've eaten the weapon. Imagine if you said her house is full of the DNA and I've eaten the weapon. The only one. But I think that would work. She lives there.

She can't have half my house. She lives there. She'd have that house though loads of very successful couples live separately like it's not a bad idea you're not meant to live

with women as a man and women are not meant to live with men here it is Adam what who hurt you Adam

who hurt you how many divorces have you secretly been through you talk like a 50 year have you secretly been through? You talk like a 50-year-old who's been married three times and had all of your money taken off you by these. You are 29. Women and men just want different things in their house. Is this you coming out?

Are you gay? I'd love to be gay. This is why. Suck a bit of dick and play FIFA with your mate. What a life that is classic gay scene that's what i don't know if you've been to pride but they literally they get they get dolled up sit down with the boyfriend or common law husband and they just play fifa bit of a bit of a nosh fifa oh my god you scored a goal i get to come in your ass

that is the gay scene that is the gay scene it would be better though i'd much rather be gay but unfortunately i'm attracted to very beautiful women okay good save yeah just think public episode one day i'll find one it was a joke she doesn't watch um yeah men aren't meant to live with women women aren't meant to live with men it would be much better who are you going to live with what who are you going to live with no one all your friends so what should happen is there should be a three bedroom house with three men in

and their wives should all live together in another house right three of them like a separate high school but for grown men yeah

right so three men living together and then the three shithole absolute pigsty not necessarily you're quite tidy we'll have you and you'll sort our mess out honestly deal honestly i'm at the point now i've said it

before i i living with a partner's fine i'm not slagging it off it's great but the only other option is fucking on my own you can't can't live with lads right it's grim now have we lived together and all of our female ladies live together in the next house i love doing this podcast one of my favorite bits is when we've nailed a podcast going home you know what i mean imagine living together and then being like should we go and do the podcast be like no but imagine if we just got another room in this building we all lived in that right great we have yeah next one no third one oh yeah yeah he could that wouldn't he

you can do all the tidying me and Carl play FIFA can play FIFA I'll murder you I'll be buying legs of lamb

all over the shop and we'll eat them yeah cook them for us I'll cook you do the dishes and listen I'll dry

every girl I've ever been with for some reason, doesn't want as big a telly as possible. And I don't get it. Do you know what I mean? Hey, can we talk about this? I've heard a little bit of a, oh, it's a bit chavvy to have a big telly.

You're like, anyone who talks like that is not a sports fan. No. Because I'm lining up TVs for the garden office. Yeah. Going 35 inch. That's small. That's a fucking 80. No.

Why? Because they are redonkulous, aren't they? No. Exactly. See, I knew you were a woman deep down, you know. 55 inch in a garden office that's not colossal is a massive screen. Oh, is it? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's not a huge room. It's not as big as, you know what I mean? It should fill one yeah. Yeah. It's not a huge room. It's not as big as, you know what I mean? It's not like it should fill one wall. Yeah. I don't like wall-mounted TVs, though I like a little bit, I like the ability to sort of...

Twist it to where you start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But 40 inch below, what is it? 2007. I'm not doing this. I've got a 49 inch

in the living room and that's because when I was with my ex-girlfriend on Black Friday, she was like, I don't want any bigger than 42. 42 is the limit. Don't get a bigger one than 42. Why? Because for some reason, women don't want tellies to be massive.

So then I was like, right, I went on the Black Friday deals, and the 49-inch was the exact same price as the 42. Come on. And the only reason she Friday deals and the 49 inch was the exact same price as the 42. Come on. And the only reason she let me get the 49 was because it didn't make sense. And we got an extra seven inches for free. So she was like, right, you can get that, but no bigger. That 49 inch, I think would be perfect for the bedroom. It's a nice size.

It would pretty much fill the wall. I've got 50 inch in my bedroom. Yeah. Downstairs, I want basically, like, I want a wall with a, like, a 4K projector pointing at it. I just want, like, a massive fucking 80 inch. Oh, the NFL on a big screen is just something else. Particularly if you're not, like, at an angle.

If it's bang in front of you, you're like, oh, immerse me in the game. I love that shit. Yeah. The girls I was with before, before me most recent girlfriend they were like that and the other night i was in bed with uh new girlfriend now sam and i was like i want to get a bigger telly for downstairs move that one upstairs she was like you know i want to be a bit too big for the bedroom and i was like oh the one in your room is smaller it's daisy too you know that you know the answer to that? Rich people have got the answer to it. It is the screen in the back of the bed that goes, comes up. Literally, you're in bed, the foot of the bed,

the TV's in a thing, you press the button, it numpsies like. I've always wanted one of them, always. Then there can be no bitching. Because, yeah, is it too big? Well, put it away. And it goes away. That's the dream, isn't it?

That's what we're working for, guys. A better tomorrow. See, we can all have this in our house when the women are in the other place watching everything on their fucking iPads like they want. Yeah. Do you know Laura's coming back?

Is she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just want to make that clear. It's a public episode. Love you so much, babe. Can't wait to have a second child with you. But she's gone she's gone

she's gone I'm literally planning my wank for tonight it's going to be great yeah that's my plan anyway have a second just ignore that I talk about wanking so much

anyway alright I think we've done it have a second house that you can sort of splatter with their DNA. Obviously, you're... Stop using that terminology, mate.

Right. It's murder. No. I mean, all right, then. Flutter with their DNA. And obviously, if you're thinking your DNA is going to be in there as well, of course it is. That's my girlfriend.

Do you know that when you contest common law wife and like, basic, no one's doing DNA tests, it's not like CSI divorce. Yeah, I'm gonna forensics ring. You're like,

oh my God, this guy's not trying to give up part of his fucking equity in the house. Quickly, get the jizz kit. There's jizz here,

there's blood here, fucking DNA everywhere. She must live here. What's happened there? Jizzy blood um no but what i mean is if she goes this girl needs some sif right so let's say we're in court right and i go she doesn't even fucking live with me she lives in that flat right and she's like i've never even been there i can go you're laughing i can prove it get the fucking dna people in

what about witnesses or i'll pay someone off in the same right yeah yeah say you've seen this girl i'll have a picture of her did you pay the bin man off this morning no i didn't get any cash out yesterday what's up what's just happened what's just happened oh right i'm trying to get rid of a body you needed the bin man so my garage which i can't really use because the roof has leaked since before we moved in right and i was, the garage leaks can't be as fixed today. Is this real now? Because that was the future of you trying to get all your house back from a divorce that hasn't happened yet. Yeah.

This is now real garage talk. Real talk. Real talk. Yeah. I'll go back to the, you know, the future. No, you're right. You're right. Back to the future.

You flutter your DNA. Brad Pitt was in Snatch, wasn't he? He was in Snatch. Fucking, you know. Don't know you're right you flutter your DNA um Brad Pitt was in Snatch isn't it it's there fucking you know don't know I'll do everything

oh yeah I'll fight you for it I'll fight you fight a caravan I'll fight you fight you for the caravan a fucking tarts caravan

on a fucking caravan it's got no fucking wheels where's the fucking tape by it's got no fucking wheels I'll do the garden I'll do it all lovely you know get all it out Out of there You love doing the gypsy voice

You're so good at it That's why I know And I've just written A new bit about it Do a really good job here Mr Nightingale Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah Oh Mr Nightingale Look at that And I'll I'll grow you a beautiful afro Are you bald Under that stupid hat I'll grow you a beautiful

I got a lad Works in the Are you bald Bald How bald I thought you were like Are you bald under there Are you bald I'll grow you a beautiful... I got a lad who works in the... Are you bored? Bored. Oh, bold. I thought you were like, are you bold under there?

Are you bored? I'll grow you a beautiful afro. I'd love to see you in an afro. Go on, garage. Yeah, so I have got no idea. I've got no idea how families survive with one regular rubbish wheelie bin for a two-week period. Because after about three days, mine's full.

Yeah. Right? Are you recycling properly? Yeah. 100%? No percent. No, like 40%. Yeah.

So let's knock that down with Adam's relationship with the truth and percentages. That's 22 if you're fucking looking. It's 0%. It's not 0. What do you recycle? If you recycle it properly, that bin would not be full. It wouldn't.

Come on. Be honest, though. Real talk. No, it would be. Real talk, bro. Real talk, bro. It would. Come on, bro.

But what's happened is... Put on the T-shirt. Come on, bro. Because me garage is useless. Merch idea. how many coffees have you had yeah go on two yeah i think it'd be good this is my second one but it's got a double scoop in so it's like three in one it's like riding the wave um me garage because it's useless what i've started doing is when my bin's full i just throw the bin back in there i'll sort it out yeah for months who's the fucking gypsy no lad you know come on

now close the fucking door you won't even see it you know that's exactly what i've done it's disgusting i know it's vile you're a pig sort it out mate so i'm a busy man who's got a full bin you're a dirty busy what would you do what what would you do i've constantly got skips out the front of my house it It's fucking great fun. Wrapper, in. Can, in. Bin, in. Yeah, but what about before you had skips?

Sometimes... Fly tipping. You can go to the recycling centre and was it in the non-recyclables? I have done that a few times. Yeah. Don't put it in your garage because if there's food and shit in those bags,

that's fucking nasty, bro. No judgement, but... Shall I get a skip? You can't get a skip for your bin bags. Start recycling more. I know how to deal with the problem going forward. How do I deal with the problem I've got now, which is about six months' worth of bin bags in a garage.

Do you want some dad chat? Yeah. Get a bit of tarpaulin or just like a bit of whatever sheet down in the back of your kiosk portage because you don't want that. You don't want bin juice. We've done that twice. Twice and it's still full.

We've done that twice. And then put the bins in. Yeah, full to the recycling place. You're an intelligent man. You can do this. You know what to do. Skip. But yeah, maybe, yeah. 200 quid, 8 tonnes. You might maybe even get a cheap one. Start a fire in the garden. Arson.

Say it wasn't you. Right. Yeah. Do you think the fire department will believe that that's arson? Yeah. So just to check, Mr. Rowe, you think someone came and took all of your refuse, piled it up,

and there was an arson attack at the back of your garden that burnt your refuse? Yeah, but he's splattered DNA all over the garden. Oh yeah. Fluttered DNA everywhere. Chest of DNA in the garden, that wasn't me. Hey lads, it must be true. There's jizz and blood and hair samples

all around this arson attack. So these fuckers have come in, had a wank, had a bleed, had an haircut illegally, and then burnt Adam Rose fucking refuse. Bastards. I'm getting an illegal haircut on Tuesday. There you go.

Yeah. Fucking, I'll spike the ball, you slam it down. Yeah, my barber's been doing illegal haircuts. And I'm at the point with the rules that I'm just not following them. And I'm not, look, i'm not using my platform are we talking about late may 2020 or right now right now all right i don't know right i'm not following them anymore i don't care like yesterday me and carl went for a bike ride you're not meant to do that are you different households even though we work together and we spend time in the same car every

fucking week bad boy bad boys what you going for a bike ride what else we did we took a 40 with us households even though we work together we spend time in the same car every week we took a 40 with us you don't give a and we just kicked it to each other for each other yeah yeah covered ball yeah we were aiming for trees and that i is it twice in a row i punched a child he didn't punch a child i mean that's not really the Covid guidelines is it That's just human decency This is why the Tory government needs to take control Of Liverpool City Council Because of you ne'er do well Don't get me started on that I want to, I've been planning to get you started

But yeah, I'm ignoring you These bloody scousers We need to come in Even though not one of them fucking voted for us, and take over the city council. When I saw this news, I was like, oh my God, I wish Steph Johnson was on the pod this week. I think there's a legit chance

that whatever Tory comes to run Liverpool will get battered. Genuinely. I think he might get absolutely weighed in. What kind of Tory are they going to pick? Are they going to pick like a sneaky like... They can't pick a Jacob Rees-Mogg like... You might as well get fucking Himmler to come in and do the job.

Who's the most normal Tory? Did you just correct me on Himmler? Did you think I mispronounced Hitler? Yeah. You fucking meth. Did you go fishing then? It was a joy. Oh, God.

Honestly, you got me. Who's the most normal Tory? It was probably David Cameron. Who's the most normal Rory Stewart Tory maybe

there are some does that Saeed Awazi who can they send those people want to go eh but it doesn't matter

what's the old Home Secretary called the Asian guy he's actually quite Rishi Sunak no Home Secretary oh

erm Sajid David I feel like I'm not comfortable Guessing Asian names Yeah Why? Apuna has been a peddler Monty Panesar

Imagine If they send Monty Panesar Is it No he's a football referee No Why have you put Old home secretary Is it Mahandra Singh Dhoni Monty Panesar. Is it? No, he's a football referee now. Why have you put old home secretary? Is it Mahandra Singh Dhoni? Monty Panesar's a football referee now, by the way.

Yeah. Sajid David? Oh, Sajid Javid. Sajid David? Yeah. That's his name, isn't it? Sajid Javi? I don't know who is going to take on that job,

but that is not a fun... That's not a fun gig, is it? Being basically the Tory emissary for Liverpool City Council. So if you don't know, there's been old chippy tits, is it Joe Anderson? Yeah.

Has been accused of all sorts of underhand dealings. He's a big corrupt Everton cunt. Allegedly. That's his title and the Tories who have no MPs represented

in the Merseyside area I don't even they've got 4% of the vote 4% of the vote which is Southport Formby and Crosby

no Southport because there's some fucking rich scouts up there let's be honest there's still scouts there's a lot of them

and Southport is the only one that went even close to Tory. They got 4% of the votes on Mid-Side. And now they control it. And Keir Starmer can suck my fucking dick. That fucking ham-headed, grey-haired cunt.

He can literally die a thousand deaths by eating dog shit. I wanted to give that cunt a chance. really really did like this the whole sort of identity politics of politics now which like we're this and you're that and i'm getting so tired of that because i hate that we sort of know what anyone thinks on any subject based on who they voted for and like the fact that kia starmer was supposed to be more of a centrist to give labor a chance of actually winning a fucking election and getting into power and taking away

from the tories i was a hundred percent behind that as much as i was a corbyn supporter i was a hundred percent behind the idea of whenever the the establishments and the newspapers and the media are never going to let someone like jeremy corbyn win an election so for now at least for now we need to forget about that as an option go Go centre-left with someone like Starmer. So it's not the Tories. Make something non-Tory electable. But literally, a wet paper bag would be providing a better opposition.

