Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #116 with Chris Washington - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. p5 foe farm i smell a podcast wow that was almost like you forgot what type of pod we do and we're doing one of those sort of edinburgh soho theater radio 4 podcast like oh my god that's amazing what did you cook for dinner i am i was talking to my agent the other day about uh some london shows because he wants me to do some stuff in lond He's like, what do you think about the Soho Theatre? And I was like, I can't be arsed with the walkouts. It's just not my vibe, that gaffer. If I lived in London, I'd go to the Soho Theatre, though.

I think it's a great shout as a place to go and watch comedy. We went and watched Frank Skinner. Unplanned, totally unwritten. It was Frank Skinner, the man without a show. And I thought he was doing a work in progress. I thought, he's the man without a show. But he was literally just a man without a show. And I thought he was doing a work in progress. I thought, he's the man without a show. But he was literally just a man without a show. He just went on and just tried to talk for an hour.

It's nice being Frank Skinner, isn't it? We were killing time before Bill Bear, weren't we? That's a good shout, though. So the Soho Theatre, if you don't know, is in London, and it runs like the Edinburgh Festival runs and I'm generalising but it's more like hour long slots

for comedians to do hour long shows one man shows one lady shows you know because it's 2021 Adam you've got to change how you talk especially at the Soho Theatre

loads of foreigns and that's allowed now do you know what I mean and women foreign women as well and that's too far that's too know what I mean? And women. Foreign women as well. And... Was that too far? That's too much.

What? Oh, that's so Soho. Yeah. You get an hour for just being a foreign woman. You do. Hello, my name is Isabel. Can I do a one-woman show?

I'm glad you went French there. Yeah. Yeah. But she was actually black French. She sounded white though. What? She did white though. What? She did sound white. That felt really racist on your part there, Carl.

Sorry. That was amazing passing the book on the racism. No, it's yours. You hated being in that Soho theatre bar, didn't you? Yeah, it was full of people who, London is majority this, pretending to be busy. Right. I want my laptop out of here.

You're not busy. London is 90% people pretending to be busy right i want my laptop out here and you're not busy you pretend london is 90 people pretend oh hey listen if you if you run a business if you work for a fucking high pressure job when you're on the train you're like fuck i've got to do my thing i get it when you you know like at home you go like i've just got to do an hour yeah i've never done one of those high pressure jobs not in the bar of the fucking soho theater that's where a lot of like comics and theater people go to write don't they i'm going to write today so they go and sit in the soho theater going oh here's my next play listen you fucking southern comedians that's so aggressive just find a costa everyone else. You don't have to go to the Soho things. I'm writing a show. I couldn't possibly write to a fucking Starbucks near my house.

Go to a library, you dick sniff. You don't have to go. That's like what you do on your nights off. I go to Hot Water just to be in the dressing room to write. I don't perform. I don't talk to the comedians. I just get in the corner of the dressing room to write i don't perform i don't talk to the comedians i just get in the corner of the dressing room and like right just pick a coffee shop you bell sniff but wouldn't you want to be maybe they go there the same reason i would maybe go to hot water to write it so that you're sort of surrounded no no so you get inspiration i You have never gone to hot water

to just quietly go in a corner and fucking write. I do it on the stage. No, that's different. If you're a comedian in London and you go, I'm going to the Soho Theatre to perform and write,

that's absolutely fair enough. No, I've sat on stage in an empty hot water and just wrote. What? Yeah. Just like taking it in i don't believe you the room talks and it's got walls honestly it would be one of my favorite things to walk in

adam mike at one side laptop just like like angela lansbury you're a cunt yes just just dealing with ghost heckles oh fuck your mom now come on that is pretentious as fuck going to the theater like but they've got the little bar i do get it what i would love to do though right is just to go in the soho theater bar one day and just invite everyone who's in the bar on like a tuesday afternoon to one in the Soho Theatre bar one day and just invite everyone who's in the bar on like a Tuesday afternoon to one of the Soho Theatres and do this podcast.

Do exactly what we do to the people who tend to sit in the Soho Theatre bar. Oh, they... Do you know what? They'd probably enjoy it. They'd probably enjoy it. To a point. I think they'd find it quite problematic. No, I don't know. I think they'd find it quite problematic.

I don't know. I think they would. No, yeah. Maybe. But she'd be on after us. And they all drink red wine as well, no matter what time of day. Even if you don't like it.

And they've got fucking leather shoes. Tories! If you don't like red wine, no. I'll have a red wine. Red wine. Tories are the exact opposite. They're leather shoes Tories if you don't like red wine no I'll have a red wine red wine Tories are they the exact opposite they're children of Tories future Tories

I vote green actually yeah because I actually find some of Jeremy Corbyn's past indiscrepancies quite problematic too

I don't know what they are but I've been told they're bad I actually voted for an independent I voted for an independent because right my vote matters my vote matters and it doesn't matter if they're not going to win i'm i vote for the policies of the person that's what i do i vote for who i want and who i believe in it doesn't matter that they're not going to win it doesn't matter that might as well

just wrote it on some toilet paper and shut it up my ass it doesn't matter because it's my vote you could argue that's the lib dems as well isn't it yeah it toilet paper and shut it up my ass. It doesn't matter because it's my vote. You could argue that's the Lib Dems as well, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Again, we're back to the point there should be two parties, the Tories and the not the Tories. If you're a Tory, you're a Conservative. You vote for them. It's fine.

If that's you, that's you. If you're anything else, you should be in the party of not the fucking Tories. Not all these like, oh, Labour, Lib Dem, you know, Green, Plaid Cymru. And to be fair, that's a bit different, but just everyone should be the not Tories. We've got a major problem with this Scottish independence vote.

Scotland, I know you want to leave, but don't leave because if you leave, we will never win an election. Every Labour win, every Labour government has been because we won Scotland. Without Scotland, the Conservatives will rule for so fucking long. Scotland, don't leave.

Don't leave me, girl. Liverpool might go with Scotland. It's not how it works. What do you mean? There's a big gap in there. You know, devolution isn't going to be just everywhere. Liverpool might go with Scotland. It's not how it works. What do you mean? There's a big gap in there. It's not... You know, devolution isn't going to be just everywhere. Like, the Northern Independence Party.

Yeah, but we might go with Scotland. Right. I've seen it on Twitter. Yeah, did you? Yeah. Scow Scottish Twitter. Scow Scottish Twitter. You don't want to fuck with those guys.

Can't understand a fucking word. But yeah, I think Liverpool might go. So we'd become a Scottish like city you want to be a Scottish city I don't I don't I just don't want to

you just don't want to be Scouse don't you want to be the independent island of Scouse yeah but like we haven't got enough oil for that have we

so we need Scotland loads of oil in Scotland as well there is lad lad we be independent fucking tomorrow right if we be independent fucking tomorrow, right?

If we had some fucking crude oil, some cunting crude oil. That's why I'm saying, Daz, you need to get digging in that fucking garden. Get under your nan's fucking patio, lad. As soon as you find oil, we're free of fucking bojo. Yeah, we would go independent if we had, like, oil. That's all we need. That's the missing piece. I love it.

If Dad's actually fucking struck oil, fucking next day turns up at the fucking pub dressed as a sheik. What? I'm a fucking oil baron. Joe, it's funny. If the police or the government find drugs in your garden, it's yours. But if you find parent Joe it's funny if the police or the government find drugs in your garden

it's yours but if they find oil it's theirs yeah I've seen that on Twitter it's funny that like little little joke

drugs yours oil yes right mom get it are you okay

you think are you daydreaming about like Scouse independence Adam's like I don't really want Right. Mom. Get it? Are you okay? Are you daydreaming about Scouse independence? Adam's like, I don't really want to joke about this because one day, one day we will. I think we will one day be independent. Yeah. We will, yeah. Okay. Be a great independence day film, wouldn't I?

Have you, is this, has there been any traction with this or are you starting the movement right now? No, like we talk about it sometimes, don't we? Yeah. In the film. I think we'd rather be Scottish or Irish. Scotland English, aren't we? I identify more with my Irish roots

than the English ones. Until the World Cup. Until you're at passport control and then they're not as keen. It's British. British passport. You don't have an English passport. No.

You have a British one. Don't you leave as well? Yeah, we should. Then everyone that's not a Tory in the country is proper fucked. All you need then is Sunderland to leave as well, the independent island of Sunderland. And that's it.

Boris Johnson's children will rule for many a terrible year. Because of this podcast, me and Carl got connections in Liverpool. We'll just get you and Laura. Citizenship. Citizenship of Liverpool. Yeah, but that's what a lot of people, non-Tory's going to think in England.

And then there'll just be floods of immigrants from England trying to get into Liverpool. And then Chippy Tits is back against the wall. He's out of prison. He's like, fucking build a wall! Build a wall! And it'll be me, won't it, at Runcorn, trying to smuggle through in the back of a transit van.

Please, please, I want to come to Liverpool. Why have you got that accent? Would we have a citizenship test? Trying to swim the Mersey? What would you ask Dan to... How would you get in? What, the Scouse citizenship test? Yeah.

Citizenship, citizenship. It's the one. Shitty, shinky, dip. Who is the best person of all time? Oh my God. I can't believe for a second. The question is the most Adam Rowe question ever. Is it Adam Rowe, lad?

Yes. And my sister, my daughter would be like, Adam Rowe, lad. So she's in as well. Laura's not keen. I mean, maybe it's time for Laura to be gone. I'll get the green card um but i actually got nervous before you asked the question i was like fuck dan compete here you need that citizenship who is the best person in the world ever yeah go on is it you no it's not me what it's not steven jellard

who's the best person in the world ever yeah are we talking about a single person or are we talking about your nan one person but not like a

the royal nan yeah no more questions answer answer the question this is a citizenship test you can't ask me questions I'm asking you

Finn do you know Finn DeLoe I don't know go on just have a guess no point saying you don't know you're going to fail I've podcasted with you

for a year and a half I think you think it's you Vincent Papalachy it's Tinhead from Brookie it is Tinhead from Brookie Tinhead from Brookie yeah

I'm not getting in am I no another one who's the second best person in the world ever I love how you you did a little giggle

while you're asking the question uh ray quinn is the wrong answer finn mrs tinnard fourth mrs tinnard there's no mrs tinnard was he not married no mrs potato head mrs potato head take his stuff off heidi from the sugar babes heidi from the sugar babes she was quite fit to be fair she went to school and there was also muttier from the sugar babes and and was quite fit, to be fair. She was quite fit. She went to school. And there was also Muttia from the sugar babes and she looked dirty and I just,

honestly, for the whole of her being a pop star, I was like, she takes it up the Muttia. Is that at all? I don't know. Finish this sentence.

I'll blow your ma's head off with a... I'll blow your ma's head off with a with a simile come on you should know this one i'll blow your ma's head off with a yeah but if you do it in an american accent that makes it we met him last night that will come to that i'll blow your ma's head off with a bazooka nearly there no really it's a shotty i'll blow your ma's head off with a bazooka. Nearly there. No, really? It's a shotty. I'll blow your ma's head off with a shotty.

We paid him a fiver. What is that? We paid him a fiver last night to make that. Is this, is that a skouse video? A YouTube. It's not two pints of lager again,

is it? No. Is that the final episode? There's a lad who says, I'll blow your ma's head off with a shotty. I'll get it up for you. We saw him in town last night

and paid him a fiver to say it on video. So I'll slide the ma's head off with a shotty. I'll get it up for you. We saw him in town last night and paid him a fiver to say it on video. So I'll slide the video in here. But we've got a video of him saying it. Put it in the back. Don't take the fucking piss. I'll get me ma. You'll blow your head off with a shotty. That's the original. Nah, don't take the fucking piss. My head. Me she'll blow your head off with a shotty. That's the original.

Nah, don't take the ball. I'll kiss my head. Me ma, I'll blow your head off with a shotty. We got him in town last night. My ma. No, so the original is I'll get me ma

to blow your head off with a shotty. But he said it another time. He said, I'll blow your ma's head off with a shotty. Yeah. He's just a man

who's just a man of threats yeah and we we seen him in town last night and we said oh lad will you just say it for us and did he

we paid him a fiver oh god he said a turn of affairs that's like a live cameo yeah fucking hell he was literally just screaming in the street wasn't he yeah

yeah and he's going to be minister for working pensions or defence that work as well yeah He's literally just screaming in the street, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah. And he's going to be Minister for Work and Pensions. Or Defence. That'd work as well. So who's the government? Who's the independent, you know? Where's me coat?

Well, we can't even get a mayor at the minute, can we? So I think it's going to be hard to elect a Prime Minister. I reckon we should just, like, not have a government. We are the world! Do you know what i mean yeah do you not think the world would be better without government with a king no just like no one's in charge right do what you want don't kill anyone just live by the 10 commandments no we had this conversation once and you said they should dissolve all borders they should in like in an ideal world there'd be no borders would they i mean borders they should in like in an ideal world

there'd be no borders would they i mean so in the ideal world there'll be no pain it's just a pointless hypothetical in it no because pain is part of your body isn't it like we've set borders they're not really there yeah yeah yeah but i should in an ideal world there should be no borders i should be able to go to Afghanistan. Right. Freely. Do you know, when there's borders, that's not one of the borders that's a major problem for borders.

There's not like, Afghanistan, like, we've got to build more. This is very difficult. So many 29-year-old Scouse comedians trying to come into Afghanistan. They come over here, stealing our... Bazookasookas bazookas no but like you should be able to go anyway shouldn't you without like someone being like you're not allowed in here because we've decided that we've drawn a line here this is the most hippie you've ever sounded you're right of course yeah that's the ideal and there should be no murder and everyone should be dead nice to everyone it's just not how it fucking works is it

america's gdp is twice ours and we're like five times the rest of like gross domestic product like they're they're what they're individually worth is so much like the wealth in america and then we're like half of what they is it what is it per capita when when it's your sort of the wealth of a nation is is now that's gdp that's gross domestic products isn't it per capita is so what basically what every citizen is worth just averaged out they're so fucking rich 66 000 like compared to us which they're like we're half of that and then there is 90 of the world is just fucking poor that's why borders exist in it if there wasn't any borders would those people still be poor because they could just go to america then yeah do you know what i mean

if there's any republicans watching they literally just jizzed with anger. What the fuck you talking about, boy? Woo! But like, that's... I think the world would be a best place without borders. Have you had a pill? Has he had a pill? When you went out last night after the match, I know you got knocked out of the Champions League.

Did you say you'd deal with it by taking ecstasy for the first time? Because you've gone all cuddly. You're like, lads, I just think, although Scousers should be an independent country, apart from that, everyone can do what the fuck they want as long as no foreigners from fucking Lancashire,

from fucking St. Helens, come in our beautiful country. No fucking wolves. Build a wall. No. We're a very welcoming city. We're a very welcoming city. We're a very welcoming city. Apart from?

No. Anyone's welcome as long as they're willing to live under... Let's make me prime minister. My rules. There you go. Just a matter of time. It took you eight minutes

to get connected then. The drugs are wearing off. No, no. I don't think there should be a government... Maybe a king. Who's to say who'd be the best king? I would. And I came up with it, so I'm the king.

And I'll get my ma, she's dead, to shoot you in the head with a fucking shotty. Oh, well, let's say I was the king of Liverpool and we go independent. Yeah. Just say to some people, right, you're the farmers, right? You do the farming. And leave it at that.

Where's the farmland? This is when you invade. You literally invade Lancashire. We need farmland for the independent country of Liverpool. There isn't any farmland. We're really built up shit. We're invading fucking witness.

