Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #117 with Sam Avery - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

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Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favorite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. boom i've got you a present well i mean is this to add to the absolute bounty of stuff that you've given me for the baby which by the way guys i mean fucking stellar work all around finn particularly i know his sister helped carl got a lovely bunch of flowers you've turned up with loads of kit i mean well done guys you're in your 20s and you're very well done. What happened was, you had a baby. Don't know if you remember. I've been remembering just recently. And then I said to Sam, my girlfriend,

I went, look, you're a woman. You know about babies, right? That's legit. Literally no one can argue about that. So you ordered something and she did. You're a 20- something woman who's never had a baby but you know about babies exactly exactly inherently they know what babies need exactly so we ordered something and it just kept getting shipping delays so we just cancelled it

and we were in town then i was like you know what next do really good baby stuff let's just go to next and get a load of stuff bob Bob on. And because it had been a little bit of a while since the baby was born, what is it, six, seven months now? It's 22 years. That's how it feels.

That's how it feels. Just now. So, I just made sure I got a bit extra. You fucking nailed it. You've all nailed it. Well done, boys.

Four. But you've got me a present. Well, I've got you and Laura a present. Together. I don't believe it's a proper It is No it isn't Really really

He's got evil in his eyes To be fair You smashed it yeah I've told Carl what it is What I've already told Carl what it is Is it about sexy Is it at all related to sexy times

Slightly Honestly A little bit I don't need help She Mate I'm ready to pound I mean she's not ready for me to pound Slightly. Honestly. A little bit. I don't need help. She, mate, I'm ready to pound. I mean,

she's not ready for me to pound and she wasn't before the fucking C-section. So, sexy at the moment. It's the big old milk teddy. I don't know what you know about this, but in Ann Summers, you can get like,

you know, this present's just for me. This is what's going to happen. Right. In Ann Summers, you can get like a book of like gift vouchers gift vouchers that like so like what would happen is you would give it to laura on valentine's i know right i know or she could give them to you and go right here's a

book of gift vouchers and you go like a blowjob voucher yeah now i have heard of these yeah for about 15 to 20 years from one particular comedian in particular. Who says? You know, the... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's what... I can't say it. I said in particular twice.

That's really particular. But yeah, no. Yeah. So, like the blowjob voucher. Yeah, so you'd be like... Fifth voucher. Use it whenever. Yeah, right.

So, instead of going to Ann Summers, I've made you one. Yeah! It's the Adam Rowe sexy vouchers so it is addressed to Dan and Laura right can I open it now

yeah I want you to open it I want you to read it and let the listeners know where I've got you so here you go happy baby it would be a bit

disappointing is that what you say happy baby yeah it's a well known happy baby to you get out of the theater what are you doing i'm just you're talking for money no i'm 40 years old and every card congratulations on you baby fuck all so you will notice that the

card doesn't quite fit the envelope and that's because i made it myself because uh there was there was no card to go with the envelope so i bought envelopes and i bought cards a second case itself do you know what this looks like to me effort yeah consideration okay now i'm gonna go for the slightly uh noncy opening of tearing the oh no i like that what you like a bit of that depends on i'm opening i think you know you're ready for the grave when you have a special letter opening knife. Like one of the founding fathers of America. That's how you open letters. You open letters like Thomas Jefferson did.

In my head, I was like, don't do George Washington because it's hack. I was just trying to find Jefferson's name. See, that's where Hamilton comes in helpful. It really does you know so much about the american revolution there's thomas jefferson it was alexander hamilton there's george washington tamari kitspire who tamari kitspire the mulligan tire yeah there's the tamari kitspire um there's uh aaron bear he was the fair he was the second

vice president are you really doing the actual ones for once I'm not taking it seriously and you're like no Dan this is actually the American revolution and it's not funny Hercules Mulligan he was good him Hercules Mulligan what he did was he went

and pretended to be on the British side but was spying for the revolutionaries and then one day he just started smashing everyone's head in yeah yeah there was Stee yeah

he was the sparky for the first the white what was his surname Stee Stee what he was one of the first Stees

so he didn't have a surname do you reckon anyone because Stephen's quite an old name isn't it but do you reckon anyone back in like

the 1600s was called Stee no no probably not Steve maybe yeah Steve-O Steve-O Stephen's quite an old name, isn't it? But do you reckon anyone back in the 1600s was called Stay? No. No, probably not. Steve, maybe. Yeah, Steve-O. Steve-O.

16th century Steve-O. Do you reckon anyone called David was called Dave? No. Or D-Man. D-Money. Probably D. D-Money, yeah. D-Money.

He's in Hamilton, isn't he? Yeah, D-Money. The treasurer. He was the third vice president. D-Money. Treas in Hamilton, isn't he? Yeah, D-Money. The treasurer? He was the third vice president. D-Money. Treasurer. John Adams was the first. Ah!

You fucking bum, John Adams. You really do. He was... Any time I say this, he's one of the funniest cunts around, but any time John Adams comes up, Adam's like, no, it's not funny, it's John Adams.

Who's Sam Adams? Sam Adams. He makes the... He makes... Yeah. And nobody's day involved? No. Oh. He isn't, no. He was minister first. no it's not funny it's John Adams who's Sam Adams Sam Adams he makes yeah but is he involved no he isn't no

he's minister because he looks first president was George Washington John Adams was his vice president and then he was the second president but he was really shit so they fucked him off

Jefferson became president could you open it could could you just stop this because I am so moist you sexy motherfucker right the first voucher is it one voucher yeah Could you just stop this? Because I'm so moist. You sexy motherfucker. Right.

The first voucher. Is it one voucher? Yeah. It's just one? Yeah. I thought it was a pack of vouchers. No. But you just, one voucher?

Yeah. A lot. Not made of money. So. So the voucher is, and I'm going to give this to my tired, tired, beautiful wife. 36 hours, free babysitting. I'm going to pop this back in uh tired tired beautiful wife 36 hours free babysitting i'm going to pop this back in before i stop moving is this from finn to cover getting ready the night out and hangover that is a beautiful amount of time yeah yeah yeah yeah not a full Terms and conditions.

This is you and Sam, though, isn't it? I'll ask her. No. I haven't confirmed it yet. It's absolutely crucial. You know, because you know when you went, you know, she's a woman, she knows about babies. I think Laura might go for this if Sam's involved.

Okay. I don't think you turning up. Adam, Adam, I've done a poo in my knickers. All right. Two seconds. Two seconds. Just give us a minute. There's poo-poo on the floor.

Mummy and Daddy will be angry. Two seconds. Give us a sec oh mate I would love to see you Jack's just gone on to formula which doesn't agree with him

and he's been doing some nasty shit I genuinely think you could do with the soundboard to change the fucking nappies of my child at the moment

but Etta's the handful. The terms and conditions. So 36 hours babysitting which is very considerate. Some cunts just turn up for five. 36 hours. You've laughed a boff out with his own fucking voucher.

I wafted it away. You're going to be incontinent when you're 40. 40? I've been lucky. Can I have 36 hours boff-free podcasting? I can't promise that. That's not coming on the voucher.

Terms and conditions. It's valid till the 30th of the 6th, 2021. Right. So we've got to go out. Basically, we've got nine days of no restrictions and that's you're like I'm going to be too busy

yeah Uncle Adam's smashing gigs all the way you can go for outdoor stuff now if you want yeah yeah yeah got two months it's valid

Monday to Wednesday only uh huh nice at least you're honest about it I mean there are no gigs on a weekend but you've got shit to do exactly

I just appreciate your honesty there's a Thursday upgrade for £10 an hour yeah so that's 360 quid uncle adam can fuck off we're doing it on a tuesday just so we don't trip into thursday accidentally friday saturday sunday upgrade 20 quid per hour I don't know who you think you are but that makes your day rate more than like a qualified tradesman and you don't know

what you're doing but if you do take the upgrade you don't have to take the full 36 hours so you can take like 8 hours and it'll just be

like 160 quid that's a deal I love it Adam's business mind even works in made up bullshit vouchers he's like

no I thought about it there is an add-on available but it's on you know i'm thinking out i'll do two for one i'll do your neighbors kids they'll love that uh this is phenomenal anybody's are you like if i ran up and went lab we want to go out next tuesday would you be like, ah, just did that for the podcast, really? No, you can, yeah, genuinely. As long as, like, I haven't got a solid plan already in place. If I've got, like, a big plan, whatever. But if I've got not enough, I'll do the babysitting.

Absolutely, 100%. With Sam. Are you worried about me doing the baby on my own? Doing the baby. Have you ever, I'll be honest, the newborn baby, it is a bit admin-y. The changing and the feeding is a bit fiddly, but I have not been properly concentrating

and I've just listened to Laura a bit and I know it, it's fine. If they're crying, you've got to either feed them or pat the fart out or burp out. And then the rest of it, yeah. It's fine. If they're crying, you've got to either feed them or pat the fart out or burp out. And then the rest of it, yeah, it's not actually that difficult. And then you pick them up

and you're like, oh my God, don't drop it. This is really, you get over that as well. Well, but my four year old is full the fuck on.

Of course she is. Right. I'll just give her like a can of Coke and some sweets and she'll be fine. Yeah. Skittles,

probably. They put them to bed don't they yeah now i got back the other uh i can't remember where where i was oh last night i moved the couch can i just say to my mate tony absolute legendary because you didn't even question it i went we're moving the couch i bought a couch off marketplace facebook marketplace love a deal yeah um and he helped out moving the couch it's's heavy as fuck. It's gone in the garden office. Absolute fucking legend. And I got back and one,

this is the worry about Etta. She, like Tony's what, about your age? Quite a good looking lad. And I can see my four year old be like, hi. I'm like, oh my God, my daughter's going to be a stripper. Like there's just,

she's literally. Does she fancy someone? She's, I know, but she's four. be a stripper. Like there's just, she's literally. I can't believe a stripper just fancies someone. I know, but she's four. She's tiny and innocent and beautiful, but I can see it. And she's like, hey, Tony. And then she was calling him the man because she's still young enough that she's like, she forgets people's names.

And then she didn't want to be like the boy. And she was like, is the man coming back? I'm like, what is going on with this child? And she was also juiced up because Laura had given a full cream egg at like seven o'clock at night. So I wouldn't advise, they're like gremlins.

There's after a certain point, it's got to be nil by mouth sugar wise. But if I give it, she'll like me. So. Yeah, I'd work a lot of my parenting on that. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to have a toothless teenager that thinks I'm great. But after 7pm, you are playing with like insulin fire. I'll figure it out. It'll be fine. When I was like 11 or 12,

my mate's little sister, I was sat around the dinner table in his house, I'd been invited around and his little sister was like five. And she comes to the dinner table and went, Adam, I really fancy you. And I went, no, just like a reflex thing. I was like, and she comes to the dinner table and i'm like adam i really fancy you and i went no just like a reflex thing i was like not yet no it actually looks worse when you say no

yeah done it if you just do that thing of like not in front of everyone else yeah yeah no it depends how long you wait to say no yeah but i didn't have the mental capacity i was 11 um no of course yeah you're not thinking three steps ahead in terms of accusations are you exactly now when I when I got you this gift voucher

I had a feeling you might have some of the worries you've expressed so I did get you an insurance policy too Jesus Christ just thought

you know just thought might might put Laura's worries at ease as well as yours. I mean, this sounds good, but I do have some reservations. Exactly.

So option two. It's not option two. This is insurance for this. Really? Oh, this is insurance? Like when you rent a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You rent an Adam Arten, you want to make sure you fucking, if you break them.

This is the excess. Yeah. Essentially. Right. Dan and Laura. Two envelopes here, Adam. Look how happy he is silver card

been to Hobbycraft Wilco's Wilco's Wilco's the working class Hobbycraft babysitting insurance in the event of losing your children always good to write that down on a piece of paper innit

because now we can hold you accountable like the law wouldn't back us up In the event of losing your children, always good to write that down on a piece of paper, isn't it? Because now we can hold you accountable. Like the law wouldn't back us up. Adam's lost the kids. Well, there's nothing you can do because, you know, he says he doesn't know what happened, but he actually wrote on a piece of paper. So now he's accountable to it.

In the event of losing your children, Adam Rowe, not just Adam, let's be specific, because this has got to hold up in a court of law, Adam Rowe will provide a new one or two, I thought he said or two if you're asked, or two if two are lost by either

Jesus Christ. Yeah, he's not going to read that. By either coming in a woman, in brackets, of your choice, or adoption. Right, so the first one is so weirdly threatening that not only are you threatening to come in a woman, but I get to choose her. I mean, that is a layer of sexual assault

that I don't need to be a part of. No, we'll make sure the woman's happy. No one! Got you on a fucking leash and I'm really, go on, Adam, get it, you fucking, go on. We'll make sure the woman's happy about it. Right, yeah, which is, it's good, isn't it? Yeah.

It's good. And we'll pass this to a woman here, love, in the event that you are chosen to have adam come in here um or adoption uh terms and terms and conditions terms and conditions read ahead terms and conditions just realizing i think i think my prescription must be Want me to read Do you want me to read this

Who's going to be You read as far as you want to That's your call So it's my call Do you know about this I do yeah So The blame will be on you

Why You read it He wrote it down he didn't the terms and conditions white white replacements only yeah

that's an iPod yeah I'm not saying the next one and I'm definitely not saying the next one and I'm definitely not saying the last one you can say the next one the Chinese upgrade yeah Chinese upgrades a thousand pounds

and then there's a final one which won't even be on Patreon imagine everyone who's getting a bit annoyed because I'm not reading the last one And there's a final one, which won't even be on Patreon. Imagine everyone who's getting a bit annoyed because I'm not reading the last one. Oh, the last one. Fucking hold on, you're the shithouse. Imagine what it could be. What recently has caused us a couple of issues?

It's that. You can say what it is nope nope um wow so let's just run through the insurance policies i mean this now doesn't look as good does it because before i was like wow 36 hours probably wouldn't take the full 36 hours but But even if Sam and Adam could cover the kids from like tea time till bedtime and then we could have a go for a meal, that's great. But now the babysitting insurance, it makes that look like less of a good option, doesn't it? That you've had to go, lad, I'm just being honest and upfront.

If I lose one or both of your kids, how would you lose Jack? He doesn't move. Like, you can leave him somewhere. I lose me keys, like, on a daily basis. Right. Yeah. Month-old kid shouldn't get down the back of the couch.

So, let's... The natural way seems great. I mean, I'd probably choose Sam, just because I think it would be logistically easier your end. Yeah. But then, weirdly,

I'd be raising your child, your first child or adoption. So, how would that go with the adoption process? I would adopt a baby

and then just give it to you. Nice. And how do you think that would go at the orphanage? I know they're not called orphanages anymore, but essentially they're orphanages, aren't they? The human pound.

Ding dong. The human pound. Yeah. What's that? It's a dog pound. It's a dog pound, but for humans. Oh, I thought you were. Yeah.

I didn't know what was going on. The kids trust. Yeah. So you ding dong, hey, you all right? Yeah. And I'm like I want a kid And they're like Oh we've got loads

Yeah It's like lost and found Back here I've got a grand here If you've got any Chinese ones No we don't We don't have any upgrades

Available I'll just have a white one then Oh Right Girl or boy Who you asked How many do you need Can I i just ring me mate and see what one he wants all right cool dan two seconds hello i'm just posing as an orphanage manager

you know you know as i got away yeah do you want another girl or do you want a boy? Not another girl. They're too flirty. A boy? Yeah, I'd love to. Go ahead, mate. I've got the fucking kid woman here. I will go ahead. Sorry.

It's a weird thing that Scousers do when they want you to get off the phone is the go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. A builder's been doing that to me for a month and it feels like, fuck you, right at the end of the phone call.

Yeah. Like, all right, okay, see you. All like, fuck you, we're at the end of the phone call. Yeah. Like, all right, okay, see you. All right, go ahead, Dan.

We also say, get on me. Or give us a shout. Yeah. Give us a shout. Get on me. Get back to me. That means just talk to me again in the future.

Give us a shout, lad. See you in a bit. He wants a boy. Right. Cool. And so, what do you do?

Are you single? You're in a relationship? I'm in a relationship. Not married, don't live together, but she's there a lot. Right. That's the first red flag.

Why is that a red flag? Well, you're essentially not in a committed relationship, are you? No, well, don't worry about it.

I want a kid. It's not for me. Right, there's the second. What did you do? A level, yeah. Right.

Just off the record. Oh, yeah, the record between me and you so when you go to an orphanage and speak to the orphanage manager a lot of the stuff that you if you go off the record they're like yeah sound clean go ahead get on me I know what's coming this orphanage

does not have enough red flags yeah I babysat for my mate yeah yeah yeah I've done it before oh you're a good lad how long for

36 hours Jesus yeah for free yeah good heck well actually it was a Thursday

alright upgrade yeah you're a businessman and long story short yeah one of the kids what i've got no idea right okay and i i know i know that you don't want me to have a kid right i get it

oh yeah yeah yeah me mate's never gonna let me babysit his kids again unless understandable unless understandable so if you just give me i'm gonna give it to him but I didn't want him to have to do all the admin yeah to have done it for him god you're a good mate apart from the fact that you lost his kids

you are a good mate because you've stopped him having to do all this admin exactly and if you sort me out with a kid yeah I'll get you some tickets

to what was a comedy club wow what on a weekend yeah to see Paul Smith see Paul Smith yeah brilliant yeah nice one you can have two have three we're doing a three for two What, on a weekend? Yeah. To see Paul Smith? To see Paul Smith, yeah.

Brilliant. Yeah, nice one. You can have two. Have three. We're doing a three for two. No. All right, all right. It's hard enough looking after two.

What age are you looking for? Ring him back. Yeah, yeah, go. Dan. Ring, ring. Hello? Do you want a 20-21, lad, or are you looking for a 15-plate? Oh, no. I want one that's got control of its bowels, please. Can I have you want a 2021, lad, or are you looking for a 15 plate? Oh, no.

I want one that's got control of its bowels, please. Can I have a nine-year-old? Yeah, sound all right. Get on me. Go ahead. On me tits. Fuck off. You got any nine-year-olds that don't shit themselves?

Oh, a couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you then. I've got my own bag. I don't know why that got me. And scene. Right. Well, I hope this episode isn't watched by Laura because if it is, this isn't happening,

but that'd be really nice. I'm genuinely keeping that can't wait to uh to pull you up on that mate oh mate i actually to rent that van they asked what i did for a living and um uh i went to a van rental company and motherfucker, did they make that really hard work. Why? They were like, cool, great, you've got a van,

you need to move a couch. Sound. What do you do for a living? And you say? Podcaster. I say self-employed. Right. Nice and vague.

Self-employed. And they're like, all right, great. And you can see them, they're fucking writing it down And then they go What What'd you do I mean why the fuck

Do they need to know Is it for the insurance Is that why they're asking Probably If you're a stuntman Yeah Yeah If you're a self employed stuntman

It's probably going to affect Your premium isn't it That I understand What are you renting The van from Enterprise from Er I am a stuntman, so...

What if you're a human trafficker and they don't want their vans being used? Totally. I am a professional murderer of women and I take my transit van around the industrial areas and kill sex workers. I'm going to be honest, sir. So sorry.

