Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #118 with Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

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Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favorite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. Pod! Yeah. Oh, yeah. Feeling a little bit vulnerable. Feeling good, but feeling vulnerable. Is that how you describe yourself? oh yeah feeling a little bit vulnerable feeling good but feeling vulnerable is that how you describe yourself

describe yourself that wasn't a word we had a long day on the aisle when you say we you are not talking about me no it was me Paul Smith

Paul Blair his mate and Freddie Quinn hi his mate I did a big shout out to his mate made a big shout-out to his mate. Made a big impression. And that guy.

It was some of my closest friends and colleagues and another guy. Adam, my pass out. Really fun before your podcast. I had to go, if I laugh loads, I might black out. Really fun before your podcast. I don't know. If I laugh loads, I might black out. I'm like, woo! Challenge on, motherfucker. Drinking.

And he's coming in today because we had a late guest cancellation. Freddie Quinn's coming in today. He's today's guest, as you already know, if you're watching it, because it'll be in the little thumbnail, won't it? Or if you're listening, it'll have said his name in the episodes.

You know who the guest is, sort sort of before we do skip to the end i didn't really get like locked in with the logistics of a podcast i mean you know you can read unless you can't read and then there's other issues really you're probably having a difficult time of it as an adult that isn't you know able to read how have they got it on colours braille orange and orange and blue

yeah they've got the braille app after someone just sat at homestead in a can of iron brew braille's amazing shit this episode braille is amazing I think

braille just like dots and fieldsies how do they know where the braille is exactly and totally how's there enough dots in the world to spell a word I can't wait to read and fieldsies. How do they know where the braille is? Exactly. And, how is there enough dots

in the world to spell a word? I can't wait to read this book. It's like there's a wall. No, but genuinely, do you know what I mean? It says exits on the wall and it's got braille under it.

Or the exits down. It's my... Have exits got braille on them? Have road signs got braille on them? No, you don't touch road signs. I don't think you should be driving. You've missed your exit, Steve! I've killed four people!

Is it against the law to be blind? To drive? Great little add-on. Is it against the law to be blind? I mean, they should think about it. It should be against the law. And in China, it definitely is. Is it illegal to...

By the way, China can fuck off. Yes, mate! Because I put a video on TikTok. It was smashing it. And what happened? It got removed because it said the word cocaine. Yeah? Against community guidelines.

Oh, dear. The Chinese not love a bit of coke. I just think you can make comedy without talking about illegal substances, Adam. All right? So I think try and be better as a person and a comedian. All right? Fucking China taking shit down off TikTok.

Stupid dog shagging country. We've got a TikTok about 9-11 and think of taking that yeah but they're like that's funny is that what you think as a nation china found 9-11 china don't give a fuck what's that accent that's my china what was i talking about we're fucking beijing um drinking with that cunt and paul blair is is dangerous he's sat there by the way people think that tell them that he hasn't sat there freddie has not sat there oh mate do yourself a favor like comment on youtube if you want if you've got something sound to say, if you've got a little joke, but like, why didn't they talk to the guest for an hour and ten minutes?

Meh! How to make yourself look like an artard in one fucking YouTube comment. Artard? Is that what we're doing now? Yeah, pull the punch. Is it the E? Pull the punch.

Is that what they get upset by? More drug references. Thank you. Very popular podcast. And that's the kind of ban? More drug references. Thank you. Very popular podcast. And that's the kind of banter we really thrive on. Adam. What happened? Ready.

Drinking. We were drinking Peronis, pints of Peroni, all day. And it's just not, you can't sesh on a Peroni. You can't. And Paul Blair's an animal. What can you sesh on? What's your sesh pint? Carlin. You can't. And Paul Blair's an animal. What can you sesh on? What's your sesh pint? Carlin.

Carlsberg. Australia. Amstel. Amstel's like 4%, isn't it? Is it? What were we drinking last week? Carlin. Peroni's only like 4.6.

We had two in this afternoon. Carlin. Was it 4.8? Carlin topped we were on because we wanted it to not taste like Carlin. Yeah, so that's 3.6, isn't it? Yeah. With a bit of lemonade,

you've taken it down. No, Carlin's 4.6 in it yeah with a bit of lemonade you've taken it down sensible yeah but with a little bit of lemonade it's now not is it yeah just taking a bit of you can do that right but 5.1 peroni is it 5.1 peroni yeah heavy 4.8 is that how alcohol works what is that how percentages work? Of course it is. 4.8. No, not me and Napoli. I'm saying if you put a bit of lemonade in, it's not... How does it go?

Is a pear pint? Yeah, that's how it works. Well, it's a percentage, isn't it? Yeah. 5.1% of a pint of Peroni. Is a pear pint. Is alcohol. Is a pear pint, yeah.

No, it's pear... Whatever it is, it's a percentage. I'm just saying you're diluting it a little bit, aren't you? Yeah. So you're probably not taking the percentage down, but you are diluting it. It's not as boozy. So it must...

That pine, if it's got a dash of lemonade in it, is a little less than 3.6% or whatever, or 4%. Yeah. I feel like you don't know how percentages work. No, I do. I was just a bit confused. Don't fuck with Adam. He did really well at school Adam he did really well at school

he did really well at school and he you know beat some kid at chess and they were all made up saying I should beat him yeah and he's the king of the world

yes I am the best I am the best do you know that chess story hand on heart I don't know whether I made it up or not we've got an inkling though

haven't we I feel like it's true but I feel like I might have made it up or not. We've got an inkling though, haven't we? I feel like it's true. But I feel like I might have made it up years ago and I'm just remembering. All right. Everyone does that though. And I turn into a wolf at night. Right, so, yesterday's booze in,

Peroni. All day. And then into town. Aye. Messaging. Ding. Yeah, just. Ding. Ding. Yeah, just a really heavy one. Got in about one o'clock in the morning.

Sam was asleep. And then she wasn't. And she was really quite upset because she had work. What happened there? What happened there? I feel like we skipped over a little part of the... I got in at one and Sam was asleep. And then she wasn't.

And that's the end of that story. I woke her up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being a drunken bellend. Took her, took her dog out for a walk. Tell us how. I was like,

Ralphie! You wanna go for a walk? She was like, he's been for a fucking week, get him fucking bed. And I was like, he needs another one. So I took him downstairs.

Couldn't open my own back door, because I hadn't unlocked it. So it's on like a, you know a patio sliding door, they have those little pin things in the top and the bottom. Yeah because i hadn't unlocked it so it's on like a you know patio sliding door they have those little pin things in the top and the bottom yeah i hadn't took the pin out so i was just sort of ragged the door off and then i couldn't get my jeans off sexy yeah so as payback this morning she uh stole my phone when it was on the bed yeah and on my own instagram story she videoed me throwing. The audio of you puking.

You're doing pretty well considering you puked several hours, like not that long ago. Twice as well. Did it again after she'd gone to work. It was necessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you just feel better afterwards,

don't you? Get the devil out of your... If I get to puking stage, I feel terrible. Like I'm not like, cool, I'll drive to get a curtain And do a pod So you're holding it together pretty well

Gotta do two sets of hot water It's gonna be a long ass day for me No nap time And then tomorrow going off boozing with that cunt So much boozing going on You're gonna have to come and join us soon aren't you babe Soon but not just yet Why not just bring the baby

Just give him a shandy It's not to be a top You're going to have to come and join us soon, aren't you, babe? Soon, but not just yet. Why not just bring the baby? Yeah. Just give him a fucking, give him a shandy. Yeah. It's not to be a top. Yeah. If he starts crying, give him some whiskey. That's the actual thing, isn't it? You rub whiskey on your finger and rub it on their eyes

and it calms them down. Yeah, it's NHS. It's on, yeah. You can't see, can you? Speak to a midwife and they're like... It has to be scotch, though. Oh, yeah. It doesn't work.

Oh, yeah, no. Not cheap shit gotta do the good stuff you've tried that yet yeah i've done it did it this morning put whiskey on his eyes and then went see you love bye bye i'm off but you just assume it was okay one day soon i'm coming boozing with you what was the uh what happened with because Blair and Freddie at some point started talking about that drinking competition

didn't they yesterday they want to do a lockdown lock in and have a drinking contest oh jeez they have proposed that

and we'll talk to Freddie about it in a bit yeah they're keen and I think what would be good that night if we just took a chill you know if we just had a few we're just in a bit. Yeah, they're keen. And I think what would be good that night, if we just took a chill, you know, if we just had a few,

we're just in a nice little zone and just watch the chaos unfold. So we've done three lockdown lock-ins. The one where it was the three of us, this was pre-fin, PF. It was actually his second day. Were you in? No, you weren't in, were you?

You weren't allowed. And Carl puked yeah you were drinking like a yard of brandy or something weren't you i can't remember i was drinking that was silly and then the second one was johnny bongo and that was the pb where i don't want to get that drunk again on the pod adam was like a meat cheese fucking zombie and then ishan was a couple of weeks ago and i think it was my favorite of the lockdown lock-ins but i think you're right i think it will people will want to watch because in terms of patreon it's about what's going on patreon you need to be like rewarding the patrons who support us there's nearly three and a half thousand uh and that's

amazing and you also need to be like coaxing in listeners who are like i don't want to pay for a podcast you're daft you really do want to pay it's three quid a month so you want to coax them in but i don't think we can get involved in that drinking competition otherwise it's going to be a patron locking of us going because i i can't drink like them animals can you can you give it no no so what makes them so good at boozing it's freddie actually like them animals. Can you? Can you give up with Freddie and Paul? No. No. So what makes him so good at boozing? It's Freddie, actually. Like, to be honest with you,

Paul Blair, through sheer will, will stay awake until he physically can't. He gets a level and stays there forever, doesn't he? It's like a light switch, isn't it? Yeah. But Freddie does seem sober even when he's hammered. It's really strange. The cunt can drink.

He can really put them away. You know what I'm like? Until someone literally refuses to give me any more alcohol, I've got a tendency to just keep going. I'm not as bad as I used to be. I can go home now, but I'm sort of like, yeah, let's stay out. Let's keep going until we're not allowed anymore.

But I get fucked a few hours before that yeah it does i just used to go home as you hit a point of alcohol and then can't remember the point where i'm just like i'm done it could be late on or whatever but i was well known for just wandering home just like a a weird like not going oh fucking need to get me home being able to just walk off and just used to do that just ghosting my mates not even trying to be a cunt just in a weird like i'm done you get like that but you i don't go home i just if i get like that i just stop drinking and stay out wow well there's been times in the past where you've been like i want to go home and i've gone no and he's left me in town on my own because I just refused to go home.

Like a couple falling out. Yeah. That was... That horrible junction coming out of town, wasn't it? Yeah. He stopped at the taxi and ran back to town. And the taxi driver went, whoa, lad, I went,

let's just go, lad. Don't worry about it. Just let him go. Let him be free. It's like releasing Adam Rowe back into the wild. Like, go. Remember Paul Smith that time when he got off? And three hours later, I was in a taxi on the way home,

and he used to live in the next road to me, Paul. And he'd walked home. So in the time that we'd been drinking for three hours, Paul had stumbled to, what, five miles? Yeah. Walked right the way through Chewbrook yeah and I picked him up in a taxi

and I'm like lad what the fuck he went oh I just walked home so we'd have the night out as he was walking home Jesus yeah

kind of cleared you up that walk he wasn't clear though oh no he didn't no he was just like I think he was like getting alcohol

off the smack heads on the way through Chewbrook like a marathon runner grabbing water off a table heads on the way through tubu like a marathon runner grabbing water off a table i mean give some of that specky blue yeah oh jesus when was the last time you went out out uh-uh fucking uh-uh i went for drinks after no i went for drinks is not the start of an out out story I went to a party I went to drinks and a party

the night before we found out we were like Laura was pregnant so that was one because I had a little bit of you know

I found myself on some South American supplements that night and I was drugs okay thanks for

thanks for helping me with the euphemism just some vitamins and cocaine god do you want us to get pulled from China

yeah yeah there's no one's watching this in China this is disgusting I do not like this is this fellow troubled the Chinese government

were just like this is hilarious I love stories about paul smith drinking and then you said cocaine they were like cocaine say it in chinese cocaine right it's chinese okay um so yeah that was the that was a bit of a sesh if you want to feel weirdly guilty be a bit hung over and on the come down and have your wife go you're going to be a dad again and you're like okay better

sort my shit out how did she tell you she rang me she was away for the weekend that's why I was out playing it's just one of them weird moments where you're like okay I'm going to have a shower and I'm going to change my ways which I did for four or five weeks. And then I did it again.

Because when I get really wrecked, I quit drinking forever. And I promise that I'll never do drugs ever again until I do them again. Every proper hangover is me finding God and changing my ways until about Monday, Tuesday, where it wears off a little bit, and then I've started the stopwatch on the next big booze-up. If men were the ones who got pregnant, right, how would you announce it to your partner? How would you tell her?

You know what I mean? Because a phone call, no offence, Lorde, fucking shite that. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it's not the... Everything's more amazing with the first one.

Everything's more amazing with the first one. With the second one, with the... Why is the broadband speed test on the screen? He's hungover. Look what's happened.

Look what's happened. What is the way you tell your broadband speed test? Hey, love, have a look at this broadband speed test. Look at the upload speed. That's how jizz went into the womb that fast, and it worked. What girls be jizzing in here? You went into the womb that fast. And it worked. 90 megabit. Would girls be jizzing in here? You've got the womb.

No. If it squirts on you and then it would, you'd soak it through your sores. Oh my God. That's one of the worst things you've ever said. They squirt it on your sores. I haven't got any sores. Oh my God. But you said sores. On your pores. Oh, my God. But you said sores.