There's not that many people, so we could just use parks as farms couldn't we like Sefton Park then not into a farm what are we farming what are we farming you're not trading

with England at all are you in your head you're not trading with England I reckon we could be self-sufficient no you can't

as long as we find oil where kids in Liverpool like mum I don't want any oil for breakfast well King Adam found oil and until he finds

fucking land for carrots and potatoes you're eating oil you little shit all hail King Adam he is the king I did the fucking did you see that

I changed it into a wave because I was like oh shit he's getting deja vu this is one of his wank fantasies like oh god do you know what I mean

who's your queen? Me missus. Oh, come on, bro. I've got to get... No. Oh, you don't marry for love when you're the king. It's a political thing to strengthen the union. You need to marry a blue.

No. Yes, man. That's what good kings do. You can bang your missus on the side. Every other king in history has sort of failed, haven't they? They were never really that popular. What? What did you just say?

They sort of failed. No, some of them died. Some of them were very successful. Every king in history has failed. Why? Because they're not still king. Pa, deal with that. Can't argue with that.

Henry VIII, if he was that good, he'd still be alive. No, but he was a gobshite. Born in 1492. He was a dickhead. He chopped women's heads off because he couldn't shit out boys. The most reductive history lesson you'll ever hear in your life. And that is going to be part of the syllabus in King Adam's country. Henry VIII, nonce.

You go, to the farmers right you make some bread and that yeah baker you farmers are making bread

no it's different people they're farming the wheat farmers you make bread fishermen we need kites I'm not playing by anyone's rules

I'm the king and I'm not marrying a fucking toffee. We need minors. What for? Nursery care. The fuck? Farmers? Bread?

No, you misunderstood me. No, I didn't. Very funny, but what I meant was you're the farmers. Very funny, but what I meant was, you're the farmers. Very funny, but... You do the farming. I'm sorry, King Adam. Very funny. Very funny, but actually, in all seriousness, Dan,

an independent kingdom of Liverpool really needs some... You're the farmers, you do the farming. You're the baker, you do the bread. Oh, well, that makes more sense. That's what I meant. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah.

Can I have a beer? And then, you know, what else do you need? Fish. Fish. Meat. Transform. Why don't you just admit that you want to be Jesus, just get one of each and start twatting them out?

No. Yeah. So we need some farmers. We need the bread guy. Are you? What's going on with you? You're obsessed with farmers. Because I keep having to go back to the start, aren't I?

Okay. Okay. So we've got the farmers. I'm sorry. What have you got? Farmers. Right. You've got the farmers and the?

I've got the guys doing the bread. Bake? The bread guys. Bread guys. Farm guys, bread guys. Fishermen. Fishy guys. Yeah.

Yeah. The farm guys can double up and do the meat as well, can't they? No. Because they've got the animals anyway. No. What do you mean? Well, what about the butchers? What do they do?

They sell the meat once the farmers. So we need some butchers. What about defense? What? Defense. Offense? Defense. Defense. Defense. Defense. Oh. the farmers so we need some butchers yeah what defense what defense offense defense defense defense oh as in like guns and that i don't i don't want to fence around the city we're welcoming you want to come in come in have some bread that's all we've got and kites we've just freshly

grown bread the farmers have been plowing the fields, planting bread, watching that bread grow. I don't know how to make bread, but they'll know, won't they? Yeah. So what have you got? I've got farmers. Integral. Farmers. Bakers.

Fishers. Fishermen. Butchers. Butchers. How are you getting your oil? What? How are you getting your oil? Bruce Willis.

You need Bruce Willis. This is where we're going to do something. Bruce Willis. You need Bruce Willis. This is where I can undo something we found oil. You know what I mean? Right. So what's the oil for? To make money. Right. To put in the tractors to get the bread.

Yeah. So you're self-sufficient. Yeah. So how are you making money from the oil? You're selling it to anyone else? Yeah. All right. Why do you buy the oil? You're selling it to anyone else? Yeah. All right. Why don't you buy the bread with it?

Because. Scouse bread for Scouse people. Scouse bread for Scouse people. All right. Racist bread. Right. So then I reckon once you've got the farmers and the bread guys, right? Once you've got them in place, people won't even have to work.

We can all just like play footy and just have a nice life because we've got the farmers doing that got the bread coming yeah any doctors there you go because carbohydrate and footy isn't going to keep a city of about

three quarters of a million people cooking we'll have some doctors, some surgeons and that. Essential workers. Key workers. Key workers. Right. Bakers. Key workers.

Yeah. Farmers. Got farmers. Got the bread guys. Postman. I want to know where they're farming. Sefton Park. There's a gaff sitting in the pools of farmers.

Allotments. There's loads of allotments. Oh my God. Don't even need farmers. Everyone gets an allotment. Unless you live in a flat and I'm allowed farmers for them. So you're really self-sufficient.

You've got to grow your own food. Yeah. You're going to be a popular king. Of course I will. What? No one has to go to work anymore. Get the fuck out of my cabbage patch. Yeah.

No one's going to come into my cabbage patch when they've got their own cabbage patch are they the only people reason people go into cabbage patches because they haven't got one of their own i love it how you said it like you thought like i was raised thinking that it's all about cabbage patch independence yeah everyone makes their own scram got a few doctors in there we got police no no please don't need it because everyone's got their own cabbages what do you need police for there's so much cabbage crime right now and that's you know once everyone's got their own cabbages and allotments like we don't need police do we because like we'll just be sad with each other and if it ever kicks off we will self-police

so you've been in football off or're just going to have teams of farmers that are like the heroes of the day. We'll have to start competing in the World Cup, won't we? Because we're going to be a country. We'll be Liverton. Everpool. Or Everpool.

Probably be Liverpool, you know, because that's the name of the city. No, it's not. What's this? It's called Gaff. Do you know, actually West Derby,

the area I'm from, is actually older than Liverpool. West Derby was there first. know, actually, West Derby, the area I'm from, is actually older than Liverpool. West Derby was there first. I know, I saw it on the map once, actually. It's random that you bring that up. I don't know. Lord Sefton. So that's where I'd live.

I'd live in the Sefton Arms. Your palace. In West Derby Village. Your palace. The boozer. The boozer. Right. But, like, I'd live sort of...

I wouldn't rule like kings have before And like our current queen does I'd want people to think She doesn't rule She's completely just You know what I mean no She's got a throne She rules with an iron face

She's got the throne and the hat I'm not doing any of that I'll just be wearing trackies and You know what I mean Yeah I'll be bouncing around king of Liverpool With me North Face shorts on. Of course.

Yeah, get me legs out. Yeah, because you're a man of the people. Yeah. Now, what are you going to do if someone comes for the throne? Because you've got to protect the throne. Jay-Z and Kanye told us that fucking years ago. What? Are you going to have a King's Guard?

I just feel like no one's going to want to change the leader because it's going to be... I think you'll be dead in four days. Why? I just feel like you're a very sort of... No, because Liverpool's quite a sort of fair city. So I think if someone come for the throne, everyone would be like, what are you doing?

We've all got cabbages. The farmers are cracking on. Why? We're playing footy. Back to the farmers. Yeah, we're all playing footy. We've got bread. We've got a cabbages. The farmers are cracking on. We're playing footy. Yeah, we're all playing footy. We've got bread. We've got a World Cup coming.

We've got bread. Why would you want to challenge King Adam? Like everything's sound. Like they'd just look stupid, wouldn't they? For like attempting to take control if everyone was happy. Because I feel like everyone's going to be happy. So we haven't got a guard, that's all. Can you legalise drugs

yeah right I'm moving to Liverpool I'm going for my because it's time innit yeah you need to make some extra money

and maybe actually we'll get those farmers really working yeah some of the farmers are in Liverpool some are in Sefton Park

some are in the allotments at the top of the flats some are working away in Bolivia. Keep it fucking quiet. Oh, but like, maybe I'll make it mandatory

for everyone to try drugs to see if they like them. You know what I mean? Yeah. And we'll start at like the top and work down so you find what you like.

So we'll go, do you want some smack? Always with the heroin. Heroin. Straight to heroin. And then people will be like, not for me that can't you work your way up

you have to work your way down I think working your way down is better right because you don't want to increase someone's tolerance because maybe you start it weird

maybe you could work your way up to heroin but if you have heroin you're like not for me then you try crack right you try crack next that's the history of heroin

throughout time loads of people going oh woo nah do you know what not for me try crack next that's the history of heroin throughout time loads of people going oh woo nah do you know what not for me not for me next

watching your grandad try heroin for the first time like well you know I like a pint of mild I'm gonna say heroin not for me

then they try crack if they don't if you're into heroin you stop there there you go get a smack head now Then come down to crack For the next

Still not good Bit of coke Maybe that's their thing After coke You know down to You're generating money from it For the kingdom You're generating money for it

Aren't you I reckon we give the drugs away Right People just get drugs People just get drugs Yeah If they want them Oh man

I am Honestly Because I know King Adam After I get to work at the palace You're not Isn't it a palace People just get drugs Yeah If they want them Oh man I am Honestly Because I know King Adam After I get to work at the palace You're not He hasn't got a palace I haven't got a palace I'm living like everyone else

This will be the royal podcast Won't it Yeah So basically be like You know You could be his jester This is our new version Of a press conference

People will tune into this To find out What's going on Use yeah Free drugs I'm in Listen lads No more speed limit Go as fast as you want tune into this to find out what's going on. Use, yeah. Free drugs. I'm in. Listen, lads.

No more speed limit. Go as fast as you want. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. When everyone's got free drugs. When there's only 10 doctors. Free drugs. There's four doctors, 42,000 farmers,

tractors fucking everywhere. Souped up fucking tractors. What's that, lad? John Deere, you fucking everywhere. Souped up fucking tractors. What's that, lad? John Deere, you fucking pussy. And if you're willing to farm for us, you can pick the colour of your tractor as well. We'll be like... We want you to feel comfortable in your tractor. Who's building our tractors?

What? Who's building our tractors? We've got Jag, haven't we? We've got Jag, you're a lamb rover in the field. Really good practical save there, Carl. Carl was trying to trap you and I was like,

well, we've actually got a, yeah, we've got an option there, Carl. Everyone's got Jaguar tractors. Jaguar tractors. Really nice,

yeah, yeah, yeah. I honestly don't see why this wouldn't work. You keep talking and it's starting to sound more and more fun.

Yeah. So, I still think you need to marry for position like so many kings have done throughout history Sam just you know

she's not going to be enough I think you need to unite the city you're a red you need a blue who's your famous Everton queen is there any

Amanda Holden Amanda Holden Liz McClarnon who Liz McClarnon and Tom McKitton Tom McKitton right

or Nicola from Girls Lab but I don't know who she supports but I reckon I could talk her into just winning an Everton top every now and then

Amanda it's going to be Amanda Holden Amanda Holden's a blue yeah is she from Liverpool she knows Les Dennis though

oh yeah she's not from Liverpool is she oh can we give Les Dennis a position in the Royal Court because come on he's had a hard time hasn't he

he can be my arse he can be my arse come on bro oh god what did you do last night this has been the most mental fun

we got fucked up Matt Damon's a blue he isn't though is he be a queen Jennifer Ellison there you go phone we got fucked up my demons are blue he isn't though is he queen jennifer ellison there you go i had a calendar when i was a kid you know like the titty calendars that this is jennifer ellison this is genuinely true thicker than a snicker my nan got me a jennifer ellison calendar for christmas. That is... Weird, innit?

Do you know what? I don't even know if it is weird. Look how fit she is. Was. She's very Pamela Anderson. She's like a scouse Pamela Anderson or was back in the days, wasn't she? I came all over that calendar.

No, you didn't come on the calendar. I did. Adam, why the fuck is April stuck to me? You dirty bastard. No, I didn't. Bank on it until the last day of the month. Crossing off the days. And then just one big target. I'm not even messing.

Fuck you, June. On the last day of the month, I'd... You're not even messing. And then I'd stick it. And then it'd stay up it was in your bedroom it wasn't like the kitchen calendar we've missed another gas bill you dirty bastard yeah i used to wank on the last day of the month how old were you it's the way right it's the way you call bullshit he's like i'm not even messing

he's such a good liar but he's like no i'm not even on me fucking life yeah it was a leap year i remember that you missed the calendar sorry it was a leap year because i remember getting to the 28th of February looking forward to me wank, and then I was like, oh, I've got to wait another day. That's a calendar-based wanking joke. Not loads of them.

Have a look around the internet. But he's King Adam, and he can do what the fuck he wants. Order! Order! I've got a gavel as well. Kings need gavels, don't they? Nope.

That's judges. I'll judge as well. Kings need gavels, don't they? Nope. That's judges. I'll judge as well. Oh, okay. King judge. Take back your city! Basically, it looks like the court in The Dark Knight Rises. Soundbane. You think farmers are your ally?

Yeah. You merely adopted the farm. I was born in it. Molded by it. Yeah. you merely adopted the farm I was born in it roasted by him yeah but I reckon I honestly don't see why I couldn't rule a country

especially a small one where you can keep an eye on everyone you know what I mean did you have a good night last night yeah we got pretty fucked up last night can I can I come drinking with you can I come drinking with you please you I come drinking with you, please?

You're obviously good at drinking. I would like to. Adam and Carl went to watch The 40 last night and had a beverage. And sometimes when people come in the studio hungover, it makes me go, is it going to be good? Is it going to be one of the good hangovers?

This is one of the good hangovers. There's some hangovers where you can tell people like, how are we still talking? Today was borderline magical and he's not trumped. It's amazing. Where did you go? What did you do?

So we went to Johnny Bongo's Gaff content to watch the footy. Big screen. So if you're looking for somewhere to go in Liverpool, open air

while the restrictions, just go and see Johnny Bongo's Gaff. At the Baltimore Market. It looks amazing. It looks like a great place to watch football. open air while the restrictions just go and see Johnny Bongo's cafe at the the Bolton Market it looks amazing it looks like a great place to watch football that was great

Johnny sorted us out as well because it was sold out and I texted him and he was like how many for he sorted us out we love Johnny Bongo

what were you saying when we had the sing along we had a sing song in wherever we were at the end we were singing Margaret Thatcher songs oh yeah yeah

and it went off yeah maggie's in the mud in the mud maggie's in the mud maggie's in these weren't even born when she was prime minister that's how much she's hated we the day she died we went out and like literally news coming that she was dead and I rang Carl and said let's go to town and town was shocker town was the best it's ever been

Pot World was phenomenal that was our Jack's first ever night out we took our Jack with us because it was like you know what the witch is dead

let's her let's use Jack to it was like fires it was like genuinely like the end of the world in town like a Champions League win

imagine what that was like for our kids. And I've got no sympathy for them, I don't care. But imagine watching a nation celebrate your ma's death. I don't think, if you live in West London, you'd have seen much of that. You've got a flat in Mayfair or Knightsbridge. I don't think there was loads of people starting fires in the Liverpool top on the streets.

I don't know. I don't think they would loads of people starting fires in the Liverpool top on the streets like I don't know I don't think they would have been aware of it really they're from a different fucking planet almost aren't they yeah

I suppose but it was great wasn't it where was the last cafe wasn't it Maloko Maloko I think yeah it was like indoor outdoor wasn't it

yeah the time is now Maloko yeah going low Maloko yeah going low Maloko down in Al Capone

go nailed it stay and that's the national anthem so another fucking another box ticked the national anthem

would be place your hands by reef no it wouldn't it'd be show me love and there's not even a question oh yeah it would be actually show me love

yeah yeah it'd be great watching the players sing that pretty much wouldn't it if you're looking for devotion talk to me come with your heart in your hand because my love is guaranteed so baby if you want me you got to show me love give it to me Give it to me Oh mate

Let's Let's throw a line under that Which was just An emotional rollercoaster An absolute treat And Are we going to change the vibe Of the adverts Carl?