We're not going gonna get insured for that enterprise i said comedian yeah and i don't know why i said it what do you say in that situation if it got that far like i i would normally say comedian yeah because it was like it was like i was saying oh i kill sex workers he was like oh he obviously typed in and it was like what's that and it's weird because they know what a comedian is but they're like computer says no yeah yeah

computer says no on insurance forms there's not a comedian is there yeah I think I think that insurance thing must be the same as when you go through

like Aviva or Admiral you have to say like Entertainer or whatever so Entertainer doesn't always work though does it no so I

am a writer who does 4000 miles a year yeah you're just writing to what get pens yeah you're just driving to get pens 4 000 round 4 000 miles for a time trip to office world so i said i'll just put writer down he was like oh yeah i've put right down he's like have you got any proof that you're a writer i was like no because i'm a comedian what the fuck i felt like going where were you in this conversation dickhead you went what do you do as a job i was like i'm a comedian and he was like all right it's not coming up as comedian i was like yeah i just put right

then that's what i did for my insurance he went brilliant i've put right here can you prove that you're a writer i was like no mate backtrack two bits of this conversation. You fucking muffin. Why did he need proof to rent a van? What the fuck am I going to do? I was like, what am I going to do? What happens if you say you're a midwife? Yeah. And he asks for proof?

Like, you get a payslip from the hospital, maybe. I don't know. From midwives.com. Or you get a picture of you with a baby that you just delivered. You know, like when people go fishing, and they get a picture with the fish. Yeah. Midwives like that. She you get a picture of you with a baby that you just delivered. You know, like when people go fishing and they get a picture with the fish. Yeah. Midwives like that.

She's done loads of babies. So, twins. That's what we call them in the industry. Twins. That's how you know I'm in the game. When he was like, have you got any proof that you're right? I was like, I don't know what you mean. Like, yeah, if you go to Waterstones and you go right to the back,

science fiction, and I'm like, fuck off. What are you talking about? I'm going to scan a book like Penguin Classic with my fucking name on it. If you were going to write a book, would you write science fiction? Is that what you're saying? If you were going to write a novel? I just literally thought of the first, no, I'd like, if we're doing this real, you know, real talk,

I would say something about 16th century Daves would definitely come into it yeah I'd like to do a because I love

Wolf Hall and the Shardlake series which is like a oh yeah yeah he's like a we love it yeah yeah you grew up on it

yeah yeah yeah yeah audio books in the car yeah everything Shardlake what is it called the first one

Wolf oh Wolf Halls that's by Hilary my favourite book growing up was Match of the Day magazine yeah

yeah that was good it was a good book new one every week as well there's a real paperback probably made of

fucking paper I yeah I'd do that but I'd do it about I'd like a like an Elizabethan crime stopper called dave

tudor dave tude dave tude dave tude yeah you know he's from the tudor era because he's called tude yeah it's weird though isn't it because you don't hear that name anymore and you'd think that that name would still be around i mean we know someone with the second name, Tudor. Do we? Yeah. Who? George. George Tudor? Yeah. Used to be a bartender. Oh, George George. I didn't know that was his surname. I thought it was George. Yeah, George George's name is

George of the Jungle. What do you mean, George George? Yeah, I knew a Jane Tudor growing up Yeah Yeah You trace your family back You must be pissed off Henry Dave's Tudor isn't he?

Henry Tudor yeah Yeah he is isn't he? Yeah Yeah The House of Lancaster What? He's from the House of Lancaster They won the War of the

His dad won the War of the Roses. Did he live in Lancaster? No, he didn't. His... Their sort of family seat was the House of Lancaster. You know Richard III, who had the hunchback

and killed the kids in the tower? Was he the one in Tesco? He... Yeah, he was the one that died in the Tesco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was... They were the House of York.

And this is how mental I was growing up. I was like, because I'm from Lancashire, I was like, yeah, yeah. But he was, they were the house of York and this is how mental I was growing up. I was like, because I'm from Lancashire, I was like, yeah, fucking won that one. Like it was a weird,

you know, because Lancashire's not got loads going on for it. But growing up, I was like, yeah, house of Lancaster, yeah.

Sad really. But when he was the king, he moved to London, surely. Yeah, he did spend a lot, yeah, they were all in London.

Yeah. But their sort of like family seat was Lancaster. Yeah. Yeah. spend a lot of time. Yeah, they were all in London. Yeah. But their sort of like family seat was Lancaster. Yeah. Yeah. I reckon they'll ever be like... I was going to say, I reckon they'll ever be like a king or queen in this country who sort of rules from elsewhere. Do you know what I mean?

But like, it's going to be them forever, isn't it? They're just going to stay where they are now. Well, yeah, unless the line dies out. What happens then like let's say because parliament just chooses a new

royal family does it well the Windsors are German yeah I know the house of Hanover is it like 1780 or 17

when it like the the line that Elizabeth Queen Victoria all the Georges George the

who you know from Hamilton that line goes back to the House of Windsor and they basically just got selected I think Queen Anne was Baron

and that was the end of that so hang on really important question here just pause that for a sec so you're telling me if they let's say like something happened

there and they all got COVID dead the whole lot got COVID and they all got COVID, dead. The whole lot got COVID and they couldn't, I mean, that family, that royal lineage is so massive. Yeah. That you would literally have, you'd be killing off 70 fucking people. Okay, so some of them get COVID and the rest of them, I don't know, all get shot, right? Dead.

Yeah, that'd be a hell of a news story, wouldn't it? Right? Dead. Yeah. That'd be a hell of a news story, wouldn't it? Because a 99-year-old consort died last week and everyone wanked on about it. Like it was like, oh, who saw it coming? Everybody!

Isn't it sad? Not really! What a phenomenal innings. If anything, he lived too long. If you told me how long I could live right now and you went, I'll give you 99 I'd be like I'm alright with 90

call it 89 I don't want a 99 like last night that must have been pain yeah not a lot of fun yeah so

but they all die so you say parliament the whole lot picks a new but how do they do it is it like everyone's name goes in and they just go

yeah they get all the royal families from around the world oh yeah and they do like a you know the world cup draw and Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are there

see I thought you meant FIFA I thought you meant it was everyone in Britain I thought I was in maybe you

nah they go they keep it in the royals don't they they keep it in the royals what if all they die what if all the royals in the world

are dead what if everyone except for Adam is dead it's just basically Carl's just cut us down to what if all the royals in the world are dead what if everyone except for Adam is dead it's just basically Carl's just cut us down to how does King Adam actually happen

no but like on the Patreon episode this week we did a whole thing about if Adam was the King of Liverpool and as we started out I was like this guy is so

mental and by the end of it I was having the best time ever like I'd make a good King the farmers we'd have farmers all and by the end of it i was having the best time ever like i'd be i'd make a good king the farmers we'd have farmers as long as we got farmers but now you want to know how it's going to happen

no i'm not saying i want to be the king i want to know no you are i think i'd be good at it but that doesn't mean i want to be here do you know what i mean looks hard i think i'd be good at it but that doesn't mean i want to be here do you know what i mean looks hard i think i'd be good at olympic discus as well just fucking competitive frisbee really isn't it but i don't want to do it yeah like because do you know who won gold at the last olympics in the discus you don't because no one gives a shit about them so why would anyone want to do that this is generally how i feel about the olympics basically i don't i really people like because people say he's an olympian as if like it's fucking good well that is good

because that means you're like you're very good at one thing but I still don't give a shit about the Olympics but like

there's so much in the Olympics that it's not worth being good at because like it's good for like that day on once every four years

it's good for that and then the rest of the time you're just walking around like what can I do oh I can throw a stick dead far. Unless you've got a really active dog.

It's pointless innit? Don't you want a gold post box and dovey? Why are you training for javelin? Because I think I can be one of the best in the world at javelin. You haven't even got a dog? Alright yeah I'll quit. No but isn't Olympics is just the home of

all of the sports that no one really gives a fuck about professionally. Like, and I think when all the, like, pro sports come into the Olympics, you're like, just fuck off. Like, football in the Olympics is daft. Football is represented at every level. There's, like, the pinnacle in the World Cup nationally. There's locals.'s european competitions there's like the what's the copper limited what's the

south american one that's like the champions league copper delivered to the audition yeah why do you need an under 23s competition in the olympics stupid tennis in the olympics bullshit golf bullshit but you know like throwing shit dead far let's give them their time in the olympics like what i'm saying is why do we give it any attention like the high jump who needs that do you know i mean unless you're like you've been held captive in a back garden with a yeah and not that big fence yeah i mean it's, it must just be the history that that's... They were like, it really feels like the Olympics started with someone going,

lad, can you jump over that? Lad, how far can you throw this? Well, it's just the pinnacle of everything the body can do, isn't it? Yeah, but then why isn't... The tires jumping the highest... Why isn't keepy-uppies part of the... I don't really know what to answer that. No, I don't know,

but like, it is a bit... It's a stupid question. I've got more respect for someone who can do... Thanks, Carl. That was so thick. I don't want to say

any more words. I've got more respect for someone who can do hundreds of keepy-ups than someone who can just jump a bit. Do you know what I mean? There's more skill

in doing keepy-ups than like sprinting and just jumping into some sand. But you know the long jump? Englishman. What? Famous one. But sand but you know the long jump English man famous one but you don't know the famous

Jonathan Edwards Jonathan Edwards who's Linford Christie he's the runner yeah see the that's the best

bit about the Olympics isn't it 100 metre final the 100 and 200 metres that's the best bit yeah

the best part the best part is 9.8 seconds if they're doing it well. The best part of most things lasts less than 10 seconds though, doesn't it? That is a made up theory that you just came up with just instantly. Sex is all about coming. Right.

If you didn't come, you wouldn't do it. Dr. Adam again. Yeah. But you fuck for 20 minutes. Yeah. That's a well-known fact. That's why they call you a paid spot. But the first 19 minutes and 50 seconds

Are just waiting to come Yeah Do you know what I mean And like the high jump is just waiting for the 100 metres Isn't it It's the same thing So the 100 metre final Is an orgasm

It's like the sperm racing for the fucking egg Yeah Yeah is an orgasm it's like the sperm racing for the fucking egg yeah yeah how do we get on the Olympics from the royal families of the world I'll give you an example

of something that's what but like the best bit of it isn't like really short in like

in in context of how long it is a magnum what do you mean eating a magnum What do you mean? Eating a magnum But the eating it The first bite's probably the best isn't it?

What? Like the eating a white magnum Are you trying to make this real work For everything in life? I think it's a general In general I don't think you can give me something You know what I mean?

When your kid's born Like the night The first ten seconds is mean, when your kid's born, like the night, like... The first 10 seconds is great, and after that, it's a bore like. Nine months leading up to it is just waiting with someone moaning about how hard it is, and then they have to go through a fucking nightmare, the nightmare of childbirth. Awful.

And then it's out, and it's like, what? Sick. And then you realise you're covered in blood. Child birth doesn't last nine months, does it? You're covered in blood. The dad.

Both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you take the baby, the baby's got blood on it, hasn't it? Because it's come out of there. Yeah.

That 10 seconds, you're like, whoa, this is me kid. And you're like, oh, I've ruined my top. Is there loads of poo in child birth? Because I've never seen it.

I've been there, but it wasn't old enough to remember you've seen two you've been there do you mean you were the baby yeah good shout

fucking shit is there loads of what was Carl's word someone's fucking pooed there is there loads of poo don't know I was literally I was the

two c-sections yeah I was nowhere near the business house I would go as far to say that if the girl's having a c-section if she shits herself that business i would go as far to say that if the girl's having a c-section if she shits herself that's on her yeah you know what i mean that's it just like

taking advantage of the situation if a woman just goes i think when you've had an epidural and you can't feel anything from your tits down i don't think anyone's gonna be like no surgeon's gonna be like oh you dirty bitch no i'm not doing this. Get another fucking surgeon. I went to university for fucking years. I'm a leading fucking surgeon in my field, and you've just shat where I work. Do I come to where you are? It is a good excuse.

It is a good excuse, though. The thing is, though, you're saying that, but it must be annoying when you're a surgeon and you've gone through all the sterilisation process and then you're like, fucking hell, she shit on me scalpel here. I think that's on you as a surgeon. You shouldn't be keeping your scalpel near a fucking woman's bumhole. So anyway, the royal family.

How the fuck did we get onto that classic have a word nonsense? So all the royals in the world died. They're dead. They're dead. They're dead. Laura's gone. All the royals are dead. Liz is gone.

Liz is gone. Liz is gone. Right. Wouldn't it be funny if Charles died just after his mum? Now, I'm not, listen, I'm not trying to be a cunt, but I am. Wouldn't it be pretty funny? He's like 76. He loves her, but he's dying for her to fuck off. Yeah.

King Charles. Charles III? I think he'd be Charles the third do you reckon if she fuck you mum do you reckon if he got seriously ill

and the queen didn't so let's say he got like I don't know prince aids or something right prince aids yeah right

how'd you get prince how'd you get prince aids just by licking the little arsehole I fucking Prince. Shag Prince. So, he gets seriously ill

and he gets called, listen lad, you've got a year tops. Minimum six months, five or six months, but you've got a year tops. Don't know what illness it is. It's very specific.

But this doctor, because they have the best doctors, they've looked into it loads. Done loads of scans and that tested his blood. They really do have good doctors. I'll give them that, the royal family.'s still alive so they're like you got six months but yeah that you're gonna be topped out there and liz liz gets a checkup at the same time yeah

just make sure she hasn't got it and they go five years left you liz you're a fucking vampire yeah do you reckon she'd then be like i'll step down and let you have six months as king now i can't speak for the queen but i i'd say this pretty definitively not a fucking chance why mate she is the tom brady of fucking sovereigns she is racking up stats. Is she the longest serving queen or king ever? You say serving. I think she's there. Queen Victoria just did 63 years or 62 years. She's been on the throne since 52,

so she's coming up to 70 years on the throne. Big Lizzie. She is. She's literally like Tom Brady. She just wants all the rings. She wants to 70 years on the throne Big Lizzy she is she's literally like Tom Brady she just wants all the rings she wants to go down as the GOAT and I think she'd bury

Charles just be like fuck you Charlie I'm going for stats 6th of February 52 so that means

6th of February next year she hits 70 and after that she might think about it and be like got 70 nah

I think she's going for the fucking record and she's got the record but I think she's think about it. She'll be like, got 70. Nah. I think she's going for the fucking record. And she's got the record, but I think she's cementing it. No one's beating that anyway. Most people don't live till 70. Nevermind. Fucking do fuck all for it.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think she's going to keep it going. And I think Charles is fucked. I think William's got a chance of being more... I think there will be a King William. I think that is actually going to happen. I think William's got a chance of being more. I think there will be a King William. I think that is actually going to happen. I think King Charles, genuinely, he might have a little run of it.

Say she gets, just like her husband lived till 99, say she gets another four years. How old's Charles? Is he 75? He's going to be near 80 by the time he gets on the throne. 72. Oh, he's 72. So that would make him 76.

He might only get 10 years, and that puts Prince William at like 50-odd when he could go 30, 40 years. Easy. Yeah. Could do 50, really. Charles must be dying to be king. Just be like, fuck you. Yeah, but why?

What does he get? On his face on the money yeah but it's like being the assistant manager for fucking 72 years and he's gonna pay rise though no but he just gets to be the king don't he yeah he's been told since he was born you're gonna be king one day like he will have been told that thousands of times yeah and then it might never happen and then apart from if your mum lives forever

on purpose she looks she doesn't look 95 though no she fucking doesn't do you reckon she'll ever sort of

dabble again in the old you know what I mean for the audio listeners what was that Adam I mimicked something there I think she might be done I think she might be done I think she might be done P.S. thanks to all my mates

who sent me Queen Elizabeth's Tinder profile just after Prince she's got some fucking waps on her yeah mate

oh come on come on bro it doesn't count waps don't count after a surname what do you reckon she's got they're just medical things

size wise 32 she's got? They're just medical things. Size-wise? No. 32? She's got great granny tits. Do you not reckon she'll ever touch a dick again? No. Not even just to be like... I don't reckon she's touched a dick for a decade. You don't reckon?

No. I feel like... Do you not reckon she's got, like, man-sluts who she just brings in? Like, because, I'm not saying Philip could get up because he's been a corpse for a long time,

hasn't he? Yeah. Like, I know he died recently. We have talked about the royal family's sex life quite a lot these last few weeks,

haven't we? She needs to. But like, nah, she's, she's finished with the dick. Yeah. She wants to walk her corgis

and just spite her son. That's what she's all about now. I just, I just think if that was me I'd get like one more yeah one more before I go start on OnlyFans she'd fucking rip it

on OnlyFans wouldn't she she's single you know it's a crowd of market OnlyFans now though isn't it do you yeah you think she'd struggle

to really get her yeah I think the queen if she'd have got in earlier on OnlyFans like though, isn't it? Yeah, you think she'd struggle to really get her? Yeah, I think the Queen if she'd have got in earlier on OnlyFans like, you know, at the start I don't think she'd do very well now, you know being the Queen of England. She'd do alright, but like do you know what I mean? There's a lot of people on OnlyFans now

who, like I know we've all got to do what we can to survive the pandemic, but there's people on OnlyFans who wouldn't like I was a place on the fucking pound bacon he tells. Do you know what I mean? It's a very specific niche. Look at my smash pasty. How many dicks do you reckon the Queen sucked?

Oh, Carl. Dirty. Do you reckon it's more than 10? No. I don't think she's ever put one in her mouth. I really like that OnlyFans thing. I thought we could really have a bit of fun with that OnlyFans thing. Carl's like, nah, how many dicks has she sucked?

Do you reckon it's more than one? It might be three. Why? It just might be three. The rule of three. It's just, you know... I think post-war maybe, she was a young woman, wasn't she?

We all need each other again. How long was she married to him? 70-odd years. So she was 20? Yeah, she got a tough time. She married him before she assumed the thing, didn't she? Yeah, she probably married him late 40s. Yeah, she got loads of pipe there.

She married him in the late 40s. Yeah, she got loads of pipe there. She married him in, oh, in the late 40s? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Not in her late 40s.

Yeah. Yeah. Mad. I reckon when they all came back from the war, there might have been a bit of finger banging going on around West London. There's actually a film

about it. Is there? Not about her getting finger banged in West London, but her and, Queen, Queen, her and her and Prince Margaret went on

the lash secretly around London at the end of the war after VE day and I reckon maybe

do you reckon she told them she was the prince princess yeah don't know or do you reckon she told them she was the prince princess yeah don't know or do you reckon she just like did her makeup so she didn't look like

recognisable what makeup like a joker or something Halloween maybe she announced on Halloween if you're good at something never do it for free some fucking sailors

come back from war and he's got Princess Elizabeth Adam are you insinuating that the queen went out dressed up on Halloween and sucked loads of men off not loads

is it time for an advert here guys you're like we're just like grinding it into the floor. That's the only way she could go around without being noticed, isn't it? If she had a mask on or a hat. Dan's got a hat on now.

People keep coming to me and going, are you the queen? Are you the queen? Are you the post-war, late 1940s queen? Oh, that was dirty. That was so dirty. Love it. Right, we can have a break.