Like, oh, my God, you've got so many cuts and bruises. I'm looking to be a dad, though. Cut me. Right, so if it was the same sort of biological process, except for some miracle, the baby ended up in your, how would you announce it? The first time Laura came home on her lunch and came. For some reason

I thought you were about to say On a horse She came home On a horse First time she came home On a horse She came home Finally sir

An heir to the throne Ride with me That's the last thing You want to do If you've just found out You're pregnant You don't want to get On fucking horse

Do you On horse Is that how eggs drop out I feel like it would be That's the last thing you want to do if you've just found out you're pregnant. You don't want to get on fucking horse, do you? On horse. Is that how eggs drop out? I feel like it would be. On her lunch anyway. She came on her... She didn't came on her... Oh, God.

I squirted on her sauce. Sorry. Sorry, love. Yeah, it was... I don't know. I feel like with all those moments, there's a thing where you could overbuild it and try and be a cheesy cunt.

There's also something nice about just getting on with it and being like, you know, like a comedy club when someone comes in the dressing room, like there's a guy who wants to propose to his missus in front of the crowd. And you're like, yeah. I thought that was sort of fun when I was 22 and I just started in comedy i was

like oh wow how special and all the other older comics were like and i was like oh you're miserable fucks and then you do a few years of comedy and you go yeah it's it's the gesture's fine but it's a bit cringy it's also a bit like no one knows you no one really cares it can go wrong it can fuck up the show we don't know if you're a good couple we don't know if you're gonna do this properly or you just you just got a bevy in you and you're just attention seeking and so i just get a bit negative about it we don't know if you're a good couple no i don't know if he beats her just sat in the audience going, I can't enjoy this moment of him proposing.

I just can't. Because what if he doesn't always put the bins out on time? Yeah. I need to see your Instagram post for the last two years. Yeah. But I just feel like it, I get the gesture, but is it a bit cringey to be like,

hey, I haven't done it in a comedy club. And I feel like it can be the same with like, oh my God, announcing the pregnancy. Did you see the proposal video recently that went viral of the black fella at the petrol station? That was so bad. It's horrendous. Have you seen it?

Horrendous. What? So he got the police. Yes. To pull guns on him and be like, on the floor, on the floor, on the floor. On the floor. On the On the floor On the floor On the floor

Give me the money man I'll kick you in the face So he got his mate Who was a policeman He got the busies To pretend Who was a white policeman Yeah

Oh Yeah To be like Get on the floor Get on the floor And his missus is going I'm his wife I'm his wife

Don't shoot him He's a good person And then as he got on the floor, get on the floor. And his missus was going, I'm his wife, I'm his wife. He's on shooting. He's a good person. And then as he got on the floor, he went, you mad at me? And it was a big thing. But she was already his wife. Yeah. She did say, I'm his wife. Did she, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lying bitch. Because saying I'm his girlfriend, I'm his babe. The more likely he's to shoot you. Do you know what I mean? He's not into commitment. Pow. They don't take it as seriously.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean?'s not he's not into commitment pow they don't take it as seriously yeah do you know what I mean so so the banter was right I want to do something big this is even worse than the comedy club one which I think is cringy this is so bad

it's hilarious he's gone now there's obviously a massive threat being a black man in America at the moment with police brutality police shootings

I mean literally a massive cultural shift huge protest the president getting involved. Black people are genuinely scared for their lives if they get pulled over by a white policeman. I know what I'll do. I'll ring Phil from the local precinct and we will have quite the time.

But he gets like a round of applause from like the whole courtyard and she's like, oh my God, this is amazing. It's like, it's fucking weird. It's horrendous. Imagine if the gun had gone off yeah i imagine they weren't loaded you know what i mean the death are loaded they're policemen you imagine if if if someone just came into what what their like police captain would say if at that moment when they were doing the banter like someone drove up and like started shooting at the police and like, oh,

we're not loaded, we're doing a proposal. Like, if they were loaded, I think they have to be loaded, don't they? Safety on, maybe,

but. They're always loaded to go, aren't they, in America? Alright, yeah, cool.

If you were carrying a gun, you'd have it loaded, wouldn't you? You would. The old Bill Bear bit is like, you know, he'd keep it locked

and loaded in his top drawer. And his missus is like, read that you you keep the the barrel in the living room the bullet so what am i gonna fucking chase around the house where's the scope it's in the living room he's in the living room i love that line yeah uh yeah don't do don't over bake it if you found out out you're pregnant there's nothing wrong with like listen you've got

a working dick and balls and you've put it right there no I would get what would you go for like when they want like a football manager out of a football club and they get a plane

to go over like Old Trafford and play a goal girl yeah instead of Wenger out it's baby in yeah yeah yeah

get a plane and then like maybe get a parachutist to jump out of it right a baby holding a sign saying this is for you by the way because maybe she'd see it and be like wow you've really doubled down on the security of her finding this out haven't you so it's a plane with a sign yeah which usually flies quite low so you can seal the sign. But you're like, she might not be concentrating because she's distracted.

I'll get a parachute guy to jump out dangerously low to the ground to be like, did you miss it? It's a common name though, isn't it? Oh, it might be another one. It might be another Sam. Right. No, it's you. Yeah.

It's you, by the way. I'd get another plane. Another plane. Sam, we're pregnant. And then she'd be like, it's you. Yeah. It's you, by the way. I'd get another plane. Another plane. Sam, we're pregnant. And then she'd be like, oh, God. That's also like a name that could be a girl or a guy. Who knows who that is? And then another plane.

No. No, babe. You. You. If you're thinking it's you. Do you know what I'd do? I'd commit a crime. So announce I was pregnant. And then let the news do it.

Let the news do it. And he's pregnant as well pregnant man yeah and i go yeah shot himself oh i wouldn't shoot i'll shoot someone else right yeah that went right to its natural end there carl carl went a little bit dark with that one i'd killed someone then they'd be oh, there was a pregnant murderer today. Oh, I'm going to be a parent. Single parent. Yeah, so I just keep it. There's nothing wrong with just keeping it on the fairway.

Don't be a cheesy cunt if you don't. Unless there's that special thing that you've got going. It's like finding out the sex of a baby when they're pregnant, and there's like the cannons, and it's blue or pink. Did you hear the story in America where one of them exploded and killed grandma? I am not even joking. They have these cannons and they were like...

It's a girl though, isn't it? Yeah. One out? It's either pink or blue and that's how you know. Gender reveal. And it's how you know gender reveal and it exploded early the gender reveal and there was a bit of metal

in the thing because it was some cheap shit made by China and it exploded lodged in fucking grandma's head and she was deared heavy yeah

don't you wish you'd just got a fucking picture of a dick and balls out and be like it's a boy a dick and balls I don't know you know here's a dick pic you know what that means don't you here's a fucking picture of a dick and balls i'd be like it's a boy dick and balls i don't know you know here's a dick pic no that means don't you here's a baby dick pic i'm not joking go when you go for the sex scan that is all you're looking for on a fucking

computer screen is a dick and balls you're just there with a professional going and here's the head and that's really healthy do you know what it is yet are you finding out and then we're just going to move around it like that's it two legs and arms looking baby's looking really good and and then i'm finding myself just going balls balls no no that's just that's dick you're literally looking for a dick and balls i've just realized what i would do right flash mob you know like dancing and that is this to announce your pregnancy yeah all right okay a flash mob in like great flash mob by the way you can see that you are you know when you think you're the best at everything you're not a good dancer are you just loads of people do adam you know are you be honest because it'd be so great to see you just climb down on one

thing ever depends what type of dance you're on about dancing with you know rhythm moving rhythmically to a beat i mean flash mob yeah that's just the start though i haven't really got it right you know tom segura and burt kreischer did uh like a like a dance challenge thing. I'd smash you off the face of the earth with that shit. Yeah, mate. You wouldn't even notice it was a flash mob. There'd be thousands of us just going. Thousands of you all doing a shit dance.

I'll just start saying it like a baby. Is that? It's like a festival of people with head trauma. It's hard to come up with a good dance on the spot, isn't it? So many people have been in car crashes in West Derby. Tell me something to do with a baby. Do the footballer baby dance. Yeah. We can do that one. we can do that one can do that one

Romario yeah no I can bust what is this you look like you're fucking moving the water in the bath got a fucking bit of hot, bit of cold. Get it down. Put it away.

Bring it forward. Take it back. I like it. I can move a bit. You're still pissed. You should be able to dance better than this. What's wrong with that? You look like you're putting a shirt on.

It doesn't fit. Fuck it. Get ready for Adam's flash mob. Nevermind the tour. You could be one of a thousand people going. Do the tadpole. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's not a known pregnancy in any way.

Oh, at the end of it, I go, we're pregnant by the way, babe. Right. No, it writes into the song. Oh, they're, we're pregnant, by the way, babe. Right. No, I'd write it into the song. Oh, they're singing as well? How would that go? What? Do, do, do, do, do.

We're pregnant. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You squirted on my sauce. In my open pores. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Do the bathtub. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Well, that's next month. Maybe August. I get Finn to write the song. Oh. Laura's gone. Because I'm pregnant. But we're pregnant, so don't worry because there's still the same amount of people in our lives.

Nailed it. I've got a lot to work with yeah yeah i'm ready yeah bored eh just bored so you thought you'd write a song if anyone doesn't know what we're talking about by the way finn has written a song called lord has gone and it was posted on patreon so if you are a patron go and check that out and if you're not we should whack it on at the end should we no can if you want should we whack it on at the end yeah it is it's not a cover is it no no it's not a cover is it what do you mean you know it's not a cover off the advert on youtube i know but you know it's not a cover why did you go it's not it's it's called laura's gone who's it uh is it kings of leon no it's the killers is it just checking is it a cover what you're about you know it's not a cover

it's called laura's gone it could have just been a song that just happens to fit really well with what we do on this right yeah it could have been i think he's doing a joke isn't he ah was he ah for fuck's sake remember you can't play it's difficult though it's difficult though because you play possum sometimes

and then other times you say thick things it's weird one of the lines Adam is moved to Mozambique and she's taking the kids yeah I know

now Dan's sat in runcon with the lids and you there was there was there was a good 30 seconds there Where you believed

That I thought The Rolling Stones Did that first We have Both said Stupid enough shit That it is conceivable That you were having

A brain fart At that moment Little clones though Had a lot Had a lot of support For the little clones comment Thanks for everyone Who was on my team.

Just slapping you there. Just raising some money for Unicef. Can I just chat before we go? They're little clones. They're two clones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, on with your day. When I do my dance video,

I'm going to get two little mini-me's dancing with me. They're going to be my little clones. I felt under pressure there to actually do a move. You were taking the piss out of my dancer. What's that? I realised that as soon as I did that, I was like, oh God, this is going to be good. And when you sat here, there's no way of,

what am I doing? Bussing a move. Yeah. Can you bus moves? Can you bus moves? I feel like you can. I feel like you can bus a move. You can bus a move out.

Yeah? Yeah. Good dancer? What's your favourite move? I just go with the music man I'm more of a sort of interpretive dance freestyler

yeah you know the I love a kick mate a kick a kick yeah come on come on come on

did you just do that for everyone behind a desk just it was just for me like it was sort of like on a... Yeah. It's like a little stage.

You're a great finger dancer. Little stage, yeah. Little buster. Dan, I've heard you're more of an act out the lyrics dancer. I don't know how you dare to say that. You're not that now. How dare you? I act out the lyrics. That's. I don't know how you dare to say that. You're not that now. How dare you? I act out the lyrics. That's how you dance, innit? That's how you get the song across with your dance moves.

Yeah. You know what I mean? My heart will go on. That's what she's doing, isn't she? My heart will go on. Like, over there. Yeah. This flash mob's gonna be dog dog shit, isn't it? I'm still standing by Elton John.

It's just literally just Adam going... What? Yeah. Looking like a... Right, we need a dance off we need I don't know when we can do this but I'd absolutely smash the flaps off you

do you reckon yeah play the game like the little no no I'm not doing that stupid thing that's for Korean children yeah yeah that's the only's for That's for Korean children Yeah Yeah

But like That's the only way For it to be Objectively judged isn't it No I think we'd have to get It's a subjective thing Like what do you think Is good dancing

I might be there like That's shit You need to get a bit of this in Do the bathtub Like To me This is good And there's no like Official way to mark dancing You could have a seizure And you'd be like Like, to me, this is good.

And there's no, like, official way to mark dancing. You could have a seizure and you'd be like, I fucking nailed that seizure. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Who's to say? Dan, would you ever go on Strictly Come Dancing or Dance On Ice? No.

If you got big enough. Why? Because that is, that's not the type of dancing that i'm talking about i'm talking about getting pissed and then using supplements to be like i can feel the music watch my fucking moves you know i'm not talking about having a dance with some fucking polish hottie that's wearing way too much makeup really lent on my polish then polish i'm fucking polish i dropped the p-bomb saved it with hottie pole i actually i've having done like some of that ballroom dancing

like with one of my ex-girlfriends fuck me it's hard work and then you're like under pressure and you get like sweaty palms and you just feel like a bell end and especially on strictly come dancing when someone's amazing and you know they're like in the head they're like oh you're doing so well no keep going dan why does he sound like a male that's my polish that's my polish hottie say that again they're all they're nearly all foreign the dancers on strictly come dancing on that was polish though because it sounded like chinese it sounded like a chinese fella who'd spend time in italy you're doing really good dan no i'd hate it it's way too much pressure and then also you've got to be really

cheesy and supportive of the other dancers i watched ramsey on it because i just couldn't stop watching ramsey on that because ramsey's someone that I know when I knew when he started and everything he's done great but it was just you have to stop being a comedian you have to be like hey we're all a team and everyone's doing really well and oh we tried so hard with the dance I just wanted to do it for Katya or whoever you're dancing with and it's the same shit From fucking everyone And there's basically Some like Borderline special needs Former MP

Who's like The spanner one Who's like Oh my god look He's not shat himself He's done really well And then there's the There's like

The girl from Emmerdale Who was a professional dancer For four years Before she got into soaps Rugby player Or cricket player And they're always shit hot

But there's always like Oh like Like some idiot But he wouldn't be nice though Like Ed ed balls he wouldn't be nice it looks like a fucking nightmare and then you show the rehearsals like and this is what they've been doing all week in some studio in west london fuck off i'd be like mate i'm so bored of dancing i'll just get it on the night i'll have half a pill We'll work it out Ladies and gents Dancing to My Heart Will Go On

Dan and Katia Strictly on ecstasy That'd be a well better programme Just give a load of people Who've like not been on a night out In a while Because they've had kids Like a bag of pills each

And we'll judge that Yeah It'd be well better And then Kat Me just trying to like talk to cat dealer you're right you're meant to be dancing down never mind that never mind that you look amazing for your age amazing you're 78 cat daily not not cat daily what's she called don't mean cat daily test daily test daily that's for me um what are we calling um so what you want it dancing on gaddies. Dancing on Gary's.