Yeah We're getting a bit We need some new sponsors by the way Oh yeah We need some We don't need them But we've got some advertising space opening up. So if you want to sponsor the pod,

haveawordpod at gmail.com. Yeah, because we've got Supreme CBD. We've got Beer 52, but we've been using those on and off for a long time. And we know yous are all getting bored of it. We've had some new sponsors come in over the last few months. Obviously, runs come to an end. If you are interested,

get in touch at haveawordpod at gmail.com talk to me or Adam and also if you have not signed up to Patreon fuck me, you are missing out on the lockdown lock-in that came out on Friday. So you

can still watch it now. There's another two lock-ins. There's Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz but this one this third lock-in was special special patreon.com

slash have a word pod see you in a bit hey listen to this this podcast have a word yeah is sponsored

by beer52.com and we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor. And I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate.

Okay. What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world. Different themes every month as well. You might get a month worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers that you've never heard of. And here's the best thing, because you're a listener to this podcast, not only do you get a free case of eight beers and

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slash weird right now and get yourself some bevvies for nothing you got some fucking questions for me I have I have

my neighbours had an absolute Benny what's a Benny two nights ago the fucking level of boot off what's a Benny I'm kind of glad that

we're doing it at this point in the pod like a kick off an argument why is it called Benny though full when people have a Benny.

Benny McCarthy. He used to play for Blackburn. Yeah, yeah. He was an honestly angry man. Oh, yeah. Awful. 23 caps for South Africa. 14 red cards.

Certificate. That's true. So he's had a Benny McCarthy. What's happened? Oh, they've had a Benny McCarthy. So, this could cause shit. I'm not going to say anyone's name

because this is a public episode, isn't it? John and Hilda. They're all John. Yeah, John and Hilda. Next door. Young couple. Are they?

Yeah, just got old names. The other night, it absolutely booted off. The daughter's got COVID. She's come back from uni and got COVID because she'd been doing what the fuck she wants and then she's got the rona. Fucking dick.

Is that how you get it? Yeah. And what a, me and Laura were like, what a fucking terrible time for someone in your household to get the rona. The day of,

hey, restrictions are easing. You can go to the shops again. You can go and see your friends again. You can go to a beer garden. Mom, dad, I've got the fucking Rona. And they've got to isolate for 10 days. What a kick in the dick. You don't have to, though.

You could just, like, ignore it. Right, okay. And just go and spread it. Yeah, but, yeah. Okay, yeah, you to though You could just like Ignore it Right okay And just go and spread it Yeah but Yeah Okay yeah You could You could But

Don't know why people Haven't been doing that They have Obviously If you're not a fucking psycho Then you are gonna Isolate to a point Aren't you

At least till you've got a test I just feel like What a stinking time To get someone in your house Going Sorry It is great though innit when

the neighbours are arguing and you can hear it so they're not an arguing they're not an arguing family so if it happens all the time like we've all I have lived next to neighbours

I remember Lee Martin my old agent I used to stay at his house sometimes when I was he just needed a place to stay he was like stay at mine quality his neighbours were such fucking bellends every time he stayed and he wasn't even like times when i was uh he just needed a place to stay he was like stay at mine quality his neighbors

were such fucking bellends every time he stayed and it wasn't even like at night it'd be in the morning at 10 a.m they'd be having absolute murder and you're like this isn't fun it's just horrible it feels like you're living two meters and a wall from a hate crime but when it's like your neighbors who don't argue loads like me and Laura we'd gone to bed separately and we've got kids and it was still so entertaining that we weren't asked about it I was like oh my god oh it's about to go down

and you could hear it and then I could hear all the voices doors going and I was like I don't give a shit I've got to go and see Laura and we just stood doing that thing of like oh shit what were they saying? I couldn't make out but just

whenever I can hear what they're arguing about though I always want to get involved and tell them who's right you want to sit in judgement on the argument I just want to be like you're being a dickhead he's reacting to you being the dickhead but once you've got up to the screaming stage

and it's 10 to midnight on a fucking Tuesday there's no neighbour can come in and go guys guys I've put the kettle on and I'll be your independent arbitrator you know like my dad called me the other night because him and my little brother were arguing and he asked me to go round and judge you

oh that's a poison fucking phone call isn't it he was like you wanna come my dad was hammered and so was it he was like you wanna come my dad was hammered and so was Jack he was like you wanna come round there and I went why

and he went I can't tell you until you get here but you need to come round now we need a referee but he was breathing heavy so I thought

he might be having like a heart attack or something so I drove straight round I only live two roads away anyway and yeah they were both just hammered. There was water all over the floor

because Jack had stumbled and kicked the dog's bowl. And he was calling my dad a knobhead. My dad was calling him a knobhead. Saw some house. I went, no, it's your problem. He's a little gobshite. And you let him live in your house? Family.

Are they all right afterwards? Are they all right after a Benny? They're all right in like the they get on no no but i mean they get on with it and they're not like leave my house forever no he does do that my dad will kick jack out for a day and a half and jack will go and stay in two mates then come back and go i've got loads to go so i'm just come back here it's kind of healthy though i know ideally you don't get a phone call going could you come around here and play judge and jury on a fucking pissed up argument but i had an argument with my stepmom four years ago via facebook messenger and initially comments that then went to me sending her an email going this is what's happened can i get a bit of clarity i think you've been a bit out of order i've probably been a bit out of order she phoned me absolutely fuming and i haven't talked

to her in four and a half years she hasn't met either of my children because it got that bad it's just like that's that's less healthy than like you're a fucking sick head well fuck off and fuck off see him day and a half. And then you're all right. No, but he doesn't bring them back. I'm like, oh, just forget about it and come in. It's like, right, well, fucking get upstairs and shut the fuck. And then they'll have another argument three days later. They're like a married couple, me dad and me little brother.

A really toxic married couple where there's been infidelity. Yeah, because. And domestic violence. Because your brother's seen other people. Yeah. Which is pretty healthy. Yeah. Yeah. Have is pretty healthy. Yeah. Have you got bad neighbours?

Have you got good neighbours? No, my neighbours who I love, who've lived there since we have, have just told us they're moving out and we're gutted. Oh. Because we don't know who's going to be moving in. Yeah.

Bit of a roll of the dice, isn't it? It's the connection to our, it's like the, semi-detached, it's the other part. If you could pick any type of person to move in, no? Deaf and blind.

Deaf and blind? Yeah, on his own. Why? Because there can't be fucking noise every time he gets up to make a cup of tea and knocks something over. Why? There's nothing to do. Yeah, you can't see where they're going.

You can't hear it either. Just deaf. Just deaf. Well, I'd like to say that I disagree with this humour, personally. I'll just apologise. Okay, good, good, good. I'm sorry. You can't even hear hear anything Non-dog owners

I'm throwing that out there I know You all like dogs But There's some sound Dogs knocking about And then there are Some spanners

Who bark at four in the morning For no fucking reason Yeah Are they still going? I'd quite like A wealthy black businessman Go on Right I don't see many of them Round my mind I'd quite like a wealthy black businessman go on right

I don't see many of them around my mind so just be a nice change you want your neighbours to be like the the quota on mock the week you want to be

a bit more inclusive on the cul-de-sac yeah oh god there's a white family apply but we're not interested they're Keith

the wealthy black businessman who is Keith, the wealthy black businessman. Who is the wealthy black businessman in your head? Is it the boss from Peep Show? No, he runs a pharmaceutical company. Yeah? Yeah. He runs the whole thing? Yeah.

And he lives next door to you in West Derby? Yeah. A small pharmaceutical company? Ken's Drugs? Worldwide. Oh, it's a worldwide pharmaceutical company. He's the CEO. Keith, yeah.

Keith, the CEO. And he lives in West Derby in a three-bedroom semi. Yeah, because he's not superficial. Right. He likes to keep himself grounded because he started from nothing he grew up

with a single mother in Old Swan in Liverpool so he's moving on and but he knows he wants a limit on it like he earns

with bonuses £9.2 million a year but he's not interested give or take yeah he's got a nice car he lets himself go on holiday

a few times a year how much is he paying fucking national insurance though yeah that's the question pays all his taxes on time overpays sometimes what

just to be sure right he's just a really nice guy oh yeah he sounds yeah scouse is he yeah

and every now and then he knocks on your house and cleans it for you is he single what single he's single are you trying to fuck

an imaginary black businessman? What are you doing? You sound like you're in love with him Well he's a nice guy Is he? Keith Fucking salt of the earth Do you know what I mean?

I mean if he was a farmer He'd be the Is he Rwandan? No He's Scouse He's from Little Swan Yeah Like heritage wise

His grandmother Was from Jamaica Oh His grandad was from Canada. Not Jamaica. Yeah. The famous Canadian Jamaican. Went for Canada, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Why not? So, where did they meet, his parents? Canada or Jamaica, or did they meet in Little Swan in Liverpool? Old Swan. Old Swan. Old Swan. Where's Little Swan?

Doesn't exist. Alright. They were both on holiday at the Grand Canyon. Cool. They asked each other to take a picture. Like, he was like,

you take a picture of me. He'd come down from Canada, she was up from Jamaica. Yeah. And he was like, will you take a picture of me in front of the Grand Canyon? Any others know about?

No. They didn't know about. Pink crude. That's really unnecessary, Co. And then she's How did they get to Old Swan?

What? How did they get to Old Swan from the Grand Canyon? Plane. Right. Insane. Absolute insane.

Yeah, they moved to England to pursue a career in botany. Adam, they moved to England to pursue a career in botany. Adam, do you remember the original question? Neighbours are murder, aren't they? Some neighbours are murder.

Moved to England to pursue botany. Sometimes he bullshits beyond his ability. Adam, what is botany? Plants and that? Nailed it. Good save. Fuck you. Can tell he's been little swan. Plants and that Nailed it Good save Fuck you God damn

Can tell he's been Little Swan Erm Yeah Keith That's who I want To live next door Right Keith If you're out there

And you exist And you're half Canadian Half Jamaican Your parents pursue botany In the old Stroke Little Swan area Of Liverpool You are the head

Of a pharmaceutical company But you're looking For a three bedroom semi In West Derby. Get in touch with Adam. He'll sort you out. I can't sort them out. I don't own the house.

Next door. Sean McCauley says, do you think the audiences will be easier to offend post-lockdown or just glad to be at comedy shows. He says, P.S. Paddy the Baddie was a sick episode. You need to get Molly McCann on next. She's funny and she could better rowy bags with her eyes closed.

I think he's basically wants a woman to twat. Oh, better. Oh, he wrote better, but it's better. She could better him you bested me woman you bested me madam touché

Keith we will get Molly on sometime is she a UFC sorry a mixed martial arts fighter she's in the UFC she in the UFC yeah

is she Scouse yeah Meatball Molly she used to work on Subway yeah she's a regular hot water as well her name is Meatball Molly she used to work on Subway she used to work with M regular at Hot Water as well. Her name is Meatball Molly.

She used to work on Subway. She used to work with Mermaid Stay in Subway. That's her fighting nickname is Meatball. Yeah. Right. Are you bullshitting? Right.

Sure, yeah. I feel like I feel like I've missed out with the Paddy the Buddy episode. So, do you think the audience is she looks dead hard? She's not as clean.

And she's in an Everton top. She's your queen. There we go. She's a lesbian. Queen Molly. Yeah, well you have to marry for politics, you know. It's not all about romance. Sorry, Molly. Alfie Brown sort of touched on this on his episode, didn't he? He said that he thinks audiences are gonna audiences are gonna have gotten used to the fact that they're watching

stuff online and immediately going no i don't like this and be more like that in a comedy club i found when we got that sort of window mid-pandemic where we got to do gigs again i found audiences being a lot more lenient because I think they're sort of like, people are dying every day. Him saying midget is not a problem. Also, this is the dream, isn't it? With podcast and you're doing TV work and you're building your sort of profile,

the dream is to get to a point where the people you're playing to know you and know your shtick. So they go, we're going to go and see adam rowe adam talks about stuff that a lot of comedians don't feel comfortable talking about and i like that it's it's like when you're watching the bill burr specials you can hear in the audience when he finds his crowd so those ones that are like 10 years old, there are several points where you can feel them back off because he's talking about race.

And then even, I'm sorry you feel that way, when he's in the purple, like it's the purple background one, which is the one that starts about thinking about getting a gun. He does the Rihanna bit about, do you think, oh no, it's not. You people are all the same. You people are all the same, that's it. I'm sorry you feel that way, it's the black and white one. Right, really you people are all the same that's how do you feel that way is the black and white right so you people are all the same he does the rihanna bit about what do you think happened before chris brown chris brown and the crowd go

and he has and he's so used to it you can tell on stage that bill burr's like what i do in this situation is i play fun, play around with the people who are sat back going, no, Bill, you can't talk about this. And you can, as a comedian, I'm sure as like a punter, you can hear it. You can hear him trying to go, I've still got you. I just need to pull you in a little bit.

And then by the time you get to Sorry You Feel That Way, the black and white one in Atlanta, they are egging him on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no bit where they're like whoa they're like we like it it took him years to get there but he's at the point where we can call atlanta's racist in their own theater and they're like yeah like that's an amazing place to be it look i'm sitting over there just drinking a cold drink lemonade Lemonade was made for the white man.

Yeah. Which is going into Atlanta, which is Georgia, isn't it? It's like the South and fucking poking fun at like a really treacherous part of their, part of their history.

And they're like, yeah, it's Bill, isn't it? Yeah. 10 years, 10 years before that playing a club in Atlanta, you're not opening with that shit.

My favorite bit, one of my favorite bits of Bill Burr is, do you remember the one he's done in a comedy club in Atlanta, you're not opening with that shit. One of my favourite bits of Bill Burr is, do you remember the one he's done in a comedy club in Philly? Yeah. And it's listening to Bill Burr Emotionally unavailable. Turn into the comic that he wants. At one point, towards the...

I've just got it on audio, I don't know if it's a video. It's not a special, it's an album, yeah. There is a point where they start doing the tills. You can hear the cash, the person just being like, it's the end of the night, I where they start doing the tills you can hear yeah the cash the person just being like it's the end of the night i've got to cash up and the microphone one of the microphones is near the till and you can hear just going like mad and listening to parts of it are just circuit comedy and other parts of him going no this is what i want to talk about yeah i want to talk about race as a white guy i was on the fucking chapelle show if that isn't a blessing from on high to be the white guy that talks about race it's like when we have a shannon and we make

sort of racially intensive jokes it's because you've been given a bit of license on the original ishan is chapelle isn't he that's what we say basically um on the original Ishan is Chappelle isn't he that's what I was saying basically on the original question I don't really care if audiences are easier to offend or whatever

because people in public aren't very vocal like what'll happen is if someone's

difficult if someone doesn't like what you're doing in a comedy club it's not like online where they go

this is against everything I believe in they just sit there with a face on and if someone's like being miserable just like not enjoying it but if someone's like no not for me i quite i get like a sort of yeah sadistic enjoyment out of that i'm like ah but that will happen less and less as you build profile yeah because people in an audience will be like oh no we get what adam does we know what he sort of thinks so that'll happen less like brennan had that clip recently like people think it happens all the time it doesn't it's

usually just one person that's just whatever taking offense in anything if it's just one person and they get a little bit mouthy about it the rest of the crowd understand the deal that is stand-up they know it's a rhetorical performance and if someone tries to shut it down it's bad form i just like oh my god bit of croak um i just don't care like if you don't understand what i'm doing up here to the point where you can sit there and go this is not okay then you're not important to me in any way your your opinion is so has got such little value in my eyes that i don't care if you're upset it'd be annoying if it was happening all the time though wouldn't it but it doesn't happen all the time if it was happening all the time then you've got to look at yourself and go am i doing something wrong but if it's actually the instance you go i know what i'm

doing there's 200 people laughing at it you're the dickhead yeah that's the other thing by the time a bit of material has been honed and practiced you're not like fucking annoying people regularly because you just learn when you're like that needs to be a little jab that's a little jab they're on board a big punch line when when you've got a new new bits of material and you'll see it when you do if you're coming to adam rowan friends when it's new bits of material comics just don't know where the lines are and it's so funny they let the undersell one thing completely lean into the wrong thing then i think you need an audience who there's a bit of trust there. By the time some Karen sat there going, I think this is offensive,

you've smoothed it down. You know how to sell the bit and it usually makes them look wrong, doesn't it? Absolutely. Dan Johnson says, I'm trying to think of things we haven't covered as an OG word as original. I want to know know you've both had

a decent chunk of time in your life spent doing comedy and i know you both love it have you nearly thrown in the towel though if so how close did you come um has there ever been a point where you've had like a gig or a drive home, anything that's made you go, am I doing this wrong or do I even want to do it? No. Like, just, I know it's a boring answer, but it's just no. Like, I've started doing it, got obsessed with it,

and I've got this thing, if I'm good at something, I'll just do it forever. Or, like, I want to be the best at it. Do you know what I mean? If I'm not good at something, I stop it immediately. I've I want to be the best at it. Do you know what I mean? If I'm not good at something, I stop it immediately. I've got no interest in getting better at it. But if I'm vaguely good at something, then I'll do it forever.