Go on then. Break it. What's happening, guys? Ooh, look at your outfit. Shocking. You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing,

whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking T-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaypod.com. You want some official haveaway merch? Go to a weird pod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on it's horrible you look a joke don't believe in the house like that you want a hoodie that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it have a weird pod.com

do you know what i've seen in the garage? What? Controversial chocolates. Where'd you stand on? So one of the podcasts I listen to for the NFL is called PFT, Pro Football Talk. Shout out Chris Sims and Mike Florio. And they were having a big debate because Mike Florio's a bit older and he's a big fan of chocolate-coated pretzels.

Where you at? Nice, huh? Have you ever had them before? Yeah. Have you? Yeah, it's just bread and chocolate, isn't it? Like it wasn't a toy.

Yeah, but it's salted crispy bread, isn't it? Yeah. I know, but like it sounds weird, doesn't it? Salt, bread, chocolate. Yeah, but just because you like individual things, like you like lamb,

but you don't want that covered in chocolate, do you? I love it when Adam's like, I don't want to concede that point, so I'm thinking about it. Chocolate. Oh, there's salted caramel. Chocolate leg of lamb. Not one.

One. Kobe. Ah! Nothing but palm. Try the white. Oh. Very strong aroma. Salted caramel pretzel.

I'm into them, mate. I could polish a bag of them off. And that's that section done. I'm not joking. That works absolutely great. Can I have a white one, please, Adam? Oh! I mean, salted caramel should work, shouldn't it?

I was in a conspiracy theory the other day that John Lennon was black. And they whitened him down. Some of your conspiracies are retarded. It's not mine. Yeah, but You just said it On a podcast And in front of other people

So it sort of is yours Now No I said I've seen it You just taken part Ownership of it No I said I've seen it You're propagating it

You're pushing it out Back into the world Have you ever seen him In real life With his makeup off Oh yeah The first Google term Oh it's a John lennon song imagine if john lennon was black that's what it is it's easy if you try

imagine all i can't actually read the name of this song because it's um racially intensive very this song because it's um very very you read that did you what fucking shite are you reading where are you reading that shite is that what you're reading when you're like two seconds two seconds is that what you is that the bollocks you're filling your day with no i'm off if i'm on my phone i'm often doing very important business no no you're not horse shit you've got loads of emails to answer you come in here and fucking go

oh my god he was black Mick Jag Mick Jag is Mexican Adam we've had two emails about sponsors do you want to answer them

two seconds two seconds Anne Widdicombe's an actual hippo fucking hell she's a hippo she's a hippopotamus. I've laughed another farce,

and it's your fault. That one's salted as well. Listen, I... I'm a bit of a nonce for, like, being pussy. All right. That's got to be good. Fucking hell. You don't help yourself, do you?

Well, I try to, but... How have you got an attractive girlfriend? You're a fucking disgrace. Fucking hell, Dan! You can't smell what I can smell. I've smelled it before. I know you have. I'm sat here discovering a really exciting new treat,

and it's got, like, salted caramel flips will now be forever coated in Adam's awful body rot. You're doing the boffin, aren't you, as well? Mate, you need to join Booper and see a doctor. What are you saying? You're both doing the boffin, aren't you? So, Sam, despite being very lovely and all that, she's not shy

and she will let a puff off and if you think mine are bad, that angelic woman who has come into my life and improved it smells like... That was a brilliant, brilliant

preface for she's a dirty, smelly bitch. She's really, really bad. Eggy. Stinky fart. And this is the big kicker. Her feet humding. Oh, wow.

But it's her own fault. So yesterday I went, is that your fucking feet? She was like, yeah, they bad. And I was like, yeah. She went, well, I woke bad and I was like yeah she went well I woke up and I had no clean tights so I had to put yesterdays on

so she had two day old feet muck in tights was she always like that or have you just indoctrinated her into your ways we've put our

our relationship as being government mandated fast forward because we spend a lot of time together because of lockdown you know we're what four months in by most relationship standards

you're about two and a half years in exactly she's just like she's dead sound but the price of someone being as sound as she is she smells she farts whenever she wants I'm genuinely like Laura.

She's the best woman that's ever let me anywhere near her. She fucking hums. She rips him. Rips him. Right from the off. We had a grace period where she pretended she didn't trump, like every woman in the history of relationships, just grimacing through it.

But then when it went, oh, it was like a dam breaking. A stinky dam. Sam told me that she used to save But then when it went, oh, it was like a dam breaking. A stinky dam. Sam told me that she used to save hers up when she went home. Yeah. And she told me this in front of her mum. And her mum was like, Adam, when she first started seeing you,

whenever she'd come back, it'd be like hours of farting. Well, it's like that old bit that I used to do about why is everyone dead nicey-nice on dates. You should just be honest in yourself. Don't even go to a nice restaurant. Just go and do your tax return at your parents' house. But like,

there is something to be said for like, I fart. But first date, you'd have to be a pretty obnoxious self. Like, there'd have to be a lot of like, strength of character. Be like,

in a pizza express, like, yeah, you want to get involved with this long term? Breathe it in now, love. So, haven't even had to start each other and i mean when we first started i think this was the third time i'd met her it was so we went out on our first date then we bumped into it on a night out we did and the third time i met her she came to the secret sundays gig that me and carl run And then she come to stay in mine. And she stayed for like two days, two nights in a row.

Can't hold them in for two, can't hold them in for 48 hours is a limit. And she didn't fart. Not once. Wow. But on the day that we were hungover, so she come on the Sunday nights. She stayed Sunday nights and she stayed Monday nights as well. So on the Monday evening, we got a chippy, and I went to collect it and just left it at my house.

And when I got to the chippy, I rang her, and she didn't answer. And then she rang me back. What was she doing? She rang me back out of breath. She was like, you all right? You all right? And I was like, yeah, I was just ringing to see if you want, like, a can of cherry Coke or a Pepsi or a Fanta, like, what do you want?

She was like, can I just ringing to see if you want like a can of cherry coke or a Pepsi or a Fanta like what do you want she's like can I have a a coke please and I was like yeah you alright she's like yeah yeah I was just brushing my teeth

I was like okay that's the best really going for it and I went you only brushed your teeth like an hour ago and she's like

yeah but I I like to keep my breath nice and fresh especially when I'm on a like sort of a date with someone she's in my house third time we've met and last week she told

me that she was actually going for a stealth shit so she was trying because she'd been in my house for a full day she needed to go for a poo but she wasn't comfortable pooing with me in the house yet in my house so she waited until I went to chipping she was like go time ran up the stairs

tried to squeeze the shit out and as she started tattling her fucking poo out her phone is still downstairs and it's rang and she's ran down to get it my god it's too much pressure let's just poo in the garden it's a really good question i didn't't ask her. Yeah. Funnily enough. I think that looks worse, doesn't it? Like, yeah, yeah. Sam, I've just put the, the rubbish from the Chinese in the bin.

No, that's not Adam. There's a large, there's a large human pit. Oh, right, yeah. I've just wased all the Chinese waste in the garage. That's better.

Just thrown it in there. Hey, my garage and garden is fucking clear at the minute. Because you paid someone to do it yeah some little Mexican fella cool

I think he was Mexican he had one of those faces hello Mr. O a Mexican face I have comfort sombrero I have comfort to take rubbish

out the garage so he turned up this is true with his little mazes he looked like a smacker and he turned up and he was like so what do you want

going everything and I was like yeah everything and I was like do you want to drink out of your hair and he goes do you have up and he was like uh so what do you want going everything and i was like yeah everything and i was like do you want to drink all your hair and he goes do you have beer and i was like yeah so i gave them a beer each corona what corona i think it was budweiser i had budweiser and i had mereti and i was like you know what you're getting paid enough for this you're not having a mereti have a bud and shut the fuck up right on. Because it's very believable, apart from the fact you're making out he was Mexican. He was a bit of one of them. Okay.

South American? South American or Spanish or Portuguese. Not a big sort of... Mexican's not South American. Central American. You absolute gobshite of a cunt. Fucking hell. I stand by every syllable in that.

You're a gobshite of a cunt. Actually hell. I stand by every syllable in that. You're a gob-shite of a cunt. Actually, Panama is a Central American as well. People are listening and they're like, that's wrong. No, they're not. No one was doing that. Where is he from? He's not genuinely Mexican, is he? Have you got the only Mexican fucking gardener cleaner in the whole of Liverpool?

Mate, he's not a gardener. He literally took bin bags out my garage, took them in a van with a smack head, asked me for beer, and he's out in the neighborhood like this. Mate, he's not a gardener. He literally took bin bags out of my garage, took them in a van with a smack head, asked me for beer, and he's having a bit like this. Where did you find them? Have you got Mexican gypsies around yours? Maybe. Mipsies.

Where did you find them, Adam? LeBron! Beck Griffin! Where did you find a Mexicanican man on a smackhead i googled disney film i googled i've been using my garage as a large bin can you help go ahead go ahead get on me come in my garage jizz in in there, have a ther-ther and fuck off. I googled waste disposal Liverpool. Yeah. Rang the mobile number that came up.

And you got a Mexican. And he was like, yes, you all sent me a picture of the problem. And I was like, yeah, go ahead. And he went, my number is, and I was like, I already know your number because I've rang you on it. And then I sent him A picture of my garage And he said

200 pounds How bad was it? It's not bad Have they left Have they left your stuff In the garage? Because that sounds like You'll lose everything

From your garage sort of deal Oh I wanted everything Out of the garage gone It was not in the garage That I wanted Right okay Hang on How long did the job take?

About an hour. You got £200 to just take some bags out? Yeah, but like... He's got to pay for the disposal, hasn't he? He's got to pay for the disposal, he's got to hire the van,

he's got to pay his smack head. Yeah, I suppose. In smack? Yeah. Smack's not cheap. He's also got to send money back to Mexico. Yeah.

I'd love to know, actually know where he's from, but Adam's definitely not going to tell us because Mexicans definitely... Honestly, if I had to, like if if this was like who wants to be a millionaire hello my friends if i was on who wants to be a millionaire and jeremy clarkson was sat opposite me and he went to right, for a million pounds.

He's asking it like that as well. For a mil. Spot on impression. Another phenomenal impression. That man who came and removed all the shite from your garage in 2021, was he Mexican? A, Mexican. Spanish?

Argentinian or Welsh you wouldn't you wouldn't be sure I'd go Mexican you'd go Mexican I'd go do you know what you're only here once

aren't you no Jez that's what they say don't they I know I've got all my lifelines left but I know

I know that's the audience but they don't remember them anyway yeah and they weren't they weren't there in that situation

actually can I use the phone of a friend and can I ring him hello my friend are questions on who wants to be in the air usually to do with the contestant's life

like question two on who wants to be in the air who's the first girl you kissed I mean it's a first time for everything, isn't it? Adam's holidays, isn't it?

So, in all truth, the garage problem was so bad, you had to pay £200 to get someone to clear it out. Yeah. Good God. There was just bin bags in there. There was, like, a bit of furniture that I'd gone, oh, I'll take that to the tip one day. I'll lash it.

You know, like a stand that's a bit fucked or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just like let it get out of hand. Ah, you've basically employed a Mexican middleman, haven't you? Everyone does what you do. They just drive it to the skit. They drive it to the tip, don't they?

You've just managed to get the only Mexican. I thought you were saying everyone employs Mexican middlemen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just employed aican middleman for weird household tasks don't they oh shit i've got to wash the cars but can't be asked getting wet jose hello that's a good name for the company as well. Jose, because of water? No, the Mexican middleman. All right.

Jose, yeah, the hose by pipes. We are on absolute fire here, guys. Fran says, if you were a billionaire, let's say you've got a cool two bill, two bill from oil and farming money, and you were going to bankroll from oil and farming, and you were going to bankroll a club from the bottom division of English football

and fund their rise, proper sugar daddy style. Get that up. Who would you choose? Why? And what would you do so you've got you're

at rowey bags what division is it there's such a lot of bollocks it's the fourth tier go to league two get league two league two

makes loads of sense league two is the fourth league we're getting the league table yes the premier league makes're getting the league table up yes the Premier League is the championship there's League 1

and there's League 2 could you make it smaller shrink it on the so we can see all the clubs oh I won't be able to read it if you make it smaller oh Jesus no

zoom like in into like and we'll just scroll down so Bolton Bolton are right in the bottom tier And they used to be

Fork Bolton yeah A Premier League club And they've got a stadium That's actually kind of Kind of nice Keep going So I think it needs to be lower league These have

Keep going These have all had the chance No it's There's a league I mean if you're going to be a billionaire Owning Scunthorpe would be fun, wouldn't it? Because Scunny would be like, what the fuck? Oh, Harrogate Town.

Jesus Christ. Harrogate Town might be quite a nice touch. Harrogate's fucking lovely, is it? Oh, yeah. It's Yorkshire Tories, basically. I would maybe think about Oldham. Just because I know they're all probably Closet Man

United fans and I'd get them to the top and then just sell them to some dickhead and like just get them just on the precipice

of success say that again just on the precipice of success oh my god fucking hell and then I'd be like do you know what fuck off and I'd sell all the players Just on the precipice of Shek Shesh. Oh my God. Fucking hell. And then I'd be like,

do you know what? Fuck off and I'd sell all the players and send them right back where they go. It's about where you, where do you actually want to be? If you're a billionaire, you've got to visit

this fucking place. Cambridge. Haven't you? So, I mean, if you were really keeping it easy, Trammere would be an option because for you guys, it's just over the water.

Trammere Rovers. But then could you, would you want to be the Liverpool fan that is the billionaire that's pulled Trammere Rovers up from the fucking

fourth tier? I'd, I think I might go, I don't know, like, where are even nice, where's there a good gig in any of these places?

Not Bradford. Salford, because it's close to Manchester. But, like, they've already got fucking... Mediacy. That's Gary Neville and Scholes, isn't that, innit? Yeah, but they're not billionaires, are they? No. Got a bit of dough, though.

So, you think you need to go lower leagues, where, like, it's fun teams? Because they're all boring, then. Right. Well, I'd happily go somewhere like Harrogate because I can just... Like, it's just...

I basically base a lot of this off, like, what are the gigs like? If I've had shocking gigs somewhere, I'm like, yeah, I don't like it. I'm not buying fucking York, mate. Can I just say, on the record, by the way, I put a thing out yesterday

for a... Where shall I bring me tour to and the third most requested place behind newcastle and glasgow is york and i don't know whether people are doing it for a laugh or whether there's an actual demand in york but i've got to send this data to my agent and he's gonna put a fucking york tour date in it's not no one is our listenership is we're not massive in york that's all the lids going oh lads i know where adam's going people are there's a couple of people who've done that and gone york only joke on manchester there's a few people who've gone like quite a few who've commented i know you say you ate it but it's not

all that bad please come to york i'm gonna end up doing a tour show in york and eating a bag of dicks for an hour well that'd be that'd be evil if they asked you to go and then made you eat a bag of dicks it'll just happen anyway because it's a fucking shite hole but it's nice really not a shite hole yeah but it's a shite hole of comedy no you're just doing exactly what I said you've just had some bad gigs and now you hate the town it's actually

a really nice city you've just had a couple of bad gigs haven't you no I blame York yeah the mayor

I lived there for a bit it was nice yeah did you yeah it was nice went to watch Adam he was shit really bad

do you have another question for me? Go on, give us two seconds. Two seconds. Don't check your phone for no reason. You said I've got two seconds. Two seconds, I've done it. I've done it. Get off your phone.

He's such a fucking... Pointless. Come on. Mate. What are you up He was doing a bit Were you just checking Supreme CBD

Nice one Sight Harriman says Would you rather have To pass up a glass Two half sights It's just fucking Mate Him and that phone

I would Ask the question I would love it If you had this weird disease Where you just made phones not work I'd love to see what you'd be like You'd be like Oh my god I didn't realise the ceiling's white.

Oh, look at everyone. Who's that cunt with the curly hair? What's his name? Finn. You'd be like a kid who could see for the first time. You know, those videos where they put the hearing aid in a little kid and they're like, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Which, by the way if you if you can watch that and not get a little like the first time I watched one of them I was like choking up a little bit here and some kid

who has these weird goggles on they're like this is Bradley's first time seeing he's like mama that would be if your phone didn't work

for like not even the whole day 20 minutes I hardly ever look at that oh mate like when we're recording oh when you're recording

thanks for giving us that what a fucking pro what's the fucking question Sy Harriman would you rather nice one Sy nice one Sy cheers mate thanks for getting us back on track nice one Sy Sy Harriman, would you rather have, nice one Cy, nice one Cy, cheers mate,

thanks for getting us back on track, nice one Cy, Cy Harriman says, would you rather have two half-sized clones of yourself, or one full-sized clone of yourself? So you get clones, a full-sized one, you want a full-sized,

or two little ones, the only reason to have a clone, is for when you don't go there, to send them to do shit, you can't be sending a midget, people will clock on to it, not a midget, half-sized on to it. Not a midget. Half size.

It's just a half size. Half the size of me. It's defo midget territory. Defo is. No, but it's not. It's perfectly, literally, just, you know, like model cars and model aeroplanes. Yeah.

They're absolutely, all the proportion. All the proportions are perfect right it hasn't got a big head in that yeah but they're still going to notice

my point still stands doesn't it I'm not going to walk in half the size of me and then be like alright dad over here no

if you get the two half size clones they can't leave the house so what's the point because it'd be fucking great having two little clones also with clones,

do you get to tell the clone what to do? Have they got independent thought? Just get them to stand on top. Put a coat on. Perfect size. Yeah, but in the house, you're like, I'm going to call Donnelly

fucking Edmund Roposner. Just go and tidy up to about that height. They're not slaves, are they? They're just other versions of you. It's like having a twin. To them, they're real. They've got sent, are they? They're just other versions of you. It's like having a twin. To them, they're real. Yeah.

They've got sentience. They think you're the clone. You can't just tell them what to do. No, because they're the person to them. I wouldn't want any, I wouldn't want, in fact, I'd want two half-sized clones because then everyone would know, oi, they're little clones, aren't they?

Because if you've got another. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happens. You'd be walking down the streets all three yeah someone's gonna be going hi mate just yeah they're little clones aren't they

yeah yeah are these your twins hi mate just two small 40 year old men they're little clones they might be

is that what they are they're little clones yeah yeah yeah no can I have one of you that's all I want no but if in a court of law if the clone's like

hey this is my house everyone's gonna be like no it's not what no right this is my problem with the clone i've got another lawyer is gonna go active going to go at them and be like, come on, mate. We're all mates here. You're fucking tiny. We can all see it.

You're fooling. No one likes it. And there's fucking two of you. But if you have another clone, if you had a full-size clone, they could be like- That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. The worst thing is,

it makes loads of sense in my head. That's it, tell it to go it makes loads of sense in my head that's it I'm telling you makes loads of sense in my head if you have another perfectly sized clone the clone could be like

no it's my house and you could be like no it's not you're the clone you'd be like nah fuck off you're the clone

and then Laura would be like I can't even tell you both look like fucking bald middle aged men so that I wouldn't

you wouldn't want that situation. But otherwise, there'd be two of them going, this is my house, this is my house, and Laura would be like, hey, they're little clones, aren't they? And you'd be like, yeah. It's a good way of knowing that they're clones. Just trust in the clones. Do you have to feed the clones,

or can you be like, oh, just fuck off, little weirdos? That would be your lawyer, wouldn't it? I understand. Hey, they're little clones, aren't they? To the jury. Have? I don't understand. Hey, they're little clones, aren't they? To the jury. Have a look. That made total sense. That little clone's on.

