Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #115 with Jamie Webster - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. I had to stop mid-sex this morning to have some chocolate. We are living very, very different lives. I mean, I'm lactose intolerant. No, go on. Just got out of breath and dizzy.

So I needed to... It's not a good sign, that is it, kid? No, but I didn't eat much last night and I had some beers and the room was hot overnight. So I was dehydrated. I'm asthmatic. I'm tired.

And horny. And horny. But I still love to fuck. I can't feel my left hand side. I probably had a stroke. I'm probably diabetic. But I still love to fuck. I don't think I'm diabetic.

No. I don't feel diabetic. Yeah? Just feel horny. You know what I mean? I feel like diabetes is a choice and I've decided to I'm diabetic. No. I don't feel diabetic. Yeah? Just feel horny. You know what I mean? I feel like diabetes is a choice, and I've decided to not be it. That's how medical science works, isn't it?

Like, oh, come on. I've got cancer. You choose to have cancer. Pussy-o. Hang on. It's so much information, and I don't want to leave it because sometimes we like

skip past things this I feel needs unpacking okay I mean to the point where I want to know what type of chocolate it was it was the new

dairy milk white marvellous creations do you know marvellous creations with the poppin candy and jelly beans in it's a busy chocolate, isn't it? Yeah, but I really like it, and I love white chocolate, and it's like,

I walked past it in the Asda the other day, and it called to me. Like, I didn't even see it. It wasn't even in me periphery. It was, like, behind me, and I just heard, hey, look, look at me. look look at me I'm everything you've ever wanted in a snack do you think it sounded like that

or is that just your internal monologue because it sounded like an asthmatic scout so it's a weird hey answer

come and eat me lad I'm so sick I've got loads going on oh that was really funny as well

on the way out of the asda that day and we will go back I'll make sure we don't skip past that was really funny as well. On the way out of the Asda that day, and we will go back. I'll make sure we don't skip past any of this. We're going back to the fucking, we're going back to the chocolate fucking. Carl, you're the producer. You're in charge of this shit.

Don't you worry, I'll keep it on the side. Do you know the Asda in Walton? I do, yeah. There's always like a homeless guy, smackhead guy, whatever the political term. On the right. Whatever. The scaghead, baghead. What's the political term. On the right. Whatever. The Skagad.

Bagad. What's the political... I'm trying to be PC. Fucking Smachrat. As the Smachrat. I don't know where he's got a name badge from. Says Smachrat. Outside Goblin.

I think it is. I think that's the political term. Outside Goblin. The door goblin. Yeah. The door goblin, yeah. So... I think that's the political term outside goblin the door goblin yeah the door goblin yeah so I hate it when them cunts are dead chipper

you know like alright yeah no worries have a good day like oh don't be nice be a popper be a smack rat there's one of them in town

right the one with no legs yeah have a good day mate you have a good day he never asks for money the one with no legs does he

no all he says all he says is have a good day, mate You have a good day He never asks for money The one with no legs, does he? No All he says All he says Is have a good day He's the one Near hot water Yeah Near the

What's the really Is it the The pub that's really ornate And beautiful on the corner No, no, no No, that's a different guy He's dead sound as well This one

This one in a wheelchair He's got no legs He's literally got no legs And he's nice to you yeah he's overly nice clever

as you're walking past he just goes okay have a nice day now alright have a good day guys cheers guys thanks very much have a good day make sure your day's good

he must go home and scream oh what am I talking about what's that call the homeless guy when he clocks off and he heads home

and he's Ford Cougar he must be fucking he must scream into the mirror and he's four bedrooms this is sort of what I was getting

round to so I walked out the Asda with Sam right and the the man the fella the person

the dude the person of whatever he went to me Floor Hobbit he went to me you don't half look like that comedian off the telly

and I went yeah that's me mate and he went oh that's me my day next time you're on mention me and I went

oh that was nice wasn't it and Sam went where's he seen ya yeah where's he watching telly yeah maybe the big telly's in John Lewis Yeah

In the window Maybe he's got a dongle Why's he got Why's he got wifi access Like There's many fake homes People in town I've already mentioned it

Yeah They're shutting up At that fridge you know I don't know what's going on There's a bit of a whiff On me can Smell your can Metal I was like metal Bit of a whiff on me can. Smell your can.

Metal. I was like metal. Bit of a whiff on it. My arm's in a package and I want it. You got smelly metal. The what? My arm's in. It's the one.

Smelly metal. Air. But yeah. So. Chocolate. As they're done. Have we done as they're? Yeah.

We've done the floor goblins. Yeah. What are they called? Homeless people. Outside. The homos. The homos, yeah. The homos, yeah. There's What are they called? Homeless people. Outside people. The homos. The homos, yeah. The homos, yeah.

There's a homo outside, as there. Dirty homo. A homo. What? It's not often Carl takes it too far, is it? It feels weird when

he must be an animal. He was dirty, to be fair. Like, nothing you've said is inaccurate. Yeah, because John Lewis, don't you let you use the baths, do they? Like, you can have a watch of TV. Can't get them. All right, tell me what to see, Adam, bro.

Do they sell baths at John Lewis? No. Your banter did not get past the accreditation. Didn't pass the sniff test. Yeah. What were we talking about? Shagging. Shagging now.

You've done chocolate. You've done that. You woke up like, oh, I got bad breath, but I'm feeling kind of sexy. And she went and brushed their teeth as well, which I feel like is cheating. Yeah, because she's a fucking gentleman.

And you didn't. No. That is cheating. Do you know what I mean? She's like, she didn't want me to. She wants to feel good about herself. Do you know what I mean? It's new she didn't want me to she wants to feel good about herself i mean new in it new relatively new relationship doesn't feel like it is you're in

your bed in it yeah yeah yeah yeah um so the war the room was too warm room was hot overnight heating on overnight and it was a warm morning Wasn't it Fucking hell lad Right it's no But it's been a bit Of a weird one recently Hasn't it Because it's been It was cold last night So we put the heating on

And then fell asleep It was warm last week And then it's all of a sudden Gone nah That's not spring It's fucking Baltic But it was really cold Last night

So we were like Slashed the heating on But then we fell asleep Both tired And we woke up to that You know when you wake up And you're like Oh I gotta go to work soon

But we could Before we Oh you're looking so fine With your bad breath go to work soon. But we could, mm, before we, eh. Oh, you're looking so fine with your bad breath. Go brush those teeth. I'll fuck you. With your hair stuck to the side of your head. Oh, shit.

You dribbled on the pillow, baby. And daddy likes a soggy pillow. And then we went for it. But I just got out of breath. And then so did she. Because you hadn't eaten the night before. Because I hadn't eaten the night before Because I hadn't eaten the night before Did you have to tap out

Mid position Like Love Love Love Love I'm going I'm going We just stopped

I went and had some chocolate And she had a go on my inhaler And I'm not even messing Wow And you carried on No we stopped after that We said Working class porn

Gunna hell off Aye I'll have a bag of chips Otherwise I'm not going to get To the fucking end of this scene He fucked me Outside a pound bakery Working class porn

For all you fucking We said we'll We'll pick it up later When I get off and work We left it too tight And he won And even Finn Could have smacked that down

Finn's not concentrating Finn's tight You need some popping candy I'm going to tie for time So So we can meet later I said I'm going to just Carb load throughout the day

You're not running a half marathon You're just banging your missus I've been in training I've been in training You know We start fucking Initially It's like couch to 5k

It's It's basically bed To long fuck That's what we do We just have 5 minutes of shagging Pop it in Pop it out Nothing vigorous

Build up to it Over the months And now we bang For 20 minutes That's a long shag though Isn't it 20 minutes But the foreplay

Make it seem longer Fucking ain't nothing But 50 pumps Count them If you ain't got nothing to do But the foreplay Make it seem longer Fucking ain't nothing But 50 pumps Counting If you ain't got nothing to do But the foreplay Make it seem longer No 20 minutes

Is about normal innit It's bad because No it's not From penetration To Spaff Spaff 20 minutes

Yeah Nah Yeah 20 Minutes And you shouldn't No it's 20 minutes You go A full Headline. 20 minutes. And you shouldn't know it's 20 minutes. You go, wow, that's long.

A full headline set. 20 minutes. Yeah. That's what I call it as well. Yeah. Red light on 18. Yeah. Fingerings the support act.

You know what I mean? That's the opener. Yeah. Bit of tongue action. That's the middle. Your headline act. Rowie's dick. Welcome to,

with his own walk on music. What would it be? Oh, bless your dick in my cunt. Run your fingers near my bum. Well,

all right. As if you went cunt in the hole. Oh my God, yes, I was wrong. Oh, all right. As if you went cunt in the hole. Oh my God, yes. Oh, man. Yeah. What a way to feel.

About 20 minutes is about right. 20 minutes. I want a stop clock on this. This is the guy who's just had to have a fucking picnic mid-shag. Well, this is 100% true. And when you meet Sam, you can ask him. She'll tell you. It's 100% true.

I'm probably not going to open with it, you know, because I've not met her. All right, love. How long have you fought for? Thanks for the present for the newborn, but never mind that. Oh, is this your mum and dad? Two seconds. No, the other day. Right.

The other day, we were in a rush. So she did the old, we can do it it but we've got to be quick so i timed it and i was trying to finish as fast as i could right what did you get it in eight and a half minutes oh eight and a half minutes is a quick one that was as quick as i could bloody hell you've got some you've got i was really trying but like it did feel like i was i have finished quicker than that but oh i felt like, it felt like I was so conscious of the time, it was affecting the speed. Yeah.

When I was younger, I had a bit of a problem with getting in there, and I honestly was struggling to last as long as the countdown clock. Really? Oh, my God. The first, my first girlfriend, proper girlfriend, was called Nikki Clark. The hairdresser? The hairdresser. I a cup the hairdresser i've dated the hairdresser yeah a man yeah yeah i mean i just started uh a levels and you started

dating but i started dating a 42 year old male hairdresser it was just a different time you know it was a different time thank you yeah she was called nikki clark bless her it's unfortunate when someone becomes uh like famous after you've already been christened and you were what you were you were going to it that's honestly i wish i could show your picture she she looked kind of like nikki clark she looked like nikki clark's daughter i really wish i could get this i had a picture of her she was such a lovely girl she was from Southport and we dated for about six months just after my mum had died. So she got a pretty emotionally fucking tilted,

like 16, 17 year old. And she went, she did that thing of like, we're going on the pill and we'd had sex, you know? I don't, I don't, she wasn't my first. She was one of my first.

Like, she was like, I don't know. It was early doors. It was my, some of my first England caps. You know what i mean and then she went on the pill mum took we got i got on really well i see so you've gone from johnny's yeah to bear and that definitely yeah bear dick do you know what i mean because yes but it does because like condoms are horrible yeah they do ruin it mood ruiners you literally this is how bad condoms are you have to weigh up as a young

man like i mean i could take the kid to the park i mean do i want a kid like i really hate condoms am i ready at 17 to be a dad i don't know it's like a decision isn isn't it? It's like, it's, you get used to them. So in my past relationships, like there's been times where like girlfriends have been like, we're using condoms and you do get sort of used to it. But then the second you do it without one, it's like you've been opened up. No, totally.

To a whole new world. A whole new world. Don't you dare close your eyes i can show you the world yeah it was the first time was the first time i'd ever not used a condom she maybe was like the third girl i'd slept with and the first two i almost think you've got to put it down to misadventure because it was like what are we even doing i think honestly my virginity might have been just a big lass's armpit i'm not even sure it was dark you know there was lots of crevices i just gave it my best effort and the first time it was without condoms it was all like oh we're gonna do this and we were like

and got in there and wow talk about shaving time off your pb that was for not and i probably wasn't lasting loads at 16 17 but you just got in there oh that was amazing and then it's a struggle going back in it but i remember being a young man that would be a bit of an issue i just get a little bit too excited and be like sorry what's your method what do you mean your method of staying on longer yeah everyone's got a method haven't they genuinely one of mine was you've just got to get the first round out of the way and then you know we'll talk on the second round oh i see yeah no i've i've sort of been there before on like and it's very rare normally if i'm drunk i it i it's takes... No, but here's the thing. So either it takes ages, slash it doesn't happen, or there's been a couple of times back in me head. Me head.

Where I've been on a one-night stand, and it's happened in like a minute or so. And I've gone, right, we'll go again. And then the second one lasts for ages, and then she's happy as well. But a common technique, if you feel like you're going to finish, is to switch position, isn't it?

That's like a common thing. And that does the exact opposite for me. Because if I feel like I'm close and we switch, the second we switch. Oh, really? Too sexy? Right. Yeah. They all pull out and jump down.

That's the classic, isn't it? Jumped off the bed. Just get off. That's a classic, isn't it? Jumped off the bed. Just get off. That's a good way to stop yourself coming. Well, genuinely, I was having such problems with it as a young man. Because, and I don't want to seem like a, I'm not saying like I was like an undeniable shaggot, but it was a big priority in my life until about two years ago.

And I actually read up on it a little bit, did some research, and there are techniques, not just like, think of Margaret Thatcher. The problem... Think of Helen Mirren. That's not going to help.

Well, the problem I always had with... You know, like... One time I thought of Gail Platt, but it didn't work. Yeah. And I finished, and I was like, fucking hell. She is sexy, though. I'm not jizzing for Rosie.

Better not be, because she's a child. For Gail. Oh. We've just made Kevin Webster into pedo. So is this the switch position? Mine's the... Apparently you can pull, if you pull your balls down. What do you mean pull out and jump down?

Pull out and then lick the mouth? Yeah. because then you look good as well oh i just love how adam is like the there's never any like what do you mean pull out and then this is for both of us what do you mean pull out and like batter no well you said jump down i didn't think, no. Oh, it's the old, oh, you need, I'm going to be nice now. This is not for me.

Yeah, no. If you're trying to look like a Lothario, like. That is my technique. It's the classic. So the switch position doesn't work. So that's mine.

Right. That's mine. Apparently you can pull, pull your balls down because when it's ready for Just the time Your balls sort of Move up a little bit Like Like torpedoes

In the fucking tube Like ready to Load in the gun Yeah So you can like Be like No guys I've got to be honest

With you though Yeah Explain the matter Again You're having sex with Yeah What are you doing there Tugging on my own testicles

I'm pulling my balls down Yeah You see This is the thing When you're young When you're old You're like I'm tugging on my balls love You mind see, this is the thing. When you're young, when you're old, you're like, I'm tugging on my balls, love.

You mind your fucking business. Daddy busy. But when you're young, you're trying not to. You're like, oh, sorry. And the other one is to slap your dick. Nope. Right. On my newborn son's life, I am reversing that bullshit bell.

I swear to God. Slap bullshit bell. I swear to God. I swear to God. Bad dog! I read. Bad dog! You know, you're literally, your dick is like, I'm good to go.

It's hard. It's like, you can just give it a slap and it makes it. Why have you got a garden hose out? I think it's a euphemism, isn't it? Right. Right.

I have, I have, at moments, at moments of near completion, not with a one night stand, with like a girl that, you know, you're close with,

who knows I'm an absolute nutter. Your wife. I have, no, this is BC, BL. Bam. You're getting too close,

then change your positions, angle and tempo, makes it feel totally Bam. If you're getting too close, then change your positions, angle and tempo. Makes it feel totally different. If it's still too much, jump off and start eating it out. Leave your cock alone. There you go. Jump off. Right.

Oh, it's a great, yeah, it's a good technique. But sometimes, if the trainer's already left the station, it's not always easy. Do you know what I mean? It's like, a lot of times I've done that. I've been like, oh, something's happening and you're trying to play cool and you're like, don't really love,

I'm just going to go, and then all of a sudden I've jizzed on the foot of the bed. No control. No control. I have just ended up jizzing where everyone's feet are and then who's sleeping

in that wet patch? Like my toes are all sticky. Everyone. But I have honestly pulled out and given it an audible like slap and it hurts like a shock make it sexy though hey yeah hey yeah do you know what i find as well because that says change tempo right yeah i don't find that helps because if I go slower, sexier, it's not just sexier. You too.

You too. You too. Honestly, when you're not, it was the way you call it. Sexier. Your friendship is too intense sometimes. You either rip in the absolute shit out of each other.

I was like, no, sometimes I go slow and then then Colin, everyone's here. Especially if you're listening with that in headphones. Sexier, yeah? Go on, Adam. I fucking love you, lad. Sexier, I can imagine.

Go ahead. No, but like... My ears are hurting. Like, when you're going at it, like, when you're going at it like when you're going at it yeah like all

not all the nerve endings getting touched like it doesn't feel like they are because you're going so fast oh because you're doing the pneumatic yeah but when you start going slow everything just gets a little

just a little I don't want to think about this anymore like imagine this is my day look like if you're going fast, it's only like catching. But if you're going slow, like all the walls of the pussy. Every millimetre. I hope you're having your breakfast, Liz.