It's like at school, I put everything into doing maths because I was the best at maths in the whole school. We were talking about this last night. Me and Josh, who's a major man in cars, who we were out with last night. When we were in little school, we had we went the class had maths we got taken out of the class because the maths that our class was doing was just too low level for me and josh so you had basically a special class yeah but not but the right way yeah not because we were thick it was they're too good for years so you got like some personal teaching yeah and so because because i from a

very young age was good at that that's what i just for my whole life just did that i didn't care about english or anything you must have been so annoying to teachers though because if you have to be pulled out of a class because you're exceptional at one subject i was only in school they know you've got the smarts to do other stuff well like that's when teachers get annoyed isn't it when you're like oh they're really trying and good at these things and then others like nah not asked the thing is i was still in top set for everything without trying like i was we've spoken about it a couple of times i'm i'm adam was at school. I didn't do well at school. I was decent at school. And he'd be a great king,

and he would ride sharks if he wanted to. Were you in top set then? I was in top set for some stuff, and I was in some second sets for other things. I was always in and around that level. I was a B student, basically, and that panned out was a B student basically. And that panned out in my GCSEs.

Got a couple of A's, mainly B's, couple of C's. That's how it looked. I was, again, I didn't try loads. I wasn't the hardest working. But when I got my head down and enjoyed something, like it was effort, isn't it? That's the thing. Talent is one thing and ability and intelligence is one thing. And then there's effort when you've got both.

Oh my God, are you away? Like if you are super talented at something and you're the hardest working, you might end up being one of the best that there's ever been. Yeah. If you like, you can do this for comedy, because we know comics who you watch and you go,

you've got magic. There's magic as I watch you. Even new comics, some more experienced comics, but you're like, I feel like I could name names, but I had a pint with a more experienced comic

who was, when I started out in 2002, was a headliner. Only like five, six, seven years older than me. And he was incredibly talented when he started out and just doesn't do the work. And he, in a quiet moment, we had a few comics drinking

and he was like, you know, I've loved watching your career progress last five ten years he was like you've done fucking great this is before the podcast and he was like just dead impressed

and I was like cheers mate that means a lot because the people who were on a pedestal when you started out are always important to you aren't they

yeah yeah yeah you look up to them doesn't matter how it pans out you're still like I remember looking up to you so much you're one of them what

you're one of them yeah oh from when when I was when Adam started comedy and when I got into comedy I remember looking up to you so much. You're one of them. What? You're one of them. Yeah. Oh, from when I was... Well, when Adam started comedy and when I got into comedy in the other side of it. Yeah. You were up there.

Yeah, because I'd just been going around a bit. Yeah, it's funny how you always have a little special place in your heart. There's loads of comics who you are that for, though. A big part of that is because you host Beat the Frog twice a month. Yeah.

And also because I took the... I tried to take the time to be sound to comics. I don't like comics that are dickheads with younger comics because I think it's irresponsible because you remember how important it was to those young acts. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I just feel like I've lost the... In this conversation we were having, he went, I feel like I've lost the love for it a little bit.

And I just thought, because I had a pint, I was like, I'm just going to say what I think. I was like, you haven't love for it a little bit. And I just thought, because I had a pint, I was like, I'm just going to say what I think. I was like, you haven't been doing the homework, mate. And he went, it's just this really weird moment where he could have seen his arse, I think. But it was quite a, like, we've always been mates. And he went, no, you're right. You're right. I went, you're the most talented,

naturally talented comic in the northwest but you just you just don't do the homework you're the kid that doesn't do the homework yeah and he went yeah i know what you mean and that is the that is the fucking truth you get some talent and work like i remember watching john richardson when he started and i was like fuck mate this guy is naturally very very good and before a gig when we were all dicking around John had his notepad out and he wouldn't join in not they wouldn't join in but he was clearly at work when we were all like and look where John Richardson is I know it's an extreme example incredible talent plus the work

and look at him go and then you get guys like that who i i think there's a load of those in comedy and you've got to be careful for it ability and talent and getting paid pretty well to do circuit comedy is good but you need to do some work you need to turn over the stuff challenge yourself a little bit. Otherwise, it just all goes a bit flat, doesn't it? It does. You've never had a flat spot. That's why that question, when I put it in the prep, I was like, I don't think Adam's going to say yes in any way

because until you hit a flat spot, you're moving forward. And I've had a few moments where I'm like, where is this going? So you have had a couple of times where you've gone, maybe. So I've tried to change things. I've done five full Edinburgh shows. I did two package shows back in the day. Package. Package shows.

Package shows. Package. And I've tried to change my material and do different stuff, but there's not only, like I first gigged at the Hi-Fi in Leeds in 2002. One of my first gigs back in May is the Hi-Fi. It's 19 years of doing the same room.

Fucking great gig, by the way, if you're in Leeds, run by a promoter who runs great gigs. But if there's a few times where you go, ah, it's a bit flat, and you can't help but go, where's this going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're the only times there's been a few when I've gone,

what am I doing here? And it's usually because I'm driving back from a gig that I didn't want to do in the first place. That's where I try and pull those out now. Just don't do those gigs that make you feel sad about comedy yeah i know what you mean i am i think i've met i've mentioned before that i like that there's sort of no end levels of comedy do you know what i mean because you can always sell a bigger venue and you can always sell you can always do another thing that you

haven't done yet you can always do a a special that someone hasn't really tried before you can always get an acting role because of your comedy there's always something else to reach for and that's why i love it because if there was ever a sort of and now you've completed it i'd i'd just be bored having said that i'm going to contradict myself here i've started certainly pandemic wise has sort of taught me to do this just love doing it just because i love being on stage and because i've missed it so much i genuinely think if you went to me you get to play hot water once a week for the rest of your life but you can't do any other gigs i could live with that just because i just get to do it there's no more progression you just get to stand on stage and

talk shit for a bit like i i do understand that sometimes you drive to a gig that you've only talked because you're like it's 200 quid and i need the 200 quid or i should go in 200 quid or whatever and you're driving back and you're like it's a shit they're horrible and they'll always be horrible do you know what i mean they'll always be shit but just shout out west midlands sorry there's some gigs that i've done in the west midlands where you're trying to find it and you're like where is stour bridge the drive's not a lot of fun there's like gigs in wolverhampton and by the way i'm not slagging off these places but when you're from the Northwest, there is a particular type of... When you drive past Stafford services going,

fuck, I wish I was doing the Glee in Birmingham, and you drive back going, that wasn't worth the drive. It's those gigs that grind you down a little bit. They're just dull and they ruin your experience of it, but when you're a working comer, you sort of have to do them. When it's like, that's the one night this week, one of the three nights this week where you're going to get paid 200 quid, you of have to do them when it's like that's the one night this week one of the three nights this week where you're going to get paid 200 quid you've got to

go and do it i just can't wait to be back on stage talking shit and getting a bit of money for it yeah you can make your own challenges then can't you if that happened and you didn't progress and you didn't get to bigger venues the way to not stagnate is to change to challenge yourself within what you're doing so it's not always about bigger venues it's about do you still love the stand-up you do there are comics that have never played more than 150 people who love their comedy doesn't almost doesn't matter what the outside world thinks of it like i remember seeing schultz say on i think it was his first joe rogan appearance when he was like i always wanted a netflix special or a hbo special or i thought i did but then i realized i just want

people to see it it doesn't matter where it is i just want people to see it and it so it really resonated with me and that's you know we put a special out last year i'll probably do another one next year like you just want i've got a little platform now and we were talking before about how many times we got stopped on a night out last night because of this podcast and you know like if my if my platform and my following stayed exactly where it is now forever golden i'd be dead dead happy because i can go to fucking tesco without constantly being oh you're the comedian you're the comedian we get you know people come up saying nice things on nights out and whatever. But I can make something now and go, yeah,

and 30, 40, 50,000 people will watch it. And sell a few hundred tickets. Yeah. Fucking miles from where you work and live. You don't gig around the South do you but you can still sell tickets down there yeah we'll sell a few and it's just i just wanna um maybe i did take a pill last night i just feel really grateful at the minute that i get to do what i do we talk about it all the time me and carl there's just moments where someone will tweet a quote from the episode

and it'll be so nonsensical. And I'm like, we literally get paid to drive to a science centre in Runcorn just off the M53 and talk shit for a bit. And then I'll get to do it on stage again in a few weeks. And I can feel myself. I don't mean this the way it comes out out but i haven't really got the words i can i it goes back to the um get an offended question in a way as well i really don't care anymore about like it not being perfect do you know what i mean like in the past i've gone on on a new material night on a wednesday done one new bit that hasn't worked, and I've gone, ah.

I've just done 10 minutes of stuff that I already do because I'm like, I just want to smash it. And I'm not there anymore. I want to get better, and I want to go on stage and go, here's what I think about this. And I think doing this podcast will have really benefited that because we make each other laugh, but we talk in here sometimes, like we are now,

to no laughter for a little bit. And I think i'll be a lot more comfortable on stage with just talking until i find the funny having an opinion and weeding out the funny yeah yeah i'm looking forward to exciting i'm looking forward to the challenge of putting a really i want me the next hour i take on tour, and these are going on sale soon, but I've got club gigs booked until the end of the year. I haven't got a weekend off that I don't want to have off now. I'm fully booked.

It's great. And I've put one Sunday a month in a hot water in the little room to just run the hour out. Whatever stage it's at, I'll just go on and talk for an hour. And I want to get that hour to take on tour and

then film to be something i'm really genuinely proud of i want it to be something that i would watch not just something that i would put out which is not the same thing but that's the great thing isn't it because this because you now can look at a diary and go what gigs help develop that what are the gigs that are going to hold that back they're out they're gone any any day i never used to do new material nights because i was like i've got i'm fucking working five nights a week six nights a week i can't give up at night for a new material night they're half of my diary now yeah because i'm like that's so much better so much more conducive to interesting comedy hot water bring it on, mate. Wednesday at hot water.

Wednesdays are hot water. Tuesdays as well. But it's 12 minutes from my house, hot water. I can have a full night in with my girlfriend, really, and go and do hot water and try a newbie. Yeah. I can... Is he having a shit?

Is he doing 10 minutes? Exactly. Who knows? There's definitely been times I've gone for the shit and it's lasted longer than half an hour. There just is. There is. And so I can go to hot water,

do a 10 minute test and be back in about 45 minutes, including parking. Like, I genuinely think I could say to Sam, I'm just going to pop around to my dad's for the minute and I could just go to hot water

and she wouldn't know the difference. Bring it on, mate. If everyone could stop licking everyone, that would be great. Oh, lick who you want. I'm fucking bored of it now. Really don't. Lick whoever you want.

Don't. Against their will. Because... Lick people in the street. We want to be able to do comedy. We will be. We will be. Yeah, but don't lick strangers.

It's all going to be fine. Please. No one's arsed anymore. Okay, let don't lick, strangers. It's all going to be fine. Please. No one's asked anymore. Okay, let's see how them pans out. We've got a legal haircut today. You're looking smart. Legal one? Royal.

I've had five. You've had what? Five haircuts this year. You're a shit. Can we, we've got lunch. We've got to get some lunch. It's, look. Okay.

Scram time. Okay. And then we've got Chrissy Washington. to get some lunch it's look okay scram time okay and then we've got Chrissy Washington Chris Washington fucking love that man beautiful see you in a bit

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more often. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Back to the pod. Let's watch Chris enjoy that coke. Have another swig Chris, go on. Oh man. Have I ever told you that I was once asked to be in a porn film? Really? I was once asked to be in a porn film? Really?

I was offered a role. Chris Washington's here, by the way. I don't know why him drinking a little bit of Coca-Cola made Adam go, porn. Because the Diet Coke habit was playing in my head. All right. You know... I don't want you.

11 o'clock. Yeah. You know. Took his top off. Let's check out the hunk who's fucking mowing the lawn. That man was objectified. It really was. And also, not a really good representation of lawnmowers.

No. Because around the heath, I've seen the guy that fucking mows the lawn, and he is not. Was he a lawnmower man? I thought he was a window cleaner. He was a window cleaner when he saw mows.

Oh, is there not a lawnmower advert as well for Diet Coke? That's Ron Seal. I don't want you more ladies. He's cleaning the windows

on a big block of... There is a load of the Diet Coke adverts. It wasn't just one cleaning windows advert. I'm sure there was a... Wasn't there a gardener no

is this just my gay sexual fantasy yeah oh I love can you have a dream oh yes it was a museum curator one

yeah it's a landscaper oh god oh look at him with topsoil I would have a wank if landscapes could just finish on time

so is this what happened then? You got asked to be in a... I got asked to be in a porn film. Oi, Chris, do you know when you said it and you're like, how does it go? This. Trying to work out if Adam is gaslighting you.

That's the whole podcast. Yeah, there's a girl called Reed Amber. She's a very sex-positive person. Yeah. On Instagram and stuff. Reid Amber. Her first name is Reid, her second name is Amber. There is a porn star called Amber Reid, though, isn't there?

Yeah, it's not her. Right. It's a different one. Reid Amber. Yeah? Have you got her, Kyle? I have, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's very sex-positive. She is. What do you mean? She's like, I like dicks in my pussy and that's fine. Right.

So her bio... She's just a vocal slag, basically. Yeah, essentially. Her bio is sex, nudity, and mental health anti-shamer. Yeah. She's an ethical slut.

Well, she will not enjoy being called a slag by me. No, no. It says... I think she's... It says pansexual, dyslexic, ethical slut. she will not enjoy being called a slug by me no no it says pansexual dyslexic ethical slut oh yeah I didn't mean it

in a like a but it's basically like someone owning their I like sex yeah she's like non-monogamous

she's got a body friend but she's they do whatever they want and she she texts me one day it's his face

she texts me we don't have that in fucking gold you get married at 12 she texts me one day. It's his face. She texted me one day. We don't have that in fucking Goldberg. You get married at 12. She texted me one day and said, do you want to be in a porno? Right.

And you. Is this recently? I was 18 months ago, two years. Oh, really? Yeah. And Jade was well into it. I just like,

I did run it past her, but I didn't really want to do it. Right. It was a non-sex role. Oh, okay. I had to fix the washing machine. Honestly. Come on, bro.

Yeah, she asked me to be a non-sexual, but it was a paid role. Extra in a porno. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the mark. She looked at me and was like, he can be in it. No, he's not fucking leaving.

This was a porn. Adam comes to fix the washing machine. She goes, fuck that, and just does a big wank, and he leaves. Do you believe me? No, of course I don't, Adam. You're a silly person. What was that bullshit? No, come on.