I don't like talking about politics too much on this anymore because I'm so tired of it. I don't think I'll ever vote again because I really don't care anymore. Keir Starmer, I would literally love... I just want him a straightener. Just to explain, Keir Starmer, I would literally love, I just want him a straight neck. I just want him a scrap. Just to explain,

Keir Starmer did not oppose the Tory government's... He hasn't opposed anything. Well, he has, but he's, on this one, he's really fucked up. A massively Labour-supporting city

that is just like diametrically opposed to the Conservative Party in every way, politics, culture, and he had a chance to be like, no, this is not the option. And he went, yes, we're supporting the move for the government

to take control of Liverpool City Council. And you're like, man, if the Labour Party are going to be electable, how can you fuck off one of the biggest Labour supporting cities? Like, it's so frustrating because the more the left and the more Labour do this, the more power, the more chance the Tories have got to get another term in government and you're like,

they do so much damage to working life. Good God! I think we live in the third strongest Labour seat in the country. And I know a lot of people would now not vote for Labour because a mass misunderstanding in UK politics is that when you vote in a general election you're not actually voting for the leader of the party. You're voting to elect a local representative and

I don't think many people understand that and because a lot of people don't understand that like at the last election it was vote for corbin unless you're in islington you're not voting for corbin so that's what people look at it like and right now i wouldn't vote for kia starmer if that was my understanding of it still which it was up until a few years ago you're voting for the leader i wouldn't be voting for kia it doesn't help that they've started doing a very American-style leadership debate thing, which only happened 10 years ago or so. You are voting for the party, but you're not.

You're right, you're voting for MPs who then decide who the leader is. But yeah, the figurehead of a party is hugely important. And to fuck off all the Labour supporters in Liverpool it's just so depressing because ultimately it just gives them

a chance for longer to do all of this Tory aristocratic jobs for the boys shite that they've been doing come on bro

come on bro yeah Keir Starmer's a shithouse and any place any time let's have a scrap but before that let's have a word from our sponsors.

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And maybe your beard will suck you off a bit more often. Winner, winner, chicken chicken dinner back to the pod started using lint rollers quite a lot so just like a bit of lint off me yeah i'm a lint i'm a lint roller man you just look fresher don't you fucking tory um gonna start with an important question from a young man sending in his first correspondence. First question from Daniel Johnson. Oh. Yeah. First time emailer, long time listener.

Oh no, that's right. He's stalking us via Gmail. And honestly, if this is what stalking is, I'm into it. He's good at it. Because this motherfucker writes bare content. Do you know if we ever got a stalker? Like a proper one.

Mm-hmm. Right. Do you know if we ever got a stalker? Yeah. What level of stalking would you just be okay with? Ooh. Do you know what I mean? That sentence structure there gave me flashbacks.

A load of feeler clobber. Why? What level of stalking would just gave me flashbacks all right okay yeah what level of stalking would make you not kick off do you know what i mean please be careful um like if someone was this might be sexist i prefer a lady stalker yeah yeah easier to stalker yeah yeah easier to control what physically women are smaller weaker what are you what is up with you at the moment what is up with you dad from the pub in 1985 fucking hell you know what they're fucking like you are on one at the moment um i'm saying i don't want women are smaller and i'd love to see you get banged out by a woman

it'd be fucking brilliant not a woman alive mate Amanda Nunes would turn you into paste it'd be fucking brilliant to see you get sparked by not even a UFC fighter just Beryl from the fucking shopping centre so why would you rather have a woman stalker then

because I don't want to get bummed by a stalker I like the podcast Dan Have a woman stalker then? Because I don't want to get bummed by a stalker. I like the podcast, Dan. Bye, Felicia! As he bums me. So you're saying bumming would be too far? You don't have to get bummed either. What?

That's not a prerequisite to being a stalker. I'll get to bum you. I think, in my head, I'm taking it to where the worst it could end up being. But like if someone was just following you. I don't want to be bummed or murdered. Or either. If someone was just following you. I don't want to be bummed or murdered. Or either. If someone was just following you and just like waving and that. Like every now and then you open your door

and they're like, you alright Dan? And then they walk away. Yeah. Would you be bothered? Yeah. Yeah, I don't. I don't want that.

I wouldn't want you outside my front door waving at me. Adam's here again. Doesn't make sense. You alright lad? See the studio. It's fucking weird if anyone did it. It would be weird. But could you put up with it? Adam's here again Doesn't make sense Alright lad See you in the studio Fucking weird If anyone did it

It would be weird But could you put up with it I could Again if Laura's gone Yeah No Laura's there No I don't Laura's back

I don't want I don't want any podcast listener To be like Hey Hello Etta That would freak Me The fuck out

Yeah Cause she'd be like Daddy who's that man And I'd be like I don't know But he knows everything about us because I'm a bellend

who puts my life on the internet quickly we're moving where to daddy keep it quiet it's a secret so let it on to us

it's too far I just want to let our listeners know what level of stalking we're willing to put up with I like free things yeah post them what about threatening letters

dirty knickers oh yeah I love threatening letters what the fuck are you on about free things to threatening letters what about you what about threatening letters dirty knickers oh yeah I love threatening letters what the fuck are you on about three things to threaten in letters what about you what about you you've got a new relationship

I think if like they're just waving at me in there you know what I mean yeah there's no difference to just having a next door neighbour who's always in his garden isn't there

yeah like how do you know for sure I don't think the problem with women that have been stalked or celebrities that have been stalked I don't think the problem with women that have been stalked or celebrities that have been stalked I don't think the occasional wave

has been the real problem that's what I'm saying though yeah as long as it doesn't go past that I can put up with it because how do you know that your next door neighbour isn't stalking you

how do you know he definitely lives next door because he bought his house in 1998 so he was really playing the long game on that one he's fucking clever like that.

Do you know when you do know? When you're going the golf course and they're driving out the golf course. Shout out to everyone who gave us feedback on Monday's Patreon and I am not a big fan of that. Look, people are saying it's the best one ever, ever, ever. But there was a couple of moments in there

that were some of my favorite patreon for a long time you you like adam was on absolutely priceless form and i love it when you're laughing because you were making yourself laugh for most of it like adam was on form and enjoying his own form which is a brilliant thing but there was a if you're not a patron come on bro come on, bro. Come on, bro. Come on, bro. It's 3,031 people. Real talk. Is that right? Monday's episode was so good. And I love having guests on, but sometimes when the three of us, well, sit down and like,

and just, it was so good. And that stalking story that you told, and I'm not ruining it because if you've not paid three quid a month, you don't deserve it. Fuck me. That was fun. I think we're going to clip parts of it off aren't we oh it'll be you gotta see some of it bro it'll be the clip yeah if i was getting stalked and they were just like waving at me and all and like saying oh your hair looks good today if they were just compliments

then i could put up with that yeah but you're not describing stalking, are you? You're describing just regular nice things. Listen, I can handle stalking if they come round and they've brought me a nice cake. You know, I can handle stalking if they're out of nowhere going, Adam, I've got some lemon drizzle for you. Adam, not shouting, I've got some Viennese world. Oh. Do you know what it is? I love a Viennese wheels do you want these yeah Adam

Adam I know you didn't ask me to I've mowed the front garden I've mowed the lawn for you lad done your tax return hey I've washed your car see you later

just waving though and Adam Adam when you're asleep at night I come in your house and I jizz on your pillow that's not dribble see that would be too far And Adam, Adam, when you're asleep at night, I come in your house and I jizz on your pillow. That's not dribble.

See? Yeah, see, that's it. That would be too far for me. Do your eggs? Do your eggs? Bloody hell, I've been dribbling a lot in the light. Waking up, you know when there's a little bit of a wet patch on you? Oh, yeah.

What if a stalker just wants to come and do those first things for me? Clean my car, isn't that? That's not a stalker. That's a personal assistant. But one I don't pay. Yeah, yeah. Slave. It's an intern.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We pay you. I'd be up for that. Yeah, okay. And what about when they kill a pet and wear us a hat? Is that too far? See, that's not stalking.

That's pet murder. Yeah. I don't want that. There is offshoots of stalking that aren't what you want. Not just like upkeep of your front lawn. What a weird stalker. Too far that lad. Hey, I like a stalker.

You've gone way too far then. I wouldn't mind if like... You have to wash me fucking pillowcases. I didn't wash them. I just threw them in the garage. In a big bag of jizzy bed linen. What if

they just they clean my car they do the gardening and that they're mowing but every now and then Are you doing a job advert for Guys

listen Finn's the intern we've actually given him more hours but we're actually looking to fill another role here at Havowood Adam's

helpful stalker. Yeah. Know where the line is. Don't hurt him more hours but we're actually looking to fill another role here at have a word adam's helpful stalker yeah know where the line is don't hurt him or his family but you know help with gardening yeah but also if occasionally they want to like rob one of my t-shirts or some of my undies and that that's a small price to pay for a nice bit of grass in your garden isn't it so and clean windows you don't you do you realize do they let they obviously just come in your house without you know off the line right off the washing line do you put a lot of washing out on the line adam yeah is this a made-up situation in your mind or do you actually do that no i do yeah yeah yeah in the summer don't put out in the winter because then they get rained on it's all right yeah and then they end up wetter than Don't put it out in the winter because then they get rained on. It's alright.

Yeah. And then they end up wetter than when you put it on. And then they've got to go in the garage as well. Okay, now that's in the garage. Domestic refuse fucking jizzy pillowcases.

So what you're saying is you're happy to pay a landscape gardener with underwear. Yeah. Slant. There you go. That's an advert.

Any landscape gardeners like underwear. Adam's box. How old? Have you got an age range on your stalker? I don't want anyone. Male or female?

You don't care. Or do you want a male stalker? Because women can't be trusted to do the job right. I don't know. I'm speaking for you. Women are really good. Well, honestly,

I, please, whoever it is that is the mystery no context have a word i would love it if you just collect that out and to most people it'd be like why is that funny but just how do we go women are really good just it would be great if you could i've got no problem with women i just repeatedly point out that they're very different to men and that they don't belong in our space. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, bro. There you go. 30 second contract.

Come on, bro. Come on, bro. No. I, yeah. So a man. I don't mind. Right. Man or woman?

I don't mind. Right. You're fucking very liberal, aren't you? What? You'll be stalked by anyone. Yeah. Pre-op transsexual, you know? Yeah.

You don't care. Old or young. Absolutely. Old or young. Nah. Yeah. I don't want any children. No.

Child labour, no. That's fair. It's fair. Not a big problem with kids these days, is it? Like, you know, not a lot of parents are like, oh fair it's fair not a big problem with kids these days is it like you know not a lot of parents like oh it's really difficult

we're on mum's net all the time trying to find the solution like we thought screen time or bullying at school would be the problem but actually

little Jeremy is stalking a 29 year old comedian from Liverpool it's a nightmare because he's an 8 year old from Worcestershire I don't think it's a massive problem

so you might be alright there so no children no kids no kids because he's an eight-year-old from Worcestershire. I don't think it's a massive problem, so you might be all right there. So no children. No kids. No kids. No old dudes. Like, hey, all right, I do. I'm not ageist, but I don't want anyone who's going to be complaining that the back's hurting

while they're doing the stuff. I'm trying to stalk you, but me fucking hand jacks. Or you could batter him. I don't want to fight them why would you want to fight the stalker they're incredibly helpful oh yeah I suppose

that's the level of stalking I'm going to put up with once a year they're allowed to break in and have a look around as well as long as I'm stealing right

once a year yeah right and do you get to specify when or is it Christmas dinner they turn up cock out once a year yeah right and do you get to specify when or is it Christmas dinner they turn up

cock out I've cleaned your car with me pubes it can't be any major public holidays right yeah because no one wants

to see a stalker's knob on a bank holiday Monday fact absolute fact you've had a family barbecue here comes Derek the ageing non-child stalker

oh I do I've pressure washed your driveway with me dick you having a barbecue can I get my underpump payment please so question from Dan

So Hey lids Quick one But a weird one Do fat gay Quick one Oh Dan Quick one

But a weird one Do fat gay couples Do tit wanks Discuss Thanks Dan Johnson Adam Do fat gay couples

Do tit wanks I read it. I was like, come on, bro. And then I was like, that's a really valid question. I think it's a common misconception that fat men have fuckable enough titties. Like even really fat men,

like I'm quite fat. You couldn't get a dick between these. Know what I mean? Like I'm helping no one here Even like Have a word No context Have a word

His ex His head fell off What hair I don't know We don't know what it is Come on bro You'd be better Trying to fuck

Me side rolls Oh Stop talking sexy I'ma like that I'ma like that There's more chunk on me side. You love handles. Yeah.

You can shag me love handles, but me tits are a bit useless. There is nothing to add to that. Nope. And the question wasn't even about Adam, because he's not in a gay couple. I think gay guys get up to a load of things. You know, they sit down, they bum, they play FIFA. They sit down? Yeah.

They sit down and bum in. They're big lads, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fuck each other's muffin tops. I don't know that Jeff and Darren are getting the fucking lube out and being like, come on. Nah, it's not sexy, is it?

Because women's boobs are great. Men's boobs are, you know, an indicator of heart disease. Men's boobs tend to sort of go outwards as well. Do you know what I mean? Like they sort of like... You speak with such authority. It's almost like you've tried to have a fat man gay tit wank i just yeah i just don't see it as a viable they tend to right they've not yeah yeah

yeah yeah can i just say about the old tit wank again it's back to that thing that it's been glorified by porn and it's just like that i have um i have known some ladies in my time and the couple of um lady callers that i've spent time with who've actually had the ample papage medical term to perform a proper boob and never really offered it up and i've never asked the one time the girl get up the one time a girl has done it she wasn't she she didn't have the god-given gifts to do it and it was like we did it but she was like

is this good I was like no not really because your boobs aren't big enough and I'm not into it anyway it was really like just like

it was basically like what you've just described like there wasn't just enough there wasn't enough pappage to get the job done not enough

pappa booby dee op not enough pappa booby dee op rest in peace yeah I've really enjoyed the soundboard today yeah you've smashed it yeah but like Papa Booby Deop Not enough Papa Booby Deop Rest in peace Yeah I've really enjoyed The soundboard today Yeah you've smashed it

Yeah But like Yeah Tit wanks are definitely Sort of Not into it They're Not into it

They're glamorised by porn But there's too much admin You have to be in The perfect position I think that's a lot What do they lie down And you get on top It's a very

Unnatural position isn't it I think They have to be on their knees, really. It has to be in the blowjob position. You have to be sitting in your favourite chair. Yeah, because if you let them lie down, and this you can tell I've never done it, you get on top. Basically, you're just rubbing your gooch against the chest,

like, oh, come on, bro. We're going to need a wet wipe. Yeah. Like, it's one of those things where it's just, you know, it seems better than it's going to be. Yeah. It's like getting an Indian takeaway to your house. Like we were saying the other day.

It's just like that. Also, I'm not one for, like, where are we going to fuck in the house? In the bed where it's dead comfy. Maybe a couch once in a while. But, like, oh, my God, we fucked in the pantry i don't know who has ever said that but like the airing cupboard like what who wants to bonk in different places when you're young you're like i want to shag in every room at least once really yeah yeah where do you keep the information is it in your head or do you have it on the on the fridge yeah with a

little magnet yeah places where adam and sam nothing better than being balls deep in some pussy while you can smell bolognese over the cooker. Made up words from a silly man. Where's the maddest place you've had sex? What? Where's the craziest place you've had sex? I can't even ask you. I know.