I hope this is your Saturday morning if you're a patron, Monday morning if you've not committed to the real deal. I hope you're like mid-Cocoa Pops, and he went, the walls of the pussy. Fucking Cheerios everywhere. The walls of the pussy. Do you know what I mean?

I do know what you mean, but it's the worst vigil you've ever given us. Do you know what I mean, ladies? Do you know? I mean, ladies? Do you know? You pussy what? Old Papa Rose just fucking coming in. Hey, if I'm drilling, you don't feel a fucking thing. I'm coming, coming.

Just tickle, tickle. Out the old pussy wall. Hey, what's that at the wall? It's my fucking dick, lad. I've laughed a fart out of that. And it's really bad. And I'm sorry. It's too funny.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like the slowness sometimes. It's a false economy. Okay. Because you feel like, oh, if I go slower. London's school of economics. If I go slower, then I can last longer.

When in reality, you're just kidding yourself and everyone you love porn has affected a lot of like lads shagging techniques on it yeah yeah porn like i've talked to my female friends and they're like it it honestly you can tell when a guy is obsessed with porn because he does the sort of like missionary and then bends you over. He literally just... Because in porn, it's like all five positions, like the main ones, isn't it? What are the five?

I don't know. Missionary, doggy, cowgirl, and then it all gets a bit inventive, doesn't it? Reverse cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. It's reverse cowgirl where she faces the door. Yeah, like she wants to get off. Yeah.

Faces the door. Blair Witch. Look at me! I don't know what the fifth one is. What's your favourite? The Dion Dublin. The Dion Dublin? That's the fifth one, yeah.

What's that? You just get off at the header. Do you know what? I really didn't used to like Girl on Top until I got a bit older and lazier. Do you have to know what to do? And then Laura's got phenomenal whaps. There's nothing.

And then all of a sudden you're like, this is great fun. Yeah. There's nothing better than a girl who knows what she's doing on top. And there's nothing worse than a girl who doesn't know what she's doing on top. Yeah.

Oh. Actually, yeah. It's like the little pelvic bone. Oh God. Yeah. Oh. Actually, yeah, it's like the little pelvic bone. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, it's dangerous, isn't it? Sometimes it's like they're trying to fucking baste a fucking plastic bag. Oh. They're just like...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's dangerous. Like, good for you. You mean Shag and Shrek? Once, twice, actually, yeah. As you well know. She sounded dreadful. She sounded worse than that Cadbury's chocolate bar.

Good for you. You know what I mean? Yeah, no one wants to be like, when they're like, it's when they get a bit like, they're having a seizure on a fucking booking bronco. You're like, no, love, that's dangerous. No, this is going to end up broken

or somewhere that you don't want it. What if they've got the rhythm? Oh, the rhythm's going to get you. The rhythm. Yeah. Rhythm is going to end up Broken or somewhere That you don't want it But if they've got the rhythm Oh the rhythm's going to get you The rhythm Yeah Rhythm is going to get you Rhythm is going to get you How do you like me now?

Do you know what The best Do you know what the best thing is? What? It's The best A girl can do on top The best way I can describe it

Is if She was trying To use her vagina To knead bread Do you mean just like what's the hands did she do them the best i can describe it it's honestly that is not a loaf that i'd try that is an artisan loaf i might leave on the shelf there. Sourdough. Come on, bro. Yeah.

Just like, you know. What's your name with the hands in Pot World? Going low, going down. And Adam's at the side having a vanilla slice. Give me ten minutes. Going local down in a cupola. You need to change the fucking Alexa. Get some Ja Rule on. You know what he likes.

Holy shit. That was so much fun. a silly silly section i've got a week i've got a week old baby this is not my life like if you're like well these two love shagging i mean this is all memory lane for me at the moment when uh when do you think you'll be able to go back to palmtown um well i admitted something on the patreon episode just gone didn't i and it's a private breast-based thing that happened between me and my good wife that she has decided to tell a lot of people about i am her mother you told more people you told thousands of people i don't mind it i think i'm into it look right I know we

I know we say this a lot and we've had a couple of comments recently going oh all the best stuff's on Patreon what a fucking coincidence yeah we save the best stuff for the people who fucking pay for it

to be fair the last 25 minutes was fucking good fun wasn't it it just happens when it happens but you revealed something on Patreon which we won't reveal here

patreon.com slash haveawaypod it's worth the three quid alone. Sign up. This is the most recent episode. And then cancel it. You won't regret it. But I think now that Laura has had her tubes tied

and cauterized, I think she's, I don't know. I don't know. It's going to be a wee while. Obviously she's just had major surgery, but it's funny. Like she, I think she's fancying be a wee while. Obviously, she's just had major surgery. But it's funny. Like, she, I think she's fancying me at the moment.

You think she is? I think she's just, we just got a little, she's got like a, she's giving me a little nod. Like, that's nice. You do look more handsome lately. Got a glow. Got a glow. Your arms look big today.

Yeah. What's going on, guys? That jumper's nice, you know nice you know it isn't it said johan kreuf from retro classics someone asked retroclassics.co.uk really good stuff i'm gonna get another one um it's one of them someone emailed in a few months ago saying oh my missus gave birth in december it's bloody february need sex. You're like, you're kind of, you can't be like a dick about it.

Come on, love. I know you had stitches, but they're fucking out now. But I just think there's going to be a slow build and then it's going to be

a little bit of sexuality. Maybe I'll just play the start of this episode and that'll get her right in the mood. Maybe I'll just clip out Adam's pussy wall. Be like, Laura, do you want to get in the mood. Maybe I'll just clip out Adam's pussy war. Be like,

Laura, do you want to get in the mood? Watch this. Adam like, tickle, tickle, tickle on the old pussy war. Tickle, tickle. And Laura'll be like,

oh, mama like that. Mama like that. It's not, I'll be honest, having a newborn baby is not the sexiest time. When my mother-in-law stood there eyeing in

and my wife, Him's gone by the way. Where's he gone? Absolutely gone. She's got a breast pump going i've got some lids finishing the garden office i've got a builder fucking still finishing my mother-in-law is gonna be off everyone was like are you ready to go back to work i'm swear to god i need this calm i need this calm so uh laura do you know you're gonna watch this and i'm looking forward to making that sweet love plus you've had your tubes tied so i'm blowing

loads everywhere yeah does is there no sort of like scope because the mother-in-law's there that she could look after the children while you go bonk yeah how long because the mother-in-law's there that she could look after the children while you go and bonk? Yeah. How long's the mother-in-law staying for? Another week and a half. That's your window of opportunity. It's not. No, it's not.

Not reckoned? No. So you don't reckon in the next week and a half? No. No. Not after a C-section. Why? Go round the back?

A little bit tender. A little bit tender. i feel we're in a dangerous conversation guys this is a public episode the thing is though it was a c-section so there's been no damage done by the baby okay just ever so slow the baby crying my mother-in-law just creeping don't worry guys I'll just get him do it in your room yeah

yeah do it in your room next to your Super Mario one day one day feels weird that we've done the parenting thing now like that is the

last bibbit I'm having unless something goes really fucking wrong so now it's just we're you know hopefully unless you adopt in a few months

yeah ah Keith yeah I'm not I'm done this is it this is the team now

it's my time gradually my life will get easier but what happens if and then one of you will start having babies and then your life will be fucking

what happens if let's say in like five years so Jack's five Etta will be nine nine what if Jack and Etta

both come to you right and they've been having a Jack and Etta both come to you, right? And they've been having a conversation and they go, we want to adopt a third, we want another brother or sister. Right. And we want them to be of a different ethnicity. It's a weird chat for a five and nine-year-old to have, isn't it? I know things have changed culturally,

but that is a weird chat for a five and, like, can we just have a meeting in this room? Etta's like, I know I'm only nine, but can I have a word? I want a private word with my five-year-old brother. Lad, we need a black brother. And I don't mean figuratively. Do you know what I mean?

Visit Rwanda. Bring something back. Not just duty-free. Why is Etta Scouse? Visit Rwanda. Bring something back. Not just duty free. Why is that to Scouse? I don't know. Because the builders are still there. Builders have been fucking around in my garden for four years and now to the extent that my daughter's gone,

lad, lad. If you were going to adopt a different one though, a different ethnicity, would you go black or would you go Asian or South American? South American? Well.

The old South American ethnicity. Asian babies are the cutest, aren't they? Yeah. 100%. I'm very pro that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I'd love to get like a little Argentinian.

A little Argentinian. A little baby Argentinian Not Chilean Chilean Chilean Chilean I'd like a Maori Would you? Yeah, like the rock

The pebble And at 12 all our fucking Christmas family pictures Are proper fucked up because we've got these awful Anglo-Saxon parents, two Anglo-Saxon kids, and a 12-year-old rock who I've secretly been giving growth hormone in his Coco Pops.

Father, I feel very strong. Why has he still got that accent? Bro. Hey, it's a strong Maori accent. Daddy, I want to play rugby never mind help them fucking scouts I've relight the lawn

with my dick where you from I think I'm from South Africa now I can't do I can't do Maori Maori I don't know I'm so far away from New Maori. I don't know.

I'm so far away from New Zealand that I don't know if we've accidentally been proper wrong, but... Yeah. So, yeah, I'd like to adopt a rock. A Maori. Yeah. Yeah, cool. How about you, Carl?

You'd go Japanese, wouldn't you? Just because you're a year in Japan. And I'd just take cute. Finn, what would you do? You'd go Turkish?'t you just because you're a year in Japan and I'd just take cute Finn what would you do you go Turkish Welsh somewhere else there would be need to adopt

if it was Turkish and Welsh I'd probably that's a good point I'd probably go yeah probably Japanese or Asian yeah

yeah they're all just cute very positive talking about Asian people in a very positive way. Yeah. What are you calling your Argentinian son? Lionel.

John. Every fucking time. John Rowe. John Rowe. The only Argentinian in fucking West Addy. No. You've got to go a bit spicier, haven't you? Jonathan. The only Argentinian In fucking West Dardia No You've got to go Sort of a bit spicier

Haven't you Jonathan Habanero Ro Nando's Nando's Ro Chirizo You know why

It's so funny because because it's like Hispanic so like it's like whoa because they're not like a race that's been

like hammered like no one has ever been to school as a young Argentinian being like I've been racially abused as an Argentinian we're like hey Chirito

fine yeah yeah and they've got their footy in there what else do these in Argentina have they got like a

national dish oh let's have a look let's name them look, eh? Let's name them after that, eh? And then we'll do Japan after this. Is it all just Spanish influence, surely? Oh, no, no, because the indigenous people... Asados.

Asados, that's what I'm calling them. It's asados. Barbecued meat. Barbecued meat grilled on a perillo, large grill that is packed with steak. I feel like that's going to be perillo. Perillo. I would

love to eat that looks good sweet bread do you like those Argentinian Brazilian restaurants

where they just bring you meat after meat unless you turn your little thing over have you been I'm not

I've been but every time I'm just like I'd really love just a properly good steak because you know when they come out and they're like I'm like nah I'd really love just a properly good steak because you know when they come out

and they're like I'm like nah mate where's the guy with the steak oh yeah chicken heart that's what they offered me in Ben Brazil

it's nice you know I haven't tasted it it just feels weird I just don't think about it I always feel like the steak guy just doesn't come round enough

the steak guy doesn't go to any tables he's just teasing you he just walks around the building with steaks like hey where's the steak guy I't go to any tables. He's just teasing you. He just walks around the building with steaks. Like, hey. Where's the steak guy? He's near the disabled toilet.

He doesn't come around very much. But if you want to see chicken, there's a guy. That's far of them. He's everywhere. Speedy Gonzales. We've got some squirrel meat. They can have... Pedro!

Where's the squirrel meat? Where's the steak guy? He's not here. He's gone. He's not allowed to be here. Here they can have guess Pedro where's the real meat where's the steak guy? You know here He gone You're not allowed to be here That's okay another bueno she love me in the money Japan was very don't ask if you don't want to know Really? Yeah, we used to go to yakiniku a lot which is what would those waiters

sound like was that just with food or was it like where is my family sorry Carl I was a bit yeah kidnapping don't ask

just hope no you go to yakiniku restaurants where you make what what what yakiniku like the yo sushi of Japan yakiniku

yakiniku so in the middle of the table was a big yakiniku grill yeah yeah and they gave you the meat and it was Japan. Yakiniku. Yakiniku. So in the middle of the table was a big... Niki naki nu. Grill. Yeah, yeah. And they gave you the meat.

But it was all... Like, yakiniku was cow. So it's just literally all the bits of the cow. Like, all of it. See, it is what... And it tastes amazing, but you don't ask. Like, Steve... Right.

My mate Steve's over there now. He'd go, what's that? And the Japanese person would go, because we go with friends, they'd go, oh, that's like cow dick. I eat it if i liked it wouldn't ask if i didn't like it i go what was that is it is it just in little piles is it arranged in the shape of a cow it's yeah they just give you a cow and a sword see here's my problem with different languages right why not just call it a cow instead of yakiniku no yakiniku is the type of like

yaki is grill right okay so it's grilled cow it's not a grilled cow is it why in other languages don't they just call it a cow is that what you just said it's just fucking japanese people with their own word for cow hang It just cuts. Hang on. Hang on. Yeah. Wait a minute. I thought what Carl was saying

was that yakiniku was Japanese for cow. And that just seems like a lot of effy for such a shit animal. Do you know what I mean?

Right. One syllable instead of yakiniku. Why do we need four syllables for a fucking cow? That's, so, how good the animal is. Yeah.

So, tiger should have more than tiger. Because tigers are great. Yeah, but tiger's short for a Latin version of it, which is longer. You have no idea what you just said, surely. No. Check it. Think about it.

Best animal ever. Tyrannosaurus rex. Fucking loads of syllables. Well known. Heavyweight champion of animals. Yeah, check it. Think about it. Best animal ever. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Fucking loads of syllables. Well known. Heavyweight champion of animals. Yeah. Shit animal. Rat.

It's a lie, I think. What? Sorry. The way you back that up with what looked like facts that quickly is impressive. You just said that like, lad, I've grew up with that belief. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Loads of syllables. I was raped.

My grandad taught me this. Between plastering the fucking wigwam. Rat. One syllable. Ant. Shit. Flea. Shit.

One syllable. Mountain lion. Donkey. Slightly better. Mountain lion. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Sabre-toothed tiger. Duck-billed platypus really fucks up your argument, doesn't it? No, they're sick, then. No, they're not. It's my favourite animal. Shut up tiger. Duck-billed platypus really fucks up your argument, doesn't it? No, they're sick, then. No, they're not. It's my favourite animal. Shut up. A duck-billed platypus? It's a, honestly...

It's got a long swat? It's half beaver, half duck. Exactly. It's fucked up. It's like a Pokemon. How are we following that? Literally. Literally.

We are from fucking pussy walls to duckbill platypus. Either way, the ladies love it. If you want to slow down, if you're about to come, just watch the last three minutes of this podcast.

Tigers, duckbill platypus. Oh God, let's have a little, let's have a little break and we'll be back shortly. Let's have a little break and we'll be back shortly. What's happening, guys?

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money game baby but you're gonna get money off your cbd and what's better than money off nothing go get it supreme cbd.uk going live welcome back tiktok's doing well isn't it yeah our tiktok's doing well i have a word pod on all social medias we've been meaning to do tiktok for ages and i've been banging on about it since like laura's quite into tiktok she's like the old i think mum tiktok's a bit of a thing it's not just for the kids TikTok and Instagram Reels seem to be doing really well obviously our main focus is always the long form podcasts

but we want to get as many eyes on it as possible and the way we do that is clips on social media but it's very hard sometimes isn't it because TikTok's only a minute and Instagram Reels is only 30 seconds to go through 3 hours of a podcast and go what's the funniest 30 seconds of that? Just to get it out there to the masses.

I can imagine some... It is. Carl works his dick off. Carl and Finn are working their dick off. I honestly could imagine people watching going, no, that wasn't very funny. Like, oh, it's hard, isn't it? It's difficult to boil it down. Facebook are like, do as long...

Facebook is so reflective of the people that use it, do as long as, Facebook is so reflective of the people that use it. Take as long as you want. It's an old, dying dog. Take as long as you want. You want a clip of seven minutes? That's absolutely fine.

Upload it. We'll take our time. Have a cup of tea watching it. You want a full two hours? Have two hours. That's absolutely fine. Twitter's like two minutes 20. Opinions,

banter, religion. Is that it? Outrage. That's Twitter's like 2 minutes 20 Opinions, banter, religion Is that it? Outrage Twitter Are you offended about little things? Twitter Are you bitchy and whingy and want to moan about stuff? Twitter

It's getting funny innit Because we're getting more and more eyes on the podcast More and more people are seeing what we do And with that comes You're going to get a lot more fans But, you're going to get a lot more fans, but you're also going to get a lot more whinges. And like we put a clip on TikTok about me saying, those people who've had to shield for a year,

what if they've lost their social skills? Clearly just fucking around. There's people like, well, I've been shielding for a year and I don't find this funny. There's just so many. I watched your TikTok and I've been shielding and I'm not going to go out on the street and fuck everything. And I need to write that down in a comment.