You can rip me all you want. Made total sense. Can you imagine getting sued by your own clone? Can you imagine getting sued by your own clone? Going, it's my life. What are you doing in my life? I'm not sure they'd waste their time in the court. Well, they'd just fuck off.

Let's hear the case of someone who thinks he's cloned, now women taking over his life. Have you seen the Netflix series Living With Myself? Yeah, it's great. Have you seen it? Paul Rudd. Yeah, it's along these lines. So Paul Rudd goes to...

There's Aisling Bea in it. Yeah. Yeah. So Paul Rudd goes to this, like, little sort of gaff. It looks like a motel doesn't it Tom Brady goes which is sick

yeah Tom Brady's in it so he walks in and they go basically we can make you the perfect version of you if you want

come on here and he goes and he comes out and he's like what everything's sick that's it right

his life's perfect he's got more joy what like colours are more vibrant he loves his perfect. He's got more joy. What? Like, colours are more vibrant. He loves his beard more. He's got a better beard. All that. But then that night, he knocks at his own door

and he answers it. And he's like, what's going on? And it turns out what's happened is he's gone in this gaff. Spoilers, by the way. He's gone in this gaff and they've cloned him

and killed the shit one. And they make the clones, like, better. And they sort of imply, they sort of imply that that's how Tom Brady keeps winning Super Bowls because as he goes in

Tom Brady's coming out that's the bit yeah and he goes to Tom Brady is this your first time and he looks at him and goes six

yeah yeah it is a really good show that sounds like a good so you go in with all your insecurities and your paranoia and your depression and you feel

fucked and you feel 44 and you and then they go yeah no worries we're going to improve you but what they're really doing is cloning you and then in the cloning process taking

out all your anxiety or your depression or your self-doubt and they're literally making you think that you're the new version and then they murder the fucked real version of you but they made the mistake they didn't kill him think that you're the new version. And then they murder the fucked real version of you.

But they made the mistake. They didn't kill him properly. That's why he's gone wrong. Happy Paul Rudd gets fucking miserable original Paul Rudd. Yeah. And they both sort of share their life for a bit. Right. So this is massive spoilers now?

Nightmare. At the end of it, it's dead annoying. Because what happens is... Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't do this. I might want to watch this. Oh, right. You should watch it. You can't. That I might want to watch this Oh right okay You should watch it

You can't Like That's too much Of a spoiler alert Okay Do you want to do it If you're not going to watch Like we can say spoilers

And tell them to skip 30 seconds Alright You I want to watch it So you do it Chris Akabusi comes Chris Akabusi comes in And he's swinging

His fucking medals, knocks them all out, gets his dick out, shags Aisling B. She has a black baby and convinces Paul Rudd and the clone that it's their kid. You finished?

Yeah. Sure? Yeah, yeah. Ah! Got big ear holes. It's an ending that most people don't see coming. It is. No, no, no. We're not going to see any spoilers. It's an ending that most people don't see coming. La, la, la, la, la. It is. La, la, la, la, la.

No, no, no. We're not going to see any spoilers. It's okay. It's quite left field. Yeah. You don't see it coming. You really don't see it coming. There's no way.

And even now that people know what it is, if they watch it now, they'll get 10 minutes before the end and be like, where's all this going to come from? Listen, I didn't even hear it Chris Akabusi hasn't even turned up yet how's he turning up

yeah is it Paul Rudd Aisling B and Chris Akabusi in it yeah Netflix have got some fuck you money, haven't they?

They have, yeah. Right, Netflix, Paul Rudd's like, I've got this idea. And they're like, yeah, great. But we like Aisling B and Chris Akabusi. So write them in. And then right at the end, Chris Akabusi's there.

Is it a wooga? No, it's John Faschner. Chris Akabusi's there. You're getting your athletes mixed up. I made that mistake in one of my first ever records. Yeah, yeah. You've learned. At the end, Chris Akabusi's there. You're getting your athletes mixed up. I made that mistake in one of my first ever records. Yeah, yeah. You've learned.

At the end, Chris Hackebusy's there with Ashlyn B and Paul Rudd and they're all hugging. And then two half-sized Chris Hackebusy's walk in and Ashlyn B goes, they're little clones, aren't they? They're little clones. What a catchphrase. It made total fucking sense, by the way. Total sense.

What if you didn't get on with your clone? What if you didn't get on with your clone what if you what if you didn't get on with your clone you'd want too many clones to be like yeah I know it looks great it looks two little great talented podcasters

but they're clearly clones stop fucking them Laura what if she what if she had a threesome with your two half-sized clones they'd make smaller ones like Russian dolls

wouldn't they oh that'd be bad and then you'd walk in on her getting double teamed by them and Russian dolls, wouldn't they? Oh, that'd be bad. And then you'd walk in on her getting double teamed by them. And she'd be like, I thought it was you. You'd be like, no, they're little clones then. They'd be climbing all over her with their little small bodies. How small would the dicks be?

She'd be there like... I don't want to see that. Oh, Christ. Dan, do you want to see that. Oh, Christ. Dan, do you want to do some more? Yes. Do you? Hey, listen to this. This podcast, I've aware as yeah,

is sponsored by beer52.com. And we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor. And I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay?

What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers

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Fern Norton. Is it in focus, Carl? This section in focus? Got it in focus? Do you want to double check that it's in focus? I'd double check it. You know, because last week, it wasn't in focus, Carl? This section in focus? Got it in focus? Do you want to double check that it's in focus? I'd double check it. You know, because last week it wasn't in focus. Oh, yeah.

I wasn't even getting at that. But that's in focus. Are we in focus? So if anyone's watching this right now, they'll be able to see our faces, our expressions. Do you want to be in focus? We want to be in focus, yeah. Do you want to be in focus? Yeah.

The camera's fine now, yeah. Is it? Is it in focus, yeah? It hasn't messed up, no, The camera's fine now, yeah. Is it? Is it in focus, yeah? It hasn't messed up, no, no. Okay, cool. If you listen on the audio, you don't give a fuck. Shout out to all the audio listeners.

We love you. Loads of you. Stuart P says, I heard celebs get given a black card for Nando's so they can get free scran whenever, even though they're minted and don't need the freebie. If you could have a black card, which chain restaurant would you go for? And if you could get a black card for a clothes shop,

which clothes shop? And if you could get a black card for a supermarket, which supermarket? So you get three black cards. What a question. Not even as a celeb, just as you want. I mean, all right.

As you are now Rowy Bags So you get You get Restaurant Clothes shop Supermarket Should we do it Should we do

Restaurant together first So just before we do it I want to tell you A quick little story About So Chris Ramsey Got a black card Comedian

I honestly remember And it really hurt my feelings And when he got it his tour support act who's a friend of ours who will be on that couch at some point Carl Hutchinson one of the best lads

one of the best lads in comedy so sound not that Ramsey's a cunt or anything but Carl Hutchinson is a particularly lovely man he got a black card too and I remember going to the Nando's

in Edinburgh you know just on the bridge with Danny McLaughlin Danny just texted me one day he's on the festival I'm going to go get a Nando's and we walk in that means

if you're going to hang out with Danny Mac at the Fringe it's going to be at a Nando's isn't it? more than bars, pubs yep and we walk in and Carl Hutchinson

is in front of us but he's just leaving. He'd just been there, like, I think his flyer into him. So he goes, what are you getting, lads? I'll get it, right? And I knew what he was doing because I knew he had a black card, but Danny McLaughlin didn't, right? He had no idea.

So it looked really, really strange, but I could see Carl was basically was basically going right i've just got a meal for me and my flyer and team because then you can get up to six meals on it in a day a day so you can take five of your friends and go this is all on this and i think he'd just done it but like four of them or whatever and i think you can only use it once a day but for up to six meals that's right do you know what i mean that's what i've heard um which is up to like that could be like 70 80 90 quid couldn't it but you you must be able to source it must be on the the nando staff to clock it and go you've already used yours it mustn't come up on the thing right

because we walk in and carl's on his way out and he's like i'm a little chat and he goes what are you getting i'm gonna get it thighs and chips and garlic bread garlic bread Danny's like I don't know yet And Carl was like tell me what you want and I'll get it But he said it like tell me what you want And I'll get it And Danny was like what And Carl goes if you tell me What you want

I'll get it And Danny was like what's going on And Carl was like shut up Just tell me what you want And I'll get it andy was like what's going on and carl was like shut up just tell me what you want and i'll get it and danny was like mate i know i'm doing like i'm not selling out every day but i can buy a fucking nando's right can i just say this is classic danny mack like why what's going on i think i think someone's trying to take him down i'd be like here's my like the first time carl went do you what do you want i'd be like, here's my order. Like the first time Carl went,

what do you want? I'd be like, are you sure? And as soon as you went, yeah, I am sure. I'd be like, wicked.

Well, I think Carl's won the Euro millions. Here's my order. But then I knew what Carl was doing. Yeah. Cause I knew he had the card. So then I went to Danny, lad,

just shut up and tell him what you want. And he was like, no, you can't do that. To someone who's deeply paranoid. And he was like, no. You can't do that to someone who's deeply paranoid. Because he's like, who's watching? I'm in a Nando's based Truman show. Just show him what you want. He's like, no, I'll get me own.

You can do whatever you want, but I'm getting me own Nando's. And I was like, he's got to feel like God. He's like, what? He's got to feel like God. He's like, I can't hear what you're saying. He's like, I can't hear what you're saying. He's like like i can't hear what you're saying he's telling you and in the end he was like i get it for free and then i think i can't remember but i think danny was like oh go on then that's the most danny mack story ever oh my god um fuck me

Carl's a good lad isn't he yeah nice one and I what said nice one he's called Carl too

remember oh he's doing fancy yeah what's his name I thought he was being eggy again after that like I thought Carl was being

weirdly nice one yeah yeah nice one he's a good lad it's a comedy podcast Dan after before you were like, I don't know what to say to that.

I'm like, oh yeah, it was a stupid thing to say. Oh my God. When you think your producer's like trying to passively aggressive mug you off. But I, and he's a good looking lad as well. But he is one of the sweaters of the industry,

isn't he? He takes three shirts to every game. Oh, it's just a, and I've said it before, Jimmy McGee in a nightclub in Cardiff, looking great, sweating like a paedophile. Like, it was so good.

Maybe. Yes, mate. Maybe he's a paedophile. And that's why he was sweating so much. Oh, God, we were at a nursery. You didn't think that. So, restaurant.

Well, I had a five guys last night And I might put my Nando's is great I might be putting my Because I've got Five guys in Chester And in Ellesmere Port And it's really handy

Are we going like fast foody Nando's-y five guys Does it have to be a chain Can we go like Our favourite restaurant I think you can go Your I mean he's

put chain restaurant all right so i will i will just an independence never gonna go hey adam we love you family owned come eat here six times a day okay bye i am funny you do that accent because on what day was it when did we record here monday Monday. Monday. I went out with Sam to a place in Liverpool. She used to work there called Baccaro, which do Italian tapas. Beautiful. And it might... Have you been before? Maybe I go all the time.

It might be my favourite restaurant. I went for my graduation. Been once. And I think it might be my favourite restaurant in Liverpool. Baccaro. Baccaro. Baccaro Street. It was so unbelievably nice.

I got some spicy sausage pasta, a fillet steak with prawns, and the sea bass. And Sam, we've got a meatball to share between us. You know, like all the slimy shit. It's like Italian tapas.

You've really been doing your bit for hospitality, haven't you? Oh mate, hospitality, if anything, needs to start doing me a favour. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Help out to eat out. Adam's just doing his one man version of it. I yeah. Help out to eat out. Adam's just doing his one-man version of it. I think I went out to eat Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. It's been a nightmare, this pandemic, hasn't it? Yeah. Get through it, babe. Yeah.

No, but that's because yesterday when we went to that Five Guys, there's loads of people outside. It won't last forever, but you'd think for this summer, even if there's never any more restrictions and nothing goes wrong in the winter, There's loads of people outside. It won't last forever, but you'd think for this summer, even if there's never any more restrictions and nothing goes wrong in the winter, like this summer should be the summer of, we can do stuff again. Like every chain restaurant at Ellesmere Port,

they've got like a, we've been there, haven't we, for a Nando's. Outside the Nando's was busy. Outside the ZZ's was busy. Mate, ZZ's dying on its fucking hole.

And there, loads of people are like, woo, we're out there. Like, every restaurant should be doing pretty well at the moment. Even Frankie and Benny's had people outside. Frankie and Benny's is not that good, is it? Frankie and Benny's feels like they just go to Iceland and microwave frozen pizzas and shit.

I have never agreed with you more on this podcast. It's so bad. It's so bad. It's really bad. It's for kids' birthday parties when they're like 15, isn't it? 100%. I wouldn't even take any kids there. No, it's not.

It's like easy, like, oh, yeah, it's only a quid a pizza. It's not like... It's so shit. Yeah, it is. It's so unbelievably shit. Can I, can I, a little shout out? Not everyone agrees with me on this.

Still like going in a Pizza Hut sometimes. Like, it's a bit vintage. It's a bit out of date now. We've been to pizza huts, haven't we? I kind of enjoy it. In Blackburn, it was lovely. I kind of enjoy it. Also, it's great for kids.

It is great for, like Etta loves going there because you get to make your own salad and you can shout and everything. Going to it like a proper pizza express, you feel like everyone's going to go, why did you bring children? But a pizza hut is a shit bring children Pizza Hut is a shit place

Get focused Because it's like Pizza Planet from fucking Toy Story And it's just Like Over the top thing I

I might be putting Five guys as my option Because it's expansive You'd be popular If you were like Lads Anytime you wanna go Just hook me up

I can take five Five of you With me I I know it seems like such a fucking tap in but it might have to be

Mach-E's I was thinking Mach-E's it's so accessible and everyone loves you everywhere yeah and it's a clever one because you're not having

five guys for breakfast unless you're an animal but you are having I mean I eat McDonald's more for breakfast than I do for

for mainsies. I think it's got to be Mackey's. Mackey's is death-o. All over the world. In the conversation. Oh, yeah.

God, there's a black card worker all over the world. Yeah, it's a good thing. Good thinking. Next time I'm in Nantucket. Yeah.

Next time. Which one? All cheese. What did you say? Nantucket yeah I didn't know the favourite rhyme the famous rhyme

yeah there once was a woman in Nantucket who got fucked on a bucket there were whalers up there she'd come on the floor

so she couldn't no more it's a rhyming bucket and that's the end of the rhyme what you got it's a rhyming bucket come on come have you got? It's got a rhyme with Booker. Come on.

Come on. I said me dick's out now, sucker. Great save. He was being heckled mid-poet. Listen, you fucking poet haters, poetry haters. He was being heckled and he still fucking blocked it out. Finn, come on. You've got to vote here.

You've not got your own microphone, but you can share a call said mackie's i was thinking 100 almost famous i was thinking was a good shout mainly because when i go there i just get the cheapest thing on the menu because i'm skint student the thing with almost famous is oh you can't claim skint student totally really can you because it can you i'm paying a lot of rent yeah oh yeah yeah he's still paying his ex-girlfriend's rent he pays yeah yeah he pays his own rent he pays his family's rent and he's paying his dad's rent in turkey yeah it's all true yeah but you earn more than my wife did at her job before she went on maternity leave so come on bro i've not been been since I've had this job.

Carl, Laurie yesterday went, where's this come on, bro thing from? Because you're saying it a lot. I'm actually trying to say it less on the podcast because I don't want to piss people off. I was like, it's from Carl. She was like, eh, from Carl. I'll be having my words.

Almost Famous is a good restaurant but is the one in real Almost Famous is really good but it's an effort like it's is it in Liverpool

yeah you've got to get a bath yeah right actually after you've got to take you've got to at least take a flannel with you yeah

you can't go out after an Almost Famous do you know what I mean you can't go to Almost Famous then go in a nice house you just can't do it you can't have it in an almost famous do you know what I mean you can't go to an almost famous and then go in a nice house you just can't do it you can't have it in the car you could never have

an almost famous in the car you'd have to get it valeted six times I have to say that about shoestring onions five guys they make it like

the old American takeaway burger yeah and it is it's edible as a burger five guys is

a really good middle ground between a proper gourmet burger gaff and a takeaway burger gaff. It's in that middle ground. It's really, really, really good. Expensive, don't it? But it's too expensive for what it is. Not if you've got a fucking black card, lad.

That's true. I think Mach-E's is the one. It's worldwide in it as well. Mach-E's, you can get Chicken, beef, fries Fruit bags Milk Milkshakes Milk Freckie

Fruit bags If you want Yeah if you're on a diet Yeah Fruit bags Why is Mackie's good Fruit bags Yeah yeah

They do really well On the fruit bags Toys What have we got on the Clothes shop then Clothes shop I don't know Because you want something

That's kind of all encompassing Selfridges I mean can you include The clothes shop then? Clothes shop. I don't know, because you want something that's kind of all-encompassing. Selfridges. I mean, can you include... The clothes shop, though? Yeah. Well, they sell household items and stuff, don't they, as well?

They do, yeah. I think so. It's an apartment store, isn't it? Cheating. So it can't be at the apartment store? I think maybe that is sort of, yeah, because then

you could take your black guard to, are you buying like a fucking Tory sieve? Yeah. Because every time I think of like Self sort of, yeah, because then you could take your black card to, are you buying like a fucking Tory sieve? Yeah. Because every time I think of like Selfridges, for anything but like clothes, which are expensive, it's basically like, oh, I bought some coffee from the deli area

and it's 42 pounds. I think they could argue that they'd be like, no, mate, that's for clothes. Is ASOS an option? Because, motherfucker, that website's amazing. It's not a shop. It's not a shop, no. Is ASOS Is ASOS an option Because Motherfucker That website's amazing Not a shop Not a shop

No Alright It's an online store Doesn't it Alright 2010 I Get with it

I would go Maybe All Saints Right Or Zara I was about to say Zara But I'd have a stipulation with Zara. I was about to say Zara. But,

I'd have a stipulation with Zara. I'm happy to pay half price if it counts as a queue skip. Because the queues to get in Zara just do me a din. Yeah. That'd be a chain shop as well, yeah. Yeah, I mean it's, yeah.

I'd go with the Nike shop then. The Nike shop. You're going JD? Someone commented, someone commented on the Patreon and I apologise, I'm not going to be able to find your name, literally went,

stop shopping in JD. They're the most Tory of all the sports shops. So apparently JD's getting some stick, man. Well, if you could provide us with another sports shop to go to, then... How's JD Tory? In what way? Could you get back to...

It's just because it's a massive chain, isn't it? Maybe he's worked for JD and they're a bit pushy maybe Foot Locker would be an option Foot Locker's good because they get

some exclusive they do get exclusives JD's webs are shit yeah they are JD's webs and webs and webs are shoes is already wearing them

webs are shoes yes okay good there you go that's one for the over 50s I'd go for the Nike shop or the North Face shop probably the North Face shop

actually anyone thinking Primark in your head sort sort your fucking head out. You've got a black card already. It's called a fiver. You'd be able to shop. You'd be able to shop. That was great.