That's exactly what it'd be. Dancing on Gary's. Yeah. You'd be the judges. Craig Revelhorn. Bez from the Happy Mondays. Goldie. Sean Ryder.

Sean Ryder. You can't have Bez and Sean. No. Only have one. Goldie. Yeah. Bez. Goldie. Goldie Sean Ryder Sean Ryder you can't have Bez and Sean only have one Goldie yeah Bez Goldie

Goldie and El Chapo El Chapo El Chapo yeah Reesy fans you know the one

from say that again First State oh but in character as the scouser yeah you love that film

drugs Mr. McElroy drugs at our mates he loves them dancing on Gary's that's an ITV production isn't it let's be honest

I don't think the BBC are touching ITV will commission any dog shit it's more Channel 5 I think dancing on Gary's on ice is the natural

progression I feel like I've got laser blades on my shoes you have and I'll do them just on the ice fucking works that's not as good

I'm moving I'm trying to make this bastard thing happen but have you watched Strictly Come Dancing am I wrong it looks fucking horrible it's not my type of telly I don't mind watching the X it just it's not my type of telly that

i don't mind it's not my type of telly is it i've just got a missus who watches strictly and since the panady has been a thing all of a sudden i've seen more of it do you watch stuff with laura when you don't like it and she wants to watch it a little bit sometimes it's you've just got to be like she watches stuff and then you end up watching it because you can't always be in separate rooms like i don't want to watch this. I want to watch something else. Like, it's fine. If she wants to watch, like, if my missus wants to watch, like, Made in Chelsea.

I actually sort of get into that one a little bit. I just quite like watching posh people just be posh. It used to be great. We used to watch it, didn't we? Like, Towie. She watches that and I just sit there just like oh no we watch uh towie spinoffs um the one with baby paul what's the fucking amy childs she's got like a sister and there's two of them the baby diaries or something oh yeah yeah

it's not even towie it's boring Towie we used to be interesting now I've got babies baby Paul's got reflux fucking nightmare Paul doesn't want to do any dead work oh nightmare how the fuck is that on like the 50s that's a really really good accent

that was fantastic to watch Jesus Christ it's boring it's not even the original Towie it's the spin off where they're just like I've had a really sleepless night remember when they released a trailer

for the Scouse one it was called This is Liverpool and it never even got made yeah remember this was Scouse World

everyone at Liverpool went no that looks horrendous and it's just going to make every stereotype about the city amplified fuck off

then there was a Cheshire one living on the edge Alderley edge didn't work out my auntie used to run a pub there The city amplified. Fuck off. Then there was a Cheshire one, Living on the Edge, Alderley Edge. Didn't work out. My auntie used to run a pub there. Did David Beckham go?

David Beckham, yeah. Brooklyn Beckham. Yeah. I'm not, I just think the reality show stuff is pretty brutal. You have to put on them after work and not have to use your brain in any way. How I met your mother and friends are that for me.

No, I mean, for older people, like the soaps and shit like that, you just put on and go, oh, right. Yeah, fair enough, innit? You don't lay anything, do you? That's fair enough. I've got some sort of fluff TV that I kind of like. Would you do Strictly Come Dancing?

Yeah. It's a massive career thing. My attitude has always been, I will do whatever sells me more tour tickets. I don't necessarily think the clientele of Strictly would all like my work no

I would love to watch you on Strictly because you've just got to be nicey nice supportive you've got to just like everyone plays the same role

Ramsay did it Sean Walsh did it and obviously that had issues but that was not on the show got himself in a little bit of trouble with his dance partner but you know and he's suffered for that along the way pretty pretty fucking unfairly to be fair um you have to be like you know just really try in and i just want to make katya proud he's doing very well like i would love to see you dancing with boss see your ass when you couldn't do some weird like tap dancing move that's a good move on thursday adam and katya had a bit of an issue i've seen you because you're very good at

the adverts when you have to do it to camera i've got no ability to remember stuff and then re-say it it's fucking painful and the more people are watching the more pressure's on when you have lost it with an advert it's very entertaining to watch you in a studio in West London lose your shit because you couldn't do a fucking kick change or

something, oh that'd be amazing I've got my kicks, I can do a kick change, whatever that is yeah yeah and I bring this to Strictly every single week that's me I've got my kicks. I can do a kick change, whatever that is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I bring this to Strictly. You know what I mean? Every single week,

that's me. Every single week, I'd start like this. Now doing the tango. Adam refuses to learn a new dance move. He just does this. We're not even going to make it

out of first week. He's going to lose to fucking former member of parliament who has mental illness. John Prescott. Yeah, I reckon I'd do all right. I reckon give me six weeks. Yeah.

I'd win it. Even though it's 12 weeks long, the series, it gets us like week six being Adams the best. Fucking crap. I think I'd do it. I think I'd smash it no i would do it i would i'd do any show like that you wouldn't you wouldn't do any show like that robot wars would you do robot wars i tried to do robot wars when i was a kid what i know we all know what there is a line that you wouldn't do

surely come on you wouldn't do dancing on ice of course I would oh that's better no it's worse

it's so bad what are you talking about this is terrible television people pay to go ice skating I'd just get to go ice skating for free for weeks oh it'd be

fucking awful basically what you've just asked me there basically is do I want a black car for Alton Towers it's the same awful. Basically, what you've just asked me there, basically, is, do I want a blackout for Elton Towers? It's the same thing.

Do you know what I mean? I can't believe you'd do that. Of course not. I think the reality would kick in. I'd do Bake Off. Oh, yeah. A hundred percent. I'd do Ready, Steady, Cut. Celebrity Bake Off's a doddle, though, isn't it?

You just go, even if you shit, like, ah, he's a comedian. Can't do a fucking sponge to save his life and everyone's like i nearly said flange i nearly said flange flange i nearly said flange my first like type of cake that came into my head was like flange can't do a flange to save his life what do i mean a flange flange yeah yeah really really funny that you brought that up. This is 100% true. On my Facebook memories yesterday, I'd put a thing on as a status

when I lived with my Auntie Carol. My Auntie Carol's great. Like, you'd love her. Because she's just... She just doesn't... It's sort of like what we do on this. If she thinks something, it's now public information.

It just comes out of her mouth. I kind of love those people. They're brutal, but... We sat on the couch one day and Jeremy Kyle was on and just neither of us watching. I kind of love those people. They're brutal, but... We sat on the couch one day and Jeremy Kyle was on and just neither of us watching it, just like nothing to do. And she went,

never liked the word flange, you know? And I went, what? She went, I don't like it. And I went, why have you brought that up? She was like, it just comes to my head. I really don't like it. And I went, why? And she went, because to this day,

I don't know whether it's a cake or me fanny. Answers on a postcard fyi if you whip out a flange on the celebrity bake-off it will do really well on the old social media retweets everyone's made tiramisu but adam's got his flange out uh let's have a little break, and then we'll be back. Mirror, mirror on the wall, what's the best brand for products that help you shave your balls? It is, of course, the products available at manscaped.com. Manscaped.com are one of the sponsors for the Have A Weird podcast, and we absolutely fucking love them.

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and you get to get your balls looking all neat and tidy. And maybe your beard will suck you off a bit more often. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Back to the pod. Oh. That was horrible in my ears. Not enjoyable. You're not like sounds like that now?

You're not into like a... I'm not bothered by them them but that is not a enjoyable experience particularly are you a chewer like do you hate people who chew oh one of the worst sounds of my life you know like it's just made me remember the sound of my dad chewing a sundae roast when i was told this before yeah oh, like, you know when you're like, because when you're a kid, your dad seems huge. Yeah. They just look big.

And he's just watching the fucking, like, giant portions of Sunday roast. And then he was always about manners, my dad, because I think his mum had been quite strict with him. And you always eat with your mouth closed. And you're like, you should be in another fucking room, you horrible, big... Eat with the door closed. Like a tumble dryer

of just horrible noises. All the sardines, my noise. Will they bother you if I masturbate in your ear? I mean, it's a separate... It's a separate sound issue. One was like a horrible nostalgia thing. The other is sexual assault, isn't it?

What noise does it make? If you're gonna wank into my ear is that going on patreon no I don't mean I don't wanna come

in your ear I just mean like right next so like you'd be facing that I don't think the sound would be the issue

it doesn't make it doesn't make that sound though does it or do you make the sound I honestly thought you said baby blood

then baby blood then. Baby blood. Not a bit of baby blood, then. That's exactly what it sounds like. It's classic bullshit of wanking. When I'm wanking... Like that is... Honestly, what have you got, trench dick?

Taking on water around the crotch. Yeah, no, I always masturbate, but there's a bit of flooding down there. No, but if you put a bit of lubrication or... The French thought. A little bit of couture. That makes it sound spaffy, doesn't it? Yeah.

If you were doing that near my ear, the sound wouldn't be all of the problem. But would the sound be a problem? It'd be one of a few problems okay i just i don't know what you like i don't know you that well even a year in do you know what i mean you know me well enough though don't you i think you've got an inkling is that fair to say i think you know me both professionally and personally to know that you with me why would I be sat down and you'd be stood up like sit down Dan let's see if this freaks you out don't be a weirdo

let me finish but like you just told me that you wouldn't like him if I'd have just done it that would have been worse wouldn't it it's better that I ask

yeah what consent yeah you said no so I won't do it you are such a gentleman you always believe it you're such a

big believer in consent you for you no don't wank near my ear means no yeah no means no especially when it's like wanking in your mate's ear i'll always just check before i do something in case you know in case it's gonna bother you yeah you can't you can't knock them that's nice i'll never set you house on fire without checking with your face if you want it on fire top bloke yeah just a good lad just it's good etiquette isn't it yeah i won't stick my dick in your exhaust pipe of your car without checking with you first you can't promise that can you no you might not know he's done it that big old BMW stupid start to this section Harry Robinson does anyone do shag cars? yeah

Harry Robinson in unison Harry Robinson it is impossible to not do something we've done before on the pod it's borderline impossible because we've done

a shagging cars bit have we? have we yeah? we've talked about people who like wanna fuck cars oh yeah and he shag roller coasters people like get married it's like Ford Fiesta it's fucking mental I know it's not nice

it's the sort of laugh of people right but they are some of the stupidest cunts in the world aren't they? I fell in love with this lamppost it's mine now that's when mental illness is fun innit that's when you're allowed to have a laugh at it if you marry a 1987

Ford Cortina come on come on bro guys come on what would you marry what would you marry Guys, come on. What would you marry? Yeah, what would you marry? If you had to marry a non-human, non-animal.

Non-Element. You're a fucking idiot. If you had to marry a non-human, non-animal. Close down. You love otters, don't you? You love a sea otter wife. Where would she live? Down in the squelchy bit.

You've got to marry an inanimate object. If you fuck an otter, it's going to sound like that, isn't it? And also like... If you've got to marry an inanimate object, a bed. A bed? A couch, I think. A couch or a bed? It's a couch I think a couch or a bed it's easier to shag a couch than a bed

why are we shagging it oh yeah we are shagging this but I don't like it you're not going to marry something you don't want to fuck I already do a lot of sexual things within that sort of bed frame

so you know that feels appropriate yeah my garden office I'd fucking marry that garden office right now yeah not a car a bouncy castle My garden office. I'd fucking marry that garden office right now.

Yeah, not a car. A bouncy castle. This is my wife, the bouncy castle. Who are you showing it to? Bit dodgy with bouncy castle, isn't it? Because it's essentially a child's play area. Yeah, I'm married to this and we make love, but you know, not on a Sunday afternoon anymore because I've had that go wrong.

Anything's a child's play if they want it shoes off dicks away Adam's bouncy castle Chernobyl yeah try and find a dry bit

Harry Robinson should I just do silly ones because I don't think we're in there we've literally got the I don't think we've got the mental capacity today to do serious ones. No, I have.

I have. You have? Yeah. I don't think you have. Sam McGuire says... Oh, dear, dear. Come on, Dan. Sam McGuire says,

If you had to be undercover cops for six months what would your name and backstory be? so shout out to Sam Maguire who is fucking amazing I love him but if you had to go undercover for six months

what would you do? Draymond Weatherby Draymond Weatherby Draymond Weatherby. Draymond Weatherby. Draymond Weatherby. I think that's kind of... What's the word? I can't think of the word,

but I think using the word Draymond as your undercover name kind of works against the fact that you're undercover. Why? Because you don't look like your name's Draymond. I'll make myself look like I do. Like it is. Are you going to do that? Use your imagination.

Put that hat on. Yeah. If you had to be an undercover cop for six months, your name would be Draymond Weatherby. You get caught in the first hour. Caught? What do you mean caught? The name's not the important bit.

There's like, I just don't know. How would you even say, I don't understand why Sam's gone for cop, because we are not policemen in any way. So we would be the worst. Although, do you know what? We're not. You're right. You are right. In no way is do you know what we're not you're right

yeah you are right but we've ever in no way is anyone in this room a policeman you're right but we haven't

we have not we actually could be amazing undercover people because no one would think those fucking idiots that do a podcast are policemen

yeah until they air this episode and now they're like ooh but if you had to go into witness relocation yeah what would you do? I'd?

Witness relocation. Where would you ask to go? Oh, where? Oh. Where and what? Because, you know, you get a, obviously you want to be Draymond Weatherby, but where would you go?