You fucking meths, mate. Keep shielding, dickheads. Stay in the house, turn off the fucking internet and have a nap. Fucking wet wipes. I wonder if there'll ever come a time in the human race melded with social media where people watch something and they don't like it and they just go no on to the next one and they just watch the next thing most people do but it's just the like here comes a comment

fucking not many people watch a video like it and comment and i mean like on twitter especially like oh this is just peaceful just twist is just an angry platform it is it's it's it's what it's about isn't it instagram's so friendly instagram's like i've made my tea i went for a lovely walk with my dog and my girlfriend hey i made i got a baby hey Twitter like I fucking hate your team and your political party fuck off and die

TikTok's like Twitter those first two were mine weren't they I've made me tea I've been for a walk with my girlfriend

and her dog and the third one was you I've had a baby it really feels like I've lost some weight oh that's lovely me again

I don't want to lose weight. That's all right as well. Like, I'm still big. That's fine. You can be big. Instagram. It's pictures and it's friendly. Isn't it?

Yeah. Twitter is just, it's easier to get anger out in 280 characters than positivity, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Anger's like a short reactionary thing, and that's what Twitter is. It's the shortest. It's that.

And it's written as well, isn't it? It's mainly the work. Like, obviously, it's videos and pictures, but Instagram is nearly completely visual, unless they screenshot from Twitter. Yeah. Twitter is written opinion with some pictures and with some videos.

And in those opinions, it gets like, as soon as you're writing something down, that's just what I think. And it just weirdly, the strangest thing for me is I have a burner account for Twitter for porn. Because I love, Twitter's great for porn. If you need a little wanky woo on the go, not like on a fucking. On the go? On a bus. Like. On the go to Not like on a fucking... On the go? On a bus. Like, it...

On the go to me is like walking. I mean, just like an away leg. Somewhere else. You're just not... And also, sometimes, it can't be arsed getting a laptop out. Oh, I never get a laptop out. Oh, no, that's my, like, deluxe...

I'm throwing an inch from my face, pull the pod, spaff, and then I have to, like, press the little button on the bottom right and get rid of the porn otherwise i have to put it in a different room and like wave sage over it yeah well i've been using because twitter's got a lot of porn on it and i've been using it and then gone i'm finished and just like press the like home button and that means that the next time you pop Twitter on,

it's like, oh, and I did that in the birthing suite when Laura was giving birth early. You know, you just get in there and you're like, oh, everything's fine, everything's all right. And then I was like, oh, I'll do the loop of the phone and went onto Twitter and it was like, hi Dan, remember what you were doing three hours ago? You're dead and bastard.

Were you wanking while Laura was in labour? Daniel. Anyway, we've got some correspondence. Daniel. We've got some correspondence. Were you masturbating while your wife was being cut open? No,

no, no dickhead. No, no. Cut open. You have no timescale of pregnancy, do you? In your head, you're like, she started squeezing,

and then it was a C-section. It was the night before, and I was at home. You were at home. Private time. But you said you were going to do the lap of the phone while you were at the hospital. So then we were in the labor suite. It's been a while since I've used my phone.

I go on Twitter, and what was there from before right it all makes sense if you can concentrate through the whole thing i wasn't like laura this is boring i know you're in labour but i want to crack one out this is my birth as well yeah that's frowned upon in the birthing suite i thought you just nipped off to the disabled toilet oh no have you ever had a disabled toilet crack one out have you yeah really held on to the disabled toilet oh no have you ever had a disabled toilet crack one out yeah have you yeah really held on to the thing on the side why why because i love the smell of shit strong start to this section strong start just nipped off you know what i mean from middle of a night out leave you at the bar getting around then go and have a wank come back a lot of sexual stuff happens to you in and around toilets doesn't it

Virginity, crack one out in the dizzies I didn't really wank in the toilet Okay Except on a train No You never had to on a train A trans-penine wank That woman's talking to you though

No wait for her to finish Don't flush your washing machine down the toilet come on no the vibrations of the train on you no you haven't have you

cracked one out in a train toilet in a train toilet yeah genuinely yeah because if it says don't flush your

ex's sweater but it doesn't say anything about cum soaked tissue it doesn't does it so I mean it was in the the lack of it so i mean it was in the lack of the lack of evidence it was in the original script be honest truth truth you row have you touched little vinnie on the 12 20 to london yeah on the virgin toilet on the virgin drink Right I was hungover Oh every time

It's a hangover innit Oh I know I know I've crapped one out In a fucking playground Of a primary school But I had a few drinks Last night

No Mid toffee crisp Let's have a break That's not justified Is it You can't justify Pedophilia with a hangover You can justify

Coming on a train Shall we move on We've dirtied ourselves Into the ground you can justify coming on a train. Shall we move on? We've dirtied ourselves into the ground. We've got a question here from Sean. Says, all right, boys, just a quick stand-up question for you. I made the decision recently when COVID goes away,

I'm going to have a go at an open mic night. Over the years, if a funny subject came to me, I've written it down in my phone just in case. I think I've actually managed to assemble a fairly solid set now. Do you really? Is that what you think, Sean? Aye. Which has given me...

I mean, I've written down all these things. I think I'm ready for Wembley. Oh, carry on. I am listening. I just need to write down an idea for a joke I had earlier. Okay.

I am listening. Keep going. To be fair to Sean, he's on the right tracks because this is Adam Rowe, who's reasonably good at stand-up, and this is exactly what Adam does. This is what all good comics do. Never let a phone, never let an idea just drift away. Always jot it down.

That's one of the best bits of advice. And as you're drifting off to sleep and you're like oh yeah that'd be funny never think it's alright I can't be arsed writing it down I'll just write it down

in the morning because that thought will drift off into la la land and not come back in the morning you're not going to wake up and go

brilliant do you want to hear what my thing is do you want to do it I can tell you if you want or are you going to it's just one line that I think will work

go so I'm writing like if you want. Or are you going to... It's just one line that I think will work. Go. So I'm writing like... Have you ever been on a train? I've wrote a couple of girlfriend bits lately because obviously I've been seeing Sam for a few months now and it'll be like six months by the time we go back to work and that. Yeah. So the line I just thought...

Because she's into astrology, Sam. So is your miss, isn't she? Yeah. Of course she is. So the line I've thought of is my girlfriend's into astrology, which means when she's being a cunt she blames the moon do you do you do that don't they Neptune's having a sleep today that'll work as a line won't it that'll get a laugh I think so yeah yeah yeah just as a little introduction can tell your past the uh you know like the honeymoon period because you because when you're a few months tell you're past the, you know, like the honeymoon period.

Because when you're a few months in, you're like, yeah, I've written a little short. When you're in like, what the world needs now. No one has that thought after the first two weeks, do they? After the first three or four months, like, you know what? Fucking blame me on the moon. Solid, solid banter. He says, however, sorry. solid solid banter he says however sorry over the years

it's funny and I think I've actually managed to assemble a fairly solid set which has given me confidence to consider an open mic

fair enough however I've talked my ideas through with a few different people and found out when I walked them

through it there's barely any reaction obviously I don't do it, there's barely any reaction. Obviously I don't do it as a routine, more just talk around the jokes. I really do think I've got some funny material, but the lack of reaction is making me doubt myself. Does this mean my material is shy or is it different when it's performed on stage? Any advice would be appreciated. Cheers, Sean. would be appreciated cheers sean um i i it's funny because that thing of like i think i've got a fairly solid set is always going to get a reaction from comics yeah because if you've never tried comedy and you've put like 20 ideas in your phone you've got 20 ideas and in all honesty what

what number out of them might work or stick when you're starting out if you've got one or two out of those 20 that lands you've had a result definitely because the because the return rate is going to be low the um but they're trying it with friends is i know what he's going through because it goes you go oh my god am i wrong well first of all you don't want to end up being that guy who's always trying bits on well first of all you don't want to end up being that guy who's always trying bits on his mates first you just don't want to be because people will get bored of it secondly one of the big reasons a lot of stand-up works is because the context of a man on stage trying to be funny and you've got the freedom to talk and explore ideas and people in the audience

know you're trying to be funny and they're in a crowd of people when you're just saying it to your mates sometimes i'll tell sam or carl or my dad or my brother or another one of my mates a bit that i've really enjoyed from another comedian that i think is hilarious and they look at you like you're speaking chinese if you say to me an idea that you've got yeah i won't go i go yeah yeah that'll work yeah that's good or then you'll see it on stage and you might laugh yeah but i won't go that was fantastic and also there are some bits that really that retell well in conversation that make great bit this is why stand-up is infuriating and mesmerizing and wonderful and difficult because

it's not there isn't one rule for like some bits you can go mate i've just thought of this and people go and it'll work really well on stage and other bits will get fucking nothing from your mates to be like i'm not sure what you're trying to say and will end up being your best bit of material also like on stage funny being funny as a stand-up comic takes such a high level of being funny. I remember talking about this with... I did... I was the guest co-host

on Jason Manford's Absolute Radio Show. This was about two, two and a half years ago now. Maybe even a bit longer. It's good, that. It's a really good... It's good fun. Yeah, yeah. And...

Manford's sound as well. When I turned up up he was like uh just so you know you don't have to be anywhere near starting up funny to be really funny on this he said just it's before i was a podcaster and sort of did this twice a week he was like us just having a conversation trying to make each other laugh will be more than enough to make everyone think you're brilliant and i saw loads of loads of Edinburgh Festival tickets off the back of that. On stage is a high level of funny. It takes a lot, and that's why there's a lot of people who do these short TikTok videos and Instagram reels

and Facebook videos where they're like, every type of girl in a nightclub, and they're all pretending to be like the girl who's always on her phone, the slaggy one, the one who drinks too much, the one who's trying to get everyone into a taxi and it'll get a million likes and a hundred million views and then that content announces a stand-up tour and they go on it and they do three shows and cancel the rest of the tour because being funny for 30 seconds to your phone screen is a completely different skill to holding the attention of a room for 20, 30, 45, 60 minutes.

It's just a totally different thing. And it's the most rewarding. It's the best way of being funny is on stage in front of a live audience. But it's the hardest to do. And it takes years and years and years. And this is why we've spoken about this, especially on the Alfie Brown episode recently. There's a lot of people who are getting tv breaks and like stand-up specials

on the bbc or a stand-up set on the bbc who will then go and sell tours or try and do these big clubs and they're on with comedians who've never been given a break but have worked on the comedy circuit for 2025 sharpening the tools who just destroy the place that like put it this way I'd rather follow any comic any comic who was on the last series of Moch the Week than I would rather follow

Mick Ferry at the Frog in Manchester do you know what I mean and Mick will never be on that show because telly has just gone nah not for us yeah Shanna's has done

seven minutes on TV and you would take so many of the names that have done Live at the Apollo in the last few years you would much rather

close over them than Steve Shanyaski who got on TV once in 2010 fuck following Steve Shanyaski after he's done the middle spot

mate Steve Shanyaski if he's in the mood like don't don't get me wrong some of those some of those bits are ten years old but they're

10 years old and still in the set because they are phony bits and he can sell his shit and he's just gone i want to be a weekend smasher joe what's funny about that we used to love that before we knew shaniasky seven minute clip yeah yeah we used to love on comedy rocks yeah with jason what's the bit we used to talk about it all the time. It's the moving in with your girlfriend. And you get like an inch of wardrobe space. Yeah, yeah. That's such a good seven minutes as well.

He's got some great bits. That's still on YouTube. So check that out. Steve Chaniasky, Comedy Rocks with Jason Manfred. It's a really good set. We need to get Sean as well. He's great. He's one of my old mates from stand-up.

Should we maybe try and get him next week? We haven't got a guest for set he's great he's one of my old mates from stand up should we maybe try and get him next week we haven't got a guest for next week he's really really sound and he has just honed his skills he's not done

I think he's done Edinburgh once but all he's like I pay the bills by fucking hoofing it on a weekend and then you gig with some guys

who have got more notoriety because TV's got quotas that need filling, who aren't much further on than the brand new acts, are they? Well, that festival of funny that was just on the BBC, there was a load of acts on that who've literally just done their first TV set,

stand up on essentially a taxpayer-funded service who I wouldn't book for a 10 minute open spot in Runcorn and good luck to them I'd take the opportunity if I was given it I'm sure but in terms of Sean and trying his material

the thing is as well, sorry to stand on you there but I just want to make something clear, I'm not slagging those acts off they're just new, I'm not saying they're shit but they're just new and it does it does them as much harm as it does anyone else i've got a couple of mates and i won't name them who got a couple of breaks early on and it looked like they were picked as the next big thing and it's like they won like one or two competitions like the the new act competitions and then everyone goes you're the new one you're gonna be dead good and it puts so much pressure on them and then everyone goes you're the new one you're going to be dead good

and it puts so much pressure on them and then they get put into clubs to do 20s and they're dying so then the clubs stop booking them and then because the clubs stop booking them they can't hone the stuff and they can't get an Edinburgh show together

then the TV people come and see them and because their confidence is low and they haven't been able to do well on weekends or in comedy clubs then they're in front of TV, people are going, he was meant to be the next big thing. And then they end up doing absolutely fuck all. And they've got, through the whole of that,

one of the biggest agents telling them what to do because it's all just academy stuff, isn't it? It's like the under 18s. I'm sure they've got agents who represent some of the biggest footballers and they're like, listen, we need need about 10 20 of these young lads knowing that fucking 18 of them will not be there at the professional level that's what the agents are doing with these new acts and I I'm sad for some of these new acts that get these first chances and you're like god you're not ready like my agents told me to do Edinburgh this year you year you're like not ready for it you need to get

20 sorted never mind an hour doing an hour edinburgh well takes a lot of time and experience to do it properly oh my god comics just like the industry needs to change a lot and a big thing that needs to change is that agents and managers and publicists need to just fucking chill out a bit and get like i love comedy i'm obsessed with it we've talked about it a million times and i love it when questions like this come up and it sparks one of these conversations we're so far behind the top of america apart from our our few big hitters mcintyre kevin bridges mickey flanagan i think you can put them in the world class bracket but we haven't got anywhere near as much but

this is such a comedy island there's more comedy per capita in the UK than anywhere else in the world and it's because we love it and we we're never going to reach those absolute peaks unless comics are going to be given the time to grow and

hone their skills before they're given big opportunities like i i see i talk to people now who i haven't seen for years who i like grew up with like do you remember um me mate growing up bernard yeah remember mark his uncle used to play footy with us i do yeah right so i bumped into he works in asda and i bumped into him and he was like how are you getting on he's like when are you going to be on these shows, lads, he said, because do you know what, I used to fucking love Mochtar Week, when it first started, I used to love the live, the Apollo and that, used to sit down every week, we'd make sure we either watched it or recorded it, and now it's fucking shite, they've got all these young kids on, who don't know what they're fucking doing,

that's the, that's the audience, that's the people who go and watch live comedy that's someone who loves comedy who's becoming disillusioned with tv comedy and it's because when live the apollo started it was jack d hosting it and he went here's lee mack to do 20 minutes here's michael mcintyre to do 20 minutes here's julian clary to do 20 minutes people who'd worked the circuit and worked as comics for years and now it's someone who did well on the last series live the the apollo hostin who is five six years into their career introducing someone who's two or three years into it who's just been signed by a big agent if you gave those comics another five years just push it back five years still give them the opportunities just let them get better it'll be better for them it'll be better comedy. And it'll bring more audience back to comedy.

This is back to the thing of like, HBO and Netflix is the reason that the American scene is so much further on than us. Because the pinnacle of American comedy was always an HBO special. And now it's become a Netflix special. And that's a subscription-based service, a cable TV station, where you could say anything,

and the producers of those, I mean, Netflix is essentially a channel now, isn't it? They literally encourage artists to push the boundaries. There's no one going, oh, God, you can't say that. Oh, God, you can't say that. And that's why America has ended up so much further ahead, because the top of their industry,

there are major companies going, everyone will watch this. And this is historically where all the best have come. And you can do longer and you have to be phenomenal and you can say anything. The content isn't like, we're not going to take a script and go, God, you can't talk about that.