I was like, I've got something. No, okay. That was all right. You'd be able to shop in all saints, though. Like you shop in Primarkark just get in the bag fuck it yeah yeah yeah also

I think these black cards would be so funny at Christmas when like Adam was doling out his presents again the first Christmas

everyone would be dead sound by the second and third Christmas alright Adam yeah I wonder what this piece of clothing is by any chance it's from Zara

oh you're so thoughtful cunt I bought some shorts I was like, all right, Adam, yeah. I wonder what this piece of clothing is. By any chance, it's from Zara. Oh, you're so thoughtful, cunt. I bought some shorts from Zara the other day and it was absolutely infuriating when I got them home because I bought two of the exact same pair just in different colours. One blue, one like cream. And both bought 32-inch waist.

One of them is a bit loose and the other one, I'd have to lose six stone to get them on and the other one i bought a medium because my legs are quite like my lower half is quite small i'm very sort of top heavy like a robin red breast so i bought a medium nowhere near me i might need the extra large like a robin red breast perfect actually in it yeah like a toffee apple sam said i look like mike wazowski i'm watching you wazowski what are we going for the supermarket i'm just gonna go with like asda can i use it online yeah waitrose then in it go fucking posh if you're getting it for free

hang on we're going to order though what are you doing that for i think do you think the owners of asda the american walmart owners of asda yeah are any better than the owners of waitrose yeah because one by us i think waitrose probably pay more tax in the uk than has to do so right it's a British company innit now that's why I don't use Amazon or

the waitrose sell like game stuff innit no ah you see that's where if you're playing the game

you want one of those supermarkets that have got so much fucking stuff when I went to buy the car there is a

Tesco Extra off the M60 near Stockport. Jesus Christ, that's a big fucking Tesco. That's like, you're in a clothes section going, this is bigger than most clothes shops. And like, yeah, if you had a black card at one of them. I really feel like with Tesco, it's down the line of like, they've got everything

but it's not cheap but it's also i think waitrose can be a bit much when you want just fucking cheese and they're like oh i've got this lovely brie and you're like i just want standard working class cheese dickhead i don't want it like with flex of chili you mean cheddar yeah i just sometimes like the meat counter in Waitrose is a little bit ostentatious like oh my god

look at all these all this have you got any cooked ham have you got any wafer thin yeah honey roast ham

what's turkey ham yeah what's working cast cheese you know fucking the cheese it's in a slice this is a question

what is turkey ham that has bugged me Turkey ham For a long fucking time Don't google it Don't google it Yeah we're not going to ruin it What is turkey ham?

Prince Charles Do you know what it is? Can I guess? It tastes horrible I think Is it like Is it turkey But like just cut like ham?

No because then You get turkey cut like ham It's called turkey What's turkey ham what do they do to pork do they smush it into a massive cold sausage and then slice it

and that's how we get ham maybe you get a pig to fuck a turkey that's it that's what you were getting at a turkey ham why isn't it a turkey that fucked a pig

because pigs are bigger so more likely that they're doing the bummer that is a that is a that is a different bit of imagery that isn't it I would honestly

rather go back to talking about the queen getting all them dicks than thinking of a turkey getting like

the poor turkey so what's turkey on it's just something weird fucking winged pig So what's turkey ham? Just something weird fucking winged pig that comes out like The farmer's like, just kill it and put it in a fucking sandwich. Google it now, let's see what it actually is.

Alright, let's see. Turkey ham's coming up on the Google. This is what Finn does for a job. He puts turkey ham the Google. This is what Finn does for a job. He puts turkey ham into Google. Type in what is turkey ham. Yeah. Turkey ham is processed meat,

primarily cooked or cured turkey meat. Knew it was. And water, because that really adds to the meat, doesn't it? All that water. Formed into the shape of a ham. I was fucking right.

What's a ham? You know, like a ham. Oh was fucking right. What's a ham? You know, like a ham. Oh, like a gammon. There you go. I was right by accident. So what, you're going Asda? I'm going Sainsbury's.

I like Sainsbury's. Sainsbury's has got Nargos in it. You could cheat the system there. No, I don't think your black card would work there. I think they'd have you on a technicality. That's like the McDonald's that's in an Asda. You can't get your Maccy D's and then take it to the Asda tills, can you? No.

Come on, guys. Very serious. I would go Waitrose just because I want the free Tories gone. Because I like good bread. They do really good bread. You can get a good rye. Make a Reuben with it.

Yeah. You've really come a long way you aren't your kid not i've seen the pictures that we've been putting on the have a word instagram oh follow me on instagram at dan has a podcast i've got way more followers than my sister and she's been working really hard to be an influencer for the last seven years and i got instagram a year and a half ago and because of this podcast it's doing really well and i really i don't i'm not even that asked about instagram i just think it's entertaining on instagram adam rowe at adam rowe comedian at dana has a podcast mainly to wind someone up but they've been putting pictures of like when they were kids up like the stories of like you banging

out pound coins from the back of a TV. Yeah. And now you're sat here going, I think I'd choose Waitrose, you know? Do you know what I remember the other day? I seen someone like... You've done well. You've come up, lad. I seen, like, there's this...

I won't name her. Because she's fucking dead annoying. But there's a... A female comedian. there's a a female comedian do you know I put that back

on and tightened it and you're like you've yanked it out yeah well I I move it don't I we'll go for a break in a minute and also I feel a bit

like Freddie Mercury at the minute so you know you win some you lose some who's got Prince AIDS now I've just seen

a couple of whingy comedians oh I see I see what happened there he wasn't Prince was he they were different people Who's got Prince AIDS now? I've just seen a couple of whingy comedians. Oh, I see. I see what happened there. He wasn't Prince, was he? They were different people? They were different people.

Just an AIDS joke. It was just an AIDS joke. Let it go. You're a fucking mess, Ro. What the fuck? Fuck you. I am. Reporting here from the 1948 World Cup.

There's four teams in the group stages. Italy, Uruguay, England. Why did they all sound like that? Yeah. Did they put it on? And Queen Margaret. It's like radio people. Why do they all sound exactly the same? Princess Elizabeth is taking so many

dicks in the middle of the pitch. She's swallowing all the cocks of the Uruguayans. But not many people know it's her because she is dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker well ahead of it. I don't even get the reference. She's just had some Prussians just on her face.

Yeah. What was I talking about? I seen someone moaning about like She's just had some Pressions Just on her face Erm Yeah What was I talking about Yeah I seen someone moaning About like This is so Art-hearted How er

How the pandemic's Done their head in It's an open spot comedian Whinging that they've Worked dead hard And they're dead middle class And posh and annoying I've worked dead hard

And now I just feel like It's all in the bin And I was just like Oh shut up You fucking Cunt oh shut up you fucking cunt just shut up was this on Instagram

it was on Sutton and it just dumbed me head in because I remembered how I often forget how sort of shit it was

at the start of stand up do you know what I mean where you're begging for gigs you're not getting the ones you want there's people who aren't as good as you getting gigs over you

because like they know the promoter better or whatever's going on. And then I remember, I was talking to you about this a couple of weeks ago. My dad at one point, when I first started to stand up, couldn't afford the internet. We didn't have the internet in the house because my dad was that skin because he was on benefits and he was ill. And I used to have to go and stand outside the Ladbrokes on Muirhead Avenue

and steal their internet to apply for gigs And then I remember that when I seen this person going The pandemic has really made it hard for me as a gig Yeah, we know Made it hard for everyone You stupid posh cunt Until you stood outside the Ladbrokes in the rain Applying for a gig that you're not going to get

Suck my dick I live closer than the Ladbrokes What? I live closer to you than the Lab Brooks. Yeah, but I couldn't stand outside yours. You could claim in, though.

That is it. Mate, I really want that in the autobiography. Yeah. I want the tale of you having to check if you've got a gig or not by standing outside a

fucking Lab Brooks window, stealing the internet. Yeah. And now I'm sat here in a jumper that costs too much money with a fake Rolex on

and a fucking mic stand that you've yanked off the table. It feels like you're going to interview people, like you're doing Vox Pops. What do you think? Shall we have a break? I'm hungry as well, you know. I'm starving, mate. Starving.

Shall we go for lunch? Yeah. Got Sam Avery in today, aka the Lerner parents. Scouse comic. Helped me out a lot when I started. Oh, he's a good guy. What's happening, guys?

Ooh, look at your outfit. Shocking. You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking T-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaypod.com.

You want some official Haveaway merch? Go to haveawaypod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't believe in the house like that. You want a hoodie you've got on it's horrible you look a joke don't be leaving the house like that you want a hoodie

that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it haveawaypod.com well because last week I started talking

you were like why do you always start like that and I thought I'm going to let Adam take the fucking because you went hello

you didn't start by saying anything funny or uninteresting you just went hello it made you it's bad. You didn't start by saying anything funny or uninteresting. You just went, hello. It made you look like a twat. It made me feel awkward. Carl was upset.

He texted me about it. Yeah, I texted him that and then. He is a prick sometimes, isn't he? God bless him. I'm financially tied to the cunt, but he is a massive bellwhip sometimes. Hiya, Sam. Hiya.

You doing all right? You're all right. Nice to see you. It's a tradition, isn't it, to ignore the guest for at least 30 seconds It's nice to see behind the curtain though And see how you really get on with each other People think we ignore the guest

For an hour and a half That made me really laugh when someone commented On the Jamie Webster episode and said Why didn't you talk for an hour I know we're not showing An empty couch for an hour and ten minutes But come on, guys. You must know.

I thought it was a bit rude that you left a guest just sat there for two full fucking sections. Nice to see you, Sam. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. Yeah, it's great to be here. I love this setup. It's absolutely lovely.

It's nicer than my house. And I still love it. It's nicer than my house? I love it when people love it as well. I'm proud of this than anything I've got at my house because we're used to it now aren't we we just turn up and it's like and when we used to walk in at the start and be like i fucking loved it and we still do that but like it was like a novelty at the start if you'd ever have a sleep over like please put me on the list because i would i would come and like i don't even mean to

be you know aired i'm not trying to get extra promo I just want to sleep here because it feels like a that is a fucking corking idea that'll be yeah okay I'll tell you where it falls down immediately bags on the couch where are you sleeping I'll bring a blow-up bed and where are you putting it behind the desk if only I was a half-sized clone I've got I've got loads of camping stuff I can bring we put a tent up in our house last week just in there because we're bored because it's lockdown

there's nothing to do so we just put a tent up you put it in the house in the room it was a bit big it was bigger than the room so it didn't quite just to entertain the kids

you were like fuck it we're going to go tent in house yeah just sound the kids slept in it but then I got in it the next day when they were just playing

somewhere else and I just lay in it for a bit I zipped it up and I was just like scrolling through Facebook for about 20 minutes. I was thinking about something along these lines last night, right?

Look, how old are you, Sam? I'm 42. And you're 40? 40. So at any point, I imagine after what you've just said, the answer's no. But do you ever feel like an adult?

Because I don't to this day. Like I was screaming at my Xbox at one o'clock this morning and I had a moment where I was like, I wonder if this will ever, I'll ever grow out of this. Mate, in my head, I'm 24. That's the age. Everyone's got an age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 24's mine. I'm 18. I know exactly. Yeah, people have got different ages. I spoke to a woman once at a gig and I was trying to get this bit going. And I said, you know, she looked about 60.

I said, how old are you? I don't want to ask, but you know how old I is? She went, I'm 63 or something. I said, have you got an age you always feel you're out in the head and she said i've never i never really feel a day over about 40 and i was like 40 that doesn't really you know get to me point really because i thought everyone felt young but she felt middle aged constantly but and how old was she she was about 60 maybe maybe that's not the sort of like 20 year factor. Maybe, yeah.

Yeah. How old do you feel? I think 20, because me and Sam are basically the same age. We started out together in stand-up, but you started maybe a year or so after me.

A year after you, yeah. Yeah, I remember you turning up at the Frog. We've lived a fucking similar gig, haven't we? You had kids earlier than me and everything, but I think 24, 25

is that, I don't feel loads different this is when it's bad when you see someone on tv and they're like oh yeah like rachel's 14 you're like she's fucking ancient and then i have to say like laura do i look that old she's like no you can tell she's thinking yeah mate yeah you're 40 and you've not looked after yourself gareth barry the football player was like oh he's old. He's like three years younger than me. It's horrible. Being an NFL fan is brutal.

They're talking about Ben Roethlisberger. He's like 39. They're like, he's aging, mate. He's nearly dead. I'm like, he's a year below me at school. Yeah.

It's when I see people who I knew when I was younger, who I haven't seen for a while. Like on Friday last week, when I went out, there's a lad who was my mate's younger cousin and he used to play footy with us

but he's quite good at footy, he's about 6 years younger than us but like he was good so when we were like 16 even though he was 10 it wasn't ridiculous that he was playing with us you know what I mean and he comes up to me and he's like you don't remember me do you and I was like oh Scott it's Scott isn't it and he was like yeah I've been watching your podcast

it's good isn't it and I was like how old are you now and he said whatever it is like 22 23 and I was like, oh, Scott, it's Scott, isn't it? And he was like, yeah, I've been watching your podcast. It's good, isn't it? And I was like, how old are you now? And he said, whatever it is, like 22, 23. And I was like, you're 11 and you always will be 11. Absolutely. My sister's best mate, her younger sister has gone through a divorce and I haven't really seen this girl since she was about nine. And in my head, a girl in a primary school

uniform has just gone through a nasty divorce because she's always going to be little in my head but it's the weirdest thing like yeah yeah she's 34 i i forget what i look like though as well i forget i'm bald sometimes and i have to i see like a picture of myself and i go oh yeah i've got no hair and i've been bald for many many years or a big moment for me in terms of like realising how old you are is I needed glasses I think for about five or six years

before I actually got them so I was like driving and I was I didn't have a sat nav I used to print off the AA road map like things this is how long ago it was

and I'd be driving and I'd be like looking and my eyesight was terrible and finally I went to the are you getting headaches oh it was awful yeah and what's it called

where you I was going to say stigmata then. That's the other thing. Stigmatism. Stigmatism, yeah. Stigmata. I had these fucking holes in each hand. Jesus.

And I thought, I need fucking bifocals. And I'm the Messiah. Nightmare day. Because as we know, Jesus' vision was not as great as it was. No. So I got glasses. And I put the glasses on. nightmare day because as we know Jesus' vision was not as great as it was so I I got glasses and I put the glasses on

and for the first time in a long time I could see the world the way it's meant to be and I was like oh my god and then I looked in the mirror and I saw my face

the way it was for the first time I was like fuck I've been partying far too much yeah in HD

I'm quite happy to just stay partially blind I think I'm really handsome so Sky Sports when Sky Sports News went into HD i think they sacked half of the girls that worked as like the sports news readers all of a sudden you were like mate she's dead fit and then hd you're like oh whoa whoa whoa whoa kirstie gallagher and on only fans and half of them are on the tiller to palm bacon oh my kirstie gallagher still got it i buy vanilla slava on a day yeah um that awful thing where you just feel like a certain age but then there's moments like that moment with the

xbox or the playstation like those moments still happen because you're like oh i'm just a big kid but then there's moments when you're like you get the like utility bills in and you've already paid it because you've been dead organized you're like what the fuck i'm not there's moments where like i drive into b&q and i find parking really easy i'm like oh b&q is quiet i'm like oh it's creeps in like the boring dad shit sort of creeps in you're still a young bellend but you can you catch you doing these moments go brilliant we got the primary school we wanted. Like, oh, fucking idiot. I went to the Asda at quarter past three yesterday afternoon, which is when everyone's picking the kids up,

and it was fucking empty, and I knew it would be. And literally on the way there, I was like, it's going to be dead here because everyone's picking the kids up or at work. And as I turned in, I was like, yes. And then I had a little moment with myself where I was like, you just silently on your own in your car celebrated there being more than normal car parking spaces available those little moments it's not even the things that you're doing it's the fact that you're getting the same thrill

out of doing those mundane adult things that you used to do for like you know going out and meeting people and standing on a podium and getting off your head or like i i chatted to the bin man the other day my green bin was too was too full because i've been they don't they don't empty that i realize we're going into very boring territory and that's precisely the point don't empty they don't empty the green bin and if you're watching joe anderson why because you're not in charge anymore um but they don't empty the green bin as much as they should over like the winter period so it'd been about five months and i've been putting like potatoes in there cauliflowers and all the scraps and all that because i'm you know that's the thing i'm like you've got an allotment it's good for the

earth you know and then degradable yeah when when our neighbor puts the bins out um my wife doesn't know that so i still get the benefits but sorry you've got a neighbor that puts your bins out he puts my bins out does he put them back he puts them back he's 84 fuck is this guy his name's don and i'm sure don the 84 year old retired bin man who can't let it go don't worry sam i got one more case in me i've had two hip replacements but i'll do the work let me back chief i've still got it. But, so I, he actually knocked on my door and said,

I'm really sorry, Sam, but I can't put your bins out this week. And I thought he was going to be, you know, some big reason. And he just said, it's too heavy.

I'm 84. He said, my son tried and he couldn't move it either. Did you sack him? So I just said to him, I'm going to have to, you're going to have to move. I was done.

You're going to have to live somewhere else. So I moved it. And then the bin man came and then the bin lorry, I saw that they couldn't move it going to have to move. I was done. You're going to have to live somewhere else. So I moved her. And then the bin men came. And then the bin lorry. I saw that they couldn't move her. So I ran out and I went. It's getting like an articulate. Honest to God.

It's like. And I said, you haven't entered my bin. And he said, oh, it's too heavy. It's health and safety. I said, well, what if I bring it to the van? And he went, go on then. And I took her to the van. And he said, the van might not lift it up.

It might be too heavy. But it lifted it up. And then I brought it back to the house. And as I walked back into then. And I took her to the van. And he said, the van might not lift it up. It might be too heavy. And he put it, lifted it up. And then I brought it back to the house. And as I walked back into the house, I thought, pretty good story to tell me mate that. And it's fucking not. And now I'm telling it on a podcast. That's how bad it is.

Not only are you having those little moments, you're going, that is an anecdote. Yes. I think I'll wait until I'm talking to at least 30,000 people using the internet. That is lovely. What the fuck would you have done

if they hadn't taken it? What are you going to do with a heavy bin? Something's going through my mind. The amount of shite in there, not to mention the bodies, but the amount of stuff in there, I was thinking

I'm going to have to like take bits of it in my car. It's going to stink out the car. You sexy motherfucker. Where are you going, Sam Sam go for another tip chip wouldn't you have just shoveled it into the purple one at the bottom

below your bin bags could have done can't take advice from Adam this is what Adam would do with that green bin when it got too heavy he'd put it in the garage put fucking petrol on it

burn it and the garage and then be like yeah council deal with that I'll get a Mexican in a fucking forklift to come and deal with it. He wouldn't.

What he'd do is he'd buy a new bin and just completely forget about that one. I mean, that would be option two, to be fair. But what I would do is get a shovel and dig half of it out into the purple bin, cover the purple bin with all me bags. Normal waste. Yeah.