What? What? Look, that's her. Hi. Yeah? Hi. Hi, mate. We're looking for extras for our next porno film

to be on camera giving cunnilingus advice this is a non-sexual paid role so I was supposed can I have a look at her paid though paid

and I had to be there going lick it like this lad you look great why did you say no to that whatever you do I didn't get that far

I said I'm gonna have to say no to that mate but thank you meets equity minimum would you have done it no I don't like being on stuff man you don't like being on stuff well it's good it's good to have you here no i mean this is all right like uh no i i wanted on it no i don't like nay not not for me what do you don't like you do like being on stuff you've been on stuff you don't you're not you don't like the idea of porn being on stuff. You've been on stuff. You don't like the idea of porn?

Yeah, I'm not into it. I wouldn't like to be in a porno. Is it even like a flirty postman or something? You know the role. No, no, I wouldn't do that. I don't like anything like that, me. I'd like to be in Corrie i think one day your soul carter hurts as well do you not even do you not like porn it's i mean that's probably as much as the

next guy but i don't i just you don't want to be in it yeah no do you know what i mean yeah to be fair i've never watched a porn and been like oh man i love that I wish I could have been an extra. Would you have said yes? I'd have been intrigued to see. I would have asked more questions, certainly, but I wouldn't have gone with it. Right. Just to find out. I love gut knowing. Is there a rider?

Yeah. Do you know when you go and look on, like, Rightmove at Houses You Can't Afford, or you go on a job website and you find out how much a dentist gets paid or something? Right. right i just want to be nosy about it but i wouldn't then i'd then say no thank you not for me is that what you spend your time doing like checking out the salaries of jobs you haven't got i do like looking at stuff like that and houses i can't afford that is oh yeah that's classic right isn't it like that is. You put in what you can afford, then you're like, oh, this is really boring.

1.6 million. Tell you one thing I do that I stole from you, which is I like going on celebrity lookalike websites and just seeing the people. Yeah. Can you get one up

and put it on the telly? Yeah. Can you get it up and put it on the telly? Just pause the other. Fair. Pause. That's what the telly's for. Is the telly just pause the other fair pause that's what the telly's for

is the telly on no can you go on google this is fantastic this sort of stuff one of my search like

have you got a favourite one Chris there was a Les Battersby one once about 15 years after he left Corrie he follows us what

the real Les Battersby yeah he follows us on Twitter, the podcast. Yeah, he listens. You need to get him to do some promo.

On Cameo? I'm sure he'd just do it anyway, wouldn't he? I don't know. Didn't he get like... Sounds like they're trying to...

Some of them are so bad. If you can hear a weird rumbling sound, they are mowing the lawn outside that's ironic that isn't it Diet Coke man

it's like you it's like you've manifested it do you know what I mean Jesus Christ it's like a flyby fuck off that's him

that's the fella there third one along third one him Les can you just can you just go on like lookalike websites

like hire a lookalike because some of these people look absolutely nothing like the people they're supposed to be. Some great Matt Damon ones. Yeah. That's a good Ramsey. Oh, Brett. I always see that guy doing David Brent. Always?

What, like? Like, he's on, like, I've watched programmes about this as well, lookalike people. There was a documentary on it about it once. Harry Potter. Oh, my God. Would you ever hire

someone like this for a party at yours, Dan? I'd love to, you know. Is that meant to be John Cleese? Yeah. It's just a man with a moustache.

I'd love to just have, like, a, you know, like a barbecue in the summer. Kate Middleton lookalike. And just hire like three of them. Half the girls in the country look like Kate Middleton. Half the girls in the country? No, but I mean, she's such, like Kate Middleton lookalike is not a very specific. What would you use the queen for? Oh no, the queen would be good.

I'd love to just hire some for just like a random event, you know. Or just like get them round to yours and ask them for just, like, a random event, you know. Or just, like, get them round to yours and ask them to play FIFA with you. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Also, they've just got a picture. You can't be a Grinch lookalike. That's a Grinch costume. 513 quid, yes, as well.

Oh, fucking. Do you know what I hate, mate? You're right. When people completely model The self on someone And then you go to them Oh, you look like them And they go Oh, do you think so?

Cheers Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you've done it on purpose Yeah, like You've come dressed as them You're not bad Get that mic near you You've come dressed as them

You're not bad There's a guy who looks like The Stig Oh, that's a piss take That's a piss take. It's not. It's on our website. 513 quid for a guy with basically a race...

Yeah, a helmet, who's been on autosport and bought a fucking... George Clooney looks ill. That's not the worst George Clooney ever. Are we putting these... This is, by the way, if you just listen to the audio pod, this is a really annoying two minutes.

Sorry. There are some shit lookalikes knocking you out on this website. But also, they want a lot of money, these people, don't they? Yeah. President Abraham Lincoln there, as he was famously known, standing outside Westminster. I love the cameo ones when it's like old footballers and no one gives a fuck about.

Like, you want Matt Letizia to say hello to them. Matt Letizia is at least a TV personality now, though. But it's when it's like and he was, you know what I mean?

That's when it gets a bit more. If you're a bit older, Matt Letizia was a great footballer. He was like, yeah, maybe not a good example, but like, I saw the Marcus Bent one.

Right, yeah. Who would be the worst footballer you could think of? Because I'm getting you one For your birthday now Jason Lee Who's that

Exactly Used to have a pineapple on his head I don't know A goalkeeper probably Shaka Hizlop I'd like that Happy birthday from Shaka Hizlop I just don't get it

Like not They must make much money I know it's easy Fucking work for them So is this what you're On the internet Look at You do right move

That's pretty normal Yeah You get bored of looking at houses and you're like, listen, Becky, come and have a look at Mr. T. Takeaways as well, takeaway reviews, do a lot of that. A lot of takeaway, looking at stuff, reading, researching, finding stuff out, texting people who live in that area. For takeaways?

Yeah, man, love it. I reckon takeaways is probably the only thing that keeps me going in comedy, because I'm not a big fan of comedy really, doing that anymore, but going and travelling the country. Trying different takeaways? I'll do podcasts.

I mean, I do like telling funny stories and stuff. You pitched that, didn't you, as an idea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still a comedy central. It was Chris and Adam Rowe do the takeaway tour of Great Britain. We're just going to get a van and a producer with a camera and just follow us around, go on to all the best takeaways. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Seriously, right? I do. Amazing. Whenever I get these kind of opportunities to meet TV producers and stuff, they go, have you got any ideas? And the first thing I always say is, get me a fucking van

and get me around Great Britain with some takeaways. That's all I want to do. Where are the ones that you've heard of? Liverpool has got the best one in Liverpool. It's called Hot Chilies. Have you ever been? The one in town? A few doors down from Big Bowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I know. Is it really? Oh, mate. They make their own donna meat there and it's just out of this world go and try a palmo in in in middlesbrough done all them yeah that was that was i think i when i started gigging i found out about palmos before i gigged in middlesbrough then i tried to get a gig in middlesbrough after i heard about the palmo so i was like do you know

what i mean like a lot of amateur comedians like do unpaid gigs for a while before they get paid work you've already been doing this tv show before it's been commissioned exactly you've You know what I mean? Like a lot of amateur comedians do unpaid gigs for a while before they get paid work. You've already been doing this TV show before it's been commissioned. Exactly. You've been driving around the country using comedy as just like funding to try, take away. If you're not from the north of England,

again, we've got Zorin and Jilly B in Texas going, where's the Parmo? It's a pizza, but with chicken instead of the bread it's overrated man it's not it's not great food is it it's all right it's a bit like it's a bit of stodge but it's not it's not quality so tell me what it is well it's like breaded chicken right and then there's you know a parm have you had a parmo no it's deep fried breaded chicken with then like cheese and bechamel sauce bechamel sauce and pizza toppings

on top of it yeah it's just it's just like it's proper heart attack tackle but it's like deep fried calzone yeah it's like one of them things that they're famous for in teeside or whatever and it's like yeah it's not great and also one thing what fucking wines milk when you go there right go on chris take him down no but when you go to like i've noticed fucking the northeast really i'm sorry you've got listeners in in that area when you order a kebab in these places they give you a fucking build your own kebab kit it's not a it's not a kebab you you if you want a kebab you expect to get some kind of form of bread be it pita or naan or even a wrap

if you're on a diet right and if you're on a diet and the meat the salad the sauce wrap it up wrap it up that's a kebab innit and if you're and if you're a bit pissed and get cocky throw the chips in there as well roll it in exactly and. And now, what they're doing now, well, in them kind of places, they give you a what's-his-name? They give you a polystyrene box, right? And then they give you a little bag of salad. So you've got your meat in this box,

your salad in that box, and then some sweaty fucking pitta in a paper bag. To be fair. And I'm sat in my car, and I'm like what how do you want me to do all this now next to hot water

they've got Shiraz and they do it in one of those little serving boxes and I remember the first time I was like come on

just twat it all together but it works but giving you the pitta separate is just it's stupid just get it so you can eat the meat on top with the fork

and then get it to a point where you can just go right do you know what I mean I love how impassioned Chris is So you can eat the meat on top with a fork and then get it to a point where you can just go... Right. Do you know what I mean? I love how impassioned Chris is about fucking kebabs. Yeah, he's right. It's like you do like that the way I have a chip arm.

When you get a chip arm, you eat all the excess chips first, don't you? Until there's just enough left. Eat it as a butty. Do you know one thing that fascinates me about Liverpool? Carb on carb. Right, yeah, correct. I reckon you're gonna say that all chippies are Chinese

yeah unbelievable can't believe that how did I know that see because I think I've said it to you before maybe

all chippies in Liverpool are Chinese chippies it's just not how that's just not how it is everywhere else you can literally go in any chippy in Liverpool

and get a chow mein or a salt and pepper whatever do you know what I mean and where you're from it's not that much far away but it's chippy

and Chinese we do have Chinese chippies yeah right but it's all but if you want a decent chippy you go to

the traditional chippy but then there is some half decent Chinese chippies I'm not saying you know what I mean you're not saying Chinese people can't

pass it a fish hey no no you're doing a good job lads i just mean in liverpool that there's a few things with in food little things where they just do it differently in different places it is mad when you think about it like the chippy in in west arby village the village chippy is a chinese chippy ran by a Greek man. What's it called? The village chippy. Used to be called...

Used to be called... Do you know where the police station is? You're saying Comedy Central didn't commission this? You're going into a London studio with them going, so Chris, what do you want to do with us? Listen, it's weird. Powerball's shit. First one.

That's hack. Not doing it., first love. That's hack. Not doing it. Liverpool, Chinese, bam. I don't know what part of Liverpool I was in, but do you know where the police station is where they keep the horses for the football?

Will that be St. Anne's? St. Anne's, yeah. Is that near where you're on about? No. Oh, right, because there's a chippy opposite there.

Very good. Greek bloke has that, I think. Yeah. Smells delightful. But yeah, the opposite of a police station, dead good chippy, right, because there's a chippy opposite there. Very good. Greek bloke has that, I think. Yeah. Smells delightful. But yeah, the opposite of a police station, dead good chippy, right? Also, another thing, with these Chinese, we'll move on from this in a second, but some of them, they don't know the fucking prices, man.

I looked in, I asked for a pot of peas, right? In the Chinese, in the chippy section near me. Two quid? Two quid for a pot of peas? Nah, that's a bit much, that, isn't it? They section near me. Two quid. Two quid for a pot of peas. Nah, that's a bit much, isn't it? They just don't cost two quid. Someone needs to tell them

that you've got that price wrong there. Are you having a go at Greeks or Chinese people here? Anyone who's charging two pound for fucking peas, man. Capitalism. Two pound for, I mean, it was quite large,

but two quid. Two quid for a pot of peas. Two quid, though. Do you know what I mean? I'll add peas on top. That's an extra two pound. The Chippy and Dovey is also Chinese and used to be ran by a Greek man called George. And he is the father of my cousin's baby, but he lives back in Greece now.

He is the father of my cousin's baby. Yeah. Heidi from... My cousin. My cousin, Shag, the Greek fellow who ran the father of my cousin's baby. Yeah. Heidi from... My cousin, my cousin shagged the Greek fella who ran the chippy. Amanda Holden shagged...

Yeah. Yeah. My cousin shagged George. They had a baby. Did he ever step up? They're in sort of semi-regular contact but he lives in Greece.

He's paying child support and that's why he's put the price of his fucking peas on it. So if you need a reason for the two pound peas, pay for fucking babies. No, but yeah, so that's where I'm at really with food.

Like food. Like talking about food. I always go past takeaways me and I always just think that could be the best takeaway and I'll never know. I feel like I'm like drawn to them because I saw something the other day actually

and it was a video and they were saying the rules on a great takeaway and I stand by this is they don't deliver. Hear me out. They don't deliver. Oh, come on, bro. The fucking...

You know what I'm talking about. He said it last night, yeah. They don't deliver. They look shite. We said this last night. You look around. I've had to do the place up

because it's because it's exactly queues out the door there's no sign you just knock twice give a secret code it could be

the sign could be bust there's one of them fucking what they're called you know what I mean some old Chinese cafe

all that shit they're not doing it all modern they're not getting on Just Eat they might deliver a menu around the fucking town

every 15 years do you know what I mean that's advertising done then and then you just know do you know what i mean even and and the menu shit the menu is probably spelt wrong but and when you go in the rude the fucking yeah as well but you know what they don't take phone orders you've got to write to them by post i've just described I've just described my favourite takeaway that shut down the golden dragon in Goulburn it shut down Chris

unbelievable with it's marketing strategy of looking shit never opening not telling anyone about it being cunts to it's customers just a gravy yeah but they were

they were open they were fucking great they were open for about 30 years mate you name a takeaway that doesn't have to change its name in 30 years right okay because of the bloody

health and I think he even had a two one star I don't give a fuck about them star hygiene ratings mate they're good people and I get on with them

I'm going I don't give a fuck you don't give off a vibe of a man who's checking the health rating as they get no I really don't a one star hygiene

isn't that like they're literally cooking couldn't give a... That doesn't matter. That genuinely means someone gave birth on the kitchen floor. My favourite... No, not my favourite. Nicest guy.

I'm not naming him because I don't want to give his business back, but zero ego. And I still carry it on going because I like him. Do you know what I mean? Good lad. I'll give him another shot. Plus, I lost half a stone when I got fucking

squished but yeah no it's true though that innit the good ones don't have to put any effort in and then you get this other one like these

different ones we're on Just Eat we've got our own website we've done the shop with some fucking cladding and all that and you think fuck off

massive red flag is if the takeaway has got an Instagram account innit like if a takeaway has got it's own Instagram account that's a problem innit what do you think fuck off your massive red flag is if the takeaway has got an instagram account in it like if a takeaway's got its own instagram account that's a problem in it or you think that's like a bit too much like you know it's just like you don't need that to be if it's got neon lights on the floor do you like under the uh i know what you mean yeah it's blue do you just do you know what i don't like at a takeaway when there's like an english bloke

working there i'm not even joking i'm so like when i get to take i want it to be authentic takeaway when it's just like someone's dad called graham going you're all right what would you like i'm like oh i really don't feel like even though that's bullshit yeah i don't feel like it's going to be you don't say that often though in, in like an Indian restaurant, Graham in the back, like, all right, pal. There's takeaways, occasionally takeaways. Smaller the town, the smaller it's like. Most of it, more it's likely. When you're like, oh, I want to be, I want to buy kebabs off a Turkish guy.

Yeah. I was in a, I was in bloody, another thing, another red flag. I was in Wimbledon earlier, like last like last year doing some work no just just doing some just playing tennis yeah yeah yeah doing some work checking out some final wrecking some takeaways right but um i i saw this one and it said and these you see these more on holiday specializes in italian chinese and indian food and you're like, no, you don't. You don't specialise in that. You can't be all three.