You can't say these words. And then over here, we've got the BBC and the ITV, the BBC particularly, and then over here we've got the BBC and the ITV the BBC particularly which has been an incredible like uh patron of comedy over the years but it holds modern stand-up back because it goes you can't say this this this this this this this because we're we are a license fee supported channel so everyone's allowed to be like oh my god you said this about this minority and you said this word you can't say cunt you're like there should never be that sort of sanitizing of stand up because it holds it back 100 but it's it's all it's gonna be there when it's a essentially a

taxpayer-funded thing because essentially the viewers of the b are shareholders of it on paper. Do you know what I mean? So they've got every right to go, I'm funding this. I don't like it. When it comes to Netflix, although their subscription is funding it, it's a voluntary thing. Do you know what I mean? It's voluntary.

No, I know exactly what you mean. I'm just saying it holds us back, doesn't it? Yeah, 100%. You can't accidentally put Dave Chappelle's special on. You have to go to... He says it in one of his specials. If you're pissed off at what I'm saying, remember, you clicked on my face. But you can skip past the BBC and go,

oh, what's this on? And then hear something you don't want to hear. And that's the argument from the people who get upset by it. There needs to be, you know... Well, Netflix need to make some UK stand-up. But the only way they're going to do that is if our industry changes and we can compete. Because at the minute, the only UK comics

who get a Netflix special are the ones who have done great over here and then started doing bits in America, like Jack White or Jimmy Carr. They actually tend to be a lot of the acts who are assigned to Hannah Chambers' management. Well, it's an American service, isn't it? They know every American stand-up special they know has a chance to do well internationally but the american market

is more insular there's less american netflix users are going to be like who's this british guy there's there needs to be more of a reason so for netflix it's it's a just a numbers game isn't it like why are they going to pump in loads of money to UK stand-up when it'll sell well over here in terms of Netflix, but it might not do as well internationally and with their US market. However, it's still stifling to UK comedy. And this is why, God bless YouTube

and everyone watching here, because this is our chance to be free of that, to be like, the quality will rise. You can't, this is why I love our podcast, because people find it and go, this is really funny, it makes me laugh, and no producer, and no script editor has ever been involved, no agents have ever been like, do you know what would be great?

They've tried. Adam and Dan would be so good together, and we think it should be about this, and we don't think they should talk about anything yeah us talking about wanking on the train wasn't our best bit of this episode that would have been that would have been script edited way before and you know what else have been script edited the fucking slow pussy wall it would have all been taken out if if uk producers who have got the tv mentality would take the what have we done an hour so far in this episode and edited out what they think is suitable that would have been an eight minute first half to this

podcast and they can fuck off because I think that is dying we are going to get you involved with all these advertisers and then they can decide that they don't want to advertise on you anymore because you said dick whilst doing a Samoan accent and your uncle and your uncle who is bored of that wants the the dick with the Samoan accent because it's because it's more interesting and and you can be an adult and go yeah I don't like it I think it's just crass and I don't like it that's fine good that's allowed you can go and find something that you like that's a bit more tempered? We've never once said we're trying to make something that everyone likes.

We're trying to make something that people aren't getting anywhere else. And that makes us laugh. That's all we're doing in it. So bring on YouTube and bring on like smart TVs and let people choose what they want to watch. And just stop like, it feels like an attack on the BBC, but it does feel like it holds UK comedy back that someone's going, no, naughty word.

Who's offended by words? Like sentences and context, I can see how that's offensive. But just being like, I don't like the word cunt. Cunts are naughty, really naughty words. It's just a noise. It's one of the worst words. How can you listen to a story where the Tory government's like, nah, we're not going to feed poor kids.

Nah. Nah, we're not going to give them school meals out of school terms. Like, yeah, that's fine. I'll listen to that all day. Twat. Oh, my God. You said the war against terror. You said that word.

Like, fucking grow up. up good god what's his name ryan so sean sean uh so there you go sean so i think that answers your question sean fuck the bbc fuck the bbc let me just let me just say i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure what sean meant was why is the b the BBC holding back UK comedy? I mean, I know he asked about his own career, but I think the bigger picture of what he was like hinting at. Here's the thing, Sean, you're never going to know what's going to work on stage until you do it on stage.

So when you get the opportunity, when open mic starts again, do it on stage. Get on stage as often as you can. Work as hard as you can for as long as you can. Keep getting better and better and better at stand-up. That's the only way you can do it. Try and make your friends laugh with your stand-up ideas.

Sat around the dinner table or stood having a pint. It's just not a good way of doing it. They're going to end up thinking you're a twat. Get on stage. Keep getting on stage until you're good enough that someone gives you some money for it. It's the only way to be good at stand-up. It's the only way to get better.

It's the only way to know if any of your ideas are actually stand-up funny. There's no shortcut. There's nothing else you can do. Apart from being non-binary. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that will help a little. Yeah. A non-binary black dwarf. Dwarf?

I don't know. You were trying really hard! That's the old one, isn't it? A non-binary black dwarf who is in the triads. You do rate me though, yeah? Lads. I'm not just like filling a quota. Oh, Sean.

Good luck to you. Good luck to you. Good luck to you. You got any other questions? I'd love to be, I'd love to do it all again. I wouldn't, but it was exciting. Yeah.

Just so exciting. Enjoy it while you can. So, it's like, the first gig is like, is like the first bonk without a condom. It's all,

yeah. Just like rubbing your fucking face right along a big pussy wall for 20 minutes get your face face in the pussy wall she a big lady

she a big lady do you reckon there's a vagina in the world that could take my head no you've got a big head there aren't many hats you've got a big head there aren't many hats

have you got a big you have got quite a large head it looks weighty yeah like you've lost weight but not in the head no it's big innit I end up looking like a brat stall

when I lose weight do you know what I mean because it's still sort of like do you know what I mean like a brat stall when i lose weight do you know what i mean because it's sort of like like a fucking pot vinyl there are some heads that i reckon could get up there with the right lady in the right edge oh it's just my holiday ruined or yours no i've got quite a lot and that sam keeps mentioning to me like we're at the points in the relationship you're gonna need more than a chocolate bar halfway through that, aren't you? Full head up there.

It's going to be a roast dinner at half time. No, I don't mean that. But, like, we're at the point. You know, you said we're past the honeymoon period before. We're at the point in the relationship. Where she wants your head in a fudge. No, where she just keeps, like, she'll be looking at me for, like, 30 seconds silently. Yeah. And then she'll go.

And she'll just say something horrible, but she's not trying to be horrible. She'll just be like, you've got a really fucking flat bit on your head, haven't you? Like just here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh.

Yeah, it's really flat there. And then she'll go back to watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. She's sowing the seeds, lad. And then. What for? For them to get a new head. A job.

And then she'll just be looking like and she'll be like you get really dry skin don't you you need to start moisturising so I've started I've started using

a skin care thing oh god the amount of times she mentions me eye but she does it in this way where she's like I love your eye I really like it

oh I knew it was going to be I love your eye no I really love your eye where's the red flag I really love your eye I do the way it just fucks off It just fucks off doesn't it?

Like you'll just close your eyes And your eye just fucks I love it But your eye just fucks off Yeah Are you alright? Just fucks off Adam I'm worried about you

She says me fingers fuck off as well She thinks it's weird That me fingers sort of bend up I mean it is Wow that's mad Oh my god My thumbs can do that What have they found? What have they found? Water What but you wow that's mad oh my god my thumbs can do that what have they found

water what the fuck that's mad I've never can you not do that like a magician yeah you always do it too no

they do not look at that no let's just bend them up it's actually fold yeah and me toes fuck off as well

me toes are like a fucking like if I put both my feet together there, they go like that. It's fine. I think it's... She said to me the other day. I think it's fine until she starts putting pamphlets for, like, you know, plastic surgery in front of you,

and then I think you need to call one of us. Well, she said to me the other day, everything about you just fucks off, doesn't it? Your eye fucks off, your fingers fuck off, your toes fuck off. Did she really, though? She needs to fuck off, doesn't she? Oh, Carl!

Getting defensive, yes! No one Oh, Carl. Getting defensive. Come on, Carl. Yes. No one talks to my man like that. Sexy. And so Sam's insecure about her nose. She thinks she's got a bad nose. Give it her back.

And I like her nose. But I said to her, if you keep going like this, I'm going to start making nose jokes. Yeah. She was like, don't because it would really upset me. Do you want me to cry? Right. You can be like, love,

I love your nose. I love it. But it's proper fucked, isn't it? She really, she really says stuff like that. In a jokey way. In a jokey way. like it so i like it

yeah laura's taking a different stance where she's really too supportive she's like oh no you look great love oh and this was the big thing the other day i'm very very aware that i'm punching sam is more beautiful than i am well you're aware of it because she's telling you. But she literally told me. What? I was like, she said something and I went, do you think you're the more attractive one? And she went, yeah.

And I went, what? Yeah. And she went, yeah. She went, I love you. I find you dead sexy. I think you're really handsome. Like, I love everything. I wouldn't change anything about you. But yeah.

Apart from this list of things. That's the right way around, though, isn't it? Yeah. It never happens. I wouldn't change anything about you. But yeah. Apart from this list of things. That's the right way around though, isn't it? Yeah. It never happens. I'm writing a stand up bit about this. You do not want that to go around. It never happens the other way around.

You don't want it to go around either. No. You don't want to be the really attractive man with a bridge dwelling pit truck. I don't think that either. Oh, you're the best. It doesn't happen.

You need to have some confidence. And I don't really know why. And I want me stand up to investigate it. I don't know why.. Oh, you're the best. It doesn't happen. You need to have some confidence. And I don't really know why. And I want me to stand up to investigate it. I don't know why. But attractive women end up with men who are, you know, just a little bit lower. Yeah. But you are also a straight man.

So you do find women more attractive. It's not like you're walking around going, oh my God, these guys are gorgeous. No. I think women are a bit more attractive than men. No, no, no. But I think objectively I can look and go, I think- Women are a bit more attractive than men. No, no, no. But I think objectively, I can look and go, I've never seen a man.

Are you all right? What's going on? I'm just, I'm proving it. So Charlie Adam and his wife there. Yeah, but he's also a footballer. Do you know what I mean? So what I'm saying is, you can look at someone, you can look at a couple

and even as a straight man you can be like he could do better than that right do you know what i mean or she could do better than just attractive wise obviously personality matters and blah blah blah blah but just from a purely superficial looks basis yeah you can look at a couple and go he could get a more attractive girl and that she could get a more attractive man that you can look at a couple and go he could get a more attractive girl than that she could get a more attractive man you can do that by looking at a couple objectively and it never it's a bit of a cunty game but I know what you mean but you very very

very rarely see an attractive man with a troll but you do see attractive women with man trolls it feels like there's something wrong with the whole fuck. It feels like the balance of the cosmos is off when you're like, what the fuck is that objectively beautiful man doing with that fucking four?

But it doesn't happen. It's a common phrase, isn't it? That better be his fucking sister. That common phrase? That common phrase? That common phrase? Sick of saying it. That common phrase That common phrase

That common phrase Sick of saying it I can't remember the last day When I did not of that Four, five, six times Really? I say that, will you? That common phrase

That common phrase Well you shut up saying that You're never not saying that, are you? Do you know that common phrase yeah there is i think equal attractiveness i don't mind there's like a margin of error in there i used to have a bit about this there's something very off-putting about having a beautiful person be with someone who you do not deem within the margin of error like a three and it doesn't matter if it's girl guy like it draws

notice doesn't it when you've got two like all right morning i am brian i love you you're like good for them yeah they've found each other right at the bottom of the gene pool they've found love and then when you see two stunning people you're like there you go that's better for the human race take us forward make us more. But when you've got Brian with fucking like a supermodel, you're like, I need to know what the fuck's gone on here.

Has he won the Euro millions? Is she blind? I need to know why this happened. Yes. Every time I post a picture of me and Sam. Yeah. A common phrase. There you go.

There's your answer. Should we do merch with that on? Everyone's already heard it. that better be his fucking sister but i get like a little message from like one of our listeners going punching lads punching aren't you i'm like yeah i am i need to be demanded all the time yeah and it and that's also socially acceptable to say that like no girl does that girl banter to another girl no hiya hiya Laura just wanted to get you

the ends you're punching that's not gonna go down well in it no yeah so date within your

attractive margin of overpiece guys yeah so yeah that better be his fucking sister that's gonna be on

hoodies and t-shirts at haveaway.com as of next week why that well known common phrase you have said it though no oh I've said it loads That better be his fucking sister. That's going to be on hoodies and t-shirts at haveawaypod.com as of next week. Why? That well-known common phrase. You have said it, though. No, I've said it loads.

So much that I don't know what it is. Are you my sister? What? Sister, sister, talk about a two-way twister. Is that it? You've never said that phrase. He better be his fucking sister. Like, if it's a really attractive lady.

Better be! And a not attractive man. Oh, it must be his must be his fucking sister that must be his sister yeah i said i said i will be me oh i'm sick of hearing it from you i need a panini so you say that sean you materialize open with that bit i've you know uh just going off my phone I've got an hour and a half here I've got my first HBO special in my phone pretty solid

and I'm closing with you know what it's like when you see someone and you're like that's his fucking sister and it is because you went to school with him he can't close with that

goodnight he can't close with hack lines everyone says that oh I know it's boring that's what we can put on that oh yeah I don't come to where

you were I can knock your sister out your mouth where did you learn to whisper inside your sister give me sister press the button

let's have a break it's been such a lot of fun what's happening guys have you lot entered a game on finalrunner.com yet yes brilliant no well I need every single one of you

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it's an absolute laugh. Bye Felicia We're back Welcome back. Jamie where did Queen record Bohemian Rhapsody I mean we haven't even said a word before we started recording but I just thought we'd open straight away by going where did Queen record Bohemian

Rhapsody. Well that's another story for later on in the pods, isn't it? Oh, right. Build up to that. So you got very excited because, Jamie, you're about to play where? What's it called? I'm going to go and record my second album in Rockfield. Oh, wow. Okay.

So that's like Rockfield for people who aren't like musos, like me and Finn over there. Like most musicians who are in bands here, the word Rockfield Studios and cum in their pants and yeah that's what you did didn't you

literally I think I can see a bit of stickiness nah it's basically where like I think Black Sabbath were the first bands

it's the oldest basically residential recording studio in the world it was the first ever one used to be a farm used to be a farm these two mad brothers inherited the parents farm and we're like we don't want to be fucking farmers we love music so then he converted one of the old barns into his studio

bought loads of gear got shit hot at recording and then i assume the parents died because the parents can't just go and move away for a couple of months and come back and find all the things gone. Find all the things that was born in your house. Freddie Mercury's in there. No, basically, I don't know. I think the parents basically stayed. Just pull that mic over closer to you. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I think the parents basically stayed to help out on, like, you know, just around the farm.

It still is a functional farm. Oh, right, okay. Is it really? Yeah, really, yeah. But majority, it's known for the studios. So they had bands there, like Ozzy Osbourne and that were the first band, Motored, and that years ago, coming to stay there. So you live there and just record and play music all day and night.

Do you know what I mean? So what's the thinking? Get you out of your home environment, get you away from city distractions. There's fuck all else to do in rural Wales. Yeah. So you've got to get the album done yeah well the album's written, demoed it's just more like finding a nice place to record it and get in the right zone and like I said Oasis recorded it

watched the story there Coldplay bit yellowed it by just walking out looking up at the stars and the first line of the song is look at the stars and that's how we fucking went into it. You know what I mean?

It's amazing. Like, you need to watch the documentary. It's been took off iPlayer, so I don't know how you will. But it's called Rockfield Studio on the Farm. And it's fucking, I'm getting excited now talking about it because it's like,

for musicians it is. I love it when like, passion and shit radiates off someone like that. You know? There's not like, obviously we're like that with comedy but there's nothing like that with comedy is there

there's no like no you can't go tell you what this tour's gonna be brilliant we're gonna end it in a farm in Wales fucking massive yeah

that's not my dream I think I kind of want to record the first stand up special at a a farm in Wales a farm yeah but not this one

because it'll be expensive. Just some random farm near fucking Abergavenny. Just to give you the thingy, I was in like a date quarrel, shall we call it, but not personally, through management

with Florence and the Machine, because we both had the same dates for the studio. Yeah. But thankfully, because she's so big and famous and rich, like fair play to her, she's amazing.

By the way I'm not having a dig of Florence I love her but she booked like five or six massive studios around the country

probably around the world for the same date and then like decides near the time which one she wants to go to so thankfully she did not

for Rockfield and I've managed to get in there she's fucked off somewhere else yeah she's fucked off thank god who do you take

who's your crew like because you're a fucking one-man show. Like, when you, like, these bands all go and, like, just fill the farm. Yeah. Is it just you turning up with your travel bag? I play with the band now when it comes to my own stuff. So, like, I've got, I'm going down there.