Wrapper. Yeah. Black bin liner. Just hide the rubbish and then they'll tip it in and then as the mud's going in too late isn't it the bins already upside down then ah that's mud yeah yeah it's your mud now too late i'm back in the house shut the door and then next week you do it again no just next week they can they'll be able to move after been monthly yeah so yeah possibly it yeah possibly you're all looking at me expecting me to be a fucking moron aren't you

I don't think you do any of that I think you just give up on the green bin yeah you buy a new bin Adam where's your green bin it's over there it's been there since 1994

and I'm not touching it I've got to say I was just filled with too much panic to have the foresight to think about options you're talking about option one option two

which is admirable but I was just like I almost started begging with the guy you look what am i gonna do please please what i'd actually do is steal a neighbor's bin and already have the numbers to paint on it so that i could be like got 34 on it mate like is gangster my bin which neighbour which neighbour any a vulnerable one I'd pick one with

one of the numbers the same so you only have to use less paint you could just get a 14 or a 24 I would fucking lose my shit

if one of my neighbours pulled that shite but they can't do anything because I'd just be like it's my bin and they'd be like prove it and I'd be like

it's got 34 written on it what about the bin that's full you claim when that's theirs I'd just be like I don't know who I'd be like, it's got 34 written on it. But then what about the bin that's full? You claim when that's theirs. And I'd just be like, I don't know who done that. I was there when I moved in. That's why I don't move it, because it's not my bin.

I didn't put anything in it. It was there when I moved in. The landlord wouldn't do anything about it. And you had two bins as well when you moved in. Adam's done fly-tipping on his own fucking road. Moved it slightly off his property, going, that's not mine. Don't know what that is. It's gone. Someone has come and nicked my green bin. Filled it, put it there. Not mine. fucking road moved it slightly off his property going that's not mine don't know what that is someone has come and nicked

my green bin filled it put it there not mine I'll tell you what I often have to do because I

am what you would call lenient with recycling yeah I would not no no no that's not what

I would call you I would call you a fucking purple bin legend everything but a plutonium in it goes wrappers cabbage

if it's recycling bin week then I will make an effort to put the stuff in the recycling behave mate stop projecting on me no I will you don't need to I'm telling you the truth

no you're not I am you're telling yourself a lie look if there's a pizza box it's easier to just put it in the blue bin than fold it and put it in the bin bag's easier to just put it in the blue bin than fold it and put it in the bin bag anyway right so it's straight in the blue bin oh i'm sorry to have

dragged you down into this road adam's recycling or lack of it is really entertaining he had to pay someone to come and empty his garage because he'd been using it as a big excess bin site jesus christ i've got to say i would watch would watch a Netflix programme about bin politics on a cul-de-sac. Would you? I would, yeah. No one else would. That would be Netflix having done every murder in history. Got nothing left, yeah. This week in bin weeks.

There was six bins in Japan, you know? Six. Shut up. Yeah, and if you put the wrong thing in the wrong bin, you get a letter through your post. You have to kill yourself. Where's that? It's like an honour system, isn't it? And if you did it again, they'd come and knock at your door and go,

we're not taking your bags next week. You get a yellow note. They'd come and knock and tell you. You get a letter from the emperor. Shame on your family. All of a sudden, Takeshi's castle makes sense, doesn't it? You have put a munch bunch. No, but what I often have to do is my purple bin

will be full on purple bin week and I'll have like two three bin bags that are full that won't quite fit in it so I just wait

until about midnight and I go and put them in other people's oh I do that I do that yeah yeah yeah I do that it's bad form

why is it bad form if there's room why not no it's just annoying I did it once why is it annoying it affects their life

in no way whatsoever they're already asleep or dead yeah I suppose just after Christmas you know when you got all the bottles the recycling

I had three empty bottles of whiskey that I had to put in and loads of other shite and I had my headphones in and I listened to I love how you said Christmas as if

like for me that couldn't be a Tuesday in June just random yeah what's the big occasion well it was sunny wasn't it

or it was rainy yeah well it was overcast so i thought i'd have a drink but i i uh i accidentally ended up listening to uh as i was going through neighbors bins putting other stuff in in their bins under the cover of darkness i was listening to credence clear clear water revival run through the jungle which is a proper like you know down out like you you actually go on a heist or something you put you put literally your own theme music alive yeah for the first time perhaps ever sam you're the most being anecdotes of anyone i'm done now i've got two wait till scott bennett is about this i'll be walking gutted maybe we could collab i want to

go back to you mentioned before that you forget that you're bald. Yeah. You suit your bald, don't you? Thanks. You do? I think I do. And I just want to know, at what point you made the decision to go,

I'm bickering? Have I ever known you when I've been bald? Did I have hair when I first met you? Is a better way of phrasing that question. I think you had a little bit. Right. I think you were still, yours went in about 2010, I i was that's when i started yeah i i probably kept my hair

longer than i should have done i say hair literally singular okay so it is is a good frame of reference for you the press shots you were using you can slide one of these in oh jesus christ were the ones of you with the banana yeah a labor government labor government was in power when that was taken that was 2008 that was too that was a long time ago they're the ones that were like yeah so that's that's how i remember you as when i started yeah i i kept me here longer than i should have done because it was because i'm tall yeah so less people sorry but i always say this to anyone just walk around me honestly but i never bought gigs in where there was a balcony yeah just wouldn't know balconies Less people sorry. But I always say this to anyone. Just walk around me that time.

Honestly. But I never put gigs in where there was a balcony. Yeah. Just wouldn't do it. No balconies. And who else on the bill? Is there... How tall are we? I can't do it.

I'm busy. Not gigging with Wigglesworth. Yeah. Can't do it. And he's got a cracking barnet as well, hasn't he? So I always say to anyone who's on the fence about that, being bald is great. Going bald is horrible.

Because once you've made that decision it's great and i had a chat in a pub with a guy one christmas and we just got you know me and my mates were in one corner and they were next to us and i got chatting to him it was dead hot and he had like a coat on and a hat and what's going on with your hat he went oh i'm losing my hair i said well just just pick it off mate look at me look at me i was like a trendsetter for him and he was looking at me going I haven't got the guts to do it. And I felt like I gave him like a motivational talk to do it.

I felt like, what it must feel like for like an older gay man to talk to a younger gay man about coming out the closet. I don't want to make this bigger than what it was. It's just the same.

It's exactly the same. Mum, dad, sit down. I've got something to tell you. I'm bored. I was bored. We know, son. We've known for a long time. it's exactly the same dad sit down i've got something to tell you i'm coming out as bald we know son we've known for a long time we've suspected it for years i've been lying to myself when you came out of your bedroom at seven with a shower cap on we were like son you've got a 14 inch forehead we know

so i was absolutely blathered, and I left the pub feeling like I'd made this big impact on this young individual, and he probably just thought I was a dickhead, didn't he? It's very rare someone... He's gay now. He's gay. I think he misunderstood what you were talking about.

You just need to fuck men. Oh, and be bald. It's very rare someone looks stupid bald, but it's very easy to look stupid balding. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? When it's just like the middle of your head backwards. Yeah.

Your hairline's like, you know, waving at you and that. To be called a baldy, because I shaved mine off when I was 23. Right. And I remember being on the train over to Leeds, and it was brutal. There'd been like a concert of all the X Factor, or like it was probably. There'd been like a concert of all the X Factor or like, I was probably 2006, 2007. And there was loads of like brownies and girl guides in the troupe who'd all been.

And I was, they were just dominating the carriage. And I was getting fucking heckled by like 10, 11 year old girls going, Bobby! Like just getting shit. When you're that age, you're like, well, why am I bald at 23? By the time you get to 30 and you're losing your hair, as long as you shave're that age you're like oh why am i bald at 23 by the time you get to 30 and you're losing your hair as long as you shave it off you're like yeah i'm just bald like

it's fine it's when you're a bit younger and it's going that's the hard bit did you have nice hair did you have nice hair when you still had it i was balding i was trying to spike it up i look at pictures of myself and i'm like for fuck's's sake, Dan. You're just doing a futuristic Bobby Charlton. Instead of going sideways, I was going up like, fuck at it. Dan looks like he was stood directly in front of the sun from the Teletubbies. Bad. Bad. But when you get to a certain age, you're like, yeah, it don't matter.

But if you're denying it, if you're denying it, people can rip you. Oh, yeah. Like, if you're in your 30s, still going, no, still got it. Still got it. Yeah. That's not a good look.

I'm terrified of going bald because I've got an enormous head. Yeah. And it's just going to look ridiculous. But your hair is regenerating. You've got Benjamin Button fucking hair. You've got beautiful hair I really want to rip it

but it looks better every time I see the fucker do you know who you'd look like have you seen American History X yeah you're the big fat fella fuck off

oh his head you wouldn't look like him you'd have his head no you wouldn't look like him you'd just look like his head you know you know in that film

you're the big fat fucker and then the most brutal pause is everyone's like bloody hell Karl yeah I mean his head or his body I don't even want

I don't even know what to say to that I think I would look like erm meatloaf in 51st state oh yeah it's not such a bad look that's better

everything about you is so sick it's a bit late now isn't it we're 29 and we've still got solid hairlines mate you're solid don't worry about it.

Also, if it starts thinning in your 30s, that's life. It's going in your 20s when you're meant to be young and virile and you're like, what the fuck? But as soon as you're picking off, then you don't have to spend money on shampoo, product. Every time you wake up, you're like, bang.

You could literally, that hair that you wake up with in the morning is exactly how you'd have it on your fucking wedding day. Like, there's no prep, no effort. There are some advantages. My wedding photos, I look horrendous because I was still clinging on. That was probably about a year before.

So when did I get married? About eight years ago. And my wife saw a picture of us on our wedding day and she looked at it and she looked at me and she said, oh my God god you look worse then than you do now which i thought was a horrible way to phrase that she could have said you look better now than you did then yeah she said it's so subtle isn't it yeah you look worse then than you do now implicating that i look terrible now but i looked fucking way worse then it's like

horrible i was like you could just pick your sentences a little bit better once a week i go on my facebook memories and there's a picture of me or me and Carl from when we were like 18, 19, 20, 21. And Carl hasn't changed much since he grew his beard. But before his beard looks a bit like... I just look the same without a beard. You don't. And I've got short hair. You look really stupid.

You're that fella on American History X. You don't look like him you're like ed norton i don't know why people make the with the weddings like they absolutely go out of the way to make themselves look the best they've ever looked and then you get married have kids and then you start looking terrible so i think you've sort of cheated that that's a great way of looking a bit shit on your wedding day means every time you look at those pictures like do you remember our wedding day fuck i look great compared to then like everyone else is like i went to the gym for ages i ate well i just really look good and then after that life just

like tubs you out i think it's really really funny on wedding pictures when the bride has quite clearly just not had a carb for eight weeks and she just looks a bit ill yeah she looks like bob geldof she'll be stood next to me i'm not obviously i'm alive yeah she just needs some soup something inside so strong oh my god you need that plane as the face i didn't i didn't eat on my wedding am i like i'm pretty chilled out about a lot of things but i did not have any breakfast i was just running on adrenaline you're excited you're a bit like oh fuck it's got to go well and then started boozing and then the excitement and the booze was getting me through picked up a bit of the food for the wedding buffet by the time the wedding

finished it was like we got back to our hotel at 1 30 and you're like oh first night of marriage what did you do did you make love was it really passionate we got the biggest load of takeaway ever laura in her wedding dress me fucking suited and booted we got two pizzas we got two kebabs and it was just like a weird come down from excitement yeah and she'd done that she'd not eaten properly for ages i'd not eaten properly that day and i didn't know i just that's so life isn't it like you expected to be this like i love I love you so much, babe, let's, like, make love. I was just a bit pissed eating a kebab, watching a woman in a fucking thousand pound dress

eat a kebab. It was just a really weird release. Getting tahini sauce all over the veil. Yeah, that's it. I love you, yeah. You look worse than me. It's mad how expensive wedding dresses are, isn't it? Considering they only wear them once.

It's a bit of a, yeah. The whole wedding industry is a bit of a fucking... Oh, it's a con, isn't it? Considering they only wear them once. It's a bit of a... The whole wedding industry is a bit of a fucking... It's a con, isn't it? But you know yourself as a comic, someone says, yeah, I've got a gig. Oh, yeah, what's the date? 25th of June. All right, yeah, what's the occasion?

Is it a gig or whatever? It's a wedding. Oh, yeah, nine grand. Is that what you normally go out for? No, but I just don't want to do this gig. Have you ever done a wedding? I've done a wedding. I did a wedding in...

Where was it it was that place near Blackburn Clitheroe and it was for a woman I used to work with she's lovely

and she said can you just pretend you're a guest sort of chat mingle with the guests get to know some

anecdotes and stories and then jump up unexpected with this radio mic I'll give you and then just sort of like almost like ninja comedy stand up and just start doing it before the speeches and i said yeah

i said yeah i can do that and i thought i'm not gonna do that i'm just gonna turn up and do my normal stuff and i'm gonna do five minutes less than you've asked me to do and then i'm gonna get off and you're gonna think it's all right and it was and i got paid and the check got cleared and it but horrible and when i got there i was i don't know what i charged yeah i didn't even charge that much you know it was like 500 quid it's about seven eight years ago 500 quid that gave me palpitations i know i know and i was driving there and i was doing a gig anyway i was driving there i was thinking oh my god and i tried to put a suit on because i had to pretend to be a you know part of the wedding party and i got there and it was on this big farm to pretend to be a, you know, part of the wedding party and I got there

and it was on this big farm and they'd hired one of the original Ferraris for the lads to just rag around the field and I was like, I should have charged more than 500 quid. And then they had to- They've got an original Ferrari to rag around the field.

I'll just have 500. Yeah, just 500. Is that all right? They're like, yeah, just throw it at the pocket. You spent more hiring a car than they did on you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just 500. Is that all right? They're like, yeah, just throw it at the pocket. You spent more hiring a car than they did on you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Easily. The car's getting paid more than the entertainment. Honestly. Also, what were the fucking, that's such a weird thing to ask as a comedian. Like, it's hard enough

playing a wedding, but you really need to be like, we've got a comedian and he's going to come and do his comedy. Because to, like, the old, like, members of the family,

some uppity guest has just gone to Michael and gone, fuck this, it's my day as well. Hiya, guys, how are you? Like, granddad's like, who's this bastard? Yeah, it was horrible. And just before me, a gospel choir had done the same thing. They jumped up. Dave gone around all day writing songs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave, Uncle Dave. I love it, I love it. How did they pass up? I tell you, the grandad's there going, I didn't know Rachel and Phil knew a whole table of black people. Where are they from? And then all of a sudden,

Oh, happy day, oh, happy day. And then Sam Avery. Whoopie Goldberg's there. And then Sam Avery on the table with a gospel choir yeah right yeah

I spent I spent most of the time just sitting in the toilet with the lid down just sitting there just waiting for the time to pass because I thought I'm not talking to people

I'm not I'm not going to go round and get to know people and then get up and weave some comedy magic in front of people I just hid

like I was doing a like I was doing a day to day entry job and I just wanted to get in get out and then get up and weave some comedy magic in front of people. I just hid like I was doing a, like I was doing a day-to-day job and I just wanted to get in, get out. And once I saw that Ferrari, I thought, fuck this.

We got asked the other week, have you ever had any moments that have made you question whether you wanted to do stand-up? And Adam was like, because he's been doing it 10 years and he's not had many of those moments.

I've had a few and I've never got anywhere near it. But there's those moments where you are sat in a toilet because you're hiding from the venue because you don't really want to be there

but you've got to stay and you've got to do the gig because you need money to pay for your stupid life not having a real job and in those moments sat in a toilet

like what am I doing should I be a teacher like it is a weird feeling exactly I've got an even worse story than that and it also involves a toilet and it was doing weird feeling exactly I've got an even worse story than that and it also involves a toilet

and it was doing a gig just before Christmas and it was for was it Castleford rugby team maybe it was through some promoter it was about 7 years ago

and it was in the afternoon and it was on that Friday that last Friday before Christmas all the red flags on an afternoon yeah there's not enough

red flags in that club rugby club and so I turned up I took a suit with me I never wear a suit I hate wearing a suit but I thought I've got to wear a suit

because I've got to assert my dominance you know what I mean it was one of them gigs and I went into this big marquee that's hired and it was some plumbing company and they'd booked

every single like division of the plumbing company from around the country had all been bussed in to Castleford which is obviously the epicentre of quality entertainment as we all know um it's the vegas of the yorkshire plumbers so they all turned up the guy showed me into the room and he said uh there's a mic here but they won't fucking hear you because it's not set up right but

you'll be all right well yeah and i was like what i should have done is just go no and they just left i thought but I needed the money at the time. I was desperate for the money. So I started talking, no one was listening and instead of just dying with dignity,

like a champ, I decided to try and make the gig work for me because I'd seen other comics do it where they kind of jump on tables and move chairs and I thought,

what a victory this would be. What a victory. Listen, I'm an Everton fan, but this is three nil down against AC Milan. But instead of getting three all and winning on Listen, I'm an Everton fan, but this is 3-0 down against AC Milan. But instead of getting 3-0 and winning on penalties,

I lost 8-0. It was fucking horrendous. Because I jumped on a table and... You sent the keeper up for the corner and got caught. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got caught on the breakaway and the ref gave four goals for each goal they scored. It was horrendous. Jumped on a table similar to this. Probably not as sturdy, so I was wobbling a little bit you know mentally spiritually and literally and but the worst thing about it was i'd get them for five seconds and then they'd lose interest

because the bar was open and it was free and i did 45 minutes in different parts of the room and died the worst death when it got changed jumped back in the car driving back and i stopped at one of the services on the M62, I can't remember which one, and I had a coffee, because I had a gig that night, and I'm having a coffee, and I was there for about an hour,

and then I thought, right, I'll just go for a wee, and then I'll get back in the car, and go to my other gig, the proper gig, I'm in the toilet, and I'm just washing my hands,

and some woman is in the toilet, in an afternoon, in the men's toilet, in the services, and she just looks at me, and she just goes, shit comedian, and they were the Liverpool brands, and services she just looks at me and she just goes shit comedian and they were the liverpool branch that were all on the way home and then they came out the

cubicles fucking surrounded me in the bogs of the services and they're all going mate you were shit and i was just going what is going on i'm getting heckled about 40 miles away from the gig three hours after the show it's comedian to ever get heckled at a welcome break oh when you're off the when you're not there out of the venue you're like don't you can't

call me shit no when you're in the room you're like yeah I was shit you can't call me shit when you're on the m62 you think

I must be free of it I've yet yet to have a wiener services without feeling a bit anxious like I've got PTSD the same people are gonna be there

again comedian just from a closed cubicle you were shitting Castleford but I had no

argument because I was is that the worst gig you've ever had yeah but I'd say so not the gig was bad but

they sort of hecklers following me down the motorway I mean that's pretty bad but then I did another wedding

once where the bride and groom did i've only ever done two weddings and the bride and groom and i was dying and there's kids running around i was just horrendous and the bride and groom was sat on the front no one else wanted this except them and i could see they were holding each other's hands and with every minute that i was on stage they were gripping each other's hands tighter and tighter and just yeah they looked like i'd ruined their day. Whenever I get asked, by a bride and groom, because it'll happen at tour shows,

or maybe after a show at Hot Water, or the store or something, they'll come up and go, it's the second, third time we've seen you, we're getting married next year, we'd love you to do it, and I always go,

I know you would, but your nan, won't. Yeah. Okay, so my fee, and I've said this before on here, is £10,000, because I am happy happy to ruin the best day of your life yeah ten grand exactly but any less than that

not doing it but we've had a new add-on this is that's adam's wedding price and that's been fixed for a while but we'll do a have a word live show for five yeah yeah's all right. I'd be up for that. I'd do it for 200 quid just for the story. Oh my God. Put it out on Patreon. And this is where Uncle Brian tried to stab Adam.