And bread and drinks. No one who makes a good lasagne also makes a good balti. No, but that's... Exactly. But have you ever got something random from like... My cousin got a pizza from the Indian the other day. Right, yeah, yeah. It was half decent. I'm like, I just wouldn't.

Pizza's not that hard, though, is it? Yeah, but you would... There's that many places like, I just wouldn't. Pizza's not that hard, though, is it? Yeah, but you wouldn't. There's that many places now. You just wouldn't. 21 minutes, this section, and it was mainly takeaway. Yeah. That is a lot of takeaway chat. Look, Chris is like, I'm only getting going.

Just start it. And we've not even, what's in that polystyrene thing? Oh, that's from the. Chips and gravy from the cafe, yeah. Oh, right. What's in that polystyrene Thing Oh that's from the Chips and gravy from the cafe Oh right What's that like The Thank fuck it's closed Or it'd be

This would be the first podcast That was done remotely As Chris wanders off With his microphone You're quite vocal About the fact you don't Really like comedy aren't you Like you're not into stand up

No For a stand up comedian You probably watch The least amount of stand up Yeah I don't I don't watch it don't right

I like funny people mate I like funny people but most of the funny people I know aren't comedians they're just like me mates do you know what I mean erm I don't really watch

any of them American ones like when people are on about them I just don't have a clue they're talking like I was looking on the wall there I don't even fucking

recognise half these people who don't you recognise is that lenny bruce is he a comedian lenny bruce he was a comedian lenny bruce yeah he's still going doing really well kevin webster on the wall is it kevin webster michael labelle i know who that is yeah uh but no like i've not like bill burr and stuff like that i actually watched one of that guy, that Tom Segura once. Yeah. He's funny. I like him. Good lad. Tom's made it. Yeah.

Segura's finally made it. Yeah. Wash your nose, cut science, kind of nose. Bernard Manning, now we're talking. No, I'm just kidding.

No, I just, I don't know. I just don't like it really. I don't really. What is it? Have you never liked it? Why did you get into it then? Or have you gone off it

through doing it? I just like having a laugh, mate. I like, I like, I like real life funny. I like.? Why did you get into it then? Or have you gone off it through doing it? I just like having a laugh, mate. I like real life funny. But what made you get... I know this is the question we never ask, but as you've just gone, you don't like stand-up. How did you end up in stand-up?

No, because I like Peter Kay. I like Peter Kay and I like Kevin. I like funny, like... I suppose, yeah, I did like it. Do you know what I mean? I did like Peter k and manford and kevin bridges who are still all right i would like what like i would watch it do you know what i mean but i think with you guys and like quite a few other people like mates and stuff you kind of

it's almost like you you kind of graduate onto different stuff do you know what i mean you go oh well like obviously you understand you know no one's gonna sit here and go peter k's shit because he you know he's he's awesome but your taste you take but once you start doing it i think everyone a lot of people then go oh i like i've really got into this like like i don't you literally can't name anyone i mean why she can't name a more advanced comic because he doesn't give a shit? You know, like, comics will develop the taste and get into, I don't give a fuck, I don't even know him. Like Acaster or Stuart Lee or Kitson.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kitson. I've never watched Kitson and all that. I've never watched. It's just, I just didn't, I don't really. I like, I don't know. It sounds a bit, probably makes me sound like a bit of a knobber, but I just don't really, I don't know. It sounds a bit... It probably makes me sound like a bit of a knobber, but I just don't really like it.

I like sitcoms and stuff. I watch them. They make me laugh. Has this pandemic been bad for you, Chris? No, it's been great. You've got to do less comedy. I've got a dartboard at home. It's fucking spot on.

I've started a Patreon for me darts club. No, no, but in all seriousness, I'm not saying I hate it i just think it but like i watch my mates and stuff when i'm gigging and i enjoy that do you know what i mean i just don't watch it really i'm just not a nerd about it see like that's so far removed from what i'm like yeah i'm so obsessed with it do you who do you look so what do you love because sometimes someone will show me something and i'll say that's fucking mint mint. Like, I'm not anti-comedy. Do you know what I mean? Like,

Josh Shaw would have been this guy the other day, Josh Pugh, and he was called Rory Summitt. Rory Scovel. Yeah. Yeah, a medicine guy.

Yeah, yeah. A bit weird. He was good and then, see, I watched that Tom Segura, he was good.

I just, I don't know, I don't know, man. He's just, he's like, I watched, I read a thing once. good. I just don't know. I don't know, man. He's just... It's like I watched... You literally sound like someone at a comedy club going, yeah, I just come down occasionally.

Yeah. It's all right. No, but I do like doing it, though. Don't get me wrong. I like doing it. I've done like, you know, I wrote three or four hours of stand-up and stuff. I've done Edinburgh and I've done bits of it on the telly and stuff.

Do you think you're a bit pissed off with the... We were just talking about it before. Have you got a bit pissed off with the, we were just talking about it before have you got a bit pissed off with the circuit because when you've done Fringes, you got nominated for the newcomer a few years ago you've done full hour shows where some comics have been going 8, 9 years, have done

one maybe, you've done a few and you, every time, because we've been mates for a few years, every time you're getting a show developed and developing it for the fringe that's the most into stand up

you ever are see I like that I like writing it are you just pissed off with the circuit yeah maybe I don't write that's the thing

another thing is I don't write any of it down do you know what I mean I just think of it and then do it and then I've like four notes in my phone which is

do you do that as well exactly the same yeah so I'm not maybe a bit pissed I don't like shit gigs but I've like four notes in my phone, which is, do you do that as well? Exactly the same. Yeah. So I'm not, maybe a bit pissed. I don't like shit gigs, but I do like the circuit. I don't like some gigs where you turn up and you go, oh, I didn't expect there to be

a children's party on. What I'm trying to do for me. It'd be good if they'd clear the dance floor for you and we're going to pull out seats exactly all the way around the room and you can shout down this fucking microphone what costs two quid. Yeah.

I hate that. But no, I'm not pissed off of it. I actually like doing it. If people have come out for a laugh and they sit and listen to you, I love that. And I can... I hate MC... I never MC...

I've been thinking about this, but I was comparing... Sorry, I was thinking about how many times I've compared in nine years since I started comedy. I think I've done it about five times. Right. That's mental, that, I was thinking about how many times I've compared in nine years since I started comedy. I think I've done it about five times. That's mental, that, isn't it? It's becoming less and less. I've seen a couple of comedians on Twitter. Yeah, I saw that, yeah.

Phil Chapman mentioned it. Yeah, like the fees for emceeing is going down at like the small gigs. It's like 50 quid to em and then 120 to open. I just don't care. People always think that because I'm quite chatty and stuff that I would MC and people, I think, often assume,

and I just think, like, I just... It's just because we've got a fundamental misunderstanding of what MCing is, that though, isn't it? Because the chattiest comics and the most affable

are not necessarily always the best i just like talking and then getting off me i think i think one one thing that's really noticeable with comparing is when people try to do crowd work and they don't care about people yeah the best the one of the best compares i've ever seen is mark oliver who has been going since he started i think he started with rus Howard 20-odd years ago. And he's made a lot of his money from doing the warm-up for Deal or No Deal. Yeah, yeah.

Because it's filmed in Bristol. He's a Bristol boy. And I think, pound for pound, I know we mention a lot, like Paul's a great, but same with Danny, same with Paul Smith, and with Mark. When they're chatting to someone and asking about it, you can tell they really like finding out about it. I mean, at the end of it, they are probably going to take the piss a bit.

They're waiting for an in to take the piss, but they're genuinely interested in people and their lives and how they know so-and-so and what they do and how you ended up there, how big's your house. I think Paul genuinely cares, and I think Mark Oliver, I've watched him have these conversations. He finds the funny eventually, but it's really interesting watching him learn about someone.

If you don't love finding out about those things and you compare, it looks really soulless. I don't like it. That's why I don't do it. You used to. You used to do it a bit, though. You've done it. Everyone's done it a little bit.

I've done it because it was an easier way to make money because when you when you're first coming through up until recently which is sort of what I've just brought up

the compere was paid the same as the headliner but you did not have to be as experienced so I took a lot of compere because I was like I'd rather get 200 to MC than 80 to do the middle

yeah and it got me more work but I've never really enjoyed it. And from an arrogant, selfish point of view, it's because it's not really about me. Like, do you know what I mean? You're functional.

It's functional, isn't it? I want to do me stuff. I want to say what I think. And I think I'm good at dealing with the crowd, but I'm not good at comparing crowd work. Yeah, yeah. I'm good at it. I can do it, but I'm not like,

I'm good reactive, but I'm not like, I'm good reactive, but I'm not good proactive. Or as good as I'd like to be. And if the circuit is going that way, where compares are going to get paid less and less, there'll be young lads coming up and female acts. That's not like,

just lads. But there'll be acts coming through and they'll just go, well, fuck off. It's 50 quid to compare i'm just gonna apply to the sets every time it's gonna really devalue the comparing where it used to be the other way on a weekend night like jonglers used to pay the compare more yeah it used to be 270 to compare 220 to close i'd just get crippling anxiety if there's like a group of fucking

pissed people and then you've actually got to actively like jump in the middle of them and pretend you give a fuck about what they're doing. When they walk in and an act gets there late or he's been doubling and says to the compa, how have they been? And there is almost like a responsibility on the compa, like have you shepherded this night properly? I don't want to fucking shepherd the night. I want to do my bits. Yeah sorry to make it about I see it's weird that I've come on this

thing and I'm not into comedy and then we've just talked about it probably more than you have with any other guest I don't know I don't know we talk about standard all right but yeah no it's that's what we've never talked about takeaways as much as we've talked about... You've definitely... You're the absolute goat of takeaway chat, mate. I like comedy. I like... You're backtracking. I like thinking about it. I like the Chinese.

I just want to... You know, I want to apologise before this goes out. But I read something actually once. I read... Well, I didn't read it. I listened to it. Peter Crouch's book, Dead Funny. And he talks about about what's his name

at Spurs Asuokoto do you remember him and he was saying like have you ever heard this story about him Asuokoto is he a right back

or left back Benoit Asuokoto he's French he was basically saying like he didn't it wasn't from Wigan was it Benoit Asuokoto

he he weren't into he didn't know any footballers and then he he said I don't mean that onsoacotto he um he weren't into he didn't know any footballers and then he said I don't mean that on like a personal level like he didn't knock him out of any

of them he said we'd be like oh you need to we're playing such a body and he'd mention like I don't know Robert Perez he's like never heard

of him he said he had no interest in football outside playing it he liked playing it and you know but he said in terms of like knowing it he said

he used to turn up every day with a Costa coffee a can of coke and a croissant every day to training

do his bit and he said on his days off he said he'd just go sightseeing around London and stuff he said he just

not into it do you know what I mean enjoyed it like did it for his job but not really like you don't know football as well Benoit Asuakoto was on 40 grand a week

he wasn't shit he was like a decent Premier League player isn't Daniel Agger the same Daniel Agger is very similar to that yeah

just his job Olaf Melberg was the same played for Aston Villa and wasn't arsed about football didn't watch it just wasn't into it

when they've grown up with it though when they've had to do it from such a young age you must be fucking fed up of it some of them do you know what i mean so fed up benoit assoacotto of northwest comedy i'm sick of hearing it niche reference that so many like things though it's like, I don't know, famous ones, Eddie Murphy, Raw, never seen it. Do you know what I mean? I don't know.

Is that, just looking at that, is that another one he's done? No, that's the vinyl album of Delirious, which is the one before Raw, which he got in a lot of trouble for, for being a homophobic. I've seen Nutty Professor. That was all right.

Yeah, you know your industry, don't you, kid? You want to do more acting, don't you? I'd like to in the future, yeah, maybe do bits and pieces. I like writing. I hope you make it to Hollywood. Yeah.

And I want to come along for just one of those Hollywood parties when you're shouting at Michelle Pfeiffer about kebabs. It would be fucking huge. Michelle,

come here, love. You don't put the nan separate from the... Mr. Washington, this is your first lead. What would you like in your dressing room? Do you want beers?

Do you want... I just want a steak bake, please, love. I like my fries straight up, fucking curly. I want a Sky TV box with Coronation Street last week recorded on it.

That's the dream, basically. That's it. Get me to Hollywood and then get me some proper grub in my green room. Bob-omb. But yeah, I'd like to do stuff like that. I like writing. I write a lot of scripts and stuff. I'm working on loads of stuff like that.

So that's what I want to do comedy for, to write stuff more. Yeah. Do you find yourself, when you're in meetings with like industry people do you because you've not done it on this podcast but when i'm on the phone to you and i speak to you every couple of weeks yeah try it until you until babas came along and we speak a bit less but you swear per sentence more than anyone i know like and you've done really well on the podcast. Honestly, when Wash is on the phone, he's like, he can say fucking in a short sentence. You know, like it's a fucking, you know what I mean?

The fucking thing is, it's a fucking joke. And you're like, so you pour, to give yourself thinking time, you say fucking. You know, some people say, you know what I mean? You'll go fucking, fucking that thing, innit? You use fucking as a comma. I don't even know how to do that. But that's just me chatting.

I probably don't even do that on stage or anything. Do you know what I mean? I just fucking. It's exactly that. You use fucking as thinking time. Have you ever found yourself in an industry thing where they're like, we really like your script and it's so interesting hearing about the working class, you know, Northern.

Do you find yourself just being yourself or in the moments where you feel like a proper wig and lad? No, it's, yeah, I don't know. Like I can talk about swearing because I go and see my nan a lot and I can't swear there there do you know what I mean can't be effing and jeffing at my nan

do you not swear in front of your nan no no I wouldn't swear in front of my nan would I bloody hell why I've never understood the swearing thing I've never sworn in front of my mum

not once yeah I agree me and my mum will have a laugh swearing and stuff but my nan I wouldn't swear in front of my nan no I don't

unless I was safe why you would just chuck one in f-bomb if my nan was still alive I'd be like get that kettle on you cunt

oh come on talking at the moment mate my nan my nan I once called my dad a dickhead in like because she was getting

so wound up and me and my sister still reference it about 12 years later because it was like oh shit it was like a real drop the mic moment when my nan got so wound up she used the swear word dickhead because it was like oh shit it was like a real drop the mic moment when my nana got

so wound up she used the swear word dickhead because she was trying to be racy i still remember it as like oh my god that was so edgy she never swore we never swore i got told off for swearing as a kid so and me nan died before i was an adult so i never got the chance to swear in front of her really you never got the chance to call your nana a cunt? This one's for you, you old cunt! That sounds like it could have been the end of an Edinburgh show. Never got the fucking chance to swear in front of her. Just get her up on a projector and just go. This year's love it!

On a CD. The last! My grandad used to swear about the footy yeah it was like it was

before he sort of melted away with dementia like he what that's that that made my heart sad

that was I don't know if he did that on purpose but that was beautifully put together and massively tragic

he used to talk like we're talking like the torres area in liveville yeah and he'd always say the same thing he'd always say there's no fucking wingers he'd be getting 50 goals a season if we had one fucking winger that count he's a workhorse but he's not a fucking winger yeah it's it's funny like I I mean maybe you've got a different relationship but there is

like an age thing where I have to check if I'm swearing in front of them so it's the age range isn't it you shouldn't

really swear in front of young kids and you shouldn't really swear in front of old people I'm gonna give my kids license

to swear whenever they want I know you keep saying this you keep saying this honestly I think you'll think differently. But listen to this.