Obviously, you work with the producer. So he's, like, basically tells you how to make your songs good. Do you know what I mean? Like, so he's like, yeah, that's okay, but it'd be better if you'd have done songs good do you know what I mean like so he's like yeah that's okay but it'd be better if you'd done this do you know what I mean

and like they know all about sound and everything else so you work with the producer you like basically they interview you and you interview them

like you meet them but now it's all being done on Zoom is it true because I heard a while back that like in the music industry now because obviously

there's not as much money in selling music anymore because everything's streamed and Spotify and YouTube and shit like that and I heard that producers are making more money than the artists

a lot of the time. See, that, if you're a good producer and no, probably even at mediocre level you are, yeah,

because, right, for example, there might be, I know Par Street is probably 350 quid just for the room

hire just for the day and then the producers normally comes on top of that and like if you want to go

with one of the best producers in the city you're looking at James Skelly the singer from The Coral Rich Turvey

who I've done parts of my album with, he's worked with tunes with The Cortinas, Carl Barat, out of Libertines and shit like that, he's a top producer, then anyone basically out of Pastry, you're looking at a bar of Grand on top of that,

just for a day, or a pair of tracks, sometimes it's a pair of tracks, but they like to get them knocked out in the best part of the day, and then they'll mix for another day, so when you think about it like some of these bands

are paying that just to have the tunes sounding like they'll gig and gig and gig save up all the money for a single do you know what I mean and then they'll spend

that money and don't be wrong the producer's answer's money because he's saying like I'm telling you the song that they went in with is not the one they come out with

or it doesn't sound anything near as good do you know what I mean it's like a pimp my ride for your fucking single yeah so for me I've got a guitar before I had my band

I'd go in with the producer and like look this is how I play the guitar to him this is how I sing it and he'd say yeah well what about drums what do you want for drums

and I'm like well I taught this and he's like yeah maybe but you know what about this and then you work you work between yous but he's the one who puts the drums onto your songs because I don't play drums do you know what i mean unless

i've got a drummer in the band with me but this is what producers do they'll put the drums on you put piano on you put bass on you put synths on you'll put harp on if you do whatever you want on it they'll do it through a computer or through an instrument you know what i mean so but some of these bands they're not making like like i say some of your streams it's like 0.006 pence a play maybe even less do you know what i mean so like you need so to get six grand you need a million streams effectively but between four and six grand yeah you need a million streams sorry jane watch that mic yeah sorry so most like most bands like you are coming up and you know to break a million streams

it's quite it's quite an achievement for an indie band on an indie label or on a non-indie label if you're just representing yourself

so you think about it like most bands like there's bands who've like good bands in the city in Liverpool

who've had tunes out for some of them the best part is five to ten years maybe even longer and they're having it a million streams

do you know what I mean and that's not that's not down to them being a bad band or the song being bad it's down to they're not at a label to get market

and basically people actually getting off their arse and taking the time to listen to a new song do you know what I mean because it's an unaired band

like people are like well no I want to listen to what Noel Gallagher's brought out you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Because it's an unaid band. Like, people are like, well, no, I want to listen to what Noel Gallagher's brought out, you know what I mean? Which is fair enough, because that's the day the channel's day four's down. But yeah, producers, unless you're doing it at a decent level, producers will earn more money than bands.

Do you work with the same one again and again, or do you find one, or do you just do a different one for each album I've worked with about four or five different producers now

and er I don't know maybe three or four and they all they all have their own ways of working

and they all have you know their own ways of getting getting the outputs from you but er

I've never had a bad word to say about any of the producers that i've worked with to be honest it's really funny because like listening to you talk about music and like the certainly the the getting money from sort of putting your content out there's so many parallels with comedy isn't there i can only imagine and podcasting like you're talking about like it's hard to get someone to listen to your song when no gallagher's just put a new album out and it's the exact same with this or like the podcast or with stand-up like i put a special out yeah i'm made up and it's 100 000 views but you know someone who's done countless telecom puts on out and it'll do that in 20 minutes podcast wise we've spent a year building this up to the point we've got a studio but we're still behind katherine

ryan in the chart who's done two episodes but just before you come in in the face after these episodes we were talking about producers in comedy and we've got plenty of bad words to say about them because you're talking about producers like the guy producing uh partially studios there you mentioned like the lead singer of the coddle like kevin bridges isn't producing comedy, is he? Do you know what I mean? I'm batting Manfred away. He's like, listen, Dan, I want to direct your next Edinburgh show. I'm like, Jason, just do your own thing, man. Give me some space. It's hard to give up.

In stand-up with directors, you've, you've, did you, for 2018, you had someone, I've never had a director, but I, stand-up is such a, this is my shit, I'm doing it. I imagine it's hard to give up control like it must be for music producers to go this is my song you can have some sort of artistic control over it this is my stand-up what do you think i should do is it i'd find that difficult i worked with a tv producer called gina lions and i love gina we get on dead well and she's you know she's worked in london for years but she's a northern girl I think she's from Wakefield originally and she's dead

sound and she come and see me in Edinburgh because she's like this sort of champion of working class talent she's whereas like in in the comedy industry there's a big push for all sorts of diversity on TV like we need more women on we need more people of color on we need more people who you know suffer from a disability to make everyone... But, like, she's in the TV industry going, we need more working-class people on the telly. I'm sick of putting, you know, this panel show on, and yet there's one black guy, one woman, one disabled person,

but they've all been to the same school. They've all just come out of Oxford and Cambridge. Why is there no working-class people? That's what Gina really fights for. That's the, you know, the fight she's picked. So she come and see me a few times and was like i want to get behind you i want to direct your edinburgh show and i said to her look i'm a control freak and if you tell me you're doing this i'll i'll tell you to fuck off i can't work like that so what i was classic working class trait

that she's used to by the way i don't trust you i don't know you who the fuck are you amazing so what i was doing was before i went to the edinburgh festival obviously you do previews you go and do an hour in front of 30 people in fucking sheffield and just run your jokes out and try and tighten them up and i had to audio record every single preview and i would send it to her and she'd go yeah yeah it's all great this i'd swap that bit with that bit i think you need to really talk about this bit more she was just sort of like putting a bit of i can make the thought yeah i can make an hour funny i can be funny funny funny she was going but why are we saying that

what's the point in saying that what wouldn't that be better there doesn't that point structure not content exactly just like sort of what what are you trying to source when when people are coming out of your show what do you want them to be thinking and feeling apart from being they're funny which you've got covered how can we make the show actually make sense as an hour rather than it being 12 five minute bits how can we also make it an hour long piece of trust there yeah yeah she was she like she had sort of a a significant but small input like the show

wouldn't have been anywhere near as good without her but every joke would still have been in it do you know what I mean have you ever got to the point

with a producer where they've gone Jamie we think you should do this and you're like what the fuck are you on about yeah I mean at first

well like you probably agree with me this is probably where the industries are parallel as well. I'd imagine your jokes, much like your songs, or a gag or whatever, however long it is, it's like your child. You know what I mean?

You've been there from the start, you've threw that many pieces of paper away, you've been frustrated with yourself through the birth of this song, and you get the song and you're happy with it. You go and play it to someone and they go yeah that that changed that and you're like who the fuck like a defensive mom that's exactly in my head that's exactly what i've been like every time that it's happened but like what you need like and this is probably to any young musicians who

are out there listening always give it a go because they're there to help you at the end of the day like that's the up and down they're working for you

for you yeah exactly you're not working for them no it's your your name's going on it like they might be in the credits but it's going to be

Jamie Webster that like you're going to be judged on it more than that yeah I don't even know how many people know how to find the credits

on Spotify do you know what I mean like no one even thinks that much into it do they listen to the first 30 seconds if they like it they listen to than yeah i don't even know how many people know how to find the credits on spotify do you know what i mean like no one even thinks that much into it dude he listens to the first 30 seconds if they like it they listen to it if they don't they don't but uh they're not stopping the song to go yeah i really like i wonder if he writes all of this himself do you know what i mean it's it's one of the problems i have with doing telly stuff like the stand-up sketch show which i love doing it you know we've plugged it a few times in this one, I've been on it, it's on ITV2,

and the guys who produce it at Spirit Media, some of the best people to work with in TV comedy, they really, really give a shit, and they really, really, really want to make a good show. But because it's telly, and they're trying to go, they've got like a half-hour show, and they've got to get four comedians into that half-hour, so someone's getting eight minutes, someone's getting six,

someone's getting whatever, but they've got to cram it, because they've got a get four comedians into that half hour. So someone's getting eight minutes, someone's getting six, someone's getting whatever, but they've got to cram it because they've got a half hour window. It's not unlimited. Whereas on stage I can go, well, I'll just talk about this bit for longer. But what they have to do is they cut bits out, and they're not comedians. So they go, oh, well, they don't need that line

because that line's not funny, but we'll leave the funny one in. Because they're not comics, they don't understand that that punchline, is not as funny, without that context, and like, the, the Russian neighbor one,

that I did a few years ago, on the stand up sketch show, there's a line that was cut out, of the editor that, which makes, a later punchline, it's sort of the reason, it gets the,

the big laugh that it gets, and on the most recent season, I, with a lot of my stuff, there's always a tagline after the punchline which is often funnier than the main punchline itself and they cut that off because they're trying to get it into the end of the show and you're like yeah the bit's still good it still makes sense but like you've sort of just decided that that joke didn't need

that line and that's not really your joke to do. But when you're giving it to a TV show, I suppose you're signing over and going, do what you want with me, baby. But it's still out there representing me, isn't it? That's sort of in the small print, that shit, isn't it? But with the producer, I suppose, they're a bit like, it's just, look, if you want to do it, I'm just here to give you my opinion.

And then you look at the producer and you go, well, hang on, how many number ones has he had? How many number ones have I had? Do you know what I mean? And you're like ones has he had how many number ones have i had do you know what i mean and you're like you know what i mean just listen to him you know what i mean and if you don't like it you say to him nah fuck that go back to how i want it and to be honest it is exactly what you said about that lady there who helped you out with your shows um it's stuck yet that's the only thing that they really changed you don't say change that lyric or change all them chords to this

they might suggest that you change they never go Jamie have you thought about doing this as a reggae song no it's never like that let's do it in

3-2 instead of 4-4 like shit I don't know what it means so it makes no sense saying that to me so all they say is maybe start with the chorus or maybe

before that chorus we drop here and build back into it you know what I mean just like just shit like that So all he say is maybe start with the chorus or maybe before that chorus, we drop here and build back into it. You know what I mean? Just like, just shit like that. Just a second pair of eyes. Yeah, it literally is an outside of the box view because with your jokes, as you're writing them, no one listens to it as you're writing them, dude.

They listen to it when it's finished. Same with the song. So the only person who's heard that song other than him is me. You know what I mean? So like, that's, that, that. And is me. You know what I mean? So, like, that's... And it's hard to judge your own work before, like, your neighbour's a shit-hacker. We had a lad email in asking,

because he's trying to start stand-up, and he was talking about doing his ideas for stand-up to his mates. When you're coming up with a song, do you have anyone that you're like, just want to check that this is as good as I think it is, or do you just keep it all to yourself till you get to the studio? Yeah, so my process is I write the songs myself, just with the guitar. Sometimes I'll put a little bit down on my mic, you know what I mean,

with a bit of production on it. I might make a little drum beat in the background to it, or whatever, a bit of keys on it, just to get a bit of a feel for how I want the song to go for when I'm writing lyrics or whatever. But the majority of the time, I literally sit there and write six or seven songs and book a week in, like, a practice slash rehearsal slash recording studio.

It's just like a room that we basically kitted out with loads of recording grip and that. It's actually the chorals room that they kitted out with loads of recording and i get to use it because i've got a mutual friend but so i'll do that i'll get my musicians into the room they've never heard the songs before i literally play the songs to them and then they'll go right okay well what are your ideas for drums what are your ideas for bass so i'll say look drums i was thinking this obviously i'm not a drummer so you go with it but and then as they do it I'll say nah

maybe a bit too strong there and we'll literally build that feels like new material doesn't it yeah I got a little bit like oh that must be like seven songs

and these musicians like what are these going to be like yeah that's it but by the by the like I say even with the demos when I'm producing it myself

with the songs that I go in with are completely different to them. Obviously, once the drums, bass, guitars, keys and all that have been put on them, it gives it a different concept then. So as long as I'm happy with the lyrics and the story that I'm trying to tell, I'll always take it to the band. But no one, like none of my mates, none of my parents,

my bed will probably hear me writing them because we live in the same house. So she'll hear me strangling my voice to death and go, no, no, it's too high in that key, I'll bring it down. Mae'r rhai sydd ddim yn fy mab, yn fy mab, byddent yn clywed fy mod yn ysgrifennu nhw oherwydd rydyn ni'n byw yn yr un ystafell. Felly mae hi'n clywed fy mod yn ysgrifennu fy môr i ddod i ddod. Nid, nid, mae'n ddwy oed yn y côr, byddaf yn ei gadael. Felly mae hi'n clywed hynny oherwydd mae'n debyg nad ydyn nhw'n gallu'i ddod o'r cyfnod y mae'n dod i'r ysgrifennu. Ond maen nhw'n clywed hynny unwaith, rwyf wedi'u demod. Ac yna mae'n amser sgwiki bwm i mi oherwydd rwy'n eu hannu i fy mab.

Ac am 4 awr yn ôl rwy'n meddwl, mae rhywun wedi dod yn ôl i mi oherwydd rwy'n ymlaen i'w anfon i fy nghymaint ac yna ddwy awr yn ôl rwy'n ymlaen dwi'n gwybod mae'n ymwneud â fy nghymaint a dyna'r broses i mi a yna yn amlwg bydd y label record yn cael ei ddemos ac yna bydd yn dweud fel yna fel yna yna ddim eich gorau ond rydych chi'n gwybod rydych chi'n gallu adeiladu ar hynny gy can build on that with the producer X, Y and Z. And then, so that's all the pre-stage. And then now it gets to this point where at the end of the month, I'm pitching off to Wales with loads of gear, music gear. As well.

Is there anyone to, like, make sure you don't just go to the farm and get shit-faced? Are you disciplined enough I've got managers like two managers really one that works closely with me they both work

closely with me but one's more of a he's also the CEO of the label do you know what I mean so the sort of day to day manager

of mine the pair of them are great but they trust me do you know what I mean I'm 27 this month I'm not a young 18 year old kid like give me all the Charlie do you know what i'm i'm 27 this month i'm not a young 18 year old kid like give me all the charlie do you know what i mean it's like you know like life

changed a little bit now so i'm not i know that this is my career now i'm older i love how you mentioned that as an 18 year old kid though that's still you at 40 as soon as you as soon as you said give me all the chance I was like mate if you got me anywhere near a farm in Wales I'd be like right I'm taking

all the gear damn we've got to do some comedy fuck that look at the stars you're in the living room what so yeah

that's me I'll be going down there and like obviously like I was saying it's my career so I'm not soft about it you know what I mean I'm not like

I know that I get out of it what I put into it yeah essentially so you've got to work haven't you you know what I mean

there'll be a blowout here and there don't get me wrong but the first album was an absolute stratospheric hit though wasn't it

like I still don't know how to take compliments about my first album so a an absolute stratospheric hit though wasn't it like i still don't know how to take compliments about my first album so that's why i'm laughing i'm probably blushing a little bit now but no if you say so thank you very very much i i like we we have it on in the car all the time and he's a bad bit of blue and he even he likes it so me and me and carl have got mutual friends who are bad bits of blues as well. So I've been lucky enough today to deal with the shit off the blues all my life. Last time, I remember years ago, I went to the Moors house

and we were in the living room watching the 40 or something and you were just playing the piano in the back. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking... Yeah, probably stoned out of my head playing the piano just for hours and hours. I still do that in my own house now. That's how I pass time

play the piano play the guitar like all my mates are like Cod get on Cod get on Warzone and I'm like

no no I've got like I've got musical instruments that they'll do me more than any fucking game console do you know what I mean

so what are the Everton fans like with you in general when it comes to Liverpool not very nice but when like as I expect you know what I mean I'm not very nice to Everton fans when it comes to Everton fans like with you in general? When it comes to Liverpool, not very nice. But when,

like, as I expect, you know what I mean? I'm not very nice to Everton fans when it comes to Everton and Liverpool. I've got no qualms about that. I respect them for being themselves.

Do you know what I mean? Sorry, just for a little bit of context, because obviously there's quite a lot of listeners that aren't from Liverpool. Yeah, we went straight into farm chat

really quick. Yeah, we did. So, huge musician from Liverpool but doing a lot of your own stuff with your second album and that coming like I say

I love your first album but a big catalyst to sort of firing you up the ladder a bit was the Liverpool stuff with Boss Night and that

yeah the platform that I'm on now was built through me singing Liverpool songs before and after Liverpool games and covers and stuff like that and obviously the club taking

me here and there and everywhere it was a big Liverpool game you'd probably see some knobhead with a guitar singing Liverpool songs, shouting Liverpool songs to loads of people and that knobhead is me, for anyone who isn't a Liverpool fan but does have Twitter Do you know what's mad about that?