Shall we call it and have a little intervales? Have intervales and then we have questions from the pupils. Questions from pupils. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train yet? Whether you are or you aren't, you should head to SupremeCBD.uk,

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But you're going to get money off your CBD. And what's better than money off? Nothing. Go get it. SupremeCBD.UK Well, you come back for the podcast. It's just a really, really bad Shrewsbury accent. I think that was a pretty good Shrewsbury accent. I'm really bad at Shrewsbury.

So it comes out, whatever that came out as. I wasn't intending it, so. Have you visited me, Abby? I love Shropshire. Shropshire is where I'm from. I also have a wife from Oswest G Now When you were coming on today Sam

I posted on our Patreon page And as I do Sort of every now and then When we've got a guest coming in And I ask our listeners Have you got any questions Specific to this guest So for example

We had Jamie Webster on. I was like, do you want to know anything about the music industry? He was working at Liverpool Football Club. We had Paddy Pimblitt on. I was like, do you want any MMA questions that he might not have asked before? And obviously with you coming on, a few years ago, you started blogging about parenting

because you found out your wife was pregnant. I remember you telling me about that on the drive back from the Edinburgh Festival as well. And you just started a blog about it and it went really really big completely viral thousands and thousands of people watching it and reading it and it got you a book deal so i was like let's get some parenting questions yeah and then you sat down before and i was like i've got some parenting questions and you looked at me like i'd said i've got some pictures of you of your dead relatives before we start recording i've given them up for adoption so yeah so you you sort of caused carved out a niche as a comedian for yourself

yeah i i i sense from what you've said before that you're a little bit tired of it yeah i just think it's it's it's been great for me you know what i mean and when i started doing it i suppose i hit the nail on the head i started blogging i started writing stuff so i wasn't making videos for online i was just writing articles and blogs basically and really got into that and enjoyed that and um it did really well online and stuff went viral and you get all these followers and then you're able to tour and it's that exciting so the reason i had kids yeah exactly i just thought fuck it's work for avery if it's work for him it could work for anyone but then you didn't have twins you see so that was the extra

niche but then so then i did one tour called the Leina Parents and that was great fun amazing to do a tour I mean that's all I've ever wanted to do and then I actually remember you saying that as well

yeah because my first Edinburgh which was when I did Big Value Sam gave me a lift home and on the way back obviously you've got like three four hours

to just talk shit and probably the longest time we'd ever spent together we'd worked together loads and we were mates and that you helped me out a lot when I started because you used to run the essentially the Liverpool version and probably the longest time we'd ever spent together. We'd worked together loads and we were mates and that. You helped me out a lot when I started because you used to run the,

essentially the Liverpool version of Beat the Frog, which was Raw, High Raw. And you also did the kids' comedy one. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell. That was a tough gig. Teenagers doing their own stand-up and then you closed. That was an interesting one.

Dan, don't worry. It's 50 quid on a thursday afternoon okay that's how lewis calvert started you know yeah he did that course yeah um but i remember on the way back and because you talk for like like comedians do for hours i remember asking you sort of what your ambitions were because i remember that drive so well because you said your ambition was to just do a tour like a successful tour where you're turning up to whatever size venues you've booked in and you're either sold out or as close to it as possible and you also told me you were about to start blogging and i was like just do it because

something will happen you're better than the guy who's not blogging and then you started the blog and that got you yeah it was mad it was mad and it was like a bit of a whirlwind really but i was so committed to like making sure everything this particular blog came out every tuesday and people used to go absolutely bananas over it and it was so exciting and people would message me if the blog was 20 minutes late are you okay are the kids all right like yeah just i haven't finished editing it or i haven't thought the right way to make that joke really you know zing or whatever um so then i did that first tour did the book did the second tour called toddler

geddon which was like the next one i haven't even finished that tour yet because the pandemic and i finished that this year my kids are six it makes no sense it makes no sense and i'm so checked out of that show i've forgotten the show i've got a relearning to do with five fucking if you've got tickets i'm sorry i will put in a performance my life with five-year-olds they're fucking 23 yeah exactly genuine question on that have you thought about just fucking it off and just adding those dates to your next tour and carrying the tickets over i think there's so many people who've bought tickets who've messaged me to say i can't wait to see this because you know we well they did say we are going through the same thing but again their kids will be older as

well so i think yeah i i had a conversation with my agent the other day because we're looking to book my tour in for next year like february to april new tour and he was like oh and the glee of being in touch because you had a date with them uh in nottingham that there's still valid tickets for and there's a one in brighton a comedian that's still valid tickets for that could cancel uh because of the pandemic from your last tour show so we'll put them in for this year you just do that tour show and I went just put those tickets onto the next tour

because I never want to say those words ever again certainly not in that order exactly have to do a rusty version of a tour that was singing a year and a half ago

it's just not and also that like most of the material from that is on the special I put out so the people who've bought the tickets if they've bought tickets to see your live they're probably going to on the special I put out. So the people who've bought the tickets,

if they've bought tickets to see it live, they're probably going to watch the special you put out. They've seen it. I don't want to take money off people. Just give them a ticket to me next door. Yeah, because also I've recorded this tour, but I've not been able to put it out yet because people might still see it. You've called it Toddlergeddon,

and it's about a phase of the kids' lives. You can't really miss it, can you? Yeah, I suppose for those people, they're like, hang on, we've missed a chunk of the story. It's the theme of the kids lives you can't really miss it can you yeah yeah i suppose for those people they're like hang on we've missed a chunk of the story of the show so yeah but i suppose looking forward for next year i think i've just got to that point when i'm like i've talked about parents i think we've done that i think that's a bit i think i've i've delved as deep into all aspects of that as i could possibly do and also because my kids are six it's like i don't really want to be talking in depth about their

personal traits which form quite a lot of the first couple of shows because you're like the kids now they're going to school you don't want to go

hey my kids are not bad you know what I mean because that's really you know not great you've drained the parenting thing dry

absolutely no more about parenting so I have got one parenting question that's cool you're done you're done with parenting but these people aren't yeah i like this one so we'll do this one and then we'll move on to some absolutely non-topical stuff i'm quite interested to see how you both take this because you're both parents and i famously i'm not but some of his takes on parenting are vintage adam rowe i told dan that he should use a cage to train his daughter to stop being so loud you of his takes on parenting are vintage Adam Rowe. I told Dan that he should use a cage to train his daughter

to stop being so loud. You don't need any more. You don't need to hear any more. That's the vibe. And it's not how big the cage would be. You don't get it too big because then they get anxious because there's too much space. You need to keep them tight. Small yaki type dog cage for a four year old.

So this is some mouse. One of the top lads. Been riding him for a long time. Not sure how old his bin lids are, meaning your kids, but this is for you as well, Dan. Or even why I've gone all fucking cockney. Slags. That's literally what he's written.

But my 10-year-old daughter has been a right little argument of gobby, downright disrespectful cow to her mum recently. I'm pretty chilled out, and obviously I'm having to get involved with their arguments to, one, give some discipline to the daughter, two, try and calm the wife down, and three, shut the fucking both of them up from screaming and shouting at each other

to give my bastard ears a rest. I've tried taking all her electronics away and grounding her, etc. But I feel like I'm going to volley the little shit through the fucking window or hand it over to the McCanns to take on holiday. Any suggestions on what I can do to help this situation?

Cheers, lids, mouse. Over to you, gentlemen. That scares me about the future. It's terrifying, isn future terrifying because i'm so far away from that me too my daughter is so cute and if you go don't do that she's like oh sorry daddy like a 10 year old going no fuck you as well mom that i want that to be 30 years away yeah but i know it's not because if she's if she's got half the eloquence that he has, he's in trouble because that's a really nicely worded email and there's some real nice

bangers in there and threats and language Some of our listeners failed their SATs, but Mouse he can write Especially when they're doing have a words, because they get really impassioned because it's like, can you have a word with this person in my life

that's really pissing me off and i'm fucking really pissed off and then this happened we got one from leeds the other day which was just you felt the passion in it but there wasn't a comma or full stop inside fucking fucking fucking fucking jesus fucking christ brilliant but that's leads but anyway um i think with the taking of the electronic devices away again that's something I'm not at yet but I've done it with the telly when I've gone right the telly's going off you've done something wrong the telly's going off

who am I really punishing there? me innit? now I've got to play with them now I've got to be creative in the garden and build something which I like doing but not all the time you just want to watch the chase don't you? what time of year is it that you are

turning the telly off oh because if it's the middle of December middle of January and it's dark outside at like four o'clock and you're like

right no screen time yeah that is a long fucking day where you have to entertain them in the summer

you could be like screen time go and play in the garden but in the winter it's brutal but why don't you just like lock them in a room and then you carry on watching why don't you just put them in the kitchen where But in the winter, it's brutal. But why don't you just like lock them in a room

and then you carry on watching? Why don't you just put them in the kitchen where there's no telly? There's knives in the kitchen, isn't there? Scissors and a microwave and all that sort of stuff. They could build a bomb,

couldn't they? That's good. You know. Bathroom? Bathroom's all right. The window opens a bit too wide. You see, when you become a parent,

you start to like, you become risk assessments, like savvy. Bleach. Bleach. They could get stuck in the U-bend if they're trying to escape that become risk assessments like savvy bleach bleach that's anything could get stuck in the u-bend if you're trying to escape that way i like your mind goes into overdrive where's the most dangerous kids in a garage is one of the most scary things you'll

ever see like oh what a great band but if if they if they went they went to where mum's once a couple years ago and i got all the knives and all the scissors out and i just put them right near the edge of the kitchen top and i was like that feels good to just put them there because it was like the knives were having a little holiday of just looking over the edge because they're so far out of everyone's reach normally but it's like we have a policy in our house with screen time screen time starts again when you swap screens so like telly goes off you've had two hours have the ipad for a bit and then have you had my phone or you had your mum's phone I'll have my phone for a bit

difference I mean we've got eight phones which is great we're like one of those boff farms we've just got them all stuck up all along the wall right

no more Playstation get the Xbox on lad I love it how Playstation 3 goes off Playstation 4's on I love it how the ten year old and the mum are Benny and they're like

he's like I don't know what's going on here but it's not me she's pissed off at it's her mum like it feels like what are going on here, but it's not me she's pissed off at. It's her mum. Like, it feels like, what are you even meant to do with that as a dad? Like, mum's kicking off with 10-year-old,

10-year-old's kicking off with mum. How do you become the, like, Switzerland of that situation? Surely on a case-by-case basis, because sometimes I reckon, you know, the missus is going to be bang out of order. She's taking her day out on her daughter. You know what I mean? And sometimes the 10-year-old

just being a little cunt because she's 10 and sometimes 10-year-olds are cunts. But you've got to pick your words so carefully because you could say something in the wrong tone of voice to your missus or your 10-year-old daughter. And then you've got both of them.

And it's like Kofi Annan has gone into a UN meeting and just got his knob out. And gone, fucking there's your solution to your problems it's like he was well known for that that's why he's that's why he retired uh yeah allegedly so i i don't know what i i think i'd probably just what you're supposed to do is just talk and listen and try and get people but i spend half my time telling my kids to stop shouting

and as i'm saying stop shouting i'm shouting my head off which is just exactly yeah but dad we do that all the time all the time yeah I think he just needs to get like maybe he just needs to keep his wife and his daughter in separate rooms at all times or separate cages maybe open a club it's hard for you to get beyond like imprison, imprisonment of some sort, isn't it? Like, room locked, cage locked, separate cages. Is the garden prison? If you make it into a kennel, sort of. Oh, just didn't eat Adam.

We've made your kennels up in your garden. Didn't know you had eight dogs. I don't. But I've got a wife and loads of kids. My advice there, lad, is take it case by case, and if your daughter's the one being a fucking arsehole, you know, so it's your job to

make sure she stops that, innit? You made her an arsehole. It's your fault. Yeah, it's your DNA. You can't possibly be an arsehole if you've raised her to be an arsehole. But what you can do as well you can he's not wrong is he

but sometimes arseholes just because that's the thing your kids are like part of you but they're also part of the environment and the rules that you try and place on them

yeah implement yeah I'm a terrible parent they're talking bollocks and arse but if you you could do all of those things

and you could still become a mass murderer I think from the tone of that email I think that's a household where everyone gives as good as they get do you know what I mean

you just read the tone of the email it wasn't like dear sirs please answer a concerning issue we're having in our lovely home

my wife and I are both yoga instructors and we're having a our lovely home my wife and i are both yoga instructors and we're having a very difficult time with our youngest who's a cunt you know it's not i think that's a family where they're like you fucking make your own conflicts you cunt i think it's uh you know what you can do in that situation i don't know if it'll work we could say to them what would you do if i was you? Like, how would you resolve this situation? And then put it on them and then they offer a solution

and then you just scream at them for that because you disagree with that as well. That'd be great, that, doing that with a 10-year-old. So how do you think I should approach the situation? Well, Daddy, I want to stick stickle bricks up my bumhole. Well, you back on. Let's all have an ice cream

and sit down. Major problem with 10-year-olds, that. Really, 10? Major problem with 10 year olds that major problem with 10 year olds the amount of 10 year olds that are turning up at school

with stickle bricks up their bum I cannot wait for Adam to be a parent when he's like listen Sam love we've got to be ready

she's 9 now she's nearly in the stickle bricks up the arse so what the fuck are you on about I have no idea but get a bigger cage

because we need to throw stickle bricks in the cage I don't know hide the Meccano What the fuck are you on about? I have no idea. But get a bigger cage. Because we need to throw stickle bricks in the cage. I don't know. Hide the Meccano. My face is warm. Mental. Mental. Shall we go to the other side of life?

This lad's got in touch. And he said, he's asking for advice as well. But he's a young single man. He says, I just recently got out of a two-year relationship and I'm not sure what to do. I'm currently at college in Leeds doing an electrician course and want to get some advice as if to stay single for the next couple of years or try and look for the one. Obviously, I'm feeling shit since the breakup,

but I'm slowly getting over it and need your advice, Lids. Love the pod. Keep it up. So I have a two-year relationship, and he wants to know if he should just stay single or if you should look for love, look for the one. What would you do? He's a young man, Sam.

He's a young man. You've got to stay single, man. Stay single as long as you can. And the one will arrive arrive because if you go looking for the one you know when people start going out with someone and i hear all the time people say oh when i met my boyfriend he said he wasn't looking for a relationship it's like well that's what you want you don't want when i met my boyfriend he was desperate he was dying to go out with someone because he just split up with someone who belittled his confidence and then i walked

into his life you don't want that yeah you don't want you don't want i was the sixth day of that week yeah he was honestly sometimes doubling up on the dates he was so mad to commit honestly he has to see my credit rating that first night we met he asked if i wanted kids before the fucking main course turned up yeah you want it to chill out a bit definitely and also you want you want you want to be with someone who uh appreciates you and also gives you shit when you're being a dickhead as well but that's a different issue but like you know when you meet someone you think oh i think we're gonna be together for it this is it now you know this is great it's only then you realize oh no all the stuff was fucking hard work wasn't it and thank you horrendous yeah yeah i'll be i went out with a girl years ago and uh she basically

it's so funny when we're accidentally talking about adam do you know when you meet a girl and adam's like yeah yeah yeah ptsd and he's in the chat did you say accidentally i was totally getting this i went on the girl years ago and i thought oh this is it this is definitely it but right early on in the warning signs today she was just trying to change me she was like oh i don't normally go out with guys like you what do you mean and then she was like why don't you get your haircut differently i was probably going bald i should have just shaved it off she was like why don't you dress differently why don't you listen to different music and i was like, why don't you dress differently? Why don't you listen to different music? And I was like, yeah, there it is, the red flag.

But it was foggied by her eyes. She was fit. She had nice boobs. Oh, dear. That sounds worrying. I know that you are a man of honour. That sounds worrying. Is that Hamilton?

It is! Oh, man. It's going to change my life. Yes! Oh, no. That's the ball. That's the ball. good, isn't it? Changed me life. Yes. Oh no. That's the ball. Changed me life. That's the ball.

Right, let's have a first round. You know that car journey we had when I said I just want to write a tour and now I want to write a fucking musical. Yeah. I want to write a musical about the American Civil War. Yeah.

About Hamilton, basically. Oh, I'm out of five minutes. Okay, now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay now. Yeah. Yeah. I've been there. I've been working out, listening to the soundtrack

in the kitchen. If I've got a long drive, I put it on. Two and a half hours. Brilliant. It's like a podcast. It's like a musical podcast. And there's no weak bits.

Do you know anything about the original presidents of the United States? Have you learned stuff about this? Oh, really? That must be an excitement. No, he was fucking working. You got United States. Have you learned stuff about this? I have. Oh, really? Yeah. That must be an excitement. No, he was fucking working.

You got him on. Go back to work. Yeah, Sam loves it as well. Love it. Great. Back to work. You bunch of fannies. I can show you the world.

So sorry to bother you at home. Mate, if you've been in a two-year relationship and you're a young man Don't worry about Finding the one straight away You better cut him off soon Just watch Hamilton and just keep Touching yourself to

American Musical theatre Does Sam like Hamilton? Yeah She has to she has to did she like Hamilton she has to

she's not like obsessed with it like I am but she hasn't seen it live which I have three times have you seen it

live three times oh wow I'll text you later we'll talk about it yeah yeah do that

seen it twice in London and once on Broadway oh god so jealous oh god I never thought I'd be like this and clearly Dan didn't or else he wouldn't have had me on I've seen it twice in London and once on Broadway. Oh, God. I'm so jealous. Oh, God. I never thought I'd be like this.

And clearly Dan didn't, or else he wouldn't have had me on. I might have enjoyed it. But I am not watching this shit on purpose now. Because he's made it, so I hate this thing. And I actually like history. But it's making me hate revolutionary america it's really good though isn't it it's very good it's very very long i would highly recommend it oh find a wife find a wife straight away and watch hamilton with her

date a girl get engaged after three months secretly and not tell anyone, and then watch Hamilton all the time. It doesn't matter what you do because if you get in a relationship, if it's not the one, it doesn't matter because it'll end anyway. And if you try and stay single, if the one comes along,

you'll end up together forever anyway. That's just how it happens. You can't control it. Do whatever you want. Shag whatever to let you shag it. And then, you know, eventually one will go, do you want to shag me forever? And that'll be it.