What? Because he's a fucking arsehole. What? Because he doesn't tell stuff. I'll tell you in a bit He's a gimp Mine's the best Oh you've got private little secret things

No it's an ex-girlfriend So I'm not going to talk about it Oh Can't I bring it up Then you big nonce You fucking did I said where's the best place Yeah and do we never throw questions back at you

Where was it? Tell us right now I owe you I owe you get a fucking 10 year old stalker Where's the weirdest place you've ever had sex? In the garage. In the garage?

Your garage? Yeah. With Laura? No. Pre-Laura. In the garage you have now? What? Do you think I fucked someone?

I've been with Laura six years. I think I banged someone in the last 18 months. There's numerous garages. When I say the garage. You're like, what? Your garage? At your address? The one that's been cleaned out by a weird man called Brian?

No, back in the day, garage was a weird one. Because we just didn't have anywhere else to go. We were just young and horny. So we banged over my dad's black and decker. Not black and decker. What do you call it? Like a, you know, like the dads have like a desk in the garage, don't they?

To do dad shit. The work, the work top. Yeah. Work bench. Work bench. I'm sure I've already told you this, but I've fucked in the grounds of a church.

Same here, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rough day, that. Cars aren't good. It was in the car.

What church? What? The car was in the grounds of the church. So you fucked in a car, then? Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it was in the grounds of the church. I think more the car, I think car's more the location there than the church.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when you say, I fucked in it, it's like you got out and you banged up against a grave stone. Ooh, 1859. What church was it? It was over the bonnet. Oh. A bonk over the bonnet oh my god right in front of the church i have just remembered a story i have just remembered a story that has come back to me and it's so cringy when i

was with my ex-girlfriend who i loved and was crazy back about 12, 13 years ago we did a role play I don't know how we got in the conversation but we said I want like I think it's sexy like being a prostitute

and I was like alright you wanted to be a prostitute listen to me Adam it's crucial that you listen and don't wander off and look at times

stay with me what kind of fucking fantasy as a 26 year old is like i want to be a prostitute love will you pick me up on the street corner i wear heels no she wanted to be the prostitute i got cash out agreed how much to pick her up at the court i think 40 quid she was cheap cheap whore that's the fun of it i don't want to overpay her that's not sexy she was a slut she wanted to be that's the fancy in it yeah we agreed to meet at a certain point at the fun of it. I don't want to overpay her. That's not sexy. She was a slut. She wanted to be. That's the fancy, isn't it? Yeah.

We agreed to meet at a certain point at the corner of her street. Did you drop it off? No, I wouldn't. Just drive around the corner and pick it up again? No, no. We weren't living together. Oh, right. So I drove from mine.

There was no text like, I'll be there in five minutes. She was waiting on the street corner. She dressed all, like, tarty. Tarty. Yeah. She wasy yeah great like a street whore and i pulled over went i think i must have said something like how much love do you take american express no i was like i think she was like are you looking for business or something or then she got in and we went round to a Sainsbury's car park and I banged her on the bonnet near the recycling bins.

You know, like the bottle bins. I think he's trying to get us back from the store. I believe him, fully. I can't lie that quick. I can't lie as quick as you. Right, okay. That is 100% true. She dressed as a prostitute

and we banged on the bonnet of my at the time ford escort red ford escort my god one of them exactly the same it was round it was round near the bottle bins of a sainsbury's car park at about nine o'clock on a tuesday night when we lived in manchester and then finished she didn't talk much and then i just gave her the money and she got out and then I drove home and then texted her about half an hour later going, you're right, babe,

is everything all right? Because I, she was like, you're not even meant to do one lap of the block and pick me up. It's fucking pissing down. Yeah, yeah.

I'd already done two punters by the time you got there. You really seem, you really got into the role. You seem distant. She was like, I thought we said seven. You turned up at eight.

I've made 180. You've got a very popular car I got very confused there's Ford Escorts everywhere shag this dog I mean I should have known when you weren't three Asian lads but I mean once you've got in the car

you don't want to break the role play see if that was me I'd want to be the prostitute what oh you don't he just wants money I'd want to break the role play See if that was me I'd want to be the prostitute What You just want some money I'd want to be like high class I'd turn up in a suit Oh you mean a jiggler

I thought you were going to be in a shirt Fishnet stockings With lipstick looking like the ugliest Prostitute Wes Darby's Ever seen Do so much for your ego if you fucked a woman so good that she gave you money.

Do you know what I mean? If I had a suit on and she just drove past and was like, will you go and fuck me? And I'd be like, for 100 quid. Oh, you were jiggling

while you were using a successful man. If you did that and you stood at the corner of a street and waited to be picked up, it would be the worst role play ever. Like, yeah, you've got to watch out for certain bits of Liverpool.

Friday and Saturday nights, you go round the industrial bits particularly. There's loads of men in suits on the corner. Yeah, they all look like they've been to job interviews or they've been cold calling for fucking Eon. A good suit, let me watch on that. In my head, I run an international business. And you fuck for money.

And I fuck for money. A hundred grand. An international business. And I fuck for money in Shebrooke. Pick us up near the park. I'll be wearing a fucking hublot.

Nearly real. That is so good. Yeah? So good. Do you want to be a dirty little prostitute? I'd just get the girl in question to pull up. There's artwork being made as people are watching this. Adam Rowe.

What is it? Juice Bigelow. He wouldn't be Adam Rowe. What would your name be? What's your prostitute? Vance. How'd you even come up with that? Vance.

Vance McFox, weren't they? Go on. It's got to be a Dutch second name, I think. No. I think it's like... Vanda Dick Split. No. It's got to be real

because I run an international business. Vance. Vance. Vance Joy. Arnold. Vance Arnold? Do they sell cars? Used cars.

Donald Clark. Isn't Vance Arnold like a used car seller? No. I'm thinking of it. I'm thinking of it. Audi. John Audi. I'd be Dirk Van Nistelrooy Dirk Van Nistelrooy

It's so obviously fake Vance Arnold Dirk Dirk Van Nistelrooy It's got to be a Dutch name Nothing like No not one of the

Most famous strikers That play for Holland No I'd be I'd be Dick Van Basten I don't know John Clive John Clive famous strikers to play for holland no i'd be uh i'd be dick van basten john clive virgil weinaldon what was the uh young worth hessling oh young venegar of hessling young venegar of hessling yeah i'd get young venegar of i'd get the one to pull up and be like hey you look boss in

that suit and then I'd be like Clarence Seedick I run an international business I make billions alright and she can I play the girl yeah

I'm not on your fucking LinkedIn I just want dick do you yeah yeah how much how much are you gonna pay for the advance

well I'm I need an advance payment. Oh, my God, he does his own wordplay. If you've got a business card, you fucking... Vance Armstrong, pet detective. And if you also want a 2008 Ford Focus... Vance Arnold, I will fuck the shit out of you and get you a Ford Ka for about £180 a month on finance.

You'll have cheers everywhere, you've come, poom poom juice everywhere, and you'll have it paid off in 36 months. I love the idea of you just standing on a corner waiting for that. Just a load of fucking bellends on a corner all suited up.

And the police going come on yeah and then i'll be like yeah i'll fuck you if you want but it's gonna cost you how much 100 quid cash yeah yeah do you want me to take checks you want me as a tongue-punched asshole as well oh no i like to be oi vance you're an international man of gigolos Like surely you know how to talk to a lady Yeah I do Yeah Yeah I do Get on your back

And get ready for the dick Love International Does that work internationally That kind of sweet talk Go to Italy Fucking these Milan birds love it Get on your back

Trying to get Google Translate. In France, Paris. Où est on la bache? Je suis fuck you très hard.

Thierry, on me. Get on your back. In, in what? Who wants? Italian? Yeah. Me diti sur Spalier amour. on your back in in what we want italian yeah

yeah get on your back love now chop chop got other other people to please i've got a fucking business to run as well is there a queue of cars like a McDonald's like a McDonald's drive-thru after lockdown's lifted

go on love quick as you're on your back the better I've got a I've got a fucking regulars honking the horn Sheila's three back

you better have some jizz left for me Vance give me 12 minutes love I've got a quick reload awkward 12 minutes as everyone just sits

waiting he's running a business in himself isn't he yeah he needs to franchise it out who would you have as a little sub

Finn Finn's got a weapon hasn't he yeah yeah I don't think he can pull off such a cool name no

no Finn Cuvalluz yeah Cullivutz yeah oh he's pull off such a cool name, no. No? No. Finn Cuvalluz. Yeah. Cool of us. Yeah. Oh, he's got a single out today. He's got a single out today, yeah. Go check it out on Spotify.

He's not here right now because he's at a funeral. He's having a weird life, isn't he? He's our assistant producer while he's still a student. It's fucking unbelievable. And he's producing singles and he's at a funeral of some sort. I mean, that is quite a Friday, isn't it? Yeah. So, big love, Finn.

He's coming in later, isn't he? He is, yeah. Question two. Shall we have one more bit of bollocks? How did we get there? Genuinely? Storian, would you rather? All right, boys.

All right, boys. Boys? Wild. All right, boys. Here's a would you rather for you, boys. Alright, boys. Boys? Yeah. Alright, boys. Here's a would you rather for you, boy. Here's a would you... I couldn't do it. South African?

Yeah, I'm going to do it all in South Africa. Last year, I had a stupid one-night stand, yeah? Wow, that was really strong. They're a bit Dutch, you know, the South Africans. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Alright, boys. Here's a would you rather

would you rather for you last year I had a stupid one night stand with this is from Megan who's great by the way last year I had a stupid

one night stand with a waiter from my cousin's wedding and took him to the room I was sharing with my parents so while they were at the wedding party downstairs me and me and my drunken state thought it was a good idea to have a shag took him to the room I was sharing with my parents. So while they were at the wedding party downstairs, me and my drunken state thought it was a good idea to have a shag in the same room, not thinking they would walk in. We were having a great time. We were doing it doggy style. And then he just said,

your dad's looking at me. I told him to shut up. And he said, seriously, I looked up and my dad was just staring at me. I wanted to die. But because I was drunk, I told him to carry on after my dad walked out in disgust. Next thing I know, my mum come in shouting and well and truly put a stop to the shagging. So I want to know, would you rather walking on your parents having sex or them walking on you having sex? Megan, the would you rather is not the fun bit the story is my favorite bit i must have read that in the email or something because i felt

like we'd done that before but we haven't have we no you you must have read it i must have read it yeah um yeah i mean my dad has walked in on me once before i think we mentioned that recently yeah my dad's walked in on me you take that embarrassment of not seeing your parents bang any time I don't care what position you're doing whether you're role playing that you're an international

fucking gigolo like Vance Arnold you know and you're doing the finance on a lovely family account I don't want to walk in on my parents it's worse walking in on your mum I think

oh yeah because she'd taken a dick especially because our mums have died so they've got that special like yeah

they've been dug up too far ja erm he's lost he's lost his rhythm there didn't expect it

it was already pretty harsh didn't expect it miss you already pretty harsh didn't expect it miss you mum yeah erm yeah don't want to walk in on my dad

I find it awkward enough when I use my dad's phone for something and I see the porn he was looking at on his oh no internet

oh no really dwarves everywhere no your dad's your dad's into dwarf porn I probably shouldn't put that out there that was a joke yeah Dwarves everywhere. No. Your dad's into dwarf porn.

I probably shouldn't put that out there. That was a joke. Yeah. The thing about digging mums up, I mean, that can roll with, but like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've seen it a couple of times and you just never want to think about your dad. I would never use my dad's phone if that was the case.

I'd be like, well, that was a one-time deal and I'll go without Google for this instance. going to a wedding and getting so pie that you're like i'm gonna fuck a waiter and we've all worked in the uh bar we've all been barmen and like that's the dream in it to be what fucking bridesmaids to just, promiscuous, like, are these fucking knobheads on the dance floor? But you've been serving drinks all night and I like you. What do you want to do?

Do you want to come to this room? Like, as a member of staff, you're like, that's the dream. Yeah. I watched a lad that I worked with at the Hyena Comedy Club

when, back in the day, get offered a threesome by two girls that had come in drinking. And he was a good looking lad and he, and he was quite straight laced

and they were being really confident with him and i think this wasn't their first rodeo and they were like pretty openly like what time do you finish we will stay and drink with you and we will take you home and he was like i don't uh and they were enjoying that he wasn't into it. Oh, shit house. And there was at least three other members of staff, including me, going, if he doesn't do it, fine, well. And they were like, yeah.

They honestly didn't even break eye contact for anyone else. They knew that all the staff were talking about this now because this had been going on for a while. They were drinking at the bar downstairs for a while. They didn't care that people were like have you heard fucking matt on the bar downstairs has had two girls propositioning for a threesome he's saying no so that all the staff were like accidentally on purpose making their way around cleaning glasses around them like fucking all the fit the fit and they knew it was going on and then the lads were like hey if you hey if you we won't

we will and they were like no that's not the game and they and he didn't oh you shithouse they were cute as well you bet a couple of years a couple of years older

that waiter one that's a little role play fantasy I'd be into you know if I was at like a wedding with me missus I'd go and change out of me fucking best man suit

because obviously I'm the best man at a wedding obviously and I'd put a fucking waiter thing on and just start bringing her bevvies. And she's like, what are you doing? Because I wouldn't tell her.

And then I'd be like, role play. Yeah. I'm going to fuck you. You've got to pre-agree the role play. No. Yeah. Just let her get onto it. Do you know how unsexy it would be

when you've dressed in the wrong uniform because you didn't know what uniform the staff were wearing? The first point, all the staff are like, and then the supervisor comes over, excuse me, you can't be behind here

and you're getting like a taboo and lemonade like, shut up. I'm sorry, we don't accept that kind of card. You're going to have to pay another way

and you've got the manager going, you're going to have to get off the bar, mate. You don't work here. up i take payments in all types of we take if the manager's pissed off boom boom juice if the manager's pissed off then i could like role play being sacked do you know what i mean and then that's why i can drink with her for the rest of the night yeah don't even't even want to work here anyway. Do you think that's a girl's fantasy? To fuck an unemployed waiter?

What I really want to shag is an unemployed member of a Holiday Inn staff. Yeah, just like some women like to see strength from a man, don't they? And others

like to see the vulnerability of unemployment. Yeah, exactly. Brexit is sexy. It's about getting the balance. So telling the manager, hey, don't even want the job anyway. I'd fucking smash your head in if I wanted to. You literally don't work here, sir.

Not anymore. Now that I've told you to, fuck off. And that's when the father of the bride comes up. Excuse me. It's your speech. It's your best man's speech. What the fuck are you doing in a... A Wetherspoon uniform.

I'll deal with you in a minute, John. The most complicated role play ever. Adam's trying to fulfil his duties as best man while getting sacked and banging his missus who has no idea what the fuck's going on. Come on, bro. There's no topping that, kids. Let's have a little

intervales. And we've got Laurie and Paul coming up. Third time's the charm for Paulie Smith. Our first triple guest, Paul Smith,

and he's bringing his missus in today. They do their own podcast called What's the Story? Paul and Laurie, and they'll be with us just after these messages from the money cunts. Do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world? Well, I do, but I'm sick of getting beat by the bookies.