As he said i'm a massive bit of blue so the first time the first video to the lalala the first one yeah i remember watching that on repeat and i fucking ate lip pearl and i'm watching it going wow that's fucking is that when the the boss night down at the baltic yeah i'm watching it going fucking hell that's unbelievable but that was the catalyst for the club taking you on board you working at the ground on match days I've seen you because I

I often go for a pint at Hotel Tia before a match and you sing there and you've been in the Nike advert for Liverpool Football Club fucking hell

and you've got a game at left back Jesus Christ literally I've that's the only thing short I've had a pint in a bifter at Aginclop in New York and everything short I've had a pint

and a biff with Agan Klopp in New York and everything like I've done the whole lot what honest to god

you ever seen that video when he walks in the booze or no that wasn't even that trip that was the time before that was in Michigan oh was it yeah that was like a

camera stunt like Agan Klopp surprises young local musician who Liverpool took on which was amazing it was fucking lovely of him to do he'd come in

give me a hug and he's never thought to get a hug off him ever Jamie's literally playing in a bar in is it Michigan Michigan yeah and Jurgen Klopp

just walks in as he's like hello lads there's gotta be moments in your life you know like so I sometimes think about this like what would

like the 15 16 year old me make of where I've got to now but when you're in michigan playing a a live gig and then jürgen klopp comes in and goes all right lad gives you a hug 15 16 year old you'd be like pretty pretty good work mate 24 year old me at the time yeah yeah good work lads yeah but uh no the year after basically like i've met him a couple of times since then and like he's always... He's just a nice fella.

Do you know what I mean? He really is. He's always like... When you know someone likes you... Yeah, yeah. It's like... I'm not being big-headed, but when you know someone likes you and they just genuinely like you as a person

and what you stand for and what you do, I get that vibe with him because every time he sees me, he stops and goes... He just puts swans, he puts at me. I've played corporate dudes for like you know all sorts of high sponsors and he was the guest speaker and he walked through the room right all these people who like basically giving money to my players and he's walking through all the room like and he stops at my table and goes what the fuck are you doing here and I'm like

alright lads what's happening and all the way through his Q&A with Colin Murray he keeps like bringing me into the hey Jamie

what's up yeah man doing me it's Sam but eh you get into the point where you're like you can just

do your fucking bit you're working lads we'll have a pint and a bit in New York let's just get on with the job so yeah we went to New York and like

he basically phoned told one of the camera lads to phone me and get me down there because he wanted to drink with me and we just like

didn't believe the camera lad at first and then like I heard him in the background saying Jamie fucking get down here now and all that and I was like

better go you know what I mean? Walked in, and he was there with like Peplit, and there's a few of the backroom staff, and like, he's met me with a bevy, like he applauded me as I walked into the pub. I was like, stop this shit now, stop it now. You know what I mean?

I mean, just won us the European Cup. He's like, you know what I mean? It's the best Liverpool team I think I've ever seen with my own eyes. Don't fucking dare ever applaud me ever again you've got this the whole wrong way round here do you know what I mean but he was just a great fella he was talking to me

about he'd seen the footage from Madrid asking me what it was like asking me did I cry couldn't write to him he told me he cried when he watched it it was just an amazing little moment with him but yeah now he's a good fella, Jürgen. And no matter what happens on the pitch,

which isn't as bad as everyone says at the minute, which I'm not going to go too into because otherwise I'd be here till seven o'clock tonight. But no matter what happens on the pitch, I'll always remember what he's done for me in my career. Because him putting his arm down, me in that gig, I was on private on Instagram then, and I had less than 1,000 followers when that happened.

I woke up in Michigan the next morning with, like, it was, like, 1,000-plus requests, and I foolishly tried to go and accept them all and vet them. I don't want no fucking weirdos. And I've done, like, I've sat there for like 25 minutes and I must have done like a good thousand and then like refreshing there was still like thousands of requests and I was like right

fuck it public and that was that but that was the start of it like you know what I mean like the big social media presence like everything it was like LA was but what followed and like that video we i mean like the big social media presence like everything it was like well la la la was but what followed and like that video we clubbed the interaction that got yeah like it was just and he didn't have to do it do you know what i mean he really didn't have to he was like

he wanted apparently he wanted to he wanted to know who's that lads when we get off the plane picking up the guitar every time you know what i mean because the players are picking up the cases and i'm like stood up the conveyor belt and these two guitars come off i'm like yeah that's me lads you know what i mean like and the players were a bit like who the fuck's this guy so he's seen it for himself and he was just boss yeah he's just a top fella do you think this is one of the questions that uh our patrons sent in. Do you think that, although it's been a massive boost to your career, being so closely aligned with Liverpool Football Club,

I know you've had a couple of issues with people turning up at your tour shows demanding Liverpool songs. Oh, yeah. But not only that, do you think it's made it a little bit hard to reach the fans of other clubs? Do you think there's Everton and United fans and City fans

who would love your music who just can't get past the fact that you're a massive Liverpool lad 100% like I'm not going to lie about it you know what I mean

but I'm not bitter about it either do you know what I mean because like look I'm a football fan and speaking on behalf of me and people like me we're the most fickle

people in the world do you know what I mean like it I'm not going to stand here and lie and say that like you know if there was a lad who'd been singing 20 times 20 times man united for the last five years if you released a single i wouldn't be jumping to to to pre-save it you know what i mean i'm being honest so like i understand i do it has been a hard crossover but like obviously i think my tunes are good enough

to speak to people from whatever city they're from, whatever team they're supporting. The tunes don't replicate. They're not, as you know, they don't talk about football in any way. It just represents people like us, the joyous struggles and escapes a working-class life. That's what I've always said, the album documents.

And whether you're a working-class Liverpool fan in Liverpool or a working class Man United fan in Manchester or a working class not many working class Chelsea fans but if you're a

working class space fan if you're a Tory peer yeah if you're a working class space fan

you know what I mean like what I'm singing about yeah it touches it happens in your life in every one of their lives there's no

like borders or barriers but I do understand it I'm open that like you know the second in a way

the best thing for that was the lockdown for me which is strange because like I was booked to go all over the world when Liverpool won the league as you can probably imagine every supporters club

which there's there's there's like five in each city do you know what I mean different official supporters clubs and they all wanted a massive

title winning party and you can probably imagine they all wanted Jamie Webster's a single you know what I mean which I love doing and I was buzzing to do it

and to be fair the money I'd have fucking made would have been more than i've ever made to this date you know what i mean but obviously covid come in everything got swiped and my soul you know thing was the day before the lockdown oh yeah sorry my soul thing was before the before the lockdown come in i finished the album the day before we went into lockdown so then that was it

then it was like right just promote your album you know what I mean so like I think if did they see me singing in Mauritius

and in Vegas the next week singing LA LA LA all over Twitter and then I'm saying it would have been even harder to get

out of that footy stamp buy me album they're like no you know what I mean I understand it. Like, it would have done.

So I think the fact that I was solely pushing my album and my own tunes and like a bit of me as a person, I suppose, you know what I mean? As opposed to just that, like, relatable, passionate football fan that we all wish we could, like, you know, like, we all love to be,

do you know what I mean? Whatever. That went out the window because no one was seeing that side of me. Obviously when we won the league, it come back a little bit, but I think that done me the world of good anyway with this place doing the...

This place being played on Sky Sports. The streams, the album sales just went that weekend better than I've ever done. I remember when you first released Weekend in Paradise, I remember messaging you and saying, there's so many people that I think that, that I know that that song is about. And the one that always comes to mind is me little brother,

RJ, is Weekend in Paradise. Like, it's all about the weekend. You spend all your week's wages over the weekend. Then you borrow even more to get through to the end of the weekend. Your first pint on a Friday, your last gin on a Sunday morning, back in work Monday, borrow to get through to the end of the weekend your first pint on a Friday your last gin on a Sunday morning back in work Monday borrow to get through the week and do it all over again

do it all over again there's so many people the working class calendar innit we've literally done have a words about it yeah yeah like young lads just burning it

for the weekend well it is because you know what like now if he's having a good time that's the thing with weekends people

people funnily enough think that it's about like oh he's having a good time that's the thing people people funnily enough think that it's about like oh he's sick he's just writing about I'm getting off his barn what a man

and all that that's my life that is my life but it's like no it's actually about like if that works for you and you're not

skin to on your arse battling depression Monday to Friday then you know if that's not you and you're not skinned on your ass battling depression monday to friday then you know if that if that's not you then yet sound that song is for you that's exactly what that song is about you're making boss memories having good times crack on but if you are that person who is starting to feel the effects of burning the candle at both or burning the bridges so i say in the thing you know know what I mean, at both ends then maybe you do need to have a word with yourself

do you know what I mean, and just a little unintended something's going on on social media there, thank you or maybe you do just need to have a little word with yourself and say, you know what, this might not be the best thing for me now anymore and like, we all go through that Sam

I went through it, me mates, some of them are still going through it some of them yeah you know what i mean but like i don't think my little brother will ever get out of that i think my little brother is going to be 52 no he's still going to be swiping on tinder and he's still no what's going to change him a bit that literally once we've been saying this for months he's never really been involved with girls to like settle them down yeah but one day one will come I've said the same thing about mates of my own you know what I mean and you're like

I can't see a way out for him and then all of a sudden you meet this bird and he's going for walks on the weekends in Shropshire or something like that you know what I mean

Shrewsbury Shrewsbury on a Tuesday yeah you know what I mean it's all about fresh Sundays yeah 20s your 20s is a big change though isn't it

start your 20s to the end of your 20s the amount of single mates I had at the startay yeah 20s your 20s is a big change though in it start your 20s to the end of your 20s the amount of single mates i had at the start of my 20s and i was still sort of i was still single at the end of my 20s i was like oh god where are my boys at and they're all in ikea with their missus two months ago i got a leaf i've just moved into the house with my bed two months ago leaflet come through the door and it was one of them things where they sell like lawnmowers and hoses and hose reels and I was looking at it

getting excited going I can't wait for summer do you know what I mean and I just stopped and I was like how old am I do you know what I mean

26 is the answer now and I was like fucking hell I am sort of I'm getting there aren't i even maybe not literally but in my head i'm an old man oh you're talking my fucking language whenever i was like oh when will they open the nightclubs i'm like b and q's been open this whole time am i am i you know you know what's really funny because like we often on this podcast so me and carl went to

school because we've been best mates for years right and then work together and uh like last week we had paddy pimlet on the couch who went to the same school as us we we had paul smith on the week before who we work with grew up a couple of roads away from me and then ended up living in the very next road to carl and all the time whenever we talk about scouse stuff i always feel like you you've mentioned a couple of times yeah all scousers know each other, right? And I just want to make this, like, it's just so insidious because Liverpool's such a big city. There's over a million people there. But you've got mutual friends with Carl to the point where

they've been watching a match and you've been playing on the piano. And your missus I worked with in McDonald's when I was 16. On the docks. My sister worked in that machiz as well. And your missus was in the samecks on the dock road my sister worked in that machiz as well and your missus was in the same year at Bosco with my missus

it's fucking mad there's a million people in Liverpool but it feels like about 34 and your mate Tony Carroll yeah

went to my primary school 100 years as well so yeah it's mad it's mad it's nuts it's nuts it's yeah

that's Liverpool for you it's the best thing I'll tell you the story about Scouts knowing each other right I don't think you will ever beat this

right so like 2017 I think it was I went to South America with your eyes are picking up already I can see

I went to South America with like, it was like five of us, but three of us stayed for the five weeks and two sort of come at the start, two at the end. So it was five of us basically at all times. And we went to, we went round everywhere, Colombia, Peru, Brazil.

Sounds like your dream stag to do this, doesn't it? We went to La Paz in Bolivia. Oh, Jesus. There's a bar called Route 36. You might have heard of it on Viceland and shit like that. You know what I mean? So I'm not going to say nothing else about what it is, but it's a bar that sells things that they shouldn't sell in Bolivia. Fireworks, wonder eggs.

Yeah. On a plate with a straw. They're well known. All those people smuggling fireworks up their arse from Bolivia listen come here Esmeralda what have you got up there? nothing

no firecracker so we're in this bar anyway and me and my mates like a few of the others were like oh it sounds a bit moody because only the taxi drivers know where it is you have to ask the taxi drivers and it was a shutter off a street which led to an apartment but it was like when you

got in there it was like kitted out beanbags dj playing faithless but there was fucking no one else in there because it was like half 10 at night and apparently it's open to like nine in the morning and apparently people don't come to left at midnight so me and my mate were like sat in there like twiddling our thumbs for like two hours. And then like people started coming in and it was like a couple from Wellington were the first couple I remember. And we were like, please come and sit with us.

We were just talking to each other for two hours straight. So you come over and then basically we just made one big table in the room and everyone who was coming in through the door sat down with us. So next thing me and my mate just stood there talking. like scousers once they've had the bevy and probably pair was probably showing off a little bit yeah oh yeah they started talking about going to match you know like blah blah blah full of fireworks yeah full of fireworks next thing this

this this girl comes in and goes oh my god are you two scousers and I was like fuck off no way no way I mean and she's like

I can't believe this like you meet a they say you meet a scouser everywhere and I'm like yeah fucking hell

so she sits down and talking to her I'm like where are you from love and she was like yeah I was born in Norris Green

I'm like I was born in Croxted that's like my dad was born in Norris Green I'm like I was born in Croxted that's like my dad was born in Norris Green they're like five yards away from each other

that's mad so we're talking and we're talking about the footy match and it turns out she moved to Australia when she was like 11 so she'd been out

of Liverpool a lot but she still I think she was putting on the accent a little bit more but she still had it and it was mad so then she goes we're talking about the footy match and you could sign up on the accent a little bit more. Trying to impress you. Yeah, but she still had it and it was mad. So then she goes, we're talking about the footy mat

and you could sign up on the wall. So me and my mate, our names, Jamie Jack, LFC, 2000, whatever. And then she goes, do you score all the Liverpool games? And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, do you know my cousin, Jake Edwards? And I was like, what, little Jake? Do you know what I mean? And she's like, fuck off.

So, honestly, I know this kid like, really well. I've known him since he was like 16. He's been going to matches for years. And I was like, I met his long distant cousin in a legal bar in Bolivia. And I was like, I don't fucking believe this. So I was like, come on, we'll get a picture. So we got a foxhole at centre. And then like the next

morning, he just texted me, he messaged back saying, what the fuck? Do you know what I mean? Because he thinks she's in Australia. He's probably met her like twice in his life. Do you know what I mean? And he's like, I've got a cousin in a pool. Like she doesn't even know him, but I know him.

Do you know what I mean? So yeah, it's like, you could not write it. In a bar in Bolivia. What? In a bar that's not even advertised as a bar. Do you know what I mean? So it was just fucking... Do you have that in Preston, Dan?

Can you go anywhere in the world and be like, you're from Preston. Are you all right? Like a shirt. Do you know how bad that is? I'm such a fucking bellend. Everything about that story was red flags, red flags, red flags. Like most normal people would be like, don't go there.

That's murder. Murder happens there. But in my head, because I knew it was Billy V, I was like, yeah, Jamie, did you go in? In my head, I was like, I'd definitely go in right now. Father of two, four year old bloke. I'd be like, can we go to that place that looks like people die there? Yes, I'm in. Sounds fucking amazing.

It was a mad gaffe, but it was madder when you were asking the locals where it is and they were going, no, no, no. Just doing that like the woman off Family Guy. And we were like, why? And they're just going, oh, no, no, no. So we would be eating online and they were like, don't ask the locals. They don't like it. It doesn't fund the economy.

So they don't like it. Yeah. Ask the taxi drivers because they get paid to take you there. You know what I mean? They get like a little so that was what we done can we do a live show

in Bolivia we can I've just added that to the tour for 2022 Doncaster Manchester Leeds

Liverpool La Paz let's have a quick advert break and then we've got a couple of have a words that we've been sent in

and there's one would you rather that I want to put to you because we've sort of built this podcast from the start on would you rathers and one of them

got asked I'm really interested which way you take it do you like a cheeky little gamble on the old sporting world well I do

but I'm sick of getting beat by the bookies now I've been going to bettinggods.com since they started sponsoring this podcast. They're a great sponsor to have on board, and they are the best tipsters in the betting game. Anything from tennis to ice hockey to footy, rugby, horse racing. If you want tips when it comes to betting, head to bettinggods.com right now, and they've got all sorts to help you beat the bookies and get a few winners.

Go get some winners. Don't be a loser. You don't want to be losing your bets you want to be winning your bets bettingguards.com they're gonna help you do that back par four final part um so as i said to you before in the early stages of when we started this podcast about a year ago we did a lot of would you rathers we don't really do that many anymore because we've done all the ones that are really common but we got we put a shout out on Patreon earlier

that you were going to be today's guest and there was just one because you're so your passion for music radiates off you but you're also

a massive massive Liverpool fan so someone thought they'd fuck with you. Yeah, yeah. So, is it? The question is,

would you rather Liverpool win the league every year for the next 10 years, but in that time, you don't get to headline a show? There's no Jamie Webster live at all in that 10 years.