My mate is bad for... He's such a polite, lovely lad, right? But he's swearing sometimes. He just doesn't know when he's... I'll do it comfortably on the phone to you, but... No, it's the same place. I've got a filter. I know when I'm in McDonald's

and I'm sat next to the kids having a party, I'm not going to be fucking swearing. Do you know what I mean? I think everyone who's and I'm sat next to the kids having a party, I'm not going to be fucking swearing. Do you know what I mean? I think everyone who's not a psych-o, we walked past these two homeless people in Chester. One was going, fucking, fucking. And the homeless guy who was talking to him clocked Etta and went, lad, don't swear.

Yeah, exactly. So people do have a range. Surely they've got more important things on their plate, but he clocked a small child and went, mate, you're swearing too much. He's a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah. So people do have the filter.

My mate struggles with it, and also it just comes, and it's so funny to see him. And the other day, he picked me up on the front of my house, right, and he was driving off, and there's a bloke who lives three doors down from me, and he's quite grumpy, this fella, but he's just like a fucking grumpy old bloke there's not much harm in him and my mate like pulls off my front and he literally must have been going six mile an hour because he's he's pulled off the front and he's got to the front of this guy's house which

is three doors away when he's only driving like a bmw one series he doesn't drive fast and then he this bloke's like starts waving his hand at him as he's't drive fast and then he this bloke starts waving his hand at him as he's crossing the road and my mate thinks there's something up with this guy he goes

what's up pal to this old man this grumpy old man he goes slow down and my mate just looked at him and he's really polite

he just went wasn't fucking speeding you dickhead and drove off just straight away and I thought he didn't even think before he left his lips

do you know what I mean he just went slow down he just went wasn't fucking speeding you dickhead and drove off and I thought he didn't even think before he left his lips do you know what I mean he just went slow down he just went I wasn't fucking speeding you dickhead and drove up and I was like

oh god and you just called my neighbour a fucking dickhead and he's about 100 yeah but he was being a dickhead weren't he

I know but like you just allow a bit of grumpiness don't you just go I've got no time for that if someone's being

a dickhead I will call them a dickhead especially in public I know a really old man who lives like a few doors down from you yeah if he's being a dickhead I will call them a dickhead especially in public I know a really old man who lives like a few doors down from you

yeah if he was being a dickhead yeah old guys can be proper dickheads though but you do I just give them the benefit of the doubt a bit do you know what I mean

yeah because they've got to that age haven't they yeah that's basically when people are like how old do you want to live to you want to live to the age where everyone goes

oh I know they were just horrible and a bit racist but they're dead old oh they were really like they were just an arsehole to like a an animal doesn't matter they're old like that's the level of like living you want to get to where you get a pass for being a cunt basically i've seen carl completely lose it with people because you're very similar to me in that regard if someone's polite to me or to you you're dead similar to me in that regard. If someone's polite to me or to you, you're dead polite to them. And the second they're not, it's zero to a hundred.

And I remember being outside the Royal Hospital. Do you remember this? Vaguely. There was like a woman smoking, right? Right outside the hospital. So depressing. And I can't remember what you'd done. I think maybe like you sort of tripped and went near it or something.

And she went, watch what you're doing. And you went, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt. And I went, you can't just call someone a stupid old cunt. And he was like, well, she was being a stupid old cunt. And genuinely, from that moment on, I lived my life by that mantra yeah to me like politeness thanks yous and please is so important but if you cross you yeah yeah it's so easy just say nice one do you have someone like yeah in the car when you wave and you go past or oh nice one mate thank you it's dead easy and people who don't do it I'm like you're just being a cunt yeah I agree

you know what mate I'm probably I'm probably agree with you on that you've been in one of I've done a bit of a use well it's only because he lived

a few dollars down from me if he lived a bit further down I'd be like yeah you were spot on then but but if someone I suppose just being a knob does need calling out

sometimes doesn't it especially bad manners bad manners. Bad manners and, like, not saying please and thank you and all that. And just being rude. That's just not on, is it? So easy. Just go, nice one. Yeah.

And I think that's, like, one of the, it's, like, the first thing you learn in it. Please and thank you in terms of talking to people. I also think just calling someone a pillock as well. Using those swear words that aren't, like, on the face of it, dead offensive. terms of talking to people i also think just calling someone a pillock as well using those swear words that aren't like on the face of it dead offensive i just think that's also i kind of like that absolute wally that doesn't yeah you're a wally you're not gonna a wally yeah you say that to your mate when calling someone a wally are you do you know you say that to your mate when he's done something daft on a nice out don't you like you've lost your phone oh you're

wally yeah you don't say if someone's someone's not being a wally are they no one's ever being a wally I know but if it's about to kick off and someone hard basically in that situation could fucking lay into someone and goes

you're being an absolute pillock there's something almost like I kind of like the control of it where you could have started effing and jeffing and calling people cunts but you just called someone

a joey instead nah top shelf immediately what's you just called someone a Joey instead. Nah, top shelf immediately. What's the point of calling someone a prick when you can call them a cunt? But you're going straight to fifth, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. So there's nowhere else to go. There's just saying cunt more, isn't it?

Yeah. You're just like a cunt machine gun. Yeah. This one's not getting monetised, is it? Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Cunt machine gun. Yeah. This one's not getting monetized, is it? Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Cunt machine gun. This advert's for takeaways. Should we have an ad?

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All right. We are back. You've got a podcast, haven't you? Yeah. Okay. But he hates it. No, no. I hate podcasting.

No, I did it at the end of season one. It was being produced. So you guys do all this in-house, don't you? And I had someone else. Well, I was doing it for Radio X and just made everything a bit weird because with the global pandemic. I've heard of it.

Yep. Did they have it in Galbone? I said, set the alarm off when the podcast is mentioned. No, basically, it's a podcast. It's called Jobs are Good. And I actually love doing it. But I've just kind of, it's a bit like talking to comics about jobs they did before comedy. And when, sorry, i've crossed two stories

when the pandemic came global like had to like fucking i don't know they were hemorrhaging money or something and i was going to london every week and i kind of had to stop and then i didn't really like doing it remotely so i didn't do it so then it kind of was on a hiatus is that the right word i've never felt so lucky to have all the equipment sat in my spare room when that fucking when that hit and i did you just needed to buy one bit of kit and then you were set up because you also had stuff it was like oh and then you go on amazon you'd be like can i have a podcast recording equipment amazon was like dickhead no was all the stuff just unavailable it was just sold out instantly because everyone shat it and went we're gonna do we're gonna do

something from home so it happened to everyone didn't it are you going back are you going back because it was talking to comics about jobs they used to do i'd have loved to do it mate if that comes back i want to do it it will come back in some form i just need to it's kind of out of my hands i can't just say i'm gonna go back in fucking global studios and did you go down to london to do it yeah yeah yeah jesus christ that's a trek to do a pod in it yeah just one episode a time no i'd do like two or three in a day okay okay but but they but it was just because that's where it was all done in the in the radio studios where bloody uh radio x's and capital and that so it was pretty good actually it was good for in the radio studios where the Radio X's and Capital and that.

So it was pretty good, actually. It was good for having the stuff because, as you probably know, I'm fucking useless at technology. So I wasn't really the best at doing, you know, making it. Well, that isn't the reason, but, you know, all that kind of, I did a few from home and then I had to just send everything off and it just picked up a little bit. Yeah, it's hard work, isn't it?

But, yeah, no, no, it will be coming back, or a podcast or something. But yeah, I'm just, you know, just up for things, isn't there, at the minute. I like podcasts. He's trying to be positive. I'm very pro-podcast. I'm pro-circuit. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to getting back in the game.

Talking about trades, Barry Small, actual name, says, Now then, campers, you get a job at a zoo and end up having to work in the breeding programme. Can't choose? That's the bit of the zoo you're working in. Obviously, as we all know, certain animals are quite shy about reproducing. Which female animal are you dressing up as

to collect their male spaff? Thanks, Barry. To be used in the zoo's artificial insemination program. Think of Homer Simpson when he got mounted by a panda.

Keep up the sterling work. Baz. So, I've got to dress up as a female animal and not get bummed? I honestly think that might be a sackable offence

you don't have to collect the semen in your bum I think that's a faux pas so what do you have to do then you just have to collect the semen how

well just get your hand in a little baggy I don't know a pipette so I wank off an animal into a carrier bag it's nearly as bad in it but i'd still just get bummed and have you got to be dressed as an animal that's what you

want yeah oh no no no i'm not doing a hand job into a fucking jiffy bag so i've got to wank an animal off you've got to let's say there's a like a little device that's attached to your costume that's like like a what do they call it? What's the fleshlight? Do you know the fleshlight? Do you do it with horses, don't you? With stallions?

So you just have that attached to where the yeah. Hyena. Hyena. Hyena. They are such a weird

evil animal. Exactly. You want to dress as a female hyena. Yeah, yeah. Dangerous as well. Yeah? Yeah.

If your head falls off, that hyena's going to be fuming. Are you Googling hyena for me? I am, yeah, just so you know what you're dealing with. Yeah? I think you've got it all wrong there. I would go something like an elephant or a hippo

because you wouldn't actually have to use your own body as the costume you could use a shell of something so you could use a golf buggy and put the costume onto a golf buggy of an elephant or a hippo or a rhino and then you if you imagine you could just drive it right and then when you're getting stabbed with the penis you it's not you physically no it's just the exhaust you're sat in the golf right right i mean so you just reverse it onto it yeah yeah. And then there'd be like, say there was two seats in the golf buggy, you could use the other seat for all that going on it

and you could just be sat there in the main seat. And all the jizz goes in the footwell. Nice. And then you've collected it. How is the lady elephant getting made? Is it like a paper mache thing around the golf buggy? Probably rubber in it, like a big rubber thing or if I'm actually,

it'd be, it'd be. Have you been watching East End Show? Do you know, do you know when you ask a stupid question on the thing and then someone comes up

with like a really good pragmatic answer to it? No, I think I'd get a synthetic elephant body and have it in a golf buggy and just drive it round the elephant enclosure,

you know, in a slightly flirty fashion. And I'd wank off a hyena. Yeah. Atom's in with a pack of hyenas. Fucking awful. What would you go for? I'd want to fuck a monkey.

Yeah. That wasn't the question. Hey, fucking reps. 160 hours of podcasting fucking lightning no I don't know orangutans don't look too I think orangutans

I'm not sure how an orangutan even has bread ever because they're just massive fat ginger apes have you never seen an orangutan having sex have you never seen me before have you never seen an orangutan having sex have you never seen me before

have you never seen an orangutan having sex no oh my god it's ferocious no it's not you're just talking nonsense Finn don't pull up a video of an orangutan he's just talking absolute bullshit plus we're not putting in a video

of orangutans fucking so Finn was like oh yeah I'll find one don't because he's just talking shit find one can I

oh god yeah can I put one in now I think that could be illegal do you know like it's what could be illegal searching animal

oh no because it's animals having sex with animals do you know what I mean like if you had to get if you had to get the semen of an orangutan they just sort of

give off that vibe of like, oh, come on now. Touch it if you like, boy. I ain't moving. Where are they from? I'm all up in the enclosure. Do they have them in North... Where is this orangutan from?

Louisiana. Oh, Lord, it's hot in the orangutan enclosure. Oh, come in. Oh, you big ginger hairy bastard. Oh, you look good. Oh, sir oh you look good oh so you look good are you wearing glasses god damn then just like they just look like they just let you wank them off orangutans just look like they'd let you wank them off do you know what an orangutan is it's a big fat old dude yeah the big orange one yeah king louis from the jungle book Yeah Yeah I'm Peter though I'm the king in a swing Which are the ones

That have the arse out Baboon Baboon yeah Oh no don't fuck with baboons What do Do they have them ones At Knowsley Safari Park Them ones

What you've just said Orangutans They haven't been At Chester Zoo They haven't been At Chester Zoo yeah Oh right I think they do

Have them at Knowsley Safari Park as well What's the ones That jump on your car They're just monkeys Oh the little bastard ones Has anyone been to that Have you been You have to have a car That you want to get rid of Don't you I don't know, is there a Safari Park as well? What's the ones that jump on your car? Oh, the little bastard ones. Has anyone been to that? Have you been? You have to have a car

that you want to get rid of, don't you? I don't understand why people go through it and then they go, oh, look what's happened to my car. I go, that's literally every fucking car

I've ever been through there. You've drove through the Safari. Yeah. And someone says, oh, they've pulled me windscreen. It's like they do it to every fucking, someone said, there's a stall there

what sells fucking parts for your car what have been ripped off there's a gift shop selling carburettors and windscreen wipers that's what I've heard I don't know if that's true or not

they'd make an absolute killer if it's not true yeah I know what type of monkeys are they that rip your car apart on a safari bonobo bonobo monkey that's that? Bonobo monkey.

Bonobo monkey. That's a very lucrative idea, though, isn't it? Selling them parts there. Or don't have a wing mirror. That's almost as good as the bloody... How fucking schemey would that be of Knowsley Safari Park to have a Halfords just at the end of it? We've got pictures. These are lovely for the kids.

We've got some fucking giraffes here. And then, yeah, new wheels and tyres. Fucking hell. Do your track and balancing on the way out. That's done by a noble movie. Do you know, when I was little, my nan was, like, dead tight with money. I don't know why.

And it was, like, not much of it. What was it? It was something like two adults one child goes free in Safari Park or something so me and my mate

Martin me and my mate Martin went and Martin got in the boot on the way in that's the most dangerous transfer from boot

to back seat in the history in it like right Nan's really got a time that well the line and closure as well to do the switch fuck off obviously no she just pushed this you got in a boot to avoid paying me now and obviously we weren't paying me we were like kids your nan

told them to get in the booth it was it was organized that martin got in the boot yeah that's so smuggled him into it was probably like a five or something but yeah, I remember that. It was fucking hilarious. Do you, did he come up from saying your kids six and not seven

in the swimming pool like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're out now. The zebras, you can get out now. Quickly. Did he get out of the car

and get in or did he come through the seat? He pushed the seat down and he just crawled in. That's insane. It was an escort, old white escort it was. That's so funny

there's a weird thing when you go to the safari parks where you see we went to one near Bristol is it like

I think it's been on TV is it Longleat Safari it's like anyway it's quite a well known one and then you see a tiger which is one of the most majestic beautiful creatures

in nature and it's looking at you and then you're like oh it's beautiful that tiger and then you're like oh i wish the tigers attack cars because like i know you're just like driving around like oh it's a tiger and then you look at it for a bit and you're like ah it's just sat there in it it's just almost want the tiger to be like right this is what's happening you drive i don't have a game a chance yeah yeah i hope you don't tiger i've never been to one uh safari i've actually been on on a trip on but i was sat on a bus driving around it what in australia right but no i've not never been to like the english one open top safari no it's just a bus, I think. I can't remember. Chris, when did you...

Oh, right, okay. I felt like you dreamt that then. No, I definitely didn't. Oh, I did. I saw dinosaurs. And there was this mad scientist and he'd made dinosaurs out of, like,

there was a mosquito. Phil Wang was sat behind me on a bus, I'll tell you. Remember him? It still sounds like a dream. He was. Yeah. Shall we do some... This has been a fucking, yeah. Shall we do some...

This has been a fucking ridiculous one. Shall we do some other words? Yes. Shall we do some other words? Oh, yeah. Cut on from a... You can't hear this, but it's fucking banging.

Why do you not wear headphones? I don't like it. I'm getting panic attacks. This makes me hot. You're doing it hotly. Do you like the little ones? They just look shit, don't they? I just mean like how do you listen to music on the train?

Adam is, to be fair, quite a minimalist podcaster. Doesn't like headphones. He's dying for these lights to be turned off. There'd be a point where we're just sat in a fucking soho theater bar going you're right fucking microphones are a bit try hard have you heard about have a word they just go and sit and have a pint um that sounds great yeah that's just have a pat do you want a beer um hey lads this is from. Absolutely frothing on the podcast. I listen to you boys on my balcony with a bottle of wine and my headphones on.