Now, I've been going to bettinggods.com since they started sponsoring this podcast. They're a great sponsor to have on board, and they are the best tipsters in the betting game. Anything from tennis to ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now, and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners. Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets. You want to be winning your bets. Bettingguards.com. They're going to help you do that. Is it all cleared up then? Yeah, it's just creams.

Creams. Yeah. Yeah. Should we do this privately? No. All right. Cool. For the public.

Yeah. It's my racism. It's all cleared up now. You get creams for your racism. What? Hi, guys. You all right? All right.

We've got some guests. Yeah. Why did I sound right all right we've got some guests yeah why did i sound really fake then we got yeah you sounded like like a local bbc radio host there hey we've got some people in shit about their listeners paul and laurie are here paul smith from the what's the story paul and Paul and Laurie podcast it's a crossover episode well not really you're not getting the you're not getting the files we can't get used to the last

why not how many are you joking oh it's really because it's in my spare room and I couldn't fit anyone else in there looks good though you've got a little studio

set up in that yeah good I'm happy with it to be honest just enough for this podcasting stuff now you're very good at all the other stuff can we just have this please come chasing us after it

what are you doing is this you now or with the other podcasts or is this another one of nah I was doing the the one with me and guests

you were doing the Paul Smith podcast yeah the Paul Smith podcast and it was alright it was fine but then all my guests strapped out

because of lockdown and we couldn't get in the club to do it so I was like what am I going gonna do and then i've been wanting to do one with it a while because i know we have good banter so we just sat down and done one one night and it was that good and then i forgot to record it you forgot to turn the zoom on that's so good you only do it once we went 22 minutes in and then adam just started moving his head forward because he was like that side and then he was like what it's not even on yeah i've got so you know you know when this button is still green yeah because you're having press record i was just like

it's that fucking green fire and then we and then you have to go back and like should we say it again you can't well listen because we have to just write it off because we were gonna do it again and i was like no because we'll try and say the same thing again and it'll never come out the same way so just let's just leave it because that's the whole thing with podcasting we were talking about mock the week like last week and and people emailed in going yeah i've always wanted to know how it works and i never enjoyed it once I knew it was a bit more set up. The reason people love podcasting is because they know it's in the moment fucking about.

As soon as it's like a bit pre-planned and cheesy, everyone's like, nah, it's just shtick, innit? Yeah. It was really, really funny. Last week we spent the first half of the episode talking about like how certain TV shows work. And Moctowee got a bit of a crucifixion last week and then Elliot Steele

was on and we talked about it even more. Basically slagging that show off. Yeah, nail in the coffin sort of like banter. And then my agent rang me this morning

and was like, we're pushing you for Moctowee. I love Moctowee. Moctowee are watching everything that you do. No, they're fucking not. So this is it.

This is what you're going to, you're not going to do the old one. This is Paul and Laurie and this is it this is what you're gonna it's you're not gonna do the old one this is paul and laurie and it's this is the future i'll be honest right like props to her because as soon as we did that one it like tripled the the downloads and views so i was like fucking no point me going back yeah it's much more entertaining though isn't it to watch a couple i'm a lot more comfortable doing it yeah and i i enjoy it a lot more and it's just and it's it is easier just being meows and doing it and we can smoke a bit of weed and stuff on i think i think what it is i think because everyone sees paul

like as he's like giving everyone shit all the time yeah so i think it's it's a nice contrast for people to see him getting shit you know yeah and uh and and you and he just bless him he just takes it but that's nice i haven't got much choice but i think people like they like a bit of piss tape but people like the sort of the dynamic of like ah these two are a couple like yeah it's a familiar yeah it's familiar having a random guest thing because i did a podcast way back the first one i ever did having a different person in every week is such a roll of the dice when you're going right we're sitting down this could be great could be a bit dodgy when you've got someone that you do it with regularly

obviously if you're a couple i mean we're not far off are we we get a regular guest in every week but and most of the guests we have in because we're very selective over who we have on like they just it's sound and we have a laugh just being a couple and you know that there'll be comments on this video now and they'll be correctly guessing exactly can you sell sulfur because it got eggy in here mother just being a few. A while back, I'm not going to name them because I'm sure we've referenced, I think we referenced it on the lockdown,

like in months. Like I did an Instagram ask me anything, which I know you used to do sometimes. And someone said, who was the worst guest? And as a joke, I said, go and watch them all. It's dead obvious. And then I had about 30 to 40 messages all with the exact same guest. And we were like, oh shit. I was joking, but apparently it's dead obvious and then I had about 30 to 40 messages all with the exact

same guests and we were like oh shit I was joking but apparently it is dead obvious but when you've got each other

and you can like post lockdown that's how you progress isn't it you go oh hang on you can get someone in to join in

and whatever but to have it always just another person and not that familiarity it is a bit of a like please be good please don't be shit so how long you been doing it what episode are we up to um it's changed the episodes because it was

because so it carried on on the audio from the port we switched the name over but then i started its own youtube channel so it's on technically on episode five but we had a couple of like three episodes four episodes that were the paul smith podcast but it was just me and her yeah so we've done nine together now yeah yeah and my wife listens to it and not ours nice one so thanks for stealing one listener i've got to be honest though i could understand why either of our partners would be getting especially after the full year i sit in front of a sign that says pasty pasty salt and pepper chicken come ask come suck me dick suck me dick i mean i'd still watch it yeah yeah yeah she's sad what it is i think like the difference is i think because there's there's a woman involved so it's like

that's their side of the spectrum isn't it so it's like you know like you said your demographic unlike so yeah you can see you know in analytics you can see what percentage of men shifted massively like you know so yeah it's just that's what yeah because women don't just want to hear men talk and have their opinions all the time they just get bored of us yeah plus i talk about wanking for about 10 of every podcast in the first half of the podcast though is it's not that what i'm saying is men and women are different do you know what I mean women don't want to listen to us because they're fucking stupid

and men don't want to listen to what is going on because women are stupid as well order order I've just started being dead misogynist on every episode

just to see how far I can push him I'm literally going to start burning bras you are like this week's season yeah that's how you like I really am I clean up after him I'm like you shouldn start burning bras You are like this week's season Yeah that's what you're like I really am

I clean up after him I'm like you shouldn't say that about us Just so sexist Yeah He gaslights me Yeah it is like a relationship It really is Go on carry on

Talk to them Talk to your friends You know your place now Talk to Oh you're horrible Horrible Hairy little cunt Can I do your podcast guys? can i be like the third guy all right in paul's spare room like

the only way my wife will listen to me podcast if i get on yours fuck you know yeah have you had him have you had any moments on pod so far where it's got, because obviously if you're taking the person, like as a couple, you know all of the buttons. Like he knows that if he calls me a certain things, I'm like, and I know what, you know, it's button pressing. Dan doesn't like it when I try and give him parent advice because he says I'm vastly underqualified just because of the fact I've got no children.

That never stops you in anything. No, he could literally turn up at a birth and be like, listen, lad, I'm the best midwife in here. Getting scrubs on her. My sister, sit the fuck down. What do you know about fucking childbirth? Get the little bastard. Yank him out.

I offered to go to Dan's. Awful. He was saying he gets up really early and he goes to bed really early. And I was saying that's wrong. And he said the reason he does it is because his kid gets up at half six. And I said what he should be doing

is sending her back to bed and saying she waits for the king to get up. No, no. And that's, he's paraphrasing. Because he's the adult. It involved my four-year-old living in a cage at one point if she gets up too early you lock the cage

have you ever you know all the buttons for each other on pod has it ever got like oh not not not purposefully no like i think what in real life obviously we are, we don't really... I'm not saying we don't argue and stuff like that, because we do. It's normal. Do you know what I mean? Not very often, we haven't. What was the last thing you had a proper argument about?

Aliens. What? Literally, I think we have three proper arguments in our life. And two of them were in one day about whether aliens exist. Because she's a fucking nutter. And you're saying they do? And you're saying they don't no i'm not saying it this is what this is what he does now i'm not saying they don't but she says she knows that they do and she's fucking potentially one of them and she talks about fucking because she's watched ancient i said i believe that that's

my truth yeah no that is such a great way of defending any point like yeah listen i believe that that's my truth so my argument is so definite when it's nothing's been said but it feels like you've won the argument this is what she does and i was like i'm not saying i i don't i'm not saying i don't believe i'm saying i don't know and you can't know yes but you're like statistically very very very but it is but you don't know and you can't know yes but you know it's statistically very very very but it is but you don't know no so there you go that was my argument yeah you don't know but i reckon like it's it's worth the bet do you know what i mean it's odds on that there's aliens he was just i totally agree with that statistically but i said you don't know because she's it's her truth she's yeah that's what people say in it when she goes down yeah

when she goes down right and we get a sign i want to look at you and go ah you dickhead is that what you think your first response is going to be aliens just before the human race is obliterated you go i'm quite a competitive person and like i don't like this is why i don't like playing games so i've never met anyone more competitive than me she's a she got me a ps5 for my birthday right so and she gave me it on the podcast i was made up nice as i said we'll have a little game stream we'll have a little gaming session online tomorrow if anyone wants to tune in and we played tech and she you're playing what she beat me at second tech and yeah tech and the new tech and seven where's your emphasis going Street fight hair

I feel like I'm saying what you're saying You're not No Ticken Ticken or not You haven't got a fucking microphone you dickhead Shut the fuck up I'll take yours off you

So you're sneaking good at Tekken He looks like we haven't unlocked him for this week's episode he's just in the dark waiting

waiting so yeah we're fucking the first time when we not long after we've been together we were playing

Monopoly and she beat me at Monopoly and he was like no one ever ever has beat me at Monopoly and he was like no one ever ever has beat me at Monopoly

oh that's fucking bollocks Monopoly's got no skill to it it has there's a strategy what's your strategy take us through it

go for the Browns yeah the really cheap ones go for the Browns and you can get hotels in them dead quick catch everyone

never go for Palmao false economy don't go for the Royal Blues everyone goes for the Royal Blues I'm all about trying to stay for palma false economy go for the royal blues everyone goes to the royal blues i'm all about you go for the pinks and the oranges along that side that's the best side why you two are a fun side most people hit because people get sent to jail and start there a lot look at his face i see what you mean i bet christmas in the smith household's a right fucking laugh. Finish your dinner, fucking sit down, go for the round. This is why I don't play though,

because I'm a sound person until I start playing games and then I'm not sounding. So really, this is about you then being a dickhead. No, but you're wasting, because you're a bad winner. Like, she won Monopoly, threw the board, jumped on me and started dry-umping me, calling me a slut. Yes.

Fucking slut, you liked that, didn't you? You've got to do that on the podcast. Think of the download numbers. jumped on me and started dry humping me calling me a slut yes fucking slut you liked that didn't you you've got to do that on the podcast think of the download numbers that's going to

be clipped off but no one's ever got through a game of monopoly without like losing at least one relative for good yeah

do you know what I mean it's an angry game it is yeah and it's because luck's involved you're just waiting for a six or a seven

you get an eighth you fuck change your seven and it is luck but she's good at teching to Ken you're good at what it was 100 google special moves on the slide just instinctively basically paula give it the big one which is the worst thing you can do and if you're gonna big yourself up and act like he's gonna he knows he's gonna win button bashing and i thought now you've made a big mistake there because now you're going to look stupid.

Right. And he did. Had you ever played Tekken before? Yeah, when I was like fucking seven. We were a Street Fighter household. Yeah, and Street Fighter. Street Fighter. Mortal Kombat as well was good.

What I was fuming about is that they've lost Michelle. Do you remember Michelle? Yeah. She's not fucking there anymore. She was my girl right so i had to compromise for a fat paul smith which is a new character is that an actual new character absolutely fucking done me and i hadn't even seen it and it was fucking i swear to god right because there's

this like monster and he's got a big nose and i went he's got your old nose there right and she went oh look fat paul smith and i swear to god if you made the character that was a fat paul smith this would be the character and i was like his name's bob isn't it yeah and then she beat me with fat paul smith you've just you've just said old nose have you is that not your original nose no you've had a little nosy yeah yeah i still need fucking doing again because it's fucking crooked so what what did they do? Did they shave your nose? No, it wasn't as bad as he made out.

Did anyone else just see Mac 3's? They're saying, we're not going to give you a nose job, but it's fucking hairy, that girl. Just get some of this

thatch away. Yeah, I think they shave it off and then they get, they cut your nostrils here. Yeah. And then they like stretch them over and make like,

cut the skin And make it a bit smaller Yeah If you were going to get Any work done What would you What would you get done Bigger dick

I mean how obvious Do you want to make it You can't have a bit I just want an extra Inch and a half I just think that would be Just a nightmare To have extra bits

On your dick No do you No it depends He doesn't want A spatula to add to it He wants I think he can make A dick bigger By cutting the ligaments At't want a spatula adding to it i think he can make it bigger by cutting the ligaments at the bottom right and it makes it come out more really yeah

boy it would but your erection never stands up again because that's no no you get an erection but it just doesn't oh mate i am 3.8 inches of rock solid cock honestly i'm not fucking with that yeah i'm not adding two inches to be like I am 3.8 inches of rock solid cock honestly I'm not fucking with that I'm not adding 2 inches to be like wow yeah you wouldn't

you wouldn't want like an 8 inch just flaccid wow like thumbing it in you want you want a like a there's just no joy for anyone

in that isn't there like a dwarf that does weights and a bit of growth hormone like that's my dick little guy little angry thing I want like a fucking giant who's like

so what would you get done then I want to know what you'd fix what problem would you tackle what the fuck are you doing

you should love him for who he is I do I do love him for who he is doesn't mean he hasn't got problems with his face

fair fair fair the last bit of his face what no what come on bro I'd like I'd on bro I'd like I'd like hair

I'd like hair I was gonna say I love I love hair go turkey for that just hair transplants I've got to be seeing meekles hair now

go turkey for that yeah turkey hair turkey hair yeah has he yeah looks good turkey hair as I've said before on this

I've been bald since 2004 probably going bald before that but I admitted it to myself at 23 years old. Imagine walking into the hot water dressing room with him, him,

Danny Mac, Freddie Quinn, that bunch of fucking vipers. And I turn up with fucking like top loader, beautiful, amazing, like Finn's hair. Finn's my dream hair.

Like a vanilla afro obviously I've had my teeth done and I was fucking thinking oh my god I'm going to get absolutely fucking mad at the hair

and the next time I went to work he was there and he looked at me and went I'm going to be honest with you they're a lot better

than I hoped they were going to be because yours still look like teeth do you know what I mean you've got lucky with that you've obviously gone somewhere good

because some people look like they've just come back and they've just put a bit of white paper in them. You can choose though what like style and shape and colour and all that. We was like we want natural. But mine look more fake than yours. So yours look like your own teeth. When you went, you were with Katie Price as well, weren't you?