So you get done for... His dick's too big. Yeah, for getting your dick out and trying to bonk your wife who is a bouncy castle and because that happens yeah I get to go into witness protection

yeah yeah yeah yeah but you testify against you know a bigger bouncy castle paedophile ring because Hillary Clinton was renting out bouncy castles

around the Merseyside area yeah so I go into witness protection where's Draymond where have you been Hawaii innit should we go to Hawaii yeah

in the UK it sounds like Merseyside police are going to be like right you're going in with witness relocation where do you want to go Mauritius

yeah I know you do lad where's nice in the world I tell you what here at Merseyside Police we really go that extra mile for anyone we're putting in witness relocation are you telling me that if I bust open

an international Hillary Clinton ran bouncy castle paedophile ring that Merseyside Police are going to handle our case it's from Liverpool it's our case. It's from Liverpool. It's our case. Fuck you, FBI. I'd go to somewhere nice and hot.

I don't... I'll say that. I like going somewhere off for like a couple of weeks. I don't know whether I'd want to live like three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun. You know what I mean? I wish I'd done it at some point in my ute.

I found comedy too early and then was like, ah, I'm on the, I just want to do this. People keep giving me more cash than I'd get. Like by 24, I was getting more cash than all my mates were a week to go and have a fucking laugh. So at what point was I going to live abroad? But I would have looked back now and go,

should have just given it a fucking go for a bit. I'd be tempted to live in New York for a bit. Yeah. Or LA, just to roll the old career dice. But I wouldn't want to move to, like, fucking Spain. And just be one of the barbacks or one of the promo people in, like, Benidorm. That's the obvious choice.

My missus lasted eight days and started having kidney failure and just came home because she had, like, a panic attack hangover. She was going to go, what's the one in, is it Cyprus? Is it Ayia Napa? Yeah. She managed about a week and a half in Ayia Napa. Her and a mate went out

and they were like 19. That's a lot of. Yeah. And she drank every night for like eight days and just had that cumulative hangover. You know when you like can't function, but she just kept drinking through it. And she said when she

got home her mum was like really upset because her eyes were going a bit yellow you know when people have just been hitting the booze hitting them not it's not hangover eyes i tell you who look like this rob mulholland about five years ago at the fringe yeah yeah we saw rob mulholland towards the end of the fringe and i rob mulholland is one of those mates where you're like, you want him to get into some sort of injury-based, like, hijinks. Because it's like, ah, fuck you, Rob. Like at my wedding when he basically went feral, lost a car, lost a girlfriend and was released back into the wild for two days. It's funny.

Rob's one of those guys that you want awful things to happen to because you know he can handle it and it makes a funny anecdote and it's rob you're like ah fuck off it's mulholland i saw him he was so gray in the eyes i just my instinct was like we need to get you out of this bar we need to feed you you know like you see videos of people doing relief work in africa and they're like why is this small child you did that on the road yeah and then they've like adopted the kid like here 10 years later it's i adopted him and now he's 13 he looks really well i wanted to do that with rob mulholland i need to take you to a safe place we need to get you well he'd gone gray in the eyes he just looked fucked

laura had a bit of that going on so that abroad, not really the abroad you want to do, is it? That was never the one. I quite like Liverpool. And I think, you know, I often consider myself quite lucky that I was born in a good city. Imagine being born in like fucking Preston.

Hartfordshire. Why do you always say that? Like I don't, yeah, because I was born in Preston, which is the other cultural capital of the North. Imagine being born where you were born, Dan. Yeah, Adam! What you do is move around and leave.

Yeah, I just couldn't be arsed with that. That's why I like Rotherham or something. It'd have to be an improvement on Liverpool, and that's New York for me. And London's shit. Yeah, London is shit. A night out in London is dog shit. I like London for a week

max like three four five days ideally yeah then you're done and then i'm like i want to just not have quite this many people well new york is as busy it isn't well if you're going to london to go to the busy places new york isn't quiet grand Grand Central Station is as busy as Houston. New York's pretty busy, Mo. Not as busy as London in my experience. Like, Times Square is. Yeah. And Broadway. But like,

other than that, not really. Like, certainly when I was there, it was just it was a slightly busier Liverpool. That's what it felt like to me. Imagine if you moved to New York and then what are we going to do with the pod? Me in Runcorn.

I remember, have you heard of the Bugle that Andy Zaltzman did with John Oliver? It was a really popular podcast. Started about 10 years ago and it did amazing numbers. It was one of the first podcasts I listened to and Zaltzman and John Oliver had obviously started together

and then John Oliver got the gig on The Daily Show. Is it The Daily Show that he did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his career's just skyrocketed since then. And Zaltzman and John Oliver did shows together. They were like double headers. They were like a writing duo. So they did their own stand-up, but they also did shows together. were like a double double headers they were like a writing writing duo so they did their own stand-up but they also did shows together they're fucking brilliant and

it was sad because on the bugle you just literally it was the audio version of someone someone's career going fucking great and someone else's career going fine so if you move to new york everyone would be like fucking lads he's done so well adam's living in fucking brooklyn amazing and they still do have a word they just do it on zoom every week it's amazing adam's found like a studio in brooklyn and he goes down he actually he shares it with fucking chris distef. They've gone in half and half. Yeah. Where's Dan? Still in Runkard.

Getting bitched about by fucking knobheads who work here. You can't move electric. We already have. Oh, God. Yeah. Twice. So if you move to New York, you've got to take me with you. Laura, Dan's gone.

Where? With Adam. Laura's coming. Just because it cannot be a podcast that's half in New York and half in Runkor wouldn't you move your family to New York

because I've got problems with my sleep I I've moved to a village in Cheshire because I I like the fact you get a bit of space

and it's chilled buffalo chilled out what buffalo like upstate new york upstate new york yeah right you just have to commute in yeah it was it was amazing what you did there because you were like oh upstate new york but then you picked a city in upstate new york rather than the rest of upstate new york which is just countryside why don't you move to another city upstate new york you mean just upstate i'll just move upstate new york which is just countryside why don't you move to another city upstate new york i mean just upstate i'll just move upstate new york yeah yeah there you go just space there just commuting yeah yeah smashed it have a weird new york coming very very soon where would you yeah obviously i'd happily move to new york i think austin's where it's at podcast

wise though in it boys should we not be part of... Texas, yeah. It would be the weirdest move if we went from, after all of the shit that we've gone Texas to scam, if we went Roncorn to Texas. I would like to live in Texas, you know? I reckon I'd fit in there. How do we make that work?

Like, you know... You're done? That's all you need? You would. You would. You give off big dick cowboy vibes, I think. Yeah. Woo! Plus you love oil and farmers. Woo! That's it. need. You would. You would. You give off big dick cowboy vibes, I think. Yeah. Woo!

Plus you love oil and farmers. Woo! That's it. You love farmers. That's what Texas people do. Do you, Texas? What? What?

Oh! That's the application form. You test how good you are at doing that. Welcome to Texas. Can you do a Texas accent? Woo! Okay. Okay. Austin, woo, woo! Okay. Okay.

Austin, Texas, motherfucker. From Roncon, Austin. We gon' run this shit in six fucking weeks. Yeah. We always six weeks from greatness. Woo, woo!

Woo! That's how they talk. Draymond Welby. I remember... There's a microphone. Back in the motherfucking day, That's how they talk. Draymond Welby. I remember. There's a microphone. Back in the motherfucking day when I was eating some corn on a cob. Back in the motherfucking day.

With my grandma. Draymond, where are you right now? Are you Texas? Austin, Texas. Y'all are in Texas now. Yes! This is awesome. Finlay, could you get me the flag, the one-star Lone State flag?

Thank you, honey. Oh, yeah, we've got it. Come on, Draymond. Cut me wide open. I bleed these colours. You're black. Why are you black? Do a Texas accent.

White Texas. Cut me open. I bleed these motherfucking colours. Cut me open. I bleed these motherfucking colours. That aneurysm is not far away, is it? Jelly beans having an aneurysm. Woo! Turn into Rick Fly. away that jelly beans have an anionism

it's a rick fly texas you're the gun as well oh we've got guns here like are you roses stay down i'll kick you in the fucking face. I don't think we can do more questions. I think we just need to talk to Draymond. Ask me anything you want to know. Draymond. Are you undercover?

I use it as a cape, and sometimes in my barbecue sauce, I use it as a bib. Oh, shit. This is witness relocation. This is witness relocation. Ivan Roe becomes this. Yeah. Y'all need to stay quiet now.

You're in Austin. You're trying to hide from those Merseyside police. No, I'm not trying to hide from anybody. I never hid from a goddamn fight in my life. Woo! That's just a for BMW. Woo! Adam's gone.

Mentally, now Adam's gone we've got Draymond doesn't know haven't we we've got Draymond it's time to have a word with Draymond and Dan talking loads of shit did you forget that you

weren't Adam then yeah Adam and oh shit woo that's all you've got is the woo and the guns actually yeah with me guns who do you vote for there Shit. Woo! That's all you've got is the woo.

And the guns. Actually, yeah, I brought me guns. Who'd you vote for there, Draymond? I vote for, based on policy, motherfucker. The most sensible answer ever. I use the flag of Texas sometimes to get a little barbecue. Woo! I'm Draymond. Woo!

Who'd you vote for? Well, I vote on policy. It's all about education for me. You seem like a Republican, Draymond. No, I change my mind like the wind. Someone says something I don't like, I'm like, I'm not voting for this piece of shit anymore

I'll vote for the opposite just to piss you off good I feel like my motto is policy policy policy that is no one's policy that is no one's motto that's my philosophy on life my mama always said

life is life policy policy policy woo defeat on life. My mama always said life is life. Policy, policy, policy. Policy, policy, policy. Woo! Harry and Indy clone right now are just working away. It's both a low point and high point of this pod so far today. You okay?

I would go to Texas. I think you you do really well To be honest It interests me more Than New York or LA Which I feel like Is a bit like Hacky

Not hack A bit cliche Take this to a Tech in the game Yeah Woo Dog shit Dog shit by the way

Woo It was the draft last night That was good fun Was it? Did you watch it? I night. That was good fun. Was it? Did you watch it? I recorded it and watched it this morning. Was it good? It was alright.

A few trades here and there. Exciting. First three picks were pretty standard. It's really good. Shows the teacher shit about it. Everyone boos Roger Goodell, the commissioner. That's like the banter. Whenever he turns up,

even though he does every pick in the first round, he's the whole time he introduces everyone the fans just give him shit boo him it's i don't know like obviously he hands out fines and everything and then you've got all the players backstage and they're in different booths now they can't be anywhere near each other because of covid and then and then basically they come out and they try and look some of them look really smart others look like they have just sold

five kilos of heroin and have dressed just after it like literally like wow I've got all this drug money this is how I'm going to dress

and then they do the Bill Burr bit like how do you feel you're a member of the Buffalo Bills I want to thank God it seems to be the last day

the guy said see ya shall we have a break and bring Freddie Quinn in off low bills I want to thank God seems to be the last day to go to bed see ya shall we have a break and bring Freddie Quinn in yeah Draymond I think you

called it there's just no more pod left in this section woo hey listen to this this podcast have a word yeah

is sponsored by beer52.com and we have been for about a year now they are our og sponsor and i've got to tell you about them if you don't know who they are they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the uk what's a craft beer discovery club adam well i'll fucking tell you mate okay what they do is they help you discover craft beer they send you different craft beers every month from all over the world different themes every month as well you might get a month

worth of south african beers you might get some from argentina the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers that you've never heard of. And here's the best thing, because you're a listener of this podcast, not only do you get a free case of eight beers and an award-winning beer magazine for free just by going to beer52.com slash weird all you do pay the postage and packaging eight free beers free beer magazine and a little tasty snack as well and also it helps us out you support our sponsors they support us this thing can keep going we can keep the have a weird gravy train on the fucking track so go to beer52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some bevvies. Fern Norton. You know, last night,

I was in bed after I got home and, well, this morning, more like really, I was just laying there. I love it when he gets really into the details of his story. Go on.

I was just laying there and I was like, I wonder what an albino Stevie Wonder wonder would look like and then hi how's it going you really do look like some pretty bad allegations have come out in the paper today and like fucking hell hell, you're not going to go on TikTok for a little bit? I just like to come out and say that some women are liars. Don't fucking keep that in.

That's gone. You don't have this anywhere. Oh, no. Nothing is coming off this. Listen, right. Okay. Spoiler alert. This is a comedy podcast.

I don't want, I mean mean imagine if someone's got an hour and a half into this podcast going but what are they trying to do well you fucking think so wouldn't you but of all the shit that you guys have done on this podcast of all the things that you've said of all the things that you've done the only fucker that's been cancelled from this podcast is my fucking career in it yeah but the mistake you made there was that you wrote a book and i didn't yeah i can't lose a publishing deal if i haven't got one are we allowed to talk about it yeah fuck it let's talk about it i know she listens so hi she doesn't listen to all of it she listens to 60 seconds of a three and a half hour i'm still

pissed off about it job really in it you know what She listens to 60 seconds of a three and a half hour. I'm still pissed off about it. Probably a good job, really, innit? You know what? Probably is. Freddie wrote a book and got a literary agent, and then... When we're talking, like, a literary agent, this particular literary agency is good. Like, it's not like fucking, you know... Who's a penguin?

Fucking a rush of books. Do you know what I mean? It's like proper... A rush of books. Fucking... It's a proper literary agent after a couple of uh after a couple of weeks like you know i sent the full thing you know she gets in touch with me after a couple of weeks and she's like yeah i've uh found some stuff

online that i'm not comfortable with it's time to have a word. But the thing is as well is with, with the way that my career has gone over the last 10 years, when people say I've found some stuff about you online, it could genuinely be one of about 50 things. And so I always have to keep my cards close to my chest and be like, Oh really? Well, why don't you tell me what you think?