My neighbors probably think I've lost the plot because I sit there just cackling with my smoker's wheeze. Kat, you sound sexy. I'd like you to please have a word with my best friend, Jade. She's a great girl and one of my best friends, but she's a massive interrupter. I'll be trying to tell a story and she will butt in barely halfway through and go on a massive...

Who's this? Hey! I got a chippy tonight. Two professional comedians doing the same joke at the same time. It's the most important thing about comedy though, isn't it?

Yeah. I will be trying to tell a story... What, the two comedians doing the punchline at the same it? Yeah. I will be trying to tell us what the two comedians do the punchline at the same time. Timing. I will be... Timing. Farmers.

I will be trying to... Because of farmers. I will be trying to tell a story and she will butt in barely halfway through and go on a massive tangent that has nothing to do with what she was saying. She's incredibly intelligent and I'm sure she has a million thoughts in her head

just waiting to escape. But when she really kicks off, it's like cerebral diarrhea. I love her too much to tell her to shut up. So I was hoping you lads could have a word with her. Cheers, Kat. Old interrupter. I don't think Chris heard the end of that

because he was inspecting the cushion I just realised it said have a word on it but I just had it there all the way through little security thing

yeah I heard the end of it I know it do you want to know what I think about it no no no sorry why is Dan shaking

his head at me I don't know I thought you it's your fucking I haven't listened to this podcast before we haven't

we haven't invited you to just come and watch us do it yeah yeah but I thought you just started off and I just kind of chipped in

I know you're like fucking Benil and Skinner and I'm just fucking here for the... There has been a few moments where I've asked you a question and you've given off a vibe of a man who wants to go, mind your own fucking business. What's the fucking nose? All right, well, hang on.

Your listener has sent in a question to you and then you've just looked at me and I thought, well, fucking your podcast. You fucking saw it. Then you're looking at me like I thought, well, fucking your podcast. You fucking saw it. Then you're looking at me like, you're going to saw this out? I was like, yeah. When you put me on the fucking wage bill,

I will, lads, yeah. Jesus Christ. He's already hit. Jesus. Right, okay, so. Sort of life out. So what I would say is, it's obviously not your best friend, is it?

Because if it was carl and you and he kept you just fucking tell him instantly wouldn't you you'd be like mate do you realize you do that every time i think it with everything you have to approach it by taking the piss at first don't you mean like i'm gone oh here we go we've completely gone off on one and yep now we're talking about your thing you don't mean do it in a joking way and like and then but now we're talking about your thing. You know what I mean? Do it in a joking way. But if they're your best friend, ultimately... Men are better at dealing with shit like that than women, though.

I know that's a generalisation, but in general, if a man has got a problem with his mate, he'll go, stop being a dickhead. Whereas what women tend to do is just store it and then decide they hate that woman

but remain friends with them. I don't know why she doesn't get it. And you're like, why don't you? Tell her. Tell her, yeah. About the interrupting thing. Me and Adam are up to now 170, 100 and whatever episodes. And it's this weird thing where we're both trying to be funny.

We're trying to hold conversations. And there's a point where you have to judge when you're joining in when you're not interrupting you have to sometimes wait for them to finish their bit so you can say bit say your bit you also have to respond to what adam's saying i have to like it is a really difficult thing oh yeah sometimes we get wrong like i interrupt adam i've had some messages going oh you've been you were interrupting each other too much or interrupting the guests you're like this isn't like

a conversation there's nearly 35,000 people watching and listening so it's but there are podcasts that are like that where it's

you talk then I'll talk you talk then I'll talk this isn't an interview show that's what some people don't understand and it happens

a couple of times Chris definitely is not into it it's a skill though no it's a skill though in it in in terms of working in a thing like like knowing when is the right time to talk and listen it is a skill what you pick up by work you know i mean it's a life it's a life skill as well as suppose in terms of conversation like knowing when it's your turn to talk yeah and contributing because some people can be the opposite and come across as they don't like getting involved in conversations but they just don't have the confidence to jump in really i suppose it's a

bit of a weird one but and that's it there's nothing wrong with going sorry i interrupted you do you know what i mean like you could you're only you're just getting giddy about the chat aren't you so you can go sorry guys i guys, I was scared of it. It happens on this when we get a new listener. When we have a guest on who brings us a couple of new viewers or whatever, and they're essentially watching it for the interview with the guest. Like when we had Paddy and Jamie on recently, and one of their fans will watch it and they'll go,

you were interrupting the guest. It's like, it's not an interview. We're trying to be funny a lot of the time on this and comedy is about timing and if you let a joke go for a minute it's not funny anymore yeah

you have to get it in when it is and that means occasionally we stand on the guest the guest stands on us and blah blah blah but in conversation

when someone doesn't get it like oh man Laura's great if I ever do it to her she's like haven't finished and you're like

oh yeah because I've got my least favourite treatment I get if you get giddy and you want to tell someone something but there's still nothing wrong with going that's a good way of getting involved as well

yeah especially with them big fucking slapping hands tell you what makes it dead hard as well I did my podcast on fucking Zoom with bad internet where if you what makes it that hard as well i did my podcast on fucking zoom with bad internet where if you ever watched it on the on the news when someone's going like oh we've got we've got john at westminster and then they keep interrupting each other that's impossible to do we're never we are never having a guest via zoom yeah it's impossible no

way uh yeah it doesn't work have you got a big dick no it looks like he does have yeah no no it's your fingers in proportion with the rest of me you've got big hands though big hands that's what that's what made me think would you post loads of letters at once with them uh yeah yeah i was good at posting letters post one for 10 years if anyone uh interested never stole anything never nothing not one single item nothing are we brushing past the fact that

Adam just mid podcast went have you got a big dick not really I was a postman though but Adam just

stayed there looking at it going I can see Adam's thinking yeah yeah he's got a big dick fucking hands like that no it's the answer just all

just the rest of me, just the same. That's the average size for the size I am, I would say. Right. But you're a big lad. Yeah, but it's not like, it's smaller than all my friends. Okay. All of them? Well, maybe not all of them, but most of them.

I don't know, anyway. But you were a postman. What? You were a postman what you were a postman I was a postman never robbed anything never robbed anything why because

it's like it's just like why would you like it's just like what I know it sounds thingy but it's like

if you're a thief you're probably in the wrong job as a postman because it's so tempting do you know what I mean because you're literally handling people's shit every day and thousands of items it's the opposite of being a thief yeah you can just work for hermes but no no that seems to be a question what gets asked straight have you ever stole anything like no i've even seen like envelopes what i've like been cut open like nearly open and there's

like money coming out of them and i've just not even done it I've like been cut open like nearly open and there's like money coming out of them and I've just not even done it they've nearly been cut open no but like envelopes where you've seen cash inside them and you've not even done it

have you ever been bit by a dog yeah three fucking times once through a letterbox once on the back of my leg and once on someone's I got bit on the day that fucking Man United

beat Chelsea in the Champions League final what year was that 2007 2008 2008 yeah 8 was it yeah got bit that day

got bit by an Alsatian once but then they always used to say it's your fault if you get bit by a dog so that's what I didn't like about Romeo was that actual

company policy yeah like literally so basically see I know Chris i know he's chris got there he's like oh yeah well no well basically this is how the the the hierarchy think about it royal mail someone actually uh um after i left got like a disciplinary for getting bit by a dog because because honestly and if there's people who are on the post who listen to this or

they think that if they give you a briefing every day because probably none of you guys work for a company like

Royal like Royal Mail how long were you a postman 10 years 10 years you don't need time did I tell you that no no

I genuinely wanted to just get people listening 10 years isn't it but basically if they tell you once a week in your in your work time listen your team brief basically where they get you all together and they go hi guys uh just gonna let you all know don't get bit by a dog this week can you all sign this piece of paper to say that i've told you don't get bit by a dog and you go yeah nice one and then they go i've been bit by a dog and they go you saw that paper saying you weren't gonna get bit by a fucking dog you know what i mean oh yeah sorry but that's genuinely what it's

like it's like your did you do the risk assessment or did you know there was a do you know i mean there's so many like facts of like well you did so then they'll try and trip you up on it and they'll be like oh so you knew there was a dog at the house and you was like yeah he's like did you put your finger through the letterbox he was like no he was like well obviously I might have done slightly

to try and shove something through but he shouldn't have done that do you know what I mean it's like just all gets put back on you it's all about people being do you get a testimonial if you do 10 years

around now I got a type in that's what I got 10 years Roy Keane came down to do your post your post around with you who did you Where did you do your testimonial? Round Shirin

It was amazing No 2008 to 2018 I did It was alright My memory of you working 2007 to 2018 Thanks for claiming that off A lot of people will be like Chris that's not

on your Wikipedia yeah my memory of you is like towards the end of your I don't know if you even want this in but you were like

fighting for rights as a as a postie weren't you is this not allowed to be in no I'm not bothered because every time

I spoke to you you were starting like a fucking like a revolution in a Wigan post office right what happened was I mean

there's no thing yet so I had this this boss who in my opinion wasn't very we didn't see eye to eye and I don't think

he saw eye to eye with anyone Chris do you need Carl to call him what you can't call him yeah yeah stupid yeah there you go these are other people's words i don't know still a pro but um he signed a piece of paper one of these what he kind of certain types of boss like to watch people squirm and there's a lot of people who are in jobs like that who need the money to pay their mortgage to live the to feed the children and there's probably

nothing more scary than having the um oh fuck it i'll just tell you properly about going around the houses so basically what happened was uh he he just i wasn't bothered about losing my job 2008 17 i went to edinburgh i got the uh nomination and then i got an agent and then i started getting better money from comedy so i could quit my job so then i decided that when i go back in work i'm not going to be you know i mean i'm just going to tell this guy if he what's the worst thing that he can do to me he's telling me i'm gonna like get sacked or he's gonna give me some kind of work related fucking grief which i don't care because i'm gonna leave anyway after in january it sounds like adam and some circuit gigs yeah yeah it's after the after the

comeback after the pandemic and i couldn't give a fuck so yeah so i decided i was september i went back to work after edinburgh january i going to leave because obviously I was sticking around for Christmas tips, last go and then I had to, so January I knew I was going so then he started having, do you know what I mean, trying to be like and he just, very unreasonable I would describe him as which is fair and then we had this altercation where he

decided to flex his managerial muscle and did something basically which was just wrong, he just couldn't do it it he gave me a a verbal no a serious warning or something some kind of official warning towards losing my job like a reprimand for something which i was totally not in the wrong for and uh 300 and 300 odd people walked out over it it was pretty good so there Oh, my God. So there was a big strike. It was in the Manchester Evening News. If you type in Wigan Wildcat Postal Strike 2017. If there's a picture of you comes up, I'll be so...

Can you just put images? That's the one. Top one. So that was... Where are you? I'm somewhere in the one, top one. So there's like, that's what, that was, so that, if you go to the top. I'm somewhere in the back of this picture. Bastard. But if you go to the headline, what's it say?

230 postal workers stage wildcat strike in row over colleagues disciplinary. That was me. I was colleague. After complaining about his heavy workload. Yeah, so I just said that this, basically, you have a finish time in the job and the work that they'd given me for that day was going to take me past that finish time and I had stuff to be doing. I was probably gigging at night

and I was like, I can't. You've given me too much work for this thingy. But how we would deal with most people was to... Threaten them. Well... Yeah, because you had options. Yeah, and I was just like... Because you got a newcomer nomination.

Yeah, yeah, and I was just like, I'm not not thinking but then it wasn't me who incited everyone walking out i told my mates what had happened to me and then this one got one of my mates just went right we're going then we're all going up front and i was like oh mate can you just show me that picture again i would honestly mentally what i see there is just washi coming coming down that picture on a horse going freedom oh mate it just looks it was great because i had to do like a speech to everyone after it man and thank them all for doing it and i everyone's drinking honestly it was like the biggest gig in my life like and slavin billich was there that's amazing but i had to i had to do this thing and i was like i didn't even know what to say i stood on this fucking

on this little wall with all the postmen there just stood there in the ivy's jackets and i was like you're a credit to yourselves you're a credit to your families we'll fight this and i'm like i don't know i've seen i've seen so did you did the disciplinary get revoked uh don't think it ever got officially overturned but the guy who is the boss there is not the boss there anymore oh yes i yes! I don't know. I don't know what... People are revolutionary. Big, stupid, audible cunt got fucking jibbed. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell. You caused a strike,

and you did an audition for a Ken Loach film. But, yeah, so, yeah, it didn't... It was good. It was good. It was very, very good. It got the ball rolling for a few things to get looked at properly. That's what I noticed.

And then you fucked off to be a comedian. That was it, which I love, love being a comedian. What an amazing way to strike. I'm with you. I'm always with you. We can do this. Obviously, I'm quitting in two weeks. I'm getting paid work for Manfred's.

That was it. That was basically it. Someone said, I was doing this speech and I was like saying, because the building was, because the workplace was that big I was like and thanks to you

all of you and all this and then someone who's it who are we striking for they didn't even know it was me and they went he's in when

he's fucking leaving soon I'd already ended my notice and I was like oh fuck I'm not leaving but you know it's for you lot as well oh yeah

fucking hell shall we call that a POD, Adam Rowe? I'm happy to do that. Been an absolute pleasure, Chris Washington. Wait, I don't know if you want anyone to find you. You're giving off the vibe of a man who doesn't want people to follow you, but where can we follow you?

No, no, no. I'm on Twitter and Instagram at ChrisWash underscore. That's not my email that's my Chris Wash underscore Chris Wash underscore and if you live in a town and you've got a takeaway

which you're loyal to and you've been going there for years get in touch with me about the details and just send me some information about it and he'll probably never go

he just wants to know no I genuinely will go I've been i've traveled i travel for this stuff so so any takeaway information why i tell you what what i'll do is i will uh before monday's episode i will take a picture of the caspian in chester which is my favorite takeaway i'll take a picture and join the thread take a picture of your favourite takeaway and whack it up there and we'll at Chris Washington and he can have that

as like takeaway wank fodder all day yeah and I will go and I'll get back in touch with you when I've tried it the takeaway

particularly Chinese I like Chinese curry sauce I've been looking down the camera if there's like a proper it has to be like orangey though

washy really speaks to the people doesn't it has to be like orangey though. Washi really speaks to the people, doesn't he? Do you like an orangey one? Yeah, yeah, that's what I like. Black gravy as well. Yeah. Do you know a good one? Yeah.

Which one? The Z-Yang Gang. Yeah, orange where it's like you open it and it's hot, it's got like a kick to it. Some of them yellowy coloured ones, they're just so bland, aren't they? Yeah, it's just like having fucking and it's like it's hot it's got like a kick to it some of them yellowy colored ones they're just so bland aren't they yeah it's just like having fucking yogurt on you too yeah but yeah get in touch uh thank you chriswash underscore follow me on all them and uh and come and watch me do comedy sometime and search me on iPlayer I'm on there as well Adam Rowan friends is on sale at Hot Water Comedy Club there's about 20 tickets left for that on the

17th and the 18th of May. Hotwatercomedy.co.uk. And if you sign up to my mailing list, adamro.co.uk, I'm going to be announcing a tour for next year at some point. So do that. And there's merch at haveawirdpod.com. New merch coming very soon. And you can get extra episodes of Have A Word, the podcast,

at patreon.com slash haveawirdpod. It starts just three pounds a month and there's over 3 000 people there now and they all love it and they all stay so lockdown three has just been released you want to watch it three lockdown locking three dropping some news about the next lockdown that's been announced don't do that to adam see ya bye felicia No, don't. It's been announced. Don't do that to her. See you. Bye, Felicia. Bye. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors,

like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.