For like a week. We met Katie Price, yeah. Neither of yous had spoke to her before she was just there having it done her fella recognised me and come over and started chatting to us

he recognised you from your stand up videos yeah I recognised Katie and he was like gosh nah it's just a lookalike and I thought fucking prick

it's Katie it's Katie Price and he was like nah love's just a lookalike but didn't he she's toned that down a lot she was like it's Katie Price

I've read all her books I don't give a fuck have you read all the books she knew a fucking date of birth and everything she was telling her when i was younger i'd read two of her books what what was in those books like who she'd shagged and that and all like just like a diary she was dying bowers what was in those books it's actually uh metaphysics it was it was her it was her phd right now it was just a fucking autobiography what was in them books you can't write two autobiographies you can because you can it's updating it because you just carry the second so you do like one to your 30 and then one to your like yeah and then the shit that you've remembered and it's just about like you know

her doing her modelling and just growing up and all that she's a bit of a hero isn't she she's actually sound she's actually sound and her kids are like

absolute her son like he's an absolute dream he's like the most lovely like polite kids they are

do you mean Harvey no no no we didn't meet harvey junior junior yeah i just didn't know which one they'd met no no we met you not peter andre's love yeah and he's i swear to god i've never met him on switch on in my life see this is what fucked me up about still being your friend right because we've both we've we've we've both come up through the comedy ranks together, right? We've both had a really good few years. You, more than anyone else in the country,

have gone from playing the Crown Pub Friday, Saturday, Sunday to selling out the Echo Arena in Liverpool in a short space of time, relatively, with no mainstream TV exposure, all through your own work and the the platform the hot water comedy club have built and we've gone from going on nights out and having to lend each other 20 quid to go out to you being like yeah yeah you know peter andre's kids and it's just such a juxtaposition. His stories include me and him going shopping for Diet Coke

at the run called Wilco's. And you're in Turkey getting your flash teeth done with Katie Price. Things have changed. She is sound, though, isn't she? It was a mad week, wasn't it? It was just something out of a freaking film. It was great.

Is that when she broke her ankles as well? Yeah. We met her before that happened. And then a couple of days later like everyone kept me because people had seen that we'd been with her and then we went on the yacht we like went on the yacht in the day not with katie price with the seville guys and then like we we hurt we they're like oh what's happened to katie price she's like fell off a wall and we were like and the next day she fell off a wall she fell off a humpty dumpty she's like fell off a wall and we were like and the next day she fell off a wall

she's yeah she broke both her ankles broke both her ankles yeah well she had both the and the bottom of her feet it was bad turkey legs now turkey legs at least she was in the right place because like i think we made that because she wheeled in in the night and obviously she's in a wheelchair and he comes out sat with us and had a bevy that's the night that we fucking because I proposed to her in Turkey right you proposed to Loz in Turkey

yeah yeah yeah but but the proposal before the real proposal that was because we were pissed right and Katie Price's fella Carl she was just going on

about how bossy he was and he's a dead nice fella got a massive dick and he i've seen that picture of his dick i think that's an extra no it isn't it's the same fella oh is it yeah is it massive but does it get fully erect or is it like you know just a bit floppy it's is it like well he's just sat there in a pair of shorts and it's basically like fucking waving out of his fucking i mean he does he has got big dick energy yeah it's got a spatula on the side yeah so we just she said something I said Jack needs to get married and she was like looked at him and

like and I done the fucking standard compare like go ahead do it now because it was being a knobhead I mean we were pissed and I'd like fucking years of fucking fireball things and he was like he just looked at me like you couldn't and I just couldn't resist it then and I just wound him up and he was like you fucking do it and I was like I will and it was it was fucking half three in the morning we were all fucking smashed oh come on let's get proposed to they went and sat there we went over and proposed and then it was just a joke to me and we stood up and it was we were all laughing we went back to their um their room their suite after right don't remember getting back to our bed, their suite, after, right? Don't remember getting back to our bed.

We just woke up in our bed like, what the fuck? And then just got loads of messages like, and like there was newspaper articles. I had that angry voicemail from my ex-wife. Yeah. Because it had been in fucking Daily Mirror. And I was like, oh my God. It was in the Daily Mirror? Yeah, Daily Mirror.

Before you woke up the next day? It was in the daily mirror before you woke up the next day it was in the daily mirror 10 minutes after it happened yeah how people were sending me the article

filmed it put it on no matter it's mad like no she put it on her oh she put it on her Instagram

tagged us in it said oh we're engaged to wind the media up right oh yeah and then like yeah because obviously like the media have got oh yeah and then like yeah because obviously like the media have got seen it and gone through all our profiles and great just what your ex wants

in the morning just flicking through the daily mirror are you fucking telling me about this and he was like uh so your ex-wife knew you were engaged before you did? Are you engaged? No. What did we do last night? I was like, what am I going to tell my dad? That was the proposal before the proposal. Did you do it again after that?

So then I done it properly. He says, I did mean it. I will do it one day, I promise. I was like, oh, you don't have to say that.

Don't be stupid. He's like, no, I swear. He says, I do want to do it. He says, oh, but I. I will do it one day, I promise. I was like, oh, you don't have to say that. Don't be stupid. He's like, no, I swear. He says, I do want to do it. He says, oh, but I will do it properly. And then... Did you go to a ring shop while you were there? Yeah.

I'm just going to go and stretch my legs, love. You've got to stay in your ring. I left it on the fucking cabinet. I did some negotiating with this diamond fella and I got a ring and I'm terrified to get it checked in case someone goes, it's about a 10 it looks expensive and I'm just happy to believe did you sneak off on that holiday and go to a ring shop what excuse did you give there um no just because you you were like just you wanted to go around the shops anyway didn't you

so she went she was clothes shopping and stuff so so I just slid off. And then he rang my dad, because my dad, because obviously my dad was like, Lord, is this true? Have you got engaged? I was like, oh, Dad, we were just joking. Because I think my dad was a bit disappointed that Paul hadn't asked him. So I was like, oh, I feel awful,

because he's going to think that that's real. And then you rang him, didn't you? Yeah, he nearly cried. Yeah, he's gonna think that that's real and then uh you rang him yeah yeah he's crying he's a soft my missus's dad when i rang him when you don't need to ask me just don't give her back that was that was the line you don't need to ask just no returns that was the banter that's still a thing that's what i like that was rooted in the ownership of women and we were past it it absolutely is can I buy your daughter I wasn't going to buy her

I didn't rank him to ask I ranked to tell him I tried to do a modern version of I'm robbing your daughter marrying your daughter we'd like your blessing but we're going to get I wasn't like can i take over ownership you were

like listen it's happening get on listen sign the v5c she's fucking mine lad i'm paying the road tax on her now yeah it was yeah it's a nice little gesture in it just because because they're from a different generation easy different generation it wasn't that it was necessary I think it's just sort of it's a nice thing to just just to check in yeah he's quite old fashioned

yeah and he's scary is he can you bang him is he absolutely not no is he nails oh he's a fucking murderer really

but he's not scared but he's no he's a teddy bear he's the loveliest guy like and he's so friendly and she always she always said to me you're his dog it's terrifying and I was like fuck off he's like he's a teddy bear He's the loveliest guy And he's so friendly She always said to me You see me dad go

It's terrifying And I was like Fuck off He's like He's so He's such a soft He's a big Emotionally hugged you

He fucking hugs and kisses me All the time Tells me he loves me And that he's fucking boss But I see them turn once Cause some cop has turned up At a new shop

When she opened it And I was like Yeah we'll just get out the way And he went I'm going nowhere And his eyes went black And I was like whoa it's like a fucking shark what from that thing in like finding nemo we're having fish tonight oh my day i was like ah what did he what did he do back in the day lori why is it is he a bit of a um famous hard man is he original Peaky Blinder what's going on wow he

well I was joking no he's we've run pubs and clubs him and my mum did for years nails yeah

and ran doors all over all over the place London down in Devon Bournemouth loads of places right

and he ran doors he was a repo man he might as well be a bare knuckle boxer we were talking about the stag and just because Blair jokingly said Vegas and I said oh Blair said Vegas

and he went oh I'd love to come to Vegas but I don't know if I'll get the visa and I went why? and he went I've got previous haven't I? and I was like oh no no not bad not drugs or nothing know if I'll get the visa and I went why he went well I've got previous haven't I and I was like okay he went oh no no not I'm bad not drugs or not and it was just a bit of kidnapping and I went okay not I'm bad just a bit of kidnapping we were all at this big family meal and I was like do you know what though I can sort of understand getting yourself in a situation where you just need to kidnap someone nah do you know what he told me the story and it's fucking he went to prison for it and what it was right he was a repo man at the time and this fella had robbed a wardrobe out and there was a

yeah um he just so he just he pulled the fella up and said, listen, give her a bike back. And he went, I haven't got it. And he went, where is it? And the fella said, and he kind of scared him a little bit. And he went, oh, it's at this house. He went, all right, then get in the car. We're going to get it.

So that was technically kidnapping because they'd forced him into the car. Now, the things that they added in their statement, I still don't know if it's true to this day. But there was a hanging over the bridge incident and there was other things. But dad a hanging of over the bridge incident and there was other things but dad hanging over a bridge incident by his legs yeah oh shit but dad was like no that didn't happen but you never know yeah so your dad's version of it is i went

we're going there get in the car yeah had a nice little drive passed him a murrayman asked for directions parked up dropped him back home am I near the curb there his version of events was he fucking hung me over a bridge I don't think it can possibly be

his version of the story because what you want your bike back come on then kid I think a prosecutor would look at that and go we haven't got the evidence

to charge him otherwise literally every taxi driver is is guilty of kidnapping hanging over the bridge was the water under the bridge i don't know the m62 well it wasn't even it wasn't birmingham it was oh that's a good heaven would you rather be hung over a water bridge or like a car's going

underneath water water i don't know take your i don't want to drown you don't know take your what are you talking about I don't want to I don't want to drown not only will you die from the drop no you also don't want to get hit at 70 miles an hour by a transit van yeah but that's just dead straight away innit no

no but you know you won't die you won't die in the water well can you not swim he's just scared of jellyfish he's scared of jellyfish who

who is scared of jellyfish no but and fish they're fucking mental we went kayaking right we went kayaking and right? We went kayaking. And, I mean, to get him on a kayak was just, that was one thing. I said, come on, let's go to these caves by the beach.

Who the fuck rows a kayak on the sea into a cave full of fucking jellyfish? That is literally where monsters live. Would you fuck? Don't lie. Of course I would. I said, let's go on. Let's just go in the cave. But eventually he went fucking absolutely not. Why not? Because it's fucking jellyfish everywhere. Don't lie. Of course I would. I said, let's go on. Let's just go in the kayak bit. Bench you went.

Fucking absolutely not. Why not? Because it's fucking jellyfish everywhere. And we're on a fucking balloon. It's not a balloon. It's a kayak. It's a fucking inflatable kayak. Are you scared of underwater monsters, basically?

You don't know what's there, do you? Thank you. No, you don't. That makes sense. That is common sense. You also don't really know what's in your back garden when you go on to put the bin down. Yes, you do, because you can see. Mate, when have you ever seen a shark in your back garden?

Come on. What? Have you ever seen an octopus in a back garden? I've seen his garden, to be honest. There could be a shark out there. My garden's quite neat and tidy, actually. The garage, fucked. Yeah, I'd absolutely, I'd go anywhere in a kayak, me.

You'd go anywhere in a kayak. I'd pack myself to get to, like, Dublin. It's hard work, isn't it? Yeah, but that's the only thing I'm worried about, is getting tired. It's a good workout. Adam gets up late, sets off to Ireland in a kayak mid afternoon

yeah on a nice sunny day when there's no chop when there's no chop one of them famous calm days on the Irish sea well known

for it's tropical temperatures underneath the fucking horrible yeah if yeah

Adam Rose bloated body washes up on Anglesey Beach he only got fucking jellyfish all over his face they also don't get

the fear of jellyfish either oh they're aliens if I had the jellyfish here and threw it at you You would fucking Yeah but there's not a pulse You don't know what jellyfish is They can kill you then

No they can't You just fucking punch it Portuguese men of war Where she lives Where she lives is like fucking greasemakers There's also basking sharks Giant squids Yeah they're fucking like lethal Also Octopus Where she lives is like fucking greasemakers man There's also basking sharks Giant squids

Like Just punch it That's your answer to everything And tell me when it wouldn't work Jellyfish Octopus Your ex-missive They've got basking sharks for me

I'd rather do the first dude than the last one Come on bro This isn't a patron Yeah I'm fine With sea creatures mate I am one with the earth Yeah you get in

You got in the sea Yeah I got in the sea But I don't like it I know You got in the sea once Why don't you like it I do like it It's refreshing

But I just don't like Fish Or things touching me is this down your way when you say there's Devon where you yeah

is this Torquay am I right it's incredible Torquay's amazing it's like weirdly tropical isn't it yeah there's some weird

like there's some little like beaches that nobody really knows about like the main Torquay seafront's alright but it's not as nice as the little coves

and stuff that you get but it's just it is as the little coves and stuff that you get. But it's just, it is beautiful, isn't it, in the summer? The kayak round and have our own beach for a bit. Yeah, what can be. The castaway. I want to do a gig in Torquay. It's meant to be really fun. Was it you telling us about Torquay,

that it's like mad fun to do tour shows there? Nah. I was telling you it was fun. Oh, that's my memory's been skewed that was the wild one that was the wild one that was the mad one

where they had no security I felt bad because it was fucking it less than a handful of times it's when the fucking the staff don't know

how to deal with it so they just don't do and they serve drinks throughout the whole thing and you just get you know when you just get a super cunt in who's just so pissed

and doesn't know when to stop he just kept going is that the best you've got that's all he said for half an hour constantly and i was like and i found out who it was why don't you get your dad to do security for paul's home because i think a little lift from the theater i was at the backstage going fucking get him out like to the boy was like but that that's why it wasn't him that was the problem because there was

so much tension in there because Torquay's a weird place because it's full of fucking scousers who were on the run yeah it's just

all brummies like real yeah it's mad so like that's full of scousers that don't run far enough that's the lazy ones

yeah I'm on the run but I can't be fucking asked I'm on the walk I'm on the i want to be able to get back in 45 minutes i'm on a show my mom's not welcome okay i've got the kids on a sunday i've got to get back looking at 10 to 15 but i've got a season ticket for a reason oh that's so good are you all right are you doing yeah i'm making a little note if that's all right my god he's so professional isn't he i am yeah should we have a little break yeah let's do some features a little break what's happening guys i need every single one of you 18 plus aged listeners to go and support the guys at finalrunner.com. We've kindly supported the Have A Weird podcast.

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Get yourselves involved. Let's get back to this week's episode. We're back. Now, I've done the prep this week for the guests. You said you would. You bloody did. I fucking did. Love it.