You go first. You go first. I was just in a chat room i was in a chat room she said she was 16 because there's some stuff that's let's be fair there's some stuff that's that i've done in the past that's more defendable than others so um there's some stuff that i've done in the past that's more defendable than others. So yeah, she said basically, she said, I saw a video of you doing an interview online where you talk... So that's her first mistake. She calls this, she doesn't call it a comedy podcast where it's, I mean, I imagine it's fucking listed

as comedy in iTunes. No, it's deep hit, deep deep hit deep you know truth truther podcast interviews that's one of the deep truth i don't know why i was on the truth two hungover guys and they're both looking at me going what the fuck you want about me do you know what it was is you started with the word deep and you knew that wasn't the right word and you fucking crawled you crawled i'm recovering from a cold. I'm full of cold and flu. These two are hungover.

This fucking whole podcast is rattling towards, like, God knows where we're going. Mate. You trying to absolve yourself. So, anywho, right? She said, I saw you on an interview where you talk about manipulating women. And, you know, that's not acceptable.

And she questioned. So, there's a character in the book who is based on a real character of of somebody that i taught at school who was a victim of revenge porn um and she went as far as to question the validity of how sincere i could be to somebody that i was teaching because i've got a slightly coarser sense of humour. So I'm apparently incapable of human empathy. But did she not see it as a joke at all? Did she see it as an... No, she completely...

Because what fucking interview is that where you're like, yeah, we... Have you been on that misogynist podcast where they sit down and talk about how they take advantage of women? Do you know what you should probably do? And again, I'm not telling you how to run your podcast, but just to make sure

that it's definitely a comedy podcast, maybe should get shit loads of comedy albums and stick them on the fucking wall but oh you have oh okay shit maybe you should both be comedians enlisted as comedians oh you are uh maybe you should tell jokes constantly and laugh and think i mean i don't know what it is so funny though isn't it that like she's a powerful person in a big industry and she's incapable

of going he's just joking and also right what's wrong with manipulating women is that the hill you're going to die on like

you know don't hurt them don You know, don't hurt them. Don't kill them. Don't do any of that. But tricking them into fancying you. What's wrong with that? That's all you said. Is that a problem? Looks like you don't want that book deal, eh?

Dance distancing. What do you know what it is? I manipulate people on a daily basis. We manipulate people for a living. We manipulate them into laughing with lies. What a great way of dealing with gaslighting and the Me Too movement there. What's wrong with it?

We all fucking do it. Thank you, white man. But here's the thing. Thanks for clearing up that whole problem. I'm not saying that. Come on, girls. You shouldn't torture anyone or physically assault them. You're not saying that?

I'm just saying, you know, getting inside someone's head, you know, it's all fair in love and war. Do you know what it is? Jesus Christ. I went as far as to say, like, to break down how the joke worked because she didn't believe it was a joke she thought uh i don't think this is a joke i think that this is you you being sincere and i was like you are fucking insane so the bit is we were all howling yeah if you haven't seen it the bit is you ask me what i think i am out of 10 i I say three and a half. People go, oh, in fact, I think you literally go, oh, you play some sad music.

Everyone feels sorry for me. And then I say, but what I do to make up for that is that I'm quite good at manipulating women. And the idea is you felt sorry for me. And then I said something horrible. And now you don't feel sorry for me. And that juxtaposition makes a lot. And I literally explained it to her. She was like nope this uh direct quote she said um it is a microaggression that uh contributes to a culture

where um you know women are unsafe and stuff like that and it's like really are you not bleeding this dry but she said her exact thing was she you're going to, you might have trouble getting this published because of what's online about you. My response was Hitler's got a book. Yeah. Really good measured response there. He's got a fucking publisher. But it's true. Jimmy Savile's got a book.

Katie Hopkins has probably got a book. They're not trying to get them published right now though are they That's the thing with Mein Kampf A guy called Adolf's not going round To like publishing houses and going I don't know what is wrong I haven't even done a deep interview I do not know why Goldstein and Goldstein

Don't want to publish my book Maybe I should have chosen A different publisher And why am is so calm Hey I'm Adolf Did Hitler write Mein Kampf? Yes it's called

Mein Kampf is Mein fucking story Oh When did he write that? After the war It was in response to one It was like well I'll fucking do one yeah yeah it was like

early rap battling yeah she wrote her memoir and it's like Naya bitch I take it on this is my side of the story

it was very much but I do it to a techno beat it was very much the Eamon and Frankie of the 1920s wasn't it when did he write

Mein Kampf in the late 20s I reckon late 20s would be about when did he write Mein Kampf in the late 20s I reckon late 20s would be about right so he wrote it before he was Hitler yes

he was also a postcard artist wasn't he he did loads of stuff before he started being a genocidal maniac he was a painter

and a vegan and a vegan yeah a vegan or a veggie vegan I believe is it possible. And a vegan. And a vegan. Yeah. A vegan or a veggie? Vegan, I believe. Is it possible to be a vegan 100 years ago? I think they had plants back then, yeah.

I know, but I'm saying... I don't think they had a fucking vegan island in the Asda, though, did they? No, they didn't. It was called Das Asda. Dasda. Dasda. Where is the Dazda? But even like, even 30 years ago,

being a vegan was next to fucking, being a vegetarian was next to fucking impossible. Yeah. I wonder why he was a vegan. That's why he was a human. Do you know what I mean? I wonder why. Like,

real thing about animals. But that's, that's what I mean. Like, can you imagine, like being like, I don't know how you can eat the bacon because the things that the pigs go through is very very bad can i touch

weirdest hitler ever ever like that got so jose marino in the middle of it that's very very bad if i speak If I speak it, once someone think of the sheep on the cows on the piggies. Unless they are Jewish cows. I would love it if Hitler would have to go on TV and talk about how Belgium parked the bus. Do you know what I mean? Such a fucking great.

Honestly, if Hitler actually spoke like how you're making him speak in that camp voice, it'd have ruined it for me I know that's weird, but just imagine Ruin it for you Ruin it for you, Freddie He really enjoys Hitler But it's because he's strong I love watching the rallies

on YouTube, you know, but it would ruin it for me if I thought he was gay. I mean, then you'd be like, oh, I'm not enjoying this character from history. No, but it's like the first time you heard Mike Tyson speak. Disappointed. Yeah, like I was expecting Mike Tyson to be like, really deep, yo.

And then he talks like this. I'm a fuck you, a motherfucker. But he was like, yeah, I just think I'm going to come out. He spoke like Michael Jackson. Yeah, But he was like, yeah, I just think I'm going to come out. He spoke like Michael Jackson. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and sort of part, yeah,

it was sort of part of the, not appeal, but like the fascination, wasn't it? That he spoke in a really like, weirdly childlike way. Oh yeah. But was the most dangerous man.

I'm going to punch your head in some money. I'm going to get in there and pop up out. Yeah. If he rung you up and started giving you shit, you'd be like, fuck off. Who the fuck are you? I'd fight him anyway. Yeah, just six weeks.

Six weeks of training. I am the best. I am the best. Everybody loves me. I am the best. I'm getting that on the soundboard. Ali Tyson would turn. You wouldn't exist anymore.

Dream. If he hit you once, your existence would cease. Boxer's about not getting it, isn't he? Yeah. He'd be shit at that as well. This guy's so elusive. He gets out of breath and nearly has an aneurysm doing an impression of a Texan.

I can't hit him. Have you seen he's got a podcast? It's boss. I've Texan. I can't hit him. Have you seen he's got a podcast? It's boss. I've watched it. I watched the Eminem one yesterday. Do you not think though

that like was it called the hot box or something? Hot boxing. Do you not think though if like someone like me like front of Mike Tyson he'd be a bit worried

because he'd be like he must know something I don't. You know because he'd be like why is he challenging me don't you know because he'd be like why is he challenging me you think he'd get so in his own head

like yeah I mean everything about this guy I should be able to knock him out but he's so confident confident

I think he's kind of I don't want to fight him I'm just going to go home fuck you Adam Rowe you play mind games that's your tactic fighting Mike Tyson just be like

I'm going to go so confident it's going to upset him yeah good luck with that Adam Freddie are you available to co-host a podcast

have you watched Hotbox and then yeah I've watched little snippets of it I was drawn to it by Bill Burr like that's the amazing thing like

if you are massive and you come into youtube and and podcasting you're still it's still weirdly it's weird to say this because there's 30 million on youtube channels but you're still a big fish in a small pond so you are drawn to it yeah um yeah bill burr and mike tyson doing a. You can't go, nah, I'm not interested. He does talk a lot of nonsense, though. Yeah, he's not good at it, is he? Yeah. Do you reckon that Have A Word is now at the point where you are popular enough that you could introduce a word

into, like, the vernacular? Do you know how these big, big podcasts or whatever, you said he talked about hotboxing and you got into it. If you guys talked about a random sport or introduced a random word, do you reckon you'd be popular enough that everyone would jump on it? 30,000 to 40,000 listeners we've got.

We've been doing it since the start, mate. When we started throwing lid around early doors, within a couple of months, everyone was using it. We've definitely influenced the vernacular of our uh followers a hundred percent yeah yeah but like maybe not yeah maybe not to the extent of like your mom's house where i watch your mom's house if you miss a month's episodes they use the the sort of vernacular of the clips that they use so much that you're like, what's that from? But yeah, I think it just gets in your head, doesn't it?

Like he started saying, come on, bro. Come on, bro. And then it gets in my head. And then I've seen it online a couple of times. And then one person was like, oh, Dan's trying to do his fucking catchphrase. And I wasn't. It happens naturally.

We don't sit and go, what words should we get in the podcast to make of it like the Laura's gone thing because he's so many times he's gone right so in this situation

like Laura's gone and it's become like a weird little catchphrase if you didn't listen to this podcast and you said to someone Laura's gone

they'd be like I don't even know what you're talking about anyone who listens to this podcast properly if you go Laura's gone in their head

they're like yeah that'd be a great little catchphrase to introduce into the world like any time that like you you know how people say the game's gone yeah oh fucking laura's gone here do you know what i mean laura's gone for like if i want to like put dan in a situation where he's single yeah then i'd do a really long drawn out reason for Laura leaving. Yeah, because basically, would you fuck a 70-year-old woman? Really needs that preface

because it's a serious conversation. And without Adam giving me a hypothetical like hall pass, he's like, obviously, he wouldn't fuck a 70-year-old woman because you're married. But say Laura's gone. But yeah, it does. It does sort of get in the people. say laura's gone but yeah it does that so it does sort of get in the people i don't know yeah it does people get into it don't they it's a very

personal thing podcast it because you're listening to it you're not just watching it in tv passively oh you're actually going into it podcast fans are proper fans they're like the fucking obsessive fans listening to you four hours a week if you're a fan of a stand up comedian you might get an hour of entertainment out of them in a year yeah if you're a podcast fan

you get four hours a week have you seen the people who get tattoos of podcasts and stuff like that one of my listeners got a tattoo nuts

if you listen to this fucking mental person mental mental what pods are you into Freddie are you into any can you listen to

comedy podcasts are you not no i can't listen so i don't listen to this um uh and i don't listen to anything like so the problem is is it's not that i wouldn't enjoy this i probably i do you know what i'd probably really enjoy have a word if i didn't know you all yeah the thing is because i know you all and because i know a lot of the guests that you get on it feels like i'm listening to a conversation that i want to take part in do you know what i mean and so it's a little bit like it's it's a bit weird do you know what i mean um i know exactly what you mean i much prefer american comedy podcast the british comedy podcast and then there's the occasional one that uh carl donnelly and chris martin did babysitting trevor which was i think one of the best ideas for a podcast ever they got trevor crook trevor cook or trevor crook

trevor crook who's like an old weird one-liner comedian who's just such a unusual strange character and then they just sort of did a podcast with him but they were like this week we're going to go and do this thing and Trevor told them about it and it was so I love Carl Donnelly Chris Martin sound and Trevor's such an interesting character that it was one of the few UK podcasts that I've loved but I know exactly what you mean you're like mate this is like being in a dressing room when someone's told me to shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. But I was there, ah. It's that exact thing. I listened to Off the Menu that I didn't think I'd enjoy, but I actually think it's really, really good.

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Yeah, and the one that I think... I think they're up to about 1,000 downloads an episode, so good luck to them. I think they're going to do all right, those guys. Yeah. And once you break 1,000 downloads an episode, I think good luck to them. Good luck, guys. Big things for that James Ac luck to them I think they're going to do alright those guys and once you break a thousand downloads

an episode I think good luck to them good luck guys big things for that James Acaster fella I think he's going to go places talented young lad if you want to get into that

the best episode to listen to I think as like an entry point is the one with Romesh really fucking funny he's fucking gold dust

Romesh isn't he have you heard about when they had Anthony Jeselnik on and they're like he had Anthony Jesselnik on? And, like, he's just Jesselnik, and it just didn't fit with James Acas. Like, he was just sort of... The way Jesselnik is on stage of, like,

I'm dead handsome and I'm really funny and I'm the best. He did that with poor old James, so all of their fans now hate Anthony Jesselnik. Yeah, it's a very bad, it's a difficult style to pull off. Like Lloyd Griffith, when he came on ours, he did the shtick of like, yeah, you know, like it's a weird thing to pull off

when you're sort of doing that shtick of like, it doesn't sit well. And the very antithesis of Jesselnik is Acaster, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Like. Yeah, I listened to, so that's the only one that I listened to that's really a comedy one. antithesis of Jesselnik is Acaster, isn't it? Yeah. So that's the only one that I listen to that's really a comedy one. And then I listen to really

boring, weird shit. So I listen to... I don't listen to you! I couldn't possibly listen to you, Cums! But I love boring, weird shit. I just prefer it!

I like 99% Invisible which is a podcast about design and architecture stop looking at me like that be still my

throbbing dick Freddie oh god you're getting me all so happy I like Freakonomics yeah I've heard Freakonomics is amazing

what's that it's like an economist podcast with Stephen Dubner and... What's his fucking name? You like to learn stuff then. Joseph Levitt. You like to learn stuff.