Or, we don't win the league at all for the next 10 years, but you get to headline Glastonbury in that time yeah it's a no brainer that I'm sorry

LFC fans told you lad told you like no obviously I love Liverpool like Liverpool it's not something like you know

my grandad loves Liverpool my dad loves Liverpool my brother loves Liverpool we all do unless you're an Everton fan obviously but like I've seen us win the league

now anyway and I was a big part in all that so like I've got fond memories of it all do you know what I mean I was on BT

the night we won it I think you know what I mean like I watched it proper fucked Rio Ferdinand off as well on the terry

and it was the most satisfying thing was that when you told him you were going on the ground yeah because he was like they were all talking and they kept getting me sorry we'll be with you

in five minutes and I was supposed to be on right after the game you know what I mean so I'm like my beard lived like five minutes from Anfield at the time

and I was like I'm getting on my bike and I'm going to Anfield do you know what I mean and like Leo Ferdinand was talking about all he kept bringing it back to was oh we won a league

with Men United and there was lots of beer on tap and all that and I was like you fucking get not this is nothing to do with you this night

has no nothing to do with you and I was getting proper wound up and I was like I just want to fucking go and be with my mates and celebrate

all right it was illegal to do so but fuck it won the league for the first time in 30 years oh I was at the ground yeah loads of people were

at the ground who shouldn't have been fucking Carragher and everything was apparently seen on peer head he's a he's chatting shit he is chatting shit Loads of people were at the ground who shouldn't have been. Fucking Carragher and everything was apparently seen on Peared. Lovren went, didn't he, with a mask on? He's chatting shit.

He is chatting shit. No way. He's the most miserable fucker I've ever set my eyes upon. He is fucking... No way was he at that ground with a mask on. No way. I'm not having it. No, no, no.

Not having it? No. So, yeah, somebody up there, man, is like, oh, have you got a song for us winning, for you winning the league title then you're going to sing it for us and I was just like, no and no. And he was like,

oh, I bet you have and I was like, nah Leo, sorry lads, the fans will make up a song and he's sung up enough about you. It's like,

I'm off. You know what I mean? Just meant. But no, like I've seen us win the league and I know that's fucking probably a bit selfish to like,

well no, just like, if you were only just born now tough shit you know what I mean I didn't see us winning for 30 years so you know

for the first 26 years of my life I'd take 10 years and you only said the league day we could win the European Cup every fucking year

I'd be happy enough look at that great technicality that's 10 European Cups let's just say 16 European Cups at the end of it yeah yeah

however many FA Cups or whatever end of it yeah yeah however many FA Cups or whatever but no like Ed Rahn and Glastonbury like being in the music industry now

and knowing how hard it is to sell out shows Leeds Newcastle Glasgow do you know what I mean these are like

at first it was like 400 cap and it was a big struggle to sell them out and obviously since the album come out and I haven't played no shows it's just been venue upgrades so now I'm at like 400 cap and it was a big struggle to sell them out and obviously since the album come out and I haven't played no shows,

it's just been venue upgrades so now I'm at like 1,000 cap venues, give or take, roughly, nationwide. Not all, but like,

you know, especially Northern, that's about 1,000 and I know how hard it is to sell the tickets. I've had meetings every week, we get the tickets I've had meetings every week we get the tickets

updates off me booking agent where how many sales we've done each week and shit like that and we're constantly trying to you know

think of ways to engage with people from those areas to get them to to buy a ticket whether it's a cover from a local from someone who's local

to that area whatever and it's a fucking slog you know what I mean where it's like Liverpool alright I'm like not taking nothing for granted it whatever and it's a fucking slog you know what I mean where it's like Liverpool alright I'm like

not taking nothing for granted it's flying it's flying like I've sold out the Guild 2300 two nights at the

Olympia 1800 each and we've got like 800 left for the third night at the Olympia do you know what I mean I'm not worried

about Liverpool I didn't even advertise a show yesterday in Hotel TF actually on my birthday 18th of April a socially distanced acoustic show it sold out yesterday and I didn't even post it show yesterday in Hotel TF, actually on my birthday, 18th of April, a socially distanced acoustic show.

It sold out yesterday, and I didn't even post it. Do you know what I mean? It was just, so I know Liverpool's sound, but to make your way around the country, and like, really, like, old weight, where people actually want to come and see it, like, you know what I mean? You's not being comedians.

It's a fucking, it's a long,'s a long long long road and or for like that hour that you have on stage or whatever do you know what i mean it's over you know what i mean the nine months building up to it or the promotion shit like that and then it's over but so to be able to be in a position where your head where like you've got that much pull and that many people want to come and see you the red line in Glastonbury on a Sunday night like doesn't matter what night but your red line

in that pyramid stage at Glastonbury it you've got to be at a certain level to do that so you're looking at what that would mean

for the rest if you were there you'd be thousands everywhere I'd retire lads I'd fucking retire and I'd live a happy life just like

as I am now do you know what I mean there's so many things to do there's so many festivals there's so many TV shows but headlining Glastonbury is still so special

what could I do after what could I do better than that do you know what I mean I'm assuming that like at that to be able to headline Glastonbury you're going to have

to have to get to that position you need a number one record probably you know what I mean number one album you need number one singles you need all these massive streams just to get to that point so if i'm there

i'm guessing i've already sort of done all that completed it mate you know what i mean they're not just bringing jamie webster out because there's been a would you rather yeah that's all powerful exactly you think logically about it yeah it's like always bonehead said like after after never it yeah like you know it's like whathead said like after after Nebuit like you know it's like what more can I fucking do here I'm playing bar chords

you know what I mean for someone else's songs to hundreds of thousands of people and getting paid a shitloads of dough for it what can I do to better than this now

do you know what I mean and like it does get it was like Ray Clements God bless him when he left Liverpool because he won that much shit he was like

I need a challenge you know I can't stay here no more it's too easy it's like literally that was when he left Liverpool because he won that much shit he was like I need a challenge you know I can't stay here no more it's too easy it's like literally that was why he left Liverpool he's in goal as well

at a time when we had the best defensive unit and team in the world do you know what I mean so once you've got to that point it's like I want to make some saves yeah exactly

we've talked about it a lot about being artists being comedians musicians or whatever that momentum of like I'm trying to get to this level. I'm trying to get to the next level. And then beyond that is there. And we're talking about these superstars, even Ray Clements.

There is a point, if you've got there, some people can maintain it. They can give themselves new challenges. But a lot of artists, sportsmen, they just turn around and go, they almost like lose the wind in the sails, don't they? And go, I'm rich and I've done it. That's a new challenge, isn't it? To either maintain it or set yourself a new target to keep going. It's quite weird as a scouser as well, though, isn't it?

Because Liverpool is such a sort of parochial city and they proper get behind their own as they've done with you. Paddy is another example from last week. He's got a big following in Liverpool Paul Smith even me to an extent you get

you get you get sort of a glimpse of what it could be like nationwide in your home city first because you're talking about what you're selling in Liverpool compared to everywhere else

it's exactly the same just on a smaller scale like I'll do we did like 11 1200 tickets at my Liverpool show and then I'm getting the sales reports through

and it's like, Bays and Stoke needs a nudge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you need to sell another 12 in there

to get up to that round 50. Yeah, I supported you in Chester, Manchester and Blackpool and Liverpool was a little bit different. Yeah,

Blackpool was what, 80, Manchester 200, Chester 200 and Liverpool. I walked out in Liverpool and I got squeaky arse because there was

1300 people there yeah it's like that is a good thing with Liverpool I think you know you always start

that's why and you can see loads of young bands doing it now they're really wearing the Scouse badge with pride and that's what they should do because that is who they are do you know what I mean

and like everything whether it's charity revolution I don't know korea it starts at home do you know what i mean it really does start at home from grassroots ground up and that like that like we're lucky to be from liverpool i mean i know there are a lot of people who are watching this who aren't from liverpool and they probably feel the same about them, but obviously about where they're from. Sorry.

Now, can I just correct you there, mate? I don't think there's loads of people in Preston going, thank fuck I was born here. No, no, listen, it's all right, but I don't... I think Liverpool pride is a whole other level. Yeah, maybe so, because we have such different perspective and opinions on things to a lot of people from other places,

only because we're quite a unique city in what we've witnessed historically. Do you know what I mean? So that is why I think Scousers do have that tribal instinct of togetherness and whatever. Do you know what I mean? But I do think that wherever you're from in the world,

to wherever you are now, where you've come from is as being a stepping stone yeah the way you are now and you wouldn't be where you are without coming from where you've come from i know it's obvious when you put it literally but yeah like you know what i'm saying the perspective that you gain in early life is down to the environment that you're brought up in and that's obviously shaped you through your heart today so if you're doing well for yourself today, you know, I've got your hometown or your home city. 100%. I apologise, Preston. I'll see you for that 140-seater gig.

Deepdale posse. So the title of this podcast, Jamie, Have a Word, is derived from the fact that our main feature is people write in to us and ask us to have a word with people in their life on their behalf. We've got a little theme tune. Do you want to play it? I know Jamie won't be able to hear it, but the listeners will be able to hear it. I'll sing it for you.

I've embarrassed myself. It's a pleasure to have Elton John in the building. I'm a big Elton John fan, Jamie, as you can see. I actually do some work as a tribute act. Pretty good. I've actually just got booked in Mauritius. So thanks for cancelling. For the Watford playoff

title win oh mate I'm constantly being booked for the Watford official fan clubs there's sometimes five in a city I went to see

Elton John in the dam with me bird and you know what like based off that video of I'm Still Standing I must have been fucking stoned

out my head because I thought he was brilliant there's all these Dutch people like he has had a stroke yeah J-Loft I must have been fucking stoned out my head because I thought he was brilliant. It was all the Dutch people like, he has had a stroke, yeah? J-Lock. I was like, that Benny in the jet.

I had the baseball cap on and all that, like, you know what I mean, myself. No, I didn't. But it was a good gig, so maybe Amsterdam has a lot to do with that. All them fireworks. A lot of fireworks in the dam. Jesus Christ, built on them.

You mentioned just before that you've recently moved in with your missus. Is that right? Yeah. So we've got a have a word from one of our goats, Dan Johnson. He writes in pretty much every week. There's a lot of goats nowadays isn't there yeah there's like there's like four or five goats yeah but there's you know he's been amazing so he's been amazing so he's just moved in with his missus says are you lids uh i really need to have a word with me or me missus we moved in together and i started to set up how our flat

will look and where things will go the issue i am having is that she has so much tat by this i mean everything from a fucking aerial little mermaid statue to a chinese lantern style fairy lights that are genuinely the most hideous things i've ever seen there's a pink neon light a pink neon light up fucking flamingo and it's driving me over the edge i've i've been vetoing the very worst of it but i'm starting to feel like i couldn't because i am so against so much of it the issue is there's at least 100 so if i say no to 10 slash 15 of it i'm still stuck with the other 75 fucking bad maths how the fuck do i manage to get through this one this is our first place together so bad 100 minus 10, 75.

How the fuck do I manage to get through this one? This is our first place together. And I feel like whatever I allow now will get worse over time. And eventually she will use that. But we've had this since our first flat excuse. And I'm stuck with it all forever. Like a fucking crash bash checkpoint

when you can't go back once you've passed. Have a wee bit of your thanks, Dan Johnson. Now, I will say, you are absolutely right. Whatever you allow, it's like being in court. Do you know what I mean? If it's deemed admissible, then, you know, it's in for the whole trial, the trial being his relationship.

So, have you experienced any of this, Jay? Yeah, well, like, my beard is one for trinkets as well and I won't say tat for when she watches it because she'll smack me around the head

but erm yeah like my bird's one for like she likes decorating things do you know what I mean like but

at first like there's a few things that like I suppose I suppose if it offends you then you have to let them know that it offends you like you know what I mean like one thing that I straight away which Yn gyntaf, mae yna rai pethau sy'n... Dwi'n meddwl y byddai'n eithaf yn ymddygiad â chi. Yna mae'n rhaid i chi gael gwybod ei fod yn eithaf yn ymddygiad â chi.

Un peth sy'n dda yn unig, sy'n dal i weithio arno, ond wedi'i gosod yn unig, yw'r llwythoedd. Y llwythoedd o'r ystafell y byddwn ni wedi'i symud i mewn. Roedd y llwythoedd yn y ddau o'r ystafell. Roedd yn dda iawn. Mae'n edrych yn dda wrth i'r llwythoedd ddod i lawr. Mae hi'n cael ei glas yn ystafell gwyddo a gwyddo. mean and it like it looks it looks nice just as it's going down the hallway and she got she's got the idea of this fucking black and white carpet just to and i'm like why do we need that in the

hall like it's it's fucking pointless like literally it's that long it looks nice it goes with the rest of the house and i was like i just think it looks i think it looks shit and i think that's stuck in her head so she was like oh he thinks it looks shit maybe it does look shit you know what i mean but so she's sort of half still playing on that idea but I suppose you said it early though

that's not cunty you're allowed to say it early because you can't lose your shit two years down the line and go the carpet shit on site

a natural reaction on site of whatever it is will always stand further do you know what I mean yeah like yeah because you look like a

psycho three years down the line smashing aerial from the little mermaid on the floor and being like you've had a little bit of trouble with this because you've literally built a garden office haven't you

so that you can actually put stuff up that you want to put up my missus is the opposite she's got this weird thing where she just thinks oh I'm gonna go off like I'm gonna go off something so should we need

water yeah yeah good it's like a fucking marathon this podcast adam running around grabbing water um she won't put stuff up it's the weirdest thing i'm like babe we need some fucking artwork our house looks like we moved in like you just look at the walls and you go oh they just moved in recently it's a year and a half ago looks like a safe house and you didn't witness protection Airbnb where nothing discreet oh it's really really strange feeling to be like

can we stick some artwork up so in my garden office all of the shit is going up yeah no I'm quite lucky because my bird's got quite good

and similar taste to me with terms of pitches and shit like that like she does love her tap but I think if something offends you I suppose you need to have a word with yourself first and foremost to that. Like, she does love a tap, but I think if something offends you, I suppose you need to have a word with yourself,

first and foremost, to be like, look, if it does really offend you, like you say, just say, nah, straight away. Honest reaction will put it off, surely. If not, like, you know, you do need to have a word with her about just constantly cluttering up the shit. Oh, can't be with a hoarder.

No, no, the hoarding, no, you need to stop. It does sound like she's a hoarder. Yeah.

However, his big bugbear to me seems to be the pink neon light up fucking flamingo. Yeah. And I quite like the sound of that.

I'll have that for the garden office, Dan. I think maybe the best thing to do with birds, it's like, it's like mind games

slash reverse psychology. So like, if so, play mind games with women with birds it's like mind games slash diverse psychology so like play mind games with women so it's like do you think that looks right there yeah it looks

sound like but I don't I just don't I don't think I think it would look better somewhere else do you know what I mean and I maybe then

plant the seed plant seeds little seeds just a question don't offer an opinion offer a question offer a question like it's not the most vicious gaslighting i've ever read no no definitely not but like you know like you don't don't you think like a nice you know if the flamingo yes is the big sticking point like don't you think a nice picture of me and you'd be nicer there love oh yeah make her play the fucking you know what I mean and they're like oh like

yeah well what and if you've got a nice picture in mind that's even better like for example I love that one you got so

when we went to Copenhagen and it's like I feel like you've got a specific picture in mind I have I'm all about like

you know visualising and yeah because with that you're not saying that flamingo is horrible you're saying

we're better than a pink flamingo yeah you know what I mean totally but yeah but if it does get to the point like where you literally

you can't anything that you're saying is not working you're just going to have to come clean look like a bit of a psycho and have a word with Ed and just say

look love I can't fucking deal with it or just choose your battleground like and go like we're just getting to come clean, look like a bit of a psycho and have a word with Ed and just say, look, love, I can't fucking deal with it. Or just choose your battleground, like, and go, like, we're just getting the bathroom sorted out. And Laura's like, right, I've had some ideas for the bathroom. And I was just about to go, well, what I want is, and then I remembered, I don't give a fuck what bathrooms look like. I want a nice, clean, functional, smart looking bathroom.

Laura can, so that for me is an easy, like, I'll tell you what, clean, functional, smart-looking bathroom. Laura can... So that, for me, is an easy, like... I'll tell you what, love. You can just do what you want with the bathroom. That's your design. You need to act interested, though. So in my head... But girls don't want that. No, you need to act interested.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. She was well happy with that. Oh, right. No, not arsed. You can do whatever you want. You've got a great eye. You're really good at this stuff.