This is the first time we've had a couple on. Probably one of the only times it'll ever happen. You're cleaning that up. Mate, the most obvious statement ever in this studio.

So, because we've got a couple on, I know you've said you don't like playing games at Loz and she does like playing games with you. I've, you know the classic game Mr. and Mrs.?

Yeah. Where you get them to answer who's the best at what or whatever yeah well I've designed one of them but it's designed

to cause murder if that's alright that's alright keep your hands he loves a bit of argy bargy keep your hands I'm very aware

she's a hitter start spanking ya I'm very aware she's got a fucking weapon now don't be a shit house because we'll know if you're lying we can see it in your eyes. Yeah, I know.

He can't fucking lie. So show me red if you think the answer is Paul and show me black on the paddle if you think the answer's Loz. That's me. That's you and that's Paul. Yeah? Because Paul's a redhead. We'll have red for him.

You're wearing black. Okay. There you go. There we go. What a system. So are you asking him first? Or both at the same time? No or both you both answered the same time you explained that like they had learning difficulties this is how you remember guys come on he said so patronizing so and they are different colors

and yeah so answer and then we'll Discuss your answers Go on then So first one Start you know Nice and easy Who's got the worst Morning breath You think Loz

And you think Paul That's obvious though Isn't it Because I can't smell mine And she can't smell hers No but everyone knows When they've got a bit of a stink Definitely is though

Is it Because she smokes I don't smoke. You don't smoke? I smoke when I drink. So you smoke? That's smoking, isn't it? Yeah, but it's not.

I'm a recreational smoker. Yeah. I think most people are, yeah. She's very recreational. I don't think anyone's doing it for a week. Every day. You've said this beautifully. They're already off on question one.

It does me. I didn't know because she's like, I'm not a smoker. I'm like, you are, though, because you're smoking a ciggy does me. I didn't know because she's like, I'm not a smoker. I'm like, you are though because you're smoking a ciggy right now. I can see it. But can you honestly smile my breath

and think, well, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Never having morning sex again. You don't kiss during morning sex though,

do you? Like, come on, bro. Well, I won't now. When you kiss during morning sex, you just have to fucking man up

or you put it in from behind and face them the other way. Gentlemen. Absolute gentlemen. Baby gentlemen turn the other way because you fucking stink hey hey but I do as well stop looking at me

I'm breathing on the back of your neck that's why I fucking stink because it's you if you want to be able to see me get the mirror put it in front of you

and we'll fuck in front of that how weird was that he likes to do that a lot I like but I like I like seeing my own bum he's filmed

he's filmed his own bum in the mirror not my bum not my bum his own bum I couldn't see your bum because my bum

was in the fucking way that's a bit homo that's a couple have you got have you got big mirrors you've not got a ceiling mirror no I've got them big like

we're not quite there yet we're not quite there yet I'd be worried what's a ceiling mirror no we're not quite there yet we're not quite there I'd be worried what's a ceiling mirror just like falling down imagine I would be worried about seeing myself

just after I've had a wank and look up and go start your life out mate just a fat bald man like change your life I was having sex in a hotel a certain amount of time ago

and I caught myself in the mirror what a hotel A certain amount of time ago And I caught myself in the middle What was that? A certain amount of time ago Once upon a time Many moons ago In a previous existence In a different dimension Time and space was altered

A certain amount of time ago So that none of you could possibly know who it was with I'm just trying to, you know Keep a bit of mystery I was fucking this bird in a hotel. And I caught myself in the middle and I was like, do you know what? Moves. That's it.

When you see a little hip action or not, you're like, I could be in a porno. Yeah, definitely. I could have an OnlyFans. Because before that, I've always thought no one would want to watch me. Not how she could be in a porno. Paul, you're doing so well on the internet. Leave some corners of the internet alone. You've got a podcast doing well.

You're doing Twitch. You've nailed Facebook. You don't need an OnlyFans as well. Paul Smith needs to turn down the content. I thought you can fuck off. You're going to start an OnlyFans? No. Really?

Absolutely fucking not. I got offered to be in a Gingers OnlyFans. Because they sent me here. I kept getting tagged in this fucking red hot calendar, it's called. I got offered to be on a ginger's OnlyFans. Because they sent me here. I sent a... I kept getting tagged in this fucking red hot calendar, it's called. It's for charities, like a naked ginger calendar. And I got tagged in it 180 times in one day. And I was like, who?

So I posted the fucking naked picture on Instagram of me. But I covered me really up with a comically large black mark to make it look like i had a massive ball bag uh loz what did you do in response to that what did you do in response i posted a nude of myself with a little gingerbread man over your little gingerbread man do you know how i found out about that because rob thomas sent me the screenshot that he still has in his phone do you know how i found out about that because rob thomas sent me the screenshot that he still has in his phone do you know how i found out about it because our barber showed me it jesus i went to get my hair cut and he was like have you seen that picture paul put up

and i was like yeah yeah he went you see the one his missus put up i went no and he went just to reaffirm that liverpool Liverpool is a big city and a small town he went here it is and he went do you want me to send you it I went no

because I don't want to be scrolling through my Instagram at any point while I'm at work with Paul I'll have to explain why I've got a picture

of his missus's bumhole on my phone so he sent me it eight times in every different possible way that he had to contact me

he's like who else was in the calendar? Who is it? Paul Scholes, Prince Harry. No one famous, just ginger people. Right. No one famous. Handsome ginger people.

He was the big fish. You were December. He didn't make it on. I didn't make it to the calendar. He didn't make it on. But he said I could go on the OnlyFans. We offered him to be a slag on the internet. That's what they offered him.

Why didn't you just start you don't own any fans now well that's what I thought at the time what would you do on that what like be like a ginger Paul Smith babe station phone in

like that Paul Smith destroys sock oh Jesus so you both think each other's got the worst morning, but I forgot, that's quite a tame start, isn't it?

Who puts up with the more annoying habits? Who's got the least annoying habits, basically? So, you're more annoying? You think so? Yeah. Well, that's very self-aware to admit it. Yeah, now I am. I do bring a lot.

Yeah. What have you got? How do do bring her up a lot. Do you? What have you got? How do you annoy her? How long have you got? So, I'm a spot picker. You pick your own or his? Mine. Both.

I don't mind that. I'll take all of yours. She will fucking go at you, though. And it's like straight after sex, you know, when you're just relaxed. This OnlyFans is really getting along today. One girl, 19 zits. She loves it, though. straight after sex and you know you just relax and she's just this OnlyFans is really getting along isn't it one girl 19 zits she loves it though

she's like I think she enjoys it more than the sex nah but it relaxes me and it doesn't relax me my girlfriend does that to me every night she'll go through

my whole face and find them all and get all the blackheads out your nose she's got a fucking she's got tools though fucking fair play to me yeah I'm just like

like it's gonna make me look better than a crack on oh my it kills though yeah but this is what I try and tell him I'll go go play no game

yeah yeah appreciative that's not an annoying habit tell you what it is it's an annoying habit erm cos

last night me missus was cooking the dinner and she was like will you come in and do the rice and then I started doing I hate being micromanaged will you come in and do the rice? And then I started doing it. I hate being micromanaged. If you ask me to do the rice, the rice is fucking my responsibility, right?

Do you know what I mean? Fucking stay away from the fucking rice. I am the best rice cooker in the fucking world. I'm making rice, and I'm swatting jellyfish right now. But do you know when someone says something like, you're a dickhead, but then you've got receipts so here's what happened right me boil in the bag uncle ben's rice and then i was gonna flavor it afterwards so she made me do it and then she was like right i'll do this and she got she doesn't normally make rice boil in the bag she normally just

microwave shit if she's making rice right so she was like she just went to cut she took the bag out of the pot of boiling water you made boiling the bag rice before and she just went to cut it onto the plate and i was like you can't do that because there's so much water you're just gonna soak the plate she's like oh right well you do the rice and i was like i was meant to be doing the rice right and then i went right i put a bit of salt a bit of pepper and she was like right that's just put yours on the plate because i'm gonna put garlic in mine and i was like but you weren't were were you? You weren't going to put garlic in yours because you were going to cut it straight onto the fucking plate.

I don't like being micromanaged in the kitchen. Oh, mate, we have such... You're right. I don't have that problem because she literally never cooks. I just threw the pan in the end. I was like, do the fucking rice. Go for it.

Not asked. Yeah. I just go, do you know what? You can just cook for me. I don't, I hate cooking i have to say i will happily cook every single night forever but leave me to it and if you want me out then you've got to let me do my bit myself i don't like it if she says she comes in and just starts talking nonsense

here and you've got about a million things to think about and she's just i'm trying to look and i don't want to be rude but i'm gonna shut the fuck to look like I don't want to be rude but I'm just like fuck off but really I don't want to be helpful but I'm trying to look like that I am but all that's doing is pissing him off you're trying to look like

you're helpful without actually being helpful yeah yeah but if I didn't do that then I'd think does he think I'm taking the piss because I haven't tried to help

yeah if you're there it's like oh we did it together but really you want to wait and be like where's my food bring it to to me yeah you'd rather that wouldn't you i'd much rather just don't go in there done yeah i swear it's bad are you a good chef oh my god he's paul's actually all right yeah he's actually brilliant decent fucking hell i

like pat myself on the back if i make nachos You know The one thing about Like me and Paul We can have banter and that And we can be horrible To each other And laugh about it Right But if I slag his cooking off Oh my god

That's the line She fucking That's one of them buttons She had to go up my scouse To the week And It's the closest I've ever been to it

It was great Can I ask you a question Scouse to scouse Or man to man On your scouse Yeah Do you use Chunks or Mints Chunks Yeah Do you question scouse to scouse a man to man on your scouse yeah do you use chunks or mints chunks yeah do you know scouse is actually mints no it is that's a lie it isn't i've heard

it isn't laurie laurie back away from this one this is really how would it be mints you mentioned like for it to be i i will get done for cultural appropriation if we talk about it. You're wrong, though. I know you're wrong. Listen to me, guys. All my life, all my life, me mum, me nan, anyone who made me scouse was always chunks. Yeah. I use chunks.

I'm 100% with you. There's no beef here. But traditional scouse made with mince. It's not. Where have you learned that? The internet, Paul. That's a bollocks. Because do you know how I know it's wrong?

Because scouse is like a 300-year-old recipe and there was no mince 300 years ago so you're wrong it's a sailor's dish it would have had chunks of lamb or chunks of beef on a fucking boat you wouldn't buy the fucking pack of mince would they are you two from liverpool the thing is as a scouser i know how to make scouse. Are you even scouse? This is how you make scouse. That was the, that was. If you just referenced envy in that conversation, that would have been. You're so annoyed.

Medium thick. Adam's so annoyed. Between medium. I like proper thick scouse and I made it for her and she was fuming so I've thinned it out now. I had to chew it. I had to. The gravy or the beef.

Everything. It was a fucking. It's paste. It's boss. No, that's too much. It was a fucking It's paste It's boss No that's too much It was cement Spoon stands up innit No

Oh it's great It tastes amazing It's fucking fantastic It was honestly I was like And it was sticking to the roof of my mouth And it was just awful I don't know why this has come up again

400 grams of beef Preferably a tough cut Like chunk Or even flank I didn't even know that was there Is that scouse? Yeah Ah That's not That's not mince is it? Or even flank. I didn't even know that was there. Is that scouse?

Ah. That's not mint, is it? Is there a red cabbage on there? Yes. Yes, mate. Love it. Who is punching looks-wise? Yep. And we're done with that one.

I don't know, with his teeth, it's like... Well, next question who needed their teeth doing more i can't believe i walked around with them teeth in my head i do a bad one yeah but no one told me though people did people someone should have seriously gone hey i know we all joke about it and that and people and whenever anyone wants to take the piss out of you it's your teeth seriously you've got to do something piss out of you itch your teeth but seriously you've got to do something about them

because you look fucking ridiculous we should have had an intervention for you sat you down and sort your tags out well I I said to him a dent-a-vention

I said that's why I'm here baby 3000 Patreons not for nothing you was I was going to get mine done weren't I and he was like

nah don't fancy that and I was like oh well do you want done weren't I and he was like nah don't fancy that and I was like oh well do you want to come with me and he was like yeah yeah right then and I thought he's going to end up

having it done I couldn't have done what you guys I don't know the shaving down no that picture of you genuinely this is 100% true I didn't look at mine

it's over a handful of times now that image has been in one of my dreams just stood over there sleeping hollow oh it's terrifying and it's now being used by scouse meme pages isn't it yeah because rob thomas yeah i kept that image secret no the thing is rob rob did message me and go can we use anything and i knew exactly what he was going to put on and i went to fucking do it i'm not asked i'd sent it to a few people anyway okay slide that picture in here it's a funny picture it's terrible

isn't it who is the most likely to murder someone los you got murderous tendencies not for like malice things she's got that thing right i i wish i had like you know that some people just have that there's a go in some people or like an attack yeah it's like there's no your fight or flight protective like if someone had to get up like i'd i'd stab him do you know what i mean if someone see this is me i'm more protective of those around me than myself oh yeah yeah my missus has got the same thing she's when she goes you're like oh jesus yeah i'm like we were out not long after we've been together we were out after i picked her up i dropped her off in town with a mate at harvey nichols and then i found her in a fucking rough ass boozer in

hyten right watching kept watching these cat wigs do backflips right and i was like in the hair and hounds and i was like how have you got there she was like i don't know it's bossing here though and i was like so i picked them up they're all smashed and they were like where can we go so the only place open was this weather spoons and press got right so it goes there and there's a little pizza gaffer loved by this who goes in there and this fucking this little fella's just stood next to me he's fucking just eyeballing me anyway you're the comedian aren't you yeah i mean you're all right and he went to you think you're funny comedian aren't you I went yeah I admit you're alright and he went you think you're funny you don't you and I was like

I was outside having a recreational cigarette yeah yeah yeah you were more having a drink it just happened you were having a cigarette yeah yeah and I'd just seen him

didn't I like yeah you could just see his body language just so you know Loz all cigarettes are recreational yeah no one smokes for work some people probably do

do you reckon cigarette testers. Fucking depressing. You're wrong, you're wrong. The Benson and Hentges gremlin. Get Wheezy out. It's good that you are. Fucking depressing.