From Batman? Yes, Joseph Gordon Levitt. Yeah. From Batman. Robin. From Third Rock from the Sun, yeah. And Stephen Dubner present an Economist podcast. He's a very busy bloke, you know.

But he actually started recording it before he became Joseph Gordon-Levitt. In his early days. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Yeah? Mate, if you do, just go, Laura's gone. Adam's gone. Laura's gone. Just do it within like two minutes 20

so we can get it on Twitter. Can you clip down at Adam's heart attack, please? He really milked it up. Do you know when your head's just hot? When you get to that point of an angle where your face is hot. Because you got fucking steaming last night before a podcast record.

And you booked a guy who was fucking drinking with you. Hey, do you know what? Do you know what's really funny? So yesterday, yesterday we was at the pub, right? We was outside, right? And this woman comes over drinking with you hey hey do you know what do you know what's really funny so yesterday yesterday we was uh uh was at the pub right we was outside right and this woman comes over who is uh she's been serving us drinks all afternoon and there's five of us on the table right and she goes um

i've heard i've heard one of you is a uh famous comedian right now we all know that like on the table there's me there's paul blur there is paul blur's mate gary there's ro and there's paul smith now if you want to guess um who they're talking about it's pretty obvious which one it's going to be isn't it i could leave table those gary's not looking good on the chances. I mean, Blair's done some great stuff. You've got a decent TikTok. Adam's flying. But Paul is, objectively speaking, nailing it.

Let's be fair. Gary's on my table, and even I don't know who the fucker is. So it's not going to be him. So Blair actually says, Blair Chips chips and he says oh well actually we've got three comedians on this table and then someone else chips in and goes oh yeah adam rowe and paul smith after he'd been told there was three yeah that's it that's that's how that's how unfamous i am is that he heard three and thought, you must be mistaken.

Yeah, but there's millions of Chinese children with Freddie Quinn posters on the wall. Yeah, they fucking made them. Oh dear. Get me out and glasses back on. I love that you didn't know when Mein Kampf was written. You just heard about it and you were like,

when did he write that? I knew it was something to do with Hitler. Yeah. Right? But in my head, I was like,

he can't have wrote it because surely it ends quite abruptly. No, it's not. Yeah, it's not his. It's not his autobiography. You're thinking about Frank's diary.

That's what you're thinking of. That's the thing that ends abruptly. So it's called My Story. But it was more of, wasn't it more, not a manifesto? Yes, so it was like a political call to arms, as it were. So he did quite a lot of stuff in the early days, like he did the Beer Hall Putsch in the early days like he did the beer hall putsch in the

early days where they literally got pissed and tried to overthrow the government and it lasted about to the right star easy Adolf we've all had a few it's not mind camp so far he's not like writing it as he fucking goes

so you say he's not writing it as he goes so so it was all done before he became the leader of germany like germany's prime minister well well well if anything it was used as a political sort of um thing in order to enhance his his political career it was it was used as propaganda, essentially. I see. So it's not like a novel. No, it's not a novel. It's more of a... Not a novel.

You know what to buy some men next. Most of them ended abruptly. Because as you know, it's a novel. And he died. Like fucking Harry Potter. Adam Fiddler and the Perfect World. I'm a racist racist fascist can't be thrown where he's right background you know a lot about hitler it's very very i was gonna say i can stick with a man that if anyone's deserved it you know it's him in it he's earned it really do you lend any ideas to the conspiracy that he didn't die

and he just fucked off to Argentina? There were Nazis in Argentina, weren't there? But there was literally no proof that Hitler was alive. He died in a bunker, didn't he? With his missus fucking Ava Braun or whatever. They died in a bunker. How, if he didn't die, how is he getting out of that bunker, going to the fucking travel agents booking a flight to argentina travel agents he's the he's the he's the ruler of the third reich

absolutely war-torn berlin and he's like uh come on ever we're going to thompson's the russians are coming's the Russians are coming the Americans are coming is it all inclusive we'd like to go to Buenos Aires do you remember

when travel agents were a thing what a fucking ball ache that was they'd just book it for you yeah

they'd sit there tap like that and then they'd talk it's lovely where you're going it's lovely and you'd have to go, yeah,

that's why we're going, isn't it? Because we've heard it's lovely. And it happened, it took an hour, hour and a half. And old people still do it because they don't trust computers.

No, they don't. They still want to go and talk to a person called Debbie and go, we booked our holiday with Debbie,

just like Hitler and Ava did all those years ago. That was a huge left turn to do the, what is a, what are travel agents about guys? We were literally in the,

imagine Hitler trying to get to Argentina and Freddie was like, stop that guys. Aren't travel agents mad? We used one. We were going to Cuba and then the hurricane hit.

What was the hurricane? It was a hurricane hit and destroyed, it destroyed the airport we were going to a week before we were going to Cuba and then that hurricane hit what was the hurricane it was a hurricane hit and destroyed it destroyed the airport we were going to a week before we were going so we went to a travel agent and went we've got this much money

this is kind of the place you want to go and she went oh there's a lovely place here in Costa Rica and we went nice one

and I went outside and booked her in the car right like I'm not paying you to go on fucking thompson.com right so why didn't you just go on the internet in the first place?

Why did you even go in the travel agency? Because we wanted to recommend. Because he trusts Debbie more than he trusts Google. Yeah. He wanted to recommend something. She found the perfect place, went outside and booked it and didn't pay her. The thing is, if Hitler did get to Argentina, I just find it hard to believe that he'd just be happy to retire.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like him just being like, I'm just going to chill now. I feel like that. Yeah, it's not the kind of ideology you walk away from, is it? No. Do you know what I mean?

I think he'd be like, I'm going to start something else here. Yeah. There are villages in the Argentinian hills, aren't there, that have got like a suspicious amount of Germans. Really? Yeah, apparently.

There was a bit of a small sort of exodus. So what is? It's not just a random thing that people have gone, I think Hitler was in Argentina. Some Nazis ended up hidden in South America. So what is a suspicious amount of Germans for a village in Argentina? How many before it goes from coincidence to suspicious?

Because I'd say three. 1945, some shitty, absolutely impoverished little town, village in the hills of Argentina, miles from Cordoba or Buenos Aires, and then all of a sudden like, hello, we would like a four bedroom house. Yeah.

One family is weird. In your head, there's Germans in Argentina speaking English. What I thought was, as I don't speak German and this is an English speaking podcast, I just keep doing that accent

that we keep doing. it would have been weirder, wouldn't it? That wasn't funny because you didn't speak German or Spanish. It would have been weirder wouldn't it That wasn't funny because you didn't speak German Or Spanish It would have been weirder if he just did perfect German I just assumed that we should all know

What he's talking about You could make an attempt though What do you mean Guten Tag My name is Fritz Why is everything you do Chinese? Hangover podcasts are always the same.

He's like... It's like his head just wants to go... You know, like, have you ever seen those videos of toddlers that get overtired and then they just headbutt the Cheerios it's like that he's like

why aren't I in chairman it's fucking weird fucking Cheerios everywhere so what are you going to do with this book

not Mein Kampf what if we publish it have a way of publishing get the fucking curtain up in room two. Johnny plans it. What? We need gimbals.

I mean, to be fair, have a word. We're going to Texas. Get the gimbals. Next time I go drinking with Blair, I'm fucking emigrating the next day, lads. Oh, God. We'll fucking publish the book. Fucking 20%.

I didn't understand any of that. I did. Fucking. Freddie, what's going on with this book, man? Are you actually not... I feel bad now that we are the reason you're not going to get a book made. That's why I said we'd publish it.

No, I... Who are you going to go to? What? To get the prints. Who are you going to go to to get the print who are you going to what's your plan on site alright okay

cool right where are you going to sell it on our merch you're going for to have a word hoodie

or freddy's book 20% off for £10 patrons the book is only on our patron. It's Adam reading it, trying not to get bored. I used to be a teacher.

Do you know what? I'll pay you to do the fucking, I'd pay Ro hungover Ro to do the whole fucking audiobook. Hungover Adam doing the audiobook for fucking Adam. You know like Harry Potter doing the audio book for fucking you know like Harry Potter is a long book

if Adam had hung over Adam and done the audio book it would be about four days and like oh fucking this wizard non-still.

No he just cut to the end wouldn't he? He just like missed like seven pages at a time. Did he kill them? In the end. He's dead.

Probably alright. How Harry Potter finishes? Harry Potter's a Probably all right. How Harry Potter finishes? Harry Potter's a Tory. Is that how Harry Potter finishes? I've never... Did he kill Voldemort, yeah? Spoiler alert. No, he's absolutely fine.

He's old. I got to Goblet of Fire, and then I just... I grew up. Oh, yeah. I remember reading Order of the Phoenix going, I'm too old for this motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but you're old, aren't you? Harry Potter, when he went to Hogwarts, was our age when the book came out, so we were literally the same age. We grew up. Yeah, but you're older than us. Harry Potter, when he went to Hogwarts, was our age when the book came out. So we were literally the same age. Yeah, you grew up on it. And that's why the books got a bit more, they got darker and more serious. You weren't meant to be an 11-year-old

that read all of the books at once. It does get a little bit more... It gets darker on the third one. Even the second one, actually. But yeah, there's that creepy thing in the film where they're all old and you're like... At the end of the second one actually but yeah there's that creepy thing in the film where they're all old and you're like at the end of the last one i mean paula radcliffe can't fucking i know daniel radcliffe can't act anyway oh my god so i've not seen the film so when you said

paula radcliffe i assume that's who they cast for Hermione. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, that's insane. The runner. It's fucking, yeah. Harry Potter and the pavement tweet. I'm fucking like, the thing is with Harry Potter is I just got so quickly bored of it and I never was asked about how it finished. And I've never watched any of the films.

So Voldemort, basically, you know the bad guy? He comes back alive. This is why I want you to read the fucking basically what happens is right before it even starts oh my god yeah right voldemort split himself his soul into seven pieces yeah right you need to get them all together sort of thing for him to come back so someone does that voldemort's back, and he's like fucking smashing it. I'm going to be the boss again. Right? And then Addy Posh... That's Voldemort's first words.

I'm fucking smashing it. This is why a scouse 30-year-old bloke didn't write Harry Potter. Basically, right, as a kid, it's fucking fanny meat. Have a bit of magic, and he's got his fucking little

Tory fucking magic friends. He goes to a boarding school full of a load of noncy Tory magic fuckers. And in the end, that's bullshit. It's like, Uncle Steve, Uncle Steve, read us a bedtime story. I'll fucking skip to the end. Comes back alive. Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione are like, fuck this.

It's going to be shit if he's in charge so they concoct a little plan and they do a little fucking whoosh and they kill him that's all of the books in two lines they do a little whoosh

essentially yeah their power things lock in the middle and it's like oh who's gonna win but then what about Jaws what's that

what's the do the Adam row hungover Adam explains Jaws fucking go on go on what's Jaws about

it's a fucking shark and he's massive And he can fuck off Biggest shark you've ever seen Starts biting boats and that Yeah So I think they stab it

Jaws Jaws I think they stab it What about Shawshank So this fella He gets He gets put in prison with Morgan Freeman. Yeah.

Nice. That's actually in the book. There was a guy that he went to prison with Morgan Freeman. No, it doesn't have a character name. Stephen King was really specific about who he wanted in the fucking film. So he wrote Morgan Freeman About what about Hamilton? Hamilton. Oh! Jesus! So this fella.

No, I'm joking. Born in the Caribbean. Oh, no. That's the whole. No, don't do it. Born in the Caribbean. Don't. Goes to New York on a boat.

Look at his eyes. He's awake now. All the locals chip in and give him a boat ticket. Hamilton! He gets to New York and he's like, I reckon we should fuck Britain off and he's like one of the quite long this

compared to the others oh god well he yeah they have the civil war Jaws Jaws was big shark

biting everything think he stabbed him Shawshank guy goes to prison Morgan Freeman gots a spoon fucks off what about

what about Hamilton let me sing it for you I am Alexander Hamilton la la la you i'm a boring cunt i love john adams oh fucking hell all right let's have a little break i can't laugh anymore let's have a little break what's happening guys oh look at your outfit. Shocking.

You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking T-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaypod.com. You want some official Haveaway merch? Go to haveawaypod.com and get some, then, instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible.

You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad. Go and get it. Have you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad. Go and get it. Hathawaypod.com. Ah, yeah. We're back.

Once the camera's on, Rowe's ready. There you go. Should we do some other words? Straight in. We've got loads. Too some other words? Straight in. We've got loads. Too many. Stop emailing in.

Definitely don't stop emailing in. If you've got some other words, have a word pod at gmail.com. If you've got questions for the lids, have a word pod at gmail.com. He is such a bell sniff. Why do you need us? You just send everything in.

Everything. Why would you want my opinion? Look at me. That is a good point. Ayalit, can you please have a word with my mate Emma? She's obsessed with the pod, and ever since the lock-in, she has been quoting Ishan's,

eh-eh. We went out for the first time this weekend, and she kept randomly shouting it. We were in a queue at Crazy Pedro's and she shouted, and the bouncer next to her was a black man who thankfully found it funny. After that, she continued to randomly shout the whole day. And while it was amusing, I don't particularly want to get my head smashed in because my mate is being casually racist.

Love the pod. P.S. This will be the second time you've had to have a word with Emma. She's the Tory who puts slices of lemon in turbo chandies. Cha! Thanks. So she's been doing... Serial offender as well. The catchphrases. She's been doing...

I think whoever wrote this in needs to have a word with herself. Just, you know, she likes her podcast. She's got a catchphrase from it if people get upset by that that's their problem fuck you no that's not how uh that's not how that totally works is it right ah you know she likes it she likes it it's an impression of a nigerian it's not she can do an impression of a bangadeshi Pakistani doing a Nigerian. Bulletproof. Your get out because Eshan is Bangladeshi Pakistani is like,

it's all encompassing, isn't it? You can do whatever as long as Eshan says your sound. And that will stand up in a court of law and for this girl Emma. Excuse me, I find that really offensive. Adam Rowe says that Eshan says it's fine. So, I'm not sure really what the problem is here. Is this person suggesting that this Emma is going around going, eh, eh, and she is worried that people will go, that sound seems racist to me.