Taylor's all this time. That is actually the opening scene from Hamilton. You know when I realise? Why have you said that? No, because John Adams is getting a blowjob. Yeah, John Adams is getting a blowjob off George Washington. That's right, isn't it? And like,

I hate Hamilton. He's just singing it. That was the best. Oh, no. That's the actual start. Do you know when I realised my wife was the one for me was when we'd been going out

for a few months and we went to watch, we were both trying to pretend we were a little bit more cultured than perhaps we are. And we said, let's go to Stratford for the weekend and go and watch some Shakespeare. At the RSC, darling.

At the RSC. So we got tickets for King Lear. At the Swan. Three and a half hours long. The interval was an hour and 45 in, and we both pretended we were still enjoying it. And it was only at the end when we were just beyond, like being battered into submission by this performance.

Like not in a good way. Just like came out and she just went, I think the lights came up and she put her hand on me and just said, that was fucking shit. And I was like, if I had the ring in my pocket now, I would be on one knee

because you are the woman of my dreams because it was bollocks. I know Shakespeare is this blah, blah, blah, but it was fucking crap. There is something beautiful about being with a girl who's stunning and you'll get'll get on well and everyone's like she's so beautiful she's so loving sometimes she's like i fancy kfc you're like yes that's smell that can i ask you a question when do you think you should ask a girl oh dear on a second date right

what you've got to have a first date first yeah don't ask for the second date before you've asked for the first date yeah

that seems a bit needy I think that is that might be I've got two dates with me yeah I think this guy is the kind of guy that's asking to sign

some form of tenancy before the first date he's like too much sure just try and find the one but yeah I think that's a really good techers style yeah

and also I think you've got to wait at least till the next if it's gone really well wait till the day after the first date because I used to never like a girl

who would text me as I was as I was walking away from her at the end of the first date little kiss oh yeah we'll do it again because you say that to everyone walking away

text really enjoyed that was like fucking hell you stood there and now you're texting me you're that to everyone walking away text really enjoyed that was like fucking hell you stood there and now you're texting me you're going to be scratching at my front door aren't you it is intense

I asked Sam on a second date on the first date on the first date I came back from the toilet and so we were sat opposite each other she's on like the bench thing and I'm on a chair

across the table and I sat next to her on the bench and asked her on her second days and then necked her head off i want to take the piss but i did exactly the same thing with laura i was like i really i've had no chill i was like i think you are fucking great and i think we should do this again she was like yeah and that's great i didn't think it was that weird though and then sam was like no i liked it but i do think like most people would wait.

But can I say, everything that you do with your partner that you end up with, if you did that with anyone else, is massively creepy. Like sending flowers to the work after the first date because it was magical and you know you're going to be together forever.

That's great. But if they didn't like you, you're just a fucking moron. Yeah. It's easy to look back at a successful relationship. But the relationship that you're still in any of the story of how you got to that point is like yeah but it worked didn't it like of course when you end up when it doesn't work it's overkill so when people go oh that's way

too soon well it's not is it because you and stan were still together and it wasn't too soon for laura but i think there is an element of like once you get to a certain age and you're not fucking about playing games, if you really like someone, there's nothing wrong with going, I think you're great and I would really like to do this again. Why be like, no? Because what you're saying is by not doing it,

you're like, if I say it, I'm going to put her off and I want to just keep her at arm's length so she's still keen, so I don't want to overkill it. Like, if you really like someone, fuck it. Tell them.

In your 30s, I just got to the point where I was like, I've got no chill anymore. Gamble. The second time I seen Sam was on a night out where we sort of bumped into each other, and I was hammered and said, this is a quote, I'm not going to see anyone else. And I don't remember this, but she told me,

the second time I seen her, I'm not going to see anyone else. And I don't remember this, but she told me the second time I've seen her, I'm not going to see anyone else. You can, but I will be Gus's friend. I remember you telling... The best thing about this relationship is I've watched Carl react to it. Yeah. Because I'm like, yeah, you do what you want. But watching Carl's face like,

fuck, I'm a lot. Calm down! Three months later, you already shouldn't watching Carl's face like fucking hell calm down three months later you should already shouldn't have asked her for a fucking second date you date a girl in January you fuck her off till June

text her once and then ignore her till Christmas yeah sounds about right that's what you did innit yeah that's not what I did

but yeah oh mate the guys I know everyone sort of would like to meet someone, whatever, but going out to try and find a relationship at a young age, you're like, you are just going to end up in some crap,

like fake, trying to be a relationship. Just got to let things roll a bit more naturally, don't you? Do you know when you said then going out to try and find, I paused then because you said to find a relationship but in my head i was like trying to find a girl and i seen the person i seen his hair cut it's gelled it's spiked up he's got a pinstripe top on he's got bootcut jeans and he's got his dad's shoes on brown shoes on brown shoes on yeah brown shoes with like really dark blue bluey grey jeans. Pinstripe top.

It's short sleeve as well. Yeah. Short nerd jersey. And he dances with his shoulders. And you can smell his aftershave before you see him. Yeah, it's dupe. Yeah, it's coming down the corner. Yeah.

Dupe on. And now when you lean in for a kiss, people have got fucking iPhones all around you so you could be the cunt on one of those viral videos where someone's accidentally filming you and then they can see you leaning for a kiss and a girl go i've seen those videos you're like oh cringe i've probably been that guy yeah the fact that there's now videos to record guys going oh i'm going in for it and she goes no you're fucking not have you ever been on a date though where

you've got there and you've literally like within 60 seconds gone, no, this is not working, but you've got to kind of do the time. You can't get off, you can get off early, but you can't get off straight away, can you? Just got to do the time. You've got to do the time. You can't be like, okay, no point to this. That's the worst move ever.

And I've done it where, and then I've had like five or six pints in and I'm going, oh, she's all right actually. And then you're thinking, I'm listening to drunk Sam now. Drunk Sam is not going to decide my future. Drunk Sam is a moron and makes all terrible decisions. I'm trying to think of having her be on a date like that.

So at the start of the day, I was not keen. But I feel amazing. By the third Jager bomb, I thought she was all right. I'm over here. You're talking to someone else. Never let drunk Sam arrange the second date

no now I'm here I feel I should put two three and four in yeah get me diary out yeah got a gig in there

Castleford first but it's an afternoon yeah fucking hell I've done that loads I've had I had a girl once who basically turned up

and told me that she lies about everything like that was the first that opening gambit was that she lied I lie but I just need you to know I lies about everything. Like, that was the first. Their opening gambit was that she lied. I lied, but I just needed you to know I lie about everything. Everything I say is a lie.

Me and my last boyfriend lied. And I was like, yeah, exactly. I said, do you want a drink? She was like, yeah. And I was like, do you? I don't know. I was, like, confused. Is that real?

Yeah. Was that a lie? What I just said was a lie or what she said was a lie. What she said was a lie. I was like, i don't know how do we know you're not lying that's like a girl turning up and going just want to tell you it's opposites day yeah exactly i don't want a gin and tonic and i do want sex enjoy that conundrum yeah hopefully that'll stand up in course she said she was lying so when she's now anyway um i lie about everything so just sat across from you straight face not like having a laugh just

yeah i lie about absolutely everything and uh yeah put it this way if you were writing a sitcom and you came up with that idea you'd be there because it's shit yeah but that was real life it's like what are you doing like why are we doing this one of those non-believable ones where you're like no one's gonna buy that that happens it was just it was it was it was poor oh again a couple of drinks was like fuck it i'm gonna start lying and i just started being i'm a stump man we could lie together yeah i don't want sex either drunk sam we can all lie yeah let me tell you about living as a black man in Mozambique

where I definitely live and then I moved to Mughal shall we do a shall we do a have a have a word because it's traditional so we've got one in from Emma oh right yeah word because it's traditional.

So we've got one in from Emma who says hey Aaron and Dave I've been thinking about sending this in as I have a word for a while and now it is getting too much. I need you to

intervene for me. Hubby will hear this before me if it gets played so please have a word. Well that means he's a patron and she isn't. I love and she isn't i love a good bath i love a good bath i probably have a good pamper in the bath at least three nights a week and hubby actual name is dave loves it too because when i'm in there

he can play cod in peace however every time i say i'm going to go for a bath he suddenly decides he needs a poo this only ever seems to be exactly when i say i'm going to go for a bath, he suddenly decides he needs a poo. This only ever seems to be exactly when I say I'm about to head up to the bath. This means the bathroom fucking stinks when I'm planning to have a nice relaxing soak. He then goes on the PlayStation and I'm left hanging around upstairs until the smell has dissipated. And not only that, but he also doesn't spray any air freshener and pulls the door closed behind him. Now, if we're mates in a house, I get closed in the door because you'd not want the upstairs to stink or anything. But when I'm going in there after him, it's like being hit with a wall of bad smell. At least do me the courtesy of spraying some air freshener, which I leave next to the toilet, by the way,

and opening the door and window so the smell can get out a bit quicker. Keen to hear your thoughts on this one, lids. Hope you can have a word for me cheers that's from emma okay there's two things here okay two things first of all when you've got to go you've got to go and as long as he's not shitting in the bath you should be grateful be grateful never never ask an ibs sufferer for any sort of attack on a poor and also she is so naive because he is absolutely doing this on purpose to get more time to get more time on cod yeah that's what he's doing he's going right she's in the bath so i will get bath plus whatever time she has to stand around waiting for shit smell to go if i knew it was like bath night if she's doing a three nights a week if i knew it was bath night

like she didn't have one last night i I'd be eating horrendous shit all day. Cheese, I'd be eating... Guinness. Guinness, so much dairy, spicy stuff. Fig rolls. And I would absolutely... Sam just telling us so much about his, like, bowels. Fig rolls, Adam.

Say fig rolls as well. I would destroy that bathroom and I would accidentally on purpose even forget to flush so you'd get the extra time before she even noticed that there's still shit

in the bog and then you've got the flush and then you've got the extra time I tell you what if I wouldn't be playing I'd be playing FIFA but I could go from zero

to qualify for the weekend league by the time she's out of the bath she'd get out like a prune like swamping that is the thing though i've done in the bath you have to do what you want enjoy a nice long six hour bath yeah yeah i get that but pooing before is weird isn't it i i don't think you could leave what you just described unflushed i get the theory but i actually i would class that as a crime against humanity like that

is to do what you described and then go i am then not going to flush but many geniuses have trouble being understood in their own time yeah i think you're gonna get divorced you are gonna get like someone's gonna go i do not need to flush that fucking abomination a court of law would find that to be domestic abuse if you didn't flush something like that especially if you throw in the fig rolls which I'm not sure you would because that would be too much what after?

in the toilet yeah yeah just throw them in in the packy as well trying to eat in the bath log yeah all that matter there you go

in the toilet yeah you're eating the bath not more relaxing than a nice soap while you're eating the fig roll do you want it? yeah it's pleasant more relaxing than a nice soap while you're eating a big roll. Do you ever have your tea in the bath?

Do you want it? Yeah. It's better. Do you ever have your tea in the bath? I don't get baths. Well, not your tea, but like a butty or something. You have a butty in the bath? Do you ever have a sandwich in the bath?

No, I take a can of Diet Coke sometimes. I find it a real... Yeah, a drink's normal. Oh, a lovely contrast of warm and cold. Yeah. It's really difficult to say something like that with Adam's face going,

the fuck are you on about, lad? No, I'm not. Do you have, like, a carbonara in the bath? No, not a carbonara. I've had a butty. I've had a pizza. A butty?

A butty? No. You've had a butty in the bath? Got in the bath. The pizza hadn't even been delivered. Come up, Imran. pizza a putty a putty no you've got a putty in the bath got in the bath the pizza hadn't even been delivered come up

Imran I've left the door open come up tips on the fucking putty spill

you having a cheesy bath no I don't I don't have like a fucking six inch subway with all the letters falling

out oh silly me I have like a am putty a pizza in the bath sounds good though actually pizza in the

bath pizza's the most acceptable but when you said tea in my head you had like a dinner plate that's the least

scar face thing I've ever heard Adam in a bath having a fucking slice of pepperoni like say hello to my little friend cocaine in the

the little friend is a dip isn't he I've had an am butty I've had a corn beef butty as well I've had a corned beef butty as well. I've had a pizza. Corned beef butty.

I think the weirdest thing I had was a roast dinner. A roast dinner in the bath is... Fucking press that button, please. Absolute fucking nonsense. No, I haven't had the roast dinner. No. Everyone knew.

There was a nation going, bing, bing, bing. Yeah. God, don't be... They'd have a cheese board, though. Yeah. Shut there. There was a nation going, bing, bing, bing. Yeah. God, don't be... They'd have a cheese board, though. Yeah. Sat there, bit of brie. I've never...

This relationship, Emma, I don't know, I know money's tight. You need a downstairs fucking toilet, duck. Yeah. A downstairs toilet, duck? I heard what I said as well. I went a bit East Midlands at the end,

unnecessarily it sounds like downstairs toilet yeah downstairs that's what my wife wants that's all she wants like that's her ambition in life

to have her own toilet oh I'd fucking love to not have to walk all the way upstairs but if she gets her own toilet I am won't legally be allowed to use it

and the kids won't be allowed and it'll just be a thing but then I said well what if I'm on the toilet the kids on the toilet and someone needs to go we're gonna have to use your bog so the dream is nonsense love.

So the dream is actually to have one more toilet than the amount of people that live in the house. That's what you would have to do. You need five toilets. You need five toilets. Who's got five toilets?

If you think about it, we're very touchy about what we do and don't share with each other. But if you had an individual toilet in your house that was like in your house you had dan's toilet laura's toilet like adam's toilet like that that sounds ridiculous and opulent but actually makes total sense like i've got people put their naked fucking arses

on the seat their sweaty cracks and then do the most unthinkable fig roll based shite and then 10 minutes later like yeah i need a poo as well so i'm gonna i'm gonna like it's horrible when you think about it individual toilets is the fucking future where would guests go in the one of the in one of the two guest toilets you'd have a guest you'd have two guest toilets yeah and a party with more than two guests yeah and a disabled it was a shit house party what? it was a shit house party

I've gotta go I've been I've gotta go oh the worst you'd have a shit at a house party if I need I know

would you rather me have a shit in the toilet at a house party or shit my pants at your house party shit your pants at my house party are there any options?

be a champ and go in the garden is that a hedgehog what do you wash after that yeah yeah get a bath get a bath

get a roast dinner up I missed the missed the deal I love how like Carl's from a different point actually when I was in Japan we only shat once every six days

and we and we did it in the hills of Nagasaki well done for not saying Tokyo Nagasaki's quite nice actually good for a shit sounds spicy

it's Tokyo and Hiroshima are my only two Japanese references yeah and the second one's bleak as fuck both of them got done

did Tokyo get done no he said Hiroshima and Nagasaki Nagasaki got done as well no he did Tokyo get done no he said Hiroshima and Nagasaki Nagasaki got done as well no he didn't say Nagasaki he said Tokyo oh did you

I thought you said Hiroshima strong bit of fucking OCD behaviour what did you say in Japan I don't know

what did you say Hiroshima got atom bombed didn't it yeah both of them nuked but I'm saying

if you can have a poo at a house party and then wipe it with paper and go and talk to people you're free and that in some way is worse than what they did to Hiroshima yeah in his eyes But I'm saying if you can have a poo at a house party and then wipe it with paper and go and talk to people, you're the freak.

And that in some way is worse than what they did to Hiroshima. Yeah. That in his eyes. Adam is his own personal house party Hiroshima. So is Hiroshima like inhabitable? No, it's literally a... Rebuilt. It's one of the biggest cities in Japan. What's the other one?

In like Ukraine or whatever? Chernobyl. That's fucked. That gaffe, innit? Yeah, because that was a leak. That was a what? That was a leak,. Chernobyl. That's fucked. That gaffe, innit? Yeah, because that was a leak. That was a what? That was a leak, wasn't it? That's fucked.

That gaffe. It is though. Hey, Putin. Go ahead. Go ahead. Sort that out. Sort the fucking Pluto out. Did you watch the show Chernobyl?

Oh, it looked so bleak. It was bleak as fuck. It was dead good. But what they decided to do was not get people to put Russian accents on. So just talk in their own voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got like Finchie from the offices in there going,

this is fucking bollocks. This thing's got a fucking bloke. So that's when he said, that's fucked up, Gaff. It didn't sound that much of a departure from Chernobyl. That guy has had a decent career from basically being

every racist bloke in a northern pub, isn't he? he's done really, I'm in fucking Chernobyl. That has been, that has been a pod, ladies and gents.

Sam, it's been a fucking pleasure talking to you, my friend. Thank you very much. Where can everyone find you on the old interwebs? Just type in Sam Avery

on Facebook or Instagram or TikTok I've been on TikTok the last like six months and yeah you doing alright on TikTok?

I'm doing alright it's a bit of a weird place some days I love it some days I just think this is fucking like a migraine in my pocket but it's good it's good

we've been putting our stuff on TikTok and it's great yeah some kids went past me the other day instead of just coming up to me and saying

are you Sam Avery they decided to stand behind me and play my own video back at me until i freaked out and then they went i thought it was you and i was like fuck this is weird that's why tiktok makes me a bit nervous that is really strange i had someone come up to me and sam in town the other day who's aware there's original like one of the OG listeners. And it's quite funny when people come up to you because they don't expect to bump into you in the streets. And with this, they're listening to us three, four, five hours a week. So they've got no plan, but they can't not say hello.

So you see them from like 50 yards away because they make a beeline for you. And he comes to me and he's like, Adam! Sam. Ha ha! And they've just got no idea how to have the conversation with someone they listen to for five hours a week.

And I don't know who they are, but because we spend so much time in their ears, they assume I'm going to go, oh, buddy! I like that. But I don't know who buddy is so yeah at least he didn't shout char nasty bitch which oh mate off the soundboard we had char nasty bitch

upset me and a guy called tom twisletonton he couldn't resist i think he did it two gigs just waited waited waited waited and went nasty bitch and you're like mate he waited so i was talking about my three-year-old child yeah and then shouted nasty bitch upset me and the rest of the crowd like what mate no one else knows the reference. No one knows Alright well find Sam and play his videos behind him. That'd be great he loves that. Please. Absolutely loves that

Yeah fine Sam. Not on the internet. Just find him in real life Find me in Calderstones Park Stand behind me It's been a pleasure I am putting my tour together It will go absolute priority To patreon.com

And then to my mailing list Which you can sign up to at adamrow.co.uk Filming the DVD in York That's booked in isn't it Filming the DVD In York Can I ask you just before you go Have you got a bogey town?

Bogey town? Do you know what? I've never had a great time in Oldham. I don't think anyone has. I don't think people who live in Oldham have. So I don't hold it against them. I just feel like there's a real affinity. I've been there maybe three times and I understand why they don't like it either.

Both York and Lancaster can rim my bumhole. So you're filming a DVD in one of those places? Both of them. It's going to be optional. Oh, right. It's going to be

the rim of the roses is going to be the name of the DVD. Oh, yeah. I've just realised my two hated gaffes are the Shires, aren't they? Lancaster and Shire.

Maybe you could bring them together. Lancaster Shire! Maybe you could bring them together. Lancaster Shire! And York. York Shire. The Shire of York and the Shire of Lancaster. What are you doing? They really are, yeah. Carl's.

This is gone. I had a fucking aneurysm. Off the rails. That's the end. All right. Bye, Felicia. Bye. See you soon

Thanks you you you