Yeah, so fucking this fella. How old was he in his 40s early 50s I found it quite funny because he was he was quite a small fella but like you know

one of them small fucking Jack Russell men you know what I mean and he was just fucking so he's waiting for his food and he's like I'm funnier than you I went well then

and then he because he wasn't pissing me off he kind of just turned as if he was going to like square up and as soon as that body language kicked in i didn't even see her coming she just come stepped in between us and just fucking shoulder smashed him right in the face but like kind of hit him with his shoulder and a tit at the same time and this fella just went like he'd been

hitting the face with a fly away or something you know i mean like that shock and he just he just got off at the pizza place without his food people do love challenging a comic though yeah if they think that hard or they're funny and do you remember when we were in

the Mr Chilli's or whatever me and you do you remember that lad we were both hammered but I know you might not remember it was about

it was late last year maybe August was this the one you had the fucking rap battle with yeah so hey

that rap battle was a lot less cool than you think it was in your head it was like eight mile and you smashed it and then if you were to watch that back you were like oh my god yeah that that bit was that bit was just stupid that was when it went too far but so we're in this place and like these lads are being these lads are being like quite sound but one of them was just being a little cunt and one of them went to me something like everything you've got because of him it's only because you're his mate like that and i just like i was drunk and i had no time for it so i was just being as horrible as you could possibly be about another human being his breath his teeth why his parents don't like him why he's a John Moores

instead of the Uni of Liverpool like it was a long long time then he was like rap battle then and I was like okay

and then it went off the rails and I was just going what's wrong with a good old fashioned knife fight no he wasn't there

that night that was a different night but yeah for a while watching him thing Go from You're on air Because of him

To all of his mates Going Ah Ah Yeah the funny one In his gang of mates Doesn't like You see it sometimes

With stag dudes You're like Most of these lads Are having a fun time But then there's like One or two guys With a face on Like yeah

They're not funny Just get involved lads I'm not I'm not one for words me i'll just attack with a shoulder and a tit was that a move you planned or did you just did you have you shouldered someone before no i mean he was little so that's the level that he was right right right so it just made sense he was any taller that would have been a headbutt yeah also you can't ring the police as a 40, 50-year-old man

and be like, officer, I've just been slapped in the face with a tip. It was absolute, because she just, as she hit him, she went, fuck off now before I one-bomb you. And he just got off. Fuck off now before I one-bomb you. Taylor's all the time. I swear to God, I've never been more tanned than in my life. I just wanted her to pick me up and just carry me home.

Like the bodyguard. I got you. I got you. Hold me. So sexy. Oh, God. I've carried you home a few times, I ran on. Let's be honest.

Who's the most jealous? I don't think either of us. Morden. Who is the most vain? I don't think either of us. Morden. Who is the most vain? I don't think either of us

Borden erm who is the most vain yeah really yeah you're quite vain though am I

I don't know just over the past couple of years you've just got a bit oh fuck off look at you you're that good you used to look

like a fucking Ewok you've scrubbed up a little we both have come on yeah we have yeah just some of the clothes you started wearing when you got a bit of money before yeah he's all right now oh yeah no he's he's gone up the roller coaster he's on the way too far and i'll fully admit that you You did look like a Westwood tribute act for a little bit. That fucking coat you were telling us about last year.

Hey lad, where's that to school now? No shit. We were having a conversation in the dressing room about hot water and you were telling us about a coat

and I was like, shit's changed, bro. It was mental. I can't remember how much you spent but it was decent. Yeah, you did go mad, didn't you?

I like it. It was a point where I was in Hugo Boss for three hours. Three hours sitting there waiting for him trying on fucking different colored suits only because the fella said that i wouldn't fit into a 34 pair of jeans and i would and i did and i went ah of course you would i know but he's like the snottiest fucking in rome like and to be fair the first fella was correct because i picked the jumper up and he went, no. And he just took it off me, like snatched it off me.

Come back with the big one. You will stretch the world. And I was like, oh, fucking hell. I've got a slightly similar story to that. About three years ago, this is true, I took a pair of jeans that were for someone else. I think they were I'll get them for our Jack 28 waist pair of jeans

to the till in Primark and she went have you tried these on? Oh my god Slightly less glamorous It's just the same though Hugo Boss in Rome Primark in town

Similar Similar Different But similar He's He was so funny as well like when you were like yeah you've gone a bit vain recently he sat down before he started the podcast looked his own hair and his phone went my hair looks fucking great today which to be fair it does

what did I say yesterday we were getting ready because it takes a fucking angel to get ready and it took me about 90 seconds to get ready

and I went isn't it fucking mad how quick I get sexy as fuck yeah I thought I'm gonna get you need a t-shirt with that on

why is that because you've started working out again did you get a bit piggy no I am a bit piggy now really I'm still working out but I just can't

stop eating shit I think I'm less fine now than what I was when I was younger but it takes me longer to get ready and I still don't look as

sensational as I did when I was 22 it's easy 22, 23 is the who gets better with age he's annoyingly getting better with age

he's got better with age we saw the picture of me and him when you won the comedian of the year I swear to god i've never seen uglier people in my life it was fucking it was dire but how any woman let us go near them i've got some mental pictures of you back in like the mid to late noughties and him when he was like doing his first open spots it is you look exactly the same no i don't you do though no exactly the same going bald early

early's not too bad because you're like at least you've got the hair's gone for most of the time that everyone's known me but mate I looked quality at 23

now I'm like come on bro you've got good skin though thanks pay beautiful skin thank you very much can we have Laurie on more you must have a

a good moisturising regime I do I mean I'm just gonna do it I use Aftersun what skin thank you very much can we have lori on more you must have a good moisturizing regime i mean i'm just gonna do it i use after sun yeah yeah i use after sun as moisturizer and it works really well there's literally no jokes this is true yeah i find it like you know that cooling yeah yeah it's quite nice tune in next week when we end on one of Dan's skincare led balloons in my head I was like think of a joke I've got no joke

who is the better parent I will say Paul really I wasn't going to answer that but it's me and for that like I mean I'm a answer that, but it's me. Yeah. And for that, like, I mean, I'm a good mom.

Like, but I think you've got a lot more patience. Yeah. A lot more patience. I'm softer, though. He's better with my kids than I am. Like, because you get the, but I suppose I'm not. Well, I'm in the gun fight, innit? Yeah. It's a tricky one, though, because you are, like, it's funny when people, yeah, talking about parenting is a tricky one though because you are like it's funny when

people yeah talking about parenting is a weird one because you're like ha ha ha ha ha ha and then it just tips to this thing

where you're like I all of a sudden don't want to joke as much about it it's a weird one like I've the most defensive I've seen you

is when we've talked about like I wasn't taking the piss but you've mentioned things about being a dad and you're like and there's a line there and you're like yeah it's weird how the best sense of humor and then it's weird how that's just weirdly important and yeah paul's a great parent like my wife is so much better at being a parent

than i am and it shows with my daughter who's like yeah dad you're fine but mum's the whole deal i'm like i totally get it it's yeah it's like i'm not a mumsy mum do you know what i mean like i work a graft and i work hard and like but then that's how i've been brought up so my mom's the same you know so i suppose like what makes a good like does that mean i'm not just kids that are happy in it however you get there i think that's all they know because because some parents are phoning and obsessing i am a fun mom and i and i'll you know i'll talk to my kids like like staying on a level i don't you know especially the older ones um that question really didn't go no i wanted to i wanted

fight and punch you're just an antagonist i love it i like being an antagonist got one more for you because you're meant to get married this year yeah pushed it back to next year so final question as soon as she picked it up I was like that's dangerous around a nice laptop

isn't it who is more likely to object to the wedding before well I object who is more likely to get cold feet and call off the wedding

nah yes I mean even if I wanted to i'd be too scared why would they do that i don't know i don't know elaborate i was thinking we're gonna take a break now as these two so shit look at you so evil i've never i've never i this is my first time i'll be getting married so is it really yeah yeah it's my fourth i've never been engaged i was like what have i missed that didn't know man someone thinks it is his third marriage apparently i've had to stop putting fucking things on facebook because i swear to every single time some there's a million countries you think i've never met don't know them but they start

someone asks is this his wife? what happened to his wife? and then someone underneath goes oh no he left there and then he got with someone else he's married there and then they broke up

these just create a complete fiction about my life and when you write Paul Smith into Google what's the first thing that comes up? Because now if you write Adam Rowe, yeah, and it just goes, Adam Rowe, girlfriend.

I, on my, so if you say Paul Smith, yeah, you have to do it on Google. look, fourth one down. People, look.

It's like people are just like, Paul Smith comedian wife is one above Paul Smith trainers. Fucking hell. It's weird how people obsess with those things. I've watched that. Yeah. Paul Smith comedian, 10 star. Smash that. Paul Smith comedian, net worth worth click that right now net worth i'll tell you my net worth is in me 56

what is going on oh that's the designer 390 million 390 million fucking hell got some way to go to catch him i'm gonna fucking find him one day yeah Let's hope HMRC know the difference Paul Smith comedy That is me though Total current assets £103,000 What the fuck Why are we beating Adam I saw that

Adam's like let's get it up Get it up It's being disclosed It's being disclosed. It's public information. Foxy. Who's the nosiest cunt? That's so funny.

Oh, right. I've got some sort of have a wordy style things. Well, we took, yeah. Because we get sort of people asking advice from Adam because he's such a great agony aunt. And we get sort of advice people asking advice from Adam because he's such a great agony aunt and we get people with problems that's like

momentum but we thought people know they're going to get honest feedback from me about their lives we thought with you guys it would be good to do a bit of relationship stuff

so we've been sent a few of them we will work through them and see sort of how far we get so you guys spend quite a bit of time apart, despite being in a very serious relationship, engaged to be married, and you do a podcast together,

but you still live down on the coast, and you're still in Liverpool. So we had a message come in from someone who's spent a lot of time apart because of lockdown. I just want to see what you think, and if you can help them with their predicament, or with his predicament. Shall I read his name? You don't have to okay so this is from dean where to begin since lockdown last march with this team with a c uh since lockdown last march me and my girlfriend have

spent most of the year apart due to the fact our parents aren't keen on mixing households before lockdown we were uh looking to move out uh but that didn't happen since i've got a lot of time most of the year apart due to the fact our parents aren't keen on mixing households. Before lockdown, we were looking to move out but that didn't happen. Since I've got a lot of time to myself, I naturally watch a lot of porn. Do you watch a lot of porn

when you're on your own porn? Yeah. You do? Watch it when I'm there. Does she? Yeah. Really? We watch it together.

Yeah, but that's... She'll happily let me sit and watch porn. Yeah, yeah. Just have a little... I mean little i mean like on a leg mommy's here oh jesus why did that why did that oh that's so real why did that slightly why did you do this to me all the time you've fucking done it to yourself so you come on her leg and she comforts you with mummies here and you're worth 103 i'm not now that i have to pay her 100 grand for that so so this is something that happens you'll you'll you'll have a go and she'll

just give you mothering she's nurturing yeah yeah find the comfort oh my god but he's still the better parent not in role play though no I'm a good actress very good actress yeah thank you you're so open

with your stuff you're stand up when you're honest like I everyone responds to comics that are honest when you

you know when you're watching a comic you're like I don't believe it. Yeah, yeah. I'm immediately checked out. Watching you, when we gigged in Runcorn in the summer, watching you work through stories is amazing

because you're an amazing storyteller. But when it's not polished, polished, polished, and you're working out which bits are going in, which bits are... That's almost like some of my favourite times to watch comics. Yeah. And I was behind the curtain, and you were telling like a 10-minute story. And the Runcorn crowd were into it, in which bits of stuff that's almost like some of my favorite times to watch comics yeah and i was

behind the curtain and you were telling like a 10 minute story and the runcorn crowd were into it but there was also an element of like whoa this is a lot of information and i love it when comics like i've just got to find out how much i can tell you it's weird i know when to pull the point when you're working through like when you're working towards an hour and you you know there's because i had a bit similar last year weirdly along the lines of a stripper spitting in my mouth and making me cut and saying like you're being a bad boyfriend with me and me just me going fucking hell i'm into that that's that's weird i don't know i was into that stripper was me that's how we met but i knew that that bit in the show worked amazingly but whenever I did it in the club

and like because it was like a 15 minute bit whenever I did it as part of a set without enough time because it was like 45 minutes into the show and I had so much time to kind of establish and make sure everyone was comfortable first but when you do it in a set it was so jarring and I think that's that that bit which I won't go into because it's in the next show but that is the same I know it's going to be good but i have to just there's a couple of times that i've had to just push through that because it's so yeah because if you get 20 minutes on stage and you're trying to work in two 10 minute bits you you work into that yeah you know you're working to a bigger show but really be like hey who's drinking would go much better but i love it like seeing a polished bit's great

yeah but watching you find those lines and it's sort of it's fascinating yeah because we've had a lot of people commenting on

the podcast and 99% is dead positive but then you get the odd one going I've been a fan for years but it's too much

this podcast you're just talking about your sex lives and all that shit and I was like you can't have been a fan for years mate because my stage stuff is well worse than this well we

got a message on patreon last week and i seen this last night when i was doing my prep did you see it it's amazing it says really like this podcast but when you talk about mother teresa and spunking i've got to cancel my membership yeah and as a podcaster you've got to go yep fair one but it's not like well i don't think that's what we're about it kind of is i literally wore the fucking picture of mother theresa on my face what do you fuck mother theresa not now she now. But like, if she was like, Spoiler alert. 88. Yeah.

Yeah. If I was single. Yeah. You're like that, my mum is good. My mum is here for you. Oh my God. I just,

it's not. The real mother's here. Yeah, yeah. I just think like, why wouldn't you? Because you might be into it. And also,

you get to say you've shagged Mother Teresa. Yeah. The problem is, if you be into it. And also, you get to say you've shagged Mother Teresa. Yeah. The problem is, if you are into it, it's a difficult lane to get into it, isn't it? Fucking octogenarian nuns. Nah, it's probably a lot easier.

Really? Because you know where they are. They're always in the home. The convent. Yeah, yeah. So you just get a job as like, you know what I mean? Potter and a caretaker.

So in your head, to fuck 88-year-old nuns, you just become the caretaker So in your head To fuck 88 year old nuns You just become The caretaker of a convent It sounds like One of the worst set ups To a porn film ever Oh my god

Paul's taking a job You dirty nun Cleaning the floor You dirty nun Who's the narrator there? Sounds like an episode Of Dispatch the secret millionaire documentary

oh oh god right so this lad he's apart from his missus and he starts watching a lot of porn have we not finished

the question we haven't even got to the question oh god when I get bored I ventured into various categories on Pornhub where I eventually landed on some trans porn i loved it so much i thought i would explore a bit of gay porn as it's the same anyway no your opinion not mine um and it's absolutely turned my life upside down

i feel like an adolescent teenager who's just discovered his cock i just cannot stop watching and masturbating to guys banging each other i just cannot stop watching and masturbating to guys banging each other i've always been straight and i love lisa that's definitely not a real name to bits but it's getting to the point where i cannot wait for her to leave the house when she pays a visit once a week so i can whip the laptop out and get back to it i don't feel gay i've never been attracted to guys but i'm having thoughts about doing the real thing i don't want to hurt my girlfriend so i can't say nothing to her what the fuck do i do and that's from rob thomas in liverpool he'd do very well in the gay community rob i think he's a bad

do very well yeah he's baloo yeah um i think he needs to shag a fella jackham jack and he needs to leave his because it sounds like he's young. Because they're both still living with the parents. So it's like they're probably in late teens, aren't they? So he just, he can't go through the rest of his life wondering where they're. But should he leave his Mrs. Fair? No, no. I'll do this on the side and see.