Yeah, she is. Really? Yeah. Because I wouldn't, if I was... She's overthinking it, isn't she, Freddie? I mean, I would think Tourette's over anything else. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you were in Crazy Pedro's

and you heard a girl going, like that every few minutes, you'd think... Mate, you really know your racial sounds. If you are a random person who's getting some scranin crazy pedros and you and you go that white woman is doing a nigerian bus that's yeah really good point of all the like casually racist things that go on i think two syllables that could honestly be just a weird car horn. Yeah. Eh!

I mean, I think as far as disguising racism goes, you're doing a great job. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's nobody that's picking it up unless you're a member of the podcast. On the subject of Tourette's and racism. Well, this is going to be good. Finally, Adam gets an in for this.

Right. No, think about it. Right. Racism is a hate crime you can't just go around screaming the n-word in the faces of people who are upset by that word but if you've got Tourette's you can't help it so are they still committing a crime or do they get a little little blue badge to go the empaths racist Tou impasse. Racist Tourette's. You know what I mean? How would that sound? How would it sound?

So let's say, like... Let's say it was like... I'm joking, I'm joking. Let's say it was like a Polish person. Just a bit safer, innit? Very well defended. So they might be like, Polish twat!

Polish fuck! Fuck off, Pole! Pole! Polish cunt! Polish cunt! so they might be like Polish twat Polish fuck fuck off pole yeah Polish cunt Polish cunt the lesser of the P-bombs yeah

yeah yeah yeah pole cunt Polish pole cunt babe cunt right okay

Poland why are they in such close proximity to this Polish person for this long might not be oh because that's how

racist threats work it's not always in and around the person because that just looks like racism doesn't it like yes polish but if it was the n word but if it was the n word isn't the whole thing around Tourette's is that it's

kind of like a misfiring with your brain in that your brain forces you to say the most inappropriate things yeah ever so the fact that you're saying them you recognize that they are inappropriate and so therefore sometimes yeah but sometimes it's just like whistling on that but it is dangerous isn't it because it it's the brain ticking he's so fucked so it's the brain it's the brain ticking. He's so fucked him, you know. So it's the brain going, worst thing I can possibly say. He's still pissed, isn't he? Honestly.

Last week he went, can we move the podcast record to Friday because we're all going out Thursday. I literally went, all right, yeah, yeah, let's see how that goes. It's the worst thing you can say. Not always, but is that part of it? Yeah. So like, if you've got Tourette's and your Nana's there, you're like, don't say cum flaps.

Cum flaps! Yeah, there's no filter, is there? Yeah, so if you go to a hip hop night and you've got Tourette's, dangerous, dangerous game. Is that what I'm saying? Yeah, so have you never had that thing where like your brain... Don't go to a DMX concert with, well, anyone because he's dead. But don't go to a dmx concert with well anyone because he's dead but don't go fucking rubbish wouldn't it don't go

like a medical thing jack and if they took you to court for being racist and you were like no it's a medical thing do you reckon they all get away with it i reckon you'd have to that's essentially what i was asking a doctor so you'd have to but you've had the thing haven't you you know when you your brain has like inappropriate thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts so like for example when i see like a baby i always think punch it like always do you not think what if i punched it? No, no, no. You actually think punch it. All right. Throw coffee in its face. Especially if it's... Throw coffee into it. I love that. Swirl it.

Throw coffee in its face. See what happens. It's the worst possible thing you could do in that circumstance. Totally. So when I see a pregnant woman as well, in my head, I think, punch. Like, and I can't help it. I never do it.

I just think it in my head. The first thing you think when you see a pregnant person is... You don't do it, do you? Punch. You better hope that fucking woman doesn't help it. I never do it. I just think it in my head. The first thing you think when you see a pregnant person is... You don't do it, do you? You better know if that fucking woman doesn't see that five seconds of content. So you're like manipulating women and punching pregnant ladies?

No, but I mean specifically... Welcome to Penguin. Specifically in the... What about when you see a blind person? What do you think? If you see a blind person. I do you think? If you see a blind person. I always wonder where they're going. Yeah.

We've always said that. Do you know what I mean? Where are they going? Where is he going? And how does he know if he's going there? Yeah. His dog can't tell him. This is 100% genuine question, right?

You know when they got the dog, right? Did they tell the dog they go the butchers and the dog's like go ahead i know i love the butchers get sausages are you saying that they use their dog like a fucking sat nav or do they ever just go surprise me That's like putting your guide dog on shuffle. Let's see where we end up. Oh, fucking hell. No, but when they leave the house with the dog

and they go in the post office. Yeah. What's their move? So the routes, the route, are the routes the routes the dog knows, the person knows them? It's not like, ah, which post office should I go to? No, but what he's asking is,

so you're saying like the dog knows the route, but does the dog just know one route? How does it know it's going to post office? Exactly. He gets a stamp and he gives it the scent. No, but what you're saying is the dog gets taught one route and then they just do the thing. So you're telling me that if this fella

just wants to go to Butcher's, he has to go to the post office and the library as well. He has to stop everywhere. All right, Malcolm, what are you here for? The Butcher's is next stop. Like a bus. The dog's doing the room I don't know how it works

I assume He goes It's happening on Fido lad We need Lamb chops Some newspapers A cake So

You know where we're going The Asda Butchers News agents And a cake shop Like it Or just Asda Right

Or Asda Because it's not 1940 anymore Yeah yeah What does he do it. Or just Asda. Right. Or Asda. But it's not 1940 anymore. Yeah, yeah. What does he do when he gets to Asda? No, but the blind people... Even the dog can't remember all the aisles.

They change them every week anyway. Never see a guide dog in Asda. You never do? I've never seen a guide dog in a supermarket. They don't like them. Maybe they do support

small businesses, blind people. Or maybe the routes have been set years ago and they've not adapted to Super Bowl. Why does a guide dog not go to Sainsbury's? Honestly, they've been taught a route and they just fucking stick to it. I mean, I'd imagine that if you were blind,

online shopping is a godsend. Do you know what I mean? Like they'll turn up and, you know, you don't need to go, do you? That's true. Right. Go on, Dan. Go, go, go, go, don't need to go, do you? That's true. Right. Go on, Dan. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

Go on. Go on. Do it. Yeah. I don't know what they're getting online. Do they have to just order it through Alexa? No, there's text. Yeah, there is.

You're right. There's, like, extensions and stuff where it will read out all the text on the... I always think with blind blind people as well you know like they've got dressed in that right like you'd think more often you'd see them wearing stuff that doesn't go odd shoes odd shoes with like a green hat with like a blue top you'd be like that is such a faux pas that you mean like top green hat don't fucking do that yeah yeah like the home the home kit top but the away kit shorts

nightmare right you just think like they'd make more mistakes they do quite well really when you think about it celipets bikini top

I'm sweating here I bet we've got quite I think apparently like obvious it's spoken word but there's a lot of blind people listening to podcasts. So, you know.

Email in. Not too many deaf. No. No. They just watch it. Freddie, really pleased with himself. Not too many deaf. Fuck them.

No. Oh, God. It is a good point, what you're saying. I think that most people aren't flat out blind, are they? Most people just have, like, limited vision. Small B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'll be able to just, like, see, like, the post.

You can see the M from my piece. Literally the, yeah, yeah there yeah yeah totally so so i reckon it's just about helping them get there and they can you know once they're right in front of it then they can no but what if you're properly blind then you've got a dog yeah if you're properly blind though do you do they just give you a dog i think think they give you two. Two Chathams. They give you two and like a chariot. It's like you riding on a chariot. That's a dance move, isn't it?

All the kids on the estate think you're Father Christmas. Dancer! Prancer! Where you going? Post office!

Butchers! Cake shop! Mike Tyson shop Mike Tyson Mike Tyson's back Oh shit It is a good question No Where's he going

And I didn't know They're there I think the Size of the dog Right we're going That I mean That can't happen We're going

To be nannies today Alright They lift the dog's ear up And just whisper like You know Lift the dog's ear up and just whisper like, you know. Lift the dog's ear up? Why are you making, that sounds so rapey.

Lift the dog's ear up. The dog's like, fucking butchers. Shh, don't tell anyone. That guy should not be allowed a dog. I don't give a fuck if he's blind. Come here. Take me. Shut up fuck if he's blind. Come here. Take me. Shut up.

Don't tell anyone. Awful. Oh, dearie me. Do you know what? It's weird because I've never thought about it up until now. Happens a lot on this podcast. You've got a fair fucking point. Yeah. Where are they going?

Where are they going? And how does the dog know what journey? Because there is only two options either. The dog knows where everything is, where he can go, right. JJB. Right. 20 years ago.

JJB. JJB. Good time travelling, dog. Right. To Woolworths. Open the air. Open the air. I want to go back to 1989.

Blockbuster next come on let's go to quicksave imagine if you had a dog that only knew how to take you

to places that are closed oh the old blind guy I've come to the butchers what you on about mate

this is a phone shop can I have some coffee did can I have a galaxy s20 oh god

email in if you know yeah please do and I know we're taking the piss a little bit but genuinely we'd like to know

if you could google it right now don't google it you're on it never google things it's funnier when

we don't know okay yeah okay oh do know what they know the beeping for the traffic lights that's good i know i know that was for blind people they're not for the dogs as well yeah and deaf people there's a little rotating nodule underneath yes yes i always think though with that right yeah that's for what deaf people yeah right what if two deaf people turn up at once hang on why the deaf people need something to cross the road i think it's blind death oh blind and deaf yeah

you're fucked any cars yeah do you know i remember we're from the same bit of preston yeah i remember when they went in at liverpool road near the water tower yes and for ages you're like oh i pressed the green man yeah it was man Yeah And it was like a little It was like a little Yeah Twisted We were told if you spun it The light changed quicker

Genuinely Impatient Deaf and blind people Got loads of places to be Twist this fucker Yeah Imagine being deaf Blind and mute

Like what's the point Of podcasting Of anything You know what I mean point of podcasting of anything you know what I mean Jesus Adam can't say anything hear anything or see anything

answers to haveawinthepod at gmail.com if you've not already ended it because life finds a way because life finds a way

because you get to feel the little nodules under like what you're doing crossing roads as well fucking Liverpool road how does someone tell you Because life finds a way. Because life finds a way. Because you get to feel the little nodules under, like what you're doing crossing roads as well. Fucking Liverpool Road. How does someone tell you that that's there? How do you know it exists?

Love talking about disability, me. Yeah, that's sweating me. Never feels tense as fuck, does it? I love it. What's the point I know Adam that's like that's literally like

ice skating on the thinnest ice ever and Adam goes shut up you fucking pussies watch me pirouette on that wet bit what's the fucking point

yeah we skated through nicely and Adam went nah fuck it nah jumped on the ice oh shout out anyone with

fucking any of who's surviving and just nailing it and still listening to our bullshit if you're genuinely deaf or blind and you shout out anyone who's deaf and blind double shout out if you're both oh mate shout out if you're deaf do you read the subtitle Andy yeah so they can read

the subtitle or feel it really really interesting conversation that guys and I'd like it

to stop we've got an email from who says alright boys love the podcast wondering if you could have a word with me. Basically for the last year,

I've been struggling to shag without the thought of getting the bird I'm with pregnant. This has made me get to the point of wanting to wear a Johnny when I know she's on birth control. If I don't do this, I end up convincing myself. There'll be a little man, a little me in nine months.

I'm 21 and genuinely couldn't think of anything worse than having a kid right now, but it's starting to get in the way of me fully enjoying myself in the bedroom. Any advice would be appreciated and would like to be kept anonymous. I'm sorry, Carl. I do it every time. Every time I say the name and then I go,

oh yeah, I'm anonymous. Just bleep it Cheers mate Just put it in an ass Also Have yous ever had any Pregnancy scare That made you shit yourself

I was about to say the same thing Just Bum fun Just Bum Email now back Just Bum fun

Is Is she Trying to get pregnant No She's on birth control So what So what is he? He's just a worrier. He's a worrier, Freddie.

Oh, God. Carmen and young people. He's 21. Is he skinning up? My ex-girlfriend was born. You'd hope so. As a result of sex between her mum and dad. Walk off. Honestly, I love it. What? sex between her mum and dad fuck off

honestly I love it what because of in the course she was on the pill and he wore a condom and she still swam through

life finds a way wow wow where did you get them johnnies yeah right I mean that every bloke in the room just went,

oh, Jesus. Could you not get an abortion? Is this not off the... I'm out. That's Freddie's advice. I'm backing out. What do you mean you're backing out? Freddie.

If you want an abortion, you go get an abortion. Yeah, yeah. Well, someone's pro-choice, aren't they? Yeah. Get me around, I'll think about it. Well, that was a callback, ladies and gentlemen. That's what we call a callback. I fell asleep for a bit there.

Oh, yeah. Imagine I listen to 60 seconds of your three-and-a-half-hour podcast. Have you not learned a lesson? What was the story you told at the start of this? Do you know what? Do you know what? I'll never learn my lesson. Don't do it. It's why you're one of our favourite guests.

Exactly. Don't learn any lessons. I like joking. Don't write a book. Come on in every three months instead. Exactly. I like joking about things that are rude and I want you all to know

if I'm ever at the point where I take it too far and I have to publicly apologise, I did not mean any of what I said of the apology I used to say that on stage didn't I at some point I'll have to apologise for these jokes oh yes you did and I'll be like I want you to know now

that I don't mean it I'll be on channel 4 South opposite of Piers Morgan I'm very sorry for the things I said about those people and they've got every right to be upset with me. Do you remember when Dapper Laughs went on Newsnight and apologised?