So that when she comes anywhere near the garden office I can lock the fucking bifold And go fuck off Go to the bathroom You've done it nicely Maybe you've got a good one there We don't know whether Dan's missus is nice I definitely have

In my experience If you go to a girl or a woman And go you pick Then that doesn't solve the problem. No, no. At all, because it becomes, so you're not interested. Now I want your opinion. Do you know, the other night, we were in Asda.

No, it was definitely not like that. Do you know, the other night, we were in Asda, right? And my missus went, what type of garlic bread do you want? Because we were in the garlic bread section of the fridge next to the pasta sauce in Asda. So there's the baguette that's been pre-sliced i love them yeah there's the ciabattas that have been sliced they're working class garlic bread aren't they yeah yeah and there's the the big round basically like a pizza one yeah like pizza express one yeah like that and then there's also the actual pizza one right and she went what type of garlic bread

you want and i went uh you just pick i don't mind and she went, what type of garlic bread do you want? And I went, you just pick, I don't mind. And she went, I asked you what one you want. And I went, the slicey baguette one. And she went, oh, you would pick the worst one. So that was a telly, innit? What do you want to watch? I'm going to ask. Put this on?

Nah, don't want to watch that. Oh, no. Yes. Right, yeah. So that's the thing. You can't just let her have everything, because she doesn't actually want everything, Dan. What she wants is a fight.

No, she wants you to pick what she wants. I'm so glad I married the person I married because she's never been able to go, you've never taken chestnut garlic bread. Bastard. I've never had that in a Tesco. She wants you to pick what she wants. And to be fair to my birth as well,

like once we'd done the house up, it was like, at first we buried that the idea of like oh yeah we'll just get like all our mates all our family around we'll all have a go at painting we'll have a go at doing this that dude you know like fucking when them people get given a budget on the telly to flip a house yeah and like they really they spend it all on painting not painters yeah and they just have everyone in there doing like you know what i mean it's me mom she's she's putting the toilets in you know what i mean like what the fuck you know what i mean so like i was like well i was like rich like i was like some 60 year old woman trying to get away around you ben and i understand the sentiment behind it because she's a very like

she's a diamond me but she's a very together like you know everyone mucking like socialist everyone taking parts everyone having a go loving like you know everyone mucking like socialist everyone taking part everyone having a go loving like making memories whilst making the house and all that shit which I get

but I was like look love like me da runs a building firm I worked as an electrician for that building firm if there's any building work

getting done in the house it's gonna be done by me and me da because knowing me da like the fucking psycho boss that he was he'll want it done fucking properly and no offense none of me mates know how to paint none of your mates know

how to paint none of our mates know how to do anything else you know i mean one of my mates is a plasterer we're certainly not letting your nan do the rewiring yeah exactly yeah one of my mates is a plasterer so we'll do the ceiling other than that when it comes down to ice actually said to me bird when it comes down to the decoration side of it and like making the house I'm making it a house love yeah you make it a home know what I mean

that's a musician dropping a fucking lyric in real life that in it that's it in it I'm actually gonna make a note of that yeah don't don't add

and your auntie Linda's not rewiring as well no I didn't have a pop on anyone because I wouldn't like I know that like if anyone did come to help it would be out of goodness of their hearts

do you know what I mean so it would never be like that but it was like my dad likes things done a certain way and the only way you can do that is if he does it

or with me you know what I mean or whatever and he gets his lads in from work to give us a touch or whatever to make some memories

yeah to make some so we can fucking kill each other in the living room one last time but no so yeah I just think maybe don't be too arsed about the circulation have a word with yourself in that sense be a bit of a man and just think as long as it's fucking working and functioning happy wife happy life do you mean like what a diplomatic perfect that's the first answer we've ever had actual answer actual advice given yeah instead of just bollocks well paddy the baddie

looking down the camera being like she's a slut yeah but you know what paddy is fucking right like i can't believe that it's got to the point for that last one if you're watching again that you've actually wrote in to like i can't believe actually like i can't believe that it's got to the point where he's back with it yeah i'd like i like i'd have just like i would have said to him are you soft are you fucking mad like and if you are back with a lad you know what like don't expect me to talk to her so paddy was fucking right if you haven't got a fucking clue what we're talking about go back and check out last week's episode episode 114 with paddy the baddie pimblis and it was towards the end

to have a word and plus i'd never tell paddy he was wrong anyway even if we are mates i've got one more have a word here uh that i uh i think like it took a lot of re-editing this one because it was written by one of our many illiterate fans. Oh, a couple of weeks ago, I did have a word and I just, I hadn't looked, I just got, oh yeah, I got the gist of it. And I hadn't sort of edited it. And it was a full paragraph without any punctuation.

And I got about a third of the way through and I was like, lads, I'm going to have to sort of like tell you the gist of it. Oh, it's brutal. Fantastic. So, boys, can you please have a word with my dad now? I love dad shouting. Him and my mum have been split up for about two years now.

They're not officially divorced yet. And although it's not looking good, I wouldn't completely rule out them getting back together. Two years. Come on, bro. divorced yet and although it's not looking good i wouldn't completely rule out them getting back together two years come on bro uh my dad hasn't got any mates because the breakup hasn't exactly been civil and all of their couple friends have basically stayed mates with my mum last week when restrictions changed and we could have six people gathered again i had a little get together in my garden to be honest there was actually 11 people there but don't grass on me i invited a few people from work including one woman who i've fancied for ages she's 10 years older than me but there's always been some heavy flirtation there anyway long story short my dad got off with her that night they didn't fuck but there was some fumbling and

some heavy neck and he's 54's 38, for fuck's sake. Now, I can't ever go there well because fuck that. I hadn't explicitly told my dad that I was into her, but it was very obvious because despite there being 11 people there, she was the only one I was asked about giving any attention to. He says he'd done nothing wrong and that if I don't want him getting off at my co-workers, then don't invite him again. I will fuck your supervisor i just wanted them to have some company in a bevy i didn't expect them to be groping me

crush up against the garage wall i haven't spoken to her about it because at the end of the day she's a free woman and can do what she wants What's the score here? Is me dad a twat or am I? I think Me like Dad's a shagger I think your dad's a legend You're a bit of a bitch to be honest

Nah Obviously like Being sentimental And sensitive to what's going on Don't do that nah obviously like like nah being sentimental and sensitive to what's going on oh don't do that nah like I started it

well I'll claw it back like I did with the last one but eh nah like shit that like obviously parents and stuff like that I've been lucky enough

my man and dad have never split up sometimes I've probably wanted them to but eh like no never they've never split up

no and so I don't know what that feels like so I can imagine it to be a bit of a mad thing seeing your half fella necking anyone against your garage wall never mind

it's best probably be worse if you've seen your dad necking your ma against your garage wall but you know I can imagine that

weren't nice but at the same time like you did say your half fellas had a bit of a tough time on the divorce. All right. Maybe he wasn't an angel in what happened.

Hence why no one's picked his side. But you know, people make mistakes. He's a human being. Let your dad have a bit of a good time, lad. Do you know what I mean? He's fucking,

we've all gone through a bit of lockdown. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it sounds like a pretty intense 11 person barbecue. Yeah. If it was a massive barbecue When there's like

Why is there only like 8 other people here Dad Fucking fingering the assistant manager Round the back of the shed Fair play to him He's what 16 years old No social distancing He's coming up to 60

He's 54 she's 38 and the lad who's written in it doesn't say his age but she's 10 years older so he's 28

I think you've got to be having a word with yourself anyway right did he say how long he's worked there he just says he

works there so I'm guessing it's been a few years yeah it must be because otherwise he wouldn't know her would he because that past

year they won't have been in work exactly so I'm guessing it's been a few years so you've put in a good bit of graft there like and your half fella

is just out shonering a few hours in your back garden just chatting about his pension and pow yeah do you know what I stand by my statements have a word with yourself

your dad's a bit of a legend and you are a bit of a bitch not in a personal sense but just I'm sure you're a nice lad isn't that you know what I mean

but like this based on what I know from this do you know what I mean like she sounds awesome though doesn't she

she is if she's DTF within 20 years of her own age she's fun isn't she I'm 38 I will fuck anything

give me an oxygenarian or a 19 yearyear-old. I don't give a shit. I've come for meat. Here's a question, right? Now, everyone here, apart from Finn, is in a serious relationship. Yeah, definitely.

Right? Now, let's just pretend we're single for a minute. Let's just pretend. Oh, that's a little loud. Is it not? Well, it's been happening for the last three months on this podcast so are you saying pretend i'm single so single laura's gone so laura's gone so laura's gone she's moved no no no don't not when we've got a guest here jamie's like this how these dickheads are making a living she's moved to south wales right

to work in a studio to work on a rival farm all right right because she's seen that there's money she watched this episode right yeah she's now she wants to be a music producer because she listened to me say producers make all the money she's moved to just outside of swansea with my six-day-old son yeah nice one she's dying to get back to work she's been going on about it all the time between brett pumping pumping breast milk she's like when can i get back to work she's been going on about it all the time between pumping breast milk she's like when can I get back to work in a studio in South Wales

she's took Jack and Etta with her gone Laura's gone Laura's gone she's waking up it's annoying how much you enjoy yourself

when you're doing it so she's she's watch your fucking palate do the bit Just fucking do it Don't have an aneurysm talking about my divorce So she's gone

Right she's gone Working on her farm trying to be a music producer Just outside Swansea She's living with A 73 year old gay man Called Dafit Who's got A spare bedroom

because his elderly mum died recently. So that's where she's gone, right? So imagine that. You there? Yeah, I've got there. So I'm single. I'm in La Paz within about 20 minutes. I am literally at John Lennon

International going lads I want to go Bolivia so let's not get into sorry it would be great

if John Lennon done flights to Bolivia easy John carry on sorry lads you never got to get so yeah the important thing is

that Laura's gone yeah she's gone yeah she's gone okay Laura's gone Swansea Daffod got it

dead mum got it got it and the question is if you were trying to get into someone

yeah right and then she necked your dad would that be a deal breaker for you

right it would next your dad would that be a deal breaker for you oh i cannot under underline how much that that is a deal breaker yeah yeah oh my god soz dad. Are you telling me there's no woman on the planet who you could get past? Like,

who's your dream woman apart from your wife? Pixie Lott, isn't it? Yeah. Pixie Lott with tats. If your dad had a fumble with Pixie Lott with tats,

could you then go there? I'd still be like, what were you doing in Tarleton in West Lancashire? Because he never leaves the house. Where was my step-mum? Pixie, what were you doing at my dad's house?

And why are you here? Another weird small barbecue. My dad, my step-mum and Pixie Lott. My step-mum sat there going, God, I've-mom and Pixie Lott. My step-mom sat there going, God, I've been here on my own a while. Peter? Peter?

Pixie? Fuck, you know. That's a bad one, that, like. Oh, it's horrible.

So, you think his dad's, his dad's on side, yeah? Well, obviously, his dad's, to be honest, look, his dad's got to be a bit of a tit-head, doesn't he? Yeah. If he knows, no, no, not a tit-head. Does he know, though?

If he knows, if he doesn't know, then no, his dad is completely sound. Yeah, he's sound. If he doesn't know that you're into it, like, you know, he's sound. He's fucking just looking after himself, isn't he? He must know what his dad's like

reiterating a legend and obviously I'm guessing by the way that like none of the friends have picked him on the divorce

it's sort of like I'm not I'm not gonna jump the gun here but like I can sort of guess

I will your dad sounds like a knobhead anyway or a shagger of a knobhead a shagger of a knobhead yeah a shagger of a knobhead I'm sort of guessing

that he's not the loyalist when it comes to you know keeping his trousers up you know what I mean but could be that couldn't he that's what I was thinking

I just don't think you should ever have a conversation with your dad so I'm not outing you in any way lads you know what I mean his name's Chris you're not 14

it's not the school disco like right dad you're not allowed to kiss my girlfriend if your dad kisses your girlfriend at the 14 you don't school

disco I think I think the police get involved they're like no but like obviously if he didn't know that you were

into it like I'm sticking with me my main fact your dad's a legend do you know what I mean he's plagued some bird you've liked

for a long time he was a lot younger than him within a few hours of meeting her in your house you know what I mean? He's plagued some bird who you've liked for a long time, who's a lot younger than him, within a few hours of meeting her in your house. You know what I mean? You're going to have to take it on a chin. Yeah, fair play.

You are going to have to take it on a chin. That's something about a 28-year-old lad after a 38-year-old woman. Good on you, bro. I mean, fair enough if you don't want to go there. I know your dad's been there,

but you will get your face sat on. Do you think this is maybe a case of him, like, the heavy flirtation that he's detected as just being, maybe someone's just being nice to him? I swear to God, I think she sounds fucking ace. Come to the barbecue, see who I go home with. If a 38-year-old woman is going off with someone who's 54,

she's flirting proper, isn't she? What, is she flirting proper with the 28-year-old? Yeah. You reckon? Yeah. As he just said, she's sitting on his't she what is she flirting proper with the 28 year old yeah you reckon yeah as he just said she's sitting on his face at the first oh yeah

Laurie used to work with a lady in her mid 40s like we called her Racy Tracy she's fit like she's totally

outdated she still had a perm she looked like a 1980s Liverpool footballer but like fit with it it's like

I like it yeah been through a divorce now she wants the dude yeah a 1980s Liverpool footballer but like fit with it it's like I like it I like to Graham Sooners yeah been through a divorce now she wants to do yeah I'm into Graham Sooners what's your perfect

type of woman Graham Sooners not now not weird like mid 80s great legs two footed tackle right on your nuts

this has been one of my favourite episodes I'm sure Graeme Sunez by the way would be thrilled of you calling him the ideal woman

and he's not allowed anywhere near my dad dirty old bastard it's been a pleasure to have you in Jamie thanks very much

tell everyone where they can find you like social media yeah watch me tags Jamie Webster music on Instagram Tell everyone where they can find you. Like social media. Fucking hell, watch me tags. Jamie Webster Music on Instagram.

Jamie Webster 94 on Twitter. And I don't know what it is on Facebook. Just type in Jamie Webster, it'll be there somewhere. I think I've got a blue tick on Facebook, so all my pieces are fine. I haven't got one on Twitter yet. Don't sort it out, Twitter. And when can we expect a new album?

Do you know when it's going to be out no uh it's a bit of a tough one because there's so many things to think like the market and the actual manufacturing of the seed it's taking longer now because of covid and everything else and whatever so i'm open the fourth quarter of the year so somewhere in between september and december time do you know what I mean? I'm aiming for, obviously I'm hoping to get a single out within the next couple of months, do you know what I mean? It just depends on mixing and mastering once it's been recorded, but it's definitely,

once the first single comes out, a lot of them will start rolling then, and hopefully by the time I'm touring, November, December time, the majority, the main singles will be released and the album will be nearly with us and for tour tickets you can go on www.jamiewebstermusic.com

there's a link and it says merchandise tours albums and stuff like that so yeah, all that info's on there you can just google you can try the usual c tickets skiddle ticket master you all get split up between them yeah it's a pain in the ass but i think you can find them all through my website which is a good

an easy option to do so yeah get on them tickets are selling quick if you're in belfast by any chance and you're watching this there's 50 tickets left for belfast if you're in glasgow when you're watching this there's 30 tickets left for glasgow so and if you're undecided on whether you want to get a ticket they can you can go and listen to we get by which i listen to regularly on spotify uh you can get it on all the platforms yeah yeah yeah download it illegally if you want just listen to it or buy it buy it if you buy it it'd be lovely

but like if you just want to listen to it I got one of the limited edition red ones did you yeah do you know what I haven't even got one of them and funny enough

the limited edition so like I'll sell you it back nah so yeah I'm gonna sort one out for the lads here obviously I'll have a word but yeah

get on me have a little listen see what you think yeah please do that and Friday at 6pm the 3rd

in studio lockdown lock-in we are wetting the baby's head we are we're gonna get pissed this week it will be out on Friday

the 16th at 6pm Eshan Akbar is the special guest mate on the couch we're going to get very very drunk

and there's a lad who sells some sweets on Instagram who's going to provide us with some snacks for that fireworks nice one some fireworks yeah

oh shit well that'll be a seven hour fucking lock in it's only on Patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod where all the good stuff

is kept yeah that's it been a pleasure Jamie great to meet you been awesome to have you in it's been a belter

I've got some tour dates coming up soon well not proper tour dates comedy club dates they're going to be going on sale soon go to adamrow.co.uk just sign up to the mailing list

and you'll get an email when they all go on sale that's all for this week it's been very very fun hasn't it nice one bye felicia in a bit you you Let's face it, most meal replacements are rough, unsensitive stomachs, not Sperry. Sperry is a complete plant-based meal crafted for better digestion. What makes Sperry different?

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