I'll tell you what I think. Yeah? So basically. Knee boots up. Yeah. I'm going gonna give it um basically I think

what the what the attraction to doing watching that is is probably because it's wrong and it's in his head

it's wrong yeah right but like if he was able to to be open now I know that's a tall order because

most women would be like are you fucking for real do you know what i mean so but it's it's not being able to share it with somebody and that's what makes it grow because if he if he could share it and maybe explore things with her like do you know what i mean and then maybe the desire wouldn't be so strong it's a funny one isn't it because the other way around a other way around if a girl goes to a guy i've been watching some lesbian porn and i think i'd like to try it most of us will be like yes let's talk yeah the other way around just it's not as sweet we have to have this conversation because i said if i found that she cheated but then it was with a woman i'd be like well she said if she found

i cheated and it was with a fella it'd be like well she said if she found out i cheated and it was with a fella it would be worse yeah i think that's quite a normal stance for the relationship but yeah to me like if you get she's done you've been she's done i just think like at the end it is different like we've said this before because if she goes with a girl that girl is giving us something that you can't possibly do unless you're going to just grow a vagina, which is difficult, notoriously. Yeah.

It's a weird, just a difference between the sexes. Or just get his missus a strap on and go, here you go, love. I've got you now. Do you not think, he obviously, because that whole thing of like,

oh, I've got bored of this porn. Like I've watched, I've seen trans porn and you're like, yes, it's not something I'm into, but I'm not disgusted by it.

It's never made me go full gay porn like I I will watch porn to the point where I'm like god I've literally gone through all the genres here you know when you're on porn

you'll be like I can't go to another category like I'm getting so specific like that is the most terrifying when you come across a video you've seen before on porn I'll be like

oh I've got about three or four favourites I've seen this how's that happen I've got about three or four favourites that I just keep on a rotation. Have you bookmarked? No, I just remember the names.

I have bookmarked some of my favourite scenes. They're the closers. What are the search terms? Depends on what mood I'm in. Tennis player. Muslim squirter. Oh, come on, bro. Muslim squirter.

Muslim squirter. Let's just leave it hanging. I know we want to try and do add-ons. Come on, bro. Yeah. If, yeah. Nope. Hell no, bro.

Middle Eastern midwife squirts all over Ward. Oh, yeah, yeah. See, I watched one patron. Do you search for that? Do you search for that Do you search for that Or do you Like Because that's searchable shit

You've got to search Yeah See I'm more of a And then you end up On a list in the Pentagon I just like a little roulette Like so I don't like

I like recommended Sorry what A roulette You put your porn hub On shuffle Just like a little like Just See what's happening

Yeah I like a look about yeah i don't i'm very specific yeah you're specific have you ever i'm not through that have you ever found something that you're like not for me you know what i don't ever think uh but i i am intrigued and i will watch a porn video from start to finish and not have a wank. Do you know what I mean? Just if it's intriguing. Like, out of pure fascination. You just appreciate

the cinematography? No, just if it's something weird. The lighting guy's done a fucking blinder of a job there. No, but you know, if something's weird

and it's not for me, like, I'll watch it out of interest. Yeah. If it's something mad. You guys are a fun couple. You really are are aren't you let's be honest

so you think he needs to shag a fella and you think he needs to try and bring it up with the missus yeah if Paul said to you

he was into gay porn would you be well I mean we've explored all the areas so yeah but you're not

standard fare have you been watching men bumming I've watched gay porn yeah just do anything for you I've watched gay porn all the areas so yeah but you're not standard fair have you been watching men bumming i've watched gay porn yeah just do anything for you i watched gay porn on the podcast i'll be honest with you sometimes like i i go a lot darker when i'm hungover me yeah so i like horrible stuff when i'm hungover little people getting pissed on so like yeah just fucking disgusting stuff so and i'm not saying gay porn is disgusting stuff but like i go a lot

darker do you mean yeah and i had a lot of search terms in right and the thing is he tells me he rang me up and he goes yeah i went a bit uh weird on uh porn the other night i went oh yeah it's just like a normal conversation he went yeah I was shagging a fat bird in a car park with small tits yeah

fat bird with small tits I don't know why yeah fancy that big fat bird with small tits in a car park and you can find that

have you ever done that thing when you're going round the porn hub like houses and then you sort of come back and you're like I just want to see some normal bonking

or a blowjob you go so so dirty like and then you're like I just want to see some normal bonking or a blowjob you go so so dirty like and then you're like I do like blowjobs but I only like the compilations yeah I don't like blowjob porn

I fucking hate it it's the one thing I won't watch I hate it I just hate it it doesn't turn me on at all it's horrible

you're watching that going I'm going to need some fucking cowpaw after that shall we wrap up this pod because I'm getting I feel like I need to go home come on bro

he's shoving his pipe up his bum in a minute you can't just go out and bang a man you can't it's still cheating you can't I don't think

you can't or is that best he doesn't know if he's gay maybe he has gay feelings I don't think he's gay does he Dean's not gay tell him he's not. Maybe he has gay feelings. I don't think he's gay. Does he? Dean's not gay. Tell him he's not gay.

Are you sure though? Are you sure? Because I don't know. Dean's not gay. There is the possibility. He's bi. That he's bi. But that's not what I'm going to say. He likes the sexual aspect of men with men. That doesn't mean that he's bi.

Could be an indicator. Because I think that bi, to be bi, you have to say that you can have a relationship with both a man and a woman. Right? I don't think just, because I watch lesbian porn,

but some days I think, no, I'm not into that today. But that doesn't make me bi. I've slept with women. That doesn't make me bi. It makes you more bi than it does straight, though. No, because I would never be in a relationship with a woman. Laurie, I love your...

It's the same as you're the smoker. It doesn't. I love your... I have fucked a woman. I've sat on her face. I've worn it like a fucking glove puppet. But I'm not bi. And I don't smoke. You're not it like a fucking glove puppet. But I'm not bi. And I don't smoke.

You're not bi relationship, but you are bisexual. Bi is short for bisexual and you've had sex with both. I'm not in Al-Qaeda. But I've just blown up a few buildings. Part time.

And I've never been a few buildings. Part time. And I've never been a midwife in Tehran. Oh God. I've never pissed on anyone. Well, there you go. There's something you're not into. You fucking tried though. Here's what I think. It's possible that he's watching this.

If he's like me, which he probably isn't, when I watch something a film program go on i put myself in it don't i you know this i in my head in every film yeah so you're fucking spider-man no i'm mary jane no but like i'm in the film it's happening around me do you know what i mean so maybe he's just being the postman maybe he just needs to bum someone like like it doesn't have to be a man that could be anyone's arsehole oh god yeah why can't he bum his missus exactly just talk to your missus lad just put it back say listen i need to bum you because i'm into bumming

just talk to your missus lads and say listen I need to bum you because I'm into bumming and then just imagine throw some hairs on her I think this guy might

get a sharpie give her a hairy bum hole just be like love I'm going away with the lads for the weekend she'll be like

oh is it a boys weekend and you'll be like but like I might be talking out of turn here but I bet there's a lot of men that secretly watch gay porn

I don't think there is. Maybe touched on it a little bit. You're right. I think what you're doing here is called projection. I'm sure you're right. I think I'm right. To email into this podcast, something's clicking, isn't it? It's not like, ah, sometimes I watch, I'm not asked.

He is asking for some advice because I think he knows i think he knows what's coming he's like i cannot wait for my missus to leave the house it feels like i've just discovered my dick this it's in the email and he's ring he's emailing us to go is this what i think it is i think it is i think he i think he needs to explore it maybe he goes and does it and and like goes to a gay club snogs a guy and goes ah did not enjoy that and there's nothing there and then he knows that he's got a weird porn thing did you just say get the aids wow well who knew it'd be a guest that got us cancelled snogs a gay guy gets the eight come on why'd you do this i can see your podcast is gonna do quite well

mate i swear to god every fucking week i'm like this is going dead well and i can feel it coming and she's fucking she just does something fucking ridiculous and i'm like and she gets away with it somehow but i'm like oh no that's gonna be the one that's gonna be the one i'm gonna be all over fucking twitter tomorrow we'll take it from us you never know when it's coming but when it does takes about eight days so we're gonna close off today with a few apologies i'm sorry are you both sorry i i mean i didn't say anything are you sorry for everything you've said that could have possibly caused defense in this week's episode i it was not my intent to cause offense and the my views are not the views of the have a way podcast no but you are sorry if anyone has

been upset by something you've said yes yeah you are so just say that to the camera please i'm very sorry no don't look at the camera look at at each other. Sorry. Sorry to you. I'm sorry for bringing your reputation into this. Dean needs to try a dick, don't he? Come on, bro. Dean, you've got four different types of advice here. Dan wants you to go and explore your sexuality. Paul reckons you're gay. No, I just said he needs to try it.

He needs to try it. Loz thinks bring it up at your missus, try and get it open, have a conversation. And I just think you need to bum something. And there you go. Do you know, being gay doesn't mean you just like arseholes you know bumming isn't like that like gay men are like i just love arseholes on man woman fox it doesn't matter just love an a-hole like bumming's not gonna do it is it if it's not a man and he's gay it depends what he's into he might not be gay i think, is it? If he's not a man and he's gay. It depends what he's into. He might not be gay. I think he might just like bumholes.

Maybe he likes getting bummed. He's arsehole sexual. And not bumming, doing the bumming. Arsehole sexual. What? I'm not saying he's gay. I'm saying he likes bumming.

Maybe he likes being bummed. What is that? Is that not a type of sexuality? Maybe it's a new thing. LGBT bummer. LBB. Other second being. LBGTQ.

Yeah. He might just be into bumming. He might be gay. I don't know. But start by just bumming anything. And if you can get your answer. If that doesn't answer the question, then bum a fella.

And I tell you this, guys, not to bring it back too harshly, but if you are going to get bummed, you want to clean your anal area with Manscaped. Promo code word, of course. Yeah, just bum something. Anything you can get hold of. What do you mean, don't?

That's not... The guy's watching Gabe Bowen. That's not a good first step. Is that still cheating, isn't it? Is you saying Bum your girlfriend If she's up for it And if not

You're missing the point He might like To be bummed Yeah but that's step two Isn't it No Because I don't think

That's a stage I think he wants to be bummed Maybe he's already Bummed his bed And it just hasn't done so Yeah maybe If that's the case He wants to be bummed

Then go and get bummed I feel like we need Dean To call him Because We haven't got enoughmed do you think we need Dean to call him because we haven't got enough information I feel like look if you've bummed your beard

if you've bummed your beard already and that hasn't done anything then go out there and get bummed it's not lighting up Paul you know because it's not actually

going to happen email him and say Isabelle means yeah what an absolute nightmare that would be Dean hi mate

you know you emailed in. I've got your speakerphone. Do you want to be bummed? Lad, listen. Here's the steps in the order to do them. If you've already done any of these steps, right? Then ignore them. Bum your bed.

Bum a man. Get bummed by a man. And you're done, pal. You were trying for a fourth one it's not as easy and then have a think can't you just start like kissing a fella

it's not as easy though is it think about that if you're a straight guy yeah straight guy and you can't just go and bum a fella or get off with a geezer

like oh right can I bum you you just can't do that you have to go on Grindr it's a lot of there's a lot of things involved that you have to do to eventually meet up with a lot of there's a lot of things involved that you have to do to eventually meet up

with a guy to then bum him it's not that hard is it it is if you take women out of the conversation it's dead easy men can just go

are you gay do you want to bum me like it's easier if you're trying to conceal it or be secretive about it it's hard to get yourself out there wait tell me

Holiday Inn opens bum your beard bum a man Or be secretive about it It's hard To get yourself out there Wait till the holiday And opens What? Bum your beard Bum a man Get bummed by a man Have a think Compare notes Compare notes

And then email in Have a word pod At gmail.com God we really got Delving into Dean's sex life Didn't we? I hope he finds love I we I hope he finds love

I do I hope he finds I loved You're like Yeah I've slept with women But I'm not bisexual Yeah You can

Unless you I just think bisexual You have to I want to be In a relationship With that No Because it's bisexual

No but Not by cohabiting I wouldn't class myself As bisexual Yeah but By the definition of bisexual, everyone else would. Yeah.

Yeah, well. But we support your choices. But is that true? So, like, if he discovers he's gay, but he has had sex with a woman, does that mean he can never be gay? He's always bisexual? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That is a good point. No. Well, that's what you've just said, though. No, it isn't. Because if she's had sex with a woman, but then decided that she doesn't, that's no, no, no, no, no, no. That is a good point. No. No. Well, that's what you've just said, though. No, it isn't. Because if she's had sex with a woman and then decided that she doesn't, that's not for her, then she still,

then goes back to being straight, doesn't she? Oh, yeah, I suppose. You've done the market research and you know for certainty. And this is when I was in my 20s, like, I haven't recently done that. But you wouldn't do that again? No, no.

Oh, so, but would you say that at the time that was... I wouldn't seek to go and sleep with a woman, no. But that was bisexual. But did you enjoy it? It was by accident. By accident. She was just laying there. I'm not bisexual.

I'm by accident. I don't know if you meant to do that joke, but that was a fucking corker. Are you bi? I'm by accident. She'll be 20s. But you're ignoring you're ignoring the the complicated issues around coming out as gay and like that everything we're brought up with from literally childhood all the

way through is normal heteronormative it's the same isn't it you're taught to be what i'm saying about that let's say Dean goes and has sex with that fella and then goes, okay, it was just a porn thing. In reality, it's not for me.

I'm going to go back to your missus. That's what making Biden is. He's not Biden, is he? No, I know, I know what you mean. But at the time,

when you were having sex with women, that was quite bisexual, wasn't it? Well, I was, I used to work in a strip club behind the bar right and it was my birthday and it happened like they got the two of the strippers come in

i need to get a bar job in a strip club are they give me a dance we haven't got a card and uh and that's how it happened so i never do you know what I mean? So it never happened intentionally. It was by accident. That was so funny. Listen, there's no judgement. I'm just interested by it. You know, I fucked a guy called Jeff, but it was ages ago and things have changed.

Did you fuck him? Were you the bummer or the bummy? I was joking. I think you've not heard about that i've 150 episodes i was seeing a guy called jeff by accident i don't know why we applied for a mortgage pod over where can they find all your shit um youtube port it's paul what's the story Paul and Laurie If you search Paul and Laurie You'll find us Same on all the

Audio platforms That you can get You know where they are Because you get this one And your social medias Will have already been On the screen Yeah

But At Paul is the Joker And at What on Instagram At Laurie Callow But with a zero That's the second Sweet

Very good podcast as a pleasure thanks very much guys did you just end with like an Indian accent no that was my Sheffield accent it's just really bad

say sorry now if anyone takes offence to that I'm very sorry to the mining town of Sheffield do it in the accent say sorry in the accent sorry sorry

so so sorry sorry goodbye Felicia thanks guys bye bye