Think about that sentence. Dapper Laughs went on Newsnight to apologise. And Newsnight booked it. They were like, yeah, this will be good. Newsnight was like, do you want to come on national TV

and apologise for your shit jokes? And he was like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea there's no way i'm gonna get blindsided did you ever watch the video the thing is his set was littered with microaggressions that contribute to a society that makes it very uncomfortable for uh whoever blind people the blind and the deaf bothies and bothies that's what they're called mute would be the worst one of all of them you wouldn't

you wouldn't you'd be trying to force a word out that's like blind people walking around trying to fucking deaf people doing a Hulk Hogan Like blind people walking around trying to fucking... Do you know what I mean? Deaf people doing a Hulk Hogan. Mute people just going,

I'm just not trying hard enough. Oh, fucking hell. Why have we done this? Jesus Christ. This has been such trouble. What's his problem? He's a worrier. He's a worrier? He's a worrier.

And he's worried that, God forbid, and having just had a baby, I can see his point to a certain extent, but I was the stupid fucker that was like, ah, I'll be fine. I'll pull out in time. Me, me. Here's my magic trick.

Ah, pa, pa, pa. Yeah, pulling out's just not a thing, is it? You just can't. You've got pre-cum, though? What's a pre-cum? Oh, I think pre-cum's a bit of a fucking... Myth? Not a...

Now, not a myth, because then... No, because my nana, her best friend, she was actually born from a man and a woman, and pre-cum. It was the war. It was the war. And they only put it in a bit and then the bombs started dropping

like, you know, there were sirens. The pre-cum. And that was Hitler. She was Hitler. It was Hitler. Mein Kampf. My pre-cum.

Mein Kampf is actually my pre-cum in German. Little fact. Do a bit more, just do a bit more fucking foreplay, man. A bit more oral sex and shit. Can I just say about the pulling out? I think it's fine.

The pulling out is fine. I've heard lads say that. I've heard lads say that. I could never pull out. You're like, really though? Have you not that self-controlled to be like, it does ruin it. It would totally ruin it.

I've never had to, but it would totally ruin it for me you've never had to no just never had to pull out now either way to johnny or just come in them jesus come in them fucking in them no names no names just them just come in i either either wear a Johnny. We are going to jail. Press the button. It's the way that you said it as well. Those were the only options.

There's no other way for me to either wear a Johnny. Does that mean that whenever any woman that you've had sex with sees you not wearing a Johnny, then they know that you're just going to jizz in them? I mean, I haven't had that conversation with them. Listen, I know Johnny, so obviously. Just so you know. You haven't even prepped him. You haven't even given him a heads up.

Do you prepare the end of sex? What, sorry? Do you prepare? Yeah, I say, just so you know, I am going to cry at the end of sex you what sorry do you prepare yeah I say just so you know I am going to cry at the end hang on if you're in a relationship

you do have the like you know don't you yeah yeah yeah it's not all one night stand chat like you can be in a relationship

me and Laura weren't on the pill or using condoms for a long time ballsy yeah but I'm I don't know

there's also so what were you doing one the rhythm method no i just like i'm like and then i go and then sometimes i'll be like grab it grab it grab it come in them and grab it grab what no and then i like come out and then she goes give me the old you know polish it polish it off. Or hand shandy. Yeah. Oh, I was barking up the wrong tree with that. What did you think it was? I thought you meant grab your cum.

Catch it. Catch it. That's what I thought you were talking about trying to conceive. And you were going, grab it. And then you went, and that was her rubbing it back in. What kind of fucking hand-eye coordination would you have to be to be like, oh, yeah, are you about to cum? You about to cum? Yeah, I'm coming out. rubbing it back in. What kind of fucking hand-eye coordination would you have to be to be like, oh yeah, are you about to come?

You about to come? Yeah, I'm coming up. Grab it. Okay. Ta-da! Right, babe. So I'm trying for the baby. So instead of pulling out,

I'm going to shoot it at the dartboard. And if you could just catch it on its way. Yeah. And then... Listen, love. Jizz is a nightmare to get out of bed sheets. Could you catch it like a fucking weird jizz ninja?

It's like the karate kid with the fly, isn't it? Here we come. Cut! I don't know. I don't know. Oh, shit. It's sensible.

Are you done? No, I think we're done. Carl's like trying to end... I've never seen Carl be like... Carl just gave me the chop, chop it up. We're not going to bet a catching con, mate. And we're in dangerous choppy waters. Catch the con.

I reckon we should do one more. Should we do one more? Do one more. Do you want to do one more? I do. Hi, Dan. I am a deaf, blind and mute person. And I want to know.

How did I write this email? I can still type. So much of this is getting edited out. I wish it was but not on his. Unless someone goes keep me anonymous and they're like oh god I wouldn't want to overstep the mark with that.

I mean I don't mind ending my own career but Jesus Christ I wouldn't possibly want to say someone the mark with that i mean i don't mind ending my own career but jesus christ i wouldn't possibly want to say someone's name errantly um we haven't really got another uh i have a word you want to end on a question or are we are we just are we should we just call it is it a would you rather question it's um so somebody asked me just do it somebody asked me a would you rather question oh go on let's end on it no well it's not great this but the thing is do you ever get those would you rather questions and it's so obvious which one you'd rather do it's like why are you even fucking asking we've had them all just someone asked me

would you rather only eat garlic bread or never eat garlic bread again yeah they're really over eating garlic bread there aren't they mate what for breakfast do you know what i mean like yeah there are some really good would you rathers that you don't see a good would you rathers on the page like it's funny because we've used them since january last year there's ones that i've read and gone yeah that's a good one and adam's gone no mate don't want to eat garlic bread all the time. And then you're like, oh yeah, shit, that was rubbish.

I mean, here's like, my least favorite ones are the ones where they're like, I saw this in a WhatsApp group and would you rather do the first 90% of a blow job or the last 10%? My least favorite ones

are ones that just don't make any sense. You know, the ones like, would you rather have no teeth or be made of teeth? It's like, what are you talking about, be made of teeth? Made of teeth. What does that even... Made of teeth! I've gone made of teeth.

Would you rather be an old smackhead or be the made of teeth guy? Like, Django, Django. Go on, read us a would you rather do. A blues musician. Django, Django Django Go on read us a Roger Rather dude A blues musician Django Django Hey I'm old Teethy Dan

It really made me think of Mr Teeth Mr Teeth Django Django Django Mr Teeth I'm so teethy god damn it Someone brush this Motherfucker Did anyone else

Think of the mighty boosh As a guy If he were a guy Made of teeth It made me really think Mighty boosh It's very boosh Very boosh

God Shout out to the boosh I don't It's really hard to follow But we'll do a random one Jordan says, you, your partner,

and your dad are all going to be on the news and front page of the Echo. You must select one of the following that they're in the news for. This feels good because you've come in, you know,

in disguise. You know, you almost prepped for this one. So you, your partner, and your dad are all going to be on the front page of the Echo

in some scandal. You must select one of the following that they're in the news for. So you, your partner and your dad are all going to be on the front page of the Echo in some scandal. You must select one of the following that they're in the news for. One person so, the first one. You've got to pick one of these. Starting an anti-mask, anti-vax political party. Two, found to have over 20 illegitimate

children. Three, a biblical fuckload of porn washed up on the shores of an African nation. What, they're in it? All of which contain this person. Oh, okay. Well, I am,

I would want me missus to be the, the anti-mask thing. Yeah. Because I can just live with that. Yeah, Sam, don't wear your mask. I'm not really that arsed. Go for it.

And I don't want her to have 20 kids or to be in loads of porn. Yeah, so it's you, your partner, and your dad. You've got to select one for each. I don't want any kids. Quite happily, I have 20 brothers and sisters, and I'd be sad being in loads of porn. A biblical fuckload of porn

washed up on the shores of an African nation. I'm a porn star. My dad's a fucking super spreader but it's jizz and my missus doesn't like masks quite easy that one for me see

it's one of them you know what I was talking about before when you think oh this will be good and then Adam goes yeah dead easy I would rather be

I don't want my missus in loads of porn and I don't want us to have 20 illegitimate children I would rather be made of teeth thank you very much um i should have ended it carl you were absolutely spot on yeah you know when you called it as a

producer and you went should we just call it there you were fucking right and i should have listened to you one more yeah we'll do one more keep chasing it down uh brendan michaels says um i nearly named a comic then dan is uh dan is adam going to be the baby's godfather at the christening no should we do one more should we do one more would you rather why can't i be godfather still be can i be godmother 2021 you can be anything you want god person just god I'll just be god not how that works I mean in your head

you already are I would never presume why can't I be godfather I'd be boss godfather if you die I'll teach the kid how to play footy and everything

that's what the role of a godfather is isn't it yeah football coach to play footy who is going to be godfather oh the christening

that all the kids are definitely going to have yeah yeah there isn't going to be a christening for obvious reason because it's so

fucking horrible isn't it well let's let's get a priest to touch this child with water and then you're in the club even though you're

too young to decide if you want to be in the club, even though you're too young to decide if you want to be in the club. But you can say that about literally anything, like in that voice and it sounds horrible. Oh, would you like an ice cream? Freddie, that suits your look so much. Put your glasses and hat on. Do that again.

Glasses and hat on. Cool. If you did this, then there's a problem. Go on. You're in hat on. Cool. If you did this, then there's a problem. Go on. You're in the park. Okay. Oh, you're really good at cartwheels. Oh, my God.

Yeah, see. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Yeah. It looks horrible. Does it? Yeah. Say, get off me. Get off me.

Yeah. Oh. Get in the van. That sounds like you don't want me to get off you. Carl, you were still right. You were still right. Let's do one more. One more.

Linda says, just watched the film Palm Springs with Adam Sandberg on... Andy Sandberg. Andy Sandberg on Amazon Prime. Sort of Groundhog Day vibe, and it was quality. He gets stuck at a wedding over and over again. If you had to get looped on Amazon Prime, sort of Groundhog Day vibe, and it was quality. He gets stuck at a wedding over and over again.

If you had to get looped on a day, not at your house though, where and when would it be? So if you had to Groundhog Day. If you had to Groundhog Day. You were at home. I wasn't. Where were you? I was in the mags.

You'd wanted your entire life in the mags. I don't think I've ever been happier than the second half of that game yeah you'd be bored within about two weeks though wouldn't you you're just remembering

what was a good thing but after two weeks of you winning the Champions League you wouldn't give a fuck I'm not even sure you'd give a fuck the second or third time

you'd be like do you know do you remember that you've done this yeah Groundhog Day you remember everything so if you're in that if you do 365 days in the groundhog day you've lived a year with nothing around you changing yeah you wouldn't even watch the champions you wouldn't even watch because you know it's fucking ending you know what's going on i watch it all the time no you do you know it's fucking ending. You know what's going on. I watch it all the time.

Do you know what? With the Groundhog Day thing, the question itself is pointless because no matter where you are, you'll be pissed off within a week. Of course you will, yeah. I go to the happiest I've ever been because it's all going to be shit. There's no way it's going to be good,

so I might as well be as happy as possible for as long as possible. No, but you're not going to be happy because you know what happens i still watch that game and enjoy it now i love it how like if there is a fuck up in the space time continuum you will hate that game within two weeks within a month you'd be like it'd just be a pest but that month would be sound like anything else i'd be bored after like three days wouldn't i so at least i get that month i think you want to start somewhere that is an absolute blank canvas like i almost this is i saw this question i almost would like to start at home would be torture because laura be like right the baby needs changing and you'd be on the third day of that

in a row and you'd know that you're in a time-space continuum loop. So you'd just have to be like, and walk out the door. Like, you'd almost want to start in a hotel in London or something. At least that's a better starting point. No, I disagree. I think that if you're going to do it, you're going to want to be surrounded by your family and, like, loved ones and stuff like that. Because...

Or enemies and see if you can come closer together. But that would be awful because you'd spend that day together, but they wouldn't remember anything the next day. True, but no one's going to remember anything the next day. But you are. Yeah, totally. So you can engage with your family at any point. Totally.

So here's the thing is I would rather have pointless, meaningless conversations with my family than I would with random strange people. I'd go on a game show. I'd look sick because the first day oh that'd be good wouldn't it look boss for the rest of the year then that's a great go on the chase and just fucking smash it yeah but again once you've done it a few times you'd be like they'd be like this guy knows everything what's the alternative there's no holiday

if i'm on holiday for 11 days, I get bored. Yeah, that's true. 10 days already is like, I'm ready for home. Yeah. But if you're fucking stuck, but if you're fucking stuck, you might as well be like, ah, I'm stuck with pina coladas in a nice climate.

On a hotel, waking up in a hotel bed every day for eternity. Yeah. That's torture in itself. Every day you'd start off start off what if you woke up and your dad was like listen haven't you just described i need you to start as a stand-up comedian which i used to have before this episode came out oh jesus see we did one more and it worked i was quite happy to go further with that one and And now I'm like, no, now we're done. Now we're done.

Should we do one more? Yeah, I've got nothing on today. Fuck it. No, we're not doing one more. Right, lads. Thanks for watching. Appreciate you as ever. Sign up to patreon.com slash have a word pod.

We will be exclusively dropping Freddie Quinn's book under the Hoverword publisher. Well, not my book, but podcast. Yes. Yeah, we've not announced that stuff yet, but there's stuff coming. Freddie's starting a podcast. There's stuff coming.

And he's doing it in this building with us. We're going to hype it properly when it's all sorted. It's called Piggoted. You can actually go to piggoted.com now. Oh, can you? Pop your email address in, and the minute the podcast is live i'll send you the first few episodes you don't have to pay for it i'm not going to send

you fucking emails going one week to go five days none of that shit you just pigoted.com pop your email address in and when it's ready in a couple of weeks or whatever you'll get that nice little surprise into your email box you can inbox And then you can listen to it. And if you like it, you can subscribe. And if you don't, you haven't fucking lost anything. So, pigerton.com. I didn't know you were that organized on that. Freddie, that's really well done.

Thank you very much, mate. Cheers. Woo! Go ahead.